#i think some native people around here have the same beliefs

[neuromantis]

i always thought this. to truly kill a monster, to gain it's strength, you should eat as much of it as possible.

i wish i still had any parts of her. the only thing i have is a short lock of hair. and hair... is not good for that type of thing. blood is easy. meat is preferable and most efficient. what good swallowing some hair could do besides give me a stone in my guts.

[matan4il]

Just wanted to send some love your way 🩵 Im a left-ish diaspora Jew who had, up until really recently, taken the stance that the conflict between Israel and Palestine was too complex for me to fully understand. I appreciate blogs like yours because they have genuinely helped me understand and see through the narratives that both sides are equally at fault, or that Israel is some colonialist war machine bent on gobbling up all available territory at the expense of everyone else’s lives.

It’s kind of frightening for me to have a stance at all, when the people around me were all silent on October 7th but have no issue hanging Palestinian flags outside their homes and filling their social media with slogans that they claim are simply “anti Zionist” but are absolutely anti-Semitic.

I don’t know how to explain to them that YES my heart bleeds for every average human in Gaza who genuinely does want to just exist, but that doesn’t meant that I think the onus for peace lays exclusively on Israel’s shoulders, and I don’t support disbanding Israel as a country. I worry a lot about being too one-sided or simplifying things too much; I still feel very much like I’m sitting in a middle position, due to those concerns. And it’s scary that it still wouldn’t be enough for people — FRIENDS, even — around me.

Sorry for the ramble. Thank you for your informative posts. Speaking as someone who finds a lot of joy in fandom stuff, I really hope the tides turn so that kind of thing can occupy more space in your mind than worrying does 🩵

Awww, Nonnie! I am hugging you SO MUCH!

My heart aches, because you're absolutely right. It doesn't matter how much we'll denounce racism, they will still call us racist. It doesn't matter how often we state that we want life and dignity for both Jews AND Palestinians, they'll still accuse us of supporting genocide. It doesn't matter if we'll criticize the government, they'll still claim we're brainwashed to silence our voices.

So if it's not about our actual beliefs and positions, what's it about?

It's about the fact that we're Jews. And we're told that we can only be "good" Jews if we throw our fellow Jewish people under the bus, even though for every other minority, solidarity is encouraged and celebrated. We're only "good" Jews if we give up our native rights by adhering to a narrative that paints us as colonizers of our own ancestral land, even as native rights are upheld as vital for every other indigenous group. We're only "good" Jews by doubting the multiple testimonies of rape and baby beheadings, even though every victim is supposed to be heard and believed. We're only "good" Jews if we agree to give up the right to self defense, which means we give up the right to live safely, to live peacefully... really, if we give up the right to live, period. All while telling us this is due to the value of all human life. They're literally gaslighting us with "All Lives Matter," and it's the same crowd who could recognize the issue with that slogan, when it was used to silence black people demanding that very same right.

We do not have to go along with this modern "witch test," where they try us by dunking us into water, and the only way to be "innocent" is to die drowning, so if we didn't, then we're witches, and we die still, because they burn us at the stake. I refuse to collaborate with the erasure of Jewish identity, history and rights, which leaves all Jews stripped of protection, vulnerable to abuse, and I will keep speaking, even if they call me every dirty name they can think of for recognizing the Jewish right to live, and to live in our historic homeland, especially as we have always been willing to live here side by side with others. Whatever they say about me, at least I won't be a tokenized Jew, that they can use to bully other Jews into silence.

We absolutely can be pro-Israeli AND pro-Palestinian, rather than turning anti-Israeli to "prove" we're good, pro-Palestinian Jews.

I'm sorry, IDK if I'm actually helping here! Just know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Actually, the fantastic Mayim Bialik also talked about this recently, so I'll give you her eloquent words:

(this is just a part of the vid, you can find the whole thing here)

Thank YOU for the kind words! And may we all get back to just being able to enjoy fandom as the fun, escapist hobby it should be. Sending you lots of hugs and love! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[gumasantan]

i'm reviewing for my exams tomorrow...but i've been thinking a lot about 1000xRESIST lately.

it's a game, not a film or a show or a book. 1000xRESIST is a game about...many things: surviving an alien invasion, living underground, clones of human beings, stubborn parents, angst of a teenage girl, generational trauma, and a lot of things. i don't exaggerate when i say the title describes just how much themes the game dives into. since i finished the game a week ago, a feeling of longing has grown and grown inside me that can only probably be helped by replaying the game, but i can't anymore. i want to restart my memory just so i can play it again without any prior knowledge. we all feel like that sometimes, right? when we deeply resonate with a piece of media we now consider a transcendent level of art form we just wanna keep replaying it and have our minds reset, so that we may able to uniquely experience them again and again, forever, even.

i attached a pretty landscape of hong kong to not only help reel you and others in reading this, but also to remind myself how this game made me long for a memory i never had. it connected with me so much that everytime i try to recall parts of the game, it's difficult for me to dissociate myself from them, and so, i end up with a mess of thoughts, unable to properly communicate what i'm trying to say; the memories of watcher, iris, (two of the game's main characters) and i seemingly fused together into one. heck, it is not explicitly a "self-insert" type of game where the devs intend you to project yourself into it so that the story makes sense.

so, why do i reminisce about hong kong when i haven't even visited the place? for context, the troubles during the 2019 hong kong protests are ultimately what sets off the events in the game, even though the game takes place around 3047 onwards. it is one of the few games where i actually see and feel the emotional impact that such a historic moment had on the lived experiences of fictional video game characters. fictional, in name only, but they are very much real in our world: expatriates who had to flee persecution as a result of resistance. one could say that this game is dedicated to these courageous people. not only to them, but to their children who are yet to exist.

i mention this because iris was born from these people. walked on earth away from hong kong, and as she grew up, came to realize how homesick she was about that place she was a stranger to. iris and i—we are as different as we can be. i was born and am living in my native country, doing my best to live since birth. i shouldn't ever feel homesick, but weirdly, touching this game and seeing iris' life through watcher's eyes, i can't help but go back and revisit the life i swear i lived in hong kong.

i'm not the only one who feels like this, however. watcher feels the same way. of course, watcher was cloned from a clone that was cloned from iris. it's only natural that watcher retains some of that "irisness" two generations down. though she is aware that she is reliving an amalgamation of hers and iris' memories, i relate to her struggle to separate her own consciousness from iris'. this is my belief: when you keep confusing someone's memories with your own, that just proves that you two are more alike than you would think.

i said before that iris and i were as different as we can be, but by my own words, that shouldn't be true. am i hypocritical? delusional? i'm contradicting myself, but not intentionally. i would 100% disagree with myself here had i not played this game and this predicament came up in another situation, but after playing the game, i don't know. the more i think about it, the more i get convinced that iris, though raised in very different circumstances, ended up sharing some of the same traits as i do. i would argue that there are just human characteristics that we all just happen to share, kindness for example, but no, these ones—they're too personal for and very understood by me to say "no, we're different."

at the end, the game rewards you for sticking to the end: a future of your own choosing. this may be a part of the game where some people would get stuck in for more than an hour, or as short as a minute, depending how much the player sticks to their own convictions. for me, i don't know how to build a future i want because i don't know what i want out of it; i don't know what's right. the game slapped me in my face with my own hypocrisies and dared me to stick with these foolish principles. eventually, i did reach the epilogue, but it didn't feel like i actually crossed the bridge.

i'm still trying to understand just as much as i'm trying to examine every minute detail in the game. the game's mechanics are mainly built around memories and the more i keep playing the game and watch multiple playthroughs of it, i realize just how important each memory is to conveying a message that's ultimately different for all of us. a thousand different lessons for anyone to learn; it is THAT complex.

if you stuck around this long, thank you. please, please, PLEASE play 1000xRESIST. there's something here for us to learn, a thing or more. these things about hong kong and memories are part of a bigger whole that i will want to talk about once i know how to express it. especially to my fellow asians, this game will speak to your heart. i've never felt a surge of emotions this strong since i finished signalis, another masterpiece which i may get around to talking about later! (play that too!)

[stagkingswife]

hi! do you have any tips on getting to know local fae and any anecdotes? also any warnings if you have them. ty!

Getting to know you tips:

Most of the folklore I draw from in my work with the Folk  is specifically Irish, and it seems like the Celtic types of Folk are the ones you see most commonly spoken about online (I believe they were spread via human immigration - i.e. the American Gods theory). Many cultures have folklore of spirits that people often lump into “ the fae,” but I think this over is a mistake.  A Russian Domovoi and an English Brownie might seem like the same thing because they’re both house spirits, but they operate on very different rule sets and have different roles within their cultures.  So I find it important to get to know the Folk around you on their own terms.  Are they native to the area, or are they essentially immigrants?  My own work is so Irish flavored because I believe the Folk I work with came here from Ireland.  

We’ve talked about human culture, now let’s talk about Otherworldly culture.  A lot of working with the Folk for me has been like learning a new culture.  You’ve probably seen a lot of “Rules for Working With the Fae” around, and while those are great general guidelines they aren’t always necessarily applicable in their entirety to every group of the Folk or every individual spirit.  Every time I encounter a new group of the Folk it’s like moving to a new city, there’s a unique culture to learn and internalize.  Each Court, Clan, Troop, Mob, etc is going to be unique, and solitary types even more so. At first I recommend listening more than you speak, ere on the side of too formal rather than too casual, and try to get just one or two close allies who will help you learn and practice, and hopefully kindly point out your mistakes before you make them with someone less forgiving. 

Some words of caution: 

Don’t be afraid of the Fair Folk if you want to have a successful relationship with them. There’s a lot of fear mongering that happens about this particular type of spirit, and yes there are particular dangers to seeking them out, but that can be said of any type of spirit in my opinion.  And in this particular case fear will not serve you well. Be cautious, yes, but not timid or afraid.  The Fair Folk I’ve been close to reward clever cautiousness and only mock fear.  

You’ll notice that I called them the “Fair Folk” try not to use the f-word you used, and never the f-word that rhymes with airy.  Now this is informed by my particular experiences and specific cultural beliefs that calling them those terms is…. Let’s say less than flattering to them.  It's also a cultural belief that these words attract their attention when one may not necessarily want it, so there are all sorts of traditional epithets and euphemisms.  But not all of those terms apply to all of the Folk, for instance the courtly types might like the classic “Lords and Ladies” term, but the Clan I have ties to hates being called this term and would take it as being mocked if someone used it with them, they prefer simpler options like “The Gentle Folk” or “The Folk Under the Hill.”  So the warning/tip here is to figure out what the Folk you’re getting to know prefer to be called and stick to that. (Of course this only applies if you’re operating within a paradigm that has similar cultural taboos, but these cultural taboos aren’t uncommon, so it’s worth checking if you don’t already know)

Story time:

I think I've mentioned before that two Folk from the Clan that I'm allied with now were the first spirit encounter that I can remember from my childhood. Their reaction was very much "You can see us!?!?" They clearly weren't used to being noticed by humans. They starting bring others to see me see them. Eventually they brought the leader of their Clan, who became my trusted ally who helped me learn the culture and practice the rules. He was ancient, even by the standard of the Folk (so old he looked look) but he had a soft spot for children, so he was more forgiving and patient of my learning curve than anyone else in the Clan likely would have been. I was working with him at the same time I was studying with mentor, so I would learn spirit work and Otherworldly travel techniques with her, and then practice them on/with him. He treated me like a beloved pet with an amazing repertoire of tricks, and the rest of the Clan treated me like a team mascot. I've grown in skill and power, and for the most part the members of the Clan treat me as an equal now, but there are still a few old timers who still act like I'm their mascot. But I don't begrudge them, change is hard for them.

[lady0ctavia]

As We Ponder Belief

(2p!Prussia x Reader) - Chapter 16

Note: This story is based vaguely during the mid 1200s in Eastern Europe where the Teutonic Knights fought the Northern Crusades to try and convert the native pagan population to Christianity. As a result, this story will have heavy religious themes all throughout. It should also be noted that, while referencing real-life events and locations, I am not striving for full historical accuracy. This is for the sake of the story I am telling.

Once again, this series will have heavy religious themes throughout, including discussions of bible stories, doctrine, and scripture verses, as well as critical analysis of Christian doctrine and beliefs. So, if you don't like that, you will want to skip out on this.

The next couple of weeks passed by in a blur. Each day was the same. Get up. Get dressed. Have breakfast. Get to work. Bedtime. All of which passed by in an uncomfortable silence between (y/n) and Gillen. Well, not completely silent. They would, of course, chat during her lessons, as well as share a bit of idle chatter on the side. But it was so unusually quiet, and it began eating away at the fringes of (y/n)'s mind. All she could think about was that moment when he quickly pulled his hand away and shut down. It seemed to be completely out of nowhere, but she had a feeling she knew why.

I suppose it was because we were alone together, and that isn't proper. But if that were the case, couldn't he just tell me? What else is going on with him? He's usually so forward.

His eyes returned to an icy gaze, and the atmosphere around him felt cold once more. It was concerning, but she had no idea what she could do or say aside from offering herself as a listening ear, which he already rejected. She wanted to help him, just as he helped her. But if someone won't tell you what's going on, then how can you hope to help them in the first place?

And it wasn't just concerning, but frustrating, and even isolating. Yes, (y/n) had managed to make friends with both Gilbert and Albrecht, the latter of which was now well enough to sleep in the barracks with the other men. But even so, the three of them were some of the only people she managed to bond with at Malbork Fortress. And even Gilbert began to seem a little more distant as well.

At the moment, (y/n) found herself wandering around the halls in the early morning, just before dawn. The sky above was a deep, hazy blue, with clouds dotting the horizon line just past the mountains. As she walked outside and through the courtyard, she looked through the formal entrance of the fortress. Through the gateway, whose gate was currently raised, she saw a collection of many knights on horseback. I didn't know the knights were going out today. She thought to herself. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that one of the knights happened to be Gillen.

Confused, she made her way out the gate and towards the group.

"Gillen!" She called out his name. Upon hearing her voice he tensed and turned his head back, meeting her eyes for only a split second before turning away again, his face bright pink. He sat still upon his horse. She stopped just a few feet away from the group, now aware of all the eyes on her. Some of the knights even began giving one another weird looks, glancing between their resident doctor and the nurse. At the front of the group was Captain Nikolaus who stood next to his steed. Turning to see her, he gave his signature warm smile and walked over to greet her.

"Good morning, Miss (l/n). I never thought I would see you up this early," He smiled and stopped just a few feet before her. It was then that (y/n) realized that he was fully armored, as well as the rest of the knights, Gillen included.

"And I you," She responded lightly. "May I ask what's going on? I was never told that all of the knights were going out today."

"Not all of us, I assure you. Gilbert and Albrecht will still be here, along with just a few others to make sure the fortress is maintained," He paused before continuing. "But as for the rest of us, we'll be traveling around the area and checking in on towns and villages that may either need protection or just a warning about pagan activity in the area."

"I understand, but why is Gillen going with you? As a doctor, would it not be best for him to stay here and treat any knights that may return injured?" She asked.

"A good question, to be sure. But fret not young lady, I believe we should be fine. And even if we are not, surely you are confident enough in your ability to treat the wounded? Young Albrecht spoke highly of you and your care once he was well enough to join us in the dining hall," Nikolaus spoke with much flattery during that last part, causing (y/n) to blush, getting a little uncomfortable. "Besides," He continued. "Gillen needs to get out of the fortress more." The last comment prompted chuckles from among the other knights.

"And why is that?" (y/n) asked.

"Well, seeing as he's been spending so much time here, and with you, I fear he's losing his way. Doesn't seem to know how to navigate the area as well as he used to. I'm just afraid he may get a little lost is all," As he spoke, some of the knights gave each other knowing looks, smirking. Meanwhile, Gillen stayed rock solid in his position on his horse, not moving a muscle. "He just needs a refresher. A nice, long trip around the area will help to jog his memory. Should take a few days."

(y/n) blushed, the double meaning of the captain's words not lost on her. "O-Oh." She barely knew how to respond. She always got a sense of passive-aggression from the captain, but this was the most forward he had ever come across. It almost felt venomous.

As she stood there, Captain Nikolaus looked up and waved to someone over her shoulder. She turned around to see Gilbert standing at the gate.

"Sir Gilbert! Would you mind escorting Miss (l/n) back inside?" He requested. Somehow, his voice was beginning to irk (y/n) to no end. She looked ahead to Gillen, but he still never turned to face her. Her stomach began to twist into knots.

Gilbert said nothing, but came forward and tapped (y/n) on the shoulder. When she turned to look at him, he offered her his arm. She stole another glance in Gillen's direction before taking Gilbert's arm and slowly walking back to the fortress. Once in through the gate, she heard the creaking sound of metal. She turned her head to see the metal gate being lowered and the knights heading out on their mission, all while the figure of Gillen began to fade away into the treeline.

