#i will probably delete this later bc my next attempt will be better

[myokk]

a 10 min sketch of Ominis💓 might redo this tomorrow when my brain isn’t fried, give myself more time & compare the two!!

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

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1. hello! i am searching for a fic where su she pretends to be lwj to trick wwx? i believe he traps lwj in a closet at one point. please help!

FOUND? seeds by antebunny (G, 3k, WangXian, SS & LWJ, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Identity Porn, Dramatic Irony, identity theft, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, the Inherent Romance of Being Known, BAMF WWX, protective boyfriend!wwx, simp!lwj)

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2. Hi, this is about the last anon ask y'all shared. The one about the missing fic 2 no 31. I think i was searching for the same fic. I remember a one shot where LXC and LWJ were going for food or coffee and they saw XXC and WWX on the sidewalk, and LWJ was jealous of how much WWX was touching XXC as they walked until he realized WWX was guiding him bc he was blind.

If it isn't the same, I would appreciate y'all helping me find it. Thanks for your wonderful work for the fandom!

FOUND? A sip of vinegar by Aki_no_hikari (G, 1k, WangXian, Modern AU, Pining, One-Sided Attraction, or so lwj thinks)

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3. Hey, I’m looking for a post-canon fic where there’s an assassination attempt on WWX with poison and LWJ is super protective and has to find the culprit. Thanks so much!

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4. Hi! Love the blog so much!!! Do you remember the name of the fic (from LWJ POV) where LWJ is in the airport on a dating app and swipes away from WWX who is (coincidentally) sat next to him and remarks on it? TIA xxx

FOUND? Ticket to Ride by mistresscurvy (E, 18k, wangxian, modern, online dating, road trips, service top, phone sex, dick pics, wedding banquet)

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5. Hey, I hope you guys are doing well. Please help me find this fic ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

So I just remember a tiny part of it :

WWX is accused of giving away war intel to the Wen by YZY in front of everyone. She pulls out some letters i think? Then to help the former, NHS brings in a handwriting specialist and it turns out to be YZY who wrote the letters. @utxqia

FOUND? Lessons relearned by Iamnotawriter (T, 44k, WangXian, LQR & WWX, Not YZY Friendly, Time Travel Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inventor WWX, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, No Golden Core Transfer, YZY Bashing)

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6. Hi, I hope you can help me find a fic! It's an abo one I think, where teen wwx is pregnant. The story is LQR pov where he overhears WWX tell LWJ and is really supportive! I think WWX was kicked out my Madam Yu, but I'm not sure?

FOUND? In which Lan Qiren eavesdrops and gets a new nephew (and grandnephew) out of it by h0peless_oblivion (M, 64k, WIP, WangXian, Modern AU, High School, A/B/O Dynamics, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Mpreg, Teen Pregnancy, Shotgun Wedding, Good Uncle LQR, Madam Yu's A+ Parenting, Fluff and Angst, Family Feels, Unspecified Setting, Probably ooc, WWX Has ADHD, A-Yuan is Wangxian's son, Pregnant WWX, Humor, non-graphic birth, Family Drama, The Lans love wwx, Male Lactation, Mild Smut in later chapters, wangxian's canonical breeding kink, Tooth-Rotting Fluff)

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7. hello, i hope you're well. i love your blog and i read it often and now I have an ask to make ;) Do you happen to know a fic where WWX and LWY "pretend to visit a women in sleep and make them pregnant" in order to explain unwanted pregnancies and save a women's honor?

It is a crack fic but it has a lot of heart.

I read it maybe a couple of months ago, but i cannot find it anymore. I hope it's not deleted.

💕 谢谢，再见 @amrame​

FOUND! Taking Responsibility by deliciousblizzardshark (T, 6k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Getting Together, Trope Subversion/Inversion, Pretend mpreg, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Fluff and Crack)

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8. I want to know ff name in which wei Ying is a female and he is going to live with male lan wangi, as he is her sister friend. In ff there is a line like " i am a man Wei Ying ". @yizhan12

FOUND? tell me what’s your motive by sweetlolixo (E, 7k, wangxian, modern, fem WWX, smut, size difference, older LWJ)

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9. hiii~! hope u all are having wonderful days! I'm looking for a fic that i think is cql centric? Anyways it's one where wwx and lwj start cultivating together? Like there are multiple scenes that suggest that they try to combine using cultivation. If that's too vague as a description there's this one scene where lan wangji finds his mother's letters and how she kills herself (?) and goes missing in the nighttime?

Sorry for the vagueness... it's been so long since i read it! 😅

FOUND! ❤️ Gentians in bloom by teawater (M, 251k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, AU after cold spring, Political Marriage, Dysfunctional Family, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, LQR bashing (not really), POV Multiple, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Eventual Happy Ending, BAMF WWX, JC is actually a lot better than canon, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, YZY bashing (again not completely) )

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10. Hello hello! I really want to read this fic again and I’ve given up on searching for it. It’s post-cql and a very fluffy fic. Wwx and Lwj share hazelnut cakes. They roam in Caiyi and meet a vendor lady selling combs and she tries to matchmake Wwx and her daughter. She tells them that they should buy combs for their beloved and I'm pretty sure Lwj was considering buying a comb. Please help! This has been bugging me quite a lot. Thank you and have a great day!

FOUND? I hope that you will come and meet me by feyburner (M, 28k, wangxian, post-canon, getting together, love letters, hurt/comfort, cuddling & snuggling, literal sleeping together, intimacy, first time)

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11. Hello mods, looking for this awesome AU I was reading where Wen Xu takes LWJ as his warprize at CR and makes him go through some horrible things. WWX tries to help him at the Wen lectures and LWJ refuses but they kind of get together after fighting the Tortoise. but then Wen Chao attacks the Jiangs and captures WWX. LWJ is NOT a courtesan and WWX isn't either, and the Wens don't have a whole harem or anything.

tysm for your help, been looking all over and I rly want to finish reading!!!

NOT FOUND! tarnish, lustre, gold by iliacquer (E, 22k, wangxian, LWJ/WX, graphic depictions of violence, rape/non-con, ABO, mpreg, forced marriage, forced/coerced pregnancy, infidelity, alpha WWX, omega LWJ, alpha WX, bottom LWJ, reproductive coercion, mating cycles/in heat, knotting, YLLZ WWX, domestic violence, whump, misgendering, happy ending)

FOUND! 忍辱负重 | to bear the burden of humiliation by dragongirlG (E, 106k, wangxian, LWJ/WX, WWX/other(s), WWX/WC, graphic depictions of violence, rape/non-con, sexual slavery, domestic violence, wen indoctrination, xuanwu cave, prisoner of war, warprize, humiliation, non-con bondage, non-con body modification, golden core destruction/melting, dual cultivation, revenge, whump, hurt little comfort, protective LWJ & WWX, hopeful ending)

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12. Hello, I'm looking for two specific fanfics.

A) The first one is about WangXian having an arranged marriage and Wei Ying in the beginning tries to get along with Lan Zhan but then when he notices that he's not very responsive he ends up being kind of like cold to him but in the end they do realize that they love each other also Wei Ying is mostly a stay at home husband and there are no original characters in this one. I'm pretty sure it has multiple chapters but I may be wrong.

B) The second one is a case fic one where WangXian go to this town where apparently the Yiling laozu is terrorizing but it turns out to be Jin Zixuns son who he himself has possessed and they solve it. The juniors were in there I think at least I remember Jin Ling was. Thank you so much in advance! @amaraxoxo98​

12A)

FOUND? A Marriage Story by DeviyudeThoolika (E, 38k, WangXian, Sex is complicated, Angst, Pining while fucking, Mature elements., Mutual Pining, Arranged Marriage, Sort Of, Misunderstandings, of epic proportions)

12B)

FOUND? Don't Turn Your Heart by sami (T, 29k, wangxian, WQ/JC/LXC, JYL/JZX, XY/MXY, hurt/comfort, family, shenanigans, some violence)

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13. For your next fic finder... I've suddenly remembered this elusive fic. I'm pretty sure it was a canon era BDSM AU (in that people have inherent dom/sub dynamics), and WWX was a sub that had been raised/socialized as a dom by the Jiang sect. The fic was set during the CR study arc, and IIRC something happened in the library that caused WWX to drop hard, revealing the truth to everybody. It's not The Hilt Lies Well In Hand by HeavenlySkyfarer, or A Gesture of Companionship by Khashana. Help?

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14. Helloo I would like to request to find this fic in which I remember there was wei wuxian who had owned a diner? And it was like open until the wee hours of morning. I think he also had some eating problems? And sleeping problems? I also remember that he had cut contact with everyone except wen qing and wen ning who he had met after he moved away... I'm pretty sure lan zhan finds him first but the memory is a bit hazy since I haven't read it in a long time and I can't find it anymore 😭.

FOUND? ❤️ 不晚 | a lovely light by seagaze (T, 62k, wangxian, modern, midnight diner au, CW for eating and sleeping disorders, happy ending)

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15. Hi I was wondering if you could please help me find a fic? Basically the story starts off as this shadow always hunting wy so the whole Jiang dynamics changes as their protective of wy, later on come to find out that shadow following wy is his future self trying to kill him so he doesn’t “ruin the jiangs” or something along those lines, hoping u can help me as I’ve been trying so long to find this fic again 😭

FOUND? Beyond the Darkness by ULTIOcean (T, 73k, WangXian, WWX-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Pining, Oblivious WWX, A sprinkle of horror here and there, injuries, Blood, Canon Divergence, Different Beginnings, OOC for some characters, Mainly WWX JC and JZX, Follows the Donghua's events, Mystery, Copious amounts of affection, jc's dogs, Time Skips, WWX POV)

FOUND? Building a home by R95irth (T, 586k, CSSR/WCZ, JFM/YZY, wangxian, JC/WQ, JYL/JZX, 3zun, BSSR/LY, MS/Sisi, canon divergence, time travel fix-it, everyone lives au, angst w happy ending, horror, nightmares, family fluff, found family, babies)

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16. Hi, for the next fic finder I need help finding 2 fics that I read on AO3. A) During the first siege Wei Ying uses the Soul Summoning Ritual to bring back Jiang Yanli's soul in his body and the Yanli runs to Jiang Cheng and says something like "A-Cheng it's me.". B) During the Wen Settlement days one morning Wen Qing walks into Wei Ying’s cave and finds him dead on his bed. I think he died due to an illness and Wen Qing wasn't suprised to find him dead. Thank you for your help. @bluekittenfire

16A)

FOUND! A Final Sacrifice by FrozenHawFlakes (T, <1k, major character death, Angst, Protective Siblings, Family Feels, family love, everything is worse off for everyone, except maybe JL, but he has another set of problems, What-If, Canon Divergence)

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17. Hi, could you possibly help me find a Lan Wangji x Wei Wuxian fanfiction? I had read it, but now that I am trying to look for it, I can't find it anymore. It was in a modern setting. Wangxian were already married but had many misunderstandings. Wuxian believed that Lan Wangji was in love with someone else named 'William Williamson'. Other characters that appeared were Lan Xichen, Lan Qiren, Nie Huaisang, Jiang Cheng. Lan Xichen had a whole thing going on with his relation issues too. Thank you.

FOUND? A Marriage Story by DeviyudeThoolika (E, 38k, WangXian, Sex is complicated, Angst, Pining while fucking, Mature elements., Mutual Pining, Arranged Marriage, Sort Of, Misunderstandings, of epic proportions)

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18. I can't find a fic where Wei Ying died at canon and woke up from coma in modern world where everyone is alive and good. And they think Wei Ying is dreaming. Wei Ying is also confused. Everyone is good even madam yu and fengmin. And he's also lan zhans husband there. Thank u

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19. Hello! I'm trying to find a fic that I read a little while ago. wwx is a dm and is writing a chinese inspired homebrew campaign and lwj is a publisher. wwx has a fox spirit npc and adds a dragonji character when he starts to fall in love with lwj. The story ends with lwj helping wwx to publish his system. Thanks! @worlds-of-else​

FOUND? 🧡 Where’s Your Emergency? by trippednfell (M, 64k, WangXian, 911 Dispatcher WWX, Single dad LWJ, Kid fic, Modern AU, D&D Games, Angst with a happy ending)

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20. hii!!!! im looking for a fic in which wwx is badly hurt, and the lan doctor tells him that the only way he can survive is through dual cultivation. lwj immediately goes to do the deed because he can't stand wwx in pain. they get together in the end! but it has a little of angst! their first time is a little sad because wwx is very hurt but they love each other a lot and get quicly together! thank you

FOUND? as amber of ember glows by occultings (microcomets) (E, 11k, WangXian, Sex Pollen, Marathon Sex, Multiple Orgasms, Mutual Pining, First Time, Miscommunication, Aphrodisiacs, pining for the person you're fucking, Getting Together, mostly) sounds like one of occulting's fics, maybe 'as amber of ember glows' but there are several along this line so I can't be certain?

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[thecat-inthehat]

Phew! Another year done! A huge, huge thank you to @sea-wolf-coast-to-coast​ for hosting yet another year, and for five years of this~ This is my second year participating, and I’m surprised I managed to get as much done as I did, with how hectic this past few months have been for me. I’ll eventually put these up on my Ao3, but for now I wish to melt into a puddle.

SOMEONE tell me not to try and do individual banners for each prompt next year. Phew. I might do a roundup of the ones I really like later though!

Stats! Total word count: Officially submitted 37,978; My doc says 38,708; and bc of deleting a few paragraphs of false starts, my total count is probably around 39,500 of actual writing Total prompts completed: 29, some were make-up days Shortest prompt: 29. Debonair (399), 13. Oneirophrenia (401) Longest prompt: 11. Preaching to the Choir (3400) Average prompt length: ~1310 words

Things that surprised me: -Again, how much I wrote. More than last year, by about 8k! -Shining Comet seemed to take center stage for a lot of TDP writing, probably because I know I’m going to be taking her through EW first -I wrote a Magnus Archives crossover, and it wasn’t for Shining’s whole doppelgänger deal? What??? -I wrote more gen fic than anything, and ended up writing mostly for my various AUs, instead of just fic without my characters.

Personal Favorites

6. Avatar -  “Oh, Ala Mhigo’s haunted haunted” combined with some very long conversations with my friend over which SB antagonists would be affiliated with which Dread Power 11. Preaching to the Choir - How many Drakenier and Star Wars references can I stuff into this before it’s not XIV fanfic anymore? How much free real estate can I call for the pre-sundered world before it’s just my own original story? All that and more for the low, low price of fantastic imagery and some ideas about what kind of threats Azem had to face on the regular. 15. Thunderous - An attempt to better pin down Helisent’s unique powers, as well as some bedrock for her and Lyse’s relationship. I also just. Like it a lot. 23. Soul - this started off as “Oh yeah I need to say that Cylva is Nive’s reflection” and then it turned into FEELINGS and I came out with a new ship and some really good prose 24. Illustrious - What the fuck is the Echo. Let’s explore that and how it can manifest.

[About Me] [FFXIVWrite 2021 Masterpost] [AU masterpost]

The Daedalus Project

14. Commend (pre 2.0) | 25. Silver Lining (unposted, pre 2.0) | 16. Crane (2.x) | 1. Foster (3.x) | 15. Thunderous (4.0) | 27. Benthos (4.0) | 9. Firable (4.0) | 17. Destruct (4.4) | 23. Soul (pre 5.0) | 20. Petrichor (5.0) | 22. Fluster (5.0)  | 30. Abstracted (post 5.0) | 2. Aberrant (5.4) | 5. Horror (5.4) |

The Daedalus Project: Anacrusis (pre-sundering era)

11. Preaching to the Choir | 12. Culpability | 18. Devil’s Advocate | 28. Bow

Growing Wings

4. Baleful

Featherpoint Repose (Either pre 2.0, or early 2.0)

8. Adroit | 10. Heady | 21. Feckless | 24. Illustrious | 29. Debonair | 31. Budding

Ardbert and the Warriors of Darkness

7. Speculate | 13. Oneirophrenia

Magnai Oronir Propagada

3. Scale

The Magnus Archives crossover

6. Avatar

[pocketramblr]

Poll Results

Alright, that’s it, i’m tired of trying to sort the answers so yall just get the big list of all the free response answers to that quiz about ofa. be aware some are less safe for work than others.

memorable ones: OfA Snickerdoodle, I’d Give It To A Cat, So You Know Vore Right?, I’m in Love With Nana, Slicey Blood Oath, and Homoerotic Sword Fight

(My answer above is how I think it did happen, not how I want it to happen.) I personally think something along the lines of a Bruce Banner Jennifer Walker blood transfusion where the OFA holder doesn’t realize they’ve passed it on until later.

a tender kiss. perhaps loving. perhaps they're dying, and i already knew that they loved me, either platonically or otherwise, and we always knew that i'd be next. perhaps they tried so hard to make sure it never happened, and perhaps that tender kiss as an apology as much as it is a gift. sure sucks to be gay i guess 

Peacefully? By doing the do and making it a wonderful moment of lovemaking and passing on the future.. If we're in the middle of battle you bet your freaking butt I want them to kiss me dramatically, tell me they love me, and then yeet me away as they turn back to the fight. Ow but relationship goals. 

If we're not romantic because I am obsessed with the Duo Holders ship currently, blood works fine. Ingest it or have them pressing a bloody palm into a wound of mine *shrugs* Gotta pass it along somehow

Personally, I'd rather drink blood instead of hair. It feels less gross. But I'd pass it on as hair just to fuck with my successor

Hair or blood eating, but no touchy-touchy or whatever thx.

Probably a vial of blood so it’s easy and over quick

kiss 👉👈

i would like it to be blood from an already opened wound just cause it would probably less weird, ..........but knowing my luck and because irl my sister has attempted to feed me her baby teeth by shoving it to my lips and saying "eat", thats actually how i would get ofa. ( >:/ i have almost eaten at least two teeth this way because i thought she was being nice and giving me candy )

Consider: doing one of those blood oath things where you swear to be BFFs for eternity except now you also get a quirk out of it. But lbr kissing is way more romantic and you’ve made First/Second my new OTP, so I’ll stick with that for them. <3 But also, maybe to make the kiss option more romantic First thought something more along the lines of wishing he could give ~everything he has/all of himself~ to Second which counted as including his quirk, rather than specifically about giving him the power to defeat his brother?

