#i was getting so frustrated bc i was trying to articulate something to myself for like 2 hours and wasn’t getting anywhere

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[baravaggio]

healed by bowl of pasta and phone call with my brother

[your--isgayrights]

Probably a bit silly and you’ve likely answered this before, but do you think you’re going to come back to “at the Very least, the Wall will change?” I’m just getting into ORV and I want to read some fanfic! I promise I am patient but I’m hesitant to start reading something that’s abandoned. I hope this doesn’t come off as disrespectful! I completely understand burnout (med student here hehe) and there’s no shame is shelving a project for a time if it no longer speaks to you. I just wanted to check

You're right that I've answered this before but like it's totally fair to ask me again after how long it's been lol. Bc like I think about this a lot too and thus the answer/feelings I have about it kind of changes?

Like my journey with this fic has kind of been tumultuous because I started it before I had access to ADHD medication and a lot of my life can be divided into the Before times and the like Now Times where my baseline happiness/standard of care of myself is vastly improved. I outlined all of wall fic before publishing the first chapter and then the scenes I wanted to include took up a lot more time to create than I initially thought they would and that like frustration was really harmful to like my sense of being a "writer," I guess?

Sorry, getting into this bc I'm trying to articulate my own feelings to myself, but I'll tldr; it at the end probably.

Like when I first started wall fic it had like a strangle hold on my imagination and was a way I was able to articulate feelings about things in life. Truth is, I'm someone who has called 911 for suicide/self-harm of friends/classmates like 4-5 times before turning 18. There is this feeling of helplessness I always had as a minor that the world was always ending around me but even when I was up till 5 am making sure my friend got to the hospital ok without any way of really knowing except waiting for a text back, I still had to just buck up and go to school the next day. The emotions I have towards these times in my life really latched onto omniscient reader, because the way it discusses suicidal ideation and what can help with it rang really true to me. I love KDJ a lot, part of that is, in my interactions with suicidal ideation, his sense of narrative inevitability really describes the emotions behind it well, the feeling of "this is the only Solution that will Actually work" is sewn into the fabric of the universe as "probability." And I've actually been thinking about that term "probability" a lot lately, and how it relates to ideas about Narratives. We're always estimating the likelihood of future events based on past experiences, calling things "realistic" or not. But the function of this system in my own life has often been to convince myself to 'give up' on certain things, conserve the energy it would take to try them. Sure that has helped me when Ive not had any free time/energy in crunch times or big projects, but when something is actually important, giving up feels like shit to be honest. Which is part of why I really love and kind of idealize this character of Yoo Joonghyuk, someone who 'never gives up.' To me KDJ and yjh in wall fic represent these two radical sides of a spectrum where someone becomes unhappy by giving up caring about everything and someone becomes unhappy by never giving up on anything. KDJ is then sort of this love letter to people who give up on themselves, people who could never imagine living past a certain age and yet somehow implausibly remain. YJH is a love letter to people who have been left behind and are So aware of their choices and their power over situations that they blame themselves for things that were actually out of their control in the first place. It's these two different ways of interacting with helplessness and grief and fear, giving up knowing you never could have made a difference in the first place or being convinced you could always have done Something and blaming yourself for failing, constantly stressing about what you could have done and what you ought to do the next time it happens.

Codifying these themes into Characters is originally this fun way of exploring emotions I have about them and sharing the experience of feeling them with others without having to tear too much of my self a part. I feel like when we're young it feels like a sense of self is something like a wall, an image of ourself that we have Built and must put in work to Maintain from erosion. This sense of self and protection makes us feel distinct from other people, the line we draw where we begin and end in the universe, and they become rules dictating How we will Act and Appear towards others. Drawing these walls and lines is pretty important to KDJ's perspective in wall fic, but i now realize I had sort of started doing to myself? Towards the middle of writing it?

Just because I've been on the Internet so long, I know the sort of "narratives" of being different "kinds of authors" online. Because of this, when I started posting wall fic, something that was of a lot of concern to me was how I appeared as an Author to people reading. I honestly think now that the performance of things I associated with like Being an Author were more sort of motivated by a fear of failure and disappointing others than anything else. It's kind of only been recently that I've realized that I have a choice to do things because I enjoy them instead of the fear of not doing them, which sounds a little crazy/obvious to be honest, but forcing myself to be an honor roll student for like more than a third of my adolescence while completely unmedicated kind of made that sort of intrinsic fear of disappointing others the ole'reliable of Task Motivation. Participating in ORV fandom has sort of been this emotional tight rope walk for me of like. Kind of really desperately desiring validation from others but also being afraid of receiving it bc of like the pressure it then puts on to Keep Doing the thing that Works and otherwise feeling like a Failure. But obviously like creative writing isn't going to have the same like Fear/Urgency factor as life stuff and it shouldn't feel that way, anyway, tbh. I'm kind of having to like. Re-invent the idea of writing being Fun and Relaxing for myself. And the idea that talking to other people on the internet (also like. People in general I still do this at uni even) does not actually have to have like any performative elements or factors of like? Disguise? Because like my sense of self doesn't actually have to be a wall I keep building and have to repatch whenever someone comes along with a pickaxe like my sense of self doesn't actually need a metaphor attached to it because it just is what it is lol. Like whatever I am RN is my "self" and that meaning would only suffer under the restraint of comparison, lol.

It's been easier to like feel normaler/better quicker in like my day to day stuff, but because a lot of the time I spent previously trying to write wall fic lies in that like that brain space where I felt afraid and stressed out etc I think I currently have like an aversion to sitting down with it out of like a fear of returning to that mindset. Because I'm like looking it in the face and such I do have like strategies of getting over it like doing warmups or taking time to make nice writing spaces and having a name to/strategies to access the creative part of my brain, but that stuff takes time and because it's a lot less likely I'll have writing on the brain than go through my every day life like the process of becoming normaler/feeling better goes a lot faster day to day than in my approach to writing.

Because in my brain the progress of wall fic is a sort of gentle curve I've been trying to shape the growth of upwards, I wouldn't say it's abandoned at all. But also like because the next "update" is not really guaranteed and I'm kind of hesitant to force myself to commit to a timeline for finishing/releasing it, I think it makes sense to like hesitate about starting it as a reader? In terms of a sense of completion, the chapters are organized in such a way that each one concerns a sort of complete Section of KDJ's life/relationships, tho. Like, Chapter 1 shows KDJ and YJH's first meeting as kids and establishes the "soulmate" setting. Chapter 2 shows the life KDJ carved himself to thereafter, how he and YJH's paths have diverged, established the stakes of KDJ's current "world" in a way parallel to the first few chapters of wos/orv. Chapter 3 focuses on how the soulmate worldview and KDJ + YJH's characters/past interact with the way they view children/the idea of "childhood/youth." Chapter 4 is meant to show how that worldview encounters adult life/ adult friendships/relationships, but the final part of it is something I'm still working on a bit. The structure is such that I tend to bring the end of the chapter back to a moment of peace/resolution/settling in the "new world" after the events of the chapter and then writing a one sentence cliff hanger about what the next chapter includes. So if you want to give some of it a read but don't want to be left feeling too incomplete, I'd read up till before the last sentence of Chapter 3, tho that's a bit silly, lol.

