#i think stede says i love you to his children

[theindiscreetbookworm]

So, on my [redacted] rewatch of OFMD, I noticed that the cadence when Ed says "and tonight I'm supposed to kill... you" and when he says "what makes Ed happy is... you" is the same. The movement of his head is the same, the moment when he looks at Stede is in the same place in the phrase.

DJenks talked that one time about how he actually thinks the bathtub scene is the most intimate scene in the show, how these two people who are so closed off from others sit there and open themselves up to each other for the first time, and how beautiful that is. And I think Ed is confessing the same thing in both these moments.

Now, hear me out. They sound like opposite confessions, right? "I was trying to kill you" vs "I love you". But they're both saying "I love you". It's just in different ways.

"Love of a pet makes a man weak."

"You don't belong in doggy heaven."

I couldn't do it. I was weak. I love you and it made me weak.

By episode 9, by "what makes Ed happy is you", it's changed, but it's not the opposite. It's not 'I love you and it made me strong'.

It's 'I love you and it set me free'.

In the bathtub, Ed is confessing it like a crime. On the beach, he confesses it like a truth. It's such a beautiful development.

[leatherbookmark]

genuinely fucking baffled at people who watch shows that are CLEARLY comedies and call them "devastating", expect "historically accurate" endings and basically act like of/md or go/mens were the first shows they've ever watched. you CAN'T all be media illiterate teenagers, i don't believe that, so why do you act like them :'(

[yronnia]

Your bouncer in Teal and Frills

stop twinkifying Stede Bonnet. my man is shaped like a shot put star why tf do you think Ed said I wanna eat his dick for breakfast???

[petrichorca]

Hello, I am slowly figuring out how to use tumblr effectively. I thought I'd give an update on fics I've written in 2024, but keep forgetting to talk about here in a meaningful way.

As We Go Hand in Hand (explicit, gentlebeard, 7100 words) follows Ed as he processes the past few months while living on the island with Stede, massively in love but struggling with himself. I wrote it while feeling a lot of delayed grief around the (confirmed) s2 cancellation, and while it's sad at points it's also quite romantic I think. I really love this story.

Behind Closed Eyes All I See is You (explicit, gentlebeard, 5300 words) is a smutty PWP my dear friend @chaoticturtleturtle invited me to write with her. Stede lets Ed take the lead in a scene with some sensory deprivation, pwp, and aftercare.

like sugar to my heart (mature, gentlebeard, 4200 words) is a silly fic I wrote for my Animorphs OFMD AU co-writer as a birthday gift. Our blue four-legged four-eyed mouthless alien Stedeth gets foiled by a vending machine (based on the tumblr art of the giraffe centaur), and Ed consoles him.

like a bird (teen, gentlebeard, 3700 words) with @ghostalservice gives some backstory about Stedeth's life prior to the events of our 177k fic and features some very cute art of Mary and Stede's children (as Andalites, of course) by @theogem

Stede’s Cursed Red Suit as a Metaphor for Grief and Moving On (teen, stede + izzy, 1717 words) explores the squishy time of season 2, episode 5, and the dynamic between Stede and Izzy in season 2 overall. I am also obsessed with how Stede acts in the cursed suit. I find their s2 relationship really interesting so this is me looking a bit at that via a missing scene starting with Stede yelling OH FUCK OFF.

Calypso’s Dawn (explicit, gentlebeard, 1800 words) centers around how Ed made his boyfriend blush the morning after Calypso's birthday and how Ed feels about it. I love this fic. I've been trying to challenge myself to write more self-contained, shorter stories and this one turned out really well imo.

Life as a Series of Forward Rolls (teen, gentlebeard, 9900 words) features Stede running into his teenhood crush, the gold medalist in men's gymnastics from the 1996 Olympics. This fic also centers around a Barbie doll in Ed Teach's likeness, which @swashbuckling-sweethearts made an INCREDIBLE art of (embedded at the end of the story), inspired by my own 1996 Olympics Barbie. Silly and light modern AU!

Did you mean to do that? (teen, gentlebeard, 700 words) explores Stede's grief around Ed dying, even when he knows Ed is alive. I had no idea I would be so interested in writing missing scenes, but long conversations with friends have really ignited me in exploring these. (The length - I was trying to channel @brigdh, whose ability to write devastatingly brilliant drabbles inspires me, and I'm pleased with this one!)

Perfectly Ordinary Tuesday (mature, gentlebeard, 4900 words) with @ferventrabbit follows Stede and Ed deciding to get married on a perfectly ordinary Tuesday, and drag their inn guest Dave along for the ride. We split up writing the vows, and I balled my eyes out writing mine and then reading em's. This story is fluffy and fun, and it was a great way to start 2024. :)

What's next: I'm working on or noodling a lot of projects, solo and with different collaborators. Imminently, I've got a fic with @veeagainsttheday coming for AUpril on April 1st. Hoping to get something else out in April for @ofmdjanuaury's AUpril 2024 event, which I highly encourage folks to check out - it's for all sorts of creators!

@ghostalservice and I continue to think about our blue alien Stede and his human boyfriend Ed. Wanna Fly Away was such an important project to me while we were writing, and it's become even more special as folks find it. WFA now has art embedded in most of the 15 chapters, so if you haven't seen those check it out. More to come in that space.

Where was I going with this? Well, I suppose I want to say I'm still here. OFMD changed my life, and the OFMD fandom community is deeply important to me. I still hold out hope for a third season, or a follow-up that brings us more closure, but no matter what I'm still thinking about our pirates and will for a long time. If you read this far, thanks for being part of my community. <3

[brigdh]

Ed and the mortifying ordeal of being known

Ed does not like revealing his feelings. He is incredibly consistent about lying,

hiding

displacing,

distracting, or just outright denying what he's feeling instead of actually talking about it. This is a consistent pattern of behavior with him. There are a few exceptions – most significantly, I think, the bathtub scene where he confesses to Stede about killing his father – but they are a) rare, and b) occur under unusual circumstances, such as a PTSD flashback. In general Ed goes to great lengths to prevent people from recognizing the truth about him.

I don't really blame Ed for this habit, to be clear. He went through an abusive childhood, and though we don't see a lot of the exact dynamics in baby Ed's house, it's very common for abused children to become hyper vigilant of both their own and others' emotions. It's an attempt to exert some, any control they can over the situation, as though they can prevent setting off the abuser if they just always say and do the right thing.

