#i went to the doctor this one time to talk about my digestive issues and it went badly because i was 19 so he straight up didn’t believe

[fingertipsmp3]

I am once again thinking about how I have empirical proof that my blood pressure goes through the roof when I’m pissed off. It doesn’t bode well.

[red-riding-wood]

PSA - Community Predator

Over a series of months, myself and other Tumblr users -- fic writers, gif makers, fans of created content -- have been victimised by @mrkdvidal1989, who has extensively lied about who he is, preyed on multiple women and denied involvement -- therefore ruining friendships, reputations and feelings, and promised me life-saving medical treatment that he never followed through on.

More information including mine and their stories under the cut.

The reason I am going public with this is twofold:

A) To protect others from being hurt. He is known to reach out to many tumblr users, especially young women in the Cillian Murphy fandom -- but he may have a wider reach beyond this circle. B) Since his "disappearance" three weeks ago and the unravelling of his lies, this man has ruined my life and the only hope I had of obtaining treatment for a condition that has been plaguing me for four years.

Killian Vidal is the name he has chosen to give us, and has claimed to be both a officer commander and general in the mobility troop in the SAS (the general rank does not even exist), has beaten cancer a while ago (but said to another mutual that his "time was running out" and he is currently struggling with it), and a plethora of other life experiences and general knowledge about him that varies in consistency when talking to different people and is questionable in its validity. He has also shared pictures of "himself" that when reverse image searched, belong to different people.

I got to know Kill when he reblogged one of my fanfics (as the story seems to start with a lot of his victims) and he reached out via DMs. We quickly became close friends who called nearly every day on Discord and when I told him about my health issues, he immediately offered to pay for my medical treatment wherever I could find willing doctors.

I was hesitant to believe this at first since all of this seemed too good to be true (and was). He claimed to be very wealthy, enough to afford private jets like it was nothing and to rent me an apartment in the UK in the same building as him. Over time, I grew to trust him because he felt like such a genuine person and friend, which was made all the more believable by the fact that he has such a huge following on Tumblr and was, at the time, part of a vast social network of fans and friends (one of which he even claimed to know IRL -- who will remain anonymous unless they decide to speak out). I decided to ignore the little red flags because I was so desperate to receive this treatment that for me would be life-saving.

For four years, I have been plagued by an array of (mostly) undiagnosed digestive issues that have made my life almost unbearable and have on numerous occasions nearly killed me due to malnutrition. I've spent months in hospital, endured years of malpractice and misdiagnoses, undergone heart surgery, and have tried absolutely everything I can to get better. In the winter of 2023, I was told by my doctor that I was refused in the TPN program (a treatment that may have slowed or stopped my weight loss) and that with or without it, I was looking at mortality. Refusing to stop fighting but having exhausted the public health care system in Canada, I went into 2024 not really having much hope of anything anymore.

So, when Kill came along, that changed. He promised -- and I mean, from the bottom of his heart, promised -- that he would help me get treatment, that he would get me out of my abusive home and fly me to the UK, that he would be there for me as my friend, etc. I was beyond grateful, and as my trust with him built, so did my hope.

The travel plans kept getting put off; originally, he would fly me out as soon as the apartment became available, which was the 11th of Feb, 2024. He kept finding excuses to not book the jet. Finally, it seemed as if around the 15th/16th I would be flying. My health had been declining rapidly and the situation was becoming all the more urgent, and he said he was in contact with a pilot and would send the ticket soon and call me.

That was the last I heard from him. The 16th.

Initially thinking he had ended his life (he had discussed thoughts of suicide with me prior to this), I was beside myself with worry not only thinking one of my closest friends was gone but also that my chance at life was. I reached out to his other friends, and I made several calls to the UK authorities and emergency services and ended up requesting a welfare check be made to see if he was even alive.

They reported that no one under the name Killian Vidal was in the records of the building name he gave me -- the same building that I was meant to live in within that week.

After reaching out to my now beloved friend @kittenonpluto (A.K.A., Cas) on Tumblr, I learned that Kill was in fact alive, and had told her that he was in hospital for digestive issues in Indianopolis, United States (though again, no record of his name in their medical system). He still wouldn't talk to me, but told her to tell me that he would reach out when he was out of hospital.

Cas and I compared information he'd told us (her story will be attached to this post) and looked into the mystery more. He constantly dodged confrontation and questions about the fake photos and information he'd sent her, and seemed to use his completely fabricated hospitalisation as an excuse to not fulfil his promises to myself and her, as well as a means to garner sympathy.

It was quite obvious that he didn't know how the American medical system worked, and he even incorporated elements of my actual story and used them in his. When asked about his treatments, he responded with medically false information. He reported digestive issues, reflux, and having both an NG tube and TPN -- both of which I have experience with -- and let me say, I am beyond disgusted and infuriated that my real life trauma was used as a ploy in all this.

How do we know for a fact this is false? I checked the police case for his welfare check again, and they said that they confirmed him being in the UK at the same time he had told Cas he was in hospital in the States.

After a final confrontation from both Cas and myself (and a desperate final plea for the medical aid he promised me), he was never heard from again from either of us or our friend circles.

I'm now having to pick up the pieces he's left me in and to be honest, I have little to no idea of what the hell to do or how to save myself. The fact that he strung me along for a month and built up my hope that I was going to live only to abandon me without even a word is deplorable to me.

And mine isn't the only story. I've heard from four women on Tumblr (who, again, will remain anonymous unless they choose to speak out) who he has been romantic or sexually involved with (and lied about his involvement, made them out to seem insane or toxic, created rifts in our friendships, toyed with their emotions, and made false promises to of relationships, marriage, and finances).

And that's not including the ex-wife who came back to Tumblr to claim that her and Kill had never met nor married. She was promptly silenced by a "lawyer threat" that we have strong reason to believe was a bluff.

At the end of the day, there are so many lies, half-truths, inconsistencies, etc. this man has wrapped himself in and we don't know for the life of us what his motives are, but from the information that we do know is false, he isn't genuine. He toys with people. He hurts them. Myself and the others that have been affected by this want that to stop.

And at any point, he has the ability to make a new account, and take on a new persona, pretend to be someone else. Tumblr is a wonderful place and I have met so many cool people on here, but please be careful about who you interact with and what you share, because aside from making this post, it is beyond my power to stop him from doing what he does. But after what he did to me, I could not remain silent.

Other Stories

If you have an experience or story with Killian that you would like heard, please reblog it on this thread or make a post. With your consent, I can include a link to it below.

kittenonpluto's story

aurorag98's story

everyoneisawhore's story

your-nanas-house's story

hllywdwhre's story

Final Note

Lastly, if you have read this far, thank you.

If you want to reach out to me about this issue -- whether it's to anonymously share your experience, ask questions, ask for evidence (of which I can back up these statements with), or anything at all --, please do not hesitate to do so. <3

For those who may be worried about the potential legality of this post, everything that I have stated as fact is fact and it is not my intention to slander or spread false information.

[allieswithbenefits]

do you have any headcanons you want to share about disabled melliot characters? (I saw your ask on the confessions blog)

YES I DO ty for asking

okay most of these i'm not specifically attached to and i update them / change my mind a lot but here's what i've got right now:

VINCENT: he uses a wheelchair and forearm crutches! (they're just like me fr.) he has spikes on his wheelchair and dumb fucking stickers on their crutches (like yknow "graphic design is my passion" and "boypussy saves lives" [i have both those stickers so]). i think he has an ongoing project where they go to thrift stores searching for one of those canes with a sword inside even though they probs wouldn't make it very far walking around with a cane especially a heavy one. it's for the vibes >:) also vincent is allergic to cats and this does not stop him from loving cats (and i don't mean only from a distance)

MADDOX: they have chronic pain in their legs that started when they spent all that time in jail. they were kind of like "eh nbd it'll get better" but when it didn't maya convinced them to get a cane for bad pain days. it was plain dark brown wood but then maya and maddox went to town on it with glitter nail polish and now it's colorful and a good sensory to rub when they get overstimulated

AMBROSE: he has scoliosis. he is mad about it. i would be interested in seeing someone talk about ambrose in the beginning stages of a slowly progressing neuromuscular disease like limb-girdle md, i just don't think i'm the right guy to really take that as far as it could go (my doctor suspected i might have md for a while but turns out i do not)

MAYA: transgenderism. i'm just kidding i hc maya as having digestive issues, maybe a feeding tube? ptsd. i have more maya hcs but i can't remember right now

QUINCY: ocd for sure (hot take i know /j). i've seen some people (including you i think?) talk about quincy with bpd and i can see that yeah. also i think quincy has periods of fnd paralysis that get worse with stress and this obviously would never work this way at ardess but in my hc they fight really hard to get accommodations for that so he can keep good grades even though sometimes he can't get to class. also this is one of the reasons they dropped out of school after vincent died -- the paralysis was happening so often because of how traumatic everything was and vincent isn't there to take care of them anymore :(

i have more and i will def post them because it seems that some folks may be interested but that's what i've got for now! tysm for asking :3

[thru-the-looking-glass-caroline]

Hyperthyroidism part 1 of 2- what it is, symptoms, and diagnosis story

I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism at the age of 15. Hyperthyroidism AKA over active thyroid is a condition where your thyroid produces too much thyroxine hormone. It is a manageable condition with medication which I take daily and I have regular appointments with my endocrinologist for this condition...left untreated or not regularly managed under the care of a doctor hyperthyroidism can cause very serious issues that can be fatal...the major ones include heart attack, stroke, and thyroid storm but let's talk about what happened leading up to the diagnosis...

When I was 15 I was in a residential treatment facility for Orthorexia and anorexia nervosa. It was difficult at first for me to actually get diagnosed because many of the symptoms I was experiencing mimicked symptoms of someone who has anorexia and Orthorexia & is either actively engaged in the unhealthy behaviors of these eating disorders or is going through the re-feeding process[which I was in that time]. The symptoms I was experiencing were rapid weight loss and extremely fast metabolism despite what I ate, over heating easily and often, high levels of anxiety, fidgety, antsy, need to be doing something constantly, irritable- lower than average tolerance to frustration/inconveniance/ annoyance ,hair loss, trembling in hands and fingers, fatigue, insomnia, my skin was always damp and clammy to the touch, I had issues with digestion...everything I ate went right through me very quickly so I was in the bathroom a lot, I was experiencing irregular heart beat [heart murmur], my stomach hurt pretty much constantly and I was forever bloated . So if you are reading this & you are not familiar with eating disorders and the effects of them and the effects of early recovery and re-feeding let me just tell you that almost every one of those symptoms could be attributed to eating disorders and re-feeding. All the professionals at the residential I was at understandably took my symptoms and complaints as part of my eating disorders, malnourishment and being early in to re-feeding. The problem was the symptoms continued, even got worse as time went on and I was losing more and more weight. I actually ended up being accused multiple times by the staff , my therapist, nutritionist and psychiatrist at the residential of secretly exercising while in treatment, purging, hiding food...doing something I was NOT supposed to be doing to cause my weight loss to continue....I was becoming thinner and sicker being treated for my eating disorders and it was absolute hell because ironically I was not engaging in any of the things I was being accused of but the treatment center still treated me as if I was...I was given a feeding tube, put on one to one observation with a staff member 24/7 which meant I had to be with a staff member no matter what...a staff had to watch me while I slept, while I ate, showered, used the bathroom, sat in group, walked down the hall etc. It went even further to where I was put on wheelchair restriction so I was not allowed to walk anymore to keep me from losing weight . None of that helped and I got worse - my blood work showed that my kidneys were not functioning properly, ekgs showed my heart murmur was getting worse- I was very weak, my neck and eyes looked puffy and swollen, my stomach pain increased and I was nauseous most of the time. The residential sent me to the hospital at this point and after 4 days in the hospital I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and put on medication. I spent 6 days total in the hospital and then went back to the residential treatment center. I have no underlying condition or disease that caused my hyperthyroidism and it is not something that is brought on by eating disorders...it is just something I developed. According to my doctors my hyperthyroidism is pretty severe which presents more risk of other complications mostly with my heart, my eyes, my bone density, and reproductive organs. It is a little worrisome because I already have heart problems and have already had a heart surgery. I already have the sort of precursor to osteoporosis known as osteopenia and my reproductive organs have long ago bit the dust [I am completely infertile/sterile] due to struggling with eating disorders from age 7 - age 15. On medications for my hyperthyroidism- my symptoms are less & much more manageable however there are things I have to avoid but that will be covered in part 2

[secretgamergirl]

The Illusion of a Functioning Society

I don’t know if this is one of those things that’s true for everyone, I’m just in a particularly miserable situation personally, or this is one of the many cases where trans women act as the canary in the coalmine for everyone else, but I’m increasingly getting the vibe that somewhere around when America decided its response to a global pandemic that’s killed... can I look this up? Close to 7 million people so far was formally going to be to just kinda... pretend it isn’t happening and everyone agrees to just not bring up how many people they’ve lost and pretend there’s some other reason service jobs are suddenly understaffed... that kind of got away from me, but yeah, since around there, I’ve had the vibe that people, broadly, no longer really seem to care at all about the general concept of a social contract.

Let’s start with the most obvious example. As the pandemic was first really gearing up, I had a couple noteworthy medical concerns. Incredible tooth pain, and some pretty damn horrible constipation issues (we’re talking like, making a dropoff only once a month). Couldn’t see my regular dentist because she was out of the office hoping Covid would blow over, so I got a referral to someone else, who said it was a problem they weren’t specialized in, and bounced me to someone else, who said and did the same, then the fourth dentist I was bounced to who was like a two hour drive away started looking at my teeth, glanced at the form I’d filled out of what medications I was on, got confused by something, and asked why I was taking all these things. I replied that I was trans, she looked at me like I’d just sprouted bat wings, said my teeth were fine and I should leave, and shouting a very loud parting “thank you SIR!” on my way out the door. The actual pain went away after I was on antibiotics for a bit, my gums de-swelled, and what looked like part of the plastic bags they put on the clamps and such when you’re getting certain other kinds of dental work done worked its way out from like under my tooth so, all well and good there, but... the system failed pretty hard on all that? Still haven’t seen my actual dentist in what like 4 years now, who apart from leaving some plastic junk sitting around the one time apparently is just the best.

