#i too am someone w no energy or motivation to do things when it gets tough

[padfootastic]

i think—after writing saudade, my dislike for remus has become much more…clearer?

like, it’s definitely not the fact that he didn’t do anything to help sirius that bothers me. it’s pretty clear he had no power or resources to do anything about the fact, especially if even dumbledore didn’t do anything.

but the fact that he believed sirius to be at fault? or atleast, capable of betraying james? that he supposedly didn’t make any attempts to say, go see him in azkaban? that he acted exactly the same as everyone else in the WW who either didn’t know these two or only barely did? kinda terrible, tbh.

(and like, not to make it transactional or anything, but j&s did *so much* for remus; went above and beyond for him and…this is what he’s like in return? yikes)

[useyourwordsdarling]

hii, was feeling super shy to write but it's mid of the night, I am half asleep, half horny and I can't help it anymore

first of all thank u for the great posts, you're honestly such a good writer

sooo it's not exactly my area of expertise but I'm thinking of coding an AI that can write just like u.. for funsies (or more) (hope u don't mind)

also u talked about being a calc tutor and enjoying it and I relate sm! I peer tutored stats and calc courses during the beginning of my 2nd year of uni (I still want u to tutor me tho 💕), didn't think I'd enjoy it but it was fun interacting w new people and helping them out but it got stressful so I quit 😞

any tips for juggling work, school, & life? I feel like I have too much I wanna do but not enough time/energy/motivation

anyways this was all over the place so thanks for reading, hope u have a good day/night 🦋

Awh that’s actually so sweet, thank you. And as to the AI part, even if it’s out of my area (I’d love to learn to program on that level tho) it does seem possible. But it’s probably easier to make an AI bot rather than code your own. There’s plenty of those AI bot websites you can check and if you have a sample of text big enough to input into it you might be able to get somewhat similar results. So if you just used my posts for that it should work? But I can’t say for sure

I wouldn’t mind if someone did that especially since it’s out of my control people can do it either way. But I really do wonder just how accurate it would be because I can see it being shit too and that’d be pretty funny. Teaching can be fun but it’s definitely tiring and not for everybody, I wouldn’t say it’s for me either but it was a nice experience to have

I’m probably one of the worst people you could ask how to have a work life balance like that…While working at my final project at my uni my professor who was assisting me with my thesis started to actually be worried and feel bad about how much time I spent on it…I’d sometimes spend the night working on it, and he felt pretty bad so I started working on it in the dark in the lab we got in hopes he wouldn’t notice I was there which isn’t great..

But I do think this balance it’s an important thing to have, I certainly should work more on it myself. I think it comes to not trying to be as productive as possible too, it’s okay to take breaks. It’s okay to do things that aren’t “productive”. We are still human at the end of the day, if we keep trying to work work and work, we’ll inevitably hit a wall. That’s why burn outs are a thing. This might not feel much of an advice, since I don’t know the solution myself. But I think related to knowing your priories, especially people in your life you want to keep close. And know when to spend time with them, because that’s still much more important than work or studying in the end

[boxwinebaddie]

Have the CD guys ever read fanfic about themselves?

OH MY GODDSKLHDHLS

YES!!! yES, THEY HAVE!!!

THEY'VE READ TOO MUCH, TBH.

no, because back in the good ole days when the boys were still The Boys and darling scotty had not made his evil fuckboy transformation into Thot, they did a very silly segment on MTV that was sponsored by red bull, who, in my fake ncuniverse, collabed with grey goose,

and released these very crazy 4loko-esqe red/gray alcoholic energy drinks that the CD boys were taste-testing ( yes, they were Gone ) while they dramatically read and re-enacted the most vile, viral sex scenes written about them in aO3 fanfictions. it was...So Good.

( boxwinebaddie DEF made the cut, jsyk. xx )

but anyways, for con-sext, The Boys took turns reading...

kenny carried the whole thing on their back tbh ( all while wearing the skeleken facemask, might i add, which required them to suck their drink through a swirly straw...a lot of sucking jokes were made...smh )

scott, i think, had to pause every five seconds to laugh and when he wasn't, his med-student brain was looking too far into the logistics of all the sex positions and the motivations behind them...love him.

jimmy's performance was phenomenal, obviously, ( comedic legend ) but all the stuttering and slurring required subtitles, i fear. whaaack.

but, uh...speaking of Reading...and being Whack.

i just want to start out by saying...

Ravenstan...I Love You.

God Bless You, Baby.

you really....tried your Very Best.

however...

...that man CANNOT read.

HEEEELPSSK

OOOOOOOOOF. IT WAS /SO/ FUNNY, YOU GUYS.

i need a ten minute super-cut of raven of crimson dawn trying to read because it is SOOOO Unserious. his dyslexia is soooo bad. RIP </3

however, i must say that i admire the confidence in which he very loudly and proudly read out words, smiled very cutely at the camera,

and pRONOUNCED THEM DEAD FUCKING WRONG.

it was god tier comedy, i am not even joking, the boys regularly skipped turns so stan had to read more often...it was that funny, fml.

he would try to read something, sound it out, squint, tilt his head to the right like a small, confused dog and go:

"'his...Personal dick?' but that...doesn't even make SENSE??? pero like, Clearly it's Jimmy's Personal Dick and not someone elses?? so i don't know why xXdrummers-bang-harder-69Xx even Wrote that." :/

please note: scott and jimmy LITERALLY ABOUT TO START CRYING whilst kenny takes a v large slurp of their drink, also trying v hard not to cry like "rae, baby, i'm gonna hold your hand while i say this..."

*literally holds stan's hand.*

"it's not Personally...

...it's *Pulsating*.

'His /PULSATING/ Dick.'"

which i think they figured would’ve cleared that up, but, not enough, i guess bc ravenstan, squinting Again, said

"the stuff.....in orange juice?"

HEEEEELPPPPPP

NOOOOO SKLHSDSKD bABY THAT IS /PULP/.

ft. jimmy shouting "AYOOOOOO! can we get some fanfictions with smaller w-w-words in them? because raven can't r-r-read."

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUTAL!!! BOOOO!!! LAME!!! CORNY!!!

Justice For My Sexy Dyslexy KING!!!! >:O

listen!!! he is Very Nice and Very Pretty, therefore, he does not NEED to know how to Read, okay?!!! he has Other People to read for him, namely, his super smart mega fine Law Student Boyfriend who rEADS TO HIM EVERY NIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! he Won!!!

he did also say 'okay, FUCK YOU GUYS!' and scott legitimately waved the list and (th)said "i think you actually do that in thith next one."

WHICH????? the only thing funnier than stan trying to read on camera, is when they have to read any fic where ravenstan whips out...

…hIS THICK MASSIVE TEN INCH SCHLONG.

when i tell you they were SCREAMING!!!! ohMyGOD.

that was sO FKN FUNNY to them, they were like OH MY GOD, RAVEN PUT THAT THING AWAAAAAAAY!!! ITS TOO LARGE WERE SCARED SKDJSLD dead, actually sooo dead...like their audience did not understand the context of that, but it was SOOOO unserious.

i swear the cd boys fave inside joke is to make an insane amount of out of pocket raven dick jokes in interviews, like i shit you not, they’re like "hi, sorry we're late! raven turned around too fast coming out of the shower, accidentally slapped us in the face with his HUGE DICK and knocked us out cold." SKHDD it happens so often ppl are literally Frothing At The Mouth trying to SEE IT.

smmHHHH.

like, besties...

I'm Gonna Hold Your Hand While I Say This.

HKDSKDSKDKHSDhLKSHDLDSK

Live, Laugh, Love My Boys. <3

-uncle nina, proud mother of four

( or, uh, Three ig )

[pomefioredove]

Hi hello hi

I really really really LOVE YOUR STORIES

They're so so so so so good

And i love to reread them and i come back to em (my sense of time awareness -temporal awareness???- is terrible tho so sometimes I think it's been weeks since i read one but it turns out to only be a day)

Anyways, your writing

Is

So

GOOD

I love it

It's so WONDERFUL!!

Love the way you write Vil and Rook and reallly all of the characters

It's so delicious so delightful so wonderful and so satisfying and just THE BEST

I don't want to repeatedly reblog at times mostly cause i know that tends to translate as lots lots of notifs (i can be a bit spammy with my comments and reblogs so i try not to be too much but also your stuff is so so so so so so so so so GOOD )

The writing is simply immaculate in that it's so cozy and so delightful to read yet one still feels like it's the character and it's one of those cases of "the writing makes it feel canon even if that character doesn't always act like that". Not sure if that makes sense, but understand it's positive connotations. I love how you create these stories and the way you write them. The wording is so good and it feels both descriptive and gets details and emotions across yet not blandly concise and dry. It's really really really such a delight to read your stuff and i wanted you to know that without obliterating notifs with stuff (also cause i get tired or even WORSE - i blank out in the comment section or reblog section cause i got too excited and then i can't think about what exactly to write down lol)

Anyway, dropping this in the ask box

P.S. - pardon if overly energetic, trying not to be too much after sipping multiple cups of coffee- I'm so jittery and my heart is hype and it doesn't help that i was rereading your stuff and i just get so damn happy that i get jittery and big burst of energy. Like like idk lol

Like being attacked by cozy feelings and joy and kicking your feet under the covers kinda feeling (i wonder if this is how my guinea pig feels when she popcorns and jumps or when my dog does zoomies. I bet they're squeeing lol)

I think it's also cause I tend to have high energy and feel relatively intensely about lots of things (though it's more like JUST feeling though not affecting the actions as much lol- like squeeing but i can get up and do chores after??? Idk)

Anyway, LOVE YOUR STORIES

Super good and super awesome and i love them (again am hype on so much coffee and also from stories so combo whammy lol)

first of all! let it be known that I LOVE getting spammed, reblog and like and comment as much as your heart desires because it makes me SO happy, I love have my notifs blown up

second of all! THANK YOU SO MUCH

I keep like every nice comment I get, they give me the motivation to get through the day =w= I read all of yours especially, I think they're just so sweet and detailed and I love them... I think the first time you left a nice comment on one of my works I showed my friends because I got so excited

and thank you so so much about the comments on my characterization... I really enjoy getting to analyze and understand a character and then writing them with that in mind. I'm not perfect at it for all the twst characters just yet but my scope has definitely improved since I started here! it's kind of an exploratory process

I'd attribute my writing style to my background in poetry ^w^ I was formally trained as a poet until ~15 (tho I kept writing on my own) I'm unable to give every fic my all but I try to be a little creative with them at the very least! and the headcanons too

as for vil and rook... pomefiore has always been my fave dorm since snow white is my second favorite disney movie, I think about them all so much, I really relate to both epel and vil for various reasons too. my beloveds, really

ANYWAY. knowing that I'm doing something that makes people so happy is really the highlight of this, there's no better feeling than seeing someone go feral over my writing in the notes! truly the best part about creating art is seeing its emotional effect on people

this is the first x reader blog I've ever had (I made one like 2 years ago but was too shy to post so I deleted) and the experience I've had here so far has been so good. I used to be very scared of interacting w fandoms, being a naturally kinda scaredy person, but everyone here is so nice and talented?? it's the best I love it here

and feel free to ramble anytime! I love it

[stars-tonight]

HIII I LOVE UR MATCHUPS AND IS totally normal about them 🫶🏼

would love one too pls, and I’d like to be 🎏 anon!I’m a girl and I’d love a LONGGG romantic matchup with a guy please 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

A brief desc of what I look like: I’m 167 cm, I’ve got long brown hair w new bangs which I love. I have some semblance of siren eyes which unfortunately scare some ppl off ://

Personality: I’m the most versatile person I know, a true ambivert I believe. I love quiet time but also feed off of energy when I’m around people and is totally okay with just sitting in silence with my friends. I’m attentive to my people and my giving love language is gift-giving, acts of service and quality time. I’m very aware of a lot of things happening around me, especially myself. I notice things most don’t see like how my friends walk in different shoes (literally) or how they shift their body when they’re uncomfortable. But this awareness also makes me feel bad sometimes when I notice something’s up and I do nothing cause it gets so tiring, and then i feel guilty afterwards and think about what I should’ve done to help when literally no one had either.

