#i was just talking about something that happened earlier that day to my great aunt

[bradshawsvinyl]

Begin Again Part Three

As a first grade teacher, you couldn’t help but fall for your sweet student and her very attractive Navy fighter pilot father.

part one. part two.

Bradley woke up the next morning feeling hopeful. It had been a long time since he had felt so attracted to someone. He knew you were Tara’s teacher and that both put you in a weird spot but he couldn’t help himself.

After getting Tara ready for school and dropping her off, he made the drive to base. He wanted to talk to Phoenix about what he should do next. Pursuing you could put both him and Tara in an awkward position and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He was Tara’s father before anything else and if starting something with you would be harmful to Tara in any way, he would just have to push his feelings aside.

“Nat,” Bradley called out as he saw her across the hallway.

“Rooster. Hey,” Phoenix replied when she spotted him. “How are things going with the hot teacher?”

“I gave her my number yesterday. She’s helping me out with Tara after school until I get off work.” Bradley said, blushing.

“No way Bradshaw,” Phoenix said excitedly. Phoenix was Bradley’s best friend and at the end of the day, she wanted what was best for him. It had been so long since she had seen Bradley try to pursue a woman for more than one night. She knew his feelings were genuine.

“Yeah,” Bradley said smiling. “I’ve never felt this way before. I barely know her but I just feel a connection. I think she feels it too.”

“You should ask her out.” Phoenix thought out loud.

“No way,” Bradley said while running his fingers through his hair. “I can’t do that. What if she says no? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t ask.” Phoenix said, staring at a distressed Bradley. “Just try. What’s the worst that could happen?”

After his conversation with Phoenix, Bradley started thinking to himself. What was the worst that could happen? If you said no to his advances, he could live with that. It wouldn’t be the end of the world.

As he went to pick up Tara from school, he decided to make a quick trip to the local grocery store to pick up some flowers. He figured it would be a nice gesture regardless of whether you chose to go out with him or not. He truly did appreciate all your help with Tara.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Tara asked as you both sat together and colored.

“No.” You said while coloring a picture of a butterfly.

“My daddy could be your boyfriend.” Tara replied not even looking up from the page she was covering. “He doesn’t have a girlfriend but he tells Aunt Phoenix that he wants one all the time.”

Just as Tara finished her sentence, Bradley knocked on your open door. “Hey ladies.” He said jokingly at the sight of you and Tara.

Tara did her usual routine of running up to Bradley and hugging him while excitedly telling him about her day. You sat back and began cleaning up your classroom and packing up your bag for the day.

Bradley told Tara to start grabbing her belongings while he walked over to you. “I wanted to give these to you.” He said, holding out the flowers he purchased for you earlier. “As a thank you for all your help with Tara. It means a lot.”

You grabbed the flowers and mumbled a quick thank you to Bradley while smiling and blushing.

“I wanted to ask you something too,” Bradley started. “I have a sitter for Tara on Saturday night. There’s a small bar by my house that we could hang out at if you’re interested.” Bradley let out a short breath. The ball was now in your court.

“I’d love to.” You replied a little too quickly.

“Great.” Bradley said. “I’ll text you the details. See you on Saturday,” he said while giving you a small wink. He held Tara’s hand and led her outside of your classroom.

Once he had left, you silently celebrated. Bradley and you were going on a date. You had never felt so excited.

[silverhallow]

Drabble request: how does Benedict earn Amanda and Oliver's trust after they found out he had choked their dad?

How does Sophie help smooth things over with his newest Niece and Nephew?

Family Feuds

Benedict found it rather odd and slightly terrifying as he stood there, in the grounds of his own home, being glared at by two eight year olds… 

Two eight year olds who looked like they were plotting his demise. There was something so startling like Eloise about the twins that had Benedict worried as he moved away from the twins and towards his sister and wife who were talking to one side.

“Hello my love, is everything okay?” Sophie asked as Benedict approached, noticing how he kept glancing over his shoulder.

“Erm… I am not sure. The twins… I don’t think they like me very much” he said

“I am sure that is not true…” Eloise said “they love Charlie and Alex…”

“El, seriously they’re looking at me like they’re plotting my demise…”

“What? I am sure that is not true” Sophie said glancing over at the twins who sure enough were glaring but the moment they saw Sophie looking over, smiled and waved at their new aunt as Benedict replied

“I saw that look enough growing up, especially from Daphne after i lopped the head off her doll”

“Well what did you do to them?” Sophie asked

“Why would you assume it is my fault? But i’ve not done anything to the twins” Benedict said

“Oh… it might not be the twins… They did ask me two days ago if it was true that you choked their dad…” Eloise said a little guilty feeling in her stomach

“And you told them no right? That it was a misunderstanding…”

“Well no… I said you did but it was nothing… but they didn’t say anything more so I assumed…”

“Oh great, so they think I've tried to kill their father?!” Benedict said “no wonder they want to kill me”

“Go talk to them?” Eloise suggested.

“I tried to talk to them earlier but they actually gave me the cut… and whenever i’ve tried since they’ve just walked off…” Benedict said

Sophie sighed “they just need to have it explained, want me to try and talk to them?” 

“Well I probably should do it… but if you want to try… be my guest, no one is able to actually be mad at you so maybe make more sense” Eloise said with a smile 

Sophie rolled her eyes at her sister in law “you Bridgerton’s are all predictable”

“I’m a Crane now” Eloise said, sticking her tongue out rather immaturely.

“Once a Bridgerton…” Sophie said, shaking her head and walking off from her husband and sister-in-law and towards her newest niece and nephew.

“Hello” she smiled at them both “are you enjoying yourselves?” she asked sweetly.

“Yes thank you” Amanda said sweetly, a smile on her face “you have a lovely home and garden”

“Thank you” Sophie replied “we have a little Apple tree just over the way, did Charlie or Alex show you it? They do so like climbing it” she asked

“Oh not yet!” Oliver replied brightly

“Come, i shall show you” Sophie said and started to walk with the twins, figuring it was easier to talk to them and explain what happened out of the way of the rest of the family.

As she walked she pointed out some of the things her sons liked in the gardens and promised that they could come over often to play with them and it was as she pointed out benedict’s art room from the outside, she saw the faces the twins pulled.

“Can I ask, why you pull a face at the mention of Benedict?”

“He hurt our father. He choked him!” Amanda said angrily.

“I know but he didn’t hurt him, it was all just a misunderstanding. He was trying to protect his sister…” Sophie said

“Why?!” Oliver asked “Father didn’t hurt her”

“We know that now, but at the time, they turned up and saw that their sister had a black eye with no explanation. They did not know about you or Amanda. If you saw Amanda with a black eye and no other explanation and only one person who looked like they could be responsible… what would you do?” Sophie asked Oliver “or if it was Oliver…” she said to Amanda.

“I… I would be upset and angry!” Oliver said “I’m the only one allowed to hurt Manda, and even then I’d not punch her…”

“Same” Amanda said

“See so your Uncle Ben thought that your father had hurt his sister, and so he was trying to protect her, they made up and your Uncle Ben, Anthony and Colin all apologised to your father after they realised and it was explained how it happened” Sophie said.

“Oh so they know it was us…” Oliver said sheepishly.

“They know it was an accident and whilst you were trying to prank her you did not mean for her to get hurt as such… and you apologised to Eloise about it and she forgave you”

“After she put a fish in my bed” Amanda said crossly

“Darling, there is something you need to know about the Bridgerton’s… this family… are crazy. If there is a prank to be returned, revenge to be had… they will do it… you will have to ask your Uncle Ben what he did to Aunt Daphne’s doll after she destroyed one of his paint sets… or your Uncle Colin about how he tried to get Eloise back she changed the sugar for Salt…”

“When did she do that?!” Amanda curiously

“The day before he married Penelope” 

The twins gasped “do they all have stories like this?” Oliver asked

“Oh yes, one of their favourites is the time your Aunt Kate bested your Uncle Anthony at Pall Mall”

“What’s that?” Amanda asked

“It’s a game, ask your Aunt Kate about it, trust me, she loves this story and it will give her great pleasure to tell you it” Sophie smiled

“Oooo we will!” Oliver said brightly, the trip to the apple tree all forgotten as they beamed as they spotted Benedict and without saying another word they ran over to him and begged to hear the story of the doll and with a bright smile towards his wife, sat down with his newest family members and regaled them for the rest of the evening with stories of his childhood.

