#i was just thinking bc of that last ask i have gone cold turkey on mishaposting before. 2015 was a dark time

[bedlund]

historians should spend more time researching major supernatural fandom extinction events

[faellschtizz]

Getting Unstuck

I’m back after a long time, as evident by me posting maybe half an hour ago.

I’ve move slightly towards embracing my gender, which itself is still a bit beyond my understanding. To recap, in 2019 I figured out than being a man is making me completely fucking miserable and instantly started to self id as a woman. That lead inot a great depression when I figured out it ain’t as easy as calling my psychiatrist and asking for hormones. I’ve come out to friends in next months and dropped out of masters studies bc of the stress and mental health being nuked. I’ve met my now boyfriend at a trans meetup, got a job again and moved in iwith him. Then, time started passing and things didn’t change much, if at all.

At first a year was gone due to covid. I was supposed to have my first gender psychologist appointment on the day the lockdown started and had to wait almost another year. The psychiatrist send me to the psychologist, who at first I was FtM, shich made me happy. Again due to covid, the clinic was temporarily using the spaces of an addiction clinic, which the psychologist used as an excuse to get me tested (I did tell her I was using weed but she still wanted the test). Bc I was positive, like I told her I’m gonna be, she decided to stop my evaluation mid session and told me get clean.

I didn’t, that was too much. So I’ve put transition on a side track and tried to lvie on. My list was come out to parents (I’ve wrote about how it went with dad already), upgrade my job or at least make progress on my masters, and try to figure out if transitioning would trully help me.

Thus, I’ve lost next 3 and a half years to fear, froze completely, only degraded my relationship with family and my mental health slowly eroded as I started smoking more and more weed.

Finally, something happened this year. One of my smoking buddies had to quit weed to get a new job and he managed with only slightly terrible replacement. Another was forced to confornt his demons after almost giving up on living. And my bf gave an ultimatum to do something. These are all events worth their own stories, but I’m not going on another tangent here.

So, I had a window to try and change some habits. I wrote to the gender spychologist, who told me she’s ok with me transition as long as I’m clean over email (let’s ignore she never actually finished my evaluation). She also sent me to the gender psychiatrist, who said he’s gonna let me pass is I pass a drug test.

While I don’t quite understand that, it finally gave me the motivation to go off weed, now it’s been over 3 weeks. I think I should be clean next week when I’m meeting him next. After my last appointment I told my parents I’m transitioning. Wasn’t much of a coming out, mostly just straight up told them I’m gonna get on HRT and that I’m using a new name and pronouns she/her now. They tried to push me back into the closet first and then told me how unexpected that was.

In conclusion on this extra long wall of text, I got a couple of steps further towards starting HRT, came out to parents fully, and quit using weed cold turkey, motly bc my bf wanted me to do something. Now I’m happier, way more productive and completely hyperactive all the time. I’m so tired from overworking myself, overwalking the dog and overdoing the dishes. And today, the previous post happened.

I don’t know if I’m able to cope with it all much longer. I’m tired but cannot rest, I’m doing all I can but get little support back.

[aurumacadicus]

if you’re still doing the 5canon can you do an a/b/o winteriron au?

your writing is M I N D B L O W I N G and i have read so many of your stories like a million times (esp ones that have to do with acearo bc that’s how i see myself :))

Thank you! I’m glad you can find joy in my fic!

This is the last one! Thank you everyone for participating and sorry if I didn’t use yours!

For the sake of this AU, everyone is a werewolf, but alphas are the only ones who can shift into huge Van Helsing-esque forms. Betas can do it on a smaller scale, but omegas can only shift between human and wolf forms. (In theory this is so they can better hide with their pups while the alpha proteccs but some alphas are assholes about it.)

Bucky meets Tony after slamming him across a meadow. Okay! To be fair, Bucky had not meant to take him out. He had just been getting used to the new arm a witch had magicked for him, but he’d misjudged a step trying to come down the side of the mountain he’d had to climb to get it, and promptly gone ass-over-teakettle. Inexperienced with the new weight, he hadn’t been able to stop himself before the momentum got the better of him, and he was pretty resigned to just rolling down until he hit something that stopped him so he could get up and try again. That thing had been Tony. “WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE,” Tony shouts once he’s able to sit up straight. “I’m sorry,” Bucky wheezes. Tony tries to get to his feet to continue yelling at him, yelps when he finds his leg can’t bear weight, and decides he can continue yelling from the ground. “Of course you’re an alpha! All alphas are idiots! Did you just break my fucking leg with your leg?! When this heals, I’m gonna kick your ass!” “I’m sorry,” Bucky wheezes again. Tony looks around, reaches out to grab a stick, then turns and flings it at him, barking out another angry, “Asshole!” “Ow,” Bucky mutters when the stick bounces off of his head. “Ow!? I’ll fucking show you ow!” Tony shouts. Anyway, Tony’s injured, so Bucky carries him down the mountain to his den, and then when he discovers that Tony has no pack, he has to take responsibility and hunt for him and guard his den. “I don’t need your help,” Tony spits when Bucky drops a wild turkey beside him. “Then starve,” Bucky says, and tries not to radiate too much smugness when Tony petulantly begins eating. He supposes he should be grateful for what happened; in taking care of Tony, he gets plenty of practice shifting, running, and hunting with his new arm. So when Tony is healed and proves it by chasing him off, he doesn’t give Tony the satisfaction of falling ass over teakettle again.

Bucky tries not to worry. There haven’t been any lone alphas sniffing around Avengers territory for months, and Tony is fierce when he’s not injured, so he can definitely take care of himself. Still, he can’t help thinking about him. Tony is... very becoming, for an acid-tongued little thing. Sharp, cunning brown eyes, dark hair that fell in soft curls after he bathed, and the lean muscles that all omegas seemed to have. And Bucky... he does have a type. And his type are sassy little spitfires. “So court him?” Steve suggests lazily as he chops some wood. “Winter’s coming. Offer him pack safety for the winter and then woo him while he’s snowed in with us.” “You’re suggesting Stockholm syndrome, Steve,” Sam deadpans. Steve raises an eyebrow at him. “You’re the one who said close quarters in winter months brings couples together.” “We knew each other well before then, you fucking dumbass,” Sam sighs, rolling his eyes. “And we already liked each other.” “That mean we can expect a pup from you two next summer?” Bucky asks, and then laughs when they both start throwing logs at him. Still, he can’t help but think of Tony all alone, because the signs are pointing toward a long, cold winter, and Tony is fairly new in the territory, so he figures it wouldn’t be improper to extend an invitation to him. “Why, so you can break my leg again?” Tony asks warily when Bucky shows up. “It wasn’t on fucking purpose,” Bucky sighs, frustrated. “Well, it has been a little chilly lately,” Tony sniffs, and then packs all of his belongings into a small bundle, and allows Bucky to lead him into Avengers territory, to the wood lodge they’ve built to house them during the blizzards. “Ew,” Tony whispers, sneering at it. Luckily, he’s already crawling around shoring up holes and fixing the roof so the snow will more easily slide off of it before anyone can be offended. “He’s too smart for you,” Natasha comments. “Yeah,” Bucky agrees, smitten, as he watches Tony disappear under the eaves to do something he doesn’t understand.

For all that Tony is a sassy little shit, he’s also clearly touch-starved, and it makes the pack (and Bucky especially) wonder where Tony’s family is. But Bucky’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth and ask, because everyone else is already coupled off and it leaves him alone to cuddle Tony in front of the fireplace. Tony curls up against him so nicely, all small and warm, and he only growls a little when Bucky leans down and scents him, and his growls are more confused than aggressive. Bucky wonders if his attraction is one-sided until one night, after the rest of the pack has drifted off, and he’s well on his way to falling asleep himself, when he feels Tony carefully nosing at his throat. He jerks back into full awareness immediately and can’t help his arm curling around Tony’s waist with a low growl, tugging him closer. “Shh,” Tony whispers sharply. Bucky blinks at him, bewildered, before he quietly replies, “Why???” “We’ll get in trouble,” Tony insists. Bucky blinks at him a little longer, then sets up so he can give Tony the benefit of seeing his confused frown in its entirety. “Why do you think we’ll get in trouble?” Tony frowns back at him, brows furrowing together. “Because... Because your pack already has a mated alpha and omega?” “Yeah, but that’s just Steve and Sam,” Bucky scoffs, but when Tony continues to look confused, he pauses. “...Was your pack only allowed one mating pair, Tony?” Tony says nothing, which is answer enough. “Oh.” Bucky suddenly feels very sorry for him. That was a rule mostly among nuclear families, which made sense--parents were the mated pair, and children who wanted to mate went off and found their own territories. Only a few non-nuclear packs followed that rule, and it mostly doomed the entire pack to failure with infighting to be able to be the mated pair. No wonder Tony had been alone, and accepted his attention without offering his own in front of an audience; he wanted it, but was afraid to be chased off by Steve or Sam. “We’ll ask Steve and Sam tomorrow to set your mind at ease,” Bucky promises, snuffling into Tony’s hair. “Steve will be pleased. You’ll see.” “Okay,” Tony agrees hesitantly, sounding like he doesn’t believe him at all.

“I bet I’ll get my mate pregnant before you can,” Steve says immediately when Bucky casually brings up mating with Tony. “Oh my God,” Tony chokes out as Sam immediately kicks the door to the lodge opens and chucks Steve outside into the snow ‘to cool off.’ Bucky blanches when Sam whips around to threaten to throw him out too, hurriedly explaining, “I wanted to show Tony we allowed multiple mating pairs Sam please don’t throw me out into the snow.” Tony stands in front of Bucky protectively, scowling. “You can’t throw him out there! His arm will get cold, and it’ll take forever to warm it up again, and it’ll lower his core temperature!” “I guess that makes sense, but he’s still on thin fucking ice, because he knows Steve is a competitive asshole and has been gloating about getting a mate first,” Sam grumbles. “Of course Steve would make this into a competition too.” With the assurance that he will not be kicked from the pack, Tony opens up more. Apparently, the reason he’d kept everyone at arm’s length was because he thought they’d allowed him in for the winter out of pity, but they’d force him out again with the thaw. Now that he knows it’s not true, he’ll cuddle with anyone who curls up in front of the fireplace first, much to Bucky’s delight and chagrin. “Oh, this has awakened something in me,” Steve says grimly when he and Bucky find Sam and Tony curled up in front of the fire together, letting out adorable little noises as they sleep. “I actually want pups. I want them to curl up with Sam in front of the fire. Oh God damn it he’s going to throw me back out into the snow if I bring it up because he’ll think I think it’s a competition still.” “We’ll have towels ready for you,” Natasha deadpans.

The next morning finds Sam and Tony engaged in fisticuffs outside. “God, is this how you feel when I get into fights,” Steve sighs tiredly. Bucky claps him on the shoulder. “Worse, usually, because you make a habit out of getting into fights.” “Oh they’re fighting for fucking keeps,” Clint comments when they notice blood in the snow. “I’m not stepping into that.” Steve and Bucky squawk and rush outside to grab their omegas and pull them away from each other. “Bucky, you have to fuck me right now,” Tony says frantically. “And every day until it takes!” Bucky stares at him, aghast, and nearly drops Tony on his ass. “You are saying words that I understand in theory.” “Fuck all you want, I’m still having the first pup!” Sam snarls at them. “What is happening,” Steve asks, bewildered. “We’re having the first pup!” Sam and Tony snarl at Steve and Bucky, respectively. “Can we talk about this?” Bucky asks Tony desperately. “No, we have to get started now, Sam and Steve have a head start on us!” Tony exclaims, frowning up at him. Natasha shields her eyes from the sun to peer at their surroundings. “Looks like the snow’s stopped for a while. I’m gonna go get Bruce and Thor.” “I’m gonna go with her and take bets,” Clint declares. “Open the windows so it doesn’t stink of sex when we get back.” “Why are you supporting this,” Steve chokes out as they shift to leave. “I want nieces and nephews to dote on,” Natasha replies solemnly, then bounds off across the glen and disappears into the trees. ”I live for your stupidity,” Clint adds before he follows her. “Steve, come on, hurry up!” Sam whines. Steve scowls down at him. “Because ‘we need to pop out a baby before Bucky and Tony’ is so sexy.” “I’ll let you eat me out,” Sam offers, and grins triumphantly when Steve slings him over his shoulder to rush inside. Tony stares after them, looking uncertain, before hesitantly looking back at Bucky. “Would you... um...” “Honey you’re gonna be bouncing between sitting on my knot and sitting on my face and you are not gonna sit anywhere else until you’re knocked up,” Bucky assures him, slinging him over his shoulder as well. Steve and Bucky take a moment once they get inside to glare at each other before they carry their omegas to their respective areas and drop the door coverings.

Bonus: Sam and Tony go into labor on the exact same goddamn day. “This is the best day of my life,” Natasha breathes as Thor ushers everyone out so Bruce can tend to the two omegas. “I hope they both get named after me.” “Get out you idiots. You’re just gonna stress them out because you don’t know how birthing goes,” Thor snarls at Steve and Bucky when they both try and get around him, then picks them both up and bodily heaves them out the door.

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 79

[Date: 15/03, 6:49 PM - 7:30 PM GMT]

Maxwell: “hey you guys?

I was wondering if i could ask y'all for advice”

Gyuteinnit: “What's up?”

Maxwell: “do any of y'all know a good way to get rid of headache

I woke up this morning to one and it hasn't gone away yet”

Gyuteinnit: “Try a cold pack and don't be online as much and just try to get away from the screen also possibly sleep if you can”

Maxwell: “Yeah I had been doing that mainly”

fetch: “Warm rag over the eyes and lay down, maybe shut off the lights

thats how mona helped me with mine anyway”

Gyuteinnit: “That also helps”

Maxwell: “hm....”

fetch: “You also just might need to eat or drink something”

Maxwell: “hopefully it does I havent had a headache this bad in a while

usually it goes away after i take a tylenol but its been hours now”

emuhlee: “that's not good”

Maxwell: “ey its

just a headache

itll go away eventually

i just hope sooner rather then later ha...”

emuhlee: “hopefully!”

dreaming: “if it persists you should look into it..

further”

Maxwell: “might be a little hard

not many doctors are accepting of hybrids...”

dreaming: “that sucks, hopefully you can find one..”