I’m an ENFP and I’d love to be paired with a char of a suitable mbti. I’m confident, a little too much sometimes but mostly as a joke, about my looks and values in life. I also LOVEE deeptalks, depth in conversation is what i live for!!

I’m an artist and I love to draw and want to become an art director when I’m older cus I’m also a businesswoman at heart (gotta get that bag yk)

I’m also a huge fashion kid, as in whatever funky piece of clothing i see, i style and wear. I mix it up a lot so anything with squiggly fabric or ruffles and skirts as tops, you get the gist.

Ideal type:

I’m not super sure i can encapsulate a “type”, but I’m not into gruff types (like iwa I’m so sorry), a little mean yes but not gruff yk. I’d love someone with a sense of humor and one that can match my energy, both calm and otherwise. I need someone attentive towards me as much as i am to others. And someone wealthy please 😭😭, i love giving gifts to people and showering them with support and affection and sometimes i just feel like it’s one sided (apart from my family I receive gifts like i do others with only 3 friends :/). It might be a little selfish i know but i just need to feel loved like that i guess? And someone willing to ride all the scary rollercoasters with me (adrenaline junkie 🙋‍♀️)

Appearance-wise, I’m into more feminine faces, my max for masculine is like chris evans 😭, but i think all asian faces have a touch of femininity in them so i have practically no rejects in terms of characters. No facial hair tho, I’m super icked out by that, and body types are also versatile. My fav char is tsukki and he’s built like a pencil but i love bo’s body type too :))

Dream date: I’d actually really love a gym date since I don’t like exercise outside of the gym but I don’t have access to one rn so i need motivation 😭 like let me come over to urs. BUT I’D ALSO LOVE A DANCE DATE, not professionally but like dancing tgt to pop classics from the early 2000s is a dream 😍

I hope i got everything, sry if it’s long i love to ramble 😭😭, looking forward to a reply, thanks so much 🫶🏼🫶🏼

headcanons

🥛 so suga's mbti is infj which is apparently compatible with enfp's

🥛 suga's also an ambivert; he has a lot of energy around his friends (and his students post-timeskip) and likes to do stuff with them but also just needs time to wind down and relax

🥛 he's a very good friend and would definitely pay attention to everyone's habits

🥛 he notices when you're not feeling good (physically or mentally) and always takes very good care of you

🥛 lowkey babies you a bit (especially post-timeskip) because he works with seven year olds

🥛 suga is a bit of a jokester but is also solemn when he needs to be and could definitely hold a serious conversation

🥛 he loves seeing your drawings! he just enjoys seeing other people's creativity and work in general

🥛 he's also super supportive of your dream

🥛 i don't think any of the hq characters are extremely wealthy post-timeskip (save for yaku and maybe lev) but suga wouldn't hesitate to get you gifts

🥛 although i feel like he'd prefer to make little presents for his partners because he thinks it can be so much more personal

🥛 but yeah he wouldn't hesitate to spoil you at all

🥛 he'd be a very attentive partner and would treat you very often

🥛 he'd definitely be a restaurant date kind of guy, but he also likes more fun and casual outings

🥛 as long as he's with you, he's happy with pretty much anything

🥛 although i doubt he goes to the gym very much, especially post-timeskip

🥛 his job is more mentally demanding than physically demanding 😭 so it's not necessary for him to be jacked

🥛 and more often than not when he comes home after a long day with little kids he's too exhausted to exercise

🥛 not opposed to walks or light jogs on the weekends though

🥛 also he probably goes to the gym with daichi every now and then to hang out (bc daichi definitely has to keep in shape with his job)

🥛 but he'd be more motivated to go with you so you can both laugh at each other's form and struggle together

🥛 probably treats you to ice cream or boba after though which lowkey destroys the point of going to the gym

🥛 suga has some mean dance moves and nobody knows it because he's never had the chance to show them off before

🥛 but he'd go all out at a little dance / karaoke party with you

🥛 imagine suga break dancing on the floor 😭

🥛 i don't imagine suga to be the insecure or easily embarrassed type so he's perfect for being a little wild with

runner up for you was akaashi keiji!

A/N: hi 🎏anon! thank you for your request, i hope you liked your matchup!

[istillhaveyourlighter]

Some blips from a document I wrote in 2018 about derealization before I knew what it was, not well written so bear with me here, just wanted to share.

“Pigeon”

I watched painfully from the back of my mind towards the others as the garbled meaningless words at me. It didn’t matter if I was genuinely listening or not, they weren’t talking to me anyways. I buried my head in my knees then to feel hands on shoulders, as if I was feeling someone’s grip on an object. “Are you okay?” asks a faint voice, just barely getting through my rattling skull. “Yup yup.” was all I heard, I knew that I was the one saying the words and yet it wasn’t me, it was the shell. Suddenly, as another gust of wind hit me, I was back in my body as if nothing had happened.

-

I just wanted to sit down but I will never seem to be in the right place when this happens. I watched patiently as I scanned the room, I wondered if I looked that lively right now, I certainly don’t feel it. As I detached, I started to slowly sink...sink upwards, like a floating up into nothingness. My short feeling of numbness slowly came to a close as another blast to the head from my headache closed in, I was back to see the backs of my eyes and then again I sank back into my body as I had once before.

-

I crumple onto the floor as my hand press into my head as if I was an empty beer can in the grip of a drunk and angry redneck in the woods. Things start to blur and as I look up through the ocean into the sky I see people standing and waiting quietly, I stood and brushed off my jacket..

-

Nothing felt real, I felt as if everything happening was a little girls barbie doll game. Mayhaps a game I’ll never see the happy ending of

-

I wish I could cry...am I going crazy? What’s going on? Do other people experience this? Then I was fully back, and fully exhausted...like all my time in space had sucked away all my energy.

-

we sat in free period by a real tree stuck in fake grass, almost disgusts me. Eventually I had enough and stood up and walked away, I genuinely wanted some time to stand in the breeze and not have to deal with any emotions but my own, and any words but the ones heard off in the distance that mattered nothing to me. I understand how the others feel when they leave, it’s nice to get away for awhile. They let me go but eventually I was pestered to the point where I started to return “We were worried!” Clearly the didn’t hear me when I told them I’d be back, that usually means I’m fine but who’d listen to me? The answer is no one, no one hears me. I scream constantly but it bounces back against the mirrors of my anxiety surrounding me constantly. Was I ever even talking to begin with? The walk was nice despite how exhausted I was, I just couldn’t listen to another word of anything.

-

As soon as we got home I went to my room and curled up and just laid there and stared at the ceiling, finally away from all of it.

-

I don’t have the motivation to shower, or really do anything but lay here. I know I should be sleeping but too much is on my mind.

-

Sometimes as I walk through the crowded halls I see myself from afar and really do wonder who am I? The tunnel vision blurs my view of reality, not my view of the path in front of me. This was never physical, I soon come to realize that I’ve returned, back on earth at last. Words go in one ear and out the other as I just try to regain my sanity.

-

I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror, the person I am isn’t me and there’s no way to change this no matter how hard I try. So let me pretend to be okay for as long as I can, and when I finally snap...let me break and shatter. The rubberband holding me together will soon fall apart and everything will come crashing down.

-

next time you tell me you love me, remember it passes straight through because no one was ever there. I am a living lie and nothing will change that.

how can i help other people when i don’t even know how to help myself?

-

Everything felt like it was overlapped with one of those filters that makes everything look like it's lagging and blurry and the people don’t move but just add more on to where they already were, time felt like it was stuck in jello and I could only watch as everything slowed. It stayed this way most of the night, only to lighten up with the breeze.

-

anxiety was breaking through me more than I thought it ever could. I feel like I can control myself fairly well considering what’s going on most of the time, but tonight was different. People saw it as it flowed through cracks in my mind that it was flowing out of. I was dizzy, and lightheaded, and I wanted to cry...but I couldn’t, not here, I couldn’t ruin this for anyone else.

-

I want to experience things for what they are and not just bits and pieces of what could have been.

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Rivals - 1

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring

Characters: Hokuto, Chiaki, Tori

Proofreading: 310mc (JP) & Peace (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Hokuto: His very existence is evil! My source of stress! Ahh, the peaceful daily life I’d devoted my entire life to building is falling apart!

Location: Empty Classroom

Time: Months later, during winter. A couple of days after Daikagura, on the day Hidaka Seiya makes a visit to Yumenosaki Academy as an interim lecturer.

Hokuto: I just don’t understand!

What the hell is wrong with him!? Somebody, anybody, tell me! Can you see any motive behind my father’s actions besides harassing me!?

Chiaki: Now, now. Don’t blow a fuse, Hidaka. It isn’t like you.

Well, working with you as Rain-bows, I already know that you’re not the unfeeling guy you look like.

But you’re jumping to conclusions too soon! I know just the thing: let’s take deep breaths! Oxygen is our life’s energy…☆

Tori: Yoohoo~♪

Pfft, guess what I heard, Hidaka-senpai! Your Super Idol dad came to school!

You must’ve caused a scene, huh~? I could hear your screams all the way from my classroom ♪

Hokuto: Himemiya… That’s right, it’s really killing me. What should I do? What am I supposed to do?

Tori: W-Whoa, don’t come clinging to me… I was gonna tease you about it, but you’re really sucking the fun out of this. Sheesh, get a hold of yourself, okay?

It’s not like your dad… Seiya-san, was it? It’s not like he came with some evil plan.

Hokuto: His very existence is evil! My source of stress! Ahh, the peaceful daily life I’d devoted my entire life to building is falling apart!

Tori: Ahaha. From my perspective, I don’t think any of you in Trickstar were ever having “peaceful daily lives” in the first place.

What’s another bit of trouble on top of all the others you already have?

