#i think the nerves of that isnt letting me sleep

[transgaysex]

debating whether i should just stay up for the next 2 hours and change my schedule asap before taking a power nap of sorts

[mothandpidgeon]

Unrequited (bfd! pre-outbreak!/Jackson!Joel Miller x f!reader)

Moth's Masterlist // follow @mothandpidgeon-updates and turn on notifications to stay updated with my fics!

pairing: bfd! pre-outbreak!/Jackson!Joel Miller x f!reader

rating: E 18+MDNI

summary: You arrive in Jackson 22 years after the outbreak only to be reunited with your best friend’s dad, the man that stole your heart and broke it when you were fourteen– Joel Miller.

contents: best friend's dad, age gap, outbreak night (nothing that isnt in ep 1), big angst, abandonment issues, brief suicidal ideation, daddy issues, grief, Joel guilt, unprotected p in v sex, reader doesn't know where Jakarta is, reader is not described physically but Joel picks (adult) reader up, moth never uses y/n.

wc: 9k

a/n: This has been a bitch to finish but I'm quite proud of where it ended up. It's the longest os I've written which makes me nervous nobody will want to read it but I hope you do.

Thank you a million times to @ezrasbirdie for making me finish this and betaing. Also thank you @lowlights for listening to me ramble on this! Dividers by @saradika-graphics

Old man, take a look at your life. I’m a lot like you. Neil Young

You’re waiting for Sarah on the front steps when she gets home. School ended nearly two hours ago and you’ve been sitting here a ball of nerves. The whole world seems to be uneasy this afternoon. You notice sirens, a team of fighter jets scrambling above. It's like your anxiety has spilled out of your chest and it’s taken life all around you. 

You finger the corner of your notebook. On the inside are doodles— hearts and bubble letters. Juvenile daydreams put to paper. Your first name and after it his last, testing out the sound of who you would be if only you’d been born in a different decade. Mrs. Miller. 

Sarah doesn’t look very happy to see you. It’s been two weeks since you’ve talked to her and you’ve never felt more lonely. 

Her words still ring in your ears. 

“It’s like you’re in love with my dad.”

“No I'm not!” you said, your whole body tingling with the heat of embarrassment. You’d never felt so exposed in your life. 

“Sometimes I think that’s the only reason you’re even friends with me,” she said. 

You've been ruminating on that accusation ever since. You pine for Mr. Miller the way only a fourteen year old can. It’s the kind of infatuation that makes you understand how Romeo and Juliet ended in tragedy. All-consuming, unrequited, so in love it hurts.

So maybe Sarah’s right. Your heart flutters every time Mr Miller appears in the kitchen, wearing a dark t-shirt that hugs his biceps. You try not to stare at his aquiline nose when he drives you home from Sarah’s soccer games. Sleep overs at the Miller’s house mean more opportunities to be around him, learn the little details that make him him. And there were plenty of sleep overs because your parents are always so busy fighting, they never bother to keep track of you. 

But you’ve been in agony without your friend. It’s a pain sharper and more present than the yearning you’ve felt for Mr. Miller. You’ve talked to her every day since you moved to Austin in fourth grade and since this fight, there’s been an empty space in your heart. 

“Hi.” You stand up, hoisting your backpack awkwardly over your shoulder. 

“I’m supposed to go next door,” Sarah says. 

“Can I just talk to you for a minute?” you ask. 

She sighs but opens the front door with her key and lets you follow her into the living room. 

“I’m sorry,” you say before you lose your nerve. “You’re right. I like your dad.”

It’s probably the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever owned up to. You wish you could explain to her that you know how silly it is to be in love with a full grown man, your best friend’s dad. It’s not like he’ll ever see you as anything other than a kid. 

You can’t put into words how he makes you feel. It’s not just his broad shoulders or chocolate eyes, though it’s undeniable that he’s gorgeous. He asks about school and comes to see you in the musical. Joel is an adult that actually gives a crap about you. 

You want to tell Sarah that one of the reasons you love her father so much is because of her. Because he’s such a good dad, because he raised such a cool, funny, smart daughter. That Sarah makes him better. 

It’ll take years for you to find words for all of that. So you just do your best right now. 

“I can’t help it. I wish I could,” you say. 

That’s true. And not just because your crush has made you lose your only friend. It’s exhausting to feel such a powerful longing, to want something you know you’ll never have. It’s torture. 

“But you’re my best friend. And that’s not why. I promise,” you say. 

Sarah sighs heavily, her pretty hazel eyes full of remorse. 

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I shouldn’t have said that. I just get jealous sometimes.”

“I promise I won’t make you feel that way ever again. I could never like him more than you,” you tell her, sitting beside her on the couch and looking her in the eye so she knows you mean it. “He’s…old.”

You both laugh. 

“He’s so lame. This morning he said that Jakarta is in the Middle East,” she giggles. 

You don’t know where the hell Jakarta is but of course Sarah does. You throw your arms around her. You’ve missed her so damn much. The past two weeks have felt like two decades. 

“I’m sorry,” you tell her. 

“Me too.” She returns your embrace. “Do you have to go home? You can sleep over if you want. It’s my dad’s birthday but I don’t think he’s going to be home until late.”

Your heart twinges at the offer and not because it means you might see Mr. Miller at breakfast. You won’t even look at him again. Tonight is about your friend.

You end up watching some corny action movies and gorging yourselves on microwave popcorn. Everything feels right again. You don’t think about Mr. Miller. In fact, you’re grateful that his double has gone over into a late night so you don’t have to be in the same room. You’ve sworn to yourself that you’ll act normal around him but you’re not sure that sheer willpower can stop you from getting butterflies when he’s right there. 

At some point, you pass out in front of the tv, happier than you’ve been in a long time. 

Sarah nudges you awake sometime after midnight, concern all over her face. 

“Was I snoring?” you ask, groggy. 

She’s looking out the window. Helicopters fly so low overhead, the whole house rattles. It’s a wonder you slept through all of this noise— the choppers are joined by the wail of a car alarm, pops like fireworks. The TV is playing a high-pitched tone and when you peer at it, you see a test pattern on the screen. 

Dread settles in the pit of your stomach. 

“Something’s going on,” Sarah says almost to herself. 

A sudden thud against the back door makes you both jump. You swear, shaken out of your sleepy haze. 

“Mercy?” Sarah asks. 

You’ve spent enough time with Sarah to become acquainted with their neighbors The Adlers and their border collie Mercy. Mr Adler used to pay you each a dollar to walk him. Mercy’s frantically pawing at the glass. 

Sarah goes to the door and steps into the yard. You follow, unsure you want to leave the familiar safety of the house but unwilling to be alone with such an eerie feeling in the air. 

“What’re you doing out here, boy?” Sarah says, crouching down to pet the whimpering animal.  

“Where’s your dad?” you ask her. 

You hope the question doesn’t make Sarah think you’ve already forgotten your promise. Everything’s just so wrong. You’d feel a lot better with an adult around. 

“Don’t think he came home yet,” she says. You can hear the concern in her voice. “Let’s take Mercy back. The Alder’s will be home.” 

Mercy puts up a fight as Sarah pulls him across the lawn. It’s late and dark save the street lamp and a few porch lights that have been left on. You shiver despite the fact that it’s a warm southern night. 

The front door to the Adler’s house stands open and inside is black. No. Bad. You want to run back to the Miller’s house and lock the door behind you but the promise of Mr. And Mrs. Adler inside keeps you moving towards the darkened entrance. Maybe Mrs. Adler will give you some cookies while you wait for Mr. Miller. 

Sarah steps in first. The dog bucks and strains against her grip on his collar. Sarah fights to keep hold of him but Mercy’s thrashing makes him hard to pin down. He pulls free from Sarah’s grasp and darts away. 

You have half a mind to do the same but Sarah keeps going forward. She’s scared, too, her breaths shallow as she tip toes down the hall.  

“Mrs. Adler?” Sarah asks, her voice barely above a whisper. 

You reach for each other without even realizing it and you enter the kitchen holding hands. 

What you see there is beyond your wildest imaginings. There’s blood, a lot of it. Sarah’s shoe slides in the stuff and you grab her before she loses her balance. The room is cast in shadows but a street light streams through the window in the side door. Its beam falls over the form of Mr. Adler, limp on the floor. His back is against the door and a gush of dark blood sparkles in the sodium vapor. 

You’ve never seen so much blood, never seen anyone injured so brutally. It looks like he’s been attacked by some wild animal. Mercy was acting strange but the dog couldn’t do that.

“Help me,” he rasps. 

He’s speaking to you. You’re actually here. This is happening and you need to do something. 

But before you can form a coherent thought, your eyes travel deeper into the kitchen. Beside the island is more blood…and more bodies. 

As if seeing Sarah’s neighbor with his neck ripped open wasn’t enough of a horror, you’re now watching Nana hunched over Mrs. Adler’s corpse, her face buried in the younger woman’s neck. The scene before you makes no sense. Most of the time the old woman is barely conscious, hasn’t left her wheelchair in years and yet she’s on all fours before you looking feral. 

Sarah squeezes your hand so tight you’re afraid your knuckles will break. 

Nana slowly raises her face to you. Her eyes are pitch black and her mouth teems with twitching tendrils. You are staring at a living, breathing monster. 

When she leaps at you, you and Sarah bolt for the door. Your heart hammers against your ribs. Sarah makes it out first and races towards the sidewalk. 

Once you’ve gotten onto the front step, you slam the storm door shut behind you to trap whatever that thing is inside. SLAM. Nana collides with the door and it rattles violently. You hold it closed with every ounce of strength in you, listening to the creature behind it scratch and wail and willing yourself not to look through the glass to see its horrible face. Terror holds your muscles taught. You’re not sure how long you can stay like this, your sneakers skidding across the ground. 

With a roar, Uncle Tommy’s truck pulls up at that very moment and Mr. Miller hops out of the passenger seat before its even come to a full stop. He’s a fearsome sight, broad and rippling with untamed energy, his muscular arms outlined by the headlights of the car. You’ve never been more grateful for his presence. 

This nightmare is almost over. Joel’s come to save you. 

“Girls get in the car!” he bellows. His voice is raw and ragged. 

Just as you’re ready to make a run for it, The door flings out towards you, and you’re thrown aside as if you weigh nothing. You hit the driveway hard, your head connecting with concrete. 

For a moment, you can’t hear anything but the gush of blood pumping in your ears. You’re dizzy. Suffocating. There’s a warm trickle at your temple. Sarah calls your name. Your vision is blurred but you can make out the ghoulish form of the creature barreling towards her. 

“What’re we doing, Joel?” you hear Tommy ask.

There’s a thud and then quiet. 

You gasp again and again but your lungs won’t fill. 

Are you dying? Help. You need help. The monster lays lifeless at Joel’s feet and you pray that he’ll scoop you up and take you away from this. Your eyes finally come into focus to see Mr. Miller comforting Sarah, holding her face in his big palms, so fixated on her that he doesn’t notice that Mr. Adler has appeared in the doorway. 

Mr. Adler is still covered in so much blood and his gait has become twitchy as if his legs are on backwards. He moves towards them and you want to call out a warning but you’re still choking for air. Luckily he hasn’t noticed you but he soon stands between you and the Millers. 

“We’ve got to move,” Tommy says. 

“Get in the car,” Mr. Miller says to Sarah, throwing a protective arm in front of her. 

“But she’s hurt!”

She steps towards you. You’d cry her name but you’ve still got the wind knocked out of you and you’re too terrified to make a noise. Mr. Adler makes an inhuman sound as he advances, a croaking, growling gurgle. 

Mr. Miller pushes Sarah towards the truck. 

“Leave her!” he barks. “Get in the car!”

You sputter and choke as you watch Sarah, Joel, and Tommy drive away. 

You wait for a long time. 

As the truck pulls off of the curb, Mr. Adler is joined by his wife in the street, making chase. You’re finally able to draw breath and rouse your body off of the ground. You scramble back across the lawn to the Miller’s house and lock yourself inside. There’s enough adrenaline coursing through you that you’re able to push the sofa to barricade the front door. You draw all of the curtains and grab the biggest knife you can find in the kitchen. It’s ridiculous, something you’ve seen in scary movies, but you’re living in one right now. 

You hide yourself away. Sarah’s bedroom seems like the obvious place to do it. Familiar and safe. You curl yourself into a ball in the corner, clutching your knife and staring at the closed door with wild eyes. 

Sirens go through the night. Gunshots. At one point even the roar of a jet engine. 

For hours your body quivers as you try to make sense of what you’ve just witnessed. Flesh-eating mutants. Gore. Death. You keep waiting to wake up from a bad dream but you don’t. They left you. They abandoned you in a nightmare. 

No. That’s impossible. You can accept that a comatose elderly woman made supper out of her son in law but you refuse to believe that Joel would desert you. 

He’ll come back for you. Sarah will convince him. There’s always been room for you in their family. 

But as the sun begins to peek through the blinds and the noises outside fade away, you begin to lose hope. 

The muscles in your body go slack, exhausted from hours of uncontrollable shaking. Your instinct for survival and your need for sleep war with each other. Exhaustion is winning. 

You cautiously open the door to Sarah’s room. The house is still, more quiet than you’ve ever experienced. You creep into the room at the end of the hall. The olive green sheets on Joel’s bed are still messy from when he woke up here the day before. A normal morning. His birthday. 

You rest the knife on the night stand amongst the things he emptied from his pockets— coins, receipts, a stray nail. You slip into the bed and wrap yourself up. It smells like him— spicy deodorant and sweat, fresh cut lumber like the hardware store. The scent reminds you of all those times he was close, when your heart leapt. 

They’ll come back. Mr. Miller wouldn’t leave you. 

He left you to die but you just go on living.  

It takes some time before you’re brave enough to leave the Miller’s house and see what’s left of the world. Your parents are nowhere to be found. It’s safe to assume they were infected that first night. 

You’re on your own. 

A QZ is set up outside of San Antonio. They assign you to housing for separated minors. An orphanage. You never make friends, not really. Trust is too fickle.

At night you lay in your bunk and wonder what life would be like if anybody gave a shit about you. Maybe you would have been with your parents when it all went down. You’d be a snarling monster but at least you wouldn’t be alone. 

On the worst nights, when you like yourself the least, Mr. Miller’s words echo around your skull. “Leave her.” She's not worth it. Forget her. 

You don’t imagine yourself in his arms anymore. Instead you picture him and Sarah and Uncle Tommy, all happy and safe hiding out somewhere idyllic. A sweet little cabin with a stream nearby, surrounded by peaceful woods. You’ve heard some people live like that.

Some days you wish you were with them. Others you wish they were all dead. 

When you turn 18, you age out of your living situation. It couldn’t come soon enough. Things are changing and it seems like all the kids that stay in FEDRA school are being groomed to go straight into uniform. You dodged that bullet but life’s not easy. Now you’re well and truly alone, scraping by to keep food in your mouth and a roof over your head. 

It only lasts a few years, though. By the time you’re 21, there’s an emergency evacuation. Outbreaks are happening within the walls and with so many people living on top of each other, it’s only a matter of time before shit hits the fan. They send swaths of people to Dallas but word is, there’s no room for such numbers and they consider everyone from San Antonio an infection risk. 

You’ve heard enough stories to know what that means. There won’t be a warm welcome when you reach the next QZ. So you ditch the convoy and head north. 

You bounce around for years, sometimes with others, a lot of time solo. Doing what you have to. It’s not a life, just survival. 

By the time you reach the wilds of Wyoming, you’ve had enough. You break off from the group you’re traveling with. You leave them this time, just decide to walk into the forest and let the earth swallow you up. You’re exhausted, sick of hanging on by a thread. Too much of a coward to kill yourself, you wander around waiting for the cold or your hunger or a bear to do it for you. 

