#i want to know you because living parallel to your trauma scared me when i was younger and when i grew to know your trauma myself

[vonochs]

advantages of have-nots

-- SOMETIMES, MONICA WOULD have laid on the floor.

Her mom would cluck her tongue, cast her glance over her and say something along the lines of “ don’t do that ”, just as any self-respecting parent would do when they saw their child lounging about, but the results usually ended up being more or less the same: the prompt meant that Monica’d do nothing more than curl up further, than allow herself to pick at the crust that’d appear in the cracks of the floor and giggle to herself.

It was novel, after all. Laying on the floor brought a whole different perspective to the world and her tasks in the most literal of senses. Eating food felt all the more exciting when her head was cocked at such an angle that she ran the risk of choking herself, and the thought process carried on to far more dangerous things like riding a horse or sliding down the roof of their home.

The change, the thrill of it all from doing oh, so little on her part, by doing nothing more than making the slightest of tweaks to her life in order to experience something so vastly different: that’s what threatened joy for her, just those few times. Those moments when things that were different were good.

Edelgard’s shift was different.

When someone’s hair goes from brown to white, you typically think they’d dyed it. That’s what Monica had assumed, what she’d stated when the girl showed up in front of her again.

The details, well...

She’d never been proven wrong, at the very least, so she had little reason to assume otherwise! If Edelgard had a bit more awkward to play with after that fact - when she had the time to play with her at all, really - then it wasn’t for her to pry.

It was skewed it was different it was wrong, and although Monica couldn’t- wouldn’t- shouldn’t be able to place a name to that feeling, no one could, she scratches at the back of such a thought when her hands are tied behind her back and she finds herself on the floor once more.

She was there for three months. For three months she thought about her mother telling her to get up. For three months she thought- Edelgard.

Why? She’d only seen the girl again in passing when she’d returned to the school, offered a few meek and kind greetings but never enough to think that she’d actually made an impression to the girl, never enough to get her clogged up in her brain. Nausea accompanied her on that floor in the same way that longing threatened to, and for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why the latter seemed so pertinent in her head.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I’ll see her again, get out of here and figure something out.

She had, ish... no, she had, period. she’d been lifted up by the scruff of her neck like a wet kitten and dredged back up into the Monastery. She’d passed by Edelgard and smiled primly and it’d been enough and fine and the questions in the back of her head only got worse and worse and--

AGH.

There’s nothing worse than the intense memory of second-hand embarrassment, and it hits Monica just as class draws to a close. All she can do is bury her head into her hands as the thought chases her though her mind, sighing fervently and then glancing back upwards.

She’s there. Right there, y’know.

That’s right. Not a single thing is preventing her from getting up and extending a hand, from warbling through a greeting, to-

Ah. She’s there already. Hm.

Monica finds herself on the floor all again, fumbling to find words for once in her life. “ Uuuhm, Edel? “ She’d hummed, hands wrapped round her back. “ You wouldn’t happen to have, uhm, “ what, “ aaaa... cat food? “ and???? “ To. Erhm. Feed the cats, you know. They’ve been ‘round campus soooo much, we really should have a squad dedicated to taking care of them all! Lest they grow hungry and all that. “

Nailed it, in all your fabulous failure.

@hresvelged

[mexipoopy]

On Repeat - OC Tag Stuff

I was tagged by @acidheaddd to do this and AH thank you I've been mulling over this A LOT and it really made me think hard on my OCs and their stories. Credits to @elderwisp(a cool guy) for the idea.

OK! Onto the LORE

Ai [FSU -BigKlit]

1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4 Fuck it up, I wanna see the bodies hit the floor 5 shot, 6 shot, 7 shot, 8 We don't give a fuck, we burning down the whole place Fuck shit up, I wanna fuck shit up, I wanna fuck shit up

Rage, rage, rage. That's definitely a word to describe this guy. Ai is very aggressive due to good old trauma~* but despite his violent tendencies he's full of highly energized spite and fun, so this song encapsulates his personality pretty accurately with its fast pace and aggressive lyrics. A fist with a bright shining smile to accompany it.

Marisol [Holy Weather -Civil Twilight]

It’s not too late to go home Passion is this weight on my shoulders So why did you follow me into this den When all the bluest stars paint your name In a sky of black You must go back

Are you lost little soul? Marisol is a bit of a wanderer, who lets her curiosity dictate her actions. But where that curiosity leads her is full of a darkness that beckons her soul to light her path. She is constantly told to turn back by many colorful characters, despite this, she persists. There is a particular entity who crosses paths with her soul and is unable to escape her tenacity. This song with its regretful lyrics and soft instrumentals, parallel the dynamic of her affect on those around her especially the one that holds her soul closest to theirs and the consequences that happen because of it.

Isaiah [Daydreaming -Radiohead]

Beyond the point Of no return Of no return Then it's too late The damage is done The damage is done This goes Beyond me Beyond you

Liminal. Inhuman. Existence. Isaiah, if that is his true identity, is an individual full of whimsical mysteries and questions. What happens when a person dies, and who will lead us into the afterlife? Will the reaper come to aid us in our desperate confusion upon our passing? Where will you go? This song, compels the listener to wander and be lured by its ethereal instrumentals and the darkness that looms around it, much like how the darkness and uncertainty of death lingers among the living.

Jasper [You Don't Own Me -Tamino]

You may keep me hеre You seem to know just how To pin me to the ground Each timе you come around Take away my home Obscuring what I am And plague me all night long And lay claim to freedom's song

What good is greed if you don't possess yourself? Even the strongest can fall folly to abusive, parasitic relationships. Jasper, even in his conception was never meant to enjoy the freedom of individuality. Being a prisoner inside his own body and shackled by family ties and a predatory lover that only wishes to possess him, his autonomy is never of his own volition. Still, his soul persists, fighting and gnashing at every opportunity to break free from those that hold him captive. This song is one of rebelling to that which wants to possess and control you, which bears a haunting resemblance to Jasper's own struggles.

Anabelle [Do You Feel Real -Sevdaliza]

I thought I'd heal from you Or you'd escaped from me Maybe I'm too scared to forget you I just can't remember how it feels like to function without Absorbed in total free fall It's a waste of time It's not that serious

My void is one that comforts and cures a loneliness that it causes. What do you do when the only thing that comforts you is the presence of evil? When that is all that you are used to? Anabelle was born spreading death and misery wherever she went. But why? Is it the shadow that follows her and protects her as everything else withers away? Accompanied by low and drawn out instrumentals, the lyrics of this song perpetuate a relationship that is parasitic and addictive in nature, one that you thought you overcame but it persists. Anabelle craves love from the living and dreads the darkness that lingers and keeps her isolated. Still, she is plagued by her need to have it close or else her loneliness will destroy her.

Ira [Daisy -Brand New]

I'm a mountain that has been moved I'm a river that is all dried up I'm an ocean nothing floats on I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot I'm a moon that never shows its face I'm a mouth that doesn't smile I'm a word that no one ever wants to say

I am nothing. I crave to become everything. Ira is an anomaly. He exists but in a plane that no living creature can exist, all he knows, he knows from a dream that connects to his. She is beautiful, living, while he is nothing. Envy feeds his hunger, but nothing ever happens. HE shouldn't exist, yet he does. A paradox, much like the message of this song. The dream persists and reminds him that he should exist. But why is he here and not there? Maybe she can help him become real, and not a dream.

_________________________________

AND that's it for that lol! I have way more characters that I have music for (but i don't have official finalized sim versions of them) so i just included these guys for now, I could include my Envidia story characters but i felt like this post is pretty long as it is sajkfa my bad. LOL all my song choices are existential/depressing save for Ai, because he's built different lol.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

So here I am, unable to sleep again, because of the horrifying attack on Israel.

The stories keep coming out and for every new detail I find out, another part of my soul shatters.

[***massive trigger warning for the rest***]

I feel like I'm living in a parallel world to everyone who is not affected by this situation. It's been surreal to go about my work day and regular life as if the images of blood-soaked cradles, burned corpses, raped and wounded women, captives of all ages being taken away on vehicles, video of a small child being taunted for crying for his mother, body bags lined up in rows on the ground, torched cars and homes, and the raw grief of the surviving family members aren't burned onto the backs of my eyelids.

