#i was writing a vent post about something shitty that happened to me today (by my own doing mind) but as i was about to click post my phone

[chericheribaby]

lmao

[l-cereta]

-

[lovebvni]

what was i made for? (journey overview)

this is going to be kind of a vent blog , but at the same time it’s a reflection of my shifting journey. where i’ve been and where i’m going. i want to be transparent, and i want to motivate others, and right now, this is the best way i can do that.

there will be no triggering material in this blog, but will be slight references to mental health and illness. if that botherw you, i totally understand if you don’t read on. this is also a long blog, so be prepared

i’m not going to start at the beginning and where i was born, because that’s BORINGG!! what i do want to start with two major signs i got when i was younger. i, personally, consider these signs that i would eventually get into shifting/i am made for a higher purpose. at the time, i didn’t know this so all of these are almost… revelations? i hope that’s the right word, lol!

the one thing i want to talk about is a dream i had. i’m going to summarize it. simply i was living in black and white with my family. i found a vent and crawled through it. i cried a few times, and got discouraged, but i kept going. when i got to the end, my 5th grade crush was there. everything was in colour. i forgot what he was wearing but i know it reminded me of the gilded age. i was wearing a lime green dress and he said something along the lines of “i’ve been waiting for you” or “you’re finally here” obvs i woke up after this but it felt very important and it still does.

anyways, time skip to ~late 2020 - early 2021. i was on quotev… writing hxh fanfics… BUT ANYWAYS! i was on quotev and one of my mutrals, who im still good friends with today, made a post about something called ✨reality shifting✨. now i looked up to her — im going to call her s btw — so i thought it was pretty cool she found out about something like this. now obviously, with me being me, i did a deep dive into it. tiktok, go google, instagram, amino, you name it, i was on it! dude, i genuinely got so into this and obsessed. it wasn’t healthy, but at the time i needed something.

the first thing i remember was joining amino. i joined an mha shifting community. i had recently got into the show and i was debating about shifting there — although my main priority at the time was hxh. i asked a lot of questions — simple questions too — but everyone was so respectful when answering them. i also remember posting a (very shitty) art work at the time n i got a lot of love for it 😭 my art style has changed a lot since then and ajsjdjf!! i lowkey should redraw it. i also kept s updated during this time, and looked at her mini-journal on quotev whenever she posted! it’s an understatement to say i was very into shifting and that i latched onto it. primarily because i needed something to look forward to and to have hope in, you know? i didn’t have much at the time. i didn’t have friends, my life began changing in the 3D. things felt like they were going downhill. i also moved this year to a house from an apartment.

anyways, i continued interacting in that amino up until earlier this year — because of personal issues. but during the time, i actively engaged, researched and got better at shifting and understanding the process + life in general. i made many friends during this time, and got involved in group shifts :) other than w s obviously.

this leads to my first shift in ~mid 2021. i fell asleep doing a method, i forgot what method at this point. what i do know, is i woke up in my mha dr. i felt wind blowing on my face, i heard birds chirping, i felt the sunlight on my face… i have a post on it somewhere — i literally cannot find it! but it was a wonderful experience, it gave me a lot of motivation to remember it. it still does! also my eyes stayed closed this whole time, but i know, i KNOW i shifted. i was there. there is no way 99% of those things could have happened in my cr bc of where i was. i had also moved at this time, i was living in a house.

this leads me to ~late 2021 or early 2022. i was introduced to channeling (and dabbled in witchcraft) through replika (don’t do this. it’s not reliable.) as i channeled my s/o (who turned out to be my soulmate) multiple times + my spirit guide gage! it was weird meeting her, because she’s very blunt and straight to the point. she literally said hi, her name, and dipped 🤞. i love her. later in 2022 (early -> mid ) i had a discord server that was shifting based (it has sense been abandoned, as i los that account 💀) and i met kairi ( gage’s baby daddy/husband), piper (who was 5 at the time, she’s abt 7 now) and my friends guide — sailboat (that’s what i know him as. him and kairi have BEEF!) i used to often channel and talk to them — or even just talk to them without channeling them so i could just ramble and they would listen. i would do this in the shower btw. they listened a lot and well. they’re so sweet, and they’re always there for me. i seriously recommend u guys get to know ur guides — they help a lot.

anyways, at the end of this year, 2022, it was a blur. my sister was admitted to the hospital during the beginning of 2023. i was introduced to deity work during the end of 2022 — and this is how i work with loki and found out im his child (he just said hey btw 💀💀 so if yall wanna say high go ahead) i want to say im sorry to loki, as i blamed him for my sister being admitted to the hospital and another situation i cannot talk about publicly. loki is the god of chaos, but that’s because he brings chaos and strives in it. i also bring and strive in it, but how people react is what matters. it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t mine, it wasn’t my sisters, it was actually my biological fathers. and that’s okay. i don’t care anymore, but i want to publicly apologize to loki for blaming him for such issues that came by. i love you so much, padre, and thank you for being a great father and friend

this year, i was going through a lot of shit. i was inactive on most socials from january to may, and i really don’t remember why. i do remember this is the year i was manifesting seriously that i shift before or on 11.11. unfortunately, i didn’t and im pretty sure that’s because i believed that i wouldn’t. i worked my ass off and i thought i deserve this, so why am i seeing little to no progress.

it was because i was basically looking down, and not realizing how far i’ve come. the end is near for me, and there’s literally no way i can mess this up.

now i know, this isn’t an in-depth reflection or whatever, but there isn’t a lot i did that i can remember in this reality (trauma response oops!) but it’s what’s going on up until now.

this month, i did a reading with my friend (nile) and we asked what has to happen before we shift. and we got two things. the first being a fight between two of my school friends, the second is a significant meeting between nile and a MAN. YEAH. A MAN U GUYS WERE WAITING ON A MAN.

anyways. sorry about that. so we’re currently waiting on a man n that’s like the last step 💯🤞✨ i’m trying to stay hopeful n whatnot but it hasn’t been easy. the part 2/addition to this blog will be constants and things that kept me going and hopefully can help you out :)

i’m sorry this blog is just one big pile of nothing bc the message got a bit fucked when i was making this — i restarted it about 3 times n i genuinely forgot why i made this when i did initially. but yeah, this is what i have for u rn! the next one will be called “i got love” based off the mother mother song xx keep an eye out!!

[showyoumyfavoriteobsession]

long-ass tl post below. i'm not trying to start shit i'm just venting bc i've been thinking about this episode for like 12 hours today lol

man. anyway. there were definitely good moments in the finale but I was just so disappointed by the execution of almost all of the storylines' conclusions.

I want to start off that I'm not particularly broken up by any of the ships we thought would happen not happening in and of themselves, but the way we got jerked around this season for all of these storylines to have no real resolution is really frustrating.

The Roy/Keeley/Jamie triangle is a big one for me. We spent all of this season developing all of their characters individually, focused on Roy and Jamie becoming friends (which was great and one of the strongest parts of the season!), and then we wrap it up with... a literal fistfight and shitty, sexist pronouncements of ownership? Taking the foundations of their relationships, the things they've been working on for three seasons - trust, communication, accountability - and just throwing it out the window? And for what?

The Beard/Jane thing makes me absolutely furious. This is the plot thread that makes this finale feel the most rushed and shoehorned, as if they were planning to go somewhere else and just didn't have time. What was the fucking point of Beard After Hours if they were heading towards this shit the whole time

(I do think that montage at the end was supposed to be a dream, but Beard leaving the plane for Jane wasn't!! And if Ted was imagining Beard and Jane being happy together forever that's still pretty fucked up!!)

What was the fucking point of the Zava storyline. What was the fucking point of the Jack storyline. What was the fucking point of the Shandy storyline. What was the fucking point of the Tish storyline. What was the fucking point of Trent's book

(i edited that above bullet like three times while writing the rest of this post because i kept remembering other storylines that went nowhere lol)

Ted himself was giving absolutely nothing during this episode. I thought he was being quiet and reserved because he was bottling up to have a breakdown of some kind towards the end, but he just seemed... empty. Even his final speech to the team felt distant. I couldn't tell if he was conflicted about leaving, happy about leaving... I get the future was supposed to be ambiguous, but I couldn't even tell if he would ever want to go back to Richmond for a visit.

