#i wanna be normal and fine and i dont wanna be like this
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Mild vent. Idk. I promise it’s not as bad as last nights utter mental shattering.
I don’t know what it is.
Maybe it’s a U.S centric Gen X mindset, or a remnant Boomer one from that “pull up your bootstraps” individualism thing, and no shade to any of the ones who follow me, my only point of reference are my parents and other older adults in my immediately family, and some friends families who tend to echo the same stuff—
Maybe it’s because a lot of my older family members never got to fulfill any particular ambition of theirs and had no choice but to work in fields they hate, maybe they overestimate how things work these days, and maybe it’s just me being an outlier…
But it’s so hard to discuss jobs especially creative ones of any kind when I’m the kind of person who is just… content working beneath somebody else. Or at least within a group professionally.
I don’t really have the ambition to start any individual practice or “be my own boss” so to speak. I don’t even feel comfortable in positions where I’m in charge of myself.
I don’t disagree that if that were to happen I’d probably be competent. I just feel more at ease and in my element when I’m able to just be given a task or assignment in a group setting and just doing it. Then going home and not think about it.
And if I outwardly say that I’m just… fine in that position I’m looked at weird and getting lectured about it. It’s not like I don’t get it… and I’m sure they just want better out of me or have a positive outlook that I could “be my own boss” in a hypothetical and have my own little business and be successful. As much as I do doubt myself in most cases, I just don’t feel any connection to those proposals at all.
I legitimately do not that any desire to do those things. At least, not now nor ever in the last few years. It just doesn’t really appeal to me.
I’ve never even got my foot in the door in a normal way yet to even know if a leap like that would work or is something I want.
I just know I’m genuinely more content just being given a task, doing it well (regardless if it ever surfaces, most don’t), and moving onto the next thing. I’m usually at my best there.
It’s a weird spot when I’m told that I can allegedly do “anything”, but when I say I just want to remain low key and I’m fine working under someone else, that suddenly isn’t a viable thing to be okay with.
“Oh you don’t wanna do THAT-“ “why dont you do this instead??” “im sure you could do this that and third and have your own —“ meanwhile I know every single one of them wanted that self sufficient whatever for themselves but never got it.
And it’s not like I’m not blind enough to see how hard, insular, exploitative and under-appreciated creative fields can be (and downright abusive, even).
I just… don’t have an urge nor want to do the most “ideal” and individualistic thing ever. I know what they’re saying is out of this idealized positivity, I get it. It’s not like I was the happiest person on earth with my old non-creative 9-5 job, yeah I would rather have been putting my skills to use, but I also don’t have much interest in being some kind of independent art business owner. Whatever that would entail. (the homies were even talking con booths and junk, like, sure hypothetically it sounds neat and shoutout to those who do it, but it’s not for me…)
I’m just… fine not shooting that high, nor being that notable. But I also didn’t hate my old job setup either. I wasn’t always excited to go in (who even is), but I didn’t hate it. I was pretty fine just …working.
Not that it matters. I don’t have a foot in that door anyway.
I don’t know. I don’t remember my point at all.
I’ll be rid of this later.
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i feel left out :( <- has barely said shit
#im a dumb fuckinh idiot#AAAAAAAAAAA#im sorry im sorry im sorry imsorry im sorry#but LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME PLEASE IM SO SICK OF BARELY FEELING LOVE#truth is im digging my own fucking grave because ill never truly be satisfied and thats not anyone else's fault. just mine#and like if no matter what i did someone still felt bad? i too would start to get tired#its like my brain built itself to eventually self destruct#i know i cant expect everyone to adore me unconditionally. thats unrealistic. but i cant tell my brain to stop being sad when it doesnt#happen#because no matter what i do i will always feel like people like others more#i will always feel like no matter what i do people will still like others more#even if they barely do shit#and i dont know how to fix myself and#god. i just#i wanna be normal and fine and i dont wanna be like this#please
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dottore and his segments fighting over who can sleep next to you. (they all end up squishing themselves for space on the bed so you had to leave. they don’t notice it, so now they’re actually cuddling each other without knowing)
with each toss and turn, a dottore falls onto the floor and snaps his back. rest in peace 🙏
#god i had such an awful dream??#i was like twelve years old again but i didnt know i was twelve#so i just went out like normal and my mom sent the police after me and everyone was calling me im#blake.screaming#i dont wanna tag this.#ok fine#dottore x reader#dottore headcanons
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seems like its going well then
#desire mona#media#not watching for my own sanity but as i said to hunny bun ill peruse twitter after its over to see the aftermath and highlights#lets hope this time around i dont wanna blow my brains out but considering one of them is normal im sure itll be fine#wonder what the work atmospheres gonna be like tomorrow#goddamned saint - nickel creek#thoughtsing
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Look at these stickers my brain is literally so huge. God. I love them so much.