Once in the hallway, (y/n) ripped her arm away from Gilbert.

"How could you not tell me about an upcoming mission?" She hissed angrily.

"Because I was afraid you'd respond like this. Particularly if Gillen was going," Gilbert explained. He observed the redness in her face at the mention of his brother's name. Sighing, he kept walking down the hall. "Please follow me, (y/n)." He gestured with his hand for her to move along. Frustrated, but admittedly curious, she followed, but not without asking questions.

"Gilbert, I'm not trained enough to treat multiple wounded knights at once. Why do they insist on taking Gillen with them? Surely it's not just them worrying about his navigation skills. And what about you? Why aren't you going out with them?" She rambled on, but Gilbert made no hint of hearing her out.

He led her to the chapel. (y/n) almost gasped upon entering. She couldn't believe she had gone this long without entering. After internally cursing herself for apparently missing sacrament so many times, she marveled at the interior. Red brick walls stretched high to the arched ceiling, wooden beams embracing the plaster. Chandeliers with unlit candles dotted the room, and at the end was an altar. Going up and down the room were rows upon rows of pews, enough to seat an entire village.

(The chapel looks roughly like this).

As they walked along, Gilbert led her to one of the pews near the front. Once there he took a seat and gestured for her to sit beside him. She did so. After sitting for only a moment or two, she spoke up.

"I'm sorry about my rambling earlier, as well as my outburst. I'm just... Very confused." She admitted. "As someone who officially works here, I figured I would be in the know about these events, as usual."

"I can understand the frustration. And I'm sure you won't be happy to know that I've known about this upcoming trip for the past two weeks."

(y/n) whipped her head around, shocked. "Wait, you knew? And you never told me or Gillen?"

"Well I told Gillen, of course," He explained. "I just never told you. And I made sure Gillen didn't tell you anything, either."

"I... But, why?" Her confusion was growing by the minute.

"Because I needed time to talk to you," He then turned to face her directly. "(y/n), I spoke with both Captain Nikolaus, as well as my brother, and we agree it's time that you left Malbork Fortress."

It was as if the world stopped turning for those few, brief moments. Her heart sank lower than it ever had. "What?" Her voice was barely above that of a whisper. "But, the captain said I could stay."

"For the time being, yes. But things have changed since then."

"Like what?"

"Like my brother, for instance. (y/n), you of all people should know the effect you've been having on him. Listen, It's not that I dislike having you here as a friend. I consider you to be one of the best friends I've had in a long time. But even I cannot deny the fact that my brother has been developing feelings for you. And as a Teutonic Knight, it's not only on me to uphold my vows, but to hold my brothers in the order accountable."

(y/n) felt as though her brain was about to burst. The information swarming in her head began to drive her to the point of near headache, but the most overpowering piece of information was that of Gillen. Gillen as feelings for me? Somehow, the thought made her heart leap with joy. And on the other hand, it filled her with an immense sense of dread.

"Are you trying to say that I'm going to cause your brother to forsake his vows?"

"No! What I mean to say is my brother and I came here five years ago. We made our vows with the Lord. We came to the Teutonic Order with the plan to make it a full service, meaning we'd stay with them even until death. And if he were to want to be with you, then he'd end up betraying the order we swore ourselves to." He folded his arms over his chest.

"Gilbert, are telling me that if he were to betray the order, he'd be put to death?"

He shrugged. "Honestly? I can't say. And I don't care to find out. Though my gut tells me no. But if he isn't punished with death, I have no doubt he'd be punished by being sent to Hell. And to be fair... There's a more selfish reason at play."

"I'm sorry?" (y/n) tilted her head to the side, her curiosity piqued. Her head was already spinning. But she just had to know more.

Gilbert took a deep breath as if bracing himself. "Gillen told you about our family situation, yes? About how we cannot see our father and younger brother?" There was a weariness in Gilbert's voice, showing that this wasn't a pleasant subject for him to dwell on.

(y/n) nodded. He carried on.

"Since then, it has just been Gillen and I. Sure, we have the rest of our brothers here in the order, and we love them all the same. But, when it comes to blood family, my actual kin... Gillen is all I feel I have left. And if Gillen were to leave the order, not just to be with you, but in general, then I feel as though I would be losing some of the last family I have left." Gilbert's voice started to sound desperate. "And I don't know if I can bear losing that."

While her mind was spinning with the possibility of Gillen possibly having feelings for her, as well as the annoyance towards being told she may cause Gillen to betray his vows... She also felt a sense of guilt. Of heartbreak, even. She understood all too well the immense pain of losing one's own family. And she couldn't bear to see someone she cared for going through the same.

"(y/n), let me ask you something. Do you love my brother?"

She felt her face drain of all color, while simultaneously growing hot. "I-I mean... I s-s-suppose I feel..." She stuttered and stumbled all over her words. It was hard enough trying to sort through those emotions in her head, it was even harder to try and verbalize them out loud.

Taking this as a confirmation, Gilbert continued. "If you truly love my brother, you will leave Malbork Fortress. Captain Nikolaus and I have already found a village in the Northeast that is willing to take you in. We leave first thing tomorrow morning."

(y/n) lowered her head, both to nod, but also in a form of defeat. There was no way she could argue back on this. She wasn't truly a member of the Teutonic Order, not really. And unlike Gilbert, she had no other members of her blood family to try and lean on.

"Thank you, (y/n)." There was sadness in his voice as if he didn't want to do this either. As if even he could sense the true weight of the emotions at play. As he got up to leave, (y/n) couldn't help the hot tears beginning to stream down her face.

If only I knew I wasn't going to see him ever again... What would I say to him? Gillen? Oh, Gillen.

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

Let me know what you thought about this chapter! This may be one of my longest yet. Hope your emotions aren't hurting too much, there's still plenty more pain to go lol!

No, seriously, we aren't even halfway through the story yet...

[a-god-in-ruins-rises]

As far as I'm aware, America has an oddly high rate of producing weird religious groups compared to other countries. Do you agree, and, if so, do you have any thoughts on why and what that implies?

i absolutely agree. i sometimes joke about my own cult-creation as just being the most recent iteration of the storied american tradition of cult-creation.

as for why, i think that is a beautiful complex question and i could probably write a book about it. but there are a few key aspects that immediately come to mind.

first, america is founded upon the ideal of religious freedom. it's kind of central to the american identity. and we might take this for granted but this was a very unique concept at the time of the founding. for most of the rest of the world, especially in europe, the idea of a state-enforced religious dogma was the norm. so from the beginning america is established as an open religious experiment. religious pluralism is baked into our constitution.

america is also a mix of a variety of cultures with unique religious perspectives. so it's only natural that there would be idiosyncratic religious developments as different ideas can mix more freely. not to mention that at this same moment the world was opening up and becoming globalized. so even if there wasn't a significant /presence/ of a particular culture here we still had ample access (at least more than at any other point in history) with the rest of the world. so even if there wasn't a huge presence of hindus or buddhists in america, for example, there were plenty of writings from adventurers and explorers and anthropologists who had written books about them which americans would have access to.

plus americans are fiercely individualistic. america is the land where people come and carve out their own destiny. that includes creating their own values and beliefs, unimpeded by dogmas of the old world. america is a new world for new ideas. americans are revolutionary and innovative in general, so why shouldn't that include religion and spirituality? america simply attracts a certain type of man; the bold, the outlandish, the visionaries, the ambitious, the dreamers, etc.

that combined with the frontier spirit and the simple vastness of the land. all of the above makes for a potent mix. i mean, imagine a small group of people from a diverse mix of backgrounds, some of them charismatic visionaries, and they settle in some uncharted territory, and create their own little cult with their own idiosyncratic beliefs and ideas, isolated from broader society....it's only natural. and i would actually argue this is probably how a lot of ancient pantheons were invented. i imagine a small band of yamnaya warriors venturing into europe and the patriarch of the group makes his own personal religion the religion of the group and no one is around to dispute him. and so for generations his own peculiar ideas and beliefs spread, similar to but distinct from his distant kinsmen's, maybe with his own syncretisms with the natives' religions.

and indeed, i think there is a kind of magical element to the land itself. america was an untamed, virgin land. and when it was settled and tamed by europeans it became a vibrant, wild garden where strange new flowers could grow and be cultivated. the old gods colliding with new gods. i definitely think there is a unique spiritual interplay between the land itself and the people.

but overall i think this drive toward this individualistic cult-making and religious pluralism is an example of the pagan undercurrent of america's religious development that i talk about sometimes.

i'll just leave this quote here

it just feels like this defines america's historical attitude toward religion and spirituality. america, being a fairly individualistic and decentralized culture, does not have one single norm (monotheism). no we have a plurality of norms. maybe not polytheism in the traditional sense but in some sense. america is a land of many gods. even just within the frame of "christianity" there are many different christian gods living in america. but even non-christian gods live here too. and for one man to impose his own god on another is considered one of the gravest sins to an american (it's literally our first commandme- i mean, amendment). america is not spiritually stagnant. it is very active and dynamic, free spirited and many-spirited.

[hauntingofhouses]

i love being southeast asian.

despite whatever unhappy history, despite the rise of ethnonationalism and racism in our countries; despite the fact that most of us remain in the global south under the invisible thumb of western empires and conglomerates, exploited by rich expats and beg-packers; despite the conservatism, the bigotry, the pain and prejudice and the corruption.

despite all that, i love where i am from. this is my home.

my hands tenderly trace the lines of our history and find within it a colourful collection of influences that continue to shape us until today:

the native malays, javanese, sundanese, minangkabau, bugis, visayan, tagalog, and other dominant peoples.

alongside indigenous tribes like the iban, kadazan, sama-bajau, temuan, penan, jakun, and hundreds upon hundreds more ethnic groups.

all of us holding onto our ancestors' mysticism and spirituality and animism, the watchful gaze of legacy fixed on us as we move through an ever-changing and modernising world (and what is modernity anyway? isn't civilisation overrated?).

and then the chinese peoples. the hainanese, hokkien and cantonese and more, many of whom came here due to trade in the pre-colonial era, but then most arrived as the imported labour for the colonial powers.

but this is their home too. we live here together, and through them we all celebrate lunar new year and the mid-autumn festival. all of us give red envelopes during our many festivals. we give oranges that symbolise prosperity and ring in the year of the rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, goat. we hold lion dance performances in our malls and marks. we eat and exchange mooncakes.

and then the indian peoples, though mostly tamil indians from south india, but also sikhs, malayalis, and punjabis, who arrived and assimilated and spread their culture and beliefs much earlier before the pre-colonial era, causing the indianisation of southeast asia. then more indian peoples came during the colonial era, again, as imported labour, working our fields or donning the uniform of our common oppressors, kept walled away from us despite how alike we look and sound.

because truly we do sound the same. sanskrit remains an abundant source for a large chunk of our languages. i hear the vedic mantras and can pick apart words that sound familiar. hinduism and buddhism still leaves its traces in our cultures even for those of us who've shifted to islam.

and yes, islam. we're not what the west thinks of when they talk about the muslim world, but southeast asia has some of the largest muslim populations in the world. because through trade, since the medieval times, islam came here and with it brought so many arabic influences that has come to shape our languages and customs, with plenty of our cultures having since been morphed around islamic beliefs and ideas. in malaysia and indonesia and brunei (and perhaps even certain parts of the philippines) you'll find a mosque or a prayer room everywhere you go. and every ramadan millions of us fast, every eid all of us dress up and visit each other's houses for feasts and festivities.

then of course came european colonisation at the hands of the portugese, dutch, british (in malaysia and indonesia's case we got all three), spanish, and french their reigns lasting over 400 years. and from them we came european culture and more new languages, english quickly becoming a second language (or even a first language) for so many of us, missionaries building churches and spreading the word of jesus christ as the son of god; with their fair features they draw a line between us and them, between the civilised and the barbarians, between the light-haired light-eyed and the unruly dark-haired dark-eyed.

and then comes world war 2 and the japanese invasion, and for most it was so brutal and violent, and for the rest it was miserable, with famine and inflation but we were forced to sing songs in japanese anyway, to watch their planes fly in the sky towards their enemies, to swallow their ideas in our parched throats.

and then the war ended and wounds began to heal, and then came the 1980s until now with all its shiny technology: nintendo, panasonic, television and anime, and now we have leagues of people learning japanese language and culture anyway, except now it is done wholeheartedly, and as it turns out japanese isn't even that different from our own cultures anyway. houses on stilts made of wood with thatch roofs, making our living from the sea and coast, eating rice for every meal, our phonetics and theirs so alike.

and today we have waves of their expats migrating here because of course they do, we're the Global South™ and for them it's cheap and affordable, so we have little japans sprouting here and there and sometimes i go to a random street and find signs written in japanese and read bits of broken hiragana.

and it's beautiful, being able to move through this world and find the handprints we've all left upon it. it's a wonderful amalgam of so many traditions and colours and beliefs and language all mixing around in this huge bubbling melting pot.

and i'm not chinese or indian or arab or british but when i see them on tv, i'm also seeing a part of me, i hear the words in their tongue and i recognise them as mine, i eat their food and know them as intimately as my own.

but of course our politicians, our kings and our prime ministers (and the divide-and-conquer rule of colonisers now gone) continue to divide us and make us hate each other, fanning flames of distrust and fear of that-which-is-different.

it's such a shame too, because it's so special. it's what makes us us, our dozens of creoles, the way we can speak a sentence comprising vernacular from at least four languages and we all understand each other anyway.

we have a word in malay, "rojak", which is also the name of a dish that mixes a bunch of different ingredients, and is found in malaysian, indonesian and singaporean cuisine. but where i'm from, we also say "rojak" to mean anything that's an eclectic mixture of things, things that seemingly don't go together and aren't necessarily pleasing to the eye but still, somehow, it works, in fact it tastes good, spicy and flavourful and hearty.

and that's us: southeast asia, all of it, a beautiful rojak culture. and it's ours.

[irys955]

Fic idea for Banmara I have shared on my fb, I thought I’ll also share it here hehe. Sorry for the mistakes I make as English is not my native.

In a simple mission that went wrong, Maraich lost his life. Stricken with grief, Bancoran forsake his realistic belief and begged Patalliro to help him creating a time machine to go back in time to save Maraich. Unfortunately, the time machine went wrong and destroyed their current timeline, Bancoran went back 5 years earlier without the memory of the death of Maraich or the incident. Their timeline restarted here.

At first he thought it was Patalliro’s trick but at that time Patalliro was only 5 years old without any knowledge, memories about Ban or the time machine. Bancoran finally came to term with his situation. Then he realized he could change some people’s futures, such as Bjorn, Demien and ect. But the most important person was his Maraich.

Bancoran could not save Maraich’s parents in time but he was able to get the young Maraich under his wings before Maraich could be tainted by the upperclass man or led to the assassination path by Larken.

At first Bancoran wanted to let Maraich live a happy and normal life, but Maraich begged him to let him join MI6, so that he could become useful for Bancoran. After much begging, crying and not eating, Bancoran finally carved in and let Maraich joined the training school he used to go to. In this school, the young Maraich shined in both combat and deduction fields. And Bancoran? He continued his life as MI6 agent, coming to see Maraich whenever he could, mainly to see how Maraich doing and occasionally flirt with the boys there, enjoying his freedom without needing to worry about Maraich’s jealousy for the time being.

For Maraich, he clearly loved Bancoran, but he was not sure if Bancoran loved him, he could see that Bancoran cared about him deeply, had feelings for him but he couldn’t understand why the man was fooling around so much. He was angsty, thinking it was a onesided love, yup. For Bancoran, it was obvious to him that he only loved Maraich, and Maraich loved him, it was just fact for him so he was just yolo, not noticing that currently Maraich and he were not official yet lol.

Then of course they met Patalliro and most of the things happened like in the manga with some twerks as Bancoran hd memories of them, they could solve them in simpler ways. But of course, with Patalliro in the picture, things were never simple.

It went on until Maraich turned 18 years old and he could take part in some real missions now. He then joined in one supposedly easy mission with Bancoran (Bancoran used his power so he could join the same mission as Maraich), and this mission was exactly the one that killed Maraich. During the mission, Bancoran finally regained memory about it and prevented Maraich’s death this time.

Bancoran was horrified that he lost Maraich once and after the mission, he finally declared his love for Maraich, they slept together and then happy ending hehe. After this, Bancoran in my little AU world stopped cheating, yup. He might glance and flirt with pretty boys now and then out of habit or for missions, but he only slept with Maraich now.

That’s it! Man I fantasize about this idea for days haha

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

What is your take on the Supreme Courts decision to to uphold the ban on race as a deciding factor for admission to college?

“I just opened a brown girl who’s an 810 [SAT].”

“If its brown and above a 1300 [SAT] put them in for [the] merit/Excel [scholarship].”

“Still yes, give these brown babies a shot at these merit $$.”

