#i wish i could experience the beginning of episode 8 for the first time again

[eldaryasharbinger]

MCL New Gen Ep. 8 Review!

Wow (yes that's all I have to say in this section this time...)

As per usual, everything goes below the cut (I'm a little late again, so sorry, life's been busy with mental issues and work lol)

I'm just going to start right away with my thoughts

When I first started the episode, at first I thought that it wasn't THAT bad, the vibes felt like a group of friends just joking around, roasting each other etc, Roy didn't feel uncomfortable to me at the beginning, more like "haha yeah guys I get it, so funny"

With my own group of friends we have all kinds of inside jokes and we often make fun of each other for silly things

But soon after that, I started feeling EXTREMELY uncomfortable, because I'm sure that the event could've slide if the characyhas STOPPED there, instead, they all just kept on going and making really fucking weird jokes?? I'm not going to quote them, because I'd rather avoid remind others, but I'm referring specifically to one that Thomas made

Speaking of Thomas, he was the worst in this episode, making werid-ass "jokes", being the "mastermind" with all of it, treating it as a "special" and "exciting" undercover mission?? wtf is wrong with you?

Also, I get that he knows a lot, is a great hacker etc, but as someone that struggles with paranoia (I've gotten better with it compared to how I was just a few months ago) I don't like it, why is he literally spying on his co-workers? And most of all, revealing their secrets like that?

Considering that we had (VERY FEW) options to express our discontent/disagreement/uncomfortableness during the episode, the writers KNEW that what they were doing wasn't good, I swear it could've went in a different and more positive direction SO EASILY, but instead they decided to make everyone sound like a creep, and make Amanda look like a party pooper or something, just for being reasonable?

Also, honestly, if they're all such good friends then sure, as long as all of them are fine with it, they can joke about anything and it shouldn't be my business, but since they kept on going DURING WORK HOURS, It was horrible.

Well, of course... We start the episode with him being shirtless again, like others have pointed out, I wish we could've said "yes, it actually does make me uncomfortable that you're walking around the office half-naked" but noo all we could say is "I don't mind" or "I've gotten used to it" (which is true, but still that's not very professional?? I get having each our own chair, but at least the rest of us are dressed 😔)

this was one of the biggest "wtf" moment to me, like ??? are you SANE or NOT?? Bro just go back to work and let that be, why involve pretty much everyone in the office on this stupid thing? what plan??? I felt so sorry for Roy, because seriously what he does in his own privacy shouldn't be entertaining to us, we weren't supposed to know about it, but Thomas being annoying had to go and reveal everything, maybe ruining the fun for Roy too?? Like, literally zero respect for privacy

Again, if we had these lines of dialogue, the writers KNEW what they were doing. So disappointed.

Also everyone else being told this and then acting like it's not that big of a deal? I would like to see them in Roy's position. Maybe then they'd understand, since they all want to pretend that it's not that bad. Also Roy clearly asked them to stop and move on from it, but they didn't want to because it was sOoO funny :/

Like at this point I'd ALMOST hope that they all get exposed for something like Thomas exposed Roy, so that they get a taste of their own medicine, but since this isn't real life it'll most likely never happen :/

errr,, sure,,, right after they tried to get us to join them and insisting that it's going to be a fun experience, wtf?

They won't FORCE you but they'll "peer pressure" you in a way :/

Okay well this did make me laugh a little, probably the only funny thing all of them said during the ep, the rest was just icky, to say the least

They said they didn't make him neurodivergent but come on now????? Is this a coincidence after another?

Also Candy going "When will i ever get the chance?" to swim naked, you literally have a pool at home girl, what are you even talking about 😭🙏🏻

Last thing I'll add before moving on to Jason's part of the episode (I have some more to say about the situation of the episode at the end) is Brune going "what is wrong with you??" After Roy splashed us with the water gun

GIRL??? BFFR???!!! THAT'S INSANE TO YOU???? WHAT ABOUT YOUR LACK OF RESPECT FOR PRIVACY WHAT THE HELL!!!! Sorry for swearing so much this time but can you blame me?? what other kind of reaction can one have 😭😭⁉️

About Jason

Sooo this was at the beginning of the episode! I'm loving every moment and every bit of the story with Jason, I really really really hope we'll end up with a more soft storyline with him, I've already said it before but I really don't want his story to turn into something extremely sexual, where that's all there is to the relationship

I'll genuinely quit his route if that happens, because as an asexual I just can't bring myself to enjoy that kind of content (if it's about other characters then I don't mind, but since our Candy is supposed to be "us" I'd still feel uncomfortable :( I've also given Petronilla so many of my own traits that it would be kind of difficult for me to differentiate completely)

Of course, so far, it seems that he's more gentle than he appears to be, so hopefully they'll keep it that way :(

I don't mind a little spice here and there, it's fun, but as a hopeless romantic I hope it'll be a sweet story in the end,, I don't think I'll say this enough haha,,

Two things, did his tattoo leak before or you're all really good at guessing?? And now I have to go back and update my other drawings... Yeah I won't do that but i'll try to keep it in mind (I still forget 'Nilla's freckles sometimes so not sure if I'll be able lol)

"Two things" I don't remember what the second one was or if I've already wrote it, I wrote that bit when I was laying down the draft for thw review so I forgot 😭🙏🏻

NOOOO I REALLY THOUGH THIS WAS REAL!!! I'm glad it wasn't because it would've been TOO SOON, but omg I was saying "What the fuck" repeatedly 😭🙏🏻 The scene was everything, but now it got me wondering which parts of it were real, and which were in our imagination? Like, when does the real part end and rhw fantasizing start?? Because I'd like if the only thing she imagined was the kiss, since everything esle was way too cute 😭😭

I haven't edited any of the recent Illustrations but I really want to do this one!! The only thing is that Petronilla should be on a stool or something because my girl is NOT that tall lmao

He looks so good too I'm so glad 😭🙏🏻 I'm always afraid after what they did to Leiftan's illustration in ANE 🥲 Like, so few of them are good, most look fcking weird to me 😭🙏🏻

The only thing I wish they made better was the different hair colors on our candy, sometimes they look so weird and out of place with the lighting :/

They should adjust the curves and all that, if you know what I mean, because the details get lost in the transition from one color to another

-------------------------------

Now that I feel like I've said pretty much all that came to mind, I want to finish by saying how everything that went bad in this episode could've been avoided by having the "same" ending (us at the pool/spa/whatever with our LI's)

If they really wanted to, they could've kept the first part of the episode (Thomas exposing Roy's secret that he swims naked)

BEFORE you get the wrong idea, I'd make that stop right after a little bit of friendly teasing (very little) and then I'd simply make the other characters interested in the idea of swimming naked or something, like they wanted to try it out

For Devon, idk how things are at that point if you're on his route, but since he's good friends with Roy, he could've asked him to let him try it, and maybe he'd invite candy too, not sure if that'd make sense

For Thomas, since from my understanding they end up on the beach, it could've went a similar way where him and candy want to try it out but maybe they didn't think to ask Roy to go to the pool, so instead they decided to go to the only other place that came to mind?

I'm not sure how Amanda's route goes, but I think it would still be the same thing since she wasn't interested in the pool anyway, and between girls I guess being naked before each other is different/more normal? (correct me if I'm wrong, I might've been born as one but since I'm trans I've always struggled with this kind of thing, always felt uncomfortable in swimsuits etc so I had a different kind of experience 💔)

While for Roy and Jason's route, they could've started the same, actually Jason's part could've stayed the same, idk how Roy's goes but since he's the one with the pool keys it just makes sense? (Sorry if I'M not making sense or if I'm writing these in a confusing way, I'm trying to be brief but I don't know if what I'm saying is something already in the episodes or not, I play on Jason's route after all 🥲)

So basically, centering the episode instead of spying on our coworker, into making us curious about the experience and try it for ourselves

Oh well, could've been should've been it's all done now and we know we won't get a change, let's all pretend nothing happened and hope that if something similar was programmed for upcoming episodes, that they'd change it (even a little) based on the current feedback 🙏🏻

Let me know if you have different opinions because I'm interested! (as long as it's not the same thing everyone's been saying...)

(I am not proofreading all that, so I'm sorry for any mistakes I made!!)

Thank you for your patience and for reading all this!

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

Currently Watching - May

aka The Masterlist

Because I love a good little list - in alphabetical order! 😊

Regularly updated during the month, latest update 31.05.2024

A little link to my favorite bl-tropes-collection 💙

I am happy about gif-requests 🌼

Here you can find all of my gifs.

At the end you can have a look at what we can expect in April with a MDL link and a link for a trailer (if avaible).

This is guaranteed to contain spoilers!

1. 25 Ju, Akasaka de 🇯🇵 (7/10)

I really enjoyed this episode. It didn't feel like a filler. I loved to see some of Hayama's thoughts and emotions. He liked Shirasaki since forever and I really hope they can find their way back together. The pain is so bittersweet. They like each other, but because of walls and misunderstandings they can't live their feelings. Really good episode this week!

2. Cityboy_Log 🇰🇷 (16/?)

I am so confused right now. Sometimes these time jumps are confusing. But okay. Those two made up. And only Jihan apologised? I hate jealousy, extreme jealousy, but I think he didn't need to apologise... I think Jaejun should apologise too, at least for his flirty behavior and this fucking kiss. I still need time to love this again and I hope this story is not going to be more fucked up with cheating and stuff...

3. My Stand-In 🇹🇭 (6/12)

The only thing I can say about the last episode is: I am obsessed with this kiss... There is nothing more in my head. Brain empty. This series is becoming more and more interesting. I am emotional invested now!

4. Only Boo 🇹🇭 (8/12)

I love these two. They are adorable and a blessing on my sundays! We got our first kiss this week and it was a first kiss. It was a little bit awkward and hesitant and cautious and it fit their character really good. I love their energy and the fact that they love each other like they are. It is such a healthy relationship.

5. Wandee Goodday 🇹🇭 (4/12)

From One-nicht-stand to friends with benefits to fake boyfriends... And Kao is right, they have crossed the line with only being fake boyfriends a while ago. Jealousy is beginning to blossom. The wish to kiss each other is groing stronger day to day and I love it here! And is it not normal that you need time to come clean with your own feelings and getting over a year long crush? I totally understand both of them for not letting go of their crushes of years that easy.

6. Word of Honor 🇨🇳 (20/36)

Those two flirt a lot and are a married couple. Everyone knows that. And I love and enjoy that! Overall this is such a fun watch and the different sects and intrigues are sometimes a little bit confusing, but interesting. I love this world of martial arts and I love how protective Wen Kexing is over Zhou Zishu.

Finished in May

Series

Unknown 🇹🇼

The story about found family, childhood trauma and struggling topped with a lovestory between "brothers". They aren't brothers by blood so I really didn't care and just enjoyed this forbidden and hurtful lovestory to the fullest. This was exactly what I hoped for! The longing, tension and hurting is so good! The love between them is real and strong, but Qian is afraid and can't just let his heart decide over the head, yet. He loves Yuan, but is afraid what that means for them and especially for Yuan's future. I love this series so much! I didn't expect too much when I started it and got hooked really fast and in the end my entire week pointed to the saturdays and te new episode and the interaction here with the fandom. The last two epsiodes lost a little bit track and were to cramped with things that didn't need to be there, but I still loved this whole experience! So fucking beautiful! One of my all time favorites. A clear and big 10 out of 10!

Love Is Like A Cat 🇰🇷

The last two epsiodes were so bad I didn't want to gif any scene for this post... I cringed through this whole series... well at least through those parts I didn't skip. I mean, I could not even watch the kiss-scene, because all I could see were the few beard stubbles around Mew's mouth like he didn't get all of them while shaving. And they were so visible against the lightning. And all of their relationship felt so rushed and don't get me started with the thai/korean translator thingy. The concept of this was interesting, but bad executed. It really hurt my feelings to rate a korean bl this low, but everything, the plot, the acting, the dialogue, the script... everything was bad. When I close one eye really tight and think about this cutie Dae Byeol I can give it a 3 out of 10, but really not more.

You Are Mine Special 🇹🇼

This was not on my list this month, but here we are. And what can I say? They kissed a lot! So many kisses! If someone likes kiss, here ya go! It was sweet and a good ending to their story, but a little bit to sugary for me. But that is a personal preference. Those two get engaged and Shun Yu's mother approves of their relationship. It was kinda sweet seeing our CEO as "just" the boyfriend. I guess it is what you wish for as a special episode. I am not mad about it. I give it a solid 7 out of 10.

Blue Boys 🇰🇷

What was this ending? I am speechless and so damn angry! They overcame every misscommunication trope and ended like this? The bad-bitch-wanna-be-girlfriend? The If-I-can't-have-him-no-one-can-bitch? Really? It was a solid web series with great acting and incredible chemistry and they ended up breaking up, because a jealous bitch would destroy Jaemin's life if he continued dating Namyi? And Namyi is now thinking it is his own fault, because his family is rich and because he fell in love? I don't like it here. That ending was stupid. Sorry. Overall a 7 out of 10.

Memory in the letter 🇹🇭

I enjoyed this cute series so much, until the final episode... What was that? It was sweet and kinda wholesome, a little bit tacky, but that was alright and I really liked how they fell in love over the mirror. But that ending? The dad's best friend is now your boyfriend? And he looks so fucking different! Like a total different person. I know, love should be blindm but lets me real, if that was me, I would be: Stop. Who the fuck are you? Why is a 40 year old man hitting on me 20 year old? This felt so bad... I have no problem with the whole time travel, but 20 years is too much! And he is his father's best friend. He delivered his future boyfriend. That felt so wrong! I was a fan until ep 5 and with 6 everything went down... I still give it a 7 out of 10.

Boys Be Brave! 🇰🇷

Okay, it ended.... like that... where is the special epsiode? I want to know how the last date goes between Balgeum and Inho. I am happy for our main couple and they are cute as fuck, but what is with our unlucky side couple? Balgeum wants to become a better person for Inho and that is quite cute, unnecessary, but still kind of understandable. He needs to feel like he can offer Inho something more, while Inho is happy what he already has to offer. But with social backgrounds, I kind of understand him. But where is this special epsiode or spin-off?! I need it! Now! But I am really happy with the ending for our main couple. They are adorable! But the time skips with the hair-extansions confused me a little bit. But for me a strong 8 out of 10.

Kare no Iru Seikatsu 🇯🇵

They got their happy ending and I am happy with that. We got an I love you and some cozy snuggle time. What more do I need? Nothing... A coffee perhaps, but that's okay. I like this series. It was a cute watch with some heartache, but overall it was sweet and cute and positive. And I love Haruna for telling Natsukawa that wanting the best and happiest life for someone you love and at the same time refusing to give that person the thing that would make them the happiest is stupid. They are happy, I am happy. A happy 8 out of 10 for me.