One account I read from a family member of the deceased was that she was beaten, raped in multiple ways and sticks shoved into each place, and left for dead. Another I came across spoke of a small child being forced to watch his parents tortured, killed, and hacked apart. Still another I saw was a report of several children bludgeoned to death so as not to "waste the bullets."

How can I possibly begin to process this?

These people look just like the people in my communities and the friends I've made across the sea. They have my Hebrew teacher's hair, my rabbi's cheekbones, they sound like the shinshinim kids we have each year. They look like the baby nephews of my fellow congregants. I could have davened next to any of them and never known. It is only sheer dumb luck that I don't personally know someone who has died or lost close family.

There has been a pit of dread in my stomach since Shimini Atzeret that will not go away. I find myself on the verge of tears at all times, yet have not been able to actually cry (which is not a good sign; an inability to express sadness in tears is a known post-trauma response for me) and I cannot rest normally. Sometimes I can distract myself for a bit, but the pain and grief rush back in immediately when I remember.

I can feel, in real time, this Jewish cultural trauma sinking into my bones.

And you might think I might be able to separate myself from it since I'm not there and don't have family there. But I can't, because I don't want to. I can't, because some tether bound me forever to the land as soon as my feet hit the ground there, and some part of my soul stayed behind when I left. I don't want to, because these are my people and so they are my adoptive family, even if I do not know them. I am my brother's keeper.

And so here I stand, half a world away from the danger, nervous and scared and grieving, searching our perfectly blue sky for signs of missiles that are not falling here and being startled constantly by the normal and unbroken landscape. The lush beauty of Midwestern autumn woods is juxtaposed in my mind with Middle Eastern walls painted in the blood of my people and their broken bodies beneath them. I see it in the waking light of day as clear as anything in front of me, and walk around like a person divided, in both places at once yet not being fully present in either. I cannot unsee it.

How can I possibly explain this? To myself? To the people actually having to live this nightmare? To the other people removed from the immediate physical danger but who do have blood relatives and/or other family there that they're just praying stay safe and come home at the end of the day? That they are constantly checking their phones for updates or even minimal signs that they're still alive?

The words fail me, but I the closest thing I have to an answer is love. I love my people and I would rather absorb this pain with them and carry it in my soul forever than look away from Jewish suffering. That is a promise I made by joining this people, that my fate would forever be bound up in the collective fate of klal Yisrael. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you stay, I will stay; your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-d. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus and more may Hashem do to me if anything but death parts me from you.

אַל־תִּפְגְּעִי־בִ֔י לְעׇזְבֵ֖ךְ לָשׁ֣וּב מֵאַחֲרָ֑יִךְ כִּ֠י אֶל־אֲשֶׁ֨ר תֵּלְכִ֜י אֵלֵ֗ךְ וּבַאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּלִ֙ינִי֙ אָלִ֔ין עַמֵּ֣ךְ עַמִּ֔י וֵאלֹהַ֖יִךְ אֱלֹהָֽי׃ בַּאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּמ֙וּתִי֙ אָמ֔וּת וְשָׁ֖ם אֶקָּבֵ֑ר כֹּה֩ יַעֲשֶׂ֨ה יְהֹוָ֥ה לִי֙ וְכֹ֣ה יוֹסִ֔יף כִּ֣י הַמָּ֔וֶת יַפְרִ֖יד בֵּינִ֥י וּבֵינֵֽךְ׃

[רות א]

I do not take that lightly, and I feel it in my bones. Some core part of me shattered at the same time as the rest of my community.

I cannot, and I will not look away. I will not close my heart or shield myself from this tragedy. And I will not forget.

עַ֥ל נַהֲר֨וֹת ׀ בָּבֶ֗ל שָׁ֣ם יָ֭שַׁבְנוּ גַּם־בָּכִ֑ינוּ בְּ֝זׇכְרֵ֗נוּ אֶת־צִיּֽוֹן׃ עַֽל־עֲרָבִ֥ים בְּתוֹכָ֑הּ תָּ֝לִ֗ינוּ כִּנֹּרוֹתֵֽינוּ׃ כִּ֤י שָׁ֨ם שְֽׁאֵל֪וּנוּ שׁוֹבֵ֡ינוּ דִּבְרֵי־שִׁ֭יר וְתוֹלָלֵ֣ינוּ שִׂמְחָ֑ה שִׁ֥ירוּ לָ֝֗נוּ מִשִּׁ֥יר צִיּֽוֹן׃ אֵ֗יךְ נָשִׁ֥יר אֶת־שִׁיר־יְהֹוָ֑ה עַ֝֗ל אַדְמַ֥ת נֵכָֽר׃ אִֽם־אֶשְׁכָּחֵ֥ךְ יְֽרוּשָׁלָ֗͏ִם תִּשְׁכַּ֥ח יְמִינִֽי׃ תִּדְבַּֽק־לְשׁוֹנִ֨י ׀ לְחִכִּי֮ אִם־לֹ֢א אֶ֫זְכְּרֵ֥כִי אִם־לֹ֣א אַ֭עֲלֶה אֶת־יְרוּשָׁלַ֑͏ִם עַ֝֗ל רֹ֣אשׁ שִׂמְחָתִֽי׃

[תהלים קלז]

[yallemagne]

I want to write a Lucy-Jonathan parallels post but have no gothlit followers, hope someone makes one hint hint

jipoawgrji ARE YOU COMMISSIONING ME TO MAKE A POST??

Also, never be scared to make a post that's sort of out of your usual wheelhouse. But I'm guessing you're simply baiting me but by god, I love talking about my girlies, so I'm taking the bait.

So, Lucy and Jonathan :))). This is fun because I don't really see people comparing them by themselves, always throwing Mina in and/or excluding Jonathan for being male.

Spoilers for like the entire beginning of the book.

Let's go over differences first, right?

So, Jonathan is poor and an orphan with a father figure who gave everything to him in death. Lucy is upper class and has her mother who (if Lucy ever changed her mind) effectively wrote Lucy out of her will. Jonathan is sent away for work alone. Lucy is on vacation with her mother and best friend. Jonathan and Mina have been together since before the start of the book. Lucy and Arthur seem to, at most, only been going steady before Arthur proposes during the events of the book. Jonathan is completely alone in a castle bereft of human life yet still lives, but Lucy is surrounded by life and still dies. There are probably more, but I would be here all day.

And then the similarities.

They had such bright futures ahead of them. Jonathan finally had a career that would allow him to marry Mina, and Lucy had found a man who could not only provide for her but who she loved and who loved her back with all his heart. But they were both in the wrong places at the wrong time. Factors outside of their control led to their victimization, and they were powerless to take action to prevent their abuse or call attention to it for fear of repercussions.

They are both victimized because they went somewhere that was meant to be welcoming (for Jonathan, the Weird Sisters' room and for Lucy, the churchyard). They are both assaulted in their sleep and an outside force is there to interfere. Jonathan could write about the women, but not what happened with the Count afterwards (whether nothing actually happened or he had forgotten/blocked it out, we can't be certain). Lucy could speak about her "strange dream" but only in the context of it being a dream, and only to Mina. Both of them can only truly confide in Mina, and even then, they keep pertinent information to themselves so as to not burden her and so they can continue living in denial, because facing the abuse head-on is terrifying, especially since their reputations could be destroyed if anyone ever even suspected. But when Jonathan's trauma is validated by Van Helsing, he gets better. Meanwhile, Van Helsing suspects the cause of Lucy's trauma but chooses to keep quiet, and she dies.

Jonathan's only protector for two months was his abuser. He had to comply with his wishes or else be thrown to the wolves. And even then, when the Count was done with him, he decided to throw him to the wolves anyway, and it was only by Jonathan's tenacity that he wasn't killed and turned. Jonathan leaves the castle having left a permanent scar on the Count's forehead. Then, his protectors are the nuns and then Mina herself. Lucy's protector was Mina until she was called away to save Jonathan. Then Lucy's protectors are Dr. Seward and Dr. Van Helsing. One is completely ignorant of vampires but willing to call for help, and one knows of them but is unwilling to share life-saving information (yes, I am still mad). Lucy leaves this world having written a diary entry confirming the Professor's suspicions.

