#i was just looking for a good safe place to cry and vent i didnt know we were getting profound at 10pm

[youthsinister]

I read some poetry last night and cried so hard I had to call my mom saying I hated the human condition and my mom said "It's ok to be sad but you have to remember to make yourself happy. Happiness doesn't just come, it's something you have to work on. You can complain that you want happiness but if you can't make yourself happy you don't know what happiness is and can't expect to find it in others. Once you know internal happiness, it'll come to you."

[whumpndump]

Whumpee kept in a small, dark, empty room, in complete isolation. The door is soundproof, and nobody ever visits them. There is one thing in the room, however. When they were first brought there, the chloroform soaked rag that was used to sedate them has been uncaringly dumped in the cell as well, and as nobody ever enters, it was never noticed.

At first whumpee thinks nothing of the rag, thinking only that it still smells vaguely funny.

A few days in, whumpee finds themself occasionally picking up the rag, looking at it, counting the fibers, anything for entertainment.

A week in its become somewhat of a comfort item, something they hold close on cold nights when everything is just too much.

A month in, whumpee finds themself talking to it. Venting their frustrations, bemoaning their despairs, reminiscing the good times, all to this scrap of cloth (that is technically the reason they are in there in the first place). They see it as somewhat of a friend now, and are too far gone to care how strange that is.

Several months in the rag is a comrade in arms, a fellow prisoner in this cell, the only person whumpee has left in this world to rely on. They swear that sometimes, when they talk to it, it talks back. Its the closest thing theyve had to genuine conversation in so long, this piece of cloth is their best friend.

Now I have two ideas for an ending, both taking place about a year or two into isolation, so here they both are:

1. People come to rescue whumpee, maybe their friends from before they were captured. Its a high speed situation, the team rushing in, trying to grab everyone in the facility who was being held prisoner, then rushing out again. Whumpee is screaming and crying in caretaker's arms as they run away.

"NO! PLEASE! YOU FORGOT THEM!! NO, PLEASE, GO BACK!!!"

Whumpee pleads this all the way back to safety, continuing to cry and beg for hours, and the rescue team are confused. They had taken down whumper, and confirmed that everyone held captive was freed. They chalked it up to whumpee being in shock, and tried to calm them down, explaining over and over that everyone was safe now.

Whumpee just kept on crying, knowing that their best and only friend was going to rot in that cell, and nobody but them cared.

2. Whumpee had managed to fall asleep finally. The cold concrete floors made it hard, and they only seemed to sleep 3-ish times a week, but when they slept, they slept deep.

So deep, in fact, that they didnt hear the door opening, or footsteps quickly tiptoeing in, only to leave just as fast.

When they next awoke, they sat up and looked around their cell for their companion.

Who was gone.

Whumpee wanted to scream. Wanted to beat the walls with their fists until blood dripped down. They thought they were already at their lowest point, but the rug had just been pulled out from under them, revealing they had so much further to fall.

Shellshocked and apathetic, whumpee curled up in the corner of the room with tears silently streaming down their face.

"Oh well," they said out-loud to nobody, voice tinged with delirium, eyes hollow and smile strained, "It...it was just a rag..."

[glitr-z]

Ok so,,, I basically just lurk and admire things in my own little corner. I dont use socials. I haven't been on tumblr for a loooong long while. Twitter is,,, scary. But I have to have a place to grieve about this where I can find others who understand. So I'm here. To vent. To find comfort. Let go.

I never formally got to interact with the fandom since I never built up the courage to try (I'm very socially anxious on the internet 💀), but Ranfren has seriously been something special to me over the past year I knew of it and has brought me immense joy in my own small corner.

And I'm Beyond Devastated that this has all come out about Captian.

It was funny!! It was spooky!! It was super funky!! It had anime !!! Its was just the right meld of these elements and god it was a vibe. The level of inspiration I was drawing from their work specifically was on a level I haven't felt before. I dont think another artist has ever griped me with their style like that, given me that "a-ha!" Moment about what direction I wanna take my own style in. It actually was so inspirational it was part of what helped me get back on track last year trying to pursue art school again. Captain's weird and wonderful characters and surreal artworks went on my vision board cause I felt that strongly about wanting to find a style like that. I wanted to try and get the courage to thank Captian one day for seriously giving me hope again, maybe after I got in and refined my own style so I had something to show for it. maybe I would have even cried happy tears and did the whole dreams do come true bit standing in my dormroom.

And then this.

I'm now not crying happy tears. Just normal ones.

I'm still going to go forward to art school believe me - this is not the only thing that has been pushing me onwards as my household isnt a safe place. Fending of depression and trying to keep all the emotions at bay long enough so I can focus on moving forward, moving twoards living, has taken longer than I'd want to admit. But I seriously didnt need another bullet in my heart through this already trying time.

As much as I dearly love the webcomic, I absolutely cannot condone the harmful actions that have been carried out. and I can't continue enjoying the comic in good conscience when I know these things. And the way it's being handled leads me to believe there likely wont be a satisfactory conclusion to all of this, if there was any hope of one to begin with. Yes, people can change, people make mistakes, but if they can't see the clear pain its causing and realize its vitally important to at least give a small unofficial apology before they make a bigger one, and have the audacity let their friends deflect the blame for them ? When the bloods on their hands? Reguardless of what the truth is I'm doubting they sincirely care based on how it's being handled. And that makes me so sad. So so so so so very sad...

I hope they eventually do the right thing and make an actual apology soon? But I know I will not be able to look at Ranfren with the same soarkle in my eyes. And with all things considered that just fucking sucks.

[slygirl666]

Where We Part (F.W)

pt 1 of we aren't just friends

authors note: this is a vent fic 100% it will be randomly updated and everything can be red as a one shot unless otherwise stated. based off of comfort songs or songs I’m just feeling. edited as of 9/9/21

summery: when your Boyfriend Cedric leaved you for someone new, the most unlikely person comforts you. 

parings: Slytherin!reader X Fred Weasley; (past) Slytherin!reader X Credric Diggory

words: 1,277

Yeah when I was young you could tie my tongue and weaken my knees

But the lines been drawn and I'm moving on, and another (boy) will come along

-taking back my heart by Rusty Clanton

you walked through the platform looking for your boyfriend Cedric Diggory, you smiled at the thought of seeing him after only being able to owl all summer while you were with  your parents on vacation.

You couldn’t find him before eleven, so you went on looking for him on the train. Through the front seats to the back compartments. You found him talking to Cho Chang in the middle of the train. He was leaning into her and she giggled shyly.

Cedric was a very touchy person, a flirt even, if it were anyone else you would have thought nothing of it.

But it was Cho freaking Chang, the “prettiest” girl in your  year. You and Cho had history, you were best friends until fourth year. You had been head over heels for Adrian Pucey, even going as far as asking him for help in the common rooms. Cho knew you told eachother everything, yet still a week later you found them snogging at your favorite reading spot on the grounds. You had never felt so betrayed, you wouldn't have been so mad if Cho had told you but she lied and let you run your mouth like a fool.

Everything turned up when you and Cedric were assigned a DADA presentation together. The two of you got along well, he was sweet and understanding. When you admitted your feelings had a smile that you thought about for weeks.

“Cedric, darling?” Cedric turned, sweeping you into his arms and placed a kiss on your forehead. You decided to put on a show giggling. “I missed you, two months was too long.”

“It absolutely was, sweetheart.” he pulled you towards a cart giving Cho a sweet smile you mirrored as she rolled her eyes at you.

* * *

With Cedric being one of the champions the two of you started to fall apart. You felt it but couldn’t help but hold on. Cedric was thoughtful, sweet and everything good in the world. You didn’t get enough of that at home. He was safe and made you feel warm and loved.

With all the buzz of the Yule ball you hoped he’d be willing to hold on too.

But in the middle of a lovely November evening, sitting in the courtyard he did it. He let you go. “Y/N, darling, we just aren't working. You’ll always be special to me it’s just we-”

“We’ve grown apart,” you laughed humorlessly. “You’ve been distancing yourself ced, its like you wanted us to brea-”

You stopped, he wanted you two to break up and for it to be on you too. All the cancelled study dates, too busy for a chat, the guys want to hang out today. You felt like a dumbass.

“Get away from me,” your voice cracked but you refused to let him see tears. “You did this because of her, didnt you?”

His silence told you everything as you walked off with all the pride you could muster.

You didn't feel like going to your dormitory, you didn’t have any friends in Slytherin so why would you. It was almost curfew but you couldn’t care less. The astronomy tower is a good place to get lost.

You walked up stairs when you opened the door the tears were nonstop. You couldn’t tell if it had been two minutes or hours when you heard a russell going on under where you were sitting.  You quickly whipped your face on your sleeves as the footsteps got closer.

“L/N?” you turned to see one of the Weasley twins. “Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, filch almost caught me putting-”

Your sniffle interrupted him. His smirk fell instantly as he went to sit next to you. “Shit, what happened L/N?”

“Cedric broke up with me for someone else,” you swallowed the lump in your throat. Your head pounded and your throat felt scratchy.

“Git.” he rolled his eyes, moving a long strand of hair out of his face. “You shouldn’t cry over him.”

“It’s hard not to,” you sighed. The tears stopped but you could see the mess of mascara and eyeliner on your nose and cheeks. “Goddric, I'm a bloody mess over that prick.”

He reached into his bag pulling out a pack of tissues handing it to you, “you’re still a sight.”

