#i was just talking about something that happened earlier that day to my great aunt

[bradshawsvinyl]

Begin Again Part Three

As a first grade teacher, you couldn’t help but fall for your sweet student and her very attractive Navy fighter pilot father.

part one. part two.

Bradley woke up the next morning feeling hopeful. It had been a long time since he had felt so attracted to someone. He knew you were Tara’s teacher and that both put you in a weird spot but he couldn’t help himself.

After getting Tara ready for school and dropping her off, he made the drive to base. He wanted to talk to Phoenix about what he should do next. Pursuing you could put both him and Tara in an awkward position and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He was Tara’s father before anything else and if starting something with you would be harmful to Tara in any way, he would just have to push his feelings aside.

“Nat,” Bradley called out as he saw her across the hallway.

“Rooster. Hey,” Phoenix replied when she spotted him. “How are things going with the hot teacher?”

“I gave her my number yesterday. She’s helping me out with Tara after school until I get off work.” Bradley said, blushing.

“No way Bradshaw,” Phoenix said excitedly. Phoenix was Bradley’s best friend and at the end of the day, she wanted what was best for him. It had been so long since she had seen Bradley try to pursue a woman for more than one night. She knew his feelings were genuine.

“Yeah,” Bradley said smiling. “I’ve never felt this way before. I barely know her but I just feel a connection. I think she feels it too.”

“You should ask her out.” Phoenix thought out loud.

“No way,” Bradley said while running his fingers through his hair. “I can’t do that. What if she says no? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t ask.” Phoenix said, staring at a distressed Bradley. “Just try. What’s the worst that could happen?”

After his conversation with Phoenix, Bradley started thinking to himself. What was the worst that could happen? If you said no to his advances, he could live with that. It wouldn’t be the end of the world.

As he went to pick up Tara from school, he decided to make a quick trip to the local grocery store to pick up some flowers. He figured it would be a nice gesture regardless of whether you chose to go out with him or not. He truly did appreciate all your help with Tara.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Tara asked as you both sat together and colored.

“No.” You said while coloring a picture of a butterfly.

“My daddy could be your boyfriend.” Tara replied not even looking up from the page she was covering. “He doesn’t have a girlfriend but he tells Aunt Phoenix that he wants one all the time.”

Just as Tara finished her sentence, Bradley knocked on your open door. “Hey ladies.” He said jokingly at the sight of you and Tara.

Tara did her usual routine of running up to Bradley and hugging him while excitedly telling him about her day. You sat back and began cleaning up your classroom and packing up your bag for the day.

Bradley told Tara to start grabbing her belongings while he walked over to you. “I wanted to give these to you.” He said, holding out the flowers he purchased for you earlier. “As a thank you for all your help with Tara. It means a lot.”

You grabbed the flowers and mumbled a quick thank you to Bradley while smiling and blushing.

“I wanted to ask you something too,” Bradley started. “I have a sitter for Tara on Saturday night. There’s a small bar by my house that we could hang out at if you’re interested.” Bradley let out a short breath. The ball was now in your court.

“I’d love to.” You replied a little too quickly.

“Great.” Bradley said. “I’ll text you the details. See you on Saturday,” he said while giving you a small wink. He held Tara’s hand and led her outside of your classroom.

Once he had left, you silently celebrated. Bradley and you were going on a date. You had never felt so excited.

[r1poutmygvtz]

longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

[fraudulent-cheese]

For the ramble prompts, 1. And 7

You're very lucky as i actually have access to my computer currently!!!

I'll pick 7, as i've already seen some people point out the differences between the twins but NO Staci analysis posts!

So. Staci. What the fuck is up with her. Why did she think lying about her family on a consistent basis and not helping in challenges would work? How exactly did that make her think it was the best she could do, to the point she thought she "was doing so well" (quoting her at her own elimination) after that first day?

I think Staci's goal while on the show was to win via social game - or at least, make friends on the show. Her lying could be due to either 1. wanting attention from them, so she started making shit up to make herself look more important or 2. she actually believes what she says and just wants to impress people with her family history. I don't think i can conclusively say which one canon's leaning into? Realistically, her exaggerating her family's achievements is the more likely option, but her actually believing them would be more tragic.

HOWEVER. Just looking at her one episode of content + her audition tape isn't enough. We need to look at her contestant biography.

YEAH IM GOING THERE! If you weren't aware, for the first 5 (6?) seasons of TD as well as TDRR, there were official biographies for every contestant depending on the season, all of which were available on the official (now defunct) Total Drama Website. I'd consider the information featured in all but two of these biographies canon, as they either came from the official website (ROTI + WT), the Teletoon site (TDAS + TDPI) or from Total Drama: Totally Interactive! Im unsure about the canonicity of the Action bios and the TDRR blurbs (because yeah. they're just blurbs. sad.) as they were released only on Cartoon Network's site and the Action bios have... inconsistencies with other sources, let's say.

Thankfully, Staci was lucky enough to be a gen 2 contestant, so she gets the most detailed contestant answers biography model, so i can get alooot more info out of them.

I'll get the smaller observations out first:

In her last answer, she mentions her great-great-aunt Mildred and how she "told the first lie." I could look into how this could be Staci's least favorite relative (as she does seem to value truth/honesty), but also what if that's Blaineley? Her legal name's Mildred after all! It would be really funny! We need more "Staci and her great aunt Mildred" content STAT

She seems to really like pop music

The only answer not related to lying or to her family is the First Job question, instead it's foreshadowing to her elimination

Now, for a larger one: She barely talks about herself in these answers. Sure, she answers the questions, but she spends the vast majority of her time talking about her family instead. She manages to link the fucking Favorite Color and Food question to them! Her love of her family is made very clear here. Knowing about them is literally what she picks out as her Best Quality!

...but only her distant relatives. No mention of closer grandparents, sisters, nephews/nieces, aunts/uncles, and only a single indirect mention of a mother. Only distant, mostly older family members and cousins. And she had to have met some of them! Her Craziest Dream answer describes a dream where her great-great-uncle Charlie was telling her lies, implying they've met and talked before! So where's the mention of her closer family members?

I'd say it's because if those family members are further away, or if they're dead, it's harder to fact-check what she's saying so her peers wouldn't find out it's at best an exaggeration and at worst an outright lie.

I think the answers that show this the most well are the Best Memory and Most Embarrassing School Moment, her presentation on an older family member and realizing the topic was a lie.

This feels like something that would happen earlier in life to me? Maybe primary school level, or even earlier. If she made her entire class project on it, she had to believe in it, right? Despite how absurd that notion is! This indicates to me that Staci was/is very naive, and her love for her family started in childhood. She seems very interested in her own family's history, to the point of exaggerating their accomplishments; maybe her great-great-aunt Lois created a plate design patent or her Great-great-uncle Jason simply looked into the history of the letter E, so either Staci exaggerated them to seem more interesting, or her family members would exaggerate these achievements at family reunions as jokes or something and little Staci just believed them.