They both do what they can for themselves and for others, but they are both placed at a disadvantage. They both love and are loved by Mina. They both have a trio vying for their attention, but while Lucy's suitors respect her choice, and she happily chooses to marry Arthur, the Weird Sisters see Jonathan as nothing but a meal, and they pick who gets to have him first. There's also the fuckign wolves. The Count uses wolves to torment them both, killing the grieving mother and Lucy's mother right in front of them, breaking them down further.

These babies got me fucked up. They're both conditioned to be submissive, Jonathan being poor and forced to depend on the goodwill of richer people like his boss and his client, and Lucy being of a higher class but being a woman and having no property of her own, forced to depend on men and even her friend who is a career woman. And, this is personal headcanon, but I headcanon them both to be the youngest in the cast, Lucy at 19 and Jonathan at 21 (EDIT: lol, Lucy being 19 is literally just book canon).

I could say so much about them. Honestly, next time, say something specific to target, because there's just so much you could compare between the two.

LIKE JONATHAN COMPARES HIMSELF TO HAMLET AND LUCY COMPARES HERSELF TO OPHELIA. THEY LITERALLY?? THEY HAVE THE SAME FAVOURITE PLAY??!!

[angeart]

the last anon about mumbo RLLY got me thinking because. The situation with hmtb Mumbo and Grian is so so so similar to my ex best friend it's a bit eerie!!! So i'm going to drop my thoughts on it because hngfg brainrot

Like we were great friends for years, right. Everything is fine with these type of friends until it's not. Your life falls apart and you struggle to keep afloat and while they're your best friend and you know they love you... they just. Dont know how to help or handle you. They haven't experienced that type of trauma. It's not their fault but yet it hurts to feel so isolated from them.

So naturally when faced with your best friend unable to help or *understand* what's happening you start to drift towards that other person you met who is more similar. Maybe they've been through the same trauma- or maybe they just are less uncomfy dealing with yours. Whatever it is, you find yourself drawn closer to them through that experience as you learn to cope.

But that old best friend? It's not their fault per-say that they just didnt understand what was happening. It doesn't make them a bad person or an awful friend. But either way you watch in real time as you leave them behind time and time again and you know it will never be the same.

Such a compelling story arc, seriously. I didn't expect to see such a parallel to my own life here but I love it!!! Mumbo just can't fully grasp the experience because he hasn't lived it, so naturally Grian would go to Scar of course because they bonded over that. Such interesting characters xoxo

first of all, thank you for sharing your experiences! i think you put it into words very well.

and... yeah. yeah, yes. that's exactly how it is sometimes, and it reflects into the fic. relationships are complicated, and sometimes things go askew, and it isn't necessarily anyone's fault if neither side quite knows how to deal with the aftermath.

mumbo doesn't know how to deal with grian's trauma. hell, grian doesn't know how to deal with his own trauma. but mumbo needs guidance; he needs explanations upon explanations, and even then the comprehension would evade him. he doesn't know what grian's going through, and he never will.

the idea of trying to make mumbo understand is exhausting, the thought of putting all that pain into words before he's ready for any of them is soul-tearing, and besides, how to explain something like this? something made so much more of feelings than words?

grian can't provide that. so mumbo fumbles, he makes mistakes, he makes things worse with all of his good intentions, until everything hurts too much.

until grian decides to go for the path of less pain.

it's so much easier to lean into scar, who understands. scar, who is also damaged. scar, who knows how it feels to be scared and hurt in the same ways.

mumbo knows grian so well. but he doesn't know what to do with this. and grian needs someone who knows how to handle him right now.

mumbo isn't that person.

is that mumbo's fault? no.

is grian at fault for reaching out for what he needs elsewhere? also no.

it happens. it's painful and regret-riddled, but it happens.

it's just tragic and bittersweet, because neither of them wants it to be this way. they feel that distance slinking in, and they despise it, but are at a loss as to how to stop it. they miss each other, but being near just doesn't seem to work anymore.

it's so impossibly hard for them both to navigate this.

[sukifoof]

hi i am once again back to talk about how flowey is an extremely good example of how to write ptsd :) but this time i am Also thinking about toriel and how similar she and flowey are... i’ve played undertale so many times and i’m Once Again nearing the end of the game, so i’ve been thinking a lot about how everything he says at the end of his fight makes me cry, but ESPECIALLY this line

everything he does is an effort to keep himself from being hurt again. he refuses to let himself get close to anyone, even his own parents, for fear of losing those he loves again. he’d rather kill over and over to have a sense of control over the loss he experienced than accept what happened. he cant let go-- he has to have control, because if he doesn’t, who knows how bad he might get hurt again. he’s an incredibly good example of what dealing with that kind of loss feels like and Oh Boy it Always gets me

its much easier for him to lie to himself and say he doesnt care at all and that he Does have complete control and that he Knows Whats Going To Happen Without A Doubt. he needs to know everything that could happen and he freaks out at any circumstance of learning something new. he says he’s bored, but he doesn’t really seem to... want?? new experiences?? he’s comfortable in this sad little life he lives because he’s scared of the future and what could change.

a lot of his alarm clock dialogue also shows how everything has affected him. of course he goes on about how it would be completely useless if he got a bike and that once you grow up you stop wanting things for the holidays. it’s pretty. depressing... he was deprived of the childhood he should have had, and now he feels it’s too late for him to be allowed to experience that. trauma can like. take a chunk out of your life that you’ll never get back, and it’s really interesting to see how that changed the way flowey views himself and his parents.

and toriel is a perfect emotional parallel to flowey. she closes herself off. she too wants to keep you there forever and pretend everything is perfectly fine, but she breaks so much easier than flowey. the human children she took care of reminded her of the children she lost, and while she doesn’t want to let them go, she does. she wants you to leave and just forget about her a never come back, just like asriel. somebody needs to take care of those flowers. flowey and toriel are extremely similar in the way they handle grief, so that makes this line extremely interesting

toriel will always open her heart to new kids that need to be taken care of, because she feels she failed her own children. toriel is willing to get hurt just to try to correct her past and prove that she can save at least one child. but, she can’t even take care of herself, and neither can flowey. he constantly neglects his emotional needs for the sake of never being hurt ever again, and the fact that toriel does the opposite probably really irks him. he just doesn’t Get it. but he still considers himself the Prince Of This World’s Future. he still tries to take care of toriel and gives her a glass of water when she passes out and puts her to bed.

he still wants to take care of everyone. i don’t know how much i’ve talked about it but i feel like a lot of his relationship with chara was him trying to take care of them as an older brother, and they both were given too much responsibility as children. so the fact that he thinks they died because he didn’t want to fight back, and that the whole kingdom fell into despair after their deaths is. oh boy. he definitely feels like a failure and he doesn’t know how to repair the damage he feels he’s caused. and now that he’s doomed to live in the underground forever, repeating over and over starting from right after everything was ruined for him? of course he thinks there’s no happy endings.

he takes on this huge task of saving everyone at his own expense but he can’t even take care of himself. similar to toriel, frisk almost feels like a redo of what happened with chara. he’s projecting the past onto them, as is common with ptsd. he’s convinced that they’ll leave and he’ll be lonely and sad forever again. so he keeps them there and goes, “okay, if you can defeat me (Which You Cant) i’ll free everyone and break the barrier.” because of COURSE that’s what felt like an impossible challenge to him. he makes himself the delta rune, a symbol of a savior; something he was never able to live up to, and something no child should Have to live up to.

his whole fight is him pretty much fighting against himself and this mindset he’s been stuck with for who knows how long. he has to accept that he can’t control/ save everything and that it’s okay to let go. he has to be saved from his own way of thinking and be shown that he’s worthy of being saved. his “i’m not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again” always makes me cry cuz he’s so clearly reliving his trauma and struggling to accept that chara is gone. it’s just such a good way to depict trauma and loss and how it feels to go through something like that.... flowey is such a well written character i love him

[bedtimegiraffe]

My personal ranking of the the LI's reactions to the upcoming battle

I know I would be a damn mess about all the near-death experiences and want to talk about it. So I've ranked all of our love interests by how well I think they handled your character's obvious trauma!