You laughed, “I bet you’d say that to a crying troll.”

“Only if it was pretty already,” he laughed. This one was Fred Weasley, a school known flirt.

You sat in comfortable silence with the red head until you decided to head to your room.

“Thank you Fred, it means a lot that you’d sit with a crying slytherin.”

“L/N, it wasn’t a problem, and that pretty boy isn’t with your pretty tears.” he waved goodbye.

* * *

The Yule ball was an event that dragged. You showed up alone, Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang would not be getting the best of you.

Your extravagant black gown showed off your cleavage and the slit in it was deemed scandalous, snape almost didn’t let you enter.

You sipped at whatever drink was placed in front of you. Glaring at the champions table as said couple looked sweetly at each other. When the dancing began you knew you had to try and enjoy it. You danced with a few of the Durmstrang boys who came alone. No one stood out to you.

An hour into it you walked out to get fresh air.

“You are thinking way too hard for someone looking so pretty at a party.” you whipped your head to the side, Fred weasley stood there looking handsome as ever in his dress robes. He eyed you up and down with a smile. “Lucky date you got.”

“I’m my own date,” you smiled at him twirling, your face dropped almost instantly. “Godric, it's hard to put on a smile and dance with some guys.”

“Saw you in there,” he nodded towards the door reaching into his robe for his flask. “Thought the rugged and built type might be something to get your mind off of Diggory.”

“Pretty boy is my type though,” you took the flask as he offered it to you. Taking a long drink you pulled a face as it burned through your throat.  “What is that?”

“Muggle stuff, it's a bit stronger.” Fred laughed at your face. “Care for a dance?”

“Won't your date mind?” you smiled up at him, you really weren’t going to refuse the offer but you wouldn't let him know that.

“She's been dancing with all our friends. I don't think she’ll care.” he offered an elbow to you that you took.

“Just one dance, Weasley.”

“All I want.” The warm rush from resenting the hall took over as the two of you walked in. The song playing was a slow muggle one you somewhat recognized.

You started swaying in his arms a respectable distance away. Fred rolled his chocolate eyes at you. “Not scared of a gryffindor are you?”

You shook your head in response but swallowed thickly.

Fred pulled you by the waist so that there was no space between the two of you. Even in  ungodly tall shoes he towered over you. He leaned his head down talking to you, forehead against your noses so close to touching you could almost feel the light pressure of it.

He led you in a soft sway that brought the two of  you in a small circle.

He cracked jokes in a whisper making you giggle at the feeling of his breath against your face. The song was longer than you thought it had already been a good three minutes and you were still so intensely wrapped up in this boy you've only talked to five times in the last six years.

The song struck a final chord. With a sad smile you took your hand out of his. “Thanks Fred, I needed a dance with a partner that I kind of know.”

You leaned up to kiss his cheek. He grabbed your hand and pulled you to  his lips brushing your ear to whisper.“Diggory didn’t take his eyes off of us.”

[simpfortheseven]

FBDBDHBD YOUR STUFF IS SO GOOD I LOVE THE CRYING AT YELLING HC

If you do take requests could you do an MC that is very passive / bad at communicating emotions ?? (Obey me)

I have the same issue with yelling cause of

Trauma and a toxic ex💕

, and on the flip side I struggle with telling ppl how I feel, which means even though I’m not comfortable with something , I’m too much of a people pleaser/ too nervous to say anything -

Has led to not so fun issues but it’s under decent control now that I’m older and healthy - feel like that could be an issue since some of them are a little ... invasive - like safe words ???? Lmao I wish , I’d be too scared to say anything

Hun- THANK YOU THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING IVE EVER WROTE! I also dont think ive ever gotten such a relateable ask. I TOO STRUGGLE WITH THIS. And yes I'll take asks all day, every day, even if I dont get it done it still inspires me to look into new things and topics i might not have seen.

also. I just lost a 2k word fic I wrote. You all cannot COMPREHEND HOW MAD I AM.

anyways! Sorry i didn't see this until midnight my time probably weeks after @miraculous-ladyfrog sent it ;-;

---

Lucifer

x This man knows a thing or two (cause hes seen a thing or two *plays insurance commercial we are farmers babadumbumbumBUMB U M*)

x will become a mini therapist for you, a safe place

x Great secret keeper, and great at helping you express emotions in a healthy way (like writing or something)

x in short: very helpful at easing you into communicating emotions

Mammon

+Pretends he doesnt notice but he does

+He does understand cause he doesnt let his true emotions out, like when his brothers tease him

+Is a good shoulder to cry on if you find things have gotten overwhelming

+Mammon 100% would ask someone else how he can help you start feeling better

+In short; hes a tsundere what do you expect

Levi

. He doesnt quite understand it

. Even if he holes himself up a lot he still is pretty good about his emotions (until ya know, we totally best him in the TSL tournament 😎)

. Will let you play his video games if it helps you start to express emotions better

. like anger and things

. Also will let you use some of his plushies to hug if you are overwhelmed

. in short: pretty chill but also doesnt get it

Satan

*He 100% understands not communicating how you feel cause he does it all day long

*But! he is the best person to ask about coping mechanisms and help

*He will make you tea and tell you that its a free space and you can unload on him

*if youre overwhealmed he will read to you to help you feel better

*in short: Same as luci, but even better

Asmo

>Does not compute

>He always says what's on his mind (No matter how dirty) so he doesnt get it

>but if you're upset, he'll paint your nails or so face scrubs with you to help you relax

>Will need satans help to help you

>In short: Doesnt get it but tries his best to help you

Beel

°BABY BOI

°WILL DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO HELP YOU

°asks Satan and lucifer for help

°And asks you what he can do to maybe help you

°Similar to some of his other brothers, he will always listen to you and is a safe space

°did i mention comfort food

°in short: sweet cinnamon roll man tries very hard to comfort you and male you feel like you can say things without worrying about making people upset

Belphie

~half gets it

~please be nice to him if he falls asleep while talking to you and lettijg you vent if you finally express how youve been feeling

~he didnt mean to promise

~Cuddles you to make you feel better and more trusting of him

~Will NOT ask lucifer for help so has Beel do it for him

~In short: he cared but doesnt know how to help

---

I hope these are good but I'm very tired-

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so it’s self-hate hour <3. today was good until it wasn’t. and like??? i fail one thing that doesnt matter (except it does, but it doesnt really) it just set me off. and i havent really told any family about it. i just hate all of it so much. i cant do grades like a normal fucking person. or take tests without anxiety. i just feel like a failure. this happens every fucking time. EVERY TIME i fail one thing, it’s suddenly “im done” and a switch snaps in my brain. and i hate myself. and im a failure. and i cry and scream. and want to jump out of a fucking window, or walk in front of a fucking car. because of a grade. and i dont know if it’s because i expect myself to always be the best, and gifted kid bullshit. or because im actually losing it and nothing’s going to get better.

every time i form a fucking hyperfixation, i ruin it myself, or it’s ruined for me. i cant watch my favorite shoes because of negative memories tied to it. nobody around me likes x thing, so i would have to explain and i always feel like im being annoying about it. 

i just hate it so fucking much. i feel welcome in a place, then i don’t, because things happen and people change, and people lie. and i feel like no matter where i am, i always have to watch my fucking back. and i just want to feel safe for once somewhere. here i do, but i feel like ive got to prepare myself for something else bad to happen, and it just sucks. my friends always seem to leave. or i send them away. and i get nightmares and think about it day after day. its almost been a fucking year since i got rid of someone. and i still fucking think about her. and i hate myself for it. she was toxic, i was toxic. i ignored all the warning signs (like i always do) and got hurt. and i miss her. but i dont. it was fun while it lasted, but i couldnt do it anymore. and i fucking initiated it. so i feel like it was my fault. when it wasn’t, but im sure she isn’t having fucking nightmares about me, about everything being normal. she fucking forgot about me. and so has everyone else. and so WILL everyone else. 

why do i have to be like this.....i cant like things like a normal person. i dont talk about things like a normal person. and i know being conventionally attractive, or whats considered conventionally attractive to society is bad for a lot of people. but i just feel so fucking ugly. i dont see me when i look at me. i cant talk because im like “your brain doesnt match your body, you fuck” and it sucks. derealization sucks. and im just now figuring out that it’s a big issue for me. my hair becomes a sensory issue sometimes, when i wear it a certain way and im just trying to look how i want to and i cant. because i dont know who i am. i dont use the words “pretty” or “cute” when describing myself. might be a gender thing. but it’s because i, myself am confusing. god i look at my classmates and go “thats a normal looking person, thats a cute person” and i cant even look myself in the mirror and see who i am, or who i appear as to other people.  gender is confusing, my own gender is confusing. i dont know what it is. and im just...confused. i need an answer, but for once, there isn’t one for me.

the one week im supposed to be relaxing and here i am, stressing over dumb shit. and hating myself. and just digging myself further and further into the disgusting pit that is my brain and self-hatred. but i cant seem to stop. so im gonna be a bit sad for a while. and im not happy that today wasnt that good. i was sad today. and i didnt fucking eat lunch because i was busy indulging in a special interest. barely had a dinner.

when am i going to stop feeling so guilty about everything i do....i want to be happy. i want to be with my friends. and give them hugs. and go shopping at the mall, and be teenagers and pick out clothes and be stupid. i want to cry in someone’s shoulder after not seeing them for so long. and watch a movie. go to the skating rink and scrape my knees, like i used to. i want to go on road trips and conventions and see cosplayers and other people and have fun and not be able to sleep because im too excited.i want to read with a friend in a field, after having a picnic and just sit there for a while. come back late. i just want things to be okay again. because i know normal doesnt really exist anymore, nor will it ever do so as it did. i miss that. i miss fun. i miss feeling happy. i just want to be okay again.