This is going to sound gross but all ways of transferring DNA is. Just work up a sweat and have the other party drink it. It would probably be the best tasting option which is kinda a weird thing to think about. Nvm sweat doesn't contain DNA looked it up but I don't want to delete all of this so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe a scraping of skin cells

Honestly the hair is probably the way I'd want to go. That or blood. Like just swallowing it.

Look, i know realistically it was probably some desparate on-the-brink-of-death "please defeat my brother" thing and oo, magic he gets the quirk. But consider. First's last fight with afo. Second is holding his bleeding body, crying. First gently cups Second's cheek and pulls him into a bloody kiss before dying. Second pulls himself together just long enough to flip off afo, barely resisting the urge to absolutely slaughter him, knowing he would lose. He finds his successor and trains him to the best of his ability, determined to not lose another person he cared for

I mean like dead skin cells probably dont work right? Except hair works so thats not true. So like you totally could lick someone to get OFA. Like could you imagine the whole holding your hand over someones mouth to shut them up but they lick you and they somehow wind up with your quirk, like crazy. What must have been the trial and error with this stuff cause they must have kept passing it inbetween each other to figure out its dna right. How long did it take for them to realize. Like you’re eating breakfast and theres a hair in your food like ew and why am i stronger now. Overall, comedic timing for getting a quirk would be hilarious.

My apprentice lays broken and bloody beneath me as I cradle them in my arms, crying on to an open wound on their face praying the power will be enough to save them

little bit of skin like a hang nail just like put it in a sandwich and dont thing about it

Put it in my coffee.

If I received it from Nana then I would love to have received it via eating her out~ though for passing it on to others I think I would just either spit into their mouths or shove a bleeding finger down their throat until they swallow and then run and get myself killed by AfO while taunting him with "I DON'T HAVE YOUR BROTHER'S QUIRK ANYMORE! SUCK MY NON-EXISTENT DICK YOU LOSER!"

knock me out and just inject the blood. if i have to actively think abt ingesting someone elses dna im gonna yeet myself into the ocean. to pass it on i'll just spit in a cup (or in their mouth) bc im not gonna make someone eat my hair nor is anyone getting my blood

who in their right mind would trust me with a power like ofa 💀afo just looks at me funny the quirk is his. im not a mc for a reason

Sexy battle where I’m the villain, and randomly the hero thinks “I wish I could save you”. Boom I punch them with bloody knuckles and the quirk passes to me. Now the hero has to teach me how to be good again. Also we fall in love.

You know, I always assumed I would head canon it as something romantic until canon proved me wrong But these options are so varied - I had to choose the most Dramatic (tm) one As for my actual answer: a gentle kiss with full consent from both parties

I will bite a holder as a sign of affection. There's probably some dead skin cells in the arm I can swallow by accident. They are used to this and sometimes we switch the quirk around for funsies.

You know, I spent like 10 minutes trying to think of something original here, but knowing my shit luck some bastard would spit in my drink or something and cast upon me the Curse of Bone Breaking and/or.... y’know..... AFO...........

okay this is gonna sound weird but. consider this i marry a very lovely women. we are in much love. we get attacked by evil people because she is a good hero but plot twist. i am secretly her nemisis. the attackers are my minions. i wanted her to protect me because i am very smol but. my comrades were too mean. she is nearly dead. "take this" she says. she kisses me and i am one for all. fuck, i say internally, but i dont tell her. she dies in my arms. i run and become vigilante and take down my once comrades. all is not well. i die unsatisfied. i eventually pass it onto a cat in an alleyway because they are the only one who is with me when i get hit with a back alley sniper

Blood or just like. skin. You could use nail clippers to take a bit off from a really fleshy area, like just under the nail. It's that easy

Spit in my food like an underpaid fast food worker.

i have long hair so that would not be ideal, but blood seems kinda...unsanitary, but i guess it would be better if i was 100% positive i wouldn't pass on some sort of disease. so if that could be ascertained then like a few drops of blood in a glass of water or something and then down the hatch, bam ofa passed on. i know other folks are probably typing some nsfw stuff but just. no. keep it in your pants y'all.

Blood transfusion First, pick a hospital Second, steal all their blood Third, have the previous user donate their blood to that hospital Fourth, get into a major accident and need a blood transfusion near the hospital you robbed Fifth, hope either OfA will only pass onto you bc your the intended recipient, or that no one else needs a blood transfusion Sixth, get the transfusion Seventh, steal all of the previous users blood back Eigth, return all the other stolen blood Ninth, get new identities, this crime leaves DNA everywhere Tenth, die of a blood clot due to incompatible blood types (optional)

okay realistically bleeding into a cut or a drop of blood into water and drinking it would be easiest but like... what if somehow dna could be baked into like a muffin or cookie or something... like i know when cooking with wines and stuff the alcohol cooks away and evaporates out but is that process the same for like blood? like if you baked your blood into a cookie would traces of your dna still be there? basically i want an ofa cookie (snickerdoodle preferably)

no i like my bones

drink a drop of blood. it'd go down easier than hair

no

Something dramatic and desperate in the heat of battle like blood or something

First of all, I think First passed OfA as he was dying entirely on accident, because Second was badly (though not critically) injured and they'd been sort of dancing around each other's feelings and doubting their own worth, so First, knowing he was dying and that his brother was a petty bitch who would probably kill Second anyway because he knows that First cared about him, kisses Second with blood on his lips and his last thoughts before dying are about how he wants Second to have the strength to survive if his brother comes after him.

If I was given the option of getting OfA, I wouldn't take it. I'm a coward and being given something like that is a death sentence.

If it was forced, probably ingesting the previous users blood, because blood is a lot easier to choke down than hair.

If I already had it and had to pass it on, I would want it to be something suitably dramatic like collapsing on the doorstep of a trusted loved one and explaining with my dying breath who killed me and why and then raising my blood covered hand to their face like I was going to caress their cheek only for them to taste blood. They cry and try to get me take it back and when I finally die they swear vengeance over my slowly cooling corpse.

Pass it on in a non-life threatening scenario where I decide I actually don’t like the weird bone breaking power a random person gave me as they were dying and wish I could pass it to someone else and through a weird set of circumstances end up accidentally cooking some of my own hair into brownies I was making because I shed like a dog and passing it to my new neighbor I came to welcome to the neighborhood.

Either drinking a glass of milk with their saliva (no icky hair taste), or an epic sharing of blood while clasping hands like knights in a noble brotherhood!

not by eating all mights long ass hair thats for sure, why did he give midoriya one of the longest ones he had, he has shorter hair right there on the back of his head. not to mention the fact of like how i would prefer to recieve it or give it away which would be just, fucking sharing a pop or something and swaping it through the backwash??? less nasty than hair and not as weird as the other options for spit which is like straight up spitting in a drink or the other persons mouth outside of kissing. if someone told me i had to eat their hair i would straight up say no thanks, cheers for the fitness glow up tho homie

I want nana 2 kiss me, on.,, the m,,,.."#*(@÷out.h pretty lady.,

Q-tip to the inside of the cheek

Those blood pacts where you slice your hands open and do a little handshake thing. Not very creative, but idk it just appeals to me

Via consumption of blood, babey

I would want it to be with a maybe maybe not homoerotic sword fight in a Wendy's parking lot, preferably while we are both being impaled on each other's swords. The sweet pain of almost dying is a very intense moment to share isn't it?

Sweet love

Hair

If it's someone cute, a kiss. Otherwise I'd probably just swallow a hair with some water.

i'd just like. spit in their water bottle. if thats not enough dna i guess licking a paper cut it is. hair is bad idwa bc it doesn't digest and can get wrapped up in things. and like. im too aroace for kissing and such

Last option, cause first is sexy as hell

okay you know what vore is, right. and you know how blood and organ transfusions work? well...

Not at all, like?? I enjoy being alive and not having my body destroyed thank you. Literally everyone with OfA died young-ish or has suffered debilitating injuries bc of it. Like Midoriya's bones are powder, and we don't even need to go into All Might's medical history. Like thanks but no thanks no freaky dna ingestion 4 me

Had a open cut from a can lid and ofa holder had an open cut. While lamenting about fins a successor.

Blood

Assuming we can bypass the rules of canon, it would be funny as fuck is OFA was passed on by intentional physical contact. So yes, a smooch for First and Second (and Second and Third) but also. Bitchslap of destiny. Nana giving her protege one last hug. All Might ruffles Mido’s hair like a dad to pass it on. I’m sure you get it

Bleeding over an open wound

lil bit of spit in a milkshake.

I hold their hand Platonically but it's summer and we're both sweaty and they're a little loopy and having weird thoughts due to dehydration and heat lmao, literally hanging around anyone for any extended period of time guarantees you accidentally ingest SOME of their dna. Dead skin cells are floating through the air ~constantly~ and if you have a friend I promise you've inhaled their dead skin cells before. Have fun with that knowledge!!

ok so like deffo a kiss, but in canon people get weird biological urges for using their quirks, like bby Toga drinking bird blood. First has had a LOT of "spit in their drink" intrusive thoughts over the years. immediately post first-kiss he is mystified that his intrusive thoughts have disappeared entirely, but then BAM it seems that second has the stockpile now, and with it, a preoccupation with vampire lore

drink from the same water bottle?

“EAT THIS!”

Pass it on by making them lick my arm because that would make them rly uncomfortable, passed to me by spiting in my 20oz Red Bull and then chugging it

[escxpiism]

( olivia holt, 23, she/her ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of ALICE ADAMS. they’re the EMPLOYEE who’s known around the office as THE MASK if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re ADAPTABLE but JADED, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who CATFISHED DAVID HASSELHOFF. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

hi y’all !! i’m may ( 21 // est // she/her ) and i am super super pumped to be here !! i’m also very much writing this against my better judgment ya girl’s running on four hours of sleep and has the option to sleep more but......... is not tired ?? so i do apologize if my mind is secretly tired and makes this intro,,,, even worse than it would be fahouedn. on with the show !! anyway anyway!! feel free to like this if u wld like 2 plot and i will hit u up!!

( also, for some vibes if you so choose to read, here’s the link to her playlist ! )

----------------------------------------------------

QUICK FACTS:

full name: alice audrey adams

date of birth: october 26th, 1997

*will not perfectly reflect the zodiac big three below because that’s.... math.

zodiac big three: scorpio sun, virgo moon, taurus rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual

education: ged, bachelor’s degree in film — pratt institute

enneagram: 4w3

mbti: enfp

temperament: sanguine-melancholic

label: the mask

various inspirations: “nutshell” - alice in chains, “santa monica” - everclear, “polly” - nirvana, “jennifer’s body” - hole, “creep” - stone temple pilots, kate wallis ( cruel summer - shhhh ), heather davis ( crazy ex-girlfriend ), satana hellstrom ( marvel comics ), bojack horseman - without the amount of problematic ego ( bojack horseman ), eddie huang ( fresh off the boat ), the great britney spears evolution ( temporarily stopping at circus era )

BACKSTORY:

triggers in order: toxic family dynamic, grooming (nothing super in-depth), kidnapping (? like it was ‘willing’ but no. see next trigger for why), toxic “relationship” (and 11yr age gap w/ a 16y/o we hate it), straight-up captivity, very brief mention of suicide + heroin (very!)

*would like to quickly preface that this isn’t just Dark for the sake of being r/im14andthisisdeep but that’s for a later time **(also! i have markers for where the grooming + Super Dark parts begin and end! -- also, the Super Dark part is all very public knowledge. had articles. media frenzy. first thing that comes up if you google her name) *** also. if u need it then a tl;dr is below this section hfkldsa

alice audrey adams was born to the type of family that names all of their children alliterative names ( however, they sadly didn’t get their own kardashian-style show )... alexis adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... alfie allison adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... born to anna adams and allen adams... we hate it here.

as u can see... all of the kids were basically named after allen... they all had ‘al’ names.... extremely confusing 

plot-twist: THAT’S the darkest part

the adams were very concerned with public image. as a family in the upper echelon, they simply had to be! a narcissist father, a distant mother, put in competition with her siblings — there was no truly healthy dynamic in the household. but they looked good. they went to church every sunday, a ‘wwjd’ sticker on the back of her mother’s car. they did just enough activities and took just enough trips together to get the image across. they threw parties. they attended parties. they were the picture perfect american family — they even had two cats in the yard! life used to be so hard! 

of course, in reality, this all left ms alice quite the lonely gal. but don’t worry! she didn’t turn to hedonism! lord no! instead, she turned to other people. a lot of friendships — couldn’t tell if they were real or #fortheclout — but at a point, did it matter? 

grooming tw: it all came to a screeching halt when she met luke johnson, the son of their neighbors. he came back from california to georgia to visit family, care for his ailing father. oh, he was a good man! sure, he was ‘somewhat’ older than her — 27 when she was 16 — but he was such a good, handsome young man! and they were all still calling him young man, after all. 

alice ‘began’ a torrid affair with luke after about a month into his visit. although she saw no immediate wrong in it, he insisted she keep it a secret ‘for the time being’ — which really just made it all the more exciting! he made all the storm clouds that hovered disappear.

one day, the levee broke for alice (still figuring out what exactly happened because i don’t wanna go too dark since this is already extremely dark, but trust that it had something to do with her parents and was just enough to push her over the edge). convinced luke was the only safe person, she turned to him. knowing their small community would catch on and essentially exile him, he took that opportunity to convince her to go back to santa monica with him where they could ‘start anew’ after his father’s death.

there are a few details i plan on adding regarding like. how legality playing into it. but i may just reserve those for an official bio lhakfsdfj

**BEGINNING OF SUPER DARK** for a while, there was the question of whether they should consider it a kidnapping or not. she went with him willingly, but she was still underage (and… you know, that age difference… the power dynamic... gross y’all). the adams insisted that it was (bc it basically was lbr) — primarily because it would make them look far better — but the community still questioned the logistics and legalities of it all… ugh. did the police really wanna deal with that? ugh. 

in any case, on the other side of us america, autumn was nearing. alice would have the very occasional inquiry over how school would work (very occasional! don’t worry, luke!), over the logistics of her new life… and, after receiving multiple calls from various friends (in addition to her siblings) that sounded genuine, began wondering… if she’d made the right choice. questions about him.

when she began bringing up the idea of going back — at least for the school year!! — he would continuously remind her that she was not old enough to buy herself a plane ticket (and he was not about to do that). she also couldn’t rent a car yet (and he certainly wouldn’t let her take (one of) his car(s)!). but most importantly? he loved her. and she loved him. (what a creep!)

so, for a hot second, it seemed like she was stuck. damn legalities!! damn love!! you know, until she texted her older sister back with all of the problems that only being 16... and “in love”.... caused. her sister offered to fly down, buy her a plane ticket, and fly back with her. 

when luke saw this (with all the unrestricted access to her phone he had so he could block, delete, and manipulate as he pleased), he confronted her. things went awry. she wound up in his budding wine cellar (which he soon emptied, of course… those merlots :( ….). he messaged back and, as her, said it was actually all good!! luke had figured out the logistics and she could call whenever she wanted!!

and those calls became frequent! because she would pick up when luke held it up to her! because she was pretty sure luke would kill her if she didn’t!

she wasn’t sure how long it was until she was officially Found. it took what was ruled a suicide by luke, a shot to the head and heroin in his system, to finally get any authority’s attention. all she knew was that she went to santa monica in mid june and she stopped seeing regular daylight by late july. so some time in august to some time in april… **END OF SUPER DARK + GROOMING**

she was returned to georgia shortly after and everything was different. from herself to her friends. but everything was also the same. from her room to her family. it was all… teasing. she began going to therapy, but she really sucked at it?? so she just let her therapist rely on various articles that covered the event. because it had been a media circus. good enough, amirite?? 

she didn’t have the will or patience to put on that peppy facade she’d had before, but there were still a few things she found a smidge of joy in. music (although her taste had… slightly altered and wow! it’d been almost a year since she’d picked up that bass!), videography… just those small things, you know?? 

for the first half of the ~ 2014 fall semester ~, she attempted actual school. really was not working out. with, for probably the first and only time, her parents’ approval and understanding, she dropped out and studied for a ged -- shorter and self-led -- instead. 

she passed with a pretty decent grade... but it’s been argued that she really shouldn’t have gotten into pratt institute (she was at least realistic and didn’t apply to, like… cornell), but she did. national news helps. 

while in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, she learned of masters. she submitted an application as a joke — because her grades sucked!!!!! — but guess who got a job?? oh, she could pretend it was because her selected portfolio was actually genuinely good… but, man… we all know…

fun fact: my uncle applied to harvard as a joke. some twenty-five years later, we still haven’t heard back :\

she… continues to suck. like… she kinda wants the place to eventually burn down?? figuratively speaking (or is it…) but ya, for all the monopolizing she has seen turn people Evil?? but the hell can she do about it… just gotta make sure she keeps her in-house videographer job… maybe she can do something about it when she like… is capable. fuaihoelwdjkn

she sees an in-house therapist and i’d say ‘good for her,’ but it was mandated l m a o 

doesn’t talk about herself all that much!! but that might not matter for some people, yk?? ugh journalism <3 

y’all im so bad at ending intros.

TL;DR:

(consult above trigger list): bright kid in a super rich and toxic family because obviously. everything they did was just to look good <3 also they all had ‘a’ names which is the biggest tragedy of all :( ‘fell in love’ when she was 16ys/o with a 27y/o who was visiting to care for his father in his final days. had a torrid affair. creep. creep (luke) basically made her ‘fall in love.’ she thought creep was the only safe person at one point and creep was like ‘wanna go back 2 santa monica w me?’ and she was like ‘yes.’ and everyone was like ‘was this kidnapping... we cant tell....’ then he became even more possessive when she started questioning him and some logistics. when she finally found a way she could go back to georgia for a spell, he was like ‘no u can go in my wine cellar btw i will be taking all of the wine out.’ he kept her there from august to april and... only reason he didnt keep keeping her was bc he was Caught so. back to georgia where the devil went down. everything was Worse. even the things that were the same. but hey, the sob story that landed her in the news plenty of times got her into a college she shouldn’t have gotten into and gave her a leg-up in a joke application for a job at masters (in-house videographer). really bad at doing her work but like... fuck the man i guess?? 