“I am reading an Am. Ind.”

“[W]ith these [URM] kids, I’m trying to at least give them the chance to compete even if the [extracurriculars] and essays are just average.”

“I don’t think I can admit or defer this brown girl.”

“perfect 2400 SAT All 5 on AP one B in 11th”  “Brown?!” “Heck no. Asian.” “Of course. Still impressive.”

“I just read a blk girl who is an MC and Park nominee.”....

“Stellar academics for a Native Amer/African Amer kid.”....

“I’m going through this trouble because this is a bi-racial (black/white) male.”

This, as noted by Coleman Hughes in his recent "10 Notes on the End of Affirmative Action" post, is the ugly racist reality of "Affirmative Action." The above logs from Harvard's chat system come directly from the Supreme Court documents. This is how the sausage is made. This is racial discrimination.

If what these institutions are doing is so good, then it's curious that this process is not made transparent. Harvard were even insisting that they don't do it, simply because they changed the name so that, technically, they were telling the truth. Shouldn't they be proud of their "equity" work? If it's something that's good, own it.

A lot of the discourse around this is exactly the same tactics we've seen with CRT and gender stuff: "Literally nobody is doing this, but if they are doing it then it's a good thing and you're a bigot for trying to stop it. But nobody's doing it so that's why we have to stop it from being banned. Because of the fact it's not happening." #KettleLogic

They should also be honest with applicants. After all, Harvard's motto is Veritas (i.e. "truth").

https://colemanhughes.substack.com/p/10-notes-on-the-end-of-affirmative

Imagine if every college rejection letter contained an honest account of why every kid was rejected. Imagine, for example, if the Asian-American kid who would have gotten into Harvard were she not Asian received an honest statement attesting to that fact in her rejection letter: “We regret to inform you that you’ve been rejected in part because you are Asian-American. Had you been black or Hispanic with otherwise identical qualifications, we would have accepted you.” 

Coleman didn't go further, but I'd like to suggest the text for an acceptance letter: "We're pleased to inform you that you've been accepted to Harvard. This has occurred in part because of the color of your skin. Had you been white or Asian with otherwise identical qualifications, we would have deemed you as unsuitable."

Welcome to Harvard.

These institutions are neither transparent nor honest. This fact alone suggests they know what they're doing is wrong.

This is the result of what Harvard's system produces.

Sources:

https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/22pdf/20-1199_hgdj.pdf - Case

https://www.aei.org/op-eds/is-it-time-to-replace-race-with-class-in-affirmative-action/ - Chart

That is, an Asian person in the top 90-100 range on the academic index (higher scores are better) has a lower chance of acceptance than a black person in the 30-40 range.

Let's be frank: this is about expensive social signaling. Luxury beliefs.

Expensive, because it throws both black and Asian people under the bus. It's a way for elite progressives to signal how Good™ they are, without doing anything. Because it means they never have to wonder what could be done to actually lift black academic performance upwards, instead of lowering standards.

There's some suspicion that the quoted tweet is a parody account, but the fact it's so hard to tell these days means it kind doesn't even matter.

"You see that over here students are struggling, and instead of helping them more, you say, 'alright, well, we'll accept your failure.'" -- Dr. Amir Whitaker

If you're trying to "solve" academic disparity in the gap between high school graduation and university admission, you're out of your damned mind, you're over a decade too late, and you have no clue what the causes are, and therefore whether your "solution" will even do anything.

For example, it's uncontroversial that SAT scores correlate to study time, and that lower study time also corresponds to lower household income.

[ Source: https://www.brookings.edu/articles/analyzing-the-homework-gap-among-high-school-students/ ]

Why, and how can we address this, are all very interesting and worthwhile questions to pursue; there are few studies of enquiry that would be more noble and worthwhile.

Here's the thing: Roland Fryer did uplift very low performing black students to above the level of white students. But it took hard work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8xWOlk3WIw

• "Aggressive Human Capital Management" - i.e. firing lots of teachers "You ask the teachers what you think you need to educate these kids. We got answers like, 'well, all we need is smarter kids.' I said, 'all you need is a new job.'" • Extra time "If you're behind, you either got to spend more time, or ask the white kids to please take Thursday and Friday off." • Small tutoring groups • Use data to drive instruction • High expectations and no excuses for failure

All of this is doable. It won't even cost all that much. But doing the hard work around student study time, performance expectations, staff management, etc, isn't as glamorous as online screaming to show off your progressive bona fides by calling everyone a racist. #MoreHomework isn't a hashtag that's going to go viral. And there's a certain class of person - usually white progressive elites - who wants to claim that the above common sense, pragmatic list is some kind of cloaked message of racism. "bLaMiNg pOc iNsTeAd oF DiSmAnTLInG SyStEmIc rAcIsM" or whatever. You know the song; it's the same one they always sing.

There are dozens of other problems in the way the US education system works which I've talked about before: teaching reading the wrong way; stupid woke classes in fake-math rather than real math; the lack of a fixed, defined curriculum; the pathological avoidance of teaching content. Many of these issues are magnified at the lower socio-economic classes. The failures in teaching reading, for example, can be offset among those in the middle-class if you're engaged in reading at home with involved parents and access to books. In poorer households with parents - or indeed, single-parents - who are time-poor and where books might not be as plentiful, the deficiencies of the education system aren't as likely to be mitigated at home.

So the problem often isn't an issue of race but of poverty. People pay attention to it as it affects race, but that misses the rest of the forest.

Remember the Harvard academic decile rankings table I posted earlier? It comes from an article by Ian Rowe titled "Is It Time to Replace Race with Class in Affirmative Action?" It makes, obviously, the case that assistance should be applied at the level of socioeconomics, not race. The idea that middle and upper-class black people - and yes, most black Americans are middle-class - need assistance, while poor whites, such as the Appalachian areas, do not and are "privileged," is pretty perverted. It assumes black people are incapable, while also redirecting help from people who would benefit from it, simply because they're white. It makes gross assumptions about everyone, while helping very few. If you help poor people, you'll help poor black people as well. Which is what the left used to be about. Remember those days?

I mean, have you ever actually looked at the Nation's Report Card? It's a portrait of a broken, inadequate education system.

[ Source: https://www.nationsreportcard.gov/dashboards/schools_dashboard.aspx ]

My point being that by the time you're talking about admission to university, it's already too late. This should have been addressed right from the beginning as children start school. Then you would have closer parity in terms of academic results, and closer parity in academic admissions.

One other thing that should be mentioned is something I recall John McWhorter discussing which is called "mismatch."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CU3hQfyEKQ

Studies on mismatch show that those lowered academic standards cause black people to attend schools where they're less likely to earn degrees than they otherwise would be.

That is, throwing a student of average academic capability into an elite institution is more likely to have them either fail out or drop out. It would be better to have them attend a university better fitting with their academic ability.

Especially as it relates to ambition. Why everybody needs to aspire to a pretentious, expensive - and let's not forget, woke, as clearly demonstrated - university as Harvard is beyond me.

“I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member” -- Groucho Marx

Maybe that's just me, though.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465029965/

Mismatch: How Affirmative Action Hurts Students It's Intended to Help, and Why Universities Won't Admit It Sander and Taylor have long admired affirmative action's original goals, but after many years of studying racial preferences, they have reached a controversial but undeniable conclusion: that preferences hurt underrepresented minorities far more than they help them. At the heart of affirmative action's failure is a simple phenomenon called mismatch. Using dramatic new data and numerous interviews with affected former students and university officials of color, the authors show how racial preferences often put students in competition with far better-prepared classmates, dooming many to fall so far behind that they can never catch up. Mismatch largely explains why, even though black applicants are more likely to enter college than whites with similar backgrounds, they are far less likely to finish; why there are so few black and Hispanic professionals with science and engineering degrees and doctorates; why black law graduates fail bar exams at four times the rate of whites; and why universities accept relatively affluent minorities over working class and poor people of all races.

And even for black students who legitimately make the admissions standards, their framed Harvard certification will have a cloud permanently cast over it. Did the black Harvard-attending economist you're interviewing for your company get there by merit or by lowered standards? Should you even bother with Harvard graduates any more?

Some of the other discourse is like "you're going to stop affirmative action..." - i.e. racial discrimination - "...but you're not going to stop legacy admissions!?" This is literally WhatAboutism. Both things can be wrong and unfair. "This thing being wrong justifies us doing this other wrong thing."

This case is about race-based selection, filed by Asian students who were being racially discriminated against. The case was not about legacies. You don't rule on a case that nobody has presented. And as far as I know, legacies are not explicitly in violation of the U.S. Constitution. If you think legacies should go away, then make the case. Find something in the Constitution, find a legal precedent, or make a challenge some other way.

But don't make excuses for perpetrating one wrong thing on the basis of another wrong thing.

Coleman's analysis is interesting and goes into depth, so is worth a read.

I won't reproduce the whole thing here, but the headings are worth a read at least:

“Affirmative Action” is a Euphemism for Racial Discrimination

“Affirmative Action” Affects the Elites, Not the Masses

The Benefits of “Affirmative Action” are Dubious

Mismatch is Real

“Affirmative Action” is Not the Product of The Civil Rights Movement

Quotas are a Red herring

We’re Confused About Diversity 

Affirmative Action as Reparations?

The Equilibrium Will Change

If Not Affirmative Action, then What?

Finally, what I will say is that it's simultaneously interesting, gratifying and alarming all at the same time to witness the open and proud denunciation of the "colorblind" ideal espoused by MLK Jr, by people purporting to be "progressive."

When you criticize "equity" as discrimination by authoritarians to artificially manufacture their pet outcomes, people sometimes act like you're just making it up. Then a reaction like this happens and people start saying the quiet bit out loud, proving you right. Not that you necessarily want to be.

[southernmermaidsgrotto]

egg cleanse -> eat egg -> net zero cleanse

Good shitpost, bad bruja advice

Hope you don't mind me taking this opportunity to educate a little further.

If you wanted to curse someone or transfer whatever malignant thing you had on yourself, then by all means make them eat the egg, seasoned even. I think on that we can all agree on, based on the most widespread western laws of magic, but for brujería specifically? there's much theory beyond that.

Logic without the cultural context would tell you just that, this thing goes out, same thing goes in, the net "energy transfered" should be zero, right?...

Wrong. Even just from a physics standpoint, a net zero energy transfer is quite ideal but unrealistic as heck, there's always some energy that's gonna be lost in the process. But we're not talking about physics and energy here, we're talking about spirits who have wills and needs of their own. Brujería all across latin america has roots in native and sometimes african practices of the different indigenous people who've lived here pre-, during and post-colonization, aswell as in some cases our african ancestors and their own spiritual and magical practices, and what we all have in common is some or other form of belief in spirits (rather than "vibes" or "energies"). So it's not energy transfer, it's spirits you're removing from a person and capturing somewhere else, to get rid of them in whatever way your tradition prefers to do so.

Energy is just energy, it follows the laws of physics and does it's thing without judgement or reasoning. It will do so regardless of our intervention. Spirits are a whole different thing. At best, they'll be spiteful because you tried to get rid of them, at worst, they'll put every effort into making your life a living hell because you tried to take away their sustenance (that was you!), so it's not as easy as "eat egg -> net zero" it's rather "eat egg -> willingly invite into yourself an angry spirit who's already been making your life difficult and is more than a little pissed right now"

Again, I'll remind you all that I do not work within your regular "vibes and energies" world view. I am afroindigenous, that means a lot of deep beliefs in spirits and spirit communication, on the spirit nature of illness and problems as well as health and blessings, and thus it's more than just energy being moved around. Everyone is free to believe what they choose, but from a traditional brujería standpoint? We're talking spirits and they have their own agenda, so you need someone who understands the nature of that spirit, what their agenda most likely looks like (depends on how simple minded or not they could be aswell) and thus, what the best treatment or solution for each situation is. I'll always appreciate humor and I'm open to discuss these type of things, but I do ask you to approach this with a good amount of respect aswell, as POC have had quite enough of our beliefs and practices ridiculed.

[nothorses]

I think what's especially annoying to me about the "culturally Christian" argument is that people pushing the phrase (as a way of referring to individuals) tend to argue that it's describing a difference in what you know about cultures and religions outside of Christianity.

That's how they justify applying it to atheists and agnostics who don't come from a minority religion background, right? You don't know about any other religion, you must know about Christianity no matter what because that's the dominant religion here, which means you're closer to Christianity than anything else.

But like.

I was raised atheist by people who were raised atheist. Adults around me knew about Christianity, but because we never talked about it, I didn't know anything about any religion for a good chunk of my childhood.

I found out Christmas was a religious holiday when I was like 9; I thought it was about Santa before that, and I literally did not know what the nativity scene was.

I thought Easter was about eggs and bunnies until I was about the same age. I did not understand who Jesus was when it was finally explained to me; I received that information in 7th grade social studies class, when my teacher was explaining the divergence of the three Abrahamic religions.

I learned the vast majority of what I know about Christianity in art history classes I took for my degree, and I was, at the same time, working at a Jewish afterschool program; a not-insignificant part of my job was helping to lead Shabbat prayers and teaching kids about upcoming Jewish holidays. We discussed Jewish values and how they related to the structure of the program very regularly. I cannot stress enough that this was part of a Jewish community center in which a Rabbi worked and relevant gatherings and celebrations happened.

I would say I know more about Christianity, but it's not a huge margin, and a lot of that is repetition; things I've learned about Christianity have been reinforced and repeated over time, and that's not really true of Judaism for me. Had I worked at the JCC for more than two years, my answer might be different.

I would say that I received a lot of Christian messaging growing up, because our broader cultural values are heavily rooted in those ideas. Everyone gets that messaging. What they do with it might depend on their family's culture and religion, and it might depend on their own internal processing. I can say, personally, that much of that messaging didn't stick for me; I realized there was no "real" reason for those beliefs at a pretty young age, and spent a lot of time obsessing over the internal consistency of my own value system. I rejected a lot of them, often without even knowing where they were coming from.

So yeah, you could absolutely say I know more about Christianity, I've been exposed to more of it, and that I've been surrounded by more of it. But everyone in this country experiences this too some degree; to draw highly individualized conclusions about that based on the fact that I'm an atheist alone feels disingenuous, to say the least. Atheism is why I was questioning those things, and rejecting many of them; how is that different from other beliefs? Why does the fact that there is no higher power involved make that less significant than for those who do believe in one?

Don't get me wrong, our culture is Christian. This has an impact on individuals, and I think it's fair to say that some people are more driven to challenge those ideas than others. I'd argue that atheism does require challenging Christian ideas on its own, but I can concede that as a generally self-directed thing, it's easier for folks to just not self-reflect in that way than it might be when going through a guided conversion process.

But.

That line isn't hard and fast, and it's unfair to insist that it is just for the sake of convenience. Particularly when Christians themselves are unwilling to include anyone different from them, especially for the sake of sharing their power.

[battlewatari]

This is NOT what I imagined would be the first thing I post, but here goes...

So... I just finished Frank Herbert's Dune series and I have OPINIONS about an amalgam-verse of Assassin’s Creed/Dune... because it honestly makes more sense than Dune being "our" future:

Genetic memories? Yessir.

Why are there families in Dune that say, like it’s an undisputable fact, they are descended from characters of Iliad? Today we don’t even know they existed, much less if, and that’s a big if, there are descendants! In AC: simple. They used an Animus and found out.

That Isu bitching in Origin about how they knew the future but couldn't change it? That's pretty much the same problem Paul has. Down to the “we can’t change it BECAUSE we saw it.”

Why the fuck is WWII considered a part of Golden Era of Old Earth? In AC: simple. Earth started to DIE in 2012.

The Butlerian Jihad: (I know there are Expanded Dune books that have a different take on this, I have read them and found them dreadfully unimaginative, so I’m going to ignore them.) I would extrapolate from “men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.” and say that the “other men with machines” were Templars. That there were people benefiting from it *at all* doesn’t seem to be a common knowledge, which is even more their MO.

Something else that gives me Templar vibes? Bene Tleilax: secret plan to take over everything, careful management of public image, “ends justify means” attitude taken to extremes, thinking they are better than everyone else, ritualism and strict hierarchy... only thing that doesn’t fit is their anti-logic stance, and with the time between it would be weirder if there were no changes. (Dark version: they are what’s left of Assassins, “Nothing is true” turning into “Assumptions based on understanding contain belief in an absolute ground out of which all things spring. Behind such assumptions lies a faith in words that the powindah do not question. Only the Shariat question and we do so silently.”)

On Bene Gesserit: You can’t tell me their Mohalatas aren’t at least some times led by a Templar. I don’t think they *started* as an offshoot ("I exist only to serve"? yeah no), but that they took a bit too much inspiration from them. Digging around in genetic memory is dangerous, it’s canon.

Isu genetic memory would help explain why people after the Agony often come across as not-quite-human. (indulge me ok?)