Im also unsure on her family being good or not... her Dream Date answer is apparently Richard Nixon because she'd want to learn more about his life, specifically citing that he "reminds [her] of [her] third cousin once removed, Andrew." If you know anything about recent US political history, that is not a good thing. This also shows she has some interest in politics/recent history/other people's lives! This girl does have interests!!!

And this is where i bring up the Favorite Movie answer. The movie it's based on, according to the wiki, is "The Invention of Lying", a 2009 movie. skimming the Wikipedia article, it's a romantic comedy film about a guy with the ability to lie in a world where people can only tell the truth. He first abuses this power for selfish gain but in the romantic resolution decides to not lie to benefit himself and lets his love interest actually choose to be with him.

I think the reason why Staci likes this movie so much is the romantic resolution; this is what she'd want to happen if/when she'd reveal how her family's achievements are either fake or exaggerated to her friends, and they would stay. That she'd get people interested in her with those lies, before actually being honest with them when they're closer... But it never happened with anyone on the show.

TLDR, i need this girl to realise she doesn't need to lie so much about her family for others to like her, as hiding behind masks won't get you any real friends. Something that applies to the majority of the roti girls, actually.

[silverhallow]

Drabble request: how does Benedict earn Amanda and Oliver's trust after they found out he had choked their dad?

How does Sophie help smooth things over with his newest Niece and Nephew?

Family Feuds

Benedict found it rather odd and slightly terrifying as he stood there, in the grounds of his own home, being glared at by two eight year olds… 

Two eight year olds who looked like they were plotting his demise. There was something so startling like Eloise about the twins that had Benedict worried as he moved away from the twins and towards his sister and wife who were talking to one side.

“Hello my love, is everything okay?” Sophie asked as Benedict approached, noticing how he kept glancing over his shoulder.

“Erm… I am not sure. The twins… I don’t think they like me very much” he said

“I am sure that is not true…” Eloise said “they love Charlie and Alex…”

“El, seriously they’re looking at me like they’re plotting my demise…”

“What? I am sure that is not true” Sophie said glancing over at the twins who sure enough were glaring but the moment they saw Sophie looking over, smiled and waved at their new aunt as Benedict replied

“I saw that look enough growing up, especially from Daphne after i lopped the head off her doll”

“Well what did you do to them?” Sophie asked

“Why would you assume it is my fault? But i’ve not done anything to the twins” Benedict said

“Oh… it might not be the twins… They did ask me two days ago if it was true that you choked their dad…” Eloise said a little guilty feeling in her stomach

“And you told them no right? That it was a misunderstanding…”

“Well no… I said you did but it was nothing… but they didn’t say anything more so I assumed…”

“Oh great, so they think I've tried to kill their father?!” Benedict said “no wonder they want to kill me”

“Go talk to them?” Eloise suggested.

“I tried to talk to them earlier but they actually gave me the cut… and whenever i’ve tried since they’ve just walked off…” Benedict said

Sophie sighed “they just need to have it explained, want me to try and talk to them?” 

“Well I probably should do it… but if you want to try… be my guest, no one is able to actually be mad at you so maybe make more sense” Eloise said with a smile 

Sophie rolled her eyes at her sister in law “you Bridgerton’s are all predictable”

“I’m a Crane now” Eloise said, sticking her tongue out rather immaturely.

“Once a Bridgerton…” Sophie said, shaking her head and walking off from her husband and sister-in-law and towards her newest niece and nephew.

“Hello” she smiled at them both “are you enjoying yourselves?” she asked sweetly.

“Yes thank you” Amanda said sweetly, a smile on her face “you have a lovely home and garden”

“Thank you” Sophie replied “we have a little Apple tree just over the way, did Charlie or Alex show you it? They do so like climbing it” she asked

“Oh not yet!” Oliver replied brightly

“Come, i shall show you” Sophie said and started to walk with the twins, figuring it was easier to talk to them and explain what happened out of the way of the rest of the family.

As she walked she pointed out some of the things her sons liked in the gardens and promised that they could come over often to play with them and it was as she pointed out benedict’s art room from the outside, she saw the faces the twins pulled.

“Can I ask, why you pull a face at the mention of Benedict?”

“He hurt our father. He choked him!” Amanda said angrily.

“I know but he didn’t hurt him, it was all just a misunderstanding. He was trying to protect his sister…” Sophie said

“Why?!” Oliver asked “Father didn’t hurt her”

“We know that now, but at the time, they turned up and saw that their sister had a black eye with no explanation. They did not know about you or Amanda. If you saw Amanda with a black eye and no other explanation and only one person who looked like they could be responsible… what would you do?” Sophie asked Oliver “or if it was Oliver…” she said to Amanda.

“I… I would be upset and angry!” Oliver said “I’m the only one allowed to hurt Manda, and even then I’d not punch her…”

“Same” Amanda said

“See so your Uncle Ben thought that your father had hurt his sister, and so he was trying to protect her, they made up and your Uncle Ben, Anthony and Colin all apologised to your father after they realised and it was explained how it happened” Sophie said.

“Oh so they know it was us…” Oliver said sheepishly.

“They know it was an accident and whilst you were trying to prank her you did not mean for her to get hurt as such… and you apologised to Eloise about it and she forgave you”

“After she put a fish in my bed” Amanda said crossly

“Darling, there is something you need to know about the Bridgerton’s… this family… are crazy. If there is a prank to be returned, revenge to be had… they will do it… you will have to ask your Uncle Ben what he did to Aunt Daphne’s doll after she destroyed one of his paint sets… or your Uncle Colin about how he tried to get Eloise back she changed the sugar for Salt…”

“When did she do that?!” Amanda curiously

“The day before he married Penelope” 

The twins gasped “do they all have stories like this?” Oliver asked

“Oh yes, one of their favourites is the time your Aunt Kate bested your Uncle Anthony at Pall Mall”

“What’s that?” Amanda asked

“It’s a game, ask your Aunt Kate about it, trust me, she loves this story and it will give her great pleasure to tell you it” Sophie smiled

“Oooo we will!” Oliver said brightly, the trip to the apple tree all forgotten as they beamed as they spotted Benedict and without saying another word they ran over to him and begged to hear the story of the doll and with a bright smile towards his wife, sat down with his newest family members and regaled them for the rest of the evening with stories of his childhood.

After everyone had turned in for bed he pressed a kiss to Sophie’s lips, whispering his thanks for smoothing things over, especially as the twins declared him their favourite Uncle as they hugged him before they went to join Charles and Alexander in their bedroom for the first of many sleepovers.

[epiemy]

Dick Grayson dating a Brazilian!Fem Reader - Part 1.

Warnings: just cursing

Have fun!

