#because the idea that these people are taking apart my body is so distressing to me

[l-cereta]

-

[certaimromance]

𝜗𝜚 Cherry Picking.

Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Summary: After your first night with Spencer, you wake up and see that he's left you two dollars and a thank-you note on your bedside table.

Words: 2,3k.

TW: lots of mentions and references to sex, but nothing completely explicit. the reader is quite dramatic and has little faith in men (literally me, sorry). SO MUCH chaos and lack of communication but happy ending. english isn't my first language (sorry for my mistakes, be kind please).

Note: This idea just came to me out of the blue, and I have to say that Sex and the City has had a bit of an influence. I love the chaos, the conversations between friends, and Spencer being the best man in the world (I'm picturing him kind of like in his season four version).

♡ Enjoy! ♡

Saturday afternoon

“Two dollars?!”

Penelope's and JJ's simultaneous exclamations and surprised faces when you finished speaking were pretty much to be expected. They noticed a change in your expression and took a moment to compose themselves, as did the rest of the people in the room, who glanced curiously at your table from time to time. It was certainly a fascinating sight, three women having an animated conversation about their lives over milkshakes as if they were drinks, especially considering that one of them was pregnant and her belly looked like it was about to explode.

You didn't blame anyone for reacting that way, especially not your friends. You were still pretty shocked by what happened, especially by how thoughtless the man you'd developed feelings for and worked closely with over the past few years was. It was a unsettling to find a tip on your nightstand after one of the most memorable nights you'd ever had. You still remembered the excitement you felt when you went to Spencer's apartment yesterday to watch a movie as part of your fourth or fifth date. He seemed nervous when you started kissing more intensely, and the couch wasn't the best setting. The sensation of your body on his bed and his lips on your skin was incredible.

It was a good memory, extremely good if you took away the embarrassment of waking up the next day in his empty bed with money waiting for you, as if you had performed a service.

“Maybe there was a misunderstanding and the money was left on the table by mistake.” Jennifer spoke again in a reassuring tone after turning the matter over. “Spencer can be a little clumsy sometimes.”

You pressed your lips together in a thin line as you listened to her attempt to provide an explanation for his actions. But given their friendship, this was to be expected.

“And he was in a hurry to catch his plane and go to his mother.” Garcia added with a forced smile, trying to lift your spirits. “It all makes sense.”

Yes, it was understandable that he was leaving in a hurry because he had to catch a flight to spend his weekend off with his mother. That didn't worry you, but there was something else that was curious.

“How do you explain the thank-you note?” You asked, taking out the paper and the two dollars you'd pulled out to show them as proof from your purse.

“It was a thank you for hanging out with him, a sweet gesture.” JJ said, taking a sip of her milkshake and patting her belly.

It seemed more like a sour gesture to you, that you had been left with your dignity on the floor. As you left his apartment, you didn't know whether to cry or laugh because it sounded like a bad joke that the only man you thought was decent and for whom you allowed yourself to have feelings would do such a thing.

“My love life is going downhill.” You said.

Just then, the restaurant door opens and Emily appears. After greeting her and apologizing for her late arrival, she asks about the cause of your apparent distress. As a profiler, she was astute enough to know something was wrong just by looking at you.

“What's wrong, honey?” She started talking as soon as she sat down next to you and took a quick look at the table. “Those milkshakes look good, I want one.”

“Spencer thinks I'm a prostitute.” You spoke up without thinking, which surprised Emily and caused her to briefly lose her grip on the menu.

There was a long, awkward silence.

Perhaps you were too direct in saying something that you had been trying to ignore for your own mental health.

“Just a heads-up, we've got a baby in the room. No need to say that word!” Penelope was the first to speak, gently covering JJ's belly with her hands. “He can hear you.”

At that moment, Reid and his comments about pregnancy data at every stage came to mind. You felt a little uncomfortable because you knew it was a little unrealistic to focus on the positives at a time like this.

“Oh, I'm so sorry, baby.” You looked regretfully at your friends and spoke to Jennifer's belly, giving it a gentle caress. “Don't listen.”

“I need context, please.” Emily said confusedly, trying to understand what was going on and why you had said what you had said.

You let out a deep breath, preparing yourself to recount the story once more.

“Okay, Spencer and I made...milkshakes. Very good milkshakes, really good if you know what I mean.” You tried to explain slowly, watching your words and your friends' expressions. “I woke up when he was leaving, he gave me a kiss on my forehead and said to keep sleeping, that he had to catch his flight.”

“That's sweet, but weird to know.” Emily commented quizzically, looking at the menu intently again. “What's the part...you know?”

“Oh, when he thought I was-” You stop yourself as you see how JJ looks at you. “A pie maker.”

You could tell from their expressions that they were about to laugh at your attempts to keep the conversation friendly.

“I woke up hours later to find two dollars on the nightstand with a thank-you note.” You finished the story. “To him, I'm worth two fu...sugary dollars.”

Prentiss stared at you for several seconds, waiting for me to tell her it was a joke. Only when that didn't happen did she speak. “That sounds weird and awful, but I don't think he would do something like that on purpose. Especially you, he really likes you.”

“He likes me enough to give me two dollars.”

When you finished speaking, you experienced a moment of discomfort in your stomach as your own words took effect. You were surprised to find that on a deeper level, what had happened was causing you more pain than you had anticipated.

“That doesn't sound like Reid at all. I've known him for years, and he's not that kind of man.” Penelope said with a frown, trying to reassure you. “I'm sure it's a mix-up.”

You were looking for the same thing and hoping it was just a misunderstanding, but your previous bad experiences made you think otherwise. You'd met enough men to know that they could always be worse. What was different now was that you really liked this particular man. You really longed for him to be different from everyone else.

However, things weren't always as you'd hoped. You'd invested a lot of hope in making your fairy tale come true, and it was starting to take its toll.

“Have you had a chance to speak with him?” JJ inquired.

“He's with his mother, I won't bother him.” You replied with a strange simplicity that made your friends suspicious. “I'm fine, I've calmed down.” You added as you saw their worried faces.

“I love you, but sometimes you scare me.” Emily said, watching you drink from your smoothie as if it contained a painkiller. “It's not okay to pretend that everything's fine.”

“It's understandable to feel a bit discouraged about this. Things may seem challenging at the moment, but I believe things will improve when you discuss this with him.” Jennifer's hand gently touched yours, offering a comforting gesture.

“I'm sure everything will be fine. You have our support if you need it.” Penelope joined in with the motivational words and gave you a reassuring smile.

You took the last sip of your milkshake and leaned back in your seat for a moment before replying. “I'm fine, girls. I don't plan to lose my head over a man, I promised myself.”

They looked at you with some skepticism, but you didn't flinch. You were confident that if you were mentally prepared not to be defeated, or at least not to look defeated, you would be well prepared for the day of the meeting.

You weren't going to lose your mind over this.

Monday morning

You were definitely losing your mind, and no cup of tea or internet video that promised to do so had been able to relax you one bit. You had been cooped up in the office you shared with Penelope for several minutes, pacing in your chair while everyone in the conference room waited for information about a new case and your presence. The mere thought of having to face Reid again was making you feel pretty uneasy.

All weekend, you had been trying to reassure yourself that you were doing well, that you were not hurt or affected by what happened, that it was just one more disappointment to add to the long list you had written since you were a teenager, and that it was normal for someone with your luck. You were not a princess, you were not going to meet a prince, and you were old enough to know that.

But being in the same building as your prince turned toad was not as easy as you had hoped. You prayed that your presence would not be necessary and that the jet would soon take off to take them all away, especially him.

A few sudden knocks on the door startled you. You automatically thought it was your boss coming to scold you for being late, and your blood froze.

“I apologize for the delay, Hotch. I assure...” You spoke promptly as soon as the door opened and a male figure appeared.

But obviously, it wasn't him.

“Oh, sorry, I'm not Hotch. But hey, how are you?” Spencer smiled at you and walked toward you, looking a little nervous.

“Fine.” You replied dryly, getting up from your seat to grab your tablet and some folders to carry into the conference room.

In your mind, you had planned to make a scene as soon as you saw him and make it clear that you didn't cost just two dollars. But after thinking about it a lot, the fear of losing your job over it was greater. And now it was a mixture of that reasoning with your feeling of paralysis at actually having him in front of you.

“I...I missed you over the weekend.” He stopped you before you could walk away, gently holding your hand. The feeling alone made you stop and look at him angrily. “I thought about you a lot, too much, and I bought you something.” He let go of your hand to pull a small box out of his pocket.

“How dare you?” You blurt out, taking a step back.

He looked a little uncomfortable and seemed to be in pain. “I'm sorry if I overstepped. I didn't mean to impose. Did I cross a line? I'm so sorry, I just thought-”

“What? That you could embarrass me even more? Didn't I already go through enough?”

That's when you took out two dollars from your purse and gave it to him.

“Could I ask why this is?” Spencer was still frowning and looked just as hurt as you.

His apparent lack of understanding of the situation made you much angrier. You had thought he was probably the smartest man you had ever met in your entire life, but suddenly, in your eyes, he was an idiot.

“I'm refunding your payment, Reid.” You replied firmly, without hiding your frustration.

The confusion on his face seemed to multiply as he tried to understand. “What are you talking about? I gave you your money back.”

You tilted your head slightly to one side.

“Saturday morning, I left on the nightstand the two dollars you lent me a week ago when we bought coffee. You know I don't like being in debt.” Spencer began to explain calmly, taking a moment to gather his thoughts and present the facts in a clear and concise manner.

Oh, you do remember lending him money at some point, or rather, inviting him for coffee that he said he'd pay you back. That day when his hair was perfect in the wind, when he smiled at you and told you some interesting facts about coffee beans.

“I mentioned it when I said goodbye, but you looked so tired that I left you a thank you note in case you forgot.” He went on to explain. “A lot of studies say that you wake up to full strength at least 20 to 30 minutes after you actually open your eyes. And you still had them closed when I said goodbye.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I...I thought you-” You fell silent as you saw the stunned look on his face. You didn't want to look crazy, so you quickly added. “I just thought wrong.”

“I'm sorry, I don't understand.” He said, a little embarrassed. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Oh, no, I just...did you bring me a gift?” You changed the subject, taking the box he had previously offered you. Inside was a necklace with a cherry blossom charm.

“Your computer wallpaper is a picture of cherry blossoms. And I saw this necklace in a store when I was walking with my mom, and I thought you might like it. But it's okay if you don't want it-” He spoke fast until you interrupted him.

