#i wish i can literally just die for one whole month and get resurrected the next

[cigaretteparfum]

fucking insane the way i ended up just filtering the word rmdn entirely. like am here being like "haha religious trauma what religious trauma" then this damned 29 days come around once a year and i fucking dissociate for a good minute each time any mention of it come across me ungodly eyes and ears.

[clownprince]

finally reading the metal/death metal arcs and related stuff and the timeline is just so insane. like. first batman chooses his family over joker, rejecting him and breaking his shriveled black heart. joker's reaction to this is to kill batman and destroy gotham, as one does. then they both make the executive decision to commit homoerotic murder-suicide. but they're resurrected with dionesium. joker in his new persona all pleads with batman not to go back to the way things were.

batman, now re-batmanified, captures joker, locks him in the batcave for several months, extracts the dionesium from his body, re-jokerfying him (???). bruce proposes to selina, presumably at the same time he has joker imprisoned in the cave. then despite joker all but begging him not to, batman effectively breaks the multiverse and opens the door for barbatos, the batman who laughs, and a whole other host of cosmic horrors. nice one, bruce! joker later teams up with batman to fight tbwl even though, again, this entire mess is very much bruce's own fault and joker was actively trying to prevent all of it! even though bruce Locked Him In A Cave. For Several Months. and broke his heart and literally killed him...

and joker's later reaction to all of this unfolding is to team up with lex luthor who's trying to take control of the multiverse because ofc he is. however joker fully intends to backstab lex the second he gets close to succeeding, and then to murder the entire legion of doom and show off their bodies to batman. but this plan is derailed because luthor is working with the batman who laughs who joker DESPISES.

then when tbwl resurfaces to target batman, joker shoots himself in the heart to infect batman so he can fight tbwl. bruce holds his dying body so very tenderly in his arms and then has alfred perform open heart surgery on him, refusing to let joker actually die even though alfred is basically begging him to do so. then joker escapes but comes back to wish batman good luck in fighting tbwl. batman asks joker to kill him if he becomes like tbwl. joker agrees and ends up keeping his promise and shooting batman (who ends up fine ofc because y'know, comics).

then like a year-ish later everything with their dark designs and joker war goes down. and some time during this the whole batcat marriage and best man arc takes place (not sure exactly when, the timeline makes my head hurt). like... how am I supposed to be normal about any of this.

[moonglowmagic]

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Watching as he pushed the pancake around with his fork and didn’t eat it cause her to frown. “Do you want something else? We can go somewhere else or we can get you something you’ll actually eat.” She tried to offer in the hopes it wouldn’t just be her eating this morning, that he’d actually eat too. “Was it really? Because the smarter investment would have been to buy us both a seat so we could have got out together. Not just one of us.” She pointed out as she leaned back against the booth seat. “Have you met me?” She asked with a soft laugh. “Property damage is also kinda my MO.” She reminded him, it was clearly easy to forget that she’d almost burnt down the inn on New Years.

At his words she looked down and couldn’t bring herself to say out loud the fact that he wasn’t a resurrected and was whole. While she was now a witch who had to rely on the coven for even her magic. That he was together and calm, everything that she wasn’t and wished she could be. “Royce you’re just the better fit. You’re rational and logical. I’m all emotions and impulsive.” She explained softly as she reached over and took the napkin from the container and started to fuss with it. 

Ripping it into tiny pieces as she made a little mountain at his reaction and she knew that she had fucked up. She didn’t want to repeat herself especially not to him, she was half scared that he would yell at her. Instead she just began to rip apart the paper more quickly, adding to her already growing pile. “I don’t have money like you Royce. I couldn’t just buy my way out of it.” She countered back harshly. “Okay? And I’ll decline her. I mean she didn’t hold up her end of the deal anyways. So what she gives me payback and kills me? I can live with that.” She honestly could. Especially since it would help stop the feeling of pain she was constantly in, reaching up and rubbing her chest where she’d been impaled, but despite everything there wasn’t even a mark to remember it by. Just a phantom scar and phantom ghosts of Kyle and Alyssa hanging around to remind her that she was doing everything wrong. “I wasn’t going to let my brother die. That’s not how I work Royce. It’s all of us or nothing. I’m his literal twin. Can you even imagine the pain I would feel if I lost him?” It would be unimaginable, much like she was sure Linden went through when he lost her. “It was a blanket offer.” Sinking into her seat lower as she finished ripping up the napkin and went to grab another. 

When he asked the million dollar question Poppy stayed silent for a long time. “I use to.” She admitted softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I loved being the supreme and the fact that they chose me. But they have stopped talking to me other than to bitch about how I’m wrong and they made a mistake and I shouldn’t have came back.” She explained, looking down at her hands and she pulled at her rings nervously. She’d been trying to talk about this for months but never knew exactly how to bring it up. “I should have died Royce. I did die.” Figuring the urge to put her hand back to her chest. “I think when I came back that something inside broke.” Continuing on with her voice barely above a whisper, she didn’t want this to be public knowledge that she felt this way. Feeling tears well up in her eyes as she fought them off and she went to climb out of the booth. “I shouldn’t be even discussing this. I’m sorry. I just thought you knew.” She had always just assumed he was tuned into her thoughts like a radio, much like Linden. “I should go. I shouldn’t be burdening you with this. I’m so sorry Royce.” With that she got up and took off out the diner door.

He pressed his fork against the thick pancake, watching with a grimace as the maple syrup oozed out of it. Half fascinated, half grossed out, Royce couldn’t remember a time he had sat in a diner and had pancakes. Sure, he’d sat at a diner for burgers and fries a couple times when he wanted to “seem like one of the people,” but he mostly only ever dined in a place with Michelin stars, or ate the food of the impressive cooks he shelled out hard cash to employ. Had they ever served him a stack of flapjacks drowning in maple syrup? Any deep reflection on American diner breakfast was lost as a voice cut through his thoughts, Royce pausing mid prod of his fork to glance across the table at Poppy Reed with a cocked brow. Carefully sawing out a small piece of pancake with the side of his fork, he speared the piece but made no moves to eat it as he replied rather flippantly. “That’s not having a heart, that’s making a smart investment. If the Catalyst actually played by the rules of her own game, you’d have been set free and likely found a way to get everyone out. One that I hope wouldn’t cause property damage.” Honestly, that hole was ridiculous.

He contemplated the bite of pancake again but lowered his fork as his shoulders slumped. “Why do you think that?” He replied to her question with one of his own. Something seemed a bit off about the Supreme since last summer, but Royce was never one to prod. He didn’t like others meddling in his life, so he tried not to in theirs. Even if he could literally read their minds, he had learned to stay out of where he wasn’t welcome unless he was invited or felt it necessary. He hadn’t been reading Poppy’s mind diligently, he wondered if that should change. She had a tendency to bring this topic up a couple times recently.

He dropped his fork with a clank. “You did what?” He ran his hands through his hair, ruffling it up just a tad before smoothing his dark locks. “Poppy, what could possess you to think offering a favor to the town’s mortal enemy was a bright idea? What if she tries to make you do something really heinous?” Of course, her brother, why were these families so desperate to be martyrs for each other? “If Lindor Truffles didn’t want to save himself, that’s on him, but that offer…” A few dollars meant nothing, not in comparison to owing their biggest threat a favor. He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on. “Was there anything specific you offered, or is that entirely at the former sheriff’s whim?” He groaned at her offer, having said enough times he didn’t want to be the Supreme, leaning back into the booth’s chair as his mind swirled with the potentials of what an evil mastermind could request of the leader of the coven instead. If only he could offer himself up instead of Poppy, he was for all intents and purposes the more disposable of the two. Another advisor could easily be acquired, choosing a new Supreme when he would refuse it was another game.

“Do you want the job?” He asked her seriously, picking up the cup of coffee he haphazardly ordered and taking an experimental sip. It was okay, not gutter water like he presumed, but he still set it aside. “The ancestors chose you, Poppy, that’s how this whole bit in the coven works. They chose you, and we are supposed to believe that’s the right choice. I have decided since day one that this is the right choice, but do you think it was? Do you even want to be Supreme? Because that’s twice since sitting down you’ve tried to offer it to me.” He was quiet before softening. “Why do you lack the confidence in yourself, if this is what you were meant to be?”

[justalittlelemony]

The Dead Man’s Switch Chapter 2

Read both chapters on Ao3 here.

Word count: 2,303

After Jack Manifold told him of the dead man’s switch, Tommy sends a message to Tubbo to have a long overdue conversation.

TW for mentions of suicide. There’s nothing that actually happens, but the idea of it is discussed.

Full fic under the cut

Despite his promise to Jack Manifold, it took Tommy another hour and a half to get in contact with Tubbo.

Now sure, he had opened his communicator and found Tubbo's name almost immediately after the conversation, but why try and actually communicate with your best friend when you can ignore and agonize over it for another hour?

Which was exactly what he did.

But after trying (and failing) to get his mind on literally anything else, he bit the bullet and sent his best friend a message.

<TommyInnit> Hey Tubbo

<TommyInnit> Tubbooo

<Tubbo_> what

<TommyInnit> I need to talk to you

<TommyInnit> Meet me at the bench

<Tubbo_> ok?

It wasn't exactly the most tactful way to start the conversation, but Tommy wasn't exactly known for his way with words. Speaking of words, Tommy, sitting on the bench and waiting, really wished that he had spent that hour and a half at least trying to figure out what he was going to say.

Hey, Tubbo! How are you doing? How's your husband, Ranboo? By the way, did you want to kill yourself?

Again, not very tactful.

"Shit," he muttered, running his hands over his face. What was he doing? This was a job for Ranboo, or Puffy, or literally anyone else on the server. Tommy was the absolute last person who should be voicing concerns about someone else's mental health because he knew he wasn't alright. He knew full well this conversation was going to be hypocritical because he had his own dead man's switch. His wasn't planned and certainly wasn't as involved, but it served the same purpose.

A suicide bomb and a pillar of mismatched blocks to the sky.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of footsteps on oak planks. "Tommy?" He turned to find his best friend standing next to the bench.

"Hey, big man." Tubbo was in his Snowchester clothing, undoubtedly having walked over from there. His hair was longer, starting to clip at his eyes. Despite how little Tubbo seemed to look like the kid Tommy knew on the surface, he saw his own red bandana around Tubbo's neck, just as he had a green one around his. And frankly, Tommy knew he was in no position to think Tubbo looked unfamiliar when he looked as he did. Apparently, being resurrected fucked with more than just his head. There was now a white streak in his hair, which was admittedly kind of badass. But worst of all, his skin was completely brand new. There were no scars, no blemishes, no imperfections of any kind. It felt so alien, so wrong. He hated it.

Tubbo sat down next to him on the bench. "Hi. I got your message. What did you want to talk about?"

Tommy, completely unsure of how to start this very uncomfortable conversation, did what did best: started talking. "Do you remember that last time we were here? Just you and me, on the bench?"

Tubbo furrowed his brow in thought. "It was right after we fought Dream, right? When we got the discs back?"

"Yeah." Tubbo sounded so casual about it, as if it hadn't almost been the single worst day of Tommy's life.

"Tommy, is everything alright?"

"Do you remember much about that day?"

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean, do you ever think about what all happened? Not just Dream going to prison, but everything that led up to it." He stood up. "'Cause I do. I think about it a lot. I don't want to, but I do. You almost died. I almost lost you."

Tubbo stood up to face him. "But you didn't. I'm fine."

"But you didn't think you were gonna be. Tubbo, you told me to take the discs and run." Tommy realized partway through his sentence that his voice was raising, but he couldn't stop it. "And, and later, in his fuckin' bunker or whatever, you said, 'It's about time!' You didn't even care! It's like you wanted to die!"

There it was. The root of his distress. The reason they were talking.

Tubbo just stared at him for a few seconds. "I didn't want to die," he said finally, "But I wouldn't have minded. Not if it meant you lived."

A pained noise escaped Tommy's throat. "That's not- Tubbo, that's, that's not okay!"

"You heard Dream; he was gonna kill me either way. If I was already going to die, at least you would be safe!"

"But that doesn't fucking matter, Tubbo!" And Prime, Tommy really felt like he was back in Dream's blackstone bunker, pleading with Tubbo, trying to find a way, any way to keep him away from the man they had been fighting for what seemed like forever. "It doesn't matter 'cause then you'd be dead! You don't get to just give up like that!"

"Why not?" Tubbo was yelling now too. "It's my life!"

"You find something else, anything else! You don't just-"

"I don't know how to do anything else!"

They both stopped, one in anger, one in shock. Tubbo breathed heavily, his glare fixed on Tommy. He wiped at his eyes a bit, and Tommy realized with a start, he was crying. He sat down on the ground, his head resting on the edge of the seat of the bench. His arms curled around his torso as he quietly spoke. "I'm not Wilbur, or you. It's like Dream said. I'm a pawn. That's all I can do."

Tommy wanted to say so much to Tubbo. He wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that he was one of the smartest, strongest, bravest people he knew. That of course he wasn't a pawn. That of course he was worth more than that. But he couldn't work the words out of his throat. Instead, he sat down next to Tubbo. When he finally did speak, it was slow, hesitant. "I meant what I said that day, y'know. I don't know what I'd do without you." I don't even know who I am without you.

(Dream might have called Tubbo his origin story, but Tommy knew he was dead wrong. They were Tommy and Tubbo, Tubbo and Tommy. Two halves of a whole. Tommy couldn't live without his other half.)

Tubbo gave him a sad smile. "You'd be fine."

"No, I wouldn't have. Not without you." He sighed. "Look, Tubbo, you've got a life. You've got people who care for you. You've got a fucking kid, for Prime's sake! You can't," Leave me. Kill yourself. "You can't give up. If not for me, then for Ranboo, for Michael. Please, Tubbo."

Tubbo paused for a second, then turned to Tommy. "What made you think I was giving up?"

"What?"

"The Final Disc War was months ago. It's been pretty quiet on the server since then." He looked down. "Well, mostly. Why'd you think I was giving up?"

Tommy sucked in a breath. "Jack Manifold came to see me earlier today. He said you put a dead man's switch on the nukes." Tubbo's eyes widened at the mention of the nukes. Tommy hesitated but continued on. "Tubbo, you made a suicide bomb. You know that, right?"

Tubbo was silent, his gaze fixed ahead of him as if he were working something out in his head. When he spoke it was quiet, barely loud enough for Tommy to hear. "I know."

"You knew?" It wasn't new information. (Of course Tubbo knew what he was doing. Of course Tubbo knew what it meant.) But it still rocked Tommy to his core.

Tubbo still wasn't looking at him but was instead playing with his hands. "I didn't have a plan to use it. Or, at least, not a specific plan. It was more of a contingency if anything. Just in case."

Tommy couldn't help but let out an incredulous laugh. "Just in case what? You had to blow yourself up and take a chunk of the server with you?"

"Yeah," he said, quieter than before. He sighed, "Look, I know you're worried for me-"

"Yeah, no shit."

"-But I'm fine, I promise." He finally looked at Tommy. "It's not like I'm trying to hurt myself or anything like that. It's just, I'm alright, with dying, I mean, if it's better for other people."

And there was just so much behind that single statement. The fact that Tubbo seemed to have such apathy towards dying made Tommy sick to his stomach, although he couldn't quite pinpoint why. But once he did, he knew what he was going to say.

"Did I ever tell you what happened during exile?"

Tubbo's eyes widened. "No. But you don't have to if you don't want to," he said reassuringly, "I know you don't like to talk about it."

Tommy shook his head. "No, it's alright. I think I'm ready." It's about time anyway. "Obviously, I was there, alone, with Dream. He'd make me take off my armor and all my other stuff and blow it up. That's what the hole bit was about. He'd spend a lot of time trying to convince me that he was my only friend, that nobody else cared." He looked down. "And I, I actually fucking fell for it, for a bit."

"Tommy, I'm so sorry-"

"Don't," he said, a stern tone in his voice. "It's not your fault, it's Dream's." They had never really discussed it, but Tommy didn't, wouldn't blame Tubbo for exile. He shook his head. "But, anyway, between Dream being my only company and just basically everything going to shit, I, I guess I gave up." His voice started to tremble and he did everything in his power to stop it. "I didn't care if I lived or, or not. And so when Dream blew up all my shit and told me he was never coming back, that was it for me. I built a tower." He looked back to Tubbo. "I know you've seen it. And, and I want to say that I was joking, that I wasn't going to jump. But I wasn't joking."

No, he hadn't been joking. It scared Tommy knowing just how close he had come to jumping off of that pillar that day.

"And I'm telling you this because what happened to me and what happened to you was fucked. It was completely fucked." He had managed to steady his voice. He sounded confident, sure. "But jumping into the water that day was the best decision I've made in a long fucking time."

Tubbo didn't react, didn't even move after Tommy finished talking. For a moment, he wondered if he said something wrong. But then, Tubbo rested his head on his shoulder, and Tommy pulled him into a hug. Tubbo buried his face into Tommy's shirt, just like he had done since they were kids, whispering apologies. "I'm sorry. Prime, Tommy, I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry, Tubbo," he said, and he meant it. He rested his own head on top of Tubbo's. They sat there for who knows how long and for once, Tommy thought, everything felt alright.

Not good.

But alright.

At some point, Tubbo peeked his face out from Tommy's shirt. "What do you suggest we do?" the voice from underneath Tommy asked.

"I dunno." He shrugged (Well, as much as he could without moving Tubbo). "Puffy's got a therapy office. I've already signed up."

"...You want me to go to therapy with you?"

Tommy laughed. "No! Not with me, you clingy fucking... Sign yourself up!"

Tubbo giggled at that. "Is Puffy even qualified to give therapy?"

"Is anyone on this server?"

"True."

"I mean, unqualified help has got to be better than no help at all, right?"

Tubbo looked as though he were going to disagree, but instead said, "I suppose."

"So, will you go and see Puffy?" Please say yes.

Tubbo paused. "I'll think about it." Tommy let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding. "Will you stop avoiding me?"

Tommy stopped. "I'm not avoiding you," he lied.

"Really?" Tubbo pulled himself out from underneath Tommy so he could look at him directly. "'Cause it really feels like it, ever since you got back. Tommy, you're my best friend, you know that, right? I haven't replaced you."

Tommy wanted to let him know just how much that statement meant to him. That he knew he wasn't being replaced, but that it felt like so much had changed in the month he was in the prison. Instead, he said, "Of course, you haven't replaced me! I'm TommyInnit, haver of wives! I can't be replaced! I'm just," How to put it? "Not a big fan of that Ranboo fellow."

"Tommy-"

He raised hands in faux surrender. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I'll try and visit you more often, I promise." He put his hands back down in his lap and started playing with them. "It's just been weird since I got out."

Tubbo had sill been looking at him, but looked down as he spoke (In guilt? In understanding?), "I know." He rested his head again on Tommy's shoulder, which made him feel a little better, at the very least. "Do you-" Tubbo started to speak, but stopped, before starting up again. "Do you think things will ever be okay?"

And that really was the question, wasn't it? "I dunno," Tommy answered honestly, "But it's still worth trying."

Things weren't going to get better overnight, Tommy knew. Especially not on this server. They still had a myriad of problems to deal with: Dream, the prison, and someone should probably do something about that Egg thing. But the point was it wasn't going to be an easy journey. But as long as they were together, they'd be alright.

Tommy, Tubbo, (And maybe Ranboo, I guess.) against the world.

[rocket-remmy]

Shock To Your System|| Luce and Remmy

TIMING: Yesterday evening sometime PARTIES: @divineluce and @whatsin-yourhead  SUMMARY:  Fries and milkshake, with a side of feels. Coming right up.

Setting her brush down, Luce let out a sigh before taking a seat on the stool she’d brought into her shed. With running, going to bars, and sword fighting on the “Do Not Under Any Circumstances Do” list that she’d been given by her doctor, Luce was doing her best to find her artistic muse again. In the wake of Bea’s death, she’d lost some of the creative spark she’d used to have. Her focus had slipped and she’d shelved her various projects in favor of drowning her troubles away or throwing herself into the nearest fight. Now that neither of those options were on the table, she might as well focus on a new medium. Painting. It’d never been her strong suit, but she had to start somewhere. But, just the effort of sitting up, standing, painting, it took a lot out of her. Barely an hour in and she was already winded. With a groan, she threw a tarp over the canvas before forcing herself to head back towards the house. She’d come back to the painting later. As she was about to head inside, she caught sight of someone walking up to the house from beyond the gate. A familiar someone. “Hey.” Luce called out, wincing slightly as the effort jarred her ribs. No yelling. Noted. Walking up to the side gate, she rested her hands against the iron bars. “Hey stranger.”

