#i want to be ok like before they pulled me into a codependent relationship

[mrsnancywheeler]

the lakes (8) // finnick odair x f. reader

summary: it's supposed to be over, you and Finnick are supposed to spend the rest of your lives helping each other heal. living as peacefully as possible, but the the third quarter quell throws a wrench in your domestic bliss.

previous part / next part

prequel

4.6k words

warnings: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, manipulation of someone's feelings, drinking away problems, mental illness, mentions of suicidal ideations, savior complex Finnick and reader, codependent relationship, allusions to trafficking and forced sexualization of body, mentions of death/violence happening to children, unedited, no use of y/n, arguments, self-hate, self-doubt, a love triangle that really isn't a love triangle

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

“Oh, you look so beautiful." Cambrie was crying, actually crying. Standing behind you in the mirror, staring the the gorgeous dress she'd designed. You wanted to cry too because even if she'd always treated you more like a doll than a living, breathing person it did hurt to know you'd never see her familiar presence again. 

“You did an amazing job, Cambrie, it reminds me of home." Truthfully the dresses shimmery deep blue did make you think of the waters of home and the seaweed and pearl based jewelry was a nice touch. Of course it was a too low cut for your liking and regardless of the colors would be completely translucent if the light hit it right, it was stunning.

“You really think so?" Her eyes were full of tears and you nodded your head turning to hug her.

“Yes, thank you." It pained you too think about how even if she never treated you fully human she would still be deeply hurt by your death. Her favorite muse.

“I don't know who I'm going to model my designs off of anymore, unless you come back or course, but you make it so easy." Of course she had ulterior motives, but it was somewhat amusing to hear her problems when yours were so much more lethal. She pulled away from you, “I wanted to go more bridal, but President Snow wanted Katniss wearing her wedding dress, so we're going to go for the more subtle route.”

It wasn't subtle in the slightest, a similarly shimmering, translucent veil was in your hair although not covering your face and adorned with sea thrift. Your arms had bouquet-like bracelets of yarrow, lavender, and sea oats from your shoulders down to your wrists. Then there were the sandals covered in pearls and seashells, if it hadn't been purposefully forced to be more sensual you would have genuinely loved it. More of a “natural" makeup look had been preferred to create the essence of more of a sweet mermaid than a sultry, seductive siren.

Suddenly you could feel the tears threatening to pour over, “I wish you would have been able to just design my wedding dress with normal circumstances. Thank you for this.” 

"Oh you're such a sweetheart, I can't fathom how they could do this again to such a sweet girl. Everyone loves you, there's so much outrage. You'll certainly have lots of sponsors.” She cupped your face, shaking her head sadly. "We'd best be on our way.” She sighed, leading you out of the room for the last time.

There all the tributes stood waiting in their line, Katniss was already waiting in her wedding gown. She caught you staring at the dress, "Snow made me wear it.” 

"Make him pay for it.” Johanna remarked ok the side, in another one of the tree related get ups her designer has such an attachment too. She looked you up and down,"Even in death they just can't leave you alone?” It was true, you were basically naked if people were staring at the way the colors caught the light.

“Just making sure to squeeze out every last drop before I go." One last glance at the body they'd controlled before you took it back forever. Johanna scoffed.

“Make him pay for that too." You took your place in the line next to Finnick, whose shirt was heavily unbuttoned.

“Is this our own wedding get-up?" He asked, arm sliding around your waist. You hummed a yes as you pecked at his lips.

“Do you like it?" You asked, hand playing with his sleeve.

“You look stunning. Do you like it, would it be your top contender when I finally get you that real dress?" He asked, a loving grin adorning his face. 

“Maybe, if it wasn't so see-through. Reminds me of home though.” Finnick nodded in agreement.

“Look like you came straight from the moonlit waters, angel." You rested into his warm arms which were a godsend when the fabric did even less to protect you from the chill in the air. Cashmere and Gloss both proclaimed how difficult it would be to let go of their friends from the Capitol. How they were all like brothers and sisters to them, trying to further manipulate the audience's feelings into somehow getting them to prevent the games. Snow would never let that happen, but taking a shot at it couldn't hurt. Enobaria and Brutus both acted like it was a normal game, with just as much intensity as they had the first round. Wiress was rambling on and on, sometimes coherently, but the audience simply laughed like it were some huge joke about how unstable she was. Beetee’s rationalization took hold, talking about all he had done, all he'd offered to the Capitol, and questioned how legal this type of Quarter Quell was, couldn't it just be unwritten since it would have such a negative effect? Finnick rubbed circles on your arm as you nervously tapped your foot. “You've got this, my love." He reassured you as you were lead to wait off stage.

“Our very own Capitol Princess!” Caesar Flickerman’s voice blared and you put on your most charming smile to enter as he said your name. Waving at the audience, blowing kisses. The cheering soon calmed down and he turned to look at you, “Now, I think we're all a little bit upset with you and your husband. Aren't we?" The audience gave out enthusiastics agreements. 

“I'm sorry!" You giggled, breathily. “We didn't want to take away attention from the star-crossed lovers."

“Oh we have enough love for the both of you!" The audience cheered in agreement.

You looked out at the crowd, “And we love you! It breaks my heart to know we won't get to share our journey with you." The tears that wanted to spill about other things you willed to appear now.

“So a secret marriage? How did that come about?" Caesar asked after the ooh’s and aww’s had quieted.

“We just knew that if we were going to die in the arena, we needed to be one with each other, and the waters." The first tears began to roll, “Now that we know we can't ever again have those moments. Especially to share them all with you." You could vaguely see tears on obscured faces and you knew it was working. "We'd been quietly planning how we'd get engaged in front of all of you, but when the Quarter Quell announcement came it just couldn't wait. So now we can't do the dress, and the wedding, and the house decorating, and the kids with all of you.” Wiping away the tears falling down.

"We'll certainly mourn that just as much, won't we?” The crowd boomed with agreement and cries. "One more thing, last time you were here you were also going into the arena with a romance, now it's happening all over again, does that add to the emotions we’re feeling tonight? The idea that if you win you'll have lost another love?”

Your tears glistened under the lights as you nodded, "All I have to say about that Caesar is that I have no intentions of leaving that arena if I can't be with him. We are one and I couldn't bear to live my life without knowing I'd see him everyday. This hurts so bad because I know it'll be my last time seeing all of your kind faces.” By now the audience was sobbing and suddenly the tears began feeling real, creeping up on you.

Caesar nodded solemnly, “And we'll be sorry to see you go. Ever romantic, our Capitol Princess!" Tears were blinding you and it was difficult to find your way to the pedestals where the other tributes were standing. Suddenly your face was being held and honey tasting lips were on yours, Finnick. You could hear the audience cooing and crying, he wiped the tears once he pulled away and led you to where you needed to stand.

"Sorry, Ceaser I couldn't help myself." His warm voice filled the room, his gorgeous smile being zoomed in on by the cameras.

“Oh no worries! Making ever the entrance, Capitol darling Finnick Odair!" The audience let out a resounding cheer for him. “Finnick, can I be honest?"

“Of course, Caesar." That gorgeous, sunshine smile rested on his face and it was no wonder it left the Capitol citizens swooning for more.

“I don't know what we're going to do if you don't come back. Right?” The audience loudly agreed and Finnick chuckled. "I mean you've been such a favorite, both of you have, and the world will not be the same without it.” How ironic, if it would be so painful then they really should make more of an effort to put a stop to it, but they wouldn't.

"I'm very sorry about that Ceaser, but my hands are tied. If we could, we would spend every moment with all of you, we're so grateful for your love.” A bold-faced lie, every party to keep up appearances, each call from the Capitol was far more draining then just spending a peaceful day together which could be endless.

“We wish you could too. Being married in the arena, how's that going to work? I mean we've heard from her that there's no grand plan for her to come back, but I assume as the husband you might have something to say about that?" This elicited a laugh from the audience and Finnick nodded.

“Well certainly, Caesar, what kind of husband would I be if I let her have her way in that? I will say, my love, you have my heart for all eternity, and if I die in that arena, my last thought will be of your lips.” You were sick, honestly nauseated with grief. This was so unfair, you'd tried not to think about it, but in just over 12 hours you'd be forced back into the arena and risk losing each other.

"We wish you the best luck with that." People were weeping in the audience and Finnick's face had become so sober that it was jarring how naturally it fell back into an easy smile. “That's Finnick Odair, Capitol darling." Soon he was right beside you on the podium, kissing you again for the audience to be giddy with joy, but also hearts ruptured for the lovers torn apart for only the first time of the night. You could taste your salty tears mixing with the honeycomb of his lips before he pulled away, giving another grin to the audience.

His hand stayed intertwined with yours, but something wasn't quite right about his demeanor. Even if physically he kept up the same presence as always you could feel the shift in his aura, in his touch. He was upset, but not in the way you were. You couldn't stop yourself from continually glancing over at him, silently trying to get his attention so you could see what was wrong. Squeezing his hand with yours to try and get a response when he finally did meet your eyes it hit you that the look was disappointment, dread and when you shot a quizzical look back he looked like he was going to cry as he put his focus back on the stage.

You were stuck in your own head no, had it been something you said? Did? It was all for the performance which he had to know. Your foot was tapping and you were zoning out of the interviews until all the sudden the audience was shrieking. Katniss’ wedding dress disappeared in clouds of black smoke and when they disappeared the dress had transformed. Upon lifting her arms you could see what it was, a mockingjay. A public symbol of the rebellion, Caesar was trying to cover, but the cameras already would have caught it.

One more interview before the night would be over and you'd wait to be shipped back off to the arena where certain death awaited you. Charming Peeta insisted that he and Katniss too had a secret wedding to have the traditions of District 12. The audience ate each crumb he gave right out of his hands when suddenly he made the world stop, “If it weren't for the baby." Shock, outrage filled the room. All of these people who'd been fine watching children fight to the death and suffer after they won for personal entertainment couldn't stand the fact that Katniss could be pregnant. The irony of it all, how smart Peeta had been on his feet made it hard for you to suppress the smile. As Caesar desperately tried to do damage control once again you noticed how everyone of the tribute's hands began linking, placing your free hand in Beetee’s who bobbed his head before holding Wiress’. Hands joined, you lifted them above your head increasing the audience's screams and Caesar was yelling for lights to be turned off, all this did was illuminate your figures in the low lights. 

Then you were being filed off of the pedestals and to the hallway. You instantly met eyes with Haymitch, holding some glass filled with some type of drink. You didn't say a word to him before taking it from his hand to take a drink. 

“Dealing with pre-game jitters with alcohol really seems like a great idea." He said sardonically, scoffing. He didn't try and grab the drink back though even when you scowled at him. Right when you'd taken another drink of the bubbly liquid it was Finnick who took the drink from your hand, handing it back to Haymitch. "What? Trouble in paradise?” He took a drink too.

“Just need you to be rational instead of hungover in the morning.” Finnick muttered, he was angry at something, that much was obvious. 

Haymitch took something off of his wrist and handed it to Finnick, “Show her this and she'll realize I gave it to you, since she won't ally with you of her own accord." It was a gold bangle and Finnick nodded as he slid it on his wrist. They were whispering something to each other and you pulled away to an Avox holding a tray of more bubbly drinks nearby. Grabbing one you nodded a thank you, swallowing it down as fast as you could before Finnick had grabbed it again, looking at you sternly.

“I'm not going to be hungover.” You rolled your eyes and he handed the second, nearly empty glass to Haymitch as well.

"Well you don't exactly make great decisions for yourself.” You rolled your eyes at him as he ran his fingers through his curls.

"What's your problem? I made them sympathetic, I did what I was supposed to!” You couldn't fathom why that would upset him, it was a performance and he did the same thing.

"You have a death wish, that's the problem, I'm not letting you die for me!” You stared into his gorgeous sea-green eyes and scoffed before turning around to walk straight back to your floor.

"Thank you, Haymitch.” You heard Finnick say before he was following you to the elevator.

"You're really gonna argue with me about what I said in the interview right before we head back into the arena?" You pressed the cold buttons before crossing your arms, refusing to look at him.

“When this started I begged you to talk to me, to stop punishing yourself for whatever you did six years ago to survive, but you still are. You didn't say anything until right before we headed back into the arena, informing the world all about how you plan to die in there.” The elevator opened and he stepped in as you followed.

“I don't plan too, I just expect it. I'm not going to keep going if you die."

“Yes, you are, Annie needs you, Mags needs you." He pointed to the bangle quickly to put off anyone who could be listening in, “Needs you. This insistence that you're going to die is ridiculous, angel, I'm not going to let you.”

             𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

You stood backstage with Conway, having to consciously force your leg to stay still, to not keep tapping as you waited to do on stage. The air was chilly which wasn't helped by the thin material of your dress, it's low-cut, or the huge slit in it's side at least Conway got to be in a suit. Your eyes were glued to the screen where the male tribute from District 3 had just begun his interview.

“Now, how old are you?" Caesar asked, the boy was small, he couldn't be that old, it looked like the seat was going to swallow him whole.

“Thirteen." His voice was shaky and your ears started ringing. How were you supposed to do this, that was a child, a tiny kid whose family was sitting back home watching their baby boy be shipped off to certain death. You could feel the tears approaching and your breathing getting more shallow. Cold hands were suddenly on yours.

“Are you okay?" Conway asked, as you began to hyperventilate.

“I can't do this." You whispered out as the first tears began falling, “That's a little boy, I can't-"

“I get it." Conway reassured, his big, brown eyes trying to comfort you. “You've got this though, you can't do anything about him being here, but you can make a good impression with the audience. We have to focus on that no matter how screwed up you feel like it is. Go up there and do what you have to do.” What you have to do, charm them, be sweet, and pretty, but a little mysterious. Finnick had all types of angles for you. You gave a final look back at Conway who tried to give a reassuring smile, but you could tell he was bothered too. Caesar's booming voice called your name and you stepped out into the bright lights of the stage. Beaming for the audience, waving, giggling at their cheers.

“I have to say, everyone was blown away with how charming you seemed at the tribute parade, but then that training score came out. How did you do that?" Caesar asked as the two of you sat down, the audience murmuring in agreement. 

“Well, Caesar, a lady has to have some secrets for herself." You made your laugh airy and winked at the laughing audience. “I have to save some things for the show, don't I?"