Chiaki: Yeah, I think the same, but it does bother me a little… What did Hidaka Seiya come to this academy for, really?

Tori: To teach, obviously? He didn’t teach us first years, so I don’t know much about it… What was his lecture about?

Hokuto: No, he didn't lecture us… He only came for a greeting today.

After introducing himself and harassing me, he made us fill out some kind of questionnaire.

Tori: Questionnaire?

Hokuto: Yeah, he said he wanted to know how we think and what we’re worth to start with.

There were columns asking about our work history and skills like in a normal resume, but most of it were enigmatic questions resembling a personality quiz.

He said we’ll be having a practical test next. So far he feels more like an examiner than a teacher.

Chiaki: Hmm…? Maybe Hidaka Seiya is about to start some job, and came here to acquire the human resources he needs for it…?

In that case, it makes sense that he’d do tests that gauge our abilities.

Tori: So to scout young idols? But if that’s all he wants, isn’t that method strangely roundabout?

What’s the good of coming here yourself, when you can learn an idol’s talent to an extent just with a little research?

Chiaki: Yeah, but you need to come in direct contact with people to understand the real value of their talent. Numbers on paper rarely hold much weight… that’s what I believe.

But I agree, it’s hard to think someone of Hidaka Seiya’s prestige would act based on such a humble reason.

If he’s looking for work partners, all he needs to do is wish and everyone around him would flock together, lifting themselves up for him — Like they’re making offerings to their king.

But the fact is, he came to Yumenosaki Academy in the middle of his impossibly packed schedule. For what sake?

Hokuto: It’s because I can’t figure it out that I’m so confused and anxious…

Sorry, Morisawa-senpai, Himemiya. I know it’s Rain-bows’s first meeting of the new year, but I don’t think I can be very useful in this mental state.

Chiaki: Heheh, don’t be; we understand the situation.

Rest easy, when somebody’s down, the rest of us need only to hold them up. This goes for both Ryuseitai and Rain-bows.

First, let’s find the solution to this Hidaka Seiya problem together. We can’t do much until our leader, Sagami-sensei, comes anyway. It’ll be a good way to kill time.

Tori: …Is Sagami-sensei late again? Doesn’t he lack a little too much motivation?

Hokuto: No, he seems enthusiastic… compared to how he used to be. The reason he’s late today seems to be because there’s an emergency faculty meeting.

You guys know that he’s my homeroom teacher, right? That’s how I heard about it this morning.

…From the timing, I bet they’re discussing how to chase away my father.

Chiaki: No, no, I don’t think they’ll chase him away. Hidaka Seiya is a Super Idol and Yumenosaki graduate. He’s the pride of our school.

They might welcome him, but they’d never dare to get rid of him.

Tori: Oh, he’s an alumnus? Then Hidaka-senpai, did you enroll in Yumenosaki to mimic your dad?

Hokuto: I wasn’t mimicking him… But it’s true that my parent’s recommendation played a part, and that I applied thinking to trace the path they took.

Chiaki: Hmm. Well, I’m sure Sagami-sensei will tell us what he can about the faculty meeting—

But it’s probably just a discussion about the various things that come with welcoming in a new semester.

Plus, Yumenosaki is at an advantage thanks to your unit’s victory in SS, so there are more things they can do now…

The faculty and the management must be brimming with new ambitions to talk about!

Hokuto: Hmph. Good. I’ve always wanted the academy to do their job properly, with how passive they’ve been up till now.

Tori: Mmn~ But that’s what’s allowed Prez—the whole Student Council to be able to do as we please…

I kinda have complex feelings about the executives getting more involved, honestly…

Just the thought of them butting into our affairs from their high horses after all this time gets on my nerves… Prez and Vice-Prez are gonna be graduating too, which means a change of leadership.

I’m not convinced about Isara-senpai being the new president yet. Will he really protect the Student Council’s authority?

Hokuto: Isara will be fine. At the very least, he’ll never work in a direction that’ll make us miserable.

Chiaki: I agree. Isara has a broad perspective and the ability to see the big picture, allowing him to make the right moves when he needs to; I’m sure he’ll be a great leader for the Student Council.

When it seems like he’s having a hard time, you guys just have to support him.

The future is bright. These recent days have especially made me believe it without a shred of doubt!

✦✦✦✦✦

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[ineedthekitohappiness]

Lil Mental Health Tips That Work for me.

- Make future goals, not ones like “be a millionaire” but ones you know you can achieve. Make a bracelet or a letter or something you can give in person for an online friend you hope to meet irl one day or for an irl friend and decide to give it to them at a later date, that way you can have a little reason to live, because you have to give them their gift at that date or when you meet them and you can’t die now, you have a gift for them. - Ask yourself if you would treat a child or a friend the way you are treating yourself, would you starve your friend or your child? And furthermore, if you had a starving child you’d work with them on being able to eat, right? Until you can find value in yourself and the things you do imagine you’re doing those things for others. You’re cleaning your friends room, you’re helping your mentally ill child show because they can’t find the energy to do it themself.  - Write down nice things people say to you. Anything anyone said or did for you that made you happy write it down, not in a way of “look how fortunate I am” but as a reminder of the fact that you do have value, and sometimes our friends remind us of things we sometimes forget. Even if you don’t get many compliments if you write them down they’ll end up wracking up. - If you have trouble keeping your room clean, find some part that you can clean without much trouble(trouble for you, not what you feel shouldn’t be hard, something that is easy for you because we all have different standards and views on what is and isn’t hard) For me, I’ve learned to make my bed whenever I can. Even if the rest of my room is a mess, at least I can feel like I accomplished something, and sometimes after making my bed I find the motivation to clean something else as well. - For my ADHD buddies, body doubling is a godsend. Even if it’s some random online friend in a vc where you’re both muted it is a huge help for motivation purposes, as long as it’s someone who you won’t get too distracted talking to and end up talking to them instead of working. - Do you have assignments due in different classes? Do some of an assignment in one class and when you need a break move onto a class you can and want to do, then move back to the assignment you were working on with a clean fresh slate. Take breaks to walk around or breathe for a moment w/o work when needed, but make sure not to spiral. If you are working on Class A and get it half done and then you get tired and work on Class B and get it half done then you have gotten 2 halves of 2 assignments done, and all that’s left is 2 more halves, you have proof you can start and at least for me that’s immensely important. 

[beggingwolf]

hi i am struggling w my college finals rn (so goddamn stressful i hate school!) but am also feeling very inspired to write a sidgeno fic that i started abt a year ago and never finished. my only issue (other than the fact that writing = not studying) is that in my outline, the fic is going to end up being like. 70k words. which is super daunting to me because the longest finished piece i’ve ever written is only like 10k! how do you not get overwhelmed by longer pieces because i am so daunted by the magnitude of my own potential writing.

okay first of all: I'm so sorry you're struggling with finals right now and that school is stressing you out! it might sound paltry but this time will fly by and sooner than you'll realize, college will be over and you'll be free. coming from someone who had a very negative college experience: it will end sooner than you expect! you will make it!

secondly: congrats on your fic! it's not done, but you've begun work, and that's huuuuuge. I relate a lot to your woes and I frequently psych myself out when working on projects if I let them balloon and grow too ambitious, too big.

I find this most often happens when I start believing my skills aren't up to the standard of my imaginary story. and that's the thing: until you've put words on paper, your story doesn't exist. whatever you have up in your head, that is NOT the story. it's something else.

this was a concept introduced to me by an author I really love, maggie stiefvater. your job as an author is not to think up the most wonderful story in the world. your job is the difficult, enriching work of translating [whatever is going on in your head] into [words on a page]. THAT is what writing is. when you get scared of big projects, it's because you're afraid the [words on a page] will not "live up" to [whatever is going on in your head].

that's a trick you're playing on yourself. [whatever is going on in your head] is not what you are chasing. you are chasing [words on a page]. other people cannot read [whatever is going on in your head]. and, in a lot of ways, [whatever is going on in your head] isn't even going to be as good as [words on a page]. what's in your head is incomplete. it's not a story. it's an idealized, half-baked, "perfect" version of what you WANT to create.

it's not what you're aiming for. remember that! your potential writing, as you put it, is the perfect impossible goal to scare you off from writing. if you look at it as terms of potential, it'll be infinite and scary.

lose the focus on that. put words on a page. even if they suck, they will be a million times more real and impactful and working-towards-something than [whatever is going on in your head].

I know I really enjoyed finding projects to do during finals because it gave me FABULOUS motivation to get shit done [shit that WASN'T my finals, haha]. I actually completed one of the projects I'm most proud of ever during finals. THAT feeling, of finishing something, of having momentum carrying you through to the finish line, is what you're really after, I think. don't let your finals fall by the wayside, but I can relate.

if you're able, harness some leftover energy and don't think about potential wordcount.

just think about the words. AFTER you've put them on the page. the first draft is supposed to be garbage anyways.

and a bad draft is always, always, always going to be so much better, so much more satisfying, than the longing thoughts of the "perfect" fic you will never write. get it on paper. it's always, always better. I promise!

[griaustinis]

I posted 1,092 times in 2022

55 posts created (5%)

1,037 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@the-pink-mug-introvert

@bunnybearsworld

@virtuesignals

@jean-aaa

I tagged 422 of my posts in 2022

#esc 2022 - 74 posts

#griaustinis in the tags - 71 posts

#griaustinis.post - 59 posts

#lgbt+ - 39 posts

#griaustinis.reply - 34 posts

#art - 23 posts

#eurovision - 22 posts

#eurovision 2022 - 19 posts

#ace - 16 posts

#pretty - 13 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#is this tweet *actually* about how we keep doing shit that's actually not good for us just for a sense of fake satisfaction for completing?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

getting into a relationship has been so weird. bc i thought it will be easy to know if i like them but it's not.

every time i had a crush prior, i would always try to forget them by thinking about the things i don't like about them, their flaws, etc. so now I've trained myself to try to push the thought of 'maybe i like them' away, sometimes before it even happens. it's a self defence mechanism, so i don't get hurt when they don't like me back.

so now i'm focusing on everything i don't like about him and why i shouldn't like them. and i'm not letting myself to fall in love with them, like i always did w crushes.

another thing is being afraid of sharing my thoughts and feelings about someone. especially to them. so when they outwardly says on one of our first dates that he likes me,, it feels like a trick or a trap. like, how can you know so fast,, you don't know me yet, how do you know what you're feeling already. because i can't do all those things. what if they just want to use me? what if they are a narcissist and a manipulator? and i'm just falling on their hook eventhough i feel anxious about it.. why do i feel like there has to be an alterior motive to liking me? am i pushing them away bc anyone who shows an interest in me must be deceiving me?

and if they're honest about what they're feeling, how can i with an clear conscience accept their love if i don't have my own heart figured out? i don't want to hurt them.

also, none of it feels like i thought it would. kissing is not some magical moment, especially when you don't know how. i don't want to jump into bed w them right away, maybe i don't even know what sexual attraction towards a real human being feels like.

