#i was just looking for a good safe place to cry and vent i didnt know we were getting profound at 10pm

[youthsinister]

I read some poetry last night and cried so hard I had to call my mom saying I hated the human condition and my mom said "It's ok to be sad but you have to remember to make yourself happy. Happiness doesn't just come, it's something you have to work on. You can complain that you want happiness but if you can't make yourself happy you don't know what happiness is and can't expect to find it in others. Once you know internal happiness, it'll come to you."

[ogeeitsme]

Grounding...

[whumpndump]

Whumpee kept in a small, dark, empty room, in complete isolation. The door is soundproof, and nobody ever visits them. There is one thing in the room, however. When they were first brought there, the chloroform soaked rag that was used to sedate them has been uncaringly dumped in the cell as well, and as nobody ever enters, it was never noticed.

At first whumpee thinks nothing of the rag, thinking only that it still smells vaguely funny.

A few days in, whumpee finds themself occasionally picking up the rag, looking at it, counting the fibers, anything for entertainment.

A week in its become somewhat of a comfort item, something they hold close on cold nights when everything is just too much.

A month in, whumpee finds themself talking to it. Venting their frustrations, bemoaning their despairs, reminiscing the good times, all to this scrap of cloth (that is technically the reason they are in there in the first place). They see it as somewhat of a friend now, and are too far gone to care how strange that is.

Several months in the rag is a comrade in arms, a fellow prisoner in this cell, the only person whumpee has left in this world to rely on. They swear that sometimes, when they talk to it, it talks back. Its the closest thing theyve had to genuine conversation in so long, this piece of cloth is their best friend.

Now I have two ideas for an ending, both taking place about a year or two into isolation, so here they both are:

1. People come to rescue whumpee, maybe their friends from before they were captured. Its a high speed situation, the team rushing in, trying to grab everyone in the facility who was being held prisoner, then rushing out again. Whumpee is screaming and crying in caretaker's arms as they run away.

"NO! PLEASE! YOU FORGOT THEM!! NO, PLEASE, GO BACK!!!"

Whumpee pleads this all the way back to safety, continuing to cry and beg for hours, and the rescue team are confused. They had taken down whumper, and confirmed that everyone held captive was freed. They chalked it up to whumpee being in shock, and tried to calm them down, explaining over and over that everyone was safe now.

Whumpee just kept on crying, knowing that their best and only friend was going to rot in that cell, and nobody but them cared.

2. Whumpee had managed to fall asleep finally. The cold concrete floors made it hard, and they only seemed to sleep 3-ish times a week, but when they slept, they slept deep.

So deep, in fact, that they didnt hear the door opening, or footsteps quickly tiptoeing in, only to leave just as fast.

When they next awoke, they sat up and looked around their cell for their companion.

Who was gone.

Whumpee wanted to scream. Wanted to beat the walls with their fists until blood dripped down. They thought they were already at their lowest point, but the rug had just been pulled out from under them, revealing they had so much further to fall.

Shellshocked and apathetic, whumpee curled up in the corner of the room with tears silently streaming down their face.

"Oh well," they said out-loud to nobody, voice tinged with delirium, eyes hollow and smile strained, "It...it was just a rag..."

[glitr-z]

Ok so,,, I basically just lurk and admire things in my own little corner. I dont use socials. I haven't been on tumblr for a loooong long while. Twitter is,,, scary. But I have to have a place to grieve about this where I can find others who understand. So I'm here. To vent. To find comfort. Let go.

I never formally got to interact with the fandom since I never built up the courage to try (I'm very socially anxious on the internet 💀), but Ranfren has seriously been something special to me over the past year I knew of it and has brought me immense joy in my own small corner.

And I'm Beyond Devastated that this has all come out about Captian.

It was funny!! It was spooky!! It was super funky!! It had anime !!! Its was just the right meld of these elements and god it was a vibe. The level of inspiration I was drawing from their work specifically was on a level I haven't felt before. I dont think another artist has ever griped me with their style like that, given me that "a-ha!" Moment about what direction I wanna take my own style in. It actually was so inspirational it was part of what helped me get back on track last year trying to pursue art school again. Captain's weird and wonderful characters and surreal artworks went on my vision board cause I felt that strongly about wanting to find a style like that. I wanted to try and get the courage to thank Captian one day for seriously giving me hope again, maybe after I got in and refined my own style so I had something to show for it. maybe I would have even cried happy tears and did the whole dreams do come true bit standing in my dormroom.

And then this.

I'm now not crying happy tears. Just normal ones.

I'm still going to go forward to art school believe me - this is not the only thing that has been pushing me onwards as my household isnt a safe place. Fending of depression and trying to keep all the emotions at bay long enough so I can focus on moving forward, moving twoards living, has taken longer than I'd want to admit. But I seriously didnt need another bullet in my heart through this already trying time.

As much as I dearly love the webcomic, I absolutely cannot condone the harmful actions that have been carried out. and I can't continue enjoying the comic in good conscience when I know these things. And the way it's being handled leads me to believe there likely wont be a satisfactory conclusion to all of this, if there was any hope of one to begin with. Yes, people can change, people make mistakes, but if they can't see the clear pain its causing and realize its vitally important to at least give a small unofficial apology before they make a bigger one, and have the audacity let their friends deflect the blame for them ? When the bloods on their hands? Reguardless of what the truth is I'm doubting they sincirely care based on how it's being handled. And that makes me so sad. So so so so so very sad...

I hope they eventually do the right thing and make an actual apology soon? But I know I will not be able to look at Ranfren with the same soarkle in my eyes. And with all things considered that just fucking sucks.

[let--yourself--grow]

ED BEHAVIORS

Hey...

im here crying cause i planned my lunch, kinda a safe meal.. im crying because i like, after i finished my lessons to cook for myself, i went to the kitchen and saw my mom making lunch, and she was like "see im making you vegetables on the oven" im so mad and pissed off at myself because i couldn't and still cant appreciate it, i just looked and saw the most fear food that it still buggs me, wich is oil, and she used it a lot, and i said, "i didnt want it like that" ofc she was kinda disappointed... its a challenge recovery, and its okay to have bad days ..idk why i cant trust food cooked by other people, im afraid of it.. i know how i cook things, i know how i do this and do that... but in recovery you have to challenge yourself, you have to overcome those fear...

another thing that bugged me, but still.. i asked the strawberry jam, the one with no sugar and low cal.. they bought me the normal one, just sat there and cried it out.. you may think its childish.. but its a real deal.. and its so sad that now we cry over food.. but still today i've decide to eat it, and so i did, im proud of me.. but still i tought only one thing a day.. and now my mom WITH LUNCH i swear that im going to explode...

I just want to vent, this is my safe place.. and i need to remember myself sometimes its okay to have still those voices in your head, its okay but i need to be strong and lock them up, put them at a zero volume.. but still... i really dont want to eat, the voices that every day are in my head they keep saying try to skip one meal, just try, you looked so good that summer when you starved yourself. I hated it even if a part of me loved it.

that is so sad

but i want to be happy

i want to be confident

i want to live life 100% and dont need to be and feel miserable all the time.

Its hard i know, but life comes with challenges so keep it up.

breath in, its gonna be OKAY.

[slygirl666]

Where We Part (F.W)

pt 1 of we aren't just friends

authors note: this is a vent fic 100% it will be randomly updated and everything can be red as a one shot unless otherwise stated. based off of comfort songs or songs I’m just feeling. edited as of 9/9/21

summery: when your Boyfriend Cedric leaved you for someone new, the most unlikely person comforts you. 

parings: Slytherin!reader X Fred Weasley; (past) Slytherin!reader X Credric Diggory

words: 1,277

Yeah when I was young you could tie my tongue and weaken my knees

But the lines been drawn and I'm moving on, and another (boy) will come along

-taking back my heart by Rusty Clanton

you walked through the platform looking for your boyfriend Cedric Diggory, you smiled at the thought of seeing him after only being able to owl all summer while you were with  your parents on vacation.

You couldn’t find him before eleven, so you went on looking for him on the train. Through the front seats to the back compartments. You found him talking to Cho Chang in the middle of the train. He was leaning into her and she giggled shyly.

Cedric was a very touchy person, a flirt even, if it were anyone else you would have thought nothing of it.

But it was Cho freaking Chang, the “prettiest” girl in your  year. You and Cho had history, you were best friends until fourth year. You had been head over heels for Adrian Pucey, even going as far as asking him for help in the common rooms. Cho knew you told eachother everything, yet still a week later you found them snogging at your favorite reading spot on the grounds. You had never felt so betrayed, you wouldn't have been so mad if Cho had told you but she lied and let you run your mouth like a fool.

Everything turned up when you and Cedric were assigned a DADA presentation together. The two of you got along well, he was sweet and understanding. When you admitted your feelings had a smile that you thought about for weeks.