I will say again and have said before, I don't mind that much getting thoughtful comments/messages like yours at all. Thoughtful in the sense of like, desiring a response from me as a person, I suppose? Towards the start of writing online i really like needed the validation of little comments to feel good about myself/my work, but now I realize that the thing I like actually desire that ao3 comments aren't often a good format for is that I just like talking/discussing these things with other people. Sometimes comments will make me feel more like an unpaid customer service representative getting feedback or a student looking at a quick note on my report card. The kind I like most are messages where people want to ask me questions, argue with me about something, share something of their own interaction with the text that there's room for me to interact back with them as a person. The thing I hate most is feeling like I care too much about something/talk/think too much to the point that people are tired of hearing from me/form a bad opinion of me.

So like typing this all out has actually put myself in the brain space of remembering some of the things I like to write about and feel and how the current part of wall fic explores them. I'm kind of setting up my computer and such to start working on it like rn actually, hopefully the like feelings I'm having towards wall fic won't evaporate when i have to go to my class in 1/2 an hour or when i try to reread some of what I've written so far lol.

TLDR; Wall fic isn't abandoned or on hiatus or anything, but I am super slow about it lol. If you wanna give it a read I recommend stopping before the last sentence of Chapter 3 if you don't want any "cliff hangy" feelings. Questions like yours that ask me to interact with orv/wall fic/related themes do honestly help me start thinking about it again and I'll probably try to work on some of it tonight bc of you so thanks 👍

[kiefbowl]

Omg tell me about your totk grievances. I like playing the game a lot but it just doesn’t feel as good as botw and I can’t articulate why (other than botw being the first Zelda game Like That)

Yeah, I don't know how articulate this will be from me either but I'll try:

Tedium - I'm not going to kid myself that tedium wasn't also part of BOTW, but it felt different I think because it was in service of exploring a world you didn't know, and there were times where the game was quiet and you were just in the space appreciating that you could go where ever you wanted. In TOTK it feels like there are so many tasks constantly and so much happening every moment of the game. Which, I get because they're using the same map. still, it can feel like I'm doing an endless list of chores and some of the chores are, well...dumb.

Exploring - I love the depths, but once you get about ~50% of the lightroots, the allure lessens steeply imo. It's less "scary", and the more powerful you are, it's way easier to traverse - meaning the light and your power makes it basically a walking stimulator with some battle elements. granted, I haven't actually done the labyrinths yet in the depths, and I don't think it's full of nothing, I like fighting the Yiga, it's just really repetitive and the thing that makes it novel diminishes quickly as you fill it with light.

The Sages - they are fucking in the way. They aren't completely useless, but I need them so infrequently and sometimes they fuck up what I wanted to do because (A) is used for everything. I know I could toggle them off, but that's going in and out of the menu which is annoying in a game I already have to do that a ton for. It's such a breath of fresh air to be on your glider and just have your bird buddy. 3.(A) Battle - The Sages fuck up battle. Yeah it's cool and funny sometimes to let them take care of some beasties when I don't really want to do it, but they don't do that much damage, and when I'm trying to fight beasties, they fuck up the timing. I feel like I can't land any of my side jumps and flurry rushes etc. because they will hit the monster. Then I don't have practice and so when I do have the opportunity, I fuck it up. I felt like in BOTW I was hitting flurry rushes and parries and back flips all the time, now I can't get it down and I think it's bc of the sages. 3.(B) Mineru - I don't fucking get this. Once you're on her, the controls change. And then she doesn't really do a whole lot of extra damage. Also you seem to take a lot more damage when you're riding her? It's nice to be able to give her frost emitters etc. but I don't want to ride her except to go over lava/gloom (which just makes exploring easier...which is boring...). And she's in the way more, because unlike the other sages, if I accidentally press (A) around her I'm suddenly in a different location with different controls and it takes two different buttons to get off her. It's annoyyyying. 3.(B)(ii) The quest to get her sucked it was not fun.

Koroks - the backpacks koroks were fun for the meme, but it just seems bc they give you two, there are far less hidden koroks, which means I'm finding less if I don't want to stop what I'm doing to do a tedious un-puzzle. They need far less backpack koroks, they needed the backpack koroks to be more puzzle like, and/or they needed the korok seeds to do something else in this game than inventory expansion. The beauty of BOTW exploration was that no matter what, you were going to be rewarded with exploring no matter how inane or bonkers it was, because more often than not there would be a fun little puzzle for you to get a little seed. Now you can't find them bc they've been exported to backpack koroks. I do appreciate that in early game they were a good way to practice your building ability, but now that I'm entering late game I'm frustrated.

I think that's all I have atm, there are probably other issues I have but again overall they're minor quibbles I like the game a lot (plus I like tedium in games lol)

[selchwife]

ive talked about this before and it may be kind of negative but ill do it again i don’t care. i like talking about my feelings. under a cut bc it’s unconscionably long but stuff about emetwol in fandom and idk. Internalized homophobia I guess?

beyond not caring for some of the m/f emetwol writing i’ve encountered (depending of course on the individual author and WoL) and finding it regressive or sexist, it does feel kind of like. i don’t know, hurtful isn’t the right word, but it’s unpleasant to me that that sort of writing is much more popular than m/m emetwol because it kind of gets at a weird place for me vis a vis like growing up with homophobia that i think is kind of hard to articulate. (this is specifically about stuff that feels super reliant on very highly codified gender roles to me and the way i feel that that sort of work is exceedingly popular, it’s not about every m/f emetwol ship.)

it’s kind of childish language but there’s a part of me that consistently sees these characters as like, “fairytale princesses,” like their performance of womanhood is unassailable and their claim to beauty is unquestioned, and so Naturally they end up with a desirable man, and like. idk. there is an extra TRANS gay dimension in this for me, I guess. i was very invested in fairytales as a kid myself, but i always felt kind of torn about identifying with these female protagonists who inhabited roles I felt like I couldn’t, and very early on i was consistently frustrated by what looking back i recognize as feeling, like, emasculated by the whole idea. my Stereotypical As Fuck Childhood Fantasy at this point was wearing full body armor and saving a princess and having her assume i was male.

anyway, so obviously i have some friction with the whole Ideal Woman Role, given I’m a trans guy. duh. i think it was tough bc like, on an emotional level even as a child i was aware I was a boy, even if i couldn’t figure out how to express this or that it was possible to say so. and i liked other boys, and because i knew vaguely that being gay was “bad,” i felt discomfort and guilt about it, and like i was doing something wrong by liking other boys. compounded by the issue that THEY did not see ME as Other Boys and made me angry by treating me as a girl. so like, it was hard to know on some level that i wasn’t actually female, and like other guys, and then consistently have other guys only like me or interact with me on the level of like, this sort of socially acceptable female face I had to wear growing up. i could only get close to guys i liked on ANY level, whether as potential romantic partners or as friends, through the Girl Pantomime. but because i was stuck in the whole Girl Act there was this wall between me and other guys, and i could never really entertain getting close to even guys I might’ve otherwise been interested in because i knew like, the only reason they had any interest in me was because they were straight. like particularly with my friend from high school who I went to prom with, who i might’ve liked back if like, it were in a context where he was interested in me as another guy - but he only liked me because he saw me as a girl who shared his interests and a girl who was his friend, so he did not like ME.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that seeing these very very gendered like, “ideal subservient woman x guy you like” depictions be met with TONS of positive feedback and engagement and praise feels like a repetition of that rejection? especially because my own writing for emetwol is not met with nearly the same kind of engagement on The AO3. it feels like another sort of “you can only secure the attention of other men whose companionship or love you want by being a woman, rendering the whole thing entirely pointless because the only way that camaraderie and love will fulfill you is if you’re seen as a man — and this is because men and women interacting under the aegis of these extremely exaggerated gender roles is the ideal, it’s what everyone wants and views as positive, and what would be affirming and healing to you is what everyone else finds distasteful and perverse.” and i know it’s not necessarily that deep, but like, it feels that way! it really does feel that way when you’re repeatedly presented with this like stark Men Are This, Women Are This, Men And Women Interact Like This kind of narrative, and you see that narrative praised over and over again, and when you try to tell your own story nobody listens.

