#i understand my mom now even though as a kid i resented her refusal to get a dog so much

[chaos-coming]

I love dogs and often think about having one but every time i dogsit i am reminded that they are So Much Work

[lucystark12]

i very very rarely listen to running up that hill but i am right now and it's just like holy shit YOU HAD TO BE THERE (weird reflection post that i just randomly started writing and couldn't stop for some reason about my depression lol that was supposed to be cute and lovey about my love for stranger things but ended up being really somber)

i didn't immediately watch season 4 when it came out on may 27th, because friday may 27th was the day that i came back from a week long class trip to the deep depths of northern washington (hell on earth, no mans land, if you will) and since my parents were out of town for my mom's 50th birthday, i was going straight to my best friend's house to stay over for the weekend. that i did. my best friend everly, whom i was staying with, always falls asleep really early, so at some point in the early hours of may 28th, probably around 1 am, i pulled out my phone and starting watching stranger things. i had spent the entire spring rewatching after all.

i got to where chrissy got possessed and immediately had to turn it off because i was in seventh grade and the bone cracking thing scared me to death (this was before i watched GOT for the first time, my tolerance for gore was not as high as it is now)

such began the first of many times where i'd neglect watching my favorite show for no reason. i did it with house of the dragon season 2 as well. so, a few days later i left everly's house and my grandma came to stay at my house with me while my parents were finishing out the rest of their trip.

at this point, the whole internet was already talking about running up that hill. it was that sunday when i decided i had to watch the show. who the fuck was i kidding? i loved stranger things. problem was, my grandma is and will always be the worst tv hog in the history of the world, so with a shitty disaster movie playing in the background, i put in one airpod and finally started watching stranger things season four.

this was a particularly rainy spring for portland, something that literally scarred me at the time because i was nearing the end of the worst depressive episode of my entire life, and the sun not being able to peek out of the trees like it had in late may last summer and every summer before that was something so insignificant yet something that really was sending me off the edge. i didn't realize how far off the edge i already was at the time. my other best friend had just started taking medication for her depression, which manifested very differently in ways that mine didn't. she was mad. she was resentful. between the few moments that she was the same laughing, loving girl i'd always known, she hated me and our other friends and hated herself more. my cousin likewise had depression so bad he couldn't get out of bed. he hadn't been to school in three months. i wasn't like that. i thought i was happy comparatively. i was diagnosed with OCD the year before and thought that was an explanation. it took getting a new therapist and unpacking my behavior back then to understand what was really happening. i never cried. when i did, it was violent. it came in bursts that lasted all afternoon. i started and i didn't stop until i fell asleep. i threw things, i refused to talk to anybody. i was failing math, which i've never done before. i couldn't understand a thing. i didn't even care to try. i hated myself. the only thing i ate was a bowl of craisins at school every day because i couldn't physically force myself to eat. i thought i was just tired even though i got ten hours of sleep every day. i was always exhausted. my therapist couldn't diagnose me because after years of being taught i had to be perfect, i refused to tell even her that there was something wrong. i thought i was stupid, i thought i was ugly, i thought i was worthless. i thought i was just experiencing what it's like to be twelve years old.

so, another rainy and overly misty sunday afternoon passed me by as i reached the ending of the fourth episode, and finally, the fated song that i'd been hearing all over tiktok and didn't quite understand yet started playing out of max's walkman. i watched the entire scene with my grandma barking questions at me about why i was tearing up.

running up that hill was my most played song of 2022, just ahead of africa by toto.

now i'm not going to say that stranger things brought me out of said depressive episode, because it didn't. the four months ahead of me were four of the hardest of my life still to this day, just as the six before them had already been. but i've grown a lot since then, and two years later when i was in spain alone, sick and crying, experiencing a little week long bout of similar feelings to the ones i felt when i first watched season four, the show weirdly managed to find me again.

the week before i had left to study abroad in spain i had learned that i got a B+ in math instead of an A- in math because my teacher wouldn't round up my 89.9%. it might seem trivial especially because a B+ is incredible process from the algebra i had nearly failed for the second time in the row the year before, but sometimes things like that can be enough to cause somebody to fall back into old habits and feelings. estranged from everybody and everything i'd turned into coping mechanisms for hard times like these when i was literally half the world away, i didn't know what to do. so, when i was in my dorm with food poisoning from a salad i'd eaten the night before, i decided to press on the byler analysis video that had popped up in my youtube feed. such began what i've been calling my "stranger things renaissance"- a second stranger things phase that's been going on since late june.

not to sound overly bylerish, but i've been seeing a lot of parallels between this summer and the summer season four came out. for reasons out of my control, i've been forced to spend a lot of time alone. this summer when i've started feeling lonely, i've taught myself that rather than overthink, to channel it into something else like writing, or doing something that will calm me down. now when i'm home alone and haven't seen a friend in a few days, i'm not sad anymore. i think "well damn" and then i move on with my night. i'm no longer depressed. with the help of my new therapist, i've gotten really close to growing out of my OCD. i no longer have to pray every night. i don't wake up in a cold sweat if i go to bed at 10:31 instead of a "perfect number" like 10:30 or 10:35. i rarely lock my bedroom door anymore. and no, it's not perfect yet. i'm not "cured"- i still have my crying episodes. i still have moments, even though they're few and far between now, where i feel the same way i did back when i was twelve.

but i'm moving on. things have shifted in my life. i've grown up and this show has with me. i started watching it on halloween of 2019 when i was in fifth grade and my friends and i did the "goodbye mike" trend in my basement. i watched the first three episodes that night and finished it for the first time during covid. it was with me through that hard time back in the day, and for some strange (haha) reason, it's with me now, and will probably continue to be with me until the show ends, because like as typically happens when i fall back into obsession with something i liked when i was a little younger, (the mcu, harry potter which remanifested in the marauders) it becomes more than a phase, but a part of me in some weird way.

stranger things may have its flaws and it might not end the way i wanted it to, but for the rest of my life it will be special to me regardless. i'm finally for the first time in my life older than the characters. i was seven when season one came out, eight when season two, ten during season three, 12-13 and season four, and will be 16 in season five.

so thanks, stranger things, for helping me, and thanks even more for showing her that there's nothing wrong with the many different aspects of her that she'd been led to believe were wrong. as corny as it sounds, she couldn't have done it without you 🫶

(say hi to baby lucy, because it's always more fun with pictures, and because depression can happen to anybody no matter what they might look or act like on the surface)

rip 2022 lucy, you would have loved the byler sunset pictures that you somehow would have found a way to relate to reddie and your best friend that you were highkey in love with. you also would have loved mike wheeler if i could explain who he really is to you because said in an EARLY analytical essay that "All I really gained from season four though was that I absolutely hate older Mike and that I wish he would’ve died instead of Max." in the same essay you say you wish you could throw mike of a cliff. oh the irony. (please laugh)

ps: if you ever find yourself feeling anything like what i described in this post, know that it gets better even if it seems like that's what everybody says and it seems like it never will. there were times back then when i didn't even know if i'd make it to the age i am right now, and now i'm at one of the happiest points ive ever been in my life. know that even if we've never talked before, i love you and i believe in you. my blog is always a safe place if anybody out there ever needs anybody to talk to.

[foxymoxynoona]

Would you ever do a second book for amended maybe something or even a Drabble that mentions Ezra growing a resentment for his Dad. I feel like many kids sort of don’t realise the weight of their parent’s actions and as they get older it sinks in more and you see the person in a different light. It’s always confused me how Ezra would of watched his dad speak down about his mother and physically harm her and that not have a permanent effect on him especially with how much that effected him with not trusting other men with her. I just never understand he’d want a relationship with his dad after that.

The closest thing I can think is that he just doesn’t understand the weight and desperately wanted to find the good in his dad. But would that not rest on his shoulders knowing and having those memories as he gets older that his dad abused his mum. Would he not stray from wanting a relationship with him???

Sort of two questions in here so I'll break them apart! Also this gets long SORRY I haven't gotten to dig in like this on a question in a while :)

I never say never, but I haven't yet thought of what I'd really want to say in it. I could easily fill it with just domestic life, but that's why I've been doing so many drabbles for this story (and have many more ahead). I had thought of a bigger plot at one point but on reflection it felt forced. sometimes it's better to just let characters have their peace except for occasional check-ins haha. I've thought about just letting it focus on the kids growing up, career changes, and fostering, and possibly JK having to deal with his father getting released from prison over in Korea. Maybe someday I'll have the time and focus to write it!

Regarding Ezra and his father, this is a really complicated situation that sadly I think many are familiar with! It's very understandable to me to want to be loved and treated well by your parents, who you expect to be the first loves in your life, and for it to be very hard to recognize either that they don't, or that their behavior outside of that just isn't something you can endure/want to have a relationship with regardless of their love. Sometimes children, even once they are adults, simplify their parent as a person in order to have a relationship with them despite even major shortcomings in the parent, make excuses, or ignore in an effort to still have even a ghost of a parent-child relationship. Other times children cut their parents out of their life once they're adults, or even younger will refuse to see them. The situations just can vary so much, and how an individual views their own situation, and no two people will likely evaluate the situation/relationship quite the same. For some personal examples, my dad had a lot of problems as a dad while I was growing up. Now that I'm an adult, I have learned to define boundaries and protect myself, and he has changed in some ways that I needed him to, and so we have a pretty good relationship despite the hard things from my childhood that can't be undone. I know many of the things that made him the way he was, and while it doesn't undo the harm passed onto me, I do understand and make my own decisions about it all. I evaluate how he was as a kid, how he is now, how he responds when I enforce boundaries, and we do pretty well! He's a fantastic grandfather to my kids, it's so different than how he was as a father. I also limit my expectations in ways that others might find sad or too much compromise, but it's acceptable to me and how I feel in our relationship. My husband has a similar relationship with his dad, even though he has to overlook some really big things, but he cut his mother out of our lives years ago and has no regrets. I have a friend who's dad was an alcoholic when he was a child, he's sober now, they are very close but they do NOT ever talk about the childhood trauma of that. He also doesn't understand why my husband would refuse to forgive his mom because "she's your mom, you have to forgive her." I wouldn't condemn any of us as doing the wrong thing, I'd just say we are each evaluating our situations our own way. I think there's always a dream that the problem parent will recognize their issues, change, and initiate conversation and apology with their child --but that often doesn't happen, and it doesn't undo the harm, and it should be up to the child in the relationship to decide what they want the future to look like. It can also be really hard for children to enforce boundaries or walk away from the very first authority figure and who should be the most foundational-loving person in their lives, and accept that their parent will never be that for them. That's heartbreaking. I can understand why many people struggle to give up on that, even when it seems obvious it won't happen.

For Ezra, I think throughout the book he is already aware his dad has problems and mistreats his mom. There are several times he intervenes or calls his dad out for bad behavior. But he also desperately wants his dad to love him because he's young and knows that's what dads are supposed to do --and to love him enough to change. Which maybe Landon seems to do later in the book, though not necessarily recognizing and apologizing for past behavior. Maybe as Ezra gets older he still sees too much behavior he can't tolerate in his father and cuts ties, especially since he sees such positive modeling in his stepfather, or maybe he keeps a careful but not-close relationship with his dad to get what he can from the relationship while protecting himself, or maybe he just finally has the day where he says enough is enough, he doesn't want that relationship anymore because he can't condone his dad's behavior past and present.

This 'sins of the father' theme is actually mirrored in Isabella AND her mom AND her grandma AND Jungkook with his father. Jungkook cuts ties and wishes his dad was dead, wants no relationship, but also worries about whether he's bad because his dad was bad (Ezra may want to believe Landon can be good because if not, does that mean he's not good either?) Isabella can't bring herself to cut ties with her mom UNTIL she finally does, and a big piece of that for her is not tolerating the way Colleen treats Jungkook, as well as seeing healthy relationships modeled in the Jeon family. She was willing to put up with abuse towards herself (because she's my mom! that's just how moms are!) but drew the line at how her partner was treated and realized she deserved better too. Colleen mostly threw out her relationship with her own mom/Isabella's grandmother for protecting the predator grandfather and resentment over never recognizing or handling family pains, but also doesn't totally end the relationship either and she definitely doesn't recognize how she also does all those exact same things with Isabella. But she also steals and mooches from GG, so in a way she maintains the relationship to get vengeance, and maybe some small hope that her mother will recognize her mistakes and apologize. It never happens. Isabella maintains a much closer relationship with GG but in the story struggles with the fact after GG's death that she can't reconcile the woman she knew and loved with the things she did/hid.

Going with those themes, if I was writing this in the future, I would propose that Ezra maintains this relationship with Landon because he wants his father to change for the better, and believes in the good parts of him, because sometimes there are good parts of him. And we do see Landon doing better towards the end of the story. Maybe he will mature more and better understand his past issues and put forth the full effort to make amends (hehe, see what i did there? Amendment? The title was intentional 😉)

But while younger Ezra was a product of Isabella struggling to recognize the treatment she deserved and protect herself from bad relationships, he also watches his mom grow and improve at that, and he now has a stepfather who has managed that in his own life. So I do think Ezra's tolerance will have limits as he gets older and if Landon betrays those expectations, he would end the relationship. There may even be a day Ezra actually wants a sit down to talk about those things, breaking the Desmond 'don't tall about it' family rule, and the future of his relationship depends on Landon's response. Ezra sees firsthand now that men don't have to be like that, and that nobody (him, Mom, JK) has to tolerate being mistreated, and that you can end the bad relationships in your life, even with a family member. You will survive and be loved properly by other people.

I'll just reiterate though, it's fun and easier to dissect this from outside and about a fictional relationship. In real life, these relationships are complicated. Families are complicated. Sometimes cutting out a family member or friend is easy and gratifying, and other times it's really challenging. It can be hard to ever be objective about the family you were literally raised in/by!

[lassieposting]

Oh? Lassie can't be in the same room with her mother without fighting?

Yeah story of my fucking life tbh

I don't think that's a you thing. I think that's an autism thing. We require our own little caves we can bolt into and isolate in

Close quarters living where other people are on top of you all the time is like, hell. Sooner fuck off into a field and live in a patchy old tent than suffer the physical proximity of others all the time

But hold on, why is it a minimum of six months? You can't take your test again for that long why? How does this work?

---

Oh it's just the covid backlog - six months is roughly the waiting list time for new driving test appointments. It's gridlock until then.

Honestly it's weird because I've always been so close to my mom. She's always been my only friend, right up until my mid-20s. We've always been each other's favourite person, we've always been highkey codependent, we've always liked spending time together. But since all this drama with her evil ex, I just. Idek what changed? I'm angry and resentful all the time. When we're together, I'm short-tempered and taciturn and I constantly have to check myself so I don't start rows over nothing. I'm realising ways she unintentionally messed me up or made me miss out on stuff as a kid, even though she was doing her best, and I'm feeling bitter and grudgey about it. I'm sick to death of never having anyone in my life offline because she chose to never have friends and our family sucks ass, and she always stuck me in stupid little rural villages where I never fit in or made friends of my own. I totally understand that she is introverted in the extreme and socially anxious, but at the same time, her refusal to have any kind of support system also deprived me of one. I have a lot of very contradictory feelings about her right now and I'm finding that hard. She's always been the one thing in my life that was unequivocally good, the one thing that stopped me offing myself because I'd never do that to her. But now I'm like...its your fault I'm here suffering in the first place, why am I always shouldering the consequences of your shitty life choices?

Idk. It's ugly and messy and since we can't get therapy or space from each other idk if it will ever get fixed. This is all the evil ex's fault. I want to take her throat out with my teeth.

[xoxo-teddybear]

Goodbyes- Bakugou Katsuki

Bakugou x f!reader (ft. Katsumi, yours and Katsuki’s daughter )

Warnings: Angst, Cursing, Bad Father-Daughter relationship, slight SLIGHT SLIGHT (like 0.00000000000001%) fluff, intense kiss cuz Katsuki’s a SLUT

Summary: Years have passed and even so, Bakugou never gave up on you. You or Katsumi. You were both his family. His girls. He needed the both of you. And he will do everything in his power to bring you both back to him, but his now 16 year old daughter doesn’t plan on making it easy for him.

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

Pt.1 Pt.2

11 years have passed since you left Katsuki that day. That horrid day. After leaving the house of hell, you went to Mina’s place to see your daughter. You saw her, happy, with her uncles and aunt. Her world was about to change and so you had to give her every ounce of happiness she could possibly get. You decided it would be best for both of you to stay in the welcoming home a little longer.

While continuing Katsumi’s play date, Mina had suggested you and Katsumi stay with her and Kirishima, but you declined. You knew it would be too easy for Katsuki to find you both and you knew he wouldn’t stop trying if he knew you were both at such easy access. And so, after hours and hours of Katsumi having the time of her life, it was time to bring her to her new home. For the time being at least.

After you left the happy couple’s house, you and Katsumi stayed in a hotel for the time being. It was a very nice place. Plenty of other kids for Katsumi to get along with, luxury rooms, and a pool! You both had stayed there for about a month until you found a gorgeous little house where you and Katsumi could call home. Not only was it spacious, luxurious, and all around amazing, if was far, far away from the previous home your shared with your soon-to-be ex husband.

You both had finally moved in, but that was the least of your problems. Like you told Katsuki, you allowed him to be a part of your daughter’s life. You allowed him to take care of her for 2 weeks, and then it was your turn. 2 weeks would pass and it would be his turn once again. You never allowed Katsuki to know where you both where. You kept your information very hidden and made sure your young daughter wasn’t capable of telling her father the new address whenever she was in his custody. You also never allowed Katsuki to pick Katsumi up. You always dropped her off, but never in a vehicle of your own. Can’t risk having him look up and track down your license plate. And if you couldn’t drop her off, you’d have Kirishima or Mina do it.

As time went on Katsumi continued to ask what was going on. Why was her life suddenly so different? She had asked Katsuki before, but he always told her it was a conversation she should have with her mom. When she asked you, you just smiled at her and told her “Things are changing right now, so it’ll just be me and you for a bit. But a Mommy-Daughter play date sounds fun doesn’t it? And it’ll last for a long time~” you said, hinting at what could possibly be the end of Katsumi and Katsuki’s relationship.

Thankfully, Katsumi liked the sound of that. Even though she was a daddy’s girl, she loved her mommy just as much! Of course her head would constantly be filled with thoughts of Katsuki but what can you do? You can’t bring her back to the cheater. Not permanently at least. You just...can’t.

Katsumi wasn’t the only one who was constantly thinking about family. Katsuki also had his face in every screen, every device, every piece of paper that might be able to help him find you. After you left him, he fell into a deep depression. He lost his two girls and it drove him mad. Even though he got to see Katsumi every 2 weeks, he knew that soon, she’d be old enough to be allowed to know what had happened. He was constantly on the lookout for you and where you could possibly be staying and with his friends refusing to help him, he concluded that for this job, he was on his own. He didn’t care. He had to find you again. He was going to bring his family back together.

—

A few years had passed. 6 to be exact. Katsumi was now 11 and she had questions. Why does life have to be like this? How long will the family be separated? Will we ever be together again? Due to all the confusion, Katsumi began to lash out constantly. It was like she was a mini version of her father. She needed answers. She needed to be led out of the dark. She needed to know. And it was time you told her. And boy, did you tell her something.

“Katsumi...your father left..because of me. I’m sorry. I was a horrible wife..and he just couldn’t take it anymore. It was understandable as to why he left..so..don’t be mad at him. Okay?” Y/N told her daughter.

Yup. You lied to her. You lied to your Katsumi but you had your reasons. A girl should think well of her father. Especially when that girl considered her father to be her best friend. So no, you didn’t tell Katsumi that the real reason you were separated was because her father cheated on you. You just couldn’t. Not when you knew Katsuki held the most important relationship in his daughter’s heart.

The relationship between a father and daughter is something irreplaceable. Something special. You couldn’t ruin it for her. So you were okay with her being mad at you, for her blaming you. As long as she was satisfied with her father-daughter “relationship,” that was good enough for you.

However, even though you put the blame on yourself, it didn’t stop Katsumi from being mad at her father too. He should’ve stayed. He should’ve tried to work things out. You both were her parents! You couldn’t even at least try to stay together for the sake of her? After finding out the “truth,” Katsumi did indeed grow resentment towards her dad. You were right in the end, and she no longer wanted to see him. That was fine with you. She could hate him, but as long as she didn’t know he was truly a scum, then that was settling as well.

Anger and fury resided in Katsumi. It bubbled up inside her and for the first 3 years in her teenage life, she was a child straight out of hell. Constantly in trouble, constantly taking out her anger on the world. You couldn’t blame her though, it was Katsuki’s fault she was like this. And you soon realized it was your fault since you lied to her too. Even so, you still didn’t tell her the truth. You opted to allowing Katsumi to express herself but with you and you only.

Katsumi was a good child at heart, but she was just lost in the dark. So when her mother allowed her to take her anger out on her, Katsumi did NOT lay a fist on her mother. Instead, she broke down. She broke down hard. Like she’s been broken all along.