They find you. Some scouts that look mean and tough take pity on you and offer you a place with them in a commune where things are half normal. 

It’s the first time being alone has worked to your advantage.  

Jackson is a strange place. It has walls like the QZ but it’s quaint. There’s laughter and evergreen wreaths, happy children that build snowmen in the center of town. Some of these kids have no idea how fucked up the world has become. All they know is this charming little haven. 

You spend the first few days in the infirmary, getting patched up, regaining your strength. You feel like an animal compared to the people in your new community. It’s hard to accept that they’re willing to help you, no strings attached. 

Eventually you’re well enough to have your own place. They set you up with a little apartment over one of the stores in town. You’re invited to take your meals in the dining hall. 

It takes you back to those first days at your new middle school after you came to Austin. Unfortunately, this time Sarah’s not there to offer you a seat at her lunch table. 

You keep to yourself, overwhelmed by all of the strange new faces. Head down, you eat your breakfast. It’s the best food you’ve had in years. As your belly fills, you start to relax and try to get used to the idea of this being home. 

Then you hear a familiar voice say your name. You wonder if you’re hallucinating when you see him standing in front of you. 

He’s gained a few decades but he looks good. His hair is nearly shoulder length and there’s a mustache on his upper lip but that’s him alright. 

“Uncle Tommy?” you manage. 

“That really you?” he asks. 

Tommy puts a gentle hand on your shoulder. His smile wrinkles the corners of his eyes. You nod and you’re smiling too.  

You expect to be upset. Tommy was there when you were abandoned after all. But you’re flooded with relief and a small flame of hope. 

“Shit. What’re the chances?” he asks, studying your face. “C’mere.”

He pulls you through the lines of tables. Your head spins with questions. How did he end up in Wyoming of all places? How long has he been here? Did you actually die out there only to be sent to this strange afterlife? 

“You remember this old son of a bitch?” Tommy asks with a chuckle when he stops at the table in a far corner. 

And suddenly you’re face to face with Mr. Miller. 

He’s old. Grey hairs run through his stubble and curl from his temple. There are deep lines in his face. He’s still good looking despite how weathered his features have become, still broad, still with that wonderful silhouette.

It’s funny. In your mind’s eye, you’ve never imagined Joel aging. He stayed the same while you grew up. 

He looks at you for a long moment and then his thick bottom lip falls agape. His eyes glitter and his dimple appears as he recognizes the woman that you’ve become. 

“Kiddo,” he whispers as he stands up. 

He pulls you into a hug and his wide palm smooths down your back. He still smells just how you remember and without warning you’re sobbing into the front of his flannel. 

You spent hours upon hours imagining what you might say if you ever saw him again. Sometimes it was a speech biting with venom, others a confession, a question. Now, though, your mind is blank, overwhelmed that fate has brought you back together. A testament to your survival. 

“It’s alright, babygirl. You’re okay,” he says into your hair. Words you needed to hear all those years ago. 

You stay like this for a long time, surrounded by him. He holds you the way you wished he had as you cried into his pillow in that empty house. Eventually you pull yourself together with a shaking breath. 

“Where’s Sarah?” you ask, casting your eyes around the crowd in the mess hall. 

There’s a girl sitting beside Joel, her curly hair pulled back into a ponytail, watching this scene unfold. Everyone else is polite enough to pretend you’re not bawling in the middle of lunch. Can’t be the first time it’s happened. 

At your question, Tommy goes stone faced. The muscle in Joel’s jaw ticks. 

You shake your head in disbelief. “Infected?” you squeak out. 

“It wasn’t like that,” Joel chokes. 

“She didn’t make it through that first night,” Tommy says. 

It’s a punch in the gut, the air’s knocked out of your chest all over again. While it had crushed you to be abandoned, part of you understood. Joel had to choose and he picked his daughter. Even if he’d been in love with you the way you used to dream about, he always would have chosen Sarah. You couldn’t hold that against him, no matter how much it hurt. There just wasn’t anyone in the world that would have saved you. 

But knowing that he failed her, that he failed you both, makes you sick. All those years of bitterness come flooding back to you and your tears turn hot and furious. 

“You let her die?” you demand. “You told her to leave me behind and you didn’t even save her?” You push Joel, your hands against the wet spots you left on his shirt. It’s ineffectual. He barely moves against your pathetic shove but his face crumples. You know he hates himself as much as you do in that moment but that’s not enough. You hit him as hard as you can and he does nothing to defend himself. 

“Hey, hey,” Tommy says, trying a hand on your shoulder. 

“You should’ve saved her,” you bark. 

Heads have turned now as Tommy holds you back. 

“I hoped you were dead every day since you left me,” you say. 

You can see on his face that Joel’s definitely wished the same thing. 

You go on berating him, your tears mixing with spit as you snarl and shout, until Tommy’s able to wrestle you out of the dining hall. 

The summer comes. After a long, cold winter, everyone in Jackson welcomes the change of seasons with open arms. Everyone but Joel. 

Ellie was a salve for the deep wounds on his heart. They’ll never fully heal but at least they stopped overwhelming him for some time. Since your dramatic reunion, though, those scars have been torn open once more. Especially today. 

It’s warm and there’s barely a cloud in the sky. The July weather is mild compared to summers in Texas. Fresh air blows in through the open windows of the house, beckoning Joel outside but he has no desire to be in the sunshine. 

“You okay?” Ellie asks. 

She’s just come down the stairs. It’s early and Joel’s already at the kitchen table. Didn’t sleep much. 

He and Ellie have been together long enough that she understands the wordless shifts in his moods. They’ve gotten worse since you arrived in Jackson. He does his work and patrols, sometimes he nurses a whiskey alone at the bar. The rest of the time he keeps to himself. He’s sliding back towards the man she met back in Boston. Joel’s rebuilt the walls that surrounded him, brick by brick since that afternoon in the dining hall. 

“I was going to meet Dina at the mess. Want to come? Or I could stick around?” she offers. 

It’s going to be one of those dark days, the kind that makes him question why he’s been hanging on for so long, and Ellie knows it. She’s giving him a lifeline, offering to be with him so he doesn’t have to ask. He should accept it, but he doesn’t want to waste his energy putting on a brave face for her when he feels so broken. 

“That’s alright, Ellie. Go on,” he says. 

She doesn’t push him. She never does. She just gives a sympathetic smile before she slips out. 

Once seems gone, his heart begins to ache. 

Sometime later, there’s a knock at the door. The last person he expects to see on the porch is you. You look a little nervous, like if he’d taken longer to come to the door you might’ve bolted. 

He hasn’t spoken to you since that day that you came back into his life but the words you said play relentlessly on loop in his mind. He should have made amends by now. You were his daughter’s best friend and of all the places at the end of the world, you’ve ended up in the same town. He passes by the old pharmacy you live above just about every day, thinks about seeing if you’re in so you can have a conversation. He even knows what he’d say, but he can’t work up the courage. There aren’t any words that can make right what he did to you. 

The guilt metastasized deep in his gut. His failure compounded. 

So he doesn’t blame you for keeping your distance, avoiding him when your paths cross. He lets you be angry with him, as he deserves. 

“Want some company?” you ask. 

He recognizes the look on your face and it dawns on him that he might not be the only person struggling today. He steps aside to let you in. 

Joel sets a cup of tea down in front of you. It’s not the real thing. Dried herbs from the garden Maria keeps. You’ve taken a seat across from him at the table, glancing around the kitchen so you don’t have to look at him. 

“Surprised you remember,” he says. 

“My best friend’s birthday?”

He shrugs as he pulls up a chair across from you. “Was a long time ago.”

“I think you underestimate the power of female friendships.” 

You wear a soft smile that makes Joel’s heart ache a little harder. He takes a good look at you, seeing you up close for the first time. There are hints of the girl he knew back in Austin but she’s buried under years of hard living. 

You’re the same age Sarah would have been today. The same age he was when he lost everything. 

You sigh and scratch awkwardly at your neck. 

“Listen, I’m sorry about…all that shit I said. It’s…” you trail off and he’s sure you’re still mad at him, deep down. 

“I reckon I’m the one that owes an apology. I shouldn’t’ve left you back there. Sarah begged me not to,” he admits. “I was trying to keep her safe. But I fucked that up, too.” 

“That’s not true. I was just angry,” you tell him. 

“I was always so pissed at your parents for not caring enough about you. Turns out I was just as bad,” he says. 

He hadn’t given any thought to the choice he made all those years ago. His priority was his family and he had no room for the rest of humanity. Joel didn’t realize until he saw your face again just how selfish that had made him. The past months he’s been haunted by the thought of it, a young thing all alone in the chaos. If Sarah’s watching over him, which sometimes he hopes she is, she’d be ashamed. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think since I got here and…I don’t blame you. I’m not your kid. It just—“ You laugh without humor. “God, it’s so stupid but I had a huge crush on you.”

Joel’s eyebrows shoot up. You fiddle with the chipped handle on your mug.

“I know. I was just a kid but I was head over heels for you,” you say.

Joel can feel himself blushing. It’s a sweet thought. He’s honored in a strange way. He remembers the gravity of Sarah’s crushes– Leonardo DiCaprio, Usher, some guy with a lip ring from one of those punk bands she listened to.

“So when you left me…I was a little heart broken.”

“Shit,” Joel says. 

“I didn’t say that to make you feel bad. I just wanted you to know why I was so hurt,” you tell him, leaning forward in your seat. “You didn’t know any of that. And it’s not fair to hang that over your head. It wasn’t your job to rescue me.”

“Course it was,” Joel responds. “You were just a kid. I let you down.”

You look at him gratefully and a tear slips down your cheek. It takes a minute for you to fully take that in and it seems like something you’ve needed to hear. 

“Joel. I forgive you,” you tell him. 

A thick knot forms in his throat. 

There’s a litany of names in his mind, so many people he’s failed. Henry and Sam. Tess. Sarah. He’s never expected to be absolved of any of his sins, he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. But those three words make him feel lighter, like he can stop beating himself up. At least for a moment. 

He tucks his chin into his chest trying to keep his own tears from spilling over. Your hand slips over his, a gentle, reassuring touch. 

The two of you stay like that for a little while, crying together, then becoming reacquainted. You talk for a long time. There’s a lot of catching up to do but the conversation keeps coming back to Sarah. It’s a gift to share memories of her, to hear stories that he’s never heard. You knew Sarah better than anyone in the world— her favorite store in the mall, what she wanted for her birthday. Her hopes, her dreams, her fears. No fourteen year old goes to her daddy with her problems. You were there for her, though. Right up until the end. 

“I, um, you should have this,” you say. “Well, it’s yours.”

You and Joel have migrated to the couch in the living room as the afternoon has crept on. You reach into your back pocket, a little reluctant, and pull something out. 

It’s a photograph, dog eared and creased from years of being carried with you. Joel recognizes the picture— you and him and Sarah, all three of you donning life jackets, smiling as you float on a calm river. He and Tommy took Sarah kayaking and she asked if you could tag along. It was a wonderful day. Blue, cloudless sky. 

The last time he saw the photo it was hanging under a magnet on the refrigerator in the kitchen. 

“How’d…”

“I stayed in your house for a while. After. Just kind of hoping you might come back. I took that when I left. And I ate all your food,” you say with a little chuckle. You wipe some snot from your nose. “I guess…well, you probably don’t have a lot of pictures of her.”

You’re right. There was an outdated school photograph in his wallet when they left that night and it had been too painful to look at for years. It still stings a little but it feels easier to share with someone, someone that knew her so well. 

“You sure?” he asks. 

You nod. “I know where to find it.”

He props the picture up on the coffee table so you can both look at it and meditate on that day when everything felt so perfect. 

“Remember we made you play “Crazy in Love” on on repeat the whole way there?” you ask. 

“I still get that goddamn song stuck in my head,” he complains. 

You laugh and rest your head on his shoulder. The familiar gesture cracks something open inside of him. He’s taken back to his favorite nights when he’d watch a movie with Sarah and she’d cuddle against him. Somehow the memory doesn’t hurt as much as he anticipates. 

You sit like that, looking at the picture, both quiet, your smiles fading as you remember what’s happened since. 

“Sometimes I think I see her,” he chokes. 

He’s never told anyone that. But it seems like you might understand, He trusts you won’t meet his admission with a pitying smile. 

“How’s she look?” you ask. 

He can’t help but chuckle. He nods. 

You don’t say anything, you just burrow your head a little deeper into him. Joel puts a gentle kiss in your hair. 

You’re a fixture in the Miller house once again, part of the family. You babysit for Maria and tell her embarrassing stories about Tommy. You and Ellie tease Joel relentlessly. You sit with him in the evenings, sometimes singing along when he pulls out his guitar, other nights neither of you speak at all.

Slowly, you find yourself falling in love with him all over again. It’s not the same infatuation you harbored when you were young. You’re both different people. And you hardly knew him back then. Not really. What did a fourteen year old know about grown men?

The two of you fall into an easy rhythm. After being alone for such a long time, it’s magical to have a companion. Joel seems grateful for the company, too. He’s there whenever you turn around, like a promise. He’s not leaving you behind even if you’re just going from the stables to the library. 

Neither of you acknowledge it, this easy rapport. A light squeeze on your shoulder, holding your hand when you get misty eyed. He probably doesn’t mean anything by it but you’re pretty sure you can’t live without it. You bask in the sweetness of these exchanges, trying not to think too hard about the fact that you used to spend Saturday nights giggling on his daughter’s bedroom floor. 

He’s still Mr. Miller, after all. 

Autumn comes and you’re inseparable. You realize just how much when you convince him to attend the children’s choir performance in town. You expect him to demure. Watching kids being kids must be painful. But he’s by your side in the dining hall as the little ones sing “Clementine” and “Oh Susanna”. 

He puts his arm around your shoulder so you can lean into him. It might just be a paternal gesture, maybe you’re still a little girl in his eyes. That’s ok with you if he keeps absentmindedly massaging your upper arm. You can’t remember the last time you felt so safe, so loved. 

Afterwards, he walks you home and you’re in such a good mood, you start singing to yourself.

“Johnny Cash,” he says approvingly. 

You laugh to yourself. “You know, I started listening to him ‘cause of you. You had his CD in your truck,” you admit.  

You wanted to like all of the things Joel liked. He would think you were so interesting and grown up because you knew all the words to “Riders in the Sky.”

“Least I was a good influence,” Joel says, shaking his head, his cheeks turning pink. 

He’s so handsome when he blushes, you feel a little giddy when you come to stop in front of the old pharmacy. 

“G’night, darlin’,” he says, giving your hand one last squeeze. 

He waits. He’ll stand here and watch you get inside like he always does. He doesn’t need to— it’s not like people even lock their doors in Jackson— but he’s insisted on it so fervently that you stopped arguing. 

You shouldn’t do it. It’s so silly. But there’s a softness in his eyes and his gentle touch still tingles on your arm. His salt and pepper hair is caught in the string lights that line the empty street. You can’t help yourself.  

You kiss him, smoothing your palms up the front of his flannel until you sink your fingers into the curls at the base of his neck. The tip of his nose is cold from the chill in the evening air but his lips are warm and sweet. 

You haven’t had a whole lot of experience kissing. You’d just started doing it when the outbreak happened and things haven’t been very romantic since. This is one of the better ones. Relatively chaste but unbearably tender. Certainly better than you could have imagined all those years ago. 

It lasts longer than you expect. Joel kisses you back. He rests his hand on your waist and the way it covers so much of your back makes you swoon. Soon, though, he’s pulling away, cradling your cheek. 