and I get that that’s discounting somewhat the fact that my dear friends DO listen, and you guys listen. i appreciate it a lot. it’s just like, idk, it’s a different feeling to have your friends say “cool fic!” when you show them versus publishing your work on ao3 and having other, new people respond and tell you they liked it and so on. and i also understand that popularity means very little, and that there’s no sin in other people writing things that aren’t to my taste and my taste apparently not being so mainstream.

i think it’s just like, I don’t resent other people for being something that I’m not and enjoying things I don’t. but it’s sometimes very isolating and painful to remember that like, idk, I’ve found connection with other lgbt people online and found a good community and structured my little social world around that and it’s great and wonderful, but that doesn’t change that in the wider world I do not fit in. i’m not what people want me to be and not capable of being that, and the things that are important to me are viewed by others with at best a sort of indifference or “how quaint!” and at worst disgust. and straight people’s relationships, and subsequently writing about straight characters’ relationships, are automatically conferred a greater sense of weight and value. and with emetwol sometimes I feel like an m/f story like this is automatically viewed as a sweeping epic and the love as inherently very deep and real, but with m/m it’s sort of relegated to like, oh how cute that men like him too, or whatever. idk how to articulate it precisely, but the feeling like men’s relationships just aren’t seen as like, as romantic or as Real in comparison. silly slash fans playing with dolls. you know. IDEK how much of that is even true, but it’s how it makes me feel, like “you don’t really belong here, no one wants to hear about your silly little Thing, but we suppose you can sit at the kiddy table with the other gays.”

i think one of the things that makes me maddest in this vein is the fic i read where emet having an attraction to men is included as a throwaway line SOLELY in order to establish that he’s become incurably morally corrupt and debauched. like. Cool

and idk, i don’t want to come across like it’s just “i’m crying homophobia bc nobody reads or talks up my stuff on the fanfictions website :’(“ bc i’m aware Not Getting AO3 Hits is kind of a petty complaint and no one is obligated to read my fic in particular. It just feels like the Environment surrounding the ship unless i specifically track down other m/m shippers or nb/m shippers, so it’s hard to pin to one thing. especially bc the perception by the wider ffxiv fandom is TOTALLY that emetwol is like almost exclusively a straight woman’s pursuit

no real good snappy conclusion to this. i just wish i felt better about it i suppose, and also like i didn’t feel i have to apologize so much for feeling unheard compared to other people. it’s not like i want to demand attention as though I’m entitled to it or something, I guess it’s just demoralizing sometimes to put a lot of my heart into writing for pfeil and emet and feel like no one will want to read it or take it as seriously because they’re gay men

[i-luvsang]

hai! js talkin abt that ur vent post, there's absolutely no rush!!! i totally get it, ever since middle school i knew that she/her prns weren't preferred but i used them bc... society sucks LOL buttt like u, i started off w she/they and slowly transitioned to they/them. idk if this makes sense but maybe try out they/them to get a feel and if ur not 100% comfortable, you can always try out different prns that feel best to u or describe u how u see fit!!! ik that's kind of a shitty explanation but like u said, there's absolutely no rush. u are allowed to take ur time w prns n sometimes, it'll take awhile but ig it's easier to see it like ur discovering URSELF alongside ur prns so the pressure u feel is valid, but i'm js here to remind u that u don't owe anyone to know ur prns n if u ever need help or js someone to rant to, i am always here. <3

cw : more gender confusion lol

thank you so much for sending this jaydi :,) it means a lot, truly. i really appreciate this reminder, it's kinda weird because i'm like.. i know there's no pressure and no one's putting pressure on me it's just kinda frustrating that i can't figure out what feels right for me i guess? because i feel comfortable in my gender expression through my appearance (which has been something i was figuring out for a while) and so it's great that i (for the most part) feel comfortable in my body and with my appearance and i'm really grateful that i've been able to find that. but for some reason the appearance part felt like my discovery journey where, yes, i was confused about things but i learned the most about who i was and what i feel like my gender identity is and now i kinda feel like i'm left with just confusion right now :(( and i know that that's valid it's just kinda a feeling i don't know if i've ever felt before?? and i'm not sure what to do with it? idk it's really hard for me to articulate lol but i trust you understand and i'm really grateful that i can talk to you about this <33 i think that sometime soon i'll test out they/them prns soon (maybe just with a smaller group of people to ease in) iDK ANYWAYS IM CONFUSED I GUESS BUT THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME i will be doing my best to support myself and also allow myself to be supported by others <33

[lagomorphics]

hi majora! your art is really cute, and I hope you don't mind if I ask about your process? I'm new to art and yours is an inspiration! I wanted to ask how you learned? and your process, because you seem to draw near daily! also any tips you might have for me? thank you!

HI ANON!!! ur very sweet thank u so much WAHH <33!!! idm being asked abt that at all!!

in terms of how i learnt; i've kinda always been drawing for as long as i can remember? been posting art online since around 2013-ish so i got a big big catalogue of stuff to look back on

but learning in specifics of like, how i learned to shade n draw bodies etc etc. i studied! theres a lot of resources out there that'll break down a lot of the 'basics', i dont have any i can name off the top of my head except for morpho; whole bunch of books about body types and anatomy.

im not really good at providing tips for how to learn (bad memory </3) but studying, drawing things over and over (i do with reference and then without, and try to draw in different angles/perspectives) is very useful!

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT: literally do not worry at all if what you draw the first time around looks wonky or "ugly". being negative towards yourself about your art only serves to stunt ur growth!! shakes you (and anyone reading this) by the shoulders. it can be very easy to slip into hating your art and not enjoying anything ur drawing. this is me telling u to try and draw something youve never drawn before. experiment. it may not look perfect or even "good" but it will refresh ur brain!!!!!

MY PROCESS...... oh man i really have been drawing pretty much daily huh? i do draw every day but its been a hot minute since ive been doing finished pieces haha

but basically what i do is; start with a few warm-up doodles! just anything to get me in the groove

then over the course of the day i slowly chip away at whatever pieces im working on (lined stuff will usually take me a few hours, rendered stuff takes a day or a few....)

i cannot really assist in like "so how do you draw?" because i honestly just go Lights Off Its Drawin Time! but i always do a rough sketch of an idea i have, refine the sketch, refine that sketch, and then if its rendered i'll make a palette for myself somewhere, but if its lined i'll start on the lineart and then fiddle around with colours.

i draw for fun, so if i dont like how somethings turning out, i'll stop drawing it. no use frustrating myself over a piece to the point of hating it!!

