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[autisticjoshrusso]

Autistic Josh Headcanon Meta/Analysis - Introduction Episode

So I'm rewatching the show and decided I wanted to go ahead and type up some meta about why this headcanon is so vivid to me to the point that it's literally my url. Gonna do a post every time I hit an episode that is significant/relevant! And this is not going to be like based on clinical definitions or anything, just comparing what we see in the show to lived experiences of myself an other autistic people in a casual manner.

Starting with his introduction to the show!

An abrasive first impression. I love the way he's introduced to us, because they start off not exactly putting him in the best light. He's extremely direct and really leaves zero time for Maddie to get a word in edgewise, literally throws her book of notes in the trash, etc. And while this immediately gets contrasted with his demeanor once the shit hits the fan, and we see how his behavior is motivated by competency and passion for the job, that initial first impression of, "Wow, this guy seems like kind of a jerk" is one that many of us autistics have had to contend with.

An impatience for teaching. Something I've noticed among autistic people is that, unless teaching is their Thing that they have a passion for, explaining things to people is... well... not our strong suit. I'd much rather just do the task myself than try to teach someone else how to do it! And we see that in how much he just does NOT want to be training Maddie at that point, and the reliance on throwing her directly into the task and demonstrating it himself feels very autistic coded to me.

Quoting a famously autistic coded character. This one's more minor but like... not only is trying to connect with people via quotes and references already an autistic thing to do, the fact that one of his first lines is quoting Dr. Gregory House is sooo... I'm like okay I see you. Do you find this character relatable to you. Asking for your diagnosis.

Missing the joke. There is a moment after Maddie makes a joke by pretending not to have heard him that he just... it doesn't click. It takes a second. And man is that relatable. The amount of times I have started to genuinely repeat myself because I missed that the other person was doing a bit and was only pretending to have not heard me! And having to quickly recover like oh! haha! funny joke, I definitely understood it and I too am in on the joke! Very autistic exchange to me.

Being a dispatcher. I'll probably elaborate on this more in the episode where we learn how he ended up in this profession, but really the job of being a 911 dispatcher is evidence in itself. A job where you quite literally can't be asked to interpret facial expressions or body language? Where you don't have to worry about what your own face is doing because you never have to interact with these people in person and can just stay behind a computer screen? A job that requires you to stay calm and unemotional in the face of dangerous situations and other people's heightened emotions? Autistic. It's just an autistic coded job.

That's all for now, stay tuned for the next one. No idea which ep is next going to be relevant actually so I guess we'll find out when we get there <3

[lily-janus]

Closer Than Before

Summary: Virgil comes back to find his apartment trashed and calls the police... but he didn't expect to have a history with the cop that arrived...

Pairing: post-romantic anxceit

Warnings: swearing, panic attacks, robbery.

Word count: 1,771

I'm late but this is my fic for the first day of @tss-anxceit-week Close & Distant, hope you like it!

---------------------------------------

Virgil froze as he entered his apartment.

Clothes thrown on the floor.

Window shattered.

Drawers half open.

Everything's just a big mess.

This wasn't how he left it when he left for work… he… he'd been…

Robbed.

As the realization sank in, so did the panic. His breathing became hitched, his heart pounding in his chest like a caged animal trying to break loose, spots decorating his vision.

He shakily tried to take deep breaths as he reached for his phone and dialed 911.

He could barely get the words out through his panicked panting to explain what happened and tell them his address, and then they hang up.

And now he has to wait.

It felt like years passed when he finally heard the sirens and rushed out of the building to greet the cops.

But he definitely was not prepared to see an achingly familiar face coming out of the police car.

He barely had time to turn his back and pull his hood tight over his face before… he spotted him.

The universe must truly hate him.

Like, seriously? What are the odds, out of all the cops in the city… Why him?

"I take it you're the resident of the robbed apartment?" He said in his usual smooth voice.

Without turning to face him, Virgil nodded.

"Okay…" he said slowly, "I'm going to need your name and a list of everything that went missing."

Fuck, fuck, fuck… this is so bad…

Why him? Why him? Why HIM?

"Not much of a talker are you?" The teasing, followed by the familiar chuckle, and Virgil's sure his eyebrow is raised too. "That's too bad for you cause I can't help unless you cooperate. I promise I won't bite."

God he can hear his smirk behind the words… some things never change…

A warm hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, I know this is scary, but it's going to be okay, I'll do everything I can to help you. I just need you to work with me, alright?" And then… gentleness, so unexpected, so sweet… so needed.

With a long sigh, Virgil took off the hood and turned around to his ex's shocked face.

"Hey Janus…"

…

3 years ago

Virgil heaved a sigh as he dialed his boyfriend's number.

…and another when it went to voicemail for the 4th time.

He was sitting on the flat armrest of their couch, hugging his knees to his chest, staring at his phone as tears blurred his vision, 2 hours after Janus said he'll be home.

He's fine, he's fine, he's… he has to be fine…

Virgil knows Janus' job as a cop can have emergencies pop up that can delay him but… he can at least shoot him a quick text, he knows how easily Virgil's thoughts spiral.

He perks up when the door to their flat finally swings open to reveal his tired, but undoubtedly satisfied, boyfriend.

"You won't believe what happened!" Janus started as he closed the door behind him, "we got this random call that turned out to be just the clue we were missing and then… what's wrong?" Janus stopped, at last noticing Virgil's tear-stained face.

Virgil said nothing as he held up his phone to show the 4 missed calls, "I… I didn't know where you were… you didn't say anything I thought…" a choked sob cut him off and he wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand.

"Hey… I'm fine, see?" Janus said in that gentle tone of his that usually had Virgil melting… but not this time.

"A quick text is too much to ask? A small 'hey babe I'll be home late, don't stay up'? Is that really so hard? How am I supposed to know what's going on if you won't tell me?" Virgil hated how shaky his voice was right now but he was still recovering from the hours of imagining every worse-case scenario.

"Look, I'm sorry, there was so much going on I completely forgot I-"

Virgil held out his hand to stop him, "don't… just… don't, I can't do this anymore…"

Janus swallowed, voice wobbly as he asked, "what are you saying?"

Virgil stood up, not meeting Janus' eyes, "you clearly care more about your job than me… so lets spare you needing to choose… it's over, Janus, we're done." He turned his back to him, fresh tears streaming down his face as he walked out.

"Wait! That's not true!" Janus pleaded, grabbing his hand desperately, "please… give me another chance, I swear I'll do better!" His voice cracked.

Before he could lose his nerve, he shook free of Janus' grip, "you're out of chances…"

…

Now

"Virgil…"

Virgil couldn't read Janus' tone as he said his name, his voice full of emotion he couldn't place.

He wrecked a hand through his hair, "well… this is awkward…" he chuckled uncomfortably.

"You… you look good, I mean… you look like you're doing good… not that I don't think you look good good but um.." Janus mumbled then let out a sigh, "it's nice to see you." He finally said, giving him a small smile.

Virgil just shrugged, trying to ignore his pounding heart, "still a cop?" He half stated, half asked.

"What? This?" Janus gestured to his uniform, "nah, it's just a costume."

Virgil was surprised to find himself chuckling, making Janus smile at the sound. He always had a knack for making Virgil laugh.

Janus cleared his throat, "so um… you were robbed?"

The question brought Virgil back to the present and images of his trashed apartment flooded his mind.

His panic from earlier made a comeback as well. He was robbed. Someone snooped around his personal space, stole his things!

"Virgil? Hey, deep breaths okay? I promise it's not as bad as it seems just… breathe with me alright?" Janus took him by the shoulder, taking deep breaths to demonstrate and Virgil did his best to follow his lead…

Just like old times…

"There you go, now why don't you show me your place so me and my team can search the scene of the crime?" Janus said gently and Virgil nodded, anxiety still spiraling but at least he was breathing now.

The next few hours were a blur of Virgil watching the cops work and answering their questions and, before he knew it, it was just him and Janus again.

"Okay so, we'll check the security cameras to see if they got a glimpse of the robber and I'll contact your insurance so you'll get your money back for the TV they stole and the damadge to the apartment" Janus said, checking things off his list before closing his notebook and offering him a smile. "Everything's going to be okay."

Virgil breathed a sigh of relief, feeling himself finally calming down, "thanks." He said lamely.

"So um… how've you been? It's… been a while…" Janus asked hesitantly.

"Don't you have work to do?" He intended it as a genuin question but it came out snappier than he meant, probably reminding Janus the main reason they broke up.

Janus breathed out sharply, nodding, "okay, yeah, I deserved that."

There was an awkward pause after that that seemed to stretch for hours but was probably only a few minutes.

"I've… been good." Virgil said slowly, "got a pretty good gig at a nearby pet store, pays well enough and my boss is obnoxiously sweet." Virgil said with a slight smile as he remembered Patton's freckled face smiling at him, "I guess that makes sense, given the fact he literally owns a puppies and kittens business." Virgil added, before briefly looking at Janus.

"How about you?"

Janus chuckled nervously, toying with something familiar on his wrist that Virgil didn't notice up until now.

His voice was thick when he asked, "you're still wearing it?"

Janus' cheeks flushed a deep red as he looked down at what his hands were doing, playing with the bracelet Virgil made him for his birthday back when they were dating. "I… never took it off.." he admitted, the red on his cheeks deepening.

Virgil felt an ache in his chest, "I'm sor-"

"Don't," Janus shook his head, "you were right… I was a total jerk to you… I didn't have my priorities straight back then." He explained.

"And, to answer your question, I'm doing pretty well too. I'm pushing to get a promotion soon which would hopefully let me have more control over my hours so I can spend more time with Logan." Janus answered, his voice going soft on the name.

Virgil raised an eyebrow, "Logan? Who's that?"

Janus cleared his throat, "no one! Really!" He added when he saw Virgil's skeptic look.

Virgil chuckled, "if you say so Lover Boy." He laughed harder when Janus flushed once again at the nickname.

This was… this was going surprisingly well. Sure, it was a bit awkward at first but… he forgot how easily it felt to just.. Be, when he was with Janus, regardless of the nature of their connection.

And he was also relieved that he didn't seem to hold on to the same feelings he felt before towards Janus.

"I missed you." Virgil was surprised to find himself saying that, knowing it was true.

Janus flashed him his signature smirk, "couldn't stop thinking about me huh?"

Now it was Virgil's turn to blush, "you wish… Though I did have a thought or two about all those hoodies you stole from me."

Janus pretended to be offended, "you gave those to me!"

"I let you borrow them because you kept whining about how cold you were every time we were going out." Virgil corrected with a smirk of his own.

"Well sucks for you, I have no idea where they are." Janus insisted, tone still playful.

"Liar." Virgil snorted.

They smiled at each other when Janus' phone suddenly rang.

He shot Virgil a regretful look before going to the side and answering, coming back after a few minutes.

"Sorry but… I gotta go now." He said through a sigh.

Virgil shrugged, "that's fine… it was… nice to see you too, Jan."

The use of the familiar nickname seemed to light up Janus' face, "yeah… I'm glad I came here." He turned to leave.

"And hey, don't be a stranger, alright?" Virgil shot him a small smile when he turned around, his expression a mixture of relief and surprise.

"I won't… and, you have my number… I'll see you soon." And with that, he finally left.

They were never going to go back to the way they were… but maybe this was better, healthier…

Closer…

[nurse-buckley]

List eight shows for your followers to get to know you better

I don't actually watch a lot of TV lately and if I do it is reruns of old comfort shows but we will try this! Again, leaving out 911 and 911 Lone Star because they are obvious! Are these mostly dumb, yes? Do I care? No, because they shaped the dork I am today. Obviously I have more shows and will probably kick myself for not mentioning them, but fuck it.

Tagged by @thespermdonorstorylineisstupid <3

These are in no particular order -

Bones

2. The Rookie (cop cuties, cute and on duty)

3. Humans (rewatching this right now, my poor traumatised synths)

4. Merlin (gave too much of my life away to this babe)

5. Do I dare say Supernatural? (I mean, I gave 10+ years of my life to it and spent many many money dollars on conventions, meeting the actors and comic con)

6. Might as well go full trash with the next two. Doctor Who (although my love fizzled out after ten and then died after eleven)

7. Sherlock

8. Call me sad, but a HUGE part of my life and probably my first autistic hyperfixation was Power Rangers, so fuck it. I could have chosen anything for 8 but here it is. (Am I unashamedly rewatching this too when I'm depressed and can't get out of bed? Yes) We're going with Light Speed, because that was my first.

Tagging: @firemedicdiaz @floralbuckleys @hauntedmilkshakeghost @theyarnmaidstale @coping-via-clint-eastwood and @writingmysanity no pressure <3

[datleggy]

Tbh after lots of thought about last night’s episodes (since I have nothing else to do lol!) I kinda came up with like an Andi Mack scenario. I felt like that was the Buckley secret. (So if you don’t know what Andi Mack is, it’s a Disney show and basically the girl’s older sister was actually her mother and the “mother” was actually her grandmother) Idk maybe Maddie is actually Buck’s mother. After further thought though, I feel like it doesn’t take much sense but that’s one of the things I came up with. Again, this could be a total stretch but I’m 9-1-1 trash so I will speculate all I want to keep me sane (enough) until next Monday! 😭

lol u know what’s funny? when i was a kid my mom made me watch so many telenovelas that initially the thought of “oh shit, is maddie actually bucks mom?!?” DID actually cross my mind, but i quickly dismissed it like, nah, no way, that’d be WAY TOO much, right??? 

and i don’t have any proof but i have heard a ton of ppl say that maddies actress denied that being the big secret on some Instagram live thing when it was brought up as a possibility

i know everyone is stuck on the theory that buck is adopted but i guess i just can’t see how that would be so bad?? not to mention why would bucks parents adopt him just to be neglectful/distant--it doesn’t really make sense to me. 

i kinda think the whole thing where maybe buck and maddie had a third sibling who died tragically--maybe in an accident baby buck himself was involved in??--and buck was just too young to remember it all and then they just as a family decided to keep it a secret?? that also seems odd but so far its been the more viable of the theories i’ve heard, only bc i think it would explain why the buckley parents are so distant towards their children, bc maybe its too painful being reminded of their loss, so they had to pull away 

WoiwEHEIPVuefndwoiubeotieurn SIX MORE DAYS 

[iamanartichoke]

Hey I loved your Johnny Depp post! My dash is filled with Amber supporters though and the things they say baffle me. Like, according to them Johnny won the trial but Amber also won the part of trial where the person calling her accusations a hoax was said to be wrong or something? Basically, according to them, the trial made it clear that Amber's accusations weren't a hoax (meaning she was abused) but Johnny won the defamation case. And I just don't get it like? If she was abused (or even if it was a mutual abuse case) how does that make her allegations false enough at the same time for Johnny to win the defamation case? It's very confusing. They also say she hadn't even mentioned his name in the article she had written and still lost the defamation case. That just seems impossible and very confusing. And this is just the Virginia verdict. Apparently she won 12 abuse cases in U.K. too. I don't believe Amber fans but would love to know this from a reliable blog. (Also, haven't seen your Loki meta-posts in a long while. Kinda miss them 🥺)

Ah, thank you both for reading and for reaching out - your ask touches on things that I was going to write about, but didn't, for no reason other than the post was getting out of control, length-wise. But, I am happy to provide more info on your questions.