Short Film

Movie

Dropped in May

Looking forward to in May

Upside Down aka Inverse Identity 🇨🇳 - Trailer (May 3rd)

Wandee Goodday 🇹🇭 - Trailer (May 4th)

My Marvellous Dream Is You 🇹🇭 - Trailer (May 8th)

Blossom Campus - Trailer 🇰🇷 (May 16th)

OMG! Vampire 🇹🇭 - Trailer (May 19th)

No international release dates:

A Balloon's Landing 🇹🇼 - Trailer (Coming to cinemas on May 10th)

The Time Of Fever 🇰🇷 - Trailer (Coming to cinemas on May 15th)

Manji Reverse 🇯🇵 (Coming to cinemas on May 24th)

The Time Of Huannan 🇹🇼 - Trailer (Coming to cinemas on May 31st)

[amtrak12]

Lucifer Rewatch Liveblog: Ep 1.01

Oh god the NERVES I have over doing this. It’s so stupid. Anyway before hitting play, let’s give a little backstory about how I stumbled ass-backwards into watching Lucifer.

It was September 2021 and the sixth and final season was about to drop on Netflix. Both my spouse and my mother were rewatching the series in preparation of this and both had reached S3 when we were visiting my parents for my mom’s birthday. So Lucifer became the de facto show playing in the background of the visit. All I knew about the show going in was a) it was about the Devil, b) he ran a nightclub in LA, and c) it had at one point been canceled by a traditional network and then ‘saved’ by Netflix. Oh and d) I had absolutely no interest in ever watching it.

But circumstances change don’t they? Because between the time that I first heard about Lucifer and the time when it was playing in front of my face while I visited with my family, the following events happened:

the COVID-19 pandemic swept through the world

Anxiety and depression set in making new shows feel like too much work to watch

both my spouse and I rewatched old favorites instead

I got a shih tzu puppy which confined me to the living room for months until she was fully potty trained.

Now, for my spouse, these go to TV rewatches included The Originals and Frasier. And friends, I got hooked on both. Two shows I never had any interest in watching. Two shows my spouse played in the living room so we could still be in the same room while I raised a puppy. TWO SHOWS I GOT FUCKING HOOKED ON AND HAD TO WATCH ALL THE WAY THROUGH TO THE END.

So of course the same thing happened when they played Lucifer right in front of my face. And like The Originals and Frasier, I merely picked up where my spouse was in the rewatch and refused to go backwards. ‘You should really watch it from the beginning--’ NOPE! We’re starting here. Just fill me in on backstory when it’s relevant.

Which is how my first experience with Lucifer was scattered S3 episodes and then S4-6 straight through. I loved it! It was fab! But it was months before I got the itch to go back and watch S1-2 and when I did oh boy.... OH BOY.

Well, I’ll share those thoughts live. :P

*hits play on the pilot*

OMG this little text intro they do during S1 is so trying to be edgy but is instead just cheesy.

I hate this opening scene. I mean I understand it. It does it’s job. Lucifer hates rules but enjoys punishing people! He can pull out people’s desires! Cops aren’t here to protect anyone! Just take money from the rich and terrorize the rest! Oh wait they probably didn’t mean that last one.

Weird move then to open with a dirty cop in a cop propaganda show

I am too asexual for this show in general but I’m especially too asexual for S1

I do love how Amenadiel is nearly always introduced in S1 with time slowing down. It’s a fucking awesome power! Shame he stopped using it.

Though I cannot take early Amenadiel seriously because he is so I’m Super Serious and I have seen S4-6 okay? This version of Amenadiel is a total hilarious lie.

I do love Delilah. Also I lose my mind every time that like 8 minutes into the pilot, they foreshadow the show’s end game of Lucifer helping the souls trapped in Hell to confront their guilt when he calls in his favor with Delilah to tell her to get her life together. It means nothing with the pilot alone, but when boosted by the next six seasons, it becomes a nugget of gold.

And RIP Delilah :( You should absolutely not think about how the poor thing was definitely stuck in Hell until Lucifer had his series finale revelation. :( Definitely don’t think about that.

Cool trick to pull back a very recently deceased soul to talk to it. I understand why that never really happened again (because he wasn’t usually there when future murder victims died) but since I’m a sucker for all kinds of ghost/afterlife stories, I kind of wish it had been utilized again.

~Ooo~ narrative mystery. What’s Palmetto Street????? What’s the deal with these two cops????? I wouldn’t actually care if this was my first experience with the show. Oops.

Now, they did not show that Lucifer’s supernatural charisma draws everyone to him before introducing Chloe but that’s okay. It’s the pilot. In general, they’re doing well with the plot and characters.

And by well, I mean I only like S1 because it’s hysterical after knowing where they all end up. Don’t get me wrong! I completely agree that this is the cast’s starting places. But who they all are before meeting each other and growing together is repulsive to me so in that sense S1 is terrible.

Ooph the anti-black racism in this scene with 2 Vile. I mean it goes hand in hand with cop propaganda but WOW. The rap bashing and pretending that liking blues music means you’re not racist. Wow.

I do love Chloe’s backstory of being an actress who had a nude scene in a movie because that’s the kind of thing that is so far outside my lived experience that I never would’ve thought of that for a character in a million years. But it works absurdly well in the context of this show. So kudos to the writers there.

Okay now we’re starting with the real Lucifer and Chloe banter that we know and love. I had nothing to say during their intro scene because I kept seeing all the fanvids who splice it with the series finale callback to it but here’s the actual good stuff.

“I just threatened his life. He would’ve said, trust me.” *long blink of disbelief* “You did what?” -- Oh Chloe you have no idea what a headache the next six years are going to be for you. (And also the rest of your life because I met Rory, okay. That girl is not going to be easy to raise. Trixie is your easy child.)

“Yeah, isn’t that illegal?” -- “Uh, little bit, yeah.” Finally! Chloe has an excuse to arrest Lucifer for being an ass!

Which lasts all of 0.2 seconds because Lucifer can get out of handcuffs. Which Chloe for some reason was not expecting.

Like I know through internet osmosis that sex handcuffs and police handcuffs are two different things, but c’mon Chloe. Does this not strike you as the kind of guy who would experiment with police handcuffs too? Even not believing that he’s the Devil, I feel like you should’ve seen that one coming.

Ah here we go! The mojo demonstration again... that utterly falls flat because Chloe is a gift from God.

(Oops! Spoilers! :P)

Heh heh heh. That may be the first time Lucifer forgets Chloe is a trained actress and falls for her playing him, but it won’t be the last! lol

TRIXIE! TRIXIE! TRIXIE! TRIXIE!

Lucifer calling picking up her daughter an ‘errand’ is like the 4th time Chloe pictured herself shooting him.

LOOK AT HER TWO FRONT TEETH MISSING!!! *sobs* SHE’S SO ADORABLE!

Why is this fifth grader bullying a first grader? I just feel like fifth graders have better things to do like pick on each other in preparation for the ruthless ‘every child for themselves’ warzone that is sixth grade.

Poor Trixie sticking her fingers in her ears while her parents fight :(

Dan really does earn his douche title in S1. RIP Dan.

The cynical part of me that’s bought into purity culture is dismissing Lucifer defending Chloe as dumb hetero ‘This is the couple you’re supposed to ship!’ nonsense, but the rest of me that’s remembering it’s okay to like boy-led shows and junk food can actually analyze it and see that this is just him keying into behavior that isn’t justified and therefore should be punished. It’s not special to Chloe just yet. He does already like her. He is already intrigued by her, and he’s even already slightly charmed by her daughter. But he genuinely cared about Delilah too and wanted to see her turn her life around. The whole pilot is driven by him wanting to punish those that took that opportunity away from her, and I really like that. Again, it’s set up for the S6 end game of saving the souls in Hell.

“Isn’t he funny, Daddy?” followed swiftly by asking Chloe “What’s a hooker?” is some dichotomy. LOL

Oh, Chloe. Just wait until Trixie befriends Maze. ;)

(Just wait until Dan meets Maze ROTFL Okay I will definitely have to keep liveblogging so I can rewatch that ep. OMG it’s hysterical.)

“Daddy will tell you. :)” Oh this separation is not going well. I mean that’s been pretty obvious from every scene that Chloe and Dan have shared so far, but that line really cements that. lol

Chloe and Dan both being different shades of shocked that Trixie likes Lucifer is fab. Chloe is just ‘huh’ about it and Dan is like ‘I want to kill this guy so bad’ x2.

OH I LOVE THIS EXCHANGE OUTSIDE OF LINDA’S OFFICE!

“Planned... sort of.” -- Dude you can’t say that kind of shit to me. I wouldn’t ordinarily care, but this show is already bonkers so now I want the gossip. The full story. What do you mean by ‘sort of’ in this sentence? I *will* pry.

“Did my father send you?” -- !!!!!! NOPE! DEFINITELY DIDN’T! DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! CHLOE IS DEFINITELY NOT A GIFT FROM GOD!

(Did the writers know already? I mean, presumably they did if they’re dropping giant anvils like that. But writers also sometimes write characteristics like ‘is immune to Lucifer’s desire power’ without having the explanation ready to go in the pilot because it gives them freedom to flesh things out later. But this really feels like they had that explanation formed from the beginning.)

LINDA! LINDA! LINDA! LINDA!

I’m excited for her. I am not excited for this scene. This scene where Linda nearly jumps Lucifer is where I would’ve walked out on the pilot episode. If you had even convinced me to sit through more than that intro scene, that is. This pilot and I are very different people who live very different lives :S

However, it is hilarious in retrospect. Utterly ridiculous LOL

“Oh no he’s horrible! So square jawed, so handsome, so vanilla” -- THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME SUFFER THROUGH CHLOE AND CAIN IN S3! YOU COULD’VE STOPPED IT, LUCIFER! YOU COULD’VE SAVED US ALLLLLL THAT PAIN!

I mean it wouldn’t have made the Devil revelation any less shocking to Chloe and so S4 would mostly be unchanged BUT STILL! MY EYEBALLS! PLEASE THINK OF MY EYEBALLS!!!

Lucifer really doesn’t understand how a movie set works, does he? Just walks right into the middle of a massive and expensive practical stunt and then gets confused why the lead actor isn’t doing the stunt.

“You know you’re gonna have to get much better at lying if you’re going to be President?” -- “I know, right?”

“Why else do you think I’ve been sleeping with Bobby?” -- This marital fight is hilarious, I’m not gonna lie. They do not have a healthy relationship!

“Despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can’t deny that there’s a connection between us.” -- Because she can see that spark of genuineness in you which doesn’t make sense with your everything else, and she’s trying to figure out why that contrast isn’t as conflicting as it should be. You’re both puzzles the other is trying to figure out.

(You two are also a walking, talking soulmate AU which is a quickfire way to make me feral -- but that’s a conversation for a different season.)

It’s always about the money. :/

“I told you, it’s fine. I’m immortal.” -- But that poor band member isn’t, Lucifer! Dumbass.

PFFFTTTT! A fan vid cut Delilah being shot side by side with Chloe being shot here in the pilot and I LOST MY MIND ABOUT IT! I never realized that was a full proper parallel with the falling back onto shattered glass and everything until I saw that fanvid. So good!

This show LOVES using parallels and by god they do it well.

(Except S3. That’s still a hot mess, but I think they were trying for a foil there and not a parallel. Keyword is *trying*.)

TRIXIE! And then Lucifer drops her right on top of Chloe’s wounded side. Good move, Lucifer. A+ lol

“Look forward to seeing you soon, Chloe.” -- “I don’t.” Adorable.

“Glad you’re not dead.” -- my GOD when people splice that with Chloe’s S5 death in fanvids, it makes me tear out my hair. I love it!

And once again, I cannot take Amenadiel or this ‘tense brotherly stand off’ seriously. They’re just babies squabbling in comparison to where they end up. It’s nothing but comedy to me.

Bad news, Maze. Humanity is about to rub off on you too. *Jean-Ralphio voice* You’re gonna get a SO-OUL! :D

And we close with Lucifer going back to hold up his end of the deal with Linda and strike a new one with her: sex for therapy. Which thankfully, she switches to ‘money for therapy’ like a normal person at some point in S1. I mean, sex for therapy -- that’s the kind of thing that can get your license revoked. *glances at S2*

In conclusion, this was fun! I think the act of liveblogging helped my enjoyment of the show. It certainly got me to watch a full episode again. I did keep pausing to write things down which interrupted the flow. Fine for my third viewing of the pilot, but that’s going to bug me for later episodes. I’ll have to either be less wordy or take the bare minimum notes of what I want to say and then go back after the episode and flesh everything out.

[pacificpvnch]

hes so cool (he would kill me)

[simlit]

Chapter 3 // The Wind and Tide // Episode 8

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ERSA: Hey.

VEN: Hey, yourself.

ERSA: You’ve been up here a while, wanna take a break?

VEN: laughing If you wanted to steer, you could have just said so.

ERSA: I couldn’t part an old man and his first love.

VEN: Well, then I could say the same. You could sail straight before you could speak full sentences. And when you did talk, it was only to tell me everything I was doing wrong.

ERSA: Come on, you’re exaggerating.

VEN: Only a little.

ERSA: You could let her come off a bit, bring her to the wind.

VEN: See what I mean?

ERSA: I know Kato’s a bit heavy-handed, but we are on a tight schedule.

VEN: That’s fair. Though, can’t say I’m keen on it. I wish we could take more time. After all, it’s been years since we’ve been together like this.

ERSA: Does it worry you very much? Seeing London again?

VEN: Worry… No. Those old grudges are in the past. There’s nothing there that could hurt me, now. It’s just… It will always be difficult, I think, to face the truth. When you spend so long running away from a thing, it grows a great deal of power over you. I’ve many monsters in my life, but none so off-putting as that country. It’s easy enough just to ignore, but meeting it head on…

ERSA: Maybe I don’t understand, because I’ve never had to separate myself from something so thoroughly. But you know, you’re not really that person anymore. So what if you were born there? It isn’t your home. It never was.

VEN: You’re right about that.

ERSA: Is there nothing about it that you like? Something you remember fondly?

VEN: I can’t say there was anything I liked much about London. A great, ghastly grey thing filled with dour, unhappy people. But then, my experiences were very limited. Suppose that’s where so much of my disdain was born.

VEN: However, there were times when… There was a house in the country. A place where sometimes I would go for the summer. In most ways, I was still trapped, but I did greatly enjoy the air there. The quiet. When I was young, I imagined myself running away and living my life in such a place. But only because I had not the ambition to run farther.

ERSA: I guess you just weren’t suited for it.