(this ones just forfun and just for me) i keep a small little doc full of notes about my own pieces! i like analysing stuff, and also enjoy talking about why i draw something in a specific way, so this is just a nice little thing for me to have fun with. also helps me avoid potentially slipping into "hate this. bad" mindset bc im specifically noting things that i Liked (i do obviously have a bit of chatter like "hmm i think i couldve drawn this better, i should keep that in mind" but its only when its helping myself. the jora does not talk bad about its art)

aaand then i do some cool-downs to get any last little doodles outta my head so i can relax in bed

in terms of tips? do stretches, walk around, TAKE BREAKS! draw at your own pace, and also Have Fun With It. experiment with different colours, limited palettes, different styles!

seriously though do make sure you take breaks and stretch im lookin you in the eye okay?

I HOPE THIS MADE SENSE AND IS HELPFUL IN A WAY i ramble. far too much. and im not the best at articulating my thoughts!! but i hope u have lots of fun drawing very cool stuff <333

[hislittleraincloud]

...I keep forgetting that I operate in dark mode, and that my posts look like shit because I never bothered to fix the HTML on this blog.

This isn't how that looks for me. This is what it's supposed to look like

I'm not gonna ask how to fix it because I know how to fix it (I've had a Tumblr since 2011), I'm just super lazy and old and didn't feel like fixing it before when I made this thing. But I fell asleep (AGAIN 😭) last night before I could drag the laptop out and do something about it (since it's now linked on IG, I need to) and to place existing scenes for 8.

Meh, I need a shower. And to take my pain meds since the thing I fell asleep with (arm pain) hasn't subsided. I have no explanation for it, but sometimes I feel like my arm bones are on fire. Doctor knows, doesn't care enough to send a Poor off to testing (I get state funded care, YAY 😐... it's not as great as y'all super lefties want to make it sound). I've suffered from physical pain my whole life.

My first real/full sentence as a child was "My knee hurts." I remember because I was tiny and they were trying to get me to walk, and I never cried or talked much as a kid ('shy' is what I was labeled) because I was too frustrated with being unable to articulate what was on my mind...but once I figured out how, I articulated all sorts of weird shit that freaked my parents out, like when I was around 3½ I just suddenly said to my father (after watching Sesame Street) that "If 1 plus 1 is 2, then 1 minus 2 is minus 1." I remember the look on my father's face and he asked me to explain. I tried writing it out, but yanno, I was 3, and I hated what my numbers looked like (I did try my best...watching SS did help a lot with that) but the most I felt I could do at that point was draw, so I drew circle blobs to explain it. I hate math with a burning passion, but I guess I was thinking about it because Sesame Street encouraged that kind of thought (I don't think it does anymore, and most all of the kids shows now suck).

I remember a lot. Photographic memory for a lot of it. (Which is the true condition of Jonathan Miller and Cairo Sweet. Bartlett is an idiot and used 'eidetic', but that's a falsehood that 'eidetic' and photographic memory are the same. They're not...which goes to show how much of a dumbass a graduate from Brown can be. But I continue to use eidetic in the UVCniverse because it's canon...no other reason.) The extent of it isn't all that great, but the scenarios/happenings in my head are vivid; but this body pain memory is super vivid, right down to me feeling like I'm experiencing it all over again. It's something I can never forget, no matter what I do to distract myself (and I've never been a really positive thinker). Pain management is a big part of why I'm such a big fucking stoner, and sometimes the reason why I fall asleep (escaping the pain).

I'll stop whining now...but to reiterate what's in the caps, there's no way I can get anything Afterburnish published in nine days. Maybe, maybe I can get 'In Three Bites' done, but no guarantees on that bc I'm tryna ignore it to work on 8. It's a little hard to ignore when it's so much more playful and light than Afterburn, and I need a little bit of that right now.

Begone, foul temptress! ...Meh, okay, you can stay. 🫠

[potatopossums]

relationships are weird. (actually, my mind is weird.)

(not a coherent post bc I'm about to go to bed; although when are any of my posts coherent?)

but just thoughts about traversing multiple relationships (in the general sense of the term) and my own needs.

it's so weird and I literally do not know how some people are romantically polyamorous bc wow it's hard to keep relationships in line enough as an aro person.

i struggle enough with being touch starved and needing affection in a physical and verbal sense, and just the amount of other stress i deal with being agender and misgendered too, and still learning how i can best protect my mental health during all of that is like. what on earth kind of sorcery is this.

i really want to be one of those people who is just completely honest all the time. beautifully articulate and not holding back their truth at all. doesn't mean I'm mean. i just can clearly communicate what i want and not have it be something i stumble over out of anxiety or fear of rejection. i know it's a practice but wtf it's so hard.

i worry about not being enough for people all the time given that i enjoy touch but get uncomfortable and overstimulated really easily during hug and cuddle situations, and sometimes i want a hug but it doesn't feel good and that sensation doesn't tend to leave me very quickly when it doesn't feel good, it just exasperates my anxiety even more like "agh bodies why."

how the fuck i even function with my overactive intrusive thoughts is a mystery.

things are just hard. expectations are hard. i constantly think that people are unhappy with me. i need to be babied sometimes (a lot of the time). I'm soft and delicate and struggle to believe that anger ≠ abandonment or punishment.

anger has always meant something bad: something was about to be done to me or taken away from me, i was about to be demeaned or belittled or torn apart and it was something i had to avoid. how am I supposed to feel okay in the world if that's still the lens i have? i don't know. I'm trying to change that slowly. I'm trying to show my brain that, no, it is not the end of the world when someone is angry or frustrated or annoyed with me, see they're still here and they still care. it's really hard though. it's like. i can't just convince myself they're not mad or frustrated at me because they are and they're allowed to be. but how do I convince myself that no, this isn't the final straw this time and they're not about to abandon me this time? how do I discern that? i have no idea. i naturally think that rejection on any level means I'm not loved and that whatever i ask for is disgusting to the other person. i think that my own autonomy and desires and needs being vocalized puts me up for warranted scrutiny and abandonment. people have a right to be angry at me for not putting out and i just have to deal with that and it hurts me. i don't know why that's my mindset but it is.

like how will I know I'm safe? i don't know. how will I know that people won't abandon me even if just emotionally? i don't know. how will I know the difference between abandonment and something else? everything feels like it's one step closer to loss. always. i don't know why. it just does. I'm trying to fight that so hard. I'm trying to force myself to stay in the game and keep my eyes open and say "see? look. nothing is happening here. say you're scared, say this is hard. that's true. but also look, nobody is leaving you when you say that. nobody is angry at you. nobody hates you. look at that."

it's really hard to even believe that reality. i can look that in the face and still my intrusive thoughts come along and say "what if..."

it's exhausting.

i don't have a hopeful conclusion for this one, i just know that this really sucks and I'm not the only one who experiences this. it just really sucks that my coping mechanisms for these things are really rooted in amatanormative things as well, I'm noticing. and that really fucking stings to realize, as if that makes me less aro or alterous or queerplatonic. it doesn't. but of course my mind is looking for anything with which to tear me down. and why? i don't know. it's the voice of my parents, my critical voice. i wish that voice belonged to me. i wish it could change and be something else, sooner rather than later. i know I'm working on it and it just takes time. but it sure is painful as hell. and all the gaps in communication i experience when talking to people, my mind just fills them with fear and thoughts: "do they hate me this time? what about this time? now they must hate me. now they're thinking about how disgusting my desires are, how gross my reality is, how repulsive I must be."

it either makes me upset at them for a thought i fabricated, or it makes me just feel like shit as i take those thoughts as truth.

there has got to be another way.

