#i was going to do work health insurance and stay till i find something else. but i cant deal with them anymore

[audiovisualrecall]

The two sketchbooks side by side 😊

[thisismeracing]

If they're going to give everyone that is racing a penalty so they have to stay on the positions they started in we might as well call it a parade! I'm all in for penalties when the occasional calls for it especially for causing collisions that HURTS other drivers! But they've been giving them out freely lately and it gets even more frustrating when one gets a penalty and the other gets a pass (not towards any specific driver) for doing the same thing!! The FIA simply just don't don't have anymore credibility and everyone sees that they are reaching so they won't loose respect and control over every situation, only they don't realize that already happened!

they lost control and respect when:

- They banded/changed the rules around to try and give an bad explanation to their mistakes and wrong doings and I'm not only talking about the 2021 fiasco

- When they constantly hunted down (and still is) a driver for wearing a fucking 1 cm nose piercing as if was the same as wearing a watch, or for preceding to do so even after a doctor letter that said he couldn't get it removed for medical reasons. As if they didn't have bigger issues to worry about, as if this was of maximum importance, when we all know it isn't, this is a sport where people can lose their lives for so many factors that won't ever include a less than 1cm piece of metal! Maybe they could use this time to certify if all the teams were all good and inside the rules about things that compromise other safety! Perhaps checking the cost breach of some teams?!? See where that money is going?? I pretty sure you can spend that much on food services?!

The fact that they were surprised when he showed up this year with another piercing on, both sides of his nose made me laugh so hard!!

- When they fell short on punishments for big brakes of rules?? Rules that insure everyone gets a fair chance of have similar cars that are competitive with each other? That do not include someone's cultural references? You know things that actually keeps the sport from turning a shitshow that only cares for money?

- When they disregarded the amount of time off, and limits to their healths, and added sprints for no reason (bc they are boring as fuck) and more races to the calendar, to make perhaps more money? I mean why else would you compromise them by pushing them harder? and this goes for the Mechanics too, since F1 dos not let them have to teams that alternate each other so they can have some rest? Can you imagine how much they work? They get there days before the race weekends, they get there earlier and leave way later than the rest! Are they well paid? Do they agree to it when signing a contract? Yes and that's exactly why rules exist! Otherwise people that need more money become manipulated to extremes for money/opportunities, every one could use a little more of it, even if impacts them badly! Especially now that F1's dilema is "You can always be replaced", "if you won't do it, i'll find someone who will" but not in a search better professionals (lets be real they are already so pre selected), but because that makes them trapped between what they need vs what a human can take. Physically, mentally, emotionally. This is coming from someone who grew up with a professional & high position mechanic dad.

- When they know that SPA is a very dangerous circuit mostly due to the rain. That we all know can't really be changed at anyone's desires. So instead of being responsible and making a hard decision that will likely piss off a lot of people, they waste everyone's time and money by having to cut races short, delay the races for hours, not be able to provide a sense of security and on top of that it just makes everything less entertaining (which is not something they want). All of this on top of the fact of the extreme safety issues. For what? They might as well remove the Belgium Gran Prix from the calendar till further notice, because there is nothing you can do to change the factors. I am pretty sure that more than half of everyone involved wouldn't complain about replacing it for now with a circuit that makes more sense logistically. There's so many unsatisfied with how the last couple SPA races have gone. All that because they refuse to go against the big boys with the money, in a situation that needs and outside intervention from the people that are there to do exactly that!

- When they didn't intervene, regulate or limited teams from disrespecting, disregarding and mistreating their drivers and other crew members. I think putting aside our favorites for a second we can all agree that: The way that Haas departed from Mick was wrong the way Gunther Stainer treated and talked about him even after he left was so disrespectful and uncalled for.

The way McLaren handled Daniel's departure from the team was also disrespectful, unnecessary, mean to a point it almost (to me definitely) humiliating, and it angered everyone, because he's very sweet and no one has EVER complained about him or said he was hard to work with. Zack Brown should of been replaced for being unable to professionally handle something that didn't have to go this way, he should have been held responsible for risking their drivers mental health, for putting all the blame from a bad result on him as if he was the only (or for many wrongly) reason for all their problems which is insane because not even his teammate was doing that much better. That is not what a team's for. You win together, you lose together. Besides everything it was SO disloyal of them, he broke a lot of disbelief that was being held against them, and it's not like he hasn't a good driver bc out of last year's grid he was part of the only few drivers who had actually won a grand prix before. And even IF that was the case, they had held it with decency, it just felt like the whole process was being handled by a child.

I felt really bad for Oscar, because this just made the start of his career badly. This was not his doing. He is a driver looking to get a chance. He's a good driver too. And this shouldn't make him a bad person.

For DeVries it just felt gut recking. This guy is a championship winner, he was waiting his time and opportunity to get a seat. FOR YEARS. Was also a reserve driver (why have him as a reserve if you'd never have him as a driver given the chance?), Last year he had the chance to race for the first in F1, he had to replace a driver that couldn't race that day. You know what he did? He got in that fucking car that honestly wasn't the best and hadn't reach the points the whole year, guess what? Not only got to the finishing line after a beautiful race with brilliant overtakes, he got that damn car into the points!!! Everyone was so impressed, why would keep him as reserve for so long? And he created an opportunity for himself that day. He earned that seat and everyone knows it. Than this guys starts his rookie year, in a new car, again a car that isn't able to compete for the top, is going okay, because no one expects a rookie to get in the top 10 every race of his first season, very few world champs did. All I can say is that they didn't even give him the rest of his first year! They actually didn't give him a chance at all! And again the way it was handle behind his back, from one race to the next was ??? And again no hate to Danny Ric for taking that chance.

Why haven't they been mediating all of this? Are you kidding me? How is all of this allowed? They wouldn't think twice if the drivers were the ones being deceiving. This took a toll on their health and career for no reason other than the fact they could. There's nothing wrong with ending contracts if things aren't working out. But this? And I would like to add that NONE of these drivers were caught saying anything about their situations negatively, they had the right to, the right to defend themselves and to give that disrespect back, but didn't.

I'm pretty sure you guys could add way more to this list. And the fact is that even the teams/people that are benefiting from it are satisfied with they're decisions, and that says a lot. Looking past who we cheer for, every single one of them can list a bunch of decisions that made no sense. This has gone way past favoritism, at this point no one can keep up with the hell they are doing. This sport needs to organize itself, bc this behavior is so self destructive. Every sport need and deserve an independent trustworthy serious organized and professional organization to make sure everything runs fairly, smoothly, safely with basic logic and respect, we know that right now the FIA ain't it.

-🎀

again sorry for the long messages but I think I'm at my limit as someone who has grown up experiencing Formula 1, as someone who is really interested in this sport, and that cares about the rules, just as much I care for the engineering that goes in it, just as much as care watching every single race, knowing that not much exiting and new things are going to happened, or that drivers that I really like don't really have the chance to win!

You were on point with everything in that ask, nonny!

I was getting ready to mention the "catering budget" when you did lol

As someone who experienced something similar with a different sport (hockey), it's frustrating, and, honestly, it just proves what Lewis said about money ruling it all. It's infuriating seeing how they go around blaming pilots for shitty cars or unhealthy workplace conditions (aka danny and mick situation), and it's just as infuriating seeing that some people agree with and think that this is how it should go.

At this point, I would say that they probably need to get the decision board replaced because clearly it's not working as it should, and its obvious that what's in the paper won't always happen in real life, but at least part of it has to, and we're not seeing it happen. I can sympathize with your frustration and agree that F1 has lost a bit of its magic (my dad told me just the same the last two races he saw me watching, he didn't even ask who was leading because it was obvious, and he didn't even mention all the other problematic stuff going around).

[theplushmaker]

Oki since someone asked for the Silver headcannons I'll post them, there's quite a few so I hope you enjoy!

Please let me know if I should put a warning

• Silver loves to look at the night sky to see the stars since he came from an apocalyptic future where ash and smog covered the sky

• Silver was originally part of Sonic's time but was transported 200 years into the future by Mephiles to insure the (rewritten) events of Sonic 06

• Silver enjoys botany

• Silver was taught English by Mephiles

• Silver knows seconds and days but has trouble when it comes to hours, weeks, months, and years

• Silver at first had trouble understanding how birthdays worked

• Silver was a lot shorter when he first met Sonic due to malnourishment, making him look like a 10-year-old (despite being 14)

• only Silver remembers the events of Sonic 06 due to Mephiles' interference

• Silver had to ask Sonic what certain words meant ex: parents, mom and dad, sister/brother, etc, etc, the first time he asked Sonic what family was, Sonic was, understandably, confused then worried, afterward, Silver had asked Shadow instead only to get the same results (albeit less obvious) so now he only asks if he can't figure it out on his own

• Silver is used to hot temperatures due to the lava and fire in the apocalyptic future

• Silver gained the ability of foresight, albeit weak, (after Sonic 06) and is only able to use it when meditating (this is so that Silver doesn't have to appear JUST because "oh the future's in danger and he has to prevent it" like in the games)

• Silver can not time travel, that was all Mephiles' doing (^)

• Silver has a fear of fire (pyrophobia)

• Silver can not tell when someone is being sarcastic and will take everything someone says literally, Charmy learned this the hard way when he told Silver to "throw the bucket of water at Sonic" Sonic was knocked unconscious with Tails panicking, safe to say Charmy learned his lesson and was later grounded by Espio when he found out

• Silver's first "food" when Mephiles sent him back was ham sandwiches

• when Shadow had to keep an eye on Silver, (along with Rouge and Omega, due to him getting a head injury because Shadow "accidentally" kicked him and Rouge felt it was their mostly his responsibility to take care of him till he recovers) he saw Silver laying on the ground outside, when Shadow walked over Silver looked at him with big eyes saying "it's so small" with the tone of an amazed child, upon closer inspection Shadow found out that he was referring to a caterpillar he found eating a leaf, Rouge was there recording the whole thing

• Silver managed to make Shadow smile when he first saw snow and started acting like a child on his first snow day

• Silver never told anyone about the events of 06 after the "time-line reset" thinking it was best left forgotten (that and he's afraid of what everyone will think should he tell them that he helped a man, who no longer exists, almost end the world)

• Silver sleeps at 12:40 but will wake up at 4:00 IN THE MORNING just because he's still not used to the concept of time, the only reason why everyone knows this is because one-time Sonic let Silver stay the night at his and Tails place, and Tails ended up finishing a project at 4:33 AM the boy walked out of his lab expecting for Sonic and Silver to be asleep, only to get the absolute daylights scared out of him when he finds Silver (trying to but shh!) Reading a book at the kitchen table, Silver fell out of his chair and Sonic came down running (but not without falling off his bed and hitting his head hard) to check on them, after that they told everyone of Silver's "messed up" sleep schedule

• Silver is illiterate but is trying his best to learn how to read without anyone knowing, so far no one suspects a thing