VEN: No. I wonder then, for where I’m suited?

ERSA: Well, nowhere.

VEN: Nowhere, hm?

ERSA: That I can understand. After all, I got it from you; A need to be like the wind, not belonging to one place, and always moving. Happiest when I don’t have to explain where I’m going. I just… am.

VEN: It’s not a bad life, that.

ERSA: No, it isn’t.

[beyondd-dazedd]

here’s an analysis of the angst between redlynn and rini and the main portwell scene in episode 8 because i have so many thoughts so grab a drink and relax because this is going to be a long one:

both larry and julia’s acting in the scene in ash’s room was incredible. you know exactly how both characters are feeling because it’s so perfectly written on their faces. but larry really goes above and beyond with the way he’s portraying his emotions in the little things like his eyes tracking and the choppy turning and the flickering eye contact. its incredible. seriously.

DOMESTIC EJ AND GINA!! i loved this scene it was so sincere and heartfelt. i wish EJ wasnt so down on himself. yes he’s made some mistakes. a lot. but he’s a teenage boy and he’s come SO far. and matt portrays that so so so well in his acting. that sense of self consciousness under the bravado that EJ puts on. DONT GET ME STARTED ON SOFIA. her acting is BEYOND INCREDIBLE. she has a way of delivering her lines so genuinely and like she has experienced every single thing that her character has. it never feels like she’s acting. seeing these two characters who are so unsure of themselves but put up this mask and then finally get the chance to break down those walls a bit with each other and finding comfort is so beautiful and makes this scene that much more impressive. i don’t feel like im watching a TV show when i watch this scene. i feel like im watching two teenagers try to break down their walls and be vulnerable with each other because they understand each other in a lot of ways. Matt’s line delivery of “that’s what you think of me?” was so soft and so different from the way EJ normally talks that it really hits. this is a boy who has no idea who he is other than his mistakes and the expectations from other people so hearing gina say that to him is such a vulnerable moment for him and Matt killed it. also sofia’s line delivery after that where she back tracks when she says “you’d see what I... the rest of us see” is so genuine to gina’s character. gina hasn’t put down her walls quite yet but she’s trying to. her whole life she’s used to steeling herself and not getting too attached. and here she is allowing herself this moment of vulnerability with this boy who GETS her even if she corrected herself that moment is still there. and then her trying to deflect when EJ tries to compliment her is her realizing she let herself be vulnerable and tries to not let EJ break down those walls any more than he already has. but he does because she needs to hear these things as much as he does. their soft looks at the end of that scene is just so genuine and heart warming. they get each other and they support each other in ways a lot of the other characters can’t. sofia and matt’s acting compliment each other so well and you can really see that in this scene. this is such a moment of genuine vulnerability between these characters and both of them portray it so well to these characters personalities.

now that i’ve analyzed the shit out of that scene let’s move on to the rini scene. because good god. there’s a lot. i like at the beginning of this scene there’s a lot of reminiscing which obviously sets us up for the whole issue with their relationship at this point. they’re both stuck trying to hold onto something that’s in the past whether that’s their relationship as a whole, who they were or who they’re trying to be for one another. the career day metaphor do be a metaphor for nini’s progress as a person and their relationship. like nini said it’s always been nini and ricky and there hasn’t been much diverging from that their whole lives. the acting in this scene is perfect. josh’s resigned and almost stoned reaction is perfect for where ricky is right now. i think ricky knew this was coming but he’s obviously still hurt and is trying to stay strong for nini because it’s obvious this is devastating her. he does a good job capturing that with his line delivery and how it’s almost robotic like he’s steeling himself for the inevitable. olivia’s acting is so heartbreaking. her facial acting from when she says “ricky that’s not ok” to when the camera is back on her after ricky’s lines is devastating. like it took her time to process this new information. her delivery of “i don’t like running away” is so hard to watch because yes she’s upset but she knows exactly where this conversation is going and you can see that. you can also see the ramp up to her trying to break up with ricky. also josh’s like thick swallow he does while he’s trying to hold back tears?? sir?? ouch. also them both saying i don’t want to hold you back and nini saying can i just hold you now? BIG OUCH. and ricky trying desperately to comfort her. it’s always been nini and ricky and then they broke up the first time. it wasn’t mutual and ricky assumed it was a pause and not a break up so there wasn’t the magnitude of the loss on both sides. but now they’re at a place where they are both agreeing to let each other go and they’re having to make a mature decision to let the other grow before they can be nini and ricky again is so sad. they’re saying goodbye to a decade of who they were together. ricky taking off the necklace and nini crying harder is so DEVASTATING. also the “goodbye nini” is so significant. he’s letting her go to be the best version of herself because her identity is so wrapped up in who she is with ricky. he’s literally saying goodbye to nini so she can be nina (metaphorically and a bit literally) and just watching nini cry harder is big ouch. i won’t say too much about how this scene might be related to josh and olivia as people because it’s none of my business but i will say that this scene was acted so well by both of them and you can tell that it comes from their own personal experiences which makes this so much harder to watch. i could spend 100k words just analyzing the emotions and the different subtle acting choices that are in this that really makes this scene incredible but i’m not tryna make a novel here. additionally this really adds to my theory about ricky being the metaphorical beast. this is kind of at a turning point in BATB where the beast lets been go to save her father but in this case nini is trying to save herself and become a better version of nini. this is also the point in the movie when you can REALLY see belle’s love for beast so i’m interested in seeing what they decide to do next with rini.

howie’s singing?? PERFECT. he really had a glee moment but i will allow it because it’s just so damn good. EJ cover gina up so she can sleep more comfortably is so sweet and also shows how their relationship is progressing. they’re helping each other in little ways but sometimes those are the most important. red and ash starting to be on the same page?? amazing. a main part of relationships is trying to understand one another and learn what is important to each other. and i think ash getting the shirt is a good representation of her starting to understand red. good for EJ for telling his dad that he isn’t going to duke. GOOD FOR HIM. red and ricky’s hug BROKE ME. ricky isn’t outright sobbing when he walks into the room and he’s not saying anything but red knows. he knows just from ricky’s body language that he’s distraught (friendship goals). red’s hold on ricky is so tight and strong which is literally everything ricky needs right now. also the reoccurring theme of ricky hugging a pillow while he’s upset is something so special to me. red’s little pat on ricky’s leg says a lot about their friendship. no words have to be spoken for them to be there for each other and comfort each other. nini reminiscing and then looking at her insta? nini 2.0 anyone?? or should i say nina?

[i-love-hobbies]

The biggest criticism Lilith's redemption arc gets and Eda's biggest strength

(ft. me getting completely side tracked and wanting a Hooty redemption arc)

Ok, so firstly I wanna talk about real life and then say how it was done in the owl house.

I hate the words "Everyone should get what they deserve." Cause firstly this never happens, secondly, the words are very vague and it opens a window of miscommunication and thirdly, cause in Lilith's case they are focused at, she needs to be hurt in order to change.

There are even people that have said that they are looking forward to watching Lilith suffer (I don't know if I've said it on the internet but I was one of them.)

Revenge has been proven to not make people feel better. And a lot of therapists usually say you need to forgive people. That doesn't mean fix the relationship, it means try to stop wishing they get hurt. Cause the feeling is only hurting you.

Also it's a normal human feeling to be angry, so no I'm not calling people monsters for this. And forgiveness is a hard process that takes a lot of work, but it usually isn't helped by hurting others.

The words people usually use to defend this sentence are:

"Consequences change people's minds or at the very least make them scared of doing it again."

Ok so how about we use this sentence instead, it's short enough and the main mission now is keeping ourselves safe Instead of it being hurting someone, you're still wishing it but it's not the main goal, it's a secondary one.

Well, cause it immediately shows two issues both statements have.

Firstly a friendship with someone that wants to hurt you but is scared of doing so is not a healthy one, cause they'll just try to be sneaky. You can only do it with people that aren't close to you like how the authorities do it towards criminals.

Secondly punishments rarely change people's minds. They've never worked on me, especially when you attack my identity, cause this way you make it even worse. And expecting that you can change someone usually means you're about to fail.

"But we can't get rid of punishments, people will hurt us."

I'm not saying we should. I'm saying our main goal should be our safety and hurting them may happen but it shouldn't be important.

Or better yet:

"Building healthy boundaries to the point where you're not getting hurt anymore, but not going overboard."

Examples:

- You have a friend you see Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. But on Wednesdays, after work, they usually are very ignorant of your feelings and sometimes joke at your expense. So you stop going out at Wednesdays.

They might never ask why you did it and that's ok, cause you're not getting hurt anymore.

But usually they do ask why? You explain to them the issue with respect, don't call them names.

Some people will change after this and you can get rid of the boundary later on.

Other people may acknowledge this and say it's a good idea, cause they are overwhelmed, but never change.

Other other people may start hurting you even more. You build the boundaries even more, sometimes to the point you cut them out of your life, even if they weren't hurting you intentionally.

Which is completely ok if you can't maintain contact without being hurt.

- Eda's handling of Gwendolyn's cures is another good one. She never called her names or anything. She just made sure that Gwen can't hurt her anymore. Cause it wasn't only the cures. Eda's feelings were always getting ignored. She literally couldn't talk with her about anything other than the curse. Her emotions were getting neglected.

- Eda's handling of Tibbles is also an interesting example.

At first after the scamming she just left him. She couldn't see how he could hurt her.

And in episode 14 she killed him. Cause he showed that he would do anything to murder her dump kids and knew their address. Almost same story with Adegast.

Yes murder in this extreme cases can be a healthy boundary.

Lilith's relationships with the owl fam

King:

King didn't know Lilith was living with them and knows about her neglect.

Luz:

Luz would only stand up for others never for herself which is very unhealthy. I don't know if she forgave Lilith, but I can see her not mentioning it if she hasn't and playing along as a teacher.

"The real mystery is how she can be both so smart and yet so wrong at the same time. Academics, am I right?"

The closest one to her she has roasted like this, is her mentor, who firstly makes people feel safe.

"EDA, You're embarrassing me Infront of my crew." - Raine, after thirty years of not seeing her.

Secondly, she was being a jerk, she was teaching Luz about cards while she was begging for magic lessons and was not getting it for weeks.

"Cards, the paper rectangles that old people think are fun."

Heck, she might even be scared of Lilith. She almost got killed.

So far I don't have a reason to think she likes her. She hasn't really talked with her or about her much.

Eda:

Eda has already shown that she can handle conflicts in relationships. Like in episode 9, where she got Luz into Hexside and everything I already said.

I made an entire post about Eda being too emotional and I still stand by it, but serious situations that have to do with relationships, she usually is very rational and good at handling them. Probably because of the curse making her afraid of her anger and countless people attacking her.

At the beginning of the series Eda probably was expecting that the worst case scenario would be for Lilith to catch her and if Lilith isn't given the time to realise what she did, she'd be killed and best case scenario Lilith changes.

Episode 5, where Lilith burned down her wanted posters, episode 8 where Lilith was gonna get her straight in the coven instead of arresting her, episode 11, where Lilith said she wanted for Eda to join on her own and episode 17, where they played grudgby.

Proved to her even more that Lilith cares a lot for her and maybe she will change.

Then episode 18 happened and King wanting hugs and Luz's "Let me die!" Suddenly the worst case scenario became not her dieing but her dieing and the trauma the kids will experience. The fact that they won't have her in their lifes.

Lilith says "Then why were you so easy to curse?!?" This does not sound like "I accidentally did this and I'm sorry." No, Eda thought Lilith did this on purpose. And now her kids might get killed by her own sister cause she was too naive to trust her.

From now on I don't think she was trying to kill her cause Lilith isn't dangerous without raw power like Adegast and Tibbles, but to disable her is a possibility.

To add to this Eda wasn't rational almost throughout the entire finale. She probably didn't pick up on the line "If you would just let me explain." Just like she didn't question why Lilith was thrown in a cage.

Then she learns that Lilith commited treason together with her kids and started feeling like she doesn't know the full story, but Lilith is still a caring person. So she jumps Infront of the beam to save both Lilith and King.

Afterwards Lilith shares the curse and has nowhere to go if she gets kicked out so there is no reason to believe that she would hurt them physically.

I know in a post I said I don't think she fully processed the situation with Lilith. But now I think I was only half right.

She didn't fully process how much she was hurt but she understood Lilith's situation. Forgave her as soon as possible, not immediately. But that doesn't mean she rebuilded the relationship as soon as she forgave her.

First of, the forgiveness part happened after episode 1. The entire episode she was guilt tripping her, which I don't think was helping the situation. It makes Lilith more emotional which then makes it harder for her to face reality.

I'm not calling Eda a bad person for this but I do think it was a mistake.

What wasn't a mistake but a good thing is Eda wasn't the one to listen to her problems, it was Hooty. Cause her emotional health matters too and standing in one room with her sister is challenging.

And now I'm wondering does Eda know about how Lilith was treated by both the coven and their parents.

Eda calling Lilith a tool, seems to me more of them competing with each other rather than the recent events. Also Lilith forcing her rules without saying why they are there.

I'm glad the episode ended with them switching roles, where Lilith is now more powerful. Though I'm pretty sure the roles are getting switched again.

So what about the rebuilding of the relationship or should I say trust.

Well they didn't show us much, but I think the trust isn't fully back.

Cause she has only been proving that she can be physically trusted like when she saved King's life.

Eda never opens up, which is unhealthy. But in this case it's a healthy boundary, cause King did it and he got Lilith projecting onto him.

Lilith isn't good at being mentally supportive and still has bad habits.

Lulu and Hootsifer

Hooty helping Lilith was something, she really needed and didn't take for granted, cause the only one to ever even consider this is Eda.

They are buddies that look out for each other. I wouldn't say they talk a lot about feelings as they have no idea how to do that, but there are examples where they do.

Like "What kind of a witch am I?" and Hooty's letter.

Her letter for Hooty, was supportive, but ignored the issue of Hooty always being in people's personal space.

Which led to Hooty drugging Eda, kidnapping three children and almost killing said kids when his plans didn't work the way he wanted. He also ate the letter for King.

I want a Hooty redemption arc, now!

[meetmeatthecoda]

I am shocked. And devastated. And just... deeply saddened.

Firstly, I have no ill will toward Megan. It has never seemed like she’s had a 100% fabulous experience on the show, for a variety of reasons, but we certainly don’t know all the facts, and it’s really none of our business. Of course, she has the absolute right to pick whatever projects she wants to work on & when. And who knows, she could want to spend more time with or perhaps grow her family. Regardless, I wish her the best.

