#i want to point out that of the almost 2000 posts on my blog this year

[casscainmainly]

Race and Perception in Batgirl (2000)

This is a companion piece to my two gender posts on Batgirl (2000). There are many interesting takes on race and Cassandra Cain, but most focus on whether she is a 'racist' character or not. This post is not about that, though I think my stance is fairly clear given what my blog is about. Rather than retreading the same ground of whether the conception of Cass is racist (something I might tackle later, because some arguments are flat-out wrong), I want to look at how race actually plays out in Batgirl (2000).

This post focuses on how Cass' Asian identity influences her views on perception, beauty, and agency. As usual, feel free to disagree as I'm not an ethnic or Asian studies expert.

Mask of the Batgirl

We all know and love Cass' iconic Batgirl costume. Besides its distinctive total-blackness, the most interesting aspect is the full-face mask. She is the only Batgirl to cover her face completely - when Stephanie takes over, one of the first things she does is rip the bottom half off.

Skin and external perceptions don't mean the same things to Barbara and Steph as they do to Cass. Cass' entire life is fraught with not just the male gaze, but the White male gaze - her father, David Cain, films her on video tapes, and Bruce later views these tapes (importantly, Cass herself does not get to). These tapes symbolise how her appearance does not belong to herself, but to external White perceptions.

In issue #1, Batman says the following:

"You... are me." Here, Bruce posits that the full-face mask makes Cass more like Bruce. It functions to hide their racial and gendered differences. By covering her face completely, Bruce (and Cass) tacitly suppress her race. Once again, White men are controlling the way she is perceived, something that began with David Cain and continues with Bruce.

Interiority and Exteriority

A common Asian stereotype is that Asians are mechanical - they have no interiority. The common conceptions of Asians as STEM majors and being emotion-deficient all come from this core belief, that Asians are utilities for White people. For Cass, this belief manifests from Babs, Bruce, and David Cain:

Babs says it's hard to care without knowing what's "going on in her head." She cannot connect with Cass' exterior, and finds it hard to imagine what her interior is like. Even worse, Bruce and Cain both argue that Cass belongs to/is like them, almost treating her as property- they reject Cass' own interiority and project theirs onto her, using her as a tool to extend their own identities.

In the early issues, Cass doesn't have an internal monologue. This somewhat reinforces what Babs, Bruce, and Cain all believe about her interiority. However, in issue #5 a White man gifts her the ability to think in language:

This plot point serves to demonstrate Cass' interiority to the reader, but it is another example of a White person choosing for Cass. She didn't get a choice to be raised without language, and she doesn't make the decision to receive it. Both externally and internally, White people control her narrative.

The Shiva Solution

After her newfound language skills impact her ability to fight, Cass encounters Lady Shiva, her future surprise mother. Shiva is the first one to ever acknowledge Cass' race.

Unlike Cain or Bruce, Shiva doesn't say 'you're like me'; she says, "we're a lot alike." She doesn't map herself onto Cass, but finds something they both have in common. By naming Cass' race ("in terms of our coloring") and framing their similarities in this way, Shiva affirms Cass' difference from White people, while providing an alternative solace: Asian solidarity.

Shiva gives Cass her first real choice. It's not exactly a good choice, and it's somewhat coloured by White perceptions (the idea of 'perfection'), but it's still the first major thing Cass gets to decide for herself. She even frames Shiva's path as opposing "Batman's method;" it's the beginning of her path away from White control, towards racialised agency.

It's no surprise, then, that Shiva is the one that helps Cass over her death wish. Not Bruce, not Babs, but Shiva - a literal and metaphorical link to her heritage.

Another Stephanie Brown Segment

As an integral part of Cass' sexual and gendered awakening, Stephanie of course plays a role in Cass' understanding of race. Moving from Puckett's run into issue #38, Stephanie and Cass have this iconic conversation on the rooftop:

I've written before about how this marks the beginning of Cass' foray into gender and sexuality, but this scene has a different meaning when viewed from a race angle. Stephanie is the quintessential American girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes; additionally, she's sexually and romantically experienced. Cass' own Asian appearance, then, may be causally linked to her lack of experience.

When Stephanie comes back as Robin, we have this moment:

Cass is unable to be perceived as non-threatening, helpful, or friendly, while Steph achieves all this with ease. Beyond the differences in temperament (Cass is definitely the spooky scary type), it's also the difference in costuming - Robin's bright colours and majority-unmasked face make for a friendlier appearance than Batgirl. Once again, Cass is unable to control other people's perceptions of her.

It's notable that the majority of Steph's appearances throughout Batgirl end with her leaving Cass on a rooftop. This happens in issues #38, #53, #54, and of course War Games. Their relationship is consistently tenuous, and I think this contributes to Cass feeling like she'll never belong in Steph's world.

Tai'Darshan Turns the Tide

At this point Cass is in pretty bad straits: no one has ever shown romantic attraction to her, Steph is mad at her, and she still doesn't have a full understanding of her race (bar Shiva, she's encountered no other Asians). This feeling of disenfranchisement from both the White and Asian worlds is a very common experience among third culture Asian kids, particularly mixed-race Asians.

Then comes Tai'Darshan, the second major Asian person Cass interacts with.

He is the first person to show romantic interest in her, and asks to "see [her] face." He wants to see her interiority and her skin - Cass' Asian features are now described as something attractive, something worth seeing.

Where Cass is creeped out by Conner's gaze on the boat, she's not similarly affected by Tai'Darshan. She's beginning to understand racialised dynamics, and finding comfort within other Asians rather than her majority-White friends and family.

Both during the fight with Tai'Darshan and the later fight with Bruce, Cass wears these eye-cut-out masks. The eyes are both the site of perception and the site of Asian racialisation, as the most identifiably 'Asian' part of people's faces. By wearing these kind of masks, she's allowing others to perceive her race, reclaiming racialised perception as an act of choice rather than something imposed onto her.

Choosing

In the final arc of Batgirl (2000), Cass sets out to find Shiva. The decision is spurred by this conversation, where Brenda explicitly asks about Cass' race. Everything has been building up to this acknowledgment of Cass' fuzzy origins, a recognition that the uncertainty around her race impacts her ability to achieve full self-actualisation.

Cass rejects Batman's help on the matter, instead going to Onyx:

By going with Onyx, a Black woman, instead of Bruce, Cass is starting on her journey towards racial solidarity beyond Asian communities.

The abrupt ending to Batgirl (2000) kinda cuts off any definitive arc, but I actually think what we have already paints a solid picture. There definitely is a lot more room for explorations into Chinese culture (Spirit World kinda covers this), Cass' relationship to White proximity, interactions with other Asian characters and more. I think her Asian identity deserves more of a spotlight, and I'm hoping more comics in the future delve into it.

[burntheedges-updates]

over again, chapter 1

This is my updates-only blog! Follow me at @burntheedges

Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: you fell in love with Joel Miller in Austin, Texas, in 2001, but you thought you lost him and your whole family in 2003 when the world turned upside down. now it's 2024, and you find the surprise of your life waiting for you in Jackson, Wyoming. or, five times you and Joel fell deeper in love, on both sides of the apocalypse (and one time you did something about it)18+ minors DNI chapter tags/warnings: fluff, flirting, light angst, cursing, no use of y/n, no description of reader (see note below), smallish age difference (reader is 26, Joel is 32/almost 33 when they meet in 2000) (small for this fandom, anyway) (the smut comes later, y'all, we're just getting started here) a/n: Well, here we go! This is part 1. This fic is completely finished. It’s a 5+1 and for some of the 5 parts I’ll post them together (on Sundays) and for some I’ll post them separately (on Sundays and Wednesdays) just due to length. Obviously I'm posting this one early (lol). I’ll tell you whatever the schedule is for the different parts. I've paid a lot of attention to the reader's description in this fic. I've avoided skin color, hair type, body shape/size descriptions, and even clothing (except for one or two spots where you are specifically wearing jeans and boots). You are vaguely shorter than Joel. He does not run his fingers through your hair, and you feel the blood rush to your face or your face heat, but you don't turn red or pink. Please tell me if you notice anything I missed - I want this to be as inclusive as possible. word count: 1724 (for this part) series main post & chapter list | series playlist (w/ plot-related mix) ao3 | chapter 2

Chapter 1: Meet Cute

Jackson, Early Winter, 2023

You’ve been heading northwest from somewhere in Kansas, thinking you’ve never bothered going out this way, even Before, so why not? It’s been months since you saw another person. You’re not even sure the last time you spoke out loud. 

You blame the lengthy isolation for how easily they get the jump on you. 

It's just after dawn when you're rudely awakened - at first, you’re not sure why, but a second kick to your hip sends you scrambling to sit up in your sleeping bag, which is tangled around your legs. Looking around as you struggle, you realize you’re surrounded by people on foot and on horseback. Every single one of them is pointing a gun at you. You glance to the side and realize your backpack along with anything possibly useful inside of it has been kicked away from you. The woman who kicked you has a steely look in her eye that reminds you, in your half awake state, of the last boss you had Before. 

“State your business.” As she speaks you notice the two men closest to her start to fan out a bit, but you don’t dare look away from her.

“I’m just passing through, I’ve been looking for a good place to spend the winter.”

Or, that’s what you would have said, if not for the voice from your past shouting your name in shock just as you open your mouth. “No goddamn way, is that really you?”

You think you must be hallucinating, because everyone you knew Before is dead, but then Tommy fucking Miller pushes his way in front of the woman who spoke. For a moment you can’t do more than stare at each other — him with his gun hanging limply in his right hand, you with your legs still tangled in your godforsaken sleeping bag. Then you launch into motion and start to kick it away as you find your voice. It comes out shaky. Or maybe you’re shaking all over.

“Tommy? But — you’re alive? Where the hell have you been? Wait, are Joel and—“

Tommy cuts you off as he pulls you to your feet and into a tight hug. “Holy shit, we thought you were dead. Holy fucking shit.”

“We? Tommy wait, are they—“

Tommy pulls back, keeping hold of your shoulders as he looks you in the eye. He’s grinning, his eyes wandering all over your face. “He’s alive, sunshine. Or he was when he came through here about a month ago. We’re expecting them back in the spring.”

You can feel your heart racing and your whole body feels hot and tingly. You’re overwhelmed. You didn’t think you could still feel hope like this. It’s terrifying, but you have to know. “He’s- Them? They’re both alive? Sarah?”

You know the answer before he even says anything. Tommy’s face falls, his eyes drop from yours, and you feel it like a sucker punch, as bad as it was the first time around. Your knees give out even though this is what you’ve known, or tried to convince yourself must be true, for 20 years. Tommy falls gently with you to the ground.

Your baby girl. “Oh god, Sarah. And Joel, he must have been—“

“Yeah, sunshine. He thought he lost you both. It wasn’t… well. It wasn’t good.” 

You’re starting to feel numb. You have no idea what your face is doing right now, but judging by Tommy’s, it isn’t pretty. 10 minutes ago you were alone in the apocalypse, and suddenly you’re face-to-face with your almost-brother-in-law and you know, without a doubt, that your fiancé hasn’t been dead this whole time. Is this shock? It’s been 20 years since you felt a shock like this. Since you felt anything like this. 

“Tommy, I… I need to sit down.”

“Well, you are sitting down, sunshine. But get up, gather your stuff. You can come to town with us. Stay as long as you’d like.” You nod, unsteady, and Tommy guides you carefully towards what must be his horse. 

The day passes in a daze. You think you might actually be hallucinating, or still back in your sleeping bag, dreaming, because a whole, functional town? A commune, and a house they’re just going to let you have as your own? A real community? With your only remaining family, miraculously alive? It’s impossible. You float through the rest of the day and find yourself sitting on a bed in a house with indoor plumbing that somehow belongs to you, having just eaten real food in the company of the family you thought you lost 20 years ago.

You give up and go to sleep. (What else are you going to do?)

...

As you settle into life in Jackson, the knowledge that you might see Joel — your Joel, any day now — never leaves your thoughts. It’s like a drum beat at the back of your mind that only repeats his name, marking time every hour of every day. You don’t know how you’ll prepare yourself for it. How could you? You haven’t seen him in 20 years. Anything could be different. You can so easily picture him with a daughter, but it’s Sarah in your mind, not Ellie, who Tommy has told you a bit about. Every time you open those old wounds that you’ve done your best to bury it hurts like the first time. Would he still want you? Still know you? Do you still know him? Would Ellie like you? You can’t imagine not knowing Joel, or Joel not knowing you, but it’s been 20 years and people change. You’ve changed, after all. Some days you barely recognize yourself. 

You express these fears to Tommy once, but he only laughs and says his brother may be stupid but he’s not stupid enough not to want you. It’s reassuring and rude, so, exactly like Tommy. At least some things never change.

The day Joel Miller walks back into Jackson you happen to be standing on the road near the gates, talking to Tommy, and you swear he spots you in less than 5 seconds. It’s like you can’t help but look to each other first, even when you don’t know the other is alive, even when you haven’t seen each other in 20 years. You’d know the shape of him anywhere and your eyes have never stopped looking for it, never stopped catching on a set of shoulders, a cocked hip, a tilted head, only to be disappointed when it faded like a mirage. When the person in front of you didn’t fit the hole he left behind. It hurt every time. Maybe it’s been the same for him. 

Joel looks like he’s seen a ghost, and you have no idea what expression is on your face, but the moment you lock eyes all you see is the moment you first met, almost 24 years ago, like a film negative laid on top of what’s really in front of you. He’s older, of course, but so are you, and he’s still the most handsome man you’ve ever seen.

He steps towards you and whispers your name like a prayer.

Joel fucking Miller. 

Austin, Summer 2000

It was a Saturday morning in late summer, so not yet the hottest part of the day, but not comfortable, either. Your belongings were steadily moving from the truck to your new rental house under your somewhat careful supervision when movement from the house next door caught your eye. You looked up just as one of the guys from the moving company almost dropped your nightstand off the back of the truck, distracting you from the sight of a young girl, maybe about 10, rocketing out of the house next door and down her front steps. She was wearing a bright green soccer uniform.

By the time your nightstand had been righted and you looked back towards your neighbors’ house, she’d made her way to the bushes between your driveways, standing on her tiptoes and taking in all of the commotion. She met your eye and grinned. You grinned back as she called, “Hi, new neighbor!” 

You walked over, stopping on the other side of the bush to introduce yourself. “Hi there, neighbor.” 

It didn’t seem possible, but she grinned even wider. “I’m Sarah, that’s my dad.”

You looked up, realizing there was a man coming down their steps towards the two of you — the most attractive man you’d ever seen in your life. He was tall, with broad shoulders and the look of a man who spent a lot of time in the sun, tan lines peeking out of his shirt sleeves. His brown curls were a bit messy and his shoulders and strong arms drew your eye like a magnet. You caught yourself giving him a quick once over and felt your face start to warm, embarrassed, but when you met his eyes again you caught him doing the same to you. You realized you were both caught and you smiled, introducing yourself. 

“Nice to meet you, darlin’. Joel Miller, and I think you’ve met Sarah.” You felt your face turn hot at the endearment but you knew he probably didn’t mean anything by it. Southern hospitality and all. “Welcome to the neighborhood.”

You’d opened your mouth to respond when you were rudely interrupted by a crashing noise from the moving truck behind you, and you whirled around to see a box on its side on the ground that definitely should not have been. You glanced back at your neighbors as you excused yourself. “It’s great to meet you! Sorry, I need to see what that was.”

They shooed you along before you could even finish your sentence, reassuring you that they understood. “Let me know if anything broke, darlin,’ I’m pretty handy, could probably fix it. It’d be my pleasure.” He smiled at you a bit, just on one side, edging towards a smirk, and you did your best not to stare at his mouth. “Deal,” you agreed, grinning. Both you and Joel seemed unable to draw your eyes away from each other. You were stuck, pinned in place under his gaze until Sarah tugged on his arm and dragged him towards their truck. “Dad, we’re gonna be late!”