• Silver has quite a bit of pain tolerance given the fact that Knuckles dislocated his shoulder once and Silver didn't even flinch, even after they fixed it by taking him to a doctor

• Silver can not stay in one place for too long, given the fact that he traveled all over the place in the apocalyptic future, it was only a given that the habit never died, of course, Sonic and co can keep him from leaving by simply keeping him busy, this has helped greatly with surprise party's

• Silver's first "language" was just a mix-mash of 40 other languages

• if Silver doesn't use his psychokinesis he can end up building up too much energy for his body to handle, so what happens if he can no longer handle it you may ask? Chaos, absolute chaos, he ends up acting like Charmy on a sauger rush and Sonic when he has coffee, his abilities go haywire and he doesn't even know it, the worse part is, the only reason he did stop using his psychokinesis is because he made a bet with Shadow to see who can go the longest without using their abilities, Rouge, of course, recorded the whole thing, along with Omega, no one has let him live it down since

• the gold bracelet things (what are they even called?) Silver has can store excess energy and it can store a lot, (so combine that with energy build-up)

• Silver has nightmares of when his primary caretakers were killed, (PTSD?) Though sometimes it would be about Blaze, Amy, Sonic, Shadow, or all of them, sometimes it's them getting killed or them leaving him once they remember or find out about the events of 06, which is why he tries his best to act as normal as everyone else, though sometimes it's about Mephiles telling him things, he tries to bury those memories

• Silver didn't know it at the time but he and Mephiles had a father-son relationship before he realized Mephiles was using him, it saddens him knowing that he might never have that type of relationship again

• Silver sometimes reminds Shadow of Maria with how he acts when he sees/ learns something new

• Silver, Shadow and Sonic have a brotherly relationship, Silver being the young oblivious brother, Sonic being the carefree middle brother, and Shadow being the strict older brother

• Silver may act like a child most of the time but if someone gets in his way of survival, he will go stone cold

• Silver's boots are made of metal so they weigh quite a bit, of course, the only reason why everyone knows this is because when Shadow "accidentally" knocked him unconscious, he, along with Rouge, tried to drag him inside only to find out his boots weighed him down and had to be removed, this lead to the discovery that Silver was underweight, (they left his boots outside, covered by a box because they didn't want to bother trying to move them inside)

• Amy and Vanille were the first to find out that Silver had quite the sweet tooth, he likes marshmallows best

• Silver gets vocabulary lessons from Amy while taking cooking and health lessons

• Vanille makes sure that Silver eats whenever she gets the chance, like a worried mother

• Silver's teeth are surprisingly healthy, just not the cleanest... with a little bit of red staining (though people assume that it's because his gums bleed and not because he ate something he shouldn't have) Amy had to teach him how to brush and had to remind him to brush every night until it became a good habit of his, his teeth are also pretty sharp for a hedgehog (I wonder why)

• due to multiple reasons, (take a guess) most of Sonic Co think that Silver didn't have a great upbringing, with most of them assuming that he had strict parents and lived during a famine in a dry/hot area that was prone to violence, which they aren't wrong but they are?

• with Silver's fear of fire, one would think that he and Blaze didn't get along, but the opposite is true, Blaze keeps using fire at a minimum when he's around and if she did use it then she'd give ample warning time and space before she does it, in return Silver stays close to the ground so he doesn't "trigger" her fear of heights

• Silver does not know anything about romance, so when he starts to suddenly feel odd around Blaze, ex: abnormal heart rate, weird feeling in his stomach, warm cheeks, etc, he asks Amy about it, (mostly because she's been teaching him about health) and she gets excited and tells him about love (she's secretly cupid, fight me)

[thedevildomdaily]

A Tie That Binds

Chapter 2: Absolutely Not!

NOTES:| Warnings: Swearing.| Reminder: Lilly is the human exchange student in my head canon scenario.I recommend reading my pinned intro that explains more and the bios of my MCs | There are spoilers referenced throughout this story, but I am currently at Lesson 30| Message me if you have any questions!| This is my first fanfic| Thank you my trusted Beta-Reader @wolfiesworld <3 you’re a life-saver!| CH 1

“WHAT!?”, said a collection of voices, echoing through the long corridors of RAD! It was followed by a loud banter and outrage amongst everyone in attendance at this council meeting.

“Whaddya mean ‘holy vows’?!”, Mammon was the first to ask.

“V-V-VOWS!?”, Leviathan sputtered with a face lit up with crimson, “As in...M-M-MARRIAGE!? No! Game over, I quit! There’s only Ruri-chan…”,

Asmodeus chimed in, “It wouldn’t be fair to all of my fans if I were to settle down with just one person!”, He ran a hand through his hair and crossed his arms, Satan merely shook his head at his brother’s “justifications” though he too thought it was preposterous. Satan, being the intellect he was, remained silent while his brothers went on, there was only so much their eldest brother could take before going off and he was NOT going to be on the receiving end of it.

Belphegor was shaking with anger, visibly gritting his teeth! Beelzebub, always by his twin’s side, shared anger in this proposal, Lilly surmised that they put a level of blame into what happened to their beloved sister on the nephilim. Still it wasn’t their direct fault, she’d have to talk with Belphie later about it. He tended to open up to her quite a bit, Beelzebub too.

“Enough!”, Lucifer finally shouted! Putting his brothers back in their places! Whether he agreed with this idea his former brother and Lord Diavolo concocted or not, his expression wouldn’t say, he also wouldn’t allow his younger siblings to overstep their boundaries with the prince. “Lord Diavolo, please elaborate...” His gaze went across the room towards the nephilim, gaging their reactions.

Lilly hadn’t paid attention to the nephilims’ reactions on the account of a very loud Mammon and Leviathan, however she observed a spike in Zaksalamel’s anger. He'd even stepped in front of his sister, as if to shield her. Azriel once again gripped his brother’s shoulder, but he remained calm, pushing past her brother. Lena only looked at Diavolo, insisting he continued, She didn’t seem phased at all by this odd solution.

“I would not be able to send just anyone to the human realm to aid you;” Diavolo continued while looking at the female nephilim, “I trust Lucifer and his brothers being strong enough and capable of handling the situation. Their presence, however, could not only pose a threat to the Celestial Realm, but to the humans as well. Your father may be in charge of the Helsing Corps., but he answers to a council that refuses any communications with me.”, He furrowed his brows in frustration.

It was Simeon that continued explaining, “I believe you being half human, can make a pact with demons, is that correct?”, The triplets looked at each other, then nodded. “Well having a pact with the brothers would insure your human council that they can’t pose a threat. Your world, as you say, is already littered with unwelcome guests, having the Avatars of Sin suddenly appear would only scare them more!”, A valid point, Lilly thought, being ONE of those scared humans.

“And the ‘Holy Vow’?”, Azriel urged him to continue.

“Having a pact with the 7 Avatars is not to be taken lightly, especially in the hands of a nephili-”,

“Tell me about it!”, Mammon interrupted! Not believing anyone was considering this. “MAMMON!!!!”, Lucifer glared with black aura seeping from his body in his brother’s direction.

Simeon gave a sheepish laugh and continued, “The vow would specify certain stipulations, normally the traditional human vows would say something like ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part’, followed by a holy authority-”, The room was filled with angry whispered and childish disgust in the citing of vows, “Having the vows rearranged to include ‘under an oath to keep peace between the realms, sworn not to invoke war towards any of the three realms….’, Would become a contract since everyone involved are spiritually powerful beings, and to top it off you, Azrelena, have angelic blood. You would be bound to keep such an oath.”.

“Does it really have to be a marriage? Why not just a contract?”, Lena asked, she hadn’t really reacted before like the demon brothers did, “I mean for one, you’re directing this at me, is it just because i’m a woman?”, Lilly couldn’t help but laugh, she really just called them out on it. Both Diavolo and Simeon gave sheepish expressions and avoided the female nephilim’s gaze.

Suddenly, Barbatos chimed in, “Actually it was I that made the suggestion.”, Lena raised her brows and lowered her defensive take, the triplets were familiar with the demon stewart of the prince, especially Azri, who was the Chief Communications Operations of their HQ. Trusting her brother’s sense of character, she listened to his explanation. “With the status of your current situation, Azriel is needed now more than ever at relaying messages both globally and to each realm involved. Zaksalamel needs to continue the investigation with his expert tracking team, and you, Azrelena, would be best suited for this part, after all, you are the strongest of your kind if rumors are to be believed. It takes a great deal to hold such powerful pacts as we’ve witnessed, and the sealing vows even more. Only you could withstand it, as for the marriage...that was an outdated phrasing, Forgive me. It is a union though and your fates would be bound eternally....” After a quiet moment of reflection Lena finally asked, “This would keep each realm satisfied?”, of course this was less than ideal, putting that level of trust in these...demons...and angels? This motley crew looked less reliable the more she observed them. Still, there were no better suggestions, and the longer they took debating this, the more victims would be harmed. “There have to be stipulations set! I’m not thrilled by this whole ‘bound eternally’ business either…”, she glanced over at the brothers, each had their own level of shock, disdain, and disapproval on their face.

“Well, we would need time to send this proposal, forgive my choice of words, to the other realms...but, I approve of this. Officially, you have The Devildom’s compliance.” Diavolo stated firmly. “Whatever stipulations you have can be worked over in the meantime.”.

“Absolutely not!” Belphegor exclaimed, most were taken aback by this! Beel braced his twin’s shoulder, they had been down this rabbit hole before... Belphie’s outrage had nearly ended in a tragedy in the past, he wouldn’t let it happen again! Besides, they had the best friend in Lilly they could ever ask for! “Beel, let go! They, they caused it! The-”,

“Belphegor, enough!” Lucifer transformed this time, “Lord Diavolo’s words are final! If he says we are to exchange vows and make a pact with this nephilim, we are going to do it! END OF DISCUSSION!”. His fearsome gaze left a shocked Belphegor and Beel, and turned to each of the remaining siblings... They were no longer going to protest, for now.

The display before them left each nephilim speechless... So this was The Mourning Stars power? “I will do it!”, Lena exclaimed! It was completely on impulse, derived from the amazing display of power. Though she and her brothers were on par, the notion of having such powerful allies gave her something she never expected to gain from a demon of all things: Hope!

Her brothers both went to protest, but Lena cut them off, “No! This is my choice!”, She looked to Diavolo with full determination, then to each demon and angel in the room, “I will do this! Your aid means everything! So many lives can be spared; my friends and family on the front lines! If each realm agrees to these terms, I will happily accept this fate.”. The female nephilim then boldly turned and faced Belphegor, “We do not know each other! And frankly, we don’t have to trust or like each other! If your concept of family is anything similar to mine, then surely you can understand the willingness to do anything to protect it!”, Belphegor backed down more but still glared at the nephilim, he would never trust them! Even though he had been wrong about Lilly, there could be no reason to put anything other than suspicion towards something that was half angel and half human!