Caesar nodded, laughing along. "Of course! You know when I saw your face at the reaping I couldn't help but feel like I recognized you from somewhere, did anyone else feel that way?” The audience cheered out agreements and your stomach knotted. What was he talking about? You certainly didn't know how they knew you. "I mean this was literally keeping me up at night.”

You leaned forward, the dress putting a little too much on display, but you persisted. "Well do tell.”

"Months ago we were doing a catch up piece of Finnick Odair and you were in some of it, very briefly, but you were.” The audience was wild, they adored Finnick and loved any type of connection. Your stomach clenched, how were you supposed to seem in love with Conway when this was being chosen for you.

You blushed, “Oh yes, Caesar! I didn't imagine anyone would remember that!" 

"Well we did and we love it!” He proclaimed and the audience agreed. "So tell me, just between us-” The audience laughed and you did too. "Are you and a certain victor pining for your return to tell us all some very exciting news?” You shook your head slowly, trying not to look as embarrassed as you felt. “No? I don't believe that, look at you, charming and obviously extremely talented. There was definitely something going on when that program came out, not anymore?" Time was running out and this was not going the way you planned.

So new plan, “No, Ceasar.” Your voice was light and sounded shaky on purpose. You shook your head.

"Oh, so this is a tale of heartbreak?” He asked and the audience cooed. "Well if you win, he'll have to take you back won't he? I'm sure we won't let up until he does!” He laughed and the crowd seemed to agree with him. 

“I'm afraid it's much more complicated than that." You smoothed out your dress even if it needed no smoothing.

"Oh! Is there another man as well, we live for the drama!” You nodded slowly.

"Yes and I'm afraid winning won't help me in either case.” You were alluding and there was only a few seconds left. Caesar stood up.

"Well now you have to win this thing, so we can all know about this tale of romance. It's going to be keeping me on the edge of my seat!" 

“And I'd love to share it with all of you." You let a few tears fall as you blew a kiss out to the audience who adored it. The two of you bowed as you walked off the stage. Heart pounding rapidly as you were escorted out to the hall where Finnick, Ondine, and your designer Cambrie stood.

“Oh you looked divine!" Cambrie announced, hands on your shoulders. “All of my friends are going to want to sponsor you, I'm certain you'll be the talk of Panem, leaving us on a cliffhanger like that!" She was basically shrieking in joy when she got distracted by some hors d'oeuvres an Avox was holding.

You buried your head in your hands as Finnick approached, “I didn't know they were going to side swipe you like that. It could be good for your image though." You were now hyper aware of the eyes on the both of you even if technically he was your mentor just giving you advice.

“Could be bad for that, unless he picked up what I was putting down." You pointed at the screen where Conway sat with Caesar.

“So Conway, I'm sure all of us were very impressed by your training score, a big, strong man like you, what's your strategy?" Caesar asked and the audience made comments under their breath, acting as if they were also part of the conversation. 

“Let's just say I know what I'm up against and am confident in the people I've decided to trust." Looking at him made you see flashes of your childhood, of him crabbing with your family as kids, hair billowing in the wind as he made sure you didn't slip on the water covering the boat’s deck.

Caesar nodded, “Well alright, making us wait for tomorrow as well?"

Conway smiled that kind, loving smile he gave everyone, “I guess you could say that.”

"Now everyone is dying to know if you have a special girl back home, I mean you’re a good looking guy and even girls in the Capitol are swooning.”

"Well, it's a lot more complicated than that, Caesar.” Conway and his boyish charm was sure to bring in more sponsors as well. Caesar took a second, looking at Conway and the audience with as much drama as he could, like he was slowly connecting the dots.

“You're not saying what I think you're saying are you?" He asked and the crowd screamed in agreement, eating it up.

Conway adjusted his shirt collar, “Regretfully, I might be."

“Well isn't this straight out of a fairytale." A dark, corrupted one if that. “That sure complicates things doesn't it?"

Conway nodded, “Yes."

“You're certainly going to be keeping all of us on our toes, a love triangle. Well I certainly wish you the best of luck in your endeavors." Caesar laughed. What luck? Only one ‘choice’ would be alive if you won.

“Thank you, Caesar. All I can say is even if it's doomed, hopefully she doesn't pick the one who already broke her heart.” Even if it wasn't meant that way to you it felt threatening, hopefully you didn't or he'd be forced to kill you? You honestly had no idea what the best outcome was, maybe him asking you to take care of his family before sacrificing himself? But now you were overtly aware that you not only had him observing you, but all of Panem desperately wanting to know where you would land. 

            𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

You were laying on the bed, hands covering your face as Finnick went on and on about how self-destructive you were. Maybe he was right, but you didn't see why it mattered. It's not like you were going to do anything intentional, you'd just do what you could to get Katniss out of the arena alive and be with Finnick.

“How are we supposed to do this if you don't believe you can survive?” He was pacing the room,"The moment that gong rings you need to come find me, I need my eyes on you.”

"I will, Finnick! But you need to focus on other things too.” You defended, sighing.

"How am I supposed to do that when the person I love the most is a danger to herself?” He stopped moving for a moment to stare at you, even with your face hidden in your hands you could feel his eyes burning into you.

You finally moved your hands,"I'm not! I just want to go to sleep, Finnick, can't we just rest?"

“We can sleep when I can rest well knowing you're not going to make impulsive decisions or give up if I get hurt. Don't be dependent on my life, angel, you deserve to live." You stood up only to walk to the open bathroom door and begin removing your makeup. 

“I don't know what you want me to say, Finnick." He followed you and stood behind you watching you in the mirror. You were passive to his pleas, you couldn't understand why it mattered so much to him. If he died it's not like he would know if you did too and if he lived there were plenty of other women who would be glad to comfort him, plus the revolution would keep him distracted.

There was a pause as you continued with your routine before he removed the bottle from your hands and turned you to face him, he'd always been much stronger than you and there was no use trying to release yourself. 

“That your life matters to you just as much as it does to me and I want you to believe it when you say it."

You sighed, “Finnick I will do whatever you tell me to do, I'll stay right by your side if you want me too. All I want is to be with you, that's all that matters to me."

He closed his eyes, exhaling shakily, “I can't believe I let us get so codependent." You watched a tear make its way down his cheek and felt you swarmed with guilt. “I can't make this better overnight no matter how badly I want to, but I do want you by me every second in that arena. Don't you dare go sacrificing yourself for someone, anyone. Angel, I can't live without you either.” His warm arms brought you to him, caught in his embrace as the guilt overwhelmed the numbness. "We're both getting out of there alive, no matter what it takes.” He whispered and although your brain told you not to believe him, to accept your fate you would trust him to the grave so you nodded your head into his shoulder. 

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

thank you so much for reading and all the support I've been receiving, I love you all so much and am glad you're enjoying my little thoughts. next chapter we can finally get into the games of it all, not gonna like this chapter was a lot of fun to write but took forever because I was having too many thoughts. if you enjoyed it feedback, likes, reblogs, and comments are all super appreciated. my inbox is always open! I love you all, thank you again! 💋

taglist: @imaegonstargaryenswife0 @avoxrising @artsyaquarium @jennaaaaaaaaaaaa @secretsicanthideanymore @darlingsoulbeautfulthoughts @thatonegayloser616 @kybermp3 @meri-soni-meri-tamanna @ravensinthedaylight @innercreationflower @uhnanix @aesthetic0cherryblossom @yourdailymemedelivery @ang3lflor @maxinehufflepuffprincess @prettybiching @miserablebl00d

[jade-len]

guys, guys.

be honest with me. would anybody be willing to read any SVSSS x reader stuff (or, just SVSSS with reader fanfics in general?) like please i'm being so deadass right now. i am very willing to write, it's just that i have no clue if anyone would want to read that???

i know that the people in this fandom don't necessarily have any x or & readers, but i'm sad and pathetic and have a weird emotional attachment to the characters. like hear me out guys.

i present to you all a few ideas i have:

1. reader transmigrates into SVSSS and decides, fuck it, let's become a counselor/therapist/emotional support service pal. half of the conflicts in the novel would've been prevented if therapy, communication, and simple observation existed! mu qingfan, give me a chance!! i promise this will lower the qi deviation rates by at least 50%.

liu qingge? alright, let's work on learning identifying your feelings better and not respond via violence to every situation. shen jiu? hey, hey, it's okay to be vulnerable! no- please don't go self projecting yourself onto an innocent 14 year old. luo binghe? *pulls out 5 different documents* heavens, where do we even start? like, gods forbid any of them have a proper support system, or at least be able to express their feelings and deal with them in a healthy manner!

2. liu qingge x reader where he gradually stops painfully pining and gets the love that he deserves. he gets his pretty face cupped gently and kisses all over it. that's it. that's the fic idea.

3. bingge, the original luo binghe, gets sent back in time.. all the way back to right when his mother died. he believes that he's been given a chance to re-enact his revenge, play it smart all the way from the start and have an upper hand now that he has to relive this! however, that quickly changes when this random fucking person (aka, reader) just wont stop bothering him?? what the hell do they want??? (for this one, i'm not sure if reader should be a transmigrator who believes they're in SVSSS instead of PIDW and is unaware of the whole bingge thing, or just some npc that proves him wrong about kindness).

4. SVSSS hater (or someone who just has a very complicated relationship with it!) reader transmigrates into it after tweeting "stupid author, stupid novels". they then proceed to accidentally collect two husbands they were so actively against before. ugh! now that i'm here, i guess i'll try to help out with their relationship and give my advice so that they won't have so much conflict, ones that were super frustrating to even hear about!! shen qingqiu, that dense ass guy and unhealthily codependent luo binghe! wait, what? what do you mean they both want me to be part of their marriage now??

sincerely, very much inspired by this tweet (reader most likely isn't going to be an anti, though);

low-key might combine the first and fourth fanfic idea? will make reader gender neutral (or even male!) though. but overall idk. idk if people will even wanna see that at all, man. ok please give thoughts. or not lol

(10-11-23 edit: i'm currently writing the bingge one rn!)

[an-exasperated-hades-kid]

Ranking pjo ships cause why not :

1.Percebeth: 9.5/10

They're so cute, and I loved watching their relationship develop through out the percy jackson series like they have the I don't like you to ig we're friends now to besties who have obvious crushes on each other to lovers like this is the only slow burn that didn't make me wanna pull out hair. I love that these two would do anything for each other and are mostly supportive of each other and the seaweed brain and wise girl nicknames that went from insults to terms of endearment and I also love that they're not afraid to call each other our on their bs like I've seen stuff where percy doesn't say shit to annabeth and like have we Been reading the same books cause in MoA and HoH percy stands up for what he believes and even before that he doesn't bend to annabeths will and wishes like in botl and literally all the time in tlt like bro stands up for himself and expresses his opinions and so does annabeth and I love that ?? It's a balanced relationship in which there are years of getting to know each other and then getting together like they are bffs before lovers

But it has some issues, tho like they're wayyyy too codependent on each other which isn't that healthy but this is my opinion and I could be wrong

2. Solangelo: 8.75/10

I love them ok they're so cute like they're all about balance , acceptance, and understanding which is something nico needs in his life he doesn't need someone who'll worship him or sugarcoat stuff for him he needs someone who will be real with him about stuff like will has always been real towards nico and he has always taken care of nico wether you like it or not. Nico has always had issues that people are creeped out by him and afraid of him and will is someone who has never been afraid of nico and has treated him normally like he jokes with him and isn't walking on eggshells around him and makes him realize that not everyone hates that he can find a home in chb and nico says this tsats and even before that you can tell how nico feels and is extremely supportive of him and reminds nico that he's safe and is extremely understanding of nico . In tsats, we see that they complete each, like nico is the warrior and will is the healer, and both roles are important like nico protects will from physical harm and will patches up nicos wounds and protects him from mental and emotional harm. It also shows that no one is perfect, like Will isn't always able to understand nico so he asks for advice and this shows that trying is the best you can do for someone you love , trying to understand them and support them . They also have alot of potential in general as we've only seen them in their honeymoon stage and their developing stage we haven't gotten the established stage and sure tsats isn't perfect in the adventurous sense but the point of this book was to show healing , moving on and making peace with stuff and it did that pretty well .

The only bad points about it is that one scene in boo which shows that will had good intentions but bad execution in expressing his pov and I want them to talk about it cause what he said wasn't nice and it was quite rude ik he didn't intend it but still it was not OK . Next, I want nico to set up boundaries for himself because Will isn't a mind reader and can not know what to not do unless he's told . I want rick to tell us more about Will as a person like we know more now, but still I want rick to flesh out as a character even further

3. Jasiper: 6.5/10

They weren't well developed, and it was kinda forced by hera even tho I know that at one point they truly loved each other but it wasn't well executed and they were bad as showing it I honestly wish that they had more time to understand themselves and then into a relationship like it would have been much better that way yk

4. Frazel : 8/10

They're cute together, they make each other happy they're comfortable around each other and they trust each other hence they're a good ship

I don't see why the age gap thing is a problem because it's just 3 years and where I'm from, that's a pretty normal age gap between lovers like my grandparents have a 10 year age gap but they're happy and love each other but ill add it since some people see it as problematic. They're underdeveloped and kinda rushed, and whole I get that they knew each other before SoN but still

5. Caleo : 4/10

It came outta nowhere dude like they were together for 2 chapters and then kiss kiss fall in love like wth 🤦‍♀️ but they have potential to be good ship ig I'm being generous with 4 because of that also the age gap thing isn't a problem because mentally and physically calypso is like 15-16 but if you see it chronologically calypso is older than apollo who is 4 thousand five hundred years old and that's 🚔🚨👈😄

6. Valgrace : 7/10

So so much potential they would have been soo cute and the most un problematic 🤧

7. Percico : 3/10

No, just no percy literally strangled nico when he was 12 even though he knew that nico didn't mean to betray him and honestly just wanted to know about his mom which percy should have understood because his mom means the world to him and it was clear that nico didn't expect hades to double cross him and percy had a right to be mad but strangling nico is too far . Bro also implied that nico doesn't belong in chb at the end of botl, and bro was silent during the negotiation of whether to save nico or to let him suffocate inside a jar which un excusable he also kept giving nico responsibilities like dealing with hades's wrath which could result in death during tlo and then the whole doors of death thing when nico was extremely weak. so yeah, no, they'd be toxic asf oh and I forgot mention percy never apologized for anything and never thanked him ( from what I remember, it's been a min since I read tlo ) also nico had a case of hero worship crush on him which would make a power imbalance in that relationship soooo

8. Jasico : 5/10

I see them as bros and so does rick and it's written in a way that people would see them as friends like it's clear that nico doesn't like jason like that and in tsats it's said that he missed the feeling of Jason's protective arms around him because he trusts jason and if he was to say something about Reynas hug it would be the same thing or even hazels hugs because that's how he sees them In a platonic/ familial way ( not saying that jason is his brother here ) and he also said something like a part of him died when jason died and that's because he cared about jason like he was his 1st actual friend and he felt him die so this is understandable he's allowed to grieve his friend and miss him . Also, jason is kinda unfortunately dead 😕 😔 so it's outta the question. And if he ended up with jason the whole I can belong thing wouldn't happen because it was will who made him realize that he can have a place in chb jason tired to tell him that but nico didn't really believe him . But hey, I understand the jasico shippers and respect the ship. I don't ship it, and I never will, but I can see why people like it because jason does care about nico and nico cares about jason .