After everyone had turned in for bed he pressed a kiss to Sophie’s lips, whispering his thanks for smoothing things over, especially as the twins declared him their favourite Uncle as they hugged him before they went to join Charles and Alexander in their bedroom for the first of many sleepovers.

[fraudulent-cheese]

For the ramble prompts, 1. And 7

You're very lucky as i actually have access to my computer currently!!!

I'll pick 7, as i've already seen some people point out the differences between the twins but NO Staci analysis posts!

So. Staci. What the fuck is up with her. Why did she think lying about her family on a consistent basis and not helping in challenges would work? How exactly did that make her think it was the best she could do, to the point she thought she "was doing so well" (quoting her at her own elimination) after that first day?

I think Staci's goal while on the show was to win via social game - or at least, make friends on the show. Her lying could be due to either 1. wanting attention from them, so she started making shit up to make herself look more important or 2. she actually believes what she says and just wants to impress people with her family history. I don't think i can conclusively say which one canon's leaning into? Realistically, her exaggerating her family's achievements is the more likely option, but her actually believing them would be more tragic.

HOWEVER. Just looking at her one episode of content + her audition tape isn't enough. We need to look at her contestant biography.

YEAH IM GOING THERE! If you weren't aware, for the first 5 (6?) seasons of TD as well as TDRR, there were official biographies for every contestant depending on the season, all of which were available on the official (now defunct) Total Drama Website. I'd consider the information featured in all but two of these biographies canon, as they either came from the official website (ROTI + WT), the Teletoon site (TDAS + TDPI) or from Total Drama: Totally Interactive! Im unsure about the canonicity of the Action bios and the TDRR blurbs (because yeah. they're just blurbs. sad.) as they were released only on Cartoon Network's site and the Action bios have... inconsistencies with other sources, let's say.

Thankfully, Staci was lucky enough to be a gen 2 contestant, so she gets the most detailed contestant answers biography model, so i can get alooot more info out of them.

I'll get the smaller observations out first:

In her last answer, she mentions her great-great-aunt Mildred and how she "told the first lie." I could look into how this could be Staci's least favorite relative (as she does seem to value truth/honesty), but also what if that's Blaineley? Her legal name's Mildred after all! It would be really funny! We need more "Staci and her great aunt Mildred" content STAT

She seems to really like pop music

The only answer not related to lying or to her family is the First Job question, instead it's foreshadowing to her elimination

Now, for a larger one: She barely talks about herself in these answers. Sure, she answers the questions, but she spends the vast majority of her time talking about her family instead. She manages to link the fucking Favorite Color and Food question to them! Her love of her family is made very clear here. Knowing about them is literally what she picks out as her Best Quality!

...but only her distant relatives. No mention of closer grandparents, sisters, nephews/nieces, aunts/uncles, and only a single indirect mention of a mother. Only distant, mostly older family members and cousins. And she had to have met some of them! Her Craziest Dream answer describes a dream where her great-great-uncle Charlie was telling her lies, implying they've met and talked before! So where's the mention of her closer family members?

I'd say it's because if those family members are further away, or if they're dead, it's harder to fact-check what she's saying so her peers wouldn't find out it's at best an exaggeration and at worst an outright lie.

I think the answers that show this the most well are the Best Memory and Most Embarrassing School Moment, her presentation on an older family member and realizing the topic was a lie.

This feels like something that would happen earlier in life to me? Maybe primary school level, or even earlier. If she made her entire class project on it, she had to believe in it, right? Despite how absurd that notion is! This indicates to me that Staci was/is very naive, and her love for her family started in childhood. She seems very interested in her own family's history, to the point of exaggerating their accomplishments; maybe her great-great-aunt Lois created a plate design patent or her Great-great-uncle Jason simply looked into the history of the letter E, so either Staci exaggerated them to seem more interesting, or her family members would exaggerate these achievements at family reunions as jokes or something and little Staci just believed them.

Im also unsure on her family being good or not... her Dream Date answer is apparently Richard Nixon because she'd want to learn more about his life, specifically citing that he "reminds [her] of [her] third cousin once removed, Andrew." If you know anything about recent US political history, that is not a good thing. This also shows she has some interest in politics/recent history/other people's lives! This girl does have interests!!!

And this is where i bring up the Favorite Movie answer. The movie it's based on, according to the wiki, is "The Invention of Lying", a 2009 movie. skimming the Wikipedia article, it's a romantic comedy film about a guy with the ability to lie in a world where people can only tell the truth. He first abuses this power for selfish gain but in the romantic resolution decides to not lie to benefit himself and lets his love interest actually choose to be with him.

I think the reason why Staci likes this movie so much is the romantic resolution; this is what she'd want to happen if/when she'd reveal how her family's achievements are either fake or exaggerated to her friends, and they would stay. That she'd get people interested in her with those lies, before actually being honest with them when they're closer... But it never happened with anyone on the show.

TLDR, i need this girl to realise she doesn't need to lie so much about her family for others to like her, as hiding behind masks won't get you any real friends. Something that applies to the majority of the roti girls, actually.

[epiemy]

Dick Grayson dating a Brazilian!Fem Reader - Part 1.

Warnings: just cursing

Have fun!

You in all your glory, Y/N da Costa is the niece of Beatriz, popularly known in the heroic world as Fire, the flaming heroine;

in a unique opportunity to get to know another country and escape the flawed government of hers, she decides to live near the headquarters of the company that her aunt helps to lead, Wayne Enterprises in Gotham City;

obviously the move wasn't so easy as his English was a little scratchy and he didn't know anyone, but Beatriz's boss was nice enough to give him a place in his company so that you can work and pay for the new apartment;

the first day in Gotham you already wanted to cry, but the Costa family is not made of losers, so fuck if a car wet you from head to toe, everything will get better, right?

wrong, damn time to spill the beans about how things could get better;

you see, normally you are an optimist but even someone like that gives up after being locked out of your apartment because a floor below yours had caught fire, when another company intern spilled hot coffee on you and now you have to endure a terrible rain ;

in your genius head, it would be a great idea to call your aunt's boss, after all, why not call a billionaire you barely know?

lucky for her Alfred, who found out to be Bruce Wayne's beloved butler, had answered the phone and sent a car to pick her up, after all she would be sick for sure after two hours under the storm that was happening in the city;

upon arriving at the mansion you are welcomed by a man a little older than you, but with a stunning appearance and electric blue eyes, those damn eyes;

oh shit...

"And you!!!" / "You fool!" is said respectively by adonis and by you, when acknowledging that he was responsible for you being soaked before the rain even started;

you changed looks for just over a minute until a clearing is heard inside the mansion, making the beautiful image of Bruce Wayne appear in all its glory in front of you;

"Mr Wayne, it's a pleasure to meet you even if it's not the best of circumstances" you smile at the businessman and he returns it shaking your hand and inviting you in;

"I didn't fail to notice that you've already met my eldest son, Richard-"

"Dick" the boy cuts off Bruce's speech and you mutter a "it suits you" while the older man covers his smile;

"Make yourself at ease Miss Y/N, I have matters to attend to but Dick could show you the mansion while Alfred prepares something to keep you warm" he nods and leaves the room without hearing a response from both;

"Suits me, huh?" Dick smiles and you just roll your eyes - "okay right... I owe you an apology for earlier, I was really in a hurry and didn't notice you on the street until it was late" he admits sheepishly, and it's gratifying seeing a man that size feel so small around you.

tired of so much talk you just ask him to show you his room, he agrees and you go to the next floor of Wayne Manor;

"I think you better buy me a brigadeiro after that" you point and close the door in the confused brunette's face, just shrugging and changing into comfortable clothes that were left on your temporary bed, allowing sleep to lull you lightly.

