#i think this is so funny

[takami-takami]

Keigo never really stopped to think about his size before he met you.

He's aware he's big. He has eyes. But it never really mattered much to him besides the typical "huh, nice." when glancing down that men try to pretend they don't do.

So when he first tugs his cock free and your eyes practically pop out of your head, a whisper of "Jesus Christ" escaping, his first instinct is to worry.

He's about to ask "wait, is something wrong?" before he realizes it's not fear, but admiration he sees in those eyes that are laser-focused and transfixed between his legs.

Well. Maybe a little bit of fear. But it's a good kind.

It doesn't take him long at all to develop an ego.

By the third time he has you sobbing on his thick cock, insides stretched to the brim while his thighs grind against your ass, those sweet little words he coos carry an unshakeable confidence.

Words like, "you can take it baby, c'mon, it's okay. Shh, it's alright, so good f'me. Take me inside, baby. I'll make it fit. You've done it before, yeah? So proud of you, you take big cock so good."

Before long, he's faking obnoxious yawns next you on the couch— an excuse to place his arms behind the seat and spread his legs apart, enticing your predictable stare. He couldn't hold back that knowing grin if he tried. His boisterous laugh in response to your accusation of "stop being a slut, Kei'" only ceases once it's cut off by a moan, your knees thudding against the floor to properly kiss his prominent bulge through the clothes.

By the tenth time, he praises himself nearly as much as you.

"You love taking this fat fuckin' cock, don't you? Love being split open on my dick, yeah? Only mine? Shit— yeah, you do. Don't even care that it's stretching your guts, do you? Nah, you love it, you fuckin' love it. 'S that why you're screaming so loud, baby? Sound so pretty when you do. Get your head out the pillow, wanna hear you. Wanna hear that pretty voice scream my name when I take you."

"Mine," he snarls. "All fuckin' mine."

Once the post-nut clarity hits, he promises he'll go back to normal: wings drooping in apology like a kicked puppy as he thumbs away your thick tears of pleasure.

"Ah... Sorry, baby. Wasn't too rough, was I? You did so good. You sore? Want me to run a bath?"

All you're capable of providing is a shaky thumbs up.

[cate-deriana]

Currently rewatching the show and I'm wondering, just how many rapiers do they lose over those eight episodes?

Episode 1: At least Lucy loses her's at Sheen Road. I am not sure of Lockwood's though. Does he still have it while jumping off the burning house?

Episode 3: All kit is lost in Combe Carey Hall?

Episode 4: Lucy throws her rapier at the cemetery and I think she leaves without picking it up because "the Skull talked to her"?

Episode 5: At least Lockwood would have lost his at Winkman's shop.

Episode 7: Lockwood loses his after being exposed by Winkman. And I think Lucy's is lost as well before they're jumping into the Thames?

Episode 8: Lucy's rapier is at least "god knows where" in the catacombs for a time being.

I don't know but that sounds expensive...😅

[shrimpalbuspotter]

Imagining some pompous rich kid coming to Hogwarts a few years late and having one goal in mind: Befriend the richest people in his year.

Just to find out that the two richest people in his year, aka the two richest families at Hogwarts, are Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy. Complete utter losers, outcasted from even their own house, and currently giggling to eachother while picking out their bags that had been thrown into the black lake.

Maybe networking isn't that important...

[hansrilowz]

daily self-affirmations 💗

• i did not die on a rollercoaster

• i am in a successful chamber choir

• i am what the world needs

• i am not just an organ donor

• i am that fucked up girl

• i am a hooker with a heart of black charcoal

• i am the money

• i am married to my girlfriend

• i am loving in my home country with my wife talia

• i am a space age bachelor man

• sexy cat women want me

• i know my true identity

• my friends and family know and love me

• my head is on my body

• i see the gold i see the pink i see the blue

• i love and appreciate life

• i do not think life is a game

[hiyyihrts]

my (previously bisexual now turned straight) gf had the opposite of a gay awakening this year when she watched challengers for the first time she walked away loving all three characters but Mike Faist stayed like a plague in her mind and she’s called it quits for everyone except him now. you could say she’s mikefiastsexual now or whatever

[cultist-bones]

It's not just me right? I'm not the only one who can see the resemblance yes?

[goldenlandfiascos]

in case you didn't know, the wiki lists Eva's dislikes as "All reptiles but especially snakes", and this art from the EP8 manga has Natsuhi dressed up like this

[question-marked]

[sociallyrepressed]

western nights

“DR, singing Before He Cheats.”

Lando’s mouth drops open when he sees Daniel enter the stage area. He said he was going to grab another drink, and Lando had just waved him off, apparently naïve enough to believe him. A stupid mistake.

“Thank you Texas, for the warm welcome!” He was shouting into the mic and thanking the meager crowd like he was a superstar on a world tour rather than a loser in a small Texan bar. Lando was so hopelessly enamored with him. Until they made eye contact and he felt something unnerving in his gut when Dan gave him a mischievous grin. “I’d like to dedicate this performance to my beautiful boyfriend of three years. This one’s for you, buddy bear.” His words were accompanied by a point, turning the audience’s attention to him.

Lando groaned and dropped his head into his hands, ignoring some bewildered and dirty looks from his peers. Luckily, they’re distracted when the song kicks on through the ancient speakers, music loud and crunchy. That doesn’t stop Dan from taking a deep breath to then belt out the opening lyrics. His pitch’s horrible and Lando can’t stop the floaty fluttery feeling bubbling in his gut.

