#i was on pain meds when i wrote this and still find it hilarious | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

catwithangerissues · 4 years ago

Text

Haikyuu Polyship hc’s!

♚ Hey hey hey! Welcome to a little collab that @tetsurocking and I have been working on for a few weeks now! Like two but still. We each chose three different couples and wrote headcanons about a poly relationship with them!

♚ My three!: Suna x Osamu x Reader! Tendo x Ushijima x Reader! And Futakuchi x Shirabu x Reader!

♚ Make sure to check out the three couples J wrote about over on her page! I promise you’ll find some stuff ya like😉 ‘I think about polyships too much for a monogamous bitch’ -J 😂 Anyways, enjoy!

♚ Warnings: Should be none! Although I reference high school in the past, everyone involved is aged up!

Suna x Osamu x Reader Poly!

✧ When you guys were in high school, Rinta would always send you videos of Osamu and him at practice; sometimes they were videos of the twins fighting, some were of them doing little tricks with the ball to get your praise, and some were just of them waving/saying they missed you

✧ They tend to spam your little group chat with memes while you’re at work or school, and sometimes they just spam you for attention <3

✧ They both really like it when you wear their clothing. Sometimes they get pouty if you wear one shirt or the other, but they never genuinely mind. In addition to this, they basically share a wardrobe. Is that Suna’s shirt or Samu’s? They don’t even know 🤷🏻‍♀️

✧ Suna probably sends you two pictures of the ugliest things he sees in a day and and puts a caption like « haha that’s you two. » that’s it. He probably doesn’t even bother to put a period at the end (Thanks for this one, Alma!)

✧ Suna takes tons of pictures with/of the two of you, and he changes his lockscreen background pretty often because of it. His favorite pictures are the ones he takes without you two noticing, hehehe

✧ These two are both really great drivers and they’re very smug about it. Food for thought 😌

✧ When you’re grocery shopping, they probably start eating what’s in the cart before you’re even out of the store.

✧ In addition to grocery shopping, don’t even TRY to tell Osamu one brand of a certain ingredient or food is better than another, he will throw a Miya Twin hissy fit™️ lmao

✧ They both keep extras of anything any of you may need in their cars. Period stuff if you’re someone who has one, hygiene products like deodorant and an extra shirt for Suna after practice, snacks for Osamu cause the poor boy always wants to eat in the car, etc.

✧ They both like to tease, but in reality they’re big softies for you. Want cuddles? Rinta is always flopping down on top of you once you sit on the couch. Need a back or shoulder massage? You don’t even have to ask Osamu at this point, he does it subconsciously.

✧ Suna prefers dates at home, lounging around and cuddled up, movie nights, dinner dates, etc. Osamu prefers lazy errand days. Going grocery shopping, cleaning the house together, dropping something off to Atsumu or grabbing lunch on the way home, he enjoys the domesticity of life with the two of you.

✧ DOING THEIR HAIR. Styling Suna’s hair for him in the morning or helping Osamu touch up his color before he goes back to brown.

✧ Holiday decorating, birthdays, and anniversaries are always fun with these two. To others, they’re relatively reserved, with a few sarcastic comments to spare *cough cough* we all know who I mean- But to you, they’re rambunctious and sweet. Making stupid jokes to see you laugh, babying you, all the like.

✧ Someone picking on you or getting a little too friendly? No need to worry, your two tall ass, intimidating boyfriends have your back. Suna is more of the- glare daggers at them until they get the hint- kinda person, but Osamu is definitely the- throw my arm around my partner and tell the other person to back off- one.

✧ Going to Suna’s games with Osamu to support him! Osamu once pretended to be a fan and asked for his autograph, and when Suna just looked him dead in the face and kisses him everyone around lost their minds.

✧ You and Suna visiting Osamu at work and bringing him lunch so he doesn’t have to make it himself! He has pictures of you three in his office too <3

✧ The boys visiting you at work/school saying it’s to playfully embarrass you, but usually it’s something like; bringing you lunch, coming to pick you up for a spontaneous date/adventure after you clock out, or just coming to sit in your office and bug you for a little while to get your mind off of work.

✧ They are both pretty possessive, but aren’t controlling. They just like to hold you, though Suna is the more reserved one of the boys when it comes to pda.

✧ ^That said, they like to show you off- a lot. Showing pictures of you or the other boy to their coworkers and teammates is a favorite of theirs.

✧ Whatever hobbies you’re into, they like to sit and watch you do. Reading, cooking (with Osamu?😌), baking, art, music, video games, etc. They just love to watch you do your craft! You’re so supportive of them and their dreams, the things they love, they try to repay the favor any chance they get.

✧ Suna is definitely one to just sit his head on your lap or shoulder and listen to you talk all day about something you love <3

Tendo x Ushijima x Reader Poly!

✧ Tendo has a massive collection of hoodies and he loves it when you two wear them. It makes him so happy to see you guys in something that’s his, a physical symbol that you two want people to know you’re with him.

✧ Both very affectionate partners, in their own ways. vv

✧ ^Tendo wasn’t very fond of pda at first, more so he wasn’t comfortable with it because he thought you two would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Once he found out you two weren’t embarrassed of him and wanted to show others your relationship, he was all for it! Usually likes to hold your hands or lean on one of you.

✧ ^Ushijima is more subtle with his affection, not because he’s scared or embarrassed, just that he prefers to do it in private. He knows you two know he loves you, so he doesn’t really see the need to be all over you in public. But in private? That man is always hugging you or nuzzling into your shoulder- he’s like a giant teddy bear.

✧ Ushijima loves to do all the domestic shit with you two. Cooking, cleaning the house, running errands. He’s just a sucker for feeling like a lil family with his two cuties.

✧ Tendo loves to plan the dates! Though if you want to, he’ll gladly let you! He likes to plan little day adventures for the three of you, whenever Toshi doesn’t have practice or training!

✧ Tendo likes to have his nails painted by you, and Ushijima likes to watch you two <3

✧ Matching nails with Tendo??? Mhm😌

✧ Protective boyfies! Let’s be honest here, it’s unlikely you’re gonna have too many problems with these two giants standing next to you. But if there ever is one, they definitely scare off whoever is bugging you quickly.

✧ These two are some of the most comforting people on here. They both had their share of not so great things happen to them growing up, Tendo being bullied and Ushijima basically being treated like a brute. The two of them became really good at comforting people, knowing how it feels to not have someone there to comfort you when you needed it.

✧ They’re big on cuddling to begin with, but if you’re ever sad or stressed? Prepare for Tendo making a pillow fort and Ushijima baking your favorite treats. These two are incredibly supportive and comforting when you need them <3

✧ Ushijima once got so fed up with Tendo being a little brat, he threw him onto his shoulder and walked around the house like that for a good half hour. Tendo thought it was hilarious and so did you

✧ Speaking of, he seems to really enjoy carrying the two of you around at random times. Piggyback rides, bridal style, or just like a koala clinging to him, he loves it.

✧ Tendo can sense a mood change in the two of you like it’s nothin. Seriously, the guy just knows when something is bugging either of you.

✧ The boys definitely ask if they can get a pet when you move in together. Tendo has a long list of crazy animals and Ushijima keeps suggesting a hedgehog for some reason.

✧ Regardless of what you decide on, you know these two are going to treat your pet like their baby. They’re going to spoil tf outta that little fella. 100% Tendo takes a million photos of them everyday. Ushijima doesn’t baby talk, he just talks to them normally about random things like volleyball and it’s pretty comical.

✧ Visiting Tendo at his chocolatier shop! He usually has very long days, and gets extremely happy when you two pop in to see him. Please bring this baby some lunch or dinner, he’s not a big eater and often forgets too. He has pictures of the three of you in his office too <3

✧ Watching Ushijima’s games and practices! This boy can’t get enough of the praise you and Tendo offer him! He loves seeing you sport his jersey with his name on the back, and he says seeing you two in the stands at practice or during a game really helps his focus?

✧ If you’re someone who has a period, these two are so sweet and thoughtful to ya. Tendo always makes the best chocolate, and Ushijima is basically a walking heater, he runs you hot baths too! Both handle mood swings very well and always make sure the pain meds are stocked in the house. 10/10 boyfies

✧ Please let Ushijima have as many house plants as he wants. He loves them and names each of them, he’s let you and Tendo name some before too! Catch this big teddy bear talking to his plants while he repots or waters them and your heart will melt </3

Futakuchi x Shirabu x Reader Poly!

✧ Salty, sarcastic, teasy boyfies- if you’re easily flustered, prepare yourself, they are going to use it against you. Calling you nicknames and saying things they know will make you start to stutter at any chance they get. (Lookin at you, Futakuchi) (please don’t think I’m making fun of people with a stutter, I have one myself.)

✧ Very protective, though they may not show it as often as some others do. Someone messing with you? You bet they’re next to you in an instant- offering several sarcastic remarks and a menacing glare from Shirabu, Futakuchi throwing an arm around you and bending down to the creeps level to further the intimidation.

✧ Both very comforting partners, if you’re feeling anxious or upset they’ll gladly take you into a big cuddle pile. Petting your hair or cheek, and telling you all the sweet things they can think of to see you smile.

✧ ^ Shirabu picks up on your insecurities very easily, especially if they’re similar to his own, and helps you learn to cope with and improve your mental health. Futakuchi has a gift for comforting people, always knowing what to say to make you feel 100x better about yourself or anything that’s bugging you <3

✧ Let’s not even get into what they’d say or do to the person if someone hurt your feelings, let alone made you cry. We’ll leave that to your imagination.

✧ Very competitive with each other. They constantly play fight for your attention, making comments about who’s shirt you wore today or who you ate lunch with- but it’s all in good fun.

✧ Futakuchi is a sly bastard, he really loves to fluster and tease tf outta you and Shirabae. For example: When Jirou gets mad at Kenji, Futakuchi just calls him his pretty boy or compliments how cute he looks when he’s angry and Shirabu becomes a complete flustered, stuttering mess.