“I love it, thank you.” You smiled at him and took the necklace out of the box. “Could you help me with this?”

With some trepidation and uncertainty still present, Spencer positioned himself behind you with the jewel in his hands, carefully brushed your hair aside and fastened the necklace around your neck. The sensation of his fingers brushing against your skin made you feel a slight shiver.

“Thanks.” You said as you turned around to face him. You gave him a hug, though you were a little unsure.

He returned your embrace, feeling a sense of relief that things between you were okay. “You don't have to thank me.”

“It's not about the gift. It's just a way to say thanks for being you.”

Perhaps he was your prince after all.

[86espresso]

I love you.”

with jack? maybe they have been dating for awhile and she is not good at saying her feelings at all and jack understood that and has say i love you too but maybe after a hard day he just wants to know if she even likes him

wait bye my heart already hurts 😕 I went SO overboard with this. thank you for requesting ! 🩷

☯︎ “I love you.”

IT was safe to say that Jack was your first real relationship.

You’ve done numerous casual things with people, but you instantly knew it was different when Jack came in the picture. He was so patient with you. He never raised his voice at you. He always told you exactly what you needed to hear.

But you were still new to relationships and the whole being a girlfriend thing, so you had problems in expressing how you feel.

You went nonverbal on Jack for a day because you wanted a hug and didn’t know how to ask.

Still, he was gentle and caring, telling you that you’re doing great and that you don’t need to ask for hugs and kisses, or reasons to say ‘I love you’.

You curled up on your couch, watching Jack’s game on the tv while studying. Your first final was the following day, so you stayed home. You glance at the score and wince as the devils were losing 0-5. By that, you already knew that Jack was going to be closed off and tired. The game ended 1-5 with New Jersey’s goal coming from Jesper.

You’d involuntarily distanced yourself from your surroundings the last few days because of your hectic finals schedule and you had no idea how much it hurt Jack. He was asleep before you got to bed and you were awake before he woke up. You barely gave him the time of day without ever realizing it.

Jack rested his forehead against the door of your apartment for a moment, distraught by the loss but also knowing that you wouldn’t be there for him because you were busy and wouldn’t know what to say anyway. He really wanted comfort in your arms tonight but he didn’t think you’d care to even watch his game.

He turned the key in the lock, hearing a soft click and entered, closing the door behind him. You were sat in the couch, as expected, surrounded by books, unfazed at the door opening. Jack’s heart clenched as he saw you there; he missed you so much. The you that would’ve noticed him at the door and would’ve gotten up to kiss him.

Him dropping his hockey bag is what alerted you of his presence. You jump, knocking one of your books to the floor as you whipped around, your body relaxing when you saw that it was only Jack.

“Jack. You scared me.” You clutch your heart but notice the inevitable distress on his face. “Are you okay?”

Jack didn’t have the energy to bother you with his problems, so he just nodded and went to the kitchen for a glass water. He was surprised to see a full glass waiting for him on the counter and heard the soft padding of your footsteps behind him.

“I-uh kept that for you.” You cross your arms and look anywhere but at Jack. He felt himself soften slightly; one of the things he craved was you showing that you cared but being nonchalant about it. He thought it was adorable.

“Thanks, baby.”

He took the glasses and downed it, immediately refilling it to drink again.

“I’m really sorry about the loss.” You say softly, hopping on the counter next to where Jack was standing. You watch him freeze, as if he was surprised.

“You watched? I thought you were busy.”

“I was but I always watch your games, you know that.” You furrow your brows.

Jack nodded. “Right, yeah.”

“Jack? Why are you upset? Like, actually.”

Jack sighed, you may be not be the brightest in reading people but you knew him like the back of your hand.

“[ ], I need to know-” he stops in front of yiu, putting his hands in either side of you, “if you still- uh.”

“If I still?”

Jack felt sick even implying it, so he gave you a pleading look so that you’d complete it for him.

You take a shot at it, “You know I love you, right? More than anything.” You reach up to hold his face. You feel your heart shatter when he looks at you hopefully, as if he forgot that you loved him.

It was then when you realized how negligent you’ve been. Jack loved your attention on him and said too much of it wasn’t a thing.

He just wanted to know if you still loved him.

You hugged him tight and he pulled you closer to the edge of the counter to feel as close as possible.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice breaks off at the end.

“I know you’ve been stressed, baby. But that’s why I’m here, to share it with you. You need to talk to me more. Will you?” He pulls away to look intently into your eyes.

You nod and hold your pinkie out so he links it in yours. He giggles, does the promise and leans forward to kiss you softly.

[milkb0nny]

Hello! May I request Jing Yuan and Welt finding usually silly and vibrant reader laying on the ground unmoving and unresponsive. Upon closer inspection they realize reader is crying with a blank expression . Turns out reader had to confront some people who hurt them deeply in the past and afterwards reader just shut down.

(I hope this isn't too much info. If your not comfy feel free to decline, I'd appreciate if you let me know though (mostly just for my peace of mind 😅))

Thank you.

🥐

Jing Yuan and Welt comforting their unresponsive s/o

Jing Yuan x gn!reader, Welt x gn! reader

Note: Thank you very much for this request! I love this idea and it was very healing while writing it. Everyone has their own struggles, so angsty fluff is always a good way to cope with stuff. Nevertheless, I hope you'll like it. Take care! 🤎

Warnings: mentions of trauma in the past, crying, unresponsive reader

𝐉𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐮𝐚𝐧...

Jing Yuan, the General of the Xianzhou, stood beside his usually bubbly and extroverted partner, who was now unresponsive and in tears. He questioned himself, as he never saw you in such a sorry state. Sure, some days you cried on his shoulders and expressed your anxiety openly, but this was another level. Jing Yuan was torn apart by the sight of your motionless body that seemed to be glued on the ground. Never in his life did he expect you to be shaken to this point. The normally well put together man felt somehow responsible for your horrifying breakdown. Of course, Jing Yuan loved you and did everything for you. Witnessing how the tears left your eyes, creating a small puddle beneath your face, meant that he hadn’t been there the right time.

The traumatic encounter with the person linked to your past had left you deeply shattered, unable to contain the flood of emotions. Jing Yuan's calm and gentle nature belied the weight he carried as a leader, but in this moment, he was solely focused on comforting the love of his life. No matter what had happened to you in the past, he was now your new protector and savior from all the pain. The tall man came closer to you, slowly approaching you as he wanted to avoid frightening you. However, you flinched a little as he accidentally made a wrong move, and that alone caused unbelievable rage inside of him. How could someone harm you in this way, so much that you even flinch in sight of your partner.

Kneeling down beside your aching body, he slowly reached out and gently wiped away your hot tears, his touch soft as a breeze through the leaves. His voice, usually commanding on the battlefield, was now tender and soothing.

“My love, I'm here with you. You're safe with me,” he whispered, his gentleness pouring into your consciousness.

Your devastating sobs continued, but you still shifted your gaze to Jing Yuan, finding solace in the warmth of his presence. He wrapped his strong, protective arms around you, allowing you to bury your puffy face in his welcoming chest. He hummed reassuring words, his deep voice a balm to your distressed soul. Oh, he couldn’t imagine how much your sweet heart must suffer.

“You don't have to face this alone, darling. I'm here, right here, and I won't let anyone hurt you again. We'll heal together,” his words hit you like a struck, releasing you from the freezing trauma, and finally you can take a deep breath, that you missed the whole time. His love always softened you up but it also made you bawl your eyes out even more. Though, Jing Yuan never minded - it didn’t matter to him how much you sob and cry because all these emotions deserve to be heard.

Jing Yuan's love for you, his partner, was unwavering. He would willingly lay down his life to see you smile again in dark times, and this moment, as you clung to him, was a testament to that devotion. He was determined to be your sole anchor, to help you find your way back from the darkness that haunted you.

𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐭...

Welt, a respected and wise member of the Express, was known for his rationality and stern demeanor. March never mined his serious personality, but sometimes even she was a little intimidated by it - he always handled difficult things so easily. However, when it came to his lovely partner, he wore his heart on his sleeve. He had never expected to involve himself in a romantic relationship, but you entered his life with full grace. The moment he had set his tired eyes on you, all life flowed back into his senses, desiring you. He couldn't bear to see you unresponsive and in tears, especially knowing the cause was a traumatic reminder of the past. Welt didn’t need to analyze your state, as you had once told him about your past, but viewing your shivering yet still body caused a rip in his heart.

With utmost care and gentleness, Welt approached you, who had withdrawn into silence. He knew very well how to bring you back to the present. To be honest, he was glad to find you in this state, as he wouldn’t forgive himself, if he never discovered your fragile being. You usually hid in placed where you knew you were alone, though this time you were unable to make it. The man who found you was the safest space in the universe. Welt, gentler with you than with anyone, could never hurt you.

He spoke softly, his words laced with genius concern. "Love, I know you can hear me. You’re safe now, no one can do you harm. Whatever you're feeling, I'm here. Come here in my lap," his deep voice rushed through your foggy mind, and you eased up as the hope of safety proved itself.

Your mesmerizing eyes, usually filled with admiration and enjoyment of life, now reflected endless pain and vulnerability - vulnerability that made you feel so week too. Welt carefully took your ice-cold hand and held it firmly, his touch conveying reassurance and strength. His warmth was a contrast to the coldness of your skin, to you it felt reassuring though. His touch felt like the rising sun, slowly demolishing ice and uncovering nature, causing everything to bloom. You bloomed, pushing the hardships of your past away.

“You don't have to face this pain alone. I'm by your side, always," Welt inquired once more, promising you his love.

Welt's wisdom usually extended beyond the realms of intellect; it encompassed the depth of his emotional connection with you. He knew how to provide comfort, how to be the sanctuary you needed in this moment of turmoil. He was willing to give his all, even if it meant sacrificing himself, to see you going through this dark chapter. Kindness, food, a shelter - those were things everyone could give to you but Welt was the only one who collected all your pain and released you from it. Since you engaged in a relationship with the stern man, you healed more and more.

In this moment you started to cling to him, seeking solace in his embrace. Welt's facade of stoicism cracked, revealing the depth of love he held within. He adored you so much. He was ready to face any storm with you, protecting you at all costs, and cherishing the vulnerability that only he was privileged to witness. Welt loved how you expressed your feelings and he was proud - endlessly proud of you that you call out to him, even if you are non verbal.

[thestarfishinjootsoffice]

Shut up, EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

I had a idea I can’t stop thinking about.

The Sinclair brothers meet a tween reader (11-10) who’s face looks similar to Vincent’s, how would they react?

