#i think she came out nice here

[thedorfmirrin]

Commission for a good friend of mine of their touhou yuyuko fandaughter oc! 🌸💖💕💕

[moeblob]

Rice. From my plot that's literally just a game of chess. (he's a rook)

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[theirloveisgross]

.

[animelover20]

Me just laying in bed chilling the fuck out:

My brain: do you think doffy gets bad insomnia alongside his nightmares.

Me who's an insomniac that also has nightmares due to ptsd: *few seconds of thinking* he fucking would the poor bastard.. and it's not like anyone can convince him to sleep, what the fuck are they gonna do?

My brain: true..we should write about it.

Me: stop with the false motivation man you do this all the time.. not a bad thought.

[carcarrot]

well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job

[kavehater]

I’ll never understand younger siblings whining about their older siblings moving away like I bet yall were nasty and annoying too like wow all those years and you claim to adore the older sibling and post oh woe is me the older sibling abandoned me … girl … the older sibling didn’t have a parental certificate or anything.

[blackwaxidol]

Ru'thûn is no Osmium royal, she has no common blood with the Hive Gods. she comes from no extant Swarm known to the Vanguard, or even most Hive.

her armour is fluted steel, yet coarse like sharkskin. it is older than humanity, and is so deeply impacted into her chitin that tearing it away would flay her hide. within the fine, granulated crevices of her armour are the perfect growing conditions for fatal anaerobes.

(an old side portrait of Ru'thûn from February 2022. reuploaded from my twitter. feel free to click and zoom in.)

[hella1975]

just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭

[krikeymate]

I think Wednesday and Yoko should become friends.

Yoko is an interesting specimen, on good terms with her sire - rare these days - and snarky enough to keep up with Wendesday, but doesn’t seek to challenge her directly, like Bianca. She also favours black, which instantly makes her more agreeable to be around. Crucially, Enid cares for Yoko, and as someone who also cares for Enid, Wednesday decides that it is her duty to at least be as amicable as she is able with Enid’s bes- othe- previous best-friend-who-is-still-a-very-close-friend.

Enid hates this.

Wednesday doesn’t notice at first.

She’s taken to dedicating her entire attention to Yoko when they speak, determined to unearth and discern every aspect of her and trusting that she can at the very least rely on the vampire to warn if not protect her if danger appears. Trust. It’s a new thing. A very new fragile thing.

It - shamefully - take a week of interrupted conversations before Wednesday turns her eyes back to Enid and a mass of strange behaviours unravel at her feet.

Anger; growls and claws and scowls. Beautiful and unfamiliar and wrong. Enid has developed a short-temper recently, it seems. There’s a bitterness to her, she’s even short with Wednesday, something which throws her entire day out of wack. Pathetic; out of sorts because a girl snapped at her. Her ancestors are rolling in their graves, the next family reunion will be abysmal.

Wednesday is a clever woman however, the cause is pitifully easy to determine. It’s her. As usual, Wednesday is the problem. Wednesday began talking to Enid’s best friend, and now she’s upset. Perfect. Even when she’s trying to do something right, she’s doing something wrong. Not for the first time, Wednesday curses herself for caring at all, and briefly considers actually cursing herself. No, no, the chance of backfiring is too high. She’s an Addams after all, what if she begins to care more. The risk is too great.

So, as someone who has an invested interest in Enid’s state of mind - they live together after all - she disengages with the fledgling friendship. Actually, perhaps she should recede from the social group entirely, the relationship is entirely casual and interaction is hardly regular anyway, but it clearly makes Enid uncomfortable. Yes, that’s the best cause of action.

[spoonyglitteraunt]

Hi tumblr, contrary to what it may seem like I am not in fact dead.

Yay me! \o/

I got covid and that was a doozie (do NOT recommend, please for the love of self get your boosters). It took a lot out of me and very much outstayed its unwelcome. I already have the life of a spoonie. I'm all good on the chronic illnesses front, thanks.

When I finally did start to crawl out of that hole, an old ghost I thought long buried came back to haunt me. So that was fun.

I spent the entirety of November watching a train wreck of epic proportions unfold. In real time. Unable to look away. Unable to decide whether to make popcorn, or to go and get more kindling for the fire. (spoiler, I did both)

Admittedly I hyper fixated to the nth degree, and while I didn't quite forget this blog existed, there is only so much one can keep up with in one go.

For now the wreck seems to have settled into a pile of ashes. It remains to be seen if all that's left is a pile of burnt rusted scrap, or if there is any un-life in it yet. Either way no longer my circus and definitely not my monkeys. Although unwise life decisions are being considered in the aftermath. Status of sanity pending.

Either way, after dealing with my neglected to do list glaring at me menacingly, I finally managed to find some energy to wander back here.

In short, TL;DR: didn't die, yay. Got distracted. But I'm back now. For a given value of back, considering tired and the holidays. Have you missed me? Because I sure missed all of you. Yes even you, hellsite (affectionately).

[orcelito]

Having a Saturday like "most people I've dated have only really liked me for my body and/or a fake personality I've presented, so when they know the true me it's not enough to keep them around. Anyways let's have some ramen for my 2 pm breakfast."

[theheroand]

You have to imagine that they're telling her a very silly pun

Reblogs appreciated! Gan.yu (right) uses she/her! S/I (left) uses they/them!

[jellicle-chants]

oh GOD i just saw someone i'm subscribed to on youtube just released a video about the cats fandom....... i'm deathly curious and also shriveling up into a prune irl

[keepthetension]

been in the Bad Brain place lately, so i've been struggling to finish writing about why chef mhon's character makes sense to me, because of

a) the long-term effects of the WORLD SHAKING trauma of your life partner abandoning you AND of being unable to feed yourself and your children b) being unable to process said trauma much (if at all), as you then hit the ground running to make a living in the aftermath (in a new city with no support and with who knows what marketable skills) c) the stigma of being a divorced woman in a society that will blame you for being the reason your marriage failed in the first place, and will also blame you for any way your children step out of line d) the difficulties of achieving success as a working mother when employers see women as flakier, less-worthy hires, especially in a male-dominated industry

and how no amount of money or stability will ever seem like enough, and how difficult it is to trust anyone plus how easy it is to see everything as a potential danger to the stability you fought tooth and nail for, and how it makes sense for a traumatized person who never had the time and support to work through their trauma to project all kinds of things onto their kids

but apparently she just kinda. walked it off?

[sysig]

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