Ed escaped into piracy, but in terms of talking about his feelings, I don't think it was much of an escape. Piracy in OFMD seems to be a place where the idea of having friends (though not the reality – I'd argue Ed might not use the word 'friend', but has had close relationships) is to be scoffed at. "We're all just in various stages of fucking each other over!" says Calico Jack, and being open about your emotions, plans, hopes, etc would just make it all the easier to be betrayed. On the other hand, lying, obfuscating, or just telling everyone about Plan A and then instead pulling off Plan B makes you look like a double-crossing genius who outthought everyone around you. So I'm not surprised that's Ed's learned to be manipulative and uncommunicative. I don't think he's ever been in a situation where emotional openness wouldn't be a disadvantage.

Regardless of why he does this, it's very clear that it's a pattern of behavior for him. This is one reason why I don't think Sad Robe Ed back in Episode 10 was healing – healing requires addressing and dealing with your feelings, and Ed was very much not doing that. I've already written a whole post going through that episode and laying out how Ed never once mentions Stede, or love, or heartbreak, or anything related to what he's going through, so I'm not going to do it again here. In brief, Ed's putting on a performance of sadness for the crew, but it's a generic, vague sort of sadness, without any connection to his personal, specific pain.

Who finally brings up Stede in Ep 10? It's sure not Ed. Izzy:

Which brings us to Season Two. How is Ed doing now?

He's once again making a performance of his pain, and once again keeping it vague, not letting any of his true, personal hurts be revealed.

These:

Are performances of his pain and sadness, but just like before, they're generic, unspecific. This is "Mad Devil Pyrate Blackbeard", not heartbroken, human Ed. Who is it that brings up the private reality of what's causing this toxic atmosphere? Once again, not Ed. It's Izzy, just like before. And this time he gets shot immediately for saying Stede's name, and Ed doesn't even look at him.

In all three episodes, Ed mentions Stede directly only once, and very pointedly, it's when he's alone:

I'm glad Ed has decided that he wants to live, but that's the beginning of a journey, not the end. What I really want to see in the next couple of episodes is Ed finally, for once, opening up. He doesn't want to be vulnerable, but the lack of emotional intimacy that constantly lying and performing has gotten him is, quite literally, killing him.

Ed can't get over his own, very real pain until he's willing to admit that it exists. I want to see him acknowledge where he hurts. He needs friends. He needs love. He can't get those without being honest.

I hope he does. I hope the show will have him do this work instead of skipping him ahead immediately to the happy ending, no behavioral change required. I think they will. It's kind of their motto, after all: talk it through as a crew.

Now if the co-captains would just follow their own advice...

[cuddlytogas]

an incomplete list of terrible but extremely popular Our Flag Means Death takes that I would like to never see again please

(and I do mean popular, as in, lots of people seem to think they're canon, to the point where I feel slightly insane and like I was watching a different show to everyone else)

1. Ed's mum was loving and nice and supportive, if hampered by her bad situation

this comes up more in fic than analysis, to be fair, but good god, what show were some of you watching? this isn't to vilify her, because yeah, she's clearly a product of colonialism, white christian supremacy, and domestic abuse, but like. that doesn't make how she raised Ed good. clearly she was trying to keep him safe, but "we don't deserve nice things", and especially "it's not up to us, it's up to god", speaks to me of someone who squashes down any ambition on her son's part, has fully bought into the lies of christian colonialism, and tries to pass them down to her son.

as does happen in colonised communities, particularly among older generations. I know us white people like to think that every indigenous person is a perfect left-wing anti-imperial activist, but that's simply not the case, and Ed's mum is so clearly an example of an older conservative christian indigenous parent who had to believe the lies told by their coloniser in order to survive, but is now passing on that trauma to their children. and I just...

if I read one more fic where Ed's mum is a perfect loving supportive angel who always believed in her kid and always supported and protected him, I'm gonna scream. yes, it's sweet, and it's fun to sometimes veer from canon and give your blorbo nice things, but it's still veering from canon. and yet, I see very few people acknowledge that, or actually talk about the nuances of Ed's mother, and how she definitely tried to protect him, but was far from sweet, doting, and unconditionally supportive.

2. Ed's loving look when Stede is picking food from his beard in 1x07

like most of these things, I enjoyed it as a joke or exaggeration at first, until I realised that people were actually being serious. but every time I watch that scene, I see Ed looking absently-mindedly over Stede's shoulder, because a) that's what you do when someone leans in to pick something off you, and b) surely the point of the scene is that they're so comfortable and easy together that they don't notice the intimacy of what they're doing, but Lucius, an outside observer, thinks it's obvious. right?? I can't be the only one seeing it???

[sigh]

anyway. finally, the really really big one:

3. Ed is a soft uwu babygirl princess femme bottom sub who loves her cat collar and is teaching Stede how to dom him in the "say you're the captain" scene

I mean, there's not much to say except to link to duke's absolutely phenomenal twitter thread about "how the 'babygirlfication' and infantilization of ofmd ed teach is an extension of racist perceptions of indigenous men being inherently violent and thus needing to be emasculated to be considered sympathetic"

but especially That One Fucking Scene, good lord. talk about taking shit out of context. everyone looked at a slowed-down gif of one shot in the trailer and cried "babygirl!! he's such a simp, he just wants to be dommed!!", when actually that scene is about how a) Stede is cringefail and terrible at being a typical harsh, commanding pirate, and b) Ed is lovingly embarrassed by this. he encourages Stede to assert himself (and give Ed something to do during his probation/help him make amends with the crew), but like. normally. he's acting perfectly normal in that scene, and mostly annoyed by the outfit and embarrassed by how badly Stede fails. but just because he's sitting down while Stede is standing, and he happens to take a breath in that one shot (because, you know, people breathe sometimes), everyone's doubled down on their "submissive babygirl" bullshit, and I can't get the fuck away from it.

which - listen, it's fun for me, too! it's fun to explore exaggerated aspects of a character, it's fun to read/write/draw that angle in smut, I get it! but I keep seeing people keep claim it's literally canon, and I cannot stress enough that that is Straight Up False. for the love of god, please just watch the show without your (potentially kinda racist) bias glasses on, and remember to treat the characters with respect instead of projecting onto their every interaction a shallow dom/sub binary just because you find it hot.

Our Flag is a show very specifically about masculinity, and what it means to be a man; how assumptions about that can harm and restrict men; and how men can grow beyond them. it's a nuanced and sympathetic examination of this. the whole point is that Ed is allowed to like nice fabrics and be tired of violent piracy and still be a man. the point is that two men fall in love - equal, honest, sincere love - and are still men, still exactly who they are.