Wait, I think it's canon that nico heard the sevens debate on whether he should be saved or not in his dreams, and if it is canon, then nico saw jason vote for him to die in a jar sooo

9. Jercy : 6/10

I don't ship it ship it but it's a fun thing to think about. It's my crack ship, but I could not see it happen in Canon at all

10. Pipebeth : 6/10

Annabeth was definitely pipers queer awakening, but same as jercy, it's my crack ship

11. Reyna with anyone is not my thing because rick said she's aro/ace, but if you ship theyna or jayna, you're cool because her sexuality isn't confirmed in the books, so you can interpret it in anyway you want

12 . Nico x any girl is ew because he's gay it's confrimed in the books and multiple times by rick himself and if you ship him with any female gtfo

13. Valdangelo : 2/10

I don't know how leo views nico now, but when we do get his pov, he always has something bad or rude to say about him and as much as I love leo it makes me wanna hit him

I'm sorry for the typos and mistakes. I still don't have my glasses, and if I'm wrong about something, please correct me

[missywritesfor7]

❤️‍🩹Lifeline | MYG❤️‍🩹

Synopsis: It’s long been controversial for idols to date, but idols dating each other can be really beautiful or a complete nightmare. When Yoongi's relationship with another idol is discovered, he decides maybe it’s time to break the taboo and show people it’s ok for idols to date. Instead, they find themselves caught in the midst of one media frenzy after another and struggle to keep their relationship as strong as it had been the past 2 years. Yoongi finds a self destructive way to cope, and it causes even more problems than it solves. As they fight for their relationship and their careers, they discover that sometimes, the only way to truly be free is to let go.

Pairing: idol!Yoongi x idol!OC

Warnings: nsfw, alcoholism, cheating, depression, anxiety, Yoongi goes through a bisexy ho phase, Yoongi is also in his alcoholic phase, post-military BTS

Previous chapter | Next chapter | Masterlist

Ch. 19: Your Letter

Yoongi needed a longer session with Minho the next day. He barely slept so all of his feelings of hurt and sadness continued to grow throughout the night. By morning he was a puffy red eyed mess wishing for something to drink again.

The session was rough and involved many tears and realizations. Yoongi learned a lot of things about himself that he didn’t quite realize before. That unleashed more emotions because now he feels like he doesn’t even know himself anymore. It was the roughest session he’s had so far.

The session ended with homework for Yoongi, which is typical. Minho always gives Yoongi homework after each session. This time his homework is to read a few things about codependency that Minho sent him. The more Yoongi read, the more he got upset. He fit the description, but he wants so bad to not. It just adds another thing to his list of issues.

Regardless of his denial, he knows one thing. He needs to apologize to Hyeri. He may not be ready to accept that he’s codependent, but he’s willing to admit that he shouldn’t have acted the way he did with her. He should have believed her when she said she was fine and he definitely shouldn’t have made her feel like a helpless baby. It wasn’t his intention at all and he’s been feeling like shit ever since he came to the realization that he was in the wrong. On top of that, Hyeri’s birthday is in just three days and the last thing he wants is for her to hate him on her birthday.

He starts to type out a message but then stops midway through. He can’t text her an apology. As ashamed as he is to speak to her again, he knows a text message would be too impersonal and seem lazy. So he calls her.

The phone rings once and he hangs up.

He curses himself then calls again. This time taking a deep breath and for whatever reason hoping she doesn’t answer because he’s starting to realize he’s much too nervous to talk to her.

“Hey,” Hyeri’s voice softly rings through the phone.

“Hey,” he says with a shaky voice. “How did you sleep?” He asks suddenly going blank on what to say. “No, I mean, have you had breakfast? It’s ok if you haven’t. I mean I think you should have something for breakfast, but you don’t have to.”

“Is there a reason why you called?” She asks hoarsely. She hasn’t yet gotten out of bed and aside from that she had been crying all night, so she’s not actually in the mood to talk. Still she couldn’t stop herself from answering when his name popped up on her phone.

“No. I mean yeah, I just…” he pauses to take a deep breath and pull himself together. “I wanted to apologize for last night. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like a baby or anything. I was being…I don’t know…”

“Overbearing and suffocating,” she says finishing his sentence.

“Right,” he sighs. “I’m sorry, Hyeri. Truth is, I talked to Minho today and now I feel all fucked up and confused because he told me things about myself I never realized and I’m starting to wonder if I ever even knew myself in the first place.”

“Told you things like what?”

“That I’m…I just…he said a lot and I’m working through it all. I just wanted to apologize because I love you and I don’t want you to hate me for being a helicopter parent.”

“I don’t hate you, Yoongi. I never could. I just want you to know how frustrating it is for me. It’s like you’re focused too much on taking care of my every want and need, but you don’t focus enough on yourself. You ignore everything going on with you and devote your every moment to catering to me when I don’t need it and at times I don’t want it. I’m just tired. You’ve put me through a lot, Yoongi.”

“I’m sorry,” he says through the knot in his throat. “You’re right and I guess I’m finally starting to see that. I can’t get anything right when it comes to you.” He pauses realizing he’s saying just the thing Minho was telling him about earlier. “I’m sorry. I’m trying, I mean it,” he pleads. “It’s hard. So hard. I’m working on being better. I swear when I leave here I’ll be a much better person. I’ll be clean, I won’t lie or cheat or get back into drinking all of the time.”

“I know,” she says. “I know you’re trying to work on it, but you still have a long way to go. I’m trying my best to be patient but you have to know last night it was just too much on top of a day that was already stressful.”

“I know and I’m so sorry for that. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. I’m really trying, Hyeri. I want to be so much better for you.”

“I know,” she sighs hating what she’s about to say. “I think maybe it was a bad idea for us to start talking on the phone. It was probably a bad idea for us to even text. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I think maybe we shouldn’t talk for a bit. At least until you’re able to find some mental stability.” She instantly regrets her words, but she can’t take them back. She knows he shouldn’t have been able to talk to her from the start because it could hinder his recovery, and it seems like it has.

“You don’t want to talk to me?” He asks feeling his heart drop to the floor.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” she insists. “I’m a distraction to you. Even if you don’t want to admit it, it’s true. You aren’t focused on yourself because you’re focused on me. If you don’t get better what would happen to us?” She chokes back tears at the thought of being without him.

Yoongi is silent knowing that she has a point, but not wanting to admit it. It feels like she’s trying to break up with him and he’s not sure he can take that.

“Babe,” she says in a reassuring tone. “I’m not going anywhere. I can take care of me, so you take care of you.”

“So…can we still text?” He asks feeling like his single source of mental and emotional relief outside of alcohol is leaving him.

“You can text me all you want. I just can’t guarantee that I’ll respond. Just…so you can remain focused. But I’ll always read your messages. I promise.”

“You wouldn’t miss me?” He asks searching for reassurance.

“I always miss you when you’re not here. That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just that…maybe I have an audition for that very big role that JJS tried to stop me from going for and I need to concentrate on that right now. Just like you need to concentrate on your health.”

“You have an audition? That’s great!” He says suddenly proud and almost as if she didn’t just suggest they not talk for a while.

“Yeah,” she responds softly. “I need to focus on that and focus on my own healing, you know? I haven’t really been able to since you’ve been home and it’s starting to catch up to me. So please use this time to take care of yourself.”

“Right,” he sighs. “Take care of yourself too. I mean…you already do so I guess I don’t need to tell you that…”

“It’s ok. I love you, Yoongi.”

“I love you too, Na Hyeri. I…I hate this, but I know you’re right. I love you so much, please wait for me I promise I’ll make it all up to you.”

“I’ll be here, babe,” she says. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah,” he says softly. The call ends and he simply lays in place in the bed.

His heart hurts. It hurts a lot. But he knows she hurts too, and she deserves time to heal from everything he’s put her through.

That now leaves him alone with nothing but his thoughts. That’s a hard thing for him to deal with so he looks for a distraction. He goes to his keyboard and begins playing a few notes. Then a few chords. Suddenly he’s playing a melody off the top of his head, though it sounds like something he’s already long since written and perfected. It’s not, though. It’s just him freestyling fueled by the thoughts swirling around in his head.

After a minute he decides to set up his phone to record himself. He does it often when he wants to remember something he’s playing. He hits record and continues playing and playing.

Since Yoongi had left for treatment, the rest of the guys have been working on their own projects. Namjoon and Hobi both have taken on a number of things that have been keeping them busy. Jungkook and Jimin have worked on a few features, but spend most of their time on live with Army. Especially Jungkook. Taehyung has been taking over the fashion world. And Jin has remained mostly low key other than popping in on a couple of variety shows. However, for one day Yoongi asked a favor of them if they could.

Operation: Hyeri’s birthday.

It didn’t take long for Yoongi to think of a way to both apologize to Hyeri and give her the grandest birthday he can given the circumstances. He started by quickly polishing the song he had begun playing on his keyboard. He recorded a final video of himself playing it. It’s a song dedicated to her.

After writing the song, he went searching online for someone who could have 3 grand bouquets of flowers delivered to her on her birthday. Then he got the idea to make it a surprise. He ordered flowers, candy, jewelry, a few pairs of shoes, a massive Shooky plush, and a designer purse all to be delivered in 3 days.

He didnt stop there. He wants the surprise to be big and meaningful. He needs help though, so he reached out to his brothers to assist. Jungkook and Taehyung are both in different parts of the world so they aren’t able to help, but the rest of the guys agreed to carry out Yoongi’s operation.

Namjoon will be in charge of getting Hyeri out of the house. She has a schedule the morning of her birthday, that will keep her out for a while, but after that Namjoon asked if he could treat her to a birthday lunch. That will keep her away longer to ensure Jin, Hobi, and Jimin have plenty of time to set up the apartment with all of the gifts being delivered.

Yoongi has lots of free time, so getting all of these things setup was quick and easy. Once he had everything set he worked on the most important thing. What to say to her.

He knows she mentioned they should stop talking so he doesn’t expect that she’d answer the phone if he called. So he has no other option other than to write her a letter. He could send her a text, but he wasn’t sure that was the way he wanted to do this.

During his session with Minho the following day, Yoongi told him everything he was planning. Of course he first had to talk about the conversation he had with her and how it hurt a bit, but that’s why he’s so determined to make this perfect. Minho helped brainstorm ideas and in the end Yoongi decided he would hand write a letter to her on his tablet and send it to her that way.

Hyeri woke up the morning of her birthday almost forgetting that it was even her birthday. If it wasn’t for her birthday lunch with Namjoon, she would have just figured this day were like any other. She has breakfast, studies the script for her audition a bit, then heads out when her new manager arrives to take her to her first appointment of the day.

As soon as she’s gone, Jin, Hobi, and Jimin get right to work. They brought extra decorations for added impact, though Yoongi may not be fully aware. They have balloons, ribbons, and confetti that they put in every area of the place. They accepted every delivery that came and made sure to display everything clearly so Hyeri can see as soon as she walks inside. They took pictures of everything and sent them to Yoongi for his approval. When all was perfect they left, leaving Hyeri’s surprise waiting for her.

Yoongi waited for the signal. The message from Namjoon saying they finished lunch and Hyeri should be on her way home. That’s when Yoongi sent the letter he had written to her.

Hyeri knows she told Yoongi she may not respond to his messages, but she said she would always read them. She thought by saying that he would at least send her something, but he hasn’t. She hasn’t heard from him since they last spoke on the phone, until now. She lit up when she saw his name pop up on her phone. She couldn’t even make it to the elevator to get up to their floor, she had to read it right away.

The moment she saw that it was a handwritten note, she knew it was something sincere. Yoongi doesn’t always do handwritten letters. She leaned against the wall near the elevators not bothering to press the button. She’s only concerned with what Yoongi’s letter says.

My Na Hyeri,

Happy birthday my love! I wish I could be with you to celebrate, but since I can’t I hope this is enough. There aren’t enough words in the universe to describe what you mean to me.

From the moment I met you, I knew that you were special. Your smile, your laugh, your personality...everything about you just makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. Spending time with you always brings me peace and happiness, and I’m grateful for every moment we’ve had together.

I am so sorry for putting you through so much pain and heartache. I know that you deserve so much better than that. I’m working hard to become a better person, not just for you but for myself as well.

I know that the past year has been challenging for us, but I believe that our love is strong enough to endure anything that comes our way. I promise to work on myself and our relationship every day, so that we can continue to grow together.

I want you to know that you are the light of my life, and I will always do everything in my power to make you happy. I hope that you can feel my love for you at all times no matter how far apart we are.

I promise I will spend the rest of my life making up for all of my mistakes and showing you how much you mean to me. I love you with all of my heart, and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again.

Forever mine. Forever yours.

Yoongi

Hyeri can hardly even read the last few lines of his letter through her tears. Her heart hurts but feels so full at the same time. She takes a second to pull herself together and takes the elevator up. When she steps into the front door the tears start falling again.

She’s immediately greeted by one large bouquet of fall flowers. When she looks up she sees ribbons strung across the ceiling along with many balloons, some heart shaped. She walks further inside and is greeted by a second bouquet, bigger than the first, sitting on the coffee table in the living room surrounded by more confetti, a bottle of her favorite wine, and a small jewelry box. Inside is a silver cuff bracelet covered in diamonds with a matching pair of earrings.