“Cedric, darling?” Cedric turned, sweeping you into his arms and placed a kiss on your forehead. You decided to put on a show giggling. “I missed you, two months was too long.”

“It absolutely was, sweetheart.” he pulled you towards a cart giving Cho a sweet smile you mirrored as she rolled her eyes at you.

* * *

With Cedric being one of the champions the two of you started to fall apart. You felt it but couldn’t help but hold on. Cedric was thoughtful, sweet and everything good in the world. You didn’t get enough of that at home. He was safe and made you feel warm and loved.

With all the buzz of the Yule ball you hoped he’d be willing to hold on too.

But in the middle of a lovely November evening, sitting in the courtyard he did it. He let you go. “Y/N, darling, we just aren't working. You’ll always be special to me it’s just we-”

“We’ve grown apart,” you laughed humorlessly. “You’ve been distancing yourself ced, its like you wanted us to brea-”

You stopped, he wanted you two to break up and for it to be on you too. All the cancelled study dates, too busy for a chat, the guys want to hang out today. You felt like a dumbass.

“Get away from me,” your voice cracked but you refused to let him see tears. “You did this because of her, didnt you?”

His silence told you everything as you walked off with all the pride you could muster.

You didn't feel like going to your dormitory, you didn’t have any friends in Slytherin so why would you. It was almost curfew but you couldn’t care less. The astronomy tower is a good place to get lost.

You walked up stairs when you opened the door the tears were nonstop. You couldn’t tell if it had been two minutes or hours when you heard a russell going on under where you were sitting.  You quickly whipped your face on your sleeves as the footsteps got closer.

“L/N?” you turned to see one of the Weasley twins. “Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, filch almost caught me putting-”

Your sniffle interrupted him. His smirk fell instantly as he went to sit next to you. “Shit, what happened L/N?”

“Cedric broke up with me for someone else,” you swallowed the lump in your throat. Your head pounded and your throat felt scratchy.

“Git.” he rolled his eyes, moving a long strand of hair out of his face. “You shouldn’t cry over him.”

“It’s hard not to,” you sighed. The tears stopped but you could see the mess of mascara and eyeliner on your nose and cheeks. “Goddric, I'm a bloody mess over that prick.”

He reached into his bag pulling out a pack of tissues handing it to you, “you’re still a sight.”

You laughed, “I bet you’d say that to a crying troll.”

“Only if it was pretty already,” he laughed. This one was Fred Weasley, a school known flirt.

You sat in comfortable silence with the red head until you decided to head to your room.

“Thank you Fred, it means a lot that you’d sit with a crying slytherin.”

“L/N, it wasn’t a problem, and that pretty boy isn’t with your pretty tears.” he waved goodbye.

* * *

The Yule ball was an event that dragged. You showed up alone, Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang would not be getting the best of you.

Your extravagant black gown showed off your cleavage and the slit in it was deemed scandalous, snape almost didn’t let you enter.

You sipped at whatever drink was placed in front of you. Glaring at the champions table as said couple looked sweetly at each other. When the dancing began you knew you had to try and enjoy it. You danced with a few of the Durmstrang boys who came alone. No one stood out to you.

An hour into it you walked out to get fresh air.

“You are thinking way too hard for someone looking so pretty at a party.” you whipped your head to the side, Fred weasley stood there looking handsome as ever in his dress robes. He eyed you up and down with a smile. “Lucky date you got.”

“I’m my own date,” you smiled at him twirling, your face dropped almost instantly. “Godric, it's hard to put on a smile and dance with some guys.”

“Saw you in there,” he nodded towards the door reaching into his robe for his flask. “Thought the rugged and built type might be something to get your mind off of Diggory.”

“Pretty boy is my type though,” you took the flask as he offered it to you. Taking a long drink you pulled a face as it burned through your throat.  “What is that?”

“Muggle stuff, it's a bit stronger.” Fred laughed at your face. “Care for a dance?”

“Won't your date mind?” you smiled up at him, you really weren’t going to refuse the offer but you wouldn't let him know that.

“She's been dancing with all our friends. I don't think she’ll care.” he offered an elbow to you that you took.

“Just one dance, Weasley.”

“All I want.” The warm rush from resenting the hall took over as the two of you walked in. The song playing was a slow muggle one you somewhat recognized.

You started swaying in his arms a respectable distance away. Fred rolled his chocolate eyes at you. “Not scared of a gryffindor are you?”

You shook your head in response but swallowed thickly.

Fred pulled you by the waist so that there was no space between the two of you. Even in  ungodly tall shoes he towered over you. He leaned his head down talking to you, forehead against your noses so close to touching you could almost feel the light pressure of it.

He led you in a soft sway that brought the two of  you in a small circle.

He cracked jokes in a whisper making you giggle at the feeling of his breath against your face. The song was longer than you thought it had already been a good three minutes and you were still so intensely wrapped up in this boy you've only talked to five times in the last six years.

The song struck a final chord. With a sad smile you took your hand out of his. “Thanks Fred, I needed a dance with a partner that I kind of know.”

You leaned up to kiss his cheek. He grabbed your hand and pulled you to  his lips brushing your ear to whisper.“Diggory didn’t take his eyes off of us.”

[simpfortheseven]

FBDBDHBD YOUR STUFF IS SO GOOD I LOVE THE CRYING AT YELLING HC

If you do take requests could you do an MC that is very passive / bad at communicating emotions ?? (Obey me)

I have the same issue with yelling cause of

Trauma and a toxic ex💕

, and on the flip side I struggle with telling ppl how I feel, which means even though I’m not comfortable with something , I’m too much of a people pleaser/ too nervous to say anything -

Has led to not so fun issues but it’s under decent control now that I’m older and healthy - feel like that could be an issue since some of them are a little ... invasive - like safe words ???? Lmao I wish , I’d be too scared to say anything

Hun- THANK YOU THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING IVE EVER WROTE! I also dont think ive ever gotten such a relateable ask. I TOO STRUGGLE WITH THIS. And yes I'll take asks all day, every day, even if I dont get it done it still inspires me to look into new things and topics i might not have seen.

also. I just lost a 2k word fic I wrote. You all cannot COMPREHEND HOW MAD I AM.

anyways! Sorry i didn't see this until midnight my time probably weeks after @miraculous-ladyfrog sent it ;-;

---

Lucifer

x This man knows a thing or two (cause hes seen a thing or two *plays insurance commercial we are farmers babadumbumbumBUMB U M*)

x will become a mini therapist for you, a safe place

x Great secret keeper, and great at helping you express emotions in a healthy way (like writing or something)

x in short: very helpful at easing you into communicating emotions

Mammon

+Pretends he doesnt notice but he does

+He does understand cause he doesnt let his true emotions out, like when his brothers tease him

+Is a good shoulder to cry on if you find things have gotten overwhelming

+Mammon 100% would ask someone else how he can help you start feeling better

+In short; hes a tsundere what do you expect

Levi

. He doesnt quite understand it

. Even if he holes himself up a lot he still is pretty good about his emotions (until ya know, we totally best him in the TSL tournament 😎)

. Will let you play his video games if it helps you start to express emotions better

. like anger and things

. Also will let you use some of his plushies to hug if you are overwhelmed

. in short: pretty chill but also doesnt get it

Satan

*He 100% understands not communicating how you feel cause he does it all day long

*But! he is the best person to ask about coping mechanisms and help

*He will make you tea and tell you that its a free space and you can unload on him

*if youre overwhealmed he will read to you to help you feel better

*in short: Same as luci, but even better

Asmo

>Does not compute

>He always says what's on his mind (No matter how dirty) so he doesnt get it

>but if you're upset, he'll paint your nails or so face scrubs with you to help you relax

>Will need satans help to help you

>In short: Doesnt get it but tries his best to help you

Beel

°BABY BOI

°WILL DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO HELP YOU

°asks Satan and lucifer for help

°And asks you what he can do to maybe help you

°Similar to some of his other brothers, he will always listen to you and is a safe space

°did i mention comfort food

°in short: sweet cinnamon roll man tries very hard to comfort you and male you feel like you can say things without worrying about making people upset

Belphie

~half gets it

~please be nice to him if he falls asleep while talking to you and lettijg you vent if you finally express how youve been feeling

~he didnt mean to promise

~Cuddles you to make you feel better and more trusting of him

~Will NOT ask lucifer for help so has Beel do it for him

~In short: he cared but doesnt know how to help

---

I hope these are good but I'm very tired-

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so it’s self-hate hour <3. today was good until it wasn’t. and like??? i fail one thing that doesnt matter (except it does, but it doesnt really) it just set me off. and i havent really told any family about it. i just hate all of it so much. i cant do grades like a normal fucking person. or take tests without anxiety. i just feel like a failure. this happens every fucking time. EVERY TIME i fail one thing, it’s suddenly “im done” and a switch snaps in my brain. and i hate myself. and im a failure. and i cry and scream. and want to jump out of a fucking window, or walk in front of a fucking car. because of a grade. and i dont know if it’s because i expect myself to always be the best, and gifted kid bullshit. or because im actually losing it and nothing’s going to get better.