PERSONALITY + HEADCANONS:

has no time for Fake Nice (which, as a born southerner, she’s really good at sniffing out!). has no time for arrogance. kind of makes her at odds with the nyc upper class...

on that note, still got a lil bit of some georgia twang

she lets herself indulge in various vices, but has left a previous hedonist status. weed and alcohol are still pretty common, but everything else is kept at arm’s length.

also, while on that topic, she Does Not drink wine. being trapped in a cellar... kinda makes u averse. like. literally despises it. will go on autopilot and make it KNOWN if offered wine.

also ALSO while on that topic, after looking it up and seeing she fits the new york city requirements, she has a medical marijuana card <3 the one good thing, if u ask her, to come out of therapy/psychiatry <3 will not show it off unless absolutely NECESSARY bc then it gets personal or <3 will lie about why and say it’s like for epilepsy or sumn unless ur rolfe but <3 she has it <3

at odds with herself. enjoys the company of others, definitely has a history of being an extrovert, but has become very selective with the company she keeps. 

VERY private person! has had enough public standing! 

...has occasionally used her story to advance her tho bc it’s her national newsworthy tragic story and she can exploit it if she wants <3

when good charlotte said “i don’t wanna be in love”?? she felt that. her last ‘relationship’ ruined that for her <3 save her <3 

used to be really into pop! bc pop is fun! she loved some britney (i mean... she still does... how can u not!)! but. her taste has changed drastically. rarely listens to pop. has traded britney for like.... hole and the like.

her parents didn’t use this as the basis for her name but,, 2 me,,, she’s named alice for a reason <3 gotta luv alice in chains <3

y’all i found a youtube comment on a video called ‘nirvana - half the man i used to be’ (the song was, in fact, ‘creep’ by stone temple pilots) and it’s <3 her music taste <3 click here for it <3

the above said, dresses like she’s in seattle in the early 90s. 

her rumor is true btw she DID catfish david hasselhoff and she will proudly tell u. it’s her best accomplishment.

completely stopped talking to her parents and got cut-off a while back ago so now she’s livin like the Prols

which is how a rich kid one of my profs once advised referred to his classmates.... hilarity ensues.

the above in mind, her parents say she’s testing the waters as a ‘normal person’ to save face. they can’t have anyone knowing their family isn’t perfect <3

she has a pet turtle whom she named “dr. turtle,” although he’s constantly referred to as “doc” or “the doc.” he has his own youtube channel and tiktok account.

she has a wall full of evidence that courtney love did not kill kurt cobain... it makes sense, believe me.

became a vegetarian...... partially because it was different from her original life and a way to control something, partially because this commercial made her feel SO BAD.

literally her default mode is stoned like... a totally sober alice is rarer than a nessie sighting

when she was 18, before she could ‘hold her liquor’ as well as she can now, she got a lil too drunk and now has a portrait tattoo of courtney love on her forearm. but it was done well at least!!

kind of ironic considering her career, but RARELY posts on any social media site except twitter. after the media circus in 2014 and All Eyes On Her, she’s just..... so tired...... of ppl seeing her face and being like ‘omg ur that wine cellar bitch!’

(drugs tw) has become more and more Addicted to playing around with fate. j chill on a ledge, talkin to some pals, but deciding it’s a good idea to swing her legs on the wrong side of ledge? totally! mixing a lot of alcohol with opioids which she is not accustomed to? DEF!! (end tw)

more to come!!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

i have two (2) queued up!! but while we wait for them to post, i’ll just… link them over here: 1, 2

muse u <3 the other half of her subplot from the main <3

her older sister!

her younger sibling!

some of the basics!! you know: close pal, roommate, drug buddies (but she gotta hit them up), fwb, ons, frenemies, enemy

ppl who recognize her from the 2014 luke johnson articles and have either brought it up or,,,,,,, act Awkward™

cld be fun 2 just have like. a jam bud. someone who plays any instrument and they j. jam sometimes.

ppl she sells. some of her medical marijuana to. bc yk what weed may be legal in nyc now but,,,, she’s still found a way to be broke she will accept anything. and also it just became legalized THIS YEAR so!!

i have a budding wc page @ https://escxpiism.tumblr.com/wcs (and when i say budding, i MEAN budding) so feel free 2 check it out!!

more to come!!

[booksinsteadofdrugs]

my thoughts on captain america: civil war (2016)

wow i haven't watched this movie in a while everyone looks so different

okay yeah, start the movie with bucky being tortured why not, it's not like i feel bad enough for him already

seb... babe i love you but who made you say отвечач instead of отвечать (okay okay, i'm just joking i know it's a small pronouncation mistake)

steve&nat teaching wanda how to watch her back during a mission is so cute (also wow, my queen has come a long way since this movie)

"he's cute go on pet him" SAM STOP PQJDOWBDIW

i feel like rumlow could've been used more in these movies why did they just kill him off like that

"who's the homeless person on the couch" i love howard

"if that's true you'll be a great man someday" and he did become a great man howard, he did, indeed

tony feels guilty about sokovia, wanda feels guilty about lagos and bucky feels guilty about his past. give them a break marvel

zemo switching into his own accent as soon as he got the hydra agent tied up lmao

"compromise where you can, and where you can't, don't. even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. even when the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree and say no. you move." sharon believed that with her whole heart and look what they did to her now I'M MAD

"staying together is more important than how we stay together" and she gave her life for them at the end no matter how much she didn't want to go

THE KING HAS ARRIVED (we miss you chadwick)

''we have orders to shoot on sight" meanwhile bucky: oooh lemme get some plums

ok so caramel chocolate bars are bucky's favourite, that's good to know

awww bucky couldn't even control his strength in this movie (throwing people off the stairs, hitting them with bricks, punching the shit out of them) and now he is barely even using his metal arm bc he's scared of killing people AWW MY BABY

i swear to god if sam wasn't there to save these two's asses all the time *eye roll*

oOOHHH THE CHASING SCENE WAS SO GOOD

when bucky grabbed that motorcycle we all felt something right?

i remembered how much it broke my heart when rhodey said "congratulations sam, you're a criminal"

vision cooking for wanda is still the cutest thing in this movie

"so you like cats" SAM

the fact that they were so scared of bucky that they had to put him in an extremely protected capsule thing... THE POWER HE HOLDS

"pregnant?" "uh, definitely not" and a few years later we see morgan wearing her mother's helmet WHY AM I MAKING MYSELF CRY

i love how steve was actually about to sign the accords until tony mentioned wanda

i forgot how much i wanted to punch zemo in this movie, he was literally so desperate to find bucky that he had to turn 7 billion people against him

"let's talk about your home, not romania, certainly not brooklyn no" well, we have some news for you zemo

the look on bucky's face when he sees the notebook and how he immediately starts screaming after hearing "рассвет" hurts my soul

BUCKYNAT BUCKYNAT BUCKYNAT

sebastian looked so ripped in this movie holy moly

wtf he really is like a death machine he could've easily killed steve in that helicopter scene

OH I FORGOT THIS WAS TOM'S FIRST APPEARANCE IN THE MCU WTF

"it's so hard for me to believe she is someone's aunt", "we come in all shapes and sizes you know" AUNT MAY I ADORE YOU

"i retire for like what 5 minutes and it all goes to shit" well he's not wrong

"move or you will be moved" ayo always steals the show with one line (tfaws spoilers guess?)

the scene that started it all guys "can you move your seat up" "no"

"thinks for thanking of me" SCOTT LANG IS A TREASURE ALRIGHT

"suit up" YEAH AND DON'T THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES SHARON WILL PAY FOR BRINGING YOUR TOYS

when the craziest thing happened in the mcu was spidey joining the avengers ah good old times

the airport fight was sooo good omg

i love t'challa is just like ''just lemme kill barnes i don't care about your white nonsense"

"i didn't kill your father" "then why did you run?" UHMMM I DON'T KNOW SIR MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO CHOKE HIM BEFORE HE HAS A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF??

scott's "hohoho" will never not be funny for me

this movie got me so hyped up for a possible buckynat storyline dude i'm still mad, they had such potential

peter getting scared of tony approaching him shows how hard their job actually is i feel so bad for them

vision accidentally shooting rhodey OH MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS

and wtf did sam do tony for fucks sake

zemo calling the hotel from moscow so they can find the body in the bathtub lsndjsbdjs he's such a diva

avengers getting treated like criminals is still pissing me the fuck off

"you better go get a bad cop cause you're gonna have to go mark furhman on my ass to get information out of me" OKAY MY FAV SAM WILSON LINE

zemo killing all the winter soldiers instead of waking them up is a great way to show his ideology actually

"there's a bit of green in the blue of your eyes" well that sounds poetic

i don't know which is worse: seeing tony watching his mom killed, or the amount of guilt bucky must've felt in that moment, or the way tony managed to keep his cool until he realized steve acted like he didn't know the entire time AGH IT HURTS

"i remember all of them" and that look on his face SEBASTIAN STOP

the fight between steve&tony&bucky was actually one of the best scenes in the mcu in my opinion, especially when bucky's arm gets destroyed (seriously tho, watching the way he pushes tony into the wall, trying to rip off the arc reactor with his metal arm and the fury in his eyes agh i love this scene)

aww zemo deleting the voice message of his wife before attempting to kill himself broke my heart

i remember crying in the cinema watching steve and tony beat the shit out of each other... my friend who's never seen any of the mcu movies before was looking at me like i was an alien

bucky still trying to protect steve by gripping tony's foot i- HE LOVES STEVE SO MUCH

oh when tony lifted his hand to protect his face with that terried look, he thought steve was gonna finish him

i!!! wanna!!! die!!!

"are you tony stank?" stan lee we miss you, you beautiful man♡

"i've been on my own since i was 18" having multiple illnesses, and probably mental ones as well, steve only had bucky on his side. he was the only one who always got his back, making sure he was okay, always protecting him. so he knew he had to do the same. bucky was the best friend he ever had.

soo, this gave me enough trauma for today. i think i'm gonna go cry until the next episode of tfaws.

[robinrunsfiction]

Best Laid Plans (Ryan Seaman x Reader)

Pairing: Ryan Seaman x Reader Rating: General Requested By: scrolling-my-life-away “Ok so either with frank or Ryan S (bc there are not enough of him) where band members keep trying to awkwardly get y’all together but it’s super cute and just lots of fluff!” Word Count: 1,700 Author’s Note: Wrote it with Ryan Seaman because there really needs to be more of him! Also what is with me and cute old people in Ryan stories?

"I can't stand it any longer," Dallon announced. "I refuse to sit by idly any longer, I have to do something."

"Babe, they're adults, they'll figure it out soon enough, don't worry about it." Dallon paced around the front of the bus as Breezy looked on, slightly exasperated.

"No, this is getting excruciating, I'm taking action." With that Dallon marched over to where you and Ryan were talking.

"Hey guys," he said with a sweet tone. “I'm bored, and I was just talking to Breezy and we've never been to this next city before, so we're thinking we can pair off and do a photo scavenger hunt.”

“Oh fun!” You replied. “Boys versus girls?”

“No!” Dallon quickly snapped and both you and Ryan looked at him surprised. “I just wanna spend some time with my wife, why don't you guys team up. I’ll send out the lists when we get there.”

You had been traveling with the band photographing all their shows and backstage moments. You considered yourself to be the documentarian of the beginning of the rise of IDKHow. When you were first hired on, you clicked with the band immediately, but more so with Ryan. You always kept it professional, but you somehow ended up with more shots of the drummer than what you could reasonably use. Ryan always seemed to gravitate to you whenever he had a free moment, such as during the long hauls between cities, looking for any excuse to talk to you.

~

When you arrived in town Dallon had found, and then specifically edited, the scavenger hunt list, to make it so you were most likely to end up in a flirtatious situation of two.

“Sound check is at 5:30, so that’s the cut off. We will see you losers when we get back.”

“Yea right,” you retorted as you started to skim over the list. Breezy and Dallon hurried out of the bus as Ryan peered over your shoulder at the list on your phone.

“A flyer for a local event, we could use the concert tonight! A red door, a kissing couple, oh they’re just gonna take a selfie for that one, aren’t they?”

“That’s what we get for letting Dallon plan the list, I guess. Ready to go?”

“Let’s do this!”

You and Ryan wandered around the city center looking for options. The town they were playing was a university town and luckily the school colors were red and white, so red doors were plentiful. You took photos of the items, and Ryan posted updates to his Instagram stories.

“Hey guys, I’m out here hanging with (YN) and we are currently beating Dallon and Breezy at this scavenger hunt,” he said into the phone as you attempted to take a photo of some baby ducks. He watched you fondly as you made noises to get the ducks to look your way. “Hey (YN), wanna really mess up Dallon's game?”

“Obviously,” you replied, your competitive side taking over.

“Come here,” you sat down next to him as he started the next video. “Alright guys, if you’re coming to our show tonight, know that Dallon is wandering out down here, and if you like me and (YN) at all, you'll go get in their way, thanks!” He signed off with a laugh. You couldn't hide your surprise at the dirty trick he just played on them. “See how well their unfair advantage works now!” Ryan said getting up.

“We only have like 2 more left,” you said looking over the list. “A kissing couple,” you felt your cheeks turn a little pink thinking it would be so fun to lean up and kiss Ryan right then, but you weren’t a couple, and that’s what you needed. You scanned the park and saw an old couple getting ice cream for the grandson. “Bingo!” you said as you started over toward them.

“Excuse me, are you two married?” You asked politely as you approached.

“45 years!” the old man exclaimed with a smile that put a smile on Ryan and your faces as well.

“We're doing a photo scavenger hunt and we need a photo of a couple kissing; can we take your photo?” Ryan asked.

“We won't put it up on the internet or anything, it’s just for us to show the other team.”

“I suppose that would be fine,” the old lady said before turning to her husband with her lips puckered. They kissed long enough for you to get a great photo of them with their grandson looking slightly disgusted off to the side. It was funny and cute.

“This turned out great, thank you so much for your help,” you said before walking away with Ryan.

“Why didn't they just kiss each other!” The old woman asked her husband when you were out of earshot.

“I thought they were going to ask me to take their picture with one of those smartphones, I’m glad they didn't, I probably would have deleted everything!”

~

You reconvened with Dallon and Breezy to review the photos you took. As you scrolled through your phones, comparing what they got versus your team, they got to a photo of them kissing.

“I knew that’s what you would do,” Ryan commented.

“Yea well, what did you guys do?” Dallon retorted.

“We met the cutest old couple, they’ve been married for 45 years!” You said pulling up the photo. Breezy aww'ed at the photo but Dallon threw up his hands, exasperated. You glanced at Ryan, who shot you a confused look as well as you continued comparing the results of the scavenger hunt.

~

A couple days later you were in another new town with an extra day before the show. These types of days were pretty rare on the tour, so everyone was excited. Dallon decided that it was time to try another way to get you and Ryan together.

"A bunch of us are going out to dinner tonight, you wanna come along?" Dallon asked you and Ryan casually that morning.

"Yea, sure sounds great," you said.

"Yea I'm in," Ryan replied.

"Perfect, the reservation will be under my name in case we're running like," Dallon said as he walked away.

"Why would he be late to his own dinner plans?" You asked.

"I dunno, but he's been acting weird lately."

You watched through narrowed eyes as Dallon went back over by his wife and started saying something to her. “Very suspicious.”

Ryan just shrugged. "I'm just excited to eat something on this tour besides fast food."

"Same," you replied.

~

You arrived at the restaurant a little early. You gave the hostess Dallon's name and you were led to a table for two secluded from the rest of the tables, lit warmly with a few small candles.

“I think there’s a mistake-” you started as the hostess sat you at the table.

“We were told you might say that, but no, this is for you,” she said before walking away.

You sat there for a few minutes feeling anxious, even more so when you saw who the hostess was bringing over.

“Hi Ryan,” you said when he sat down.

“(YN), wow, you look stunning.” You wear wearing the nicest dress you had brought with you on tour. It was short, black, and had an open back.

“Thanks, you look really nice as well. So, umm, I think I know what’s going on and why Dallon was acting so weird. We're being set up.”

“Definitely a set up,” Ryan replied with a laugh.

“I don't mind,” you said quietly.

Ryan raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Really? ‘Cause I don't either.”

You smiled warmly at Ryan, not sure what to say, but you were rescued by the waiter arriving at the table.

“Good evening, my name is Michael and I will be taking care of you tonight. I have been given specific instructions that Mr. Weekes will be taking care of the bill, so please do not hesitate when making your choices. Can I suggest a bottle of wine to get started?”

You were grinning by now, both because of the absurdity that Dallon wanted this to happen so badly, but also because you knew you were about to cut loose on that menu. “I think that sounds like a great idea, Michael.”

After a bottle of wine, almost too much food, and a lot of great conversation, you found Ryan holding your hand in his and he was smiling at you like he could hardly believe this was happening.

You and Ryan walked out of the restaurant hand in hand and down the street toward the hotel where you were all staying.

“Isn't there a park on the other side of the building?” you asked.

“Yea, I think I saw that, wanna check it out?”

“Yea,” you replied giving his hand a squeeze. You didn't want the night to end.

You walked along the path through the park, illuminated by old fashioned street lamps. Eventually you found a bench and sat down.

“Like I said before, I’m actually glad Dallon did this for us. I didn't really realize that you might have feelings for me,” you mumbled.

“I was thinking the same thing. And I didn't know if I should say anything before the tour ended, in case you didn't feel the same.”

“I’m glad this is working out,” you smiled. Ryan took the opportunity to place his hand on your cheek and leaned in, placing a sweet kiss on your lips and you kissed back. After a moment you pulled back and you were both smiling. Ryan wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you snugly against him and you rested your head on his shoulder.

“I was thinking,” you started. Ryan mmhmm'ed to let you know he was listening. “What if we play it off like this didn't work and we're still totally clueless to our feelings, just to see if we can get some more free meals put of it.”