You in all your glory, Y/N da Costa is the niece of Beatriz, popularly known in the heroic world as Fire, the flaming heroine;

in a unique opportunity to get to know another country and escape the flawed government of hers, she decides to live near the headquarters of the company that her aunt helps to lead, Wayne Enterprises in Gotham City;

obviously the move wasn't so easy as his English was a little scratchy and he didn't know anyone, but Beatriz's boss was nice enough to give him a place in his company so that you can work and pay for the new apartment;

the first day in Gotham you already wanted to cry, but the Costa family is not made of losers, so fuck if a car wet you from head to toe, everything will get better, right?

wrong, damn time to spill the beans about how things could get better;

you see, normally you are an optimist but even someone like that gives up after being locked out of your apartment because a floor below yours had caught fire, when another company intern spilled hot coffee on you and now you have to endure a terrible rain ;

in your genius head, it would be a great idea to call your aunt's boss, after all, why not call a billionaire you barely know?

lucky for her Alfred, who found out to be Bruce Wayne's beloved butler, had answered the phone and sent a car to pick her up, after all she would be sick for sure after two hours under the storm that was happening in the city;

upon arriving at the mansion you are welcomed by a man a little older than you, but with a stunning appearance and electric blue eyes, those damn eyes;

oh shit...

"And you!!!" / "You fool!" is said respectively by adonis and by you, when acknowledging that he was responsible for you being soaked before the rain even started;

you changed looks for just over a minute until a clearing is heard inside the mansion, making the beautiful image of Bruce Wayne appear in all its glory in front of you;

"Mr Wayne, it's a pleasure to meet you even if it's not the best of circumstances" you smile at the businessman and he returns it shaking your hand and inviting you in;

"I didn't fail to notice that you've already met my eldest son, Richard-"

"Dick" the boy cuts off Bruce's speech and you mutter a "it suits you" while the older man covers his smile;

"Make yourself at ease Miss Y/N, I have matters to attend to but Dick could show you the mansion while Alfred prepares something to keep you warm" he nods and leaves the room without hearing a response from both;

"Suits me, huh?" Dick smiles and you just roll your eyes - "okay right... I owe you an apology for earlier, I was really in a hurry and didn't notice you on the street until it was late" he admits sheepishly, and it's gratifying seeing a man that size feel so small around you.

tired of so much talk you just ask him to show you his room, he agrees and you go to the next floor of Wayne Manor;

"I think you better buy me a brigadeiro after that" you point and close the door in the confused brunette's face, just shrugging and changing into comfortable clothes that were left on your temporary bed, allowing sleep to lull you lightly.

[thepaintedlady00]

I've got another Morpheus and Daughter!Reader request that can be a prequel or sequel to the previous one. I hope it's good: Morpheus struggles to give his daughter the birds and bees talk. Desire offers to help but Morpheus is reluctant to let them until his daughter says something along the lines of "Please let my aunt-uncle help and put aside your issues with them for a few minutes for my sake!". Desire actually winds up explaining it well seeing as they have a lot of experience when it comes to sexual things.

Okay this concept has me LAUGHING! Dream having to turn to Desire for this is just golden!

"Father," you called out as you exited the library with the book in your hand.

"Yes, dear one?" He answered from the throne room. "Do you need something?"

"I have a question." You held the book out to him and pointed. "What is sex?"

Dream practically choked on his words as he looked at the book and quietly asked, "Why are you reading this?"

You shrugged. "It looked interesting. I enjoy the story, but parts of it are confusing."

"What parts?"

"Well the ones with these words: sex, penetration, co-"

"That is enough reading for the day!" He answered quickly. "Why don't you go for a walk?"

You sighed but did as he suggested while the great king sought out Lucienne to demand to know why you'd been allowed access to such books. The librarian calmly reminded him that you were of age and that she could not possibly bar you from reading what you wished. And so the endless being of greater power than any could know, sought out out late in the evening with a gentle knock on your door.

"Dear one?" He called out.

"Come in," you answered.

He quietly sat down beside you with a heavy breath. "I apologize for my curt response earlier. Your questions are normal, and I would like to answer them for you." You waited patiently for him to continue. But the longer he sat there looking at you... at his precious little girl, he found himself unable to find the right way to go about it.

Instead, he offered to answer your questions the following day, which led him to his gallery, holding his sibling's sigil and grumbling the words. Desire smiled through the glass. "What a surprise! Do tell me what I can help you with, big brother."

"My daughter has some questions," Dream said.

"Answer them then."

"Questions about..." He sighed. "About intimacy."

Their laughter echoed in his ears. "Ohhh I see, our little flower is getting ready to have her petals plucked."

He growled. "That is not what is happening!"

"Send her to me tomorrow and I'll handle it."

"Desire-"

"Fret not, big brother, I'll be as boring as I can be."

He hated this idea, but he feared he'd only confuse you more. So, first thing in the morning you joined Desire in their realm and listened to them as they spoke on what they called "the birds and the bees". You left with the knowledge you wished and surprisingly enough you assured Dream that you'd had fun.

"You had fun?"

You nodded. "Yes, Desire made learning very easy! They should teach more."

Dream's brows furrowed. "So you have no more questions?"

"Not at the moment," you answered. "Is something the matter?"

"No," he answered, shaking his head. "I suppose there isn't."

You hugged him for a quick moment. "Thank you for helping me, Father."

He kissed your head. "Always, my dear one."

[casketscratch]

There is so much happening with my family that any time I try to sit down and put words to it, my brain just stalls. Tires stuck in the mud and going nowhere while you hit the gas kind of feeling.

Content warnings for way too much writing, way too much writing about my own family, grief, child abuse, denial, suicide threats (not mine, just mention of someone else's), cocsa, sorry if I missed any but consider it a dumping ground.

My maternal grandad passed away earlier this year. As my sister put it: my dad sucked, my stepdad sucked, and he was really the only one in the family who you'd call fatherly. I haven't cried about it. I haven't missed him. I haven't felt anything except nothing. Which I also know isn't true, because when I went to see him in the hospital for the last time (knowing it would be the last time), we dissociated so severely in the car on the way home that we split. So there was something there! And now it's gone.

Since he passed, my grandma moved in with my aunt, who couldn't cope. She's... I don't know. I try to be compassionate. I try to be understanding. I know this aunt endured a lot of abuse, and as a kid there was always some crisis revolving around her mental health. Not to be dismissive -- there was a stalker that her mom/my grandma enabled, she was assaulted as a teenager and never got the help she needed, her parents were genuinely neglectful in a lot of ways. My grandma in particular.

I don't really want to get into the weeds about her because it's not the point. The point is that the entire family has suffered for years because she basically sucks the rest of us dry. Even as a little kid, I couldn't ask my family for help or tell them anything because there was always a crisis going on that revolved around her problems.

After a few weeks of living with my grandma, she messaged a bunch of us basically saying that we needed to relocate my grandma for 4 weeks because my aunt needs space to "work on herself." i.e., she's finally taking therapy seriously but only has 4 sessions left because This Fucking Province.

Which... great, because in the lead-up to that e-mail, a lot of us had been talking about learning how to set boundaries as a family, supporting her without constantly rearranging our lives and bankrupting ourselves to pay her rent and bills, about not walking on eggshells because if she gets upset then she'll disappear for hours and vaguepost about suicide. She's in her 50's and it just sets my teeth on edge because I have been catering to her wellbeing my whole life, at my own expense. My sister, too. She had a whole crying breakdown the last time we saw each other because she'd had no room or time to grieve, or take care of her own kids, because she's sort of terrified (I think) that she'll fail to show up for my aunt one day and then be the reason my aunt kills herself. And to some extent I think our entire immediate family acts this way. It's not sustainable anymore.