✧ Going to visit Shirabu at work and/or bring him lunch! He doesn’t like to admit it, but he really does appreciate when you two come to visit and eat with him, especially during long shifts where he doesn’t get to see or talk to you two very much. He always becomes a blushy mess, waving off his coworkers with a glare when they comment on it- or when Futakuchi points it out

✧ Going to watch Futakuchi’s games! He’s very open with his appreciation for the two of you coming to watch his games! Either of you wear an extra jersey of his and it’s game on. He’s mindful to ask if you’re okay with hugs after, since he’s usually pretty sweaty, though.

✧ Of the two of them, Shirabu is the more perceptive one. He can easily pick up on any of the changes in mood the two of you may have, and it makes it easier to solve any issues you may have, rather quickly.

✧ In your relationship, Shirabu also gets frustrated the easiest. Whether it be with himself or the stresses of work and school, he finds himself getting frustrated and overwhelmed rather easily.

✧ You and Futakuchi are masters at calming him down by now, pulling him into a cuddle with lots of affirmation and he feels better in no time, offering to help with his work and take a bit of the load off cheers him up quite a bit too.

✧ Your boys are both very loving and cuddly when sleepy.

✧ Both getting overwhelming soft when you’re being cute, they just start to overload. Whenever you do anything remotely adorable, they can’t help but dote on you. SOFT BOI HOURS

✧ HEAD PATS! That is all. :)

✧ Futakuchi is the type to kiss you hard during an argument while Shirabu is the type to sulk and then come over to you later that night asking to cuddle.

✧ Random hc, but Futakuchi’s car is a fucking mess, I just know it.

✧ Saw this somewhere else, but it fits him! Futakuchi says yes ma’am/sir with a huge shit eating grin.

✧ You three have a good system when it comes to planning dates, taking turns every week or so, although Shirabu tends to prefer slow days/nights at home, given his busy(er) schedule.

✧ Another random hc, but I think Futakuchi has some sort of energy drink addiction and Shirabu is constantly nagging him about cutting it out of his diet because he aggressively cares for that boy.

✧ “Stop drinking that, idiot. It’s bad for you.” “Aww, Jirou~ are you worried about me?” “Shut up,,”

♚ Hope you enjoyed our little collab! Go check out @tetsurocking ’s part on her page! Believe me- it’s good😭 be warned! It does have nsfw content! Mine was gonna but some of you can’t follow rules😤

Taglist: @sunalma @toworuu @lovie-and-co (for your boys😌)

532 notes · View notes

mkstrigidae · 4 years ago

Text

Current WIPs and Fic Concepts

I promised I would do this yesterday, and then I forgot!!! (I was very sleep deprived). Anyways, here are a bunch of the WIP premises that I have in my 'unfinished drafts' folder. Most have at least a few pages written for them, but I love them all! ☺️💕

- A Santa Clarita Diet AU (Jonsa) Takes place in sunny southern California, where a shitty dinner at a mediocre restaurant turns into a huge problem for Jon and Sansa when Sansa's heart stops beating. Although she seems fine, Jon is flabbergasted several days later as he watches his wife- who alphabetizes their pantry and refuses to let anyone wear shoes in the house- rip the throat out of one of the sleazy new partners at their law firm, eating half of him before anyone processes what's going on. Hilarity ensues as Sansa's inhibitions and filter disappear, Arya ropes an extremely confused Gendry into helping figure out what the hell is going on just because he moderates the zombie forum on reddit, and Jon tries to deal with the fact that the woman he loves more than anything is now a humanitarian. He really could use a drink. (This one is actually mostly complete, but i need to refine a few things- i really love it. It's as gory and irreverent as the show, so viewer discretion advised, but it's a BLAST to write).

- A Thor/MCU AU (Jonsa, Steve Rogers/Sansa)- Asgardian prince Aegon is banished to Midgard after one too many arrogant decisions, and is promptly hit by a van containing Dr. Sansa Stark, Dr. Barristan Selmy, and Margaery Tyrell- two astrophysicists studying wormholes and Sansa's best friend and pseudo-intern. Marg yells at him, he yells back, Sansa tases him, and Barristan didn't sign up for the kind of heavy lifting that getting a 200+ pound slab of muscle into the back of a van takes. And then Aegon's younger brother, Jon, shows up, in the middle of an identity crisis because, apparently, he's adopted. He wasn't intending to stay, but he's rather drawn to Dr. Stark and her brilliance, and against her better judgement, she starts to trust him, and maybe even like him. This story is in about three parts so far- the first is based on 'Thor' and the second on 'The Avengers' and are fully Jonsa, and the third started as a family bonding story between the Stark kids and Tony (Ned and Tony are second cousins, and Ned was really supportive of Tony in rehab without expecting anything in return), and accidentally turned into a Steve Rogers/Sansa Stark story, which is a pairing i am HERE for. A lot of this one is written, but it needs some fill in before publishing, although it's one of my favorites that i've written to go back and actually read.

- A Star Wars AU (Jonsa) where Sansa and Arya are Alderaanian princesses who are off planet when Alderaan is destroyed- Sansa as a senator and Arya as a pilot, both working for the rebellion, and jon is a smuggler who does not know how all of these people got on his ship and why two princesses are sassing him. His copilot, Tormund (yes he's a wookie), thinks it is hilarious. I started this one just the other day, and it's already thirty pages long, most of them involving Sansa and Arya sassing people. Dany is a leader in the rebellion, Roose Bolton is the emperor, and Barbrey Dustin is a disgruntled former jedi trying to live in peace on a remote planet until another Stark crashes into her life and harangues her into teaching again.

- A witches/magic AU (Jonsa) where the Starks run an apothecary and spellcasting supplies shop. Jon had been completely in the dark about magic before his mother confessed to being born into a family of witches. He finds himself traveling to her hometown, trying to understand her world more clearly, and what it means for him. On the way, he develops something of a crush on the red-headed shop clerk who brews the best headache potions in town. Featuring lots of magical shenanigans, this is one of my favorites in the folder :)

- A 24 hour diner AU (Jonsa) where Jon is a local mob boss, and Sansa works the late shift at Seaworth's diner to buy textbooks for the PhD she's working on in botany. Sansa's running from memories, and Jon has a soft spot for the red-headed waitress who always remembers how he likes his coffee.

- An East of the Sun, West of the Moon AU!!! (Jonsa) This is one of my fav fairy tales, and of course i couldn't resist Jon as a direwolf striking a deal with the starks!

- A Roomates AU (Jonsa)- Arya, Jon, Tormund, and Sam have been renting the same house together off Winterfell's campus for years- but when Sam moves in with his girlfriend, they need one more person on the lease. Sansa, about to relocate to Winterfell for grad school, finds out that her boyfriend has been cheating on her and that her housing plans have fallen through, all on the same day. Needless to say, she's a bit upset when she calls Arya to relay the news. There's a simple solution here, if Arya and Tormund can stop teasing Jon about his crush for five minutes. (any excuse to write tormund and arya roasting jon, tbh).

- A Fae AU (Jonsa)- When Sansa, a baker living in the city, washes her face in an enchanted spring on a camping trip, she gains the sight as a result. Suddenly able to see the fae underworld all around her is disorienting and terrifying. Sansa tries to conceal it- afraid of what might happen if the fae around her know that she can see them- but slips up, and catches the attention of Jon Snow- one of the lords of the unseelie court.

- A nuclear winter wasteland AU (Jonsa)- (?? I don't even know how to describe this premise, haha) where the Starks are living and running the Free Winterfell settlement in Siberia after a worldwide nuclear meltdown. Before the fallout, Sansa was one of the world's preeminent researchers in plant genetics and pathology, and works at the settlement to create newer, disease and radiation resistant crops to distribute for free to other settlements, aiming to break up the monopoly that Lannister Corp has on the market. Jon is a scavenger, searching throughout Siberia for his sister Rhae who disappeared several years previously. When he runs across Arya Starkovna, helping her fight off another band of radiation ravaged scavengers is just instinct- he doesn't think twice about it. In thanks, she brings him to the Winterfell settlement, where her brother Robb offers Jon sanctuary and resources, in exchange for serving as a bodyguard for Sansa when she travels to other settlements. Sansa is not particularly thrilled by this arrangement, but given that multiple parties seem to want her dead, she doesn't have much of a choice but to accept his company.

- A reincarnation AU (Jonsa)- of sorts. Robb is an archaeologist who finds a strange set of runes at a site up north, and immediately calls in Jon Snow- a historian and expert in said ancient language, as well as an old university friend of Robb's. When he arrives though, Robb shows him their most valuable finds- two mysterious ice blocks, with what appear to be perfectly preserved bodies from over a thousand years ago. No one could ever have imagined that either of them were still alive, but when the ice melts, revealing two very alive girls, the entire crew is instantly buried in NDAs, and given an assignment from the Westerosi government to figure out what the hell was going on. Sansa and Arya wake up, extremely confused about the world they live in, trying to adapt and mourning all that they've lost, even as the people around them wear familiar faces.

- Soulmates AU (Jonsa)- (Yes, another one, I love this dumb trope) Trauma surgeon and medical resident Sansa Stark is having a very bad day, and ends up meeting her soulmate during what she thinks is a mugging gone wrong. Fortunately, he’s not the one mugging her, just an intervening bystander, but she ends up slightly shot nonetheless. Sansa’s fretting about bleeding on the upholstery in his car, but Jon is a bit more worried about her injuries than the blood stains. He’s a bit confused when she threatens him if he takes her to a specific hospital, nearly has a nervous breakdown when she insists on doing her own triage, and is very charmed when she insists on ice cream after taking pain meds at the hospital. On Sansa’s part, she’s a little less concerned about being shot, and a bit more concerned about whatever weird first impression she’s making to her soulmate while high as a kite on pain pills. (this one just needs some tweaking to be postable- I'm not sure if it's going to be a oneshot or a series, but i love what I have already)

- A Demon/Archivist AU (Jonsa)- where Sansa works in the university's historical archives in Oldtown, and is learning to restore old texts with her fellow student and friend, Alleras (Trans Sarella is an amazing concept). When Joffrey Baratheon shows up with a pile of old books from his family's library to donate, Sansa is eager to get away from his sleaze, and accidentally takes one of the books home with her in her rush to leave. Unbeknownst to her, it's more than it appears, and when she leaves it open overnight, she accidentally summons forth Jon- an ancient, powerful, and extremely annoyed demon who is under a curse, and now hers to command. As Jon and Sansa try to get used to this new normal, the Lannisters (unaware that Joffrey had donated the tome) try desperately to find the book and it's owner, wanting Jon's power for themselves, and putting Sansa in considerable danger unless she can figure out how to break Jon's curse. Fortunately, she's a pretty good researcher, even if Jon is initially a bit of a grump. (This is based on a total wish-fulfillment mary-sue type premise for something I wrote when I was thirteen, and I revisited it and wanted to see what it would look like if i took it very seriously, and i am really enjoying it so far. It's a love letter to the terrible, heartfelt writing i was doing in middle school that created the foundations for my writing today, and so much fun).

