#i was gonna work on it a lot today but all i got done was all the skin and blocking out hair and clothing
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astars-things · 1 day ago
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Y/n hughes x Lando norris
based on the quadrant video (Lando Norris vs Rookie driver)
Lando leaned into the camera, his usual mischievous grin on his face as he got ready to speak.
“We don’t encourage driving without a license. We’re in a controlled environment, and yeah, please don’t try this at home. Enjoy the video!” he added, sending a wink at the camera before turning back to us.
This wasn’t Lando’s first time doing one of these driving challenges—he’d done a similar video before—but fans had been requesting we, the Hughes family, give it a go. And with the F1 and NHL seasons barely overlapping, we had exactly one week to film. The perfect timing to get some chaotic content.
The location? An empty car park, with a set of cones forming a makeshift mini track. The vibe was set for a lot of laughs and even more laughs at my expense.
“Alright, boys and girls, welcome back to another Quadrant video!” Lando said, pointing at each of us in turn. “Today we’ve got something a little different: the Hughes family versus me, the F1 driver, in a driving challenge.”
Quinn adjusted his hat, already analyzing the track like it was game tape. "What are we driving?"
"A very high-tech, high-performance machine," Lando deadpanned before stepping aside to reveal four identical small rental cars. They looked like something you’d find in a driving school. "And by that, I mean…these."
Jack burst out laughing. "These things? Oh, this is gonna be too easy."
“So,” Lando turned to me, trying to hold back a laugh, “Y/N here has never driven before. Like, at all.”
Jack scoffed. “Which is insane, by the way.”
Luke didn’t hold back. “You literally work for McLaren, you’re dating an F1 driver, and you still don’t know how to drive? I’m younger than you, and I have my license.”
Quinn was the worst. He just looked at me, deadpan. “That’s embarrassing.”
I rolled my eyes. "You guys always drove me everywhere. And then I started dating you, and you have, like, twenty cars, so…"
Next, the video cut to me in the driver’s seat of a tiny orange car, with Lando sitting beside me, and my brothers standing off to the side, ready to watch my inevitable fail.
“Alright,” Lando began, pointing to the pedals. “This is the gas, this is the brake. You only need one foot.”
I shifted awkwardly in my seat. “Wait, you get two pedals, but I only get to use one foot?”
Luke groaned. “Oh, come on.”
Jack had his hand over his face. “This is gonna be painful.”
Lando just chuckled, giving me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “Ignore them. You’re fine.” He adjusted my hands on the wheel. “Ten and two.”
“I feel like a grandma,” I muttered, already regretting my life choices.
Quinn grinned. “You look like one.”
Lando stifled a laugh, his voice turning patient again. “Alright, now, just press the gas lightly.”
I followed his instructions, and the car jerked forward like a rocket. I yelped, slamming my foot on the brake. The car came to a screeching halt.
Luke collapsed into a heap on the floor, laughing like he’d just seen the funniest thing in the world. Jack clapped his hands together, bent over in laughter. Quinn had his phone out, recording every single second.
“Y/N,” Lando said, barely keeping it together himself. “Maybe not that lightly.”
After a few more attempts—and more teasing from my brothers—I slowly started to get the hang of it. Lando was patient with me, guiding my every move, even letting me go a little faster once I looked like I wasn’t going to crash into the cones.
“I’m actually driving,” I said, my voice filled with surprise.
Lando grinned, his hand on mine. “Told you you’d get it.”
From the sidelines, Jack shouted, “You’re still going to finish last in this race.”
“Shut up, Jack!” I snapped.
Lando chuckled, giving my hand a squeeze. “You got this, love.”
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loverboysturn · 15 hours ago
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˖ . ݁𝜗𝜚. ݁₊ popular!matt and smart!reader have their first tutoring session !!
got carried away but i love these two sm :( so excited to share more of them!!! asks & requests are always open.
these two are from the same universe as popular!chris & cinderella!reader. you can find all writings here.