[thepaintedlady00]

I've got another Morpheus and Daughter!Reader request that can be a prequel or sequel to the previous one. I hope it's good: Morpheus struggles to give his daughter the birds and bees talk. Desire offers to help but Morpheus is reluctant to let them until his daughter says something along the lines of "Please let my aunt-uncle help and put aside your issues with them for a few minutes for my sake!". Desire actually winds up explaining it well seeing as they have a lot of experience when it comes to sexual things.

Okay this concept has me LAUGHING! Dream having to turn to Desire for this is just golden!

"Father," you called out as you exited the library with the book in your hand.

"Yes, dear one?" He answered from the throne room. "Do you need something?"

"I have a question." You held the book out to him and pointed. "What is sex?"

Dream practically choked on his words as he looked at the book and quietly asked, "Why are you reading this?"

You shrugged. "It looked interesting. I enjoy the story, but parts of it are confusing."

"What parts?"

"Well the ones with these words: sex, penetration, co-"

"That is enough reading for the day!" He answered quickly. "Why don't you go for a walk?"

You sighed but did as he suggested while the great king sought out Lucienne to demand to know why you'd been allowed access to such books. The librarian calmly reminded him that you were of age and that she could not possibly bar you from reading what you wished. And so the endless being of greater power than any could know, sought out out late in the evening with a gentle knock on your door.

"Dear one?" He called out.

"Come in," you answered.

He quietly sat down beside you with a heavy breath. "I apologize for my curt response earlier. Your questions are normal, and I would like to answer them for you." You waited patiently for him to continue. But the longer he sat there looking at you... at his precious little girl, he found himself unable to find the right way to go about it.

Instead, he offered to answer your questions the following day, which led him to his gallery, holding his sibling's sigil and grumbling the words. Desire smiled through the glass. "What a surprise! Do tell me what I can help you with, big brother."

"My daughter has some questions," Dream said.

"Answer them then."

"Questions about..." He sighed. "About intimacy."

Their laughter echoed in his ears. "Ohhh I see, our little flower is getting ready to have her petals plucked."

He growled. "That is not what is happening!"

"Send her to me tomorrow and I'll handle it."

"Desire-"

"Fret not, big brother, I'll be as boring as I can be."

He hated this idea, but he feared he'd only confuse you more. So, first thing in the morning you joined Desire in their realm and listened to them as they spoke on what they called "the birds and the bees". You left with the knowledge you wished and surprisingly enough you assured Dream that you'd had fun.

"You had fun?"

You nodded. "Yes, Desire made learning very easy! They should teach more."

Dream's brows furrowed. "So you have no more questions?"

"Not at the moment," you answered. "Is something the matter?"

"No," he answered, shaking his head. "I suppose there isn't."

You hugged him for a quick moment. "Thank you for helping me, Father."

He kissed your head. "Always, my dear one."

[casketscratch]

There is so much happening with my family that any time I try to sit down and put words to it, my brain just stalls. Tires stuck in the mud and going nowhere while you hit the gas kind of feeling.

Content warnings for way too much writing, way too much writing about my own family, grief, child abuse, denial, suicide threats (not mine, just mention of someone else's), cocsa, sorry if I missed any but consider it a dumping ground.

My maternal grandad passed away earlier this year. As my sister put it: my dad sucked, my stepdad sucked, and he was really the only one in the family who you'd call fatherly. I haven't cried about it. I haven't missed him. I haven't felt anything except nothing. Which I also know isn't true, because when I went to see him in the hospital for the last time (knowing it would be the last time), we dissociated so severely in the car on the way home that we split. So there was something there! And now it's gone.

Since he passed, my grandma moved in with my aunt, who couldn't cope. She's... I don't know. I try to be compassionate. I try to be understanding. I know this aunt endured a lot of abuse, and as a kid there was always some crisis revolving around her mental health. Not to be dismissive -- there was a stalker that her mom/my grandma enabled, she was assaulted as a teenager and never got the help she needed, her parents were genuinely neglectful in a lot of ways. My grandma in particular.

I don't really want to get into the weeds about her because it's not the point. The point is that the entire family has suffered for years because she basically sucks the rest of us dry. Even as a little kid, I couldn't ask my family for help or tell them anything because there was always a crisis going on that revolved around her problems.

After a few weeks of living with my grandma, she messaged a bunch of us basically saying that we needed to relocate my grandma for 4 weeks because my aunt needs space to "work on herself." i.e., she's finally taking therapy seriously but only has 4 sessions left because This Fucking Province.

Which... great, because in the lead-up to that e-mail, a lot of us had been talking about learning how to set boundaries as a family, supporting her without constantly rearranging our lives and bankrupting ourselves to pay her rent and bills, about not walking on eggshells because if she gets upset then she'll disappear for hours and vaguepost about suicide. She's in her 50's and it just sets my teeth on edge because I have been catering to her wellbeing my whole life, at my own expense. My sister, too. She had a whole crying breakdown the last time we saw each other because she'd had no room or time to grieve, or take care of her own kids, because she's sort of terrified (I think) that she'll fail to show up for my aunt one day and then be the reason my aunt kills herself. And to some extent I think our entire immediate family acts this way. It's not sustainable anymore.

Which is something I finally expressed to my mom. Whose basement I am living in after having to quit my job, flee the city I was in, etc. You know. Actual crisis, life or death shit. (This is also the aunt who, when I told her I'd been dx'd with DID, thinking she was maybe the one person in the family who'd understand it as someone who's openly lived with CPTSD and talks about it a lot, told me that "just because doctors say you have something, doesn't mean you do" and that was the end of that).

So my grandma is now living with us for four weeks so my aunt can "have space" by entirely upending her grieving mother's life and kicking her out with only a few days notice.

And, like, there is a lot wrapped up in my feelings about my aunt. There's a kind of fucked up survivor's guilt, right? I'm the "good" victim who's "doing the work," it feels like. Somehow I'm more stable despite going through what I did as a kid. Somehow I'm more self-aware and can actually do the work and try to put myself back together. Somehow, somehow, somehow. (It's the DID. Look at us go.)

And there's an endless tug-of-war between trying not to victim blame her, and... just being fucking honest. She's manipulative. She's poisoning the relationships a lot of us worked really hard to heal. No, it's not okay or normal to send us messages about how she's trying to remove some component of her car so she can fill it with exhaust. No, it's not okay to kick your widowed mother out with no notice after committing to living with her and we all pitched in around the clock to make it happen. No, it's not okay to turn around 8 weeks later and reverse course entirely, while trying to talk us into continuing to help pay for a 2 bedroom apartment all to yourself now, or whatever. No matter what happened to her, none of that is okay!

What's gutting me is how much my mom agreed with me, and how hard she's reversed course. I was honest weeks ago, explaining to her that my aunt has always done this -- and my mom... isn't not helping her, but is more invested in helping me. She helped me paint my room last weekend because the wall colours would trigger me so badly that I was dissociating and carving "fix it" into the paint, because they were the same colour as one of the rooms I was y'know, [redacted] in as a kid.

She's recommitted to helping me with therapy and showing up and not leaving me hanging for months. She plainly said that she does not want my aunt to interfere with my recovery, that she's spent HER whole life taking care of her younger sister like this, and can now see the toll it had on her own family/kids, and it's not okay.