“Was I not a good enough reason for him to stay?!” She sobbed out in anger as tears flowed down her face. You held your daughter as she cried and tore down all her walls she spent years building up. “I understand if your relationship was tough..but I hoped that maybe he would’ve came back to try for me at least. How could he just run away?! I just want my parents together. I just want to be considered! I’m not like other kids! I don’t have a family!!”

“I’m sorry, Katsumi.” You would whisper into her hair as she balled her eyes out. You didn’t expect your rebellious and strong child to be so..torn. You knew she was broken and you tried to help however you could but you never expected a meltdown. You were glad it happened though. After that day, followed a few more breakdowns. It was like Katsumi was opening the gates to allow everything to be bare just for her mother to see.

Her mother. Someone she now fully and completely trusts. Someone she loves. She allowed her mother to see all her cracks and damaged pieces. And thank god she did because now your mother-daughter relationship was better than ever. Katsumi replaced the thoughts of her father with happy memories of you. Instead of her father, her mother became her keeper, her guardian, her protector, her hero.

—

You smile as you look back on the journey you and your daughter traveled on. A happy family of 3, to a sad and confused duo, to a timid and raging two, to finally a content and happy mother and daughter. It’s been one hell of a ride for you, but if it meant reaching Katsumi’s happiness, then you’d happily do it all again.

“G’morning mom!” Katsumi happily said as she walked into the kitchen.

“There’s the beautiful birthday girl!” You happily said as you turned to your 16 year old daughter. Katsumi was no longer harmful towards others. Your once brutal and ruthless bully of a daughter became a sweet, sassy, and fun teenage girl. She was happy now. The sadness and anger finally left...at least, that’s what you thought. And that’s what she thought too. But the inner Katsumi was still in shambles...just..nobody knew that. Not even herself.

Katsumi was quick to jump onto you and give you a hug. She loved you. You became her best friend, her rock. Her protector and hero. It was always you two against the world and Katsumi wouldn’t have it any other way. “Not to be ‘self absorbed’ or anything, but are we doing anything special today?”

“Welll~ I know we haven’t seen them in a few months but I pulled some strings and so! Uncle Kiri, Uncle Denki, Uncle Sero, and of course Auntie Mina will be coming over to celebrate your 16th birthday!” You said with enthusiasm. You watched as your daughter’s jaw drop in happiness as tears of joy began to fill her eyes.

“Seriously?!” She asked with excitement and watched as you nodded your head. She jumped onto you once more and squeezed you tight. “Mom, that’s amazing! Thank you!”

You smiled as your daughter beamed with happiness. It’s been awhile since the Bakusquad (minus Bakugou) came to see Katsumi. Everytime they left their homes, Bakugou grew suspicious and assumed they were seeing Katsumi (and you of course), and even though he was right, he couldn’t know that. So to keep your location hidden from Katsuki, they had to stop seeing you and Katsumi for some time. After a few months, they decided it was perfect for them to pop up again on her 16th birthday, a very special time in a young girl’s life.

“Anything for you Sweetie! C’mon, I made your birthday breakfast and then we can get ready for the day. They’ll be here very soon!” You said to your daughter. She nodded and you both took your seats at the island, enjoying the delicious meal.

Growing up, Katsumi did indeed have friends, but they were more like school friends. She only talked to them in an educational environment but outside of school, her best friend was her mother. She was all she needed. Her friends were her aunt and uncles and that’s why she was more than happy to spend her 16th birthday with just them.

—

Katsuki looked at the date. His heart stung in pain as he stared down at the calendar.

“Katsumi’s birthday.....happy birthday Baby Bear.” He said in a broken voice. The same broken voice he had that day you left him. The same broken voice he’s had ever since you left him.

It’s been 11 years since you left. It’s been 5 since Katsumi decided she no longer wanted anything to do with him. Katsuki felt like he lost everything and in a way, he did. Even so, he kept the house the same in hopes that one day you’d return.

Over a decade has passed and Katsuki still holds hope that maybe..maybe if he prays long and hard enough..if he remains hopeful..his world will go back to normal.

Katsuki was so lost in thought that he didn’t even realize his own friends were possibly going to visit you and Katsumi. It wasn’t until he heard his phone ding and looked to see a notification from Denki to the Bakusquad group chat. Denki must’ve realized he texted the wrong chat room because he never sent another text. Coming to that conclusion, Bakugou assumed something was going on and so he got ready to make a quick trip to his best friend’s house to get in the know. This was a stretch considering they never told him anything about you, which he’ll agree is deserved, but regardless he won’t stop trying.

He got ready and once he was done he was right out the door. As he pulled up to the house he noticed not only Kirishima and Mina, he saw Sero and Kaminari. Something was definitely up. He pulled over to the side and just watched. He saw the 4 friends talking and laughing and finally, he saw the gifts. That’s what gave it away. He watched as the friends packed gifts into their cars and once he saw Kirishima bring a cake, that was all the confirmation Katsuki needed. They were going to see you. They knew where you were.

Katsuki stayed hidden as he followed his friends on the road. He stayed a few cars behind and took on a slow pace. Thankfully, they never noticed him. As the ash blonde drove he couldn’t help but feel a little stinging in his chest and butterflies in his belly. He was so excited to see you..see his daughter..his family.

The drive felt like forever and it probably was. Katsuki looked at his location on the map and it was then that he really saw how far you had moved. It hurt his heart realizing how much you really didn’t want to see him but the fact that he was going to reunite with you soon was overcoming any negative thoughts or feelings. Eventually, his friends ahead of him had arrived and of course, Katsuki followed. The blonde parked a little ways off from the house and waited. He figured that seeing him would cause some shock throughout the home. Katsuki didn’t expect you or Katsumi to be happy to see him but he didn’t care. He’s willing to go through whatever to bring you both back. So, instead of going in right away, he allowed you and Katsumi to enjoy yourselves for some time before he went in and crashed the place.

—

“Happy birthday to you~”

“Blow out the candles, sweetie!” You said while holding the cake. Katsumi smiled, took a tiny breath, and took out the small flames. You all clapped for the now 16 year old girl and you placed the cake down. Playful banter and happy talks were discussed all around as you began to cut the cake and pass around slices.

“I can’t believe our little Katsumi’s all grown up!” Kaminari sobbed into Sero’s shoulder. The slender man made a face of disgust as slobber got all over him and pushed the electric blonde off.

“We’re so happy we got to see you today, kid.” Sero said to the smiling little lady.

“I’m really glad I got to see you guys too! You really made this birthday something special. I love you guys! Especially you, Mom. Thanks for everything.” Katsumi said as she walked to you and wrapped her arms around you.

“I’d give the whole world for you Katsumi. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. Your smile s’all I’ll need.” You said while rubbing soft circles onto her back. You released the hug as chatter grew again.

On the outside, Bakugou was pressed with his back against the door. He was lucky it was pretty late, so no one would take notice of the pro hero snooping on some “random” house. As Bakugou listened in on the party inside, he teared up at the sound of the singing. What you all didn’t know was that on the other side of the door, Bakugou was also singing and wishing his daughter a happy birthday. Although it was Katsumi’s day, Bakugou took her wish, and begged for his family back.

He stayed outside the door for awhile but the sound of his name made his ears perk. “So..how are things with Bakugou?”

—

You rolled your eyes at Mina’s question. “C’mon. Seriously? Like I’d know.” You laughed a little.

“Y/N, I’m being serious. Katsumi’s 16 now. She hasn’t seen Bakugou in 5 years. Don’t you think it’s a little tough on both of them?” Your pink friend asked. You soften your eyes a bit as you looked towards your hands

“....Of course I do, Mina. Katsumi has always been a daddy’s girl.” You said while looking towards your daughter, who was laughing with her uncles. “She loves him...and so do I. But it was her choice to not see him. ....She thinks I don’t know it, but I’m well aware of just how bad Katsuki’s absence is hurting her. She puts up a strong facade, but I’m her mother and I can see through it. She misses him but she’s too hurt by what happened.”

“But still, what about Bakugou? I know what he did was horrible-“

“Extremely.”

“Right. But he’s still my friend. He tells us everything. He’s so broken by what happened and I’m not saying you should forgive him but if Katsumi misses her dad as much as Bakugou misses the both of you, maybe she should consider seeing him again.” Mina mentioned. You couldn’t believe yourself but you honestly began to consider it.

Back with Katsuki, his eyes widened a bit. A small smiled grew on his face and tiny tears of joy filled his eyes. He made a reminder to thank Mina for her recommendation for you. If you agreed to it, he might get his Baby Bear back. ..He might get you back too. However, a sudden voice made his hopes shaky.

—

“No, she shouldn’t.”

You and Mina both looked behind you to see your daughter standing there. You both held shocked expressions as you watched her.

“..Katsumi..you don’t ever think of seeing him again?” You asked as her expression grew a mix of hurt and anger.

“No! Not after what he did to you! What he did to us.” She said. You kicked yourself as you and Mina were reminded of the lie you told your daughter. He did hurt the two of you...just not in the way that she thinks. “If he was lucky, and his reasons were good enough, then maybe, maybe I’d forgive him. And maybe I’d go back to seeing him. But he’s gone and he’s not coming back.”

—

On the other side of the door, Katsuki grew hurt by the memories of what he did. After hearing his daughter’s words, he had enough and finally worked up the courage to knock on the door.

—

“-he’s not coming back.”

*knock* *knock* *knock*

The 3 of you looked to the door and were shocked at the new guest. Nobody else was scheduled to come. Who could it be? You watched as Kirishima went to open it and took notice of his surprised face. He said a few quiet words, nodded, and then took a few steps away from the door. He looked towards you and your daughter and you felt the whole world stop as you all looked to the man in front of you who had just stepped in.

“....Hey.”

“.....Katsuki.” You said with small tears in your eyes. You looked towards your daughter to see a sad and hurt expression on her face as her jaw slightly dropped.

“...Dad.”

—

“So.....you’re back.” You said with a broken and bittersweet voice as you stepped to him. You crossed your arms as a way to hold yourself in comfort and to put on a strong front in front of Katsuki. Only problem was, he was the man you loved and who loved you. You’ve been together since you both were babies. He knows how you truly feel.

Bakugou chuckled a bit as he put his hands in his pockets and stepped towards you. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“For what?” You quickly and sternly asked.

“For keeping my secret. You think my dumbass friends wouldn’t tell me what you did?” He began before he was interrupted.

“Hey! At least these dumbasses know it ain’t cool to crash a party!” The electric dunce said as he took another bite of cake.

“Denki!” The rest of the Bakusquad (minus Bakugou) shouted. Bakugou shook his head with a small laugh before continuing.

“Thank you for protecting Katsumi from me. You never once sold me out.” He explained with sad eyes and a hurt smiled. You used your arms to console yourself as you rubbed your sides for warmth. A warmth that only Katsuki could ever help you feel.

“Yeah well...a girl should think well of her father.” You said as you stepped to the side and you both turned to face Katsumi. She held her hands together by the fingers before dropping them and walking to her dad.

“Hi Katsumi.” Katsuki said with a loving, cracked voice. You all watched as Katsumi took small breath before speaking.

“...W-Why are you here? And what do you mean Mom never sold you out? What are you guys talking about?” She asked with her teary eyes.

“..I can answer all of those questions if you talk to me. In private, I’d prefer.” Bakugou said. Katsumi shook her head no before taking a few steps back.

“I don’t want to go anywhere with you.” She said.

“Katsumi,” the said girl looked to her mother who called for her. “You should talk to him.”

“What?” The Bakusquad said.

“What?” Katsumi said.

“What?” Bakugou said.

“There’s some things that you need to know.” You turned to Bakugou as you said this part. “Some things that only you can tell her. That you should tell her. .....You both can talk on the patio.”

“Mom, I don’t want to-“

“I’m not asking, Katsumi. I’m telling you. Go talk to your father. There’s something that you should know.” You sternly said to your daughter. She only stared at you for a minute before looking towards Bakugou and walking to the patio. Bakugou looked towards you and saw you nod your head for approval to follow her. Before he left he pulled you in for a hug. As much as you wanted to hate it, you couldn’t. His scent engulfed you and his warmth finally reached you after so many years. You missed him and your mind and body were quick to give in. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he held onto you by your waist. He embraced all of you and melted into your soft touch that he so dearly missed.

“Thank you, Y/N......I love you.” He whispered into your neck only for you to hear. You nodded, but he knew you still felt the same way when you squeezed him tighter. He smiled at that, and you both finally released each other before he walked to his daughter who was waiting outside.

He opened the back door to find his daughter waiting at the outdoor table. He took a seat across from her and just smiled. She’s really here. In front of him. He finally got to see not only the love of his life but his precious little girl as well.

“...It’s so good to see you, Baby Bear....you’ve grown so much.” He softly said to her. She looked up with sad, angry eyes as she glared at him.

“....Why are you here, dad?” She said in a hurt tone. Bakugou held a shaky smile as she said that word. Dad. Granted, it was no longer daddy but it was something. He loved it either way. He needed to hear it.

“A lot of reasons. To wish my daughter a happy 16th...to apologize..and explain..to see my daughter..my family-“

“We’re not your family. You left us. You don’t leave family.” Katsumi sternly interrupted.

“Right...‘I left you guys.’ ......Baby Bear-“

“Don’t call me that.”

Ouch. That hurt Katsuki’s heart. Broke it even more than it already was. “...There’s something I have to tell you. Something your mother didn’t. Something she lied to you about..to protect me.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Mom is perfect! And amazing! She would never lie to anyone especially me!” Katsumi pointed out as she raised her voice at her father.

“She really is perfect and amazing...and I was dumb enough to lose her. Katsumi...I know your mom told you that I left you both..but in reality...She..left me.” Bakugou said. It felt like lead fell onto his body as he watched his daughter fall into confusion.

“N-No...no you’re lying!” Katsumi said as she stood up and slammed her hands on the table. Katsuki didn’t flinch as he expected this reaction. “She wouldn’t! She wouldn’t tear apart our family..she..she wouldn’t do that...to..to me.” She said as her voice progressively got softer with each word. “Quit lying and just admit that you left us! That you put me and Mom through hell!” Her voice rose once more. “Was I not enough for you to stay?! What did I do that was wrong?! I thought we were the perfect family! I thought...we were happy. Was I not a good enough reason to stay? You couldn’t even try for me? For your daughter? You didn’t even take my feelings into consideration when you left. You didn’t even think about me, Dad.”

Bakugou couldn’t believe it. Your lie was supposed to protect Katsumi, but instead it installed all these insecurities she now has. His friends had told him Katsumi was finally happy..but he guessed she hid all her thoughts..just like he would. She really was his daughter. “Katsumi...it wasn’t like that.”

“You’re lying!!!” Katsumi screamed to herself as tear drops began to fall.

“Katsumi! It’s been 11 years since your mother left me and 5 since I got to see you!” He said with a hurt voice. “Do you honestly think I would wait this long, spend years to find your new home, and come all the way out here just to lie to you?” He watched as his daughter’s face fell as she realized he wasn’t lying. He watched as her faith in her mother deteriorated. He couldn’t let that happen. “Don’t be mad at her though. Be mad at me. She had every reason to leave.”

“..What did you do?” She asked unbothered. She doesn’t care about anything anymore. She doesn’t think she could get any more hurt. Her best friend and mother lied to her about something so crucial. What could possibly make it worse? Katsuki felt his heart beat all around his body. He grew nervous and his palms grew sweatier than usual.

“...I-..Katsumi..*sigh* ...I’m so sorry, Baby Bear.” He slightly sobbed. Katsumi now grew interested. She couldn’t remember much but from what she could, she doesn’t think she ever saw her father cry. Even in the worst situations, he never broke. He always put up a strong front for the world. For her.

“Dad?...” she asked as she sat up in her chair.

“....Katsumi...your mom left me..because I cheated on her.”

There it was. The truth was finally revealed to Katsumi. Plain and simple. Her E/C eyes popped as angry tears filled them. Hurt. Betrayal. Fury. All those emotions she abandoned years ago all came rushing back through her. She began to shake as her breath grew heavy. Bakugou apologized over and over with his head down. Katsumi felt her palms grow hot as they began to spark. Out of anger, she screamed and hit her father with an explosion. The same explosions she got from him.

She watched as her father flew back a few feet and cringed in slight pain. Her blast wasn’t intended to hurt him completely but was more meant to keep him at a distance. She watched as Bakugou got up from the floor and faced her again. Her tears fell heavy as a shadow casted over her eyes. Screw the distance. She ran to him and began punching his chest with everything she had. Thanks to his training, and Katsumi’s distraught state, Katsuki felt little to no pain. He could only look down in heart break as he watched his daughter become a mess due to his actions.

“H-How could you?!” She said as she continued to hit him. “How could you do that to us?! TO MOM! TO ME!” She said and finally looked to her father, showing him her tears, cherry red rose, and puffy eyes. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU PUT US THROUGH?! Do you have any idea what kind of hell Mom went through?! Mom doesn’t know it but I saw her face! I saw the tear streaks in the mornings, her red, swollen eyes! I saw her sadness behind her happy cover! And not to mention what I did to her! My family broke and I became a little terror. I caused Mom hell. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, DAD! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH?! I had to leave my home! I had to move away from my friends! My family! I HAD TO LOSE MY FAMILY! I HAD TO LOSE YOU!!”

Inside the house, the group of friends could hear everything. All the yelling, the shouting. The anger and pain. Y/N had rivers flowing down her face as she covered her sobs with her hand. Her friends settled around her and comforted her through this horrible time. Outside, Bakugou’s face went into a slight shock at his daughter’s last sentence. “W-What?”

“I had to lose you, Dad! You think I don’t remember? You were my best friend. My idol and hero. To me, it never got better than you. ...But you did this? You betrayed Mom. You betrayed me. I love you, Dad, I still do...but I guess you never loved me or Mom.” Katsumi said as she looked down again.

“Katsumi that’s not true. I love both of you with my entire being-“

“So then why’d you do it?” His daughter asked with her voice, laced with pain.

“I was drunk and made a stupid mistake. It’s a day I completely regret because it was the day I tore apart my family and lost everything.” Bakugou said.

“Tch, you didn’t lose anything at all! You still have the house, the money, the fame, the fans. You’re still a pro, you still have everything!” Katsumi shouted.

“I don’t have you or your mother.” Silence grew at the beginning of his confession. “Like I said, you both are my entire being. Yes, I love my job and I’m grateful for everything I’ve earned and accomplished but I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant I’d get to bring you and your mother back home to me. I don’t care about anything else other than the two of you. You haven’t seen me in the past 5 years and in the last 11 years when you did see me when you came over, you never saw my broken side. You never saw how distraught I was. You never saw the hell I went through because I don’t have the two of you, at home, with me.”

Bakugou stepped to his daughter and wrapped his arms around her to hold her. She allowed him to do so and began to silently cry in his chest. She refused to hold him back as her head was still in a cloud of confusion. Does she forgive him? Go back to seeing him? Try to bring her family back together? What to do, what to do.

“I’m sorry for everything I put you through Katsumi. Both you and your mother. I ruined our family and it’s something I’ve regretted for over a decade. But I won’t let you both go. I will do everything in my power to bring our family back together so we can be happy again. And I’m starting here, by telling you the truth.” Bakugou explained. Silence grew once more and Katsumi had finally made her decision.

“Well I suggest you stop trying..’cuz you’re never bringing us back.” Katsumi said as she pushed her father off of her and narrowed her eyes at him. Bakugou stared at his daughter with wide eyes.

“What?” He asked with an exasperated voice.

“You committed the ultimate betrayal. You broke Mom’s heart, betrayed me and her, and broke this family apart. You ruined us. We’ve finally picked ourselves back up and I don’t think we should let the guy who wrecked our world come back into it. ...I’m glad you came and told me the truth..thank you for that..hope you get home safe.” Bakugou was hurt but he understood where she was coming from. He watched as his daughter began to walk away but he wanted to keep her around as long as he could. He knew this probably would be the last time he would get to see her for awhile.

“I’m sorry!” He said with a sob. He watched Katsumi flinch to his sudden booming voice and turn to him. Bakugou looked at his daughter with teary eyes. “You..you turned out great. You’re the best daughter I could ever ask for. Your Mother did a great job at raising you...I just wish I could say the same.”

As Katsumi took in his words, she could feel a heavy weight fly off of her chest. “.....Woah.”

“What?” Bakugou asked.

“...F-For so long, I’ve been mad at the world. For a period of time, I was mad at mom. But for the past 11 years, I always thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was a problem..and I was so broken and mad,” Katsumi looked up to her father with tears at the ends of her eyes and a tiny smile. “I-...I’m not mad anymore...thanks to you.”

Katsumi ran back to her dad and wrapped her arms around him. Bakugou was shocked but felt the tears build up again. He wrapped his arms around her and held his daughter tight for as long as she would allow. Time passed and it was clear the both of them were trying to hold onto this father-daughter moment for as long as they could, but Katsumi knew it was time to let go. Before releasing her hold on her father, she allowed herself to say her farewells.

“Goodbye Daddy....I love you.” Was all she said before pulling away from her dad and walking back into the house. Bakugou watched her go and dropped his head as he allowed himself to cry in peace.

