#i think this deserves a bpd tag

[stargore]

mitski at midnight in the dark?: commonplace, typical, can’t cry so this is the next best thing

mitski earlier than 9pm?: something is Very Wrong

today? today, i have been both

[catboylister]

lister bird the type of guy to self sabotage when a relationship is going too well because he has a chronic fear of commitment and and abandonment issues 🫶

[beanghostprincess]

Just thinking about the fact Sora died because of the poison she drink to save her kids, because she is gentle and kind. And her only son who the desesperate act work is as kind as her.

But the StrawHats don't know she did that, this is something he don't have the courage to tell. And they know even less that Sanji is ready to do the same.

He isn't pround of that, but he ends up discovering the poison she drink and even have the recipe of how to do it. Because the germa soldiers teached them this and others poisons.

And this little fact is like a silent threat, a thing that if the crew discovers this, would be attentive about anything he drinks until they're certainly he's not gonna do the same thing his mother did.

And when the StrawHats learn about this fact, the exactly thing he expected happens, he notice Chopper and Robin always near the kitchen with the excuse of how's there was calmer, Nami and Usopp start to do his drinks for him or always are looking him while he's doing it, the others does things too. And Sanji notices all of this.

It's needed months to calm the crew, but still after they stop, all of them always have this fear in the back of they're minds (Luffy even goes as far as asking Law to do a check up on Sanji the next time they meet), that he will do this, but they want to believe he will not. They really want to.

(Just a thought that come to my mind yesterday, and I wanted to share, y'know? Based on some headcanons)

Oh, damn. This honestly hits close to home and it's really interesting so I wanna talk about it. But, you know, it's a serious topic so:

TW // Suicide, poison, self-harm, depression, etc etc you know the drill about Sanji and his issues. I don't go deep, tho, so It's not THAT explicit but could be triggering.

I think that after WCI and Wano, they'd all be worried. Sanji has always been pretty self-sacrificing with everyone and he doesn't value his life in the slightest. He doesn't show signs at first of being actively suicidal but the way he treats his own life makes it clear that he gets into self-sabotaging situations to the point of it being considered self-harm or even passive suicidal behavior. He just- Doesn't care about dying because he puts others first all the time. He has been doing that forever and Skypiea is just one of the times he does that. But, y'know, they never notice that. At least not everyone. I think Zoro is the first to know because of Thriller Bark, honestly. That's one of the biggest signs imo. But then they're separated and it's not like they can talk about it. Then two years happen and uh, shit goes downhill after that because WCI is just utterly traumatizing for Sanji and Wano makes everything worse to the point of asking Zoro to kill him if he loses himself. And we always say that's really gay (because it is) but we ignore the whole point of Sanji genuinely asking somebody to kill him without any fucking hesitation. And he spends all of Wano having the biggest crisis of his life wondering if he's human enough or worthy of being in the crew and???? What the actual fuck. Anyway, I think the crew ends up finding out about everything and I don't believe Sanji is well mentally after all of this. I know they don't write it like this because things are happening and they have to go to Egghead, but I think Sanji would end up really fucked up after WCI and Wano to the point of being worrisome.

If they do find out about the poison thing and Sanj's suicidal thoughts (honestly, I don't know how they would even find out about it unless Reiju tells them or Sanji snaps and yells about that, but, y'know. The point is that they know and Sanji is getting worse) I think you're completely right and they'd be all over him. Because that's exactly what happens when somebody acts this way. They look after him to a suffocating extent and watch his steps. They take turns to watch him. They prepare his drinks. They even make up something so he doesn't have to be on night watch so he can sleep, because he's probably not sleeping either. Or eating well, for that matter, which is what makes them all worry even more in the first place.

And hear me out, because I think he would try to do it. Like- Commit, I mean. Not gonna get into the topic too deep but I think he'd try and I think it wouldn't work because somebody would help him right away and I think he'd try to play it off as a mistake and a misunderstanding, but everyone would know. And he'd just try to ignore their pep talks and interventions.

This is projecting from personal experience and everyone goes through these things differently, but God, I think he'd fucking hate it if they looked after him. Because he knows he won't do it again. At least he doesn't want to do it again. But everybody keeps looking after him like he's about to break at any moment and it's so damn annoying to not have any type of privacy because they think he's gonna off himself the second he's alone. And he gets why they're doing it and appreciates their efforts to look after him, but acting this way is not the answer to his problems. It's just asphyxiating and it isn't helping him get better. You know how the crew is, they're NOT subtle and careful with anything and they're just-- They have good intentions but it's suffocating and he can't handle it anymore.

And I think he'd snap. I actually want to write a fic about this if you let me use your idea (I will credit you, ofc) because I think it'd be great to make him snap at Nami, specifically, and then regret it completely.

Long story short because this is getting long: I think Brook and Robin would end up talking things out with him because they're the ones who understand him the most in this situation. He'd apologize to Nami but also everyone else would apologize too for acting this way, they were just worried and wanted to look after him. I think, after this, the only ones watching Sanji would be Brook and Robin and they'd do it carefully, supporting him and helping him get better. And the whole crew would be next to him along the way but doing it with less assertiveness and just gentler.

I think the concept of Sanji thinking about death so often is great because it adds depth to his character and it's not a crazy thought. I think it's pretty damn canon, actually. At least him being careless about his own life.

