#i tried to put the most important bits in bold so you dont have to read all of it lmao

[wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart]

what qpr ships do u ship that most see as allo & why do you ship em in a qpr/pr way? like what makes them interesting for you?

basically.....every ship to be honest?

tho it is especially bad if you are particularly fond of female characters specifically (✨ misogyny✨)

there are three main reasons why I tend to prefer qprs:

1. I hc a ton of characters as aromantic and while it is theoretically possible to be an aro in a romantic relationship (if you're a happily dating aro-spec more power to you) I personally could never. and thus my version of the characters that live in my soul and love gnawing on my remaining braincells wouldn't, either.

2. fandom and spite. I'm just so tired of all the stupid "there is no platonic explanation" (yes there is, it is called loving your friends) or "a platonic friend wouldn't do that" (yes they would, it is called loving your friends) or (picture of two people hanging out) OH MY GOD CHECK OUT THEIR ROMANTIC DATE FULL OF ROMANCE (<- cannot stress enough how these are just two ppl enjoying each other's company. do allos just hate their friends)

the most annoying part of that is the way it devaluates every friendship that isn't somehow (forcibly sometimes) linked to romance (they only sacrifice themselves for each other because of their *romantic* feelings specifically, everything they do with and/or for each other is basically just buildup for their REAL important relationship - as if, if they never started dating, it would all be "a waste" or "for nothing")

3. we've all seen it. two perfectly fine complex layered interesting characters become a couple and along with their new relationship status they also receive a new personality trait: being a couple. unfortunately for them, that is now also their only personality trait.

but I think that with qprs that is much more difficult to do? when you speak of romance everyone has a pretty clear picture in mind for what that means; qprs however are by definition undefinable. meaning that in order to make a qpr work you are more or less forced to have a little character study (even post relationship): how do they perceive the qpr? how is it different from other friendships and/or past romances? or even: how do they deal with being in a relationship outside of the widely accepted romance/platonic binary? (and that's just off the top of my head)

(though I think that another big thing for me is that for the longest time I thought that "being in love" and "having a crush" were synonyms. my nine yo brain thought that after confessing (regardless of the outcome) these feelings just started fading after a while since theyd outgrown their usefulness. so even if the feelings were reciprocated you just stayed together out of convenience after a while - until you "fell in love" with another person. I know by now that that's ideally not the case but I think that I've thought of it that way for long enough for it to be baked into my worldview lmao)

ft rant below the cut

its probably bc I'm thinking bout her a lot but it's pretty bad with Lucy Heartfilia. I feel like the devaluation and dismissal of Natsu's and Lucy's friendship is so bad (especially considering they are at the core of the show) ,,,,,, I honestly believe that if they were to start dating it would actually take away from their dynamiC AND! UNDERMINE!! THE!!! ENTIRE!!!! MESSAGE!!!!! OF!!! THE!!!! SHOWWWWW (THIS IS LITERALLY THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP MANGA GUYS THEY ARE ALREADY SOULMATES STOP ACTING LIKE THEIR BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP IS JUST A STEPPING STONE IM GONNA START BITING FOR REAL)

anyways. thanks for coming to my ted talk<3

[anniebeemine]

dont have a specific request but im obsessed with singer!reader and spencer if u are inspired to write any more of them <3 such a dreamy au… maybe some hurt comfort if ur feeling evil <3

oh I am always feeling evil hehehe

Part One

warnings: descriptions of a panic attack, ghosting, and a lil bit of relationship troubles

To say your life changed after releasing your last single was an understatement.

The sexual undertones in the lyrics had seemed like a good idea at the time, a bold way to express your love for Spencer. It was meant to be intimate, a tribute to the depth of your connection—a way to immortalize the passion that existed between you both. But the weekend after its release, everything began to shift, as if a fault line had cracked open beneath your already fragile relationship.

Spencer had seemed distant almost immediately. At first, you attributed it to the case he was working on—duty had dragged him away from your release party at the last minute, and you understood. You always understood. His work was important, lives depended on him, and you’d grown used to the unpredictable nature of his schedule. But this time, something felt different. It wasn’t just the case pulling him away, but something deeper, something that nagged at your heart in the quiet moments when you were alone.

You tried not to think about it too much. After all, you were busy too. The sudden success of your single had launched you into a whirlwind of appearances and performances. Late-night shows, pop-up concerts, interviews—you were everywhere, all the time. Your schedule was a relentless, unforgiving beast, one that demanded every ounce of your energy. You didn’t have time to worry about the growing distance between you and Spencer; you were too busy trying to keep up with the pace of your newfound popularity.

But the distance only grew. Spencer called once, late at night, but you had to deny his call. You were on vocal rest, your voice tired and strained from hours of performing. You’d wanted to talk to him, desperately, but your team had insisted you save your voice. So you sent him a text instead, apologizing and promising to call him back the next day. But the next day came and went, and you never got the chance. There was always something—another show, another interview, another commitment that kept you from reaching out.

As the days turned into weeks, the silence between you and Spencer became unbearable. You missed him, more than you could put into words. But every time you tried to bridge the gap, something got in the way. The fault line between you widened with each passing day, and you were powerless to stop it. One evening, as you sat alone in your hotel room after yet another exhausting performance, the weight of it all came crashing down on you. You stared at your phone, your fingers hovering over Spencer’s name in your contacts. You wanted to call him, to hear his voice, to remind yourself that he was still there, still yours. But something held you back. Fear, maybe. Fear that he wouldn’t pick up, or worse, that he would, and you’d hear the same cold distance in his voice that had been there the last time you spoke.

You couldn’t bear the thought, so you didn’t call. Instead, you curled up on the bed, hugging a pillow to your chest as tears welled up in your eyes. You were supposed to be on top of the world right now, riding the high of your success. But all you felt was empty, hollowed out by the loss of the one person who mattered most to you. And so, you lay there, in the dark, wondering if the distance between you and Spencer was something you could ever close—or if it had grown too wide to bridge, leaving you both stranded on opposite sides of a love that had once seemed unbreakable.

Spencer, on the other hand, hadn’t reached out much because he knew you. He knew how you got before performances and appearances—how your knees would get shaky and your hands would tremble with nerves. He knew that despite the confidence you projected on stage, there was a vulnerability underneath that you rarely let anyone see. You were always so focused, so driven, and he didn’t want to add to the pressure by inserting himself into your whirlwind of responsibilities.

He remembers the first time he’d seen it, how you’d clutched the microphone so tightly backstage that your knuckles had turned white. He’d been there for you then, whispering reassuring words, grounding you when your anxiety threatened to overwhelm you. It was a smaller venue, some little bar turned venue for the night. But now, with the world demanding so much of you, he felt guilty for not being there, for not calling as much as he wanted to. He rationalized that he was giving you space, letting you focus, because he knew you’d need every ounce of concentration to navigate the chaos that came with fame. But every time he glanced at his phone and saw your name, guilt gnawed at him. He knew you, knew how deeply you felt things, how you internalized your emotions, often hiding them from everyone, including him. He wondered if you thought he was pulling away, if you were questioning his feelings because of his silence. But then he’d tell himself that you knew better, that you knew he loved you, even if he wasn’t constantly reminding you.

You’d been through so much together, enough that he believed your bond was strong enough to withstand this. He trusted that you understood his reasons, even if they were unspoken. He trusted that you knew he was giving you room to breathe, to shine, without the added weight of his presence or expectations. And he trusted that when you both finally had the time to reconnect, things would fall back into place, as they always had. But the doubt lingered, creeping in late at night when he was alone in his hotel room or his apartment, replaying the last conversation you’d had over the phone. It had been brief, just a few minutes of small talk before you had to rest your voice yet again. He could hear the exhaustion in your tone, the weariness that came from giving so much of yourself to everyone else. And he wanted to be there for you, to hold you and let you lean on him, but he couldn’t. He had to rely on the belief that you understood, that you knew he was thinking of you, even if he wasn’t physically there.

Every time his phone buzzed with another text from you, apologizing for not calling, explaining that you were too tired, he felt a pang of guilt. You shouldn’t have to apologize. He knew how much was on your plate, and he wished he could lighten the load. But all he could do was reassure you through text messages and the occasional call, reminding you that he was there, even if only in spirit.

And so, Spencer waited. He waited for the moment when the dust would settle, when your schedule would calm down enough for you both to reconnect. He waited for the chance to see you again, to hold you close and remind you just how much he loved you. He waited because he believed in you, in your relationship, in the unspoken understanding that had always existed between you. But as he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, he should have reached out more. If he should have pushed through his own insecurities and made more of an effort to stay connected. Because while he knew you understood, he also knew that even the strongest bonds could fray when left unattended for too long. And he didn’t want to risk losing you—not now, not ever.

Spencer sat at his desk, fingers hovering over the keyboard as he stared at the flight details on the screen. His mind raced with thoughts of you, how much he missed the sound of your voice, the warmth of your presence, and the way you always seemed to know exactly what he needed, even before he did. It had been too long since he’d last seen you, and with every passing day, the distance between you felt more like a chasm than a few hundred miles.

He was done waiting, done trying to convince himself that giving you space was the right thing to do. You needed him, and he needed to be there for you. Without hesitation, he started booking the next flight out to the city you were set to perform in. The thought of surprising you, of showing up at your door and wrapping you in his arms, filled him with a sense of urgency and determination.

His heart pounded as he filled in the final details, ready to confirm the purchase. Just as he was about to click the button, his phone rang. The familiar tone of his team’s ringtone cut through the air, shattering the moment. He hesitated, glancing at the screen to see who it was.

It was Hotch.

For a split second, he considered ignoring the call, letting it go to voicemail so he could finish what he’d started. But his sense of duty, the commitment to his job and his team, wouldn’t let him. With a sigh, he picked up the phone.

Spencer’s heart sank. He knew what this meant. The flight would have to wait, the surprise visit postponed. He’d have to push his own needs aside, once again, to focus on his job.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he said, his voice flat.

As he hung up, he stared at the screen, the cursor still hovering over the confirm button. With a heavy heart, he closed the browser. There would be no flight tonight, no last-minute trip to see you. The guilt gnawed at him, the weight of the missed opportunity settling in his chest.

Meanwhile, across the miles, you sat alone in your hotel room, staring at the blank notification screen on your phone. You’d been waiting for his call, for some sign that he was thinking of you as much as you were thinking of him. But the silence stretched on, deafening in its intensity. The calls had become less frequent, the messages shorter, and you couldn’t help but wonder if this was the beginning of the end.

You’d tried to brush off the nagging doubts, telling yourself that he was busy, that he still cared. But as the days turned into weeks, the distance between you felt less like a temporary inconvenience and more like a growing divide. You missed him, missed the way he used to be there for you, the way he used to make you feel like the most important person in the world. With every unanswered call, every unreturned message, it was becoming harder to believe that things would ever go back to the way they were. Maybe he was pulling away because he’d realized that your lives were moving in different directions. Maybe he was letting you go, bit by bit, without ever saying the words out loud.

The thought made your chest ache, a sharp pain that you couldn’t ignore. You wanted to reach out to him, to ask him if he was still there, still invested in what you had. But the fear of hearing what you didn’t want to kept you silent. You didn’t want to push him away by asking for too much, by demanding more than he was willing to give.

So, you sat there in that hotel room, feeling the weight of the silence between you. You told yourself that you were overreacting, that he was just busy, that things would be okay. But deep down, a small voice whispered that maybe, just maybe, this was the beginning of the end.

And as the hours ticked by, you couldn’t shake the feeling that something precious was slipping away, and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

+++

The minutes felt like hours as you sat backstage, your heart pounding in your chest like a drumbeat you couldn't control. The sparkly jumpsuit you wore felt heavy against your skin, the bedazzled sleeves suddenly suffocating and itchy. Your hair had been styled to perfection, your makeup painstakingly applied, but it all felt like a mask—one you were struggling to hold together.

You bent over, clutching your stomach as the tears welled up, desperate not to ruin the carefully crafted look. The air around you seemed to grow thinner with each passing second, your breaths coming in shallow, rapid gasps. The walls of the dressing room felt like they were closing in, the noise from the stage beyond the door distant and muffled, as though you were underwater.

It was happening again, that creeping sensation of panic that had been your unwelcome companion ever since your life had taken this turn. Your vision blurred, and you blinked rapidly to clear it, but the edges of your sight remained fuzzy, the lights too bright, too harsh. Your hands trembled as you pressed them against your knees, trying to ground yourself, trying to keep from losing it completely.

But it was no use. The song you were about to perform—the song that had once been a testament to the love you shared with Spencer—now felt like a cruel joke. The lyrics were seared into your mind, each word a painful reminder of how things had changed, of the distance that had grown between you. What had once been a celebration of your love now brought up a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, a knot that tightened with every passing moment.

You couldn’t do this. Not tonight. Not when everything felt so wrong.

With shaking hands, you pulled out your phone and dialed Spencer’s number, your heart pounding so hard it felt like it might burst. The call rang once, twice, and then, mercifully, he picked up.

“Spencer?” you choked out, your voice breaking as you fought to keep the tears at bay. “Please… I need to talk to you.”

There was a pause on the other end, long enough to make your heart sink further, before Spencer’s voice came through, soft and steady. “Hold on,” he said, and then the line went dead.

You stared at the phone in disbelief, the world tilting on its axis. He hadn’t even tried to say anything more, hadn’t offered any comfort. It felt like a confirmation of your worst fears—that he was done, that you were on your own now. Your chest tightened painfully, and you knew you couldn’t do this. You couldn’t go out there and perform a song that had become a lie. You were on the verge of calling it off, of telling everyone that you were done for the night, when the door to your dressing room flew open. Spencer burst through, his hair disheveled, his face flushed with urgency. A security guard was hot on his heels, trying to get him to stop, but your manager waved him off, herding everyone out of the room to give you both some privacy.

For a moment, the world seemed to stand still as Spencer crossed the room, his eyes locking onto yours with a look of pure determination. You barely had time to register what was happening before he was there, in front of you, his hands reaching out to cup your face, wiping away the tears that had already started to fall.

“Hey, hey,” he murmured, his voice a soothing balm to your frayed nerves. “I’m here. I’m sorry it took me so long, but I’m here now.”