When Katsumi entered the house, she was quick to break down again and sob. She ran to her mother who immediately wrapped her arms around her sad daughter. They both held onto each other as Katsumi said her apologies.

“I’m so sorry Mom! There was a time where I blamed you and none of this was your fault. I’m so sorry!” She sobbed and you pulled her back so you could face her.

“It’s okay, Katsumi, it’s okay,” you whispered. “Don’t apologize for anything. None of this was your fault, okay?” Katsumi only nodded as you pulled her in for another hug. The Bakusquad offered to take her back up to her room so she could settle down and you nodded as you allowed your daughter to head to the comfort of her room. The Bakusquad went to help her cheer up and they of course brought the comedic genius, Kaminari, with them.

“Nothing brings more joy in sad times than a goofy uncle!” Kaminari said as the 4 of them walked up the stairs.

“I could name so many more things, Denki. Trust me.” Mina said as she walked along side him. You chuckled at their conversation as they walked up the stairs but soon, your attention was directed to the opening back door. Katsuki walked in with a sad expression but gave a happy glance once he saw you. He walked towards you and you gave him a sad smile.

“So...I guess now she knows.” You said to break the silence.

“Um...yeah..she knows.” Bakugou said as he looked towards the ground. “......Y/N..I’m so sorry,” he said looking back at you. “If I could go back in time and stop myself I would. Because then I would still have my family. My daughter....you. I’d still have you and Katsumi and we’d still be in the same house with another kid a few years younger than Katsumi and then maybe we’d have another on accident because everyone knows I can’t keep my hands to myself when it comes to you,” he joked sadly. You laughed at his fantasy and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t have similar thoughts.

“Yeah..just...maybe if things were different.” You said with your sad smile. Bakugou slowly went in to grab your hand and you allowed him as he moved in closer to you.

“I’m sorry, Teddy Bear-“

“Stop saying ‘sorry’ Katsuki,” you said as you threw your head back with your small smile still plastered on. You faced him again before speaking. “I know you’re sorry. But..there’s nothing that’s gonna change with it. Maybe it’s time for you to move on. Time for both of us to move on.”

Bakugou shook his head at the idea. “No. I know myself. I know I’ll never be able to let you both go. I’ll never be able to move on, even if I wanted to. But I am able to respect your wishes. If Katsumi doesn’t want to see me anymore....then I’ll give her what she wants.”

“I’m sorry, Katsuki.” You said in regards to your daughter.

“S’not your fault Teddy Bear. It’s mine, obviously. Just what happens when you’re an idiot.” He said, degrading himself. You giggled at his comment and went in to wrap your arms around his neck.

“Yeah..but you’re always gonna be my idiot.” You said into his neck. Bakugou held you tight and took in your intoxicating scent. He took the time to memorize the warmth you had, the way you smelt, the way you felt. How amazing it was to hold you in his arms. He drilled it all into his mind so he would never forget.

“I’m glad. ....I love you Y/N.” He said into your soft hair.

“......I love you too Katsuki.” You replied back with all the love you could give. You both pulled away to face each other but felt something immediately draw you back in. You pressed against each other closer than before as your lips slowly came in contact.

This was something Bakugou also drilled in. The way you tasted. Your sweet strawberry lips were something he would never forget. Something he could never resist. The kiss slowly grew more passionate and intense as Bakugou bit down on your bottom lip, releasing a very quiet moan from you. Quickly, he slipped his tongue in and you allowed it as you succumbed to him. The kiss was strong and Bakugou began to push you against a wall but when his hands traveled to the hill of your ass, gave it a squeeze, and you released another moan, you decided it was enough.

You pushed on Bakugou’s chest and kept him back a bit. He looked down at you in confusion but when he saw your small smile and little head shake he understood. He smiled down at you with sad eyes as he nodded. His hands returned to your waist and pulled you in for a final hug that you happily returned. He pulled away but not before giving you a sweet peck on your forehead. He finally stepped away from you and walked to the door. You followed him as you escorted him to the exit and with his hand on the knob, he opened it as he looked at you with the same sad smile that mirrored your own.

“Bye Y/N.” He said on the other side of the entrance.

“Bye Katsuki.” You said with your hand on the door. While he pulled on the knob, you lightly shut the door.

You both placed your backs on your own sides of the door and released a breath you both didn’t know you were holding. A heavy feeling finally hopped off your chests as you both looked up. You both knew that you weren’t letting each other go. That’d be impossible and you knew it. It was more of you both accepting the new reality. You loved each other, wholeheartedly and entirely, but this would have to be the end of your story together.

You’re not letting go...this is just goodbye.

[bazzybelle]

Magical Equality Within The World of Mages

I’ve been thinking a lot since I finished reading Any Way The Wind Blows, and there are SO many things that I still need to process. I took my time with reading it, I’ve listened to the audiobook and I plan on re-reading it several times, once I move into my new house and have THAT stress done and over with. I cannot wait to re-read it on my back porch with some iced tea and a notebook to annotate and comment on pretty much everything that gave me feelings.

But for now, there is one massive issue that I want to address, and it plays into the plot for all three books.

Warning for those who have not read Any Way The Wind Blows, this post contains spoilers, so proceed with caution. I am tagging this appropriately, but adding an extra warning just in case.

Huge thanks to @carryonsimoncarryonbaz for reading this over and making sure I didn't sound like a rambling mess.

The World of Mages is an incredibly toxic place! This is especially true for anyone who isn’t a magical powerhouse, or stupid rich.

I’m going to not focus on the obvious socio-economic bullshit, because I’m not familiar enough with the British class system to properly comment on it. But if anyone wants to add onto this with a whole meta like that, please do so!

Instead, I’m going to focus on magic use and how detrimental it can be to grow up in this world if you aren’t one of the few who are blessed with the RIGHT kind of magic (I say right kind of magic for a reason, and I’m going to come back to that). I want to focus my attention on three characters (two of whom were drawn into Smith-Richard’s fake promises, and one who was just fed up with it all): Martin Bunce, Daphne Grimm, and Agatha Wellbelove.

1) Martin Bunce: We first hear about Martin Bunce in Carry On. He’s Penny’s dad, a renowned scholar and is leading a team researching the effects of the Insidious Humdrum. He’s a highly respected individual, in his own right. Penny adores him, she only speaks his praises, and I get the feeling she gets along better with Martin, then she does with Mitali. When Penny needs help with Shep’s curse, she trusts her dad to help her after her mother flat out refuses.

While Martin is respected in the community, he isn’t a magical powerhouse. In fact, he isn’t very powerful at all. Baz makes a cheeky little comment about how he must have come from mundanity with a name like “Bunce”, and he doesn’t teach any magical classes at Watford, he focuses mainly on Linguistics.

Professor Bunce is one of the people taken in by Smith-Richard’s message, and I’m kind of glad he is. It shows that Smith-Richard’s message can reach anyone, even someone as scholarly and learned as Martin. Martin Bunce is intelligent, loving, devoted, and the apple of his family’s eye. But, when push comes to shove, all that does not matter because in the end, he isn’t as magically powerful as his wife and kids. How many times has Martin been compared to his wife? How many times has he been compared to his kids? What was it like going to Watford and having to hear about how you barely scraped by in the magical classes? His whole family is obsessed with magic, his daughter's best friend is the Most Powerful Mage. Martin is constantly surrounded by people making comments about power and magic and being strong enough as a magician.

That stuff stays with you... So when you see someone performing magic that can pull you to your full potential, of COURSE you grab onto it and hope that it’s a real thing.

Something interesting to note here; Towards the end of AWTWB, Martin casts a drinking spell, and Baz makes a comment about anyone who could cast that spell in quick succession doesn’t need a power-up. Now, was Martin truly not powerful, or did he just not have the right type of magic? Could he have been a better magician if he was able to find the right situations where his magic responded better? If he was allowed to learn in a way where his magic could have reached its full potential, without the use of a horrible curse?

I have a teaching background, and I’ve worked with a lot of kids in Inclusive Education. I’ve had to differentiate practically all of my lesson plans so that all the kids in my classroom would understand the lesson and be able to reach the goals outlined for them. Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve taught, but I look at stuff like this in the World of Mages and my teaching ear perks up.

2) Agatha Wellbelove: Another person who comes to mind, especially with not having the right kind of magic is Agatha Wellbelove. Agatha does not see herself as a very strong magician. She tells Simon that magic for her is like holding a muscle. Pair that up with a mother who is OBSESSED with magic and power and who’s got the most power, and which magical matches will bring about powerful children, and you get someone who becomes resentful of the whole effing thing! I’m not even going to touch the whole “dating the Chosen One” thing because that’s a whole other can of worms.

When we first meet Agatha, she’s already fed up with magic, and wants nothing to do with it, and I can’t say I blame her. She spends all of Wayward Son running away from magic, and meandering through life, being still so unsure of herself and of her place in the world. She calls herself a poor excuse for a magician, yet she manages to save both herself and Penny from the NowNext by summoning fire! That’s a huge flipping deal! Not everyone can do that, yet Agatha is able to summon the power inside herself to do so! Imagine the wonderful magic she could have done if she was taught in a way that spoke to her.

In AWTWB, she is the ONLY person who is able to get through to the Goats. Her magic seems to be connected to nature (if I had to guess). The Dryad, all the way back in Carry On, tells Simon that she and the others find Agatha “peaceful”. That’s her magic. Agatha was able to come full circle by finding peace with the magic she has. She was able to find a place for it. What’s sad is that she felt the need to run away and not want to have it in her life anymore. Her magic is beautiful, yet not enough.

3) Daphne Grimm: So, this is the character that stood out to me the most. Daphne is the reason I even wanted to write this commentary. Those of you who know me, know that I adore this character. Partly because, I’m obsessed with the idea that Baz has people looking out for him and who care about him.

Anyway, Ms. Daphne Grimm is the apple of my eye essentially. I love her, I adore her, and she is treated SO UNFAIRLY by the World of Mages.

What do we know about Daphne? She is Baz’s stepmum, and has four kids with Malcolm. From the first book, there are snarky little comments about Daphne’s lack or power and magic. Baz himself makes a shitty comment about how Daphne’s “blood is as thin as gruel”, even though Daphne goes out of her way to make sure he’s got food sent to his room. She’s extra careful in making sure Baz feels safe in his own home. She suggests to Malcolm that Baz should see a therapist for everything he’s been through, making her the ONLY parent who not only acknowledges her child’s trauma, but tries to do something about it!

She is a GOOD mom!

Ok, we know that Baz wears a ton of masks of indifference in Carry On, and he softens up tremendously in Wayward Son, calling her lovely while teaching him to drive a car.

We learn a lot about Daphne in Any Way The Wind Blows. Namely that Fiona has some pretty nasty opinions about her. (That comment about her kids not being legitimate, and that she’s as “thick headed as she is thin blooded”. Now, imagine you’re Daphne, and the widower of the Great Natasha Pitch asks to marry you. That’s already some MASSIVE shoes to fill. You accept, and you do the best you can, taking care of his son and being a positive presence in his life, meanwhile going to all these posh functions where EVERYONE talks about power and magic. Then to have the sister of your husband’s first wife make snarky comments about your level of power and magic.

That stuff sticks with you.

Daphne doesn’t want her kids going to Watford, the ONLY magical school in the UK (as far as we know). She wants her children to succeed and be known for everything they are capable of doing, instead of being ridiculed for all the ways they’ll come up short. According to Baz, the only reason Daphne graduated from Watford was because she was smart enough to pass every exam (yet, Fiona still makes snarky comments about her intelligence).

Daphne is well aware of how painful it can be to live in the World of Mages and not be a powerhouse magician. Like Martin, she takes matters into her own hands and seeks out a way to make herself more powerful.

It is heartbreaking to look at these three amazing, beloved characters, and think about the suffering they have had to endure by their peers. Both Daphne and Martin get frustrated when those around them question their choice to follow Smith-Richards, stating “you don’t know what it’s like”. Luckily for Daphne, Baz makes an effort to actually understand her, and doesn’t judge her. Even when Fiona mocks her, Baz defends his stepmum. When Daphne berates herself and compares herself to Natasha, Baz reflects on how Natasha would have killed him (something Daphne would NEVER do to any of her children).

We know that Watford did not allow magical creatures, or differently-abled magicians (I use this term for a reason) to study there until the Mage came around and allowed everyone into Watford. This was a great thing, because now, every magical child was given the opportunity to learn how to speak with magic.

However, it should not have stopped there. I spoke earlier on differentiation and on finding the right place for everyone’s magic. What if magicians like Martin, and Daphne, and Agatha are all powerful in their own right, and they just haven’t found their place where their magic fits? Instead of finding the right way to teach these magicians, they are left to struggle and ultimately resent their magic and the magic of the world around them.

Do I hear a social commentary on the state of standardized education? I can’t really comment on the British Educational System, nor the American one, as I am Canadian. What I can say, from my own experience in Canadian classrooms, is that for all the talk we do on making education inclusive, there is still a big push from higher ups for high grades and standardized testing. If any of my followers are British or American and care to share your two cents, feel free to do so. Let’s keep the conversation going!

I think this post might have gotten away from me. I think my point was to act as a defense for people like Daphne and Martin who found themselves fished into a scam all for the promise of feeling like they are enough in their world. I also wanted to defend people like Agatha, who did all she could to run away from all of it, only to find the place where she (and her magic) belonged.

I remember having this discussion on Discord, and one of the points that came up was that maybe The Greatest Threat to the World of Mages was this deeply ingrained prejudice over magicians with different sorts of magic. Magicians who need that extra bit of help to find their way.

We’ve seen in this series how these prejudices can threaten to split the World of Mages apart, and it looks like magicians like Penny, Baz, and Agatha are learning from these mistakes. Only time (and us fanfiction writers) will tell how they end up shaping their world for the future generations.

[nugnthopkns]

i’ll wait and i’ll listen

word count: 2.1k

warnings: mentions of deafness/hearing loss, cursing, i think that’s it

recommended listening: new song | maggie rogers & del water gap

a/n: hi! first and foremost, i want to say that this is based off my own personal experiences with a deaf father, and it is in no way a reflection of how other people or families with hearing issues operate. this is just how we live and how my dad goes about life. with that out of the way, enjoy some soft nolan content i threw together in 45 minutes. pretty sure i made this gender neutral, but please point out any mistakes!

There’s no legitimate reason for you to be so apprehensive about Nolan meeting your parents.

He’s a great person who is all you could ever ask for in a partner. The two of you get along like peas in a pod, and honestly most of the time your relationship feels like two friends hanging out. Of course there’s a bit more romance involved – but being with Nolan is so easy you barely have to think about it. 

Your parents aren’t the issue either. They’re both incredibly supportive of your relationship, and anything else you do. If it weren’t for them, you never would have left home – they’re the ones who packed the car and drove you all the way to Philadelphia. You never would have met Nolan if they hadn’t practically forced you out of the house and into the world. 

Truthfully, both parties would probably get along great. Your mother is kind and welcoming, and your father has interests similar to Nolan’s. Your younger siblings adore him – they came to visit one weekend and you took them to an afternoon game at Wells Fargo Centre, and afterwards the four of you went out for burgers. Since then they talk to him regularly, and have been begging for you to return home with Nolan. You can tell your parents are getting antsy too – after all, you’ve been with Nolan for nearly two years. 

Yes, Nolan has a busy schedule that doesn’t allow for much travel, but there have been plenty of opportunities over the years for everyone to get together. You’re the one who always comes up with a reason for him not to meet your parents. One time you were ‘sick’, another you were too busy with work to make the trip home. It isn’t that you’re worried they won’t approve or that Nolan will resent them. You’re apprehensive about bringing Nolan around because you’re worried there will be a communication barrier. 

Your dad is deaf, and Nolan doesn’t exactly enunciate his words well. His voice is also exceptionally deep, which doesn’t help much. It isn’t a secret, your father’s hearing issues, and you’ve spoken to Nolan about them numerous times. Most of the time it’s you fretting about it getting worse and he listens intently while you sob into his chest. Since the hearing loss came from years of working around loud machines, it was gradual, which was frustrating for him. You were in high school when he got hearing aides, but eventually they lost their desired effect. Now your dad relies on reading lips and other non-aural markers like hand gestures to fill in the gaps. 

“Babe, I have to meet them at some point,” Nolan says through a mouthful of pasta. “Especially since I plan on sticking around.”

Your mom had called earlier in the afternoon to ask when you were coming home next. The upcoming weekend is free in your schedule, and when you told her she insisted you bring Nolan. He’s out for the season with the migraine related issues so you couldn’t exactly lie and say he was going to be out of town. Instead, you fed her some bullshit excuse and said you’d check to see if he could move some stuff around. 

“I know,” you sigh. “I just don’t want you or my dad getting frustrated if talking doesn’t go smoothly.”

Nolan pushes his chair back from the table and walks to stand behind you. He rubs your shoulders soothingly and leans down to whisper in your ear. “There are a million and ten other ways I can communicate with him Sweetheart. Don’t worry about it.”

Deep down, you know he’s right. There’s no reason the two of them can’t communicate, even if they can’t do it verbally. After discussing it more and ironing out all your doubts, you call your mom back to let her know both you and Nolan will be coming. A small weight lifts from your chest, knowing that you’ll get the first meeting over with, but dread slowly creeps in. There are so many ways it could go wrong. 

☼☼☼☼

You and Nolan stand on the doorstep of your childhood home hand in hand. As if he can sense how nervous you are, Nolan squeezes gently, reminding you of his unwavering presence. 

“Whatever happens isn’t going to change the fact that I love you,” he says, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. 

To steady yourself from the negative thought swirling in your brain you lean closer to Nolan. He wraps his arm around your shoulder and uses his free hand to knock on the door. Less than two seconds your sister is bounding towards the door and flinging it open. 

“Mom! Y/N and Nolan are here!”

She steps to the side and lets the pair of you in. You shrug off your jacket and hang it on the rack behind the door – Nolan copies. As soon as you’re inside the entryway your mother is wrapping you in a massive hug. 

“I’m so glad you’re home darling,” she says, arms tight around you. “Was the drive okay?”

You go to answer her question but her attention is turned to your very tall boyfriend who is standing beside you like a deer caught in the headlights. 

“You must be Nolan. It’s so nice we could finally meet. Y/N has told me a lot about you.”

Nolan clears his throat before speaking, his deep voice echoing slightly off the ceiling. “All good things I hope,” he laughs, looking to you for reassurance. 

Nodding your head, you join in his laughter. You travel farther into the house, giving your brother a fistbump when you pass him in the hall. When you moved out your parents converted your room into a sophisticated guest bedroom, so there aren’t any embarrassing posters from your teenage years on the walls for Nolan to make fun of. You quickly unpack your suitcase, wanting to get back downstairs and spend time with your family. It’s been a while since you’ve been home, and you missed them more than you thought. 

“Is your dad here?” Nolan asks, hanging the couple of sweaters you guys brought up in the closet. 

You glance at the clock on the wall, you shake your head. “He’ll be home from work just before dinner.” 

The two of you head downstairs to chill with your siblings, but not without sharing a few kisses that make your spine tingle. At your brother’s insistence the four of you head to the basement to partake in an air hockey tournament. Though Nolan can hold his own in the NHL, he’s rather miserable at this iteration of the game. Your sister eliminates him in under five minutes, and after a hard fought battle you defeat your brother. 

Nolan tries to coach you before the gold medal game but you laugh him off. “Nol, you were terrible. I think I can hold my own.”

He breathes out harshly through his nose, but you know he isn’t upset with your teasing. “Fine,” he mumbles, “See if you can win without my all-star advice.”

Your sister manages to win in a shootout. It was a close game, and you challenge her to a rematch after dinner. She accepts, insisting you’ll lose again. Nolan bets he can race her around the property, so you move outside. Your mom lets you know dinner will be ready soon, and you throw her a thumbs up. 

Though your sister is a fast runner, she’s got nothing on Nolan’s six foot frame. He passes her with ease, cheekily throwing her the finger as he rushes by. You’re the finish line and instead of stopping when he reaches you, Nolan throws you over his shoulder and continues running through the yard. 

Your laugh rings out as you kick your feet. “Put me down!” you shriek. When he makes no attempt to prove he listened to your cries, you try again. “Nol, come on, put me down. If you fall it’ll be really bad.”

Knowing you’re right, Nolan stops moving and gingerly places you on the ground. His hands move to cup your face and he plants a warm kiss on your lips. You refuse to let it get too far, but you lean into him slightly and sigh when he pulls away. 

In the distance you hear your mom calling for dinner. “Kids, it’s time to eat,” she says. “Your father just got home.”

Your heart beat rises exponentially, and your steps drag slightly as you get closer to the door. Nolan notices, but doesn’t say anything. Instead he flashes you a smile that’s reserved just for you and makes your heart melt. 

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll make sure I don’t mumble.”

In the dining room, you guide Nolan to sit beside your dad. You figure it’s the spot where he has the best chance of hearing your boyfriend, and no one seems to protest. They give each other a polite nod while the rest of you rush to place everything on the table and serve the food. 

