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Hey when you move out on your own the most important food tip I can give you is “maybe you don’t hate x maybe your guardians just cooked it wrong”
The number of foods I have learned I really like if they’re Fucking Seasoned
The number of foods I’ve introduced friends to that they warned me they’d always hated til I let them try a piece of mine
Also marinade things for 24 hours the second you have your own fridge it is a GAME CHANGER you thought you knew food but you have never met her
#food tips#food#usually pork#you can’t just fry pork plain#it’s fucking boring#no#even just the tiniest bloop of teriyaki#a teaspoon of lea and perrins#or my preferred bastard mix: honey garlic honey mustard teriyaki bbq lea and perrins#leave it in that bitch overnight#i did a 48 hour marinade once and OH MY FUCKING GID#i wish i had energy to do it every day
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Taking a break from amphibianaday soon and may or may not return
Day 1821 is coming up soon, marking half a decade of amphibians! After day 1821 I will be taking break to re-evaluate if I'm still drawing because I want to or because it's become a habit. Between fulltime work and hrt turning me into some kind of extrovert I have a lot less free time now. I guess I'm figuring out how I want to spend it?
I don't want to promise any kind of return but I also can't quite commit to deciding to stop for real yet. So. I'm waiting until day 1821 so I can end on a good milestone if I don't decide to keep drawing! :D
a bunch of personal soppy thoughts about it below if you're curious!
It's been part of my life for so long, it's hard to imagine not drawing every day now. But my life is in such a different place now than it was when I started, in so many different ways. When I started I was living with my parents, working a part time job I hated, hoping to study to become a game animator. I had only barely figured out my gender situation after years of questioning and denial. Since starting this blog I have:
come out as trans
got accepted at my dream school
changed my legal name
moved out
realized I didn't want to be an animator actaully
fell in love with rigging and programming
graduated and started working as a professional technical animator
started HRT
got top suregery
Kind of wild to think about how drawing amphibians has been with me quietly in the background through all this. I'm sort of moving away from bein An Artist™ (at least professionally), but drawing all these amphibians so far has been awesome and improved my art so much. I've made lots of art I'm really proud of!
Alos gotta take this time to say a Huge thank you to anyone who has ever said something nice in an ask, dm, reply, tag, etc. I read and treasure every kind message and it's always made my day to hear my art has brightened someone else's, or been an inspiration :)
See you in 2025!
#not art#maybe if i decide to total stop ill return just to do amphibiuary or something. make it a month long commitment instead of every day foreve#this one's been in the drafts a while... it's hard to imagine saying goodbye to the frogs...#but at the same time i dont have the time and energy i wish i had to spend on drawing and i will not force myself to minmax my commute time#id rather draw less than make myself hate it you know?#in the past i would get through an occasional busy period by lowering my standards but nowadays almost my entire life is a busy period#and im not so happy with the the ratio of 'art im really satisfied with' to 'art that's keeping me in the habit'
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Guys that go bump in the night
(minorly inspired by @karniss-bg3 's response to this ask)
#bg3#astarion#rhylolin/lobo (oc)#kar'niss#drider#baldurs gate 3#driftoodles#alternative titles thst were suggested have been: the monster mash; two charlatan party crashers and their plus one#a drider a lycanthrope and a vampire walk into a bar#etc etc etc i could keep going#i imagine this would be a post bg3 plot thing . dunno what trouble theyre getting into but#whatever theyre up to someones probably gonna have to bail them out. my moneys on gale#with how ive been sketching kar'niss ive been drawing him more emaciated during bg3 bc i noticed his abdomen wrinkles at the bottom which#is a trait of dehydration in arachnids. hes probs not eating very well in moonrise lmao. but i imagine lobo heres been taking p good care#of him. also i think karniss still isnt used to being complimented so every time anyone says he looks nice he throws a fit about it#arachnophobia#but yeah so i try to draw him with rounder n softer features if im drawing him doing smthn post bg3#anywayyys i have a big day tomorrow i wish i had more energy to put smthn neater out but. for now. woe drider#i actually planned on replying to the og ask with more refined doodles but i may do thst later shdkdnkd
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the other day i walked around the golden lake w my love and the sun was setting hot and orange and we watched a brown duck preening through the weeds, ducking her head under the dark water. the cool lake swallowed up my tired feet to the ankles and we counted the dog walkers with their curly panting doodles and their handsome german shepherds and their whip smart little terriers and we admired the careful construction of a sand castle whose moat held determinedly against the lapping of the waves. we could feel in our chests the persistent thunderous thumping of celebratory music at the finish line of the lakeside 5k, welcoming each gasping runner across its bounds. and i felt like crying. i felt like curling into myself and crying. we walked through the swamp of the bird sanctuary afterwards and listened to the woods sing and croak and groan and then we went and got ube and yuzu gelato and devoured it suntired and sweating on the couch in our living room. and i was so overcome w a deep and true unshakeable happiness and a sort of confused grief that i wanted to sob and sob and sob.
