#i want her to own me im so in love lol
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VI NSFW ALPHABET 🐇
A = Aftercare
(what they’re like after sex)
Vi likes to lay down next to you while caressing every inch of your body (especially your thighs) LOVES PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR!!!!! Whispers sweet nothings to you while you recomposes yourself.
B = Body part
(their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
I feel like shes not a thigh, ass or tits girl. She’s like all of them at once, literally LOVES anything she can grab, lick or squeeze. On her, she’s very proud of her muscular arms and she’s cocky about it because she knows you love it too. On you, like i said, anything she can grab! Is always squishing your hips, waist, ass, tits, neck and thighs.
C = Cum
(anything to do with cum, basically)
Vi really enjoys when things get a bit messy, you can proudly cum in her face, nose, mouth. this girl is not disgusted AT ALL, loves tasting your cum (loves when you taste hers too) Goes feral when you cum on her thighs.
D = Dirty secret
(pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
REALLY possessive, even though she doesn’t like to show it. Secretly is obsessed with the idea of marking you as hers. Is into taking pics of you, not even while doing sex, just to look at them when she feels horny.
E = Experience
(how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
Although she has had some past experiences, Vi prefers having meaningful sex. So she’s still learning what she likes and is always open to try some new things. Is actually funny how GOOD she’s at sex, like a freaking sex machine.
F = Favorite position
(this goes without saying)
Any position that she gets to see your face while pleasuring you. I think Vi loves seeing you bouncing up and down on her strap, so therefore cowgirl. Is a doggy style fan too, but will occasionally pull you by the hair so she gets to see your face. She can’t help it, she loves your cute fucked out expression so much.
G = Goofy
(are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
She can change her humor really easily, like, hello anger issues. BUT we all know she’s a big goofball baby, although she can be really serious and dominant during sex. Still always find a way to be goofy with you afterwards.
H = Hair
(how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
To be honest, Vi doesn’t care much about body hair. Sure she’s still conscious about her hygiene tho! Doesn’t really groom herself apart from occasionally trimming. Yeppi, and the carpet does match the drapes.
I = Intimacy
(how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
VERY ATTENTIVE, pays attention to every body language of yours, like i said, Vi is more of a ‘meaningful sex’ person. Always makes sure you are enjoying it!
J = Jack off
(masturbation headcanon)
Would jack off if she’s like SUPER ABNORMALLY horny, and if you are hard to reach at the moment. Overall, likes to experience pleasure with you and only you.
K = Kink
(one or more of their kinks)
Okay, let’s start slow and steady. I think we all know she have a size kink, not even about height tho, like i said she’s SUPER cocky about her muscular body structure. Strength kink too, loves showing off on how easily she can FEMhandle you. Likes dirty talk, giving and receiving. BREEDING KINK, mentally curses because is physically impossible a women getting another women pregnant, but goes feral at the slightest thought of cumming inside you.
L = Location
(favorite places to do the do)
It doesn’t bothers her the idea of doing it in a public place, but Vi actually likes comfy places better.
M = Motivation
(what turns them on, gets them going)
SUCH A PERV VIOLET IS SUCH A PERVERT AND I MEAN IT. Gets turned on with anything you do, even non sexual stuff like licking a popsicle and stuff like that. GOES CRAZY seeing you (if you are a femme) in short skirts and skimpy dresses. Even your soft voice get her going.
N = No
(something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
I don’t feel like she’s into EXTREME dacryphilia. Overall she’s still discovering what she likes and what she don’t but she sure as hell would hate to see her girl crying in pain
O = Oral
(preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
Both, giving and receiving, she enjoys both. But shes a giver and we all know it, pussydrunk 24/7. Goes crazy with your taste, and absolutely love seeing your facial expressions while she eats you out. AND THIS GIRL KNOWS HOW TO GIVE A HEAD
P = Pace
(are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
Violet is a sick beast, so rough! some times she doesn’t even acknowledge that, but obviously cares about her partner and never pass the boundaries. Slow? No. Sensual? Yep
Q = Quickie
(their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
A perv, is horny all the time. Will take any opportunity to get a hand inside your underwear.
R = Risk
(are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
Yep, she is game to experiment. But is not the one that asks to try new things, is super shy about it actually. It takes a sweet time for her to open up about her kinks with you. But y’all are ride or die always trying new fun things!
S = Stamina
(how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
AGAIN, Vi is a beast when it comes to sex, can last for hours and hours. She can deal with hunger, insomnia and all this stuff but definitely can’t live without your pussy
T = Toys
(do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
She owns a strap-on, a pink one with glitter because I said so and i’m her girlfriend so I know best.
U = Unfair
(how much they like to tease)
A TEASE, but not the kind that overstimulate you, just tease you about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. “Poor baby, you are so short you can’t even reach my shoulders”
V = Volume
(how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
Although she tries to keep it down. (because she’s ashamed) this woman WHIMPERS like a freaking lost puppy. Occasionally groans when shes feeling crazy and delusional.
W = Wild card
(a random headcanon for the character)
She likes to present herself as dominant, strong, stubborn as we all know. But she loves LOVES with all her heart and soul when you babie her, she’s a baby. A cutie patootie that loves cuddles and head pats. She’s a softie, she might take a little time to open up, but when she does she’s the softest munchkin EVER. Vi loves any type of physical marks, its her sign of love.
X = X-ray
(let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
SHE HAS A PRONOUNCED V-LINE. Her shoulders are broad, and her muscular toned body is crazy.
Y = Yearning
(how high is their sex drive?)
You’re always on her mind. Her mind is pretty dirty. But sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, Vi’s priority is someone that care for here even in her craziest moments. Crazy ass sex is just the fun part!
Z = Zzz
(how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
Even though she won’t admit it, she falls asleep easily in your arms. After a bit of soft pillow talk, she’ll fall asleep instantly, still holding onto you or laying down against your chest or tummy
#vi arcane#smut headcanons#vi smut#arcane smut#drabble#violet arcane#elsbunny#lesbian smut#vi x reader#i want her to own me im so in love lol#vi lol#league of lesbians#league of legends
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aromantic mike chilton for @aggressivelyarospec week!!!! :D
accompanying story under the cut!
It didn't work out with Julie.
They had broken up and decided it would be best to stay friends. After all, with Mike... nothing really changed at all. Like... nothing.
And that was kinda the problem.
Julie didn't think herself to be too judgmental of a person, not after everything everyone's been through. She and the Burners worked hard, played hard, and succeeded together (oftentimes against all odds).
They slept in cuddle piles after dinner some nights whenever Julie could slip away for more than a day without arousing her dad's suspicions. They passed bongs around for a lung-hacking hit or two, went skinny-dipping in the lake at night, patched up each other's bloody wounds countless times.
And then somewhere down the line, Julie fell in love with Mike.
She had no idea when exactly, since she doesn't really do feelings like that, can't afford to with a life like hers. But it happened... somehow.
