#i want a different life

[crybabyzine-subtext]

What I Could Have Been

I find myself longing for another life. I have been imagining what would have happened if I had had parents who understood me, a secular childhood, a childhood in which I was encouraged to pursue art instead of being told it was impractical. A life where I stopped caring earlier about what my family thought of me. A life where I never went to BYU-Idaho to please my parents. A life where I could have found others like me instead of consistently being told I was wrong, when I was just alone.

I suppose this is grief. My birthday is coming up. Anniversaries are always meaningful, whether you realize it or not. My body remembers. My body feels the years of loneliness.

I wish I didn't feel alone so often. It's embarrassing, but the people i feel I understand best have been my clients--sensitive souls who have similar energy to my own. Maybe you have to be mentally ill to treat the mentally ill. I definitely think it helps. I watch my dog at the dog park, always searching for other dogs like him. I feel like I do the same, but so rarely find someone who I can be authentic with. Truth is hard, and most people run from it.

My girlfriend loves me too much. It's uncomfortable for me. I can feel myself wanting to pull away, to run, to flee. I can't tell if I'm supposed to learn to accept it or to hold my boundaries. I'm so used to relying on myself. but I've gotten lax. I've let her take care of me and support me, and in turn, I've neglected myself and my responsibilities. I am the only one who can know what I need. But she is noisy and I can't get space to listen to myself in a 19-foot van. No matter what happens, I end up caretaking in some way, shape, or form. But I'm burnt out on a lifetime of caring for others. I cannot fake my emotions any more. I have little patience for people who expect me to. Moreover, I do not want to fake my emotions for anyone else's benefit any longer. I'm clocking out. This labor is not in my job description anymore.

I want to believe in the fairy tale of true love, but I have long since stopped believing in fantasies. Instead, I learn how fantasies are made--the ins and outs of storytelling, the technical work required to create believable illusions. I believe in reality. Maybe a little too much, and more than most. I enjoy smashing people's bubbles, waking people up to a world outside of their delusions. People resist that, though. I get it. I used to live in a bubble. I was a good little Mormon girl who believed a bunch of fairy tales that came with strict rules governing my behavior. I didn't break the rules, because I didn't want to. I believed. I set a good example for my younger siblings. I was too scared to be bad.

Until I couldn't anymore. I've learned firsthand that you can't suppress your truth forever. I had checked out of church, learned to disassociate from a young age, found ways of keeping myself entertained. I brought a journal to church with me--acceptable cover for taking notes on talks, but I was secretly journaling my own thoughts, doodling characters in the margins, creating my own little safe space to live on the page. My brain made a place for me, while my body went through the motions of my obligations. Sometimes my body made its own choices, like taking 30-minute bathroom breaks while I was supposed to be in my religious classes with the other devout young adults. Some days I would oversleep accidentally-on-purpose and then lie to my parents about what lessons I learned in church that week. They wouldn't have wanted to hear that I wasn't going, so I didn't tell them. The key to a good lie is to believe in it, and i believed the lie deeply. I was an imaginative, creative child who could easily imagine a world in which I went to, and enjoyed church. But I couldn't make it real.

I was almost always alone. What would it had been like if someone else had been brave enough to skip Sunday school with me all those years ago? Maybe I'd be better at connecting with others instead of writing my secret thoughts on the internet in the middle of the night. But this is the safest way I've ever found to be honest.

Maybe I could have been different if they would have just let me be myself. If they could have handled the reality of who I am, instead of trying to mold me into a perfect daughter of God. I could never be that girl. I would die before I became that woman.

I'm too messy, too loud, too small to have such heavy expectations placed on me. I fell short again and again and learned that being perfect was impossible.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[laughingcatwrites]

As a reminder that good exists out there, a coworker recently confessed to me that he found out his child is questioning their identity (kid's gender redacted for this post). The kid is keeping it from him, so he can't say anything to them or show that he knows, but he's doing his best to get mentally prepared and educated so that he'll be ready whenever his kid does feel comfortable enough come to him.

For context, this guy is a big, bulky middle aged dude who loves sports and typical outdoor "manly" activities. As his coworker and friend, I know he's a kind and sweet teddy bear of a person, but his kid probably views him as a stern, authoritarian figure, the way most teenagers view their parents. His family lives in a conservative area, so I'm sure between that, their dad's looks and interests, and the fact that their dad is a Figure of Authority, the kid is worried that they won't be accepted.

But you know what? When he found out about his kid, the first thing he did was reach out to his closest queer friend and ask for resources for parents of questioning children. His biggest fears are that his kid will be bullied or discriminated against and won't feel comfortable enough to be themself. His second action was to find himself a mentor in another parent who went the same situation (kid coming out in a conservative town). The other person is preparing him for some of the struggles his kid may face and the fights he may need to take on as a parent to make sure his kid is safe and treated well.

Something I want to emphasize for people focused on language as the primary method of allyship is that when we spoke, he used some outdated terms and thoughts about gender and sexuality. That does not make him bad. These were the terms and thinking used about questioning teenagers when he was growing up and he never needed to learn more current ones. But now that he does have that need, he's throwing himself in head first because that's his kid and he's darn well going to make sure that his kid feels welcomed and has a safe place to be themselves even if they never come out to him.

[bluhtack]

on the head of a pin🕺

[kitskiis]

“I want to win this season”

The evil and intimidating snail:

[artsekey]

Thinking about the time I lost a game of Overwatch and I was so mad about it that I genuinely considered getting into shit with the other team in chat and then realized that it was a colossal waste of my living breathing Human Time and uninstalled Overwatch instead because it was only making me angry.

And then thought about the OTHER time when I was on TikTok and realized I was Not Enjoying Myself and was, in fact, seeing so many sad videos and fake influencer ads that I felt Truly Despondent and then just…Deleted it.

Imo I want my social media /general media experience to be a pleasant break from real world and I get to decide what I get to cull to make that a reality for myself. I highly reccomended it! Life has improved considerably!

[lotus-pear]

top 10 moments before disaster (dazai is about to step on his toes)

[paradox-n-bedrock]

me in big fandoms: oh cool, it's so active and there's so many people to vibe with, this is amaz-

*finds my niche angle that appeals to approximately six people*

me: okay, folks, it's you and me now

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

[gascreates]

a new star

[ravenpureforever]

On one hand, Young Justice is kind of neglected by the actual superheroes that should be looking out for them in a lot of crucial ways and very much failed by the adults around them

But on the other hand Red Tornado straight up hosts a parent-teacher conference where their respective legal guardians all show up, barring Batman who’s in traffic so Nightwing fills in instead because Robin’s dad does not know he’s a vigilante which is objectively hilarious

[telesilla]

You are in a position to commission Amuray Guichon, aka The Chocolate Guy. Money, time and space are not an issue, you can ask for anything he can physically make. What do you ask for?

I realize there’s significant overlap in some of these categories; this is not rocket science. Also please feel free to describe your commissioned piece in the tags.

[bbq-potato-chip]

really been enjoying rewatching as of late

[hinamie]

I could've been a better man, but I'm not

more lmhs megu bc i love him. he is here fr ur lunch money :>

jjk atla!au with @philosophiums

[rachmcadams]

It's a Wonderful Life (1946) dir. Frank Capra