#i am so happy for the first time in my entire life#a consistent and true joyfulness#i am in love w my life#i want to stick around to see it#and i mean that w my entire being for the first time in my whole life#and to say that means confronting the first 24 years of my life where that wasn’t true#where i was miserable and heartbroken and unkind and dishonest and cruel#and i didn’t want to be alive#even when i was doing well i still didn’t want to be alive#for 24 years.#i had no fucking idea being alive could be so easy. i had no idea.#i want to hold myself and tell them i want to wrap myself up and say it will be BETTER#it will be so so far from perfect but it will be so so good you just have to hold on#i am so happy but i am mourning#i don’t know how to articulate it at all i just feel#happy but grieving#i LOVE this new city we live in i LOVE it here#i like my job enough to stand it for enough hours a week to get by#i have the time and the energy to throw myself into hobbies like knitting and cooking#i watch one or two good movies a week#i eat delicious food i’ve made and from restaurants we want to try#i’m IN LOVE. with my girlfriend in a way that’s so overwhelming and unlike anything i’ve ever felt that words don’t do it justice#i have friends who are gentle and patient with me when it’s hard for me to reach out#i am fighting agoraphobia tooth and fucking nail and i’m seeing the world and experiencing it#i laugh every day!!!! every single day!!!!#i have a goofy wonderful dog and an incredibly sweet cat#i talk to my baby brother all the time and he tells me he loves me and he’s graduating college soon and i’m so fucking proud#i wish i would’ve known how good it would all become#i wish i could’ve known#personal
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today i wish my government a very pleasant disappearance from the face of the earth
#not only today honestly#every day. but TODAY especially#and it's a friendly reminder to check on ur queer friends if they're in r*ssia#i don't even have any energy to write anything about it tbh i wish i had the energy to fight but i just wanna go extinct rn im sorry#i wish i was strong like others. i have a lot to lose now#and i know other people do too. i'm sorry that i'm so scared#i shouldn't be but unfortunately i am. more than ever#again. check on ur friends. it might save someone's life literally
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Happy Valentines Day!!!! Or just "Happy Heart Chocolates Day" as one of my pals likes to call it!
Definitely not gonna be able to draw anything for Valentines day. A shame. So much hit me all at once so I hadn't been in the state of mind to do it.
Oh well! Maybe I'll make something late for Valentines day. Oh or my birthday! I should focus on drawing something for my birthday-
#text post#just rambling#toast you dont need to post on every holiday#BUT I WANT TO ndjdkfkd aaa i wish I had infinate time and energy!!!!!#so much to do so little time#picking up Wally and Dandy and making them kiss in my mind since i didnt draw it in time#just imagine them in love#HAPPY VALENTINES DAY BTW YALL KISS KISS SLASH PLATONIC!!!!!!!