Julie couldn't quite place exactly what it was that initially drew her to him, especially at first. Sure, the guy was friendly, decisive, assertive without being too overbearing, and unbearably charming. But.
It was the charm that caught poor Julie totally off-guard, really. She'd often hear her father ranting and raving about his golden-prodigal-son-turned-traitor, and his ID photo in his file wasn't really much to look at, either. Julie would never admit it out loud, but she had snuck down to Motorcity for the first time ever with low expectations.
Later, she came back up to her pod in Deluxe with stars in her eyes.
But she wasn't in love with him then, no. She knew this because she was pretty sure her constant Mike Thoughts did not manifest until after the kids all went to Antonio's together for the first time.
It was summertime, around nine months after the group was (un)officially formed. The heat had Mike shirking his jacket and leaving it in Mutt, and his old t-shirt was getting a tad bit tight after all the exercise he was getting around the hideout, especially after Texas moved his workout gear in and Mike took him up on his offer for semi-regular sparring sessions.
And boy, did that Mike fella fill out. Mhmm.
Even Julie-- a girl who was mostly blind to typical male affections directed at her in school-- had to admit to herself that when Mike put on a little more weight in the right places, when his biceps bulged a bit as he flexed an arm and his shoulders got a bit wider... it took a lot more effort to wrench her studious gaze away.
Geez Louise.
Before long, she was doodling their initials and combining both of their names in her little sketchpad. Gag. Gross.
But Mike never seemed to pay attention to her the same way in return. She didn't catch him looking away from her at inopportune times, and he'd never lay a single hand on her aside from a typical friendly pat on the shoulder, or a comfortable lean on an arm while the Burners all lounged around during movie nights. Hell, he seemed more affectionate with his best friend Chuck than he was with her most times.
So she kept her thoughts to herself. Easy peasy. She kept secrets from her dad, from her friends, and now from Mike. Like everything else, she created a neat, separate file in her head and tucked that little secret away. She managed to conceal it for long enough.
Until it became too big to ignore.
And then it happened.
And it really just... happened. Julie hardly registered herself even doing it.
It happened like this: Mike had rescued Julie from certain death at the lake after she crashed an out-of-control 9 Lives out through the barricades and into the water, and they were panting and coughing up water on the sand after Mike succeeded in dragging her out. Dutch and Texas were busy racing around and distracting the Kanebots, luring them all away from the pair.
Julie didn't say anything. Neither of them did. Julie just... surged forward when she blinked the water out of her eyes and saw him, his angelic face hovering mere inches away from hers. She remembered the dewey drops on his long lashes and the warmth of his lips more than anything else.
And then she's pretty sure she blacked out afterwards because the next thing she remembers, she's waking up on the couch wrapped in blankets and towels, wearing Chuck's hoodie.
She doesn't ask anyone why Chuck opted to be the guy to lend his clothes to her.
(It wasn't Chuck who lent it to her though.)
After Jacob makes sure she has a steaming mug of soup in her hands and is generally fussed over enough, he bids her a goodnight and leaves a big holoscreen playing old-timey anime shows for her.
Shortly afterwards, Mike slips into the room on feet far too quiet for a rowdy teenage boy like him. Julie almost misses his entry and startles when she notices him casually leaning on a wall over to her right, almost blending in against the garish grafitti and street signs.
They sat down and spoke quietly, privately.
Julie appreciated that Mike had enough tact and forethought not to confront her in front of all of the guys. Thank god. Julie wouldn't even know how to handle the endless teasing that would inevitably assault her from all angles if they ever even suspected that she had a crush on Mike.
And how embarrassing, really! The only girl on the team falling for the charming and roguish leader of a group of rebels. Double gag.
It was by some miracle that no one ever suspected Julie's true feelings, and that the actual love interest found out before anyone else did. Lucky her!
And incredibly, Mike shared her feelings too! Who would've thought it! Definitely not Julie, that's for sure.
Mike hadn't even seemed to glance her way at all in all the time they had known each other. He always maintained the same level of friendliness with her as he did with the other guys. But he confessed then that he knew Julie was special, and that their bond that grew in the time they had known each other was special, too.
Wow. Look at them, both hiding their feelings so well! It's like they were meant to be.
So they agreed to go steady.
Eventually, they told the rest of the Burners. Well, it really was just that it was kinda hard for them to ignore when Julie would sneak her index finger over to Mike's hand and hook it onto his pinkie as they walked back to their cars after a quick errand run for the Skylarks or an easy mission.
So they decided to make the announcement at Antonio's, which Julie thought was perfectly poetic. It was where she first fell in love with Mike, and now here they were a year and a half later, making it official.
They didn't expect the other guys' reactions, though. The Burners received the news... lukewarmly.
"You guys were in love?" Texas spewed bits of pizza all over the table as he chewed with his mouth open. Ugh. Typical Texas.
"Oh! Wow... uhm. Congrats, guys." Chuck seemed to hide behind his hair even more as his shoulders hiked up in a nonchalant shrug.
Dutch rubbed his chin. "...Yeah. Uh, yeah...? Cool. Congrats, you two."
And then silence fell over the table.
"Is... is there a problem with this, or?" Julie dared to press.
Everyone silently exchanged glances.
Mike-- bless his heart-- misread the situation and clasped his hands together on the table.
"Guys, look," he started, "this isn't gonna change anything about the team. We're still gonna be friends, I’m not prioritizing Julie over anyone else on missions. It's just... we're gonna... we're gonna be the Burners, except I’m dating Jules now! That's all!"
Mike smiled warmly at all his friends. Chuck chewed on his lip.
Dutch bobbed his head thoughtfully. Then, after a while, he said "nah, yeah. We figured. I mean, you're a pretty great guy so it's not like we thought you were gonna up and abandon us or anything. It's just that... uh. So when did this uhhh, yanno, this whole thing start?"
Julie blinked.
Mike cocked his head. "Start?" He asked.
"Y'know, like when did y'all start liking each other? Because uh, no offense, but this is kinda comin' out of the blue for us. Literally nobody thought this was gonna be a thing. Tell us some stories!"
Mike blew out a breath and leaned back in the booth. Julie smiled.
"Weeeellll," Julie squinted with excitement and then let the cat out of the bag.
She told them all about it, how in this very same booth she watched as Mike's t-shirt stretched over his muscles all those months ago and how his smile seemed to shine brighter than the diner's neon signs. Then about how she leaned against Mike's broad chest after agonizing for hours over not being able to free him from her father's maximum-security prison that one time. About all the dreams she'd have of them together, the intimate late-night talks they'd have while having a couple of drinks on the rooftop of some abandoned building. How she loved his bright eyes and strong hands...
When she finished, she had a dreamy kind of look all over her face. Mike had a brow quirked, but he smiled back at her all the same.
Everyone exchanged glances again.
"So Mike. Was it like that for you?" Chuck asked eventually. It had a strange sort of lilt to it, like he was in on an inside joke that Julie wasn't.