Secondly, I am... confused & appalled at the writers. Not only for all their previous poor decisions (which I suppose are, after all, a matter of opinion & more importantly, I’m not interested in going into them right now/again) but for the way they handled this. Just... they obviously knew this was coming - these things have to be decided in advance - & this is how they chose to write their final season with their lead? I’m... aghast. She was straight-up gone for a portion (though we don’t know the truth behind that, to be fair), villianized for most of it, & pretty much hated for all of it. They knew she was leaving & they couldn’t be bothered to at least try to redeem her character & wrap up her arc in a positive way? Not to mention repair her relationship with the other main character, WHICH IS BY THE WAY THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE SHOW. I’m just... baffled. Granted, who knows what they’ll pull out of their rears for these last two eps but... I’m not fooling myself into expecting anything good.

Thirdly, all that “real life” business said... personally? I’m so upset. I saw the headline on my phone first thing when I woke up & the most awful horror spread through my chest. I know that sounds dramatic but... listen. This show means a lot to me. For all that I bitch about it (which I know is a lot), this show has been a constant in my life for over 8 years &... that’s a long-ass time. It’s seen me through the end of high school, undergraduate school, graduate school, AND a world-wide pandemic. I made this tumblr specifically to join the Lizzington community, I’ve made such incredible friends through it, & I started writing just for this ship. My time here has been a rock in tough times, a guilty pleasure, & a place to escape. I’ve met amazing people all over the world - some of the loveliest & purest relationships I’ve ever had - and even actual physical penpals, none of which I would have had the opportunity to do without this show. Watching the fandom slowly shrink as friends & acquaintances move on to bigger & better things has been so sad to see & I’m afraid of that just being compounded with the few of us left. I don’t want to lose the friends I’ve made because the show is effectively over. Maybe I’m being overly-sentimental because this is my first active fandom experience but... I don’t care. That’s how I feel. I’m not even sure what I’ll blog about anymore with no show to theorize about, no gifs to cry over, no crappy plots to bitch about. And in terms of fic... I don’t know. I’d certainly like to finish what I have in my line-up, but I’m not sure about after that. I’d love to finish my WIPs & write the vision I’ve always had for my final Lizzington fic. It makes me so sad to think of not writing anymore but if there’s no show? What else can I do? I won’t be stopping immediately but, as I suppose it’s always been, the conclusion of the show is tied to the lifespan of my fics & when one ends... I think so does the other. And that thought makes me so unbelievably sad.

I think I’m mostly gutted because I just wasn’t expecting this. I NEVER thought either Megan or James leaving before the natural conclusion of the show was EVER a possibility. And, more importantly, I thought we had at least one more season. Ever since renewals came into real question around season seven or so, it occurred to me that I should try to prepare for the eventual end. And I was mentally preparing for it! But, since the news that there will be a season 9, I was counting on at least one more year. Would it be bad? Probably. Would it be worth watching? Probably not. Would there be any Lizzington? Unlikely. But would I be able to liveblog & scream about it with my friends? Yes. Would there be inspiration for new fics? You bet. Would there be the smallest, tiniest, little glimmer of hope for Lizzington? .....Yes. Some may argue there was never any hope to begin with (& we would obviously disagree) but that’s the thing about hope: as long as there’s a little, there’s some. But there’s not anymore. Because without Megan, there’s no Liz, & without Liz, there’s no possibility for Lizzington. At least for me. So, to go from counting on at least one more season before it was time to prepare for the end of this whole experience, to suddenly just two episodes is... so painful. Just one week left. After eight seasons. And more than eight years. Usually you have so much more build-up before series finales, which is effectively what this is for me. To not have that just makes everything feel so... pointless. I know it’s not &, despite the shit show this all turned out to be, I WILL have fond memories of this time. And I WILL eventually get over it. It just... feels like a huge loss. Because it is. It’s unexpected. And devastating. And while it’s super dramatic & way over-the-top to say it... I feel like I’m grieving right now. This show - & more so this ship - meant so much to me. And I feel like we lost that today. Who knows what they’ll do in these next 2 episodes - if they’ll chose to retcon the mythology or if they’ll successfully tie up all the loose ends? If they’ll end with Red & Liz on good terms or friends (or more?) or if they’ll OOC tf out of the relationship in an attempt to set things up for season 9 & whatever their weird plans are...

But, I’m sorry, no matter what they’re planning? I won’t be watching season 9. The Blacklist has always - from the first promo - been about Red & Liz & their relationship. TPTB seem to have forgotten that. And to quote Megan... “I think it’s a love story.”

It’s a shame we never got to see it.

[rainbowoverdragon]

Thoughts on Ryo

This is an analysis of Zane Truesdale/Ryo Marufuji, focusing on his mindset as well as his relationships with other people. As I am basing this off the original Japanese version for standardization, all names likewise are their sub counterparts.

When Sho obtains a rare and powerful card from his brother, he believes he has it made. After this, Sho finds the courage to confront his bully in a duel. So after he draws Power Bond, Sho thinks he has it made. He gloats to the bully, insulting him, making outlandish claims out of the arrogant belief that he can't lose. Before he can use it, Sho is interrupted by the very person who gifted him that card. "You aren't worthy to use that card yet. Until you have what it takes to be called a duelist, I declare that card off-limits.'' Devastated by this statement, Sho proceeded to view himself as incapable of dueling for years; unworthy of Power Bond. It’s an establishing character moment for both Marufuji brothers, setting Ryo up as an impossible standard to reach in Sho’s eyes. However, for Ryo, his intentions are revealed to be more well-intentioned than Sho is led to believe. In episode 8, Sho realizes that Ryo wished for Sho to treat his own power with respect: towards both his opponent and his high-risk high-reward cards. This constant cycle of good intentions and misplaced words leads to a negative feedback loop between the brothers that seems impossible to resolve. Ryo struggles to convey his own observations to others in a way that doesn’t come off as condescending. Sho cannot take things past face value, and places his brother upon a pedestal that he cannot surpass. After all, how can you beat perfection itself?

During his years in Duel Academy, Ryo is the embodiment of perfection. He is the opposite of his brother, never missing a single mark in any area. Everyone constantly refers to Ryo as “perfect”, from his teachers to his peers to even the Kaiser himself. He even soundly beats Judai in the first duel they have together, a feat seen as impossible by the audience. But it’s this very idea of perfection that haunts Ryo, as he believes that perfection implies stagnation. If Ryo has perfect scores in class, there is no way to improve them. If he reached the peak of his potential in one duel, that means it’s all downhill from there. His greatest fears are confirmed when he loses to Edo in the Pro Leagues, starting a chain of losses that ruins his career beyond repair. Ryo is perfect. He is so perfect, that during his school years he never truly struggled against an opponent (Aside from Judai in Episodes 51-52 however he maintained the advantage for the majority of the duel). In fact, he suffered from the opposite problem. As Ryo is too powerful, he’d purposely hold back until his peers could unleash their trump cards against him. Only then did he defeat them with just enough power to avoid humiliation. His first loss wasn’t only his first loss, it was the first time Ryo found himself in a disadvantaged position. His inexperience with failure led to him associating the mere act of struggle with the idea of loss. Ryo’s inability to move past this is his own self-fulfilling prophecy. Being afraid of failure makes people play to not lose. Playing to not lose instead of playing to win causes chokes, which results in losses. Unable to break from this cycle, Ryo is abandoned by his sponsors. Which is why the idea of Underground Duels, a place where he can start over and regain his bearings is so enticing. At least, until they reveal the condition.

And at first, Ryo despises the Underground. He appeals to be released, he states it’s not what dueling is, it’s nothing like he could ever imagine. And how could it be? Ryo’s life is on the line, and for no good reason. The shock collars are there to make things fun for the audience, not for any other benefit! In his duel with Sho, who says that 'this isn't dueling', Ryo even admits he thought the same thing. It spits on the very concept of respecting your opponent. The collars humiliate you, egging you on to forget about the other person. And in general, is amoral (as well as a human rights violation). Underground Duels are almost always life or death, because nobody fights harder than people who are convinced they are going to die. And Ryo is convinced that if he duels the way that he always has, if he clings into his morals, he will die. His opponent, Mad Dog, purposely created a deck to counter him. So why should he respect him? Why should he not aim to win? Why can’t he aim to survive? After crawling from hell, nothing is the same for the Kaiser. Because every duel is another reminder that he survived. He is unable to see any match he takes for fun, every duel to him is life or death. In the real world, there are people who lose and wither away, and people who win and thrive. And by god, he wants to feel alive. He spent so long losing, something utterly unthinkable for the Kaiser of Duel Academy. Ryo was undefeated before, now he truly wishes to not experience it again. If forcing himself to feel that every fight of his is to the death, literally or mentally, then so be it. He continues dueling in the Underground, continues to utilize the shock collars he once despised. No matter what cost, health or mind, Ryo requires victory.

When Ryo is told that his health is failing from his shock collars, he doesn’t seek medical attention. Because to Ryo, being alive is more important than living. He transformed into Hell Kaiser achieved the great power that comes from becoming a monster, at the cost of self-destruction. He flirted with death, and finally has to pay the price. And he doesn’t care. As long as Ryo obtains what he wishes, he is happy. And what the Hell Kaiser wants more than anything else, is one last duel to surpass all others. Ryo would rather reach the limit of his capabilities, and die meeting them than waste away quietly to be forgotten forever. Thus he seeks Yubel, the strongest monster spirit in the Universe. If he meets an opponent of his caliber and 'shines' during the mattle, then he’d have nothing to fear in death. But he does. After entering his long-awaited match, Ryo admits to not wanting to die. He wants to live, he wants to leave a mark that can never be forgotten. Yet he doesn’t want to die. Ryo has achieved everything he wanted, shown the strongest he has been or will ever be. Before he duels Yubel, he comes to a revelation. At first, Ryo wished to fight the strongest being to win. He doesn't care anymore. Ryo is dying, win or lose the result is the same. Since he turned Hell Kaiser, Ryo only respected victory. The joy he obtained by knowing he survived another duel is utterly meaningless against Yubel. What happiness does he obtain knowing he survived….when he isn’t going to live to begin with? He understands that the duel itself is what makes Ryo feel alive, doing the most with what remaining time he has with his life. As Ryo tells Judai, his death is the end of the road for people who glorify power. And thus it’s no surprise that Ryo is taken out by the card he is associated with most: Power Bond. A card that lets you receive unthinkable amounts of power, at the price of self-destruction.

Out of all the people who save Judai from himself, the Kaiser’s impact is one of the most apparent. It takes someone who knows the suffering someone else goes through to achieve empathy, especially in Judai's case. Judai struggles with sympathy, as shown with his interactions with Sho in Seasons 1-3. Whenever Sho asks for help with his confidence, Judai gives him the helpful advice of "Don't be anxious!" Judai cannot comprehend being insecure with one's capabilities, thus he cannot help Sho directly. In contrast, Judai is more receptive to empathy. Manjoume's crisis in Season 1 revolved around the pressure others placed upon him to succeed. Judai deeply understands his strife, and helps him fight for himself. This is why Misawa's speech about accountability fails to help Judai utilize Polymerization. Misawa has no fundamental basis to understand Judai's feelings. In contrast, Kaiser's duel with Yubel awakens Judai's character growth. Ryo is Judai's cautionary tale, a warning of self-fulfilling prophecies. During the Graduation Duel, Ryo tells Judai that he possesses infinite potential compared to himself. This rings true in watching Ryo's belief of his own lack of capability to change, resulting in his inability to change because he destroyed himself beyond repair. In contrast, Judai has not fallen to this path. Watching Ryo's descent as well as his late realization means everything to Judai: especially someone so responsive to empathy. This is because they are mirrors of each other, to the point their character’s arcs are entirely parallel to one another. Both are idolized for the power they hold over others, both of them experience the loss of the pedestal they once stood upon. Both achieve the sharpest fall from grace (against an opponent with ‘Mad’ in their title), which leads to them glorifying their own power and abusing it against others. Despite their friends trying to help them, it is ultimately up to themselves to self-actualize their shortcomings. However it is Ryo, who thinks he cannot change, who succumbs upon his own revelation. And it is Ryo, who always believed in Judai’s infinite potential even in the Graduation Duel, who changes Judai’s path. Without Ryo, Judai would be unable to utilize his power responsibly. Because Judai now knows what happens to people who push themselves too far, just like how he used to. Power is not something to be afraid of or abused, but to use responsibly.

The Hell Kaiser doesn’t entirely work for others; he even states he fought Yubel out of selfish motivations. However, Ryo is also constantly associated with lighthouses. To the people that mean the most to him, Ryo is a light that tries to guide others to safety. However lighthouses are far away from the people they try to save, and thus it takes the initiative of others to help themselves after seeing the light from afar. This is shown by Ryo’s relationships with the people he’s closest to remaining fundamentally the same from his own side: regardless of his actual guidance being positive or negative. Ryo’s actions and intentions around Sho remain the same across both his younger self and Hell Kaiser: each time trying to guide Sho to become the best version of himself. "Until you have what it takes to be called a duelist, I declare that card off-limits."", is the devastating statement Ryo told Sho as kids. But Ryo believed his brother needed to understand true power in respect, guiding Sho away from arrogance and towards the light of good. His brother's weakness required defending. This concept is twisted on its head once Ryo becomes Hell Kaiser, who only views power or meaning in victory. Thus he employs the same tactic, because Ryo does not see the difference between restricting Power Bond to teach respect, and having Sho experience the same pain he did to ditch it.

Both Ryo and Hell Kaiser sing the same song. Ryo intends on ‘protecting’ his weaker brother by teaching him right from wrong. Both times, Sho and Ryo misunderstand each other. At first, Sho doesn’t comprehend the real reason why Ryo forbade Power Bond. The second time, Ryo doesn’t understand how Sho can cling to his own beliefs of respect even if he loses because of it. However, the one time Ryo’s words connect is when he saves Sho in season 3. And even then, it’s an admission of distance between the two. Ryo sees Sho’s pain inflicted by Judai far outweighs what Ryo had done to Sho. Thus Ryo advises Sho to follow Judai, since it’s what his heart truly desired all along. He then leaves, to force Sho into walking his own path. Ryo cannot spell out Sho's wishes any more than he does. And if Sho is alone, then he is forced to swim instead of sink.