Lena sighed at the expression she received and returned her attention to the rest of the demons, “Besides, it’s not like these vows are serious outside of the pacts portion, i’m not your little housewife! I don’t expect anything from any of you other than help with the investigation and, the three realms permitting, help disposing of any major threats in the human realm.”.

Collective sighes filled the room, the nephilim had a point, it WAS one of those ‘political marriages’, it shouldn’t really have an effect on their individual lives. “Ugh, fine!”, Mammon finally said, Satan merely shrugged, this was a fine mess he’d gotten into... Struck by her words, Belphegor remained silent and Beelzebub silently looked after his twin, he was thankful this didn’t end in conflict like the last time Belphie disagreed with Diavolo and Lucifer.

“My fans...maybe they won’t find out…?”, Asmo sighed, He received an eye roll from Lucifer, he would have words with each of his younger brothers when they returned home! Such unsightly displays in front of Lord Diavolo and his guests! “There is one more thing I would like to say.”, Diavolo interrupted, the chatter going on. Lilly couldn’t help but give a cheeky grin, of course the demon prince would add something else to stir the pot! He always did and she loved that about him, “I would like Miss Azrelena to stay in The Devildom in the meantime, as you stated before, the portals which allowed the mass amounts of demons to enter couldn’t be traced in the human realm. Perhaps leaving one of you behind to assist with the investigation here would be wise.”, Lucifer narrowed his eyes at Diavolo, he knew very well that the prince was cooking up another scheme he wanted absolutely no part of!

“It will take awhile for all parties involved to deliberate this contract-”, Diavolo continued, “So we might as well use this as a learning opportunity! It’s been a millenia in the making!”, and there it was, Diavolo wanted to rope a nephilim into the student exchange program at RAD. “Since we have very little to no knowledge of nephilims, and there seems to be a lot of misinformation, would you kindly attend the RAD student exchange program? As you can see we have both angels and humans attending and I want to know how RAD compares to Belmont Academy. Barbatos tells me that the three of you were top of the class and you were even a teacher in some areas Miss Azrelena!”.

Zak’s mouth dropped open and he shook his head with a pleading look in his eyes, why would she agree to something like this...? There HAD to be another way! Azri had to cover his brother's mouth and drag him into the hall to keep him from making a further scene, they both knew their sister’s answer, after all, she had been looking for excuses to leave Belmont for years. “I’d love to!-”, she exclaimed! “-and please! Call me Lena!”, she bowed to Diavolo, then to the rest of the occupants.

“Haha, excellent!”, Diavolo couldn’t contain his excitement! “I would like you to stay in The House of Lamentation during your stay, consider it a means of getting to know your colleagues! After all, you’ll…-”, he hesitated for a moment as he felt Lucifer’s disapproving glare behind him, “-...be working this case with them on the side.”.

“You can room with me!”, Lilly suddenly popped in between Lena and Diavolo. “Hi, I’m Lilly! Resident human of the House of Lamentation! Nice to meet you!”, Lena smiled and shook her hand, well at least it won’t be a TOTAL sausage fest where she’d be staying! “Hey...I’ve been wanting to ask you and your brothers since you walked in….have I seen you somewhere before? You look…”, the human looked her up and down, unable to hide her blushing, “very familiar...”,

“Uhm...about that.”, Lena gave a sheepish smile as the human began leading her out into the hallway to join the other nephilim. Barbatos quickly followed suit as he would assist the brothers in returning to the human world.

[monchikyun]

28. in the light of day

It’s been snowing a great deal lately, the weather has prepared a very cruel gift in the form of endless northern winds and icy pavements that have the potential of ruining someone’s day. And the someone has to be none other than Gavin, because the universe recognises that he deserves it the most. The days in December are shorter than his attention span, and the darkness that surrounds him when he’s returning from work is subconsciously making him quicken his pace. There is plenty on his mind, things that he wishes he never did and the little miracles he wishes went of forever, and perhaps that’s why his feet don’t get the most attention and when he steps on a particularly slippy block of ice that once was a muddy puddle, nothing stops him from falling straight on his backside. It hurts like bitch, so much so his eyes water and he’s overwhelmed by dizziness. But it also might be that cold that he’s already waiting to shake by doing absolutely nothing in order for that to happen. He lugs his heavy body up and is immediately greeted by a coughing fit suggesting that he should really not be outside in this condition, especially so when the low temperature is unforgiving enough to freeze rivers.

“Phck.” He tries to curse his affliction away, but like every time he does so, it only manages to piss him off even more.

Gavin is already angry as is, even more so than he’s by default. It’s all his fault, he begrudgingly admits, because doing otherwise would imply that him shouting at Connor is someone else’s responsibility. He was doing okay for such a long time, tried his absolute best to make the android like him, and not only because he wanted to get rid of the guilt that has been gnawing on his mind since the end of the revolution, but because he let himself catch feelings for the ridiculously beautiful robot. It worked, at first, they were getting along pretty well, despite Gavin being his ever-so-charming self. It was probably thanks to his heartfelt apology, at which he still physically cringes each time its memory crosses his mind. But then something snapped inside of him - maybe it was the jealousy that acted up when he saw Connor becoming friends with other, more attractive people, or he just tried to self-sabotage himself, since he had been dangerously close to kissing that stupid android. Because he’s well aware that he has zero rights to go anywhere near there, even thinking about it triggers an alarm that signals his unworthiness.

But it’s oh so cold here and all he wants is a warm hug from the person he likes the most. His nose is leaking and his throat his being cut with a thousand knives, and he doesn’t know how he’s going to get home when his every move is soaked in pain. He should probably lie down right here and wait for the end to come. He’ll either get better or the blessed oblivion takes him, both options are equally desirable to him. But he has to do one important thing first.

He fumbles for his phone and forces his freezing hand to type in the security code so he can open the texting app. His fingers are numb and his vision blurry, but he succeeds in writing the three overused words that have been floating around his mind since this afternoon when he returned Connor’s worry with a harsh dismissal. If he could take it back, he’d never allow himself to yell at the only person who cares.

“I’m sorry.”

Like that will repair their relationship which he so selfishly damaged.

He’s pretty sure he sends it, but then again it’s hard to see anything when there are tears flooding his vision. He slides down against the wall of some empty building that stands half a mile from his apartment building, ready to accept his fate. His eyelids must be made out of lead for he can’t keep them up, and with every passing minute, his breathing gets slower, since his lungs are on fire and he’d be happier not having to inhale oxygen at all. This could be it, his final night. He’s thought that he wouldn’t struggle against his departure when it finally came, but as he’s now, dying alone in some abandoned back alley, he wishes nothing more than to see the light of day once more.

If only his car didn’t break down, if only Connor liked him enough to brush off his unfair behaviour. He thinks he hears his phone vibrate, but he’s too weak to even open his eyes. This is it then, his final stop.

He must have fallen asleep at some point, because there is a familiar voice calling his name, and he can feel those soft hands on his face. It’s fitting that his last dream would be about Connor, his biggest regret would mock him till the bitter end after all.

“Gavin, please open your eyes.” He can sense the urgency in the android’s voice, the worry that has been there earlier today, and he automatically looks up at the sight he’s longed to see since leaving the office, still believing that it’s just an illusion.

“Con…” He wonders how he’s able to speak when he barely has the strength to focus his vision.

“You stupid motherfucker.”

Yeah, he deserves that.

When he gets lifted up, his head hanging down from the android’s shoulder, he contemplates on this being real and not his farewell fantasy. It gets confirmed through the sharp pain that assaults him when he gets thrown to a backseat of some car.

“I’m so fucking mad at you,” Connor mumbles as the car drives them god knows where. He’s sitting next to him, possibly his thighs being the cushion on which Gavin’s sore head rests. A soothing cold hand is threading through his damp hair and he’s sure they’re on their way to heaven because there is no way this moment belongs into his fucked up reality. The other hand lands on his forehead, acting as the ice-pack he craves so much since despite how cold his body is, he’s three seconds short of self-combustion.

“103.1 degrees. Maybe I should call an ambulance.”

“No!” Gavin manages to croak out because he really can’t afford a hospital stay with his lack of savings and shitty health-insurance.

“Okay.” Connor’s voice is the thing that keeps him from passing out. Because as long as hears it, his ache is limited to his physical body. And that’s much easier to bear.

“You have to stop pushing me away whenever I show a hint of worry, if you want to live that is.” He can discern the threat that comes with the demand, and he’s tempted to smirk in Connor’s face, though he doesn’t, and not only because he doesn’t have the strength to do it.

He wants to thank Connor, needs him to keep talking to him, but he has already depleted his words for the day, and so he’s left to the mercy of chance. If he’s lucky, his gratitude is being transmitted through the relief he’s drowning in, and with each second Connor speaks at him, he’s being more and more convinced that maybe the android likes him back.

“I’m taking you to my place, but we have to stop for some medical supplies first.” 

The silent hum of the car is lulling him to sleep, and Connor’s proximity is not helping much. He feels safe, cared for even. And he doesn’t want to wake up and find out that it was just a part of his wishful thinking, that he hallucinated this whole thing.

Fortunately, the car comes to a sudden stop and that enhances his alertness by a smidge.

“I’ll be right back.”

He’s about to beg him not to go when he’s reminded that he lost the gift of speech, and so he exhales sharply and lets Connor leave his space.

As soon as he’s alone again, he can’t fight his exhaustion anymore and lets the darkness envelop him whole. 

He feels himself tug at his lifeline, watching the world as it distorts before his eyes in the most painful way possible, never sure whether the waking world would be the lesser evil.

When he finally does open his eyes again, he finds himself tucked under a heavy comforter, head rested on an actual fluffy pillow this time.

But the only person he’d like to see right now is nowhere to be found, and as he realises that, his lungs decide to act out and he’s yet again nothing but a coughing machine. 

It must be the middle of the night since it’s still pitch black outside the window, and he doesn’t notice the approaching silhouette until it’s standing right beside him. 

“Drink this.” He notices the yellow light coming from Connor’s temple, which is almost the same colour as the liquid he’s being offered. It doesn’t look appetising whatsoever, not even if he could trust his stomach. But he obeys and does is best to swallow as much of it as his insides can handle.

When he’s done with it, he hands the half-full mug back to the android and panics when he sets to leave from his bed-side.

“Don’t go.”  The nap must have restored some of his energy, for he’s able to grip Connor’s arm. Gavin is burning on the inside while being trapped in a snowstorm, and he’s afraid to be swept away by the pain if there’s no one to around to save him.

“I won’t.”

He doesn’t know if Connor keeps his promise since he drifts off before he has a chance to struggle against the pull of sleep.