So where are the Assassins? Giedi Prime. Why? a) it’s where the greatest tyrants rule, b) somehow the best fighters Atreides have just “happen” to come from there, c) a key component of a breeding program aiming to strengthen human need for freedom is a Giedi Prime native.

[skaruresonic]

What are the other religions that appear in the novel? I'm guessing the main ones would be native briton, Anglo-Saxon, and various Roman religions? Though of those I'm assuming that the Britainic Christianity is the most prominent.

As I've said, it's pretty much pagan Welsh, pagan Anglo-Saxon, and Yoruba religion.

I want to keep a tight focus; including other religions when they're not thematically pertinent might wind up causing unnecessary confusion.

And tbqh, I'm worried three religions might already be pushing it in a project where each culture will probably be considered "foreign" to the audience in some capacity, because there's a lot of context I need to provide. Which is why in lieu of infodumping in the narrative itself, I've opted instead to move that information to codices which the reader can access at their leisure. Like... Show, don't tell. I have to write conversations between Arthur and Bedwyr where they talk about fantastical figures as if they're normal everyday occurrences, but draw the line at Creoda's specific brand of resurrection being the thing that's just a little too fantastic to believe. Add the need to distinguish one character's superstition from the other and the tightrope grows even narrower.

I have to impart the conceptual significance of the àkúdàáyà as Morgan's personal way of explaining the resurrection cycle without exoticizing Yoruba belief in the process. (Or any of these beliefs, really.)

I have to write an Anglo-Saxon ritual spear dance without coming out and saying the words "Anglo-Saxon ritual spear dance." And since there's a paucity of information on what Anglo-Saxon pagan rituals entailed, sometimes the best I can do here is guess, coupled with large amounts of creative liberty.

On top of that, I have to grapple with the VN's own diegetic universe and how it functions, particularly in regard to Mona's system. Part of me wants to lean on some degree of ambiguity as a critical element in understanding the themes, but I also know being too vague might not be good.

That's a lot of information to put on the reader without also going "And now let's see what the Church is doing," you know what I mean? Too many "unfamiliar" elements and I might wind up losing people.

It's also difficult to delineate boundaries between cultures; where would I put Baldr, for instance, if we're talking about Woden in an Anglo-Saxon pagan mythos and not the Norse Odin? Would they be considered the same character? Likewise with Celtic-but-not-Welsh deities like Belenos. So on and so forth.

I think Mithras, the Roman soldier's god, may have popped up in the deity codex, but honestly I've been considering cutting him since my version of Arthur isn't terribly Romanized, aside from his brief stint in his youth as one of the guys stoking coke ovens along the Antonine Wall.

..."Coke" as in ash from burned trees. To make iron. Not like drugs lmao. Bedwyr we need to cook

---

I'm assuming that the Britainic Christianity is the most prominent.

Considering all four main characters are pagan, and only Gwenhwyfar is a recent Christian convert, Christianity actually figures very little.

There are several reasons for this---chief among them being that, ironically enough, I'm just not familiar enough with the history of Christianity in sub-Roman Britain to be able to do it justice. All I know is that prominent Christian theologists had a knockdown dragout no-holds barred fight round table discussion and decided Pelagianism was heresy about eighty or so years before the events of the VN. That's about it. xP

Plus, to be quite frank, I'm not interested in attempting it. There are plenty of Arthurian novels where the principal ideological conflict revolves around "Christians vs. pagans" and that kind of thing doesn't really light my fire. I guess I'm also afraid of bungling it and accidentally pushing some Church Bad(tm) message.

But like, unless Gwenhwyfar shows up (which I don't plan on doing right now since she doesn't appear in the demo) Christianity's not terribly relevant to the immediate setting. Arthur and Bedwyr mention other characters who are Christian, but it's not like

[luesmainblog]

Hi there, is there a link to your about page that people can access via the tumblr mobile app?

you can try my direct About link but I don't know if it's readable on mobile, I'm a strictly desktop user and I've been here since before the site became mobile-centric, so I genuinely don't know what's accessible and what isn't :( my phone can't really run the tumblr app half the time, so it's not something i'm able to check for.

honestly it's nothing that isn't pretty much covered by "i'm here i'm queer get used to it" or looking at the political stuff i do reblog. brief summary being i'm nb, aspec, anti-terf, anti-swerf, anti-cop, and anti-harassment. longer summary: I do my best to be an ally to jewish and muslim folk, but i am very under-educated in that area. same applies to mental illnesses. i was around during The Ace Raids(period of tumblr history where the site went extremely anti-ace for, at the time, no discernable reason. now we know it was general anti-queer getting its hooks in early.) and i watched the birth of the mogai community and the bi v pan debate. as a result my attitude towards identity is "you're the expert, just use whatever label suits you best and i'll believe you about it". i respect older/"outdated" identities and do my best to learn about queer history and incorporate that knowledge into my views. i can get kind of anti-christian at times due to the general trauma of living in the united states and watching "religious belief" become the excuse for massive levels of abuse and control, but i do respect people who use that belief to help people and push positive change. i view Missionary Work(i.e. going to another location and doing charity specifically to spread the word of your religion, like the god damn mormons are constantly doing) as inherently colonization and fundamentally do not understand people who consider it to be a good deed. i am against arranged marriage, but respectful to those who are comfortable in theirs. I support poly marriage(i am poly myself), and i think we need to severely change how disability aid is handled so that disabled people can marry who they want without losing their coverage and don't have to literally count pennies to make sure they're not over an insanely low limit. i can get kind of loud about intersex people's existence and rights. I support landback, but i am under-educated in native issues. I consider neurodivergency a positive thing, but i also acknowledge it as a disability. i consider the political lesbians of the 1960s to have been infiltrates and traitors, as their beliefs were foundational to modern TERF rhetoric. I don't have a DNI(if some asshole decides to follow me they're gonna see exactly what i think about them very quickly, and if they stick around anyways, maybe something i post will shake their beliefs a little), but TERFs, SWERFs, nazis and MAGAs get blocked on sight. harassment will also be blocked and reported. I am a strong believer in online anonymity; i don't think it's wise to share your age, sex, race or location unless it's something you WANT people to be aware of. I also don't think it's a good idea to share your face, but i don't harp on people who do make that choice unless they're underaged(and even then it's gonna be a very light 'hey maybe this is a bad idea'). double points on location, stop telling people where you live. that should NEVER have been normalized.

i'm also into a lot of fandoms, and i don't usually tag unless asked. current tags: NSFC(not safe for crystal, basically any mention of death will be under this), Facepaint, Spiders, Cats, Horrible Things, Important, Signal Boost, For My Wife, Frosty, Crinket, and Awesome Music. if you dig too deep into that last one you'll find some OLD tumblr culture. i also try to tag for content warnings like abuse, flashing lights, and sexual assault.

in short, i think other people should be able to exist how they want to as long as it's not inherently harmful to others, and i love to learn more about the world and spread that knowledge. i'm gonna see if i can make this my pinned post, this is honestly a better summary of what you're gonna see on this blog than my about page is. also, not the most important thing, but I do have memory problems, so i usually use Likes as a way to show myself i've already reblogged/seen something. ff to block if this ain't your rodeo, and welcome aboard if you stay!

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2005 Today was a warm one. It got all the way up to 87º in here and that was with fans blowing. In the early morning when it’s cool, we’ll open the front door and let some cool air in to lower it so that it can’t come up as high. Especially with me sleeping into the afternoons these days. I may even sleep with the bedroom door open.

Maybe the summers won’t be so noisy here after all. I forget that most of these “Klammers” are natives, so to them, this is quite a heatwave. It’s keeping people shut up indoors just nicely. But summer will be gone in just 2½ months, so hopefully we’ll be gone before they get back out.

Spain legalized same-sex marriages. This is good, but only the third country to do so. Gays have made only a microscopic fraction of the progress blacks have made. If they ever get to where they are, it won’t be in my lifetime. Part of it is a backlash against religious bigots which they have a lot of over there. Guess I’m not the only one getting fed up with people like that who can’t even speak one sentence without bringing God into it somehow. We still have too many people out there, however, who think God is great and that He hates gays, though He obviously does hate them to a degree. They wouldn’t have gone through all the shit they’ve gone through if He didn’t. Nonetheless, I still don’t understand why the religious bigots don’t understand that they can still be who they are while they let others be who they are as well. But you see, that’s the problem with these people; they expect the world to be just like they are with their old-fashioned families and beliefs. Gays, on the other hand, never set out to try to make the world like them, they just want equality.

The protestors wore white masks with red X’s across the mouth and I thought that was so asinine, even childish. People seem to think that just because they’re going to allow certain people the right to be who they are this automatically means they can’t be who they are, and that’s just not true. You really can be who you are while allowing others to be themselves. People are silly at times.

Another funny one I heard was someone saying, “Now that they’ve made same-sex marriages legal, does that mean they’ll legalize bestiality next?” This statement makes no sense at all. That’s like saying that since it’s legal to buy firearms, they’re going to legalize murder. One has nothing to do with the other.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2005 My package just left Maspeth, NY, which I’ve never heard of. Unfortunately, though, I won’t get it till the 8th, so I made up a few more sticks, plus Tom’s going to that store this Saturday.

The last day of the month, as well as the 1st and the 15th, tends to be when most sweeps expire. I won the shoes on the 31st, which should be here next week, they said. Anyway, I’m hoping to have another win tomorrow, even if I don’t hear about it for a few weeks. I just hope it’s a good one if I do!

TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 2005 Tom and I went to Burger King for his birthday and had fun laughing and joking about all kinds of things. It was as fun as a birthday could be for him in the midst of our current situation. Even the queen remembered him and sent a $48 check. As with the anniversary card, there was no note enclosed. No bragging about puzzles, kittens or calla lilies. At least he’s one year closer to retirement and one year closer to getting out of this screwy world! In 7 years he’ll get that $250 monthly check from AMEX. Going through a lot of shit tends to simplify your dreams/goals. We may be years away from this, but we just want a modest home where we don’t have to know what’s going on with our neighbors, with $100 extra a month for fun. That’s all we want. He said he’s pretty sure we’ll have that before he’s 55, but if worse comes to worst, we know we’ll have it then.

I’m on nights which is just fine with me. I like sleeping through whatever shit goes on around here in the daytime, though next door’s been up later. I think there’s always been someone up throughout the nights there; it’s just that now that they have their windows open a lot, I can hear voices and coughing as late as 2 AM when I go into the bathroom.

This afternoon I woke up to pee, and I can’t swear to it, but I thought I could hear the dog barking over the fan and sound machine. If it was, then there certainly is no threat of being woken up. If it was barking, then it was probably for the usual reasons; the cats, or wanting to be let in and being ignored.

We’re still not sure if we’re giving notice in August or September. It’ll depend on what we find and what they want up front. Some places cost just under a grand to get into and some cost just over. We won’t know for sure for 2-3 more weeks, though as I’ve always said, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was the latter of the two. At least there are now less than 100 days to go for sure either way.

Most of the big orange-red flowers in the back of the yard have died, but there’s a rose bush blooming by the dividing fence that’s so beautiful.

My oil order has yet to be upgraded to ‘on hold for check or money order’ and then to ‘in production, will ship soon’ so I hope tomorrow’s the day. This order is coming via UPS rather than USPS because it’s weightier. This should make it easier to track and to know when it’ll arrive. Unfortunately, though, I’ll probably be asleep when it does. I hope they’ll leave it by the door.

MONDAY, JUNE 27, 2005 We’re still not sure if we’re giving notice in August or September, but I’m sure it’ll be September, with my shit luck. I don’t know why. I mean, we aren’t going to a place any quieter than this. The only difference is that we won’t be attached to anyone and we won’t have doors slamming and dogs barking so close to us, but I guess that’s enough of a reason for whatever’s been determined to see me spend 95% of my life where I don’t want to be, to keep me here. It’ll also depend on if we can find a place that doesn’t want last month’s rent. I have a feeling that for us, it’ll be mighty hard to find a place that doesn’t want first month, last month, and a deposit as well. That’ll keep us here till October for sure if it’s going to take us around $1300 to get moved, rather than around $800.

Patty hasn’t let the dog get out of control, though I’ve heard a couple of quick barking sprees today and yesterday. It’s probably been going off in the mornings too, when she has her company, but I’ve been sleeping through it. Lucky for her!

My vibes say the place we end up buying in California will be a little noisier than Maricopa, but not as noisy as PHX. Not good. But of course a warm place 200’ from the neighbors versus a warm place 450’ away is going to be a bit more audible. Oh well. At least we’ll own it and will be able to build up equity so that we have more moving choices down the road as we get older. It’s the getting out of this state and into something we own that’s the most important thing to start with. I look forward to fixing it up! That’ll be so much fun as well as hard work. It’ll keep us fit, though I’m not looking forward to the money it’ll cost, but I figure we could sit down and set up a budget when the time comes - how much a month goes to remodeling, how much to food, towards fun.

I’d be okay with this money-saving diet indefinitely. Like I said, until we get rich and they can make calories go away, or I turn 70 (whichever comes first), I don’t mind this diet. It saves money for other things.

I am getting a clearer image of the rental house here. I still see something white with dark trim, unless I’m seeing the California rental. The exterior paint is peeling and it is a small squarish house with small rooms. There are two bedrooms and there may be a fence all around it, including the front, and be set close to the street. I think we will be able to get/send mail at the door. There is no garage or cellar and the driveway is to the right of the house. It isn’t managed by this management company. It’s owned by an older man who owns 1-3 houses. I cannot see what’s around it, but it is not in this area. I see an older/younger neighborhood, but no details. Meaning, the houses are older, but the people are younger. Think the ones next to us will work if that’s the case? Well, of course not! I know they’ll be home 24/7. What will their flaw(s) be? I guess that could only be bass, barks or screams unless they have a woodshop or gun engines. I am not moving next to a basketball hoop! Thank God those things aren’t everywhere like in Phoenix.

SUNDAY, JUNE 26, 2005 It seems I cannot get closer than 5 days to my period without spotting, but 5 is better than 10.

Got my second and final rejection from the publishers. This time they attached a list of excerpts from the book that they had a problem with and pointed out why in hopes of encouraging me. We don’t agree with all the things they pointed out, but 8 pages worth of stuff really makes me think I’m not nearly as good of a writer as I thought I was. I can see putting thoughts in italics, but what was wrong with having Maureen stand there and tell Shania all the horrible things she was going to do to her when she finally found her in the K-Falls motel room? Of course it was because she wanted to scare her and make her feel threatened before she killed her. Or tried to anyway. It’s okay, though. Rather than rewrite it or submit anything else, I’ll go on writing for fun. That way I don’t have to worry if I’m not being descriptive enough or if I have any discrepancies, etc. I could even use celebrity names if I wanted to and even racial slurs. I always did know that something up there never wanted me to succeed career/money-wise and that I’ve already been living my true destiny – being the homemaker/hobbyist that I am. I’m simply not meant to make money, but I can win a pair of shoes every now and then and write for fun. I think that writing professionally would be so much work that it’d take the fun out of it just like singing professionally.

One of my boo-boos was funny. The part where Lauren busts Shania out of the hospital and then her friend drives them to the bus terminal. Meanwhile, Shania’s still in her hospital gown. I forgot to have her change in the friend’s van!

Some of the things she picked on make no sense. She questioned why I would refer to “the other day” as the other day when it was just yesterday. But isn’t yesterday the other day? I would think either phrase, be it “the other day” or “yesterday” would be appropriate.

Anyway, I see it like this: I made two submissions, so I can’t say I didn’t try. It was a fun and interesting experience getting their feedback and all that, but now it’s time to move on, write for fun and just be the leaf blowing in the wind that we almost all are meant to be. Some do the things they’d like to do, but most don’t. It’s a simple fact of life, like it or not. If I thought the odds of making decent money at it were in my favor, then I’d consider all the hard work it’d take, but I don’t want to work my ass off just to almost certainly be told that I’m still not quite “getting the picture.”

I kind of got a kick out of how she said “Good luck with your writing career.”

What writing career?

Tom said this has inspired him to write a book, though I doubt he will. Not that I don’t think he’d be a good writer, but I think writing a book would be something he’d find easier to talk about than to do. He has too many other higher priorities in his life.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25, 2005 Yesterday and the day before were so warm that I had to work at keeping it from getting into the 90s in here by blowing cool air in from the other rooms. Today, however, is much cooler. The heater will probably come on early in the morning.

We went for our walk to the grocery store earlier and again his coworker drove by as we were walking. He lives just up the street.

I’m pleased to say that it’s been quiet here all day, though I didn’t get up till the early afternoon. Tom would’ve told me if there was anything going on. All I heard was next door talking, but I hear that pretty much every day and figure I will as long as it’s warm.

