#i was off yesterday and NOTHING got done
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I really do wonder what the fuck my boss actually does.
Cause it certainly isn't his job.
#i was off yesterday and NOTHING got done#like guy you're the store manager#try managing the store for once#we have a huge framing order due and one of thr framers was here at 5am#she was like yeah Boss said you'd both be here at 5#and i was like... he always says that and shows up at 7
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They don’t tell you that 90% of drawing comics is staring at a blank panel and thinking until your brain overheats
#I’ve done nothing but work on this comic in my free time for the past few days#and so much of it is just. staring. at the page.#my coworkers asked what I was up to on my days off and like 😭#I was drawing little pictures lads#or thinking very hard about drawing pictures#that is quite literally all I do#anyway I spent al day on one page and it isn’t done yet lol#but I got two done yesterday !!#and I have two or three more left to storyboard#yippeee#txt
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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what is UP everyone I just finished my very first one-shot fic EVER!!
#is my homework done NO#did I go to the studio today NO#but yesterday I got to bed 45 minutes earlier than I have been (oh glorious Sleep highly recommend) and today I was POSSESSED#with the spirit of Shigeo Kageyama's mother#I kid you not: I came up with this fanfic idea at 12:15 last night right as I drifted off to sleep#and I got up ate breakfast and banged this whole fanfic out in 4 hours. what HAPPENED to me man#me???? FINISHING a fic??? in ONE GO????#MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK (APPARENTLY)#my homework will be fine btw#I am using the remaining time in my day (since I'm not going to the studio... sigh... I do feel bad about that actually)#to Clean My Room and get up to speed on my russian fairy tales class#nothing is due tonight anyway and having a clean room will put me in a better headspace to do more schoolwork next week!#MP100 happened to me...... Category 7 MP100 Moment
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#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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You are very strong for helping the chicken when there was nothing else you could do. Also there is a certain level of realism I feel that can potentially be too much.
Oh yeah totally, i hope bily is the right balance of like "can't keep watching, can't look away" kind of macabre you know.
#i know there was nothing else to be done#but i kinda hate that i had to do it like#just yesterday i was laughing when she was eating the tomatos off of the floor in the garden#she crouched down when i walked passed to get some pets because she loved to be pet#right before i killed her she was looking at me and cooing and i could kinda tell#that she was saying that she loved me and that she understood#she let me pet her all the time and liked it#last night after i tried to soak away the infection i blow dried her because she started shaking pretty immediately#and she closed her eyes and just made that little cooing noise again and was like 'wow this feels good'#i'm happy i gave her another moment of feeling good#she had a good life#she got to roam and be happy for her whole life
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neurotypicals are so frustrating,, i keep forgetting that "can you do x" means "go do x"
#yesterday i was At Work#i opened alone (we are so fucking understaffed)#at like 945 (coworker came in at 10) these two women-#who until now have done NOTHING managery. they have walked around and talked to each other and asked questions#come up and in a pissy voice like um why hasn't group started#i say i'm the only one back here#'well can't you start ONE group?'#no...im the only one back here#'can you start individuals?' yeah i'll ask [host lead]#(annoyed voice) 'um why do you have to ask her?' because i'm not a lead so she's in charge?#(angry voice) well WE are GENERAL MANAGERS and we are TELLING YOU to do SOMETHING like START INDIVIDUALS#like. chill i am literally just some guy and i am the only guy back here#i also feel its worth noting that apparently since they caught me in the hallway they assumed i hadn't been doing anything#when in reality i hadnt sat down since i got to work. all i did was doing things. there is more to my job than Watch Dogs. especially when#im the only guy doing any of the anything#and i couldnt start individuals immediately because i had to do spot cleans. because i prioritized Not Letting Dogs Sit In Their Own Shit#before dog getting some playtime#like. yes i am a Lower Level Employee. yes i havent worked here that long. but i have worked here longer than you#and im gonna take a wild guess that i care about the dogs more than you#also worth noting that i got no breaks that day (if you work a 6+ hour shift you get a 30 and a 15 at my work)#so i sat down for a total of 5 minutes and that was to take a piss#for context. i worked 7 hours. 6:15am to 1:15pm.#so i have a Bad Feeling about these new general managers. really hope im wrong and this is a one-off thing but. ohhhhh boy
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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Today's brainrot is Lena in the veil of time and watching her friends and family live their lives,,, sometimes pretending she was right alongside them if only to feel like she belonged to something. Responding and ignoring the way that they'd ignore her, walk right through her. Beg them to see her, beg them to acknowledge that she existed,,, yeah.