From there she goes into the bedroom where she finds Shooky presenting her with the third bouquet and a gorgeous purse and shoes that are perfectly her style. At this point shes shed enough tears to fill a pool. All of these gifts that he somehow has set up for her plus the heartfelt letter he sent her has her feeling more loved than she ever has in her life. He’s put her through a lot, but he’s so good to her.

She takes a picture of herself hugging Shooky and sends it to him thanking him for everything. She tells him that he’s made this one of her best birthdays ever and she loves him so much. He quickly responds with the video of him playing the song he had written for her. He simply titled it “Rainbow”. There are no words, just him caressing the keys into a gentle melody.

Hyeri closes her eyes as she listens and smiles at how beautiful the music feels gliding into her ears and radiating a soft weightlessness throughout her entire body. He’s played her many songs before, but none like this. None made specifically for her.

Yoongi didn’t expect Hyeri to respond, but he was so happy that she did. He’s even happier looking at the photo of her hugging Shooky the way he wishes he could hold her. The smile on her face and evident tears in her eyes lets him know his surprise was a success.

It’s more than a success. Hyeri is in tears at Yoongi’s surprise. She misses him so much it makes this moment of happiness and admiration a little bittersweet. She can only hope that next year she won’t have to spend the day away from him.

[tauremornalome]

House MD for the top 5 things. Choose wisely

oooo thank you so much. finally i can bitch about this

top 5 things i would change in: house md

1. season 6 finale for the love of god. someone has to. im not a huddy hater but i absolutely despise the way they ended up getting together. and it's such a good episode up to that point! delicious whump! emotional torture! this is for sure one of the best premises for an episode this series has ever had. and then they had to tease sth for the next season in the last 5 minutes so they did the most out-of-character idiotic scene to ever exist. terrible. so ideally i would have made huddy get together sometime earlier in 6th season (not much, just maybe one, two episodes earlier) and house's breakdown in the finale to be a problem already for the two of them to overcome. or made huddy happen a few episodes into s7, and have either cuddy come to house in the s6 finale but not sleep with him, or have wilson come there and sleep with house somehow make house pull himself together

2. speaking of how huddy happens in canon, i would also love to change the episode in which cuddy breaks up with house. it's a terrible episode. it's boring. it's the same plot as the episode with cuddy's mum that was only like, what, 5 episodes earlier?? cuddy is behaving extremely out of character, and the breakup comes off very cheap. so. first of all, get rid of the cuddy cancer scare plot (i meannnn it's a nice parallel to wilson later, but it's really not worth it). second of all, have her break up with house in a more rational way, having decided he is too much of a mess, or that her career is too important to her to have to accomodate house at work all the time, or anything else. just have it be a product of rational thinking and not. this shit.

(overall i would have loved for huddy to happen sometime in the earlier seasons, like season 3 i think would be great! then they could have broken up bc of cuddy wanting a child and house not or sth, and they would have many many seasons post-breakup to somehow mend their working relationship and maybe even get to the point of house being a family friend)

3. there are so many -isms and -phobias in this fucking series. so. less of that, pretty please. i'm fine with house being a terrible person in this instance but i would love for the overall narrative to show him the middle finger for it more often. i would especially love to have a transgender or intersex character appear and not be ridiculed bc really. they were pushing it with the gender-related queerphobia.

4. cameronnnnn holy shit could we please get some decent and consistent writing for cameron. she doesn't have to be likeable, just. uaughhh. ok so i would lean more into her forming weird codependent relationships with patients, and her general emotional fuckedupness. i would have added a cameron-centric episode just before the wedding or just after it to show that she's not 100% invested in this relationship. also an episode concentrating around her work in the ER and her coping with how many patients go through her hands and how she doesn't remember most of them. also i would change her name to literally anything that doesn't end in -on like pleaseeee this is a nightmare i can't stand her being named allison cameron. let it be alice.

5. seasons 7 and 8 and the A-plot – B-plot balance. pisses me off when house is spending whole episodes not doing his job. go back to the ducklings. or ignore the case but at least do it on the hospital grounds - speaking of which, ROOF SCENES, WHERE ARE MY ROOF SCENES. there were some really nice roof scenes in the first seasons. i want the roof to feature more in the later seasons. if house must Not Do his job then at least i'd have him doing something silly on the rooftop. hot wheels track. painting the mona lisa naked. whatever.

also #6 bonnie girlie i'm obsessed with you. more bonnie. my favourite worst real estate agent in new jersey. i would have her appear once per each season. she is thirteen's one night stand. she is a clinic patient. she is selling kutner's flat. i would love for there to be more bonnie.

[person4924]

hi hello i saw on ur pinned post that u do analyses and stuff on characters and as a fellow joey potter stan i would very much like to read any and all of ur thoughts on her,, there’s tons of stuff in the fandom about pacey/joey and pacey but i have yet to see an in-depth character study of just joey which is a shame bc she is SUCH an interesting and wonderful and complex character outside of her romantic relationships (which the show sadly doesn’t showcase very much) and her fuckass codependent messy situationship with d*wson (let her be FREE of that BEAST)

so yes. any and all things joey potter at ur earliest convenience please :) <3

OOO YESS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!!

so i’m rewatching atm bc i watched a few years ago and forgot how much i loved it and i’m still brushing up so correct me if i’m wrong about anything

you can see whenever someone tries to comfort her, talk to her about emotions or compliment her, her body language gets closed off. she’ll hide herself and pull her knees to her chest and lean away from the person. also whenever someone calls her pretty, she’ll flat out call them wrong. it’s so obvious how much she hates herself and the way she looks, and ik u said u didn’t want me to talk about her rs with dawsons but i think it’s important to her character and how she interacts with him is important. it’s important to note that, they were childhood friends and he was there for her throughout all of the trauma she induced, her mom dying, her dad going to prison, everything. and i think physiologically that’s probably a big reason she fell in love with him. he was “there” for her throughout all of that, and so subconsciously she probably developed a deep connection to him and felt like she could trust him with everything and anything, and so she mistaked that for being in love with him. and then it ended in unhealthy codependency and dawson being a dick. AND also she was in love with him, like actually in love with him, and while she’s been in love with him for a while, dawsons only realizes when she has makeup on and is all dressed up. which is basically like “i’m only attracted to you because it’s convenient and your pretty” which is so fucked up. so in her head she probably connected love with looks and so in her head now she’s thinking “i have to be pretty to be loved” and she already thought she was ugly. so basically in her head dawson made her think “i have to be pretty to be loved, and i’m not pretty so i can never be loved” and that also shows in her future rs that whenever someone says that they love her or think she’s beautiful she shuts down, and again you can see it in her body language. OH WAIT ok i also forgot, before all this, because of her parents rs shes in the mindset that “vulnerability is bad and allows opportunity for people to leave, so don’t be vulnerable.” sooo basically her head is already so fucked up and confused and then dawson just added a ton of shit on top of that. and again with her body language you can see whenever she feels vulnerable or emotional, that’s why she gets closed off and snaps at people

i hope that made sense and i didn’t focus on dawson too much (i hate him sm) and thank you so much for asking! if you have any other specific questions or requests i would be more than happy to do them

[glitter50000]

@greensaplinggrace thanks for the tag!

�� Age Gap: -6

Ehhh I’m not really a fan but if a ship I’m exploring it has in then whatever

• Codependency: 5

depends on the ship cause it can’t just be any ship it has to be a specific one that either has this or can lead up to it

• Obsession/possessives or Jealousy: 9

ok listen this is just a juicy trope for me but it has to be executed right for me to click it. The possessives can’t be that kinda ‘push you against the wall hard cause you’re mine’ thing, it has to be subtle. A hand around their waist, pulling them close in their sleep, inner monologues on how they’ll do anything for their partner to keep them safe, stuff like that. For Obsession, it can be one sided but it’s much better when both of them are equally obsessed with each other. Jealousy….typically I only click it for funny fics. Like when one character is just seething silently cause their partner is being flirted with, then later on their partner is like “oh lol were you jealous babe?” Those crack me up (Wow this got long-) TLDR: I like it most when one person says “you’re mine” and the other replies “I’m yours”

• Opposites (grumpy/sunshine, etc): nope

Ehhh I’m picky about how this portrayed and it kinda works better for fanart for me but who knows?

• Enemies to lovers, enemies with benefits: nope

I’m sorry I just am not a fan of this trope and maybe there’s a rare one out there sometimes, but generally I’m not a fan. The enemies with benefits is a nope and I think that’s just a me thing cause I do not understand hating someone and wanting to sleep with them at the same time but idk • Friends with benefits: -3

I’m just ehhhhhh about it, idk it’s there. I’m not really interested tbh

• Sex with feelings: 0

I mean if it has it then whatever but i don’t typically care about it (this is basically regular sex when I look for fanfics)

• Fake/pretend dating relationships: 0

Meh I don’t typically look for it tbh but I’ve probably read some before

• Friends to lovers: 8

Yeah this is pretty cute, makes for some good fluff or angst. Or it could be for funny scenarios in which pining occurs

• Found family: 4

Depends on the media and if that media can or already have a found family in it

• Hurt/comfort: 7

Makes for some good scenarios but I can only read so much sad stuff (now when it’s just hurt is another topic 👀-)

• Love Triangle: nope

I cannot stand love triangles so nope

• Poly, open relationships: 9

Depends on the ship but yeah these can have fun scenarios

• Mistaken/hidden identity: 1

I don’t really go looking for this but I probably have read one before

• Monsterfucking: 4

…😳

• Pregnancy: 4

I don’t have any strong feelings for it, it can make for good fluff though

• Second Chance: -8

It could depend on the character but most of these are tagged for a character that I think “they would not fucking do that”

• Slowburn: -1

If it has plot than yeah but mostly I’m not a fan cause JUST KISS ALREADY UGHHHH

• Soulmates: nope

Mmmm not really a fan of the soulmate trope

(Tags: @lady-a-stuff, @imruination, @fandoms-ruin-life, @grishaverse-chaos, @ryoryeonggu, @gracestone, @ennoxusstation , @miss-lonely-hearts, @lizajane2 ,@the-reclusive-wanderer, @and-home-before-dark and anyone else who wants to join!)

Trope Rating Game Rules: how much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 - don’t care either way

+10 -> very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

***

Thank you for the tag @infp-obsessing-over-everything!!

Age gap: 8

I usually prefer the tag most when it's referring to a canonical age gap, because when authors make the characters closer in age for contrived reasons I sometimes don't enjoy the fic as much. So it's pretty enticing to see this tag in a lot of fandoms.

Codependency: 10

Sorry fam I love those unhealthy relationship dynamics I love obsession and I love codepency. I unfortunately cannot help this. I hope they die together.

Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: 8

I love possessiveness and obsession when it's a part of a power dynamic that is appealing to me, especially when it's a part of a relationship where the other partner likes it or isn't disturbed by it - and especially especially when it's a vital function of their dynamic to begin with. But I actually don't like it when it's just used for random relationship drama. Jealousy can be pretty hit or miss for me when it's actually a constructed scenario where a partner gets jealous and this causes tension between them.

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): -8

I have a hard time with tropes like this where the characters are often ooc to fit into a dynamic that only really appeals to fandom. I don't really like cookie cutter character stuff like this. It's why I'm not too fond of incorrect quotes stuff either.

Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: 10

YESSS!! Forever and always. I adore any relationship with enemies I love it more than anything. Give me that good good tension and angst.

Friends with benefits: 5

This can be a fun one for me, but I generally don't like them unless the characters eventually get together or the dynamic just hits really well and is spectacularly written.

Sex to feelings: 2

Depends on the execution. Like friends with benefits, I'd need it to be really fleshed out and engaging. I don't hate it, but it is kind of a boring dynamic for me.

Fake dating/relationship: 8

Spectacular because of the angst and opportunity for hurt/comfort. Also occasionally shenanigans and hijinks. Not as appealing to me if none of that is involved, however, and the biggest draw for me is whump.

Friends to lovers: 9

I love this one almost as much as I love enemies to lovers. I'm a sucker for a good, solid relationship with a steady dynamic, and I love it when friends to lovers delivers on those really close and comfortable bonds. I'm a sucker for anything that focuses on characters knowing each other at a bone deep level.

Found Family: 6

Found family as a concept is something I really like. Usually when it's tagged in a fic, the fic is written by someone who is obsessed with purity and wholesomeness, though. Which can get a bit uncomfortable. I like hurt/comfort and I like the recovery aspects of these fics a lot, however, so it's a toss-up.

Hurt/Comfort: 10

Utter perfection. Most of the fics I read are whump and hurt/comfort. I will generally avoid any other fics in the fandom until I've devoured every single hurt/comfort fic first. I'm always in the '[character] needs a hug' tag or the 'hurt [character]' tag. I live for it.

Love Triangle: nope

Not unless it turns into polyamory. But then all the stuff that makes love triangles annoying is gone anyways, so it's not remotely the same.

Poly, open relationships: 10

The best aspect of fanfiction aside from hurt/comfort tbh. But I'm really fond of complicated and sprawling and open relationship dynamics. A character accepting their partner needs more is appealing to me.

Mistaken/hidden identity: 8

Generally these serve, because I'm always a sucker for a misunderstanding written well.

Monsterfucking: 10

Yeah I'm a monsterfucker. That is something about me. Although there are fics that even I have to steer clear of.

Pregnancy: -10

The only reason this isn't a nope is because I have read a total of two pregnancy fics where they worked for me, and it was only because the plot was interesting enough and there was potential for hurt/comfort.

Second Chance: -5

It's kind of boring to me. Also I get stressed by betrayal and second chances angst. Which I know seems out of character, but it makes sense in my brain.

Slowburn: 5

Depends on the other parts of the fic. I'm not going to read something just because it's a slowburn, but I don't mind it.

Soulmates: 0

If it's poly it's an 8. If it's not poly it's mneh. I like the unique fics that explore things from an interesting perpsective, but it takes a lot to get me to read a soulmates fic where they're just soulmates.

