#i was really starting to make friends at uni right before the pandemic it was so sad I can't think about it nono pls don't

[ncityzen]

I have this one friend who's like 7 years older than me and I met during my undergrad while he was doing a PhD (probs not his first) but he's not creepy don't worry, and people would make fun of him because he's never had a real job and literally just jumps from one academic discipline to another, but like I've come to realise he's actually living the best life and I'm so jealous

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I told my friend to stop telling me about his achievements?

I'll refer to this friend as Jason for simplicity's sake. Also, we're both autistic, in case you think that changes things in some ways I haven't been able to see.

Jason (21m) and I (21m) have been friends for about 6 years, we met each other at a school that's well-known for being hard to get into and stuff. He finished studying there and I didn't, I never learned how to study so I struggled there a bit. I messed up my papers so I also had to restart, making me be 1 year behind him. That solidified in his head that I'm an idiot.

I know that's a bold claim, but he has made it clear that that's what he thinks, specially when he said that there's nothing wrong with me not being smart because I am the most emotionally intelligent person he knows. Nowadays I'm better about it, but before, my intelligence was the only thing that made me me, so, of course, that hurt; I just went along with it, tho, because I didn't want to seem annoying or something.

I started uni some time during the start of the pandemic, things went alright, but then they wanted us to go back irl and I wasn't confident enough on the whole having learned anything that I decided to stop and go back later just one semester in; though what convinced me was that I was incredibly suicidal and figured it'd probably be best if I took a break and came back after some therapy.

Now, Jason had some self-esteem problems regarding intelligence himself around this point, thinking that he was lesser because he struggled in places were his other friends didn't. I refrained from telling him I felt the same before because I knew it would be dismissed or worse, seen as me telling him that he was indeed lesser by having similar problems to me *because* I am dumber than him.

Instead, I told him he was obviously smart, here you can imagine what I said. At this point I became the person he would go to to talk about school, when he struggled to reassure himself, when he did good to celebrate with someone who wasn't one of his other friends that might've seen that as something not worth celebrating. Occasionally he talked down to me as if expecting me to not understand certain concepts, but I ignored it because my emotions weren't important at the moment.

Now, I became a neet for almost 3 years and felt like complete shit about it the entire time, and Jason kept coming to me with the most recent news about whatever's going on in his life. I tried to not complain about my life and be supportive of him, but it started to get more and more grating the worse I felt and the better life went for him, paired with the occasional mention or allusion to me being dumb, I stopped talking mid conversation until I cooled off and could reply to him again.

I got a job fairly recently, Jason came with news about how he might go study abroad and I just can't stand it. I'd like to tell him to stop talking about this kinda stuff until I'm in a better place, maybe after going with a therapist that doesn't make me feel like shit and I go back to school, but I know he just wants to celebrate with someone. I'm happy for him, I truly am, but it's difficult to not compare your life to others, and right now I really am not the happiest comparing myself to him.

TLDR; I'm salty that my friend is living a better life than me and wish he would stop talking to me about his achievements until I feel in control of my own life.

What are these acronyms?

[theblondegoesabroad]

Day 96 - Three years in Belgium - a recap

Friday 4th November 2022

Words cannot begin to express how grateful I am for these last three years in Belgium. Not only did Belgium become a place to stay but a home. A place where there have been many ups and downs, tears and laughter, relaxing days and full on sport, pandemics and rule breaking, beer and boulets and everything in between. Everything that makes a place change from just an area on a map to a place full of connections, emotions, memories, a home.

I came to Belgium unsure, I was just out of uni and finally making money, enough to even start thinking about the kiwi dream of buying a house, and who was I to give it all up and move to the other side of the world with only the invitation to stay with Benoit and his family as a motivation. Was Belgium really that good? Did I really want to try find a job where I would have to perfect my French? Was Benoit – my Belgian model – really all that he cracked up to be? Would his family like me? And worse, would his sister like me?? Understandably there were doubts, pros and cons lists, questions, but in the end, late in May 2019 I jumped on a plane and headed off on my adventure. And honestly, I can tell you that Belgium was nothing like I imagined it to be. It was better.

It started pretty nicely, I arrived, Benoit picked me up in a very fancy car, (turns out it was Joelles), we had a quick hello with his family, then I napped for the afternoon, and woke up to a dinner party where I met Pablos flatmates and one of Benoits cousins, from the start, although jetlagged and overwhelmed, it was a good beginning, these were good people, and I began to feel my doubts fade away and just maybe, this was the right decision for me. Fast forward three years, and here we are having the same types of dinners with the same people, everyone coming to see us, but not because they are curious about Benoît’s Kiwi girlfriend, but because we are now leaving and those initial hellos developed into deep friendships, oh how time flies. These last few weeks have been full of dates, midday and evening, and climbing in between, I have never had a social calendar so full, and although I was sick, and was probably only awake due to the many cups of coffee per day consumption, I feel blessed. Blessed to have people to visit, share a final meal with those close to us, and to relish in the beauty of their friendships. Every invitation has touched me deeply, from dinners with Benoits family friends to the last shepards pie at the flat. How lucky we are.

We have had an eventful few years, and ones that I will never forget. Summer of 2019 was a busy one, Joelle and Paul were travelling quite a bit, which gave Benoit and I the chance to get comfortable together in Sprimont and for me to feel comfortable in my new home. We then had the major initiation into sport with my first camping holiday with the Tyber-Henry group. I suffered and missed the GnTs at the lake relaxing in the sun. But everyone was friendly and seemed to give me credit for my knack for learning peoples names. At least I had that going for me, as the sport wasn’t as easily learnt! Then we had a whirlwind trip around Europe with Jamie where we travelled all over Europe in a fastpaced adventure. For the coming years, I was so grateful that I was able to share a European experience with my little brother before covid hit, and although I regret that Mum and Dad never got the chance to visit us in Belgium, so I could share my life with them, at least Jamie got to experience it with us, heat wave and all.

Then covid, the confinements, the rules that nobody could keep up with because they changed pretty much every week, the constant working from home environment, the frustration with the regulations and incertitude for when it would all end. I considered briefly heading back to NZ at the start of covid, it seemed like all the kiwis abroad were heading back home, but I made the choice, albeit a tough one, to stay in Belgium with Ben and his family. Turns out it was another good decision as despite my job, I love my life in Belgium. The confinement’s just brought the family closer, and I love how close we have all become thanks to the many days and evenings spent in each other’s company.

Summer of 2020 and 2021 – although there was full covid regulations in place we managed to fake ourselves a few covid passes and we all headed back to our usual camping spot for summer. Luckily for the two years of covid in Europe they decided to ease back on the regulations each summer which mean we could go back to where it all kind of started for me, the integration into the family and the sports that I now love, a true area for comparison. Each year, our love for climbing grew and my connections with the family strengthened. 
Apart from the camping holidays, the big family reunions, secret covid parties/Christmases, and clandestine climbing gyms, we had so many lovely memories just at home, learning about each other, discussing life, repeating discussions that we had already had many times (much to Benoits pleasure), encouraging Jo to let Nazgul into the house for his final months, learning to crochet and sew, eating mince in every preparation possible, going for runs with Jo and Sophie, laughing about fake handicaps at Esneux, having an open beer fridge to all climbers that felt like passing by, heated crypto discussions, our famous Friday night pizza nights, being treated to breakfast in bed in Autumn with a fracassé au pomme, making soap, the occasional waffle on a Saturday morning that Paul would bring back from the markets. All those little things, and so many of those little details that make leaving so much harder.  

What started out as a questionable idea, turned out to be the greatest decision of my life, not only have we experienced so many wonderful memories, I have formed relationships that run so deeply my heart is heavy with the thought of having to have said goodbye. I have often said that I was grateful to be living with Joelle and Paul (for many reasons) but mainly for the fact that now we know each other so well, we can talk and laugh about anything and everything, and now I look forward to seeing them again as much as Benoit does. It was an absolute pleasure to be able to spend these last three years together, to become part of the family. To find a sister and best friend in Marie, a confident for everything, and someone who I will miss having in my life day to day. To find someone to relax, climb and laugh with in Paul, who is always keen to light a fire in winter and crack open a beer in summer (or any season for that matter). To find my running buddy, fellow sewing student, and salad maker in JojoRabbit, who has taught me many things about myself and life during these last years. And to find Pablo, probably the opposite to me in personalities, but someone who I admire for his enthusiasm, self-assurance, guru advice and kite surfing lessons. And recently to Clem, a fine addition to the Henry clan. And to everyone else, the list is too long to site here, but everyone we have met from our climbing friends, Benoits childhood or scouting friends, our village and the extended familes. Each person has helped make these last few years better, each connection, each smile, each moment spent together, are memories that I will cherish. I don’t think I have the proper words to sum up such a period of my life, three years jam packed with experiences is too hard to describe with just a few paragraphs, but I am thankful for everything that I have been lucky enough to be a part of and I can only hope that this phase of our lives is not finished with a full stop, but a comma, in the hopes that there will be more to come. So for perhaps the final time... Love Kate xxxx ,

But wait there is more, although theblondegoesabroad will be finishing, Benoit and I have now even more “fans” in Belgium, so we will be starting a new blog together in NZ to keep everyone updated with weekly updates on our life – see you there - Kenovele.tumblr.com

[pulverulents]

#30: on alternate universes and quarter-life crises

It’s crazy to think that the last time I did this, I hadn’t graduated from uni yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to journal since then, it’s just that I didn’t really have any headspace for any kind of non-academic writing or proper introspection until... now, I guess? Even now, after so long of not really putting my thoughts into proper full sentences, it’s kind of hard to write in a way that isn’t in a scientific capacity.

There’s been a lot of thoughts running through my head lately, though. And as always, I’m not sure where to start. But nobody reads these things except me anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter whether or not there’s any semblance of flow or logic to this. 

I’m glad the pandemic is pretty much over. Not that the virus has disappeared, but the world seems to have more or less returned to normal now. Which is great, because it would really suck to have to graduate into the job market of 2 years ago. I’m glad that I have a job that I like, and another job on the horizon that I’m excited about too. Most days whenever I think about it I can still barely believe that I somehow applied for 1 job and ended up being offered 2 (well, actually 3 if you count the freelance retainer offer thingy). And I’m glad that at least for now, I still have the time and bandwidth to continue with aca with The Lower Loungers. 

I’ve recently started getting a glimpse of the wider aca community in Singapore, though, and... honestly, a lot of people in it give me the ick. And like, in a MAJOR way. Maybe I’m the one at fault for vacillating violently between “oh shit I’m actually pretty good at this” and “holy shit I suck at this”, but my impression is that a lot of them have overinflated egos and will take any and every opportunity to show off, or will hype their “friends” up without really meaning it even though something their “friends” are doing may be objectively not-good. But I’m glad that in The Lower Loungers, I’ve surrounded myself with people who I can trust to be honest with themselves and with me, and who are driven by passion and not ego. Which seems (at least, to me) to be fairly rare in this industry. I’ve always had a theory that to be a good musician, you need a healthy balance of narcissism and self-loathing, and I guess as someone who more often than not sits on the self-loathing end, it really irks me when the balance is tipped towards the other end. Or maybe I’m just jealous of their confidence. I don’t know. I should probably be unpacking all of this in therapy, but I have neither the time nor the money for it right now.

I feel like I’ve been trying to be own therapist for a long time now, though. It’s always been a coping mechanism of sorts for me to intellectualise my feelings and pick them apart from the outside, so the next time I feel the same way maybe it won’t hurt as much. Does it work? Hell if I know. It doesn’t really make things easier in the moment, that’s for sure. But it’s definitely more convenient to just force myself to swallow it and then pick away at it later when it’s half-digested, rather than sit in it in all its fullness and dissolve into an emotional mess. I’m starting to realise that maybe this coping mechanism isn’t always the most healthy way to approach things. Sometimes I can move on by compartmentalising it and opening it up later when I’m in a more stable headspace. Other times it just feels like I’m always running away from myself. Maybe sometimes I just need to let myself sit in the emotion and fully feel through it. 

My sister mentioned something recently about “healing your inner child”. I’ve heard of it before, but I’ve never really felt the need to really dwell on it, I suppose. But maybe that’s because I don’t want to think about myself as a child. I want to leave her in the past, together with all the pain and hurt that she carries, whether or not she knows that she does. I don’t know how to look her in the face without shouldering all of her damage again. Running away again, I guess.

And maybe all this running away is what’s keeping me from emotionally availing myself for a relationship. I’m not ready to share my life so intimately with someone else, but I may never be. I don’t know. I don’t even really know how to identify, some days I don’t feel any need to label myself but other days it’s hard not to feel the pressure to do just that. It’s hard enough to admit to myself that I’m probably not straight, let alone commit to it by labelling it. Most days I get by by telling myself that I’d rather be happily alone with a bunch of cats than unhappily stuck in a loveless marriage. Still, it would be nice to have someone. I want to be able to say that I have someone. But that doesn’t mean that the prospect of opening up my deepest wounds to someone doesn’t still terrify me. And being openly not-straight also terrifies me. Immensely so. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult if I wasn’t such a late bloomer with love and sexuality.

To be honest, lately I can’t help but feel that I’m a late bloomer in... pretty much all of my interests apart from the one that I’m currently making a career out of. I’d like to think that in another life, I got singing lessons instead of keeping with piano, kept with choir instead of pin-balling between all the other performing arts, and would be more competent and more connected with the aca community now. Or maybe in another life, I’d have the guts to post covers online of me and my guitar, or I’d been allowed to bring my guitar to hall, and maybe I’d have gotten into Unplugged and would be a part of some band now. In yet another life, I’d like to think that I discovered musical theatre earlier and went to Lasalle or even somewhere in America to get a BFA in musical theatre and try to make it on Broadway, or honestly, I would even be content with regional theatre. In another life, I’d like to think that I stuck with softball through secondary school and JC, and would still be strong enough and athletic enough to continue playing it now. In another life, maybe I would’ve let my Taylor Swift edit-making skills turn into a passion for graphic design. In another life, maybe I would have pushed through being really bad at math and actually have become an engineer like Mr Lim Lee said I should. Or maybe in another life, I’d have gone overseas for uni and and have embarked on a myriad of academic or non-academic ventures that I can’t do here in Singapore. Maybe it would be easier there to figure out who I am.

I’m not saying that I’d rather live these alternate lives over this one. Or am I? I don’t know. No, most days I really do believe that I am where I’m meant to be, and even though at several points long the way I thought I was being derailed, they resulted in valuable experiences that shaped me into who I am. Even if I still don’t really know who I am. They were chapters of my life that served a purpose for where I was in life at the time, and once it was over it was time to move on to the next chapter and leave it behind, no matter how much I enjoyed it. It doesn’t stop me from missing those chapters and from mourning what could’ve been if certain things hadn’t happened or if I had actually been as competent as I would have liked to be, but it is what it is, I guess. Actually, on that note - do I really even want to live those alternate lives? Or do I just resent that I’m not competent enough to really live them out? Were / are they ever truly passions of mine or is it just that I can’t stand not being good enough at something that I even mildly enjoy? Is it that I would rather be a spectacular failure than put in the effort to strive for excellence and then fall short into mediocrity? Damn, I really should be unpacking all of this in therapy.

But I do think I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I’m where I am for a reason. It doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about what could’ve been in another life, though I’ll never admit that to anyone.

It also doesn’t stop me from worrying endlessly about the future. I know, sounds like nothing has changed. I guess my life has always been marked by endless anxiety that surrounds me and everything I do like a tornado of static. And part of me doesn’t know where the static ends and I begin. But that’s nothing new, I suppose. For now, I’m just taking things one day at a time, one chapter at a time. Because it’s senseless to worry about someday not being ok when I am ok right now. 

Ok. Breathe.

-jo

[itsrottenwork]

Hi mj!! Secret Santa here!! Hope your Tuesday is going/has gone well so far!!✨

Oh, my!! Well, I bid you good luck on the rest of this semester then!! What are you studying? I just graduated in 2021 with a bachelors in Art Therapy with a sculpture minor!! Been trying to conjure up plans to obtain my masters, but that’s not in the cards just yet!! We’ll see what the future holds though!! 😅

That’s nice that you learned how to crochet since you were younger!! That’s the advantage you have lol!! It definitely takes muscle memory to understand how to hold the needles and when to do the loops lol!! I’m gonna do my best to try and pick up the skill again!! Can’t promise it will go well lol!!