[hardyimagines]

Late Night

Drabble!

( why do I keep doing drabbles!!!! )

——————————————————————

The worn, old record player in the corner, perched up on the recently purchase vanity, was beyond slightly noisy. The scratching of the needle was agitating as you laid on your side on the gray sofa. You didnt have the willpower to climb off of the furniture and submerge yourself in silence. The annoying noise was better than being alone with your thoughts. And you couldn’t imagine any more stress than what you were drowning in currently. Even with the scratching, you’d still been replaying the events from earlier that day over and over and over again in your head until your tear ducts had run dry. Your sticky, damp eyes were growing increasingly droopier and you were positive that it was due to the late hour.. not because of the incessant crying. The clock in the corner ticked audibly, dragging your attention to it every few moments. It was three in the morning and you were beginning to think that Reggie wasn’t coming home. He should’ve been home hours ago.

The porchlight flickered visibly through the white sheer curtain that hung over the window. It’s dim glow held a faint buzzing and crackling sound as it struggled to stay lit. You used the back of your hand to wipe at your angry eyes before lowering your glistening hand to the sofa. Your leftover tears stained your skin, drying in place on your wrist. You rolled over on to your back then, to try and find a position that was comfier. You stared up at the ceiling, counting the cracks that needed to be fixed. If Reggie didn’t come home, you wouldn’t be able to sleep.

There was a dull thud from the room above, the sound of something heavy falling. The hollow sound was followed by a low grunt and then the sound of Ron Kray’s voice, drifting through the vents in the ceiling as he swore under his breath because he hadn’t meant to drop whatever he had. You sighed in heightened annoyance. Not only would Reggie’s lack of presence make it hard to sleep, but Ron’s loudness would simply add to the difficulty of giving yourself over to the impossible, but much needed, slumber.

You were momentarily distracted, ears alert, hunting for another sound — anything. It was quiet, apart from the faint buzzing from the porch light. Your droopy eyes fluttered, briefly gliding to the record which had somehow quietened itself. You didn’t wonder what had done it, if the needle had broken, you didn’t care. You merely looked away and focused on the dim glow of the porch light. Your eyes drooped further, threatening to fall shut and stay that way, but that didn’t mean you’d sleep. It just meant you were going to cast yourself in the darkness behind your eyelids. Your lashes fluttered harder, lids closing completely. You found it hard to open them and figured that if you laid still for long enough, your body would have no choice but to give itself over to the featherlight state of oblivion. Seconds ticked by into minutes and you could feel your body, drifting and drifting further and further away. Tossing and turning was sure to ensue, but even just a few minutes of sleep was better than none at all.

“You don’t have time for me anymore. I don’t want to fight with you, Reggie, but I can’t do this.” Your shaky finger clasped around the bright, expensive wedding ring that hadn’t even cradled your ring finger for a year. “You’re never home. You get here when dinner is cold and no longer edible. I sleep alone on most nights. I spend my days wondering what you’re doing, if you’re okay, if you’re coming home..” You roughly set the ring down on the table. It clinked noisily against the wood, drawing a narrowed glare from Reggie. “It wasn’t like this before, you use to want to spend every minute with me, take me out on dates, and now, now I’m lucky if I even get to say good morning or goodnight.”

“You think I wanna be out, do you? Away from my fucking wife?” He stepped forward. You felt small beneath his tall form, bulging and broad. He seemed bigger when he was mad. “Right, that’s what you fucking think. Yeah, I’d much rather be out, handling the club and dealing with the fucking Richardson’s, wouldn’t I?”

You were quiet.

“Come on, now. yeah, you had a lot to say a few seconds ago, didn’t you, babe, come on then.” He slunk forward further. His heightened stress made his tongue feel numb and his lungs ache for the addictive nicotine. He sunk his hand into his pocket and gripped the packet of cigarettes. Flicking the package open with his thumb, he grasped one of the sticks and drew it out with a shake of his head. He placed the thing between his lips before turning away from you so he could hunt for a lighter.

“I don’t think you want to be out there, Reggie, but you obviously don’t want to be here with me. If you did, you’d be here, wouldn’t you? I don’t even feel like I’m married. Feels like I’m just waiting..” Your heart ached with the question that always seemed to find its way to the front of your mind. It scared you to ask him because the answer really was unknown, but you had to know. You wanted to hear him say it. He hadn’t reminded you that he did since the beginning of the relationship. “Do you even love me anymore?”

The click of the door closing woke you instantly. You sat up on the sofa, defensive and alert. Squinting your blurry, sleepy eyes toward the door, a very soft, inaudible sigh of relief left your lips at the sight of your husband. He was dragging off his coat, shaking it to ensure nothing was left in the deep pockets. You lifted your hand to your face and rubbed down your aching head. Your dream had been a recollection of the fight from earlier. Word for word, action for action.

“S’just me. What the fuck are you still doing up?” Reggie asked gruffly. He wreaked of cigarettes and booze. You were sure he hadn’t been drinking, but owning a business that sold large amounts of alcohol meant that he smelled as if he’d drank the club to emptiness. His blue eyes were penetrative and studious, watching you as you tiredly stood. Gathering yourself, you smoothed down the wrinkled blouse you wore before looking toward the long corridor that led to the bedroom.

“Waiting on you, as per usual.” You uttered. There was no time for fighting tonight. It was late, you were both exhausted. You just needed to know that he’d made it home safe.. now you could sleep and you’d sleep good. The bottoms of your feet noisily pat the hardwood floor as you made your way toward the corridor. Reggie caught your small hand in his slyly, halting you before you could make it into the hall. His hair was still slicked back neatly as he peered down at you, wrinkled lines forming across the length of his forehead as he pursed his plump, pink lips. His white shirt was rolled at the cuff, up to the bottom of his wrists and you felt the warmth that radiated off of him as he cradled your palm in his own.

“Hang on a second, yeah. You dont mind if I..” His features looked so innocent — deceivingly innocent. Your heart ached at how sweet and vulnerable he appeared. “come to bed with you? Don’t really want to sleep on the fucking couch.” His free hand moved to the base of his neck. He scratched at the hair that resided there, smiling sweetly toward you.

You frowned in the slightest before pulling your hand away from his own. “It’s not only my bed, Reggie.” The lack of warmth embracing your hand made you want to cry, but you put on a brave, unbothered face and made your way back down the hall so that you could climb into bed. The clothing you wore was scratchy and uncomfortable, too hot and tight to sleep in, but you didn’t want to risk the fact that he could very easily come into the room and catch you undressing. That would lead to the easiest, best form of making up and you didn’t want that — there needed to be a conversation in the process of this making up. You dropped down heavily against the mattress, body heavy and eyes the same; but you didn’t feel unconsciousness tugging at you just yet.

Reggie followed you into the bedroom, a certain rock in his walk. His black trousers hugged his hips and held his tucked in shirt securely. He fixed his crooked tie and ensured each button was fastened correctly. He knew it didn’t matter how handsome he looked, the pair of you had fought and talking was the only way to fix it — not attraction or anything physical. He let out a drawn out sigh, an exhausted noise that made you want to inquire if he was okay.

You remained silent.

Reggie dropped down on the edge of the bed. His widespread knees lined up perfectly with his boots, thudding quietly against the floor each time he shifted. He pulled at the tie around his neck, undoing it from its looped do. He tossed it on to the chair in the corner before beginning to undo the shirt buttons. You laid on your side now, watching him undress. You were still mad, but you figured you could at least enjoy the view.

Maybe not.. you decided as your heart began to pathetically flutter. Weakening yourself wasn’t going to solve anything. Your eyes closed before he removed his shirt fully. His tanned, hot skin was on show for a few seconds as he moved around the room shirtless, looking for something else to put on that would be comfortable enough to sleep in. You were drifting once more, in between slumber and dreaming. Your body couldn’t quite figure out which one to do. So it resumed its recollection of memories from what had happened earlier that day.

“Don’t be daft, right, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, haven’t you?” Reggie shook his head in disbelief. His expression warned you to stop, not to push any further and just let the whole situation go. But you wanted to have this talk. You didn’t want to feel the way that you felt anymore. He was always gone and you deserved better.

“Reggie, if you loved me. You’d make time for me. The only time I ever get to spend with you is a few minutes in the morning if I wake up before the sun does so I can bid you farewell when you go off to work..” You hissed before cupping your cheeks in annoyance. The longer that the two of you argued, the angrier you were going to get.

“Put that ring back on your finger.” He was too calm. He moved away from you and the table and instead toward the armchair in the center of the room. His heavy body dropped down on the navy-colored fabric, arms finding their place on the armrests. He tipped his head back and allowed it to rest against the back of the seat, eyes closing after a few seconds. The room was quiet, so he didn’t have to strain his ears too hard as he waited for you to drag the ring off the table and slip it back on to your finger.

“I’m not putting that back on until we’ve had a talk. This isn’t how I went to spend the rest of my life. I’m unhappy.” The words were sharp, each one a painful jab to his heart. He shuffled in the seat, expression calm. It was as if your words didn’t hurt him.. and truthfully, they probably didn’t hurt too much. He knew you loved him. Why else would you wait to confront him? A woman that had fallen out of love would’ve just left.