The dam broke, and the sobs you’d been holding back came pouring out. You collapsed into his arms, burying your face in his chest as he held you close, his arms wrapping around you like a lifeline. The panic that had been clawing at your throat began to ease, replaced by the warmth of his embrace, the steady beat of his heart against yours.

“I didn’t know what to do,” you whispered, your voice trembling. “I thought you didn’t care anymore.”

“Of course I care,” Spencer said, his voice thick with emotion. “I’ve been going crazy not being with you, not hearing your voice. I’ve been so stupid, thinking that giving you space was the right thing to do. But I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

You pulled back slightly to look up at him, your vision still blurred with tears, but for the first time in weeks, there was a glimmer of hope. “You mean that?”

“I mean it,” he said, his thumb brushing away the last of your tears. “I love you, and I’m not going to let anything come between us. Not my job, not your career—nothing.”

A shaky breath escaped you, and you nodded, feeling the tension in your chest finally start to loosen. “I love you too, Spencer. I’m just… scared.”

“I know,” he said, leaning down to press a soft kiss to your forehead. “But you don’t have to be. We’ll figure this out together, okay?”

You nodded again, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. “Okay.”

Spencer smiled back, and for the first time in what felt like forever, you felt like everything might actually be okay. The storm that had been raging inside you began to calm, and with Spencer by your side, you knew you could face whatever came next.

Spencer held you close for a moment longer, his embrace firm but gentle, grounding you in a way that made the world feel less chaotic. Slowly, he pulled back and looked into your eyes, his gaze filled with warmth and understanding. He reached up to gently wipe away the remnants of your tears, his fingers tender against your skin.

"Let me tell you something," he said softly, his voice like a soothing balm to your frayed nerves. "Did you know that this city has a history of resilience? It’s seen so much—fire, storms, all kinds of upheavals—and yet it’s always come back stronger. Every building, every street, carries a story of overcoming challenges. It's like the people here refuse to be beaten down, no matter what."

His words wrapped around you like a comforting blanket, the tension in your shoulders beginning to melt away. Spencer’s voice was steady, reassuring, as he continued to speak, telling you about the city’s history with a calm passion that you had always admired. He traced the lines of your face with his thumb, wiping away the streaks of mascara and eyeliner that had run with your tears.

“And you’re just like that,” he continued, his tone filled with quiet conviction. “You’ve faced so much, yet here you are, still standing, still shining. That’s what makes you strong, and it’s why I know you’ll get through this too.”

You closed your eyes, letting his words sink in, feeling the warmth of his love and belief in you. When you opened your eyes again, you found Spencer watching you with a gentle smile, his gaze full of admiration. The anxiety that had gripped you so tightly just moments ago had loosened its hold, replaced by a sense of calm and resolve.

“I think…” you began, your voice barely a whisper, “I think I want to do this. But not like this.” You gestured to your sparkly jumpsuit, the heavy makeup that had been meticulously applied now smudged and streaked. It had never been part of your image anyway, management just needed something to make you stand out.

Spencer’s eyes searched yours, understanding dawning as he nodded. “You don’t need all this,” he said, echoing your unspoken thoughts. “Just be you. That’s all anyone really wants to see.”

With newfound determination, you took a deep breath and stood up, Spencer’s hand steadying you as you did. You reached for the tissues on the vanity and started wiping away the rest of the makeup, the motions steady and sure now, no longer hurried or frantic. Spencer watched you quietly, his presence a comforting constant as you removed each layer until your face was bare, fresh, and free.

The sparkly jumpsuit was next. You slipped out of it, changing into the simple, comfortable clothes you had worn earlier in the day—a soft sweater and jeans that felt like home. Spencer stood by, giving you the space you needed but never straying far, his presence a silent reassurance.

When you were ready, you turned to him, your heart racing in a different way now—a mix of nerves and excitement, but no longer fear. “Just me," you said, your voice firm.

Spencer’s smile widened, a look of pride shining in his eyes. “You’re going to be amazing,” he said, his words filled with sincerity. “I’ll be right there, in the front row, cheering you on.”

You nodded, your heart swelling with gratitude and love. Together, you made your way out of the dressing room and toward the stage. As you walked, Spencer continued to talk to you in that soothing, steady voice, telling you more about the city, about its people, their stories, all the while keeping your mind focused and calm.

When you reached the stage, the crew was a little surprised to see you in your plain clothes, makeup-free, but they quickly adjusted, respecting your choice without question. Spencer gave your hand one last squeeze before he moved to take his seat in the audience, his eyes never leaving yours.

As you stepped out onto the stage, the lights dimming and the music beginning, you found Spencer’s face in the crowd. He was right there, exactly where he promised he would be, his expression full of encouragement and love. The words to the song came naturally, but this time, they felt different. They weren’t just lyrics anymore; they were a part of you, a reflection of everything you had been through, everything you were still standing for. Your eyes stayed locked on Spencer’s as you sang, the connection between you palpable even across the space. The crowd faded into the background, their presence a distant hum compared to the light in his eyes. Every note, every word, was for him, and in that moment, you felt free—free to be yourself, free to love, free to embrace the strength Spencer had reminded you was always there.

As the final note lingered in the air, the applause erupted around you, a thunderous wave of sound that filled the entire venue.

Without thinking, without even acknowledging the cheering crowd, you ran off the stage, your feet moving before your mind could catch up. Spencer was already on his feet, weaving his way through the crowd toward you, his eyes wide with anticipation.

You reached him in what felt like an instant, the distance between you vanishing in a heartbeat. The moment you were close enough, you practically jumped into his arms, your momentum knocking the breath out of both of you. Spencer’s arms snaked around your waist, holding you tightly against him as if he never wanted to let go.

His familiar scent enveloped you, grounding you even as your emotions threatened to overwhelm you. You pulled back just enough to look into his eyes, the rest of the world fading away as the connection between you pulsed with intensity.

Before you could think twice, you leaned in and kissed him, your lips meeting his in a rush of passion and relief. The kiss was everything you had been holding back, all the words you hadn’t said, the fears and the love all tangled up in one fierce, desperate embrace. Spencer kissed you back with equal fervor, his hands pressing into your lower back as if to fuse you both together, your bodies fitting together perfectly.

The noise of the crowd dimmed in your ears, the rest of the room a blur as you lost yourself in the moment. It was just you and Spencer, the rest of the world forgotten, your hearts beating in sync.

When you finally broke apart, breathless and flushed, it was only then that you noticed the cameras. They were pointed directly at you, capturing the entire scene—the kiss, the embrace, the love written all over both of your faces. The realization hit you like a shock of cold water, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

Spencer’s hands moved to cup your face, his thumb brushing away a stray tear you hadn’t realized had fallen. “You were incredible,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

You smiled, a small, shaky laugh escaping your lips. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

The cameras continued to click, the flashes lighting up the space around you, but none of it mattered. You leaned in to press your forehead against Spencer’s, closing your eyes and letting the world see what it had only been hinted at before.

Your relationship was no longer a secret, no longer something to be hidden away. The world now knew what you had been quietly cherishing all along—that you were in love, deeply, truly, and unapologetically.

And as Spencer’s arms tightened around you, holding you close, you knew that no matter what came next, you were ready to face it together, hand in hand, heart to heart, just as it had always been.

[listleven]

The power of you, part 1:

Story time edition

Lets say Sandra wanted to manifest waking up in the void. She goes online and over consumes a lot of shit. Discouraged she gives up. You see, she has a shitty life, bullied at school, nobody at home, etc. The void was supposed to be her escape.

Also I wanted to bring up Sandra was experimenting before manifesting the void. She wanted to manifest an A+ to prove to herself she could apply loa, and thought if anything is possible than this can be too. While she's not wrong. She did put her desire on a pedestal. She tried to play it off as something casual but girly has been through it. Now we all know what happens when you put your desire on a pedestal. This is not to say you can't manifest with a bad self concept, its to say that if Sandra persisted in her power she would've gotten the A+ first time but constantly she went back to the old story. Let us learn from Sandra and persist until we know, and then persist in knowing only, not feeling.

So now having failed at manifesting before Sandra didn't wake up in the void as she affirmed too.

Or so the 3D said.

Sandra doesn't know how to not feel doubt. Sandra doesn't know I know this life hack. From now on Sandra can't have any negative thoughts unless she contradicts them with positive ones. From now on Sandra can only see her A. Sandra tells me a day later that she stills feels doubt. I tell her she's all powerful if she's feeling doubt she can just affirm that her manifestation is inevitable not even her doubts can stop it. She does this whenever she thinks about her manifestation. She affirms she woke up in the void in the morning. She does this until its all she knows. She does this until her subconscious is impressed and now she's a void master!! And her A+ bold as ever.

This all is just to say Doubt is ok. As long as you don't affirm it and if you do contradict it. Your in control. If you dont believe in yourself that's fine. You just have to understand your power and how inevitable it is. You can manifest anything. You have manifested everything. Everything you want is already yours, you dont have to believe it you have to affirm it until its all you know. You can believe anything but if you don't apply what the point. You can think working out will get you slim but if you don't work out then what's the point. Not that the previous statement is true you don't need to work out to lose weight guys. This is why belief is not important. When you repeat something to yourself enough it will become a belief. LOA is real by now we all know that, to master it, it takes a bit of practice, perseverance, and even patience. I built this blog to explain LOA in the most loving way I can. Because I've been there but now I've seen enough to know that you're not special. The law isn't exclusive to you.

Part Two soon.

~ With Love, Jyspire

[bl00dw1tch]

I really need a name for this au. Anyway i nailed down their color schemes (flats and some character design-y thoughts notes below)

Aw man im really about to go in on this here, ok--ill stick to just design stuff and a bit of Their Deal^tm for now! ill explain the au in full some other day, with a more polished drawing.

Alright so. I am still doing research, its ongoing, but i think ive decided that, in this au, their relationship is something more akin to... in a past life they were the same, but for spiritual development reasons, the qi that made That person split, and went on to reincarnate as Them--narratively this is going to make them function like. Just normal Foils lmao--just with an added umph of it being somewhat literal for them, in the scope of their world, if that makes sense! I dont want to put myself in the box of calling them brothers, bc it just irritates me, but they are Not going to be romantically involved in this au either--SWK has enough trouble in his weirdly uneventful but still tumultuous love life as it is (👀 at Erlang and ZBJ), im not going to torment him by adding his evil clone to that list LMAO. Also LEMH aromantic as hell bc i said so.

Also their both trans thats very super important. Trans monkeys forever obviously

Anyway, So theyre still sort of "the same person", yet not, as they had still Never properly met (until Liu'er chapter)--their both incredibly similar and incredibly different, due to the imbalance of the energies within them and the actions they took for the majority of their lives. SWK is the yang, extroverted and bold and destructive and take-no-shit, while LEMH is the yin, (at least in this story) by being reclusive and a bit of a pushover for the longest time--the, erm.... Outburst, being the result of built up resentment and imbalance within himself spurning him to overcompensate for what he was lacking. It's kind of complicated and intricate and i like it that way if describing it is kind of rough Pfft--but anyway!

Point is, i wanted ALLLL that to be reflected in their designs by giving them plenty of Contrasting but Complimentary, and even sometimes juxtaposed details! The incorrect yin yang belt buckles/brooches are the most obvious one i think, next to the general warm vs. cold color palettes--then there's Liu'er being shirtless and with shorter hair, just to bring a sense of masculinity into his appearance, counterbalancing the fact that he's otherwise very feminine and in line with his Yin nature. Id say i made SWK's hair longer for the same kind of reason, but given that long hair isnt seen as inherently feminine, mileage can vary on that--if one reads it that way then yay, fun detail, and if not, then you still get to be looking as a SWK with long hair, and thats always a win in and of itself.

The red parts of their face are also matching--SWK's making up the over eye and LEMH's the under eye, to visually indicate the "this is the same person split in two" dealio. I also tried to make SWK appear a bit more Rounded and Soft, curving his cheek tuffs and little beard In a bit more (belying a gentler nature and other. Yknow, Round thoughts underneath his theatricality (contrasting with his yang-ish behavior), while LEMH's is sharp and feathered out (bringing to mind hostility and action and other Sharp thoughts, equally in contrast with his usually yin-ish nature).

They were initially going to both have the fillets on their heads, for reasons Like the ones above, but without a shirt Liu'er torso was feeling empty and i felt like he needed something to break up the grey of his fur--so, necklace. Hes bouta get choked tf out dont worry about it ❤

Uhhh thats all i can think of writing down right now, feel free to let me know if any of it is kind of Eh, constructive criticism and all that--if you saw any typos no you didnt, thank you for coming to my ted talk and have a groovy day

[issaxcharlie]

You’ll always be the answer

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem Reader

Requested: YES💚

Summary: For the first time Charlie and Y/N have to do an interview together and things get pretty interesting and chaotic as always with the couple.

*In the wired autocomplete section the part of the question that was covered will be in bold*

Pretty much based in the we say we’re friends world, (yes, again😤 I love their dynamic I’m sorry) you only need to know that Y/N is a musician by profession, wrote the JATP soundtrack, a childhood friend of Charlie and now his current girlfriend.

The couple is completely excited because today they have their first interviews after the confirmation of the second season of Julie and The Phantoms, and usually they are not on the same interview team so this is new. Charlie always does them with the band and the singer usually does them with director Kenny Ortega representing the people behind the scenes.

“Hello everyone, I’m Charlie Gillespie and I play Luke in Julie And The Phantoms.”

“And I’m Y/N Y/L and I play Daniela in Stardust.”

“Baby, you are here today as the songwriter of the album.”

“I know?” She thinks for a few seconds until she realizes what she said. “Oh. Well, this is embarrasing. Make my selfpromo accident worthwhile and watch Stardust after watching JATP!”

“Nice safe, beautiful. Pretty natural.” Her boyfriend teases as she smiles proudly.

“I like to believe I could be an actress.” Charlie begins to laugh at the seriousness with which she answered and looks at her, full of happiness. He loves that they can enjoy moments like this where their careers can go exactly on the same track.

They know that it will not always be this way so they should make the most of the experience.

“I’m excited to have you back, Y/N. And a pleasure to meet you Charlie. You both sure are full of amazing energy, I love it. Let’s start with the questions. Charlie, this is your first leading and in a fairly complete role, you acted, sang, danced and even wrote one of the songs, how was the experience?”