Blue and purple truly are such cozy colors!! I agree 100% about autumn being the best season!! Especially that transitional period where it’s not warm enough to wear shorts anymore, but also not too cold that you have to wear multiple layers!! Oooooo plants!! What kind of plants do you have?! Two or three summers ago, I started to grow/take care of some succulents and cacti!! Due to the ever-changing climate, not many of them survived except for my cacti! They’ve been going two years strong, even through the harshest weather!! Lol. Mexican food really is the way to go!! Honestly, any Latin American food is the way to go, in my eyes!! Right behind it for me has to be Italian cuisine!! You studied in Northern Ireland? Love that for you!! Did you visit any particular place while you were there? In the beginning of 2020, I studied abroad in Florence for 2 months before the pandemic hit! While I was homesick a lot of the time, I truly did love my time there!! One of these days I’ll have to go back!!

More Speed Round Questions!! Do you have a piece of comfort clothing/shoes that you love to wear? Have you been to any concerts this year? If so, who did you see? Favorite TV Show/Movie you’ve seen this year? What’s your favorite candle scent? Mine has to be anything with pumpkin/cranberry lol. 🎄✨

thank you!! I'm finished with classes now, but we've got lots of essays due after the winter break, and I've got an exam which I hate. but it's nice that the classes are out of the way now. I study politics and communication, but wow art therapy sounds really really cool!! I didn't even know that was something you could get a degree in. I have friends who did art degrees and are looking at grad school, and they say it's much more common to take some time off in between to build your portfolio and whatnot, rather than going straight into it, so don't worry, you've got time 😊

just the way things have worked out for me, I've had a different plant pretty much every year of uni, either stealing one of my mom's or gifting it back to her at the end of the year haha. right now I have five little succulents, they're doing alright but I don't think they're doing as well as the ones I had last year, I had a better pot for them and the space was better. I was in belfast when I studied abroad (the first time) but I travelled around a bit while I was there so I saw lots of different parts of northern ireland. I also went to venice to see the biennale in 2019, but that was the only european travel I did that semester. that's so cool that you were in florence, it's such a lovely city!! but what a rough time to be there, I know things were pretty bad in italy earlier than most places (I was in australia at the time, so we were sheltered from it for much longer). I hope you're able to go back and enjoy it more!!

speed round answers!!

comfort clothes: I have a necklace and two rings that I always wear that each mean a lot to me, but if we're talking comforting, my friend gave me these jingle bell reindeer antlers a few years back and something about jingling around makes it hard to feel down so yeah regardless of the season I'll wear those if I'm in a bad mood

concerts: I haven't seen any this year!! I debated getting tickets to one, but I couldn't get them, and honestly crowded spaces are not the vibe anymore

favorite show/movie this year: why is it I've forgotten everything I've watched this year now you've asked me that? I watched a lot more youtube/streamers than traditional shows/films

favorite candle scent: specifically candles? something cinnamon spices that makes the house all cozy

[thearbitraries]

hello again :)

it’s been a literal year since i’ve been here last, and damn, has it been a year.

when i left off, i felt like things couldn’t get weirder for me, ‘no way they can get worse!’ i thought.

boy was i wrong lol

2018, i graduated high school with: a plan, a boy after me, friendships i thought would last a lifetime, and my relationship with my family at an all-time high

2019, i realise that my plan has a tiny flaw: i am unsure about what to do. this has never happened to me before. the plan has always been perfect; it’s always been there for me, even when things get complicated they work out. i decide to take some *productive* time off and set off for a semester abroad. i move to england for three months to study psychology. the plan? fall in love with psychology. the execution? mmmm…. let’s just say things got… complicated.

i get involved with a guy, a guy who, mind you, is significantly older than me and oh, is also in a position of power. after my stint abroad i return home with another plan: move to england permanently and execute the plan (go to uni, get a degree in psych, become a clinical psychologist… make my parents proud?) there.

2020, the year the pandemic hits <3

i go through immense pain while abroad: my relationship is (unsurprisingly) horrible, i have no friends and am the loneliest i have ever been. i am terrified of living the rest of my life this way; trapped in a horrible place with horrible people away from those i love. weirdly, the pandemic saved my life. i was forced to move back home, leaving my partner behind and the distance allowing me to see things for what they were with him: abusive. i break things off and focus on the one thing that has always been in the plan: going. to. university.

for as long as i can remember, going to university and being a student has been my #1 personality trait. i was always the “golden child”, the one who was destined for great things. i had (and still have) a fear of never living up to those expectations.

when i got my acceptance letter, i cried so much i didn’t know if i was happy, sad, relieved or exhausted. i was just excited that i was inching closer to ticking off “going to uni” from my checklist.

but having a global health crisis tends to hinder plans a bit, including making travel and in-person classes an impossibility. so i decided to defer a year so i could start my college experience with “the right foot”.

i dedicated that year to working on myself; 2020 was the year i “cleaned up my act”. therapy, diagnoses, workshops and clean eating; that was my game.

i figured out so much about myself that year that it only left me with more questions about what the heck i was doing.

figured it was normal. it was, but it made everything more complicated (for good).

2021, this meant setting off for uni.

great start! everyone’s happy lucy is finally starting her degree! yay!! i felt like my life was just starting; like everything i had worked for was starting to culminate here.

indeed, everything i had ever worked for was for that: to get to uni, to make my parents proud… to achieve a dream that wasn’t mine and satisfy a version of lucy that’s never been real.

i hate it here.

well, not really, you know. i love living abroad, on my own. i love freedom, going to the supermarket, listening to my podcast on the way back from the gym, grabbing drinks with friends and learning new things. a dream come true!!

however, i hate WHY this is. i hate doing this for the wrong reasons. i am not studying something i love, i am not looking after myself… getting up in the mornings is hard because it means i have to look at myself in the mirror and see the image of someone who is not me, looking directly into my eyes.

i am not happy here. i am not happy like this.

have i ever been happy with this?

not really… so i decide to question it. why am i here? who am i here for? what do i want?

all of these questions lead back to a single conclusion: i want to be happy, to do things for me. i want to start living for myself, to get to know who that is.

2022, i decide to drop out against all wishes from my folks. every argument i make, every sentence i say about how i am pursuing my happiness falls on deaf ears; they do not care about that, they only want to see me succeed.

for the first time in my life, i do something for myself and not for them. i go against their wishes. i drop out.

when i received my withdrawal email i didn’t cry; the most peaceful smile crept on my face so slowly i barely noticed it at first. tears welled in my eyes; i was so happy that it didn’t make sense. how could i feel so both at peace and nervous at the same time?

the answer? i am at peace with my decision. hell, i am HAPPY. i have never been able to say that with chest. “lucy, doing something SHE wants”. feels good :)

nervous….. i am nervous about my parents, about how this decision means i not only went against what they want for me, but i let my whole family down. i am not who they thought (or raised me) to be, and i am a disappointment to everyone.

a golden child… what i once was to them is now but a mere false idol resting in a box in their attic.

and… im fine with that.

it was hard, i have never been in a worse place with them than i am now. and yet, everything is great! i am in love with being happy, it is an addicting and thrilling feeling. nothing can take it away from me.

it is funny how this duality is paradoxical in theory, but applicable in my real life. the thought of being happy about a decision i am made to feel terrible about kept me from thinking about myself for 21 years. now that i have finally done it i will never go back.

my family likes to remind me that my defining trait is being kind; to them that means that i put others before myself. i do do that, to an unhealthy level i must admit. but now, now i have learned that self sacrifice is not intrinsic to kindness; you can be kind and also look out for yourself. you do need to put your oxygen mask on before you do so for others.

so i do rejoice in the fact that my decisions have brought me happiness; i am finally glad that the plan didn’t work.

sometimes you have to throw away the pen, the planner and the schedule. planning out every hour of the day does not allow for life’s creative twists and turns to happen; and it’s a shame when you realised you’ve missed out on getting to experience them.

for me, that was missing out on knowing MYSELF!

and the only plan i have is to never let that happen again.

now, i am on the path to discovering who i am, what i want and how i want to get there; no planning involved. (well, just a little. life does get complicated without timekeeping).

as only one of the millions of strangers floating around in this universe, i can only do what we all have to: have fun on the way. and i intend on enjoying every second of it :)

i’ve learned that life…. life is complicated. no amount of labels, plans… control for that matter, can prevent destiny and, well, at the end of the day everything happens for a reason. we can only accept the things that happen, learn from them and grow :)

i used to hate hearing hearing people say to “let things happen”, but, i gotta admit that it is pretty catchy.

i hope to update this soon, 2023 here i come.

and, white void, thank you for letting this post exist somewhere within you. appreciate you <3

[smileysuh]

Panini

🌙 staring. Mingi & Yunhoe x afab!Reader

🔮 synopsis.  With covid stretching on for what feels like forever, and Mingi’s mood in rapid decline, you move into the two-bedroom apartment with your two best friends, where seemingly constant tinder notifications on everyone’s phones remind you constantly of how horribly single you all ar

cw/ tw. Covid, depressed/anxious Mingi, size kink, choking, sir kink, bdsm protocols, dumbification, sensory deprivation (hand over eyes), oral, dry humping, nipple kink/boob sucking, switch Mingi, hard/semi soft Dom Yunho, Dirty talk, some degradation in a good way, unprotected sex, Yunho has a sir kink, threesome, etc…

👹 rating. 18+ explicit I wc. 11.8k

🍭 aus. covid au, best friends to lovers, frat/uni au, etc…

☀️ mlist + an. panini is a slang term for pandemic

Some days, when Mingi wakes up, he just can’t bring himself to get out of the duvet cocoon “nest” (as Yunho calls it) he’s built on his bed. Life’s been... fuzzy lately, he guesses. Fuzzy isn't the right word to describe it, he knows that, but he can’t really admit (not out loud at least) that what he’s feeling right now far surpasses ‘fuzzy’.

He feels empty. But it’s not something he wants to dwell on.

You and Yunho are in the kitchen, and although you’re speaking quietly, Mingi can hear your voices from under his door. He blinks at the relative darkness of his room, the black out curtains he’d bought for gaming purposes had felt smart at the time, but now, it just means he can sleep during the day- which isn’t necessarily a good thing, if he’s being honest with himself. 

He perks up when his name is muttered, and Mingi adjusts to be sitting in bed now, leaning back against the headboard. He keeps his quilt around him, and the large, warm, cream coloured duvet drowns out his frame, which has gotten smaller since quarantine started.

The sleepy man’s ears pick up soft footfalls, much different from Yunho’s lumbering walk, and then “Mingi?”

He’s getting used to you coming over more. There’d been a period where you hadn’t seen either of your friends due to covid reasons, but two weeks ago you’d all decided to be in a three person bubble for your safety… and sanity. Now you’re here, and Mingi hopes this will brighten his mood.

You and Yunho have been friends with Mingi since you were young, and seeing his decline over the course of ‘the panini’ has been- well, the world has enough pain right now. 

You’re here to bring back the spark in Mingi’s life. He’s at his happiest when he’s situated between you and Yunho on the couch, a good Disney movie playing, and a box of pizza warming his thighs, which is exactly what you intend to give him.

“Come in!” Mingi responds to you, stretching his arms over his head, groaning at the way his muscles scream at him after being unused for so long. He’d been hunched over his computer gaming until the early hours of the morning, and the sun had all but burned him like a vampire when it had risen, prompting him to firmly shut his curtains and finally dive into the safety of blankets. Now he’s feeling the negative side effects of being all but half nocturnal. 

Your head peaks into his room a moment later, and you look around at the state of the space. Mingi’s life is a bit of a mess, and it’s reflected in the clothes that litter the ground, and the innumerable cups and plates scattered on every free surface. There’s a half eaten piece of pizza on Mingi’s nightstand and you’re pleased to see he has at least some food in here.

You’ll help him clean everything and get back on track with general tidiness later, but for now, you just want to get him out of this dark room. 

“Come have breakfast with us,” you suggest, “we made your favourite.”

Eggo waffles. Plain. Simple. Easy enough for the two men to make without almost burning down the building... although you’re pretty sure Yunho has lit a piece of toast on fire before, so maybe you have to reconsider the use of toasters.

Sometimes if Mingi’s feeling daring, he’ll add butter or syrup, but for the most part, Mingi is a plain waffle’s nightmare, his tummy a bottomless pit from which there is no eggo return. 

Mingi stands up slowly, and you note the way he brings his blanket with him. The white fabric half covers most of his bead head, but you can see hair standing every which way. His exhaustion is evident in his eyes, even more so when a moment later, they’re covered by his glasses, which only add to his disheveled appearance, half crooked on his pretty nose.

 “When did you go to sleep last night?” You ask with concern, pulling out a chair for Mingi to sit down in while Yunho deals with food in the kitchen. You can hear him aggressively forcing the toaster to pop before it’s time, and he hisses when he grabs the hot waffles with bare fingers, the heat scorching him, in classic Yunho fashion. 

“Five AM… ish.” Mingi answers, yawning and licking his lips. His eyes lock onto the plate of eggos that Yunho brings to the table, and before Yunho can even say ‘dig in’, Mingi is doing precisely that.

You watch as your sleepy friend bites into the waffle vigorously, at least his appetite seems to be good, and he definitely has the energy of a hungry shark now. You note the way his frame has shrunken slightly, even though it’s hidden by the large duvet that’s still wrapped around his shoulders.

You know these two haven't been eating great since lock down, but what the hell does Yunho feed him? Exclusively ramen?

You’re here now. Your suitcase in the corner and everything. And you are ready to get all of you back on track.

Yunho is doing well, all things considered, he even has a steady job delivering food on his bike. You think being outside clears his head and keeps him sane, you wonder what could be a Mingi equivalent. 

“Maybe we should make this breakfast more... substantial.” You say, standing to go search for peanut butter, or avocados, or something you could add to the plain eggo to make it more fatty-

“I like them this way.” Mingi argues, mouth half full of eggo while his fingers absentmindedly rip his food into little bite sized chunks. 

You sigh, crossing your arms over your chest as you watch your friend munch on his plain ass eggo. “Fine, but I need to go grocery shopping later. You guys have, like, no food.”

You and Yunho have already discussed this, but you’re hoping Mingi will volunteer to go with you. And you’re relieved when he does. He recommends his company begrudgingly, with a mouth still half filled with eggo, but he agrees to go with you, especially when Yunho reminds him that he can choose which snacks to buy.

“And wear some real clothes.” Yunho says as he moves to the living room in the small apartment, still able to talk to you and Mingi in the kitchen there. 

“This is real clothes.” Mingi responds, discarding his duvet to reveal the outfit underneath. He picks at his oversized hoodie, which (by the way it says TRACK) everyone realizes is Yunho’s, and shuffles his feet to make his grey sweatpants sway slightly around his legs. 

“There are cute girls at the store.” Yunho states, narrowing in on impressing females as an incentive to dress well.

“And there’s a cute girl right here,” Mingi points to you, and you’re aware that his words are completely objective. He’s said on many occasions that he thinks you’re beautiful, as a best friend. “She still gets to see this outfit.”

“Come on Mingi,” you sigh, looping your arm with his, “let me dress you.”

“Only If I get to choose your outfit too.”

“Deal.”

You’d chosen his outfit out of his closet, and he’d likewise secretly concocted an outfit for you from your suitcase. Upon your big reveal to each other, it turned out you’d both chosen overalls, hell, you had both even chosen purple sweaters!

Mingi looks cute as you walk through the grocery store. His sweater is fuzzy and lavender coloured, blue overalls half falling off his boney shoulder. A chrome silver bucket hat hides his hair, and although his face is half covered in a mask, you can still tell he’s beautiful underneath.

He’s opted for contacts - the baby blue surgical mask fogs up his glasses - and it’s interesting to see your best friend without his signature frames, which he’s been wearing pretty much non stop since the outbreak. Now that he’s not going out much, contacts feel like a hassle, and his eyes are more sensitive to them after months of low use- so he goes out as infrequently as possible.

Maybe it’s cyclical, Mingi knows that much, but he can’t manage to get himself out of this whole mess, doesn’t know what ‘normal’ even looks like anymore. 

But you’re here now, and look! Two hours in, and you already have him up and about. Hell, he’s even laughing with you in the ice cream aisle when you pull out a tub of Mint Chocolate Ice-cream to talk about the insanely hard core debates of being pro or anti the flavour… only to smack you with long sweater paws because he’s a huge fan of the flavour and you should know this as one of his best friends.

The store is almost empty, which is nice. Mingi doesn’t like seeing people nowadays. He likes it that you’re the only living person in the aisle with him, so he can focus his attention fully on you and not be constantly weary of the closeness of others and a contagion that gives him nightmares.