Which is something I finally expressed to my mom. Whose basement I am living in after having to quit my job, flee the city I was in, etc. You know. Actual crisis, life or death shit. (This is also the aunt who, when I told her I'd been dx'd with DID, thinking she was maybe the one person in the family who'd understand it as someone who's openly lived with CPTSD and talks about it a lot, told me that "just because doctors say you have something, doesn't mean you do" and that was the end of that).

So my grandma is now living with us for four weeks so my aunt can "have space" by entirely upending her grieving mother's life and kicking her out with only a few days notice.

And, like, there is a lot wrapped up in my feelings about my aunt. There's a kind of fucked up survivor's guilt, right? I'm the "good" victim who's "doing the work," it feels like. Somehow I'm more stable despite going through what I did as a kid. Somehow I'm more self-aware and can actually do the work and try to put myself back together. Somehow, somehow, somehow. (It's the DID. Look at us go.)

And there's an endless tug-of-war between trying not to victim blame her, and... just being fucking honest. She's manipulative. She's poisoning the relationships a lot of us worked really hard to heal. No, it's not okay or normal to send us messages about how she's trying to remove some component of her car so she can fill it with exhaust. No, it's not okay to kick your widowed mother out with no notice after committing to living with her and we all pitched in around the clock to make it happen. No, it's not okay to turn around 8 weeks later and reverse course entirely, while trying to talk us into continuing to help pay for a 2 bedroom apartment all to yourself now, or whatever. No matter what happened to her, none of that is okay!

What's gutting me is how much my mom agreed with me, and how hard she's reversed course. I was honest weeks ago, explaining to her that my aunt has always done this -- and my mom... isn't not helping her, but is more invested in helping me. She helped me paint my room last weekend because the wall colours would trigger me so badly that I was dissociating and carving "fix it" into the paint, because they were the same colour as one of the rooms I was y'know, [redacted] in as a kid.

She's recommitted to helping me with therapy and showing up and not leaving me hanging for months. She plainly said that she does not want my aunt to interfere with my recovery, that she's spent HER whole life taking care of her younger sister like this, and can now see the toll it had on her own family/kids, and it's not okay.

I don't know what to do with this. I really don't. Mostly I feel guilty knowing a lot of people in my situation don't get that kind of help, too. My mom was mostly not around when I was a kid because she was in school and working full time -- we were living with this aunt, and my grandparents, so they more or less collectively ignored raised me. My mom truly had no idea about the abuse and trafficking, and has been so helpful this last year. I grew up bitter and angry at her, but a lot of the work early on in my trauma shit was realizing that I was (I am so ashamed to type this for some reason, even if it's kind of just facts) really just brainwashed by my dad's side of the family against her. It's complicated.

So, okay, right? My aunt is a lot, but it's something I spoke to my therapist about, he helped me with boundaries and encouraged me to focus on my own stuff, because my aunt is the sort of person who... no matter how many times you show up, it won't change her. You just keep showing up until you're drained, and she moves on to the next person.

My grandma, on the other fucking hand.

Couldn't be here 48 hours before she was sitting down and bringing up the kids I grew up with. The ones whose parents were also involved in the same trafficking rings. She has no idea; she will never have any idea. She is so, so insistent on seeing only the good in people that it has ruined this family, it feels like. She enabled her daughter's stalker. She defended my mom's rapist/my sister's biodad because there must have been some good in him (he fled the country on suspicion of murder and my sister is working with the RCMP about it, but never mind that part either). She continued to be friends with my stepdad after I told her what he'd done. She chided me for going no contact with my biodad because "he always gave such nice gifts."

She started talking about those kids, anyway. And about how one of them was just a Bad Kid, malicious and evil at 8 years old, or whatever. She would babysit the neighbourhood kids after school, so there were often a bunch of them over at our place. She was talking about how one afternoon someone turned the knobs on the barbecue outside, turning the gas on, and she almost lit a cigarette before smelling it and nearly blew herself up. Clearly on purpose!

My mom interjected to be like, that's just kids playing with knobs and things, and I cut in with... she was a really abused kid at home. She wasn't bad, her family was horrific, and I left it at that. And my grandma?

"Oh, but their house was always so clean, I can't believe that!"

Which mostly felt like I was smacked across the face, and I think Stephan fronted, because I heard myself say something like, "what the fuck does that have to do with anything?" and then it's a lot of fog.

My mom even pointed out how this friend would often have to borrow my pants because she wet herself so often, and how that was a sign of CSA, and it just didn't matter to my grandma. My friend was just "lazy."

Anyway, "It's just so unbelievable" there were so many "bad" kids on that block, what a coincidence! So weird how many of us are addicts now, or just dead, when she was friends with all our parents and they were all the greatest people! Haha, how does that happen!

And I saw in that moment just how impossible it would have been for me to ask for help, let alone get it. Nothing can be wrong around her. She needs the world to be perfect, hunky-dory, everyone is good, and it left so many of us wide open to abuse. My aunt included. Myself included. And I kind of see where my aunt developed her constant crisis mode, because only life or death will get through to my grandma -- and even then, not really.

Like. She has singlehandedly facilitated or enabled abuse of most of her family because she refuses to admit people can be bad (and there's the urge to be like... but she's like that for a reason, and deserves sympathy, and surely that means what she did is understandable, and etc.).

I just foresee myself spending a lot of the next 4 weeks in the basement avoiding all of this because we just started doing the real trauma work in therapy, we just started reconnecting with the rage and processing it, and it's like oh god no shove it all back in the box because our aunt said we have to so our grandma will be taken care of!

Fuck that. She can't make it down the stairs and I have a refuge in that. And my room is painted my favourite colours now, I never want to leave it anyway! (It's a very dark navy blue with deep turquoise on one wall.)

Just. It's a lot. It's a lot, a lot, a lot, and I keep compartmentalizing or forgetting why I'm so tired, and so at my wit's end, and none of these are even my problems to deal with in the first place. Maybe that's callous? Maybe not. But either way she sat on my couch, defended several of my traffickers while I tried to point out that they were in fact abusive people, and doubled down about it, and I really don't feel obligated to cater to that anymore!

I'm kind of really proud of myself for this one, actually? It has taken a LOT to get here.

[callipraxia]

Just remembered one of my more developed original fantasy ideas. Since I’m not terribly likely to ever write it, figure I might as well talk about it, get it out of my system.

Once upon a time, in the distant times of the early 1960s, there were three siblings: a girl, Elinor, and her two younger siblings, a boy and another girl. They lived quietly somewhere in rural (never really settled, somewhere mountainous on the East Coast and probably the South, since that’s the land I know in real life) and were expected to live and die in their little town just like all the generations before them. Or at least, that was the expectation before one day, they all three seemingly vanished into a clear blue sky.