...

i sat many nights with those thoughts and the conclusion i've come to is this. so what if you turns out don't really love them, so what if they turn out to be a bad person, so what if it doesn't end w sunshine and roses. don't think about what will happen. don't think about how or how soon it will end. live today. it doesn't matter that much if you love them, what matters more is that it feels good to be with them. and that's enough. it's enough to enjoy the good parts. you don't have to figure yourself put completely. i want to spend time with them and that's enough for now.

22 notes - Posted April 14, 2022

#4

i can't believe y'all let "instead of meat i eat veggies and pussy" to not get into eurovision final. shame

25 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

#3

countries from first semi that i wanted to go to final but didn't qualify:

Latvia - come on! "Instead of meat I eat veggies and pussy"?!?! are we all here not queer and have we not all been on the wlw side of tiktok when this was micro-viral? where were you when the voting was happening? MAKE EUROVISION MEMEABLE AGAIN

Slovenia - (disko) VIBES. i knew this probably wasn't gonna qualify but i still wanted it to. it's so sweet! just good energy and vibes.

The countries that qualified but I wish Latvia and Slovenia would've taked their place:

Armenia - it's just not doing for me what it should. It's a little basic and cliche.

Iceland - it's vibey, it's nice but maybe it's a little too bland? idk. i just like my favs more.

Greece - it was pretty good while it was happening but it left no lasting effect. don't remember how it sounds. listen, i love calm songs (very different from ballads) but this year were having a little too many and some are less good than others.

Switzerland - I love the message hut maybe it could've been done in any other way than the generic "ballad-y eurovision (issue) song". it's just not something new or interesting enough for me to excuse it's basicness.

that being said, as with every eurovision, i love everyone.

33 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

#2

not enough people talking about denmark (reddi - the show). just a bunch of queer women playing fun rock ❤️ (idk if they're queer but that's the vibes). i liked the genre change in the beginning, the costumes, the song is fun. i'd exchange them to armenia or switzerland anytime.

35 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

funny how when i was eleven i thought i had, like, superpower hearing because i could hear things others couldn't (ex. what two people at the end of an empty hallway are talking) but then i understood that i can't hear shit when it's the person sitting next to me in class saying something or when we are in the loud corridors or the cafeteria during the break.

48 notes - Posted June 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[winter-soldier-vibes]

hi! request for one where reader struggles w depression a lot but hides it, tho it’s been getting worse recently and only bucky has noticed the small signs. then one night after no one seeing her the whole day or maybe something happened he went to check on her but she wasn’t in her room and he panics only to find her on the roof and just talks her down <3 all the love

Of course! I hope you're okay love❤❤❤. I saw another anon request something a lil similar in my ask box but I can't find it, maybe it got eaten, but I hope you like this!

Word count: 3,400 (ish)

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, depression, close to an attempt, Bucky talks about HYDRA, feelings of worthlessness.

A/N: This deals with very heavy subject matter, please do not read if you are in a dark place. I am here to talk if you want but I encourage you that if you feel this way in ANY way, no matter how severe, to reach out to someone. I also just wanted to say that the way someone talks someone down is never the same, some people may find a different approach more helpful or realistic. I wrote it this way because this is what I feel in my experience would have been helpful to hear. So please, if you don’t think it’s the way someone should talk someone down - please don’t come at me for it.

Overnight

People often don’t notice the small signs. The smiles that don’t reach the eyes, the dark circles from lack of sleep, the laughs that slowly become more forced. People don’t often pick up on those things right away. They happen slowly, as depression will often manifest. It’s rarely ever a flip of a switch shut down, happy one day and sad the net. Anxiety was like that, small things can trigger panic attacks. But with depression, it was this slow ache that grew in your chest, this dull cloud that made everything darker day by day.

These things rarely happen overnight.

You don’t know what caused this episode. You had struggled with depression and would go through some really low episodes before returning to baseline. It was never great, but it was...manageable. Most of the time. Some things could help you predict when you would go into another episode but you felt yourself slipping and you weren’t quite sure why.

You started withdrawing from the team. Subtly, not all at once. That would cause too much concern and the last thing you wanted was to be a burden. Especially with something like this, you didn’t even have an explanation.

It started slow, training on your own, missing team dinners, that sort of thing. If they were going out to celebrate or staying in for a movie you would slip away to your room where you didn’t have to worry about hiding it.

You didn’t want to be alone, you already felt so goddamn lonely. But somehow being lonely and surrounded by people who loved you hurt more.

The team chalked it up to you wanting to be alone, a bad day, being tired, etc. Whatever recycled excuse you gave them didn’t phase them. At least, not at first.

See, people who have experienced similar things will pick up in the small signs that others show. Someone who knows what anxiety is like will often be the first to pick up on nervous habits and tics. Often people notice when someone’s energy is coming from adrenaline and caffeine rather than sleep when they’ve done the same thing. Someone who knows what it’s like to feel hopeless and not want to reach out - they notice the small signs of withdrawing.

He noticed pretty early on the change in your demeanor. You had always been one to keep to yourself but this was different. You always seemed exhausted in a way that sleep couldn’t ever fix. Your laugh wasn’t quite the way it used to be, now forced and short, not the usual bubbly laugh it was.

Most people are able to just live and go about daily functions - eating, sleeping - it just came naturally to them. Surviving was natural to them. But it seemed like you had to put thought and effort into surviving.

Which, you were.

Slowly it became hard to motivate yourself to do the basic things to take care of yourself. You would do the bare minimum because you had to, but even that was starting to take more effort than it should. You were eating less because you just weren’t that hungry, but you still did because you knew if you didn’t you’d get sick eventually. You spent as much time in your bed as possible, but not much of it was sleeping.

Bucky picked up on these things and came up to talk to you about them, but you’d smile and shake your head.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired I guess.”

You weren’t lying, you were tired - emotionally more than physically.

Tired of more than what the day brought - tired of yourself, of your emotions. Tired of the way you felt so out of touch with yourself, out of control. Tired of how you wanted to get better but no matter what you did, it still came back. You were so tired of being exhausted all the time and there was nothing you could do about it.

You were tired of living this way.

You weren’t necessarily suicidal, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to live. You just didn’t want to live this life, not like this. You were so utterly exhausted day in and day out, every day was about getting to the end of it. Everything seemed pointless and you felt like you were watching life go by but you weren’t living it.

You were surviving. And you didn’t see much of a point to it anymore.

Your mask was cracking. And people were noticing.

Maybe it was when you were falling asleep during mission briefings, or nearly passing out in training because you had forgotten to eat. Maybe it was how no one saw you anywhere that wasn’t necessary. The team passed it off as a bad day or week, something you would get over because you were strong.

But apparently not the strong that you needed to be. You could fight off agents, assassins, you could run for miles. But you couldn’t stop your mind from telling you that life was pointless and you were a waste of space. But the team wrote it off as a bad week. But Bucky knew that this had been going on for much longer than a week.

These things rarely happen overnight.

Too many people were asking you if you were okay, and you weren’t, but you didn’t know how to say it. But you thought that if you had to choke out one more “I’m fine,” you would shatter. And you weren’t ready for everyone to see that.

You stopped coming out of your room unless it was for the bare necessities. You would come out at night for water and food, picking at it in your room so that no one would see you.

But that only made Bucky worry more.

The team, again, wrote it off as you needing some “Alone time” because maybe you just had a “bad day”. Of course they worried about you but they thought that if things were bad, or if there was something you needed help with, you would speak up. Because that’s what you did.

But Bucky was worried. He knew that when someone pushes people away, they may think being alone will help, but it only makes it worse. You may not want to talk to anyone, you may think being alone is what’s best. But it rarely is.

Being alone makes it harder to fight your demons. They can run rampant when given the chance. Being alone is the darkest and loneliest hell, and he knew that all too well.

He wasn’t going to leave you alone in that.

He came up to your room one night, wanting to check on you. He knocked on your door, being met with silence. He knocked again, calling your name, but was again met with silence. He tried the doorknob and found it unlocked, opening the door to an empty room.

Where the hell were you?

You weren’t anywhere else in the tower, so where were you?

Bucky stood there for a moment, confused before he remembered the AI system. “F.R.I.D.A.Y.Where's y/n?”

“I believe that they were heading up to the rooftop about a half-hour ago.”

Bucky’s eyes widened as he sprinted out the hallway and towards the stairs.

---

You looked out over the street, arms crossed over your shivering body. For now, you just looked down at the city below. You chuckled bitterly to yourself. There must have been thousands of people down there, thousands of lives, and you wondered how many people felt the way you did right now. So much hustle and bustle, things to do and places to be. You didn’t know a single person down there, it was just a blur of movement. Yet they all had their own personal stories and hells and blessings and shit that made them who they were.

You wondered how many of them pretended like they were fine.

You were standing closer to the edge than you should’ve been. You weren’t doing yourself any favors. You really shouldn’t be up here, but you didn’t know what else to do. Everything hurt all the time and it was just getting worse. You didn’t know whether or not you were gonna jump but here you were, teetering on the edge. Because no matter how much this hurt you still couldn’t bring yourself to fall forward.

You were scared.

You felt tears sting your eyes, angry, exhausted, everything - you couldn’t do anything right anymore, you felt no purpose, you were tired and scared all of the time. You felt so utterly done with everything, yet here you were with a way out and you were too scared of that too.

You were trapped in your body, trapped in your life, and while you didn’t want to die, you didn’t want it to hurt anymore. It wasn’t that you had nothing to live for. It wasn’t that you had nothing left. You knew you did, you knew the team was there for you. You had more support than you could ever need. But you didn’t know how to use them.

You didn’t even know how this happened. How did things get this bad? You remembered when you were happy, the person you used to be. The person everyone still seemed to think you were. Where did they go? What happened to them? And would you ever be able to be that person again?

Did it even matter? Would anyone even care or notice? They did a great job at ignoring what had been happening. Not that you wanted them to find out in the first place. It was so confusing, you wanted to scream for help, you wanted someone to just fucking notice or something. But didn’t you also answer every single “Are you okay?” with "Oh yeah I’m fine, just a little tired.”

So did you truly want them to know? Did you actually want them to notice or help?

You closed your eyes tightly, shaking your head a little to yourself. It was all so confusing, so frustrating. You didn’t know what to do. You felt completely trapped within yourself.

These things rarely happen overnight. And they never get better overnight either.

You took a breath as you looked down, toes slightly off of the ledge. One step or losing your balance would be all it would take. And then it would be over. Forever. It wouldn’t hurt anymore.

“Y/n?” you heard a calm, albeit nervous voice speak from behind you.

You felt your breath catch in your throat. As you squeezed your eyes shut. “No,” you whispered to yourself.

“Y/n, can you come down from there?”

“Why are you here?” you asked, voice strained with pain.

“Because I’m worried about you,” he said, voice sounding closer.

“I don’t want you to be worried about me! I never wanted anyone to worry about me!” you exclaimed.