[celestialmancer]

⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;

[appulfox]

I hate how it took me 3 — almost 4 — years to finally start realizing in full the things people had issues with, in terms of me and my behavior. The issue with this is.. after a while, my honest mistakes, my genuine confusion, my genuine lack of understanding or "getting it".. a pattern of that — no matter how genuine — stops looking innocent and/or unintentional to those on the outside of my own thought processes. My behavior gets boy-who-cried-wolfified, my intentions become misconstrued, and once I finally start again with trying to get better — at least with the things that I've been told to get better on — one mistake, one relapse back to old behavior, one instance of shitty behavior, gets taken as intentional. Because they're fed up.

Because, here's the hard truth. You intentions can be pure, you can make genuine mistakes, you can genuinely just be oblivious to your own behavior or how your behavior is affecting others. You can THINK you're improving, not realizing you're tunnel visioning on only fixing ONE thing. You can genuinely be trying, not necessarily having the tools that you don't realize you need to get passed the walls you're getting stopped by (created by yourself, might I add). You can genuinely be trying to fix things, thinking you are, but instead making things worse by "fixing things" the wrong way.

But the problem with intention, is that it's internal. You may have positive intentions, but you, yourself may have negative and/or toxic behaviors that you have yet to fully check/take care of. You may have a lack of knowledge on how to enact your positive intention. You may be dealing with some unchecked impulsivity. You may have some denial issues. You may be insecure and THAT'S unchecked. There may be many internal factors — both known, and unknown — that barre you from creating a positive outcome from your positive intention. Add on some unchecked neurodivergency, and you've got a concoction for a negative outcome. My examples — in terms of parts of my neurodivergency being unchecked, and thus a cause for issues within conversation — are: I take most concepts literally AND I have some fairly black and white thinking; if things aren't categorized, I get stressed or confused. Neurodivergency (ND) itself isn't the problem, it's my lack of and/or inability to find a workaround and/or working balance for these traits in my everyday life. They go from being a normal trait of being ND, to being major personality flaws that I struggle to find solutions for. And that's what they become understood as, after repeated instances of this. The thing is, a personality flaw can COME FROM how I've learned to cope with my traits being misconstrued as intentional over the years. For instance, I've had my intentions misconstrued, my words read into or paraphrased incorrectly, and my thoughts and character assumed my entire life. The way my brain works is: Go for the most efficient (in my current understanding) solution. First priority. Go for the path of least conflict. Second priority. So because of this, my solution for making sure I am almost NEVER misunderstood was to over explain. In turn this comes into play when I don't fully understand something, either, and the other party is starting to think that I'm being intentionally obtuse. My current bandaid for this is having us (the people in the conversation) come up with metaphors, similarities, or parallels between the concept I'm TRYING to understand, and a very well known concept (one that we all understand and know) to HELP me understand it, or to help me and/or the other party figure out/get closer to WHY I'm not understanding. The problem with this, is that this method creates long, drawn out conversations that can end up causing the other party/parties within the conversation to become fatigued with information or just burnt out with the conversation altogether.

But I digress, going back to this — "But the problem with intention, is that it's internal." — meaning that YOU are the only person who TRULY knows WHY you are doing or saying something. Others on the outside can only INFER on your intentions based on how well they know you AND your past and present patterns. And even then, sometimes the people whom are the CLOSEST to you will still be completely wrong about your intentions for enacting an action or for saying something. Does that make them a bad person? Hell no. It makes them a person who's tired, who's exasperated with your actions.

No matter how positive your intentions may be, your actions can still cause hurt and stress. That is a hard pill to swallow. Another hard pill to swallow is knowing that, some positive intentions require getting over/crossing an irrational insecurity/fear in order for you to be able to create a positive outcome. Leaving those fears and insecurities unchecked will have you succumbing to those fears and creating negative outcomes. Part of growing is being uncomfortable (growing pains).

An example of this would be, let's say I have a huge fear of going shopping. Why? The grocery store causes me massive sensory issues. Okay sure, that's valid.

My brain's efficient solution: Never go shopping and have someone else do it.

Now, while this could work in some cases if everyone in the household agrees to it, but in some households, shirking this responsibility onto someone else as my solution for my problem is unfair and quite selfish, not to mention, inconsiderate.

Sure, I could come up with every other excuse on why this is my only option (shitty and stubborn), I could, instead, come up with a workaround for my sensory issue. Having sensory issues, having autism is valid, but I HAVE to find a balance between my disability and my adult responsibilities instead of just immediately succumbing to my issues and refusing to find workarounds to a pretty solvable problem.

A better decision would be, if it's too noisy or too bright for me in the grocery store, I can wear headphones and light sunglasses to nix the initial issue.