Investigations, such as could be done at the time, were made. Dozens of people fell under suspicion. The town nearly tore itself apart in a paranoid frenzy. But nobody ever found the kids or even any bones that could remotely have ever belonged to them, so finally, things started to move on. The parents of these three missing children even had a new child. That child was still in diapers when, as abruptly as she had disappeared, Elinor was found wandering in the mountains, still wearing the dress she’d gone missing in, which was somehow still in perfect condition. It also still fit perfectly, because somehow, even though a few years had passed, Elinor didn’t appear to have aged a day.

Obviously, there was instantly a new frenzy as people tried to figure out where she had been and what happened to her brother and sister. However, Elinor remained mute for months, and when she finally did start talking again and stopped trying to sneak out of her house to get back to the mountains, she claimed she had no memory of anything that had happened. She didn’t know how or why she had disappeared, she didn’t know where her brother and sister were, and she didn’t even know if they were still alive. Her mind, she insisted, was blank as a smooth rock on everything concerned with that subject.

Obviously, in a small town, this just made the rumors worse. A lot of people thought she must have murdered her brother and sister; the more superstitious in the community remembered how she had still looked the same even though that shouldn’t have been possible, and there were mutters about a deal with the devil, even as we progressed into more modern times. There was no chance the town was ever going to really accept her back as a full member. Fortunately, though, this suited Elinor just fine. She’d been known as a bright and highly compliant girl before, but now she was apparently consumed with a most unfeminine ambition; as soon as she finished high school in 1975, she was off to college, and not to study to be a teacher or secretary or something respectable for a girl like that. The crazy girl was determined to become rich, and not just by marriage.

Flash forward to the present day. Elinor succeeded in her quest to become rich, and is now an old lady and a noted philanthropist. Only the family even vaguely remembers the old tale about her going missing as a girl and reappearing without her siblings - at least, without the two siblings she had before she disappeared. Remember that baby her parents had under the assumption their older children were all dead? That kid grew up and had a pretty standard That Town life, marrying relatively young, having kids, and then having grandkids - two boys and a girl. Grandkids who, for no apparent reason, Great-Aunt Elin invites to her mansion for the summer vacation.

Obviously they go, great opportunity to suck up to their rich auntie and all, but they learn more and more about the old mystery of what happened to her and their other aunt and uncle all those decades ago. Including how this mansion is built practically on top of the spot where Elinor was found wandering around mute all those years earlier. The youngest, who is the family cynic, feels like he and his brother and sister are being manipulated somehow, but his brother is a daydreamer perfectly happy to believe life works like a storybook and their sister is too practical to believe in silly things like ghost stories and conspiracies. So on they go until one day, they fall through a hole in reality somehow and find themselves not in the cave they were daring each other to explore a minute earlier, but instead surrounded by guys on horses, who immediately all fall to their knees and start thanking the gods for sending them.

They are all pop culture savvy and cynical enough to worry for a moment that they are about to become human sacrifices, but that, the leader of the men explains, isn’t the case at all. He is named Harald, and his father is the current ruler of the land. Harry here, however, will not succeed his elderly father on the throne, because that’s just not how it is done here. Instead, every generation, the gods send a triumvirate of new rulers from another world just before the last of the old regime dies. Usually, these are sibling sets, and usually there is a pattern - just as these kids are a sister and two brothers, Harry’s father, when he was teleported here as a boy, was a brother with two sisters. However, Harry’s aunt Sylvia is dead, and his other aunt apparently died unusually young, and the whole kingdom had been getting…nervous…as time went on with no successors appearing at the ancient site where successors always appear. Harry’s father had made the unorthodox choice, in the absence of his second sister, to treat his wife (even having a formal one made him somewhat unusual) as the second queen in all but name, and the people were getting worried that if the old man died, Harry’s mother might try to establish a traditional, father-to-son succession, which the people think would bring down the wrath of their gods.

Our modern protagonists think this all sounds insane and absurd (even the daydreamer, a little, even though he’s the most willing to be convinced), but they figure they have no better options right now than playing along, since these guys all have weapons and the three of them have a distinct lack of weapons. So they are taken to meet the current king, who is a seemingly very normal old man who tells them that he’s sorry for them because this job sucks, but he’s kind of relieved that their arrival means he can die in a few years, once they have the basics of ruler ship down, and be done with it all. Maybe even see his own family from his old world in the afterlife. He misses his parents still, not to mention his two sisters, so dying has its advantages from his point of view.

Cue a disturbance as someone else shows up - specifically, the kids’ Great-Aunt Elin. Who greets the king by name, then demands to know where he’s hiding her sister. This is because the king is, well…her little brother. The one who disappeared along with her, but who didn’t come back. He’s these kids’ long-lost great-uncle, and while the other sister-queen did really die recently here in this alternate reality, the other sister didn’t. She was Elinor all along, somehow yeeted back into her home dimension years earlier and now back, trying to rescue her niece and nephews.

And that’s as far as I got with it.

[aronarchy]

nearing the end of S2 of the handmaid’s tale and (have a lot of stress going on rn so not going to go in depth wrt my thoughts about the last few episodes but) i’m thinking back to the canada arc earlier in the season and how the show identified exposés of fascists’ crimes as what is needed to gain progress for freedom movements (i.e. the letters being uploaded being positioned as some sort of great salvation, igniting “new” progress that could not have happened before)

the plot runs on several contradictions—here it’s that (excellent) scene where the Mexican government official admits she knows about the abuse of handmaids but doesn’t value stopping it more than she values reproductive labor extraction; then we pivot to jarring scenes where The Horrors were somehow “unknown,” and if only they (governments/middleclass populace) knew then they would Do Something

and, ???

(and before you complain—no, it wasn’t just a depiction not endorsing; showrunners were clearly playing it straight, and actually believed in that premise as true, as the results came out as a liberal would have predicted—which, in fact, is not how things go down in any sort of real life; they know, they know, they already know, they already know how bad it is, the news has been widely accessible for decades, centuries, and they still don’t care, they start and end with the same values)

while watching I was also reminded of Atwood’s The Testaments (2019 book sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale) which I’d read when I was thirteen or so and I still don’t remember too much about it, but I remember very clearly that that story also hinged strongly on a premise of “she escaped with Evidence and let the govt find out The Truth About The Atrocities which made her a hero who accomplished a downfall” which felt a bit odd to me even then (was in the middle of a lib phase) because, well, wouldn’t they have already known? how could they not already know? why is knowing so transformative? (logic goes, “this new info matters because now they’ll act on it” ← “they were not acting previously, because they didn’t have the info”—requires that they have the power to succeed so long as they try to in the first place.) this is obviously silly, but liberals genuinely believe this, because the truth is perhaps a bit too unpleasant. (also remembering The Testaments’ portrayal of Aunt Lydia, agreeing with her view of herself as legitimately subversive and heroic and ultimately a force for good—and also some of that which the show is slipping in, those scenes w/tears & feels which seem(?) to me to be played straight)