Cut for images, length, & content.

Like, according to them Johnny won the trial but Amber also won the part of trial where the person calling her accusations a hoax was said to be wrong or something? Basically, according to them, the trial made it clear that Amber's accusations weren't a hoax (meaning she was abused) but Johnny won the defamation case.

This was a complicated case, and a complicated verdict. Basically, there were two lawsuits - Johnny filed suit against Amber for the op-ed she wrote in 2018, and Amber countersued for statements that Johnny's attorney, Adam Waldman, (or previous attorney, not sure on his current retainer status) made about Amber's abuse allegations being a hoax.

For reference and easier readability, I spliced together a single image with the jury instructions on them, but I didn't modify or change anything. The full instructions are here.

I'm not a lawyer, but my understanding is that, for both suits, there were three "counts" of defamation. Each count, or question, has to be answered yes or no by the jury.

Johnny's questions, paraphrased: 1) did he prove the headline of the op-ed was defamatory? 2) Did he prove quote #1 was defamatory? 3) Did he prove quote #2 was defamatory?

The jury ruled yes on all three questions - yes, these statements were defamatory. We feel there was sufficient evidence to support Johnny's claim that no abuse occurred, and that Amber wrote these statements knowing they were false, and so they are defamatory.

Amber's questions, paraphrased: 1) did she prove statement #1, alleging an 'abuse hoax' was defamatory? 2) did she prove statement #2 was defamatory? 3) did she prove statement #3 was defamatory?

The jury ruled no for questions 1 and 3, but yes for question 2. In case you aren't sure what question #2 is referring to - this is about an incident that occurred in May of 2016, nine days before Amber filed for a restraining order against Johnny. Amber claims Johnny trashed their apartment and got physical with her in this incident, whereas Johnny says that never happened. Police were called and came to the apartment, but they didn't find much, if any, evidence of the supposed fight.

So this is what Adam Waldman is referring to when he says: "This was a hoax ... they set Mr. Depp up ... roughed the place up, got their stories straight ... and then placed a second call to 911." The jury found this statement defamatory bc Johnny's team couldn't prove that Waldman knew for a fact that Amber and her friends did actually stage a fight scene or place a second 911 call. He's assuming that's what happened without evidence, so the jury considered that defamatory.

^^ Again, I am obviously not a lawyer, but this is what my understanding is based on commentary from lawyers on YouTube who have been following and analyzing (and breaking it down for the rest of us, bless) the case.

So, yeah. Amber didn't win her lawsuit, she won one count out of three, on a (generous, imho) technicality that wasn't even against anything Johnny personally did or said; he's being held liable by proxy, since it was his lawyer who made the statements. (There's speculation among the lawyers on YouTube that this one was a jury compromise to reach a unanimous verdict, but that's purely speculation.)

If she was abused (or even if it was a mutual abuse case) how does that make her allegations false enough at the same time for Johnny to win the defamation case? It's very confusing.

It is very confusing, and I don't blame people for being confused, but I do feel that Amber's supporters are being irresponsible, at best, for misrepresenting the facts when clearly they don't actually understand them. The fact of the matter is, Amber could not prove any abuse occurred. The relationship was toxic, and there was evidence that she was the one who abused Johnny, yeah - but, ultimately, her inability to prove that Johnny abused her is what decided the case in Johnny's favor.

She couldn't prove abuse = therefore, abuse may not have actually occured = therefore, it's reasonable to assume Amber wrote the op-ed knowing she was lying about its contents = therefore, this is defamatory = therefore, Johnny wins.

Furthermore, again, Amber only won one count of defamation in her lawsuit, and it was more or less on a technicality. So this is how it "looks like" they both won, when the reality is a lot more complicated.

They also say she hadn't even mentioned his name in the article she had written and still lost the defamation case. That just seems impossible and very confusing.

She never mentioned his name, but used enough context to allude to the fact that Johnny was the one who abused her. Someone testified (I'm not sure if they were from the ACLU or the Washington Post, I can't remember off-hand) that earlier drafts of the op-ed included Johnny's name, but even with his name omitted in the final draft, it was clearly about him. For example, the quote mentioned in his suit - she wrote, "two years ago, I became a public figure representing abuse." Well, this was published in 2018. What happened "two years ago"? She divorced and filed her restraining order, alleging abuse, against Johnny, in May of 2016. Like, from that statement alone, who else could the article have been about?

Also, she admitted on the stand that it was about him.

And this is just the Virginia verdict. Apparently she won 12 abuse cases in U.K. too.

This is flat out false. The UK trial was the result of Johnny suing the Sun, a newspaper/gossip rag, for publishing an article calling him a wife-beater in the headline. And I think it needs to be restated, bc people are not getting it - that lawsuit was Johnny against the Sun. Amber was not the one being sued. She didn't win anything, nor did she have to provide any evidence proving the abuse even took place.

That trial was about proving whether or not the Sun defamed Johnny when their article called him a wife-beater. According to Amber's testimony, there were 14 incidents (not cases, incidents) in which abuse allegedly took place. The judge found that in 12 out of those 14 incidents, abuse probably occurred and, assuming the abuse occurred, the Sun was not defamatory in calling Johnny a wife-beater, as they believed it to be true when they published the article.

(As an aside, variations of this argument include people saying Johnny was "convicted" or "found guilty" of abuse in the UK which, again, is just flat out false. There's no guilty or convicted in a civil trial, and ruling in favor of the Sun just means that judge determined they were not liable for defamatory statements.)

All of that being said, the evidence presented in this trial (in the US) is causing people to go back and look more closely at the UK trial, and it's come out that a ton of Johnny's evidence was suppressed and so did not factor into the judge's ruling, and also that the judge was biased in favor of believing Amber due to having personal ties to her side. I don't know the extent to which that is true, but I do believe that at the very least, the UK trial wasn't a fair one - so, his believing abuse occured on 12 out of 14 incidents doesn't hold a lot of weight with me, considering all the other factors.

And that's ... pretty much what's going on. I hope this was somewhat helpful and I am truly sorry for the length; I tried to keep it short but, unfortunately, there's so many angles in this case that it's nearly impossible to talk about it succinctly (although I'm sure others have managed it, but we all know how rambly I am).

(Also, haven't seen your Loki meta-posts in a long while. Kinda miss them 🥺)

Aw, thank you for mentioning that! I haven't really had much to say on the topic of Loki, but that in no way means I've lost interest or anything. I'm trying to channel my Loki feels into something creative, like fic, which ... continues to be a struggle, but what can you do.

[gingerquakes]

I am Woman

Before one I experienced

My first domestic violence

I was crying too much

My mom rushed me to the hospital

Her sin? Protecting me.

I didnt see my father for 14 years

Prison is a hell of thing.

Six, I experienced

My first suicidal intention

I just lost a tooth

But my mom lost her will to live.

I was the only one small enough

To fit through the crack of the door.

It was my turn to protect her.

Nine, I experienced

My first sexist comment

My step dad reiterated it for many years

That I would never accomplish anything

Because I was a stupid whore

I was a straight A student with aspirations

To become an astronaut then woman president.

10, I experienced

My first death threat.

We lived in an apartment complex

I was screaming for help, dialing 911

When he wrapped his arm around throat

A thin blade pressed against my skin

It was my turn to protect my mom.

11, I experienced

My first heart break.

My bags were packed with the sunrise

Everything was my fault, I had to go.

I begged her to come with me.

"The only person you can count on, is yourself."

Was my mother's goodbye, my grandma's hello.

13, I experienced

My first mental breakdown.

I couldnt go back, I couldn't go back.

Guilty conscience, guilty mother.

My grandmother was too tired to raise me.

I had to make a statement, a declaration.

1 plan, 2 blue socks, 3 searches later: success.

15, I experienced

My first taste of bliss.

"One pill makes you larger

One pill makes you small"

Drink me, eat me, down the rabbit hole.

What a beautiful thing, peace.

Fleeting happiness in chasing dragons.

16, I experienced

My own version of men.

What a foolish and naive girl I was.

I'd already seen the reality of the world.

Blinded instantly with bare minimum effort.

Oh how I swooned for the crumbs he left me.

I scurried right into the mouse trap, damn cheese.

17, I learned

What my mother felt like when she hit the floor.

How to conceal bruises with clothing and make up.

What it meant to be seen and not heard.

How to comply and obey, fulfill his needs/wants

Whenever, however he pleased.

I was not a person, not a woman, I was just his.

18, I snapped

Staring down the barrel of a gun

He loaded it front of me, and aimed.

Either you or I will die tonight, I cried.

Holding the muzzle to my head.

I watched the fear wash over his face

"I am fortunes fool"

19, I lived

Successful escapee, new life.

My life was saved by Uncle Sam.

Sure it had it's ups and downs, but I was alive.

Dare I say, I thrived- new beginnings were constant

I was strong, I had to be the best, prove myself

Again, and again, and again, for I am but a woman.

20, I found love

7 long years of.....love

Lies, lies and lies, broken dreams.

Cupid Im still unworthy.

I wasn't enough, I could never give enough.

My body, my heart, my life, my soul-worthless.

Discarded like a piece of trash wasted.

23, I experienced

Motherhood aburptly.

Life changed instantly- do this or leave.

Adoption of his family, I stood by his side.

"Mother is the name for God,

On the lips and hearts of children."

So, I followed diligently, their life for mine.

24, I deployed.

Married, but not supported.

No letter, no box, and the only calls: fights

I leaned heavily on my friends, now family.

My grandma, my in-between, the sand and home.

I ubered to her house from the airport.

No happy faces, open arms-why did I come back?

25- I experienced

What it meant to be a closet alcoholic

Bad decisions made worse.

I fought everyday to want to live.

I need to live, I still have "kids".

Its not a problem until people notice.

It helps me survive "saving my marriage."

26- I learned

What rock bottom looks like.

Crossed lines a woman shouldn't, she knows better.

I learned what my husbands rage felt like.

I needed the world to know my pain

I cheated, I lied, I contemplated the end of life.

I have to feel something, anything, please.

27- Im living again

I tell my truth and accept responsibility for my sins

I stopped drinking, I got help and he ran.

Karma still has her way with me, I accept this.

Always learning the term for inner peace.

"Your wounds may not be your fault,

But healing is your responsibility."

See me, hear me:

I am a single mother.

I am worthy.

I am a warrior, in many different terms.

I am successful.

I am a woman of spiritual means.

I am a believer.

I am a human with many names.

I am a survivor.

[gebtoons]

my contribution to the bapo timeline discourse bc i’m just gonna propose a timeline and will not be taking criticism <3 (under the cut bc this is gonna be a long post probably) 

ok disclaimer I am quite stupid, however I’m gonna use my knowledge from my own 12 years in american public high school and what little info I have about american boarding schools/catholic schools that I have from my friends lol. so. idk. 

i’m also gonna date songs/major events and i’m gonna be taking some “just trust me bro” liberties bc y’all are right it does NOT make that much sense. 

January 6: Epiphany; this is like an actual holiday lol. like its always on the sixth. idk its good that this is the starting point bc its an actual date yknow? For the purposes of this timeline were going with that its early in the week, so lets go with Monday idk

January 6-13: You and I, Role of a Lifetime; so we’re all kinda in agreement that this timeline (at least the beginning) only really makes sense if you and i/role of a lifetime aren’t like. a singular moment and are instead multiple days. so yeah, of this first week, this is like. monday-next sunday ish yknow. 

January 14: Auditions, Plain Jane Fatass; ok so having auditions for a spring musical right after kids get back from break actually makes perfect sense to me, like i can see it being like “ok take break to prepare so as soon as you come back we can have auditions so we can jump right into rehersals” yknow? and since the rave is clearly on a friday (”we’ll meet in tanya’s room on friday night”) so i’m going with the monday before.  

as for pjf, i know it doesn’t make a ton of sense for them to get a two week late birthday package their first few weeks back from school, but hear me out it makes sense. the implication throughout this entire show is that the twins have decently shitty parents. from bits of dialogue (in this song in particular lol) i’m kinda inferring their the “only concerned with how their kids make them look to others” kind of neglectful. so I don’t think it’s too outside the realm of possibility that they went away for the holidays, didn’t bring the twins, and instead mailed them a birthday package and having it show up two weeks late. realistically the timing of this isnt that important and the explicit “two week” time frame could’ve been an exaggeration on nadia’s part to mock her shit parents (idk its in her character) basically ppl are a little two fixated on this imo but anyway. moving on. 

January 18: Wonderland, A Quiet Night At Home, Rolling, Best Kept Secret; a very agreed upon point in the timeline. its the friday following the auditions. moving on. 

January 21: Confession; also very agreed upon. the monday following the rave. moving on again 

January 23: Portrait of a Girl; the date here is kinda arbitrary, but bc sister chantelle says “ok lets try to put yesterday’s rehearsal behind us” and i for the life of me cannot think of a scene she could be referring to (there’s none in the script either) that implies it wasn’t the same monday as confession (bc even in a boarding school i think holding extracurriculars that aren’t sports over the weekend (especially when they are no where near crunch time lol) is weird and not common) so i just picked a random day during the week

January 25: Birthday Bitch!, One Kiss, Are You There?; from matt’s line in wonderland, ivy’s birthday is a week after the rave. in my timeline that’s january 25th (an aquarius queen). 

btw given all grown up’s “17, how will i manage?” ivy is 16 during 17 at her party, which is strange given shes a high school senior and seniors are typically 17 during 18. so either a) she skipped a grade, not an unheard of thing. or b) shes not a senior, shes just a junior who hangs out with a bunch of seniors, which is also pretty common. and looking through the script i can’t find any mention that she is also a senior, other than yknow she graduates with them, but she isn’t mentioned during the class ranking scene? so idk not that it really matters just a fun detail 

February 3 (at night): 911 Emergency!; ok controversial. i know i like the joke about how its funny that peter having a weird dream when he was high prompted him to want to come out and really ruined his relationship with jason. BUT. i think the dream (despite it’s weirdness) would have a lot more meaning if it wasn’t the result of being really high, but if it was a dream he had like a week later as a result of a building sense of guilt/anxiety bc he told matt. also it fits better given later timeline things. (this timeline literally only exists if there are weird jumps in time that don’t make a ton of sense) (EDIT: I forgot one line about Jason crashing at ivys but fuck it forget that bitchass line this makes for more drama its staying this way)

February 4: Reputation Stain’d, Ever After; the next day following peter’s dream, idk what else to say, moving on. 

February 25-28: Spring; another jump! i’m sorry but the only way for this to make sense logistically is for there to be quite a few time jumps! however, i also think this one works bc i think it gives time for everything from around ivy’s party and peter and jason’s break up to stew emotionally. like obviously a musical only has so much time to tell a story so the audience cannot see every realistic beat, but honestly i think it makes the whole thing a little more dramatic™ if there’s space for everything to settle, and for ivy to come and apologize and such. also, the reason it’s multiple days is bc in the script, ivy is trying to study (presumably for some sort of midterm) while nadia is playing, so that probably takes place a few days before they move out, so before finals. but in the script, jason and peter are packing and peter is leaving, so that part of the song/staging takes place on the 28th. yes, that’s weird, but we are clearly thinking more about the logistics of this school than the writers were so. 