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Real question guys. Why do I wear this same hat every time I do a green look? I have so many hats that do not see enough daylight because I'm like this
#butterfly selfies#no but for realsies#sometimes i wish i had more energy to crawl out of bed every day and do my makeup and put together a fun outfit#i love this stuff i love putting together an outfit with fun accessories and fun makeup#i feel so happy and in myself#and i do not do it often enough
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musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"
#meatsuit renno#chronic blogging#ctxt#at first post-hysto pain was a deep burning ache#and eventually that lessened on my left side and settled in for the long haul on the right#after a couple weeks it had started to feel like a small carnivorous creature scrabbling and gnawing at the inside of my abdomen#nestled into the hollow of my pelvis and reaching up with its raking claws#about 6 months in and the creature still chewed occasionally but had shrunk to the size of a tennis ball under my right incision site#it clamped its jaws down and went to sleep and i perpetually felt like someone had pinched a fold of my insides with a large binder clip#this constant awful twisting tug every time i moved that kept me from straightening up or breathing fully#this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now#i carried on as best i could. fatigue and brainfog getting worse & worse as the pain wore on unrelentingly#about a year and a half into recovery it worsened again. searing lancing pain like i'd been impaled on a piece of white hot rebar#couldn't hardly move. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep#finally checked myself into urgent care & then the ER just to try to get someone anyone to take me seriously and help me#finally got a referral to a new surgeon who immediately pinned it as extreme neuropathy#started gabapentin end of december last year and the relief was immediately#i never thought i would welcome the gritted teeth vice grip of my little feral pain creature#but when i felt the molten spike slide out to be replaced once more by its worrying jaws#the intermittent spark and fizzle of that pinching squirming pain was a dramatic improvement#then i started PT in march and slowly so slowly the creature's hungry grip is loosening#it still clamps down occasionally. maybe once every week or two i'll have a day when i just accept#that there will be a horrible little creature chewing on my right side from the inside#but nowadays with the gabapentin doing as much as it can and an exercise routine i must stick to religiously to supplement PT#the pain is more of a little pearl of dark matter shifting around under my skin#it's incredibly dense. the heart of a black hole of disabling agony. all that white hot fury condensed into a slick heavy marble#as i recover some of my strength and energy i can feel my body coating it in nacreous layers to minimize its influence#my hysterectomy was 2 years and 4 days ago today and i feel like i can finally finally say i'm beginning to truly heal#i suspect i'll always carry this pearl in my side like shrapnel. product of damaged nerve tissue that went untreated for far too long#i wish my original surgeon had been more competent more attentive less lazy & indifferent to my pain. but i still don't have any regrets.
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Omg where are bunny , octopus and orange anon when we need them and their headcanons the most 🥹
I don't know but I miss them and love them 🥹🥹🥹🥹💓
#it's my fault really because I just haven't had the time or energy to answer many asks lately 😔#but I do miss talking with people about aki#I hope to talk more about aki when the movie finally comes....#I miss him.......#logging in every day with my feather duster just to reblog an old aki post and dust the cobwebs off my ask box#(I don't mean this in a bad way for any anons by the way.... I appreciate everyone and I wish I had more time to chat 🥺)#I need hibernation until chainsaw man movie#sometimes I dream about the movie and when I wake up I'm disappointed I still have to wait loooollll#ask mags
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I can't believe I forgot international friendship day wHAT... it's MY day I love my friends and I love them with my whole heart and soul what the heck I didn't do anything for it noooo :( just- THAT POST I MADE ON VALENTINES!!! THAT!!! THATS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!!!!
I love my friends so much I love YOU so much!! Thank you for being in my life and being my friend and loving me I hope you know I love YOU and i will NEVER stop loving you EVEN if we're apart OKAY!!??
I'm far too tired but this is already on the third paragraph so it's still pretty good and I still have more words to say so YES!! If you are my friend and you are reading this, know that I utterly adore you and EVERYTHING you do. Your art, your stories, your ideas, your creations, your music, your jokes, your friendships, your passions, your laughter, your happiness, I love love LOVE it and I will NEVER get tired of it!!! EVEN IF IT SEEMS LIKE I AM!!! I AM NOT!!! I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE YOU I'LL NEVER GET TIRED OF YOU AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! Sometimes I'm just tired, but never of you, okay??
And if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen, I will be here. And I'm sorry if sometimes I lose the words to say or the energy to talk, but know I love you so goddamn much, more than the sun shines, more than the solar systems in galaxies, more than every star in the WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE!!! Okay??? You are a WONDER for being here and I am so lucky to have you as a friend, no matter what you think, I am lucky to have you.
Okay, I'm going to bed, I love you! Remember that, okay?
#rennikorambles#kaibigan kong mahal#lovely rambling#i am sleepy and tieed but when it comes to friends?#it gave me a burst of energy realizing i had to make a post#because like i said!!! i am overflowing with love for my friends all the time always <3#i'd ping ppl but i cannot think rn and i dont wanna miss people so maybe i'll do it in the morning? or just revlog this and hope they see..#anyways!! i love you guys so so so SO much. you mean the world to me#even if we hadnt talked in a while. please know youre my friend and i love yiu and care about you and#i wish you the very best all the time#i hope that every star watches over you and gives you happiness!! as much happiness as there are stars in the sky!!!#ok ok im going ro bed goodnighttt#international friendship day
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I'm working on a project on my computer and vaping, this is the closest I've been to my normal pain level in days. I know it won't last, especially not when I'm trying to sleep later.
Trying to ignore the guilt of disappearing from work for three days, when the last time I did that it was my mental breakdown two years ago.