every time i form a fucking hyperfixation, i ruin it myself, or it’s ruined for me. i cant watch my favorite shoes because of negative memories tied to it. nobody around me likes x thing, so i would have to explain and i always feel like im being annoying about it. 

i just hate it so fucking much. i feel welcome in a place, then i don’t, because things happen and people change, and people lie. and i feel like no matter where i am, i always have to watch my fucking back. and i just want to feel safe for once somewhere. here i do, but i feel like ive got to prepare myself for something else bad to happen, and it just sucks. my friends always seem to leave. or i send them away. and i get nightmares and think about it day after day. its almost been a fucking year since i got rid of someone. and i still fucking think about her. and i hate myself for it. she was toxic, i was toxic. i ignored all the warning signs (like i always do) and got hurt. and i miss her. but i dont. it was fun while it lasted, but i couldnt do it anymore. and i fucking initiated it. so i feel like it was my fault. when it wasn’t, but im sure she isn’t having fucking nightmares about me, about everything being normal. she fucking forgot about me. and so has everyone else. and so WILL everyone else. 

why do i have to be like this.....i cant like things like a normal person. i dont talk about things like a normal person. and i know being conventionally attractive, or whats considered conventionally attractive to society is bad for a lot of people. but i just feel so fucking ugly. i dont see me when i look at me. i cant talk because im like “your brain doesnt match your body, you fuck” and it sucks. derealization sucks. and im just now figuring out that it’s a big issue for me. my hair becomes a sensory issue sometimes, when i wear it a certain way and im just trying to look how i want to and i cant. because i dont know who i am. i dont use the words “pretty” or “cute” when describing myself. might be a gender thing. but it’s because i, myself am confusing. god i look at my classmates and go “thats a normal looking person, thats a cute person” and i cant even look myself in the mirror and see who i am, or who i appear as to other people.  gender is confusing, my own gender is confusing. i dont know what it is. and im just...confused. i need an answer, but for once, there isn’t one for me.

the one week im supposed to be relaxing and here i am, stressing over dumb shit. and hating myself. and just digging myself further and further into the disgusting pit that is my brain and self-hatred. but i cant seem to stop. so im gonna be a bit sad for a while. and im not happy that today wasnt that good. i was sad today. and i didnt fucking eat lunch because i was busy indulging in a special interest. barely had a dinner.

when am i going to stop feeling so guilty about everything i do....i want to be happy. i want to be with my friends. and give them hugs. and go shopping at the mall, and be teenagers and pick out clothes and be stupid. i want to cry in someone’s shoulder after not seeing them for so long. and watch a movie. go to the skating rink and scrape my knees, like i used to. i want to go on road trips and conventions and see cosplayers and other people and have fun and not be able to sleep because im too excited.i want to read with a friend in a field, after having a picnic and just sit there for a while. come back late. i just want things to be okay again. because i know normal doesnt really exist anymore, nor will it ever do so as it did. i miss that. i miss fun. i miss feeling happy. i just want to be okay again.

[hardyimagines]

Late Night

Drabble!

( why do I keep doing drabbles!!!! )

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The worn, old record player in the corner, perched up on the recently purchase vanity, was beyond slightly noisy. The scratching of the needle was agitating as you laid on your side on the gray sofa. You didnt have the willpower to climb off of the furniture and submerge yourself in silence. The annoying noise was better than being alone with your thoughts. And you couldn’t imagine any more stress than what you were drowning in currently. Even with the scratching, you’d still been replaying the events from earlier that day over and over and over again in your head until your tear ducts had run dry. Your sticky, damp eyes were growing increasingly droopier and you were positive that it was due to the late hour.. not because of the incessant crying. The clock in the corner ticked audibly, dragging your attention to it every few moments. It was three in the morning and you were beginning to think that Reggie wasn’t coming home. He should’ve been home hours ago.

The porchlight flickered visibly through the white sheer curtain that hung over the window. It’s dim glow held a faint buzzing and crackling sound as it struggled to stay lit. You used the back of your hand to wipe at your angry eyes before lowering your glistening hand to the sofa. Your leftover tears stained your skin, drying in place on your wrist. You rolled over on to your back then, to try and find a position that was comfier. You stared up at the ceiling, counting the cracks that needed to be fixed. If Reggie didn’t come home, you wouldn’t be able to sleep.

There was a dull thud from the room above, the sound of something heavy falling. The hollow sound was followed by a low grunt and then the sound of Ron Kray’s voice, drifting through the vents in the ceiling as he swore under his breath because he hadn’t meant to drop whatever he had. You sighed in heightened annoyance. Not only would Reggie’s lack of presence make it hard to sleep, but Ron’s loudness would simply add to the difficulty of giving yourself over to the impossible, but much needed, slumber.

You were momentarily distracted, ears alert, hunting for another sound — anything. It was quiet, apart from the faint buzzing from the porch light. Your droopy eyes fluttered, briefly gliding to the record which had somehow quietened itself. You didn’t wonder what had done it, if the needle had broken, you didn’t care. You merely looked away and focused on the dim glow of the porch light. Your eyes drooped further, threatening to fall shut and stay that way, but that didn’t mean you’d sleep. It just meant you were going to cast yourself in the darkness behind your eyelids. Your lashes fluttered harder, lids closing completely. You found it hard to open them and figured that if you laid still for long enough, your body would have no choice but to give itself over to the featherlight state of oblivion. Seconds ticked by into minutes and you could feel your body, drifting and drifting further and further away. Tossing and turning was sure to ensue, but even just a few minutes of sleep was better than none at all.

“You don’t have time for me anymore. I don’t want to fight with you, Reggie, but I can’t do this.” Your shaky finger clasped around the bright, expensive wedding ring that hadn’t even cradled your ring finger for a year. “You’re never home. You get here when dinner is cold and no longer edible. I sleep alone on most nights. I spend my days wondering what you’re doing, if you’re okay, if you’re coming home..” You roughly set the ring down on the table. It clinked noisily against the wood, drawing a narrowed glare from Reggie. “It wasn’t like this before, you use to want to spend every minute with me, take me out on dates, and now, now I’m lucky if I even get to say good morning or goodnight.”

“You think I wanna be out, do you? Away from my fucking wife?” He stepped forward. You felt small beneath his tall form, bulging and broad. He seemed bigger when he was mad. “Right, that’s what you fucking think. Yeah, I’d much rather be out, handling the club and dealing with the fucking Richardson’s, wouldn’t I?”

You were quiet.

“Come on, now. yeah, you had a lot to say a few seconds ago, didn’t you, babe, come on then.” He slunk forward further. His heightened stress made his tongue feel numb and his lungs ache for the addictive nicotine. He sunk his hand into his pocket and gripped the packet of cigarettes. Flicking the package open with his thumb, he grasped one of the sticks and drew it out with a shake of his head. He placed the thing between his lips before turning away from you so he could hunt for a lighter.

“I don’t think you want to be out there, Reggie, but you obviously don’t want to be here with me. If you did, you’d be here, wouldn’t you? I don’t even feel like I’m married. Feels like I’m just waiting..” Your heart ached with the question that always seemed to find its way to the front of your mind. It scared you to ask him because the answer really was unknown, but you had to know. You wanted to hear him say it. He hadn’t reminded you that he did since the beginning of the relationship. “Do you even love me anymore?”

The click of the door closing woke you instantly. You sat up on the sofa, defensive and alert. Squinting your blurry, sleepy eyes toward the door, a very soft, inaudible sigh of relief left your lips at the sight of your husband. He was dragging off his coat, shaking it to ensure nothing was left in the deep pockets. You lifted your hand to your face and rubbed down your aching head. Your dream had been a recollection of the fight from earlier. Word for word, action for action.

“S’just me. What the fuck are you still doing up?” Reggie asked gruffly. He wreaked of cigarettes and booze. You were sure he hadn’t been drinking, but owning a business that sold large amounts of alcohol meant that he smelled as if he’d drank the club to emptiness. His blue eyes were penetrative and studious, watching you as you tiredly stood. Gathering yourself, you smoothed down the wrinkled blouse you wore before looking toward the long corridor that led to the bedroom.

“Waiting on you, as per usual.” You uttered. There was no time for fighting tonight. It was late, you were both exhausted. You just needed to know that he’d made it home safe.. now you could sleep and you’d sleep good. The bottoms of your feet noisily pat the hardwood floor as you made your way toward the corridor. Reggie caught your small hand in his slyly, halting you before you could make it into the hall. His hair was still slicked back neatly as he peered down at you, wrinkled lines forming across the length of his forehead as he pursed his plump, pink lips. His white shirt was rolled at the cuff, up to the bottom of his wrists and you felt the warmth that radiated off of him as he cradled your palm in his own.

