#ashley: ashley in conversation with sara and vice versa

[hellyeahomeland]

HIDE YOUR DOGS. LOCK YOUR DOORS: In which Sara and Ashley finally recount what happened during last year’s finale

[Alternate title: GMTA.]

[Ashley and I have alluded to our whirlwind of a day during last year’s finale many times on various podcasts but we’ve never actually talked about what went on. Since we’re now a full season later, and once again watching the finale together, we thought we’d chat about that crazy night, and how we’re attempting to prevent another disaster from occurring this year (at least as far as we can control). --Sara]

Ashley: Okay, hello to my friend who is sitting 18 inches away from me.

Sara: oh hi!

Sara: i feel like we should be sitting on opposite sides of each other so you can't read what i am writing

Ashly: would you like a glass of wine or is it too early?

Sara: mm it's almost 4

Ashley: ok brb afk

Sara: what is afk

Sara: ty for getting me wine

Ashley: cheers!

Sara: Cheers!! 🙄

Sara: I meant that to be a 😘

Sara: they are just next to each other on my most used emojis

Ashley: i have not received an eyeroll emoji in a really long time

Ashley: times have changed

Sara: they sho have

Ashley speaking of times changing

Sara: and SHO

Ashley: you are very funny sara

Sara: ikr

Ashley: ya

Ashley: anyhoozles

Sara: i'm glad that word has caught on

Ashley: yeah with me

Sara: me too!

Ashley: ANY

Ashley: HOOZLES

Sara: ANYHOOZLES

Sara: today is the day of the finale, which you forgot about

Sara: and i want to talk about what we were doing LAST year for the finale

Ashley: we are coming atcha from across my friend’s kitchen table

Sara: this is a story we tried to tell on the podcast like 4 separate times

Ashley: last year for the finale was so good

Ashley: i know you think it was a disaster but it was a REALLY FUN DAY

Sara: that weekend started out kinda shitty though

Ashley: omg

Ashley: because my flight got canceled

Sara: remember your flight got canceled

Sara: JINX

Ashley: yep

Sara: it was v stressful but you ended up making it to chicago

Ashley: the weather had been horrific in boston all weekend, so flights were impossible. i ended up flying to indianapolis.

Sara: for some reason i had not internalized that you were vegan-ish then so i got like cheese and crackers for some reason idk

Sara: so much has changed in the past year

Ashley: did you? you got me cinnamon sugar pita chips from trader joes.

Sara: yes i did

Sara: later we got chicago vodka

Ashley: we did!

Ashley: but i think we did that on saturday

Sara: and remember you saw someone in trader joe's that was a friend of a friend? that was freaky

Ashley: yeah and i only knew him because i was wearing a t-shirt for the crossfit my friend owned

Ashley: and he was all, “do you know the lady who owns it?"

Ashley: no, dumbass, i just bought this random-ass shirt

Sara: in hindsight that was probably the beginning of your long con to make me believe this person existed

Ashley: anyway we got vodka

Ashley: and wine

Ashley: hahahaha

Ashley: i talked to her on the phone last night and you HEARD ME, i ignored you for 45 minutes because i am a good hostess

Ashley: i left you to the dogs

Ashley: do you think people are going to really want to read this sara

Sara: ok but saturday was brunch and hamilton and you went to take a nap but ended up sleeping the rest of the night

Ashley: i did!

Sara: SUNDAY

Sara: ok on sunday

Sara: finale day

Sara: LAST YEAR'S FINALE DAY

Ashley: we went to a white sox game

Ashley: and they lost

Sara: yes that was fun as fuck

Ashley: and we drank alcoholic root beer

Sara: that was delicious!

Ashley: which was the beginning of a D E S C E N T

Sara: yes

Ashley: your phone is buzzing

Sara: it was really hot that day too

Ashley: do you want to check it

Sara: i just did it's ok

Ashley: it was! was i wearing a hot pink running skirt?

Sara: idr

Sara: i have a pic from that day

Ashley: me too but it’s just our faces

Ashley: i was wearing a white sox shirt

Ashley: and we went to navy pier

Ashley: and rode the ferris wheel

Sara: look how long my hair is! look how red yours is

Sara: we went to navy pier and the ferris wheel on saturday

Ashley: oh i forgot i had that necklace

Ashley: REMEMBER HOW RED MY HAIR WAS IN THE SUN????

Sara: SUNDAY we went to two separate locations to buy a tv

Ashley: oh was that saturday?? yeah that makes sense.

Ashley: right, we had to buy a tv.

