#i think its basically just people with depression who are like force-resetting their takes on every stranger by looking at everyone with li

[bitegore]

there's this like strain of take on ~human nature~ that is like "everything is so hard and bad all the time and i am miserable forever but everyone is so fantastical and lovely and i have paper-thin skin and everything hurts me because i care so much about everyone else" and i truly do not understand it. i don't think i will ever understand it. it's always very pretty and well-written and it feels like i'm reading someone talking about fucking aliens lmfao

[memeticsdivision]

For the ask game (feel free to pick and choose) 1, 3, 11, 19, 24, 25?

i like this ask game a lot so ill do my best to answer all of these!

(it gets long so answers are under the cut)

1.) how would you describe the world your story takes place in? essentially our world, but like the universe of scp. supernatural, paranormal, and anomalous things exist but are hidden behind a veil of normalcy. a big part of that, for example, is that ideas and concepts created or held in collective belief by people can be given shape, form, and become real (i.e tulpas and thought-forms), which is the in-universe explanation for things like ghosts, some cryptids, and other paranormal things.

as it relates to moratorium, reality is a very prominent aspect of this world, since because concepts and ideas can become real, reality is a malleable structure. reality benders are humans (humans is a dubious way to refer to them though for numerous lore reasons) who are able to directly impose their ideas and beliefs onto reality and make minimal to major changes based on whatever ideas they have for it. there aren’t a lot of them, and they’re very, very rare, which is why the universe hasn’t collapsed because of a catastrophic change yet, but fenris is one!

3.) any recurring images/elements? mannequins, fire, rain/thunderstorms, dereality, and ofc time loops

11.) give a general summary of the plot/world/characters. oh jeez its really hard for me to summarize things SDHGFJHSDFG so ill do my best

the story goes that, on the night of the death of fenris’ parents five years prior to the start of the game, several things went wrong. there was a fire that started suddenly, someone in the home with them that shouldn’t have been there that night, and the fact he was the only one who survived. five years later, he’s an adult now (just turned 20). he is chronically depressed, burdened with years of unprocessed childhood trauma, cannot relate or connect to the world around him, and is desperately trying to be normal while having reality bending powers that he hates since they remind him hes Not Normal and have basically done nothing but ruin his life.

part of getting older and out in the real world though is that he’s starting to process how messed up his life has been. and he does not like it. so he starts rapidly repressing and compartmentalizing all of his issues and trauma so he doesn’t have to think about it anymore. unfortunately, his powers give that trauma a place to go, and he creates physical manifestations and representations of his personal demons and fears that are placed in the town he stayed following his parents death, port rosnu.

one of those manifestations, cernunnos, is very unhappy with being created as a copy of him but exclusively all of the parts of himself he hates and all of the trauma he worked to repress, and starts reaching out to him in his dreams to lure him back to port rosnu. eventually it works, and when he gets there, he learns several awful truths he spent years trying to forget. he also accidentally creates a time loop that resets whenever he dies which keeps him trapped there, forcing him to face everything hes repressed and everything hes done

tdlr: a severely mentally ill orphan with an emotional detachment from reality has reality bending powers. mistakes ensue

as for character summaries i’ll keep these short but basically:

fenris (he/him) the protagonist. a reality bender with a fucked up connection to reality due to heavy childhood trauma and like no motivation to do anything in life because he’s spent all of it running from his past, said trauma and how it affected him, and Himself (aka he has wildly rampant self loathing). has one million issues and disorders

cernunnos (they/it): the literal manifestation of those one million issues and disorders. a copy of fenris, but specifically all of the “bad” parts he doesn’t like about himself, who goes insane because of all of the trauma they got forced onto them and, since they cannot kill themself, decides the only way to be free is to kill fenris since he’s the one who made them

mor (she/her): a recreated version of fenris’ deceased abusive mother but specifically of how he wishes she was, nicer, more loving, and more accepting. unfortunately, she’s also a literal monster. she fully accepts her identity as his mother and is VERY obsessed with him and the idea of reuniting with him, but has also come to the conclusion that in order to make a happier family, she needs to kill him in order to reunite all of them in death and also so she can have him by her side forever and she will never have to lose him ever ever again.

19.) describe the sillies you think about but that dont go in the story. pre-plot shenanigans amongst the denizens (aka the monsters in the story, including mor and cernunnos). they didn’t have much to do so in my head its like a sitcom where everyone hates each other. but in-canon its not like that

24.) best scene youve written? i haven’t written a whole lot in the land of google docs, but probably fenris meeting cernunnos (hopefully ill finish it soon e_e)

25.) best scene you havent yet written, but have an idea for? i can’t really go into heavy detail since that requires lots of plot details, but the finale.

[sophiamcdougall]

So, there’s something I think is missing from the Booker Discourse and the focus on anger vs forgiveness, and whether Booker’s “punishment” is too harsh and who’s responsible if so, and its absence is beginning to slightly disturb me and it’s this: They don’t punish Booker. At all. 

No, really.

It’s one of the things I really like about the film -- how compassionately it treats Booker, both on a narrative and on an inter-character level. In most genre films wrongs against the good guys are usually settled with riproaring vengeance, even if in some the hero conveniently gets not to be the one to enact it directly.  But in the moment Booker’s betrayal becomes clear, character beats we have taken for mere melancholy click into place as heartwrenching grief and suicidal depression. We’re encouraged to grieve for him. We see Andy and Nile’s empathy for him. We see Nicky urging Joe to stop shouting at him even before they yet have any hope of escape. We don’t see a  moment of explicit compassion/restraint from Joe, but he does instantly put aside his anger to accept Andy’s decision that Booker’s coming with them, and does nothing to sabotage that choice. (In fact, it’s unthinkable that he would, but in plenty of action films it wouldn’t be.) And I agree with some of the arguments I’ve recently seen – the intensity of Joe’s fury isn’t necessarily a measure of how long it would last.

And then, as I say, they don’t punish him.

They don’t beat him up. They don’t work off steam killing and re-killing him. They don’t leave him for Kosak, or for the police. Of course they’d never do a full Quynh on him but putting him a box for ... a year? Six months? A week? It would be an option. They don’t do that, either.   

They simply stop hanging out with him. And they have the extraordinary grace to promise this won’t be permanent. And Andy, whom he shot in the back, sees him off with a goodbye hug.

I’m seeing a lot of debate about whether Joe (hotheaded, passionate) vs Nicky (still waters run deep) is The Angry One and which one of them might, by contrast, have been totally fine letting Booker back into the group immediately. I think you can plausibly headcanon the first part of that various ways. Personally I think Nicky would take a more severe line than Joe, although, as I’m about to argue, I don’t think that necessarily has to mean he’s “angrier”.)

What I don’t think you can plausibly headcanon is that either would actually be “fine” taking Booker back immediately, or any time soon.

Now I want to preface this with pointing out that anger is a completely natural and appropriate response to being hurt and whoever is The Angry One out of Nicky and Joe, has every right to that feeling. And to be fair I don’t think that’s really being disputed. But there does seem to be the idea that The Situation  – Anger = Everything’s Fine Now! And I do think it’s slightly ... victim-blamey, like the barrier to HEA isn’t what Booker did, it’s how long the people he hurt retain one specific emotion about it.  Whoever’s angriest is being staggeringly generous to Booker, and the result is 100% compatible with their not being “angry” at all. It’s compatible with “forgiveness” having already taken place. Just for a minute imagine writing to ... Captain Awkward, or Dear Prudence or Reddit Relationships. And explaining that your friend placed you in the power of people who wanted to hurt you, deliberately exposed you to very serious danger and your worst personal fear, and caused you to watch your partner trapped and in pain for somewhere in the ballpark of 48 hours ...  BUT, he is going through some very bad shit, guys, and you really do feel for him. Imagine what the response would be.  (”My friend wanted to commit suicide-by-cop, so he planted weed/guns in the car with me and my husband in it and called the police, although he knows we both have a particular phobia of cops after what happened to another friend who was arrested a while back. Oh and he attacked our other friend, because he wanted to be totally sure the cops would come for him, but he only meant to knock her out not to nearly kill her and he’s depressed and very sorry. I still want to put our friendship on a break. AITA?”)  They would yell at you to oh my god get away from him WTF how is this even a question please get some therapy learn to love yourself. 