You’re his little sunshine, bounding around the store as he follows, a man starved for your light.

Yunho’s jaw drops when he sees lunch. He hasn’t seen this much food in- well, when was the last time he was even allowed to go see his mom?

It’s not that Yunho hasn’t tried to cook, he has- it’s just... he and Mingi can’t cook to save their lives. In fact, Yunho’s pretty sure Mingi nearly killed him by giving him food poisoning from a raw piece of chicken he’d given him by accident one time. Yunho had been half way through the rice bowl before he realized the meat wasn’t fully cooked.

“You made all of this?” he asks.

How long had he been in his room working out for?

You nod, linking your arm with the man next to you and leaning your head against a soft shoulder, “Mingi helped!”

“He did?” Yunho’s eyes narrow suspiciously at the food as he circles the kitchen counter, hesitantly reaching for a plate.

“He chopped things.” You clarify. 

Mingi had tried to help for a while... he’d almost chopped off a finger and you’d side lined him- but Yunho doesn’t have to know that.

You all sit down to eat. You’re used to cooking for these two, and you enjoy watching them. They eat like dogs... which is somewhat endearing. Mingi all but drools on the food and Yunho looks like he wants to lick his plate once he’s done with the chow mein- but it just tells you they truly like your food.

Yunho had invited you to live with them indefinitely. He said you could stay in his room, or he’d figure something out, if it meant Mingi cheered up. And you would all have people to be with for the Christmas holiday. Neither man had accepted your offer to pay rent during your time here, but you’ll be damned if you don’t help cook or clean when you can.

“What do you two want to do tonight?” Yunho asks when he sets his plate down on the table, it’s surface scraped clean. He lets out a sigh and kicks his feet out to rest them on your lap oboxiously, hands moving behind his head. You immediately tickle his heel and Yunho yelps a little, moving away from you with a glare as Mingi grins at your antics. 

“Movie.” Mingi says, answering Yunho’s question.

“Disney? Or Ghibli?” You ask, beginning to clear the table as Mingi finishes his food, pushing a piece of broccoli around his plate. Yunho joins you at the sink a moment later, and he allows you and Mingi to decide on a movie while he gets to washing dishes.

Totoro is chosen due to its, quote, “feel good vibez”, and you find yourself cuddled into Mingi’s side, fighting with two large hands for space in the popcorn bowl in Mingi’s lap. 

You can feel that Mingi has lost weight as you press to his side, and you kind of miss his lil belly. You cuddle against him and he leans on Yunho, who gives you a look that says ‘how the fuck did I end up being at the bottom of this pile’  but he gives in and allows it.

You’re not sure when you fall asleep, or when Mingi does, all you know, is that you do- because you wake up some time later, on the couch in Mingi’s arms, and Yunho is nowhere to be seen.

Mingi hasn’t slept this well in ages. You’re so warm, and you smell so nice. Mingi misses the days where this was acceptable. But you’ve both been single for so long, so there’s no pesky jealous significant others to care, besides, the world could end tomorrow-

Mingi reminds himself not to think this way, his therapist told him to anchor himself when he gets like this. He focuses on the warmth of your body and could easily doze off again-

You shift and Mingi releases his hold on you, as if shocked by your movement. You turn over to look at him, “You okay?” you ask, equally frazzled by his sudden motion and jumpiness.

“Yeah, you?” 

“I’m good.” You roll to look forward again, and a moment later, his arm wraps around you, securing you to his chest once more. He takes a deep breath, the warmth of it fanning over your neck and tickling you after he exhales. 

It’s winter break, and although Yunho works when he wants to, you don’t really have anything you have to do, which means you have all the time in the world to relax.

You reach for the remote and get more comfortable in Mingi’s embrace, settling back against him tighter, eager for the warmth his body provides.

Mingi is a little surprised that you’re so comfortable cuddling with him. 

There was one time, in first year, where you’d been cuddling and he’d gotten a stiffie- it had been accidental, he’d assured you, but, well, you must be over it, he supposes. 

You’re one of his best friends, but he doesn’t get super touchy with you- or at least, he hadn’t before Covid, but if there’s one thing the ‘panini’ has taught him, it’s that he adores human contact.

Maybe you do too.

“Where do you remember to?” you ask, eyes scanning scenes as you skip through the movie to find where you’d left off before falling asleep.

Mingi shrugs behind you, letting out a deep sigh and a yawn that warps his words in a way that brings a smile to your face, “I don't know.”

You make a sound to signify you’re thinking hard, and then you start the movie at the fifteen minute mark, there’s no harm in rewatching if it brings you joy.

Mingi laughs a little at your choice, and you settle under the covers again now that the time’s been decided on- Yunho must have brought you both a blanket? You don’t remember this comforter being over you the night before.

As the movie starts up, Mingi finds himself paying more attention to you than the movie. You're the perfect size for him, and he can see the screen over your head. It feels natural to watch this movie with you, you’ve been watching it since you were kids.

“Do you remember the totoro stuffie I got you for your seventh birthday?” You ask, seeming to have read his mind.

“Of course.” Mingi answers, “My mom still has it. I wanted to take it with me when we all moved for uni, but she said if I was leaving, Totoro had to stay for my bed.” 

From the huskiness of his voice, you can tell he’s half asleep. You listen to the way he inhales, feel his chest expand behind you and then his breath teases your hair.

You watch the whole movie like this, leaving Yunho to his own morning devices. He pops up as the movie is ending, looking sleepy with his bed head sticking up all over the place. He comes to collapse onto the couch, forcing you and Mingi to move your feet to make room for him, then runs a hand through his messy locks. 

“How did you two sleep?” he asks, pulling up the hood of his black hoodie so he can get comfortable in his corner of the couch, moving his arm across the back of the sofa as he stretches.

“Really good.” Mingi answers, still in a peaceful state as he cuddles you closer to his chest.

Yunho smiles as he watches the both of you. Of course your presence would flip a switch in his friend. The three of you have been close for years, and if there’s one thing Yunho has seen about your friendship with Mingi, it’s that you always, without fail, bring a smile to his face. 

You’ve known Mingi longer than you’ve known Yunho, who had moved to your neighbourhood when he was twelve. You and Mingi had been hanging out and biking around your street one day when some highschoolers had singled Mingi out as a target. Yunho had come storming out of his yard, younger than the bullies, but still a force to be reckoned with, and from that day forth, he’d been an irreplaceable member of your little trio. 

Although you and Mingi are always talking about the three of you as a ‘trio’ and as ‘the three musketeers’, sometimes Yunho still feels like the new kid on the block, watching two best friends wheel down the street without him, waiting for an opportunity to become needed and relevant. 

He and Mingi share something that neither man will ever be able to have with you, Yunho supposes, and that’s the shared male experience. They can talk about girls and sex, they can drink and play video games, and be gross in front of each other- they can do all of these things-

But watching Mingi cuddle you close to his chest, Yunho thinks he’ll never be able to have that with you, because you’re Mingi’s… even though Yunho knows you’re technically not. He can’t shake the feeling that the two of you are soulmates, that it should be you living here with Mingi, not him.

He’d been shocked when Mingi asked him if he wanted to get a place together, but at the start of uni, Yunho thinks there may have been some discussion about you and Mingi having an apartment only for there to be negative parental opinions on co-ed habitation. 

Now, you’re all nearly done university and there’s a global pandemic, so co-ed habitation had been a necessary speed bump towards Mingi’s recovery, one you were all willing to drive over at full speed, parents be damned.

“What are you thinking about?” Your voice distracts the sleepy man at the end of the couch, and your foot pushes at his thigh.

“Nothing. Just thinking.” 

“Sure.” You say sarcastically, but you don’t push him, instead turning your attention back to the movie.

You’re all quite sleepy still, and the grey sky outside doesn’t help with the sombre mood. You think today will be a nice lazy day, although, you suppose most days are when you can’t really leave the house much. Halfway through the movie Yunho’s phone lets out a familiar notification noise, a noise that belongs to only one app: tinder. 

Your eyes shift to your own phone, turned off and sitting on the coffee table just out of reach. You wonder if you’ve had any tinder messages- although, do you really care? It’s not like you’re going to meet up with anyone on the app, however it feels nice to be wanted, especially when you’re in the presence of two men who are most definitely wanted, even needed. 

Part of you hopes Yunho has better luck on tinder than you do, but another part of you hopes he doesn’t, because if he does, what will that mean for your bubble? What will that mean for you? Your trio couldn’t possibly fit another girl… a foursome- you grimace at the very thought of it.

You’ve all dated people at one time or another, but it’s never been during a global pandemic. It’s never been when things have felt at their most fragile.

You’re nearly done with your shower when the bathroom door opens. For a moment, you almost think your ears are playing tricks on you, but a second later, you hear the sink turn on and your body freezes under the hot water. 

“Uh… Mingi?”

“Nah, it’s me.” Comes Yunho’s deep voice. “Just have to brush my teeth.” 

A scratchy sound joins the noise of the shower, but besides that, neither of you speak. You stand, naked, and feeling more vulnerable than ever, in the shower while your friend brushes his teeth. Your heart is racing in your chest and you find yourself staring at the curtain, the flimsy piece of material hiding your nude form from Yunho.

You hear him spit, and then tap his toothbrush against the side of the sink, then he says, “thanks. I’m going for a run.” 

The shower curtain rustles slightly when Yunho opens the door to the bathroom and disturbs the air, which has begun to feel stagnant and suffocating, and you listen carefully to the click of it shutting.

You wait, recollecting yourself. You turn to face the shower head and close your eyes, allowing the natural healing properties of water to wash over your body and calm your racing heart. 

You’re living with Yunho and Mingi now, indefinitely, and you guess with one bathroom in the apartment, run-ins like this are inevitable. However, you’d not been prepared for it, and your body is reacting in a way that is as unexpected as Yunho’s sudden entry.

Your core feels tingly between your legs as water washes away any remnants of sin, any indicators your body put out that you were delighted by Yunho’s close proximity. But even the water can’t wash the memory of the feeling from your brain, and when you exit the shower and wipe the mirror, getting a good look at yourself, you can see that you’re flushed, skin heated from more than just the shower. 

You swallow thickly, biting at your lip.

Thinking about Yunho and the way your body reacted to him is making it go into a frenzy all over again - or maybe you’re just a little anxious about this primal reaction - either way, your hand instinctively goes towards your core. Surely you have a few minutes-

Someone raps their knuckles hard against the door and your heart jumps in your chest, shame blossoming and bringing more heat to your skin, “Yes?” your voice cracks and you swallow again, pressing a hand to your forehead in annoyance at yourself. 

“I gotta pee.” It’s Mingi this time, and you’re glad he had the decency to knock. 

“I’ll be out in a sec.” You wrap your towel tightly around your body, giving yourself a once over and double checking to be sure your towel is secure before you head out of the bathroom.

Mingi is standing there in the skeleton onesie he’s been wearing for two days straight, and he almost blends into the darkness of the hallway, shocking you momentarily with his form.

He looks you up and down, lips parted, circular glasses slipping down his nose only to be readjusted. Then he’s stepping past you, into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and you’re heading to his room, where your suitcase and clothes are waiting.

When you reach Mingi’s door, the sound of the shower turning on effectively calms you down. Mingi’s busy and Yunho’s gone, which gives you complete privacy as you change in Mingi’s room, pulling on one of the many spare onesies he keeps in his closet. You settle on the pikachu one that’s missing a tail from the time your friend, Wooyoung, had lit it on fire at a party. 

There’s nothing like two people wearing onesies to kill all the sexual tension that Covid has brought into your co-ed friendship. 

Mingi’s groan slips out, and he slaps a wet hand over his mouth, sinking his teeth into his own lower lip as his other hand works his cock harder.

His toes curl in the water below, and Yunho’s words momentarily echo through his brain - ‘you’re so weird for liking to have warm feet when you cum’ he’d said fondly when he’d found Mingi plugs the drain of the tub when he showers for maximum comfort - and it causes Mingi to falter. 

He’d been thinking about you this whole time, and Yunho’s voice is an intrusion in his fantasy- although it’s not an entirely unwelcome one, Mingi realizes with interest. 

His hand remembers it’s task, thumb swiping expertly over his tip and making his toes curl again in the warm water below. Mingi breathes in the hot, saturated air - it’s laced with the smell of your shampoo from the shower you’d just taken - and Mingi is so overstimulated that he cums... with Yunho’s voice still on the periphery of his mind.

Outside the shower, the unique sound of a tinder notification cuts through Mingi’s panting and the spray of water.

The fact that he can’t get laid right now without disclosing it to your covid-bubble is infuriating- but Mingi never really responds to girls on tinder anyways.

The three of you are on a short walk when an ice cream truck catches everyone's attention. You and Mingi turn towards it like dogs after a ball, and Yunho is left scrambling for his wallet, because of course, you and Mingi are in onesies and never bring money, phones, or anything on evening walks now.

“Here,” Yunho says, handing a bill out to you and Mingi, “get me something with chocolate.” he instructs, grabbing Mingi’s arm, “put your mask up.” he reminds the younger man, who’s been getting more cocky (or perhaps just forgetful) with your presence.

Yunho’s sure he would have remembered to put the mask up, but with you, Mingi’s doe like innocence has returned, and Yunho can’t help but baby him a little more than is probably necessary. 

Five minutes later, you and Mingi have returned, sporting matching treats, with a chocolate dipped cone for Yunho. 

You continue your walk and Yunho doesn’t mind walking behind you and Mingi, who link arms and stand out like sore thumbs in your onesies in the middle of a nearly deserted campus. But Yunho supposes the few people that are here aren’t anyone to judge either, and you’ll all be graduating soon so it’s not like you have to win popularity points with people you see everyday…

Yunho misses life pre panini. 

And while you and Mingi have grown in some aspects, like the ability to wear whatever you want on campus, you shrink back to anxious muffins who need your big protector for help the moment much social interaction is needed.

Yunho knows you can fend for yourself, but in your little pikachu onesie- well, he thinks you might be milking this whole thing just to use him, and not in a negative sense. Every time he steps up to do something manly, you get this look in your eye that a seasoned frat boy like Yunho knows like the back of his hand - despite the fact that he hasn’t been to a frat function or party in months. 

It’s just starting to get dark out, and this is when you reach behind you for Yunho, who lets you link your arm with his as you get to the green space of your campus, where it’s a nice, short distance back to their apartment with lots of space for you to walk in a line of three like this. 

You take a deep breath, “movie?”

“I’m in.” Mingi says, “but which one?”

“I don’t know, do we have a list?” You ask.

“I think you do on your phone.”

It’s a good three minutes of walking and fiddling with phones before someone produces a list, and only then do you ask what Yunho wants to do. 

“I think I'm going to sleep early.” Yunho says. 

“Oh.”

So far, every night has felt like a sleep over, but you suppose Yunho is the type to sleep early, so he’s been roughing his sleep schedule up quite a bit already to have spent these past few nights with you. 

You and Mingi can’t decide on a movie the whole way home, and even when you get to the apartment, you can’t come to an agreement. Finally, you ask Yunho what he thinks, and he directs you in the exact right path, finding a happy medium for you and Mingi.

As Yunho retreats to his room, you can hear his phone dinging, a tinder notification, and his head dips down to read messages. When he gets to his door, you catch a nice glimpse of his side profile as he pushes it open, and you clearly see a smirk.

The door closes, and you try to get settled with Mingi, but all you can hear the whole movie is the dinging of Yunho receiving texts.

“I want popcorn.” Mingi groans, curling closer to your body and hiding his face in your neck.

“Me too.” you pout, lifting your eyes- to remember that Yunho’s side of the couch is empty, because he’s in his bedroom instead of here with you and Mingi watching Finding Nemo for the tenth time. 

You’re used to having someone who’s ready to jump up and do anything to get out of a stationary position on the couch- Yunho’s been even more restless since gyms closed down when the pandemic started. 

It feels weird to not have Yunho here, especially since he’s in the same apartment as you but is just choosing to be in his own room. 

A tinder notification rings, but this time it’s not from Yunho, it’s from your own phone. 

You’d redownloaded the app this afternoon and had forgotten all about it.

Mingi sits up, fixing his glasses as his eyes narrow in on your phone. He smirks, “do you have tinder?”

“Redownloaded it.” you respond, grabbing your phone to turn it on silent. “We can’t meet up with anyone. I just like the confidence boost.” you say smoothly, sitting up now that Mingi’s let you go. “Popcorn?”

“Actually I'm kind of tired.” Mingi admits, rubbing the back of his neck. He yawns a moment later.