The weariness of everything was weighing heavily upon Remmy’s shoulders. They just needed one day to themself, one night where they didn’t have to stretch and strain their muscles to the point of breaking. Sure, they healed, but the pain was still there. Lingering. A reminder. Besides, they’d just found out that Luce was in the hospital, and this was more important. Their friends were more important. They wanted, badly, to be with Nell, too, to go see her, see how she was doing, but Jax had warned them to stay far, far away from her. She would know what the collar was, what it meant, and it would be bad for both of them. So, this would do. Carrying freshly made french fries and a shake on the bus and then to the Vural house, where Remmy wondered if Bea was home. But before they could make it too far up the path, a familiar voice caught their attention and they swerved to find the source. “Hey!” they called excitedly. She looked okay, physically, but that didn’t mean everything was fine. Remmy understood that more now than ever. “Are you sure you should be up and about?” they asked, meeting her at the gate. 

At the upbeat pitch of Remmy’s voice, Luce grinned a little. Seemed like they were doing a bit better than the last time she’d seen them. She could still remember how they’d curled up into themself, trying to pull themselves back into the present, out of the memories that had returned to haunt them. Seeing them like this was better. Or… was it? There was something about the way that they carried themself that seemed just a little off. Pushing the thought from her mind, Luce’s eyes fell on the bag and cup in their hands. She could smell fries from Al in the bag. “You didn’t need to bring me shit.” She said, folding her arms across her chest instinctively. But, the motion pressed against her ribs and Luce did her best to hide the spasm of pain. Fuck. Stupid fucking ribs. God. If Blanche hadn’t literally saved her life… “Eh. I’m listening to the doctor. For the most part.” She said, her voice slightly stiff. 

Remmy furrowed their brow and looked down at the food in their hands. “You had said you wanted some,” they mumbled, slumping a little. Had this been a bad idea? They couldn’t be altogether sure, but seeing Luce felt nice. Knowing that she was alright made them feel just a little bit lighter. Even if she winced after folding her arms over her chest. “So, uh-- you never did tell me why you were in the hospital? Or, um-- not why, but like--” they gestured to her with the milkshake, “what you injured.” They came around the gate, prodding it open and holding the food out to her. “And I can’t eat anyway, so I guess you have to accept this now.”

Watching the way they slumped slightly, a slight pang of… something went through Luce. Must have just been her ribs. As Remmy slipped past the gate, holding out the food, she reluctantly took it. The smell of the fries was honestly incredible after days of rice, whole grain toast, and a whole bunch of other tasteless bullshit. “Well, given that you can’t actually eat it… And since it’s already here,” She fished a fry out of the bag and pointed at them with it. “Thanks.” She popped it into her mouth and chewed as she walked towards the side door of the house. “Come on inside.” For once, the summer air felt refreshing against her skin, instead of absolutely miserable. But, one of the downsides of lacking her usual high body temperature? Fucking mosquitos. “I said, magical backlash. We brought back Bea, stuff happened.” She said with an offhand wave of her hand. “We’re all healing.”

“Yeah, sure,” Remmy said, “anytime.” And they meant it. Luce had somehow become important to them, and not just because she was Nell’s sister. Each of them had become something to them outside of each other, it just made it all more connected that they were related. They felt a little sheepish thinking about how they hadn’t realized they’d all been sisters at first. “Thanks for lifting that burden from my hands,” they teased quietly, giving her a grin as she started up towards the house. She seemed to be walking slower than usual, probably a side effect of the magic. They’d brought someone back from the dead, after all, and Remmy knew how much of a strain it was on Morgan just to make sand knives. This? They couldn’t even imagine the consequences. They didn’t want to. Magic was a concept a little beyond them. “No, I mean like-- what effect is that? Is it just like...exhaustion? Physical illness? Broken bones? I’m just not sure how it works, you know? I was just curious. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, though.”

“It’s a lot, but I think I can take it.” Luce said with a wink as she settled down into one of the chairs at the kitchen island. Setting the fries down, she took the milkshake from their hands and took a long sip. She let out a sigh and shook her head. Fuck that was good. Al’s had some good shit. She was twenty-six, a milkshake and fries weren’t going to kill her now. At their question, Luce took another long sip from the styrofoam cup, not wanting to answer them immediately. Of course they weren’t just going to drop it. With a sigh, Luce popped open the lid of the cup and dipped a fry into the slurry of ice cream. “I had a heart attack. Not sure why, exactly, but we think it was because I put too much power into the spell.” She said, thinking back to what Winston had told them, about them feeling overwhelmed, overcharged with magic. Had the excess magic filtered into them? Christ. “Blanche knows CPR though, so she had it handled.” She said, reaching for another small handful of greasy fries.

Remmy watched Luce closely for a moment. The way she settled in the chair, the clothes she was wearing. It was...unusual. Remmy couldn’t really put their finger on it, but something was off about her. It was probably just the strain from everything that had happened over the past month. Bea had died. She’d had to go through that pain. And then Bea’s ghost was around, and then they’d....resurrected her. Remmy couldn’t even begin to comprehend all of that. Let alone what she’d had to do to resurrect her. It was probably weighing her down, and Remmy suddenly found themself wishing they could do something, anything, to lift some of it off. They were about to sit down when Luce dropped the news. “Wait, you-- what!?” they scoffed, nearly falling out of the chair, barely catching themself and hanging onto the side of the table. “Heart-- heart attack? You had a-- shit, Luce! What the hell!? That’s not just a little thing! That’s a lot! A big thing! A ‘I could’ve possibly died’ thing!”

Taking a long sip from the cup, Luce’s eyebrows raised over the styrofoam rim as Remmy nearly fell to the ground. She licked her lips before grabbing another fry, looking in the bag for ketchup. Damn. “It’s fine. Shit happens. I didn’t die,” Technically, “So it’s fine. The person I feel bad for is Blanche in that. She shouldn’t have needed to do that.” Well, Blanche and Nell. And Winston. And Bea. All of them, really. The heart attack had been… terrifying in the moment. The way her lungs had failed, the way the world had just faded away. But, it had been painless. Until she’d woken up in the hospital bed and felt her ribs screaming through the haze of painkillers, she hadn’t been in any pain. Unlike Nell and Bea, who’d both suffered so much pain and disorientation. “But yeah. Heart attack. Broken ribs. A weird burn. That’s it.” She said, grabbing the bottle of ketchup from the fridge.

“Luce…” Remmy started, but stopped. They weren’t really sure what to say. Luce was being so...blase about her heart attack, but Remmy didn’t have much room to speak. They hadn’t talked to anyone really about their death. Or what had happened in the ring. But it felt wrong to just brush it off like this. “That’s not just...regular shit that you get over,” they finally said. “I-- I get that other people were suffering, too, but what you went through is important, too, you know. And big, and scary, and-- just not dying isn’t fine. Trust me,” they slumped into the chair, “I know.”

Shutting the fridge, Luce grabbed the ketchup bottle and poured some out onto the paper bag. Dipping a fry into the sauce, she waved away Remmy’s concern. “It’s not a big deal. Seriously.” She said with a shake of her head, leaning against the counter with a slight wince as her ribs twinged in pain. She dunked a fry into ketchup and held it there for a moment before locking eyes with Remmy. Even though the fire was gone, she could still the smoldering embers of the fire burning within her. She couldn’t harness her magic any more, not right now. But, she could still feel it lingering within her. “It’s really fine. I don’t even remember what happened.” She said before looking away. “I’m here. I’m fine. It doesn’t matter.” She said dismissively and took another long drink from the cup. “Don’t worry about it.”

Remmy huffed a little. “It is a big deal,” they argued, “people don’t just have heart attacks, especially young, healthy people. Even in this town.” They stood up, then, following her over towards the counter. “It’s not fine and I am worried about it!” They weren’t usually this forceful or up front, but they were tired of watching people brush past their pain. Tired of watching people they cared about suffer. “I know you’re upset about it. I may not be the most observant person, but I’m not stupid. I saw how torn up you were about Bea dying, about what happened,” they were quieter now, but still forceful. “So just-- let someone care about you. Even if it’s not as bad as what happened to everyone else, it still happened to you.” And they yanked the cup away from her.

Frowning, Luce’s jaw clenched slightly as she listened to their words. As they closed the gap between the two of them, she couldn’t help the way her eyes flicked over their arms, the curve of their neck. Fuck. Fuck. “You’re not stupid.” She agreed automatically. How could they ever think they were stupid? Even in the few times they’d talked, she could tell that they had an analytical mind, one that was driven towards numbers, towards logic. Even if no one had ever figured that out. Swallowing at their words, she looked away at the clean white decor of Bea’s home, at the flower pots with dying plants still languishing in the dirt on the window sill. “Why does it even matter to you?” She demanded, the food forgotten on the kitchen counter. “I don’t need anyone to look out for me. I don’t need people to care. Not when there’s--” She cut herself off, pursing her lips tightly as she stared at them. “I don’t care.”

“What-- what do you mean why does it matter to me?” Remmy asked, suddenly confused. “It-- it matters to me because you’re my friend? And I care about you?” Was that not obvious? Did Luce not think they were friends? Oh, god, were they not friends? Remmy swallowed again, wanting to take a step back, wanting to fold in on themself-- but they stayed steady, stayed standing. Because they weren’t backing down on this point. “Fine, don’t care. That doesn’t change that I do, and I’m sure Bea does. And Nell, and Blanche. Cause I kinda don’t think it matters if you want people to care about you or look out for you, they do anyway. I do anyway. Because you’re-- because you-- you don’t deserve to be alone. Not in this. Not in anything.”

“We’re not friends.” Luce said automatically. She couldn’t remember how many times she said those words. Women who wanted to be more than just a hookup, clients who tried to be all buddy-buddy with her just because she’d done a couple of their tattoos, regulars at Soul who thought that sitting next to each other at a bar meant something. “We’re just people who fuck, that’s it. That’s all this is.” She said, but for some reason, the words rang hollow. As they continued to speak, Luce glared at the kitchen counter. “I like being alone.” She said, though the words lacked truth. Being in the hospital room with Nell, with the revolving door of her friends coming in and out… Jared, Winston, that kid with the pink hair… And even when people offered to come by… Morgan and Ulfric weren’t her friends. Morgan was just someone who’d been at the wrong place at the wrong time, over and over again. And Ulf was her boss. They weren’t friends. She didn’t want friends. She didn’t. “Being alone works for me.” 

Remmy glared at Luce. Like, actually glared. Something they rarely, if ever, did. But she was being stupid and stubborn and they couldn’t help that the words hurt. They actually hurt. They had let themself believe that they were friends and now Luce was saying they weren’t. But she didn’t get to be the only one to decide that. If they had learned anything lately, it was that they got a say in things, too. That their opinion did matter. “You’re a fucking liar,” they finally said, pushing away from the counter. “And you don’t get to decide who I call friend. I’m not you’re friend? Fine. Doesn’t mean I don’t think of you as a friend.” Remmy had always tried so hard in life to make friends, it didn’t always come easy. Real friends were strange to them. People who cared and loved them weren’t a common thing. They’d worked hard to have this life. And now it was being torn apart by a single man with icy eyes and a sharp tongue and they didn’t need people they cared about adding to that. “People who ��just fuck’ don’t stay the night after panic attacks.”

Glancing up, Luce found herself meeting their gaze, feeling the full weight of their glare. It was full of emotion that she hadn’t seen in them before, never like this. She resisted the urge to look away and forced herself to meet their expression with a cool look. But, their words stung. There was… truth to what they said. “Fine. Do what you want.” She said with a wave of her hand. “Call me whatever you want but we’re--” Her fingers clenched at her side at their words. “That’s different. I’m not…” Luce paused, a slight stab of pain going through her side as she struggled to maintain her cool. “That was different. You did it for me, I did it for you. Equivalent exchange.” She said. “Sometimes shit happens and you just need… someone around. That’s all it was.”

“And why do you think I did it?” Remmy burst, but bit their tongue back. This wasn’t at all how they had thought this would go. This wasn’t at all how they wanted this to go. They just wanted to check up on Luce, because they were worried about her. And they wanted her to know they were there for her. But clearly she didn’t want that right now, even if Remmy knew she needed it. Last time they had forced someone to take their help, it had ended badly. Though Skylar eventually forgave them, Remmy knew that that wasn’t the right thing to do with Luce. Everyone was different. “You can say all you want that you don’t care, Luce,” they said, shaking their head, losing their steam. “But no one’s going to--” but they never got to finish their sentence, because in the next moment, a splitting pain tore through them. From their neck, down their back, all the way to their feet. It settled in the pit of their stomach where a loud, blood-curdling scream built, before finally bursting from their mouth. Their body dropped to the ground, crumpling.

Listening to their words, Luce shook her head. She didn’t want to hear this. She didn’t want to deal with having to… feel things. She didn’t didn’t want people to think she was weak and needed to be cared for. She didn’t want pity. “You’re the kind of person who cares--” Her words were cut off when something went wrong. The sound of Remmy’s agonized scream filled the house and for a moment, all she could do was stare in shock. What was happening? What was going on? When they collapsed to the floor, it was as though a spell was broken and Luce found herself scrambling towards Remmy. All thoughts of their previous conversation flew out the window as she tried to figure out what was wrong, what had happened, and what she could possibly do to fix this. Kneeling next to them, she rested a hand against their shoulder. “Remmy-- Remmy. Hey,” She said, pressing her other hand against their cheek. “Rem, what’s happening? What’s going on?”

Remmy spasmed, clawing at the thing around their neck as they felt it pulse electricity through them. The pain that exploded in their stomach made them feel like it was happening again. Like they were being ripped apart again. Remmy screamed. They didn’t even feel Luce at first, not until there was a hand on their cheek and their eyes flew open. They stared up at her for a moment before the panic set in. “Don’t-- don’t touch me--” they snapped, shoving her away. “Don’t touch me!” Scrambled away from her, still twitching from the pain. Crying out quietly whenever a pulse went through them, hands clutched around their stomach. They stared wide-eyed at Luce for a moment before trying to pull themself back up, groaning with effort. “I-- I have to--” slipped, falling back down, legs shaking.

The way Remmy convulsed on the ground, the way their hands flew to the strange necklace around their neck, Luce frowned in confusion. Was it..? Was that thing hurting them? At their words, her hands flew back quickly. “What’s happening, Remmy? What’s going on?” She asked, startled as she watched them attempt to stand again. “You don’t have to do anything, just--” Luce said, reaching towards them once more as they fell to the ground. They were in so much pain, but how? What was going on? As her fingers brushed against their skin, a crackle of electricity buzzed against her skin and she let out a slight gasp as she pulled away. The sensation was almost… familiar. Magic? “What’s the necklace doing to you?” She asked, “Why are you wearing it?”

Remmy thanked god they didn’t have to breathe, because they knew it would be labored and wheezing. Still, their voice stuttered the same way, as if they couldn’t breath. Their stomach dropped when Luce pointed out the collar. She was coming over to them again, her fingers brushing against their skin. They pushed her away again, holding their arm out. Hands shaking. “I-it’s nothing, it’s not--” groaned, wincing with pain again. They needed to make it stop. They wanted it to stop. “It’s nothing. Just-- leave it alone. I have to go.” Stuttered, stumbling back again. Finally, the pulses stopped. Or slowed, at least. Body heavy, they pulled themself up and away from Luce. “I-- I have to--” they turned, heading towards the door. They had to get out of there. Before Luce asked more questions, before she got hurt. They couldn’t let her see them this way. Not anymore.

“Now who’s the fucking liar.” Luce said, though her words lacked their usual bite. Instead, all she felt was concern and worry. Whatever the fuck was going on wasn’t nothing. They had clearly been in a lot of pain. And were still experiencing it, judging by the way they grimaced and groaned. “It’s clearly not nothing. You were just on the ground, screaming. Hey--” As they turned to leave, Luce moved in front of them, positioning herself between them and the door. “Why do you have to leave? You’re not in any state to be going anywhere. What is that thing? What’s it doing to you?” She demanded. 

Remmy stumbled back when Luce stepped in front of them. They could easily push her out of the way, even with their muscles so heavy, but they couldn’t bring themself to harm her in any way, especially when she was already so hurt. They couldn’t keep doing this. Couldn’t keep putting people they cared about in harm’s way like this. They’d been an idiot to think they could maintain any sort of normal relationship with this stupid collar on. It hurt everyone around them. It was a danger. They were a danger. Maybe it was best to just cut off all ties. With everyone. As much as it hurt, it’d worked with Morgan, right? But they looked into Luce’s eyes and saw her concern and all they could say was, “Get out of my way. Before I make you.”

Their words rang in her ears and Luce stared at them, trying to read their expression, trying to figure out what was going through their head. But, it was in vain. There was only pain, weariness. Exhaustion. “What? You’re going to hurt me? You wouldn’t do that.” She said, voice calm, despite the fact that she wasn’t entirely sure if her words were true. She’d pushed them, she’d ignored them, she’d treated them… far worse than they deserved. They had every reason to want to hurt her. But, whatever it was that they were going through, it was clearly hurting them. And she… she didn’t care. She told herself that she didn’t care. They just didn’t deserve to be in so much pain.

Remmy steadied themself. This was for the better. This was what they had to do. They’d done it with Morgan and Blanche and Ham and now it was time to move Luce out of the way, too. She couldn’t get hurt from this. Not when she was already going through so much. Her or Nell. They needed to stay away from them. And even if it tore apart their unbeaten heart to think about, they knew they had to do it. Remmy gave Luce one last look, lips pressed firmly together, eyes sharp. “Move,” was all they said.

“No.” Luce replied, matching their gaze with her own. The magic that usually burned and roared within her was still low, still smoldering embers, but she had fire of her own. She wasn’t going to let them go. “Not until you explain. Just-- fucking…” Her voice trailed off as she tried to muddle through her thoughts. She didn’t care. She didn’t care. They just didn’t deserve to suffer without anyone’s help. And she wanted to help. Not because she cared, but because Remmy deserved more than this. “You shouldn’t have to suffer like that.”

This time, Remmy did draw in a breath. Slowly. Clenched their jaw. They could feel a warmth building in the collar again. It was going to happen again soon, wasn’t it? This was their punishment. This was what the collar was for. They’d disobeyed, and now they would pay. Remmy looked at Luce with as much grit as they could, arms trembling. “I guess we don’t always get what we deserve,” they said. They reached out, then, grabbed Luce’s shoulders, and shoved her against the wall, moving past. The collar sparked and they paused, muscles tensing, before it stopped. Once they were in the doorway, they stopped. “Don’t follow me.” 

When they grabbed her by the shoulders, forced her against the wall, a hot stabbing pain filled her side. Luce let out a groan, her broken ribs making their presence very known. The pain medicine couldn’t do anything to prevent her from feeling the fresh waves of pain. Clutching at her side, she leaned heavily against the wall with her shoulder. She struggled to move towards them, but the pain was too much and it was all she could do to just stand. Her breath came in shuddering waves as she stared at them. “Remmy… Don’t do this. Don’t go.” She managed, hoping that they would listen. But, she knew they wouldn’t. Whatever Remmy was going through, they had made it clear that they didn’t want her to have any part in it. 

Remmy felt their heart wrench at the groan of pain from Luce. At the pained way she struggled to stay standing. At the small desperation in her words. Even if she denied it, Remmy could tell she cared about them. And it hurt. It hurt to think she tried to say she didn’t. It hurt to hear her so upset. And it hurt to hear her deny it all. Remmy let go of her and backed out the door way. “I’m just someone you fuck,” they muttered, “that’s it.” And they left her there, finding that walking away was somehow more painful than the collar that was tying them to this fate.