Meanwhile with the other issue, I talked to my doctor who was about to quit from Covid stress, he sent me a specialist who was completely checked out, who lined up a colonoscopy. That... failed to provide meaningful results, because before you get one you have to completely empty out your whole digestive system with this medical drain cleaner, and that part didn’t work because, again, being super blocked up was the whole point. So as I’m coming out from anaesthesia I’m told “it was a bad prep” and I’m trying to ask if I’m supposed to rebook things or what. I just get sent home, have the follow-up with the specialist, and he... leaves his job while I’m waiting in the office. Like, he just full on quit then and there. The doctor who referred me to him is gone too. And the whole practice I was seeing these people at has had no in-person office hours for... well, years now. I don’t know if I actually technically have a GP right now? Pretty sure no.

Anyway that issue went away shortly after I took a hardline stance on a relative who very very incorrectly believed I needed to be eating bananas regularly after reading some quackery or other... but you know what didn’t was uh.... fairly regular fairly large amounts of blood loss when going to the bathroom. Which uh... seems bad. Seems really bad as a recurring thing for several years. I should definitely see a doctor about that, maybe try the whole probe thing again if... I can actually get an appointment with anyone.

This is of course on top of a bunch of Trans Stuff I desperately need done if I want anything approaching a normal life. That’s all on hold because my health plan absolutely 100% covers all of it, but there are no actual providers for any of these things in network. It’s a problem.

Meanwhile hey, my internet is garbage? I have a modest 240 mbps down/20 mbps up DSL modem, with no extra bundled services like phone or TV, and with frequent hours long outages, for which I am paying... $140 a month. That’s not even a little bit what I’m supposed to be paying, or getting, and when I call them about it they can’t even be bothered to provide plausible lies. I’ve been told I’ve missed payments (it’s a fully automated system and I’ve never not been charged), that I’m paying a $100 monthly rental fee on this $20 modem I own outright, etc.

The sensible thing to do would be to immediately cut all ties with them, but... I need some alternate ISP to switch to, and when I go looking for one, I just get phone trees and clueless call center employees who all seem to very much be in agreement that my address does not actually exist and is not covered by anyone’s services. Also fiber internet is apparently a fanciful delusion I have made up. So this apparent monopoly just gets to... take as much money as they want out of my bank account, and I can’t do a thing about it.

Meanwhile I spent literally the entire month of December dealing with losing my SNAP benefits. That’s the thing you get when you’re poor where you get a little card with a small balance every month you can use to buy some of your groceries, but not all, because there’s a strong political lobby that keeps calling for weird restrictions on arbitrary things poor people aren’t allowed to eat. Anyway I kinda need that, because... rent’s really high here, my ISP is charging me through the nose, and my only source of reliable income is my patreon. Which has been dropping off steadily since Twitter’s new management firing basically everyone means there’s nobody to deflag the malicious automated report-volume auto-suspension on my account and let me log back in.

So I need food to live. Early in December I get a big envelope in the mail telling me I need to do a phone interview to keep my benefits, and I need to do it by the middle of... November. Uh-oh. So I try calling, I navigate a phone tree, eventually it tells me nobody is available and I need to go to their website. Their website recently underwent an overhaul and required everyone to update to new passwords to log in. Except they didn’t do anything to make sure people could change their passwords to new secure ones while logging in with their old unsecure ones, and by that I mean the whole site is completely bricked. So that was like 2 full days of tech support to get a new password to access a site to tell me to... call the number I’d initially called, which I’ve been trying every day, and getting full on locked out because nobody is in. Winds up being something like December 24th where I just full on don’t sleep the night before so I can call the instant their phone lines open and hopefully get the apparently like one person available as soon as they get in. Other people apparently also did this though, so I am on hold for four hours.

Eventually I get this interview done, and it hits a snag because they ask me what my monthly income is, (roughly $975), and what my rent is ($1100), and they go “wait a minute, these numbers don’t add up. How are you affording your rent?” They didn’t really seem to accept “I’m not” as an answer, and tell me they’re mailing me a new income report I need to fill out by the end of the year. THAT got here literally yesterday (we are a bit into January as I’m writing this), but finally being able to access their website I was able to get a preview and see that they assumed I was operating... some sort of business with warehouses and trucks and such and I needed to document how much those were eating into my profits or something. So I just had to go in and cry in person about how I don’t have any money left at all and how I had nothing left to eat because I’d been cut off for a month and had to explain like three times what Patreon even is and still left with the guy apparently convinced it was some sort of government subsidy program he just wasn’t aware of.

So uh, side note. I haven’t really posted anything anywhere online for the past month or so? This took literally every waking moment of every day to sort out, plus several non-waking moments, plus it’s hard to focus when you aren’t eating. Also when you’re freezing because you can’t afford to keep the heat on in a cold snap.

Meanwhile, you know, I’m really trying to get some non-Patreon money coming in too because I really am unable to cover my rent and all, and I’m hitting fun new problems like the publisher of my last board game not having my current contact info for any royalties I might still be getting, and my only means of reaching them being someone on Twitter which, yeah, that’s out. Someone recently decided to do a new print run on some books I wrote a few years back, but decided he didn’t need to actually contact me to do so, or pay me, and when it was pointed out to him that that isn’t really how publishing worked, he decided to just quietly cut all my stuff out of the reprint. RPG writing completely dried up on me too when Covid started. I’m not in touch with anyone, I’m reading about executives at a big publisher going on tirades about not wanting to work with... a slur for queer people, so, that’s probably not coming back. And apparently the whole industry is having to deal with another major publisher’s lawyers doing something that’s a big ol’ headache everyone else has to deal with now too.

So, you know, it just kinda seems like people aren’t so much for the two-way transfers of things anymore. I’m paying for medical coverage I can’t use. Not getting paid for work. Getting charged through the nose for internet I’m not getting. Hell not too long ago I tried one of those food delivery apps since there was a promo and the driver just... picked up my food and went home to eat it himself, apparently.

Meanwhile on a government level, uh, somehow Teslas are allowed on the road despite being firebombs that fail like every basic safety requirement, and can even test their automated driving modes that even when working properly are programmed to break basically every driving law. And... I mean this is really a whole separate article really but did you know that at this point, like, a handful of companies are just buying every single home anyone puts up for sale to consolidate these horrible rent-monopolies? And this is on top of a whole separate deal where people are pulling a similar weird shady thing where there’s entire cities where like 80% of homes are sketchy AirBnBs now?

And you know, right-wing controlled bits of the U.S. are just actively gearing up for the mass incarceration and murder of trans people, while parts of Canada are setting up programs to straight up euthanize people below a certain income bracket.

These are all pretty significant large-scale social problems and the fact that they’re all being met with this “whatever” attitude kinda means the death of society at large. Plus you know, lots of individual people.

[captawesomesauce]

Thoughts at noon....

My Aunt died today, and it’s a complicated mix of feelings. 

The fact is, I hated her... she was just an awful, awful person. Her kids were not much better, but thats to be expected since their father was insane, abusive, and just as bad.

But they were not a part of my life for the most part, except... when she was. 

Mom would tell me Aunt Sandy was visiting and a noticeable change would happen. Mom would become neurotic, upset at the slightest thing, and just start spiraling into insane amounts of crazy. 

Aunt Sandy came first... always. She wasn’t coming to visit, she was coming to inspect, to criticize, and to be waited on hand and foot. What she said, went. 

Mom would push back a bit, but it was few and far between.

The moment she walked in the door, the criticisms started... the house was never clean enough, even if spotless. Things were in the “wrong place” even though it wasn’t her house and we liked them where they were (example: kitchen tools in different drawers than what Aunt Sandy decried they should be in). She criticized the way mom decorated, the way she laid things out (where the couch was compared to the TV), and the everything she could see and touch. 

It was so bad that one of the first things mom said today was that now she can get rid of all of the stuff she would store until Sandy would come to visit because she hated the stuff. Think about that for a second, mom had boxes and boxes of crap that she hid 90% of the year, but only busted it out because if it wasn’t prominently displayed and the house exactly the way Sandy wanted it, it would lead to a fight. So Mom would literally redo the house just to appease her. 

But it wasn’t limited to just mom, I was always the target of her ire. 

If I went to class from 8am until 3pm, and then had to work from 6pm until 6am, the fact that I was sleeping from 3 to 6 was IMPROPER! And she did everything she could to sabotage my sleep because it wasn’t normal sleep hours and I shouldn’t impose my schedule on them!

One of the biggest memories I have of her is the Texas fiasco. I drank bad water and ended up with complete digestive failure. It was so bad I had a special plane fly me back to California with ICU nurses and a doctor on board keeping me going. I had tubes EVERYwhere!!! I got back to LA and they thought it'd be lucky if I ever ate, drank, or pooped normally again. They were talking about putting in permanent feeding tubes and everything. It ... was.. BAD.

So they called my mom.... but you see, Aunt Sandy was visiting and she brow beat my mother into not coming to see me or even answering their calls or mine after the first one. I could hear her in the background of the first call tell mom "He's an adult, he shouldn't have to have his mommmy every time he has the sniffles!!!!" I wasn't even 19 yet, and this was after both of them had been told the severity of the issue. 

Do you think mom pushed back because her only son was very very ill and in the ICU? 

Nope... she just said "Get better" and then hung up. 

So yeah, it's complicated..... mom and her were close, but it was an abusive, toxic closeness. 

Mom is kind of stunned, but more because "Aunt Sandy was the healthy one" ... which is comparative since mom has 5 different cancers and Sandy only had diabetes and a handful of other things. 

We both said "I guess this means no more netflix" ... because that was the only good memory we have of Sandy... she let us use her netflix. 

Oh well.

[brigittas-writing-nook]

Allergies in Pets

"Allergies in Pets" Disclaimer: None of the information provided in these posts should be taken as medical advice. Please consult with your doctor before trying recommendations or if you have concern Some posts may contain affiliate or third-party links. About 15-20 years ago, my sister had two dogs, Akila and Sasha. Sasha, a malamute, was older than Aki, a shiba inu/American eskimo mix, and was therefore the instigator in most of their shenanigans, especially around food. One day, Sasha helped Aki get a hold of a couple of pieces of ham (or pork chop, my memory is fuzzy on this), and they each proceeded to chow down. Then Aki’s came right back up. And that was the day we discovered that dogs (and other animals) can be allergic and intolerant of certain foods. Did you know your pets can have food allergies and sensitivities? Yeah, it was a surprise to us, too. Let’s dive into today’s topic: Pets and their allergies. 10% OFF at RawPawsPetFood.com! use code: RawTake10

What’s the difference between an allergy and a sensitivity?

Time is the difference. Intolerances and sensitivities take longer to present themselves, while allergies usually show up within a few hours to a couple of days. Also, sensitivities aren’t connected to the immune system, while allergies are.

Common allergic reactions

When dogs or cats have food allergies, their immune system is reacting like human’s do (I went into that in detail in an earlier post). The immune system thinks certain foods are an invading disease (even though they aren’t) and attacks them, causing a histamine response. And, while pets can have anaphylaxis as a response, here are more common reactions.

Allergic dermatitis

That’s a fancy term (and by “fancy” I really mean “medical”) for itchy skin. It can happen everywhere on the body. For cats, it’s more common to see it on the head or neck. On dogs, however, allergic dermatitis appears more often on the ears, paws, hind quarters, or stomach.

Hives

You remember those nasty bumps we talked about a few posts back? Yup! Dogs and cats can have them, too. They show up easier on dogs, especially the short-haired variety and can show up within 6-24 hours after eating the allergen. Cats, on the other hand, can take longer to develop hives, and they can be harder to see. If you see your pets scratching the same spot repeatedly, get them checked out. All that scratching can lead to hair loss and potential infection if they break the skin.

Digestive issues

Just like us humans, dogs and cats can experience digestion issue because of an allergy. Symptoms can include gas, vomiting, and diarrhea.

Swollen face

Swelling skin is uncomfortable. If your pet experiences this reaction, you’ll see it most on the lips, eyelids, or ears/ear flaps. Take them to the vet to see what treatment they recommend.

Chronic ear or paw infections

The title pretty much describes itself here. An important note, though, is this: if your pet is experiencing this symptom repeatedly, definitely check to determine whether the issue is a food allergy or a sensitivity.

Common allergens in cats and dogs

Since this is a food allergy post, those allergens are the ones we’re going to cover here. Other factors like fleas and bees can cause some of the above reactions, but we’re not going there today.

Common allergens

- Chicken - Beef - Eggs - Fish (this if more common for cats) - Dairy products (yes, even for cats…especially for cats)

Less common allergens

- Corn - Wheat - Rice - Barley - Oats FREE Meal Plan for Your Budget - $59 Value at RawPawsPetFood.com

What do I do if I suspect an allergy?

Contact your vet and schedule an appointment. If the pet is in distress (vomiting, severe diarrhea, or difficulty breathing), go to an emergency vet and follow up with your regular vet. Your pet’s doctor will probably have you do an elimination diet (there isn’t a scratch test for pets) and try to narrow down the potential culprits. Once they discover the issue, they can set up a treatment plan that may include a diet change and perhaps some medication to ease symptoms. However, keep the emergency vets number in case an emergency occurs. That’s all for today. Have you had a pet with a food allergy or sensitivity? I would love to hear your story. Next time, we’re going to talk about food allergy tips for Independence Day (in the US). Be safe. Eat safe. And savor life! Want to receive posts in your email? Subscribe below. Read the full article

[xtruss]

An Illustration Shows Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden Racing with the Aid of Walkers. Art By Barry Blitt

Barry Blitt’s “The Race For Office”! The Artist Discusses Hernias, Walkers, and the Joys of Old Age.

— By Françoise Mouly | September 25, 2023

Is the U.S.—long thought to be the land of new beginnings—in danger of becoming a sclerotic gerontocracy? “In a declining society, the images of an aging leadership can come to embody a general sense of withering and decay,” David Remnick writes in the Comment for the October 2, 2023, issue. “A civic nightmare becomes the caricaturist’s dream.” For the issue’s cover, the cartoonist Barry Blitt portrays the irony and absurdity of the advanced-age politicians currently vying for our top offices. Blitt, who, at sixty-five, is a qualified member of the past-their-prime cohort, also drew from his own experience. As a fellow old duffer (I’m nearly three years older than he is), I called him for a kvetch fest and was rewarded with talk of borrowed walkers, missing teeth, lost hair, and some new belly buttons.