I didn't actually do this, but I HAVE behaved pretty much exactly like the above scenario before in my IRL life. I used to think I was right in my stubbornness. Then I realized I wasn't, very soon, but then came the issue of not fully knowing WHY I felt the need to be so stubborn. The issue this was, I knew that my stubbornness wasn't justified, but in my brain and body, it FELT like I was right to be stubborn. Like a gut feeling. And bc I was still trying to figure out WHY I felt the need to be stubborn, and it still felt like I was in the right, I'd continue with the behavior until I figured out WHERE the feeling came from. I was essentially using myself as my own lab rat. Eventually, I figured out WHY I was being so stubborn. It came from the autistic trait of routine and by proxy, our struggle to accept or be comfortable with a change in said routine. In the above situation, I'd already found a "solution" to my problem. To my brain, my problem was solved. So, someone else trying to come and change HOW my problem had been solved, would make me uncomfortable. Along with that, it messes with the logic within my brain in the same way Captchas fuck with robots (I've failed Captchas before, that is how algorithmic and robotic my brain is). Essentially, the question for me becomes "If I've found a solution to my problem, the most efficient solution, why do I need ANOTHER solution?" But that question, for the longest, never passed in my brain AS A QUESTION, it always parsed, instead, as a feeling of being uncomfortable. Side tangent, that's where the struggle of finding words for feelings comes from. My nervous system and part of my brain knows WHY I'm uncomfortable, that's immediate. But it takes longer for me to parse those feelings into words, or rather, the question that my brain and body is having.

Talk about dramatic.

Once I was able to parse the question, I'd usually find myself answering it easily. The thing about certain traits of autism, and just emotions in general, is that they aren't always logical, even if they feel like it. It took me a LOT of time to figure out what my brain and body were trying to tell me before I finally figured out what illogical ass question they were asking me. Why should we have another solution if I've already solved it? Well bc I didn't actually solve it. Usually, once I've answered the question, the feelings of stubbornness start to ebb. Essentially, my brain and body process the situation faster than the logic part of me does sometimes, and that creates problems if left unchecked like I had been for so long. There are things that I've JUST now started to recognize that are issues with processing, things I've just now started to fully assess and absorb bc it took me so. fucking. long. to process the information in my brain fully. Not to mention all the things that I just now started LETTING myself process are gonna take time for me to fully absorb as well.

Does any of this mean that my actions that have caused hurt should be excused? No. It still caused hurt, they were still bad decisions, bad behavior, and sometimes, bad intentions that I thought were good out of ignorance or fear. I still have to take responsibility for those actions, even if I "didn't mean to". Mistakes and accidents happen, sure, but people STILL got hurt because of me. And while some of these behaviors were things I couldn't help or change in the moment (lack of understanding or lack of knowledge), some were definitely behaviors that I could've, and should've spent more time correcting and remedying (insecurities, fears, emotional regulation).

And fuck do I hate that it's taken me so. damn. long to even realize or reflect on ANY of this. Because over all these years, I was focused on wondering what I was doing wrong and wondering why my actions were seldom matching my intentions. I've been focused on panicking and focused on making sure that I didn't lose anybody, that I managed to stop focusing on working on my actual behavior. I became focused on people pleasing, making sure I made others smile, making sure I was doing things for people. I should've been focusing on genuinely getting my act together. I should've been focusing on self reflection, growth, learning, getting my life settled, instead of trying to make sure that I was in EVERYONE'S good graces. I was so focused on making sure everyone liked me, that everyone I interacted with saw me as decent. I was so SO focused on making sure that EVERYONE knew my intentions, that everyone knew that I never meant harm, that everyone knew that I was trying and that I wanted to make sure any mistakes I made were rectified, that I was never misunderstood. I was essentially trying to set up my social life so everyone KNEW who I was and knew that the negative issues on my side were never intentional so that way I could go fuck off and finally focus on improving myself without the possibility of someone, I guess, even perceiving me. I was so so fearful of going to work on myself, and then losing those I loved in the process, that I ended up hyperfocusing on on the wrong things about myself to try and surface please other people. In a way, I think I wanted validation that the things I was doing were actually good. I still struggle with thinking for myself when it comes to making the right decision with things. I'm so unsure of myself and I'm so unsure of what the RIGHT thing to do is in some situations, so I find myself asking what I should do, or winging it in fear of looking stupid for asking. The latter is not advised.

I'm writing this mainly to show my therapist on Thursday, but also bc I wanted to reflect on my feelings and behavior. I KNOW that my intentions for pretty much most of the people in my life are positive. I KNOW that I only want to treat people well. But, in these last 3-4 years, and in the last 2 months of me putting genuine effort into my growth, I still find myself believing that I truly am a bad person. That I'm pathetic and that, at 18 days away from being 25, I should be more responsible, that I should be more mature, that I should be more well rounded. There are people years younger than me that I feel like we should just swap ages because of how much BETTER they are than me.

Sure, I may be improving, I may be getting better, with some bumps along the way.

But for the people who it matters most to, they're tired of me. Exasperated. Need space from me. Hold resentment for me. And in a couple cases, hold opinions for me that aren't true. There are things about myself that folks are holding resentment for, and I'm not sure what those THINGS are.

But I did this to myself. I have issues, many issues, and there were many points that I could've made better decisions, asked more questions, or just simply asked for help. I became a burden and a nuisance onto the lives of the people I deem the closest. I KNOW I can improve, will improve, and am improving. I KNOW that things and myself will eventually get better and I will learn a lot of new skills, lessons, and coping mechanisms (all good) along the way.

But being in it.. being in the growing pains, knowing I've ruined myself for some and am on thin ice for others. Knowing that I ruined something so good and started getting better too late. Knowing that, I've unintentionally caused trauma. Knowing that, in the current stage of things, I ruined my life and left others scorned.. Knowing that there are opinions of me that I can never clear up....

I wish I'd BEEN better. I wish I wasn't so slow. So slow to get it. I wish I wasn't so slow to EVERYTHING. I wish I didn't keep creating victims out of my bad decisions. I wish that I had worried about myself. I wish I had self respect. I wish I hadn't caused and created so much pain, stress, and hurt. I wish I was smarter, tougher, less of a crybaby.