[wisteria-lodge]

a thank you from an unburning lion secondary, with faulty bird model

I’m the lion primary who was doubting itself and who talked their way in your anon box to understanding themselves. You were pretty comprehensive and it was nice to really notice we share primaries xD One thing shocked me and left me O_O was at the end, when I left that commentary about bullies (my school knew me both for my excellent notes and my fights both bcs i couldnt left a situation alone) and you said, wow and a lion secondary.

i was shocked. Like I say this and I remember my earlier years and the problems I’ve always have talking with people and it’s my bluntness and lack of attention to others feelings which had always have my mother scolding me after going out with her or talking with friends or telling her about any interaction. Same with my father. And then I stopped. I started reading, I fell for fanfiction and manga, and lost my childhood friends bcs I coudn’t relate to them, and during all of HS until my second year of university I was so so alone. 

And I didn’t speak out about my feels. I still don’t. Not to my family not to anybody. I felt so guilty, because once upon a time I did whatever I felt and then I learnt that being so intelligent, and open about my feelings and my life was unsensible to people, and then I learnt (justly so I think) that I shoudn’t act without thinking about others. 

But I feel somewhere in the way, I started feeling guilty of being myself. I learnt I’m too much for people. Now I over-analyze every interaction I have; have i overshared anything? Did i let the other talk and express themselves? I do it before taking charge in a group assignment or outing bcs I internalised that they don’t want it, that I’m being annoying reminding them of the tasks or the things we should be doing. 

You need to sweet-talk people, and I’m bad at it and although sometimes it can be funny most often is just plain tiring. And I’m the first surprised when someone is direct about anything. I like so much, so much learning about things, I feel deep inside the correct way of approaching problems should be to consider them from every angle, analyze the facts and the feelings they provoke and then come up with a good solution; I write and I want to investigate everything before starting any story but I’m completely unable to do so. Same with my studies, same with people. 

And then I wing it and it results so much better and it’s frustrating. People say: you’re so good at this, you must study/dedicate so much time to it. And I just do enough to get an intuitive understanding of the concept and then improvise, and I feel like a fake. 

When I have time and I’m methodical, it’s satisfying (better for memorising and studying languages too) but the truth is that I function better when I hit the ground running. I think this society doesn’t like lion secondaries very much unless you’re a shit man. Then is suddenly comprehensible if not appreciated. So I picked a faulty model bird because it’s useful, right? And i like it from time to time.

But I feel like the idea people have of me, about how I act is all bird and it’s stiffling but I let myself go and don’t act in my feels or my thougths because there no reason at all to be myself and I watch myself writing this and wow. Suddenly my mother is telling me why am i not as outgoing as when i was young or my new friends are surprised because my personality changes. Like an onion: outwardly I don’t care about anything, then you discover I’m very intense about lots of things but very nonchalantly (I left clues and you have to pick them, bcs I’m not verbalising you know?), then you never know what I feel about those things except for whatever observation you’ve made. You just know the loudness. My mother tells me I never talk to her about myself, but still she knows how to pick what I feel about people and situations bcs I’m that obvious I guess.

But she was who taught me to think twice bcs nobody wants to feel stupid or wronged (neither do I, I understand). My father never liked who I was; why wasnt I more social, more normal, why did I have to be so strange so openly. (It’s mostly I’m half-sure I fall somewhere in the lower gifted range + maybe some neurodivergence, but in my country they don’t adapt nor care for above average students and a test sounds ridiculous and attention seeking and too expensive when I do fine right now.) 

Can’t deny the lion, but I never talk. Except on internet anonymously. Bcs contradictions are funny and you’re really kind. Again, about the start of this megapost. It was so surprising when you saw directly through that ask to the secondary, that I teared up. Yes, yes, that’s who I am why hasn’t anybody told me it’s ok to be sincere and direct? Why?

I was toying with bird and snake but those are covers. Trying to perform snake when I’m uncomfortable or I haven’t got familiarity with the people and bcs it’s improvising it’s easier, and model bird when I can with all knowledge I don’t even notice I have aquired reading what amounts to tons of wish-fulfilling fantasies. Like. It’s posible to burn a secondary? Bcs I think that’s what’s happened to me. And I’m trying little by little to recover that trust in my actions because I know I’m better that way, that I feel good being direct about things but I’m so afraid of others… Perseverance though!!! 

This sorting system has helped me see that, more than astrology. Mostly, these last years i had a wrong feeling about myself. I think this helped articulate why. This so maudlin omg xD But you received well my semi-creepy murderous self-isolating primary post so. Sorry again, and thank you.

PS: love to anybody who has ever felt like me. Also, mom is def a badger primary, now that i think about it. She really, really likes working with people, meeting with friends, helping them etc. ended up teaching yoga. She is super direct too, so maybe we share the secondary... which is rich, but also why I think she is also strict that sense. Thinking she doesn't want to see me suffering like her + why i frustrate her when i retreat into myself too. good old projection. THE END XD

My dear Lion ~ 

You sound like me. And yes, you will be “too much” for some people. But I promise you. There will be others who love you for exactly that intensity. Putting masses of planning and up-front effort into something doesn’t make the end result any better. I’m a badger secondary, that was a tough realization to have. And it’s okay to be afraid. But you seem on top of this. You’re going to be okay. 

(also, your English is fantastic. Really, really nice use of the word “maudlin.”) 

Good hunting ~ WL

[saintgale]

I’m just. Venting a little about stupid art things.

It’s super frustrating to me when popular artists complain constantly about not getting enough views/likes/engagement/whatever on their art. Like, I get it. Especially once I guess someone has gotten used to a certain amount of interaction, be that likes or comments or whatever, but here I am still bitterly happy if I can get like. 10 likes on an art post. (Which, thank you so much to those of you who do, it’s like each and every one is a little smile that lights up my day, and I appreciate it very much.) Here and there I will get one that “blows up” to me (these are fanart posts, and I’m only talking like, a few hundred notes, which for me is a mindblowing amount), but it’s disheartening and discouraging when I put so much time, so much into making art and there’s nothing to show for it.

I know I shouldn’t, and I do not, make art to get engagement on my posts, and I have long ago given up the “gauging my self worth on how much interaction I get,” even though that mindset is STILL lodged into me (”you don’t get engagement on your artwork because your artwork is bad”), that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough, that my art sucks. At the end of the day I’m drawing things like my characters because they make me happy, but damn if it wouldn’t be nice to be at a place, like those popular artists, who constantly have people asking about their ocs and reblogging their oc art and all that. I know it’s not going to happen to me, and that’s okay. But when I see people with like, consistently hundreds or thousands of interactions on their content, who have thousands of followers, and then are like “I’m underrated” and all that, it’s like, then what does that make the rest of us “invisible” artists?

I will make a small disclaimer up front that I’m not upset at their success (if anything I’m happy for it), it’s not anything like that, it’s more frustration at myself as to why I can’t reach that, and frustration that the consumer media culture has made it so that nothing is ever “enough.” (And I get that wanting to still grow and improve is perfectly valid.) But the whole phenomenon of making someone who has tens of thousands of followers and constant interaction with their content feel as if that still isn’t “enough” is really awful, for them and for everyone else who can’t “make it” like that.