Maxwell: “i should be good...i might look up what type of headache it could be that might help with figuring out what caused it”

dreaming: “yeah!”

Maxwell: “it might be a tension one....i cant tell though

its not really near my forehead

more so right above my ears and then around the back”

dreaming: “that.. considering some stuff doesn't sound good...

i don't want to make you scared or anything but..”

Maxwell: “reminds me of when i used to wear a headband or something and it would be sore after ha

scared?”

fetch: “You prolly just slept on your head wrong lmao

I wake up in messed up positions all the time”

Maxwell: “yeah....what was it you were gonna say dreaming?

What?

Is something wrong?”

emuhlee: “i can't speak for them, but what i understood, is they might be a bit worried about syd's new.. headpiece.. and how it uh.. came to be.. and then, uh. you now having a headache..”

jaynoblade: “...yeah that's what i was thinking as well”

Maxwell: “....what...

no no no its not”

Mothbo: “I'd suggest staying away from Baroness/interacting with her until we get more info.”

Maxwell: “it cant be

im fine

ive jsut been sleeping on the floor so much thats it”

fetch: “yall I'm pretty sure we'd know if max had vines growing out of his head”

Maxwell: “yeah”

Mothbo: “To be fair we didn't see Syd's coming either.”

Maxwell: “id notice it when i shower or brush my hair”

Marcus: “Hey hey hey, max it’s okay”

emuhlee: “i think it's just a headache, but it's probably something we should keep in mind”

jaynoblade: “i saw what was happening to syd. none of us knew it was anything more than a headache until it... happened”

fetch: “can we talk about something else. you're just scaring him.”

Mothbo: “It will be okay, Max. I doubt it's the same thing. Try to rest and take headache meds.

Yes lets”

Marcus: “You probably slept on the floor wrong”

jaynoblade: “yeah good idea”

Marcus: “My arm is kind of numb maybe you laid on it?

Made your head sore”

fetch: “oh yeah I caught yall nappin on the floor earlier >:P”

Maxwell: “jus the idea of that happening to me....ugh....watching it happen was bad enough

yeah i....was a little tired earlier

tried to nap to get rid of the headache”

fetch: “farming awwws”

Marcus: “..you weren’t sleeping well last night

Maybe it was that too

Tossing and turning, not getting enough sleep can give you a headache too”

Maxwell: “Maybe...”

emuhlee: “Most signs point to it having to do with your sleep, so i think everything is okay, just a normal headache”

jaynoblade: “i typically find that when i get a headache, drinking a ton of water helps bc i tend to forget and then i get dehydrated"

Maxwell: “True”

Marcus: “We’ll get you some food and water just to make sure it’s not those and then we can do something low energy until you either nap or it goes away on it’s own”

Maxwell: “Could be my teeth too...”

fetch: “Yeah, you're part rat right? Their teeth grow pretty fast don't they”

emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”

Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”

[emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”]

Maxwell: “No Mona likes it but I can’t stand the smell, makes me kind of sick”

emuhlee: “not even soda or chocolate? those have caffeine too”

Mothbo: “Tea and energy drinks too”

Maxwell: “I like chocolate but I haven’t had it for a while I’ve mostly been drinking water and milk”

[Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”]

Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”

fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”

[Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”]

Maxwell: “Anything like wood or something would work”

Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”

[fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”]

Maxwell: “That....might be helpful thank you my last one broke a while back”

[Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”]

Maxwell: “Honestly no as long as it isn’t dirty and won’t give me splinters it’s good”

Marcus: “Okay so we get some from out there, maybe take the bark off and wash them?”

Maxwell: “Sure as long as it doesn’t break super easily”

Marcus: “Okay! I’ll go look around the backyard”

[dreaming: “have you done anything like that recently?..”]

Maxwell: “I don’t like energy drinks or such or sweets...

Hey jack...”

Jack: “hey Max!

honestly i had a pretty bad headache a few days back and it turned out i was just dehydrated.

make sure you drink plenty of water :)”

jaynoblade: “dehydration my abhorred”

Maxwell: “I’ll try”

Jack: “yeah i had like two glasses of cold water and was fine

staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”

Marcus: “Okay I got some, I’ll go clean them up and bring you some food and water

And request for food max?”

[Jack: “staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”]

Maxwell: “I still gotta ask her about that note though....”

Jack: “Even if it's completely unrelated. better safe than sorry. someone else can always ask for you!”

kate: “We can ask my man”

Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”

Jack: “coconut water is rad for dehydration, if you're into that sort of thing.

[Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”]

Marcus: “Okay! How about some fruits? Strawberries and watermelon boost electrolytes and that’ll help with dehydration too”

Maxwell: “I’ve always liked watermelons....”

Marcus: “Okay I’ll be right back. How do you feel about turkey and cheese sandwiches?

You need some protein”

Maxwell: “Maybe not Turkey but I like cheese....”

[Marcus: “You need some protein”]

Maxwell: “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean”

Marcus: “Okay cheese it is but I’m getting you to eat protein at some point

I’ll be right back okay?”

Maxwell: “Course”

Marcus: “I’ll just be in the kitchen if you need me”

Maxwell: “Got it”

[renaer-is-allegedly-hot]

session 19

Session 19 Sunday, April 25, 2021 7:47 PM

- I'm cold :[ the window is open - Last week on dnd: we went to a place mirt tipped us abt; activity around stone in castle ward o Explored a bunch of rooms and snuck around o Got to arena w prisoners made to fight, came across vats filled w dead beholders o Cel theo and adam discover the kitchenso Asyna and aerana went upstairs hearing commotion not knowing from where - Adam was instructed to head down the hallway to the left and go upstairs, pass through the meeting room and go through first door to right o Currently on lower level, heading towards noisy area - Adam kachunk kachunk kachunks up the stairs o Cel is slightly concerned abt adam's trolley driving ability, theo is holding onto the trolley for dear life bc adam cannot push this cart - Confronted w wall of noise, music o Passes through open door and sees two mess tables, full of diverse set of ppl generally looking shabby/down on their luck o They look mean and shifty but they're having a good time rn o Someone in corner sees adam with the cart ■ "looks at you and says" *dom waves, not saying a word* ■ Adam goes toward person and sees staircase ■ It is a human w a shaved head and an eye tattoo on the back of his head like the motifs in the dungeon ■ "when's my order coming sir" □ "sorry sir we're a little backlogged rn and I'm not your waiter if u tell me who ur waiter is I can find them n give u an update" □ Man sighs n grumbles bc they're v hungry ◆ Adam offers one appetizer to them; one big whole crab ◆ The ppl lean back and look at adam ◆ "just don't tell the chef," adam says, then trolleys away, full steam ahead - Confronted w sheer staircase, no ramp o Adam is gonna try to pull it up, strength check ■ Rolls a 7 ■ Halflings must make stealth check □ Pass without a trace thing is still active ◆ Theo rolls 21 ◆ Cel rolls 34 o Adam can get them up a couple of steps, but after a bit of trying some of the ppl at the party r just . Looking at adam■ "is there a . Strong dude . Just sitting down anywhere"□ "that dude and a couple of the guys" the crab ppl□ They stand up and start heading over to adam◆ "hello friends ! Did you like the crab?"◊ Human guy, half-orc woman, two dwarves w pleated beards► Human : " you want a . Hand ?"- Adam says he's feeding royaltyo The four of them get around the cart and hoist it up the stairs

o Cel's internal screaming gets loudero "I'd just like to thank you guys so much for helping me out"■ Adam winks at one of the dwarves, but why?- Top of the stairs, 150 feet hallway that starts to curve towards endo In front and to right, set of double doors followed by another doorwayo Also a set of double doors to far left and one perpendicular from thato Tl;dr: Facing three doors and one at the end of the hallo Adam is going to follow the directions, sees a passageway as he walkso Lots of ornate carving in the door, door carved to look like a piece of funguso Adam rolls perception, 6■ Doesn't see any other door but hears talking behind this one■ Hears ppl clapping and cheering; otherwise just hears deep booming voice that's difficult to make out- Adam bends down to cart and pokes head insideo "so we're here" adamo "thank god" theoo Left are snails, whole turkey, blueberry pie on carto Plan is to go inside, give them food, grab lord silgaro Cel asks if adam wants fake lord silgar now or later■ Adam puts fake lord silgar on head and pulls chef's hat over■ Except nvm■ He can't do that so uses empty crab dish instead□ Remembers where he puts it to avoid giving fake lord silgar out- Adam opens door and starts wheeling cart ino Theo n cel holding hands- Meanwhile !!- Asyna and aerana just finished going up spiraling staircase stealthilyo Poke heads around corner, notice passageway moving forward {straight) and one offshoot to right, further down there are two more branching pathso Aerana rolls 19 perception■ Can hear some ppl chatting■ Aerana can understand undercommon□ Ppl arguing, that there's no ghost "you're a moron if you think you saw a ghost" "no I'm not gonna check"□ They sound wet, dom says, and lillian and marguerite stare me down :{■ One thinks they saw the ghost, hear them to our righto Naya turns in circles then walks into wall■ Goes behind■ 17 investigation check□ No buttons on wall□ Nothing on the floor□ Nothing on the ceiling, no eye things; down 50ish feet can see an ornately carved door, looks drow-related w spider motifso Not sure if guards would see us if we went down hallway■ We poke our heads in and go OOP did u see the ghost in undercommon■ See big chamber■ Three doorways in diff sections of the room, in between two of the doors, a wider portcullis that's been lowered■ A bunch of fish looking bipedal creatures w spears digging into food, they're called kuo-toa■ One of them turns around and stands up, eating tough cured meat■ "do you know where it went ? I'm scared"□ Deception, 7

□ Short thingy but has a long whip in his hand□ Stares us down "you two aren't authorized to be here"□ "but she's a chef, so" asyna "we're lost"□ Asyna asks what they're up to◆ One of the fishy guys says he saw the ghost go a certain way, pointed towards a hallway leading off to the right in the room□ The main guy staring at us cracks his whip and says "we're busy"■ We back out and head into area we were first in- We go back to kitchen to grab food, off in distance we here loud banging crash from behind us- Adam wheels out the carto The floor drops bc there are stairs; a dozen or so cheering warriors in a wide chambero Make acrobatics checks■ "stairs have been the ultimate enemy in this session" jacob, 2021■ 16 for theo, 7 for celo Adam pushes cart out, and as it leans down, it's a little too heavy and turns to sideo Platters clatter open, except for the one containing the fish {stays upside down)■ Two dishes splatter onto floor, along with a halfling■ Theo stays inside the cart■ Cel tumbles outo Everyone looking at them■ "did anyone order a halfling and blueberry pie?"- Adam must make performance checko 14o Everyone in the room draws their weapono Floating creature descends and hisses, drow gathering energyo Sylvia has an idea■ Adam is telling everyone to calm down bc he has a pieo Cel stands up, hand on dust of disappearance subtlyo But they hear low rumbling sound- Adam yells "WAIT ! I know this looks bad ! But there is a much more pressing manner" as he pulls out the fish foodo Grumbling turning into laughter■ Really creepy uncomfy laughtero "halfling pie" ahahahahao Adam starts laughingo Cel halfheartedly laughso Can't see anything but can hearo Looking at ceiling just see large circle bowl attached to ceiling- Adam "I have been informed - praise xanathar by the way - I've been informed by ot to feed lord silgar his daily sustenance and if I don't get this to him soon things aren't going to b looking too hot for the xanathar guild"o Everyone kinda chuckling to themselves■ Cel makes 21, adam makes 13 or smth for insight check; theo rolls 3o The ppl don't think the joke is funny but they're laughing anywayso Voice echoes "v mysterious . ot went missing"■ "well he hasn't been to work in awhile" adam says□ Adam makes persuasion check□ Adam rolls nat 1◆ Hears deep imposing resonance◆ "deliver your food and then be gone from this ?? Space -- if you should trifle, then perhaps we shall enjoy the new employee with the pie"□ Adam tells cel to wait here and cel Is like :I◆ Adam casts message and tells cel that if things go south to find aerana and

asyna◆ Adam takes theo with him□ Cel messages back for adam to keep an eye on the plushie◆ Cel standing by door, adam wheeling cart with one hand, sets pie on table by buff guys and keeps going◆ Cel looking around room and doesn't see anything that doesn't look humanoid, sees two other doors not including one she came from- Human woman tells cel that she better leaveo "I think you should leave before he changes his mind"o Cel tries the door she came in from, it's unlockedo Adam is going for door closest to him firsto Cel leaves room going back way she came■ Right as she goes to leave, booming voice says "wait. You there . Halfling . Tell us a story . And you tiefling fellow . If you encounter ot, give him my best wishes . And then come back . say . Which door is ot behind, my friend?"■ Jacob: "I'm gonna roll a d2"□ "is this a test ?? I still just started this job" adamo Cel tries to leave, makes acrobatics check 18■ Human woman rolls nat 20 and cel cannot leaveo Jacob rolls 24 to ask for a hint■ "it is not the door on your left !!"■ Adam insight checks, 15; voice is odd and adam can't tell what's going on■ Adam says he loves the voice and opens the door right next to him■ Cold rush fills adam's body, just fear□ "give my regards to ot! You passed :)"■ Adam feels push and door shuts behind him, without theo■ Adam has darkvision, sees gigantic 20x20 fish bowl with aquatic plants and gravel inside and a miniature castle + sizable treasure chest at bottom of bowl■ Inside is a familiar looking dwarf with a strange helmet on□ Turns around and yells◆ "OT"◆ Adam goes over and puts two hands on his shoulders◆ Ot is holding smaller fishbowl with a goldfish◆ "I need that goldfish"- Back to asyna and aeranao We go get food from the kitchen, two souffleso We hear more argument back at stairs, sounds like ringleader from before in undercommon saying "well no sir according to my observation did not see any ghost . Well I should hope not but we can investigate for you if you desire"o We walk down left hallway, see tall pillars■ Passageway to left back in direction we came□ Door, passageway, passageway that goes sort of back way we cameo We keep going down passageway■ 17 perception check at ornate door■ We can hear cel talking and occasionally a deep booming interjecting voice■ We listen by other door, can hear fish people talking through there■ 18 perception down other passageway, looking down catches glimpse of a halfling being dragged off□ Halfling doesn't look like someone we recognize- 28 stealth check to pull open door a little bito See big group of ppl, knocked over cart that looks like one adam was pushing, cel- Back to cel, cel telling a storyo "have you ever heard the story of the yawning portal"