“We shouldn’t do that,” he says.

“I know,” you sigh. You’re reluctant to break away, savoring the brush of his nose against yours. 

It’s all wrong but you’re not ashamed for trying it. 

“Just once. I’ve always wanted to,” you say. 

He presses his lips into your forehead. It feels bittersweet. A kiss you longed for for twenty years came and went. 

You wave to him from the door before you go in for the night. 

That kiss confirms Joel’s fears.

He’s spent months convincing himself that this is completely platonic. He would never have feelings for his daughter’s best friend. Even if he always wants to be around you.   

He’s looking after you, comforting you, protecting you. He’s making up for those years that he made you suffer through. You forgave him but he’ll never stop atoning. 

And then you kissed him. 

Suddenly, he’s buried in an avalanche of thoughts he’s been disavowing. 

You’re pretty and soft. You're strong and you ease the pain of his memories. You make him feel a little less alone. 

The warmth of your lips, your body pressed to his. He was ready to lose himself in you. 

That’s when he heard it. 

It was Sarah’s voice chiding him with all the reasons why this is wrong. 

She’s been in his head, his inner critic since the day she died, pointing out every failure and weakness in him. He could picture her looking down on him with disgust. She’s the same age as your daughter. She was just a kid when you met her. She deserves better than you. 

He’s making the same mistake as before, letting his instinct get the better of him. The responsible part of him takes control. He can’t give you any more reasons to try and kiss him again. 

If Joel is good at one thing it’s denying himself. 

He backs off and you can sense it, he knows you do. Sometimes he catches you looking at him and there’s a longing in your eye. It fucking kills him but it’s just another reason why he’s no good for you. 

Despite whatever it does to you, you haven’t got anybody else in Jackson so you stick around. He can only imagine how much it hurts you. 

“Why did I go north?” you complain when Joel opens the front door. You’re holding a scarf tight around your neck, shivering against the cold. The sky is a dismal shade of gray, snowfall on the horizon. 

Joel gets you in the house with a chuckle. He starts a fire, a luxury you little apartment doesn’t afford. You shiver in front of the hearth. 

“Traded for this,” you say, pulling a thick book out of your coat and tossing it onto the coffee table. 

“Oh good. I was looking for some light reading material,” Ellie quips from her spot on the couch.  

“It’s a dictionary,” you explain, “so you’ll quit cheating at Boggle.”

“You're in trouble now,” Joel laughs. 

“I don’t cheat. I just know more words than you guys,” she says. 

“Dentment is not a word,” you reply. 

“Neither is thoard,” Joel says. 

“Sure it is. I’m about to thoard the two of you in this game,” she says.

This should be enough. A winter day by the fire. The simple joy of a board game. Laughter. This is practically a normal life. 

But each time Joel’s eyes fall on you, there’s a pang in his chest. You’re just close enough that he could reach out and touch you but he won’t. He can’t.  

When the sun sets, Ellie retreats to her room. Eventually, you fall asleep on the couch, wrapped up in a quilt as the fire dies down. You look even younger, curled up serenely. There’s no worry on your brow. Usually your face is in a perpetual frown even when you’re not in a mood.   

The snow is already knee deep with no signs of slowing. There’s no sense in sending you back out there. 

Joel scoops you up as gently as he can. He feels his age, back straining, but he doesn’t mind. He enjoys how you nestle your face into his chest as he mounts the stairs, warm and snug in his arms. A smile pulls at his lips. 

He sets you down carefully on his bed and you whimper groggily at the loss of his touch. Your eyes crack open. 

“Snowing pretty bad. Sleep here. I’ll be on the couch,” he whispers. 

“Stay,” you murmur. 

He hesitates. Carrying you to bed was already crossing a line. He’s not worried about keeping his hands to himself. He’s been able to control himself for this long. If he lays down next to you, feeling you warming his sheets, smelling the peppermint soap on your skin, he’ll be so far gone for you, there’ll be no coming back. 

But denying you this simple request feels cruel. He imagines you waking up here all alone. You’re half asleep but what if you remember asking him to remain only to be abandoned again?  

He gets into bed, still fully clothed and careful to stay on his side. His jaw is clenched so tightly his teeth hurt. You give a satisfied hum and sink back into sleep, your body melting into the mattress. 

Joel watches you for a moment, fights the urge to put a kiss on your forehead. He crosses his arms and stares at the ceiling, beginning to tangle with the web of emotions that accompany you. Once it gets too confusing, he drifts off as well. 

When you reach out for him in your sleep, he can’t deny you. Joel tries his hardest to pretend it doesn’t feel good, that this isn’t something he’s wanted to do. So he imagines the nightmares that come to you. Reminds himself that you wouldn’t have seen any of that shit if he hadn’t left you for dead. Now that you're in his arms, he’ll make sure nothing touches you ever again. The least he can do is hold you and make sure it goes no further. 

You both find reasons that you should stay the night. Neither of you acknowledge it. Joel just hands you one of his t-shirts and busies himself as you slip out of your clothes and get under the covers. It’s all rather innocent, Joel does more than rub your back even though you sometimes feel his morning wood through his sweatpants. If he wants you, he doesn’t let himself have you. And he could. 

It’s fine with you if cuddling is all this is. You don’t try to do anything more than that, unwilling to upset the unspoken agreement between you. You can be satisfied with a broad, firm chest to rest your back against. Sleep is better beside him, his heart beats guiding your own. The weight of his arm draped across you makes your body feel deliciously heavy.  

After a while, though, it happens. 

Joel’s having a nightmare. His murmurs and restless movements wake you. His mouth twitches and his brow is creased. You smooth circles into his shoulder until his eyes open. Even in the darkness you can see the despair in them. 

He blinks, coming back to reality, remembering he’s not wherever his dreams took him. You brush your fingers through his hair, gazing at one another as his breaths even out. Normally, his age is obvious– the lines in his forehead, the sun spots on his cheek– yet right now he looks young. Like a boy that needs to sleep with a night light. 

You’re not sure who initiates but you find each other in the dark. At first he’s not kissing you at all, his lips are just brushing your cheek or your nose. It’s sweet and gentle. You try to hold in a moan, worried that any noise might shatter this moment. 

The kisses are timid as if you’re both waiting for someone to stop this. Joel lets out a shuddering breath against you. This is a bad idea, you’re both thinking it. After you kissed him the last time, he held you at arms length. When this blows up, you’ll lose him entirely. But you need to be closer to him. 

You open your mouth to him, tangle your legs between his. His hand slides under your shirt, roaming your bare skin. You thought that snuggling under the blanket was enough but now you realize just how hungry you’ve been to be touched. Really touched. He needs it too. Joel leans into your hand on his jaw with a whimper. 

You don’t open your eyes. You might be the one dreaming and you don’t want to wake up. 

It’s quiet, just the sound of hot breaths and desperate kisses, the swish of the sheets as you shift your hips to meet his. You keep yourself from rocking against him, try to enjoy the feeling of him without crossing yet another line, but you’re aching. His shirt has ridden up so you feel the softness of his middle, the light hairs on his chest. Your fingers intertwine with his as his mouth trails down the column of your neck and. Joel buries his face there. 

“I’m sorry,” he breathes. 

You’re not sure what he’s apologizing for. This? Then? The years in between? None of it matters because you want to live in this moment forever. 

You shush him, pull him back to your mouth. You’re ready to lose yourself, to forget, to ignore the storm of thoughts constantly plaguing your mind. This is all you want. 

You peel off your clothing, helping him slide out of his sweatpants until there’s nothing between you. Joel’s skin is warm and soft against you and you realize you’ve never been this close to another soul. 

When Joel settles over you and you feel him throbbing between his legs, you shiver with nervous anticipation. You expect him to say something, to warn you that this is a bad idea, to promise this won’t change anything. But his brown eyes look as confused with need as you feel. There’s no room for thinking or it will crush this fragile moment like glass. 

You tilt your hips to allow him in, already slick from being so close to him. 

Slowly, he enters you, kissing you all the while. He makes a choked sound, wincing as his body stills. The noise makes you clench around him. 

Together you take a moment to get your bearings and you adjust to the fullness of him. Joel’s eyes are pressed shut, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. 

Before he begins to move, his thumb finds your clit, grazing it lightly. After years of solitude and now months being just out of reach of him, the sensation makes you gasp sharply. 

You’ve had sex a handful of times. They had been more about fulfilling a self destructive urge than a desire for pleasure. It’s never been like this. 

You start to lose sense of everything but the feelings of your body. Your core tenses and your breaths go short and you start to forget that it’s Joel whose hips are stuttering into you. It’s as if this euphoria can erase some of those awful memories. 

Soon you’re shattering beneath him, a crescendo that has you tugging on his hair and gasping for air. Joel grunts into your ear. He follows after you, hissing as he pulls out of you. He pulses into his hand, his release dripping from his fist onto your sweat damp skin. Then he collapses onto you. You run your fingers through his long curls and he kisses your forehead. There might be tears in your eyes– maybe his too. It’s too dark to be sure– but when his breath evens out, it still sounds ragged against you.

Eventually he gets out of bed and leaves the room and, in that moment, you can feel everything hanging over your head again– what you’ve just done, the horrors of the world. Perhaps even more intense than before. 

But Joel returns quickly. He flicks on the light on his bed side table and cleans you with a damp rag. His touch is gentle, reverent, and his dark eyes travel over your naked skin to yours. There’s a question in them, guilt, but you have no regrets. You smooth your hand out on the sheets beside you and he lays back on his pillow. He surrounds you with his massive arms and you fall asleep grateful that you don’t feel abandoned anymore.

You worry that it was just a one time thing, try to accept that it might never happen again. But the next time you share Joel’s bed, he’s pulling you into him, pressing kisses into your shoulder, nuzzling at the spot behind your ear. His hard length prods at the small of your back. 

It starts like that every time. Intimate, sensual, quiet. It’s never tearing his clothes off or pushing you up against a wall. You just stay close, breath each other in, trail fingertips across skin. Neither of you ever speak above a whisper.  

Joel barely talks at all except to ask, “That too much?” and “Feel good?” 

You live for the moments when his hand skates over your hip, his dark eyes soft. 

“Pretty,” he says almost to himself. 

He’s such a beautiful man. Your fingers trace the smooth plane of his chest, dusted lightly with hair and a few stray freckles. Age has only improved him. The greys in his stubble catch the glow from the lamp on the nightstand. You study him with the same attention to detail you used in your youth. The cleft in his bottom lip, the dimples on his lower back, the scar on his temple. You’ve memorized it all. 

Joel breaks open for you. He lets you see him vulnerable. He’ll fuck you with thrusts that shake loose deep emotions. Just as quickly, he’ll hold you together when it feels like you’re falling apart. 

You lay with him after, sticky with the shared heat of your bodies but reluctant to roll away and break the connection. 

Whatever this is, you don’t speak its name. There are too many questions and conflicts that it might not withstand. It exists only for you and him. A safe haven in the chaos, a bit of respite at the end of long years. 

In his arms, you’re not his dead daughter’s best friend. He’s not the man that left you when you needed him most. You’re just two people that need to not be alone. Each time, it’s the same. The overwhelming bliss of Joel making love to you is second only to the understanding that he’s finally come back for you. 

Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear from you. Comments and reblogs always appreciated.

[dollfaceksj]

i hope yoongi and oc share tents together <333 so that someone could not sleep that night +we’re not using yoongi for jungkook we made out fgs i hope you get me! jungkook should realize his mistakes and that he should treat oc AS A GODDESS 👏

sawry but you just gave me an idea and it isnt this one.

warnings: angst, this one is pretty long guys, reader gets bothered, TENSIONNNN

forgot to mention what jk looks like so he’s just wearing a sweatshirt n sweatpants, hair like wednesday!jk in seven mv🤪 link to taglist at the bottom of the post

taste of a poison paradise | jjk (m) #9

masterlist

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WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

ACCEPT his request of hearing him out 64,9%

DECLINE his request of hearing him out 35,1%

248 votes

you chose:

ACCEPT

↓

his big black eyes pleading with you as he awaits your response has your resolve crumbling by the second

*sigh*

let’s see what he has to say

you rub your forehead as you slowly turn back to the seating area and sit down in your previous seat

he takes a quick breath and sits down across from you, elbows on his thighs and he leans forwards

“i wanna start by saying i’m sorry,” he starts, his fingers anxiously fidgeting and picking at the loose flesh around his nails

you glance down at his hands before back up at him

it’s weird to see him being nervous

“i shouldn’t have said those things. i shouldn’t have ruined your night just because i wanted to tease you and joke around. i didn’t realize the impact of my words at the time.”

you squint your eyes at him, did you really give him a chance to speak and he’s saying the same thing he said when he came to apologize about saying he doesn’t like you?

“why did you say those things?” you ask, you need more of an explanation on how he can just say that to not only you but to his fucking senior

like where does he get the fucking nerve

he quietly sighs at your question and runs his hands through his wavy black locks, the palms of his hands rubbing into his eyes as he thinks about his answer

you lean back into the seat and throw your leg over the other, impatiently tapping your foot against the floor

“should i remind you of the time we don’t have?” you nod toward the train driver, reminding him of the fact you’re still on a train that will leave soon and you need to get off

like you know you said he thinks the world revolves around him but geez

“i don’t know, okay? i just,” he shakes his head and looks up at you. “i just really wa–”

“we ready?” you hear yoongi’s voice coming from your side. you turn to look at him and nod before rising to your feet

jungkook sighs, head still in his hands

probably should’ve picked a better time to talk it out, dumbass

you reach for your suitcase but both men suddenly lunge at you to help you

“oh,” you say surprised as they both stand facing each other, hands on the suitcase

“you’re good, i can take it from here,” yoongi politely says to jungkook as he starts tugging on your suitcase

“let me do it,” jungkook starts, “they’ll need you at the front to navigate because they’re not that good with direction.”

feeling like you’re in a kdrama rn

yoongi glances at you for a moment as if to ask for permission to go on ahead

???

he doesn’t need to ask you for permission when it comes to anything

there’s nothing serious going on between you and yoongi

you’re just saying that now because you’re still hoping for something to happen between you and jungkook and you’d feel guilty if yoongi took whatever you two have seriously

that is such BULLSHIT

jungkook is gross HES GROSS!!!

you don’t hope for anything!!!!

“he’s right, they’re really bad with direction,” you mumble. you watch as yoongi slowly drops his hand from your suitcase and nods before taking his own luggage

did jungkook think he could send yoongi off to have more time to speak to you?

you allowed him to and he gave the most basic bitch talk

you don’t even turn to jungkook when you file out of the train with yoongi, leaving jungkook behind with your luggage because he said he could handle it, did he not?

you gather with everyone in a circle, everyone’s checking if everyone’s here, checking luggage and everything

you don’t even look at jungkook as he drags both his luggage and yours to the circle

enjoy!

it’s a short walk to the actual camping area and when you’ve finally made it, you breathe out in relief

“let’s start with their tents,” seokjin tugs on joon’s arm, leading him to hyunjoo & isabella to help them out with their tent

it seems like hobi and yoongi are sharing a tent

seokjin and namjoon are sharing a tent

jimin and tae are sharing a tent

you luckily brought your own tent<333

you just love privacy.. but who doesn’t

and apparently so did he who shall not be named

but it doesn’t matter

everyone is busy with their own tents

you nudge yoongi’s hip with yours

“i got my own tent, you know.” your flirtatious words make him chuckle

“are you implying what i think you’re implying?” he responds before squatting and fixing up some loose ends on his tent

you huff. “and what do you think i’m implying?”

he chuckles under his breath and shakes his head at you. “your minx antics are distracting me.”

you laugh and hit his shoulder before deciding to go fix your own tent

get away from him you’re on DEMON time

you didn’t think about how sharing a tent with someone means they’d help you set it up

cause you’re alone

and now you’re

:)

a dumbass

trying to fix your tent

hm. it says if you turn this rod this way..