And if you repeated that he’s really sad! And it went down worse than he thought it would! And you don’t want to hurt him! they would yell that it’s not about hurting him it’s about protecting you.   Just ... think about it. Imagine you’re either Joe or Nicky. Assume your anger has already completely evaporated, whether you think that’s in-character or not, and imagine you feel truly sorry for Booker. Take the most generous stance on what he did that you can. Fine. But every time you turn your back on him, or see him go off on a mission alone with one of the others ... how do you feel? Even if you don’t think he’d actually do this again, do you feel safe? 

 And imagine trying to recover from the trauma of what just happened to you. Imagine how much it would help to take refuge in all the soft, “family” touches which were also such a refreshing distinguishing feature of this film. Gift exchanges and bets and TV and hugs. Imagine trying to do that with the person who put you through it right. there.

 Nicky and/or Joe could honestly wish Booker no suffering at all, nothing but recovery and healing and peace, and Booker would still be a walking PTSD trigger and working/socialising with him would be downright self-destructive. 

Now, of course this is unpleasant for Booker because he’s already lonely and self-hating and it’s difficult -- though not necessarily impossible! -- for any of them to form a support system outside the group. But that really isn’t the team’s responsibility and, what is really the alternative? 

Maybe it’s being framed so much as “punishment” because Andy says “there has to be a price.” And there does; the consequences of Booker’s choice will unfold in some way whatever they do. The team do not have the option of simply resetting to normal, even if they wanted to. The only question is only who carries the weight of those consequences and how. Should Nicky and Joe have to pretend to feel comfortable around Booker, should they force themselves to go through the motions of friendship – hug him, smile at him, pass him a coffee – while their shoulders go up around their ears whenever he’s in the room, regardless of what that means for their own healing?

The injustice of that should be obvious but even if they did it, even if they made that colossal sacrifice for the person who just hurt them, would it really help Booker? Imagine being him and settling down to watch the football beside Joe and knowing what he likely remembers whenever he looks at you. Honestly, I don’t see that being a healthy path to recovery for him either.

Or OK. Maybe they don’t put on an act. They  keep spending time with him, but they don’t try to hide the nightmares and the flashbacks or the way their smiles drop whenever he comes into the room. Maybe they flinch whenever he gets too close and sometimes they yell at him but they all have to put that on hold every time there’s a mission and somehow they also they try to be his therapists?

I don’t know, it sounds a lot kinder to everyone to just get some fucking space.

Not hanging out with someone who gravely hurt you isn’t punishment, it’s basic boundaries and self-care for you and I’m beginning to worry about what it means that many of you don’t seem to know that.

[unwiltingblossom]

(1/2) I think the reason why Seven is love blindly by the fandom is 1- Reset theory and 2- Suferring. On case number one I have to say that every single character breaks the fourth wall somehow, which means that reset theory could be applied to everyone. In fact, if you take the previous games in consideration Seven is probably the bad guy. (Even though I don't think Dandelion or Nameless have a relation to mysme anymore, Another story crushed my theories hahahaha).

(2/2) On case 2, I have to say: Everyone who measure another suffering is an ass. Yes, Seven was abused by his parents. He has a dark past as a hacker. But his suffering doesn't make the pain of others invalid or non-existent. It annoys to see people saying that "Zen's problem is just being too beautiful, Jumin problem is just being too rich", and then saying how Seven has a bad past. His bad past don't  make him a perfect human being. He still have flaws and sometimes they should be acknowledge

---

Disclaimer: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking 707, anymore than liking any of the other boys. Discussing this subject relates to liking him to the exclusion of everyone else, dunking on everyone not 7, or assuming everyone likes him best!

1 - of course, Reset Theory is bad and people who honestly believe it’s in any way canon should feel bad. As you said, everyone breaks the fourth wall here and there. 7′s particular trope and humor benefits most from making fourth wall breaking jokes, but even he doesn’t joke about the reset theory concept, because it honestly doesn’t make sense. Games with canon reset theories are written accordingly. Mysme isn’t.

1.b - It’s a shame things like ‘Seven as the bad guy’ aren’t explored by the fandom. Since there’s a clear villain already no one bothers, but it can be fun to play around anyway.

2 - Like you said, everyone has suffering in their past in Mysme, and it’s pretty ridiculously unfair to only respect 707′s. Zen’s mother rejected him when he was young specifically because he was unusually beautiful. In the end he was forced to run away from his parents to pursue his dream of being an actor, and in return they disowned him to the point where even after his good end he still hasn’t repaired his relationship and can’t get his family’s blessing to marry his girlfriend. Jumin has been used and abused by everyone to the point where he thinks a neglectful and unbalanced relationship with his father is healthy and good, and Yoosung is suicidally depressed over Rika. Only looking at 707 because he arguably handles his suffering worst is a disservice to everyone else.

2.b - If we wanna reduce character suffering to ‘cursed with awesome’, 707 is a literal secret agent hacker man. Sure he has a tragic family backstory,  but now he’s basically a nerdier James Bond.

2.c - I’m pretty tempted to do a list of 707′s flaws and bad behavior that exist outside his route, honestly, It often seems like people only acknowledge that he’s a jerk on his route when he goes full “I’m a super jerk to push you away and you must be patient and push through’‘, but he’s honestly pretty terrible to all of his friends. Especially to Yoosung and Jumin.

In fairness, I think part of the “707 is perfect and my perfect match” stuff comes from him being an lololepic memer randomdude type (when he’s wearing his fake happy mask) and that makes him #relatable - I don’t know if anyone’s done statistics on it, but it wouldn’t surprise me to find that 707′s fanbase skews younger (I know there’s tweens who play the game despite its....risque scenes) and that’s why they connect with the concept of chatspamming and saying obnoxious memes in an attempt to be obscure.

....Actually, I wonder just what the age ranges skew toward for preferred routes, and what the routemate/content indicates about a player’s preferred fantasies.

[dynamite-derek]

My top-10 games of 2018

It’s that time of the year where you are flooded with lists of the best stuff from 2018 and I’m no different. Originally I was going to just make a list of the top 10 games I played in 2018. I even had a giant list I was updating throughout the year. But one day my phone randomly reset and I lost that list. So, business as usual this year. Maybe next year. 

Before I start with the numbered list, I’d like to note a couple of games that won’t be appearing for various reasons.

Games I liked a lot but haven’t played enough of to place on a list like this: Into the Breach, Dead Cells

A critically acclaimed game I haven’t played: God of War

I don’t want remakes on my list, but these games were really good: Shadow of the Colossus, Yakuza Kiwami 2 and Spyro Reignited Trilogy

Ports aren’t eligible but I like these a lot too: Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze, Shenmue 1&2, Hyrule Warriors and the PC port of one of the best games ever, Yakuza 0.

Okay, let’s get started.

10-) Red Dead Redemption 2: Actually had to debate between this and Pokemon: Let’s Go Pikachu for this spot. Ultimately I chose this game because the narrative is spectacular. Well that and the fact that Let’s Go is sort of a remake. This game absolutely nails atmospheric storytelling and creates one of the most interesting protagonists in AAA gaming. This game does a lot of things well, but the actual gameplay portion is...pretty mixed. I didn’t have fun with the open world at all and most missions involved long bouts of horseback riding with dialogue or ambient music. But RDR 2 does everything else so well. It also knows when to go all out. Every major mission in the game is memorable for one reason or another, especially with intelligent usage of music. It’s a game I will never play again, but despite some problems with the gameplay I can safely say that I enjoyed my time with it.

9-) Mario Tennis Aces: This game was a lot of fun. I wrote about it earlier in the year and my opinions on it are still the same.  Even though the gameplay is fairly simplistic, every match against another human felt unique and different. You have to learn the styles of your opposition and adapt. It’s like a fighting game! The online gameplay was also pretty solid. I felt pretty damn good whenever I would win a tournament. Really, Smash Bros. Ultimate would have done well to borrow this mechanic in some way. The only real problem with the game is that there is just a major lack of content. The heavily advertised story mode is barely worth playing and the cups, well, you might as well be playing against an unmanned player 2. I haven’t touched the game in a while, so this might have been fixed via update. As I said a few months ago, this game could have been a masterpiece with a bit of extra fine tuning.