Tagging: @justawholebunchofcows @thewillowbends @greenglassmountain @jaskierian @glitter50000 @vesperass-anuna @hxntersbxne @finnismyoriginalsin @imruination @mommacomms and anybody else who wants to play!

[randompasserbyer]

fuck shit saw a tumblr name i shouldnt have aauuuggghhh :( why cant i just get as far away from them as i can. i just want to be safe. i want others to be safe. i want them exposed as the abusive narcissist they are but i also just?? want to leave them alone and keep recovering. revenge is petty and all that. tr*shdr*gonhouse, please, just leave me alone. stop haunting the circles i frequent. i just want to be calm again, i dont want to get triggered by it

[oviids]

pls share some of your spn fic recs 🥺🥺

ok, a few things first:

followers and mutuals who do not have supernatural brainworms, kindly avert your eyes

i don’t normally rec or even read much fanfic any more but this is a CRISIS ok (cont.)

there is so. much. content for deancas out there and i have incredibly high standards, several ancient ao3 bookmarks, can speedread, and want to spare you guys the experience of wading through it all.

i also have a section for spn femslash since I was pretty into that back in the day (sadly a lot less fan content for this :/)

I don’t really like au’s or pure smut (I honestly usually just skim or skip those scenes) so if you’re mainly looking for that kind of thing this probably won’t be very helpful to you. jsyk.

i’m not great at describing stuff but i’ll do my best, i’ll also try and add tw’s when neccesary.

i wil try and keep updating this with any other decent fics i find, feel free to rec stuff too since i’m like 7 years behind.(edit 1/25/21) this is getting looooong so i’m going to start making another list on my spn blog rather than update this one

(edit 1/3/21) since this has gotten pretty long i’ve added rating/approximate word counts and marked my particular favorites with an asterisk.

Dean/Cas fic:

So Says The Sword*** - explicit/85k. FUCK its good...au/time travel where dean is not pulled out of hell by cas and says yes to becoming the michael sword. honestly could serve as an alternative to actually watching the show, if you want to get into dean/cas without actually doing that to yourself.

Fata morgana.*  - teen/6k, pst s9 finale. very bela centric and i love it, she finds cas looking for dean in hell.

Redemption Road -misc/600+k. an incredibly long fic from a collaborative writing group back in the day. canon divergent from the end of s6 on, has a cool take on godstiel and the leviathans, as well as the lovecratian mythos connection. ngl when i reread it i only made it about 28% in but imo the casual reader can actually stop around there, the rest concerns a lovecraftian apocalypse that is still good (i think i don’t remember it very well) but not required to enjoy the first half. if you prefer i have an ebook version i can send you on gdrive.

Someone Who's Feeling For Me* - mature/45k, s12. they run into lisa braeden and dean thinks cas is into her while cas thinks dean still likes her. treats lisa way better than the show ever did and the miscommunication is pretty funny rather than annoying.

a turn of the earth - mature/95k. time travel fic where cas from s10 keeps showing up in deans life from a few years before s1 to right before the hellhounds take his soul.  slow burn, good character study, and at one point cas punches the dad in the face and it rules.

On the Wings of War - teen/85k, canon divergent s5. dean accidentally becomes the Horseman of War. plays fun, fast and loose with biblical lore, michael has some rights.

Named - mature/95k, alternate s5. EXTREMELY blasphemous in a fun sexy way. manages to predict metatron almost to a T. there’s one major character death and its literally jesus christ, everyone is very sad about it and it sets the rest of the story rolling. an alternate interpretation of cas’ mission to raise dean from hell which had me on the floor. ngl its kind of misogynistic at points, but its from 2010 and tracks with late oughts-2010 spn (sorry anna the author did you dirty here:/).

The Girlfriend Experience - explicit/15k. uhhh i don’t normally rec or even read smutty stuff unless someone i know is specifically asking for it but this has stuff like sam trying to be a good ally and dean thinking holding hands with cas is ‘kinda gay :/’ minutes after having gay sex with him.

i crippled your heart a hundred times - explicit/19k, s8. cas confesses his feelings and dean spends a long time getting his head out of his ass about it. truly hits different after the actual confession, despite being written six years early it feels like its actually what could have gone down more or less if the writers weren’t talentless demons who hate us.

My Roots Take Flight** - mature/125k. reverse au where cas is a hunter and dean’s an angel...OR IS IT???? an alternate retelling of s4. tw for briefly being set in a psychiatric hospital/the hospital being mentioned somewhat frequently throughout the fic, plus more references to torture in hell and heaven than usual.

The One Thing You Can't Lose* - teen/4k.you know those posts about how cas is a super-strong super-tough ancient warrior but he just lets dean tug him around because he likes it? thats it thats the fic.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - teen/14k, post s8′s ‘goodbye stranger.’ cas is on the run with the angel tablet but keeps in touch with sam and dean by text, he and dean still manage to be terrible at Actual communication.

Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day - mature/30k, post s11. a monster that takes the appearance of your soulmate leads to some wild miscommunications and dealing with years of repression, also dean gets to see cas’ true form which is always cool. tw for non-graphic mentions of underage sexual assault/sex work.

Down to Agincourt - mature/explicit/900++++k, endverse continuation. endverse!cas survives his encounter with lucifer and discovers another time-displaced dean from s7. i’ve only read the two of four parts but its really good, veeeeery slow burn, has a lot of fun oc’s and takes a rather surprising but (imo) entertaining and intriguing turn into Hellenic history and mythology. usual tw’s for endverse/endverse!cas but nothing graphic, it’s actually pretty light-hearted (relatively speaking of course).

Nothing Equals the Splendor** - explicit/8k, THEE finale fix it fic you’ve been waiting for! posits that the entire final episode was just a (very bad and lame) djinn’s vision.

like moses and batman and james dean - explicit/31k, post s8. explores dean’s trauma and internalized homophoba from his technically canon experience with sex work and its impact on his relationship with cas. the sex work itself isn’t really shown in any detail but it’s still a relatively heavy fic.

Crazy Diamonds - explicit/25k, s4/alternate s14. fresh-out-of-hell dean and dean from 10 years in the future are displaced from time and sent to each other’s present.

where the weeds take root - explicit/30k. au where the men of letters kick them out of the bunker and they accidentally move out into the country, get over their codependence and semi retire. featuring chicken coop building, sam volunteering at a dog shelter, gardening, and blissfully mundane domesticity.

No Resting Place - teen/6k. djinn dream fic, switches back and forth between cas’ dream of being married to dean and retired from hunting to the aftermath when he wakes up. tw for brief mention of suicide since, y’know, djinn dream.

any port in a storm - mature/52k. post s8 finale. cas and dean have to pose as a couple going through a rough patch for a case and actually deal with their emotional baggage, cas struggles with being human and metatron is up to stuff.

all this and heaven too* - explicit/7k. in the author’s own words ‘...a love letter to every trans person who ever projected onto Dean Winchester.’ absolutely unzipped me emotionally and theologically, its just. so good. tw for very brief mentions of internalized transphobia/dysphoria.

Because it is* - mature/6k, finale fix it. killing chuck does not bring back anyone back and the winchesters spend a very long time dealing with what they’ve lost, cas and dean SOMEHOW still manage to have signifigant communication issues even after the confession. tw for suicidal thoughts/brief attempt.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit* - teen/4k, s6. when cas fell for dean it automatically soulbonded/angel married them, shenanigans ensue when dean finds out during the angel’s civil war. funny and actually written back when s6 was airing so cas is still (or at least pretending to be) kind of an OP asshole which is fun.

Rinse, Repeat - teen/3k, s8. angsty character study of cas as he’s reprogrammed and trained to kill dean. not really dean/cas since its just cas’ pov of canon events but its beautifully written and ends with him snapping out of it through the power of love (also now a canon event!).

Emergence - explicit/59k, canon divergent after s11. dean meets a hunter he only recognizes as their friend claire novak’s missing father, but soon realizes he might be the answer behind the mysterious void in his memories and feelings (aka everyone’s memories of cas are completely wiped away for three years).

Cuckoo And Nest - explicit/10k, early established relationship/character study, cas tries to figure out how he fits into dean’s life and space in the bunker.

Build a Home* - teen/20k, canon divergent s12. sam and eileen are cute and turn the bunker into men of letters/hunters hq and everyone but cas moves in, mutual miscommunication issues and pining ensues.

Down in the River - teen/5k, early s8, cas prays to dean in purgatory while sam and dean try to figure out a way to get him out.

Teaching Poetry to Fish* - mature/52k, ?? BC through the entire series/canon divergent s14 and 15. retelling of crucial scenes throughout the shows timeline from cas’ pov, feat. actual fish and poetry.

the minor fall, the major lift - gen/4k, post confession/finale fixit. dean goes into the empty to save cas and runs into several old friends (and enemies).

With the Kisses of His Mouth* - teen/3k, gen later seasons. dean and cas keep kissing by accident.

Remaining Grace - explicit/109k, alternate s6. au where cas asks dean for help with raphael and dean, of course, does. tw for temporary major character death/semi-graphic depictions of alcohol withdrawal.

The face of heaven.* - teen/10k, au, dean is a regular guy and cas is a fallen star (think ‘stardust’, kinda).

Stories Are Made of Mistakes*  - teen/5k. newly human cas has trouble getting used to a human body and humanity in general, but still figures out that he and dean are A Thing before dean does.

Hurry Up And Wait - mature/21k, canon divergent s12. a fairyland and quite possibly LOTR related case comes up and dean goes full fanboy, mary is introduced to the wonders of the peter jackson adaptions, many references and comparisons (including between cas and dean’s ‘friendship’ and arwen/aragon). also charle is still alive and has just been doing fairy stuff this whole time.

There Are Many Things - explicit/28k, s9. cas is extremely lonely/touch-starved and trying to figure out this whole human thing, as well as where he and dean stand after being kicked out of the bunker.

It's A Long Life to Always Be Longing - teen/40k, post s11 finale. amara helps dean by putting him in a magical coma so he can finally get some much needed rest and show him possible futures for him, sam and cas. meanwhile sam and cas go on a roadtrip (or several) to find componets for a spell to wake dean up. really good sam and cas friendship, they actually talk about their shared lucifer trauma and stuff.

Non-Photo Blue - gen/2k, s4/5/alternate s5. fifty moments from cas’ memories of dean.

Tall Grass - explicit/57k, canon divergent post series. cas becomes the ultimate plant dad. feat the wayward sisters gang, cathartic character growth, fun oc’s, domesticity, and lots of actual botanical info-dumping.

on vessels - no rating/gen/2k. established dean/cas, cas tells dean about how he used to imagine what it would be like to have him as his vessel.

search for tomorrow on every shore* - teen/11k, post-finale (extremely derogatory). some angels in jack’s new heaven act out and dean gets temporarily resurrected in 2003 and runs into his younger self.

Architecture of the Minotaur’s Heart - explicit/45k, very canon divergent post s1. dean’s new house seems to have a life and mind of its own, while in his dreams he sees glimpses of a world and apocalypse that never came to be and an angel that looks strangely like his mysterious neighbor, cas. loosely inspired by the book house of leaves (which i highly recommend for fans of weird horror).

The Distance Of The Setting Sun - explicit/17k, post s5. established dean/cas relationship, team free will finally takes advantage of cas’ abilities to go on vacation around the world.

diamond star halo - teen/5k, s11. dean lets cas use him as a temporary vessel while he recovers from rowena’s spell, sam is a long-suffering third-wheel.

Make Known** - teen/16k, s6/7. dean struggles to understand how cas could have become his enemy and whether he ever truly knew him in the first place.

blunt little instrument* - mature/1.4k, post finale. dean finally confronts his father in heaven, very cathartic.

my heart a compass*** - teen/10k, post confession. the empty forces cas to re-experience his most regretted moments while dean tries to snap him out of it and bring him home.

A Crash Course in Someone Else's History - teen/11k, s6. cas from the very start of s4 is brought forward in time by s6!cas to distract the brothers from his and crowley’s plans.

The Cuckoo Father - mature/8k, s7 au. the woman who found cas in the river post-leviathans does not marry him bc he was sent to her by god or whatever, but actually identifies him as jimmy novak and sends him back to claire and amelia.

The Dead Dean Clause* - teen/5k, post alt s5 ending. team free will celebrates surviving taking down lucifer by getting blitzed, cas lies to a cop and gets an impromptu driving lesson. title/description sound dark i know but it’s actually very funny and light.

Suck It, Judy Garland - mature/20k, s12 (after the ‘i love you...i love all of you’ episode). cas and sam have to pretend to be a couple for a case and dean is NOT happy about it.

By Daylight and In Dream - teen/16k, s5. pre-dean/cas, dean invites cas to use his dreams to hide from the other angels. tw for very brief mention of a memory/dream of alastair sexually assaulting dean.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - mature/22k, post-canon. an actually happy (if sometimes bittersweet) heaven endgame written several years ago, though some details are rather eerily similar to the show’s ending.

heaven is a place on earth* - teen/2k. dean’s pov of some of the times cas left him behind throughout the show, and one alternate ending where he finally gets to stay.

I Cleanse The Mirror - teen/20k, alternate s6. dean’s body is stolen by an ancient elemental and his soul has to hitch a ride in cas’ vessel.

an exploration of gender; angelic*** - mature/4k. *oscar isaac voice* lets get into angel gender politics!! aka cas is trans.

Zenith - explicit/33k, s9. after 9x06 an angry witch curses cas with the ability to see supernatural beings and human souls.

La cucina. - gen/3k, alt s9. dean goes wild helping a newly-human cas find out what kinds of food he likes, or the early s9 domesticity we deserved!

Dean Winchester, Cocksucker at Rest***** - teen/7k, post-finale. john and mary finally come over for dinner and john reacts to dean/cas in a rather predictable fashion. SOOOOOOOOO good omg, its so funny and a little sad and very very cathartic. part of a series that has a few other really good short fics.

The Way You Didn't Go - teen/5k, s15. coda to 15.09, dean has nightmares about the moc!cas timeline.

On Drowning - teen/28k. dean saves cas after he nearly drowns, they both try and deal with the physical/mental fallout (aka the fic where thee iconic “you only touch me when you think I’m dead or dying” originates). tw for realistic depictions of drowning/triage/misc medical information.

The Thirty-Six Questions That Lead to Love* - mature/13k. claire has dean and cas pretend to be her gay dads for a case and they play the titular 36 question game, get mistaken for swingers, and birdwatch, among other things.