Starting with the worst...

Pros: Mal, I appreciate that you don't want me to die and want to protect me.

Cons: My guy. My actual primary love interest. I get that you're depressed. I appreciate the honesty. But this is just more pressure! Now I'm responsible for both of our lives!

Pros: Aerin, it's nice that you're not also freaking out. Not about this anyway. That is reassuring. Fighting for the people we care about and each other are strong motivations I can get behind.

Cons: You do not at any point ask if I'm okay. Maybe you don't realize how bad things have been, or you feel like you have no right to ask. And I also don't love 'we might all die tomorrow' coming out mid-make out and immediately before asking if we should take things further. You can just make the offer! Don't act like you wouldn't be into it regardless!

Pros: Valax, I appreciate that you want me to fight back against you. The fact that you wish things were different makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. There are some big obstacles here and I acknowledge that. And you apologize for causing some of the trauma!

Cons: I don't love the energy that we can't figure out a solution. I get that you're very stuck in one way of thinking, but this seems like a great moment to figure something out other than 'We'll wait and see which one of us dies.'

Pros: Nia, I'm very glad you don't want to lose me. And I appreciate the acknowledgment that something might actually manage to kill me this time. I'm perfectly happy be scared together.

Cons: This scene is mostly about making her feel better. Which is fine, a lot of them are. And it's partially MC's fault for not having an option to say, "I'm scared too." But not my favorite.

Pros: Tyril, this is some solid reassurance. You'll be there with me. I'll gladly take that as comfort. Just being with me is probably the best thing to do. It's very practical and in-character.

Cons: I'm slightly confused how you thought armies worked prior to this, but we can get into that another day. As always, you could stand to ask about my feelings more.

Pros: Imtura, I love you. I am so enamored with the way you acknowledge that we could die while not being worried about it. Incredibly reassuring once we get into it.

Cons: You're not in a place to be 100% supportive because you've got your own stuff. But that's life! Overall, excellent work.

Screenshots for illustration purposes taken from Neckrone Shen's very good 4 parallel playthroughs of Blades on youtube. Because these games are so dang hard to replay when I have an idea. I hope using screenshots of someone's posted playthrough is acceptable? Tell me if it's not!

[eerna]

I really like your response to the anon asking about what are the strengths of TFOTA. I think you nailed it regarding how Holly Black hit it out of the park, and I’m curious if you can expand on what you think some of the series missteps were. (TFOTA is an all-time fave for me, but nothing is perfect!)

For me, I think the way she structures her books into different parts does make them drag a little (especially some parts of the middle of The Wicked King). Like sometimes it feels like characters are spinning their wheels a bit while she’s setting everything up for the plot, but I ultimately don’t mind this because her plots are so well executed.

As always, love your breakdowns and critiques so just curious to hear more!

Ayyy thanks, glad you agree! :D

OO yes I heard that as an often critique of her stuff! I do think you're right and the slowness is present, but to me it's not an issue since the characters are fun enough for me never to be bored. I'm the kind of reader who can enjoy the slowest thing imaginable as long as the characters interest me.

Structured like the strengths post, my main issues. 1) The YA writing style of overexplanation. These books are sometimes great at leaving things unsaid, but other times they beat you over the head with the same thing over and over again or go into explanations for stuff you'd think is understood. Example: Jude constantly repeating it is messed up she lives with the guy who killed her parents in book 1. Like. Okay. We know. Trust us we didn't forget it's wrong to kill people and steal their kids. Of course, her constantly thinking about her trauma is part of her character, but it can be expressed in different ways - examples of how this was done well were "I love Madoc, I could love anyone" or "I get scared and I remember the smell of my mother's insides". 2) The repeating stuff from my list of pros... where it doesn't belong. Sometimes characters do or say stuff because HB wants them to do or say them bc she likes to write about it, but it makes NO sense. This was my main issue with TSH - for example, there is absolutely no reason for Oak and Suren's relationship to draw parallels with Jude and Cardan's to the point of repeating phrases, because they are so different that it jerks me right out of the story being told. 3) The editor is asleep on the job. There are quite a few basic editing errors - the amount of times characters smile or grin per page, and the continuity errors. This is the most frustrating aspect because it is so easy to solve!!!!! Just read it once more and click delete!!!! 4) Sometimes HB's "let's go back and elaborate on something from the past to give it a new dimension" works great, and sometimes it makes no sense. Examples: the Ghost betraying Jude because he was forced to, Locke being an Undersea collaborator and a gancanagh. 5) Taryn. She gets her own point because I love her and it's so unsatisfying how she ended up. She spends 2 books girlbossing and being such a sympathetic traitor, then gets pregnant and decides to stop being the worst offscreen and never does another plot relevant thing again. I don't know if HB got tired of her or if she realized everyone hated her and decided to sideline her so people would stop yelling, but MAN is it such a standout bad conclusion among a sea of good ones. 6) JUSTICE FOR OAK GREENBRIAR MY SHORT KING he was always described as tiny and underdeveloped for his age RIGHT up until he became a love interest, when he SUDDENLY started towering over everyone while still overflowing with short king energy. This is a joke to end the list on a happy note but also I would pay for a version of TSH where my monster girl has to lean down to kiss her bf

[grey-and-green]

Ok, but...trauma responses

(Content notice that there is discussion of trauma and reactions, non-specific mentions of sources of religious trauma. Read with care) 

We can (and have, and will continue to) draw lots of parallels and comparisons to how Crowly and Aziraphale perceive Heaven and Hell and The System. I think it’s clear that both have been very frightened of upper management at various points, and both have felt the need to hide some of themselves from even their own side. The threats are real, the danger is real. Capital “T” trauma (you know, the kind that causes PTSD) is “an experience which is life-threatening or poses a significant threat to a person’s physical or psychological wellbeing”. Can’t really argue that that doesn’t very much apply to their entire millennia-long existence, their entire relationship, every single interaction they’ve had with each other, with their own side, with the other side, with Earth and humanity.  

I’m definitely not an expert at religious trauma, but some themes there include trauma directly caused by a member of the church (someone in the church hurts you, but it’s not related to the religion), trauma being seen to compromise your spirituality (something bad happens and you feel your inclusion in the church or your relationship to your god is in danger) and gaslighting/victim blaming by the church (it’s all part of god’s plan, you must somehow deserve your punishment, etc).  

Sound familiar? 

Crowley and Aziraphale are both traumatized.  

But they are coping in different directions.  

Flight: “I don’t want to deal with this” 

Fearful, avoidant. 

Run away, deflect, withdraw, hide. 

-vs- 

Fawn: “I just want everyone to be happy” 

Co-dependent, people-pleasing, rationalizing.  

No boundaries, lack of assertiveness, can’t speak up for self, easily controlled. 

Crowley falls into the Flight pattern. He’s stuck at “the system sucks and I want to pretend it doesn’t exist to the best of my ability” and when things get tough he literally wants to run away. He’s anxious and scared and puts up masks and barriers and walls as a way to hide and to try to make that anxiety and fear go away. Deflect, withdraw. Hide. AVOID. 

Which, like, yeah, I fully get that? But avoidance without processing trauma is not actually a sustainable coping mechanism? And yelling at house plants isn’t actually therapy? Crowley is quite a bit more aware of and ready to admit that Heaven and Hell are both awful, but knowing that someone hurt you and processing what that means for you as a person and figuring out who you are and what you want because of and despite that hurt...yeah our little cinnamon roll isn’t there yet. And running away from the traumatizer, in this situation, means running away from quite a lot of other things as well. You can’t keep Earth and just avert your eyes from The System. And you can’t run away from The System without sacrificing Earth. (and by ‘earth’ I mean humanity and the universe but also one specific being that also happens to, until very recently, live on earth) 

Aziraphale, on the other hand, is coping by Fawning. Because Heaven is the side of good, yes? Sure, there might be a few bad apples, yes, ok, but Heaven? Heaven is good. And surely GOD is good? Right? Like, ok, it’s not perfect, but I’m sure it’ll all come right in the end because deep down they (the abuser) love me and want what’s best for me and I just need to try harder and be better and then they won’t hurt/threaten me anymore.  