Ryo’s association with lighthouses in canon directly correlates to Fubuki. As much as Fubuki is associated with darkness, Ryo is quite literally the light that shines through to him. When Fubuki was overtaken by Darkness in the first arc, we later find out that Ryo regrets being unable to find Fubuki no matter how much information and effort he scrounged up. Fubuki then replies that the mere act of trying saved him, as he could see Ryo’s feelings in spite of the darkness that consumed him. To Fubuki, Ryo is the lighthouse that guides people through the darkness. And when Fubuki is overtaken by the Darkness in an attempt to save Ryo from it, Ryo’s feelings once again vanquishes Fubuki from the dark. However, instead of the Kaiser saving Fubuki, Hell Kaiser explicitly protects him from Darkness. Because the two are friends, even after everything Ryo’s been through. This leads Fubuki to a revelation that no one else understands: Hell Kaiser is not fundamentally different from Ryo. Fubuki realizes that even as Hell Kaiser, Ryo respected Fubuki. Why else would he save him from Darkness? Indeed, every interaction of Ryo’s major interpersonal relationships are fundamentally the same. It’s simply his worldview that shifted. As much as Ryo wishes to respect others, he doesn’t think he can in a world where everyone must take advantage of their life to the fullest extent.

And Ryo, who cannot change because he thinks he cannot change, stayed as he was until it was far too late to be saved.

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Rating Every Song on Fearless Based on How Gay it is

Hello friends! I still have a few song analyses in the pipeline (and one on Lover the album) but today in honor of Fearless (Taylor’s Edition) being announced and Love Story being released in a few hours I thought I’d do something fun to celebrate!

And you know what? Fuck my usual disclaimer, I am the word of god here. Try and change my mind about any of these. I dare you. (I kid I kid this isn’t that serious and you’re free to disagree <3)

1. Fearless 15/10

Everything about this song is so fucking gay oh my god. This isn’t a fruit, this is a whole ass edible arrangement. As a small rural town Gay (my hometown has a population of less that 4,000 and where I’m living now has a population of 2,500) this uh. Hits.

“And I don't know how it gets better than this/You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless”

Y’ALL

The idea of falling in love with someone who makes you less afraid of your homophobic small town…….it’s getting to me.

“My hands shake, I'm not usually this way but/You pull me in and I'm a little more brave/It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something/It's fearless”

This is making me emotional, I'll be honest. I see so much of my friends and my experience in high school in this song. 

This quote I found on genius is from when the album was released on BMR’s website.

“When I wrote ‘Fearless,’ I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t even in the beginning stages of dating anybody. I really was all by myself out on tour and I got this idea for a song about the best first date. I think sometimes when you’re writing love songs, you don’t write them about what you’re going through at the moment, you write about what you wish you had. So, this song is about the best first date I haven’t had yet.”

This just screams baby Tay writing gay folklore to me, about the gay stories she wish she had. Notice how there are no pronouns in this song??? Fruity I’m telling you.

All that to say. I’m crying because the linear note says “I loved you before I met you” and I want to go listen to Long Story Short and cry now.

2. Fifteen 1/10

Objectively pretty straight as she’s singing about her and Abigail’s dating boys in HS. And Taylor got with a senior guy. Good for her I suppose.

Unless he was one of the shitty ones in which case.

“This is life before you know who you're gonna be”

This however, is a cute line and the whole song makes me warm and nostalgic. You can also hear her crying after the line “and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind” which makes me emo and I’m sure will take on new depth after Abigail’s divorce and hurt me even more.

Other highlights that make me sob include.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted/Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now/Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine”

Bigger dreams of hers indeed :’)

(Also how can you say she’s a gold star lesbian when this song exists. She was obviously dating boys in high school and even if you think she’s a lesbian. Comp het is a hell of a drug kids.)

3. Love Story 8/10

Tried to change the ending indeed.

This is THE Taylor Swift song, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but damn I still love it. Written because she wanted to change the ending of Romeo and Juliet (how anyone likes RandJ enough to want to rewrite I have no clue.) and/or because her parents didn’t approve of a guy she was seeing. (according to genius, it would’ve been too early for Joe J so it could possibly be Boys Like Girls frontman, his image did clash with hers and they did release some cute songs together. However if you want my take it’s probably folklore about Emily, take for what you will)

This song has very oft gay vibes with the ‘They don’t approve of our love angle!’ but uses male pronouns so points redacted for that. HOWEVER this is a very early use of ~the male perspective~ in Taylor’s songs and for that it deserves all the love.

“ So I sneak out to the garden to see you/We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while”

More rural town angst!!!

Nothing gets me more than rural town angst.

“Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real”

Originally the lyric was “this love is different”. Granted I do not remember the source, i’s just lore implanted into my brain, but make of that what you will.

“"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone/I love you, and that's all I really know/I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress/It's a love story, baby, just say "Yes"”

Marry me Juliet from the male perspective :)

Also worth noting. This is Karlie’s (and Kim K’s lmao) favorite Taylor song which. While basic as hell. Makes this cover sad as hell to this former Kaylor. (thanks @swiftgron-get-married for the tears <3)

Also not to make this about a man AGAIN but the secret message is “Some day I’ll find this” AND SHE DID IM CRYING.

4. Hey Stephen 1/10

The one thing Camilla Cabello and I have in common is loving this song, so I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

This song is very painfully straight.

How can you think this woman is a gold star lesbian.

The only noteworthy thing is that this is one of the few songs she confirms who it’s about. The secret message is “Love and Theft” which is the name of a country music duo who went on to open her Fearless tour. Which, does make me side eye this song a little bit.

Still a cute song.

“Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing/I don't always have to be alone”

5. White Horse 1/10

Oh look. It’s track five. 

You know maybe this is just me being a bitch but in my ranking of track fives this is. Pretty low. Maybe on the bottom.

Like I don’t have a lot to say about it. 

She’s going through it over a guy. He was a cheating dickweazel. 

“'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale/I'm gonna find someone someday/Who might actually treat me well”

“Try and catch me now, oh/It's too late/To catch me now”

These lines hit though!!

And she found Joe!! Who treats her well!!!! And she isn’t the princess, she’s the prince who dropped her sword and knocked on her door!!! But this time if they come for them she’s ready!!!

Yes I will make every song about Long Story Short <3

6. You Belong With Me 5/10

Ah yes. The other THE Taylor Swift song.

You know. If I went to a high school with a cheerleading squad. And I had a crush on a cheerleader. I would blast this song. So for that it gets a 5/10. Otherwise. Fairly straight and fairly iconic.

7. Breathe 8/10

Well. We know this one is about a woman. (Emily Poe for those not in the know. Ha. A rhyme!) That alone has an 8/10. And it’s the first time she has a featured artist so bonus points for that!

It was nominated for a Grammy and it fucking lost to Jason Mraz. When’s the last time you thought about Jason Mraz.

I will not have Kaylor feels on a fucking Fearless song but damn is it VERY easy.

“Never a clean break, no one here to save me/You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand”

“It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend/Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me”

Also this bridge? Goes off. HIGHLY underrated. 

8. Tell Me Why 3/10

You know. Maybe this album isn’t as gay as I once thought.

This song does bop though, not as good as her other angry songs on this album. But I can vibe with this you know. Why are you being an asshole mysterious man.

“You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day”

This has to be one of baby Tay’s best burns. Damn. 

“Why do you have to make me feel small/So you can feel whole inside?/Why do you have to put down my dreams/So you're the only thing on my mind?”

Men ain’t shit kids. However, bonus points for the shade. 

9. You’re not Sorry 1/10

Ok, ok. Maybe this was a foolish endeavor.

Because yet again we have a very straight song. A good song. That was on Taylor’s episode of CSI. But oh dear. Very straight. Gets a measly one point. We started this post off so very very gay but damn. We seem to be nearing the end on a very straight note.

10. The Way I Loved You 20/10

Hey Remember what I said about this album being very straight.

WELL THAT WAS A LIE.

Is this a comphet album or am I projecting.

This is one of my favorite baby gay Taylor songs. Her masterful use of pronouns (he is sensible! And so incredible! And all my single friends are jealous! But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, when it was two am and I was cursing your name!) makes the other person she’s singing about completely vague, while we know she isn’t happy with whichever guy she’s dating.

Mayhaps an early reaction to PRomances?

Either way this song is so good, truly an underrated gay gem I mean. Look at it.

“Breaking down and coming undone/It's a roller coaster kind of rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that's the way I loved you”

AND THE BRIDGE. Do all of her gay songs just have kickass bridges?

“He can't see the smile I'm faking/And my heart's not breaking/'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all/And you were wild and crazy/Just so frustrating/Intoxicating, complicated/Got away by some mistake and now…”

Damn. I’m imaging this with 2020 vocals and fucking ascending.

Also please watch the live performance of it from the Fearless tour. It’s such a damn shame this got cut from the movie and some woman in the front row is wearing a cowboy hat. Everyone is holding up those cameras everyone had to have before smartphones. Taylor is being endearing. It’s a good time.

11. Forever and Always 6/10

Bonus points for the ~drama~ of it all. Added last minute to the album? The iconic throwing of the chair in live performances?? All of it very dramatique and for that we stan.

Still pretty straight.

Also Joe Jonas responded to the song and why do I find his response so damn funny. “It’s part of being a musician, I guess. You write songs about each other.”

This is another song where the idea of Taylor’s grown up vocals on this is………..whew

12. The Best Day 0/10

This gets zero points because it’s about her literal mom.

Still makes me cry.

God bless Andrea Swift indeed

13. Change 13/10

We start the official tracklist with a gay song. We end it with a gay song.

We will ignore that it was originally written for Scott and BMR and instead induct it into the hall of gay pride anthems, as it should be. 

“We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared/You can walk away, say we don't need this/But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this”

“This revolution, the time will come/For us to finally win/And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah”

The music video is cringe though lol

14. Jump then Fall 10/10

This song is gay because I choose it to be. <3

Like. Picture baby Taylor writing this song and playing it on her guitar to a girl she has a crush on telling her that she’ll protect her and they’ll be safe and in love and happy together. Gah, maybe I’m ~projecting~ but this sweet ass song always gets me and is EASILY in my top five Taylor songs. Super underrated and hecking cute. 

“We're on the phone and without a warning/I realize your laugh is the best sound/I have ever heard”

Like. Look at this shit.

“I watch you talk, you didn't notice/I hear the words but all I can think is/We should be together”

Tell me this is about the first time you get a crush on a girl and she’s your best friend and she’s amazing and beautiful and you realize you kinda want to kiss her and you hope she wants to kiss you too.

“I had time to think it oh, over/And all I can say is come closer/Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me”

And she’s the Romeo who's going to protect her!!!!! She’s the knight in shining armor in this song and I love that for her??

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet/I'll catch you, I'll catch you/When people say things that bring you to your knees/I'll catch you/The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry/But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

I won’t divulge into full on analysis here because. This is what this post is about but PLEASE listen to this song more. It’s such a gay little gem.

15. Untouchable 9/10

How does she make a cover sound gay.

It sounds so gay.

“You got to come on, come on, say that we'll be together/Come on, come on, little taste of heaven”

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

16. Forever and Always Piano Version 1/10

This song gets 1/10 because I don’t like it. There. I said it.

17. Come in With the Rain 3/10

I can see why this is a bonus track. It doesn’t hit me as much as the other songs on the album.

But damn if I don’t want to scream sing this one driving down a high way.

18. Superstar 7/10

You can’t tell me this song is about a man. I simply won’t entertain the idea.

You cannot prove to me that this song is about a man. There is not a male pronoun in sight. 

>:)

19. The Other Side of the Door 6/10

Is this song about having a fight about being in the closet? Probably not. Will my gay little brain make it about that? Yep!

And that, funky little queer pals, is my gay rating of every Fearless song. Like and subscribe, #t3atmidnight

[dex-xe]

fluff no.50 with the captain and havers??

Captain & Havers Fluff #50: “Stay.”

(I’m super, super, super happy with this one,, v proud fellas!! This is based on my own experiences btw and how shutdowns affect me specifically so I am in now way claiming this to be representative of the whole community but if people have problems with this let me know and I’ll take it down cause even though its personal to me, I don’t want others to feel disrespected. Anyway, again this went up on ao3 like two days ago I think?? so yeh go check out stuff on there too!! Enjoy!!) (even though this one is mad long XD)

Prompt list

Inbox

Vision blurred by the night and mind foggy with tiredness, the Captain finally reached the gates of Button House. He hitched his khaki bag up higher on his shoulder and blinked up at the dark windows of the manor house, safe in the knowledge that his soldiers were fast asleep and unable to disturb him further. The driving rain stuck his silver hair to his forehead and made his uniform cling to his skin in a suffocating hold, not exactly helping his vulnerable situation.

He’d spent a week in London with other COs from across the region, sitting through meeting after meeting with a masked expression plastered across his face. His energy had not been focussed on the week’s work but instead on trying to appear calm and normal in front of his superiors. He’d kept it up, much to his own surprise, he’d left the mask in place for a full week; never dropping the facade, never letting the reality of his anxiety-ridden demeanour slip out.

As he ran through the rain to the front door, he couldn’t help but feel some pride in keeping up appearances but the mental energy he had lost over the week was seriously taking it’s toll. The house span in front of him blurring into a swirl of dark colours, he couldn’t think of anything but the intense desire to climb into bed and block out the world for a little while: just a few hours where he could be quiet and still and shut off the lights and sounds, where he didn’t have to speak to a single other soul.

Gripping his bag tightly over his shoulder, the Captain pushed open the heavy wooden door and stumbled into the hallway. Water droplets fell from his hair as he ran a hand through it, wiping his feet on the mat and quietly pushing the door shut behind, being careful not to wake the men.

“You’re back late.”

The Captain jumped a mile as a whisper emanated from the dark house. He started up to see Lieutenant Havers leaning in the hall doorway. The Captain’s breath caught in his throat as he saw Havers in a way he had never seen before: hair mussed up slightly and falling across his forehead, soft white nightshirt flowing over his standard issue army slacks.

“Captain?” Havers ducked his head slightly to meet the Captain’s eye line where it had been fixated on his chest. “Here, dry yourself off.”

Havers held out a towel for the Captain, who took it graciously and began to brush water from his hair. The Captain noticed his hands were shaking a little as he reached out to Havers and worked to try and steady them to maintain his facade.

“You are rather late, sir. We were expecting you back late afternoon; it’s well past midnight?” Havers queried.

“Train,” the Captain said simply, his voice cracked as he reluctantly spoke for the first time in hours.

“Ah, blasted things. Just can’t rely on them,” Havers smiled. “How was your? Did you hear from Colonel Andrews about their progress? Surely they must be close to finishing Operation Coventry by now?”

“Mmhm,” the Captain coughed. “Yes I should think so, Lieutenant. There shall be a full briefing in the morning.”

“Are you feeling quite well, sir?” Havers asked, noting the Captain’s pale complexion, fast, heavy blinking, and fidgeting hands wringing the towel between his fingers.

“Perfectly adequate, thank you Lieutenant,” he stuttered. “Now, if you don’t mind, I wish to shower and turn in for the night.”

The Captain turned to stumble up the stairs after Havers nodded curtly, barely taking in the concern plastered across his lieutenant’s features.