“Pure magic. They are all incredibly talented and so supportive of us, they worked so hard to unleash our full potential in an accelerated manner. They had a lot of patience with me in the dance part, they taught me to use my voice properly, they supported me in the change to electric guitar, it was simply a dream to work with every single person in the project.”

“Sounds amazing. Next question is for you, Y/N. Much has been said about the unreal chemistry between Julie and Luke. How was it for you as his girlfriend to have to witness it live? As I understand you were present throughout the recording."

"Oh man, it was awesome!" Charlie laughs at her pure response and the interviewer looks at her in disbelief.

"I'm Team Juke all the way. I know I may sound like a liar or something since I'm the girlfriend, but here's the thing.

I can't see my Char in Luke. Charlie is so good at bringing him to life that I can't believe that cool rockstar is my adorable goofball. It’s like Clark and Superman with the glasses thing. Beanie and electric guitar? Oh, hi Luke. You are so hot, wait... don’t tell Charlie I said that! Bandana and acoustic guitar? Hey baby, give me a kiss in the forehead and sing me to sleep.

What I was saying again? Oh, yeah. So... I see Juke and I’m soft, they are perfect for each other.”

“So you think Luke is hot, huh.” he pretends to be jealous and folds his arms.

“What can I say, I have a thing for rockstars, my legs melted during now or never."

He snorted a laugh. “Good to know.”

The interviewer cannot contain a laugh of her own.

"It's always a pleasure to have you here, Y/N. You are such a character and I always enjoy listening to you, and I love that even though the years go by and you are no longer so new in the industry you continue to have that fresh and iconic personality."

“Thank you so much Maria, If I can be myself here it is thanks to the beautiful atmosphere that your interviews always have.”

“My pleasure, ‘golden star’. Let’s continue. Y/N, We know you already knew Charlie, but who did you get along with better from the rest of the cast?”

“Oh my, definitely Owen. He was Charlie's roommate throughout the project so we hang out together a lot in our free time taking turns as third wheel. I'm pretty sure he's going to apply the same card to me this second season now that I'm gonna be the roommate.

But it’s okay, I totally deserve it. May the best third wheel win, Joyner!” Charlie grins and does a fistbump with his girlfriend who looks really hyped about going back to Canada with the band.

“I’m rooting for you, girl! Let’s go back to Charlie a little bit. The album that Y/N wrote is a resounding success and a very important piece for the series to be as brilliant as they are. I imagine that the four of you have a special affection for the album, but how do you feel that your girlfriend was the one who wrote a soundtrack of that level for such a special project in your career?”

Charlie looks so proud. He looks at her in a way that makes the young woman blush.

“I’m just so blessed that the things happened they way they did. She’s the love of my life, you know? I couldn't be more proud to sing her songs. She has always been insanely talented and nothing gives me more happiness that knowing she gets to do what she loves and is able to share it with the world.”

The singer's eyes water and she puts her head on the actor's shoulder, who kisses her hair sweetly.

“You two are so pure and so cute to watch, I have a new favorite celebrity couple.”

They continue the interview for a few more minutes and then they have to move on to the second section, in which they are handed some boards with the most searched questions on the internet regarding them.

“Okay guys, introduce yourselves again. I’m not going to be in the segment this time so you’ll have to help each other.”

Both agree without confessing that they have seen videos of this segment until 5 in the morning when they have nothing to do the next day and have sleepovers.

“Hi, we are Charlie Gillespie and Y/N Y/L and will be doing the wired-autocomplete interview today!”

“Okay handsome, let’s start with yours.” Charlie smiles and takes the sign in his hands, while his girlfriend removes the first tape and reveals the first question.

“Does Charlie Gillespie have a girlfriend?” Charlie smiles proudly and kisses his girls nose.

“I do, and she’s so adorable.” He touches gently her cheek and she closes her eyes at his touch.

He gives her a light kiss in the forehead and then uncovers the next question.

“What is Charlie Gillespie like in real life.”

“I’ll answer this one, Char’s a total goofball. He is cheerful, funny, always full of energy, talented, caring, and really, really hot. All done, next question!”

He laughs while blushing and reveals the next one. “Is Charlie Gillespie married?”

“Well I tried but someone ate the ring.”

“I would do it again, it was really good. Answering the question, he is not yet, but he is taking too long, maybe one of these days I will declare myself.”

He opens his eyes wide, he knows very well that his girlfriend is capable of doing it, and honestly he wants to be who does it, so he makes a mental note to prepare everything soon. Thank god he is working on the rings already.

“It’s Y/N still dating...”

“If the question says Ross Lynch I’m goin’ to lose it. No shade though, man.”

She laughs, after the James Larkin show, a lot of people showed anger as they felt that she was a much better match with the blonde, and Charlie couldn't help but feel a bit offended.

“...Charlie Gillespie! Yes, baby!” Both high five, Charlie looks almost relieved, is adorable.

“The answer is always yes folks, get use to it.”

“Who is Y/N’s best friend?”

“Well, this one is easy.” She turns to see Charlie and gives him a flirtatious little smile. He blushes and reaches out to kiss her, but she answers the question just before their lips touch.

“Ross Lynch.” She leans over and presses her lips against his for a few seconds as Charlie reacts to her response and then gapes in disbelief.

“You did nOT.” He laughs and and wrinkles his nose feigning annoyance.

“Yes I dID. But to be honest, has to be this man right here. Not a lot people know this but we’ve been best friends all our lives, so yeah. You baby, of course.” He blushes and kisses her hand, clearly happy with the answer.

“Is Y/N going to be in Julie And The Phantoms S2?”

“Will you?” He asks, genuinely curious. She never tells him what Kenny secretly confesses her about the project so as not to be unfair to the other members of the band.

“I will, but probably still back the scenes, guys. I'm really enjoying this part and learning from the best of the best so I am very happy not to be in front of the camera for now.”

“And you are doing an amazing work, love.” She grins and kisses his cheek.

“Thank you for watching us being ridiculously corny for 30 minutes, don't forget to watch Julie and the Phantoms Season 2 only on Netflix! I feel sorry for that poor people that will have to see how cheesy we are.”

“We were still recording Y/N, but never mind. The editing team has a lot of work ahead.”

“Well, damn. I’m sorry guys!” Charlie laughs for the thousandth time today. There is nothing better in life than sharing your days with your best friend. He can't wait to formalize that ‘forever’.

Thank you for reading✨

NEXT PART HERE

Taglist: @writerinlearning , @ghostofmgg, @strangerthanfanfiction713, @thebloodthirstyvampress, @kinda-really-lost, @kcd15, @magnet-girl, @aliandthephantoms, @stxrkspidey, @pinkrockstar19, @s0uz4s, @shycupcakealissa, @cookiebuba, @fangirlangioma, @sageellsworth05, @twist3dtinkerbell, @sunsetcurvenotsunsetswerve, @caitsymichelle13, @ifilwtmfc, @luckylouiebug, @bibliophilewednesday, @totomoshi, @siennanoelle01, @lunashadow6955, @bookfrog247, @morganayennefertyrell, @kiss-themoongoodbye, @rachelle3musicals, @imsydneywalker, @really-dont-forget-it

[peach-pops]

may i perhaps request a continuation of the suga, noya and kags hqs of them meeting ukais niece? like when they start datin and ukai catches them smoochin or just being gross🤢 and kinda stands there like 👁👄👁 if u dont want to just ignore this

Sorry this took sooooo long! This doesn’t have to be a continuation from the first one but if you guys want to check it out, it’s here!

Kageyama, Suga, and Noya Get Caught By Ukai

Kageyama 

Kageyama is not a fan of PDA and you may quote me on that

He can MAYBE handle hand holding underneath a table and if he’s feeling a bit bold, a quick kiss on the cheek in the hallways is a possibility only if no one is looking 

He wasn’t embarrassed of you but lets be real, he is always at practice or some volleyball event and it would be pretty awkward for him to start kissing his girlfriend when his coach, and also your uncle, is only a few feet away 

Your schedule was pretty jam-packed and that meant it was really hard for you to go to his games especially since Ukai expected you to run the store when he was off with the Karasuno boys

This meant that you hardly ever got to see Kageyama play but a part of him didn’t mind because that took less pressure off of him

Ohhhh boy but then the day came where you were able to go watch a game and of course, it had to be the most important one of the season. Shiratorizawa vs Karasuno 

That day, Kageyama was a complete mess for a number of reasons but to know that you were going to be at his game terrified him 

The game was intense and you were standing the whole time because you couldn’t bring your nerves down at all no matter how hard Saeko and Akiteru tried, you were a nervous wreck 

Wait this is separate from the hc but can we pls talk about HOW FUCKING HOT TSUKI’S OLDER BROTHER IS ??? 

Sorry anyway

To think that the first volleyball game you were seeing was the one to dictate whether or not your boyfriends team made it to nationals was insane but you had so much faith in the team that they would pull it off

You couldn’t even move when Karasuno won the last point. Hell, you even forgot to breath for a second but once you saw the team celebrate together on the court, you felt so proud because they really did the impossible

You shout for Kageyama and when he looks up to see you standing up in the bleachers, he has the BIGGEST smile on his face because holy shit THEY WERE GOING TO NATIONALS!!!!

HE’S CHEESIN SO HARD uwu

After the awards, you wait for Karasuno at the gymdoors and when Kageyama sees you, He runs over to you and literally sweeps you off your feet 

Kageyama doesn’t know if it’s from the adrenaline of the win or the absent nerves but all he wants to do is kiss you

So he does AHHHHH IN FRONT OF ALL HIS TEAMMATES

Tanaka and Noya are screaming their heads off their so proud !!! Suga is obviously shielding Hinata’s eyes 

He kisses you so hard as if it would be his last and it catches you off guard because um hello??? Who is this man kissing you?? 

this was the same Kageyama that gave you head pats instead of kisses when he was around his friends and now he’s kissing you as if his life depends on it

But you’re not complaining you’re a bit too busy at the moment trying to enjoy the moment

All he can think about is you; any other sound around him is completely muffled but once the two of you pull away for air, his smile drops so quickly and he almost drops you to the floor 

“ Tobio? What’s wrong-” You turn to look over to where he’s staring and your heart drops when you see your Uncle Ukai with his arms crossed

Kageyama stops breathing and he literally turns white cause he’s TERRIFIED AND SO EMBARRASSED 

Ukai is kinda weirded out more than anything because first off, he didn’t even think Kageyama showed any emotion besides anger or disinterest and second, he’s always known to be the ‘cool uncle’ 

Like should he really be yelling??? They’re just kids??? He did a lot worst stuff at his age-

“ It’s not what it looks-”

“ I think I’m just gonna…” Ukai kinda points off to the side and awkwardly steps around the two of you because he rather not think about his student and his niece kissing 

so he kinda gives Kageyama a pass? Not because it’s Kageyama you’re dating but just because emotions are so high and it’s like eh okay??

If anything, it would just be kinda awkward between Ukai and Kageyama during practice/school like just lil nods like “ okay I guess you’re dating my niece” and “ okay I guess I’m dating you’re niece”

Sugawara

Suga is just so sweet let me put that out there because it must be known

You two had only been dating for a short time but you both were already so comfortable with each other

He knows you work late some days at Ukai’s store so he always stops by after practice to check up on you and makes sure you ate dinner and that you were caught up with your homework

Tonight was no different as Suga walks in and sees you behind the register trying your best not to fall asleep

“ Ukai isn’t here?” 

“ Nope, he texted me and said he was going to stop by the house before coming over with dinner. I wish he would hurry up. I’m about to pass out” You yawned as Suga greeted you with a kiss on the cheek as you kicked over a stool so he could sit on the opposite side of the counter,” how was practice?”

“ Kageyama and Hinata got into it again during practice so you know, the usual. I missed you a lot today though, I feel like I hardly ever get to see you.” 

*Cue sad puppy dog Suga*

You two weren’t the type of couple to always be attached at the hip. You had your own things to do and so did he but that didn’t stop you both from missing each other

“ I know Koshi but at least you’re here now.”

You had a point, he cherished any time that the two of had together, even if it was only for a few minutes and now that he was with you, he could show you how much he missed you

Suga got rid of his pouty face and leaned over the counter to kiss you but this time, it was way different than any kiss the two of you shared before. His lips were so warm and you practically melted into him because you two hadn’t had time alone in a quick minute

Ukai was on his phone as he stepped into the store but when he looked up to see his niece smooching with one of his students, he was so freaked out he just shouted

“ WHA-HEY! NO KISSING WHILE WORKING!” 

You pushed Suga off of you but the force of your push sent you falling backwards in your chair and you landed on the ground with a thud

You groaned and held your head as Ukai and Suga peeked over the counter to make sure you were still alive,” Wah! You said you weren’t coming to the shop until later!” 

“ Change of plans, my Uncle senses were going crazy and I’m glad I listened to them! What if a customer walked in and saw two hormonal teenagers going at it?”

“ AIYA alright!” You shouted, feeling more embarrassed than before as you got off the floor. 

Suga was lowkey panicking cause he wasn’t even sure what to say. How could he even ease the tension between his girlfriend and coach ???? 

“ I uhm-” Suga started as Ukai looked over at him,” I’m sorry Ukai-san! I’ll see you tomorrow Y/N!” 

Suga bows respectfully as you and Ukai watch him leave the store. Once he’s gone, Ukai only laughs and grabs an apron from the hook. 

“ Why are you laughing? You basically traumatized him!” 