Ryan laughed heartily at your suggestion. “That would drive him nuts! Maybe we should. Although I don't know if I can go back to not kissing you every time I want to.”

You looked up at him. “I agree, this is better.”

Masterlist

[beatconductor-blog]

AA: y0u tried t0 c0ntact me? AA: s0rry i was busy being a...grub

😎: i got as much yeah 😎: i guess you ungrubbed 😎: bc listen uh 😎: shits wild 😎: hey you know how you told me sometimes i gotta risk shit 😎: im having second thoughts AA: d0 tell 😎: id rather not 😎: jk 😎: just uh 😎: give me a moment 😎: alright so uh 😎: hey funny story did you know socks also called dave 😎: and also i shouldnt be here in the first place and this is probably the biggest mistake of my life and boy i did a lot of those AA: ... hm AA: i supp0se i AA: c0uld have put th0se things t0gether already 😎: could you or did you 😎: and does that mean were in unanimous agreement that i should gtfo yeah kay cool AA: i did n0t AA: and n0 AA: where d0 y0u want t0 gtf0 t0 😎: yanno 😎: anywhere else thats not here 😎: out of this city 😎: this universe 😎: peoples life > Deleted. AA: hmm AA: let me c0nsider this briefly AA: n0 😎: okay 😎: but uh 😎: i guess shits a lil awkward 😎: like someone shitting into the punch bowl at a wedding awkward(edited) AA: a little bit yes AA: but y0u didnt kn0w did y0u? AA: y0u still d0nt kn0w the full st0ry i assume 😎: yeah no 😎: but i know a lot of other shit 😎: and just 😎: well shit 😎: i guess this is all a lil too much too handle 😎: and im kinda still panicing 😎: look arent you proud of my incredible self-awareness AA: y0u d0nt have t0 handle it right n0w y0u kn0w AA: y0u are pr0bably still sh0cked y0u sh0uldnt decide anything right n0w 😎: alright whos gonna do the deciding then tho AA: im deciding y0u need a g00d hug 😎: sounds like a sound decision AA: im c0ming 0ver then 😎: alrighty 😎: uh ara 😎: thanks

Coco 👑Yesterday at 8:19 PM > There's a knock on Dave's door about half an hour later. rootyYesterday at 8:31 PM > There's a loud noise as something gets knocked over, and then most more hasty scrambling. Then a moment of silence, which totally isn't you trying to make yourself look somewhat presentable right in front of the door, nope. > Then you open the door. And boy, it's a mess. You and the apartment. You look like you didn't sleep in three days, which is probably about right, and there's stuff all over the apartment because you most likely didn't stay in a single spot for more than five minutes. > Also, a soft cawing from like three crows that got very comfy inside because of a window that's been open for just as long. Coco 👑Yesterday at 8:39 PM You got worried that whatever got knocked over was Dave for a moment there but he does manage to open up the door, so that's something. The mess inside is easy to ignore, you know Dave well enough and you grew up with a bunch of brothers. The mess that is Dave though... Utterly pitiful. You just pull him into a tight hug right there in the door. rootyYesterday at 9:02 PM Oh, you didn't expect that to go so quick but... Man, you didn't realize how much you really needed that. You stand there awkardly for a moment, then your arms try to find their way somewhere through Aradia's mane. You realize there's no way you can say anything without your voice shaking, so you choose to just be quiet and let that happen. Coco 👑Yesterday at 9:31 PM Nothing a good long hug can't at least make a little better right? But all good things must end so you eventually let go of him to make your way to his couch, kicking off whatever crap is on there. You gesture at him to come sit with you. "You look like shit Dave." It's important to be honest right? rootyYesterday at 9:38 PM "I know." There it was, the shaky voice. And that half laugh didn't really cover it up. You gladly follow her to the couch though and let yourself drop next to her. And... then what? Being honest sounds like a good plan, but you honestly don't know where to even start. So you opt to just bury your face into her and let out a long-drawn-out noise. Coco 👑Yesterday at 10:01 PM "Shhh..." You just pet the mess in your arms. What can you even say about this whole mess? Not a lot. God knows he has every right t be fucked up over it. rootyYesterday at 10:26 PM

Oh hey is it getting wet or is that just you? No, it's totally not your face that's leaking. After a couple of minutes you actually manage to calm down some and turn, so you're lying somewhat comfy on Aradia's lap and just start babbling on your own as the silence gets unbrearable. 

 "So... you know... Sock being a Dave isn't really the problem. I've- I've talked with alternates before. That of other people and my own. The multiverse is a big and weird place. The issue is that he's, like, THE Dave. The- the one from here. I- I almost forgot this isn't my place... That I came from somewhere else. But... I didn't think he'd exist. He wasn't there. There was only Bro and- Fuck, Bro..." Your voice cracks, but you're not done yet. 

"The shit he said about Bro. I thought he was a better one...." Now you're done, as your voice slowly dies in your throat. Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:05 PM This is actually the first time you have seen Dave become this undone and it's breaking your heart. Worst of all there's so little you can really do for him except for stroking his hair in a weak attempt to calm him down. 

"You couldn't have known that about him though. You didn't know he's around when you arrived here right? Don't blame yourself for something that was out of your control." 

Bro though... It hits you just now how little you actually know about this man beyond him existing somewhere maybe. That's about all Dave ever told you and Sock never spoke about him at all until just yesterday. 

"How...How did Bro treat you then?"

rootyYesterday at 11:16 PM

Don't Blame Yourself is a real big fucking word for you. Aradia should know that. But then again, hearing that little reassurance from her was kind of helped. "Better than him..." This one did, at least. It's not that you wanted to keep anything hidden from Aradia this time, but more than you yourself were absolutely not ready to delve into whatever the fuck you left behind.

Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:25 PM

You know that's asking a lot of him but damn, there's nothing to be gained by blaming himself for everything all the damn time. "Well... Perhaps he wanted to make up for how he treated Sock? Whatever the reason, that's not your fault either." rootyYesterday at 11:34 PM

Your hand finds hers and just... holds it. Presses it against your head. The more contact, the better. The only way to make this all somewhat more bearable."This whole thing is a fuck." Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:39 PM

You other hand finds his cheek and gently pets it. Shhh... "It is. But it's not your fuck, you are just along for the ride. That and.. You don't even have the full story do you? Like why Sock wasn't around? Don't run away to earth before you at least talked to him okay?"

rootyYesterday at 11:43 PM

"I'm not, alright. I'm just... I don't know." The touch helped. Something nice you could focus on. "God, he must be freaking out..."

Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:47 PM

You can have plenty of touches Dave. "Probably, yeah... But he's at home, I'm sure he's safe."

rootyYesterday at 11:50 PM

But can you really be sure, Aradia. You sigh. "What do I even say to him.."

Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:51 PM

"Well knowing you guys... Some awkward introduction while you both pretend everything is fine until you eventually break down enough to actually tell each other what's on your mind."

rootyYesterday at 11:53 PM

You actually finally open your eyes and give her an annoyed look. Mostly annoyed because you know she's right. "Thing is I still don't know what's on my mind. It's all a mess. ..I don't wanna leave him hanging though."

Coco 👑Today at 12:01 AM

"Well we're here to try to sort your thoughts a little."

rootyToday at 12:10 AM

"Well uh. Here's a thought: I hate everything that's happening.  I want him to be alright though."

Coco 👑Today at 12:15 AM

"Sounds reasonable. Sounds like there's no way around talking to him too though."

rootyToday at 12:19 AM

You gesture with your free arm. "Well yeah but how!! 'Hey Sock I know things are hella awkward but I appreciate you' doesn't really cut it does it?"

Coco 👑Today at 12:23 AM

"Why not?"

rootyToday at 12:24 AM

"..." You stare at her. "Does it?" Listen. Aradia should know you're bad at this.

Coco 👑Today at 12:30 AM

"It's a start isn't it? It's reassuring to hear that you still care for him!"

rootyToday at 12:31 AM

"I guess. I hate how everyone always makes that shit sound so simple."

Coco 👑Today at 12:38 AM

"It's not simple. It's really hard, but it's important. You just have to try to explain as best as you can and it'll be okay...ish."

rootyToday at 12:40 AM

"Okayish. Now that sounds realistic for once." Actually, okayish sounds pretty okay. Better than what's going on right now.

Coco 👑Today at 12:41 AM

"Okayish can turn into okay with time and some work you know? It doesn't have to be okay right away."

rootyToday at 12:44 AM

You make some frustrated noises. "Why can't it just be okay right away."

Coco 👑Today at 12:48 AM

"You can't just cheat your way past everything else, that's why." You get his frustration though. He get's a big forehead kiss.

rootyToday at 12:52 AM

You pout. "I can still try." But you've actually managed to calm down a bunch. Who knows, maybe not everything would go up in flames.

Coco 👑Today at 12:58 AM

Boop his nose. "Your cheap cheat codes won't work on your brain Dave. Can't glitch through that things walls either." He looks a little better and that makes you smile.

rootyToday at 1:02 AM

"Hey now. You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of yet. The other half got stuck in the floor once." Her smile actually makes you smile. Damn those gross contagious feelings.

Coco 👑Today at 1:03 AM

"Did you take pictures of your messy glitchy brain? I'd love to see them."

rootyToday at 1:07 AM

"Yeah, but it all looks like vaporwave and dick jokes. Kinda lame, if you ask me."

Coco 👑Today at 1:12 AM

"Aw. I do like this silly brain of yours a lot."

rootyToday at 1:14 AM

"Getting quite mushy there, miss."

Coco 👑Today at 1:15 AM

"Oh no! I will turn it down!" You pull away your hands. No more pets.

rootyToday at 1:17 AM

Oh. No!!! Your desperate noises say that you liked that. Don't take hands away.

Coco 👑Today at 1:18 AM

"But Dave...I can't keep on touching you. That's mushy."

rootyToday at 1:22 AM

"Aw shit. That's a problem. What do you advise?"

Coco 👑Today at 1:29 AM

"Allowing me to mush you up"

rootyToday at 1:30 AM

You wrinkle your nose in fake disgust. "Aw man. Fine. Just this once."

Coco 👑Today at 1:35 AM

Kiss his cheek.

rootyToday at 1:37 AM

Oh. Oh no that's more mush than you expected. And makes you blush a little. Just a little.

Coco 👑Today at 1:40 AM

"Don't get all mushy on me Dave."

rootyToday at 1:41 AM

"Shut up. I'm not. You are."

Coco 👑Today at 1:49 AM

Kiss his nose.

rootyToday at 1:53 AM

Eeeeeeee alright that's getting too much for you to handle. "Okay alright yep." You sit up and rub your face. She can't see how much you're blushing when your back is turned to her. It's like for a moment you actually forgot how much of a crush you got on her. Whoops.

Coco 👑Today at 1:56 AM

"We already done with the cuddling?" You pout.

rootyToday at 4:44 AM

"Sorry girl, I know you can't resist me. I just don't want you to overdose on this Strider quality." Super smooth safe. Almost as if you didn't learn anything.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

Dear Reader, let me snatch back my words. Earlier, I compared my tale to the Tragedy of Icarus. This was not wholly accurate, because you will note that Icaraus’s primary tragedy was that he was an insipid little bitch who couldn’t get his act together.

Icarus never caught himself midfall.

I, however, was a better class of person teenager. Less defeatist, perhaps. More spite-fueled, certainly. More arrogant? Conceivably. I would argue this arrogance was justified by what happened next.

I have tried several times to use language to convey the exact series of tableaus which transpired. Words fail me. I instead chose to download multiple art apps, spend 30 minutes discovering I couldn't locate the eraser tools, delete said apps, and download a different app made for children ages 3 and up. I then produced this magnificent creation:

I am not actually an artist I spent 2 hours drawing this, it belongs in the Louvre.

Suffice it to say, I caught the motherfucking door. No, I don't remember how. It was the emotional equivalent of discovering midair that your seesaw is missing a very integral set of screws, and then watching your body (compelled by the survival spirit of a particularly acrobatic ancestor, presumably of the ape variety) leap into the air of its own accord, do a double backflip, and with supernatural grace land daintily on both feet in the nearest sandbox without disturbing a single grain of sand.

That was the emotional equivalent. The physical equivalent would have been more along the lines of watching someone trip on their own feet, and fumble briefly before regaining their footing.

Also, I stubbed every single toes in my possession.

Anyway.

After the Great Fall Minor Stumble, I found myself right back down the staircase, more or less exactly where I started. It is only now, years later, as I write this, that another myth comes to mind--that of Sisyphus, doomed forever to roll that punishing boulder up and up the mountain.

I would like to point out that Sisyphus was also a little bitch.*

Seriously, friend. At some point you gotta stand up for yourself and--this part is crucial--stop pushing your boulders.

I had not yet reached that point. Possibly because standing up for myself would, at this moment, entail an argument with gravity. I had very recently lost just one such argument; I was not eager to pursue another.

But by the stars, I was close.

I decided to make one final attempt. If yet again the door preferred to continue its journey to the ground floor--that was where we would part ways. A strange partnership, ended at long last.

(On an unrelated note, based on personal experiences I can guarantee that Sisyphus spends a lot of time crying. Don't you dare judge him for that.)

To resume our narrative: I, very gently and very carefully (without scuffing the floors, Mom if you are reading this I did not scuff the flooring) played a strange game of Rotational Chicken with the the door, wherein I got closer and it backed away (rightfully suspicious of my motivations) and eventually we ended up back where we started at the top of the stairs. See Figure 1 (above). The whole experience could have been much worse. The door was, miraculously, unscathed. I was very much scathed and also, at this point, scathing mad. Spitting fury. The wrath of angels seeping out of me like fumes. The devil took a vacation to Georgia, in case I came a knockin'.

There was a lot of scathing going on, is the point, and I was also in no position to actually do anything about it. I was physically unable to throw a tantrum, due to a prior engagement with the forces of physics. I was very very close to crying, but didn't dare risk it bc I needed my eyesight to avoid tumbling down the stairs all over again (probably, this time, with the inevitable SPLAT!)

Also, I had an impending migraine.

But more importantly, I had the fucking door, I had 30 minutes before Mom got home, and the previous Fall Stumble had knocked loose from my skull possibly a few molars but more significantly the very obvious and readily apparent valuable knowledge that the laundry room down the hall had a little attic that was in fact the perfect storage location for a whopping great, mammothly gargantuan, morally atrocious solid oak door.

I delicately adjusted my sneakers (throbbing), resituated a few beach towels into pertinent areas, and off we slid.

*An interesting detail is that Sisyphus was actually the inspiration for whichever schoolyard bully coined the childhood endearment 'Sissy'. Not many people know or believe this, but I insist it is true!

once again for the bargain price of $6.66 i will present to you a Top 5 Childhood Misadventures: April Fool’s Edition

[hellyeahomeland]

HIDE YOUR DOGS. LOCK YOUR DOORS: In which Sara and Ashley finally recount what happened during last year’s finale

[Alternate title: GMTA.]

[Ashley and I have alluded to our whirlwind of a day during last year’s finale many times on various podcasts but we’ve never actually talked about what went on. Since we’re now a full season later, and once again watching the finale together, we thought we’d chat about that crazy night, and how we’re attempting to prevent another disaster from occurring this year (at least as far as we can control). --Sara]

Ashley: Okay, hello to my friend who is sitting 18 inches away from me.

Sara: oh hi!

Sara: i feel like we should be sitting on opposite sides of each other so you can't read what i am writing

Ashly: would you like a glass of wine or is it too early?

Sara: mm it's almost 4

Ashley: ok brb afk

Sara: what is afk

Sara: ty for getting me wine

Ashley: cheers!

Sara: Cheers!! 🙄

Sara: I meant that to be a 😘

Sara: they are just next to each other on my most used emojis

Ashley: i have not received an eyeroll emoji in a really long time

Ashley: times have changed

Sara: they sho have

Ashley speaking of times changing

Sara: and SHO

Ashley: you are very funny sara

Sara: ikr

Ashley: ya

Ashley: anyhoozles

Sara: i'm glad that word has caught on

Ashley: yeah with me

Sara: me too!

Ashley: ANY

Ashley: HOOZLES

Sara: ANYHOOZLES

Sara: today is the day of the finale, which you forgot about

Sara: and i want to talk about what we were doing LAST year for the finale

Ashley: we are coming atcha from across my friend’s kitchen table

Sara: this is a story we tried to tell on the podcast like 4 separate times

Ashley: last year for the finale was so good

Ashley: i know you think it was a disaster but it was a REALLY FUN DAY

Sara: that weekend started out kinda shitty though

Ashley: omg

Ashley: because my flight got canceled

Sara: remember your flight got canceled

Sara: JINX

Ashley: yep

Sara: it was v stressful but you ended up making it to chicago

Ashley: the weather had been horrific in boston all weekend, so flights were impossible. i ended up flying to indianapolis.

Sara: for some reason i had not internalized that you were vegan-ish then so i got like cheese and crackers for some reason idk

Sara: so much has changed in the past year

Ashley: did you? you got me cinnamon sugar pita chips from trader joes.

Sara: yes i did

Sara: later we got chicago vodka

Ashley: we did!

Ashley: but i think we did that on saturday

Sara: and remember you saw someone in trader joe's that was a friend of a friend? that was freaky

Ashley: yeah and i only knew him because i was wearing a t-shirt for the crossfit my friend owned

Ashley: and he was all, “do you know the lady who owns it?"

Ashley: no, dumbass, i just bought this random-ass shirt

Sara: in hindsight that was probably the beginning of your long con to make me believe this person existed

Ashley: anyway we got vodka

Ashley: and wine

Ashley: hahahaha

Ashley: i talked to her on the phone last night and you HEARD ME, i ignored you for 45 minutes because i am a good hostess

Ashley: i left you to the dogs

Ashley: do you think people are going to really want to read this sara

Sara: ok but saturday was brunch and hamilton and you went to take a nap but ended up sleeping the rest of the night

Ashley: i did!

Sara: SUNDAY

Sara: ok on sunday

Sara: finale day

Sara: LAST YEAR'S FINALE DAY

Ashley: we went to a white sox game

Ashley: and they lost

Sara: yes that was fun as fuck

Ashley: and we drank alcoholic root beer

Sara: that was delicious!