So, what’s up, as the kids say? Is it the knee today or is it the digestion?

Right. I’m sure the readers would love to know what’s ailing me. The knees are both fine, and the digestion is top-notch, thanks for asking. But I think you’ll be thrilled to hear that I recently had five hernias taken care of in one day. When I went in, they thought it was going to be two or three, but afterward the doc couldn’t wait to tell me he found five of them. As I regained consciousness, he was excitedly showing me a diagram of what he’d done.

[Laughs.] That was a good day for hernias.

Well, yes, a good day for a hernia doctor to add to his war stories. It’s not like it used to be, where they’d have to cut you wide open. They do it laparoscopically—I think they go in through your belly button. In any case, now I’ve got some new, extra belly buttons. [Laughs.] Also, it was supposed to be an outpatient procedure, but they kept me overnight—I was a bit of a mess afterward. (Is this really going to be part of the interview? I’d rather talk about bitcoin.) But anyway, this was all a couple of months ago, I’m feeling much better now.

I’m so glad I asked. You wouldn’t have told me otherwise.

I was honestly telling everybody, because it seemed like some kind of record. But then I met someone a couple of weeks ago, a woman at a dinner party, who wasn’t impressed at all. She told me she’d once had seven done in one day! And she wasn’t even old, though it likely happened to her because she had delivered three children.

So not the cause for yours, obviously. What did you do to deserve so many hernias? Were you lifting art work?

No, not art work, but for a while, I was playing gigs in New York City and carrying my electric piano and an amp around. Like an idiot, I used to schlep them on and off of Metro-North trains and into taxis, because I was nervous about driving into town. So I’m sure that’s where I got a few of them.

I knew it had to be for the sake of art.

This wasn’t art, but, yes, it was for the sake of fun.

So other than hernias . . .

Right, what else? I’ve got a lot less hair than I had at the beginning of the pandemic. If you’re going to lose your hair, you want to do it gradually over time, so people see you every day and they get to take it in stride.

[Laughs.] But how would anyone know, since you’re always wearing a hat?

Beware of the times you can’t wear a hat—that’s my motto. But everything else is sort of all right. I mean, I’m missing some teeth, too. [Laughs.] I am missing five teeth. Or maybe it’s six. I’ll do a count after we talk. Only one is conspicuous, in the front. I’ve got to do something about that one.

Why are you losing so many teeth? You just wake up and they fall to the floor?

No, no. I don’t know if you’ve had any root canals, but root canals don’t last forever. Sometimes the shell of the root cracks and gets infected, and they have to pull the tooth. So I’ve had a bunch of those. I have “Montreal teeth.” That’s what they call it. We didn’t have fluoride in our water until much later than most places.

Wow!

Although, it doesn’t seem to be affecting any of my friends or my brother or anybody else I know from Montreal—I’ve just got terrible teeth.

[Laughs.] My dentist is nice and always tells me there’s also a genetic component.

Maybe, but my parents have way more teeth than I do. Actually, I remember being quite young and looking at the gaps between my great-grandfather’s teeth. And now I am my own great-grandfather in that way.

[Laughs.] Are there any other ways that you feel like you’re your own great-grandfather?

Well, my mother has a fancy walker, and I take it for a spin when I’m in Montreal. I have walked around the house with it, you know, preparing myself for the inevitable. It’s just a matter of time. But besides the teeth, the hair, the hernias, and probably a couple of other things, I’m surprisingly fine.

[thegreatimpersonator]

Put this down as the fastest this government has agreed on anything. It only took a day, and they agreed to change the laws to get off easy despite cancer patients dying from the shit they've been pulling. It's basically a two party system but both parties are two sides of the same coin, so they gotta protect each other at the expense of the rest of the country and its citizens.

Anyway, I'm so so so sick of this and all the other updates I've shared with you so I'm just gonna say it, this is MK. In a European shithole that's been trying to join the EU for like two decades now. Funny, right? The EU has laws and regulations and shit like this will (hopefully?) not fly. I think changing this law might be the last straw, so they can make the last necessary changes to the constitution next year after elections and we can finally join. Hundreds of thousands have been migrating away in the last decade because it's such a shithole. The moment we join, this place will pretty much empty out and honestly, it's what these politicians deserve. Not to have anyone even picking up their shit. Literally. Should hopefully happen in a few more years although at this rate, everyone might leave even before then.

TO THINK I used to dream about working in politics and diplomacy and fixing this country up! And pursuing world fucking peace?! You know what I had back then? The audacity lmao

I grew up and realized I don't wanna ass kiss any one of these rotten walnuts for brains to do anything in life, and I certainly don't want to take part in their various criminal activities (which are mandatory if you do join, and joining is mandatory to get pretty much any job here. Or even open up your own business, because they'll find a way to shut you down if you don't help them out in whatever way they see fit).

Like, can you even grasp that I only have digestive issues with the dairy products here, but I'm perfectly fine whenever I consume any of them outside of the country? I certainly can't, like what's the difference? what are they putting in it here that's making me ill? God knows what's in the rest of the food at this point.

I made a meme a few years ago, we had our own situation of a model on stage saying the country's name in a funny way like that girl did with France. I saved a screenshot of it and captioned it with the name and everything because it was funny. I've now been using it as a reaction pic on a daily basis. Any time anyone tells me anything negative, I'm like, you know what, yes that sucks, but you know what else? That's just how things are here and nothing and no one can change them, and then show them the meme. At least it gets a smile in any shitty situation.

I was wondering why it's this specific event that's triggered me so much and I found out after hearing the news about the law. My husband's been having health issues all year. It took over 30 doctors and exams and god knows what else just to get an official diagnosis. A bunch of devices for exams haven't been working for months, all across the country no less, so you gotta pay out of pocket at a private clinic that has a working one. All this because most of the good doctors have already left. And you also gotta pay out of pocket at those private clinics to talk to doctors now too, because if there are any good ones left, they're working there because it's less stressful and operates better post covid. And pays a bit more, but mostly it functions better. Thank god we've been able to afford it (freelance ftw!) There were three good ones in that process: the one that recommended the last one, an unrelated one that said your issues aren't from this organ, you can be 100% sure of that, and that last one that gave the diagnosis. And we know it's correct because I haven't seen a single complaint about that doctor on any forum. I don't think all the others we went to really even have brains, someone must have finished their schools for them given what they said and recommended. And I know that much with my degree in English. But imagine being so horrible that you literally let patients die so you can make more money?! When most of them are already poor so they resort to selling everything they own just for the chance to spend more time with their loved ones?! And you're already in one of the highest paid fields here?! On top of everything, people can't even speak up or out about it because corruption and politics run so deep they immediately threaten job loss for you and your family too. I wanna set this place on [redacted] and watch the aftermath calmly as they did to a makeshift covid hospital a couple of years ago. And I mean that literally. That's a whole other story where "no one is at fault" because they can play it that way.

God I hope this is the last time I send you one of these. But I already read some superficial reports earlier today of new fucked up issues being uncovered so I guess no dice. I hope someone protects the journalists, if this keeps going on they'll have it worse because evidence shows these politicians aren't above literal murder to get their way.

sorry for clogging up your ask box with all this, and as I always appreciate you for listening <3

you don't have to apologize at all, it is of course infuriating that these things continue to happen all across the world but it is so important that people stay angry about them! And talk about them!!! Health especially is such an important domain to navigate because it puts SO MANY lives at risk I hate that this is happening

[troidatoi]

Day 5 - 9/6/2023

Hello!

I went on a water fast because it was so painful for me to eat and I just didn't want my body to be in pain anymore and I lost 12 pounds. lmao. I cancelled my appointment with my holistic doctor and went to a gastro doctor today and cried before he even came in. He saw that I was crying and immediately asked me what's wrong and gave me tissues. The way I cry over everything should be studied. lol. I guess I was really tired and scared and I have major health anxiety. He was so nice and patient with me. He said he doesn't think I have leaky gut but something else and gave me medication to lessen the symptoms until we can figure out what's wrong. He looked at the test I've taken previously and doesn't think it's accurate so he wants to take it from there. He checked my abdominal area and asked if it hurt when he pushed down on it and I said no and he was like so that's not concerning! That's a good thing. I told him I haven't been eating because I didn't want to deal with the pain and he was like I need you to eat! The holistic doctor was telling me to not eat gluten and all this shit and the gastro was like you can eat whatever you want. lmfao. I like that he was just straight forward and didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do and was even like we can test you for this and that but it's so expensive and I love doctors who are like we don't want you to spend this much. Healthcare in America is so atrocious. But it was nice that he was so reassuring because I want to fix whatever is going on in my digestive system and be able to eat without pain and not bloat so much. I'm spending so much time and money right now for my health and I hope it's worth the investment so I'm not in so much pain in the future. I just want to eat all the goods things again and I know I will. Thank you to the gastro doctor and I hope he can fix me. Wait, I know he will fix me.

I went to UPS after to return something and it took awhile because someone brought a bunch of boxes to ship out so I was there for a minute but I know there's a shortage of UPS workers so I was patient. I went home after and cried again and took a fat ass nap before going to Erewhon to see one of my besties and trade Dodgers' bobbleheads with him because he's moving to Australia for work. I gave him a Cody Bellinger one and he gave me the new Chris Taylor one that they gave out this year. I think it's times like these where life isn't as terrible because as much I spent a lot of my life resisting the urge to end it, I have to remember that so many people love and care about me. I was there for like 3 fucking hours because we were talking and I wanted a tuna sandwich but they ran out so he asked someone from the deli to make it for me and I also got a slice of pizza. I was lowkey scared to eat it cause gluten! I took the pills the doctor gave me and I feel fine right now. It was nice to eat after not eating for 10 days. The upstairs neighbors also gave us pasta. It kind of reminds you that people are nice to you, you know? Food is definitely a love language of mine. I can't wait until I fix my digestive issues and can eat without pain and have my clothes fit again and not have so much bloat and inflammation. I had a field day today with all the food I ate but I don't regret it and I hope my body was okay with it. Things seem to be looking up. I've been in limbo as of late with the job hunt, with the debt and my health issues but I know that one by one, everything's going to work out. Just one of those phases where you're kind of stuck in this gray area but you know at the end of the day it's going to be okay because you're putting in the work to make sure it's going to be okay. Someone is going to hire me this month, I'm going to fix my digestive system this year, I'll pay off all my debt. There's nothing to worry about and this isn't something I necessarily want to stress over because that doesn't help me at all. Manifesting and claiming with so much love and gratitude. <3

[kittyprincessofcats]

A life update

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, but I’ve been really busy since moving is busy, but yeah - here’s a life update from my new flat - and a bit of a rant at Germany’s whole... system

Though first, a question for any Germans reading this: How does one go about getting a Berufsunfähikeitsversicherung despite very likely having depression and wanting to start therapy for it soon? (Or is the answer just “lol, forget it”?)

So yeah, life-update under the cut :)

So, I recently (middle of August, actually) finally moved out of my toxic parents’ house and now I live in Berlin (AKA on the other side of the country, six hours away from my parents by car) - HELL YES (but also “hell no”, because now my sisters can’t just visit whenever they want :( )

(That’s why I haven’t been online much - there was a lot to do in my new flat, lots of things to buy, lots of furniture to assemble, I still have one big box to unpack, you get the idea.)

And while I’ve been feeling great about being away from my parents (and almost to my own surprise, I don’t really miss them?), a lot of things have also been really hard. I’m trying to at least temporarily cut my parents off (I’ve phoned them on their respective birthdays and texted them once to tell them I need distance; I didn’t give them my new address either), so I don’t really have “proper adults” to ask for advice about things, except for colleagues. (And gosh, I’m so grateful to all my friends and colleagues who helped me move and helped me settle in here, I’d have never been able to do this without them!)

The hardest thing is that I really miss my sisters. Like, so much, despite talking to them on the phone and having videocalls regularly. I don’t really have friends or family here, so I’ve been lonely.

And since I moved here, both my mental and physical health have been getting worse (to my own surprise - I will admit that I was doing that whole “idealist” thing where I was imagining my perfect life away from my parents and I was telling myself that as soon as I’m away from them I’ll be happy and all my mental and physical health problems will get better. 🙄 Like, I knew they wouldn’t magically disappear overnight, but I thought they would at least get better, not worse.)

But yeah, pretty much the moment I moved out, my digestion problems became way worse. (Yes, I am seeing a doctor about that now.) And my mental health went on a downward spiral as well to the point where if I previously suspected I had depression, I’m now pretty sure I do - I’m basically feeling “numb” and hopeless and lonely at lot more often (which, like I said, suprised me, because I thought being away from my parents and starting my own life would make it better, not worse).

But yeah, obviously cutting people off isn’t mentally easy either, the separation from my sisters (and the guilt for not being able to take them with me which I can’t quite shake off) has been hard, and now that I’m finally independent, have my own income and my own safe space, it’s like I’m finally allowed to feel all the mental issues I was trying to supress earlier. It’s like I’ve been holding it together for all this time, and now I finally don’t have to anymore and... yeah, I’m just noticing that I’m completely mentally exhausted - which is sad, because this is supposed to be an exciting new beginning, but yeah :/

(And I guess it might also be because finally moving away and cutting most contact, finally doing what I said I’d do if they don’t get over their homophobic, transphobic selves, has made the whole thing feel... real. The fact that I’ve given up on them and on the relationship we used to have, that something’s permanently broken there that can’t be easily fixed anymore, the fact that now we might never go back to how things used to be, that things won’t be the same anymore even if they do change and apologize at some point - that has all started to feel like a reality now and I guess that’s just... tough to face.)

And then there’s of course still a lot of paperwork “adulting” stuff to take care of. Yesterday I had an appointment with my bank consultant who’s helping me set up insurances, and beyond the essential ones (liability and household), she recommended a (long German compound word incoming, lol) “Berufsunfähigkeitsversicherung” (income protection insurance). We talked it over, but when I asked how/if that’d work if I’m planning to start therapy for potential depression soon, her face just fell and she told me that’d be an immediate KO, because as mental health issues are the No1 cause for not being able to work, no insurance company would accept me with that as a preexisting condition.