“And where did not talking about what was bothering you get you?”

“No one would ever have to worry about me again. Not anymore.”

“No one on the team would ever be able to stop thinking about you,” Bucky started, walking closer to you. He spoke gently, worried he would scare you or you would suddenly jump off. “About how we should’ve worried about you. Everyone would blame themselves and ask themselves if they could’ve helped you if they had seen you were hurting.”

You heard his footsteps stop.

“This isn’t going to solve anything.”

You took a shaky breath. “What else am I supposed to do, huh?” you turned around, back facing the streets below as Bucky stood a few feet in front of you. “Pretend like this is gonna get better? Because it isn’t. I’m so sick and tired of pretending like one day everything’s gonna be okay again. It never stops hurting, it never turns off, and I can’t do it anymore!” you yelled, tears streaming down your face. You shook your head. “I know this won’t solve jack shit and it probably makes me weak, but I’m okay with that. Because I’m past the point of wanting to solve anything. I just want it to stop! Is that too much to ask?!”

“It is if your life is the price!” Bucky exclaimed. “We can’t lose you. You’re a part of this team - this family,” he said a little more calmly, trying to keep his own tears at bay. No one should go through feeling so hopeless, and you were one of the kindest people he knew.

But some of the most kind-hearted people are the meanest people to themselves.

“I’m not here to judge you or try to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I’m not gonna tell you life is all beauty and grace because it isn’t. It’s okay to be in pain but this is not the way to fix it. I just wanna help you.”

You shook your head. “No one can help me.”

“At least let me try,” he said gently.

“You don’t understand okay? It never stops hurting,” you said, voice cracking slightly. “It always hurts and it's this ache in my chest and I feel like I’m suffocating. No one told me that life was going to hurt, no one fucking told me! They say life isn’t fair, or that life may sometimes bring you down, but they never said that existing would be torture. And I don’t want to keep living if it’s going to hurt this much.”

You saw Bucky’s face fall and you shook your head. “Please just go - You weren’t supposed to see this.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’d rather see you at your worst than not see you at all,” he said. “You don’t have to do this yourself. I know it may seem like you do but you don’t. You never had to, and you never will have to. You have me, us, the team - we’re all here for you but we can’t if you don’t let us. But I’m not leaving you. You’ve been alone for too long already.”

You felt a new lump in your throat, feeling overwhelmed. Trapped between death and your worst nightmare. You never wanted to be vulnerable, you never wanted to hurt anyone with your own pain. But hearing Bucky’s words, seeing the panic in his eyes -

You had already hurt him. And he was right - killing yourself was only going to hurt the team more.

But it just hurt so much.

You had heard it so many times - “think about the impact you’ll have on those you love”, or how “suicide is selfish” and shit - made you feel like a horrible person. Because you did care about everyone, you cared too much. And it wasn’t that you didn’t care about hurting them with your decision - it was just that the pain of staying alive began outweighing the fear of hurting those you loved.

And it was torture.

You wanted to say everything that was on your mind - scream and cry and curse the universe, you wanted to break something, you wanted to be hugged, held, and told it would be okay - you wanted to get everything out.

You didn’t want to be alone anymore.

You’ve been alone for too long already.

You let out a broken sob, knees going weak as Bucky caught you and pulled you into his chest, away from the edge.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” you said between sobs.

“I know you don’t, I know,” Bucky said, holding you tightly as if he feared you would disappear if he let you go.

Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt me was utter bullshit. Because the next words that came out of your mouth hurt Bucky more than anything HYDRA had done to him.

“Please just let me die. Why won’t you let me die? I just wanna die, please just let this be over.”

People didn’t realize what depression could do to a person. Someone who was full of life could end up like this. You don’t know what went wrong or when it happened, but you just felt absolutely broken inside. The kind of broken that can’t be fixed.

Bucky felt his heart shatter, tears falling down his own cheeks at how hopeless you had sounded. He had never been overly close with you, but you were always kind to everyone on the team. And the team had failed you by not noticing sooner.

“I’m gonna bring you inside okay?” Bucky said. You didn’t hear him, crying so hard that you couldn’t focus on anything else. He picked you up, carrying you back into the tower. Bucky brought you back to your room, sitting down on your bed with you. He rubbed a hand up and down your back, holding you tightly as he tried to help you calm down.

Exhaustion overtook you, your body becoming worn out from all of the crying and emotions. You never let your guard down like that in front of anyone, and shame began to overtake you.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have seen that I’m so so sorry -”

“Don’t,” he started. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“No one was supposed to know,” you whispered.

“Why not? What’s so bad about asking for help?”

You paused for a moment, unsure exactly why. “I don’t know - I just feel really weak sometimes?” you said, more of a question to yourself. “Like I know everyone needs help and shit but I didn’t have a reason to need it. It hurts but I don’t know why, I cry when I’m not sad, I just - I’m not in control of myself and I don’t know why and if I can’t explain it to myself then how am I supposed to talk to anyone about it?”

“That makes more sense than you think. All of us on the team, we all go through shit. We see so many horrible things, we’ve been through so many things. We all have something. You have this. It’s okay if you don’t know why you feel the way you do but hurting yourself isn’t going to help anything.”

“I know what it’s like, wanting a way out,” Bucky said and you immediately knew what he was talking about. “Days that I wished Pierce or Rumlolw or whoever would just finish me rather than punish me over and over. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just wanted it to stop.”

You looked at him. “I know. But what I didn’t know then was that it would end. I never thought it could ever end or that it would ever end, but it did. And if I had died back then I would’ve died only knowing that pain. I wouldn’t have known that it could get better or that it would. And I’m not saying everything is perfect now because it’s not. But it’s better than it was. Okay?”

You nodded, fresh tears spilling out of your eyes. You knew the torture that Bucky went through, everyone on the team did. It had taken him a long time to speak about it on his own and move through it. But he did.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” you said.

“Talking about it, getting it out is a great start. Talking about it never hurt anyone.” When you seemed a little apprehensive, Bucky added, “I felt alone for so long. Battling these thoughts and memories in my head. They never stopped. But when I started talking about it with someone, and they helped me work through it - I don’t know. It helped me a lot. It wasn’t just me and my thoughts anymore. I wasn’t alone.”

I wasn’t alone

“You don’t have to be alone anymore. I’m not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not I’m gonna be right here with you

These things rarely get better overnight. But maybe with someone else, they could get better a little bit quicker.

You gave a small nod. “Okay.”

---

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[silverflame2724]

Accidental Martial God WWX

That was exacty what I meant actually but I do have a few more povs if you want.

LQRs reaction to a demonic cultivator ascending, JGS and JGY reaction to the Yin Tiger Tally moving completely out of reach, WQ pondering the true requirements for ascension given WWX doesn't have a golden core yet ascended, WWX musing on Godhood and on his new followers both the good and the more disturbing worshipers.

Maybe LWJ protects the Wen Remnants because WWX asked him to in a dream and after he succeeds (13 years later) he ascends and is finally reunited with WWX.

Lan Qiren did not know what to think. Wei Wuxian, his most troublesome student, a demonic cultivator, had ascended. He’d ascended. How was that even possible? Were the Heavens blind? Why would they allow someone like Wei Wuxian to ascend?

From what Lan Qiren had thought, only those who are righteous and followed the correct path in life like the Lan clan’s founder, Lan An, would be worthy of ascending.

Either the qualifications for ascension were lower than he thought or Lan Qiren had been horribly mistaken about Wei Wuxian’s personality and motivations for using demonic cultivation. That last thought made Lan Qiren feel very uncomfortable.

He’d always been harsh on the boy and disregarded him, even - he ashamedly admitted - punishing him harsher and more frequently than others.

He’d thought he was in the right because of how Wei Wuxian was but…..

But if he was wrong then Lan Qiren owed him an apology.

………………….

Jin Guangshan wanted to scream out in frustration seeing Wei Wuxian ascend. That brat had the Stygian Tiger Seal on him - according to his spies - and now that he ascended, the Seal went with him.

He had had so many plans on bribing Wei Wuxian to his side or killing him when he refused - as well as stealing the Seal - and then taking over the cultivation world, lording over it as he was always meant to be.

Now those plans are ruined. He sighed. Hopefully that bastard son of his can finally prove his usefulness and give him countermeasures or he might retract his favor from him.

……………………

Jin Guangyao’s first thought upon seeing Wei Wuxian ascend was: Oh shit. I have to go make up new plans to help Father.

He knew his father wanted Wei Wuxian and the Seal and didn’t really care how he obtained both or either, just as long as no one traced it back to him. He sighed. This was going to be a big headache. But at least the plans on putting his father as Chief Cultivator were going smoothly. He could only imagine what his father would do to him if even this failed.

..............................

Wen Qing had still been in Yiling, making plans to relocate her family, when the news that Wei Wuxian had ascended had reached her.

Her first reaction was, That’s impossible.

Because it was, right? Wen Qing should know. She cut out his core, after all. But to think he was still able to ascend while he was a demonic cultivator made her wonder what the requirements were for ascending. Perhaps it’s an honest heart? Self-sacrificing tendencies? Or is it a sacrifice of some sorts? She paused. What if.....it was a trial? To test a person’s will? What Wei Wuxian had suffered was.....horrible. Could it have all been just a test from the Heavens?

If that was so, the Heavens really are cru--- 

“A’ Jie, we have to go! Some Jin were spotted nearby!”

Wen Qing gritted her teeth. Members of the branch families of Qishan, regardless of whether they were innocent or not, were captured and subsequently tortured to death by the Jin and sometimes the Nie. Because her family was all in Yiling, they were safe.......but only for now. They had to hurry and escape.

Wen Qing sent a quick prayer to Wei Wuxian, hoping for her family’s safety, and tucked the rest of her belongings in her qiankun pouch, remembering to wrap her arms in bandages to hide the needles she might need to paralyze any Jin that came close.

....................................

Wei Wuxian’s first thought when he landed in the Heavens was, What the fuck.

Then he looked around and looked taken aback and wary at the unfamiliar faces around him. Where the fuck am I?

“Hello.” A rather stoic-faced man greeted.

“Hello.” Wei Wuxian parroted back. The person in front of him didn’t seem to be a threat so he felt a little tension loosen from his shoulders. “Um, Xiansheng? I’m afraid I don’t know where I am?”

“You have just ascended.” The man replied, throwing Wei Wuxian aback.

“Are you pulling my leg?” Wei Wuxian asked. “How is that even possible! I don’t even have---” He swallowed. I don’t even have a core.

“I do not lie. Come, we are wasting time. We must get you washed up and dressed for the induction ceremony.” Seeing Wei Wuxian still frozen, the man sighed, signalled for some people to pick Wei Wuxian up and dragged the struggling man to some quarters.

After absentmindedly washing, drying and changing himself, Wei Wuxian noticed some differences in his body. He wasn’t....cold or hurting anymore. And - he touched his back - he could feel his back! After having his muscles and nerves shredded by Zidian, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to sense touch on his back or even move without pain! But now he can!