She bristled a bit.
"Oh! Uh." Mike glanced around quickly. "Not... really? But Julie's super pretty, so when she confessed to me, I was pretty stoked."
Mike grinned like a goofball. Julie grinned like a goofball. The rest of the Burners looked skeptical.
"Hm. Cool! Well, great." Chuck turned back to his loaded pizza slice.
And just like that, things mostly went back to normal.
And, uh... Mike was right, this... really wasn't changing anything between them and the Burners. Like at all.
A small part of Julie was kind of hurt by it, but she tried to wave the feeling away. It was nonsense, and she should be happy. Mike loved her! He just wasn't a romantic type, that's all. He loved his friends, loved being a Burner... it was fine.
Right?
It was normal for her to have to remind Mike every now and then to go out on a date with her. He's a busy guy, and this was his first relationship. Julie just had to be patient.
Patient... patient. Yeah. She could be patient.
It was when Chuck joined them for their sixth "movie date" in a row that the patience was starting to run a bit thin, though.
Chuck and Mike settled side-by-side on the communal couch, swapping snacks as easily as breathing and nursing a popcorn bowl between them. Mike hooked an arm over Julie's shoulder though, so Julie said nothing.
It was a couple of months later when Mike makes a quiet confession to her as they laid together in his pristine bed one night.
"I don't really like kissing all that much," he mumbles, face half-buried into his pillows. "But I like holding you. Is that okay?"
Julie's heart sinks into the covers. But she nods anyways. "Yeah. That's okay."
"Really? Do ya mean it? It's not weird or anything, right? We can still be together but not kiss. Maybe I can give you forehead kisses instead?"
Julie sighed softly. "Mmnyeah, that's fine."
"It's not you, it's me, Jules. I just--"
"Mike. Trust me, I get it. It's okay, seriously."
Mike gave her a grateful smile back.
Damnit. Well.
Anyways, life continued on. Julie resigned herself to accepting the fact that her boyfriend was just simply a guy's guy.
Julie liked cars but Mike was all over Mutt. Loved the damn thing more than he loved her, honestly. She loved being a Burner, but it seemed like it was Mike's purpose, like he was more devoted to the city under the dome than he was to his girlfriend. And above all, Mike loved the Burners. All of them. He spent a bit more time with Chuck than he did with anyone else in the team, but he was always there for everyone just as passionately.
Which was. Fine.
Freeing Motorcity from her father's reign of terror was indeed way more important than holding hands with a cute boy!
Duh, of course, stupid Julie.
Whatever.
When they inevitably broke up, it blindsided Mike. He thought they were the best of buds! The bestest of buds-- aside from him and Chuck, of course! But while he loved Chuck fiercely, his love for Julie was... different. Fierce but different. He could never describe it in words but he knew what he was feeling was real.
He loved Julie! So when she suddenly broke up with him, it was like getting hit with a sack of flour out of nowhere.
They were leaned up against Mutt's hood on a cliff overlooking Lake Erie when Julie finally broke the news. They were casually smoking a cigarette, passing it back and forth. Mike's idea of a "date." Anyways.
"I can't really keep doing this, Mike." Julie sighed out a cloud of smoke. She said it so matter-of-factly, as casually as if she were simply commenting on the weather.
Mike whipped round to look at her. "Keep doing what?"
"This," Julie threw her hands up and tucked them into her vest pockets after handing Mike the cigarette back. "This... 'relationship'. It's not working out."
"What... whaddya mean? We just started dating, it's kinda too early to tell--"
"No, Mike." Julie interrupted loudly. Her eyes were avoiding Mike's face carefully. "No... it's not. We've been together for months and we have never moved on from our friendship. You... just admit it, dude. You're just not into me."
Mike pushed himself off of Mutt and placed his hands on both of her shoulders, forcing them to stand face-to-face. "Julie, look at me." He had his jaw set.
Julie swallowed as she peered up at him from her bangs.
"I love you more than you can ever know. I know I’m messing up, but... but I’m trying, okay? Just give us one more chance, Jules. I can make it right, I know it!"
Julie took a step back, wrinkling her nose. "Mike! Just give it up, okay? I know you don't feel the same about me as I do about you," she pleaded, mortified. "It's okay! It's fine! We can just move on and let it go!"
"B-but it's not! No, Julie c'mon, bro--"
"Bro?!" Julie exploded, hands in the air now. "Are you hearing yourself right now? Am I your girlfriend, or your bro?"
Mike gaped at her like a fish, mouth opening just to close again. Then, he hunched his shoulders and shoved his hands in his pockets.
He kicked a couple of rocks off the cliff, watching the pebbles scatter and plummet dozens of feet below.
Then he ran his hands through his hair, a nervous habit of his, before returning back to Julie.
He exhaled loudly. "What... what's the difference? You... isn't that what dating is all about? Being best friends with your partner?"
Julie glared at him. "Yes! And it's also about being more than that, too!"
Mike scoffed. "More than friends? What does that even mean? Nothing is more important than friendship, Jules. Not in Motorcity."
"Nothing is more important than friendship?! Mike--" Here, Julie took a step back to pinch her nose and exhale. "Look. When I confessed my feelings to you for the first time, what were you feeling?"
"What was I feeling? Uh, I dunno, happiness I guess? What, did you want me to say that I didn't care? I care about your feelings, Julie! I do!"
"So you started dating me because you didn't want to hurt my feelings?!" Julie shouted.
"Where are you getting that from?!" Mike shouted back.
"Mike! You are just not into me! I can just tell! It's okay! W-we can just be friends, like how we used to be. I don't even know why you're fighting me so hard on this, I'm the one breaking up with you. You can't change my mind!"
"Right," Mike huffed, "because you don't love me anymore. No, I get it. It's fine."
They glared at each other for a beat.
Then, Julie shoved her hands back into her vest pockets. "No, Mike. I do love you. I just think..." she sighed, all the wind in her sails blowing away, "I just think it's best for us to go our own separate ways."
Mike startled. "Wait, what? Jules... are you...? You're not leaving the Burners, are you?"
"No, I'm not leaving the Burners." Julie says through clenched teeth. "I'm just gonna take a quick break and then when I come back? We're gonna be just friends again, Mike. Alright?"
Mike inhales deeply, his own anger trickling out of him like water as well. "... Fine. Fine, yeah. Whatever you want, Julie." He hangs his head.
They then stare off into the horizon together, watching the twinkling star-like pinpoints of light on the underside of the dome. Watching as the lake's waters undulate and shimmer in the darkness of the cool evening, a gigantic dark mirror reflecting the pinpoints back to the ceiling.
Mike idly scuffs his boot on the ground again, putting out their shared cigarette. In a sad sort of way, the dying ember of the smoldering stick being stomped out into rocks and gravel was a lot like their relationship: dead and done. And of course it had to be Mike to put them both out, huh. Right.
Real poetic.