(I found it difficult to believe that the average person would genuinely buy that but also [abuser] sitting next to me watching rained praises on Lydia (“[see?] at the end of the day she’s just human [too]!!”) and also how Atwood and nearly all of the literary media coverage of Testaments (that I’ve found so far) have talked about Lydia (“Deep New Revelations that she’s Just Human and More Nuanced Than We’d Thought!!”) and w/that maybe what I read from the show as insightful critiques of liberal idealism wrt abusers/misogynists (i.e. “see? abusers DO keep abusing after even if they have a few nice moments, this is a great illustration of how the cyclical dynamic/false niceness works, learn from this, abuse bad”) are actually things the show unintentionally stumbled into, because they DO see the world as is, they DO know the violence is there and know the free-marketplace-of-ideas premises are fake, they just don’t think that actually makes it a bad thing)

(developing a cohesively anarchist analysis of feminist struggle over the past few years has clarified a lot of my cog dissonance from earlier days and I’m much angrier now but also a lot clearer)

I’m also thinking about the scenes where ex-US/US government in exile are portrayed as heartwarming, uwu, revolutionary, what we need; similar for the Freedom Liberty Light Hope aesthetics of the refugee introduction to Canada scene and how ultimately the show pinpoints liberal democracy as the freedom/liberation we need, portraying liberalism (allowed to run its course “without interference”/“naturally”/“as it should”) = enough to prevent fascism, nudging the viewer towards embracing “US returns” as what would be A Happy Ending. Consistently handwaving away how liberal states are fascist enablers. That if things simply “go back to how they were” then in another couple decades/centuries you would have yet another hurtle towards fascism because fundamentally liberalism cannot ever be enough to effectively stop the tide. and it makes me sad that bc of the limitations in perspective of these showrunners/authors the stories of the victims/marginalized who “fall through the cracks” (so to speak) (i.e. who prove that halfway-support does fail them, w/ devastating consequences) cannot have the spotlight/be centered.

(waterford visit to canada scene was fucking infuriating, don’t just stand there you know full fucking well he’s going to rape and abuse if he gets home throw some rocks light his fucking car on fire fucking please)

[toournextadventure]

So the general thought of having siblings to me:

As I said I have a single mum so even when I was little and friends would say their getting a little brother or sister it never felt like something that could or would happen so I never thought about it as everyone who did have siblings had 2 parents if that makes sense.

It was never something I wanted either, I was more then comfortable with it just wing me and my mum and I would hate to have a sibling. I've literally had nightmares about it in the past (ik it sounds silly but a few times I have) where there's been a younger child and I've been forgotten about. Even if everything else was the same I would dislike it cause I (no offence to anyone) hate babies and toddlers, like I babysit kids sometimes but only ones older then like 4 or 5 cause babies just annoying me, all they do is cry, look weird and the idea of changing nappies is disgusting.

Also as u mentioned cousins, I have 2 cousins one is literally a day older then me, same year. I feel like we would've been really close considering age if it weren't for their parents. When we were little they would never let anyone but them hold him and he went round our grandparents and nannys(great grandmother) house way less often then me even tho we both lived pretty close. Therefore I would only see him if we happend to go round grandparents house on the same day and at Christmas, he didn't even have birthday parties. He has autism which my aunt and uncle denied until he was about 6ish even though all of the family could tell and told them to get Jim diagnosed so they could manage it better and help him since we were toddlers (part of the reason they could tell was our age meant they could see I was learning to walk, talk ect earlier then him and the general way he would act compare to other kids) he is in a autism specific school now and it has definitely helped him alot, were not super close and he doesn't talk much when we see them (we moved to the other side of the country so only see when visiting grandparents) but you can tell he is fond of us(why does that sound weird) he just shows affection a different way. It's just that even without his autism he was very closed off by his parents and we aren't as close as we could've been.

Sorry that's quite long

🗡

No, but that makes perfect sense though. Like, that's all so totally valid and makes total sense

And see, I'm Southern, we always have big families. My mom has 3 siblings, my grandmother had 7 siblings and 3 step-siblings. Like, we have huge families

But total honesty, that's still so interesting to me to hear from small family people. And I don't mean in a condescending way, it's just genuinely fascinating to me because it's hard to imagine not having literal dozens of cousins and family members, so it's just so foreign to hear it from people with small families

[not-walking69]

here’s my follow up post about erykah badu. So random for a fanfic account, but it everything has layers, like an onion.

Erykah Badu is an insanely talented storyteller, because she can do it in such a way that tells you what’s happening outside of herself, inside herself, and she makes it sound so fucking good. What especially sets her apart from other artists I’ve heard do this is the fact that my parents, aunts, uncles etc bump to that shit and regard it as a classic without even knowing exactly what it means. that’s just how good it sounds.

Take Bag Lady for example. Everyone knows that little guitar riff, which was sampled from xxplosive, a notorious hip hop song. the way the riff sounds so natural in a song that’s so earthy and full of soul is crazy, but that’s just an extra bonus! the song opens with “Bag lady, you gon’ hurt your back/Draggin’ all them bags like that” this simply sounds like a fun jab, but as the song unfolds, the listening ear can find that erykah is not simply talking about a woman carrying a ton of bags. She’s talking about a woman carrying emotional BAGGAGE! “Oh when someone hurts you so bad inside/You can’t deny it, you can’t stop crying” here, Erykah clearly states what she means by “bags”.

Just after, Erykah tells the woman that if the woman simply begins breathing again, she’ll feel so much better, which can be seen as a call back or a clarification of “pack light”, which she says earlier in the song. In the outro of the song, Erykah tells the woman that love can make it better. In other words, if she could let go of her baggage from the past, she will allow someone else in to help heal her wounds that she just can’t let go of.

The best part of this all, is that YOU DIDNT NEED ME TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS! it’s all in the song if you just listen. I didn’t draw any conclusions, just restated what Erykah says in the song. but here’s the thing, you don’t even have to listen to the words. Listen to the melody and rhythm of the song.. I don’t know many people who wouldn’t like such a song that flows so nicely. the song doesn’t need its strong lyricism to carry it, and THATS why it’s so great. the end. Love you all.

(sorry if that made no sense. I’ve been working on college apps all day and my brain is fried, but it made me happy to write about something I’m passionate about, rather than what colleges I’ve attended while in hs lmao. have a good night.)

[amandamgsblog]

Chapter 10 - Problems and Confessions

THIS IS SUCH A SPECIAL CHAPTER! AHHHHH!

Amanda's POV

Half an hour later, I get home.

Amanda: I've just arrived, Rossy. I miss you already. Have a good night.

Ross: Great. I miss you too. Good night and call me if you need anything… Remember what I told you. Don't be sad, okay?

Amanda: Yes, I'll call you. I won't be sad, I promise.

I smile and lock my smartphone.

— So… How was it?

— Just two best friends having fun after a hard week. Nothing much happened.