***

The Captain showered quickly before pulling on the nightclothes from his bag and taking up a swift jog to reach his private bedroom without running into any night owls still wandering lonely through the corridors. He slowly and quietly shut the bedroom door, sighing heavily and resting his forehead against the wood. He twisted the key and listened to the satisfying clunk of the lock barring the rest of the world from entering his life for just a few hours.

“Feeling better, sir?”

The Captain jumped at Havers’ voice once again. He spun on his toes to see Havers stoking a fire he had clearly put great effort into lighting.

“Good lord, man!” the Captain started, agitation beginning to rise through his chest. “Must you insist on sneaking up on me?”

“I don’t mean to, sir!” Havers was crouched beside the fire, his gentle smile illuminated by the flames. “There’s cocoa on the side by your bed, and a hot water bottle between the sheets for you. Try to warm you up after your dash through the rain, yes?”

The Captain dropped his bag from his shaking grip and sat on the edge of the bed. The hot cocoa warmed his hands, taking away some of the pain of having to continue the charade of acceptability he had suffered through during the week.

“Our briefing will be at 10:00 hours rather than 8, give you a little time to sleep in,” Havers reasoned. “I’ll keep the men quiet and occupied until then, I’m sure.”

“Quite unnecessary, Lieutenant, 10:00 hours is fine,” the Captain said. With every answer he provided for Havers, the words came out more painfully, more stilted. He could feel the anxiety rising through his chest, his brain coding over with the familiar fog he associated with an incoming ‘episode’ - as he always called them.

He’d suffered from his so-called ‘episodes’ since he was a young child and could easily recognise the warning signs: the creeping nauseous feeling of anxiety and tears, the slowing of his thoughts right down to a trickle, the restless desire to rock himself into a calmer state. He’d always snuck himself off alone, ever since he was young, never wanting those around him to catch on to his discomfort - peers, teachers, even his parents couldn’t see the true nature of his situation.

“Captain?” Havers had shifted away from the fire to stand in front of the Captain to look down at him. “Are you quite sure you’re alright? You’re looking a little peaky.”

The Captain nodded avoiding Havers’ worried gaze entirely. He gripped the sleeves of his nightshirt trying desperately not to embarrass himself with any uncontrollable movements that might inhibit him. His eyes were slammed shut to block out the iridescent glow of the lightbulb but the high pitched humming it produced was still permeating into his brain like sharp rods.

“Sir, you’re really beginning to scare me,” Havers said trying his hardest to stay calm. “Can you talk to me? What can I do? You can’t be well.”

The Captain shook his head being careful not to jostle his tender condition.

“Pen and paper!” Havers scrambled across to the Captain’s small wooden desk to grab supplies before thrusting a pencil into his hand and laying a notebook across his lap. The Captain’s hand faltered as he covered his ears, but then he put pencil to paper and wrote in scratchy, cursive lettering: “Light.”

“Would you like the light off?” Havers barely registered the Captain’s jerky nod before he made a heroic leap across the room to plunge the pair into darkness; the only light in the small bedroom was from the orangey glow of the fire Havers had meticulously built. The Captain was able to peel his eyes open to look at Havers who had taken up a kneeling position in front of him.

“Is that better for you?” The Captain nodded again gripping the pencil tight between his hands, knuckles turning white under the pressure. “What’s going on? You’re hiding, sir. Do not hide any pain you are feeling, I cannot help you if you are hiding.”

The Captain put pen to paper once again: “Too much.”

“Do not hide,” Havers said, watching as the Captain grimaced. “That’s actually an order, sir.”

The Captain finally gave in and allowed his   ‘episode’ to take over. His hand balled into a fist and shook violently beside head and he tried to curl in closer to himself. A low groaning noise was what disturbed Havers the most as he knelt before the Captain, reaching to rest his hands on the other man’s knees, fingertips burning through the Captain’s trousers and straight into his pale skin.

“You’re going to be fine,” Havers murmured quietly. He moved with the Captain as he rocked slowly back and forth, trying to ease out the tension. “I’m not going anywhere until you’re okay, so just let it all out.”

The Captain snatched at the pencil and wrote in his wobbly script: “Here.”

“Here?” Havers queried. “What do you mean? A little more detail.” He watched the paper intently as the Captain scratched over it once more: “Come here.”

Havers scrambled up and threw himself down on the bed beside the Captain watching him closely.

“What do you need? Should I take hold of you, sir? Is that what you want?” Havers stammered. A sharp nod from the Captain. “Come here.” Havers curled his strong arms around the the Captain’s waist and pulled him tightly towards him, having long since noted the Captain’s dislike for soft touch. The Captain rested his disturbingly warm forehead against Havers’ shoulder and allowed himself to accept the comfort he had so desperately needed. With his eyes screwed shut and face buried deep into Havers’ warmth, the Captain took a few shuddering breaths and felt the anxiety flow through his body and straight out of every point of contact he shared with Havers, as if the man was reaching in and drawing it all out from deep inside him.

“Was it this week?” Havers asked. “Was it too much? I can’t quite imagine how difficult it all must have been but you’re back now, back here where everything is exactly the way it should be, yes? Nothing out of place, just us and the men and our work. That’s better for you, isn’t it?” The Captain had never quite experienced understanding like Havers’. He’d long understood that Havers knew more about him than anyone else ever had but to have picked up on the Captain’s vulnerabilities so deftly and be able to work him through them unlike anyone else: that took something different - a different level of relationship the Captain couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“You should sleep,” Havers mumbled, his warm breath tickling behind the Captain’s ear. Havers began to manoeuvre away, pulling the Captain with him slightly to manhandle the bedsheets around his shoulders. “Come on, it is rather late.”

The Captain allowed himself to be pushed down onto the soft material, combined with the vacant feeling in his head and the warmth of the hot water bottle he’d laid to rest on his chest, he could almost feel himself floating away. Havers tempered the fire before diligently returning to the Captain’s side.

“Are you warm enough, sir? Do you need more blankets? Something to drink?” Havers fussed, rearranging pillows and smoothing down the sheets. The Captain shook his head but reached for his paper and pencil anyway, hoping to catch Havers attention once more before he disappeared back to this own quarters down the hall, leaving the Captain in the silence he had been craving only an hour, silence that didn’t seem so tempting now.

He wrote, more clear and cohesively this time: “Stay.”

“With you?” Havers stammered out. But late at night and in a vulnerable state, neither cared for the implications of the Captain’s request - even the uptight and overly cautious CO found himself lazily pulling back the covers for Havers to slip in.

Reaching out into the darkness, Havers pulled the Captain close again, close enough to be practically laying on top of him, long limbs dangling over him like a dog that had grown slightly too large for its owner. He settled them both back into the pillows and ran a loose hand down the back of the Captain’s shirt, smoothing over the material and allowing his hands to linger on the small of his back. Finally letting his eyes fall into comfortable rest rather than the squeezed-shut tension they had been before, the Captain further relaxed into Havers and curled into the strong and muscular arms holding tight around him.

“Sleep now,” Havers murmured low and deep into his ear, sending a shiver down the Captain’s spine. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Taking in one final deep breath before sleep overcame him, the Captain whispered into the dark, safe space Havers had helped create for him: “Thank you.”

[spnwatch]

Season 1: The Rankings

WOW it’s been ages since I’ve posted here. But before moving on to s2, I wanted to talk about my TOP TEN FAVE EPISODES. 

Something that surprised me about spn now i’ve finally watched some of it is how variable the episodes are in terms of quality. They’re not afraid to experiment either, and that flexibility is probably one reason this show lasted so long. Some things worked for me, some things didn’t. ANYWAY these are my opinions etc. just from a first time watcher!!  1.) Episode 6: SKIN. This episode, man. Where to even begin: I could be here all night. Suffice to say that the sequence where the shapeshifter sheds his Dean skin to “Hey Man Nice Shot” is just. Chef’s kiss. For the first time, the true depth of Dean’s self loathing truly came to the fore. How socially outcast he knows himself to be, all that hidden shame, that resentment he harbours towards Sam for having (potentially) a way out of the hunter life, coupled with his desperation not to lose him to the “normal world”: somewhere that Dean knows he can’t follow him. After so much posturing and bravado, that inner parodox was SO interesting to witness - he SHOOTS HIMSELF at the end -- and, for me, really steered the character into more *~ thematically complex territory ~* All the songs were good tbh. In-a-Gadda-da-Vida? Yes. 11/10 

2.) Episode 11: SCARECROW. There was just so much going on in this episode, but the thing I liked most was the setting. It looked so good!! Autumnal and pastoral. After a couple of (in my opinion) not very good-looking episodes, it was a real breath of fresh air. I also loved Sam in this episode: he looked so small standing by the side of that road. I fully understood the argument, but I also loved how dean just... called him intermittently to update him on the case?This episode really drove home to me how alone they are, how they really have no-one but each other. It also really highlighted how far Sam has drifted from episode 1: he’s on the fringes now, too. All too quickly backsliding into the role of rootless grifter, an identiy he’d tried so hard to claw his way out of. Also, there’s a tome. 10/10 

3.) Episode 12: FAITH. This. Episode. Slaps. To be honest, this is probably technically the masterpiece of the season in terms of plot, visuals, antagonist, music etc. but w/e it’s my list. Right off the bat Dean is dying and he’s like it’s fine Sammy, I’m not even mad about it, which is fucked up but then what is more fucked up is that his dad doesn’t even come when Sam leaves him a message? Dean seems to view dying as like. A thing grownups just have to do sometimes. Like jury duty. It’s extremely,extremely sad. Anyway I love the drama of Sam smashing apart the altar, I love the big tent, I love the “don’t fear the reaper” montage. It’s all, quite simply, a *~cut above~* 10/10 

4.) Episode 7: HOOK MAN. I don’t know if I was meant to love this episode so much?? I just really, really liked it. I loved the central mystery, and I thought Sam in particular really shone when it came to dealing with the townsfolk and the afflicted girl. It was one of the most thematically coherent episodes when it came to tying the monster to sublimated fear, in this instance, sex and sexuality! Damn do Americans have a weird relationship with sex. And not just with women; this episode really shone a spotlight on Sam’s sexuality wrt his guilt over Jess, his desire for normality, his coltish nervousness in Lori’s presence. There was SO. MUCH. Bonus points for ugly mid-2000s fashions. 10/10

5.) Episode 3: DEAD IN THE WATER. This was the first episode which really made me sit up and go, oh, okay. I can see why people lose their minds over this show. When it’s good, Supernatural just. Shoots a volt of pure catharsis straight into your chest. This was also the first time I really sat up and took note of Jensen Ackles’ acting chops. There’s just so much going on with him every time he’s onscreen, and each little paradoxical turn he gives to Dean’s character is a joy to witness. It was a visually beautiful episode, with a strong supporting cast. The moment I saw her in her silky lavender nightgown, twisting up her unrealistically perfect chingoin, I wished to marry Amy Acker’s character. I know she doesn’t come back to spn but she should’ve!! She should’ve!! 10/10 

6.) Episode 5: BLOODY MARY. I’ve heard tell of this episode being a bit of a fandom classic, and I support it. The last few minutes at the end? When Sam sees Jess at the side of the road in that slow panning shot, to the Rolling Stones song Laugh I Nearly Died? It was just... I think it changed me as a person, honestly. This show. It’s lower down on the list for me because how how freaking dark the lighting was at the end, but that might have just been the poor quality stream I found. But yeah, I really liked the plucky teen girl who helped them; I was pleasantly surprised to see a glamourous queen bee-type portrayed as smart and competent, and remain alive by the end. Gold star for you, spn. I know it’s all downhill from here. 9/10 

7.) Episode 15. THE BENDERS. First off, I have to give it points for the production design on that house. My brother was of the opinon it would’ve made a good video game enviroment (according to him a lot of spn is akin to a video game which... yeah). This episode also made me really acutely feel for Dean. Could it be because I’m an older sister and this was a literal nightmare scenario? Perhaps. But again what really came to the fore was the single-mindedness with which Dean acted. Sam being dead was literally not an option for him. On a lesser show that might have been left as a given, but the time was really taken to give an almost sinister intensity to Dean’s thoughts and behavior. Some really pretty car shots too. 9/10

8.) Episode 17: HELL HOUSE. What can I say about this? It’s just fun. I love the two conspiracy guys, I love the sibling prank war, I love the concept of a monster created by shared belief. The set design was cool, as was the montage at the beginning where they’re interviewing all the witnesses. It’s a briskly paced and lighthearted episode, which was a breath of fresh air and welcome break after last episode left the Winchester boys abandoned by their father. Yet. Again. Ugh. Throw the whole dad away. 9/10 

9.) Episode 19: PROVENANCE. Haunted painting! Haunted! Painting!! This is a simple lil episode but it receives points for Sam and Dean’s best and least convincing disguises thus far -- art dealers -- and a fun, sweet love interest for Sam. He’s so bashful! I thought she was smartly written and I especially liked that she took a more active role and actually helped them solve the case than other side characters we’ve seen so far. I also liked when they were standing over the grave and she was like wow, your lives are really fucked up... it’s true wtf these poor guys?? Anyway 8/10 

10.) Episode 14: NIGHTMARE. This spot was a real toss-up between this and SOMETHING WICKED, but NIGHTMARE just edged it out because of the strong supporting character Max, as well as the sheer conceptual power of psychic Sam. Something about the way Dean treats his brothers latent psychic powers as... kind of a concern, but ultimately about on a par with him developing, like, a shellfish allergy, is hilarious to me. They have so many problems, it’s just low priority! Sorry Sammy. But what really clinched this episode for me was the three second-ish sequence where Sam shoves the dresser free with his mind, Dean gets shot in his vision, and Sam bursts into the room. Brilliance. Someone call the x-men. My heart was in my mouth. BIG minus points however for the extensive heart-to-hearts. It was just too much for me. It went on for so long. 7/10 

This certainly is a show. I see that now. Anyway. Onto season 2!

[thosch3i]

Zeng Shunxi’s Goodbye Post to Wu Xie and Ultimate Note [ENG TRANSLATION]

Zeng Shunxi posted on Weibo last night saying goodbye to his character, with a video (of his time during filming, no actual talking IIRC) that you can watch here. Translation below the cut.

Hello, Wu Xie. I remember this was the first line I said to myself when I got the "Ultimate Note" script.

As actors, we will wander between different characters, meeting and saying goodbye again and again. This time, I was fortunate enough to meet--Wu Xie.

On that day, May 9, 2019, the section of this journey that belonged to me and Wu Xie began.