“Okay, then go to sleep, I’m pretty tired too.”

Mingi smiles softly at you, pulling you in for a hug before he stands, his grey sweatpants hanging dangerously low on his hips, which are exposed along with a sliver of pretty flesh when his shirt rides up with a stretching motion followed by a groan that has your legs squeezing together before you even register what you’re doing. 

Luckily, he doesn’t seem to notice, and heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth. 

You wait until he’s done before being the last to clean up for bed, and then you go to sleep on the couch. You’re just drifting off when someone’s phone dings from a tinder notification.

You take a deep breath and sigh.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

“Mingi-”

“Please?”

“Fine- just don’t say it like that.” You groan, handing your phone with tinder open to Mingi and grabbing his own so you can do some snooping. 

Your best friend settles into the couch, his shoulder leaning against yours as he angles your phone towards you, “should we swipe?”

“Okay.” you get comfortable against him and he looks at the first dude’s image on the app.

“No.” he swipes immediately, “oops, no right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah as in yes you liked him, or yeah as in yeah no?”

“Mingi let me swipe.” you grab your phone from him, “I’ll go slowly.” you promise.

The first three guys are all left swipes, no. And the forth one makes you both stop and shrug, giving him a right swipe, yes. 

You do this for a few minutes and just when you’re about to turn off your phone, Mingi lets out a gasp.

Grinning up at you, is Yunho.

The first picture is Yunho on a busy street in New York. Mingi had taken it that time you’d all gone to America in summer after first year. In his black and white flannel, which had always been so cozy, Yunho was the focal point of the picture, and it made you smile immediately at the memory. 

The second picture was taken by you the next summer, in Paris. It had been late, and the Eiffel tower had lit up. All of you had been a little drunk on a bottle of wine, due to the the fact that all you’d eaten all day was a single, fresh, warm baguette (which had sounded good in the morning at the bakery, but had since become cold… and been used as a sword in a sword fight on three separate occasions).  Throwing up the peace sign, the flash had lit up Yunho’s cheeks, and you’d all laughed the night away.

The third picture has Mingi in it, which oddly enough, doesn’t surprise you in the slightest. You’d said something to make the pair laugh, and you’d caught Mingi with his mouth wide open as he’d all but fallen on the floor at your antics. Mingi looks beautiful in the picture, but you have to admire the way Yunho’s soft denim brings out his dark hair-

“There are no more pictures.” You voice your sadness when your swiping comes to an end. You immediately go for Yunho’s bio, which matches the minimalist picture choices and reads: ‘protective of my bubble but after covid… hikes, dogs, kins major, traveling.’

He has pretty people privilege, you think to yourself. He’s able to get away with a bad bio - well it’s not bad, but it’s sparse- because he’s so god damned cute. 

Before you know what you’re doing, you’re hitting yes, and as Mingi erupts about your right swipe, your tinder screen lights up with the word ‘MATCH’, and Mingi all but launches himself off the couch.

“Shh!” you hush him, before you remember that Yunho’s gone this afternoon and won’t be home until he comes with dinner in about an hour. Which means you can be as loud about this as you want.

“You matched with Yunho!”

“Have you ever matched with people you know in real life?” you question quickly, trying to cover up the fact that your thumb had simply reacted on impulse and you’d forgotten for a moment that Yunho, as your friend, is off limits. But you can feel your skin heating with embarrassment- you hope Mingi doesn’t notice.

“Actually yeah.” Mingi sits down again, “that must be it.”

You can’t help the way your stomach falls at his words, so dismissive. You guess Yunho and Mingi have never talked about this- and you also guess Mingi has no reason - from any prior talks with Yunho - to suspect he’s interested in you. 

“I always match with girls I know.” Mingi says, running a hand through his hair absentmindedly.

He has no idea he’s rubbing salt in your wound. 

Yunho comes home with Chinese takeout. He always manages to get your favourite dish for each of you, and one thing you all enjoy so that you all have a good time eating together while watching your after dinner movie. 

You and Mingi are both on edge about the tinder match, and when you all sit down, Yunho sighs deeply, “someone spit it out.”

“Spit what out.” Mingi asks innocently, adjusting on the carpet as he lifts his full plate to his chest level and digs in with chopsticks. 

“Whatever is making you both look at me.” Yunho sets his food down and crosses his arms over his chest, the obvious statement being: i'm not eating until you talk.

You sigh. “Have you opened tinder recently?”

“This is about us matching.” 

Yunho’s words ring in the air for a moment and Mingi puts his food down, taking a sip of water. This isn’t the type of conversation you eat through, and he knows it.

“We all have tinder.” Yunho points out. “Have you not matched with each other already?”

You both shake your heads, muttering excuses that make both of you a lot calmer. You’d both just not seen each other. Neither of you had wanted to ask. But it’s clear now and that’s-

“What if you had?” Yunho asks. 

Mingi opens his mouth then closes it… then opens it again, “what do you even have tinder for?”

“To find someone to talk to until after covid.” Yunho responds smoothly.

“Until after covid.” Mingi rolls his eyes, the pessimistic, depressed side of him jumping out, “as if this will ever really end. Dating has changed now, forever! I need proof of vaccination-”

“Mingi-” you settle your hand on his arm, “things will be okay.”

“I don’t trust people.” Mingi states.

“You trust us.” you point out, gently poking his side, gently enough to have him squirming but able to get away if he wants.

“I do.”

“Why do you have tinder?” Yunho asks, nudging you with his knee, which you’d been leaning against on your seat next to Mingi on the floor. 

“You know, one of my new online friends said ‘why get a boyfriend when you already have two’.” you admit, immediately regretting it and feeling your skin flush, fear of rejection bubbling in your gut.

“Which friend said that?” Yunho’s amused laugh makes you gnaw at your lip and you feel him sit up and lean over you, one large hand landing on your shoulder. 

“The one-” your breath catches as Mingi’s fingers land on your leg, which is exposed today in little silk shorts because it has been warmer than usual in the apartment lately- or maybe that's just the presence of two huge furnace boys- you swear Mingi’s fingers leave warmth as they trail up your skin to where your shorts meet your upper thigh.

“We’re like you’re two boyfriends in almost every way… but what about the ways that count?” Mingi looks up at you with sparkly eyes, lips parted slightly. He looks so vulnerable. “You’d match with me on tinder right?”

“Of course-”

“I only trust you guys.” Mingi breathes again, looking at you and then up past your shoulder at Yunho, who pushes you forward with his leg, then he slides down to be sitting on the floor behind you, cradling your body with his as he relaxes back against the couch and you lean back against his strong body.

“So if all of us are looking for something on tinder, that we can’t possibly get on tinder, because we can only trust our own bubble, does it not make sense, for us to get that thing from each other? Whom we all trust?” Mingi’s pushing the coffee table away so he can kneel between your legs, his hands coming to touch you, only to be smacked away by Yunho. After that Mingi keeps his hands on his lap.

“We shouldn’t have let you practice debate with Wooyoung.” Yunho sighs behind you, his large chest making your mouth water when it expands with an inhale, “He and San took that class together in year one and now they have sugar mommies who fly them to Dubai-”

“Which is why they’re not in our bubble.” Mingi says, his hand reaching out to play with your ankle, fingers simply brushing your skin there, as gently as a butterfly’s kiss.

“It also helps that you live here.” Yunho says from behind you.

You watch Mingi practically eye fuck your bare skin - but he keeps his touch limited to your ankle, and you can’t help the words that bubble in your throat: “such a good boy waiting for permission.”

You know Mingi. And you know him enough to know this is right up his alley. You’ve spent the last few days watching him perk up at the slightest sound of admiration. Any compliment can make him smile, and this one- Mingi bites his bottom lip and shuffles closer.

“Do I take this as a yes?” Yunho asks from behind you. Funny how his voice has dipped and he’s turned the tables on you, taking control of the dom moment you’d created… in a way that gets you to verbalize consent. You think Yunho’s the absolute sweetest, sexiest, dom alive.

“Yes.” you breathe.

“Yes to what sorts of things?” Yunho’s hand suddenly comes to your throat, pulling you back with your head tipped to his shoulder. You feel his breath on your neck and you nearly moan, having to give all your control to Yunho by the way he dips you backward.

You can hardly speak already- so enraptured with the turn of events with your best friends. Yunho laughs against your ear and this prompts you to finally say, “you can be the dom. I like choking, spanking, size kink-” He presses you against his body, tilting your head back, and this time he presses a kiss to where your neck meets your shoulder, left bare by the loose fitting t shirt you’d stolen from Mingi’s closet that’s way too large for you. 

“How about this, if it’s too much, say red. If you’ve never done it and want us to stop or take a breather, say yellow. Got it?”

It takes a moment, and a squeeze of your neck, for you to realize he wants you to say “got it.”

“From now on, I'll want verbal confirmation when I ask things. And princess?”

He relaxes his hold on you so you can turn in his embrace, resting a hand on his chest to steady yourself as you look up into those familiar dark eyes. “Yes?”

“It’s sir.”

“Yes, sir.” 

Yunho grabs you with one strong hand cupping the back of your head and pulling your lips to his. The position is a little difficult, and a moment later you’re scrambling to straddle Yunho, trying not to break the kiss.

His lips taste like mint, and you suppose he chews on gum under his mask when he goes to grab food. Yunho’s tongue explores your mouth just the right amount, and when his fingers grasp your hair roughly to make you gasp- you’re all but losing it.

Yunho’s other hand is on your waist now, moving to the small of your back and then up against your bare skin while he sucks on your lower lip and makes you moan, hips moving - looking for friction- of their own accord.

“So desperate huh?” Yunho’s words are like a rush of cold water, and your eyes snap open. “Mingi’s going wild for you, look.” you realize he’s not talking about you, and your body floods with warmth again. “You both hate degradation and only enjoy praise, but it’s good for edging, sorry, it’s in my nature.” he tugs on your hair so you have to expose your neck to him and he lets his lips get close to you but not touching your skin, a form of teasing that has you wiggling in his grasp. “Are you okay with a little degradation for pay off later?”

“Holy shit- sir!” you stutter, remembering your manners, “where did you uh, where did you learn this?”

Yunho sighs and lets go of you, allowing you to fall into his lap again, and he turns you to face Mingi, but he keeps you enwrapped in a bear hug. “I was seeing this girl, our age, with her dom sugar daddy. He was like, 35.” Yunho brushes it off, and to be fair, you’re used to this kind of thing with Wooyoung and San around… or should you say in Dubai with their sugar mama. “Anyways, he taught me dom etiquette with her. We went to three bdsm clubs right before covid, and then when the pandemic hit, they moved back to his home city across the country, so here we are.”

“And you’ve been pent up for all this time, sir?” You can’t help but taunt your best friend, especially when you can’t see his face, but his squeeze reminds you of his size and how easy it would be for him to crush you.

You can’t help but squeak and Yunho grins, “yes, my little chew toy.”

The pet name is kind of shameful, but at the same time it’s cute, and you’re not quite sure what to feel about it as Yunho turns his attention from you to Mingi. “She makes such cute sounds, our little chew toy, doesn’t she Mingi-ah?” 

Mingi nods fervently, shifting closer again, his fingers return to your ankles.

“See what other sounds she makes.” Yunho’s voice has dipped an octave, and that’s how you know this isn’t a request, it’s a command. Just as it looks like Mingi’s going to lunge at you, Yunho is lifting you up, “But first-” he says, “a bed is more comfy.”

You’re all still fully clothed, and when Yunho carries you over his shoulder towards his room, it’s almost familiar. In fact, he’s done this before, when you’d been drunk two new years ago in his living room and he’d carried you to sleep in his bed so he could make sure you were safe for the night (and he’d taken the floor despite your insistence there was room for him).

Now he’s going to make sure you’re safe in… other ways? You suppose if nothing else, you can chalk this up to being safe by staying within your bubble for sex, which is responsible. You’re setting a safety example in fact-

Yunho places you up near the headboard, and then he gets behind you, cradling your body again. His large hands slide down to your knees, which are tucked up slightly, and then they glide down your thighs to your silky shorts, “take these off for us?” he prompts.

“Yes, sir.”

“Let me.” Mingi’s voice chirps up from the foot of the bed, and you’re shocked he’s volunteering for anything- he has a new spark in his eye though, and it delights you, as do his fingers, which brush your abdomen and hook in your shorts. He looks up at you with those eyes that you adore, a silent question on his lips.

You lift your hips for him.

Within moments you're nude from the waist down, and Yunho secures you against his chest, putting his hand over your eyes and turning your world into darkness. “Focus on him, okay?” Yunho whispers, teeth tugging on your earlobe for a moment when you tilt your neck to present it to him. 

“Okay sir.” you breathe.

Yunho’s hand remains firmly over your eyes, blocking everything else out. 

You feel the bed dip between your legs, and a moment later, breath fans across your core, making you squirm in Yunho’s steady grasp.

“Mingi-ah!” you whine, enthralled by the neediness of your own voice- dumbification might be one of your kinks, and you’re halfway there. You realize, from Yunho smirking by your ear and relaxing behind you, that he’s left your mouth uncovered so your sounds can spur on Mingi, who, as he’s established, enjoys praise.

You grab at Yunho’s thighs, supporting yourself as Mingi pushes yours open to access your pussy.

Mingi’s hands squeeze your soft flesh and you bite on your lower lip, waiting anxiously for his first movement.

“Be nice to him.” Yunho suggests in your ear.

“Please Mingi-ah.” You pout and that’s all it takes for him to dive into your core with his tongue. His fingers dig into your thighs, keeping you held down, as you push up against his face, whimpers leaving your lips.

He feels so good- he has to be an oral god, you don’t think it’s this amazing  just because you haven’t had sex in a long time. No, Mingi definitely knows what he’s doing, his tongue pressing into your entrance and curling in a way that you’ve never felt before. 

You push your hips forward, eager for more, and you dig your nails into Yunho’s thighs, revelling in his massive form behind you and his hand still covering your eyes and making the whole experience more extreme. You can feel Mingi everywhere, his palms working your flesh as he pushes your legs up towards your chest.

You can feel the bed rocking slightly, and it’s not from you or Yunho, which means Mingi is humping the bed while he eats you out, and the idea brings a gush of wetness to your entrance. You moan loudly, reaching up to grab at Yunho’s hand, “I wanna see Mingi-ah.” you moan, “please sir?”

Yunho adheres to your request and light floods your vision. You blink, adjusting, and focus on Mingi, who looks up at you from between his legs. 

Your slick is covering his lips and there’s a pretty wet spot on the tip of his nose. His eyes are glazed over and when you reach down to grab a fistfull of his soft hair, he groans, lids fluttering shut as his hips press to the bed again.

He’s so beautiful like this.

“If Mingi makes you cum, you’ll be good and return the favour right princess?” Yunho’s deep voice returns to your ear, his lips pressing to the sensitive skin of your neck and making a shiver run through your body.

You swallow thickly and nod, “yes sir.”

“Then he better hurry before he pops.” you can feel Yunho smirk against your skin, and your pussy flutters at the slight degradation of his words. Mingi lets out a whine that tells you he’s picked up on the rudeness too, and his fingers flex, digging his digits into your thighs to push them up against your chest again, his tongue diving back into your heat with a new enthusiasm.

Suddenly Yunho is grabbing your jaw, forcing you to turn so he can meet your lips. His fingers move to your throat and you gasp into the kiss, your orgasm building as Mingi works his tongue against you even harder. 

When you cum, it’s like the first time you’ve cum in ages. Sure, you’ve made yourself orgasm during quarantine, but it’s never felt like this. Has anything ever felt like this? Your entire body is awash with warm pleasure, Yunho holding you firmly, releasing your throat and lips to leave you able to moan while Mingi’s tongue works you through your high, despite your attempts to thrash around in the Kinesiology major’s strong grasp.

You’re not sure how long you cum for, only that when you finally finish, you’re breathless and left gasping. Your eyes are shut and you lean back against Yunho, closing your legs when Mingi backs off. A little aftershock tingles through your body, making you shake, and Yunho chuckles behind you, warm hands smoothing up and down your arms. 

“Ready for more?” His breath is hot against your neck and it lights the fire in you again. You open your eyes and nod, reaching out for Mingi who is quick to all but fall into your embrace, his lips molding against yours for the first time tonight.

He tastes like pussy, which is incredibly sexy given the fact that it’s yours. Mingi kisses you drunkenly, with just enough tongue for it to be fun sloppy without being too much, no, instead it betrays how needy he is for you. 