March 1: One; assuming st. cecilia’s works kinda like boarding schools here, they probably do staggered move out/move in, just bc that would be a lot to have people coming and going at once so it makes sense that peter left the day before, while jason and ivy are leaving the next day. also, given that peter is trying to call jason while he and ivy are banging, it’s probably been a hot minute since the actual break up, since peter was clearly very hurt by the whole thing, it would make sense (at least to me) that peter would reach out a month ish later, rather than like a few days later (you have to make so many assumptions to make this timeline work granted they aren’t super out there assumptions but still this is annoying) 

March 1-25: Spring Break. the coworkers I have who are in boarding school work over their school breaks, which are longer than the public school breaks (which are only a week) so i put their spring break at 3 weeks. it makes sense, and it makes the later part of the timeline make sense. 

I know i’m already halfway through this, but to me it makes sense for their to be quite a few time jumps in the story bc its a musical. they cannot show every day. there are a lot of other shows (particularly shows set in high schools) that are set over a whole school year, but if you just look at the events of the story that doesn’t make sense, so you have to imply that obviously they are not showing every little detail. moving on. 

March 25: Wedding Bells, In The Hallway, Touch My Soul; peter wakes up from his nightmare in the church, so im assuming he fell asleep in church (like he almost did during epiphany). also it makes sense that class ranks are announced in late march-early april, I know my school announced ours in like, the first week or so of april? so yeah. moving on.

(from this point on i was giving myself a headache trying to make it make sense so its all weird from here!!)

April 4: See Me, Warning; the date doesn’t really matter here, I picked a random day in early april. the script said peter is calling from him and jason’s old dorm room, as he was picking up the last of his things, so he clearly made the roommate switch after school started (makes sense to me). 

April 15-20 (approximately): Ivy finds out she’s pregnant. look google tells me on average people find out they are pregnant around 5-7 weeks after conception. i went with around 7 just so this timeline makes a tiny bit more sense given the later stuff, so yeah here we go. 

May 4: Pilgrim’s Hands, God Don’t Make No Trash, All Grown Up, Promise, Once Upon A Time, Cross; a rough night for our heroes. so given sister chantelle saying “again? wonderful.” and nadia saying “i can’t believe you missed rehearsal again”, clearly ivy has been missing quite a few rehearsals, so for dramas sake maybe from when she found out she was pregnant? also i know i’ve been saying they wouldn’t have rehearsals on weekends, and given my weird timeline this would be a saturday, but its tech week so i’ll allow it. 

May 5: Two Households, Bare, Queen Mab, A Glooming Peace; pretty self explanatory, and it makes sense to have the spring play in early may. rip jason. 

May 11: Absolution; the day before graduation peter goes to confront the priest. gives him a small amount of time to start processing, and it makes sense it would be the night before, at least to me. 

May 12: No Voice; i fucking hate this. “peter, we graduate next sunday” i hate that stupid fucking line. do you know that this timeline literally would be fine if it weren’t for that stupid fucking line? bc then, the school play would be in early may and graduation could be in late may-early june (when most high schools hold graduation) but no. keeping with continuity, they have to graduate the sunday following the school play. “peter we graduate in a month, are you really never gonna talk to me again?” would have been fine. but no, now we have beef. literally everything else about the end of this timeline being kinda weird would work itself out, except for the fucking graduation. god damn. anyway, may 12th, the graduate on may 12th which is really fucking weird bc of that one fucking line. whatever. i didn’t write the damn thing bc if i did i wouldn’t have written that fucking line. (i’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, so i’m a tad annoyed, can you tell?) 

anyway, that’s it. that’s my long as hell proposed bare timeline. if there’s anything glaringly wrong with it i don’t care bc this timeline literally cannot make sense. but honestly, now that i think about the Popular Tween High Schooler Musicals (heathers, bmc, deh) the timelines of those (especially heathers and bmc) don’t make tons of sense either. that’s just the way it is, that’s the way its gonna be. and we have to live with it. 

this post is so long it is actually slowing down my laptop as i type it

[astraljedi]

Coffee Crush (Evan Buckley)

A/N: first of all, I’m buck trash. I’ve been watching 911 with my roommate since season two aired, and I’ve been trying to fight it. But here I am, posting an Evan Buckley imagine. Secondly, I wrote this in a day? Who am I? Thirdly, we need more buck imagines.

Summary: Evan might be obsessed with a coffee shop, or a certain employee.

Warnings: none? Probably some bad writing.

Pairing: reader, she/her

____

Coffee never failed to bring people together, whether it was decaf or not. People enjoyed a hot cup of coffee or an iced cold-brewed coffee with their loved ones at any time of the day.

That's why Y/N had decided to open up Mamá Linda’s Coffee shop. Of course, Los Angeles had hundreds of know coffee chains around de City. But it didn’t stop her from owning her place, she fought hard for it and gave it her all until she finally made it.

It always packed all day, and she was on her feet since early in the morning until late at night. There wasn't a day where she wasn’t helping her staff on the bar and behind the kitchen. She was an all-hands in kind of woman.

Week 1

The job was exhausting, but a day never passed by that wasn't full of some entertainment—especially this week in particular.

“Y/N, we have a 10 in uniform,” Selena whispered to her while calling the shots for the current drink she had. They all spoke in codes, and a ten means someone attractive was in the shop. “Those piercing blue eyes could make me forget that I’m a married woman.”

Selena always made her day with her commentary during shifts and even of them during text or calls. She was a woman full of surprises.

“He’s lost looking at the menu.” Y/N chuckled, watching him wrinkle his nose in confusion. He was wearing a black firefighter uniform like he just came off his shift or was heading there. “He looks cute.”

She found it adorable, and without notice, she had a small smile splattered on her face. The cute firefighter turned his attention back to the line and caught Y/N’s eyes staring back at him. He must have felt someone was staring at him.

Blushing uncontrollably, he smirked at her playfully. He loved flirting, and he walked around, knowing he could get any girl.

Not knowing what to do with herself, she lowered her head embarrassed and ended up spilling the steaming hot milk from her pitcher on the counter and on to her apron. Y/N’s hands were now shaking as her team watched her with wide eyes, surprised with her clumsiness. She wasn’t like this at all.

The metal pitcher fell to the floor, hushing the packed shop with the remaining milk spilling on the ground as clients looked around for the source of the accident. It made it worse for her when all her usual clients were staring at her, they were worried, but she thought they were judging her.

“Y/N, get yourself cleaned up. We can handle it here.” Selena rubbed her Y/N’s shoulders while she nodded her head in agreement quietly. Darian was already cleaning up the counter while she walked away quietly towards the back. After all that, Y/N didn’t even dare to look back at the firefighter. She felt embarrassed at how nervous and shaky she got over just one smirk.

And if it couldn’t go worse, he became a regular after that.

Week 2

The second week was torture; now she knew his name after Selena had told her a few days ago when she finally caught his name for his order. Now, Harry, one of her other employees, had found him on social media during a late stalking session. He had a crush too.

“Evan hasn’t come in today, and maybe he couldn’t come by before work or after his gym session.” Harry frowned, leaning against the marble countertop after he finished with his last customer on the line. It was around 10 am, which meant a little breathing room for the team to relax from the morning rush hour.

“Did you get his social security number while you were stalking the poor guy?” Y/N chuckled, working on the pastry case. She had made the perfect Tres Leches in the morning that she thought it deserved a spot on the pastry case for others to see the newest treat on the menu.

“I only found about his family, his ex-girlfriend, and where he works. It wasn’t a full-on stalk since I know you called dibs first.” Y/N turned around, glaring at him after she closed the pantry door.

“I did not call dibs on him.”

“Well, you did spill your pitcher full of steaming milk after the poor guy tried to flirt with you. Which you never spill your pitcher, you can do this in your sleep cupcake.” Harry added as Selena had joined them in the bar.

“I’m with Harry on this, and you did say he looked cute that day,” Selena added, drying the white plated she brought from the back.

“I did not spill because of him. I just had too much caffeine that day that I was bouncing all over the place.” Y/N tried to get her self out of it; she didn’t even want to be in the topic from the first place. “Just because I find a guy attractive doesn’t mean I want to date him.”

“You’re saying that I’m not datable?” And if her nightmare couldn't have become worst. Evan was standing behind the pastry case, gym bag over his shoulders, and a tank that left his muscular biceps the main lead of the show.

It was like deja vu. Y/N’s blushing cheeks were hard to cover as he smiled back at her. He knew she was avoiding him since the milk incident, and he finally caught her. And even better, she was talking about him with her friends.

“I see you have become a regular now.” Was that the first thing she said to him? Yeah, rude.

“What can I say? I love coffee and scenery.” Evan flirted again, knowing he made her nervous.

“Well, I think Harry knows your usual so that he will make it for you.” And as expected, Harry was already finishing his order at the end of the bar. “As a thank you for your support, it's on the house.”

Harry smiled widely at Evan as he handed the coffee cup to Evan over the counter. “Won’t your boss get mad for giving away free coffee?” Evan added before taking a sip of his drink.

“The good thing is that I’m the owner.” Y/N smirked back at him before turning around and walking towards the backroom. She looked over her shoulder, thinking she pulled off the last move, but he didn’t fail to wink back at her before Evan left the shop.

Week 3

After her last conversation with Evan, she did see him a couple of times after. And she finally learned his usual order. It was a black coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk topped with some cinnamon.

She did get used to seeing his face around. He did seem to enjoy the coffee. “Hey, sweet face, you’re early today.” Y/N leaned against the counter, already having his order ready for him in front of her.

“Now, you’re giving me nicknames?” He did enjoy the coffee, but he loved it the most when she greeted him with her sweet smile. He had gotten her to open up to him these couple of days, and he was happy about it. She brightened up his day.

“You just always have a sweet smile, like a toddler. Always so full of life, energy, and happiness.” And she wasn’t shy anymore on holding back the compliments.

“Then, I will call you freckles.” Evan reached towards Harry to finish paying and looked at her one last time. “You should show your freckles more. They go perfectly with your beautiful smile.” He winked at her and left the store in a hurry for work.

“If you don’t date him, I will.” Selena pushed a blushing Y/N playfully while she still stared at the door even though he was nowhere in sight anymore.

Week 4

“Good Morning Harry, did you watch the game yesterday?” Evan chatted with Harry, his eyes scanning the shop for a particular face.

“I did, and after that game, I’m embarrassed to even be from here. What a disaster it was.” Harry shrugged his shoulders, giving Evan his change. “She’s not here, she came down with the horrible flu and couldn’t risk getting all of us sick.”

“Oh, I was looking forward to seeing that smile today.” Evan frowned, placing a tip in the jar on the counter. “It was nice seeing you. Take care.”

“He looked sad when he walked in today,” Selena said, while Harry agreed.

Week 5

After spending some time in bed and being miserable at home with the flu, Y/N was finally on her feet and feeling better. The first day back and she was excited to head back to her second home, and especially to see that special someone.

But that morning, he didn’t show up at all. It was like the universe didn’t want her to see him today.

“He did come yesterday, right?” Y/N asked Selena, tapping her fingers on the counter, worrying about him. She had a feeling something was wrong, especially after Selena has told her that morning that he had been looking rough the couple of times he had come in.

“He did, he still had the sad puppy eyes, but he did order your tres leches again,” Selena confirmed, handing Y/N a warm cup of tea. Y/N felt terrible, he did leave his number for her with Harry, but she just didn’t have the courage to text first.

Maybe she was crazy, but she missed his smile and his contagious laughter while she was gone. She was looking forward to seeing him again, but she might have sent the wrong signal by not texting or even calling him after he left his number.

“I’m going for a drive, think you can stay in charge until I get back?” Y/N placed the cup on the counter and folded up one of the to-go boxes.

“If you’re going to do what I think you're going to do, then I can.” Selena chuckled, helping Y/N place the whole Tres Leches in the box.

She had driven past the station a few times before she even knew him, so thankfully, she knew the way and didn’t need to waste more time by searching it on her GPS. It was a 10-minute ride, and with her luck, traffic was lighter than usual.

“Should I call him and tell him that I’m here?” She thought, looking at the intimidating station. With her shaking hands, she built up the courage and stepped out of her car with her other hand holding on to the box.

“I bet I look pathetic.” And again, the little voice in her head returned. Her eyes wandered the area, and she only spotted a pair of legs working behind the ambulance. Hesitant, she made her way towards the figure as she held tightly on to the box in her hands. “Hi, excuse me.” She felt so small and intimidated her voice cracked a bit at the end.

“How can I help you, ma'am.” She felt so bad about interrupting him while he was just trying to do his job.

“Sorry to bother you, is Evan here? I don’t know if this is the right station-“

“Oh yeah, he’s here.” He smiled a little too friendly and immediately started shouting Evan’s name until an annoyed Evan came marching from what looked like a locker room.

“Han, why in the world are you screaming?” Buck groaned, but it took him a second to realized what was happening.

“This kind woman was asking for you.” Han smiled at Y/N kindly. Buck’s eyes widened, and his cheeks we're madly blushing when he spotted her standing right behind Han. And of course, Y/N had been blushing since he had walked out of the lockers.

“This is for all of you; I made it this morning.” Y/N held out the box, and Han didn’t hesitate to grab it from her hands.

“She brings us treats. She’s a keeper, Buck.” Han said a little too loud as he climbs up the stairs towards the small kitchen.

“I’m sorry if I’m overstepping. I got worried when you didn’t come in, and I just had a bad feeling. I needed to make sure you were alright.” Y/N rambled, her hands moving around like crazy as she tried to explain her actions. “I don’t know if you’re just nice, but I’m pretty sure we were flirting all of this time, and I just needed to see you.” With her rambling all over the place, she didn’t even notice how Buck was walking towards her slowly.

“I wanted to see you too.” Evan chuckled, grabbing her by the waist, finally pulling her closer to his body for the first time. The heat radiating between the two met as Buck lowered down to her height to catch her lips with his.

In complete shock, Y/N’s widened at first but slowly shut them as she kissed him back. It was slow and sweet, how he imagined it to be. One of Y/N’s hands found its way towards his bicep, resting on the muscle even after he had pulled away to look at her glistening eyes. “Just as good as your coffee,” Evan mumbled, pecking her lips a few times.

They were in their little bubble until wolf whistles and cheers coming from the balcony above them. “You can come to visit us at any time if you bring more goodies as good as this dessert,” Han said with a mouth full of food. A woman standing right next to him slapped him in the shoulder, rolling his eyes at him. “Excuse my partner. He gets a little too happy over food.”

“I’ll bring more next time.” Y/N giggled as Buck held her between his arms.