I wish I wasn't Apple. I wish I wasn't Leo.

I wrote this out bc I needed to put my emotions, thoughts, realizations, lamentations, and regrets into words somewhere. Barely anyone looks at or follows my Tumblr, there's like, NO word limit, so here's most of my thoughts that are somewhat coherent and somewhat mixed in with the abandonment issues that my BPD likes sprinkling in lol

[st-dionysus]

(The Poem is named) Emetophobia CW

It’s 2024 and I’m in a 20 year old drag bar, watching the very first trans-masculine performer to compete on their stage, he gets second place even though he deserved first.

I show up to the men’s bathhouse on trans night to get free entry and get turned away at the door, and told it’s for transgirls only, bitch you could have put it on the flyer that transmen need not apply.

I’m doing a line of ketamine off the table, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I get banned from the camsite for listing myself as transgender when I don’t have a dick, I complain online and get told that the trans-masculine body is to grotesque to be fetishized and I should be grateful.

I wear a packer and hitch up a skirt, walk the street, get $20, calling it stealing transfem valor.

Cissie puts a TW #body-mutilation tag under my thirst trap. Tranny puts a TW #dysphoria tag under my thirst trap.

T-girl with a callout post pedojackets me, Enby with TME in bio pedojackets me, T-boy with a self-deprecating joke about men in his bio pedojackets me.

I do another line of ketamine off the table, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I am at the woman’s clinic, I am at the woman’s clinic, I am at the woman’s clinic wearing a mask – not cause I’m compromised (I am), just to hide my beard – avoiding making everyone uncomfortable.

I am getting re-diagnosed with BPD, which just means I have bitch disorder and no one trusts me.

I take my pills and throw them up. I drink my liquor before the beer and throw them up.

I am just 14 when the picture and videos go up. Remind me that I have it easy, they were only pictures and videos.

I am just 17 when the recording of my proof stops before it happens, my phone memory is full, I’m called a liar and now I can’t see buttered crackers, thanksgiving, or sriracha sauce without wanting to kill myself.

No one gets me therapy, but they still want to convert me, she puts her hands down my pants, at least I’m 19, to remind me I’m a woman – tell me how they love trans men again.

I do a third line of ketamine off the table, realize it doesn’t effect me, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I call myself a dog, I start biting my lovers and I have to hold back from ripping out a chunk of flesh, I don’t think I’d throw it up.

I am reading the statistics, 40% of BPD patients try and kill themselves. 1 in 2 transgender men try and kill themselves. I’m one of them. I’m 12 and I swallowed all the pills. I’m 14 and the gun is empty. I’m 17 and I put the box-opener against my throat. Therapist calls me a liar, there is no scar, and my words don’t count for anything.

I’m using he/him pronouns for Stormé DeLarverie, like the stonewall veteran association said to, and telling you he started the riot, calling it stealing transfem valor from a woman who told you she didn’t fucking do it.

I’m shoving my fingers down my throat in a fit of mania, convinced I can vomit up my uterus. She tells me I should be grateful, she’d do anything to be able to get pregnant.

My brother in the struggle gets bottom surgery without top, calling it stealing transfem valor to feel comfortable in his body.

It’s 2024 and I’m at trans pride, the announcers tells everyone to give a round of applause for trans woman, a round of applause for gender-queers, a round of applause for transfems, a round of applause for the enbies, a round of applause for trans-masculine people. You forgot someone. Did you know a trans man started the first ever transgender pride parade?

A book on queer history talks about gay men and lesbians and trans women and the women who dressed as men for better job opportunities. I’m reminded that my invisibility is a privilege, if you aren’t seen you don’t get bashed.

I’m 13 and they throw me in the girls bathroom, pin me down, beat me, and in black sharpie write “dyke”, write “tranny”, write “lesbo”, and pull my hair out the cap I shoved it in.

I’m 19 with D cups that a binder can’t hide and a beard I refuse to shave less I break the mirror and kill myself with the shards of glass I would swallow.

Man at the bus stop calls me tranny and tells me I’ll never be a woman. I’d laugh if he didn’t have his hand on my throat. Calling it stealing transfem valor.

I’m 21 and have to pull a taser on him, cause from the back, even with short hair and top surgery, I look rape-able.

I’m 23 and in the gay district when they chase me down the street, calling me faggot.

Make another forcemasc post, calling it stealing transfem valor.

Read an article about a trans man prostitute that kills himself and ends up another female statistic.

Read an article about a trans man shooter, they blame the HRT he didn’t have access too.

Going to read a callout about me, five pages on Google Docs, does this post make it on the list?

Do a final line of ketamine, write the final line of a poem that makes me want to die, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I puke and miss the toilet.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

blog info

- always remember to start off your ask with some variation of "npd culture is..." ("npd system culture is..." "npd + bpd culture is..." ect ect).

- people who don't have npd but do have npd traits are welcome to send in submissions.