The one that I am MOST excited about though:

- A Pacific Rim AU!!!! (Ned/Cat, Gendrya, Braime, Sansa/Jon Umber)-Twins Sansa and Robb Stark have always been completely in tune with each other, and when your parents are Jaeger pilots and your mother invented the neural handshake, what option is there but the Jaeger academy? Sansa studies to be an engineer, but ends up copiloting the Jaeger 'Winter Wolf' with her twin brother, after they lose Ned Stark to cancer. When Robb is ripped out of the conn-pod and killed by a kaiju while he's still connected to Sansa, she barely manages to kill the creature before stumbling back to shore, traumatized, grieving, and swearing that she'll never pilot again.

Unfortunately, the Kaiju don't stop just because Sansa does, and when the end of the world is imminent, Marshall Catelyn Stark orders both her daughter and former pilot Jaime Lannister (who lost his twin and copilot, Cersei, several years previously) back to Hong Kong for one final stand. Forced to face both her demons and an irate Arya, furious that Sansa had abandoned the rest of them after Robb's death, Sansa and Arya have to figure out how to pilot Winter Wolf together before the apocalypse comes for them all.

Featuring Marshall Catelyn Stark (commander of the Hong Kong Shatterdome, inventor of the neural handshake, former Jaeger pilot, and BAMF), Sansa x Jon Umber (Yes i know it's a rare pair but i've always kind of loved the idea of them, even though we know so little about him), Kaiju parts dealer and smuggler Petyr Baelish, bickering kaiju biologist Dany and theoretical mathematician Jon Snow, LOCCENT officer Theon, lots of snark, lots of angst and heartfelt conversations, and a weird friendship between snarky-grieving-asshole Jaime Lannister and kind-quiet-grieving Sansa Stark, who are the only two people in the world who know what it's like to lose a copilot and a twin in the drift.

Thanks for reading guys!! There are more, but some of them I just don't know how to explain quite yet, haha. I'd love to hear what you guys think about these!

#my writing #fanfics #fanfic wip #jonsa #jonsa fic

32 notes · View notes

librarybunny13 · 5 years ago

Text

I am slowly catching up. My diabetes has been way out of wack since the stupid doctor took me off ALL meds while in the hospital. My sugar has been running too high and I’m so tired. I’ve actually called in a few days to work because I just couldn’t.

I was able to go to work today. I still feel like there is sap in my veins instead of blood. These med withdraw are making me weird. I’m still grumpy and irritable and snappy and just icky. I can’t seem to find nice words. It’s like I’m using up my quota for them at work.

The spots where they put in my ivs are still black and blue. Typing is physically painful. Mom and dad went back to Georgia. Once mid December gets here I’m going to have to give up my driver’s license. I will have to uber EVERYWHERE. But, this will become the point when it’ll get dangerous, kinda. I have dropped down to two pills before. In March I will drop down to 1 pill. I think if I’m gonna have a seizure then it will be then.

I’m scared. Seizures hurt. My brain throbs afterwards Well the whole body throbs after a seizure. I usually end up with at least one new scar. Sometimes I have to go and get stitches afterwards or they give them to me while in the hospital. Nothing like knowing you lost control of your body. Worse yet is knowing YOU were the person who beat the shit out of yourself. My worst injuries are to my face. I mean sure usually blood all over my face. But I wear glasses. There have been a few close calls with me hitting my head against my classes so hard that I had to get them plucked out of my skin.

Yea, most of them were when I was younger without diabetes so they healed really fast. But now, with the diabetes, I’m wondering how long it will take to heal. I mean it’s been how many weeks and the IV marks are still there.

I mean I know I’m not beautiful or even pretty. By the modern Western standards I’m not high on the looks scale. I mean I have a LOT going against me.

We’ll start out with me being fat. It doesn’t matter that I started gaining all the weight when on the epilepsy pills. Or that I was told not to exercise by myself starting when I was 10. Hell I wasn’t even allowed to shut the door in the bathroom when I was younger in case I had a seizure in the bathroom. You know, have to make sure Natalie doesn’t drown herself in the shower! So I’m fat. You know people view others in a more negative light if they think that at some point the other person was ever fat in the past? They’ve run scientific studies on it and everything.

I’m top of that I’m going bald. Sure, they think it’s the medication’s fault. I used to have very thick hair. Have you EVER seen a bald woman considered beautiful? Well every once in a while an African American woman, but never one who is balding. Think about all the actresses out there, none are balding. If they are they wear wigs.

Oh and the whole Hispanic thing. Oh to be Hispanic in Trump’s America. I might as well have a sign on me. People can sense weakness. A fat single balding Hispanic female? Boy do I get some shit. I don’t look like much so people who are assholes treat me like trash. Some days I have to like recite positive things to keep my own opinions about myself well positive.

I don’t bother dating anymore. Why should I? I won’t talk about the last few dates I’ve had. Oh god the last blind date I had crushed me completely. I had two co-workers at work. I didn’t realize that the guy I was set up with was a friend of theirs. I ended up hearing about their friend and a “horrible date with a ugly balding fat woman. Oh Natalie it was hilarious! Rob said the girl was so AWKWARD! Not to mention so UGLY!” And alter on I saw pictures from their get together and there he was.... “OH Natalie we should set you up with Rob!” I never told my co-workers that the unknown woman they had been making fun of was me.

See how much I wrote? Fuck. I can tell the hypergraphia is coming back. Hurts to type but still typing. I’m gonna go to bed. hopefully stop crying, have good dreams, and maybe my mind can stop going maudlin.

#personal #justepilepsy

1 note · View note

flameontheotherside · 6 years ago

Text

My Own Ascension & The End

It’s my understanding that everyone's is different. I don’t take the lists people make seriously. They do have SOME merit but not real particular order. It’s kind of a waste of time to worry about it IMO.

I’ve always been kind of intuitive like from the time I was aware. Seen and talked to dead people and see deceased animals like my mom’s dead dog. That was the last time I think I saw plain as day. Seeing them creeps me out. It still creeps me out and I DON’T want it back. God can keep it. Nuh-uh, no thanks, bye!

My skepticism change over time.

I’ve spoken to psychics kind of obsessed with why I felt the need to find this “person” and why did it feel urgency. The urgency had gone away when Erik died. It was later that everything each psychic said to me was pretty true from meeting him by a body of water (in my dreams he was associated with water), that I had some kind of connection with some kind of “love sector” (Yeah WTF is right), I specifically asked about this person who I called my “long-distance boyfriend”. That the one I was looking for was going to leave and there was nothing that could be done about it. This was around the summer right before his death. I crawled into my closet and cried my eyes out. I just knew it was him. That I also failed to find him. That my life was over and I literally felt like dying. What was I living for? Like what’s the point?

After his death I felt my life was over.

The urgency I felt to find him had gone away. Since I just turned 20, I’d been sneaking alcohol and getting shitfaced at karaoke bars and house parties. I just wanted to forget about him! I covered up my pain with wise-cracks, un-serious relationships, being a drama queen, doing things I should have gotten arrested for, and getting high. I didn’t care if I lived. Even while medicated, I just didn’t care. I picked up a few “boyfriends” and I felt nothing. I only did it because I was starting to see my friends dwindle away one by one with families of their own. So to forget about the pain, I tried to have serious relationships. I became in denial that Erik was dead. Like the clock had long since stopped ticking. I became a wreaking time ball. I realized these men were just mistakes. I didn’t really love him because somehow I loved that thing which followed me around and I did feel him with me for real. I just was afraid to find out.

My experience didn’t begin to accelerate until Erik died.

I remember laying down and being freaked out seeing my chakras open up. I felt and saw each one. I wasn’t very educated on chakras. When it became too much, I ran out of my room like a bat out of hell or I wasn't really educated any of the stuff. But I knew a little. Since then I had repetitive dreams seeing him exactly as he was. Again, only I didn’t know it was him until much later. The same dream of being at some kind of pool party, beach, lake or whatever. I was with friends I never seen before I only found out where my friends from “home”. It was always fun but sometimes the water was murky, shallow or deep. It’s symbolism on my spirituality. I was teetering on and off “the path” since the dreams because. The water had much to do with where I was in life. If I was miserable, it was shallow and murky, murky, or just shallow...You get the idea. The water got deeper I got close to meeting Erik. I remember being told to get in a few times. I also remember when I was about 12-13 I was afraid of deep water because I almost drowned. But I had a dream that an Angel had been with me at a friends house. I was instructed to just jump and I did. Since I survived I loved deep diving. Fun as shit. Not sure if it has much to do with it. I’m hearing a no but I’m including it anyway.

Lemme give you the process...

Around ‘12-ish I bought a pendulum with the idea of using it like I do now. Things took a turn for the worst soon after I bought it. It broke and I didn’t have time or energy to try it anyway. Not until a couple years later at a better time in my life. My apartments were haunted and that’s when I got the sense someone was following but it wasn’t bothersome. Most of the time it was comforting. I did feel him around at the home I grew up in but it wasn’t as prevalent. The dreams were still happening. In ‘13-ish I had the dream I wrote about visiting home in The Realms and Erik bombarded me about my spiritual journey and how I didn’t want anything to do with it. It’s still vivid in my mind like a memory. I really fought over how I didn’t want to incarnate. This was as my higher-self. I looked different and felt different. Now I do see her as my higher self the same as in the dream. Trippy.

Fast forward to ‘16...