06.58am.
you had pulled into the parking lot of the lake, your tyres crunching against the gravel beneath you. the morning air was frozen cold, and the sun was just starting to rise, causing a golden-orange glow across the sky.
you were shocked to see matt’s car already parked, surprised he’d actually turned up before 7am. even more surprising, he’d taken your usual parking spot, the one you always claimed when you arrived. typical.
you’d swapped numbers and texted him last night, arranging with him to meet at the local riverside coffee shop. it was always quiet at this hour, and you liked the view of the water, always making sure to take a photo of the sunrise to post on your instagram story.
as you look over to the group of benches placed outside the coffee shop, your gaze lands on matt, he was wearing his letterman jacket, the one with your college’s logo stitched into the back and his surname in bold above it. he was sitting on the bench to the side, coincidentally, the one you always sat on.
you shut off the engine, and gather up all your things, hoping to get this first session with him over and done with.
when you reach him, he looks up from his phone, locking it and placing it face down before giving you one of his infamous smirks. “ah, thought for a moment you were gonna be late pretty girl,” he teases, “you’re cuttin’ it fine.”
you roll your eyes, ignoring the nickname, knowing it was probably something he said to every girl, although for some reason, it made your stomach flip, but you instantly and quite easily pushed that feeling aside.
“well, i’m surprised you’re even here.” you say, sitting yourself down on the opposite side of the bench, placing a maths textbook down between you both.
“i told you, i’m not gonna let you down.” he says, shifting slightly to make room for your stuff on the table, “so, let’s get to work. shall we?”
“what do you want to learn first?” you ask, placing your elbows on the table, leaning your chin in your hand. “what does the matt sturniolo want to learn everything about?”
he leans forward, eyes scanning the papers you had brought with you. “i dunno, maybe somethin’ easy.” he laughs, “or equations, i’m really shit at equations.”
you can’t help but let out a small giggle, shaking your head as you open the textbook, finding the section you needed on equations.
you begin explaining the first set of problems on the page, making sure to break them down, keeping it as simple and precise as possible and as much as you had expected him to not take this seriously, matt was surprisingly observant, writing down little notes here and there as you went over each step.
“any questions?” you ask him after a few minutes.
he hesitates, then goes on to ask you, “did you really think i wasn’t going to show up today?”
you raise an eyebrow, part of you did truly expect that he was going to bail, but part of you deep down, is glad he didn’t. “honestly? i did, a little.” you admit, “but i’m glad you’re here. you’re a lot smarter than you think.”
he smiles at your answer, before it slowly turns into a smirk. “any questions for me?” he asks you, mimicking your previous question to him.
“is it true that you hooked up with one of the cheerleaders who’s boyfriend is the captain of football team we’re playing on friday?” you mimic his smirk, throwing him completely off guard, playing him at his own game.
“correct.” he chuckles, admitting it. “alright, back to equations.”
for the next forty five minutes, you worked through all kinds of maths problems, and matt started to really catch on. he began to understand things easily, solving the harder math problems with more confidence as the minutes ticked by.
he stops for a moment, looking over at you, when suddenly he pushes his jacket off his shoulders and throws it over yours. “here,” he says quietly, “you’re shivering”
you glance up at him, unsure whether to be surprised or annoyed at him chucking his jacket on you. “it’s not that cold.”
“do you know how many girls would love to be in your position?” he jokes, “wearing the matt sturniolo’s jacket.”
you huff, admitting defeat as you slip the jacket on properly, the fabric swallowing you completely but the sudden warmth and scent of his cologne takes over you. “and i’m sure there’s probably been quite a few who have worn it, probably with nothing else on underneath.”
“you really think i’d let just anyone wear this? c’mon pretty girl, told you there’d be something in this for you.”
“there is something in it for me, you promised you’d make the football team stop being mean to my best friend.” you reply, narrowing your eyes, “you have to keep your side of the deal.”
“i will,” he says, holding his pinky out. “promise.”
a small smile tugs at your lips. a pinky promise seeming ridiculous, but something about it secretly makes your heart skip a beat. maybe it’s how seriously he’s taking all this. your loop your finger around his and give it a half hearted tug before pushing his hand away lightly.