“ A little fear never hurt anybody but good job, you managed to pick a decent guy for once,” You uncle teased as he patted your head and started to sweep the store

Ukai was definitely protective of who you dated and he had a suspicion that you were going out with someone but now that he knew it was Suga out of all people, he wasn’t worried at all 

Of course, he could never say that outloud because again, fear keeps guys in check 

Nishinoya 

Oh god okay 

You live with your uncle Ukai because your parents always traveled a lot for work and since Ukai is literally the coolest uncle in the world, you liked living with him

He would’ve let you live with him anyway but because you offered to help him out at the store, it kinda stuck and that’s how you got into helping him out

Noya and you had been dating for a while now and while Ukai knew the two of you were together, he never really brought it up because a big part of him didn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that his niece was with someone as crazy as Noya

But again, if you and Ukai didn’t bring it up then that’s just the way it is

You and Noya were always pretty busy and since you barely saw each other during the day, you would sneak Noya into your room late at night just to makeout cuddle whatever

And just like any other day, you opened up your bedroom window as Noya carefully climbed in, being extra careful not to make any noise

Now you two hadn’t spent quality time with each other in sooooo long and again, two hormonal teenagers that are touch starved is bound to happen. This is basically a long-winded way to say that it was obvious you two would makeout

No matter how heated the makeout sessions would get, that’s all they would ever be because you two both wanted to wait before taking it to the next level 

99% of the time Noya would take off his shirt and today was no different. Your hands were tugging at his hair as his body hovered over yours as your lips moved against each other

Even in the dark, he always told you how pretty you were cause he’s a goob and you would just smile and get back to kissing him 

Noya inhaled deeply because this is what pure bliss felt like and he couldn’t be happier being so close to you

“ Hey Y/N, tomorrow I need-” Ukai barged right in and turned the lights on as his eyes landed straight on a shirtless Noya on top of you 

“ WHAT THE HELL-”

You screamed as Noya rolled off of you and was frantically trying to find his shirt while avoiding eye contact with Ukai

Through all of the panic, Ukai looked down and saw the shirt on the floor. He just picked it up and threw it at Noya’s head,” Get dressed, and both of you see me downstairs.” 

Noya gulped because he knew he was going to get his ass beat and even when Ukai left your room, Noya turned to you with sad eyes

“ If I don’t make it back alive, I want you to know how much I love you. Tell Tanaka I’m sorry.”

“ Yu, I think you’re being dramatic…”

The whole time you and Noya were panicking, Ukai was losing his mind because he knew what he had to talk about with you and he reallyyyyyy wasn’t ready for it 

Once you two made it downstairs, you both sat down on opposite sides of the couch 

Ukai might’ve looked pissed on the outside, and he was, but he was just so uncomfortable. He didn’t know if it was really his place to bring the birds and the bees but as the adult in the room, it was now his responsibility. 

“ You guys realize I have to give you the talk now right?”

“ Uncle Ukai please-”

“ You brought this upon yourself.”

[syubub]

SOULMATE READING- TAEHYUNG

First of all, sorry about the pic. Second is the disclaimer. This is a tarot reading meant for entertainment only. Thirdly, I decided to do each member as an individual post bc I think it's less hassle that way 💕

Okay

Okay. So. Wow.

I don't know where to start with Tae. His soulmate and him have the most ideal relationship. The cards for the relationship aspect is 100% soulmate vibes. I mean come on, the 2 of cups (soulmate card), 4 of wands (marriage) and the lovers all right next to eachother? Hot damn. They definitely travel together a lot and his Soul Bae might be a good entrepreneur? Idk but they are both financially set.

I think we should start with physical attributes first. I have a strong feeling that they will be naturally blonde or have blonde hair at the time they meet. The color yellow is also important (Taes energy is very yellowish gold to me. Coincidence?). I also get the sense that this is an old soul. May be older than Tae but definitely an old soul. A youthful face. Sort of fun yet intimidating look to them. They might have sharp features (specifically eyes which could be a grayish brown? Possibly even have heterochromia? Might have light freckles. Puts effort into the way they look but also just wakes up looking flawless. Might be from abroad. His soulmate might be very interested in France, have a very French aesthetic or lived in France. His soulmate is very much like him. Relatively tall? Modelish but unconventional, like kinda built, lanky, boxy. Strong legs. Wavy hair? Idk. A balance of masculine and feminine traits. The type to enjoy being fancy but also super down to play video games and can definitely out drink Tae. Definitely. Looks good in sweats lol.

onto how/where they'll meet. It might be when he is alone at a museum in France standing in front of a statue of Venus (It popped into my head and i couldn't not write it down) or perhaps when one party is traveling and they meet on a hike or in nature or something like that. Possibly even at a work function. As for when they meet. It is up to both parties to decide to come into union spiritually. If that makes sense? They both will be drawn to eachother when the time is right for them.

Onto this person's personality. Earthy influences. Romantic!!! Romantic. So romantic. Their love language is words of affirmation. This person is very chivalrous? Idk like this person is very gentlemanly? Like, they want to take care of tae and will open doors for him and stuff. Makes him chocolate covered strawberries. Also very intune to ~otherworldly~ things. Lowkey a psychic. Idk why but this person it like guided by Taes guides sometimes? Like, they'll just pop in. And like, when it's time for them to meet, Tae grandma will give him every fucking sign to be like, "THIS ONE!! THIS IS YOUR SOULMATE, KID!" (Also, topic for a different day but i have a mad feeling that Tae communicates with the dead, specifically his grandma, and that's why he trust/ relies on his "angels" so much.) I don't want to be insensitive or step on toes or anything but like Taes grandma probably communicates with Taes soulmate too? And like, I keep getting an image of Tae and his soulmate sharing dreams? Idk it's a lot. And I think I've said it before but Taes soulmate is... massive... like, energy wise. Theres almost like an archaic, out of this world feeling to this person and they have to be spiritual or imma shout. Like, this person. Is. Crazy. Idk what's up but it's almost like there's a wall? Like, I'm not privy to it because my small little fragile conciousness would shatter in its presence? Maybe a bit dramatic but there is a lot behind this person and their union with Tae. This person has been through a lot and might be closing an old chapter in their life when Tae comes in. This person might feel lost? Like, they have such massive energy but human life is stupid and confusing and they dont know how to channel energy into productivity? Might also fear abandonment and commitment so they have a hard time really connecting with people because they get attached easily and are afraid to lose them. An empath? Very creative and able to manifest pretty much anything. For archetype cards, I got: artist, shape-shifter, knight, messiah. Very very creative and can probably draw in experience from different levels of conciousness? Like this person is an artsy, spiritual Joan of Arc.

So. Cards about their situation are Soul Family and Inner Temple. Essentially they both need to awaken and call eachother in. They need to fully be themselves and just exist!

Cards to Tae from his Soul Bae: progress, not perfection, answered prayers, unconventionality, big bold vision, beyond the mind the heart beats, sacred fool.

Okay. His Soulmate is a funny one, I'll get to that soon, but also very genuine. Like this person wants to see him grow and Express full potential. Bae wants him to stop caring what others think and be weird! Theres stuff he doesn't talk about with other people (perhaps the fact that hes way more spiritually intune than most. Not by choice either though. He was born with this shit. He probably saw faeries as a kid and shit) Bae wants him to settle back and listen to his inner self and nurture what's already there. This is a line from the description of sacred fool, "Don't try to be appropriate, don't try to be socially acceptable and worry about what others may think about what you are doing-just be. If you want to wear a mad hat whilst doing so, fine." Bae wants him to have fun and do whatever the fuck he wants to do because Tae being happy is what's important. Like, if Tae went and bought a literal circus and was like, "this is my dream, its who I am" Bae would be like, "...are you sure?" And if he was sure, then his soulmate would double check everything, make sure hes safe and dive in head first with him. It's very supportive but also his soulmate is practical. Like, his soulmate wouldn't willingly let him do anything that would directly harm him or ruin his life, you know? This is his guardian angel. His love. His tried and true. One and only. It's ridiculous and they will have kids and a farm. Fight me on that.

I wanted to channel a message from his soulmate to him and I got a laugh, something about "our four leaf clover" "He needs a haircut" and, "Tell him he's dense but I'll love him forever in this life and the next. Forever."

Then I thought, well, Jimin is definitely Taes platonic soulmate so like Taes Bae and Chim have to get along and I got the cutest image of Tae, Taes Bae, Jimin and Jimins soulmate all sitting together in a garden drinking tea and laughing and all of their guides are watching them with smiles and the rest of Bangtan and their soulmates come into the garden with their soulmates and it's a cute Soul-party and now I'm super soft.

Theres so much to say about this soulmate union and really even just his soulmate because it's such a powerful energy and I think someday I want to do a part 2 for this because I have lots of questions. I feel like these two can have any sort of life together. Like they both hold the pen and are constantly writing and revising their life scripts. Also, I get the feeling that his soulmate is...hmm.. they give me the feeling that they might not exist? Like they do but at the same time they don't? Or maybe they're just like, deep. Like an onion. I'll put a pin in this for another time but it gives me a deep indigo type of feeling, you know? It's a whole thing. I'll do a part 2 for this.

Last comment. Taes Soul bae has great eyebrows? Idk why but that's a thing apparently.

TLDR

Tae has a fantastic soulmate who is impressively cool, they have the cutest life together and they are definitely going to live the cutest domestic life ever? Also, Tae probably wants to have 6 kids so each kid can have a designated Bangtan Godfather lol. Think artsy-museum-farmer-millionaires who have a house made of Gucci and matching rocking chairs.

Cute cute cute. Like I said, I'll expand on this later! Also, I apologize if it isn't very cohesive or doesn't make a lot of sense. I've been busy and my life is a little messy but I wanted to get this out!

Stay safe💜

[oikawasass]

Oh boy I saw boyfriend hc with Iida, so would it be okay to ask for hc for Bakugo, Midoriya and Todoroki as boyfriends? 💞

general relationship headcanons.

‣ pairing : bakugo, todoroki, midoriya x fem reader. (separate)

‣ headcanons.

‣ warnings : swearing, nsfw topics.

Bakugo Katsuki.

bakugo would be an amazing boyfriend and you cannot convince me otherwise.

things are never boring with this mf.

everyone knows bakugo wouldn’t date someone if he didn’t truly have a strong attraction to them or if he didn’t really know them, so right off the bat, there’s quite a bit of trust in your relationship.

fighting :

arguments are a given in a relationship with bakugo, so be prepared to scuffle.

and be prepared for those scuffles to turn into lots of screaming and yelling.

bakugo doesn’t like to fight or argue with you, he doesn’t enjoy it one bit. it’s just… bakugo.

he isn’t one to instantly go and apologize right away once he feels bad or realizes he may have been in the wrong, but after some stubbornness and ignoring, he’ll try to bring himself to some kind of an apology, or try to find some kind of a way to make amends, so be patient with him pls.

gifts :

when it comes to gifts, bakugo isn’t a huge gift giver. he isn’t the type to just buy you something if it reminded him of you.

plus you already have him so what other gifts could you need.

but he will buy you nice things on important events. birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and such. he bought you matching promise rings on your one year.

“tch, dont look so happy. this is just a place holder till I get to put a real ring on your finger.”

and you teased him about him saying something so soft to no end.

dates :

you two don’t do the whole fancy uptight dates thing.

movie nights, late-night park walks and study/workout dates are the move for you two.

if you’re not actually going anywhere, then you just like to sit in either of your dorms and cuddle and talk about whatever random topics come to mind. expect lots of play fighting too.

cuddling / physical attention :

cuddling? bakugo touch-starved-baby katsuki is his name.

early into your relationship, he won’t be too keen on being clingy or super cuddly as he’s too tsundere and a teeny bit awkward.

but once you’ve hit that comfortable mark of a few weeks or a month, he will be on that shit.

growing up without very much sweetness or softness showed towards him, once he’d experienced it with you, he was addicted.

big spoon or die. except for when he’s sleepy.

he’s the type of boyfriend that when you guys are just chilling in your dorm, he’ll just

smack your ass, grab your ass, appreciate from afar (rarely,) pat it and play the drums on it.

he’s just an ass man.

not much pda, but he’s always got your hand held tightly in his or an arm around you while you walk through the halls.

kissing :

he love love loves to kiss your lips. somethin’ about your soft and plush ones up against his own just makes his heart feel a certain tenderness.

kiss his cheeks or nose in public and watch how red his face goes. then watch him pout about it and ignore your requests for smooches for a little until he starts wanting them too.

long and heated make-outs with you straddling his lap are his favourite.

sexual aspects :

you two most likely won’t wait until you’re older to be sexual, as long as you’re okay with it then so is katsuki.

but he’ll wait until you’re ready for anything like that, he doesn’t want to force you into anything. he most likely won’t be ready himself until at least 7 or so months into the relationship.

it comes down mostly to his quirk and him not wanting to hurt you.

but once you two have had your first time, expect many more. I imagine katsuki has quite the high libido.

Todoroki Shoto.

you two would have such a sweet relationship.

he grew up without feeling very loved or cherished, and you were the first to ever show him such feelings and emotions.

it takes him a while to learn to properly embrace or accept them? but once he does, all is lovely.

you’d have to really… impress todoroki for him to catch some kind of feelings for you. not strength or looks wise, but with your personality. so there’s hardly doubt when it comes to shoto’s adoration for you.

fighting :

fights with shoto don’t happen often. and when they do, they aren’t super nasty or loud. I can imagine they’d only happen over large disagreements or worries between you two.

when the fights are bigger, he’ll take some time to give the both of you a chance to cool down, and then try his best an apology.

he doesn’t like to fight at all. it makes some bad childhood memories resurface for him as expected, so you both try your best to avoid it. alas, it’s inevitable in relationships, unfortunately. but you two manage surprisingly well.

gifts :

will genuinely buy you the whole world if you pout enough. he cannot resist a pout.

he constantly buys you sweet little gifts! which were probably way too expensive, but it’s not his credit card anyway right?

if he sees something he thinks you would enjoy or that reminds him of you, cha ching $$ there’s more money out of endeavor’s bank account. you deserve anything and everything that will make you smile!

dates :

similar to bakugo, I feel as if you two wouldn’t do the whole fancy dates thing. unless you want to! then he’s all for it.

but you two much prefer to go to cafe’s or smaller, cuter and less populated restaurants. gotta maintain the cute couple aesthetic.

coffee and tea dates! library dates! park dates! sightseeing! allat cute jazz you see people on the gram do and go “aw i wish.”

cuddling / physical affection :

he loves to cuddle you. having you peacefully and safely wrapped up in his arms is his favourite activity, he wouldn’t give it for the world.

it took him a little bit to get to the point of seeking your arms for comfort or becoming touch starved when he hasn’t seen or hugged you in a little bit, but he got there pretty quick.

could cuddle you and listen to you ramble about your interests and views for hours. he loves the sound of your voice calmly filling his ears.