Julie turns around wordlessly, climbs into Mutt and sits in Chuck's seat.
Time to go.
After a few seconds Mike nods once, fixes his collar and slides into his own seat.
The ride back up to Deluxe is quiet.
Except this time, it had been a long while since they had the time to relax like this. These days, Kane's attacks were getting more and more savage, brutal... and cunning.
It was a couple years later when the kids were a bit older --but not that much older at the same time-- that they all filed past the doors of Antonio's and slid right into their usual booth.
Kane's latest attempt at a hostile takeover of Motorcity involved way too many sneaky double-crossing spies all trying to break the Burners up and weaken the city's best defense. Sneaky bastard, that Abraham Kane.
But they thwarted him yet again, despite it all. They beat the bad guys, restored peace back amongst the gangs and the civilians, and saved the day.
It had taken weeks this time, but they succeeded.
So now to celebrate, they're placing their orders for the greasiest, most heart-clogging fast food on the menu and sitting back to happily sip at their drinks. They're finally enjoying their time together again, and Mike is especially pleased that everyone made it out alive.
Sitting elbow-to-elbow with his bestest friends in the world, Mike takes advantage of a lull in the conversation to clap his hands together and get everyone's attention.
"Okay, guys!" He announces. "So, I'm pretty sure we're all kinda fried after... y'know, everything. Everyone's probably too tired to care about what I'm going to say next! So... confession time."
"Hmhmm! Spill, then," Chuck smirks, his chin in his cyborg hand. It was a recent upgrade to his prosthetic, and it shone a beautiful silvery-blue under the diner lights.
Mike chuckles nervously. "Uh, I... I think that... I figured out that I can't fall in love!"
Everyone stares at him.
Chuck casually slurps his milkshake through a straw.
Dutch turns to him then. "Wait. You knew?"
Chuck sits up. "Uhh hahaha, whoa. Where'd that come from? You psychic or somethin'?" He deflects awkwardly.
"You're clearly not surprised," Dutch points out.
"Pfft yeah I'm not surprised. Who's been Mike's best friend since, like, kindergarten again?"
"Ah. And ya didn't think to let me know anything back when we were dating? Sure would've saved us a lot of time," Julie quipped drily.
Chuck holds his mismatched hands up. "Now hold on a minute! I didn't know back then, obviously. Besides, you two dated years ago for like... three seconds!"
"Two years ago, smartass," Julie snips back.
Mike clears his throat conspicuously. "Guys! Guys, no need to fight over me," he jokes awkwardly, "because I, uhm, I've decided I don't belong to anybody! I'm just me, and I'm not dating anyone. Like, ever."
Everyone turns back to him again.
With four pairs of eyes on him, Mike draws in on himself a bit as he continues. "Yeah, it's. It's something that I've been kinda discovering about myself and I'm still... exploring it. But I'm pretty sure I've never had a crush in my life. I was just walking through life distracted by everything else for so long that I never noticed it, but... yeah. I've just. I've just never felt love for anyone else before, I guess."
"Which is fine," Chuck blurts out suddenly. "It's... it's fine! That Mike's never fallen in love with anyone. It happens. Some people just don't experience a common thing most people do... like romance, or sex. Yeah! Totally normal!"
Dutch smirks at Chuck. "You too, then? You a non-romantic as well?"
Chuck shakes his head so hard his bangs swing. "No! Nuh uh, I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm definitely a romantic!"
"Why so nervous all of a sudden, then?"
"Because," Chuck replies, "because... it's fine! To not ever fall in love or like... date, or kiss or have sex or whatever. We're in Motorcity now, and we can get to do whatever we want. And if we don't wanna date, then we don't have to!" Then he clamps his mouth shut.
Mike perks up then. "That's right! And ah, yeah! Speaking of, Chuckles... lemme tell ya, I really gotta hand it to ya. If it weren't for you, I'd've never figured this one out. So, thanks, buddy! As always, you really had my back on this one."
Chuck and Mike smile at each other and Texas raises a brow.
"Huh?" Texas says. "What's that s'posed to mean?"
Chuck titters nervously as Mike pulls up a screen and opens up a forum.
"It means that Chuckles here helped me find a site that explained everything I was experiencing! Or... not experiencing, really."
Chuck clears his throat, clearly relieved. "Uh, yeah! Well, after Mike's like, 10th girlfriend that one time he couldn't stop bringing people back home, he came to me all frustrated and stuff and... well, we went off to find my friends in the LARPing arena to see if anyone had any idea why he was burning through dates like Mutt burns through tires. And so someone suggested he might be aromantic, and uh... well, the rest is history!"
Dutch and Julie hummed in acknowledgement.
Everyone knew what that was like, how weird it was that Golden Child Mike all of sudden started bringing people home from parties and bars shortly after his breakup with Julie. Sometimes he even had two people on his arms, some men, some women. Never the same person after two or three times, though.
They were all perplexed when they first heard laughing and chattering behind Mike's bedroom door. Once the moaning started, though... well! Everyone poked fun at him the mornings after and teased him to varying degrees, but things were mostly chill in the beginning.
Everyone remembered Mike's frustrations after a while, though. How he could never quite land a steady relationship-- no matter how hard he tried, with whoever. It got to the point where the Burners stopped their teasing and became quite concerned after Mike introduced his 5th girlfriend in the span of like... 6 months, once upon a time.
It was shortly after his final breakup that Mike flopped down onto his best friend's messy bed one evening and finally had The Conversation.
It went well, all things considered. Chuck, patient as ever, listened to his friend and then when he couldn't offer any solid advice, he offered a distraction. The LARPing arena proved to be much better help than they could ever hope for.
Ever since then, Mike's been up late into the night often, completely engrossed in all things aromantic. He wanted to learn more about it, yearned for a community that knew exactly what he was feeling; so he stayed awake just swiping through sites and PDFs on his holoscreens, eating every bit of information up.
Now, it looked like Mike was at peace with himself and his station in life after all this time. That was a relief!
"Aromantic! That's it! Look at this, guys." Here, Mike grins and pulls up a photo of a striped flag. "This is the community flag. Look familiar?"
The colors of the flag had two shades of green at the top that then cascaded into white, then grey and then black.
Texas leaned forward. "It looks like Mutt!" He practically shouts.
Everyone laughs.
"Yeah, that sure is a you flag if I've ever seen one," Julie quips.
"Right? Like it was meant to be! So I guess I'm part of this community, then. I mean, this really is a kickass flag..."
"But what does that mean, though? That you can never fall in love with anyone, ever?" Julie asks.
Mike closes his screens and clasps his hands on the table, exhaling a bit. "Uhh, well? Well, yeah! I can't ever fall in love... but it doesn't feel that way to me! Ugh, I'm probably gonna do such a bad job explaining this," he laughs self-consciously.
"It's okay, dude. Take your time," Dutch smiles warmly.