Sara: for anyone still reading this

Ashley: because the tv in our airbnb was not HDMI equipped

Sara: the airbnb where we were staying did not have HDMI hook-ups

Ashley: i was like “we can watch on my computer” and you were like

Sara: so we couldn't hook up a roku

Ashley: IT IS THE FINALE

Sara: yes, i don't play around with that shit

Ashley: you brought your apple tv too

Sara: we went to target first

Ashley: we were both prepared

Ashley: we just wanted to buy the shitty roku that has the AV cables but technology has advanced

Sara: and were like "do you have a roku that just hooks up with the red/yellow/white cables"

Sara: and the guy said they did but he was mistaken

Ashley: okay really we are the same person so like

Ashley: we’re just typing the same things

Sara: we're both telling the same story

Sara: ok i will finish

Sara: the story

Ashley: i know but we do this all the time

Ashley: SARA BOUGHT A WHOLE TV

Sara: we do remember when we both had the same question about why you would still PMS after you had a hysterectomy

Ashley: AND IT LIVED IN HER CAR UNTIL SHE MOVED TO NEW YORK

Sara: true story

Sara: I BOUGHT THE FUCKING TV

Ashley: that wasn’t the question

Sara: we went to best buy

Ashley: the question was where the eggs would go if you still had your ovaries but no uterus

Sara: oh yeah

Sara: i had to ask my mom

Ashley: shouts out to our friend who recently got de-utez

Ashley: ed

Ashley: de-utezed

Sara: the answer by the way

Sara: is that the eggs are just re-absorbed into your body

Sara: the human body is so silly!

Sara: BACK TO OUR STORY

Ashley: that entire quote is sara’s mom

Ashley: she was like “i don’t ask what makes my car work"

Sara: no my mom said the human body is amazing

Sara: and i said the human body is silly

Sara: OK BACK TO OUR STORY FOR REAL

Ashley: there is a dog outside

Ashley: the dogs inside are going crazy

Sara: much barks

Ashley: woofs!

Sara: dogs is going crazy*

Ashley: yes thank you

Ashley: BACK TO OUR STORY

Sara: so we get to best buy

Ashley: sara bought a tv and we had to uber it 12 minutes back to the apartment

Sara: and i ask the best buy man which of the TVs have HDMI hook-ups

Sara: and he's like "um all of them it's the year 2017"

Sara: and i said "ok i need to buy the cheapest tv because i really only want to watch one thing on it"

Sara: so i bought a tv

Sara: it was like $100

Sara: i intended to return it

Sara: but that did not happen

Ashley: i think it was $132

Sara: shit that's expensive

Sara: i'm so ridiculous

Sara: 132 american dollars to watch that shit ass finale

Ashley: i wonder if the best buy man’s ears are ringing

Sara: i'm sure he's reading this

Ashley: hi best buy man

Sara: anyway we uber'd back to the airbnb to drop the tv off

Sara: then went to the white sox game where they lost

Sara: THEN we went to the liquor store

Sara: to buy liquor

Sara: bc after 2 drinks at the baseball game that seemed like a good idea

Ashley: no we just went back to trader joe's

Sara: [we just had a verbal argument about whether we got the liquor at a liquor store or trader joe's]

Sara: [ashley was right]

Ashley: [ashley is often right]

Ashley: we also bought wine from walgreens

Sara: which is what i remembered as a liquor store

Sara: we bought cupcake wine in honor of carrie mathison

Sara: and some red bull

Sara: for red bull and vodka

Ashley: oh god the red bull

Ashley: because as you know ashley is sleepy

Sara: that was the first (AND LAST) time i ever had red bull + vodka

Sara: we pre-gamed with the red bull/vodka

Sara: by the time the episode had started we were drinking the pinot grigio

Ashley: and we got a bottle of whispering angel which i am also drinking tonight

Sara: ew

Sara: i can't drink that anymore

Sara: blech

Ashley: but i only have a little bit left

Ashley: i bought better wine for later

Ashley: remember? you were there.

Sara: ya i was there we got octopus wine too

Sara: AND PRETZELS

Ashley: how stoked were you when the OA said her fave food was pretzels

Sara: 

Ashley: and wtf kind of question is that to ask a woman who has been subsisting on fucking nutrition pellets for however long

Sara: i didn't feel like i drank that much

Sara: during last year's finale

Sara: but we somehow drank the entire bottle of pinot grigio despite me feeling like i had at most 1 glass

Ashley: wait am i going to have to tell the whole story of all of my adventures that night or can we skip it

Sara: you have to tell it but we're not there yet

Ashley: shit

Ashley: ok

Sara: i remember watching that godawful finale next to you so distinctly

Sara: like... i don't really allow talking during homeland unless i initiate it

Ashley: and you broke all your rules

Sara: yes, that's what i'm getting at

Ashley: well not the phone one

Ashley: gmta

Sara: when they showed quinn being shot i was like "holy shit. they killed him"

Sara: and you punched me

Ashley: and i was like

Ashley: NO THEY DIDN'T

Sara: ya you never believed he was dead

Sara: like

Sara: ever

Ashley: the past year has been remarkably similar

Sara: lol right??