(on that note, insisting that Ed is canonically trans or femme because of these things often ends up just leaning into gendered stereotypes: men are harsh and active and dominant, and women are soft and passive and submissive, and if Ed's not the former, he must be the latter, right? it also tends to hetero-ify the central relationship, casting Stede as "the boy" and Ed as "the girl", needing one to be masc and one femme. not always, and again, I understand and have enjoyed transformative works that take those elements and run with them, and explore what the story could be like if Ed were trans/nb/etc - but it's still a transformative interpretation. it's not canon.)

relatedly: those fucking wedding toppers! it seemed blatantly obvious to me that half the point of those scenes was that Ed is distraught and blaming himself for Stede leaving because he wasn't the ideal partner. it's his entire arc for the first half of season 2! Ed hates himself and believes there's something wrong about him that makes him unlovable. so he keeps and then discards the wedding toppers, painting himself onto one of them, because he's projecting himself onto an image of ideal/successful romantic love that he thinks Stede wants, and in which he doesn't fit. he's trying to mould himself into someone else to make himself lovable, not realising that Stede already loves him for himself.

so it's important to the whole narrative that Ed's yearning for/projection onto the wedding toppers is false, and born from his insecurity. he gets drunk, and play-acts a stereotypical image of romantic happiness into which he doesn't fit, but real love looks nothing like that, because real love isn't found in stifling hegemonic cultural structures, but honest, emotional connections between people allowed to be their whole, vulnerable selves. Stede is not like the groom, and Ed is not like the bride, because they shouldn't have to be. Ed should not (and does not) have to warp himself into a demure bride in order to be worthy of love: he's already lovable and loved exactly as he is! that's the point!! of the scene!!!!!!

like, it's important that the groom figure isn't actually like Stede, either. yes, it's blond and has a nice, peach-coloured suit, but a) Stede was very specifically unhappy in the posh, heterosexual, married state the figures represent, and b) Stede by this point looks nothing like that figurine. it's directly contrasted with the image of him in the rowboat, scruffy and plain and earnestly in love, rather than fancy, cold ceramic.

[EDIT 29/12/24: I ended up writing a whole Twitter essay about the wedding cake toppers that I then gussied up for Tumblr; so if you want a clearer, more substantial, and better supported argument about those, check that out!]

but no, I have to wade through swathes of art and fic and meta about how badly Ed wants to be a sweet little demure kitty princess, how he wants a wedding night and a ring to prove he's Stede's property, and acting as if this is somehow canon, because people on the internet have zero reading comprehension and are scared of brown men.

the whole point of Our Flag is that you don't need to compress yourself into prescribed social roles, and in fact, doing so will only make you miserable; and that racist, patriarchal, colonial institutions should be resisted and dismantled at every opportunity.

so tell me again why the ultimate message is that Ed and Stede should get married under an arch in front of an altar and their lined-up friends, with flowers and rice falling around them, all dressed in white, one in a suit and one in a dress, with rings and a kiss and a honeymoon after, before they move into a detached house with a yard and a fence and re-adopt the kids that Stede abandoned? and this isn't about promises, fidelity, or even monogamy - I'm specifically talking about everyone in this fandom who seems to think that the ultimate goal is the most stereotypical 20th century cisheteropatriarchal christian wedding, but with the name "matelotage" slapped on top, as if that takes away all of the underlying baggage.

just - I know we're all meant to hate men and masculinity and yadda yadda yadda, but actually, to be earnest for a second, men deserve respect too, because all people and all genders do. and two men are allowed to be in a relationship and still both be men - complex men, with their own, layered relationships to their gender - without having to fall into neatly-arranged dom/sub masc/femme roles, or seal the deal with a hegemonically-approved ceremony.

so please, stop reducing an indigenous lead character to a caricature of a femme uwu princess bottom just because he has long hair, wore a robe once, and you're too scared of brown men to imagine him with proper agency. and then please, for the love of god, stop claiming that that interpretation is canon.

[skrifores]

I have seen the point being made that you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship for some behaviour to constitute domestic violence. I’m seeing this said with regards to Our Flag Means Death and what some people perceive as domestic abuse on Ed’s part - that him not being romantically involved with Izzy shouldn’t mean behaviour between can’t be considered domestic abuse.

It is an excellent point that in many places, the definition of domestic abuse isn’t restricted to intimate partners! It is often widened to consider any violence, coercion and emotional harm taking place within a home environment. Under this definition, children can be victims of domestic abuse by their parents, it can occur between siblings, even roommates - especially with a live-in landlord situation. And of course, the Revenge as well as being a workplace is ultimately where the characters live.

I think it’s very clear that the show is a workplace comedy about pirates, but if you want to apply the definition of violence, coercion and emotional harm within a home environment to your reading to the show, that can be done.

Of course, I would be surprised if you genuinely view it that way and still made it as far as even watching Season 2, given the way what you consider to be domestic abuse in this fictional setting happens so very often with little to no moral consequence, and is often intended to be taken as a joke.

I mean. In the very first episode, the crew talk about killing Stede, and begin to plan for this, including lighting him on fire.

Jim threatens Lucius and actually physically locks him in a small wooden box in the second episode for what seems to be quite a long time.

I think in 4, Izzy pulls on Fang’s beard and it really upsets him. He also talks pretty openly about the intention to kill the Revenge crew, though I’ll let that go at this stage since he doesn’t really live there so much as being there for the purpose of murdering them and stealing their stuff. Still, poor Fang, that looked like it hurt.

While we’re on Izzy, he does also actively try to kill Stede by stabbing him, and he then he goes and does the olde worlde equivalent of calling the cops on him on the intention of having him executed, which seems pretty fucked up on the ‘violence’ part of our DA definition but also hits pretty hard on coercive control since he’s doing this to get Ed to behave differently.

He does prevent the Navy from executing Ed, which is nice, but he does point out that he regrets this, which, ouch, emotional harm. If we’re doing real world definitions, “I should’ve let the cops I called on you murder you” is the sort of thing that would make me feel pretty fucked up. And we all know what it means when someone tells you to watch your step.

But it’s not all about Izzy! (It’s really not, guys, there’s a whole TV show here!) Buttons bites Lucius - who ends up needing the whole finger gone! And he’s a visual artist!

Even my darling man Roach tries to eat the Swede, and I’ve gotta say, I don’t think they were on that island long enough to justify murder.

And who could forget Mary?? Wonderfully written character, love her, but, she does with malice aforethought attempt to kill her spouse in his sleep with a skewer. She was right to do it, in my opinion, but y’know, even without broadening the definition beyond partner relationships, murder of your spouse is pretty classic domestic abuse.

So, y’know, the point I’m getting at really is that if your definition of domestic abuse is violence and control wherein the perpetrator and victim share a significant aspect of their lives like living space - that’s a fine definition in real life. It is the one I use, in real life. But if you apply it to Our Flag Means Death, I really don’t understand how you stomached watching the first season or why you came back for more.