Meanwhile, it’s just me, my computers and the blessed silence of nighttime. Ah, the peacefulness of the nighttime! I love it. At night I never have to say to myself, “Okay, it’s quiet now, but will it stay that way?”

Tom said he had a sore throat when he went to bed. I hope he’s not coming down with a cold and that I can stop it if he is.

I don’t feel like working on my story now and the new sweeps aren’t all in yet, so I guess I’ll go do some reading. One sweeper had 4 wins in 3 days!

FRIDAY, JUNE 24, 2005 I finally, after nearly two months of sweeping, have my first real win! I’m excited about it even if it’s nothing big. It’s not even for me. I won Tom a pair of canvas shoes in khaki. I had my choice of that or a bag in mint, so I chose the shoes, figuring he’d want those more than a bag. He’s a size 10. I was one of 5 people to win this month and it was a one-time entry for correctly answering the trivia question from their site which is called Gravis. I got the answer from the notes section. I don’t know why people give answers to other sweepers. You’re lowering your chances of winning by doing that. They sent me an email telling me to reply to it with my shipping address and choice of prize. They also asked for a photo to add to their site. I don’t have any recent ones, so I sent one from Maricopa where my hair was really long.

So the law of averages finally paid off. I’m glad. I’d have hated to hang up sweeping not just because I wasn’t winning, but because it gives me more to do. It’s fun, too!

Winning shoes is nice, but it’d be even nicer to win something big. I’d prefer a big cash prize most of all but would happily settle for a vehicle, a cruise, a house or a gift certificate worth hundreds of dollars at a store. Even a bottle of perfume would be nicer than shoes. I would think that if I kept at it for the rest of my life, I’d be bound to win big sooner or later.

Tom’s right about it taking a while for them to notify me, too. It looks like I won the shoes on May 31st, so I could have other wins out there that I don’t yet know about.

My bangs have grown out to the point where I can now gather them into a ponytail.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2005 Patty had me worried again for a minute there when I saw the dog lounging out back because she does not always sit with it when she leaves it outside for a while like she said she does. Yet it’s been quiet with the only sound being voices from next door’s barbecue. Now I can’t hear a thing, if they’re still out there, because the fan’s on. It’s getting pretty toasty in here, too.

I got an email from SOS with a great sale offer for a buy-four-get-one-free deal on their 1-oz. trial sizes. So I ordered Peanut Butter Crunch, Cookie Dough, Deep Fried Ice Cream, Cookies & Cream, and Hawaiian Rain. That’s not all. For just $20.50, I get 8 samples of their new spring scents – Summertime Rose, Peach Orchard, Jolly Rancher Watermelon, Musk Mountain Rain, Green Leaf & Bamboo, Aloe Tea & Honey, Japanese Honeysuckle, and Soft Indigo Rain. I don’t think they’ll be 1-oz. sizes, but that’s okay. Lastly, by placing an order, I’m automatically entered into their drawing. First prize is a $100 SOS voucher and 4th is a $10 voucher. I’m sure the chances of me winning a voucher, unfortunately, are about the same as they would be if I didn’t place an order at all.

Last night, even though I had the fan blaring, the sound machine blaring, and was lying on my good ear, I heard a thunderous car stereo go by at 3 AM. It was so loud that it shook the room. It would’ve woken me up for sure and I can see where I’d have assumed it was next door slamming doors.

They have these chat forums at the sweeps site and there are other people whining about not winning while others win every month. Some say they believe in the law of averages and that they’re bound to win sooner or later.

Am I?

As of midnight, we’ll supposedly have 70 days left here, but I’ll believe it when I see it. It seems life is one big waiting game. Right now we’re waiting to move into a house, then we’ll wait to move to California, then we’ll wait till we can get a rental down there, then we’ll wait till we can buy a place, then we’ll wait till we can fix it up and start building up enough equity, then we’ll wait to hopefully, hopefully, get some peace in the end there in a retirement community.

Right now I’m waiting on the oils. If we make Saturday’s pick-up, I could get them on the 2nd. If not, I’ll probably get them on the 5th. I’m glad I won’t be asleep during the evening on the 4th, thanks to next door. If they go firecracking on non-holidays, then I can only imagine how they’ll be on the 4th, but maybe not. I don’t think they shot off any on New Year’s Eve.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2005 I woke up wondering, what kind of noise will God bless me with today? Then when I went into the kitchen to get my coffee, I saw the dog sitting on its patio and it was only 11:30. However, it got up, took a dump, then went inside without a bark. Meanwhile, I’m sure that come late afternoon or early evening, I’ll have to hear from it. The question is will she ignore it, or will she do something about it? I guess it depends on whether or not she’s on the phone at the time, but if she doesn’t mind all that barking, then certainly she can’t mind a little bass from my stereo, cuz like it or not, that’s just what she’s going to get if I have to hear it later on.

Didn’t hear much from next door yesterday, but at 11 PM when I was in the bathroom, I could hear several voices, although not too loud. My first thought was, what are they doing out this late? But then I realized I was hearing them through their open window.

Unfortunately, tomorrow may be his last day of overtime. I didn’t expect it to last long anyway, but hopefully, hopefully, we’ll still be able to give notice come August. I am not looking forward to spending the rest of the summer here as it is, thanks to that damn dog. I know God will pick out the noisiest neighbors just for me once we get to a house, but at least they shouldn’t be able to get this close to us, let alone be attached. I tell you, if I ever want to feel that something up there loves me and listens to my prayers, all I have to do is just get down on my knees and pray for noisy neighbors and it’s an automatically done deal! It sure would be nice, though, if God could agree that enough is enough already, and just let us live in peace. We have enough other issues to stress over. We don’t need neighbor stress on top of it. We have our other lifelong curse to worry about – money. And of course there are my teeth, too. Just managing to survive and keep from getting fucked over by society and life itself is enough of a challenge. We don’t need the neighbor’s cars, dogs, kids, music, doors and other shit on top of it. But I know that unless we get lucky in some retirement community somewhere a million years from now, anyplace we go is going to have some sounds to listen to that are at least a little extreme. This means that if our neighbors throw a party, we’re invited, like it or not.

I wrote 56 pages on the land, nearly 40 in the motels, nearly 100 with Bev, and now 30 since Patty entered the picture.

Later…

As Tom was getting in, I saw Patty leave with Freckles, but sure enough, they weren’t gone long. The good news is that they didn’t set up house in back for a few hours. I saw the dog out twice but never heard it. Next door’s been quiet, too. Just the usual catcalls and that’s it. No serious door-slamming or anything. If it could be like this every day till we move, I couldn’t complain.

The most surprising thing to happen today was the letter I got from Mary. I really thought she’d decided to give me a taste of my own medicine, despite how often she’d insist that it was okay to get mad as long as you could forgive. She said she’d been in a funk and too anxious to write. I let her know that my letters only stopped because I wasn’t hearing from her. I still expect to do most of the writing and that’s fine. Especially since it’s more convenient for me to do so than it is for her. I asked her to try to write at least twice a month.

I’ve learned that I can take or leave people (except for Tom of course), though I must admit that the idea of her no longer reading my stories did make me a bit sad when I thought I’d never hear from her again. I asked if she wanted me to send her a copy of my last book, or wait and see if I can email it to her once she’s out. I told her she could open a free email account at her local library, but it’s going to cost her a dime a page to print. I guess she’s going to go to North Carolina and stay with her brother when she gets out, but she didn’t say when that will be. All she said was that Monster was sentenced in Arizona to 15 years and she doesn’t know what’s going on. But I thought the Arizona case had been done and over with a long time ago. I know this may sound selfish as hell, but a part of me wants her to do a decade in prison because I’m afraid she may be more of a pest on the outs. Oh well. I’ll just put my foot down if I have to. I’ve done it before and by now I think she’s catching on to the fact that I’m not a favor person.

She remembered Tom’s birthday which was nice, and I let her know our 11th anniversary just passed.

She said she hasn’t had Hope’s address for a while because all her letters were returned to her because she wasn’t family. I told her not to worry about it.

She asked if I’d heard from Marilyn, agreeing that she was cool and her laughter was nice, and so I let her know that unfortunately I never did.

I gave her my email address but said we ought to wait as far as giving her my cell phone number which she asked for. I explained to her that my phone was not activated. His is, but we need to save on our minutes. I told her that once she’s officially out of there she can contact me by postal mail or email and I’ll give her whatever number we have then. We might switch plans. There are other plans now that are cheaper. She doesn’t sound as if she’s getting out anytime soon, or else she’d have given me at least an approximate time frame, wouldn’t she?

I filled her in on all that’s been going on here between my tooth, the sweepstakes, the submitting of my manuscript, the overtime he’s getting, dying my hair, the neighbors, walking to the store, him riding his bike and saving on gas, us having more money and planning to rent a house for a year in September, then leaving the state after that, and that here it is barely more than a week from July and we’ve finally, finally, got a real summer! Hopefully, it’ll stick around for more than a few days, too.

What was funny was that she asked me what China’s population is since she’s already freed 251 million souls from purgatory. I don’t know how she’s come up with that figure, but she sure has been busy! Tom and I don’t believe in purgatory, but it’s okay that she does. It gives her something to do. I let her know that China currently has just over a billion people. It’s one populated country! Glad I don’t live there. There is no such thing as “rural living” there.

I told her that when we walked by one of the motels we stayed at the other day, I looked at it and said to Tom, “It’s hard to believe that the girl in there who cried for hours on end as she lay on those rock-hard beds, feeling hopeless, helpless, wanting so badly to die, feeling so much hatred and anger towards God, was me.”

TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2005 Patty’s out watering now while on her cell phone and not doing a damn thing to stop the dog from barking. The dog’s been barking at the cats now for ten minutes yet she won’t do anything. She just lets it bark on and on. Well, I’m not going to worry about my music if this is going to be the case. I can see this is going to be the shitty part of having the weather stay as nice as it is today if it truly is going to stay this way. She’s going to be out there with the damn dog every afternoon and God knows how I’ll sleep through it. A few barks yes, but not if it goes on and on like that. It’s literally against the corner wall of the bedroom. I really appreciate her watering our side of the yard, but I’d appreciate it more if she could take responsibility for keeping the dog quieter. I have to be on days come August if we give notice then and I hope to hell we do! It’s like, damn God for seeing to it that I always, always get shit like this next to me! Damn Him!

A part of me wishes it’d rain like hell till we left, but that’d cost us more money. It’s a no-win situation either way. Tom says she’s a nut for being so obsessed with watering. Yeah, she’s a nut alright. She’s considerate enough to water our side of the yard, but does she give a damn about us being annoyed by the dog? Or about annoying next door? Of course not. If it’s true that what goes around comes around, then Patty’s not going to like whoever moves in here next, though that rule doesn’t usually apply to me. If anything, I’m the one that’s been getting this shit since ’92 no doubt for singing too loud on my swings as a kid when the old lady next door was out tending her garden or some stupid thing like that. Meanwhile, no one’s going to give Patty a taste of her own medicine since it’s me she’s giving the medicine to. If I were anyone else, then maybe she would be in for trouble come September, but we’ll see. I’ll know who it is if they have the person see the place before we leave. I’m very good at reading people so I’m sure I’ll be able to get a good sense of what they may be like.

MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2005 Got a surprise in the mail yesterday. An anniversary card from Marge with her usual cheap $25 check enclosed. I really thought she was going to blow us off since anyone with sense would’ve sent cards and money for both the anniversary and his birthday before either one of them came around, and not for just one of them after it happened. It made me wonder if she wanted us to think she’d forgotten us, but Tom doesn’t think so. Yeah, she probably lacks the mentality to plan like that. Well, she spared herself from one hell of a nasty letter, though if my book gets published I am going to let her have it gently via email.

Meanwhile, we’re not going to cash the check right away. We’re going to let them wonder if we even got it, then Tom will write to them once we move and let them know we finally got a place.

I also got a letter from Paula. She used a stamped envelope and not one of mine, but it was nice hearing from her. She said it got up to 90º there and that Justin’s turning 14 next month and is going into the 9th grade. Some guy woke her up at 3 AM and she was pissed. She got sunburned at a CT beach and had to see a doctor. Other than that, she thanked me for her birthday package and said she hoped we were well. She asked how our weather was here. Not good. Not good at all. However, it may get to the mid-70s today. It wasn’t nearly this cool at this time last year. It warms up, then it cools right back down. It’s turning into the summer that never was.

I’m getting a coupon for Hawaiian Fruit Punch for doing a survey, so they say, and I printed a coupon for a perfumed evening wash product from KY Sensual. It looks like it may not only smell good but it’s got oil in it which should leave the skin softer than regular body washes.

I just don’t think I’m going to win any of these sweeps at this point. Tom thinks I will and I hope he’s right!

Next door was quiet yesterday and so far today too, though it’s early.

Later…

Patty really gets on my nerves at times! Today she let the dog bark for a few minutes before she finally came out and did something about it. It’s those fucking cats that are the main cause of stirring the dog up. I heard her talking with them briefly. And why does the dog always have to wait till we get back from a walk to go off? Can’t it do its thing while we’re gone?

We went to Burger King because I was starving after veering off track for too long, once again, like a fool. I’ve been trying to get back on track since Saturday. I’ve got to work harder at not over-bingeing on Fridays so I’m not dying of hunger the following days.

I’m not sure if it was a promotional thing they gave to all the entrants or just the winners, but I got a CD in the mail with eBook excerpts at one of the sites doing contests. They’re pretty boring. It’s from a teen site. I checked the site to see their winner’s list, but they don’t have one. This is a start, I guess you could say, though I’d really like to win something we want or something that can be sold. I’ll offer it for a quarter at our yard sale, though I doubt anyone will want this CD. I’ll just ditch it if no one wants it.

They hired more people at work which tells me that they want to cut back on the overtime, which also tells me that he doesn’t have much more of it to look forward to. I guess it will depend on how badly God’s determined to keep me boxed in here between the dog and next door’s doors.

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2005 I heard next door as late as after 10 PM. Between high school graduation and Father’s Day, I’d say it was a special occasion. There were at least half a dozen people over there. Hopefully, this will be the only party they’ll throw while we’re still here so I don’t have to be a part of it, too.

I tried calling Paula once yesterday and twice today, but she wasn’t there. Her kid answered and he doesn’t sound like a kid anymore, that’s for sure. Anyway, as I told her in the letter I’m sending, I’d rather we just keep in touch by mail because we can’t afford to go losing too many minutes of phone time.

My tooth is ¾ gone. The molar next to it appears to have a huge black cavity. I doubt there’s a molar in my mouth without a cavity of some kind. I just hope they don’t take forever to break up and fall out.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed or bored, but I feel empty inside at times. Like I’m lacking variety and excitement in my life. I guess I’ll go work on my story. I don’t really feel like doing that right now, but that’s all I’ve got at the moment.

SATURDAY, JUNE 18, 2005 We just got back from our walk to the grocery store. It’s a pretty chilly day, too. I can’t believe it’s mid-June! They’re using their fireplace across the street. This isn’t good for the electric bill, but it’s keeping next door inside. I think they may’ve woken me up at 3:30 last night if it wasn’t a very loud car stereo, the mother-fuckers. Always gotta be woken up by something, though I can’t deny that I’ve slept better here than in Maricopa, the mountain, or the motels. Maybe that’s because something wants me here.

I lost more of that tooth. This time the back part broke up. Guess I don’t need it pulled after all. That’s good because I not only don’t want God knows how many hundreds of dollars going into my mouth, but all the dentists here are only open Mon. – Thurs. and most aren’t seeing new patients. Tom did talk to one who said they’d work me in if I had an emergency, but hopefully I won’t. I haven’t had any pain and we’re thinking that’s because the tooth died. We’re also back to thinking that that was the reason for the ear pain after all. The filling popped out, the root got exposed and maybe even infected, then it died off. They can all drop dead for all I care!

Tom got me a lobster yesterday from the grocery store and it was quite good. It was a good-sized lobster, though even the biggest lobster doesn’t have much meat.

He also got to the Fragrant Flame today after all. They had a so-so selection, he said. A little better than Jan’s. He got incense, a few candles, and Angel oil. This Angel doesn’t smell like Bob’s or SOS’s. The sticks are great, from what I’ve sampled so far, but I don’t think I’ll get any more candles. They just aren’t fragrant enough. I mean, they smell better held up to your nose unlit than they do lit.

Then again, next door’s not so quiet after all. They’re out blasting a radio right now, but it’s mild compared to a car stereo. It has no bass in it. It’s heavy metal music. But what would they be doing out there now? It’s chilly! It still pisses me off too, even if they aren’t that noisy. Why does God want me listening to other people so damn badly??? Why is it so important to Him??? Why can’t we ever live in a place where we don’t have to be a part of our neighbor’s day-to-day life? Why can’t we NOT know what’s going on with them? We don’t make them a part of our lives.