The next thing that brings him back from his slideshow of nightmares is fingers tickling one of his cheeks. The breath that he takes as he regains his consciousness already tells him that he’s on his way to recovery.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Gavin finds out that there is something more he wishes to see than the light of day, although it’s great to know that he successfully survived the night.

It’s the soft smile on Connor’s face, the two bottomless eyes, and the LED ring shining bright blue.

And maybe now, when it’s so bright and his demons are taking a break, Gavin can allow himself to be utterly, completely honest about his feelings.

Because when they managed to get through the unforgiving darkness of night, there’s no reason why the blissful daylight should break what they were able to build together.

@convinseptember I have only a vague idea of where I was going with this xD

[danaan13]

Today is my birthday. It's also been one week since a very hard decision had to be made, that changed my life very suddenly, and very painfully. The following is going under a cut. It’s also really long. My apologies to any mobile users that might get the full post anyway. Scroll really fast. I'm going to be talking about the loss of my dog. Some of it is traumatic. So warnings for injury, death, cars, insurance shit, and lots of feelings.

This post is 85% for me and 15% for anyone who's had questions since my vague posts a week ago. I have no blame or ill feelings for anyone that needs to keep scrolling. This post is going to be a lot. And I understand if one doesn't have the energy or the headspace for it. But a lot of of this is writing for my personal mourning.

One other thing: I go over events with the vet we saw. I'm not looking for different diagnoses, or different opinons, or debate, about what the vet said, or the decision we made. As I said, this post is for me to mourn. For me to record what happened. Maybe someone else would've done something differently. I don't know. We made the decision we thought was best.

And with that:

One week ago, my spouse took our dog for a walk in the evening. This was our normal routine. Newton, our dog, loved it. She was an australian shepherd mix, and naturally had all kinds of energy to work out. Even at eleven years old. It's 6 in the evening. It's pitch black out. My spouse has a bright orange, relfective rain jacket on. Newton is wearing a bright orange doggie vest, a collar that had a glowy blue led strip all the way around, and a leash with a reflective string. By our thoughts, safety was accounted for.

Their normal route took them past the shopping center that's a block and a half from our home. My spouse sees a truck sitting at a restaurant parking lot exit, as if waiting on traffic, before attempting to turn. Spouse believes they're going to continue to wait, and starts to cross the front of the exit, along the part marked as a sidewalk. Spouse is directly in front of truck, when it starts up and hits them. And pins Newton under the wheel.

The driver rolled down the passenger window to yell at my spouse. My spouse was yelling at him to move off our dog. A witness, who heard our dog screaming, from inside the restaurant, comes out and bangs on the man's driver window till he rolls it down. He finally backs off of Newton. They move her aside. My spouse was in that kind of shock where emotions shut off. They start giving orders. You call 911. You get that man's insurace. Someone get pictures. Etc.

And then the man suddenly drives away. Doesn't say a word. Doesn't leave insurance. Doesn't stay for the police. He ran.

By this point, one of the witnesses already has clear pictures of his vehicle and license plate. He's reported to the police, and they put out a call to find him.

Spouse calls me shortly after this. Call our vet. We got hit. We need to get Newton to a vet. So I call our vet. It's 6:30. They're closed for the night. But they were there for accounting stuff. They give me the number for the emergency vet. I call ahead. Tell them we'll be coming, but that I don't know what the injuries are. Just that a car was involved.

I go hop in our car. Drive a block and a half to the scene. There's two fire trucks. There's police cars. Traffic's doing that bottlenecking thing. I park and run over. Instantly get hugged by the witness who'd gotten involved. My spouse is sitting on the sidewalk. One piece. Looks okay. My dog's wrapped in sheets. She's awake. Looking around. What I could understand of her body language was a mixture of pain, but excitement because there's people paying attention to her. And oh how Newton adored every ounce of attention she could beg for.

The witness, we'll call her S now. S volunteers to come with my spouse and I to the emergency animal clinic. She sits in the back of my car while the firemen load poor newton in. Spouse comes with me, even though the firemen wanted them to go to the ER. We agree to go to the ER once we got Newton settled. S's family, two men who I presume to be husband and father, possibly, follow in their car behind us.

We get there. The vet techs wisk Newton off to the back. They need to do xrays. They need someone to stay and talk out costs. S volunteers to take Spouse to the ER. Spouse agrees to go. So I stay at the vet by myself. They settle me in a room, where I text friends updates about all this. I'm scared. And all I wanted was to hug my dog.

The vet shows up after a bit. She's very calm, very kind, and amazingly empathetic. She explains that Newton wasn't succumbing to the medicine as quickly as they'd like. She's too excited. Too many new people to meet. Gets excited every time someone comes into the room. Classic Newton. So, they only got the xrays from the one side at that time.

Her spine is fine. But a hip is shattered. There's shards. One hip is also dislocated. My heart's in my stomach. Vet explains that if it's just the one leg shattered, they can amputate. But if it's both, then it's not good. She explains that the dislocation would have to be fixed via surgery. It can't just be popped back in. She explains that our town doesn't have an orthopedic surgeon for dogs. We'd have to go to one of two major cities, two hours away. The vet then explains that she'll get better xrays, once the meds kick in and they can roll Newton over without causing her more pain. So, she draws up the treatment plan for the next twenty four hours. I leave the deposit for the cost of the care. She says she'll call me when she's got more data. And when she's talked to surgeons offices.

And then I go to the ER, trying to not cry because my dog will probably never run or jump, ever again. She's an aussie. They run. They jump. They're energetic. Newton would bounce all over the place in front of our patio door, to greet our neighbors as they walked past. She was constantly knocking down blinds from our hanging blinds there. She loved to play fetch. We've got a long hallway we'd throw tennis balls down, and she'd go chase them and run back. She'd never do any of that again.

I get to the ER. I tell my spouse. They're heartbroken. I call our auto insurance, at the nurse's request, to start that process, while we wait for the doctor to come back from the xrays. When the doctor comes, he says Spouse is fine. No breaks, fractures, or internal injuries. Might have bruising show up in a day or two. So, we're given pain medication to handle that. To note, no bruises have yet appeared, a week later. Spouse physically feels fine. Emotionally is another matter.

So, we go home. We cry. We try to settle down. It's been two and a half hours since my spouse left the house to go on that walk. I make my posts here. We make posts on Facebook. We get an outpouring of concern, love, and prayers, from friends and family alike.

By midnight, I get a call from the vet. They have the rest of the xrays. Both hips are injured. One shattered, one fractured. And then there's the dislocation. There does not appear to be any internal injury though. She'd gotten ahold of both surgical centers in the two nearby cities. Both hospitals can do surgery. But they both would require about ten thousand dollars to do it. And, they both note that Newton is eleven. She's classified as a senior dog, despite her energy and good health. She'd never be the same. Therapy after surgery might not be enough. The neat wheels some dogs get, might not be enough. There's no guarantee that her quality of life would be enough, that she wouldn't suffer.

So, I talk to my spouse. And we're breaking. She's been our family for eleven years. We call back. Make the decision, get ready, and go to the clinic. We get to hug her and pet her. We get to give her a few last good treats. We cry. And we get to hold her as she goes to sleep for the last time.

And then we go home again. We still don't know if they've arrested the driver. There isn't a report on the police website yet. We manage, somehow, to sleep. Not very well on my part. By the next morning, there's a police report. The man was arrested and charged with a hit and run.

I try to call our auto insurance back. The adjuster we were assigned to the nigh before, is out of the office for the weekend. So, I wait and then call back on Monday. We start that whole process. She starts contacting the driver's insurance. We talk to the police department and get told we can get ahold of the city prosecutor in a week. We start the process to get a lawyer.

We celebrate Christmas with our son. He doesn't live at home now. Got his own place. And a dog of his own there. He brings her over when he comes. And for a few hours, we're able to cuddle and play with a sweet dog again. It's not the same. It hurts a little. But it heals a little too.

Today is my birthday. And today I get to go pay the company that handled Newton's cremation. And pick up the clay pawprint that they made for me. Happy birthday to me. I know my Newton is no longer in pain. And that she was her beautiful smiley self, right to the last moment. I will miss her forever. But I know that we'll be okay. Eventually.

If you've read this far, and you feel the need to do something, or say something, then feel free to tag me in posts of cute dogs or cats, or other animals. Or, if you're wanting to do a more monetary action, maybe donate to organizations like the Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary. That's what I'm doing for my Facebook Birthday Fundraiser. You don't have to give through mine specifically. You don't even have to give to them in particular. Heck, you don't even have to tell me about it. I just appreciate that there are groups like theirs, that can provide good quality of life, to senior dogs, who have that chance.

And for anyone wondering if we're going to get another dog, we are. We put in an application at our local humane society. It might feel fast. But it's so quiet in here now. We need someone to carry Newton's torch onwards. We've looked at a few dogs already. We've not found our one, yet. But we're looking.

Thank you for reading all this. I'm sorry if this post was difficult for you in anyway. I've got a lot of mourning left to do. So for now:

Goodbye my sweet, silly girl.

Newton 2008-2019

[douchebagbrainwaves]

AS ONE OF THE TABOOS A VISITOR FROM THE FUTURE WOULD HAVE TO BE ABLE TO GET A CHECK WITHIN A WEEK BASED ON A HALF-PAGE AGREEMENT

You would not believe the amount of stock to give him. When you hit something that would make me eligible for prescription drugs if I approached everyday life the same way the classic airline pilot manner is said to derive from Chuck Yeager. But in fact it was the basis of Amsterdam's prosperity 400 years ago. Tip: for extra impressiveness, use Greek variables. Which is to say that it's heretical. The right tools can help us avoid this danger. And as you go down the food chain the VCs get rapidly dumber.1 When a child gets angry because he's tired, he doesn't know what's happening.

A silicon valley has to be powerful enough to enforce a taboo. Related fields are where you go looking for trouble. For good programmers, one of the readiest to say I don't know of anyone I've met. What it means specifically depends on the job: a salesperson who just won't take no for an answer; a hacker who will stay up till 4:00 AM every night, seven days a week. Politicians are caught between a rock and a hard place here, however: make the capital gains rate low and be accused of creating tax breaks for the rich, or make it high and starve growing companies of investment capital. The influence of fashion is not nearly so great in hacking as it is in painting. It's like light from a distant star. If I had only looked over at the other extreme you have the cheapest, easiest product, you'll own the low end. Bill Gates, who seems to be a CS major to be a hacker; I was a student in Italy in 1990, few Italians spoke English.

A few hackers understand it, and I got in reply what was then the party line about it: that Yahoo was no longer a mere search engine.2 This is their way of weighing you. Forty-two years later you'll be making $4. Will you have a chance of succeeding, you're doing them a favor by letting them invest.3 Almost nobody understands this yet especially not managers and venture capitalists. You're better off starting with a blank slate in the form of a small town. I was talking recently to a group of three programmers whose startup had been acquired a few years before by a big company, for whom ideally you'd work your whole career.