[justjessame]

Babysitting Butcher Chapter 32

Life as a human guinea pig is a strange thing. First of all, there's the questions. The same questions over and over, to the point where the machines and medical doodads and the noise that became almost normal for me, but the questions became the irritant of the day.

"How are you feeling today, Dr. Taylor?" As I'd squint into the bright light being forced into my marrow it seemed. A muttered reply from me, and honestly the same answer in varying degrees of annoyance or acceptance depending upon the day and how many times I'd been asked it so far. "Uh huh, and are you feeling warm? Is there tenderness in your abdomen?" While they poked and prodded, testing skin, muscle, bone and eventually blood.

Did you know the average human adult has around 1.2-1.5 gallons of blood which equals roughly 10 units? I know this because I wanted to be certain that I'd have enough after all the blood testing. Research would either be the way I kept sane or what finally pushed me over the ledge into complete madness, mark my words.

Billy visited, as often as he could, and every single time he'd greet the head poker in residence with his own version of the repeated question game. "How is she? What's the bloody progress?" At which I would inevitably check the arm that seemed to be their favorite vessel for bloodletting. "How much longer?" And then he'd meet my gaze and focus his attention on ME, rather than on my medical condition.

Yes, I was calling it a condition. If I let the reality of my situation fully grip me, then I'd scream. And I had moments of it, trust me.

How would you feel if every single time the man you loved walked in and spoke about your person as though you were a petri dish experiment before reminding himself, through sheer force of finally SEEING you, that you were in fact the woman he loved?

Now take that feeling you just got from that scenario and add the annoyingly taunting voice of the caped asshole who caused this whole fucking irritating bullshit situation reminding you that you fell in love with a man for whom hatred of supes is as natural as inhaling. Feeling just a hint of discomfort? Just add the sound of beeping, buzzing, and dripping to remind yourself of the fact that this was all happening while I was being held hostage as a "let's see what happens if we try this mixture to counteract the demon juice flowing through her veins" was tried over and over.

Strained. My nerves, body, and brain felt strained. Even after the feeding tube was gone and Billy could kiss me. Even after I was given the go ahead to work from my hospital bed. Frayed would be a kind way to say how absolutely on edge I felt.

And the worse part? I felt like I was missing something. Something important. Something paramount. Just out of reach and as though, even surrounded by my laptop and notes, something that was keeping me out of an important loop.

The longer that I stayed in the 'undisclosed medical' location, the more that I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. Literally anywhere. I started to yearn for Bolivia and the Black Ops team that had gotten caught up in the web of a rogue agent and 'died' implicated in a massive fuck up of epic proportions.

When a rational woman who knows how the inner workings of other people's brains and behavior follow reliable patterns starts thinking fondly of the heat of a tropical place where she had to wade through more red tape than most people would assume humanly possible to unravel the truth, all while hearing the type of rumors about the men she was trying to clear and resurrect from faked death, then shit has hit epic levels of horrible. It did remind me to contact that team to see how their return to their former lives had worked out, and wonder if their leader had gotten over his own tragic ability to attract murderous women.

I wanted to go further than the small courtyard deemed safe enough for me to explore, and near enough to make them taking me off the dialysis machine after another fun round of 'clean her blood again' reasonable. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and watch television at my discretion without interruptions for another round of the questions and poking I wanted, in short, to be back to normal already.

I might have been empathizing with Billy's urge for the Vought wankers (his word, I swear) to find the magic solution so life could go back to the routine we both wanted a return to. Or I might have been trying to only see the positive outcome, since there was a creeping feeling that maybe, just maybe there wasn't an easy fix or a fix at all.

A month passed, with my cabin fever slowly increasing by the day, and with it my internal and external temperatures. Oh yeah, that's right, I might have forgotten to mention that while the steaming was at bay, now it was just my actual body temperature that would fluctuate and freak every single fucking person all the way out. When Billy said I nearly went "nuclear" he hadn't been joking, apparently I could have fucking exploded like a goddamn human time bomb and I didn't want to consider just how fucking messy that would have been for the janitorial staff.

Finally, maybe because I wanted some type of control about the questioning, I started asking some probing ones of my own. And what I found, when they would meet my eyes and answer me as fully as I wanted, was that that creeping feeling was growing more likely.

The issue wasn't simply that they didn't know which variation of Compound V that Homelander had me infected with, it was that as they broke down the components and addressed each one, my body didn't simply fight their attempts, it attacked itself. The asshole, it would appear, had basically chosen the self destruct version, and it was trickier than any puzzle these 'real doctors' had ever come across. I was truly feeling the confidence of having a toddler performing my brain surgery with this knowledge.

Oh and that wasn't all, even IF they figured out how to 'neutralize' the formula inside of my bloodstrain, then there was a probability that I could pass it on to any future children. Isn't that some kind of amazingly poetic bullshit to hear after you chose to evict a foreign invader from your uterus? That the one stabilizing agent I'd had scraped and dumped was the ONLY one that I would ever get to actually be allowed to experience. Remind me to send Homelander a HUGE fucking thank you card, would you?

Early into my first true consciousness, before I found out just how fucked the pompous dick had made my entire existence, Billy had told me that my parents had visited while I was knocked out. Apparently near death experiences make even the weirdest of families reunite. And mine was no different.

Mom became a regular visitor and I was shocked by how much I started looking forward to her visits. She was strangely comforting, and tried to keep my spirits up, she even made peace with Billy. Dad was less frequent in his contact, but Mom told me it was difficult for him to see me look like a shell of myself.

And I did. I looked like a ghost that's haunting what was left of my body. The feeding tube had kept me nourished, but my muscle mass had suffered from the amount of time I was forced to spend in bed. I was constantly tired, my work hours going from nine to six to an hour here, a few minutes there, and the amount of napping I did would make most house cats jealous. The gowns that I wore hung from my frame, my appetite was scarce and I felt like this was the LONGEST goodbye letter ever to be written.

As the days passed, one merging into the next without me taking stock of how much I missed, how much that puzzle of what I was missing had bothered me early on, the negative ideas started creeping in. Homelander's voice grew louder. His smug question about Billy and me and what my condition would mean for the two of us in the end kept pushing through my attempts to distract myself.

I was sitting in the soft chair they'd brought in for me by the window, staring out and thinking of my options when Billy came in for his visit. I heard him, in the background noise of beeps and whirls, ask his questions. I felt him when he was nearer to me, but my eyes stayed on the 'view'.

He started to greet me, but my mouth opened and the question came out without me thinking about it. "How will you do it?" I watched a leaf, one missed by the obsessive groundskeepers, dance in a breeze I wish I could feel. He was confused, his reflection showed that much. "When you kill me, how will you do it?"

"Veronica," I could hear the pain in his voice, the fear hiding behind it. "I wouldn't-"

"Frenchie then?" I tilted my head considering. "MM? Hughie barely managed to make the choice with-" I stopped and took a breath. "Kimiko?" I sighed and pulled my legs up onto the chair, hugging my knees. "I hear she makes quite a mess of her prey." My voice wasn't loud and it didn't sound anything more than resigned, and I was a little curious. "If you can get Starlight to do it, you could make it seem like self defense? Or," I sighed, and bit my lip, "it would finally give you a reason to take her out too."

"Ronnie, love, that's not gonna-" I turned and he flinched when he saw that I was serious and not the least bit upset. "Ronnie?"

"Billy Butcher, I wrote the book on you." My smile felt wrong to me, but right at the same time. "I know you inside and out, or at least I think I do." I had the research on the flash drive that was hooked into my laptop on the bed. "You are single minded in your focus and your focus has been on eliminating supes from the world for a very long time." I turned back to the window, staring past the view and at the reflection of the room behind me. "It was one of the things I found the most attractive about you, I think. That you could see a goal and pound away until you master it." He sat in the chair close to me, but at a distance far enough that he'd have to work to touch me. "So, how will I die, Billy?"

"You'll die safe and sound, of old age in our bed, Veronica." I smiled sadly at this pipe dream of a fairy tale he wanted so badly to believe. "When you're sick of me, remember?" I could hear how badly he wanted it to be true, how much he wanted to hold me and it to all be a terrible dream.

"Never took you for a nursery rhyme and fairy stories fan," my eyes were still on the window. "This isn't going away, Billy, what he put in me isn't going away. And you will start to look at me like you look at him." My eyes found his, and face to face I wanted to force him to see it. "You will. And then, just like you, Frenchie, and Hughie brainstormed about Translucent and the best way to end him, you'll start to consider my pressure points." I gave a harsh, humorless chuckle. "And the funniest part is that Homelander built mine in for you, all you have to do is take me off the blood cleanse for a day and my own body will do it for you." His eyes tightened at the reminder of how many close calls I'd had. "Oops, I guess I just planned it for you."

"Please don't." He was begging me to let him pretend it wasn't the truth, that he wouldn't lose me too, and because of the same supe as Becca's cause of death. "Don't do this."

I smiled sadly, knowing he knew, even without me telling him, what was going to happen next.

[thanksjro]

Before We Begin

Full disclosure: I’m not working off of a physical copy of this story, but rather a PDF download. I live in the United States, and don’t think I’d be able to find a copy of this book if my life depended on it.

When I was looking at the download packets, I chose the one with as many extra materials as I could, so I’d have the best chance at understanding the story without having to rely on the internet too much.

As you can see, there’s a good amount to work with here. I’m especially happy to have the notes- also known as the Story So Far. Thank god for this, because this would be an absolute slog to get through otherwise.

Eugenesis takes place within the Marvel comics continuity, which includes both the American and UK comics published at the time, and The Transformers The Movie. The guide summarizes the millions-year long war between the Autobots and the Decepticons over control of the planet Cybertron. Pretty basic stuff, things anyone who’s ever heard of the Transformers ought to know. The notes assume that the reader knows absolutely nothing about the franchise, which is good, because it means nothing gets left out.

This is already an interesting contrast between Eugenesis and MTMTE/LL, which didn’t need very much extra reading to be understood, if any at all. A rarity in the comic industry. Sure, there were things you could read to get a deeper understanding of certain character motivations- Last Stand of the Wreckers, for example, giving one a better grasp of why Fort Max is so messed up and angry.

But this is about the notes right now, not the comics. So, let’s dive right into:

That’s right, baby, this novel takes place in the far-flung future of 2012, and you better believe the date 12/21/12 comes up at least once.

There’s a lot of stuff that’s covered in the notes, and I’ll bring it up as needed as I progress through the novel. It’s helpful to have, but let’s move on to the juicier stuff.

…Is what I would say, if the notes weren’t completely batshit insane.

It starts out innocently enough, describing the beginnings of the war, establishing that the Transformers didn’t always, well, transform. Transformation technology was developed by Megatron in order to make the Decepticons more combat-effective, and the Autobots followed suit. They fought so hard that Cybertron was knocked out of orbit and got lost for a little while, eventually coming under the rule of a warlord named Trannis while Optimus and Megatron are busy being unconscious for four million years on Earth.

Trannis is a massive technoist, who believes that mechanical beings are the bee’s knees, so he starts cyberforming other planets, until he gets offed by the resistance. He’s quickly replaced with Jhiaxus, who’s basically more of the same, and the Decepticons of Cybertron split up, one team heading into space to do evil robot things, the other guarding Cybertron from the resistance. The Beast Wars are mentioned. The cartoon continuity is mentioned. Shockwave shows up for a bit, gets thrown in a swamp a couple times.

Things go on like this until 1985, when the Earth-based Autobots reestablish contact with their homeworld.

Galvatron shows up- y’know, Galvatron. The revamped Megatron from the movie, which takes place in 2005. He time-hopped from the future to build a weapon to kill Unicron. The Autobots try to stop him. Why they don’t just let him kill Unicron, who is blatantly evil and a threat to anyone around him, isn’t stated, but they eventually trick Galvatron into going back to the future, with a little help from Kup, Blurr, and Hot Rod, who are also from the future.

Galvatron comes back a year later. He causes a bunch of time-travel nonsense to happen, and is basically the worst until the Time Wars happen.

Meanwhile, Megatron heads back to Cybertron to see what’s happened while he was taking a dirt nap. Straxis- who was left in charge by Jhiaxus- isn’t doing so hot, and decides he’s going to steal Megatron’s body for his own. He gets killed for his troubles. Megatron decides he’s just going to head back to Earth, feeling pretty paranoid at this point- which, fair enough. I don’t think I’d feel very safe after someone tried to steal my body either.

Later on, Optimus Prime dies in a video game. Optimus Prime is killed by a human child in a video game. In fact, let me just show you the whole paragraph that covers this, because I don’t know that I’m able to do it justice.

It just blows my mind, and I knew that this happened before I even attempted to read the notes. These notes are eight pages long, and this is on page three.

Now Fortress Maximus is leading a group of Autobots, but he’s really not feeling the fight so much, so he, Kup, and Hot Rod just kinda… leave. They end up on Nebulos and become Target/Headmasters, just in time for the Decepticons to track them down and fight some more. Back on Earth, the Autobots launch Optimus’ corpse into space and elect a dinosaur as their new leader. This goes about as well as one would expect.

Over in London, G.I. Joe finds out that Megatron’s been living in the sewers. Actually, it isn’t Megatron, but a clone, housing the personalities of both Megatron and Straxis. They kill him and throw him in the river. Shockwave catches wind of this and has the body brought to him so he can use it to kill Galvatron. He brings the body back online using a ‘psycho-probe’, and uses the power of suggestion to have Megatron do his dirty work.

Megatron decides to kill Cyclonus and Scourge first, since they work for Galvatron, and through a time-travel mishap, ends up killing one of them before they were created. This displeases the space-time continuum, which promptly rips, and will continue to do so over the next few months.

Are you starting to see why I needed to break this down?

Optimus Prime is brought back from the dead. Hooray.

Starscream finds the Underbase-  an ancient storehouse of Cybertronian knowledge so vast it will literally melt your brain- and wrecks shop until the moment it kills him.

Meanwhile, clone-Megatron has decided he’s not going to kill Galvatron, but rather join forces with him. Everyone agrees that this is a terrible idea, and so the Autobots and Decepticons living in the year 2009 join forces to get Galvatron back to the future. The space-time rift swallows him, Scourge, and Cyclonus’ corpse, solving the problem pretty cleanly. Clone-Megatron finds the original-flavor Megatron, and promptly kills himself.

With the original Megatron back in play, he kidnaps Ratchet and forces him to resurrect Starscream as a Pretender- a robot in a protective shell. Ratchet decides that he’s going to fuck the warlord over as thoroughly as possible, instead bringing back a few of his friends and then exploding the Decepticon base. Both Ratchet and Megatron are presumed dead, but when has that ever stopped anyone in this franchise?

The newly resurrected Autobot Pretenders wind up in the center of the planet, Decepticons hot on their trail, and find themselves face-to-face with Primus, their creator god. Someone shoots the poor guy in the face, and he screams loud enough for Unicron, Bringer of Chaos, Vorer of Worlds, to hear him. So, that’s a thing they’re going to have to deal with in a few months.

Unicron finds a Galvatron from a parallel universe and takes him along for the ride, as the Autobots spend the start of the 90’s looking for the original Optimus’ dead body, which they never bothered to get the Matrix out of for some reason. They better hurry, because space is pretty big, and that Matrix is the only thing that can stop the Chaos Bringer.

Ratchet and Megatron are found- alive- in a pocket dimension, though they probably wish that they weren’t, seeing as they’ve been fused together so hard their brains have to take turns piloting their horrific, melty, shared body.

Unicron shows up in ’91 and kills, just, so many people. Optimus Prime sacrifices himself to save the rest of the population, flinging his body and the newly-recovered Matrix into the World-Vorer’s mouth. This kills God.

Optimus names Grimlock as the new leader of the Autobots- because that worked out so well the last time- and then dies. Prowl does all the heavy lifting to actually get the planet back in shape, seeing as the fight with Unicron wrecked Cybertron so hard its trying to tear itself apart via earthquakes.

Cyberquakes?

Anyway,  Prowl works out a deal with the new leader of the Decepticons, Bludgeon, only to get sabotaged for his efforts, the Autobots being left to die as the 'Cons fly off to find new worlds to conquer.

Shockwave and Starscream- that’s right baby, he’s back- steal the Ark, unaware that there were multiple other people aboard. It’s like they didn’t even check. Galvatron is stowed away, and both Megatron and Ratchet- freshly separated- are stored in stasis pods. Ratchet wakes up and immediately crashes the ship into Canada, hoping to kill the Decepticons aboard. Galvatron lives, only to be trapped under the ice by a nasty fight with Fortress Maximus, the last Autobot left on Earth.

Back on Cybertron, Gridlock has a show of competence and reveals that he had extra ships hidden away, just in case the Decepticons tried anything funny. They get off the planet and go to fight some ‘Cons.

Optimus Prime is brought back from the dead. Hooray.

The Matrix is recreated. Wahoo.

The Autobots fight the Decepticons, defeating them once and for all. Or do they?

No, they don’t.

See, even the notes know what’s up.

Not even a year later, Optimus catches wind of Decepticon forces gathering along the edge of the galaxy. He decides to make Grimlock leader of the Earthforce- because Optimus never friggin’ learns- and they face off against Megatron and friends a few times before the Decepticons abandon Earth altogether. At some point, Fortress Maximus gets killed off. Grimlock disbands the Earthforce to chase the ‘Cons across the galaxy, and finds a Cybertronian empire, which holds at its center Liege Maximo, who claims to have created Megatron.

Well, that’s not exactly right; he claims to be Megatron’s progenitor.

It’s at this point I broke out the TFWiki, because that could mean a lot of things.

Still vague. Hmm. I’m onto you, Marvel comics. Don’t be jumping on the mechpreg just yet, we still have three more pages of notes to get through.

…What did I just say, Marvel comics?

Did I say three pages? I meant two paragraphs. Holy hell, that hits like a punch to the face, it does.

Okay, so this isn’t exactly what you think, believe it or not. This is describing the form of reproduction that was established in the Marvel comics known as budding- some unlucky robot’s body runs away with itself and basically vomits out another fully-formed ‘bot. It’s like their chest was chewing a huge wad of gum, tried to blow a bubble, but did it just a little too hard.

Getting back on track, Optimus Prime finds out about budding from Vector Sigma, but pulls out of their little pow-wow before he can be told about the byproduct of this birthing process- the Swarm, an ink-black cloud of evil energy that left Cybertron ages ago to find something to feed off of.

The Swarm finds its way home, interrupting yet another standoff between the Autobots/Decepticons and the Cybertronian Empire. A lot of folks die, and Optimus surrenders to the Swarm in an attempt to save his compatriots. The Swarm gets introduced to, and I quote: “concepts of nobility, compassion, and sacrifice”, then goes back into deep space to seek enlightenment.

Can you imagine if human afterbirth did that? You just had a baby, and now you have to beat your placenta off with a broom? Then the god-king of the world introduces it to meditation and kindness, and it goes off to find inner peace instead of killing everyone? Comic books are wild.

Other than that funky little aside, it’s business as usual for the Transformers- war! From 1995 to 2003, they’re fighting nonstop. Then the UN decides that Optimus Prime’s allowed to build a giant robot city on Earth. It sure is a good thing Optimus is such a nice guy, because I don’t think they would have been able to stop him otherwise. Imagine telling the thirty-foot tall robot-Jesus from space he needs a permit to build a city in the middle of the desert.

They build the city- Autobot City, in fact- with Metroplex the Titan sealed inside, just in case the Decepticons decide to try anything funny.

They do- it’s called The Transformers The Movie. There’s a slight difference in plot, in that the notes remind us of the fact that Galvatron is a time-traveling ponce, but other than that the movie’s the movie.

To summarize that- though I’d be surprised if I needed to- movie goes like this: It’s the distant future of 2005, ‘Cons attack Autobot City, Optimus gets shot and dies AGAIN, traumatizing thousands of children in the mid-80s, Megatron gets shunted into deep space, meets Orson Welles who makes him a thigh-tastic new body, Megatron-now-Galvatron turns Starscream into a small pile of ash, a bunch of robots get vored, Hot Rod fulfills his destiny and becomes the new space-Jesus, Unicron explodes, YOU GOT THE TOUCH YOU GOT THE POWER-

So after all that happens, the Autobots take back Cybertron and tell the remaining Decepticons to kindly screw off. Hot Rod- now Rodimus Prime- decides he’s not taking any chances and hires a bounty hunter to find and kill Galvatron, who’s off galavanting somewhere in space. Both Rodimus and the bounty hunter follow Galvatron through time- of course- and land in 1987, but return to the future/present empty-handed. While they were gone, Shockwave and a group of Decepticons showed up on Cybertron, resulting in a stalemate between the two factions.