“Hang on a second, yeah. You dont mind if I..” His features looked so innocent — deceivingly innocent. Your heart ached at how sweet and vulnerable he appeared. “come to bed with you? Don’t really want to sleep on the fucking couch.” His free hand moved to the base of his neck. He scratched at the hair that resided there, smiling sweetly toward you.

You frowned in the slightest before pulling your hand away from his own. “It’s not only my bed, Reggie.” The lack of warmth embracing your hand made you want to cry, but you put on a brave, unbothered face and made your way back down the hall so that you could climb into bed. The clothing you wore was scratchy and uncomfortable, too hot and tight to sleep in, but you didn’t want to risk the fact that he could very easily come into the room and catch you undressing. That would lead to the easiest, best form of making up and you didn’t want that — there needed to be a conversation in the process of this making up. You dropped down heavily against the mattress, body heavy and eyes the same; but you didn’t feel unconsciousness tugging at you just yet.

Reggie followed you into the bedroom, a certain rock in his walk. His black trousers hugged his hips and held his tucked in shirt securely. He fixed his crooked tie and ensured each button was fastened correctly. He knew it didn’t matter how handsome he looked, the pair of you had fought and talking was the only way to fix it — not attraction or anything physical. He let out a drawn out sigh, an exhausted noise that made you want to inquire if he was okay.

You remained silent.

Reggie dropped down on the edge of the bed. His widespread knees lined up perfectly with his boots, thudding quietly against the floor each time he shifted. He pulled at the tie around his neck, undoing it from its looped do. He tossed it on to the chair in the corner before beginning to undo the shirt buttons. You laid on your side now, watching him undress. You were still mad, but you figured you could at least enjoy the view.

Maybe not.. you decided as your heart began to pathetically flutter. Weakening yourself wasn’t going to solve anything. Your eyes closed before he removed his shirt fully. His tanned, hot skin was on show for a few seconds as he moved around the room shirtless, looking for something else to put on that would be comfortable enough to sleep in. You were drifting once more, in between slumber and dreaming. Your body couldn’t quite figure out which one to do. So it resumed its recollection of memories from what had happened earlier that day.

“Don’t be daft, right, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, haven’t you?” Reggie shook his head in disbelief. His expression warned you to stop, not to push any further and just let the whole situation go. But you wanted to have this talk. You didn’t want to feel the way that you felt anymore. He was always gone and you deserved better.

“Reggie, if you loved me. You’d make time for me. The only time I ever get to spend with you is a few minutes in the morning if I wake up before the sun does so I can bid you farewell when you go off to work..” You hissed before cupping your cheeks in annoyance. The longer that the two of you argued, the angrier you were going to get.

“Put that ring back on your finger.” He was too calm. He moved away from you and the table and instead toward the armchair in the center of the room. His heavy body dropped down on the navy-colored fabric, arms finding their place on the armrests. He tipped his head back and allowed it to rest against the back of the seat, eyes closing after a few seconds. The room was quiet, so he didn’t have to strain his ears too hard as he waited for you to drag the ring off the table and slip it back on to your finger.

“I’m not putting that back on until we’ve had a talk. This isn’t how I went to spend the rest of my life. I’m unhappy.” The words were sharp, each one a painful jab to his heart. He shuffled in the seat, expression calm. It was as if your words didn’t hurt him.. and truthfully, they probably didn’t hurt too much. He knew you loved him. Why else would you wait to confront him? A woman that had fallen out of love would’ve just left.

“Not gonna be much talking right now, is there. I’ve got to go to work.” He told you quietly. His eyes fluttered open then. “But once I’m home, then we can talk. If you put that ring back on.”

There was a warning feeling in your stomach. It twisted and churned painfully, begging you to throw the ring at the bloke on the chair and leave. He wouldn’t be home until the sun was about to start rising. Despite the feeling in your gut, you snatched the jewelry off the table and shoved it onto your hand.

“You’re off to a great fucking start.” You barked sarcastically before leaving the room. The sound of your heels, loudly clapping against the hardwood floor, could be heard even once you’d vanished into the bedroom.

Reggie stood from the armchair. Hooking his fingers in his belt loops, he tugged his trousers up into their appropriate position before sauntering after you. His movements were sly, unrushed, and calm as he made his way down the corridor. The door at the end of the hall was the room that the pair of you shared so without so much as a knock, he turned the handle and nudged the wood open. You were sat on the bed, heels dangling from the tops of your feet as you stared down at your lap. He was still silent. His boots thudded loudly against the ground when he started to move in your direction and with every inch of space that was lost in the gap, you felt yourself tensing further and further.

It was only when Reggie came to a stop, directly in front of your knees, that you finally looked up at him. His blue eyes moved between your glistening, desperate ones. He hunched over, a gesture of his that you were no longer familiar with. His hands found the outer sides of your thighs, grazing them delicately as he closed the space between the two of you and took a few kisses. It would’ve been right for you to pull away, but you’d craved the lips he had on your own, so pushing him back wasn’t an option. It actually felt good. It was one of the things you missed the most from your husband so as he stood, kissing your seated form, you felt a little barrier around your heart break away. Your arms circled his neck, holding him close to you as you both kissed one another with such passion. Your mouth opened second, only daring to part when you felt his tongue eager to re-visit your own. You broke the liplock when you felt him lift his knee on to the bed.

He could make time for sex, but not for you. Your brain hissed. You ignored it. Savoring the kiss, you brushed your hands from his neck down to his shoulders when he pulled away. He peered down at you under hooded eyes. His hand moved through your soft strands of hair, caressing them slowly before he leaned in for one more soft kiss.

“I’ll be back as quick as I can.” He promised. He adjusted the tie around his neck and the wrinkled shirt before straightening. “I love you.” His confession was breathy, almost inaudible, and your stomach ached from how good it felt to hear those stupid, silly, unnecessary but desired words.

“Babe.” The snapping of his fingers drew you out of your slumber once more. Sleepily looking toward him, you fisted your hand in the cold sheet and shoved yourself up to a semi-sitting position. Lifting your fingers to your eyes, you rubbed the itchy, droopy lids, trying to wake yourself up. “You wanted to talk. How can we do that if you’re sleeping?” His words made you want to clench your jaw so hard it was close to breaking.

“I did.. I do, Reggie, but I wanted to at a reasonable hour. I had dinner made at 8, I waited until 11, which was pushing it.” You sat up completely on the creaking mattress. “It’s not fair to me, what you’re doing, I’m your wife.” The talk was beginning. “You’re suppose to love me. And it’s one thing for you to say the words, but god.. the least you could do is show me some affection. Today is the first day you’ve kissed me in almost two weeks, Reggie. I’m sick of sleeping alone. I’m tired of waking up to an empty bed. I spend my entire day wondering if I should just go to the club to see you. Don’t you get it?” Your eyes were watering. “I miss you. I’m lonely. Before you married me, it was like you’d do anything for me. You wanted to spend every second with me and now that I’m bound to you.. you’ve grown careless.” Reggie was still stood, no longer looking for something to wear to bed. His arms were folded over his chest, eyes squinted as he studied you. He was listening very closely to everything you said. “I like going on dates. I like being kissed in the morning and at night. I miss having sex.” Your head shook, voice growing breathier at your last confession. “Why the hell did you ask to marry me if you were just going to ignore me afterward? I spend more time with Ron than I do with you.” Collapsing on to your back, your hands moved to cradle your hot face. Every inch of your body was on fire, boiling from your rant.

Your husband sucked in a deep breath of air before slowly moving toward the bed. He placed his knee on the mattress before climbing on top of the springy surface. Folding his legs, he studied your expression, ignoring the dull ache in his heart. He knew he’d caused this. Being busy at work was one thing, but treating work like it was top priority was another. His top priority was right here, crying from exhaustion and emotions. “I’m sorry.” He spoke almost inaudibly. “Right, I didn’t realize how much time it’s been that I haven’t kissed you. And I didn’t realize how much time I’ve been spending away from home.. it all seems so routine for me now, to just work every second of the day.” He sighed before directing his gaze to his lap. “I miss you too, you know. I think about you all day, I don’t realize the hour when I’m heading home to you.” You sniffled quietly before removing your hands from your face. You felt stuffy and ashamed for being so desperate for his affection, but you really couldn’t help it. You missed him so much.

“I want you to want to be home with me. I know work is important business and I know you have to spend a lot of time at the clubs and with the lads, but I wish you’d spend a little more time with your wife as well.” Your words were soft and they pulled a little smile from Reggie. He leaned in in the slightest before pressing his lips against your temple.