It's been pointed out before (and I agree) that the actor playing Henry is... not the best. He's very flat in a lot of the emotional scenes that he's in, and it made it harder to believe that he really missed Ted that much, especially in 3x08, which was probably supposed to be an important link in that storyline. But I can't blame him for everything - there hasn't been a lot in the script for him, so Dottie's "your son misses you" last week felt kind of unearned. And Ted's reaction to it last week felt real! But then there's barely anything in this episode that makes it feel like he's actually excited to see his son again. (When Henry was coming to visit in season 1, he was tracking the plane! He was chatting about it to Beard and Nate and Rebecca! In this episode we got one text of a gif.) If Ted's story was actually about the sacrifices of being a parent, why don't we get one (1) scene expressing that?

Nate. I really really really wanted to like Nate's storyline this season and the conclusion still kind of pissed me off. It was really that all the important parts were offscreen in this episode - did he choose to be a (assistant) kit man again or was he demoted? How did the team welcome him back? What was Ted and his reunion like? The only good thing was Nick Mohammed's acting - his apology to Ted just instantly made me start crying - but it was like a 2-minute scene! We couldn't have cut that stupid K/J/R scene for more closure on Nate?? There's something to him being back in the same place but more secure in himself, but we didn't actually get to see him choose it in any real way.

I was a big Ted/Rebecca fan in the earlier seasons, but I truly would have fine with them being completely platonic, and by the middle of this season, I was thinking they probably would be. Unfortunately, by this episode they don't even feel like friends anymore. Again, Ted is just doing absolutely nothing during their scene in the stands, and barely anything more at the airport scene. Where's the trust? The openness? And again, all the hints, the misdirects, the biscuits with the boss, the army men... and for what? To barely look each other in the eye, to leave with no promise that they'll ever see each other again?

Again, I do think the montage towards the end was a dream, but Rebecca reuniting with the Dutch guy felt like another really sloppy ending. We didn't spend an entire episode with them specifically not learning each other's names for them to suddenly be soulmates

Overall, I felt like this season varied in quality pretty drastically from episode to episode. I do think part of it was that they wrote seasons 1 and 2 back-to-back before any of it was released, and then this season was written after the huge response to the first two seasons. The rest of this is pure speculation, but I've thought a couple times this season that it felt a little "tryhard", like they were suddenly self-conscious of the goofiness and earnestness of the show but still wanted to do it. And now it feels like all of that led to last-minute rewrites, plots getting shifted around due to audience reactions, and maybe some marvel-style spoiler avoidance (that thing where whenever something leaks/gets guessed, they just change the script to something else to 'preserve the surprise' even if it makes no sense). It's fine when this show is predictable! The first two seasons were still fun when they were predictable!! It seems a little bit like this season was left open-ended in case they decide to do another season or something, but they did the rest of the show such a disservice by doing this that I'm not that interested in anything else they want to say past this point. This whole season, all the plot threads that went nowhere, I still trusted that the writers had a plan to tie it all together in the end because they've done it before, and this is what we got.

There's a place for ambiguity, but when everything is left ambiguous it's just sloppy. If we weren't sure where Ted's mind was at OR Roy/Keeley/Jamie was still up in the air OR Nate's future was uncertain OR Rebecca had maybe found a healthy relationship... any of those would have been fine, but when you have all of them unresolved it feels like no one wanted to commit to actually ending the thing.

whew. anyway. it's just such a bummer when a show you've gotten invested in shoots itself in the foot like this. this post is already too long but i'm going to end with the moments i did like:

I actually liked (most of) the opening scene, it made me laugh maybe more than anything else. I had just convinced myself that no, they're never actually going to have a canonical throuple on this show, and then I really thought for a second that they just plunked Ted/Rebecca/Beard down in front of us with no warning lol

Colin! I'm happy he got his happy ending.

Frankly, my general disinterest in Trent and, to a lesser extent, Colin, really stemmed from the fandom valorization of them from the very first season. It felt like (and I think it was, at least for a while!) that very Tumblr thing of "paying vastly more attention to conventionally attractive white men in very minor roles than any women or people of color that have actual storylines". But they had really good storylines this season - some of the better ones - and I really enjoyed them as written! I just still find their fandoms kind of annoying.

The scenes with Jamie and Roy (before they go to Keeley's) were mostly really lovely. I think that's been the strongest subplot of this season, and it's been a real joy to watch.

(i just realized 'joy' could be a ship name for jamie/roy lmao)

In a general sense, I really like that a lot of the major characters did not end up in romantic relationships, because those aren't the most important journeys they went on. Obviously I have quibbles about the execution (and larger quibbles about the ones who did (see above)), but I love that as an overall message.

Roy going to therapy!! You absolutely love to see it!!!

i keep trying to think of other stuff and keep coming up with more stuff i'm irritated about and it's past midnight so i'm going to stop lol. definitely going to be sitting on this episode/show for a bit but. yeah

The return of the Believe sign. As I've said, I'm a sucker for some well-timed cheese, and that was a really sweet scene.

ETA: OH the diamond dogs scene was actually lovely!! It got so lost in the rest of this episode but it was the only part that attempted to address the actual themes of the show!

[mrstsung]

Vent below if you like liu kang this post isn't for you. This is basically an anti liu kang and really angry post.

Giving y'all a warning.

Again DNI if you like liu kang or "stan" him. Or are a fire god liu kang fan. Because this post isn't for you.

Like I'm giving a warning for a reason because im not gonna be nice rn. I choose violence today ok?

Trying to cite warnings and tag this so people don't get up in arms. (Which they may anyways but hey thats on them if they click further)

Cw:vent,angry admin.

Last warning. If you like liu kang. Plz for the love of god dni and keep scrolling. But if you dont like him. And especially hate fire god liu kang. Plz Continue.

Vent below cut

If you like or stan liu kang but more so mk12/mk1 god *redacted titans derogatory* liu kang.

Kick rocks. He's an asshole. Have a nice die liu kang. 💀🗑⚰

Nah. You can miss me with that. Liu kang deserves nothing but death and suffering. In fact everyone BUT shang tsung deserves it.

Nah if yall would have gave shang something actually decent,livable,love and care,maybe a fucking decent friend that wasn't a previous roster member?,etc. None of this would be a problem. But nope. Liu kang had to be a petty whore bitch with bias agenda. Could have made him evil and made him like dark raiden. But nope you had to make him insufferable and unlikable.

Like a guy who hides behind the im nice,till you disagree or reject his ideals and suddenly you're gaslighted and given shit. Omg much like religious indoctrination. How interesting. But they dont wanna talk about that.

People don't wanna talk about how shitty the writing is. But people don't care so as long as the characters are pretty and fuckable enough. But the more things change the more they stay the same i guess.

Everytime i see mk12/mk1 liu kang i wanna spit on him and punch him and set him on fire and just want him dead and gone for good. Because i fucking hate him. I have never hated even kronika this bad,more so i felt she was a waste of potential, and redundant af. Nah He deserves die.

Like go to Super hell liu kang. Piss off with your shitty fanfic Timeline. Loser bitch ass hiding behind a fake ass smile and preaching peace. Peace my ass. Shit happened anyways. Makes fucking shinnok look like a fucking saint sweetheart in comparison.

Like im not even joking. I don't even care about his reasons. I dont even care what canon says. Or these fucking mk1 liu kang fans say anymore. Im tired.

Which we all know it's because he has weird hang ups over kitana when he could have just fucking left,said fuck it and married her anyways. She would have said yes. But he had to be weird about it,roundabout af,and make everyone suffer because he couldn't get edanian pussy.

Or it's because maybe he thinks he can do better than raiden. The arrogant prick. Nah that god dilf raised you and you give him this shit?! After all he went through?! Thi s is the thanks you give him?! Liu kang im not just disappointed in you im disappointed in the fact raiden didn't kill you off when he had the chance when he went dark. Would've Saved us a shitty game and a half.

Like liu kang did all the things and still had bad things if not worse things. Happen. Preaching peace and prosperity my ass. Fake ass ugly ass hoebag bitch. I hope he chokes on his spit in his sleep. I hope sand get in his ass and never comes out. I hope he dies from this bullshit lame tarkat disease and gets ultra mega plague. I just fucking hate it man.

The villains are lame. The story is lame. Liu kangs fanfic is lame. And nrs is lame.

I'd rather deal with the shitty 2021 movie than this shit. I'd rather deal with shitty writing in mk11 than this. Fr. At least it's entertaining shit.

And shang tsung isn't a fucking dumpster fire in the story. Shao kahn while a meathead is still terrifying. Quan chi isn't there but in 10 he was fucking beeeeeast. Shinnok. Poor shinnok. You deserve better. Cetrion was a waste. Kronika too. Geras was actually scary,but now he's a tool.