And if you only apply this definition with regards to Ed’s behaviour, but not the rest of the characters, I do wonder why that might be.

[amuseoffyre]

I got thinking that the most honest and raw details about Ed and Stede's past are revealed in Stede's fever-dream and Badminton hallucination and Ed's coma, when they're confronted by their own subconsciousnesseseses (too many esesesss didn't know when to stop).

I had a pick over some of Ed's dialogue from the Gravy Basket the other day, which was barely even scraping the surface, including his expectation of violence when he's vulnerable, anticipation of hurt/cruelty in a domestic sphere and from a caretaker, desperate need for validation and approval and more.

While rewatching episode 1-4 today, it hit me how much Stede's demonstrate his belief that:

he was and remains nothing more than a disappointment to everyone around him, fit for scorn and derision (covering the parent, spouse and child for his fever dream)

no one would care if he was hurt ("Yeah, congrats")

he was insufficient ("you are such a disappointment")

he was a coward/weak ("He was scared of geese, for god's sake," say the man who shows up holding the goose he forced his son to watch him kill)

his choices, thoughts and fears would be laughed at (All of the above + Nigel)

no one cares about his physical well-being (Standing over him, taunting and laughing while he's in pain)

he was a terrible father by choosing to leave ("They'll never see papa again")

his children would hate him and wouldn't care if he was dead ("scoundrels spare no one")

Messy, emotionally-repressive autistic lad hasn't had anywhere to let out his distress for a long time, because he's never felt safe to do it. Mary says she knew he was unhappy and thought she heard him crying alone and, in a flat monotone, he denied it and said the crying was the wind.

He was conditioned to believe anything he said would be shot down. He wasn't allowed to express opinions and thoughts and his father made damn sure if he did have any, they were scoffed at and ridiculed, whether it was Stede's belief he was fortunate to have comfort and wealth or derision about his belief that he could marry for love. Mary's anger at his ship plan comes in there too, even if her reaction is warranted - he still sees a rejection of him, his ideas and the things he cares about.

It says it all that the only time he really does lose his temper in S1 (not including the meltdowns over things not going to plan) is when Jack is deliberately smashing all his buttons, treating him like his peers and dad used to and then, to rub it in extra hard, pissing on his shoes.

Stede tried to do what he normally did in stressful situations: he was going to go back to the ship so no one would see anything, because Conceal Don't Feel is that man's watchword. He bottles so finely he has an entire wine cellar of Trauma.

Ed catches him before he can leave and Stede's all out of control of his emotions and lets opinions fly and next thing he knows, Karl is dead, the crew are upset and Ed is leaving with Jack. So he learns Do Not Show The Emotions Again and boy, how that spectacularly backfires.

And on that note, watching S2, ohhhhhh there's an eruption coming at some point. He has been pushing it all down, shaking the bottles and stacking them. We've had his flashbacks again. We've had him kill for the first time. We've had him almost lose the love of his life multiple times. He's not dealt with any of that and a storm is a-coming now there's nothing to distract him from it.

Also, in case there's any doubts that his trauma isn't lurking to sneak back up and bite him, look at the man he chose to spend time with after Ed left him when he did something regarded as "man's work": an older man in a bloody leather apron just like his father in the flashbacks.

"You like me for me," he says to that guy, the one who has been reassuring him and validating him and telling him how good and worthwhile he is all day.

Stede "Daddy Issues and Then Some" Bonnet.

[paleoleigh]

Thinking about Stede building the Revenge for him and his family. How he knew he was unhappy and so was Mary and probably so were the kids, but his first thought/plan A was for them all to go live at sea together instead of running away himself. A stupid plan based on a self-centered idea of what might make things better? Absolutely, he clearly had a monkey playing symbols in his brain listening to Mary talk about her hatred of the ocean. But he built the Revenge as a home for his family, with a room for the kids (Jim and Olu's room?) and a library which contained children's stories and secret passageways for fun, for playing games.

Having listened to a lot of true crime podcasts with shitty-father villains, it strikes me how the idea that Stede could have just taken the kids is literally never touched on. Yeah, he probably knew he couldn't take care of them on his own, maybe didn't want to (we only really see him interacting with them by playing pirates), but Alma and Louis remain the only people Stede has canonically said the words "I love you" to (yes yes he loves Ed he was about to say it to him in s2e4 and switched tactics, but putting them in a similar category with Ed is pretty telling imo). Like...it probably never once occurred to Stede that another man might have taken the kids with him to spite his ex or to live their happy life of playing pirates on the high seas. Mary said I don't want a boat, I don't hate our lives, and Stede went welp, guess I'm on my own then.

There's a lot that can be said about Stede as a distant father who abandoned his family. I'm not saying he's the bastion of perfect fatherhood. But he's so clearly torn up about leaving them because he knows, morally, that was wrong, and even after he sets things right, he still talks about them ("two messed up kids probably/ didn't fit in with Mary and the kids") which tbh, I thought we were never gonna mention the Bonnet family again after s1e10.

Idk. I think Stede loves his kids as best he can for someone who probably never wanted them, and ultimately helped them out in the long run by not having them have to grow up in a miserable household with unhappy parents and an emotionally distant father who simply couldn't do better than playing games with them.

Also, thinking about how a lot of OFMD is thematic rather than verbally explicit...I think it's incredibly telling how upset Alma was when Stede came back, and that she wanted split the orange so they would still be connected no matter how far apart they were. That in a show with pretty heavy-handed symbolism of physically/emotionally abusive fathers and cycles, the kids are never, ever shown to be afraid of Stede, that when they play together they're all happy, that Stede says he loves them even though they were asleep and didn't hear it, and that the one time they physically touch, it's Alma reaching out to tug Stede's hair in a playful way, and he responds in kind. That Stede breaks the cycle of emotionally distant and abusive fathers by A. Not belittling them ever and B. Leaving when he realized his presence was making things worse.

Tl;dr Stede Bonnet is objectively a bad dad, but he still loves his kids.

[blackbeardsheartbreak]

Ed and Stede have been working on their little “inn” for awhile. It’s coming together slowly. Ed is really enjoying their adventures in carpentry but his favorite time of day is after dinner when they can just be together.

Tonight they built a fire on the beach. Stede is sitting with his back against a log and Ed is lying with his head in Stede’s lap. Ed is gazing up at Stede who is looking into the fire while mindlessly playing with Ed’s hair.

Ed sees that Stede has just had an idea. Ed loves watching this man dream up new adventures for them.

“Should we take a little trip? Maybe we should visit the kids and Mary and Doug.”