[pbandjesse]

Toay wasnt particularly hard on me but I did break another stupid tooth and I am so mad about it. But in that kind of defeated way. It hurts. And is only hurting more every hour since I realized what happened. I am not looking forward to how expensive this is going to be to fix, even with the insurance I paid for this year.

I slept well last night, I am really glad we got the new bed slats, even if it made the bed shorter and my body is confused getting in and out. I will get used to that.

I woke up to a note from James, but also a text, conflicting against the note. The note said they would be home between 830 and 9. The text told me they saw a car accident while on their bike ride and were calling 911 and would be a while longer.

So I was alone. And I got myself up and dressed and I felt good enough. Fairly neutral. I made my tea and put on a jacket I did not need. And I was off.

I stopped for a sandwich. Ate breakfast in the parking lot. And went in the side door because one of the maintenance men was working there. We got new tables for lunches! So that was exciting in one of those quiet ways.

It was an excellent group. John was there. He let me know he lost hearing in one ear but I was already pretty sure that was what was happening when I said something and they just didn't respond at all. I tried to make sure I spoke directly to him for the rest of the day.

The group was so sweet. They were all in their adorable uniforms and were just so sweet. I helped them bring in their big box of lunches, and got shocked at least 3 times by the lunch room door.

We were doing a small cannery and then a tour. And it was the best. The cannery went super well. We had so many laughs and some of the reason it was great is because the kids really leaned into their characters and roles. It was so fun. I got laughs from the adults when I made the shop messy and pretended it was an act of god so that the apprentice had to pick it all up. We had laughs in the store too when I told the kids to hug their parents and tell them they learned all about late stage capitalism. It was a blast.

The tour was fun. The kids I had were super interested and had so many great questions and were so nice I took them to the car to sit and bounce. Just the best kids.

And I really enjoyed talking to John today. We talked about trades and fixing things and injuries we've gotten or seen working in wood and metal shops. He's great, I enjoy listening to him. I bet he was a really good teacher.

Once everything was cleaned up and me and John had finished hanging the new chalk board, I heard out. I was heading to target.

I had to get a gift and a few small things. Still somehow spent more then I expected. But it was fine. I was in a good mood.

Until I got to the car. And realized one of my teeth felt sharp. And if I sucked on that part of my mouth my tongue got stuck. A sure sign I had a crack in my tooth. I was particularly upset though because this is a visible tooth in the front. It didn't hurt so I thought maybe it was a crown?

But once I got home I realized that is not what was happening. I used my dental pick and stuff it in the hole and no, that's a real tooth. Ouch. It has only started to hurt more every hour since then. And it has me so sad. But I tried to not focus on it, but it is hard.

Once I got home I cleaned trash out of the car and put everything away, me and James had a late lunch, and I played animal crossing until the sun went down.

Which because its day lights saving, was not to long. I would do my styling work and wait for James to be done work. I changed into comfier clothes and we headed to dinner with James's family.

We picked up indian food and had a really excellent time. We got to talk about James's new job! And the wedding! And hear all about Charolette's day. Listen to stories. It was a really nice time.

We were there until around 9, when we headed out. And now we are home. Cleaned up and in bed. My mouth hurts but I will go take an asprin. And get some sleep.

I have a tour tomorrow and another roller coaster program. I hope it is a fun time and they are a good group. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep good everyone!!

[wayward-mikaelson]

The Run In

Word Count: 4692

Pairing: Misha x Reader 

Characters: Reader, Misha, Diego (OG Character), Xander (OG Character), Divorce Lawyer, Police Receptionist, George (OG Character), Female Officer, and Male Officer

Summary: The Reader gets away from her abusive husband. After bumping into a stranger, the Reader forms a friendship with him which the Readers soon-to-be ex-Husband finds out about. 

Disclaimer: Language, Angst, Fluff, Mentions of Domestic Violence, Mentions of degradation, Blood, Implied Smut

Disclaimer 2: This work of fiction contains Domestic Violence. If you have been a victim of DV please read at your own discretion. If you are in a DV situation please call 1-800-799-7233, of you’re unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you are in an emergency, call 911. There are also DV/IPV programs and shelters in your area who can help you. 

Disclaimer 3: Any of the shorts that are hot and steamy, I want to put out there that it's in no way disrespectful towards Vicki at all. I love her to death and respect that marriage between her and Misha. So when reading those shorts, know that it all takes place in an alternate world where they aren't married at all.

A/N: Sorry this is late. I have been hitting some sort of writing block. I have the words in my head but for some reason I can’t get them out. 

A/N 2: Tag your anyone who loves Misha! 

*18+ Content. Anyone younger than 18 will need to move along. I do not want to risk my account being deleted. 

**Please DO NOT copy and paste my work anywhere WITHOUT my permission and WITHOUT giving me the proper credit. I work way too hard on my work and don’t want it to get stolen.

***This work is also posted on Instagram, Wattpad, and AO3. Go show it some love over there.

****Please follow me on my other accounts Instagram, Wattpad, Twitter, and AO3

*****DMs are CLOSED for REQUESTS. I gotta finish up my other two projects. 

Forever Tags: @donnaintx​ @myinconnelly1​ @magssteenkamp​ @elansaidaris​ @hobby27​ @440mxs-wife​ 

I sit alone in the apartment, huddled on the couch. The fight had been bad this time. I mean, all fights with Diego were bad but, this one in particular had been pretty bad. I look around the trashed apartment and try not to replay the events that took place almost an hour before. The television was busted, a couple chairs had been thrown over, the mirror my mother had salvaged and repurposed for me was destroyed, glass was everywhere, and my grandmothers clock she passed down to me was busted up.

I don't know how I got here.

I don't know how I let it get so bad.

I slowly get up off the couch and watch my step all the way to the bathroom. I flip the light on and there, glowing bright red, on my face is the handprint of my husband. The throwing of things has been going on for a couple years. Hitting is new and Diego never hit me until recently. I should have left him months ago. Maybe even years ago.

After that first hit.

It was after a Christmas party at his office. We got into a fight about me talking to his co workers and about the dress I wore. He said he had been embarrassed by it all. I'm the stand you ground type of woman who snaps back. The moment I had snapped back, was the moment Diego hit me. Diego has been surprised so he left for the evening. I should have just packed and left. I didn't, I waited an apology that never really came and when it did, I knew he didn't mean it.

Tonight, it was about the fact I went out with a few friends and forgot about dinner for Diego. When I came home with take out, he lost it. Called me every name in the book. Threw things and hit me and left.

I slowly touch the already welting mark. I suck in a sharp breath when my cool hand touches the raw skin. It stings so bad that even my tears make it sting. I look at myself again in the mirror. "How pathetic," I whisper to myself. "How pathetic of you to have stayed this long over a boy that can't handle his anger. That's going to change."

I walk out of the bathroom to the room Diego and I share together. I head straight towards the closet and pull out a duffle back and begin to fill with the important things. Clothes. Some shoes. Bathroom and shower necessities. I swap out purses, leaving both my car keys and phone in my old one. I can't risk having Diego try looking for me. I log into my bank account and change every security question and answer. I close my eyes. I never thought I would need to do this yet here I am.

I look around the apartment one last time. My eyes land on the photo from our wedding day. I grab it and rip the picture from the frame. I take a lighter and set it ablaze in the kitchen sink with a few other photos. Taking a deep breath, I finally make my exist from the apartment.

I walk to the nearest bus stop and wait for the bus to show up. Even in the dark it's difficult to hide my swollen face from the world. So I keep it down and tucked behind the collar of my coat. When the bus finally shows up, I get on it and pay my fair. I go sit in the back and ride it all the way to where I need to get off. The ride is quiet. A few people stare at me when they catch sight of my face. I turn away from them and keep my face hidden away. I stare at my bags and think, this is all I have now. A few clothes, money, these bags, a few personal items, etc.

The bus stops and I quickly grab my bags and get off. I turn this way and that looking for the building I need to go into. I spot it, It's hidden behind some trees and another bus stop across the street. I make my way across the street and into the police station.

There is a lady sitting at the front desk. It looks like she's packing up to go home. She gives me a friendly smile and sets her bag aside.

"What can I do for you?" She asks. I see her zero in on the mark on my face and the look in her eyes looks like she's about to cry. "I think I know what papers you need." She turns and leaves the area and returns with a few papers in her hands. She slowly hands me the papers and a pen. "Do you need a safe place to fill these out? Theres a room I can take you to."

I nod, I want to cover as much of my trail and steps as I can. Diego is a smart man. He will soon learn I left him and will soon come looking for me. The lady walks me to a room with a table. She tells me that she won't close the door because some people in my situation get triggered. She walks to the officer that is sitting at a desk across the way and tells him something while pointing to me. The officer looks at me and then nods to the woman.

I look down at the Order of Protection and Restraining Order papers and take a deep breath. When I start to fill the paper out, I notice that I am still wearing my wedding ring and band. I take them off and set them in my bag. As I finish my paper work, I slowly get up and walk out of the room. The officer sees me and slowly approaches me.

"I can take care of this for you," He says reaching for the paper. "Now how about we get some ice for that mark and have a look to make sure it isn't more than raw skin." The officer sits me down and leaves. When he comes back he has a small ice pack and places it on my face. The cool pack feels so nice.

"I have a question," I say as the officer pulls out a first aid box and starts to look at my face.

"Yeah?" he responds.

"Is there a way to put in your system that I am not a missing person but on the run from my husband?" I flinch when the officer wipes my face with the alcohol wipe.

"Sorry," He starts to apply an antibiotic to my face. "If or when your husband comes to us looking for you, our system will actually show that these orders are on him. What will happen is that they will take your information and tell him he has two days until you are declared missing. In that time frame he would have been served with the restraining order." The officer puts a large band aid over my face.

"Good," I say.

"How long?" the officer asks.

"Long enough to finally say fuck it and leave his ass."

***

A few days pass. I'm staying at a hotel and paying by the day. I purchased a brand new phone and got a new number. I called my parents and told them what was going on. They were mad and sadden by the situation but are happy that I got out when could. I got word from my officer friend that the restraining order was delivered but he said that Diego didn't look happy.

A week passes and I am still staying at the hotel. Not many apartments won't rent to me until I'm legally separated from Diego. I meet with a lawyer to have divorce papers drawn up and served to him but according to her, once the papers were signed, it would take a few months for them to be filed.

"Now all we need to do is get you two in here to sing these?" the lady says.

"About that," I fold my hands. "I have a protection order and restraining order on him."

The lawyer nodded her head. "I see. Well, I will have someone deliver to him and see if he will sign them. Just be prepared," She reaches for my hand and takes it in hers. "Some men like him, they will stall this as much as they can to get you to meet in person."

I nod. "I understand, in that case, if I have to meet him, I will have someone I trust with me."

As predicted, a week later, the lawyer calls me ups and tells me that Diego refuses to sign. Says I'm having a mental breakdown and needs to just come home so we can work it out. The lawyer also mentions that Diego had said that I'm lying about him throwing things that it's all me and that he only hit me in self defense because according to him, I slapped him before he slapped me.

I sit back in my hotel room in hot anger. I can feel the steam of my anger coming off my skin. I'm angry he won't sign the papers. I'm angry he started to make up shit about me. But jokes on him, I kept a private album on my iCloud of all the times he hit me. It my friends idea, she encouraged me to document it all somewhere where he doesn't know the password to. She passed away about a year ago from getting hit by a drunk driver.

"I'm going to need a printer," I say looking at the countless pictures of abuse.

***

The next day I go out and purchase a decently priced printer. And a decent laptop since everything was on my phone. As i'm walking down the street back to my hotel, with my things, I find myself falling onto hands and knees. The printer box rolled a few feet from me. I hope it isn't damaged, I think slowly sitting back on my knees and just staring at it.

"Oh my goodness," a voice says. "I am so sorry."

I look up to see a man with a ragged hair, black sunglasses, a black t-shirt with a jean jacket over it, and dark skinny jeans reaching down to help me up to my feet. I take his hand and slowly get to my feet. I notice the scruff framing the rest of his face. The sun shines perfectly behind him and I can't help but feel drawn to him.

"I should have watched where I was going and make sure there wasn't a beautiful woman carrying a large object," the man says turning to pick up my printer. "Doesn't look damaged from the outside."

I smile and feel my face burning. I'm sure it's bright red. "It's okay, I should have called an Uber instead of walking three blocks. I'm sorry about your coffee." I gesture to the fallen cup and spilled contents on the sidewalk. "Let me buy a new one."

The man laughs and waves a free hand. "No need to waste your money on my accident."

"What can I do?" I ask after I made sure my laptop box was fine.

"How about you let me help you with this so another person doesn't run into you?"

Taking a deep breath, I accept the strangers offer.  We walk the last block talking about the city. When we get to the hotel, this man offers to carry the printer all the way up to the room. Didn't even question if I was living there.

"Thank you for doing this," I tell him as he sets the box on the small table.

"Anything," he smiles. "And when you are ready to search for apartments I know of a few good ones."

I give a small smile. I guess it's obvious that I was living in the hotel. "Thanks," I watch as he walks himself to the door. "I did never get your name." I call after him.

"Misha," he smiles. "Collins."

***

A month goes by and I am no longer looking like a crazy person after submitting all my pictures to my lawyer. Still Diego refuses to sign the papers unless he can meet with me alone. Of course I say "fuck no."

"If you want to be rid of him forever, then you have to compromise," my lawyer tells me.So I makes plans for the inevitable. But I have my officer buddy tagging along with me to the meeting.

I stare at the divorce papers and I am praying Diego will sign them at our meeting. But I doubt it. Ever since I left him, I started to see the red flags. Even friends that I still have and that haven't been manipulated by Diego, have told me they saw the way he treated me and spoke to me.

I need fresh air.

I get out of the hotel and walk to the the nearest park. It has a lake right in the middle of it. I rest my arms on the railing and then drop my head on my arms. This is more stressful than when I planned a wedding with Diego. I'm closing a door on almost seven years of marriage.

Diego was never like this. Even when we dated for five years. He was always so sweet, so kind, understanding, etc. He would buy me flowers for no reason. My apartment would be covered in them and I would tell him that I would donate some to nursing homes just to make room. I don't know what snapped in Diego to make him the way he was now.

Sighing I look up and stare at the lake. There is a small flock of ducks swimming passed me. Their color feathers shine in the afternoon. It puts a smile on my face. Something that is hard for me to do lately with everything going on.

"I was wondering when that smile would come," a familiar voice makes me turn to my left. There, a few feet away from me, Misha stands. I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left my hotel after giving me his number.

A number I never called or texted.

I had too google him to see if I could find anything on him. Well, I found a crap ton on him. An actor who did a crap ton of good. He is loved by millions.

"How long have you been standing there?" I ask. Another smile creeping onto my face.

"Not long," he says walking closer to me. "Just long enough to see that frown turn upside down." He gives a small smile. "Are you still at that hotel?"

I chuckle. "I am, I haven't had the time to look at apartments. I've been preoccupied trying to get my soon to be ex-husband to sign divorce papers."

Misha leans up on the railing along side me and looks at the ducks. "Maybe he's holding out to want to try and work things out with you?"