Times were hard. I lost my job and the money I was making. It wasn’t really a good job anyway. I realize while on my medications, I was able to connect better. As in my intuition was better understood because they kept me calm and centered. But that wasn’t realized until I was back on meds and able to look back at the times I was medication. I also realized that if my “abilities” to be intuitive went away while off my meds, it might be alarming. But it was impossible to sit still or concentrate long enough to give a shit off of them! So anyway, shortly before I got on my meds I had a dream about Erik. But I started my meds again and noticed the dreams coming it more and more.

Early ‘17 I asked God to have my abilities back feeling that there was something I needed to do. Like I have a real purpose and it had something to do with my abilities that have taken a temporary backseat. Did some researching to find out what I can do to have my abilities back and got back in to reading my cards regularly. I saw a movie I’ve seen so many times basically about TFs (In Your Eyes) and thought how cool it would be. Ironically it would my experience with Erik in some kind of way but generally the same. Only he’s dead...

It got intense in spring/Summer ‘17.

Over an argument with my ex, he got me baker-acted. I didn’t know Erik was my TF yet. I remember how cool it would be to talk to him while in there. Two years later, this year, while in the hospital I learned I really could talk to him without my pendulum. It’s kind of cute I made a pendulum board “On The Go!” LMAO by drawing one and taking a picture of it so that in the case I can’t concentrate, I can whip out my penny and dangle that shit above my phone. Just for some clarification. I don’t do it all the time. It’s just sometimes I’m not too confident with discernment without my board and I’m not allowed back in the shelter dorms until 4pm *rolls eyes*.

Okay, we are getting side-tracked!

Learning a skill.

At first, I was watching a lot of paranormal shit and depressed finally tough enough to look for proof as to why I was having this “thing” following me. No matter how comforting it was, it did cause somethings to happen around no matter where I lived and of course only me and maaaaaaybe a few witnessed it. Annoying. I collected pendulums from Ebay and wore them just for shits and giggles. Mostly shits. Ew that’s gross. Anyway so I watched some paranormal shit and remembered,

Hey, I still have my pendulums and a pile of crystals hanging around the “alter” in the headboard behind the mattress!...And a chain!

Reminds me of that Fleetwood Mac song. Kind of accurate. After firing up some sage in my condo --Really! The damn thing nearly caught fire and I’m sure with winds open I was some kind of witch which at the time didn’t necessarily believe in. Pagans and Wiccans were bullshit to me. Even to some level psychics too! How ironic that NOW I happen to be one of those nut-jobs. Go figure. I did my opening and closing rituals to make sure “the door” was closed. I ALWAYS held the intention to be speaking with Erik and much later my grandmother and God would be an important role.

We continued as above pretty much for a while. Using my pendulum was easier, I was able to predict the next letter, then the next word. We really played tug-o-war. I tried to pull the penny to a different letter and he would move it to spell, “Stop doing that!”. LMFAO it was HILARIOUS!!!!! But that’s how I really knew for sure for sure this was for real for real!

Learning about “home”.

It was eye-opening because I remembered the dream I had years ago about returning home. Erik bombarded me with the task about doing what I came to earth to do. Something about his role as well. It didn't know Erik at the time but intuitively I knew that I knew him. There was a familiar-ness . The same I got from in him; the beach and pool parties. In the realms are pools. What I call pools of mana. In video games especially in MMOs there is Mana used to boost up your Magic (sometimes spirit or intellect) Points or MP.

Out of the blue he called me by a different name, “Vanessa”. Then I remembered asking him what my spirit name was a while back. He had told me “nessa”. To me it sounded like Nestle Tollhouse or some shit like I wasn’t really ready for. Well I was kind of shocked because I told him to call her butt-uh (inside joke) so I put both together and asked about her or my role is back home. Turns out I’m part of some counseling group from the realm of Love. OOOOOoooOOoooooo! Oh my my my! lmao So any way I had not only my past lives to pound out, but also I needed to find out more about the realms and my role as what I call a “Galactic Guardian” or Starseed (see tag below)

Anyway, So we continued the healing process starting with our past lives. We had three of them and we literally looked at all three and healed them. It’s like going to the therapist and laying down and shit. Only because I actually go in to hypnotic state and see these events happening. We pick apart all of the difficult situations in each relationship as bother and sister, husband and wife, and gay lovers. *In Kevin Hart voice* Bing bang boom. Very intense all together. Very much like therapy. Erik goes all sort of sarcastically,

“...And how does that make you feel?”

With a notepad in one hand and a pen in another! He always finds a way to crack me up. He’s my own personal comic relief. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes he just goes to far. Well so do I. Guess it’s some sort of “karma” everyone talks about. *rolls eyes* Whatever.

2018 is all kind of a blurr and I met “God”

Things really didn’t kickoff until summer/fall. Now, I was at a point I wasn’t using my note pad anymore to keep track of our conversations. They were sort of stored in this crazy blob in my unsightly skull. We were still covering our past lives and when it ended, it was time to meet “God”. It really happened when I wanted to know that oracle cards Doreen Virtue had to add to my collection. I only found out she turned away from this kind of spiritual stuff toward (for lack of a better term in my ignorance) being a “Jesus Freak” and there’s absolutely nothing with it. Being that I looked up to her, it brought me back down to earth. In-spite of the safely precautions and measures before each session, was I consorting with demons? I’m I wrong? Is Erik a Demon? I started to feel my chest tighten and it was getting harder to breathe. I felt like I was going to have a heat attack and immediately closed the Chrome window starting at me dead in the face.

I’ve met Angels Raphael and Micheal..Oh and my Guardian Angel, Josana. Both Archangels are just described. Micheal (means God-like) is a lot like but God “LITE”. A watered down level of God (Sorry Mike)! Raphael is like a physician you see for your check ups. He gives me dietary advice and encourages me to keep my health. Literally while having a panic attack, he measured my heart-rate and assured me that there was nothing wrong. It’s like Raph gives me the veggies and Mike leans over behind me making sure I eat everything on my plate. They are no different than getting their help or advice through angel oracle cards made by Doreen Virtue. It’s funny because i can recall a oracle card that almost matches what they really say to me. Creepy right?

“Yes this is your heavenly father, Jehova.”

OK. Everyone has a name for “God” because of my religious background growing up as a Jehova’s Whitness. Everyone has their own idea or name for “source”. Meeting God wasn’t on the top of my list because I was afraid. I had not been a “good christian” and I’ve fell off the path long ago. In my selfish mind I thought if there was a God I wouldn’t suffer the way I have my whole life. I’ve been through what everyone goes through. But in my mind, my life was enough to make some people want to die. Erik found how much I suffered realizing how the way he left was trivial. If it had to be between us to be put out of their misery, it should have been ME! But I couldn’t no matter how much pain I was in, I couldn't do it. I was afraid of going to Hell. Even though I didn’t really believe in God I always thought with my luck, God or not, my ass is going to burn forever in fire and brimstone. Then out of curiosity i wanted to know demons too. If Angels and benevolents exist there must be demons. Well I did meet them. If you remember, I’ve met these assholes and sent them away. Now that I know the difference I feel free-er and well educated.

God was right there IN MY FUCKING CONDO...

Immediately I was scared as shit like that moment you know you’ve done something back and you are hiding in the closet, except I was basically frozen on my futon. It felt like that. God is very much like Fem and Masc energy together so obviously this means he doesn’t have a Twin Flame. So he can be that honest-god (Hahahah) honest father that tell you like it is without sugar-coating it. I mean he literally in my hissy-fit over something stupid, he said I was, “Acting like a child and it’s time I have patience or I can forget about the things he’s got in store for me.” By the way he really did come through! There were moments I asked for things and they happened! A new bag, art supplies, new pillow, a hat. Some I got EXACTLY how I wanted them! I’ll never forget it. Law of Attraction IS REAL and it’s like God gives it to you like Oprah gives out prizes!

God forgave me of course and basically I have a good heart. It’s apparent to him how honest I was. He assured me everything leading up to then was genuine. He encouraged me to re-read the bible as much as I can. I’ve got a children's version of it over and over. The book of Enoch, Ester --both not in the bible, and Job are my faves. For some reason that version is the best way I can understand especially with the pictures. I hate when Christians tell he how I need to read the bible. Like leave me alone. At least I’m reading or listening to it. Seriously sometimes I can’t have conversations without someone taking out their bible and tell me how to read it. When I say I really can’t just sit there all day trying to read AND interpret it, I’m doing so the best way I can. It means I can’t do it. I do it in my own way and that’s all that matters to God. I understand what I understand and HOW I understand it. Like the documentaries about the bible and it’s archaeological proof that events really happened. The great food is a big one. That was the one documentary that got me thinking twice about being an Atheist. Now, I consider myself a Gnostic Theist considering everything I have learned about The Realms (not exactly spirit realms) and where I and SOME of my friends are from. Otherwise I’d have to be Gnostic.

As my pendulum swung, so did my head.

In every other word I was able to “hear” them. He would let me know by going “ding!”. It was alarming (no pun intended) to figure out all of a sudden I knew what he was say as every other word kind of appeared in my head. I remembered this was part of my own ascension. We had merged and everything was happening so fast. So by the end of ‘18 I was literally beginning to hear him just by listening to the frequency of 110hz playing in my speakers. Then I started to hear him when there ever was a steady beat like in footsteps, the sound of rain, when I was washing a plate, every sylable was like:

It’s--Oh--Kay--I--M--Not--Go--ing--to--hur--t--you!

I was talking to myself and I heard him! I freaked out. As in I really thought I was going insane. It didn’t want it. I kept saying to him that I wasn’t ready! I got over my fear and before you know it, I’m having conversations with him while watching a Netflix and YouTube! It was like I had him in my headset. We had the kind of long-distance relationship I seeked before he died. Once, I forgot he was dead. When it sunk in again, It had me by the ovaries and I dare say I fell apart because I wished he was alive. By ‘19 without my pendulum I can hear him in my right ear. When he’s yelling, the sound carries over to my left side. It really feels like someone is screaming in your ear in a concert hall. You can imagine the kind of psycho-happy he was when I could finally hear him! We even sing together!