o "no . I've heard it's a terrible place"o "yeah it's an awful place with mystery that I want to explore"o Cel relays things durnan has told about typ, rolls performanceo 11 performance check■ Is talking for awhileo Aerana and asyna can hear clearly- Theo still inside fallen carto Is close to door adam went througho Everyone is watching celo Door adam went through is probably unlocked■ Stealth check, 17 w pass without a trace- Theo makes it through unscathedo Sees ot and adam chatting- Back to adamo "OT I need that fish"o adam slaps himo Adam makes strength check of 5o Theo has sneak attack and is gonna bonk ot on the head■ 13 to hit, stun attack and ot drops bowl□ Adam makes dex check, 14, catches bowl□ Looks like the fish adam saw in that painting but also looks p mundaneo Theo has other fish, other fish kinda looks like lord silgaro Adam gets lord silgar and puts him underneath chef's hato Fake fish named filgar■ See passageway leading out and sloping up {like a ramp) + locked double door against wallo Ot says "we spoke of the stone"■ Ot begging for fish, adam says give stone ot says I don't know where stone is■ Adam rolls 18 for insight, but ot blocking big bowl■ No fish in the bowl just a rocky sandy bottom, faux treasure chest, faux castle- Adam walks up to bowl, tips it overo Adam mage hands down into fish bowl, opens chest, sees oval, uses mage hand to grab rocko Ot starts crying bc he doesn't want to fail at his jobo Adam gives him filgar and brings ot close■ "you saw nothing"- Adam puts rock in pocketo Jk adam hands stone to theo and tells her to get out, adam is gonna go get celo Adam tells theo to meet at kitcheno Jk we'll meet outside the guildo Theo just needs to book it- Adam and theo high five, adam walks back out and claps "he ate"o "very good" booming voice sayso Says they're gonna finish eating the halfling but adam offers his entertainment skills■ Cel dips out, sees asyna and aerana and we hand her the souffles■ Keep door pried open- Theo follows passageway as far out as she can go- Adam starts storyo "there once was a young man in a fallen city . This city had many factions . This young boy was the leader of the smallest . His faction was growing smaller and weaker until one day he made a deal with a devil . Devil asks for an heir, man agrees, came at cost of best friend, but man receives great power and influence in city; one morning realizes consequences and at his doorstep were two baby twin tieflingso One crying one laughing

o Man takes it upon self to raise tieflings in secret, can't kill tieflings bc agreement- Theo running down hallway, sees heavily armed fish folk and head to double doors, walk through; four of us now togethero As adam giving speech, is casually inching towards door he came from, preparing darknesso Voice is just listening to storyo "Man raises two tieflings in secret, one void of powers other great sorcerer; tutor hired to teach lesser tiefling . Tutor was kind and only friend of younger tiefling and realized younger tiefling needed to escape; when younger tiefling turned 17, led tiefling out of city; older tiefling told father of plano Adam's voice cracks :{o "tutor was killed but the younger one got away"o "you know the younger one should've been stronger" voice sayso Adam's voice cracks, stops movements■ Looks at tentacle monster, cross and a little angry, hands shaking behind backo Is close to door

• We ALL run■ "and with that story that has ended with no happy ending, I will bid you adieu" calls darkness, YEETS away■ Adam running

- Naya pokes head out of wall, we run and cel recasts pass without a traceo 13 celo 20 aeranao 19 adamo 11 theoo 10 asyna- Running down hallway back towards kitchenso Behind can hear someone shouting "there you are" from behind us■ Adam casts hypnotic pattern on stairs for next minute■ Aerana launches bow, 6 damage on the jailer dwarf who was immediately chasing us

□- We keep runningDwarf is incapacitated and stands still on stairs

o Following pathway we came through

o Dex saves bc adam's pyrotechnics doesn't work

■ Aerana rolls nat 1

■ Adam nat 20

■ Theo 23

■ Cel 19???

■ Asyna 12

□ Everyone takes 5 damage, except aerana who takes 10

- Adam casts healing words to take aerana to 6 hp

o Adam casts hellish rebuke, 20 fire damage

o Aerana hits 15 damage and yeets out of room

o Asyna rolls 6 dex save, as running out asyna feels incredible slowness; can make door but still slow

■ Halved speed

- We round corner and go up the stairs

o "rat might actually work because rat is rat"

- Aerana turns into squirrel, speed returns

- We get to sewer we entered from and for the moment it looks as we've escaped

o We have lord silgar and the stone

[langdvnshepherd]

Michael x Male reader fluff ??

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: character death, angst, mentions of smut, fluff

A/N: I’ve never written any male!reader fics so this is a first! I’d love to write more so let me know if you’d like me to take a shot at something else! Under a cut bc this one is way longer than the usual requests I answer!

The timid knocks on his door were quiet, but they startled him nonetheless. It was the middle of the night. Everyone he talked to had been in bed for hours now, the halls were quiet and his social media feeds had died down. He’d been awake, reluctantly, of course, staring blankly at the ceiling, contemplating all of the recent events that had turned his world upside down.

Something inside of him felt like the person on the other side of the door was the same person that had been preoccupying his thoughts for months now, but the greater part inside of him told him to let it go. He was gone. He wasn’t coming back. He’d left him alone in the Hawthorne dorm they’d spent initially as roommates, and up until now, lovers.

He heard his named being called by a hoarse voice from outside of his dorm.

No. It couldn’t be.

“Michael?!” he breathlessly exclaimed as he jolted up from his bed and flung the weighted, wooden door ajar. 

It was him. He had been so certain that he’d scared him off. Maybe he had been too much. Maybe he’d smothered him in a way that Michael wasn’t fond of. Or maybe Michael was the one that was scared. Too petrified of what others would think to take things any further than they’d already gone. He was convinced for a while that one else in the world existed but him and Michael. That was until Michael had up and disappeared in the middle of the night with no explanation. He’d been gone for days, until right at this moment.

Michael looked like he’d been to hell and back. His hair, the thick, golden strands that he loved to tug on when Michael nestled himself coyly between his legs and made him see stars, was matted and caked with muddy earth. His clothes, ones that Michael took great pride in upkeeping, were ripped to shreds, barely hanging on to his malnourished torso. But the most gut-wrenching part of his entire appearance was his eyes. He’d spent many nights gazing into them. Not saying anything, just staring. He’d memorized every dip and ridge of his blue-green irises, how they changed color depending on the intensity of the lamp on his bedside table. No matter how dark or how light, his eyes were always glimmering. They spoke to him in many ways that Michael often couldn’t communicate with words, so to see them now was quite possibly the hardest part of seeing him again. 

They were sunken in and dull, the aquamarine now a deep, sallow grey. Underneath his eyes were dark purple shadows, indicating he probably hadn’t slept well since the last night they spent together.

“Where have you been? What happened to you?” the boy asked, feeling warm, fresh tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.

He pulled Michael into his room and shut the door behind him, where Michael immediately collapsed into his arms. The boy lowered both of their bodies, sliding against the wall until they were curled into each other on the floor. 

Michael was weeping, his chest heaving, tears soaking the boy’s pajama top. The boy held Michael as close to him as he could, disregarding the clumps of mud that fell around him and onto his lap each time a sob wracked through Michael’s body. 

He was almost in shock, in a way. In the days since Michael’s disappearance, he’d convinced himself that he’d never be able to hold him or touch him like this again. He’d stopped going to class, stopped socializing with his friend group, stopped eating. There was something so addictive about the Boy Wonder that waltzed through the doors of the private academy for warlocks just months ago, and to be ripped away from him cold turkey was the worst kind of withdrawal to go through. 

“Mikey,” he tried drawing Michael from his chest to look him in the face.

Michael didn’t budge. He stayed in the same position, clutching tightly to the boy’s frame. 

“Talk to me, Michael. What’s wrong?”

“She’s gone,” he choked out, inhaling the salty tears that pooled in the center of his dry and cracked lips.

“Who? Who’s gone?”

He was getting closer, getting him to open up little by little. He prayed to whoever was listening that he’d get somewhere with him. That he’d get the clarity he needed to justify the days he’d spent wallowing in his own self-pity. But he also knew that Michael rarely spoke about himself and how he was feeling. Maybe talking Michael through whatever had just happened to him could bring some clarity into his own life.

“My Ms. Mead. She’s dead. They killed her.”

More sobs, more heaving, more tearing apart at the seams. He’d seen Michael cry only once before when Michael told him that he thought he was in love with him, but those were different tears, a different kind of fear and excitement. These tears were forlorn. They were grieving.

The boy holding Michael stroked his spine, occasionally reaching out to work at the knots built up in his back. It felt right, to have Michael in his arms again, but it felt selfish to be savoring the moment like this. Not when Michael had just lost the only other person he’d ever heard Michael talk about loving.

“I’m so sorry, Michael,” he whispered.

“Who killed her?”

“Those fucking witches,” Michael snarled in between breaths, his grip around the boy’s middle growing uncomfortably tight.

“I’m going to murder every last one of them.”

“You’re delirious. Let’s get you in bed. We can talk more in the morning.”

Cordelia was the Supreme, as you’d heard all about it when she visited Los Angeles after hearing word that Michael might have powers greater than her own. Michael was certainly out of his mind if he thought he could successfully take down an entire coven without being burned at the stake first.

Michael nodded weakly against the boy’s chest.

“Actually, I think you need a shower first. Think you can stand?”

Michael shook his head, “No.”

“That’s okay. It’s okay, Michael,” he reassured him, rubbing his back once more.

The boy lifted Michael from the floor, holding him up by the chest as they hobbled to the bathroom connected to the dorm room. 

He stripped Michael down, running his fingers over the protruding bones of his ribcage, feeling more and more devastated as each article of clothing was discarded onto the cold tile. He checked the temperature of the shower faucet before removing his own clothing, then carefully held onto Michael’s hand before stepping into the shower with him. 

The boy worked the shampoo through Michael’s scalp, feeling the tension literally lift off of Michael’s shoulders at the feeling of being tended to. Clumps of dirt and mud swirled at the bottom of the shower drain as he lathered the rose-scented soap, Michael’s favorite, across his chest and back, then down to the meat of his thighs and ankles. When he was done cleaning up the mess Michael had made of himself, they stood idling underneath the scalding hot, flowing water. 

They’d done this many times before, showered together. It often ended in wandering hands and creating more steam than what was caused by the temperature of the water, but this was entirely different kind of needy. He felt like Michael might quite literally crumble if he let him go. 

They stayed there until the water ran cold, bodies flush against one another, buried in the crook of either one’s necks.

“You want some clothes to sleep in? All of yours are still here,” he questioned, walking over to the dresser that held all of Michael’s belongings he’d left behind when he vanished.

“Can I sleep in yours?” Michael asked, exhaustion taking over every fiber of his being. 

He was perched on the foot of the boy’s bed, shoulders slumped over, tiny beadlets of water dripping from the ends of his freshly washed hair and pooling into the crevice of his closed thighs.

“Of course,” he answered, going back to his own wardrobe to reach for the shirt of his that he knew Michael loved best.

He approached Michael with the fabric in his hands, situating it so that he could slip it easily over Michael’s head. Michael could barely hold his arms up long enough to slide them through the armholes, his breathing becoming manual and deep when he was able to drop them back down to his sides. 

“I thought you were gone,” the boy spoke so quietly that Michael almost couldn’t hear him. 

Michael looked up at him with more tears in his eyes, an overflow of emotions bombarding him once again to see how much he had hurt the only person he had left.

“I’m sorry,” his voice cracked as the water ran down his cheeks.

“Don’t cry Mikey,” the boy shushed him.

“I’m just glad you’re back.”

When he reached down to grab the towel Michael had used to dry his body, Michael gripped him back the back of the neck, pulling him into a passionate kiss. They both realized they’d missed the taste of each other more than they had initially thought as their lips massaged one another’s, the tips of their tongues dancing along the edge of each other’s bottom lips. When he pulled away, there was a faint wash of a smile peeking through the features of Michael’s face. The corners of his mouth turned up just slightly, and his eyes seemed to brighten just half a shade at the familiar sense of security, his boyfriend’s comforting touch.

As soon as Michael was dressed in clean clothes that weren’t coated in the remnants of his worst nightmare, he laid his head back onto the mattress on which he’d spent many nights prior to this. Much like the shower, many of those nights had been sleepless and erotic, but other times they were soft and gentle. Nervous, shy pecking on the lips and clammy, inexperienced fingers, but mostly just sleeping. Michael had quickly realized that every night spent in his own bunk right beside his lover’s was a night wasted. He’d slept far better next to him than he ever had on his own. 

The boy crawled in bed next to Michael, cozying up to his warm, drowsy body and slipping his arm under Michael’s t-shirt and around his middle. He stroked Michael’s tummy with his palm, refamiliarizing himself with each dip and curve of his torso.