“Not gonna be much talking right now, is there. I’ve got to go to work.” He told you quietly. His eyes fluttered open then. “But once I’m home, then we can talk. If you put that ring back on.”

There was a warning feeling in your stomach. It twisted and churned painfully, begging you to throw the ring at the bloke on the chair and leave. He wouldn’t be home until the sun was about to start rising. Despite the feeling in your gut, you snatched the jewelry off the table and shoved it onto your hand.

“You’re off to a great fucking start.” You barked sarcastically before leaving the room. The sound of your heels, loudly clapping against the hardwood floor, could be heard even once you’d vanished into the bedroom.

Reggie stood from the armchair. Hooking his fingers in his belt loops, he tugged his trousers up into their appropriate position before sauntering after you. His movements were sly, unrushed, and calm as he made his way down the corridor. The door at the end of the hall was the room that the pair of you shared so without so much as a knock, he turned the handle and nudged the wood open. You were sat on the bed, heels dangling from the tops of your feet as you stared down at your lap. He was still silent. His boots thudded loudly against the ground when he started to move in your direction and with every inch of space that was lost in the gap, you felt yourself tensing further and further.

It was only when Reggie came to a stop, directly in front of your knees, that you finally looked up at him. His blue eyes moved between your glistening, desperate ones. He hunched over, a gesture of his that you were no longer familiar with. His hands found the outer sides of your thighs, grazing them delicately as he closed the space between the two of you and took a few kisses. It would’ve been right for you to pull away, but you’d craved the lips he had on your own, so pushing him back wasn’t an option. It actually felt good. It was one of the things you missed the most from your husband so as he stood, kissing your seated form, you felt a little barrier around your heart break away. Your arms circled his neck, holding him close to you as you both kissed one another with such passion. Your mouth opened second, only daring to part when you felt his tongue eager to re-visit your own. You broke the liplock when you felt him lift his knee on to the bed.

He could make time for sex, but not for you. Your brain hissed. You ignored it. Savoring the kiss, you brushed your hands from his neck down to his shoulders when he pulled away. He peered down at you under hooded eyes. His hand moved through your soft strands of hair, caressing them slowly before he leaned in for one more soft kiss.

“I’ll be back as quick as I can.” He promised. He adjusted the tie around his neck and the wrinkled shirt before straightening. “I love you.” His confession was breathy, almost inaudible, and your stomach ached from how good it felt to hear those stupid, silly, unnecessary but desired words.

“Babe.” The snapping of his fingers drew you out of your slumber once more. Sleepily looking toward him, you fisted your hand in the cold sheet and shoved yourself up to a semi-sitting position. Lifting your fingers to your eyes, you rubbed the itchy, droopy lids, trying to wake yourself up. “You wanted to talk. How can we do that if you’re sleeping?” His words made you want to clench your jaw so hard it was close to breaking.

“I did.. I do, Reggie, but I wanted to at a reasonable hour. I had dinner made at 8, I waited until 11, which was pushing it.” You sat up completely on the creaking mattress. “It’s not fair to me, what you’re doing, I’m your wife.” The talk was beginning. “You’re suppose to love me. And it’s one thing for you to say the words, but god.. the least you could do is show me some affection. Today is the first day you’ve kissed me in almost two weeks, Reggie. I’m sick of sleeping alone. I’m tired of waking up to an empty bed. I spend my entire day wondering if I should just go to the club to see you. Don’t you get it?” Your eyes were watering. “I miss you. I’m lonely. Before you married me, it was like you’d do anything for me. You wanted to spend every second with me and now that I’m bound to you.. you’ve grown careless.” Reggie was still stood, no longer looking for something to wear to bed. His arms were folded over his chest, eyes squinted as he studied you. He was listening very closely to everything you said. “I like going on dates. I like being kissed in the morning and at night. I miss having sex.” Your head shook, voice growing breathier at your last confession. “Why the hell did you ask to marry me if you were just going to ignore me afterward? I spend more time with Ron than I do with you.” Collapsing on to your back, your hands moved to cradle your hot face. Every inch of your body was on fire, boiling from your rant.

Your husband sucked in a deep breath of air before slowly moving toward the bed. He placed his knee on the mattress before climbing on top of the springy surface. Folding his legs, he studied your expression, ignoring the dull ache in his heart. He knew he’d caused this. Being busy at work was one thing, but treating work like it was top priority was another. His top priority was right here, crying from exhaustion and emotions. “I’m sorry.” He spoke almost inaudibly. “Right, I didn’t realize how much time it’s been that I haven’t kissed you. And I didn’t realize how much time I’ve been spending away from home.. it all seems so routine for me now, to just work every second of the day.” He sighed before directing his gaze to his lap. “I miss you too, you know. I think about you all day, I don’t realize the hour when I’m heading home to you.” You sniffled quietly before removing your hands from your face. You felt stuffy and ashamed for being so desperate for his affection, but you really couldn’t help it. You missed him so much.

“I want you to want to be home with me. I know work is important business and I know you have to spend a lot of time at the clubs and with the lads, but I wish you’d spend a little more time with your wife as well.” Your words were soft and they pulled a little smile from Reggie. He leaned in in the slightest before pressing his lips against your temple.

“I do want to be home with you, right, I always think I’m home in time for dinner and then I get here and you’re fast asleep and I feel so guilty. I do, babe, you’re everything to me. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” His hand brushed along the bedding toward your own. It was delicate and unrushed, a soft touch just so he could show you that he was right here. He wasn’t going anywhere and he wasn’t letting you go either.

Believing him and forgiving him was so easy because he was so convincing, but actions spoke louder than words, so you knew you’d have to wait until tomorrow to see if he kept his promise. Nodding along to him as he spoke, your small hand wrapped around his larger one more securely, cradling it before you slid toward him so you could wrap your free arm around his strong, broad shoulders. It had been forever since he’d held you while the pair of you rested, so tonight you weren’t giving him a choice. You lugged his big body down, completely on top of your own, and slumped in place. Embracing him snugly, your warm lips found the side of his neck so when you spoke, your words traveled up to his ear.

“I don’t ever want to lose you, Reggie. You mean everything to me.” His skin tickled from your hot breaths, goosebumps rising on his flesh as you spoke. He locked his arms around you securely before turning his head and stealing a very soft kiss.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He murmured as he set his forehead against your own. “I married you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, yeah, so I’ll make some changes with my work schedule. I don’t want you being sad..” He’d had experience with a sad wife in the past and it had torn him to pieces. He couldn’t imagine going through something so painful again. His arms tightened around you and his face pushed into your shoulder so he could bury his features in the warmth of your skin. “This is where I want to be. I want you to always tell me when you feel like I’m not around a lot..” He loved you more than he’d ever loved anyone. He’d never truly understood what love was until you’d come along. He supposed he was still learning the right’s from wrong’s. Family came first. Work came second. He seemed to get those two mixed up when stress was weighing him down, but he was going to work on it. He couldnt bear the thought of losing you — let alone actually doing so.

His fingers laced through yours tighter, remaining like that as he slumped completely on top of you. He was a little bit heavier than you were able to handle, but you knew that he needed comforting too and once he’d had what he needed, he’d roll to the side and guide you with him. Your eyes droopily closed and your free arm slid from his shoulders, south to circle his waist. You clutched onto him gratefully, body feeling deliciously warm and delightfully light. Tonight you weren’t sleeping alone.

Time would tell if he would keep his word, but for now you just wanted to bask in his warmth and soak up every ounce of affection he gave. Who knew when he’d do this again? Tomorrow? Next month? Your eyes closed even tighter and your body wiggled to get closer to his own. You wanted to savor this. Sweet Reggie could be gone tomorrow and Mr. Kray could very well decide he’d much rather stay at the club until 3 am again.

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Tagged: @captainbuckyboobear @peakblogbecauseimweak @bsotstory @mollybegger-blog @morphoportis @ghost-of-student-sufferings @drippydownes2002 @ellar21 @sovereigngoth @willowick13 @xxxxxeroxxxxx @wheresthewater @anrm1 @pansexualginger @marvelgirl7 @evilspretty-dead @heyitscam99 @wow-he-cute @haroldpain @justrepostandlove @sparklyreaderx @emerald-bijou @multireality @innerpaperexpertcloud @goodiesintheclosetlove @giftofdreams @ihclipse @meer0rauschen @inkedfandom @thatsamegirl @doct0rstrange @jakechillenhaal @shanty-lol @centerhabit @clevertheoristpainter @jamierdr @favouritereadings @badmaax @thephuonganh @wewillfindourwaythere @uhhhemilyrose @scarrasco1325 @matoki-darkpanda @bignastyfan-nz @97freaknik @hot-and-spiceyyy @azayamari @shane-isa-shame @chimthighz @azayamari

[revol-lover]

nope i do need to vent

the thing is like i guess i’m just upset and got triggered by something today because like i can accept i guess what happened to me. well i guess i dont know if accept is the right word but it happened. i cant go back and change a single thing. i know that.

but whenever i’m reminded that what happened wasn’t ok and wasn’t normal and was literally so rare and so abnormal it just makes me so fucking sad because i wind up in the mindset of what if it didn’t happen. what if things went right. the way they were supposed to. who would i be right now? 