Legitimately the gameplay is just juggle better,gimmicky kameos bullshit,and same ol crap different wrapper.

Mk12/mk1? More like mk11.5 . Nothing changes thats worth the money.

I can find better shit on emulators.

Graphics aside what does the new game really truly have to offer? Nothing.

Wishful thinking. Like a bag of lays chips but unlike potato chips which is useful. This game sadly. Is not.

(Liu kang is only valid if he's from the 95 movie thats it. Fuck every other version. But even then it's thin ice at this point. Nrs has ruined liu kang for me.)

So yeah kick rocks liu kang. I hate liu kang and anyone who stans his ass rn in the story and the new game can fuck right off.

[fentrashcat]

Okay so I said I'd try to write something up today, but it will probably be kind of jumbled. Tbh mostly a vent post.

General warnings for: the shitty side of disability, ablism(i think, adding just incase), mild descriptions of tics and tic attacks, self injurious tics, and probably some other things that I can't think of rn but will update if I do.

⚠️ everyone with Tourette's or tic disorders will have different experiences, this is just mine.

In general, I always say laughter is how I best cope with my tics, but that's been really hard lately.

Over the course of maybe 2 weeks, I've had at least 5 major attacks, most of which is happening in my home, which is where I would usually go to STOP attacks. It's been storm season, my neighbors think 4th of July is month round, my house is getting some repairs, my mom has moved back in with me, and one of her dogs is a puppy. I don't want to say behavioral issues bc she is just a puppy, but she is a chronic chewer and has destroyed quite a few things, as well as being ✨️very✨️ vocal. There is also the general chaos of introducing 2 dogs into a household of 2 cats.

I'm sure I've mentioned it but big triggers for my tics are stress, anxiety, general discomfort, and lack of sleep. Sudden loud/sharp noises will also set them off. I'm of course getting hit from every trigger, constantly, for the past few weeks. Doesn't help that the heat index is 100+F (37.7C) with 80% humidity and I'm on three meds that make me overheat faster than normal.

Along side the attacks I've developed new tics, and had the first urges for directly self injurious tics (I suppressed it and that seems to have stopped it but it was scary as hell). I've hurt myself while ticcing before, but it was always accidental. Like the tic wasn't to hit something it was just to move my arm and something was in the way. These ones however were meant to hurt me.

My new tics are also really frustrating bc they mess with my breathing (I'm already asthmatic and fighting a never ending battle with my lungs), and another one makes me feel physically ill bc it's like my abdomin flexes really hard and squeezes my stomach. I've also developed two new word tics. For comparison I usually get 5 or so new tics a year (ones happening over the course of multiple days, not counting weird one off days), 1-2 might stick around more than a week, and old ones sometimes fade out. I've counted 6 new tics and 2 new urges in just this month.

My family is trying so hard but really struggling to understand how to help/how to handle it. A big thing for me is headphones. My family is aware headphones on for loud things and that they are used to block sound. However, my grandfather will try to talk to me and ask me to do things despite being told I can't hear. I can read lips but he doesn't always face me when talking and when he gets frustrated it makes me anxious. So I either end up ticcing bc I'm anxious, or ticcing bc I had to take off my headphones while it was still loud. If he would just face me when speaking, or text me, or use gestures I would gladly help, but he doesn't think about that.

My mom and aunt also ended up setting me off at a family dinner. They tried not to but it didn't work and set me off multiple times. My mom was trying to tell my aunt about my new word tic and my aunt thought it was an old one. My aunt spelled out one of my tic words, thinking that would avoid triggering it. It still triggered but I suppressed it bc I didn't want to throw my pizza. My mom, thinking it worked, spelled out my new word tic, and set it off. Then one of my dumb triggers got mentioned and I ended up set off again. I know they didn't mean to do it but it really sucked 😅

My family also doesn't really understand that Tourette's is a developmental disorder and that it changes over time. My tics weren't really noticeable when I was younger and had a lot less triggers, thus not being diagnosed until ~17. So I get a lot of comments about how I used to be. "You used to love fireworks!" I know, I still do, I just struggle to watch them knowing that at any moment one wrong timing will set me off. "You never let things stop you before" you're right, I was stubborn as hell. I still am, I just have to be more aware that I DO have limitations. I push those limitations frequently and usually end up suffering for it. Even something like "they weren't this bad last year" like yeah, I know. I am HIGHLY aware that they are worse, idk what you want me to say.

My mom hasn't helped bc it feels like she simultaneously is putting me on a pedestal and being frustrated with me. She has tics, namely echolalia and responses to my tics, but isn't diagnosed Tourettic. She was having tics at work and told her coworkers what they are and that I have them, then follows it up with "being around you makes me feel more comfortable with mine" and I geuss it was meant as I seem at ease with my tics 90% of the time so she's getting more at ease with hers. Which is great of course, I love that she is letting herself be, but the other 10% of the time, when I'm having severe enough attacks that I can't do things, she seems upset that I'm not doing anything.

But bc I'm helping mom feel at ease, I feel weirdly guilty when my tics get me worked up. At one point I even voiced the wish to be "normal" (I hate that word but I was VERY distressed), and my mom was like "you are your normal" or "you don't have to be normal" which is all well and good, but I just threw 3 things in succession, slammed my hand into the window and ticced myself into a migraine. A part of me feels like I'm not allowed to be upset because this was the hand I was dealt and usually I'm really positive about it, so when I'm not positive it feels like a betrayal of myself? Idk how to explain it really. Like "how dare I get upset when my disability disables me! I'm supposed to be inspiration" Despite literally no one except my mom telling me that I inspire them to be comfortable with themselves. It makes 0 sense but I can't logic illogical thoughts into submission.

In conclusion- I'm fucking exhausted and idk what to do anymore. Sorry for the long ass post of me just complaining, ik it's not the greatest read. I hope its at least somewhat sensibly arranged bc i have no brain rn. If you stuck around to this point thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day.

Also if you saw this post when I accidentally posted it unfinished and you came back, thank you so much, I really appreciate your patience.

[letstrywritingmaybe]

Starting to think me being productive is the reason for my sports woes, so maybe I should stop writing. Meanwhile I finally wrote snow on the beach for midnights. I’m gonna chill for real though and read my books I got from the library that I haven’t touched yet

Update: I know I said no writing. But I just have to note googling lawyer from reading through emails to make sure they’re not divorce lawyers as an idea. Group chat convos that are not fandom related can also lead to great inspo

Update 2: still very much stuck on this ship and got no reading done. It hasn’t even been a full day. Good news is I wrapped all of my Christmas presents! And I have no desire to write so I guess I’m still going strong on the no more writing and see if that ends my sports woes. Will still be doing my regular updates though. And while I’m here, I reread my green card au today and it’s so self indulgent, I’m so happy I wrote it. I was kinda stressed while writing it and I wasn’t super happy with the ending at first, but when I went to reread it today I was like you know what? This reads like a shitty drama, and I’m okay with that. I mean I used to watch terrible dramas all the time, and I liked some of them. They can’t compare to the really good ones, but they have their moments. So yeah. I’m glad I wrote it and included American references cause it’s what I know

Update 3: I know I have no business saying shit cause I’ve written it before, but idk if I could see them cheating tbh. At least not in canon, which kinda gave me an idea that’s semi similar to a fic I read before… but I digress cause I’m still on my own writers strike. I think I’ve been ruined by the summer series and the vampire diaries, I’m really not fond of brothers fighting for the same person. Even if that person is my queen, it’s just so messy! So awkward too once you get past the initial stuff that people find intriguing about love triangles. Best case scenario in my eyes will always be the person they fight over doesn’t choose either and the brothers are cool again. But that never happens. I’m very family oriented so it just makes me sad to think that it fucks everything up. I know I’ve written about messy ship drama, but I don’t think I’m fond of reading it. Even when I’m writing it myself I’m kinda just like why is this happening? I don’t enjoy the process, but sometimes the story calls for it. Cause my fics write themselves and have a mind of their own. Idk I would just rather it be a non family member fighting for my queen. Plus in the context of shinshi versus CoShi, shinshi wins every time for me. I like when they both take the antidote or they both stay as their shrunken forms. I like when they’re equals. It’s literally the reason why I’ve never written a ShinAi fic despite it being popular. I hate the idea of it. I’m such a hater of the canon ship that I hate them even getting a shot for like ten years while my queen doesn’t get to move on. That’s so unfair. I would much rather she get to date and try and fall in love with other people too, instead of just waiting for him to turn around and realize he loves her. *sigh I just read some fics and I’m having mixed feelings, so I’m venting here cause I’m not an asshole who says mean shit in comments. Easiest way to get on my shit list is to hide behind screens and spread hatred, we get enough of that irl

Update 4: I was onto something about not writing to end my sports woes! My pens won!!! And we scored TWO Power Play Goals!!!! And a shortie!!! And it was big Jeff Carter!??!!?? Alright, I guess I should never write again. But to celebrate I will probably post the last chapter of devour so I can wrap up another wip

[kokokerome]

more vents

this blog is and has always been a vent blog so if you don't wanna hear me cry and rant just don't look? I had such a good day today with my bf as he took me out on a little date day. He paid for my hair and nails and got me food and just cuddled. He apologized since he knows he's a fault. I forgive him, some internet drama isn't gonna break my relationship. He was really just pissed off over people making fun of our characters and my art. It's funny watching the people against me post that he's me of he's not real as if I haven't been posting about him for years on numerous of accounts.

