#i wish i could exist in there would but i cant not in this time
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my mother tells me to guard my heart against those who are supposed to love me as i am.
#i've decided i want to go to church and life groups and what not#which is good because its nice to have some community when living in faith#and its what i feel like ive been missing#but theres a reason that i haven't been yo church in so long#they dont want me as me they only want half of me#they dont want the part of me that is in love with a girl or the part of me that loves queer people#or the part of me that loves and believes science and history#the part of me that allows all the things the bible supposedly says is sin to coexist within my life#the part that loves the planet or loves people regardless of “sin”#i do not think like other christians and that makes dwelling among them difficult#so my mother warns me to guard my heart because they will not be kind to me if they knew who i was#but the thing is im not there to be loved by them i am there to seek knowledge and connections with god#i wish i could exist in there would but i cant not in this time#im going because of my faith not because i want to be like them#thoughts#on life#my thoughts#guard your heart#christians#christianity#church#connection#god#faith#on faith#on god#on living#on love#on connection#poetry
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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man. totk couldve been so good
#thinking of the links awakening sequel to alttp post and how games contrast/mirror each other#i cant say totk was super close to it. well maybe it was based on the first trailer but not anymore !#there were moments to be sure (sky island music + the great sky island) but the bulk of it is. Not#it feels less of a sequel to botw and more like a spinoff game. the world is hollow when you see the cracks and the cracks are Everywhere#npcs are wrong the structure is more linear (the great sky island for ex) the replacement of the sheikah with the zonai but it not working#due to the fact that the sheikah are still referenced and its the Same Place where literally all of the events of botw and prior happened#like. it Could In Theory Work but its trying to erase the sheikahs presence entirely which. no!! thats not how that works??#instead of mirroring or parallel and highlighting them Both it tries to scrub one out over the other#the emphasis on a Greater Past- botw focusing on 100 years prior which he and zelda and the champions and. The World have a connection to#vs totk doing more than 10000 years prior which would Seem better at first glance but it informs nothing about hyrule and nothing meaningfu#l was lost. its just a set piece to show rauru and sonias conflict with ganondorf#theres no. Connections. like it doesnt matter to ganondorf hes just oOoOoo evil and it somehow doesnt affect his goals or motives#the sky islands cant imply any context because there Is no context theyre just scattered ruins with no significance#rauru laments about the constructs but Thats It. everything is just there to be cool#especially the old temple of time/the temple of time in the sky. Why does that exist at all#its like. i wish any of this stuff was important At All but you can tell its not.#sorry for the hater post i just think its neat how botw informs totk and how totk ended up Like That. How.
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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i WAS gonna complain about horror being a skeleton and therefore never able to do the akanbe face but then i remembered. i'm an artist!! i can just DRAW him doing it 😇😇😇 ok but he doesn't have eyelids iKNOW ill figure it out ok
#im going on a short vacation that means prime time to slack off and mtthink#and i have some drawing ideas froM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO that i never drew because i had no motivation or even time#so now i can do it :3333 lets (me) see if i still even like the ideas#and i have Saturday and sunday and mondayOFFschool and then i leave on wednesday morning ヽ(≧∀≦)ﾉ#and that gives me prime time to draw draw DRAW#and theres like 20 days left of October i really should get to work on that animation meme#i WILL trust i swear#if not i kill myself#jk! (fashion au?)#ive been using kaomojis now. jk killer would too#ヽ(≧∀≦)ﾉ#me taking like a whole week on a shitty hrkl little writing thing when it was leagues easier to just describe my idea#i REALLY had a vision and then i was reminded that writing is boring and that a vision expressed through words cant keep my attention#anyways i finished another little dust doodle of a song that reminded me of him#now it is time to actually get my life together and shower and brush teeth#the only homework ive got is reading a few pages#i have been ON TOP OF MY HOMEWORK since school started bro😭😭😭😭 ive been SUCH a good student 😭😭😭😭#so much free time at home and yet none of it is spent on doing anything but laying down and lazing about#come on! come on! you need to get up! use your brain! PLEASE TRIGLYVERUVLE PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTSINMENT#forcing myself to do something i find fun when i have no motivation to get up is so annoying#iWANT to draw iWANT to think i WANT to write (eh) but i just nonono feel like it (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)#tricule rant#actually today i found another song that could fit horror but i just glanced at the lyrics#if i aint mtt pondering at the very least ill be connecting them to songs#new art project is gonna have HINTS of mtt in it. not really but if im aware of them then they exist#i love art class i love learning about art principles i just wish i could apply that shit to my work#well DIGITAL work. doing stuff traditionally always feels so much easier