“I do want to be home with you, right, I always think I’m home in time for dinner and then I get here and you’re fast asleep and I feel so guilty. I do, babe, you’re everything to me. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” His hand brushed along the bedding toward your own. It was delicate and unrushed, a soft touch just so he could show you that he was right here. He wasn’t going anywhere and he wasn’t letting you go either.

Believing him and forgiving him was so easy because he was so convincing, but actions spoke louder than words, so you knew you’d have to wait until tomorrow to see if he kept his promise. Nodding along to him as he spoke, your small hand wrapped around his larger one more securely, cradling it before you slid toward him so you could wrap your free arm around his strong, broad shoulders. It had been forever since he’d held you while the pair of you rested, so tonight you weren’t giving him a choice. You lugged his big body down, completely on top of your own, and slumped in place. Embracing him snugly, your warm lips found the side of his neck so when you spoke, your words traveled up to his ear.

“I don’t ever want to lose you, Reggie. You mean everything to me.” His skin tickled from your hot breaths, goosebumps rising on his flesh as you spoke. He locked his arms around you securely before turning his head and stealing a very soft kiss.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He murmured as he set his forehead against your own. “I married you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, yeah, so I’ll make some changes with my work schedule. I don’t want you being sad..” He’d had experience with a sad wife in the past and it had torn him to pieces. He couldn’t imagine going through something so painful again. His arms tightened around you and his face pushed into your shoulder so he could bury his features in the warmth of your skin. “This is where I want to be. I want you to always tell me when you feel like I’m not around a lot..” He loved you more than he’d ever loved anyone. He’d never truly understood what love was until you’d come along. He supposed he was still learning the right’s from wrong’s. Family came first. Work came second. He seemed to get those two mixed up when stress was weighing him down, but he was going to work on it. He couldnt bear the thought of losing you — let alone actually doing so.

His fingers laced through yours tighter, remaining like that as he slumped completely on top of you. He was a little bit heavier than you were able to handle, but you knew that he needed comforting too and once he’d had what he needed, he’d roll to the side and guide you with him. Your eyes droopily closed and your free arm slid from his shoulders, south to circle his waist. You clutched onto him gratefully, body feeling deliciously warm and delightfully light. Tonight you weren’t sleeping alone.

Time would tell if he would keep his word, but for now you just wanted to bask in his warmth and soak up every ounce of affection he gave. Who knew when he’d do this again? Tomorrow? Next month? Your eyes closed even tighter and your body wiggled to get closer to his own. You wanted to savor this. Sweet Reggie could be gone tomorrow and Mr. Kray could very well decide he’d much rather stay at the club until 3 am again.

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[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

for tash again pls from https://aplaceforthesoul.tumblr.com/post/620183874016870400/anonymous-submitted-from

i’m really sorry that i keep hammering on about this but some days im ok and i thought im getting over it but sometimes like today it all comes in waves and i’m overwhelmed with sadness and cry about it again and i dont know where else to turn because i dont really have friends and my family expected me to be over it.

i used to have a friend who is still working there (lets call her C). we bonded bcs we’re from the same country, on the same visa, and the same age, although she’s been working there longer than i have. our visas expire around the same time, and we both had spent a lot of time together worried about what to do about it (we wanted permanent residency, but it’s not easy) so we talked about maybe going to regional australia and study something else, maybe we’ll just return home, and we can live together. we bonded over how we were not getting paid, our toxic employers, etc.

C came to australia as a student, on her own, and started working at this restaurant years ago, when it once was a small takeaway shop, before it reopened in a bigger place - thats when i joined the team. in some way, the original boss had acted as a sort of maternal figure to C, who is obviously far away from her family, and she is also epileptic. so the boss had done things like fetch her to and from the airport, the clinic, advice for living in the country, etc. and somehow, in this employer’s twisted mind, she thinks it is then ok to treat C like free help for her shop rather than an employee because she had done all this for her. so instead of paying C properly, as well as paying her super and everything else an employer should do, she finds it ok to abuse C by paying her whenever she likes, screaming at her for not answering her phone, overworking her, etc.

and C has on numerous occasions complained to me about the abuse she went through. she clearly doesnt like the boss, as on numerous occasions she had brought up the idea of reporting the business, she complains about the work, not being paid and the difficulty it had caused her and flat out said doesnt like the working conditions. BUT. if u were to ask her about the NICE things the boss has done for her, she changes her tone. she boasts about the GOOD things the boss has done for her like the flowers for her birthday - the pictures of her holding the bouquet is her profile pic everywhere, and how the boss takes care of her during an epilepsy episode - (and then put her to work the next night.)  i’ve always thought it was weird , but never questioned her more about it. soon after the fallout with the two bosses, i was on the phone with her. i was crying bc i was distressed about the change, and she said: “we are the children, and they are the adults. if the business fails, it fails. let them deal with it. we’ll just carry on our work."

we were talking everyday after that just before i realised i had gotten fired. our last conversation was in february, on the phone, when we were talking about hanging out after work. and suddenly, everything dropped. i realised i had been let go from work, and suspect that the boss had told C not to talk to me anymore. i know C had extended her visa by changing to a student visa, to study cooking, because the boss said she would sponsor her if she did that. she went to study with borrowed money from her family (since she isnt getting paid nearly enough to even pay her rent smh) which is something she told me she didnt want to do. like i dont understand that at all.

what a shit show huh.

now C is not returning my messages. in fact i saw her at the shopping mall just last week. my first instinct was to go up and speak to her, until she spotted me, stopped in her tracks, and went the other direction. i truly did not expect her to be the one to turn her back on me, after everything we’ve been through.

my visa is supposed to expire next month, but after the lockdown my family and i decided that it is the best decision to stay put in australia for the time being. so i applied for a visitor’s visa for a year. the form asked for proof that i had stopped working, in the form of payslips or contract, both of which i dont have, obviously. but i submitted it anyway so now im still waiting on my application.

it just baffles me how one bad employment and two incompetent bosses had fucked up my life this bad. i cant apply for anymore work in australia, so i have no income, the only other person who understood my situation is now gone, now im just waiting until its safe to leave the country. sitting at home, doing nothing but mulling over how i had lost my job, lost my best friend, lost the opportunity to do my masters, and leave the country i had lived in for this long.

im trying not to think about it anymore but its like half a year later and its still causing me grief but nobody knows or gets it.

anyway. sorry that this is long winded i just need to vent. you’re amazing tash, if only i could borrow your residency while you’re in the uk.

hey again <3 yeah getting permanent residency in australia is a nightmare, australia’s government is mostly anti-immigration which makes me sad. 

I can honestly understand why you’re still thinking about this and being negatively impacted by it all, the job gave you hope of completing your masters and staying longer in the country? and hope is a very powerful emotion! to then have it all taken away in such a brutal and unfair and cruel way...well that would affect anyone pretty badly. add in the fact that the ending of the job has created a lot of other negative situations and distress? it makes a lot of sense about why you’re still upset over this. 

this business needs to be reported, honestly what they’re doing is cruel and illegal. it’s quite clear that they are using the promise of sponsoring study as a way to manipulate vulnerable people into underpaid work, it’s also now very clear that they have no intention of following through on that promise -- it’s now become a pattern of behaviour if they did it with C as well as you. they shouldn’t be allowed to continue to operate and to profit off the backs of immigrants and illegal wages. you’re the one who’s suffered, it’s up to you whether you do want to do this? but I would think a lot about it -- I know you mentioned that your parents are close with the owners, but this isn’t ok.

I think all you can do now is put this behind you, accept the reality of the situation and try to be as kind to yourself as you can. spend time looking after yourself, practising self care, prioritising you and your well-being. maybe that means daily exercise and walks, or creating art (clay, painting, drawing?), or spending time gardening, or practising yoga / meditation, whatever works for you. as long as it’s calming and relaxing for you, and you find some measure of peace? then that’s what matters. 

know that what happened to you wasn’t right, it wasn’t your fault at all. you were exploited and taken advantage of, and you didn’t deserve that. try to keep yourself busy as best as you can, take it one day at a time. make a conscious decision to work on letting this go and looking forward, see how things go. I think right now is the hardest bit, because you’re kinda stuck in limbo and there’s lockdown / social distancing measures to deal with too? but once you get moving again and things change, it may have a more positive impact on your mental health when you’re being kept busy again and you have a change of environment. 