He heard the urging of some people and grumbled.

“You will become a god of demonic cultivation.” Was the first thing he heard when he stepped out of the room.

Wei Wuxian choked. “Excuse me?!”

“I said what I said. Now then, if you would please concentrate, you should be able to hear the prayers of the people below.”

Wei Wuxian felt like everything was moving a little too fast for him, but nevertheless complied. Immediately after, a flood of prayers hit him at full force.

“Wei Wuxian!” That was Jiang Cheng! “….Have some fun up there.”

“A’ Xian, do be well. Shijie isn��t there to take care of you so do be well.” Wei Wuxian refused to cry.

“Wei-Xiong! I hope there’s someone up there to supply you with you know what *winks*”

How does someone even wink in their prayers? Wei Wuxian thought amusedly.

“Wei Ying.” That was Lan Zhan. “Wei Ying, I will—be well.”

Ah, Lan Zhan. Always concise even in your thoughts.

Wei Wuxian was a little teary. As much as he was glad to not be a part of the cultivation world considering all the rumors, he did regret leaving behind those that cared for him.

That thought was much more cemented upon hearing…….

“Ah, Lord Wei, the pinnacle of evil, the role model of all demonic cultivators!” Wei Wuxian’s eye twitched. “Please hear my plea for more power! I need it, I need it to destroy everyone who harmed me!”

“Wei Wuxian, I wish to gain power over resentful energy so that I may tear my enemies limb by limb!

“Give me money! You’re a god, aren’t you? Be useful for once and give me some gold!”

“Tch. If I’m going to pray for anything, then it’ll have to be the Seal. You’re a god, now, right? So you have no need for the Seal. Just give it up.”

No matter the good or bad, Wei Wuxian heard the wishes and prayers of the people down below and while some were innocent enough, there were those that wished for death, destruction, tools for torture, power, money, women…….you name it.

It made Wei Wuxian feel a little disgusted with humanity. He cut off his focus from the bad and focused on the prayer he received from his friends and family.

“Wei Wuxian, I heard you became a god.” It was Wen Qing. He hadn’t heard her voice in a long time. “I know this might seem shameless of me after all I did to you, but please. Please guarantee the safety of my family. We’re being hunted down and—”

Her prayer was abruptly cut off, before coming back in full force with notes of desperation. Her family had been captured and taken to Qiongqi Path! Wei Wuxian panicked. He didn’t know how to escape from this place and try to go help her.

The…..person who was watching over him evidently knew what he was thinking about and merely stated that gods cannot interfere with the mortal realm. So he was stuck.

But that didn’t mean he was out of options.

It took a few days, but he managed to wheedle out how to help: via dreams. He merely needed to get into the mind of one of his followers and tell them to help. Much like those prophetic dreams Wei Wuxian had read about as a kid.

So he buckled down, thinking of the best candidate to help him.

……………………………

Lan Wangji looked at the landscape around him and concluded that he was dreaming. Though, it was a little odd that he was aware that he was dreaming. Not that he hasn’t realized he was dreaming before - especially in those many fantasies he had of Wei Ying - but to be aware that this is a dream and to see nothing but a flat landscape was pretty out of the ordinary. 

Anyway, he digressed. What was going on?

“Uhh, Lan Zhan? Can you hear me?”

“W-Wei Ying?!” Lan Wangji couldn’t be blamed for stuttering. He wasn’t expecting this!

“Phew. Oh good, you can hear me. Anyway, Lan Zhan, I gotta be quick about this because I’m kinda sorta bending the rules here, but do you think you can go to Qiongqi Path and rescue Wen Qing and her family?”

“Okay.”

“Huh? Just like that? Not even going to ask me for a reason, er-gege?”

Lan Wangji’s ears flushed red at the address. “If Wei Ying wants to save them, you must have a good reason. That’s enough for me.”

“Ah, Hanguang-Jun.” The title was spoken fondly. “Always so good. I’ll tell you anyway. Wen Qing and her family sheltered Jiang Cheng and I after Lotus Pier fell and even brought back Jiang-shushu and Yu-furen’s bodies! That’s a debt I cannot repay.”

“I understand. I will help.”

He couldn’t see Wei Ying, but could practically feel the amusement from him.

“Wei Ying.”

“Yes?”

“Are......Are you well?”

“Of course I am. I’m actually feeling so much better than before.” Wei Ying grumbled, “I’m not even in pain anymore.”

“You were in pain?” Lan Wangji asked worriedly. “Wei Ying, why didn’t you say anything.”

“Lan Zhan, there was nothing you or anyone else could do to alleviate my pain. It doesn’t matter now. I’m okay.”

Lan Wangji was still worried and wanted to speak to him more, but---

“Ah! Looks like my time’s up!” Wei Ying exclaimed cheerfully as the dreamscape wavered. “See you, Lan Zhan!”

Lan Wangji nodded. “See you, Wei Ying.” I’ll catch up to you soon.

.

.

.

And 13 years later, Lan Wangji kept his promise.

___________________

I didn’t edit this so I’m hoping there’s not too many grammatical errors lol. 

[existingispetty]

hi !! can i please get a tpn, saiki k, and sk8 the infinity matchup? im a girl, prob 5'1 or 5'2, an enfp and i act pretty shy, awkward and quiet when i meet new people and often takes really long to open up, but once i am comfortable, i act very chaotic, humorous, sarcastic, and laid-back (a lil clingy too 😞😞). i even like giving affection if im that comfortable with the said person, im really shameless to showing affection to people when i really love them. i really like writing, long car drives, trying on clothes, teasing my friends lightheartedly and things that would make me feel extreme andrenaline (regardless if i'd get extremely injured or not), because i often have randomly have energy boosts. i can also be a people pleaser sometimes. my goals in life is probably spend a ton of money for alot of carnival rides w/ some friends, skate in any way (roller skate, figure skate, etc.). i dislike getting ordered around or getting told things multiple times, slow stuff, thunder storms, bugs/insects, headaches, judgemental people, and things that discourages or makes me umotivated. im also really caring to my loved ones when they get sick, I'd most likely be checking up on them every 3 minutes or every 30 minutes, it depends.

i have thick black hair that is armpit length, light brown skin, and dark brown eyes, my style for clothes are probably casual, or anything comfortable really, as long as it looks good to my eye, I'd wear it!

my love languages are probably words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service, i really like giving them to people i care about, romantically or not—i enjoy expressing my care and love for them, to the point there probably isn't a month that passed without me saying how i appreciate my loved one.

this is rlly random, but when i hold someone, i often like to spin em around (when im carrying the person or like if im holding hands with them), or rock them back and forth. when it comes to comforting someone, im not that good at it, but I'll try my best and listen, while giving the person either a hug or a back rub. whatever they prefer. i forgot to say, but im unlabeled and i could careless about the gender you match me with, thank you in advance! i hope you're having a great day/night <33

Hello! Thank you so much for the ask! I made the TPN matchup platonic to make sure I didn’t match you with someone strange. T-T +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your matchups are….(insert drumroll*)

Norman(platonic)

Norman is kinda awkward and quiet himself but when he meets others that are quiet the opens up faster. Norman has so many chaotic friends that you would fit in perfectly! The laid-back part though would be quite refreshing!

Norman will never seek out a hug or head pat but he definitely doesn’t mind if you give him one! Norman definitely likes bonding with others for long periods of time. Norman doesn’t need much to be please so you won’t have to work too hard. Norman would love to go on carnival rides, but please no spin rides he can and will throw up. Norman knows how angry people can get when ordered around so he wouldn’t even try. Norman had Emma do a boost of adrenaline would do little to affect him… Norman would do anything to keep you motivated. Norman compliments people so sincerely it could probably make anyone cry. Honestly, Norman is thankful for practically anything you do for him...

Norman would start giggling if you picked him up and spinner him around. Norman is more one that bottles up emotions so you won’t have to comfort him very often or at all.

Teruhashi Kokomi

Teruhashi thinks you are so pretty! She has to talk to you, and once Teruhashi wants to talk to someone you don’t have much of a choice. Teruhashi is used to people being all nervous and confined around her! She thinks your personality is adorable. Since she’s so protected chaotic friends make her feel more normal.

Teruhashi is so happy when you give her affection but she doesn’t expect you to do it the time. Teruhashi loves spending time with you so long cars rides are absolute. Trying on clothing is Teruhashis' main hobby! Teruhashi is always at least a little hyper so she wouldn’t even notice the small energy boosts. Teruhashi could never order people around! She wouldn’t really need to either way…

Teruhashi may get millions of compliments but sincere compliments from you mean more to her than anything. Takahashi hets so many empty gifts and compliments that you will mean so much to her. Teruhashi would giggle but blush so hard if you even picked her up nonetheless spin her around! Teruhashi doesn’t need much comforting but you being there at all will make her feel better.

Reki Kyan

Langa is a mix of both shy and awkward, so to him… you're like a Langa well at least at first. He will hang out with you a lot so be prepared. Reiki at first doesn’t expect you to open up, but when you do? Nothing changes.

Once you open up? Good luck prying Rekis cold dead body away from you. He will laugh at any joke even if it wasn’t a joke. Reki would love your physical affection, but he doesn’t expect you to give him physical touch every day all the time. Long car rides are like a monthly activity.

Reki loves to take you to wife places that are far away. Reki is always so energized he might not even notice an energy boost. Reki + carnivals = the wildest experience you will ever have. Reki goes way too fast and I mean WAY too fast. He absolutely hates people telling him what to do. Rekis personality is motivating in itself, to be honest.

Reki would be so proud and happy that you would give up even small words or things to him. If you tell him he looks decent today? His confidence has blown through the roof. Reki adores spending quality time with you. He will literally cry tears of joy if you picked him up and spins him around. He would definitely not mind the way you comfort him.

[cacoetheswriting]

champagne problems, ch.11

Spencer is in love with you, but you’re engaged to someone else.

Chapter Eleven: I Know It’s Over: Things get a little more clearer as you deal with the pain Spencer caused. A/N: chapter is titled after this song if you want to listen while reading. Word Count: 1.4k Warnings: swearing, heartbreak, unrequited / unreciprocated love, jealousy, talk of breakup/s, mentions of alcohol consumption / intoxication, serious serious angst, this whole series is a real slow burn.

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A/N: everyone go thank @ellesgreenaway​ for getting me out of my writing rut just in time to get this chapter done! and as always, i wanted to reiterate how fucking grateful i am that y'all are reading, and liking, this little story! it means the world to me! also, i didn't reread this so there may some mistakes ill fix later, sorry!!

-

People love weekends. They’re like a mini holiday. A break from the tedious and repetitive cycle that is Monday to Friday. Weekends are time spent away from the office, your profession and whatever that entails. They are time spent away from completing menial tasks. A break.

Saturdays and Sundays help regain all of the lost energy. When people get caught up in everyday life, weekends remind them to enjoy the simple things. They gives the opportunity to try new things, visit family and friends, or allow to simply spend some time alone. People love weekends.