One of Mingi’s hands finds your upper thigh and he pushes himself up against you, pressing you further into Yunho’s chest.

“Do you want him?” Yunho’s voice makes you mewl.

“Yes, sir.”

“Then do something about it.” 

You reach for the waistband of Mingi’s sweatpants, fingers brushing over what must be the head of his cock as you do so. Mingi lets out a groan, rubbing his forehead against yours while he looks down at your hands, which work on getting him free of his confinements. 

“Take your shirt off Gi.” you breathe, voice sounding heavy in the quiet of the room now that you’re taking off your best friend’s clothes. 

“Oh, right.” He mutters to himself, adjusting on his knees so he can remove his shirt.

“Yunho?” You reach behind you for the man who’s yet to undress at all. 

“I’ll wait.” Yunho assures you, pressing a soft kiss to your shoulder. He doesn't chastise you for not calling him sir, and you think it’s nice to have a small break in the scene to check in with each other. The man behind you is your best friend, even if he can slip into a scary hard dom degrader and edge lord mind frame when he wants to. 

Instead of taking off any of his own clothes, Yunho removes your shirt, followed by your bra, making you fully naked for them both. His lips press soft kisses against your shoulder and he adjusts you to be sitting comfortably while Mingi gets between your legs again.

His eyes immediately fixate on your exposed tits, and Mingi licks his lips, he makes a whimpery sound and Yunho sighs behind you, “he has a bit of a nipple kink, that’s not going to be a problem is it?” Yunho’s voice is rich and smooth like chocolate behind you and you mewl in response, pushing your chest out.

“No, sir.”

“Good.” Yunho presses a kiss to your bare shoulder and then one of his large hands moves up to massage one of your free breasts, pinching your nipple roughly between two fingers. Mingi, meanwhile, latches his lips to your free boob, pressing slopping kisses to your skin and groping you with a large, warm palm.

His sweats are low on his hips and you can feel his hard cock just begging to slip free of it’s confinements every time he ruts against you while sucking on your tits. You grab at his soft hair, gasping and resting your head back against Yunho’s shoulder, able to feel your pussy nearly throbbing with excitement. “Mingi-ah!” you moan, feeling so desperately needy now that you’re this close to getting cock after how fucking long?

“Need you!” You tell him, pulling his face away from your chest by his hair and pressing a desperate kiss to his lips while your other hand slips between your bodies to shove at the waistband of his pants. Mingi helps you get them down just enough for his cock to be out, and then he holds himself up and aligns his length with your entrance.

“Fuck Gi, you’re so big.” you whine with delight, tingles of anticipation running over every inch of exposed skin.

Yunho is warm behind you, a solid thing holding you up. You both look down at Mingi when he finally pushes into your core, and the moan you let out is quickly eaten up by the man who is all but splitting you open as he pushes inch after inch after inch… after inch into you. 

When his hips are flush to yours, your nails are digging into his shoulders and you’re all but gasping, legs nearly quivering at his sides. Mingi’s first thrust pushes you back against Yunho, and you can feel the delightful ridges of his chest with every snap of Mingi’s hips as he finds a nice pace and begins kissing you again with even more fervour than before. 

Fingers press to your clit and even Mingi’s lips can’t stop the moan from escaping you as Yunho begins to work you up again, forcing your core to tighten and flutter around Mingi who lets out his own whimpers of appreciation. 

Mingi pushes up to be on his knees, and each man seems to work in unison, grabbing a leg to hike you up and off the bed so you’re suspended by their strength right where Mingi wants you. Your hands find Yunho’s thighs, pressing down and keeping you steady while Mingi picks up the pace, the new angle causing him to drive into your gspot with nearly every thrust.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god-” is all you can say as your orgasm builds and builds and builds-

“Our little cock slut is desperate for another release Gi.” Yunho’s condescending tone returns and sends a shiver over your body, your toes curling at his words. “Should we give it to her?”

“Please sir?” you whimper, not sure if it’s your turn to talk or not, but also wanting to have at least some input. You’re so close to cumming, and your brain is so foggy from the endorphins rushing through you. You don’t mean to, not really, but you keep saying “please.” as you press kisses to Mingi’s face, hoping to spur him on.

Yunho’s fingers are still on your clit and he’s keeping you just on the edge, not giving you enough to make you cum, just enough to have you desperate for the orgasm that you know is going to be just as intense, if not more so, as your first. 

“You two can cum.” Yunho’s words are enough for your body, and your pussy clamps down on Mingi’s cock just as Yunho’s fingers press harder to your clit, earning a wail from your lips as your core flutters over and over again with pleasure. 

You feel suspended in space. Suspended between two big men, both of whom keep you up during your high. Mingi cums too you think, based on the way he smashes his face into your neck and sucks on the skin, muffled whimpering sounds reaching your ears and only prolonging the high.

When his hips finally come to a stop, Mingi kisses up to your face again, blinking at you cutely as he and Yunho set you back down on the bed. Mingi pulls his pants back up and flops down on his tummy next to you, tired. He smiles up at you with a hazy expression. You know you must look wrecked, and you can barely open your eyes as you try to catch your breath, still overcome by what just happened.

Yunho’s strong arms wrap around you again, thumb coming up to brush against your nipple and making you shiver, then his lips press to your bare shoulder, “how do you feel?”

You swallow thickly, “good, sir.”

Yunho chuckles against your skin, letting out a low humming sound. “Good girl always remembers her manners huh? Coming here, cooking for us, cleaning, encouraging walks. Good girls get rewards right?”

You let out a delighted moan in response, leaning back against the warmth of his body, “yes, sir.”

“So what movie do you want to watch princess?” a soft kiss to your shoulder again, and something like a splash of cold water against the face.

Your eyes open in confusion, and even Mingi is looking up again, tilting his head. “No movie, I want you, sir.” you state, unable to help the brattiness in your voice.

Yunho hums lowly, “another time.”

“Why?” Surprisingly it’s not you who asks, it’s Mingi, and he’s frowning at the man behind you.

You also turn in Yunho’s grasp until you’re sideways, legs resting on one of Yunho’s thighs, and you look up at him with big eyes, waiting.

Yunho stays quiet for a few moments. “I don’t want to do anything you’ll regret later.” he finally states.

Now it’s your turn to be quiet. You and Mingi exchange a glance of confusion before both of you look up at Yunho again, then you’re both talking at once: “anything we’ll regret?” Mingi asks as you say “as if we would ever regret-”

Yunho’s hand falls over your mouth, shutting you both up effectively even though Mingi doesn’t have to be quiet as you do. 

“What if you two start dating?” Yunho’s question rings in your ears. “You’ve always been a good pair, don’t you think it’s possible that you might want to be together and then this whole thing would be weird if you let me fuck you?”

You lick at Yunho’s hand and he groans, removing it from your mouth. Now that you’re able to speak, you sit up quickly, adjusting to be on your knees between Yunho’s legs, facing him directly as you cup his face, “Yunho. We’re the three musketeers, emphasis on three. I don’t think either Mingi or I came into this thinking you saw us as a ‘pair’.” 

“You really think we don’t need you too?” Mingi asks, also in disbelief. 

“After all this time, after all the years, and you still think me and Mingi are a pair and you’re just what? An outsider?” 

Yunho refuses to answer, in fact, he looks down, only to realize you’re still fully naked and his eyes are directly on your tits, so then he sighs and moves his gaze to the ceiling, groaning loudly. 

“Yunho.” you grab at his jaw, “you’re part of this too. But I'm not going to do anything you don’t want to do, I’m going to need verbal-”

“Oh so you’re the dom now, huh?” Yunho suddenly grabs your wrists, easily bringing them to your abdomen and pinning them there with one hand while he mirrors your earlier motion of pinching at your chin. 

“I want to take care of you.” You tell him honestly.

Yunho’s lips part, sternness leaving his expression as he stares at you. 

Then he looks down at Mingi, who sits up a little, tilting his head as he watches. 

“You’re not going to be jealous?” 

“How could I ever be jealous?!” Mingi seems almost offended, “it’s always been the three of us, like she said.”

Yunho presses his lips firmly together as if he’s thinking, then he says: “okay.” and smashes his lips to yours. You kiss him back with immediacy, heart hurting at his indirect admittance of feeling like an outsider in your trio. You’ll prove to him that he belongs. And now that you think of it, you honestly can’t imagine a life without him and Mingi in it. You simply can’t, and you’ll have to prove it to him.

When Yunho lifts you and all but tosses you onto your side, sandwiching you between his body at your front and Mingi’s behind you, you realize that you have very little choice in positions, so instead, you put all your brain power into making each kiss emotionally expressive. Each kiss is a confession of love, and now, you realize Mingi’s had been as well, even if you hadn’t known it at the time.

Yunho is, and always has been, the spark in your friendship. He’s the one that gets things in motion, whether it’s inviting you to come stay with them, or choosing the movie when you and Mingi are at a loss. Yunho’s the third puzzle piece that makes your trio work, and without him, you know you and Mingi would be lost. How could he possibly think you and Mingi would choose a life without him?

Mingi cuddles in behind you, his breath fanning over your bare back as Yunho hikes your leg higher on his waist, kissing you roughly. Then the soft boy behind you is reaching past your own body, tugging at Yunho’s shirt as if to say ‘take this shit off you doorknob’. 

Yunho adheres to Mingi’s silent request and you watch with delight as his beautiful body is revealed to you. The man behind you cuddles closer against your back when Yunho lays flat to lift his hips off the bed and wiggle out of his pants before turning to you and readjusting, putting your leg over his waist to line himself up for you.

“Are you sure?” Yunho asks.

You’re not sure if it’s you or Mingi who moves, but either way, you’re pushed forward onto Yunho’s cock, sheathing him in your core and earning groans from everyone, even the man behind you, who is simply ecstatic to be in this position. 

Mingi’s hand reaches and somehow finds your nipple, pinching and making you moan as Yunho kisses you, thrusting into you even at this odd, sideways angle. 

He’s moving slowly, but you don’t mind. The position isn’t fabulous for sex, but it allows for a closeness that you don’t know you’d be able to find in some other positions. Reaching behind you, you can tug at Mingi’s hair while he pinches at your nipple and begins sucking on your neck, and Yunho’s tight grip on your waist as he thrusts up into you feels wonderful, his cock stretching you deliciously.

Moans are leaving all of your lips uncensored now. You’re just three bodies moving in unison, hands everywhere, lips kissing whatever skin they can reach, and it feels wonderful. Yunho even reaches past you, grabbing at Mingi and pulling him closer to effectively squish you between their massive bodies, sending a shiver of delight running from your head to your toes.

“You look so pretty like this,” Yunho tells you, “your lips all puffy from kissing your best friends.”

“From kissing her boyfriends.” Mingi whispers behind you, making warmth surge through your chest. You can’t help the smile that appears on your face at his words, and Yunho sees it. He sees the genuine way you light up at the idea of having both of them. There’s not a moment's pause to reconsider having both, but instead, an immediate acceptance. 

Yunho feels like a fool for ever thinking he didn’t belong. You and Mingi may have a different kind of relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s more valid. In fact, thrusting up into you, watching your face contort with pleasure, Yunho realizes that he’d neglected to account for all the ways your relationship with him differs from yours with Mingi.

Sure, Mingi and you have your things in common and like to watch movies and be cute together. But Yunho is your caregiver and you’re his little princess, his partner. You’d been the only person he could call when he saw Mingi going down hill- Mingi, his other best friend, and in many ways, his other half. 

Yunho’s fingers dig into the flesh of your waist and he presses his forehead against yours, groaning, “fuck, I’m close.”

“Me too.”

“Me three.” comes Mingi’s soft admittance, and Yunho stifles a laugh. He’d been able to feel Mingi rutting against your ass from the way your body had moved from each thrust, but for Mingi to be this close to the edge from just rubbing against your bum? Yunho thinks it’s adorable, and he also thinks he could be in the exact same situation if the roles were reversed.

Something about this just feels so natural, the three of you a flurry of hands and kisses and groans as you all get closer and closer to the peak of pleasure.

It’s Mingi who cums first, and he whimpers out a “fuck, I love you guys.” as his grip tightens on your chest, squeezing you tight as he ruts roughly against your ass.

His words are enough to drag both you and Yunho over the edge as well, joining in on the sinful gasps and whimpers filling the room as Yunho and Mingi’s combined thrusting makes the entire bed rock in the weirdest way. You can only cling to Yunho’s shoulders as waves of pleasure slam into your body, held between your two big, strong, best friends. 

When they both stop moving, you stay pressed between them, your fingers brushing over the familiar scar on Yunho’s shoulder from a frat party in third year when a few of the guys had decided to brand themselves with hot coke can tabs, you’d told him not to do it at the time, but now you look back at that night fondly… even if it did lead to 8 frat guys having matching coke can tab brand scars on various places on their bodies (Mingi’s is on his ankle). 

You’ve been through so much with these two and you can’t possibly imagine continuing without one of them. 

“Someone has to say they love me back.” Mingi’s voice pulls you from your daydream as he presses his cheek into your bare back, getting cuddly despite the fact that you know his sweatpants are covered in cum, and now that you think about it, you’re getting sticky between your legs as time passes, Yunho having slipped out of you already.

“I love you Mingi-ah.” you say softly, reaching behind you to grab for his hair, then you pet him, smiling as you blink at Yunho, “and I love you Yunho.”

“You’re both going to be the death of me.” Yunho laughs, his cheeks reddening in the most endearing way. 

“Actually we’re being super covid safe.” Mingi mumbles behind you, and this time you’re the one who chuckles at him. He’s making jokes… they’re still covid related, but they’re jokes nonetheless, and that’s a good thing.

As the three of you cuddle, happy and content, for the first real time since the pandemic started, Mingi is able to take a deep breath. This feels right. Every fibre of his being is at peace, his mind blank, body simply enjoying the feeling of you and Yunho instead of screaming at him to be weary of germs and covid and people and-

Yunho’s fingers brush Mingi’s shoulder and he lets out a soft groan, cuddling closer to your back.

Some days, Mingi doesn’t want to get out of bed. And if this is what bed is going to be like from now on, maybe he never will again…

“We should go shower.” your voice cuts through his happy trance and Mingi wants to groan from laziness, only to realize, ‘wait, we can shower together’ and his mood perks up again. 

Okay, maybe he won’t spend all day in bed anymore. As long as he has you and Yunho, Mingi realizes he doesn’t need his duvet cocoon, because right now, he’s enveloped in the warmth of two bodies that love him. And that’s just about all he’s ever needed in his whole life. 

I hope you guys enjoyed Yungi! they’re so soft :( one of my favourite duo’s to write without a doubt :) if you liked this fic, i have a similar (but different) Yungi Covid fic called 8th Grade, read it here :)

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[mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess]

Funny things I've done as MDZS characters, part 2

Part 1 here

Jin Zixuan: i had a massive crush on a 12th grade/senior guy in high school (i was 10th grade/sophomore) and i didn't know how to approach him (he was always the one starting conversations... in which i was awkward as hell), and we stopped talking at some point because i guess he got tired of always be the one to initiate and show interest. Then he graduated. He had a little sister the same age as me in the same school (but we were in different classes) so he came to my graduation ceremony 2 years later for her and tried talking to me but i was too anxious not to forget the valedictorian speech that i brushed him off and ignored him again. He's still single.

Jiang Yanli: almost every night, i cut up fruit in cute shapes for my family to snack on while watching tv. I always add colorful toothpicks and cocktail umbrellas to make them smile.

Yu Ziyuan: when my old cat was still a kitten, she knocked off a decoration in my room i really liked, didn't break it, but i still yelled at her for 30 minutes straight. She fell asleep midway through.

Wen Ruohan: i made a blacklist of the names of people i have but would not ever be doing uni projects with again (after being screwed over like 5 times) and openly consulted it on my phone when these very same people asked to work with me once more.

Baoshan Sanren: whenever i am home alone, i draw all my blinds and lock all my doors so that nobody knows i am home and comes to bother me. It is very effective.

Xiao Xingchen: in middle school, despite being bullied myself, i stood up for a classmate who was being made fun of because of his learning disability, and he wordlessly gave me a piece of candy during lunch every single day for the rest of the school year (he transferred the next).

Xue Yang: got into a 2 hour debate on the most "interesting" methods to torture and kill people while i was supposed to study for an exam about ethics and human rights. I aced it.

Song Lan: i sanitized all my carpets after a guest "forgot" to take her shoes off before entering (pre-pandemic).