I don't know what to do with this. I really don't. Mostly I feel guilty knowing a lot of people in my situation don't get that kind of help, too. My mom was mostly not around when I was a kid because she was in school and working full time -- we were living with this aunt, and my grandparents, so they more or less collectively ignored raised me. My mom truly had no idea about the abuse and trafficking, and has been so helpful this last year. I grew up bitter and angry at her, but a lot of the work early on in my trauma shit was realizing that I was (I am so ashamed to type this for some reason, even if it's kind of just facts) really just brainwashed by my dad's side of the family against her. It's complicated.

So, okay, right? My aunt is a lot, but it's something I spoke to my therapist about, he helped me with boundaries and encouraged me to focus on my own stuff, because my aunt is the sort of person who... no matter how many times you show up, it won't change her. You just keep showing up until you're drained, and she moves on to the next person.

My grandma, on the other fucking hand.

Couldn't be here 48 hours before she was sitting down and bringing up the kids I grew up with. The ones whose parents were also involved in the same trafficking rings. She has no idea; she will never have any idea. She is so, so insistent on seeing only the good in people that it has ruined this family, it feels like. She enabled her daughter's stalker. She defended my mom's rapist/my sister's biodad because there must have been some good in him (he fled the country on suspicion of murder and my sister is working with the RCMP about it, but never mind that part either). She continued to be friends with my stepdad after I told her what he'd done. She chided me for going no contact with my biodad because "he always gave such nice gifts."

She started talking about those kids, anyway. And about how one of them was just a Bad Kid, malicious and evil at 8 years old, or whatever. She would babysit the neighbourhood kids after school, so there were often a bunch of them over at our place. She was talking about how one afternoon someone turned the knobs on the barbecue outside, turning the gas on, and she almost lit a cigarette before smelling it and nearly blew herself up. Clearly on purpose!

My mom interjected to be like, that's just kids playing with knobs and things, and I cut in with... she was a really abused kid at home. She wasn't bad, her family was horrific, and I left it at that. And my grandma?

"Oh, but their house was always so clean, I can't believe that!"

Which mostly felt like I was smacked across the face, and I think Stephan fronted, because I heard myself say something like, "what the fuck does that have to do with anything?" and then it's a lot of fog.

My mom even pointed out how this friend would often have to borrow my pants because she wet herself so often, and how that was a sign of CSA, and it just didn't matter to my grandma. My friend was just "lazy."

Anyway, "It's just so unbelievable" there were so many "bad" kids on that block, what a coincidence! So weird how many of us are addicts now, or just dead, when she was friends with all our parents and they were all the greatest people! Haha, how does that happen!

And I saw in that moment just how impossible it would have been for me to ask for help, let alone get it. Nothing can be wrong around her. She needs the world to be perfect, hunky-dory, everyone is good, and it left so many of us wide open to abuse. My aunt included. Myself included. And I kind of see where my aunt developed her constant crisis mode, because only life or death will get through to my grandma -- and even then, not really.

Like. She has singlehandedly facilitated or enabled abuse of most of her family because she refuses to admit people can be bad (and there's the urge to be like... but she's like that for a reason, and deserves sympathy, and surely that means what she did is understandable, and etc.).

I just foresee myself spending a lot of the next 4 weeks in the basement avoiding all of this because we just started doing the real trauma work in therapy, we just started reconnecting with the rage and processing it, and it's like oh god no shove it all back in the box because our aunt said we have to so our grandma will be taken care of!

Fuck that. She can't make it down the stairs and I have a refuge in that. And my room is painted my favourite colours now, I never want to leave it anyway! (It's a very dark navy blue with deep turquoise on one wall.)

Just. It's a lot. It's a lot, a lot, a lot, and I keep compartmentalizing or forgetting why I'm so tired, and so at my wit's end, and none of these are even my problems to deal with in the first place. Maybe that's callous? Maybe not. But either way she sat on my couch, defended several of my traffickers while I tried to point out that they were in fact abusive people, and doubled down about it, and I really don't feel obligated to cater to that anymore!

I'm kind of really proud of myself for this one, actually? It has taken a LOT to get here.

[callipraxia]

Just remembered one of my more developed original fantasy ideas. Since I’m not terribly likely to ever write it, figure I might as well talk about it, get it out of my system.

Once upon a time, in the distant times of the early 1960s, there were three siblings: a girl, Elinor, and her two younger siblings, a boy and another girl. They lived quietly somewhere in rural (never really settled, somewhere mountainous on the East Coast and probably the South, since that’s the land I know in real life) and were expected to live and die in their little town just like all the generations before them. Or at least, that was the expectation before one day, they all three seemingly vanished into a clear blue sky.

Investigations, such as could be done at the time, were made. Dozens of people fell under suspicion. The town nearly tore itself apart in a paranoid frenzy. But nobody ever found the kids or even any bones that could remotely have ever belonged to them, so finally, things started to move on. The parents of these three missing children even had a new child. That child was still in diapers when, as abruptly as she had disappeared, Elinor was found wandering in the mountains, still wearing the dress she’d gone missing in, which was somehow still in perfect condition. It also still fit perfectly, because somehow, even though a few years had passed, Elinor didn’t appear to have aged a day.

Obviously, there was instantly a new frenzy as people tried to figure out where she had been and what happened to her brother and sister. However, Elinor remained mute for months, and when she finally did start talking again and stopped trying to sneak out of her house to get back to the mountains, she claimed she had no memory of anything that had happened. She didn’t know how or why she had disappeared, she didn’t know where her brother and sister were, and she didn’t even know if they were still alive. Her mind, she insisted, was blank as a smooth rock on everything concerned with that subject.

Obviously, in a small town, this just made the rumors worse. A lot of people thought she must have murdered her brother and sister; the more superstitious in the community remembered how she had still looked the same even though that shouldn’t have been possible, and there were mutters about a deal with the devil, even as we progressed into more modern times. There was no chance the town was ever going to really accept her back as a full member. Fortunately, though, this suited Elinor just fine. She’d been known as a bright and highly compliant girl before, but now she was apparently consumed with a most unfeminine ambition; as soon as she finished high school in 1975, she was off to college, and not to study to be a teacher or secretary or something respectable for a girl like that. The crazy girl was determined to become rich, and not just by marriage.

Flash forward to the present day. Elinor succeeded in her quest to become rich, and is now an old lady and a noted philanthropist. Only the family even vaguely remembers the old tale about her going missing as a girl and reappearing without her siblings - at least, without the two siblings she had before she disappeared. Remember that baby her parents had under the assumption their older children were all dead? That kid grew up and had a pretty standard That Town life, marrying relatively young, having kids, and then having grandkids - two boys and a girl. Grandkids who, for no apparent reason, Great-Aunt Elin invites to her mansion for the summer vacation.

Obviously they go, great opportunity to suck up to their rich auntie and all, but they learn more and more about the old mystery of what happened to her and their other aunt and uncle all those decades ago. Including how this mansion is built practically on top of the spot where Elinor was found wandering around mute all those years earlier. The youngest, who is the family cynic, feels like he and his brother and sister are being manipulated somehow, but his brother is a daydreamer perfectly happy to believe life works like a storybook and their sister is too practical to believe in silly things like ghost stories and conspiracies. So on they go until one day, they fall through a hole in reality somehow and find themselves not in the cave they were daring each other to explore a minute earlier, but instead surrounded by guys on horses, who immediately all fall to their knees and start thanking the gods for sending them.

They are all pop culture savvy and cynical enough to worry for a moment that they are about to become human sacrifices, but that, the leader of the men explains, isn’t the case at all. He is named Harald, and his father is the current ruler of the land. Harry here, however, will not succeed his elderly father on the throne, because that’s just not how it is done here. Instead, every generation, the gods send a triumvirate of new rulers from another world just before the last of the old regime dies. Usually, these are sibling sets, and usually there is a pattern - just as these kids are a sister and two brothers, Harry’s father, when he was teleported here as a boy, was a brother with two sisters. However, Harry’s aunt Sylvia is dead, and his other aunt apparently died unusually young, and the whole kingdom had been getting…nervous…as time went on with no successors appearing at the ancient site where successors always appear. Harry’s father had made the unorthodox choice, in the absence of his second sister, to treat his wife (even having a formal one made him somewhat unusual) as the second queen in all but name, and the people were getting worried that if the old man died, Harry’s mother might try to establish a traditional, father-to-son succession, which the people think would bring down the wrath of their gods.