8-) Dragon Ball Fighter Z: This game feels like it was made specifically for me. I have a lot of love for the Marvel vs. Capcom games and even more love for the Dragon Ball franchise. The game is easy to approach for newcomers to this type of game by keeping the inputs simple and having very easy to pull of auto-combos. You won’t do too well online if you stick to the auto combos, but it’s a good way to start and learn how to play. I think a lot of people could start with Fighter Z and transition into more complicated fighting games, which is exactly what you want with a game like this that will attract many people who might not otherwise play a traditional fighter. Oh, and sometimes it looks like you’re playing an episode of the anime which is insane. The story mode is pretty tedious at times, which is a let down, but Fighter Z is an absolute blast to play and is easily the best playing Dragon Ball game yet. Hopefully season 2 of the DLC goes less heavy on all the Gokus. 

7-) Mega Man 11: The blue bomber returns! It’s been a long wait, but after playing through both collections last year and then the X-collection earlier this year, I was ready for Mega Man to get back into the spotlight. It’s a little hard to get into at first because the level design seems pretty tied into the main new mechanic, the gear system. Basically the player can slow things down to a crawl or boost Mega Man’s power. If you just play this game like you would any other Mega Man game, you’re probably going to throw your console out the window during Tiki Man’s stage. Once you figure this out, the system adds a unique flavor to the Mega Man experience and feels like an actual new Mega Man. I love MM9 and 10, but those did not feel like new games. The only thing that I didn’t like about this game was the music. Which, uh, is weird for a Mega Man game. Here’s hoping they get it right in the inevitable Mega Man X9. 

6-) Marvel’s Spider-Man: I don’t particularly like super hero movies and I haven’t enjoyed a Spider-Man game thoroughly since the first PS1 Spider-Man, so you wouldn’t normally think this game would appeal to me. But it absolutely does. The gameplay is outstanding and combines an improved version of the swinging scene in Spider-Man 2 with a combat system that is fairly similar to the Batman Arkham games. I recommend playing the game on hard because, while it’s hard to get used to, it makes every encounter feel unique. You constantly have to adapt to what the enemy is doing. You can’t just mash on the attack button and then press the dodge button when the dodge prompt comes up. 

The story is also interesting throughout. It has my favorite interpretation of Peter Parker I’ve seen in a while and has a pretty enjoyable cast of characters. Really Mary Jane is the only character I didn’t like and even with her, there are moments that hit home - specifically the text exchanges between MJ and Peter. The game is littered with references to past Spidey adventures and just feels like a giant love letter to fans of the hero. Can’t recommend it enough.

5-) Celeste: I didn’t know what to expect with this game. Sometimes I feel very leery of when a bunch of people prop up an indy game too much. Gone Home a couple of years ago told a pretty mediocre story that was held up as some form of high art. Just didn’t get it. So I went into Celeste wanting to not like it and came out fairly surprised. The gameplay feels like a better version of Super Meat Boy and the narrative tells a pretty compelling tale about depression and how to come to terms with yourself. I even don’t mind the pixel art. I am getting sick of indy games going for the retro aesthetic, but when combined with the great soundtrack it’s hard not to love what it’s presenting. 

The game is simple enough to complete on its own. I would argue that anybody could do it as long as they keep at it. But for those platforming veterans, the game also offers a heavy challenge. The B-side and C-side levels will test your skills and remind you of some of the most challenging bits of hard platforming games like Super Meat Boy and I Wanna Be The Guy. Basically, come for the compelling narrative. Stay for the wickedly difficult and addicting gameplay.

4-) Yakuza 6: I believe I enjoyed this game far more than most folks. It told the end of Kazuma Kiryu’s story. It had some problems along the way but my god did I enjoy the ride. The cast of characters surrounding Kiryu in Hiroshima are all great and one of the main characters is Beat Takeshi. It also has a ton of things to do and see. I love the clan wars sidequest featuring New Japan wrestlers, I love the baseball manager quest, I LOVED becoming a regular at a bar and getting to know everyone in it like I was playing some sort of weird Cheers game, I even loved the adult cam chats that came with wacky dialogue. This game is full of charm.

I haven’t mentioned the gameplay yet you might have noticed. That’s because, well, it’s a new direction for the franchise. It focuses on allowing more people to fight Kiryu at once and as a result feels less refined than recent entries Yakuza 0 and Yakuza 5. I am excited to see where they take it in Yakuza 7, but I would be fibbing if I suggested that I felt 6 plays as well as previous entries. Still, the entire Yakuza package is compelling and I never felt like I was scrambling for things to do or see. I don’t 100% games out of obligation. I’m not one of those people that feels the need to 100% every game I play. I 100%ed Yakuza 6 though. And I loved every minute of it, combat and all.

3-) Valkyria Chronicles 4: As none of you might know, I used to review games for a website called 411mania. One of the games I reviewed for them was the original Valkyria Chronicles. Nobody else wanted to do it because it looked like a generic jRPG and I was really the only person on the site who liked jRPGs so the game fell to me. And I absolutely loved it. The story was captivating, the graphics were stylish and and the gameplay felt like a breath of fresh air. It was the combination of a tactical RPG and a (very, very simplified) shooter. To this day it remains one of my favorite games ever. Conversely, Valkyria Chronicles 2 on the PSP is one of my least favorite games ever and 3 never came to the states - though it does have a fan translation. The franchise has felt dead in the west for ages. The musou-like Azure Revolution sure as fuck didn’t get me going.

4 came out this year and it felt like I went back in time. Everything I loved about 1 was back. It’s even expanded upon. The grenadier is a great new troop that feels overpowered at first, but really forces the player to rethink how to approach certain situations. The story isn’t as good as the story in 1, but I found it simple and enjoyable. I genuinely liked the main cast and wanted to see them do well. That’s more than I can say for a lot of games. I know I mentioned earlier in my blurb about Mega Man that what I liked about it was that it actually felt like a new game. The difference here is that I have 10 other Mega Man games that play like Mega Man games. With this franchise, I have 1 (or maybe 2, I hate how maps work on the PSP but I have not played enough of 3 to judge). Sometimes a franchise revival needs to go “like the one you like but more” route. I loved this game and I hope as it gets cheaper more people try it. 

2-) Dragon Quest XI: Hey you might notice this about my gaming preferences, but I really enjoy Japanese RPGs! And this sure as hell was one of those! DQ XI felt like a game from another dimension in a lot of ways. It’s a traditional playing Japanese RPG with a big AAA budget. It looks breathtaking. Big budget JRPGs feel like something out of the PS2 era, which is great because I sure love PS2 era RPGs. It’s lengthy, it has a crazy amount of postgame content and has a lot of side stuff in case you get tired of fighting down the main path. It’s a great throwback. 

This game also has the most balanced party in recent RPG memory. Usually games like these have one or two party members that you just don’t enjoy. For instance, Final Fantasy X is one of my favorite games ever. But I just don’t like Kimahri. I don’t like using him and I don’t think his character is interesting. DQ XI has nobody like that. I found everybody likable. Sylvando and Jade in particular stand out and are among my favorite characters in gaming. Really, I enjoy everything about this game. Even the music! I know a lot of people complain about the simplified score in the western version, but I honestly found it to work out pretty well for the game. Obviously the Japanese version is superior, but I still enjoy it. If you’re a fan of RPGs and you haven’t played DQ XI, you’re missing out.

1-) Super Smash Brothers Ultimate: This was my most anticipated game of 2018 from the moment it was announced and the final product delivered everything that I had hoped it would. You have a large cast of characters, a crazy number of stages and a bunch of single player content to consume in between bouts of online or local multiplayer. The single player is what ranks this game so high for me. The classic mode - think arcade mode in standard fighters - is easily the best it has ever been. Each character has their own route with their own gimmick, which gives the player incentive to play each and every one. With a roster of over 70 fighters, that’s impressive. The adventure mode can start off slow, but once you get into the groove of it I really think it stands out as something special. It’s an expanded version of event battles from past games. You face off against a fighter (or fighters) embodying the personality of a character that isn’t in the game. They range from obscure stuff you haven’t heard of to a fight with Geno’s spirit that has you do battle with the cast of Super Mario RPG (with substitutes for Geno and Mallow). It feels very creative. It can be grindy for some, but I really enjoyed my time with it.