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byf

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notable tags

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about the admin ( @doomsdayradio )

- poker, chorus, fate

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[maybeimamuppet]

Do you believe Regina is redeemable?

ohhhhh buddy the whole can of worms this opened

to make a long story short: yes.

to make a long story longer with a tw for mentioned child abuse/neglect and suicidal ideation

i think every iteration of her deserves a shot at redemption.

canonically regina is at most seventeen years old. yes, she’s almost an adult. yes, she does and has done despicable things at this age and even younger. but she is still young. she is still a child. to completely, black and white say, that she is at her core an unredeemable monster who doesn’t even deserve to try does a complete and utter disservice both to her and the people she’s hurt in her past. to say she will be the way she is forever negates all the suffering she goes through and puts others through in canon, misguided though it is.

regina is also basically the textbook for a personality disorder and specifically bpd. borderline is (in a lot of cases i’ll say rightfully) very harshly judged. there’s a lot of stigma around it and cluster b disorders as a whole. but bpd is also caused for the most part by neglect and abuse in childhood. we only ever see regina’s dad in 2004 canon, for a single scene, crying over regina wearing the rabbit halloween costume. he’s completely absent in both the stage show and 2024. and looking at her mom, it is very obvious something has happened to the both of them and that this child (or neither of these children if you include kylie from 2004) is/are not getting the emotional guidance, support, and attention they need. who knows what happened before canon as well. who knows what her dad was like.

speaking as someone who also probably has bpd (which i discovered through doing research to write her better) i can say it is a terrifying experience. i’m lucky in that i’m able to resist my compulsions most of the time, but having them at all is beyond terrifying sometimes. i am filled with rage on a hair trigger these days. sometimes i’m able to process this anger in a healthy way. i can rationalize. i can think through it. i can calm myself down.

other times i can’t. i can only glance through the mean girls tag on ao3 now because if i look at numbers or think for too long about it, i compare the new fics that have come with the 2024 movie to things i’ve written. to see these fics that, while fantastic, are much shorter or don’t have as much effort put into them as what i do get literally ten times the love does hurt, as much as i adore and appreciate what i do get.

by nature with my other illnesses i have to pour my entire heart and soul, blood sweat and tears into every word i put on a page. every fic i’ve done is a piece of me that sometimes feels like i’ve torn it out of myself and given you to read. sometimes seeing that get 150 hits compared to a cadina fic that’s half as long (but again, still amazing! they all deserve every hit and kudos and comment and whatever) getting up to 1, 10, 50k hits just latches to a particularly sadistic part of my brain and it’s all i can think about for weeks. and it makes me want to quit. either writing or living.

and that sounds dramatic because IT IS. and i’m fully aware having those thoughts and urges is irrational. i don’t want them. i miss feeling like i have a community on ao3 (i absolutely have one here and i love all of you in my little circle with my entire being.) i hate having to avoid reading about my favorite characters because it does that much damage to my mental health. i am afraid that it takes something that small for me to have these massive thoughts.

all of that to say is that bpd makes switches easier to flip. it makes bad choices easier to make.

the reason i’m still here. the reason i still write and i haven’t deleted everything i’ve ever done. the reason i haven’t done a number of other things that i won’t say because they aren’t really relevant. is because i have chosen not to. it is incredibly hard sometimes. but it is still a choice you have to consciously make. you have to consciously decide to hurt someone. you have to consciously decide to say things. you have to consciously decide to humiliate your best friend in front of countless other people.

regina did make those choices.

and for that she does deserve consequences. she deserves repercussions and she deserves flack. she does not deserve to get hit by a bus (except for it being the catalyst to help her realize she needs to change) or being force fed to reach her biggest insecurity and fear without her knowledge.

she made the earliest choice when she was either eleven or twelve years old, that we know of.

that is a child.

regina is a child who is clearly suffering in some way we don’t see. she absolutely should be held accountable for what she does and what she has done. but she also deserves to be allowed to apologize and try to make amends. she deserves to be allowed the opportunity for growth and to heal and to become a functional adult who is capable of meaningful relationships and success. she deserves to be allowed to try.

does she deserve immediate or any forgiveness? no. the people around her also deserve the ability to make the choices with her that they will. she has caused harm, people are allowed to process the harm she has put upon them however they will.

but she deserves the opportunity to make it a choice for them.

she deserves a chance at redemption.

[valcetious]

"𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑲 𝑪𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑻𝑼𝑹𝑬𝑺."

pairing: childe x reader

tags: toxic relationship, manipulation, delusional thinking, implied abuse, implied entrapment, romanticised physical harm, reference to death

w/c: 1349

a/n: the themes of this fic are a tad, uhhh… questionable. i like to indulge in the fucked up characterisation ideas in my head sometimes, so here we are. tartaglia is obviously my victim for this because of reasons that i do not believe need further explaining lmfaooo. author has bpd so there’s lots of undertones of that, my bad y’all. heed the tags!

translations: милый (miliy) = “dear”, “darling” [gn] // любимый (lyubimyy) = “beloved” [masc]

“it didn’t matter that he was a wolf behind the guise of a sheep. it didn’t matter that he hunted you from the shadows. for you, the lamb, were willing no matter the consequences – for you all are sick creatures.”

childe was many things. many contradicting things. as were you.

maybe that’s why it was so easy to find yourselves entangled with each other - unable to tear yourselves apart. lost amongst each other.

you didn’t mind, truly. you were content to be lost amongst him of all people. he was your everything. the reason your heart beat, the reason your lungs filled with oxygen, the reason your eyes could see. he was everything.

nothing would change that, ever. nothing could sully this idolised view of him. nothing could ever erase him. he was a form of unattainable perfection – the epitome of all things right in this world of deluded views.