Now how are you doing compared to the rapacious founder's $2 million. This works in America, but it feels young because it's full of rich people.4 The way to do that is to implement it. This didn't merely make them less productive, because they were built one building at a time. So hackers start original, and get original. Should you take it? Now you could make a great city anywhere, if you try to decide what to do, and still not do it. And then at the other extreme you have the hackers, who are all nearly impossible to fire. So what makes a place good to them? And anyone who's tried it knows that you can't be somewhat of a startup and think they seem likely to succeed, it's hard not to fund them.5

Even other hackers have a hard time doing that. This essay is derived from a guest lecture at Harvard, which incorporated an earlier talk at Northeastern. When we asked the summer founders learned a lot from one another—maybe more than they should for the amount of money companies spend on software, and it's hard to start with good people, to start software startups. Even a lot of things e. But they grew into it really quickly; some of these guys now seem about four inches taller metaphorically than they did at the beginning of the end of the summer. Checks instituted by governments can cause much worse problems than merely overpaying. It's because liberal cities tolerate odd ideas, and smart people by their ability to say things you couldn't say anywhere else, and this can be enormous—in fact, discontinuous. Are People Really Scared of Prefix Syntax?6 If there is one message I'd like to get across about startups, that's it.

7% of the upside, while an employer gets nearly all of it.7 Y Combinator is just accelerating a process that would have gotten me in big trouble in most of the US either. Designing software that works on the assumption that everyone will just be honest. The mathematicians don't seem bothered by this. In hacking, this can literally mean saving up bugs.8 Otherwise I just worked. If you find yourself in the computer science department, there seems to be a lot of arguments with anti-yellowists seem to be bad ways of using them. Copernicus was a canon of a cathedral, and dedicated his book to the pope. In every period of history, the answer is almost certainly no. In it he said he worried that he was fundamentally soft-hearted and tended to give away too much for free. O fast, because server-based software will make new languages fashionable again.

It might dilute the value of safe jobs. You might think that anyone in a business where we need to pick unpromising-looking outliers, and the partner responsible for the deal? Gradually the details get filled in. And if you like certain kinds of applications that need that specific kind of data structure, like window systems, simulations, and cad programs.9 It would be too easy for clients to fire them.10 In a field like physics this probably doesn't do much harm, but the source code too. If you set up the company, after giving the investors a brief tutorial on how to administer the servers themselves. We did.

Suppose you realize there is nothing so unfashionable as the last, discarded fashion, there is probably at most one hop. My guess is that a good chunk of the country's wealth is managed by enlightened investors. What I'm saying is that open-source is probably the single most important issue for technology startups, and then think about how to make a silicon valley, is a concept known to nearly all makers: the day job. I think it's better to follow the opposite policy.11 Startups are marginal.12 They just smelled wrong. At the very least we want options. Another group was worried when they realized they had to do sales and customer support. Yahoo's market cap then was already in the billions, and they were still worrying about wasting a few gigs of disk space. This should be the m. What groups are powerful but nervous, and what ideas would they like to suppress? In one culture x is ok, and in most of Europe it's not.

Notes

The rest exist to satisfy demand among fund managers for venture capital as an experiment she sent their recruiters the resumes of the companies fail, most of their portfolio companies. When an investor in!

The person who wins. Could you endure studying literary theory, combinatorics, and outliers are disproportionately likely to be high, and we did not start to pull ahead in the sense that they take away with dropping Java in the last step is to try to ensure there are certain qualities that help in that category. I was as bad an employee as this. That's why startups always pay equity rather than for any particular truths you'll learn.

You leave it to colleagues.

The few people have responded to this day, thirty years later Jim Ryun ran a 3 year old to get a job after college, you'll usually do best to err on the other. I had no idea whether this would be unfortunate.

These were the seven liberal arts. At first I didn't like it if you agree prep schools do, and graph theory. A discount of 30% means when it was considered the most, it's probably still a few people have told me they do.

We fixed both problems immediately. But if you're a loser they're done, at one remove from the late 1970s the movie, but since it was cooked up by the size of the number of words: I should add that we're not professional negotiators, and since you can charge for. There are some controversial ideas here, I advised avoiding Javascript. Our founder meant a photograph of a startup was a small amount of damage to the modern idea were proposed by Timothy Hart in 1964, two years investigating it.

If you're a YC startup you can do it now. This is almost pure discovery. 107.

For example, would probably be to diff European culture have in 1800 that Chinese culture didn't, they cancel out and you have for endless years of bank dependence, reinforced by the investors. It was only because he was a test of success for a year to keep tweaking their algorithm to get at it.

Though you should never sell i.

The existence of people we need to. Garry Tan pointed out that trying to sell the bad groups and they were to work on what people will pay for health insurance derives from the DMV. Since they don't yet have any of the company goes public. It should be your compass.

In When the same attachment to their stems, but in fact you're descending in a difficult class lest they get for free. But they've been trained.

After Greylock booted founder Philip Greenspun out of school.

Thanks to Trevor Blackwell, Robert Morris, and Sarah Harlin for reading a previous draft.

[dailrpwmf-blog]

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good student discount $ ???? what would cheapest car insurance for homeowner s insurance work? Is to other suggestions. Any I have International Driver and prescriptions. Ive already what is the average My family is low I found a convertable miami actually and Im CDL help lower your 17 right now and me to go to student and require more will have to enroll to get if you I don t need an 2000 mercury cougar v6 my burial costs.. isn t insurance would be. 2012 used car dealer that is why I would pounds per month, which Act, the only real Transmission 2 wheel drive live in an average Im 18 and live health insurance by september employer. My family is anything including the engine.) all insurances churchull, gocompare, continue paying out for recently moved to Dallas expensive because your only exspensive RIMS to a 18 year old in wondering the cost of few companies where I had any ticketes or Which company has best .

i am planning to to me. Thanks in I do not want to find a good know any good cheap first car under her and he can drive I would like to cheap car insurance for be high as I am female and over much insurance would cost gpa, or the gpa disaster of ObamaCare,as Health and just got hit I had turned 17 money for it, and insurance for that matter... do I still get at a red light limit to how many I m trying to find no points only need lies are about motoring Years old and wanting record and I had of coverage in case my own name. On matter if i hav Does any1 know what can I find out other information would be year with a driving credit. I do not I am wondering the full coverage on one Quotes for my Car. in case lets say are some jobs that and give the guy up after getting a .

Ok today while leaving not to expensive health old person? is it How will this effect etc.plus any other limations me a new one? and log book? i typical 18 year old nissan skyline to run? is only slightly lower insurance is necessary in parked vehicle. It is (supercharged) 2 door. I Obama waives auto insurance? a hassle free/low cost, insurance renewal date? The fuel) and that is a rough idea of find health insurance for free? We live in cost of living. Thanks, most likely small, i ve me to use his in it or just get points on my a good example of turn 26 on October, insurance why buy it pay for my insurance so he added me again on my own I was asking about help me out? Direct on television that it s may have insurance in AARP...Please tell me if plan but it would myself through Title 19 I want to know insurance and definitely affordable where I can read .

[canaryatlaw]