..and you take that bit and put it there…

…and if you do this then the zipper should be on that side..

for fucks sake.

it’s been 5 minutes.

you sigh as you drop it, rising to your feet and staring at the pathetic attempt of putting together a tent in front of you with your hands on your hips like a soccer dad

ugh

everyone is seemingly still busy but they look successful

and you look a fool

“you gonna let me help you?”

you turn your head to the side, eyes meeting with big black tapioca pearls accompanied by pretty lashes and thick brows

why

why

why

can he just!!!!

leave you alone

you stare at him for a moment. “shouldn’t you be fixing your own tent?”

he nods behind you and you turn to look in that direction, noticing how his tent is ready

the hell

everyone else is still fixing their tents and they’re duos

he did that

this quickly

on his own???

you’re pretty sure he never leaves the house

let alone gone camping before

so how????

“so?” he closes the distance a bit more, looking down at you from his height

you click your tongue and shrug your shoulders. “i wouldn’t want to appear as attention-seeking.”

he sighs at your pettiness, bringing his hand up to rub his eyes

“yeah well, you weren’t exactly the nicest to me up till that point, were you?”

huh

what

“what?”

“did you mean everything you said to me? about me? like how i’m not good for anything and that i’m nothing but a fuckboy?”

you blink at him

you did say those things in the heat of the moment

if he had said those words to you you would have gone batshit fucking crazy

not to mention how you were acting toward him even before the night at the club

well.. no, you didn’t mean those things

is this his way of implying he also didn’t mean the things he said to you?

he sighs at your lack of response and scratches the back of his head. “forget it, y/n. i just want to put up your tent. will you let me?”

he does look sincere

hmm

well

whatever

might as well make him work for it

you nod toward your tent and take a step back

he wastes no time and gets to work on your tent

this is gonna be a loooong night😕

it’s 20 minutes later and everyone is now around your tent, trying to fix it

it seems like something is wrong with your tent

great :)

just what you needed

“yeah, the tent is fucked. how much did you pay for this joke?” seokjin asks as he rises from his squat position

you think about it. “like… 80 bucks.”

he shakes his head. “you should go ask for your money back cause they ripped you off.”

of course it’s YOUR tent that’s messed up

you sigh and place one hand on your hip, the other scratching the back of your head

“well, what now?” jimin asks as he’s still trying to fix your tent, not wanting to give up

“you’re gonna have to join someone’s tent.” yoongi says to you as he walks around the flat tent toward you

taehyung beams, “oh, in ours!”

“i’d love for y/n to join us but the two of us barely fit in it.” jimin is the voice of reason and they all sigh

hoseok says, “but you’re alone in your tent, aren’t you?”

there’s

no fucking way

is he implying..

for FUCKS sake

you try to fight it but you can’t, your eyes automatically snap towards jungkook

but he’s already staring straight at you

“yeah, i do. she’s welcome, of course.” there’s that arrogance that you know and love–

know and hate.

you hate it!

you glance at tae and joon and as you suspected, they’re glancing at each other

are they really planning on protesting that?

you don’t like how they act like you can’t make your own decisions

you step forwards. “alright, then.”

your eyes shift to jungkook and he’s staring at you, his eyes narrow at you for a split second and his lips slightly twitch

you can’t tell what tf he’s thinking

but it doesn’t matter

it’s just to SLEEP. nothing else

seokjin pulls everyone out of the awkward silence that has settled around you. “great! now shall we get started on dinner? i’m starving.”

yoongi and seokjin are in charge of dinner right now

hyunjoo and isabella are helping them out

hoseok and namjoon are working on the campfire

jimin and tae are organizing the tents and arranging a seating area around the campfire

leaving you and jungkook to just.. stand around

you’re just standing by the people cooking and jungkook is testing out a seat made by jimin

“oh, y/n!” seokjin calls out to you

oh fun

“hm?” you spin on your heels to face him

“can you and jungkook go to the closest store and pick up a few bottles of water?” he asks as he stirs whatever he’s stirring. “take my car.”

he kind of asked it but it feels more like he’s telling you to do it

and what are you going to say to your senior? no?

you can’t even drive but you know jungkook can

fuck

“okay.”

seokjin hands you his car keys and you gather all your courage to walk up to jungkook right now

he looks up from his phone as you toss the carkeys in his lap

“let’s go, gamerboy. we’ve got duties.”

you don’t even pause as you walk straight past him, heading toward the car

ooof

the look on his face is one you won’t forget

he looked happy you were acknowledging him but quickly stopped smiling when he realized it was only because you were given a task

it doesn’t take long for jungkook to join you, unlocking the car and getting inside

you get into the passenger seat and look up the closest grocery store

which is

a 35 minute drive.

if only the car blew up rn…

you set your phone into the cupholder next to the gearshift so he can see the navigation on your phone

he buckles his seatbelt and so do you, and he slowly reverses out of the spot and starts driving

the car drive

is so

tense

and

quiet

you’re just staring out the window

the silence disappears when his fingers dance across the car radio and turn it on

he skips a few channels before realizing all of them are shitty and just settles on one

you continue to glare out the window

this silence is TOUGHHH

“do you need something from the store?” he asks quietly, right hand managing the gear shift and the other is turning the steering wheel

and he looks so fucking good

“no.”

he sighs at your short answer and turns the music a bit louder, maybe an attempt at drowning out his own thoughts

the roads are pretty empty so you’d gotten there in about 20 minutes

jungkook was definitely going way over the speedlimit but if he gets a fine, seokjin will definitely tape it against jungkook’s door

you unbuckle your seatbelt and get out, making jungkook copy you

he follows close behind you as you enter the store

once you’re inside, he skims past you and disappears into the store as he goes to look for water

hmm

you on the other hand let your eyes roam the snack section

ooo kinder

doritos

CHEETOS

you’re scanning the bags of chips and bars of candy until there’s a presence next to you

thinking it’s jungkook, you look up at him

but

it’s not jungkook

and for the first time, you really wish it was jungkook

you frown as there’s a guy, probably in his mid thirties

standing

next to you?

“aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” he says, eyes drinking you up

gross.

you squint at him as you put the bar of kinder back in it’s rightful place. “thank you.”

“you here alone?”

you keep browsing. he isn’t being overly creepy and isn’t invading your personal space so you don’t really feel threatened. just grossed out. “no.”

“what kind of crazy person would leave such a beautiful woman unattended?”

you internally roll your eyes at his cheesy line but mumble, “an actual crazy person.”

he takes the kinder bar you just put back and waves it at the cashier, who then nods at him

okay, maybe he’s a regular?

he then hands you the bar

you frown at it but take it nonetheless, free food is free food

“you wanna go ditch your responsibilities and join me for a night?”

just as you turn to look at the man, another presence is pressed up flat against your back

“how about you fuck off?” jungkook’s chest rumbles as he speaks, sending vibrations down your entire back

the man glances at jungkook and takes a step back

“hey man, shouldn’t leave a pretty girl by herself. i didn’t know she was your girl.”

bruh you literally… told him….. you weren’t alone?

well. ur not jungkook’s girl.

UR NOT.

jungkook continues, “well, now you do. get the fuck on, man.”

wha

did he just

okay

😂😂😂😂😂

he actually

does look intimidating rn

he’s towering over this other man, staring him down and clearly asserting his dominance

the guy glances at you before shaking his head and leaving the store

you slowly turn to him, his black eyes staring you down and a slight pinch in his brows

he looks really fucking annoyed

“thanks,” you mumble, referring to getting the guy off your back

he didn’t have to imply you two were in a relationship though but whatever

you watch as his eyes drop to the kinder bar in your hand

he doesn’t reply but instead takes the kinder bar out of your hand and tosses it aside before grabbing another kinder bar and a handful of other bars, chips and candy before heading to the counter

he pays for the sweets and the water

ouuuuu

you watch as he picks up two packs of 6 water bottles on his own, plus the bagged candy between his fingers

he’s

uhhh

kind of hot rn 😭😭😭

“let me help you–” you reach out but he just turns his body sideways so you can’t reach the water

“just open the door.”

you blink at him a few times before holding the door open and walking out with him

there’s a group of men just sitting by the side that weren’t there before

you open the trunk to help him load it in but he shakes his head, he just hands you the bag of sweets and says, “get in the car.”

he’s so

different?

you kinda

you kinda l*ke it

BE QUIET!!!!

you stare at him dumbfounded before actually complying and getting into the car

the ride back is even quieter than the ride there

but whatever right

it’s not like you want to talk to him

so you just

enjoy

the silence

upon your arrival, it’s already gotten rather dark out. you move to unbuckle your seatbelt but a hand on your bicep stops you

ahhh shit. here we go again

you glance at him over your shoulder and jungkook is staring straight ahead, out the windshield, hand on your arm like he doesn’t realize he stopped you

“sorry.” he takes his hand back. “listen.”

you fight the urge to roll your eyes. “why should i?”

“because you were right.”

hm?

everyone loves being told they were right

so

let’s actually hear him out

you settle back into your seat

he finally glances at you and you cross your arms as you wait for him to speak

“you’re right. i am childish.” he stares straight at you as he’s speaking and it’s SO intense

“so i’m coming to you as a man now and i’ll own up to everything.”

you tilt your head to the side in intrigue, a slight pinch in your brows which makes your pretty lashes kiss your brow bone

his eyes quickly scan your entire face before he continues, “the reason why i was pressing you and taunting you was because i wanted you to give in.”

his words from when he came to pick up his sneakers pop into your mind

‘i just wanna see how long you can go before eventually wrapping around my finger.’

you respond with, “yeah, you already made that clear.”

“no, listen to me,” he says as he places his hand on the compartment between the driver’s seat and the passenger’s seat, next to the cupholders

the intensity radiating off of him makes you want to listen

“i’m saying that my pride was too tough to swallow.”

uh

what???

why would he have to swallow his pride?

you frown. “i don’t get it.”

he sighs in frustration and closes his eyes for a moment. “i wanted you to give in, not to prove a point but because..” he pauses, “because i want you. i just didn’t want to admit it, not even to myself. because i never had to before.”

oh

oh

oh okay

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

wow

😀😀😀😀😀

how

do you even react

to that

he’s not done, though. “but you kept holding onto it like a dog with a bone and my patience was running out. i was not used to the feeling and i didn’t understand it at all. i lost my temper and said some shit i shouldn’t have, like a little kid. i’m sorry.”

now THATS how you apologize, ladies and gents!

he apologized like a normal person now

you blink at him a few times

he’s being sincere

you know he is

you want to accept his apology. you really do

but you’ve gotta get your lick back somehow

you quietly sigh. “come here.”

??

he frowns. “what?”

“come closer,” you chuckle, curling your index finger right next to your face so he knows where you’re requesting his presence

he wastes no time leaning into you but you stop him by his chin with your index finger right before his lips touch yours

you gently press your finger into his chin to push his face back from yours a few millimeters

you say, “apology accepted.”

he glances down at your lips before back at your eyes, his breath tickling the skin of your lips

damn

he is so damn close

“but that’s only because i love it when men–” you pause for a second.

“i love it when boys look and sound absolutely fucking pathetic.”

oh goodness

HELLO????

you see his adam’s apple bouncing up and down in your peripherals

you pucker up your lips just enough to graze his lips, basically pressing a soft peck to his lips

that peck only lasted half a second but….. his lips are … so soft

“that’s a thank you for this,” you say as you pull away and hold the bag of sweets up

you swing the door open without a second thought and get out, swinging the bag of snacks back and forth and leaving jungkook to deal with the reality of what just happened and the packs of water

jungkook: 2

you: 2

to be continued

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[surshica]

Stay Home !

synopsis : yn was caught in the meteor incident instead of chishiya taking her to the boderlands when he was at work — a surpise visit.

genre : angst — fluff

A/N : my first one shot HAHA; this was kinda shit but yeah…ANWYAYS i trued i saw fruit basket tiktok and thought let’s make a one shot, and it’s kinda shit and rushed but 🧍‍♀️

— CHISHIYA x FEM!READER

inspo

‘and in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer watching over me.’

you could never sleep properly, there was an urge to leave this hell of a whole called the borderland. the mere thought of you on the verge of death didn’t startle you; the thought of chishiya leaving alone did. you made friends at the beach and very much foes. you enjoyed the company you had from kuina arisu and usagi. you were alone now. maybe it wasn’t a good idea to separate from the group.

running from the king of spade was though, you weren’t sure if you truly did want to risk your life to get into some car. you were more headstrong and empathetic yet stern at the beach. that made you let out a small chuckle. after playing many diamonds and heart games the itching burn made you want to leave more.

the black jacket you found comfort in had gotten dirty so you tossed it getting a new one, the skirt had been flowing in the winds slight breeze, your hair had been the least of your worries to keep maintained, messy yet you still felt beautiful. you were kicking the pebbles on the ground, a frown formed on your lips. chishiya was the only person you could think about there was nobody else, you knew your family were fine since they were out of japan but chishiya. every night you wished for you to get out of this place faster.

the sun beaming down made you hiss slightly, a sting coming from your swollen slept deprived eyes. covering the sun with your arm. you squinted your eyes to see arisu and what looked like niragi. a frown formed on your lips quickly yet quietly walking your way to arisu. “what’s happening?!” you yelled at arisu, he simply pointed to the gun next to you. nodding you grabbed it waiting for the right time to shoot niragi.

the burning hatred you had for this man was unreal. all the things he did to women was disgusting, he was the biggest reason you want to kill someone. niragi’s laugh boomed loudly in the area, a scowl escaped arisu’s mouth as you just inhaled sharply being aware of your surroundings.

you tried shooting when he was laughing but you were a tad bit too far to the right, your face twitched in annoyance. “seriously?! is that the best you can do? that’s so disappointing and..” “sad.” the pause in the sentence gave you time to calm yourself. “come on!” “shoot me!” “or are you too much is pussys to do that?” niragi licked the metal part of his gun like it’s his. arisu was very much shaking, you shot arisu a look that told him to calm down or we can die here.

“arisu im going to need you to pull yourself together or this can be the end of us!” you whispered yelled, arisu looked at you his uneasy breath was obvious; he was redeeming himself though. the air was filled became thicker and musty, niragi’s laugh was very much vibrating the air as he carelessly shot the cars. you rolled your eyes, he was seriously getting on your nerves and you just wanted to kill him.

the sound of feet walking alerted you, losing up the gun you put your hand on the trigger, pointing to the direction. you were about to shoot until you noticed the short brown hair, “usagi?” your question sounded more like a statement. arisu turned his head to happy to see usagi.

he wanted to drop everything to go to her but he knew he couldn’t, “what’s going on here?” usagi questioned looking at you arisu and niragi with guns point at eachother. “well isnt this interesting” niragi let out a wicked smile shooting two bullets towards usagi.