“i’m holding you to that pinky promise.” you reply, before adding. “i take pinky promises seriously.”
you stand up, starting to pack your things up when matt stands too, offering a helping hand when his hand brushes against yours and for a split second, it feels… electric. you pull back quickly, mentally scolding yourself, you mustn’t let yourself get distracted by his charm.
you have always told yourself that falling in love with anyone would only bring a distraction to your studies, and you’re far too focused on your goals to let anything nor anyone throw you off track. this is just tutoring, nothing more, and you’re not about to let a boy like matt complicate things by calling you nicknames, and giving you that same smooth talk you know he uses on every girl.
you glance down at his jacket still draped over your shoulders, and you quickly shrug it off. holding it out to him, “here,” you half smile, “thanks, i’ll be sure to remember mine next time.”
he takes the jacket back without a word, before he starts walking backwards to his car, still facing you with that infamous smirk smacked on his face again, “same time, next week?”
“yep, same time next week.”
“here again? before classes start?”
“yes matt, here again. 7am.” you say, tone steady.
“i’ll be there pretty girl, 6.59.” he laughs, chucking his keys into the air before catching them.
you watch him finally turn away and get into his car, driving off. as his car disappears, you get into yours and rest your head on the steering wheel, a heavy sigh escaping your lips.
and little do you know, this tutoring thing is only the start of something you never saw coming.
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arovalentines · 1 month ago
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watch it all go by
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mo-gxn · 11 months ago
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GRAGEUCWJVDJVIQ
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morelikesin · 3 months ago
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Sam's blueberry pie 🫐🥧 Which he's, as per the running joke on this blog, just as normal as U◠⁠꓃⁠ ⁠◕⁠ ⁠U
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burningcomputerpersona · 2 months ago
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local enby shocked to realize that taking their prescribed medication actually works and they can do stuff now
#everyone: adderall is soooo addictive you should be very careful with it and we'll cut you off if it seems like you're enjoying it too much#me: hmm what if i just. didn't. take my meds though. im sure i don't *really* need it#me: why am i exhausted and depressed all the time this sucks ass. maybe it's the crash they all talk abt i just need to power through it#me several days later: okay i have a lot to do today so im gonna take my meds and see if they actually help me do stuff#me: *actually gets stuff done and feels fulfilled about it and has the energy for more tasks*#me: *shocked pikachu face*#anyway. this post has been brought to you by the fact that i looked at the time. realized i had 20 minutes left until i had to leave#and thought 'oh that's plenty of time i can make a sandwich and eat it before i head out'#and i got so fucking shocked by the fact that i literally thought this in my own brain that i legit gained psychic damage from this#i haven't had a sandwich in over a month bc i didn't have the energy nor the willpower to withstand the feeling of bread on my hands#i made a sandwich im eating it now i have 7 minutes until i have to leave for class#i forgot how time feels longer when the meds work. i can fit So Much Stuff in the same amount of time.#anyway this is also kinda mixed feelings bc now im worried that im not supposed to be able to do so much or feel this content#and what if im actually high rn but i dont even know it and i end up getting hooked without even realizing it#much to consider#anyway. i got 2 minutes left now so im gonna be leaving soon#that was a great sandwich i cant believe i made it and ate it and also posted abt it on tumblr. in only 20 minutes#mine#random#adhd
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1eeminho · 1 month ago
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love how the boss keeps telling us to not go into overtime and to not fall behind with discharge reports etc etc while its just SO much to do all the time??? and not just shit u can plan??? theres so much unhinged shit happening all the time????