In 2008, the bounty hunter shoots down Cyclonus and Scourge- Rodimus put a hit out on them, too- over the planet of Junk, home of the Junkions. Who else is there? Oh, just Unicron. He’s got the Junkions brainwashed and building him a new body. He uses the bounty hunter to kill Shockwave, instates Cyclonus and Scourge as the new Decepticon leaders, then gets blown up by Rodimus and Wreck-Gar. Cyclonus, Scourge, and the bounty hunter all go through a time portal as this is happening, and the two Transformers end up in 15th century Cybertron, where they’ll become Targetmasters. Their resumes must be very impressive at this point. Nobody’s sure where the bounty hunter’s gotten to- we’ll get back to him later.

Although his physical form has been destroyed, Unicron’s essence lives on inside the Matrix. This can only end well, surely.

Back on Cybertron, Soundwave takes control of the Decepticon forces.

The Quintessons break free from Unicron’s control, just in time to discover that their planet’s about to be torn apart by the space-time rift Cyclonus’ dead body made.

Are you beginning to see why I felt the need to summarize these notes?

The leader of the Quintessons decides that now is the perfect time to attack Autobot City on Earth, as well as Cybertron. This doesn’t go very well for the Quintessons, or their planet.

The time-rift is still causing issues, so Rodimus Prime grabs some Autobots and heads to the past, to go grab everyone’s favorite time-traveling ‘Cons. What happened there we already covered, so I’ll leave it at that.

Rodimus and friends return to the present, only to wind up in a parallel universe, and the fact that this is only the second time I’ve had to write “parallel universe” for this section of the breakdown honestly astounds me. Rodimus gets possessed by the spirit of Unicron, who was hiding in the Matrix as we covered earlier, but he handles it pretty well and they head back home.

Back in their original universe, they find Galvatron, Cyclonus and Scourge, repaired by the space-time rift. Rodimus destroys any and all time machines he can get his hands on at this point- the notes say it’s to keep a promise he made to Optimus, but between you and me, I think he’s just gotten sick of Galvatron’s shit.

A couple years after that, Unicron’s got himself a hot new bod, and now he’s gonna tear up the town. By "tear up”, I of course mean devour with the sole intent of destruction, and by “town", I mean the entirety of Cybertron. Rodimus Prime manages to stop him, by containing him within his body, perhaps his mind? The notes are vague here, but the Wiki seems to imply that he’s trapped within the Matrix again, which Rodimus holds.

Now it’s December 2012, and things aren’t going so great for the Autobots. The Decepticons have control of Cybertron, the remaining Autobots being forced into hiding underground. On Earth, Autobot city is manned by a hundred ‘bots, Ultra Magnus acting as leader. They’re there to make sure Earth’s safe from the ‘Cons, but there hasn’t been an attack in quite a bit.

That’s where the notes end. That’s everything you need to know before reading Eugenesis. So, what did we learn?

We learned that Galvatron and his goons time traveled so frequently they broke the laws of physics. Optimus is just as incapable of staying dead here as he is everywhere else- multiversal constant, that one. Rodimus is smarter than Optimus about confronting the enemy, in that he intends for them to die, either by his hand or one that’s been hired. Good for him, I say. Get the job done, Rodders.

We also learned that the mechpreg really isn’t Roberts’ fault. I mean, yeah, he probably leans on the concept a bit heavily, but he’s just working with what he was given by the franchise. We’ll see how deep that rabbit hole goes later on.

But I think the most important thing to glean from this is that comic timelines are a nightmare. That’s the real lesson here.

Okay! Notes are done! That means we can start on the novel, right?

No.

No, it doesn’t.

We still have the prequel to get through.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball GT Retrospective (5/7)

[Note: I originally wrote this on January 14, 2013.]

The final arc of Dragon Ball GT is one big slap in the face of anyone who held out hope that it would somehow get better.  I remember when Funimation promoted the last round of episodes premieing on Cartoon Network.   "The Shadow Dragons Saga".   That just sounds epic, right?  They couldn't possibly screw that up, right?   I mean, Shadow Dragons have to be awesome, whatever they are.   It's probably a law or something.   Well, someone call the cops, because Toei found a way to take a concept like "Shadow Dragons" and make it suck. 

The story begins with the fallout from the Super 17 Saga.   Goku and his friends gather the Earth's Dragon Balls to repair the damage caused by the Hell portal, but when they find the balls, they're all cracked.   Unsure how to proceed, they decide to summon the Eternal Dragon anyway, and to their horror the whole thing goes pear-shaped.   Smoke billows out of the cracks of the balls, and the dragon that emerges is completely different from the Shenron they usually deal with.   This dragon smokes a big cigar and he mocks the heroes when they ask to make a wish.   The Smoke Dragon then takes the Dragon Balls away and dissipates.   At this point, the Elder Kai contacts Goku and explains what the hell just happened.    The whole issue stems from a throwaway line from the end of Dragon Ball Z.   Then, the Elder Kai disapproved of using the Dragon Balls to revive the victims of Majin Buu.   He trusted the Namekians with the power of the Dragon Balls because they refrained from using them, but he felt that frequent wish-making would interfere in the "natural evolution" of the universe, or something like that.  At the time, everyone just assumed he was being conservative, but this Smoke Dragon is what he had been worried about from the beginning.   The short version is that the Dragon Balls have side-effects.   Each time you make a wish, it introduces bad karma to the balls.  They store the negative energy until they can't contain it any longer, and if that happens they crack and release an evil dragon that can destroy the world.  Normally the safety valve for this is that the Dragon Balls scatter across the planet after each use, and they take centuries to find again, which is plenty of time for the negative energy to dissipate.   But Bulma invented the Dragon Radar, which has allowed her and her friends to gather the Dragon Balls multiple times in a matter of decades.   This latest attempt was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Bulma quickly shifts the blame to Goku, since she never would have been able to gather the Dragon Balls without his help, and Goku decides that the only way to make things right is to go kick some evil dragon ass.  Pan tags along with Giru (the robot who assimilated the Dragon Radar), and that's the status quo for the next several episodes.  The Smoke Dragon separates into seven evil Shadow Dragons, each with a Dragon Ball embedded in his body.  Giru locates them with the radar, Goku fights them for a while, repeat seven times.   As you might have anticipated, I have several problems with this premise.   First, the Dragon Balls aren't some magic talisman that appeared out of nowhere.   Granted, they didn't come with an instruction manual, but over the course of the story, we learn how they were created and how they work.   The Namekians essentially "invented" the art of making Dragon Balls, and the general rule is that a set of balls is only as powerful as its creator allows it to be.   Thus, the Earth's Dragon Balls could resurrect the dead, but they were helpless against Vegeta and Nappa, who were stronger than Kami, their creator.  The Namekian Dragon Balls could grant three wishes, but they could only resurrect one person per wish.   Dragon Balls can also be "transferred" from one creator to another.  When Kami merged with Piccolo, Goku recruited another Namek, Dende, to reactivate his Dragon Balls.   Dende not only accomplished this, but he took requests, and rearranged the wishing power of the Dragon to grant two wishes instead of just one.  As a bonus, you could just make one wish, then come back and make the other four months later instead of waiting a full year.  When Guru, the creator of Namek's Dragon Balls, died, Moori became their new caretaker, and he removed the whole "one resurrection per wish" limitation.   The point I'm trying to make here is that the "technology" of the Dragon Balls is pretty well understood, and while it might seem magical to the uninitiated, experts like Dende, Mr. Popo, and Moori were always happy to answer questions and explain the rules.  So why didn't they ever say anything about the dangers of overuse?   When the Smoke Dragon appears, Mr. Popo mentions how an evil dragon destroyed an entire star system once.   Why didn't he say anything about this before?  Of course, it's not like the good guys used the Balls frivolously.  Most of the time it was kind of an emergency, or a matter of stopping a bad guy from using them first.  But still, at some point they should have come forward and explained the risks.   "Look, we seriously have to stop using the Dragon Balls or else." Second, assuming the Dragon Balls were designed with this limitation in mind, why do they only turn to stone for a single year?   Whoever wrote this episode of GT never considered the fact that the Dragon Balls already had a safety valve in that they can't be used continuously, even if you have the means to re-gather them all.  If the safest course is to use the Dragon Balls only once every 100 years, as Elder Kai says, then why not fix it so the Dragon Balls remain inert for a full 100 years?  This is the same problem I had with the Black Star Dragon Balls destroying the world after each use.   Why would anyone create something so inherently dangerous?   This would be like Sauron forging the One Ring and if he doesn't take it to Mars and polish it exactly seven times on every seventh Thursday it blows up and kills him.  No, that's dumb.   He made it convenient for himself.   If he loses it, it'll find its way back to him.   It's indestructible unless you take it deep within the heart of his own territory.  That's not airtight, but it's pretty safe. I could accept that the Black Star Dragon Balls were a flawed, overpowered creation, but this "negative energy" idea holds that any Dragon Balls are flawed and overpowered.   What good are they if you can only make one wish every century, and there's no one around to enforce that rule? Third, no one ever brings up the Namekian Dragon Balls, which were used almost as often as the Earth's set.  If each wish contaminates the Balls, then a set that grants three wishes a pop should be even more dangerous.   Worse, the Namekian year is roughly one-third of an Earth year, so the Namekian Dragon Balls can be used three times more frequently.  The Namekians themselves had little need for that many wishes, but after the battles with Frieza, Buu, and Baby, they had to use them to help out the people of Earth at least five times.    That's fifteen wishes, dammit.  So where's their evil smoke dragon monster?     No one even attempts to explain this, which just makes the premise that much harder to believe.   I'm not saying Dragon Ball or Dragon Ball Z were free of plot holes, but Akira Toriyama worked pretty hard to establish the rules of the story and keep them straight.  With GT they just do whatever and hope the audience doesn't think about it too hard.   Fourth, why don't they just kill Dende?  The deal is that if the Dragon Balls' caretaker dies, then the Balls and the Dragon both go inert.   Usually this is a obstacle to be overcome, but in GT the Dragon Balls seem to cause more problems than they solve.   Piccolo sacrificed himself to prevent the Black Star Balls from being used again, so why doesn't Dende take one for the team and end this Shadow Dragon crisis before it starts?   Of course, he doesn't have to die, he could just use his power over the Dragon to deactivate it, right?   Again, I could live with this as long as someone on the show offered an explanation why this won't work.   The whole premise seems to hinge on the idea that the negative energy contaminating Shenron is much stronger than the powers of Shenron himself or his creator.   But why should that be?  If the negative energy is a backlash to the energy used to grant wishes, then shouldn't evil Shenron be exactly as powerful as regular Shenron?  He can be despicable and uncontrollable, but physically he's no stronger than before.   King Piccolo killed Shenron with one hit, and Goku's like a million times stronger than that in GT. And yet the Shadow Dragons are strong enough to give a Super Saiyan 4 a hard time.   I can appreciate the poetry of the Dragon Balls themselves being the final boss of the Dragon Ball mythos, but it just doesn't line up with everything we've known about the Dragon Balls leading up to this.  For all the hype, Shenron was never omnipotent, and he's actually pretty fragile when you get down to it.  His main role is to solve problems that can't be fixed with punching or explosions, so putting him in a situation where he has to trade punches with Goku is kind of dumb.   Toei tried to solve this problem by beefing up Shenron, effectively turning him into an unrecognizable set of characters.   Instead of one giant dragon who looks pretty scary, we get seven humanoid-looking goofs who are supposed to be insanely powerful, but most of them just suck.   More than half of the Shadow Dragons are pathetic.  I'm not saying that to insult the concept, I mean they are literally pathetic characters.   Goku shows up and they go all to pieces, mostly for the sake of bad comedy.  Then they use guile and treachery instead of strength, and Goku only wins when he finally stops screwing around.   I suppose this was a deliberate plan to make the Shadow Dragons feel like other groups in Dragon Ball.   Each Shadow Dragon is stronger than the last, and the real challenge is to beat the one at the end.   Fair enough, but why would Shenron divide himself so unevenly?  For that matter, why do the good guys play along with that?   Goku wants to fight them all by himself and no one has a problem with that?   Considering how weak most of the enemies are, they would have been better off sending Goten or Majuub to wipe out some of them while Goku handles the tough ones.   Anyway, the worst part about the Shadow Dragons is that they each get at least one whole episode to show off how much they suck.   The Two-Star Dragon: Funimation gave each Shadow Dragon a name, and they called this one "Haze Shenron" because he deals in pollution.   He's the weakest Dragon, but his pollution powers make his enemies even weaker, so that's why it takes twenty minutes to beat him.   This is dumb, because all the heroes in the show are adept at sensing ki, the life energy everyone uses for shooting fireballs and flying and so forth.   Goku can tell that Haze Shenron is weak just by looking at him, but for some reason he can't sense his own power fading.  Of course, if he'd just destroyed Haze at first sight, he could have avoided the entire issue, but they had to stop and talk to him first.   Haze's weakness is his overconfidence.  Once he has Goku and Pan beaten, he tosses them into a polluted lake, thinking the acidity would corrode their flesh in minutes.   Instead, Giru (who is unaffected by pollution because he's a robot) rescues them and drags them to a cleaner part of the lake.  Not only does this clean water revive them, but they stay down there for like five minutes without drowning.  Now that they have a second chance to beat Haze, they take him out with one hit and recover the Two-Star Dragon Ball.   The Five-Star Dragon: This guy was named "Rage Shenron", which doesn't make sense unless rage has something to do with electricity, which is his power.  Rage looks like a deformed bird fetus, and he controls purple slime that feeds on electricity.  He's not much stronger than Haze, so he uses all of his electric slime to create a giant replica of himself to ride around in.   Goku turns Super Saiyan 4 to fight him, but his attacks are useless against Rage's slime, which can absorb ki blasts and redirect them.   Rage's weakness is his overconfidence.  Once the battle starts going his way, he gathers so much electrical power that his slime body grows to the size of a small town.   Goku and Pan are helpless against him, but fortunately it rains.   Rain short circuits the slime, destroying it, but Rage's body is so large that he can't take shelter.   Goku and Pan literally float in the air and watch the dumbass beat himself because he was too sloppy to check the weather forecast.  Rage makes a fake surrender ploy at the very end, so Goku blows him away with a Kamehameha just for good measure.   The Six-Star Dragon: They called this one "Oceanus Shenron", although he seems to be more of a wind elemental than a water one.   At this point, the continuity starts to get fuzzy, because it seems like Goku and Pan have only been at this for one afternoon, but by the time they track down Oceanus, he's already established himself as a local legend in this fishing town.  His tampering with nature somehow causes fish to fly out of the ocean and onto dry land, and the villiagers gather them up instead of fishing like they're supposed to be doing.   For no apparent reason, Oceanus assumes the form of a green woman called "Princess Oto", but Goku and Pan see through the disguise immediately.  Oceanus mostly spams this one attack, Whirlwind Spin, which resembles a hurricane.  Even though Goku once broke a mountain in half with his bare hands, the air pressure it strong enough to pin him down.   He could power up to Super Saiyan 4, but he doesn't.  I have no idea why.   Oceanus' weakness is his overconfidence.  Pan is too stupid to figure out the flaw in Whirlwind Spin, so a seagull demonstrates it for her.   Like a hurricane, the center of the attack is relatively calm, so if you fly in directly overhead, you can get in a free shot.  Pan hits Oceanus with a Kamehameha, and Goku uses his own for good measure, and that's it.   The Seven-Star Dragon: This one is named "Natron" or "Naturon".  I don't even know what that means, since he's a body thief who digs tunnels.  He hot dogs it for a whole episode just so he can pretend to lose and trick Pan into taking his Dragon Ball.  This allows him to take control of her body, which he uses to become much stronger (his first body was an ordinary mole, so it's a big step up).   Pan's not that strong in Dragon Ball Z terms, but apparently Pan + Natron Shenron is somewhat impressive.   It's kind of hard to tell how strong he is, though, because Goku keeps holding back for fear of killing his grandaughter. Natron's weakness is... his overconfidence.  Goku plays possum near the end, and Natron taunts him by allowing Pan to partially emerge from his body.   Goku yanks her out, leaving Natron stuck in his true form, which is somehow even smaller and crappier than the other three Shadow Dragons we've seen so far.  For some reason Goku's totally cool beating up this sad sack in his SSJ4 form, even though he barely bothered to use it against the other three.  Kamehameha, and we're done.  They spent two episodes on this bullcrap, so I especially hate this one.   The Four-Star Dragon: This one has fire powers, so Funimation named him "Nuova Shenron".   I don't know why they spelled it that way, unless it was for trademark purposes.  They didn't call the Two-Star Dragon "Haiz Shenron" though.   Nuova looks pretty dumb, but compared to the first four he at least looks like a worthy opponent.  He's also the first one who can actually fight worth a damn.   So of course Toei introduces him just as Goku's inexplicably weakened from hunger.   It's not like they're in the middle of nowhere.  Goku could fly back home in a few minutes and grab something to eat in between dragons, so why did he walk into Nuova's turf unprepared?   The result is a whole episode of pointless stalling.  Nuova wants to play cat and mouse with Goku, even though he seems to be able to kill him in a toe-to-toe fight, thanks to his heat powers.  Goku scampers around and whines about how hungry he is, and Nuova calmly walks around looking for him, apparently forgetting that he can a) fly, b) fly at super speed, and c) melt anything in his path.   If Goku punches Nuova, he'll only burn his hand, so the only hope he has is energy blasts, which he can't use because he's too hungry.   Nuova's weakness is sloppy writing.   Even though Goku just got done complaining that he's too weak to fight with energy blasts, he turns around and starts harassing Nuova with energy blasts.  The idea seems to be that he can't land a heavy blow, but he can whittle him down with hit-and-run attacks.  This leads to Goku using the sewers for cover, and when Nuova chases him into the sewer, he's briefly stymied when he runs into a dead end.   Blocking Goku's path is some sort of giant ventilation fan.   He doesn't want to fight Nuova in close quarters, but that fan you guys.  It's turning at speeds exceeding 3rpm.   It must weigh at least twenty pounds, and it's probably made of solid aluminum.  How can Goku possibly get past it?   Well, he digs down deep, and somehow finds the courage and skill to time a perfect jump through this enormous, slow-moving fan that probably wouldn't have hurt him even if he missed.   What's more confusing is that Nuova didn't just shoot him dead while he was waiting for the right moment.  Once they're out of the sewer, Goku then decides to fight Nuova as a Super Saiyan 4, even though he was too weak to do anything else for most of the episode.   Intermission: Now, in the midst of all this, Vegeta's back at home having a midlife crisis.   This is probably the best episode of Dragon Ball GT, simply because it's roughly 50% flashbacks of cool scenes from DBZ.   Vegeta's frustrated because he hasn't gotten to do anything for the whole series, mainly due to the fact that he never advanced beyond Super Saiyan 2, while Goku is two levels above that.   He wants to help round up the Shadow Dragons, but Bulma warns him he'll die.   Look, maybe he's not the strongest guy on the block anymore, but I'm pretty sure Vegeta could have taken out the first four Shadow Dragons, and I'm really sure he could have blasted apart that ventilation fan that stymied Goku.  Also, Pan's a lot weaker than Goku and she managed to stay alive this long.   Anyway, Bulma figures out how to turn Vegeta into a Super Saiyan 4 so he can join the battle.   I'm kind of surprised it took this long for them to try it, since her plan is to just use the same technology that turned Vegeta into a Golden Great Ape during his possession by Baby.   Cleansed of Baby's contamination, Vegeta can repeat the process, and jump from Golden Ape to SSJ4, the same way Goku did.   Come to think of it, Vegeta could have just undergone the same procedure Goku used to grow his tail back.  It's been like a year since SSJ4 was discovered, so it's not like he hasn't had time to work on that.  What sucks about this episode is that they spend the entire time teasing SSJ4 Vegeta, but we don't get to see it until several episodes later.   The Three-Star Dragon: While Nuova Shenron fights SSJ4 Goku in a halfway decent battle, his comrade "Eis Shenron" shows up and interferes.  See, he has ice powers, so Eis=Ice, or something.   The gag with Eis Shenron is that he's Nuova's brother, and while Nuova's been teasing a face turn during his battle with Goku, Eis is a cowardly opportunist.   He uses Pan as a human shield, has no qualms about using dirty tricks to win, and when Nuova refuses to help him, he feigns surrender and blinds Goku with a.... You know, actually, I have no idea how Eis blinded Goku.  He's on his knees surrendering, he surreptitiously dips his fingers into a frozen puddle on the ground, and then he swipes at Goku's face.  The implication is that Goku's eyes have been poisoned somehow.   I mean, is it poison ice? That doesn't make a lot of sense.  And yet, afterwards, Goku washes his eyes out with water, and Nuova gives him a small bottle of "antidote" (where did he get it?).  So I don't think we're talking about frostbitten corneas or whatever.  The point is that Goku spends the next four episodes or so with his eyes shut.   Eis' weakness is that Goku can kick your ass with his eyes shut.  He stupidly assumes that blinding Goku "halves" his strength.   Except Goku can sense his enemies' ki, so he can still fight just as effectively without looking.   This has been demonstrated countless times in the past, so I don't know why Toei would pretend to ignore this years later.   Eis and Nuova are supposed to be the strongest enemies Goku has encountered to date, but they fight like amateurs.  Goku punches a hole in Eis' body and follows up with Super Dragon Fist, which would have been satisfying if he hadn't waited so long to use it.   Nuova Shenron decides to withdraw, feeling that it would be wrong to fight Goku until he regains his sight.   I find Nuova's change of heart ridiculous.  The Shadow Dragons entire reason for being is to destroy the world.   When Goku meets him, it's in the ruins of a city he presumably attacked and destroyed.  He claims to have a code against hurting innocents or the defenseless, except he's made from evil energy and his ultimate goal is to destroy the world.  Goku never questions him about this apparent conflict of interest, and it doesn't really matter because Nuova gets killed before it really becomes an issue.   Just as he gives Goku the antidote to Eis' blinding attack, both he and the medicine are cut down by.... The One-Star Dragon: This guy doesn't have any elemental powers, so Funimation just called him "Syn Shenron".   He's easily the strongest one, which begs the question of why he didn't just come after Goku from the start.  He no-sells all of Goku's attacks, and leaves him battered and unconscious.  Seems like a winner, right?   Syn's weakness is GT Logic.  Just when all seems lost, Goku's family and Trunks show up to help him.   Gohan, Goten, and Trunks agree that they're not strong enough to fight alongside Goku, but they plan to donate their energy to Goku so he can recharge to full power.  Majuub tries to hold off Syn Shenron, but to no avail.  Despite the fact that Syn dominated a Super Saiyan 4, the boys manage to hold him off long enough.   So if they can do that, why can't they just fight Syn directly?  And if they really are no match for Syn, how are their combined powers sufficient to re-energize Goku?  Of course, this whole paradox is just a retread of the last time SSJ4 Goku needed a recharge, back when he was fighting Baby.   Goku insists on taking more energy from the boys than is safe to use, because he needs extra juice to cope with Syn's power.   This is irritating, because it really isn't clear what the risks are in this situation.  Gohan and the others are no worse for wear, in spite of giving "all" their energy to Goku, and Goku doesn't seem to get much stronger for the boost.  It's just a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.  Goku does manage to get the upper hand on Syn, although it seems less like Goku is stronger and more like Syn just overdosed on stupid pills.  Even though we've established that Goku can fight just as effectively while blind, Syn still tries to exploit the weakness by throwing a clockface from a tower at him.   Goku then blows him away with a Kamehameha-Super Dragon Fist combination.   The only catch is that it doesn't get the job done.  Though beaten, Syn absorbs the other six Dragon Balls, transfoming into "Omega Shenron", the final final boss of Dragon Ball GT.   Hoo-boy. NEXT: The Omega Glory