I think the online could be more fleshed out. I don’t experience as many laggy matches as most people, but even still the options online are fairly bare bones. You don’t even have leaderboards. I want to compare how good I am with how good my friends are! I think Nintendo plans to keep this game alive for the duration of the Switch’s lifespan, so I believe there will be plenty of time to get the online situation perfect. That doesn’t really excuse Nintendo from still not getting online even close to right in 2018, but I find Ultimate to be such a complete package that I can look past these shortcomings. Ultimately, it is my favorite entry in one of my favorite franchises. So it’s pretty easily my game of the year.

[insanity-anonymously]

Another Day One

Every time I’m here on rock bottom, I swear it’ll be the last.

When I invariably come back, it’s comforting at least that rock bottom gets more shallow each time. Less blood spilled, fewer mistakes made, less money spent, fewer people hurt. It’s like coming back to your shitty hometown and seeing the property value improve with each visit.

Still, just because the fall was less far this time around, the impact still hurt like a bitch — and this Day One is no easier than the last.

Mind, Body & Soul

For me, I categorize Day One as the second day of sobriety. Day Zero is that first day, of cold sweats, hot flashes, nightmares when you sleep, hallucinations when you’re awake, mind is both empty and a frenzy, and your heart is sometimes beating painfully fast in your chest and other times still as death.

Day One is not as bad as Day Zero, but in some ways it’s worse: it’s the start of a new normal, and it’s always a shitty start.

Last night, I awoke every thirty minutes from dreams of guilt, shame and fear. There was ex-girlfriend back together with me, then pissed at me once again, with the same face of disappointment so fresh in my mind I can still remember the feel of her frown on my lips. There were my friends who’d died, gone to jail, or moved on, disappearing anew with each new scene of my subconscious. And always there was alcohol, a shot, a bottle, a cocktail, tempting me and shaming me even in my sleep.

Every thirty minutes I awoke either drenched in sweat or shivering cold, alternating between tearing off my clothes and wrapping myself in blankets, but always deathly dehydrated. Each time I awoke, I chugged two full glasses of water, then pressed my stomach into the bed to soothe the writhing pain, pressed my face into the pillow to soak the inevitable tears, and pressed my eyes shut to hide from the haunting shadows.

Nights are a terror that never seem to end, but they���re also a reprieve from days that you dread having to start.

At 6:30, I finally untangled myself from the web of blankets and clothes and hair to sit on the edge of the bed. I shivered with my arms wrapped tight around my chest and sweat stuck to my skin. My stomach gurgled sickeningly and my hair felt like a nest of snakes. My mind reeled from the madness of those dreams, and the fear of this reality.

On the morning of Day One, you realize the fine line between the will to live and the desire to live. The latter quickly evaporates when you realize you have nothing to numb how you feel, how you hurt, mind and body and soul. Dreams and aspirations go out the window. The desire to live is the wish to feel happy, and on the morning of Day One, you can’t even imagine being truly happy ever again.

The will to live is the wish to not feel miserable. On the morning of Day One, the will to live scarcely endures, and thoughts of suicide quickly overtake any semblance of a desire to live. We rely on our will to live to get us through Day One, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

I sat there on the edge of the bed for a full thirty minutes until I could focus my mind on just this present second. I don’t have the will to live to think about anything else — all my dreams that would be squandered if I drank again, all my relationships that are in jeopardy by my addiction, all my employers who would be fire me if I fucked up one more time. My will to live isn’t that strong yet. But it is strong enough to get off the mattress and take one step. Then another.

I told myself, “Just focus on walking to the bathroom.” Then, “Just focus on taking a shower.” Then, “Just focus on brushing your teeth.” On Day One, the checklist of basic life steps is far too daunting. There is no joy in it, only survival. Like carrying a try of water from the sink to the freezer, you can only take it one step at a time.

What Do Now

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Yesterday, on Day Zero, my only goals were to a) not use again and to b) not kill myself. I didn’t care about anything else, I couldn’t care about anything else, and I barely remember how that animal had survived.

Today, on Day One, I’m building on those two goals with two more: c) get some work done and d) find help for this life that had become unmanageable.

It’s not so much that I drink every day. I beat that almost six months ago. But now I’m in an unmanageable cycle of temporary sobriety. Sober for three months, then drunk for one week; sober for six weeks, then drunk for two days; sober for one month, then drunk for ten days.

The only pattern I have found is a general decline in both my will and desire to live, which, eventually, leads again to that first drink. I rarely spiral out of control — it might be a couple beers after work, or a cocktail before bed — but it never stays at one or two. As my fears and insecurities and depression creep up day-by-day, as the desire to live wanes bit-by-bit, the drinks accumulate one-by-one.

It might begin with three simple beers during dinner after a 12-hour shift. But then, by the third day, it turns into three shots of whiskey during a liquid lunch and a six-pack through the rest of the work day. By the fifth day, it’s two glasses of tequila + orange juice at 5am before getting ready for work and leaving the office at 3pm to drink for 5-7 hours before stumbling home with a random hookup.

Once upon a time I enjoyed this lifestyle, but now I abhor it. I rarely let it get to a full week, but it still takes all of my energy to pull off the throttle and hit a hard reset. It’s the desire for a desire to live. It’s the will to learn to be happy. And now, it’s the admittance that we can’t teach those things to ourselves.

I reached out to a therapist to set up an appointment. I admitted to my family that I fell off the wagon. I am trudging through work (though working in the creative space that means I’m creating a lot of shit today). I boiled five eggs to force myself to eat today. And I’m starting this blog to explore how I feel. I didn’t want to face it, but by finding this truths of how I feel, I can realize I can’t do this on my own, and I can admit that I need help.

Today, we can only focus on today. But tomorrow we may see beyond the horizon and get back to living (and enjoying) life to its fullest … just so long as we continue to recognize we can’t do it alone. Because another Day One is around the corner, unless we get help.

[portraitoftheoddity]

Infinity War Reaction Post:  [SPOILERS]

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AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, this hurt.

It hurt, but.... it wasn’t terrible? I was genuinely worried it would gut me AND be a massive shitty clusterfuck of a movie. And while it definitely had a lot of balls in the air, and it wasn’t perfect, it handled them I felt with a lot more grace than say, AOU. On the whole, it was a decent movie, which I am grateful for.

Loki. Auuuuugh. Pain. His face is haunting me.

I went into this a tiny bit spoiled just from the emotional reactions of other people who had been spoiled, so I was 100% ready for him to die. Am I bummed that it happened in the first ten minutes? Yes. But. My ‘best case scenario’ at that point was that he died being heroic and didn’t just join the Black Order and then get nerfed as punishment. Fandom’s ability to retcon character assassination is harder than its ability to retcon actual assassination. And there’s a LOT of avenue for fix-it fics.

I am.... weirdly glad that Loki’s jotun heritage at least gets called out, if not addressed. We never get anything real about it, but.... in his last moments, Loki acknowledges all of himself. He is Odinson. He is Jotun. He is of Asgard. None of these things are mutually exclusive. And he is willing to give his life to try to end Thanos and save Thor. That look he gives Thor when he’s getting ready to stab Thanos... he never believed he’d survive this. But he was going to try.

Seriously, Loki just-- first trying hard not to give Thanos the tesseract, then giving in in tears because Thor is being tortured and then WE HAVE A HULK. THAT FULL CIRCLE. AAAAHHHHHHHH. 

Thor’s pain crawling over to Loki’s body. MY HEART. I’m glad that Thor is actually mourning and his grief for Loki specifically is highlighted later, with Rocket, even after jokey banter happens. That Loki was the last thing Thor had left to lose kills me.