The view from the back was just as nice as the front. 

...

a/n: ch 2 is up!

taglist: @morgaussy

[caashmoneynae]

MY MASTERLIST. <- click here for more!

❦

FAMILY AFFAIR.

JOEY BADA$$ x @thatone-girly 🤎

SUMMARY: in which Jo-Vaughn persuades Bianca to go on a family trip with him and their son. little does she know, the trip was a plot to get her back. ✨

❦

"𝗜 𝗟𝗢𝗢𝗞 𝗙𝗢𝗥𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗗 𝗧𝗢 𝗛𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗜𝗡' 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗦𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗦 𝗢𝗙 𝗬𝗢' 𝗙𝗔𝗜𝗟𝗘𝗗 𝗙𝗜𝗥𝗦𝗧 𝗗𝗔𝗧𝗘𝗦 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗬𝗗𝗔𝗬, 𝗚𝗜𝗥𝗟," Bianca chuckled, folding up the clean and dry colored laundry, as she shook her head and Nia laughed at her reaction, "okay, finish the story. tell me how the date ended."

"okay so, after him talkin' about himself the whole date and not even giving me room to talk, reply, add on to what he was sayin' — nothing at all, the waiter came and dropped our bill off. after he paid for our food, this muh'fucka' said "you the quiet type, huh?" and bitch... when i tell you it took everything in me not to yell at that man inside that restaurant with all them white folks in there," Nia exhaled dramatically, curling her ginger hair, as Bianca let out a giggle and folded her cropped tank top, "that man was literally about to have me lookin' like a crazy ass mad black woman! like, nigga, this ain't no Tyler Perry movie!"

"and i'm not bitter. i'm mad as hell!" Bianca mimicked, quoting a line from "Diary of a Mad Black Woman", as she and Nia laughed in sync and Nia slightly jumped from almost burning her hand with her curling iron.

"bathe him, feed him, clothe him... uh, stop makin' those bubbles," Nia quoted, pointing her curling iron at her phone, as Bianca giggled and sat the folded laundry inside the large white basket, picking it up and tucking it under her arm while she grabbed her phone and headed for the staircase, "it's safe to say that i ain't go home with him and i blocked him when i got home. i can't stand a chatterbox ass nigga that don't give me room to talk, B. i'm so glad i drove myself there because i'll be damned if i'ma let him see where i stay."

"preachhh. it's one thing for me to do all the talking and you to talk back or for us to evenly engage in conversation, but it's another thing for you to do all the talking and i ain't got one word in! that shit gets annoyin'," Bianca exclaimed, shaking her head, as she walked into Kamari's — her 5-year-old son — room and sat the laundry basket on his toddler bed, "so, where you 'bout to go? 'cause i know you ain't gettin' dolled up for no reason."

"i'm surprised Joey even let you date with how obsessive he is over you," Nia joked, smirking, as she playfully winked at her phone and Bianca chuckled while she put away her son's clothing, "but i got a brunch date with this lil' white boy on my roster. i ain't never dated outside my race before, so we gon' see how this go."

Joey — also known as Joey Bada$$ or just Jo-Vaughn — was Bianca's baby father and old boyfriend. they were like two peas in a pod until they broke up a week before his tour for his '2000' album started. there was no bad blood in the breakup because the two just felt like they had drifted away from each other and were no longer compatible. they remained friends and still kept in contact with each other since they had a son, and they co-parented so well that most people still thought they were together, which the two of them were grateful for because it kept the media off their backs.

neither of the two wanted to be posted on blogs just because they broke up, so they continued to front for social media like they were still together, even though you could clearly tell they weren't.

despite this, Bianca still tried to branch out and date other men, but it never worked out because Jo-Vaughn would always find a way to chase them away, and sometimes Kamari would chase them away as well. ever since April — specifically, after he dropped his R&B single "Fallin'" — he had been trying to get Bianca back, and so far his attempts had been unsuccessful because Bianca didn't feel a desire to return to him. sure, he was an amazing boyfriend and an even better father, but Bianca believed that the two were better apart than they were together.

as long as their son was happy, she felt no need to return to his father, despite his numerous attempts of trying to romance her and make her his again.

"listen... we don't talk about that, okay? i'm lucky i managed to keep the boy i'm talking to now," Bianca chuckled, shaking her head, as she closed Kamari's closet and shut one of his drawers while she picked up the laundry basket and headed to her bedroom, "and girl, it's like 5 o'clock in the afternoon, what you mean 'brunch'? but okaaaay, i see you with the white boy on ya roster! you better work, Kali!"

"you a whole fool! but like i said, we goin' to brunch, i don't care what time it is and neither does he," Nia laughed, unplugging her curling iron, as she pushed her curled hair behind her shoulder, "and if i know Joey like i think i know him, he gon' run ole' dude off next, trust me. wait, speaking of him, where my nephew? i wanna see lil' KJ before my date, he's my good luck charm."

the "ole' dude" Nia was referring to was Malcolm. he and Bianca had been talking for about two weeks and had been taking things slow since he had just gotten out of a relationship. he was sweet, caring, had manners, and was good with kids since he had two nieces, and that alone made Bianca fall for him harder every day.

there was no doubt in Bianca's mind that Jo-Vaughn knew about Malcolm, but since he had never brought him up, she assumed that he didn't know.

little did she know, she was completely wrong.

"K is with his daddy. you know this week was his week to have him," Bianca chuckled, sitting the laundry basket on her king-sized bed, as she began to put away her clothing, "they should be here in a few minutes tho', the sun 'bout to start settin' in about an hour or so."

"take a picture of him for me and send it to me 'cause i ain't got a few minutes to spare, i got a date to go on," Nia advised, chuckling, as she put away her now cold curling iron and grabbed her phone, "i'ma call you later on tonight to tell you what happens, and if you don't receive a call from me tonight, i got covered in snow."

"Nia, please get off my phone with that shit," Bianca laughed, shaking her head, as Nia giggled and playfully stuck her tongue out at her, "have a good time playin' with ya snowman, Ni'Ni."

"shit, hopefully. bye, mamas!" Nia smiled, waving her goodbye, as Bianca smiled at her and let out a chuckle before waving back to her.

"bye, sunshine." as the call ended, Bianca chuckled at her friend's behavior and she shook her head as she put away her undergarments, tucking them inside a drawer before her doorbell suddenly rang and her head raised at the sound of it.

shutting the drawer, Bianca grabbed the laundry basket and carefully jogged downstairs as she headed to the laundry room, sitting the basket in the corner of the room close by the dryer while she speed-walked to the front door. unlocking and opening the door, Bianca was immediately greeted by Kamari hugging her leg, making the light-skinned woman smile widely while she bent down to pick him up.

"hi, papaaa!" Bianca smiled, wrapping her arms around him, as she kissed his cheek and Kamari giggled in her arms, "you had fun with Daddy this week?"

"yeah! we played gamesss, went out to eattt, and— Mommy, i made some friends at the playground!" Kamari smiled widely as Bianca let out a soft chuckle at his enthusiasm and ran her fingers over his neatly braided black cornrows.

"that's good! i want you to tell me allll about it when i finish talking to ya daddy, okay?" Bianca asked, lowering the toddler back to the ground, as she looked up at Jo-Vaughn and held out her hand, signaling for him to put his backpack in her hand while she grabbed the strap of it and handed it to Kamari, "go upstairs and unpack your bag, and when i'm finished talking, i'll come get you."

"yes, ma'am!" as Kamari excitedly ran off towards the staircase, Bianca and Jo-Vaughn locked eyes, and she noticed a small flirtatious smile on his face, making her let out a soft chuckle.

"why you lookin' at me like that, J?" Bianca asked, chuckling, as she looked up at the 6'1 male and rested one of her hands on her hip.

"i can't look at you?" Jo-Vaughn playfully smirked, running his tongue over his lips, as Bianca raised her brow at him and the two soon laughed in sync, "nah, i'm just playin', girl, how you been?"

"you askin' me this like you didn't see me last week," Bianca chuckled, earning a soft chuckle from her baby father, "but i been good, what about you? and how was Kamari?"

"a week is a long ass time, B. but i been good too, and you know KJ ain't never no trouble. he has his moments when he gets wanna throw tantrums 'cause he can't get what he wants, but other than that, he was good. he spoiled just like his damn mama." Jo-Vaughn chuckled, slipping his hands into his pockets, as Bianca laughed and raised her brow at him.

"who spoiled his mama tho'?" Bianca asked, crossing her arms across her chest, as a small smile crept onto her face and she awaited his answer.

"ya mama and daddy did. that don't got nothin' to do with me 'cause i'on know nothin' about that," Jo-Vaughn jokingly shrugged, looking off to the side, as Bianca laughed and reached out to hit him, making him laugh while he grabbed her wrist, "a'ight, i spoiled you, damn. you out here tryna' get domestic and shit."

"because you lyin' like you ain't used to spoil my ass when we was together. and you wonder why 'Mari so spoiled... nigga, that's yo' doing, not mine." Bianca laughed as Jo-Vaughn laughed with her and let go of her wrist.

"if i have your permission... i wanna spoil you and him again." Jo-Vaughn announced, a smile on his face, as Bianca raised a brow and looked him up and down.

"what you got planned in your mischievous ass mind?" Bianca asked, leaning against the doorway, as she crossed her arms for a second time.

"i wanna take all three of us on a lil' family trip to Orlando. i know lil' man starts Kindergarten next month, so i wanna take him to Disney World before school starts, and i want you to come with us." Jo-Vaughn explained as Bianca glanced down at their feet in deep thought before looking back up at him.

"i'on know about that, Joey. i mean, it'll be good for him, but—"

"B, c'mon, man, you gotta' come with us. it ain't a family trip if he ain't got his mama. don't be like that, baby." Jo-Vaughn pleaded as Bianca cracked a small smile at him referring to her as 'baby' and she let out a soft chuckle.

"i told you about callin' me that, boy," Bianca chuckled as she pushed her black knotless braids behind her shoulder, "but i guess i'll tag along. for him, not for you."

"girl, stop frontin', you know you still love my ass." Jo-Vaughn chuckled, waving her off, as Bianca playfully rolled her eyes and softly chuckled.

"when we leavin'? and at what time?" Bianca asked, raising a brow, as a smile rested on her face and Jo-Vaughn smiled at her.

"tomorrow morning at 8. we flyin' over on my private jet, so go pack you and KJ a bag for the weekend and i'll see y'all tomorrow."

—

"all done, papa," Bianca cooed softly, smoothing the rest of the Vaseline on her hands on Kamari's brown-skinned face, as she gently kissed his nose and let go of his face, "go downstairs and lay on the couch. you can go to sleep until Daddy gets here."

"yes, ma'am." Kamari yawned softly, rubbing his eye, as he stood up from his bed and walked out of his room while Bianca rubbed her hands together to get rid of the excess shine the Vaseline had left.

surprisingly, getting Kamari up and ready at 7 A.M. wasn't as hard as you may have thought it was, and usually, it was difficult for Bianca to get him up early because he wasn't a morning person, but today was different. it was kind of challenging to get him out of his bed, but other than that, things went smoothly, which gave Bianca a slight shock.

nonetheless, she was grateful it didn't take him long because if it did, she most likely wouldn't have time to get herself ready.

walking into her bedroom, Bianca stood at her vanity mirror as she adjusted the zipper on her baby blue romper, her braids up in a ponytail and swinging easily with each movement her head made. while she adjusted her breasts in her top, her phone suddenly began ringing, and she walked away from the mirror as she walked to her bed and picked up her phone beside the packed suitcase, realizing that Nia was calling her and not Jo-Vaughn.

"good morning, sunshine." Bianca smiled, answering the phone, as she walked back over to her vanity and propped up her phone, seeing Nia's face pop up on her screen while she walked to her closet to pick out a pair of slides to put on.

"good morning, mamas— ooh, where you goin'?" Nia asked, noticing her attire and the bag on the bed, as Bianca chuckled and slipped a pair of her white Nike slides on her feet.

"Joey's takin' me and KJ to Orlando. i gotta' keep my voice down because he doesn't know yet, but he wants to take him to Disney World and wanted me to come along so it could be a family trip, so i told him i'd come," Bianca explained lowly, adjusting her feet in her shoes, as she walked over to her phone and noticed a smirk on Nia's face, "what you smirking for?"

"i'm not gon' say nothin' but this: when y'all asses come back from Florida, y'all gon' be back together. mark my words, B. you gon' forget allll about that nigga you talkin' to when you see ya baby zaaaaddy." Nia smirked, making Bianca laugh, as Bianca held onto her phone and shook her head, peeking out of her bedroom window and seeing Jo-Vaughn's car pull up in her driveway.

"whatever you say, Ni'Ni. just because i'm goin' outta' state with him doesn't mean i'ma go back to him. this is for Kamari, not us," Bianca chuckled, walking away from the window, as she walked over to her bed and zipped up her suitcase, "and speaking of him, he just pulled up. so, i'ma talk to you later on. make sure to run me in on what happened with Mr. White Chocolate last night."

"deny it alll you want to, B, i know him and i know you. he ain't gon' stop 'til he gets you back and you bound to fold underneath all that pressure, respectfully. it's only a matter of time, sweetness," Nia chuckled, raising her brow, as she adjusted the bonnet on her head, "but, i got'chu, i'ma definitely run you in when you get time. bye, mamas, have a safe trip."

"bye, sunshine, and thank you. i'll make sure to send you some pictures of your nephew to make your day." Bianca chuckled, smiling, as she pulled her suitcase off of the bed and rested it on the floor.

"you better. or i'ma hop on a plane to Orlando and beat yo' ass." the call ended after Nia's remark, and Bianca laughed at her statement as knocks sounded off at her door, making her smile slightly widen because she knew Jo-Vaughn didn't want to ring the doorbell in case Kamari was asleep.

walking downstairs with her suitcase and phone in her hand and her crossbody purse on her shoulder, Bianca sat the suitcase next to the couch and slipped her phone inside her purse as she walked over to the door and unlocked and opened it, revealing her baby father.

"i'm glad you knocked 'cause he's asleep." Bianca chuckled, stepping to the side and allowing him to come in, as Jo-Vaughn chuckled and cracked a smile at seeing Kamari asleep on the couch.

"i had a feelin' my lil' man was sleepin'." Jo-Vaughn chuckled, carefully scooping the toddler off of the couch, as Kamari gently writhed in his arms and Jo-Vaughn grabbed their suitcase, making Bianca furrow her brows.

"you gon' carry him and the suitcase?" Bianca asked, her facial expression resembling one of confusion, as Jo-Vaughn looked over at her and chuckled at her reaction.

"you carried him for 9 months, the least i could do is carry him to the car," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, making Bianca crack a smile, as Bianca let out a soft laugh and the two headed for the front door, "plus, you know i ain't never let you carry no bags, girl. especially if they heavy. you think just 'cause we not together no more that i was gon' stop doin' that?"

"just a lil' bit." Bianca chuckled, closing the front door, as she locked the door and tucked her keys into her purse while she walked to his car.

"well, you thought wrong, B. i'm a gentleman at heart, pretty girl," Jo-Vaughn flirtatiously smirked, winking at her, as he walked to his car and opened the back door, gently sitting Kamari inside while he buckled his seat belt and closed the door afterward, "and you bet not touch that door handle."

"yes, sir," Bianca joked, quickly putting her hand down since she was already reaching for the door handle, as Jo-Vaughn opened her door for her and Bianca smiled while she climbed into his passenger seat, "i done told you about that flirting, boy. but thank you, baby daddy."