Our modern protagonists think this all sounds insane and absurd (even the daydreamer, a little, even though he’s the most willing to be convinced), but they figure they have no better options right now than playing along, since these guys all have weapons and the three of them have a distinct lack of weapons. So they are taken to meet the current king, who is a seemingly very normal old man who tells them that he’s sorry for them because this job sucks, but he’s kind of relieved that their arrival means he can die in a few years, once they have the basics of ruler ship down, and be done with it all. Maybe even see his own family from his old world in the afterlife. He misses his parents still, not to mention his two sisters, so dying has its advantages from his point of view.

Cue a disturbance as someone else shows up - specifically, the kids’ Great-Aunt Elin. Who greets the king by name, then demands to know where he’s hiding her sister. This is because the king is, well…her little brother. The one who disappeared along with her, but who didn’t come back. He’s these kids’ long-lost great-uncle, and while the other sister-queen did really die recently here in this alternate reality, the other sister didn’t. She was Elinor all along, somehow yeeted back into her home dimension years earlier and now back, trying to rescue her niece and nephews.

And that’s as far as I got with it.

[aronarchy]

nearing the end of S2 of the handmaid’s tale and (have a lot of stress going on rn so not going to go in depth wrt my thoughts about the last few episodes but) i’m thinking back to the canada arc earlier in the season and how the show identified exposés of fascists’ crimes as what is needed to gain progress for freedom movements (i.e. the letters being uploaded being positioned as some sort of great salvation, igniting “new” progress that could not have happened before)

the plot runs on several contradictions—here it’s that (excellent) scene where the Mexican government official admits she knows about the abuse of handmaids but doesn’t value stopping it more than she values reproductive labor extraction; then we pivot to jarring scenes where The Horrors were somehow “unknown,” and if only they (governments/middleclass populace) knew then they would Do Something

and, ???

(and before you complain—no, it wasn’t just a depiction not endorsing; showrunners were clearly playing it straight, and actually believed in that premise as true, as the results came out as a liberal would have predicted—which, in fact, is not how things go down in any sort of real life; they know, they know, they already know, they already know how bad it is, the news has been widely accessible for decades, centuries, and they still don’t care, they start and end with the same values)

while watching I was also reminded of Atwood’s The Testaments (2019 book sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale) which I’d read when I was thirteen or so and I still don’t remember too much about it, but I remember very clearly that that story also hinged strongly on a premise of “she escaped with Evidence and let the govt find out The Truth About The Atrocities which made her a hero who accomplished a downfall” which felt a bit odd to me even then (was in the middle of a lib phase) because, well, wouldn’t they have already known? how could they not already know? why is knowing so transformative? (logic goes, “this new info matters because now they’ll act on it” ← “they were not acting previously, because they didn’t have the info”—requires that they have the power to succeed so long as they try to in the first place.) this is obviously silly, but liberals genuinely believe this, because the truth is perhaps a bit too unpleasant. (also remembering The Testaments’ portrayal of Aunt Lydia, agreeing with her view of herself as legitimately subversive and heroic and ultimately a force for good—and also some of that which the show is slipping in, those scenes w/tears & feels which seem(?) to me to be played straight)

(I found it difficult to believe that the average person would genuinely buy that but also [abuser] sitting next to me watching rained praises on Lydia (“[see?] at the end of the day she’s just human [too]!!”) and also how Atwood and nearly all of the literary media coverage of Testaments (that I’ve found so far) have talked about Lydia (“Deep New Revelations that she’s Just Human and More Nuanced Than We’d Thought!!”) and w/that maybe what I read from the show as insightful critiques of liberal idealism wrt abusers/misogynists (i.e. “see? abusers DO keep abusing after even if they have a few nice moments, this is a great illustration of how the cyclical dynamic/false niceness works, learn from this, abuse bad”) are actually things the show unintentionally stumbled into, because they DO see the world as is, they DO know the violence is there and know the free-marketplace-of-ideas premises are fake, they just don’t think that actually makes it a bad thing)

(developing a cohesively anarchist analysis of feminist struggle over the past few years has clarified a lot of my cog dissonance from earlier days and I’m much angrier now but also a lot clearer)

I’m also thinking about the scenes where ex-US/US government in exile are portrayed as heartwarming, uwu, revolutionary, what we need; similar for the Freedom Liberty Light Hope aesthetics of the refugee introduction to Canada scene and how ultimately the show pinpoints liberal democracy as the freedom/liberation we need, portraying liberalism (allowed to run its course “without interference”/“naturally”/“as it should”) = enough to prevent fascism, nudging the viewer towards embracing “US returns” as what would be A Happy Ending. Consistently handwaving away how liberal states are fascist enablers. That if things simply “go back to how they were” then in another couple decades/centuries you would have yet another hurtle towards fascism because fundamentally liberalism cannot ever be enough to effectively stop the tide. and it makes me sad that bc of the limitations in perspective of these showrunners/authors the stories of the victims/marginalized who “fall through the cracks” (so to speak) (i.e. who prove that halfway-support does fail them, w/ devastating consequences) cannot have the spotlight/be centered.

(waterford visit to canada scene was fucking infuriating, don’t just stand there you know full fucking well he’s going to rape and abuse if he gets home throw some rocks light his fucking car on fire fucking please)

[toournextadventure]

So the general thought of having siblings to me:

As I said I have a single mum so even when I was little and friends would say their getting a little brother or sister it never felt like something that could or would happen so I never thought about it as everyone who did have siblings had 2 parents if that makes sense.

It was never something I wanted either, I was more then comfortable with it just wing me and my mum and I would hate to have a sibling. I've literally had nightmares about it in the past (ik it sounds silly but a few times I have) where there's been a younger child and I've been forgotten about. Even if everything else was the same I would dislike it cause I (no offence to anyone) hate babies and toddlers, like I babysit kids sometimes but only ones older then like 4 or 5 cause babies just annoying me, all they do is cry, look weird and the idea of changing nappies is disgusting.

Also as u mentioned cousins, I have 2 cousins one is literally a day older then me, same year. I feel like we would've been really close considering age if it weren't for their parents. When we were little they would never let anyone but them hold him and he went round our grandparents and nannys(great grandmother) house way less often then me even tho we both lived pretty close. Therefore I would only see him if we happend to go round grandparents house on the same day and at Christmas, he didn't even have birthday parties. He has autism which my aunt and uncle denied until he was about 6ish even though all of the family could tell and told them to get Jim diagnosed so they could manage it better and help him since we were toddlers (part of the reason they could tell was our age meant they could see I was learning to walk, talk ect earlier then him and the general way he would act compare to other kids) he is in a autism specific school now and it has definitely helped him alot, were not super close and he doesn't talk much when we see them (we moved to the other side of the country so only see when visiting grandparents) but you can tell he is fond of us(why does that sound weird) he just shows affection a different way. It's just that even without his autism he was very closed off by his parents and we aren't as close as we could've been.

Sorry that's quite long

🗡

No, but that makes perfect sense though. Like, that's all so totally valid and makes total sense

And see, I'm Southern, we always have big families. My mom has 3 siblings, my grandmother had 7 siblings and 3 step-siblings. Like, we have huge families

But total honesty, that's still so interesting to me to hear from small family people. And I don't mean in a condescending way, it's just genuinely fascinating to me because it's hard to imagine not having literal dozens of cousins and family members, so it's just so foreign to hear it from people with small families

[swampndn]

Something is in the air. Time for a lil dear diary post.

So I've been going through it. Like THROUGH it the past 2 years, well 7 years technically. But really, it's been the past 9 months or so as the worst of it. This week in particular has not been great.