Ashley: which was the beginning of a D E S C E N T

Sara: yes

Ashley: your phone is buzzing

Sara: it was really hot that day too

Ashley: do you want to check it

Sara: i just did it's ok

Ashley: it was! was i wearing a hot pink running skirt?

Sara: idr

Sara: i have a pic from that day

Ashley: me too but it’s just our faces

Ashley: i was wearing a white sox shirt

Ashley: and we went to navy pier

Ashley: and rode the ferris wheel

Sara: look how long my hair is! look how red yours is

Sara: we went to navy pier and the ferris wheel on saturday

Ashley: oh i forgot i had that necklace

Ashley: REMEMBER HOW RED MY HAIR WAS IN THE SUN????

Sara: SUNDAY we went to two separate locations to buy a tv

Ashley: oh was that saturday?? yeah that makes sense.

Ashley: right, we had to buy a tv.

Sara: for anyone still reading this

Ashley: because the tv in our airbnb was not HDMI equipped

Sara: the airbnb where we were staying did not have HDMI hook-ups

Ashley: i was like “we can watch on my computer” and you were like

Sara: so we couldn't hook up a roku

Ashley: IT IS THE FINALE

Sara: yes, i don't play around with that shit

Ashley: you brought your apple tv too

Sara: we went to target first

Ashley: we were both prepared

Ashley: we just wanted to buy the shitty roku that has the AV cables but technology has advanced

Sara: and were like "do you have a roku that just hooks up with the red/yellow/white cables"

Sara: and the guy said they did but he was mistaken

Ashley: okay really we are the same person so like

Ashley: we’re just typing the same things

Sara: we're both telling the same story

Sara: ok i will finish

Sara: the story

Ashley: i know but we do this all the time

Ashley: SARA BOUGHT A WHOLE TV

Sara: we do remember when we both had the same question about why you would still PMS after you had a hysterectomy

Ashley: AND IT LIVED IN HER CAR UNTIL SHE MOVED TO NEW YORK

Sara: true story

Sara: I BOUGHT THE FUCKING TV

Ashley: that wasn’t the question

Sara: we went to best buy

Ashley: the question was where the eggs would go if you still had your ovaries but no uterus

Sara: oh yeah

Sara: i had to ask my mom

Ashley: shouts out to our friend who recently got de-utez

Ashley: ed

Ashley: de-utezed

Sara: the answer by the way

Sara: is that the eggs are just re-absorbed into your body

Sara: the human body is so silly!

Sara: BACK TO OUR STORY

Ashley: that entire quote is sara’s mom

Ashley: she was like “i don’t ask what makes my car work"

Sara: no my mom said the human body is amazing

Sara: and i said the human body is silly

Sara: OK BACK TO OUR STORY FOR REAL

Ashley: there is a dog outside

Ashley: the dogs inside are going crazy

Sara: much barks

Ashley: woofs!

Sara: dogs is going crazy*

Ashley: yes thank you

Ashley: BACK TO OUR STORY

Sara: so we get to best buy

Ashley: sara bought a tv and we had to uber it 12 minutes back to the apartment

Sara: and i ask the best buy man which of the TVs have HDMI hook-ups

Sara: and he's like "um all of them it's the year 2017"

Sara: and i said "ok i need to buy the cheapest tv because i really only want to watch one thing on it"

Sara: so i bought a tv

Sara: it was like $100

Sara: i intended to return it

Sara: but that did not happen

Ashley: i think it was $132

Sara: shit that's expensive

Sara: i'm so ridiculous

Sara: 132 american dollars to watch that shit ass finale

Ashley: i wonder if the best buy man’s ears are ringing

Sara: i'm sure he's reading this

Ashley: hi best buy man

Sara: anyway we uber'd back to the airbnb to drop the tv off

Sara: then went to the white sox game where they lost

Sara: THEN we went to the liquor store

Sara: to buy liquor

Sara: bc after 2 drinks at the baseball game that seemed like a good idea

Ashley: no we just went back to trader joe's

Sara: [we just had a verbal argument about whether we got the liquor at a liquor store or trader joe's]

Sara: [ashley was right]

Ashley: [ashley is often right]

Ashley: we also bought wine from walgreens

Sara: which is what i remembered as a liquor store

Sara: we bought cupcake wine in honor of carrie mathison

Sara: and some red bull

Sara: for red bull and vodka

Ashley: oh god the red bull

Ashley: because as you know ashley is sleepy

Sara: that was the first (AND LAST) time i ever had red bull + vodka

Sara: we pre-gamed with the red bull/vodka

Sara: by the time the episode had started we were drinking the pinot grigio

Ashley: and we got a bottle of whispering angel which i am also drinking tonight

Sara: ew

Sara: i can't drink that anymore

Sara: blech

Ashley: but i only have a little bit left

Ashley: i bought better wine for later

Ashley: remember? you were there.

Sara: ya i was there we got octopus wine too

Sara: AND PRETZELS

Ashley: how stoked were you when the OA said her fave food was pretzels

Sara: 

Ashley: and wtf kind of question is that to ask a woman who has been subsisting on fucking nutrition pellets for however long

Sara: i didn't feel like i drank that much

Sara: during last year's finale

Sara: but we somehow drank the entire bottle of pinot grigio despite me feeling like i had at most 1 glass

Ashley: wait am i going to have to tell the whole story of all of my adventures that night or can we skip it

Sara: you have to tell it but we're not there yet

Ashley: shit

Ashley: ok

Sara: i remember watching that godawful finale next to you so distinctly

Sara: like... i don't really allow talking during homeland unless i initiate it

Ashley: and you broke all your rules

Sara: yes, that's what i'm getting at

Ashley: well not the phone one

Ashley: gmta

Sara: when they showed quinn being shot i was like "holy shit. they killed him"

Sara: and you punched me

Ashley: and i was like

Ashley: NO THEY DIDN'T

Sara: ya you never believed he was dead

Sara: like

Sara: ever

Ashley: the past year has been remarkably similar

Sara: lol right??

Ashley: oh god that fucking finale

Sara: while i believed from the very second 100% he was dead

Ashley: as soon as it was over we decided to record a podcast

Ashley: but we were not allowed to release it

Ashley: and sara has deleted it

Ashley: sorry guys

Ashley: she failed you

Sara: i don't remember anything from the second half of watching that episode though

Sara: i also don't remember what we talked about on the podcast

Sara: it was SUPER drunken

Ashley: well we were so drunk

Sara: ya and i checked whatsapp

Sara: and it was in a full scale panic

Sara: and i just went to bed

Ashley: you went to bed pretty much right after the finale and i went into the bedroom to check in with everybody

Sara: i was like peace out homies

Ashley: and everybody was sad so i was like “i’m not doing this"

Ashley: sigh

Ashley: okay sara went to sleep

Ashley: and ashley, for once, did not.

Sara: at like 10 so right after the drunk podcast was finished

Ashley: i went and committed a crime

Ashley: the end.

Sara: that's a great teaser

Sara: COME ON you love to tell this story

Sara: it's really funny

Ashley: dude i don’t know if i’m allowed to publicly tell it though

Ashley: i almost broke up a relationship

Sara: use code words

Sara: or euphemisms

Ashley: okay so after the episode i really wanted to talk about ANYTHING other than homeland

Sara: [typing]

Ashley: dude stop it i’m telling it

Sara: i was typing to jordan not you

Ashley: HI JORDAN

Ashley: anyway i couldn’t really handle the whatsapp chat because everybody was sad

Ashley: and i was in denial. nothing has changed.

Ashley: sara just interrupted me to verbally spoil me about the homeland finale

Ashley: “I DIDN’T SPOIL YOU, FUCKING SHOWTIME TWITTER DID” - sara

Ashley: who is not obeying her own rules

Ashley: anyway i have a friend who watches homeland, and in fact got me into homeland, but he is what some might call a “casual viewer"

Ashley: he is usually 1-2 weeks behind

Ashley: that’s not really a problem anymore now that i have ALL YOU GUYS

Ashley: but i decided that i wanted to talk to him. also, he lives in chicago. this is pertinent information.

Ashley: so i tried to call him.

Ashley: no answer.

Ashley: i tried to call him like 50 more times.

Ashley: no answer.

Ashley: i sent a bunch of texts. NO ANSWER.

Ashley: finally i just decided to go over to his house.

Ashley: which was probably a ten minute walk from our airbnb, but i took an uber.

Ashley: and i got there and i rang his buzzer.

Ashley: no answer.

Sara: you also made friends with your uber driver who called YOU like 50 times over the next month

Ashley: i rang his buzzer again. NO ANSWER.

Ashley: i did. drunk ashley is retiring after the episode tonight.

Ashley: at least until season 8.

Sara: what? --me before you sent that last message

Sara: oh ok. --me after you sent that last message

Ashley: there were some people out walking their dogs, so i petted them.

Ashley: and eventually i just followed somebody who lived in the building into the building.

Sara: that's not suspicious at all

Ashley: walked up to his apartment

Ashley: and knocked

Ashley: NO ANSWER

Ashley: knocked a few more times

Ashley: NO ANSWER

Ashley: decided, in my infinite drunkness, to try the doorknob.

Sara: the thing that opens doors

Ashley: just fyi you guys, if you have a friend like me, you might want to lock your doors.

Ashley: because i walked into his pitch-black apartment at like 11:30 at night, because he is a grown adult and he had to get up in the morning.

Ashley: and ultimately walked into his bedroom and was like DUDE.

Sara: HIDE YOUR DOGS

Sara: LOCK YOUR DOORS

Ashley: and he woke up and was like

Ashley: i’m trying to figure out how best to describe his reaction

Ashley: he opened his eyes and was like, “oh, hi.”

Ashley: that’s it that’s all that happened

Sara: if you walked into my apartment in the middle of the night without warning i'd believe first that you were a ghost

Sara: a very lifelike one

Ashley: i spent two hours in his apartment in the middle of the night complaining about how carlos sanchez was going by his original first name, ‘yolmer'

Ashley: and apparently i told him straight up that quinn died

Sara: LOL

Sara: at the yolmer part

Ashley: he complained about some things of his own

ara: what kinds of things did he complain about

Ashley: surprisingly, not about the fact that i showed up at his apartment in the middle of the night.

Ashley: we had lunch a day or two later and i was like “what the fuck is wrong with you and how are we still friends,” and he was like

Sara: good friend

Ashley: “well i went back to sleep afterward and it’s not like you ransacked the place"

Ashley: anyway, this year i do not have anybody’s house to break into

Ashley: because i am already in the only  house i’d be able to break into easily

Sara: our tv has an hdmi cable

Sara: we have TWO DOGS

Ashley: TWO

Sara: one who is basically the dog version of me

Ashley: we are going to snuggle with both of them

Sara: the other who is a giant disaster

Ashley: don’t say what you’re typing

Ashley: oh

Ashley: never mind yes that is accurate

Ashley: i thought you were going to say that the other one reminds you of me

Sara: no

Ashley: but i can at least keep my tongue in my mouth

Sara: i've never met any human who is like the other dog

Sara: she is the happiest, most insane, most ridiculous dog ever

Sara: and we need to tire her out

Sara: before 9pm

Ashley: to be fair, i’ve met some insane and ridiculous humans.

Sara: same

Sara: but she is HAPPY

Sara: "her is a happy dog," as you would say

Ashley: yeah, and her crazy is nothing that can’t be dealt with by throwing a ball around the yard

Ashley: although her feets does get muddy

Ashley: anyway we have wine

Ashley: and only wine

Sara: i have pretzels

Ashley: and baked goods!

Sara: and bagels

Sara: this year, the key to not repeating last year is to eat something

Ashley: i have cookies shaped like unicorns and dogs and a few that are shaped like unicorn dogs

Sara: and also not be near houses you could easily break into

Ashley: didn’t we eat last year??

Sara: no

Sara: that was the problem

Sara: we ate some at the baseball game

Sara: but not for like 8 hours after that

Sara: despite the fact we continued to imbibe

Ashley: so i will blame it on the alcohol

Sara: i was feeling chill about the episode

Sara: until i just saw that time jump tweet

Sara: we should go play with the dogs now

Ashley: do you think you will stay up until 9:30pm

Ashley: or 10:30pm

Ashley: rather

Sara: yes

Ashley: i forgot what time zone we are in

Ashley: i also forgot the finale was on tonight

Sara: that happened

Ashley: what would you do if i was like “i’m gonna go take a nap"

Sara: i would say ok

Sara: go take a nap

Sara: you must be tired from driving literally all over boston and cambridge

Ashley: say what you mean

Ashley: “you must be tired from thinking you knew where you were going"

Ashley: “and then getting lost"

Ashley: “in the place where you live"

Ashley: “multiple times"

Sara: "getting lost all over boston and cambridge even though you have lived here your whole entire life except for a summer when you lived in canada"

Ashley: BULLSHIT i didn’t grow up in boston/cambridge, i grew up in the suburbs

Sara: "turn right then immediately turn left"

Sara: is basically google maps in cambridge

Ashley: also i didn’t tell you that i got a little bit lost on the way to the market after brunch, but i got there without any help.

Sara: HAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Sara: you handled it like a pro

Sara: i had no idea

Sara: i think because we were listening to a v funny recording of you reading fic dramatically

Ashley: to be fair though

Ashley: i didn’t JUST drive around cambridge and boston all day

Ashley: i ALSO went to CrossFit

Ashley: omg yes

Sara: this is so long we should wrap up

Ashley: and that’s when i forgot the finale was tonight

Ashley: because i attempted to schedule a personal training session for tomorrow morning

Sara: ok on my Things Carrie Wore This Week posts i always end with "IN CONCLUSION: _____"

Sara: so how would you CONCLUDE this conversation

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION what did YOU do this morning that was so strenuous

Sara: IN CONCLUSION NOTHING BUT I AM ALSO NOT ABOUT TO GO TAKE A NAP

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION I’m not either but I also wasn’t going to, I just wanted to know how you’d respond.

Sara: IN CONCLUSION: single-use TV, breaking and entering, DOGS, ashley take a nap what else is new

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION: why is almost all of that ashley stuff

Sara: single-use TV is mine

Sara: and DOGS is both

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION no charges were pressed

Ashley: Enjoy the show

Ashley: THE END

Sara: IN CONCLUSION

Sara: the goddamn

Sara: worst

Sara: $132

Sara: i ever spent

Sara: THE END

Sara: .

Sara: go take a nap

Ashley: I’m not tired I was just wondering

Ashley: GOODBYE EVERYBODY

Ashley: WE ARE GOING TO TALK IN OUR VOICES NOW

Sara: auf wiedersehen!

[fresnoborn]

Can’t Just Knock On The Front Door

RULES:

Basics:

This is a sideblog to weaponizedembrace. I follow from there.

Mun is 35+. Please do not follow or interact if you’re underage.

Morita is MCU and HC based.

I am not Japanese, nor do I particularly consider myself a history buff, but I am going to do my best to portray Morita as accurately and sensitively as I can when issues surrounding race/racism arise. If you ever have a problem with something I’ve written or said in regards to this, please come talk to me off anon. I am happy to learn and do better.

OOC -phobias/isms and repeat negative vagueing will get you unfollowed.

I will probably not follow rp blogs that do not have a statement of the mun’s age (the most important of these to me), basic rules and tagging, and reasonably cut posts. I will also not follow or interact with strictly genderbent/rule 63 versions of canon muses.

Thought I suspect it won’t arise here, I love duplicates, and I’m happy to do same muse threads!

I do not enforce reblog karma strictly, but please be considerate and don’t blast my notifs without ever sending anything.

Writing/formatting/etc:

I am MUTUALS ONLY for IC interaction! This blog is going to be very selective in who I interact with (and probably low activity).

Thread tracker links are coming soon, along with all relevant info.

No major godmodding without discussion. You guys know the deal.

2-5 paragraphs is the sweet spot for me for plotted/continued threads, and sometimes I get on a roll and write novels for people. You don’t have to match my lengths, but don’t give me 3 sentences when I write 3 paras, you feel?

One of my personal peeves in roleplaying is conversation splicing. If we’re writing long replies with a lot of dialogue and/or action and you notice that I don’t respond to everything single thing your muse said/did, and have started my response by replying to the last thing your muse said first and working back if necessary, this is my attempt to prevent serious splicing of the conversation. If this bothers you, please talk to me and we can switch to shorter threads.

I have a tendency to tense switch a lot between past and present. If that’s going to bother you… *shrugs*

Muse =/= mun.

I don’t require formatting or icons for interaction. That’s bullshit.

Mutuals can feel free to continue asks as long as you move it to a new post (tell me if you genuinely can’t). I do drop threads from time to time, though, so please understand these may go before plotted things, depending on how developed they become. Note: If an ask is nsfw, I will be more selective about continuing it. If we’ve never written or discussed smut (and you’re not one half of my otp–see autoshipping section below), asking before continuing might be a good idea if you’re going to be bothered if I don’t reply.

Dropping threads happens if I get overwhelmed or overly stressed, and I might not tell you (anxiety! -jazz hands-). Relationships developed in said threads remain, though, if mutually desired.

When I queue a reply, it’s usually just scheduled for the next day so I can feel accomplished clearing multiple drafts at once without potentially getting them right back.

My reply speeds vary greatly, from immediate to months later. You can reply at any speed you want to, but I do archive threads on a semi-regular schedule (see tracker link above for details).

Messaging/Inbox:

Feel free to send me ooc/character development/positivity/etc and spam my inbox whether we’re mutuals or not!

IC asks from your muse are for mutuals only.

Asks are sometimes deleted for the same reason threads get dropped. It’s not personal! Feel free to send more at any time!

Please don’t send messages like “hi” or “wanna rp?” with nothing else.

I am mentally ill and anxiety ridden (in case you haven’t realized yet lol), and therefore can be spotty in replying to messages. It’s not you. Sorry in advance.

Discord is available for mutuals. Just ask for it.