I LOVE your writing btw! Happy new year. 💞

Thank you! Hope you'll love more (⌒. −)~★ Sorry this turned out for child reader to be similar to Vincent ahrhe.

Requests currently not open! Trying to empty my inbox.

Sinclair brothers with child! Reader who's face is similar to Vincent.

First thought you were their long lost sibling.

While handling the tourists, bo saw a young child. It wasn't rare for children to be here but it also wasn't common. But he couldn't let you go and ruin their town.

As much as he hated it he had to take your life. He saw the small figure run into the woods frantically. He speed walked towards it wanting to make it quick and painless.

Terrified of this person who murdered your sibling and their friends you tried to escape as quietly and fastly as possible. The only thing in your mind right now is going far from this place.

Too panicked to realise the heavier footsteps behind you, only now realising after you felt a harsh grip on your arm.

You look up at the person who has a knife in his hand. You didn't scream or cry and you certainly weren't getting stabbed. You stare at the man whose face displays a hesitant and distressed expression.

Bo wasn't just reluctant to kill a kid, he was reluctant to kill a kid who looked so much like his twin. He lowered his knife down but kept a firm grasp on your arm.

Waiting to see what you would do, whether or not you would be a problem for them. If you aren't... He might just... Keep you alive.

It was weird really. You didn't feel threatened by this man when you locked eyes, maybe it was because of how he hesitated to kill you? Whatever it was you're just glad you're not on the ground dead.

Up until now you felt so scared. It was all so weird.

He stared at you for a couple of seconds then scoffed.

"what are you looking at?"

Before you could reply he lifted you up and started walking towards the wax museum. Holy shit, he was kidnapping a child just for the sake of not having to kill it. has he really gone this soft?

Everything about his face said frustration and embarrassment. You were struggling and trying to wiggle your way out, the panic came back again. Was he going to kill you? But the grip on your body were like those of steel.

He dropped you inside the House Of Wax. Where two other people were there.. And in the blink of an eye you're now apart of them.

Holy shit that sucked ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ

The roadkill and wax brother were surprised when they first saw you. You look like.. Vincent!

Vincent was of thinking you as the baby version of him. Long lost sibling??

Long lost sibling definitely to Lester. It doesn't matter if you biologically and logically doesn't make sense, to him it does.

Bo wouldn't look at you for some reason.

Doesn't mean they'll trust you easily though. They didn't know how long you'll last here, or how long until you try to run or betray. But for the time being they're gonna enjoy their moments.

After every arguments and rough moments between Bo and vinny, he would refuse to look at you. He says it's because you look so similar to Vincent it disgusts him but really he's just a bit guilty. Lester tells you not to worry about it and leads you somewhere else. (no he won't apologise)

Vincent will look at you (your face is not deformed like his here) and wishes that he instead looked like how you did. he observes at he would've looked if the left side of his face wasn't attached to Bo at birth.

It hurts him but a part of him is glad you won't feel the same things he does.

Sorry this was so corny, I made vinny too soft omg

[1moreff-creator]

Happy Birthday Ace Markey!

And happy Halloween! Seems like the character most afraid of everything that moves got the spooky holiday as a birthday! What a silly guy.

Anyways, even though my DRDT’s a bit rusty, I’ll still give a half-baked analysis, fun facts and songs!

(Do keep in mind character analysis is subjective, though!)

-Ace is very unhappy with his life. That much is obvious, as he’s deeply afraid of horses, yet he’s still forced to become the Ultimate Jockey for reasons not yet completely clear.

-He’s claimed his fear diminishes when the time comes for a race, because the thought of losing is scarier than horses to him. That still means he doesn’t practice horse-riding at all, though.

-The constant stress he’s under has even caused his hair to start greying (stated in a QnA), although he dyes it maroon.

-This same stress is likely the reason he always seems to be in fight-or-flight mode. He keeps pretending like he wants to fight people, trying to intimidate them in some way to make himself appear tougher than he is, but always cowers when someone actually tries to take him up on the offer.

-This only gets worse after Levi, the only person Ace had begun to really trust in the killing game, threatens to kill him in the first trial. Ace makes the decision not to trust anyone in the game from that point, which causes him to become even more hostile to compensate for and hide his growing distress.

-Specifically, he begins severely bullying Nico, probably in part because he got Nico's secret and thought he could use that to have power over them. See, if there's one thing Ace really wants, it's control over his situation, seeing as most of his life he's been doing things he doesn't actually want to do. He sees bullying Nico and pushing everyone away as a way of achieving this.

-This ends up exploding when Nico tries to kill him in the gym. Because regardless of what exactly you believe happened there, Nico did admit to trying to take Ace's life. However, Ace's reaction is very different from what we would have expected from him in chapter 1. While before he would have been terrified of Nico and stayed away from them, like he originally did with Xander, now he went out of his way to try and attack Nico even while bleeding pretty profusely. Presumably he's still scared as all hell, but the idea is that by this point he doesn't want his fear to control his actions. He pushes through the fear, like he does while racing, to do what he actually wants to do.

-This is also presumably also why he keeps insulting Nico the day after, and why he returns to the gym (depending on the theory) the night after. He's done being controlled by fear, so he covers it up with as much aggression and petty defiance as he can.

CW Eating disorders

-His motive secret is "Your body is falling apart, but you still refuse to eat." As Veronika mentions, this is possibly because there are strict weight requirements for jockeys. It's also possible this is why his profile states he likes mint, since that can disguise the smell caused by the vomiting associated with certain eating disorders, such as bulimia.

CW Over

-I've implied it before, but his birthday possibly lands on Halloween because fear is a major part of his character.

-The roman numeral associated with him in the LGI MV is V (5), with the phrase "right now, why do you go insane?"

Presumably because he can act kinda crazy at times.

There are also two pieces of bg text.

A cat has 9 additional lives

Presumably because he almost died in the gym, so he has "multiple lives."

I am but mad north-northwest. When the wind is  southerly, I know a hawk from a hand saw.

This is a quote from Hamlet (big surprise, I know), where Hamlet claims he's only "mad north-northwest", or rather, only mad on ocassion. Hamlet claims to still have control of his faculties, being able to tell apart a hawk from a hand saw (another bird), a friend from an enemy. For Ace, that means that while he appears crazy at times, he still considers himself in control of hs faculties, still able to see that everyone around him is an enemy (<- he's wrong but he considers himself right).

For some more fun facts:

-The scar on his face comes from jockeying.

-Canonically gay. Unsurprisingly /j

-He likes mint, which is presumably why he smells of menthol... as well as sweat.

-He likes healthy food, and he likes wearing sporty clothes.

-His favorite colors are dark blue and purple, but he refuses to say why. His least favorite color is titian, which is the color of his hair, because he doesn't like himself.

-When asked for his favorite ice cream flavor, he says it's frozen bananas. Not ice cream, actual frozen bananas.

-Like most of the cast, he's right-handed and American.

-He has nine siblings and once had a friend named Taylor.

-He wears heels, as he wishes he was taller most of the time. However, when it comes to jockeying, he'd actually rather be shorter. My guy can't win.

Finally songs that remind me of him:

+Appetite of a People-Pleaser by Ghost & Pals (CW for eating disorders. This song almost feels like it was written for him actually)

+Yesman by NILFRUITS (I think this is his character playlist song, but who knows)

+Reform by QueenPB

+Copycat by CircusP

+God-ish by PinnochioP

+Exorcism by CreepP (CW Abuse, this works with Ace when abstracted a bit)

+Lost One's Weeping by Neru.

+The Things I Deserve by Ghost & Pals (CW suicide)

+Self-Proclaimed Angel by VocaloKAT (this one's on vibes alone)

And Happy Birthday! Happy Halloween also! Take care!

[rolloollor]

Have you ever considered writing a omegaverse fic for mallerollo?

I definitely have. If the people want it, then I will probably oblige. The only issue is that when I write omegaverse stuff, it's... uncomfortable. Since I lean into the whole biology overriding someone's mind thing. Like neither side is in full control of themselves when a heat or rut or w/e happens, so they end up in situations they may not have wanted. Usually more on the omega's side.

My idea for a mallerollo omegaverse fic is...

If Rollo's an omega, you know he's meticulous about taking suppressants. Well, suppressants are less effective when an omega is exhausted or injured. When omegas are in this sort of distress, their heats are triggered more easily as a sort of failsafe. "I'm in trouble, if I had an alpha they would protect me" sorta thing. So, after the firelotuses and the bell tower struggle, Rollo's obviously beat up and exhausted from cleaning up all night and preparing for the masquerade all day.

Malleus dances with Rollo at the masquerade and notices he's an omega. Maybe he, as an alpha, instinctually realizes the distress = heat thing. He dances with Rollo as long as he can to trigger this. Either the heat starts on the dance floor (Rollo would extra hate this) or he pulls away and rushes off to his room. Malleus, of course, follows. Then they fuck and Malleus bites him, sealing the two of them together. Also he probably gets Rollo pregnant. In the moment, Rollo's super into it because he's more omega than Rollo, if that makes sense.

Anyway, the heat and bite fuck everything up. They can't be too far apart, so now Rollo has to either transfer out of NBC or drop out. Because glomas takes place around Halloween, Rollo has 7-8 months left of school......... so he'll be heavily pregnant by the end of the school year. Basically, he can go to NRC and let all those people know he's a weak omega who got himself tied to a man he hated within like a day or two of meeting him... or he and Malleus can both drop out of school and go to Briar Valley. I think Malleus would be okay with whichever, but obviously he's going to face scrutiny for biting a human omega and so on.

Plus I think, once bonded, they would have a lot more influence on the other. For example, if Rollo is pissed off, Malleus could soothe him a little and Rollo would, against his will, actually calm down. I guess at the core of this it's a "my body is betraying me" schtick.

Basically, it'd be about dealing with the consequences of this heat and trying to make the best out of an unexpected situation. Malleus having to woo Rollo after claiming him. These sorts of things

[operationslipperypuppet]

i know you have a hardshine playlist, but top 5 hardshine songs 👀

ohh shit this is fun

here's my hardshine playlist as well if you want to check it out (they're probably all gonna be on here if i'm fucking honest)

If We Were Vampires - Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit [Maybe time running out is a gift/I'll work hard til the end of my shift/And give you every second I can find] This is like THE hardshine song, if we're honest with ourselves. The idea that you wish yourself immortal, so that the time you spend together could possibly be trivial? It's so perfect. And this song is something I really have enjoyed for years so adding hardshine context to it makes it that much better, for me.