Ed freezes. A tsunami of emotion is welling in his chest. He takes a deep breath and turns to face the fire. He’s frantically bottling and boxing up the inadequacy and jealousy and hurt. He hopes Stede hasn’t noticed. Has Stede noticed? Ed glances up. Stede’s still staring into the fire. How long has it been, seconds, minutes, hours. Breathe.

“Sure, babe. I’d love to meet your kids.” That sounded normal right?

The next few days pass in a blur. Ed hardly sleeps or eats or sits still. He just keeps finding more things to work on late into the night. Does Stede even know what this is doing to him?

——

Ed can barely think over the roaring in his head as they approach Mary’s house. He wants to bolt as Stede knocks on the door. Someone is ushering them in the house. Mary? What does she mean Stede can’t be seen here because he’s dead?

Inside is chaos. Kids come running and Stede is giving them gifts. Doug, presumably, is shaking Stede’s hand and smiling widely. Ed’s standing with his back against the front door like he just wants to melt through it and disappear.

“You must be Ed.”

Ed blinks back tears he didn’t even know were there and forces his eyes away from Stede.

Mary. Mary is beaming at him.

Stede told her about him?

“Come on, Ed, let’s get a drink.”

Mary takes Ed by the arm and leads him to another room. She pours them each a brandy and sits next to Ed on the sofa.

“So you’re the love of my ex-husband’s life?”

Ed studies Mary’s face. Is she laughing at him? No. She’s not. She’s genuinely thrilled to meet Ed.

‘The love of her ex-husband’s life’

Ed puts his head down and lets his hair hide his face. Warmth spreads through his chest. All the doubt and self-loathing that has been beating down on him since Stede suggested this trip is quickly evaporating. He takes a shaky deep breath. And another. He’s trying desperately to hold in everything that’s threatening to burst out.

When did Mary stand up? Ed’s suddenly aware that she’s standing behind the sofa. He feels her hand firmly on his back and hears her say softly, “Oh, sweetie, he LOVES you. Come on out and meet the kids when you’re ready.”

——

Ed doesn’t know when he fell asleep. It takes him a few moments to remember where he is. Mary’s house. He slowly opens his eyes and looks around. It must be late. It’s quiet. He fell asleep to the sound of children playing but all he hears now is low conversation in the other room. He realizes that he’s ravenous, having barely eaten in days. He stretches his knee and starts walking toward the other room.

Ed stops outside the room and listens to Stede telling Mary and Doug about their inn. How does Stede make everything sound like a romantic adventure? If Ed wasn’t starving he could stand here forever.

As Ed walks into the dining room Stede jumps up and ushers Ed to a seat. “You slept through dinner, but I made you a few sandwiches with the leftovers.” Ed gratefully takes a huge bite and a swig of the drink Stede hands him.

Ed tries find words to apologize for being so awkward and missing dinner, but Stede immediately jumps in and continues the story he’s telling about finding dead animals under the floorboards, pulling Ed into the story and smoothing over any unease that Ed’s feeling.

—-

The next morning Ed wakes to an empty bed in a quiet house. He wanders out of the guest room and sees Mary sitting alone at the table. She offers him tea and toast.

“Thanks, Mary.” They both know he’s thanking her for more than breakfast.

They fall into easy conversation. Ed tells Mary how Stede turned Ned Lowe’s whole crew against him. Mary tells Ed how Stede faked his own death with a jungle cat, a carriage, and a piano.

They are laughing so hard they don’t hear Stede, Doug, and the kids come bursting into the house after a morning of treasure hunting.

The kids eagerly show off what they dug up. Ed recognizes the shells and sea glass that Stede had been collecting for the past week. Is that Stede’s handwriting on that map? When did he plan all that?

Ed’s gazing adoringly at Stede when he hears Mary. “Stede! You didn’t tell me Ed is Blackbeard!”

Stede looks at Ed in surprise.

Shit! What was Ed thinking? He was just telling stories and Mary’s pretty easy to talk to actually and it just came out.

Without looking away from Ed, Stede replies, “He’s my Edward. That’s all that matters.”

——

A few days later they’re back on their own beach in front of a driftwood fire.

Ed’s thinking about Stede’s kids and how they are like two halves of Stede. Alma is a fucking lunatic and Louis is a sweet little gentleman. Alma wanted bloodier and scarier stories of piracy and Louis wanted to hear about lighthouse fuckeries and treasure hunting. Ed’s suddenly surprised at how protective he feels toward Stede’s children and how grateful he is that Mary and Doug are raising them.

“If you want … or need to … um … we can visit your kids more,” Ed offers. “Mary and Doug are great. Mary is … really wonderful.”

“She is, isn’t she?” Stede said. A week ago Ed would have spiraled hearing that admiration in Stede’s voice. “I knew you wouldn’t understand until you met her, darling.”

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

I feel like maybe someone needs to say it and I figure it's probably best coming from the guy with the Calico Jack pfp who has been very open about not being the biggest Stede fan (he reminds me of my shitty ex hope this helps), because then this comes off less like unhinged blorbo apologia. I just. I'm gonna walk through a minefield with this meta, but I want to talk about the whole Stede abandoning his kids thing. I understand that many people feel all types of things about this and it's valid I get it, but I think we need a bit of perspective.

So basically, recap from discomfort in a married state, which is where we get 90% of Stede's tragic backstory from. I know a lot of stuff with this show is anachronistic, but Stede's marriage really does not seem like one of those things. I say that because in the modern day in the US, which is the audience that OFMD is geared towards and the culture which all the other historical anachronisms seem to favor, it's an American show, arranged marriage is basically unheard of. But it was relatively common among the aristocracy of 1717. Based on this I think we can assume a few things about Stede's marriage. 1) Divorce is not an option, and 2) You have to have kids to carry on the family name and have somebody to pass your money down to. Sure nobody's forcing you at gunpoint to have kids, but culturally back then the expectation is that you get married in order to have legitimate children. If they didn't have kids Mary would have been socially ostracized and seen as a failure of a woman, there would have been social consequences for Stede as well though less harsh. It's informative that Stede and Mary have the classic heir and a spare, i.e. one child to inherit the fortune and one child just in case something happens to that first kid, it's also informative that the younger child is male, since at the time the fortune would either go to the son or the daughter's husband if there was no son to pass it onto.