But then I couldn’t get him to STFU! At first it was creepy, then cool, then I’m being tested on my ability to shut him off! Since we merged and God married us, everything was so fast it was hard to keep up. So overwhelmed, God and my Granny would visit to encourage me to move forward and that I’m not doing anything wrong. Through the hard times happening between Vince and I they stood by me always. Erik and I communicate as though time wasn’t even a thing. We are two-peas-in-a-pod! He’s my Twin Flame, Spirit Guide, best friend and my “spirit spouse”.

Erik said that in my ascension the last step is being able to see him.

I long since said I didn’t want to. It was hard and painful (That’s what she said!) to know he’s dead. Well he forced me to by sending in dude that kind of resembled him up until we got to Dean Winchester. I was like:

“Ummmm, errrrrr, no, sorry but no way man. You have to be joking. You are a far cry from him. I just don’t see it!”

So of course he wouldn’t shut up because of course he was going to annoy me AGAIN by embarrassing myself around dudes. Oh god I’ll never really forget the first time I nearly died. I wasn’t ready. I looked like I had just crawled out of bed! Why of why hadn’t I been given notice. My third-eye would pop-off when he was getting my attention. Sure enough I look up and hide behind Vince gasping for air. Not quite a dopple-ganger but good enough to freak me out. He wanted me to make that correction as he’s kind of hovering over my shoulder as he always does.

Anyway *rolls eyes* So i watched a few to find, wow I guess he’s right especial the parts he loves his car, music like Metallica, ACDC, ect...Oh yeah and how he thinks he’s “adorable”. Well I don’t think he’s adorable....I’M ADORABLE, BITCH! There can only be MEEEEEE! But he makes a point there. Being we are Twin Flames that makes us both adorable. Sure, whatevs. I learned to gather up my ovaries and said, “fuck it”, I’ve seen and heard what he wanted me to and admitted yeah, sure, I give up, he wins. As always he gets what he wants. He’s totally salty I said that. No, he’s not a dick. He’s a pansy. He’s threatening to hit me with a wrench. Too bad he can’t do it for real but then again I can’t really bonk him on the head either. I get more satisfaction with physical contact...Oh god, ”That’s what she said!”. He’s a slick dick all talk and no action.

I really feel like this hole experience makes a good story and a good lesson in persistence, patience, and spiritual growth. It’s surprising to me that like on all “hobbies” I’m able to follow through on this journey as long as I have. The things that kept me doing this is the love and support from my friends here, Erik, Granny and God. Literally I asked for this and it’s like “Be careful of what you ask for” kind of thing except Twin Flames wasn’t in my vocabulary. The dreams and incidences that occurred leading me to him all were for a reason no matter how painful and torturous they were. I’ve never cried so much but I’ve never healed so much. This is like spiritual boot camp. My guides break my down to lift me up. I’m coming out of this process a stronger than before. I have to really thank my guides for all the things they put me through.

My own kind of ascension might be over now that I can see, hear, and even feel Erik. At least what he called our ascension process. It is to my understanding like our own individual spiritual journey, our own ascension process is different too. This is not a one size fits all gig. There is no right or wrong way. To bark around with, no this is this or that is that ( I’m guilty of it too...) is kind of silly if we are all individual and unique being on earth! It feel cool but as I’ve said before, just because this processed ended doesn’t mean our story or whatever we have is over. We both still have much to discover and share in our day to day life.

For those who have followed me through this,

Again, Thank you all!

2 notes · View notes

longeyelashedtragedy · 6 years ago

Text

tumblr is dead but i’m still living

so i have admired many famous people in my time, but virtually none of them have felt like ‘role models,’ even if i have found them cool and interesting. i wrote about this last year, i think--how i have very few of them and how cristina is one of the only people i would consider a ‘role model’ or actual inspiration. honestly there’s only two famous figures i’d place in that role, and they’re both VERY similar people which is fully understandable to me but still fuckin hilarious.

i know we’re all like ‘protect our favs uwu’ but out of all the favs i’ve had cristina is the only one who i feel the strong urge to protect. this is why i don’t talk about the bad things she has done or has probably done, even though a lot of them really clash with my personal code of ethics. i don’t want like, people who don’t understand her to see that shit, although you can certainly find it online (or talk to me about it--english language reporting on argentina is pretty dismal, especially british sources, because there’s a lot of resentment for cristina’s wild and provocative nationalism about the falklands/malvinas. unlike mauricio who couldn’t give 1 flying fuck about that conflict lmao).

i think the drive to Protecc is because cristina and i have the Same Disorder(TM) and i feel like in some way in 2009 i must have picked up on that even though i had neither received a diagnosis (2012) or learned about hers (2017). in that way i feel incredibly deep empathy and compassion for her. i understand her vulnerabilities profoundly; very often, they are the same as my own. i understand her obsessiveness, her dependence on certain things for stability. i understand the origins of a lot of her weird and awkward behaviors. it’s her business to choose not to take meds, but i can feel the chaos that i know is in her head (it’s in all of our heads with The Disorder(TM)) and feel bad because i know what that’s like.

i also recognize the things about it that make her so epic, and in some way it explains some of her bad decisions. it doesn’t excuse them, but her untreated grandiosity and feelings of untouchability probably have contributed to leading her to possibly do criminal shit--she felt like she could, and she indeed could, because she’s smart as tits and charismatic too, and she also figured she’d never get caught or that if she got caught it’d all be ok*.

(*with the way the judicial system in argentina is AND her cult of personality status in the country, if they do find proof beyond a reasonable doubt of any of her crimes, they may not even want to put her in jail because she’d become this like completely epic martyr for the cause/victim of the evil capitalists type-figure, and that is the LAST thing the rest of the politicians in the country want. this lady’s entire existence is this force of control and chaos even when she’s not doing anything; it’s remarkable) 

there are def other Favs of mine who i must admit i don’t like to see criticized. but still, seeing criticisms of them that i feel are unfair doesn’t cause me pain the way it does when i see criticisms of cristina that i feel are unfair. or, in truth, any criticism. i wanna shake clarín and be like just leave her alone! there’s screaming inside her head 24/7 and she’ll never recover the stability she lost when néstor died! in this she is unique and always will be. i see myself in virtually no one, but I do see myself in her.

if she does deserve to go to jail, then i guess i have to hope she goes, and may she figure out how to keep her hair dyed with her prison bitches’ blood. but it would be quite hard to process.

(PS. the best way to deal with feeling sad about unfair criticism is to really intensely mock it with your most trusted pals) 

#originals #cristina #very publique personal things #2009in2018

3 notes · View notes

hjertetssunnegalskap1 · 6 years ago

Text

Skam Fic Love Fest Day 1: Comments

@evaksbinder arranges this lovely challenge, Skam Fic Love Fest 2018, and I love, love, love the idea. As always, I've planned this badly, and it collides with thousand things I've got going on right now. Still, I'll try to post a thing or two during the week!

Today's prompt is comments.

I feel like I forget to comment on fics all the time, and lately I’m been too busy, too. So today I have commented on some recent fics and I will give them a shoutout here. Check out Vivo (estas) Nun by Bewa, Og opp til hodet by imminentinertia, Scrim by eiqhties, What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been by XioNin. I also commented on The One That Got Away by cami_soul, Synchronicity by XioNin and once more on Masters of their own domain by evakuality. The comments got a little short today, because I’m in a hurry with some boring adulting things. However, a little is better than nothing, right?!

* * *

As a writer I have gotten so many lovely comments, and I really can’t get how I deserve them? At all? But I cherish them all anyway, of course. It makes me so happy to see that others actually want to read the things I write and enjoy them, too! Here are some of the commenters I really appreciate.

One of the first comments I got was this one from Strangetowns / @canonicallyanxious on Don’t leave me (alone): Aw, this is really lovely! And such an interesting start to what's coming up. I love the histories you've constructed for the two of them, like it's different from canon but also feels totally plausible and realistic with what we know of them as characters? I love the alternating pov, i think you pull it off really well and it helps create a more balanced dynamic between the two of them which is super lovely. I love that even though this fic happens in the course of one day, the development of their relationship feels quite natural. It's very believable why they would be so attracted to each other so quickly, especially considering their shared history! Anyway, I'm really enjoying this so far, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes <3

I really love this comment from Livet_er_naa on the same fic that actually mentioned something that didn’t quite work and that I could fix. I appreciate to get both positive feedback and concrit. This is the only concrit comment I have gotten from others than my beta readers, so it has a special place in my heart: Tror du trygt kan utnevnes til master i lange kapitler ;) Bare en ting jeg stusset litt over - på slutten av delen som heter "Even - The gift". Først ser det ut som det er Isak som sier :" – Fy faen, he whispers. – Jeg elsker deg." (eller er det Even som sier det? Ble litt usikker). Bare noen setninger senere sier nemlig Isak "I love you", og av måten de snakker om det på virker det som det er noe han sjelden sier... Og det stemmer jo ikke hvis han nettopp sa det? Ble bare litt forvirret her, håper det er greit at jeg sier det, det er jo egentlig bare en detalj. :) Du skriver at du har strevd mye med kapittelet, men det merkes ikke når man leser i hvertfall. Og du fikk med mye fint fra sesong 4 også. Fint avslutningskapittel dette da! :)

@coolauntskam gave me this enthusiastic comment on The Very Personal Shopper: Ahhhh!!! You already know how much I love this fic. So sweet and funny and hot. It's still hilarious to see my grocery ordering adventures immortalized in fanfic. LOL. I'll never be over it. Thank you for this entertainment, haha!!And you had me laughing out loud with the lightsaber stuff. xD Oh, and OF COURSE Isak prefers Han over Luke. That's my boy! <3 Thank you for writing this, Camilla. It was delightful. :-D

On Different, but same, I got some surprisingly lovely comments. Surprisingly, because the fic is a little strange and there are some consensual issues with it. Still, @rogueleader1987 , KT, wrote me this fantastic comment: GIRL YOU KILLED ME!!!!!! that was so fantastic <3333333 i am feeling so many feels! ily. And later, Flatfootmonster / @becsfannibal attacked me with this comment when I needed it the most: You are far, far, far from useless love. Seriously, one of my favortie writers sadi something like "Grammar, spelling, plot, playout, characters... these things can always be improved upon, because they are skills, but you have to have the talent to tell a story; that's the only prerequisite" and thank god he said that, cos lord my grammar is terrible now but it used to be appaulling. But I keep working on it and writing. YOU can tell a story, don't give up <3 I really felt a whole dizzying array of emotions from your words and that was beautiful. Thank you, I know fanfic writing can be a thankless task sometimes but remember the positivity <3