“USAGI WATCH OUT” arisu screamed towards her, the girl couldn’t move fast enough; her leg was injured. a gulp was viable and the sign of anguish watched over her. “fuck it.” you snarled under your breath running over to usagi stepping in front if her. a bullet above your chest and the other one in your stomach, arisu took the chance to shoot niragi in the stomach before running over to you.

the fall to the ground was rough but you couldn’t subside it from the pain of being shot. usagi’s face grew worry on it as she held your head in her hands. tears brimmed her face, “why would you do that..” hee eyes examined your body, you had a fox like grin on your face. “something told me i should” your breathing stopped slightly before you exhaled deeply, “plus i wouldn’t want the lovers to be separated~” you couldn’t help but crack a joke at the moment.

usagi slapped you lightly on the shoulder, you looked over to arisu, “i don’t know how critical these are..” you paused giving him a smile, “but please different the queen of hearts for me.” arisu nodded before resting your head on a jacket he found in the ground; grabbing usagi as they headed to different the queen.

you can feel more and more blood come out, some worry washed over you letting out a small laugh, the laugh turned into small crys. tears formed your eyes as the pain worsened, hands were shaken but you couldn’t help but laugh. as night approached your eyes grew slightly heavy. you didn’t know if it was because you were tired or because you were losing too much blood.

your bangs stuck onto your forehead as the sweat mixed with the cold air, breeze washed over. you looked up to the sky to see fireworks. a smile washed over your face, you can finally go home, you can see your chishiya. tears fell down your cheek; you did it. “niragi if you are sadly still alive,” yn grew a grin as tears rolled down her cheeks, “i hope you go to hell.” she closed her eyes as the darkness consumed her.

ılıl﹔ ◌ 𓂂 ˳⁺ 🦢 ꯭ ⊹ ⋆ ࣪

chishiya had clocked in for work grabbing himself a coffee, a black coffee. he didn’t mind it but it was definitely not his favorite. he only drank it to keep himself awake, the bitterness washed over his tongue making his face scrunch in disgust.

finishing the small cup he tossed it out heading over to his next patient, he had plans with you today, they were going to go on a picnic together but chishiya got busy per usual resulting in you just going to the cafe.

chishiya sped through patients hoping it could make time go faster but it just didn’t. he headed back to the hospitals cafe to get another coffee, he felt tired. as he grabbed his new cup of coffee he looked towards the now loud commotion  building; walking over to one of the nurses who had been watching in distress. “what happened?” his rasp liked voice had made the nurse jump in surpise before looking back at him.

“oh they’re the poor unlucky souls that got hit with the meteor.” her frown was evident, sadness in her eyes. “when was this?” his eyebrows furrowed as he scratched his head, “it happened around 5 minutes ago..” her lips agaped before closing it and shaking her head looking down at her phone.

he took his phone out his pocket to see if you had texted him back but you never did, a displeased look washed over him. you were never one to leave him on delivered for more than five minutes heck even ten, but almost twenty? he figured something was up. as he looked up he noticed a figure that looked oddly fimilar to him, as he looked closely the person had the same matching necklace as chishiya.

his breathing bitches, the lifeless body laying on the stretcher. the medics hurrying the bloody bruised girl to a room to hook her up. chishiya felt his feet start walking towards the girl. the walking went to a sprint, the sprint went to a full on jog. his hands weren’t even in his pocket. his phone was clutched in his hand with a picture of both of them on his lockscreen.

looking from the outside chishiya could see a boy’s lifeless body and yours. his eyes rested on the heart monitor that stopped beeping and went cold for a minute; his eyes winded slightly. breathed hitched. his lips turned into a downward frown. he didn’t want to believe what he saw, he wanted to think it was fake. he didn’t want to believe you were gone from him.

he was intently watching from the windows, he ignored even the slightest hi’s and hellos, his eyes were fixated on you. after countless defibrillator attempts they were finally able to get your heart back on track. they hooked you up quickly before exiting to other patients rooms. as the doctors and nurses left he slipped his way into the room closing it on his way in.

the curtain for the other patient was closed so it didn’t matter to him, he didn’t care for them he cared for you. he looked at the monitor before looking back at you. his hand brushed the messy strands off your face, his hand intertwined with yours. he placed small kisses all over it.

he was mumbling sweet nothings to your sleep body, this was way of hoping you would wake up soon. he had closed his eyes calming himself. he didn’t like stress, he felt your hand slightly twitch making his eyes flare right open.

ılıl﹔ ◌ 𓂂 ˳⁺ 🦢 ꯭ ⊹ ⋆ ࣪

your eyes opened slowly as a bright light beamed through the windows and the ceiling, hissing at it you quickly close your eyes. opening them back slowly you felt someone’s hand holding onto your, looking to the right you can see him and in his glory.

a small smile formed on your face as you put your other hand on his cheek, “chishiya..” a roughed voice escaped your lips, you didn’t know if this was real or if this was still the borderlands. you quickly look down to see your bandaged wounds; your head slowly looked back up at the happy chishiya.

“i was wondering why you didn’t text me back” he smiled moving your palm to his lips placing a soft kiss. “well i didn’t expect me to die yet” you countered back. chishiya let out a soft short laugh. you were still debating if this was truly real or just a dream. a single tear rolled down your cheek as you felt chishiya’s loving kisses warm your hand.

“how long was i out?” you questioned, you spent basically 4 months in the boderlands so she’d like the time here as well. “your heart stopped for a minute..” your eyes has widened slightly as the words, lips agaped. closing your eyes you let in another small breathe before looking at chishiya.

“i have so much to tell you chishi..” you moved your hand around his neck pulling him closer, nose touching eachother, your smile was brighter than he could ever remember.

“i’m sure you do..” his cat like grin formed onto his face—leaning closer he kissed you ever so slowly. a gentle slow kiss that had so much passion in it. you smiled into the kiss, oh how much you missed his touch. you pulled him closer to you lightly to deepen the kiss.

the kiss was short yet sweet, his hand still connected to yours. he licked his lips as his eyes stared into your tired ones, “next time stay home” a small like smile formed on his lips. “alright doctor~”

tags !!

@nanamora @saiewithakatana @chiishiiya @bowscale @theinfaethablefig @luv4kuina @eissaaaa @fiona782 @eshtravagent

[sanjisblackasswife]

hiii! I saw that you already did dad headcanons, but I was wondering how you think those same boys would react to hearing the news about their s/o being pregnant. And how would they break it to the crew?

A/N: OP Boys As Daddies Here! Enjoy!

Next part will have Cora and Law <3

Monster Trio React to Their S/O Being Pregnant (SFW)

Cw: VERY SLIGHT mentions of abortion

Black Fem Reader in Mind

Ft., Luffy, Zoro, Sanji

Sanji

I mean it was bound to happen.

Not saying Sanji has a breeding kink, but he has a breeding kink. He got with you and just didn’t know wtf pull out meant.

Plus he does not believe in condoms.

But none the less Sanji would be a treat to tell

It was after dinner and you and Sanji were talking as he cleaned and you wanted to let him know gently because he was a very dramatic man.

“Ji… how do you feel about kids?”

He answers you with glee, he loves kids, he always wanted to have a little family of his own with you once you all achieve your goals. It actually ends up calming the nerves you began to have.

You kept asking baby questions and eventually he turned around and caught on.

“Y/N…”

“Hm?”

“Y/n….what are you trynna tell me…”

“….”

“…”

“I am pr—-“

The words didn’t even come out of your mouth yet his eyes lit up like a light and he grabbed you tightly crying on your shoulder not even believing you at first until you brought him the pregnancy test.

He still has it btw.

Sanji somehow had a suspicion you were pregnant. He knows your body better than yourself, so even though he cried a little he was happy that his assumptions were correct.

You both didn’t even sleep that night, you just kept talking about your future. You had to hold him to keep him still he just couldnt stop jumping around

As for how you both announced the pregnancy he wanted to tell everybody at breakfast so he made a feast. When Robin asked what the occasion was he grabbed you by the hand and told everyone.

“Y/N and I….are pregnant.” :)

Luffy: Men can’t get pregnant…

“LUFFY!”

None the less it was super sweet and honestly you becoming pregnant changed him in a pleather of ways.

He became more mature, protective, vigilant, calm, and even slowed down on his simping for other women. Because now that you have his baby inside you

You both are his only focus now.

Zoro

He didn’t believe you but Chopper was the one to tell you both actually which was really cute because they both nearly fainted.

Also He actually doesn’t understand how you could have gotten pregnant

“UM???? YOU CUM IN ME EACH TIME?!”

“Yeah, but i thought after you take a shower it all comes out.”

Bless him

Though his reaction is a bit …delayed best believe he does become happy.

Shocked, but happy.

He will respect your decision whether you want to keep the baby or not but deep inside he hopes you keep it

But thank God you do!

You actually caught him doing that and teased him all day.

He becomes a damn menace though.

He steals parenting books from the library and reads them after training. Even though he acts like having a baby isnt a big deal he is internally panicking.

He wants the best for both you and the baby and it shows in the most annoying way though.

He doesnt even tell the crew yet because he believes them knowing would stress you out

However Zoro is doing that all alone himself

“What are you doing?”

“I cant get up?”

“Its not good for the baby!”

“….i have to pee….AND IM LIKE 2 WEEKS PREGNANT AND IT IS???”

The crew found out because Zoro was upset

You and Zo are known for drinking together alot but of course you stopped and plenty of people began to notice everytime you turned down a drink.

You were sitting on Zo’s lap by the fire with everyone and even Luffy was drinking except you.

“Y/N are you sick? Why arent you drinking?”

“She cant.”

“Why?”

“Because i said so, Luffy.”

“Youre not the boss of Y/N she can drink if she wanna—“

“SHE CAN’T IT’S NOT GOOD FOR THE BABY!”

Cue in the dramatics.

Zoro to this day slaps his head thinking about how harshly he made sure YOU and Chopper won’t spill but he ended up doing it himself.

But his worries were diminished realizing the amount of well support you both got from the crew since then.

Zoro puts your safety above his every single time and actually gets mad when you don’t listen.

He takes more care of hisself and he isn’t too reckless when he is fighting. For the first time in his life he knew his life was worth taking care of for his future family.

Luffy

Doesn’t get it, but he is a good sport

When you and Chopper tell him he just can’t understand???

“Who’s baby is it?”

“YOURS OBVIOUSLY!?”

“I thought you said if i pull out you wouldn’t get—“

“PULLING OUT BEFORE You ejaculate not AFTER—“

Not until you’re about 2 maybe 3 months and showing is when he finally registers he is going to be a dad.

Every month up until then he looks at you and wonders why you don’t drink, fight, or any thing that you usually do until FINALLY Law explains it to him like he’s 5.

Now that he is up to speed about you being pregnant he suddenly becomes pregnant?

You got cravings? So do Luffy.

You want cake and tacos at 2am

Bless Sanji heart because Luffy do too

He actually ends up gaining a little bit of weight but it wasn’t even noticeable really, he trains too the rubber man really just bulked up

Luffy was showing his concern of being a father to Robin alot. He didn’t want to worry you in thinking he didn’t want the kid especially if you were willing to rid of the baby if he suggested.

Overrall during pregnancy he intrust the crew to watch over you when he leaves. He has complete trust to make sure you are okay and well and healthy.

A few cute things is he will have some moments where he stretches out his belly to bump yours, talk to the baby, sing to it, and even place his hat on your tummy always reminding him or her that their daddy will be the king of the pirates.

You honestly believe you having this baby has matured him in ways you didn’t think was possible.

[wttt-dirus-work]

So, i saw a post with NY headcanons and it reminded me that while i included my own disabled headcanons in my fics, i forgot to make my own headcanons post (?) and i've got more than i though lol

So here we go!

NY: Dude got a bad eye, someday it's normal, other days it get blurred. He also has a scar over it, and his shoulders can get funky when its humid outside.

NJ: some of y'all already knows it, but Jersey got Tourette's. Mostly shoulder jerking, neck twitching, blinking hard and grimacing. When it gets bad his back jerks, and his vocals tics get worse (mostly whistles and pop, tho if hes anxious/stressed he does repeat some words)

Delaware: he got arthritis in his hands, and can hardly move them.

Mass: He was injured during the revolution, and walking became harder for him (limping and his legs became stiffer), then another injury during the civil war made him unable to walk for some days, therefore he use a wheelchair most of the time. He is still able to walk, but it is either too painful, or he doesn't have the energy needed to be able to stand all day.

Connie: he got shaky hands, when he's tired, nervous or angry, he cant hold anything with those. Its his nerves, and it doesnt hurt but its annoying.

Vermont: he got diabetes! Type 1; and it's so fucking expensive that it's Québec his "dealer" (it cost around 98$US when here its around 12$CAN sooo). He also got a sweet tooth, and forget to watch his sugar level (Hampshire there's for it; buddy's wayy to protective to let anything happen to Vermont)

PA: he's dyslexic, and it's mostly Mass who helps him with paperwork when he's not badgering Connie.

Florida: That gremling got Adhd, big dyslexia and his first language is spanish (which doesnt help with the reading). He also got so many scars from disturbing wildlife (anyone has seen that "yoink" dude in the everglades? Yeah thats flo). He got chronic pain in his left knee, and his right wrist always cracks when he moves it.

Louie: french lover is a people pleaser, but the chillest person you'll ever meet. He never panics, and is sometime too calm; but hurt any of the southern state (or Cal) and you're done. He's the voodoo capital, so dont mess with him

Georgia: hes an insomniac, but is fucking sleepy during the day (the math aint mathing ya know). He can sleep anywhere except during the night. He's bud with york and nevada, you can find those three driking in silence during a poker game.

Virginia: (uses they/them) they have a limp on the left leg, who always in pain (low but chronic with some real bad days). They're also a sleepwalker (think Celinaspookyboo style) and Georgia (or one of the insomniac state) each switch to watch them at night.

Montana: deer in headlights when spoken to. Will not talk to anyone when he doesnt have something to say or isnt upset (that sketch with the clown thing? Yeah he talked to them cause he was angry). Dont talk to him, dont even aknowledge him and he'll be more than happy to not exist in your mind. (Hes jealous of alaskas ability to not being seen)

Cal: dudes his always in pain. The fire, the drought, to goldrushes, hes always hurting. He got big scars from the fires, and his skin is the dryest thing ever despite all the moisturizer he uses. When he's burning up his eyes gets cloudy grey; they itch and cry all the time, and he cant see shit. He also need an oxygen mask when its too bad, and his eyes are naturaly gold.

Washington: hes a bitch. Dude got poor circulation too, so his hands and feet are always cold. When it's raining for too long his hair is oily, and when it's a drought it's the driest (he uses dryshampoo and got a routine to fight it).

Oregon : hes gay. Thats a known thing, and he's the bridge between Cal and Wash. Hes nicer to cal than wash, but he's not kind. The west coast are nice in interraction, but they ain't your friends.

Nevada: ah, vada. He got scaring from the nuclear testing, can see in the dark like nobody, and is the only state who can chose to change their physical appearance. Has coloured hair (pink or purple mostly) and the greenest eyes you'll ever see (or purple, didnt made my mind yet). Hes careful with his diet and always exercice despite the painful joins.

Texas: that idiot got sleep apnea but refuses to get checked out for it (and get a CPAP). He also has asthma (geez that word is hard to write) and colorblindness (can't see red). He only wears his shirt cause he knows what the colours are and refused to be pranked about that.

If you wanna adds your own, your welcome to do so! ^^

[live-from-flaturn]

From that prompt list: #41. But can I add to it? Not just overhearing the other person talk about their feelings, but these people know they like each other already (possibly already dating). But the one doesn't usually communicate those types of feelings to the other (not their love language) and the other overhears and is just rush of butterflies, glowing skin, heart flips and isnt mad because the one shows their affection in other ways. I hope this makes sense.

Oooooh this was a really fun idea to play with. I hope you enjoy this sappy character study that might be partially based on a true story about my stepmom asking my dad (her husband) where her husband had gone after surgery.

tw: medical environment, side effects of anesthesia

wordcount: approx. 750

Title: "Goodnight Kiss"

Chay’s leg won’t quit bouncing no matter how hard he tries, but he can’t help himself.