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zemnarihah · 3 months ago
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art students are suuuuch babies dude i actually can't believe all the profs are so nice i'd be grabbing people by the shoulders and shaking them and yelling "JUST REMIX THE FUCKING COLOR WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN 3 PAINTING CLASSES AND YOU STILL WONT EVEN ATTEMPT TO MATCH A COLOR THAT YOU MIXED BEFORE WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME DO YOU HAVE LITERALLY NO DESIRE TO IMPROVE OR DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS MAKING INCREIDBLE WORK IS ONLY OUTSIDE FACTORS YOU CLAIM TO HAVE NO CONTROL OVER RATHER THAN WORK AND A WILLINGNESS TO TRY CHALLENGING THINGS
#i actually was talking about this w one of my classmates during lunch today we were like yeah i feel like there's a lot of people who just#have tons of excuses all the time and don't really take it seriously and don't want to actually try hard#like in our classes we have noticed a lot of people like this this semester. and we have the little chat and then we go to class and the#whole time our other classmate is crying to me abt how her paints that she had mixed got too wet? in her stay wet palette bc i guess she put#too much water on the sponge? idk i use paper towels in a tupperware so idk what her struggle was.... 30 dollar palette btw....#anyway she was crying to me the whole time about how she couldn't possibly use those paints and i was like. cant you squeeze out more paint#to correct the consistency? and she was like no i can't remix them i don't remember what colors i used to get these specific colors#and i'm sitting there like. okayyyy. and then i was like can you not just use the watered down paints i think it actually is better bc you#can get really subtle blends and build it up slowly (the entire point of the assignment btw) and she was like no it's too watery even for#that (it wasn't) i encourage her to try anyway and she starts putting it down making no effort to blend in between layers and shows it to me#and it of course looks awful and she's like seeee it doesn't work. okay girl sure i guess just don't fucking do the assignment see if i care#like why are you complaining to me why are you not just MAKING AN ATTEMPT TO GET BETTER AT SOMETHING#what do you think school is FOR#and of course she had a headache. and of course she didn't sleep well. and one million other things. you're not gonna make it. you're gonna#apply for the bfa program and they're gonna deny you and you're gonna make up some reason it somehow wasn't your fault#god i hate to be mean i think it's valid to struggle and get frustrated OF COURSE i do it all the time but i never ever see her just like.#make something. without making up a million reasons why she could t do x better or get it done even CLOSE to on time#and there's like 6 of this girl. but she's the one who sits next to me so it just drives me extra!!! crazy!!!
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risingsunresistance · 1 year ago
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feels weird to not have much to post, i feel like i basically disappeared off social media compared to how i used to post but. there is simultaneously so much going on (things that are boring/heavy and not fun to post about) and nothing at all going on (i have not been able to play anything very much and havent been watching anything besides random documentaries i stumble across), leading to me having nothing to say lmao
i did finally write down a bunch of hypixel worldbuilding headcanon junk instead of having it only be word-of-mouth between me and ark lol. only 1700 words, i can do better 👍 it was literally only about admin magic, what exactly it means to "hack," what a server is, and limbo kjgfhk. i might make a big post about the limbo section one day :]
#things that arent worth having their own post bc it's boring normal life stuff#I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!!!!! i've only worked one day but i had a lot of fun#and i like my coworkers. im scared of tomorrow tho bc my manager who has been guiding me around isnt gonna be there#so second day in and im already on my own DFGHKJG it'll be fine.........#also I GOT MY DESK ORDERED LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO. SOON I WILL BE BACK ON THE GRIND I WANNA PLAY SKYBLOCK SO BAD#i've only been able to play on weekends or at ark's ;-; pain and suffering i need somewhere to sit#also fun fact. remember how the house was full of mold. well there was ALSO a gas leak for the past couple weeks#my existence is a miracle#im blaming all past behaviors on this. im normal now dont worry 👍👍👍#i think i already mentioned this but my snes power cable is missing and i need a new one Pain And Suffering#on the brighter side of my old games. i found by gbc! AND THE BATTERIES STILL WORK SOMEHOW LMAO#i can finally do a miserable gen 2 shiny hunt yippeeeeee#trying to find my gameboy copy of tetris attack but i dont see it anywhere 😔#uhhhh yeah that's about it i guess. been busy with sorting out work stuff and money problems and Everything Else#currently taking care of health stuff i havent done in years. time for dentist today wahoo#gonna try to get an eye exam soon. it's been like. a decade-#im not sure my vision is still 20/20 im having trouble reading some things digitally#billboards are fine. electronic ones are not those are just smudges#i dont know enough about eyes to know what that could be#chat
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aberooski · 1 year ago
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Every day I tell myself "all I have to do is make it through today" and I'm realizing that I don't know how I feel about the fact that I feel like I have to tell myself that every single day.