Work Song - Hozier [No grave can hold my body down/I'll crawl home to her] I was conflicted for half a second what number 2 on this list would be and then I remembered this bitch. God fucking damn. Not only are the lyrics so true to them on like a wider level, but Hardwon has literally, time after time, attempted to overcome the impossible to save Moonshine. To get back to Moonshine. The bargaining with the death horseman, Jake begging Murph to let him give Moonshine one of his luck points. Attempting, as a man with -1 intelligence, to fix a teleporter that wasn't working just so he could save her. (also the mental backflips i did to not name any of my recent fics with lyrics from this song. still can't believe i won that struggle)

After the War - Branches [My home is in your arms] This one is big on loneliness, and the kind of crux of the two people meeting ending the loneliness. And I think that's at the heart of hardshine, right? That before they met, they were both lonely and alone, in their own distinct ways. And then Moonshine walked into the bar. And in an instant, Hardwon found the home he'd been yearning for, while Moonshine finally found someone who would take her culture at face value and never try to belittle it. It's why Twinkling Lights plays under Hardwon meeting Red and asking Moonshine to live at the Crick. One way or another, they are defined by finding that safety in one another.

Love Like This - Ben Rector [It's a million things about you and I don't know what it is/I have never known a love like this] One thing that makes hardshine so beautiful, to me, is the way that it's so drastically ill-defined. Not even in the way that they never tell each other their feelings in canon, but also like the way that Jake and Emily have talked about it and the myriad of different ways they've played it. They're best friends, they're soulmates, they're in love, they can't stand more than 20ft apart without feeling lost. I think if you sat the characters down they'd have such a hard time defining, truly, what they mean to each other. And the idea here of a love that defines you while you also don't know the true depth of it feels right for them to me.

Hello My Old Heart - The Oh Hellos [Oh, I don't wanna be alone/I wanna find a home/And I wanna share it with you] Obviously home is a theme in my picks, which I feel like I have mostly explained already. But this one really hits a C3 stride for me, because it's kind of talking about returning to feeling like your heart can accept someone. And I feel like there's an insane paradigm shift that happens for Hardwon, post-distress signal. He's opening up again. But his heart does already belong to someone, and he just has to find home with her once more and his heart will remain safe, with her.

Bonus #6 is The Twinkling Lights of Galaderon. For obvious reasons

[elisedonut]

Piggybacking off all the omegaverse asks you've gotten recently, do you have any favorite scenarios or tropes with it? Or any ships or dynamics you really like in omegaverse aus?

👀

Hello I know I do seem to be getting quite a few lately and im not complaining about it very fun though i do worry im running out of things to say dkjaflksfj

For me at least I like Omega verse for alot of the same reasons i like soulmate aus but like different

so like the appeal of being able to smash characters together and go there ok now kiss!

One of my favorite concepts atm is like forced mating

i don't (unless its more fun for the scenario) tend to go for the whole one partner ever method much but i do like the idea that a mating bite still does something like it still takes a while to heal (months at least) and can affect your brain at least a little bit

Like they'll feel distressed when apart, get more agitated about other people they disapprove of being too close, lots of feeling like they need to keep the others scent on their skin

type of thing

and then depending on the scenario it is also fun when it's a really dramatic one and done thing where this action by a third party just completely fucked their life plans up a bit

like with soulmate aus I don't understand at all why Marriage would even be a thing that works how it does irl especially in worlds mating bites are a perm thing

idk my biggest omegaverse pet peeve is when it may as well just be two normal people and nothing about the situation is different

like I've said before that its a very dubcon type of trope and i think it honestly should be like your body is acting in ways you don't necessarily want and all you can do is hope the people around you have better control of themselves then you do in that moment

taking that away from it just always kind of makes me like yeah yeah sure

like i get it you don't want to deal with the more icky aspects of it so you make the heat subdue, you make it have no noticeable effect on those around them, you make the Alpha always strong enough to fight themself enough to say no. To fight back because they would never want to hurt them

but like idk i think i just don't see the point personally

like i think it can be done well when its very clear just how hard the alpha in question is fighting but a lot of the ones like this I've seen just kinda missed the mark to me

and Ofc everyone should always write things how ever they want but thats just my thoughts on it

that's also why I prefer worlds that include both Omegas having heats AND Alphas having ruts and think its the most fun when both sides have it equally as bad even if it's in like different ways

I also really like the concept of how good someone smells to you being like a sign of your compatibility

Im trying to think of new ones because I know ive answered a similar thing recently

oh I know i keep mentioning breastfeeding but im going to do it again because i read one fic in different fandom where it was a big part of the plot and im kind of !!! about it

I think Percy should feed Harry. Again not as a sexual thing

Maybe a few years post war it could turn sexual but it doesn't like have to but you know i still love situations and relationships that were meant to be platonic that get twisted as time goes on so like id be ok with it if it did

i just think it would be fun and it would be good for Harry give the boy some motherly styled affection that he was denied so much he deserves it ( i think this concept works well with any Harry ship where the other person could be an omega tbh i'm just Percy centric so)

like i want him to be making "I want to feed" noises during that first summer at the burrow even though at his age he really shouldn't be doing that as much and he doesn't even know why he's doing it or what it means while Percy's sitting there almost panicked over a cub in distress it's because hes malnourished

meanwhile Molly's just like "Oh would you please just feed the poor dear" she feels so bad for him but as a beta who's youngest child is already weaned she's past her feeding stage or she would just do it herself

I know pup is more common in omegaverse stuff when talking like kids that haven't presented yet but i like cub a lot too i think its cuter then pup tbh but i do switch back and forth alot

let's see

Oh! there is one concept iv'e thought about a few times that actually would need Percy to be an Alpha

(or just a non Omegaverse fic with a pregnancy potion which is actually the way i do typically think about it but im running out of things to say and it technically can fit an Omegaverse au so im using it)

where as another way to fuck with Lucius/ punish the Malfoy's for Lucius' fuck up more someone higher in Voldemort's circles (normally Bellatrix in my head because that helps it make sense in my head like yeah shes doing this for that reason but the idea can from a talk with Narcissa about grandchildren so in her crazy way she's like 'it's a perfect opportunity') decides to get Draco knocked up by someone who's undesirable enough to be a problem/disgraceful but not enough where it really 'ruins the pure blood ness' of the child

the kid would never be an actual Malfoy heir but that wasn't the point in the first place kinda thing a living reminder of sorts

so in other words a blood traitor because ive said before but i don't see how being a blood traitor would matter that much its still a pure blood and if said parent were to never be allowed to help raise said child then it really doesn't even matter and Lucius would be pissed and Draco would be a little disgusted so it's perfect

so yeah in an Omegaverse scenario i guess they would just lock them in the same room together and see if it works with plans to kill Percy after it does

but in the main way i think about it Bella forces him to drink the potion (which both parties have to drink) and Imperios him to go to Percy where ever he may be(because i flip flop on where actually this happens) and seduce him(and make him drink his half of the potion) and then they do bang but Draco is able to warn him of what's happening so they actually get to escape and in my head at least Percy panics and contacts Charlie so the end up going to Romania because since in the haze of the potion effecting him and Draco warning him without thinking he would actually do anything they are rightfully assuming the DE's will probably try to kill Draco if he went back so he can't which i imagine would be a bit more difficult in a heat based scenario

but!

you can play with the idea of like true mates in a heat based scenario where that luck of being true mates kept Percy from being killed because Bellatrix wouldnt want her nephew to like outright die (which we are going to say is what would happen)

but now instead he's practically a prisoner so still in a bad situation

another concept i used to think about alot is an asshole teacher holding an Alpha's face up against a very near/ currently in heat Percy's neck in this scenario mating bites are one and done thing though so if said Alpha breaks they will be tied together forever

normally its Snape but it's been Remus or Lockhart a few times in my head too though never did anything with it because while i really like the concept it doesn't fit any of the available characters very well and feels kind of ooc without figuring out their motivations (well i mean ig Lockhart could just a voyeur now that i think about it, the best i could come up with for Remus was knowing he was Percy's like true mate and he's trying to run by practically pushing Percy into someone else's arms, Snape just being a bitch though idk his motives are they pissed him off idk)

to me like i think the best teacher for it would be actually Barty as Moody i don't even think it would need an explanation tbh just ah yeah he would.

but that doesn't work as well with Percy because i can't see him being around the school after graduating when his heats about to hit i mean unless it was all planned ig Barty jr. could plan that sort of thing I've made him plan worse things regarding Percy in my head so i think it could work but even then its a wobbly maybe like a heat accelerant where Percy though he was in the clear for a good few weeks just to be hit with 'oh no-'

who would the alpha be idk its normally someone strong enough to carry him though because they're trying to get him to one of the emergency heat room before he gets swarmed or something

so probably a quidditch player or something

uhh

Ok i think I've taken long enough to answer this so there you go!

[bracketsoffear]

End: Bart Curlish (Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency) "The Holistic Assassin, the Universe's Delete Key. Bart goes where the universe sends her, killing who needs to be killed in ways that range from the mundane to the hilariously macabre. Bullets miss her and end up killing her target, people flee from her and end up directly in the path of traffic… you get the idea. She represents the inevitable, and she always hits her target in the end."

Flesh: Justine (Raw) "Justine is newly enrolled in veterinary college and one of our first scenes with her is initiation ceremony where older students force newbies to do funny stuff like eating a raw rabbit's heart, taking pictures while sophomores dump buckets of blood on them, and then going to class without washing the blood off. Justine's mother forced her to be a vegetarian her whole life, but it all quickly falls apart when Justine gets away from her control and tastes meat for the first time. Raw rabbit's heart distressed her, of course, but it planted the seeds for obsession over meat, and not long after Justine can't think of anything else. She steals beef patties from the canteen, sneaks to the fridge at night and eats raw chicken breasts, and goes out of her way to eat more meat. She bites a guy's lip while making out so hard that he bleeds profusely. She eats her older sister's finger that they accidentally cut off. That same sister (she studies in this same college btw) causes a car accident and kills two people and then invites Justine to eat their raw warm still soft flesh, because as it turns out Justine is not the first one of her family to become a cannibal. Justine gets into a fight with her sister, they chew on each other a little bit. Justine eats her roommate (she doesn't cook him. She just gnaws on his thigh, smearing his blood all over the bed). She is not the first one to eat a guy, either - the ending reveals that her mother (yes, she went to this same veterinarian college) is eating her father - his back and chest are covered in scars from continuous gnawing. But its consensual so it's fine <3 love wins. I think Justine is a promising young avatar of the Flesh, she's got the cannibalism, the shots where she's covered in blood, the themes of blood and viscera (veterinarians deal with all sorts of gore. oh also there is a scene where they cut open dead dogs as a part of their studies and Justine performs brilliantly). Also (maybe a bit tangential to the Flesh but still) in her first weeks of college she develops a horrible rashes all over her body. There are a lot of scenes with her scratching herself until her skin is all turn and bloody. This is very Flesh-y visual-wise in my opinion. Also the mother tried to prevent both of her daughters from repeating her own fate by restricting their diets. That's Flesh-y!"