[toxikbubblegum]

May Reading Wrap Up

I'm actually really proud of myself. I finished 13 books last month. Spent a lot of extra time away from screens and focusing on my mental health so I burned through way more than I normally would. So anyways, here's my reviews. - Also please understand that these are just my opinions and if I shit on your favorite book I'm sorry that I didn't enjoy it as much as you. Also, also Im terrible with character names.

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor ⭐⭐⭐

I actually started this book at the end of April but didn't finish it til May 1st so whatever, here it is. This books is a YA urban fantasy novel about a girl with a double life. She spends half her days studying art in Europe and the other half running errands for a tooth collecting wish monger. I don't want to say a whole lot more because I dont want to spoil anything important about the plot. So, I'll try to be vague. Let me start by saying this story is amazing. I loved the writing and the world. I rated it so low solely because I can't stand the two main characters and it really dragged down what would have otherwise been an amazing novel. So yeah, great book but its a preference thing. Also took points off for the insta-love but not really insta-love shit. Idk. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this read even a month later. Gonna read the second to see if maybe my hatred of the two mains was just a fluke.

3/5 Stars

Spellbound by Rachel Hawkins

⭐⭐⭐

This is the third book in the Hex Hall trilogy. Not much to say about it. It was a meh ending to an overall pretty good series. 3/5 stars. Moving on.

The Wicked Deep by Shea Ernshaw

⭐⭐⭐

Realizing now how many of my reads this month were pretty middle of the world. Hopefully next month will be filled with 4 and 5 stars. Anyways, this book was honestly a struggle for me to finish and Im not sure why. It's a YA mystery magical realism story about a tiny coastal town that is cursed by the spirits of 3 sisters who were suspected of witchcraft and drowned 2 centuries prior. Because of this, every year the sisters return from the sea to take the lives of teenage boys by luring them to the sea. We follow the life of kind of meh and standard YA girl #1. She meets a strange non tourist boy and hires him to work in the lighthouse her family owns. Her dad randomly disappeared years ago and her mom is a loon. So yeah... I dont know. I kind of felt like this story was hot garbage in places. I usually dont have any trouble with the suspense of disbelief in magical realism stories but this one just had too many plot holes. Like, I get morbid stuff becomes tourist attractions but why wouldn't someone have stepped in and evacuated the town if at least 3 teenage boys die there EVERY SINGLE YEAR without fail? I honestly feel like the FBI or some other government agency would have cleared the place out after the first 20 or so deaths. There was also the whole MC can see the ghosts of the girls possessing people but chooses not to tell anyone? Like, I get it. You dont want people to label you a freak or think you're crazy but come the fuck on. You live in a tourist trap where people flock to watch local teenage males wash up on shore and you really think the authorities arent going to take you up on the help? It wasn't an awful book by any means. It was well written and extremely descriptive. Just had major beef with some of the details. Anyways, I wont say much more so I don't spoil the whole book.

3/5 Stars

An Enchantment of Ravens by Maragret Rogerson

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Finally, I get to talk about one of my favorite reads of the month. I love anything to do with the Fae in my YAfiction and this was literally everything I wanted in a Fae novel. It takes place in a town called Whimsy, a humanish town in the world of Faerie. The fae cannot do any Craft, or what we would consider craftsmanship. Art and humans who can do it well are very precious in this world because the Fae can't ever do it themselves. We follow the adventures of a girl who has been commisioned to paint the portrait of the Autumn King and the chaos that ensues. Let me just start by saying this is one of those insta-love situations where I feel like it's genuinely ok. I might be making excuses because I loved the title so much but whatever. It's explained and I accept it. Also, I realize that Gadfly had a lovely description but my brain willl not let me picture him as anything but Mr.Waternoose from Monsters Inc.

5/5 Stars

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

⭐⭐⭐

This book started out so good and went downhill very quickly. It follows the story of these two magicians who were fated by their Master's to one day fight to the death. There were so many things I loved about this book only for the last 100 pages to just take a firey dump on my face. I loved the setting and the majority of the characters. The supporting characters were so deep and interesting that I almost cared more about them than I did Ceilia and Marko (Im proabably wrong and I dont feel like googling but I think that was his name) . I don't know. I don't want to complain about anymore meh books.

3/5 Stars

Matched by Allie Condie

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Went into this book expecting to hate it. I usually don't like contemporary love stories but this had major City of Ember meets The Giver vibes and it just appealed to that 14 year old girl in me again. That seems to happen with a lot of dystopian utopia stories. Anyways, story is about a girl who lives in this town where when you hit a certain age you are brought to a place and told who the government has chosen for you to marry. She is matched with her life long best friend and all is well. Except that her little Get To Know Your New Husband microship thing showed her two guys instead of just one. And lots of bullshit ensues. I honestly think I rated this so high because I enjoy the world and not so much whats actually happening to the kids. Like, I loved the idea that art is harmful so the government chose 100 acceptable pieces and thats all these people know. I loved the brutality of the government in general. I can't say much more without spoiling some of the twists but geez did it have me hooked. I'm going to be started the second one soonish, though my TBR for June has gotten intense so we will see.

4/5 stars

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I cannot say enough good things about this book. It is so fucking good! Not going to rant about it or anything because y'all just need to go read it immediately.

5/5 stars

Would give it every star in the sky if Im being completely honest.

Reign of the Fallen by Sarah Glenn Marsh

⭐⭐

Got sucked into this book by the cover and honestly that was the best part of this book. Its about this world where necromancy is pretty highly regarded and used to resurrect the royals after they die. The only downside is that if a living person ever lays eyes on the resurrected person's skin then they turn into these horrible monsters. Maybe it's just me but like that absolutely does not seem worth the risk. Plus, in order to bring the person back, these reapers have to go into the death world and bring the spirit back. And it's HELLA DANGEROUS. So like, WHY? Anyways, there is this stupid underlying love story that I absolutely wasn't invested in. This just all around was not a good book.

2/5 stars

Monster High by Lisi Harrison

⭐⭐

Little known fact~ I'm obsessed with Monster High and Ever After High. So yeah, I realize this wasn't targeted to me as an adult but even going into it with an open mind I was disappointed. Granted I didn't read the description of the book prior. I just saw this franchise I love and grabbed it. First, if you are a fan of the mini series and the movies do not read this. It doesnt follow the cinematic canon and I think that was my biggest problem with it. Frankie's character was all wrong and I hated the whole"Normy" cast. Was really excited for these but I definitely won't be continuing the series. I don't even want to torture myself with seeing how they manage to ruin my sweet baby Draculara.

2/5 stars

Unhinged by AG Howard

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I can't say enough good things about this series. This is the second book in the trilogy and it was a fanatstic bridge book. It had me engrossed through the entire audiobook. Morpheus is still everything. If you loved Splintered I would highly reccomend continuing.

5/5 stars

Truthwitch

⭐⭐

Have had this on my TBR for a while because of how many Booktubers have hyped the series. Buy, was I disappointed. I was soooooooooo bored. Maybe it's because I don't really enjoy this type of fantasy or maybe it was just the slower paced story but I just slugged through this book. Both of the main female characters were bland to me and I didn't care about their friendship. The world was cool but not enough to keep me invested. Just wasn't my cup of tea.

2/5 stars

Paranormalcy by Kiersten White

⭐⭐⭐

Picked this up because of how much I loved The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein and it didn't meet my expectations. It follows this girl who works for a paranormal gorvenment group. She has a special ability that makes her really useful to them so they are trying to groom her basically. They capture this changeling and she befriends him and there is an overarching plot that I just didn't get invested in. The friendship between the two main characters was pretty much the only thing that I enjoyed in this title. The mother figure was insufferable and I just didn't really understand the whole org that they worked for in general. Not an awful book but not fantastic.

Solid 3/5 stars.

The Siren by Kiera Cass

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Going to preface this by saying I might be biased. I love Kiera Cass and have enjoyed almost everything she has written. That said, this wasn't nearly as good as The Selection series but it was a pretty good stand alone novel. It about a girl who becomes a siren on her deathbed and spends the next 100 years serving the sea by luring people to their deaths. After doing this for 70 years, she falls in love and pretty much ruins everything. Loved the characters, especially the male lead. The insta love was a little pet peeve of mine but the love interest was so sweet and genuine that I was willing to overlook it. Pretty good read if you dig supernatural romance.

4/5 stars

June holds the Ghibli-a-thon but also lots of holidays for my family so we will see how much I actually get read. So far my tentative TBR is 5 books but we will see where the days take me.

[hellanoragami-blog]

Chapter 80 Thoughts

The next month is here. Honestly, reviewing this chapter kind of leaves my thoughts all over the place, particularly about both Father and Yukine. I’ll try to get this somewhat organized, though.

Starting from the first part, Yukine is woken up by Kofuku, who he temporarily confuses for Nora. Once the situation becomes apparent, however, Yukine is up almost immediately to check on Nora who has mysteriously vanished from the futon she’d made up.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, it’s very likely that she woke up early and fled upon seeing Take and his crew there. Yukine did tell her before that the man would probably have her killed, so she’d know it’s unsafe.

At the worst, she is still playing Father’s game and went to meet him for a status report.

The scene changes over to Hiyori, who is still pretty troubled about where she left off with Yato. I believe she’s having doubts about her involvement with Yato, if only subtly. Life has her distracted and unable to go to him, and the confrontation with Kazuma before is obviously leaving her hesitant towards further confrontation.

Honestly not much to comment on here, save for my own worry over whether or not her belief will soon wane. Given the troubled and almost vacant expression she’s wearing for the cover of volume 20, it seems likely that we’ll see her attempt to hold onto Yato’s memory become increasingly difficult.

In fact, if we really want to stretch the possibility, we could say that this is Father’s intention, for Hiyori to forget. He knows very well that Yato’s busy, and with Yukine preoccupied with Nora, that means that there is a big chance that Yukine isn’t currently talking to Hiyori at all, or spending any time with her.

With no interaction between either of them, Hiyori’s memory really will rely on her willpower alone. Given that, it would make sense for this to be a part of Father’s plan, since he could use that against Yato. With Hiyori out of the picture, Yato won’t have anyone else to rely on besides his supposed lifeline. Making Hiyori forget obviously isn’t the Biggest Plan™, obviously, but it does seem to be a stepping stone in it. (I’m guessing he had to change plans when Nora became a sort of tracking device to hunt him down, lol.)

 We’re next given a look at Yato and Kazuma’s situation, if only briefly. Their teamwork seems to be getting better, but it’s still wildly out of sync and messy. To be efficient, a shinki and their master practically need to be one body, one mind to know exactly what to do in battle.

It’s clear that Yato and Yukine both know each other’s mannerisms and are able to predict each other’s actions, and that’s what makes them an almost unshakable force. Yato and Kazuma simply don’t have this type of bond, but that isn’t to say that they wouldn’t be able to come close if they continue working on it.

I’m happy to see that Kazuma seems to be calming down and getting his head back on his shoulders, as well. He’s not making any wild, spontaneously solo actions, so Yato’s influence may actually be the medicine he needs to become stabilized, haha. His worry for Bishamon doesn’t seem to be getting in the way of his actual ability to perform, at least. With this, I believe that he and Yato have the potential to become a good team, even if it wouldn’t amount to what Yato has with Yukine.

Boy, speaking of Yukine! The scene is brought back to him, and it’s clear he’s gone looking for Nora. While overlooking the river, he notices a little girl stop to look at him. Upon asking her what’s wrong, she tells him that she’s looking for her uncle. Assuming she’s lost, Yukine follows her in attempts to help her find who she’s looking for. The girl soon gets sidetracked by a cat, and dashes into a tunnel after it. Although uneasy about entering it, Yukine bravely pushes past his fear to go make sure that she’s safe.

I’d kill for a light to see how exactly this tunnel is laid out, but that’s not really important for me to know, I guess. It goes from Yukine peering into another part of the tunnel, to suddenly seeing the bits of memory that was shown back in chapter 70. Yukine suddenly finds it incredibly hard to breathe, and is suddenly seeing more bits and pieces of the moments leading up to his death. The space he was in made it difficult to move, but the last thing he saw before that darkness was his father.

Saying... something to him.

I don’t know exactly what it was, but fast-moon did think it to be parting words like, ‘See ya’. I can’t decide if Adachitoka were trying to put emphasis on the mouth movements for pronunciation purposes, or if they were trying to convey some hot, hot anger. Personally, I think it could be both. They’ve done the pronunciation thing before back in chapter 36, when Nora was saying ‘Yaboku’. 

Could he actually be saying part of Yukine’s name, then? It’s difficult to say, since the next piece of dialogue is silenced. But it’s inferred that two things are said, so ultimately it isn’t likely. (I did entertain the thought of his first and last name being said, but that’s a theoretical story for a different post all on it’s own.)

Anyway, Yukine is broken out of the spell by hearing Yato call his name. Most likely an illusion, since Yato isn’t actually there. It works well enough to pull him out of it though, and he manages to destroy the ayakashi on his own--and even collapses part of the tunnel in the process! It tends to happen when his nerves run high. Glorious light! Unfortunately, there’s a not-so-nice surprise waiting up top.

Papa! :D

Pffft, anyway, it’s confirmed that the girl is one of Fujisaki’s three nieces. Father is then sectioned off by one of Yukine’s border lines, and a question showdown happens that lead to more questions than answers.

He claims to be a human--one that chose not to live as a normal person. (Or, lead a normal life like the heavens intended.) That he ‘returned from the underworld, and because he was resurrected, he was called all sorts of things’. He goes on to say that heaven can’t categorize him.

He mentions that he lives and dies as someone outside of his control. The most interesting bit about this is that he possesses the soul; not the body. Characteristically, we have been shown that for a God to possess a person, they either need permission or a strong bond. But it’s implied that only the body is possessed. So what could it mean for a soul to be possessed? Does that mean that Father and Fujisaki’s souls combined into one? Or did Father simply become Fujisaki’s soul? Does he spend his whole life as someone else, or does he end up possessing someone who is already alive?

Perhaps he’s inferring reincarnation; I don’t know if Japan follows a different principle, but typically, when a person is reincarnated, the soul forgets their past lives. Could it be that Father simply is, and has always been Fujisaki Kouto in this life? Perhaps he’s simply carried an awareness of who he is and what he’s done with him, through various lives that he’s lived. For this to even be a thing, it would mean that Fujisaki never was a normal person from the moment he returned from the underworld. It would also mean that Father really is something that can’t be classified as ‘human’, or even ‘God’. To remember everything is possibly much worse than to remember nothing... Jeez. It’d be no wonder he’s so bitter.

He implies that he escaped from the underworld via a soul call, but says Amaterasu wouldn’t permit a human to return like that. Could it be that his punishment was for the heavens to take the life of the girl that he loved? I don’t doubt his information, but I do think he’s withholding a lot. Why, I don’t know.

And we won’t know! Because Yukine is angry and doesn’t want to hear it. :) His emotions ramp up again, causing his borderline to become stronger. He basically goes off on Father for not... being a good father? But then something just snaps inside of him, and he says something that he doesn’t seem to have full control over--or, at least he isn’t thinking before he speaks. In fact, that level of anger literally came out of nowhere. He even vocalizes this. Father seems pretty shocked by it, as well. Then Yukine calms down, and says that he doesn’t want to fight.

And Father, in the coy, evasive way that he does, says that he won’t do anything anymore. Yeah, he won’t. But who will? He still has a plan. You can see it on his face. He then thanks Yukine for being worried about Nora, and that it was probably the right call to let her go. But then he sets the ball into motion, so to speak, by telling Yukine that he’d rather not get her involved; that she died a terrible death. And what a sly expression he’s wearing. Even if he seems to wave him off cheerfully, he clearly has less-than-pure intentions.

It cuts to Yato, who’s being effected by the sudden feelings that Yukine is undergoing. Was it because of when he snapped? Or is it because of what Father told him? He makes the silent vow to be back soon.

Back to Yukine, the kids’ mom comes to get them, and Yukine wonders how Father knows how Nora died. Then, he begins to think: How did he die? Since it was just a choice of words, there’s no way to know how quickly things will progress from here. Will he be in and out like Tsuguha was? Or will it be immediately desperate to know, like how Sakura was? Either way, it seems as though this is the turning point for Yukine’s development.