Once everyone is sitting, Nolan takes the initiative to introduce himself. “It’s nice to meet you Sir,” he says a bit slower than his normal speaking voice, making sure to clearly enunciate his words. 

There’s no response from your father, and you suck in a breath. You watched him focus on Nolan’s lips while he spoke, but you fear he still couldn’t quite understand what your boyfriend said. It takes a few more beats for him to process what was spoken, but then your dad is cracking a smile and holding his hand out for Nolan to shake. 

“Glad Y/N isn’t hiding you from us anymore. I thought the first time I’d meet you was at the engagement party.” His voice is a few decibels louder than everyone else’s, due to not being able to hear himself, but Nolan doesn’t seem to mind. 

They slip into an easy conversation about work and hunting, asking each other a million questions. There’s barely room for any one else to contribute but the rest of you don’t mind – it’s been a long time since your dad has been able to go this long without asking someone for assistance. Of course there’s a few bumps in the road – Nolan not speaking clearly or looking elsewhere while telling a story, but that was to be expected. You step in when needed, repeating phrases and recreating scenes with hand actions. Overall, the meal goes swimmingly, and the two men leave the table eagerly to swap stories. 

You spend the time catching up with your mother, and she gushes over how Nolan is handling everything. “He’s doing so well,” she exclaims. “He’s so patient with your dad, waiting to make he understood what was said before continuing, and he doesn’t have an issue repeating himself a few times. You really lucked out Y/N.”

“I know,” you say honestly. “He’s simply the best.”

It’s a few hours later that Nolan finds his way back to you. You arch your brow, wondering what he got up to, and he explains that your dad took him for a walk in the forest to show him the deer he’d been tracking the past couple of weeks. It’s heartwarming that they get along so well, and you feel a little silly for fretting over what would happen. 

☼☼☼☼

“Your dad is nice,” Nolan shrugs as you crawl into bed beside him. “I could hardly tell he was deaf most of the time.”

You tuck yourself into his side and hum. “He does a great job of not letting it define him,” you agree. “But thank you for being so patient with him.”

A small peck is placed to your shoulder blade and you sigh at the contact of Nolan’s lips on your skin. “He did grumble about how my voice is too deep,” he laughs. “Said he could barely hear me. Once I knew that I made sure to speak clearly and let him read my lips.”

You’re speechless. None of your friends or past romantic partners had made that much of an effort to treat your dad like he was a person. They got short with him for needing them to slow down or repeat themselves, and often would refuse to see him again. It’s part of the reason you were so hesitant to introduce Nolan – you wanted to protect him from another person who might treat him differently because he can’t hear.

“I really fucking love you,” you whisper into the darkness. 

You can practically hear the grin in Nolan’s voice as he speaks. “I really fucking love you too.”

The rest of your stay will go just fine, you think as you drift to sleep. There was nothing to worry about, and you can’t wait to watch a friendship blossom between your dad and boyfriend. 

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @jamiedrysdales @kiedhara @tortito @boqvistsbabe​ if you want to be added shoot me an ask :)

[nikakistos]

Mikasa will kill Eren

With the series ending in only three chapters at the time of writing this meta/prediction post, i want to share my thoughts about how the battle between the Alliance and Eren will conclude. More specifically, i will analyze all the reasons that make me believe that Mikasa will kill Eren and put an end to this battle.

Mikasa’s character arc

The first important reason that made me reach to that conclusion is non other than Mikasa’s phenomenal and, in my opinion, underrated character arc. So, let’s get to know Mikasa.

Mikasa starts the story as a sheltered kid. She lives in the mountains, far away from any other kids, with her mom and dad being her only company. Her mom and dad were her entire world. She was a naive, innocent little girl who used to overlook the cruel nature of the world, focusing entirely on it’s beauty. She was content living like that with the people she loved the most, without having any grandiose dreams of her own.

And then, reality ensues. Three human traffickers kill her family and try to sell her as a sex slave. Mikasa, being only a child and alone was about to surrender. Without her family she didn’t have a place in the world. She didn’t know how to live without them.

Until Eren comes to save her. Out of the blue he kills the first two of the traffickers and unties her. However, the third one appears and disarms Eren. Before blacking out, the young boy tells Mikasa the words that later became her mantra “Fight! If you don’t win, you die. If you win, you live. If you can’t fight, you can’t win!”

That is the moment that Mikasa’s survival instincts awaken her Ackerman powers. The moment that she accepts that this world is kill or be killed and realizes it’s true nature. And the moment she learns the truth of the world she finds the strngth to kill her assailant. Mikasa kills so that she won’t be killed. And the moment her enemy falls, the old Mikasa dies. 

Broken and homeless, Mikasa asks Dr.Yeager what she should do now that she had no one. How could she live on her own? She never learned how to do that. Mikasa, from the very beginning of her life, is a codependent person. She thinks that she can’t go on alone. And at this moment of sadness comes Eren and wraps a muffler around her neck to protect her from the cold. Both from the physical cold, but also from the cold, hard world that took her happiness away. He offers her a home. Their home.

From that moment onwards Eren became Mikasa’s world. He replaced her parents as her new family, alongside with his mom and dad. Mikasa, realizing that Eren was no more than a troublesome kid with a knack for getting into troubles, decides to be by his side forever and protect him. Partly out of gratitude for saving her and giving her a home, parly because it was his mom’s wish, partly because she is in love with him, but also in order to protect herself and her own peace of mind Mikasa latches onto Eren. And she makes the same mistake as before. She starts viewing Eren as a wholly good person. She keeps the image of the scarf and forgets the violence that came before. She projects onto Eren all of the beauty in the world. 

After Carla’s death, Mikasa’s overprotective attitude only worsens. She resolves to follow Eren at all times and be there for him, without considering his feelings. She actually had a habit of misinterpreting his sentiments about her clingy nature quite often. Whoever threatens her life with Eren becomes an enemy. So, Mikasa, who never got over her trauma, thinks that Eren is the most important part of the world and that without him she can’t go own. To that end she joins the military, when in reality she never cared about humanity’s struggle against the titans. Mikasa was fine living an uneventful life with Eren and Armin. 

However, those sentiments are not fit for a soldier. As a person who dedicated her heart for humanity’s survival, her first priority being Eren becomes a hindrance. A soldier should always put his feelings second. Fulfilling the mission should always be first. While Mikasa proves herself to be extremely effective in the Battle of Trost initially, with her stoic and direct nature saving hundreds of lives, when news of Eren’s death reach her she breaks down completely. She convinces the rest of the cadets to fight, while not being prepared to do her duty. She gives up and she is ready to die, until Eren’s memory and her desire to not forget him help her pull through and fight for her life. This marks the first instance of Mikasa’s growing maturity. She finds a reason to keep moving forward even without her family. 

Mikasa is a survivor. Keep carrying on and living even after the deaths of her beloved people has always been a part of her. And this is not something that comes directly from Eren, but from her own self and love of life. Her Ackerman powers only activated due to her own survival instincts. Not from Eren’s orders. While she hasn’t realized it yet, Mikasa takes pride in being alive. In a world where only the strong survive, she feels proud of counting herself amongst them.

Of course, the revelation of Eren being alive makes Mikasa regress. She continues with her overprotective behavior and with her reckless, emotional behavior. Her desire to exact vengeance on Annie causes her to jeopardize the mission to retrieve Eren and sideline Levi. Mikasa was hurt by Annie, becaue Annie exposed her again. She showed her that she is not entirely capable of protecting Eren. She also showed her once more that fighting impulsively and allowing feelings to interfere when in a mission puts her life at risk. The first time, she was saved by Eren. The second, by Levi. So, Mikasa resolves to do better next time. She resolves to become a better soldier. Her sense of responsibility over Levi’s injury pains her and she tries to make up for it. She scolds Eren for not fighting her, despite her having killed numerous Survey Corps members. Her effots pay off and this eventually leads to Annie getting captured.

Unfortunately, Mikasa’s feelings have continued to resurface in critical moments. And those feelings did not concern Eren entirely. Despite Mikasa claiming that she only cares about a small amount of lives, specifically Armin and Eren, perhaps she hadn’t realize that she cares for far more people than she initially believed. Even after promising Levi to not make any more blunders, the only reason that Reiner and Bertholt escaped from her was the bonds she had created with them. She saw them as her comradres.  She later tries to make up for her failure by trying to make the rest of her comrades see Reiner and Bertholt as enemies of humanity and prevent them from hesitating like she did and putting a tough front against Ymir, but again, the damage had already been done. 

Mikasa had grown to care for more people than Eren and Armin. Mikasa during the Battle of Trost threatened Dimo Reeves who was delaying the evacuation process, because he was getting more of her comrades killed. She saved innocents and civilians. She was angry at the Female Titan for killing so many of her comrades. She created strong bonds within the 104th unit. She even showed consideration for Levi, even though she disliked him for beating up Eren. More importantly, as the series progress, Mikasa starts caring more about the world in general. The little girl who only cared about herself and her family members has now become a soldier who fights for the entire world. She even develops a sense of belonging to Paradis, viewing it as her homeland, when she wasn’t even willing to fight for the island 4 years ago. Her cold exterior starts to crumble and she opens up. She protects a child who killed one of her best friends, a stark contrast to the earlier version of Mikasa who nearly ruined a mission by trying to have her vengeance against Annie. The Mikasa who simply cared for her small world and had no ambitions of exploring the outside world easily embraces the volunteers from Marley and becomes optimistic about their intergration to Paradis. The exact opposite of Eren.

This gradual “defrosting” of Mikasa and her repeated failures, along with the realization of the inferiority feelings she was causing him to have, force Mikasa to alter her treatment of Eren. While she was constantly nagging and smothering him, she starts to become more supportive of him, encouraging him and helping him believe in himself, just like she did with Armin. Not only that, this enables her to become a better soldier as well. While the Mikasa of the first few chapters was willing to disobey orders if that meant being close to Eren, she starts trusting the leadership of Levi, whom she resented, and entrusts Eren to Armin in the Battle of Shiganshina. She understands that she has a role to play as a soldier and that Eren can take care of himself either alone or with the help of other people, without her being near. This results in a huge victory in Shiganshina.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that she has changed completely. Mikasa still refused to obey Levi’s orders and attacked him when he tried to revive Erwin instead of Armin, Despite all, her feelings for the people who are closer to her, Eren and Armin are still too strong sometimes and overpower her better judgement. However, it was at this point exactly, that Mikasa received her second warning. She has to keep moving forward with the knowledge that all the people she knows will eventually die. And she did. Mikasa did give up in the end during the Serumbowl. She has matured.

Unfortunately, Mikasa’s love for Eren is still hindering her. Even now, after all that, Mikasa’s sole dream is living with him forever. She is in love with him, even though he has commited horrible crimes that go against her values. Her introverted, shy nature plus her fear of losing him do not allow her to express her true feelings, but she does have them.

And here comes Mikasa’s greatest flaw. Despite all of her development, she still thinks that without Eren she is lost. She has no goal left. She never learned how to live as an individual and as an independent person. That’s why she believes his lies so easily. She doesn’t recognize her sense of self without him. She still ties her identity to Eren. She has all of the foundations for living as a complete and healthy human being, but her inability to separate herself from Eren is destroying her and clouding her judgement. That’s why she asks Armin what to do in chapter 125, that’s why she tries to stop Pieck from killing Eren in chapter 135, that’s why she says she won’t kill him. And most importantly for her, that’s why she couldn’t admit that she is in love with him in chapter 123. Mikasa simply cannot handle rejection from Eren. She can’t think of a future for her without him by her side. She almost reconsiles herself to loving him from afar.

It is very evident and telling from her reaction to Louise and her first talk to Annie that Mikasa is actually ashamed for prioritizing Eren over anything else and simply following his footsteps. In reality, Mikasa doesn’t want that. She wants to be her own person. She wants to be Eren’s equal, not his follower. That’s why she doesn’t wear the scarf anymore.

Well all these need to and will change. Mikasa has to put her feelings aside one more time and act as a soldier and finish off the threat to humanity. She needs to stop tying so much of herself to Eren and realize for good that she can live without him, despite wanting to be by his side forever. And in order to do all that, she has to stop lying to herself for good. She has to admit her feelings, her true feelings not solely to her, but to him as well. And judging by her own regrets, she will.

Mikasa’s character arc has her going from a happy, naive little girl, to a broken,  gloomy, stoic person who only cares about a couple of people to a proper soldier who cares and fights for the entire world, friends and foes included. She opens up, makes friendships, develops a more pacifistic worldview compared to her survival mindset of old. But most importantly, she will become a normal, functioning human being.

Nature of the conflict

Moving on from Mikasa’s characters arc, i believe that the nature of the conflict of the series in and of itself points out towars Mikasa killing Eren. The first and primary conflict in the series is the fight between Humans and Titans. The world has expanded since the first chapter. The series has become more complex. And yet, in the final battle we see some people fighting to protect humanity from the hordes of titans that want to trample the remaining human race outside the walls of Paradis.

In this exact setting we have the Survey Corps, the group of people that from day one fights for humanity’s survival and liberation from the terror of the titans fughting against the biggest symbol of oppression and enslavement in the entire series. The Wall Titans.

The Scouts dreamt of an idealized world when fighting against the titans. And still, even after this world was revealed to be quiet different than they imagined, more disappointing, they still don’t give up. Because they understand that the world is a cruel place, but it also very beautiful. The person who best represents this theme in the series is none other than Mikasa Ackerman. And she is fighting for the Scouting Legion against the person who showed her both sides of the world in the same day. That person has renounced all the beauty in this world and focused only on the ugly side. And he fights for the Titans.

In a series about humans fighting against titans, Mikasa is a character associated with human strength. 

While Mikasa (and the Survey Corps in general) is associated with human strength, Eren on the other hand has been constantly referred to as a monster. A devil. Something inhuman. Now of course, technically speaking Mikasa is also part titan and Eren is also part human, however this symbolism still exists.

Judging by the narrative and the themes of the series, an Eren victory is downright impossible. It just doesn’t fit for the titans to defeat humanity. The story has put so much emphasis on the creation of a better world, free of curses and hate. Eren, being the physical manifestation of both can’t win. He has to die. And in such a story, is there a better way to topple the biggest titan of all time, using the trademark weapon of humanity? That it the ODMG.

Foreshadowing

In this part, i will let the pictures do the talking. It is evident from all of them and from my previous analysis of Mikasa’s arc that a full blown conflict between her and Eren is bound to happen. And Mikasa killing Eren has been referenced way too many times for that to be a coincidence.

Every single time in this latest arc that Eren being killed is mentioned, Mikasa is at the forefront. Isayama focuses on her too much in these scenes. Considering the fact that now that Gabi has realized what the true nature of the titans is, the fact that they have wrapped the explosives around Eren’s neck, Armin going Colossal being foreshadowed over a billion times, Eren seems to be in huge danger. Killing the Source of the Titans would likely kill Eren, seeing as how he is nothing but a head without a body. And it doesn’t look like he can regenerate. Stopping the Colossals might only be possible by killing the centipede that is tied to Eren’s survival. And for all the reasons i have mentioned, i believe that Mikasa will be the one to kill it.

[agathasangel]

leave everything behind but me- part 4 (diane sherman x reader) (NSFW moment)

warnings: same as before, stalking (like full on irl stalking as well as online), drugging, some talk of emotional/physical abuse in this one, death mention. this whole fic is just kinda dark... sorry. Also brief nsfw moment.

summary: this part is from Diane’s perspective. as she looks for her neurotoxin ingredients in a panic, she reflects on how she came into contact with you in the first place, and all the highs and lows of your relationship up to this point.

where the hell are they? thought Diane, looking for the last, most important ingredient in her neurotoxin.

She couldn’t believe it had come to this again. Just like with Chloe.

Diane wondered where Chloe was, what she was doing. About five years ago, with an excellent defense lawyer, she managed to get out of jail for what she had done. She looked far and wide for her stolen daughter, who seemed to be nowhere to be found. She still worried about what became of Chloe, but knew she was probably doing alright. And one day, Diane found a new obsession by the name of (y/n).

It was nearly two years ago now. Diane was beginning to give up on finding Chloe, after three full years of searching anywhere and everywhere with no luck. But she did find something else. 

She was staying at a hotel in California, near the hospital where she gave birth to Chloe, in the vain hope that maybe, just maybe, Chloe would be around.

Diane didn’t find Chloe, but she found something else from her past. Her college reunion was being held in the exact hotel she was staying at. She didn’t plan on attending, but then she came face-to-face with her college rival. This woman was the only person who did better in her classes than Diane. Not only that, but she had multitudes of friends, boyfriends, you name it, while Diane had no one. The woman never let Diane forget how much better she was either. It wasn’t the worst thing Diane had ever been through, not by a long shot, but it was a disappointment for sure. College was supposed to be the place where Diane could finally feel like she belonged, and she always resented this rival of hers. 

“Diane! We didn’t think you were coming! Oh here, have a seat!” said the woman.

“I’m so sorry about Roger. It was such a shock to hear about.”, she continued, reminding Diane of her dead husband

“Yeah, I still can’t say I’m over it, all these years later.”

“Yeah when the love of your life just drops dead like that, you never get over it, do you?”, she said, far louder than Diane would have liked.

“Can we please talk about something else?”

“Of course, I’m so sorry, Diane, I know it must be so hard for you!”

“Yeah. Um... what’s your family like?”

“Well we have one daughter. Her name is (y/n), and she’s a senior in High School,” said the woman. She then leaned into Diane and said, “But can I be honest? I never exactly wanted kids. Never liked them. I thought it would change when I had her but it didn’t. She’s so... difficult.”

Diane’s blood absolutely boiled hearing this, but she managed to keep a polite face, “But that’s your child. Don’t you love her?”

“There are some good things about her, I guess. I do love her in my own way, but I can’t help but feel disappointed. She’s just not what I thought she’d be. I’m sorry, I thought you may understand. I never get to vent my frustrations about her.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t understand. But, do you, um, by any chance have a picture of her?”

“On my phone, somewhere. Let me look.”

After a while, she found a picture of (y/n). It was fairly recent photo of you at a restaurant, at what looked like a dinner with the whole family. You looked sad and lost, but Diane thought you looked sweet.

“She’s beautiful.”

“Thanks,” said the woman, almost stifling a laugh, as if there was no way Diane could have meant that.

“I’m sorry, I need to go to the bathroom.” said Diane, as she was starting to turn red in anger and the woman.

“I’ll join you, I need to freshen up a bit.”

“Fine.”

So Diane walked straight into a stall while the other woman followed. Diane started to cry, so angry at this awful woman. She had a child, a beautiful, sweet, girl who was alive, for God’s sake. Diane would kill for what she has, in fact she had killed for it before. But this woman didn’t care about her child, she didn’t appreciate you one bit.

She didn’t deserve you. 

Then she heard the woman get into the stall next to her and she decided to leave. But the woman left her purse on the sink. Diane looked into her purse and found everything. All her information was in her wallet, and she took pictures of her address, phone number, and credit card numbers, as well as a couple of photos of you and your father. Diane quickly threw the last photo back into her purse as she heard her enemy get up, and she ran away, all the way back up to her room. 

Diane looked at the photos, and started to look for your social media. You didn’t seem to post very often, or have many friends. Most of your photos were of you by yourself, or pretty things you took pictures of, and even a couple of sad poems you wrote. Poetry written by teenagers was usually laughably bad, but hers made Diane cry. She saw herself in you.

Poor little thing, Diane thought. She needs some love. But I can do that for her.

Diane spent about a month following you and your parents around, without any of you even noticing her presence. One day she snuck into their house and bugged it, so that there were feeds of different rooms streaming to her computer at all times.

Diane noticed you spent most of your time alone. You wrote in a journal a lot, and cried fairly often, hugging a teddy bear you had. You just seemed so burnt out from stress from school, stress from your job, pressure from your parents. You fought with both of her parents often. Well... fight wasn’t the right word. Usually, one parent would yell at you and insult you, and you would choose to either take it or not take it.

There was one particular instance where you snapped at your father, telling him how he abandoned you so many times. He didn’t take this well, screaming all kinds of insults. How Diane wished she could hold you, rock you, comfort you and tell you that aren’t any of the terrible things your father told you, and that she’s sorry that you never felt good enough.

Diane snuck into (y/n)’s graduation, too. She knew she couldn’t contact you yet, but she got so much happiness out of just seeing this milestone of your life. All you did was walk across the stage and take your diploma, but Diane beamed with pride for you as you did it.

After graduation, your parents were constantly threatening to kick you out, and the fights got worse, they crying got worse. Diane wished she was there, comforting you, holding you and giving you all the love that your parents didn’t. Diane looked for a window of opportunity into this girl’s life until she found the perfect one. You had put out an ad on facebook for anyone on the east coast looking for a roommate, and Diane put her plan into action. She made a fake account on facebook pretending to be a college girl named “Anna Johnson” and responded to the ad, starting to talk to and getting friendly with you. “Anna” suggested that you take a bus trip and offered to pay the fare, but you refused because you wanted to earn the money yourself. Diane’s heart warmed at your sweet messages, even though they were to “Anna” and not her. “I’ve never had as good a friend as you before”, “Who needs a mom when I have you giving me such great advice?”, “You’re the best!”, every little message that you sent to Diane made her fall more and more in love. Diane bought a little house on the East Coast with the money she got from selling her old house, and hoped everything will fall into place in her new life with (y/n). 