[did-system-did]

Long Thoughts

I feel like a ghost of who I used to be.

I thought the more effort I put into healing, processing, accepting, and integrating the less I would have to deal with the symptoms of DiD. The less I would have to worry about being different.

Somehow with age, its gotten harder. I thought it would be the opposite. I idealized a future where I could just be one, have a better memory, and retain information better. I wanted that future so badly. Maybe its still possible and I'm just prematurely discouraged, but it was so much easier B.D (before discovery).

Yeah, it was chaotic and embarrassing and all the things you can imagine from an unknowingly traumatized little girl. It was easier back then to just write off my behavior as being weird. I was just the weird, rambunctious, unpredictable little girl, pre-teen, teenager, young woman. And truthfully, I found comfort in the idea that everyone lived that way.

Leaving the emotional distress aspect out of it, I thought everyone had multiple voices and memory gaps and drastic identity changes and internal conflict with identity. So I just lived my life. I was more unstable, but I was significantly happier even through the manic/depressive episodes. It was easier to write it off as "this is just part of life!". My system worked for me.

Finding out that I'm separate from the internal family that raised me was terrifying, embarrassing, yet liberating. Terrifying because the voices I came to be familiar with weren't a norm like i thought, embarrassing because i realized the horrible, mean, weird, chaotic things i've done around people wasnt a dream but actually real life; and liberating because i spent years trying to understand the complex experience i was having and finally cracked the surface.

It was an intense discovery.

Months and a couple years later i was extremely motivated to get to the bottom of my disorder, come to terms with what happened to me, and grow as an individual. Being aware of switches was harder than being unaware, because the latter meant that those days or memories were processed as dreams or separate from reality so i have nothing to worry about. Now knowing that I'm being ripped out of my mind and body made me more erratic when it came to time and how i spent it. I wanted to prevent switches so i could live my life more.

Almost 4 years A.D, i feel... defeated. I have lived my life a certain way since childhood filled with switching, beautiful chaos, and recklessness. It was full of rambunctious people taking care of me, laughing with me, helping me with tests, saying jokes only we can hear, talking to me out loud while i wear headphones walking home from school, protecting me, and just making me feel like someone was there for me. Although it was a confusing time, i was happy. My system made me happy.

That's something i have never admit to anyone, not even my husband who is in full support and knowledge of my disorder. But growing up and until discovery, my system was one whom i, for the most part, could trust.

It's just harder now. When you're a kid theres more freedom for weird behavior, but at 24 years old i would be called crazy.

I'm not crazy, im traumatized. I'm severely torn apart and my brain led the otherwise impossible task of gluing me back together. I spent time in psych wards and crisis houses. I lived in my car and got fired from jobs. I struggle heavily because the way my brain formed itself to live isnt one that fits where i am anymore. And yet, I still need them to feel like myself.

Its painful to accept that because for so long I just wanted to be me. But I'm seeing now that its already been done. This is my brain. This isnt the type of disorder you can medicate away. My brain put itself together in this way to survive and the more i try to make my days quiet and free from my system, the sadder I've become.

This is my sign to take a different approach and be more accepting of the system who helped save my life.

It'll be hard, but i want to be happy.

[skintsugi]

i think about the gender idea of "all children transition, whether cis or not." and how i dont see myself as ever having been a little boy. i was a little girl. i was always been a little girl. but i am not a woman. i will never be a woman. i have never been one.

and its not "oh you liked traditionally feminine things and thats why." because as a girl i was a "tomboy." in the early 2000s, i like comic books and hot wheels and tmnt and transformers and football. i didnt want to wear skirts and dresses or pink. i liked barbies and dolls sure but i was rough and played rough. i was rough and wrestled and i was a little girl who was a little girl. who just liked "boy" things. and i questioned gender; i wanted to know why i didnt have a dick like my brother (bc shared baths were easier when youre basically a single parent with 2 kids less than 2 years apart)

and as a man, i wear skirts and dresses. i paint my nails and do my hair and wear makeup; i play with dolls still. i am read like a woman when im not purposeful with my masculinity. but im not a woman. i'm a man. i'm a (probably) gay man.

but when i look back at myself i don't see a little boy. i see a little girl who when her body started changing, when there became a distinction that this body she'd had and had become comfortable with was changing into something she did not like and did not want and did not feel at home in, thats when i transitioned. not societal pressures but a complete innate realisation of "im not a woman. i dont want to be seen as a woman."

children's concepts of gender are not so binary. for me, i knew my brother and i were different in slight ways but not in ways that made sense. why it was okay for me to like barbies but not him. why people didnt like that i liked bioncles and legos and robots. and then when the gap between the sexes widened, it was distressing.

i thought it was me — so my mom agreed to let me have electrolysis done. as gender affirmation because at 12, being told i needed to shave, feeling the body hair, i was in distressed. i didnt want the body hair. i wanted to go back to how i had been — the clean andronynous look of youth. and it failed to fix the feelings of alienation. no longer was i different in ways that i couldn't conceptualise, that seemed arbitrary. but i was different in ways that did not feel right; housed in flesh that wasnt my own. i was in a body that felt abstract and wrong and like flesh pulled too taut. and when it seemed i alone felt that, that i was wired different, i dressed up. i put on costumes like i did when i was a child. i played pretend as a boy and found that when people said "sir" or "he" or "young man" that the skin no longer felt so tight.

my skin felt more like my own for the first time; and my body has not changed drastically. i have big tits. big hips. i don't take any hormonal injections; i have a feminine voice and the only body hair that really grew back was my armpits and it takes a long time if i shave it off. it would be distressing now to undergo such a drastic change, to change this skin into something more resembling what a man "should" look like.

but i was never a little boy.

and i will never be a woman.

[nightinghoul]

Talkin' About Poop

(CN: Hashimoto's disease, chronic dehydration, mental health, suicidal ideation and yes, poop. Mostly poop.)

Why have I decided to talk about poop today? I think it's something we need to destigmatize, so that people can ask for help, and spread knowledge for the benefit of others.

As a bit of an aside, I always find it funny when the young'ns make fun of Activia commercials. You don't think you'll be talking about your poop with your middle-aged friends/family some day? HAHAHA! Almost everyone in my life has some sort of borderline traumatizing poop issue.

Here's mine: People with Hashimotos are chronically dehydrated, which causes chronic constipation. (I feel I like I should address that really severe constipation can lead to a medical emergency, but I'm not talking about that today.) Constipation can be ridiculously uncomfortable and often pretty damn painful, but here's something else I learned recently: It can cause anxiety!

I found an article from Pubmed Central (through the US National Library of Medicine) stating, "...the prevalence of mood and anxiety disorders in constipated patients is much higher than general population..." I looked that up on a hunch. The hunch was that last night, after a week of taking mega doses of laxatives with no results, I started spiraling into anxiety and depression, thinking everyone hated me, and experiencing passive suicidal ideation. Then I pooped.

I didn't have any idea the two were related, but being physically comfortable without respite for a while can certainly have a negative impact on your mental health. And then there's this:

"...A person's stomach or intestinal distress can be the cause or the product of anxiety, stress, or depression." (Harvard Medical Publishing) So yeah, it's kind of a which-came-first situation. Anxiety certainly doesn't make it any better for me.

I was so unfamiliar with being healthy when I was younger, I didn't even talk to doctors about my gastric issues for years. I only talked to them about my most outwardly noticable symptoms, which at the time was that I was having migraine related seizures that I couldn't hide. It didn't even occur to me that ALL systems need to be working for the body to function properly. We have this basic understanding with vehicles, but we don't do this for ourselves. We wait until we're falling apart, when we know we've had a pain, something feeling off, or, ya know, weird poop for a month.

A lot of us in the US feel trapped because there's just not an emphasis on healthcare in our society. Sometimes, our only option is to crowdsource for health solutions. I think that sucks, but if that's what you're doing right now, here's *my advice for healthy poops:

1. Eat your ruffage (leafy greens, lettuce, cabbage, kale, brussel sprouts, etc.)

2. Look for fiber content in food or suppliments. Here's a guide to healthy amounts of fiber. (It's the first one that popped up when I googled it.)

3. For the love of God, drink lots of water. Myself, I drink a minimum of 64oz of water a day, in addition to any fluids I may get through foods. But really, I drink way more than that.

4. Consider the possibility that certain foods may be related to your discomfort. You might try eliminating certain foods for a couple of weeks to see how it makes you feel.

5. De-stress - whatever that means to you. Your mental state can absolutely affect your gut.

*I am not a medical professional! I just have gut issues. If you can talk to a doctor, I highly recommend that. Never withhold important health information from your doctor, even if it's a bit embarrassing!

Get your poops healthy!

[hero-deserves-to-be-happy]

Absolutely amazing analysis, Lilac (though we'd expect nothing less of you, dear)! Definitely had similar thoughts about Hero, and Sprinkles and I have actually had similar discussions amongst ourselves about that meme (albeit much less eloquently than how you've explained it in your post). Yes, it's a meme, but it really does say a lot about who Hero is as a character and a person.

There are so many degrees of separation between what Hero actually feels and how he sees himself and this image of himself that he presents to the world. He derives so much of his own self-worth from taking care of others--from being the protector, healer, and big brother, that it's this huge motivator for him to keep up appearances enough that no one will ever have worry about him. He is such a peacekeeper and so conflict-avoidant, and we see throughout the game both in Headspace and the Real World that all he really wants out of life is to help people and for everyone to get along. So I really think that the very idea of being the source or cause of conflict, hardship, or burden for his loved ones is incredibly painful for him. He saw how much his depression hurt his family, especially Kel, after Mari passed away, and he never wanted to cause anything like that again. In my mind, I think that Hero became so anxious and so worried about hurting his loved ones with his grief that he just buried it--locked it away as best he could and devoted himself to this Oscar-worthy performance that he was fine, perfect even, so no one would have to worry about him again.

But of course, as you so eloquently pointed out, he's not fine. In fact, I'd almost go so far as to say that the fact he is trying so desperately to appear fine might even be evidence that he is (in some ways) even more distressed than someone who is actually, obviously feeling their trauma, but I digress.