Shipping/Smut/Etc:

GENERAL: 1) Shipping is one of my favorite things. I am a ship whore, but I will likely want to write at least a little with you before fully committing to shipping. 2) Morita is cis and bisexual, though threads taking place during his canon timeline that become shippy with men will probably feature a heavy dose of fear and/or internalized homophobia due to the times. This does not mean I don’t want to explore that, though, because I do. 3) If you are feeling chemistry between your muse and mine, please tell me! I probably am too! 4) If you send me a shippy/smutty meme and we’ve never discussed either, my muse may respond in a way that might not be positive or I may delete your ask.

AUTOSHIPPING: The more comfy I am with any given mun, the more likely I am to jump into ships with any of their muses without build up, if they are of the same mind.

SMUT: I like writing smut, if muses are muns are comfortable with each other and of age, though I will get bored if it’s all we write. Do not expect either muse to be DTF in our first thread, though it may occasionally happen if plotted/discussed.

Triggers/Tagging/Etc:

Canon-typical violence/blood/etc. will not be tagged.

I will try to remember to tag nsfw, and for other triggers as “tw: trigger”. If I forget one or there’s one I’m not tagging that you think I should be, please message me!

Misc:

I use Kazunari Ninomiya as a faceclaim because Morita should have been 24 years old during TFA (Kenneth Choi was around 40 at the time). It’s already easy enough to forget how young most of the men fighting in WWII were. You will probably see Kenneth Choi here from time to time, though, just bc he is the canon fc.

I do not ask for a password to be sent, nor will I send one to you. I have read your rules if I followed you. If I accidentally break one, I’m human. Please tell me.

I know my rules are long because I’m a wordy bitch, but thank you very much for taking the time to read them. I appreciate you. :)

[nobravery]

Not Meant To Be

a Shawn Mendes Imagine.

Requested: No.

Author's Note: Okay lmao this is actually a repost bc I'd deleted this because it sucks and I edited it a bit given that Shawn had moved to his condo etc, and mostly because some things didn't make sense lol. So here's the very first imagine I'd written about this guy we call Shawn Mendes. One more time you'll note that some terms in italics aren't translated, some were intentional (at the beginning the y/n was meant to come from the UK, but I had to change because of the French I couldn't translate rip), others not because there are precisely some expressions I couldn't translate in English (I don't know the equivalents in English). In conclusion, I know that I've probably misconjugated a lot but I don't care I've never really understood how to use the tenses in English lol.

WordCount: 2,551

Tuesday, August 15th. Half past eleven.

Actually, for these two last days, they had been staying at the Mendes’ household, because Shawn wanted to spend some time with his family. What could be more natural? At this precise moment, both of them were standing in the room, alone. They just ended what they were doing. Shawn had written some lyrics and had sung a bit, as regards y/n, she’d been working, preparing herself for her next year at University.

Without knowing why, she was staring around her now. First of all, the sofa where she sat so many times. Even without being sat on it she could smell the scent of the leather. It was a smell she never forgot. Then her look drifted towards the dining-room. It was made with wood. A good quality wood. The well-put chairs were too.

She truly loved this house. It was like hers.

However, suddenly, his voice obligated her not to be in trance anymore.

« Listen, y/n, I don’t mean to seem brusque, but we need to talk. About something serious. »

The young girl started instantly.

« Okay, I’m listening to you, she mumbled, taking her handouts. »

She was just thinking about his voice she just heard. Her favorite melody. It was as pleasant as the sound of the waves while you’re on the beach or even the sound of the raindrops crashing on the windows while raining. His voice always appeased her.

Shawn took a deep breathe before trying to make a proper speech.

« I don’t know where and how I should start. Look, I really love you, I–

– I love you too, Shawn, what’s the p–

– No please, let me talk first, listen to me carefully until the end. You’ll talk after me. »

y/n answered with a nod. She continued to stare at his pretty hazel eyes which were beautifully shining.

« I love you. I’m a hundred percent sure. I know what I feel for you. You’re very special, you’re full of qualities, you mean a lot to me. Really, you’re really perfect to me. I… I… Look, right now I feel as if I made you waste your time, I feel as if I was a very bad boyfriend because I’m never here for you while you need strong and solid support for you new year at Uni. Both you and I are leaving tomorrow and won’t see each other for awhile, I won’t be able to fly to France for a moment. I already miss you even though you’re still there with me, in my own house, and I don’t want you to suffer from my perpetual absence. So, all of this things hurt me. y/n, you need someone who’s always alongside you, someone who could give you more than I would be able to, you know? You deserve happiness and not suffering because of me, because you’re always waiting for me and because I’m never beside you. You deserve to be with someone who’s always there for you and not a poor guy who’s even not in the same timezone as yours. You follow? I… I feel as if I wasn’t the one that you need, y/n. My life is insane, we are worlds apart. I’m not meant to be with someone right now. I’m not the one who can love you in the way you deserve. »

He interrupted himself.

« I don’t deserve you. You deserve better than me. You deserve the best. »

y/n said nothing. She hadn’t moved an inch. Her eyes were examining the floor.

« You… you wanna break up? she said calmly.

– That's… that’s I was trying to say, yes. »

She swallowed, without talking more. She simply put her numerous handouts onto the table again.

« Please, y/n, say something, Shawn beseeched her, only noting the oppressive silence. »

She licked her bottom lip, trying to find something coherent to say.

« Come on, we need to talk together about this. »

She just sighed.

« So… it was bound to happen, right? You know Shawn, you won’t believe me but yes, you are the only one for me, the only one I want. This might be crazy uh… I don’t want nobody but you… You’re the only reason why I wake up each morning while my studies are literally killing me, the reason why I continue to revise properly for the sake of having a nice job later. I just need you, and no matter if you’re always on tour, I have a life too, I have my classes, my revisions, etc–

– Maybe it’s okay for you. It’s what you say. But I’m not. I’m not okay with the fact that you are so far from me. That I always must leave. That I can’t see with my own eyes how you are daily. That you’re living your life thousands of kilometers away from me, leaving you alone. I’m sorry, but I’m not a proper boyfriend. I can’t. I can’t stand that. And I know you enough to tell you that you deserve better than a ghost boyfriend.

– It doesn’t matter to me. I love you. I was told that quelqu'un qui sait attendre en vaut la peine, someone who can wait is someone who’s worth it.

– But I can’t wait. I can never actually. QED. »

Each of them were going round in circles. Him running his fingers through his rumpled hair in frustration, she looking up at him, finally drowning her look into his.

« Je… I’ve no more arguments, uttered y/n. If you think that it’s the best for us… It depends on you actually, so…

– I’m not saying that we can’t be friends though–

– I don’t know. Actually it’s more complicated that I had beforehand planned.

– What do you mean?

– Nothing. Let it down. »

She wasn’t looking at him anymore, but the floor, her hands in the pockets.

« As I’m gonna leave tomorrow, I assume that I have to start packing.

– Okay, retorted the Canadian sadly. »

y/n picked up all of her handouts again, then hastened to leave the room, ran up the stairs to get back to Shawn’s room where her suitcase had been put, with some stuffs she had unpacked. So she started putting her things away, as carefully as hastily. She tried to look impartial.

A few minutes later, she could hear the young boy climbing the stairs as well, and standing on the doorstep.

« Are you mad at me? he finally asked.

– I don’t know, honestly. There’s nothing else to add. It’s over.

– Hum, hum.

– We’re just not meant to be. That’s a fact. That’s life. We all do mistakes.

– Wait, are you saying that you and I, it was a mistake? Am I a mistake for you? »

The young girl sighed loudly, looking for something pertinent to answer.

« That’s not what I meant. Don’t be a fool please Shawn. Just… I hope for you that you’ll find someone who will be able to travel the world with you. Or another popstar I guess, I don’t know. As long as she’s a fully English-speaker, Anglophone… you know; car moi tu vois ça me saoûle tout ça, je– well I’m tired, I can’t take anymore, she corrected rapidly in English, with a clipped voice.

– I’m sorry, but really, you know that I– we made this decision for our own good. And we needed to talk to you about this.

– Fine. And we ended up by taking the decision together eventually.

– Hum hum…

– I understand you know, Shawn. You’re right. We’re not meant to be, as I said previously. We don’t live in the same world. »

While she was squatting down, y/n got up again to face Shawn who had got closer.

« Is your suitcase finally finished? he questioned.

– Almost finished. I just let some stuffs until tomorrow.

– Okay, so much the better. »

She sighed one more time.

« You know? After all we’ve done together during a short time, I’ve flown there for the second time especially for you, I came to your shows in Toronto and Montreal these days, the money I’ve spent to see you… And now we’re just saying that « it’s over ». I’ll need some time.

– I know, likewise. Look, I’m sorry again, I–

– No, stop talking, say nothing. It hurts us enough. Please. I just don’t realize for the moment. Just… I must admit that I’m glad you chose your career and not me. As I had told you when we started dating, your career is literally your life, and I don’t want you to ruin it now because of me. Just like me, you’re about to be nineteen, you’re young and you have a plenty of things to discover in your field yet. »

Shawn nodded in a sad way. Then he looked at his bed, next to them. The bedclothes were still rumpled. So with his eyes he analyzed the fine white sheets. He might bet that they were still impregnated with her sweet scent. Her delicious fresh lavender fragrance with a little touch of thyme. His favourite smell.

« When are you gonna leave? y/n carried on. »

The brown-hair boy didn’t answer spontaneously, thinking about all of this.

« At the same time as you.

– Okay, this is cool. »

He attempted to catch her look, but impossible. She was avoiding his.

« y/n, you’re mad.

– I’m not.

– Don’t lie to me, please even a blind would see it.

– Listen, I don’t know how I feel at the moment. It’s just difficult, I think you can understand, on est un peu dans le même bateau. Okay? she exclaimed as she was closing her backpack that she placed onto the bed, without letting up. »

But their conversation was interrupted when they heard the front door slamming downstairs. The Mendes family had just returned from shopping.

« We’re back! they could hear Shawn’s mother.

– I’m coming to help! yelled the French. »

Her gaze met Shawn’s quickly, then deserted immediately. Once downstairs, she saw Karen and Aaliyah who were putting down the groceries on the table. Manny just joined them after.

« Want me to help? y/n suggested.

– I can’t refuse, admitted Karen.

– Where’s Shawn? asked Aaliyah. I bet he’s still sleeping.

– Nope, he’s upstairs, he’s coming. »

Indeed, the latter appeared a few second not long afterwards.

« What did you do this morning? questioned the father.

– Nothing special, I’ve studied a bit, and I just packaged, y/n informed him.

– What about you, Shawn?

– I tried to write new songs. I’m getting to be inspired. »

He had a look at y/n who was staring at him… sadly?

« Well, ready for tomorrow?

– I’m kinda nervous as usual but it’s okay. »

Then Aaliyah had a glance at her brother as well as his girlfriend.

« You both guys look tired and preoccupied. Are you okay? »

The two who were concerned looked at each other, not knowing what to reply. But while they were still putting the groceries away, a ring tone rang out. Sauvés par le gong.

« Sorry, it’s mine, declared y/n, my parents are calling me. Excusez-moi. »

Wednesday, August 16th.

Pearson Airport, Toronto. Seventeen past one.

« Nothing forgotten? Karen asked the youngsters for the umpteenth time.

– Nothing, they simply answered in unison. I brought everything, added y/n. »

Shawn smiled sadly. She barely looked at him. And his parents and his sister didn’t suspect the tension there was between both the French girl and himself.

Some of Shawn’s team were there too. All of them were in the great hall and had some conversations with y/n and the young singer about the tour.

At a moment, the Frenchwoman looked at the time on her phone.

« Je dois y aller. I have to go, she simply said. »

She had a quick look at the guys then at Shawn, who was staring at his family talking with Andrew, his manager. She said goodbye to each of the boys, except Shawn who followed her joining the Mendes and Andrew, to say goodbye to them.

« Hope to see you again soon, Manny said to y/n. We can’t wait the next time.

– I hope so. I’ll come back, it’s sure.

– I’ll miss you, Aaliyah confessed. I’ll miss your French accent too I must admit.

– I’ll try to be back as soon as possible, I promise little girl. You can text me whenever you want. »

Then she said goodbye to Andrew as well as all of the crew was going to their terminal, for flight to Brooklyn.

Before y/n left on the other side, Shawn took her aside, even though the others and Andrew were beckoning him.

« Hey Shawn, both you and I have to go. »

He ignored y/n’s words, and put his hands on her cheeks. He looked at her lips, these famous lips that taste like mint. These well-shaped lips that were still his only few days ago. He wanted to kiss them, but he perfectly well knew that he couldn’t. Then he looked at her, gazing into each other’s eyes. Time seemed to stop. He had always had this impression. He just acted as if they were both alone in the middle of the airport, close to the boarding areas. He kept staring at her pupils. These beautiful ones. She still had this radiant look that made her attractive even more.

« I already miss you, you know, Shawn confided to y/n. »

She didn’t answer; she looked so neutral. So he removed his hands from her pinky cheeks, still staring at her.

« Can I hug you? he timidly asked.

– Yes, as you wish. Come there. »

He pulled her close to him, rubbing her back with his hand. She was wearing the black tshirt he bought her few weeks ago. A sign that she was still fond of him, maybe. A physical way to show it. A way not to forget him.

Then she pulled away, and kissed on his right cheek eventually.

« Give me some news when you have time, Shawn begged her.

– Okay. I’ll try… Ça ne mange pas de pain hein. Sorry but I have to go now, really. I mustn’t be late. I’m sorry. »

She was getting ready to leave when he hold her up again.

« I love you, y/n. From the bottom of my heart. »

She turned around, smiling weakly.

« Je t'aime aussi, Shawn. Adieu. »

And then, leaving Shawn behind, she was moving away more and more, walking to her terminal, ready for her boarding.

Author's Note: Sorry again if it sucks lol. Mostly with grammar and conjugation and English in general, etc. AND SORRY IF THE FORMAT LOOKS WEIRD. Thanks for reading.

[7fics]

I've had so many hostages before and you're by far THE WORST HOSTAGE EVER. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE BC YOU'RE A HOSTAGE

Warnings: Lots’o cursing, innuendo, some (fairly minor?) violence/threats of violence

Author: TJ

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: This fill gave me more trouble than I thought it would OTL thanks Mno for helping me plot (even though I still derailed from my plan HAH) But writing struggles aside, I hope this came out at least somewhat entertaining? ^^;;

~~

“We’retrying, okay, we’re trying. But we didn’t - power didn’t completely - enoughtime - delete the - hasn’t - it - ch - tttssssss-”

Jaebum grimaced, dropping hiswalkie back into his pocket, fully muffling the static-y voices. Not that itmattered much, given he wasn’t able to understand the words being spoken eitherway. The reception was absolutely terrible within these thick, concrete walls.

“Mmmmmph! Mmph mph mphhhh! MMPH!”

Jaebum’s frown deepened into ascowl as he turned his attention to the gagged man on the other side of theroom, though the cap pulled low on his face probably didn’t allow hisdispleasure to be fully communicated to his captive.

The other man was young, strong,and stockily built, having put up quite the resistance in their tussle not toolong ago. If his security guard uniform was anything to go by, he’d probablybeen trained to deal with such situations.

Jaebum’s greater height gave himthe ultimate advantage, however, allowing him to snag a laptop charger off atop cabinet shelf and deftly wrap it around the other man’s neck, securing himinto a chokehold.

The struggle had ended promptlythereafter, and Jaebum, inspired by his apparent stroke of genius, took tofully restraining his new hostage with whatever wires and electrical cording hecould find in the small office they were in.

Oh, and stuffed a sock in the guy’smouth for good measure, too, because god did he not know how to shut up.

And that was ten minutes ago. Now,Jaebum was only becoming increasingly impatient. Taking a hostage hadn’t beenin the original plan, so clearly something had gone wrong. Jaebum was supposedto be helping to secure their exit, not stuck here babysitting this -

“MMMMMMPHHHHHHAAA! BLEH!”

His hostage finally managed todislodge the sock from his mouth, visibly wincing as he spat loudly. Jaebum’sexpression darkened, already contemplating taking off his other sock, (he wouldnot be touching the one that had saliva all over it),when the man spoke.

“Dude, what the hell? That wasgross! If you’re gonna gag me at least use something clean! That tasted sogross, man!”

“If you were able to keep yourmouth shut to begin with, I wouldn’t have had to resort to such measures,”Jaebum growled as he advanced forward menacingly, raising a hand for purpose ofintimidation.

“Aw, man, that’s so mean! I wasjust asking some questions– ohhh whoaaaaa. Whoa. Holy shit.”

The other man suddenly broke off,his already large eyes widening even further as he stared up at Jaebum, who’dcrossed the room towards him and consequently stepped into the light. For thefirst time, his features were clearly illuminated, and Jaebum tensed, his jawlocked and ready to face further resistance.

Instead, he almost choked on air atthe man’s next words.

“DUDE your face is a masterpiece!”

“…What?”Jaebum didn’t even know what that meant, almost swinging his fist at the guy’s facebecause what the hell even, but forced himself to pause when he was confrontedby furious headshaking.

“No like, seriously! How do youeven look like that? Are you sure you’re not a celebrity or something? And yourjawline is unreal!”

For the first time in a long time,Jaebum was completely flabbergasted. By a hostage, at that. Ittook him more than a few seconds to find his voice again, and even longer tofind words.

“What is wrong withyou? Are you an idiot?”

“I’m Jackson! Jackson Wang,actually!” The hostage, Jackson, responded enthusiastically, having the audacity toshoot Jaebum a wink. “Nice of you to ask. And actually, yes, the only thingwrong with me right now is my circulation might be getting cut off by thesecords of yours.”

He turned slightly to show off hiswrists that were twisted behind his back, wriggling his fingers.

“Don’t get me wrong, wouldn’t wantto get in the way of doing your job and all, Mr. Jawline, totally understandthat you had to tie me up for very important reasons. Could you just loosenthem a little bit, though?”

He blinked up at Jaebum innocently,cocking his head when he earned no verbal response.

“Oh come on, just a titch? Just ateensie eensie bit?”

Jaebum took a deep breath, countingdown from ten in his head so he didn’t accidently murderthis infuriating bastard. Don’tlose it, Jaebum, the gang needs a bargaining chip that’s alive.