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#really randomly fell down a weird rabbit hole today#i was watching the X-Files and finally felt like reading up on david duchovny#like i see u fellow slav what kind of slav are you#so i opened up his wikipedia article and saw that his dad was jewish and from ukraine and went like AHA WE ARE THE SAME#and just out of curiosity looked up the place he's from because im curious about jewish shtetls in the ukraine#because my whole family except my biological father is from several of them and i thought hey maybe they were neighbors#which they fucking are omg theyre just 20km apart#my greatgreatgrandma is from makhnivka which i even found articles and history about and how the jewish population grew & declined#even though i did not find any steinbergs in the archives#anyway when i read up on Berdychiv where duchovnys family is from it said#early settlement by the Chernyakhov Culture#which was an archeological culture between 200 and 500 CE existing at the same time as the roman empire#....... is this how i finally find out where my name is from??????? like?????????#i wish i knew so much more than i do#like i only found out that im not russian i was just born in russia like 7 years ago or so??? because my mom never tells me anything#all the information about my great great grandparents and where theyre from is from my grandma#and her dementia is really bad now and shes just angry and screams and calls people names#my russian is too bad to properly read up on stuff like that and theres barely anything in english or german#i just want to know idk#but genetic testing is too expensive and also very america centric and the only family i have in the us is super conservative#i had to block them on facebook when my grandma made me write to them once over 10 years agl#and i know a huge chunk of my grandmas family moved to israel too so i dont want anything to do with that either#although id be curious if it would actually find my half siblings i found out about also like 8 years ago#i just wish there were more archives and more people i could talk to about this#on my grandfathers side theres nothing really left#my grandfather passed suddenly and apparently before he did he took ALL THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND DOCUMENTS somewhere to maybe digitalise them#but we dont know where so theyre literally gone for ever#but his whole family was from kiev and is apparently named after this culture era#his dad was a higher up at a sugar factory and i still cant find anything#my grandma had so many cousins and they were so interconnected and knew so much and i literally just have my mom and no one else
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Not being good at art is the most frustrating thing in the world
#im such an imaginative person#i have ideas for characters and creatures and landscapes and animations#but no matter how vividly i visualise them my hands cannot replicate it#and the fact that it would take years of practice to draw something i can picture right now pisses me off so much#all of these amazing ideas only exist in my head and not being able to have a proper visual of them makes me so angry#i know art takes a lot of time and effort and practice#but its so so so so frustrating in a way that i cant totally put into words#im willing to put the effort in#but it really frustrates me that i could practice for weeks and see only a tiny bit of progress#i think this is why i struggle to learn new skills#my brain knows the theory but it doesn't know how to put that in to practice#i know how to do it but at the same time i cant#god i hate this#i wish id gotten into art when i was young like my parents and sister#their so incredibly talented and i know it took a lot of work for all of them to be that talented#im a good writer but its so frustrating that i cant have a visual representation of my characters and creatures and world#in a way that satisfies me#anyway thats my rant about art sorry#edit: nearly started crying trying to draw a simple face shape so thats fun
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#everyone gets sick of me eventually#wish i could be a person people could love all the time#instead im too much for people#i bother people too much#wish i could disappear#i hate everything about myself#i hate when my therapist asks whats one thing i like about myself and i literally cant answer#i wish i could stop wanting to be loved#its a flaw of human nature that shouldnt exist would make things easier
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I SHOULD HAVE GONE INTO RADIOOOOOOOO
#the only benefit of art school is MY FRIENDS!!! maybe i would be better at art now if i hadnt gone bc i could have kept it as a hobby...#but i do love everything i have learned. i really do. unfortunately i think more than anything i am just bad at existing and doing things#i used to be able to do things. in high school. existing i still wasnt good at doing that there either. but at least i did things on my own#and at the time felt i was good at them. now im just bad at existing and doing things and do nothing worthwhile that i love anymore#oh it sucks to have this realization every other day. to just know you are very bad at what you wanted to do so badly. and just feel like#all you can do is give up on it. i know i shouldnt. but it's very hard not to want to. when you see everyone else around you getting better#and still doing art on their own time. and you see your own stuff and realize you have gotten worse. dont progress. and cant even do it as#hobby anymore. when you see how far behind you are from everyone else and see how your work has lost confidence it just sucks badly. yknow#i wish my brain worked better desperately bc i do think that is part of it. but im just lazy. and bad at this. and have no drive for anythi#im not very good at any of this overall. and it makes me sad. im the only thing in my way of what i want but i dont know how to move forwar#oh well. one day something better will come my way if im lucky. if i do better. one day i'll do better. i hope. i really really hope.#static.soundz#vent.txt#SORRY i got whiney and self pitying in my tags even though i said i wouldnt well unfortunately I Am Not Strong and need to make posts#bc this is my diary where i say everything ever good and bad beneficial and detrimental bc what else should i be doing with this blog huh
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Baby truly does so much for us she can tell when i am getting away even when im just laying here. Shit has been such a mess internally since that bcame fresh & parts that never, ever, ever should have came back seriously did. The uterus is an intruding unwelcome organ & brains are useless - "oh hey, you know that memory you tried to off yourself over less than 24hrs after seeing it? Wanna see the next moment of it? No? Too bad" i wish it could go back in the box. I dont understand why it has to come forwards when i least need it.
