#i want to stay in the school i'm in
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i'm... writing. i'm writing!
#[ π± β blah blah. ]#it's really not good β very incoherent and stiff#but holy fucking shit i'm WRITING#i know it's no good i know i know#but wow. WOW#i know this joy is short-lived#but FUCK you have no idea how good it feels to finally be able to do the one thing that gives my life meaning#i can finally write and critique myself with a clear head#i think i need to just.. talk to my mom too#because i'm thinking of making some changes to my plan#i want to stay in the school i'm in#they really nurture my writing in a way that no one else can#god i am so fucking happy rn it's fucking insane.
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And errr whatever this guy is
#I want to make a lot of things. but making a lot of things takes a lot of work and a lot of time#I love feeling pressured by time !!#I'm young. so I shouldn't feel that way. but time has literally passed by so fast I still feel like I'm 11#that's was years ago bro. I need to remmeber I'm growing up#idk school makes me really tired#I just get so exhausted. even just at the thought of it#school takes away half my days. makes me feel like I have less time#that's why I end up staying awake at night. but I'm tired I don't wanna do that :(#well erm my bday was pretty nice though so yeah it's probably fine#killer sans#horror sans#sans au#utmv#undertale au#i wanna be cool I think to myself#ms paint
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lol not me crying because someone from my program texted me to ask how i was doing and that they hadn't seen me around in a while
#i don't really have any friends here so even getting a text makes me π#like i have 'friends' in the sense that i like most of the people in my program and i'm reasonably certain that almost everyone likes me to#but we're not close and we don't spend time together or anything#all of the people that i was closer with aren't in the program anymore and live elsewhere and they just don't stay in touch#and like i do just get very frustrated because in all of my friendships where one of us has moved away#or even when we're just like at different jobs or stuff so we don't see each other much anymore#i've tried SO HARD to stay in touch and aside from ONE person it always fizzles out despite my best efforts#and i don't think it's anything to do with me or them per se#but just sort of this broad dynamic of how our general society conceptualizes and (de)prioritizes friendship#which isn't what *i* want for *my* friendships#and there's also this dynamic of like. almost every single person in my program has a partner. and i do not.#and like blah blah blah amatonormativity etc#i try really hard not to let my brain twist it all into anything more hurtful than what it is#i know that's life and we're in grad school and everyone's busy etc etc etc#but it does really wear me down to be so alone and lonely literally all of the time#and to end on a lighter note: thank you to all my tumblr pals for being such great pals π₯Ή you are so loved and appreciated π
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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OK troops, time-sensitive poll β I have been left unsupervised w a bookshop gift voucher. What should I get? (They don't have Cyrano de Bergerac in stock so I'm open to suggestions)
tbh there is a chance any number of these are also out of stock... hope springs eternal
U have 7 hours to get yr votes (& suggestions) in before I leave the city. Make me proud! π«‘
#The Count of Monte Cristo#The Night Circus#Lost in the Funhouse#The Menelaiad#The Last Werewolf#books#poll#vignettes de ma vie#for anyone who wants more context:#I have already listened to the original anonymous Monte Cristo translation but I hear Buss's is a bit more modern & I'm curious#The Night Circus is an eternal fave that I still somehow don't own (rlly hoping I can get the cover the one I read in high school had)#rlly want a hard copy of the Menelaiad!! which is a surrealist mindfuck of a take on Menelaos's story during the Homeric epics#& The Last Werewolf is a novel (trilogy) but I actually know it from the eponymous album by The Real Tuesday Weld#the author & the singer are best mates so he wrote him the album as an accompaniment to the novel's story#& I love the album! so I'm keen to find out what the novel contains#meanwhile Cyrano is Cyrano. I stay obsessed. sigh π€πͺΆπ#this bookshop only has that one random WWI adaptation of it rolled up w Antigone which...?? I might read someday???#but I want to start off on more solid classic footing first sfdksglfhdkd. thanks anyway Damien Ryan
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MC: I'd tell him to rest more often.
Zayne: It would be better if you told him to keep it up.