(I asked if that means I should wait with seeing a therapist until I’ve got the whole insurance thing in the bag, and she was really hesitant to answer that, before telling me that she can’t say “yes” to that, because that’d be like telling me not to get help for mental health stuff if I need it. And yeah, completely fair, but... can we talk about how messed up this system is?? This is why people pretend they’re mentally fine when they’re not.)

And like.. Can we also talk about how freaking messed up it is that this country just doesn’t support young people financially in any way?? Like... I graduated from university right before the pandemic hit. Then I couldn’t get a job for two years because there was a pandemic going on and no one was hiring. I also couldn’t apply for ALG (unemployment benefits) because you can’t get that if you’ve never worked anywhere yet. So I had no options except for staying with my parents (who were homophobic to me and transphobic to my sister) for two pandemic-years with nothing to do (because pandemic), nowhere to go (because pandemic), and no way to get out of there (because young person who’s never worked anywhere yet and has no income). OF FUCKING COURSE that made me depressed, what did anyone seriously expect ?!?!?!

And when I finally got a job I like, found a flat I like and can afford (which I did in only a week while staying here for my company’s summer party; I’m told that’s some sort of record for finding a place to stay in Berlin :D), moved away from my parents and am FINALLY starting my own life on my own two feet, I’m told that in case I ever get seriously sick to the point where I can’t work anymore: 1. the state wouldn’t support me finacially long-term because in order to qualify for that support you need to have worked somewhere for at least 3 years first, and 2. I likely won’t be be able to get insurance for a case like that either because I’m too depressed for that. (Hello?? Being stuck with my parents because I had zero other finacial options is the reason for the depression. I tried to find ways to get out of there, but what’s a young person who’s never worked anywhere to do??? WHAT???)

(But also, I’ve read somewhere on the internet that insurance might still be possible if you’re “only” getting psychological treatment to help cope with traumatic events (so, something that’s considered temporary rather than an ongoing mental health condition), so maybe the whole situation with my parents might qualify as that rather than “proper” depression?? I honestly have no idea.)

So yeah, that’s the life-update and angry rant at how Germany’s system is just leaving young people on their own.

Questions to any Germans who actually read all of this: Habt ihr Erfahrung mit Berufsunfähigkeitsversicherungen? Braucht man sowas unbedingt? (Wäre eigentlich ja schon gut...) Kann man die wirklich gar nicht abschließen, wenn man gerade in Therapie geht? Kann man sich dann vielleicht wenigstens gegen alle “körperlichen” Krankheiten versichern lassen? Fände es jetzt schon blöd, wenn ich mich z.B. nicht für den Fall, dass ich Krebs oder so bekommen sollte versichern kann, nur weil ich gerade etwas depressiv bin. Und würdet ihr mir raten, trotzdem schon mal einen Therapieplatz zu suchen? Oder echt zu warten, bis das mit der Versicherung erledigt ist? (Oder ist das dann, wenn ich direkt danach einen Therapieplatz suche so, als hätte ich die Versicherer angelogen, weil ich es ja eigentlich davor schon wusste?) Hat da vielleicht jemand von euch Erfahrung oder kennt sich aus?

[elaine4queen]

A week I’d set aside for recovery and catching up with myself suddenly fills up. A woman phones me while I’m out with the dog and asks if I want her to bring forward my appointment for Ear, Nose & Throat. I’m not indoors and can’t see my calendar I tell her. She persists and I back down, but she tells me she needs to tell me how to find them. I tell her it’s pointless because I won’t remember. How often do I have to disclose my autism and is there any point in talking to people about ADHD which seems to be even more poorly understood, to the point of being reviled. Though I’ve had my fair share of attitude for my late diagnosed autism, too. Anyway, I don’t tell her. She says she’ll phone me back later. 

Worse than the disruption of a week already planned is the news that the ENT department is in fucking Worthing. I look on the map and it says it’s a half hour drive, which means 40 minutes for me, then the appointment then the drive back. It’s a bit of a bust, and all in busy traffic. Given the choice I drive mid morning with good visibility and low traffic. Also, I don’t like to drive for more than an hour. I don’t want to cause an accident. Committing to this makes me anxious. Also, I know what they’re going to do when I get there. I’ve had it done before, but a long time ago. They’re going to put a camera all the way up my nose. It’ll be painful and disgusting. 

After the top layer of my symphony of pains and problems was mostly dealt with with the migraine preventative the sinus issues became more obvious as something worth mentioning. I’d had the problems for years, but when you have a list every time you go into the doctor’s it’s hard to get to everything and with my inability to figure out what’s important or urgent, or even easy to look at or deal with, I’ve always let this one ride. Anyway now it’s come up. I’ve been on a steroidal inhaler for a while and my breathing at night has improved but there’s one nostril that shuts down regularly still. There must be only one thing worse than having a body and that’s not having one. The tipping point, though, that’s the rub.

Louise’s husband Adrian PM’s me then posts on Facebook that in the past few days she has become a lot less lucid. She wasn’t exactly herself when I visited, and was frustrated that she had to reach for words. The drugs she is on are so hard hitting it’s hard to know what she would be like without them. I’m so glad that I went when I did. I can’t really say why. I tried to work it out on the ride home, but told Adrian last night that I just wanted to. And maybe that’s it. I just wanted to, I did it, and now it’s done and it can’t be done again. I thank him for helping to make it happen. On the open thread he says she is not able to use her phone or computer but if people want to leave comments he’ll read them out. 

Rob says 

Tell Louise this is an excessively dramatic way to avoid buying me lunch.

I imagine Adrian reading the comments to her, and wonder if, through the fog of drugs, she might get a smile from that one. And it makes tears prick in my eyes.

I had a yearning to eat toast and marmalade with another mug of tea. It’s a particular pleasure eating without a dog staring at you, so when she goes off for her walk I head to the kitchen. I know that I won’t have fully digested it by the time I hit the gym later, and will regret the sickening lump in my stomach but I do it anyway.

In proximity to death, or the awareness of a particular death everything else is trivial, and you really feel it. Sometimes the more trivial your fixations the better. Why think about big things when there’s a big thing already? The PDF that was linked to the talks on Dying in the Dharma on Audio Dharma is missing so I message them about it and they send me a link. Reading it comforts me, particularly the funeral verse

All things are impermanent,

They arise and pass away.

Having arisen, they come to an end, 

Their coming to peace is bliss.

Our lives arise and pass away, our fixations arise and pass away, our walks, our lunches, our relationships and our desires for toast and marmalade - everything, everything arises and everything passes away.

[iplaywithstring]

So, I might be "in remission" with my ME/CFS.

it's in quotes because I don't actually know the criteria and I haven't talked to my doctor about it.

I had remission before - right after I was diagnosed in 2010, I started feeling better. Better as in I had been sleeping/resting/not active for about 18 hrs a day and then over the period of about two weeks I felt better and told my doctor my symptoms were gone. I was warned it could come back at any time, but I didn't listen. I did more and more and within a year I had taken up power lifting (2011). Shortly after that (fall 2012) I got a part time job. Within a few months (summer 2013) symptoms came back, I had to quit my job, and things got progressively worse.

There have been times since 2013 that I have been housebound. There have been times when I had about 4-6 "active" hours a day (where "active" meant anything from being on my feet to just being upright). After starting treatment for endometriosis I went through the diagnostic process a second time with the same results in 2017. I was prescribed stimulants to take as-needed on days when I needed to function in 2018.

Since 2019, I have been getting better at pacing - understanding my limits, not pushing myself, and actually resting. Early 2020, my husband went to Europe for 5 weeks, and I managed to take care of myself and my kids and the house without crashing (and did volunteer work!). When things shut down, I was able to sleep, rest, and be active according to how I felt instead of basing my activity on outside pressures. I really learned what pacing was and where my limits were.

in the fall of 2021 I went back to school - two days a week on site and two days a week online classes from home. Aside from a few bad days and not really leaving the house on the weekends, I managed without crashing. I started my full time on the job training three weeks ago (although full disclosure - I haven't actually worked full time - I've been sent home early at least once a week (because not all clients are comfortable having a student sit in on meetings) so it's not quite full time, but a lot more activity than I have been doing).

I'm waiting for the crash, but it hasn't happened. My husband reminds me that I'm not doing anything in the evenings - couch lump most of the time - but I am still doing a lot. Twice this week I was close to 10k steps, and I wake up the next day expecting to feel awful and I.....don't. My mind is working, my muscles and joints are....well, ok, they're sore, but OTC meds are taking care of it. My digestive system is working (this is a big deal!). I haven't had insomnia or other sleep difficulties. I haven't had random nausea or dizzyness or inability to function.

A friend of mine has reminded me that I'm likely riding on a lot of adrenaline, and she's not wrong, but I would expect the weekends to be bad if that was what was keeping me going. Instead, I'm...fine? Like today is Saturday and I woke up on my own around 8 and instead of napping in the afternoon I went for a 3k walk (slowly, on flat ground) - this is after doing some cleaning. And then I spent the rest of the day mostly sitting/reclining and feeling pretty tired. But just tired, not ill, not sensitive to sound, not having temperature regulation problems, just sitting on the couch relaxing (ok, under a blanket, but still, no chills or blue lips).

So now I'm wondering if I've actually just been faking for the past 10 years or if I was actually just lazy and wasting my life, or if I'm going to wake up one day and just be a mess. This is really happy and exciting news, but I feel really......insecure? about the whole thing. Last time I had a remission I went to therapy because it brought up a ton of things I had to work through - identity issues, who I am, what I want, etc. - and in the end it was positive but it was definitely a crisis point.

I want to believe that I am just understanding my limits and somehow not going past my ability, but it's really hard not to bounce back and forth between "oh no when am I going to crash" and "obviously I'm a fraud". It's been a trip, folks.

[svnflowervol666]

Ma Petite Chérie: Babymoon (Harry Styles x fem!Reader)

Read more from this little universe, Ma Petite Chérie, in my masterlist!

Summary: Harry and Y/N go on their babymoon.

Warnings: pregnancy, smut, fluff

Word Count: 6.4k

Author’s Note: Hello! I wrote this in order to cross off a few requests. I promised Harry and Y/N would have a baby of their own, plus I get asks all of the time to write pregnancy sex - specifically awkward, giggly pregnancy sex. I also got one about Harry getting a love boner, so here is my attempt at shoving all of that down your throat at once. Try not to choke :-)  I also just reallllllly love Harry, Y/N, and Tallulah, so I wanted to give them some more love. Also made this one pornstache!Harry, so, there’s that. And one last thing...I know the verb tense is way off in this but I could not be arsed to edit it so plz don’t drag me. I hope everyone enjoys! Take care and TPWK.

“Oh my god,” Y/N huffed as she collapsed on the plush sofa in the living room of the cottage.

“It feels so fucking good out here by the water.”

“Breeze is nice, innit?” Harry replied as he rummaged through the kitchen cabinets to check out how well the place he’d rented for the week was stocked.

“Beats going t’ France at the end of June. Think I’m kinda gettin’ tired of Paris t’ be honest.”

“That is quite possibly the snobbiest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Mr. Styles,” she said with a laugh as she began to flip through the tourist brochures that were left on the coffee table.

Not that they’d be partaking in any of it, no. Their plan was to hole up in the quaint, Scottish cottage that sat right on the coast of the North Sea for the whole week, not even planning on changing out of their pajamas.

It was their babymoon after all - a time of peace and tranquility before the arrival of their first child together.

Harry hummed and he made his way from the kitchen to where Y/N was seated on the couch. He stood behind her, knees knocking against the back of the sofa as he crouched down and wrapped his arms around her very large, very swollen belly.

“If I recall correctly, Mrs. Styles, I sat my injured arse in a stiff train seat to Edinburgh for five hours because someone was too scared to fly even though they were cleared to do so by three separate doctors.”

“’M not Mrs. Styles for another year and a half,” Y/N muttered under her breath, albeit not trying to keep Harry from hearing it in the slightest.

Harry snickered into her neck, then playfully nipped her earlobe with his teeth as he whispered.

“Not my fault yeh got knocked up and we had t’ push the wedding.”

“It is very much your fault, Harry,” Y/N swatted at his face, fingers first brushing his jawline that was covered in a rough stubble and then just barely tracing the full-blown mustache that sat like a caterpillar above his bright pink top lip.

Harry smirked down at her, nostrils flaring wide and lips disappearing inside of his mouth.

“How’s your rib?” Y/N asked suddenly.

“Good. Why?” Harry’s brows quickly furrowed together in confusion as to why she was asking about his injury.

“Might have to ride that later if you’ve got the lungs for it,” she tapped her index and middle fingers along her philtrum, right where Harry’s mustache sat on his own face.

Her blunt lewdness had Harry’s cock immediately growing stiff in his pants. It had been a while. His injury coupled with her being in the last trimester of her pregnancy had left them both feeling unsatisfied for the past several weeks. Maybe this babymoon would prove to be relaxing not only because Harry and Y/N get to spend a week without a rambunctious almost six-year-old screaming at all hours of the day, but for other reasons too.

“Think I’d actually drop dead from happiness if yeh sat on m’ face right now, lovie. But, before yeh get too comfortable with that idea, we need t’ head into town. Kitchen’s only got the necessities, and I doubt yeh want t’ eat homemade bread for a week.”

“I’m sure you’d love to eat homemade bread for a week,” Y/N jested, poking fun at Harry’s latest obsession with the carb-filled food.

“Remind me again why I put up with you?” Harry toyed as he extended his arms out towards Y/N to use as leverage to help her hoist herself up from the couch.

When she regains her balance, she lifts herself up just slightly to press a quick kiss to Harry’s lips that he happily accepts. Y/N hums and jokingly checks the imaginary watch that sits on her wrist.

“How much time do you have? That list is pretty long.”

//

The trip to one of the only supermarkets in the small part of Edinburgh that they were staying in had proved to be rather tiring, because Harry opted to use store-bought pasta instead of making his own - something he never does. Maybe it was his healing rib causing him to be short-winded, but he simply could not bring himself to hand-make the pasta they chose to have for dinner that night. He bitched about it all night, about how it wasn’t as chewy as it should be and how it would have tasted much better if he would have just made it himself, but it still didn’t deter him from helping himself to a second serving.