#i hate this feeling - filthy & disgusting in every way#i cant get away from it when im on my own. i cant get it to subside or lessen#it intrudes where it shouldnt be & it is hard even with old ways to keep contained#i wish it were so simple. i cant even find the words to bitch about it#would that i never developed breasts except their absence was not enough to keep that attention away either#if it were only that i had no body at all#nothing to look at or touch. then i could be okay#thats the only way i could be okay.#as it is existing was enough to do me in & whatever the reason really was i dont care anymore#i wish i had really lost it then. i wish id have made myself terrible & evil & i wish id have done it#even before he did anything. vividly the sensations repeat#new ones. i didnt know there was a rest of that time. i thought it ended#i thought he went that far & then everyone laughed while i ran out#there was a gap between & i dont like whats inside
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ok, i havent been as freaked out as others, and have been a firm believer in what the 2 years of planned content meant (that 2 years was, well, all that was initially planned, and that doesnt mean the game would just be abandoned afterwards. they would just venture into territory beyond initial planning) ive been very firm and weirdly hopeful in my belief that there Will be more. regardless ive just realized, are we not still currently within the realm of the "two years of planned content" for splatoon 3...? i get that sizzle season trailer was really late but now im like hey man. havent even hit year 2 yet, its ok guys. next season however i suppose would be the time to worry, as that will officially mark the two year anniversary. that, and some of the catalog items (a title set "thank you for" and "playing") and the final image in the catalog feeling very much send off-y, big adjustments to a ton of maps ... it cant help but feel like its gearing up to an end -.- blehh ... the finite lifespan of an online game. i think essentially i wanted to say ive always had faith that 2 years wouldnt be the end but now i am Actually scared. i dont WANT the new switch i dont want splatoon 4 i dont want a final fest to happen any time soon. grrrr ......... new consoles .......
#i would be fine if catalogs as they are halted and there could be more time to breathe before a final fest of any sort RAHHHH#it is hard because this game is still very fresh. and has a lot of room to continue to be active and. well. updated#it just all depends on if nintendo sees this as a worthwhile endeavor + STUPID NEW CONSOLE COMING OUT IN THE NEAR FUTURE#i wish the actual people who work on these games could live comfortably and develop this game at like. a nice and healthy pace. lol#all i wish.....#everyyyything goes by so fast. and with this its just like well ! profit profit profit. its not really about if allister from tumblr thinks#2 years has barely been any time at all for a game to exist#IM GONNA BE SOOOO MAD IF THAT JELLYFISH AT THE END OF SIZZLE SEASON TRAILER MEANS AN IDOL GROUP FEST IS COMING#my personal idea was it was just for a concert. BUT IF A CONCERT WITH ALL THREE GROUPS HAPPENS ... THAT PROBABLY MEANS AN ENDING. lol#not like all this means splatoon 3 Cant be played after its officially not being supported anymore. duh. its looking like it will be nicely#set up for an enjoyable ''endgame'' with map tuning and all that. i just hate when things end. AND I DONT. WANT. A NEW CONSOLE#i like how when you think about something for a long time youre like yes yes ... understanding .... yes yes ... and then i go to type it ou#and its like wohoah hey this looks like way more of a big ramble than my articulate and eloquent thinkings .... hmmmm
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Solas says I know a place and takes you to the middle of a swamp where he insults your culture, religious beliefs, and then dumps you.