It's a strange situation with Hero because I do feel that he is such a genuine and sincere person. He really is just as kind, generous, and selfless as everyone thinks he is, and he doesn't have a manipulative bone in his body. Even his reasons for pretending at being well-adjusted and happy are selfless: he doesn't want to burden people or hurt them. It's not for his own benefit. The truth is, Hero couldn't really care less about his own well-being. There's a line in this song called "Two" (that I talk about all the time as "the Hero song" so sorry for mentioning it again) that says, "I'll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat"--and that is Hero to me. He is selfless even to the point of his own detriment.

What you said in your analysis post is right on the money: "hero would bend over backwards to please others. he canonically has depression, but would much rather be someone else's shoulder to cry on than admit he's not okay." Yes, absolutely! I think Hero only lets people see what he wants them to see. What they (and the player of the game) get to see is real and is genuine which I think is where the confusion comes in because we really are seeing Hero--but it's only the best in him. He hides his flaws, his fears, his pain, his suffering, and the parts of himself that he thinks are weak, ugly, or burdensome. And because he's so genuinely kind, so unassuming and humble, and so complacent and universally loved it's very easy to think that is all there is.

When a friend of mine irl was playing OMORI, he would sometimes come over and play it at my place, and on Real World Day 2, he basically said something like "Wow! Hero is so healthy and well-adjusted" and I kind of just laughed (bittersweetly of course) and said, "Oh honey, he would be so happy to hear you say that." But I absolutely agree that that's the point. In a lot of ways, I think Hero has done such a good job at pretending to be fine that not only do the other characters in the game believe him, but in a lot of cases, the player of the game does too.

He doesn't want to be the center of attention and he certainly doesn't want his trauma to be the center of attention, so he purposely pushes himself into the background. You mentioned Hero's stage fright which I think is a great representation of this. He'd want to be overlooked and assumed to be well-adjusted and "fine." If anything, he'd probably be thrilled with how little seems to be said about him or his poor mental health (especially when compared to the other characters) and would be grateful for often being one of the more overlooked characters from the game. After all, that's one of his greatest goals and motivations--to be (or at least to appear) so perfect that no one has to worry about him.

I think that is Hero's major motivation to overachieve and succeed. I don't personally see him as super competitive, driven, or overachieving in the traditional sense where is deriving his self-worth from these trophies, wins, and accolades and from being "the best." He appreciates those things in so much as they make his loved ones happy and provide evidence that he's fine and no one needs to worry about him. I think in Hero's mind he is thinking "No one is ever going to worry about the valedictorian or the winner of the state Mathematical Olympiad or the successful doctor." Achieving these things isn't necessarily his goal in and of itself, rather it is all about achieving "proof" that he'll never be a burden on anyone, achieving enough that he'll be given the stamp of "successful" and no one will ever have to worry about him again and he can just go back to what he does best which is taking care of people.

And that is ultimately, I think, where Hero derives his sense of self and self-worth. He truly is "a giver" in every possible sense of the word. And given everything that has happened to him, he feels like he can't be that anymore--feels like in order to ever get back to a place where he can take care of everyone again, he has to hide and bury parts of himself. He fakes happiness because he is desperate to be needed, to be the healer, the protector, and the hero again.

The saddest thing is that I think this all leaves Hero incredibly isolated and lonely, because there is so much in him that he just doesn't allow anyone else to see. It is impossible for Hero to be truly known, understood, and (ultimately in a way) really loved if he continues to hide so much of himself. Even within the game itself, like you mentioned in your post, we get so few glimpses of what is going on inside Hero and the deep pain and suffering that he's burying under this perfect facade of "fake happiness." Inside he is truly a very broken person, he just desperately doesn't want anyone else to know because no matter how much Hero himself may be hurting, there is nothing that is more painful to him than watching someone he loves suffer and thinking he had any sort of a hand in that suffering, no matter how small, would destroy him.

He's so worried that his own pain and his own misery will hurt his loved ones that he just doesn't express it. He really needs a safe place, someone he can truly open up to (maybe a licensed mental health professional *fingers crossed*) without feeling like he is going to burden or hurt that person. It's probably no secret that I love writing Hero hurt/comfort where Hero is the one being comforted (since he is so often the one doing the comforting), and I think it's most effective when the person comforting Hero (whoever that is) openly reassures him "You can share. It won't hurt me" because goodness knows he desperately needs to hear those words and believe them. I feel like Mari did that when she was alive--that she was that safe place for him. But now that she's gone and he needs comfort and support most of all, he doesn't have that safe place anymore and he gets so wrapped up in his worries of being a burden and of hurting someone that he just doesn't open up anymore. And that's seen everywhere--in all aspects of his life. He only shows people what he wants them to see, what he knows won't hurt them, and in a lot of cases, they choose to believe that that’s all there is. And as much as he really would be happy about that, it's really not what's best for him.

As Hero enthusiasts, we really want to believe there's something more waiting for him out there. He really does deserve to be happy. But he won't be, unless he truly lets himself be sad and, more importantly, lets himself express that sadness first. Hiding behind that facade of "fake happiness" is ultimately just going to make him lonely and miserable.

i know that this is just a part of how omori's fight system operates, but i find it very interesting that we are able to make memes like the one pictured below considering all we know about hero's character throughout omori, both in the real world and in headspace

this meme is made by using hero's "smile" skill as well as a rain cloud, sad poem or anything else that inflicts a sad emotion on him. hero's skills are primarily always either food-based healing (e.g. "cook", "fast food", "homemade jam", "snack time") or some form of charisma (e.g. "captivate", "mesmerise", "enchant", "dazzle"). it's hero's job to be the support of their team, and to use his pleasant demeanor and appearance as a distraction.

no matter which emotion hero has, he can still use every one of those skills. it is of no relevance how he feels as long as he can uphold his designated role as a charmer and a healer.

now, consider real world hero's way of dealing with things, which is that he simply doesn't. when he returns to faraway, he's there for everyone else, appearing on the surface to be completely fine and content, and simply not acknowledging his own trauma. he puts on a constant facade of normalcy and perfection. because to hero, it doesn't matter which emotion he has, he can still use every one of his skills. it is of no relevance how he feels as long as he can uphold his designated role as a charmer and a healer.

hero would bend over backwards to please others. he canonically has depression, but would much rather be someone else's shoulder to cry on than admit he's not okay. everyone puts him on a pedestal, viewing him as a sort of ideal to look up to. sunny does it. kel does it. his parents do it. even hero himself does.

i think that's part of the reason why he's so often overlooked by the fandom: hero's unrealistically perfect, but that's exactly the point. he forces those expectations on himself, forces himself to earn trophies and medals even while he struggles to even get out of bed. he smiles despite wanting to do the opposite, because he's not supposed to be depressed. he's hero.

his charm-based skills in headspace alternate between a) reducing foes' attack with a bonus happy effect and b) acting first with all foes targeting him for one turn. hero either dissolves the situation a little, acting like the mediator he always has been, or takes the blunt of the damage for his friends.

he's constantly in the spotlight, in every world.

headspace hero has done a ridiculous amount to help people, from stopping a wildfire to giving up all of his organs, has made such a profound impact on so many lives through his good deeds, and that's recognised. people in headspace adore him.

the conveyor belts at the junkyard are endeared to him. sweetheart falls in love with him. mr jawsum plans to essentially keep him trapped working at the last resort forever. medusa thinks he's "too pretty to sell". hero's worth something to so many people, even when he doesn't want to be.

and that applies to the real world too. he's the only older sibling left for his friends after mari's death. he has to be strong for them, to be that ideal, because they have no-one else to fill that role. he brings kel and aubrey together, rescues sunny and basil, says that they should have a sleepover like "old times". he's trying so hard for everyone else, he can't afford to let himself crumble.

hero's a performer. and we see canonically that he has at least some stage fright from sweetheart's quest for hearts.

sweetheart's an interesting case. i find it interesting that the image above would be found mostly in the fight against her. sweetheart is one of the bosses with a uniquely heightened emotional state, hers being that of happiness in "manic". due to the way the emotion system in battle works (explained to us, funnily enough, by hero himself), it makes sense to oppose sweetheart's mania with sadness, misery, and depression.

so that's what hero does! he has the depressed effect, he'd otherwise look incredibly morose, but as soon as time calls for it, he's got a smile back on his face. we see how uncomfortable he is about her advances, but he gives her a smile that sets into motion a whole separate stream of dialogue where sweetheart proclaims her that she would like to "make [his smile] mine".

hero's the group golden boy. the charmer, the healer, the protector, the older brother, the pillar for them to lean on when things get tough. he knows that he is, and upholds that image to the best of his ability.

that is, until mari dies.

then, he falls into a deep, serious state of depression in the real world, because he's failed. he and mari have strived for perfection their whole lives, only for her to apparently deem it all pointless and leave them behind. hero feels like he wasn't enough, like he never will be, no matter how much he's tried. the faked grins disappear alongside those which were genuine, for how is he supposed to smile when he's given up on the facade?

he stops talking to people. stops going outside. stops helping. he can't do anything but reflect on his perceived failures, and without his pillar of support, the group crumbles to pieces.

hero stays like that for a whole year, until he argues with kel and remembers the reason why he needs to stay alive. this is hurting his brother as much as it is hero, and kel's depending on him to get better. so he does, in a way.

he earns medals and trophies again, helps out again, lives up to expectations then exceeds them even more. he can't bring himself to do the things he enjoys anymore, or talk to the three kids he viewed as little siblings and he failed, but he's trying. then, he leaves, off to medical school like his parents wanted. it's a fresh start. it's a chance for him to start to move on.

he's been healing, a little, by the time he comes back to faraway. he can talk about what mari would have wanted without breaking down entirely. he can make kel and sunny breakfast. he can bring the group together like old times, and reminisce on all he used to have.

but he's still not better, and it shows. it shows in the tears he spills when alone beside mari's old piano. it shows in his refusal to visit her grave. it shows in all the little ways he can try to hide, can cover up with a smile too bright to be real. depression doesn't go away that easily, no matter how much hero tries to pretend he's fine.

all in all, i think this meme essentially sums up hero's character and arc in a single, otherwise funny image. am i overcomplicating things? oh, definitely yes. was this a blast to analyse nonetheless? absolutely! there are far too few takes on hero out there, and i hope this gave a little bit of insight as to why i adore him so much.

[elijahkelly]

2/12/2023

3:04am. I'm laying here trying to sleep but my brain won't shut off. Didn't take melatonin tonight so my body is probably struggling to put itself to sleep without help.