#love and deepspace#love and deepspace zayne#not me working on a high school au edit#i might even write snippets to go with them idk yet#ok but i lowkey want an au where mc and caleb continue growing up alongside and going to school together with zayne#like i can see zayne waiting to walk to school together#caleb would tease mc and upset her#zayne would quietly make little snow/ice figurines to comfort her#he wouldn't skip grades because he would want to stay by her side for as long as he can#the trio would be inseparable#they would have after school snacks together#study sessions#caleb and mc would drag zayne to arcades and tease him for being so studious#he would reprimand them for being too lax in their studies#i just really really really need this au so badly#sighs#i'm gonna have to write it aren't i#π
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god. GOD. people who theorize that sorahiko is nana's husband/kotarou's father... you have some rights. like it's not even just the look (hairstyle), it's also his whole DEAL. it's sorahiko's deal.
like I can see sorahiko saying this to toshinori after nana's death. do you really want to know what heroes are? do you, aspiring pillar of society, symbol of peace, understand what happens when you choose to wear a title instead of a name? you, stranger. you, lost child. you, my student and my sworn friend's successor, the only son I'll see grow up.
kotarou as a father who harms his son. sorahiko as a teacher who harms his student. nana in the limbo, the mother who left her son and the woman who told sorahiko to leave her behind.
sorahiko didn't even want to be a hero in the first place.
#bnha#meta#tw spoilers#shimura nana#shimura kotarou#gran torino#torino sorahiko#shih.txt#shimuras. you gotta love 'em.#I'M DROWNING IN GRAD SCHOOL;;; BUT I STAY SILLY#gran torino why do you still have your license#it's not because you want it. you can't part ways with it.#you can't bear to abandon the last thing you had with nana.#(these are all lines i've copped from the chapter from nana to kotarou re: the picture)
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls π)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello ππ₯Έ
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life π«#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 𫨠like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol π#now i'm like π every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#π#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like π₯² damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms π₯Έπ and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good π«¨π¨#it is sad to not be here as much but also ππ i'm happy to be free at the same time so β¨
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I will never stop believing that Kiriwo is just extremely messed up from childhood neglect and was raised by the wrong people like don't you dare tell me he was born just as bad as he is now
Honestly this is a little projection but he gives off serious behavioural disorder turned personality disorder vibes, or at least some heavy traits of them.
He needs some serious psychiatric intervention and I'll take on that role any time. I'll tell him all about attachment styles and C/DBT techniques and inner child neglect and all of that shit. I'll fix him or I'll die trying
Also this post
I'm not defending any of the bad things he's done at all. But this is a classic example of a "servant of evil" character who had their innocence or trauma warped into something worse by a bigger bad, and I'm just a little too knowledgeable regarding this section of psychology. It's a known fact that detachment from the source that gave you your disordered traits and extinction burst are ways to heal said traits. I just want to see him happy, genuinely happy.
#i don't have the same trauma as him but i guess i know a bit too much about this topic to stay quiet and not want to help#seeing his mom reject him made me fucking rage#i'm just a little projecting cluster b lmao#m!ik#m!ik spoilers#mairimashita manga#mairimashita! iruma kun#mairuma#welcome to demon school iruma kun#ami kirio#ami kiriwo#amy kirio#amy kiriwo
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WHAT BOOTLEG SHOULD I WATCH TONIGHT GUYS?!???!!
#i started be more chill last night but ended up watching mean girls instead#i'll post my list of tbw musicals if wanted#tonight and tmrw night are the last two nights i can stay up till the crack of dawn without facing the consequences of my actions π#school starts WEDNESDAY#i'm gonna CRY i don't wanna go back to school pleaseeeee#anyways yeah π½#musicals#musical#broadway musicals#musical theater#musical theatre#bootleg#musical bootleg#question#open question
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Boggart
Because at 14, everything feels so long and permanent. Especially when the future is uncertain.
Honestly this was inspired by this post asking about your MC's boggart. I always figure that my MC's would fall into a more similar vein like Hermione where her boggart represents more of a symbol/idea.
When read up on reddit on Hermione's boggart was Professor McGonagall, someone pointed out saying that it's more of a symbolic thing when you look into it under a deeper light. With Professor McGonagall saying she failed all her classes, Hermione could get expelled from Hogwarts and get her wand snap. Essentially denying her from the wizarding world.
Since Hermione -a muggleborn witch- wants to belong in the wizarding world (when the muggle world rejected her), she is trying to prove that she deserve to belong in the wizarding world through her grades and by being at the top of her class. Hermione failing her classes could risk her getting kicked out and getting her wand snap. The McGonagall boggart failing her is symbolic of her true fear - belonging no where.
While Hermione a girl trying to belong somewhere and doesn't want to be kicked out, IΓ±aki is a girl who's afraid that she'll never go back home.