He knew it was no use trying to pry any more words out of Michael. He was snoring the second his head hit the pillow, and he knew that because of the faint snores that escaped his lips almost immediately.

He had wished for this moment. For Michael to come back and lay with him once again. And he’d gotten what he’d asked for. Only it didn’t resemble the way he’d pictured it. 

His intuition made his stomach churn, for fear that this reunion was only temporary, and Michael might be leaving again far sooner than he could bear.

//

Gonna tag a handful because this one’s a lil long!!

@avesatanormalpeoplescareme @venusxxlangdon @wroteclassicaly @sojournmichael @1-800-bitchcraft 

[wellanthropologicallyspeaking]

trigger warning // abusive parents, emotional abuse

i might be one of only a few people who have been thru the experience of loving and trusting a parent(s) their whole lives, and in a matter of months have that trust utterly broken and the love that you felt for them lost.

context is, long story summarized, my mom put me thru a very tramuatic experience last year (on christmas no less) when she basically said she “disowned me as her child”. i cried and cried and the whole thing was horrible, she just shouted so much while my dad begged her to stop and calm down, and he tried to calm me down too and brought me food afterwards.

the context for this was basically, the christmas tree that i was decorating for hours the night before had fallen when i was downstairs looking for an extension cord, and its falling broke one of the ornaments from my childhood that i had painted myself while in kindergarten/first grade. it was so heckin pretty and i was so proud of it and hoenstly when i saw i broke, along with a few other beloved ornaments, i broke down.

december last year was filled with all kinds of shit that led me deeper and deeper ino my depression, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. while we cleaned up the tree with me sobbing intensely, my mom was all “i told you this would happen !!! you should have done what i said !!!” THAT’S what you say to your CRYING CHILD (i’m 20 but still im her child and you would expect a person to be more compassionate towards THEIR KID)??? instead of seeing that they’re obviously upset. this made me fucking pissed and i just stormed to my room, and declared that im not celebrating christmas this year. my mom forced me and coereced me to have christmas dinner, but i slipped away with a turkey leg and bread into my room, while she was fucking pissed in the other room.

the next day, we had the horrible aforemention argument, where we went over the christmas canceling thing and me not wanting to celebrate, but my mom also went on the thing that i didn’t want to take her vitamins anymore, and she was fucking pissed at me for that.

now, that makes no sense, but i have pretty bad acne, and my mom has *taken it upon herself* to treat my acne herself, even though i kept telling i didn’t want or ask for her help, but she’d just insult me and force/blackmail me to take them. this went on for over a year, and it sounds horrible on its own, but it actually didn’t change my opinion of her until last december.

her argument was “because you’re not taking the vitamins i gave you, it means 1) you want to ruin your skin permanenly (and she goes on about ONE lady she knows who has bad acne scars who i’ve never even met) 2) you want to HURT ME EMOTIONALLY because i worry about you and you having horrible skin makes me feel bad (this sounds kinda emphathetic from her side of things but trust me, the way she meant it felt more like im some kind of experiement to her who she needs to fix and when she can’t “fix” me, she feels bad instead of ever considering MY FEELINGS)”

anyways that whole load of bullshit resulted in me arguing with her, and eventually led to her threatening to disown me while i sat sobbing so fucking uncontrollably, which i think was the only time since maybe i was a baby that i had ever cried so much and so hard. she eventually said, in not so many words, fuck you and im disowning you, while i was left shattered in a pool of my own tears.

it took me WEEKS to recover from the emotional turmoil that experience brought me, and i could never look her in the eye again.

about a month later, my dad would end up driving me to college instead of my mom (bc im a 20 year old american who still doesn’t know how to drive whoops) and over the months of the semester, he’d share things about how bad this lawsuit is that my mom’s waging against our neighbor (wholeeee other kettle of fish that i won’t get into here) and how it was stressing him out and using up precious time, money, and energy that he had. he also mentioned the whole lawsuit cost 40K to manage up to that point, bc my parents had been doing it for about 5 years and that’s the total sum it cost over those 5 years. i was fucking shocked bc, i remeber years back even BEFORE the lawsuit when i saw my mom google “free colleges” for me to attend when i’d graduate, bc she said college “was too expensive”. i mean yea that’s true but there’s a good college here that i want to go to that’s 6K a year?? like if you add it up, my time at college would cost LESS than the 40K wasted on this lawsuit AND we’d deffo have money left over for house repairs, of which our house needs a million. but nah, my mom’s priorities is that we need to waste 40K on a lawsuit for a plot of land on our drive way the size of a desk. size of a DESK. im not fucking kidding here, i wish i was bc its so ridiculous.

then later i learned that my mother (who i already knew had disowned her first daughter, what a shocker) had as a sort of “punishment” to her first daughter, aka my half sister, to take her piece of their apartment back that is in Russia. my dad said we could compromise on the money and get about 50K to pay for the downpayment for our house here, but my mom was s u r e she could “win” her case and get 300K for her share, which my dad said was near impossible and could put my half sister and her family in danger, bc apparently money handling in russia is risky business and people get killed for that sorta money.

my mother didn’t give a shit. about the actual reality of the situaion or the pain/danger she was putting my sister and her family thru. she could shit a turd and give more of a shit about that than her own daughter.

anyways all this and more that i learned, as well as the trauma she put me thru in december, made me open my eyes to the monster i had truly been living with. i finally learned how horrible, twisted, selfish, and cold blooded she was, and knew she could never have held any love for me. the mother i had known my whole life was a lie, and that lie shattered before my eyes.

this went on far too long (probably bc it shows i need therapy ahahaha i still haven’t dealt with this have i) but the message i want to share here is, if you’ve been in a situation where your parents have turned out to not be the person you thought they were, and the love you felt for them and the trust you had in them had shattered overnight, i want to say i know how you feel.

when that happens, everything that was normal with your parent(s) becomes abnomal. you go to share with them something you’re excited about, but you realize you can’t. you think about that yearly event you both go to but realize you can never go together again. it might not even be because they won’t allow it (my mom has “forgiven” me and thinks we’re alright again, as if december was “nothing”) but because you know in your heart that the person you did those things with is gone. they were really never there to begin with, because the whole thing was an act and the traumatic expriences you went thru made you see their true colors. and you see that their true colors are ugly as fuck.

those pauses when you realize that you can’t ever be the same around your parent as you once was, those times when you’re forever locked up to them because you won’t allow them in, when you feel guilty that you haven’t forgiven them and that its somehow your duty as their child to forgive them, i’m not here to say that you should open up, but that you should not open up to them. don’t ever feel like you are obligated to open up to them or “forgive” them. they hurt you and they broke your trust and made you experience horrible trauma that’s hard to come back from. just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you must forgive them.

there’s this societal norm that we’re surrounded by that in order to overcome and deal with trauma, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. in my opinion, i think that couldn’t be farther from the truth. if you are a person who finds it easist to deal with their pain by forgiving those who hurt you, i’m not bashing you; more power to you for being able to forgive, especially when i can’t do the same. however, forgiveness is touted as this “cure all” that people should use to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you. that cannot be true because what works for one person does not necessarily work for the next. one person may be able to deal with their trauma with forgiveness, and another person cannot do the same. i believe that you shouldn’t have to forgive those who hurt you, especially when you don’t feel strong enough to or feel any love/trust in them after they’ve hurt you. i can accept that what happened, happened, and that what my mother did to me happened, and that it affected me terribly and left me with emotional scars that will be hard to heal from, but i cannot call her my mom anymore or forgive her for what she did to me.

i do feel tinges of guilt sometimes because, i think, of this societal norm that you should forgive everyone, and i feel that coming from my place as a daughter, that i have some obligation to forgive my mother based on what society tells you. you may feel the same too, that you feel guilty for not forgiving your family and that if you were a better person you would forgive them. im here to say that that’s bullshit. you may feel guilty for not forgiving your family but that’s not some sign that you actually should forgive them or that you deeply down want to forgive them, it just means that you feel guilt because of what society has drilled into you. its okay to feel guilty about not forgiving your family and still not forgive them at the same time !! i feel like this sometimes, but i still know that the trauma my mother put me thru and the lies i uncovered about her make me realize that i can never forgive her. if you’re not emotionally strong enough to forgive someone, if you don’t feel the same love or trust in someone as you once did and so are unable to forgive them, i just want to say, its okay not to forgive them !! this isn’t some kind of contest that you have to win, you don’t have to feel like you’re a weak or bad person for not forgiving someone, bc our ways for coping with trauma are all different !!

in my opinion, i think trying to forgive or keep people in your life who are obviously terrible is not healthy in the long run. my mom is still doing the shitty things that are similar to what i described earlier, and i now know that she’s still just the same horrible, selfish, cold blooded person she always was; she was just under a mask. me forgiving her or tolerating her now won’t magically turn her into a good mom !! she’ll always be shitty and its healthier for me to just cut her out of my life as much as i can (while im still living at home with both that parents, and me being unable to drive, that is proving very difficult). it’s just better to cut out toxic people from your life and surround yourself with healthy people who will help you grow and thrive. it’s kinda like what marie kondo says,

(yea im an organizing nut but her book has really helped me organize the house, and i think organizing is kinda my coping mechanism, i spent so much time after december doing a full rehaul of the house that i had never done before, because i think i wanted to regain control of my life in some part as a way to cope for all the shit i went thru)

you should only keep things (or people) that “spark joy”. anything or anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” for you, you’re allowed to remove from your life : )

[squiishiichaos]

Rikuroku? And they only start getting along after they make sora cry ((maybe out of frustration bc they were always arguing or fighting)) and learn they have a ton in common

(Anon.  What the fuck.  Why would you make me do this to Sora?

…but okay.  Here you go.)

_______________

Sometimes, life was like glass–fragile and easily broken. Other times, no matter how hard Roxas slammed the bottle against a tile counter, it just refused to fucking break.

Sometimes–like now–it was a bit of both.  

Staring at his long-time best friend on the brink of tears, he could do nothing but glare at their only mutual friend where he stood leering sidelong at the floor from his place leaned stoically against the wall.  

With his hands folded across his chest, Riku looked angrier than he had any right being considering he was the one who started this whole fucking thing.  If he had just listened to Roxas the last eight-hundred times he told him to leave him the fuck alone, maybe Sora wouldn’t look like someone had kicked his goddamn puppy.

But no.  Of course not.  

Because Riku just had to march his ass into the gym at the exact same time Roxas was using it to conveniently skip class and he just had to give him that fucking look like he was the worst piece of garbage on this fucking green Earth. And yeah, okay, maybe he had jumped the gun when he asked him what the fuck he was looking at, but could you blame him?  

How Sora could even put up with accusatory looks like that was fucking beyond him, but then again, with all the glares pointed at him, maybe Sora didn’t know the all-consuming rage it brought along with it.

He certainly did now–if Riku’s bloody nose was anything to go by.   Though–and Roxas would never admit this out loud–Riku had managed to slug him a good couple times before their friend came to the rescue.  

Then–then–he had the audacity to tell him he was fucking lucky.  What bullshit!   Lucky for who?  Himself, maybe, because Roxas was just getting warmed up.

“Stop it!”

Roxas paled as the Brunet tried–and failed–to compose himself with a sniffling breath.  “Stop what?  I’m not even doing anything!”

“I know you, Roxas!  Don’t you dare try and tell me that if I wasn’t standing right here, you wouldn’t go right back to fighting him!”  

Oh, no, there was no question about that.

So, he stayed silent and let that glassy glare bore right through to his soul as Sora seethed, “that’s what I thought.” A low growl that had no right coming out of Sora’s mouth–of all places–was followed by a drag of hands down sun-kissed skin.  “You guys cannot keep doing this.  It was okay when you were just teenagers, but we are about to graduate University, guys!  You’re too old for this shit!”

Oh, fuck.  Riku and Roxas shared the same wide-eyed look from across the gym as that one out-of-place word set off alarm bells in both their minds.  

But before either of them could dare say a word to try and assuage the obvious hue of anger dusting the Brunet’s cheeks, he was already huffing out the last signs of tears from his lungs and staring them both down with hands poised dangerously on his hips.

“Look,” he began with a sharp edge, “This is the last time.  I want to be friends with both of you without biting my nails any time I want to invite the both of you.   I’m not asking for much, here.  I don’t care if you hate each other, just figure shit out so you don’t get me arrested as an accomplice in murder.

“Now,” and he clapped his hands loud enough that they both nearly jumped, “I’m gonna give you guys some time alone.  Talk.  Fight. Blow each other.  I don’t fucking care, just…please.  I will not choose between the two of you.”  

With that, the Brunet stalked over to the door and left two behind to stare at his wake.

The click of the door shutting came with a tension that settled in a miasma between them thicker than any mystery meat the cafeteria back in Twilight Town had ever served.  It was suffocating.  Debilitating.  But it also came with a punch to the gut that had Roxas right back into the same fight-or-flight response that got them into this mess in the first place.

His conscience told him, this is where you say sorry, but the devil sitting pretty on his shoulder whispered, make him eat shit and grovel.  

Guess which one he fucking chose.   “This is all your fault.”

“Excuse me?”  At least Riku had the decency to sound as annoyed as Roxas felt.  “You attacked me, remember?  All I did was open the fucking door!”

“Oh, horseshit!  You could’ve just ignored me and gone somewhere else!”

“Where else would you like me to go, huh?”

“Literally anywhere I’m not!”  

“Well, sorry to break it to you, Roxas, I don’t know where the fuck you are at every fucking hour of the goddamn day!   I know this might be hard for your paranoid mind to understand, but sometimes, I actually do shit that doesn’t revolve around you.  Most of the time, in fact!”

Okay, that did it.   “What the actual fuck, Reek?  You make it sound like I’m obsessed with you or something!”