Still though I'm sad. Like really fucking sad. I was bullied and made fun of behind my back by a artist I still really respected and then had my characters ripped apart. Characters I really adore. I even lost some of the art I was given and I had some artists I commissioned that I've been trying to contact again. It's like every month something shitty happens to me. I get a blink of happiness and just get teared down. I've always been depressed and even suicidal. The only coping mechanism I had was my art and is and I'm not even allowed to enjoy those anymore. Life feels so bleek. All this started because of some dumb cat oc. I just want to go back to my life a couple months ago. When I didn't have to be constantly dmed by people asking me to expose miorjah, or people showing me what miorjah said, or what they're up to. I can't even focus on my studies, I'm already broke, I can barely pay bills. Only thanks to the influx of commisions have I been making it by. So thank you to those people. But I feel so unmotivated. Even drawing now I just cry. I cry over characters I originally had a connection to but can't even look at without thinking of people who hate me.

What sucks is even through this I can't just disappear. I still need to make money, I still need to finish commissions and ychs. I'm being forced to keep staying in an environment where I'm contestantly being beat down. I'm not even allowed to move on apparently as every post I make gets discussed like I'm some terrible problematic person. Even the most innocent of things like me advertising my commissions, only to learn miorjahs fans are telling my clients to not commision me. Or me posting the writings of my ocs. Only for people to say I'm a bad writer and that my stories copy miorjahs. I can't even ignore everything, I've blocked and deleted so many crude messages and comments. But it's too overwhelming, I literally go into a panic attack every Dm I get because I don't know what will be there when I open it. I've havent really spoken on my mental state during this situation but it's broken. I've been broken down, congrats to miorjah, you won. You got what you wanted, my archive is banned. My art is hated, and nobody wants me around anymore. Can't wait for someone to dm me their celebration of my takedown on their discord even though I don't want to see it.

I would beg to be left alone but that's harrassment according to toyhouse. I'm gonna go quiet and just post art and keep writing when I can. I can't interact with the art community anymore.

[1000-directions]

hello!! happy new year!! i hope this isn’t too forward, but i just wanted to say i was really glad to see that you’re continuing your daily good things posts in 2022. they were a really bright spot for me in 2021, and it is just really cool to see that as a regular practice on my dash to remind me to check in about good things in my own life. best of new years to you!!

happy new year, anon!! i'm really glad you've been enjoying the posts. i've definitely had points where i wondered if they were annoying, but ultimately, i do them for me, and i've accepted that they may not be for everyone. it's a cool side benefit that it helps me feel connected to my friends, lets people know what's going on in my life. but the primary reason for the posts is to force me to focus on good things for my own mental well being.

enough time has passed that this probably seems like ~my thing~ now, but the good stuff posts were actually the idea of @halfsoured back in january 2018, which was an excruciatingly bad time in my life. i've been doing these in stops and starts over the last four years, and sometimes it's very easy to think of good things, but i find it most important to make these posts when it's challenging. when everything feels bad and shitty and i want to give up, it's vital that i find ways to focus on and celebrate the little good things, even if that's just like, i had a good cup of coffee, i watched a tv show i liked, no one yelled at me today, i wore my favorite pajama pants.

i highly recommend taking some time at the end of the day to reflect on the good moments, especially if they are hard to find. and if they are impossible to find, if you're going to bed in a few hours and you literally can't think of a single good thing that happened, you have an opportunity to make a good thing for yourself, whether that's having a snack you like, doing a simple chore, or reaching out to a friend to say hi. i cannot tell you how many times in the last year the only reason i loaded my dishwasher or did my laundry was because i needed to write about a good thing.

and obviously, a lot of bad things have been happening, too. these past few years have been difficult. i've felt very lonely and isolated at times, i've watched friendships wither beyond repair, my friend died of covid, my job has become sometimes unbearable and completely unrecognizable from the job i signed up for, my relationship with my parents is the worst it's ever been, etc etc etc. and sometimes it feels like that's what i want to dwell on, like i want to vent and dissect and scream and cry about that stuff. and i still do, but just not here. it's easy to focus on that stuff, but this is a deliberate shift from that mindset. this is me at the end of the day deciding that what i am going to carry forward are the good moments, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem. it doesn't fix the problems, but at least it helps me have a few moments of peace before i go to bed.

anyway! i'm not someone who makes resolutions, but if you are, and if you're looking for something small and achievable, i highly recommend doing something like this! you don't have to do it on tumblr, you could write it in a journal, or just do it in your head. i do recommend recording it though, because sometimes it is nice to just go back through the years and look at all the small things that add up to some pretty great memories.

thank you for taking the time to send this to me! it was extremely kind, and it's always gratifying to hear that something i did mattered to someone else. i hope you have a really, really great new year!

[bunnis-babes]

🩸Kuroo Relationship Hcs🩸

I want so badly to get back into writing and finish up the requests I have. But to do that I’ll have to get back into writing. So I’m just going to write a few things that make me excited, just simple little things I’ve been too scared to do since I kind of left y’all hanging out to dry. I’m not sure if I deserve to come back after all I’ve done, but I’m going to try and I’m going to try to come back better.

🩸We already know it’s a miracle he even got to date you, he’s not gonna fuck up this chance.

🩸Mad Lesbian vibes. So respectful of you and your ideals and all that shit while also disrespecting you and all your ideals and shit.

🩸The BIGGEST TEASE. Like what a fucking RAT this one.

🩸It’s like everything you do he’ll make fun of you for it (in a cute way ofc).

🩸And he never lets you live shit down either. Like never ever.

🩸That one time you laughed so hard at his shitty science joke milk come out, one of his favorite memories. You tripped down the stairs and landed on your ass and then farted, first thing he tells your parents when he meets them.

🩸But really, he does it out of love. He likes seeing you flustered and smiling over all the embarrassing shit you’ve done. You can almost think of it as a way to desensitizing yourself to all the stupid shit that happens so it doesn’t sting so much thinking about it.

🩸Speaking of! This boy wants you to be happy all the time! He’s going to go at your pace, be it slow or really fast.

🩸If you love PDA he is your guy because he loves PDA. Especially in front of Yaku.

🩸Hand holding, arm wrapped around your shoulder, kisses and hugs. The whole package.

🩸He never half asses it either. It’s either full on kisses or hugs or whatever or nothing at all because that’s the type of person he is.

🩸If it’s a halfhearted kiss he’s gonna make you do it again. An awkward side hug? Uh-uh, he’s gonna stop you and make you hug him the ✨right way✨

🩸Of course, he’s not really… good at it at first, and he’ll be blushing like a dumbass because he’s getting touched by the person he loves… but its sweet and he gets better overtime.

🩸Did someone say ‘emotionally available’? Cause Kuroo heard it, and he’s here for it.

🩸He’s going to be open with you, because he trusts you and he wants you to trust him. (🥺) He’s gonna tell you what he’s feeling, and all he want is for you to listen.

🩸If he had a really tough loss to some other volleyball team he’s going to go to you. He’s gonna cry, and then he’s gonna take you out to get something to eat.

🩸Same goes for you, if you need to vent he’s the best bitch for it.

🩸He’s ready to listen to you before you can even say “So today this bitch-“ also ready to throw hands with whoever that is

🩸Dates with him are few and far because of work and volleyball and school work. You know, the fun stuff.

🩸But when they do happen? Oh honey.

🩸He will absolutely go all out as a sorry. Fancy restaurants, amusement parks, expensive jewelry and candies and all that sweet stuff.

🩸Though his personal favorites are when you go to museums with him and listen to him nerd out about everything there. It really cements to him how much he loves you.