Perhaps Nora will be the one who ends up having to deal with it. I’m partial to think it’ll happen a bit quickly, due to the fact that he’s already been seeing the same bits of his death. I think when it actually happens, it will be all kinds of messy and devastating--but he’ll survive it. He’s a tough kid. I just wish--or at least hope--that Yato would be there to help him when it happens.

[accidentally-logince]

Guardian Angel - Prologue

Summary: Virgil, sick of always dying and being resurrected again, decides to finally work out a way to end it for good. The only problem- he left Patton alone and depressed. Virgil makes it his goal to keep Patton alive until the time comes for him to join Virgil in the land of the dead. High School AU (kind of)

There will be a summary of the Prologue at the start of the first chapter. This happens to be one of the worst parts of the story in terms of subject matter, the rest of the story is much more tame. If you still want to read the story, there will be summaries of the more graphic chapters so that you aren’t required to read them. (I’d say there are maybe 3 or 4 graphic chapters in the whole story, out of at least 20 parts)

Warnings: Suicide mention, blood, food mention, Deceit (the character), mentions of cheating, self-harm mentions, death mention, swearing, minor mention of eating disorder 

Word Count: 2.5k (Totally short enough to be a Prologue, guys)

Pairings: Royality, future Moxiety

(This story does have some of the Sanders Shorts characters in it. There are recognizable ones like Remy/Sleep, but there are also more obscure ones. You don’t need to know the characters to understand the story)

---

I learned something today. 

An immortal can die without being killed by another immortal. 

It wasn't easy. But it's possible. And I plan on testing it out tonight. I already made the deal, and this is the perfect night to do it, because no one else will be around to watch. 

The city is usually quiet in the night. I don't expect to see cars all over the place. Maybe every hour or so there'll be some out-of-towners that are driving through, but pretty much everyone who lives here is either at the school watching the football game or sitting on their asses staring at their TVs. Which means that I'm stuck wandering around for awhile.

Around ten, headlights in the distance pierce through the darkness. A grin tugs at my mouth, and I slowly pull my hands out of my sweater pockets as the bus gets closer. While it technically won't matter in the end, some part of me says that I have to time this perfectly.

I don't remember exactly when I start running, only that one second I was on the sidewalk, and the next I was in the line of fire of the bus. I lift my arm, the cuts under my jacket protesting at the movement, while the bus driver freaks out in his seat. My hand opens quickly, and a pulse shoots out around me. The bus stops, the driver mid-scream, and my breathing is heavy. It worked.

I look up. The clouds are still. None of the stars twinkle. The full moon is clear. I'm the only thing that moves. I can't help giving a little laugh of relief. If this part worked, then, with luck, I'll be dead by the end of the night.

For a few seconds, I just grin up at the bus, breathing heavily as I put my hands back into my pockets. Then I turn around and walk down the street, leaving the frozen bus behind me.

---

The school is barely lit up, since the game is outside on the field. When I push the door open, only the front lobby has its lights on, and there are tables with food on them. And, of course, who do I see there but Demitri, frozen in time just like the bus, leaning against the table with a plastic cup in one hand. 

Over the last few years, Dee has become infamous around town. I've seen evidence of him putting up graffiti all around the city, but he's tagged just about every surface in the school at least once. It's not uncommon to come into school and see his name plastered on your locker. 

He's been suspended no less than twenty times, and it's a mystery why he hasn't been expelled yet. The rumour being spread is that his family is paying the school, and I wouldn't doubt it— Dee is the richest kid in school, and he's a total spoiled brat. I still wonder why we hang out with him.

I start to make my way out to the field, but before I reach the door, I turn back around and nail Demitri's frozen form right in the nuts. 

"I hope you break the table when you fall over, asshole." Without any sound around, my voice is clear. I hope he hears it in his head when everything unfreezes. I hope someone comes in and finds him with chocolate spilled all over his stupid coat, and all the damn food on the floor. 

Outside, the stands are packed. I always wondered why everyone cared so much about the school sports teams. Honestly, none of us were really good. Maybe Roman, if anyone

Speaking of Roman...

I scan the crowd, looking for the letterman jacket—in all the years we'd been friends, I don't think any of us ever changed our wardrobes. I find Remy Delacore, glaring up at someone behind him. I follow his gaze to find Roman in the fourth row, with his arm around Patton, leaning back in his seat.

Was it really any surprise that Roman and Patton had gotten together? They'd been "best friends" forever. They were inseparable, especially now. They literally never left each other's side. Every night, they would either be at Roman's house or Patton's, laying asleep on the couch with the TV on in front of them.

Roman had cheated on Remy with Patton for three months before he found out. Remy was quick to break up with him after that, and if you'd been anywhere near Roman for the next few weeks, all you would hear about was how much of a relief it was for Rem to finally be out of the picture. It got really annoying really quick. I'm glad it stopped after a month. 

But it isn't Roman I'm worried about. It's Patton.

Sometimes, I wonder if his relationship with Roman is just a way to keep him feeling important. Patton is... he's not really a happy kid, to put it lightly. I always felt like I connected with him the most because of that. He never talks about it with anyone else but me. Demitri for obvious reasons, but he doesn't want Roman to worry about him, either.

He's showed me the cuts on his arms and legs, and—for a little while— his ribs that you could see through his skin if he pulled up his shirt. I'd eventually been able to talk with him enough that he eats regularly, but it still seems that almost every day he'll bump into something and wince, rubbing at his arms. I feel bad for him, hypocritical as that may be. Twice now, I've stolen bottles of pills from his room so he couldn't use them.

"Virgil. Come on. You know it won't stop if I keep going."

"No. Think of Roman. What would this do to Roman? And me. I'd miss you too, Pat. We'll both wish we'd done more."

"Roman... He'll eventually realize that things are better without me. And you already know I can't stop."

"I don't care. I'll help you get better even if it takes a lifetime. You're more important than a lot of people, Patton. Don't you forget that."

I don't think he ever realized that I was talking about myself.

The bright lights on the field blind me when I look away from the bleachers, and I turn back to the school. 

I pass Dee in the lobby again, and I sit down on the steps with my chin in my hands. I flip him off, my arms once again crying out in pain. I roll up my sleeve. X's and lines litter my skin. They only really sting when I move my arm a lot. It feels... unfitting for tonight. I push myself up, rolling down my sleeve, and make my way down the dark hallway, running my hand against the wall.

The door to the home ec room isn't locked, and I flick the lights on to find the kitchens still a mess. No one cared enough to clean up after class, I guess. I walk into one of the tiny kitchens, opening the knife drawer and pulling out the biggest blade I can find.

---

I leave the home ec room with freshly bleeding gashes. I untie my sweater from around my waist— I hadn't wanted it in the way— and pull it over my arms. It immediately starts to stick to me, drenching in blood quickly. 

A gash on my forehead drips down toward my eye, and I close it just as the drop of blood runs down to my cheek. My depth perception is a little fucked up now, but I don't wipe the blood away. I let it dry, sticking my eye shut loosely.

The bathroom lights don't flicker on automatically when I push the door open, and I feel around for the switch before making my way to the sinks. I place my hands onto the counter and lean forward, staring myself down in the mirror. The sink below me is full of water, with a wad of tissue clogging up the drain. A drop of blood falls into the pool and swirls around before settling at the bottom. 

Seeing my face covered in blood secures me, as strange as that may seem. I think it's the certainty it gives me. I'm still somehow human. I can bleed. I can feel pain. Oh, god, can I feel the pain. A collection of stinging and throbbing and the heat coming from the exposed skin. It's really therapeutic. 

I laugh out loud. This is how a psychopath thinks, right? 

But I think I've put this off long enough. 

I leave the bathroom, shutting the light off behind me. I leave the lobby, kicking Demitri in the nuts once more for good measure. 

It's weird to be outside and not feel at least a little bit of cold wind nipping at my ears. I raise my arm up, the cuts screaming at me, and feel no air passing between my fingers. It's still cold out though; the temperature isn't affected by the time stopping.

I find the bus again. The driver's eyes are still wide open. It's weird to think that for him, no time at all has passed. For Roman and Patton and Dee, I was never at the school. When I lift my hand again, they won't know that they were frozen. It's still 10:07. It's been 10:07 for almost two hours now.

I stand right in front of the bus. It hadn't slowed down enough before I stopped it. My hand balls into a fist. This better work. If I wake up in my bed, free of pain, my skin clear... I'm going to lose it.

I gave that demon a lot of shit for my death.

My hand raises up again and the pulse from before rewinds itself, running back towards me as the bus starts moving. It hits me almost immediately, and I'm thrust backwards, my head smashing against the pavement. 

---

I lift my head, pushing myself up in rage at the lack of pain in my limbs, until I look down.

I thought I'd woken up in my bed, but I see a body below me, eyes closed, blood seeping out onto the road as the bus driver runs out of his seat to come to its side. I float up, away from the body, and can feel the rise and fall of wings carrying me up by my command.

My wings.

My body.

My blood.

I'm dead.

Of course I've been in this state before. I'll wake up and rise up on angel wings, away from my dead body. I usually have to actually wait until morning before I wake up in bed, so only time will tell if I stay dead. I don't want to jinx myself, but I float down, right next to the driver's ear.

"Thank you," I whisper, and I fly off as he looks around.

But I know he can't see me.

---

The sun rises, and still I'm in the sky. My wings are still on my back. I stand right in front of the crowd of kids walking into the school, and none of them acknowledge me. In fact, a lot of them walk straight through me.

I sit down in my usual seat in class. It'll be fun to watch the day without having to do anything. The morning announcements play, and the teacher starts to ramble on about... something. I don't really care enough to pay attention. I notice Patton casting glances at my seat. He's probably wondering where I am.

I'm right here.

But I'm not, at the same time. I smile. Isn't this fun?

"Demitri Maverik, Logan Crofter, Roman Prince, and Patton Meadows to the Principal's office."

They start to stand up, Logan looking especially worried. I might as well follow them. They're my friends after all. Besides, I think I might know why they're being called. 

There are four seats in front of Principal Woodfield's desk. Of course, no one could have known I would be here, so I just stand behind Patton, leaning against the door.

"Boys... I'm sure you noticed the absence of your friend Virgil in class this morning."

"Not really," Demitri says, rolling his eyes. I see Patton fiddling with the zipper on his coat, looking down at his lap. I take a step forward and put my hand on his shoulder. I hope he can feel it, at least a little bit. Out of everything, I think I feel the worst about leaving Patton.

"Well... um... he was found in the street this morning..." Woodfield starts, her eyes darting around. She's trying to stall, but Roman catches on quickly.

"Found?" he asks. "Do you mean, like... like was he passed out?" Okay, maybe not so quickly.

"No, he was... well, he was... dead, boys."

Patton's head shoots up. "What?"

"I'm sorry boys. He was hit by a bus last night."

"No. No, you're lying," Patton says. Tears well up in his eyes, but he tries to smile. It's weak. "You're joking. Dee payed you or something. Virgil's gonna... he's gonna jump out... a-and say 'gotcha' or something..." He looks around desperately, trying to find me.

I'm right here!!!

I walk out in front of him and hug him as he cries. I hope he can feel me hugging him. I hope he can understand I'm still here. I hope, I hope, I hope...

Roman leans over and puts his arms around Patton as well. Dee scoffs beside us and mutters something about "get a room". Across the room, Logan has gone still, no doubt trying to process the information. I want to console him too, so I stretch one of my wings out and stroke his cheek. He lifts his hand to his cheek, holding it to the spot where my wing is touching him. If I relax my eyes enough, I can even make it look like he's grabbing the edge of it. Like he knows it's there.

I realize all at once that this is what's best. For everyone.

Just because I'm dead doesn't mean that I can't still be around them. They just won't know that I'm here. But I know now more than ever that I need to protect them. I have to make sure that they know I still care. I'll figure out a way to make sure they know. I think I can do that better now than when I was alive.

Not everyone is meant to be alive. Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made so that someone gets their Guardian Angel. 

---

My Other Fics

Tag List: @thelogicalloganipus @monikastec @misstallip @aikogumi @pastel-patton123 @caffeinated-casper @confinesofpersonalknowledge @phoenix-galaxies @well-love-has-failed-me @theresneverenoughfandoms @lilbit-gay @emi-loves-them @logicaltimeink @never-ending-sufferage @lunareclipse-524

[naruhearts]

13x20: “I don’t care what happens to me”-- Dean Worthless Winchester, John Winchester’s Death and Destiel

Oh my god!

I gotta say, 13x20 was an ANGSTY FEELSY amalgamation of meta and foreshadowing for the Big Finale Triad of 21, 22, and 23. It laid down S5 tones, key themes, and narrative direction, hoo boy!!! 

I’m sorry I posted late! Time-of-month sickness was an interruption, yikes.

I’d like to start with the Dean & Sam final scene, then talk about the major culminating implications this Father-centric episode specifically holds for our beloved protagonist Dean Winchester the shackled child — the Man behind the Mask (which S13 has been a gigantic narrative mirror of) — and the Destiel narrative/Cas in relation to Dean’s arc and character disposition *rubs hands together*

Glynn & Co made Dean’s axel-swinging between communication and miscommunication pretty clear to me in the last scene of 13x20, especially regarding the dialogue that people thought was character regression into Brodependency.

After sleeping on it, I didn’t see the same scale of toxic codependency from seasons ago a la ‘there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you.’ It wasn’t mutual. I saw it as: 1. more from Sam’s end, and 2. Dean’s willingness to protect his loved ones (Sam and CAS, in bold) combined with letting go and the textual acknowledgement of his low self-worth carrying over from 13x05 (the low self-worth he internalized across 99.6798% of his life course).

Firstly, Dabb’s subverting S5. 

He put independent Dean in S5 independent Sam’s shoes here, and it’s surely not a coincidence that Dean himself referenced their implosive S5 Michael-Lucifer mess: “Where we were last time we had front row seats”. S5 exhibited Dean’s Holding On vs Sam’s Letting Go, with lost Dean crawling to Lisa’s door and yeah, we know how that prickly-edged story went. It’s finally Dean Letting Go vs Sam Holding On. It’s indicative of S13 faithless Grieving!Sam re: Mary/Jack seeking his own emancipation and finding real introspective purpose away from the codependent strings he’s clinging to. We heard Sam’s “If we die, we die together”. Don’t fret, his current arc is constructed to get rid of this kind of thinking and move towards Faith!

Dean’s prepared to cut the codependent strings — already has via 12x22, and then in 13x05 (albeit in a suicidal grief-ridden manner. Speaking of, 13x20 this time shifted focus to Sam’s risk-taking re: Lucifer and the Apocalypse in itself. Unsurprisingly, we already witnessed this narrative train running in reverse -- early S13 Grieving!Dean and Functioning Sam swapped roles post-13x06 and in 13x11. Man, I am pumpin’ my fists).

Atop the bro dualism, Dean’s behaviour in 13x20 concerned me the most, saddened me the most, and intrigued me the most. 

:’( 

I may have yelled said that Dean has emotionally matured, eliminated toxic coping mechanisms, achieved an internal balance between his femininity and non-performative masculinity (acknowledged in 13x04; actively manifested in 13x16 onwards x, x), and gained a sense of non-combative communication and understanding (seen in 13x14), yet his low self-worth constitutes the biggest roadblock to his FULL personal growth.

Okay, I know you’ll exclaim: after Cas returned, Dean wasn’t depressed anymore! 

Well, that’s accurate and relatively inaccurate. Dean’s low self-worth is the central facet of his characteristic development, and it does have a guaranteed correlation with depression. Yes, you can feel worthless without being clinically depressed, but worthlessness is maladaptive and contributes to feeling depressed --> Dean’s depression. 

Dean’s case is a heartbreaking one. He’s been depressed for YEARS. He never really cared about what happened to him for YEARS = our Dean meta textualized in gloomy letters!!

Yes, the single individual -- the canon WIN -- that placed him back on the rails was Cas, his Everything, resurrecting from the dead. Cas’ return drastically mitigated Dean’s severe nihilistic depression (aka his rock bottom nihilistic grief when he lost Cas) BUT it didn’t necessarily fix his pre-existing depression.

S13 depicts Dean -- despite Cas’ bright presence -- as traveling the rails empty. There’s not enough coal to fuel his engine because he LACKS the mental faculties to appropriately cope re: trauma and give up his control. This is why he seems to oscillate between character progression and regression, and he still isn’t 100% HONEST and OPEN about his feelings. He’s keepin’ it in. There’s no healthy psychological unload taking place.

Case in point? Dean’s regressed to drinking the hard booze again; Cas FILLS the negative spaces (as he’s been doing throughout S13). Dean is not disclosing the whole truth -- not saying what he’s genuinely feeling (to CAS. I discuss it x, x, x). 

Plus, Dean’s internal worries re: Death, the next apocalyptic war, Cas’ Heavenly plans, and his respective destiny/fate (Death’s “See you soon”) just exacerbate the personal instability he’s experiencing.

And then we observe Dean’s parental duty rearing its head:

To me this is what reiterated the Brodependency being dismantled in late S12/S13 (12x22 and 13x12/15 in particular). Don’t get me wrong – Dean’s mostly let go. He was willing to leave Sam behind in 13x05 after losing the one person who textually means Everything to him. 

Dean’s psyche is at a point right now where he AIN’T okay with Sam’s risk-taking. He questions his little brother’s half-baked plans and sympathizes with the close-to-here manic desperation (again, mirroring S5 and S13 Grieving!Dean), except Dean’s low self-worth puts him in the dark position: I’m doing it, all of it, for YOU (Sam and Cas) since I don’t value myself enough to do it for ME. He further says--

He obviously does, but us, the audience, know--in dramatic irony fashion--that this is NOT Dean’s entire truth.

He values his brother more than himself, and he values CAS more than himself. He cares about what happens to CAS. Nothing Else Matters. And we’re aware that Cas canonically occupies the highest pedestal in Dean’s life, which TPTB absolutely highlighted during Dean’s grieving arc, Cas’ return, and 13x16 onwards. 

(In this scene, Dean continues to tell Sam what he’s NOT telling Cas. USE THE RIGHT WORDS.)

 Cas is the love of Dean’s life, his Everything, and his Win. I mentioned before that losing Cas a second time would destroy him.

(**Dating 101: Dean therefore cannot establish a truly healthy, mutually interdependent relationship with Cas if he has low self-worth. He’s trying, but his personal losses -- more LOSSES than wins this season i.e. AU!Charlie/Mary/Jack in AU, non-confronted traumas i.e. Cas’ death, and insecurities cripple his ability to give Cas ALL of himself, out in the open!)

Although Dean HAS FAITH (Cas), the decisions he’ll formulate to protect/save Sam, Mary, Jack, and especially Cas aren’t exactly derived from mental stability. Keeping them safe is too paramount to Dean that the choices he’ll encounter could be questionable/dangerous, putting him in the line of (sacrificial) fire. 

Sound familiar? It’s deliberately supposed to sound familiar!

Jack, TFW’s Unity/Balance symbol and characteristic mirror, even stated that ‘if he can’t keep others safe, what’s the use’?

Dean will make the penultimate save-the-world (read: save my family) decision ALONE regardless of Sam’s regressive wish to die together. And I wrote that his arc is now DIRECTLY paralleling S11 Casifer & Depressed!Cas’ S11/12 arc, especially (mis)communicative 12x19 --> 12x23 ‘I Have Faith’ Cas. There’s prevalent narrative symmetry in Dean’s arc (intrinsically linked to Cas’ arc).

“You, me, and Sam...we’re just better together” indeed, and this year’s season-ender should unite TFW like last season--unite Dean and Cas--in order to change their fates/defeat Death, but Dean’s decision will be an isolated one --> one that was foreshadowed as he faced expositional Daddy Issues™ Loki by himself. And Dean may not tell Cas, just like Cas hadn’t told Dean in 12x23 about his sacrificial act.