#it's not like then#not really#I mean it is and it isn't#my physical health was/is in a point of decline and the fear of pushing myself too hard became/is becoming too much#but I've grown so much in the last two years#I'm not gonna lie#sometimes I wish I had quit the work force back then#I obviously couldn't have predicted the sharp decline of my physical health over the course of this calendar year#but it happened#so the day to day question becomes now what?#now what do I do with myself/my life/my time/my energy/my independence/my god knows what else#nothing I am physically capable of doing is going to fulfill me and the things that fulfill me are now out of reach#so what fucking now?#I think this is it folks#I think it's time to start planning my exit strategy from the work force#and I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna do that when we literally just bought a condo#and I have therapy tomorrow too so I get to try and relay all this to my therapist in just half an hour lol#I don't regret dropping down to maintenance sessions#but sometimes you just need more time#tomorrow I'll get on the phone and be like ohmygodjoshitsbeensuchafuckingweek#ihadaflareupsobadicalledoutofatotaloffourdaysofworkandleftearlybythreehoursoneday#andnowimhavingcompletefearsaboutbeingsocompletelyincapacitatedthatillneverleavethehouseagain#and he'll be like well first of all BREATHE#second of all there's nothing indicating that this is unlike every other flare up that you've managed to fight through after a week plus#and then I'll be like butwhatifimstuckhomewithkaren24/7andshedrivesmebatshitwhenicantleaveonmyown?#and then he'll be like what did I just say about breathing?#but then he'll point out that the point of us moving is so we can get more space and be able to separate ourselves from her more#and then I'll cycle back to but she won't see reason and take the downstairs bedroom now instead of god knows how long down the line#trust me we do this every two weeks lol
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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Kinda wanna make one of those x character daily blogs for the werehog.....
#ramblings#i wish i had the time and energy to draw every day rn#i could do like. batches of doodles one day and just set up a queue#and take doodle requests too to keep ideas flowing#they'd be low effort doodles tho not anything fancy#just to have something to do in between bigger things maybe. when i have the time ig#idk we'll see
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Nope, I'm still crying
#i wish literally anybody from school remembered me#literally only 2 people i was friends with hace talked to me in the past four years#i had the realization tonight that i was never given the choice to nurture most of my friendships#everytime i tried outside of school hours including trying to join clubs my mom would make me leave halfway through then lecture me#that she didn't have time to drive to town and get me#but as soon as my brother wanted to join junior air force she suddenly had all the time and energy in the world to devote to that#so what I'm getting here is that my friendships and interests weren't important enough or worth her time#i wasn't interested in Junior air force 1 cause it wasn't offered to me and 2 I'm not a boit licker#no#i was interested in the video game and board game clubs cause my friends were in them and they WANTED me to join#but after not getting to stay for more than one full session after a month i left the board game club cause it wasn't fair to the others#and i only went to the video game clu once and i don't remember much of it cause i was too anxious that she was gonna flip on me#i kept waiting for her text but instead she showed up at the classroom and made me leave#so when the same teacher that ran the board game club asked if i wanted to join the chess club cause he knew i liked chess#i told him i couldn't cause i was too busy because i didn't want to deal with begging my mom to let me join#she would have said yes but would have continued not letting me stay and being super passive aggressive#I'm not even in the year book for the year my friends graduated#the one thing she did let me do was drama and i hated every second of it. it was genuinely a bad experience for me#yeah i had friends in drama but it's not the same as hanging with my nerdy guy friends playing a star wars ttrpg#the worst part is she gets so defensive when i bring it up and won't give me a reason outside of 'I guess I'm just the worst parent'#it's in those moments i really remember she's the youngest in her family#OH!! it gets worse! she told me when i was younger that she had to be an honorary cheer leader cause HER MOM absolutely refused to#let her join cheer and she's alsways been bitter about it but then she turns around and did basically the same thing to me ffs#at least she was allowed to hang out with people after-school i wasn't allowed to do that either#no. instead i spent the hours after shcool alone most days and my weekends home alone in my room. and she wonders why my social skills are#maybe if I'd been allowed to work on my relationships outside of a classroom i wouldn't have felt so abandoned when everyone i knew#graduated without me. maybe if i didn't have to start back at square one socially again and had people to text and hang with after class#i wouldn't have dropped out. and i think only atlas knows i dropped out. idk how to text these people without spunding like I'm looking for#sympathy when they ask what I'm up to. like yeah I'm stuck at home with an anxiety disorder and unemployed trying to get on disability#prisma vents
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