I’m glad you were able to vent and get this off your chest, I hope you’re able to find some peace and acceptance moving forward xxx

- tash

[revol-lover]

nope i do need to vent

the thing is like i guess i’m just upset and got triggered by something today because like i can accept i guess what happened to me. well i guess i dont know if accept is the right word but it happened. i cant go back and change a single thing. i know that.

but whenever i’m reminded that what happened wasn’t ok and wasn’t normal and was literally so rare and so abnormal it just makes me so fucking sad because i wind up in the mindset of what if it didn’t happen. what if things went right. the way they were supposed to. who would i be right now? 

i get reminded of who i was before the trauma. i was in such a GOOD place. i was SO happy. i was FREE from a toxic environment that i had patiently waited for YEARS to get out of. it was finally happening. everything was falling into place and i was so happy with my life. and i was so freaking happy to be having my baby, finally. and a daughter too, which was surprising to me because my whole life i was convinced i’d have a son and that like, me getting a daughter would never happen (i wouldve been happy regardless i guess i just never genuinely imagined having a girl so it was a huge happy shock)

and then it all happened and everything came crashing down. starting with not being able to go into labor on my own. being 2 weeks late. being induced. labor forever (over 24hr). push for almost 3 hours. baby not doing well. low apgars. birth injury. immediate nicu transfer. not able to see her except for a quick minute before they sent her to another hospital and even then it was a glimpse, didnt get to hold her. going to bed that night in complete emptiness. complete fucking emptiness. why. why did it have to happen that way? being left alone the next morning so kevin could be with her (this was hard but i wanted one of us to be by her side.) having to suck it up and try my hardest to LOOK “ok” so that i could be discharged early and be able to go with her. have to suck up my pride and call my parents to drive me to the other hospital. mom comes. i get a call from kevin that babies having seizures. i cry. obviously. midwife (she was determined negligent so a lot of all of this is her fucking fault) told me that it was “normal” and “Happens sometimes” “but you pushed her out though!” i wanted to fucking slap her. it wasnt normal. and who cares if i pushed her out? if a c section would’ve prevented this i wouldve gladly done so for my child’s wellbeing the fuck. 

midwife approves d/c. leaves room. i cry. because wtf is my life. wtf is going on with my baby. everything is a disaster. my mom slams her fist on the food tray and tells me “stop crying!!! youll get that post partum shit!!”

...

because that’s how it works

...

i could go on and on about how the day and day after my baby was born were the worst days of my life not the best. the worst. because i literally almost lost her. she could’ve died that night. she had to be in cooling therapy for 3 days so we couldn’t hold her until she was 4 days old. by that point we already got the talk about the future. about how they didnt know if she’d ever walk or talk or if she’d have behavioral or learning problems etc because of her brain injury .it was a fucking lot.  not to mention at the same time i was so sick physically myself (couldnt keep food down. was trying to pump breast milk for her, but would vomit after every time. it was horrible and i stopped before we took her home) i definitely shouldnt have been d/c 12 hours after birth but i had to because i wasn’t going to be away from her for longer .but it just all was so terrifying and we had a hard time bonding initially because of all of this and it was truly such a horrible time. and then the denial from our family. telling us doctors could be wrong and “she looks fine”. people dont realize how hurtful and not help that is. you can be in denial all you want because it is not YOUR child. and no you cant “see” a brain injury.

 and when there’s no reason to think of all this i can go a long time without thinking of it but then it happens

the triggers.

the pampers commercial. the perfect birth story. a photo of a newborn on their mother’s chest.

and all those emotions just come flooding back and it sucks. i grieve for what life could’ve been if this hadnt happened. i grieve the fact that my daughter didnt get to be held for those first 4 days. that her little body had to go through what it did. that she had to lay on a cold pad (it helps slow down the bodies response to injury, which can prevent further damage) for 3 days after being warm and safe inside me for her whole existence.i grieve because although my daughter is doing well, it still should not have happened. shes not out of the woods. kids w her diagnosis have seizures return during developmental points of childhood.i have no idea what school will be like for her -- and the thing is like its ok. i am capable of handling that when/if we get there but.  it just sucks and none of it should’ve ever happened and i cant change anything. i know that. but sometimes i cant help but wonder what wouldve happened if things had gone right. would i have bonded better? would i not have had such a hard time adjusting to new mother hood? would i have had another child by now? would i have continued on that journey of feeling so happy and content with my life that i was on before all of this instead of just feeling kind of empty and jaded a literal 1/2 of the time? not with motherhood, necessarily, because after the first year i started to find myself as a mother more and thanks to the encouragement i got from her early intervention nurse, i really feel certain that i did well that first year especially. like we both (kevin and i) did our best for her and are partially responsible for her good outcome. but  i mean with life. i feel so jaded half the time. because life is unfair. and i knew that but man. no. life can be REALLY fucking unfair and idk where i’m even going with this anymore. sometimes i can find the way to having a mindset again of, we aren’t in control and all that, i get it but, idk. certain things still shouldnt’ happen and sometimes i really wish i could go back to who i ws before all this, when i had a genuine sense of optimism, because i thought, i had been through some of the hardest days already, and that was naive of me to think, but i just could have never predicted what was coming. and i’m still grieving that.

[fishfamau]

“Truly splendid... I recall these memories often, as a sweet sentiment whenever I think of the times when they were small- so small, they could fit easily within my palms..” Jack seemed to ease himself and curl his body, his expression melting to a daydreamy state, soft and content with his thoughts as he looked elsewhere; elsewhere towards where his kids were tussling and toying with eachother, maneuvering and chasing eachother through the thick greens that swayed ever so slightly with the gentle currents, their playful laughter just on his range of hearing.

“It was awhile ago, yes.. I was in the dark depths of which I solemnly called ‘home’ at the time; minding my own business, watching out for anything I could get my hands on to eat, blending in perfectly...” his dreamy grin faltered, a soft frown of concern replacing it, “..thats when I noticed something.”

“Something... slowly sinking down from the lighter depths above me just a bit away- it was small, so.. so very small. Small but bright..” He brought a long claw up to his face, as if hiding his lips as he thought about it. “So I decided to investigate it.. leaving my previous thoughts of food and lonely content behind.”  “As I came upon it, I felt the need to be very careful- so I was. Instead of grabbing the small form, I rather let it drift down into an outstretch hand of mine, letting the frail thing settle before I realized what it seemed to be.”

“Not a normal, brightly colored fish from the surface safe shallows and coral strands, but another Mer, you could say. So tiny, frail... but somehow alive. “Now.. it’d been forever since i’d seen another Mer- let alone a newly born one- I barely recall any of any age actually.. barely and blurry about my own kin.. until that day, and that little baby caught my eyes..”

“The little one may have been alive, by some miracle, but he was not doing very well at the depth he had drifted down into... so I ventured to a safer pressure for him- more alike to the soft and green safe shallows that you see us in now.” “I came to a simple rock standing, with a lushness upon it, softly swaying greens and small fish crowding around a hole in its lower side until I came passing by.. they all scattered, as they usually do.” “I was careful, holding the little one in my hands before I was at a less pressured area.. to which I curled amongst the soft greens and opened my hands to inspect the child.” “He was much smaller than I initially realized.. his colors bright but still pale from being so... n e w..” “And despite the pressure that had gotten to him and the slow currents that had brought him, im assuming, far from home.. his true parents.. he seemed healthy. There was a slight bump on his head, to which I think he may have had a tumble or a small accident before the pressure had anything to do with him, but no damage otherwise. Which.. I was a tad surprised in- he was so eye-catching that I was shocked nothing had tried to eat him yet...” “I kept him comfy and safe until he started to come to, breathing much better than he had in the depths...” “Poor little thing... he didnt seem scared by the sight of me, instead overtly curious..” “When he was finally awake, moving, and seeming all around alright, I tried asking him a few things, hoping he was at least old enough to speak- he was so small, or maybe me so large, that I couldn’t quiet tell...” “So..little one.” “Yeah?” He squeaked, adorably curious. “Do you happen to have a name? I’d much rather call you something other than just ‘little one’...” The small, orange scaled baby thought for a moment, “Uuh..” before blinking at him with big blue eyes, “Nuh-uh! I dunno...” he hugged himself alittle, looking down at his tail, “All I remember was following something.. and then everything going dark!” He peeked up at Jack once again, looking sort of excited, “And then waking up to you!!  I like your nose,,” he babbled slightly, looking shy as Jack inspected him once again for just moment before catching that last bit, and smiling just slightly.. it’d been so long, forever even, since he’d smiled.  “Well, you’ve proven yourself to be rather miraculous, with such a will to live and survive... will..” Jack paused slightly, blinking in thought as the child curled in his hands finally made himself get up and childishly swim up to his face, hands on the tip of his long nose, looking at him with such curiosity it almost seemed too innocent. “..Hm..” “Hm?” the little one mimicked him, which made him chuckle softly. “..How about I call you Will..? I think it suits you quite nicely...” Jack spoke softly now that he was so close. The child thought for a moment, pursing his small lips as he did, “Hmmm...hm! Okay!!” he squeaked, seeming excited, “I’m Will!” He greeted, to which Jack softly laughed and took the small baby off his nose and back into his hands to rest, “Its very nice to meet you, Will..” “Do you have a name?” Jack paused slightly, having to think to recall what he had named himself so long ago.. “..Jack.” “Hi Jack!” “Hello Will,” “Hey Jack?” “..Yes?” “...Can I call you Dad?”  Jack’s old heart swelled at the memory, sighing ever so slightly in content. It was that day, that moment, that he decided to claim little Will as his own. To be the parent he himself never had when he was younger... Jack hadn’t a clue where Will’s original parents were, or from where he had drifted in from on the currents, but he noticed that the little squabbling bundle in his claws didnt seem in the slightest worried about it, or even recall his real parents from that little bump- which made him think that perhaps his parents hadn’t paid nearly enough attention to him to notice he had gone and hurt himself and drifted to who knows where. It was from then on that he decided to roam far out of the depths to find a far better, shallower area for Will’s comfort to raise him. He denounced his usual antics of boat-tipping and volcanic vent scavenging to care the little scamp until he was just a smidge older to be left alone while he slept somewhere safe. It was a year or two later when he was moving spots again with Will safely tucked in his hair by his shoulder. Their previous living spot had been compromised when a number of divers had invaded the area for who knows why or what, and Jack had noticed a number of them capturing small fish of the variety and bringing them up to the surface on a boat. Not wishing to be seen, or to have Will wonder off and be scooped up and potentially lost forever, Jack decided to move elsewhere- to thicker greens and somewhere less people would be likely to swim or dive in search for things that dont belong to them. It was during this time, that late during one dark afternoon as he was scanning areas and trying to find a good place to settle for the night that he overheard something.. it caught his attention so much that he had to pause, and just float there as he listened for it again. It wasn’t the current moving passed his ears, or Will stirring in his sleep by his shoulder, or any late night fauna... it sounded like... crying. A small, delicate crying, somewhere in the lush that he couldn’t quite see yet. He tread carefully, swimming along slowly as not to miss anything as he did his best to locate who or what was crying... And when he did, it surprised him. In front of him lay in a tight curl on a mossy rock hidden by slow swaying sea grass was a small, quivering form that seemed to be crying in her sleep. She looked skinny in the rib area, and deathly pale.. He hesitated only slightly, but couldn’t stop himself from ever so gently picking up the small form, to which he truly realized she was trembling- and said trembling only grew worse when she stirred from her painful slumber and looked up at him with a fear he knew quite well... a fear he knew personally. 