Assorted F/F stuff:

Deep Breaths* - mary/ellen, au where mary said no to azazel’s deal and let john stay dead, still becomes a milf.

Like Rebel Diamonds - krissy/claire, they become hunter gf’s on the hunt for cas to kick his ass for taking jimmy. not-so-stealth dean/cas as well.

To Ash and Bone - anna/ruby, same author as the previous fic (p much all of her stuff is good from what i recall). au where ruby is a witch and helps anna when she’s cursed.

Holy Clockwork Angels - jo/ruby, STEAMPUNK au with very cool worldbuiilding.

At Day's End - jo/anna (my fucking KINGDOM for more jo/anna content, the dean/cas parallels are allllll there), au where they are both at the camp in the endverse and gfs.

these posts - ok so not actually a fic but i’m now obsessed with this hannah/meg dynamic.

Tagelied - mary/ellen, the true story of how ellen got into hunting before angels interfered.

Hell's Bells** - meg/abaddon, alternate s8/9 where meg survives crowley’s attack with sam’s help and teams up with abaddon (who she has a sk year old crush on) to take back hell.

The Ecstasy of the Rose - anna/ruby, anna travels back in time to escape heaven and becomes a signifigant part of ruby’s old human life.

Angel Underground - anna/jo, kind of an urban fantasy au with a very intriguing premise (sadly its very short, i’d love to see more if this ‘verse).

Clover, Flame - billie/mary, billie was always the reaper that showed up to take mary after her death(s) over the years.

Drag Me To Heaven - anna/ruby, a variant on the ‘last night on earth’ thing with dean.

Come Home* - jo/anna, canon-divergent au where anna is the new waitress at the roadhouse and helps jo set up a (probably not really) haunted house for halloween.

[firelxdykatara]

kitty i can't wait for your thoughts of Shadow and Bone asdfasfaw

Ok well I just finished and I have so many fucking thoughts. Most good! Some, less so. Part of it may just be my bias because I’ve only read the Six of Crows duology and have little interest in actually reading the original trilogy, because I know how it ends and Leigh clearly hates me personally and doesn’t want me to be happy (/j), so I was already predisposed to be far more invested in the Crows and Darkling/Darklina segments (genuinely, the Mal/Malina scenes/storyline bored me to tears, and while I appreciate that the show went out of its way to change Mal’s character to make him much less of a toxic douchebag [I’ve read enough excerpts and explanations of his actions in the books to really loathe book!Malina], it isn’t enough to make me ship them when Darklina is right there), but I also don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the Crows absolutely stole the show.

It’s actually kind of funny, because I’d assumed they were only being so heavily marketed to hype the show up even more, since while there’s a lot of TGT/SoC fandom overlap they are also two fundamentally different genres and I’d wager there are a lot of people who are massive fans of one but not so enthused with the other, while remaining fairly insignificant to the overall plot. Turns out, they make up fully half of the show’s runtime (much to my delight). Which is part of what I think will help this series stand on its own, both as a book adaptation and simply as a fantasy TV series.

I’ll put more of my story-specific thoughts under a cut, so there’s lots of show spoilers to follow!

I know that a lot of early reviewers were saying that Alina’s motivations and storyline revolved too much around Mal, and that really held true for me. It made sense in the beginning--he was the only constant in her life, she was thrust into something new, terrifying, and completely unfamiliar, and they’d developed an unhealthy codependence as a coping mechanism for their childhoods and the traumas they faced, the lives they lead growing up in a war-torn country. But she started coming into her power, falling for the General--not just his power and charisma, but what she felt when she was with him. The way he helped her summon the sun, the way she felt free in a way she never had before.

Until it all went to shit--but the Darklina make-out scene in episode 5? Fucking iconic. Poetic fucking cinema. The way they were quite literally about to have sex on that wartable (and someone better write fic of that moment, what if they hadn’t gotten interrupted), and the General left, but then he ran back just to kiss her one more time... this is what OTPs are made of ok.

I think what really bothers me overall is that Alina ultimately lacked agency in her one storyline, pretty much the entire way through. She did make a few choices, but they were mostly incidental, and a lot of it was Alina desperately trying to get back to Mal rather than seizing her own power and destiny and running with it. The most prominent example is the end of episode 5--Alina is having happy make-outs and almost bones the General in his own war room, and then he leaves, and Baghra comes in and infodumps to her about how evil he is and how he’s only using her and she needs to escape.

I recognize that a lot of this is probably because that’s essentially what happened in the book and Leigh is an executive producer for the show so she has a lot of shot-calling power. However, I really think that even in the book this plotline would’ve been better-served by having Alina make these discoveries on her own.

For example, imagine that the letters which were used as framing devices for episodes 2 and 3 were vitally important to the plot, rather than being one-offs that are mentioned a few times but not really affecting much of anything. Alina begins to get suspicious when she doesn’t receive word from Mal, and she starts wondering if her letters are even reaching him--so she starts snooping. She finds ashes in the war room hearth, late at night,, and recognizes a fragment of Mal’s signature and larger piece of her own. She now knows that someone--possibly the General, but maybe that creepy priest guy, or someone else in the palace--is keeping her and Mal from contacting one another. So she starts snooping around even more. She asks the General leading questions, trying to figure out what the truth is of his intentions. She still feels this pull--this connection to him, and she hopes she’s wrong, but she’s not willing to just sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop.

The Winter Fete still happens, she still gets the hot make-out session with the General, and then when he’s called away, she snoops through his papers, looking for anything that can tell her the truth. She finds a hidden compartment filled with journals.

She reads about Aleksander’s past (and, incidentally, wasn’t that supposed to be a huge moment in the books, him revealing his true name to her in private? kinda wish it had been kept that way in the show but who knows where they’ll go with it in the future)--that leads to the flashbacks in episode 6. She feels for him, but she also reads further--she gets a firsthand look at his desire for power, something that began as a noble desire to save his people, but was twisted by a lust for vengeance (for his lost love and all the Grisha who were killed) and shot through with greed, the realization that if he found the Sun Summoner he could control the Fold, rather than just destroy it. He could create a new world where Grisha could live without fear--where Grisha could rule.

Alina is terrified. Whoever the General used to be--whatever humanity she saw flickering in his eyes, the way his heart fluttered when they kissed--she can’t trust that it’ll be enough to save her from plans centuries in the making. So she goes to Baghra, the woman who helped her discover her power, learn to channel it--the woman who always seemed to know much more than she ever let on. Baghra gives her side of the story--Alina got it from the General’s perspective first, now Baghra is telling her something framed much differently. She isn’t sure what or who to trust, but she knows that Baghra seems willing to help her escape--but rather than trusting her ‘loyal Grisha’, she makes the choice she made in the show, to choose the other path, and winds up with the Crows.

Idk how Mal and the Stag thing would fit into this (if it isn’t obvious by now, Mal just... doesn’t interest me), but Alina’s story and her character arc would be so much stronger for it. And she’s supposed to be the central character, so her story being weak and her agency so frequently being compromised ultimately hurts the show as a whole.

I know I’ve gone on and on about Alina and the Darkling (look, I’m a slut for enemies-to-lovers, and also lovers-to-enemies-and-back, so Darklina and Helnik are where so much of my investment is rooted--plus Kanej, but that almost goes without saying), but the true standouts of the series were the Crows. Inej, Kaz, and Jesper, and Nina and Matthias in their episodes, stole the show (along with the Darkling, Ben is far and away the best actor in the cast and I love that for him, but Freddy, Amita, and Kit are also amazing, and Danielle&Calahan were fucking phenomenal as Nina and Matthias--I do have to say, though, that the whole cast is really solid and has amazing chemistry).

They worked together so perfectly--Freddy and Amita communicated so much with their eyes alone, especially together, and a whole lot of their relationship dynamic is rooted in how they exist together, which really came through. The show altered the Crows timeline considerably (I’m pretty sure Kaz would’ve been 14 during the original trilogy lol), so Inej is still at the Menagerie, but things like Kaz putting up the Crow Club for Inej’s freedom, the way Kaz needed her but could never bring himself to say it (until the end of the season dklhfgdkjfgh i SCREAMED)--the way Jesper played off the both of them, and it’s so obvious they all love each other even though they’re criminals and thieves and murderers, and Kaz would never admit it (out loud--which actually feeds into my theory that his love language is acts of service; Kaz does things for the people he cares about, he never announces it and he will almost always try to downplay it, but the way you know he cares is if, for example, he puts his entire life, everything he built, up as collateral for your freedom), but they’re a family.

One thing that I was kind of iffy about was Inej’s refusal to kill--but I thought it might be something they were planning to work into her overall character arc, and they did. It was the one line she hadn’t crossed--in the books, I’d imagine that it took a while for Inej to wind up at that point, being willing to kill on top of everything else. So I actually like that they worked that into the Crows plotline, and Inej killing for the first time was to save Kaz’s life.

Just like Kaz’s first selfless act was to save her.

(He’d deny it, of course. He protects his investments. He needed her for the job. But the truth is, he did it for her. And he’d do it again. Even if he’d never admit it.)

Meanwhile, Nina and Matthias’ storyline was pretty much note-for-note according to their backstory as it was revealed in Six of Crows, and I loved every second of it. Their chemistry was perfect, their journey from enemies to begrudging allies to friends to maybe something more (Matthias’ stomach cockblocking them when they were about to kiss had me fucking SCREAMING AT THE TV, and then of course the whole ‘betraying him to save him’ thing happened and I sobbed), and then suddenly right back to enemies.

Because from Matthias’ perspective, he trusted a witch--believed in her, liked her, wanted her--and she turned on him. He has no idea that she wasn’t the one who knocked him out in the first place, and no reason to believe her, because as far as he knows, she just confirmed everything he’d ever been told about Grisha. That they are deceitful and treacherous, would turn on you as soon as look at you, that they are dangerous and not to be trusted. It wasn’t revealed in-show but I imagine Matthias’ backstory is largely the same, which means that his entire family was slaughtered by Grisha when he was a young boy, and then he was turned into a brainwashed child soldier by the witch hunters and never knew anything else.

They are perfectly primed for their SoC arc next season and I, for one, am so stoked to see the rest of their journey. And if I slip Netflix a couple twenties, maybe they’ll let Helnik have a happy ending please please please.

Anyway, yeah! I have a lot of thoughts but things are still percolating in my head so I’ll probably float around the tags for a bit and let things settle. This is just a preliminary overview of my thoughts in the immediate aftermath of bingeing the entire show in one night kldfjghdkjfhgkjgf

EDIT TO ADD: I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT THE TRUE STAR OF THE SHOW, M I L O

MILO BEST BOY. MILO THE MVP. MILO DESERVES ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD AND I HOPE HE LIVES A HAPPY AND HEALTHY AND FULL LITTLE GOAT LIFE.

[yan-genshin]

a/n: hello to the fellow twst people who came here from my twst blog welcome to my secondary brainrot

warnings: general yandere themes, non consensual drug use, some spoilers for kaeya’s backstory 

♥︎ kaeya alberich

kaeya is obsessive in an almost paranoid way, which is almost surprising seeing how laid back and relaxed he seems to act most of the times. despite his seemingly sociable attitude, kaeya is similar to his brother diluc in that he doesn’t get close to others because he’s scared to lose them (or scared that being associated with him could bring them harm)

maybe that’s why it comes as a shock to the city to hear that the cavalry captain has gotten together with the mysterious honorary knight- everyone knows kaeya flirts and gets around, but nobody’s ever seen him settle down like that

it’s... almost cute, at first. he’s far from touch starved, but emotionally? kaeya seems to seek their attention and warmth almost selfishly, dragging them around on “missions” that are mostly work he’s supposed to be doing alone to eat up their time, interrupting their own tasks and missions just because he wants to see them

“aw, are you mad at me?” he’s got that playful tilt to his voice, the one he always uses when he’s trying to make things go his way or he’s trying to egg someone on. by now, the outlander isn’t sure which effect he’s trying to have on them; this is the third time kaeya swooped in and interrupted their daily commissions for the adventurer’s guild, putting them behind schedule and messing up their plans for the day. the spot in their bag where they would have put away the cecilias they had meant to gather in the evening but didn’t get the chance to just makes them more upset- but kaeya’s sudden embrace makes them drop that train of thought. “now, now, let’s not get angry... i’m really trying my best here to show you i love you- don’t you love me, too?”

kaeya seems to think the ends justify the means- the path to the best ending isn’t necessarily a pretty one, or so he says. he’s well aware of when he starts to use emotional manipulation to pressure his dear traveler into doing as he wants, he’s entirely aware of how he’s monopolizing their time

after all, the easiest way to get them to be as attached to him as he is to them is to break them down and build them back up as he sees fit. it’s cruel, it’s bad, but kaeya is the type of man who relishes in the looks of fear and doubt in other’s faces, and the type of lover who relishes in gently comforting the traveler as they cry when he’s the one who caused their tears in the first place

most of it is just to make them depend on him. oh, don’t get him wrong- kaeya’s well aware that the traveler can fend off for themselves. he’s seen how they fight, how they seem to move with battle experience that should be born from years and years of training despite their youthful appearance. but that strength is also what gives them freedom- and kaeya is not barbatos, and he doesn’t plan on giving them such thing

“can i go to springvale today...?” kaeya almost smirks. who would have thought the powerful hero of mondstadt- the outlander who swept in, who saved the city from dvalin, who once challenged boreas for training- could be reduced to such a meek creature that felt the need to ask for permission to simply wander outside the city’s walls? to outsiders, it might seem like it was just the traveler ‘settling into the relationship’, but he knew better than that. days of subtle manipulation, of using just the right words to drive them to tears, of comforting them while choosing his words oh-so-carefully were the hard work that was showing off now; a hero slowly being reduced to a docile partner

he doesn’t want to be abandoned. kaeya fears loneliness more than anything else, something he keeps hidden deep inside of him- vague memories of being abandoned on a rainy night, of his adoptive father’s passing haunt him, the ever stubborn feeling of being unwanted despite having so many swooning for him- it’s as if every little piece of the travler’s free spirited soul he chips away is a reassurance, a guarantee to him that they’re his and they’re going to stay

there’s no real limit to what he’ll do. he’s always careful enough to keep them right in his palm; even when the relationship has gone far from just a toxic relationship and fallen off into something worse, it’s as if they’re far too deep do climb out. it’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship, and kaeya is always one step ahead in making sure it’s damn near impossible, presenting himself as the only solace for the traveler

it’s almost an art how he’s the one making their life hell and also the one who comforts them and gives them a sanctuarium to “heal” and “feel loved”. whether it’s him destroying their hopes of seeing all archons, claiming it’s simply impossible, or implying that if their sibling truly were alive, word of them would have probably gotten to mondstadt already, kaeya is always careful enough so that his darling’s anger and grief doesn’t fall quite on him, so that he can be the one to gently comfort them and hold them in his arms