A-Qing: i cussed someone out for picking fruit off my trees without asking... on my way back from having picked fruit from a neighbor's tree without asking. But that neighbor was an animal-abusing asshole and he deserved it.

Jin Guangshan: my current cat got her heat 2 weeks before her spaying appointment and managed to sneak out of the house one day... came back the next morning with two boyfriends. Didn't get pregnant. They hiss at her whenever they see her now.

Lan Wangji pt. 2: for the 8th grade "prom", the headteacher paired everyone up because we were equal numbers of boys and girls and she thought it would be cute (there is no 'asking someone to go to prom' where i'm from). I ended up paired with a guy i'd been crushing on for a while, he picked me up from my house with flowers, we took a lot of pictures and had a lot of fun together. A slow dance song came on at some point and he invited me to dance, so i tried to be subtle and look at him and his lips to hint i wanted to kiss him, i put my head on his chest etc... he didn't get it. At the end of the song he told me he "had a lot of fun with a great friend". I was so pissed off, i called a cab to go home by myself... but he looked so dejected about it that i took him with and dropped him to his house on my way to mine.

Wei Wuxian pt. 2: i had this friend who moved in a different city and, after her boyfriend broke up with her like a dick while she had a million other problems on her plate, i decided to visit her to cheer her up (because she didn't have many friends there yet). I asked her for the best places to eat and paid for everything, we went visiting local attractions and took a long walk together in a beautiful park at sunset. When we arrived at her apartment, i was dead tired, so i took a quick shower and settled in to watch a movie to sleep. I paid no mind to the fact that she decided to sleep in lingerie and that she was very cuddly and touchy - because i too am cuddly and touchy with people. At some point, she started telling me about how she was unlucky in love and how she wished someone "like me" would treat her right, and she reached for her phone at some point and accidentally fell on top of me... but i was so sleepy i could only say something like "you'll find the right man someday" and fell asleep like the dead. She was so pissed the next morning and i never understood why... until 3 years later when a mutual friend told me that girl had been trying to get me in bed for months, at which point that girl and i were no longer on speaking terms (and i never saw her that way regardless) Anyway she just came out as bi.

[memryse]

i wanna expand on my tags a little actually <3 loveposting for the mcyt fandom at the end but under a cut bc this is pretty heavy Backstory (tw for suicidal ideation) and i’ve never spoken about it publicly before but i think i would like to get it off my chest after all this time. bc i never really opened up about it and i don’t think i could say it directly to anyone

ok so. pandemic bad. we all get that right

i handled the first part of the pandemic p well. it was summer, as an introvert (and, as i have recently realised, an undiagnosed autistic who was REALLY struggling in sixth form) i enjoyed the freedom from other people. i ended a shit relationship (don’t edate, kids), got super into twisted wonderland, made some lovely friends in my twst server who i still adore to this day. i thought the pandemic would be great for me!

but as it turns out, i actually do need a little bit of contact with people my own age in order to not go insane. and to put my social situation into perspective, i had a friend group at sixth form who i never talked to outside of school and intended to drop the minute i had an excuse to do so because they were transphobic, and two friends from pre-sixth form who went elsewhere for sixth form who i Also barely talked to anymore because. again. undiagnosed autistic. reaching out to people just to say “hi” and make small talk is not my thing no matter how well i know a person.

so september rolls around, we start university. i my friends move to their unis, i move to mine for a bit, make friends with one of my flatmates, but then we go back into lockdown at halloween and both of us go home. again, i struggle to keep contact with her, and i’ve made no real friends in my online classes either - i talk in the group chats a lot, met my classmates once while i was still at uni, but don’t click with anyone. and it’s also november. so all of these things considered, the seasonal depression hits really hard.

i realise i wasted my entire time in school being a terminally online kid who can’t maintain friendships with people in real life (narrator voice: this is, again, because of the undiagnosed autism and wanting to share your obscure hyperfixations but nobody irl caring). and i also realise how little i ever have private conversations with people even online, that barely anyone ever even bothers reaching out to me personally despite me having several close online friend groups. and i just… get it into my head that i’m fundamentally unlikeable and broken as a person, that i’m not worth getting to know outside of a group setting. i start noticing everything about other people’s friendships to the point that i either have to remove myself from conversations where my twst friends would mention other people or i would just outright take out my misery on them because i had no other outlet other than this twst server that i ran. by the end of december, i was idly contemplating suicide pretty much every day. it’s without a doubt the most mentally unhealthy i’ve ever been - i’m normally very self aware/analytical of myself but i was so absorbed in how utterly miserable i was that i couldn’t see how much of a dick i was actually being. the worst part is that my friends did reach out, but at the time it didn’t help, because it just made it feel like people only cared because i was acting so obviously concerning.

i think around mid january i realised it was not healthy for me to be around those people, but even then i hadn’t realised i was treating them like shit, it was very much from a self absorbed place of “i will feel worse if i keep hanging out in this server”. so i just… cut myself off from people. deactivate my twitter. try to stop talking in the server as much as possible. focus on uni work. still utterly alone in real life - my two school friends would message me every once in a while, but i never know how to properly respond, which continues the cycle of me feeling isolated and broken. yknow what’s funny is that in hindsight we had a minecraft server with the three of us in december and my brain erased all connection between “your friends want to play minecraft with you” and “your friends like you and want to hang out with you”. and i knew they were talking and hanging out with each other too and that they knew each other’s personal lives, but i was comparatively out of the loop. what i’m trying to say here is that i used to not think jealousy was a genuine thing until i became the human embodiment of it

except for one thing. one of those friends is a wilbur/dsmp fan. and they keep messaging me dsmp references, which i absolutely do not get, but am sort of aware of the existence of the dream smp. i watch a couple of the videos they send me, but generally understand none of it. all i know from twitter is “dream is bad”

it gets to the end of february/beginning of march, and i say fuck it. i start watching wilbur’s dsmp videos, and then tommy’s. by the time i get to the exile vods, it’s become such a hyperfixation that i physically can’t concentrate in class anymore because all i can think about is watching the next vod. which, yknow, not great for my academics especially when i’m already struggling because of the Mental Illness. but what it does give me is an excuse to talk to my friend! and our other friend sees me getting into it and decides to check it out too (hi mint if you’re reading this. i’d put a heart but it feels a bit awkward after the paragraphs about suicidal depression) in total it takes me like. two or three weeks to catch up with the general gist of lore, with my first live streams being the prison streams. for related reasons i don’t remember most of that period. it was a BLUR

i reactivate my twitter because i’m unable to keep myself from gushing about the hypfx. at first i only use a 0 follower side acc because i think everyone will hate me for liking mcyt. then i decide to post it on main, predictably lose followers so i do end up making a diff account. BUT hog hunt comes out, which convinces sin, my twitter mutual since 2017 or 2018 to go from “will maybe watch dsmp one day” to “has to find out about this thing immediately”. we’d been mutuals for so long and are basically the same person but had never properly become close bc we were always into different things

and well. all of that somehow ends up in me getting into 3l and hermitcraft despite having awful associations with hc because of the shitty relationship from the start of the post. me, irl friend mint, sin and some other New friends manage to all become a friend group because of a minecraft server. long story short in april i travelled to london to meet up with them because they’re my dearest friends and i have photos of us on my wall all together wearing minecraft youtuber merch.

i talk to both of those irl friends nearly every day now. which all started with mcyt yes but we’re just overall so much closer now, we all live in different places but make efforts to hang out a lot - often for mcc <3

starting in december i allowed myself to properly start talking in that twst server again. for most of 2021 i’d been too hyperfixated on mcyt to even really want to, but i was also so disgusted by how badly i’d treated them that i figured they were better off without me. but… they welcomed me back with open arms, i’ve never felt an ounce of anger from them even though they definitely deserve to be mad at me for all of that. i talk to them most days even if it’s just to check in or share an outfit. they’re like my family and i love them so dearly

and finally! i moved back to uni in march and worked up the courage to join a society - i became such fast friends with them, we hang out so much and i met multiple hc fans in the society! one of them is coming over to watch double life with me tomorrow <3 i thought i was incapable of making new friends but i’ve clicked so well with all of them. the mcyt thing is just one part of that, but well. domino effect. if all of the above hadn’t happened i would have been too depressed to consider even trying making new friends. and i’m so glad i did.

i’ve made so many cool friends from tumblr too, and never in my life did i see myself returning to tumblr until i found out that there were more inniters on tumblr <3 in general my life has just done a complete 180 from early 2021 and i truly owe all of it to the video of crimeboys trying to gaslight phil into thinking he doesn’t have a wife, and the video of tubbo trying to pronounce “diamantspitzhacke”. this fandom is hell sometimes but it’s definitely the reason i’m alive today, so that’s generally a good thing i think

yeah this got. really long but okay. the one part of my life that i have still not improved is that i have no clue how to open up to people, i don’t really do direct emotional closeness. nor would i necessarily want to dump all of this directly on anyone, because it’d almost feel like i’m blaming them for that dark point in my life, like i’m saying “you should have been there for me”. but i’m done being angry about it, i could have done more to reach out for help. so writing this out and sending it off to the void of tumblr is cathartic enough for me, and whoever happens to read it, i don’t really care. i’m just happy now. amazing what minecraft youtubers and a community of gay minecraft youtuber fans can do for a person

[atruththatyoudeny]

Happy 28th! Here are all the 14 fics I read and enjoyed this month. As always, all the love for all the amazing authors in this fandom! ♥

In The Still Of The Night | jacaranda_bloom | Dirty Dancing AU - a/b/o - prejudice - gender stereotyping - class divide - angst - pining - smut - 69k In a society where omegas are expected to follow a predetermined path, Louis strives for more; for his voice to be heard, for recognition, for true love. In a world where your past defines your future, Harry fights against the system; for equality, for a different life, for acceptance. When their two worlds collide, will they be beaten down by conformity or will they rise up and forge a new path together? OR the Dirty Dancing AU where Louis is a feisty omega who wants to change the world, Harry is an alpha from the wrong side of the tracks, and nobody puts Louis in a corner.

Plant New Seeds in the Melody | 28sunflowers | enemies to friends to lovers - miscommunication - misunderstandings - emotional hurt/comfort - Original Character Death - grief/mourning - slow build - smut - 58k After losing his husband in a tragic car accident, the last thing Louis needs is to keep running into popstar Harry Styles, who David was quite fond of. Obviously, that’s exactly what keeps happening. But as their unlikely friendship blossoms, Louis realizes that, maybe, having Harry in his life was the only good thing that came out of his adverse circumstances. Harry could be just the right person to help Louis find trust and intimacy in someone new.

take my hand, wreck my plans | amomentoflove | Cinderella AU - a/b/o - royalty - Minor Character Death - emotional abuse - magic - 38k Louis meets the man in the center of the room, feeling every eye on him. “Mr. H,” he whispers. The man smiles brightly and laughs as if he can’t believe his eyes. “It’s you,” he says breathlessly. “I didn’t think I would see you again.” “Nor I you, especially under these circumstances.” “Even so,” Mr H says, his eyes bouncing from Louis’ eyes to his lips. “Will you do me a great honor and join me in leading the first … um…” “Dance?” Mr. H laughs and nods. “Yes, that’s the one.” Louis bites his lips and doesn’t hesitate before whispering, “Yes.” Mr. H beams and reaches for Louis’ hand. Sparks fly at the touch and a zing of excitement shoots through Louis’ body. His face heats up as he’s afraid his scent would give away his feelings towards the other man.

One More Taste of Your Lips | Canadianlarrie & MsHydeStylinson | canon compliant - reunion tour - angst - internalized homophobia/biphobia - cheating - smut - Coming Out - 80k It had been eight years since the hiatus began, and Louis had spent that time writing and recording music, touring and making it safely through the pandemic. When the opportunity arose to go back on tour with One Direction, Louis knew he'd be a fool not to take it. Sure, life on the road would be different after all this time apart, but he was looking forward to experiencing that comradery again. What he hadn't realised was that living the better part of nine months in each other's pockets was bound to dredge up issues from his past. And when one of the pockets belonged to Harry, who he'd had a rather unconventional friendship with that drifted apart during their last tour, life on the road again would upend both their lives in irrevocable ways. * Harry wasn’t that sixteen year old boy anymore. Nor was he the young man in his late teens who was on the cusp of conquering the entire world. But some traits seemed to remain the same; his vibrant green eyes, the dimples set deeply in his cheeks whenever he laughed earnestly, or his curls that were the same shade of cocoa that Louis remembered fondly. And yet, Louis had absolutely no idea who this man that stood a mere twenty paces away was today.

Old Photographs & Times I'll Remember | jaerie | time travel - Eroda - period-typical homophobia - anxiety - depression - discussion about suicide - self-discovery - post-break up - 54k Carefully he set that negative down and lifted the paper to see there was another beneath. This one again was a young man, this time posed against an antique car. He lifted a few more negatives out one by one, each a portrait of the same man with various backdrops. The man in a meadow, in an office, leaning against a doorframe — even one in his underwear grinning at the camera. On the edge of each negative printed in slanted, handwritten characters were the initials and date. H.S. 1924. He quickly but carefully packed them back into the box and buzzed with excitement. He couldn’t wait to develop them to see exactly what had been captured in the images. It was a find that felt like a puzzle to piece together. H.S. was likely the man in the photographs as well as the owner of the suitcase. Who was he? Why had his suitcase found its way into Niall’s attic? Was he still alive and well somewhere in the world? A camera, a suitcase, and a relationship forged through time.

Know a Trick or Two | SadaVeniren | Harry Potter setting - mpreg - magic - kid fic - - genderfluid character - smut - intersex - 44k The night before Louis is scheduled for a Portkey to begin training with the Vratsa Vultures in Bulgaria he heads into Muggle London for one last night of fun. A few months later he finds out he’s having a child. Eleven years ago Harry had a one night stand and now there’s a strange man on his doorstep telling him his daughter is something called a wizard and she’s got a place at the British wizarding school Hogwarts. Aka the one where Muggle Harry and Wizard Louis have a one night stand and get more than they bargained out of it.

come away with me | suspendrs | Minor Character Death - friends to lovers - sexuality crisis - emotional hurt/comfort - anxiety - smut - 80k Louis had such big plans. He wanted so much out of life, and so did Amy. Now Bridget is going to grow up without a mother, and she’s always going to wonder what it would be like if this hadn’t happened. He wonders if she’ll blame him for her mother’s death as she gets older, or if she’ll understand that this is just as painful for Louis as it is for her. Louis doesn’t know how he’s going to raise her on his own, because he’s a fantastic father, yes, but he’s always been the fun parent, and Amy was in charge of the rules. He doesn’t know how to make sure Bridget has everything she needs all the time, doesn’t know how to make her favorite meal or how to do that one braid she loves to have in her hair or how to teach her to be the best person she can be. He doesn’t know how to live without Amy, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Or, Louis has to pick up the pieces of his and his daughter's life after his wife dies, and Harry is a beautiful stranger that just wants to help.

we made our promises (we said our vows) | millsx | Military AU - established relationship - kid fic - angst - hurt/comfort - mentions of PTSD - mentions of depressions - mentions of anxiety - injury - long-distance relationship - 21k Fairy tales always end with the Happily Ever After; the princess escapes her evil stepmother and gets married to the knight in shining armor. It turns out real life doesn’t care about Happily Ever Afters and sometimes problems appear when you don’t expect them to. Harry sure didn’t, not after years of being married.

Love, Ever After | jacaranda_bloom | a/b/o - farmers markets - soulmates - pining - miscommunication - fluff - banter - smut - 21k One would assume that the charismatic omega in charge of the local matchmaking service would have found a mate and settled down ages ago. His clients, in fact, are always a bit surprised when they come to learn that Louis is still single. But Louis doesn’t mind, not really. His standards are just high; he is happy holding out for his alpha, his soulmate, and chooses to not waste his time with anyone else, despite what his friends might think. That is, until his best mate from uni drags him out of bed far too early on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking to go to a farmers market, of all places. It’s there that he proceeds to make an utter fool of himself in front of the hottest alpha he has ever laid eyes on. There’s truly no coming back from that, is there? OR The one where omega Louis makes love matches, alpha Harry makes cheese, and meddling friends might finally make their dreams of finding their soulmate come true.