"anytime, baby mama."

—

"ooh, nice jet." Bianca smiled, holding Kamari in her arms while his head rested on her shoulder, as Jo-Vaughn rolled the luggage to the plane and let out a soft chuckle.

"thank you, B. nice things don't come cheap," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, earning a small laugh from Bianca, as the two approached the jet and a man dressed in pilot attire walked out of the door, "B, this is Francis, he gon' be our pilot and our chauffeur when we touch down in Orlando. Francis, this is Bianca, my beautiful baby mama."

"it's nice to meet you, Ms. Bianca. i've heard so much about you," Francis smiled warmly, holding out his hand, as Bianca smiled back at him and shook his hand, keeping one of her hands on the toddler on her chest to keep him from falling, "if you don't mind me asking, who's the little guy in your arms?"

"it's nice to meet you, too! and this is Kamari, our son. he's not a morning person, so you'll probably see him awake once the plane lands." Bianca smiled, chuckling, as Francis smiled at her before his eyes landed on the bags in Jo-Vaughn's hands.

"i'll take those on the jet for you, sir, if you don't mind." Francis offered as Jo-Vaughn glanced down at the bags in his hands before handing them to the pilot.

"i 'preciate that, F. i'll make sure to leave you some tips before the day's over with," Jo-Vaughn smiled, watching him grab the suitcases, as Francis smiled and nodded his head before walking back up the stairs, making Jo-Vaughn look over at Bianca, "ladies first, right?"

"yeah, i'm glad you remember," Bianca joked, jokingly mugging him, as Jo-Vaughn laughed at her and Bianca made her way up the stairs, looking around at the interior of the jet with a smile, "oh, my God, it's gorgeous in here."

"i'm glad you like it. i was hopin' you did," Jo-Vaughn smiled, closing the jet's door behind him, "i know you probably wanna go back to sleep, so there's a bedroom back there for you and him to go. i'ma be back there in a minute."

"yes, baby father." Bianca joked, earning a laugh from Jo-Vaughn, as the two parted their ways and Bianca made her way to the back of the jet, opening the door of the bedroom and walking inside.

"oh, i just know this bed is comfortable as hell." Bianca mumbled to herself, looking at the queen-sized mattress, as she gently laid Kamari on the bed and took off his shoes, sitting them by the door while she took off her slides and placed them by his.

taking off her purse, Bianca sat it on the small wooden table next to the bed and unzipped it as she sat down on the bed and pulled out her phone, checking her notifications and going through them while she heard footsteps come closer to the room.

"made yourself at home?" Jo-Vaughn chuckled, a small smile on his face, as he closed the door and took off his shoes, leaving them beside Bianca and Kamari's shoes while he walked over to the bed.

"somethin' like that," Bianca chuckled, texting Nia back, as she turned off her phone and slipped it back inside her purse, "i can't wait to sleep on this comfortable ass bed. you picked a good ass mattress, J."

"you gon' be complimentin' me all day, huh?" Jo-Vaughn questioned, chuckling, as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and sat it on the other small wooden table on his side of the bed, "we got about a 4-hour flight anyways, so you'll be well-rested before we land."

"i just might, depending on what other surprise you got up yo' sleeve," Bianca chuckled, putting her legs on the bed, as she carefully grabbed Kamari and laid him between her and Jo-Vaughn, "and shit, i hope so. with how comfortable this bed is, it feels like i'm layin' on clouds."

"yeah, and you wonder why i bought it," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, laying on his back, as he rested his arms underneath his head and closed his eyes, "goodnight, baby mama."

Bianca chuckled softly and lay on the bed as she laid on her right side and her eyes gradually shut, "goodnight, baby daddy."

—

"Mommyyyy, wake up!" the sound of Kamari's enthusiasm-filled voice rang through Bianca's eardrums and she felt his dainty hands shake her by the shoulders, making a smile slowly spread across her face while her eyes fluttered open, "we're hereeee!"

Bianca's eyes locked onto her widely smiling child and she looked around the room to spot Jo-Vaughn, but he was nowhere to be found. assuming he was in the cockpit with Francis, Bianca let out a giggle at Kamari shaking her again, despite her being fully awake, and she wrapped her arms around his body while she sat up.

"your daddy told you where we were goin', huh?" Bianca asked, chuckling, as she smiled at the elated toddler and Kamari nodded his head eagerly.

"yes, ma'am. he told me we're going after we stop at the hotel." Kamari smiled, resting his hands on her shoulders, as Bianca reached into her purse and grabbed her phone.

"you know the name of the hotel, papa?" Bianca asked, turning on her phone, as she checked her notifications and Kamari played with the ends of her braids.

"yeah, but... i don't know how to say it. Daddy told me i said it wrong." Kamari explained, occupying himself with her hair, as Bianca chuckled and went through her unread messages, seeing some texts from Nia and Malcolm.

"it's the Waldorf Astoria hotel," Jo-Vaughn chimed in, walking into the room, as Bianca glanced up at him and Kamari looked back at him, "i was stuck between choosing that one and the Ritz-Carlton, but i made my decision about two nights ago."

"aren't both of those expensive 5-star hotels? don't be spendin' all that money at one time, J, i told you about that." Bianca advised, shooting a text to her friend and her talking stage, as she turned off her phone and slipped it back into her purse.

"as long as i'm makin' you and my son happy, i don't care 'bout nunna' that, B. and you know that," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, walking towards the bed, as he plopped down on his stomach beside Bianca and Kamari, "plus, it ain't like i'm not gon' get it back. the money flow don't stop, baby. ain't that right, K?"

"yeah!" Kamari smiled, watching his father raise his hand, as Kamari gave him a high five and Jo-Vaughn smiled at him while Bianca let out a laugh.

"you two are gonna be the death of me one day," Bianca chuckled, untying the black durag on Kamari's cornrows, as she removed the rag from his head and ran her fingers over his scalp, "where's Francis?"

"he went to go get the Rolls Royce so he can drive us to the hotel." Jo-Vaughn explained, watching Bianca slip their son's durag in her purse, as Bianca's brows furrowed and she looked over at him, playfully tugging at the gold hoop in his ear before reaching to remove his stocking cap.

"Jo-Vaughn, how much money have you spent?" Bianca asked, raising a brow, as she removed his stocking cap from his low-cut hair and ran her fingers over it while one of her acrylics slid through the side-parted cut in his hair.

"i'm not tellin' you all'at... you gon' be tryna' whup me." Jo-Vaughn defended, chuckling, as Bianca playfully rolled her eyes and the sound of a car horn sounded off from outside, causing Bianca to glance out of the bedroom door.

"Daddy, what's a Rolls Royce?" Kamari asked cluelessly, watching Jo-Vaughn get up from

the bed to grab his shoes, as Kamari climbed off of Bianca's lap and sat at the end of the bed so his father could put his shoes on.

"it's a car, little one," Jo-Vaughn explained, crouching down in front of him, as he grabbed one of Kamari's feet and slipped his shoe on, "remember when you saw that car on TV with the stars on the ceiling?"

"it's one of them?" Kamari asked in awe, his eyes lighting up, as Jo-Vaughn put on his other shoe and looked up at him with a small smile before nodding his head, "i wanna see!"

"Mr. Scott, i've prepared the car!" the sound of Francis's voice caused electricity to run through Kamari's little body, and he hopped off of the bed and ran out of the room as his eyes locked on Francis, who was standing by the door of the jet.

"Mr. Francis, does the car really have stars on the ceiling?" Kamari asked, smiling widely, as Francis looked down at him and smiled at his ecstatic face.

"yes, it does, little man. you wanna see?" Francis smiled as Kamari jumped up and down in excitement and quickly nodded his head.

"yes, please!" Kamari exclaimed excitedly as he and Francis left the jet, leaving Jo-Vaughn and Bianca there by themselves.

"his lil' ass gon' be bouncin' off walls all day long," Bianca chuckled, grabbing her purse, as she stood up from the bed and walked towards the door of the bedroom to slip on her shoes, "and i don't know how many times i gotta' tell you to stop callin' me pet names, especially in front of 'Mari. he's young, he could get confused."

"ain't nothin' for our lil' man to be confused about. his daddy loves his mama, that's all that is," Jo-Vaughn declared, a small smirk on his face, as Bianca slipped on her shoes and attempted to walk past him but Jo-Vaughn stopped her by wrapping his arm around her waist, "and i ain't stoppin' 'til i get you back, B, i told you that. you can resist it all you want, but by the time this trip ends, you gon' be all mine again, shorty."

Bianca stared into his eyes and her body tingled from his touch as she rested her hands on his chest and thought about pushing him away, but she soon got lost in her thoughts instead of acting upon them. his words sounded eerily similar to the words Nia had spoken to her this morning, and it made her wonder if Nia secretly was in on what Jo-Vaughn had planned, but knowing how Nia is, she wouldn't admit it unless it worked in her favor.

sooner or later, Bianca would eventually cave into Jo-Vaughn's advances. since the two were together for a few years, he knew all of her weaknesses, and he could easily use them to his advantage, which made Bianca slightly nervous.

one usage of one of her "worst" weaknesses, and she was bound to be bent over in their hotel room at the end of the night.

"whatever you say, Joey," Bianca mumbled, breaking their eye contact, as she felt

butterflies in her stomach and lightly removed his arm from around her, "stop tryna' romance me and let's go. Kamari ain't gon' be occupied with those stars for that long, J."

Jo-Vaughn chuckled and cracked a smile as he followed behind Bianca and the two made their way to the exit of the jet, his eyes trailing down her figure and stopping at her ass while he ran his tongue over his lips, "you got a point... but i know what can occupy me."

"Jo-Vaughn, i'ma slap yo' nasty ass with my purse."

—

"this room is beautiful... you really outdid yourself with this, J." Bianca chuckled, smiling, as the three walked into the hotel room and Kamari immediately took off running down the short hallway.

"i had to get the best for you and KJ, so i got a luxury suite. there's two bedrooms in here, a master bedroom and a kid's bedroom, so—"

"wait. one master bedroom?" Bianca asked, her brows furrowing, as Jo-Vaughn looked over at her and nodded his head, "so i gotta' share a bed with you?"

"you got a problem with sleepin' next to me, B?" Jo-Vaughn asked, chuckling, as the two made their way down the hallway and walked into the master bedroom that was across from the kid's bedroom.

"i'd rather sleep on the couch—"

"Bianca, if you think i'm lettin' you sleep on the couch, you must not know who you had a baby by," Jo-Vaughn cut her off as he sat their suitcases on the king-sized bed, "you not 'bout to sleep on that couch when this bed is sittin' right here, you heard? i'on know what typa' man you think i am, but i ain't the typa' man to let his lady sleep on the couch."

a sly smirk crossed Bianca's face at him fussing at her for wanting to sleep on the couch, and butterflies filled her stomach for a second time as she dropped the smirk from her face once she saw Jo-Vaughn look back at her and the two locked eyes while Bianca crossed her arms.

"yes, baby father," Bianca jokingly grouched, playfully rolling her eyes at him, as Jo-Vaughn chuckled at her and Bianca walked out of the room to check on Kamari, "Kamari Jahlil, stop jumpin' on this bed!"

Bianca laughed at seeing Kamari bounce on his bed and he giggled at her fussing at him as he slid off of the bed and walked over to Bianca, holding his arms up and signaling for her to pick him up.

"you wanna go look at the view with Mommy?" Bianca asked, smiling, as she picked him up and sat him on her hip while Kamari nodded his head and the two made their way to the living room.

opening the sliding door to the balcony, the summer breeze gently slapped the two in the face as they stepped onto the balcony, looking out at the clear blue sky and the warm sunlight shining over the sand and ocean across from them.

"it's pretty." Kamari spoke softly in awe, his dark brown eyes watching the sun reflect on the ocean, as Bianca smiled and nodded her head, removing her braids from underneath Kamari's arm and feeling them sway behind her head.

"it really is, papa," Bianca smiled as she heard footsteps behind her and looked over her shoulder, seeing Jo-Vaughn standing in the living room with his phone pointed towards her, "are you recording us?"

"maybe," Jo-Vaughn smiled, playfully winking, as he posted the video to his Instagram story with his song "Fallin'" attached to it and stuffed his phone into his pocket, "y'all ready to go to Disney World or y'all just gon' stand there and look at the view the whole trip?"

"i'm ready!" Kamari exclaimed, smiling, as he jumped down from Bianca's arms and ran over to Jo-Vaughn, making both of the adults laugh while Bianca walked inside and closed and locked the sliding door behind her.

"okay, Spongebob Jr, let's get you to Disney World."

—

"bye, Mickey!" Kamari smiled, waving goodbye to the employee in the Mickey Mouse costume, as the employee waved back to him and Bianca smiled at the sight, holding into his small hand while he clutched three of her fingers since her hand was too big to hold.

not only was the trip to Disney World enjoyable to Kamari, but Bianca and Jo-Vaughn enjoyed themselves as well. the family of three road rides together, took pictures, and even indulged in some of the food they had. despite underestimating how much fun she'd have, Bianca was starting to become grateful she agreed to come on the trip. though it was only for Kamari, she managed to enjoy herself as much as he did, and the smile on her face was almost as big as his.

though Kamari looked like Jo-Vaughn, it was safe to say that he and Bianca shared more mannerisms than he did with his father.

"you enjoyed yourself, papa?" Bianca asked, smiling, as she adjusted the Mickey Mouse ears on his head and the charm bracelet Jo-Vaughn bought for her at the gift shop jingled on her wrist with each movement her hand made.

"yeah! Daddy, can we go back one day?" Kamari smiled widely, looking up at his father, as Jo-Vaughn looked down at him and adjusted the matching Mickey Mouse ears on his head while he smiled at him.

"we can back for ya birthday next year, deal?" Jo-Vaughn offered, raising one of his thin brows, as he lowered his right hand down to him since he was holding onto his left one and held out his pinky finger, making Kamari's smile widen while his dimples poked through his cheeks and he locked his pinky finger with his.

"deal!" Kamari smiled as he and Jo-Vaughn gave each other a high five and Kamari looked up at Bianca while he held his pinky finger up to her, "Mommy, you're coming too, right?"

"of course, 'Mari. i wouldn't miss it for anything in the world." Bianca smiled, lowering her left hand down to him since he was holding onto her right one, as she locked her pinky around his and Kamari giggled in delight, the two sharing a high five while they approached the white Rolls Royce that Francis was sitting in.

"what else you got planned, J?" Bianca asked, averting her attention to her baby father, as she fixed one of her braids underneath her Minnie Mouse ears and Jo-Vaughn looked over at her, causing the two to make eye contact.

"you like boats?" Jo-Vaughn questioned, a small smirk on his face, as Bianca raised her brows and let out a soft chuckle in shock, watching him open the car door for her while Kamari slipped inside the backseat.

"Joey, you didn't." Bianca spoke in disbelief, getting into the seat next to Kamari, as Jo-Vaughn chuckled at her reaction and closed her door, walking over to his side and opening his own.

"i definitely did," Jo-Vaughn smirked, getting inside the vehicle, as he closed the door behind him and gave Kamari his Donald Duck plush while he looked up at Francis in the driver seat, "yo, Francis, you remember that boat dock i was tellin' you about two days ago? i need you to take me there."

"right away, sir."

—

"Jo-Vaughn!" Bianca gasped, her jaw dropping at the sight of the boat, as she looked over at him and noticed a wide smile on his face, "this is... oh, my God, it's so pretty!"

"and before you ask me about the price, i ain't buy it. i rented it for the day," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, holding Kamari in his arms, as the driver of the boat appeared before them and Jo-Vaughn bent down to dap him up, "wassup, bro. Bianca, this my homie Alejandro, he gon' be drivin' the boat for us. Al, this is my baby mama Bianca and our son Kamari."