#yeah im still thinking about this and its the next day#he might be telling the truth about the Vallaslin but my inquisitor did not let him remove it#I’ve played her as very proud to be dalish and believes in elven gods so it would be out of character even if solas says something else#maybe that’s what it represented then but it is not what it is now and she chooses to move forward#about the breakup … this is not the first time a man takes me on a date and dumps me 😭😭 but hey um wtf#honestly my lavellan does love him and is hurt but she has to be so many things to so many different people#there’s bigger things at stake and bigger problem to deal with at this time than whatever he's hiding or lying about#im pretty sure he was going to say something else not about the vallaslin#but his fear is dying alone becasue i saw it in the fade and yet !!!! he pushes everyone away he picks fights with everyone no matter whos#in the party he didnt come to the wicked grace game he never opens up beyond what he has seen in the fade. he is a fixed point#i wanna shake him by the shoulders and YELL WHATA RE YOU DOING you could have it all someone who loves you and a wonderf#a wonderful found family. he is kind and gentle but he is also so full of ANGER and he is so set on things being as he sees them.#Cole cant change because to Solas cole is always a spirit. the dalish are misguided and YOU Lavellan are just different YOURE special#the meaning of the vallaslin cant change because to him it represents slavery and it is in stone to him. things dont change with time they#are fixed. like things in the fade it what it was preserved. he is trying to hold on to a past that doesnt exist that has moved forward.#Solas says you cant change yourself by wishing. but i would say wishing for change is THE required prerequisite for change. a little though#a little idea a little wish that something was different better. but to#why cant you move forward Solas what the fuck are you holding onto so intesely#OKAY WHATEVER IM DONE WITH THIS ESSAY IM OVER IT ITS FINE ITS SO FINE
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ya boy might have narcolepsy
#how i discovered this: talking about how i wished there existed a fitbit that could electrically shock you every time you start to nod off#what i meant: this would help keep me from falling asleep while driving and at work and when writing and drawing and reading and-#what i discovered: Thats Not Fucking Normal#what i thought: 'i cant have narcolepsy cus im not passing out randomly. i know why im passing out its cus i just have no brain stimulation#what research says: narcolepsy is more common in people with adhd#[clown emoji]
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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse
#marquilla#im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's#gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a#dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you#incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and#theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future#and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to#be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff#bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist#s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with#the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit#like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and#that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man#i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully#but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL#affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.
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im just gonna say this now and once. I am afraid for the lives of my friends and family. I just want you all to know that those posts saying "watch your zionist followers closely" and "question all zionists" is not conducive to any situation, and translates into the real world as hate crimes. Whether you are so called "well intentioned" or not, this is terror. Nothing, not loss of life or torture or anything is justifiable for any reason.. yet alot of you seem to have lost the plot. There are people suffering the worst things one can go through in life, and your solution is to berate jews and zionists? Do you genuinely think this will help anyone? I am exhausted from seeing nothing but hate towards jews. So please, do me a favor and block me if you dont see a problem with how the world is currently treating jews. Because then i will know definitively who i need to fight in the streets when it finally comes time for you to take your intense hatred and ignorance into the real world.
#do not come in here with whataboutisms#because i am not here to debate#you dont want to debate either#you just want jews to stop existing in one form or another#so why would i take time to educate you when you could have done that yourself?#also btw your support for palestine isnt helping the people there one bit since theyre still locked in a conflict that is egged on and made#more intense by YOU. the people overseas with no stakes in anything whatsoever#i wish nothing but peace and blessings for everyone suffering right now. this is a heartwrenching tragedy for everyone#also i didnt want to make this post at all because it just isnt needed on an aesthetic page but i cant stay silent when ppl i know and love#are fearing for their lives
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Someone told me that he 'like hanging around with me' and he 'love my smile' today
#years after my birth im finally finding out the genuine joy of making friends#also relief. ive got so used for my mere existence to be an annoyance to other people as a child so its so important to me when people say#they like to have me around#had to turn down a very big socialization opportunity bc i was hungry and i couldnt come with him - will try to make up for it next time#what he said was totally platonic btw hes gay and im not a man#he also told me 'when i first met you i thought you were trans' and the urge i felt to come out to him and say 'YES ACTUALLY (but also here#the nuances:') but it came out of nowhere and there were bystanders so i didnt want to risk it and just. 'honestly im not sure' was the bes#half-truth half-lie i could muster#but hey he made me comfortable with coming out to him so one day perhaps#gosh i wish im not going to mess up this newly forming friendship (?) with my little to non-existent social skills#man also has the same dumb humor as me. i have to find a way to keep him around#my mom would burst into tears if she knew how much i smile talk and am open around him. not my fault he is a person whom you naturally feel#safe around#normally people ask me if im 'angry/pissed/annoyed/sad' because i have a resting bitch face and dont talk much to anyone#the surprise people must feel once they get to know me better.. granted i cant name any but whatever lol
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