He claimed it was because while he did use pre-cooked pasta, he didn’t use sauce from a jar and made his own from fresh tomatoes and that was the appeal. Y/N just thinks Harry likes to complain and listen to himself talk.

After dinner, just as the sun was setting and Harry and Y/N were waiting for their pasta to digest before they dove into the box of fresh pastries from a bakery they found along the way, they decided to take a walk around the property. The renovated, stone cottage that was overgrown with vines and leaves sat along a short cliffside that overlooked the North Sea. It was a short walk down the cliff that brought them to the beach, where mist from the ocean whisped around their legs and ankles like a thin veil of smoke. While it was the middle of summer, Scotland’s persistent rain showers and their proximity to the water never made it too hot to bear.

“Lulah would love it out here. We’ll have to bring her when the baby’s older.”

“She realIy would,” Harry agreed as he wrapped his sweater further around his chest.

“Know yeh didn’t give birth t’ her, but I swear you two are just alike sometimes. Absolutely hates bein’ hot and gettin’ sweaty just like you.”

Y/N smiled softly and knowingly at Harry before reaching into the pocket of the patchwork sweater of Harry’s that she’d stolen for their stroll on the beach for her phone.

“I’m gonna call her.”

She picked up on the third ring, Y/N’s phone screen then illuminated with a live image of a gap-toothed Tallulah. Well, it’s Mitch’s phone, but she’d been waiting for this promised FaceTime call all day so of course she’s quick to answer.

“Mummy!”

Both Y/N’s and Harry’s heart swelled in their chest when they heard Tallulah speak. It had been several months since she’d decided to start referring to Y/N as her mother, but neither of them had grown used to it just yet. Y/N felt a sense of achievement in “earning” the title of being Tallulah’s mum after all of the years she’d spent with her, and Harry felt a sense of resolution. His family was a real family now, and not just a patchwork of awkward relationships and trust issues. Y/N was Tallulah’s mum and she was now seven months pregnant with their own child and they’d be married by the end of next year. He was actually there to see his child grow this time, they weren’t a secret kept from him out of spite. He’d be there for all of it, even the gross and bloody and goopy bits. And he’d never felt more complete.

“Hi, baby,” Y/N beamed from ear to ear.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re walking on the beach,” Y/N answered.

“Want to see it?”

The five-year-old (five and three-quarters if you asked Tallulah herself) nodded quickly, and Y/N then flipped the camera around to show her the view of the water. Y/N pointed out their cottage from where they stood in the sand, turning the camera to Harry briefly as he held up a peace sign so Tallulah could see that her dad was also on the beach with her. She told her all about the train ride there and how Harry almost slipped and broke his face when was carrying his and Y/N’s luggage into the cottage.

Harry listened to his two little loves talk back and forth with the biggest smile on his face as he absent-mindedly scoured the beach for rocks he could skip along the water. He noticed whenever Tallulah said something that Y/N thought was funny, she had to cup her bump with her hand and forearm to keep it from shaking her entire body. She told him she hated laughing now, because it made her look like Santa Claus, but Harry thought she couldn’t look more beautiful.

“That’s so pretty! Can we all go when the baby is here?” Tallulah asked, puckering into a pout as she begged.

“I think that’s a great idea, Lulah. We were just talking about that, weren’t we, Harry?”

Harry perked up from where he had been washing a sandy shell off in the ocean and suddenly appeared in view of the camera and took the phone from Y/N. 

“Hmm?” he asked as he studied Tallulah’s appearance.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Mitch to watch his baby girl while he went away for a week with his other baby girl, it was that him and Sarah voluntarily asked to babysit Tallulah and that’s what made him so apprehensive to accept their offer. There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary about a sleepover at Uncle Mitch and Aunt Sarah’s every now and then, but to want to watch his daughter for an entire week certainly was. Harry felt like Mitch was plotting against him and that he’d come back to Tallulah with bright blue hair and bangs or she’d be sporting the world’s worst potty mouth when she came home, but so far that didn’t seem to be the case. 

She was wearing Harry’s “Dream Boat” shirt that she’d claimed as her own a few years back when Y/N had taught her to wear her father’s clothes when she missed him because the smell would remind her of him (he had to steal it back and sleep in it a few times every now and then to keep his scent on it), and her long, brown hair was damp and neatly braided into two plaits and hanging off her shoulders. That had to have been Sarah’s doing, because Harry knew Mitch could barely put his own hair into a ponytail without creating several lumps and redoing it eighteen times before it looked presentable - meaning he certainly wouldn’t have been able to make a five-year-old sit still long enough to braid her hair perfectly. 

She looked fine, though. Happy, healthy, certainly didn’t have blue hair or bangs and hadn’t said a single naughty thing since she’d been on the phone with Y/N.

“Lulah wants us to come back here after the baby’s born and take her with us,” Y/N beamed.

“I think we can work that out. Sounds quite lovely, actually,” Harry concurred.

“Yeh bein’ good for Mitch and Sarah?”

“Mhmm,” Tallulah nodded.

“We had pizza for dinner.”

“That sounds yummy,” Harry enthused, trying to let his daughter know he had his full attention.

“It was bery good,” she sighed.

There was a long pause before Tallulah blurted out suddenly in the most serious tone, “When are you gonna shave the rest of your mustache? Mitchy was making fun of you today.”

Harry was caught between a gasp and a laugh, which resulted in him choking on his own spit. Y/N turned on her heels in the sand to look at him with wide eyes. 

“You okay?” Y/N mouthed quietly to Harry, completely oblivious to everything that had happened in the last thirty seconds.

Harry nodded, wiping the involuntary tears from his eyes as he coughed himself back to life and regained his composure.

“What exactly did Uncle Mitch say about my mustache?” he prodded.

Tallulah shrugged, subconsciously wiggling her loose bottom tooth with her tongue.

“Don’t ‘member. Just that you look weird with it.”

“Well that’s not a very nice thing t’ say, is it?”

“Mummy said you look weird, too,” Tallulah spouted without hesitation.

Her comment left Y/N’s mouth agape, covering her smile with her palm as Harry’s raised eyebrows feigned offense in her direction.

“She did?” Harry asked sarcastically, narrowing his eyes at her.

“Yeah,” Tallulah sighed as if it was exhausting having to tell your own father that his facial hair looks off-putting.

“I think you should shave it, too. It’s scratchy when you kiss me goodnight.”

All Harry could offer in return was stunned laughter while Y/N hid her face in Harry’s peck. Her bump pressed lightly into his and even though he was pretending to be mad at her, he wouldn’t dare think about pushing her off of him - not while she was this warm and cozy against his chest. 

“Well, if mummy really hates it I suppose I’ll get rid of it. But,” Harry pauses and pulls Y/N out from where she had burrowed her face into his sweater.

“I think I might know a trick that’ll convince her t’ let me keep i-”

“Enough!” Y/N exclaimed, clamping both of her hands around Harry’s mouth.

Harry chuckled against her palm and poked his tongue through his lips to lick her fingers, which sent her hands flying back down to her leggings so she could wipe them dry.

“I swear to god, Harry. You’re five years old,” she joked with a disgusted expression on her face, to which Tallulah had something to say to that. 

“No, I’m five years old!”

The two adults laughed in unison.

“Alright, Lulah. We’re gonna go inside now. ‘S gettin’ kinda cold out,” Harry said.

“We’ll call you tomorrow before bed. Alright, lovebug?” Y/N added.

“Okay,” Tallulah huffed.

“We love you, Lulah,” Harry spoke softly into the microphone.

“Love you, too...Daddy wait!”

“What is it?” he asked.

“Give the baby kisses for me. And no bikes!”

Harry wanted to laugh, but he also wanted to cry, so he settled on a closed-mouthed smile that was enough to convince Tallulah that he was unbothered by what she said.

“Kisses for the baby and no bikes. Got it,” he nodded.

“Okay, I’m gonna go eat some sweets with Sarah!” the child yelled, suddenly energetic like she had temporarily forgotten that her and Sarah had baked cookies twenty minutes before Y/N called.

“Alright, but it’s almost bed time so not too m-!” was all Harry could answer to before his daughter ended the call and presumably raced to where ever Sarah was in their house. 

“‘S like she doesn’t even miss us,” Harry mumbled as he placed Y/N’s phone in his back pocket and began walking back up to the cottage with his arm wrapped around Y/N’s shoulder. 

Y/N hummed, basking in the warmth that radiated from Harry’s chest as he held her.

“They’re just buttering her up. She’ll be crying to leave by the time we get back.”

“Just don’t really know why they were so keen on keepin’ her t’ be honest.”

Harry positioned himself one step behind her as they walked up the stone steps together, keeping one hand on the small of her back. Y/N peered over her shoulder at him, her tight lips curling up into a smirk as if to say she knew something he didn’t.

“What?” Harry asked.

Y/N shrugged, “Promised I wouldn’t tell.”

Harry clearly didn’t like that answer, because he moved his hand that was supporting her waist and quickly pinched her bum.

“Tell me,” he demanded, eyebrows scrunched together and lips pursed together in what could be considered a childish pout that mimicked Tallulah’s.

Y/N sucked her lips into her mouth, contemplating whether or not she should spill the beans on the news Sarah had shared with her a few weeks prior.

“They’re gonna start trying for a baby soon,” she whispered as if were a long-kept secret told in a room full of nosey people despite the two of them being alone on the otherwise desolate beach.

Harry’s ears perked up, a wide smile adorning his face from ear to ear.

“No fucking way,” he mumbled, and suddenly all of Mitch’s incessant hammering of baby questions he’d sent Harry’s way in the past few months suddenly making a lot of sense.

Harry thought he was trying to be a good friend and stay engaged in Y/N’s pregnancy, but now he understands the real reason behind his behavior.

Y/N nodded deviously as they make their way into the living room of the cottage.

“They’ve been asking everyone they know with kids to let them come over just to see if they can handle it. I mean, if you ask me, I think they’ll do great. Nothing wrong with trying it before buying it, I guess,” she said with a shrug.

“God, he’s gonna be such a good dad,” Harry was practically beaming for his closest friend.

“I know,” Y/N agreed, walking over to Harry to hold both sides of his head in her hands as if he was a disobedient puppy being disciplined.

Her bump prevented her from getting too close to Harry’s chest, the roundest part of her belly nudging Harry’s tummy.

“They’re both very excited. Which is why, when he finally decides to tell you, you have to act surprised. Act like he told you you just won the lottery or something. Alright?”

Harry sarcastically changed his facial expression to mock bewilderment. His eyebrows rose well off into his forehead and his jaw nearly dropped to the floor as he gasped.

“How’s that? Think he’ll buy it?”

Y/N jokingly jabbed him in the shoulder.

“Smartass. I’m going to take a shower. I’m sticky and I smell like the ocean.”

“Guess I gotta keep workin’ on it, then.”

When he’s done cleaning up what was left of their dinner, he heads to the master bedroom with the intention of washing up in the shower after Y/N. He’s messing around with the A/C unit on the window to make sure it’s not set to a temperature that will smother them in their sleep and unpacking their luggage into the wooden dresser, where an antique turntable rests.

Stacked long the side of the record player, there was a handful of old vinyl, most of which Harry either recognized or new very well. He was actually shocked to find a Shuggie Otis album in the collection, to which he quickly slipped the record out of the worn sleeve and set the needle to the edge and waited for the soft sound to fill the room while he worked. 

“That thing works?” Y/N’s voice broke up the old 70s tune as she exited the bathroom with her hair tied up with one of Harry’s scrunchies that she stole out of his toiletry bag, wrapped in only a towel that barely fit around her form.

“I know,” Harry agreed, “Needs a new needle but other than that ‘s in pretty good shape.”

“Leave it to you to find a rental with 70s records in the bedroom,” there was a lighthearted tone in her voice as Y/N poked fun at him.

She padded over to her luggage in the corner of the room for a change of clothes, only to realize Harry had unpacked it all for them. As she’s rummaging through the drawers trying to figure out where Harry had put what, she lets her towel drop to the floor freely.

Harry doesn’t know how must time has passed, but he knows he’s staring. He’s staring at the water droplets that drip from the stray hairs on the nape of her neck and run down her bare back. He’s staring at the swell of her stomach where their baby lies, at the faded, almost-shiny stretch marks on the sides and the newer, darker ones on the underside that had only recently broken through. He’s staring at the bracelet on her wrist, the one that’s braided pink and blue with three beads on it - one ‘H’, one ‘T’ and one heart. Tallulah made it for her at school one day and told her the heart was for the baby and also because she loved her. It was hanging on by its last few threads, threatening to snap as each day passed, but she refused to take it off.

All he does know is that he loves her so much that he thinks none of this is real and that he’ll wake up one day and be in his early twenties again with no direction in life and the insidious feeling that he’ll die alone without ever finding his “person.” It’s when Y/N called out to him and snapped him out of his thoughts that he’s realized his underwear are suddenly feeling incredibly tight.

“Har,” Y/N beckoned him away from whatever had been occupying his brain.

“Hmm?” 

He resituated himself on the bed and crossed his legs in an attempt to hide himself from her.

“I said the hot water in there’s kinda shit, so you’ll probably want to wait a little bit before you get in.”

“‘S alright,” Harry dismisses, “Come ‘ere.”

He draws her towards him with an outstretched hand, navigating her around the bedpost and over to the side where he had been sitting. With the gentlest of touches, he runs his fingers over her bare legs. The coolness of his rings don’t make well with her skin that was still extremely warm from her shower, causing hundreds of tiny goosebumps to erupt around her thighs. Harry raises her shirt, one of his that she stole when her own clothes became too uncomfortable, but even now she’s nearly stretching this one to its limit, and rests it on top of her bump.

She doesn’t question him, doesn’t chastise him. She lets him love on her, lets him press kisses to her skin just above her belly button (making sure to give an extra one from Tallulah per her request) and rest his cheek against her stomach while his other hand feels around on the other side in hopes to feel the baby move or kick or do something to let him know that they’re there. Lucky for Harry, baby knows when their dad is around and is quick to make themselves known, so he takes a second to savor these last few moment he’ll have with his newest bub before they’re earth-side in a little less than two months.