Now during the bus trip, Diane needed to follow you closely in her silver minivan, and make sure not to lose track of you during layovers either. Her detour into the coffee shop scared her at first, but once Diane found you, it was the perfect opportunity to finally, after all these months of dreaming, meet you face-to-face. Her new little baby girl, finally. Diane slipped a powdered sleeping pill into her already tired girl’s coffee to make you even more sleepy and suggestible, getting you to come with her to her hotel room.

Back in the present, Diane found the rest of the powdered sleeping pills as she was searching through her medicine cabinet and closet. She got so distracted thinking about you, and all the horribly wrong things she had done to you. 

It’s for her own good, all of it. She needs to be protected, she’s too pure for this world, to good, too sweet...

Diane searched through the drugs she had given you, thinking of all the best times the two of you have had.

The first day Diane had been with you in the little house was heaven on earth. Finally Diane had everything she’s been working for for almost a year now right there, in her arms. Diane wanted to give you everything you didn’t believe you deserved. The only catch was that you belonged to Diane, and Diane alone.

She got a job teaching Chemistry at the local High School fairly easily, as she had extensive knowledge (even more extensive than she may have let on in her interview), of the subject, and the school district was completely desperate for competent science teachers. Diane found faking the background check easy, she used her maiden name and an incorrect date of birth and they didn’t ask her about her arrest at all. And now she had her new life set up. A house that she owned, a job to put food on the table, and you.

The next best day for Diane was the day you finally kissed her. Diane was starting to fall in love with you in a more romantic, even a more sexual way, but didn’t know if you felt the same way about her. Then, during one of your movie nights, you kissed Diane, and she felt overjoyed. She kissed you back and finally led you to the bed and fucked you, like she had been thinking about doing every night at this point but was too scared to actually initiate until now. She was in love with the feeling she got from kissing you, from pleasing you. It had been so long since Diane had been this intimate with anyone, and she was your first. And it was a real awakening for the both of you.

It felt so good, you felt so good. This relationship you had was so incredibly wrong in so many ways, but it just felt so right.

Why did it have to change?

Of course, there were still some hard moments. Even Diane admitted that there were times when she could be irrationally possessive of you, getting angry when someone even looks at you the wrong way. She knew that her possessive, obsessive attitude could scare you, and you would even blame yourself for it, but she didn’t know how to stop. She knew that you were getting scared she would become more difficult to please, like all the other people that have been in your life.

Or the times that you would cry, and it happened so often. You would get sad and Diane would hold you and tell you:

“It’s ok baby, you’re here now, you’re with me. I love you more than life itself. You’re gonna be okay, my little angel.”

One night Diane woke up to you crying into your pillow, and immediately grabbed you.

“What’s wrong, baby? What happened?”

“I- I was afraid that you might- that- one day- you might not want me anymore... what would happen if you d-don’t want me....”

“Listen, I will never not want you. You are all I have, remember? And you’re all I need. Come here, that’s right. You’re my baby, all mine.. shhh....”

Or, there was the time you asked about the scars on Diane’s back. She was mortified, but finally told you about her terrible childhood. The horrible abuse from her mother until her death, the foster home, everything. Her desperation to become the mother she never had. You hugged her tight.

“I’m so sorry, Diane, I had no idea... and to think I complained about-”

“Baby, don’t compare your life to mine. All that matters now is that it’s you and me, and I need to take care of you.”

“Sometimes I think I should be the one taking care of you, Diane.”

“Trust me baby, you do so much more for me than you think.”

Then Diane found it. The rest of the paint thinner. And she was ready to take away all your sadness once and for all, and make you hers forever.

[hopelesshawks]

Official Accounts Part 13- Confession

Summary: (y/n) was perfectly happy remaining anonymous, even if her best friends were all pro heroes and she worked under THE Hawks. Handling the technical aspects of hero work from the background suited her just fine, thank you very much. That goes out the window when suddenly her twitter blows up thanks Denki and the famed no. 2 hero is asking her to run his own official twitter as a result

If you don’t want to see Official Accounts content blacklist #hopelessoa

Masterlist

Hawks was not prepared for you to walk out of the employee bathrooms looking as good as you did when he finally returned to the agency to hand the reigns over to Endeavor for the night. He had really been hoping to wait to call in the favor Endeavor owed him for covering his patrols, but the more time Hawks spent with you the more he needed answers. It was growing harder and harder to deny the way looking at you made his heart race. The way part of him wanted nothing more than to make you laugh even when he was trying to ascertain what you were up to. And the way his heart stopped when you walked out of that employee bathroom, Mina quickly rushing out behind you and giving you a thumbs up and a wink before departing, only further confirmed that he desperately needed to know what your intentions were.

“Ready to go, Kid?” he asks as he extends an arm to you. “Ready,” you said as you exhaled shakily in hopes of clearing your nerves. You linked your arm in his and with all the charm you had come to expect from the number two hero he guided you out of the office and onto the busy streets of the city. You would die before admitting it, but looking at Hawks under the glow of the city lights made him look ethereal. So much so you could hardly pull your eyes away. The two of you were talking of that you were sure, and you assume you were giving intelligible responses, but in all honesty if asked to recount the conversation you wouldn’t be able to. You were too caught up in the wonder that Hawks had chosen you of all people.

Eventually the smell of food brings you back to Earth as you realize Hawks has brought you to a tiny hole in the wall restaurant on the other side of town. Hardly anyone else is inside, all the big crowds are deeper into the city, but something about the quiet atmosphere is refreshing after the noise of all the bustling crowds. “Hawks!” The owner calls out cheerfully as he makes his way around to the two of you. “Glad you finally made it. I’ve got a special table reserved for you out back,” the owner grins. “Ah you really do spoil me. Lead the way,” Hawks laughs as the owner does just that.

You’re guided to the back and out the door only to find an entirely separate seating area, deserted. Fairy lights provide the main source of light, giving the whole thing a dream-like quality. When the owner departs after seating the two of you, you and Hawks are left alone in the romantic atmosphere and you can’t help but feel nervous. Yet one look across the table at your date for the evening, especially when he flashes That Grin(tm) at you, eases your mind almost immediately.

The night feels nothing short of magical as the two of you laugh over drinks and the best ramen you’ve ever had in your life but as the food and alcohol settle in your stomach the conversation turns to deeper topics. “Can I ask you a potentially personal question?” Hawks asks. “Sure,” you shrug as you take another sip of your drink. “Is it weird having all your friends be pro heroes? You didn’t ever think about joining in yourself?” he asks. “You’re asking ‘cause of how I reacted to Chargebolt after that one patrol right?” you ask. He’s not. He asking to determine your possible motives. But he can’t say that, so instead he shoots you a sheepish grin and rubs the back of his neck as he lies “that obvious, huh?” “It’s a fair question and you’re not the first to ask,” you laugh. “It’s kind of a heavy story though, I don’t wanna bring down the mood,” you admit, looking away from the gorgeous, curious man across from you.

Suddenly you feel a gentle hand on your chin turning your head to make you look him in his eyes again. “You could never, Kid,” he assures you with as much faux sincerity as his brain can muster even if his heart is pleading with him to be genuine. You gulp and in that moment Hawks thinks he’s finally caught you.

“My mom was a pro hero. She didn’t break top 10 or anything but growing up she was Denki and I’s idol. I’m pretty sure she’s the reason he wanted to become a pro hero so bad in the first place. For a little while I wanted to be one too,” you begin. This was it. Hawks was sure of it. Any moment now you’d confirm your resentment that you never lived up to your mother and it would explain your rage and the training and your fascination with him and- “She uhm, she died in a villain attack when I was in middle school. Things just weren’t the same after that so I abandoned the idea of being a pro hero,” you confessed.

Oh...

Oh that was not what Hawks was expecting at all.

“When I found out Denki still wanted to be one I stopped talking to him for like a month. I forgave him eventually, obviously, but uh I refused to get back on the hero path. I knew too well the constant stress and pressure my mom was under and in the end all it did was encourage her to push too far and get herself killed. I know UA’s general studies course has a reputation of being for the hero course rejects but I only went to UA to keep an eye on Denki. If I couldn’t stop him from becoming a hero then at least I could make sure he didn’t push himself too far, y’know? Then I re-did the computer system and administration insisted I swap over to hero support. Eventually I realized that if it weren’t for my mom a lot more people would’ve died and while it sucks she had to make that sacrifice I know she’d do it again in a heartbeat. Even scarier Denki and Katsuki and Mina and Hitoshi and Eiji would all do it too. So while I can’t bring myself to become a pro hero myself, at the very least I can do my best to make sure the heroes get home safe.”

You’re not sure when exactly during your story you had begun crying but you swipe at your eyes to wipe the tears away now. You bring your gaze back to Hawks’ and open your mouth to apologize for ruining the mood but are instead surprised by the feeling of his lips on yours. There’s a split second of shock where you do nothing, but the moment it passes you return his kiss eagerly.

You are perfect. Every fiber of Hawks’ being screams that you are perfect. If anyone could possibly hope to understand him, his heart and his gut and now finally his head tell him it’s you. And with that realization comes an overwhelming amount of guilt. He had treated you like a villain when all you had done was be good to him and all those around you. He wants to apologize. God, how he wants to apologize. But that would require admitting he’d treated you with suspicion, that this “date” had been a ruse. So he says nothing, and he kisses you with passion and heartache and guilt and understanding and something that feels suspiciously like love. He kisses you with every single emotion that is coursing through him and hopes that will be enough.

Author’s Note: I feel like Hawks is the type who falls fast and hard once he lets himself fall. Writing this chapter was ROUGH. Hawks and (y/n) are in such wildly different places emotionally from start to finish. I’ve been trying to minimize the amount of written portions because it feels a bit like a betrayal of the smau format (and I like the challenge of restricting it) but there’s some stuff coming up down the line that just wouldn’t be discussed over text so there will probably be more soon. This was another monster chapter but we’re really getting into the thick of the story now so I’m not shocked

Taglist [open]: @cathy8taffy @katzurras @grumpyfroggies @captaincyberqueen @itskindofafairything @420-uwu

[thinkingaboutyoungroyals]

Falling For You But You Are Worlds Away: Chapter 1

Summary: After a close call with a reporter that resulted in Simon getting hurt, Linda makes a difficult and heartbreaking decision. Meanwhile, Wilhelm returns to Hillerska, hoping to at least rekindle his friendship with Simon, only to find that even that was no longer possible.

Title inspired by Taylor Swift's "Come Back, Be Here."

Note: So... after several weeks of obsessing... I finally did it... I finally wrote Young Royals fanfic. And, I really shouldn't because I have Grad school and a part-time job and I barely have time to breathe.Speaking of that, I probably won't have a consistent update. There might be times when I disappear for several weeks. Please be patient and understanding with me, I'm still trying to balance school and work.

AO3 link

It was supposed to be a normal day of running errands – a trip to the grocery store, dropping off mail at the post office, and maybe getting ice creams as a treat on the way home. But, no, Simon should have known better than to think that his life would somehow go back to normal during Christmas. After all, the prince had denied his involvement in the viral video and Simon had broken up with him to give both of them some space. This all happened only a week ago.

But, even after all that trouble and heartbreak, here he and his family were, being chased down their own street by paparazzi with their stupid cameras and fake sympathy.

“Simon, won’t you tell us your side of the story?”

“Is Prince Wilhelm lying? Are you in a relationship?”

“Mrs. Erikkson, how did you react when you found out your son may have been involved with the prince?”

“Don’t say anything,” his mother hissed in Spanish, clutching Simon and Sara’s arms tighter against her side.

The plastic bag of groceries was digging into Simon’s skin and he wished he could adjust his grip but he didn’t dare slow down. Those hyenas at his heels could catch them and he didn’t want to give them that satisfaction.

But, then, Sara let out a startled scream. A reporter had grabbed her arm, making her drop the groceries. Clementines rolled out of the bag and onto the pavement.

And, just like that, Simon saw red.

“Let go of her!”

He ripped his arm from his mother’s hold and lunged at the reporter, pushing him away from his shaking sister. The reporter, a middle-aged man who had probably been doing this for a long time, released Sara. But, before Simon could pull her away to safety, searing pain exploded at his cheek. He tasted the blood before he even realized what had happened.

His mom and Sara screamed.

The other reporters began to yell at the first one. Things like “What is wrong with you?!” and “Fuck, you can’t touch our sources like that! We’re gonna get sued!”

His name was being called. It sounded like Sara.

But, Simon, feeling dazed and tired, just stared up at the bright blue sky. He didn't even realize he had fallen to the ground. It was a nice day, though.

It should have been an ordinary nice day.

 .....

“Thank you, officer, we really appreciate your help.”

“Just doing our job, ma’am. Please don’t hesitate to call us over if you see any more suspicious individuals around your home. We’ll send someone over, immediately.”

“Thank you.”

Linda bid the police officers a good day and shut the door. With them gone, she finally lowered her mask and allowed the weariness of the day to manifest in her bones. She leaned back against the closed door, letting out the breath she had been holding.

No matter how many times she had dealt with the police, it never failed to make her exhausted. She should be used to this by now.

When she and the kids still lived with Micke, it wasn’t uncommon for neighbors to call the cops to complain about her ex-husband disturbing the peace. Mostly because he was yelling at her and the children. Sometimes, even hurting her. (He never touched the children. Linda never let him. The one and only time he almost laid a hand on Sara was finally when Linda finally gathered her children, important documents, and a few meager possessions and fled into the night.)

Linda believed that they were past all that. That in this new life she built for herself and her children, they would never have to call the police to their home or worry about their safety ever again. But, after what happened to Simon today, she could no longer hold on to that dream. Not for the time being.

She knew what she had to do to keep her son safe, even if it hurt her. Even if Simon would resent her. She hoped he wouldn’t. That he would see that she was doing this for him.

Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, Linda straightened her shoulders, lifted her head, and began to make her way back to the living room, where she could clearly hear her children bickering on the couch.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sara asked her brother.

“I’m fine,” Simon answered, sounding annoyed. “He didn’t even hit me that hard.”

“You could have hit your head!”

“But, I didn’t.”

“You should have left him alone.”

“He touched you!”

Sara pressed her lips together and looked away as she dabbed ointment to her brother’s bruised lip. Simon flinched, which made his sister’s lips quirk to an amused smile.

But, despite her children looking seemingly okay, joking around and teasing each other the way they always did, Linda couldn't stop looking at that dark mark marring her son’s handsome face. 

Clearing her throat, she stepped into the living room.

“Mi amor, how are you feeling?” she asked, sitting on Simon’s other side.

“I’m fine, mama,” he replied, immediately. “It’s just a scratch, it will heal in a few days.” He grinned. “It makes me look badass though, right?”

Sara snorted. “More like reckless.”

“A reckless badass.”

“Mi amor,” Linda interrupted, gently, not wanting them to start bickering again. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Simon straightened up, looking serious. Linda’s chest felt heavy as she took his hand in hers and stroked it. Sometimes, she wished her children were still small and had no other care in the world except for what candy they could get at the grocery store that week.

“It’s about school,” she began.

“I’ll transfer back to Marieberg,” Simon said, misunderstanding where the conversation was going. “I don’t mind. Sara can stay at Hillerska, she has friends there now, I’m sure she’ll be fine. Besides, Rosh and Ayub are excited to have me back.”

Linda shook her head. “I don’t think you should go back to Marieberg either.”

At that, Simon’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean? I should go to another school? There aren’t any others close by.”

Linda sighed as she looked her son in the eye. “When the… video… first came out...”

Simon flinched and looked down at his feet.

“... I thought about how to… protect you. Especially after what happened today-.”

“Mama, I can handle it,” he interrupted, still unable to look at her. “I was fine today.”

“No, you weren’t,” Sara interjected. “You got punched.”

Simon glared at her. “They’re just reporters, I can handle them.”

Linda squeezed his hand. “It’s not just the reporters, Simon. It’s also… the others. Remember that boy from the other day? He followed you home! He could have hurt you!”

Simon's eyes flashed in anger at the memory. “But, he didn’t, you drove him away. And I would have been fine, I could take him.”

“That doesn’t stop me from worrying!”

Linda ran a hand through her hair, frustrated and cursing her son’s stubbornness. Unfortunately, that was one thing he inherited from Micke.

“Anything could have happened and I can’t protect you! Not at school, not at the grocery store, not even here at home! And do you know what that does to me?! I worry about you every time you’re out of my sight, Simon!” 

Unbidden tears brimmed at Linda’s eyes but she refused to let them fall. She had to be strong. She was making the right decision.

“A few weeks ago, I called your Tia Elena. She already knew what happened, the news reached them...”

“Oh, God!” Closing his eyes, Simon groaned and fell back against the couch.

“… and she actually suggested that… you go to live with her for a while.”

Almost immediately, Simon’s eyes snapped open and he sat up. “What?”

“I wasn’t sure, before, because I don’t want you to be away from us. But, after what happened with that boy from the other day and the reporters today… I think this is the best thing for you.”

“To send me to America?! That’s the best thing for me?!”

Simon pulled his hand away from her hold and stood up, presumably to stalk off to his room.

Linda tried to blink away the tears. “Simon, mi amor, please! This is the only way to keep you safe!”

“You’re sending me away! From you and Sara and my friends! My whole life is here!”

“It’s only until this all dies down, I promise. You can transfer back to Marieberg next school year. But, just for this term. Please, Simon.”

She watched Simon’s stiff back as he processed her pleas.

“W-What about a visa?” he asked and the hope in it broke her heart. “Don’t I need one of those? And they take time, don’t they? By the time they process it, school’s gonna start and I still have to travel and-.”

“You have an appointment with the U.S. Embassy the day after tomorrow,” Linda interrupted. “Your Tia Elena took care of everything. She even sent some money along to help with the fees.”

“Oh.” Simon’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “W-Would they even have room for me?”

“There’s only her and Ana now ever since Ricardo left them. And she says you can work at her store to earn some extra money, if you want.”

From the corner of her eye, Linda spotted Sara, who was unusually quiet. Her daughter was staring at her brother, her face unreadable. It was difficult to read Sara these days. But, Linda hoped that her daughter understood why she was doing this.

Sara didn’t want to leave Hillerska and that was fine, she had gone ahead and applied for that Grant to be a resident. But, even if Simon applied for a Grant too and became a resident, he would still get chased by reporters. He would still get recognized and followed by creeps and people who wanted to do him harm in Bjarstard. But, in America, with Linda’s older sister, he could be safe from the scandal.  

“Is there really no other way?” Simon asked, softly.

Getting to her feet, Linda moved towards her son and wrapped him in her arms.

“Mi amor, I know this is difficult for you. It is for me, too. I want nothing more than for you to stay here in Sweden with me and your sister. But, I want you to be safe. I want people to stop stalking you and bothering you about something so… traumatic. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to go to school and live your life in peace. In America, no one knows who you are. You can live normally again, go to school, and even… date someone new.”

Simon flinched in her arms and she regretted her words.

What Simon had with Wilhelm was truly special, something for the books, the kind of love story you often watch on T.V. and read about in books. She had never seen Simon as happy as he had been when he was with the prince, even if they thought Linda didn’t know. (Of course, she knew! She was his mother!) It was only a shame that their story ended in a tragedy that not only broke her son’s heart but also brought negative and unwanted attention onto his life.

“Simon, please,” she begged. “Just for a few months, I promise, mi amor. And, then, you can come home and life will be back to normal, I’m sure. Please.”

Time felt like it was slowing down as they stood there in the middle of the living room, Simon slowly breaking in her arms and Sara only watching helplessly.

Finally, her son let out a breath. “Okay,” he said in a soft voice. “I’ll go.”

Linda burst into tears and buried her face against the fabric of Simon’s orange sweatshirt.

Despite her own heart breaking into pieces at the thought of being away from her son, she was also so incredibly relieved.

 ......... 

The Christmas break was too long, in Wilhelm’s opinion.

He spent most of it making required public appearances, sitting in on council meetings, and attending royal parties. He went about his duties like a robot, his emotions numb and something in him broken. His mother thought he would get over it if she threw enough things at him to keep him busy enough to not think of Simon. But, obviously, it didn’t work.

Simon was the first thing on his mind when he woke up in the mornings and the last thing he thought of before he slept at night. He had tried texting but his texts went unanswered. His calls would result in just ring after ring after ring until voicemail picked up. He spent many hours just scrolling through Simon’s Instagram, not seeing any new posts. Rosh, Ayub, and Sara had all blocked him so he couldn’t even see any posts of Simon, if there were any.

During the yearly Christmas party hosted by the Royal family, it was normally Erik who had to socialize and make nice with all the nobility and distant relatives who came. But, this year, Wilhelm had to do it. And it was fine, at first. He managed to remember some names and those he didn’t remember, he managed to sidestep with a polite “sir” or “ma’am.” But, then… But, then!