Part of what I've been having to do and really think about this past week is what is it I actually want for me. And also coming to terms with the very bad reasons why I don't know and I've been struggling to figure that out. We got trauma, people. All kinds.

Well, in my brooding, I've landed on some core reasons why all of that is my unfortunate reality, and one of them is the abuse I recieved from my older sister (and mother, but this ain't about her tonight). I haven't spoken to my sister in over 2 years after she caused the preventable death of my aunt who was more of my mother than my mother ever was. Naturally, I've been angry about that (on top of all the shit she's said and done to me since I was brought home from the hospital until I moved across the country).

But earlier today, I got a phone call from my nieces and nephew. My nephew told me that their mom got engaged. I didn't text my sister or say anything about it because ya know, I don't talk to her.

Well, at 2am I get a text from her telling me that she's engaged, and she asked if I could come to her engagement party in October because she really wants me to be there. (Eventually, she told me the truth that they're going to surprise everyone with their actual wedding that day because they don't want people to meddle in the details and whatnot. Mad respect because her first wedding was a mess because of people, mainly my mother, being insufferable. But she told me not to tell anyone, which not a problem because again, I don't speak to the majority of the family at this point.)

Anyway, I talked to her for over an hour. Honestly, she had such a sense of peace that I've never experienced from her before, and she wasn't just civil towards me, but actually said nice things. I don't know who the hell that woman was talking to me because it sure as hell wasn't the sister I know. She told me about how her fiancé was the best thing to have happened to her, how she's been in therapy, how she went back to school with a plan to actually get a degree, and how her kids are even in therapy too.

She didn't apologize to me (and Creator knows that she got a long list), and we didn't really talk about anything super deep. However, I'm still shocked, and I'm emotional about it. But it felt healing in a way even though there wasn't any deep drenching up of shit - and there's some SHIT that probably needs drenching.

I didn't tell her about what I've been going through. Not yet. I don't know if I will. However, I think I'm partially feeling like a hope that maybe one day I could and maybe, just maybe, have some support from her. I don't know though. I know better than to get too optimistic. However, part of me is experiencing a different kind of grief tonight.

It's just been hard. I'm so alone in a lot of this. Nearly all of this. And I really don't want to be anymore.

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee

[madigoround]

Issue one: my great aunt (grandma’s sister) (there was a time I was very close to this aunt because she let me come live with her when I got away from my parents) had some weird blood test results earlier in the week and then Friday she was diagnosed with leukemia (aml to be exact) and the reason she was having those blood tests in the first place is that she already wasn’t healthy and was supposed to have gastric bypass surgery at the end of the year for her health cause she’s like close to 400 pounds I think so that makes her treatment options even less viable because she’s already not in a decent health place, she’s also 62 and apparently the chances of someone over 60 living with aml five years past their diagnosis is like 28%. Currently she can’t be transferred anywhere that isn’t by ambulance or medivac helicopter because her blood pressure or blood sugar or something is dangerous and needs to be monitored.

Issue two: said great aunt lives in Florida and other than a few friends she doesn’t have a whole lot of supports down there, all her family is here but now she’s only talking to like two of us when she feels like it and is kind of just shutting down instead of talking with us and giving information about her possible treatments and she has like six cats (maybe 7 she gets them so often it’s hard to keep up) and a house and a job and isn’t making any moves to handle any of it and is instead asking my grandma to come down to Florida to take care of her (my grandmother has had blood cancer for years but my great aunt has never offered to take care of her 👀) and earlier in the week my grandma got some less than great health news too so she really needs to be resting but instead she’s making moves to go down to Florida for a few weeks to figure out what is happening with her treatment and help take care of her. I am catching fire at work and was punished for taking a family emergency day earlier in the week for my grandmas health thing. I am completely powerless to actually help in this situation and instead am just doing a bunch of research in case I can find something that will help but it’s all bad news

[timeoverload]

I feel a million times better than I did yesterday. I'm feeling confident now that I will be able to get through the rest of the week without any issues.

I took a probiotic before I went to bed last night and it helped a lot. I just need to be better about taking them every day because I forget sometimes. I guess I didn't realize what a difference they make. I was also happy because I wasn't in pain the entire day. My back didn't bother me at all and I got to do the things that are normally a challenge for me. I'm surprised that I'm not sore at all now that I'm home because that's unusual for me. It would be awesome if I felt this good all the time.

I had so much energy earlier and I think I'm manic right now. I literally could not shut up the entire afternoon and was laughing about everything. I feel like I'm really annoying when I get like that but maybe I'm just too hard on myself. I guess I would much rather be manic than depressed.

I think it helped that it was another slow day for eye cases. I was done by 2:30 so I helped dispatch and load the autoclaves. I wasn't thrilled about having to put sets together and wrap total pans but at least I got a break from running around.

It was really nice to see my grandma today. She seemed to be doing better than the last time I saw her. I miss getting to sit and chat with her so I'm glad I got to do that. I wish she wouldn't have decided to move a few years ago because I used to be able to walk to her place. I just feel bad because she is lonely and doesn't have anyone to talk to. I also worry because she was telling me about how she has problems with her blood pressure and she has been passing out a lot. I guess it has happened to her several times when she was alone and didn't have anyone to help her so she laid on the ground for hours. She deserves to have someone around that can help her more. I think that I probably should be that person but I don't feel comfortable driving my car that far. I need to figure something out because I want her to be safe and happy because she deserves it. She has given so much to others and hasn't gotten much back in return.

I also got to see my aunt for like 5 minutes and give her a hug. I hadn't seen or talked to her in 2 years but it didn't seem like she was in the mood to talk to me. I'm not close with any of my extended family anymore unfortunately. A lot of them live too far away and everyone is so busy. I try not to let it bother me too much or get sad about it though.

It would be great if I could continue to be in a good mood. I hate being grumpy and depressed all the time. I'm doing my best to stay positive.

I need to stop staying up past 11 because I get mad at myself about it every morning. I'm going to try not to do that tonight. Tomorrow will be a busier day so I don't want to be super tired. I don't have much else to say right now and I still have things that I need to do tonight so I should do that soon. Hopefully I can get stuff done quickly so I have time to relax before I go to bed.

I hope everyone has a lovely evening and a good day tomorrow!! 💖💖💖

[colby-k]

A Highlight From My Poetry

This past month or so I have experienced something that I never thought could or would happen to me. I got my poetry recognized.

Now, this man is very high up in the marijuana company, The Clear. This is a highly reputable company and they have great products. They sell more than weed. They recently came out with their own deck of cards. They do some wild stuff.

So, to start my story, I was coming home from somewhere and when I walked into my house there were a bunch of people hanging out in my living room. I knew some of them, but others I haven't met before. I knew they were going to be nice people because every person my aunt and uncle hang out with is incredibly nice.

I received a "Hi, Colb! Come meet everybody." So, I took my things up to my room, came back downstairs with anxiety brewing, and socialized.

Like I thought, everyone was super nice. My aunt had to hype me up and start talking about my poetry. I started getting embarrassed because I thought my poetry was subpar at best. But, she told them how much I've been writing lately. She also mentioned how "amazing" my poems were.

A bunch of people started asking me questions about the way I write, what my favorite poem is, and more. It was like an interview. It was happening so quickly that I just piped up and asked if they wanted to hear some of my poetry. Of course, they said yes. I ran up to my bedroom to grab my laptop and ran back downstairs. I sat down on the floor and asked if everyone was ready.

They all became silent. I've never seen a group of people who like to party become quiet that fast. I cleared my throat and read the title, "I Had To Leave A Message." My heart was pounding from the anxiety. I started to read the poem as well as I could. My recitation skills from high school presented themselves and I started to feel a little less nervous.

By the time I finished reading, I had everyone captivated. I truly do not think my poetry is that good, but apparently, it is. This made me so happy.

Then, Rick, the man who I was writing about earlier, stood up and said, "Colby, I have an idea."