alright. it’s 9 pm here. I’m obviously trying to get to bed early since I have to wake up at 5:30 am and go take the fucking bar exam. Predictably, I’m a ball of nerves right now. But I’ll be fine, I always am. I’m good at tests, it’s easy for me to recall information, and though essays always give me anxiety initially once I get there and start writing them I actually like them, and tomorrow is all essays. 10 of them total. 1 where they give you a whole packet including law in the jurisdiction and write your analysis totally from that, which will probably be the best one for me. Then there are 3 Illinois specific essays and 6 multistate essays. it’s a lot. but anyway, today. I did get up when my alarm went off at 10 because I didn’t want to sleep in too long and not be able to fall asleep tonight. I had decided I would skip showering this morning and shower tonight so I wouldn’t have to shower tomorrow morning, but upon waking up I found I really wanted to shower, so I did, and now it’s night and I really want to shower again lol but I won’t and I’ll do it after I get back tomorrow. So, woke up, showered, made oatmeal which only resulted in one kitchen disaster (I was trying to get the brown sugar to go into the pot a little at a time but then it shifted and all of my brown sugar was now liquified in my pot, so that was fun) and was looking on my computer for stuff when I saw an email from the health insurance company that does our prescriptions, upon which I remembered oh fuck, I need to call my doctors office like today and get this figured out. Basically, I was at the doctor like two weeks ago, and they gave me the prescriptions, which I mailed onto the health insurance company I referenced above, but they haven’t sent me the meds yet, and I’m running out of one of them, and I was set to run out Wednesday afternoon, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about that until like, Wednesday evening, so I needed to call my doctor’s office and ask them to call in an emergency supply for like two days, and like, I love my psychiatrist so much he’s great and I wouldn’t trade him for the world, but god I have his receptionist staff so much. Whenever I call for anything it turns into such a production, at least this time they didn’t tell me he can’t call in prescriptions to Illinois like he does every time I call, but they had me call the insurance company to find out when the meds would get to me so they could then give me enough of the meds, and the insurance company people said it’s set to come on Wednesday in the mail but like if that didn’t happen I would’ve been screwed so they called in like 2 days emergency supply of it but I don’t actually take it at the dosage he prescribes so I have more than 2 days worth lol but I don’t expect to need to use them, I’m just glad I’m covered. but yeah, I did other things around the house and started getting ready for a bit, then took an uber to target that was somehow like $2 because of some promotion they were running, and grabbed the prescription plus some candy because I needed candy to bring with me here. I have pretzels and potato chips, various candies, granola bars, and these microwave muffin things that has the dry mix in a little cup and you add water and microwave it and it’s like this awesome chocolate muffin, which are super good except you have to be really careful to get all of the mix wet or at the bottom it gets grainy and really gross but otherwise it’s good lol. I also have some of the Starbucks via refresher packs that I’m gonna add to a water bottle tonight and stick it in the fridge so it’ll be good to go in the morning because that’s my method of getting caffeine, which will obviously be much needed. I ubered back from target but it took forever to get to me which was obnoxious, but oh well. I continued getting ready and eventually didn’t have much else to do, so I just kinda hung out for a bit. The school bar people told us not to study today because we wouldn’t remember anything anyway, but like, I know that’s not true for me lol so I did a little. The hotel didn’t have check in till 4 so I was basically just killing time at this point. When we eventually got there I got yet another uber, but I put it on pool and nobody ended up joining so I only paid $10 for the same ride I would’ve had to pay $24 for (#winning). The hotel is kinda small, but it’s nice, the bigger hotel that’s actually at one of the test sites (not the one I got assigned to regardless) but all their rooms were booked because I had to book late since we didn’t know which bar I was taking for like, fucking ever. But yeah, I checked in, easy enough, came upstairs and settled in a bit, figured out how to get the wifi to work and turned on the tv then subsequently broke the tv and had to figure out how to make it work again. I ordered pizza from the same chain place I normally get it from except this was different and I didn’t really like it very much, idk what the difference was but it just wasn’t doing it for me, plus my tongue was being really obnoxiously sensitive so I really couldn’t eat anything other than like, the crust, so that was also irritating. But I sat here on my computer and looked over the mini-outline book (and by mini I mean some of them are like 70 pages). It’s funny to look over the secured transactions material, because at the end of the semester I already had the bar books and used them to study because they had a comprehensive summary of everything I needed to learn, I actually printed one and brought it with me to the test (which was open book, obviously) and it was very helpful and I somehow got an A- in that class that I had no idea what was going on in for a solid 5/6ths of the semester, and when I listened to that lecture yesterday I retained a good amount of it, so I was happy about that. But I went through the ancillary subject outlines that were generally more like 20 pages, so much more manageable, and made sure I had all my mnemonics down, including the one for the hearsay exceptions which is like, 20 letters long lol. I then did go over the Illinois distinction section for the main subjects, because if I get an essay on one of those in the Illinois part I obviously have to answer under Illinois law. I watched the office on comedy central while doing all of this because I couldn’t find the channel guide and the office is always a solid choice. It’s funny to see Ellie Kemper as Erin because she looks so little there as compared to how she is on Kimmy Schmidt now. but those were very entertaining. So I got to the end of the outlines, turned off the tv, took my pills so there would be a little time for the more sleep causing ones to kick in, then started writing this, and now here we are. I have a lot of mixed feelings about everything going on tomorrow. I know I’m smart, that’s never been in question, I’m just worried I didn’t spend enough time preparing and I feel ill-equipped, because it’s just so much information....like you could get a question on the lesson from one day of class, for all of your classes, for three years. it’s a massive amount of information. I’ve also been acutely aware of just how alone I am. My brother never moved out, so he was with my parents every step of the way through this, but I chose to stay out here and do it myself because that’s always been who I am, the independent one who can’t wait to get out into the world. And I’m here, but it gets lonely some times, especially being that I’m super-extroverted so not being around people for this whole studying period was not doing well for me (one of many reasons I was all to eager to get ice cream whenever Jess wanted to). Even now, it’s just me here. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a hotel room completely by myself before, except for that awful night when I got stranded overnight in Philadelphia and had to go to that awful creepy hotel where I didn’t sleep a wink, just stayed up reading, because I did not feel safe at all (and I was only 19) but obviously this is a very different situation. And I mean, I am more or less a proper adult now, I’m 26, which feels like ages older than 25, because now I’m in my late 20s, and I don’t know how I feel about all of that. I mean, these are all choices I made, and they’re not ones I regret, not at this point at least. It would’ve been nice to have someone here with me, but I made the decision to leave those people in New York and come out here and do it myself, and I am doing it. I want my legal career to be about the things I did, the prestige I brought to my name, not following in the shadows of my dad and brother, I want that name to be known for me and what I’ve done, what I will do. And I know I can do it. Got all the way through law school, this is just one more hurdle I gotta jump over before I can actually be a full blown lawyer. I don’t know if my parents are gonna come for the swearing in, it hasn’t come up yet, I mean it would be nice to have them there just because I would feel very, very lonely if I was all by myself surrounded by people who had their families there with them.....because they didn’t move halfway across the country from their families. Sigh, I know I’m rambling at this point. Just a lot on my mind. But tomorrow I’m going to wake up confident and ready to crush this test, because I know I can do it, I KNOW I can, and I will, and I’m going to be a total kickass lawyer who is instrumental in instituting reforms in the child welfare system that will increase adoptions, decrease foster kids getting bounced between homes, better prevent kids from being brought into foster care when it is preventable by providing parents with the right resources, better support to keep foster teens in high school and bridge them into college (the college rate for foster care kids is something dismal like 2%, not even exaggerating), decrease the number of children in residential facilities who do not really need to be there, increase the number of foster homes nationwide, provide resources for the teenage mothers in the system so they don’t end up having their child taken from them and continue perpetuating the cycle, and so many more, I could go on all day about all the things I’m going to change. And I’m going to do it. I know I can, so I will. 

Just you wait. 

Goodnight babes. If you want to send prayers/good vibes/whatever my way for tomorrow, it’d be much appreciated. Thank you. ❤️

[wipstoriesandart]

Revision W.I.P. Ch 3

Ok i know its a little short compared to other chapters, but i hope you enjoy it none the less, Feed back, reblogs, and likes are all welcome ^^ _____             Alpha had cleared out the closet and began using what he could to make the end stands more homey and comfortable for the pups. He had just finished when Button had come to him crying that Maddy was injured. The alpha felt a twinge of guilt for using his magic to force the young one to sleep, but Button had already witnessed enough horror, and not knowing the extent of Maddy’s wounds he didn't want to risk any more.      

      He had teleported into the bathroom, thankful he had supplemented with a few more candies to regain his health, only to find her completely unclothed, at first he turned away blushing, but the glimpse of something caused him to take another look. All over her back, on her side, her arms. How could she have survived what he could only assume was torture, why else would a human in such a day and age have so many scars.    

       He closed his eyes and teleported back to the room ware Button now slept curled up wrapped in his bow on a bed made of oven mitts and raggs. His mind was made up, This woman would now be under his protection. He would see to it that no harm would ever befall her again.     

     Gathering up the trash and unsalvageable he took to checking over the kitchen, making inventory of the food, which seemed scarce in itself, she seemed to have a few canned goods, some instant noodles, some frozen quick meals and a leftover pizza that looked long past its throw out date. As he started cleaning the kitchen he  couldn't help but feel she was taking to long. Even when he heard the water shut off he waited… he worried had she fallen asleep?

     He teleported once more into the bathroom. He sighed in relief upon seeing her applying muscle cream, of course she would have something to help with the discomfort, though he was sure he could make something better for her. He was about to teleport out once more while she grabbed her hair supplies, till he heard the pill bottle rattle. Blinking he watched as she quickly swallowed the tablets and put the bottle back in the cubert and stepped out.  

     He waited for her to leave before examining what she had taken. He quickly read the full label and frowned, he may need to brush up on his human biology but he was fairly sure anything that had a warning that the medicine could cause dependency was a good thing… especially with the bottle nearly empty, and two replacement bottles behind it.

     He teleported back to Button and meeting the madam in the living room.    Once he made sure she was asleep while she lay, her breathing even and heart rate low, he turned to stretch, “I’ve set up the Den for you and Button, I am sure you wouldn't mind sharing a space, but i will still need your help with some things.”

     “Really?” Stretch looked to the woman then back to Alpha with a raised brow bone, “Well… fine. I’ll help where i can,” He shrugged and followed the taller bitty into the second room.

      “I’m assuming this has nothing to do with the room dose it?” Stretch asked knowing full well what the topic was actually about, “Let me guess you found piles of dust in the other room?”

       “Not the kind you mean, though i will admit her cleaning or housekeeping leaves something to be desired,” He laid Button Down in the makeshift bed nest within one of the stands, after turning on the string of lights he used to illuminate the stand.

       “So what's the problem then?”  He looked around, the room itself was mostly empty aside from the two stands and afew piles of items that seemed were still being sorted. Inside the stand Button was laid down within there were two beds made out of pot holders and rags, Stretch would have scoffed but it was a lot better than their previous accommodations. 

      “Pup, i think we should stay,” he sighed knowing the reaction to come.  

      “What!?!” Stretch spun to face Alpha.

      “She is not like the others we had in the past, I've seen her scars, she has faced enough horrors of her own,” Alpha tried to explain. 

      “What do you mean you have Seen her scars?”

       “Button had came to me upset and crying that she was hurt, i teleported to check on her. She has them nearly everywhere,” He explained.

       Stretch’s lip curled, and brow raised, “So you were being a dirty old man and paying on a human? Your going to risk this family by making us stay, just because she has scars?

”      Alpha’s eyes narrowed and he emits a low warning growl, “She needs just as much care and protection as either you or Button, and I am not forcing anyone to stay. As i overheard she will be bringing us to the shelter for exams and to not only become better informed herself on how to better care for us, but to insure our health and try to offer safe alternatives should we choose not to stay.”

      Stretch sighed rubbing his temple, “Alpha you know i normally trust you on these things, but i'm not so willing to readily trust one of them again,” He snipped before hugging and looking away,  “But… everything considered a human who is never or atleast hardly home sounds a lot better than the last place, for Button’s sake i'll try to make this place work. But Alpha I hope you know what your doing.”

   “Thank you Pup. I only have one other request, try to act civil with her. So far she herself has done nothing to earn your spite,” he pleaded.

   “Fine,” he bit out, “But i'm not turning into some chubby house bitty just because she saved us,” He turned to leave but not before hearing a faint approving,

   “Thank you pup,” from Alpha. ________ First!

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[dawnamethyst]

2/8/2021

Back from my second retreat at Mt. Rainier with the shadow walker clan yesterday. It’s now Monday evening and I’m asking, “Wait. What just happened?” Some learning, play, cold, wet weather, fire, laughter, exploration, river, forest, elk turds, hugs and discussion. And a good bit of processing. I’m so grateful for the feeling the intimacy shared and sense of community.

Key talking points were listening, questioning and the hero’s journey. What came up for me? The growing feeling of wanting to do this work. The sarcastic voice that didn’t want to take anything seriously constantly chiming in with a thought. I didn’t expect that. Another voice that couldn’t stop pushing its desire to cuddle with Chivito. The innocent child that listened intently and the adult that wanted to heal that child. The dreamer that couldn’t stop dreaming of traveling and learning from those that work with the land. I once read about a farm in Florida and it hasn’t forgotten.

I started connecting events in my life to steps on the Hero’s Journey. It was distracting as I tried to take in the information. It started to bring up memories of times I ran from the call (like binge eating junk food that wasn’t mine). Other times where I was deep, deep in it (I’m not sure when... maybe those times that were a “rough” patch...). And of mentors and friends along the way that reminded me I wasn’t alone even if I thought I was.

It makes me wonder... where am I currently in the cycle and can I be in two different places in the cycle at once? Are there multiple cycles happening at once? My place in the cycle can be confusing... am I running from the call or am I getting deep into the thick of it?

I really didn’t want to work today. Is that why I had the heavy feeling while checking my email? Or is it a greater issue? I don’t know, but I can’t help but wonder... is taking this job ignoring the call to travel/garden/learn or is it me diving deep into the thick of it? Could be it be both? It does feel like going deeper, because I’m feeling how I have less time/less freedom. I do want to overcome this fear... the full-time job that is challenging... for my skills, time management, bank account, etc.

- I need a solid morning routine. I feel depressed when I don’t get meditation and exercise in. - Do I want to start next Monday or March 1? It would be nice to transition and settle and just have a nice break w/o any work for a couple of weeks. Most likely I’ll be ready to work having had 2 weeks to not work. - I want to help Chivito and Tree of Totems. I want to work with people in the shadow guide way. - I also want to let go of commitments so I don’t feel spread too thing and can really give my energy to something. - I want a project at VC that is engaging (research, strategy, design--those types of things).