His mother introduced to him the daughter of a Duke whose name he couldn’t remember. With the way his mother smiled and practically pushed the girl to his side, Wilhelm knew exactly what she was doing. It ruined the rest of the party for him, as well as that poor girl’s Christmas. Wilhelm was so annoyed that he ignored her when she tried to make conversation. Eventually, he caused her to break into tears when he bluntly said that he didn’t care who designed her dress.

The Queen tried to scold him, called him a disgrace, and demanded that he get himself together. Wilhelm only shot her a blank look, excused himself, and left the party.

There were no more attempts at setting him up after that.

So, when Christmas break ended and it was time to return to Hillerska, he was relieved. He dutifully packed his things, including the small Christmas gift he got for Simon. He was hoping that even if they couldn’t restart their relationship, they could still be friends. Wilhelm would take anything Simon was able to offer him right now, even if it wasn’t what he wanted.

“Your Royal Highness,” Malin called through the door. “You’re supposed to be at the church in ten minutes.”

“Thanks, Malin!” Wilhelm called back to her.

The prince looked over his appearance in the mirror one last time, making sure his school tie was tied properly and his jacket free of lint. Not that Simon would care about those, but Wilhelm wanted to look his best, for once. He even got a haircut over break. He wondered if Simon did, too. He couldn’t wait to see him.

Feeling the anticipation brimming inside him, Wilhelm made his way out of his room. He joined the others in leaving Forest Ridge to head to the church. Ahead of him, Henry and Walter waved, pausing to let him catch up to them.

Despite their initial impression on Wilhelm, they really did mellow out the more he got to know them. And when the video came out, they were the only ones who didn’t look at him weirdly (at least, not blatantly to his face) and never once asked about the video. They even texted him a Merry Christmas over break. He would take their company over August’s.

And, speaking of the devil, there was his traitor of a cousin now, pushing through the other boys to get to him. Wilhelm quickened his steps, not wanting to get caught in a conversation. He had successfully avoided him during the Christmas party at the palace after giving firm instructions to Malin and Johan to ensure that he didn’t get close to Wilhelm.

Luckily, his bodyguards were most likely doing exactly that as Wilhelm made it to the church and slipped into a pew without August catching up to him. Henry and Walter slid in after him, chatting about their holidays.

“Wonder what they’re singing this time,” Walter wondered aloud.

“Hope it’s something good,” Henry added.

Wilhelm only smiled, his annoyance at August finally melting away and replaced by excitement to see Simon and hear him sing again. Christmas break was too long.

Finally, the whole church had filled up and the Headmaster signaled for everyone to be quiet.

The choir entered.

Wilhelm spotted Felice and gave her a small wave. She had remained a great friend to him throughout the break.

As the choir began their song, Wilhelm scanned the heads, looking for that familiar head of curls. Someone else was doing a solo this time, a girl he didn’t know and her voice was nice but it wasn’t Simon. Why wasn’t Simon doing the solo?

Wilhelm couldn’t even hear the song or decipher the lyrics. His eyes desperately scanned all three rows but he couldn’t spot Simon.

Where was Simon?!?! Did he miss the first day of school?!?!

But, Sara was just a few pews ahead. She wouldn’t leave home without her brother.

The excitement that had earlier filled him turned into fear.

Did Simon quit the choir?!

Not caring about how it looked, Wilhelm scanned the pews across from them and the pews behind him, trying to spot those curls. But… he couldn’t see them. Not one strand.

The choir had finished singing now and the Headmaster had stood up to welcome them to another semester, go over the rules of the dorms, and list the school administration’s expectations from their students.

All of it went over Wilhelm’s head.

And, finally, they were dismissed to go to their first class of the day.

Wilhelm shot up and, muttering apologies to Henry and Walter, made his way out of the pew. He ignored the “hello’s” sent his way and hurried to the front.

Sara and Maddie were chatting with each other as they made their way down the aisle, all excited smiles and talking about how wonderfully Felice sang.

“Sara!”

The girl slowed down and froze upon seeing him. He saw the anger flash in those normally calm eyes. Then, she turned her gaze away and walked past him.

Wilhelm was not giving up.

He turned around and gave chase. “Sara! Sara, wait! I just need to ask you something.”

“I have nothing to say to you, Prince,” she seethed, not stopping.

He hated to do it but he gently grasped the arm of her school jacket. “Please, I need to ask you. Where’s Simon?”

Sara pulled her arm away, glaring at him. “Why do you ask?”

Wilhelm swallowed. “He didn’t sing with the choir. And I can’t find him anywhere and I just-.”

“He doesn’t go to Hillerska anymore.”

Wilhelm’s heart stopped. “What?”

Sara shrugged, turned on her heels, and walked away. Maddie shot Wilhelm a pitying look before hurrying off after her.  

His chest felt tight. And it seemed like there wasn’t enough air for him to breathe.

Simon... left?

[louiseleblancdiggory]

Will you marry me?

I have talked about how pregnancy and infertility are two subjects that hit very close to home here a while ago. Sensitive topics for me, and I found out that writing about it whenever it pops into my mind sometimes helps. This is a very small, very simple thing that just appeared in my head yesterday while I played Mahjong at three in the morning. I hope you guys find it is as beautiful to read it as it was calming for me to write it. 

Warnings: Infertility

“Aelin Ashryver Galathynius, will you give me the honor to be your husband?”

“No.”

For a second too long, Rowan didn’t register the word. In his mind, there was no reality in which Aelin wouldn’t accept his proposal. He had planned everything— taken her to their favorite restaurant, then to the spot on the park where they first met four years ago, made a beautiful speech, and, when he got on one knee, Rowan was sure Aelin was beaming.

But now, his girlfriend was just looking down at the ring with a sad smile.

Rowan didn’t know what to say, how to act. He was sure Aelin didn’t want to end things, so maybe she just wasn’t ready for marriage? That was such a foreign thought to Rowan, specially after the fact that they had talked about marriage for the past five months. Aelin was ready, she had said as much so many times, and yet her answer had been no.

“No?” Rowan asked, dumbfounded. He didn’t want to pressure her into accepting, he just didn’t know how to recompose himself quickly enough so she wouldn’t realize how his heart was shattering inside his chest. “Why?”

The word was barely louder than a whisper, but Aelin heard it anyways. Rowan knew because her sad smile just deepened, and when she grabbed his hand, she squeezed it tightly. “Come here.”

Still in some state of shock, Rowan let her pull him towards a bench nearby, the moon and some far away street lampposts their only company. The glow they casted had made Rowan thought that the park looked like a dream before he proposed to Aelin.

Now it was more of a sweet nightmare.

Aelin sat down, still holding Rowan’s hands. She stared at their laced fingers for so long that, after a few minutes, Rowan thought she wasn’t going to say anything, get up, and walk away.

“I had lunch with Lysandra three days ago.” She said, her tone barely above a whisper and yet her words sounded so loud as they ricocheted through the empty park. Rowan couldn’t understand how having lunch with Lysandra had to do with her refusal, and yet he found himself hanging on every word that escaped her lips as if they were food to a starved man.

“I know.” He said when she fell silent again.

“We had lunch at the hospital, I was doing my yearly check up.” She continued, still staring at their hands as if she couldn’t bear looking at his face. At the mention of the doctor, accompanied by the seriousness of her voice, Rowan’s shock was immediately substituted with terror. “Everything was normal, I did some exams and went home.”

He didn’t say anything, too scared to say a word, to ask a question.

“Some results came back yesterday.” Aelin took a deep breath, finally raising her head to look at Rowan’s face. Her turquoise and gold eyes were shining with unshed tears, and she gave him a smile that would have destroyed his heart if it wasn’t already shattered. “You want to be a dad, Ro.”

Rowan’s brows furrowed, his mind trying to catch up with what she was saying. “Yes?”

Aelin shrugged, raising her eyes to look at the moon rather than looking at him. “And I can’t be a mom.”

His mind was still trying to catch up to her words, to wrap every single inch of attention he had in his body around the meaning of what she was saying, of what she was implying. A lonely tear slid down Aelin’s cheek, and if she wasn’t gripping his hands so fiercely, Rowan would have wiped it away.

He didn’t say anything— didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if she even wanted him to say anything. Some things were inconsolable, and the only thing anyone could do to the person was just sit there in silence and let them get it all out.

Aelin’s beautiful and sad face slid back to him, small and sad smile still gracing her lips. She looked so heartbroken, so lost that Rowan wanted to destroy the thing causing her pain.

But this time there was nothing he could do.

“I am infertile.” She said out loud, more to herself than to him, he realized. By the look on her face, by her posture and the way she spoke, Rowan guessed that was the first time she was saying it out loud. She straightened her spine, staring deep into his eyes. “I am infertile. I can’t have children of my own.”

Rowan silently nodded, not uttering a word as he realized she wasn’t done talking.

“Completely infertile. No treatment, no chance of a miracle, no nothing. I will never get pregnant, Rowan.” Her face was a mixture of anguish, confusion, and, deep down, a small parcel of acceptance. “I won’t get the big belly, the pregnancy cramps. I don’t get my ultrasounds, belly kicks, and first cry. I don’t get the excitement of using a pharmacy pregnancy test, or the thrill of looking at a screen while a nurse rubs that thing against my belly to know the baby’s sex. I don’t get any of that.”

“Ace…”

“And I wanted all that.” She said, determined even as Rowan heard her throat closing up against the words. “Always have.”

Rowan nodded, squeezing her hands. “I know.”

And he did. Every time they talked about the future, Aelin included kids. Always said she wished to be a mom, wished to have a large family. She herself hadn’t had that when she was younger. Her parents died before she could form any memories with them, and Aelin jumped from house to house until she was adopted when she was twelve. For the longest time after that, it had been only Aelin and Darrow. During her first year of college he helped her learn more about her family— which led to her discovering the existence of Aedion and Gavriel.

She let go of Rowan’s hands, cleaning her face from her tears before looking at him.

“And it is something that hurts— knowing I won’t have it. But it is also something that I need to learn how to live with, because it won’t go away.” She looked so determined, so resolute that Rowan allowed himself a small spark of pride amongst the grief raging inside his chest for his girlfriend. “And it hurts like a bitch now, and it will probably never be something I am happy or even comfortable with, but I will learn how to deal with it. How to wake up everyday and learn more and more until it’s a sad reminder that sometimes pops into my mind, not a soul crushing fact.”

“Aelin—“ Rowan started even though he didn’t really know what to say.

“And I did not accept your proposal because you deserved to know this fact before tying your life to mine.” Her eyes still held some tears, but none of them fell. “I need you to propose to the whole me.”

“And I do.” Rowan said the second she finished speaking. He cradled her face in between his hand, thumb brushing over her lips. “Ace, I would propose to you no matter what.”

Her face was serious, and she blinked a few times before saying. “So you don’t care the slightest about the infertility? It’s not something that makes you think a second longer about the proposal?”

He nodded. “I don’t. It’s not.”

She took his hands off her face, putting them on his lap. “Then my answer is no.”

“What?”

She shook her head, strawberry golden hair falling from her loose braids. “This is something that should make you think longer, Rowan. This should be something that makes you stop for a second and think about what the future is going to be like. You talked about me getting pregnant before, and so don’t insult me by saying that you absolutely don’t care. You do. Just like me, you care so fucking much. But the difference between me and you is that you have a choice. You’re not infertile, I am. You can go out there and get someone pregnant, that’s not an option for me.”

“Aelin, I—“

“No. I won’t have you like this. I love you, Ro. I love you so fucking much, and I love how you feel you can love me no matter what. But I don’t need rushed and desperate demonstrations of love, not about this. I need a resonate, well thought response to something that is a big fucking deal. I need for you to understand that there will be no miracle here. I need for you to understand that you will see your friends getting pregnant, your friends’ wives getting pregnant. I need for you to understand that I will never carry your children. I love you, Rowan, but I will not be having you resent your abrupt choice to stay with me. I won’t be having you looking at me with any ounce of regret. If you want to marry me, then you will marry all of me.”

“You want me to think.” Rowan said slowly, his mind replaying what Aelin had just said over and over again.

She nodded firmly. “Not for five minutes, not for an hour. I want you to go home and think about it. To look at it and understand it.”

“And then you’ll answer my proposal.” It wasn’t a question.

“If the offer still stands.” She answered anyways.

————————————

Aelin wanted a kid.

She always had. She was good with kids, had loved babysitting during her adolescence. When she graduated from college and opened her own gallery, she made sure to have a fully white room, full of paints, just so kids could come in just to ruin the pristine walls. She loved a baby’s laugh, a baby’s smell, and smile. She loved everything about motherhood.

She would have loved being a mother.

She would love being a mother, Aelin forced her brain to correct itself.

Infertility had been a blow to every single part of her body, and the moment she read the results was like her body was trying to suffocate itself. She hadn’t been immediately overcome with grief, or sadness, or despair. For the following hour after reading the diagnosis, Aelin just sat on the kitchen floor, staring at a cabinet long enough that she almost opened a hole in it.

It hurt. It hurt like a bitch, and a part of her simply knew it would always hurt like a bitch. She knew it wasn’t the end of the world, knew there were so many more options, so many new treatments being created, and yet she simply could not bring herself to shove all those feelings away. Couldn’t force herself to pretend as if it didn’t impact her at all.

She could still be a mom— she would be a mom. Adoption had always been a part of her plans. Yes, it was something she had considered doing after getting pregnant, but adoption had been something Aelin was adamant on since she was younger. To be honest, whenever Aelin thought about the future, pregnancy was a one-time thing while she wanted to adopt at least three kids.

Maybe more.

And she would love her kids so intensely, so profoundly, that nothing but absolute love would fill her body. Just like she had been loved after her parents passed and she was adopted by Darrow.

For the first time in five days— since she read the diagnosis— Aelin genuinely smiled.

Life had been hard during the first twelve years of her life. Parents died in a fire when she was eight months, ended in the system, and just jumped around for years. People have a preference for babies, and so as she grew older and remained unadopted, Aelin’s chances of getting her own little family were thinning at the same rate her desperation was growing larger.

And then Darrow appeared.

Darrow, at first glance, reminded Aelin of a superhero movie villain. Always wearing black, a scowl on his face, and rich enough to wipe his own ass with hundred dollar bills. Whenever in public, the businessman was cold and detached, a mentor rather than father. At home, however, he was always simply Da. They never established if that was short for Darrow or for dad, but neither of them cared. Darrow had been her last hope, and he provided her enough to live a happy and comfortable life during her adolescence and young adult years. She would still call him every day, tell him how things were going with Rowan and the gallery.

Darrow had been her only family for so long, and although she loved him unconditionally, she wanted a bigger family.

“Hey, Da.” Aelin said against the phone, leaning on the balcony. “How’s everything?”

“Everything is great, m’eudail. The company is doing better than ever, and I’ve been thinking about getting a dog.” Aelin could hear him moving around, picking up papers as he probably looked for something. “But how are you? You sound different. Did something happen? Rowan?”

Aelin sighed, staring off the balcony. The day was coming to an end, the sunset painting the sky all shades of red, pink, and gold. “No. Yes. Kinda? I don’t know.”

Darrow laughed, a throaty sound Aelin doubted many people ever heard. “Why don’t you explain to me then? I’m smart, but even I can’t be that good of a guesser.”

“I’m infertile, Da.” Aelin whispered against the phone.

“Oh, m’eudail…” Aelin heard her Da’s voice full of pain for her, even when he was miles away. “I am so sorry.”

She shrugged even though he couldn’t see. “Me too. Cried like a baby for the past days, but you’ll be proud to know that I have reached a resigned form of acceptance. I always wanted to get pregnant and adopt, well, a small change in plans, but not the end of the world.”

“You’re allowed to be sad.”

“I know. I am.”

“But I am proud nonetheless.” Darrow said, and Aelin could hear a small smile in his voice. “You’ll be a great mom.”

Aelin smiled. “I know. I will.”

“And Rowan…”

“He proposed.” Aelin sighed, remembering the absolute ecstasy and euphoria that overtook her whole body when Rowan got down on one knee. She wanted to jump on him, laugh, and kiss him until they were both breathless. “Before he knew about the infertility. So I said no.”

All the moving around stopped on Darrow’s end of the call. “You said no?”

“He should know about it before marrying me. Rowan wants to be a dad.”

“He still can.” Da said. “I was.”

“Maybe he wants his wife to carry his biological children.” Aelin shrugged again, heart breaking a little. “Maybe it’s not something he can give up and not look back at it in the future.”

“I have the feeling that boy would give up just about anything for you and never look back, Aelin.” Her Da said, letting out a sigh.

“Did he tell you to tell me that?”

Darrow laughed. “Yes. Me and your boyfriend have these weekly heartfelt calls where we talk about our feelings.”

Aelin tried to contain a smile. “It would be fitting. You two have the same emotional availability.”

“We do, and you were the only one ever I ever let this close in my life, my darling daughter. No surprise you’re the only one for him, too.” He sounded as if he was sitting down, and Aelin could almost picture him on his office’s chair, rubbing his temples like he used to whenever she’d get in trouble in school and had to tell him. “Rowan’s a smart boy. Practical. I suppose you gave him time to think?”

“Yeah. A few days now.”

“I already know his answer.”

“So you do have heartfelt calls with my boyfriend.” Aelin tried to suffocate some of her nervousness. Her dad was so sure, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to be so confident. And losing Rowan would be such a painful, heart-shredding blow.

Just the thought was a painful, heart-shredding blow.

Darrow laughed, but some concern was present in his voice. “Ae—“

“I gotta go, Da.” Aelin said abruptly, interrupting him. “I love you.”

“Love you too, m’eudail.” Darrow managed to say before Aelin ended the call.

Everything was happening both too fast and too slow, and she just needed a fucking moment. She needed a fucking moment to sit down and think about nothing— no worries, no doubts. Nothing. She just wanted to have one single simple day where nothing bothered her.

She stared off the balcony until the sun had fully set, until the moon appeared and the stars started shinning. She stared off the balcony until the evening rush of hundreds of cars was substituted by hundreds of people walking around, going and coming back from places. High heels and sneakers sounded against the cobblestones, loud music from nearby bars sounded louder and louder every minute. The world was buzzing with life.

“Any particular reason why we are staring off the balcony so intently?” A low voice she’d recognize anywhere sounded from the open door separating the balcony and the living room.

Aelin didn’t turn around, and Rowan didn’t take a step forward. They just remained in silence, both looking at what felt like the whole world.

“Have been considering throwing Aedion off here. Asshole ate my box of chocolates.” Aelin murmured, and Rowan huffed a laugh in response, finally taking a step towards her.

Aelin turned around, feeling all the air leave her lungs when she looked at his face. Rowan was so painfully beautiful that Aelin couldn’t help but smile when her eyes fell on his face. He seemed so determined and so hopeful at the same time that Aelin heard her own heartbeats sounding louder than any of the sounds coming from below. “Hi.”

“Hi.” He mimicked her small smile, crossing his arms to stop himself from coming closer. He wanted, but was probably scared that one single abrupt movement would have Aelin bolting away from him. “How are you?”

“Good. Better. I talked to my Da.”

“What did he say?”

“The expected.” She shrugged, not knowing what to say.

“Aelin.”

“Rowan.”

“I thought about it.” Rowan said, a small nod of his head. “For the past days, I thought about it and then I thought about what I would tell you.”

Her breath caught in her throat, and Aelin simply assented, not trusting herself with words.

“I want kids. Always have. Different reasons than you, though.” Rowan started, looking directly into her face, eyes never wavering anywhere else. “You wanted a big family because for so long it was just you, and then just you and Darrow. I wanted a big family because I grew up surrounded by so many cousins, so many aunts and uncles, that a small family sounds strange.”

Aelin nodded automatically. She knew that, knew that Rowan’s reasons to want a bigger family and her own reasons were the complete opposite. He had a big family and wanted to remain as such, Aelin had a small one and wanted to change that.

“I might not be the warmest, but I want to be a dad. I’m not giving that up.”

“I know.” Aelin whispered.

Rowan’s eyes deepened, and his brows furrowed slightly. “But I never cared about biological children, Aelin. If— When. When I marry you, I want to adopt. More than one, more than two. I don’t care about you getting pregnant, Ace. It was never about that. I want to marry you, and I want to be the father of your kids. And that’s all. If adoption is our only choice, then I’m gonna make sure it’s our best choice. We’ll build a life great enough that no other possible reality will ever compare to. I’m gonna love you and those kids more than I could ever love anyone else.”

Rowan ended the distance between them, taking Aelin’s face gently and tilting it up. He pressed his lips softly against hers— one time, two times, three times. He kissed her lovingly and so slowly, as if they had all the time in the world.

“The only regret I could ever have about you, Fireheart, is the one I would feel every single fucking second if I let you go.” He kissed her again, wiping away tears from her pretty face. “You will be an amazing mother, Ace, and I will try every day to be a good dad. And I will love you so goddamn much every single day that you will never feel like a burden to me, because you are not one. You’ll never be a burden to me, Aelin.”