“Oh, like you’re not?”  Roxas actually reeled back at that one.  Is that how it seemed?  Like he had a-a-grade school crush or something?  

“Fuck no!  Eww, why the fuck would I ever be obsessed with you?!”

Green jades narrowed into a piercing leer.  “You’ve been the bane of my existence since we were fourteen-fucking-years-old.  Any time I tried to just hang out with Sora, you’d get all defensive–”

“Yeah, because you hogged him all to yourself!  You literally threw a tantrum for three days straight because he asked Kairi to the Beach Ball instead of you!” Riku made rolling his eyes somehow look like the most dramatic action in the entire world.   It only pissed Roxas off more that he actually made it look–dare he say it–good.

“And what about you, huh?  You quit Hayner cold turkey for three whole months because he called Sora stupid once.”

“He fucking deserved that shit.” A slight quirk at the corner of Riku’s lips almost pulled a bit of pride from Roxas.  It was so cynical and maniacal–the kind of dark expression the Silveret seemed to reserve only for him.

Only for me?  What the fuck, brain?  No!

“I never said he didn’t, did I?”  Shifting where he stood leaned against the opposite wall, worn sneakers squeaked against the wood floor louder than if one of them had screamed.  It made the distance lingering between them seem even larger than when Sora had been standing in the dead center of it.  Made it feel unnecessary when they were supposedly in the middle of an argument.

But Roxas refused to be the one who closed it.  Adamantly refused.    “Then why the fuck are you bringing it up?”

“You air my dirty laundry, I air yours.” That cocky little smirk.  It stuck there as Riku finally came off his perch and stood tall with a confidence he often swallowed when around his friends.   A suaveness that had once–a long time ago–made him think, I wish I could be that cool.

“What’s next, then?  Wanna remind me of the time I nearly got my own ass jumped by Seifer because I caught him talking shit about Sora?  Or maybe you’d rather tell me about the time that you called me selfish for blowing him off on his birthday!”

“You made him cry on his Birthday! What else did you expect me to do?  You didn’t even have a good excuse!”  

On the contrary, Roxas had a perfectly good excuse.  He had simply refused to explain over the phone how Lea and Isa had been fighting for weeks and that he was honestly afraid their engagement was one bad argument away from lapsing and his entire home life of falling to shit.  Refused to let himself cry on Sora’s shoulder on his Birthday, when he should be happy and stuffing his face with cake.   Or to hear his best friend calmly say, “the party can wait one more night.  You need me more right now,” when he knew that the Brunet had been waiting literal months for that sleepover.

Fat lot of good lying had done him.  Sora had ignored him for a solid week afterwards, and even Riku had refused to look at him.  The only cherry on top of a bad life had been two weeks later, when Riku finally got up the balls to confront him and Roxas got the honor of fracturing his wrist during the ensuing fight.

Not one of his finer moments, but it had certainly gotten a lot of problems off his back in one foul swoop.  

“Whatever, Asshole.  You’re prol’ly still angry I won that fight.”

“Believe it or not, Roxas, that was probably one of the only times I actually respected you.”  

Letting out a harsh bark of a laugh, the Blonde felt his fists ball at his sides.  “Excuse me?”

“You missed that party for him, not you, and I could see the pain it caused written all over your face.  Until then, I really thought you were just a selfish git, but no narcissist could feel that much guilt. In retrospect,” he sighed offhandedly with another of those classy eye-rolls, “I guess I should’ve realized you’d never miss a chance to hang out with Sora without good reason, considering you followed him like a love-struck puppy all the time.”

“Who told you?” It came out weaker than he intended it to.  He wanted it to sound bitter and deadly, but it instead sounded fragile.  Like the bottle he’d been slamming against the kitchen sink was finally on its way to cracking open.

Right now, Riku looked no better.  “I…heard some rumors from one of the members of the Swim Team.  Said they’d had a big break-up right around the same time.”

“And clever little fucking you put the pieces together.”

“Look,” Riku sighed, pushing back the long waves of his platinum hair with equally long fingers, “we obviously have our differences and I don’t wanna be your friend anymore than you probably want to be mine–” Roxas’s harsh laugh cut him off just long enough to elicit a warning glance before he continued–”but I’m not losing Sora because we’re both stubborn pieces of shit.”

“A-fucking-men.”  Scratching angrily at the back of his neck, Roxas glared back at Riku.  “So, what do you propose?”

“A truce.”

Roxas snorted.  “A truce?  What’s next?  A goddamn treaty?  We gonna have to bring in a fucking banker to Notarize it?”

“If we have to, yes.”

“Holy shit,” the Blonde breathed, “you’re fucking serious.”

“Yes,” the Silveret confirmed with another of those piercing leers, “as serious as a heart attack.”  

Huffing out the air from his chest in an oof, Roxas ruffled the messy strands of his unkempt hair and cautiously took a couple steps into the gaping delta between them.   Riku took two of his own, and like pieces on a chessboard, they slowly closed the distance remaining until it was just the two of them–alone in an open room–with nothing but a foot of air between them.  

The last time they’d been this close, Roxas had literally punched the air out of his chest and kneed this fucker in the nose.  Literally about five minutes ago.

Speaking of which, “I’m not gonna say sorry for your nose.”

Riku rolled his eyes.  “I didn’t think you would.”

“If that’s a stipulation of the truce, I’m not agreeing to it.”

“I want your apology even less than you want to give it.”

“Good.”

“Great.”

“Fucking perfect.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake–can we just shake on this so we can leave with our friendship to Sora in tact?  Please?”  Roxas felt his lips tilt into a snarky grin against his will.

“Is this what I’ve reduced you to, Reek?  Fucking begging?” Jade daggers honed in on his jugular with an accuracy that was almost terrifying when they were close enough the Silveret could actually get a clean shot for his vitals.  Dare he say it, Roxas was almost…proud?

Fuck it.  

Reaching out a hand, Roxas let the grin twist into a challenging smirk.  “I, Roxas, hereby agree to not start shit with you while in the presence of Sora.  This includes–” he faked a gag that earned him a reprimanding slap to the back of his head and his own little demonic laugh–”occasionally engaging you in conversation if the occasion demands it.”

“You know, I’m not that bad.”

“Certainly are easy on the eyes.”

“Did you just–”

“Shake my fucking hand, Reeks.  I ain’t got all damn day.”  

Rolling his eyes, Riku slapped his hand into his and gripped it tight enough to almost earn him a wince.  Never one to be outdone, Roxas squeezed back with enough force to have the Swimmer glaring bloody murder at his would-be corpse.   “I, Riku, too, hereby agree to not start or answer shit with you while in the presence of Sora.  Should that mean putting up with your fucking bullshit–”

“You love me, admit it.”

“Never said I didn’t.”

“Wait–”

“–Then so fucking be it.”

“Alright, now kiss already!”  Never had the two broken apart faster than they did as Xion’s mirthful voice echoed through the empty walls of the gym.  

While Riku maintained a composed air about him, Roxas gaped at the little traitor where she clapped mischievously from her spot beside a cheeky-looking Sora.   With his hands clasped behind his head and that victorious expression painted across his fucking face, the Brunet was–for once–almost unbearable to look at.  

Gazing sidelong at Riku, the Blonde seethed, “this feel like a fucking set-up to you?”

The Silveret shrugged his broad shoulders and pushed his head forward in a playful tease as he walked toward them.  “And you say you’re not paranoid.”

“Hey!  Fuck you, asshole!  I am not paranoid!”  

And just like that, Roxas threw the glass bottle over his shoulder and forgot to listen for the shatter while he ran after his new acquaintance.  

[mermaidmaiabelle]

congrats on your follower milestone ali! since it’s the holidays, and bc ‘last christmas’ is my favorite christmas song, how about malec + ‘last christmas’ for a song to inspire you?

prompt me for 1k followers celebration fics!  

(also available on ao3)

I'm going to propose to Camille tomorrow.

The message lights up Alec's phone at 9pm, on Christmas Eve. He's sitting around, watching It's a Wonderful Life alone in his apartment. There's an inexplicable sinking feeling in his chest, and Alec idly rubs his fingers together, watching the chat he has with Magnus on his phone. Magnus is typing again.

Do you think it's a good idea?

No, his heart says. No, don't marry her. She's crazy, she's trying to make you something you're not and I miss the old you. I miss the Magnus Bane I met in college, the Magnus Bane that was my best friend. The Magnus that partied until dawn and did whatever he wanted, fuck what anyone else said. The Magnus that was proud of himself, no matter what.

Ever since Camille, it had all been different. She'd tried to make him respectable, saying stupid simpering things about how Magnus' reckless actions reflected badly on her and her reputation, and how he was disappointing her. And he actually listened. She was manipulating him and it worked.

But Alec had tried to talk him out of it before. Magnus wouldn't listen. She had him so good, that the only thing he could do was wait and hope that Magnus saw it himself. They'd all tried. Ragnor, Catarina, Izzy, Raphael.... but if Magnus didn't want to listen, he wouldn't. He was too stubborn to talk out of anything.

It didn't matter what he told Magnus. He would do whatever he wanted anyway.

If you think you should, then do it.

There's a pause. The screen blinks with little dots. Magnus is typing.

Thanks, Alec. You're a good friend.

That should be enough. But there's lead in his stomach, and a vague feeling of sickness in his soul. He sits there for a moment, alone, watching George Bailey walk through the horror of the world he had wished for.

His fingers hit dial on his phone before he's consciously realised what he's doing.

"Hey big brother. What's up?" Izzy asks chirpily.

"He's getting married," Alec says with little preamble, the preoccupation evident in his tone. "Magnus. He's going to propose to her tomorrow."

"Oh, Alec." The sadness in Izzy's voice makes him feel worse.

"It's fine. He's happy," Alec says flatly, wishing he could believe it.

"But what about you?" Izzy asks.

He's a man in love with his best friend, too afraid to say anything, too afraid to ruin their friendship, and too afraid about what the world would say. Magnus was always the bold one. Magnus was the one who showed him how not to care. And that was gone. Without that.... if Magnus couldn’t be bold, then how could he? Magnus was with Camille. And Alec... Alec needed to move on.

"I'll be fine," Alec says. And for a moment, he believes it.

We're not getting married.

It's the middle of Christmas Day. His mother is fussing in the kitchen, whilst Luke pours the drinks. Clary is moving a beautifully decorated cake into the lounge, whilst Izzy and Maia are curled up together on the couch. It's maybe half an hour from turkey o'clock. Phones are probably banned about now. He's supposed to be setting the table. Instead he's looking at his phone, text from Magnus drawing his attention away.

What happened?

He’s spending the day with Camille's family. Alec had been surprised to hear that at the time. He hadn't imagined there would be a Christmas Magnus wouldn't spend with his mother. But instead she was at Ragnor's place, with Raphael, Catarina and Madzie, and Magnus was on the other side of town.

She said she never loved me like that. That it was never serious.

Alec swore. That bitch.

Alec walks out of the dining room, past the lounge and down the hall to his old childhood bedroom. He feels Izzy's eyes on his back. She's the only one who knows how he feels, and she obviously knows something's up with Magnus. But she leaves him be anyway.

As soon as he closes the door, he dials Magnus' number, praying to God that he picks up. It rings once, twice, three times. By the time it reaches six, Alec's wondering if Magnus is going to pick up at all. But then there's static, and the sound of traffic in the background. Magnus is obviously not at Camille's place anymore.

"Alec?"

Oh God. Magnus sounds like he's been crying. Alec can remember every single moment that he's heard Magnus cry in extreme detail. It's usually serious. Which means this isn't good.

"Magnus. Where are you?" Alec asks immediately. Magnus takes a deep breath in, seeming to gather himself.

"Somewhere on East 96th? I think. I don't know."

That's not far from Camille's apartment.

"Where are you going?" Alec asks.

"I... I don't know. I just... I thought...I'm such an idiot." Magnus mumbles, and Alec immediately hushes Magnus down the line.

"No. You're not an idiot. You're not an idiot for hoping for something amazing."

"You tried to tell me. Ragnor and Catarina and my Mom... oh God, my Mom," Magnus says shakily. "I can't see them right now."

"Come here," Alec says automatically.

"Alec, I couldn't interrupt-"

"You won't be."

"Your mom probably already got all the food ready-"

"We have room for one more. We always have room for you."

Magnus breathes in deeply.

"Okay. Okay," he says, almost trying to reassure himself.

"Get on the subway. I'll meet you at the station," Alec promises solemnly.

"Thanks, Alec," Magnus says softly, so softly that the emotion leaks out of every sound.

"I'll be with you the whole way here. All you need to do is message me," Alec promises. He's never been happier that his phone is fully charged.

"Okay. I'll see you soon."

Half an hour later, he's standing at the subway station, wrapped up in a winter coat, waiting with open arms when Magnus stumbles out of the station, looking for all the world like an utter wreck. Alec can't help but reach out, and Magnus falls into his arms with a warm hug that's such a contrast to the bite of the cold air around them.

An hour later, and Magnus is squeezed onto the corner of their dining room table, sitting between Maia and Izzy, laughing at a joke Luke just told. His smile lights up the room, and Izzy shoots Alec a pointed look. Alec just shakes his head softly.

He shouldn't be happy for his friend's misery. He shouldn't be happy, given how this all happened. But for all the world, it feels like Magnus is home.

He'd feel guilty if it didn't feel so right.

And then he remembers he's in love with a man he can never have. And suddenly, it doesn't matter.

A year later and it's 9pm, and he's watching It's a Wonderful Life again. Alec's not quite sure when this became a tradition for him. Last year it was just on TV somewhere. This year he actually sought it out.

In some ways, nothing has changed. He's still going to his mother's place tomorrow, spending Christmas with the same people. But in other ways, it's different. His sister finally moved in with her girlfriend. Alec didn't know how she'd waited this long - she'd been head over heels for Maia for far too long. Clary graduated art school, and his mother actually started dating Luke Garroway. Alec liked him. She seemed happy again, something she had never really been with his father. That’s a fact Alec can only recognise now, looking back.