These vastly important storytelling threads ultimately conjoin with “I don’t care what happens to me. I never really have” as the PINNACLE of Dean’s 13-year long characterization; the progressive climax sparking his death/decay so that he can be reborn and revitalized aka THIS IS IT!! Dean’s impending death and self-sacrifice for his loved ones (CAS) = the ultimate catharsis in that S13′s narrative has finally approached the IRL scenario of 13x16 ghost kid (DEAN)’s release from father figure Bad Man -- from the negative influence of all the other literal (Loki, Odin, Lucifer, James Turner) and metaphorical (Asmodeus, Buddy, Michael) fatherly mirrors permeating this season. He’ll LET GO of everything that incarcerated him since he was 4 years old: his Blunt Tool role, control, manipulation, parental abuse and absenteeism, parental duty, the heteronormative patriarchy, and the long-standing trauma slapped on him by Alastair, Amara, and Cain.

He’ll burn the remaining pocket knife of all pocket knives tethering him to his past -- John Winchester x, x He’ll self-transform.

And Dean’s S13 death would fulfill the sacrificial Act of True Love (with Cas holding heavy weight in Dean’s decision for LOVE)--

--and S14 Winning Him Back in the subverted flavour of S10. Romance tropes abound!!

 @thetwistedwillow and @sactownbrowns3 both ignited my stomach-churning feels. This is an extremely pivotal visual. The Michael-reminiscent sword and radiant halo-like lights atop Dean’s head? Yeah, set off HUGE Michael!Dean radars. Complete moral dualism with S10 Demon!Dean--selflessness vs selfishness. Free choice (saying yes to possession) vs stolen choice (demon transformation against his will).

Secondly, as aforementioned, Dean’s harbouring a LOT of traumas he hasn’t mentally confronted, with Daddy Issues™ re: John Winchester (reflected via Dean’s solo faceoff with Loki) as his overarching undealt source of trauma.

Loki tells Dean: “The truth is, [Odin] despised me, but he was my father. I’m sure you understand. What would you do for your father?” 

And Dean stabs Loki’s hologram. He stabs the metaphorical father figure who neglected his sons. He stabs another narrative embodiment of John’s ghost, foreshadowing that Dean’s death = John Winchester’s final death. It’s time to deconstruct and conquer his influence.

(Gabriel was an extended mirror of both Dean and Sam, too. Gabe, the little brother whom deadbeat Daddy Chuck never paid attention to. ‘Ah, big bros, right? Always think they know best’ Gabe, who stabbed and killed deadbeat Loki. Gabe, who subsequently ran away from home, was used and tortured beneath Asmodeus’ control, embarked on a revenge trip, and didn’t feel good about it. Dean and Sam themselves knew what it felt like to be manipulated. While it’s true that their traumatic experiences are subjective, they share common Deadbeat Father-adjacent life courses.)

What beautiful and consistent silent storytelling!!

And oh look, narratively associated to this ^^ is the reappearance of Dean’s John-linked BAG OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE--

I can’t can’t can’t wait for him to let go of it PERMANENTLY! 

And of course, Cas’ death remains his immediate significant source of undealt trauma (same links above:  x, x, x)

*looks at Dean’s serious, intense, and emotionally laden expression* *clutches chest tight* *blinks away tears*

I additionally wrote something about Endverse!Cas and D/C (mis)communication a few months ago which I feel is relevant again:

And we know HUMAN Endverse!Cas was representative of that, a sad, depressed, and hollow depiction of the wrong choices for the right reasons who festers (AND DIES), in part because of Dean’s wrong choices, and also because of his own consciously uninformed, narrow-minded choices that led to this literal apocalypse of mind, body and soul.

5x04 laid down what Cas (and Dean) shouldn’t become. If both Cas and Dean (TFW) continue to fail in learning their lessons regarding healthy interdependence (where control must become equality; ignorance must become understanding; intransigence must become compromise; stonewalling must become transparency; lying must become honesty; silence must become communication), Endverse will be their life.

Thankfully, they’re learning as of S13 onwards and I’m ECSTATIC. Slow but sure progress (13x15′s conveying the shift), yet they still have to use the RIGHT WORDS.

Endverse!Dean, who never gave up his control to Cas nor listened to him, was himself consumed by the NEED over the WANT and an authoritarian means to an end. He lost everyone. And Endverse posed an ultimatum for Dean (and Cas’ own characteristic progress): keep your control forever, and you’ll have one destination–no growth, no life, no freedom. 

Full circle!

Dean Winchester must die so he can live.

And what are Dean’s WINS (plural) by dying? Saving people instead of losing people--saving Mary, Jack, Sam, and Cas. Saving the world. Reuniting his family unit. Interacting instead of performing. OUTING INSTEAD OF HIDING. HIGH DEPRESSIONLESS SELF-WORTH INSTEAD OF LOW DEPRESSIVE SELF-WORTH.

Better yet, Dean will undergo character development in relation to his loved ones (and Cas). With high self-worth, Dean’s capable of learning how to value HIMSELF independently. In turn, without personal obstacles he’ll learn how to sustain HEALTHY interdependent relationships and COMMUNICATION as well as learn how to WHOLLY GIVE HIMSELF to others (Cas).

Tell Cas he’s not expendable, Dean. Disclose the real reason YOU “needed him back”. Expose your feelings, choose Want over Need, and push away your rejection fears! Cas loves you dearly—let him know that his love for you is reciprocated. Nothing but good things ahead!!

Gosh, this post is way longer than I expected—thank youu for sticking to it! Circumstances shall get worse before they get better, and it’s totally necessary to ensure our characters meet the final demise of their prisons.

BTW, I still can’t believe we got a borderline blatant onscreen bi!Dean (and Cas insert) treat!! What’s by is by! Overall I’m incessantly praising Dabb’s spectacular work so far + Glynn and Rich Speight Jr’s craft in this ep!!

Very little sub is left in the text, my friends. TPTB are rendering years’ worth of meta increasingly explicit in S13. I can only HOPE and expect that 13x23/S14 brings us past the Point of Know Return subtextual boundaries and into full-blown textual narrative! Authorial intent EXISTS. 

**I know, I know--S14 wasn’t confirmed as the last season and S15 is fair game. The plot accordion, as per usual, re-emerges with the slight overhaul/pullback of characteristic arcs and narrative plot due to season renewals, but I’m Endgame Positive that slow progress is SURE progress. Imho Dean and Cas are so close in saying everything from saying nothing. THE UNSAID WILL BE SAID.

Bracing myself for the last 3 episodes—they’ll burn us in awesome ways!! 

[moonstarphoenix]

Theory on Chris Evans, Steve Rogers and Avengers 4

So I’m bored and with Chris Evans posting that tweet about ‘Senior Year’ with the hashtag #A4, I want to do some speculating on what’s next for the Marvel Movies and Captain America.

Before I begin, DISCLAIMER: This is merely my opinions and thoughts on the MCU and Captain America’s future. Nobody should really hold any sort of weight for anything here and I’m probably wrong, since whenever I do this, I usually turn out to be wrong. Please don’t take it for fact, but merely a fun, alternate look at rumors and theories floating around for Avengers 4. Mostly, my speculation is formed through the Marvel promotional phase for Avengers: Infinity War and recent stuff.

Also, I so apologize. This got incredibly long. If you stay with me to the end, let me know what you think. I would love to know what everybody thinks about Avengers 4 and Steve’s fate. Here we go.

That said, my major feeling/theory/speculation is simply STEVE ROGERS WON’T DIE IN  AVENGERS 4.

First, I’ll admit I don’t read the comics, but quick research tells me that while Steve Rogers did ‘die’ in the comics, he was actually sent back in time before being restored to the present. This is the storyline that he gives Bucky the shield. So I know the MCU doesn’t follow the comics exactly, yet I keep seeing this used as proof that Steve will die in A4. However, he is alive in the comics. Keep this in mind as I work through the other points.

Talk of Steve Rogers dying started for the third Avengers movie. Even the Russo Brothers started to kind of push the narrative. Anybody remember right before the movie, their twitter picture changing to Bucky as Cap? They didn’t come right out and say anything, but the Marvel group certainly encouraged it. REMEMBER MARVEL IS AND HAS BEEN STRICT WITH SPOILERS, with the exception of talkers Mark Ruffalo and Tom Holland. So why would this huge spoiler be hinted at so strongly before the third Avengers? Obviously that was a red herring since everyone but the ones people thought actually would die were the ones dusted. Anyway, for a major character to die, that’s a pretty big spoiler to circulate and for the creators to subtly push as a narrative, especially as protective as they are for spoilers.

And let’s not forget that both Robert Downey, Jr.’s and Chris Hemsworth’s contracts are up as well. Yet, there’s very little speculation that their characters will die. Why the focus on Steve and Chris Evans, especially when we know that RDJ and Hemsworth appear to be done whereas Chris is dropping hints at not being completely done? (Hemsworth, I don’t think, is going to find a lot of success outside Marvel, so I expect him to be back at some point.Plus, I believe he has expressed interest with what Taika Wahiti did with Ragnarok.)

Then, there’s Chris himself. Since Civil War, Chris has been talking very openly about his contract ending and being ready to move on. On the surface, this is typical. Actors grow tired of the same character and wish to challenge themselves, take on new opportunities. Chris has talked about wanting to direct again as well. Okay, that’s normal. No Big Deal.

Also, being this public about leaving a billion dollar franchise is also a negotiating 101 tool actors use for new contracts. Fans are devastated and vocal since they see Chris as Cap, Marvel wants to keep him, etc., so it’s put out there that a beloved character might die and use the public reaction to negotiate a better contract with more freedom and more money. Again, typical, normal Hollywood behavior.

Now, the interview where Chris ‘confirmed’ he was leaving Marvel in March. In the New York Times, he is quoted as saying: 

For now, he has no plans to return to the franchise (“You want to get off the train before they push you off,” he said), and expects that planned reshoots in the fall will mark the end of his tenure in the familiar red, white and blue super suit.

Notice the wording. The phrases ‘for now’ and ‘no plans’ could indicate that while yes right now, he’s stepping back, it doesn’t mean he’s hanging up the shield. It sounds like he would be willing to step back into the suit as some point. How could he do it if the character is dead?

Add to that his only promo appearance for Avengers: Infinity War at Good Morning America, he walks back the above quote and instead clarifies that it’s the contract that’s up and literally says ‘we’ll see’ with this secretive, knowing smile to the hope of the hosts that he wasn’t done. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfOeQj7HsCE&t=2s -- at 1:06 is where that discussion takes place. They even joke about him starting the negotiating right then. Again, how can he return if the character is dead?

So as this gets too long (of course. how does anybody write short posts?!), here’s my conclusions. Based on the above, the comic, the pushing of the Steve dying narrative, and Chris walking back the assumption he’s done, I don’t think Steve will die in Avengers 4. I think (or hope) he’ll be exhausted from the fight, hand over the shield, and disappear to live the life he wanted. Especially if there’s the rumored five year time jump and he has to live with the deaths of T’Challa, Bucky, Sam, the Vision, and Wanda. Honestly, I think it’s Tony that has more of a chance to sacrifice himself and Steve might run the Avengers behind the scenes. Or he could continue to fight but the focus of the movies will be on the new generation of the MCU with mentions of him on other missions.

Add to that, Kevin F. and the Russo Brothers are saying Avengers 4 will be an emotional punch. Take it from someone who grew up watching soaps and reading similar phrasing, that doesn’t always mean death. Perhaps, Tony marries Pepper and they find out she’s pregnant, Steve retires/turns over the shield, and Thor settles a new Asgard, all of this leaving the door open for cameos and comebacks should they wish.

I know there’s a new rumor about Steve going back to 1940 and staying and I have to admit, I hate that rumor and storyline even more than the death one. It’s contrite and the easy way out. Not to mention, anybody who has read/seen anything with time travel would know that if he did that, that would mess with the timeline and affect events he wasn’t around for. For example, you cannot tell me that knowing what he knows, Steve wouldn’t hunt down Bucky after the fall which would change Hydra, the timeline of The Winter Soldier, and even Natasha’s storyline. Even if they erase his memory, his being there still changes/affects events since the whole thing was Cap coming back from the ice to defeat the aliens in the first Avenger. And leaving the original Steve in the ice while the one from the future to live his life is overtly complicated. The MCU seems to be trying to streamline the storylines. Also, and I admit not having watched Agent Carter but wouldn’t Steve have appeared in that if they ended up together?

So, what I think happens is Steve gives up the shield but lives. He lets either Bucky or Sam take it and honestly given how the MCU set everything up, it’s likely Sam will take the shield and Bucky becomes a different version of the White Wolf. Tony might possibly be the sacrifice, but could live to marry Pepper. Thor, I’m not sure. I would laugh my head off while crying if he was the one to die, since no one is really speculating on him (oooh there’s a possibility, no Loki, no Asgard, and he was the one who left during AOU for answers regarding the stones, hmmmmm.) Let’s not forget the idea of Steve possibly continuing ‘the ‘Secret Avengers’ working under cover and perhaps just not shown in the MCU.

I think my point in all of this is, don’t make the assumption that what you read, especially this early will be what happens. What gets me is that both sides really pushed that narrative of Chris leaving, knowing the most common speculation and most importantly, assumption would be Cap dying. Marvel is too good at protecting spoilers and since this assumption has existed for awhile, it seems unlikely that such a commonly accepted endgame would come to pass. There’s no surprise and no emotional, gutwrenching moment if the audience has had so long to think about it and accept it. I mean, no one saw the snap coming and those that died being the ones that did.

I fully aware that some of this is wishful thinking. I love Steve as Cap, his movie was the first I saw years ago and I only just got into the Marvel movies this year, so obviously I’m not ready for his tenure to end already. I just don’t think they are closing that door completely with a final Steve death. At the very least, I can see them using a surprise ‘resurrection’ during a future movie to bring him back.

I do think Chris will step back for at least a couple of years. He wants a break and is ready to use his new pull for new projects and challenges. So, I do think we’ll get a few years before we see Steve again (if we do). But I also think they either already have a new contract in place or are in the midst of negotiating. I just don’t think the character will die or be sent back in time. I think Marvel is using the fans’ assumptions to protect the real ending. I don’t believe that a plot ending so heavily reported, speculated, and generally accepted is what is going to happen. It’s too on the nose compared to what they’ve pulled off before.

Anyway, I’m probably wrong and this is too long, so if you read it to the end, thank you! I guess we’ll find out in EIGHT months. God it feels soooo long!

[maryellencarter]

memed from @camshaft22 , originally an askbox meme but it's short enough that i can just have opinions at all of it rather than waiting to have the free time to get out of the house and answer asks. (i still have at least a few askmeme questions sitting in my inbox from like a month or two ago... :P)

1. do you find force users or non-force users more interesting? -- non-force users by a mile. there could theoretically be exceptions, like if anybody really got deeply into alternate perceptions / interpretations of the force rather than just kind of toeing the jedi party line as established in the movies, but i haven't seen any that really grab me.

2. which character do you want to be most like? -- oh, now there's a hell of a question. both this and the next one, really. see, let's start at the beginning: when i was a very smol tortoise watching a star war, and by smol i mean like eighteen because that's when i first saw a star war... when i was a smol, i wanted to be han solo (not least because he was hot in a very conventionally masculine way, do not underestimate the importance of that to a smol afab tortoise programmed with much body-loathing ;P), but i identified a lot more with chewbacca. i mean, let's be honest, i was not in great psychological shape as a tiny, and this particular oddment is something i'm still very much sorting out, but: from tiny!jt's perspective, at least, han+chewie is a nonromantic primary relationship that gets displaced by the han/leia primary romantic relationship. but it's still (from anything you see onscreen in the ot) primary *to chewie* even after it becomes secondary to han. that kind of nonreciprocal primary relationship, tagging around after someone who would let me express that kind of devotion and not find it creepy even after they inevitably found a "real", romantic relationship that would be more important to them than me, was the best endgame i could imagine for myself, and frankly i felt like it was way too much to hope for within my own species. i may have spent rather a while wishing i was a dog or something, so that it would be acceptable and appropriate for me to want the most important relationship in my life to be nonromantic. tiny!jt was a *mess*. this was way before i got into fandom, so i didn't really work through it at all or write it down anywhere, either.

uh. that got long. continued under the next question.

3. which character are you actually most like? -- so anyway. yeah. to continue. then i found my way into legends (then still the eu but yanno) and the x-wing books. and then there was wes. ^_^ it would be several more years before i even figured out i *had* ptsd, but here was somebody who had ptsd that presented almost exactly like mine but was also stable and functional and not-depressed and in fact actually cheerful. not to mention he was *also* hot and male and most importantly human, but still showed the kind of undemanding loyalty i was aiming towards, and had it accepted.

(which last is partly because wedge is an oblivious noodle, but still. ^_^ honestly that's probably something to analyze when i'm not one-finger typing on my phone: how much of that kind of relationship being a goal for me is just me being wired kind of subby, and how much is the abuse thing where asking for any kind of emotional reciprocation is Wrong and Too Much. :P)

uh. i had a point here somewhere. um. so i wanted to grow up to be wes, but i didn't think that was an attainable goal. i felt sort of more like wedge with the duty and guilt and everything, but wedge is also way more of a leader than i am, so that's a thing. honestly there was a point there where i felt most like cheriss, just kind of... trying to grow up and dealing with a whole bunch of life shit and intermittently wanting to die a lot. ;P

and now apparently i *am* growing up to be wes and i'm still not sure what to do with that, besides writing a lot of fanfic (which is what i am doing). and trying to figure out the whole subby brain thing. and the executive dysfunction thing. and the not wanting leadership positions thing. and still working on the ptsd thing. and the self-esteem thing. there's a lot.

i'm less wedge, though. which is good. less catholic guilt is always nice.

4. what headcanon will you defend to the death? -- er. i'm not really sure i have any of those. as opposed to just canon things i will make sure people remember and acknowledge. maybe the hoth cuddle pile? you will never convince me the rogues on hoth did not sleep in a giant cuddle pile.

5. what planet would you most like to visit? -- i frankly don't know enough about star wars planets to give a shit.

6. what planet would you most like to live on? -- ditto. not taanab, for sure. mini rancors (and possibly 46-hour days if you don't just disdain that as illogical made-up numbers they threw into the planet guide for variety's sake... ;P I have opinions)

7. who do you hope you never meet? -- of the characters? pretty much any of the bad guys, but my first thought is vader.

8. what is one thing you would change about any movie, show, book, etc? -- ahahahahaaaaaaa. just one? i can't pick. can i say fix all the things about tlj that made me go "okay never watching that"? because there were at least four or five just among the spoilers that i heard. like if it had to be just one i'd make it so poe doesn't disregard chain of command, because that's the one that's making it so i can't rewatch tfa *either*, but from everything i hear, that movie was a hot mess. (alternatively, can i just change the fandom so that people stop saying "if you don't love tlj unquestioningly you're a reddit douchebro!"? because i don't want to unfollow roguepod on twitter but unless i block literally everyone *they* follow there's no way for me to keep that particular Hot Take off my dash and it's consistently re-infuriating me. :P)

uh. i have feelings, apparently. ;P

9. have you ever made fanart or fanfic? do you make edits or any other fan content? -- so much fanfic. so much. i counted last night and just the fics i haven't published yet add up to somewhere around 80k words.

10. do you think the jedi were right or wrong? -- i think the jedi were self-important douchenozzles with a habit of being wrong whenever the plot demanded it. is this a reference to something specific they were right or wrong about? i don't think they have the one true view of the force, and i think they're obnoxious about thinking they do, much like many other religions, so there's that.

11. who is the most underrated character? -- new canon, finn. or rose, possibly, not that i've seen her, because see above re hot mess. old canon, hobbie.

12. do you care who rey’s parents are? -- honestly, i'm at the point in dealing with an open canon where i cannot give fuck about any of the unanswered questions, the upcoming releases, or anything that might happen in the future at all. i haven't even read thrawn alliances. i am Over It, and that is about 99% the fault of the people who keep calling me a reddit douchebro by association. i probably won't see epIX unless kat or sophia tells me i absolutely have to. i'm a legends-only fan at this point. i didn't want to be, i like getting excited about new things, but every time i try it, people are douchewaffles and it's depressing. :P

13. if you could resurrect one dead character, or prevent them from dying, who would it be? -- new canon, hobbie. old canon, there are so damn many options, but probably mara or pellaeon.