#a lot of times it's because I hate my job and I'm miserable#I literally cried in the car on the way home today because I got so stressed during my shift#never work at a movie theater kids it's awful#I wish I didn't#I wish I could have a real job because I fucking went to college I got my fucking dgree#and yet this was the best I could do because I've never had a job in my life so no one would give me the time of day#I feel humiliated every single day I walk into the building#I feel like such a failure and an embarrassment#and that's not to say everyone who works at the theatre ahould feel that way that's now what I'm saying#but that's how I personally feel about myself and the situation that I am in#and we're entering the busiest week of the year so it sucks even more than usual#but also I'm just so tired from this year it's been a really bad one for me and my family#just abysmal in every way#so I have to remind myself I have to make it through the day every day right now#but you know what it's fine I have a chapter done and ready to go on Christmas and it's been almlst 4 years in the making#so in that case I have a present for some of you and I'm really excited about it#it's gonna be a sad Christmas for us because everyone in my family is broke but I hope you guys all have a better holiday than I will#and as someone who adores Christmas like it's my favorite day of the year type adore I'm just really down in the dumps right now#just feeling very sad#but anyway sorry rant over I have to go to bed#I don't get saturday's off and those are my lingest shifts so 🙃#I get christmas eve and christmas ofd tough 😊#but not the day after 🙃#anyway bedtime for me sorry to rant guys#abby's self deprecation hour#abby after dark
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago
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...
#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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kellystar321 · 2 years ago
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.
#periodical life updates#maybe when artfight is done i'll ask for avm art reqs; that seems fun. i wanna draw the colorful sticks#(<- has been mainly drawing the stickmin sticks for twitter)#wait i also mentioned i wanted to work on my selfship blog right? fck. and also my part for that map too.#jegus jace r.i.c.k.e.c. starlight youve got so many projects huh. well its good to write them down. ive got this thing i do where once i-#finish a big project i forget all other projects ive ever had. ''i was so caught up in the euphoria of not being busy with artfight anymore#''i forgot that my other projects existed!'' type beat. future jace check here when youre done artfight. you've also got a fic to write!!#and ecas to draw! you also wanted to do an oc sexyman tourney but you wanted to draw everyone portraits first so <3#stickmin comics (charles; randy; jegus we probably cant think of montana just yet) and also i still got the requests from there :'>#maybe a commission sheet. i might do kofi commissions they sound fun. real commissions stress me out hgkjh </3#infinite art project hell hfkjhf </3 didnt do much artfighting today due to dentist appointment. it was very unpleasant.#i need a lot of dental work done. i have to go back next week (RIGHT BEFORE SAHCON TOO LMAO) and i also gotta have my wisdom teeth removed#not then i think (hopefully i dont wanna be fcked up before sahcon :/) but eventually. ugh. mimserable.#my queue's running low again. im tired of filling it back up ough u-u#my new drawing tablet came in btw!! ive been drawing more comfortably again <3 gotta update my progress reports for artfight#ive been watching secret sleepover society though hjdfjkh they played a cute potion making game!! but i'll work on the spreadsheet now hdjk#okay done and posted! gonna take my dental meds and probably sleep or add more stuff to queue?#see ya! <33
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anothermonikan · 3 months ago
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I don't think you can actually tell the difference between someone having a legimate issue or difficulty completing work vs someone 'just being lazy' that easily actually.