Which, when you think about it, is pretty damn tragic. There are a lot of reasons why Aziraphale finds it harder to opt out of the system, even after Apocolypsn’t, but I feel like this is a big part of it. The traumatizer has done such a good job in framing themselves as ‘the good guys’ and Aziraphale is coping by trying to appease them, to rationalize their actions, to find the hidden nugget of ‘good’ in God’s plan even when he can’t see it, because it must be there, right? Somewhere, deep down, it all has to be ineffably good, right? Because what happens if that turns out to not be true?  

So what does all this mean for them, and for their relationship? 

Even though both of them can see that system isn’t perfect (with different degrees of acceptance of this imperfection) both of them still define themselves in relation to Heaven and/or Hell. We (the audience, the fans, Tumblr) know that they have personalities and qualities that exist separate from Heaven and Hell. But they are, both, in their own ways, still quite enmeshed with the system. Aziraphale’s identity is tied to appeasing his abuser, and Crowley’s identity is tied to opposing his abuser.  

And as long as they view themselves through the lens of their individual relationships to the system, they will continue to view their relationship to each other through that lens as well. Which, honestly, doesn’t bode well and ends up pretty much exactly where we ended up in Episode 6.  

I can’t see either of them actually going to actual therapy (no one in history has needed therapy more, but alas it does not fit the world-building or the story, and we probably won’t actually get to see Crowley on a therapist’s couch crying about sauntering vaguely downward and ‘you go to fast’) but they will need to some kind of character development in season 3 to at least start to change this dynamic. Being apart from each other might help. Aziraphale finally realizing that he’s good because of who he is, not because of his job, would be lovely to see. Crowley and Nina getting drunk together and him processing some Emotions out loud and having some Epiphanies would be great. I don’t know what it’s going to look like in-world, but I think the unsustainability of these coping patterns will need to be acknowledged and Michael and David will act their flawless little hearts out and we’ll get to see some Healing.  

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.  

[cookinguptales]

wwdits tarot: strength

As always, thanks to everyone for reading these. I asked for some feedback from my followers on how often they want to see these posts, thinking they'd tell me to cool it and slow down, but most people either wanted them daily or told me to just post whenever I had one ready so. Yeah, we're doing that going forward.

And if you don't want to see these anymore -- good news, that means this will all be done in like two weeks! lmao

Anyway, onto the post. I already sort of said what VIII. Strength was going to be about in the last post, but — well, let’s get into it.

Strength is a card that’s often paired with The Chariot, and that's what I've done here in this deck. Like I discussed in the Chariot post, both deal with inner strength but in different ways. The Chariot is about using your strength, courage, and willpower to manifest your desires in the real world, while Strength is more about quiet fortitude.

Quiet may not quite be the word we’d associate with Nadja of Antipaxos, but bear with me here. I’ll explain what I mean.

At first glance, Strength might not be the first card people would associate with Nadja. She’s a strong woman, obviously, but in a very fiery, brash, loud way. The quiet patience of Strength seems at odds with her huge personality.

But when you really think about it… I feel like Nadja uses that brashness of hers to cover up some very real trauma. She discusses the horrible things that have happened to her in frank, almost detached terms sometimes, but every so often you get this moment of like — just softness and vulnerability to her and you realize how this woman really survived for all the centuries she has.

Because that’s the thing about Strength. Yeah, people might associate it with a woman calming a lion, but the fact of the matter is that the woman has grappled with a lion and lived. More than any of the other vampires, Nadja has withstood countless tortures and indignities with her head held high.

One thing that I really loved about s4 of WWDITS was the parallels being laid out between her and Guillermo. I think she’s starting to see parts of herself in him, in his struggle to be seen and respected, in his stubborn fortitude in the face of pain, in the quiet, frantic love he has for his family.

Nadja has always had a soft spot for the downtrodden, whether that’s Guillermo or Jenna, and I think that’s because she knows how that feels. To be on the outside. To be helplessly casting around for something safe and secure and loved that’s yours. 

The thing about being a vampire is, well, they can’t see themselves in a mirror — but they can see the people around them reflected in the glass.

That’s something we see with vampires a lot in this show (projecting their concerns onto others because it’s too difficult for them to engage in true self-reflection) but I think it’s most common with Nadja, really.

And it’s during those moments of projection that I think we learn a lot about her. We learn how, despite her fierce, forceful persona, she still has a lot of that scared, lonely, unsure little girl to her. She still misses her family, torn to bits in front of her. She still misses the island she grew up on, changed as it now is. She still knows what it’s like to be systemically discriminated against for who she is and where she came from.

Nadja gets this look on her face sometimes, soft and unsure and a little bit lost, and it’s then that I see Strength most clearly in her. Because Strength is a card of fortitude, the ability to withstand any struggle with stubborn will and clarity of vision, and boy can Nadja withstand.

Nadja is a woman who grew up with nothing and still managed to lose everything. She’s a woman who’s had to rebuild her own life again and again and again, and she never stops doing it. She has the wit and mangy doggedness of a prey animal that has lived to old age, and she has the coping skills to match.

I think that’s why, out of all the vampires, she is the most willing to show her claws. She’s honed them through years of clawing her way out of pits, y’know? She knows what happens if you let a single person see your underbelly, and that’s why she’s so very cautious about who she lets behind her defenses.

The best defense is a good offense, and that’s what I see when I look at Nadja. A woman who doesn’t necessarily enjoy hurting others — but she knows it’s the best way to avoid being hurt herself. It’s the best way to dispel any misconceptions about her weakness. She’s tired of being prey, y’know? She’s ready to be the predator.

But she’s not cruel, exactly, despite being a real hard-ass. Nadja has these moments of true compassion, and while she often tries to hide that behind scowls and bluster, there’s a kindness to her that she doesn’t often admit to. The compassion that Strength calls for is in here, too.

Like… yeah, she could have killed Guillermo’s entire family. But she didn’t. She didn’t do it specifically because she didn’t want to hurt him. She went along with Guillermo’s stupid play-acting just like she went along with Nandor’s overtures to the werewolf pack, and it's because both of them made a desperate appeal to her with their eyes that she could not ignore.

As much as she says otherwise, Nadja has proven again and again that she's willing to do things she doesn’t want to do because she wants to spare the feelings of her own pack, this family that she’s created for herself after the loss of her own biological one.

There’s Laszlo, of course, and he’s the only person that she’s willing to show her soft side to without reservation. But even with the others, she consistently shows that she’s more bark than bite (even if she is quite willing to rip a heart out if necessary) and she embodies the strength, compassion, and fortitude that this card calls for.

I think that episode where the Nadja doll ran away shows this most clearly; she puts on this front of being a terrifying boss bitch because she knows that’s the only way she’ll be listened to. She’ll use her “special voice” because she’s been walked on her entire life and she knows that being loud is the only way people will take her seriously. But all that is a facade that she uses to protect the soft parts of herself that have been repeatedly wounded.

I decided to put Nadja and Laszlo next to each other in this deck partially out of sentiment, I’ll admit, but also because I thought it would be a great way to compare and contrast the way the two of them face the world. Both of them have been hurt, deeply, and both of them only show their true selves to each other. Both have facades, don’t they? Nadja’s yelling and Laszlo’s disinterest. It’s not the sum of either of them, and both of them have wells of strength inside them that have gotten them this far.

(I’m… not entirely sure how Nandor made it, being honest with you. Maybe he’s just very, very good at choosing people to help him not die.)

Laszlo has a sort of inventive, flexible cunning that gets him out of his messes. He is an inveterate slitherer-outer and he can adapt himself to his misadventures with a sort of quicksilver wit that is both hilarious and kind of impressive. Nadja, on the other hand, simply has the deep-seated knowledge that everything that life has thrown at her hasn’t killed her yet — and she’s not about to let it happen now.

Laszlo may be great at working in the real world and grabbing victory from the jaws of defeat, but Nadja just hurls herself at problems knowing that — yeah, she’ll probably get bit a few times. But she can take it. She’ll burn that bridge when she gets to it, y’know?

So when I look at Nadja, I do see a sort of quiet strength layered beneath all that bluster. It’s not the yelling or the demanding or the heart-ripping. It’s the way she has risen staggering from the ashes more times than I can count. It’s the way she won’t let any setback get her down. It’s the way she’s constantly trying to find a way to twist misfortune to her favor.