"ah, so you the girl i hear him talk about often. it's nice to meet you," Alejandro smiled, his Spanish accent heavily audible in his speech, as he shook the woman's hand and looked over at Kamari before holding his hand up to give a high five, "hey, little guy."

"hi," Kamari smiled softly, giving him a high five, as he heard the sound of a dog barking and his eyes lit up, "you have a dog?"

"a baby French Bulldog, to be exact. you wanna see her, buddy?" Alejandro asked, smiling, as Kamari nodded his head and looked at his parents for permission, the both of them nodding their heads while Jo-Vaughn lowered him down onto the boat.

"Mala don't bite, do she?" Jo-Vaughn asked, holding onto Bianca's hand, as Bianca cautiously stepped down from the dock and into the boat.

"nah, she's a sweetheart. i made sure to train her well so she wouldn't attack non-threatening people," Alejandro assured as Jo-Vaughn stepped down into the boat and the sound of dog claws hitting the ground got closer to them, making the four of them look back and see the 2-month-old gray French Bulldog approaching them, "Ms. Bianca and Kamari, this is Mala, my dog."

Kamari smiled at the sight of the dog and approached the animal as Mala sat in front of him and looked up at him, watching him lower his hand down to her head while he pet her. Mala leaned into Kamari's hand and Bianca smiled at the sight as she pulled out her phone and started recording, making sure to get the adorable sight on camera so she could send it to her best friend.

"if you'll excuse me, i'll go start the boat."

—

"so you talk about me, huh?" Bianca asked, smirking, as she looked over at Jo-Vaughn and Jo-Vaughn chuckled, looking over at her while his arm rested behind her.

"it's hard not to talk about a woman that's heaven-sent," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, running his tongue over his lips, as he looked down at the floor of the boat and watched Kamari pet Mala, who was half-asleep in his small lap, "i still talk to my friends and my mama about you."

"Mama Scott still asks about me?" Bianca asked, her eyes lighting up at the mention of her ex-mother-in-law, as Jo-Vaughn looked over at her and nodded his head, a small smile creeping onto his face once he noticed the sparkle in her eyes.

"mhm. she still calls you her daughter-in-law," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, a smile on his face, as Bianca cracked a smile and looked out at the view, "when i told her i wanted to get you back, she told me she believed in me because she knew how much i love you. she told me "a man who truly loves a woman will fight for her", and it made me realize how much i care about you because i haven't given up on us."

Bianca felt butterflies flutter in her stomach for a third time and she looked over at him as the two stared into one another's eyes, their pupils dilating in love while Bianca's smile slightly widened. though she was talking to another man and going on dates with him, nobody could ever compare to Jo-Vaughn, and she knew this. she couldn't love another man as much as she loved him, but she had no shame in trying to see if she could find love in another person.

the men she dated after Jo-Vaughn were sweethearts and so was the one she was talking to now, but with how much time and effort Jo-Vaughn put into pursuing her, it seemed as if trying to date other men was practically a waste of time.

without either of them realizing it, their faces had gotten closer to one another's, causing Bianca's breathing to slightly speed up, and before the two could share a kiss, Jo-Vaughn moved his face back from hers, a small smirk on his face while he watched her mindlessly squeeze her thighs together.

"this motherfucker here." Bianca thought, feeling a pulse between her legs, as she wiped her sweaty palms on her romper and watched the man look out at the view.

"the view's nice, ain't it?" Jo-Vaughn complimented, changing the topic, as Bianca slyly pulled out her phone and opened her camera.

"it really is," Bianca added, glancing up at the scenery, as she raised her phone, "pose for me real quick."

looking back at her, Jo-Vaughn noticed the phone in her hands and he chuckled as he posed, making Bianca smile while she took the picture and went to her camera roll to see how it turned out.

"ooh, who that is? he look like he the man." Jo-Vaughn joked, a playful grin on his face, as he looked at the photo and Bianca laughed while she shook her head at him.

"don't get cocky, Joey."

—

"can i have a dog like Mr. Al?" Kamari asked, looking up at his parents, as the adults chuckled and Jo-Vaughn unlocked the door to the hotel room, opening the door and letting Kamari and Bianca walk in first while he walked in behind him.

"if you're good, i might buy you one for Christmas," Jo-Vaughn chuckled, closing the door behind him, as he watched Kamari walk down the hallway and Bianca walk over to the couch, "don't neither of y'all get too comfortable 'cause we leavin' in a minute."

"leaving? where we goin'?" Bianca asked, her brows furrowing, as Kamari peeked around the corner and looked at his father in slight confusion mixed with excitement.

"we gotta' eat, right? so i'm takin' y'all to The Palm." Jo-Vaughn smiled as Bianca's face dropped and her brows raised while Kamari's little brows furrowed and he looked between his parents.

"what's The Palm?" Kamari asked, leaning against the wall, as Bianca looked over at him.

"it's a fancy restaurant, papa," Bianca answered as she turned her attention back to Jo-Vaughn, "and it's extremely expensive. you don't listen to me at all when i tell you not to spend so much money, do you?"

"it's for a good cause, ain't it?" Jo-Vaughn asked, raising his brows, as Bianca playfully rolled her eyes at him and Jo-Vaughn chuckled at her, "now you and K go get dressed."

"Joey, i didn't pack anything that would fit the atmosphere of a fancy restaurant—"

"who said anything about what you packed?" Jo-Vaughn asked, a small smirk on his face, as Bianca's brows furrowed in confusion and Jo-Vaughn's smirk widened at the sight, "go look on the bed in our bedroom, B."

Bianca stepped away from the couch and made her way down the short hallway with Kamari by her side and Jo-Vaughn walking behind her as she walked into the bedroom and saw three dry-cleaners bags on the bed, a shoebox on top of each bag and making a wide smile cross Bianca's face while she looked back at Jo-Vaughn.

"what's all this?" Bianca asked, smiling, as Kamari walked over to the bed and ran his tiny fingers on the small bag of clothing, lightly tilting his head at it to see if he could make out what was in the bag.

"i had Francis go pick up some clothes and shoes for me while we was on the boat. while you and K walked down the dock, i was talking to him about restaurants i could take y'all to and he told me about The Palm. as you could tell by the three bags and boxes, i ain't pack no appropriate clothes for a fancy restaurant either," Jo-Vaughn explained, chuckling, as Bianca approached the bed and her eyes lit up once she realized the bag in the middle had a dress in it, "the first one's mine, the second one's yours, and the third one's KJ's."

"now, for the second time, get dressed." Jo-Vaughn playfully smirked, raising his brow, as Bianca and Kamari looked at each other before looking over at Jo-Vaughn.

"yes, sir!"

—

"...it takes time to look this good and you rushin' me?" Bianca exclaimed from the bathroom, adjusting her ponytail, as she pushed up her breasts in her dress and made sure her areolas and nipples were covered and not slipping out, hearing footsteps approach the bathroom door and immediately recognizing whose they were.

though Bianca was slightly taken aback by Jo-Vaughn remembering what size she wore in clothes and heels, she couldn't lie and say that he didn't have good taste. he knew what looked good on her, and it was evident due to the dress he had Francis purchase.

"girl, if you don't—" Jo-Vaughn cut himself off once he saw her and a smile crept onto his face as he analyzed her from head to toe and licked his lips at the sight of her, "i knew you'd look good in that dress."

"i'm surprised you still remember what size i wear." Bianca chuckled, adjusting the silver 'B' necklace around her neck, as she picked up her silver hoops and put them in her ears, her eyes landing on Jo-Vaughn through the mirror while she slightly smirked at seeing him be memorized by her appearance.

"i remember everything about you, B." Jo-Vaughn admitted, admiration shining in his tone, as Bianca's heart fluttered from his words and she looked away from his reflection in the mirror, looking back at herself and watching a big grin spread across her face.

"you do?" Bianca asked, grinning, as Jo-Vaughn looked at her through the mirror and nodded his head, "so, you remember how i reacted when you told me that "Love Is Only a Feeling" was about me?"

"man," Jo-Vaughn laughed, shaking his head, as Bianca laughed and turned to face him, "you cried like a baby when i sang that shit to you. i ain't know whether to keep singin' or hold you."

"and you did both. i still remember that moment," Bianca smiled, chuckling, as Jo-Vaughn smiled at her and Bianca soon started blushing, making her break their eye contact while she turned off the bathroom and grabbed Jo-Vaughn's hand, "now c'mon and let's go eat. i know K's probably hungry as hell sitting in the living room in his lil' tuxedo."

—

"you put 'Mari to sleep?" Bianca asked, walking out of the bathroom, as Jo-Vaughn stood by his side of the bed and put his phone on the charger, laying it on the bedside table while he looked up at her.

"yeah, i just laid him down. after he went to sleep, i took a shower in the other bathroom so i wouldn't bother you," Jo-Vaughn explained as his eyes scanned her attire before locking on her oversized shirt, "you still sleep in my shirts?"

"i never stopped. you left some of your shirts at my house, so i kept wearing 'em." Bianca chuckled, earning a smile from Jo-Vaughn, as she walked over to her side of the bed and grabbed her phone changer from her bedside table, plugging her phone up and sitting it down.

though Bianca scolded Jo-Vaughn about how much money he's spent, dinner was probably her favorite part of their eventful day. the family of three conversed, ate, and still managed to have smiles on their faces. after they ate, Kamari had gotten sleepy, and he ended up falling asleep in the car on the way back to the hotel, which resulted in Jo-Vaughn carrying him up to the room and giving him a bath before putting him to bed.

Bianca's bath had left her relaxed and refreshed, and all she could think about was crawling into bed and heading straight to sleep, but with Jo-Vaughn around, she knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"i remember one time i came home from tour and saw you wrapped up in one of my hoodies." Jo-Vaughn chuckled, smiling, as Bianca laughed and walked over to the vanity near Jo-Vaughn's side of the room, sitting down on the cushioned chair in front of the mirror while she grabbed her head scarf.

"i was lonely and it smelled like you, okay? don't bully me for that." Bianca laughed, wrapping her scarf around her scalp, as Jo-Vaughn chuckled and walked towards the end of the bed, sitting down on it while he looked at her with love in his eyes.

"i miss you, girl." Jo-Vaughn spoke with an unintelligible tone in his voice, a small smile on resting his face, as Bianca looked at him through the mirror she was sitting in front of and ran her fingers through her braids.

"how can you miss me when i'm right here?—"

"nah, B, i'm talking 'bout when we was together. i miss us. i miss how shit used to be. i know we ended on good terms, but sometimes i can't help but to think about what would've happened to us if we didn't grow apart. you would've probably been my wife by now," Jo-Vaughn admitted as Bianca's eyes broke his eye contact and looked down at her lap, "i miss hearin' you call me all them cute nicknames. i miss kissin' you, holdin' you, spendin' time with you... i miss being with you, B. not being with you feels like a part of me is gone and there's a void in my heart. you're the missin' piece of my puzzle piece, girl. without you, i'll always remain incomplete."

"Jo-Vaughn..." Bianca spoke softly, searching for words to form a proper response, as she looked up at him through her mirror for the second time, letting her eyes tell the story her mouth couldn't say.

"i know you miss me too, B. you been frontin' for too long and i can see through all'at shit," Jo-Vaughn added, standing up from the bed, as he walked closer to Bianca and stood beside her, "but there's one thing standin' in my way of gettin' to you, and i know you know what it is."

Bianca parted her lips to speak but no words exited her mouth as she looked up at Jo-Vaughn, confusion filling her mind before it abruptly clicked that he was talking about Malcolm. Bianca's mouth shut at the realization and she swallowed the lump growing in her throat as she watched Jo-Vaughn's demeanor change and she wiped her now sweaty palms on her thighs.

"h...how do you know about him?" Bianca asked, her voice as low as a whisper, as Jo-Vaughn chuckled and cupped her face in his hand, rubbing her cheek with his thumb while he leaned down to her.

"you think Kamari not gon' tell me 'bout the nigga you been bringin' around him?" Jo-Vaughn questioned, raising a brow, as goosebumps spread across Bianca's body and her throat became dry, "you forgot that you mines, mama? hm? or do i gotta' remind you?"

Bianca gently gripped her knees to keep herself poised and her breathing turned irregular as she looked up at her baby father and swallowed the second lump growing in her throat before parting her lips to speak, "...remind me."

—

Bianca's eyes rolled back as the bed rocked underneath her, a pillow wedged between the headboard and the wall to keep from making too much noise. Jo-Vaughn's hand rested on her mouth to silence her loud noises and the arch in her back deepened at feeling him roughly smack her ass, making her whimper in his palm while he grabbed a handful of her braids and pulled her back to his chest.

"you been frontin' all day, baby. now look at you. being a good girl and takin' this dick how you 'posed to," Jo-Vaughn cooed, a small smirk on his face, as he let go of her hair and rested his hand on one of her breasts, teasing and tugging at her nipple while he kissed her earlobe, "you missed me, pretty?"

"y-yes! oh, God, baby, don't stop!" Bianca whimpered against his palm, gently wrapping her hand around his wrist, as she rested her other hand on top of the one on her breast and her brows furrowed while her nipples hardened against Jo-Vaughn's touch.

who would've known that this would've been the end result of their first day on their family trip? Jo-Vaughn might've known and Nia knew off the bat, but Bianca? poor Bianca was clueless about what was to come later on.

"youn' know how bad i been missin' you, B. how much i craved havin' you like this again. i missed hearin' you call out for me and moan my name while i gave you this dick like my life depended on it. i missed feelin' you hold on to me as tight as you could because i was overstimulatin' you and you couldn't take it. i missed watchin' those tears roll down your face as i hit that spot," Jo-Vaughn spoke explicitly in her ear, kissing her earlobe, as he sneakily slid deeper and Bianca let out a squeal against his hand, "hearin' you say my name gives me the best ego boost of my fuckin' life, mama. the way you moan it, whimper it, whine it, cry it out, drag it out... the way it rolls off your tongue could make a nigga buss right then and there."

"Jo-Vaughnnnn..." Bianca whined, her hips slightly bucking at feeling him thrust from a different angle, as she gently squeezed his wrist, "you m-make me feel so g-good, Daddy..."

"just like that, baby. say my name just like that. you look so pretty when you say that shit," Jo-Vaughn groaned in her ear, lightly tugging at her earlobe with his teeth, as the speed of Jo-Vaughn's strokes sped up and Bianca's eyes rolled back for a second time, "you got me hooked on you, girl. and you think i'm gon' let another nigga experience this? you got me fucked up, B."

"can't no other nigga make you feel the way i make you feel, and you know that. so for you to prance around with all these niggas on ya arm like they could even top me is some fuckin' bullshit, yo," Jo-Vaughn growled, removing his hand from her mouth, as he wrapped his hand around her neck and roughly squeezed the sides of it, "they can't make you cum like i can, make you moan like i can, make you run from the dick like i can, make you squirm like i can, make you cream like i can... shit, them niggas can't even eat this pussy like i can, baby. can't none of these muh'fuckas' compare to me, and you know that, shorty."

"you let them niggas in my pussy? huh?" Jo-Vaughn asked, his tone aggressive, as he turned her head towards him, "and look at me when i'm fuckin' talkin' to you, shorty. show me those pretty brown eyes."

"n-no, Daddy, i swearrrr! i-i swear, i didn't give 'em yo' pussy," Bianca whimpered, her submissive gaze locking with his dominant one, as she bit down on her bottom lip to suppress her moans and she felt herself become wetter from his possessiveness, making a feeble whimper come from her lips while her eyes fluttered a bit, "i-i was keepin' it t-tight for you, baby..."