Mike shoots him a grateful smile back. "... It... it's like. Well? It's like... I've never felt butterflies in my stomach before, so I have no idea what that's like. But I like you guys, a lot. Like a lot, a lot. I love hanging out with you all even though I don't think about any of you guys like that. I love making friends-- like true friends-- and I can't stop thinking about how happy hanging out with people makes me. I guess I'm just way more platonic than romantic, because I am just... so bad at love! God, I've never had so much trouble with anything in my life before like I have with romance," he groans, grimacing.
"And when Mike Fucking Chilton says that, that's how you know he's struggling!" Dutch puts in.
Everyone giggles.
"Wow," Julie gives Mike a side-long glance. "Finally. Something that The Great Mike Chilton is bad at! We've finally got him, boys."
Texas leaps out of his seat and enthusiastically karate-chops the air. "Hoo-WAH!!! Finally! Something I got over on ya, Mike. Texas is better at romancing than you!"
Julie rolls her eyes.
Mike guffaws. "Psshhwhat? C'mon guys, I'm bad at plenty of stuff. This isn't the first!"
"Oh yeah? Name one thing!" Dutch challenges.
"Uhhm well uh, I...? I'm pretty bad at... hm." Mike drums his fingers on the table. "I'm bad at coding! I'm not nearly as good as Chuck at the software and tech side of things!"
"But ya could be! You could totally learn how to, if you'd just sit down with me for more than 20 minutes," Chuck points out.
Mike stubbornly folds his arms across his chest. "Well, I don't wanna! What're you gonna do about it?"
And just like that, the kids all return back to normalcy, bickering and quibbling about nothing as they finally receive their food from the waitress. Soon after, Chuck and Texas are throwing pizza toppings and wadded up paper at each other and Mike is mom-ing at them to quit it before they all get kicked out.
It was as if nothing even happened.
It was simultaneously comforting and also thrilling how easily Mike was accepted back into the fold; the Burners' Heartless Leader who could never fall in love.
On the inside, Mike was deeply grateful and his heart felt full upon learning this, though. It was a nourishing feeling that his bestest friends in the whole world who worked hard, played hard, lived fast and free alongside him... they loved him and accepted him back, no matter what. It was a much nicer and fuzzier feeling than any romance-filled relationship or hookup ever gave him.
Now, the Burners are finally leaving the diner, all tipsy and giddy from their impromptu late-night happy hour session.
Mike has a casual arm slung over Chuck's shoulder as they traipse on over to Mutt. Everyone casually daps each other up and offers quick goodbyes before climbing into their respective cars.
Mike slides behind the wheel and exhales. Chuck clicks himself into his secure harness.
"Well! That went pretty well! A little too easily, honestly but," Mike breathes.
Chuck's blonde head bobs. "Well yeah, dude. Of course. What'd ya think, that'd we kick you out of the team for that?"
Mike shrugs and turns his skeleton key into Mutt's ignition, bringing her to roar awake again. "I mean... no. But, y'know. It's weird, having a leader of a gang that can't ever fall in love, right? Like some heartless freak or somethin'. I dunno," he chuckled wryly.
Chuck frowns. "Mike. You're not a freak," he says firmly.
Mike gives his best friend a sidelong glance. "Chuck..." he speaks, voice low, "it's not like that! You know what I mean... it's just that sometimes people who are different don't get treated so well all the time, yanno?"
"Yeah, sure, back up in Deluxe," Chuck argues. "But it's different down here in Motorcity. It's good here for people like us!"
Mike hums thoughtfully as he drums his fingers on the wheel. "Yeah, you're right..." then, he smirks at Chuck. "So if that's true, then why didn't you come out, back there? I actually thought you were gonna do it. It even looked like Dutch suspected something, too!"
Mike smiles at his friend, who is doing his best impression of a carseat cover now.
"Mmnyeah... yeah, I could've." Chuck gives a noncommittal shrug, hesitating.
"What's wrong?"
After a few seconds, Chuck swipes at his bangs self-consciously and clears his throat. "Uhmm well... being aromantic and never falling in love is kinda... badass, don'tcha think? But for a guy like me, never wanting to have sex and being a dope for romance is just pathetic," he laments. "If people hear that I'm asexual and that I never want to bang anyone, I'd get laughed out of the room! It's not an asexual thing, Mikey, it's a me thing."
Mike throws Mutt into reverse and backs her out of their parking spot with practiced ease.
"Chuckles. My guy. Look, who cares what other people think? If you don't wanna bone, you're just not gonna. That doesn't hurt anyone at all, so screw anyone who says anything about it. If anyone gives you a hard time, call me up and I'll spin the block for you,"
Chuck bursts into a peal of nervous giggles. "Whoa, whoa Mikey, geez! Christ, thanks, man but that's really not necessary. I appreciate you, though,"
They smile at each other again.
Then after a beat, Mike adds, "plus, if they know about aromanticism, they're gonna eventually find out about asexuality, too, dude."
Chuck laughs weakly as he clutches his arms. "O-oh...! Yeah... yeah that's tr--"
Mike suddenly slams his boot down on the gas pedal and Mutt growls as she lurches into hundred-mile-speeds from a standstill. Her tires screech loudly on the pavement and she leaves a giant plume of smoke and dirt behind as everyone careens over a drop straight onto the Deluxian Supply Pipes.
"Miiikkee-eeyyyy!!! We just ate!" Chuck screeches, horrified. He clings onto the car seat with both hands as Mike laughs.
Chuck's screams and Mike's loud, joyous shouting and whooping can be heard far and wide throughout Motorcity as they race all the way back home.