It’s the way that she sometimes looks at a creature that’s small and soft and suffering and she sees herself — and instead of putting it out of its misery, she decides to help it.

That’s Nadja, isn’t it? Like the woman on the card, she’ll never shy away from fighting lions. But she only wants to subdue them. When it’s a person who’s weaker than her, she typically holds back on the killing blow. Even when she does kill someone (I’m looking at you, Mr. Master’s Degree) it’s only as a message — she kills one person so she doesn’t have to kill a whole room.

As odd as it is to say it… Guillermo is the character that will tear through an entire room and leave no one left alive. Guillermo is the one who can kill his own kind without feeling any guilt that he can’t stamp out.

Nadja, for all her posturing, is the kind to see a creature when it’s down and show mercy. And every time she does, it’s like she’s showing her younger, weaker self mercy as well.

And that’s why Nadja is Strength.

And Guillermo is Judgement.

Anyway, on to the imagery.

As I’ve mentioned a few times so far, the main imagery for Strength is a woman with her hands on a lion’s jaws, subduing it. This is not a violent card, though, but a compassionate one. She is subduing the lion, but is not trying to hurt it. She traditionally wears white to symbolize purity, and an infinity symbol is above her head to symbolize spiritual power.

Now… let’s get one thing straight. Nadja’s a lot of things, but “pure” is not a word I’d use — and that’s exactly how she likes it. So no white for her. Probably just her typical black, perhaps with streaks of blood. Her strength manifests in many ways.

For the creature itself, I really went back and forth on this one. Leave it a lion? Perhaps switch it out for a hellhound or werewolf? I even considered a wraith, though I’d prefer not to deny the humanity of a unionized worker. lmao

I suppose in the end a lion is still just fine. We all know that Nadja would fight a lion to get what she wants. Or maybe some as-yet unidentified fantasy beast. Maybe a creature will present itself in s5 that lends itself well to this card.

No matter what beast ends up on the card, I want Nadja wresting its jaws open and — yes, I think the little Nadja doll perched on its back like a tiny rider. Any flowers that she wears are starting to fall to the ground during the confrontation, but like her, while damaged they are still whole.

Feet flat on the ground and probably bitching, she still doesn’t want to hurt the creature — and the little doll that represents her inner thoughts is petting its mane.

wwdits tarot masterpost

[fieldofgreengrass]

O M G okay in the way that lulu idolizes nunki and sees him as an angel from actual heaven LOWKEYYY like the knight she used to dream about coming to save and protect her and guide her etc etc i think she would come to love kissu as not only a friend but as a protector seeing as she cannot fight for SHIT which resolves in her being a passive fighter utilizing traps and such. i think kissu being an in your face active predator when it comes to fighting and terrorizing would make her feel simultaneously safe and fearful bc she would feel like she never had to be scared of getting hurt with someone like him around while also getting huge stomach aches and bouts of stress and anxiety from the inherit wrongness of it all. MUCH TO PONDERRRRR sorry for word vom EEEEK

ohh my god LUXX ;; 🖤 PLEASE never apologize for telling me your thoughts, you don't understand how excited i got receiving this and knowing yu enjoy them so much + talking with me about them uaa i love you and i love your writing and this is making me batshit insane.. ohh WOW it's just so sweet! and beautiful! and so immensely twisted! because kissu doesn't abide by his own morals, just his ideology that nothing stays, so it's natural to hurt, get hurt, and lose everything. and then you wake up another day and move on. he knows the pain he causes and he enjoys it, when asked why he does it its just "because i'm with my friend," or "because i was tasked to do it, and i want to do a good job. i don't want to disappoint someone waiting for me." he finds the fact that people are so caught up on it amusing. he thinks about them, you live in a plentiful world, you have chances at life you don't deserve, you have a natural system that rewards you with blessings, why do you complain? why can't you accept it? he looks at peoples' grieved houses and bleeding pets and says, why can't you rebuild it? why can't you just have a good time rebuilding it, too? he knows exactly why they're upset, but he mocks them regardless. because her way of living prevents her from getting hurt. she's neck deep in it. and she views everything as a wonderment with so much happiness to glean. her priorities of connection, affection, friendship are so much higher than things like life and trauma and guilt. if you hold close to your heart that doctrine that everything changes, and that everything can change in a moment, maybe you're living on a constant line but it's comfortable.

if anyone close to her asks her why she's so awful in her methods.. she smiles at them and says "because they can do the same to me. i'm not stopping them, see? they're stopped by their own teeth." and once, she promises that if someone retaliates or gets revenge later, she won't fight back at all. she'll let nature take its course. she starts walking out in the open where anyone can kill her with a projectile. when too much time passes, she tries to make it happen by finding a previous target and dropping her chisels in earnest. only nothing happens, because they're stricken with fear, and for just one moment their fear was wrong and unfounded. how would they know that? to them, kissu is simply humiliating them and exercising power in a sick way. and she is.

so.. she really cares for lulu, and she really doesnt view anything luxx does as immoral. shes willing to protect her, make things easier for her, and show them both a good time. i think she'd be pleased lulu would trust her in that way.. shes not so ignorant to believe luxx isnt afraid, its only natural, but something deep within her wishes for her to let go of fear, too.. i think paralleling luxx's idolatry of nunki to how she views kissu is soo amazing, and it speaks to how theyre so different but so influential on her psyche... it must hurt so much but bring a sense of security all the same. aaaaaaahh

[moe-broey]

Oh, hey. I might have been the one with the Grandpa Askr tags that I deleted because I wanted to rephrase things and then didn't. Oops. Anyway, the thing with him is that (iirc) Gustav mentions encountering Hel as a Wild Youth and his dad taking the bullet for him instead. (Which is why he knows he can take the curse for Alfonse.) This is causes him to change from reckless and more Alfonse-like (as Henriette mentions, I think) to his current disposition. I don't think there's anything more specific about Grandpa, but I do kinda wonder if he's not the one Gustav got the...stern (abusive-y) behavior from. Gustav kept berating Alfonse for not being detached and rational "enough" with Gustav being the implied model for such qualities. (Because neglecting your heir, the Mcf*ckin' Crown Prince of your Kingdom to the point he doesn't know more than basic statecraft--in theory!-- over a bit of teenaged self-establishment is a detached and rational decision. ...Don't get me started.) So, it could be another parallel with Harsh Father/Headstrong Son, or Gramps was fine and Gustav's trauma started making his relationship decisions. ...Now I kinda wonder how often Hel ends up murdering Askran royals. Like, is this a regular thing?? Geez.

OH NO WAY!!! They were such good tags I thought about screenshotting and adding/and or making a new post about it, but. I. Seemed to have forgotten too LMFAO (maybe for the best if you weren't happy with the wording though HAHA 🫡)

MAN. I. Can't believe I literally just. Forgot All Of This (then again it has been a few years). I did remember the bit of lore about Gustav being more reckless in his youth, and then doing a 180. I think, because I forgot important details, I assumed it was another cycle -- especially because, Alfonse himself can be reckless.

So in my mind it looked like: Gustav has previous experience being reckless in his youth -> He sees this quality in Alfonse, and to "spare" or "protect" him, he tries to snuff that quality out. Terrified of history repeating itself, but lacking the self-awareness that he, himself (Gustav), is both a product of a cycle AND perpetuating it. (Also a side note: Gustav trying to "protect" Alfonse by ensuring that he doesn't make the same mistakes, without realizing that course of action would only stifle and shelter Alfonse. Some things are only learned through first-hand experience -- no amount of warning or shielding will ever have the same effect.)

So it seems in some areas I had the right idea, I was just. Missing EXTREMELY important details that re-contextualize the entire situation LMFAOO

So maybe it's more like: Gustav has previous experience being reckless in his youth, AND a personal encounter with Hel due to that recklessness -> His father, Grampa Askr, protected his son from Hel by taking the fall for him. Which probably led to a few things: Feeling responsible for his father's death, instilling a need to protect his loved ones (just, unfortunately, in a maladaptive way). Also, depending on the type of guy Grampa Askr was (if we're assuming he was Gustav's picture-perfect ideal of a father and king), a need to live up to him. -> After all this set up, he sees Alfonse taking after him in ways that scare him -- and so everything else follows as it does.