"aw, you kept it tight for me, princess?" Jo-Vaughn smiled sadistically, shoving his inches deeper inside of her walls, as Bianca's jaw dropped and no sound exited her mouth while she vigorously nodded her head in response, "you ain't let ya old niggas hit? not even ole' dude you with now? — and you know exactly who i'm talkin' 'bout, so don't play crazy. i'm glad he ain't get to experience it... shit, he wouldn't be able to handle all this good ass pussy even if you offered it to him."

"well guess what, B? i'm comin' back for good, so let that nigga know all this shit mine," Jo-Vaughn growled, smacking her ass and leaving a red handprint behind, as Bianca felt his tip aggressively smash into her g-spot and she gasped, her grip suddenly tightening on him while her brows furrowed, "make any type of loud ass noise and i promise you i'll leave you here wet and horny without a single orgasm."

Bianca quickly covered her mouth and her eyes rolled back as her inner thighs began tingling, pleasure coursing through her veins while she felt herself slowly being pushed into overstimulation. tears pricked at her eyes and muffled moans and cries fell from her covered mouth as her headscarf slipped off her head and onto the bed, making her quickly grab it and toss it on the floor so it wouldn't be covered in her juices.

"babyyyy," Bianca whined, her brows furrowing, as she rested her hand on Jo-Vaughn's toned lower abdomen and attempted to push him away, "i-i can't—"

"mm-mm, move yo' hand, baby. you know you can handle this dick, c'mon now. look at how good you creamin' around it, princess, and you tellin' me you can't take it?" Jo-Vaughn questioned, a smirk on his face, as he raised his brow at the woman and watched her slowly retreat her hand from his stomach, making his smirk widen while he watched her body temple, "there you go, mama, look at you. takin' this dick like a big girl. i knew you could do it, you takin' all of it so good."

"it's s-so muchhh," Bianca cried, tears slipping down her cheeks, as a sadistic smile found its way onto Jo-Vaughn's face for a second time and he lightly tilted his head at her, "y-you hittin' my spot, Daddyyy..."

"i wish you could see how pretty you look right now. tears rollin' down ya face, hand coverin' ya mouth, eyes unfocusin' and rollin' back... you look so fuckin' good with that fucked-out look on ya face, mama," Jo-Vaughn cooed, biting down on his bottom lip, as Bianca's legs began to tremble and her cream and wetness began coating her inner thighs due to how rapidly it was oozing out of her, "i'm the luckiest muh'fucka' ever, mama. as long as i got you, i'll be the happiest nigga on the plant. this fame and fortune don't mean shit to me if i ain't got you to share it with. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Bianca. and i'll be damned if i gotta' stand by and watch another nigga experience the way you make me feel. i love you too much to let that shit just ride past me."

"i-i love you so much more, Jo-Vaughn," Bianca moaned, both of her hands now covering her mouth due to how much intense pleasure was hitting her at once, as her eyes rolled back for the millionth time and she tossed her head back onto Jo-Vaughn's broad shoulder, "o-oh, my God, i'm 'bout to cum!"

"tell me you mines and i'll let you cum. c'mon, let me hear those words leave those pretty lips," Jo-Vaughn cooed, kissing up and down her neck, as Bianca roughly bit down on her lip to suppress the loud moan that wanted to exit her mouth and her grip tightened on her face, "if i don't hear you say it, don't even think about bussin', pretty."

"i'm yours! yours, yours, yourssss! please, please, please let me cum! i can't hold it anymore!" Bianca cried loudly, her loudness being muffled by her hands, as tears streamed down her face at a quicker rate and she sobbed into her hands, her orgasm practically screaming to be released.

"cum for me, princess. let it alll out on yo' dick. gimme all that good shit." Jo-Vaughn's words made Bianca's knees buckle, and she leaned onto him for support as sounds of her gushiness sounded out into the bedroom and her jaw dropped, her eyes rolling back and her back arching deeply while her climax hit her like a freight train. a squeal fell from her lips as she came, her walls clenching and unclenching around Jo-Vaughn's phallus and earning groans from him as it did so.

her body tensed up and her bottom lip retreated between her teeth as she bit down on it so hard that it nearly bled, her chest heaving up and down at an irregular pace while Jo-Vaughn's deep strokes began slowing down. he placed kisses on her neck, ear, and the side of her face as he stroked her through her orgasm, his grip loosening on her neck while he caressed her breasts. removing her hands from her mouth, Bianca let out a soft and heavy sigh and her body relaxed as her vision corrected itself while she stared at the ceiling, letting everything that happened marinate in her mind while she breathed in through her nose and out through her parted lips.

"you know i love you, don't you?" Jo-Vaughn mumbled against her neck, making Bianca smile, as Bianca chuckled and ran her tongue over her lips, letting go of his wrist and wrapping her arm around his neck while she rubbed the nape of his neck.

"I know, baby, I know. I love you too."

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 17/05/2024

Athletic Doctor

Season 1 Featured on: GilvaSunner's Highest Quality Video Game Rips: Volume 1 Also on: SiIvaGunner: Starter Kit & Essentials

Ripped by Psynwav

ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL!!

I haven't slept in so long...I forgot what dreams were like.

Honestly - what better way could there be for me to celebrate the 365th main post on the blog, than to be fashionably late by a whole weekend? It's unfortunate, but...oddly befitting, really. Back when I was first starting out with the blog, I actually forgot about posting daily for a solid two weeks - and so, some old-ass posts like Chillin’ Like A Villain and (YTPMV) Bob​-​Omb Battlesources were made in quite a hurry retroactively. Nevertheless, it was on May 17th 2023, over on my main blog @melblur, that I suddenly decided that I wanted to write about one SiIvaGunner rip a day just for fun. After File Select Fusion Collab, I realized that it made more sense just to put these on their own blog, and with Snowball Park - Super Mario 3D World I moved everything onto here. It's all been a bit of a bumpy ride, is my point. But today, I've reached the big milestone that I was originally aiming for all the way back with Running Through Cookie Country - a year's worth of almost-always-daily posts on the weird and wonderful world of SiIvaGunner. And what better rip to discuss alongside this milestone than the channel's biggest hit, the milestone rip to stand above all others: Season 1's Athletic Doctor.

Now, I've been following SiIvaGunner since some of the earliest moments of Season 1, following along with the initial GiIvaSunner termination, the entire Reboot saga discussed in I Saw a Brainwasher Today, the Mashup Crusaders arc of Mr. Rental [B Side] ~ Out of Options, the channel ending of Epic Flintstones... Basically, I was there for just about the entire initial 9-month run, and have with but one Season's worth of an exception (Season 5) been following the channel damn near obsessively since. The point is that, through this, I have been able to follow the channel's most popular videos chart up and down with each passing month: I recall, for instance, how Nintendo GameCube Startup - Console/BIOS Music soared past all other rips back in the day and stayed on top for five month's time. That was, of course, before finally being surpassed by we are number one but with outdated memes over it and subsequently helping kickstart the entire We Are Number One meme trend (funny enough - you can actually find a youtube comment left by me on the rip in late December 2016/early 2017 expressing mild annoyance over the rip's popularity...). Athletic Doctor in comparison was of course always popular, but it took a while to truly climb its way up there - it was in the top ten, then top five, always rising, bubbling in the background. Eventually, starting with Season 3's premiere, the team decided to just make the rip the trailer for the channel for new viewers - where it still sits today, now as the far-and-away most popular rip on the channel.

I feel like the reason the rip became used as the defacto channel trailer, the reason it keeps being referenced in videos demonstrating what SiIvaGunner is all about, is pretty obvious. I've talked a lot in posts like Live and Ooooooooooooooh about how outright *effective* many of Season 1's rips were, and Athletic Doctor is the most prime example of that imaginable - it is a damn near pitch perfect joke executed shockingly well for the time of its upload in the channel's history. EVERYONE knows the music to Super Mario World, either through its usage in the game itself in the 90s, its appearances in games like Super Smash Bros. Melee in the 2000s and Super Mario Galaxy 2 in the 2010s - or just through sheer overexposure to it in just about any era of gaming YouTube. The game's soundtrack is the perfect blend of being immediately recognizable and incredibly easy to hum along to given the entire game basically only has three or so melodies, relying on its central leitmotif to a degree bordering on parody. Likewise as well, EVERYBODY knows Witch Doctor, either through excessive radio play, being a big hit with Alvin & the Chipmunks...or the 2007 Live Action Alvin & the Chipmunks movie that I myself grew up with, it's the kind of vaguely obnoxious (also arguably quite racist) nonsense novelty music that's incredibly appealing to young kids, the same way something like Crazy Frog or its ilk was in the 2000s as well.

Put simply, Athletic Doctor was a match made in heaven - and the joke is pulled off so expertly that it feels redundant to put into words. The Athletic Theme intro is iconic enough to where you're led into a false sense of security right off the bat, the melody swap is subtle enough as to not immediately be noticeable, making the moment you notice it even more noteworthy - only for the track's second loop to become a full-on mashup with the Witch Doctor track. Absolutely perfect escalation, just the right amount of buildup - but most importantly, it ends up actually sounding really good! The joke's great to be sure, very much like Live and Ooooooooooooooh - but I feel like the core reason why Athletic Doctor has continued to endure for so long on the channel, why it keeps getting remixed and referenced and paid tribute to on so many instances, is because it's just a genuinely good listen once the joke sets in. In other words, it is the purest distillation of SiIvaGunner's appeal - a joke so simple, yet pulled off with a magical appeal that remains even all these years later.

Through running this blog, it's that very specific appeal that I've wanted to try and encapsulate with the rips I cover, with what I write about them, to uncover that elusive magic of this dumb shitpost channel. Joel's big Grand Dad reaction that kicked the channel off is a good bit, to be sure, but its not a bit that could've lasted eight years and counting: In its earliest days, its easy to see how the channel could've just become naught but a novelty and fallen off the face off the earth once interest in it died. Yet through each year of the channel's life, with every Season that passes, it's evolved and adapted. Be it the spontaneous chaos of Season 1, the building storyline of Season 2, the mystery and nostalgia of Season 3, the sheer talent on display in the King for Another Day Tournament in Season 4 Episode 1 and the sheer joy of celebration found in Season 4 Episode 2, the whimsical experimentation of Season 5, the sudden introspection and moodiness of Season 6, the pure adoration and love for everything the channel stands for in Season 7, and the ongoing pure silliness of Season 8 - each period of this channel feels as if it's growing in a new direction, never content sitting in one place for too long - and yet the appeal of a rip like Athletic Doctor remains oh so core to the entire SiIvaGunner experience. The experience of which I've made my best effort to cover across all 365 posts on this blog. To show everyone the layers in which this channel goes in.

That's what I've been wanting to show you... but now, before I end this post, I want to briefly talk about what you've shown *me*. I know its a cliché thing to say, but really - it warms my heart EVERY time I receive messages about the blog. This all began as just a way for me to practice my writing ability, but suddenly I was having the actual rippers - the names that I'd admire from my MP3 player but hardly ever considered able to actually interact with - messaging me in private to express how happy my posts made them...not to mention the people in SiIvaCord discussing rips with me, digging into my writing, sharing anecdotes I'd never heard of, and everyone who requested rips genuinely eager to see what I had to write about them...like, again, its the biggest cliché on the planet, and I know this blog really isn't all *that* big in the grand scheme of things - but I never expected to even get more than five people actually engaging with what I post? To everyone, and ESPECIALLY to the silent majority reading my posts without a Tumblr account, the ones engaging from a distance - thank you SO much for validating all that I've done on here.

Now, there's still plenty of posts I have left in me, plenty of ones already in the drafts and unfulfilled requests well in the dozens. But like...tons has happened since when this all started 12 months ago. I got a summer job! I'm wrapping up what's hopefully my final three school courses! I've started listening to so much new music, expanding my music tastes, in huge part thanks to all the digging this blog has made me do! And, of course, getting to be this open about what's likely my absolute weirdest special interest has honestly made me feel more confident in myself as a person, made me a more outgoing individual in general. And so, to get all of my ducks in a row, to help straighten things out for a bit...I'm going to take a break from regular posting on here. I'm aiming for it to be no longer than a month's time - again, I have much I still wish to write about!! - but you'll of course still see me reblogging fanart and other such things on here just from using Tumblr casually. And hey - if you haven't already, I recommend you take the time to go scavenging through The Archive for daily posts that you might have missed! Having a blog with so much writing on it, so many posts, so much to discover for readers old and new...In a way, I've basically made it so that navigating the blog feels just like navigating the vast seas of the SiIvaGunner channel itself. And isn't that just the most fitting way to leave it all on - an ocean of posts, waiting for you to uncover them?

THAT SIIVAGUNNER TUMBLR BLOG WILL RETURN IN SEASON 2

[mysticstarlightduck]

New WIP Tag Game! OC Fun Facts!

Hey! So I'm bored and want to do something fun, so here it goes a new OC tag game!

(I originally posted this in the wrong place lol, because I was hella tired yesterday, but here it goes - a repost on my actual blog lmao)

Also, pls reblog to get the game going! 💕

Rules: Make a list of fun facts about your OCs. Like a headcanon list, if you will! Except it's actually canon lol.

I'll go with some of the cast from Scrapyard Boys!

Valen Cassidy

... has never dated anyone before and despite his usual brash, occasionally hawkish, and extroverted personality, actually feels really awkward/too shy to ask anyone out

... likes pop rock, pop punk, and heavy metal. his music taste varies between happy-go-lucky, upbeat, feel-good songs and the most aggressive "I hate the world"-type heavy metal

... hyper fixates on arcade games and hates losing. like, he'll throw a full-on pity party or start an argument if he loses In front of other people

... can only sleep properly if he has his dinosaur plushie with him but will never let anyone find out

...can mess someone up in a fight, especially if he hates that person or if that person threatened his friends. like he is freakishly strong and has a very short temper - his punches are devastating and his superpower isn't even super-strength

... is a night owl and hates waking up too early. is the most grumpy, angry kid in the face of the earth up until 10AM even if he drinks a truckload of coffee

... has some anger issues and feels super bad when he accidentally snaps at/says something rude to someone without a reason - he doesn't mean to be rude, and if he happens to be stressed and loses his temper, he is very harsh on himself afterward

... can actually bake pretty well and loves making cupcakes

... hates horror movies with a burning passion but will watch them if dared just to uphold his "tough guy" reputation, and then promptly won't sleep for two nights straight afterwards

... since his power is Electrical Conduction, he can actually charge things, like cellphones and laptops, etc, if he does so very carefully

Quince Warren

... likes 80s pop music and early 2000s alternative rock songs, especially grunge

... prefers to solve things diplomatically or by talking it out, because his powers are usually lethal to others and he's scared of using his powers to this day

... likes waking up early, usually before anybody else, and sleeps so soundly he could literally sleep through the apocalypse if it happened

... could not dance properly if his life depended on it

... drinks more coffee than is probably healthy, but likely doesn't realize it isn't ideal

... cries while watching romantic comedies and gets way too invested when watching soap operas

... has unnatural pain tolerance - can probably break an arm and legit not realize anything is wrong until someone points it out

... will eat pizza for breakfast if unsupervised

... is unhingedly good at hide-and-seek to the point that his friends will give up looking for him and he'll simply emerge, seemingly from out of nowhere, and they'll have no idea where he came from

... is very respectful to others and despises people who don't respect other's boundaries

Jordan Raith

... suffers from chronic insomnia and gets pissed off when he can't sleep even though he knows to expect it, takes sleeping medicine but his superhuman metabolism refuses to let it work

... likes all things macabre, gothic, and dark, ranging from 1800s gothic romance novels to early 2000s teen horror movies, will 100% enjoy the heck out of a Halloween party

... occasionally sleepwalks and talks in his sleep almost every night

... adores fast food, especially from diners, and his favorite food to order is strawberry milkshakes with a plate of tuna sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies

... loves listening to music and is almost always wearing his headphones, has a playlist for every occasion, and his favorite music genres range from moody, dark aesthetic songs to cheesy pop songs

... has a 'bad boy style' and genuinely digs it, as he is a fan of a gothic aesthetic, and despite being a troublemaker is also a cinnamon roll

... is the most dangerous, murderous, and downright ruthless member of the main cast, even some villains are afraid of him

... has an old motorcycle

... confessed his feelings for the girl he likes (Maggie) a week after meeting her, and their first date was eating ice cream on a graveyard. they've been soulmates ever since

... hates loud noises and people who are obnoxiously loud in proximity to him

... is unpredictable and genuinely terrifying to his enemies

... is bad at handling tech and social media - gets confused easily and might post a bunch of nonsense on accident + has no patience to handle it

Emily Warren

... loves puppies and cats with her whole heart, and has a chonky cat named Sir Theodore Smothie The Third, who has the personality of a chaotic little bastard of a gremlin

... has a crush on Valen because she finds his personality endearing and he is generally a great friend but is waiting to figure out if he feels the same about her

... loves survival videogames and is very competitive when it comes to beating a high score

... despite singing rather well, likes to playfully sing as awfully as she can to annoy her brother (Quince)

... can play the guitar decently and likes learning new tunes

... rarely gets into fights but has a couple of brass knuckles and a switchblade in her pockets just in case

... dyes a single strand of her hair a different color each month, or every time she can remember to

... wears glasses and has very poor eyesight without them

... her power is Combustion and she has pretty bad control over it so she can either cause block-levelling explosions or less than nothing, and it's very much a problem

... loves musicals and boy bands - and has a poster of her favorite boy band in her room

... adds stickers to anything and everything, especially if they're glittery stickers

Tagging (gently): @sleepy-night-child, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @smol-feralgremlin, @oh-no-another-idea, @littleladymab,

@winterandwords, @eccaiia, @sarahlizziewrites, @illarian-rambling

@agirlandherquill, @anoelleart, @ray-writes-n-shit

@the-golden-comet, @writernopal, @anyablackwood, @unstablewifiaccess, @forthesanityofstorytellers

@i-can-even-burn-salad, @cakeinthevoid

@lassiesandiego, @thepeculiarbird, @clairelsonao3, @memento-morri-writes, @starlit-hopes-and-dreams

@wyked-ao3 and OPEN TAG

[dtmsrpfcringe]

You really are a dumb fuck, aren't you? You repeated exactly what I said, then told me I was wrong for saying what you parroted back to me. Living in your brain must be fucking insufferable.

Your own words were that they did not know each other ten years ago. Incorrect.

They have both said that they have known each other socially (i.e., friends) since 2001. They did not become close until they were in Good Omens. Yes, that is what I said. That's what you agreed to after I corrected your initial false statement. My god, little wonder you think this blog is a good idea when these are your thought processes.

Nothing else you said makes the slightest bit of sense. I can't even decipher the point of that word salad, and I am a teacher. Why would Michael use the names of the characters when he is talking about the show that the characters are in? What? You are reaching so hard that it is comical.

You are a class act making jokes about a congenital defect that kills newborn infants. Is that the kind of thing the mother of a newborn infant who claims to be a nurse would do? We have established that you are lying about both of those things. You are just an awful person. When it comes down to the real point of this blog, you don't care about the greater good of the fandom. You only want attention. You are shouting about a tiny corner of Tumblr that draws no attention to itself. You bring attention to it. You make it loud. Even when it disappears, you keep bringing it back. What's the real point here? You want attention for yourself. You want to be the hero in a war that doesn't exist.

Maybe you don't ship the hairband. Maybe you just have bad taste in music? I don't care. Either way, you have no place calling out anyone when you support those losers. They are the epitome of the scum of society. Actual misogynists. One of them even murdered someone while driving drunk. That is just the tip of the iceberg. But someone no one knows said something mean about Georgia Tennant on Tumblr? Someone suggests that two men who keep talking about having sex and being in love might be in love. Better clutch your pearls over that! Pathetic.

bae that isn’t what you said. You said they’ve been friends for almost 25 years. Do you write things and just fucking forget them? Or can you just not stop lying?

I can’t imagine being a teacher and just constantly being so goddamn wrong, I bet your students can’t stand you.

also saying you don’t have a brain isn’t making fun of a congenital defect babe. I’m neither lying about being a mom or healthcare professional. Most people I talk to pretty regularly here have seen my baby, and it would be pretty hard work to have an entire baby to…fake being a mom??? I’m not going to put my baby’s face on here to prove to someone like you that she’s real, and frankly I think it’s a little strange you wanna see that bad babe. Like? Your obsession with an internet stranger’s newborn (i guess infant now omfg) is kinda creepy.

As for my health certification, you don’t know shit actually. I busted my ass in high school to be licensed because of the people who helped me as a kid. Also I’m not a nurse😉 you are right about that. There’s more to healthcare than your RN and MDs lol. You seem like you’d yell at underpaid healthcare workers in the worst way possible.

you obviously did understand, but didn’t want to lick your wounds and slink into the corner.

btw this group absolutely does draw attention to yourself. I found these people by looking for cute Georgia and Anna stuff and finding hate and misogyny spread about them. As for Motley Crue, I hardly listen to them anymore, if literally ever. I haven’t posted anything about them in over a year and that is why I removed 2000 of my followers on instagram and made it private to have a personal acc. I just never bothered changing the username lol. So try again I guess.

Anyways here’s my daily reminder to you that David and Michael would be disgusted with you. Hope you have the day you deserve!

Keep sending these I think we’re falling in love boo🚨🔵🚨🔵

[shifting---patterns]

Elena Dawson: The Art of Artisanal Fashion

Today's blog post marks a special moment for me. Not only because it's my first on Shifting Patterns, but also because I deeply admire and enjoy the work of this designer. So much so that my wife and I even got married in her garments. Today, I want to introduce you to Elena Dawson.

Elena Dawson, a London-born fashion designer for menswear and womenswear, keeps much of her personal life under wraps.There's no existing website anymore, and her former blog is no longer accessible. Only a Instagram account with a couple of posts and a contact email serves as a point of contact. It all somewhat reminds of the enigmatic Paul Harnden, doesn't it? But we'll get to that later. She studied Art and Fashion Design at the University of Brighton and worked as a seamstress after completing her degree. At that time, she said, "I draw on the knowledge I learned at the tailors still now in the way I make clothing."

In 2000, she co-founded the clothing line "Paul Harnden Clothiers" with her ex-partner Paul Harnden. She was an integral part of the design, concept, and business until 2009 with Paul Harnden, who was primarily known under the name "Paul Harnden Shoemakers" until then, when she decided to establish her own clothing and shoe label in East Sussex. Her studio is located there as well. Despite Dawson's departure, Paul Harnden's ready-to-wear collections continue to this day. Since 2009, the brand has naturally grown, but Dawson still produces her clothes and shoes herself, supported by a small team. Everything is produced in-house in multiple studio spaces, but all is handmade.

The aesthetic of Dawson's work at Paul Harnden and her own brand has definitely evolved over the years. Paul Harnden, who is now known not only for his shoes but also for his blazers/jackets, coats, trousers, and shirts, has a rather clean cut and neatly sewn edges. On the other hand, Elena Dawson has a rather rough look and is known for her unfinished seams with dangling fabric scraps. It's sometimes hard to describe, but she has a very romantic, poetic, Victorian look that partly reminds me of Tim Burton movies.

When I put on one of her beloved blazers, I often feel like a part of Bertolt Brecht's Threepenny Opera, almost like a wardrobe from the 19th century. I own 2 blazers (linen and wool), 1 linen shirt, 2 pants (linen and cotton), and silk accessories from Dawson. My wife has a mix of a coat and dress. All her clothes are labelled with the classic "Elena Dawson - Made In England" label and the washing/material information written in her really unreadable handwriting with a Sharpie.

The coats and blazers (mostly) feature beige/white cotton lining, and the classic look, often seen online, is achieved by rolling the sleeves backward, exposing the lining through the open seams. She works with a dress form, sculpturing everything, and only uses natural materials. Her favorites are English wool, Indian cotton, Irish linen, and Chinese silk. She describes her work as follows: "When you work on alterations you are really tearing the guts out of the garment, performing a sort of autopsy—you really get to see a garment at its most vulnerable point. Observing this state of semi-deconstruction in the making of a garment or shoe is what I like to retain in my finished work."

You'll rarely get the chance to buy her pieces online, as there are hardly any retailers offering her items online. She mentioned: "We don't do much press or social media work and we don't sell online at all. I'm not against that. It's just not the brand's main job." Elena Dawson limits the maximum order quantity and carefully chooses her retailers. She prefers to keep the brand small, and even on classic online platforms like Grailed, Vestiaire Collective, or eBay, you won't find many of her items used.

I highly recommend visiting a retailer near you for the experience alone and trying on the clothes in-store. In my case, it's Harvey's in Berlin. However, the most well-known point of sale is probably Dover Street Market in London, with whom she has a strong relationship, as Dover Street Market has actively supported her brand from the beginning, granting her a significant presence there. In Tokyo, I was also able to find her pieces at DSM and at the Comme des Garcons Pocket Store.

The result is garments full of personality that evolve over time alongside one's own personality, incomparable to any other looks consumed and worn nowadays. Each piece, crafted by her hands, is unique, and I'll tell you, the first time I wore an Elena Dawson blazer at Harvey's in Berlin, it resonated with me. The look, the weight, the fit… it felt like a second skin, and over the course of 2 years, seeing how it aged with me, it became more like an extension of myself each day.

Here's to Elena — may your artistic journey continue to inspire and captivate for years to come!

Davis Jahn

[the-lincyclopedia]

41, 58, 69!

41. last person you texted?

My partner's mom, actually! Yesterday I texted her a picture of a Frida Kahlo notebook I got recently, since she's a Frida Kahlo fan, and she wrote me back today and I just responded. This is the first time in my life I've felt anywhere close to having in-laws, and I feel like I'm getting a good grade in being her kid's partner, something that is normal to want and possible to achieve.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Ooh, you're gonna make me be proud of myself? Okay, here we go.

1) To paraphrase something one of my coworkers said about me yesterday, I am the Chicago Manual of Style incarnate. I know all the grammar and punctuation rules you could possibly want to know. I am a damn good copy editor, and I'm also pretty fast at it.

2) I'm really good at what I call "abstracting properly"--that is, I'm good at figuring out what the relevant principles at play in a situation are, and from there how to ask questions that get at the different things to consider when trying to figure out right and wrong in a particular circumstance.

To take a recent example, I responded to a post about the US Supreme Court and wrote about how "there's a fundamental tension--competing goods, I'd say--between being able to articulate, point to, share, and agree on the details of a specific set of principles, on the one hand, and adapting to the times, on the other hand." I am good at looking at problems that way, basically in real time.

3) I'm really good at being organized. It just comes naturally to me. I love sorting things (it's the autism), and I love knowing where things are and being able to find them quickly. I tag so consistently that I can find almost any post from my blog from the past few years in a matter of minutes. My Google Drive is an intricate system with layers upon layers of sub-folders. In physical space I'm a little bit messier, but I still know where almost all my stuff is.

4) I'm pretty good at language learning. I think I overstate this talent to myself sometimes, and then I run into an unfamiliar language and get frustrated when I'm not immediately fluent, but I am significantly better at language learning than average. At [location redacted], I was the only kid anyone in my cohort could remember who was placed in the highest Swedish class their first year in the program.

Meanwhile, in school, I took Spanish one in seventh grade, Spanish two in eighth grade, Spanish three freshman year, skipped Spanish four, took Spanish five sophomore year, and was one of three kids in the whole (2000+ student) school taking Spanish six my junior year. I got a five out of five on the AP Spanish test my sophomore year of high school, and my senior year of high school I got a seven out of seven on the IB Spanish B Higher Level exam and a six out of seven on the IB Swedish B Standard Level exam. Like, I know people who are better at languages than I am, and you're probably one of them, but my results are definitely better than average.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

This is such a good question, but I'm completely blanking! I feel like I try to keep track of where I get my information, even if sometimes it's as fuzzy as just knowing that I heard the thing on Tumblr. Occasionally I meet people who can cite the exact sources of their knowledge (like, full name of the author of the book or article they read something in), and I can't usually do that, but I try to avoid thinking I know things when I have no source.

When I was in school, I definitely enjoyed citing sources from outside the syllabus in my papers--usually books I'd read for previous classes or articles I'd run across on my own. Which was definitely made easier by the fact that I tend to remember where I learned things.

Get in on the ask game!

[dj-of-the-coven]

Hit me with your favorite defunct website

You will regret this.

Have you ever felt isolated by the modern internet, or nostalgic for the way that you can vaguely--but not entirely--remember experiencing as a child? Well I can't speak for everyone, but the past few years certainly have left me feeling that way. Certain nostalgia posts made circa 2021 got my brain churning in that direction, dredging up ancient memories of reading personal blogs and spending hours on flash game websites that were more or less entirely nuked from the internet by my adulthood. The more I remembered, the more distressed I felt by their absence, even though it'd been years since I even remembered most of that stuff existed...

Aside from Animal Jam, I wasn't sure if anything I knew from my mid 2000s-early 2010s childhood experience was out there on the web somewhere--so, I did as any normal teenager would and I started doing copious amounts of research into a subject that basically didn't exist. I discovered the internet archive entirely on accident; spent days examining the layout of early youtube and any other sites I could remember, navigating by year and trying to figure out when everything took a turn for the worst. I started browsing through webcore tags on tumblr just to get close to what I wanted, because "old internet" yielded few results at the time, and google's input was less than useless. Only a few blogs on tumblr had the kind of content I was looking for, but eventually I struck gold when one of them pointed me in a brand new direction of hope.

This is when I discovered neocities.

Of course, I was already familiar with the webhosting platform of geocities from the old days. Geocities was one of the primary hosting platforms that I remembered without the help of research, but you may already have guessed by the lack of a link that it's dead--and you'd be right. It actually shut down back in 2009, which I learned through the same post that advertised its independent successor. For some reason, I'd always associated the memory with the time I was in kindergarten, but the date of shutdown actually confirmed that I must've known about it earlier, making the platform one of my first memories! It's been gone for a while, but not the impression of it that I had as a core pillar in my early web experience. And then there was neocities. What was that? I immediately went to investigate.

Of course, I was mostly doing this in between two late-night bussing jobs to afford my shitty apartment, aside from being in my final year of high school, so progress was slow. At the starbucks next to my school, I was always holed up in the corner during my short window of off-time with a coffee and my computer setup. It took some time, but I began browsing through the top pages one-by-one, following links and cataloguing where they led to. I took stock of which sites linked to one another. Eventually, I noticed a pattern: a lot of them linked back to a website called sadgrl.online, a purple and black neon haven of internet culture run by a webmaster known as Sadness. Everyone say hello to our defunct website of the hour!

At the time, the thing was absolutely bustling. Almost all of the most popular sites on neocities were linked to Sadness' site somehow, usually through her button collection. My own personal site, which I started building around that time, also contained one of her web buttons. She has several, but her most popular one looks like this. (I apologize if you're on mobile. It will NOT look good.)

I was intrigued! In a community so removed from the usual mainstays of the internet, there existed a blog that hundreds of neocities users were visiting every day, and I very quickly became one of them once I finished looking through her thought-provoking essays on programming and web culture. Her site went through a number of layout changes while I was a regular visitor--the vast majority of them are catalogued on the site itself if not also on the internet archive. It was a blog dedicated to the exact thing that I was interested in; what I had been searching for since the modern web started rubbing me the wrong way in my burgeoning adulthood. Her page prominently featured an essay on the faults of centralized internet and her journey to foster a space more accepting of individuality, information, and creativity without thought of profit. I was totally enamored, especially with the appealing gothic graphics that surrounded the lengthy text!