Things were better. And yet some things never really changed.

Are you home?

Alec picks up his phone, the message from Magnus glowing on his screen. Magnus' profile picture is different from last year. He's visibly happier. It's a picture from Pride a few months ago. They'd gone together, along with Izzy and Maia. They'd dressed up in rainbows and danced through the day. Alec had fallen a little more in love, something he hadn't even thought was possible.

The picture is one of them together, Magnus' arms slung around his shoulders, the blue, pink and purple of Magnus' make up sitting next to the rainbows on Alec's cheeks. Magnus had painted them on himself. Said it was time to embrace the spirit of Pride. Magnus had spent the last year teaching him how to truly embrace his identity. Pride had been a celebration of all the things that had been missing between them for so long. They’d laughed and joked and drunk a little too much. Alec had never been happier.

But he still wasn't brave enough to say what he wanted to say.

Yeah, why?

The reply comes quickly, which makes him think Magnus was waiting on him.

I'm outside your apartment.

Alec frowns, getting to his feet and heading to the window. He pushes it open, leaning out into the cold night air, looking down at the street below. And sure enough, Magnus is standing there, looking every inch the supermodel as the snow flutters into his hair. Alec feels his heart leap a little, and he smiles. Magnus always looks amazing, but something about the image of him standing on his doorstep on Christmas Eve, snow falling through the air.

Alec shuts the window, heading to his door and pushing the buzzer to let Magnus into the apartment building. He then unlocks his front door and leans out into the landing, watching as Magnus walks up the stairs. His cheeks are flushed red. He looks amazing.

"Hey. Didn't realise you were visiting," Alec says, leaning on the door. Magnus smiles softly.

"Neither did I," Magnus admits, and Alec moves aside to let Magnus into the apartment. It's a Wonderful Life is still rambling on his TV.  But Alec can't bring himself to care, when Magnus is lighting up his drab little apartment more than a ton of Christmas decorations could.

"What's up?" Alec asks, instinct telling him this is more than a social call. He closes the door softly before pulling his hoodie tighter around his body, yanking the zip closed.

"I was with Ragnor. And we were talking. About last year."

Last year. Last Christmas, when Magnus had decided to propose to his heinous bitch of a girlfriend. At least she'd been enough of a bitch to refuse. Magnus was better off out of that relationship.

Magnus had tripped through a few rebounds over the year. But he seemed better now. Happier. He hadn't dated anyone since Pride, actually, but he seemed good. Maybe it was a sign of progress. Something had changed that weekend, and Magnus was all the better for it. Alec could tell.

"Yeah?" Alec asks, leaning on the back of his sofa. Magnus is standing in the middle of the room, snow gently melting in his hair. The glowing of his Christmas tree sets off his makeup with a glow of yellow and red and green. It's a vision.

"He says I give my heart away too easily," Magnus says softly, and Alec shakes his head.

"Being willing to take a risk like that is brave," Alec says honestly. After all, he'd always been too much of a coward to do it himself. Magnus smiles, shaking his head in return.

"I don't know. Something he said made me realise I already gave it away to someone else."

Oh. Magnus is in love. Alec wonders how he didn't know. Magnus has always been good at keeping his own counsel when needed. No doubt after the Camille business, Magnus wanted to test things out himself. He’d probably had enough relationship advice to last a lifetime.

"Oh," Alec verbalises. "Well, I'm happy for you. When can I meet them?" He says the words on autopilot. He finds this strange feeling, of meaning the words but also not, also desperately, strangely hoping for the impossible. But Alec's never said anything. He's never been brave enough, and things do not just fall into his lap like that. He's not that lucky.

Magnus chuckles softly, and Alec feels his heart sink a little. What does that mean? Something bad or good?

"You know, I should have realised sooner. But I guess I was just... I never really thought I could be that lucky." Magnus reached up, toying with the button on his coat. Alec frowned a little. "I should have realised years ago."

"What are you talking about, Magnus?" Alec asked.

"It's you, Alec."

His whole world freezes.

"And look, if you don't want the same things as me, it's fine," Magnus rambles. "This doesn't need to change anything, but Ragnor was just talking about his relationship with Raphael, and he made me realise what love really is and how I've been looking for all the wrong things and.... honestly, I've had a crush on you since that mixer at college, but I never wanted to rush you and you seemed more comfortable with-"

Alec pushes himself off the sofa, moves across the lounge in two steps, and presses his lips against Magnus'. It's a flood of emotion, of longing and years of hoping and wishing, and as Magnus' lips move against his, Alec feels a rush of endorphins like nothing else. He's kissed guys before, but nothing like this. Nothing that's a rush like this.

Magnus pulls away for a moment, but Alec can't help but give chase. The kiss lasts for a few seconds more before they inevitably break for breath, foreheads bumping together gently. As their breaths intertwine, Alec can see the individual shades of eyeshadow on his face. Magnus has never looked this beautiful, Alec swears, even if it's probably not true.

"Wow," Magnus breathes.

"I should have done that a long time ago," Alec whispers quietly.

"How long?" Magnus asks.

"Ever since you talked me into having pizza and nachos at 4am."

Alec remembers the night well. A late night of studying at college, followed by a party Alec never would have been brave enough to go to alone. Magnus had looked beautiful, dancing under the neon lights, and had still gone home with him. They’d ended up eating cold pizza in his dorm room after, lying on the floor and talking about nothing and everything. There was something so intensly beautiful about the man lying beside him, past the physical attraction. It was in that moment Alec had realised he couldn’t imagine life without Magnus. That he didn’t want to.

"Oh," Magnus murmurs. Alec shakes his head softly.

"You were always with someone else. It never felt right," Alec tells him softly. "And after Camille.... I'm sorry I -"

"No. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you in the first place. You've always been there for me."

"So have you," Alec retorts. Magnus opens his mouth again, but Alec just leans in, pressing another brief kiss to Magnus' lips just to get him to stop talking. Also because he'd wanted to do that for so long, he was going to savour the luxury of being able to now.

"We're here now. That's all that matters," Alec replies.

After a moment, Magnus nods in agreement.

"Spend Christmas with me?" Alec offers. "Your Mom can come too. Hell, I'll invite the whole of Brooklyn if it makes you happy."

Magnus chuckles softly, and nods. In the background, the bells are ringing for George's happy ending in the movie, and Alec can't help but feel the bells are ringing for them too.

Everything feels perfect.

It feels like home.

[alexiela73]

Could I request Reinhardt, McCree and Roadhog with s/o who relapsed? I haven't self-harmed in months but relapsed today bc things haven't been so great... I just want to know what my boys would think of it. Thank you if you write this! I'm really sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. Nonetheless I hope you have nice weekend

Hello, love, and I can certainly try. I myself have not done self-harm but I have close friends who have. And I want you to know that your brave and beautiful, no matter what you do. It isn’t healthy, but we sometimes do what we have to just to feel anything. And the fact that you continue on living is matters.

Reinhardt:

Is a huge cuddle bug

When they say he is a teddy-bear, they mean it

All he loves is holding you 

The man worships the very ground you walk upon

Since meeting and falling in love with him, you have barely if ever gotten the urge to do self harm

Reinhardt makes you so happy, honestly

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t those days

Some days are so difficult

So emotionally draining

That you feel like a ghost walking among the living

Its so hard on those days to resist the urge

Usually you do, but at one point you can’t stop yourself

The cut feels so good. It soothes the pain inside you, and is easier to bandage then your poor heart.

“My love,” you hear quietly beside you and you jump

Shame fills you when you see your lover standing there

His eye is sad, and gently he takes your hand

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, unsure of what else to say. “I just…sometimes…”

Reinhardt shakes his head and kneels so that the two of you can be face to face

One hand cups your cheek, the other holding your arm

“I am not angry, my love. It just hurts to see you cause yourself pain. But I will not judge you,” Reinhardt says gently, holding you in his arms

For a moment you could only stare before you sniffled

It was so different, having someone who didn’t judge you for this

To have someone who loved you no matter what you did

McCree:

This cowboy loves you to pieces

Your his buttercup

This man loves to bring you flowers and chocolates

Or show up unexpectedly at your work place

Also likes showing off his pistol whenever other people flirt with you

Although you still did self-harm at the very beginning of your relationship, you haven’t in a really long time

Something about Jesse makes you so happy

So calm

The urge just hasn’t been there

And when it does, you think of him and usually manage not to do it

But this time, the day had been rough

You couldn’t escape the urge 

So in the safety of your bedroom you did it

It hurt, and you felt a mixture of both shame and relief

In the end though, you felt bad

So when McCree got back from a mission, you sat down with him

At first, you were hesitant to share

But soon the words poured out of you

How you had done self harm before, how it had helped you when nothing else did, and how falling for him had made you stop

How he always made you feel better

How you had given into the urge

After a moment, McCree asked to see it. You showed him your arm, the slice there from once of the razors in the bathroom

Gently his finger traced it and instead of getting angry, he kissed you

“Thank you for telling me. I appreciate that you trusted me with this,” Jesse had said gently. “Just, the next time you feel like that…call me, okay baby? I’ll do whatever I need to, to make that feeling go away.”

After a second you nodded and snuggled into his arms, glad he wasn’t angry.

Roadhog:

The two of you had a quiet relationship

There was a lot of love in it

You were probably the only one who ever heard him talk so much

And even that still wasn’t a lot

The two of you found peace in each others silence

And comfort in each others presence

There was nothing you could not confide to each other

Roadhog was aware of your self harm before you two started dating

Obviously he hadn’t approved

But he did not judge you for it

Life was hard. You did what you needed to

Although he didn’t ask for it, you promised not to do it again

And for the longest time, you haven’t

Cold turkey was easy at first

But lately its been a bit rougher and Roadhog has been on the road for a week or two now

You miss him so badly, and its just been hectic since he left

You couldn’t stop yourself

You sat in the bathroom, and felt guilty every moment

Guilty except for the moment when it happened

You ended up calling him while he was on the road

You cried, honestly

You felt so bad, like you had broken your promise

Would he be mad? The last thing you could handle was him upset with you

But there was a soft grunt before Roadhog spoke

“I could never be angry at you, y/n,” he said, voice deep. It was clear he’d taken off his mask.

“I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I’m almost home, okay? I’m proud of you, no matter what,” Roadhog said seriously.

It only made you tear up more. You cried until he got home hours later, and hugged you tightly

It was so good having him in your life

[noheroes-allowed]

boston baby

aka I’m a dumbass

I literally deleted all the text of my old post bc I’m a fucking idiot. so now my idiocy stems from not only my inability to stop liking this boy but also my fucking incapability of navigating this site. and my stubbornness in having this post to look back on so I have to write it again which sucks bc I spent like 3 days on the last one. again --- I hate that I put so much weight on our interactions. I hate that I have this need to remember it all. I remember in freshman year when I liked this guy I wrote little clues to myself and I was sure I would remember them. and I liked that it was something I knew but no one else could really guess if they just saw single, independently floating words. but I looked back on them last fall and I had no idea what half of them were. I suppose it’s a good sign that I’ve officially moved on, no ache in my heart that I couldn’t remember, only a little nostalgia. and then when I found the clues I wrote in my notes app about keith from the first segc social I went to in like 2018, I didn't know what was going on either. in this case, it’s purely from bad memory. although I did write down that his favorite candy was sweet tarts, which he mentioned again this trip. I’m sure at one point in my life I will look back on this with only nostalgia and sentimentality and appreciate how much I’ve grown since the time of me writing this, at least I hope so. but for now, I know I want to remember these days. not just bc of my horrendously irrational crush on keith, but bc this trip was really fun. it might be the highlight of my semester. and at the end of it all, I did grow closer to these people and one individual in particular. even though I doubt he would like me back, at the end of the day, I still really enjoy his company and knowing more about him even in the friend capacity. so this is my completely rational justification, and I will try not to feel bad about myself.