Ashley: oh god that fucking finale

Sara: while i believed from the very second 100% he was dead

Ashley: as soon as it was over we decided to record a podcast

Ashley: but we were not allowed to release it

Ashley: and sara has deleted it

Ashley: sorry guys

Ashley: she failed you

Sara: i don't remember anything from the second half of watching that episode though

Sara: i also don't remember what we talked about on the podcast

Sara: it was SUPER drunken

Ashley: well we were so drunk

Sara: ya and i checked whatsapp

Sara: and it was in a full scale panic

Sara: and i just went to bed

Ashley: you went to bed pretty much right after the finale and i went into the bedroom to check in with everybody

Sara: i was like peace out homies

Ashley: and everybody was sad so i was like “i’m not doing this"

Ashley: sigh

Ashley: okay sara went to sleep

Ashley: and ashley, for once, did not.

Sara: at like 10 so right after the drunk podcast was finished

Ashley: i went and committed a crime

Ashley: the end.

Sara: that's a great teaser

Sara: COME ON you love to tell this story

Sara: it's really funny

Ashley: dude i don’t know if i’m allowed to publicly tell it though

Ashley: i almost broke up a relationship

Sara: use code words

Sara: or euphemisms

Ashley: okay so after the episode i really wanted to talk about ANYTHING other than homeland

Sara: [typing]

Ashley: dude stop it i’m telling it

Sara: i was typing to jordan not you

Ashley: HI JORDAN

Ashley: anyway i couldn’t really handle the whatsapp chat because everybody was sad

Ashley: and i was in denial. nothing has changed.

Ashley: sara just interrupted me to verbally spoil me about the homeland finale

Ashley: “I DIDN’T SPOIL YOU, FUCKING SHOWTIME TWITTER DID” - sara

Ashley: who is not obeying her own rules

Ashley: anyway i have a friend who watches homeland, and in fact got me into homeland, but he is what some might call a “casual viewer"

Ashley: he is usually 1-2 weeks behind

Ashley: that’s not really a problem anymore now that i have ALL YOU GUYS

Ashley: but i decided that i wanted to talk to him. also, he lives in chicago. this is pertinent information.

Ashley: so i tried to call him.

Ashley: no answer.

Ashley: i tried to call him like 50 more times.

Ashley: no answer.

Ashley: i sent a bunch of texts. NO ANSWER.

Ashley: finally i just decided to go over to his house.

Ashley: which was probably a ten minute walk from our airbnb, but i took an uber.

Ashley: and i got there and i rang his buzzer.

Ashley: no answer.

Sara: you also made friends with your uber driver who called YOU like 50 times over the next month

Ashley: i rang his buzzer again. NO ANSWER.

Ashley: i did. drunk ashley is retiring after the episode tonight.

Ashley: at least until season 8.

Sara: what? --me before you sent that last message

Sara: oh ok. --me after you sent that last message

Ashley: there were some people out walking their dogs, so i petted them.

Ashley: and eventually i just followed somebody who lived in the building into the building.

Sara: that's not suspicious at all

Ashley: walked up to his apartment

Ashley: and knocked

Ashley: NO ANSWER

Ashley: knocked a few more times

Ashley: NO ANSWER

Ashley: decided, in my infinite drunkness, to try the doorknob.

Sara: the thing that opens doors

Ashley: just fyi you guys, if you have a friend like me, you might want to lock your doors.

Ashley: because i walked into his pitch-black apartment at like 11:30 at night, because he is a grown adult and he had to get up in the morning.

Ashley: and ultimately walked into his bedroom and was like DUDE.

Sara: HIDE YOUR DOGS

Sara: LOCK YOUR DOORS

Ashley: and he woke up and was like

Ashley: i’m trying to figure out how best to describe his reaction

Ashley: he opened his eyes and was like, “oh, hi.”

Ashley: that’s it that’s all that happened

Sara: if you walked into my apartment in the middle of the night without warning i'd believe first that you were a ghost

Sara: a very lifelike one

Ashley: i spent two hours in his apartment in the middle of the night complaining about how carlos sanchez was going by his original first name, ‘yolmer'

Ashley: and apparently i told him straight up that quinn died

Sara: LOL

Sara: at the yolmer part

Ashley: he complained about some things of his own

ara: what kinds of things did he complain about

Ashley: surprisingly, not about the fact that i showed up at his apartment in the middle of the night.