We’re still hoping to bail out of here come September, though I don’t know that we’ll necessarily find a place quieter. It won’t be the end of the world if we can’t since it’s still quiet most of the time around here, though we’ll at least be detached from others and that’s the biggest thing right there. Unless we end up next to the same shit we had in Phoenix, I doubt I’d have someone’s doors this close that people constantly go in and out of.

Later…

Now we’re shooting off bottle rockets next door. If only Patty wasn’t stuck to us! I’d annoy the shit out of them with my stereo! See, this is what I mean when I say that God not only protects my perps, but he also makes sure I can’t give people a taste of their own medicine. Maybe it’s a good thing, though, cuz the music may just make them noisier. And these aren’t the kinds of people you can ask to quiet down either. I can tell that. Doing that would only stir them up more. You wouldn’t be slamming doors that often and in the middle of the night if you had any respect for those around you. These are people locked in their own little world that would be very upset if anyone tried to intrude or change them.

FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2005 Well, it looks like we may not be out of here in 3-4 months, but should I be surprised? You know God wants me living squeezed in with others and I knew things would start coming up to steal the money we’ve been saving. I was eating popcorn when all of a sudden I started crunching on a piece of tooth. The front part of my first molar on the left broke off. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me before, but Tom has. He had two teeth break up, but having a phobia of dentists, he just let them rot. He got some wax yesterday since it’s a bit rough, but given the location of the tooth, it keeps falling off. I’m okay without it, though.

Today at work he’ll be contacting dentists at lunchtime to see who may be our best bet. Fortunately, I’m not in any pain, though I’m sure they’re going to want to pull it. That would be nice because that’d be one less tooth to have to play Fill It with.

It’s frustrating because all I can think is – something doesn’t want to let us out of here, and it doesn’t want us buying little things once a month like DVDs. Every single fucking time we start to get ahead, something just has to come up. Watch, the next thing to eat up more money than we anticipate will be the truck. There goes that incense I wanted to try this weekend, too. He says most of the overtime he’s been getting will help, and while the overtime certainly is a good thing and is better than nothing, I hate to see him have to work extra hours just so that the money can all go into my mouth. A part of me is considering just letting the tooth decay on its own. My teeth get worse and worse so I’m only going to lose them all eventually anyway. I figure that when I do, we’ll either be making more money and enough of it to cover the cost of dentures, or we’ll be so damn poor that the state will pay for it.

THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 2005 Today’s cloudy, damp and cool. To need heat in the middle of June is insane! Never did we need heat at this time back east. How I wish I were at the beach there if only for an hour or two! Then I’d jump right back here to the state that’s almost as bad as the New England states.

At least this kind of weather keeps next door quiet. Yesterday I was headed in to pee when I heard the chick tell the guy, “You gotta wait for it to heat up,” which told me they were going to barbecue. So I shut the window to keep the smoke out and then they lit a firecracker. The kind that whistles for a few seconds and ends with a pop. Fortunately, it was just one.

Yesterday, however, was perfect for walking to and from the Black Bear Diner. We both got the special which was the sirloin steak. It was a little tough but nice for a change.

We had a little scare there for a minute when he started having an allergic reaction to the cucumbers in his salad. Fortunately, he only had a little bite because his throat started to swell shut. A little more might have suffocated the guy!

His coworker who lives nearby honked at us on the way down. Someone we couldn’t see honked on the way back and Tom jokingly said, “Someone you know?”

I said, “Oh, sure. It’s my secret girlfriend that only comes around when you’re at work.” Sometimes I wish I had one for real, though it wouldn’t be worth the trouble she’d probably cause, and like I said before, I may still feel guilty even though Tom and I are just friends. And I’m not stupid either. I know no bed will magically change things. We had beds in Maricopa and that didn’t seem to make us want to get it on much.

Sure enough, not a damn thing from the queen in the mail. Not even an email message. This means that she could be waiting for his birthday to send something, though I highly doubt it. I’m almost positive she won’t send shit, but that’s okay. I will! We’re not as broke as we were last fall, so we can live without her cheap $25 anniversary check just fine. It’s worth it just to tell her off and get their blood boiling, and believe me, what I have to say will do just that! They’ll be fuming 10 times more than all the times they’ve pissed me off and offended me combined and I don’t care if God punishes me for it since it’s never okay for Jodi to anger people while it’s perfectly okay for others to piss off Jodi. They’ll hear from me just as soon as I hear from the publisher. If they by some miracle accept the manuscript, I’ll want to do a little bragging before I let them have it. They make me sick. They really do. I’m usually pretty good with reading people, though these are just about the last people I ever thought would turn out to be so selfish and uncompassionate. And I know they’re not failing to send anything because they lost the address since they do have our email addresses. If they cared enough to send anything but lost the address, they’d email us. They’re not sending anything because they don’t want to, but this doesn’t piss me off nearly as much as it did when they sat back on their pampered little asses while we were homeless and did absolutely nothing to help us but write to brag about their wonderful new purchases and accomplishments.

Later…

I have been quite depressed today, believe it or not, missing some things I never had that I once wanted, yet still grateful that I never did get them. I can’t believe I’m this bummed out over him after all these years. I haven’t talked to him since the last time I lived on Woodside Terrace in Springfield and that was around 1990. “His” name was Mike M. He was my music teacher in high school and I know he knew I liked him. I’m sure most of the girls did. I can’t believe I never wrote about that final talk we had when I called him 15 years ago. I checked my New England journal and couldn’t find any mention of his name, so maybe I called him the first time I lived on Woodside which was before I began a journal. I mentioned sending him the wacky letter I sent 5 years ago in the Maricopa journal, though. I see that I was pretty vague about him in my autobiography, so I’ll now do up a detailed entry of Mr. Michael M, the one and only man I truly desired. I hate to say it, but not even my initial attraction for Tom, which quickly wore off, came even close to the magnitude of my crush on Mike.

I was only in the real high school for the last part of my freshman year and the first part of my sophomore year, so I didn’t know him for long. Mike was 25 at the time I met him and I was 15. He was the masculine version of Kate Jackson, probably the biggest female crush I’ve ever had, LOL! He was tall, dark and handsome in every sense of the word. He married a student named Daryl who was a year older than me. I never met her, so I couldn’t even say what she looks like. Today Mike would be 49 years old.

I think I dreamt about him the other night and that’s what may’ve triggered these memories of him, not that I ever did forget him. It’s so weird. Here I am jealous of a woman I never met. She got the man I once wanted. She got the child I once wanted. She got to go straight from school to a nice, comfy home in East Longmeadow and then Longmeadow with love and money at her side and then a family, while I went through one loser after another and struggled my ass off. Lust certainly was never meant to be for me the way it is in my fantasies. Anyone I wanted didn’t want me and all that was available to me were those I didn’t want. So with my loveless, lustless life of poverty and my so-called true friends, it seemed she was getting it all while I was going all kinds of wild places. The only problem was that they were all leading to nowhere. Yet at the same time I have to wonder, would I have been happy if I had nabbed him and somehow managed to have kids? If I’d been the one to have him, would he have tolerated my inability to keep a schedule? Would I be happy still stuck back east? Would it have even lasted? Are they themselves still happy? Have they ever cheated on each other? Fantasized about others along the way like I have no matter who I’ve been with? Either way, I know that if I could snap my fingers, jump back in time and be the one to be his wife and have his kids, I wouldn’t do it because nothing could replace or equal my love for Tom and his love for me. The only problem in this marriage is that it’s lustless. I’d rather that than all kinds of other problems like I’d always had in the past. If I could get a buck for every problem I had before meeting Tom, I’d be rich. We were off to a rough start with me wanting a child, needing to get off the cigarettes, then dealing with the damn freeloaders and their tormenting us, but now look how few my problems are compared to then and especially compared to back east. My worst problem right now is that we have no sexual desire for each other, we need more money, and we’re living in the wrong state. I’ve been through many changes, places and adventures, both good and bad, as an adult. Meanwhile, I’m sure Mike and Daryl are doing the same thing they’ve been doing ever since – going to work, then coming home to the responsibilities that family brings. Still, I have to wonder – what makes some of our lives so different than others? Why are certain things meant to be for some of us that aren’t meant to be for others? Daryl went on to have the kid she wanted with the one she loved while I went on to just dream about it. Why did Tammy and Larry get to live in nice houses in nice neighborhoods while I had to live in various apartments in the slums? Why did I have to struggle while everyone else in my so-called family got to live comfortably? Who’d have thought that all these years later I’d be so pissed about that? I guess the only reason I wasn’t at the time was that anything I could get was heaven to me after being in Brattleboro, Valleyhead and Dureen O’s house.

I don’t know, maybe Mike and Daryl have had a million problems along the way. I mean, could they really be that happy all these years? Maybe he beats the shit out of her. Maybe she’s become fat and ugly and he no longer desires her. Maybe she wishes they’d never had kids to come between them. Maybe they do struggle financially. But why did God deny me true lust? I guess it’s better than being denied true love, but why? Why was it important to Him that I never experienced an attraction I could actually act on that went as far as Kacey did, but that never came close to comparing to the young Kate or Gloria or Linda or Mike or Mary C from Valleyhead or Norah M from the Harley hotel? Why did He want me to be teased with Teddy Bear? I was more attracted to her than anyone else who was ever attracted to me in return. We almost were, but never were. Why is that? It was almost as if God was saying, “See? You can be attracted to someone who’s attracted to you too. You just can’t have them!”

Like I said, it’s just so weird. I’m so depressed that I want to bawl my eyes out. I know it’d make me feel better. However, Tom will be in anytime now and I wouldn’t want him to see me crying. What would I tell him when he asked why I was crying? That I was missing my high school music teacher and wondering what his life was like these days? The one I had a huge crush on and was devastated not to have gotten? The one who gave me my first taste of loss and rejection, even if he never meant to hurt me by ignoring my advances?

I’d be a total liar if I didn’t admit there was/is a definite pattern of rejection in my life and that I am not, under any circumstances, meant to have anyone I lust for. I can get close to flirting with them like I did with Teddy Bear, but other than that, all attraction must be completely non-mutual. I can think of numerous people that rejected my advances, other than Mike. There was Mary C, Norah M, Nissan and Rosemarie from the Phoenix apartments, etc. Meanwhile, all the ones I could’ve had like Fran, Nervous and a million other losers, I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. I wonder why this rule was laid upon me. Not that I’d ever want to be without Tom, but if I were suddenly single, I’d never in a million years even bother to approach anyone I thought was hot. I’d either learn to settle or just be alone because I’d know that’d be all I could do.

Oh, the fantasies I’d have about Mike! While stuck in that miserable house with those miserable people called my parents, I’d fantasize about getting out of school one day and going straight to his house or apartment, wherever that was, and waiting for him to get home. He’d let me cry on his shoulder and then he’d make me feel so much better by cooking us a nice romantic dinner while I took a nice hot bath in his Jacuzzi tub. We’d chat, make love, and I would move in with him and we’d live happily ever after.

Other than a 5-minute attraction for Don Johnson back in the 80s, he was the only one I was very attracted to. What does he look like today, I wonder? Probably put on some weight, got some gray hairs. Would I be attracted to him still if I ran into him right now? Probably not. I think that once we get over 40, most of us just aren’t very appealing.

That damn spider just won’t die. The huge one that’s between the living room screen and window. It’s as immortal as the queen, even though I keep spraying it.

I can still hear her TV next door, but it’s not as loud. We’ll be out of here in 3-4 months anyway and I can’t hear it in the bedroom.

I wonder if we’re about to have the same problem with the internet connection that we had around the time Bev moved out because I couldn’t get online for a while there.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2005 Today marks our 11th anniversary and 1 year in the wrong state. At least we got out of Mexico!

We plan to go out to eat when he gets off work which could be after just 8 hours since they went and hired new people. That pretty much tells me he’s not going to get much more in the way of overtime, but hopefully, if they can afford to hire new people, they can afford to give him a decent raise once he hits the 1-year marker at the end of July.

Meanwhile, Patty’s taken to blasting the shit out of her TV. It’s not as loud as Bev’s stereo was in that it can only be heard in the living room and not throughout the entire place, but even if we do have just 79 more days to go here, that’s 79 days too many to listen to that for 6 hours a day, so as soon as it starts up, and I know it’s going to be a regular habit of hers, I’m going to go over there and have a little chat with her. And while I’m at it, I’m going to see if she wants first dibs on any of the knickknacks I plan to try to sell at the yard sale we’ll have.

The dog was barking up a storm in front just now and when I looked out, I saw a young woman standing in back of the van which had its hatch open. I was hoping that for this chick to be there so early that she was helping her prepare to go on a little vacation, but I couldn’t get that lucky. If she’s going to go away anytime, it won’t be while we’re still here.

I’m going to wait and let her have her usual slew of morning company, then I’ll go over there as soon as she cranks up the TV which should be around the mid-afternoon if she follows yesterday’s pattern.

I almost wish I were on nights again so I don’t have to listen to people’s shit around here. Why, why, why is it so damn important to whatever’s up there that I hear other people’s shit??? This noise curse is never going to be broken. Every single neighbor of mine since ’92 has had something going on with them that I’ve had to deal with. Every single one of them! Why don’t I just be noisy myself? Then I can at least deserve what I get from them.

Where did this chick come from so early in the morning anyway? I can’t see well past the van, but there doesn’t appear to be any other vehicle in her driveway but hers, so did she pick this chick up? Did the chick walk here? Is she perhaps staying with her and the one who went blasting the TV?

The van is still there, but now the hatch is closed and there are no people in sight.

It’s days like yesterday that make me think that Bev was the better housemate. Look how many times I’ve had to hear the dog as opposed to Bev’s grandanimals.

Later…

Now the van is gone and the pickup is here. Right on time, too. Next comes the dog, and after I have to listen to that, the pickup will leave around 11:00.

Later…

The pickup left an hour earlier than usual and I haven’t heard the dog in back or the TV yet. She didn’t start with the TV till around 3:00, so we’ll see how the rest of the day goes.

Meanwhile, I can’t wait for him to get home so we can go out to eat! If he’s going to get a couple of extra hours, though, it would have to be today. That way I’m made to wait even longer and we end up eating with the dinner crowd. At least the restaurants here don’t seem as bad as down in Arizona as far as unruly kids go. Every other time we ate out in Arizona we had to do it to the tune of screaming kids. At least there are not as many kids up here, though all it takes is one to ruin the occasion.

Later…

Well, I talked to Patty. I asked her if she got a new TV or something and she said a friend of hers adjusted the TV set’s controls and made it bassy. We talked for a good 10 minutes or so about a variety of things and I even patted Freckles. She really is a beautiful dog. Her coat is nice and shiny and soft. She said it’s a corgi and her third service dog. Also, she agrees it’s not cool to leave dogs outside unattended and says that if she has her outside for any length of time, she’s with her. Even when she had a German Shepherd, she kept it indoors. I explained to her that in Arizona they tend to leave their dogs outside and asked her if that was customary in Sacramento. She said she wasn’t familiar with that city, but said they were strict about animals, so maybe that’ll be a good thing. Then again, “strict” may only mean no-letting-it-loose-without-a-leash and not, don’t-let-it-bark-outdoors-round-the-clock.

I told her we were going to do a swap meet or yard sale before we left in a few months to rent a house before we can move to California and that I thought she may want first dibs on some of the knickknacks I don’t want. She said she was still broke from moving in here and wouldn’t have any money for a month, but that she definitely wanted more plants. I gave her my puzzle since we only paid 75¢ for it and she said she needs things to keep busy (she was about to take a nap, supposedly from sheer boredom), and it looks like she may buy my spider plant, but not for another month or so when she has more money. So I let her know I’d catch her out back in about a month, and if she’s still interested, she can have it for $20. I doubt the pot and the plant cost me that much, so I’m making a bit of a profit, unlike most things we sell. If she talks me down to $15 or so, that’ll be okay because plants aren’t my top priority in life as opposed to dolls and smells. I’ll definitely be keeping the date palm, though. I looked in my Maricopa journal to see if this was the queen or the date, and from what I read, it’s the date. It usually gets to be 25’ - 40’. I can’t believe how much it’s grown here. I wonder if it’ll slow down in California. I doubt it. I think it was whatever evil lurked on the Maricopa land that interfered with our plants, both indoors and outdoors.

She said it took her years to adjust to this climate when she moved up from Southern Cal in ’68 and doesn’t even run her heat until it drops into the 30s. Well, I’m not about to stick around long to adjust to this shit! There’s simply nothing for us here. This is a tiny, nothing, going nowhere town. While I don’t miss Arizona, I miss how we lived in a rural area yet could get to big cities in less than a year. Still took long enough, though.

Patty’s thinking of planting some flowers in back where they cut a tree down last Sunday.

She’s also thinking of getting a house through the FHA. Those on disability or who are low-income qualify. I told her we were looking forward to an old house that we could fix up to our own liking.