Im_a_bird left me this amazing comment on Drunk on your colours: Only you can feel what you feel...except when you can also feel what everyone else feels too. This is such an interesting idea that they both have special abilities that set them apart and give them insight into other people. I would think Even's gift could be more painful than Isak's since Even is getting a real-time signal boost of their current feelings. It seems like it would be overwhelming. I want to comment on a thousand things from this chapter but I don't even know where to start. Oh wait! I do! That kiss...ahhh. Isak wanted that for so long and then finding out that Even deepened the kiss because he could feel how much Isak wanted him made it that much better! First year Isak and third year Even fics are especially my favorite! I love that Isak hasn't shrugged on that angry brittle protective shell quite so much at this point. He's just a little more open and innocent than he was by his second year. When he says he will change, I hope those aren't the changes he plans to make. This is so, so good!

arindwell/ @arindwell gave me this amazing comment on the same fic: I think I told you this already but I loved the positive feedback loop they had during sex, where Even felt Isak's emotions and got more turned on, and Isak saw/heard/felt Even get more turned on, and they just fed into each other. It's nice that they can get something fun out of their powers, not just the serious aspects (which are fascinating.) I really liked that when they finally got together it was light and not too angsty, which they deserved after pining over each other for so long. It was sweet (and sad) that Even could still think Isak would want someone other than him! I enjoyed this story so much. You always surprise me with your plots, as it's never what I'm expecting, and I love that. Thank you!

OceanOfInfinity always leave me lovely comments, and here’s one she left on The Cuddle Snuggle App: I am all in in this one! Based on the premise, it might become my favorite of your app series. It's unique but based in reality. Can't wait for more!

Amfelia wrote me this amazing comment on Trollbundet/Spellbound: Spent the entire train ride to and from work reading this. Can’t begin to tell you how difficult it was not to do some stealth reading at work in between meetings, but I managed. Absolutely loved this, I think it is my favorite soulmate-fic, the way you used the bond as symbolism for how it sometimes can feel falling in love. And the tension, Even pulling back, Isak letting him do that. It was just so clever. You are clever.

On the same fic I got this comment that really picked me up when I was feeling a little down: Amethystus wrote: Camilla <3 Been saving this gem for when I'd have better time, and which time could possible be better, than my first week of summer vacation!

Where do I start? I haven't read many soul bond fics, so I don't know what's considered right and wrong, but I love what you're doing with it. Like, they're not forced to stay together, and they still have to work on their relationship, this is just some kind of magical matchmaking, like a nudge in the right direction. So beautiful!

The setting is perfect. I mean, meeting your sweetheart at a music festival, it's so realistic, even if it's literally Enchanting! All the little nods to s3, like "stay here with you forever" and kebabs (albeit moose kebabs) as comfort food, it's just so adorable. And I love the isfolket-ish chapter titles <3 Now I know you like playing around with different types of media, so you've probably thought of a soundtrack for this little darling already, but I thought I'd let you know that I listened to Jennie Abrahamson's "Into Deep" while reading. Check it out if you want to! Kudoskudoskudos and love!!!

* * *

I could have mentioned so many more, but this was what I managed in a hurry. Right before midnight, lol. Thank you, all of you! All these comments and so many more made me forget my worries and keep writing! ❤️

#skam #skam fic love fest 2018 #SFLF2018 #day one #comments

13 notes · View notes

melibee44 · 5 years ago

Text

Pseudoscience Paramedic

All I really remember is the 911 operator being impatient with me. I can’t blame her; she probably knew it was a panic attack... but I didn’t know that at the time. I hadn’t had one in ages. I honestly thought I was in medical distress.

She really wanted me to take my pulse on my neck while she counted, but wasn’t understanding (I was gasping for air while trying to talk) that I’d had surgery and had an incision on my neck and my whole neck hurt too much to touch. So I was trying to find my pulse on my wrist while she kept insisting it needed to be my neck and I kept trying to tell her that my neck wasn’t an option.

Luckily, the paramedics saved us from that endless loop when they arrived at the door and rang the doorbell.

I was really hoping the doorbell would wake my parents as I had a long way to go to answer it and was feeling like there’s no way I could walk that far. I still felt mostly paralyzed, even though I’d got my arms going. The operator assured me I could do it though and told me I absolutely had to. How the hell else would they get in anyway?!

I actually rolled out of the bed and my whole self onto the floor with a thud. I pulled myself to my knees and started crawling towards the bedroom door. Then I managed to get to my feet when I had something solid to hang onto and I dragged my ass upstairs to let the two emergency workers in.

I was so relieved when I got the door open for them, that I dropped to my knees. I heard the words “how do you want us to help you? We can’t give you anything.”

I remember thinking “I just want you to make sure I’m not dying,” but I can’t remember what I actually said.

They seemed to know right off the bat that it was anxiety and one of them started coaching me through the breathing I needed to do to start to calm down. She told me that everything I was feeling was common with hyperventilation and panic. She also hooked me up to the pulse and blood pressure monitors and I couldn’t see the numbers, but she didn’t look happy with them until right before they left. I don’t know how long they were there for, but it seemed to be a good chunk of time. The sun had come up by the time they left.

They talked to me about my options and I refused transport to the hospital. There’s no way I was going to go sit in an ER for hours again only to be told I get one med option and if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Plus, we had established that I was not, in fact, dying.

There was a point where while the one paramedic (or EMT - I can never remember which is which) was helping me, the other was taking down a list of my medications from my mama, who had a copy. I use Metformin to treat PCOS and that always confuses medical professionals, so from there, they clarified what condition each med was treating.

I’m on a lot of meds to treat a lot of conditions... anytime I ask the doctor if it’s too much, they say some people just have lots going on and have to deal with it. They tell me that I’m not crazy or on too many things.

The emergency worker who I’ve nicknamed Pseudoscience Paramedic kept making the judgy “oh wow” noises every time she wrote down a new med. Then once the other had unhooked me from the machines, PP leaned down and told me that she noticed I have a lot of conditions and she had some information she thought might be helpful. She said she would write it down and leave it with my mom.

I thought to myself “this can’t be real... is she for real? This had better at least be fucking hilarious” and she did not disappoint.

She left me the name of a Naturopath Clinic that sells supplements and the name of a book called “Eat Fat Get Lean.” Between the two websites, we had all the pseudoscience hits! The latter even named butter as a “healthy fat” and if that’s not bullshit, I don’t know what is.

I’m not going to share either of them with you because they spread dangerous misinformation and disinformation, but I will share that I immediately thought of one of my favourite writers - SciBabe, so be sure to give her site a visit to learn why pseudoscience is harmful.

Before they left, the other paramedic (not PP) advised me that my pain was not well managed, which while it seemed like stating the obvious, I was glad to again have someone else articulate it. She said I needed to get to a doctor as soon as possible and get something to treat the pain that works for me. I remember tearing up and asking “what do I say when they won’t help me? How do I make them understand?”

She appeared sympathetic and said something along the lines of “I wish there was a simple answer.” She encouraged me to keep trying.

The rest of that morning was a blur of tears and being told to breathe. I had a bit of a fight with my mama when I accused her of not believing me. It’s not really what I meant, but after sleep deprivation, I’m not particularly articulate. We would eventually figure out that we had been misunderstanding one another almost the whole time.

I called my hubby to take me to a Medicentre once they were open and give my parents a break. They were trying to prepare to host a big family gathering the next day.

The lovely doctor was very understanding. She prescribed me Toradol (Ketoralac) a strong NSAID that made a world of difference. Like night and day. I couldn’t believe how much better I felt once it took effect. That’s when I knew for sure the Tramadol hadn’t worked at all. I needed that reference point to be sure.

When she offered the prescription, I nodded then burst into tears and thanked her for listening to and believing me. She took my face in her hands and told me everything was going to be okay and gave me some other pain management tips. She really helped me more than she’ll ever know that day.

#spoonielife #pain management #thyroid #surgery #my words #hospital #spoonie #healthcare #pain pain go away #anxious #panic attack #paramedic #emergency #911dispatcher