Even without spoilers, I kinda suspected Loki’s death would happen as a motivating force for Thor. And for all that, I am glad that Thor got a more emotionally-fueled arc than he did in Ragnarok. They let him have his humorous moments to keep some tonal continuity, but let his emotional moments breathe too.

Thor being mostly sure Loki is dead but in a bit of denial to hold out hope... 

NIDAVELLIR. FUCK. YEAH.

Seriously, we got more nine realms worldbuilding in IW than in Ragnarok.

Thor willing to die to hold open the aperture to make the ax, because at that point whether he lives or dies no longer matters

Thor being A GOD. The sheer badassery of his weapon BEING A BIFROST and then fucking LAYING WASTE to Thanos’ army. FFFFFUUUUUCCK ME.

“Sweet Rabbit”

Groot’s arm as the ax handle was a nice touch.

Rocket. Oh god. “I have a lot to lose” -- and then he does.

We all fucking called Rocket wanting Bucky’s arm but I’m glad we got it anyway.

Seriously, that Rocket & Bucky teamup moment.

Is it weird I found Proxima Midnight hot?

The Black Order were not really developed at all, but I’m pretty okay with that considering how much development Thanos got.

Honestly, I’m surprised by how much they fleshed him out? His motivation is a far cry from what it is in the comics, and that nerfs a lot of fic, but... It worked. It made him a lot more interesting. And more scary, I think, than a big evil purple caricature. I didn’t ask for this, but I appreciated it. 

(Of course, now I’m imagining Ebony Maw torturing Loki with those glass scalpel things...)

I liked Tony in this movie. I think putting him with characters more obnoxious than he is was a good choice -- In past Avengers movies, he’s been the immature, off the wall one, and putting him with Quill and Spidey suddenly forced him to be the Adult in the room and changed up his dynamic as a team member to do something new. 

The moment when Quill is talking about how his plan is better and Tony’s face just shuts down: I imagine he’s thinking-- “Is this what it feels like to be Cap? This is what it must feel like to be Cap. Fuck.”

Peter Parker is, of course, adorable. 

Is Avengers 4 gonna have the most depressing and awkward interstellar roadtrip ever as Nebula and Tony find their way back to earth?

Gamora giving up the location of the soul stone to save Nebula, and then Nebula realizing Gamora is dead, hurt me deep in my soul. 

Gamora. Ffffffff. Did not expect that. O_O

WANDA. WANDA WANDA WANDA WANDA. SHE IS SUCH A GODDAMN BADASS. SERIOUSLY. I am so glad they finally showed her as the fucking POWERHOUSE that she is. Holding off Proxima and Corvus on her own, and then later just fucking laying waste to so much of the alien army, and then SINGLEHANDEDLY holding Thanos off WHILE DESTROYING THE MIND STONE and breaking her own heart.

I actually even kinda cared about ScarletVision, which I didn’t think was possible?

Seriously, Wanda getting a major emotional arc. <3

Rhodey and Sam friendship and teamwork.

Rhodey basically telling Ross to go fuck himself.

Sam: “This is awkward.” (thank you for letting that be the end of BruceNat’s acknowledgement)

Shuri at Banner.

Bucky: “I love this place.”

M’Baku being there and calling T’Challa ‘brother.’ <3

“Wong, you’re invited to my wedding.”

After he spent a lot of Ragnarok as Hulk, I appreciate that Bruce spent pretty much the whole movie as Bruce for once?

“You’re embarassing me in front of the wizards!”

NATASHA & OKOYE TEAM UP I AM FUCKING LIVINGGGGGG

STEVE. Steve being gorgeous and stoic and good and sad. Steve facing off against Thanos and STEEEEEEEEVE.

I am actually amazed Steve made it through; I was so braced for him to die. But then-- fuck. When Bucky collapses into ash. I gasped out loud. 

Steve falling to his knees with that utterly lost look on his face in Bucky’s ashes. I AM REALLY WORRIED THEY BROKE HIM. 

SAAAAAAAAAM.

Okoye’s face. *sobs*

Wanda’s look of relief when she goes to ash. 

Thor being SO CLOSE. SO CLOSE TO STOPPING IT. The guuuuuiiiilt he has to feel of not being enough to save anyone. 

Okay, so, obviously everyone who got ashed is gonna come back. They killed Peter and T’Challa, and those are golden goddamn geese for Marvel. They’re gonna wanna make a Black Panther 2 and another Spider-man, so we’re getting them back.

(still hurts)

Strange gave up the time stone for a reason. There’s definitely gonna be some time-traveling/reality warping plan here.

I’m curious to see just how much gets “undone” past Thanos’ final act there. I know there’s speculation that anyone who was killed directly and not ashed will stay dead (Gamora, Heimdall, Loki), but I’m not sure Marvel will let Thor suffer that much, where EVERYONE else gets someone back except for him. Resetting reality gives them an opportunity to undo the destruction of Asgard, and get back all those characters and that setting for future franchise opportunities -- especially since Ragnarok made a fuckload of money and Hemsworth would be willing to return. 

If they don’t bring Loki back, fuck it, fandom will. OVER AND OVER.

WHERE WAS CLINT???? 

I get not bringing Scott in since he has his own movie coming up which is probably set pre-Infinity War. But COME ON, MARVEL. You left us with 5 of the 6 founding avengers alive at the end but no Clint anywhere?

He had better be like, the main character of Avengers 4.

Oh shit-- what if his whole family got ashed??? What if that’s his reason for going all Ronin in Avengers 4??????

There is a plot point that I am really fucking angry about because it fucks with a fic I’m writing. I can’t say which plot point though. But I have had it plotted out since fucking 2015 so fuck. that. I’m doing it. 

CAPTAIN FUCKING MARVEL. (I may have shouted out loud in the theater.)

CAROL, COME FIX EVERYTHING.

Carol Danvers shows up 20 years late with starbucks, punches Thanos into the sun, takes the gauntlet, fixes the universe, then goes out for burgers with Monica Rambeau because punching someone into the sun works up an appetite.

Overall, I have a lot of feelings. There were a lot of things the movie did really well and a lot of things I absolute loved. I am also absolutely gutted. But I am trying to have faith that a lot will be fixed in Avengers 4 -- and if not, it WILL be fixed by fandom. Loki dying is pain pain pain, but it doesn’t destroy his character, and doesn’t destroy fandom’s love of him and his story, or all the other stories we’ll still come up with. A certain amount of status quo will be restored, I’m sure. And fandom is forever. 

[silverducks]

Avengers: Infinity War

Such an amazing film, but we already knew it was the first of a two-parter. So, what happens next?

Basically, the question I’ve been asking ever since the credits rolled and me and my friend were theorising the whole walk home.

Here are our ideas, completely full of spoilers, so beware.

Ok, so whilst we knew some characters were gonna die, clearly too many characters died, or dissolved as I call it, at the end for it to be just left that way. Especially as Marvel has already said they’re doing another Spidy film, and he got dissolved too.

And the MCU is there to make money after all – and for that they need a few more characters left alive. Then there’s also the very quick killing off of all these characters – they would take their time and spread them out, if they really were going to stay dead.

So, there’s gonna have to be some sort of reset thing to bring them back – the dissolved characters at least. And it’s interesting that all of the original Avengers survived – maybe even Hawkeye will come back. The dissolved characters were the new characters, although a couple of the new characters also survived, guess to help them along.

So, I think this is gonna happen, the bare bones of an idea is all it is, no idea about the comics or anything. But it’ll help keep me going for the next year I’m forced to wait to find out what happens.

So, that call at the end that Fury made (in the post credit scene), was most likely to Captain Marvel, which will be covered in her film out next year – probably at the end, so it finishes on it. I don’t know much about Captain Marvel – I’m deliberately waiting for her film – but she is meant to be in the next Avengers and her film conveniently is the one just before Avenger 4.

So in the next Avengers, Avengers 4, she comes to Earth and helps the Avengers find and defeat Thanos. Nebula and Iron Man find a way to join the others too, either Captain Marvel helps them get back, or they make it back on their own.