i get reminded of who i was before the trauma. i was in such a GOOD place. i was SO happy. i was FREE from a toxic environment that i had patiently waited for YEARS to get out of. it was finally happening. everything was falling into place and i was so happy with my life. and i was so freaking happy to be having my baby, finally. and a daughter too, which was surprising to me because my whole life i was convinced i’d have a son and that like, me getting a daughter would never happen (i wouldve been happy regardless i guess i just never genuinely imagined having a girl so it was a huge happy shock)

and then it all happened and everything came crashing down. starting with not being able to go into labor on my own. being 2 weeks late. being induced. labor forever (over 24hr). push for almost 3 hours. baby not doing well. low apgars. birth injury. immediate nicu transfer. not able to see her except for a quick minute before they sent her to another hospital and even then it was a glimpse, didnt get to hold her. going to bed that night in complete emptiness. complete fucking emptiness. why. why did it have to happen that way? being left alone the next morning so kevin could be with her (this was hard but i wanted one of us to be by her side.) having to suck it up and try my hardest to LOOK “ok” so that i could be discharged early and be able to go with her. have to suck up my pride and call my parents to drive me to the other hospital. mom comes. i get a call from kevin that babies having seizures. i cry. obviously. midwife (she was determined negligent so a lot of all of this is her fucking fault) told me that it was “normal” and “Happens sometimes” “but you pushed her out though!” i wanted to fucking slap her. it wasnt normal. and who cares if i pushed her out? if a c section would’ve prevented this i wouldve gladly done so for my child’s wellbeing the fuck. 

midwife approves d/c. leaves room. i cry. because wtf is my life. wtf is going on with my baby. everything is a disaster. my mom slams her fist on the food tray and tells me “stop crying!!! youll get that post partum shit!!”

...

because that’s how it works

...

i could go on and on about how the day and day after my baby was born were the worst days of my life not the best. the worst. because i literally almost lost her. she could’ve died that night. she had to be in cooling therapy for 3 days so we couldn’t hold her until she was 4 days old. by that point we already got the talk about the future. about how they didnt know if she’d ever walk or talk or if she’d have behavioral or learning problems etc because of her brain injury .it was a fucking lot.  not to mention at the same time i was so sick physically myself (couldnt keep food down. was trying to pump breast milk for her, but would vomit after every time. it was horrible and i stopped before we took her home) i definitely shouldnt have been d/c 12 hours after birth but i had to because i wasn’t going to be away from her for longer .but it just all was so terrifying and we had a hard time bonding initially because of all of this and it was truly such a horrible time. and then the denial from our family. telling us doctors could be wrong and “she looks fine”. people dont realize how hurtful and not help that is. you can be in denial all you want because it is not YOUR child. and no you cant “see” a brain injury.

 and when there’s no reason to think of all this i can go a long time without thinking of it but then it happens

the triggers.

the pampers commercial. the perfect birth story. a photo of a newborn on their mother’s chest.

and all those emotions just come flooding back and it sucks. i grieve for what life could’ve been if this hadnt happened. i grieve the fact that my daughter didnt get to be held for those first 4 days. that her little body had to go through what it did. that she had to lay on a cold pad (it helps slow down the bodies response to injury, which can prevent further damage) for 3 days after being warm and safe inside me for her whole existence.i grieve because although my daughter is doing well, it still should not have happened. shes not out of the woods. kids w her diagnosis have seizures return during developmental points of childhood.i have no idea what school will be like for her -- and the thing is like its ok. i am capable of handling that when/if we get there but.  it just sucks and none of it should’ve ever happened and i cant change anything. i know that. but sometimes i cant help but wonder what wouldve happened if things had gone right. would i have bonded better? would i not have had such a hard time adjusting to new mother hood? would i have had another child by now? would i have continued on that journey of feeling so happy and content with my life that i was on before all of this instead of just feeling kind of empty and jaded a literal 1/2 of the time? not with motherhood, necessarily, because after the first year i started to find myself as a mother more and thanks to the encouragement i got from her early intervention nurse, i really feel certain that i did well that first year especially. like we both (kevin and i) did our best for her and are partially responsible for her good outcome. but  i mean with life. i feel so jaded half the time. because life is unfair. and i knew that but man. no. life can be REALLY fucking unfair and idk where i’m even going with this anymore. sometimes i can find the way to having a mindset again of, we aren’t in control and all that, i get it but, idk. certain things still shouldnt’ happen and sometimes i really wish i could go back to who i ws before all this, when i had a genuine sense of optimism, because i thought, i had been through some of the hardest days already, and that was naive of me to think, but i just could have never predicted what was coming. and i’m still grieving that.

[atherissquamigera]

Skeletons in her Closet

What had she been doing….? All her thoughts were muddled and her emotions had taken control. All she felt was anger and hatred, those emotions coursing through her as she held her twin blades to the mans throat that was laying on the ground beneath her. Her knees resting on the floor on either side of his chest.

Her expression was a mix of those emotions as she stared at the man on the ground in front of her after having taken a step toward him and he had fallen. The former slave had been leading a better life but being approached by a former ‘client’ and him trying to intimidate her caused her to snap. 

“You don’ get t’ talk t’ me like I’m garbage or a whore y’ can use anymore!”

She had been half fallen since she was a teenager, having held so much hatred in her heart for her fate. Being faced by one of her abusers was causing her not to think straight. “Why did fate curse me t’ be a slave!? While you get t’ get off on peoples pain!? I was fourteen!!” The bitterness she still held in her heart was evident in her voice.

While usually the black rukh werent even visible, with the resurfacing hatred and bitterness they had made themselves known. It made the very air in the vicinity feel heavy and dark. It had been so hard to stop hating her fate, but her scars were painful daily reminders. Being called a whore and filthy slave cracked her usually calm and uncaring demeanor…especially coming from one of the first men who ever used her and pushed her owner at the time to keep her in the sex slave trade.

A commotion had started, but the broken woman didn’t even hear it. Guards called Muu and while normally she would immediately look up at the sound of the captains voice, right now it didn’t reach her any more than any of the other noise around them. While no longer yelling she had been slipping for a while, seeing her former abusers around the palace and being approached and spoken to like she was worth less than him was her breaking point.

Tears of anger and overwhelming hatred welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Why was fate so cruel? Why did this so called fate decide who suffered and who got to live a carefree and safe life? Why did she had to lose her family and endure the abuse she did? It wasn’t fair!!! She despised that thing called fate that had caused her so much pain. She wanted to make this man pay for all those years of pain.

The commotion was what caught his attention, and the sight before him was like something out of a nightmare.

He ran over, quick as he could, trying not to let his panic get the better of him.

The atmosphere…..the tension was almost a palpable thing.

“Aya!” he called out, stopping far enough away that she wouldn’t lash out “Aya, stop. Don’t do it.”

She couldnt hear him. Her weight was on the blades in her hands, emerald hues focused on the council member still. The fear on the mans face caused her to laugh,even with tears still running down her face. The laugh was a hollow, cold sound; very different from the warmth her laughter usually held. “Not so fun now is it when yer on the receiving end huh? Is it? Is it!!??”

The man was obviously scared for his life…and she found it funny. She held no sympathy for him, and enjoyed terrifying him. The dark energy of the black rukh was getting heavier in the air by the minute. She was slipping. Part of her wanted to make this man suffer. Cursing her fate and not caring what happened next…but the other part of her was desperately crying out for help.

The laughter sent chills down his spine, and immediately he went in to stop her.

He approached from the front, quick to grab her swords and take them from her and grabbing her arms.

“Aya, that’s enough,” his tone was firm “he’s not good enough to be killed by you. He doesn’t deserve it.”

The man below them was terrified, and Muu couldn’t give less of a shit.

“Come on, let’s go.” he gently pulled her off the man, pulling her up into his arms to carry her away.

Seeing Muu approach her was a shock to her system, enough so she didnt fight the weapons being taken from her. But his words and being pulled off the councilman caused that fight to come back.

“No he does deserve it!” Her hands were balled into fists, hitting against his arm. “He deserves t’ suffer! H-He gets t’ do whatever ‘ee wants–he needs t’ pay!” Being picked up, her arms got practically pinned to her chest despite her still trying to get Muu to put her down once they were alone she broke down into tears.

“No one shou’ be forced t’ do those things! No one! Ever! N’ he should pay fer that! Jus’ like all the others!” Shoulders slumped forward and her chest heaving as broken cries left her lips. The young woman still held an insane amount of bitterness in her heart, the distress almost ended up with her having a noble councilman’s blood on her hands.

Muu simply held her close, letting her vent and hit him as much as she wanted.

Now he knew….he knew how bad. Surly not the full extent, but he knew now.

“He will pay, Aya,” he told her “in time, when he can pay in full, he will pay dearly for what he’s done. Him, and everyone else like him.”

“Tha’ time hasnt happened in eight years…I doubt it ever will. They’re nobles…im jus’ some ex whore slave….no one cares wha’ they did….no one ever will care wha’ nobles do to slaves….no one ever will” Ayas whole body hurt. Her throat and lungs ached terribly. Her head throbbed and her eyes stung. She was too tired to keep crying, screaming and hitting his arm to try and get him to let go.

Hiccuping occasionally she leaned into his touch, her forehead pressed again his chest. Aya wrapped her arms around her stomach and sniffled, curling up as she shook and hiccuped. Her words now barely more than a hoarse whisper after all the crying and shouting. “They can jus’ make what they did go away…its not fair….i feel disgustin’ evey day..still feelin’ like their hands on me…and they can jus’ forget…its not fair..”