0 notes

canaryatlaw · 6 years ago

Text

well today was alright. I tried to go to bed a bit early last night and I woke up feeling slightly less exhausted so I suppose that’s good (I say as it’s 11:52 pm and I’m just starting this). Got up, got dressed, got on the train you know the drill. I was shadowing the newest attorney in court today, although shadowing might not be the right word since it was more like assisting, lol. he’s the only one who’s been hired after me so far, but he took the bar in February so he’s already sworn in (though more on swearing in later) and can actually step up in court, so I was basically just helping him manage cases and courtrooms and such. the call wasn’t too crazy, some days there will be like 3 of us staked out in different courtrooms updating our people about what case they’re up to so they can run from one to the next while we fill out the orders for them, lol, so this was relatively calm which was nice. We finished at about 11 and as I was heading back to the office for some reason I really wanted grilled cheese, and I figured I could take an early lunch if I stopped by the Starbucks in the pedway underneath the courthouse. there’s the grilled cheese place on that walk as well but they generally take a little longer to make them and I didn’t want to waste time so I just went to Starbucks and picked up one of their grilled cheeses since they’re doing that now (they’re pretty good!) and my latest drink pick, which has been a berry hibiscus refresher made with lemonade instead of water. I suppose it’s something other people have ordered because they didn’t even bat an eye when I said it. It wasn’t actually my idea, when we were at the airport Starbucks the other day I ordered a refresher and the person was like “do you want lemonade with that?” and I was like ?? sure??? I didn’t know that was an option??? lol, but it’s quite good so I’m satisfied with that. Got that and took the train back to the office. I found out the deposition was supposed to sit in on had got switched to a different lawyer (they do that a lot) and been moved to by phone, so I didn't have to observe anymore because a lot of the point of having people sit in on them is having them observe their demeanor and how they would come off to a jury, so doing that by phone is kinda pointless. I was fine with this because it meant I’d have more time to work on the project that’s due tomorrow and I didn't know if I could finish in time if a deposition took a while. So I went back to my office and started tackling that. the underlying legal process is complicated so I won’t really go into it, but basically their cases of under-insured motorists where the person at fault’s car insurance limit isn’t enough to fully compensate the injured person, so the injured person then goes to their own insurance company, which usually fights them every step of the way because insurance companies are garbage, so basically we were just filling out a form assessing the state of the cases, but that requires going through like 100 or so documents per case with details scattered throughout, so you had to read every line. thankfully they’re digital at least so I didn’t have to deal with piles of paperwork (one of the things I did not appreciate while working for the government). So I ended up doing that for pretty much the rest of the day, I finished around 4 or so but didn’t email them in yet because the lady who assigned the task just re-assigned some to another guy and I didn’t want to get assigned more, lol. I ended up talking to one of the boss guys (I don’t know who the hell is my actual boss, everyone’s kinda my boss at this point, except the assistants at least, but this was the boss guy who likes me a lot and was one of the ones who interviewed me) about the blog post I wrote about the mass tort situation effecting a Chicago suburb right now (if you’re curious google “sterigenics willowbrook” but I’ll warn ya, it’s not pretty) and he read it and then said he thought it was excellent and that he was gonna talk to one of the head head people (one of the people who have the last name that the firm is named for, there’s a few of them, 3 I think? brothers) so I was pleased to hear that because I somehow get super self-conscious about my writing all the time even when I know I’ve been doing this shit for my dad since I was 12 and could practically write this stuff in my sleep, I feel like I lose perspective and I think if it wasn’t too difficult for me it must not be that good, but that’s not what’s ended up being true. so that was nice at least. I had to sort and count the folders for court in the morning which was fine, then I headed home. I got off the train at the stop by Target to pick up the prescriptions I dropped off yesterday since I don’t really have the time for Target trips during the week, getting on and off the train tends to be more practical. got the meds, and on my walk back to the train I ran into one of the lawyers who works at the domestic violence legal clinic that I haven’t seen in a few months so that was cool, I told her that I passed the bar and was at least employed (not where I want to be, but it’s money, and with the job market right now being what it is makes it even harder to get a public interest job) so she was very happy to hear that which was nice. I really did love working for their office, I found the work so fulfilling and I honestly used it as a way to talk about my skills and experience during a lot of interviews when it came to things like communicating with clients in tough situations who need your help but also your compassion, and I mean there aren’t many other situations where it’s just a law student and the client up in court, you’re the only emotional support they’ve got there, and if something goes wrong as it sometimes did, it was up to you to fix it, and I honestly feel like I gained so much knowledge from working those cases, and while I’m sure many would find the work depressing I always found it incredibly fulfilling and I was always itching to get back to working there when there was a new year or semester. but yeah, that was nice. I took the train the rest of the way home and from there changed into comfy clothing and got some dinner, then set up to watch the good place after chatting with my roommate for a bit about this past weekend in NY, shows and such. the good place continues to be hilarious, I laughed out loud for a solid 10 seconds when Eleanor called jury duty a “pointless group activity” because I mean?? she ain’t wrong lol. so that’s always enjoyable. when that was over I switched over to Iron Fist because I guess I’m this invested in season 2 already I might as well finish it. it’s not bad?? definitely better than the first season, though that’s not saying much, but also just not quite reaching the level you would expect it to be at which is disappointing. I’m currently living for Colleen and Misty teaming up and kicking ass, so as long as I get my awesome ladies I can deal with manboychild and his manboychild pain. After like an episode and a half (I had left off with half an episode left) I decided I wanted to do some kitchen organizing since I bought a lot of groceries this week in preparation for making more meals during the week, but since I wasn’t using anything right away I wanted to make sure it didn’t go bad, and I also accidentally got a 3 pound thing of ground turkey instead of a 1 lb thing (the perils of grocery shopping online) so I wanted to use my food scale to separate that into 1 lb portions, stick them in ziplock freezer bags and freeze them. so I did that, then I wanted to do the same with the frozen chicken I had bought (one bag of chicken breasts and one bag of chicken thighs because I’m trying to shake it up a bit) so I measured those out to roughly 1 lb portions which worked out pretty well, I had a bit left over from each bag that put together made about 1 lb, so I can figure out some way to use that. But yeah, did that, then went on my computer for a bit before getting ready for bed and here I am. oh, I said I was gonna take about swearing in. so I got the final all clear email today regarding the character and fitness committee thing for the bar that got dragged out way too long because the one person who still works at DCFS legal and could verify my employment there 1L summer was now on maternity leave, so I had to frantically message the woman who ran the family law center my first year (who now coincidentally works for the DV legal clinic) since she had knowledge of my internship and ask if she’d email her verifying it, which she very graciously did and I am eternally grateful, lol. but all of that to say that since that’s cleared I was able to pay the $50 licensing fee (leave it to Illinois to squeeze yet some more money out of you for the privilege of getting to practice law) and one of the bosses said today that as soon as we pay that we can go over to the appellate court and get sworn in, so that could happen like, next week??? there’s still like the formal ceremony and everything in the beginning of November that my parents are coming out for but this would just let me be able to practice until then so that’s like super exciting!! and scary haha but mostly exciting. okay, it’s 12:29 am, clearly time for me to go to bed so I will be doing that now. Goodnight dearies. Happy Friday.

#daily journal #October 2018 #Rachel's lawyer adventures

0 notes

fangirlsince1988 · 7 years ago

Text

February was a hard month for me. A lot of stuff happened with family and with my personal life, and with that my mental health plumbed into a new low. I found it hard to get myself out of it. I struggled with getting motivated and to do the things I loved. I felt a bit like a zombie. Eat. Cry. Sleep. Repeat.

The anxiety was taking over me. I had a few panic attacks at home, which hasn’t happened for over 10 years. When I’m like this the first thing to go is my will to read. The only thing I can do, is to watch TV or Netflix. I think some time ago, I swapped my binge eating as a coping mechanism with binge watching TV. Binging on things isn’t the way to go, but I’m glad that I’m not eating my feelings away anymore. Instead, I use what I watch to get all my emotions out. I’m an emotional whore, so most of the time I just cry show after show, and I get so tired out that eventually I feel a weight of my shoulders. It works for me I guess.

I’m still not 100%, but at least I feel a bit more like myself again.

This has also made me realise that I wanted my blog to branch out into other areas. I was feeling quite restricted in what to write, which is never nice. With that I have revamped my blog header and social media accounts, adding Lifestyle and Travel into the mix of things. Hence, why I’m feeling more open to talk about how my mental health was a bit of a pain in the bum this month.

Anyway, let’s move on to what I still manage to do this month despite feeling like sh*t.

Read

Trafficked Girl by Zoe Patterson (Paperback)

Edge of Wild by D.K. Stone (Paperback)

Starfish by Akemi Dawn Bowman (Paperback)

The Rising Storm by Ceri A. Lowe (E-Book)

If last month my reading wasn’t perfect, this month was even worse. However, I still managed to be on track with my Goodreads Challenge. Once again, I haven’t manage to read any Beat The Backlist books. I do feel that I’m disapointing my fellow Book Bards here. However, I have promised myself that if I manage to finish my March TBR with time to spare I will be picking up a Backlist book first.

I haven’t wrote a review yet for The Cruel Prince but will have the review up this month. To Kill a Kingdom was published yesterday and it’s amazing so go get it!

Goodreads Challenge: 12/52

Beat the Backlist Challenge: 0/20

Watched

Finding Your Feet (Cinema)

Ghost Stories (Preview Cinema)

Tomb Raider (Cinema)

A Wrinkle in Time (Premiere)

I was very lucky to go to two Preview screenings this month. First, for Love, Simon which it was absolutely gorgeous. Secondly, for Red Sparrow, which was very different from what I was expecting but still very much enjoyable.

My absolutely favourite film this month was Black Panther. It totally exceeded expectations and it was freaking amazing. I’m planning on going to watch it again this month. #WakandaForever

Winchester wasn’t actually as bad as I expected. Or maybe it’s because I went with my two best friends. My Andreia is literally the worst at getting scared. 12 years of friendship and watching horror films with her is still one of my favourite things to do. She loves them films but she jumps and screams at everything. It’s hilarious! So basically I spent most of the film crying of laughter because of her.

Stacey Dooley Investigates: Second Chance Sex Offenders (BBC iPlayer)

Stacey Dooley Investigates: Russia’s War on Women (BBC iPlayer)

Stacey Dooley Investigates: Gypsy Kids Taken From Home (BBC iPlayer)

Stacey Dooley: Face to Face with Isis (BBC iPlayer)

Islam, Women and Me (BBC iPlayer)

Crossing Birmingham’s Invisible Boarders (BBC iPlayer)

Altered Carbon (Netflix) – All of Season 1

Queer Eye (Netflix) – All of Season 1

Living Differently (BBC iPlayer) – All of Series 3

Everything Sucks (Netflix) – All of Season 1

Inside No. 9 (BBC) – All of Season 2, 3 and 4

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) – Season 14 – Episodes 11 and 12

iZombie (The CW) – Season 4 – Episode 1

Scandal (ABC) – Season 7 – Episodes 10 and 11

Lucifer (FOX) – Season 3 – Episodes 14 and 15

Riverdale (The CW) – Season 2 – Episode 13

The Fosters (Freeform) – Season 5 – Episodes 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16

Chicago Fire (NBC) – Season 6 – Episode 11

Chicago PD (NBC) – Season 5 – Episode 14

Chicago Med (NBC) – Season 3 – Episodes 09 and 10

Blindspot (NBC) – Season 3 – Episode 12

Slasher (Netflix) – All of Season 2

Total Bellas (WWE Network) – All of Season 1

Seven Seconds (Netflix) – All of Season 1

Britannia (SKY Atlantic) – Season 1 – Episodes 04, 05 and 06

The Good Place (NBC) – Season 02 – Episodes 12 and 13

I’m happy that I’m finally all caught up with The Fosters, still can’t believe that this show is gonna end soon. It deals with so many real problems, it’s such a shame.

I have finished Inside No. 9. I really enjoyed some episodes more than others but overall is a good series. I still don’t know what to think of Britannia. I don’t think I like it but for some reason I want to keep watching it. Probably, will finish this first season and then if the second is a go I will think about it.