As for the Wu Xie in my mind at this stage, he is kind, cute, stubborn, a little childish, but very loyal. He innocent and pure (1), tianzhen Wu Xie (2). His experiences--from the very beginning, he was forced to walk into this period of his life--let me understand more deeply the fate that he is burdened with and his confusion. This story is the beginning of Wu Xie's turning point in life. At that time, he was inexperienced, ignorant, a little flippant, had his own principles, and was unaware of the huge changes soon to come in his life. On his journey to find the "Ultimate", he gradually discovered secrets, saw through people's hearts, and watched with his own eyes his former companions reaching different bitter ends, while remaining utterly powerless to save them. As a result, he gradually matured and transformed from a "pure and refined young man, like a fragile lotus flower breaking the water's surface (3)", grew to understand the "mandate of heaven", shouldered heavy responsibilities, and finally put on a mask, bidding farewell to his innocence (4), and moving towards becoming an evil emperor (5).

The predestined bonds between individuals are truly marvelous; similar people will always attract each other. During [Wu Xie's] journey, he met his two most important friends in this life; he was no longer alone on his journey to explore dangers and unveil mysteries.

Zhang Qiling, Wu Xie's most important Xiaoge, is likely closer than his family. In this world, everyone has someone in their heart who they want to protect. Where Xiaoge came from and where he will go, perhaps we will never know, but Wu Xie very firmly knows in his heart that he wants to give Xiaoge a "home". Even if he falls into darkness, they must hold hands and move forward. Xiaoge, thank you for the countless times you have pulled Wu Xie out of danger, and thank you for always guarding Wu Xie and standing by his side. How lucky, because of you (6).

Wang Pangzi--we call him Pang-ge in private--handles the atmosphere of the Iron Triangle. It is because of him that this journey has had so much laughter. He loves money, but he attaches more importance to love and friendship. Though he normally doesn't behave properly or have good manners, he was the first to see Wu Xie's simple and pure heart, calling him "Tianzhen" and saying that he "really is innocent and pure". Pang-ge is definitely the best choice for Wu Xie's sworn friend through life and death. Pang-ge, thank you for your unfailing companionship. Furthermore, thank you to the Iron Triangle for meeting and protecting each other.

The 36 episodes of "Ultimate Note" are composed of four books: "Snake Marsh Ghost City", "Yin Mountains Ancient Building", "Qionglong Stone Shadows (7)" and "Mysterious Sea Homecoming". Xishuangbanna, Qujing, Tulin, Yinchuan, Wuxi, Hengdian...we traversed the mysterious sea of a rainforest and the Gobi Desert. We walked a long path, up the mountain and into the sea, to explore the mysteries of the past. From under the ocean-like tree canopies in May to the scorching sun in August, we have filmed through the most sweltering weather of the year. As for Wu Xie--Seven Star Lu Palace, Xisha Undersea Tomb, Qinling, Heavenly Palace in The Clouds, the desert and Snake Marsh, the Nation of the Queen Mother of the West, Zhang Family Ancient Mansion, Banai's Siguniang Mountain...for the sake of his friends and the truth, what he has experienced is still beyond what I can reach.

This was a journey of 103 days and nights with 546 personnel. Thanks to iQIYI, thanks to Linghe Culture (8), thanks to producer Yingzi-jie and the team, thanks to producer Bai Yicong-laoshi, thanks to the three directors, thanks to every diligent staff member working behind the scenes. Everyone has worked ardently and with devotion to their own roles, personally dedicating their time and sincerity to turn this brilliant story from a dream into reality. Also thanks to every actor in the show and their sincere work; only because of all of you, "Ultimate Note" can have its perfect ending today.

Xiao San-ye, I have to bid farewell to you now; I am grateful for your company. Xiao San-ye, I hope you will ultimately bring Xiaoge home, as you wish. Life is a vast, perplexing ocean; don't forget your innocence [tianzhen].

Xiaoge, the mountains never change, and the rivers continue flowing (9).

Goodbye, Tianzhen.

------

Notes:

(1) idiom, 天真无邪/tianzhen (innocent) wuxie (lit. "without evil" aka pure)

(2) 天真吴邪: a pun on Wu Xie's name, since his surname 吴 sounds the same as 无 (without)

(3) involves idiom 出水芙蓉 (lit. lotus flower breaking water's surface), often used to describe beautiful works of art or beautiful young women. Pangzi says that quoted part about Wu Xie in Zang Hai Hua chapter 22.

(4) 天真/tianzhen

(5) 邪帝/xie-di: the 邪 is from Wu Xie's name and literally means "evil", and Sha Hai Wu Xie has often been referred to as 邪帝, in contrast with the early main story "tianzhen Wu Xie".

(6) 多幸运，因为你: a line from Wu Xie's character song in Ultimate Note that's sung by Zeng Shunxi. Links to watch the official MV can be found here.

(7) Translations of the book titles are hard. Could not figure out what Qionglong meant, but someone on Baidu Knows said it referred to the cave with Miluotuo where the Iron Triangle was trapped.

(8) Media company name

(9) Supposedly a line from a poem called "Departure (离别)". The full line AFAIK is "The mountains never change, the rivers continue flowing, we will meet again some day." (青山不改，绿水长流，后会有期。)

[cloudyskywars]

The Magnus Archives, Season 2

Hello again. I’ve now finished listening to Season 2 of TMA and have lost my mind. @reese-haleth can confirm. After Season 1 I wrote my “statement” regarding my thoughts on the season. I’ve done it again, even though no one asked lol. Listen, I just love this podcast a lot, okay? Enjoy my 2,000 word report on Season 2 of The Magnus Archives. 

Statement below the cut.

Continued statement of CloudySkyWars and her experiences listening to the second season of The Magnus Archives. Statement originally given 28th April, 2021. 

I… don’t really know where to begin. It has now been a full day since I finished Season 2, and I still don’t quite know what to think. So many things were revealed in the season finale, and throughout the season in general. I don’t quite know what to do with all the new information I have now. In rereading my previous statement, I was right to be nervous for Jon. I didn’t think it was possible, but his situation got worse.

Let’s start with an easier- well, not easier- but more approachable topic I suppose? Sasha is gone. I think I’ve known that from the end of last season, when her voice changed abruptly and no one seemed to notice. Her scream as she was eaten, or taken, or whatever it was, was terrible. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected her to come back from something like that. Still, it hurts me to know that she’s truly gone. 

We now know more about the being that took Sasha. I’m still not sure what it is called exactly, but for now I shall refer to it as the Not Being. It has apparently been around for ages; hundreds, possibly thousands of years. As it said itself, it wears the person that it chooses as its victim. It transforms into them, for lack of better word, except it changes its appearance, yet somehow tricks everyone into believing that that is how the person has always appeared. Well, almost everyone. It is odd how there always appear to be one or two people that the being cannot fool. In the case of Graham, it was his neighbor across the street. In the case of Sasha, it was Melanie, the ghost hunter. As Gerturde Robinson said, it is strange that a being that has the power to assume someone’s identity and change pictures and hundreds of people’s memories somehow misses just a few people that remember who the person was at first. I do not know for sure, but perhaps those that it cannot fool are somehow protected by another one of the Beings. 

That’s another difficult topic. The Beings. I don’t know exactly what to call them yet. Jon has slowly been putting the pieces together, and with the statement of the now late Jurgen Leitner, the pieces form an almost complete puzzle. From my understanding, there are 10 Beings so far that we are aware of at this time.

Here is my understanding of the Beings so far. I don’t know how correct any of this is, but I know I still have much to learn.

Being 1: Darkness. The form of darkness incarnate, responsible for the founding of the cult The People’s Church of the Divine Host. It can dim lights, and also affect the water when it is near. The head of the cult in the 1990s was one Maxwell Reiner. 

Being 2: Michael, aka The Spiral. It lies. This Being appears to be a master of deception and trickery, and has no regard to others except to watch them in its tortured games. I will discuss Michael further, but right now we know the appearance it chooses to take at this time: a tall man with curly blonde hair and bulbous, swollen hands. 

Being 3: Meat. I do not know much about this being at this time. It appears to be vicious, and quite literally thirsts for blood and meat. 

Being 4: Fire. Again, my knowledge on this particular being is limited. I believe it to be closely tied to Agnes Montague, and perhaps be an enemy of the Not.

Being 5: Not. As I stated before, this being takes the identity of its victim and warps it, manipulating almost everyone’s minds to forget the original form of the person ever existed. It always seems to miss a few though. Its one weakness seems to be the wooden table that Jon has now destroyed. Jon was under the impression that the Not got its power from the table, but the opposite was true. The table was binding it, and for a bit it seemed as though the Not had almost unlimited power, taunting Jon in the tunnels. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The Not can trick photos and people’s minds, but appears to be unable to alter voice recordings of the victim as long as it is recorded on magnetic tape. This is how Jon realized that Sasha was indeed Not Sasha, as he found the tapes from Season 1 where her voice was recorded. It also seems to be unable to alter polaroid photos.

Being 6: Abyss. We don’t know much about this one yet, either. It takes the form of some abyss or another, whether it be the sky or the deep blue ocean. I am not ashamed to say that this Being is one of the scariest for me.

Being 7: Giant- I feel this is a poor descriptor for this being, but it is the best I can come up with at the moment. It is exactly as it sounds; a giant. So far we have primarily seen it manifest as a giant hand. Perhaps that would be a better name for it. Hand. 

Being 8: Thin- This is, I fear, not an accurate description of this Being. It is described as being tall and thin, with limbs like knives. Not much is known about him at the moment, however we believe that his “brother” of sorts was the werewolf creature from a previous statement. 

Being 9: The End- The Being of death and disease. I strongly suspect that this is the being responsible for Jane Prentiss, as well as John Amehurst, who has shown up multiple times so far in the series. 

Being 10: Eye, aka the Beholder- This Being is in control of The Magnus Institute, and ‘owns’ all those who work there. The Eye watches people, as its name suggests. It also apparently protects those it owns from the other beings, and the protections are strongest in The Institute itself. 

I hope that the Darkness has mostly gone away, for now. Basira claims that Maxwell Reiner, the head of The People’s Church of the Divine Host, is now dead. Hopefully this means that the Darkness will have less influence over this world for the time being. At least until it can find another host.

And that’s another thing. Basira. We were just introduced to the character this season, and already I am very attached to her. It disappoints me that she has left the police force and will no longer be able to help Jon, but I do not believe we have seen the last of her. Her leaving the police opens the door for her to help Jon more in the future, especially now that he is on the run for murder. I will… discuss that more deeply later. Basira’s introduction also caused us to meet Daisy, who I quite like at the moment, but I feel that will change quickly as she is the one investigating Leitner’s murder and will most likely be leading the manhunt for Jon. For the moment though, she is in my good graces. 

Daisy’s first statement talked about her first encounter with a paranormal experience. It dealt with the coffin from the statement of Joshua Gillespe. The moving company, Breekon and Hope, is not gone. I don’t think it ever will be. I do not yet know which Being they are associated with, if any, but they have caused problems in the past and I have cause to believe they will continue to cause problems in the future.

Now for the difficult part: Jon. He is in quite the predicament right now, and I am scared to see what will happen to him. He is on the run for murder, because Elias Bouchard brutally murdered Jurgen Leitner and has now framed Jon for it. Elias had me fooled. I thought he cared about Jon, about all of them. But he is clearly dedicated to the Eye, and anything that threatens the Beholder and what it watches, holds, and owns- Elias will stop at nothing to protect it. I do not know if Elias is a paranormal being himself or is simply an instrument of the Eye. 

I desperately hope that Jon will be alright. I think, (though I could be wrong), that he will reach out to Basira and ask for her help. Season 2 has developed outside characters more so than Season 1, and I believe it is so that Jon has connections that he can reach out to. With Basira leaving the police force, it opens the possibility that he can go to her for help. The same is true with Melanie. She and Jon have something that could almost be considered a friendship, though most of their conversations end in a verbal sparring match or fight. Nonetheless, Melanie was heading to India, and Jon was aware of that. Perhaps he will go to her for assistance, or maybe he will wise up and realize that Martin actually cares about him and ask him for help. We shall see. 

Gerturde Robinson is another character we have learned more about this season. She is hardly the absent minded old woman we were led to believe she was. In the beginning, Jon complained about her lack of organization in the Archives, but now I think there was a reason for it. She put the pieces together, and was murdered for it. She was trying to separate the pieces, to make it safe for whoever took her place, as well as attempting to fool Elias into thinking she didn’t know what was going on. She failed at that, as he discovered her knowledge and murdered her in the tunnels beneath the Archives. It was also revealed that she was working with Jurgen Leitner.

Leitner has been mentioned since the beginning, though we heard from him for the first and last time in the final two episodes of Season 2. Contrary to my assumptions, he was not making his books evil, simply trying to harness the power they already possessed. I am thankful that he saved Jon from the Not Being, as Jon would have surely died had Leitner not interfered. He is very knowledgeable in paranormal matters, and did his best to explain it to Jon. However he was murdered by Elias before he had a chance to explain all he wished to. Leitner claims that the books are the Beings in their purest form, and I am certain we have not seen the last of the books from Leitner’s extensive library. 

Martin and Tim surely think that Jon murdered Leitner. I hope that Martin at least will continue to have faith in Jon, and that he will possibly find the supplemental tapes that Jon had been recording and realize what was actually happening. Only time will tell, though. 

Another Being that we learned more about this season was Michael. He was first introduced to us by Sasha (the real one), back in season 1. At the time, it was portrayed as either a passive or helpful Being, showing Sasha how to kill the worms that came from the thing once known as Jane Prentiss, but this season has proved that not to be the case. Michael has trapped people multiple times, (notably Helen Richardson), and has since shown more aggression than before. It stabbed Jon, who then proceeded to lie about his wound because he didn’t trust his coworkers. To its credit, in the second to last episode of Season 2, Michael helps Jon get a head start from the Not Being after Jon accidentally sets it free. However it then proceeds to trap Martin and Tim in one of its corridor labyrinths for days in some sort of sick game for its enjoyment, and comments that it may also kill them. Luckily it either failed or changed its mind. Time will tell whether or not the Being that calls itself Michael will be more of a friend or foe. 

I suppose that’s it, really. There are surely many things that I have forgotten, but I have done the best I can to document my thoughts and my knowledge of The Magnus Archives at this time. I don’t know all that is going on, I don’t know how things will be resolved. I don’t even know if the mystery will be fully solved. But I desperately hope that things will be explained, that we will receive answers, and that the mystery will be solved. It has to be. I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s not.

Statement ends. 

[miminiac]

Korrasami had build up, just maybe not one you identified with and that’s okay...