I mentioned that we started watering the yard in the mornings and she said it would be good for us to rotate weekly so it doesn’t get as expensive as it would for just one person to do it. I didn’t tell her that Tom’s only watering our side.

Even she can hear next door’s doors, but only when she’s sitting out back.

Anyway, Patty may not be perfect since we do still hear the dog a few times a week and she does slam her door, but she could be worse. One thing’s for sure, though, and that’s that her place stinks like hell! I could smell the cigarette smoke wafting out the back door, and her hair looked ridiculous. She’s got roots as dark as my hair is now while the rest of it is bleached so blond that it almost looks gray.

The rat’s running around loose now. I’m keeping the roll of Rolaids Tom had by his bed up on the table. He tried to run off with the whole roll yesterday!

We’ve got what’s the biggest spider so far that I’ve seen in between the front screen and window. It’s a big fat black crab spider.

TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 2005 Tom got to work overtime yesterday, so that’s $20 extra.

Patty got her usual morning company so Freckles got to get tossed out back. The fact that it was out there barely 3 hours after the first time it was out confirmed that she was getting it out of the way of the company. It gave a few barks, laid down for a minute on our patio, then as I figured it would, it barked a few minutes later to be let in because she was too lazy to stand at the door and wait for it. That’s okay, though. We’ll be out of here soon enough and she and her dog will be the memory that Bev and her grandanimals now are. We’ll still have to listen to shit wherever we rent a house, but we won’t be attached to anyone! In fact, the money’s doing so well that we may be able to move as soon as September rather than October or November.

His boss was all excited about Oregon being the next state quarter to be released that he gave everyone at work one. Tom said they were all making fun of him for making such a big deal of it. It is kind of strange.

Later…

That’s 4 times I had to hear the dog. Sometimes I want to run over there and say, “Enough is enough!” Now she’s got a second visitor. What is it with all this weekday company? I just don’t get it. Why do these people need to come and see her so often? She hardly seems that helpless or disabled (at least not from the neck down). She has no company on the weekends, which is weird. It’s always during the week. With most people, it’s the weekends that they have company. I wish she were like most people since there are more days during the week.

Anyway, the last two times I heard the dog was in front, though it’s getting old either way. I don’t usually hear the thing this much and if she could stop with the company, that’d really help. It’s the afternoon now, so she’ll probably take a break from the visitors soon enough. I hope the next person in here either has a dog of their own or doesn’t mind hearing it because I know whoever they are will be home all the time. Almost everyone in this area is. I just wish she’d quit with the company! If only she didn’t have that damn dog! She’d be close to the perfect neighbor, but you know that any neighbor of mine has to have some flaw.

Tom’s going to check out that new store called The Fragrant Flame this Saturday. Hopefully, the owners won’t have a death in the family or need to run to the hospital because their kid got in an accident or something.

Meanwhile, I feel like life is nothing but one big waiting game. Right now we’re waiting to move into a house. Then we’ll wait till we can move to Sacramento. Then we’ll wait till we can buy something. Then we’ll wait till we have the money to fix it up, and so on and so forth.

Either way, in about 80 days I’m never doing the house-sharing thing again! No more of this getting thrown back in time and into situations I thought I’d forever escaped! I’ll never live attached to anyone ever again even if they’re in a coma.

MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2005 I’m awaiting the Michael Jackson verdict, though being a rich famous black male, I’d say it’s rather obvious that he’ll get off just like they always do. If he doesn’t, he’ll be in a country club of a prison for 5 minutes and then the blacks will riot up a storm and we whites will have to be the ones to suffer again.

Will we get money from the queen, or will it get a nasty letter from me? Just a few days to go till we find that one out, though I’m going to wait and see what they say about my book before sending anything if she does fail to care to send us anything. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did blow us off. As I’ve said before, if you don’t care if your kids are homeless, why would you care about their birthdays or anniversaries?

I was going to wait till Paula decided to write, but then I said what the hell? I may as well send her a letter while I send one to Bob too, to see if he’s still alive. Next weekend I’ll be calling her.

Later…

Sure enough, another black walks. I’m sure he had an all-black jury, too. The whites ought to riot this time and beat the shit out of anything black that walks by. See, this is why I hate God and have absolutely zero faith in Him. What kind of a good God lets an obviously guilty child molester walk while I had to lose all kinds of freedom and money for exercising what I thought was my right to free speech against my own tormentors? It just makes me hate Him and the blacks of this world even more. Damn them all to hell! He’s going to really molest kids like crazy now. Especially since he knows he can get away with it. I think he always knew he could, but now he really knows it. The only way he might not have gotten off being as rich and as famous as he is would be if he were white, female or both. It’s so, so obvious he truly is guilty, too. Why would so many people accuse him if he weren’t? And of course his fans were cheering like crazy when he left the courthouse. I heard not one “boo” as he left, and I don’t know who’s crazier, him or his fans. And would the fans be so damn dedicated and loyal to him if he suddenly killed little boys right under their noses? I’m sure they would, and I’m sure he’d still get away with it, too. Tom thinks he walked cuz of money, and while I do believe that was a factor, I’m still pretty sure the root cause came down to race. It’s been this way since the 90s and God only knows how long it’ll continue to be. The blacks and the noise are the only two things I’m not looking forward to down in Sacramento, and while there may be more blacks there than in Arizona, hopefully it won’t be like Springfield had gotten to be. You couldn’t even walk down the deadest of streets there without seeing a black the last time I was there. By now there are probably more of them than whites.

SUNDAY, JUNE 12, 2005 The dye faded a couple of shades after the initial washing, as usual, but that’s why I always get dye a little darker than I’d like. There are still some gray hairs showing, but that only makes it look more natural since even 20-year-olds have a few strands of gray here and there.

Barb, at the publishing company, emailed me to say they just verified that my book isn’t spam. Because I had no text in the body of the email I attached it to, it came up as spam. Meanwhile, she says they should have an answer for me in about 5 weeks. Either way, she’s still going to reject it. I know it’s not a bad story, but it’s like with the singing, I’m better than most, but not better than all.

Later…

Next door was out gabbing, but I don’t know why. It’s not that nice. It’s only in the low 50s.

All I heard so far from next door was a few bumps and bangs and just one soft bark. That’s usually a prelude to an all-out barking fit, but not this time. I still worry she’s going to leave the thing out there all day if it ever warms up for good. As it is, it’s getting a little Arizona-like. I could see that when we went on our walk yesterday. More dogs are decorating more yards. Anyway, if she does start leaving it out, I’ll just go over there and let her know that in case she hasn’t noticed yet, leaving the dog out for long periods of time, means more barking.

I’m so tired of having to deal with other people’s dogs, and I hate it when other people’s kids interfere with our plans, too! That’s the main reason I don’t want any kids. Tom went down to check out this new incense store he saw advertised in The Nickel, and it was closed due to graduation.

I’m not surprised I still haven’t heard from Mary and I know I never will. I should’ve trusted the part of me that said not to bother writing to her because I always did say she was using me and that most people aren’t what they say they are. In other words, her insisting she was big on playing kiss and make up was nothing but bullshit. At least I got some stamps and stamped envelopes out of our brief reunion. What is a bummer is that I never heard from Marilyn.

I decided not to bother losing more weight. I know I could, but I don’t want to because it’s simply too much hunger for too long of a time. All I’m going to do is maintain my weight and that can be enough of a task as it is. My main goal is to save money on groceries and keep fit, not lose weight.

Meanwhile, Doe and Art O should have a lot to discuss with Tammy B and vice versa. Unless their addresses are no longer current, they each got very similar and very long letters from me. I used Mary’s envelopes to mail them in and mailed them myself when Tom was at work last Tuesday. I walked up to the second cluster of mailboxes. That one has an outgoing mail slot. Ours doesn’t because the duplex is a two-in-one residence. I mailed them in secret, knowing how paranoid Tom gets. It’s not that he would try to stop me, even though he may say it was a waste of time, but I know he’d be like, do what you have to do.

In the return address area, I simply wrote my name and the town and state. I didn’t write with any desire to reunite at the moment, and I probably never will want to reunite with them because their money just isn’t worth it, although I did give them the impression that all was suddenly fine and that I would write regularly.

As for why I did it and what I said, well, since Mary was paying for it, I thought I’d play with them a bit and stretch the truth into a little BS, just in case there ever is an opportunity for me to get any money out of them. Meaning that if there’s some chance they didn’t cut me out of their will, though I’m pretty sure they did, I don’t want my last words to them to be as nasty as they were. What I did may help in the future, if there’s any hope of getting any money to begin with. What I mean by stretching the truth is that I told them we lost our house, which is true, but rather than say it was because they fired Tom for not being a religious freak, I said it was because the old neighbors terrorized us and caused us to have to enter the witness protection program. I know they know about jail and that we moved to Oregon because they always have to know what’s going on with us, but I gave the jail saga a happy ending. Never did I use any racial slurs, but I let them know I’ve come to hate blacks and Hispanics more than they ever could and told them what happened. The only part of it that was fabricated was the part about entering the program. I also said that we have an eBay store (we once did) and that I’m selling dolls and incense and was able to keep doing that along the way. I told them we had to leave most of our belongings behind which is true. I also told them about the pictures that got published and said that my book was accepted and that it’s being edited and typeset, again, partially true, though I doubt they’ll accept the book. I said that we’re no longer in touch with his mother because of the way she used us and doesn’t care about anyone but herself (true) and that she’s been instructed to tell people we moved out of state, and not mention us entering the program. Well, she certainly wouldn’t do that if they did call/write to ask her about it! I told them what I like/dislike about Oregon, versus Arizona, and that we have plans to move to Sacramento. I told them I always did love visiting California (true), and that we even met Kate Jackson when she was signing autographs at a convention center (maybe that will be true someday)! I told them I still have too much animosity towards Larry and that I did not write to him, and by now I’m sure he’s dumped them all for good anyway. I can’t think of anything else of significance that I mentioned, and I didn’t save the letter. Oh, I mentioned how some of the DOs liked me and that they made my life a little easier, etc. I explained that I couldn’t give them an address or a phone number until the people who framed me, as well as others, were caught (I told them I exposed them to the media).

See, the object was to get in touch with them in a way that they would like, but that wouldn’t require us to play nicey-nicey, and the only way I could think of was to fabricate the program story. Without it, they’d wonder why I wrote a seemingly nice letter and failed to give them any contact info.

The only other things I remember telling them were trivial things like that I still like to sing and have pet rats, etc.

I told them that we were driven up here by FBI agents and US Marshals, using the places we really did stop at; the miserably hot truck stop in Arizona, Barstow, Merced, and Willows. I also said we spent time camping on the mountain in an RV that the program provided, then we were in hotels, then a furnished duplex, mostly true stuff.

I don’t know if they’ll believe it, but it doesn’t matter. Especially if they do plan to leave any money, and that’s going to be a lot more likely with a letter like this than the last fuck-you letter I sent them when we first got to Maricopa.

SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 2005 I’m dying my hair brown/black right now. In 5 minutes I can rinse it out. They’ve gotten better at keeping it from stinking so bad. Let’s just hope I covered it well and that it doesn’t fade too fast. Patty’s dog just went off at the cats and she came out in her nightgown to fetch it. When is she going to realize that she can’t leave the fucking thing out there or else sooner or later it’ll find something to bark at? We took our walk earlier and it was cold for starters. I can’t believe it’s mid-June!

THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2005 What’s weird about these sweep sites is that they have links to discussions that aren’t even related to the sweeps at all, like the one where everyone’s bitching about a woman being released from a funny farm after just 8 years for stabbing her young son over 100 times because she thought he had AIDS (and let me guess – God’s gonna make sure she’s pregnant again real soon!).

My monitor is trembling at times. God’s really determined to fuck with this computer seeing that we don’t own much else!

Patty had her usual morning company – the dark blue car and a fiery red pickup, but I heard no barking other than what came from inside her place.

Next door laughed back and forth a few times in the early evening, as usual. I heard a girl and a guy the last time around.

I’m on a roll with my current book Unusual Circumstances.

I can’t get used to 1000 calories a day, so I’m going to keep the weight and jump back up to 1200.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2005 Good news at Tom’s job – we hope! They’re talking about overtime starting next week, and extending into July. He doesn’t want to return to the 12-hour shifts, but he’d sure like to do 10s. That’d certainly help us get out of here. If there was any barking or banging today, I slept through it. And without the earplug, too. It’d still be way nice if I could live somewhere where all I needed was either just the sound machine or just the fan when sleeping in the daytime, but as long as I have to live this close to others, it’s not going to happen.

TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2005 Still no wins. Hmm. This is making me wonder if it’s not meant to be. After all, people are winning up to a dozen things a month. They’re small wins, but they’re wins nonetheless.

Tom and I both think the book will get rejected because it could’ve been better. That’s the problem with writing; no matter how good of a book you write, someone’s always got a better one. Something like that hardly seems meant to be for someone like me anyway, but at least I gave it a couple of tries and won’t waste my time trying for years as I did with past goals/dreams that weren’t meant to be. I think I’ve been doing what I was meant to do in life – live a life without lust while I wish we could have more money and quieter neighbors.

Tom made room on my C drive which is small compared to my D drive. He also had to glue one of the reflectors back on his bike that fell off, and while we were at it, we reglued Falling Star’s wig which had come off.

The weather’s been miserable. It’s keeping things quieter, but it’s also keeping me cold and the electric bill higher. All the heaters have needed to run day and night lately. Tom said that although they didn’t stick, there were a few snow flurries around lunchtime. We’re only going to be in the low 60s for the next week. Meanwhile, MA is in the 80s. Even so, the only thing I miss back there, especially now, is the beach. I’m definitely looking forward to not putting myself out on account of others anymore. Meaning, just like Tom said he wouldn’t spite himself by dumping his BOA shirts, well, I’m not going to stay in a cold climate and shiver my ass off just because people can’t shut up in warmer climates. I’ll fan them out, play music, whatever it takes, as long as we don’t have freeloaders for neighbors.

Patty had her usual morning company. Someone with a silver car this time. I could hear the dog barking through the wall, but that was not as loud as when it was in back. I wonder how the hell she can stand to have so much company when all the dog does is bark at the people she has over.

We didn’t think people would have yard sales on such a busy street as this which you can’t park on (though you can park on side streets), so if they can do it, so can we. We’ll wait till we get closer to moving, though, and if summer could ever get here and stick around for a few months, that’d help, too. I’m sure Patty and even Mom and daughter would come check it out. I only heard them go slamming back and forth once, that’s how much colder it is. It was 33º this morning when he left for work.

MONDAY, JUNE 6, 2005 Here’s something that ought to prove just how small this town is. A coworker of his said they saw us walking on Saturday, then someone else saw him on his bike on Sunday when he went to do the laundry.

According to his birthday gadget, I let him get with the extra money, it’s 3.9 miles each way to work. He’s burning just over 400 calories, counting both ways. His average speed is 12 MPH.

I’m now down to 124 pounds. I now know for sure why I was not only putting back the few pounds I’d lost but why I wasn’t losing more than a few pounds in the first place. It’s simple. I was overeating on the weekends and not cutting my calories low enough on diet days. So now I’m free to lose as much as I’d like. The question is, how much do I want to lose? Not that I’d want to go as low as 90, but I could go that low and still fit into most of my tops, dresses, socks and some shorts, but all else would need to be replaced. Having been heavy for years, I didn’t think I’d ever be thin again so I threw out all my small-sized clothes. I still don’t know for sure that I’ll lose a significant amount of weight, but if I do, Tom says there’ll be money for new clothes. Except for bras and underwear (though I shouldn’t need bras as much if I can deflate these 38C titties), I can get clothes at thrift stores or department stores where they’re cheaper. I never felt the need for expensive designer clothes.

I’ve learned that if I can just get through the first 3-4 days when I start a diet, I’ll get used to it. The drop to 1000 calories from 1200, which I did two days ago, was easier than the drop from 2000 to 1200. The only sucky thing about it is that if I do lose weight, I can never have more than about 1200 if I want to maintain it.

Only one soft yip out back and that’s it for today. Of course, having gotten up at 5:00, who knows what barking and banging might’ve gone on throughout the day?

SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2005 It was cooler today, so it put a damper on next door’s hanging outside and going back and forth, but we had to hear from the dog twice. He heard a couple of yips that I managed to sleep through, then the thing took a fit after we got back from our walk. It was barking at someone in the house on the other side, then at something in back. Just when I was wondering if she was going to do something about it, she came out and got the damn thing. She’s just too damn lazy to stand outside with the beast.

We didn’t hear any banging, but I thought I heard what may’ve been someone knocking on Patty’s front door, then I heard a bang that was louder, but nothing that’d wake me up.