“shh, it’s okay darling, you couldn’t have known anything so terrible would happen.” he holds his lover’s shaking body as they cry into his shoulder, hands rubbing soothing circles into their back. despite this, the look in his face isn’t one of a man consoling his lover, but rather a smug smirk. they heave another sob: oh, they have all the rights in the world to be sad. how tragic that the particular knight who’d become their friend had to pass away so brutally- they’d simply asked him if he could gather some lampgrass for them, an innocent request, and he’d ran into a ruin guard. it’s your fault for asking him to go seemed to be the only thought that ran through their head, and kaeya, despite all his comforting, didn’t seem to downright deny it. after all, they didn’t need to know the poor knight happened to ask kaeya where he could find the lampgrass, they didn’t need to know kaeya just so happened to mark a location on his map where it just so happened he knew a ruini guard lurked nearby. kaeya may be a knight, but he’s never been to righteous- it’s not as if he directly spilled someone’s blood just because they got too close to his lover, right? suppressing a chuckle at the thought, he made sure his voice was still in a comforting tone as he spoke, “next time, just ask me for any favours. no need to go and talk to others and have this tragedy repeat, right?”

it’s almost laughable, really, how much kaeya seems to circle around and pull strings just so he can make everything work the way he wants. realistically, it’d be just so much easier to just chain down the traveler, to just downright get rid of paimon instead of constantly bribing her with food or sending her off with amber to the point where the little fae seems to almost forget about the traveler- but kaeya needs to be loved. he doesn’t need the love to be healthy or to be real, it’s ok if it’s born out of manipulation and dependence. but all he does, he needs it to work into driving the traveler into a dark enough headspace wherein he is the only light in their life

... but that said, he’d rather have the traveler be his and lose their love than lose the traveler’s love and also lose them. ideally, they won’t abandon him because they love him (because he’s broken them, because he destroyed the hero of mondstadt and made them into a docile and codependent pet, because he’s destroyed their world and shown himself as the only alternative) but if needed, he’ll make it so they won’t abandon him because they can’t

after all, kaeya loves the sight of fear in their eyes. if they’re so eager to leave him, then perhaps he’ll just continue to indulge in their tears and their begging- this time wholy embracing the fact he’s the one that caused such things. it��s as easy as sleeping potions mixed in their foods to keep them pliable and docile, as easy as a chain keeping them locked to a basement; a treatment so hellish it makes them crave for the toxic hellhole of a relationship he offered before

“aw, are you uncomfortable? it’s too cold down here, isn’t it? poor thing. should i get you a blanket? do you think you deserve a blanket? if you keep acting good, i might get you one tomorrow.” it’s torture, the way he so gently traces their cheek, the way he looks at them with so much warmth in his eyes despite him being the one who’s got them chained up to a fucking basement. their brain screams at them to jerk away, to not give him the satisfaction of accepting his touch, but they’re cold, and despite being a cryo user, kaeya’s touch is so warm that they almost unconsciously lean into it. he laughs, the noise echoing in the almost empty basement; all that’s down here is a ratty old cot, a makeshift bathroom, and the heavy metal chain attaching them to one of the thick wooden support beams on the wall. cold nights like these almost make them miss being back in kaeya’s room, huddled in with him after he’s fallen asleep- probably after offering some comfort after driving them to a breakdown some hours earlier. but that’s long gone, now replaced with kaeya’s almost sadistic glee in keeping them down here, in seeing how the already broken traveler just shatters into a shell of their former self, how even now when he’s being outwardly antagonistic they’re starting to still try to find comfort in him: truly turned into a weak, docile, dependent little thing. 

[normal-thoughts-official]

If it’s alright that I spin off a little on your last ask, regarding that we know touch isn’t a big thing in shadowhunter culture. That just... kinda kills me a little bit? Because in the show Alec is so tactile?? Even with himself in always wringing his hands together (big mood tbh) and with Izzy and the fact that he always carefully touches Magnus’ shoulder whenever he wants to comfort him?? Like he’s so willing to be close and hug people to show appreciation and we KNOW they’re both so touch starved and they’ve both had to hold themselves back for different yet palpable reasons and like,,, UGH, then healing from the abuse together but without it being unhealthy codependency or necessarily trauma bonding but rather, they work out what it is they each need to heal from and they support each other through it and in that support they find so much comfort from just touching. Which leads me to your theory about how much intimacy there must be in hand holding for Magnus since that’s where he expresses his magic? And I feel like, maybe sometimes it’s almost a little too much and Alec notices because of course he does, so he just gives a little affirming squeeze before letting go and Magnus being kind of stunned cuz like?? Wow he noticed that I can’t handle this intimacy right now and that’s okay apparently?? Wow imagine that. Like I just andhnsg I love their love and understanding of each other and I love that Alec doesn’t even seem to care that he initiates everything because he gets it!!! He knows Magnus might be ready one day but until then he’ll take the reigns and Magnus feels so safe in knowing he doesn’t HAVE to do anything!! Because he’s enough regardless!! Wow I’m a puddle

yes!! yes!!!! you absolutely get it!!!!!!! honestly alec and magnus have struggled with very similar things, and even have some similar tropes in how that affected their psyche (like they both obviously feel like they have to be useful and put themselves in a position where they have to solve other people's problems and be their caretakers in a way), i think the main difference between them is that magnus internalized it while alec not so much internalized it as understood that that's the safest way he would get to live. like of course there is stuff alec internalized but... with stuff like touch, we see how tactile he is, like u said. he is always touching magnus! grabbing his hand, his shoulder, going for kisses, getting into his personal space, chest poke, etc etc etc.

i think a part of that is thanks to izzy? like again mandatory disclaimer that i know izzy did a lot of shit and was extremely unhelpful to alec, but the fact is that izzy is very tactile and way less into obeying everything about shadowhunter culture. like we saw the way she was playing with max, then immediately stopped when she saw her mom, she knows she's not supposed to, but instead of alec who tries to play by the rules, she allows herself to rebel and do what she wants. partially, of course, because alec is already taking the role of the obedient child, and we know that he took most of the pressure from the lightwoods unto his own back so he could protect his younger siblings from it. so partially izzy "gets" to rebel (altho of course she faces a lot of abuse for it) because alec doesn't. but i also think that, beyond the eldest sibling syndrome, alec just... is very practical in that sense and if he's learnt that that is the way he should act, he's gonna follow it. the fact that izzy is very tactile and questioned all that stuff helped alec not internalize it as much by a lot, imo. also, like, he got to at least have one (1) person he could be tactile with, because we know that the lightwood sibs are all over each other (good for them!)

and i totally get what you mean about their relationship and the healing! it's one of the things i find very interesting about their relationship, because while they have SO much in common, including the abuse and suicidal ideation history, and have managed to help each other through the worst of it plenty of times... that wasn't really a big thing in how they bonded and built their relationship? which is SO great, because that balance isn't easy to pull off. like the main reason they are together is because they are FRIENDS and they have fun together and they are supportive and they are compatible, it's not built on their trauma at ALL, but it also doesn't ignore it. like they managed to make that something they can relate to the other without making it a pillar of their relationship, which almost inevitably leads to codependency or toxicity. and i just fucking love that for them

and again they are not really trying to fix each other (their talk about suicide and all was SO great, like... magnus didn't ask alec to live for him, or to stop hurting himself, or any other thing that would most definitely not work and just lead to alec hiding from him, he just made sure to open that channel of communication and ask alec to be open to him about it, ya know? and the same when magnus told alec about his past, alec didn't try to fix it or make magnus forget it or anything of the sort, he just made sure that channel was open and that magnus knew he would always support him and be on his side and wouldn't judge him for his past and aaa) but they actually have a dynamic that does them good? particularly i think exactly that i was talking about, with magnus being always scared of making the first move and thinking he's too much, and alec genuinely just wanting to shout from the rooftops and do everything he had been denying himself so far. like again i want to see magnus grow confident enough to love unapologetically and make the first move, but the fact that alec is so confident and open about what he feels does magnus so much good. and it's not something alec is trying to do - which is good, because that's not his job - it's just something that really works between them because it's how alec genuinely wants to be. you know what i mean??

or the way alec is always willing to have difficult conversations and is always so honest about how he feels and does not play any kind of games... like magnus is so used to navigating conversations and relationships like it's chess, because he needs to be careful to protect himself, but alec is just... not interested in being anything other than himself. and again he's not trying to do something that makes magnus feel more at ease and second-guess himself less, it just happens to be how he is and it happens to be really good for magnus

or the way neither of them expect the other to fix their problems is good because they both think they have to fix everyone's problems, preferably on their own, which is not good for them OR their relationships. and i could go on forever tbh. my point is: they do each other good, not because they are constantly trying to help each other, but because their dynamic is good and they are compatible in that way

and god yeah that thing you said about intimacy like!!! i think most of the time magnus needs and craves intimacy and just doesn't know how to ask for it, but they are also just so respectful of boundaries and pay so much attention to each other in that sense, you know? and yeah alec realizing that magnus might feel too vulnerable and letting go while also reassuring him that it's ok and he's not angry or disappointed is just... good shit. and like not to project but magnus being genuinely so shocked that alec even realized that something was too hard for him without him having to even say it? fucking imagine that. it lowkey blows his mind

but also all the vulnerability and implicit trust of handholding when hands mean so much for warlock culture and the fact that to him it's both an act of sharing and of trusting, because like - canonically, if you hold a warlock's hands down, they can't use their magic. so it's such a vulnerable act, both due to that and the fact that he is literally giving alec access to his own strength and magic source, and alec is doing the same too! just aaaaaa it means so much and i KNOW i've talked about this already but i lose my mind!!!

also alec being so fucking happy whenever magnus initiates those touches?? especially handholding? knowing how much that means for magnus and also just because he loves it and we know that? like again i can't get over the way he just grabbed magnus' hand and started towing him along to that locker thing (LET'S GO MAGNISS). or the way he smiled up at magnus when they held hands during lorenzo's party? chef's kiss. 10/10

so like him being genuinely happy both for himself because he gets to hold a man's hand (magnus' hand!!) to his heart's content and for magnus because he knows how much that means for him. honestly i think at the beginning alec didn't even realize he was always the one initiating stuff because he was just so drunk on getting to do everything he wanted and he was just like Must Hold Magnus' Hand all the goddamn time but of course eventually he's gonna notice, especially as he gets to realize the extent of magnus' insecurities, which i think he lowkey doesn't because the idea that magnus doesn't know how he feels about him just sounds RIDICULOUS when it's like, overwhelming to him sometimes, and not something he ever second guessed. but anyway, once he does realize he just... gets it and is mostly sad for magnus but he doesn't mind initiating it most of the time, on the contrary, he loves getting to do it after so long of holding himself back. but he's also happy for magnus' every step you know

also eventually magnus is gonna reach the point where he is just drunk on the fact that he GETS to express how he feels without fear and he is kind of all over alec the way alec is all over him and i bet alec loves it doahdsah he's just smiling or even laughing all the time when magnus touches him and they are both just so happy to have each other and aaa im dying

[darling-has-a-smol-heart]

🌻 tell me whatever you'd like, i would love to listen <33

THANK YOU HACE I LOVE YOU SM--

After ages of thinking, i decided i want to nerd about Bojack horseman.

You don't need to read all of this essay, just the chance to actually PUT these thoughts somewhere makes me happy <3

*rubs hands*

OK SO

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CHARACTER ARCS

I am trash at wording so don't be surprised if this is poorly redacted.

(A LOTTA SPOILERS AHEAD)

Bojack is by far the most relatable character in the show, for me at least. It's funny how this series teached me how to make relatability via struggles. I've never seen such an accurate representation of depression, and some episodes hit real close to home- for example, the "Stupid piece of sh-t" monologue at the beginning of the episode of the same name. They don't dramatize it, like OTHER SHOWS DO- (Yes 13ReasonsWhy I'm looking at you), and paint an accurate picture of how this illness holds Bojack back from being the better person he wants to be. His relationship with his mom was... Interesting to say the least.

The old Sugarman Place episode was haunting. Showing how the abuse from Beatrice's father shaped her into the person she ended up being. And how the cycle of abuse painfully repeats for generations. Her brother's death, her having to deal with his mother's grief and depression alone since her asshole dad didn't do sh-t to help the family move on after Crackerjack's death, and her mother's eventual and tragic lobotomy.

Just,,, Jesus this show.

Another thing I love about it, is how it made me understand that it was okay to emphasize with Beatrice, but one needed to understand that it didn't justify all the horrible abuse SHE put on Bojack, forever hammering in his head the "Don't stop dancing" motto.

Now, back to Bojack cuz BOY this is going to be a long essay.

The moment i knew this show was special was in season 2's "Escape from LA" another 'fuck-your-mind-up-and-move-on' episode. The things Bojack did were so terrible that- I mean i couldn't believe it. I was thinking all along "Nah, he wouldn't do it, he's the protagonist, he can't be THAT bad-"

AND THEM BOOM.

The mf almost sleeps with a 17-year-old and the show slaps you in the face with the realization that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED-

Something that makes me laugh are the consequences, not because they're stupid or anything like that. But were painfully accurate.

I think my mind was as anxious as Bojack's. Once the ACTUAL truth about his involvement in Sarah Lynn's death, and the cycles of abuse of power in his relationships came to the public eye, came what I expected: people actively shutting him out, insulting him, giving him those horrid judging looks,,, urgh- i felt that. (That second interview that revealed everything could have gone better, but it also could have gone worse. They didn't even explore the Escape from LA incident, or Gina's strangling in Bojack's opioid lash out.)