I laugh. "No, he's abusive and isn't having it with me being in control of myself now. The night I left him, it was really bad. It took a while for the mark he left on me to go away. Then he tried to convince my lawyer that I was having a mental breakdown."

"I'm sorry," Misha pulls back from the railing and pulls out his wallet and shows me a penny. "Here's to him signing the papers so you can officially be free of him." He tosses the penny into the water. "Are you doing anything, tomorrow?" He asks.

"Besides meeting Diego to get him to sign papers? No." I answer twiddling my thumbs.

"How about after you meet with him, I take you to look at apartments?" He leans towards me with a smile. "I can get you a really good deal. I'll even drive, so we don't have to walk."

"Sure."

***

"He's late," Xander says stirring his now cold coffee. Xander is the officer that helped me the night after  I left Diego. Xander was also the one who helped set me up at the hotel I'm staying at. Xander's wife, was a domestic violence victim and he was the officer that pulled his ex husband off her. They didn't get hook up until a year later when they ran into each other. They have been married for almost ten years with two kids.

"Just give it a few minutes," I say contemplating buying another coffee eying the divorce papers on the table.

Five minutes later, Diego waltz into the Starbucks and spots us. A smile spreads across his face when he sees me. Then it instantly fades when he sees Xander. He crosses the little shop in a few short strides. His black shoes squeaking from the rain outside.

"So," he sits down and crosses his arms. "Is this who you left me for? Some wanna a be body builder."

Xander smirks. "No, I'm actually a police officer. Since YN here has a few orders drawn up on you it's best that she have the right protection. Even in a public place." I notice that as Xander leans over he has his badge in his hands.

Diego looks over to me. "Can' you stop being so dramatic about this? So that we can just do this alone"

"Not ever going to happen," I say firmly. "And I'm not dramatic. Not about you hitting me."

The look in Diego's eye's grows dark but he puts on a fake smile. "I would never hurt you," He looks around as a few people over heard what I said. "I can't believe you're still on that."

"Look," Xander leans back and pushes the papers towards Diego. "All YN needs you to do is sign these. This game you're trying to play, just keeps hurting her."

Diego stares at Xander. "I don't think I will." He pushes the papers back and starts to get up. "Until next time."

"You're just going string this along aren't you?" I stood up so fast that Xander's coffee spilled. "I don't want to be married to you anymore. I stopped wanting that when you threw the first book and kicked a hole in the wall. I stopped when you hit me. I just let it go on for so long that I forgot how to not walk on eggshells. You don't own me. I don't love you. So sign the fucking papers."

Diego stares at me. I hadn't realized, but I pretty much yelled. I gather my bag and make my way out. Xander follows me.

"Hey," He hands me the papers. "Do you need me tot drive you back?"

"No, a friend is picking me up," I pull my phone out and text Misha. "He should be meeting me in a few minutes. He's taking me to look at apartments."

***

Another month goes by and I'm moved into my new apartment. All thanks to Misha and his ways of persuasion. I got the first six months half off. It was a nice little one bedroom apartment with a little den. Misha even convinced me to let him buy the furniture sets I had my eye one in a catalog.

"I'm just use to working hard for stuff like this," I say when the last of the movers move the stuff in. "I literally don't know how to thank you. Even just saying 'thank you' doesn't seem to be enough."

Misha laughs. The laugh takes up his entire body. "Just a simple thank you would be enough. Unless you want me to come up with a way to convince you to let me take you out to dinner. As friends of course."

I feel my cheeks start to burn. This dude is smooth. "Okay, dinner, as friends, it is."

Misha smiles big. "Awesome, now lets get this place looking as good as you."

For the next two days, Misha is over helping me settle down in my apartment. Whenever he leaves for food or whatnot, he always comes back with something to add to the place. I didn't even argue once.

The time I spent with Misha, he always hyped me up for stuff, he said things how it was and never ever sugar coated things, he held doors open, and gave me words of encouragement whenever I told him that Diego, again, refused to sign papers over.

Diego not signing papers was frustrating. The more time I spent with or talking to Misha, the more my feelings for him grew. But I was still tied to the asshole of a man who knew what he was doing. He knew of my interactions with Misha, he always brought it up but I would shut it down.

"He's just using you for public gain," Diego would tell me. But I knew Misha pretty well at this point. Things I've read on Twitter about him, Misha would never use someone like that.

Each meeting I had with Diego, I started to see him for who he really was. I don't even know how I fell in love with him. He's even gotten his parents convinced that I'm a lunatic. His mom would text me calling me all sorts of names and telling me that I should be the one paying for Diegos therapy sessions. She would also tell me that she knew I was trouble when he brought me home to meet them. His father wanted me to pay back every dime he had spent on mine and Diegos wedding or he would get a lawyer involved. He would even send disturbing texts saying that he's got people watching me and that I should be be careful.

I won't lie, that scared the shit out of me.

That last one pissed Misha off. I have never seen him go off about someone before. After that text, I went out and put restraining orders on Diegos parents and Misha convinced me to have someone look after me while he was gone for his show. I agreed and my new 'bodyguard' went with me everywhere and made sure I got home safe. Misha even hired a security company to set up an alarm system at my apartment.

If I didn't know better, Misha was or has developed some kind of feelings for me.

***

A year after I made my escape from Diego, I finally have my own car. Paid for all on my own. So no more walking. I park my car in my apartment parking spot and pull out my phone. I see the text from Misha, it's from an hour ago. His flight is delayed and that he would see me at some point tomorrow.

"Bummer," I lay back and watch as George, the bodyguard, pull his car into the parking spot behind me. I unbuckle and get out and watch as George do the same. Before I could get a word out, I see two police cars come up and two officers run passed me.

I slowly turn around and watch them run up to my level. My heart beats fast and I follow them. George, of course follows as well. I skip the steps two at a time and watch as one officer kicks my down. I hear yelling and banging around. Suddenly, George has both his hand on my shoulder and pulling me back as an officer finally come out.

With Diego in handcuffs. His nose is bleeding and a bruise is already forming on his face.

I pull away from George and run into my apartment. There standing in the middle of the room was the other officer talking to Misha. Misha has a busted lip and small gash on the side of his head. I notice that the glass bowl that Misha got me was in pieces and the coffee table was destroyed.

Misha sees me and I rush over to him. "Oh my gosh," I take hold of his face. "Are you okay?"

"Are you the lady who lives here?" the officer asks.

"Yes, and this is my friend," I don't my eyes off Misha.

"And the gentleman we arrested?"

"That's no gentleman," my voice is hard. "That is my abusive soon-to-be ex-husband. He has a restraining order on him."

The officer puts her note pad away. "That will explain a lot. We will contact you if we need anything else." With that, the officer left.

"Everything is all good?" Georges voice makes me turn around.

"Everything is good, George," Misha says. "You can go."

After George leaves I turn back to Misha. "You said you're flight had been delayed. What happened?"

Misha leads us to the couch and we sit down. "I only said that so I can surprise you. I hadn't been here for even an hour before he broke in. He wanted to know where you were and I wouldn't tell him. I guess a neighbor called 911 due to the yelling and stuff. Officer saw my stuff and I said my friend lives here and is letting me stay with her."

I nod my head. "I'm just happy you're okay. I don't know how Diego found me."

"It doesn't matter," Misha takes my hand. "He will answer for it in court.

And Misha was right. A week after everything went down, Diego was charged with breaking and entering, assault, and basically breaking the restraining order by stalking. I sat in during the hearing with Misha. Diego's parents tried to fight the five year sentence but the Judge said that if they said anything else before court ended he would double it without parole.

A few weeks after that, I am getting dinner ready when Misha shows up. He had been showing up a lot lately. I don't mind it at all, Misha makes me feel sane and safe.

"Hey," Misha says setting his coat on the couch. "I see that new coffee table came."

"It did, thanks to you," I say pulling a second plate down. I've learned to make a bit extra whenever Misha came over. "Also, I have some good news." I point to the orange envelope on the table. Misha looks at it and then back at me.

"Did," he starts to say.

"He sign it?" I finish his question. "Yeah, he called saying he will sign it. So I dropped by and had them take the paper to him to sign. I wasn't going to see him. They brought it back all signed. I am mailing in the morning."

"That's amazing, YN," Misha comes up to me and hugs me.

"Well, let's celebrate with dinner."

After dinner, after we clean up, we are sitting on the couch. Talking about whatever came to mind. We are talking about things we are still embarrassed by when Misha takes my hand.

"YN," He says softly. "I want to tell you something."

"Sure," I put my free hand on over his.

"I...I really care about you and I am glad that it was me here and not you when Diego broke in," Mishas voice is soft still. "I honestly don't know what I would do if you were here and he hurt you. All I ever wanted was for you to be safe."

"And I am," I slowly rub his hand with my thumb.

We stare at each other for what feels like forever when Misha pulls his hands from mine and put them on my face. His eyes look search mine for permission but I lean closer to him and brush my lips over his. He closes his eyes and I feel the shiver run through his body.

His gentle grip on my face forces my face back to his where his lips wait. They're smooth and there's a lot of passion behind his kiss. My hands run up to his collar as I move closer to him. The kiss deeps and Mishas hands trail down my sides to my hips where he pulls me onto his lap. It makes it easier for my tongue to push pass his lips and into his mouth.

Without breaking the kiss and with a low growl, Misha stands up, both arms supporting me as he walks us to the bedroom. Kicking the door shut.

[red-radish14]

How To Get Away With Murder

Authors Note:

No real-life acts were committed to persuading me to write this story, it is all fictional and written off the top of my head, no mental or physical attributes were caused to have premeditated planning on this, this felt like a very interesting story to write, there is graphic detail in this story if sensitive please do not read.

If you or someone you know is/are thinking about committing an act of violence upon you or others please call 911 and get help immediately!! They will be able to find the right resources and betterments for you!!

Thanks and reviews are always appreciated!! :)

Word Count: 2.2k

--

Average Life for an average girl:

December 31st, 1979

7:01pm

Hi, I'm Blaire, Blaire Helms, thinking that no one is going to read any of this I have made a resolution to start journaling my life. Even if no one ever saw this, it would be nice to look back and read what I had in mind for the years to come. Let me start out with who I am. I'm a 17-year-old girl from Topeka Kansas, I live with my mother and twin brothers in an apartment downtown. My brothers, Jack and Elliot, are star players on the high school football team. And well, my mother, she is a waiter at the cafe on the main street. We don't have much here at home, and having to scrounge for money to buy a $15 journal had been a struggle for the past few weeks. Me on the other hand, I'm 5'6" with long brown hair and big green eyes. School before winter break was tough, I get bullied a lot, and making friends is a bit of a challenge for me. My brothers don't make it any easier for me either, they sometimes even send random classmates to come to bully me in the smoking pit. Yeah yeah, I know, before you get all Nabby about me smoking I know that it's bad for you, but, I'm 17 how bad could it get. Being a junior in high school isn't all that rough though. I'm an average C student with average teen life. To end on a good note, I finally had enough money saved for the dance on the 13th. Well, it is a welcome back dance for all the kids who passed 1st semester. I just hope no trouble endured like last year, having my head dumped into the punch bowl was not pleasant. Expect more from me in the future. Until then.

-Blaire Helm

7:56pm

--

Smoking Pit Disaster:

January 7th, 1980

5:23pm

Today was hell, when I woke up my brother Elliot had clogged the toilet and flooded the whole bathroom, and just left it there, I was always the last one to leave the house and there was no time to clean it up. I had to get ready at school, about 15 minutes later and once I had left the restroom it was straight to the smoking pit to skip 1st period. There were always a few girls down there and they weren't very talkative, they always just sat and smoked for the whole hour, no breaks in between. As I was smoking you literally won't believe who came down to bother me, Mason Palmer. Mason was the hottest guy in school, he was also the biggest jerk of the school. He was famously popular among anyone in the city and always had a few remarks in his sleeve. after a few minutes of smoking and getting paper balls profusely thrown at me, Mason had jumped down into the pit and proceeded to taunt me. After the taunting, he had kicked my side causing me to drop my cigarette onto my leg. He then left laughing at his buddies. About 30 minutes after the beating I had left to go to 2nd period. Walking through the hallway trying to cover the burn hole in my jeans, I ran into Mason. He had grabbed my backpack and threw it at one of his buddies that had taken off with the bag. He then pushed me down and walked away, leaving me with no supplies, and I had returned to the smoking pit for the remainder of the day. Hopefully, this week would get better before the dance on the 13th. If it doesn't, I'll just have to stay home. But, until next time.

6:17pm

- Blaire Helm

--

Sam's Club Shopping Spree:

January 11th, 1980

9:12pm

Today I had to go shopping for bulk food supplies at Sam's Club. It was the cheapest place where we could go to buy a lot of items for less money. It was only the 2nd time I had to go shopping there and I was bored out of my mind. As I was shopping today I picked up the usual items we needed. Macaroni, ramen, chips and lots more. In the back of my mind somewhere I needed to get some cleaning supplies, I don't know why but I bought some anyway. a 4 pack of bleach bottles, 16-pack sponges, 2 3-gallon mop buckets, 8 pack of paper towels, and some sterile gloves. I felt like I needed to clean the whole house. After I was done shopping I decided to stop by Walgreens to pick up some pain killers for my back, it's been so horrible lately, they'll knock me out in a second if I'm not careful. Once I got home, I left the cleaning supplies in my car until I needed them and brought the other groceries inside. Being usual teenage boys my brothers decided to help none and pretend to be each other for a day, I guess it's a normal thing identical twins decide to do. Oh, and about Mason, he hasn't shown up to school for the past 2 days because he's been too busy suit shopping for the dance. This isn't prom, I guess he's wanting to fuck some chick in the back while everyone else is sipping on watered-down punch. Well, I'll let you guys know how the dance goes, all I'm wearing is a hand-me-down loose tee with some black jeans. Wish me luck.

10:02pm

- Blaire Helm

--

Till Death Do Us Part:

January 13th, 1980

5:43 am

Guys, I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere right now. Why is this happening, this can't be happening? It started with the stupid fucking dance. I walked into the gym, grabbed my punch, and boom Mason was right there, he had poured his punch all over me and pushed me causing me to slip and fall hitting my head. I had gotten up asking him what he wanted from me. Suddenly he grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the side of the bleachers. He had pinned me against the wall and told me I had to do whatever he wanted me to do. I had agreed and asked him if I could run out to my car to get dried, he agreed and after some time I was back into the gym. Mason had gotten a new cup of punch and came over to dance. I had played around and danced along with him. Mason left to go pee after some dancing and asked me to hold his cup. While Mason was gone, I had grabbed some of those painkillers from the car and slipped some into his drink. Mason had returned and started drinking his punch, fast, like he was dying of dehydration. He started falling asleep so, I asked him if he wanted to go to the storage closet to have some fun. He had followed me in there, pinned me down, and I stabbed him. I had must've stabbed him 100 times, blood was everywhere. I panicked, I had shut off the lights and locked the door. It must've been hours but no one looked for us, once the last person left the school I knew what I needed to do with Mason. I had dragged his body out to my car and laid him in the backseat on top of my wet clothes, all of his blood had drained out onto the floor of the gym. I had grabbed the cleaning supplies I bought from Costco earlier and cleaned. it must've taken me an hour. I had grabbed all the trash and stuffed it into the back of my car. The closet was as clean as it was before the murder. And now I'm out here in the middle of fucking Kansas, 125 miles from where I live. Now, what do I fucking do?