I looked back on an unsent letter I wrote about him over winter break just now. it’s crazy how much closer we are now than we were just two months ago. a lot of the content was actually about how I wish I could get to know him more. to hear his laugh and see his smile, listen to his stories and adventures. to know more about him and for him to want to know more about me. it’s amazing. I actually got to do exactly that this weekend. 

there were so many little moments I appreciate and don’t want to forget. when he picked me up, he said something in the car that I couldn’t hear bc I was outside. but I think it was something like ‘do you want to sit in the front.’ but my mind was so set on sitting shotgun that I went for the door and when I asked him what he said he said he just couldn’t get the door open since it was locked the first time I tried. we were talking about behavioral econ since class was cancelled and serena asked me if I liked it and I said that I had been wanting to take it since applying to colleges. keith was surprised. and he said how he didn’t know why he picked the 9am discussion. and I said he could always go to a later one. but then he was like no it’s too late bc jaja is in it and you’re in it. even though jaja never shows up to class. ‘do you want to help me navigate?’ when we left Ithaca, maxwell and I were talking about Iceland, and I said all I wanted to do was see the northern lights. maxwell wanted to go snorkeling. then when everyone started doing their work since our car was deemed the work car, he turned to me and ‘tell me a story.’ literally I lit up inside when he said that bc he wanted to hear about me, and he never reciprocated back this question when I asked him the few times before our trip, and the specific wording bc that’s exactly how I ask him. everyone loves talking about themselves, even me. and I thought making the story-sharing a thing would make him happy since he could think back on some memories and I could learn more about him. it’s a win-win really.  

we talked about maryland a lot. I think the first story I told was in 8th grade when we went to a museum in dc and we ran into neil patrick harris and our grade bothered him so much that he left. and then we got onto the topic of field trips and going to st. mary’s to learn about colonies. he thought it was weird that I took the school bus to school bc he only ever rode buses on trips. we talked about the aquarium and the science center and crabs and ocean city beach trips and just md. stupidly it made me appreciate md more.

anyway I told him about the trips I went on in high school, and how I slipped in the rain in disney and fucked up my elbow for weeks afterwards, and getting to see the backstage of the parks, and having to drive all the way there and sleeping on the bus, and how we went to london and nola. he asked me who I spent most of my time with in marching band. I asked him about his trips. his school took so many camping and hiking trips with everyone in the grade and that’s when he would pull his pranks. they went out to the eastern shore of maryland once and camped out in the grass next to the sand to learn about biomes. and this guy brought a hoverboard even though no electronics were allowed. and they started building a trench in the sand for no reason. he asked me if I ever had gone camping. I told him I camped on a beach in china when I was 12. and that my family used to go every year until my brother was born. apparently on another school trip two seventh graders were making out next to everyone sleeping bc they didn't even separate the boys and the girls. he said one time his friends and him ate really greasy foods and a milkshake from dq and he felt really gross afterwards. 

we talked about books too, like what we read as kids. and I asked him about all the books I read in high school. he read hamlet and the great gatsby and tried to read pride and prejudice and not frankenstein and not the crucible. he watched the lion king in class too after hamlet. I told him I cried, and during the great gatsby, and was haunted by the clip from the crucible where everyone gets hung. he made a reference to percy jackson I didn't understand. I asked him his favorite movie but he didn't know. mine is beautiful boy. he said he saw little women but I wanna read it first. also we talked about friends and how I grew up with it and it would be on the same time as hannah montana at 7:30. he said he watched a lot of hannah but not actually bc of his sisters since they were a bit older than the target audience so I guess he just watched it bc he wanted to? also I said drake and josh was the only children’s sitcom my dad would watch bc it was funny to him too. it reminds me of when we were at mango mango and he pointed out the mangoes and said they reminded him of the pear ipads from icarly and victorious.

we stopped at Panera and he didn’t get the sandwich I recommended. he got a plain turkey sandwich instead, but mine was literally the same except it had really good bread. when we were waiting for maxwell to figure out the drink machine, a jeremy song came on and I said I went to his concert in philly and got the sweatshirt I was wearing from there. he said it was a sign. during lunch annie brought up coronavirus and how a girl got back from abroad and went to mixers. and they talked about traveling in europe. keith said he had family he visited in some European country that I don't remember at this point, and that his most recent immigrant was one of his grandfathers. I wonder what his parents look like. on our way out I asked if we could go to petco and he said for a few minutes. and we got to see lizards and snakes and geckos and gerbils and birds. and then on our way out I said ‘omg a turtle’ really loudly and he turned around and smiled. later I asked him if he had any pets and he said he used to have a dog. he asked me and I said I didn't. he said it seemed like I really want one though. his sister is a vet and the other works for a pet store company. 

we talked about college and how well our semesters have gone. he said his freshman year was rough and he didn't feel like himself and was lazy sophomore year and didn't have good friends until sophomore spring I think. and that cornell was good for him bc he’d grown up in such a small school his entire life and he needed the change. I feel like I would’ve felt a greater sense of belonging if I went to a liberal arts school just bc of its size. he liked 4th and 8th and this year. I liked 3rd 6th 9th and freshman year and this year. he was surprised that I liked them for meeting new people, but I think it has to do with the fact that I met a lot of people in those years who I grew to really care about. even though trying to meet people in that time was hard. and freshman year was just really transformative for my growth. ‘wait tell me more about umd.’ I kept it vague and told him how I was a nerd and was really scared about grades and went to office hours and studied a lot. we stopped at a gas station then so the topic kind of died down. he left the door open for a few minutes after getting out then popped his head back, ‘sorry about that’, and we were all confused but it was just him apologizing for the cold getting in. there was a convenience store inside and his favorite candy is sweet tarts. I liked kit kats a lot, and he does too but he eats them too quickly. I pointed out the cookies and crème, which he’s never had before, but I mentioned that I gave him the option last Halloween when I had candy from work. 

he asked me to put on music but I was scared I would get judged for my music taste and we didn’t have an aux cord and he said we should get one at a rest stop but we never ended up doing that. we turned on the radio and it felt like such an early 2010s thing to do, and I mentioned in middle school there were only two radio stations people listened to. ‘wait name them.’ and he fucking knew 106.5 and 104.3 and gosh. when he said ‘wait we have so much in common’ with that damn smile. I know he was just talking about common experiences we’ve had just living somewhat close to each other, but what initially drew me to him was that we have the same major and both came from md. I always felt a stronger connection to him and I feel like he appreciated our similarities too. it was so fun bc I associate all those md things with people from high school but to have this in common with a friend from college is just so surreal. it’s like two worlds colliding in a wonderful way. 

there were moments when I felt like it was just us, away from segc and just traveling together. when he asked me to look at the Airbnb info. when he asked me to find parking for him bc he’s never parallel parked. but that one time when everyone was in the car and he did it perfectly and everyone cheered. memorizing where our car was. his smile when I would anticipate what he needed and tell him I already have a parking lot set in maps as our destination. when he gave me his wallet to pay the toll. when I left that note in the car bc we were blocking other people. when the windows fogged up and I had to check if he could merge. and when we had to both roll down the window bc the ac was broken. when I checked to make sure he parked between the lines. when everyone else was rushing off to dinner and we stayed behind to make sure we didn't have to pay for parking. and then the next day figuring out the machine. and figuring out the rates. and paying for our parking in the lobby. when he couldn’t get the card in and asked me to try. and in the morning too. when we woke up before everyone else. and I was still in bed working and he was surprised to see me awake and dabbed bc we were talking about that in the car. and just ‘can I use your room’ ‘can I take a shower’ ‘I’m gonna brush my teeth’ ‘wait can I pee first’. cleaning up the Airbnb and stripping the sheets and throwing everything out and taking out the trash and setting the coffee table back and arranging the couch pillows. ‘can I put this here for a second’ when he left his jacket in my room just when he was in the bathroom. but the second night he kept it there for hours. I loved it when we were just talking on our own too. like on the road when he pointed out the baseball and basketball hall of fame and the chesapeake watershed. when he tricked me by calling a random stream the susquehanna, then ‘it’s the susquehanna’ ‘really?’ ‘oh idk’ when I got him back, and then joking that the river we were crossing by harvard was it too, but we actually saw it on the way back. and in the kitchen when he dropped the clif bar wrapper and I said his name in a disappointing way so when we were cleaning up he joked and said we gotta make sure there were no more wrappers lying around. ‘I’m going to go into that room for a while.’ I gave him a weird look so he explained he was gonna do push-ups and didn't want to fall behind and put his finger on his lips. and when I told him I was meeting a friend sunday morning with just us in the kitchen, he said he was jealous. I think bc he wanted to see his best friend from brown. this shit seems miniscule and dumb but. idk it just made me feel happy and light and dumb inside.  

edit 3/21: I’m finally back to finish this post, hopefully. it’s definitely been a weird past week, and so much has changed since the boston trip that I’ve been reluctant to come back and finish this bc of how different I feel compared to how “happy and light and dumb inside” I was a mere two weeks ago. life is definitely weird now. and I didn’t want to taint this post with that. but I think inevitably I am less excited and happy about this trip and probably forgot some the small things. but I needed to finish this eventually, so here I am.

on our way there, I asked him if he was close to his high school friends. and he said he saw a bunch of people last summer. and his friend like inspired him a bit bc he acts with no shame in that he won’t let small doubts hold him back. and that made him want to reach out to hs people. and I said I wanted to talk to some people from home but it was hard bc I didn’t know if they’d want to talk to me too, but then ‘would you be happy if they reached out to you?’ ‘it’s not the same.’ I asked him about his segc application and the issue he talked about. he talked about racism and his perspective. the radio said south by southwest was cancelled, our speaker that week was on the board for the event. the radio also talked about virus cases in boston on our way there. also on our way into the city the second day, there was a sign that said something like ‘caution’ ‘coronavirus cases’ or something and he said it felt like we were in the beginning of an apocalyptic movie. 

when we got to the Airbnb, the others spent literally two hours trying to find a dinner place for us. but we were just chilling. he complimented my shoes. and said butterflies when I was doing stretches on the ground. we went to get water from the kitchen and he got some from the tap but I found a water filter in one of the cabinets and pointed it out to him. ‘oh it tastes fine though’ but I needed it for me. ‘oh that was selfish of me.’ and then ‘lucy what’s your fourth favorite day at cornell’ but we were back in the living room. and he corrected himself to ‘well everyone’ but it was directed at me. and he was asking me. and it made me feel special. in the car he asked me my fourth favorite year and I think that’s how we started talking about umd, and fourth favorite ice cream. his number one is chocolate. at dinner, we were at the thai place and he got chicken curry but ‘why don’t you try something new.’ he said it was too risky given how spicy the menu was and how hungry he was at the moment. he mentioned the md state fair bc annie talked about the ny state fair. and seriously. I fucking need to know if the timonium state fair grounds are legit state fair grounds. like is the fair actually a state fair or do they just call themselves that. omfg I’ve been wondering this for years and I need answers. on our way to dinner, my shoe came untied and I said I could catch up but he waited for me anyway. and as we were jogging he was like ‘remember disney’ bc I told him I fell. we saw a bunch of bunnies in the yards of the houses and I said watership down kinda traumatized me. he said his sister had to read or watch (?) it but he didn’t but he knew it was gruesome. after dinner though we all walked to the tower. that we saw in the distance while we were driving and walking to the restaurant. but it just ended being an academic building with a weird tower top. and it started snowing and was extremely cold. and maxwell told this story about how his brakes got cut on his bike.

after dinner we got back and they were figuring out a movie to watch on netflix. and couldn’t decide so I suggested the office s5 ep14 bc stress relief is iconic. and it made me happy that everyone was enjoying the episode. divya was like ‘keith and lucy look like you’re having fun’ bc we were both sitting on the ground I guess in her like camera’s direction? idk. I thought it was weird she pointed out us two specifically. bc before she asked him how the car ride went and he said everyone was doing work. and she was like wait what so what did you do. ‘I talked to lucy a lot actually.’ ‘oh what’d you guys talk about.’ but he had to fix the car parking and then she asked me from across the room in front of everyone what we talked about. also at dinner saturday she sat down and then literally changed seats to sit next to him. and also ‘shivani, we should visit dc over spring break.’ right after he said he was gonna do a 10k there. it’s a little sus is all. they played some card games after the episodes but I took a shower instead. I think keith and mahdia were partners. after they played I was standing in the living room and everyone was figuring out the sleeping situation and he tapped me on my shoulder. but he kinda messed up bc he tried to trick me but he tapped the wrong one bc he overthought it. 

lucy take your pick, are we there yet, ice cream cake, diners, tufts, 75 state st section 3k, green tea latte, lucy is so funny, magnet, pics in the comic store, questions to ask, salt water taffy, waiting for us by the elevator, crocs store, circle push door???, vineyard vines, bookstore, racing up the stairs, printable stories, ideal Friday night, lucy just takes shotgun, parking for harvard, stopping in pokeworks, looking back at me, the moon and the sun, you know what you need to do, can you get us home, keith st, what’s new, tell me how this morning went, how’d it go, i’m glad you got to go, band and art and classes and sports, my brother, never being at whole foods before, are there tongs, md grocery stores, my phone is messed up, fucking up on the highway, clif bar flavors, first crush, dating, umd, dances and prom, parties, selfie, canoe trip, ipods and mp3 and ds and psp, being dropped off last, his dorky ok, great Gatsby soundtrack, it doesn't really come up in conversation

[lostinlo]

7 things I apply when starting a new journey / reaching a new goal:

1) A necessary change in diet 

- I absolutely love love to eat, like if I could I would eat all day. I have had an obsession with food since a child starting from using it as a coping mechanism to forming a genuine interest (I’d watch the food network for hours). As much as I would love to be able to eat everything I typically do and just workout and get the results I want, this just simply does not work. In the past I have gone the extreme route and switched my diet completely by going partially vegan (If you want me to explain what partially vegan is I can do so later), but I will definitely not be doing that this time around. I plan on cutting out most snack foods and sugary treats and changing the portions of protein intake. Ridding yourself of everything you love and forcing yourself to eat things you find unappetizing just because they are labeled super healthy or organic is not necessary and I would not recommend it as all, especially for any long term results. Please do not think you can’t enjoy food anymore because you want to loose weight or whatever the case may be. Also for putting on wanted weight you will need to change your diet and more than just stuffing your face. Remember different results require different actions.

2)Measure instead of weigh

- I do not weigh myself on a scale.Ever. I go as far as to at doctors appointments covering my eyes when I am forced to step on a scale, so that I do not have to see the numbers. I track changes in my body by taking measurements with tape measurements, how clothes begin to fit differently and just seeing a difference in the mirror, images etc. Scale numbers can be misleading and discouraging so I just don’t bother.

3)Cutting out sugary drinks

- I personally feel as though sugary drinks hold me back. I do not drink soda ever so cutting that is never an issue for me. I do love juice though but I be having to rid it when I know I want to snatch my stomach.100% pineapple and cranberry juice (not cranberry cocktail) should be fine in good portions but as far as the really good cran mix juices and welch’s juices its a no go. There is just wayyyyy so much sugar in them. As far as alcohol I have to decrease that intake as well. I’m not a big mixer to begin with so the issue for me isn’t the additional juices and syrups but the empty carbs in alcohol itself. Honestly I feel as though alot of alcohol drinking all the time results in weight around your stomach and waist which I know I don’t want. I work at a club I know how hard this maybe but with bit alcoholic and non- alcoholic drinks if you are not ready to cut cold turkey just slowly start decreasing your consumption according to your comfort and time span of goals.