I hadn't tried to do a sticker sheet at home before because I knew it would be difficult, and I was right! Getting the cut lines to line up with the print was super hard and there were many failed attempts, but it was so worth it I'm so happy with them!!!
This sticker sheet is for my patrons this month ^^
#like seriously I wasted like 10 entire sheets#normally when I do stickers I get to arrange them on a 'print and cut' sheet#which basically has these black marks in the corners that the machine can scan so it can cut based off of where those marks were#so it gets to line up muuuch easier#but with this I didnt want to have just like 2 sticker sheets a page... I wanted to have 4 for an 8.5x11 piece of paper?#cause of obvious reasons I feel#cause the print and cut takes an inch all around#I'm not sure it would be replicable either tbh? like if I were to design another sheet I would have to waste a bunch of papers again#cause for some reason the individual cut lines werent like... it wasnt like it was just entirely offset or entirely scaled 1:1#it was like some parts had to scoot up some spots had to scoot over some down whatever#so I think I would have to print cut and test again#but. also I did all that and realized. I could have been testing this on normal pieces of paper... I didnt have to use sticker paper#its fine! just makes me feel less bad about trying to do this again in the future#the sticker paper isnt that expensive this wasnt terrible#anyways. might do more in the future! I only have one other idea right now for a sticker sheet bt I wanna do it eventually#not like I wont ever have other ideas. obviously.#I just generally try to only make stuff that i'd actually wanna have so i'm not trying to make a ton of designs or whatever#this is actually also why i'm often sort of... late? on the patreon designs#not late like i send them out as soon as payments get processed for that month the design was for#but ideally id be making them ahead of time enough that people could sign up or sign off if theyre interested or not...#but I just dont wanna make a design that feels procedural... I CAN but I wanna make things that are creative and worth paying for!#so. I often will spend multiple days mulling over ideas for that months designs. so I'm not very ahead at all haha#anyways. yeah these are for october and then I've also gotta draw a halloween themed drawing for this year in general that will be the prin#i lov halloween#anyways.#patreon#merch#my bf didnt get it the gravestone box. its like a nerds box shaped like a gravestone...#and the nerds are. ghosts... its good. its good okay you agree
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normal murder time trio and then the idiocracy that is jk fashion au and the jk!mtt
#why is idiocracy spelled like that. it should be spelled like hypocrisy. idiocrisy#i laughed so hard when i saw this comment on this specific tiktok#i have no fucking idea what the hell hannigram or lawlight is (something to do with deathnote??) but this fits#if the fandom isn't one i've been in then its irrelevant ‼️‼️‼️#normal mttpoly is so damn toxic they break eachothers bones for fun. but they like it so it cancels out#jk mtt would be the SWEETEST fucking qpr youd ever seen. unbelievably sweet#the cuddles are HARDCORE ‼️‼️‼️ and by that i mean they do not get up from bed unless they specifically need to#they do everything together i cannot iterate enough how sweet the jk mtt are together#god i need to make more jk au comics just so i can show just how sweet the jk mtt are#i have so many ideas but lack a body fast enough to give life and a mind lenient enough to approve of the quality#tricule rant#i dont wanna tag this shitty post as jk fashion au....m.m but the voices in me....... the PARASITES in me............#whatevrer its fine its funny#jk fashion au
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i want to see exactly how many people actually have thought i am for research because ive gotten this quite a few times from different people i just wanna see how far it goes
#please understand while im not doubting so much now im not going to base off everything by peoples perceptions of my online behavior but#i feel like it does give good insight#i just always have a little hesitation in me because i feel like no one can get a full scope or honest picture of myself to Know me enough#to say that i can trust their opinion of me without knowing me enough in that sense#gahh. cuz i always feel like im doing Just Fine Enough i feel normal enough but im not guhh.