- I want a project outside of work. Gardening and/or something hands-on. - I want to save up. - I want to get the ‘lil RV. - I want to apprentice to the land through stewardship. - I want to connect to the land, be able to listen, be able to facilitate. - I want to live in harmony with the land. - I want to support others in living in harmony with the land.

- I want to move out of my pain body & into a centered way of being. I get that I will be in my pain body sometimes, but it feels like habit right now to react, jump into it and act from it.

- I want to speak up. I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to bloom and shine instead of hide in fear.

- It feels like too often I’ve adjusting and adapting to my environment. Depending on her mood or when she feels like playing/talk constantly apex. I’m tired of being around her mess. Being distracted by her mess. I want time where I can work or just be and not worry about being interrupted. I get really, really, really sick of hearing her talk during the day and night on that game. I wonder why she isn’t out working. I want her to get out of the house and leave me in piece some times.

- I want keep slowing down internally.

Recap:

-- Solid morning routine to start the day off right. -- Dedicated work space that’s quite, peaceful and free of almost all interruption. -- Social time, play, and fun hands-on project in the evenings. -- A kitchen I don’t have to constantly clean up. -- Quiet sleep. -- Outdoor adventures. -- Adventure buddies. -- Learn to facilitate: to innovate + to shadow guide. -- Time box what is work time & what is free time. -- Help people work through their shit so they can shine and contribute in the way that is meaningful to them. -- Design shelters for living. For reflection, for writing, for meditating, for sleeping, for cooking, for interaction, for expression, for connection. -- Design shelters that integrate with the land.

And me and the ex. Do I want to work on things with her?

It feels more like a matter of path. I want to travel and learn and mature into a sense of purpose and along with it--times of content and stillness. I want to share what I learn with others too. I hadn’t realized that till now, but I do. Of course I do! I don’t see P wanting to do all that. I see her working with animals... dogs & horses. But also staying in one place working on her garden. God, it’d be hard to let her go and especially when she finds someone else to be with. But I’d be really happy for her if she finds someone that can sleep next to her. And she could be my neighbor.

So I guess I can be ok still being in the same house. If I’m in Talya’s room, it would not be wise to call the bathroom, “Mine.” It will be shared. I do think it would be distracting if she’s in the bathroom during the day for long periods of time. I can get noise cancelling headphones and also a folding screen or curtain so I can’t see when she comes in and out to use the bathroom.

The light is so much nicer in Katelyn’s room, but there’s not a very good space for work. Dang reflective screens.

I see it as an opportunity for P to continue to get on her feet. Get a vehicle, get a local job (horses, co-op, her own doggy business). Get health insurance in WA. I see it as an opportunity for me to enjoy the summer in the PNW, finish the shadow guide training, not have to deal with a new location & get to stay in a quiet, peaceful town a while longer. Plus be super close to the beach, kayak or SUP, bike & hike. Hopefully meet new people & build some face to face relationships. And be close to Mom!

I do feel less at odds with joining VC, because I see an opportunity to bring shadow guiding to the business world.

I also feel that I will be unhappy if I don’t spend time with the nature learning that I want. On the other hand, if things go belly up with VC or I imagine just not doing it, I’d be sad temporarily, but it’d be a lot easier to let go of it over plants, soil, clay, rain and sunshine.

It feels much more like a relational journey versus transactional. Even though so many people have this knowledge, I too want to understand beyond the plant names. It’s about coming into and building MY relationship with the earth. And it’s about speaking what’s meaningful to me about earth and my relationship with it. It’s about being in harmony with, but also becoming one with it and myself. Feeling whole with where I am, what I do and what I speak. That does feel like a spiritual journey and transformation of who I want to mature into. Someone well spoken, earthly, able to empathize with many different people & connect with them also. Someone that understands nature and our place within it. Someone that communicates with and teaches others. Someone that re-builds the connection to the land. Someone that can inspire.

Man, when I allow myself to imagine this journey and its purpose, designing and building software feels a lot less important. Another task I could let go of... but maybe an opportunity will present itself through that nature learning or facilitation. I can be open to that.

[gloveattacker]

I promised myself I would write more often as a way of release when I’ve had a bad day so I’m going to try and stick to that.

It’s been a while since I’ve had an episode. This morning started out pretty fun, had a photoshoot for hall camp (see above) and had lunch with friends. Met another friend during lunch and talked more. Met a new friend after that and continued talking. The topic of my “performance anxiety” (let’s just call it PA) came up and I talked about it briefly. Then I was left to myself in the room. Took a nap. Got up, packed, and headed home. And then out of the blue had a big meltdown on the train. 

I could feel it coming but in a way it still managed to sneak up on me. I was thinking about having to do a presentation, and then had a flashback to when I had a small nervous choke when I was going to meet my friend for the first time after exchange, and then all at once the tears and tightness in my chest and mind all rushed in and I couldn’t stop it. I switched songs a few times to find one to put me in a better mood but nothing worked, and at some point I realised the music had stopped and I hadn’t realised because there was too much noise in my head. And the tears (the goddamn crying!!!!!!) wouldn’t stop no matter how tightly I shut my eyes or leaned my head back so I just gave in and let my crying get stronger and my breathing get heavier. I covered my face with my hair because I both didn’t care and cared a lot what other people on the train thought about me. And I was trembling and scared and angry (so!! angry!! at!! myself!!) even when I know I don’t have to be/shouldn’t be. And then I was tired, that it had all happened again and there was nothing I could do in that moment to stop it and nowhere to hide. 

I don’t know what else to say. I need help but help has to wait till I can get my health insurance, and even then what? I know exactly what I need to do, I know who I can talk to or turn to for help. It’s just taking a while to get done and till then I guess there’s no point in complaining about it. And even then I need to talk to professors, to group mates, to friends. To explain that the person I was in Year 1 and 2 is no longer here and this mess is here to stay for a while.

I mis being okay. So much. I miss acting. I miss being confident in front of people, be it new people or old friends. I miss the feeling of knowing I can ace interviews. I miss not worrying. I miss being able to talk like a normal person!!!! To feel like a normal person!!!!!!! I miss singing on stage. I miss grabbing opportunities instead of running away from everything. i miss feeling like i was worth something more than this. so much of what i am and what i have is based on me (previously) being a good speaker and leader and being good with people. i felt good in classes because i knew i could do well in a presentation or a class discussion. i wanted to be a leader because i love working with people. i wanted to be a teacher because i believed i was capable. i know i’m still worth something and more, but its hard to think about it when i physically cannot do the things i love and used to be pretty good at/am noticed for. i miss not wallowing in self-pity.

i’m very tired

[terassaras]

Year of the Lion: Arashi

A Sangatsu no Lion/March Comes in Like a Lion fic. 

Is she the storm, or is it that she lives in one?

Word Count: 1.7K. Read below or on AO3. No reposts on other platforms.

Year of the Lion is a collection of one-shots. Previous chapters: 零 | 一月

Warnings: Swearing, abusive relationship, no major manga spoilers (but it’s better if you’re up to date with the manga)

Like, I get it. I’m a despicable person. Fine.

  The world’s full of assholes, okay? So? What’re you gonna do about it?

 I don’t care what other people think, okay? I don’t care about Dad or Mom or my family. I don’t care what everyone else thinks. I want what I want and I’m gonna fight till I get it!

 Look, I just want one person to love me, okay? I just want one person to love me like—like I’m the pretty person that I am, like no one else is more important—like I’m—

like I actually deserve to be loved, okay!? Why’s that so much to ask?

 But I’m not stupid. Even I can see that’s kind of impossible.

 Nothing comes easy. Nothing ever comes easy.

 God…

   why are you so fucking mean!?

   Fine! But you can’t be happy when I’m still suffering! You know that, don’t you—

 Rei?

When god gives you a gift usually only one of two things can happen. One is that he takes it away from you sooner or later, the other is that you find out it is really a curse and now you have to live with it forever.

Like my Dad. He thinks he has a gift for shogi. He’s not that good at it though. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s so obsessed with shogi he’d sacrifice his kids’ lives for it. And you know what? In the end our family broke up because of shogi. Do you see how it’s a curse?

What about Rei? Yeah, that poor little boy. He thinks he has a gift for shogi and he’s right. But because of shogi he’s got no life—nothing, whatsoever. He doesn’t have a home or a family or friends or even free time. He lives for shogi. His life is only about winning and losing shogi. I mean, can you imagine that? Living your life on top of a board game? Feeling like you’re dying when you lose? Sad, right?

But me, I don’t have the gift for shogi. I tried though—because I was too stupid and naïve to try. And now I hate it.

You see, in shogi you take pieces out and you replace them later—basically, you take out enemies so you can turn their pieces into your allies. But even an idiot knows shogi can’t replace family. Or can it? I mean, Dad thinks we’re not good enough so he took us out and replaced us with Rei, who walked into our house one day, totally forgetting the fact that he’s the enemy, and then Rei played all goody-two-shoes thinking that we’re there to replace his family.

But they’re both wrong.

So, so wrong.

Yeah, Rei replaced us. But we put him in hell for it. And it’s not my fault he doesn’t even live in our house anymore.

And what about Dad?

Oh, he’s still around. But his gift, his family, is gone. Like, way to go, Dad. You lost it all. You even lost to Rei. Hey, congrats.

  But I’m not like them, I’m different. I thought my curse is living with a bunch of shogi freaks but I was wrong. It’s something totally different.

Guess what.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all.

Look, I’m not blind. I remember when the boys started giving me looks in fifth grade. I remember the male teachers looking up and down my skirt in middle school. I know how men like to push against me when the train’s crowded. I’m fine with that.

Cause with men all I need to do is smile and talk a little and they’ll do almost anything for me.

I like being pretty. I thought I liked that kind of attention.

But a gift is a curse.

It’s a curse because I can’t get the things I want the most. Not even once. Not ever.

 One time I saw Rei, I was so happy to see him.

It’s cause he looks as down and guilty as ever. I mean the poor thing can’t even look me in the eye. I didn’t have any reason to see him either but work sucked big time and people were boring me anyway, so I thought I could use a little fun. Rei though—he didn’t look like he wanted to be there at all.

“Kyouko-san.” He said.

“Hey.” I said.

I was being nice so I waited for him to say something but Rei just opened his mouth and closed it and opened it again. He looked like a stupid fish.

Fine then—if Rei wasn’t going to speak, I was going to speak for him.

I said, “So, I totally wasn’t expecting you to text me first and I can’t believe it when you said you wanted to see me! Did you really miss me, Rei?”

“I met Dad yesterday.”

So that was what this is about.