Y/N lets him be because she knows how important this is to Harry. She knows that he never got these moments with Tallulah and that it’s one of the things that plagued him during those nights where he feels lonely despite her being asleep right next to him. He never got to feel her kick in her mum’s tummy and he didn’t get to see her grow from the size of a pea to the size of a melon before she was welcomed by her parents and the rest of her family that had been waiting anxiously for her arrival. 

No, Tallulah was dropped on his doorstep like a wet kitten in the middle of the night. Shivering and crying and just needing someone to hold her and tell her that it was going to be alright because her mother had decided she’d be better off elsewhere. Of course, she was too small to remember, but Harry could never forget it.

So, it’s the least she can do. To let Harry love on her. Love on them.

Her eyes catch his once or twice and she can see the gears in his head turning. There’s something on his mind and he’s hesitant to tell her what it is. Y/N lifts his head by tilting his chin up, her index finger brushing over the healed scar on the underside of his jaw from a few months prior.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” she whispered.

Harry shakes his head, a grin on his lips.

“‘M just really, really happy right now. Happy tha’ I’m here w’ you.”

Y/N smiles back at him genuinely before pulling away from his grasp and gesturing to his lap.

“And I’m happy that I’m here with you. Seems like your little friend is really happy, too.”

A soft groan emits from Harry chest, having realized he’d uncrossed his legs at some point and his very prominent bulge had come into Y/N’s view.

“Sorry, lovie. Didn’t mean t’ make it like tha-”

“I’m just messing with you. You know,” she ponders, “I was half-way kidding when I asked about your lungs earlier. But... This will be the last time we’re kid-free for a while,” she taunted.

“Are yeh asking?” Harry jests and points his thumb towards the bathroom door, “‘Cos I was actually plannin’ on just having a wank in the shower.”

“Oh, okay,” Y/N shrugs and moves his hands off of her waist as she pretends to walk towards the living room.

Before she can take two steps, Harry’s standing up and pulling her back into him for a kiss. It’s full of heat and passion and almost knocks Y/N off of her feet. He cradles her head in his large hands and moves to whisper in her ear.

“Really gonna let me fuck yeh?”

A quiet chuckle escapes her lips, to which she replies, “What else did you think we were gonna do all week?”

He’s unable to bite back his own laugh, and it’s the sweetest sound to ever grace Y/N’s ears.

“Then get on the bed and take yeh clothes off.”

They work quickly, as they’ve conditioned themselves to do over the years of squeezing in any time they can together before they’re interrupted. Y/N lies back on her elbows as she waits for Harry to undo his pants and her breath catches in her throat when his boxers hit the floor. 

His cock is hard, not fully, but the sight of the first few beads of glistening precum causes a shiver to run down her spine. She’s blown him a handful of times since he’s been in recovery, but she’s been far too pregnant and he’s been far too injured lately to engage in any kind of actual fun. It’s safe to say that they’re both more than ready. 

Harry scratches at his scalp, unsure of how to word his questions as he looks her body up and down.

“How do you...erm...how do you wanna-?”

“My stomach, please,” Y/N says with a laugh.

She quickly reaches for one of the pillows behind her and gets on all fours, wedging the object underneath her bump to keep some of the weight off of her back. Slowly, she arches her spine down towards the mattress, and the glimpse Harry catches of her pussy through the light of the setting sun is enough to send another jolt straight to his cock.

Harry wastes no time joining her on the bed, caressing her hips and moving back to massage the plump skin of her ass. He leans down on top of her, flips her hair over to one side, and begins sucking on the sensitive skin between her neck and jaw.

“Gonna let me taste yeh first, right?” he mumbles into her skin.

Y/N hums in response, attempting to rock backwards in order to feel Harry’s cock rub against her backside. She hears Harry laugh, presumably because he’s caught on to her neediness, so it only pushes him further to be the tease he’s notorious for being.

He sponges wet kisses down her back, getting a rise out of every audible breath that leaves Y/N’s throat.

“Relax, baby,” Harry says when he feels her growing tenser as his kisses travel closer to where she needs him the most.

“Gonna get yeh there. Just gotta be patient.”

Harry presses one last kiss on the final notch of her spine before using one of his hands to spread her legs open just a little bit further. When he parts the globes of her ass, his mouth waters. Her pussy is shimmering with her arousal, perfect and on display just for him. 

He tests the waters by running the tip of his tongue from her clit up to her center and he hears a sigh of relief leave Y/N’s lungs at the contact. Next, he’s massaging her folds, exploring her and refamiliarizing himself with the way she tasted. Harry feels her relax into the mattress with each lap of his tongue against her, silently begging him for more. His tentativeness allows him to read her body language and he draws back momentarily to spread her lips apart with his middle and index finger.

The cool air against her core stuns Y/N, but is quickly drowned out with a moan when she feels Harry’s warm saliva drip from her ass down to her clit. His mouth is back on her before she can recover from the sensation, lapping her up and flicking at her clit with his tongue and driving her mad. He’s got his nose buried inside of her as he devours her in the way that he’s really been yearning to for months (he doesn’t count the late night or early morning quickies because he claims he never gets to spend as much time taking care of her as he really wants to). The scruff from his mustache is staunch against her soft folds, but Harry’s tongue is quick to soothe the burn and she loves it.

He smirks against her as she lets out a particularly loud moan when his facial hair brushes against her clit. What was that about shaving my mustache? he thinks to himself but does not dare say aloud.

When he senses that she needs even more, his fingers move from spreading her apart to pressing against her opening. Gathering her wetness on his digits, he slowly pumps them in and out of her. Y/N’s mewls and whimpers are like music to his ears and only spurs him on further. He ruts his hips against the comforter, anything to relieve the throbbing between his legs that is a result of how pliable she’s become for him. She’s soaking the rings on his fingers in the most picture-perfect way and Harry truly genuinely can’t get enough of it; and neither can she. Which is why he’s confused when one of her hands swings around her backside to stop Harry from working her open.

“Har-” she pants.

He withdrawals all contact immediately and peaks his head around to look at her face.

“Yeh good?” he asks as she’s stands up on her knees and turns around to face him.

“‘M great. Wanna be on top now,” she says, her lips plump and swollen from biting down on them so harshly that she nearly drew blood.

“You sure? Yeh don’t want me t’ finish yeh first?”

His eyes dart from her lust-blown eyes to her round belly.

“Mhm. Now lay your pretty ass down before I change my mind.”

She doesn’t have to tell him twice and he’s rolling over on his back, working his way to prop himself up against the headboard. His cock is red and leaking against his stomach, excruciatingly waiting to be buried inside of his girl. He wonders why she’s staring at him with an annoyed expression on her face, but then she speaks up.

“Do you see how pregnant I am? Gonna have to lay all the way down, shit head.”

He does as he’s told and he’s honestly scared that he’ll cum in five seconds if she doesn’t get on with it. 

“I swear to god, if you laugh at me,” she grunts as she straddles his waist, “I’ll cut it off.”

“‘M not gonna lau-”

It’s his turn to moan aloud when she grips onto his cock, running it across her folds to collect as much wetness as she can before she allows him to stretch her out. He’s focusing so much on not losing it right then and there that he doesn’t realize she’s stopped and is waiting for the go-ahead. Through his dark, thick lashes, he nods; as if she would have to ask.

Harry reaches for her hands as she lowers herself onto him, the two of them squeezing a bit too harshly when she reaches the last few inches. The burn consumes Y/N from the inside and out, but it’s never felt so right to either of them. 

She’s not moving just yet, but her cunt is pulsing around him and it feels almost as good as the real thing. They’re staring at each other, both with looks that relay more than words.

“Love you,” Harry’s face softens as he looks up at her.

“Love you, too,” Y/N smiles as she leans down as far as she can in search of a kiss.

He meets her in the middle and their lips find one another and mash together in harmony. The rocking of their hips reminds both of them what they’re actually doing, and causes both of them to gasp at the way Y/N pumped Harry half-way in and out of her. 

When she’s settled back down on the base of his cock, she begins slowly rutting herself back and forth. It takes her just a little bit longer than usual to work up a steady rhythm, but when she’s got it, boy does she got it and it feels so fucking good. The tip of Harry’s cock is pressing against the deepest parts of her and before she knows it, there’s a warm coil winding up in her tummy that bounds itself tighter and tighter inside of her.

She needs to go faster and she needs to go faster now, so she braces her hands on Harry’s chest as she continues to fuck herself on Harry’s cock. Harry lets out a sound that she can’t tell apart between a groan of pleasure and one of pain. His hands dart quickly from where they’d been gripping at her thighs to grip at her wrists.

“Can’t do tha’, lovie. Not the ribs.”

“Shit,” she laughs, subconsciously clenching down on his shaft in the process.

“Sorry.”

“‘S okay,” Harry reassures her as he repositions her hands on his shoulders so she can still have something to grab on to.

“Keep going.” 

Her bump is now cradled against Harry’s stomach and it allows her to find relief in the way that her clit is brushing against the trimmed nest of hair that lies around the base of his thick, throbbing cock. He’s twitching inside of her so much that she can feel it alongside her thrusts as they continue. They both won’t last much longer and they know it. 

“‘M getting close.”

“I know,” Harry pants beneath her.

She switches positions, now with her fingers digging so hard into the meat of Harry’s thighs that her knuckles are changing color. She’s able to lift her hips up and down a bit more from this angle, and it allows Harry’s cock to nudge against her sweet spot.

“Feels so good, H,” she whimpers so quietly that almost Harry couldn’t even hear it.

“‘S that it? Right there?” he mocks as he works at meeting her thrusts with his own.

The best he gets from Y/N is a nod as she focuses the best she can on getting herself there. She’s coating him with her juices with each pump and with one glance down at where they’re joined together nearly shoots Harry over the edge.

“Yeh gonna cum f’ me?” Harry asks as his thumb reaches under her to begin rubbing circles on her clit.

“Gonna give me a good one?”

His movements coupled with his words catalyze the tightness within her, threatening to snap at any moment. She’s definitely sweaty and tired of being on top, but she’s so close now that she wills away the pain in her lower back and thighs.

“Come on, bunny. Give it to me.”

He works with that he can and makes sure he’s slamming into her as deep as he can, speeding up the pace he’s making with her clit in the process. 

She cums with a strangled, “Fuck,” and a shrill cry of his name, and that’s all he needs to meet his end as well. The world is black and quiet for the two of them for just a brief moment, and then they’re both seeing all of the stars in the galaxy.

Her walls are coated with the warm ropes of his seed and spills out of her as she milks him, coaxing all she can out of both hers and Harry’s orgasms. Y/N can feel the last few twitches of Harry’s cock inside of her and her movements slow to a stop. 

His cum is splashed along her inner thighs and around Harry’s shaft, and they’re both struggling to catch their breath. Y/N feels sorry for him for a brief second when she sees him clutching onto the left side of his ribs, but then she remembers the situation that put him there in the first place and great incredible fuck she just gave him and so she decides not to dwell on it too much. 

Serves him right.

She collapses on the bed beside him, the two of them staring idly at the ceiling. It’s nearly dark now, the sun having set long ago and only their silhouettes are visible in the moonlight. Harry reaches over to pet her cheek and press a kiss into her hair as their breathing slowly but surely evens out and they come to.

They’re both too tired and fucked out to have a lucid conversation, so they’ll save that for tomorrow. No. Right now was for cuddles and falling asleep to the sounds of each other’s soft breaths and the peace of mind knowing that they can do this every single night for the rest of their lives if they wanted to because they’re getting married and they have a family together and they’re so in love with each other that nothing else matters.

When Y/N finally manages to muster up the energy to lift herself from the mattress and waddle to the bathroom, Harry breaks the silence.

“Hey,” his voice is calm and collected and there’s a smirk on his face.

“Hmm?” she answers as she cranes her neck and braces herself on the door frame of the master bathroom.

Her other hand is caressing her bump, a tick that she’d picked up over the months whenever she wasn’t doing anything important.

“Sit on m’ face in the morning?”

There’s that laugh again. The one that Harry loves and swears came straight from the angels above.

“With pleasure,” she winks as the door closes behind her.

[pinof]

Under the cut is the full transcript for The British Get Talking Podcast episode on October 8, 2020 with Dan!

[Interviewer:] Hello everyone! I'm Kylie Pentelow and here we are again. This is the second series of the "Britain Get Talking" podcast from ITV where I talk to some amazing people who open up about the mental well being. Today, Dan Howell is a YouTube star. He rose to fame through his comedy videos that have had more than a billion views. More recently, he's opened up on his YouTube channel about depression and his video "Basically I'm Gay" has had eleven million views. Dan is now writing a book about mental health and is an ambassador for YoungMinds. Dan is obviously funny, but he's also clever and sensitive. To me, it seems he's using his huge profile among young people to really make a difference. I loved talking to Dan and I hope you like listening to this podcast too. Dan, thanks so much for speaking to me today! How are you?

[Dan:] I am a big fan of saying "I'm fine." And that is the absolute worst, most British answer to that question that anyone can give. And it's what people say all the time. And, you know, for me, it's definitely- It's something that instantly says way too much. *laughs* Doesn't it? I mean, you can write a whole essay about "I'm fine" as an answer. "Oh, I don't want to inconvenience you. Oh, I don't want to bore you by talking about whatever I'm going through." And that's very me. I accept that one of my flaws is I don't want to put something on the other person. I don't want to start a whole thing that might bore them. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning, so I'll just go, "I'm fine!" And usually the tone in which I say "I'm fine" immediately betrays the fact that I'm- You know, might be clearly very stressed about something. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Do you think your kind of friends would pick up or people you know would say, "Oh wait, you sure?" or would they delve deeper?

[Dan:] Everybody I know! They just look at me like, "Okay, Dan." *laughs* Cool, okay. So in ten minutes, we'll be talking about how you actually feel. We just need to get through the kind of ice breaking- Cause, you know, I'm that introvert and I'm quite socially awkward so it takes a while to melt the ice to get through to whatever's there.

[Interviewer:] You're hugely successful! You rose to fame with your YouTube videos. They are very funny!