Hometown | allwaswell16 | High School - College/university - driving - heartbreak - memories - friendship - happy ending - angst - 2k On the day Harry gets his driver’s licence, he drives through the suburbs, heartbroken that he can’t drive home to Louis.

fever dream high | wildestdreams | friends to lovers - childhood friends - a/b/o - fluff - angst - smut - mutual pining - High School - 30k "Excuse me, what?" Harry licked his lips, carefully looking him in the eyes. "I will spend your heat with you so you're ready by Monday to play your game." "Harry," Louis began, suddenly at a loss for words. "I couldn't ask you to do that." "Why not? You just said you trust me." "You're my best friend. There's no one I trust more than you." "Then what's the problem?" "Well, friends don't usually help you through your heats or ruts, so excuse me for being a little skeptical." or A High School ABO AU where Harry and Louis are best friends and nothing more until things start getting a little complicated and they're faced with feelings they never wanted to confront.

We are the same, you run in my veins | 28sunflowers | a/b/o - non-traditional a/b/o- soulmates - wolves -pack dynamics - 4k When the time for Louis to become the Alpha leader of his pack comes, he can’t rise to the occasion for not being yet bonded. A series of trips to neighbouring packs in search of his soulmate is fruitless until he meets one of the other packs’ Alpha heir. Harry. The world seems to stop turning for a second and then it shifts, clicking into its axis. All the distress and wrongness he felt until that very moment suddenly disappears. Louis is finally whole. But two Alpha leaders from different tribes soulbonding is something unheard of before.

Divinely Blessed | thinlines | a/b/o - non-traditional a/b/o - established relationship - PWP - 17k “I heard you, Ni. But what do you mean?” “What do you mean what I mean?” Harry rolled his eyes as he shoved his alpha friend down onto a seat. “Did you mean you lick someone out or…?” “Nah, mate! It was me! I got licked out!” Harry could only stare at Niall in horror. Alpha Harry prides himself on having the bravest and most caring omega who might or might not just fulfill his sudden curiosity.

This chemistry like candy to me | CuckooTrooke | a/b/o - kink discovery - mpreg - male lactation - smut - 8k "It's just... Are you aware, that, uh... You're- You're kind of leaking." Harry feels his blood run cold. The heart that was thudding so loud and fast drops to his stomach, and his shoulders hunch in embarrassment. "Excuse me?" Harry asks once he manages to gather himself and recover from the shock. He automatically steps back but since he's already squeezed in the corner, it doesn't do much to put any distance between them, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" "Wha- No. Oh my god, I wouldn't- No," The man says as he realizes the misunderstanding, and wildly gestures to his chest, "I mean your- Your chest. Is leaking." OR Harry is 8 months pregnant with a poor balance and traitorous nipples. Unfortunately for him, that is precisely when he meets a beautiful alpha in a packed London Tube. Fortunately for him, the said alpha might just be the best thing he has ever come across.

[mingkily]

｡☆✼★━ my baby, my home | p.sh ━★✼☆｡

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starring: seonghwa x reader

fsk-0: fluff | mentions of covid, online uni and social distancing

volume: 1.5k words

vip access: @treasure-hwa & @barsformars & @midnightseonghwa & @multidreams-and-desires & @yunhoiseyecandy

“drink some more, you sound like a toad”, a loving little jab that made you roll your eyes but do as he said, because you were croaking a little; but he loved you anyway, even when you sounded like a toad. would love you if you had no voice at all, too.

sometimes you felt like seonghwa was a chronic mum friend, unable to stop pampering people even when they didn’t need it; possibly a side effect of living with seven other men of which at least five were more like boys, despite each being a legal adult. and sometimes, that was annoying you a little, because you didn’t need to be treated like a child and it did feel a little condescending at times.

today, however, was not such a sometimes.

you were crying into his chest, frustrated because this stupid pandemic had made it impossible to have a normal life, and while you’d grown somewhat used to it your studies had started, something you’d been excited for until the very first course was online already, making it impossible to get to know new people, and that was one of the things you’d been most excited for. and it felt so stupid, being upset over this when there were bigger problems - like people dying, for example -, but it just felt like the biggest problem in the world right now. it was the biggest problem in your world.

“it’s just so bad, hwa”, you sniffled, “all i see is blank screens and names that don’t tell me anything, and the teachers talk about random campus things as if any of us had had a chance to go there for more than five minutes, and it just makes me sad”, complaints that felt so childish, but he didn’t think any worse of you for it. he had a job, had chosen not to study, and even for him it was hard not seeing the usual people. and people still came in, just less frequently. he still had company. he couldn’t imagine how it was for you, sitting home all day staring at a screen in the empty apartment while he was at work. he could understand why you felt lonely, really.

“i get that, baby. i can’t say anything to make it better, either. but i’m here, and you can cry as long as you need to. or, tomorrow i’ll have to go to work, but if you need me i can call in sick. can’t possibly leave my baby alone when she’s sad.”

he was too great to comprehend, rubbing your back soothingly while you covered his favourite shirt in tears and snot, patient and warm and you almost told him to take the day off and just cuddle you, but you stopped yourself before you could do that. you felt pathetic, yes, but not that pathetic.

“i love you, hwa”, you hiccoughed, “and you smell really warm.”

“i smell warm?”, a little confused, but happy about the compliment nonetheless - if it was a compliment and not you trying to tell him that he was sweaty, which might very much be.

“yeah. like home.”

that was without a doubt a compliment, and seonghwa smiled against your hair.

“maybe that’s because we’re home, baby”, the reminder of sharing a home with him making both your hearts beat the tiniest bit faster. neither of you had expected this would be where you’d be when little freshman you had fallen in love with him, a senior because he’d skipped a class, and transferring from an all boys school to your mixed gender high school because his family had moved. but here you were, in his arm and in your common flat, living together and him comforting you through the crisis you had about having to start university during covid.

“maybe”, his comment having succeeded in making you smile, even though he couldn’t see it yet, “or maybe it’s because i love you.”

“i love you too. my baby. my home.”

together with his gentle movements on your back and the barely there rocking back and forth you did feel a little like a baby, but not in a bad way. you appreciated it, in this moment, appreciated feeling like someone was taking care of you. you liked not having to take care of yourself in this moment, having him there to take care of you when you were sad and honestly didn’t feel like you could do much other than cry. it was incredibly comforting to be pampered, wrapped in his arms and a soft blanket and him now asking if you wanted hot lemon water. you weren’t sick, but your throat probably hurt from sobbing so much, and he was always so mindful and so sweet.

“please”, you croaked out, though you didn’t really want to let go of him, in a little bit of a conflict because you knew you’d have to let him go if you wanted the water, but you also didn’t want to let go ever, especially if you didn’t actually have to.

but the desire for hot lemon water won, especially knowing he’d hold you again while you drank it anyway, so you moved off his lap, sat on the bed and kissed his cheek softly and shortly before he went to the kitchen, ready to pamper his baby some more.

“here. hot water with lemon. but be careful, it’s really hot”, your boyfriend told you a few minutes later, in the living room now because you’d missed him and had moved to the couch to at least be able to watch him while he prepared the drink for you.

“thank you, hwa”, leaving the cup on the table as you wrapped your hands around his neck instead to kiss him, your face snot-free now because you’d cleaned yourself up on the way since you passed the bathroom anyway and felt gross.

“you’re welcome”, seonghwa mumbled against you once you broke the kiss, smiling because it did seem like you were feeling better now, “how are you?”

he still wanted to make sure, of course he did.

“i’m better. but it’s still just… hard. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to meet people. and i feel a little lonely because it feels like i only have you and the boys, which is great, don’t get me wrong, but they’re your friends most of all, and i know it’s not how it is but i always feel like i’m intruding a little.”

“i understand”, he murmured against your hair, having pulled you against him again, into his chest with your face near his neck, “as you said, you’re never intruding, they all adore you almost as much as me, but i get it. you want your own friends. don’t want to always be stuck hanging out with me and my friends or being all by yourself. yes, i know you’re not stuck with me and you like it and you love me”, chuckling defensively when you raised your head and were about to protest, “it’s just that having a group of people for yourself would also be nice. i get it, don’t worry.”

he was way too perfect to be real, but you enjoyed this dream while it lasted. enjoyed being with seonghwa as long as you could. and were now going to enjoy the hot lemon water, prepared with lots of love and the water kettle that your boyfriend refused to get rid of and just the right amount of lemon.

“thank you, hwa”, not sure whether it was for the water or his words or both - probably both, “i love you.”

“i love you too. but baby?”, suddenly having an idea that might help and might get you some friends of your own, telling you once you hummed in acknowledgment, “how about you ask the teacher if you could suggest something like a book club or a study group or something? you could do it online, and then in really small groups offline once you know each other. social distancing and all, of course, but i think that might be better than having no one to talk to at all. and a study group would be useful, too, especially now in the beginning.”

that was a great idea, actually, one you hadn’t thought of because everything had felt so hopeless now that university had started and you hadn’t even seen anyone’s faces yet, and you rewarded him for it by setting down the mug and kissing him again, covering his face in hot, slightly wet kisses, the hot water he’d made you having heated up your lips enough for him to feel, and it was a nice feeling. warm and cosy, in a way.

“that’s such a good idea, you’re so smart! you should be in uni, not me!”, you praised him, eyes bright and face lit up by the smile he loved so much.

“you know you’re just as smart. now drink some more, you sound like a toad”, a loving little jab that made you roll your eyes but do as he said, because you were croaking a little; but he loved you anyway, even when you sounded like a toad. would love you if you had no voice at all, too.

and how could he not? you were his baby. you were his home.

[myautisticpov]

Okay, I’m kind of wondering if anyone else has this, or if it’s such a specific problem that it’s just me...

I became very, very used to framing my life around “lost time”. Like, school was intensely traumatising and I spent between 12 and 16 on mediation that made me depressed. So, I lost my childhood/early teenage years to depression and bullying.

Then I moved schools at 16 - to one where I was no longer bullied and actually made friends - and came off the medication that was making me depressed, only to immediately develop a long-term illness that stopped me from being able to do a lot of stuff, and I didn’t start to really shake that illness until I was 18/19. So I lost three years to that.

Then I finally moved out, I was in university and had a job, and then my anxiety sky-rocketed and I became so sick that I had to move back home, I could no longer work and I was lucky to get through my degree. So, I lost a couple of years to that until I got on the right combo of medication and therapy.

Then I lost about three years to a highly traumatic situation that I’m not gonna talk about because I’m not the only person involved and I want to respect the privacy of everyone else who went through this.

And, look, this brings me to about my twenty-fifth birthday, and it was so easy for me to feel like shit. I was living with my mum, I didn’t have a partner, most of my friends had moved away, and I was working a zero-hours minimum wage temp job with no idea what I was doing with my life.

And I just kept thinking, “I lost all of this time that I’m never gonna get back and I’m just gonna keep losing time forever with nothing to show for it.”

Which is probably the point at which anyone who knows me is like “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Because what that narrative leaves out is that in all that “lost time”, I got two degrees. I made and still have friends. I travelled on my own (maybe not outside of Britain, but still). I wrote dozens of books.

The point is, framing it as “lost time” was deeply, deeply unhealthy.

Which brings us to this past year.

I started 2020 with a mission to start looking for a full-time job and to maybe try to actually connect with the local queer community and to travel to meet up with friends more.

And, obviously, none of that happened.

So it’s been so, so difficult to not frame this as another lost year.

And the problem is, like... Other people keep framing it like that for me.

And it’s really tough because we do need to hold the governments who dealt with this pandemic poorly to account. We do need to make sure that the list of what they’ve taken from us includes every little thing.

And they did take those things from me, as much as depression in my teens took my ability to do anything except go to school and then crash as soon as I got home, as much as my later illness did the same, as much as my anxiety took my ability to work a job or to do uni full-time, as much as the trauma before 2020 took my ability to transition into either a PhD or full-time job once I was done with my MA.

But I can’t slip back into that mindset, or I’ll fucking lose what little handle on my mental health I have left.

So I guess I’m just wondering if I’m the only one struggling between the need to describe the damage done this last year, and the need to not frame my life as endless lost time.

[study-van]

I think it’s a quite known fact that I somehow managed to get accepted to some universities abroad. I’ve been getting asks about tips on how to do it so here are some extremely basic ones. I might make a second post delving more into the fine details but this is a pretty neat overview. If you’ve further questions my asks/dms are always open!!

Keep your options open, even if you have set goal that you want like to be a student at a certain university, it is always best and wise to apply to not just apply to one university even if they are in different locations abroad. For example, if I didn’t apply to France this year even though I was sure I was going to the US, I wouldn’t have a school to attend...

Checking other students who study abroad posts or actually talking to them will give you a really good idea on what to expect too.

Be realistic and actually check schools websites!! Read carefully the academic requirements to figure out the probability of being accepted. If you don’t have a clear idea about the requirements, you can contact the department of international students or an adviser from the university.

Don’t get caught up with names, I know most students dream of attending “prestigious” schools that even their name make people go wow but they’re not your only option especially for med school. Finding a school that suits you the most is the most important. In France, I got accepted from Sorbonne but I won’t attend there because I don’t think I’ll be able to pass their year of Paces/Pass and Paris is way too expensive to live in on a budget... Check carefully the lessons, the schools academic environment, their facilities, read up on their academic staff, the work related opportunities they give you (internships etc), read what actual students have to say about schools, how do they treat their students in crisis situations etc, and try to find the most suitable school.

On the point of crisis management, seriously do check how they responded to the pandemic, it’s a great indicator of how much they care about their students. How did they manage the evacuation process? How are they planning on re opening? How was their response time? etc.

Okay, this will sound silly but do actually check the surrounding area of your school (the climate, the city, what you can do there on your free times, etc) If you’re moving abroad, you won’t just try to adapt to the school but also to a whole new country and city. Plus, you’ll be spending a looong time there, especially if you’re planning on studying medicine, it’s crucial that you like where the university is situated.

Make sure you know on which portal you’ll be applying for France and America, it was quite easy bc you apply to all the unis from the same website but I’ve seen from my friends who applied to the Netherlands, for each school you apply through their website and before the time comes up for applications it’s a good idea to check that website’s features.

Not going to lie, paperwork is hell and I wish I knew way before getting accepted that I’ll go the France so that I could’ve prepared everything calmly... All the documents have to be translated into the official language of the respective country and legally authenticated by a competent authority. Make sure you read carefully the documents that are required and prepare them as soon as possible. Doing this early offers you a great advantage. If you send the documents and something is wrong, you still have enough time to make the necessary changes.

Also visa application is quite literally hell, especially if you’re a non-EU resident... Submitting your visa application is just as important as submitting your applications. I think all the countries require you to start the school year off with a visa, which allows you to study in your chosen country. Visas and visa requirements vary by country, so be sure to do your research and contact the closest consulate/visa offices (like vfs in Turkey) if you have any questions.

Nearly all the schools expect a personal statement/motivation letter/etc. from you. I know you’ll be compelled to make yourself out to be this 100% perfect student but don’t do that, seriously. As an international student, when writing your personal statement, be sure to express your commitment to living and studying abroad. You have to take a moment and think about what drives you, what inspires you to spend your entire higher education career abroad, why this specific major is your calling, etc. Your future university wants to know how studying at their school matches your academic goals, and why you want to study there. (For America, they enjoy an essay that’s more like a story, your story but for France it was extremely professional and right to the point, no need for a flair)

Finally consider the financial aspect of it. I was prepared to go the US bc I really believed I’ll get scholarships and I did too, plus a scholarship from a Turkish NGO too. However, if you’re thinking of Europe, it’s seriously much, much more affordable. Firstly, your living expenses won’t be as high and there are many small job opportunities and national/local scholarships that you can get (for example Lauréat scholarship in France). Be sure to start researching/applying to scholarships beforehand.

[thedanceronthestreets]

PEDRO PASCAL GQ GERMANY - OCTOBER 2020

Original text by Esma Annemon Dil

Fotos by Doug Inglish

Styling by Simon Robins

Translated by @thedanceronthestreets

Intro: A broken tooth could almost have been the reason for our meeting with Pedro Pascal to be cancelled - and with that our conversation about roots, his new movie and times of change. 

Interview: It is almost eery how empty the streets of Los Angeles are under the gleaming sun. While Europe is finding its "new normal", people in L. A. are cutting their own hair even without being neurotics. Many of them have not seen their friends in half a year. The pandemic is out of control. So are the reactions to the situation. Inviting someone to a "distance drink" in the backyard can lead to the same consternation as proposing a relationship partner exchange. 