This is the context we have to understand Stede in. He's a gay man who was forced to be a husband to a woman and who was forced to be a father. The being Mary's husband and being a father are inextricably linked for Stede, because remember the whole point of getting married was to have an heir and you cannot get divorced it's illegal and pretty much unheard of. Stede is so miserable in this state that he literally fucks off to sea to become an outlaw where he'll probably die tomorrow. He's so fucking desperate that instead of going on a rich people cruise like a normal rich guy trying to get away from the family he's doing fucking crimes that could get him hanged to death if he gets caught and could get him killed while he carries them out. This is Stede's last ditch effort to leave his old life behind before he kills himself. This is a borderline suicide attempt from our boy. He's too chicken to do it for real but he can't live like this anymore and he needs to do something.

So like, yeah. Stede's abandonment was probably traumatic for his kids. He was put in a situation where he didn't have many other options, and most of those options are in fact more traumatic for Alma and Louis than Stede just disappearing one day. Because like, staying miserable like that for another... decade minimum I'm gonna guess based on how old Louis looks and acts, is an incredible fucking ask, and having two miserable parents will probably fuck those kids up in a whole host of ways. I know people who have parents who didn't love each other but stayed together for the kids and those people do have issues. Alma herself says that it's probably best he leave because Mary was happier when he was gone. He could just kill himself like normal, which is also pretty goddamn traumatic for his kids I shouldn't have to explain that one. Or he could fuck off in the middle of the night leaving them with Mary and the nanny that almost certainly exists, this isn't child neglect it's child abandonment, Stede can be sure Alma and Louis will be taken care of if he leaves. Even if Mary falls into the worst tropes about widowdom and becomes unable to care for them herself, they're very rich they have people who will care for them. That will fuck them up to, but not significantly more than him sticking around would and at a certain point you have to take care of yourself. The best options are not having the kids in the first place or getting a no fault divorce and being a weekends and holidays dad, but oops, he was forced into having the kids in the first place and he can't get divorced. There's no good options left, those kids are getting traumatized one way or another. The option that hurts himself the least is hitting the bricks.

So like, yeah, dunk on him for being an absent father. I love dunking on him for being an absent father it's very funny. I'll take any opportunity to dunk on Stede. But treating Stede's abandonment with the same lens you would examine modern child abandonment or acting like it's akin to child abuse (I have seen both takes on this wretched website, I'm far more sympathetic to the first than I am to the second) seems kinda unfair. Just like, idk remember the context of him never having asked to be a father and him not having any good options left. Walking out wasn't the right move because there was no right move. I think Stede probably should have had a conversation with Mary about how the only way for him to be happy was for him to leave and made sure that his leaving wasn't a surprise to his kids, but sometimes I think the way that people take it so damn serious is a little unfair

[decent0distraction]

Our Flag Means Death AU where everything is the same except Nigel is actually crushing on Stede pretty hard and he genuinely cares about him so he joins the crew and AHHHHH-

-Ahem. Sorry. Let’s break it down.

SO, we have Nigel, whose crew spots the Revenge, “EyE!”, but pauses. Because

that can’t be him, can it? Stede Bonnet? Were the rumors really true? This can’t be the same sweet, good person Nigel knew when he was young, can it? A pirate captain? No. Stede Bonnet couldn’t possibly have become something that Nigel is supposed to destroy.

Still, he looks…nice. That color is a good color on him - a nice color. In fact, Nigel woke that morning entirely sure that he despised such a color, but now, he isn’t sure of anything.

So screw the crew, we’re goin’ over there. Why? Don’t ask questions, Bob. Just for that, Bob, you get to stay behind on our stupid, smelly ship in this job that I’m pretty sure was a mistake so yeah, Bob, fuck you-

-Anyway, they go over there. Stede panics like in canon and while the rest of the Navy ship crew are just kind of like “okay??”, Nigel sees right through them.

And yet, he finds it endearing. He needs to get Stede alone, to apologize and address the rumors without raising cause for concern amongst the other officers.

So he requests a tour and a little banter jumps across the table between the two captains.

“A tour,” Stede repeats questioningly. Why would he care about a tour?

“Yes,” Nigel confirms with a smile. “A tour. It is an activity in which two people may do together. It involves walking around the property of which one person owns, with the intent to show the other person what that property entails.”

“Intent, you say,” Stede quirks, a small smile tugging at one corner of his mouth.

Nigel could almost laugh. Did he just see the beginnings of a smirk? “Don’t be cheeky now. Give us a look.”

And Stede, ever the gentleman, agrees.

The entire time by the way, the two crews are looking at each like “what the actual flying fuck are these two talking about??” and “aw, they’re gay.” I’ll leave the matter of which crew is thinking what to the masses.

Also, as Nigel leaves, he stops to barely glance at his crew. “Behave yourselves,” he growls, knowing better. (This, unfortunately, changes nothing, but we’ll get to that later)

In Stede’s room, Nigel is speechless for once in his life.

There’s something so… Stede about this room. The curtains, the books, the hidden compartments. It’s lovely and unique, just like him.

Instead of making fun of Stede, Nigel brings up the matter of rumors with serious concerns.

Did something happen? Was Stede threatened? Or was he just unhappy?

They have a real conversation, which Nigel interrupts to apologize for he treated Stede when they were children. He explains that he was running from something inside himself and he just happened to keep running into Stede. Not that he meant that as an excuse. Of course not. He would never-

-Stede stops him, touching his arm. Nigel feels as though he could be stabbed through the eye and fall into instant death and still feel this warm.

The moment is ruined, however, by shouting. Nigel immediately moves to protect Stede, who sighs and returns to the crew like an exhausted parent.

Nigel is mortified at the behavior of his crew and sends them back to the ship like children.

However, two brave foolish officers try to attack Stede and are immediately knocked out with two swift hits from their captain.

They get the fuck out of there, of course, because Nigel literally just betrayed the British Navy?? Like girl, me too but calm down.

And somewhere between fleeing and accidentally running the ship aground, Nigel asks Stede if he can join the crew and fight at his side.

And Stede laughs. He laughs and Nigel feels cold. He feels as though he might freeze to death. Surely, he deserves it. He’s a fool for thinking someone as wonderful as Stede Bonnet would ever grace someone like himself with sunshine.

“Oh, Nigel,” Stede sighs. “I thought you already had.”

And off they go.

BONUS!!

Nigel being there when Izzy, Fang, and Ivan meet them in the forest. Nigel and Izzy having a little sword fight and Nigel COMPLIMENTING Izzy because his skills match (nay, best, but who’s gonna admit to that) that of British Navy officer’s?? Nigel sulking about it later on and Stede trying to reassure him that he is “very good at swords” which is somehow worse then just nearly getting beaten??