His ideas are always top-notch, so I was expecting something great. "What if we feature you on our page as a weekly poet? It would be a video of you doing a voiceover recitation, and I would be writing your poem in calligraphy as you're reading it."

I was elated. There is no way this is happening. I'm going to be kind of published! I couldn't believe it. I asked what it would look like and he told me gold ink on black paper. It would be beautiful.

I thanked him over and over again. It was more than amazing to receive this opportunity. We made an appointment for me to come into his office and have a sample recording session.

When the day came, I was as excited as a kid at their birthday party. Because I don't have a car, I asked my aunt to take me. I knew she would have fun, too. Plus, she knew the directions of the giant building better than I did.

When we got to the office and got comfortable, Rick set up everything we needed, including a microphone. It wasn't the best he. had but it was enough for a test run.

It went so well. The final product was amazing. The only thing we are going to change is the type of ink he uses because he is using a quill instead of a marker or pen.

But, I am super excited about this project and cannot wait for future opportunities.

[newfruits]

i want to play acnh but the controller drift is unbearable and i dont have a spare $100 to buy new ones. also im depressed.

[lovebeinaprincessworld]

Challenging fate (Tom Riddle x reader)

soulmate!au

Chapter 2

Masterlist

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Epilogue

Description: There were a lot of unexpected things happening the day of the Battle of Hogwarts. Being send back into the past to change the course of history was definitely one of them.

3235 words

„Can you pass me the butter?“, Ruth asked you the next morning at the breakfast table. You already found out that she was Ernie’s great aunt. It was weird to sit together with old relatives of the people you were going to school with before, you even overheard someone talking to a certain Diggory, which you figured was probably Cedrics grandpa. If you succeeded, would Cedric be still alive?

Passing her the butter, you were trying to keep your head down - as you were doing the whole morning already - in fear of the moment you’d lay eyes on Tom Riddle for the first time. Yes you knew this was what you were there for, but you weren’t ready for that just yet. Also you didn’t think in the middle of breakfast in the great hall would be the perfect place to do this. You did however know that he was here, because about fifteen minutes ago the atmosphere in the hall completely shifted and you felt a strong urge to look in the direction of the Slytherin table.

You weren’t really hungry, because your nerves were upsetting your stomach so you just shoved down a piece of bread before talking with the girls about which lessons you hoped to share with them. „Miss Granger, would you mind coming with me? I still need to give you your timetable“, Professor Dumbledore’s voice interrupted you from behind. „Of course sir“, you got up from your place next to Edith. „See you later!“, you waved at them and followed Dumbledore out of the Hall.

„I hope you slept well on your first night here“, Dumbledore said, leading you through the corridors. „Yes sir, I did actually. I was so exhausted I fell asleep immediately“, you told him following the Professor up a staircase. „And the girls in your dorm are nice too?“, he looked at you over the rim of his glasses. „Yes they are, but I did notice some…familiarities“, you smiled and came to a stop infront of his office. Following him through the door, you two sat down at his desk. “I thought you might”, he nodded along while pulling out something from his desk.

„First things first, here is your timetable Miss Granger. I tried to base it off of the letter my future self drafted for me“, Professor Dumbledore handed you a piece of parchment with your timetable drawn onto it, „I did however had to make some adjustments, you see at this time Hogwarts is offering a class called ‚Magical Housekeeping‘ which is attended by almost all girls in fifth year. I thought it would be suspicious to not have you attend it.“

Magical Housekeeping? This was really showing you, you were indeed in the past. You could already make out the tendency of the girls to rather get themselves a good match than to work towards having a job or something, which was probably the standard for this time. You did learn in History of Magic that in earlier times people did not pay as much mind to finding their soulmates, as it was highly regarded to have a successful marriage. In the case that people did find their soulmates (which was rarer than in the future - possibly because people didn’t actively search for theirs) some people were heard of rejecting them if they didn’t fit their standards or their parents made them do it. And even if people went on to marry - in their eyes - more successful partners, those who reject or get rejected by their soulmate would never feel true happiness and love again.

„Alright Professor thank you!“, you focused back on your timetable once more, happy that you at least had some familiar subjects again, Herbology and Care for magical Creatures always being your favorite.

„Now to move on to a more touchy subject, I could observe that Tom did notice something was different earlier at breakfast“, Dumbledore brought your mind back to the topic you’ve pushed away since yesterday. „I noticed too“, you answered after a short break, „I could feel it immediately when he entered the hall, though I forced myself not to look at him. Figured it wouldn’t be the best place to do this.“

„Yes yes, I quite agree with you there Miss Granger. I don’t know how he will react to the eye contact that will reveal your soulbound, because my older self seemed to have found out that Tom was conceived while his father was under the influence of a love potion. This means Tom has not been able to experience love to this day. Which explains a lot.“

„Then it was probably best I didn’t do it yet. I also thought about how to do it, but I just figured I would wait until there is an opportunity where we are alone. I have no idea how to get him alone though, without looking into his eyes atleast“, you thoughtfully answered, wrecking you brain for an idea. „Mhm, a difficult situation indeed. Maybe the fact that Tom does already notice something could help you with that, but I trust you will be able to find a good opportunity“, he said with a calming smile, „I think you have to hurry now though or you will be late to your first lesson! You can always come to my office if you are in need of anything Miss Granger.“

————————

You had managed to escape Tom Riddles gaze for about a week now, and you had to admit the 40s were really a completely different world. The subjects were kind of similar at least, but the one subject you definitely wouldn’t warm up to was Magical Housekeeping. It was actually just a course where a witch named Misses Paterson was demonstrating a few spells that were used in the kitchen or something and the rest of the lesson everyone was just gossiping about securing a good match and who took who to Slughorns latest gathering.

Apart from that you did get on really well with your roommates, eventhough you couldn’t really contribute anything to their conversations about boys, but thank god it wasn’t the only thing they talked about. They did however - as did almost all girls at Hogwarts - talk about Tom Riddle. It did come to your attention that all of the female Hogwarts students were fawning over the Slytherin prefect, but you could only ever think about the cruel things he would go on to do in the future.

This however was a thought you always tried to push away, reminding yourself that this wasn’t Voldemort but Tom Riddle. And you did also notice that Tom Riddle was slowly narrowing down that feeling that something was different (that Dumbledore brought to your attention) to you. He didn’t outright approach you yet, but you could feel his eyes on you whenever you had a lesson together. You were sure it was only a matter of time before he finally decided to do so, and before that happened you needed to either approach him when he was alone or get him to approach you when you were alone. And that was certainly easier said than done, because he was seemingly always surrounded by his Slytherin Gang - as the girls in your dorm called them. It consisted of a few well-known names - at least to you.

Avery, Malfoy, Lestrange, Rosier and Nott were just as much bullies as their offspring was and especially the muggleborns of Hogwarts got to experience that. You were lucky enough to only be called mudblood a few times for now, other muggleborns haven’t been so lucky. Just yesterday Grace Murphy had to be brought to the Hospital Wing, because her hands grew to the size of watermelons. Of course nobody could be linked to that, like it always seemed to be the case from what Ruth told me. Everyone knew it was Toms gang that was responsible but somehow not one serious offense could be proved to be committed by them.

So it seemed that eventhough Riddle hadn’t killed anyone yet he surely wasn’t a friendly guy either. Sighing you made your way to your favorite table in the back of the library. You still had to finish your essay for Professor Slughorn, having been putting it off til the last moment again. Pulling out your Potions book and opening it at the chapter about polyjuice potion, you started with the essay that was supposed to be written about possible outcomes of mistakes you could make while brewing it.

Picking up your quill, you noticed out of the corner of your eye that Avery and Riddle where entering your section of the library. You were actually more feeling it than seeing it. Considering it was already late and curfew wasn’t far away, the library was almost deserted and you saw this as the perfect opportunity to try and get Riddle alone. You just had to get him away from Avery. It seemed like Slughorns essay had to wait again.