14. what is your favorite alien species? -- i'm not sure i actually have an opinion. i have lots of favorite alien characters but like... idek. star wars has a bunch of really well designed alien species and they're all cool.

15. who would you like to bang? -- honestly i don't really care about banging any of the characters. shipping them is more fun. although i would let princess general leia step on me, whether in a sexy way or not.

16. which movie/episode have you watched the most? -- probably anh. the falcon's flying sfx aren't as good as in esb, but if you watch esb without rotj it's just a downer, and i don't really enjoy rotj. like it just doesn't click with me.

17. what is your favorite line? -- uh. from the movies, or from all the star war? uh. either way that's a hell of a question. the one i quote the most from the movies is definitely "we're all fine here, how are you?", but that's more just... versatile. from the books, my favorite is obviously one of allston's, but i'm not sure i could *pick*.

18. what is your favorite star wars book or comic? -- starfighters of adumar. because it is the best one. objectively. ^_^

19. what’s your opinion on legends/expanded universe? -- i'm extremely glad it isn't canon anymore (see also my issues with open canons, but also a significant amount of it was just trash) and extremely glad it's still around.

20. what do you hope will happen in future movies? -- i have no hope. hope is dead. i am, as previously mentioned, Over It. (let oscar isaac kiss john boyega onscreen)

21. if you could switch any character’s gender, who would it be and why? -- in canon? no. there's no point in turning a lady character into a dude, and neither the creators nor the fans are capable of handling anyone who's currently a dude being written as a lady or nb type, even if it was retroactive and they'd always been written that way. just no. it would go Badly. :P

that said. in fanfic? and i am so not capable of writing this yet but i want to. in like five years when we're all living in caves scratching our fanfics on bone. i want to see a cis afab wes janson who just hasn't internalized any of those lessons about not taking up space. who's still brash and loud and enthusiastic and flirtatious and just... female. who doesn't feel any need to explain that she doesn't (or does) want kids, or acknowledge anybody else's opinion about how she dresses or who she fucks. who's smart and badass and competent and out to have fun. and like... *pulls hair* i mean you know the trope. a sexy lady character who knows she's sexy will pretty much always at least consider sleeping her way to the top or whatever. (tim zahn, seriously, stop using that trope. it's not edgy.) i want to see lady!wes dressing up all fancy because it's fun and she enjoys having people admire her body, and like just... not even considering ever having sex for any other reason than "i am attracted to that person, i wonder if they'd like to bang". like it's hard to demonstrate a negative but you know if you read a story like that, where it wasn't called out but just there, your brain would go all fidgety and "what the fuck something is not normal here". or at least mine would. but you know? :S apparently i have a lot of feelings about this too. like trying to portray a lady who's that confident and... and undamaged by misogyny, would be a hell of a thing.

22. favorite droid? -- bb-8. the cutest smol. target has a kit to turn a pumpkin into a bb-8 and i swear i'm thinking about getting a funkin to do that to. even though i already have a bb-8 penny bank and a bb-8 lanyard in storage.

23. what’s your favorite star wars musical piece or theme? -- i'm not great at identifying pieces of music so i'm just gonna go with the opening crawl music.

24. how do you pronounce twi’lek? -- i don't. ^_^ more specifically, i do kind of pronounce it in my head when i read, but it's sort of... neither twee-lek nor twye-lek, but something sort of in between that isn't quite a schwa and might involve an umlaut. Sort of Twülek, if you said it with an Austrian accent. That probably doesn't help at all. XD

25. which character do you have a love/hate relationship with? -- This keeps being a question. I'm honestly not sure I *do* love-hate relationships. I'm like Tinkerbell, I only have room for one emotion at a time. ^_^ Especially with fictional characters, I either love them or hate them. (Unless they're completely meh and I just forget about them, that happens sometimes.)

[gyromitra-esculenta]

Crackverse 10: How Harry Met Sa... Part 1

This is a trip down the memory lane. Pretty much the ‘how the hell did they get together?’ and a part of ‘why are there that many Smurfs references in this whole fic?’. Sadly, there are no ugly-ass sweaters this time. The second part will include ‘there was only one bed *gasp*’.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3Part 4 Part 5Part 6 Part 7 Xmas New Year Part 8 Soulmate AU Part 9 

One wired jaw later Gabriel realized he was in love.

To say that Gabriel was utterly unimpressed with Jack Morrison upon their first meeting was an understatement. The man was big, blonde, blue-eyed, had well-pronounced cheekbones and a chin you could cut yourself on, and in general appeared as if he just walked out of White Power rally, or maybe even worse, stepped out of Wehrmacht propaganda where he had been used as an example of a perfect Aryan. His carefree cockiness also radiated the textbook case of jock, whose idea of a fun night out was cow tipping. And then, the blonde wasn’t even his type, he preferred them a bit shorter and quieter.

However, not unlike the Autobots, there was much more going under that hood than met the eye.

Yes, Gabriel Reyes was a nerd.

*

One of the first qualities that could be observed about Jack Morrison was his apparent death wish. No matter the circumstances, be it sparring, training, or war games, the man was like a rabid wolverine. Literally. Or a rabid honey badger because ratels were scary as shit on their own, but add to that rabies…

Which was many roundabout words to describe the fact that the blonde would take on someone twice his size without looking back, might die fighting his opponent, but, sure as hell, he was taking said opponent down with him. And then he would seemingly resurrect like in those documentaries, all with that demented toothy smile of his plastered on his bloodied lips. And Gabriel was not beyond appreciating that kind of dedication (or craziness).

Yes, Gabriel Reyes was a nerd who not only watched old cartoons – he relaxed with Animal Planet on.

*

Another characteristic of Jack Morrison was not letting any kind of bullshit fly by him, which more often than not ended with a brawl.

“That fucking filthy chink,” Beckson muttered one day in the gym, loud enough for everyone to hear. Jack only smiled that deranged smile of his and put the water bottle down on the bench. Then he almost flew at the man.

Later, with tissue paper stuffed up his nose, still smiling, Jack shrugged at Gabriel’s question of what the fuck was wrong with him.

“I’m not fucking going to let the motherfucker insult my siblings, am I?”

Somehow, Gabriel thought the grin accompanying the blonde’s answer was, in fact, a teeny bit attractive. He pegged it as cabin fever.

*

All of the above made Jack Morrison tolerable, but not someone you would spend your time with or talk to. Until the Smurfs Incident.

“What the fuck are you watching? Are those fucking Smurfs?” Gabriel sighed, exasperated, ready to either tell Jack to kindly fuck off or to make up some lame excuse. “Wow, and that’s the shitty racist episode. You know they were fucking black in the original version?”

“Yeah,” Gabriel grunted when Jack wriggled himself onto the bunk to sit by his side and elbowed him to move the screen so he could watch too. “How do you even know that?”

“Hyung was fucking obsessed with this shit, had to dress up for fucking Halloween, twice as Gargamel and once as fucking Smurfette.” Gabriel snorted trying to imagine Jack in a white skirt. “What? I think I made a fucking fine Smurfette!”

“Pictures or it didn’t happen.”

“I’ll get Ma to send me some. Ha, get them, Azrael!”

It got the ball rolling. In the end, they were both kind of nerdy, although each in his own way.

*

Thing was, Ma and Pa Morrison were the God-fearing sort, Catholics, and firmly believed in procreation and populating the God-given Earth, so Jack was the middle child out of ten total, with four sisters and five brothers – all nine of them adopted.

Gabriel didn’t even try to remember the names the blonde gleefully rattled off showing him the pictures, especially since few of them sounded like something nigh unpronounceable. And yes, he had to concede Jack made a damn fine Smurfette, especially considering he had shaved his legs for the occasion. Though, a definitely manly Smurfette.

“Oh my fucking god, that fucking itched like shit regrowing, should have gone with fucking stockings,” the blonde groaned when Gabriel just tapped his finger on the aforementioned photographic evidence. “It got me five beers and a fucking date, on a positive note. And a shit-ton of sweets to divide later.”

“Dated a cheerleader?” Gabriel swiped to another photo where the blonde posed with a trophy. Jack, for a brief moment, looked maybe a bit angry, but then just shrugged.

“Arsehole. Yeah, I did. Went to prom, fucked under the bleachers, almost gave him a shiner week later when he fucking broke up with me because he had said he fucking felt he was obliged to give me a pity fuck before.”

Right. Gabriel knew a thing or two about computers, and it helped the school had no security to speak of. The yearbook had a page titled ‘The Kings of the Prom’.

He was in deep shit now.

*

With the restricted access to the outside world and a very shallow dating pool - not to mention close living quarters that made tempers run short - it was almost inevitable, Gabriel surmised in retrospect, that he had developed a bit of infatuation. The first time it happened, he had been cussing Jack out for keeping his boot-clad feet on the bunk.

“My fucking ass is not moving from the fucking bed,” Jack shot back while turning another page of a worn out book. Gabriel added what he would do to that ass under his breath in Spanish, and froze when he had realized what exactly left his mouth. Thanks to whatever deity that decided to listen, Jack casually looked up at him. “Yeah, fuck you and your little dog too.”

The second time it happened was during sparring when he had finally gotten the upper hand on Jack. The blonde narrowed his eyes, snarled something incomprehensible back, and then used Gabriel’s confusion to twist and elbow him hard just below the ribs.

“Puto!”

“Skurwysyn!”

“Vodka!” Someone called from the benches, laughing.

After that, it became a casual thing with Jack obviously not understanding a word except some most common profanities and answering in kind. Gabriel wasn’t really proud of that, but hey, it helped to relieve some tension.

It all came to a screeching halt two months later when a new supervisor was inducted into the program. The woman, almost unnaturally tall and lanky, with a skin nearly glowing with a shade of violet and raised decorative lines of scars on her forehead, was waiting for them just outside of the showers.

“Mister Morrison.” Jack stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights, his expression somewhere between pure shock and utter terror. “I get invited to evaluate and supervise the super secret enhancement program and while reviewing the personnel files who do I see enrolled?”

“Achan!” The blonde lost one of his flip-flops when he launched himself at her, engulfing her in a hug.

“Hello, little brother.” Well, Gabriel did comment on that. The little part, not the brother thing. “And here, Ma and Pa are thinking you are doing top secret ranger missions.”

“Oh, fuck, you aren’t going to snitch?”

“And what? Tell them their boy might drop dead any moment because of complex chemicals pumped into his body as opposed to being shred to bits by omnics?”

“Fucking touché,” Jack released her, laughing. “So I won’t fucking snitch you’re not working on your fucking grant, sis.”

“It was enough you weren’t home for Christmas, Jack.” The blonde groaned. “You are coming back for Easter, and, as a gift for the whole family, you can bring your friend.” Achan poked his forehead and Jack tsked, looking back for a second.

“That’s not really fucking good idea, sis. They’re going to start getting fucking ideas.”

Well, Gabriel had some choice words about fucking but seeing Achan’s brows rise made him realize that maybe, maybe, he had made a grave tactical error.

“I’m going to look the other way now,” the new supervisor smirked at Jack as if she were daring him to say ‘hold my beer’. The blonde shuffled on his feet and then turned around rapidly. The punch was solid, but not undeserved, Gabriel admitted to himself from the floor. Jack loomed over him.

“You want to tap that fucking ass, fucking ask.”

Well, it was definitely not his most shining moment. Honestly, it was as far as it got from the most shining moment. It topped even vomiting blood at three-months mark into the program. Gabriel resigned to it and went with the flow.

“Wanna fuck?”

“Sure, why not?” Jack shrugged. “Coming for Easter?”

“Possibly.”

“And call me a butterfly again and you’ll need a proctologist to get that boot outta your arse.”

“I hope this is the last time I’m playing your wingman, little brother.”

One wired jaw later Gabriel realized he was in love. The revelation had not been welcome. He urgently hoped it would pass soon. It still didn’t make the rest of the day any less awkward than it was already.

[crowsstories]

Drowning (PART 1)

The pain stabbing into my eyes, the pressure popping in my ears, made me regret the whole thing almost immediately. I didn’t know it would be like that. I didn’t know my whole head would feel like it was splitting open as I lost air. I was so, so fucking stupid.

The moment came when I couldn’t hold my breath any longer, and I involuntarily breathed in, a spasm of the lungs I couldn’t control. My chest hurt, my entire abdomen, my lungs burning, trying to pull in air that didn’t exist and breathing water instead. It was like fire, deep inside me, worse than fire on my skin.

I thought the pain was a good sign, at first. I thought it meant I was dying, finally. After all, of everything I’d tried so far, this was, by far, the most painful. My body couldn’t heal itself quickly from this, like it had with my disastrous attempt with fire.

I was drowning, over and over, just like I had been for months, only literally, now. And I just wished I had thought this through a little harder before jumping into the lake with chains twisted around my legs.

It wasn’t my fault, though, was it? Being immortal meant living forever, it meant healing from anything. It didn’t mean I was any fucking smarter than the next guy, apparently.

As I floated there, at the bottom of the lake, chains around my legs to keep me submerged, drowning painfully, I had a surprising moment of clarity. Or maybe not that surprising. Fuck, I was so stupid. Also, it was kind of hard to think when my brain was being damaged from lack of oxygen.

As it turned out, I wasn’t taking the whole immortal thing very well. “Thank you, Captain Obvious”, right? Well, excuse me for having a hard time accepting the loss of my true love and my apparent immortality, all in the same week.

James’ death killed me. Or, I wish it had killed me. Nothing could kill me, I guess. As it turned out. Not even the head on automobile collision that had killed James. Not even a broken heart. Not even the bullet I’d put in my brain three days after I’d woken up in the hospital. Or starving myself. Or jumping off a roof. Or…

Anyway, back to my moment of clarity. Other than how stupid I was.

I wanted to be with James again, so bad, and I couldn’t, so I just kept torturing myself, as if I’d eventually find the one thing that could kill me. But there wasn’t anything. Nothing could kill me. That was my moment of clarity. And I was so stupid that it had taken being trapped in a state of constant drowning to realize it.

James wouldn’t have wanted this for me. He wouldn’t have wanted me to hurt myself. He had always tried so hard to protect me, to take care of me. Seeing me like this would kill him all over again.

As the spasms of cardiac arrest started once again, my mind blanked, and all that was left was James’ face, as if imprinted on my mind’s eye.

It was nice, seeing him again, even if it was just another flash of my life, before I died for the third time. I suppose that was one good thing about being stuck drowning over and over. At least I got to see James again. “Look on the bright side,” he would say. “Gotta find the silver lining somewhere.”

In hindsight, I guess my immortality wasn’t that weird. No, I mean, it was weird. Really fucking weird. I’d never heard of another immortal person before, anyway. At least, I didn’t think I had. Which brings me to the reason why I don’t find it that weird, in retrospect; I didn’t have any memories older than eight years or so.

The doctor James took me to when he found me said I had focal retrograde amnesia, but a rare kind, because I didn’t remember much from before James found me, not even my childhood. I remembered waking up being covered in blood and some other kind of organic matter. I didn’t know who I was, where I was. I spoke English, and so far I’ve been able to understand every other language I’ve heard since then, too. I knew some things, like how the world worked, like how to be a person, but other things were a complete mystery, and James had to teach me.

My vision went yellow as I started to slip away, then black as I died, then pure white as I came back. On repeat, every few minutes.

It was getting harder to remember who James was, every time, I realized. That wasn’t good. I didn’t want to forget him. If I had to go on living without him, I wanted to remember him, at least. I wanted the memories of everything we’d shared. I couldn’t bear to lose those, too.

The frequent brain damage caused by oxygen depletion was going to take them away from me, though, if I didn’t get out, soon.

This time when I came to, after the darkness had taken me for the third time, I started tugging at the chains I had secured around my legs, trying to get myself free. I only had a few seconds, to try and free myself before the agony got to be too much. I wasn’t making much progress. My muscles were stiff, my limbs hard to move. I’d try again next time, and the time after that, until I got free.

And I would get free, eventually, and I’d never try something this stupid again.

As I came back, clinging hard to the memory of James so I didn't lose him, I had a new thought. If immortality existed, maybe other things were possible, too. Maybe I could figure out a way to get James back. That thought, that possibility, that hope, more than anything else, is what kept me going.

I wasn’t going to be able to get out of the chains, that much was clear by now. I had padlocked them and thrown away the key. I had done too good a job, and if I had been anyone else, I’d be dead for good, now. If I jerked my body hard enough, though, my chained legs dragged themselves along the bottom of the lake. It stirred up mud and all kinds of crap, and I couldn’t see at all, but I kept moving, whenever I could, though the muck.

It was slow going, with me dying and resurrecting every few minutes, and struggling to remember what I was trying to do, and my chains getting caught on underwater debris. I just hoped I was moving the right way. Toward shallower water, and not toward the middle of the lake.

When my head finally breached the surface of the water, I was very disoriented and confused. Not just because of my ordeal, either. The color of the sky didn’t make sense for a moment. I had jumped into the lake in the early morning hours, just before dawn, and the sky had hardly changed.

It took a bit more struggling, and a few more breaths of glorious air, before my brain cleared enough to realize it was almost sunset, not sunrise. That made a lot more sense. Another entire day had passed without James, and I’d spent this one drowning at the bottom of the lake. Definitely the worst day without him yet.

After spending all day drowning and suffering, though, I felt surprisingly clear headed now that it was over.

Well, not over completely. I still had to get the rest of the way to shore, and then figure out how in the hell to get out of the chains I’d locked myself into. But at least the drowning part was over, and I wasn’t keen to repeat it anytime soon. Or anything similar, actually.

I was done trying to figure out how to die. Now it was time to figure out how to keep other people from dying, and how to bring someone back from the dead. I would have James back again, no matter what it took. I’d pay any price I had to, if I could just figure out what that price was.

As I finally heaved myself ashore, and then collapsed on the muddy bank like a beached whale, to pant and catch my breath and cough up lake water, I heard an exclamation of surprise. I levered myself up on a forearm and slowly turned to look toward the noise. Three fisherman stared at me in shock and fear, and I laughed a little at the looks on their faces. I must look terrible, pale and wrinkled, muddy and covered in seaweed, gasping and wild-eyed. I imagined seeing a large man who looked like that, clawing his way out of the lake in front of you, probably was pretty terrifying.

I smiled, polite and friendly, like James had taught me, and waved. “Hi there,” I croaked as they stared. “Could you help me, please? I seem to have gotten myself stuck.” Hopefully one of them would have some tools that would help get these chains off my legs.

After a stretched moment of continued staring, they seemed to snap out of it. One ran to his truck to get some tools, while the other two helped me claw the seaweed free from my hair and clothes, and wipe the mud from my skin.

“What happened to you, dude?" One of them asked, eyes wide as saucers. He still looked scared, even though he had to know, by now, I was just a person like him.

I didn’t know how to answer him, though, or make him feel less afraid. James always told me to be honest, so I figured I’d start there.

“My boyfriend died, so I tried to kill myself, but it didn’t work,” I told him. The other one laughed nervously, like he thought I was making a joke. The young one that had called me ”dude” just looked sad now. I wasn’t sure if that was better than scared.

The other fisherman eventually showed up with his tools, and it wasn’t long before I was free of my chains. I climbed to my feet, and towered over the other three by a few inches. It wasn’t that they were particularly short, I was just a tall guy. Usually the tallest one in any room. I shoved my hands into the front pockets of my sopping wet jeans and tried to hunch a little, to make myself seem smaller. They seemed like a skittish bunch, after all. I didn’t want to scare them any more.

“I’m Tyler, this is Luther, and that’s Chris,” the young guy said. “Can we give you a ride somewhere, or…?”

I shook my head. “I’m Gabriel,” I replied, giving them the name James had given me, “and I’m okay, now. I can make my way from here. Thanks for your help.”

I turned and left, walking up into the trees and toward the road and not looking back. They’d have too many questions I couldn’t answer, and I hated questions I couldn’t answer. Best to just avoid them. Let me be nothing more than an interesting story that their friends and family would never believe.

Years later, I still sometimes wake up feeling like I’m drowning. And I don’t think I’ll ever get the taste of lake water out of my mouth.