The look of fear in her crying eyes made something in his chest grow cold- like a horrid feeling washing over him. He knew how it felt to be scared and alone, small and against everything.. not knowing what to do.  Jack gave her a small, friendly but sad smile to show he meant no harm, and even did his best to delicately rub her would-be tear stained cheeks (if they weren’t underwater already). 

Jack softly cooed and consoled the small baby best he could, her soft crying subsiding into hiccups here and there; she leaned into his touch and seemed to calm just a tad, enough for him to move her just slightly so he could better settle on the space he had found her. 

Looking down upon the new child in his hands, he calmed her just enough to ask her some things as well; just as Will popped out from Jack’s shoulder behind his hair to look at what was happening, his curiosity getting the better of him.  “..you’re alright, little one.. I promise,” he cooed softly, watching as she rigidly relaxed after a moment, sniffling and hugging his other hand. “I wont hurt you..” “..Can you speak?” He asked carefully, to which she nodded, rubbing her other eye, red and raw from all her crying that she’s been doing for who knows how long now. “Do you happen to have a name that I could call you..?” “..J..Jade.. Jadeth..” she stammered slightly, still calming down from her crying, a small hiccup ensuing directly after. “That’s a lovely name, Jadeth..”, he hummed slightly, “Would it be alright if I called you Jade?” to which she nodded and sniffled. “..May I ask why are you out here alone? Its dangerous and dark out here for you to be alone..” “..I,, I was. thrown.. I-I don t  kno w... where I am,, or what I am,, ?” This grabbed Jack’s attention further, especially when she looked up at him with big, scared pale blue eyes; “..W..what am I?” His lips pursed at this question, so he inspected her just a tad. Other than skinny from lack of food, deathly pale, and a tad scarred up from.. something.. she seemed okay. “A small child?” “N-no,, wh a t  am I?” she gestured to her tail- orca and or shark in features and orca-esque in color. “I,, I wasn t this,,  b-before..” she started crying alittle once again, to which Jack reacted by shushing her carefully and rubbing her cheek again lovingly.  “What do you mean by that, dear..?” “..I was.. h uman..? but then something,, h-happened,,, I don t know what,,” she sobbed alittle, hiding her chest as he realized a fresh, dark pink (as if trouble healing) small scar was across it lightly. As if something or someone had tried to slash and pin her. “She ch-changed me,, did something t-to me... an d he brought me here.. and threw m-me? O-off the dock,,?” She furrowed her brows and cuddled herself hard onto his hand, as if desperate to hide. “W-water.. hurt.. at first.. but everything is so.. d-dark.. s-scary..” she mumbled and hid her face in his other hand, which he didn’t mind at all. The way her head moved when she wasn’t hiding it gave him the impression she was very tired, possibly even disoriented; and the fact her ribs her showing and the slight grumble from her stomach made his deduce that she may be starving as well. “..Jade?” “y,,y -yeah?” she hiccuped slightly once again. “..Would you like to stay with me..? and Will?” he asked carefully, even though he probably would have claimed her regardless of her answer. It was now that she had noticed Will peeking at her with curiosity in his blue eyes from behind Jack’s shoulder, and as soon as she locked eyes with him, he crawled out from his hiding spot and settled in front of her in Jack’s hand. She was silent, confused, but watched him as Will spread a big smile and waved at her, “Hi!!” “,,H,,h-hi..” “I’m Will..” he said shyly, inching closer to her while she stayed statue still. He touched his index fingers together and smiled shyly, “U-um.. dont be scared!” He looked confident again, “Dad’ll take care of ya! And me too!” He tried to give his best protective posture, trying to make her smile and or feel better- “We’ll keep you safe,,” he pushed softly, getting alittle closer and holding out his hands to her. Jade watched him, before calming alittle more and hesitantly reaching out, holding onto one of the hands he held out to her with her own. “O,,okay..” she nodded slightly, coming out of her shell just a tad.  And that night was the night Jack gained a second child, and immediately got to work getting her fed and properly rested (which Will helped too, to the best of his smol babby abilities.) If he can try his best to be the parent he never had to one child, than why not two? Jade’s small, scared form reminded him of himself when he was small.. almost painfully so. He couldn’t just leave her, so why not love her like his own instead...

[atherissquamigera]

Skeletons in her Closet

What had she been doing….? All her thoughts were muddled and her emotions had taken control. All she felt was anger and hatred, those emotions coursing through her as she held her twin blades to the mans throat that was laying on the ground beneath her. Her knees resting on the floor on either side of his chest.

Her expression was a mix of those emotions as she stared at the man on the ground in front of her after having taken a step toward him and he had fallen. The former slave had been leading a better life but being approached by a former ‘client’ and him trying to intimidate her caused her to snap. 

“You don’ get t’ talk t’ me like I’m garbage or a whore y’ can use anymore!”

She had been half fallen since she was a teenager, having held so much hatred in her heart for her fate. Being faced by one of her abusers was causing her not to think straight. “Why did fate curse me t’ be a slave!? While you get t’ get off on peoples pain!? I was fourteen!!” The bitterness she still held in her heart was evident in her voice.

While usually the black rukh werent even visible, with the resurfacing hatred and bitterness they had made themselves known. It made the very air in the vicinity feel heavy and dark. It had been so hard to stop hating her fate, but her scars were painful daily reminders. Being called a whore and filthy slave cracked her usually calm and uncaring demeanor…especially coming from one of the first men who ever used her and pushed her owner at the time to keep her in the sex slave trade.

A commotion had started, but the broken woman didn’t even hear it. Guards called Muu and while normally she would immediately look up at the sound of the captains voice, right now it didn’t reach her any more than any of the other noise around them. While no longer yelling she had been slipping for a while, seeing her former abusers around the palace and being approached and spoken to like she was worth less than him was her breaking point.

Tears of anger and overwhelming hatred welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Why was fate so cruel? Why did this so called fate decide who suffered and who got to live a carefree and safe life? Why did she had to lose her family and endure the abuse she did? It wasn’t fair!!! She despised that thing called fate that had caused her so much pain. She wanted to make this man pay for all those years of pain.

The commotion was what caught his attention, and the sight before him was like something out of a nightmare.

He ran over, quick as he could, trying not to let his panic get the better of him.

The atmosphere…..the tension was almost a palpable thing.

“Aya!” he called out, stopping far enough away that she wouldn’t lash out “Aya, stop. Don’t do it.”

She couldnt hear him. Her weight was on the blades in her hands, emerald hues focused on the council member still. The fear on the mans face caused her to laugh,even with tears still running down her face. The laugh was a hollow, cold sound; very different from the warmth her laughter usually held. “Not so fun now is it when yer on the receiving end huh? Is it? Is it!!??”