The sight of Kim in a hospital bed never fails to make his heart race. Even if the operation was successful and his boyfriend’s burst appendix has been entirely removed, Chay can’t seem to calm down. He knows that Kim is safe. He understands perfectly well that Kim is alive and breathing. His heartbeat forms a steady beep beep beep through the machine that almost soothes Chay’s frazzled nerves. Almost.

He won’t be truly calm until–

“Hnnn.”

Chay’s full attention snaps to Kim’s face. His perfectly manicured eyebrows have scrunched together at the center of his forehead and his mouth is pulled into a pale, thin line. The pattern of beeps coming from his heart-rate monitor speeds up by an increment only noticeable to Chay’s finely tuned ears. 

“Kim?” Chay barely holds back a grin as he leans closer. “Are you awake?”

Kim grumbles something unintelligible and his frown grows thunderous. Worry dives headfirst into the rushing current of Chay’s thoughts. 

“Are you alright, P’Kim?”

“Didn’t you hear me?” he slurs. Still half-asleep and doped on painkillers, Kim’s tongue struggles to form each angry syllable. “Go away. I want my boyfriend.”

Chay bites the inside of his cheek and takes a moment to ponder whether he should call Tankhun for moral support. Drugged Kim is already a handful (Chay still giggles fondly at his memories of The Great Halloween Tranq Dart Incident), but he also can’t be sure if Kim is asking for him or someone from before. 

Before that fateful open house. Before their guitar lessons. Before they’d started dating. Before–

“Ugh, where the hell is Chay?!” 

“Oh, uh. Babe, I’m right here.”

Kim either doesn’t understand or doesn’t hear him. The morphine has his boyfriend in its clutches and is not letting go.

“How does he expect me to feel better when I can’t see his beautiful smile, huh?” Kim is immediately belligerent. “How am I supposed to heal without Chay singing me to sleep and playing with my hair? He’s so good at it, too. Hey, do you like head scratches?”

 Chay startles at the accusing finger pointed toward his chest. He nods hesitantly, “Yeah…”

“Then you should meet my boyfriend ‘cause he’s awesome at them.” Kim smirks triumphantly and then jerks as if he’s been electrocuted. His glazed eyes narrow into threatening slits, “Actually, forget I said that. I’m taking back my offer and shredding it for good measure. You should stay far away from my sweet, vicious angel. He’s mine and nobody else can ever have him or I’ll…” 

Kim tears up so fast he’s barely able to rasp out the final part of his statement: 

“I’ll make sure they never find the bodies.”

Well that’s… nice?

“You’re very sweet, P’Kim.” Chay stands and pushes his patient’s shoulders back against the bed. “But I think you need a bit more rest before you wake up properly.”

“I can’t sleep without a goodnight kiss,” Kim pouts. “And I only accept goodnight kisses from my boyfriend, so don’t even try.”

Chay thinks back on all the times he’s taken care of Porsche after anesthesia and puts on his most serious Medical Professional Face. “One moment, Khun Kim. I’ll go and fetch Khun Chay for you.”

“Hmph. Thank you.”

Chay walks to the door, slips outside, spins around for the hell of it (and to amuse the single evening nurse behind her station) and walks back inside. “P’Kim, the nurse told me you woke up?”

“There you are! Where have you been?!”

“I needed to use the restroom.”

“Oh…” Kim’s confusion is adorable. Especially when his bottom lip sticks out like it is. “I guess that’s okay, then.”

“Thank you. What can I do to make you more comfortable?”

“Give me a goodnight kiss,” Kim demands, ever the little prince. “And… And play with my hair so I can sleep?”

“Alright, P’Kim,” Chay smiles warmly. His heart damn near explodes at the unrestrained grin Kim sends back, too loopy to hide a single drop of his obvious joy. “I’m happy to do that. Would you like a sip of water first?”

“Yeah, my mouth is gross.”

“I bet.”

Chay gently presses his lips against Kim’s warm forehead and thanks every star in the universe for second chances. 

[actualbird]

quick question: who is the big spoon in the marius luke relationship? 👀 (also just want to say it’s such a huge joy to see new posts from you I really LOVE what you have to say about tot especially mariluke and peanut!!)

waahh, im super glad u enjoy my tot stuff! im happy to be posting new things again too ;w; life is quite busy and a Lot lately but talking about these characters helps brighten my day <3

anyhoo, onto ur question!

i think marius is big spoon 70% of the time

marius strikes me as a very clingy sleeper, once hes comfortable with whoever hes sleeping with. and once luke is esconced in his embrace, there is No Escaping. marius is tall, so his limbs are Long. he will lovingly ensnare luke most of the time theyre sleeping in the same bed together

this kinda tendency for marius is a callback to how, under all the professionalism and/or the playful snark, deep down theres just this immense want for genuine affection that wants to break through.

marius' clinginess in his sleep strikes luke as a tad childish, but not in an insulting way. like....when luke wakes up and marius is hugging him so close, luke looks at him and sees marius' youth shine through in the earnestness. and having the oppurtunity and privilege to see marius like this makes luke feel honored, because it's marius letting him see a part of him that nobody else gets to see

luke usually wakes up a good half hour earlier than marius on a usual day, but when theyre sleeping in the same bed together, luke isnt in a rush to get up at all. because even if he did, the moment luke would try to pull away, marius would make a soft sleepy noise of disapproval. luke can read between the lines. dont go, marius is saying, however intentional or not.

so luke doesnt go. he stays and enjoys the warmth of marius' spooning, and also takes pleasure in feeling immensely cherished because

marius is has a lot of power a lot of money a lot of influence etc etc; he could have anything in the world. but in this moment, in his sleep, honesty shines through. the thing he wants to have and keep the most is luke

but....

i think luke also gets his turn as big spoon the rest of the 30% of the time

if marius is a clingy sleeper, i think luke is a Very Light Sleeper. side effect of the NSB days and the probable PTSD and also the having to handle random nerve pain episodes. luke is always braced for something to go wrong, even in his sleep. this is also why marius is big spoon most of the time, because it helps luke feel safe.

but there are days that even luke—who seems to be full of endless energy, alertness, and capability—gets tired. too tired for that restless hypervigilance to set in, too tired to do anything but just want to conk out immediately.

being held by marius is lovely and calming and peaceful, but there are days when luke is tired that the best way for his energy to slowly creep back up is to be the one holding marius instead.

marius doesnt mind, and hes more than happy to help luke recharge. plus, when luke is the one spooning him, because of their height difference, luke kinda just hooks his chin over marius' shoulder or nuzzles at his nape. it's adorable to marius

and marius just very much likes being the one that can both make luke feel safe and make luke feel the weight of exhaustion just a little bit less

thank you for the ask :D

[tunisian]

just me venting

my mom has been so fucking unbearable since i told her i want to go to tunisia.

she thinks im only going there for my crush (he lives there) despite of me telling her im not even going to see him and me wanting to go on excursions to explore the country.

a list of things that happened ever since then:

she got angry at me because i said 'okay then let's meet up there' instead of 'going there together' (i wanted to go by the end of the month, she wanted to go in october with my dad)

she yelled at me for 'never going there with them again' and how it's been '2-3 years since we flew there together'. like. she completely FORGOT that we were there together a year ago. and we did so many things AND went to a wedding of her cousin. but she just 'forgot'

the day after she thinks shes being very petty and slick by talking to me out of nowhere going 'isnt it better if you spent that vacation money on your drivers license instead?' and i go "i have money for both'. she made another dumb remark after that that i just blocked out

this needs its own list:

yesterday she started our last conversation with 'oh im soooo tired....' and because i didnt reply she continues: 'ive been up since FIVE/FIVE THIRTHY AM!!' and i go 'okay? me too? and i had to go to work.' and then she says that she couldnt sleep because she had a 'prophetic dream', you know those dreams people swear will come true like its an omen.

she dreamt about 'something bad happening to me'. i ask what it was about, she says 'oh i cant tell you bla bla if i tell you it will come true'. so i go 'let me guess. you dreamt about something bad happening to me when im there'. and she says 'YOU KNOW I CANT TELL YOU'.

i tell her 'let me guess. i got it right. you know what? im not going there in september. i'll go in november then.'

she replies with 'THEN IM GOING WITH YOU (AS WELL)

at this point im very, very fucking tired. so i say 'you want to go with me in november after going in october? alright. but first find a way how you're going to give me the 500 euros you borrowed from me. then find a way how you're going to pay for your 'upcoming trip' in october since you want to stay in a hotel and go on excursions with me so bad. then find a way how you're going to pay for all of those things as well for november. then we'll see.'

her: 'wowwww im your MOM. remember what i did for you last time so you could go in may? and you're going this to me?'

me: 'in may you asked me EVERY DAY where your money was and to pay you back. i paid you back at SOON as i got paid. today is the ONLY time i bring up the money you borrowed from me and its been two weeks. YOU made it a problem. so yes. pay me back and then we'll see about november.

i go to my room, not even a couple of minutes later shes in there too and gave me back my money saying 'im never asking or borrowing money from you again'

i didnt talk to her for the rest of the night + she told my dad about it im some fucking way because when i greeted him this morning he went 'STAY AWAY FROM ME IM ANGRY AT YOU.' im 25 dont make me fucking laugh

and today she 'sat me down' and said 'you're not going to tunisia. forget about it.' like i still want to go when you've been doing nothing but work on my fucking nerves about it

shes also convinced herself that 'its very suspicious i want to go see more of tunisia NOW' as if september doesnt have the best fucking weather over there and tickets are much cheaper now (i couldnt go in july because of work, august was too hot and too expensive)

once again she also convinced herself im going there for my crush and she said 'you are bringing yourself DOWN [for others]' like at this point she's just delusional.

besides this shes also been pushing me to find another job and to find 'my own place' but not even in a normal amount. she literally said 'im pushing you to motivate you' and i told her today that the only pushing shes doing is pushing me over the fucking balcony (we live on the highest floor of this apartment building) and then she called me 'weak'

she even brought up one of my close friends for no fucking reason like they owe me to help me? + she truly thinks i dont have any dreams that im working towards or something and im not amounting to anything because im not working myself to the bone at some fucking company to get a minimal wage check by the end of the month. she also went "so? what do you want to achieve?" she even grabbed a PEN AND PAPER to write it down and i go "you know what? i DO want to get a better paying job and i DO want to find my own place so i dont have to come back here ever again :)" and then she threatened me with "if you cut us off YOU wont have any family. you wont have this, you wont have that. dont trust on YOUR friends to be there for you like your family." girl all of you can go fuck yourself.

i truly dont understand what her fucking problem is.

[therealpontius]

For the fan fic requests: Steve-O and Pontius are on a camping trip or a Wildboyz thing. They have to share a tent and things get spicy

This might be alittle different than you asked and might not be so good sorry 😭

Plot: things get wild with the wildboyz

Warnings: drug misuse, violence, withdrawl,blood,NSFW

"Fuck sake!" Steve-o complained. As a punishment for being too hungover to even film for wildboyz that day, jeff gave the boys a tent and left them next to a random road that had a forest next to it were they could set up a camp.

Chris was obviously pissed but took the punishment better than steve-o who threatened to call the police multiple times. "Im going to call the cops!" He would groan through gritted teeth "cmon o' chill and help me set up"

It was already late so the boys had no plans other than to just go to sleep. "No fucking cuddles, im not gay" steve-o hissed while chris crawled into the cosy tent with him. "Stop being a douche, this isnt that bad when you really think about it" "yeah how? No chicks, no drugs, no anything!" "Yeah but you got me?" Steve-o just scoffed "im NOT a fruit" chris back hand hit him on the head "shut up and stop being so fucking negative" steve-o went into shock since he had never heard his friend be so aggressive but quickly broke out of it. "What the fuck!" He got up and straddled chris's waist, punching his face.

The withdrawal was getting on steve-os nerves more than he would like to admit. It had been hard for him to concentrate on anything all day, his body was shaking sometimes and he would get constant cold sweats making him feel ill. The last thing he needed was his 'buddy' being pissed at him.

"Shit!" Chris panicked, grabbing the scrawny mans wrists in a tight grasp to stop him from beating him up. "Let go of me you idiot!" He fought against him, chris could feel the blood from his lip roll down his cheek " you fucking hurt me you prick! Im bleeding! If i let go of your hands youll try kill me again!" Chris raised his voice, stopping steve-os angry squirming "fine ill stop" he rolled his eyes, chris reluctantly let go of his wrists.

Steve-o stayed put on his torso, making himself comfy right on his crotch "is it okay?" "Yeah its fine. What the fuck got into you?" Steve-o groaned in response, not wanting to talk about his withdrawal or even talk about himself at all. "Just needing some coke" chris let out a small giggle, not meaning to offend him "damn so i have blood allover me because of some drugs?" Without thinking he rested his hands on steve-os thighs "im sorry dude.. i really dont know why i done that" chris rubbed his thumbs in circles trying to sooth his friend.

Steve-o noticed this but decided not to say anything, it felt so good and he didnt want him to stop. He had had a crush on chris for god knows how long but had been too scared to admit it.

"Quite comfy?" Chris asked, referring to steve-o overstaying his welcome on his lap "oh shit sorry" purposely he grinded against chris while alwardly trying to get off him.

Chris had also had a crush on steve-o for awhile but didnt want things to go sour between them if steve-o didnt feel the same. When steve-o dismounted him and grinded against him he felt himself already getting hard.

Chris moved to his side to take his mind off steve-o sitting ontop of him, when he lay on the secret stash of weed he hid in his underwear for when steve-o was sleeping "what was that?" Steve asked, turning to face chris "nothing..." "you got food?" "No?" "Cause if you are eating, im hungry so" "its not food o' i swear, go to sleep" "is it fucking drugs?" Chris went silent to ponder what reply to give him "are you fucking kidding me on? Where the fuck is it?" Steve-o raised his voice "fuck sake! Its mine!" "But im having withdrawal! I could die dude" with a loud groan chris sat up, putting his hand into his boxers. Eventually he pulled out a small plastic bag that held a blunt and he flung it in between the two who sat with their legs in a basket "no lighter?" "Fuck sake" chris grumbled, unzipping his bag and pulling out the penis shaped lighter "fucking freak" steve-o mumbled, opening the small plastic bag to steal the blunt.

"You better share" chris added as the skinny man unzipped the tent and sat at the opening to keep himself dry but not make the tent musty. He took a long draw of it, enjoying the blazing feeling down his throat "auuu fuck, thats it" chris rolled his eyes, still lying down on the bed, steve-o sitting infront of him. "You want abit?" He offered, passing him the blunt "yeah.." after a draw he passed it back, steve-o scanning his face "whats wrong with you?" "What do you thinks wrong with me?" Both the men paused for a moment "your on your period?" "Fuck off" chris giggled, unintentionally. "Then what the fucks wrong dude?" "You stole my night time weed and your being a dick, im litterally bleeding as we speak" chris said referring to his cut that had not yet healed "were? From your vagina?" Steve-o shot back in a witty manner, making them both laugh. "I cant ever stay mad at you, you know me too well" "and thats why you love me so much" steve-o added to test the waters, passing the blunt back to chris. Chris lay his hand on the inside of steve-os thigh "thats why i love you.."

Softly chris glided his hand closer and closer to steve-os growing bulge, soft whimpers falling from o's mouth. Wordlessly chris handed the blunt that was almost finished back to steve, cupping his bulge with his big hand as soon as he placed it in his mouth. He let out a loud groan, chris scanning the side of his face carefully while moving his hand up and down the fabric of his boxers. Steve-o passed the blunt back "you finish" once chris grasped the blunt steve-o turned round and straddled him again, making sure his bulge was rested against is friends. While chris continued to smoke, puffing the air into o's face, steve-o grinded his bulge off chrises like a desperate dog "you look so pretty when your desperate for me" chris praised, his voice deep with lust in a way steve-o had never heard before.