“You do realize that I’m holdingyou hostage, right? That I couldn’t give a flying fuck about your comfort? ThatI could literally -” Jaebum grit his teeth, reaching down to lift Jackson up byhis collar, slamming his back into wall, “kill you right now?”

“Ohhh, kinky,” Jackson grimacedslightly when his head rebounded off the wall with a painful thud, but was backto grinning almost instantly. He even went slightly cross-eyed in order tomaintain eye contact with Jaebum, whose face was now mere inches away from hisown. “You know actually, if you’re gonna stay this close to me, I think I’d befine with these cords as long as-”

“Oh what the fuck,” Jaebumhissed, shoving Jackson off to the side as he stepped back with a look ofdisgust of on his face. Kicking off his shoe, Jaebum reached down, intent onremoving his other sock because clearly he was dealing with a total incompetentdumbass, and attempting to speak with him any more was only going to spike hisblood pressure.

“Oh, dude, no, please, not anothersock!” Jackson wailed, his irritating voice sounding much closer to a whinethan fearful begging. “Oh come on, please? Oh oh, I have a better idea! Ifyou’re gonna gag me, can you just take off your shirt and use that? You’vegotta have a killer bod, right? So no need to be shy, come on!”

Having already yanked his sock off,Jaebum snarled, moving forward with a vengeful rage when suddenly, his phonewent off.

Jaebum froze, sock still clutchedin hand before he finally exhaled deeply, retreating to the far end of the roomwith surprising swiftness as his phone was retrieved from his back pocket.

“Hello? What’s -”

“Get out, now. Forget the hostage,we have what we need and police are surrounding the premises, just get out now!”

“But where -”

Jaebum swore loudly when a telltaleclick signaled the other side hanging up, but he didn’t waste any timeattempting to redial.

Shit he needed his own way out, and if police were already surroundingthe premises he needed some way to slip through undetected. Almost immediately,he started running through his options, eyes scanning the room for anythingthat could be useful.

Eyes landing on Jackson, an ideastruck him, and for the first time, Jaebum returned Jackson’s grin with one ofhis own. He strode towards him briskly, whipping out the small army knife hekept in his other back pocket.

Jackson didn’t seem to notice theweapon, appearing simply starstruck at the appearance of Jaebum’s smile.

“Whoa, dude, you should smile moreoften, it’s quite- WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Jackson let out a muffled shriek,Jaebum pressing a palm against his mouth just in time to block most of thesound. Immediately, Jackson’s hands were on Jaebum’s own, his eyes wide.

Jaebum had cut his bonds, and wasnow busy tugging off his outer clothing. His button-up was off within seconds,and Jaebum’s efficiency ensured his undershirt followed shortly after.

“Whoa, whoa, aren’t we moving a bitfast here?” Jackson babbled as Jaebum went for his belt next, but didn’t resistdue to the cold blade pressed to the side of his throat. “Like, shouldn’t youtell me your name first, at least? Isn’t that basic etiquette?”

Jaebum didn’t respond, directingall his attention towards stripping Jackson down. There was a large amount offumbling, but the knife pressed against Jackson’s skin never wavered.

“Oh come on, now you won’t eventalk to me? You’re just gonna - hey, hey, I thought we were over the bondage!”

Having stripped Jackson down topretty much just his underwear, Jaebum quickly restrained him once more withthe cords, shoving him off to the side when he finished.

“Aww, really? You’re just going toleave me here? Naked?”

Jaebum couldn’t help but smirk ashe pulled off his own clothes, switching into Jackson’s uniform instead. It wasa tight fit, and the pants were definitely too short, but it’d do - no oneshould question a security guard wearing the company badge.

“You’ve got your underwear, haven’tyou? You’ve got quite the killer bod yourself, so no need to be shy, right?”Jaebum didn’t even try to keep the smugness out of his voice, mood instantlylifted by Jackson’s pitiful state.

Jaebum gathered his own clothesnext, stuffing them into his pack, and therefore missed the mischievous gleamthat lit up in Jackson’s eyes.

“Why, thank you. Does that count asyou flirting back, Mr. Jawline?”

Jaebum snorted, striding towardsthe door to make his leave without a single backwards glance.

By the time the door finally swungto a close, Jaebum was already halfway down the hall. So the faint “Call me!”that was yelled out right before it clicked shut just barely made it toJaebum’s ears.

He’d merely scoffed, shaking hishead as he broke into a determined sprint.

~~

Just as Jaebum predicted, slippingthrough the crowd of police had been a piece of cake with his security guardgetup. Arriving back at their base was easy enough after that, and Jaebum wasrelieved to find out that despite the many hiccups along the way, the heist hadbeen an overall success.

It wasn’t until much later, aftermany hours of drunken celebration and feasting, that Jaebum finally returnedhome to his apartment, slipping off his shoes to find a tiny slip of paperflutter up and out of the left heel.

It was a haphazardly folded note, with equally haphazard handwriting that was still somehow legible.

First, a series of digits that wereclearly a phone number. Then, a signature:

~ JW :)

~~

Jaebum slept fitfully that night,dreaming of large, shining eyes and dirty socks.

[guardianofjunmyeon]

Chinese Class (One-shot)

Pairing: Tao x Reader

Genre: Fluff; College!AU

Description: You need a tutor for Chinese, and through your roommate’s boyfriend’s friend you find him. One shitty study session, some mistakenly sent texts, and a retry later, you find that he’s isn’t as horrible a teacher as you thought.

A/N: If my Chinese is shit, let me know. I used translate for part of it bc it’s been a month since I even looked at anything related to my Chinese class, and unlike the character in this all of my Chinese is shitty. Not just my speaking. (Translations at bottom)

“Okay good, but your pronunciation is wrong. It’s fourth tone not second.”

“I’m saying it in fourth!”

“No you aren’t. You have to say it like you’re angry. You just sound…slightly displeased. Say ‘to buy’.”

“Mǎi.”

“Now say ‘to sell’.”

“Mai.”

“No, see that’s where you’re fucking up. Your third tone is fine, it’s just…your fourth. Say it like you’re pissed. Mài!”

“Mai!”

“Wow you really are terrible at tones.” You let your head bump against the top of the table you and Tao are camped out at in your University’s study hall. You were in desperate search of a tutor for Chinese, and happened to remember that your roommate’s boyfriend’s friend happened to be from the exact place where this difficult ass language is spoken. You have an oral exam in a week, and unable to practice with any of your friends (who are totally lame and didn’t want to take Chinese with you) you reached out to him.

Through your roommate’s boyfriend of course.

As good as his Chinese is, he sucks as a teacher. And to top it off he was expecting lessons from you in return. You expected him to ask for something in exchange for helping you, but never in your life did you think he wanted to learn English slang.

His foot nudges you under the table. “Hey, now tell me what this word is. What does this mean? Arthur Mee Mee.” you hold your head up to give him a bored stare. He holds his phone in front of you and you see an Arthur meme on his screen.

“It’s meme. Not mee mee. Like…me-muh. You don’t say the second m-e the way you say the first,” you explain monotonously. He pulls his phone back and looks at it like you’ve just explained quantum physics or the meaning of life or some shit. You watch him mouth the word to himself a few times and nod approvingly to himself.  

“I hate Chinese,” you grunt in dissatisfaction.

“Say that in Chinese.”

“Wǒ zhēn bù xǐhuān zhongwén.”

“You said zhōng weird.”

“Your face is weird,” you retort bitterly. He scoffs and doesn’t bother to reply. “Tao you’re supposed to be helping me, and I’m not getting any better at this.” Your plea falls on deaf ears as the guy across from you distractedly plays with his phone. Fingers flying across the screen and soft smile creeping across his face.

You’re going to have to fight him to get him to actively pay any attention to you.

“Let’s just call it a day. I haven’t gotten anything done, and yet…” you wait to see if he is going to even attempt to acknowledge the fact that you started talking. He doesn’t. You huff. “And yet I have a headache.”

Still no response. You stand up agitated and start to violently shove all of your shit in your bag. You feel disregarded and even a bit embarrassed. You nearly had to beg him for this tutoring session, and you even got…somewhat dressed up for it. You could have worn sweats and not done shit to your hair, but you did because you wanted to give a good impression…and you heard he was kind of cute so like…

But fuck that.

You’ll find a new tutor and you’ll dress comfortably and actually get some studying done.

You just need to find someone who can actually help you in Chinese…

You glance outside of the glass that separates the small study room from the larger area and try to get a gauge on what time it might be. You started studying at like 6pm…there’s no way it can be any later than 7. Whipping your phone out of your pocket to check the time and you see that yes, you were right. It’s only 6:42. 2 hours earlier than you intended on leaving today.

“Where are you going?”

“Home. Did you not just hear me 5 seconds ago?”

“You said something?” he asks genuinely. You grunt and chuck your bag over your shoulder offering a bitter but polite smile.

“Thanks for your time, but I don’t think we should continue these sessions,” you tell him evenly. A brief nod is all you can give as you scatter from the room before he can retort or even think of composing a response.

You stab at the elevator buttons trying to get it to close quickly so that you can hide in your room and study for your copious other midterms that you have to prepare for. On the bus ride to your home you send a quick frustrated message to your friend expressing the failure of a tutor you had, and the hopelessness you feel towards ever graduating and getting a stable job.

“Oh you’re home? We’re going to a dining hall do you want to come?” one of your roommates, a girl you’ve known since high school, asks you as soon as you walk through the door.

You grimace and shake your head apologetically. “Sorry, I’ve got a shit ton of homework to do before this weekend. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Don’t over stress yourself. You’ve been locked up in your room for the past 2 weeks. It’s like we haven’t seen you at all,” you other roommate adds.

You shrug noncommittally. “Sorry guys. I’ll join you next time for sure.” With mumbled goodbyes, they leave and you return to your bedroom.

Stupid Tao. Stupid Chinese Oral. Stupid fucking college.

Right before you can shed your clothes and shower your phone chimes a bunch of times in succession. It must be your best friend. When you open the messages, you’re greeted by straight Mandarin on your screen. Confused, you double check the sender.

It’s Tao.

Why the hell is he texting you, and in fucking Mandarin no less? Did he feel the need to add insult to injury by making you work to read whatever it is he has to say after you ran out of the study hall?

Huang Zi Tao:

>昨天你对了

>她真漂亮

>我太紧张了，不看她

>她讨厌我，我知道了

> 鹿哥, 帮我!

The words glare at you and you wonder if maybe it’s because you just got back from staring at your textbook that the words refuse to register in your mind. These words…you know all these characters.

Your bag falls from your shoulder as you glare back at the messages as if it’ll intimidate them into transforming into English.

There’s no way you could misinterpret something in English.

And there’s definitely no way that Tao miss sent 5 messages (five whole god damned texts) to your phone and…said you were pretty. You might suck at speaking Mandarin, but fortunately your writing and reading ability is the best in your class.

He thinks you’re pretty. He thinks you’re pretty and was too nervous to look at you and he…thinks you hate him. You pull the phone to your chest and blink owlishly at your bathroom door. What do you do? Do you message him back? Reveal yourself?

>怎么了?

The message sends and you don’t have the time to panic before you’re sent another message from him.

Huang Zi Tao

>每次她和我说话的时候，我看着我的手机

>我最坏的

Your fingers move across the screen as heat rises to your face.

>不对。You arent the worst

>lets meet again tomorrow. Same place at 3.

> leave your phone at home this time

What are you doing? What are you even doing?

You type out the short response and delete the smiley face you wanted to add. You want to seem indifferent. Embarrassed, but not nearly as much as he probably is, you lock your phone and escape to the bathroom hoping a shower will work some magic on your…

What is it that you’re feeling?

Excitement?

Giddiness?

Nervousness?

Apprehension?

Whatever it is, you hope the shower will get rid of it so that you can rest up before another study day (hopefully more successful than today’s) with Tao.

Your bag feels heavier on your shoulder today as you ride the elevator up to the 3rd floor of the study hall. After last night, Tao never messaged you back, but you figure he was either too mortified to initiate any further conversation, or he’d just fallen asleep.

Either way, you were here and you planned on studying no matter whether he shows up or not.

Clear as day you find him rigidly sitting in the exact same room, in the exact same chair that you left him yesterday.

No phone in sight.

Calmly, you open the door and step in, keeping your eyes glued to the ground as you settle in the seat you occupied yesterday and pull out your study materials. You make slow work of it. Taking each book out one at a time. Picking up 2 pencils and a pen and setting them down on the table softly before rearranging the order.

Finally, you decide to look up and when you do he’s watching you closely.

His eyes widen at the abruptness of your action compared to how slow you were setting up, and if you weren’t aware of what he thinks about you, you might have mistaken the way he looked off to the side as agitation.

But you do know what he thinks. And you know that he’s embarrassed. A weird satisfaction fills you.

“So I think we should start where we left off yesterday,” you say evenly. He cringes to himself and nods shortly before looking at your face once more.

“I’m so sor-”

“Chapter 9 right?” you look down at your book and pull it open to the page you’d left off on. His words die off as you shift your stuff around once more. Silence engulfs you both as you stare down at your book and he stares worriedly at you. This is suffocating you and you can’t even be mad. Because you did this to yourself???? You’re the one drawing this out.

With a sigh, you finally look up at his…wounded (wow you feel like shit) expression.

“I’m sorry!” he blurts suddenly. You jump in your seat at the volume. He clamps a hand over his mouth and breathes out heavily. “I…I thought I was messaging Luhan.”

“It’s fine.” The words come out easily, and really, it is. You aren’t mad at him. Not one bit. In fact, reading his confession made you like him more than you thought you would. You were ready to hate him, honestly, since he spent the entire day on his phone yesterday. But, you got your explanation, and some flattery. “What’s there to apologize over?”

His mouth parts slightly in shock at your words, before he tries to compose himself. “Oh…well nothing,” he pouts and you bite back a smirk at the confusion on his face. He must think you didn’t understand what he sent you. “How much,” he clears his throat as some of his confidence begins to come back. “How much did you…understand?”

You purse your lips as you pull out your own phone. When you set it on the table he blanches once more. You point to the first message. “You were right yesterday,” you translate easily. You point to the next, “She’s really pretty.” You smirk when you point to the third and catch his eyes. “I was too nervous, I couldn’t look at her…”

He swipes your phone off the table and hides it in his pocket out of your reach. You gape at him as he looks at you as if he can’t believe he did it either.

“Hey!”

“I get it! You understood what I wrote. Jeez you’re too brutal,” he grumbles. Smiling, you lean back in your seat and cross your arms over your chest. “I thought you needed a tutor because you can’t speak Chinese,” he lifts his eyes to look at you. Embarrassment fading bit by bit.

You nod. “I can’t speak it. You heard my tones. Reading, writing, and listening though? I’m perfectly fine.” Your smile is proud as you look back at him. He closes his eyes and groans loudly.

“I’ve never been more embarrassed in my entire life,” he mumbles to himself.

Stretching a leg out, you kick him lightly. “Don’t be. I…Your messages were really…cute. They were cute and you shouldn’t feel too embarrassed about it,” you admit shyly.

He brightens and smiles widely, so you cough loudly to avoid having to say more. You look at him with a smile. “So, Chapter 9?”

“(Y/N)?”

Your hand hovers in front of the door to the coffee shop you should have been leaving 20 minutes ago (but you and your friend got distracted talking while she made your drink) when you hear your former professor’s voice at a table near the door. She looks pleasantly surprised to see you, and you’re just plain surprised to see her. Classes are over for the year and you expected all of the professors to be off campus at this point. You smile politely and walk in her direction.

“Li Laoshi, hi!”

“Sorry to be bothering you, I know you’ve got somewhere to be,” she starts. You shake your head even though you do have to be somewhere… “I just wanted to tell you how well you did in my class, and how much I enjoyed having you.”

“Oh, no thank you for having me. I loved your class.”

She smiles genuinely and you glance nervously towards the door. “That’s good. Did you have any plans on joining the Chinese program to Taiwan next spring? It counts as class credit and an internship.”

“I plan on going. I just have to work out the details with my counselor before I apply. It sounds like a lot of fun and I need the credits-” you’re interrupted when you hear your name being called once again. When did you get so popular? Tao walks up to you and winds his arm around your shoulder.

Your teacher’s eyes widen ever so slightly and you subtly try to nudge him off of you.

“Hello I’m Tao,” he introduces himself and you want to die on the spot.

You sigh and smile apologetically to your professor. “Ms. Li this is Tao. Tao…this is my Chinese professor.” He straightens and reaches out to shake her hand, but you shove the two coffees that were in your hand into his chest. “Take these. I’ll be out in a minute.”

He nods and gives your professor one last smile. “It was nice meeting you!”

She grins back and raises an eyebrow at you. “Sorry I need to go, it was nice seeing you again. I’ll see you next year,” you say hurriedly.

You scurry to door and are halfway out when she calls after you once more. “Keep studying your Chinese this summer. The best way is to get a Chinese boyfriend you know.”

Your face heats up as you look out at the bench where Tao is sipping from both his drink and then yours as he tries to figure whose he likes more. “I know,” you murmur. With a final wave you trot over and steal your half drunken cup from your boyfriend’s hands.

>昨天你对了 = You were right yesterday

>她真漂亮  = She’s really pretty

>我太紧张了，不看她  =  i was too nervous i couldn’t look at her

>怎么了 = What’s wrong

>她讨厌我，我知道了 =  she hates me, i know it

> 鹿哥, 帮我!  =  Lu-ge help me!

>每次她和我说话的时候，我看着我的手机  = every time we talked i was looking at my phone

>我最坏的  = i’m the worst

>不对 = Wrong/Not right

[kate-writes-fluff]

If you're still doing dialogue prompts? 160? For whatever you want?

160.  [text] Who says no to sex and donuts?!

When I saw this, I thought of Jean, so @tiggeryumyumm I decided to work in your Valentine’s day themed jeanmarco in the same prompt.

Sorry for the wait!  I’ve been fighting some real writer’s block.

Jean: Who says no to sex and donuts?!