What's a more permanent way of saying you aren't returning to your home country by getting a passport (symbolizing that you got naturalized) of your adopted country? More about IΓ±aki "MC" Martinez Cariaga
#Inaki Martinez Cariaga#hogwarts legacy MC#hl mc#hogwarts oc#sebastian sallow#ominis gaunt#hogwarts legacy#IΓ±aki βMCβ Martinez Cariaga#Modern AU...sort of#takes place in the late 2000s#Kay9Leo doodles#I honestly feel for kids who have to move since most of the time they really don't have much autonomy in how their life goes or#where they live and you're just hoping for the best but mentally preparing for the worst. But don't worry!!!#IΓ±aki will eventually get better at belonging at Hogwarts#She'll probably won't become a naturalized Brit but she will end up finding moments that she enjoys while there ^u^#I find it funny as well that MC's fear is Sebastian's joy#Seb doesn't want his new bestie to leave the UK :'(#He'll probably convince her to stay because of the UK free healthcare when he learns about US muggle healthcare system#Too bad obamacare crushes that point for him since MC is now covered until she turns 26#Imagine? He'll be like: Marry me for free healthcare MC? Oh they changed the law so you'll be covered till 26? Would you marry me at 26?#Sadly for him it might only work for uninsured American MCs XD#Do any of you remember those Lisa Frank school supplies and The Dog? They were the fad of the 2000s#I'm mostly excited when MC accidentally starts a Civil War in the school with the girls when she introduces Twilight to Hogwarts ROFL XD#MC is soooo millennial coded lol
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My dignity when I tried to communicate with my new classmates in the group chat and even tried to pull a joke: ππππππππππππ
#ajgsajegsjegjd THEY'RE SO NICE AND FUN PEOPLE#seriously i have never ever done this before#my elementary high school and senior high school years were just me staying silent like a ghost#and now i'm in college and i want to move on from the worst environment i experienced in shs i should try something new#and that is bonding with my new classmates#but my anxiety rouses every time i chat in the gc#ajgdjwdhjwhrjd *reassures self* it's okay this is only the first step
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them ππππ#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up π#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them ππ#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway π#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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Hey do you think Jamil has trouble seeing people his age as peers?
Like, growing up having to be a caretaker to a guy literally a few months older than him, always expected to act like the adult in the situation, expected to work with adults and adopt their perspectives and pick up their slack. Do you think he just, forgets sometimes?
I mean we've seen him go into caretaker mode with other sophomores, and the only people I've seen him take seriously are juniors like Vil who also act much older than they should have to (his reactions to Leona look more like a trauma response and I don't wanna get into it here). People like Malleus and Cater still somewhat get the caretaker treatment. Like I just highly doubt that he subconsciously realizes he's actually part of his age group
Aaand that inevitably brings up Azul, who also acts like he thinks he's older than he is. Whether you're looking at it from a shipping angle or not, he reacts to Azul like an actual peer. With older students, he seems more in his element but there's still a status hierarchy which he compulsively reacts to. With Azul he doesn't acknowledge any status worth respecting or see him as someone who needs to be looked after. He just bickers like an equal, in a way that implies he actually does see Azul as a real peer, like subconsciously he's categorized this guy into the same group as himself, who was previously alone on that level (he gets like this more with the twins too, over time, but it seems to start with Azul).
And my favorite part about this is, while that response stems from them both acting more like adults in general, they elicit a pettiness from each other which drags them both down to actually acting their own age, and I just love that. Their characters are perfect foils for each other and it seems to make them both less isolated in a way.
#idk how to fully explain this thought in the azul department#but other than that its... yeah. forced maturity is so fucking isolating#I'm not surprised the only people he seems to hang around with are the fish even though he claims to hate them#since they seem to be in a similar boat with that#jamil viper#on a more shippy note:#I feel like Jamil NEEDED someone who he didn't feel the need to respect. in order to avoid falling into programmed behaviors#he's able to be a person around Azul in a way that nobody else can give him#specifically because Azul CAN keep up. but doesn't command his respect in any way that his employers would force him to acknowledge#and stubbornly refuses to leave despite Jamil being an asshole in his desperate attempts to feel some sense of freedom and control#which results in him wearing himself out enough to calm down and socialize while actually being treated with respect and equality anyway.#And it seems like Azul needed to find someone that he couldn't just attain or control from behind his own walls#he's desperate for the attention of someone who refuses to let him play the role he's developed to distance himself from others#so he has to treat himself more like a real person in order to get what he wants#which is a guy who challenges him enough to prove that it's not just him and the twins vs the ignorant masses#he's spent so long building himself a fortress of wealth and arrogance to protect him from the rest of the world#and now he's faced with the fact that he can't stay in there and still get what he wants no matter how many well practiced tricks he uses#and suddenly they're both just teenagers bickering in school with a peer like everyone else for the first time in their lives#this got off topic
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I just remembered the existence of these old memes I made few years ago, so here, some meme-
I could clean them but I'm just too lasy
#sssscomic#stand still stay silent#stand still stay silent meme#meme#sssscomic meme#so hello I'm shy but I want to make friend in the fandom#meme is in my ADN btw#I really love meme#I eat meme#one time I made a presentation for school about meme
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