The woman was limp in his arms, rubbing her eyes with her free hand. She hated thinking about that the disgusting nobles of the countries where she was forced to work grew to be old and even more powerful….they had long, happy lives…they never paid for what they did, and at this point they never would. If people like them didnt exist..her family might have still been alive, but she could never truly know could she?

Muu wanted to apologize, to scream and and every person who’d hurt her and make them suffer.

Yet he knew none of that would help.

So instead he just took her to his room, a place of privacy and safety

“I’ve got you, Aya. You’re going to be okay.”

The solitude was appreciated…away from prying eyes and judgmental whispers. Aya wrapped her arms around Muu’s waist and hid her face against his chest. Letting the steady beat of his heart help to calm her down. “Jus’….dont leave me..please. Don’t leave me...”

The way she clung to him, it was like she was afraid he would vanish if she let go.

Muu simply held her as he sat on the bed, leaning back against the wall so he could hold her closer to his chest and just help her calm down, running a hand up and down her back to soothe her.

She’d try so hard to bury her past, to never think about it, but sometimes the skeletons in your closet come back to haunt you. 

Written out from an RP between myself and @leonisxbellator​

[notyourmothersspellbook]

(1)hi, i hope you're well. For about 5 years I visited the grave of a stranger that I and a former s/o felt drawn to. (His grave is missing a death date) I think we each have spent time with him individually, more so than the time we spent with him together. I cut ties with the s/o last year, and I havent visited the grave in a bit longer. I think of the grave and spirit very often. I spent so much time crying and venting to this spirit and I guess my question is, should I go back?

“Should i try to contact the spirit from home? He feels like a friend, but I really don't know much about him other than his grave meant a lot to me during that time and I always felt so safe where he rested, whoever he was. I've tried looking for info about him online and i never find very much. I almost forgot, I've been drawn to and I've spent time in that cemetery my entire life, but I didnt find his grave until my 20s.”

-----------

First I’ll say that it’s touching that you have such a close personal relationship with your local cemetery and with this grave in particular. Sometimes there are names or spirits that just seem to call to us at certain points in our lives or that seem to have an energy that we feel drawn to. However, in considering whether or not to contact this spirit and potentially invite it into your life/home I recommend that you make sure that you’re not projecting your own feelings/associations with the grave/cemetery onto the very real person who is buried there. What I mean is, this spot helped you earlier in life and was clearly a safe space for you. Those feelings can get tied up with the grave in question and you can start to imagine Tom Smith as this peaceful elderly grandfather-like gentleman or as this young and gentle caring man or whatever. But the fact of the matter is that at the end of the day he was a person like anyone else with good and bad aspects and family and friends who all have good and bad associations with him. If you feel drawn to the place and you want to connect with that spirit then of course go there and honor him and clean the site and leave some offerings and do all that you would do for any spirit, but, of course, be careful not to mistake your feelings towards the place and your own memories there with the complicated lived reality of this person that you want to contact and potentially connect with. 

[sunnybergamota]

hey gurl, what happened?

(Warning, big venting text. Sorry) :(

Honestly, I don't know what is going on anymore. It's just a lot little things that make me feel like shit.

I feel like everything is changing in my life and I just can't keep up. My school is going through a makeover (reform??idk) and the place I've been my whole childhood is just gone. Also I don't even have friends anymore! I feel like Im going to a new school. My only friends, who have been with me for years, just dont talk to me anymore. They don't consider me their "best friend" anymore. The only people I interact other then my family are you guys from tumblr.

One of my friends post on that weird "End of year asks" from Whatsapp that they would come back to talk to me, but idk. This was one of my most lasting friendships, it made me as much good as it made me bad. There were days that she would make me feel amazing, and other that made me feel the worst piece of shit. They just didnt care about my interests, or how I was, as long someone was there for her. Seriouly, I was always there as a shoulder to cry, someone who would give a hug, but if I was sad??? "Don't worry, you are just close to your periods", "you are just tired", "well Im not your theraphist". It hurted so much, I didn't had anyone to hold on. And she would always push me alway that way. "Oah Gabi, Tumblr? Thats soooo lame!", "Thats super annoying, don't", "Pls stop you are just embarassing yourself", "You know that this tv show sucks, right?", "OMG, she's such a nerd, she still reads! In 2019!" (Everytime someone says something critically about me/my interests, I just push then away. It can be just "You need to do x better", but I Will take it as a personal attack and I don't have idea why! I can know that they didn't mean it, but something will be there saying "bitch, they don't like you, cant you see it?" Like, what is wrong with me?) And also her friends! They really didn't give a fuck abot me. I don't think they ever considered me a friend, we just had her in commun and we would walk together in the school break because I was still her friend. I think she would just walk with me until the last weeks of class because of pitty? Charity? Something like that. Looking back now I can see how toxic it was.

Also somethings here on Tumblr are also making me sick? Like, it is the only place I still feel safe, but everywhere I look there is some discourse. About JKR, Trump, etc. The ones that make me feel worse are the ace ones. Bro, bloggers I followed (and admired) started being ""out and proud acephobics"". They would say nasty things about how aces are ""not lgbt"" or ""disgusting virgins, we dont care if you want to have sex or not!!1!"". They don't realize how this kind of shit hurt! As someone who just figured out who I am, having some one screaming things like "not opressed enough" or "just a confused teens" is not helpful and really depressing.

Also just a general empty? Idk.

Anyway, Im really sorry for the big venting, but this had been on my back for a while and I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

[ffuuuuuuuck]

september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit. 

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head. 

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now. 

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends,  i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today. 

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares. 

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again. 

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother. 

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation. 

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too. 

[stitchedcurses]

im just gonna vent vibe under cut 

ok so like i forgot i had a tumblr and im so thankful rn bc i just wanna vibe (i.e. vent) without upsetting anyone ahhaaaaaa

im like sorta sad bc two people that i really care about hate each other??

or, to be more accurate: one of the people (person a) hates the other and the person who is being hated (person b) has literally no idea that’s even happening?

and im not going to impose my views or opinions on people, and i can understand that person a might not like person b because of a misunderstanding that happened, but, i was there when it happened and i listened to the perspectives of everyone who was involved, so i feel like i have a good understanding of what happened and i feel like i can safely say that it was all a misunderstanding and it happened because of a lack of communication! 

but, because of person a’s personality and experiences they had in the past (that were similar to what happened) therye really upset at person b and were very heated about the situation as a whole. (they listened to one side of the story and were immediately upset and didnt listen to person b’s side. i dont think person b is evil, or all to blame, but i can agree that they handled some things poorly. both people did, but person a only listened to one side of the story and didnt get the full picture)

i thought that maybe once time passed theyd maybe be more calm and look at the situation more rationally once the heat of the moment had passed, but theyre still very angry and mad at person b. (this entire situation happened like 6 months ago, so its been a good while)

this, in and of itself isnt good, but its something im okay with respecting because i can understand that emotions are powerful and i cannot change person a’s opinion, nor should i impose my views on them

what’s making me really upset though, is that person b is trying to make an effort to be nice to person a, and person a is making really really mean vague posts about them? posts accusing them of being selfish and deceitful and fake, when none of these things are true at all and thats whats really upsetting me because i think its just such a mean thing to do? 

and i dont want to say anything to person a because they have a right to post what theyd like on their social media, since it’s theirs and i have no business telling them what they can and cannot post but it makes me so sad to see? because before i knew who they were talking about i was like “wow this must be such a horrible person and im so sorry you have to deal with them” but now that i know who theyre talking about, i can safely say that those things arent true!!! 

theyre not true at all, and person b and person a share a lot of mutual friends! and i can see that those mutual friends have interacted with the post, and im pretty sure they dont know who person a is talking about and so it makes me really sad to see? because i think if they know who person a was talking about they wouldnt agree, but its also not my position to tell them nor do i think that telling anyone who person a is vaguing about would help! i think it would make everything much much worse...

to person a’s credit, they have given 0 hints as to who theyre talking about and so i can respect that i guess? theyre venting but keeping the drama to themselves and i respect that...

person a talked to me today about everything, and said that theyd try to change their attitude only for the other friends that they care about, and they told me that they likely wont ever change their view on person b.

i told person a id respect their choice, and in their defense all the vague posts were made before they talked to me and vented their frustrations, so im sure that the vague posts were just a way to vent! but reading over them, therye so mean and hateful that it really hurts to see that?

maybe i shouldnt take it so personally, but i have had to deal with people being vague and back and forth and secretly hating one another all my childhood within my family and it makes me so tense and nervous and anxious and rationally, though i know i shouldnt feel this way, im so anxious and i keep having such scary thoughts thinking that all of my friends actually hate me and that i annoy them and bother them, and i know i shouldnt think this way but this entire situation is giving me flashbacks to all of my family problems and i made this group of friends to get away from those problems so now i kinda feel like i dont have any safe place at all and i really dont know what to do

i cant talk to person a about how i feel because i already told them its ok and telling them how i really feel now would only make them feel worse and theyre already so angry and touchy right now and i cant tell person b because theyd feel really bad that person a hates them and its just really difficult because i cant talk to anyone outside of them because i dont want them to talk to anyone else about the situation that's happening since i want it all to stay secret / private and ive just been on the brink of crying on and off all day today from this

i just wanted to have fun with the people i care about but its just upsetting to me because ive talked to person b about person a and theyre very sweet when talking about them and they have said they seem nice but person a is being just so hateful (for lack of a better word)

theyre the type of person to hold a grudge and ive had issues with them before, but weve moved passed all of those but they still have some little habits of passive agression that make me uncomfortable

but at the same time, this person is such a wonderful friend who i care a lot about and they care about me a lot, and i know that they do which is why im only more conflicted with everything.