Eren: just bc i work at a bakery doesn’t mean u can take advantage of it

Jean: I just thought it would sweeten the deal ;)

Eren: obviously it didn’t work

Jean: T-T

Eren: considering how thin the walls are in our apartment, i’m grateful for ur lackluster flirting skills

Jean: …. Rude

Jean locks his phone and sighs as lets himself into their apartment.  It’s only 5 a.m., about a half hour after the Wings of Freedom closes for the night and therefore way too early in the morning to deal with Eren’s teasing.  Jean drags his feet as he makes his way to his cluttered bedroom, exhausted from both his most recent rejection and a long night of wiping down tables at the bar.  He simply throws his uniform–which chronically reeks of alcohol–into a corner of the room as he strips, not even bothering to throw on pajamas before he flops into bed and promptly falls asleep.

Hours later he’s ripped away from a pleasant dream about a handsome stranger with plump kissable lips and warm, welcoming arms by an annoying buzzing noise uncomfortably close to his ear.  Jean groans as he fumbles, finally finding his phone underneath his pillow with the display lit up with a new message.  Part of him wants to ignore it, but he knows that if Eren pities him enough he might offer to bring him food–but only if he replies before he changes his mind.

Turns out, the text is from Eren, but it’s a picture of a flyer with no words attached.  He can’t help but groan as he taps the image to enlarge it and squint at the tiny, pixelated words his brain isn’t awake enough to comprehend yet.

“Valentine’s Meet Up,” it says in a curly romantic font.  “Hang out with other singles and donate your time to brighten someone’s day.  Make friends and meet someone new.”

Before Jean can think of a coherent response, though “what the fuck” would probably be a decent enough answer, Eren texts him again.

Eren:  i signed u up

Jean: whyyyyy?

Eren: bc ur single +whiney + u have a day off on 2/14

         also ur a romantic loser so i know ur gonna be extra whiney on V day

Jean: ….

Eren:  u kno im right. Accept it

Jean:  i only read this text b/c i thought you were offering me food

Eren:  if i bring u a donut will u stop complaining

Jean: its a start

Eren: i hate u

Jean puts his phone on his dresser and sighs happily as he relaxes back into his pillow, looking forward to the treat his roommate will inevitably bring him.

Jean makes good on his promise and doesn’t complain about the singles anonymous meeting Eren has signed him up for.  Though he makes sure to give his roommate the stink eye when he finds out that he has holiday plans of his own.

“If you’re hanging out with Mikasa and Armin, then why couldn’t you just let me tag along?”  Jean whines, turning to give his roommate the most pitiful expression he can muster from beside him on their lumpy clearance-sale couch.

Eren doesn’t bother to look up from his phone as he promptly answers, “Because you would spend the whole day complaining and flirting with my sister.”

“Not true!  I might flirt with Armin too,” Jean flutters his eyelashes as Eren groans, turning away from him to finish texting his sister about their plans.

“Yeah, like I want to make my sister and my best friend uncomfortable all day.”

“But you’ll let your sister crash your date with your crush.”

“It’s not a date!”  Eren exclaims despite his bright pink cheeks.

“But Armin is your crush?”  Jean laughs as he reaches out to playfully ruffle his roommate’s hair, an attempt that costs him an elbow in the side.

“I hate you,” Eren groans.

“Then get your own Netflix,” Jean suggests, switching windows on his computer away from the website in question to check his email.  He makes a point to delete his junk mail as slowly as possible, just to rile up his roommate even more.  After about ten excruciatingly long minutes he’s about to give in and start the episode of Stranger Things when a new email pops up in his inbox.

“It’s for that Valentine’s thing,” Jean remarks, catching Eren’s attention.  He crowds over Jean’s shoulder to watch as he opens the message.

Dear Mr. Kirstein,

Thank you for expressing interest in helping to set up and organize the Valentines Meet Up event.  Would you mind meeting me at the bakery to discuss planning details?

Thanks,

Marco Bodt

There’s a moment of silence as they stare blankly at the polite message before Jean pointedly glares over his shoulder.  “Eren!  I thought you signed me up for the event, not the planning committee!!”

“Whoops,” Eren shrugs and leans back into his own spot on the couch, giving his roommate the space he needs to properly fume.

“You did this on purpose, didn’t you?” Jean accuses, narrowing his eyes into an even harsher glare.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Eren turns his attention back to his phone, pointedly avoiding further eye-contact as he resumes texting.  Jean puffs his cheeks angrily, unsure whether the avoidance is a sign of guilt or exactly how little Eren cares about the situation.

“… That’s it, we’re watching Hart of Dixie.”

“No!” Eren exclaims, dropping his phone in his lap as he finally returns eye contact.

“If you signed me up to be a romantic sap for the full week until Valentine’s day, well then I’m going to start now.”

Eren groans but shifts in his seat to see the screen better.  “It’s not even romantic, they’re just idiots for the sake of drama.”

Though Jean agrees with him there, he can’t help but roll his eyes at the remark.  “You can complain when you have an actual love-life, Mr. I’m-in-love-with-my-bff-but-I’m-too-scared-to-say-anything.”

“Says the chronic single,” Eren bites back, digging his elbow into a ticklish spot in Jean’s side, making the other man squirm.  “I hope you meet someone at the stupid event so you’re too busy being stupid and in love to bother me anymore.”

“You and me both.  Watching you guys flirt is more excruciating than watching Zoe and Wade go back and forth.”

Eren grumbles profanities under his breath for several minutes before he angrily remarks, “Are you going to start the show or not?”

Jean sighs as his alarm goes off at 11 a.m. the next day.  Working nights means that on a normal day, he tends to sleep through the afternoon.  But thanks to Eren, he has plans to meet the event guy at the bakery that cut his much-needed sleep short.

The night before had been a long, tiring day and even as he wakes up he still feels tired and listless, barely able to keep his eyes open.  Maybe if he was more awake, he would have put the effort into dressing for a first impression.  But the fact is, he’s simply too tired to care.  So he slips into a pair of sweatpants and a flannel shirt, not even bothering to comb his hair before he shoves his shoes onto his feet and stumbles out the door.

Eren’s wiping down the counter when he arrives at the Braus’ bakery.  As Jean slumps against the customer side of the counter, Eren shoots him a distasteful look.  “Really, not even an effort?”  

Jean finds enough effort to roll his eyes.  “Give me the sugar I need to get through this.”

Eren grunts an affirmative as he reaches into the display case to pull out a raspberry filled donut.  As Jean pulls out his wallet to begrudgingly pay–though this is all his roommate’s fault, he knows better than asking him to pay too often–Eren nods toward one of the front tables.  “Marco’s here already.”

As Jean turns to find the person he’s meeting, he suddenly wishes he had bothered to look in a mirror before he left the apartment.  Dressed in a spotless lilac button-down and steam-pressed gray slacks, the man looks as put together as Jean isn’t.  But by this point, Jean is just too tired to even think about running back to his apartment to scrounge up an outfit that looks half decent.  Though he does quickly finger-comb his hair before he slides into the chair opposite the man.

“Hi!  Are you Jean?”  The man smiles brightly at his approach, making Jean regret his clothing choices all over again.  Because that dimpled smile single-handedly makes his heart clench and his hands start to sweat.  Though the freckles across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose certainly make the expression far more endearing than anything larger than a baby animal should ever be.  In contrast, Jean can almost feel the bags under his eyes and wonders what the stranger thinks about the hot mess he regrettably is.

“Yeah.” Jean does his best to smile politely, though it falls short.  His cheeks feel stiff and his flirting muscles are not quite awake enough to throw out his usual charms.  “Are we waiting for anyone else?”  He takes a moment to look around the shop and though there are few people getting breakfast to go, there aren’t many people milling around.

“No… you’re the only volunteer.”  Marco threads his fingers around his coffee cup and looks crestfallen for a moment before he smiles again.  “Let’s start brainstorming, shall we?” he suggests as he pulls out a small spiral notebook and a pen.

“Um, sure.  What do you have in mind?”

Marco eagerly flips the page in his notebook, revealing rows upon rows of neat handwriting and messy doodles and diagrams.  “I’m so glad you asked.”

The following week is the busiest Jean’s had in years.  Whenever he turns around, he’s making bright colored paper chains or folding squares of paper and cutting out paper shapes, filling his and Eren’s apartment with boxes upon boxes of decorations.  Whenever Jean gets ready for work, he can hear Eren stumbling and cursing over the new boxes that appear while he’s out of the apartment.  It would be funnier if Jean didn’t trip over the damn things himself, too.

The highlight of all the paper toil is that Marco is loathe to make him work alone.  During the week, they meet up at the bakery at noon, where Marco spends his lunch break away from the library decorating the place with him.  (Jean makes a mental note to pay the local library a visit someday soon.)

Even after spending so much time together, Jean doesn’t find himself tiring of Marco.  In fact, with each day he looks forward to every time he leaves to return to work, Jean finds himself actually looking forward to the next day even more.  Marco is just as charming as he was the first day they met, cheerful, creative, and fun.  

Unwilling to repeat the embarrassment of their first meeting, Jean’s careful to pick the best outfits in his closet for their afternoon meetings.  He can’t help but blush the day Marco compliments a shirt ornamented with an iron-on transfer of one of his own art prints.

Jean has always been one to preen over compliments, but the sheer sincerity in Marco’s voice and smile as he gives them is enough to fluster him every time.  Halfway through the week, Jean realizes that his attraction for Marco is slowly growing more than skin-deep.  That day, Marco laughs cheerfully at even the shittiest of his puns–a quip about Eren being the real breadwinner in their roommate relationship because bussing tables doesn’t exactly set the bar high–and Jean softens.

By the weekend, Jean finally finds the guts to invite Marco over, so they can watch movies while they create card supplies.  Marco brings takeout and they eat together on his lumpy couch.  When Jean watches tv with Eren, they have no qualms about personal space, throwing arms and legs into the lap of the other at a whim because they’ve learned not to care about boundaries after years of living together.  Here, with Marco, Jean is fully aware of just how small the sofa is and just the barest brushing of skin against skin is enough to make him jittery.  

Marco doesn’t seem to mind his nervousness, too busy laughing at the antics of the characters of The Grand Budapest Hotel and flashing smiles Jean’s way when a particularly funny line is spoken.  Jean confides that he’s an aspiring artist working at the bar only to make money in the meantime, so Marco makes an effort to point out the parts he finds visually inspiring.  He enjoys the pastel color palettes–strikingly similar to the colors of his dress shirts– and cheerfully taps Jean’s knee to point out the most brightly colorful scenes.  (He likes the pinks of the Mendl’s boxes the most.)

At nine o’ clock, Marco needs to leave and Jean has to get dressed for another night working the bar.  As Jean locks the door behind them, Marco hesitates for a moment, twisting his fingers together.  “I’ve heard that In the Mood for Love is a really visually interesting movie too.  And I’ve been dying to see it,” he remarks off-handedly, looking down the hall at the flickering lights instead of at Jean.

“Sounds cool,” he says, words that seem like the understatement of the century.  

For the first time ever, he smiles through his whole shift at work.

“Do you guys have to come flirt at my workplace every day?”  Eren asks on February 13th.  “It’s sorta gross.”

Jean’s ears warm but he scoffs at the question, “We are not flirting.  He just happens to actually appreciate my jokes.  Unlike some people.”  

Eren snorts.  “The only way he’d find you funny is if he has a crush.”  He leans against the oven door casually, enjoying watching Jean squirm with embarrassment for once.

Jean huffs in retaliation, “Less talking, more baking.  If we’re doing to decorate cookies tomorrow, we need cookies.”

Finally it’s the night of Valentine’s day and Jean’s nervous.  All their hard work is on display, hung up around the bakery, decorating it with reds and pinks from head to toe.  Trays of fresh cookies are ready to decorate and paper pieces are prepared for cards.

The cheerfully colored donation boxes are set up in the front of the room, listing the names of local hospitals and orphanages that are accepting cards.  The slogan “Give a card, give a smile,” hangs on a banner directly behind the boxes.

Sugary sweet pop music starts playing as Marco returns from the sound system, setting up a themed playlist from his phone.  Jean tries not to stare at the pink tie the man has on–the same color as the Mendl’s boxes in the movie they had seen together.

“It’s almost time,” Marco smiles, threading his fingers together restlessly.  “People should start arriving anytime now.”  The air between them seems charged with anxious restlessness.  Suddenly, in their last moments alone together it hits Jean that once the day is over, once they clean up the bakery, they’ll lose their excuses to see each other.

It doesn’t really matter that over the course of the week, Jean has learned that Marco’s favorite color is teal and that Persuasion is his favorite Jane Austen novel.  That Marco didn’t tease him when Jean confided that his favorite childhood movie was The Princess Bride.  It doesn’t matter that Jean showed Marco his art portfolio and the other man enthusiastically admired it, saying that if he ever finished writing his book he’d love to commission him to design the cover.

Once the event is done, they no longer have a reason to spend so much time together.

The shop bell rings and people start arriving, forcing the two men to separate and socialize, doing their best to keep the mingling running as smoothly as possible.  (Honestly, Jean hates this sort of thing, but after all the work they had done, he can’t weasel his way out of chaperoning a bunch of adults for a night.)

Regardless of how busy Jean finds himself throughout the night, his eyes always wander to the other side of the room where Marco is cheerfully chatting with other cute single people.  

He’s busy staring instead of paying attention to the card making tables when a young woman with wavy auburn hair whistles at him.  “Yo loverboy.  This is the wrong place to stand around being lovesick,” she chides, carelessly wiping cookie crumbs off her fingers.  “Sit down, make a card.  You’ll fit in with all the unhappy singles that way.”  She grabs a sheet of cardstock out of the pile and quickly scribbles something on it before handing it over.

It messily reads “Ur hot freckleface” above a hand-drawn heart that looks remarkably like a butt.

“See, it’s half done now.”

Jean sighs but sits down to work on fix the card she started.  He grabs a pink paper heart that’s just barely large enough to cover her unromantic words.  As he glues it down, he can’t help but notice that it’s the same shade as Marco’s tie and that thought convinces him to hazard a glance over at him.  The tall man is busy chatting and working on decorating his own cookies, even as he oversees others.

It wouldn’t hurt to make my own, I guess, he muses, searching through the box of children’s markers to find a color he likes.  It’s been years since he’s made anyone a hand-made valentine.  The only friend that might appreciate one would be Armin–the most sentimental out of the group–, though Eren would definitely change the wifi passwords for that sort of “personal offence.”

After an hour, Jean and Marco switch stations; Jean overseeing the decorations of the last batch of cookies while Marco helps with the cards.  Jean slides his own card into the back pocket of his jeans, unwilling to let his newfound friend even guess toward his intentions yet.

Finally, two hours after it started, people begin to leave, many of them in small groups as they chat and exchange phone numbers.  Even the woman who “helped” Jean with his card is cheekily hanging off the arm of a stern-faced young man.  She whispers something in his ear and his cheeks flare red before she turns back to wink at Jean as they leave the building.

The floor is covered in cookie crumbs, sprinkles, and paper scraps that will be a pain to clean-up, but even so Marco still smiles.  “Looks like a success.  People walked in alone, but they’re leaving with friends.”

Jean’s card feels like a weight in his pocket and he has to concede that yeah, it really seems like a success.  

They take their time cleaning, taking away all the little sugary clues that they’d been there, that they’d prepared for a whole week over it.  Jean’s smile falls as he returns to his earlier train in thought:  that their reason for spending time together is quickly falling away as they sweep up the mess.

“Cheer up, Jean.  The night’s still young,” Marco laughs, taking a moment to turn up the speakers.  Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch” blares, bringing back memories of youtube videos Jean forgot watching.

“Where’d you find this?  What year do you think it is?  2007?”  

The music becomes a palpable presence in the room, especially as Marco begins singing along, dancing with his broom as he sweeps.  Jean cracks a smile as he laughs, leaning into the table he was in the midst of cleaning for support.  He’s laughing so hard that he doesn’t notice Marco’s approach until he leans the broom against his table.

“Mind dancing with me?  That broom is just too stiff and wooden.”  Marco holds his palm upwards, like a prince asking for a dance in the ball of a fairytale, not in an empty bakery that looks like it was ransacked by preschoolers on a sugar-high.

“I can’t dance.”  Jean waves his hands in refusal, but Marco’s grin only widens.

“Neither can I.”

Finally, Jean gives in and reaches out to hold onto Marco’s shoulders as the other man leads him around the room.  They trip and stumble on chairs they hadn’t put away yet, but they only laugh in the face of their own clumsiness, each mistake bringing their bodies even closer together.

The song ends and something slower and mellower replaces it.  Jean can feel his pulse pounding but it’s hard to be embarrassed about it when he can feel the beat of Marco’s own heart from where their chests are touching.  

“I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts.  Some superhero, some fairytale bliss.

Just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss.”

Marco smiles breathlessly, his lips barely inches from Jean’s, and suddenly it feels a little too close and intimate, so Jean takes a step back to pull the card out of his pocket.  It’s more than a little crumpled around the edges from their romp around the shop, but Jean finds himself passing it over anyway.  It just seems… fitting.

The card is brightly colored and framed with paper hearts, but on the front it simply reads “Thanks” in Jean’s best penmanship.  Marco’s face falls a little as he looks at it, so Jean hurries to explain himself as he opens it.  “I wanted to thank you for setting this all up, because it really turned out to be a lot of fun.  And mostly because I got to meet you.  And I hope you don’t mind if I ask, but I’d really like to keep hanging out, even though Valentine’s day is over….”

Marco cuts him off with a gentle hand on his own.  “I’d really like that…  But you know, Valentine’s day isn’t over quite yet….  And there’s no one I’d rather spend it with than you.”

Jean’s cheeks burn brightly as Marco retrieves a small plastic bag from where it’s lying forgotten on the counter:  a cookie decorated with a heart and Jean spelled in pretty cursive.

They have a whole lot of cleanup left to do, but Jean really can’t bring himself to mind.  Even if he had to stay there all night, picking up each and every crumb individually with his bare fingers, he’d willingly do it if Marco would keep looking at him the way he is now, like he’s been the highlight of the night.

But the night’s still young, of course.  And if they want to watch In the Mood for Love and kiss on Jean’s couch, then they need to finish cleaning.

[thetowerupright]

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)