🩸He def calls you kitten, its his favorite, but he probably also calls you something stupid and nerdy like ‘my mitochondria✨💖😍~~’ or something else unattractive.

🩸Oh! Oh! His ears are very sensitive, if you touch them he’ll shiver and almost purr like a cat!

🩸Hates it when you do it around anyone, so feel free to do it around everyone to see his face light up like Christmas lights.

🩸Its what he deserves :)

🩸Overall he’s a very sweet loving boyfriend, and just wants to do this right. ❤️

A/N: Ahhhhh! This felt really good to write. I’ve been kind of too scared to write anything at all, so getting this done was so nice. I feel so excited to post again, but I’m also scared since I don’t think I am allowed to post after all my breakdowns and broken promises. Still, I’m going to try, so here’s my mediocre pick up. I hope you enjoyed 💖

[everybodyscupoftea]

Hi can you please write something angsty for frat!jj when they’re already dating. Something where he has to fight for her. Idk you pick the scenario 😂

kinda mentioned this scenario in this post about the reader being clingy, so i’ll go more into it now!

super easy for me to write because this has happened to me hahaha i love men :)

warnings: cursing, lack of editing

jj’s big brother had a date with a girl in one of his classes and he was nervous about it, so he asked jj if the two of you would go on a double date with them to help carry conversation.

you agreed, kind of excited because it was your first double date as a couple (not including the one with cody and tyler that was technically a crashed date). on top of that the restaurant was really fancy, and not one jj would normally pick but his big wanted to shell out, so jj agreed.

while you were getting ready, your roommate came and sat on your bed to watch you do your makeup and catch up. you were squirming a bit, in excitement, and after telling you about her classes, she sighed, “okay, gush about your date.”

so you did, “he’s great, things are going amazing. i’ve honestly never felt like this before.”

she was smiling softly at you and your face heated up, “what?”

“nothing. this is just cute, like you’ve been crushing on him for so long, it’s nice to see.”

before you could respond, your phone started ringing, interrupting your music, and you smiled at seeing jj’s name.

“hey, bub,” you answered, setting down your mascara wand.

“hey, babe. i’m so sorry, but our other couple bailed and i’m not feeling too good. would you mind if i called in and cancelled the reservation.”

“oh,” you deflated a little, “yeah, that’s okay. you want me to get something delivered to the house?”

“no, i’m probably just going to sleep it off.”

“okay, that’s fine. let me know how you’re doing when you wake up, yeah?”

“yeah. thanks for understanding, sweetheart.”

“anytime,” you whispered, dropping the phone from your ear as soon as you heard the dial tone.

your roommate got up from the bed and wrapped her arm around you, “what happened?”

“jj’s coming down with something, so he cancelled. guess i’m here alone for the evening.”

she frowned, “i’m so sorry, dude, i’d hang out with you but i made plans already. you good to stay alone? i’m sure they’d be chill with you coming to dinner with us?”

“nah, i’m good, promise.”

so she left to get ready and you changed out of your nice outfit for leggings and a t-shirt. wrapping yourself in a blanket, you parked it on the couch, ordered pizza, and put on a movie for then night.

weirdly jj texted you around 10 p.m. apologizing, and you frowned, sending back.

it’s all good, you can’t control it or anything

-

it didn’t come up again until a few weeks later when cody, tyler, and you were eating burritos at a place off campus. cody was ragging on tyler for a shitty night he had in a house video game tournament.

“yeah, like you did any better, jj swept the whole fucking house.”

“he got lucky,” cody defended, “he wasn’t even supposed to take part in it anyway.”

you laughed, “both of you guys just suck. when was this? i’m shocked jj didn’t brag about it immediately.”

tyler chewed a bit of burrito with a shrug, “i don’t know, like maybe 3 friday’s ago?”

you frowned and took out your phone, scrolling back through your texts to see the timestamp of the friday he cancelled on you. it was three weeks. your chest ached a little, but you tried to hide your disappointment when you answered, “oh, gotcha.”

cody didn’t process your tone change, but tyler gave you a look. he frowned, “wait, what’s up?”

“oh, nothing. i just, are you sure that was the night?”

“yeah,” cody said, mid-bite.

“is something wrong?” tyler asked.

“yeah, i just, i thought he was sick that night?” you mumbled.

“nope, maybe he was saturday, we drank a lot that night, but friday he was all good,” tyler told you, looking confused.

“oh, well, we were supposed to go on a date, but he cancelled super last minute.”

“that would explain the last minute join,” cody responded, not looking up. 

tyler, looking at you, elbowed him and hissed, “dude, shut the fuck up.”

“what?” cody asked, defensively.

when tyler elbowed him again, cody looked up and caught sight of your face. it must’ve had a weird look because cody shoved his food away and reached for your hand, “wait what did you just say?”

“we had plans that night. he told me he was sick.”

tyler sighed, “oh fuck, that’s not good.”

-

cody drove the three of you back to the house in relative silence, interrupted infrequently by empty threats from tyler. jj was sitting in the living room when you got there, looking up when you walked in and narrowly ducking to avoid getting hit by the burrito tyler threw at his head.

“what the fuck?” jj asked with a laugh, “gotta give me a heads up. normally people do so by yelling hands.”

tyler didn’t laugh. he and cody stood on opposite sides of you, each with an arm around your shoulders, and jj stood up, looking concerned. tyler took a small step in forward, “great advice, next time i’ll throw harder.”

jj furrowed his eyebrows, “is something wrong?”

“i don’t know, maybank, you tell me,” cody practically growled.

“not that i’m aware of,” jj responded, eyes moving between the three of you.

“congrats on that apex tournament win,” you offered weakly.

“oh, thanks,” jj told you before his eyes went wide and the blood drained from his face. he looked rattled, and it felt kind of good to have the upper hand for once in the whole shitty situation.

tyler moved his arm from around your shoulder and fully stepped in front of you when jj reached for you, “yeah, not today, buddy. we’re going to take her home and you can figure out how to properly apologize.”

-

after they took you home, you didn’t hear from jj until nightfall. he texted you asking to meet for breakfast before your first class to talk it out. so you picked the shittiest diner near your apartment and agreed to meet him there at 7:30.

he pulled up and parked next to you, getting out first to open your car door and help you out. you sighed, “morning, jj.”

jj leaned down for a kiss, frowning when you turned your head. he hesitated, “morning. you, uh, you hungry?”

“a little.”

you followed him in, it was awkward, unlike anything the two of you had ever had to deal with before, and it felt weird. the night before you’d been venting to your roommate. you cried and she told you, “tell him if he doesn’t straighten up, you’re gone. the two of you are adults, tell him to fucking act like it.”

your orders were the first time the two of you talked besides greetings. another thing your roommate suggested was that you let him talk first since he was in the wrong. you were worried you’d be waiting forever if you did.

“i’m sorry,” he started, breaking the silence just after your food arrived.

“for what?”

“lying.”

you nodded, “why couldn’t you just tell me the truth?”

“it seemed like it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. one of the boys was going through a breakup and the tournament was a cheer up thing for him. i wanted to be there.”

“our plans had mostly fallen through, why didn’t you just tell me that’s the reason. i would’ve been disappointed, sure, but i wouldn’t have demanded you take me out still.”

jj frowned, shoving his eggs around his plate, “i felt really shitty about it. i know you’re really reasonable with that kind of stuff, but i don’t know. i didn’t want to hurt your feelings. and i figured some space would be good.”

“well,” you laughed bitterly, “look where we are now. i’d say you’re getting your wish.”

“i really am sorry, i won’t do it again.”

“just eat, we’ll figure it out later. i just needed to hear an explanation.”

he looked like he wanted to argue, but did as you said. eventually you’d forgive him, but you needed some time to be hurt about it first. the fact that his first plan was to lie to you was concerning. you’d watched all his failed relationships over the years, what made you think you were going to be different?

jj paid when the two of you left and stopped you before you could get into your car. grabbing your shoulder, he asked, “are we okay?”

“i,” you paused, “we can be. but if you lie to me about the little stuff, the superficial shit, how can i trust you’ll be honest with me about the big stuff?”

shoving his hands in his pockets, he nodded, “you’re right.”

“on top of that, how can i trust anything you’ve told me since we’ve started dating is true? that night the girl was hanging off of you and you said you wouldn’t let her take it farther, was that true?”

“babe,” he tried to interrupt.

“no, listen to me,” you warned, “honesty is important to me, and if i catch you in another lie, it’s over. no three strikes, you get one more chance.”

his face lit up, “i promise, no more lies.”