(here's a capture from August 2022)

Aside from Sadness, several other active community members had formed an alliance of websites dedicated to the preservation of old internet culture and the cultivation of unique online spaces. These people called themselves the Yesterweb. The yesterweb was run mainly by webmasters known as Auzzie Jay, Madness, Tsvety, Grafo, Cinni, Vincent, Iris, and Sadness herself, but webmaster Melon (of MelonLand fame) also ran a forum that was parallel to the movement. The yesterweb was a massive project that included an online newspaper, a web radio station, several introductory programming manuals, a forum, web-themed essays from neocities users, button makers, layout creators, and terms and definitions for people new to the decentralized experience. It was easy to get lost in it all... for a time, the rabbit hole felt endless and exciting.

Every day, I returned to check updates on Sadness' various projects while I began work on my own website. She had totally convinced me of my own convictions--I bought the dream hook, line, and sinker. My only goal for a while was for my site to eventually be included in the yesterweb webring alongside all these amazing programmers. I wanted to contribute to the world of creativity that I could only dream of when HTML was still just meaningless jargon to me! But I was too slow learning the languages necessary, and the yesterweb was just growing too fast to be contained. I dipped for a few months to focus on my move to a new city, and by the time I returned, the whole yesterweb had disappeared scorched-earth style.

Okay, so what the fuck happened?

Currently, on the front page of what used to be a hopeful and inspiring collection of internet resources, there's a long essay made by the webmasters who founded the project, detailing burnout and massive stress due to the community growing faster than they could moderate it. It is certainly not poorly-intentioned. However, the discovery was absolutely devastating to me. My dream had gone up in smoke before I could even try to reach it, and I was apparently a part of the problem by caring so much about it. The radio station is gone. The webring was deleted. The forums shut down. My favorite webmasters' sites were no longer being updated. I felt awful for the people who had been affected by all this stress and pressure, but after so long of working to join the movement, I felt betrayed by their abandonment. The yesterweb disappeared in almost exactly the same way the old web did the first time--ripped from my fingers before I was able and ready to participate. And I can only wonder... what happened to the goal of turning the internet back into a place for us? How did it get to the point of ruining these people's lives within the span of maybe two years? I'm really not sure. There's a lot about this story I still don't know, and there's not really a way to access the drama that happened in a discord server that I never joined. The information published on the yesterweb's page is the only reliable source I'm currently aware of.

Still, in spite of it all, Sadness' website has remained one of my major inspirations in programming and web philosophy. I may be in mourning about a dream that died before it could truly live, but whenever I think about the months that I spent eagerly browsing her site for updates, I remember that spark that initially inspired me to begin researching the net in the first place. She was a major player in the game--not the only one. The website that she created was my favorite while it was active, and now it is my favorite website that is currently defunct.

Thank you for coming to my tedtalk.

[zalrb]

y'know I've been seeing the phrase 'chemistry' thrown around a lot lately. like it happened with rob and Zoe with the batman (2022) which you already talked about, it happened with the little mermaid live action (which you also commented on), and now with that new hunger games movie -> everyone is raving about the 'chemistry' between the leads (I haven't seen so I can't really comment). but it just makes me think: is it 'chemistry'? or is it just two hot people on screen breathing the same air?

I think that the word 'chemistry' is overused, do the general audience even know what 'chemsitry' really looks like anymore? I mean yes casting directors still have their actors do 'chemistry reads' but...? I say this because I think back to the posts you made about both rob and Zoe, Halle and Jonah, and now tom and Rachel (from the new hunger games movie, not sure if you will watch). all those actors performed chemistry reads with another for their respective movies, and you would think since the directors saw that chemistry then they must have it right, but after going through your blog, I've been more confused. do directors really look for chemistry, or do they just say "these two look good together, that should be enough to sell the movie"? cause they kinda have a point if that's the case.

I'm sorry I know this ask is like all over the place, but your blog really helped open my eyes, I guess I'm just tired of seeing the word 'chemistry' be thrown around at every 'hot ' couple that graces our screens. guess I would just like to know your thoughts on how the definition of 'chemistry' has changed since the early 2000s media?

sidenote: idk if you're going to watch the new hunger games but, I personally don't think the 2 leads have chemistry. I've only seen clips but from what I've seen they're just mostly 'longing' gazes between them and heavy breathing? I will say that the guy that plays snow is doing the more heavy lifting in scenes with Rachel. for Rachel, this probably just me but I feel like she was miscast for the role (according to sources she did not have to audition, it was just offered to her). in some scenes it does look like she was trying too hard, like she was struggling with some of the emotional beats. its almost as if she was 'insecure' in this role, and that her acting ability was not strong enough to handle the emotional weight of this film, if that makes sense? I would like to know your opinions/thoughts if see the film or watch some clips

OK. So.

First of all, I would like to see the actual chemistry tests and wish they were available because when I watch Sam and Cait's chemistry read, for instance, I'm like, it's obvious that they were going to be lightning in a bottle. LOOK at them.

This makes absolute sense.

So, I wanted to find another chemistry read soI literally just typed it in on youtube and saw TSITP and how they did it over Zoom and then before I watched it, to make sure that that actually happened, I looked it up and the author was like,

"It was the first chemistry read I had done over Zoom and I was like, 'I don't know if this is going to work?'" Han exclusively told E!. "Obviously, it's more enlightening to be in a room with people and see how they connect and see how they look together and what the energy is. But when Han saw Tung and Briney together for the first time, she knew she had found her Belly and Conrad. It really felt like it was popping off the screen right away," she raved, "honestly."

and then I watched it and was like, OK if you think these people are your characters then who am I to tell you they aren't, you wrote them, but were they popping onscreen, though? Were they really? And watching this and then watching the show had me like, no wonder why they frustrated the hell out of me, there's nothing here.

The most I can say is that Chris seems to be a marginally better actor when he's not actually physically interacting with Lola and it actually seems like what was popping onscreen was that they were both exactly who she thought her characters would be like as individuals, but alas, that's just my interpretation of what happened there.

And then there's the chemistry read for To All The Boys I've Loved Before and I watched it like, Noah is charming in it and he's natural and Lana is... keeping up, they're comfortable enough but I wouldn't say there's vibing, it's pretty forgettable, which is what I said about their chemistry in the movies

so I was like, yeah this chemistry read makes sense for what I saw onscreen because it was fine but i wasn't great, it still felt staged and I forgot about them and the movie(s) right after I finished watching it.

So, when directors talk about the chemistry reads I'm like, I want to know what they looked like. Are they Outlander or TSITP?

but it just makes me think: is it 'chemistry'? or is it just two hot people on screen breathing the same air?

And this has always been something I've posed to anons when I used to argue about chemistry.

Do you just like the dynamic?

Are they just attractive?

Does she just have big eyes?

Those seem to be the three questions I asked a lot and I'm inclined to believe that now, directors look for the people who they think look good together and will sell their show/movie based on that because the internet's going to do the rest. Like, initium kept sending me these tweets about the AMAZING. INTENSE. HOT. chemistry between the Bridgerton leads

and I was like ... oh yeah, that fist bump screams sexual tension. Please be serious. Like, Tony and Kerry didn't have chemistry reads and they kind of just hoped for the best but when Shonda talks about how she literally had to leave the stage watching them film something

it's earned in what I'm actually watching onscreen.

I also feel like now, if one person has the intent, and if one person is carrying the dynamic, then that's considered chemistry and it's sufficient.

In terms of seeing the Hunger Games, I know my mom really wants to see it because Viola Davis is in it and I was like, you know she's probably going to be in it for like 3 minutes "I don't care!" so it's probably going to happen sooner or later. I can't find any clips of them just edits and I have a rule about edits.

[majorbaby]

as someone who has Feelings about House (I was watching it when I became disabled so oof), do spill the House takes?

Gregory House is a relic of early 2000s, vaguely Dane-Cookian, edgelord-style comedy so it's somewhat amusing to watch tumblr blorbify him. It gives me the sense that people are unaware that he's the type to unironically say, "I'm not racist, I hate all races equally". Blorbofication seems to to really rely on projecting on a character, or identifying with them, and House is a character who should be blorbofied with care. Of course you can identify with a character that makes poor choices and behaves badly while simultaneously condemning those actions IRL, but honestly, there seems to be a lot of irony-turned-sincere in the "asshole (affectionate)" sector of various fandoms these days and the push to rehabilitate House in fanwork so that he's a better person leaves me with a lot of questionmarks.

the rest of this is beneath a cut because it got super super long, sorry about that!

Here's one thing I do like about him: sometimes his unabashed assholery allowed House to do and say more progressive things than any heroic protagonist could ever say on television at the time, because radical speech is almost always an affront to the status quo. House could be pro-choice, staunchly atheist and practically allergic to any kind of traditional romantic relationship, and this was all acceptable to audiences because House is intentionally written as an asshole.

He's still an asshole though, in plenty of ways that aren't cute or excusable. The show and the character are plenty misogynist, racist, homophobic and yeah, House is disabled himself, but he's also ableist towards his patients. I'm not pointing these things out to say "don't watch this show because it's bad" but they're also unavoidable truths about the show. It's not subtle at all either, and it extends to production. House MD is famous for its wacky plotlines and doctors committing all kinds of medical malpractice or outright felonies, with the exception of Foreman who got less material because, as House would put it, "black guy". This kind of works out for Foreman because by virtue of getting much less material beyond "only sane man" or "voice of reason" or "endlessly patient with his racist boss", he's the most normal of the cast, and it made sense for him to succeed Cuddy at the end of the series. Every woman on the show exhibits saint-like patience towards him. Cuddy, Cameron and Thirteen could've collaborated to quietly murder this guy and I'd be shocked (well. would I??? this show did some truly wacky things) but I can't say I'd feel a terrible amount of sympathy.

The issue I have with a lot of the recent fic and headcanonry around the show is this "healed by love" trope that I keep seeing pop up. House's most basic traits are that he's 1) brilliant and 2) an asshole. The show asks over and over whether or not House will ever change, and the answer is always no. If he's rehabilitated, he is no longer Gregory House. Like, write what you want but why write House if he's not going to be an asshole? Or if you are going to rehabilitate him, understand that there's 8 seasons of television that deliberately, consistently portray him as being a lost cause in terms of positive character development. I've seen the claim that he's "good disabled rep" and like, on its face I agree with that. House is in pain 24/7, his brain functions differently from other people, he struggles in social interactions, he wants to be loved in spite of knowing he is hard to love, he tries to do better but he repeatedly fails. All of these experiences have a place in fiction, but rehabilitating him revokes that place.

More specific to my own blog, I've encountered a few posts comparing beejhawk to hilson and that's on its face ridiculous. Even if we disagree that Hawkeye is a good person, MASH frames him as a good person whereasHouse is a bad person who is framed as a bad person. I'm more ambiguous towards the Wilson-BJ comparison, but at least Wilson is canonically shown to possess some of the traits that are commonly assigned to BJ within fanwork. House and Hawkeye on the other hand... like Hawkeye and Wilson have more in common with one another, Wilson being compassionate and communicative towards his friends and patients, including House when House isn't being particularly likeable (there actually might be a bit of BJ in House, lol).

imo, it's part of a trend of homogenizing ship and character dynamics, molding characters/ships/settings to certain popular tropes rather than the other way around across fandoms... to what end, I have no idea. I'm of the opinion that nothing in fanfic presents any kind of real-world "risk" in comparison to mainstream media, but it seems to me that presenting all the big gay ships as being "the same", essentially inventing new gay stereotypes is something we maaaay want to move away from. Or at least ask ourselves why we do this with gay men specifically.

okay MASH/perils-of-gay-fandom tangent over. basically, House is a mediocre show, albeit with some very good acting. it offers great fodder for fanwork because the characters are all some kind of hot mess (except for Foreman), it's got plenty of sex and drugs, and despite the fact that every medical drama to ever exist has contained all of these elements setting each other off, there's still a societal expectation that doctors and nurses have their shit together. these are people who are responsible for human life, so they can't possibly be sex-having, substance-abusing, hot messes, right?

[kpoppharmacy]

~Album Review~

aespa - Armageddon - The 1st Album

10 songs, 30 minutes 57 seconds

Supernova

Armageddon

Set The Tone

Mine

Licorice

BAHAMA

Long Chat (#<3)

Prologue

Live My Life

Melody

Thoughts:

This is aespa's first FULL album, only mini albums prior. And, this is the first aespa album I am reviewing on my blog. I really am a big fan of aespa. I have never been a giant stan for this group, but I have been following them since pre-debut, and I love all of their title tracks. I am always tuning in and paying attention to aespa. Now, after this amazing release, I may stan this group. They are absolutely cemented as one of my favorite girl groups.

The opening tracks are their two title tracks. Supernova is an amazing opening track. It is quirky, poppy, hip-hoppy, and just overall a lot of fun. I love seeing them experimenting with song structure again, like with the dance break portion. The girls sound amazing, the vocals are A1 throughout the entire album. The Ah Oh Ay in the chorus is SO addicting. And, trust me, I heard that INCOMING! in the beginning, Dem Jointz... Overall, perfect aespa song. Oh wait, actually, Armageddon is the perfect aespa song. The genre of aespa I like more than fun and campy aespa, is dramatic and intense aespa. I love when they really bring out the futuristic, cyberpunk, apocalyptic vibe. Supernova felt maybe more alien inspired. This song is all apocalyptic intensity. It is also very mesmerizing, the Oh wayo wayo just brings me in. I can get lost in this song as easily my heart races to it. I do appreciate that they brought in some more gritty rap/hip-hop portions too. There are some differing opinions on the dance break, but I love it. These two tracks are, need I say it again, PERFECT.

Then, the next two tracks keep the energy up. Set the Tone is an edgy hip-hop track, with a bit of a pop vibe. It is a great song to follow up Armageddon, but they don't spoil their best b-sides quite yet at this point. Mine follow STT is great. Brings you right back to the gritty vibe. This song is cocky, and a bit sexy. It is also lowkey, not in your face, but confident nonetheless. They feature some amazing vocals here as well. I'm getting a 2000s edgy pop vibe from this song, like Rihanna could have released it. This is definitely a high point of the album.

Then the next 3 songs take us to a different vibe, but they continue driving the album forward and keeping the listeners interest. Licorice is where the vibe changes to something more bright. It is also an experimental song. It is a rock-rap song? There's a heavy guitar pushing the song forward the entire time. The lyrics and vocals make this song feel kind of cute too. Overall, this song is very enjoyable to me, and brings a lot of diversity to the album. Then, BAHAMA brings the summer vibe. I guess the album was released during the summer, after all. I still can't shake the feeling that this song is misplaced on this album. It is a great song, but this song has had an edgy, experimental vibe thus far. Genres featured have been hip-hop, rap, pop, and rock. But, then BAHAMA is a tropical beat song. It also begs the question, when would aespa be able to release this b-side? So, I guess it could slide. The girls like this song, so I just keep that in mind. Long Chat is a personal favorite. I am not too sure why, if it is because of the track video posted, or if the song is genuinely good. The bass and lyrics on this song are so quirky, and the song switches up from an almost R&B vibe right back into the quirkiness. Very experimental overall. I love that the song is just about friend's talking all night. Makes me want to send the girls memes and Facetime all night.

Then, the last three songs really bring the vibe down a few notches. Prologue is a pop song, with a sad vibe to it. In the chorus, the girls admit they are weirdos and they don't know what to do with their lives. I like the realness of this song. The message can be relatable. I do like this song, I think it adds to the album, truly. However, it just starts the part of the album that brings the vibe down for me.