Had a moment where I did not feel safe. Small panic attack, I was feeling very distressed, like I was in danger. It was very reminiscent of the feeling I associated with laying in bed in one of mom's old apartments late at night, Scooby Doo playing on the tv, and all of a sudden the room got really bright as a truck pulled up and parked, it's headlights shining right through the window. I felt very unsafe then, and I felt that way tonight.

Going home tomorrow. Or today, I guess. Haven't been home since my sister, brother in law, niece, two nephews, and their dog moved out of my dad's house. I have to go fill out a thing so my dad can file my taxes, Dylan needs to get his new car tags from his parents, and I want to go see my sister's new house.

My mind has been coming back to how much things have changed a lot recently. Thinking about how I used to see my family almost every day, now I'm lucky if I see them more than once a month. I used to work cleaning the gym back at home, now I'm a part-time manager of a sub-division of my department, part-time drag queen who has almost completed their bachelors in Psychology. So many people I used to know are like strangers to me, and I've met so many amazing new people. Like Osvaldo.

Ozzy is very important in my life right now. He helps to distinguish the relationships the "old me" formed from the relationships the "new me" has formed. He's quickly become one of my best friends. We talk about everything, hang out a lot, and poke fun at each other all the time. He reminds me that I do bring something to the table that gives me value enough to keep around. He's my favorite person that I've met since I started college. He helps me retain my childhood through interests we share, while also helping me to grow up. We smoked weed together recently, and it was my first time smoking real weed before. I got to do it with him and it was a real bonding moment.

In case you haven't noticed, if anyone's reading this, I kinda just let my mind wander and say what it wants to.

I need to talk about the future, because I'm scared of it and I need to rationalize it. Starting with school. I have less than three semesters of college left, and I have hardly a clue what I want to do after that. I've played with the idea of grad school, getting my masters so I don't have to have a space between. If I can get all of my school business out of the way, that'd be ideal. But what about a job? I don't know what I want to do or how I'm going to do it, which is horrifying. And I'm running out of time. Dylan's going through a similar thought process at the moment.

It feels like Dylan and I are in a weird space right now. Our relationship feels "gray," and that's the best way I can describe it. I love him, I know that I do, but I think I'm getting bored. I love him to death, and I don't want to lose him, but I feel constrained. I never had a real dating phase of my life. Yeah, relationships would come and go, but before Dylan I had never been in a relationship for more than a month. Now we've just passed two years and I'm so happy for that. But, in all honesty, a small part of me feels kinda robbed of the experience of dating in college, figuring things out, adventuring. He's my only sexual partner I've ever had, so I don't know if the sex we're having is good or if there's something I'm missing. I pined for him the first four years I knew him, so it's essentially like we've been dating for six years. And maybe it's supposed to feel this way, but it feels like we've hit a slump. Nothing really interesting is going on. Idk, I'm not sure if I'm experiencing a normal part of relationships or what, but I know for certain that I don't want Dylan to go anywhere.

I feel an intense feeling inside that something tragic is going to happen to me. I have had this feeling for a long time. Part of me believes I'm going to get cancer. Another part of me sees a potential future where I die relatively soon, like in the next few years. Yes, I know that's possible for everyone, but something in my head says that it'll definitely happen to me. I've thought about it so much that I now feel a combination of fear and calmness about it. Not like I've accepted my fate, but it has motivated me to live my life purposefully and not get too wrapped up in silly things that don't matter. I've made it a goal to have fun, enjoy my time on earth while I have it, and live one day at a time. But there's still that feeling...

I don't know why but I feel overdue for tragedy. Every couple months or so, something devastating happens to throw a wrench in the works. Back in November, we had to put down my childhood dog, Jet. We had him since I was five (15 years) and it was like losing my best friend. But that was four months ago, so it feels like something new and awful could happen at any moment. Not that I want it to, of course, but if we're following the trend of my life, something new should've happened by now to ruin my life.

Anyways, I feel like I've talked my brain down to potentially get some sleep. I hope so, because I have a lot of driving ahead of me tomorrow.

Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. If you're me from the future, I hope you're well. I hope the bad things I expect to happen have the grace to hold off, for your sake (and mine). If you aren't me, I wonder how you found this. I don't plan to disclose the existence of these posts to anyone until the absolute last possible moment so there's something to look back on and peek into my conscience throughout my life. So if you aren't me and you're reading this, did something happen to me? And if you're someone who knows/knew and loves/loved me, thank you. The people who I value most in my life are the source of my vitality and drive. If I was alone, I probably would've ended it a long long time ago. But hopefully I leave a good impact on the people in my life for the rest of the time I have. I'm getting caught up in my head again.

I'm tired as fuck, I hope it isn't hard to fall asleep. Goodnight.

[topazy]

Tomorrow’s promise

Pairing: Shane Walsh x reader, Rick Grimes x sister reader

Warnings: swearing, minor violence, cheating

Chapter: 1.02

Shane snapped out of his trance, stepping towards you. He cupped your face gently before looking down at the baby in your arms.

“Lils…” he sighs.

“He’s ours, Shane. He’s our son.”

There was a quiet nervousness among the group, indicating that everyone was still processing what had just happened. Zombies, death,and a new life. You look at Shane to watch your brother trying to calm his son down. Feeling your eyes on her, Lori looks up at you and lets out a sharp intake of breath and claps her hand over her mouth.

“Oh my god,” she says, teary-eyed.

Sensing the change in his mom, Carl turns to see what she was staring at and notices you, “Aunt Lily.”

He runs to you and wraps his arms around your waist and sobs into your stomach. “Hey, munchkin,” you softly say. “I’m so glad you're okay.”

“I thought-I thought you and dad were dead.”

You run your hands through his hair, trying to comfort him while others start to grieve over the loss of their friends and loved ones. While your brother tries to help a blonde woman who keeps waving him off, Lori stays still with the same expression on her face, except this time she’s not looking at you. She’s looking at Shane.

—

Daytime came quickly, and when it did, plans needed to be made. The bodies needed to be dealt with, food rations needed to be sorted, shelters needed to be rebuilt, and an idea of where the group was heading would need to be decided. But after only being in the presence of most of these people for one night, you didn’t say anything; you didn’t want to overstep.

You had offered to help burn the dead, but both Rick and Shane told you to stay inside the RV with Jace. You understood they wanted to keep you safe, but you couldn’t sit and do nothing.

You stepped outside the RV curiously and watched as a man named Morales helped Daryl move the body of someone who’d been killed by a walker the night before towards a pile of bodies.

“What are you guys doing? This is for geeks. Our people go over there,” Glenn says, pointing towards a different spot distressed.

Daryl shrugs him off, “What's the difference? They're all infected.”

“Our people go in that row over there. We don't burn them! We bury them. Understand? Our people go in that row over there.”

Both men seem unconvinced. Glenn doesn't say anything further. He just picks up a shovel and starts to head in the direction he plans on digging.

You notice nobody goes to help him at that moment, and you turn to look at Glenn. “I’ll help you, just give me a moment.”

“Yes, ma'am.”

Behind you, the door opens, and Lori steps out behind you with Carl by her side. “Can you watch Jace? I’ll be back shortly.”

“Um, yeah, sure,” she says, uncomfortable. It was confusing to you why your sister-in-law was refusing to make eye contact with you, but you were sure Shane had something to do with it.

You pick up a shovel and follow Glenn until Shane steps in front of you. He wasn’t happy with you because he snapped, “What the hell are you doing?”

“Someone needs to help dig holes for the dead.” His expression shifts from angry to stressed. You’ll know where to find me.”

—

You walk back into camp and throw the shovel down before taking Jace from Lori’s arms. You’d only been apart from him for less than an hour, but it felt like a lifetime. You kissed the side of his head before placing him back into his sling, while listening to the current conversation.

“I say we put a pickaxe in his head and the dead girl's and be done with it,” Daryl says bluntly, looking over at a man named Jim. You weren’t there to hear what had happened, but you assumed Jim had either been bitten or scratched judging by how the others were reacting.

“Is that what you'd want if it were you?” Shane asks.

“Yeah, and I'd thank you while you did it.”

An older man named Dale shook his head, “I hate to say it... I never thought I would... But maybe Daryl's right.”

Your brother faces him with a look of disgust on his face and says, “Jim's not a monster, Dale, or some rabid dog.”

Dale tries to take back what he was implying, “I'm not suggesting…”

“He's sick. A sick man When we start down that road, where do we draw the line?”

“The line's pretty clear. Zero tolerance for walkers, or them to be.”

“He's kinda right,” your brother says, turning to face you with a surprised expression. “Look, I don’t want anyone to die, but death seems like the kindest thing to do. It’s what I’d want if it was me.”

“What if we could get him help? I heard the CDC was working on a cure.”

Shane looks at Rick as if he’s grown a second head, “I heard that too. I heard a lot of things before the world went to hell.”

“What if the C.D.C. is still up and running?”

“Man, that is a stretch right there.”

You elbow Shane lightly, mentally telling him to cut it out. His shortness with Rick was starting to piss you off.

“Why? If there's any government left, any structure at all, they'd protect the C.D.C. at all costs, wouldn't they?” Rick asks. “I think it's our best shot. Shelter, protection…”

Shane lets out a frustrated sigh, “Okay, Rick, you want those things, all right? I do too, okay? If they exist, they're at the army base. Fort Benning.”

“Isn’t that a hundred miles in the opposite direction?”

He nods, “It is. But it's away from the hot zone. Now listen to me. If that place is operational, it'll be heavily armed. We'd be safe there. Jace would be safe there.”

“The military were on the front lines of this thing. They got overrun. We've all seen that. The C.D.C. is our best choice and Jim's only chance,” Rick says, holding Shane’s intense gaze.

“None of this matters right now, not while there’s a more pressing matter that needs to be dealt with first.”

“She’s right,” Daryl says in agreement. “Someone needs to have some balls to take care of this damn problem!” Daryl picks up a pickaxe and storms towards Jim.

“That’s not what I meant!”

Rick points his gun at Daryl's head just as he lifts his arm, “We don't kill the living.”

“That's funny coming from a man who just put a gun to my head.”

“We may disagree on some things, but not on this,” Shane says, trying to talk him down. “You put it down. Go on.”

Daryl puts the pickaxe down and storms off, mumbling under his breath, while Ricks helps the dying man stand, “Come with me.”

“Where are you taking me?” Jim asks, confused.

“Somewhere safe,” Rick says, walking Jim towards the RV.