The man was obviously scared for his life…and she found it funny. She held no sympathy for him, and enjoyed terrifying him. The dark energy of the black rukh was getting heavier in the air by the minute. She was slipping. Part of her wanted to make this man suffer. Cursing her fate and not caring what happened next…but the other part of her was desperately crying out for help.

The laughter sent chills down his spine, and immediately he went in to stop her.

He approached from the front, quick to grab her swords and take them from her and grabbing her arms.

“Aya, that’s enough,” his tone was firm “he’s not good enough to be killed by you. He doesn’t deserve it.”

The man below them was terrified, and Muu couldn’t give less of a shit.

“Come on, let’s go.” he gently pulled her off the man, pulling her up into his arms to carry her away.

Seeing Muu approach her was a shock to her system, enough so she didnt fight the weapons being taken from her. But his words and being pulled off the councilman caused that fight to come back.

“No he does deserve it!” Her hands were balled into fists, hitting against his arm. “He deserves t’ suffer! H-He gets t’ do whatever ‘ee wants–he needs t’ pay!” Being picked up, her arms got practically pinned to her chest despite her still trying to get Muu to put her down once they were alone she broke down into tears.

“No one shou’ be forced t’ do those things! No one! Ever! N’ he should pay fer that! Jus’ like all the others!” Shoulders slumped forward and her chest heaving as broken cries left her lips. The young woman still held an insane amount of bitterness in her heart, the distress almost ended up with her having a noble councilman’s blood on her hands.

Muu simply held her close, letting her vent and hit him as much as she wanted.

Now he knew….he knew how bad. Surly not the full extent, but he knew now.

“He will pay, Aya,” he told her “in time, when he can pay in full, he will pay dearly for what he’s done. Him, and everyone else like him.”

“Tha’ time hasnt happened in eight years…I doubt it ever will. They’re nobles…im jus’ some ex whore slave….no one cares wha’ they did….no one ever will care wha’ nobles do to slaves….no one ever will” Ayas whole body hurt. Her throat and lungs ached terribly. Her head throbbed and her eyes stung. She was too tired to keep crying, screaming and hitting his arm to try and get him to let go.

Hiccuping occasionally she leaned into his touch, her forehead pressed again his chest. Aya wrapped her arms around her stomach and sniffled, curling up as she shook and hiccuped. Her words now barely more than a hoarse whisper after all the crying and shouting. “They can jus’ make what they did go away…its not fair….i feel disgustin’ evey day..still feelin’ like their hands on me…and they can jus’ forget…its not fair..”

The woman was limp in his arms, rubbing her eyes with her free hand. She hated thinking about that the disgusting nobles of the countries where she was forced to work grew to be old and even more powerful….they had long, happy lives…they never paid for what they did, and at this point they never would. If people like them didnt exist..her family might have still been alive, but she could never truly know could she?

Muu wanted to apologize, to scream and and every person who’d hurt her and make them suffer.

Yet he knew none of that would help.

So instead he just took her to his room, a place of privacy and safety

“I’ve got you, Aya. You’re going to be okay.”

The solitude was appreciated…away from prying eyes and judgmental whispers. Aya wrapped her arms around Muu’s waist and hid her face against his chest. Letting the steady beat of his heart help to calm her down. “Jus’….dont leave me..please. Don’t leave me...”

The way she clung to him, it was like she was afraid he would vanish if she let go.

Muu simply held her as he sat on the bed, leaning back against the wall so he could hold her closer to his chest and just help her calm down, running a hand up and down her back to soothe her.

She’d try so hard to bury her past, to never think about it, but sometimes the skeletons in your closet come back to haunt you. 

Written out from an RP between myself and @leonisxbellator​

[annonket-blog]

[TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, Trauma]

There are some things in my life I have come to realise, and slowly I feel I’m starting to understand it...

I experienced horrible trauma in my childhood.

I witnessed a suicide when I was 8 years old.

My life had always been different, no parents, a difficult child, struggling to learn with serious attachment and learning issues.

I’ve always known what the word “suicide” meant ever since my dad committed suicide when I was 2 years old.

I was raised after that by my grandparents, and struggled a lot to do anything. I just wanted to be wrapped up in my grandmothers arms, protected, and safe.

Until one morning, I noticed her bed untouched, on the 28th August 2004. The day my life changed.

I saw things that no child should ever see, never mind adults. I delt with this alone..

A year later I began drawing, Sonic and Pokémon characters to be specific, I would begin creating my own characters, and get entierly lost inside my world...

I created my first character Rain, a purple dragon. This mentally strong and resiliant female, who would do whatever she needed for her Kingdom, no matter the costs, a sweet, caring, loving and protective person, except in the inside, she wanted nothing more to do with her Kingdom, but she knew she had to, because no one else will. She puts others first, and dosnt let her guard down, her walls are so high, nothing can penetrate them.

Beginning to sound like someone?

Another year later came Aechakodis(Aecha),

Created when I was 10-11 years old, 2-3 years after my grandmothers death.

Aecha was created as a place to put all of my negative emotions into, she was suicidal, self-harmed, mentally distressed and didnt want to even exist.

Throughout the years of 10-16 I felt destructive mentally, like I was about to implode.

How can people say they loved me when they killed themselves? Why did they leave me so alone? I want parents. I just want a family.

I had really no understanding to it all, I was so angry with them, I was completely heartbroken.

Something inside me told me “just keep going, its okay” and another side whispered “what if you end up like them?”

I clung for dear life to my defencive “its okay..” blanket.

Whenever I cried - “its okay...” and I would stop crying.

I thought it was perfect.

But I was wrong.

And it has taken me 11 years to realise it...

Throughout my teenage years, all I wanted was help, but I never felt I was bad enough off to ask for help. Teachers turned me away because I couldnt fully open up to them quick enough, I never got to speak to anyone about my feelings...

When I was 14, I’d meet my ex-boyfriend, we were in a Long Distance Relationship, Scotland to Texas, USA, we met up occassionally for the next 5 years, I had my life planned out, I was going to move there, I got accepted into college, and then everything fell apart, I suddenly had no purpose in my life, no goals.

In college, I still didnt really know what my purpose was, I luckily found a Photography course, and thought it might work, so I tried, it didnt really work.

Throughout that time, whenever I got sad, I just told myself “its okay” and stopped.

It sounds sweet and nice and a safe place,

But it was wrong

I suppressed my emotions for over a decade

And now here today, im writing this at 24 years old and everything is hitting me like a ton of bricks.

I always though that throughout my life, I was a happy person, constantly being dragged down by this drakness, when in reality, I have always been shrouded in darkness , trying desperately to grab onto some happiness.

My world gets so dark sometimes all I see is ways to end it, everywhere I look, all the simple and innocent household objects, turning into something sinistar before my very eyes.

And yet, even at the end of this vent... I still dont feel good enough... I am constantly battling my brain telling me I dont need help, and the other side staring death in the face.

But you know what?... It’s going to be okay...

[notyourmothersspellbook]

(1)hi, i hope you're well. For about 5 years I visited the grave of a stranger that I and a former s/o felt drawn to. (His grave is missing a death date) I think we each have spent time with him individually, more so than the time we spent with him together. I cut ties with the s/o last year, and I havent visited the grave in a bit longer. I think of the grave and spirit very often. I spent so much time crying and venting to this spirit and I guess my question is, should I go back?

“Should i try to contact the spirit from home? He feels like a friend, but I really don't know much about him other than his grave meant a lot to me during that time and I always felt so safe where he rested, whoever he was. I've tried looking for info about him online and i never find very much. I almost forgot, I've been drawn to and I've spent time in that cemetery my entire life, but I didnt find his grave until my 20s.”

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First I’ll say that it’s touching that you have such a close personal relationship with your local cemetery and with this grave in particular. Sometimes there are names or spirits that just seem to call to us at certain points in our lives or that seem to have an energy that we feel drawn to. However, in considering whether or not to contact this spirit and potentially invite it into your life/home I recommend that you make sure that you’re not projecting your own feelings/associations with the grave/cemetery onto the very real person who is buried there. What I mean is, this spot helped you earlier in life and was clearly a safe space for you. Those feelings can get tied up with the grave in question and you can start to imagine Tom Smith as this peaceful elderly grandfather-like gentleman or as this young and gentle caring man or whatever. But the fact of the matter is that at the end of the day he was a person like anyone else with good and bad aspects and family and friends who all have good and bad associations with him. If you feel drawn to the place and you want to connect with that spirit then of course go there and honor him and clean the site and leave some offerings and do all that you would do for any spirit, but, of course, be careful not to mistake your feelings towards the place and your own memories there with the complicated lived reality of this person that you want to contact and potentially connect with.