The missing context ALSO explains why Gustav was so quick to give up on Alfonse when he learned that he was struck with the curse. Dude is probably having flashbacks about it.

And I guess... that's the thing that gets me about Gustav, actually. I hate him, I think he sucks, whenever I see him It's On Sight LMFAOOO. But so clearly, I think he captures what it's like. When you can see, at one point, there was a person in there -- who was vulnerable, who got traumatized, and who ended up developing a way to cope with that trauma, but. Not in a great way. And you just Know, he's the type of guy who's far too stubborn and set in his ways to ever address what happened in like. A healthy way.

And none of this is to woobify him or moralize getting help. Really... the entire Askr family is like a case study. To me.

Which is why I would have LOVED more details on Grampa Askr actually LMFAOOO, LIKE. Is he part of the cycle, like I imagined? Did Gustav get it from him? Or did Gustav just. Do all that on his own. And made it everyone else's problem LMFAOOOO

ALSO AGSKHSJSHSJAJ.................. THAT BIT ABOUT HEL PERHAPS ROUTINELY MURDERING ASKRAN ROYALS............. honestly makes me think about that Paralogue where Alfonse is dropping fucked up folklore on Sharena HSKSHSKS AND LIKE. It's got me thinking, actually. In a world where gods are physically tangible and right in front of you, where fairies and changelings Do exist -- if people do still try to teach moral lessons/warnings of danger through folklore, fairytales, and allegories, would it be like? Difficult to parse out fact and fiction? Much to think about tbh... (esp w Alfonse's interest in such subjects!) (That said I do feel like we often see Alfonse approach things with an open mind on a case by case basis, but. It's still funny to think about!)

Btw!!! Thank you for sending this!!! I really appreciate being able to staple this to my blog now LMFAOO 👍🎉🎉🎉

[el-jarado]

The more I think about it, the more depressing but narratively fascinating I find Jod’s little dream bubble in Nona the Ninth. 

Like, Harrow and Jod have a number of parallels, but when Harrow has dream-bubbles, she’s making different little plays with them, something that distracts her from the trauma she’s trying to avoid. Jod’s dream is an obsessively preserved monument to the worst day of his life, something that lets him relive the trauma of waking up to a dead world where he’d failed utterly at everything he set out to do and could never put it right again. It seemed implied to me that this is not the first time Jod’s been here, telling this story to himself and Alecto while he looks over what he’s wrought; Harrow’s just along for the ride this time. It’s a kind of awe-inspiring level of emotional self-harm that fulfills its purpose beautifully; Jod talks to himself about things, tries to find some way to think about it that’s comforting, but ultimately it’s just an affirmation of the undying rage and self-loathing that turned John into Jod. Reliving that little sequence over and over so that the fury he feels towards the people who left never cools or fades and his certainty he could never be forgiven if people knew the truth never dims.

It’s fascinating to me that he tells Harrow about the good times amidst that pressure cooker of desperation and anger but he doesn’t relive them. He doesn’t want to see his friends getting married again, he doesn’t dwell in a bubble of the time A– and M– loved him without asterisks attached, he stands at the horrifying ending of John’s story and tells it to himself again so he won’t forget how hurt and angry he was when he became God, and how there can be no forgiveness for himself or his enemies. 

Something that really had me climbing the walls on a second readthrough of just his chapters is the good things he’s so far over the event horizon he can’t even see in his own memories, particularly there at the end when it all goes wrong. We talk a lot about “You are quite the most appallingly vindictive person I’ve ever met”, and Jod certainly seems to be focused on that, but I get extremely emo that it’s proceeded by “I was just your best man” “You still are!” Like, even as he’s freaking out in his narration of his final moments as John that he’d lost them, that his friends weren’t going to forgive him for taking things this far, there’s so many little touches that they still love him that Jod can’t see anymore. John became the most appallingly vindictive man C– had ever met, and he was still her best man because she still loved him. She wanted him to be better than this and knew he had it in him. 

Cristobel as a nun tells John as it’s all falling apart around them that it’s OK that he’s scared and not rising to the occasion like he needs to. Even now, when he’s fucked up so badly that everyone on Earth is caught up in his game of nuclear chicken with people who will happily run him over to get out while the getting’s good, she believes in him enough she sacrifices herself to try and show him how to master his powers and be the savior Earth wants him to be.

P–, who has more reason than anyone to lose faith in John and ditch him in his darkest hour after the shit he just pulled with G–, is still helping to hold back the ex-cultists, and one of the last things she says is calling out for John to run. She was angry at him, with good reason, but she wanted him to live even then. 

M– tries to reassure John even though they’re all on edge. She knows this isn’t what he wants, and she tries so hard to convince him it’s not too late to un-fuck the situation if they just work together like they always have. She an A– stay with John as long as they can, and M– dies trying to convince the cultists not to kill John. 

The putting together barricades even while they’re yelling at each other. Bantering about the next cult even though tempers are understandably pretty high-strung. John offering to go out to the ex-cultists and getting a stern don’t you dare from his friends. 

Alecto, feeling betrayed and hurt and hideous after her unwilling incarnation at John’s hands, telling him, in order, how could he do this?, she hates her new body, and she still loves him. 

Like–fuck. There is so much love that includes telling your dear friend when he’s going way overboard and needs to stop for his own sake and everyone else’s. Being mad at someone and calling them out because you care and you want them to be better because you know they can be better. 

And Jod can’t see that anymore, because he was afraid at the moment it all went to hell that they wouldn’t forgive him for bringing them there and certain when he awoke alone that nobody could forgive or love him unless he lied to them and controlled them. When you can’t forgive anyone, even yourself, it’s impossible to imagine anyone else can. And then it’s so, so easy to just keep doing unforgivable things because you’re already lost. Even if you weren’t.  

“I still love you.” 

“That’s a good one.” 

[spacedykez]

Helluuuu I wanted to answer your ask answer but the finale threw me off into a frenzy sooo YEAH - I still can't believe Martyn really won!! I'm so happy!!! AHHH THis ask will prob be super messy bc I still am processing ksksks

I haven't watched any Trafiic!Scott before now so I really REALLY want to know more (and ofc watch LOL) so it's very cool and convenient for me that you know him so well!! And yes the being lonely and scared of being left again - that also got me very into it NGL. (why is the projection so strong with him, hm? q.q /pos). But also as a Martyn viewer that was one part that drew me in for him which is that Ren just picked him up in 3rd life and damn if that isn't smth to project onto as well for me ksksks - but yeha enough stuff about me!

I find it super funny and amazing that you're super into 3L and DL and here I sit with still brainrot from LL B) I just love how different each series feels to everyone and we all have such valid favs/favours!!! but yeah I love how u can see those parallels and now even with the parallel in the battle royale between Martyn and Scott - I feel like scratching my eyes out the parallels are too strong and too good!

okay I def need to watch flower husbands (and maybe empires s1 too ig??) myself but tumblr osmosis told me a bit BUT AHH THE PROTECTION THINGY SCreAMING!!! in this season the "i love you" took me out in the best way q.q scott felt like he was ready to blow it all for jimmy something something

Also as a valid and verified Scott viewer: do you think he purposely tried to not win this season? i'm not sure about this but he was giving lives away so freely (esp in the end) and i feel like I've missed a reasoning there)

and ohHHH yes I'm so happy you watch so much scott that's so cool and all i'm super happy for u!!! wanna watch him more too now for suuuuuure - also I'm so excited for martyn's lore/q&a stream today I am vibrating and also it feels sooo so good when your fav won??? like??? i am unser how to behave now bc i didn't actually think it'd happen and now he's just in line with grian, scott and pearl and I'm just like "ahhh that's my shitty /pos blorbo i picked up bc he's just as rootless/homeless as me <3" (not actual homeless but more so the moving around a lot and not havung 1 dedicated home stated by themself) and so yeah I really think u got martyn down well and that makes me scream so much /pos

!!!! hihi im super happy the ending was like. pretty much could not have gone better ngl. i loved it. literally perfect tbh.