Aelin passed her arms around Rowan’s neck, chest bursting with so many emotions she could barely breathe. She let out a laugh against Rowan’s lips, damp cheeks touching his. His hands dug into her hair, pulling her face up so he could kiss her properly. It was so sweet and so loving, that if Aelin didn’t fully belong to that man already, that man would have ensured that. His warm lips against hers felt like the answers to so many questions, some that she hadn’t even asked, all ensuring her that they would be fine.

They would be great.

Rowan would always be the one for her, and Aelin would always be the one for him.

“Aelin Ashryver Galathynius, you will give me the honor to be your husband.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes.” She answered anyways.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N: Ok, so this was something. Again, hit very close to home. Different people will react differently to the same situation. The way I write is based on what I have seen, but just know that every reaction is valid. Whether it crushes your soul, or maybe doesn’t impact you at all, know that it is valid. it will always be valid. And that you deserve someone who will never make you feel bad about something you cannot control. You deserve greatness, how you achieve it or what obstacles are in your way don’t matter. You deserve it.

Tags:

@in-love-with-caramel-macchiato @jlinez @courtofjurdan @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @ladywitchling @lexflame @sleeping-and-books @annejulianneh111 @perseusannabeth @linshryver @mu-si-ca-l @camilamartinezdunne @dank-queen7 @minaidss @starborn-faerie-queen @booksofthemoon @loveofbooksandwine @jesstargaryenqueen @bluejaberry @multifandommessblog @yesdreamblog @superspiritfestival @ireallyshouldsleeprn @woollycat22 @julemmaes @claralady @abookishfreak @faerie-queen-fireheart @maastrash @morganofthewildfire @queen-of-glass @heirofthenightcourt @booksbqueen @heirofthrnightcourt004

[doberbutts]

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was beaten by his father so savagely that he went deaf, while his father’s girlfriend watched and did nothing?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was abandoned and locked inside an empty apartment until the 1950s equivalent of CPS was tipped off he was there and took him to save him from starvation, because dear old grandpa and his girlfriend at the time didn’t want a defective child once they figured out they’d permanently fucked him up?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he bounced from foster home to foster home until he was held down and raped by one of his foster brothers, tried to tell his foster mother, and she just called him a faggot and left it at that?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was finally reunited with his mother and had to scrape together a living by eating stale bread and running errands for what turned out to be local gangs, because she was too poor to feed another mouth?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he watched a black man shot by police bleed out in the street?

Where was my father’s male privilege when teachers who should have caught his deafness instead made him believe he was failing his classes because he was stupid because that’s just how black people are?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he got the tar kicked out of him by his white classmates who felt emboldened by their female teacher’s anti-black racism?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he brought the subject of racism up with the school board after a cross was lit on fire on his desk, and he was dismissed by both male and female staff?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he struggled to find a job after completing college, completing a master’s degree, which he paid for exclusively with scholarships earned from his competitive essay writing, because no one wanted to hire a disabled black man?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was accused of assault by a white female student who could not keep her story straight and eventually admitted she had made it up because she wanted to put her black principal back in his place?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was violently cuffed and illegally searched while I sat in the carseat and he was forced to comfort me through the window?

Where was my father’s male privilege when his wife, my mother, was immediately disowned by her entire family for associating herself with him? When she was forced to make a choice between a future with him, or her family? When he sees this echo with his children, and my sister’s children have still never met my brother-in-law’s family despite more than 10 years of marriage?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he came to pick us up from school and my school refused to let him in until the cops verified he was exactly who he said he was? Despite his name matching his ID, the lanyard he wore stating he was a principal at a nearby school, and the name on the school registry as being one of my parents? Despite me being called into the office to peek through the blinds at him and verifying that yes, this was my father?

Where was my father’s male privilege as neighbors who protested living near a black man repeatedly called the police on him as he pulled into the driveway of the house he’s lived in since I was born, let himself in with his own key, with ID to match the address and having known these neighbors by first name? To the point my white-passing mother had to diffuse the situation?

My father is straight and cis. My father is black and disabled. My father is a survivor. My father is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about him, but he is not trash. He has not skated through life as though it’s easy. His life was significantly harder than my mother’s, and her life wasn’t easy either. He has been hurt by men. He has been hurt by women. Some of the instances he has been hurt, my mother was directly sheltered from because she is a woman.

Her father was also an angry drunk, but deliberately did not take his anger out on his daughters, preferring to beat his son bloody instead. Mom has the trauma of watching her father beat the piss out of her brother and having to patch him back up after, but never of having been beaten herself.

Mom found herself in compromising and dangerous positions at times, but was protected from physical harm by her brother and the other men around her who saw it as their duty to protect the girls from that sort of thing. Literally the only good thing about rural purity culture.

Mom has a history of speaking out against racism and discrimination when she sees it, but has never needed to throw a punch in her life, because there was always a man around to protect her from the resulting fight. The men might not have agreed with her views on race but they were connected to her and thus duty/honor bound to protect her if someone tried to jump her because she wouldn’t let them beat up the black kid or told them to stop bothering the asian kid.

Mom never once had to stop and consider that it would be kinder to her partner to break things off.

Mom has never been falsely accused of assault because it’s just assumed that women don’t do that.

Mom has never been accused of trying to kidnap us because it’s believable that a white woman has mixed race kids that are darker than her but inconceivable that a black man has mixed race kids that are lighter than him.

Mom has never had the police called on her for entering her own house in their very white neighborhood.

Mom has only been pulled over once in her life, and the cop was far more interested in what my sisters and I were doing in her car than anything she might have potentially done.

My mother is straight and cis. She is also a white-passing POC and disabled. My mother is a survivor. My mother is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about her, but even she admits that her life was easier than my dad’s.

Cis, straight men suffer. White men suffer. My uncle is also a white-passing POC and a survivor. Do you know how much pent up anger he has? Still has, even though my grandfather changed and got better and apologized and owned up to his wrongs? Even though my grandfather’s been dead for years now? My uncle is sullen and prefers a bottle to take away his pain, pain he’s not been able to process, not been allowed to process, and he’s been that way since he was a child, which is not surprising considering what I’ve been directly told the beatings entailed... and things are always worse than what you’re told when it comes to that.

And all of that anger and resentment and rage and pain builds and builds until one of his sisters pokes him a little too hard about it and then he roars at them and storms off and he knows it’s wrong to take it out on them and he knows it’s not fair and that they only mean well but it hurts and he knows no other outlet besides lashing out because that was the only thing he was ever taught. Men get drunk and then get angry and then get violent. So he stops himself at yelling because he knows he can’t hit in anger, and he leaves and bangs doors behind him and stomps off until he calms down.

And you can say “dude needs therapy” and you know... you’re not wrong. But why would he ever seek it? When he sought help as a child he was told to be a man and suck it up and harden and grow some balls. His mother didn’t intervene to help him. You know, I know, he knows it’s because she was afraid her husband would turn on her. But it still hurts to know your own mother let your own father do that to you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. The most help he ever got was some first aid from his sisters when my grandfather decided he was done being angry. His teachers just knew him as an angry, sullen boy who frequently got into fistfights with other angry, sullen boys and chalked new bruises up to that. 

If you grow up like this, betrayed by everyone who is supposed to help you, then why would you ever consider seeking outside help as an adult?

And if your reaction is- see? He is a violent man! He is part of the problem! He could seek help and won’t because he is a stubborn man that wants to make his problems into women’s problems by relying on his sisters!

Then you fail to understand that my uncle is the way he is because of unprocessed, repeated trauma and betrayal that he was actively discouraged from seeking help to free himself of the cycle and start to heal. And his sisters were the only people in his life that did not harm him in that way, so at this point his sisters and his wife are the only people he trusts when triggers get poked and the pot boils over.

He does need therapy. He’s not likely to ever seek it out. And it’s because he was born a boy that this happened to him, and it’s because he was born a boy that no one was willing to help when he needed it most.

These men are not part of the queer community. They still were made vulnerable, and needed help, and did not get any, because of that same logic that drives these feelings about men not needing to be helped or included or assisted today. It’s not progressive just because the logic is coming from the queer community this time instead of conservative christians.

[justafandomfollower]

Thoughts on Stargirl S02E01

Season 2 is here! So, I watched the first episode last night and, while I don’t often do this for TV shows I watch, wanted to share/write up my thoughts about the episode. I mean, overall, I thought it was really good and I was grinning like a loon to see the familiar characters back onscreen. But, more than that, I had some thoughts on individual characters.

First, I really really liked the way they handled Courtney’s “overworking” as Stargirl. A lot of other shows would have the debate about how being Stargirl is dangerous and she’s just a teenager, etc., etc. But they hashed that out last season, and they’re not bringing it up again here, which should be the bare minimum but ends up just being refreshing. Pat never says she needs to put away the staff (except for that last bit where he grounds her, and even that’s temporary). Instead, he cautions her to find a balance between the superhero and non-superhero parts of her life, to pass her classes, get good grades, get some sleep, learn to take breaks every now and again, and think about her future.

I do think Courtney will ultimately be proven right about the threats that are out there (I mean, duh, we saw Cindy and Eclipso right there), but nothing Pat said was wrong, or telling her that there were no threats. So, yeah. Big fan of that part. As for Green Lantern’s daughter, while Courtney was her usual “act first, think later” self, I also kind of can’t blame her, because someone did sneak into their house and steal important JSA relics. There were faults on both sides here.

The rest of my thoughts I’ve thrown under a read-more because it’s long and rambling:

I’m pretty solid and happy with where the other three JSA kids are at the moment, but I figured I’d still break it down a little.

Yolanda: I like that she’s struggling with what she did, even months later. I like that she knows she can’t say anything at church, I like that she’s still able to talk about it with Courtney, and I like that Courtney was supportive without outright agreeing with or condemning her actions. It’s a tough thing for kids to talk about, and while an experienced adult like Pat might be able to understand it better, I like that Yolanda’s not completely bottling it up.

On that note, though, they said Cindy might have gotten crushed when the satellite came down, “like Brainwave”, so there’s a possibility here that nobody else knows what Yolanda did, which’ll be interesting to see play out, if that’s true.

Rick: Again, I like where he’s at. He’s more confident in who he is, a little more settled, but also still lost. He claims Tyler as his name again and knows he’s a hero, but he doesn’t know where he goes from here. I think that’s part of why he’s seeking out Grundy, because he’s still clinging to that part of his past because he doesn’t have any clue of what’s in his future.

He’s still very much an angry teenager new at being a superhero, ranting to that teacher about how he saved her, but knowing his character (and acknowledging how crappy that teacher was), I can’t entirely blame him for that. Was it a good move? No. Did it make sense? Absolutely.

Speaking of that teacher, she was not a good one. Can I understand her wariness about the bad boy of the school suddenly getting every answer right? Sure. But, 1) it’s been months, so surely there’s been some gradual improvement, 2) that’s not the way to do it; talk to him about it, sure, but don’t refuse to accept his explanations, and 3) refusing to accept his name change is a jerk move that a figure of authority shouldn’t be making. I could wave away the first one from TV-time-skipping-magic, but not the other two. I don’t really think we’ll see this character again (but maybe in summer school), but she’s more of a vessel to show us 1) how Rick’s changed and 2) how the way others see him hasn’t, so, I suppose, in that regard, she did her job.

Beth: It’s neat that the goggles still seem to be (mostly) working, but it’s the AI that’s not functioning. Not the route I’d thought they’d go, but it’s really interesting because it gives Beth a chance to expand her skill set, or at least expand it to the viewer, and give her a role as a coder/computer scientist. It also doesn’t cheapen the “death” of the AI that happened last season.

Also, like the others (Rick at school with the teachers, Courtney and Yolanda having a discussion in the middle of main street, even Pat with STRIPE), she’s not great at hiding her activities. They’re just goggles, maybe, and she could explain them away fairly easy, but I don’t like the way she just leaves them out around the house. I’m okay with it for now because 1) she’s a teenager, still learning, and they are pretty innocuous, 2) some of it’s probably just TV “requirements”, like not wanting to cut from scene to scene or whatever (idk, I’m not in the TV business), and 3) her parents seem pretty clueless.

And speaking of her parents, man did I not like them even more this season. Every time I saw them on screen my mind went straight to: “good people, terrible parents”. Did they ever even want a kid, or did they just like the idea of having a kid to fit into their “perfect lives” until even that wasn’t enough to keep them together? They’re barely aware of what Beth does on a day to day basis, she still seems to be the one doing all the cooking, and they forget to tell her they’re coming home late? Bad parenting, and selfish parenting at that.

Overall, my mood about Beth this episode can be summed up like this: Do I like Beth struggling? No. Does it open up possibilities for what could be a really intriguing character arc? Yeah.

My biggest complaint about our JSA is that there weren’t really any scenes of them together, but that’s more of the time constraints of having so many characters we needed to get concrete information on regarding where they stand. They had that nice patrol scene in the beginning to let us know they’re all still solid friends, so I’m happy enough with that for now.

Other thoughts:

Barbara wasn’t really in it much (no mention of her job, though the newspaper article did say something about The American Dream going through changes after the death of its leader or something like that), but I can sympathize with her wanting a vacation and not getting one. It’ll be interesting to see how okay she is with Courtney as Stargirl as things get more dangerous.

Mike, likewise, wasn’t much present, but it’s clear he’s still struggling to be a part of things. Pat wasn’t wrong, when he said that the discipline, etc. from having a job was important, but it still feels like he’s brushing Mike aside and not letting him be involved, so I can see some more resentment brewing this season. Better than last season, but c’mon Pat. Mike just wants to help. Still, hopefully we’ll get a better idea of where Mike stands in future episodes.

Artemis. Really interesting the way she brushed aside her parents being in jail as them being wrongly convicted. I’ve seen Young Justice, so I’m looking forward to seeing if they turn her into a villain or hero here.

Zeek. (Is that how he spelled it? It looked like that on his hat.) I’m, probably unnecessarily, wary of how interested he was in working with Pat at the show (does he know something?) but for now I’m mostly just mildly amused at his “I don’t care what you do on your time, but hey, do you think that robot could use a flamethrower?”. Also. Pat. C’mon man. You’ve been in this business for decades. Hide your robot better. (Though, I’ll admit, he was only resigned when he realized Zeek had found it, so... Did he have an excuse ready? Did he just not read Zeek as a threat? I’m probably reading too much into this, but it’ll again be interesting to see where it goes.)

Cameron’s back, seemingly unaware of everything, and it looks like his murderous grandparents are taking care of him. Not great, but, eh, we’ll see what happens.

Sylvester is still tracking down Pat. I’m a little bit glad the landlord either didn’t give him, or didn’t have, Pat’s information from that end scene last season. I’m also interested to see if Maggie (Mike’s Mom, if my understanding of comics I haven’t read is correct) sticks around. Sylvester seems supremely unworried and in a mostly good mood, despite his desire to track down Pat, so I really want to know what’s up with him. I’ve seen some fan theories of time travel and him being a displaced Starman, which could be interesting, but I have no idea if they’re accurate. He certainly seems to be the real deal, at least with all the right memories.

Cindy and Eclipso. That opening scene was creepy, and made me question if I’d turned on the right show, and the connection with the McNider family is really interesting. Did not like the way she had Mike’s picture, but from a writing POV I really liked it. I don’t want Mike to go villain, but I mostly trust the writers to see how this plays out.

Other thoughts: The town seems to have moved on from the mind control/satellite-dish-from-the-football-field thing, so I’m guessing there weren’t too many causalities. New principal makes sense, and I like that they didn’t need to shove it in our face to remind us what happened to the old one (plus that scene where Courtney bumps into her kid; nice and simple and shows a little of how he’s coping). I appreciate that Henry hasn’t been forgotten. No glimpse of Yolanda’s home life yet, or Rick’s uncle. No idea how Rick managed to change his name, but the threat he was hiding from is more or less gone, so it makes sense.

I may have forgotten something here or there, but anyone who’s made it this far deserves a cookie, so, thanks for reading! I’m always up for discussion if anyone wants to add on or debate any of my points.

[razorblade180]

Shackles 12: Protect your own

[part 11]

One thing leads to another. Pain brings grief, joy brings progress, day brings night; Jacquelyn knew simple truths like these, but she had really wished she could get her joy before night came. That didn’t seem to be the case. The tired woman sat on the Belladonna balcony. Her eyes scanned the stars that have kept her company for many years, bringing a sense of ease while her hands clasped a mug of warm tea. Blake’s mother, Kali, walked up from inside the house and poured more.

“Thank you.” Jacquelyn uttered softly. All day Kali hadn’t spoken a word to her. The older woman gave no expression, but her eyes said enough. They were upset, and mulling things over. “I’m-”

“If you’re going to apologize then don’t. There’s nothing you could say on his behalf.”

“Of..of course. I would never. I was going to apologize for myself. I’m…I involved your daughter in this. That one is on me.”

Kali looked over Jacquelyn. It just didn’t make sense to her. The girl before her sat solemnly waiting for a man who’s wracked sorrow to countless lives.

“If I wasn’t for Sun and Ilia, I would’ve denied you being here. I don’t want him near my home. He’s caused enough harm.”

“I understand. Still, I’m grateful. I know this can’t be easy for you.”

Tears of frustration welled up in Kali’s eyes the more Jacquelyn spoke to her. “Did you have a mother growing up?”

“…For a while. I lost her young.”

“I don’t know you, but I can tell she must’ve been caring; the kind of mother that would go to war for you.”

“Hehe, yeah, she was.” A tiny smile crept to her face, thinking back on the remarkable woman. “I owe her a lot in life.”

“A good mother’s only wish in life is to keep their kids safe and happy no matter what. So yeah, this isn’t easy. The thing I love the most in this world, my precious baby girl, you’ve helped invite back the very thing I failed to protect her from. I’m absolutely livid.So don’t tell me you understand. You’re not a mother.”

A lump formed in Jacquelyn’s throat. The little joy she had fizzled out. Kali’s words felt colder than Atlas winds and they had a right to be. However…a click at the door cut through all that.

“We’re home.” Blake said down stairs. Kali quickly ran downstairs. Jacquelyn put down the mug and ran too, but then, she stopped. A loud slurp came from behind her. She turned back around, gasping. Adam sat in her chair with her mug. His face was a bit pale and clothes were replaced with something a bit nostalgic.

“Hey, how you feeling? ” She said, smirking at his attempts to look cool.

“Dehydrated. Also a little stuffy.” He took off his old signature jacket. “Cannot believe this thing was still around. I guess evidence lockers really collect everything.”

“Did you climb up here?”

“Both Ghira, Blake and I all agreed that Kali is the absolute last person who should see me.” He walked towards her.

“Pfft yeah.” Jacquelyn did her best to chuckle but the smile she tried to force turned to a lip quiver while tears came automatically. Adam put her arms around her and she lost it. Her fingers clung to his shirt and wept, not caring who heard.

“Do you enjoy scaring me?”

“What did you think happened to me?”

“I don’t fucking know.” She sniffed, “so many things. I didn’t want to think you decided to up and leave but now I kinda wish that was the case. At least then I could be pissed at you for being an idiot. I held you Adam. You were so cold.”

“You off all people should know how close to death I can get. But I’ll admit it, I thought I was a goner. I’ll tell you about everything later, but first…” Adam let her go and stepped out of view from the balcony doors.

The entire Belladonna family came up stairs. Kali’s eyes were noticeably more red and her hand held Ghira’s. Blake’s eyes were also a bit puffy but much less.

Jacquelyn sighed as she wiped her own eyes. “Have we all been crying today?”

Blake chuckled halfheartedly “Looks like it. You okay?”

“Not really. I need a nap.”

Kali looked at the balcony. “…Adam, sincerity starts with eye contact.”

“Is that what you want from me?”

“No. Frankly I like not seeing you, but it’s rude to let this woman stand alone after waiting.” Kali wasn’t petty. She knew this wasn’t about her.

Adam walked into view slowly and stood beside Jacquelyn. He took Kali’s glare head on. It was actually nice to know one person in this room would definitely not hold back against him. He’s gotten used to that.

Blake looked at Jacquelyn and spoke. “Where’s Ilia and Sun? I thought they would’ve stayed.”

“Those two only stayed for about an hour. Ilia said she had to do something important and Sun tagged along with her. I have no idea where but they took an airship. They said they’d be back by sunrise.”

That was a little concerning. Blake had hoped to have everyone here for this. What in the world could possess them to leave?

“Guess this is everyone for now. Adam, we gotta do something with you. Even if you’re technically dead, things have to be different.”

“Lock me up.” He said bluntly. Everyone jumped a little from the suggestion.

“Lock you up!? Adam I made a case to keep you out of-”

“I wasn’t finished.” He interjected. “There’s already a collection of people here who know I’m alive. Those guards of yours in particular. Loyalty is easy to strain. If you just let me walk then they will resent you. Allowing them to put me behind bars covertly might give you a better chance to negotiate what to do with me later on.”

“Or you’re locked up forever without real protection. You might be at their mercy. I’m not allowing that.”

Jacquelyn nodded. “Neither am I. We didn’t get you out of one situation just to throw you back into the exact same one! Even if they work for Blake, she can’t watch over their every action.”