I hide my smile. My mother noticed that I would come home sad almost every night. So, a while ago, I told her about the bullying and about my friends. She really likes Ross and insinuates that we're in love. If she only knew…

— While you were out, I thought I'd make an appointment with Priscilla. I'm really concerned.

— This girl has nothing else to do. She gets jealous and takes it out on me. - I roll my eyes and tell her about my afternoon. I take my medication and go to bed laughing, remembering the almost-kiss.

A few days later…

My mother, grandmother, who had arrived yesterday, and I went to the hospital to visit Uncle Rogério. We let Grandma spend more time with her brother, since they hadn't seen each other for ten years. After two and a half hours, my mom and I entered the room.

— What a scare you gave us, Uncle.

— Ah, Mel, age is coming, but I'm much better. - He gets up and hugs my mother. — Amanda! Look at your size. Are you doing well in 7th grade?

I laugh and hug him gently.

— I'm already at college, Uncle. How are you?

— College? I remember you when you were two years old, grabbing my hand, taking me to your living room and teaching me how to record The Teletubbies on VHS.

— Oh, no, Uncle! Then you'll give away my age! - I laughed and my mother and I chatted with him for a while. A nurse arrives to give him some medicine and we say goodbye.

— I think we'd better go, Uncle. - My mother says.

— Amandita, when I get out of here, you'll come to my house to see your aunt, we'll go for a walk around the pound, go jogging, go to your aunt Tereza's place.

— Oh, Uncle, I'd love to. - I get emotional and hug him. At the end of the hug, there's a tightness in my chest, along with the feeling that this is goodbye.

Thursday came and I woke up in a bad mood, anxious, with a feeling that something really bad was going to happen today. My head wasn't in the Earth. I dropped things, forgot Lola in her little spot, forgot an assignment. It's not my day. And to make matters worse, another argument. I got angry because of the noise and left the room, trying to push Thalita into her room and end the argument.

A very bad choice, as I was wearing socks and my mother had just finished mopping the floor. I pushed my sister and slipped, falling and hurting myself. Still angry with my sister, I rushed at her, only for her to push me forward, causing me to fall again.

I pretended I wasn't in pain, had lunch, waited for the van and went to college. During the first period of classes, I wasn't feeling well. My head was spinning, the voice of the pair of teachers was disturbing, sometimes I had to put my head down and breathe. I don't know if it was the pain, the anxiety or both.

Aunt Tereza: Hi, Mel. I've just spoken to Renato and he said that Rogério had a heart attack and the doctors are rescueing him. Let's pray that everything goes well.

My phone vibrates and I see the message. My eyes blur with tears. He was doing so well!

Amanda: Hi, Aunt, it's Amanda. You sent it to the wrong number. I'm sorry, I'll talk to my mom.

— Amanda, what happened? Are you feeling sick? - Alice ignores the class and faces me.

— Yes. I-I just need to be alone for a bit. I can't bear it…

I was already crying and I apologized to the teachers and left the room the way I could.

Narrator's POV

After Amanda left, her friends and her teachers were worried.

— Poor thing, what happened? - The teacher asked. The other brunette, who was at Amanda's desk earlier, picks up her friend's phone and sees the last message.

Alice was about to run to find her friend when Ross stopped her:

— Alice, let me go. I'm as desperate as you are!

— No, I'm her best friend!

— I'm her best friend too! FUCK! - Ross shouts. — DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH HER?!

— That's what I wanted to hear. Finally! Go!

Ross ran and looked for her under their tree. She wasn't there, so he went back and looked in the cafeteria. She was sitting at a table, her head down, sobbing and shaking.

He carefully went over to her and hugged her from behind, kissing her neck to calm her down.

— Hey, honey, it's me… Calm down, it'll be all right.

— I feel like crap… Everything's going wrong today. - She was shaking.

He sits down and looks at her.

— Don't you want to go somewhere else and we talk? - They hold hands and they walk to the garden.

— I'm sorry for just crying, it's because I went to the hospital to see my uncle and I thought everything was fine, but it's not. And I had a fight with my sister and I fell, and then she pushed me and I'm all sore.

She shows the bruises and Ross is startled. He runs his fingers over her legs and knees.

— Oh my God… Amanda, you should have told me!

— How can I, when my uncle has just had a heart attack?! - She's angry and crying.

— I… Oh, shit… I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have-

— You didn't know it. I was already sick with pain and when I got the message from my aunt, I couldn't bear it…

— Come here. - They lean against the Ipê tree. — I can't leave you like this. Your sister was a bitch, pushing you to make you fall and hurt yourself. If I could take away your pain, I would.

— That's very sweet, but it's not the most important thing. My uncle was fine, we talked, we made plans for when he got out of hospital and today-

— I know it hurts. - He hugs her tighter. — But think that he was happy about the visit. You couldn't have predicted that this would happen.

— I felt like it was goodbye…

Ross is sad, but he speaks:

— The right thing for him now is to be positive and not let this fear consume you. It's going to be okay. I'm here with you. - He wipes away her tears and holds her face gently. — Can I be honest?

He looks deep into her eyes.

— Of course. - She smiles a little and puts her hand over his.

— I was really scared when I saw you like this. I couldn't leave you in this condition. I even had an argument with Alice about who was going to come and help you, because as we're closer, I felt that you would need me…

— And you weren't wrong, haha. - Amanda laughs and Ross feels a little relieved.

— I have to tell you something I've been keeping to myself for a while, but I don't know how you're going to react… I just want you to know that we're still going to be best friends, no matter what. I couldn't let the girl I like so much suffer like that. You're very important to me a-

— You're very important to me too, Ross. I really like you too. - She kisses him on the cheek and smiles. He smiles and takes her hands.

— Amandita, you're not understanding… I like-like you. I'm in love with you.

— What? You are kidding me.

— I thought you liked me too, but from the way it seems-

— That's not it! - She says in frustration. — Why me, Ross? There are so many better, prettier, smarter girls who are going to be successful, and you choose me? Me?

— You're everything I want in a girl… I've wanted to kiss you since the day I asked you to stay close. I just didn't know it at the time. My feelings grew, I was afraid of hurting you if we dated, so I denied to myself that I was in love.

— Awn, baby… I denied it a lot too. - They touched foreheads.

— Until on Saturday I couldn't stand it any longer and went to kiss you, if Clara hadn't interrupted, ugh!

— Hahaha, I would have let you, I wasn't going to stop you at any point. I'm in love with you too, Ross Lynch.

— And I'm in love with you, Amanda Gomes. - They moved closer again, never breaking the intense eye contact. — C-Can I kiss you?

— Do you still ask? I just don't know how to kiss and I'm afraid of looking stupid…

— Just relax and close your eyes.

She soon felt Ross's lips touch hers for a while and tried to open her mouth to deepen the kiss. She felt on cloud nine, grabbing his face and jawline gently. They ended the kiss laughing.

— My first kiss! Finally! And with someone I'm in love with and it's mutual!

— My angel, I'm very much in love with you and I've been thinking… Will you be my girlfriend?