I am tired of the LGBTQ+ community hating on Legend of Korra (LoK) for not being gay enough. The critique that there wasn’t enough build up is (1) not productive at all and (2) honestly, not true. There was build up. It may not be the build up every LGBTQ+ person will like, and it may not relate to the experience of every person’s coming out, but it was there. Korrasami was something the creators had tossed around as soon as Book 1 (not that they necessarily had permission to do anything about it). Take this quote from Bryan Konietzko’s tumblr post after the finale aired:

As we wrote Book 1, before the audience had ever laid eyes on Korra and Asami, it was an idea I would kick around the writers’ room. At first we didn’t give it much weight, not because we think same-sex relationships are a joke, but because we never assumed it was something we would ever get away with depicting on an animated show for a kids network in this day and age, or at least in 2010. (link)

The post also discusses how Makorra was never meant to be endgame after Book 1. Again, the time LoK was airing was at a point where states were passing laws to actively prevent gay marriage (LoK ended in 2014, legalization of same-sex marriage by supreme court ruling wasn’t until 2015––context is important). Did they actively write a romance in Books 1 and 2, no they did not. However, as many creators and writers, they let the characters lead them and they discovered that Korra and Asami were more than just friends. Again, taken from the same post:

The more Korra and Asami’s relationship progressed, the more the idea of a romance between them organically blossomed for us

So what we have with Korra and Asami is not a planned romantic relationship from the very beginning, however, the characters have been leading them there since the beginning, whether they realized it or not. Now, I am a big fan of Barthes’ “Death of the Author”, so I 100% percent think that viewers/readers have the ability to inject their own narratives and that multiple narratives can coexist. However, the point of this post is to explain why a critique of “wish they did more” is not productive when it comes to discussion of LoK of a piece of LGBTQ+ media representation. Therefore, I turn to the creators to show that there was intent and there was subtext and build up within Book 3 and 4 (as Bryan discusses in his post, please read in full when you have time).

A lot of Korrasami was hidden in subtext, and that happened because of homophobia within the industry, which still exists today. Content creators of LGBTQ+ media continue to have to walk a fine line. Take Noelle Stevenson talking about Catradora:

My big fear was that I would show my hand too early and get told very definitively that I was not allowed to do this

And like with Catradora (though a little easier since Noelle told viewers that every character is a part of the LGBTQ+ community by default unless explicitly stated otherwise), people saw Korrasami from as early as Book 2 (if not Book 1 on a rewatch).

At the time LoK started airing, I still thought I was straight; I still thought I was straight when I was watching the third season and telling my then boyfriend how Korra and Asami were going to be a couple by the end (literally, when they interacted in the first episode of season 3 while Asami taught Korra how to drive, I turned to him and said it; he said they would never do that and it was a pipe dream). I continued to see Korrasami’s friendship build into something romantic (even if the characters themselves were unaware of it).  

Come Season 3 Episode 9, where Asami carries away a helpless Korra, mimicking Katara having carried away a helpless Aang. For those who had watched the original series and were big Korrasami shippers, this scene basically made it canon. It could be argued as the point that maybe the friendship switched to something more romantic. The rest of season 3 and all of season 4 only added moments between these two (side note: I came out as bisexual soon after season 4 started airing, though I had been questioning my sexuality probably since the end of season 3).

Now is the Korrasami relationship perfect, absolutely not. Bryke admits as much, but it was a significant step forward. Again, this happened in 2014, so a lot of narrative within media of states passing laws to discriminate against same-sex couples and deny marriage. The hand-holding scene everyone screams about not being enough. Well, they received plenty of homophobic backlash from that.

The critique that they didn’t do enough is not productive. It is a critique that could be said about most main-stream LGBTQ+ media. I get that we are tired of scraps; I get that we are tired of having to read between the lines because creators are still afraid to come out and say it (pun intended). However, to critique LoK as “not being gay enough” ignores the context in which it was created and what that representation meant to many of the viewers (like myself) who were discovering themselves and their sexuality at the time.

Avatar: the Last Airbender (ATLA) was made for 8-13 year olds (from season 1), and I would argue that LoK was made for that same group of people, who would have then been 14-19 years old when LoK first aired. Thus, LoK was being watched by those entering high school and college––a time of self-discovery.

Additionally, a critique that LoK doesn’t do enough leads to an idea that there is “a right way” to create a LGBTQ+ relationship, which I would argue is harmful to the community at large. If you did not identify with Korra’s coming out, that’s completely valid. If you did not identify with the way the Korrasami relationship progressed, that is also valid. But you cannot invalidate the relationship of Korrasami, as a relationship built off a friendship and mutual respect that blossomed by into something more. The relationship was not sexualized with wistful glances and blatant sexual tension, instead, it was built on a friendship and respect for boundaries.

Again, multiple narratives can be drawn given each viewer has a unique set of experiences. One such reading could show that Asami was more in tune with her feelings for Korra than Korra was about her feelings for Asami. And, instead of flirting non-stop with Korra, Asami respects Korra’s space (though we all saw her check out Korra’s back muscles) and recognizes that Korra has a lot on her plate being the avatar, a relationship is not something on the forefront of her mind. It is only after defeating Kuvira (and the healing/growth from a few episodes prior in "Beyond the Wilds”) that Korra is able to truly understand her feelings to Asami, suggesting they take a trip together––just the two of them.

Now, you may not identify with that type of coming out, but other people do. And to argue that “LoK didn’t make Korrasami explicit enough” undermines the experiences of those in the LGBTQ+ who heavily identified with Korra’s experiences and her coming out.

Holding LGBTQ+ media to this higher standard is inherently toxic. I would like to believe that these creators are coming from a good place with good intentions. There is nothing toxic or abusive in the way Korrasami is portrayed. There is nothing unrealistic about the way their relationship progressed throughout the series. It was not a fan service––it was the natural progression of the characters.

And let’s not forget that Korrasami is not only confirming a relationship between two women, but it is also two women of color. Now, it may not seem like a huge deal within the contexts of the Avatar World, but it is important to remember the context of where this show was airing.

There are things we can critique LoK on. It isn’t perfect. We can discuss the hiring of white voice actors (as a way to hold new media that is being created or will be created accountable, not as a way to just hate on LoK); we can discuss the voices within the writers room and the lack of diversity there. These are critiques that can be made of ATLA and LoK and countless of other media produced. This is a valid critique when used constructively. It is not meant to tear down an entire piece of media and everything that it has done for various communities, but rather to point to a flaw within the way media is being produced and the racist, sexist, and homophobic systems in place that determine what and how media is produced.

If we are to critique, we could look to reimagining how we create and consume media, not tearing down media that has already been produced and stands in a pivotal spot of the community. As Audre Lorde says:

For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house.

If we are continually operating within the systems of oppression, we will never truly be able to dismantle them. Thus, to operate within the institutions of Nickelodeon, Netflix, Disney, etc. is to be beholden to the rules and constraints of a moderate, heteronormative, sexist, racist society. If creators stray too far from that line too quickly, there will be backlash. The perfect LGBTQ+ representation cannot exist while made within these institutions.

I would like to mention this statement is not to say that we cannot critique or boycott movies or shows that are performative in their diversity. There is no excuse for Hollywood after the successes of Black Panther (2018) and Crazy Rich Asians (2018) (and others) to not fill the crew and writers with the same representation being shown on the screen. We can, and should, hold production companies accountable––and given the internet, it is something we can do even early on in the production process.

I have gotten a little off track, but my point is, think about your critiques. Really ask yourself if it is a productive critique, or if it is critique that actually harms or is toxic to the community. Critiques are hard, I understand that. When we first start to think critically, it is easy to just jump on these “low hanging fruit” type critiques. It takes practice and comfortability learning and expanding your world view to construct a critique that looks at context from various point of views and experiences.

[nasir-simp]

Azula’s Trauma

Okay, so I know that she was born psychotic (says so in the comics) but she still went through a lot of trauma that made it worse.  So here’s me listing the reasons why she went off the rails. 

Azula’s odds were never in her favor since she was born. She loved fire bending as a kid and would rather use a sword than play with a doll. It’s very to understand what she’s thinking and her emotions if you just payed attention. In some cases you could say she that she’s more on one side of the spectrum than others. She’s not very empathetic to begin with but she never knew better. No one really taught her how or that what she was doing was wrong. 

1. She was already at a disadvantage seeing as Zuko’s older than her. That too, she was also a girl. But doors opened for her when Ozai realized how gifted of a fire bender she was. Also remember, Zuko didn’t know that he was born with the gift of fire bending. 

This was the beginning of his envy towards Azula. She got his father’s love so easily while he had to try so hard to even get a shred of his recognition. This caused him to start distancing himself from Azula. Being Ozai’s prodigy wasn’t easy on her. Her mother probably thought of her as a monster to some extent. (Yes she loved her but that thought was always at the back of her mind.) 

It also didn’t help that whenever Zuko cried her mother automatically assumed that Azula had something to do with it. Her mother should understand that it’s normal for siblings to make the other cry even if it’s their fault. It’s just normal sibling rivalry. This probably led to Azula resenting her own mother. Even with this newfound resentment towards her, she was still a child that wished for her mother’s love. Or for her mother to even glance at her the way she does Zuko. Because of this she tried to find parental love another way, through Ozai. 

2. Being brought up by Ozai is much different than being raised by Ursa. He probably thought Azula battle strategies instead of reading bedtime stories. He probably taught her that mercy was for the weak, an example of that would be Iroh. Before she even met him, she already had a bad impression of him. The impression only went downhill when he sent her and Zuko gifts. Zuko got a blade while she got a doll. 

Ozai must have told Iroh something about her, because if he knew her he would have known that would want a blade as well. It would make more sense for Azula to receive the blade, the girl who trains 24/7, rather than the boy who feeds turtle ducks in his free time instead of practicing. It was at the moment that Azula thought that no one really understood her but her dad, Ozai. But even he didn’t understand her, he just only saw of her as a child soldier. 

All he ever id was encourage her ruthlessness towards other and to disconnect from other’s emotions to avoid being ‘weak’. It must of felt so good to finally be favored over Zuko. Ozai favored her while Iroh and Ursa favored him. The maids and servants probably had more of a liking towards Zuko since she never treated them as well as Zuko. But REMEMBER, Ozai taught her that kindness was a weakness not a virtue. Azula got hooked on the approval that comes with impressing Ozai which caused her to train harder and be better than Zuko. 

This isn't how a child should be raised though, they should know the they are loved no matter how talented or talentless they are. You have to remember, she is still a child!

3.  But, she had two friends that helped her gain the normalcy of childhood, Mai and Ty Lee. They were her best friends, she felt as if she could genuinely enjoy life instead of being trained like a soldier that's going to be shipped off for war. When Mai had a crush on Zuko all of Azula's insecurities probably entered her again. Afraid that Mai would soon favor him more and soon only hang out with him. The only thing that helped her feel grounded was the fact that Mai was shy and that it was highly unlikely that she would ever act on those feelings. She would still be on her side like always, or so she thought. 

4. Now we'll talk about the Agni kai between Zuko and her father. Outwardly she seemed happy that Zuko was going to be banished and let's be honest, she probably was. But there's a chance that she knew he was still her brother and hoped that he wouldn't kneel in front of Ozai knowing that would just make him an embarrassment. With Zuko kneeling, she lost all of the little respect that she had for him because you're not supposed to show mercy to your opponents no matter what. Whomever it may be. Even with this lost of respect she must have felt happy knowing that with his banishment, there would be no competition for Ozai's attention. And with him, the uncle who knew nothing about her also left. 

The years following Zuko's abandonment led Azula to perfect her fire bending and become a master. That too, also gaining a neverbefore seen fire color, blue. There's not much to say about this time since we don't know that much. Continuing on, when Zuko came back and joined the trio including Mai and Ty Lee, she probably felt the happiest she's ever been in a very long time. When it came down to the decision between Azula or her uncle, Azula must have felt fantastic to have someone favor her, even if it was just Zuko. To be someone's first choice, the words are indescribable. 

During the beach episode we see a new side of Azula. We see her realize how different she is from everyone else. She desperately tries to fit in but it wasn't what she was trained to do. she must have been isolated from kids her own age besides Ty Lee and Mai during her childhood with Ozai. She was trained to conquer cities like Ba Sing Se, capture the avatar, be a master fire bender. This is what's natural for her, not making some boy like her. During the fire pit scene we see Azula open up towards the group saying how her mother thought of her as a monster. They all reacted quite calmly, not really jumping in with words of encouragement to make her feel better. Subconsiously, Azula must have known her friends shared the same thoughts as her mother. But she never really thought they would leave her seeing as they were friends, right? This scene is also where we see Azula show genuine emotion other than ruthlessness and it's directed towards Ty Lee. Ty Lee told the group that she always felt shadowed by her 6 other sisters. You could see the emotion flash through Azula's face. Azula related to Ty Lee on an emotional level because she went through the same thing, but instead it was with Zuko.

5. During the prison break when Azula was trying to stop the avatar from escaping, it probably broke her heart to see Zuko with him. Helping the avatar to escape goes against everything she was taught. But that wasn't what broke her, it was Mai betraying her. Sure she knew that they finally got together after Mai harboring the crush on him for years but she always thought that Mai would stick with her. She thought that Mai liked her and actually thought of her as a friends instead of the monster that everyone paints her to be. 

6. The final crack on her heart though, was Ty Lee. When Ty Lee chi blocked her to let Mai escape, it broke her. Her eyes of pain were evident as she fell. Seeing the two people she trusted most on the other side when she thought they would be beside hers. Ty Lee was the only person who she never had a doubt on. It wasn't even a doubt that Ty Lee's loyalty could even be wavered. She trusted Ty Lee with her life. With the treachery of Ty Lee, Azula knew she was alone in the world. This final betrayal is what caused Azula's mask to crack. That crack let her insanity finally shine through.

7.While training with Lo and Li the only feedback she received from them was that she had a hair out of place. That hair symbolizes her mental health. Throughout the show her hair gradually becomes messier and messier. The messier it is, the more cracked her facade of well being is. The last time we see her on the show is during her Agni kai with Zuko. This is where her hair is the most messy. To quote Remus Lupin,"Finally the flesh reflects the madness within."

8. Even at Azula's worst she still held her own at the Agni kai during Zuko's best. But when she knew she was going to loose, she shot lightning at Katara with Zuko getting in the way just in time but rendering him useless. Once Katara bested Azula by freezing her in water to wrap chains around her arms, we hear Azula schema in defeat. The best way to describe it would be to call it a panic attack. Watching Azula breakdown hurts so much because it's so realistic. Her screams are heart wrenching and it hurts knowing what she went through. And she's only 14, a child! She's just a kid, a kid who went through too much that no one should ever experience. She went through too much for her to ever have hope. She went through too much to ever have the odds in her favor. 

To conclude, Azula is a child who's broken on the inside and out. She's never stood a chance. She may have been born lucky but she wishes that she was never born.