#GUHHGGGHGH#it literally wouldnt change anything for me. like im autistic . ok! shrugs my shoulders. i cope i cant to anything more to help myself#than that#do u guys get it. do i have to go eat bricks or do u guys get it. my internal struggle. im like sisyphus#i cant trust other peoples opinions of my and i cant trust my own perceptions#while of course self diagnosis is a wonderful thing i dont want to put a name on myself that serves me no purpose#autism is awesome but do i deserve that title when dont feel like i own it wether i am autistic or not#im just so conflicted.#do you get it. do you get me. am i being reasonable . am i just fighting a truth about myself or are my doubts realistic. but the Evidence.#im so tired#i do not wanna b one of those tiktok girlies saying theyr hyperfixated on cooking pasta#Now do you get me#all my long winded rabbit trail rambles out of me before i finally get to my one point condensed conclusion#and now i just cant delete the rest of my tags because of all my time spent on them#enjoy my indentity crisis lol#i Might delete some of these tags later
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#yakuza series#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#yakuza 3#katase#hisho#masu im stealing your tag for her LOL itll save me the stroke. plus hisho works as a name donnit fuck it we take what we can get#tbh when i looked her up in the files- or mine anyway- it was 'hisyo' which. dont think thats a word <3 ANYWAY#snap sketches#click for better quality or scream and die#>says i wont draw them again >makes references to draw them again#my in-game-models ref sheets for them is so messy we gotta work with what we got its FINE#what a way to cool down after Church <3#normally i wouldve had the katase/hisho models together but i wanna.... show off the height difference i made up about them </3#i had fun tho... you cant see it due to. CLOTHING. but i wanted katase to be boxier since everyone built like damn CARGO in y3#didnt really have much thought with hisho. aside from the fact she's like ~5'2 without heels#yeah no in my dome i've decided With Heels katase's 5'9 while hisho's 5'4 that's just what my eyes figured out#anyway. i dont have any more time for girls this week i got comms </3 just wanted to doodle somethin quick for meself this morn..#ok bye ima go work so i have more time to draw nonsense !!!!!!!#i need to stop. liking this game series it keeps giving me things to wanna draw and distracting me from projects And Everything Else#BYE
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getting into ben 10 is so sad bc I binge the entire OS and am like wow cant wait for more and then every other series doesnt have the things I liked about OS and even casual fans online say that 10yo Ben's character in OS is more compelling than all the others but theres barely any of him after OS
#how did that episode in ultimate alien when it brought back 10yo ben make him 10 times more compelling#but only his 10yo self and not his current self in the show#but fr it was so sad learning that they immediately jumped straight to a 5 year timeskip after OS#plus artstule change plus recast plus major personality shift plus redesign#like looking at alien force ben next to OS ben idk who the hell that is bc thats not ben#its fine like im chill with just being neutral/uninterested in the later series and just sticking with OS#thats the power of fandom#i dislike his omniverse characterization but that doesnt mean i dont love rook#and i wont stick him into OS as a self indulgent au#theres also multiple things i like about the later series for sure tho like#1 rook like i just said but also#ben and gwens relationship. i love that they didnt play around with them in AF#and doom dimension likeee#i dont like how theyre written in AF and UA but that stuff is bomb#i think it all boils down to me wishing the show didnt feel split up in eras with different versions of the characters#and it was more linear#like instead of instant 5 year timeskip it was like. now ben and gwen are 11 or 12. maybe even 13#it shows more development that isnt just a huge jump from 0 to 100#ben getting more mature is the natural progression of his character but also#its the fact that they gave him major development in OS then changed everybody so jarringly they didnt even feel like the same characters#like theres a reason OS ben is the most compelling#it should have been more linear close together and less broken up in my opinion#pandas.txt#they just made ben look so normal and boring in most of the clips ive seen in the later series#plus not even feeling like the same guy#maybe ill try and watch the reboot#it rlly is chill tho bc im fine with just liking OS its a great show#anything i wanted to see i can just think of in my head myself and now i have a bunch of stuff to play around with#once i get more into it#bc this show is so fun and great and i love it i rlly do wanna stick with it
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Is it a casual thing to get high together and then fall asleep in the same tiny bed ?