Putting together a plan, you decided you “needed” an additional book that would require you to pass close by Riddle and Avery. This would mean being as close to Riddle as never before and maybe that would be what would make him follow you into the back of the library. When they had settled down, you brought your plan into action. Clutching your essay to your chest, so you looked legit, you made your way through the small corridor between the two shelves in the direction of the two Slytherins.

Tom was sitting with his back to you but you noticed that he tensed up as if feeling your presence. Avery meanwhile was just staring at his parchment in confusion. Forcing yourself to slow down as to maximize the effect, you walked by right next to them, probably less than 50cm away from Toms shoulder. And even if you were feeling guilty to admit this - as this would turn out to be the person that would wreck havoc over your friends - you were feeling the effect of this closeness too.

Hoping he hadn’t been able to hear your heartbeat, you turned a corner that brought you into a completely abandoned section of the library. This looked like some dimly lit corner with books about antidotes and poisons, but the books looked rather rundown. Before you could get lost in your thoughts though, you could hear footsteps coming closer and your heart was thudding in your chest.

You could feel that it was in fact Riddle, but now that he was stopping right behind you, you weren’t so sure that you were ready. But it didn’t really matter anyway, because there was no way you could get yourself out of this situation anymore. „Hello“, said a smooth voice behind you, sending a shiver down your frame. Your body reacted without you really having a say in it: „Hello.“ You could feel Riddle taking another step forward, towering over you, now standing so close that it would be deemed improper for this time period.

„Is there a particular reason you are not turning around Miss Granger?“, his voice was a pleasantly deep pitch. You weren’t really suprised that he knew your name. „No of course not“, you answered with a small voice and finally turned around, your eyes glued to his feet. „It’s considered impolite not to make eyecontact“, you knew he tried to get you to look at him, your knees immediately weakening at the sound of his slightly arrogant and demanding voice. „There’s something I…“, you try to explain but didn’t have the bravery to finish the sentence. „What is it?“, he now asked with more urgency his head lowering trying to catch your eye.

You closed your eyes for a second, taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm yourself and then raised your head to a point where you could feel his eyes roam over your face. Another deep breath in, and you finally opened your eyes, immediately meeting Tom Riddles dark eyes.

The effect was almost instantly, the feeling of devotion and longing almost swiped you of your feet, your world shifting into place. This was more than love at first sight, it was as if your whole being aligned with his and all your worries about the future and who he’d become were temporarily pushed aside. You could understand everyone’s reaction to finding there soulmate now, briefly remembering the day Ginny turned 15 and ran into Harry the next morning in the burrow.

On him however the effect seemed to be tremendously stronger. His eyes widened almost comically. Tom let out a suffocated gasp clutching his hand to his chest and furrowing his brows. Letting out a strangled groan he could no longer hold himself up, sinking to his knees while squeezing his eyes shut.

Panicking because he looked like he was in pain, you fell to your knees infront of him right away, your hands releasing your essay which fell to the ground. „Tom! Tom are you alright?“, you tried to get his attention while keeping your voice down, really not wanting anyone else witnessing this moment. Getting no reaction from him except more overwhelmed noises, your hands gently cradled his face as if it’s already absolutely normal.

His eyes opened right away, finding yours again and he pressed out: „It’s…it’s too much…Ahh…“ „It’s alright, it’s alright“, you whispered trying to calm him, still not knowing what’s going on, „come on, why don’t we sit down over there, can you stand?“

Helping him get up, you wrapped your arm around his waist and you two slowly made your way over to the bench infront of the bay window. Sitting down you released his waist, but he immediately grabbed your hands again, his breathing still strained. Giving him time to calm down, you sat together in silence, while your focus shifted to the way your hands were held by his and the way that made you feel. No matter how corny this’ll sound, you didn’t ever want to let go.

You heard the rain tapping on the window, while Tom slowly got his breathing under control. „You…you are my soulmate.“, he finally opened his mouth with an almost steady voice. „Yeah I guess“, you muttered biting your lips, your eyes trained on your hands and suddenly not being brave enough to meet his. What would happen now? Would he be happy? Would he reject you? Would he let you change his mind or would he try to include you in his plans?

„I did not think that I would have a soulmate“, he told you and you remembered Dumbledore telling you about the love potion he was conceived under. Still, you had to act like you didn’t know anything at all, looking at him confused: „Why would you think that? Doesn’t everyone?“ His dark eyes searched yours, and you were briefly worried; remembering that he was already skilled at legilimency, but he continued before you could dwell on the thought too much.

„Yes you’re right, forget what I said it doesn’t matter“, he said and it was obvious to you that eventhough he believed you were his soulmate, he still didn��t outright trust you. „How are we going to do this?“, you asked, unsure how to proceed. „I’m not quite sure I know what you mean Miss Granger“, he had a small smile on his face, but his voice sounded a little on edge.

„I mean, do you want to keep this“ - you let go of his left hand and gestured between you two - „a secret? Or should we let people know? Or I mean do you even want me as you soulmate?“, the last question just burst out of you and you immediately blushed lowering your gaze.

You didn’t mean for that to come out, but just because this was a mission didn’t mean you weren’t still a teenage girl meeting your soulmate for the first time. And considering it was normal in this time to reject your soulmate if you saw fit and with Tom being so sought-after and admittedly goodlooking, you were feeling slightly insecure.

„Excuse me?“, he said with a sharp voice taking his free hand and pulling your chin upwards to look at him, „Yes, I want you as my soulmate and yes I want people to know. Why would you even think that I don’t?“ He looked almost angry, making you even more nervous. Still it made you feel some type of way that he seemed to be so sure.

„I-it’s just I’m muggleborn and I mean I’ve had a few run-ins with your friends“, you said biting your lip anxiously, „I don’t think they’d be too happy with me.“ His eyes were not moving from yours and you couldn’t look away. Second after second went by and he seemed deep in thought, his jaw clenched and no emotion visible on his face. Finally he seemed to have made a decision. „Trust me, you do not have to worry about them from now on. And it does not matter that you are muggleborn“, he said and you released a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

„Okay“, you said with a shaky voice, but you couldn’t fight the smile that was making its way onto your face. If he didn’t want to be with you, Voldemort- no, Tom would never tell you he didn’t care about you being muggleborn. Maybe it was possible to change him.

His hand went from your chin to your face and his thumb softly traced your cheek. You blushed again, the effects of the soulmate bond really starting to settle in now. His eyes looked way softer now, not as sharp as before. The clock in the library chimed three times, disrupting the moment and announcing that there were only ten minutes left until curfew.

Tom cleared his throat and pulled his hand back, his face getting that guarded look again. „Allow me to escort you back to you common room Miss Granger?“, he asked overly polite and stood up, clasping his hands behind his back. „I’d like that“, you couldn’t suppress a slight giggle, „and you can call me (Y/N), Tom.“ He just nodded, but his posture relaxed a little bit.

You picked up your unfinished essay (which would definitely be a problem tomorrow in potions) and lead the way to the tables you were sitting at previously and noticed Avery was already gone. „I told him to go before I came after you, I figured something like this would happen“, Tom explained, noticing that you noticed. „Makes sense“, you smiled while starting to pack your things into your bookbag, Tom being faster and waiting right next to you.

„Let me“, he held out his hands after you put your last book in the bag, looking at you with one eyebrow raised. For a moment you were confused about what he wanted, but you quickly handed him the bag once you realized he wanted to carry it for you. Only being used to the boys from your time, this was such a cute act that made you feel all warm inside.

He slung your bag over the same shoulder his was on, before holding out his elbow to you. Understanding faster this time you looped your arm through his and couldn’t stop the blush from creeping up your neck. This was all so oldfashioned, but you had to admit you really liked it.

—————————

Second part already! If you want me to tag you in the new parts just lmk <3

@darkenwolfie