To his credit, Dan’s crowd work made up for his- in Lando’s opinion- subpar singing. He made sure to involve the people closest to him, all singing their hearts out. He slowly carved a path to Lando and their tabletop. There’s a stupid dopey-smiley tilt to his lips when he puts his heart and soul into the bridge. He firmly grips Lando’s shoulder and shakes him until his vision goes slightly blurry. When he blinks and clears his sight, Dan is already back into the stage. The song ends not long after and he’s met with thunderous applause. Apparently the tiny population of drunk Texans present in the dingy bar greatly enjoyed Lando’s boyfriend’s rendition of Carrie Underwood. If he butchered a beloved country song and still received this much praise, maybe he deserves to be a popstar- but he’d still be the most loser popstar ever. Dan bows multiple times to a plethora of wolf whistles before he makes his way back to Lando.

“You’re not as funny as you think you are.” Lando shoves his shoulder straight on into Dan’s solar plexus when he throws himself on top of Lando, loose from the booze and flushed from his performance. Dan lets out an overdramatic wheeze from deep in chest, but a laugh still splits his face, so he can’t be that winded.

“Don’t be so embarrassed, sweetcheeks,” he pinches Lando’s ass, which makes Lando flush, so now they’re both flushed, standing around the small tabletop looking like a set of proper dumbasses. “Where’s the great American spirit?”

“I’m British, that’s like. The complete opposite of American.” Dan just raises his eyebrows and shrugs in response, tossing back another hefty swig of disgusting American beer. Honestly, Lando will break up with him if he tries to kiss him before washing his mouth. Dan laughs when he says as much. Then immediately grabs his face and tries kissing him aggressively. Lando lets out the ugliest snort-laugh in the entire world and tries to wriggle out of his grip, but his boyfriend is so very determined. It’s not until they nearly take someone out with their minor wrestling does Dan let go.

“Ready to go, baby?” Lando doesn’t blush at the nickname. It’s been said a billion and one times, he’s used to it. “I saw a twenty-four hour Walmart nearby and I want one of those hotdogs they’ve always got roasting.”

Lando scrunches his nose, “that’s disgusting, mate.”

“It’s part of the American experience.”

“‘M pretty sure throwing your guts up is not part of the American experience.”

“It’s more likely than you think.” He winks at Lando and tips the brim of his comically large cowboy hat at him. They leave the bar to enter the hot Texan landscape. Lando groans, feeling his curls frizzing up instantly. He sideyes Dan when the man tips his hat at a couple of girls, who immediately hide high-pitched giggles behind their hands. The only thing stopping him from going over there and ripping their hair out is the fact he can tell they’re inebriated. Can’t be held responsible for their actions and whatnot. Fortunately, Lando is in the same boat, so he can’t be judged when he squeezes Dan’s hand and thinks about sucking possessive marks into his collarbone later. Something those girls can’t do.

“Aw, don’t be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous.”

“You so are. Don’t worry, you’re the only cowgirl ‘round these parts that can tame this pony.”

Lando retches, “I am not roleplaying Western cowboys with you, you freak.”

“Your freak,” Dan makes ridiculous kissy noises and plants a wet one smack dab on Lando’s cheek. He’s embarrassed to acknowledge the big cheesy smile he can feel spreading. The next kiss is on his lips, and he can taste the sour-bitter-stale of fermented grains from Dan’s beers. He pulls back from the kiss, opening his mouth to say “I’m breaking up with you”. Before he gets the chance, his boyfriend swoops back in with the sweetest, most tender kiss that Lando can’t refrain from melting into. Dan’s plan works because Lando forgets what he was about to say. The slick bastard.

[sga-owns-my-soul]

me making a new post: this is the best text post to ever exist i'm a fucking god of comedy

me when a text post starts getting notes: what is this?????? i created garabge, pure filth, and you like it?????? why are you enjoying this it is terrible

[sunnydayzes]

Once they came back from vacation, Don jumped into work at Willow Creek Hospital. His internship was going to be a struggle, but he was looking forward to actually working with patients. His first patient, the world-famous artist Darren Dreamer, didn't appear to be all that impressed with him, but Don did everything that he could to assure him that he was a professional. The last thing he needed was to have an athlete of his caliber trying to sue him on his first day.

[askthekoopsandjr]

Bowser to the Koopalings and Jr during the holidays

[honeyedlashton]

goodbye goodbye goodbye, you were bigger than the whole sky 💛💜🩵🧡🌈

[coffeeinthelibrary]

all the hottest girls have bad ideas

[random-blep]

I think I might make a new oc

I made him up for laughs but I really kinda want him

Chuckles the Semi Adequate Clown

Chuckles isn't one of the best clowns, actually he isn't even actually that good of a clown. Being a clown college flunkee he struggles to make a living as an actually wanted clown. Even his super cheap rates of two dollars and seventy three cents an hour aren't alluring enough to get him hired often. So he just lives the clown lifestyle while doing pretty much any small job to make ends meet. He walks around every day with a full clown makeup done and vibrant clothes on. It would be a bit humourous if it wasn't kind of sad.

[keebwee]

"why do i feel so sick" you have been drinking black mold