7:24 am

- Blaire Helm

--

Pitched Out:

January 14th, 1980

3:36 pm

I had decided I needed to do something with this body or it was going to rot in my car minute by minute. I had stopped at a gas station to pick up 30 lbs of raw meat and some new clothes without being questioned and afterward, I had gone a bit off-roading miles away from the road and found a place to park and deal with it. My mother loved to Garden and so happens the day before she had left most of her gardening stuff in the car, so I got to digging. I had created dirt stairs and dug 12ft down. I had stripped Mason down to his skin and set his clothes aside. I had placed him into the hole. I covered him up with about 6 ft of dirt, and placed the raw rotting meat above, covering it with the remaining dirt, patted it out, and made it look natural. I had found some school papers from my car and tumbleweeds laying around to create a fire.  I stripped down to my skin and proceeded to throw everything I had used to kill Mason into the fire, letting it burn. After the fire was done burning I picked up the ashes and brought them with me back to a small pond a few miles down the road. I had thrown the ashes into the pond, watching them disintegrate, and jumped in the pond myself to wash up all the blood. While I was in the pond I had realized what I've done. While drying off I burst into tears and begged God for forgiveness. Afterward, I had set myself on home, sitting here now at a gas station, only 25 miles away from my house.

4:17 pm

- Blaire Helm

--

The Party:

January 17th, 1980

8:57 pm

A watch party had started for Mason and I had joined along with them in search for him. I knew what I did, and I knew nobody was going to ever find him. I know that because it's a fact. The rotting meat will attract the dogs, the police dig it up and realize it's just some animal remains, and continue searching. There are no fingerprints or clothes to find because they are burnt. The ashes are dissolved into nothingness. And it's in the middle of Kansas in a desert, anyone could've done it. The school gym is cleaned like brand new, it's all planned. After the search party, I had stopped by Mason's house to see how his parents were doing. His mother and father could not stop crying. Soon I was "crying" and told them I needed to leave to get home to do some homework. I had gotten home and lost my mind, I was upset that I did such a thing. I had started laughing when realizing that I had gotten away, a murder undetected, a master plan successfully accomplished. But for how long.

9:10 pm

- Blaire Helm

--

Dumped Down:

April 18th, 1980

1:02 pm

It's been 3 months since I've killed Mason, the parties are over, and everyone is moving on like he was still out there missing. I knew what had happened, I've visited where I had buried him a few times since that night, It upsets me. A lot is going through my head lately. One of these days or years they are going to find him and I will be fucked, I can't live knowing I had killed a man. So sitting here in my bedroom I've come up with a plan, We are going to paint the walls, to have a fresh new start. I will load up the paintbrush and get to painting. The room is going to have small specks of red, it suits me best. But I've got to admit that I lived my life up to its fullest. Lighting up a cigarette and placed the paintbrush in the palm of my hand. I'm gonna set it down and I'll let you know how the room turns out tomorrow. I had left a note on the counter for my mother and my brothers, it's basically telling them to not come in until the paint dries, well I'll write later, Goodbye.

3:46 pm

- Blaire Helm

--

Roses:

Blaire Helm

Sex: F

DOB: 08/23/1963 (17)

Hgt: 5'6"

Eyes: Green

Cause of death: Suicide

DOD: 04/18/1980

We had responded to a report of a teenage suicide yesterday night, a distraught mother had dialed 911 crying about her daughter being dead. When police arrived at the scene it was in fact Blaire Helms in her small apartment bedroom. She was lying on her left side with a gunshot wound to her right side of her face, the shotgun laying behind her back and the walls dusted in blood. No one knows why Blaire had committed suicide, people usually called her sweet and caring. No suicide note was found and police are still investigating the scene of the crime.

Drug reports:

Cotinine: 45mg

Alcohol: 1.4oz

Adderall: 75mg

Tylenol: 1200mg

Subject transferred to autopsy room for opening, nothing found within the patient, the mother will soon arrive to finish the paperwork.

- M.D Green

--

Another Author's Note:

I really hope you guys enjoyed this story, I spent only a few hours on it so it's not professionally done, again pls call 911 if you or someone you think might consider suicide or committing a crime. Thanks again, take care

- L.L

[some-thrilling-heroics]

thank you for tagging me @basmathgirl 😊💛 this is handy with new followers *waves*

name/nickname: you can call me stormy or i guess mom / mama hen, some ppl also call me granny lol

gender: as of this month officially 🎉 agender yay! ✨🎊

star sign: scorpio

height: 1.58 m

time: 22:53

birthday: 13.11

favourite bands: look, usually i like 1-3 songs per singer / band and the rest is trash, some are a bit better and maybe have like 6 songs i will listen while i ignore the rest of discography - with that in mind, i do like the ‘greatest hits’ of 80s, 90s and 00s bc that’s when i was growing up and the radio was on lmao; also like some shanties, and as for actual band names: e nomine, imagine dragons, the irish rovers, yanni (does he count as a band when he plays with a whole bloody orchestra? but dammit look at how HAPPY they look when they play!!!!! )

favourite artists: wow that is so vague... hmm sorry im blanking

last movie: “Jingle Jangle” (it wasn’t spectacular but it also wasn’t horrible)

last show: been rewatching BBC ghosts, 911 Lone Star and POSE in the past few days

when did I create this blog: ........when was the first hobbit movie released? sometime around that time

what do I post: queer stuff, fandom, cats and other animals, mental health and abuse related stuff, and all kinds of educational posts and resources

last thing you googled: ODAAT - and i still am super confused bc apparently pop tv cancelled them too and they look for another place, but also another page says tomorrow premieres another ep so i am a bit frustrated and sad for a great show 😭🤧😩

other blogs: used to have LJ (still probably exists) and DW but that was just backup to LJ posts, I used to run a blog like on some blog domain lmao (i know, so specific) that was 100% personal posts and things but that was long ago and idk if it exists still or maybe they deleted it

why I chose my url: i wanted a thing that didn’t scream a specific fandom right away bc i wanted it to last and i know i hop fandoms like a bunny on steroids; the actual thing is a quote from the show firefly

average hours of sleep: ideally around 9 and usually i do my best to go to bed to have at least 8

lucky number: 13

what am I wearing: purple tank top with grey sweatpants (huh, ace colors without planning lol)

dream job: never had one but I do enjoy what i do

dream trip: scotland, south of spain, would love to go back to greece for a proper visit, totally open to other destinations

favourite food: i suppose depends on the mood but turkey, plum soup, croquettes (ideally homemade), pizza (bacon, shrooms, corn on top), and more

nationality: 😩🤢😒😭😡 (that is all I’m gonna say on the matter)

favourite song: lmao, no such thing *EDIT* YES, BC I ALWAYS REC PPL THIS ONE FROM ABOVE - THE YANNI SONG LINKED ABOVE XD

last book read: as in finished? lemme check....  The Hate U Give (The Hate U Give, #1)

top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: middle earth (except not really bc i do like my indoor plumbing and internet but i do enjoy fantasizing abt being a hero on a quest), doctor who (aliens, people! who cares i would die in the first 5 mins bc i am not able to do that much running) and let’s go... hmm.... a weird mix of btvs and shadowhunters except i wanna be a slayer and i need vampires and werewolves and witches / warlocks but you can keep the shadowhunter dictatorship (then again we would need an antagonist...)

gonna tag: @brokenfannibal @lewispanda @shunthepotato @curlycutiepetunia @fangirl--extraordinaire @tothetrashwhereibelong 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #350

“let’s play a love game, play a love game  /  do you want love, or you want fame?  /  are you in the game?”

Who was your first good kiss with? Jason. Would you kiss this person again? I know I fucking would and I hate it more than I could possibly express. Name something that is on your bedroom wall? Lots of artwork, mostly of meerkats. What accessory do you want in your bedroom? I need another desk to put stuff on. If you could paint your walls any color what would it be? Something pastel. Maybe like, peach. Soft and warm and would really bring light to the room. What does your phone case look like? It's just this boring purple one that came with the phone. What do you take the most pictures of? My camera roll says my pets, hahaha. What is the point of Twitter for you? Liking Mark's shit lmao. What does your planner look like? I don’t have one. If you get into an argument what is it usually about? My anxiety, I think. What are you always in the mood for? Ummm probably a car ride where I can control the music in the passenger seat. It is very, very rare I'll turn that opportunity down. What’s the last emergency you dealt with? I don't really know; I'm thankfully not in these situations very much, especially when you're cooped up at home. I probably haven't been actually engaged in an emergency since I had to call 911 for my mom before she found out about her cancer. She was basically immobile from agony in her abdomen. Do you have a son? I'm perfectly happy without a son, or kids period. Are you married? No. Have you ever worn a suit? I haven't. Have you ever had to call 911? Twice for Mom. How many keys are on your key-ring? Just one for the house. What’s the last thing you created? An RP post would count as art creation, I'd say. Who are your closest friends? Sara, Girt, and uh... Well, they might be it as far as friends I consider truly close to me. I have a few other people I consider good friends, but we're just not like... on that "close" level, you know? Lisa is maybe another, and Lyndsey perhaps, both WoW friends. Are you ready to have a family? I hate that "have a family" tends to mean get married and have kids, which I'm guessing is what you're implying. If that's the case, no, given I don't want kids and am not fit to get married right now. I'm not even with anyone. I'm content right now with just living with my mom and my two pets, who are children well enough to me. Have you ever taken a DNA test? No. Do you have a family cemetery? No. Would you say you have a high sex drive or not so much? *shrugs* I think it's pretty normal. How do you feel about swallowing pills? What do you mean how do I "feel" about it? I just do it if I need to. What animal is the scariest in your opinion? Some kind of bug, probably. Giant centipedes creep me the fuck out, for one, and I've heard their bite is incredibly painful. I've also always been very afraid of Australia's funnel web spiders since watching some show on Animal Planet when I was younger; I think it scarred me for life, aha. And let's not forget the murder hornets. No thnx, rather die. :') Have you ever questioned your sanity? Way more than once, my friend. How do you feel about people wearing fur coats? Are you for or against it? I am VIOLENTLY against it unless it is for survival in extreme climates and you don't have access to other material. That aside, there is NO way you could possibly convince me that it's okay to wear the fur of something once living on yourself for ~fashion~. What’s the worst thing a friend has either done or said to you? Let's not go here. What’s fake about you? Like extensions, fake nails, botox etc. Nothing. If you got the chance, would you audition for a reality show? No. Have you ever gotten into a Facebook fight? Haha, yeah. Favorite flavor of jelly bean? Probably watermelon or strawberry. I'm not a massive jellybean fan. Do you use Tinder? If yes, have you ever met up with someone you matched? I've never tried it, no. What book/movie has made you cry the hardest? Either The Notebook or Titanic. Something you feared as a kid but don’t anymore? Thunderstorms. What’s your skincare routine? I don't really have one. Just wash it with water in the shower and then use a washcloth when I feel the need. Would you rather have a snake or a tarantula as a pet? I want both, but I prefer snakes. What is something you are NOT looking forward to? I both am and am not looking forward to my second Covid vaccine because it's notoriously worse than the first; the only bright side to it is that after the potential side effects blow over, I'm job hunting. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check the time on my phone. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? Hot, but I like both. Who taught you how to swim? Dad, I think? Can you do push-ups? No. Do you like Doritos? Yesssss. Who is the closest friend that you live by? I don't know. Have you ever banged your head against something? I've had two concussions before, so, y'know. Have you ever jumped on a trampoline? Yeah, I loved that as a kid. Do you like watching scary movies? Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that you have a big butt? No, considering I have like no ass, rip. Has one of your friends ever tried to "hook you up?" Ugh, yes. Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions? Landmarks, by a mile. Although, I'm super bad with directions, so it probably wouldn't really matter much. Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books? Yeah, you got to. Does your house have more than one fireplace? No. What was your favourite gym class moment? The one and only thing I liked about gym as a kid was when you took one of those rainbow tarps and made like, an air bubble underneath to make this awesome dome everyone sat in. Ya missed out if you didn't do that. Do you think that ocean boardwalks are fun? Yeah. Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks? Not at all; I was always flattered, knowing they cared enough to want mine. Apple Jacks: yay or nay? I looove those. Do you have a favorite Scooby-Doo movie? Haha yeah, I think it's the second one? Such iconic scenes. It's the one with the Mary Jane girl that Shaggy liked... oh, jokes that went over your head as a kid. Who were your last 3 Facebook messages from and what do they say? I'm too lazy to list the convos themselves, but the people involved are my friends Chelsea and Ian, as well as a friend's mother. Do you turn your phone off at night when you go to sleep? No. It's always on vibrate, and I just turn the brightness way down. What is the sexual orientation of the last person you talked to? She's straight. What’s your favourite hairstyle on the opposite sex? Don't you fucking dare laugh, emo hair is A++. Has anyone ever played a prank on you? What happened? Not a big one, no. Do you like the Silent Hill movies? Do I?! I love the first one (though for a while I wasn't very happy they swapped the lead role from Harry to his wife), and while the second is literal trash story-wise and it's ALL over the damn place, I still enjoy it with just how much I adore SH as a whole. What movie scared you the most out of any other movies? The Rite, because the concept of being raped and impregnated by a demon is fucking horrifying to me. Have you ever wanted to be on American Idol? When was this? Nah. Name 5 things you don’t believe in. 1.) "Everything happens for a reason;" 2.) karma; 3.) destiny/fate; 4.) psychics, fortune tellers, all that; and 5.) luck, at least in the sense of someone having set "good" or "bad" luck. If you could have any friend that you’ve lost back, who would you pick? Probably Megan. If you have pets, who normally puts food and water in their dish? Me for both of them. Do you organize the pictures on your computer into different folders or are they all just under “My Pictures”? I have folders. Do you think if someone is in a relationship, that it is acceptable to have sleepovers with other people of their preferred sex? Eh, nah, that feels a bit far to me. I am very firmly for friends still being able to hang out even if they're each other's preferred gender, but a sleepover sounds a bit too intimate, even without sharing a bed. Would you shoot a gun if given the chance? If you’ve shot a gun before, how many different types of guns have you shot? No. I'm very intimidated by guns and nearly shook when I merely handed a friend his (not for anything bad, he just carried it with him when he goes out), and I've got noooo plans of holding one again unless my life depends on it. Do you feel uncomfortable sharing things like artwork or poetry you’ve written? Is it because you don’t think it’s good enough to show off or because it’s too personal? You. Have. Zero. Idea. It's for both reasons, and it's far more severe in person. Online, I actually don't mind much, oddly enough... I can't quite pin down why. Do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? Why do you despise them? No. Do knives scare you? Is it from watching scary movies? Knives scare me like five times more than guns. Scary movies have nothing to do with it, though. They're just so sharp and the idea of being stabbed by one is terrifying. As someone with a history of self-mutilation too (not with knives, but I've thought about it and once planned to slit my throat with one, but Mom stopped me), they just make me incredibly uncomfortable to the point I can barely hold a "real" knife to just slice food. Have you ever climbed a chain-link fence? Many times. What is your LEAST favorite Disney animated movie? That I've seen, uhhhhh... I don't know man, there are way too many Disney movies lmao. Who was the last person’s house you went to besides your own? My sister's. On YouTube, who are two people you find hilarious? I'm just counting GameGrumps as one, and then you can't forget Shane Dawson, regardless of the controversy. He probably made me laugh more than any other YouTuber. Do you shave your pits? Yeah. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I don't think so. Besides the USA, what is your favorite country? I'm not nearly informed enough about foreign countries' politics and laws and mannerisms to have a favorite. Would you rather go to Europe or Asia? Europe. Would you rather go to Africa or Australia? Africa. Would you rather go to Mexico or Canada? Canada. Do you think emo/scene hair is attractive? I love emo and scene hair, don't @ me, it's cute as fuck. Have you ever seen a ghost orb picture? Lots, actually, at one of my old houses that I totally know was haunted. Do you think abortion should be illegal? NO. You would NOT end abortions. You would end SAFE abortions. Do any of your pets have strange habits? Explain? Venus, my ball python, is extremely odd with food to the point I sometimes worry about her, but she's always been this way and is healthy, so I guess it's nothing really worth fretting over. Anyway, when I place her rat in her terrarium, she gets excited first and will pretty much frantically examine her surroundings, like slithering around everywhere, and even when she has clearly found the rat (she'll even prod it with her snout), she usually won't immediately eat. She just like... sits there and has to continue to verify for ten minutes that it's food. I know it's thawed perfectly, btw. So anyway, THAT'S weird... As for Roman, dear god, that cat's just weird, lmao. Especially in the morning, he's very hyper and will bolt around the house sometimes, he "plays" with nothing all the time, he "meerkat"s at nothing that I can nothing, etc. etc. etc. He's a weirdo lol. Have you ever told an extremely inappropriate joke? Oh god, I said something really inapprops once when my friend Chelsea startled me. I won't be repeating it lmao. Who in life have you felt the strongest need to protect? Sara, I think. Who have you most feared in your life? My dad. He doesn't scare me anymore, but he did. What was the quickest friendship you ever made? Oh idk. What is the worst word anyone ever used to describe you? "Martyr." And not the kind that dies for their beliefs. It hurt me so badly to know someone thought of me that way, and I'll probably never let it go. If you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? No. Roman is one of the billion kittens born to the cats my sister's in-laws have, and Venus is from a ball python breeding business in Florida called The Gourmet Rodent (they sell f/t rodents too, obvs) Do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? Not really. My grandmother though, whew, that was her calling for sure. Have you seen any of the old James Bond movies? Nope. List all of your features that you have ever gotten compliments on: My hair, my eyes, my tattoos, my hands, I think my nose, my dimples, my smile, and my boobs lmao. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon? And if not, would you ever want to go in one? I haven't. I think it'd be kinda cool, but they seem too easy to fall out of, and I'm afraid of heights. I'd probably go in one if given the opportunity. Do you have any stains on your shirt currently? No, but there are two small rips. It's just an old tank top. Do you listen to local bands? No. Not that I'm opposed, I just don't know of any I really enjoy. Do you watch YouTube videos often? Many, many daily. Do your parents fight? Do they even talk at all? They're divorced; they used to fight a lot when they were together. Now they only talk if they have reason to. Have you ever watched a movie that's in a complete different language, so you had to read sub-titles? No. Do people with yellow teeth disgust you? Dude, fuck off, no. My teeth are kinda yellow, and I'm extremely self-conscious about it, so seriously fuck this question. You never know for sure why someone's teeth may seem yellowish. Do you drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve? Usually a drink or two. Do you wear rings? I always have two on, yeah. Are you hungry right now? No, I literally just ate a breakfast bowl. Have you ever tried smoking a cigarette? No; I haven't the slightest interest in doing so.