Your weekend however, was an utter blur.

Aiding a killer hangover on Saturday, you opted to spend the day in bed. A plastic bucket within your reach and a bottle of water on the side table. You slept a lot. Partially to ease the headache, but mainly to ease the pain you were experiencing in your chest. The heartache.

The only thing you could remember from the night before was Spencer completely shattering your hopes and dreams, and the first six shots of tequila you took after at a nearby bar. You weren't entirely sure how you got home; the next morning Ethan clarified he picked you up after the bartender rang him using your phone. Not one of your proudest moments.

Your lack of motivation carried onto Sunday. The grief you were experiencing was not unfamiliar, after all Spencer’s broken up with you before. Although this time the agony that accompanied it felt a lot more intense. You couldn't move, or eat, or even shower. You were frozen. Stuck to the bed as if it was your only lifeline.

Thankfully Ethan was working both days. In your eyes, he was too preoccupied to notice something was wrong. Unbeknown to you however, he knew exactly the reason behind your melancholy.

The weekend soon ended, almost as soon as it began. Monday morning rolled around and with it the encouragement to get out of bed. Not like you wanted to. If you had it your way, you would never leave the comfort and safety of your duvet again. You knew however, you couldn't stay home without at least some of your colleagues questioning your absence, asking what was wrong. No. It was time to face reality.

Time to face Spencer.

The brunette doctor was sat at his desk. He arrived to work today earlier than usual, about four hours early to be exact. He made his usual cup of coffee and since then he hasn't moved an inch, just staring silently at his phone.

It wasn't something he done often, honestly he only carried the thing around for work purposes. But something happened that he couldn't quite get over.

On Saturday morning, Spencer woke up to a message left on his voicemail. A message from you.

At first it was hard to decipher what you were saying, or rather what you were mumbling. Between the drunken hiccups, slurred speech, and obnoxious background noise, Spencer initially thought it was a butt dial. It must have been, right? He was after breaking your heart for a second time, why would you leave him a voicemail?

However, hearing your melodic tone just saying his name, prompted Spencer to listen to the message again. It was then he really heard the distorted words coming out of your mouth.

“Spencerrrrrr, I uh I don't believe yo-ou. I know-w in uh my hearrrt-t you d-didn't mean it.” Hiccup. “P...p-please let’ssss forgetuh abo-ut it.” Hiccup. “I-I love youh-uh anddd I kno-ow you love meeee. I jussst kno-w.” Hiccup. “I-I me-an you uh couldn't-t even look me-e in the eye when you sss-said it.... please-e S-Spencer-”

The message cuts off and he’s left dumbfounded.

Blood drained from his face. The voicemail registered in his brain and he suddenly felt dizzy. Nauseous even. His hands began to tremble in his lap, and he swore if he wasn't sitting down he would have fainted.

By Monday, Spencer had listened to the voicemail a painstakingly two-hundred and eleven times. He had it memorised, and yet he kept playing it over and over again just to hear your voice.

As he sat at his desk, waiting for his colleagues to arrive, he wondered whether you remembered sending it. Truthfully, he hoped you didn't. It would be easier to move on that way - as if moving on from you was an option.

The glass door opened and he heard a faint sound of footsteps walk across the bullpen. Footsteps Spencer would honestly recognise anywhere. Taking in a deep breath, he glanced up from his phone and slightly turned his head, his gaze landing on you.

The air caught in Spencer’s throat, the voicemail instantly replaying in his head.

He wondered what you were thinking. Simply by looking at you he could tell you were in pain. Pain he caused, and he hated himself for it. Having spent countless hours over Saturday and Sunday rethinking the situation, he knew he made a mistake. He should have never given into Ethan’s smug demands. And even if, he should have told you what happened. Leave the choice up to you, as it was in the first place.

It was too late now to fix this, Spencer knew even if you remembered sending the voicemail you wouldn't listen to what he had to say anyway. Selfishly, he wanted you to look at him. He wanted to gaze into your eyes as the drunken message replayed in his mind yet again.

And although you could feel his eyes on you, you couldn't bring yourself to meet his stare. No. The heartache would only intensify. This was a mistake. You should have stayed home. With a blank expression, you placed your bag on your desk and hurried in the direction of the office kitchenette.

Spencer on the other hand followed you with his gaze. Every fibre of his being screamed to follow you, to talk to you. But he was completely frozen and remained glued to his own chair. Once again, a true display of cowardliness.

By lunch time, the whole team picked up on the odd dynamic between you and the handsome doctor. Two people that spent every waking moment together were no longer speaking to one another.  It didn't take a profiler to see something was wrong.

You hid in Penelope’s lair with the bubbly blonde and Tara. Enjoying a couple minutes of peace away from the prying eyes of everyone you worked with, most importantly however, away from Spencer.

“So chicken, are you going to tell us what’s wrong?” Garcia enquired, taking a mouthful of her lunch. “Because a blindman could see something is off, and don't you dare telling me I’m delusional or something.”

“Penelope is right, Y/N. Last time you were this silent and upset was when Spencer was in prison.”

You let out a deep sigh at the sound of his name. It was no use hiding your feelings from them, they would figure it out eventually. Plus these were the people you trusted more than anything in the world. If you couldn't tell them, then who could you tell what was going on?

“It’s something similar.” You mumbled, avoiding their gaze. “Just much much worse this time...”

“Well whatever it is, you can tell us. We’re here for you.” Penelope chimed, and reached out her hand to grab yours. She gave it a gentle squeeze and shot you a reassuring smile.

“Yes, exactly. We will support you through anything, you know that.” Tara added nodding along.

You sniffled. What were becoming all too familiar tears formed in the corners of your eyes, and you knew you would break down at any given second. Taking in a long breath, you began to tell the two girls everything that’s happened since your engagement. They listened attentively, never turning their attention away from you. As they listened, they both held your hands and took turns whispering ‘it’s okay’ or ‘take your time’.

“I’m going to kill our resident genius. He won't know what’s coming.” Penelope murmured after you finished in an attempt to lighten the mood. The corners of your lips twitched ever so slightly upwards as you wiped the tears away from your face.

“What are you going to do?” Tara asked after a congenial moment of silence.

“Ehm...” You cleared your throat. “S-Spencer wants nothing to do with me, but uhm... I after everything I c-can’t, I just can't be with Ethan. I can’t-t.”

The girls both nodded their heads, and even though they understood exactly what you meant by what you were saying, you still felt like you had to say the words aloud. For your own sake.

“So, uhm, I-I’m going to break up with Ethan. I-I’m going to end the engagement.” You stated, and even though your heart still ached, you felt as if a weight was lifted off of your shoulders. You felt free.

And I know it's over - still I cling I don't know where else I can go 

-

A/N: as always i’d love to hear your feedback! if you would like to be added to a taglist, please let me know. thank you for your continuous support. with love, mal. x

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story taglist: @girloncorneliastreet, @haylaansmi, @rexorangecouny, @l0ve-0f-my-life, @obsssedwithjustaboutanything, @aperrywilliams, @sassy-hades, @rainsong01, @reverdevivre, @dracomikaelson, @softieekayy, @lunaofcrows, @andrewhoezierbyrne​, @blameitonthenight21, @lyl-26, @do-yr-research, @nazifa94, @stepsofthefbi, @chatterbug2-0, @calm-and-doctor, @halseysunset

spencer reid taglist: @no-honey-no​, @calm-and-doctor​, @idroppedmygourd​​, @averyhotchner, @wowitsel, @elldell1204, @hey-there-angels, @reidabookforonce, @ellesgreenaway

[heyitsyn]

There Once Was A Man With No Arms-

Goshiki x Manager!Tendou!FirstYear!Sister!Reader

a/n: that was a mouthful

anon request: ahhh i loved your headcanons of iwaizumi dating oikawa's sister!!! this time, can i request goshiki x tendou's first year sis na manager din ng team nila? salamatttt hehe ingat ka lagiii💞

this cute little bowl cut babie

so you are the little baby sister of our favorite red hair cutie and he was the one who offered you the manager position

ofc you accepted bc hello, you get to hang out w your brother and tease semi-semi-senpai everyday

pls let semi live

everyone likes you though bc you are their manager and you do a lot of things for them even though you dont need to

like sometimes, you stop by the store and pick up all kinds of snacks and if its really hot, popsicles and ice cream

ushijima farmer-san is known to be quite stoic and serious but he’s pretty chill around you and even ruffles your hair whenever you make a stupid joke

as a tendou, you are basically like a ctrl+v  with your brother 

the same cute teasing and bubbly personality but the quick change to serious and demeaning

the team gets stressed, especially mom, bc he has to take care of not one red-head freak but two

but he liked you more though bc you were a first year and you were this short little pumpkin and you were so nice and just all around A D O R A B L E

but you just didnt rub goshiki the right way

maybe bc he thought you were just doing this as an act and no person could really be this bubbly and cheerful

or hes just jealous his senpais attention is directed to you

he will DIE FOR HIS SENPAIS

whenever he gets a good spike, you cheer him on and say things like, ‘nice spike, tsu-chan!’ and he swears youre just doing this bc you want to kill him with a heart attack and he doesnt like feeling like this but you like torturing him

boi what is with this logic

even though he lives for praises, your praises and compliments just hits different than his senpais

before he even realized it, he started all out glaring at you and tendou, being the overprotective brother he was, pointed him out on it

‘oi, little kouhai, you got a problem with our y/n?’

at the mention of your name you turned around from talking to the coach and everyone turned to goshiki, expecting him to answer

unfortunately you didnt hear what your brother said so you were just confused

‘hm? i read the room and i am not comfortable with the energy in the gym today’

someone snorted while goshiki turned red at the attention being on him with the topic of you so he just walks away back to the court

‘oh? what was that all about?’ 

semi shushes tendou and gives you a smile

‘y/n, can you help tossing the ball for us?’

you nodded and quickly ran to the chair and waddled over to put it by the net before standing on it

everyone turned red, including goshiki and even shirabu, and busted their uwus

‘okay! let’s go!’

youve always noticed tsutomu and his determination to beat ushijima which youve appreciated bc he was so hard-working and he was talented enough

‘good one, tsu-chan!’

‘t-thanks, y/n-san’

even when no one noticed it, you were always there to give him compliments and he always grows flustered and hes just a big idiot babie and doesnt realize that your praises makes his heart beat faster bc he thinks youre freaking pretty and someone pretty complimenting him in his spikes boosts his ego

but eventually, it grew on him

instead of looking around for any senpai to praise him, he now turned to you and you would give him that adorable smile and he would bite his lip to stop himself from running over and hugging the life out of you

then he remembers who your brother is, well more like how protective the boys were

‘waka-senpai, nii-chan got sick so he wants you to stop by his dorm later today!’