#mine#aggressivelyarospecweek#motorcity#mike chilton#aromantic#aro#hope ppl enjoy my arospec week offerings!#i had fun writing the burners again after so much time. my kiddos 🥺#i luv them <3#julie heals just fine after their breakup btw she's with her own childhood friend claire lezzing it up so everyone wins in the end 🫶#dont worry abt it LOL#if it sounds a bit allo-centric its bc it is. i tried to replicate the Motorcity Writers Voice when i wrote this down#i was like “hmm. how WOULD a non-arospec person write this topic for a kids show abt racing cars? 🤔”#“i think i know! :)”#so @ other motorcitizens pls let me know if i did Good or Bad#in that way it was a p fun writing excercise. also. i love julie so i wanted readers to feel bad for the poor lil meow meow#we are Julie Stans in this home. i didnt stick her into a failing teen relationship bc i hate her 🤧#she just had to be the First Target bc the show tries to set mike and julie up subtly in canon and my aro brain went “goddamn it.”#so#uh yeah#anyways im rambling#hope u enjoyed byyyyyyyeeeee :3
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the preview made me want to draw moonpaw!! and her twin of course. :3
also wanted to explore both the individual designs esp since the twin gets her own
#my art#art#digital art#artists on tumblr#warrior cats#warriors#moonpaw#wc changing skies#changing skies#warriors cs#moonpaw cs#moonpaw warriors#moonpaw warrior cats#shouldve drawn her more lanky teen but this is design practice and doodling /lh#yes this is my nightsun moon design#ik nightsun wouldnt pressure her/expect her to be a med cat but ....#im sure it could easily be rewritten to other family members or even the clan as a whole#buuuut anyways#i used glow as a placeholder only bc i am not calling her paw /lh so i just chose a suffix and went for it until she gets her own name or#if they both want the same name i'll figure it out From There#also i figured wrt nightsun children it fits#shine golden glow moon#also yes i forgot to make the ear tufts crescents. but its fine#also i would like to clarify: TO ME it looks like more of a haunting sitch so thats how i portrayed it#like how ghosts attach to people . or like how ashfur managed to reach out to shadowsight#ofc i dont think glow is in the df like ashfur was LMFAO but hopefully yall know what im getting at 😭#words are not my forte this is why im not a youtuber 🙏#also i think moons sibling would age with her. although i love the jokes ab a baby following her around 10/10#ALSO I DONT THINK THE TWIN IS LIKE EVIL!!!!!! ik the blurb said sinister but even still like. i hope yall know im not demonizing a baby LOL#i am also not demonizing ppl who r chimeras/absorbed their twin/etc; and yes i am cautious bc erins. ily all. any probz just shoot an ask
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🌸🌈 HBD Goro Akechi 🌈🌸
happy birthday and happy pride month to my most special of boys🥰🥰💗💞🌸
he's my angel and I know he's getting the mental health care he needs🥺💞 (or maybe he's worse lol idk 🤷♀️) as long as he's with akira, that's all that matters😌💗🌈🌸
textless version under the cut:
behold! an angel!!
#goro akechi#persona 5#shuake#implied#he is looking at akira#the insp for this is older akechi going to therapy and becoming a more stable person with a support network#most of that is akira ofc lol#but sojiro and the others love and support his recovery in their own way#(idk if i would say haru likes him but she does want him to atone and get better)#(and she supports whatever makes her leader happy)#(and that just so happens to be goro♡)#i just want my boys to be happy#or destroy each other in insane ways#as long as theyre together#im glad i was able to bust something out for goro's bday#ive been really sick lately#and getting any work done has be near impossible;;;#so thank you everyone for your support!!#it means the world to me#♡♡♡♡♡♡♡#shitty#(< that's my art tag)
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some old @chrysanthemumgames hermes-seph sketches!!! some of it is established-relationship daydreaming but also a peek at my dark and twisted mind (sprawling intricate spidey au)
#colored that top left one for my sidebar. lol.#a/tsv release made me so sick about spider-man you had to be there. im still on my bullshit but its a little more maintained#mostly bc a/tsv actually came out and i was attacked by every terrible take ever. some of u should not consume media#i know its rich coming from the IF player who enjoys romance but not everything is about romance or self insertion or ocs#miguel tag was UNUSABLE. IM TRYING TO BLOG ABOUT HIS HYPOCRISY AND SEE FANART. NOT SEE FANFICTION!!!!!!#also coming out as the biggest raimispidey2 mj speech enjoyer. im sorry. raimi trilogy is a bit messy to me BUT#if u take the mj speech at the end of 2 then it is. SO SO SO CUTE TO ME. (ignore the context its in pls)#also how her first comic appearance was IN HIS DOORWAY TOO!!!!#of course it was quite easy to project that onto sephmes from my brain so. here we are#talking mostly about raimipetermj rn. but hermes is simply not a Nerd like maguire's pete. so some insp from 616#but comics p/etermj is its own can of worms. i am taking bits and pieces of spideymedia i like and making my own sandcastle ok#sorry for spidey meta in the foa post i will shut up nyeow#fields of asphodel#foa#hermes#seph#and also i think hermes would make a crazy mj (the association with red and how intensely similar they are with how they present themselves#but the fact is . i really really love drop dead gorgeous seph who is wanted by everyone. its true. im one of them#<- i say this like the s in seph doesn't stand for s/pider-man. i have plenty of spideyseph doodles in the archive
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Can we talk about mitsuham I think we should talk about mitsuham yes I’d like that very much
Imagine Mitsuru her life has been planned out for her by a bunch of men her choices are not hers to make every move is political she is nothing but a tool forced to fight as a child never allowed to burden anyone with her feelings. Her life isn’t hers, it’s never been hers for a second, she exists to further the careers of the men around her. The first two friends she makes are both boys and she was in charge of leading them, using them just to further the Kirijo agenda. Genuine friendship did blossom between them, but things fell apart pretty quickly. Shinjiro can’t control Castor, something is seriously wrong with him, he kills someone, then he leaves and the Kirijos cover it up. Was it to protect him, or to protect themselves? Mitsuru certainly doesn’t know anymore but she’s lost a friend and can’t reach him again, he’s too traumatized by personas and Akihiko is still there but he’s always so stuck on Shinjiro and Mitsuru feels like she failed both of them. Just more men for her to let down by not being good enough
Then there’s Kotone. Sweet, strong, clumsy, talented Kotone. She’s so bubbly and friendly, but behind those warm smiles is horrible loneliness. Pain. But she’s never ever gonna let anyone see that. She busies herself by taking care of everyone else, listening to their problems and never burdening them with her own feelings. She can just fix everything and make everyone happy if she works herself hard enough. She just has this way about her, so reliable and so kind
And Mitsuru watches Kotone from above. Trusts her to be the leader, or maybe she just wanted to push a burden onto someone else for a change. Someone who’s able to take on burdens with a smile for fucks sake. And Kotone leads, seemingly effortlessly, and is able to recruit several members in a short time and achieve just so much more than Mitsuru could in her entire lifetime. Just, perfectly. Without even possessing any prior knowledge of the dark hour or personas. And she does this while being so emotional, so social, so weird, so fucking cute, it’s absolutely nauseating. This should be fine, right? It’s what Mitsuru’s always wanted, for someone else to ease her burden. And hell, it’s a woman too, a woman who’s perfectly capable of doing it all without a bunch of men helping her. It’s inspiring, isn’t it?