maybe if life had been kinder to you, you never would never have found solace in him. maybe, if life had shown you true love, you would have seen the truth behind what you perceived to be love. but alas; life was not kind, nor had it shown you true love.

and so, when kindness and love is devoid – it’s easy to find yourself falling for what your brain believes you deserve. you begin to break yourself down and rebuild yourself. piece by piece, block by block, you become an entity different from what you first came to this world as. you rebirth your soul, telling yourself that this life, this life of instability and pain, is the only constant you will ever have. and over time, you develop a certain view of life and love. you develop a certain attachment to people. one that consumes your entire being – an attachment that poisons everything it touches.

like a moth to a flame, you remember so clearly the first time your eyes fell upon him. it was as if he demanded your gaze, an indescribable force pulling you towards him. he looked back at you, or maybe through you. you weren’t sure. you can recall the shivers that went down your spine, his gaze strong and steadfast.

he was the enemy. at least, supposed to be. no enemy should shine as brightly as he did, you thought.

you remember so clearly the first time you saw that look in his eyes. the one that gazed at you as if you were the most desirable thing in the world.

in that moment, his hands were wrapped around your throat, a sickening grin on his face. despite the feral madness he wore, somehow, he seemed like a work of art. so strong, determined, passionate. and yet, he was going to kill you, you were the enemy. of course he was going to kill you. but the panic that should’ve been filling your body simply ceased to exist. no alarms bells. no warnings symbols. just a single, floating thought.

he was beautiful.

the weight of his hands around your throat seemed to be less of a burden at that realisation. it was almost as if it morphed into a comfort - something to remind you of how fragile you were under his fingers. maybe that thought should’ve disturbed you, but it didn’t. instead, you felt some sort of satisfaction.

some sort of purpose arising at the concept of being discarded by him.

the way his eyes searched yours left you feeling oddly charmed – his attention focused on you and you only. his orbs were dull, as if he were dead inside; funny, considering he had such a disarming smile. you looked over his face, really looking this time. he truly was beautiful, physically too.

you remember the way his fingers loosened around your neck after a moment, his orbs darkening as he smiled. though this smile wasn’t the same grin of sadistic pleasure he had previously worn. he seemed almost pleased, as if you were some sort of treasure that he’d been searching for all his life.

“you’re perfect.”

in childe, you found purpose. he loved you. he did. and you loved him. madly so.

and that was precisely the problem. you loved each other. too much.

you loved each other so much that pain and suffering were synonymous with love. you loved each other so much that not even death would do you apart. and childe knew this. he knew this all too well.

childe knew you were irrevocably his. knew that no matter what would happen, you would never run. you were simply his. his to have forever. his to keep, to own, to have. and he would have all of you. your body, your mind, your thoughts, your actions. all of it would be belonging to him, and him only. he would make sure of it, no matter the cost.

perhaps you should’ve known better. maybe part of you did know better. but did any of that matter? did any of it really matter? the world without childe was dark, threatening, consuming. everything was horrible — until him. he arrived and suddenly, things seemed to take shape. a sense of self started to emerge.

and yet, it was hardly a sense of self; rather a collection of delusional ideas that were fed and tended to by the one you fixated upon. you had fooled yourself into thinking it was you.

but see, there was some simplicity in losing your mind.

there was peace in indulgence of your delusional thoughts.

it was sick — you were sick. and you could not be treated — this sickness rotted you from the inside out. no amount of medicine or healing would quell your soul of this darkness.

“милый,” the harbinger purred, a blood-stained hand wiping a tear from your cheek, “you’re so pretty when you cry.”

you trembled underneath his touch, the pain from your abdomen flaring up throughout your whole body. and yet - the pain was nothing compared to that adoration in childe’s eyes. a whimper escaped your lips as you shifted, and the harbinger cooed. it was a soft, sweet sound. like a parent hushing their young. a bloody finger pressed against your lips, a sickeningly sweet smile painted upon his features.

“shhh, you’re doing so well for me,” childe murmured, pressing a kiss to your exposed collarbones.

your eyes flicker to childe’s right hand, catching the glint of the dagger in the moonlight. stained in your blood, and your blood only. a special dagger, just for you, as childe had described it. your eyes trail back to his face. his eyes watched you with so much curiosity, it made you feel so bare under his gaze; as if he were peering into the deepest parts of you. his gaze aligned with yours, his empty eyes boring holes into you. despite the dullness, there was a glint of passion burning within them.

he revelled in your pain. and you loved it.

you loved him.

“would you die for me, милый?” childe’s voice questioned, the hand that sat upon the back of your neck tightening with his words.

“without a second thought, любимый,” you had replied, eyes sliding shut at the pressure of childe’s fingers.

you didn’t need to think about the answer. you knew without childe, you were lost. death was a sweeter release than a world without him. you couldn’t live without childe. it was impossible. you couldn’t let him go. he was worth the cost of everything.

the red-head hummed, a satisfied look on his face. you were so perfect – truly. no other soul so blindly loved him in the way you did. no other soul had ever come close to the sickness within him. until you.

that lovestruck look in yours eyes when he would hurt you only proved your loyalty.

and he was determined to keep that loyalty. even if it meant destroying you and rebuilding you all over again, by his hands only.

no other would ever come close to you.

you were a sick creature, as was he.

you were made for no one but him.