Ghira rubbed his beard. That was true. It wouldn’t be good for Blake to be visiting jail constantly anyways, still. “It wouldn’t be wise for Adam to go unpunished. I think for people’s peace of mind he must be detained for a while.”

“Dad! But…”

“Saber is a good man. He wouldn’t act out of line on a whim. Besides, I will volunteer personally to check on him daily.”

Kali looked at Blake’s shocked expression. “Sweetie, he is still a criminal.”

“I know, but…this doesn’t solve anything! How do you expect him to prove things are different behind a cell!?” Blake looked at Adam. “How can you be okay with it?”

“I’m not. If I see another pair of shackles again it would be too soon; but the public finding out about me is no short of a death sentence. However, I do have conditions for going along with this.”

Kali’s eyes narrowed. “Are you really in a position to discuss terms?”

“As long as this is a majority, then yes.” That wasn’t gonna score points with her but oh well Atonement or not, Adam refused to be walked all over. “First, Jackie’s home was blown up. I’d like her to stay here until it can be rebuilt. Second, I’d also want Sienna to be put in Jackie's care when she’s out of the hospital.”

Both Kali and Jacquelyn were highly confused. The maiden spoke up. “Ummm Sienna Khan?”

“Hmm? Oh, no. She’s this little girl that escaped the mineshaft with me.”

“White tiger ears? I remember a girl by you in the desert. Why me?”

“Unfortunately she’s not speaking much.” Ghira said. “Adam says you’re pretty good and patient with situations like these. Also, the child seems attached to Adam, so maybe she’ll be comfortable with the person around him.”

“Be careful though. She can get pretty defensive and violent.”

Jacquelyn squinted. “Giving me a way to focus while you’re gone, is that it? Hmph, like I’d say no regardless. Of course I’ll help her if I can.” She folded her arms. Guess she was getting single mother practice early.

“I’m glad. I do have one more condition.” He put his arm over the maiden’s shoulder and pulled her close. “I’ll go to jail, after I help Jacquelyn get through her pregnancy.”

The room went silent. Jacquelyn felt her face get hot and eyes water again. He knew. These terms weren’t for his benefit at all. They were all for her.

Ghira and Kali looked at each other, shocked by this revelation. A twinge of guilt hit Kali for the words she spoke early, but now she understood Jacquelyn’s feelings just a little bit more.

“You would send yourself to jail even knowing her condition?”

“I don’t make money and I don’t see any outcome where me being free makes it easier for Jacquelyn or those two kids. Anybody drawing the connections would be problematic to put it lightly. At least this way I’m not a complete dead beat. So, do we have an agreement?” He asked Ghira.

Blake bit her bottom lip. Right now she needs to look outside herself. She reminded herself of Yang’s parting words. “Slow down. I don’t need things done in a night. Sigh, besides, it’s not like I have a better plan.” Blake looked at her father. “It’s not unreasonable.”

“That’s not exactly the problem. I’d agree but even nine months of him being free is a lot to swallow. We simply don’t have the men to watch him or a place to keep him.”

“Yeah I don’t want him in my home of all places.” Kali added. “Now matter how you look at it, Adam is too dangerous for anyone to look after while he’s free. I can’t go on good faith where there isn’t any.”

“Mom he’s-”

“OH! OH! I’LL WATCH HIM!” Yelled a voice outside, brimming with energy.

A gust of wind blew in from the balcony bringing a glimmer of faith and dozens of rose petals. Blake’s jaw dropped. “Ruby!?”

The full fledged scythe wielding huntress grinned ear to ear. “Yo!” Ruby dashed in and stopped right in front of Blake, giving her a big hug and waving to her parents. “Busy day huh?”

Blake grabbed her leader by the shoulders. This had to be a fever dream. “Ruby, why are you here!?”

The reaper’s face went red as she started chuckling. “Hehe, so funny story…”

xxxx

“Ruby?!” Yang questioned, shouting over the edge of her ship at another ship passing by. Sure enough, her little sister turned around and gasped.

“Yang!? Why are you on a boat leaving Menagerie!?”

“Why are you on a boat docking to Menagerie is a better question!”

“I stopped by your house only to hear from Jaune that you went to see Blake for the first time in forever! You think I was gonna be calm about it? I took the first mission here I could find to have an excuse!”

Yang could not believe what she was hearing. “Rubes…but that..why!? Just why!?”

“You have a bad habit of saying things you don’t mean when you get emotional. If things went south then they might not get better.”

Moments like these made it really hard for Yang to believe she was the older sister; especially when Ruby is absolutely right. “Can you not call me out like that?”

“Why are you leaving? Don’t tell me things went up in flames?”

“N- Well they almost did, but it’s fine! We’re okay; more than okay. I had to cut things short because…I gotta do some stuff. So does she.” Ruby would have a cow if she learned Yang was pregnant. Yang wanted to tell her, but Jaune had to be first. Well…technically second, but first in her heart!”

Ruby could not believe she rushed over to Menagerie for nothing! Well at least her sister looked happy, so things must’ve gone okay. “Well, I’m happy for you! Sigh…I guess I’ll knock out this mission as fast as I can then-”

“Actually, Ruby, can you do your big sis a huge favor?”

xxxx

“And now I’m here.” Ruby rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. “Would’ve gotten here sooner but a supply mission is a supply mission. I also checked in with Saber, was it? When I explained who I was he gave me a brief and vague update. Since I came here to mediate in the first place and Yang asked so nicely, I thought I’d lend a hand.”

“You were gonna do that favor or no favor.”

Ruby grinned. It was nice to be known so well. “Mr. and Mrs. Belladonna, I’ll watch Adam. That’s the main reason you turned the offer right?”

“Y…Yes but-” Ghira stuttered.

Kali sighed, “Do you really plan on sticking around for nine months?”

“Technically as long as he’s with me and out of sight then I wouldn’t have to stay here specially, but I can understand if you don’t want him too far away. If he’s genuine then having him help rebuild the blown up home should be no problem. I can stay in the house to watch everyone, or I’m happy to rent a place and keep them there. Ilia has a spot out of the way of people. We got options.”

Call her impulsive, but Ruby was persistent. A game changer everywhere she went and she knew it. The girl took a step back to be in the middle of the room. Her hands went on her hips. The next words she spoke were with pure confidence and sincerity.

“If you need good faith then look towards me. I love your daughter like family and I’ve always looked out for people, so believe me when I say this. Adam Taurus has nothing on me. I can take him.” Bold words but she meant them to the letter.

That confidence was felt by everyone. Even Adam felt challenged, though he had no intention of betraying anyone. His first time seeing Blake’s leader and the sister of a person he never thought would save his life, and she was trash talking him. Huh, I guess they really were related. The argument was strong, too strong for Kali and Ghira to deny. Both of them gave a look of uncertainty before nodding.

“I will cut everyone some slack and let them stay in this room tonight as long as you’re here too.” Kali said.

“Yes ma’am. I appreciate it.” Ruby gave a nod as the older woman left.

Ghira gave a smile to Ruby. “I’m glad Blake has family everywhere.” He left after his wife, leaving the rest of them to sort the rest out.

Ruby finger gunned Blake before turning around,

approaching Adam for the first time in her life. He was definitely tall. That’s for sure. “I don’t think we’ve officially met yet.”

“But I’m positive you know everything you need to know about me?”

“Eh, Blake’s not much of a talker. My sister said a few things but they weren’t exactly helpful, just nasty. You’ve done a lot to her, more than you probably know. Still, Yang fights her own battles and I guess recently she won a big one. We’ll only have a fight if you start one, deal?” Ruby extended her hand.

Adam couldn’t get a read on Ruby. She was open, yet guarded. Kinda Jacquelyn. He shook her hand. “Pretty bold to say you can beat someone you never met.”

“Really? I don’t think so. If my friends could do it years ago then me doing it now should be cake. I mean you even look like a ghost right now.” Her eyes shifted to Jacquelyn. “Congratulations by the way.”

“Thanks?” Jacquelyn grabbed Adam’s sleeve. “Can the two of us talk on the balcony in private?”

“Be my guest.” Ruby watched her new assignment get dragged away by….whatever that girl was to him. “So Blake, I know this isn’t the sweetest vis-eep!” A tight hug snuck up on her.

Blake squeezed tightly and let her stress fade

away. “That’s my incredible leader. Always coming to my rescue.”

“Awe, oh sweet hehe. Now I really know you’re stressed.” Ruby hugged back happily.

Outside, things were a little less warm and cozy. The cool breeze against Jacquelyn’s skin did little to cool her off as her hands tugged gently on the front of Adam’s shirt. Her eyes were glued to the floor while she felt his hand on her head.

“For the record, I’m not the biggest fan of all this.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s been preaching about being more than what I was? Salvation and all that?”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t proud.” She lifted her for him to see her pouting. “So you knew I was pregnant all along? Gotta admit, that makes you getting kidnapped willingly and trying to go to jail makes you look really shitty.”

“Jackie-”

“I know I’m twisting your intentions but I can’t help but feel that way okay? I mean it’s fine. I’m just the gal who took pity on you and helped for her own therapeutic needs or salvation; whatever you wanna call it. Sure we slept around from time to time but that’s what happens when you have no one else. We had no labels. Circumstances made us glorified roommates at best. I mean yeah sure, on paper I guess I did what I set out to do. You’re changing.”

“And you’re trying not to cry.” He rubbed her cheek. Jackie wasted no time reaching to hold it in place. “You’ve spent a few years trying to get me to be more direct with myself. Think you can take your own advice right now.”

“……I fucked up. I should’ve just been helping you but I did more than that. I fell for you, and I can’t say with confidence I know how you feel back because we never talked about these things. A situation like this is what I used to imagine but along the line all I thought of was us, always together.”

“So you’re basically asking me what you are to me, is that it?”

“Stupid, right?” Jacquelyn started laughing at her own insecurities until Adam wrapped his arms around her and rested her head on his chest. The sound of his heart filled her senses and calmed her.

“I thought of you every day I was trapped. To tell you the truth, I don’t feel much different from the day you found me. If anything it’s only harder for me to deny how fucked I am.”

“Idiot, that’s a world of difference, and I’m not the only one who sees that.” Jacquelyn gave a soft smile. So much between was unsaid and uncertain, but that's fine for now. He thought of her, fought for her. She did the same. Those actions were worth a billion words. Roughly nine more months of actions before life changed forever. Best to not waste them. Jacquelyn tilted her head up and leaned in, kissing him gently. The joy she waited for was finally hers as he kissed her back.

Two sets of footsteps came back up the stairs. One pair was a very exhausted Ilia and the other was a slightly less tired Sun.

“Ilia! You’re back!” Blake yelled.

“Yeah I-” she spotted the intimacy happening on the balcony. “Hmm didn’t need to see that.”

“Be nice.”

“That’s what I’ve been doing this entire adventure. Also hey Ruby. Couldn’t resist a good drama?”

“As if! I came here to keep things drama free!”

Sun guided Ilia to the couch for her to plop on. Poor girl has been traveling nonstop for at least three days now. He was tired too, but a sudden rush of energy hit him in the form of Blake giving him a running hug and a quick passionate kiss that made him laugh.

“Haha, is that you saying sorry or thank you?”

“It’s me saying you’re amazing and I love you for rolling with this so effortlessly.”

“Oh there’s effort. You’re just worth it.” He smiled, kissing her again. “I’m just happy you’re safe, but you gotta-”

“Slow down. Yeah…I’ve been told.” Blake rested her head on his chest. His heartbeat was steady and strong, like he always is. “Where did you two go?”

Sun looked at Ilia who immediately got up and left to bother the pair on the balcony, grabbing Ruby too. Sun let Blake go. The man let out a faux cough. “So umm this is probably a completely inappropriate time to ask this but…”

Blake saw him reach into his pocket and her face immediately felt like fire. “Wait!” She frantically grabbed his wrist before he could take his hand out. “I know I asked but you could’ve lied!”

“Hey! I was actually trying to get things prepared back in Vacou but people started getting abducted. I know I just talked about you slowing things down and this isn’t the first time we’ve discussed-”

“Yes!” Blake could see the goofy and confused smile Sun was forming. It only flustered her more. “Don’t be surprised. Listen, it was always gonna be a yes. I’m still going to say yes; especially with all that’s happened. Lately it feels like I’ve been putting off things in my life for things I want in my life, but…you are someone I always want. Even if I don’t say it all the time.”

“I know that. It’s okay. Equality is busy work. It is your dream.”

Blake blushed, “So is marrying you. When this situation gets sorted out and dealt with, can you ask me then? You’ve given all your attention through this. I want to give you all of mine when.”

Drat! How could that feel so bittersweet sweet and yet appropriate? Sun knew his face was red too. Blake didn’t reject him by any means but the moment of courage was dashed! Guess that was the point. Typical Blake. Nothing typical about her. Sun let go of the ring in his pocket and chose to hold Blake’s face, staring into her eyes. How could they be so determined one moment and bashful the next. Honestly…

“My future wife is so ridiculous sometimes.”

“I think that’s what my future husband likes about me.” Blake smirked, “I love you.”

The two shared a kiss, taking a moment for themselves.

Ruby smiled from outside and looked at the others. “Okay, I know there’s more of a reason for nabbing me, because that pretty moment was happening no matter how many were around.”

“I brought you out here because the four of us plus Sun are about to keep a secret.” Ilia put her back against the railing, her head looking towards the stars. “Sobek, I handled it.”

Jacquelyn went bug eyed. “What? H-How?”

“Talked to the victims here, Vacou, and Adam briefly. If I would’ve gone in with you all then I might’ve recognized him. He did work in Atlas after all. Anyways it’s dealt with and you don’t have to worry about any of those victims talking. They already wanted to forget the ordeal so adding funds was icing on the cake.” Ilia stared at Adam with soullessness

“I know, you didn’t do it for me.”

“Oh how I wish that were true. Let’s make things clear right now, I’m so pissed at you. If you weren’t injured then I’d throw down right now. Blake never told you this most likely, but near my house I gave you a grave. To me you deserved at least that much; you kept me alive and going for a time. As much as I now hate some of the things I know how to do, I was fortunate you taught me them because those skills help people.”

Adam watched as Ilia took her pointer finger and pressed it against his heart. He could feel her shaking.

“If you ever want my help again then you will keep me in the loop at all times. I was there before and after Blake worked beside us. I had every right to know about you being alive as much as she did.” Ilia would never admit it to anybody but as much as she was crushed when Blake fell for Adam, she couldn’t help but feel angry when both began undervaluing her contribution. Like they say, three is a crowd.

Adam removed Ilia’s finger and nodded. “Hehe, I can accept those rules.”

“What’s so funny huh? Ugh, you really know how to tick a person off.”

“Nothing. Just…everyone is mad at me for something different. Hard to keep track of it all. Guess being a leader was doomed after all. I don’t get any of you. I can’t help but laugh at myself.” He chuckled to himself.

The strange humor of it all caused Jacquelyn to join in quietly while Ilia rolled her eyes and let things be as they were. She said her peace. Ruby though, she couldn’t help but look at the three of them, Adam specifically. There he was, a person recently beaten to near death, laughing at his own past mistakes in a world that didn’t want him.

“Hmmm I don’t get it. What was scary about this guy?”

[rhub4rb]

Warmth

I’ll make like a big masterlist for this when the month is over I think

Day 2: Father-daughter bonding

@biodad-bruce-month

AO3

-_-_-_-

Marinette was at a loss. Things had been so easy with her maman and papa. They had game nights on Fridays, baked together in their free time, and were most importantly a family. Marinette doubted she could call what Bruce had a family at times.

At first, she thought that it was just the sibling experience and that it was something she would just have to get used to, but by now, she could even see how Bruce was... cold, at times. Distant and critical in the way that he talked to his family, in a way that almost reminded her of Kagami's mother at times.

Still though, if there was one thing Marinette did not do, it was giving up.

Marinette, with only slight hesitance, sat on the couch in the lunge like room, on the opposite end of where Bruce had sat.

For a moment, neither of them said anything, though Marinette was pretty sure that it was because Bruce simply hadn't noticed her, his attention locked on the book in his hands. Marinette clutched her sketchbook tighter in her hands, opening it slowly as she relaxed her hold ever so slightly.

Part of her thought it was dumb that she was this nervous. He was supposed o be her dad, wasn't he? Yet still, Marinette could feel the distance from him, and she wondered whether it was her own doing or his. She didn't even know what to call him when she

Slowly, though, she started to sketch, glancing up at him every once in a while. She truly wanted to give it a try, some form of father-daughter bonding, but to be quite honest, she had no idea how to go about it.

Normally, she would have a plan before doing something like this, but truth be told, she could not read the man at all, and it made it just the more harder for her to try and figure out how to talk to him. Marinette felt so ill-prepared to talk to someone who she was supposed to be related to.

Honestly, she was better at talking to her grandpere Roland than she was at talking to Bruce, and that was really saying something.

The thought of her grandpere sent a pang of sadness through her, as she thought of everyone she had to leave behind in Paris. Marinette knew that this was probably the best result that could have happened to her, all things considered, but she couldn't help but feel the slightest bit of resentment at everything she had to lose.

She looked at Bruce again, noticed how his shoulders had tensed, how his eyes, though on the page of his book, clearly weren't focused. It seemed he finally noticed her.

It made Marinette stop her sketching for a moment, as her eyes finally met his in a moment of tense silence, the both of them sizing the other up in their minds, trying to read what it was the other wanted out of the potential interaction that was looming over their heads. At least, that was what Marinette felt was happening, as she still hadn't quite gotten a read on Bruce yet.

"Was there something you wanted, Marinette?" Bruce asked, and even if she had a hard time reading him (something which was new for Marinette, when it came to people, really) even she could hear the edge in his voice as if there was something he would rather be doing than spending time with his supposed daughter. It made an uncomfortable feeling churn in her stomach.

"I just- uh, wanted to spend some time with you? I won't bother you or anything I just- uh-"

"Maybe some other time," Bruce cut her off, giving her a look that made Marinette feel like she couldn't quite question his verdict on the matter. "I've been busy the last few weeks, I just want some time for myself."

Marinette looked at him, wide-eyed, before nodding her head quickly, swallowing down the lump in her throat.

"Right, of course," Marinette got up from her seat, her eyes now finding interest in the walls rather than Bruce. "I'll just- go, then."

Dinner that night was awkward, as Marinette tried to make conversation with her family, both Bruce, and siblings, only to find that none of them were really all that happy to speak during dinner.

Perhaps giving up once wouldn't be the end of the world.

-

Marinette hadn’t gone down for dinner that day, and instead, had asked Alfred if he could bring her food to her room instead, something which he agreed to. She didn’t eat though, instead choosing to mindlessly push her food around her plate, using her fork as she stared out her window.

Gotham was no Paris, and this manor certainly was no bakery.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock to her door, and quietly, she called out. “Come in!”

It was Bruce, with a worried furrow in his brows. Worry didn’t suit him.

He walked in quietly, sitting on her bed, as Marinette turned around on her desk chair to look at him.

“Is there something you need?” She asked softly.

“I was just wondering why you didn’t join us for dinner tonight,” Bruce said. Marinette noted how his tone was softer than usual.

“Yeah, I just… needed some time, sir,” Marinette explained, somewhat awkward. She still didn’t know what she should call Bruce. Dad? No. And Bruce seemed too informal. So sir it was.

Bruce looked at her for a moment, silent as always. Marinette could feel her throat closing.

“Marinette is something- is something the matter?”

Marinette remained quiet for a moment. She really wasn’t good at these types of conversations.

“No, everything is fine, I just- need to get used to this is all,” Marinette said finally, gesturing around her room. “I’m not used to everything being so… cold. The manor, the people, it’s all just very-- cold,” She shrugged. “I miss playing UMS 3 with my papa, I miss martial arts classes with maman, I miss-- I miss having a family.”

Bruce looked at her, wide-eyed, and unsure of what to say.

“Marinette… You know that I, that we are--”

“Please, sir,” she interrupted, looking at him with the eyes of someone too old to be fifteen. “We both know this isn’t a family.”

An awkward silence settled over them, Bruce trying to understand what she was saying, and Marinette simply not elaborating.

“What, exactly, do you mean by that, Marinette?” Bruce asked.

Marinette sighed as she got up from her chair, sitting herself down softly beside Bruce, fiddling with her fingers.

He didn’t know what to do. He raised his kids with tough love and a moral pillar, neither of those being something Marinette needed. It was true, she was different from the rest, but he didn’t know what to do with that information yet.

“I just need to get used to this, because this will be my new normal from now on,” Marinette said, drying her tears and refusing to meet his gaze. “I just need to find my place here, and I haven’t done that yet. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, either way, I know I won’t experience the same warmth I had at home here,” more tears rolled down her cheek, and Bruce could hear her struggling to keep her voice even. “and I just need to accept that.”

Perhaps Bruce should have spent more time, doing some father-daughter bonding.

-_-_-_-

@all-mights-asscheeks @thatonecroc @mom-geans @skyel0ve @maribat-is-lifeblood @pawsitivelymiraculous @jessigurl-design