But there’s the pain. The envy. Kotone is perfect and she doesn’t even have to try. Mitsuru on the other hand has been shaving herself down to nothing just to be allowed a place. She makes the perfect grades and wears the beautiful clothes and applies the fucking makeup and is mature for her age and never speaks out or feels anything that could possibly make her be seen as a human, a filthy fucking human. So why does a woman as unashamed as Kotone get to have it all? And why is Mitsuru still here, still acting as the Kirijo tool, still doing whatever she possibly can to hurt herself to make a man feel better? Why isn’t she useful anywhere? It’s not fair
And then when she actually spends the time with Kotone she’s trying so hard to be that wise and mature figure she’s always been, trying so hard to force herself to smile through the pain, but she’s talking to someone who can see right through that shit cuz Kotone Shiomi invented lying through her teeth to make others feel better. It’s annoying really, how Kotone is supposed to be the childish one, yet it’s Mitsuru who can’t get it together and can’t seem to look into those bright eyes without breaking. And Kotone isn’t disgusted by what she sees, even though Mitsuru is being unreasonable and emotional and talking about wanting to run away and how much she hates her life and how she’s not only eating fast food but enjoying it, letting herself enjoy an indulgence that won’t make her pretty anymore. No, Kotone sees this and listens and encourages it and celebrates it, celebrates how utterly human Mitsuru is. She holds her hand and says "let me take on your burden". And it’s horrible, this kindness, Mitsuru hasn’t even broken all her bones to make Kotone happy, so why is she being so fucking nice? And then something breaks, and Kotone defends her. Stands up for her against a man. Lets herself once again take a hit to protect someone else. And it’s just too familiar, too much to fucking bear, and it pisses Mitsuru the fuck off. And she is able to tell a man to go fuck himself, because no one gets to fucking talk to this girl like she isn’t the most amazing person ever to exist. Not after everything she’s done, everything she still does, not after giving her all and never once asking for anything in return. And in standing up for Kotone, Mitsuru is able to stand up for herself for the first time in her life. And she looks at Kotone and says "let’s take on each other’s burdens"
Oh and also they watch a scary movie together and hold hands and ride a motorcycle and Mitsuru calls Kotone adorable I mean that’s pretty gay man
#persona#persona 3#mitsuru kirijo#kotone shiomi#mitsuham#girl is that even the ship name thats how fucking obscure this shit feels lol#but noooo you people dont UNDERSTAND you dont GET ITTTTTT they are everything to me your honor#atlus gimme the rights i can do this shit so much better#basically what im getting at here is that mitsuru kirijo is a lesbian and whenever i see her with a man I actually throw up#dont piss me off like that oooh#ive already decided that if i ever post that shinji fic im doing a mitsuru spinoff#cuz like first off her relationship with shinji is really interesting to me and i wanna explore it further but theres not much time in the#shinji fic its more just setting a foundation and i realized i didnt wanna leave them hanging like that#but i also wanna give her a fic cuz ive uh become a bit feral over her and mitsuham in particular#and basically i want her to maybe just uh. leave the kirijo group 🙊 and live her own life make her own choices#and kiss girls kiss a lot of girls and also she gains weight and stops wearing makeup and cuts her hair#she gets to be loved and she loves in return and i spray atlus with a gun shes mine now 👺
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you don't want to know the end of this dream, because it's not the world you wish for; yet still, i wish you'd love even this conclusion.
(redraw of the dreamless dreams PV!)
#omniscient reader's viewpoint#orv#kim dokja#orv spoilers#implied. like i don't think it would spoil you to see this on its own but its heavily implied.#anyways. dreamless dreams is the most kdj song ever to me. i want to redraw multiple other shots as kdj too.#especially the scene in which um the protag like. beheads her past self. wonder who that sounds like lol.#anyhow. this was hard to do bc the torii in the original pv shot breaks up the values really well. this version does not have anything like#that so i had to resort to coloring the train's metal parts darker instead... idk if it works LOL#am i alright even as the failure i am. can i still be loved kindly. can a good for nothing like me even speak of dreams.#hahahaha. lol even#theres a picture book out there all for you. there really is one isnt there#fortune art#like im not the most proud of this but the main point here is that everyone should listen to dreamless dreams.
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I have not posted any of my analysis to reddit yet and I think I might just post it and ghost it. I've already spent too much time looking at other people's threads on there to feel any way good about interacting with folks.
I already went in an added the "I know you're going to bring this up let me save you the time" section which is exclusively touching on the frequent topics of:
"well what about the fingerprint nostrum and finger mimics? He is clearly just a crackpot"
And
"it's definitely some weird elaborate sacrifice to Metyr thing"
#if he's drinking hallucinogenic tea in his free time genuinely good for him. whatever man. i just do not think either of those items are-#at all relevant to the quest especially the nostrum because it is a placebo medicine and aint nothing fake about this shit#also i think theres a distinction between becoming fingers vs wanting to replace metyr? idk like as ive said i think he thinks he's-#better than the fingerweavers and rightfully so#like please come to a new conclusion other than “man this guy is on drugs”#also girl... metyr doesnt need sacrifices. like? where is that textually or in set design? metyr wants us to leave her the fuck alone#she's minding her own business EVERY TIME WE SPAWN INTO HER ZONE#like why are people so desperate for everything to have a dark undercurrent? not everything has to be some dark disney ass shit#“actually finding nemo is a hallucination & Marlin is insane & nemo is dead that movie is actually super fucked up & dory is a grim reaper”#like im sorry but this is how this extra shit all feels to me#like it is already fucked up and miserable?#is he 100% a good person? like thats genuinely person to person. theres personal gain from the quest#and hes definitely very good at getting what he wants#manipulate manifest mother#tail fingers on the vision board#devon yaps#and yap I did#like I don't want to be a bitch because yeah we should genuinely celebrate other peoples theories and hcs in these games#but i dont think “lol this guy is just on drugs” is one of those things#because i like spooky theories if theyre backed up.#but to say “its this weirdly horrible thing and youre all wrong” especially in his context is not great to me#Sorry. like may my own arrogance strike me down like the scholar i think i am 😤 farewell#because again its coming down to meeting this narrative without preconceived bias and most of the reddit stuff feels like-#“he is fucked up. won't say why. but i bet you know why i actually think this 🤫🤫🤫” like just you cant wrap your brain around guy mom#i do really want to reiterate this is about reddit shit. like i am so into people who love his character but interpret him more sinister💕😚#truly eating that shit up
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act 1 solasmancer arc is sooooooo much sexier when headcanoning that they had their first kiss during the redcliffe nightmare future scenario. solas immediately dies and then lavellan returns to the present unable to be normal about him forever <3
#oc: ashara#i dont have the brain power to articulate my point today but#im going to be extremely controversial and say i hc this is the only time (in ashara's worldstate at least)#where he initiates the kiss. bc i think its genuinely a prideful move lol. he sees his own history in the inquisitors dilemma#so he offers them what he would want. reassurance. comfort. lol !#i dont even think he cared much about her (ashara) in act 1 OR the redcliffe future scenario#it was just an impulsive move he could justify bc he knew he was dead immediately after. and also ''past me's problem now'' lmao#anyway. ashara has never had anyone straight up DIE for her before so it REALLY expedites the falling-in-love process#despite him having no awareness of what occured in redcliffe lol.#and then when she thinks shes not making it out of haven during iyhsb she does also think abt kissing him like he did in redcliffe#but decides against it at the last second. because i <3 pain :)