#( ooc. )#i miss her!!! i miss being here!!!#listen when she got angry enough she could occasionally move things but it would be nothing more than shoving something to the ground#which would usually be chalked up to wind or smth#which would piss her off even more but what can she do about it ( nothin !!! )#im gonan try to get some writing done today i think#i accidentally blanked out and wrote 5k words for a project yesterday so the juice is there
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freaking it on the living room floor twitching dead cockroach style. Amen.
#eeeuuuughhhhh#im in a better and more stable position now but am totally unable to help anyone.#im just letting people stay here when they need it really. its all i can do for people right now.#maybe i should start charginh people for staying here. but people who have to come here got nothing.#don't really want to anyway. just saying. it'd benifit my survival and stuff.#there is the odd generous donation here and there from folks. very appreciated.#power's been getting cut out every odd couple of days now and then due to heavy snowfall. roads iced. cars snowed in. yup. sigh...#uuuuuuueeeghhhhgggg#came down with a predictable seasonal illness as per every december so i dont feel too bad not getting things done.#i haven't really done much this month. dont get off the couch often and sleep through most the day. old hibernating instincts i guess.#still it's been a long month. and im really no better off today then i was yesterday. or a month ago.#surprisingly kept up with chores this month. feeling pretty good on that front. all except laundry. and hygiene. im like a moldy potato ha!#it's not actually that funny. especially for the potato. real sad and shriveled looking potato...#other than the general state of things everything's alright. nothing i should really be complaining about.#hexacles.txt
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had to lay down. woke up at nearly 7am. got overwhelmed by our sleep schedule once again being fucked because yesterday we actually went to bed at roughly the right time and thought "oh this is great we've fixed it". decided that we're just gonna deal with it and it'll be fine. and then our brain decided that no actually we're gonna have a combination of emotions that's maybe gonna give me another breakdown if I can't figure out how to deal with them but I have no fucking clue what to do with them
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I fucking hate this. we barely did anything yesterday because we were too fatigued and then slept at a weird time#and we're still too fatigued to do much and we need to do the stuff we'd normally do before bed#and by the time we've done that we'll probably need to nap because we will feel so much worse if we don't#and I don't want to have to try and fit my whole day around trying to fix my sleep schedule but once again what else do I fucking do#and the whole last month has been like this over and over and it's because we got covid in February and have been way more fatigued#so we have to keep laying down and when we do that we just pass the fuck out#also waking up at like 7am (shortly before what should be our bedtime) leads to us feeling really sick#the way we used to feel when we had to get up early for college. like our body can't handle it and makes us feel like shit#and to top it all off the emotional shit I'm dealing with has nothing to do with this and it just another overwhelming thing on top of it#dysphoria and homesickness my fucking beloathed#I just want to be awake at the right time and have a nice stress free day and feel relaxed for once#like we keep trying to take time to relax and set aside time to do something fun and relieve some stress#and we still end up just as stressed and when we decided to spend a whole day just trying to relax we just ended up even more anxious#I'm so fucking tired. just let me sleep at the right time. just let me fucking relax for once in my life
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I'm doing soooo amazing (weeping) like so great and cool (crying) feeling amazing (sleep deprived)
I finally got a load of dishes done though. This, at least, is worth celebrating.