oh yay that is convenient!! yeah im more than willing 2 brainrot abt my blorbo. like i said i never really got into LL but i've watched 3L, DL, and now LiLife. also it's the sad dramatic theater gay vibes. my silly little blorbo <3 i don't know how many of scott's series you've watched but osmp scott is literally the guy ever for angst like. im not starting on o!scott because i WILL ramble for YEARS but he is so SAD and i love him 4 it. and esmp1!scott is on his elsa kinnie arc (INCLUDING the trauma <3)

THE PARALLELS W THEM... THEYRE SO STRONG. talking abt Scott there are SO many parallels between martyn & jimmy; the pufferfish, the blond hair, the protectiveness (just reversed), and more i'm sure i'm not mentioning.

from martyn's pov... i don't know. i feel like i have martyn wrong. sigh. he's just! as a first time viewer of martyn he seems to me very loyal but also haunted by the watchers/listeners/narrative- i don't KNOW most of martyn's lore !! and i was never EXTREMELY into treebark like i was w flower husbands. its just. im trying to figure him out but i still feel like i have him all wrong and the moment i think i've got him figured out someone tells me i'm wrong. trafficblr was all "omg martyn loyal hand killing scott like he killed ren" and im like YEAH YEAH!! and then he wins and its like "no youre fucking wrong he was never loyal ever" and im just like bro wtf. its just ive not WATCHED martyn a ton before LiLife (i watched a few of his 3L & DL videos but not all of them and not anything else outside that) and i'm still trying to get his characterization down and tumblr isn't helping because i was like yeah yeah okay loyal hand this lines up with what i've seen from him, this makes sense, i've got him. and then the finale happens and all of a sudden it's "no you FUCKING IDIOT he's NOT loyal FUCK you"

...sorry if you read that whole rant. anyways!

yes. from a meta perspective: yes. scott DOES NOT want to win again, especially not a third time in a row. yes, technically pearl won DL, but a lot of people do count it as a joint pearl-scott win, so if he won LiLife it would be a third scott win to them. to be honest, scott is just really good at the game and at surviving. he doesn't seek out conflict a lot, tends to stay in his own little area building and surviving, and because of that he usually doesn't engage in a ton of the fighting until later episodes. he's also in a LOT of series & events (cough mcc cough) and he's just good at Minecraft. traffic!scott as a character does not want to play the game, isn't trying to win, and he is kind. but also, yes, cc!scott does not want to win this game. he gets ENOUGH hate for winning mcc, and the amount of hate and negativity certain groups would give him for winning a third season in a row would be AWFUL. also i'm sure he (cc!) wants to give his friends a chance to win, because he's a nice person. but there is DEFINITELY that element of if he had won twitter would be FURIOUS.

YEAH!!! if you want to watch more scott i am here for infodumping hes one of my favorite youtubers genuinely and i love his videos and everything he does. also yeah i like seeing my guy win!! its fun when that happens. and i'm glad you think i've got martyn down because i am definitely not very confident in my characterization of him.

[asoulofatlantis]

Who the heck is he talking to?

Could someone please finally kill him?

Look! I get that he is traumatized and scared and all that, but this kid is annoying and stupid and the "I am so scared I want my mommy and I don't trust those monsters that protect us!" - phase should be over by now. Someone slap him hard and then throw him to the monsters, we are better off without him anyway.

I wonder what would have happened if I trusted her instead of Kaito. Would we have all died?

Far too many spiders in this game... I do wonder tho... how am I supposed to help them, now that they are stuck in this Cable-Car-Thingy?

Oh? I guess we are truly not at the Digiworld, huh? More like a parallel universe or something. And it seems sacrificing those children had a reason too. Uhu. Interesting.

He already had a champion-level evolution. Nice. And comes in really handy right now, as I am immensely understaffed.

I really don't like this Shinji guy, but he was right with one thing: It is one ordeal after another here XD

I knew that voice sounded familiar XD

Its been quite a while... but if I remember correctly... we did start out on a small island in Adventure too, didn't we?

He was already insane when we arrived here but I think now he completely lost it. This guy is a goner. There is no way in hell we can piece his sanity back together. He needs a psychic and some... strong drugs maybe.

Oh come on guys! I didn't want to save him! He is nuts! He will be a liability the freaking whole time! We are better off without him! Please, he is so annoying! (Gee, I have become quite the awful person, haven't I? I remember having a discussion with one of my friends, about Player In-game-morals once where she said that its natural to want to be nice, even in a game. But I kind of disagree. In real live, I respect even most insects and try not to accidentally step on them or something, but in games. I am pretty ruthless, to be honest ^^')

Ryo doesn't deserve saving, but we'll do it for you Kunemon, because you deserve that we help you and you've been helping us all the time too, despite your partner being an asshole to you. So... okay. We save Ryo for Kunemons sake!

We have quite a complicated mix of people in this team, huh? ^^'

OMG! Its so ugly ^^' Didn't we fight one of these back in the day? XD

SERIOUSLY? All that hard work for him falling down that damn bridge?

AH! Haru jumped after him! No! No, no, no! Not that poor boy! EDIT: He FELL too! But what does it matter! The boy tried to save Ryo and now this! He has been through too much for it to end like this!

I hope he at least hit his head hard enough to get some sense into it!

He just said he saved Ryo. But... what is with that attitude? Don't tell me my traitor-sensors have been misleading me yet again?

This is a kind of delusional that can hardly be explained just through trauma. This boy is just... I don't know, but certainly not normal. They tried to save and protect him so often now. It makes no sense whatsoever for him at this point to believe they wanted to kill him.

He is. Definitely and without no freaking doubt. He just revealed his mother is dead already, because she was sick. So he tried to fool himself that this is the afterlife so he can see his mommy again. Even the incident with the spider monster didn't get his head straight. He really is done fore.

[chiderilas]

I am fully aware that despite I can be quite calm and collected, there's always a storm brewing in my head. Which I realise, that most of the time, I put down those storms in writing in this platform. However, after being in a committed relationship for the past... 5 years now, and few years after accepting myself of being polyamorous, it has been such a turmoil, especially in my head. It's actually quite interesting how life is actually much better when you started to allow yourself to feel, listening to what your heart is telling you, and actually allowing those conversations to happen in your head while trying to release it in healthy way. Just because you have another feelings to another person, doesn't mean you have to sabotage your entire life for it. I am actually quite fortunate to have a partner that allows me to discuss this in a healthy way. This, combined to the practice that I've been doing in verbalising emotions. Including putting shapes and forms into the emotions that I feel. I mean the whole thing about eliminating jealousy, learning about compersion, and understanding that love is just an umbrella terms are wild. It's like a forbidden knowledge that humanity doesn't talk about enough but could be very beneficial to the whole species that disagree with patriarchal society.

Well anyway, the point of this post is more on the appreciation side. I realise that I've been dumping my storms here, but never really about the centre of my storms. The pillar in the centre of it all where it held everything together. It is the reason why the storms can grow so big, yet, never been so destructive as it held it all in place. Yes, this post is specifically to talk about Alex.

I think the trigger for this can be separated into 2 events: first is when we were asked "how would you rate your relationship" and the second is when I was asked "what you gonna do if you only have 1 year left to live". Those questions really made me think. One, is that I am very grateful for having Alex in my life. How there's no such thing as off-limit conversations. At the same time, we don't want to be each others' reason to limit each others' world. We want to be able to become the foundation of each other and help each other grow. I think that works really well with me, considering that one of my early age trauma is not having freedom with limited options. Now that I am exploring the concept of freedom, and actually allowing myself to this with someone having my back is literally one of the best thing I can have in my life. At the same time, when the second question was asked, it made me think. When conversation about death came up to me,I had few faces coming up to my mind. How I don't want to see them sad because of me, and not being scared of my own demise. At the same time with parallel thought in my head, I know that's a very sad thing, because it kinda hinted that I don't look into myself. But that question earlier today, it made me realise that Alex would cry for me in my place. It made me realise that my pain is not only mine anymore. Something that I always yearn for in my life. I know I'm in a good hand when I'm in a relationship with someone like this. Not gonna lie, it took trips around the valley and back to get here, but I am confident to say, I will fix it if anything ever got broken in this relationship and not just discarding it away.