—

You are walking with a bounce in your step, trying to stop Jace from fussing. The quarry wasn’t far from camp, and you insisted on walking ahead of the others, although they were still close enough to be in your line of vision. When you reach the newly dug gravesite, you can hear your brother and Shane talking.

“Say it.”

“Okay. I'm thinking if you'd stayed here, if you'd have looked after your own... Instead, you went off. You took half our manpower with you. I'm thinking maybe our losses wouldn't have been so bad.”

You're left speechless at how harsh Shane’s words are. It wasn’t Rick's fault that the dead attacked late at night when they were unprepared.

“If we hadn't gone off and brought those guns back when we did, I think our losses would have been a lot worse. Maybe the entire camp. Also, I wouldn’t have brought back my sister and your son.”

“That’s not fair. I thought Lily was dead and I had no idea she was pregnant,” Shane says defensively. “This isn’t about them, it’s about you leaving.”

Before they can continue, Daryl pulls up in the truck with the rest of the bodies in the back. He jumps out and immediately starts to moan, “I still think it's a mistake to not burn these bodies. It's what we said we'd do, right? Burn 'em all. Wasn't that the idea?”

“At first,” Shane replies, as his eyes land on you. He was no doubt wondering how much you heard.

You roll your eyes as Daryl continues. “The Chinaman gets all emotional and says it's not the thing to do. Can we just follow him along? These people need to know who the hell's in charge here, what the rules are.”

“There are no rules.”

“Well, that's a problem,” Lori says, standing beside you. “We haven't had one minute to hold onto anything of our old selves. We need time to mourn and we need to bury our dead. It's what people do.”

While Andrea says goodbye to her sister, who was killed by a walker the night before, you study everyone else’s faces. You tilt your head and look at Lori. Following her line of sight, you see Shane watching as he scratches at his chin nervously.

Shane meets your gaze and you instantly know the secret he’s been trying to hide by the guilt written on his face.

You feel your knees starting to go weak.

As your stomach drops, you take a deep breath and quietly excuse yourself and walk back to camp, pushing back tears. You weren’t going to let either of them see you cry.

—

You sit by the window in the RV while you finish feeding Jace, watching the others walk back into camp with a grim expression on their faces. Jim was sleeping in the back, occasionally talking to himself, but you were alone except for him.You allowed yourself to briefly cry, but you pulled yourself together. Now wasn’t the time to fall apart. You needed to be strong for Jace, plus you didn’t know anything for certain, despite what your gut feeling was telling you.

You freeze when you notice Shane joining Lori at the doorway, while your brother is walking in their direction.

“I guess I'll just add it to the list of habits that I'm breaking whether I like it or not.”

“What habits?” Your brother asks

“Just his need for a plan,” you say, opening the door, giving all three of them a fright. “So what is it? Are we leaving or staying?”

Rick gently runs his fingers over Jace’s head, “We can't stay here, it’s not safe.”

“I was just telling Shane I think we should trust your gut,” Lori states.

You scoff at her words, earning a fearful look from your fiancé and a confused one from Rick.

Shane sighs, “Let's go do our sweep.”

“We need to talk before you leave,” you tell Rick, motioning for Shane to follow.

—

Shane follows you toward the edge of camp, which looks over a small field. You let out a deep breath, and turned to face him, and when you did, he immediately started to apologise.

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” he pleads, trying to reach for you, but is cut off when you shove him in the chest.

“Get the fuck away from me!” You hiss. “How could you do this to me?”

He flinched.

“You fucked her right?”

He gives you a pained look. His voice sounds weak as he says, “You have no idea how much I regret what happened.”

“Regret it? This isn’t some random girl at a bar you’ve slept with; it's your best friend's wife. My sister-in-law. Your family.”

“I know…”

“If me and Rick never came back, would you still be sleeping together?”

“No,” he answers quickly. “God no. It was a mistake. If I could do anything to change things, I would, but I can’t. We all make mistakes.”

You shake your head and wipe your fallen tears away, knowing that nothing he said could fix this. “I’ve done a lot of shit I’m not proud of and I’ve put you through a lot these past few years, but I’ve never once looked at a man.”

You groan into your hands, trying to take a moment to think. Sensing movement around you, you look down to see Shane crouching on the ground with his head in his hands, looking like a broken man. He looks up at you with tears in his eyes, “baby, Lily, please tell me how to fix this. All I want is to keep you, Jace, and Carl safe.”

You chew on your bottom lip trying to hold a sob back. You believe what he’s saying. You don’t doubt that he’d do anything to protect you, but why he would is a different thing. “Do you still love me?”

He looks hurt by the question, “How can you even ask that?”

“Because you had sex with someone else, how could I not?” your voice crackles. “Do you have feelings for her?”

Shane stands and cups your face so you are looking directly at him. “I love you. I’m in love with you. If I wasn't, I wouldn’t have stayed with you when you needed help, or spent every goddamn minute since the world went to hell grieving for you. I dragged all those people to Atlanta because I wanted to look for you, but when I heard the city was gone, I gave up. I assumed the worst, and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. But the moment you walked into camp with Jace, nothing else mattered.” He kisses the back of your hand. “Can you forgive me?”

You blink away the fresh tears that are building up. With your vision becoming more clear, you can see the look of concern in his eyes as you struggle to find your voice again. He sighs, “If you keep doing that, your lip is going to bleed.”

You stop chewing on your lip and faintly taste blood. You can see your words are swaying heavily on him. “I will talk to Lori when I stop wanting to scratch her eyes out, but in the meantime, Rick can’t know. This would break him.” You gulp down, “I can try.”

A hopeful smile spreads across his face, “you will?”

“I will, but…” His face falls flat again. “You need to swear to me nothing else is going on between you and Lori, and you will always put Jace first.”

“I swear it on my life.”

—

When you walk back into the main camp area, you notice everyone standing in a group, “What’s going on?”

“I think they are waiting to find out what the plan is,” Shane answers quietly. “What do you want to do? We could always stay behind, just the three of us. We’d make it on our own.”

“I’m not leaving my brother.”

“Okay,” he reluctantly agrees with you and clears his throat to get everyone’s attention. “I've been, uh, I've been thinking about Rick's plan. Look, there are no signs ofThere are no guarantees either way. I'll be the first one to admit that. I've known this man for a long time. I trust his instincts. I say the most important thing here is that we need to stay together. So those of you that agree, we leave first thing in the morning.”

Rick looks at him surprised. “Okay?”

As they continued talking, you tried to study Shane’s body language. He still radiated confidence, but that might have come from his years as a cop. You were taken aback by his suggestion that you could go it alone; the idea was insane. You’d never make it longer than a week, and you’d never leave without your family.

—

“Why can’t I ride with you and Shane?” Carl asks with a pout. He was bored listening to them talk about the logistics of things, but you knew Lori and Rick would be hurt if they knew he’d asked.

You ran your fingers through Carl's thick brown hair and sighed; you hated disappointing him. You knelt down so you were the same height, “because your dad needs someone to cheer him up, and you're the only one who can do it.”

He gently stroked Jace’s cheek, then went back to his mom.

Moments later, you got in the car with Shane, who drove off without saying a word. His mood had dramatically dropped since Morales and his wife, Miranda, decided to stay behind because they wanted to go and find their family.

You noticed your brother had left a note for the man who saved him, Morgan, on the side of one of the cars. You hoped Morgan and his son would be able to find your group soon.

“Why didn’t you want the kid to drive with us?” Shane asked, breaking the silence.

“He should be with his parents,” you answer while gazing out the window. “Besides, Carl would hate being stuck in when Jace wakes up. He’d get irritated by the crying.”

“The little man doesn’t cry much, which is lucky.”

“Yeah…”, spin back and look behind you, noticing the RV pulling over to stop. “Something is wrong.”

Shane abruptly stopped, “Stay in here with Jace.”

—

You waited inside the car with Jace, cooing softly as you fed him. Your eyes were occasionally scanning the area to make sure the dead weren’t lurking nearby. You just hoped the group made it to the CDC without any more hiccups, aside from the RV breaking down.

A few more moments passed by, and Shake rejoined you in the car with a devastated look on his face.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Jim... He’s asked us to leave him behind. So we did. Me and Rick just left him beside a tree for him to die alone.”

You squeezed his hand, “If it’s what Jim wanted, there was nothing else you could do.”

—

“Holy shit,” you say as you step out of the car and immediately zip up your jacket over your head to protect Jace from the bugs.

The outside of the CDC was nothing but a large graveyard covered with hundreds of rotting bodies and swarms of flies.

Shane placed his hand on your back and spoke quietly while he addressed the group. “All right, everybody. Keep moving. Go on. Stay quiet. Let's go. Okay, keep moving. Stay together.”

Somehow you all manage to make it to the building without waking the dead, but it’s all for naught as when you reach the building it’s locked up with metal shutters that won’t budge. Both you and Rick attempt to open it, but nothing happens.

“Nothing?” Shane pounds on the door.

You go to tell him to stop being so loud, but it’s too late.

“Walkers!” Daryl calls out before shooting one directly in the head with an arrow.

You reach for the knife on your belt, but your sudden moments frighten Jace, who’s strapped to your chest, causing him to let out a small whine.

Shit.

Daryl glared at your brother, “You led us into a graveyard!”

“He made a call.”

“It was the wrong damn call!” He snaps back.

You storm towards him, “Just shut up. You hear? Shut up. Shut up! Rick, this is a dead end. What do we do now? This place is going to be crawling with walkers soon.”

“She's right,” Lori says in agreement. “We can't be here this close to the city after dark.”

Noticing a walker coming up behind Glenn, you run for it and stab your knife into its skull. Glenn looks at you wide-eyed, “Thanks man.”

“We gotta go! Everyone back to their vehicles, they can at least give us shelter for now!”

While everyone started running towards the vehicles, you noticed not everyone was there. You look back towards the building to see Shane trying to talk to Rick, who was still trying to get inside. “Man, just listen to me. Look around this place. It's dead, okay? It's dead. You need to let it go, Rick.”

“I know you're in there. I know you can hear me.”

Rick continues to bang on the shutters, so you run back to him and help Shane pull him back. “We need to go now! The dead are coming!”

Rick ignores you and starts to beg while looking up at a security camera. “Please, we're desperate. Please help us. We have women, children, no food, hardly any gas left.”

Shane wraps his arm around you, brother, and manages to pull him back, “Come on, buddy, let's go. Let's go.”

“Please help us. You're killing us! You're killing us! You're killing us!”

Suddenly, one of the shudders opens, revealing a bright light leading into a hallway. Rick was right; someone was inside the CDC.