I imagine once you get to a certain point in your relationship, he can be a pretty silly boyfriend. so expect random butt pats and smacks at random times when you’re alone.

kissing :

todoroki loves to kiss your forehead. it’s such a sweet, yet almost protective action. not to mention the way your cheeks turn pink when he does it makes his heart flutter.

you are baby in his eyes. so expect lots and lots of forehead and top of your head kisses.

but he loves to kiss your lips just as much! sweet kisses and soft make outs™

shoto isn’t a huge pda person, but if you enjoy it then hes totally down. he’ll give you sweet kisses and hold you hand everywhere you go.

sexual aspects :

I imagine you two would most likely wait until you were older, but only your second or third year.

it just comes down to you both making sure you’re ready, and i see that being after you two have been together for at least a year and a half. sorry thirsty shoto stans.

I dont imagine him being a very sexual person either, so waiting isn’t a problem for him.

Midoriya Izuku.

my ANGEL. my small tiny angel. god he would be such an adorable and sweet boyfriend and you can’t deny.

he’s just so?? infatuated with you?? you’re so incredible to him?? he adores everything about you.

you never have to doubt izuku’s intentions or morals and you rarely feel insecure about this relationship. he makes sure to let you know how much he cherishes you.

fighting :

a rarity. he absolutely hates to fight with you, and he’s sure that it ends up physically hurting him when you argue. he feels his precious little heart crack.

only happens when there’s big disagreements or issues that get addressed. if you made a reckless decision that got you hurt during a fight, expect him to be upset.

he just worries about you and prioritizes your well being, so be patient with him.

100% will be the first to apologize almost every time, but not without some silent treatment coming from both sides. you both just need time to cool off and gather your thoughts, and he knows that.

gifts :

the sweetest gift giver!

he loves the reaction he gets when he buys you flowers and cute stuffed animals for no particular reason.

on aniversaries he buys you beautiful bracelets and necklaces, he got you guys promise rings for your one year too!

dates :

once more…no super fancy dates or anything. he’ll spoil you in other ways! mainly cause he doesn’t think he could sit still in a formal setting with you without being a blushing mess.

you two love to go for walks down town, window shopping and stopping in certain stores, grabbing coffee and such.

if it’s the fall or winter and you go out, are you sure you aren’t cold? you can have his jacket. and his scarf. and his hat. no just take them, he doesn’t want you to get sick. just take the damn scarf.

or just going by random food stands in town! ramen, sushi, katsudon, you’ve gotten it all. don’t be surprised of mido has a little notebook of food stand ratings.

cuddling / physical affection :

okay it took him a little longer than expected to comfortably cuddle and kiss you without his face going beat red or his shoulders tensing up.

it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy it! he’s just very very shy and you’re very very cute.

he still blushes and gets shy at affection, but he’s able to ignore it by now. he realized that he enjoyed hugging your waist and burrying his head in your soft locks way more than getting shy and being distant.

pda… he tries. he wants to be able to kiss you and your adorable face in public but he’s a shy baby. so the most you’ll do is link pinkies when you walk down the halls and kiss his cheeks between classes.

kissing :

he loves. LOVES. to kiss your cheeks. he’ll place the sweetest most chaste kisses on your cheeks all the time.

when he’s feeling extra bold he’ll pepper them in small and quick little smooches.

loves to kiss your lips, but he can’t for too long or his face is literally red hot and he starts to overheat …

took you a little longer than most to get to the making out stage, and even now they’re still very short and sweet.

sexual aspects :

100% will wait until you’re both older to even try to be sexual. it’s just not very present in the boys mind until you age a bit more.

I mean it took him over two months to be able to casually kiss you without dying, imagine what would happen if he tried bringing his mini mido anywhere near you before he was sure he could do it.

switch.

midoriya isn’t a very sexual person in general, so it most likely won’t be a huge aspect in your relationship anyway, which you’re both fine with because you love eachother in other ways.

[corvidshipping]

modern au red/milo dump while i try to get myself together to answer asks nd work on ATJ:

(tw for alcohol mentions near the end, also this is an EXTREMELY long post, its so long that even after i split it into categorized sections each section could be its own post)

CLOTHING

milo absolutely has no sense of fashion. i feel like this is basically canon - for the styles at the time, he dresses fairly basic, mostly focused on looking put together for his job (definitely dresses aimed more towards how he would like to be treated by his peers, despite his actual position - then again our best example outside of the expedition is when he's about to deliver what he considers the most important presentation of his life, so who knows, maybe he usually dresses like a slob). aside from that his main concern seems like practicality and comfort. his wardrobe is dominated by earth tones - beiges and greens set with white and greys. all of that taken into account, i can see him dressing like this in a more modern era:

basically- a lot of cardigans, usually collared shirts or comfortable turtlenecks (since he does still occupy a research position at the smithsonian, even if only in title), big ol' coats, khakis and chinos and slightly stiff dress pants complete with ironed creases. i can see him wearing similar clothes outside work, just more comfortable - jeans and knitted shirts, henleys, more turtlenecks, and comfy cardigans over short sleeved shirts. i dont really see him wearing a lot of prints, i think he'd veer more towards solid clothes in lighter colors, but maybe he has a few. hes definitely the kind of guy to think of wearing the single graphic tee he owns as "bold and wild".

im very married to the idea of him wearing converse though. i cant explain it. milo in converse keeps me going in this world

hes kind of broke so i think maybe he got the converse secondhand maybe? or a gift of some kind. aside from the converse i can see him wearing a lot of oxfords and maybe wingtips

i want to see him in a hawaiian shirt so bad. i am losing it at this thought. he buttons it all the way up to his neck like someones awkward dad. milo wears a hawaiian shirt to "let loose". he wears it with like, khakis. or knee length jorts AHHHHDJHDSGJHDSJGh

a tie??? does he wear his hawaiian shirt with a tie???? does he think it makes it look cooler?????????? i am sobbing

red is the COMPLETE opposite. in the canon 1914 setting, red is already very rebellious for an AFAB person of their era- theyre openly a suffragette, they frequently refuse to wear skirts even in public and dress in mens clothes even before they were openly nonbinary, despite not being accepted into the male-dominated research fields and colleges they continue to educate themself with or without help, they purposely aim for an "unfeminine" silhouette when they dress, refuse to wear corsets, etc. (spoiler alert- there's a clear reason they get on so well with audrey in ATJ)

theyre also easily mistaken by people that didnt know them prior to their transition for being just a very small/young cis man- even though they canonically have a very soft "traditionally feminine" face

so basically, in any era theyre set into, red is always gonna aim to be ahead of the curve- both in their personal beliefs and practices and in their fashion. theyre also very androgynous in their clothes, although they tend to aim a bit more masculine (thats partially due to the era though, and having been forced into skirts exclusively for their entire life- i think in a modern setting where its more acceptable for AFABs to dress and act in a less hyperfeminine way, theyd be more okay with a fluidity in their gender presentation).

all that taken into account, i can see them dressing like this:

lots of baggy clothes, especially baggy jackets and shirts. they like loose fitting high waisted pants like JNCO jeans, cargo pants, etc but they arent averse to pencil legs. they rarely ever wear skinny jeans or drainpipes though. messy hair is a lifestyle for them- their haircut is definitely home-done

you know how in BICSTLY they used to have really long hair before they cut it? in a modern au i can see them impulsively doing the cut at like 3am and waking milo up at his door cause they screwed it up and he ends up having to help fix it (even though hes literally no better at cutting hair than them. worse even)

definitely have an undercut bob- bob on top, shaven on the bottom layer. they might end up growing their hair into a mullet at some point if they get bored. probably dyes their hair all the time out of boredom and then regrets it later and has to use dye remover.

lots of ripped tights and fishnets, leggings with big loose crop tops, big hoodies, safety pin jewelry and homemade jewelry. maybe some sticknpokes.

all that said, they still know how to dress in a professional situation. since its a modern au theres really nothing holding them back from the education and career they canonically want but cant get in the 1910s, so i imagine they would work at the smithsonian as well, maybe their father helped them get the job? potentially in that case they might be his assistant- after all, he trusts their opinion on artifacts more than anyone else's.

at work you can still very much see the punk/skater/grunge/goth style but its more understated- turtlenecks, high waisted and looser dress pants, lots of black, slightly unbuttoned collared shirts with a loose overcoat and no tie

since i elaborated on milos shoe taste i may as well elaborate on red's: they definitely wear converse as well, probably newer than milo's since their father is fairly wealthy and they can afford it. they also have a doc martens collection. they have a pair of demonias but they never wear them and milo is really the only person to even know they own them, let alone see them in them. they really dont like to wear heels much, but they own a few just to play around with. they have a bad habit of wearing any laced shoes untied, but they never trip over the laces. they also use lace code- their most-worn Docs have purple laces on the right foot and yellow on the left. some of their Docs have (reclaimed) pink laces.

has an extensive pin collection including feminism pins, anti-racism pins, punk-related pins, skater-related pins, and pop culture pins (80s music, modern music, old movies, etc)

MUSIC TASTE

milo's into a lot of older music- stuff from the 50s is his favorite. really into jazz and ballroom style stuff. his favorite band is queen, i think- he likes the old-fashioned sound, the jazz-chamber-ballroom influences, the diversity of their lyrics, and the complexity between the guitar riffs, the basslines, and freddie's vocal runs as well as the vocal harmonies.

sometimes he hums good old fashioned lover boy to red and they two-step in the living room in their pajamas :pleading:

also very into rush. yes, he is a rush guy :pensive:.

also listens to a surprising amount of lo-fi? he really likes stuff that remixes older music with hip hop and lofi elements, like earl grey. nearly exclusively into instrumental stuff but also very into louie zong. he listens to it while he works a lot.

knows a lotttt of foreign artists, especially niche ones. fuckin LOVES casiopea

red's spotify is a goddamn mess. everything from 2000s emo, to classic 70s punk, to post-punk and new wave, to 90s pop, to rap. they cant be easily classified at all

their favorite bands are oingo boingo, prince, queen (they listen to a lot of their harder-rock music, but milo knows theyre into the ballads too. theyll never tell anyone else though), doja cat, lil nas, fall out boy, and billie eilish.

red recites the intro monologue to lets go crazy very seriously to make milo laugh, sometimes. they get very into it with their facial expressions. sometimes it devolves into a full air guitar/keyboard/drum and wild dancing session. milo does not know how to participate in this but he loves watching them have fun with it. sometimes they pull him off the couch to make him dance with them, though

they are a huge sucker for dark pop, vaporwave, retrowave, EDM, hip hop, emo, punk... etc etc. anything that combines any two or more of those genres in an original or interesting way gets their attention right away

there's a lot of sharing between the two of them- even though their music tastes are so different, they like a lot of the others taste, and theyre always up to listen to whatever their partner is playing.

red is a huge softie, and milo has found them more than once listening to or humming something he was playing for them the other day because it reminded them of him

speaking of which- in the 1914 canon, red can play piano. i think that carries over to a modern au, where they could play piano and by extension keyboard. i like to think they experiment with a lot of instruments but i doubt they ever really mastered any others. maybe theyre okay at drums or bass?

they learned to play and sing teo torriatte for milo, as a surprise. when they first performed it for them, they had everything set up for when he got home from work- the lights were dimmed, they had candles lit around the keyboard, they draped stuff in cloth to make it look pretty, they scattered flower petals around. when milo walked in and saw it all, he almost proposed then and there- the only thing that stopped him was that he would kick himself for the rest of his life if he did that without a ring.

HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES

milo is still an avid chess player in this, but i like to think hes in some kind of groupchat or text or discord server for it. he doesnt necessarily consider any of the others in the chat close friends, but he does know them all by name

he tries to get red into chess but they never really get it

he tells them all about the stuff that goes down in the games and they just. do not understand. but they love listening to him get excited about it anyway

"red you're not gonna BELIEVE this, eddie played an italian game on star today! i thought for sure she would see through it since everyone knows it but she slipped and he beat her in like, 13 moves! i wouldnt have believed it if i hadnt been there!"

"yes sweetie please tell me more" (barely disguised pained expression)

red is a skater and a regular at the skate park by the smithsonian

most regulars there know them by name, they can spot a newbie a mile away

they have a sticker of a broken tv with a skull inside of it on the underside of their board, its become recognized as a symbol of them unofficially

since theyre so regular and have been going there a lot longer than most of the other skaters that frequent the place, a lot of what they say is kind of just accepted as the rules

they have a bad habit of lecturing new kids who show up without knee/elbow pads or helmets at the very least. all the other skaters enforce it too. kids dont end up showing up without protective gear very often after their first visit

they brought a first aid kid and left it there and everyone has kept it stocked pretty well without them having to have much input. its kind of just a communal first aid kit

they once drew the broken tv symbol on the inside of a half-pipe and everyone started calling it red's ramp after that

they also started calling the bowl at the center of the park the Soup Bowl and now thats just accepted as the name. some of the newer kids genuinely thought that it was called that by the park and were shocked when they found out it was just a random nickname red gave it one day

theyve brought milo a few times but hes extremely awkward on his feet and could never really get his balance on a skateboard, and quite frankly red is afraid of what might happen if he tried even a low ramp, so he usually just sits at the rim of the bowl while red skates around

everyone knew he was their boyfriend before they even met him. a few of the regulars called him by name right away. one of them was certain red had brought him before.

but no

they just talk so fuckin much about him that its like they already know him

aside from skateboarding, red is pretty good on rollerskates/blades

they tried to take milo to a roller rink once but it was a disaster and they ended up going home, changing into pajamas, ordering chinese food, and marathoning movies till they fell asleep on the couch together. so not a total loss

theyre both very into movies. red is deep into horror and milo likes indie/art movies and just Cannot handle horror at all, but they both agree on old movies, from the 80s and 90s to like the 30s.

red has shown milo some of the classic horror movies and the niche old ones (from like the 40s) since theyre not difficult to stomach

every so often when red brings up wanting to see a horror movie milo is like "aw babe we can watch that tonight i promise it wont be bad" and he genuinely thinks he can handle it this time

he cant

he never can

it is always a lie

red ends up holding him every time and talking him to sleep, but it thankfully never causes like a major panic attack or anything like that

they love going to museums together, of all kinds. they love art museums. they also go to aquariums and aviaries

sometimes they like to go to other history museums and criticise the veracity or accuracy of exhibits/translations, all in good fun of course. theyre never actually being mean about it