#Sorry sorry lots of talk about group work today and everyone's a fucking struggler who's basically doing it solo or whatever#And that topic of conversation has always made me feel Bad because I've always had trouble keeping up the pace at which most people work#It's part of the reason I tend to leave stuff so late because i get scared and then work all the time no breaks.#It always disclaim it's gonna take me about 5x longer to do work most people can probably complete in an hour#Because I get very stressed and I'm a perfectionist and my brain is weird and overthinks everything ever#I have not yet found any solution to this issue. I am convinced there isn't one except leaving it all to the last week and using the panic#To pull all nighters every other day. To get it done#But I can't fucking. Do that if out progress is logged on a repo... Thinking ahead to out next assignment#I've already had the hard talk with my friends about it and they where all very nice to me but I still feel bad a bit#And I'm glad they know it's not because I don't care I care so hard it fucks me up to the point where it gets really difficult asdfhdhd#But idk sometimes people will bring examples up of one of their teammates 'clearly just being lazy and not caring enough' and it's just#Something I can fall into doing as well. So like. I don't think it's that easy to tell actually#Like I get if it's a pattern then you kinda have to intervene because yknow it's a grade you need to get#I hope if I ever fall so bad I stop working that my friends would pop in to ask me if they could help. But people are very. Mean about it#Idk where I was going with this I just wish I was better than I am I guess. Aughhh#I should go to bed <<< feels bad as fuck because they got nothing done today#android.txt
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itsalwaysdark · 4 months ago
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itis very funny i post so much abt myself but i dont actually post that much abt what goes on day to day . mainly bc there isnt much but like. u guys arent even aware of mine and lamps current music phase .. crazy
#well i thnnk ive mentioned it. were very jnto kpop atm weve been watching a lot of videos ive added like 30 new songs to my playlsit snd#theyre all kpop. its fun#we arent rly into any of the like . fandom part of it FNFNJF neither of us rly do fandom at all im reformed and lamp never rly has. but yes.#there r like 8 kpop songs on my on repeat atm which ik doesnt seem like a ton but its bc i tend to just listen to the same 3 songs on repeat#for days on end#currently villain by pixy is going platinum. and nobody knows by kiss of life is huge. and maria by hwasa and hip by mamamoo were big...#SOO yes. and theres many others...#we just watch those big comp videos and then grab whatever we like.and today we watched a lot of the dance practice videos bc theyre fun 2#watch#but ya. itis fun. its also fun bc like. obv since were watching like. fancomps we get to like peoplewatch kpoppies which is fun. except when#it isnt but then we just dont look at the comments#umm and today we played more stardeww we finally finished the first year in our save. i mentioned potato bix earlier its the deeply#controversial new farm layout#we only had 30 strawberry seeds from last year skullllll. so its very potato heavy hence the name#its like. i think. 2 6x13s + 2 21x3s. but the 21x3s have sprinklers#and then other assorted crops in the middle and then lamps got like a few up by their house but theyre all sprinkled#it does look like ass. and the profits Will not even be that good. BUT ! our fortunes will turn come blueberry day <- famous joke with me#and lamp. more common variation our fortunes will turn come cranberry day#i will say spring in sdv is like back to school like winter is for kicking it and playing around and then its spring and its like fuckk. we#have to do everything there is#but were almost done with all the bundles we have to get fuckass red cabbage so itll be fall b4 its done#weve got 2/3 apples just from the batcave so thats nice#and aside from that we need like 3 more gold parsnips and then a few animal goods. like i think we need 2 of 3. of large milk large goat#milk and duck egg. and we just got cows and a duck#nd thennnn well be getting the goat soon..#und then well prolly fully update the barn and coop#weve got most of our tools to gold except like. an ax and i think lamps pan needs another upgrade. weve even got the trashcans gold now#nd then eere gonna hold off on iridium bc 1 we dont have much 2 were sabing for sprinklers for when we get the greenhouse and 2 expensive.#itll have to wait for BLUEBERRY DAYYYY which willt ake a while#and then probably well just work on fully upgrading the house and all this.
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phagodyke · 8 months ago
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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neverendingford · 11 months ago
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#tag talk#I like my therapist a lot. had another appointment and she's way more thorough about the initial screenings and my last therapist wasn't.#anyway today was a questionnaire about trauma and so I sat on my bed huddled in blankets and she was like heyy you gonna be okay?#largely not okay because Easter was yesterday so you know.. religious christian holidays be that way.#but I didn't cry during the session at all and she was cool and said some good things that I have now forgotten of course.#still didn't tell her about boofing everclear and fucking up my gi tract for a week or so (idk how long it's been)#but she was like “you don't have to tell me. I already get that you do risky behavior” cause I told her about my grindr escapades already.#her earnestness does make me want to get better.#often when people are obnoxious about my issues I just double down as a “fuck you” to them. so I'm glad we've got a good rapport instead.#I didn't get a chance to talk about plurality but it's fine cause I don't think it's they big of a deal. just another coping skill I have.#she did specifically recognize and congratulate me on the fact that I've deliberately worked on coping skills which felt really good.#like. I used to not be able to fall asleep so I practiced it and now I can. I used to startle really easily but I practiced and now I don't.#I have done deliberate effort to overcome my issues and usurp!#*usually people don't notice because they just see the successful outcome.#so it's nice for someone to recognize the work I've put into overcoming my trauma responses even as a kid
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