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the silt verses: chapter 34
chapter 38
#p#tsv#the silt verses#im being so brave n tagging this + making it rb-able. i think#posting this for my own benefit cuz it made me go nuts (positive) when i listened to ch 38 n got to this part#i was like WAIT THIS REMINDS ME OF SMTH#n then i found the right ep to check the transcript for the first one n i was like YESSSS >:)#this podcast dude.....im eating it its eating me we're (cant spell the O word) snake eating self thing#this is like. what if we were both prophets of our faith (in different ways i think)#n bargaining w our god for the safety of our loved ones#basically threatening it w the power we have over it#And we were both trans??? :O#Also! how theyre both v like jaded abt their god when they started w good intentions (paige)#or like such zealous belief n feel the bad actions u do are justified by ur faith n its for ur god etc (faulkner but i worded it badly)#now that im rambling here: anyway i do miss that faulkner era sldjk like hes still doing fucked up stuff ofc#but at this point he admitted he doesnt feel the same abt the trawler man n is maybe more like carpenter at the beginning of the series#ok 38 made me cry it was wild actually. the stuff w his dad got me dude!!!#him telling raine that hes wanted to like confront his dad for not being around for him+his brothers n basically abandoning him eventually#but now that theyre together again he cant cuz his dad isnt even like. himself sometimes n needs to be looked after etc#this podcast is great w complicated parental/family relationships i think. faulkner n his alive brother+dad#paige w her dad + carpenter w nana glass#anyway back to 38 lol n when faulkner had to comfort his dad who thought he was his abusive uncle not his son n kept repeating#''i love u. im not him'' jeeeeez#then when his dad is more coherent n they have a long talk abt how faulkner (richard lol) has been n that he thinks hes rly fucked things u#<- CORRECT#OHH n the trans stuff omg like 'ur voice is deeper than last time i saw u' n feelin bad he couldnt afford#testosterone when faulkner was younger n stuff n saying how he looks n sounds suits him n skdjdk wah#ok posting this before i can regret it byeee
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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so sad for absolutely no reason
#👆 girl who stayed up till 3 am talking to her bestfriend about how depressed and trapped we both are for about 4 hrs#it's like that gracie lyric#you have to laugh before you start to cry😭😭#like ab toh funny bhi nahi lag raha jokes bhi nahi banaye ja rahe#oh but i love her so much i absolutely LOVE people with whom i can just be sad#im tired of people who constantly try to make the sadness go away or try to cheer me up#like sometimes you just gotta sit with your feelings na#at one point she was ranting and i said mere paas kuch kehne ke liye bhi nahi hai kyunki it literally feels like im listening#to my own thoughts on my own lying in bed at 2 am like hum itna same kaise sochte hai😭#and she laughed and was like but ye sahi hai na aise sochna like it feels wrong but it's the truth and im like i don't even#know but oh it's so good to not pretend to be okay#we're so similarly hopeless and tired cause like one point mein inevitably we talked about#the future living together our apartment and then i was like mujhe bhi ye chahiye but mujhe itni umeed uth chuki hai life se#ki koi excitement bhi nahi aa rahi like i already know ye sab kuch nahi hone wala and she's like haina same like i want to say#ki we'll do this and that but im like lol not gonna happen ab i can't look forward to things in the future im like if im living it then ok#then i can accept ki oh ok this is really happening im happy now wow but usse pehle nope#and we were talking about ki like yaar future toh ab dikhta hi nahi hai kya hoga it all feels so blurry and like a dark tunnel#atleast bachpan se we knew what was next school college but now it's like now what?#i know all these thoughts and feelings are pretty common and probably everyone's facing this but bhai.#it's fucking hard i didn't know life was gonna be like a constant battle where it kicks you down#again and again and again and you're bloody and no energy can't get up but you still have to because if you don't you'll sink#soooo deep in that state ki bahar nikal hi nahi paoge#OKAY 8 hrs sleep mandatory for me what the fuck why am i writing a ventpost at freaking 11 am girl go have lunch or something 😭
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i am genuinely so crazyyyy about lbruuuuu.... like Genuinely Genuinely. its pretty bad guise
#like. im crazy about the.m#unfortunately ive been touched by autism and therefore the pattern seeking. they are so dirkjake#and also so me nand my husband <3#its kind of freaky actually#my husband and kabru both have ptsd overthinking masking disease. he said he didnt like kabru (anime only) and i told him about those trait#and he was like is he me. is that why i dont like him. and i was like LOL#he was ilke i dont like that he says what he needs to get what he wants... and i was like sir we literally just talked about how bad your#Fake Conflict Avoidant has gotten bro dont even play#im laios ofc.... ofc... not only is our autism like. similar in presentation. but also the whole never fitting in#and getting told off by a friend granted i wasnt told she always hated me but i was told about how annoying i am and on another occasion#how unreliable i am so LOLLLL that entireeeee scene seriously wrenched my soul#anyway im gonna commit egregious acts against myself to atone for this#alsoooooohis relationship with falin... is really relatable..#now this may sound harsh against laios but im his number one fan i will defend him to death but...#he left his struggling sister to avoid his own pain and didnt reconnect with her for years#like. Yeah. wow. i will say i was much more cruel to my sibling than laios ever was to falin lol he was just kind of a normal brotherly ass#and ofc he was a kid when he ran from home! and i was a kid when i had severe unmanaged adhd (with tism) and had 0 hold on my emotions#and then i withdrew from my sibling once i got on antidepressants lol#it was really difficult to deal with the guilt of having mistreated them to the extent i did while also acknowledging i was failed by our#adults its hard figuring out what exactly youre sorry for#anyways#i love oversharing here. do you guys like it. does anyone ever read these rants#DM
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ive mentioned before how ive always thought it was a little bizarre that so many white people's first assumption when they see a white-looking person with a culturally unexpected surname is "oh they're adopted" despite how much more common a person being multiracial is compared to being the white adopted child of non-white parents - although of course it does happen, its just yknow. the people saying this are usually not thinking about the racial dynamics in the adoption industry so much as they are just assuming mixed race people don't exist LOL
but on that end, in my own mixed race bias I usually assume multiracialness first so i did completely forget about another decently common situation where a white-looking adult (often a woman) might have a last name from a non-white culture: i forgot that um. sometimes people (particularly women) change their last names when they get married? neither my mom nor any of my aunties did so you have to forgive me orz
#literally i completely forgot. genuinely#i met a woman with my mom she gave us her business card. she did not look japanese but had a japanese last name#and i was like mentally oh cool a whitepassing biracial sister. and then my mom who had chatted with her a bit longer mentioned later#the woman had changed her name when she got married. and i was like. ah. people take others names sometimes. i forgor#im like weirdly possessive over my extremely common last name in that i never considered changing it if i ever get married#like to the point where if i DID get married i also kind of wouldnt want my partner to take my name either. its mine.#like yes we're joining in a union representing everlasting love and companionship and tax benefits or whatever#but thats myyyyyyyy name :( LOL yeah i dunno either. i dont even feel right giving my name to my own art#but i like. genuinely blanked it out of my head for a while there. i genuinely forgot about marriage name changes#im so sorry. i think i nearly forgot that people get like officially married too (common law parents) ..... forgive me jfdslkdsdjkfs
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