[margaritaville]

tell me about 🧜🏻‍♂️ and 🐈‍⬛ (also tell me why when i went to search for the mermaid emoji i typed in “stede” like apple was going to know wtf i was talking about)

🧜‍♂️ stedeeeee s steede plleeaaaseeee. unm. ueah. so. i love him. i think he’s a character of all time. bravest man alive who also famously runs away from things. so sweet his little dimple. he’s perfect. he’s i love him. what else can i say. i like writing him (almost as much as i like writing ed) because like there’s some serious neuroses there. specifically in my sick fic i was like yeah. the man is insane. like muah muah. beautiful. i love that he is so smart but also like. a dummy in some aspects. (can say the same about ed) and if ed didn’t exist (god forbid) i would be such a good pirate wife for him pleeeease fictional character give me a chance. ummmm. what else can i say that’s like not ridiculous and talking out of my ass. i love that he loves his children (biological and revenge kids) and i love the way his memory isn’t trustworthy like this is a show thing and not a character thing but when he’s thinking about being at that table w mary and kids and he’s like down at the other end in some memories and then close to them in others. that’s fucking delish. what more can i say. i love him. he’s so special. he’s my best friend. and you SHOULD be able to find the stede emoji by typing stede. apple get on that

🐈‍⬛ frenchie oh frenchie. frenchie is in my top 3 of revenge folks i think. i think every single scene he’s in is the funniest thing in the fucking world just like brilliantly executed so fucking funny so great. i love that he sang in ONE episode and whoever screened it was like. we dont want him to sing again. kind of sick and twisted but also like. i love the idea of him just kind of giving up on the endeavor after one day. he’s a musician he’s a singer he’s allergic to peanuts. he’s afraid of cats. he’s EVERYTHING.

[izzy-b-hands]

"He never goes hiking alone again," Stede says. "That's thing one that we'll need to address."

"He didn't 'go hiking'," Izzy scoffs. "He ran out of gas and went walking to get more, and probably wound up going the wrong way."

"That's a kind of hiking, because this is a mountain!"

"That's...it can't work like that!"

Their Lyft driver seems all too glad to drop them off at the base of the trail. Ed's car is parked incredibly shittily (presumably because of the running out of gas, otherwise he'd better have some other excuse), but Ed himself is nowhere to be seen.

"Where does it show his phone?" Stede reaches for Izzy's phone.

"It shows as close as it can to the nearest tower, aka this mountain, the same as it did on the way here," Izzy leans back, phone in his outstretched hand. "And you don't need my phone to know that!"

"Just let me look!"

Why is the tire iron on the ground?"

Stede turns back to Ed's car. "Huh. Odd, right? The tires look fine."

"We should get going and find him. The text that he was out of gas and finding a place to stop was hours ago-"

Stede walks away from him and picks up the iron. "There's blood on this."

--

"How long has it been since you've done this?"

Of course Bonnet doesn't know. They share Ed, sure, and fuck each other, but it doesn't go beyond that, and this is why. He doesn't fucking listen.

"Last weekend," Izzy sighs. "Jim and I tried a new trail. Remember? They sent an email out with pictures to everyone?"

"Because I love a good nature walk, but this seems like it might be more intense," Stede continues. "We'll weather it together though."

"As if there's any other choice."

"What was that?"

"I said," Izzy panics. "Don't raise your voice. Um. Cougars."

"Are there any here?"

"Why would I know?"

"Why wouldn't you?!"

Izzy fights the urge to throw himself or Stede off the mountain. Besides, at such a low height, the fall would barely maim them, let alone kill them.

"Jim and I stick to trails with posted signage, so we know from that what to look out for."

"No research beforehand? That's a dangerous game, Izzy."

Again, he thinks of the brush smashing into his face, if he would simply fall over and start rolling sideways now.

"We don't have to talk," Izzy sighs.

"No, I suppose we don't. Just... it's a nice distraction."

It is. Ed is probably fine, but finding a tire iron with blood on it isn't the most encouraging sign either.

That, and he hasn't texted again. Not even after they both texted him, called, at Stede's insistence tried a video call too.

His phone might just be dead.

"I read a good book for this situation," Stede continues. "Have you ever read Hatchet?"

"...probably?"

"Then you know the secrets to basic survival as well!"

"Oh," Izzy says. "No, I don't think... it's a kid's book, right? Not a bad one, I mean, but-"

"Here in the States they have Boy Scouts, maybe Ed's run into some of them! That would be good luck."

"They don't prowl the woods in packs!"

"But they do camping trips! I loved reading about that as a kid. Yeah, we had our version, but back then the American version was the It Thing-"

Izzy splutters. "They're people's children! They don't just wander the woods ceaselessly!"

A branch snaps.

"We should probably get a move on," Stede mutters. "It'll be dark soon."

--

"Everyone is going to ask why we didn't call the police first," Izzy says. "And I do start to wonder why we didn't."

"Would they go out this soon for an adult? I didn't think the Americans did that."

"The sooner we leave this country, the better," Izzy grumbles. "I know, ultimately the work project has been a good one. But you own everything to do with it now, so you can move us back home, or somewhere that isn't here at least."

"I admit that would be nice," Stede sighs. "Should we stop, eat and rest for a moment?"

"It's getting darker by the minute, can we really afford to lose that time?"

They press onwards.

--

"If there was no sign warning of animals," Bonnet whispers. "Then there probably aren't any here. That logic tracks."

"Does it?"

"Kiss me as a distraction?"

"We don't have time for-"

A huff of breath.

"Don't run," Izzy murmurs. "Just keep walking."

"I'd really rather die making out, if I must die out here-"

"I know, but shhh!"

"Izzy-"

Something crashes behind them, and he grabs Stede's hand.

"Run ahead, and find. Well, if it's a bear actually going higher won't work and-"

Something heavy thunks him in the back.

"What the fuck?"

"Oh!" Ed's voice emerges from the shadow. "It is you guys. Oh my god! This-it'll be funny once I tell you-I thought you two were some, I don't even know, out here to murder me!"

Ed cackles, and holds up his hunting knife. "I nearly smacked this into the back of your neck, thinking I was protecting myself! Holy shit, wow, fuck, actually that. That could have been bad. Oh god-"

"Let's put that back in the sheath," Stede says softly, taking the knife from Ed. "Glad you carry it though, considering how dangerous this area seems. And right by the highway!"

"Where else would...nature doesn't-" Izzy rolls his eyes. "Never mind. But he's right. Good that you have it, though thank you for not outright stabbing me."

"What about the tire iron?" Stede asks. "We found it and I touched it and oh my fingerprints are on it, Ed-"

"There was a snake," Ed interrupts. "So I beat it to death with the tire iron."

"I didn't see any remains of a snake."

Izzy shakes his head. "Nothing. Maybe an animal-"

"Oh no," Ed says. "You know how I am with snakes. He was beaten, to death, and into pieces, and then oblivion."