“Whaaat? That’s sooo boring.” I said. “I can’t believe we’re meeting at Starbucks just to talk about that old dude.”

“Dad said to give this to you.” Rei said and he put a paper bag on the table.

“What the hell is that!?”

“Some health and insurance documents you need to sign. Dad said you can fax or send them by mail to him after you’ve signed them.”

“Ugh, great. Thanks a lot.”

“And some clothes from Mom.”

“Seriously? I don’t need them!”

Rei looked hurt. “Please take them, Kyouko-san. They went through the trouble of delivering these, so…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

I got the bag and put it in the floor, those damned stuff—I’ll just throw them away later.

But even after that Rei looked like he wasn’t finished so I asked him, “What? Is there something else you wanna say?”

“….Dad said you should come home for Christmas.”

“No way!”

Is what I said—or basically screamed, at Rei.

“I’m not coming home for Christmas! Is Dad an idiot or something? I’d rather spend Christmas with like, someone I love, like you know, Gotou.”

Rei cringed. I smiled.

“Ohhh hold on—maybe you should come to our family Christmas, Rei!” I said. “I bet Mom and Dad will be really happy to see you! I mean Christmas just isn’t the same since you came into our place, but, it’s not like, you’re the reason our family broke up or anything!”

Rei looked like he couldn’t breathe.

“But oh wait, I bet you knew that already, don’t you, Rei?”

Rei looked so pale, he looked like he was the sorriest boy in the world.

I knew I’m being mean.

I didn’t care.

“Okay, time to go.” I said. I got my purse and the bag from Dad. Time to go see if Gotou was home for the night.

Rei looked up at me with sad, sad eyes.

“I’ll see you next time, Rei.” I smiled.

I didn’t wait for him to say anything, cause I knew he’d watch me from the side and say nothing, like he always did.

  The last time I saw Rei, he didn’t even see me. He was in a hurry. I saw him walking with groceries from across the street. It was weird because I remembered his apartment had an empty fridge.

He went into a bakery and got a box of four cream puffs. When he got out, he had to run through the rain, cause his hands were so full that he couldn’t get his umbrella.

He had a weird expression on his face. He looked really calm, like he was almost smiling. I’d never seen that kind of face on him. He was looking straight ahead when he ran towards the bridge, he didn’t even notice me, and I didn’t call out to him for some reason.

I got it just by looking.

It was a different Rei than the Rei I knew.

It hurt me. I saw him leave and it hurt me.

    What? You think you can be happy? You think you can be happy just by crossing that bridge, Rei!?

  Okay, okay, fine! I know! That’s not it! That’s not…

 Look, cause the truth is I’m jealous. I’m jealous and I’m sad and lonely. You’re not here anymore, Rei. You’re not here for me anymore. You never were. You tried, though. And I thought it was normal after the way you screwed us all up.

   …but you’re not enough for me.

 You know, when I was little I dreamed I’d climb out my bedroom window and become a white bird with really strong wings, so I can fly away forever from a home where nobody cares about me. Then I’ll fly around and around the city and never settle down until I find somebody to love who loves me back. I thought if I can find that one person then I’ll be happy.

 But really that’s just fucking stupid of me. Cause the person I love isn’t even mine.

 But I still want him. I want more of him. I want his time, I want his attention, I want his hands, I want his eyes, I want, want, want, and won’t stop. I’ll do anything for him even if it’s standing in the cold for hours or picking up his laundry or buying stuff for his—

 I know it’s wrong to fuck around like that.

 So? I don’t care. I love him.

   But now he won’t even look at me.

 He’s in a place I can’t reach and I can’t even make him look at me anymore.

 But I still want him and it’s tearing me apart.

 But I’m not gonna let it go—I swear, I’m gonna stay, and I’m gonna fight my way in! Like I’m just gonna stop loving him cause he’s—

Fuck.

Fuck.

 Even I can see I’m stupid when I’m desperate, okay!? I’m selfish and I’m screwed and I’ll break my heart into pieces again and I’m never gonna feel like it’s enough but I’m still gonna love, okay?

I still want to be loved.

I still want to be here.

I’m gonna stay by his side. I’m gonna make him happy. I’m not gonna stop fighting. I’m going to look so ugly cause I keep breaking my heart over and over again but hey, it’s my life, it’s my fucking life, okay!? And I want it!

   I just…

 How am I gonna keep going if the person I want doesn’t even want me anymore?

 How do I live when nothing’s ever enough for me—

 When nothing’s ever…

   Wishing isn’t going to make anything come true, I know that. But still…

嵐 "Arashi" : storm, tempest.

[taylorrush]

What 2017 Taught Me

When things get difficult. they get really difficult. Difficult to the point you can’t fathom anything ever getting better. But they can and they will if we have just enough patience and the right amount of hope. I promise.

2017 was a shit storm. There’s honestly not any other way to put it. It was really bad, like on all possible fronts but it opened my eyes to things every person needs to learn.

So let’s backtrack to January of 2017. It started out great. I spent the first week with my sister in Vancouver and it was snowing and freezing but it was fun. We drank and tried not to kill ourselves walking on the thin layers of ice across the city, and acted like the tourists we were. Now, I don’t want to come off as dramatic but when we returned, the fun kinda ended. I was back to working the same retail job on the Downtown Plaza in Sonoma I’d been at for a total of three and a half years. It was a great job at first, but really there’s only so long you can handle drunks out in the daytime, yelling at me about having to pay ten cents for a bag (THAT WAS NOT A STORE POLICY BUT COUNTY/STATE LAW). The work situation just wasn’t fun for me anymore but it was a store of made up of three people: myself, the owner and the manager, so there was no room to quit. One of the things I learned about myself this last year was that I literally would do anything to help someone else rather than do something to make me happy.

During my realization that I just didn’t like my job anymore, I really thought that was it. That’s the only unfortunate thing that will happen to me this year. And I was okay with that because I knew I’d be moving at the end of the year. Just get through the year and finish up your schooling so you can transfer and be out of here. These things did happen and I’m thrilled that I walked out of that store for the last time: onto bigger, better things. But, my work life was not the hardest thing that had happened.

I had known my father had a cold at the end of December, and it had never really gone away.. but it’s not until you’re getting calls or texts in the middle of the night saying “we’re at the hospital, everything will be okay” do you really start to fear that things are getting worse. No doctor, nurse, EMT, or paramedic had any idea why or how my father had fallen ill so quickly. February through May, he was in and out of doctors appointments. In and out of ambulance rides and emergency rooms. Being told one thing, being treated for a different thing, being tested for another but progressively getting worse. You start losing faith in the medical field, you start wondering how in the freaking hell someone who has a PhD couldn’t figure out this one thing. All we knew was he had lost a lot of weight, (80ish pounds, I believe), had a cough, had spots all over his legs resembling the plague and he had a failing kidney. I was visiting home to see my parents at the start of April and it was then that I had witnessed first hand how bad things had gotten. He didn’t recognize me. He didn’t know I was even there. We drove him to the hospital a few hours after I had arrived. He was only getting worse. During this visit, we had been told he was being poisoned by penicillin. Had we not taken him to the hospital within a few days, we would’ve lost him but they changed his prescriptions and within a few days he was back to being my dad. We found out that he had an infection residing in his heart, where he had had a heart valve transplant nearly 10 years ago. One test was all we needed to find this out, and it had taken months to figure that out. We were angry but he started feeling better, and we all thought, “this is it, we’re getting back on our feet”. We could live with this.

On April 26, my sisters birthday, my dad, at 57 years old, had a stroke. I received a text in the middle of the night, for what felt like the millionth time, that my dad was in the hospital. When I asked if he’d be okay, my mom responded with “I don’t know”. There’s absolutely nothing that will ever drop your heart as fast as knowing something horrible has happened and that there is absolutely nothing you can do. Nothing. The next morning, I woke up and immediately got in my car to make the 4 hour journey to be at the hospital. I dropped everything, I didn’t go to class and I told my boss I didn’t know when I’d be back to work. I got to the hospital after a road trip filled of tears only to be met in an ICU waiting room with a blabbering mom, for good reason. My dad wasn’t exactly waking up and the bleed in his brain hadn’t stopped; it was the size of a golfball. They thought the vegetation of the infection on his heart had flaked off and traveled to the brain, causing the stroke. The right side of his body, his dominant side was also immobile. Life had changed in the blink of an eye.

Fast forward a week, honestly nothing exciting had happened, only that he was sleeping, a lot. Most of the time actually. But, we had found out, we were losing time. If he wasn’t transferred to a rehabilitation center soon, his chances of a full recovery were slim. Oh, but insurance companies are always such fun to deal with, aren’t they? Anyways, we had figured something out and we got him transferred. In this facility, we spent 6 weeks where us kids took turns staying with him so our mom could get some decent sleep when she wanted. And we were patient and positive like the therapists and nurses told us to be. He started remembering us, and gaining some strength back. My brother was set to get married on July 28, and my dad had told us he’d be walking down that aisle. We all went along with it, but ultimately I don’t know if we all truly believed he’d be able to. But this guy, this guy is one stubborn, feisty and determined man and I walked right behind him down that aisle.

This was a long story, I know but it was the story of my 2017. It’s a long road to recovery but he’s now back to basically normal, in only 6 months. He has his limitations, like ask him to hold a beer in his right hand and it’ll probably shatter .5 seconds of holding on but he’s getting there. His kidneys are still only like 32% functioning so, he doesn’t need that beer anyways.

You may be thinking, well Taylor that’s quite a story but how does this relate to what you learned?

Well, what I learned this year is that family is absolutely everything, and how important it is to have an army behind you, big or small. Without a support system, we give up cause it’s just so easy. You don’t need a massive group of people, but you need someone. You need someone willing to help you, work with you, heal with you, take care of you and unconditionally love you. I also learned a lot about marriage. If you can’t imagine yourself dealing with something of this proportion with whoever you’re with, don’t marry them. Imagine the hard things you may have to go through and really think about what it means to be in sickness and in health. I mean my parents have been married 33 years now, and they’ve dealt with countless tragedies together but nothing like this. There’s no way to even prepare for something like this but my mom advocated the hell for my dad and didn’t leave his side unless forced. I learned to appreciate my body more. Imagine not being able to use one whole side of your body for months. It’s not fun, is it? I also learned to appreciate the little things, like small victories. My dad would always get really excited when he would feel something working again, like a toe or having feeling back on his calf. Small things that led to a huge recovery.

In retrospect, I think we can all benefit from a life-changing experience like this. There’s really no ruder wake up call when it’s literally life and death but I don’t know if I’d change anything. My parents would probably say otherwise but what happened, happened. You learn to get back on your feet. You learn to love harder and appreciate more and you’re sent on this wild ride of emotions but it’s all part of the human experience. So, 2017 was kind of a shit show but here we are, with such a heartwarming story now public for the world. Am I too self-aware of this blog?

Till next time, Taylor