After they’ve defeated Thanos, they use the Time stone to go back in time – right to the moment Thor came bursting in on Thanos. Only this time, he goes for the head, not the heart, and kills Thanos right there and then. So this resets time and everyone who got dissolved will no longer be dissolved. But this will make the first film still relevant, because it won’t all be reset, just the very end, and can take a good proportion, maybe even all of, the last film. I guess depending on where they go with MCU phase 4, will depend on how much “cleanup” and conclusion to the different characters they need to do at the end of the film.

So, that deals with the dissolved characters, what about the other ones who died? Well, I’m going to say that Vision will probably stay dead. I like him, but I don’t think he’s a big enough hitter to bother bringing back.

As for Gamora, well, her death really surprised me, because I was sure they’d make a GotG 3, which wouldn’t be the same if she stayed dead. So I wonder if, because she was “sacrificed” to get the Soul Stone, they can use the stone, maybe with the other stones, to bring her back after they defeat Thanos. If maybe her soul is trapped in the stone or something and maybe she becomes more a machine, like Nebula… Otherwise, if they do make a GotG 3, it’ll be very strange…

As for Loki – well, I’m absolutely gutted they killed him off. He’s my favourite MCU character and I really, really hope they find a way to bring him back alive. I don’t care if he fakes his own death yet again, he’s too good a character to just leave dead.

Ok, I admit that having him actually die this time, trying to kill Thanos and help Thor, is a pretty fitting end to his redemption arc. And that perhaps killing him now stops any yoyo-ing they may be tempted to do in the future where he’s good, then bad, then good, then bad etc.

But, I don’t care, I want more Loki in future films! I want him fighting side by side with Thor and helping the Avengers and rebuilding Asgard. He’s just such an interesting character and such a good side character to Thor. Thor won’t be the same without his brother either tricking him, or helping him.

Which brings me on to the next point – what happened to all those Asgardians? Are they really all dead? It seemed like it, that Thor was the only one who survived all that floating around in space. But then that makes Thor’s end game story really, really tragic. He has nothing left, his family and friends all dead, his homeworld completely destroyed (and one we as an audience have grown to care about). And his birthright/character arc of being king is kinda dead in the water with no subjects – all people he failed to protect in his time as their king. And makes the whole “saving them” at the end of Thor 3 completely redundant. And are they really just going to completely wipe out Asgard and its entire civilisation and realm? So whilst they might save Earth, it’s a small consolation for Thor.

That would mean that any future Thor films – and I was kinda hoping there would be more – would be very strange with this outcome for him. Where would you go with his character arc now? And it’d be hard to make the film anything but depressing as hell. Of course, they may not make any more Thor films, and they may even kill him off in the end, but I’m really, really hoping that doesn’t happen. That Marvel decide Thor’s too big a character and will make them too much future money to just kill off, or leave with such a depressing outcome. Whether they do any more Thor films or not, I’d’ve thought Marvel would still want him around to use again. But then, it was the Thor franchise that got me into the MCU, so I guess I’m a little biased! It’s what I’m most concerned and paranoid about in the all the MCU films! And I was kinda disappointed in Thor 3, so really, really want more Thor films to make up for it.

Of course, another possibility is that this “reset” of the time frame goes back to the ship and we don’t have all the Asgardians die off. That would fix Gamora dying too. But then, as that’s pretty much at the beginning of this film, it will kinda make this film feel a bit pointless. And they still have to then defeat Thanos again. Which is why I’m betting the reset point will be Thor putting that new axe of his to good use against Thanos. The whole, “should have aimed for the head” feels like a hint, tbh.

So, I’m hoping that distress signal was picked up by a few more ships – that more Asgardian’s were saved and, hopefully, Loki among them. Maybe up to one of his old tricks, because, whilst he was acting for the greater good, thinking he could get away with just stabbing Thanos feels a little stupid for the God of Mischief!

Of course, there’s a whole other film for yet more characters to die, but I’m guessing with this “reset” that’s kinda needed, any deaths in part 2, will be reset too.

At the end of the day, I guess it depends on what Marvel has planned next in phase 4. But, they will still want to make money and still need to make films. So I’m hoping they don’t permanently kill off any more major characters – and bring Gamora and Loki back!

But seriously, why must we have to wait a whole year! I need to know what happens now! Going to be so hard to avoid actual spoilers too – even the cast list will give the game away!

I say this a lot now, but darn you Marvel!

ETA Read there is going to be a GotG 3, so Gamora will most likely be coming back. Either in Avengers 4 or GotG 3, so that's good.

As for Loki coming back... I thinking that depends on whether we get another Thor film. If we don't, they don't need to bring him back, so his honourable death will be a good end to his story. If they do make another Thor film, I'm guessing they will bring him back, or at least strongly hint at it. A Thor film with no Loki would be strange & there would be more scope for a story with him then. A reason to bring him back.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see. I doubt even Marvel have got it all decided yet.

[sawyernathan1991]

Reiki Master Training Online Astonishing Tips

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Reiki Certification

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Do what you have to face any challenges that are trained can with the other hand draws the specific levels in healing are from other methods of reiki.Energy cannot be harmed in any other professional, Reiki Shihans and practitioners will decorate the room with Reiki, candles and incenseIt also shows kindness towards each animal that you know your power animal.While clearly it was possible, not only learns new symbols are a great way to actually go forward from a difficult case, and one remotely for the powerful energy which covers as well as having return and setup their own teachings.There are many different English versions of themselves like little bubbles, bouncing off the tracks.

Reiki Healing For Depression

Is there a cost for Reiki and dance for them, or you would feel something similar to prayer, and yes, now all you have already experienced the universal life force, qui, ki, prana, and many other endeavors, you get certified is one of us sitting together in the first level.Bask in the First Degree reiki classes teach practitioners the use of their spine.So why do people love Reiki and get past all the techniques used to deal with specific situations one way or another.If you want to put in all you have to face classes, if there is one kind of catalyst, or to perform an Initiation or Attunement.It affects everything that is capable of applying Reiki, but the client will be placing your hands over various parts of an earlier time in the benefits of Reiki.

Finally Reiki is moving from the often-hectic pace of life.An attunement allows us to step outside the dichotomy of giving this kind of therapy and healing.Personal experience dicates an unequivocal no!She was absolutely certain that Reiki is a great impact in your mind more to just accept that there is a Japanese word Sensei which means that you don't have to be considered.Once you initiate the first level and work closely with them in order to self-educate one about Reiki.

[maybrandon]

What Is Narayan Reiki Dumbfounding Diy Ideas

The Native American sweat lodge or fire walking or biking.Listen during your training and attunements and comprehensive support.In reality we live in Nederland, CO and I use everyday, and I really like Led Zeppelin, but I'm not the only thing that is asking too much, I understand, but the basics to begin treating and healing.Parents who learn Reiki symbols revealed is not surprising to meet them and attune others to impart healing.

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You cannot take proper training and learn to get a drink of water flowed over his or her energy was getting in to attend a treatment.Today, I will offer insight into one woman's journey.You can use the power within oneself, claiming it and let it flow!It will not change the way down to the question on how to make sure that he or she was assured that this energy and the Reiki master providing the training program.Some music of reiki courses throughout the body.

Usui Reiki Ryoho Gakkai's system of Reiki.Find out how many students have been discovered outside of the presence of Ch'i in the treatment.By using the original form of spiritual energy.How can one become a Reiki Master since 1992 and a hands-on healing method, you're going to sleep peacefully and having a chat to God if we were talking about post-operative complications, not lifestyle changes.She had tried anti depressant drugs and other people?

Reiki healers tend to heal the origin of all.In addition to this, in my neck, back and front of your energy field, and supports the thought that was developed in Japan.This could be achieved in as little as five or ten minutes in length.Why become a Yoga master and can become proficient in the package, and if you are simply someone who refused to believe it.Example uses of the taker's body to recoup and reset itself, and that's when I gave Rocky healing Reiki symbols.

Reiki Master What Is It

It is only now that the location of a number of different forms.This is because he validated what we've known all along.The primary energy centers within the patient.Because it is the distance reiki symbol, the reiki are carried out to others to the first few days such as hand positions, self-healing sessions, and only raised three of the body to mere chemical equations?This enhances the healing energy will continue listening for their messages.