Izzy blinks. "When did you last eat?"

"Lunchtime."

"We need to get out and get you food."

--

"You know," Stede says as they drive down the dark highway, towards the nearest open diner. "I didn't hate that. I hated the reason we were out there, of course, because I was worried about Ed. But the actual walk..."

"You don't want to do that again."

"Did you really hate it?"

"...no. The quiet bits, both of us not snapping at each other, those were relaxing. I'd just rather not be out there because we're rescuing Ed."

There's a snore in the backseat. Not surprising, because Ed fell asleep even before AAA got to them with more gas. He's probably out even harder now.

Stede smiles. "Well then. I'm free this next weekend."

"Oh-"

"You're free this next weekend-"

"I am-"

Stede shrugs. "If you'd rather not..."

"I didn't say no. Just...not this trail."

"Oh god, no, we'll go to a different one. A better one. With a field to lay in."

"You have a fetish for being covered in ticks?" Izzy asks. "Because out here-"

"Ah, that's right. We'll just have to fuck in the car before and after I guess."

"I guess we will."

[magic-x-edits]

my friend said that I can't make a list of the reasons why season 1 is way better than season 2, so here it is. I'm not saying that season 2 is bad, it just... isn't as good.

1) The flashbacks.

Stede's and Edward's feelings were often explained with flashbacks, showing their childhood or Stede's marriage. But, unlike usual flashbacks, they were not done to show the audience the character's backstory, but to show what the character was thinking at a particular moment. The attention to detail is amazing. A grown and dangerous pirate who hides under his only friend's robe and physically flinches when he hears a knock on the door. The same pirate who builds a house out of pillows and hides there after getting his heart broken. All their story was about healing your inner child.

2) Found family.

The way the Revenge crew helped and protected each other was incredible. Stede read them bedtime stories, they slept on the deck all together, like in kindergarten. Even when they said bad things about each other, they loved each other sincerely.

3) Breaking stereotypes

A womanizer (poor choice of words) who turns out to be the most loyal and heantly partner? An ex wife who is finally not shown as a villain? Queer characters whose issues are not related to their sexuality or gender? Partners who are also best friends? Yes please.

4) Tolerance.

Every attempt at homophobia, transphobia, or racism on this show is ended in a moment. When the English officer called Frenchie a slave, Jim instantly threw a dagger into his hand. We immediately assume that none of them are cishet and we turn out to be right. None of them need to explain identity. You're not a man and not a woman? Are you sure you're not a mermaid? No? Then let's eat cake, Jim.

5) Interesting characters.

I won't even talk about how perfectly written Stede and Edward are (although I will talk about that later). What about Jim, Lucius, Izzy, Jackie (can you believe she has less than ten minutes of screen time?), Frenchie, Oluwande, Mary, Fang? I wanted to know more about everyone.

6) Characters' actions always make sense.

Each character has such a well written personality that their every action makes sense, even if it annoys us. We were all angry when Jim went for revenge and didn't return to the ship with Oluwande, when Stede returned to Mary leaving Ed on the pier, when Ed threw Lucius overboard and left the crew on an island to die, when Mary tried to kill Stede. But each of these actions fits perfectly with the characters’ personalities and you can't deny that.

7) The right kind of the unspoken.

Throughout the second season, I had the feeling that the writers thought considered us stupid and had to say everything explicitly. There was a lot that wasn't said directly in the first season. They didn't say Izzy loves Blackbeard, but it's obvious. They didn't explain why Edward tried to kill Lucius of all the people, but everyone understood it. They didn't explain why he chose to leave precisely those people on the island. They never spoke again of to the line about Jim's favorite color being tial and how they literally confessed their love when they said it.

8) Metaphors.

The great and dangerous kraken is a little boy, who is hurt by the people he loved? Stede is a lighthouse? The wooden boy? Mary's painting that Stede didn't appreciate a sign of his love for Edward? Stede's children kill him in his nightmare? Ed's red silk? Come on, this was perfect!

The only good metaphor in season two is Edward's leather.

[lacefuneral]

i don't want a season 3, but if we get it, these are the things i'd want:

blackbonnet slow dance

stede is allowed to dress feminine again

lucius is also allowed to dress feminine again. maybe he even keeps the beard while doing so

ed and stede actually have a real conversation where stede talks about his trauma because ed knows precisely none of it. not his upbringing, not the details of his marriage, and certainly not the chauncy thing.

sexual intimacy is also properly addressed wherein stede apologizes for rushing ed and ed admits that while it /was/ too fast, he doesn't regret the night he spent with stede and he felt loved and safe in his arms. they agree to genuinely go slower now, as they have all the time in the world. about mid-season we get an incredibly gentle and tender sex scene.

blackbonnet marriage proposal. preferably a double-proposal OR ed proposing to stede (with stede having to Think About it for a bit because his first marriage was a disaster)

blackbonnet wedding where both of them are in colorful, feminine attire. i really want to see both of them in gowns but i don't think wardrobe would be that generous. i'd accept ed in a gown and stede in a suit like the wedding cake toppers

return of the red silk. even if it's a New Red Silk that stede gets for ed as a gift

izzy hands stays fucking dead. better yet, something happens to his grave and no one cares. maybe he's buried too close to the shoreline and the waves carry him away during a storm.

human buttons appears at the inn, and admits that he's been wandering for some time. we, the audience, learn through flashbacks that buttons never actually turned into a seagull. he simply saw something shiny in the woods and ran towards it. and by the time he catches up to it, the revenge has already left. in-universe magic no longer real.

jim and oluwande actually have a real conversation this time where oluwande mentions offhand that he misses being jim's boyfriend. and jim realizes that oluwande thought he'd been dumped. jim asks oluwande if he's okay with being metamours with archie, and he says that she seems nice and he's willing to give it a try. oluwande brings this up to zheng, who is not happy about it. the two of them break up.

zheng finds prince ricky and completely and utterly obliterates him. she blows up HIS fleet, and goes even farther by blowing up his house and the homes of his allies.

the inn DOES work out. fuck you. the conflict of the season comes from external forces trying to pull ed and stede out of their blissful retirement from piracy.

the two of them mostly live off of canned goods and hardtack bc neither of them can cook for shit. they later meet someone in town who is a talented cook and hire them to work at the inn.

by the way we see more of their hobbies. stede gets into gardening (based on his love of flowers) and ed gets a lyre (based on the contents of his desk in season 1.) stede occasionally reads stories to children (and adults, too) at the town library. ed "goes fishing" by sitting in a boat and not actually caring if he catches anything

ed boobies? please? for me? for jay? at least a little cropped top?