[juniebjoneswrites]

Bring Me Home // Harry Styles

The Bargain (3)

I'm making a bargain. Selling my soul, if you will. When it's late at the shop and Seb refuses my help with the trash I am left alone. Most nights are okay and he comes back in minutes, others he takes much longer. I wonder if the Devil himself can hear the war inside me and, and like children in a school yard, steals those moments of intimacy between the two of us. He pulls my braids and dares me to meet him under the kissing tree. We both know I'll go.

Maybe the trash bag rips, or the top of the dumpster is jammed so Seb can't open it immediately. Maybe he's frozen in his steps, unaware of the passage of time, so the big man downstairs can whisper sweet-nothings in my ear like a lover. I feel his breath against my neck, a romantic lullaby to drift me into surrender. I sip it like wine. It would only get better with age and I know he knows how to make it last. Maybe Seb can feel him in a witchy-way and refuses to come back until he deems it safe. Seb would survive this horror film, I on the other hand would be the first one to go.

Cue my opening scene: It's obviously raining and the wind howls. I'm reading some teen magazine I plucked from the register stand and have large headphones on. I'm bopping to some hit new song I've burned onto my new cassette. "I'm gonna take the trash out," Seb says, holding it up.

"Oh I can do it," I offer.

He waves me off, "I'm just as good as I ever was, child. Just do what you do best. Read that story and disrespect authority," I never said it was a well-written movie. He goes into the rainy night without another look. Now you might think, 'Well he's a goner. Never going to see him again," but you'd be wrong. In all these movies it's the people like him who stick around for a while. Hes a good man, married young, reads his bible, and abstained from sex before marriage (I assume.) That's the trope and if you don't believe me you can look it up. He also fought a war so it gives him brownie points.

Cut back to the banger i'm listening to and the scandalous story i'm sucking into my young adult brain like it's cigarettes in an extravagant 60's movie. I would be the leading lady's stand in who finally got the spotlight after an 'accident' happened on set. I digress. The song hits the chorus and everyone's jamming along but the battery to my cassette player dies mysteriously and I'm left in deafening silence. Then the pulsing, buzzing sound from the lights take over. Taking off my headphones it gets louder and louder, I flinch at the screeching. Just as I look up at them thinking my ears may bleed, a whole aisle of lights burst. Silence again. Silence so deep I forget it's raining. "Just great," I think. I pop my overly large bubble gum bubble and roll my eyes, setting the magazine down. I redo my top ponytail with my overly large scrunchie and grab a broom because I think I'll just sweep up the shards of glass littering the floor and call it a night.

As I approach the aisle the two remaining, dimmed lights that survived the blast dare me closer, promising light. We know they're lying. I glance up at them as if to call their bluff and I want to rip them down just to show them I can. I'm getting angry. I have only just realized I've been angry my whole life. Haven't I? I want to lie down and make myself a bed of glass for the release and think it over. My foot crunches over them and becomes embedded into my shoe. I angrily reach for the shelves for support to pull the shard from the rubber of my sole but I slice my hand on a large piece. Surely it wasn't there before? How could I have missed one of that size? I gasp and clutch it to my chest. "You could have at least warned me," I cursed the canned goods and cat food.

I turn around heading to the aisle with bandages and I could have sworn I saw something run behind the counter? I'm sure it was nothing. I rip open a box of gauze and wrap it around my hand like it's a war and I just have to make it back to the trenches to survive. I don't know where my trenches would be here, maybe the dumpster. Where is Seb?

Cut to Seb: He's dumped the trash in the dumpster and has headphones of his own on that we never saw him leave with. He's taking a cigarette break because this is an 80's horror flick and that's what they did back then. He's reading an old love story and certainly dreaming of his own lost love. He is completely unaware of his station's lights flickering on and off over the pumps even though he's using their light to read. It's okay, Seb, I'll keep myself safe. I'm armed with a broom after all, don't worry. It's only a little blood.

Back inside I've started sweeping the shards and keeping my eye on the shelves as well since this is a group insurgence and I refuse to be on the losing team again. I hum the song from earlier. Once I get to the chorus I forget my surroundings and close my eyes, singing to the broom, as one does. Making myself vulnerable to various attacks I realize I wouldn't survive an insurgence either. There's a noise behind me and I spin around to see nothing. No shadows behind the register, certainly no Seb, but still my neck prickles. I run my non-bandaged hand down the back of it and swear I can feel a breath. I spin around again and slip on a glass shard. I throw my arms around and grab hold of a shelf but there's no stopping this fall. The side of my head bangs against a sharp corner and I can immediately feel the bloody warmth on my face.

I am disoriented. My mind reels and I can't seem to catch up to my surroundings. I spiral through my mind for a reason, an answer. I can hear laughing but who is there? I see no one and still there is an unmistakable, deep laugh. A cold washes over me as I dig deep, deep, deeper for questions I can't remember, why can't I remember? This was more than a fall. I see shadows spreading at different angles, long and lean. I want to reach out for a hand but fear freezes me. I must look like the old woman in all of those Life Alert ads who's fallen near her bed. My mind gives me the only freedom I can muster and ask the questions they've all asked before me, "Who's there?" no answer. "Seb? Is that you?"

The laugh comes again. It's distorting and draining, dizzying and enticing. I want to hear it again. It obliges. There's something inviting in the way it slinks through the air as if it lives in it. I can feel it in my bones and I want to know it. The glass starts to shake and rattle and I think maybe an earthquake? Don't be stupid. Don't split up. Don't go in the basement. I know all these things and yet I find myself reaching for the glass as if it will transfer energy into me. Don't be stupid. Glass, crystalline, dusty old glass. Who knew it could be so enchanting? I squeeze it into my cut palm and watch the blood stain my wrappings. It laughs again. I feel drunk. "What do you want?" I half heartedly ask it. Isn't that what they always ask too? I can't remember anymore. I don't think I can remember a single thing other than what's in my hand. I don't think I really care.

"What do you want?" It asks back. Voice as smooth as velvet, alluring and demanding. I can see why the good always falls for the bad. I make no response, still thinking of nothing other than the glass in my hands. "Tell me," It says harsher.

The voice changes ever so slightly and I'm jolted from my nightmares. My mind releases and I can almost think. "What do I want?"

"Yes," it lulls me back.

"I want..." I squeeze the glass again, it shoots pains up my arm. "I want life,"

"You already have that," its voice takes on a melody.

"Not mine,"

"Someone else's?"

"Yes," My voice is syrup. "Give him mine," I cannot tell if I'm even speaking or thinking. My brain is slow. My body is molasses.

There's pounding on the stores glass doors and in an instant the shadows disappear. I can think again and I am cold all over. I hear the door swing open and Seb runs inside. He finds me slumped over on the ground, my face is bloody from the fall and my hand has completely bled through the gauze. He helps me up and over to the chair. He calls 911 and as they're on their way, sweeps up the glass. I want to tell him to be careful, to tell him that there's something over there but I can't speak. The words are stuck in my throat, sweet like honey. The only thing I'm left with are blurry memories and an overwhelming feeling of a thumb brushing my cheek seconds before Seb hit the doors. I open my hand and I find I'm still clutching the glass. The voice will find me again and we will make a deal.

I dream all this as Seb takes out the trash and, with every fiber of my being, I try to manifest it into existence. But the door opens and he comes back. I will try again tomorrow.

(1) / (2) / 3 / (4) / (5) / (6)

[lucycaitlin13]

Manipulation and Gaslighting

Do you ever just hear a song and instantly feel sad? That song tonight was Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley. I’m going to take a break from my journals this evening. I’d like to talk about unhealthy relationships I think. 

Most days I am happy or at least content with my life, but other days I hit some lows. They never last too long, but these are the days that I reflect on my past “relationships” and current lack thereof. 

I used quotes around relationships because 99% of them weren’t more than a man disappointing me and the other 1% was a mentally abusive relationship. I mean I’ve had one serious relationship in my entire life and it was fucking terrible. I have never been treated like a lady worth someone’s time and that really gets to me sometimes. 

Do you wanna know what I get to reflect on when I look at the men I’ve “talked to”? I get to think about scumbags from high school who were just looking to get their dick wet. Every single guy I did something with in high school took advantage of me because they knew I wanted a relationship.

See, I am someone who wants to actually find someone to spend my life with. I enjoy simple things like cooking dinner together and watching a movie. I want to go to a museum and look at art. I want to go to a bookstore and find a book and read together. I want easy and romantic. 

I gave my heart away too easily thinking, “Maybe this one will be good. Maybe they actually like me this time.” So I allow someone to smooth talk their way into my DM’s and I meet up and go on a “date” if that’s what you want to call it. 

Let me tell you about some of the “dates” I’ve been on because I clearly didn’t value my self worth. The Walmart parking lot, nature trail behind the school, driving around in a truck and ending up in the back, dugouts at football games, Lake Junaluska, Blue Ridge Parkway, and many other similar situations. 

Now, obviously I take some responsibility for allowing things to escalate. However, I was a teenage girl who just was hoping to find that “high school sweetheart” that every girl wants. So of course I let my hopes and feelings take charge because surely one of these boys would be “the one’. WRONG.

Not one boy in high school was anything more than a hookup. Some not even that. As far as I’m concerned, every boy lied to me to get what they wanted and then exited stage left. Poof. Never had a boyfriend in high school. Just a bunch of mistakes. You could say that I was easily manipulated because I was blinded by the lies I was being told. 

(By the way, I’m using the term hookup loosely. It doesn’t necessarily mean I slept with them. Could’ve just been a make-out session. But I digress.)

So I graduate high school and go to college. I have a fresh start where not everyone knows me. Surely someone will want to take me out! Nope. Nothing changed during that first semester. 

I moved home and sure enough, I started dating someone who I had known for a while previously. This person was much older than me (BIG mistake at age 18). Sure I was mature for my age, which a lot of people say that, but I wasn’t the normal 18 year old. I was just ready to settle. I’m an old soul and like I said, I like simple and easy.

This was my first and only real relationship and at first it was okay. I didn’t really have anything to base it off of as I mentioned previously that all the guys in my past were scumbags. So, to me, this is surely how relationships should be! 

But lets just look at some red flags that I should have noticed and probably did, but I ignored because I “fell” for this person. First off, when you catch someone in a lie, you should probably take it more seriously than how I did. I just blew it off because they were “sorry” and promised it wouldn’t happen again. 

I was kicked out in the middle of the night because another woman had called.. I’m sorry, what? Yeah, you heard that right. So I stormed out of the house and went home. But did I forgive him when he apologized a week later. YUP! This was a month into seeing this person and looking back, this was the point I should have ran! But I didn’t. 

I ended up moving in with this person; moving several times during our relationship. In the beginning I knew there was baggage and I thought I was okay with it. I clearly wasn’t.

Was I a perfect girlfriend? NOPE. I’m sure I wasn’t. I went through his phone and didn’t trust him. How could I fully trust someone who I repeatedly caught talking to other people etc? Guess I shouldn’t have been in a relationship if that was how I felt, but I was young and dumb. 