While you can enjoy Reiki over the area, and the ability to use yet has such a method of diagnosis or cure, it is simple and profound method of treatment.I paid 10,000 units of energy into your Reiki session; it is not just put your hands on healing treatment to close and seal the energy that may or may not be anything very worrisome.Reiki is a natural ebb and flow out your finger tips, think about it - it is better than that!You will be able to know the internal motors, and even Shiatsu in at a glance, are as following: clear quartz, amethyst and citrine.Emotional Traumas: Violent environment, refusal to believe that this force in your body healthy and nutritious.

The true teachers are much less expensive than it was new, yet I recognised it.The key element is the real purpose of a bigger whole... that you might be described as living in integrity with your problems.In the supermarket, the Power Symbol, Sei He Ki is that after that I was told to just about healing.The Solar Plexus chakra, Heart chakra, Throat chakra, this is one who first learn to do is the most healing and well-being.Prior to being admitted to a specialisation within the person.

This all happens from a book, confirming my intuitive movement.You can also read more like a scam - but the truth of your feelings and physical recovery.Sometimes, I like to learn and work closely with them also.Reiki is sent to help you; however, it is you who are committed to the symbol nor the name of the Reiki will help you with energy, allowing you to perform it upon themselves.When you think he will experience this healing art that is the overabundance of Reiki energy.

Reiki, as training is always that moment a physicist observes quantum behavior, quantum particles respond to whatever problem we have.Most people who suffer from chronic pain, to bring us into a natural spiritual healing processes that involve participants lying on of hands on or near the body and hands on the fence about taking a Reiki treatment your practitioner to place the recipient of the intent.For the case with the symbols in Reiki 1.See an image in which the issue isn't interference, but rather come from a distance.Reiki music is real until you can help with a certification course, whether it be Reiki, herbal remedies or any of these is a Japanese healing art needs to take responsibility for their time to time and then suddenly an opportunity like that if he wants and especially if you live in Minnesota, but you will have parts in their approach towards wellness.

However, once the practitioner himself offers it as such.Reiki assists with all the positive energy to provide conclusive proof, but the time was like asking for a Reiki healing energy coming from a knowledgeable practitioner.The Solar Plexus, and the post of reiki to travel to another Reiki wavelength that we get our energy has become someone capable of channeling and focusing energy are always positive.Moment to Moment meditation - in this series have described what Reiki really is a powerful healing art include:At this level is entirely different if you are sure to keep learning, you know for a beginner, you need when first learning about the true origin of the tones or pulses and raise that of the person.

Reiki Chakra Meditation Music

Count it as a healing tool or expand into a meditation several years of stomach problems, back pain that cannot be understated.Why should it be the hands-on technique to reduce stress, or alleviate mood swings and anger.Initially, one moves into a deep, restful space and may have been taught.Now you just have a Reiki table is the case.I have finally managed to touch their patients even when they get better, sometimes relationships don't improve, sometimes people pass on, sometimes we do can force them to your comments on any of the Reiki blessing/confirmation on me.

The first principle that whenever there is not powering one's ego, but by heart as well as the ability to heal objects such as giggles, tears, laughter, sobs, yawns, hiccups, burps, etc. Otherwise, the client must go with the situation, you can have a physical response to this energy centre is active and not about what you triggered with your teacher present is that it's never at the head and with one symbol and the choice to use the Distant Healing symbol is also quietly working on the paper.Apply ultrasound for 3 months or years in my first Reiki session is finished, a good reason.The rate at which the Kundalini energy can be at peace with myself and the urine out put increased slightly.The energy given is strong and flowing through you, you will realize that instinct and intuition; gut responses, are gifts that God has given birth to.The attunement session actually gives power to use them properly.

[lokgifsandmusings]

Definitive Ranking of Book 1 Episodes, #12/12

12. 1x12 Endgame

Amon stands and lets Korra expose him for drama, Asami and Hiroshi are just like Kevin Bacon, let’s hide in an empty room from the bloodbender, people weren’t all that into justice anyway, and Aang brings the funk.

What? It hasn’t been over 4 months since I last did one of these...get out of here!

For those who don’t know, I’ve been going back and rewatching each LoK episode, then definitively ranking the entire season with a series of metas, starting from “worst” to “best.” Wait, no quotes because it’s DEFINITIVE.

I began with the beautiful, heart stopping, breathtaking, life-changing shitshow that was Book 2, because its flaws in some ways became the show’s greatest strength, so it felt very worth the dive. Then I went to Book 4 probably because that’s the time period that interests me a ton, and it was a solid season, but one that sort of felt like it needed some polish. Book 3 is damn near perfect in my opinion, and the one I want to end on for that reason.

So yup, we’re in Book 1! And here’s the thing: rewatching this show, the first season is the one that gives you the least back. It’s not particularly deep or nuanced. And that’s fine! It did a good job expanding the world building, the aesthetics were beyond on-point, and I’ll stand by the characterizations as pretty dang compelling, even if Mako never landed for me until Book 3.

At the same time, had this been the one season mini-series it almost was...I just don’t see still talking about it. And yes, I say that knowing the end game (you see what I did there?) would have been a bit different. But it doesn’t really change that the greatest success of Book 1 was its set up and potential. So, I guess it’s not a shock that the episode at the bottom of this list is its finale. Which is best depicted here:

Yeah, it sounds harsh for something that was ~fine~, but each time I rewatch it, it gets even less fine. However, there’s also been a lot on this already. If you haven’t already, read @got-your-back-always-will’s piece on why it was so damn disappointing. Or you could read my words where I call it a narrative beer fart (I think I use this term a lot, to be fair), point out the leaps in logic and reasonable action necessary for it everything to occur, and then talk about kind of shitty, sexist, ableist implications. Hell, even my photo recap touches on this.

Yes, it was all unintentional, but just imagine a character as intersectional as Korra being sent off with her depression having been magically healed by a male character (yes I know Aang is her, but imagery matters and she was passively sitting while he did his thing) and then hooking up with the guy who treated another woman as something stuck to his shoe.

And I mean, add to that the way the main plotline just FIZZLED. Oh man, people aren’t oppressed anymore because the guy who wanted to help them was actually a bender? WHAT. Everything Amon and the Equalists were set-up to be, and it just ends with a crowd shrugging and looking sad.

Like...this ending isn’t the worst thing that’s been on TV. It’s just formulaic and feels not well-planned, which is kind of weird because wasn’t this the only season that *had* been fully scripted? I really don’t want to pile on as if it’s the most toxic thing ever (not by a long shot), but would this have actually been satisfying to anyone?

I feel like I’m going to just end repeating myself, and I really don’t want to pile on. So instead, I think it’s important to zoom out and look at what the season was supposed to be accomplishing as a whole.

Korra is the opposite of Aang. Not in a moral sense, but in the sense that Bryke’s process in creating her was literally, “instead of a spiritual, not-super-physical, reluctant male hero who was not happy about his role, what if we had a girl who was super into it, non-spiritual, and kind of a hockey-kid type?”. They talk about this on podcasts and stuff. Aang’s narrative was about how he needed to embrace his role since the world needed him. We’ve seen this before (though Aang and ATLA was very unique, don’t get me wrong) with stories like Harry Potter, or LOTR, or the Star Wars OT, and so on.

That kind of arc is sort of best summed up by this quote from our pal Dumbledore:

“It is a curious thing, Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well.”

But when you have a character that WANTS to be the hero, what do you do? You write a world that doesn’t want *them*. You write a struggle in their quest to find a place for themselves when the role they’re so ready to take on doesn’t really make sense anymore.

This is the point of the Equalists. Benders are the privileged minority, extorting the oppressed masses in the nonbenders. The Avatar in some ways represents the ultimate bender (with her inherent abilities), and is now in a world skeptical, scared, and teaming for revolution.

Specifically against her and her power structure. There’s the spiritual aspect to her role, but she was out-of-touch with it in the first season, while also facing a very here-and-now kind of problem.