© valcetious, cross-posted on ao3.

requests currently open!

[baby-zakarii]

Appreciation post!

This is going to be a huge appreciation post for all babies who are stigmatized for various reasons!

Feel free to leave a comment if you think I should add anything!

Cw: there will be mentions of behaviors that might be triggering for some! Here are cws so you know what to expect! (Can't add them in tags cause they hide the post :(()

Cw: diapers, accidents, m*asturb*tion, s*x mention, medical stuff, add*cti*n, substances mention, selfh*rm

You are a valid regressor if you:

- use catherer/ostomy bag!❤️

- use a feeding tube!❤️

- are an amputee!❤️

- have acne, vitiligo, eczema or any other skin conditions!❤️

- have scars!❤️

- are fat!❤️

- have diabetes!❤️

- have heart problems!❤️

- have disorders (NPD, ASPD, BPD etc.)!❤️

- have STDs!❤️

- have PCOS!❤️

- have HIV!❤️

- have pica!❤️

- are hypers*xual!❤️

- have high libido!❤️

- m*sturbate while small for various reasons!❤️

- sniff, bite, lick things for various reasons!❤️

- stim by grinding against objects!❤️

- do dr*gs, smoke, drink!❤️

- are an add*ct!❤️

- struggle with selfh*rm!❤️

- have messing/wetting accidents!❤️

- are incontinent!❤️

- have hygiene problems!❤️

- pick your nose!❤️

- comfortvoid (wet or mess for comfort reasons)!❤️

And to every other baby, remember - the behaviors described in this post are often trauma responses! They do not mean that the person is gross, icky or s*xualizing regression!

And the disorders/conditions are never your fault baby, you are precious and deserve a headpat❤️

[borderline-culture-is]

Bpd and maybe HPD (ppl with HPD PLZ reblog/reply bc all resources I find basically sound stigmatizing af -- I was diagnosed with it [I cannot contact the place of my diagnosis] and am unsure ab if its accurate or not bc all articles and symptom lists sound demonizing :<) culture is freaking out about your FP not giving you attention, about not being the center of their attention and about them talking to others. Like ik you deserve to have other friends but FOR FUCKS SAKE LOOK AT ME HI I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THESE PEOPLE COMBINED PLEASE LOOK AT ME AND ONLY ME.

I hate having the symptom of FPs so much it makes me feel terrible 😭 -🧪🦝 (I think that was our tag?)

.

[rattymcratface]

short asra alnazar x gn!reader concept that's been sitting in my drafts

He sees you as you are, in the dark.

Red eyes zero in on him before turning away.

"Will you forgive me?"

Your voice comes out as chilly as a mid-winter storm, but Asra finds a beauty within the sound that you would scoff at should he reveal his honesty.

"What is there to forgive?" he replies, unperturbed.

He takes a few steps closer and you flinch away, curling inwards.

"I am a monster," you spit out, almost choking on the word.

"A vampire." he adds on.

"Exactly. If you knew that much already, then you should know to stop," you hiss, baring your sharp fangs in a last ditch attempt at a warning. He's getting too close.

But Asra is the stubborn type, as you've grown to know, reluctantly.

Asra stands right before you. He only gives a nonchalant glance to your bloodstained maw before meeting your eyes once more.

You break away from his gaze, ashamed. You half-heartedly try to wipe away the blood but you just end up covering yourself in it even more, painting yourself in an even more beastly appearance.

You end up settling with covering the lower half of your face with your sleeve. At least the black of the fabric hides the revolting mess underneath.

note: yes i have been brain rotting about the inherent eroticism and queerness of vampires so what. also i will probably never finish/expand this haha. originally i wanted to write a short 2-3 part story about asra and vampire!MC where they meet overseas somewhere that has winter. MC just woke up from their long slumber and the winter sun doesn't hurt them that much. asra is traveling (bc of course they are) and boom they meet in a market or something and asra is immediately intrigued by them. cue many weeks of begrudging friendship (at least on MC's part) and this was supposed to be the reveal of their vampiric nature. this is a HUGE step in their relationship and MC finally allows themselves to indulge in happiness :3 honestly their relationship can be read as platonic or romantic either way i just wanted to write asra unconditionally loving someone (vampirism as a metaphor for BPD my beloved) despite them not believing they deserve. so yes. very self indulgent.

i think this note is longer that the actual post. feel free to use this idea if you want to just tag me please please please i also want to see more vamp content 🙏

[spopsalt]

https://www.tumblr.com/icepri/733972263580418048

Came across this post and I just KNEW that someone would tag it Catra. In fact, several people did. I decided to share some reblogs from media illiterate Catra stans featuring their ridiculous tags. For this first one, I for one have not been saying that Catra didn’t deserve a redemption arc, but that it was poorly done. Catra IS an abuser, though, and it’s concerning that this person doesn’t see that.

https://www.tumblr.com/4truestory/727478081168818176

Here’s another one. Spop fans love labeling criticism as being in “bad faith,” plus them bringing up that Catra is female and a “woc” (even though she’s not since she’s a cat girl) shows that these people only care about identity politics and aren’t actually understanding the criticism.

https://www.tumblr.com/kaleidoscopic-quiddity/727095645511483392

Apparently according to this person, anyone who thinks Catra is evil is a “dumbass.” Imagine equating Catra to Mabel Pines like this. Catra stans continue to name-call anyone with a braincell who calls Catra what she is.

https://www.tumblr.com/articulate-anxious-atheist/727034897609490432

This one is concerning- this person can’t handle critical analysis towards a character just bc they relate to them? I highly doubt they’re in the same spot as Catra unless they’re abusing people and committing horrible crimes lol. Catra kinnies with no self awareness like this are so worrying, man.

https://www.tumblr.com/lime-peaches666/727029118222450688

Finally, this person is just ablest with how they’re insisting that Catra being “bpd coded” (which is literally just a headcanon) means she can’t be evil and are accusing her critics of ablesim.