Tom feels that attempt number 3 to get into a house should be no problem. If he’s right, then we’re out of here in 119 days. We hope to stay in this neighborhood since it’s a nice one, but we’ll just have to see. As long as it isn’t connected to anybody, I’ll take it!

I know no bed is going to be a “magic cure” for us and make us interested in each other sexually, so when I finally do get a bed, I’m going to have to let Tom know that while research says couples should talk this out, I know sex isn’t something he likes to discuss, unlike every other guy in the world, and that rather than make him or myself be something we’re not, we should just forge ahead with the attitude that we’re going to continue on as friends. Or maybe we’re just not right for each other anymore. It’s just that I can’t imagine life without Tom the person. Tom the person is wonderful and so much fun to be with. Even I have to admit that giving him up wouldn’t be worth an occasional piece of ass. A woman is no more meant to be now than it was in the past, and it’d just kill me to give him up. I’d be losing so much more than I could ever gain. I’d miss him so terribly and I’d always wonder and worry about him. The thought of life without him is a very depressing thought, so maybe it really would be okay to leave things as they are. We’ve been doing just fine since before the sickos got me thrown in jail, so I don’t see why we can’t keep going as we have been. It suits us well, it’s what we’ve come to know, and it’s what we’re comfortable with.

Later…

Tom said it was so quiet today that he doesn’t even know if she’s over there. All I heard since getting up at 4:00 was next door slam back and forth a few times. Part of that is due to the weather. It just won’t stay warm. It’s almost like it’s fall again. Tomorrow’s supposed to be only 47º! I hate this state. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned in Oregon it’s to not assume any future dreams are impossible. I only assumed living in California was an impossible dream because just about all my other dreams were impossible. If anything, experience has taught me that if I want to go one way really bad, I should go the other way instead if I know what’s good for myself. Trying to undo what’s meant to be only gets me in trouble, as well as trying to make something be that can’t be.

I’ve decided how I’m going to handle his shit of a mother depending on what happens. If she cares enough to remember our anniversary and his birthday while my book gets rejected, she won’t hear from me at all. If she acknowledges our anniversary and his birthday and the book gets accepted, I’ll gently let her have it, probably by email. If she fails to send anything, whether or not the book makes it, I’ll blast the holy hell out of her via postal mail.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2005 They obviously aren’t locking up cuz I heard them play musical doors till 9:30. I need to improve my spells. I really do. Here’s something pretty fucked up. They’re saying that by Monday we’ll only have a high of 52º and a low of 32º. So we’ll be freezing in June! This may make it more peaceful around here, but it’ll also jack up our electric bill. If they reject my book, I may use one of the benefits that’d bring and maybe write a story set back in the 70s when Kate was doing Charlie’s Angels and have her have a relationship with some chick. So it’ll be a romance with the hot-looking bitch of Charlie’s Angels. I’ll have to use my imagination and throw in some surprises along the way, but I’ll mostly have her be nice at times and a bitch at other times so that just when you think she’s gonna stay nice, she goes and does something mean.

FRIDAY, JUNE 3, 2005 For the millionth time, why can’t we get neighbors like us? Why do they all have to have some kind of annoying flaw(s)? Is anybody else as quiet as we are??? Next door has taken to banging. They fucking woke me up a couple of hours earlier than I planned on getting up, and Tom heard it while I was listening to music. He said he’s not positive it came from them, but the question is, is this going to become a regular habit? If it’s what I think it is, they’re going to drive me crazy. Crazy enough to swap rooms with Tom. I’m thinking that for some reason they may’ve gotten in the habit of locking their doors and are now knocking when they want to be let in. Either that or someone who lives nearby started visiting them by going into their backyard and knocking on their door. Tom thinks someone was hammering. Other than this banging thing they’ve started, I haven’t heard from them till now, their prime time. They’re out gabbing in the back, but I can’t hear them with the fan on. I’m just so glad they’re not as loud as blacks! Still, there’s nothing more frustrating than wanting to bass them out but knowing I can’t cuz we got Patty living with us. Besides, this isn’t Arizona where they’d simply go inside if they found it annoying. They’d run and complain to Pam.

Meanwhile, I’ve only heard the dog barking by the front door when she goes out to get something from her van or to water the yard. She just set up a sprinkler. First she did the back and now she’s working on the front. I’m sure I’ll hear the dog barking in back by Sunday. I never get to go more than a few days without hearing it, and she’s practically taken up residence in the backyard. And I thought Bev was out there a lot! What I wonder, though, is this: Has the dog barked while I was asleep and managed to sleep through it? Or has it just not happened to bark while I’ve been asleep?

I still don’t know why they need to see each other 50 times a day. What daughter would want to see her mother that often? Most would never want to live this close to their mothers. Especially when they’re young. If anything, they can’t wait to get out and on their own, away from their mothers. Like I said, God always has to make sure whoever’s closest to us does something annoying.

I wonder if the Sacramento people are like Arizonans who consider complaining a mortal sin, or if they’re like Oregon and MA where they’re quick to do so? If I had to choose, I’d hope they’d be like here because I’d like to be able to speak out about something that annoyed me without the risk of being jailed or killed for it, even if it meant I was more likely to be complained on for blasting my music.

I just hope rural Sacramento will at least be comparable to Maricopa, minus the sonic booms and hunters. That means we’ll get music and barking, but the barking won’t be loud like it was in Phoenix. I hope not, anyway. God knows how many people will come knocking on the door there too, but oh well. Hopefully, we’ll have a doorbell because then they’ll just ring that. If there’s no doorbell, though, they’ll knock on the door. I’ll also make sure the bells aren’t right outside wherever I sleep. Maybe, just maybe, we can fence at least the area around the house, but I won’t count on it. We couldn’t fence around Maricopa or on the mountain, but I’m glad we didn’t! It would’ve been such a waste and we lost enough money as it was.

I love it around here once we hit 10 PM. At that time Patty’s gone to bed and next door’s unlikely to be hanging out or going back and forth, so it’s nice and peaceful.

We have to remember to check the military base locations when we go to buy a place, and the hunting areas, too.

I hope they don’t have the your-land-is-my-land attitude that Arizona had. I didn’t think it was right for people to drive over other people’s land or to allow their animals to roam through it. They did this in Phoenix, too. I remember the Frisbee game Tom had to break up in our driveway, as well as the father who decided our driveway was a great place to teach his daughter to ride a bike. Oh, the stories we’ll have for years to tell others about Arizona!

They’re saying that by Monday we could be in for a high of only 52º and a low of 32º! I can’t wait to be back in a warm climate! After living in the desert for so many years, even 70º seems cold.

THURSDAY, JUNE 2, 2005 Today I got to wake up to someone’s stereo either on a side street in back or from inside next door’s place.

My weight still won’t budge, even though I’ve been stuck for a few days now. I haven’t been stuck this long since I took those anti-shit pills on the mountain when the lack of sleep was making me sick. It’s like my body simply does not want to lose weight. I go through this every time I try. Maybe someday I’ll learn that I’m not going to lose weight. If I were, I would’ve lost it by now. If my body holds its weight this easily, then it obviously needs it. If I keep up the low-cal diet it’ll only be because it saves money.

After nearly a month of sweeping, I haven’t won anything yet, though I’ll give it till we move. I don’t know why I don’t see a house here in Oregon when it’s so obvious that that’s where we’ll end up for a year, since I doubt we could get a 6-month lease. That’s okay, though, because we couldn’t save up in just 6 months anyway. As long as we’re not attached to anyone or have someone’s doors so close to us that come and go constantly, it’ll be okay, even though I’m not looking forward to another winter here. I know we’ll get barking, screaming and stereos, but at least we shouldn’t get all the other stuff and I can blast my music and have a little more privacy in a yard that belongs only to us.

I’ve been unable to keep the heat off at night for the last few nights. It’s either sunny and cool, or warm but cloudy.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2005 Patty really makes me want to strangle her at times. Better yet, she makes me want to take a bat to that damn dog of hers! After I got up at 2 PM and was trying to wake up in peace with my coffee, I could hear the dog barking by the back door to be let out while she had her usual weekday visitor. The dog came barking out. A few minutes later it gave one bark as if to say, “Okay, I’m done. Let me in now.” When no one came to the door, it took a fit. So did I. I stomped madly and swore in the utility area, so that maybe – maybe – she’ll get the hint and start supervising the damn thing more! I’m getting sick of this throw-the-dog-out-back-and-forget-about-it trip she’s been on. She’s not the only one who lives here.

Why must I always get neighbors with something going on with them? There’s always something – noisy kids, barking dogs, blaring music, etc. Why can’t we ever get with someone as quiet as us?

We’re still not sure if she put the dog out yesterday because she took off and maybe thought she’d be gone longer than she was, or what, but we’ll do whatever we need to do if it gets worse. I used to hear it every few days, but it’s been escalating lately. A part of me wishes it was cold and snowy. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave the damn thing outside. But that would also cost us nearly $200 more a month and hinder us from getting out of here. Since I don’t expect to win enough money, if any at all, to get us out of Oregon this year, we’re just going to have to settle for a year’s lease in a house, but that’d sure beat staying here another year, which would be plenty of time to save up enough to get out of state comfortably. In the meantime, ah, to be detached and to have a yard all to ourselves, even if the next yard is still too close with a dog barking in it, and I know God will make sure I get next to little kids, barking dogs, blasting car stereos, or all of the above. It really sucks, this ongoing noise curse, even if it’s not nearly as bad as Phoenix or the NHA because we have enough of our own shit to deal with. We don’t need to deal with other people’s shit as well.

At least we’re not as broke as we were last fall! For a while there I seriously doubted we’d even survive those tough times. It was so stressful and depressing! We’re saving money while still having a life while we’re at it, despite what the neighbors sic on us. Tom’s been letting me have $30 a month for fun while he takes $10, mostly for scratch tickets, but this month I’m having him take all $40 for our anniversary and his birthday. I’m still trying to put off my teeth as long as I can till we’re at least out of this duplex. In a couple of months, we should be able to join one of the DVD clubs and get the upgraded radio version that’ll allow me unlimited song-skipping, unlimited usage, and no commercials. I’ll also sign up for a month of Webshots, but just a month. That way I can go back and get the premium pictures I’ve been missing. I figure there’s no sense in paying every month when I can just pay every 6-12 months and get what I’ve been missing.

Although not as bad as in Arizona, my allergies were acting up earlier, so I ended up taking a 3-hour nap after taking some Benadryl.

Later…

Today I got to wake up to next door going back and forth like crazy. They still are, though some of the banging I’m hearing could be car doors from across the street echoing between the duplexes.

Meanwhile, I’m still sweeping away but have yet to win anything.

With the way Mary used me, I can’t say I’m bummed that she quit writing, but I can say I’m bummed I didn’t hear from Marilyn. A thought crossed my mind about Mary. I still say it’s more likely a case of her giving me a taste of my own medicine since I won’t be her slave, but it could be that instead of going home around now, she’s really going to prison for a decade, and is too depressed or embarrassed to write. They’re really cracking down on wimpy mothers who don’t protect their kids. A woman just got sentenced to more than a decade for delivering a stillborn baby after cocaine was found in her system. I’ve been reading up on countless cases just like Mary’s where they’re going down for many years for failing to protect their kids. You just don’t allow someone to kill your kids these days and walk away after just 5 years.

I’ve been dieting for a week and a half, but have stopped losing weight. I immediately dropped from 130 to 125 in a few days, but I’ve been there ever since. I’m not surprised. I do hold my weight really well. There’s no way I’m going under the 1200-1300 calories I’ve been having. It’s just too hard. At least there’s no way I could gain this way and it’s saving us money. I’ve been stuck for two days and am due for my period, so this might be a factor in why I stopped losing, but I doubt it. I just don’t lose weight. Period. Not other than just a few pounds, that is.

[rametarin]

I'm not sure if this translates to the modern day, or not.

Back in the 80s and 90s, the idea of culture being removed from race was not quite in the discourse as commonly as today. The difference between black people and Black People, for example. If you said anything negative about any group of people and tried to pawn that off as being about, "an uncomfortable aspect of culture," you would absolutely be stuck in the "horrible eugenicist racist" corner, as you could not divorce race from culture. Even saying it was culture would get you seen as a crypto racist that focused on imagined biological differences, interpreted as someone that entertained racial supremacist fiction and mental gymnastics, and disregarded. Even if it was something benign.. At least, if it wasn't about white people.

You had mouthy people saying "white culture is just a bunch of short dicked, gun obsessed, paranoid supremacists," of course, and "that isn't racist, because-" [shit reason here.] And of course that crowd is the same crowd that speaks the quiet part out loud today, saying white people are weak, stupid and cultureless, invalid and etc. Though they do try to compartmentalize culture from race, today. For convenience.

But if you spoke about black culture, you'd get mocked as just trying to mask your racial hatreds as intellectualization of bigotry, no criticism of (ethnic) culture was accepted on the basis that you were just one place removed from talking about "smaller braincase size" ala Django Unchained.

Similarly, one of the reasons so many white people would mention how they are not 100% white in discussions with supposed "progressives" (capital P, crypto socialists or communists often), is because what that meant then was different. As before, as today, you have supposedly progressive people running around calling people Nazis and white supremacists and such. They try to expand that umbrella to cover not just actual people with literal Nazi beliefs (which have always been a painfully tiny minority in the west, dwarfed by the KKK types, whom have also never been very numerous in my entire 40 years of life) but anyone they think shares "racist characteristics." And.. come to find out, that's technically most everybody that isn't in their ideological boat. And all white people. Whether old, or even not yet born.

The reason they'd mention they weren't pure white when being accused of crypto Nazi sympathies or ignorance as to the true nature of Nazism, is because that meant in the event of a great big white supremacist push occurring in the industrialized, modern world (kind of the far-leftist equivalent of apocalypse obsessed right wingers yelling, 'THE END IS NEAR.') it meant, they would be put in the furnace right along with the more visible minorities. And they knew it. It was an attempt to argue against this image the capital P Progressive was trying to paint that most of white America were one mean look from a minority away from swallowing any white supremacist propaganda and thinking Nazism were good ideas.

How that got perceived and reacted to by progressives of the day would be to mock those white people that said, "I would not be accepted by a white supremacist future and I have no iron in that fire because of it, so what I say doesn't come from a place of self-interest," would be to interpret that as someone declaring being 1/128th Native American meant they thought they were descended from a Cherokee princess.

Which, to be fair, that WAS some shit a bunch of young white girls were saying when it came to the subject of Native Americans, even in my childhood. But there's acknowledging Tommy the Village Idiot was quoted as saying something, once, and attributing the whole statement and attitude to the whole village he comes from and everyone in it, uniformly.

"Chill out, dude. I'm a quarter Native myself. I'm not a fucking Nazi sympathizer. Stop accusing me of that. That's not where my point comes from, and you need to stop acting like every white person just sympathizes with Nazis if they disagree with you."

Which was a good rebuttal. "I am not a Nazi because in a Nazi movement, I'd be put on the fire" is a reasonable bit of proof of awareness and understanding that, in the event of some sort of cataclysmic white supremacist movement, that'd mean their true loyalties would be misplaced and their motivations for siding with any such movement would be foolhardy and self-destructive. Demonstrating they aren't some mythical figure the far-leftist is talking about, about how a bunch of those white people would also be burnt and don't know it. (Which, if it's not obvious, was a thing they'd often say to explain why people, largely conservatives, "vote against their own interests.")

The hard-left did eventually work out a muttering rebuttal by saying "Ohh, how clichhheeee EYEROLLS, a white person that thinks they're part [minority group here] so that gives them some sort of credibility outside just being a boring, cultureless white person." Their rebuttal trying to create this imagined person that cited their makeup to "prove they're not racist" in a dramatic and deliberate misinterpretation, so they couldn't be wrong.

Which, no. That was not what that meant. But then they started repeating this reinterpretation of events and the interaction between someone accusing another of Nazi sympathies, and the caricature of the guy refuting that with their ethnic background citing, "I would also be burnt to death for being 'impure'" just became a flanderized, "HEY I'M HALF CHEROKEE PRINCESS LOL. YOU CAN TRUST ME I'M NO NAZI."

And caricature successfully imagined, they started speaking to that strawman as if the western world was just full of unawares 1/12th Cherokee Princesses that were too ignorant to understand they were supporting people that hated them. They started telling one another about the false characteristics of this imagined dude and to recognize "I am not a Nazi, I'd also be burned in the furnaces and worked to death in camps" was met with that pre-programmed dogma and derision by the Capital P Progressive (inflammatory hard leftist) and their point remaining unaddressed.

You eventually learn that some of these people don't even believe their own brand, but arguing it in bad faith is kind of what they do to shape the conversation, to try and force people to interact with it in good faith and treat it like an actual valid discussion.

Which takes a kind of sociopathic cold blood that takes getting used to, just to acknowledge it's a thing. These are the weird social guerilla games that've been in place just in my lifetime.