And look. I know my art’s not “great.” It’s certainly not “professional” quality or anything like that, and I constantly struggle to find what I like about it or to just refrain from putting myself down about it. And part of the reason is the shit like this, the feeling that “no one likes it” and that it’s “not good enough” to get interaction or commissions. And I know, I know deep down that’s not true, that on the technical side I am the same skill level as some of these more popular people, then I think, well there must be something wrong with what I’m doing or something wrong with me.

It’s like. You pour your heart and soul out into trying to make things and trying to improve and you throw it out there and it just sits there. And rots.

It just kills you inside. And yes, there’s that stubborn part of me that persists and will always persist, that I make art for me, I make art because I like to, I do not make art to measure my self-worth or my success, I do not make art to try to beg for interaction, I make art because it makes me happy. But at the end of it all, it’s still a slap in the face. It still hurts, you know?

Especially when you try, and you’ve been trying for years, and it’s never amounted to anything. Years, and there must be something wrong with me, because I’m still stuck here, in the same place, I think with even less interaction than I used to get (I think that’s just because some people have moved on, and some people just left bc of the whole tumblr bullshit thing, which is totally understandable and okay), but what do you do after that? There’s no hope left, really. It’s just the feeling that you’re going to be a nobody forever, that no one cares, no one will care, that your art will always suck, and there’s nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try. (So why try anymore?)

Also another thing I’m just salty and bitter about that’s somewhat related: not being able to sell commissions when I see popular artists around similar skill levels charging even more than x2 my prices for some things and getting commissions constantly/people asking about them constantly. (Which I know of course doesn’t mean people will buy in that second scenario, but it’s still so frustrating.) This goes also to adopts, which I don’t do and don’t buy (no money even if I wanted to lol), but I see the “popular” designs go for several times the amount of designs with similar detail and all that, the only difference being they’re done by smaller artists. Which, yeah, I also know right now the whole world is fucked and we’re all trying to just scrape by and keep ourselves afloat. And buying art is a luxury, I know that and I think artists absolutely should be charging more for their work. It is just, again, frustrating and disheartening, that I can’t even make a decent living wage on things even when I do sell. (And, again, then it just goes back to the stupid little voice in my head that goes, “Dratz, your art isn’t worth that. No one wants to pay that much for your bad art.” And I know that’s all bs but it still stings and persists.)

Which, again, thank you from the bottom of my heart to those who do commission me. I appreciate you all and love drawing for you!

I really hope this doesn’t come off as me being ungrateful for all that I do have--I am very humbled and of course immensely thankful. Sorry I’m just not good at articulating my thoughts and feelings.

[smoke-covered-ribcages]

So I’ve been reading up on everything about autism bc I honestly believe I could fall somewhere on the spectrum. And idky I thought that your either nonverbal or not. No in between. But I’ve realized that’s another trait I have, where there are some times when I physically can’t produce any words even if I wanted too. One time in highschool I was completely nonverbal for almost two whole months. I realize looking back was it was during my junior year, one of the worst years of highschool i had, and it was durning exam time, and when everyone was figuring out what they wanted to do. So I can only assume that since I was under a lot of stress, on top of my other current issues, the I just became non verbal. That wasn’t by choice, I remember family, friends, and the school getting so frustrated and angry at me but no matter how hard I tired it just wasn’t happening. Some times I could get a word or two out but that was it.

And even today, I’m under a lot of stress, and exhausted, and I just went to say hi to my cat and nothing came out. And none of this is new, it’s been happening like this for as long as I can remember. When ever my parents would want to talk about something I was going through, or why I was upset or something, I would find myself unable to make any noise. Or if I could force words out, I wasn’t able to articulate what was going on inside my head.

Idk where I was going with this rant, just putting out somewhere another dot that lines up with my assumptions. I’m still trying to work this out, and clearly it’s self diagnosing, I want to have a more solid grip on it before I talk to anyone professional about it. I am 22 and AFAB (although I’m non-binary) so from what I read it would’ve been harder to diagnose me? And that Afabs have an easier time masking. Although I don’t think I did a wonderful job, I was horribly bullied growing up, and people often find me weird, but usually had at leaast one friend. And even today, I’m told it’s like a “good” kind of weird whatever that means.

[kazbrekkerrs-remade]

ekrjhak i lov eu and to further enable you: ur thoughts on blue, gansey, ronan and adam and henry? and their group dynamic????? 👀👀👀

Wow this took me ages sorry dfjfhd. Claire... u enable me too much these are my onions <3. Under a cut because I went. overboard :3. I’m probably going to have to shorten this I don’t know if tumblr will even let me post something this long dkshjfhg. (Also I wrote half of this in word so if there’s proper capitalization in places that’s why, don’t let it cloud my image as a cool, laid-back bitch that doesn’t care for grammar.)

i’m starting individually then moving onto group dynamics heh

blue i like blue but it did take a bit of growing on me djjdjhjss. i like her a lot bc i relate to her a lot, but i do think there was a lot of room for improvement. she said she wanted to see the world and make it better but how exactly.. is that a roadtrip? i mean i guess it’s a start in a way, but i think it would’ve been much better if we saw her join an activist organization.. volunteer for a non-profit or something. Also her misguided feminism ah! But I can be a bit more lenient with that bc she was still very young when the series ended so. Also she was revealed to be part tree and then like. Nothing substantial came of it? idk

Ganseyboy! I have to be honest my.. fave uwu. There is a Lot of room for improvement  but I just. Optimist!! insecurities :( also he KNEW he was gonna d*e I’m. sad. Anyway like I said a lot of room for improvement as in like.. not everything is about you king <3 also he needs more… idk I don’t wanna say empathy bc i think that’s something different but like. He needs to realise that what he thinks is best isn’t gonna be the way everyone deals with something, if that makes sense? Like basically the “how do you know what’s good for me?” “THAT’S MY OPINIOOONNNNN!!” vine. THAT SAID I love him so much.. he held up the mouse to his face! And smiled!! mon dieu.. when he made bird jokes to make adam laugh… “am I in your dreams?” AH! In a way, blue and gansey are sons of the same gun: I love them both but there could be more done with them tbh. But I have a lot of fun with Fansey, a.k.a: fatima gansey. Kind of like fanon gansey except no one’s opinion matters besides mine <3 (basically it’s  the *aggressively kicks off shoes* “yee haw”, parts of gansey, and then me giving him the arc he deserves) maybe we could sum it up to “ma’am that’s my emotional support projection character” but like. That’s my business.