[Dan:] Mhm. *laughs* Thank you!

[Interviewer:] But you have a few small serious ones in there recently. And you've spoken very openly about your depression. What prompted you to do it in the first place?

[Dan:] Yeah, so that was quite a journey. In case anyone doesn't know- Uh, hi, my name is Daniel Howell. *laughs* And as you say, I was mainly known for being somebody who uploaded comedy videos to YouTube. Which I think, Kylie, is something you and I have in common! I'm aware that you have some toes in the YouTube space.

[Interviewer:] Yeah! Oh my goodness. Back in the day, yeah.

[Dan:] Look at us! We got one toe in traditional media and the other in the Internet.

[Interviewer:] I love this. *laughs*

[Dan:] So yeah, these videos- They were something that I started when I was a teenager and they were just kind of comedy videos about everyday things. So I had like rants about how annoying people are at the airport or what it's like going on public transport. And then I'd, you know, move onto talking about things that people were arguing about in TV shows. It was all very funny. It was all very relatable. And as time went on, I started to be a bit more personal with the stories I was telling. I was saying, "You know what? I'm actually going to tell you today about the time I got fired." It was an awful time in my life but usually the things that are really awful are very funny to laugh at. And people liked that because I was sharing something personal. It was intimate. It made it even funnier because it was real and it was awful. You know, comedy is just tragedy and someone saying you're allowed to laugh at it. And it was in 2017- I'd gone through a few years where I really started to think about my own mental health seriously for the first time. Because I had quite an upsetting childhood, as someone who grew up gay. And I had a lot of issues with depression and various things and really had just never thought about it in my life until any point. And it was only when I was in my mid-twenties that for the very first time, I stepped back and I was like, "You know what? I'm feeling like this and this is something. It's not right and I should do something about it. I came to terms with the fact that I really had been struggling with depression for a very long time. And this is something that's obviously- It's quite hard to firstly accept on a personal level and then to tell anyone about: your friends and family. And for me, I was in this strange place because I had this career as this comedian who was known for sharing these things from my life and being very open and having this great relationship with my audience. And yet, it felt like there was this huge, kind of big secret dark cloud in my life that people didn't know about. And it was especially strange for someone who performs on stage and you know, who did jobs like the one I did on Radio One. And it felt like all the time, I was acting very funny. I was acting very happy and really there was this whole other side to me. And I just decided that for several reasons really, I had to get it out there just so people would know this fundamental thing about me so they'd understand a bit more about my story. But also that I felt, even in 2017, there was so much misconception around discussing mental health and what depression is. And so many people out there that felt like they needed to have this conversation held in a public place. So it was absolutely terrifying for me. But I decided to make one of my typical, you know, comedy videos where I tell stories and I talk about my opinions. Except I opened up about my depression and it was an absolutely huge moment in my life. And I remember being terrified when I hit that upload button. And the response I got was just so much more positive and powerful than I could've ever imagined. Not only because people were saying, "This is so much more compelling because it's real and you're being honest. But so many people had never really had depression explained to them? They were like, "I have loved ones that go through this. I have friends and I've seen it and now I understand it more." And so many other people said, "This is me. I was sat watching this." So people were saying, "I've been struggling with this for years and I didn't know how to talk about it to my family." Other people were saying, "I didn't even know this was me. Now I'm seeing it for the first time." And that really- You know, it was a moment that changed my life in my career for sure.

[Interviewer:] The thing I think you do really well in it is explain the difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed. Can you just explain that?

[Dan:] Well, we all feel sad many times. You know, we can watch a Disney movie and feel sad. *laughs* If something sad happens. But depression is when you notice for a long time that things aren't right. If you're not enjoying the things you should be enjoying. If you're having a real struggle just maintaining the basic things you should be doing: getting out of bed, feeding yourself, opening the curtains. If you feel like you've sunken into a hole. If you're not enjoying the things that you're doing. If you just don't have the energy- You don't want to socialize anymore. Then it's not just that you're feeling sad because an event. It may be that you are depressed and this isn't something that may just blow over. It's something that you need to really acknowledge and then do something to fix.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about how it affects things like your diet as well. Like that was quite a surprise to me. Sometimes you might feel like you might not want to eat at all. Sometimes you eat to try to make yourself feel better.

[Dan:] Absolutely. Yeah, some people when they feel depressed, they just can't eat because you know- I mean, cooking's an effort. I'm one of those people that hates cooking. I mean, I love eating. I hate cooking. So yeah. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] I'm with you.

[Dan:] And this was me sometimes. I would just go, "I don't want to cook." And then I would lay in bed all day and I wouldn't eat. And then another day, I would be feeling, you know, so self indulgent, I'd be like, "I'm going to order just the most decadent, gross amount of pizza no human should be able to consume in one sitting." And then do that just to fill the hole inside my soul with carbohydrates. And that may make you feel good for about ten minutes and then when you're digesting it all the next day, you realize that it's actually just another kind of self destructive behavior.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about medication as well, which I think was really brave. Cause even though lots of people might talk about feeling depressed, they don't share that they're talking any medication for it. In fact, the other day, my close friend shared with me that she was taking antidepressants. And I've known her for a decade and she's never told me that. Actually, it was because she's been listening to this podcast, which is great that she felt that she could share that. But do you think that is important to get the whole kind of picture out there?

[Dan:] I think there's a big stigma around taking medication, which is strange as an absolutely huge amount of the population are taking medication for all kinds of things. And antidepressants are very common. And of course we're saying this knowing that anyone listening- You should always consult a professional. Go to your doctor. Speak to them. For some people, medication works. For some people, it doesn't. It's one of many options but it's definitely something that- It can have big effects on how you behave. On how you need to live day to day. And you shouldn't be afraid of telling people that. It doesn't mean that you're broken. *laughs* It means that you're taking a step to try and get help and be better. And it's brave to share that, so I would encourage anyone that feels bad about the fact that they take medication to try to be more casually open about it. Which I appreciate can be really difficult because it just has this knock on effect of making everyone less ashamed.

[Interviewer:] What was that, kind of, first step like for you? Was it speaking to your family? Or was it going to the doctor when you sought professional help?

[Dan:] Well, the first time I sought professional help I think was when I was at University. I was going through a really hard- Kind of quarter life crisis time where I was thinking, "Oh, what am I doing with my life? Why am I enjoying what I'm doing?" And I just realized that I wasn't functioning on a day to day level. *laughs* And I spoke to one of the counselors at University and this was a positive experience. You know, sometimes if people talk about their mental health at their work place or their University, you hear these horror stories. I had one of those good examples where there was this lovely lady and she said, "It sounds like you have depression and if you need to take some time out of school to do that, then that's the right thing to do." And then I went to the doctor and then you know, we spoke and he said, "Yes, it sounds like this." And that was the first time I acknowledged it. And the first time for the few years, I kind of acknowledged it but I didn't actively work on it that much. And as I said, it was a few years later, when I was in my mid-twenties, when I was like, "No. If this is my normal, this isn't right. And it's something I need to make an effort to pull myself out of."

[Interviewer:] You are writing a book at the moment about this, aren't you? I wonder how that's been because sometimes, it's great, isn't it? To talk about stuff and other times, you actually just wanna be a bit quiet and deal with things, you know, in your own way. But I wonder whether a book has kind of open more things up for you.

[Dan:] Yeah, I mean, you know- Talk about coming out of the closet. Which is something I also literally did. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] We'll talk about that in a sec. *laughs*

[Dan:] Yeah, so the book is called "You Will Get Through This Night" and it is coming out in May next year. So it's only around preorder now, but people can find it on Amazon if they're interested. And it's quite wild for someone like me to write it. The book is a hand book. It's a tool for people to understand their mental health and to make changes to their improve their lives. And the idea behind it is that we are all kind of in this state where as humans in our modern society, there's various things that we feel ashamed to talk about. There's a stigma approaching various things. If we do certain things, we're viewed as weak. We don't want to admit certain things to ourselves and this is about breaking down all of those things and going, "Actually, all of these behaviors that so many of us do day to day are self destructive. These attitudes we have towards these certain things are totally wrong. We need to change the way we think about these things. We need to forgive ourselves slightly more. We need to be more patient." And also just understanding how all the things you do on a day to day basis affect your mental health. Sleep, exercise, socializing. Every single time you have a thought, you need to check that thought and go, "Am I being completely unreasonable and putting myself in a position where I'm going to have a crazy amount of stress or if I'm going to make myself really anxious." And the hope is that with this book, a lot of people will realize, "Oh my god, I do all of these things day to day and I had no idea what profound effect all of these things had on my life." I'm spicing it up slightly by obviously sharing my personal journey- *laughs* With all of these things and as you say- That is quite, uh, a strange experience for me because I- It's obviously been extremely helpful. I mean, it's been blowing my mind just writing this book. The whole thing done in consultation with a qualified psychologist, so obviously I know what I'm talking about when I'm giving this advice. And when I was reading all of the theory for me to turn into this book, I was just sat there myself- *laughs* As I would hope people would be when they read it thinking, "Oh my god, I'm awful! I need to give myself a break. We do all of these things all the time? And I'm making myself feel like this for no reason? That's crazy!" And came to saying, "Right, on this topic, I'm going to share with you what my journey has been dealing with this. Here's my stories about it. It's been simultaneously quite cathartic and to be honest, quite difficult revisiting a lot of these things. Especially if you go through things when you're younger or if you feel that there's certain things that you've moved past from. Then it can be quite upsetting to revisit these things and whilst initially, it was quite a jump to get into that, it definitely makes you realize that confronting things with a clear head, with the best of intentions and some honesty looking at yourself- It really makes you feel a lot better on the other side.

[Interviewer:] How do you cope with doing what you do because the industry you've chosen to work in- Not only like putting yourself out there on YouTube, but also saying, "I'm funny. Look at me, I'm going to make you laugh." You know, that must put a lot of pressure on you. But also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing it can sometimes it can be a bit solitary as well? How do you deal with all of that going on?

[Dan:] Oh god, yeah. I picked as a complete introvert with crippling social anxiety and mild agoraphobia- I picked the absolute worst career possible. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Yeah!

[Dan:] But maybe, that's why the material is so honest. *laughs* You know? That's why I have so much to work with. I think that, you know, there is an element of being forced to confront your demons that probably helps accelerate my internal growth process. And especially from the comedy perspective, there is a fine line between saying, "I'm going to open myself up for people to laugh at my stories and kind of appreciating that I need to save a bit vulnerability." And it- You know, it was crazy. I made a video called "Trying To Live My Truth" about the concept of authenticity and how in life, if generally, if we aren't being authentic- And this isn't just doing a career that we love. It may be being honest in the relationships that we have day to day in really being true to ourselves about what we want to be doing, where we want to be. If you kind of lie to yourself and go, "Oh, I'm just going to do this for a bit to do here. I'm only having a relationship with these people for now." Eventually, it'll get to you and it will wear you down. That was a really hard thing for me to talk about because I was saying, "There's so many aspects of my life where right now, I feel like I'm not being authentic and I'm realizing it's really taking a toll of me. So some people may have to appreciate that I'm going to have to tell them things and I may not be the person that they thought I was but this is something that I have to do if I need to be happier."

[Interviewer:] We talked earlier about how, you know, you've done some more serious videos. But actually, even your video about depression is really funny. And obviously it's really great to be talking about mental health but we need to not be too worthy about it, don't we? And just- I was watching that video feeling really connected to what you were saying and then a second later, I was laughing out loud and actually, it reminded me a bit of "After Life"- Ricky Gervais' show. I don't know if you watch that but.

[Dan:] *laughs* Yeah, definitely.

[Interviewer:] It's that very fine line that- You know, in one of his scenes, I remember when he was talking to his dad that I was crying and then literally the next second, I was laughing out loud. And I just felt- That's such a positive thing that you do and is that a real conscious thing that you do?

[Dan:] I mean, my default is to always kind of break the tension by making people laugh. And there's a side to that like, "Okay, we can laugh about it but eventually we're going to have to be a bit serious." So you need a bit of both but I think especially when talking about these difficult topics, just making it funny- It breaks that ice. And often by pointing out the silly things that happen as a result of these things, you know, I've been making fun of the fact that I'm depressed all day and my friend's just like pouring popcorn all over my head. Like, "Come on! Enjoy the things that you used to enjoy." It's like okay, that's really silly. That's really goofy. And it's like- But it kind of is silly, you know? And then me kind of taking a step back and realizing, "Yeah, me lounging around in bed all day. Yeah me being afraid to go outside for this reason or that." There are little things that are relatable. They're just a bit silly. And when you can laugh at that- I mean, just laughing or smiling once. We can talk about the health of people with depression. Sometimes putting on a bit of comedy and watching something can really save the day. So I think that there's a real benefit to even the most difficult topics, finding something to make people laugh. It makes it easier.

[Interviewer:] Let's talk about your video that's- I don't know how many millions of views it's got. "Basically I'm Gay." Tell me about that video and why that was important to make.