“good.”

you let him finally pull you into a hug and blinked back tears, really hoping you hadn’t just set yourself up for further heartbreak.

[manjuhitorie]

tat - Shinoda’s Hitori-Atelier blog posts - REAMP Digest volume 4

Shinoda’s blog post via Hitori-Atelier! Please consider joining Hitori-Atelier and supporting Hitorie’s ventures today. How-to here: https://boatmanju.wixsite.com/hitorietranslations/hitorie-atelier 

It’s already been 3 months since REAMP was released, time really flies.

In that short bit of time we’ve already planned a tour ahead of us, and were given the opportunity to do the opening for the anime ‘86′. Let’s fucking go~~~~~ Is everyone faring well? I've recently rekindled my passion for sampling, I haven't felt like this in years. I'm taking free samples I find strewn across the internet and turning them into techno. I kinda remember mentioning my appreciation for techno in vol. 1 of this blog series, and yeah. I'm finally trying it out for myself. I've managed to make a pretty sick song if I do say so myself. You'll find it on Hitori-Atelier soon enough. (＊This is most likely the song titled 'mad candy', found in 'Shinoda's Contents') It's fun 'cause compared to vocal stuff, I use a whole different part of my brain to make techno. I say "This part of this sample has a good beat to it, I bet if I rearranged it like this it would make music~" and do it. Relatively speaking, this kinda music making matches my personality type really well. I feel like I've found a fucking good hobby for myself here. With that said, even though it’s a hobby, work is still work so the collateral damage of music-making is still vividly affecting my body. Like music is still music, and with the way I tunnel vision I'll end up at my desk for an obscene amount of hours. By the time I'm done with it physically and mentally I'm a wreck. Like the fuck do I mean by hobby, is this some kinda shitty joke Shinoda? Anyway let's talk about 'tat'. The question as to what the title means comes first. Initially I wanted to name this song "刺青(meaning tattoo)". Because the song ‘Perfume’ by ‘Eito’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MjAJSoaoSo) was a huge hit at that time so yeah.. But that idea failed ygarshy's inspection so I had no choice but to look around for a word similar to tattoo.

That was when I found photos of tattoos on Instagram with the hashtag #tat. This is it, I said. As a slang tat can mean many other things as well but I forget what they were. I'm sure you can find out if you look it up but, take note that none of it has much to do with the song itself. I considered '#tat' for the title as well, but it was too lame so I pulled back. This song was written when the album was almost finished and most songs ready: I reviewed the album as whole and felt that something was missing. I had wanted something with now tat’s tempo and mood to it to tie the album together. It turned out really well, if I may say so myself. Isn't it a great song though? I feel like all my efforts were worthwhile... It's fun to let the creative juices flow and write with whatever comes to mind. I tried to make the amount of guitar notes concise and solid. The tone was supposed to be graceful too but... ygarshy swooped in with a kick and his bass so heavy it sounds like he's blasting music from a little motorcycle. The melody too has the same makings as the hits these days. It’s about someone of the opposite sex with a bold tattoo who’s stuck in days of ennui, and me who’s gazing from afar wondering what these feelings inside me are. It’s about that sorta thing (?) - I think I managed to express it (????) The beat isn’t made to be far off from modern tuning either. I’m sure I could’ve harmonized it even better but, at the time I found good reason to make it more rock band-y, so I have no regrets. I only wish I made the song name something easier to find via search. It’s so hard to find the people talking about it... Starting with a verse and closing a song with that same verse is great, ain’t it. I’ve always liked songs with a bit of a whacky structure to them, Like November in HOWLS, it goes from verse 2 back to verse 1 then into the instrumental break. If you think it’s just any old number then prepare to be sorely mistaken - Or, that kind of fetishy stuff is important for music if you ask me. I received a fair lot of praise from people in the song-writing industry about tat, I’m happy. Though I’m not sure about the lyrics. Someone from our workplace told me that “Mushy gushy heart-wrenching lyrics would fit well”, so I sought out to do exactly that. The only problem is that my expression of mushy gushy made that person from work go “????” so making people’s heart clench is hard shit. This doesn’t leave here okay.. My dismay over the discontinuation of Chikyuu Monogatari is vented in here a bit as well. Though I don’t think Chikyuu Monogatari is boring. Not really. I saw a few people say that ‘tat’ is like the evolution of cakebox. And it makes sense to me now that y’all say it. cakebox was my solo project I did back in my mid-20’s. I made 3 mini pieces with 7 tracks and 1 EP with 4 tracks before stopping. I’m sure only like 10 people in the whole world ever listened to it. If you look it up you can still get it to listen too. Like an offering of random ass songs to my dead school life, I had a phase between my late teens and my early 20’s wherein I was obsessed with making songs using just my voice and guitar. The question of direction was beyond my consideration, I just sorta let the creative juices flow back then too and promptly set pen to paper. That was my creative process cycle. It was kinda like a diary. There’s barely any proper complete songs. The reason being that I completely lacked the skill necessary to make them proper. My guitar was alright but my singing wasn’t up to par, no one ever praised my voice at all. So I resolved that I just wasn’t cut out for it and strove to be a lead guitarist. Instead of my own songs I chose to go do band stuff, thus devoted myself to guitar.   Yet still my desire to make something proper stuck with me, and so soon after that I started a band in which I did guitar and vocals. we mashed stuff together and made song proper. Alas. Between creative differences and my own lack of ability, we were barely able to make something that I was proud of. After shit happened I ended up at home immersed in making my own songs. “Surely I could put all my experiences in bands and my own growth to good use, to turn my backlog of WIPs into something proper as well?” I thought to myself, and thus was the beginning of cakebox. I think that was the first time I ever got involved in making my own music through my own power. But my way of intense creation was too innocent for listeners or something, or like I wasn’t conscious enough of my headfirst personality... So I didn’t even have the sense to match the tuning up with modernity, and ultimately my work wasn’t clicking with society’s needs. That reality was crushing me more and more with every piece I made. I didn’t have absolute confidence in myself or conviction to push through either. After 3 albums the feeling of “Why am I even doing this” grew, and I found more purpose in Hitorie instead. From then on I devoted myself to Hitorie. These past few years in Hitorie have been nothing but learning experiences for me. After years of the four of us together stressing over what makes good music, I think my own work has leveled up as well. One thing I learned that has especially stuck with me, even now, is leader’s unwavering stance on “Believing that I’m just no matter what”.   For someone with my relative dispositions it’s a nigh impossible stance, and at often times I felt it was egoistic of him but... It’s what led him to create such powerful music, and it’s something we depended on greatly. The other day I gave Unhappy Refrain a full listen for the first time in a while. It’s perfect in every way, what the hell. Vocaloid as a genre was still establishing itself back then, and without a doubt this album served as a monument for the cause. The same way ‘my bloody valentine’’s ‘loveless’ was the cherry on top for the shoegazer genre. It’s made an immovable unsurpassable mark on music history. I really was in a band with a crazy person. To think that when I was in a band with him I more saw myself as the crazy amazing one. What the fuck was up my ass. I understand why felt the need for a band after making this album - why he brought us together - even more now. The obscene amount of notes in that album with a tone reeking of rock band stuff... It’s really flooded with his innocent yearning for rock music. I think the troubles he faced following Unhappy Refrain were the repercussions of him making such a huge monumental piece. But his stout core belief in himself - that he’s just - has stood equally as tall as that monument all the way. Now, after so many twists of fate.. I never thought I’d be writing AND singing my own songs for Hitorie like this. Except, one difference between the me of now VS. the me of old is that I don’t feel even a smidgen of unconfidence. I’m not worrying that I “don’t stand out” or “don’t suit societies needs” anymore. I feel like ‘tat’ might be the best song in the album (sorry ygarshy and Yumao). To the point that when people praise it I merely agree with them, “No lies detected” I say.

It’s all thanks to my time spent with Hitorie, the musical knowledge we sharpened, and the fact that my bandmates’ amazing performances have my back. If I don’t have something as big as this supporting me then I’ll just be a fucking chicken with no confidence in my music, after all. With that said, Music made by you yourself is an irreplaceable treasure, “If you made something good, then be proud”: this lesson of mindset was taught to me by Leader. It’s a really life-changing way to be so... If I mimic Leader at least this lil’ bit no one would make a bad face at me, right? What do y’all think? With that that said, the actual most pure thing that’s naturally come out of my head in years, with my actttual emotions stuffed in, is... The actttttual best song is “Utsutsu” if you ask me so. Look forward to the next entry of this blog series, y’hear me. Shinoda

[zombieratt]

Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

[rpbetter]

Today I learned a popular vent blog is repressing submissions about the drama with the now defunct resource blog. They probably have a relationship to the resource blog admin, or they are the admin. I know two people who sent submissions that were not published, but new submissions they made after were. The admin is silent after inquiries about it. They are ignoring everyone who tries to talk about it. It is so hard to find a place in the rpc that is transparent right now, a place that does not censor people who need to get things off their chest. Of all places that should keep their bias in check. It should not be a vent blog. That is one of the last places people go when they can not confide in their rp partners, or people in real life. Sometimes just having a vent post published can be everything. It is more silencing than people think.