Have started to watch Total Bellas with the boyfriend, and I really like it. The Bellas are the best and my heart ached for Bryan and all he had to go through. We will definitely watch the second series.

Also watched Seven Seconds on Netflix, I thought it was quite good and deals with a lot of current issues. A great show for the fans of The Killing.

OMG! Queer Eye was absolutely amazing and got me in tears every single episode! What an amazing reboot! YAAAAS QUEEEN!

As you can see I watch a lot of Documentaries, that’s because most of the time I can watch it while doing housework or cooking, like a radio show. You can’t really do it with TV shows as you need to pay more attention.

Adventures

Cirque Berserk (Peacock Theatre) – For our seven year anniversary, me and the boyfriend decided last minute to get tickets for Cirque Berserk. It was absolutely fantastic and we had an amazing evening. Definitely something we will get tickets for again if their come back to London.

Hot Chocolate Tour – On my last wrap up post I told you that my friend Savan is a Content Creator. This month he wanted to do a Hot Chocolate Tour video for his YouTube Channel, and who better than me to help him out? I absolutely love Hot Chocolate! You can check the video now on his YouTube here (Make sure to subscribe too).

In the end, I still had an okay month. The highlight was definitely all the amazing books that publishers sent to me. I felt that I had a bit of joy arriving ever so often through the post.

Let’s hope in March things get better. I know I have some exciting things coming up and I can’t wait to share it with you.

Ah! Don’t forget to check out my Instagram over March, as I’m taking part of Harriet’s #ReadWomenMarch challenge.

Happy Readings!

*FangirlSince1988 xxx

March Wrap-Up February was a hard month for me. A lot of stuff happened with family and with my personal life, and with that my mental health plumbed into a new low.

0 notes

spotlightsaga · 8 years ago

Photo

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Baskets (S02E05) Fight @fxnetworks Airdate: February 16, 2017 Ratings: 0.463 Million / 0.19 18-49 Demo Share Score: 9.75/10

**********SPOILERS BELOW**********

I just summed up exactly how I felt immediately after watching this episode of ‘Baskets’ on the comment section of AV Club’s Vikram Murthi’s 'Fight’ review (who pretty much nails this episode btw). I wrote, “I love that 'Baskets’ puts me in this emotional cyclone of indecision… I don’t know whether to laugh or cry… So mostly I just well up and look confused.” That was my immediate thought, as soon as the end credits roll. I might need to medicate myself for this one, because I’m about to let you in to a dark time in my life… It’s funny that I’ve never really felt like I had anything in common with Dale, but in Chip’s search for himself in the start of S2 it really put me into reflection mode, looking back at a time in my life when I just threw myself recklessly into any experience I felt would give me something I didn’t already have. I was already smart, educated, but I needed real life experience and I needed to run off to find myself. It’s a painful memory, but it’s bittersweet too. I was just so lonely, so angry, and so confused.

Now Chip has returned from his emotional journey and he’s in an almost catatonic, hangover like state. He’s never been emotionally mature, and may never earn that title, but he’s a little closer than he was before. We must give him that. This comes at a time when Dale has lost everything. Dale sees that growth in Chip and even though Chip & Dale are far from the stars 'the other twins’ are… Dale is trying to gain a sense of himself back, he’s trying to let out all this emotion he’s been repressing and the slightest thing is going to set him off, one way or another… Because really he’s isn’t facing the issues, he’s just vibrating as much tension and chaos from his inner soul as much as he can… Even getting a tramp stamp tattoo of Florence & The Machine’s 'The Dog Days Are Over’, which he calls 'Florence Machine’ btw.

Back in 2011, I had a friend who was like a little sister to me. She was my little raver protege as I was still trying to hold on to my DJ & Event Production career. 2010 and 2011 were awful years for the state of Florida and directly effected the entire Southeast Region, the East Coast, and most of the US. Governor Rick Scott was pocketing money as he invited Pharmaceutical Companies to make Oxycodone and other Opiates by the loads. 2007 and up there was a 'doc shop’ on every corner and if you were in a car accident or anything, they’d send you to a bit of physical therapy and then pain management where they’d over-prescribe pretty much anything. I was in a few car accidents and messed up my back pretty bad, it’s still messed up today, several discs moved around pressing on places they shouldn’t be pressing and I was lonely here… And I allowed myself to be prescribed an ungodly amount of Oxy’s and a variety of meds. After several years of battling it out, I decided to wean and go clean, completely. I’m not going to lie to you, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I was a terror. and my demons were swirling around me… But I did get clean, a few mishaps, but I beat it. As corny as it sounds, just like Dale I’d put on 'Florence & The Machine’, 'Matt & Kim’, & other uplifting Indie Music that got the endorphins and chemicals my brain no longer knew how to make going and just go bananas.

Then that girl, my little protege, gave up her Ultra Music Festival Ticket that year, because she knew i needed it… Because she knew I needed the fucking soulful, shamanistic cleansing, all night power play of DANCE AND SWEAT AND SPIRITUAL HEALING, a $400 ticket… A week later she sent me a strange text… And then the next day her 'boyfriend’ called me and told me that she had passed, overdosed on a combination of Oxy, Xanax, Heroin, and Cocaine… And the fact she was diabetic didn’t help. He was so fucked up, he was laying right next to her and didn’t notice her convulsing and violently twitching, vomiting forwards until she choked on her own vomit. So when he woke up, there she was, purple and covered in vomit… Gone.

This was a reason to keep going I told myself. I couldn’t just throw away the progress so I wouldn’t have to feel this. It was a strange funeral because it was my first Jewish funeral. Because of her tattoos and bohemian lifestyle, she was unable to rest with her family. She was a baby, 19, but after the funeral I went back to the building where she died and met other people who she positively effected in her life. It was beautiful… Through this terrible tragedy came stories of life and love and hope. My mother called and I went into the high rise patio overlooking downtown Miami… We were so high up I could see all of Miami in its vast, sprawling, confusing, hodgepodge of a mega metropolis. I wanted to tell my mother that through this death I found light… But she had news for me right there, it couldn’t wait… I had to come to her home… Her sister, my aunt, who was also very much my sister… Something I cover in depth in my reviews of NBC’s 'This Is Us’ (particularly episode 'The Trip’), she had taken her own life with similar drugs that had just claimed my lil’ Miami sis, my little 'Fanch Queen’…. And now I had to immediately leave Miami to go face another loss across the nation. This time the light would fade for me. I would self-destruct in a manner like never before. But that story is for another day.

I share this, because as I watch 'Baskets’, we see Chip & Dale, who are twins, played by the same man, Zack Galifianakis, going through very different stages in their life, but meet each other at this weird transitional time in their life as if they are one, or the two halves that make one… Somehow never ever feeling complete. I have been in both of these transitional phases and dealt with them similarly. We see Chip & Dale fight each other and absolutely destroy Christine’s house while she’s out at Costco dealing with a frozen card issue because of the flag that was put on it from bailing Chip out of jail out of town. Sure, it’s hilarious and absurd, but I see a man wrestling with himself… Not two men going at it. Dale picks up portraits of his self as a child and smashes it shaming himself for failing. Chip & Dale will never be their adopted brothers, big International DJ stars… At their best, they find happiness in their sadness, content in a simple life of trial & error, and really they don’t need the glitz and glamour of international stardom, tho it would be nice. It would always be nice.

The house is destroyed, everything broken, including the toilet which had overflowed sewage all throughout the first floor and Christine’s prize cat, Ronald Reagan, escapes in the chaos. This sort of snaps them back into reality and they end up rolling through the neighborhood shouting, 'Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan!’ repeatedly. Chip asks Dale why they didn’t talk about Dad, which was quickly answered by Dale that it was a giant waste of time. Chip is ready to push on emotionally and tackle these issues and Dale just keeps screaming 'Ronald Reagan’ out of the window of the car. Eventually their search leads them to a small bridge of train tracks, one with great significance. This is the bridge that their father killed himself on. As things calm down and the realization of where they are sets in, Chip asks Dale if he ever comes there. Dale denies it. Then Chip asks if he believe what Christine had told them, that their father 'just fell off the bridge as he was admiring the river’s beauty’. Chip admits that he believed it for a time, in which Dale responds 'Well then you’re dumber than you look’.

This is the moment that brings its all home. Chip tells Dale that it’s ok to be angry, which at first he vehemently denies. “I’m not angry, Im just full of beans, so many goddamn beans.” Dale proceeded to repeatedly bang his head on the horn of the modest four door sedan and just emotionally breaks down, crying real tears. 'Emotionally Mature’ Chip has just helped his brother make a breakthrough. He IS angry, Dale admits that while Chip is going around the country spreading 'emotional diarrhea’ everywhere, that he’s at home doing business… As he’s felt like since Chip is the free spirit that he’s had to be the responsible one. Even more important, Dale admits he was worried about Chip while he was train spotting. At that very moment Ronald Reagan runs across the train tracks on the bridge, 'Ronald Reagan almost did what Daddy did’, Dale barks. Chip opens up a can of tennis balls which Reagan associates with canned tuna, or cat food and comes running to them like magic…. I keep remarking and reciting on lines, but this episode was just full of gems… “You’ve been a naughty boy, Ronald Reagan… Just like the guy he’s named after.” Perfect. Some amazing cinematography is caught in this moment, highlighting the emotional harmony that hasn’t been present for god knows how long, maybe never. Yeah, this was all absurdly funny, but it’s 'Basket’s signature move to also be absurdly human… Freakishly real to life in the most unconventional of ways.

They return home… As does Christine after a day of shopping and incredible luncheon with Martha… One where Christine and Martha trade compliments and in the most bizarre and captivating manner ever… These two are low-key, lo-fi stars. Christine is greeted with her two sons who have finally found the same page on each other’s book, but at the expense of her home, which is trashed and full of sewage. She looks around, drops her bags, and the credits roll. Holy shit, 'Baskets’ has done it again, pushed the envelope even further. Like I said when I started this incredibly long winded review…. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, but I’m definitely emotionally exhausted. Christine, life has given you some lemons, can you keep making lemonade?

0 notes