‘okay’

since you were their teammate’s sister, theyve known you for a while and watched you grow from being this little middle school girl to a first year high schooler 

you were practically their sister

goshiki went to a different middle school so he never really realized how the guys treated you so differently but he knew it would be difficult to win them over for your hand

oops wait what

this thought struck him just as he was drinking water and he ended up choking on water causing you to run over from talking to semi so you could pat his back

‘omg, tsu-chan, you need to be careful!’

this was only the beginning of weeks of being weird

like he was so distracted and different that shirabu actually yelled at him and refused to give him any tosses

‘you talk big about being the ace but the slightest distraction could cost you a match. are you really being serious about being the ace or is it all just talk?’

he got all sad and mopey and he had to sit on the bench 

goshiki never got benched

he was too good to be benched!

but he was and he did not like it

you went over to him and sat next to him

‘tsu-chan, can you follow me?’

he looked up from the floor and he shrugged before following you out of the door

the others watched their first years exit the gym and they contemplated following

but tendou, surprise!, actually stopped them

‘my sister can sort him out herself. trust me’

goshiki didnt exactly know where you were taking him to until you stopped by by the baseball field where there was mud

‘y/n-san, why-’

‘you always say my name formally, why is that? im a first year too, tsu-chan’

he looked down

‘um, i-i don’t know-’

‘y/n-chan, tsu-chan. try it out’

‘y-y/n-chan’

you squealed at how cute he looked w red ears and a red face but you refrained from hugging him

then you remembered why you brought him out

‘oh right! come here, tsu-chan!’

you took a branch from a nearby tree and encouraged him to crouch down with you as you began to draw on the mud

‘there was once a man with no arms-’

you started happily singing and this was when goshiki really realized the resemblance between you and your brother

you both were happy and cheerful bc you wanted to radiate the energy to the others to be happy too

and it worked

tendou’s funny songs and jokes always made the others laugh and you did too

goshiki was happy that he was able to absorb that energy and he soon completely forgot about shirabu’s comments

once you were done, you have drawn a dog on the mud and the boy was so amazed at the sudden creation

he looked up at you with wide eyes and you laughed with a wide grin at his expression

‘hehe, its cool, right? nii-chan showed me something like that before when i got sad and it made me happy again. i thought it would work on you too’

he might have questionable feelings around you bc when you mentioned being sad, he felt weird

like he was relieved he wasnt there to see you sad bc he couldnt take it seeing your usual grin into a frown and your bright shining eyes filled with tears

‘y/n-chan, when you get sad, call me, okay? so i can go to you and make you smile like you did with me’

your eyes widened in surprise but you nodded, your grin even wider

‘im counting on you, tsu-chan!’

and he did

when he received a call late at night from you, he easily snuck out from his dorm and ran to the baseball field where he saw your crouching figure aimlessly dragging the stick in circles

‘y/n-chan!’

he huffed and panted after running so fast and you looked up before running to hug him

‘im here now. youre okay’

you didnt release out your problems on him bc you didnt want to burden him

but he understood and just hugged you until you felt better enough to return to your crouching

goshiki hurriedly grabbed the stick and began to do the same thing you did for him before

‘then he jumped onto the lake and got stung by bees?’

he stopped and frowned, realizing he wasnt right

but the frown lifted when he heard your giggle

‘tsu-chan, he got stung by bees first and then he jumped on the lake!’

the corners of his mouth lifted and he chuckled

‘heh, i guess he did. but this is my version so listen closely, okay y/n-chan?’

this might be the reason you got close w the first year

the others noticed it too since you seem to pamper him and take more time taking care of him than them

like you even started wiping his sweat for him while he just giggles when you pull on the long strands of his hair

‘tsu-chan, i want to cut it!’

‘no, y/n-chan!’

‘but-!’

he grabbed your hands and your arms around his torso so he could do the same to you and gently tugged on the ends of your long hair

‘you too then, y/n-chan. your hair is long too’

you pouted then gently punched his chest

‘mean, tsu-chan’

‘heh?! mean?! how?!’

tendou is like the best big brother ever and hes just like ‘yuhhhh get it tsutomu!!!!’

eventually, goshiki began playing even better

his complete spike percentage has increased and his jumping has gotten higher

but the team predicts that this was all because he’s trying to show off to you and your praising and compliments have motivated him to play better

forget being ace, he just wants you to praise him

‘y/n-chan! y/n-chan! did you see that?’

‘wahh!!!! so cool, tsu-chan!!”

bus trips to matches are so cute but yall lowkey annoy the players a bit

yall sit next to each other and are just leaning together as you giggle over stupid cat videos

like we get, goshiki is getting some quicker than us

i feel like before moving on to relationships, goshiki and you would be best friends first and then move on to the dating stuff

tbh, theres no difference bc yall have always been like that but theres just an offical label now

‘hey, tsu-chan, wanna date?’

‘u-um,, sure?’

yall would hang out in either his dorm or yours and yall would be alone bc the team actually trusts you but you dont know that they pass by the door ever 5 minutes and listen in to just to make sure yall are not doing anything bad

smh they so nosy but we luv them

you know of his insecurities about not being enough and his fears of not being the ace and his dreams of playing to the big leagues and his passion to continue playing on the court for as long as he can and how excited he is to be able to spend all those years with you

he knows of your insecurities about the way you look and being associated with your apparent freak of a brother but you didnt care about that and even fought someone when they said something and your deep protectiveness for the boys, especially your brother but it’s all because the boys were the ones to accept you with open arms and treat you like family

yall shared a lot of secrets amongst yourselves and tbh, your communication is just *chefs kiss*

so serious fights dont happen, like ever, just stupid little arguments that are usually resolved like an hour later

since youre also a manager, its also your job to make sure the boys are maintaining their good grades and you know that shira-senpai has given up on tutoring tsutomu

i mean,,, goshiki is smart but he gets distracted easily and ends up spacing out during lessons

yknow?

thats when the little arguments bc youd be trying to teach him the damn phythagorean theorem and hed be distracted at how come your hair was styled like that today

‘goshiki tsutomu, i will leave your ass to fail right now if you dont stop touching my hair’

‘but babyyyyyy’

‘no, ‘dont baby’ me, you idiot! you’ll be crying like a baby when you fail and you’re bench during the next game!’

oof also!

hes a protective little babie and he gets jealous easily so whenever yall have games, he literally hangs all over you 

like he makes a show of putting his jacket over you and kissing your forehead so that the other teams know to stop looking over at your direction and whispering about you

ofc this gets on your nerves but you cant help but think how cute he looks when he gets jealous

he gets all pouty and touchy and youre just like, take my uwus you big babie

even tendou is like, ‘im her brother yet hes more protective than me’

he demands to be hugged 24/7 but thats not appropriate if youre in public so he ltr drags you outside and away from people just so he could hug you

he likes hugging you bc youre shorter than him and it makes him feel all special and soft since you like to burrow your face into his chest and your sweater paws are just like ugggggghhhhhhhhh

whenever he gets nervous, you kiss his fingers and his knuckles bc it soothes him and youre just his good luck charm and he feels like he can take over the world w a single kiss from you

‘baby, didja see that?! i was so cool, right?!’

‘so proud of you, tsu-chan! youre so cool!’

‘i love y/n like a sister but if she inflates his ego more, i will have to tape her mouth’

can you guess who said that?

overall a relationship i strive for and i really want a goshiki now thanks byeeeeeee

a/n: ngl goshiki’s hair lowkey triggered me when i first saw him bc why the heck does it look like that?! but now i actually like it on him and i cant imagine any other hairstyle fitting him

[ruvigapo]

Another personal post today bc i feel like i just.. am better able to think when i know someone's listening.

Remember blog culture?? I'm channeling That right now 😂😂

It's occured to me lately all the ways on which my adhd really has inhibited my ability to draw, and i just wanted to write it all out in a bulletpoint format and go through them to see if i can't find a solution to some of them.

Boredom - i get bored doing the same thing for too long and will rarely finish something if it takes me more than a week to finish.

Computer runs on 4GB - My computer is, sadly, shit. Which means a lot if waiting and hassling to save files on external hard drives.

External validation - not unique to adhd but i've been told we react much more strongly to other people's opinions of us, which sounds about right. So if i don't feel other people enjoy what i make, or even one person doesn't, whose opinion i value, i lose motivation.

Going outside - drawing from life is something i enjoy but it's very hard for me to do, which has led to me feeling very stuck in a single mindset for a very long time even though i would like to get inspiration from other sources. The insp bank is just very empty.

Starting and stopping - it's just such a hassle to navigate hyperfocus. To an extent i know how to trigger it, work with it, make the most of it, etc. But it still just takes a Lot of energy to manage.

Back pain - having a hard time exercising and stretching regularly has made it so my back pain is stopping me from drawing even if i want to.

Too tired all the time - everything is much more exausting when u have adhd so even if i wanted to work on åersonal projects or whatever, the physical and emotional toll is just too high.

Probably not an exaustice list lbr but at leadt i have it.

So a few things are more existential in nature like: "what do i want to spend my limited time on this earth making?" "Why do i feel like what i am doing is not enough?" Etc. Etc. And probably can't be solved in one sitting.

A couple things can rly be aided by a better settup though so once i move in i'm going to need to start thinking about a better settup:

A better computer with a RAM that doesn't actively want me dead.

(And good screen placement to go w that, so im not actively murdering my neck).

(And a new tablet that's not 10yrs old and a safety hazard).

Established places for all my tools so i can work with minimal effort.

Smaller usb sticks labeled by year would be nice. Computer folders drive me mad.

An inspiration board (and planning board) would be nice. Being able to visually see all my projects in action at all times. Worth a try honestly.

Moving in and settling down will aid on a few fronts:

Generally not being constantly worried about moving in to a new appartment will be swell. Love that for future me.

Exercise will happen more regularly once i move in and am not constantly stressed. Also i'll live rly close to a gym so.. fingers crossed that solves That problem.

Going back to work will help with that.

Fingers crossed ill have energy for parkour again soon🤞🤞🤞

Genuinely no solution for the Too Tired problem. I'll likely just have to let myself rest once in a while even if it means giving up on exercise and drawing for a week or more at a time. Which is probably healthy lbr.

Which.. that leaves the three biggest issues (shocker).

Going outside would help with boredom but going outside is hard.

I think i'll have to invest in some better outdoorsy bags. Like those rly cool leather hip pouches. Those would be great. Just.. a way to easily carry equipment qith me so i can just draw when i feel like it and don't have to dig around a bag just find a pencil.

Like this lol. Big enough to fit an a5 sketch book bc that's my preffered size snd like.. one water colour set and a pen. Imagine that. I think that would be Swell. I don't need a bunch. Just enough that i can carry the essentials anywhere i go.

The dream.

Another reason to marry a leather worker.

And honestly like.. i think taking a break from fanart and social media and just going outside to draw and see the world.

I think that's what i need rn.

Then there's the issue of external validation, which isn't anyone's fault, it just kinda Is.

I figure quitting social media can help with that too. Sorry to say.

The rest is probably just processing what i want to do and stuff. Ya kno. The existential bits.