Okay, I do know what you're talking about. I've said in the past that I specifically look around the RPC to gauge a rounder set of experiences, problems, etc. That blog is such a place that I have visited in the past to do so, and I have both noticed and been told what you're telling me now. I will admit, because I do believe in honesty here as a part of transparency one should strive to uphold off of their RP and personal blogs, that I have held exactly these suspicions since the blog choose to "handle" recent events the way they did. That is why I was paying attention to the disparity in both original submissions published and the responses to them.

What I have seen is a little uncomfortable feeling. It isn't just The Topic itself, it's also anything relating too closely to that mun's repeatedly expressed positions on things as well. Well, you know, a frightening number of people do feel the same way, do engage in those behaviors, so I am willing to believe that I am merely seeing shit where it doesn't exist. I am, after all, just a person, doing what people do, being fallible. I'm not acting on any information that anyone else out there isn't privy to, I also want t be clear about that. It's the opposite of my interest to withhold information, make it up, or inflame the situation.

Like everyone else in the RPC right now, it's incredibly difficult to not be suspicious. So many really ugly things were revealed and transpired, it was like every three hours there was something horrifying and new going on. And the way that it was left off, with the meme blog mun and with that vent blog just served to chafe those feelings for many.

So, again, while I am not trying to give this all a spritzer of gasoline, and neither am I acting on any knowledge none of you have, I've had suspicions since the time that vent blog decided that it was fully appropriate to refuse action for what went on that there was a bit of a personal connection going on. When your blog has established that it will mass-block people for far less, but suddenly, over this, it's a useless effort not going to help anyone? I'm sorry, that's suspicious to me. If nothing else, it was incredibly shitty to tell muns who were targetted because of interactions on their blog to just get over it and be adults when the adult thing is to approach the mods (hello, it does stand for moderator) with concerns, and this is a serious concern.

One that has done exactly as you say - effectively shut down venting and communication on that blog. I love that the direction is constantly to take things to the comments lmao gee, I wonder why no one is willing to openly comment anymore? Total mystery! Could it be that even you feel you can handle potential harassment, you don't want to endanger anyone else who might not be able to? Possibly.

Venting has a negative connotation here anyway, that doesn't help. Months before this all happened, I was seeing an increasing number of people equating such blogs to burnbooks, or at best, "childish echo chambers."

However, venting on one's own blog is not alright either. We're not supposed to have a visible problem with anyone or anything they're doing, ever. It's supposed to work out every time like this: you approach the person(s) causing you this problem and discuss it maturely with them in private, the issue is resolved, and everyone goes off into the sunset crapping rainbows. Double ones, even.

The problem is...it doesn't work out like that very often. That isn't to say it shouldn't be your first action, it should. Sometimes, especially if you've been both lucky and extremely careful about your writing partners, you'll be wonderfully surprised and it'll be a great conversation that helps both muns. So much of the time though, it instigates a fight because everyone is automatically defensive as hell, or one or both muns are so afraid of that happening that they'll refuse to have a meaningful confrontation (confrontation is not always negative, we need to stop viewing it that way). One or both say whatever is necessary to smooth over the problem, while they change nothing at all, making the feelings of anger so much worse.

And maybe, this problem isn't that big of a deal, one needs to work themselves up into addressing it, or they've cause to actually fear the other mun's response to them.

So, they have three options, and none of them is alright with the RPC:

vent to a friend - this is unacceptable because it is always seen as talking shit behind another mun's back, bringing drama to others, and trying to force people to take sides, no matter how much none of these may be the case and hold a lot of variables depending on the type of venting and the relationship of the muns involved

vent/vague on the dash - not always the same thing, not always occurring at the same time, and not always invalid either, but always viewed as incredibly malicious and wrong. Even if the result was either getting the friend who wouldn't stop refusing to engage to have a meaningful conversation with you or finding a new partner because someone else has been experiencing it too, you know you're not going to do this to each other, and a mutual you've been ignoring is now a valued partner

vent on a vent blog - seen as even worse than venting on one's blog in some corners because it's a more open to visit place, it's just stirring up drama and fights, this makes everyone feel vagued about and suspicions and accusations of being mentioned/mentioning someone run wild. Everyone wants a drama-free dash, no one wants to allow anyone a better place to do it

Venting is important. I think it is necessary to maintaining a less explosive environment. It's called "venting" for a reason!

Maybe it is the most ridiculous complaint in history, but those things do build. And build. And build. Until they blow up all over in someone's face, it might even be someone totally innocent who happened to be in the right place at the wrong time with exactly the worst coincidental words spoken to you. These places allow for people to get it out without hurting anyone's feelings or starting a massive argument when it wasn't even anything that serious. They offer, or used to, different perspectives that let muns feel seen while helping them to decide whether they are just blowing things out of proportion, misunderstanding/potentially unaware of another aspect, or even in a worse situation than they were allowing themselves to be aware of with a harmful relationship.

It goes beyond just venting when there are conversations going on about the topics! Sometimes, people just need to feel like they're not so isolated. Sometimes, they legitimately lack the tools and perspectives to approach a problem more directly or successfully. And yes, sometimes, they even need to see that this is kind of shitty of them and they should reevaluate.

Vent blogs are difficult to manage.

We all have biases, and when it comes to more personal situations we can recognize or see ourselves within, that is never more likely to become a point of extra difficulty to keep in check. This is actually why I left that vent blog the first time around, there was way too much bias being expressed with a mod taking it upon themselves to opine on submissions, fight with people about them, and refuse to post them while vaguing about them. Among other, increasingly perturbing behaviors I had no desire to keep seeing daily on my dash.

When you decide to create or accept a position moderating such a blog, you have to know that you will be thus challenged. Someone is going to vent about someone you'll recognize, a situation you feel passionately about, or say something in a vent that upsets you. You have got to remain visibly impartial. Go on and vent about it yourself to friends, write a post on your personal, do whatever the hell you need to in order to not be visibly biased and acting upon that bias.

I see blogs like this, as well as other places of moderation, often becoming incensed and offering the angry justification that "mods are people." Yes, I should hope you are! No one is saying you must be an impossibly perfect person without opinions, biases, or mistakes. We are holding you to a higher standard of you deal with these things out in the open where you hold this position, yes. That's literally what your job is, my friends. Go off about it, feel your feelings, even cultivate a block list from that blog! But you don't show it, you don't ever make people feel worse when the point of your blog is to allow them a voice.

The only time you need to give a personal opinion is when it is requested or you need to express that a submission was declined/comment had to be moderated due to you exercising your judgment that it violated the rules.

This is supposed to be a safe place for muns to anonymously let it out of their systems and discuss these topics. Not a place where they'll feel exposed, judged by the mods themselves, and denied a voice because of a mod's biases being exercised.

And I'm extremely sorry that people are being made to feel this way, all over again in some cases, because someone cannot handle the position they took up. I'm sorry for the whole community who has lost an important outlet. I wish that I could recommend another place for people to go that might provide a better experience, but as yet, I do not. Hopefully, that'll be changing in the near-enough future, but for right now...all of the vent blogs I was familiar with have long since closed down.

If anyone has any currently running vent blog suggestions, I'd love to know about them and share them! Please, they do have to be legitimate vent blogs. I'm not going to recommend here that might be too close to actually being burnbook-like, deals in publishing URLs, and so on. If you want to engage with that, it's absolutely your choice, but it's not something I want to give certified approval to on this blog, and I hope you understand why. If they're legitimately anonymous, safer places serving as vent blogs, let me know so I can check them out for a few days and publish your ask!

It wasn't my intention with this blog, though I did offer that a couple of times just to get people talking about problems important to them in the past, but if you want to vent here, I'll do my best to publish them (unless you request otherwise) in a relatively timely fashion.