But yeah, once after the events of The view from halfway down (THAT I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO COVER CUZ OH GOD I WON'T FINISH) things start,,, looking up? Sure, Bojack gets arrested for trespassing (even though he affirms that he thinks it was for a but if everything) and he spends a good time there with the other inmates, they participate in plays, and even Bojack himself admits that he would go as a volunteer once he was out of jail.

I thought the consequences were going to be WAY worse, but when you look back at it you go: "Huh, well that wasn't that bad-"

Now, the final episode.

I LOVE the relationship between BJ and Mr. Peanut butter. The lad finally decides to dedicate time to himself and to not to worry about his marriages. You just gotta love this dog.

Then, Princess Caroline.

I LOVE HER OK?

Her entire character arc about being a mother and finally letting go of his codependency on Bojack was magical.

Seeing the roots of her impulsive "i have to take care of everything" attitude through the 6 seasons allowed me to see her grow, change. Seeing her triumph and fail (very painfully sometimes, man).

In the final scene with her it's so wonderful to see Bojack cheering on her, and Princess Caroline openly admitting she won't work with him anymore. And both just, dancing peacefully to the vals, accepting that their relationship is over with such big smiles... *Sobs*

God. This. SHOW.

And now, good boy Todd.

I kind of relate to him too, and it gives me hope to see him being so independent after everything.

After Bojack ruined his Rock Opera so he wouldn't leave, after he also rescued him from that Improv cult, after all of the good, and ALSO the bad. He leaves.

He goes to make his new life, with his girlfriend, in a new apartment, and now in a good relationship with his mom. It's so wholesome I love Todd sm-

And even after actively pushing back from Bojack, he's still there to support him and cheer him up, even backing off so he doesn't get pulled into that again.

His words in his final scene always stuck with me "It was nice while it lasted right?"

Perfect.

And now,,,, Diane.

Holy cow where do I even start.

I do agree with most fans about how she wasn't "as good" in the first season, and how that changed in season 6, where we see her in a more domestic environment.

Now, I always loved Diane. I emphasized a lot with her struggles of being a writer (those episodes made ma laugh), not appreciating the little things we have, and wanting to do great things but- not- quite reaching it.

I always found interesting how she never let go of Bojack until it was "too late"

They always brought up the worse in each other, two people with the same unhealthy coping mechanisms isn't exactly a good combination.

I teared up when she moved out with Guy and actually learned to trust the feeling of safety, after a whole life of being used to abuse, that was everything that made sense to her. But it didn't have to stay like that. It was hard for her to start taking her antidepressants again but she did and she got better! (Shame Bojack pushed her into breaking point-)

The last scene, of her, of Bojack, of the entire series, I always rewatch "Nice while it lasted" for this scene only.

She confronts him on how he called her before he almost drowned in a pool. She thought he was dead, she thought it was her fault for not saving him. But as Bojack said "It was never her job". But he always made her feel like it was.

Oof... You can't actually fix that, can you?

Diane's "You can be grateful for the people around you, even if they weren't meant to be in your life forever" hit me like a truck. It actually helped me to learn to cut ties, that it was okay to be grateful, to not forgive horrible things, to move on and wish the other person the very best.

And then they sit, staring at the night sky, Catherine Feeny's Mr. Blue starts playing.

And I am bawling my eyes out.

That moment of silence, when there's nothing to say, when you both understand that this is it, and there's nothing else to do than to admire the night.

God. THIS. SHOWWWW,,,,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And lastly, thank you so much for this opportunity Jace, i love you so much <3

This series has helped me a lot (like you have <33) and I'm just so happy to share my nerdiness of this show <3

[rudysrings]

Take it slow...blurb

Summary: Jeff and you have just started dating and you guys have it in for each other in the best way, but maybe the two of you aren’t ready to be attached at the hip yet? And maybe that’s ok?

Word Count: 621

Jeff paused the recording, bending down to capture your lips with his, smiling while his mouth rolled sensually over yours. His hands dropped to your waist, while yours rose to his neck, tousling his perfectly styled hair. 

You angled your head, deepening the kiss, stroking his tongue with your own and he giggled at the slight moan you elicited. 

Before you two could really get lost in it, however, Jeff muttered a hushed, “Fuck,” against your lips and pulled away, groaning reluctantly. 

Confused, you raised an eyebrow at him, while Jeff ran a hand through his hair and sighed, not making eye contact.

You cocked your head. “What is it?”

Jeff shook his head, looking up at you and blushing. “I just-I want this to work so badly, Y/N. I really fucking like you and I just-I just want this to work.”

You smiled at his sweetness and put a hand on his shoulder. “For the record, I really fucking like you too. And who says it won’t work?”

Jeff raised his eyes to the ceiling as if searching for answers. He took your hand into both of his own and played with your fingers, folding and unfolding them over and over. “I want to take this slowly. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to lose myself in this.” He motioned to the space between you two.

You nodded. But you couldn’t help yourself from asking. “I don’t want to push you, and you don’t have to answer this, but...what’s stopping you?”

He was rotating the ruby ring you wore on your middle finger, the simple touch managing to send the butterflies in your stomach into a frenzy. “I’ve a bad habit of throwing myself into things-just, giving my all in a relationship when the other person’s not ready for that, or to the point where I don’t know who I am without it.” He was stroking your wrist with his thumb now, a surprisingly erotic, but also reassuring gesture. “I’m not saying that I don’t want that with you-that I don’t want something that intimate, but codependency-that’s a scary place, Y/N. I don’t want to go there again until I’m sure the other person is right there with me, you know?”

You understood completely. Although you couldn’t understand what it was like for Jeff to have recovered from that time in his life, you understood what it was like to be cautious of something potentially life changing.

“So no marriage proposals yet?” You pouted in an effort to make him smile and you were rewarded with that blinding grin of his, and a swift hug as he pulled you into his embrace. 

“Not just yet, Y/N,” He whispered into your hair.

“Awwww, I’m going to have to return the ring then. Natalie’s going to be so disappointed; she was so hyped to be my maid of honor,” you teased.

Jeff laughed, only shaking his head at your antics. 

When you two pulled apart, he used his hand to squeeze your cheeks and place a silly kiss on your ridiculously puckered lips.

You blushed, and cupped his face with both of your hands. “But seriously, Jeff, we will go slow. As slow as we want. Maybe we’ll realize we aren’t right for each other, but maybe...just maybe we’ll get to a place where we trust each other to the point where we’re not scared anymore, and that’s what I’m hoping for.”

Jeff looked at you, smiling, “You’re too fucking perfect, Y/N. You’re making it so hard to take this slow.”

You just stuck your tongue out childishly, unable to take a compliment. “And you’re HOT!”

A/N: I also put this in the david dobrik x reader tag, because I thought that that audience might enjoy it, too.

[polyhorde]

Snapshots that I’ll never un-live:

*It was another argument, the only reason it stands out is it was the first time I let him throw his tantrum and didn’t try to ‘fix it’. He wrapped my favorite quilt - the one my Mom had made with me and given to me when I went to college - around his shoulders and went to go cry in a corner in a huff. When I didn’t immediately comfort him he pulled on the quilt until I could hear seams popping from across the room. Once he cried himself out he told me I was a terrible person for not comforting him. We’d been fighting about him cheating on me. Again.

*Different house earlier in the relationship, I was still hopeful and still codependent. We were fighting about his alcoholism. He broke the $45 nerf gun I’d given him for Valentine’s the month before over his knee because he ‘needed to release the frustration somehow’.

*I’d come out to my Mom as Poly a few weeks before. I was trying to explain that Poly was ethical and I wasn’t cheating. I got so frustrated that I started tearing up, “See! If you didn’t know this was wrong you wouldn’t be crying.”

*Showing my Dad around the house we’d just bought as a polycule, we hadn’t even brought in any boxes yet. We looked out the windows into the big backyard and I told him all of my plans for my big family, lots of partners, lots of kids, a garden and room to play. He got really quiet and didn’t look away from the window, “do you really think it’s fair to bring children into this?”

*My metamour, pissed that I had refused to break up with our mutual partner because he’d asked me to. We were in public, I’d just promised to drive him home after the play he’d invited me to. He asked me what right I had to tell people what a healthy relationship looked like when I’d never had one. When I said what about my ongoing marriage of 10+years he said it didn’t count because he didn’t think it was Poly (it was, by the way, before our first date). When I said what about my polycule, 6 years living in a big house we’d bought together. Only one of those partners had parted ways and it’s because he was an abusive alcoholic as my meta well knew because he was a confidant and a fellow survivor. He told me that was a prime example of why I’d never be anything but toxic because I’d stayed with an abuser for years and why would he let out mutual partner be exposed to that?

*Same meta, a few months later, he’d cut off contact. I’d come to pick up our shared partner for the once-a-week date she had been able to negotiate. He slammed the door in my face. He and my partner screamed at each other, their son started crying. He grabbed his car keys and said he was going to go check himself in for observation because he didn’t trust himself not to end if while we were on our date, kid or no kid. We talked for over an hour, he told me he never wanted to see or talk to me again. We ended up going on the drive we had had planned, took the kiddo with us and got him calmed down and cheered up. It was actually a good time.

*Four months later my meta told me I was a terrible person and had never really been his friend because “a real friend would have reached out to me and asked how I was doing. You didn’t. You’re selfish and fucking toxic.”

*Sent a message to my best friend of over a decade saying that I hope she was ok and while I knew she was busy settling into her new apartment with her first serious boyfriend I missed her and it had been three months. I made a joke, asking if she’d decided to end our friendship and just forgotten to tell me. I got back an 8 paragraph rant about how I couldn’t take a fucking hint and to forget her number. (Turns out her boyfriend asked to be open after my whole polycule had been at a party I threw. She didn’t tell me, she just cut me off so I wouldn’t be a ‘toxic influence’.)

[ywhiterain]

Sex and Violence

When it comes to the Winchester psychodrama, it doesn’t really get much better than Sex and Violence. Or, worse, if you’re not into the pain, angst, and misery.

DEAN: Well, I don't know when it happened. Maybe when I was in hell. Maybe when I was staring right at you. But the Sam I knew, he's gone. SAM: That so? DEAN: And it's not the demon blood or the psychic crap. It's the little stuff. The lies. The secrets. SAM: Oh, yeah? What secrets? DEAN: The phone calls to Ruby for one. SAM: So I need your say-so to make a phone call? DEAN: That's the point. You're hiding things from me. What else aren't you telling me? SAM: None of your business. DEAN: See what I mean? We used to be in this together. We used to have each other's backs. SAM: OK, fine. You know why I didn't tell you about Ruby, and how we're hunting down Lilith? Because you're too weak to go after her, Dean. You're holding me back. I'm a better hunter than you are. Stronger, smarter. I can take out demons you're too scared to go near.

This has been building for years. Since the pilot, really. But let’s go back to season three. Dean had two main threads in his character: dealing with the fact he was going to die and go to hell and leaving a legacy behind. Sam’s was dealing with the fact he was going to lose his brother to hell and figuring out how he’ll keep fighting without Dean.

Early season Dean might complain about Sam’s morals getting in the way of the black white world he wants to live in, but he relies on it. He gave Sam a shot to talk to Max (even if he brought a gun) and let the non human eating vampires live. A crucial moment in Dean’s development is when he talks about how far he’ll go to protect his family (John and Sam. Mostly Sam). He knows there’s a lot of darkness inside of him. He relies on Sam to be Yin to his Yang.

It’s why he freaks out when Sam’s gets more ruthless and colder in season three. Sure, he wants Sam to agree with him. But he also knows how valuable Sam’s input is. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sam and Dean are an excellent team. Good cop/bad cop, yin/yang, sun/moon. Whatever you want you to call it, they are a pair complement each other.

I don’t talk about it as much, but Sam relies on it too. He begs Dean to keep him in check. He wants Dean to put a gun to his head if he ever becomes something he’s not. Sam is as flawed as Dean and has the same capacity for evil and darkness. 

When faced with the idea of losing Dean, Sam gets darker and colder. He’s less empathetic. He closes off from the people around him. He goal oriented to the point of obsessive self-destruction. And it’s not new. It’s just in season one and two, Dean could pull him out of it with a stupid joke or earnest declaration that he’d keep Sam safe.

Season three fractures their admittedly codependent and boundary blurring relationship. The both flirt with the idea that Sam becomes Dean’s legacy even as, near the end of the season, Dean finally starts fight against his fate. 

Dean wants the impossible. He wants Sam to somehow remain the same after he dies. He wants Sam to keep Baby exactly as she was while Sam fights a coming war without letting it change him on fundamental levels. 

Sam can’t say empathetic and faithful when he’s alone. He can’t hope for the best when he’s living his worst nightmare. Sam changes when Dean goes to hell and Dean struggles with that. Sam struggles with that.

Dean’s controlling with ridiculous expectations of Sam. He doesn’t like Sam getting things from Ruby. I don’t mean that sexually. I mean he’s not happy with Sam’s emotional needs being met by anyone but him. He really doesn’t like that Ruby is taking his place. And she sort of is. Sam said himself: Ruby acted like Dean to get him to stop his suicidal spiral. Maybe Dean’s grateful and he almost gives Ruby credit, but mostly he’s just bitter and angry.

Sam’s not much better. Of course Dean is a hot mess. He was in hell for forty years. He’s been the ear for Dean’s pain and confessions. And he’s never held it against Dean. Well, mostly. Part of the reason Sam keep going to Ruby is because Dean can’t be his rock in the way he used to be.

Sam’s favorite hobby growing up was telling John no. And probably fuck you. And he’ll do the same to Dean. To a point. But there’s a reason Sam’s almost always in the passenger’s seat. When the chips are down, he wants Dean to take charge and be his white knight. 

And then there’s the big elephant in the room. Dean brought Sam back to life. Sam promised he’d return the favor by saving him. He failed.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Dean’s supposed to the the strong protector and Sam’s the object he protects at al cost. Sam doesn’t get to save Dean, he’s the one who is saved. Dean rots in hell and Sam has to fight alone.

But the cost is too high for Dean to pay and he can’t pay forever and the objectification stifles Sam. Sam and Dean are a unit, but they need more.

They’re never going to get it. Not really. It’s destiny, baby.

It’s a sad life for Sam and Dean. But it makes for very compelling television.