i understand that the issue is between them but i feel like its all my fault somehow and im jsut really upset about everything. i dont know why this makes me feel like a bad person,but it does... it makes me think i havent defended person b enough? i dont know... im really tired and sad about this.

i dont know what to do and i know realistically everyone wont get along but i think person a has anger issues that they should maybe work with and learn to deal with and person b has a bad habit of taking everything personally and getting very anxious and paranoid, but they know about their problems and i know that theyre working on them...

im just kinda shocked i think? because i know person a can get angry and ive known that, but ive never seen them direct such hatred towards someone that im friends with and who many of their friends are friends with. it makes me feel like person a is maybe a little stubborn? theyre holding a grudge against a person that all their other friends are friends with and so theyre taking their word over the word of many people... im not saying they should be blindly faithful and im likely looking into this too much, but im just trying to understand for my own sake why im so hurt by this and i think that it has to do with the fact that it makes me feel like person a doesnt trust my judgment nor the judgment of any of their friends? 

i feel like person a in this situation has let me see another side of them? and it makes me think about some abusive family members and how theyd be angry and wouldnt listen to anyone elses views and i think that maybe its not so much person a, and it might be more my experiences? 

but it still hurts me a lot, a lot a lot and its making me wonder if theis friendship is going to last? i feel like the next time i see person a i wont know how to react to them and im worried i might cry

a friend right now offered to talk to me about it but im afraid and my throat is so tight i can barely talk without my voice shaking and i feel like if i do start talking ill start crying and they wont be able to understand me... 

this is so long but i feel a little better i think. realistically i dont think anyone read this, and im okay with that! on the off chance that someone did, then thank you, im sorry for whining and im sure it sounds silly... i know there are bigger problems but im stumped right now...

[kaertrolde]

i put this under  a read more bc its super long and i went on a total rant on something i didnt really mean to. but my whole topic is pets arnt disposable, so if you dont care just keep going. i mean you dont gotta read it at all, it was mostly just me venting to try and help me feel better. but in the end a pill seems a better more realistic choice.

i seriously just cant seem to win with my dad. everything right now is about the cats. HE SAID YES TO TAKING THEM!!! bc he wanted to put them outside when we lived in the country and i preferred them being inside bc its safer and ive lost way  to many cats out there. and also he would put them out when he left for work at like 4:30 am and then they would cry and cry at my window until i let them in. i found one of them cowering in a bush once and the other was next door where they have a big pit bull(this isnt a slam on the breed, i love pit bulls in general and i genuinely believe its all on how they are raised and socialized, just like any dog) who wasnt very friendly. and i said i didnt think we should take them bc i didnt want or feel comfortable getting attached to an animal and then just to force them outside where literally anything could happen to them. and my dad knew i would get attached, i always do. and now the liter box is his issue. it s “reeks” he always says and yeah sometimes it smells but that word i hate it. its just like he (and everyone else) “you gotta find a new place to put that stupid box” but then they dont offer any solutions. so its in my bathroom which is the front bathroom and my dads like no body will want to use that bathroom with that smelly shit box in there and im like okay well they know we have inside cats so they gotta have a place to shit. and i have a dog crate in the door way so my stupid dog doesnt go in there and look for brownies to eat. i hate how older generations just think of pets as disposable. we went from 2 pets to 4. from 0 inside or outside cats to 2. and he was just like we gotta get rid of them. and he still says we gotta get rid of stella all these years later. and its like no you cant just get an animal in the moment and then when they dont act how you expect them too or they dont serve the purpose you wanted them too, you cant just chuck them out like trash. im on the edge all the time bc of it and i dont know what to do tbh. ive been trying to find better literboxs and solutions but idk. i just gotta put it in my room and deal with it. and its just like he says do this do that and when i ask how or any other question he just says figure it out. 

and dont get me started on my moms new dog. he fucking treats that turd muncher like a freaking princess. my mom is gone from home about 9 hours a day. which is a lot i know but also she is a dog and they get used to things and when shes out she gets alot of attention and a lot of play time. shes not mistreated whatsoever. but i gotta walk the half mile everyday to let her out bc how would you like to be trapped all that time. again, shes a dog. they sleep for like 18 hours a day. shes got toys and bones and a big crate and a nice bed in there. shes got a yard to run around in when my mom gets home. its just so freaking stupid that . 

i love dogs and animals in general, just sometimes people gotta realize they have their own personalities and while some cats may hunt mice and gophers all day long some might not. while some dogs are super friendly around people and other dogs, some arnt friendly to other animals but love people. a lot of it is training and exposure but some are just predisposition to be a certain way. stella was very crazy until like maybe two years ago when she started to calm down. but through all the barking and jumping and otherwise crazy behavior i stuck with it with her, shes such a smart dog and picks up things so quickly, she loves walks and tennis balls and always lets me hug and snuggle on her. but my dad wont let me bring her inside. part of me is like i understand she sheds a lot. shes dirty bc we dont have grass in the yard, shes not fixed, and shes kind of small animal reactive. but i know she can be a good dog, and once i get a job and have my own money i am going to take her to the vet so she can get shots and get fixed bc she deserves it. 

the only animal i ever asked my dad for was my current small dog, we adopted her about a month after my old dog passed. and i just couldnt handle not having a small dog, roxy 1 slept with me almost every night for onwards of 9 years. she ended up getting an inoperable tumor right on her soft pallet that made her have nosebleeds and started loosing her eyesight on one side and could barely eat. and the last few days i sat with her and helped her eat soft food and tried to stop her nose when it started bleeding and i knew it was time to let her go but my dad just went and took her and i didnt really ever get a chance to properly say goodbye to her. i know it was the best thing for her and i know it would have wrecked me to know it was coming but i still would have liked to been able to say goodbye. 

when we got stella hes like oh craigs dog had some puppys come on if there is a black and white female we are gunna take her. so that was his choice. i was a teen i didnt choose her. i got to pick the puppy and all that but in the end it was his choice that i never asked for.

the same with the cats, my moms friend couldnt keep them after having them for 7 years and my moms like do you want them and i said of course i do but if they gotta be outside all the time i dont think its a good idea so i would rather not put them in danger if someone else could keep them safe inside. and then she went and asked my dad and hes like yeah we need outside cats. so again that was his choice. 

and when he says that we gotta get rid of them or do something with them it just breaks my heart bc i love them all so much that ive been sitting here crying while i type this bc i miss roxy 1 but at the end of the day i know she had a good life that she got to live entirely with us, not getting rehomed or sitting in a shelter or dropped off on a corner. and i dont think i could emotionally handle having to get rid of any of them. 

im sorry this rant is so long, sometimes i think tumblr is the only place i can really vent like this and not really feel guilty about it. im fine and im going to stand my ground and not let him get rid of them. 

my entire point of this was that pets are not disposable. 

[g-rightnow-blog]