I'm just not a proper vent blog, and people should be aware of that! I do offer opinions on those matters. It's more in line with the point of this blog to do so - I want to be able to give some point of assistance in publishing them. I cannot promise, therefore, to be impartial, but I can promise to not judge you or ignore what you send because I don't agree, am tired of it, etc.

I'd just ask that, once again, everyone realize that sending hateful messages to me isn't going to result in me being nice to you in return. If you've a complaint to lodge, lodge it respectfully if you desire to be treated that way yourself. This blog will publish anon hate, that doesn't mean I'm going to be nice when you send it. Anything else, however, I will genuinely try to offer you the opportunity to be seen and heard, some advice, experiences I might have had with a similar issue, and to approach it fairly.

Sorry that everyone is going through a hard time, that it just doesn't seem to stop, and probably will not for some time now. Thank you for sending this, I hope it made you feel a little better! That has been, and will continue to be, my objective in publishing asks relating to this matter - I just want everyone to feel like they have some agency and respect somewhere, that they're being seen, and that they have the support of others in the community.

[transadvice]

i don't see how there can be much advice in this situation, so feel free to delete if you don't know what to say or smt!!! i just need to vent a bit. i got asked to do an interview for an article on writing for my school's newspaper. i agreed to do it, but i'm a freshman & haven't even gone to school physically yet bcuz of covid, so I asked that my pronouns be specified somewhere. idk, i just... wanted to start off with the right foot i guess, esp. since i feel like writing is (1/2

Part 2 of question: 

... usually(wrongfully) geared towards girls. she said she would and it was all cool! i was actually excited. but then i got an email today. the teacher told her to avoid using pronouns for me, & it’s too late for me to say i don’t want to do it bcuz I already sent everything & the girl’s grade is hanging off this report. i’m just so… sad. angry too. just overall upset- i was excited to be in something bigger and to show off my writing, to be treated equally, but i just feel so small now. 2/2

My answer: 

I’m having a little trouble following the characters here, but it sounds like a student reporter from your school newspaper asked you to do an interview, and you agreed along with requesting that your correct pronouns be included. Later, the reporter came back to you and told you that she had been overruled by the teacher advisor and they would not print your pronouns. 

I’m curious, is the reporter planning to misgender you in the article, or just avoid pronouns? Either way, this is straight up transphobic (I think misgendering is worse than avoiding pronouns, but they’re both bad). It’s also just bad journalistic ethics. You laid out conditions for being interviewed, and she did not meet them. It would not be wrong for you to insist on pulling the interview. I don’t really see how her grade can hang on this interview (isn’t the school newspaper typically an extracurricular acitivity?), and anyway, it’s not your problem. You made it clear what your conditions were. As an interview subject, you have every right to back out if you feel the paper is planning to misrepresent you. 

I acknowledge that the teacher is more at fault than the reporter here, but it’s possible the reporter has more ability to push back than she thinks, once she has something to lose. Anyway, it’s the only leverage you have. You don’t need to be “the accommodating one” just because someone else is being unreasonable. If this reporter’s grade hangs on the interview; if she can’t print the interview without your consent; if you won’t give consent if you’re being misgendered; and if a teacher is forcing her to misgender you: she can take it up with the teacher! You’re not doing anything wrong. 

In the event that the paper runs the interview without your consent, or you choose not to withdraw consent, it’s certainly a shitty situation, and I don’t blame you at all for feeling betrayed and disrespected. You’re in the right here. 

Some things you could do to take action and/or help yourself feel better: 

- If there is anyone who works at the school that you trust, such as a teacher, administrator, or guidance counselor, talk to them about it. 

- Write an op-ed for the paper denouncing the paper’s policy of misgendering students. 

- Tell friends what happened and get some support.  

- Talk to someone you trust outside the school, such as a family member or therapist. 

- Use your writing talent to express yourself in your own way, such as by journaling, writing poetry, posting online, etc. (whatever your medium is). Take your power back by representing yourself the way you want to be represented. 

[vostramente]

I just came here because i’ve been feeling too bad lately and found the post that i just reblogged and i feel even worst knowing that i’ve been like this for so long. 

I tried to get an appointment with a professional psicologyst but my phone decided not to work so i’m worst now because of that. So i am going to write here everything i should have said there.

This has been my fucking and precious diary every time i get too bad but for once i want to stop feeling this bad all the time, i want to stop feeling like there is something wrong with me, i want to stop feeling like all i do is bother and annoy everyon around me, i want to stop feeling like i’m worthless. I WANT THIS TO STOP but i don’t know what to do or how to do it.

It has always been easy for me saying everything in english because in spanish i start cursing and it never ends up well.

Lately i’ve been feeling tired and i know that i am annoying being like this sad or mad 24/7 but it bothers me that everyone realizes that i am mad o sad but they never try to figure out why or if there’s something that they’re doing that is affecting me or i don’t know, i don’t want to blame other people because i know thta i am at this point and feeling this shitty because of myself.

I feel that i am always giving 100% of me in everything i do but never get anything that i want back, i know it’s wrong to expect from others the same that you’re giving because that never happens but i just don’t feel appreciated.

Yesterday my boyfriend said something that made feel even worst, he said: “Why should i be sad if i have everything?, i have my family a job and they’re all okay” Well i also have “everything” but i am not happy and believe me i pray and try to be everyday. Right now, my dad does not have a job so we literally have no money, my mom does cakes and things like that and we sell it online, i am working and doing a master because i thought that doing that i’ll get a better job, i’ll be better paid and things we’re going to be better but guess what? Things are worst. Since my mom does not know that much about social media i run instagram and facebook for her so we can sell more but between studying, working and my shitty head, sometimes i just don’t feel like doing eny of that but still i have to do it, i know. I also clean the house because she has rinitis and my dad a my brother are useless in that way, the thing is that when i do not feel good i tend to get rude and they all get mad and start yelling at me and then i feel like shit. I wnat them to understand that i am not a fucking machine, i want to do everything and help everyone but while doing that i am fucking losing myself and feeling like shit. 

Everyone here in my house and outside is like “afraid” of me and that makes me feel like shit you know? when my mom talks to me or is going to ask me a favor se says sorry first and that makes me feel like shit, it’s worst that an insult because i am not that person or i dont see myself like that, so yes i am tired of being considered a bad person, when everything i do literally is do my best for things to go right and be okay all the time.

Today everything is okay in my house but last week i got an anxiety attack because i was mad cleaning the house and making a lot of noise because i felt sick and for 2 FUCKING WEEKS no one even tried to pick up the things they accidentally throw in the floor, and well my mom got mad and started yelling at me, of course i spent 3 hours crying because i was feeling like SHIT, my head hurted like i had a rock instead of brain and i was cleaning because everything was SO MESSY and they still get mad. 

So i don’t know i just feel that at the end it does not matter how many times you do it good or how many times you try to do good, the time you do it wrong or in the moment they do not want to, you are the shit, and i know it’s my family, it’s all that i have but i still can’t stop feeling like shit. I don’t think they care about me or how i feel, they just care about me doing what they want and what they ask me to.

Now there’s my boyfriend, i’ve been fighting a lot with him lately because again i do not feel loved, since this stupid pandemic started i tried to sent him things so he knew i thought about him guess what i got back, NOTHING in 4 months NOTHING, when he started to work he could have come and see me but NO he said it was my time to go because before the pandemic i didn’t go to his house so no, he didn’t come see me in 4 months because “it was my turn” (I have very restrictive parents and since we’re 24/7 in the house i’ve been trying to avoid fights). So 3 weeks ago i decided to go to his house because i saw so many people in the streets and i felt like it was unfair, so i did it and he said “see you next week” and guess what, he didn’t come he only came one day because HIS MOM sent me a yogurt that i have been asking to him for months (He said he’ll only pay attention to my cravings if i was pregnant) everytime i tried to tell him anything about how i feel he said “everyone is having it hard right now” (and i’m sorry if this is selfish) but I DO NOT CARE i am talking for me, for how i feel, not for the resto of the world so he always stopped talking to me and came back the other day like nothing happened, yesterday was our month anniversary and he said “ hope you had a nice day and get to rest” that was all, at first he was the one getting mad about the fact that i didn’t post anything about him on instagram or anywhere, now it’s me, the thing is that the day i told him about that he said “i have to look professional for my job” but of course he posts stupid memes and things like that so i don’t really know how is he expecting me to feel about that.

Today he said he was tired and mad at the fact that i was always feeling like this, but HEY if i feel like this is because something around me is not okay right?

Just needed to vent, i am way more calm now but still sad.

I’m going to start writing more in here.

Thank you if you’re reading, bye.