ADAM! Previous endorsements include: “might fuck around and become an adam parrish stan account.” “I’ve only had adam for a day and a half but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.” “I go :D whenever I see it’s an adam chapter” (these are more or less verbatim from my previous posts.) that said, I don’t have many fully formed thoughts because I uhhh don’t remember the books that well and also I repress the adam chapters bc they hit too close oops :). tbh I don’t have many complaints at all heh. That’s not to say he doesn’t have flaws but a) I will excuse them because he’s justified, adam does anything problematique and I’m like he can have a little murder. As a treat. and b) I genuinely loved his arc so. No complaints for real!! Also.. adam realising he is capable of loving and being loved…. *kermit meme* I have nearly teared up while writing this. :( one more half baked thought: trc having being “known” as a mark of being loved but then adam being like “i am unknowable” and then there was a moment of him with ronan like “how foolish of him to think he was unknowable”.... *kermit hearts meme intensifies*

RONAN O CLOCK to be honest. I. don’t have any meta or complaints I just love him. I love him a LOT okay.. very much. Big love. Sharp edges tough guy but he names his dream animals chainsaw and gasoline and has a pooping blanket for chainsaw… I can’t remember the quote but that but in cdth where he was like the point is dreamer or not if people are going to get hurt I’m going to stop it… Much to think about. HIS GROWTH. IN THE DREAM THIEVES wow can you believe I read him in TRB and was like ‘I don’t care for him’ ddhfjdhf and then in the dream thieves I’m like.. I have rescinded all previous callouts of ronan lynch. Oops. HE LOVES HIS FRIENDS SO MUCH oh my gosh. Ronan just… he has so much range for feeling!! he feels so much!!! I love that about him so much omg

Henry. Ah. This is where we get kind of controversial jdhjdfh I’m sorry but. I’m going to be honest I like him well enough as a character but I don’t care for him much I’m sorry I just. It’s because he was introduced so late. And only became an important character towards like.. the last half of TRK? I mean, I’d have loved him if he was introduced earlier, hell at least have him come into play in BLLB. The issues I have with him isn’t because of anything about him as a character though, I think it’s all about the way he was handled. I think because he came in so late, there just wasn’t enough time to do justice to the depth that he had, or give him an arc or anything, or enough time to connect with him. Also a part of me feels like he was in there just to kind of tie up Blue and Gansey’s stories and give them something to do after the end of TRK (which sucks because like… making your only canon POC being primarily to develop/give your white characters storylines… (blue isn’t white in my mind but like she was written “colorblind” and when that happens it usually means the author viewed them as white at least in the beginning jhfhgfj. but i don’t remember it too well so if i’m wrong lmk please!)). But probably my biggest problem is: I couldn’t help get the vibe that MS was facing criticism for the lack of diversity and so decided to bring in an asian character. Like, I feel that way bc he came in so late, and because of that he was so half-baked I’m.. gah. GAH. That’s unfair maybe henry is a cool dude hdhfg but I just can’t warm up to him because of this :/

Group dynamics!! With the gangsey I have to *sobs* I love them so much I’m.. what a strange constellation they all were <3

blue and ronan!! BROnan amirite… omg. That moment when blue nearly slips and ronan immediately catches n holds on to her… she would have to remember that :( sons of the same gun. Best friends!

Blue and adam.. gah. As friends it really goes hard. Get you someone who will stab you if you fall too deep into the nether-realm <3 but uhh. As dates. YIKES. Blue really just. Kissed noah while dating him. And didn’t even think for a second “I have a bf” :( not very cool of her to tell gansey about the kiss curse but not telling adam which I mean, I know that happened to show that they weren’t a good match but. Still yikes. Blue was lowkey cheating on adam the whole time during tdt huh :( also bro I am number one stan of the “I wish you could be kissed jane” scene but it happened literally RIGHT AFTER she broke up with adam I’m. relax <3. I wish that was kind of addressed but meh, overall it doesn’t bother me too much. I think they’re great friends :)

Ronan and adam… I can’t talk about it too much. I really can’t!! I really really can’t! the fact that adam goes to gansey like what is love and gansey is like she makes me quiet… and then adam is like “he was so still inside”.. :( omg the bit during trb when ronan is going on a swearing tirade and adam is like “they didn’t start making the civic until ‘73 <3” what a JACKASS I love him. Second secret!! --okay! Wait I have to say: while this one is not really a big deal compared to all their other moments, my favourite quote is “ and he realised that while he’d been looking at ronan, ronan had been looking at him” :uwu face:

Blue and gansey: :3 :33333 maybe it’s the muslim but I really like the tragedy of not being able to kiss :( I would beg just one off you! Under all this! Maybe I’m crying because of the inherent romantic-ness of the night sky with all its stars and late night drives :( wow I love them. Also i know most people find it annoying but I personally love the “I’m never gonna fall for this person” *fast forward to getting to know each other* “ahahah. :) I have rescinded all callouts of ____. she is now my girlfriend (long story)” (not to be confused with enemies to lovers <3 (not to be confused with enemies to friends to lovers <3)) also they can kiss now thank you very much.

Okay I will just preface this with: gansey’s relationships with both ronan and adam have the “how do you know what’s good for me” element to them so I don’t have to address it later hdfgjlfj but bro they love each other so much I’m… “dream me the world… something new for ever night” you’re leaving for TWO DAYS.. gansey gave up monmouth omg what became of that I really forgot khffhk did he get it back. I don’t even need to elaborate on ronan, “ronan would do anything for gansey” :(

ADAM AND GANSEY I been WAITNG for this one! Turn it up! Bro if you saw the whole face I made when I realised it was time for this kdhfhfkhu this is so loaded despite the fact that I cant articulate it <3 the.. idk what to call them. Parallels? Foils? I didn’t take lit sorry but he RANGE we could have had there… remember when gansey was shocked in trk bc :0 you guys came with me and also “they had run for him”. bro their whole relationship had so much. Tension because of their different backgrounds and fundamentally different outlooks because of their backgrounds, and I think if we had seen them properly connect then both of them could have grown from that. I know we see adam understanding gansey a bit better I don’t remember when that happened but I know it did at some point hhdsf but gansey.. never does! Huff and puff. It’s really so FRUSTRATING to me bc that could have key development for gansey but also for adam and gansey’s relationship. And also I feel like we didn’t.. see them try either? Which is so frustrating like idk if it’s a fault on stiefvater’s part or just with YA lit in general that platonic relationships are kind of ignored. Or maybe it’s because idk I remember ms saying she had a lot of issues while writing trk.. but still. We could have really had it all but instead I have to live with “don’t break him adam” I’m (: ok but now I must lighten the mood hjsdhf so might I add: when one of them sees the principal in his crazy funky junky hat and goes “yee haw”… when gansey is like :DDD hey ADAM guess WHAT and adam is like ? and gansey is like oh it was a fully casual problem with the ALTERNATOR of my car of COURSE it was the alternator, it was really simple and I fixed it with much ease :D and adam is like :’D felt like the had hatched a baby bird.. my uwus. ADAM! give me an idea! ALSO if anyone will allow me to venture into adansey territory…. the fact that adam is cabeswater’s magician and gansey now.. is cabeswater in a way. MUCH to think about. I still spend a lot of time thinking about the dryad au the problem is I have never been to progress past the “vague concept” stage of stories and this is why I don’t write dhfjhfdhf. But yes. I think about it often :3

i also like the henry with the gang, i think it could work really well but once again it wasn’t given the time for me to really see it :( also. ronan being racist. and adam laughing along with that. why was that included, ms turn on your location i just wanna talk

okay once again thank you for enabling me claire and i’m so sorry for this monster dsjkhfjkdhg

[asterekmess]

can i just say i LOVE ur anti-sc*tt metas? like i don’t read them often bc i have adhd and it makes it hard to read lots of text at once sometimes but i’m just so happy to see someone who feels the same way as i do abt sc*tt and is so articulate and well-reasoned about it. not that you NEED to share or even have “justified” reasons to not like a character ofc i just rlly love reading yours. keep up the great work and hope you’re having a good day bud :)

I totally feel you friend, fellow ADHD brain here. We live in a hellish no-man’s land don’t we? Not being able to keep from giving super long answers cus we have so many thoughts in our head, but not being able to Focus on Reading super long answers because we have so many thoughts in our head. XD Take your time. I use a lot of italics and capital letters (mostly cus Bold doesn’t show up well as best I can tell?) cus’ it helps keep my brain interested. FOrmatting helps too, but it’s hard to get it right on here.