Bully

Right now it's 4:12am I can't sleep. It has been a very difficult day for me. My sister and I fought again. At first I started it. She touched my things and that spark inside of me became a ball of fire. I shouted at her to stop and to leave my privacy alone. I've always been letting things go when she does shit like this to me but at that moment I feel I can't anymore. Why should I always let things go her way? I hate it! I hate it when she change my sheets, I hate it when we got to get her permission to change the sheets (bc she was afraid we mess that stack of sheets up), I hate it when she washes my things hang my things and all of it! And even if I do it myself, she'll be insisting it's not up to her standards. I don't know if I'm thinking right but I feel like cleaning up makes her feel superior and being in charge of most of the chores at home. She always say if she don't do will I do? I will but just not as frequently as her but maybe once a week. But her standard is to do it everyday and she'll inspect every corner of dirt and hairs etc. Anyway, after I told her to stop it she suggested for an exchange that I start picking up hairs on the floor keep the sink clean(no hairs or food particles) toilet clean (no menstrual stains, henna stains, mask stains etc) fridge clean (no stains no fallout of vegetables and fruits) stove clean (no stains) dishes all dry and in order, hangers all shapes and sizes in order, hairless surroundings all over the floor. Etc etc. I agreed as long as she stop invading my privacy. It's not as if I'm that dirty but I'll pick it up when I see it. Excuses? Well, for the sink at the toilet one I admit sometimes I get lazy, but I'll pick it up once it dries. As for menstrual stains and mask stains I really can't help it if its stuck at a corner of the toilet. Like after you shower do you inspect every part of the toilet floor? She only gets to see things I don't because she is the one that washes the toilet. And just when you think this is over... No. After I agreed she started harping on things that what if I don't do this what if I don't do that what if I don't follow it what if she still sees hair lying on the floor etc etc. I told her to stop it because this is a "right now" thing. And this is where she insist I promise her before and I didn't follow it. But from what I remember I only promise her before that I will clean the hair in the toilet sink (I didn't promise for the other things she wanted). But yes I broke it in the end because she started touching my things again. How could you expect one to keep up with something when you yourself do not have the ability to? And then it got even worse she started digging old stuffs to talk from young till now all the mistakes I've done towards her. Isn't all that shit over? Whenever we quarrel she always do this and it just becomes a never ending thing. But don't play victim. Have she not done shit to me? Do I have to blame myself for bad memory and for letting things go so easily? Or am I trying to be the bigger person to show I'm the superior one the mature one? No. I feel that holding in all the negativity inside of me does not make me a happy person at all. I do not think this way before but once, when we were younger but not that young maybe I was I can't remember 12 or 13, we got into a fight and one part, I pushed her with all my might and her head hit the wall real hard and she fell from the bed to the floor. It was very loud and really unforgettable. At that moment I hated myself I was in shock I didn't know I could actually do this and she was crying in pain. I hugged her rubbed her head and apologised profusely. I wanted to win the fight but I really felt horrible about the outcome. Since then, when we fight, I don't know if she can tell but I only use 50%. I was afraid the same shit happen or what if I went crazy during fights and she dies? Yes for this maybe a little dramatic but it could happen right? If you say karma, not really because it takes two hands to clap. I hurt her and she hurt me too. But do not say this is a build up thing because we have been fighting since young and I believe all siblings do have moments like this and we, like other siblings, use to make up till the day I discovered that she could be a monster (I realised when during one of the fights she would use all her might and even when I stopped or having really bad bruises or even blood she would go all means to continue the fight like she couldn't think straight and it look almost as if she was possess by a demon. Her eyes look different and I knew she was already out of control.) I thought I would've died if it wasn't that my mom came to stop her. And that was when I decided to distance myself from her. But if a negative incident can be forgotten/faded/erased, why not? As long as it don't matter anymore why make it matter when it's already over? Like am I suppose to argue back how she mess my drawer and stole my sticker book or tore my homework when she was a child? Or how she stepped on my hair when i was lying down and she refused to apologise by digging old matters up again? Because it's over, it's pointless. Am I suppose to hate her and always dig these up when we quarrel? We grow, we change isn't it? Oh God, I'm at the naive side again. She didn't change. Back to the story, My dad came out of the room, spoke to us and reassure I will do what she wants me to do if she stop touching my stuff. (It takes alot for me to agree to this because my things is my things why must I give up on my privacy to satisfy her ego. Isn't it more fair like I don't touch her things and she don't touch mine? But I gave in for peace and for my privacy.) It stopped. It went pretty peaceful for a minute till she started again. Picking on my flaws and habits like how I like to leave things around, put my things on the sofa how selfish I was because people cannot sit on it ( my home has 2 long sofas and 2 single sofa if that's what it's called. I only put my things on half of 1 long sofa and people hardly come my house and even if there is, I can ensure enough space for 6 people to sit) and how a LEAF from my box of strawberries fall in the refrigerator and that I didn't clean and how I use my leg to close the refrigerator, etc . Can someone understand me now? Having to love with so many rules and I swear I didn't even see the leaf drop out and if I knew I would pick it up. And the refrigerator part yes I use my leg to close the bottom compartment of it but seriously who hasn't before? And the bottom compartment is full of my things. Even my things in the fridge upsets her like my yakult and milo, she has to unpack it bc she didn't like the plastic on it like she felt that the packaging is trash. Is this a joke? And she wants to control the refrigerator and the living room? Is it safe to say that she craves for power because she feels inferior towards the outside world and gaining full control of the home makes her feel good? Is my room the only place I can be in? And it is absurd when she said if I wanted people to stop touching my things I should follow her rules too. I only have one and she have like a million of it! I went crazy I started throwing all my books to make space down the trash bin connection from my house. I was so angry at how absurd can she be. I took my things off the sofa as well. I threw most of our book collection (mostly mine tho and she managed to retain 2 of her books when she realised I was about to throw it and I could still ask her to choose which one she wants to keep, I'm so out of my mind) just to make space for my stuff. I kept slamming the trash bin as I throw my stuff I was trying to let my anger out. Then she stopped me, screamed at me what if I spoil it and they have to spend lots of money to fix it. Girl, you are the one who drove my crazy can't you be thankful that I'm slamming that thing and not your face. At that moment I can't think straight I was overwhelmed with that amount of rules and control I have to bow to, and this was my only way to vent my anger but why must she control how I vent my anger as well? Is she trying to slowly gain control of my human right as well? My anger doubled, I screamed back at her telling her not to interfere and if shit happens I would pay and be held responsible. But no she continued to stop me and again, repeating on the history part with a taunting tone. I told her to stop and she didn't want to even when I tried to ignore, she was like a broken record player. I felt so emotionally distressed. And here comes the disaster. I did wrong it was a great mistake but yes I went really crazy. How would you feel if someone kept repeating non stop on how terrible you are as a person and how all the "mistakes" I've done shouldn't be forgiven. It made me feel bad about myself and deep down I knew I wasn't the person as she described. Yet I still fall for it because I felt accused. I grab 2 bowls, initially I just wanted to threaten her to stop. I never meant to throw it but she thought I was going to so she threw a red bucket(yes it broke) at me and one of the bowl on my hand dropped while I was trying to not let that bucket hit me and she started went crazy as well,insisting that was a favorite bowl and it can never be bought, limited edition etc. (Note: whatever breaks will automatically become her favorite something so I didn't feel guilty for that. She can deny all the way but if anyone was in my position, you can definitely sense the act.) So she used the chance to hit me with all her might, continued her taunting. I was pushing her away, I was quite sure I didn't hit her. I just wanted her to shut up but she won't stop and the hitting continues. I use the other bowl to divert her attention. I broke 3 bowls altogether but it didnt stop her. I felt very tired already. Mentally strained. The hitting and scratching does not hurt anymore I felt numb. I even offered her to break my favourite bowl too. I was very desperate and not myself. But she only cared about the money how much the bowls cost and how not thrifty I am by spoiling other things as well etc (And if you think I went crazy just because of the words she said, trust me, she did the exact same shit to my mom multiple times too. My mom went crazy too. But nobody gets to see that sight of her. She was an angel and very polite to strangers/coworkers/relatives outside even if she dislike them. But she would badmouth them at home.) My dad got out of his room again. She went on to complain to him. I felt helpless, it was as though I'm the only trouble maker again and she was the angel. The floor was full of broken glass bits. I was begging my dad to stop her. I'm not very close to my dad and we are not on very good terms. But my vulnerable side gave in. She started taking pictures of the mess (as evidence) that I was the trouble maker. And then my dad realised there were blood stains all over. It was only then I knew I had several cuts on me. And nothing on my sister. Yes, my sister went on saying how dirty is my blood and about the bowls I've broke that I only know how to create trouble because she had to clean up the mess. I did offer to clean up but she snatch the broom from me and made a snobbish remark that my cleaning will not reach her expectations and standards. Double standards much? Kept harping on how I don't do chores yet forbiding me to do it? Really? I told her to delete those pictures and stop blogging about me. (She had this blog about me where she notes down all the "mistakes" I've done towards her.) Then she brushed me off that she didn't have a blog about me. Just because I try to forget most of the bad things don't mean I could completely erase my memory. I said I remember you saying it before. And then I regretted not keeping the whatsapp convo we had before. It was only then she admitted that yes but it's her own private blog and for personal reference. She was afraid that I deny these one day. I felt insulted because I wouldn't stoop so low to be in the same level as her. The last thing she said to me, " I cannot help it if you cannot control your emotions, I'm not responsible for the way you deal with your emotions." But hey, Google the definition and types of bullying first. She's like a walking cctv noting down every move of me that she hates. It's very frustrating when youre doing things and you know theres this pair of eyes somewhere. When I'm cooking when I'm washing dishes when I'm hanging clothes when I'm eating. Oh she also said I dropped bread crumbs on the floor and didn't clean up. And I was like OH MY GOD, when was the last time I ate bread at home. TO MY "SURPRISE", she replied, "In May"! Wow! Great memory! Why she didn't she use this in her studies? Always supervising me in secret that I keep things clean. Cut the act. If you want to act do it well. She always think that she's doing a great job at it but I've seen enough of her actions already. CAN I SAY THIS IS STALKING AND THIS IS AN INVASION OF MY PRIVACY? Previously she inflicted bruises on me as bad as today was a few years back. I took pictures then but I ended up deleting them just because I thought things became better. I didn't like the idea of remembering such things till I google some stuff that the right way is to gather evidence and so I can file for protection order against her. I really regretted it. I felt so foolish. So many times I wanted to move out but this is the last straw. (Note: I don't really hit her much as before when we fight these few years so bruises mostly on me, at least the more major ones. My friends all disagree on my choice for letting her all over me like this. But like I said before I didn't want that same unforgettable incident to happen.) I blame myself for the incident that happened today. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I deserved it in a way or another because I know that you cannot communicate with a person who is closing the doors on you by digging up old stuffs. I was impulsive. I apologised to my dad but I didn't feel sorry towards her. Anyway, please know it is a basic human right to have privacy and be free of emotion abuse caused by another being. It is no longer the slaves era and we should not let anyone control our lives like this. We are living for ourselves. I've seen my mom living like that wasting her youth away and I needed to put a fullstop to this. I've finally given up the idea on giving people chances or waiting for people to change. It is not going to happen. Some people remain stagnant and I've got to accept the harsh truth even if it's a family member. Blood is thicker than water does not apply to modern times anymore. I've seen too much of family going against each other in the real world. Even money is not afraid of water or blood. It's made of plastic now it's waterproof. And I hate myself for always using the kinder approach but not anymore. I'm going to be a more selfish person and treat myself better. My next move may be hurtful to my dad but I need to protect myself. Don't try to keep me by your side when you cannot protect me. And it suck though he didn't really blame me much and insisted he didn't side my sister, he actually did. I'm sorry.