Ashley: we had lunch a day or two later and i was like “what the fuck is wrong with you and how are we still friends,” and he was like

Sara: good friend

Ashley: “well i went back to sleep afterward and it’s not like you ransacked the place"

Ashley: anyway, this year i do not have anybody’s house to break into

Ashley: because i am already in the only  house i’d be able to break into easily

Sara: our tv has an hdmi cable

Sara: we have TWO DOGS

Ashley: TWO

Sara: one who is basically the dog version of me

Ashley: we are going to snuggle with both of them

Sara: the other who is a giant disaster

Ashley: don’t say what you’re typing

Ashley: oh

Ashley: never mind yes that is accurate

Ashley: i thought you were going to say that the other one reminds you of me

Sara: no

Ashley: but i can at least keep my tongue in my mouth

Sara: i've never met any human who is like the other dog

Sara: she is the happiest, most insane, most ridiculous dog ever

Sara: and we need to tire her out

Sara: before 9pm

Ashley: to be fair, i’ve met some insane and ridiculous humans.

Sara: same

Sara: but she is HAPPY

Sara: "her is a happy dog," as you would say

Ashley: yeah, and her crazy is nothing that can’t be dealt with by throwing a ball around the yard

Ashley: although her feets does get muddy

Ashley: anyway we have wine

Ashley: and only wine

Sara: i have pretzels

Ashley: and baked goods!

Sara: and bagels

Sara: this year, the key to not repeating last year is to eat something

Ashley: i have cookies shaped like unicorns and dogs and a few that are shaped like unicorn dogs

Sara: and also not be near houses you could easily break into

Ashley: didn’t we eat last year??

Sara: no

Sara: that was the problem

Sara: we ate some at the baseball game

Sara: but not for like 8 hours after that

Sara: despite the fact we continued to imbibe

Ashley: so i will blame it on the alcohol

Sara: i was feeling chill about the episode

Sara: until i just saw that time jump tweet

Sara: we should go play with the dogs now

Ashley: do you think you will stay up until 9:30pm

Ashley: or 10:30pm

Ashley: rather

Sara: yes

Ashley: i forgot what time zone we are in

Ashley: i also forgot the finale was on tonight

Sara: that happened

Ashley: what would you do if i was like “i’m gonna go take a nap"

Sara: i would say ok

Sara: go take a nap

Sara: you must be tired from driving literally all over boston and cambridge

Ashley: say what you mean

Ashley: “you must be tired from thinking you knew where you were going"

Ashley: “and then getting lost"

Ashley: “in the place where you live"

Ashley: “multiple times"

Sara: "getting lost all over boston and cambridge even though you have lived here your whole entire life except for a summer when you lived in canada"

Ashley: BULLSHIT i didn’t grow up in boston/cambridge, i grew up in the suburbs

Sara: "turn right then immediately turn left"

Sara: is basically google maps in cambridge

Ashley: also i didn’t tell you that i got a little bit lost on the way to the market after brunch, but i got there without any help.

Sara: HAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Sara: you handled it like a pro

Sara: i had no idea

Sara: i think because we were listening to a v funny recording of you reading fic dramatically

Ashley: to be fair though

Ashley: i didn’t JUST drive around cambridge and boston all day

Ashley: i ALSO went to CrossFit

Ashley: omg yes

Sara: this is so long we should wrap up

Ashley: and that’s when i forgot the finale was tonight

Ashley: because i attempted to schedule a personal training session for tomorrow morning

Sara: ok on my Things Carrie Wore This Week posts i always end with "IN CONCLUSION: _____"

Sara: so how would you CONCLUDE this conversation

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION what did YOU do this morning that was so strenuous

Sara: IN CONCLUSION NOTHING BUT I AM ALSO NOT ABOUT TO GO TAKE A NAP

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION I’m not either but I also wasn’t going to, I just wanted to know how you’d respond.

Sara: IN CONCLUSION: single-use TV, breaking and entering, DOGS, ashley take a nap what else is new

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION: why is almost all of that ashley stuff

Sara: single-use TV is mine

Sara: and DOGS is both

Ashley: IN CONCLUSION no charges were pressed

Ashley: Enjoy the show

Ashley: THE END

Sara: IN CONCLUSION

Sara: the goddamn

Sara: worst

Sara: $132

Sara: i ever spent

Sara: THE END

Sara: .

Sara: go take a nap

Ashley: I’m not tired I was just wondering

Ashley: GOODBYE EVERYBODY

Ashley: WE ARE GOING TO TALK IN OUR VOICES NOW

Sara: auf wiedersehen!