#asking for a friend....#anyway... the adventures of foolishness with german guy continue...#i think this can still be a platonic thing btw? to sleep in the same bed#but i have a hard time analyzing it bc i have a crush on him lol#we did do a lot of casual touching in bed but u know that might have been mostly me sorry oops#i still dont think he likes me like that?#which is fine its just kinda torture when yr platonically in bed with the guy u wanna kiss but u cant !#but ill live#but anyway yeah.... how normal and platonic is this from a scale of 1-10 be honest pls#diary entries
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okay look. not to gatekeep but i think if you're a newer starkid and you can't tell me 1) who julia albain is 2) what little white lie is and 3) all the names in liam's got a phone call, i don't wanna hear your complaints about what starkid chooses to produce next
#what was denise donovan's first show? who originally did their music? who was in apocalyptour? QUICKLY#i wanna be clear i have no problem with new starkids who are respectful and excited about the company#my issue is the newer ones who hate on old shows/get upset about basically anything that isnt hatchetfield related/are weird to the crew#idk starkid isnt like a show fandom. its years of college friendship and a fandom built by fans. ive been here since i was 10#ive seen quite a few newer fans get upset about cinderellas castle. one dummy on twt even argued with mariah about it#and idk it just comes off as very rude to hate on a company that GIVES US STUFF FOR FREE when you dont even know their history#newsflash!! adaptations and puppets are like. as starkid as it gets#starkid is not a product that we ask for. the gang thinks up something theyre passionate about and we enjoy#its fine to maybe not like a play concept or point out poor choices from 2009. but its NOT ok to attack the company and its crew as a whole#idk. its just very frustrating to me#just be respectful! please! the starkids r not big budget a list actors they are normal people who work for little pay for passion projects#i could probably articulate my thoughts better but whatever. just be respectful thats what this boils down to#starkid#me yapping
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I was reading through the Webtoons (again) and remembered the scene/panel where Lime claims he caught Corona and Mochi tells him not to joke about that. My actual 2 questions are 1. Is Lime the type to have "Man Flu"? And 2. Out of the Coven (incl Taffy) whose best and dealing with being ill?
10000%. a few months ago (???) the idea came up that indeed lime in all his greatness, can tank physical and magic attacks and then walk away like its nothing, but then when tummy hurty suddenly hes out of commission for days on end. punch to the face??? nothing. got the sniffles???? hes gonna die.
this one is kinda interesting!!!! i dont think mochi gets sick often (and if she does, she can just magic heal it away so shes never dealt with it). i actually think taffy or coco would be the best at pushing through!!! coco has enough perseverance to be like "No. We have a history quiz today and I'm not missing it for shit." and will be that one student everyone hates that comes in when theyre sick and is hacking and coughing the whole time. and taffy just seems like the type to be like "Oh I'm sick? I didn't even notice. anyway." (at least pre-timeskip when life is so shitty that an additional sore body and stuffy nose is childs play)
#oscar is a normal sick person who sleeps for a day and is fine#lime is the fucking man flu one#i think last time we were talking about a really genius strategy would be to just poison his food a little bit to take him out#fucker wouldnt be able to fight for shit#i wonder if he also uses it as an excuse like (mochi im so cold....can you feed me--)#(i dont wanna get sick too.)
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Sorry for the uptick in system stuff Im lowkey struggling and need to see system positivity posts or I'll explode
#malik's rambles#okay i know my ass is gonna vent in tags rn so . tw for that !!#iwill never shut up i missed tumblr tags so much wow#itsnot their fault and like . like i dont want to blame them . but its so isolating being and living this way#ill always be grateful for them and I know its just my brain trying to cope and like !! its not their fault but this sucks so bad like wow#also doesnt help that besides how scared I am and how I just . wanna be normal . I feel like I sound insane to other people#it constantly feels like everyone is laughing at us and is just playing along with our “roleplay thing” because they dont wanna bother#and like !! im trying really really hard to be positive about it and just live as well as I can . all of us are !! but it makes me feel like#ridiculous . it feels like everyone'll laugh and think we're playing pretend. which shouldnt matter people will always be assholes !!#I dunno aough im rantingso hard rn . and masa2 wont share which is fine but imscared and worried and scared and aauahhggggggggg#ik the point of the disorder is to hide memories from me so i can function but like . man this suckss9 bad#okay enough of this . Imgonna watch monsters inc i love monsters inc
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Yeah, as a nonbinary person who could get pregnant but never wants to, I find the way fans treat trans cats having litters really weird. Like as long as you depict it with respect because trans parents deserve it, it's not hurting anyone. Plus it's unfair to trans fans who want to have biokids. I saw a Warriors Roleplay outright ban trans cats from having children that werent adopted with the excuse of 'listening to trans voices'. Ok, well not every trans person is uncomfortable with the idea of having children and its unfair to act like thats the case. YOU can be uncomfortable with having kids and thats fine, but just because something makes you dysphoric doesnt mean nobody is allowed to do it.