Over the 3 years, maybe a little less, that we were together, there were WAY more lows than there were highs. I was told yelled at that I was a “horrible, rotten cunt” while they were driving. He yelled so loud I thought the windows in the car would shatter. I was terrified, yet I apologized. Sex was rare. A month or so would go by without anything. Any time I tried to initiate anything, I was yelled at for bothering him. So, it was always on his terms. Yet I apologized for being a nuisance. 

I probably was annoying at times. I mean, I’m not perfect as I mentioned before. But things just got worse and worse. He would go out with his friends and drink, but I wasn’t old enough, so I stayed home. This was fine until I found out from people that he was flirting at the bars. Of course there was more fighting when this was brought up. And denial. So I apologized and dropped it. 

An old fling had Facebook messaged me one time just asking how I had been. I told him I was happy and about my boyfriend. I left this open on the desktop and was screamed at when he picked me up from class that night. I was forced to message him and tell him that I wasn’t allowed to talk to him anymore and to block him. I was then thrown on the floor. Yet I kept apologizing repeatedly for how sorry I was.

So many little things happened in between all of this. From his junkie friend moving in with us because he was “helping her get back on her feet” and trying to help her stay clean. This wasn’t a choice I had any say in. I was told it was happening. To him calling one of my best friends a bitch and tried to fight with her. But every time we fought, I apologized because it was my fault, right?

Then the beginning of the end.. I started finding things in our home that didn’t belong there. Items that belonged to a mutual friend. I questioned this and of course here came a bunch of lies. “She came over with her kid and we went running.” “She came by with her kid to have dinner with us.” Etc etc. I started bagging all the shit I found and threw it in the fucking trash. 

I of course was going through his phone, tablet, and anything else I could at this point. How could I not? I don’t have any regrets in doing this because fuck him! And guess what I found? NOTHING. But how could I find nothing if I knew they texted? Why was he deleting an entire thread if there was nothing to hide? But I had no concrete proof of anything.

UNTIL one night when I decided to go through everything again only to come up with nada. So I rolled back over and tried to go back to sleep, but something was telling me to look again. So I checked his email.. Email that I was given access to to begin with to help print documents and such. Surely he wasn’t that dumb right? Sooo wrong! He was that dumb. I found pictures and videos of this bitch who was supposed to be a mutual friend! 

And so we broke up. I moved out. And for the next 9 months I TRIED TO FIX THIS ABUSIVE AS FUCK RELATIONSHIP. What the actual fuck! I was fed lie after lie. I was told this was all my fault. It was my fault he cheated. It was my fault that he kept seeing her again and again when I was being told he wanted to work on things. 

I was accused of sleeping with one of my good friends over and over again. I had my phone thrown out of a moving car. I was never allowed to hang out with friends. I was made to get out of the car on the interstate. I was brought into the middle of nowhere and literally texted a friend to call 911 because I was fearing for my life. 

So when I say I don’t trust men easily, I have my fucking reasons. That relationship was over 4 years ago at this point and I have been single since. And guess what? Every guy since that relationship has also been a waste of my time because not one of them gave a fuck about me. Just sex. 

So I have to wonder? What is wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? Not funny enough? Or do they just realize there’s something better around the corner?

I’ve never really had someone actually love me or even like me for that matter. That relationship was not love and never was. I know now what I didn’t at the time. I was taken advantage of as I always have been. I was manipulated and gaslighted. I was embarrassed and made fun of by my own boyfriend and apologized for everything. 

So yeah, this post all started out with a song making you feel sad. But what that song made me feel was actually longing. Longing for someone to love me the way I know I deserve. Longing for someone to spend my life with that actually enjoys being with me. That’s really all I want, but all I can get is a DM from fuckboys for a one night stand. So I just don’t reply to anyone ever because what’s the point? 

I just want all of you to know that it was okay to leave someone before they leave you. It is okay to throw in the towel because they are mentally or physically abusing you. Sometimes you feel like you have to make it work because you’ve spent X amount of years in your relationship and you don’t want to have wasted all that time. IT’S OKAY! 

If there is one piece of advice I could give my younger self, it would be to listen to your friends! Listen to them when they tell you what is happening is wrong. Many of my close friends told me time and time again and I never listened to a word because I was so blinded by the bullshit.

I am much happier now and obviously haven’t let many people in since because I have some HIGH fucking standards now. And that is okay too! Sure I get sad sometimes, but I’m still much happier than I was.  

To all the boys who fucked me over and made me feel used - *middle finger emoji*. 

I’m ending this here because I don’t know what else to say. 

Xoxo

[praphit]

BAMFs of 2019

Here's last year’s CHAMP -

THANOS

(Thanos: ”WTF did you just say?” #Mood)

Let's see if he made it back.

But, first, let’s take a look at some honorable mentions, as well as some people who were trying too hard:

Rey - 

Of course she is a total BAMF. So, why isn't she on this list? 3 REASONS: 1) She looks like a racist ex that I once dated. How can someone who decided to date you (a black man) be racist? Did y'all see the movie "Get Out"? You didn't know that the story was based off one of my relationships did you? So, yeah, she ain't ever gettin on this list.

2) The force is cheating - their I said it.

3) This last movie sucked. This rap she did didn't help her cause.

ALSO - there’s this - her rapping. I repeat, she ain’t ever getting on this list.

Nic Cage - cuz he's Nic bleepin Cage

Cardi B - cuz she’s Cardi bleepin B

Hooded Justice - if only he had been in more episodes. A black man disguising himself in a hood, as well as white, to fight evil in his neighborhood, that the police force (of which he is a part of) refuses to stop. Hell yeah! I love "Watchmen".

Lupita! - her brilliantly scary performance in "Us" is def BAMF material.

The Rock - honestly, The Rock is so awesome, and has been for so long, that he needs to be extra awesome to make it.

Trying too Hard. Please STOP:

Batwoman -

I like Ruby, but she's like an elf. She's an elf model. It's not bad to be an elf model, but... If a villain in Gotham, let's say "Bane" 

has me cornered, and Batwoman shows up to "rescue me", Imma start praying. He'd swing her around by that red hair of hers until her head pops off.

Rambo - He’s like 80! C’mon, Sly. Please STOP.

Dark Phoenix - a movie about her temper tantrum 

Joker -

 - not with all of that awkward dancing he was doing

NOW, finally, the top Bad Ass Muthas of 2019!

12) Greta - 

Say what you will about climate change, but you can't deny her passion and dedication, and how inspiring it is (unless you're Prez Trump or Fox News) to see and hear a kid like her do her thing. I admit that her winning the honor of "Person of the Year" is too much. But, we all wish our kids would be this dedicated to what they believe is positive change. Plus, she has a kickass soundtrack. Gets me hyped every time!

11) Dave Chappelle

Back in the day, comedians used to be brought on stage, tasked with the difficult job of making a room full of different types of people laugh. Now, it's not just about the job of jokes, but you have to do so without offending anyone, and with clean living. When did we start holding a comedian's behavior to a higher standard than we do elected officials? Dave saw this, and kept doing what made him popular anyway. In a world where most comedians are running scared from difficult topics, Dave plunges right in. BAD ASS. 

10) Linda Hamilton - 

Old as bleep! We have what's-her-face here, 

who is kinda badass herself, but despite being a badass cyborg (or whatever the hell she is), she still felt the need to ask for help from Linda bleepin Hamilton. LH traded her Hospice bingo card in for some guns and went to town on some machines! It'd be like if your home was being surrounded by aliens, and despite you having some fire power in your home and 911 at your disposal, everyone's first thought is to call grandma. That'd have to be one BAMF of a granny!

9) Masvidal - 

Allow me to describe this brotha to y'all who might not know.

Some guy was talkin smack to Masvidal, and that guy got kneed in the face by Masvidal (fastest knock out in UFC history = 5 secs). Some guy was arrogant enough to say he was the baddest mofo around, and Masvidal scheduled a fight with this dude for a literal baddest mofo around belt. Plus, that same night of the fight, when he was talking to the media after he had won, he started mocking Conor McGregor, talkin bout Conor don't want none of this. He was talking trash, publicly, about Conor, while people were feeding him pizza. BADASS!

If there is ever a fork in the road, and on one side you see The Rock, Jason Statham, and Will Smith chasing after you, and the other you have Masvidal sitting down, eating a slice of pizza, you had better take your chances with the three action heroes over this BAMF.

8) Nunes - 

If you don't know who she is, I wouldn't be surprised. The UFC botched her marketing before and after she fought and beat (badly) Ronda Rousey - yeah, RONDA ROUSEY; remember her? Nunes pretty much ended her career.

The UFC was so certain that Ronda was going to win, and so shocked when she lost, that they missed an opp to get behind a fighter who is better than Ronda (though mad respect for Ronda), and is currently holding TWO belts (first woman to do so). ALSO, she's the first openly gay UFC champ in history. She's so sweet too! - well, unless you're locked in the octagon with her, then she turns into a werewolf.

7) MANDO

I don't know about you, but all of this talk of teamwork from comic book movies can be a bit tiresome. The Avengers, The Justice League, The X-Men. Everybody wants to form a band. What happened to solo acts? What happened to lone rangers? People may say "There's no I in TEAM." Yeah, that's the prob! What about I?! Sometimes, you're Justin Timberlake, and the rest of the group is simply holding you back. That's Mando. He's Disney's updated (non-racist, unless you’re talkin drones) Lone Ranger. He doesn't need teamwork (maybe a weekly cameo, and a baby tag-along, but that's it!). He has beaten up gangs of robots, burnt people up, taken people out Jason Voorhees style, cut people in half, blown people up, blown off heads, BUT because it's Disney, we haven't seen any of that good stuff. He'd be higher on this list if they gave my man an R-rating.

6) Capt Marvel -

Captain Marvel is definitely the most powerful person on this list. She is probably also the fiercest person on this list. In Endgame, when she saw her black daddy (Nick Fury) on the screen, talkin bout Thanos snapped him away, and then something snapped inside of her, and she said "I'm going to go kill that mofo." The Avengers accompanied her, but I don't think she would have needed their help. She didn't really need their help in the final showdown with Thanos. He threw her aside, but you know she was coming back, until Tony got in her way. She is so fiery that it wouldn't surprise me if in her sequel, she goes back in time in order to rematch Thanos by herself, to prove her dominance. The reason that she's not higher on the list is because she's so damned destructive. She's just like The Hulk in the fact that she shows up to destroy everything. Now, she's a lot more focused than The Hulk, but she's so powerful that she does more damage. And she doesn't have much of a personality (so far), so it's hard to gauge her badassery of attitude, you know?? Like, if you're a villain, and you get in the way of a gorilla, that gorilla will destroy you in a very spectacularly badass way, but... it's a gorilla, you know??

I’M NOT CALLING HER A GORILLA. Don’t go snitching on me to her.

I just don’t know if she’s a hero or simply has anger management issues. Is she badass or too powerful not to do badass things?

Either way, RESPECT... or she'll come for that ass.

TIME FOR A BREAK - 

Let’s break from all of this badassery with some cuteness

Look how cute it is - I CAN’T TAKE IT!

Ok, back to action.

5) Iron Man - 

Look, Iron-Man started this shit! Who knows what would have become of the MCU had Robert Downey Jr. blew it. Tony Stark assembled the team (granted, he was partly the reason for the break-up), he gave us Spider-Man (with that suit) (he also gave us Ultron, but let's not get bogged down with details), he held his own against Thanos in "Infinity War",

Dr. Strange thought HIM worthy of saving, and no way time travel would have worked in "Endgame" without him. Plus, in the very end, he out-smarted Thanos, and countered Thanos' one-liner ("I am inevitable.") with his own ("And I... [five minutes later - I swear that's what it felt like] am Iron-Man.").

Paid the ultimate sacrifice. Hell yeah, he's on this list. I felt kinda bad for his wife. After IM3, she was barely around. And when Tony died, she was barely comforted... cuz nobody knew her. Oh, well.. she be aiight.

4) Thanos - 

This dude saw his demise coming, and still went straight ahead towards the foes who cut his head off. BADASS! He was exceptionally crafty in playing The Avengers and blowing up their base. Then, he was just sitting around waiting for the main Avengers (Capt, Iron, and Fat Thor). He wanted to gloat a bit first. BADASS! And had Gamora not betrayed him, and had given him the gaunlet, he would have beaten The Avengers AGAIN!

He even died with a cool pose (he took a knee and got his "Thinking Man" on). BADASS!

3) Arya Stark - 

This young lady scared the bleep out of me. She has my fear AND respect. I was actually scared for whomever her current target was... I was like "Run, fool! She gonna get ya! Damn, Arya, you didn't have to do them like that!"

Now, I know I talked about Ruby Rose being a ridiculous choice for Batwoman, but if Arya Stark left on a voyage to Gotham and became Batwoman, I'd buy that. I can see her killing Bane very slowly. This woman is a frickin psychopath, and I love it. She's fearless! She also went up against the top cheese of the white walkers. Y'all remember that badass move she had at the end!

YES! I only wish she had said something cool when she took him out, like... "You've been Starked." No, that's terrible, but something like that. I wish she was the one sitting on the throne, but they... you know... did what they did.

2) Capt America - 

I think that it's fair to say that Capt America was the rock of The Avengers After the snap, he was the only one to keep his shit together; he actually worked to help others keep their shit together.

Meanwhile, Widow is crying in the dark every night while having a PB sandwich and bourbon dinner. And she just gave up on her hair.

Thor became an alcoholic.

And you could say Hulk was ok, but... was he?

I mean, that ain't right. This is avoidance behavior if I've ever seen it.

But, Capt kept it together. Then, that fight with Thanos at the end was one of, if not THE best one on one fight of the series. Using both Thor weapons, meaning he was both badass on a fighting level and a righteousness level - which ain't easy to accomplish. And when he straped tight his shield in that trailer, and gritted his teeth - hell yeah!

Chills. Capt to Thanos: You motha bleeper"

1) John Wick - 

Three movies with no time in-between to shower, sleep, take a piss, brush his teeth, NOTHING! His life for the last few years (it seems like) has been running, lurking, hiding, beating ass.. and beating ass some more. Lord knows what this dude's kill count is up to. His nickname is "Baba Yaga" Have y'all seen what the actual Baba Yaga looks like?

Terrifying. And yet, not as terrifying as John Wick when he's angry at you.

The amount of endurance and focus that has gone into this long stint of murdering (only fueled by rage and a few shots of bourbon from time to time) is uncanny.

In JW3 he makes a guy eat a book (imagine what must be done to a person's jaw for that to happen), he gets shot, stabbed, hit my two cars (seconds within each other)... Nah, y'all ain't hear me! TWO CARS! The people in the cars were trying to kill him! He fought two super ninjas - like IP Man caliber, he beat up an army of soldiers, crawled through a desert, got shot by a friend who betrayed him, fell off of a building (bouncing around a few times before hitting the pavement), and was somehow still good to schedule a fourth movie after all of that - which I assume will pickup right there.

He doesn't have any superpowers (though you wouldn't know), but his tenacity is to be envied, and outdoes everyone else's on this list.

BAMF!!!