[Dan:] So that was essentially a coming out video. I mean, I would say it was the biggest moment of my life in a lot of ways. Because I've had a real struggle with sexuality my entire life. I think I've known, on some level, that I was some kind of gay since I was a small child. And I had an incredibly difficult time in school with bullying. I had difficult relationships with some of my family members and it was honestly- It was quite traumatic and I never really realized it because I got used to that state of just accepting that this is the way things are and getting on with it to survive. Kind of very extreme version of the British stiff upper lip to get -on with it. And it was only really when I reached kind of 27/28 when I was like, "Oh my god. No, this is awful! *laughs* I've got so much baggage. I've got a heathrow carousel in my cupboard over here." It was terrible. And I ran away from this entire subject of sexuality because it was just difficult. And there was so much wrapped up in it. And for any courage that it took me for me to talk about mental health or even just, you know, terrible things that happened to me that may be embarrassing when I'm on stage in a little routine or something. For me to not just talk publicly about my sexuality and everything that went into it but just to accept it myself was a huge journey. And you know, it's called internalized homophobia and it's basically from growing up in such a homophobic environment. I was brainwashed, really, to kind of hate myself and not accept the fact of who I was. And this was such a huge part of my mental health-  My entire life. To the point where I only acknowledge it truly a few months before I made that video. I think when I was talking about that authenticity thing, I was just like, "I'm a sham." I was on a world tour with my friend. We did a stage show and went to eighteen countries. Think we met about fifty thousand people at these little meet and greets before the shows. And so many people would come up to me and they would be so honest. Some people would cry and they'd just say, "You opening up about depression gave me the strength to turn my life around." Or, "You talking about athenticity made me quit my job." There were other people that said, "I want to come out to my parents just because you talked about being authentic and about your mental health and these things." And I felt like a complete fraud because here I was- I was supposed to be this guy who made the funny videos but at the same time, I was talking about these topics and I was being open about myself. And I was just like, "The hugest thing is still completely hidden and it's something that I know I'm hiding from myself." And I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. So I uploaded this video saying, "I really just need to think about how I can be more authentic because I felt like I've hit this road block in my life where I just can't continue. I've done it for too long. I've put it off and I just feel like in every aspect of my life, I've hit that wall. And until I break through it, I just can't do anything." And I basically disappeared from the Internet for about a year. And in that year, it was a complete journey where I said, I needed to acknowledge it for myself. I realized if I ever wanted to talk about this publicly, there's so many things I need to do. I need to come out to my family. I need to tell friends. I need to think about how it's going to affect my work life and I really just went on this complete crash course of a life wrecking in the start of 2019. *laughs* And it was a huge journey. As I said, I'm this huge socially awkward person so the idea of coming out to my family. Oh, I just couldn't do it. It was just awful. I remember it was Boxing Day 2018 and all my family were just sat watching "Chicken Run" or something. And I was like, "I'm gonna do it. I have to do it at some point, you know? I have to tell the family." And it's this awful thing coming out- It's like nobody wants it to be a big deal. *laughs* It's just because that we live in this world where people are presumed to be straight, it's not like gay people want to cause a big scene by coming out. They have to. Because no matter what, when you tell somebody, it's going to be a big surprise usually. So I'm the last person that wanted to make it all about me. God, I just want to blend into the background. I was thinking, "I'm going to have to completely blow up this Christmas." And I couldn't do it. So I thought that was the perfect opportunity and it's gone now. My family- For about two months, I was just like, "Aw, I ruined it.  I ruined it. That was my one chance."

[Interviewer:] Oh gosh, that must have been so stressful! You're just carrying that around.

[Dan:] Oh, it was awful! Yeah and then I went for dinner with my mum. And I was like, "Okay, intimate. I'll do this." And then again, I was like, "I don't want to ruin my mum's birthday by making it all about me." *laughs* Then I left having failed to do it then and I went, "Right, this is getting stupid now." So you know what I did? I wrote an email to all of my family. Just CC'd them on an email and just said, "Hi. Basically I'm gay. Let me know if you want to talk about it. Bye!" And I just hit send and closed my laptop. That is very much- That is the Dan Howell strategy of throwing the hand grenade, closing the door, and going, "Whoops!" And then I got the phone calls and you know, thankfully I think that we're living in a much more kinder, accepting world than we did twenty years ago. I think that we can see when it comes to all kinds of things- The world is getting a lot more smarter and educated and just accepting and more kind. So the reception that I got from my family in 2019 was very kind and loving accepting. And it was really kind of wonderful. It felt like this huge, colossal weight had been lifted from me where I felt like there was this wall between me and my family my entire life, where there was just something that was unsaid. Something that would've explained so much. A fundamental part of who I was. It was so important to get that out there. And as you said earlier, just you know, as someone that as a public figure. As an entertainer who talks about myself for my career, getting this out there? I don't know. It was just absolutely profound so I spent months and months writing this video. And for people that don't know, you'd expect a YouTube video to be a twenty second video of a cat falling down the stairs or something. I ended up putting this forty five minute- *laughs* It was basically a stand up special that I filmed in my office. It was dense. I was like, "Look, if I'm going to talk about sexuality, I've got say strap yourselves in people." And yeah, the moment I hit go on that, it transformed my entire life. It was really just this feeling of this pressure lifting all around me and it felt like age 28, that I finally alive for the first time. And my life had only just begun. Because only now was I actually out there. People knew who I was and I could kind of begin living authentically in world where people actually knew who I was. And that's crazy.

[Interviewer:] Do you wished you'd done it earlier or do you think it was the right time?

[Dan:] *sighs* I do wish I did it earlier. What I would say to anybody- You may be somebody queer in the closet thinking about doing this or you may just be someone who wants to open up to your loved ones about the fact that you may be depressed. Or you just want to be honest about the things in your life saying, "You know what? I really hate my job and it's ruining my life." Or something about the relationships in the life or the friendships. They're just not working. You cannot sit on these things forever. Confronting them an be so difficult. I mean, look at me. I basically went into a cave for a year- *laughs* And had the most socially awkward time ever dealing with it. And it was so difficult but I cannot tell you how free it felt afterwards. So that's definitely something I want everybody listening to this to take away.

[Interviewer:] Did you look at the comments on the video? And if you did, what were they like?

[Dan:] Yeah. I mean, I try not to- *laughs* You know, see what people are saying about me too much but I did. It was all very nice and as I say, you know, I wish I would've done it earlier in my life but I don't think I could've done it earlier in my life. And I didn't. And that was for a reason. I just couldn't have. I just wasn't in the place to. I did it when I did and thankfully we're in a world now that's so much better. And my audience that I have is so kind and loving and accepting. Because you know, I cultivated a following of people that liked me being open about mental health and sharing the most awkward, stupid stories from my life. So when I shared the biggest thing, what was there waiting for me was a community of people that were there to be supportive. And that was just- You know, I feel so lucky that I had that really positive experience. So just like the depression video, people were saying, "I feel seen by this." Or, "I now finally understand what it's like for gay people in a way that I didn't before. I can talk to my mum. I can show my mum this. I'm straight and I had no idea. This is amazing." And just to see that a byproduct of me being honest about myself managed to help people- It really, you know, it helps! *laughs* Cause it's safe to say that I've struggled a lot. I'm someone that is very, very good at beating myself up. I don't ever taking a win. People always say that about me. If something goes very well, they'll be like, "How'd it go Dan?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah. It was alright." "What do you mean? It went great?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah! It's fine." *laughs* So yeah definitely, I feel very lucky it's gone as well as it did.

[Interviewer:] You're an ambassador for YoungMinds as well and you know, you're obviously speaking out, "Hey!" And for your YouTube videos. Do you think there is still a stigma particularly attached to young people and mental health?

[Dan:] I think that definitely young people- When you get into teenage years, everyone's very defensive and they're very aggressive. And I think that a lot of people go into- Especially the school environment feeling scared. They don't want to be judged by other people. They don't want to seem weak. They're proactively feeling scared and defensive and aggressive to protect themselves from being harmed by people cause you're just so scared. So definitely. People don't want to admit that they have anxiety. I think that young queer people might not feel like you know, "I can't do this now. It's not worth the risk." And I think that the YoungMinds charity, which is part of the Royal Foundation that Harry and Will support, does such amazing jobs cause they not only create material to help young people understand, "If you're feeling like this, you might have anxiety. That's not normal. And here's how to help." But they also reach out to parents to say, "This is how you can observe these things that may be happening in your family and realize it may be silent. It may not be talking about it. It may be this huge issue happening right in front of you." And as well, they're helping the schools cause I think it's definitely safe to say that schools could do it a lot better in protecting mental health of the young people that go to them. So it's definitely one of the off shoots of me opening up about depression. Being apart of this amazing charity that does such great work. It helps me sleep at night.

[Interviewer:] And we'll hear, um, about an appeal actually to raise money for mental health including Mind and YoungMinds in a minute. It's so important, isn't it? That they exist. That they're even out there for us.

[Dan:] It's a lifeline for people because I think that anyone who struggled with any mental health issue listening to this would know that that one conversation- That first conversation. First olive branch that you get reaching out to you. That could be what saves your life. So it may feel like, "Oh, we've talked about this enough. Doesn't everyone know about mental health right now?" And there may be someone listening to this that's going, "You know what? That's me. I've got that thing that I haven't shared yet. I need to have that conversation. I need to have that one moment where someone listens to me, acknowledges how I feel." And definitely, it's just such a huge part of everyone's life. And it's completely silent. There's still so much more to do.

[Interviewer:] I hate this word, Dan, but I'm gonna say it. It sounds like you've been on a real journey. *laughs* I can't think of a better word.

[Dan:] *laughs* Oh no. I've been full hobbit there and back again, yeah. It's been a real around the world adventure. And you can watch it all on the internet, god.

[Interviewer:] I wonder if you could talk about kind of just the lowest point but then the kind of real highs. Cause then, at the moment, it sounds like you're in a really good place.

[Dan:] I mean, I'm definitely in a better place. I think that none of us should ever feel like we've solved all our issues and we're fine. You know, that was me, age 22. I was like, "Cool! Apparently I've got depression. That's fine. I know what to do it." It's like no, you need to- You need to make an effort. You need to really think about all the things in your life. You need to talk to a doctor. I think that, you know, for me- My lowest point was definitely when I was teenager. There was a point where I actually tried to take my own life because the struggles that I had with my sexuality were just so extreme within my friend group and school and everything that I was hearing from the world. I just really felt like, "I'm broken. This is not right." I looked at the world around me and I thought, "There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere else. I know everything." So it was that impulse impulse is what I think people in this situation feel. Where they just think, "This isn't about anyone and this isn't a rational decision, but I just feel like there's nowhere to go. And I need to hit the escape hatch." And I was so wrong because as I got older and time progressed, I just realized that the world is so big. And even if you feel like you're trapped in a situation, time can change everything. And if I just knew how much the world would change. How much my life would change. Not just with my career, but just moving to a different city. Meeting new people. I wasn't stuck. There was nothing like that and that was definitely the lowest point. And I feel so glad that I managed to make through that time. And the fact that you know, I made it through all these years and- *laughs* This journey that I went on. Kind of very publicly. Going from like- I think I even made a YouTube video just before I got a job at Radio One saying, "I'm going to drop out of Law School to try to make it as an entertainer." And everyone at the time was like, "You're an idiot. What are you doing? What?!" *laughs* Cause this before anyone had a career on the internet, you know? They were like, "Okay,so the BBC wants to give you this job. That's kind of cool. But are you sure you don't want to be a lawyer? That seems cool." My granddad was not happy.

[Interviewer:] I'm bet. *laughs*

[Dan:] You can see this whole journey and you know, from doing everything I did with Radio One to writing a book and to end up in a position where me just going on the journey that I need to go on personally ends up being shared with the world- That can do something for other people is just a bonus that makes me feel just really happy. Not just personally, but for the state that the world is in.

[Interviewer:] Aw Dan, it's been so nice chatting to you today. Thank you so much for your time.

[Dan:] It's been really nice. It's been like a therapy session. It's very cathartic! [Interviewer:] That's good! I'm for me. Great! Dan, thanks so much.

[Dan:] Thank you very much. Have a nice day, everyone.

[swluminekin]

Honestly, I know few will see this - or care to see this - but I need to put in my two cents.

Sean’s “15 Months” is a beautifully put together short film. It talks about a lot and it hits home for a lot of people. It also shows his vulnerability from the past, well, 15 months; what his life has been like.

The film hits home about depression, loneliness, chronic illness, and anxiety. The past 15 months have brought forward a lot of this for people. If this community has shown me anything, everyone has some sort health problem. Doesn’t matter if it’s mental or physical, most of us have something. Due to the pandemic, we have all been affected in some way. Many of us didn’t know if we would have jobs the next day. We didn’t know if or when we would get it. We didn’t know if we would ever be able to see or touch loved ones again. We just... didn’t know. Because many of us like talking to people or being around people, we started to get lonely... then anxious... as time went on people were getting depressed. For a long while people were checking in on each other just to make sure everyone was okay. It seemed to go on forever. For people with chronic illnesses, having depression or anxiety didn’t help. Going to the doctor was either impossible or extremely difficult to accomplish. Not to mention for many who needed to go to the hospital for procedures, unless it was absolutely necessary (and even then that didn’t always mean anything) you had to continuously delay it because of the high number of CoV cases. Everything just seemed to get worse and worse. (The political unrest didn’t help either.) But now we’re slowly starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s so close and hopefully soon we can just move forward and think of this as just a dark chapter. A dark chapter that helped us all see and think from different perspectives than we did before.

At the same time, Sean is showing us what he personally has dealt with - even if it’s not the full story. He’s mentioned before that because his asthma has come back - as well as having digestive issues - that he’s had to take medication upon medication every day. He’s mentioned about waking up in the middle of the night short of breath, or waking up in the morning with his chest hurting and not able to breathe near at all. Seeing it the way he put it in his film brought it so much more into light for me that it actually felt real (not that it didn’t feel real before). Watching him struggle to laugh or smile, having to have inhalers close by just in case. Seeing the exhaustion from just existing some days was incredibly prevalent. He showed us the pressure of social media and looking at his comments sections, seeing how people want the old him - demand it of him. But for an amount of the community (or at least me), what seems to hit hard is seeing him watching the old videos of himself. He’s told us time and again that he’s finally happy where he is, but everyone demands the old him back and just watching him watch the old videos just ached. He shouldn’t want to go back to that time in his life. That was a Sean who didn’t know who he was, what he wanted, and was incredibly close to burning out. Sean has told us this himself - especially when the public speaker reviewed his videos. The entire film showed us how - as he mentioned before - it was everyday the same thing, lather-rinse-repeat. There was no difference, no change. It was kind of anxiety inducing because you could tell he didn’t like being stagnant. But at the end, he was showing us that he’s trying to move forward, he’s trying to do what’s good for him. He sees a light and he’s taking steps towards it to help himself.

What this film means for the future, I don’t know. No one of the community knows but Sean. Wherever it takes him, we should be here for him as a community. Should he do more ego content or not. If he starts making short documentaries or not. Whether he goes back to playing games. Or if he needs to take long breaks for mental or physical health. Just like we (should) support each other, we also need to remember to support Sean. We need to remember that if there was no Sean, there would be no JSE community. We need to let him be able to take care of himself and we need to be there for him like he is here for us. And we also need to remember that it’s also not good to stay in the same place for a long time. If we do, we’ll never see the light of change.