SIDENOTES/UNCATEGORIZED

they both used to work at starbucks, when they were younger and before they worked at the smithsonian. they worked at separate stores 2 blocks from each other.

milo cant stand soda or carbonated drinks, red can and will chug a java monster in order to survive a long workday if they must. milo is constantly concerned for their health and wellbeing

they r both lightweights when it comes to drinking. they can split a six pack and both be falling-over drunk by the end of the night.

given the changes in beauty standards people DEFINITELY think milo is more attractive than they would in 1914. cmon. hes a lil twinky nerd. you think people wont eat that up?

he never really catches onto the flirting much though

did u think i would forget ki/da and the others? youd be wrong.

i simultaneously like the idea of something similar to the movie happening, but also just like... ki/da just being a regular person living on the surface. in either case they r all friends still

in the case of ki/da just being a regular person on the surface- i like the idea of atl/antis just being A Place in this au, maybe its a bit of a closed off country though? like, not many foreigners live there and to get there you basically need to be there as a diplomat or a scholar

maybe ki/da visits DC as a diplomat? she is a princess, after all

red meets audrey online cause they both yell at the same misogynistic asshole on twitter

they exchange discord names in the replies of the tweet and tell the guy not to interrupt them while theyre talking in his replies

i like to think red and milo are selected to go on an academic visit to atl/antis (to learn about the culture, with permission of the king), and audrey ends up as the mechanic on the ship during the visit and theyre like (spiderman pointing meme) at each other

red and audrey have so many inside jokes that they basically speak a different language. milo gets some of the terms from context and pop culture (they use "so very" in real life- as in "wow, that shirt is so very.") but he is hopeless to learn all of it

one of their inside jokes is any variation of "milo hot girl summer" and they REFUSE to explain it to him no matter how much he begs

milo wears that iconique tank top on the ship and they say it literally any time he bends over, picks anything up, reaches for anything, moves, BREATHES. he is bewildered and at this point concerned

(in truth, the joke came from red taking a really blurry picture of him in a short sleeve shirt where he looked pretty cute and captioned it "milo's having a hot girl summer rn" and they just could not stop repeating it once audrey met him IRL)

they have a minecraft world. i do like to believe that every so often vinny finds a way in- theyre never sure how- and griefs the shit out of them by blowing up EVERY. monument.

this post is getting long bc im enraptured by the idea of an atl/antis modern au so im cutting it off here but expect WAY MORE later

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

undefined

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[cryptidprimalslayer]

Precipice Pt. 2: Amh Areng

oh fun. a desert. i’m dressed just fine but i don’t know how Fray isn’t boiling in that armor, same as how anyone doesnt freeze to death in their armor in Coerthas. i was told Alisaie has been mainly down in this area so i made plans to come here next; Fray insisted on coming along. The Night’s Blessed didnt really like that idea despite the wary gazes i see him getting from them a lot. it’s so vast and empty, i mean a desert is a desert and somehow Ul’Dah is doing just fine but this.....this is like advanced empty.  now why in the Hells would someone wanna come here other then to die alone? cause that’s what you’ll get here. just you, the sineaters and the not kobolds. speaking of them just makes my stomach turn, that was some of the most disgusting food. “Are you gonna puke again cause if not we should keep moving before the sineaters surround us.”

“It’s worse. it’s the feeling of needing to but nothing happens.” I held my stomach as we trudged through the sand. “Where even is this place he told us she was?” i pulled out my map and looked at what little remained of Norvrandt, the wind pushing sand onto it as i knelt. “I think we’re lost i swear i saw that pillar 5 minutes ago.” i heard a battle in the distance so i stood and shoved the map at Fray then took off. as i ran i heard the sounds of a female voice shouting. is it someone in trouble........or is it Alisaie? i get to the site and find a dead sineater as well as Alisaie. She was shocked to see me then looked over my shoulder so Fray mustve caught up to me. i looked over at him and was met with a glare. “You can handle yourself in a fight dont give me that look.” he rolls his eyes then gave me the map. “Oh this is Fray by the way Alisaie i don’t see why you two would know each other. i met him in Ishgard. don’t know why he’s here but that’s not the important thing right now.” she took us back to where was staying and it’s this little makeshift looking “inn” if i can even call it that; more a camp really. the people here look so desolate it’s a sinking feeling to see so much hopelessness. i learned they all were corrupted by Light and came here to die essentially. This was like some next level despair even Fray looked shaken. there’s a child here. as if i needed another reason to fight some Lightwardens. Alisaie brought us over to him and a caretaker here, this pretty young lady, said his name is Halric. there’s no cure i’m told for Light corruption or obviously it’d be distributed or mass produced. well that’s the hope anyways. 

later around a fire, the three of us and her, the air was still smothering with desolation but she tried to remain optimistic and told us about her mother. and about some of these people. She’s got such hopes for the future and a good head on her shoulders. Bold enough to dream in a crushed world like this. it takes guts to not immediately give into despair. i stared into the fire like it was the meaning of life, their conversation fading as i zoned out. if only fighting these SOBs would cure the corruption. i’d fight for this child here. everyone else is on their own, this kid looks like he cant be more then like 10. too young. i’m not getting any sleep tonight there’s too much to think about to sleep. I don’t think i’ve ever seen Fray sleep either yet he has the gall to come for my throat about sleeping. Alisaie i’m surprised was resting and the woman was tending to these people. i got to my feet deciding to go for a walk, just to get out of this enclosement. i walked a fair ways away from the camp and settled on top of a building looking at the wall of Light. 

“WE HAVE TO FIND HIM! AREN’T YOU THE LEAST BIT WORRIED ABOUT NEY?!” What a wake up call. what’s going on? i rubbed my eyes and sat up to see i had passed out on top of the building. whoops. after stretching then standing i looked down at the ground below searching for the tiny angry child. what’s got her goat? i don’t know but id better go find her and tell her i’m available to help. she could also be looking for me outta the kindness of her heart. if anyone else cited that as a reason i’d sock them in the jaw, but i’m inclined to believe Alisaie would do that. is he with her? she can handle her own but i trust Fray bout as far as i can throw him. i got to the ground level and ran back for the camp in search of her. “oh you’ve returned! she was awful serious about running out and searching for you despite us saying we saw you walk out last night. where were you if i may ask?” 

“I was on that building over yonder. mustve fallen asleep up there.” i rubbed my neck and looked around. 

“That man with you went out searching as well, though they went in different directions. if one shows back up we’ll keep them here till you return.” I thanked them then took off in the direction opposite the building i slept on. I also noticed that caretaker and Halric were absent as well. i hope they are looking for him over me, i can defend myself after all. Well we found Halric. the only good thing apparently that’s happened today. it took like all day but it happened. i wasn’t there to witness but apparently that caretaker is now a sineater and flew off. we’ll probably have to kill her later. Alisaie is taking it super hard. i hardly knew the woman but she deserved to go out a better way. all i can do is try to offer support. her brother would know better words then i on this matter probably. 

She’s hellbent on fixing Halric and finding some way to halt the corruption and like, i get that i understand it but that’s the tallest of orders and quite frankly impossible. maybe in this instance death is a mercy then becoming a monster. i stepped out again but this time Fray followed and we didnt go far, just to that building again. “Talk to me Ney. what’s going on?”

“Am i callous for wanting to just do whatever the fuck we were called here to do and leaving? of course i want the kid to grow up and be happy. and she had such hope in this broken world. but that’s not how life works. death may be the only mercy these people get. end their suffering before there’s nothing of them left to put at peace. quit looking at me like that you’re just as callous Fray.” he put his hands up then shrugged. 

“I didn’t say anything. but it’s nice to see a bit of how your brain works. detachment isnt the answer. i think the three of us here are proof you don’t actually want to be alone in life.” he pulls me back to the camp and went over to the table Halric was sitting at. don’t do that. dont act like you know me. i might do something stupid like trust you. 

[lampd-intheface]

vampire LAMP au

okay but like imagine a vampire au with polysanders except virgil is the only human???

roman got bitten by a vampire in italy just for kicks and then he was left to his own devices. he had to suffer through the shift alone with nobody to help him

for a little while, he was ravenous and accidentally killed a lot of people. in the end, tho, he snapped out of it and taught himself how to control his hunger

roman lived through the italian renaissance and moved between italy and spain (which is why he can speak really good spanish/italian) and even settled down a little in england for some time too

when roman settled down in england, he met patton who'd been a vampire for a while now

patton became a vampire becos he was hit with the plague and his mother was desperate to find a cure. this vampire they met ended up helping and then taking patton under his wing

roman and patton eventually find themselves in america (which was still a pretty new country at the time)

logan lived during the industrial era where everyone was just inventing things left and right and it was booming in terms of science and machinery

he was turned becos a vampire thought his genius was too valuable and death shouldn't put a stop to logan who had a lot of potential

the three then settled down in america

roman made some money writing fantasy books under pseudonyms. logan made money through patents or really any kind of intellectual work he could find. patton spent his time at home, just helping out and taking care of roman and logan

they had to move often, of course, becos people would be suspicious if they just stayed in the same place for too long. they couldn't get attached to people either becos getting attached to people meant people who would keep track of them

after all of their years being alive, patton and logan and roman have amassed enough money that they're just chilling and living comfortably

now, it's the modren era and, in this au, all of them either have online classes and/or night classes

virgil takes night classes and online classes because it limits his social interaction with other people and he's much more comfortable interacting with smaller groups of classmates (night classes)/not physically interacting with classmates at all (online classes)

the others because well duh they're vampires

it's not becos they dont like sunlight (they can be exposed to a little but too much gives them rashes). it's just that it's easier to keep a low profile if they interact with less people

logan is really the only one seriously taking classes and not for any other reason than because he loves learning. patton and roman will take classes here and there but only for their hobbies

insert virgil. i haven't thought this one through but logan probably meets him first because they share a class together.

anyway, LAMP have a meet cute or whatever

maybe like virgil is in an art history class and the prof says something wrong abt a certain part of history

logan is about to correct the prof but virgil beats him to it and logan is impressed with how accurate virgil was with his facts because logan lived that era and not a lot of people are so knowledgeable about it

that aside, their friendship takes time

logan has to introduce patton and roman separately and then the three of them have to keep attempting to get closer to virgil slowly and at virgil's pace

eventually, for their own reasons, they fall in love with virgil

logan falls in love with how much he relates to virgil. virgil is so smart and the two of them can talk and have debates and virgil just understands him so well

roman falls in love with how snarky virgil is becos he'll tease virgil and he knows virgil will serve it right back to him. virgil challenges him and its exhilarating and exciting

patton falls in love with how soft virgil is and how much he wants to protect virgil from all the bad things in the world. he loves how virgil has been through so much and yet virgil is still so strong

virgil is unaware of how smitten the three of them are tho and he falls in love with them too. he kind of just... plans to be with whoever asks him out first (if any of them ask him out at all)

because virgil struggles with his anxiety a lot, he can't really work at normal places. there's too many interactions, too many people.

he had thought that he'd eventually get used to it and then he'd be able go get a job but it's taking him a lot of time to get over his anxiety

precious time he can't really afford since he's putting himself through college

which is where his vamp boyfriends friends come in because hello, if they can't pay for their cute human crush's essential college classes, then what's the point of having all that money?

in any case, they find out abt virgil's financial problems and they're like omg... we're the solutions to his problem!!!

roman: i can finally actually slay what ails virgil!!!

logan: you won't be slaying anything--

roman: LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING

before they establish that sort of relationship though, logan and roman and patton all agree that they want virgil to know the real them first so that virgil can decide whether or not he wants to be associated with them

the last thing they want to do is make virgil feel like he's obligated to stay with them even tho he fears them becos they're paying for his college and housing him and stuff

so, they plan get to know virgil more and then tell virgil they're kind of sort of creatures of the night

definitely easier said than done

when they tell virgil, he's like *phone error sound* ??? before realizing oh my God, they're serious

he then laughs about it a little and the other three are confused but he clarifies that the situation was very ironic

becos like omg, how hilarious is that??? the one goth guy who's super pale and avoids social contact and is practically the stereotypical vampire is actually the only one that's NOT a vampire??? that's irony at its finest

virgil then also assures them that the three of them being vampires doesn't bother him one bit

virgil, the epitome of tumblr humor: bold of you to assume i wouldn't f**k a supernatural being

jokes aside, he does reveal to them that he couldn't care less about what species they were, just that they loved him and he loved them

and damn did virgil love those three idiots

roman: woah there, you might pull a muscle from all the i love you's you're spouting

virgil, sweating up a storm after showing the most emotional vulnerability in his life: sh*t u rite

jokes aside, they do form a sort of weird relationship where the three of them happily provide for virgil because virgil doesnt have the means to do so

it takes virgil a while to really get used to it since he's not used to accepting things from other people without giving back

he struggles for a little while becos he keeps trying to find ways to repay them for what they do for him but there's only so much he can do

eventually they have a conversation abt it and they're like babe honey sweetie no

patton: you give us your love and that's the absolute most important and priceless thing in the world!!!

virgil, known pessimist who cringes away from romantic gestures out of habit: sounds fake but ok

but like eventually they work it out in like a slowly but surely kind of way.

virgil learns to see money the same way the other three do (replaceable and pretty much worthless to vampires who have a large abundance of it) and the other three learn to kind of tone it down on the expensive gifts

virgil: im so glad you guys dont buy me really expensive things now

roman, sweating profusely as he hides the golden apple he had commissioned to be made especially for virgil: oH YEAH OFC HAHAHA

(logan, when roman had suggested getting virgil the golden apple: first of all, no??? in what way is that even romantic--)

omg imagine if virgil does the thing where he coops himself up in his room??? and then someone tries to get him to get out by pulling the blinds open to let in light??? and virgil hisses???

patton, having just let sunlight in, looking absolutely offended: OKAY FIRST OF ALL, you're not a vampire so don't take that tone of hiss with me--

someone is like teasing or bullying virgil abt his aesthetic and virgil is obviously getting uncomfortable, esp when they call him twilight (in reference to the vampire romance novel)

so one of the boys, probably roman, steps up and he's like 'the person you should call twilight is me' and he scares the bullies by flashing his eyes red and showing them his fangs

omg!!! roman doesn't have a reflection so virgil helps him put on make up or smth!!!