#speculation nation#ive been putting dishes off for weeeeeks#it's better off without a before pic bc y'all dont wanna see what was in my sink before 😐#i will have clean bowls. and silverware. 🥺#i ate cold chef boyardee straight from the can this morning#bc i had no clean bowls and nothing i could possibly use instead. all tupperware used. all microwavable mugs and cups that would fit it#all plates with enough of a lip to hold canned pasta. all plates in general tbh aside from a few tiny plates.#so i ate it straight from the can and u cant microwave a can so i just ate it cold.#not my most dignified moment to be sure. but also not the lowest ive ever gone lmao#Still Pretty Low Tho#but yeah ill have clean dishes. and ill do a 2nd load tomorrow.#im gonna clean up the clutter from my floors. and try to confront the Clothes Problem....#i dont want to try mopping until after the showing if it happens bc im not gonna have random ppl dirtying my clean floors.#bc they WILL just wear their damn shoes inside bc this is america and no one has any fucking manners here.#but whatever. im gonna get my apartment approximately presentable. at least enough so im not mortified by it.#just bc im mental illness squatting here doesnt mean i want ppl to SEE it#thank god i got the worst things done yesterday tho. and today with the dishes.#remaining stuff is mostly just tidying. rather than going through The Horrors lol#sigh. im accomplishing things. unfortunately...#gonna go to bed soon. gotta be up nice and early for more cleaning! :D 😭
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After making it over the biggest work hurdle of the semester I might maybe possibly can see the light at the end of the tunnel so idk maybe I will check in here more often again
The distance has been nice. I might reread acotar since it’s been almost two years since ive read any of them? And I refuse to let this fandom ruin them for me.
I also bought three plants today and I love them
#blog things#I worked 13 hours yesterday#but I got so much done#so I can take this week off#I have zero clue what has happened in the fandom#in the last two months#I suspect nothing new#it’s a nice feeling to not know and/or care#also it’s my birthday#and I do what I want to
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i think i should be awarded for how i was able to keep my cool and not do anything to the concrete labs lady tody
#FORTUNATELY i don't have to see her for a whole week until the lecture on Tuesday<33 and that still will be on afar#from afar*#but next wednesday there are gonna be labs again and istg if she starts the same clownery again im gonna explode#nothing pisses mw off more when people who do bare minimum are awarded for their effort meanwhile me who wasted my free time on this shit#gets yelled at instead#okay i wasn't yelled but she threatened that she wouldn't accept this particular experiment as completed for 3/4 of our group#WHILE WE ALL WORKED OUR ASSES OFF SO IT'D ALL BE DONE CORRECTLY#but the praise went only to the two people who were responsible for noting down the numbers for our group#not to mention i studied for these labs yesterday at home 🫠 especially so situation like this would be avoided#but NO becase the results were noted down on one paper (we were planning to rewrite it to our own notebooks later)#and she was dissatisfied with our work because of that and couldn't note down that we completed the exercise#aside from the girlie on whose paper we were noting down the results and the one who was sitting next to her and copying them on her paper#this was actually the second time i got pissed today but that previous time didn't end badly for me so it's alright overall#i mean people who didn't do shit in our group were equally praised but there's no point in getting mad over that#the important thing is that i didn't fail and my efforts yesterday at home didn't go to waste#but 10h at school are double tiring because of shit like that
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#some reflections on 2022 as a year bc im bored and tired mostly prob bc my hormones r fucked up#ill b real. it was not a great one. not the worst i guess. that award goes to 2016 when i was a junior in undergrad and i was spiraling#and i did kno y it was happening so it was scary. now at least i kno why mostly but i think ive experienced the most soul rattling cosmic#despair in this year just bc i pushed and pushed to the point of destruction and i mean i have a history of doing that but i never wanted#to like quit before like as in fucking quit my job and just fucking break things. its weird. and ive got that panic feeling now#its the same one i get when ive been in therapy for a while and nothings helping. and i keep thinking: help me help me someone make this#stop bc i dont want to b like this anymore and i dont kno what to do. bc i was hoping a break would heal me and that would b enough but#the fears been creaping in the past few days bc deadlines and projects snd i havent done anything i need to and i still just want to give#up. ugh. im probably just feeling melodramatic bc i overextended socially yesterday. but idk what to do. hope for a better year i guess#at least i kno i wont b living where i am in 8 to 10 months. so change is coming but things r still up in the air#and i mean 2023 wont b off to a great start bc i have to go to lunch with my grandparents and i dont want to#why? bc i think theyre bad ppl. and itll just b me. and i dont kno for how long ill b there.#my last day home and i have to spend time with them. i shoulf b working on a manuscript. i should b doing that now#but instead im laying here trying not to cry. i just wanna go to sleep. less than 48hrs and ill b back to the desert#feeling a little better maybe but idk all is not well#so yea hopefully 2023 will b a bit better#unrelated
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