ABSOLUTELY! Ohhh I have thoughts about that RP... "you can NEVER portray trans characters having bio kids, they HAVE to adopt because trans people having bio kids is wrong!! We're doing this because we love trans people and we know that not a single one has had or wants children! This is helpful!! We're helping!!"
This stuff does have an effect on the real world, too (maybe not our silly little cat headcanons, but the general discussion around this topic in a wider range) When you insist that you can't portray trans people having kids, to the point you ban it in an rp or lash out at trans creators who do so, how do you think that reflects onto trans people who not only want bio kids, but have already had bio kids? That people like them are so uncomfortable, it is an insult to other trans people to acknowledge they exist? That they are an Other, something abnormal, something the trans community should never accept?
I get it. There are a lot of trans people irl who don't want bio kids because of dysphoria, among several other factors. Anon and I are two of them! And there WERE some people genuinely being reductive about the topic and just making a single trans character in a gay ship trans for bio kids. But what trans people are you helping by banning the discussion altogether? We aren't a hivemind. We're all individuals with different needs and preferences. If your dysphoria is SO bad that you can't look at other trans people who haven't met your standard for whatever reason and you demand that they stay quiet and not exist for your comfort... it's time to work on yourself. And if you're not trans and you're saying this, please shut up, holy shit stop telling trans people how to write our own characters or how we should headcanon things.
And to be honest, I've grown kinda sick of being policed around what kind of trans characters we're allowed to write. This attitude extends to stuff like dysphoria, whether a character has taken steps to medically transition (and you'll get snapped at no matter what!), portraying GNC trans people, and more. It's not as prevalent in the warriors fandom, I think, but it's become so nitpicked that I'm exhausted.
#heres the thing. if each and every single gay couple is cis x trans and they all have bio kids. yeah. raise an eyebrow at that#thats fair#but like as long as you portray the topic with respect and care. its fine#hell this is an issue that's generally solved by just... not having a single trans character. have several!#like i said we're all our own individuals and we all have different desires and ways we present ourselves#have one transmasc character want a baby. have another transmasc say its completely off the table and they want surrogacy/adoption#boom! youve officially presented a more nuanced depiction of trans people than most tumblr users can comprehend!#also i didnt wanna say this but um.... yknow. its actually kinda... suspicious...#to say that you can never ever portray trans ppl having bio kids and if they do they HAVE to adopt no matter what#hmmm... why dont you want to normalize that? does trans ppl having kids... gross you out? do you think... we shouldnt have them?#that we shouldn't have the same opportunity as cis people because of our genders?#... there's a word for that. or at the very least... thats a pipeline to some really fucked up shit#mail#anonymous
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the block button isnt enough i need to set things on FIRE
#SORRY. i just. jdskfjdskljfdskjlfjlk#someone reblogged a post. the post is a screenshot from [REDACTED]'s twitter apparently#so even tho i have [REDACTED] blocked here i will NEVER BE FREE#....but i didnt kow they had a twitter so i guess i gotta go block there too#it was YET AGAIN a situation of me going#oh thats a fun fanart- wait. wait i know that art style. is that [REDACTED]. god damn it.#UUGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHH#at least they have a really distinct art style [to me anyway] so i almost always catch myself if a stray post ends up in my feed#i had the same reaction a while back when someone reposted their art on insta#the thing is a lot of their art is fine but#i had enough like.... eyebrow raising suspicion that i dont think i ever followed them#and then one day they Posted The Thing I Blocked Them Over and i just cannot have that near me EVER#no shade to anyone reblogging their stuff tho bc i feel like most ppl probs wouldnt know#but i bear the burden of knowledge. i saw that singular post and it is all tainted FOREVER#oh i already have them blocked on twitter LOL ok. good lord they have a lot of followers#DO THEY KNOW..... HAVE THEY SEEN....#god. one day im gonna start thinking i hallucinated that post but i know what i saw. and it was Really Gross 😭#sorry to be a vague little bitch i just dont wanna start shit and i also dont want to give people The Mental Image Im Cursed With#it's ok i have seen cute fanart now and i am healed im calm im normal im moving on
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🍷
#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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