That took Amanda by surprise. There were so many things happening in such a short space of time.

— Easy, tiger, easy… That's a lot happening at once! - She laughs. — At least we can go on a first date?

— It's booked, then. Can it be on Saturday?!

Amanda rolls her eyes at his cuteness and she smiles.

— Yes, my idiot baby… - They laugh.

On the way back to the classroom, she took some juice and the pain medication. They spent some time on a bench, sharing some kisses and quick pecks. She was feeling better. Everything was going to be fine, and the guy she likes likes her too. They went back to the class and smiled. Only they knew the secret.

[swampndn]

Something is in the air. Time for a lil dear diary post.

So I've been going through it. Like THROUGH it the past 2 years, well 7 years technically. But really, it's been the past 9 months or so as the worst of it. This week in particular has not been great.

Part of what I've been having to do and really think about this past week is what is it I actually want for me. And also coming to terms with the very bad reasons why I don't know and I've been struggling to figure that out. We got trauma, people. All kinds.

Well, in my brooding, I've landed on some core reasons why all of that is my unfortunate reality, and one of them is the abuse I recieved from my older sister (and mother, but this ain't about her tonight). I haven't spoken to my sister in over 2 years after she caused the preventable death of my aunt who was more of my mother than my mother ever was. Naturally, I've been angry about that (on top of all the shit she's said and done to me since I was brought home from the hospital until I moved across the country).

But earlier today, I got a phone call from my nieces and nephew. My nephew told me that their mom got engaged. I didn't text my sister or say anything about it because ya know, I don't talk to her.

Well, at 2am I get a text from her telling me that she's engaged, and she asked if I could come to her engagement party in October because she really wants me to be there. (Eventually, she told me the truth that they're going to surprise everyone with their actual wedding that day because they don't want people to meddle in the details and whatnot. Mad respect because her first wedding was a mess because of people, mainly my mother, being insufferable. But she told me not to tell anyone, which not a problem because again, I don't speak to the majority of the family at this point.)

Anyway, I talked to her for over an hour. Honestly, she had such a sense of peace that I've never experienced from her before, and she wasn't just civil towards me, but actually said nice things. I don't know who the hell that woman was talking to me because it sure as hell wasn't the sister I know. She told me about how her fiancé was the best thing to have happened to her, how she's been in therapy, how she went back to school with a plan to actually get a degree, and how her kids are even in therapy too.

She didn't apologize to me (and Creator knows that she got a long list), and we didn't really talk about anything super deep. However, I'm still shocked, and I'm emotional about it. But it felt healing in a way even though there wasn't any deep drenching up of shit - and there's some SHIT that probably needs drenching.

I didn't tell her about what I've been going through. Not yet. I don't know if I will. However, I think I'm partially feeling like a hope that maybe one day I could and maybe, just maybe, have some support from her. I don't know though. I know better than to get too optimistic. However, part of me is experiencing a different kind of grief tonight.

It's just been hard. I'm so alone in a lot of this. Nearly all of this. And I really don't want to be anymore.

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee

[madigoround]

Issue one: my great aunt (grandma’s sister) (there was a time I was very close to this aunt because she let me come live with her when I got away from my parents) had some weird blood test results earlier in the week and then Friday she was diagnosed with leukemia (aml to be exact) and the reason she was having those blood tests in the first place is that she already wasn’t healthy and was supposed to have gastric bypass surgery at the end of the year for her health cause she’s like close to 400 pounds I think so that makes her treatment options even less viable because she’s already not in a decent health place, she’s also 62 and apparently the chances of someone over 60 living with aml five years past their diagnosis is like 28%. Currently she can’t be transferred anywhere that isn’t by ambulance or medivac helicopter because her blood pressure or blood sugar or something is dangerous and needs to be monitored.

Issue two: said great aunt lives in Florida and other than a few friends she doesn’t have a whole lot of supports down there, all her family is here but now she’s only talking to like two of us when she feels like it and is kind of just shutting down instead of talking with us and giving information about her possible treatments and she has like six cats (maybe 7 she gets them so often it’s hard to keep up) and a house and a job and isn’t making any moves to handle any of it and is instead asking my grandma to come down to Florida to take care of her (my grandmother has had blood cancer for years but my great aunt has never offered to take care of her 👀) and earlier in the week my grandma got some less than great health news too so she really needs to be resting but instead she’s making moves to go down to Florida for a few weeks to figure out what is happening with her treatment and help take care of her. I am catching fire at work and was punished for taking a family emergency day earlier in the week for my grandmas health thing. I am completely powerless to actually help in this situation and instead am just doing a bunch of research in case I can find something that will help but it’s all bad news

[timeoverload]

I feel a million times better than I did yesterday. I'm feeling confident now that I will be able to get through the rest of the week without any issues.

I took a probiotic before I went to bed last night and it helped a lot. I just need to be better about taking them every day because I forget sometimes. I guess I didn't realize what a difference they make. I was also happy because I wasn't in pain the entire day. My back didn't bother me at all and I got to do the things that are normally a challenge for me. I'm surprised that I'm not sore at all now that I'm home because that's unusual for me. It would be awesome if I felt this good all the time.

I had so much energy earlier and I think I'm manic right now. I literally could not shut up the entire afternoon and was laughing about everything. I feel like I'm really annoying when I get like that but maybe I'm just too hard on myself. I guess I would much rather be manic than depressed.

I think it helped that it was another slow day for eye cases. I was done by 2:30 so I helped dispatch and load the autoclaves. I wasn't thrilled about having to put sets together and wrap total pans but at least I got a break from running around.

It was really nice to see my grandma today. She seemed to be doing better than the last time I saw her. I miss getting to sit and chat with her so I'm glad I got to do that. I wish she wouldn't have decided to move a few years ago because I used to be able to walk to her place. I just feel bad because she is lonely and doesn't have anyone to talk to. I also worry because she was telling me about how she has problems with her blood pressure and she has been passing out a lot. I guess it has happened to her several times when she was alone and didn't have anyone to help her so she laid on the ground for hours. She deserves to have someone around that can help her more. I think that I probably should be that person but I don't feel comfortable driving my car that far. I need to figure something out because I want her to be safe and happy because she deserves it. She has given so much to others and hasn't gotten much back in return.

I also got to see my aunt for like 5 minutes and give her a hug. I hadn't seen or talked to her in 2 years but it didn't seem like she was in the mood to talk to me. I'm not close with any of my extended family anymore unfortunately. A lot of them live too far away and everyone is so busy. I try not to let it bother me too much or get sad about it though.

It would be great if I could continue to be in a good mood. I hate being grumpy and depressed all the time. I'm doing my best to stay positive.

I need to stop staying up past 11 because I get mad at myself about it every morning. I'm going to try not to do that tonight. Tomorrow will be a busier day so I don't want to be super tired. I don't have much else to say right now and I still have things that I need to do tonight so I should do that soon. Hopefully I can get stuff done quickly so I have time to relax before I go to bed.

I hope everyone has a lovely evening and a good day tomorrow!! 💖💖💖