LML sounds like a Disney song to me. It is a pop rock song. I could see aespa on Camp Rock playing this song, bending their knees during the chorus, and catching the eye of their love interest in the audience. However, the vocals really save this song for me. I think it sounds good, too. Just, after the intensity I experienced in this album, this song does not compare and can seem a bit weak in comparison. I do imagine this song would go hard live though. Then, the final song, Melody. Of course, it is a ballad. This is SM entertainment after all. The ballad is almost required at times. This is NOT the worst ballad I've heard in my life, however. It is actually quite nice. When I let the album play through, I do not skip this song. It is really pretty. The drums and strings are nice. I just really wish the album didn't end with this song. I wanted the album to leave me breathless. I wanted the final song to leave me wanting more, and also not knowing how to process.

Overall, this album is AMAZING. Definitely the best album I've heard this year. 0 skips. I would only change a few things. If it were my choice, I would take out the ballad and rearrange the songs where the album ended with Mine. I just really wished the ending was as intense as the beginning, and the re-listen experience was better. One of my favorite kpop albums ever, The Dream Chapter: Eternity, ends on a song that just leaves you breathless and unable to process. Makes me want to listen to the album over and over again, just to get to the end every time. I know it's about the journey, not the destination, but sometimes... it is about the destination. I am just being nitpicky though. This album is gold.

Rating: 9.5/10

[ronin-deactivated19851026]

so i've been extremely overwhelmed by....... i guess everything online lmao, it's really hard to focus on things when you're constantly bombarded with things you don't really need at the moment

i'm trying to get back into journaling but damn it's so hard. i know my head isn't empty, i spawn walls of texts almost daily, but my mind goes blank when i'm in front of an open notebook because i don't know what's truly worthy of writing down? it's kind of like with drawing at this point. i'm stuck with the art block because i don't know what's worthy of drawing. and guess what made me feel this way? the social media lmfao. i hate that literally every idea i consider cool i never depict because my brain immediately goes like, "who cares about this?", "this won't get noticed and also you're too late, so don't be cringe", etc

i hate this so much idk. anyway, i think i'm going to make a list of things to focus on, both personal projects/artistic inspirations and fandom related ones. i do have things i overfixate on for years, so why am i letting myself be distracted by some random content ideas that only matter to me for like a day or two...?

i should also start limiting inspirations in general, looking at my folder rn and realizing that there are just WAY TOO MANY things i want to incorporate into my work and it really overwhelms me. reminds me of various artists saying that "less is more" and holy crap i should start limiting myself. this is something i slowly started to realize on my own when i did some pixel art, which is limited already due to its nature, with some color palettes instead of randomly staring at a color wheel for half an hour, not being able to decide which one to use.

also i found out about artfol, social media for artists, and so far it seems promising? haven't tried it yet, maybe i will upload some stuff there later. also maybe i'll finally sort everything here on tunglr dot com and make a separate art blog and will use this one as my "main"-diary-esque blog where i won't post much. it's not like i'm on here anyway, my dash feels overwhelming so i don't even scroll past 3-4 posts a day anymore on here. i'm tired of social media. it doesn't feel personal anymore, it's not fun, not interesting...

fomo effect used to fuck me up before something clicked and i stopped scrolling things. because due to nature of the modern internet, i have more chances of stumbling across useful/interesting information if i just keep scrolling through junk. since as you know, google is dead anyway, shit is hard to find these days, and indeed, every cool thing i managed to find was through random braindead scrolling (post 2016 i mean, i miss mid 2000s era when stuff was actually GOOGLEABLE and you didn't need to scroll long ass feed to stumble across cool things, you could get there at your own pace while just surfing the web). so the habit was made worse by "damn what if i miss some obscure post that features obscure cool thing that will matter to me once i get to know it??" but i'm just so fucking exhausted... everything i love about the internet because so dormant, niche even. the internet, as i define it, is dead to me. it's really heartbreaking

[guywrestlingaddiction]

What turned me gay (not really) - Tarzan Fight Scenes

Continuing my exploration of impressionable "gay" moments, in this chapter I examine my fascination with another major contributor to my sexual journey. Again, this post is inspired by the sidelineland.com blog in the author's tongue and cheek look into "what made me gay (not really)".  The blog holds up well with time and although this author no longer posts on a regular basis, it's still worth checking out today in my opinion.  So without further delay, here is :

What turned me gay (not really) ... 

Tarzan (Mike Henry / Miles o Keeffe)

Tarzan, specifically his fight scenes in film/shows turned me gay.  And while I know this is cliché for me to crush on Tarzan; it is cliché for an obvious reason - Tarzan cemented my gay origin story.  While I had an interest in guys before Tarzan, my obsession with this character truly cemented the idea in me that I was in fact gay.  Life was different back in the 1990's / early 2000's, and admitting to yourself that you were gay was a huge step, essentially the equivalent of potentially cutting off all your friends and family.  Don't get me wrong things were better than earlier periods however, you honestly never knew how some of those difficult conversations would go and I personally found myself dumped by all my high school friends after coming out.

But I digress and to put it simply, Tarzan was proof that girls didn't do it for me as I would go to long and difficult lengths just to catch a few minutes of a muscled, shirtless Tarzan fighting off some villain.  I recall staying up past midnight waiting to record some old Tarzan movie on AMC or kicking myself later when I missed some appearance on TV. 

Tarzan and the Lost City - Mike Henry It was all worth it to stay up until dawn and shift through the entire movie for just a few minutes of Tarzan looking hot and sweaty wrestling with a villain.

Another point I want to clarify is this post doesn't include just Tarzan but all of this "type" meaning a shirtless, muscled, tanned, and most importantly masculine protector in the jungle or otherwise "badlands" battling villains.  In addition to Tarzan, I'd place Deathstalker, Gor, John Carter, the Beast Master, even George of the Jungle, in this genre.  

George of the Jungle - Brandon FrazierIt was a confusing time to be a young boy and attracted to George.  Admitting it was like telling someone you had a thing for a cartoon character.

Tarzan represented a pattern for me; I would get giddy when I saw a show of this type was airing, I would sit through hours of parts that were of no interest to me, just for a few minutes of payoff.  I also need to mention that this guy is most likely the mold for my ideal type of guy today - hyper masculine but compassionate, tanned, tall, and strong enough to fuck someone up.  Lastly, one thing that is hard to acknowledge but I need to for the sake of self-discovery, this "hero" was almost always a white guy and I do wonder what part this plays into my current tastes in guys.  For example, how often am I attracted to a certain guy because he was imprinted on me in my youth as the masculine stallion to idolize? 

Mike Henry as Tarzan Tall, masculine, and Hairy. A young me fantasizing about him gave me no doubt I was gay.

In any case, the sexy, nearly-naked Adonis left a deep mark on my subconscious and has repercussions on me to this very day. Watching a strong, masculine guy fight off the bad guy will forever be a small part of my origin story on what made me gay.  

Selected Appearances [Not all shown]

Now the biggest question ... who is the hottest Tarzan?  Without a doubt Mike Henry is the hottest Tarzan to me.  Feel free to disagree but again this is just an opinion. 

Hottest (Mike Henry)

Tarzan and the Valley of Gold - Mike Henry  Hairy, Tall, shows lots of leg and plenty of fight scenes

Runners Up

Tarzan in Manhattan and a Television series - Joe Lara 

Tarzan the Ape Man - Miles o Keeffe

Tarzan, the Ape Man - Denny Miller Hot, but too bad Tarzan was hairless back then

The Legend of Tarzan - Alexander Skarsgard I did try to like this movie, but one of the most appealing things about Tarzan is his legs and we don't see a lot with him 

Tarzan and the Lost City - Casper Van Dien  I also tried to like this iteration (after seeing him in Starship Troopers) but there was just something I couldn't enjoy about it.

Similar movies 

George of the Jungle - Brandon Frazier

Gor - Urbano Barberini

John Carter - Taylor Kitsch

Deathstalker II - John Terlesky

-

For the original post, check out:

[thesomebodywho]

The somebody who?

In my previous post I briefly mentioned possibly wanting to reserve my username being a reaseon for this blog even existing. It feels a bit silly to be attached to a username but I have been thesomebodywho or somebodywho for over a decade now.

What then is the idea behind thesomebodywho? To best answer this I need to start from the beginning.

Sometime in the mid 2000s I started playing Runescape. Of course I needed to come up with a username. That username was "finlandme." The logic behind this was that "finland" signals that I am Finnish and then the "me" part implies that I know English. In hindsight that logic probably did not work although I never interacted with anyone in Runescape, which might have been a blessing in disguise. Unfortunately we cannot then know whether or not my ironclad logic worked.

My Runescape username feels pretty irrelevant but it works as somewhat of a prototype for my next username 'somebodywho.' Back in 2008 I heard of a cool new game called Roblox. Although current Roblox is sadly infamous for unironically exploiting the creativity of children for profits. I suppose this was the writing on the wall even from the beginning but at least Back then we did not have video tutorials about monetizing your game with microtransactions but I digress.

Similiarly to "finlandme" "somebodywho" had a logic to it. This time the "somebody" part was just that an unknown person. The latter 'who' part though was supposed to invoke the feeling of mystery. "Somebody but who" was the question I wanted everyone to think of when they saw me.

Initially it was just another username within the hundreds of usernames others saw daily. Then one fateful day I remember someone actually inform me in chat that they would find out who I was. Now, normally this would be a terrifying threat but considering the logic behind my username I was ecstatic that someone else actually realized the genious behind the mystery I propositioned. Nothing ever came from that but having my username essentially validated did become a core memory of sorts.

On Christmas eve 2010 I got a physical copy of Portal from my late grandfather. Excitedly started creating a Steam account but to my shock and horror I realized that the name 'somebodywho' was already taken. Steam did, of course, suggest variants such as adding numbers to the end or a 'the' in front. Of course I thought that everyone knew who somebodywho from Roblox was and I decided on 'thesomebodywho' because I was the somebodywho from Roblox.

I remember still clinging on to just 'somebodywho' for a few years because I did create accounts after my Steam account where I used somebodywho. Currently I just use thesomebodywho by default unless it is unavailable due to length or being taken.

Despite the cringey and and almost narcissistic origins of my protagonist-ass username I have grown attached to the simplicity and cleanness. Just three words, no caps, no numbers, no special characters, country tags or weird X's around it. To toot my own horn, it is simply minimalistic and beautiful in a way. Coincidentally it is also super un Googleable.

This would not be a complete retrospective on my online usernames if I left out the dark horse of my usernames "GigaManDX." At some point I was really into the MegaMan Starforce series, especially the second game because I only got the first one a bit later and the third game was never released in Europe. (Where is my remastered collection Capcom!?!?)

As a kid I created an OC called GigaMan who was essentially just MegaMan but stronger because giga > mega. This unfortunately managed to bleed into my online accounts.

The bosses in the second game can be rematched for a bigger challenge and better rewards a so called EX-version if I remember correctly. Now, the US version of the game also has hidden DX versions of the bosses only accessible by inputting secret codes. I most likely played the US version because I only owned the game on a bootleg 500 games in one style cartridge. Regardless, these DX versions were super strong and of course to boost my OCs power level I tacked a DX at the end.

In hindsight, of course, all this logic and weird unfounded belief in being famous looks pretty cringey but this all is just what kids do. Realistically I should be proud of my imagination and confidence even if I try to purge GigaManDX off of the face of the internet. The strongest evidence for my wild imagination being quite clever is the fact that I am thesomebodywho even to this day.

[rozinaaa]

I Need To Self Host This Blog And Potentially Merge It With My Personal Website

I'm thinking about object impermanence that exists with a lot more emphasis on the internet, where platforms come and go, taking all of the things that happen to be on there, and throwing them into the void, never to be seen again.

I'm thinking about how GeoCities (and similar sites of the 90's) met their fate when they got brought out and made obsolete, to make way for new things, and how MySpace dealt with a similar fate in the 2000s, just as I was getting online, along with all of the content that has been subject to gatekeeping by forcing users to have an account to be able to access content on a platform (such as Instagram), or forcing them to pay up, although a lot of platforms tend to do both of them at the same time, mainly to have their cake (more users equals more data points) and eat it (they can track users down and demand money from them if they keep on throwing money at them), which is really just rented out space on the internet.

I say this, because I'm worried that Tumblr will follow a similar fate, where rules might change, and where I might arrive at the front door, only to find out that I've been locked out of the apartment complex because they've changed the keys.

Additionally, I don't want to gatekeep my posts anymore, since I'm no longer required to have a private tumblr account to blog about my final year of University anymore, and also because someone out there might find what I've said so far useful for their own research and other methods of thinking, so it makes sense to make it public, and on my own space, ideally on my own site.

I have no idea how I'd do this, but I think I'll probably get a separate domain (ideally with the same username as this blog), create a website from scratch with handcoded HTML (and a very minimal UI, since I typically focus on just words now, so I'd want it to actually be readable for others), and do it from there, since it feels strange (and borderline illegal) to voluntarily do a University module months after I submitted the assignment and months after I graduated, especially now that I'm fairly settled into my job, so ideally, I'd like a space of my own, where this can just be a standalone project and blog/digital garden, where I just keep adding my thoughts in lieu of social media and all of its contraptions (because tumblr is technically a form of social media), so that I can at least post things the way I want to do it, as well as basically doing it whenever I please, instead of posting for the sake of posting, just so that some algorithms acknowledge my existence in an increasingly fast-paced world.

The reason why I want to get a separate domain for this blog is that blogging with my full name feels too formal, and I think that the domain which consists of my full name should be used in a more professional context (i.e. to be a portfolio which I would show to future employers and anyone who would be interested in working with me professionally), whereas blogging with just my first name (despite it being fairly uncommon) is impossible to do and almost unimaginative, so meeting myself in the middle (where I just concatenate my first name, and the first two letters of my last name) feels just right, since I can let loose and do what I want.

This stems from my professional and personal Instagram accounts, where they both followed the exact same naming conventions, down to the usernames (although I nuked my personal Instagram account the week before I turned 19, but kept the professional one for "professional purposes", although it didn't really have that much of an effect on me), since I felt restricted in what I could post on my professional account (because of professionalism, which almost feels stifling and too formal to actually do anything apart from maintaining a level of professionalism), versus the possibilities on my personal account (in which I alternated between it being public and private), where I could post whatever I wanted without any judgement, or the fear of looking unprofessional when I was supposed to put my best foot forward.

I guess that's followed me through for quite a while now, since I now want a personal website that actually feels personal to me, and where I feel comfortable in sharing what I want without feeling like I need to have a personal brand, so this feels like an updated version of that defunct Instagram account, where I chose that username on a whim when I was about 15 because I wanted to use just my first name, but that was taken, so I decided to add two extra A's to it (without really thinking about the fact that I was combining both my first and last names together until much later), and it just felt natural, especially since the other girls my age did similar things where they added extra letters to their first name as well (especially if their names also ended with an A, since the other option was to either drop all vowels, or substitute the vowels with an X, but those didn't really sit right with me), so this was a sign that I could just be myself without any pretense or having to aggrandise myself.

I guess full names are typically associated with formality (especially if people have middle names, that which I do not have, but is something that I find intriguing), so finding something that's not too formal or too informal (my first name is essentially a longer version of "Rosie", and I will respond to that name as well if it's said within earshot of me (even when I'm in public), but I don't actively go by that name outside of my family circle, so that's more of a family name for me, rather than a public one, since it feels too informal to me, and is mainly used when I'm around the house) is definitely the right balance, and in terms of the online world, going by my first name and the first two letters of my last name is definitely the way to go, since using my full name would mean that I would need a personal brand (especially as a lot of people from a wide range of different professions use their name as the name of their brand/business), and that's something that I don't want to do.