maybe virgil in this au is an artist so he paints a picture of all three of them so they know what they look like becos they dont show up on pictures and reflections

patton, gazing down at the picture: this is what true love feels like

logan, also feeling the same way: really? how unpleasant

logan:

logan: give me more

omg also logan having only really kept up with the intellectual side of history so he doesn't know abt memes and like stuff like that so virgil teaches him and he has his Flashcards™

iDK MAN JUST VAMPIRE BOYS BEING SOFT FOR EACH OTHER AND FOR THIS SMALL LITTLE HUMAN THEYVE PULLED UNDER THEIR (bat) WINGS

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[frankensteindotpdf]

Jon’s TGWDLM Livestream

I offered to write out all of Jon’s answers in his q&a (not verbatim, just a summary but also it got a little long, sorry for that) so here it is! sorry if there’s typos, i wrote this at 2am lmao i put most of the qs in bold

it was hard not to kiss jeff in WDYWP, especially because his face was so close (great way to start it off)

“Sing the beginning of Moana wasnt improvised”

He loves Not Your Seed and Show Stopping Number

His favourite piece of fanart is one of the first ones with red paul blue paul (in let it out) and he had it as his homescreen for a while

he got into starkid by doing Power Prom with jeff and lauren, (as well as another show with jeff and another with quite a few of the starkids) and then they asked him if he was interested in auditioning and he sent in a video audition and tah dahhh

if he could play any other character from tgwdlm it’d be hidgens (though he says part of the reason he loves hidgens so much is because robert did such a good job fleshing him out)

“how close are you and jeff” “uhh who’s jeff?”

paul’s job was originally gonna be a movie critic (buzzfeed-esque) (and at one point in WDYWP they brought up how he was reviewing a Hamilton movie musical-which was, incidentally, his fav deleted bit) but it ended up being at a customer service center “but most of the time he fixes printers and plays on the internet”

jaime helped out with some of the lyrics to CORC/COPC because she’s a barista

his fav memory with the cast was before shows and one time when they hung out after the show at a diner

his fav line that almost made him break every time was “Latte hottay...my wife...yknow like borat, dude” (it made him break a couple of times but he was always walking off stage like right as he said it)

he really liked the line “we’ll make a jammin’ cup of java, mocha latte with the froth for you, jack, frappuccino!” he just thought the wordplay was real good

fav joke was probs the moana bit (he broke a couple of times there too)

fav song was Show Stopping Number (and he said the way the songs flow when you’re listening to it on the album is so good)

he never found it boring to go to rehearsals because James and Lauren are such good choreographers and all the actors are so good at singing and dancing he got to watch them perform all the time and he really enjoyed it (how pure)

his reaction to hearing the show’s plot was “hell yeah, this is gonna be so much fun”

when he first heard let it out he was stoked because in high school he had tried performing Confrontation from Jekyll and Hyde with just a boom box so no one could actually hear the music and it didnt go well so he felt like that song was letting him redeem himself

his fav moment from the show’s run was the first show because they were so stressed because it was the first time they went all the way through the show with tech and music and it went really well “It was magical. we were all,like, on this adrenaline endorphin high and, uh, it was awesome.”

fav character from any starkid show is either nick playing robin or nick playing obi wan from Ani (he’s seen the scene where obi wan walks into the bar “probably a million times” because he loves the timing and the dry humour) but also nick gage as sultan from Twisted

fav moment to watch in the show was the part after Not Your Seed when the aliens were trying to talk at the same time

“would i have wanted to sing more? no, because i got to sing these two awesome songs” Let It Out was really fun to do but also daunting, and in Inevitable he got to sing parts of the other songs

no real mishaps with the blood capsules, just getting fake blood all over his face and shirt (but that was fine cuz it made him look like more of a badass in the next scene, as long as he remembered not to wipe it off)

fav line that he said? “ok”

“will i ever make my own version of Love Never Dies?” he wants to be in a musical about death (more of a “silly fun romcom”) and thinks that concept has so much potential

he’s inspired by The Adventure Zone and that’s where he got the name Travis from (idk what he’s talking about being inspired about, he never really says)

if paul drank the coffee, he would have been infected

there were no pranks, but

before one of the last shows he was rehearsing outside and he “stepped in human poop” like 20 minutes before he had to go on (he threw out the shoes ofc and luckily a member of the band had extra shoes that fit)

general advice? “number 1 surround yourself with people who love and support you and that you trust and you like to have a lot of fun with 2 if you can develop a skill that you l can support yourself when you’re not working, develop that skill, its really important just so you can put food on the table and also you’ll hear a ton of advice and there are a lot of training programs about how to act and how to sing but find whatever works for you...understand the character and do whatever you can to remove tension” (that was a lot lmao but i thought it was good advice)

there were lots of little improvised bits in the show but his fav was trying to figure out what he and emma were gonna say when they were going through the alleys

before every show they’d put their arms around each other and make a one word story (i can explain the game if you dont know what it is)

paul still wants a carpet

the starkid actor he’d want to play paul (if it wasnt him) would be brosenthal or brolden

fav food is “fuh”?  im sorry im a dummy ive heard of it but i cant spell it but yeah he likes it cuz it hydrates you and it’s delicious

he doesnt know the “alexa play despacito” meme

he’d love to speak mandarin (and do a film in china, he’s never been)

paul cant hear the background music when the aliens sing

his fictional band would be named either Territorial Fashionistas, The Light Quixotic, or Immortal Bond

fav fan moment was with a fan who had just had a really bad breakup which reminded of himself and how being true to yourself is more important than staying with your partner

dark mode looks cooler on his phone so he likes it best

in songs where he got to watch others singing and dancing, he was smiling on the inside and the fact that he couldnt sing or dance for most of the musical was made up for by the songs he did get to 

MY QUESTION!! (yes, i screamed) “Why did Paul offer bill and mr.davidson a ‘nice caramel frappe, nothing better’ when he only ever ordered black coffee?” he’s gotten them for Bill before cuz it’s his favourite, and he was just saying anything to try to get away from mr.davidson

he knows the lyrics to Moana because he secretly loves musicals after having watched so many with Alice growing up, but he wont even admit it to himself “he says he likes hamilton way more than mamma mia, so, yknow. he has an opinion”

he hopes it’ll come to chicago but he doesnt know if it will

his fav musical is a tie between Chess and Little Shop of Horrors

the backstage was really nice

he was honoured to have lauren spit on him

he was, of course, sad when it was over (but he’s stoked to move to LA)

finally, in the ending he revealed what his decision was for the end with paul, but i think it’s better expressed through a gif so check out: https://showstoppinnumber.tumblr.com/post/182153650669/theguywhodidnotlikemusicals

that was so long haha sorryyy i didnt wanna leave out anything. it was fun! hope you enjoy it, @realshowstopper!! if y’all have any qs hmu

[ghostliied]

Alright, if you haven’t noticed

An update I guess. 

Also just a bit of venting to get stuff out. I honestly don’t care if you read all of it or what have you, but long story short....

I am putting Kimiko on selective hiatus until further notice. The details under the read more along with the rant if you wanna know. The important stuff is bolded and italicised 

Though tbh I’m surprised I’m still getting followers here whatever.

I’ve been trying really really hard not to bring her to this -- to abandon her and never come back. 

There are several muses that I’ve done that to. Just abandoned them. Hugh, Yuya... But all of which have been in the pokemon fandom. There is a reason for it I suppose. And it’s my personal opinion it has nothing to do with the fandom being quiet and dying/having low activity or whatever..

(honestly if you told me it was, I would politely ask you to stop talking because you really have no idea what it mean to have low activity on a ‘dying fandom.’ believe me I know what it is and the pokemon fandom is not that.)

So instead of just flat out leaving her, I’m just turning off dash notifs. I would never leave her entirely. I don’t think my RP partners deserve that. I have developed really intense and complex relationships with others. 

I will reply to threads. 

Current ones, new ones, what have you. I don’t really care. I will leave my im’s open. I still want to develop her but I may just become super private about it. if anything I will still notify those who I genuinely dont know how to continue the thread. but unless I have told you otherwise, if we have a thread and I owe a reply to you, know that I will be doing it. Dont know when, dont care if its old, I will. Just forgive me if it takes a while because motivation to even write her is very low.

Honestly if you guys want to talk about plotting or anything. You can send a message to me. Chances of my seeing an ask/im on here right away may be low though. You can send asks to @kuromakii (its a side blog and I will be able to see them but idk why IMs are closed here but it will be your best bet though to get a quick response) or if you dont like sending asks, you can send IMs to @pudoguli (my personal blog.)

I have asks here for mimi too. and people sometimes send asks from time to time (but not really tbh)

I will still answer all asks.

Now my reasons for doing this? well. I still hold my opinion that every fandom treats female muses like shit though. No I’m not doing this for others. I write for myself. But I still hold my opinion that I came to tumblr to interact with others. not to be ganging on doors and walls. Granted, have I made some pretty great friends here? yea. And that’s why I’m not 100% leaving. But at this point I am no longer wanting to approach people about the matter anymore. Whether it may be tumblr deleting my asks, or other just kind of dont want to interact/not in the mood/have their hands tied or whatever. I dont really care. I’m not here to force anybody into doing any interaction. But for somebody who has tried really really hard to be nice, send asks, make starters or whatever and then flat out unfollowed/blocked/etc for whatever is not only sad but it’s hurtful. Specially since all I do is put my heart out for others. 

No I’m not forcing anything on anybody. This isn’t about follower count or whatever. I am genuinely talking about me trying to talk to people and putting myself out there and genuinely getting nothing back and for whatever reason, I don’t really care or whatever, it’s fine. Again I’m not forcing anybody to do anything. I am very aware of mental health or whatever.

And I know, people have said that I come off as strong, or intimidating or whatever. and you know what. That hurts, but its whatever.

Its more than that though. I just don’t feel like I belong here. and really why would I want to put myself through more misery with that. I have my friends. I message them and whatnot. I don’t need anybody’s pity or support. 

People can just carry on with their lives. and that’s fine. really it is. I hold no hatred or spite. really. I promise I dont. Granted are there people that I have blacklisted? yes, but honestly at this point I can tell you that there are only 2 people that I avoid here. and I’m telling you all this cause of the dozens of people I have met and spoken with and of the hundreds or urls I have seen, only two are blacklisted and ONLY one has been blocked. 

But I would never ever reveal the names because it is not in my nature to name drop and send hate to them. It is only for my comfort. 

but I digress. Again, I’m just writing all of this to get it out of my system or whatever. I really wouldn’t want to make anybody feel bad for me or whatever. but yea.

I’m probably gonna leave out of most of the discord groups I’m in. I’ll keep mine up and open. my discord, however, IS NOT open to people. Unless I find that I want to share with you because you want to plot then sure but otherwise, I’m not sharing it. again you can send messages to the personal blogs if you want.

You can maybe find me @rexsilentium or @lunalxa if you want to try to interact with canon characters. but activities on them are also just as low as here. 

I’m sorry for those who actually do care about me. I promise I’m still here. just... not dashwatching. Again I’ll be responding to threads or whatever. PMs are open if you want. but otherwise. I’m probably not gonna be super helpful. 

And please, for those who do know me. I’m letting you all know. If you are struggling or something and need some help of cheering up, please do message me so I can try to help you.

Also another thing. I got a new job. not that anybody would care or anything but. it’s 4, 10 hour shifts. And its at night. meaning that I will most likely be sleeping when you peeps are on OR starting my shift. idk its whatever again but just another reason to just not be here.

Anyway. 

peace.

[tornhoodie]

TLJ spoilers, don’t read this bit if you ain’t seen it

Italics is the thing I’m responding to. Bold is me.

Expectations in film can be strange. Most audiences love to know what to expect when coming into a film, familiarity is comforting and helps us escape. Subverting expectations can help surprise us and transcend the movie experience into something more substantial than an escape, maybe into something great. Unfortunately, The Last Jedi fails in this regard. It does subvert audience expectations, but the price the film pays is not worth it’s price. The things set up in The Force awakens are thrown aside for something surprising, and it succeeds in this, but the story and film are not stronger for it.

*** I can't agree that the mysteries set up were "thrown aside" for something surprising. All reports indicate (including direct from Johnson) that this WAS what was planned, in concert with Abrams and the Story Group. They just weren't resolved in the usual Star Wars fashion. ***

Luke Skywalker’s character is turned on his head. The film starts with Luke throwing his beloved lightsaber off a cliff, which shocked everyone in the theatre. He is an eternal optimist in return of the jedi, even succeeding in turning his father from the dark to the light. Where others gave up on Vader, Luke remained hopeful. Luke remained true. Given all of this, we are supposed to believe that he almost kills one of his own students because he sees the dark has overtaken him? Surely not more than Darth Vader, surely not more than the absolute darkest version of a human being (seriously, the imagery of darth vader is just brilliant). Luke’s failure and reason for his exile does not align with his character at all, making his behavior shocking and surprising, but not interesting. Now that Luke is dead, we won’t get to see him return to the Luke we once knew. There is an argument here that this film is about failure, about coming to grips with and tackling failure to see the good failure brings. Luke should be allowed to fail, but not in a way that contradicts his every thought and move from other films. His greatest failure could have been many things, but almost killing a student doesn’t work.

*** BUT YOOOOOOOOOOO. Let's break this down.

-That Luke would fail Ben and retreat into seclusion is SO CHOICE AND ALSO COMPLETELY EXPECTED. Look at his mentors! Obi-Wan failed Anakin, and went into hiding on Tatooine. Yoda escaped Coruscant and hid on Dagobah. Luke had BARELY any training, only a few books, and a sister strong in the Force. And he was just supposed to train a dozen Force-sensitives including the grandson of Darth Fucken Vader and have it turn out okay? Hell no! He was terrified! Consider everything on his plate, and then consider the three versions of events we get. They all converge to one thing: Ben was becoming tainted, Luke knew it, and Luke was scared. Here's the extra wrinkle to this story though, that takes it away from being just like Luke and Vader: Luke was the old man now, the teacher. And he had historical precedent for how these things went. He knew what would happen if he failed, and his apprentice fell to the dark side. It would be Vader all over again. His fear took control of him, and he acted, and Ben saw this fear take control, and he reacted. Luke was afraid of becoming Obi-Wan, and he let the dark side guide his actions, and he BECAME OBI-WAN. It absolutely totally makes sense within the context of who Luke's mentors were.