As for the post itself, what’s funny is that it’s about Gwen Stacy, a character who isn’t even comparable to Catra. We know that Catra reacted in an understandable way (to an extent, anyway) to enormous horrible stakes, trauma, and consequences, and is a teenage girl. However, she’s still indeed deeply and unquivacably a bad person lmao. She willingly stays with terrorists despite being offered a way out several times, commits various war crimes with no remorse, enjoys tormenting others, etc. Catra being a teenage girl doesn’t mean that she can’t be a bad person?? Amphibia literally proves this with Sasha (a teen girl who’s much younger than Catra) since she herself reacts in an understandable way to enormous horrible stakes (trying to get home), trauma (her parents’ divorce), and consequences (being stuck in Amphibia). However, the other characters call her out for being a bad person and she changes. These factors, along with her age and gender, are not used as an excuse. I’m so sick of Catra apologists applying their bs to everything like this.

No matter if they have BPD, trauma or anything else, they can still be a horrible person, we can feel sympathy for them but it's not an excuse, what's so hard to understand?

[anniedreamwilldo]

Lateral Thinking

by sadspatula

complete | rated M | 20,146 words | wolfstar

At twenty eight years old, Sirius Black is well accustomed to what he believes his lot in life is and wants to make the best of it. He loves his friends dearly and their long-held tradition of the weekly pub quiz. He’s as happy as anyone like him deserves to be, but suddenly everything is changing and he can’t keep up. Isn’t it funny how quickly things can fall apart?

A modern muggle wolfstar AU written for the Siriusly Hozier Fest. Prompt: “are there limits to any emptiness?”

Read on AO3

Hello hi this is a self promo but this lil story is super special to me and I actually never posted it on here!! Mind the tags but overall it’s basically just self indulgent fluff 🫶🏻

Saying this, another disclaimer because I got kind of a shitty comment on it - the fic delves into some heavy mental health themes, many of which are rooted in my own experiences. Sirius is written as a character with BPD by an author with BPD - people experience this illness differently, his experience with it is based on mine.

Love n wolfstar

- annie xx

[queerautism]

Hello, I'm secretly a bordergenic system. I have anti endo tags blocked. When I saw reblogs on your blog being filtered, I got worried. Then I checked the post and realized you were defending us! I can't really call myself traumagenic because I'm not diagnosed with OSDD or DID or anything like that. I can't call myself endogenic because I have BPD and that's a trauma related disorder. Because of this I keep my "condition" or my "facets" to myself. I think the point of all this is, thank you. You defending inclusivity means people like me who don't fit the conventional mould can feel safe.

I'll be backing you up in the notes :)

Sorry for worrying you! I don't go looking for a fight these days anymore tbh, but I do follow general plural tags and traumagenic tags since that's what we are, and if any bullshit gets posted there we'll absolutely speak up against it.

However you're comfortable labelling your system, you deserve respect and you have a place in my plural community. Thank you for the support 💜

[darlingian]

✨ weekly tag wednesday ✨

name: c h a n i

zodiac sign: capricorn

fuzzy socks or fuzzy blankets? fuzzy blanket (but please not that horrid sherpa fabric because touching that makes me feel like crawling out of my skin

do you enjoy winter? sometimes. I'm always looking forward to the green of spring though.

what’s your comfort book or movie? Comfort book- The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee or Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston... okay OR Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall... (Or the Carry on Simon Snow trilogy by Rainbow Rowell. lmao okay that's it I swear.) Comfort movie- Little Women 2019, Jane Eyre 2011, or Hugh Grant early/mid 90s romcoms.

what’s your favorite way to wind down after a long day? the devil's lettuce and/or a good fanfic.

tell me something you like about yourself: not applicable.

favorite artist? whoever is making me feel things.

how do you practice self-care? (I don't real feel deserving of self care. So maybe the few times a year I let myself get my nails done.)

what’s a song that makes you feel joyful? I've literally been sitting here trying to think of something for like 5 minutes. lmao.

a book you want to read this year: I'd like to reread Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

what advice would you give your younger self? Get out. Don't settle. You have adhd and bpd and it'll be way easier if you get that sorted early.

and finally, you’re given a plane ticket to anywhere in the world, no strings attached. where are you going? Scotland.

Thank you @heymacy for making the game this week and for the tag! Thanks also to these lovely folks for thinking of me: @michellemisfit @deedala @energievie @creepkinginc and I'll tag these fine people if they wanna participate: @too-schoolforcool @mickeysgaymom @gardenerian @heymrspatel @gallawitchxx @juliakayyy @sickness-health-all-that-shit @depressedstressedlemonzest @softmick @milkmaidovich @thepupperino @callivich @transmickey @sam-loves-seb @crossmydna @palepinkgoat @suchagallabitch