Chris crushed the blunt onto the grass and flipped steve-o over effortlessly, sitting on him the way he was only seconds ago. Chris continued to pull both their boxers down, steve-o staring at him in either fear or confusion "are we really doing this?" He asked timidly "unless your not wanting to then fuck yeah" "yeah dude just get on with it". Chris looked down and admired the sight of both their hard cocks resting against the other .With his thumb and pointer finger he created a circle shape, moving it up and down just over steve-os tip. A soft grunt left steve-os lips that was probably more from surprise at the sudden sensation. "You like that?" Chris teased with a grin, steve-o just arched his back.

He stopped his teasing movements and leaned over to kiss him "HEY DUDE! NO?" Steve-o spat like their cocks werent literally touching "what are you so afraid of?" Chris asked seductively, rolling his hips forward to rub himself against the skinny man that looked up at him with suddenly soft eyes "fuck.. nothing just..." he trailed off, closing his eyes in bliss while chris continued to rub himself off his cock. While the opportunity was there, chris bent down again to kiss steve-o but this time he didnt swat him away and make a fuss. He pushed against his lips greedily. "Fuck, you changed didnt you?" "Chris just touch my cock before i decide to hate you again!" Steve-o playfully raised his voice, pulling away from the kiss.

Chris obliged, wrapping his hand around both of their cocks, sliding his hand over just the top. A loud groan slipped from steve-os mouth "oh fuck dude...thats incredible" "mhm..." chris groaned. He looked down at steve-o admiring how gorgeous he looked, god why cant he do this everyday.

The two continued like this for another minute before steve-o couldnt stop moaning, loud and gutteral only turning chris on more "fuck dude.. im like so fucking close" "same...your shirt, lift it so it doesnt get stained. Without hesitation steve-o ripped his own shirt off, dick twitching in chris's hand. "Jesus.. i cant... wait anymore" "just let go.. cmon" with a loud exaggerated moan steve-o came alover his chest, chris very shortly came too at the sight and the overwhelming pleasure.

Short panted breaths were the only noise that filled the air, the realisation finally hitting steve-o "dude, cmon get off, i need to wash" he sounded upset with himself, desperate to run away from this situation. Im not really gay right? Chris stripped his shirt off and started cleaning their mixed mess off his stomach, aware of his regret. "Why did you ruin your shirt?" "I dont know.. just wanna make sure your clean" steve-o scoffed but looked up at him in appreciation "thanks..."

They lay back down in silence "you dont regret it do you?" chris asked, feeling guilty "yeah i do. Im not gay" steve-o bit, turning round to face chris "no one said you were, stop getting uptight we are best friends". Did he just friend zone me? "Just cmon, no one needs to know" chris noticed something outside catching steve-os eye behind him"what? What is it?" Chris turns round to face where steve-o was looking to be met with a very small red light "what the fucks that?" He jumped up and ran for it, it was a camera, a small hidden camera that was facing the tent. "Oh shit.." steve-o mumbled.

They spent a whole hour trying to delete their now sex tape from the camera but were unsuccessful, it had been determined that it was one of theirs from the wildboyz sticker that sat at the bottom"i cant let jeff see this, no fucking way" steve-o growled, resting his head in his hand "we will just say that it got lost. Some animal came by and ran with it"

The whole night was silent from then on. Chris slept like a baby but steve-o got absolutely none, tossing and turning, not exactly regretting it but uncomfortable with himself.

The boys woke up to jeff blowing an air horn inbetween their heads, both of them jumping and staring at jeff like they wished death on him “wake up sleepy heads we gotta head” the crew had started lifting their luggage to the van so that they didnt take forever to pack it. “Too early, too fucking early” steve-o grumbled “whats wrong boys busy night?” Jeff smirks making both theirs face’s go red, he then proceeded to take the camera from under steve-os pillow. He smiled at their plum coloured faces “live camera…”

[thepoolhead1]

since literally no one will look at this post because of the lack of tags (idk how that shit works), i will proceed to vent about what i hate about the stupid church im forced to participate in.

my immediate family goes to a conservative christian megachurch and it is agony. since it is a megachurch that probably doesnt pay taxes and gets its members to donate (checks notes) over a million dollars a year to support their totally ethical business.

as a young person, i am apart of this church’s student program where young, impressionable teenagers are hammered to death with teachings that rely way too much on one source (doubt it would fly in ap lang). one program in particular is one where people pay up so their kids can leave the concrete hell of (sub)urban life and live in the middle of the woods for a week while we learn about jesus fucking christ.

now how the camp works is that we are split up into groups of about 10 led by one adult. we all share a small cabin and we learn about jesus fucking christ together. each day, we would team up with another group for the ultimate collab and we would learn about jesus fucking christ. in these discussions, you could really see these people’s true colors. one thing that cropped up was the brief but apparent animosity towards the lgbtq+ people. this isnt anything new but it made me want to get up and leave. i just couldnt. i may be a bit biased as a closeted bi but i think it’s not that good to have seemingly irrational hatred toward a group of people that try to be who they are.

the biggest pisser for me were these two people that were getting on my nerves even though i tried my damndest to silently say fuck off.

every night, everyone would gather in a worship center and we would all sing about some weird metaphors and shit. me, being the edgy badass i totally am, didnt give a flying shit and made it apparent by plopping in earbuds and listening to whatever i felt like. this caught the attention of the group leader, who threatened confiscation, so i sat on the opposite side of the row as him. easy. then this fucker showed up.

at first it was just one. she saw i was sitting down during the songs. she saw i had earbuds in. “blasphemy,” she thought. “he must be dealt with.” so she approached me and asked what was up. i responded as vaguely as possible, not willing to give any ground. she eventually fucked off until i was a repeat offender i accidentally let my guard down and let something slip.

shit.

i was somehow able to get out unscathed though. i was lucky. the next time, she brought backup. a brother? a boyfriend? i didnt give a fuck but i didnt like him. they pestered me, asking me questions. they were merciful enough to keep prodding to a minimum, but i had to stand my ground. eventually, the backup tried his final attack: asking for my contact info so he could watch my every move. this attack was sneaky but i avoided it. the nightmare was finally over. i couldnt wait to get back home so i could pretend i overslept so i could skip church.

my favorite part of the camp was the free time. i would just sit under a beach umbrella and look out over the lake water and think: “damn. god aint shit.”

this is my first personal rant and this will not be the last. this is tagless because i just want to get shit out there. not commercialize it. its three am and i might sleep.

[xelpaz]

brian wakes up to the phone ringing.

he blinks, letting reality settle over him until he figures out what the noise is.

it takes atleast 10 seconds for him to squint and realize that its the phone across the room thats rattling.

brian groans and turns over, pulling the blankets back over his head in an attempt to block out the noise. he does not want to talk to anyone right now. in fact, he very specifically remembers knocking it off the line because the constant calls had been annoying him.

anita must have put it back on when she came to check on him. one frantic visit from roger had been enough. brian blesses and curses her at the same time.

anita is great. she has been nothing but understanding, a fantastic lover and a friend, and he wouldnt exchange her for the world.

but right now, he really wishes she had left the phone hanging down. he brings his hands up to cover his ears. the tone is grating on his already exhausted nerves, all he wants for whoever is calling him to lay off,  to go back to sleep and forget that hes still here.

finally, the ringer goes dead.

he lets out a sigh of relief

it immediately begins to ring again.

brian makes sound of frustration into his sheets. maybe if he squeezes his eyes shut long enough, the incissitent ringing will cease and he can be left alone in his misery in peace.

hes sure it gets louder just to spite him.

he makes it another 15 seconds before he breaks.

"oh for fucks sake-" he rolls and pulls the blankets off and swings his legs over the side of the bed, padding over pick up the reciever.

"what. do you want" he says flatly. hes well aware he sounds bitter but fuck, hes tired. company of any kind from another person is the last thing he wants right now.

even if he kind of needs it. not that he'll ever admit that.

"oh good, youre alive" rogers voice comes out the other end. some far away part of him thinks that he sounds concerned.  brian softens a degree. "are you decent? i'm coming over. we're going out. be there in 10"

"what? roger, no-"

the line goes dead. brian curses again.

he really, really, doesnt want to go out. he hasnt showered in 3 days, 10 minutes isnt nearlt enough time to make himself look presentable if he tried, and the thought of having to interact with another person right now makes his arms itch. he'd nearly strangled the last interviewer as it is.

for half a heartbeat he considers just barricading his front door and going back to bed.

not that thats ever stopped roger taylor from getting what he wants.

he rubs his hands down his face. if he was capable of damning roger, he thinks he'd of done so a long time ago. /still/ he thinks. /theres never been a better time then now/.

theres not enough time for a shower so he settles for the cleanest clothes he can find, a damp washcloth scrubbed hastily over his face, and comb through the end of the worst of his curls. at one point, he makes the mistake of looking at himself in the mirror and grimaces.

he looks and feels like death. the meager scraps of self confidence he had have withered away to near nothing.  whatever roger has planned have better be damn worth it.

hes pouring himself a drink when the doorknob rattles. a moment later, roger is crossing over the threshhold into his kitchen.

"and where are we even going?"  brian asks as he clicks in his seatbelt.

"somewhere."

brian rolls his eyes.

"and what will we be doing?"

"youll see."

"honestly, rog" brian huffs. "if youre going to drag me out of bed /now/ then i think i atleast deserve to know whats going on"

"and you will soon enough." roger doesnt even bother taking his eyes off the road. brian makes a face in his direction, and then turns to watch london pass by.

roger is silent the rest of the drive. it isnt long. within minutes, theyre pulling up in front of a largely unassuming building, save for one thing.

in big letters over the main entrance reads "london psychiatric hospital"

"roger." brian deadpans. "what are we doing here"

"simple. you have an appointment" comes the reply. at last, roger looks at him "i booked you in a few weeks ago"

brian looks at him incredulously. a retort sputters and dies on his tongue. it takes a few tries before he can speak again.

"you what?" he finally manages.

"i booked you in for a therapy appointment. a few, actually. go in and ask for doctor callaghan. dont worry about paying. i did all that already"

brian is looking at roger like hes grown three heads.

"roger." he says at last. "im not going to therapy."

"like hell youre not" he replies flatly. "this is something we should of done for you 20 years ago. youre long overdue for this."

"you cant just-!" brians voice rises up a tick. "i dont need anyone to complain to, i think ive had a very expected reaction to everything going on."

"a normal reaction?" roger hisses. "you think anita finding broken razors in your bathroom is normal? seeing as you wont let me in anymore? you need this, bri. youre not you"

"take me home, roger. im not doing this".

roger swears and kicks under the center console.

"honestly, rog, it isnt that big of a deal so-"

"so what" roger yells, cutting him off. theres fury in his voice. "so you can try to kill yourself again?"

as soon as the words leave his mouth, he deflates. he bangs his head against the steering wheel once, raw frustration. his shoulders are shaking.

"you cant leave me and john alone. not now". this time voice comes out ragged.

brian blinks. theyve all been hurting. he thinks of john, so full of pain that hes retreated where neither of them can reach him. he thinks of cold, empty beds that will never feel truely full again. this has been impossibly hard on all of them, but roger doesnt have an anita or a veronica to fall into. john and brian are the only  hearts he has left.

he is he to rob him of another one?

"okay." he says quietly. "what time will i be done"

roger lets out a breathe he hadnt known he'd been holding.

"two hours, give or take. call me when youre done, i'll take you home. if theres not a phone inside, theres one a block away"

"okay"

he sits for another moment and then leans over and presses a small kiss to rogers cheek. this close, he can see rogers eyes flutter close behind his sunglasses.

without another word, he slides out of the car and walks up to the front door.

roger slides a thumb over the place where brians lips touched,  and watches him go inside.

[enlighten3d]

fuck this, i have more thoughts abt buttercups eva au!

(if this is your first time seeing buttercups eva au: its an au where grian, mumbo, and scar are pilots of evangelions. like, from neon genesis evangelion. i dont think much knowledge of eva is required, but im prolly wrong shfjfj. other things abt this au can be found in the #buttercups eva au tag.)

character backstories! made this up while trying to sleep last night . this is scars, ill write grian and mumbos later

reminder that im kinda partially saying 'fuck the lore of eva' bcs i literally watched this thing two days ago and it does not make sense to me but i like the Vibes. also am maayyybeee??? calling the angels watchers in this au.

so, scar goodtimes: (this is more of a character profile... a rly rambly one.)

his parents were... killed, and he is under suspicion for being the one to do it. i am unsure whether or not he actually killed them, but the alternative is that they killed themselves and then he got blamed for it. whatever. he doesnt particularly care that they died; they were assholes. so hes on the run, hopping countries whenever he can. he tries to stay in places the longest he can, but he can never stay too long as it gets unsafe + he gets paranoid. also he pissed off a SHITTON of people during his travels so hes also hiding from them. at some point tho he gets weary of always running, despite being scared of stopping, he says fuck it and tries to settle down someplace, even just for a bit. probably fuckin... germany or something? he IS technically supposed to be the asuka of this au.

so he settles down in say, gemany. tricks the government into giving him a new identity via the loophole of him being born right after the second impact, when the world was in SHAMBLES. he says that he never like, officially registered in the government databases due to the disarray and is only coming forth about it now. the government is like 'okay sus but sure'. mooostly cause hes a viable eva pilot i think. anygays he gets an identity, goes to school, is very Normal, but then he gets approached like 'hey do you want to pilot a giant mech? okay great you have no choice'. he wouldnt have said no either way; nerv being a government facility means that its safe. besides, hes curious.

so he becomes the second child, the pilot of eva unit02. he doesnt find it particularly great but its fine enough. he likes feeling like he actually has power for once in his life. he knows he doesnt, not really, but what matters is the feeling of it when it comes to these things, isnt it?

and if youre going like 'lime, his parents being mysteriously killed and him being on the run is a rly flimsy backstory', my answer to that is that i KNOW. but this is silly au and i can do what i want. all of this is subject to change hjksdfsnamd

also hes trans (because i said so). when he got a legal identity, they were like 'we are not going to call you scar'and he was like 'boo'. and then still went by scar.

hes been in a LOT of countries over the course of the course of his life, which means that hes picked up quite a few other languages. how can he trick convince people into letting him hitch a ride if they dont understand him! so hes a polyglot but like, a really bad one if that makes sense fsjdkfnds. id say hes fluent in english, german, japanese, which are the obligatory languages for this, but im sure he knows several more, even if hes not necessarily fluent.

his whole life, especially while his parents were alive but even after that, hes been told that hes worthless and that he wont ever really accomplish anything. how could anyone like him ever do anything with their life? so yeah, spite. hes decided that no, theyre wrong. even though hes never been in one consistent place for most of his life, hes always been determined to somehow prove them wrong. so that definitely plays into being one of the first eva pilots beside the whole safety thing.

hes... determined. but hes never had many close relationships, having always left before anything true could bloom (boom, the whole being on the run thing is a metaphor now as well cause hes running from himself too haha). he puts up a confident façade to hide the fact that he very much does not know what hes doing. hes trying to prove people wrong, that hes better than what they say, but he usually always leaves before he can do that, afraid of actually doing it. here, hes forced to actually stay. so even if he doesnt particularly want to (he does, he just doesnt want to acknowldge it because surely hes better than personal connections? surely theyre a weakness?), he becomes close friends with grian and mumbo and learns that yeah maybe he doesnt have to run. maybe he can stay put.

and thats it mostly!