-This movie is aaaaaaaaaabsolutely about failure and what we do in the face of it. This was Luke's failure. It is possibly the biggest failure he could have had, and boy howdy he brought it about.

-I mean if there's one last thing that'll cement this its that this old hermit gets a swift kick in the junk by R2-D2 playing Leia pleading for his help. The same message that got Obi-Wan back in the fight.

-and then and then that fear hasn't gone away! He continues to resist training Rey, and eventually tries to burn the Jedi books and end it all, because he's still terrified of failing another student and creating another Vader/Ren. It is only through Yoda coming back and blasting apart the tree that he wakes up and realizes "hey, you know what, maybe its time to clean up my mess." Failure, and what we do in the face of it. ***

Snoke is now dead, and we know nothing about him. His death had an impact on me. I involuntarily put my hand in front of my mouth at his death, shocked at what had just happened. However, his serves no purpose other than to subvert expectations, not to serve a better story. We know nothing about Snoke, we know nothing about how he came to lead the first order, we know nothing about his haggard appearance, and so many great possibilities died with that character. How was he trained as a sith with all of them dead? Where are the knights of Ren and his connection to Snoke? How did he come to lead the First Order (as the SUPREME COMMANDER, not just a high ranking member of the empire like Vader). Snoke’s death surprised everyone, but that’s it. A moment of subversion that does nothing to serve the story.

*** -Snoke ultimately wasn't important to the story of Rey and Kylo. For Kylo, he was a means to an end, and that end was power. Kylo cut him down when he thought he was done with Snoke, when Snoke threatened the one thing Kylo thought he'd made a real connection with: Rey. Snoke held no other true importance.

-It's not the failure of THIS MOVIE (or, even, the entire trilogy) that you thought he was going to be explained, but rather your expectations for what this movie was going to be. Let's get into that:

-Think real hard back to the Emperor. We had one scene in ESB of Palpatine talking to Vader, and that was it. In ROTJ, we have more, but he's still just a scenery-chewing evil wrinkle without explanation. We dont know where he came from, how he got his powers, or how he came to lead the Empire beyond assumptions: dude was strong and people were into it. I mean we didn't even know the dude's name without the novelization. In fact, that's where a lot of the info about his rise to power came from. It was only later, through movies and series and MORE novels that we got his life and backstory fleshed out.

-If you went into TLJ expecting to get the deets on Snoke, or that he was going to be the big bad and last until the end, that was you projecting your own expectations onto something that definitely wasn't promising answers. I mean, the trailers did everything they could to get you to throw those expectations away, with them specifically playing Luke's line: "This isn't going to go the way that you think." That theme, expectations and how our own are dashed constantly because we rely on them too much, IS SO IMPORTANT. It is the keystone to everything, especially the whole bit about Failure we talked about up top. Luke fails because he expects to be able to train all those Jedi. Rey fails because she expects that she's gonna be the next Luke Skywalker. Kylo fails because he expects Rey, whose past is filled with pain just like him, will throw aside her new family, just like him.

-We aren't done with these themes but I've GOTTA move on here ***

Also, The First Order has to be one of the laziest enemy factions in film. We know nothing of their origin. Say what you want of the prequels, we get a very good overview of how the mighty evil empire came to be, an origin story that makes sense in the universe. Even though TFA didn’t give any explanation as to the rise of the First Order, I had held out hope that once we learned about Snoke (the SUPREME LEADER, insinuating he is not only the figure head but the reason for the existence of the order a la Hitler), we would learn about the First Order. But, of course, because the director was so eager to subvert our expectations, we get nothing from either. This leaves The First Order as a lazy, uninteresting antagonist for the rest of the series. “The First Order Reigns” indeed.

*** -I mean, we knew nothing about the Empire in ANH and ESB either, beyond "welp the Emperor dissolved the Senate." As you said there, it was only through prequels and books and games and comics that we got more information, an origin story. Nothing about the run-up to this film indicated that we'd learn about where they came from. Again, the expectations. If you went into the movie expecting clarification, something that wasn't promised, that can't be laid at the feet of TLJ. If it were crucial to the narrative for us to understand exactly where Snoke and the First Order came from, we'd have heard about that stuff in TFA. That was the first movie in the trilogy, that was the one to take the time to tell us all about the bad guys. But it's not! It's not important. It's just not at all important to the story being told here. Here's what was important: the new main characters, their histories, their dreams, their hopes. these are the bad guys, these are the good guys. it doesn't matter what fringe conflict lit the spark of the first order, right now. it doesn't matter where snoke was born or how he got his powers. what matters is that the first order grew in power, created a super weapon, and destroyed the republic. what matters is that snoke was immensely strong and reveled in the dark side, twisted ben solo into becoming kylo ren, and leads the first order. that is PRETTY MUCH the exact amount of information we had in ESB.

***

Leia being a superman in space is one of the worse things I’ve seen in the movies. This doesn’t have much impact with my overall thesis but I have to mention this. Leia is out in space for a long time, we know she is strong with the force, but there could’ve been so many other ways to show this other than this scene. Also, Ackbar dies without fanfare before that scene, which is dumb.

*** -No, this was great if only for the experience of Jessica seeing Leia, floating in space and presumed dead, and her whispering "OH FUCK YOU" in between sobs. I will always remember this scene because it was so raw emotionally for everyone in that theater. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE when she reached out with the force and pulled herself to the blast door.

-I absolutely get if the scene didn't hit for you; not all scenes do for everyone. I have my problems with some of the more humorous bits in TLJ. But "one of the worst things I've seen in movies" is really strong? Stronger than I think that deserves? I dunno, man. You feel what you feel and I can't tell you otherwise, but I'm certain I could point to like INFINITE scenes and have them be worse than this one.

-but hey. If it didn’t work for you, I can’t argue that.

-Ackbar is a fun character for easter egg purposes but the dude is not nearly as important as the internet wants to make him. The movie was two and a half hours long, and spending more time than they did mourning Ackbar would have been a waste. For all the thinkpieces saying "thank you for mourning ackbar" you'd see just as many thinkpieces saing "TLJ is too long and it's because of ackbar." ***

That leads me to this next part. Admiral whats-her-name that takes over the resistance capital ship is a terrible character all around. When she sacrificed herself at the end for the fleet, there was no emotional impact at all (even given how great the cinematography is during the suicide scene). The director should’ve let Ackbar go out this way, why try to make us attach to some random admiral we know nothing about? Ackbar has history as a character, has a weight to character. Having him go out the way the admiral did would have made a great impact, and seen a great character go out in a very satisfying way. Instead, he is thrown out without fanfare and replaced. The only distinguishing feature of Ackbar’s replacement is that she had purple hair and argued with Poe. Which brings me to another not only throw away character but throw away plot section.

*** -Vice Admiral Holdo

-WHAT

-ARE YOU KIDDING ME MY DUDE

-MY DUDE I CANT WITH THIS

-im putting a placeholder here because i feel A MIGHTY NEED to come back to this and straighten you out but also i just need to move on because how DARE you i dont have time for this section right now

-i came back to this one just to say that you weren't paying attention to Holda and Poe's interactions. You were too excited for an old hero of the rebellion to get his due (ackbar) that you missed the tactic brilliant tactics and heroic sacrifice of of the hero in front of you (holda) which is exactly why it is so important that poe thinks holda should look different. She's not the person he expected, and that colors his opinion of her.

-"argued with poe" my dude, she didn't argue with poe. poe mutinied because she didn't tell him the plan, because he's a fuckin scrub that got their entire bomber fleet decimated in one attack that didn't even do much, because he's too concerned with being a hero of the resistance that he didn't stop to think about the actual tactical necessity of such an attack. which holda and leia did.

-BECAUSE HES A FUCKIN SCRUBLORD AND SHES A GODDAMN VICE ADMIRAL im real angry about this and the Rose paragraphs my man ***

Finn’s entire story was unnecessary and should have been cut. Why are we, as an audience, supposed to care about this story? It does nothing, doesn’t expand anything about the characters, other than being able to see Finn fight his old boss, but the whole story turns out to be a red herring. Rose (Finn’s companion throughout this story) was introduced without fanfare, and we are supposed to feel connected to her at the end when she saves finn, but I have trouble remembering her name. She had a sister that died, and she was sad. That’s all I got. I feel that you shouldn’t introduce a new character into an ongoing series if you won’t do anything significant with development. Finn’s partner and the admiral were both throw away characters. Compare this to someone like Lando, who is introduced in Empire Strikes Back but steals the show in his direction. We get a full fledged character, interesting and flawed, and all in one movie. It can be done, it was just done poorly in The Last Jedi.

*** -Dude you're straight up losin' me now. I have my problems with the casino world of Canto Bight and the things that happen through it, but you're kinda throwing a completely-fleshed-out character into space, and I can't really figure out why? Rose absolutely has motivations and character development. Shit, we know more about her than Poe:

---Sister was on the bomber that destroyed the first dreadnought, but she's not just SAD about her sister, she's PROUD of her sister (she talks about her sister, we know she shares the other half of the necklace, this is all clear stuff)

---She's steadfast in her duty and believes in the resistance, going so far as to protect the escape pods they have from being used by deserters, even when they're all running for their lives (she talks about shocking 3 or 4 people before finn shows up, which is honestly a big deal considering the stress everyone is under?)

---She absolutely believes in doing the right thing for the right reasons, and for standing up for the "little guy," even against the people you thought were your heroes. (again, shocks finn, a hero of the resistance who she ACTIVELY admires and fan-girls over, because he disappointed her, and also tells it like it is to finn re: the war profiteers and who the casino people are)

-She is the fucking emotional core of the movie, man. Her entire thing is hope. She carries the spark of hope within her, like literally she says this and they talk about the spark of hope over and over and over (she delivers that spark to the children of Canto Bight's goat-horse racetrack, and one of them turns out to be force-sensitive yo!)

-We get more about Rose and see more about why she's important than we ever get with Lando. Again, think REAL HARD about Lando's character development. Dude turns on Han, then turns back around and lets the resistance go. We know he originally owned the Falcon but that's basically it. The rest of his character (WHICH HEY, AGAIN, AINT THAT MUCH) comes in ROTJ. ***

There are some good things about this movie. Luke’s final shot with the two suns is a great piece of cinematography, and the cinematography overall is really incredible. The sets were great, and we of course get a cool lightsaber brawl that had some great choreography. Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley are really good in their moments alone, both of them steal the show in this film. Kylo Ren is by far the most interesting character in this series, and I hope he gets a good send off in the last film of the new trilogy. Mark Hamill was not given much to work with, but he did what he could. Even given that, I was enamored with his performance. I am a bit of a fan boy of his voice work, so I am definitely biased in this regard.

*** -Look I know this is the paragraph where you said there are good things but man, I really need you to go see this thing again. Look at all the bullshit Hamill is throwing down. The scene where Yoda comes back, Luke is instantly 30 years younger and complaining to that old puppet about how he tried but it's all too hard. And yeah, that's because Hamill is great, but also its because Rian Johnson fuckin knew exactly what he was doing, and the script gave Hamill so much damn screen time it's ridiculous. He had more time than Ford did in TFA, and knocked every scene he had out of the park. Damn, he was great. ***

I am not upset with the things you would expect, porgs didn’t matter, I thought they were cute, I didn’t care for the animals that were there clearly to only sell merchandise. I didn’t even mind the constant humor, which I think there is an argument that the constant humor weakens the film over all. The film tries to tackle dark themes which the humor brings levity.

What I lament most is the missed potential. We have been given fantastic explorations of the Star Wars universe in books and video games, some great explorations of the Light and Dark side that give a more nuanced view of the Star Wars universe. Luke even starts to mention the Hubris of the jedi, which I hoped he would elaborate on more and go into why he thought the jedi were wrong. I also hoped he would go into why we avoid the dark even though the jedi are wrong, I hoped Luke would explain how he came to these conclusions other than one student that fell to the dark. I hoped so much for so much more. There was a real opportunity here to make this exploration part of the main saga, but we instead get subversion for the sake of subversion, surprise for the sake of shock. There were some great things to build on from the previous film, but those are tossed aside for the sake of surprise. The Star Wars saga is worse because of the director’s decisions, and I’m sad it happened that way.

*** -I'm gonna toss this graph back up to the top. Things that you hoped for, I absolutely understand. There's something to be said for hoping for things. But a lot of what you said sounds a great deal more like you expected one thing, and got another. Your expectations led you to believe that you knew how this was going to go, and you were surprised and disappointed that you weren't right.

-You talk about "subversion for the sake of subversion" but, is that really true? What was subverted? Your expectations for how the story would go? For how the information would get doled out? I mean, lets get into that. Star Wars has trained us to believe that everyone is connected in some grand way to the Skywalker legacy, that history is just going to repeat itself. The prequels did that (fuckin, C3PO, damn), they cemented that. But hey, can I ask you something?

-We all kinda expected this to be another ESB right? After TFA being an homage to ANH, it kinda felt inevitable. Film has taught us to expect the "dark middle chapter," the "Empire" of the trilogy. There were story beats that you/we figured would come up.

-But can you really call it "subversion for the sake of subversion" when NOTHING WAS PROMISED from the very beginning?

-Movies have taught us to expect that the hero's past is mysterious, that they are tied in some mystical way to some dynastical destiny. That the villain at the head of the table is all-powerful, awe-inspiring, and has some rich backstory about how they came to power. But TFA and TLJ don't promise that any of that is coming. Indeed, they follow in the grand tradition of the original trilogy: give as little information as needed to follow the story of a resistance fighting back against a tyrannical empire, and the key players of that resistance.

-TLJ delivered on that legacy. It answered the questions that needed answering while at the same time ensuring that we weren't simply rehashing ESB. It set fire to the sacred jedi text tree, while ensuring that those texts weren't destroyed; they're in the hands of someone else, a new generation who might be able to do some good with them. ***

“It’s time for the old ways to die”…. Maybe they should have thought about that a little bit more before Yoda called lightning down on the Jedi tree.

*** THEY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID THATS WHAT THE MOVIE’S ABOOOOOOOOUT, BURN IT ALL DOWN AND START ANEWWWWWWWWWWWWW, LIGHT THE SPAAAAAAAAAAARK ***