All the more of a surprise was Pedro Pascal's immediate confirmation. To the drink, not the partner exchange. He is one of the winners this year - and if Corona had not forced the movie industry to go on a holiday, he probably would not have had the time for this drink. After "Game of Thrones", the series in which his head was squished, followed 2015 the leading role in "Narcos" as a DEA agent on the hunt for Pablo Escobar, and now the leap onto the big Hollywood screen. As of 1. October the Chilean will appear in the blockbuster "Wonder Woman 1984". Furthermore, the second season of the "Star Wars" series "The Mandalorian" will start in October with him as the main character - unfortunately underneath the helmet. But we all seem to be under the same helmet in 2020. It is this man we want to meet, who worked as a waiter in New York a couple of years ago. Whose parents are political refugees that settled in Texas, and one day their son decided to walk into a drama club in high school. 

And then the cancellation. While we were preparing the house and garden for Pedro's drink and fashion shoot, which isn't an easy task under L. A.'s restrictions, his management called in with terrible news: Pedro has - no, not Corona - had to receive emergency surgery due to a sore tooth and is now lying in bed with a swollen cheek, making talking or shooting impossible. The sun shines onto empty streets. And our empty garden. 

A few days later, he stands in front of the door anyway, no huge bulge in his face, but stitches in his gum. No limousine service that dropped him off, he arrived in his own car and picked up his makeup artist on the way. He helps her to carry in all the equipment and states first and foremost: "I've got time today!" What a star! It does not seem like we are about to ask him how he managed to become a Hollywood sensation, but rather him asking us that question. Pedro Pascal! So, what kind of star is he then? 

Pedro Pascal: Sorry for ruining your plans. The operation was a total emergency. 

GQ: Really? We were wondering whether the swelling was the result of a secret trip to the plastic surgeon. Apparently, because of the quarantine in Hollywood, their schedules are packed. 

Sorry to disappoint you. A few days before our appointment I raced to the hospital with a tooth fracture and the worst pain I've ever felt - a hospital where the severe Corona cases are treated. I was unable to contact any dentists! Right before I parked, a specialist called back. I'll spare you the details of the surgery, gruesome. The pain was excruciating despite the 10 anaesthetic shots. The doctor said I wasn't the only one going through this, a lot of people grind their teeth at night thanks to stress. 

What are you most afraid of at the moment? 

The way the government is handling the pandemic scares me more than the virus itself. The lack of intelligent crisis management is a moral disgrace. The leadership crisis makes orphans out of all of us - we're left to fend for ourselves. 

How have you spent the last few months? 

With frozen pizza in jogging trousers in Venice Beach. I live in a rear building that's in the garden belonging to a family. In reality there are enough good takeout restaurants around that area, but for some reason I like salami pizza from the supermarket. 

That doesn't exactly sound like the movie star lifestyle. What does it feel like to be forced from top speed to zero? 

Considering the things happening in this world, my own state really isn't the top priority. But I would have to lie, if I said I wasn't disappointed. The entire cast and crew of "Wonder Woman 1984" put so much heart and soul into the production. We had so much fun on set. I had hoped to carry this feeling of exuberance around the globe to the openings of this movie. 

You are part of a political, socialist family that fled the Pinochet regime in Chile. What do you remember from back then? 

My sister and I were born in Chile, but I was only nine months old when we claimed asylum in Denmark. From there, we moved to San Antonio in Texas, where my dad worked as a doctor in a hospital. 

Texas isn't exactly considered to be socialist utopia. How well did you settle in? 

San Antonio isn't a cowboy city but rather very diverse with large Asian, Afro-American and Latino communities. In my memory it's a romantic place, culturally inclusive. The cultural shock only hit when we moved to Orange County in California later. Suddenly, the environment was white, preppy and conservative. 

How were you welcomed in California? 

To this day I'm ashamed when I think about how I let my classmates call me Peter without correcting them. I'm Pedro. Even without growing up in Chile, the country and language are part of me. I was quite unhappy in that place. At least I was able to switch schools and visit one in Long Beach, where I felt more comfortable. With its theatre programme, I found my path. 

Could you visit your family's homeland as a child? 

Yes, after my parents ended up on a list of expats that were permitted to re-enter the country. First, there was a big family gathering, then me and my sister were parked at some relatives' place for a few months while my parents returned to Texas. They probably needed a break from us. They'd had us at a very young age, had a vibrant social life, and my mother was doing her doctorate in psychology. 

Was your mother a typical young psychologist that tested her knowledge at home? 

You mean whether I was her lab rat? Absolutely. I can remember weird sessions camouflaged as games, where someone would watch my reactions to different toys. Even though I couldn't have been older than 6, I knew what was happening. My favourite thing was to be asked about my dreams. That was always a great opportunity to make up fantastic stories. 

Was that your first performance? 

Definitely! My strong imagination alarmed my mother, because I'd rather live in my fantasy world than in real life. I didn't like school. I ended up in the "problematic kid" category. At some point the subjects got more interesting and my grades improved. So many children are unnecessarily diagnosed with learning disabilities without considering that school can be daunting. Why is it acceptable to be bored out of your mind in class, when there are more stimulating ways to convey knowledge?

With everything happening in the world this summer: Do you believe that social hierarchy structures are genuinely being reconsidered? 

Hopefully. After the lockdown my first contact with people was at the Black Lives Matter protest. The atmosphere was peaceful and hopeful until the police got involved and provoked violence. At least during these times we can't avoid problems or distract ourselves from them as easily as we usually do. It seems that the pandemic provided us with a new sense of clarity: we don't want to go on like this. 

The trailer of "Wonder Woman 1984" represents the optimism of the 80s. That almost makes one feel nostalgic nowadays. 

That holds true. It's two hours of happiness. Patty Jenkins, the director, managed to make a movie full of positive messages. We shot in Washington, D. C., then in London and Spain - which now sounds like a different time. 

Do you miss travelling? 

I've only now realised what a privilege it is to just pack up your things and fly anywhere. With an American passport you can travel freely. And that's why the small radius we live in now is kind of absurd. Over the last few years I often retreated in between takes, because I was always on the road and overstimulated. Friends complained about how comfortable I had become. We all took social interactions for granted and realise now how reliant we are on human connection. Now, I wistfully think about all the party and dinner invitations I declined in the past. 

In L. A., people spend more time indoors or in nature than in other metropolises. Could this city become your safe haven after New York City? 

My true home is my friends. Ever since I was young I've lived the life of a nomad and haven't set roots anywhere. Until recently, my physical home was a place for arriving and leaving and hence I didn't want to overcomplicate living by owning lots of things. The opposite actually: Without having read Marie Kondo's book, I got rid of all the stuff that was unnecessary and lived a very minimalistic lifestyle. 

Is there something you collect or could never say goodbye to? 

Books! I still own the literature I read during my teen and university years. Recently I found a box of old theatre scripts and materials back from my uni days at NYU. I can't separate from art either, same as lamps or old pictures. Furniture and clothes are no problem though, they can be chucked. 

Do you remember any roles that were defined by their costumes? 

Yes, "Game of Thrones" comes to mind immediately. During that time I first understood what it means, as an actor, to be supported by a look. I owe that to costume designer Michele Clapton. She developed these very feminine robes and brocade cloaks for my role that looked very masculine when I wore them. I felt sexy in them. And very important were of course Lindy Hemming's power suits and Jan Sewell's blond hair for the tycoon villain Maxwell Lord in "Wonder Woman 1984". Relating to the style, I couldn't really see myself in the role since the shapes and colours of the 80s don't really fit my body. My type is the 70s.

Do you adopt such inspirations into your private closet? 

At this point in time, I'll choose any comfortable outfit over a cool look. Sometimes I mourn the days when I defined myself with fashion. It's a bit mad when I think about how, in the 90s as a teenager, I would go to raves; a proper club kid with crazy outfits: overalls, chute trousers, soccer shirts and a top hat like in "The cat in the hat knows a lot about that!" by Dr Seuss. Later in NYC I was part of a group that placed immense value on wearing a certain style. The fact that I only walk around in joggers nowadays is actually unacceptable! 

Normally, actors who work on comic screen adaptations become bodybuilders and eat ten boiled chicken breasts per day. You don't? 

My body wouldn't be able to handle that. I find it difficult enough to maintain a minimum level of fitness. As of your mid 40s, you suddenly need a lot more discipline. Until the tooth incident happened, I worked out a couple of times a week with a trainer to keep the quarantine body in shape. 

What would annoy you the most, if you were your own roommate? 

I can be very bossy. I have to gather all my goodwill not to force my movie choice on to everyone else. When I want something, I'm not passive aggressive about it, I attack head on. Also, I can get caught up in tunnel vision: When i feel down, I can't imagine that I'm ever going to feel better again. I have difficulty with seeing the bigger picture when experiencing problems or emotions. Method acting really wouldn't be my thing. That's why I try to only work on projects that feel good and where people encourage and lift each other up. 

While you were trying on the outfits you pointed out a lack of self-esteem. How does that coincide with your career? 

Isn't it interesting how traits and circumstances go hand in hand? Self-esteem comes from the inside, but it's also influenced by what society believes. We use critical stares from the outside against ourselves. I lived in New York for 20 years, I studied there and worked as a waiter up until my mid 30s, because I couldn't live off acting. It was always so close. The disappointment of always just barely missing a perfect part or opportunity is exhausting. When is the right time to stop trying and what's plan b? That's not just a question actors ask themselves, but anybody who struggles to earn a livelihood - unrelated to how much potential they have or how close their dream may seem. We are beginning to see now how our narrow definition of success is destroying our communities. At the same time, it's becoming obvious that, until this day, your family background and skin colour determine your chances of living a dignified existence. 

What are the positives of becoming a leading man later in life? 

I have the feeling that I've got control over my life - without the pressure of having to accept projects or be a social media personality. That surely also has to do with the fact that I'm a man. Women are surely pressured to appear quirky at any age. 

Life is always a management of risks - especially at this time. For what would you risk losing something? 

Usually, if you don't play the game you're not going to win anything. That applies to friendship, love, work, creativity. Anything that really means something to me, is worth the risk. 

Wonder woman 1984 will appear in cinemas 01.10. The 800 million dollar earning DC comic franchise is moving into the New York 80s with its sequel. It looks spectacular - only Pedro Pascal with blond hair in a three piece Wall Street suit looks better.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

i was tagged by the bestie babe @harrymegirlfriend to answer 20 questions (i also totally stole the emoji idea from mariel but ofc yk i had to go for mine <3 )

🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️

🧜‍♀️ what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

ella but i accept all nicknames except for the ones that patronise me :-D

🧜‍♀️ when is your birthday?

march 27th

🧜‍♀️ where do you live?

belgium

🧜‍♀️ three things you’re doing right now?

listening to better than words, listening to the cars driving over freshly rained-on streets, typing like a maniac

🧜‍♀️ four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

uhmmmmmmm...... hmmmm let’s have a think.......... 

well apart from 1d/larry i recently fell into somewhat of a little mix hole, as well as 5sos after not following their shit for 5 years or so and of course the song of achilles what the fuck

🧜‍♀️ how is the pandemic treating you?

ngl it was hard. graduated, moved to a new city, started working. couldn’t meet new ppl bc of lockdown. got covid, which didn’t treat me well at all. had a few major identity crises that i’m still working through

but i’m glad i had them and i’m out on the other side rn. i’m still not amazing, mentally, but i also never really was, so it’s not pandemic-related (i think?)

anyway i’ll be happy when concerts start up again and i uh...... meet some people, finally

🧜‍♀️ song you can’t stop listening to right now?

lights up

🧜‍♀️ recommend a movie

luca

🧜‍♀️ how old are you?

25

🧜‍♀️ school, university, occupation, other?

i have a master’s in english and dutch literature and linguistics, now i work in daycare with kids from 2-12 and it’s the best decision i made during this fucking pandemic bc i was burnt tf out after my thesis. now i can finally enjoy what i studied at uni in peace

🧜‍♀️ do you prefer hot or cold?

cold ?? idk i hate sweating but i also learned to live with it bc when it’s 30 degrees and i’m in italy??? sign me tf up baby

🧜‍♀️ name one fact others may not know about you.

i am belgian but i lived in nyc when i was a kid, going to pre-k, kindergarten and 1st grade there, making english one of my mother languages

🧜‍♀️ are you shy?

no i don’t think i am, i shut down sometimes when people’s vibes are off and that’s just on me distrusting ppl easily

🧜‍♀️ do you have any preferred pronouns?

i prefer they/them or she/her. anything is fine unless it’s like that is a she and nothing else yk? bc then it’s wrong

🧜‍♀️ any pet peeves?

ppl might hate me for this but greasy hair

🧜‍♀️ what’s your favourite “dere” type?

(echoing mariel) ??

🧜‍♀️ rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

uhm. i’m very lucky and i’m generally happy with my life, but my brain sucks, so. 7 or 8 

🧜‍♀️ what’s your main blog?

i don’t have another blog besides this one <3

🧜‍♀️ list your side blogs and what they’re used for.

don’t have any, but i have entertained the thought of making an art side blog

🧜‍♀️ is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

that i need way more validation than i let on

OKAAAAAAY! who wants in on the fun @bluewinnerangel @dyingstars-x @killerqueenlux @whenyouvequitefinished @laurelier

[smute]

i was tagged by the wonderful gem gem gemmaaaaaaaaaa @whenwinterfell

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

name-calling? bitch (affectionate) or bro (sarcastic) but jan is also fine

2. when is your birthday?

10 april

3. where do you live?

atm im still enrolled in bremen but i moved back to [redacted] to live with my parents when i started going insane(r) in my dorm room after months of isolation. will probably move to berlin in the fall bc my plans a, b, and c fell through and i dont know what else to do but lets not talk about that 🥲

4. three things you are doing right now?

having a really bad day, drawing on my arm like a child, listening to marina

5. four fandoms that have peaked your interest?

i honestly dont even know what a fandom really is lmao my obsessions with stuff never last long enough to grow into anything substantial

6. how has the pandemic been treating you?

idek how to answer this.... i know im one of the lucky ones and im very grateful, but at the same time im doing worse than ever before... the past 15 months have been hard, a lot has been destroyed and im struggling to look ahead or feel hopeful ✌️😗

7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now?

VENUS FLY TRAP

8. recommend a movie:

Legally Blonde (2001)

9. how old are you?

29 and fuck you for asking (jk lol)

10. school, university, occupation, other?

im about to start an MA in english lit 🤡 and i justify my existence in this capitalist system with 3 separate jobs in 3 diff teams of my uni's pr department (yes its about as adhd friendly as it sounds)

11. do you prefer heat or cold?

COLD!!!! im a sweaty bitch and my skin is a beautiful, delicate shade of raw pork so i really hate the summer. i can admit that the concept has a certain appeal tho

12. name one fact others may not know about you

not really a fact but a fun anecdote: i transferred schools in first grade, just a few months into the school year and, on the first day at my new school, went home with a random girl. apparently sabrina had invited me to hang out, so we went to her house and spent the afternoon watching cartoons and eating candy. we were both latchkey kids (quite common where im from). my mom finished work around noon and obviously shat a brick when she came home to an empty apartment. my parents freaked the fuck out, called everyone they knew and eventually a major police operation was launched within hours of my disappearance... like friends and family were searching all over town for me, police were sweeping fields and the forest next to our neighborhood and 6 year old me was just chilling at this girls house lmaooooo... her mom came home later that night and asked me if my parents knew where i was BECAUSE SHE HAD HEARD A RADIO ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT A MISSING BOY. the weird thing is that sabrina had TWO older sisters who were obviously supposed to watch her (us?) but neither of them had the wherewithal to ask "hmm do the parents of this new kid you dragged in from the street know where he is?"

13. are you shy?

idk man... yeah? but then people keep telling me i come across as an extrovert and outgoing or whatever and i just think to myself omfg? i have to stop overcompensating

14. preferred pronouns?

he/they

15. biggest pet peeves?

"people who chew with their mouth open" <- yes absolutely! and when people interrupt others... which is slightly hypocritical of me but it just drives me up the wall!!!! even when it happens to others and im just a witness it makes me flip my lid

16. what is your favourite “dere” type?

my what now

17. rate your life from 1-10: idk man my brain doesnt really do long term analytics? i find a gummy bear on the floor - its an eleven. i experience a minor inconvenience - i want to kms.

18. what’s your main blog?

this is my only one

19. list your sideblogs and what they’re used for:

i feel like you're not even listening to me

20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

i guess it takes me a while to warm up to people but once we reach the friendship stage its basically impossible to get rid of me and im very loyal and committed? sounds like a dog lmao. BUT at the same time that can be hard to see for other people bc im also impulsive and not the best when it comes to consistent communication so... dont take it personally when i disappear for a few days and then message u like nothing happened🥺

tagging: @shyredpanda @mmolia ❤️‍🔥