I’m glad that you feel like we feel the same way. I know that when I first started having issues with Scott, as I started rewatching TW (I saw it in 2012, then forgot about it when the season was over and only went back to it in like....2017 or something?) I started getting really sad because I wasn’t enjoying the main character and he seemed so fucking mean and I was frustrated. When I found a tw presence on tumblr and started reading anti-scott stuff for the first time it was really comforting to know i wasn’t the only one who hated the things he did. I’m glad you feel the same. <3

It’s so flattering that you think I’m articulate and well-reasoned. I honestly try my best? I do love a good flame and fury, but to me it was always frustrating to see posts that were going over really interesting thoughts and moments from the show, but the wording was all over the place and it seemed like no one reread their work before they posted it (not that they should have to, of course) so I couldn’t really keep up with their reasoning. I try to avoid doing that myself, and if I’m ever not clear on something, I hope someone tells me so I can make sense of whatever I messed up.

Much love, deary. <3

[that-cheer-up-anon]

[[MORE]]

Today has kind of been a mixed bag.

I went to my doctor appointment and basically cried the whole time.

She asked me how my psychologist appointment went and what I learnt and what my homework was, and I realised that I couldn’t really remember what I was really meant to do. I remembered “stay away from ‘should statements’” and that was it. Couldn’t remember why or what it really meant.

I really do like my new psychologist so far, even though it’s only been one appointment, and I remember feeling really good about it afterwards. I felt proud for being able to remember one important thing (to stay away from ‘should statements’) but it’s useless to be given homework if I don’t even really remember what it is I’m meant to do or why.

I started crying and I wasn’t really thinking and didn’t really know why either. I think it’s bc I was frustrated at not being able to remember something important, not being able to be articulate what I was thinking or feeling (mostly bc I wasn’t really thinking), feeling like I was in trouble, feeling embarrassed and stupid, and feeling like I was wasting everybody’s time.

It doesn’t help that I had failed my sleep restriction and couldn’t even give a good report on that.

She basically told me to not beat myself up and to try to think of the positives and that I can always try again. Even though I’ve had a psychologist before, I still feel new to therapy and helping myself with professional medical help. These growing pains are normal, and I shouldn’t expect myself to get everything right away and this stuff takes time.

I was feeling really sensitive after and was afraid that I’d start crying in the car w my siblings in there, but I didn’t.

After that my siblings and I went to a multi-ward fastbreaker at a shore/pier and it was really pretty, and there were more people there than I anticipated. NGL I was anxious bc of the rising numbers of Corona virus cases, but my parents said that this was the last outing we’d be able to go to for a while, bc we’re self quarantining ourselves. I knew that some of my friends were there so I took it as my kind of last goodbye and hangout w friends, at least for a while. Plus I never turn down free food and I kinda like taking whatever excuses I can to not be home w my parents.

The fastbreaker was good and we won a pokemon go raid battle and I caught Rayquaza. We had to leave earlier than we wanted bc my parents wanted to vist my big sis to see their grandson, but when we got home my parents changed their minds, bc they didn’t want to visit during night time and I guess we were too late even though it was still light and they weren’t even going to be the ones driving. Whatever.

They said they actually wanted to go right after my doctor appointment but bc we had the fastbreaker right after and had the car they decided not to go. THEN TELL US EARLIER, DANG IT! I was stressing about us leaving early and it was for nothing! Kinda felt like they were guilt tripping me.

Anyways back at home and my dad was taking out my rubbish and noticed my empty antidepressant packs and got a little mad at me for taking medicine and said “what is this medicine for? Why are you taking it? Are you insane?” Like. YOU DON’T NEED TO BE INSANE TO TAKE MEDICINE! And obviously no I am not insane! And even if I did have a condition that made me erratic or have psychosis or something, taking medication would do me a lot more good than continuing to be untreated, which is what they want me to be, bc they don’t like that I’m depressed and anxious.

Whatever. I didn’t tell him what they were ir why I was taking medication bc I was very anxious about them stopping me from taking/buying them, or stopping me from seeing my doctor.

Still feeling very bad but who cares, whatever.

[amorrdemiel]

I guess I feel like really bummed when my mom is so deeply into her negative victim feelings and it’s hard for me to get out knowing she feels that way. And I think I didn’t notice it before because i made myself really indifferent from it. But it’s the same way I feel like whenever I think my sister is upset. I feel really upset because I can’t separate us. I can’t separate my sisters feelings from me and my moms feelings from me. And that’s why I feel really upset when my mom doesn’t understand me or my sister doesn’t understand me because it makes me feel incredibly invalidated. But not in like a normal valid way, more like BECAUSE I’m codependent on them, it invalidates my feelings if they don’t take them on as their feelings as well

AHHH I just realized I do the same shit as my mom! If you don’t absorb all her feelings and feel them with her than you don’t love her or you’re not truly understanding her or you’re not really empathizing. And I realize I do the same thing. It doesn’t come off as plainly demanding with my mom and my sister bc they are beautiful empathetic souls who try to understand what I’m feeling and that’s why my toxic qualities haven’t come out so plainly bc they’ve never had to. But that’s why I get so freaking frustrated when they don’t exactly articulate my feelings back to me or if they don’t seem emotionally responsive to my emotions. I GET IT. that’s why I feel like the world is against me bc it’s very rare for strangers or coworkers to be emotionally responsive to your personal emotions and it’s not PERSONAL and I’ve told myself this but I didn’t understand how and I’ve begun to understand how little by little over the years and I felt I was doing much better but couldn’t understand why sometimes I felt drowning frustration and drowning impatience. Because I was waiting and expecting them to respond to me in a way where I SEE they are feeling the feelings I’m feeling.

And I’ve been blessed to have a very understanding mom and sister who do mostly understand my feelings but even the other week I told my sister I felt abandoned when I was feeling frustrated bc she didn’t work hard enough to understand what I was trying to say IDK that kinda sounds wrong to me. I was semi aware through the whole thing so I made sure to tell her it was my pain body but there was something weird about it that I couldn’t put my finger on it. But Idk I also don’t know how to not expect emotional mirroring? Maybe it’s nice to have emotional mirroring but not needed

Ugh this is where I start feeling confused. Because I don’t know which way to turn if that makes sense.

But that’s why I feel so shitty right now while my mom is feeling shitty because I feel at an emotional standoff. I can’t go into my own emotions because I feel obligated to feel my moms emotions but since I was a kid I’ve resisted feeling my moms emotions with her but it also capped me from my own feelings and so now that I am finally going back into feeling my own emotions, I’m back at standstill of having to learn to feel only my emotions and not my moms emotions too. AHH I think that’s why I took the indifference route with my mom and my sister for so long and that’s why all I’ve ever wanted was to get the fuck out of the house because I rather run away and stay indifferent than work out how to untangle years of my feelings, my sisters feelings, and my moms feelings. Because I have tried holding people accountable for my feelings and it doesn’t work, I know I’ve ruined relationships with it. And I have tried being indifferent but it isn’t conducive to living am aware and life full of love and beauty.

Now I actually have to face it.