4) There is no way around cardio

- Some days when I go to the gym I would rather just work on weight machines and floor exercises but I know I have to incorporate some type of intense cardio into every single workout I do. Again this is just what I do personally but I see the best results with this routine. I typically will do no more than 30 minutes on the treadmill 15 min running and then 15 min walking at a very high incline. If I’m feeling extra that day I will run the whole 30 min or do additional cardio on the stair master. If I’m taking a yoga class for example, I’ll do a quick 20 min run prior to the class.  Beware the more cardio you do the more you will lean out. Trust me I learned this first hand; last summer I went cardio crazy and when I got back to school people were asking me where my ass went. 

 5)I should not overwork myself in the beginning

- I get really motivated and inspired in the beginning of my journey as most people do and am ready to get started and start working hard, but I sometimes have to tell myself to slow my roll. If I have not worked out in a long time (for me this time it was 2 months) I try to make sure my first few days back in the gym I’m not putting my body through too much, and am really just getting back into the swing of things, seeing what levels my body is at. I don’t want to cause any injuries that would prevent further progress. I pulled my left hamstring when I was like 15 and I feel like I still have some flexibility issues with it still,so just be careful. 

6)Increase water intake

- I get so tired of people telling others they need to drink water because I assume most adults do drink water. Not much to really say but I increase how much I am drinking. I just try to double my intake or I’ll drink a gallon throughout the day. I love how lemon water taste so I will also mix that in as well if I have a taste for it at the time. 

7)Set realistic goals for myself & stop comparing myself to others

- I have to make myself my own goals. Yes I look at other women and are inspired but I have to literally tell myself do not make it a goal to look like them. My IG saved pictures page is full of half naked and naked women bc aside from sexual attraction I think the female body is just so beautiful. But I cannot look at a picture of Bernice Burgos or Draya and say to myself that I want to work towards looking like them because that is impossible. Everyone’s bodies are different. Everyone's weight sits differently on them, are different heights, have different genetics etc. I believe the only way to duplicate someone else’s body is plastic surgery & I mean that is that. Everyone has insecurities and things they want to change so I try to just use other women as inspiration to bettering myself rather than comparing myself to them if that makes sense. You want to set short and long term goals whether it be loosing 3 inches or fitting into some old clothes, You need to have something you are working towards or else it will be easy to stop because the motivation is lacking. These goals need to be realistic for yourself and self influenced as possible. DO NOT put a lot of pressure on yourself. Of course you want to push yourself to attain whatever results but please do not put too much importance on what your body looks like rather than your health. I always have to remind myself of this and make sure I am not spending time nit picking at myself. This does not motivate me at all in the long run and can be destructive to self esteem. 

[brxkngilbert]

Five Tiems Fucked ( bc i'm a slut for the ship eVEN THO I HAVENT GOTTEN U A STARTER YET GTG )

                     Send Five Times Fucked For A Drabble                                            ➥@decentjock

ngl i’m just casually pretending jeff ended up in the hospital after the crash bc he definitely didn’t die i will not believe it

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 started with a kiss. A stupid party. A stupid game. It’d seemed to be set up so that guys kissed girls to pass the card over- and then the girls kissed guys. Every so often a girl would kiss another girl to keep the card moving around, but for the most part- guys weren’t kissing. Maybe it was intentional, maybe not, but that was the way it’d turned out. Jeremy hadn’t even wanted to play, but he was drunk and a friend had convinced him (to this day he thinks that maybe it was because she wanted to kiss him, despite his strong stance as gay). But a turn of fate had him turning to the side and landing eyes on Jeff Atkins, the boy who he’d shared a few brief conversations with, and had probably had more than a few dreams about. He hoped he’d do it right- it was simple, right? You turn, press your mouth to the other person’s, pass the card on and it was over. But of course he screwed up. At the last second, the card dropped down, and he was feeling Jeff’s lips against his own.

He doesn’t remember much after that. It was something about the kiss that had them both standing up and moving away from the group. He could only assume that the game continued after they left, but it didn’t matter- all that mattered had been Jeff’s hands on his waist and their lips pressed together. If you asked him where they actually did it, he wouldn’t be able to say. All he could remember was their combined hands discarding clothes, the feeling of soft, unfamiliar sheets at his back, and the baseball player on top of him. He hadn’t gotten the chance to ask, but he thought he might have left a few scratches on the other male’s back. His nails might have been blunt, but they could do a bit if curled enough.

But Jeff had crashed his car before he could ask.

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕖𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 probably was later. Not more than a few weeks- Hannah Baker was still alive, but Jeff was still in the hospital. It wasn’t sex- not really, at least. He’d visited Jeff a few times- couldn’t help it, really, for some reason. There was just a part of him that had felt obligated to come, to sit and talk. And that’s how it’d happened. He could vaguely remember the kiss from the first night they’d had sex, and he wanted to try again- to see if Jeff’s lips against his own would make him feel the same way they’d made him that night. So he’d leaned in, pressed their lips together…

And then before he really knew it, he was reaching over and half-shutting the curtain around Jeff’s bed, eyes cautious as he watched the other male’s face, mouth going down on him despite the doctors or nurses that could walk in at any moment. Both of them probably should have been more concerned about being walked in on, but they’d lucked out- and Jeremy had ended up swallowing the other male’s cum and fixing himself up nervously, terrified that someone would walk in a moment later. Not that that was really a uncalled-for fear.

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕣𝕕 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 was the day Jeremy found out Hannah Baker had died. Jeff was home from the hospital, and Jeremy was shellshocked. Sure, he’d never been particularly close to her- but they’d talked, and since he’d never really gotten close to too many people in general, he sort of considered her a friend. But she became a friend he lost. He’d gone to Jeff for comfort, because they’d more or less become close- but they’d made it to Jeff’s room, Jeremy’s eyes teary. Jeff’s fingers had wiped away the tears, and suddenly Jeremy’s tear-blurred vision was clear, and he was looking at Jeff. The face of the jock he’d almost lost in a stupid car crash, and he couldn’t take it.

The crushing fear of losing another person- or rather, the memory of almost losing them- had him surging forward and pressing his lips to Jeff’s, kissing the baseball player with just about everything he had in him, because he needed him. In that moment, Jeremy needed nothing more than the tentative promise of someone being there, needed to actually feel him there, feel their bodies meshing together.

He could only assume that Jeff knew what he needed, since the other male didn’t ask so many questions as much as he did following exactly what Jeremy was thinking of.

And that was the night that Jeremy thought he might have been in love with Jeff Atkins.

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕥𝕙 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 came after their first official date. They’d done the cliche first date sort of thing- gone to a movie, and Monet’s, and Jeff was dropping him back off at home. If he was being completely honest, Jeremy wasn’t actually planning on having sex with Jeff that night. Call it some weird form of hopeful self respect, but he felt determined not to have sex with Jeff for the sole reason that he wanted whatever they were starting to be about more than sex. Part of him feared that Jeff might have only wanted him for sex, so he was planning on avoiding it that night.

But then they’d pulled up in front of his house, and his Aunt Jenna’s car wasn’t there. Elena was away at college, and though Jeremy tried not to talk about it too much, there was nothing he hated more in the world than being home alone. Some part of it scared him, for some reason- exactly what reason, he didn’t know- so he’d turned to Jeff, his voice almost a whisper, and asked, “Do you want to come inside?” And there was no hope after that.

It was late- they’d gone to a late movie- and for some reason, Jeremy admitted to his fears. “I don’t like being alone. I know you should be getting home, but-” And it was followed by Jeff calling his mother, claiming he’d be staying at a friend’s house (or something- admittedly, he hadn’t been paying much attention) and then the sweet face of Jeff Atkins was looking at him, telling him that it was okay- that he’d stay, that Jeremy wouldn’t have to be alone that night.

Their night had been innocent enough. Jeremy had a TV in his room, and despite the fact that they’d gone to see a movie that night, they’d ended up spooning on his bed and watching some sort of movie or another. Before long, Jeremy was turning around in Jeff’s arms and leaning in, pressing a few tentative kisses to the other male’s lips, had asked the damning question- “Do you want to get more comfortable? Since you’re spending the night.”

Then Jeff’s shirt was coming off, and all hope of a sex-free night was disappearing. Staring at the other male’s bare chest, Jeremy couldn’t help himself, leaning in to kiss at the jock’s exposed skin, and before he knew it, all of their clothes were disappearing, and Jeff was on top of him, and part of Jeremy thought that Jeff just felt flat out right moving against him, their lips together, muffling panting breaths and soft moans.

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕚𝕗𝕥𝕙 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 is different. They’d been what you could call dating for a few weeks. After the night of their first date, Jeremy had come clean. That he didn’t want what they were to just be about sex, so he wanted to hold off a little. Not anything insane, like waiting for marriage- just a little while, so they could actually build a relationship outside of their sex life, and thankfully Jeff had agreed, because Jeff was a decent guy. A good guy. The kind of guy Jeremy needed, if he was being honest.

That time, Jeff had been over for some sort of dinner party that Jeremy’s Aunt Jenna was throwing- Elena was home from college for a little while, so Jenna had wanted to do a little get together for friends and everything, and a large part of Jeremy had wanted to invite Jeff so his older sister could meet his boyfriend. He might have had a tense relationship with his older sister, but Jeremy was certain that Jeff was already a large part of his life, and would only grow to be a bigger part.

Jeremy was not a small guy- he was actually quite large, and bulky, but he’d always seamlessly fell into a more submissive role around Jeff, because that’s just what his personality was like. So he hadn’t hesitated in walking over to the plush chair Jeff was sitting on in the living room, and crawling into his lap, head tucking itself into the baseball player’s neck while Jeff was having a conversation with Elena. It’d just felt natural to him. And when Elena had excused herself- thankfully having enough sense to see the scene in front of her, of her little brother and his boyfriend, and deciding to give them some privacy.

“Can you stay the night?” The question had been cautious, tentatively whispered into Jeff’s ear, because Jeremy was almost terrified of being rejected, even though Jeff had never actually given him a reason to believe that he’d reject him. He just couldn’t help it. He’d pressed a few kisses to the other male’s neck, tugging the collar of his shirt down enough to kiss over the hickey he’d left only a few days before, because he was almost always loved leaving secret little marks on Jeff’s skin. Things that he knew only he’d see- or things that other people would only see when Jeff was changing in the locker rooms. His voice and kisses was obvious enough to point to his intentions- he was finally ready to break their cold-turkey stance on sex, because he thought they were enough of a couple to not allow sex to take over their entire relationship.

That night, Jeff had pinned Jeremy’s wrists above his head with a strong grip, and a large part of the Gilbert boy loved it. Loved him. It was the night Jeremy Gilbert told Jeff Atkins that he loved him, in the warm afterglow of sex, tucked under the other male’s arm, his head on his chest and his heart in his throat, terrified of what Jeff might say, but knowing he meant it with his entire being no matter what Jeff’s reaction was.

[settingorange]

do all the evens lmao

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Sometimes!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

Lots of sugar!

6: do you keep plants?

No but I’d like some succulents

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

I don’t express my feelings next question

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

Side

12: what's your favorite planet?

Earth bc all my friends live here

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

First of all, Id love this and its all i want so jot that down. It would probably be kinda messy bc of how i am and also we would have plants and art on the walls. Idk what else id like but also be afraid of a lot of windows

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

Fetuccine alfredo fuck u max goodwin

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

Newsflash asshole everything i do is dumb and nobody lets me live anything down. Altho i cant think of anything atm

20: what's your favorite eye color?

Not blue

22: are you a morning person?

I can be. Im versatile af

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Uh yeah its called every person i know im an open book bitch!!!!

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

Black vans w flamingos on them which i may retire soon :((

28: sunrise or sunset?

im a ho for both but probably sunset

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

Yes.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

I usually am not up that late and i cant think of anything particularly exciting except one time me and Destrie stayed up at our friend Kims grandmas house and watched Epic Rap Battles of History and we were the only people awake

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

Which one i have so many!!! but uhhh there is one that was my favorite for  while and it was a black panther and i named her Midnight and once i got bubblegum on her and we had to cut it out. I still have her around somewhere.

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

The Front Bottoms

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

My roommate clicking her pen

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

I have a spinny ring that I bought at earthbound, its not like, significant but i like it

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop?

Java Haute bc the memories but Vienna here at purdue has a real good spiced chai so... watch out java haute

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

The day we went to the parking garage and lydia and i laid on the ground and looked at the stars

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

They feel a slight precipitation."I think it’s raining," says the man."No, it’s snowing," replies the woman."How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?""Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

A fire burning my house down. No

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

Rubber ducks ig?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

any of the iasip memes tbh

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

Lydia “flavoureddogs” herself...

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

just like, laughs and stuff ik how to explain it but everyones is unique and lso cute

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

Sarahs definitely the vodka aunt but idk who the wine mom woul be??? Me if i werent so opposed to drinking alcohol

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

I love poetry! Annabelle Lee by Edgar Allen Poe and An Etiquette for Eyes by Cate Marvin (Which if you havent heard... Please go listen to Jon Risinger read on soundcloud)

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

Sometimes! Apple or Grape usually

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

dark

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

Lots of little flowers that are v cute

68: what's winter like where you live?

Cold cold cold!! Snowy sometimes!

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

No :/

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

Nope

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

They go to school with me and are one of the prettiest people I know and without them id be dead on the street!!!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

Dam math homework

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

HATE

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

Light blue, yes, because i like it

82: are/were you good in school?

i used to be

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

id like one, maybe some kind of sunflower

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

I do! There are quite a few but I really enjoy Death of a Bachelor and Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

Not particularly i just like art

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Im not sure i have any bc i hate terre haute and i dont know shit about anywhere else

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

so much cheesee

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

Myself hehe

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

ill update my technology when im dead

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

real hiking? I went to turkey run w my squad in the summer so then probably

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

The past bc the future scares me bc things change so often and also i could have a heads up on some shit that goes down

Thanks lyd for this ask it only took me forever to get around to it!!