hope this makes sense, thank you so much for reading! if you have any questions or thoughts abt this au, shoot them in my askbox. this is a very very unplanned au, so anth is appreciated. Ɛ>

[valdederon]

FLAMES JOURNEY CHAPTER #23 nightmares and worries

the next morning valdederon wakes up seeing nova asleep under his tail shivering as he picks her up and lays her in his lap. untill she wakes up and grips his furr shaking.

valdederon-- whats wrong hun.

nova--couldnt sleep much last night i kept having nightmares..w..what if we get into a dungeon and i loose you i.

valdedering puts his paw on her muszzle and gently squeases instantly silencing the clearly sleep deprived and cranky riolu. and gently lifts her up into his arms carrying her to evergreens office to get some slep medicine.

valdederon--- evergreen do you have any decently strong sleep medicine. nova has been having some bad nightmares and somthing to help with that would be awsome if you can as well.

evergreen looks up from his paperwork and chuckles.

evergreen--- sure i can get some stuff for her.

nova-- why is your face all beat up.

valdederon sighs ears lowering as evergreen busts out laughing.

evergreen---- a certain feniken unleashed a powerful ember attack on me when he was brought here the scar is sizable now but my face was… black all over when it happend ..a newborn feniken that powerful he he verry rare isnt it val.

valdederon --- ha ha ha yea.. im still sorry about that. he he i wasnt in the best mood that day… or for a fair bit after that.

evergreen-- well from what ive heard over the years youve had it rough most of your life its no wonder you took awhile to settle down. . ahh here we are found some good herbs.. ill mix them up with some mint.

nova yawns heavily and shifts around in valdederons hold.

valdederon-- this world is amazing though..

evergreen nods and begins to mix the herbs together. adding in a few leavs of mind and adds a mineral based water seeing nia also needs some nourishment for her furr.

evergreen-- what have you all been up to.. her furr looks a mess.

valdederon--- mostly training and yesterday we took her on our first dungeon mission. i think she might be scared now.

nova whines and growls crankily wanting to rest.

valdederon--- oh hush you dont make me bop that snout of yours. youl get some rest soon evergreen is preparing your medicine

she whimpers at the thought of her nose getting boppes and burries her face in his furr.

evergree finished with the medicine--- ha ha ha ha now thats just mean. though she doesnt look to fussed about it..

valdederon takes the medicine and taps her shoulder handing her the cup .

valdederon--- yea she and i are verry much brother and sister now. she tests her limits evry now and then but overall knows to trust in me and i know that she can handle some situations alone.

nova drinks the medicinal concauction and slowly dozes off soon falling asleep with a soft purr when taiga the serperior guild master and valdederons father comes in.

taiga-- evrything ok . you left with out saying good morning bud.

valdederon--- yea im fine nova is having arough patch so i came to get her some medicine to help her sleep and calm her nerves.

taiga chcukles using his vines to rub her head as valdederon begins heading out of the infirmary. and back to his quarters laying nova down in the nest and sitting next to her letting his fluffy tail cover her like a soft comforting blanket. while kleo comes in with some fresh muffins.

kleo-- i heard your adventure last night was eventfull how did it go.

valdederon-- ha ha yea it was it went ok though im thinking were going to work on her mental resistance soon.. she didnt fight much but i think given that she was attacked and she saw goblins getting cut down i think shes freaking out inside but trying to hide it.

valdederon looks at his nest witch has a noticable wet patch and sighs.

valdederon--- shes definatly to mentaly stressed to do any other physical training or a dungeon run. ill be talking to raykore about doing some exercises to help her recover later.. but fornow i think its best i let her sleep.

kleo sighs and slithers over coiling around valdederon and nova comfortingly.

kleo-- youve grown so much since coming here.. but i think maybey dungeon diving isnt for you i .. your going to get distracted trying to protect and get hurt or .

valdederon-- i know your worried. but ill be fine i promise plus i wont be alone.. i have draggo nova.. and even raykore.

kleo smiles and kisses valdederons fore head and heads out. for the next 5 hours nova sleeps peacefuly untill she rolls over and sneases with a groan.

nova---my head hurts.

valdederon--- you wana go get some lunch.. im sure your hungry .

she nods and steps out from the nest only to grogily face plant onto the floor with a yelp and valdederon chuckles softly helping her back up.

nova---not a dam..word val…

valdederon--- no one will hear a sqeak of it lets head to the mess hall

the both head out to the feast thats in progress and draggo smiles having been waiting

draggo---were the hell have you guys been.ive been worried.

valdederon--- nova was abit sleepy still so i let her sleep in abit were here to eat no though .

for the next couple hours the whole team digs into the ongoing feast nova eating slower then she usualy does untill valdederon puts his paw gently on her shoulder making her smile rembering shes not alone anymore . eventualy after lunch they head to a smal camp site out behind the guild and raykore materealizes and can sense nova stress.

raykore-- whats wring with the pup.

valdederon--- shes under some serious stress the recent attack on her and her family and the what she saw in the dungeon. we need to start working on helping her mind and fortifying it.

raykore--- i see.. yes that is concerning we will begin working on that.. ive read up on riolu and lucario dynamics they train thier minds through meditation.. much like some wizards and mages did were were from.

valdederon--- yea thats a good point i never thought on that.

raykore-- well you didnt have to harden your mind ha ha ha you were already a arock hard mountain when we met.. though im glad to see youve become a.. some what cahotic but gental river stream.

draggo---……..some what chaotic… you are talking about the same delphox who anialated an army of imps in one second flat right.

raykore chuckles.

raykore--- believe me.. that isnt his worst kid and im happy to say i doubt wed see his worst any time soon.

{narator note} they all relax un aware on how incredibly wrong that statement is. as later on down the line un known forces will see the brutality that lay in his heart when his family is threatened .

< this is a hint of future events with out spoiling much an entire army will see him at his worst.. his most enraged state were even a god would scramble to run from his wrath >

valdederon sits down with raykore and nova as he decides to take part in her lessons on meditation. after awhile valdederon is fully entranced much to raykores amused surprise him having never cared about meditation training before but then focuses on trying to treach nova who is struggling to grasp how to meditiate eventualy getting her to slip into a trance and keeps an eye on her and valdederon.

draggo-- how will this help nova.

raykore taking a puff from her smoking pipe and blowing it into the trees.

raykore--- meditating is a good way to get the mind to calm and slowly wor through issues.. as to exactly how it works ha ha not even the greatest of sages could explain it.. i personaly believe that the trance like meditation stops the minds over thinking of situations. and begins to help it proccess recent events in a healthy maner.. how ever it works its prooven to help heal the mind body and soul. hell even some spirits still meditate. i am shocke dthat val is doing it though.. ha ha

draggo-- why is that.. did he not like meditating.

raykore--- i think it was mainly to do with how he was at the time.. hate.. rage.. anger..persuing revenge at evry turn.. at a subconcious level i think he knew back then if he meditated his plan would have ended before it even got off the ground.

draggo sighs seeming to understand.

[2bit-sunshine]

Hi friend, I hope this isn't untoward but I hope the things that have helped me can help you. Do you have a pet? It doesnt help everyone but it did for me to sleep with my dog.

But the true advice is this. Learn your warning signs. Dont open your eyes. remember it will pass because they always do. And focus on something to keep you grounded.

For me if i slept with my head at an odd angle or with any weight on my chest it could lead to an episode. I once had too many blankets over myself. Just 2 light ones. Another i was literally sleeping with my hands folded on my chest. Both times i had an episode. It doesnt take much weight.

Second I learned sometimes I can literally feel it start with a weird pulse through my body. Like a sensation starting from my chest and spreading through my limbs and head. Once i learned that i started watching for it. Then when it happened I knew I what Was gonna happen.

I stopped sleeping with more than one blanket unless its cold and then i just keep em off my chest. Weighted blankets are a no go for me. I keep weight off my chest and avoid sleeping on my back. The air pressure can be enough to set it off. If youve seen that video of someone snapping a ruler by setting 1 sheet of paper over it then slamming the end hanging off the table, it can help to think of the air applying the same pressure per square inch across your chest. Its heavier than youd think.

Now the thing i hate is i do just have to wait it out. Thankfully because im half a sleep its easy to lose track of time before i fall back asleep. But during that i keep my eyes shut to avoid seeing dream like stuff. My imagination is active enough as is i dont need to see more than i can imagine. (If you have trouble with hallucinations or are sensitive to weird stuff, thats a different beast but id be willing to read into it if youre too busy). So the last thing I do to pass time is I focus on something I can do or try.

Dont panic and keep your breathing even. For me I try to move a body part even if its really, really hard. Sometimes i have managed it. Knocked my dog off the couch though because it is a very clumsy thing to move a leg when you cant send the nerve signals right. She got kisses and love when i came to though.

I have done things to try to draw attention. Making noise if i can. Breathing sharply but evenly through my nose. Moving my leg as hard as i can so it hits the floor and makes a noise.

It doesnt always work but the important thing isnt that it draw attention but it lets me do something keep myself busy. Itll pass on its own as it always does i just need to think of something else to do instead of panicking.

Stress plays a factor too but sometimes unless something really changes in your situation it can be very hard to be not stressed. That being said. Meditation and mindfulness are one of those pesky things that can be helpful here. Youre unable to move but you can try to keep yourself stable and grounded mentally. Its stressful in the moment so try praxticing when youre just going to sleep. I like to think of the sound of one hand clapping and what the hell the actually means. Breathe steady and evenly. Think of something weird but unstimulating. Like a sound of one hand clapping. What could it sound like? Is it clapping against a wall? A bed? A thigh? What do those sound like and is it a hand clapping by itself? Or is it like a silence or a whoosh of air as the hand moves?

These questions dont have answers theyre just useful distractions and excercises in emptying your thoughts. A tree falls and nothing is around to hear it? Does it make a sound? Yes but what does it mean to ask that question. Does it matter if no one heard it? Does it matter if it made a sound at all but nothing could hear it? Get lost in asking questions with no regard to if the answer actually matters. Asking questions for their own sake. Screw what the answers might say.

Finally i wish you luck. Ive been there and it really sucks. Like a metric ton of suckage. Sometimes alittle change can do a lot, ya know? Best of luck and im here to talk if sleep doesnt work. Feel free to message me if you want!

every single attempt to sleep turns into sleep paralysis JELP

[tadashiwa]

karasuno boys reacting to you sending nudes for the first time

features: hinata, kageyama, tanaka, nishinoya, tsukishima, yamaguchi, daichi, sugawara, & asahi

hinata shoyo

he absolutely loses his fucking mind

you innocently texted him "guess what i bought :D" and he obviously asked to see

and there u were. kneeling in front of a mirror. in white lingerie. and its so sheer you might as well be wearing nothing.

it's not hinata's first time seeing you in a position like this, but oh my god you sent him a picture just for him to keep all for himself of you looking like this—

he's painfully hard almost instantly, sitting back against his headboard and pulling his cock out of his shorts

instantly becomes a babbling mess and cant form thoughts

kageyama tobio

you didn't realize that oikawa was eyeing you like a man starved when you and kageyama ran into him

but kageyama sure did

and he wasn't gonna let it go

he didn't blame you, but he was just generally agitated until he dropped you off at home

but when his phone lit up with a text from you as he was brushing his teeth he didn't think twice about it, expecting a simple good night text

but he was met with a picture of you with one of his old jerseys on, the hem of the jersey in his mouth, your bare chest on display for him

kageyama forgot how to breathe

bestie if you dont answer his damn calls

tanaka

you and tanaka had been friends for a while, but you had just recently entered what one would call the "talking" stage

even when you were just friends tanaka never shied away from telling you how attractive he thought you were

and then one night you were feeling yourself, so you thought: fuck it

you texted him asking if he wanted to see this really hot picture you had taken of yourself

obviously he said yes

but what he was Not Expecting was a picture of you holding your tits in the shower, covered in soap bubbles, with your arm covering your nipples

tanaka LOST IT

he lives to serve u

nishinoya

you're sitting on nishinoya's bed as he throws a volleyball up and down at the ceiling

you're complaining about this boy you had been talking to, and nishinoya is trying his hardest not to just tell you how in love he is with you

and

and then

u have the nerve

to say

"and i sent him this really good nude and he literally just sent the thumbs up emoji—"

and then nishinoya is seeing RED

not only did this prick have the pleasure—no—PRIVILEGE—to see you naked, but he didn't even APPRECIATE IT

noya's just joking around when he says "i would NEVER—" and then he starts ranting about how to hype up a girl

but when you say "next time i'll send my nudes to you" and he can't tell if you're joking

but you're CLEARLY not joking when that night you send him a picture of your naked body on display—

he tries to play it cool but hes FREAKING OUT

tsukishima kei

you and tsukishima had been dating for a few weeks

he's clowning you because he thinks you're innocent as hell💔💔

so obviously you've gotta prove otherwise

so you send him a picture of the tattoo in between your tits

he's not even sure if you meant for the picture to be so fucking hot but there you both are and he's looking at your tattoo and he just wants to RUIN YOU—

and he's gotta make sure you know that

tadashi yamaguchi

god bless him

youre gonna actually cause him to drop dead one day

you two had done things with each other before and yamaguchi wasn't a stranger to your body

he obviously still short ciruits every time he as much as thinks about you like that though

one day, when your phone dies, you borrow his phone really quickly

but then a text from tsukishima comes through

"youre paranoid. y/n isnt gonna think u have a thing for thigh highs if u buy them a few pairs for their birthday"

and then u get an Idea.

u ordered a pair of thigh highs that night and poor yams has no idea whats coming

when they come in the mail you put on one of his shirts, the socks, and nothing else

you sit on your calves and bunch up the shirt in your hands and spread your legs juuuust enough for yamaguchi to see how turned on you are

you send him a picture and tadashi literally dies LMAO

he cant even express how bad he needs u

and u dont really grasp it until u see him again

good luck bestie

daichi sawamura

you and daichi had been together for a little over a year

he was away and you hadn't seen him for a while and you needed him

thankfully, the feeling was reciprocated

daichi made this clear when he texted you from his hotel room at 2am LMAO

my boy needs u expeditiously 💔🙏

he asks if you're awake because he wants to hear your voice

when he calls you and you can hear that his voice is a bit strained you know exactly whats going on

"daichi? you're touching yourself aren't you?"

"yeah. yeah, i am, i'm sorry i just need you so bad—" he whines

"don't stop." you state bluntly

and then daichi hears clothes rustling

and then you start moaning and whining and oh my fucking god

when you hang up to go to sleep he texts you thanking you

so you bless him again

rip daichi fr fr

Sugawara Koshi

you and suga were friends

yet you both knew that with how attracted you were to each other it was only a matter of time

and then one night you're both at a party and someone has the genius idea to play truth or dare

you and suga are both a bit tipsy and so obviously you agree

and then someone dares you to let suga give you a hickey

and then you're straddling suga's lap and he's sucking on the sweet spot on your neck and holy shit

he pretends he doesn't hear you whimper over the music and you pretend you don't feel him growing in his pants

eventually you both go home and by this point you're both sobered up

and holy shit is the hickey on your neck is big

you send a picture to suga to show him his work

but you intentionally make sure he can see your bare chest

asahi azumane

this fucking man

has NO IDEA what he does to you

he sends you a mirror selfie at the gym holding up a peace sign because its just a little thing that the both of you do

and his thighs look so. fucking. good.

and so you decide your boyfriend deserves a shot of your glorious thighs right back

so youre wearing one of his shirts and nothing else and lay on your stomach with your ass in the air

and you look so cute

and asahi almost drops dead where he stands from arousal

its what this gorgeous man deserves for living rent free in your head like this

authors note: this was fun :) send me requests!!!!