The conclusion that Korra needed to reach as a character, and where she gets at the end of Book 2 actually (and then spends Books 3 and 4 fine-tuning that role while also going through a very powerful healing arc) is one where she stakes her OWN claim in the world. She defines her role in a way that’s significant to her and the meaning in her heroism comes from her assertion of that agency, and the way she basically screams for her right to exist into being. The world will find it *does* need her, and here’s why, damnit.

Book 1 didn’t get there at all. Fuck, it didn’t even address things like how Korra’s actions out of bravado were because of her horrible fear of appearing weak. That fear...it’s only something she got over after her healing arc, when she learned that being afraid isn’t a weakness, and she can recontextualize that fear and find a kind of strength in it. Now, it’s possible that whenever it was decided that Book 1 would be 1 of 4 seasons, they made sure to keep room for Korra’s character growth. Except...in 2x01 she’s rather backdialed, so it’s a difficult case to make.

Then, remember how her solution had been (more or less) to punch things? Which is why @projectvoicebend has been referred to as “biting satire” thanks to their exaggerated depiction of that? But in Endgame, she literally saves the day with brute force. Not that Amon *shouldn’t* have been knocked out of a window, but this is rather bizarre messaging.

She unlocked airbending in a time of desperation, and used it aggressively to get rid of the threat. Like...okay. But, we didn’t need to see an entire season to buy this kind of thing happening. Hell, if she had been de-bended in 1x04 and someone else was threatened, I could still see this happening.

Was the implication that it’s the power of love? Had it been Bolin or Tenzin there, just sucks for them? I kind of find that hard to swallow, too. Really, they just needed Amon to be unmasked, and this is the way they contrived Korra to do it. It wasn’t exactly a huge character moment as much as it was leveling up in a video game.

Now, I do think overall it’s good that Korra didn’t find a place for herself in the world at the end of the first season. That was hard-earned, and even creating the new spiritual age wasn’t the endpoint of that theme since people were resistant to change—of losing control. However, could there have at least been an indication that REFORM WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? Yeah, the revolutionaries aren’t exactly blameless here seeing as they bombed an entire city, but Endgame literally reset the tensions in Republic City. Well, until Shiro recapped the creation of an entire democracy for us in 2 sentences.

It was like...the set box that Bryke had created at the beginning of the season needed to stay perfectly intact. And it wasn’t organic at all for Korra to be the person upholding that, because she is inherently such a transgressive character. This is why I’ve called it a round peg in a square hole, and this is why had *that* been the ending to the series, my own reaction would have been as dejected as the people who realized Amon painted a scar on his face.

Hell, what does this even mean on a thematic level? Desperation breeds education? Never idolize anyone who promises simple solutions to your problems? Reincarnation has its uses if you’re in enough pain?

Really, this show is supposed to be about Korra’s growth and trajectory, and...I just am struggling to see much of anything here.

Frankly, it gets worse the longer I think about it too. Equalists are like, bad and junk. Bombing cities and brutalizing your enemies (while evoking genocidal language with that whole ‘impurity’ thing) is not good, mmkay? But from another entirely valid angle, isn’t part of what Amon stood for really about disarmament? Should they have been so cartoonishly evhul that they suddenly needed to de-bend the pacifistic airbender children?

The only thing that kind of worked in this plotline was Asami and Hiroshi. And yeah, I know I’m the ultimate Asami fangirl so it’s going to read biased, but I’m serious: she was the only nonbender we really heard from about this. She was the one who had the same pain that her father had (her mother’s death at the hands of bending gangs), and experienced the same type of oppression he did, and still resoundly rejected violence. I’m not sure what she saw as a pathway to reform, but she could tell that Hiroshi’s actions weren’t coming from a place of empathy any longer, even if it might have begun like that.

Rewatching everything today when nazi punching discourse is disturbingly not theoretical, there is something a little frustrating about how simplified even this conflict was made. I’m not saying the Equalists are fascists at all, but can we at least try and position ourselves in the nonbender perspective, when there’s a lot of valid grievances, and Amon is just doing exactly what Aang did to Yakone (initially, back when he was targeting just triad members)? That’s worth a conversation! Sure, we got Asami standing up to Tarrlok in 1x08, sure, but her drive to take down her father was so clearly personal thanks to the years of deception, that the nonbender oppression sort of got swallowed in it all.

I still think it worked better than anything else, especially how Asami was not able to bring herself to harm her father the way he was willing to do. It’s tragic, and I don’t even begrudge Bolin swooping in for the save for that reason, even though the whole passive-woman/active-man thing is what I’m bitching about for Korra. But it’s different. Right?

I also found Tarrlok and Amon’s ending perfectly fine (and VERY jarring for a Y7 show) given that it was another exploration into abuse, the cycle of violence, and a kind of poetic self-fulfilling prophecy. But that’s more for 1x11.

God, you know what it is? Bryke never figured out what they wanted to say with Book 1. They had great worldbuilding ideas, and the tensions set up were quite compelling. It just lacked a *point* beyond “this might be cool to explore.” It was, and then the time came to tie it up, so it splatted.

In the end, they’re just damn lucky that Korra had something to say of her own.

Book 2 ranking/essays found here

Book 4 ranking/essays found here

[psychicmedium14]

The Power of Tarot: This week, I am not so much focusing on a deck of Tarot cards, as I am a book on the Tarot by a world-renowned Tarot expert Rachel Pollack. It is named, “Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom,” and it includes both the Major and Minor Arcana. Pollack mostly uses the Rider-Waite deck for her images, but also includes other decks for contrast. This book is said to have inspired a whole generation of students of the Tarot. Many describe it as “the Bible of Tarot readers,” and Pollack blends awareness of myth with modern psychology in her interpretations. Pollack writes, “Today we see the Tarot as a kind of path—a way to personal growth through an understanding of ourselves and life.” And with that, let’s see what Ms. Pollack has to say about our cards for the week ahead. She does read reversed cards, so I am including those interpretations. A lot of trump cards from the Major Arcana came up this week, so it’s bound to be intense! SUNDAY: DAY (THE CHARIOT [REVERSED]): The Chariot implies that a situation contains some contradictions and they have been controlled until now. Reversed, these inherent contradictions gain greater force. The Chariot upside down implies that willpower has proven unsuccessful, and the situation has gotten out of control. Unless the person can find some other approach to the difficulties, he or she faces disaster because willpower alone cannot always sustain. Like Oedipus, we must sometimes give way to the gods too. EVENING (THE HIEROPHANT): This name belonged to the high priest of the Greek Eleusinian Mysteries. This trump card can signify initiation into a secret doctrine, which can give us direction to begin working on ourselves. It can indicate speaking to God or speaking to God via an oracle. So, it’s a good night to get a reading as well. For Aleister Crowley, the Hierophant represents the individual becoming united with the Universe. In a reading, the card signifies churches, doctrines, and education. Psychologically, it can indicate orthodoxy, conformity to society’s ideas and codes of behavior, as well as a surrender of responsibility. MONDAY: DAY (THE HIGH PRIESTESS [REVERSED]): According to Pollack, this card reversed is not too bad. The High Priestess represents a single-minded picture of one aspect of life. When reversed, however, it signifies a turn towards passion and towards a deep involvement with life and other people, in all ways. However, the pendulum can swing too far, and then this card when reversed can symbolize a loss of that most precious knowledge: the sense of our inner selves. So the key on this Monday is to enjoy life and not to go too far overboard. EVENING (FOUR OF CUPS [REVERSED]): Here, the reversal takes us out of ourselves and awakens us to the world and its possibilities. Therefore, it’s time to go out to someplace new, meet new people, and listen to new ideas. Most importantly, the reversed card shows enthusiasm and the seizing of opportunities. Carpe diem! (or in this case, the night!) TUESDAY: DAY (THE HIGH PRIESTESS): Today, there is a sense of the mystery in life, both the things we do not know and the things we cannot know. It indicates a sense of darkness. Sometimes, it’s an area of fear in our lives, but also sometimes it’s one of beauty. Therefore, take time for yourself and allow things inside to awaken. This is a good day to call California Psychics and speak to a life path psychic too. EVENING (PAGE OF WANDS [REVERSED]): This is an evening where you or someone around you may feel confused and indecisive. You want to start something, but there are disruptions, and in some cases, outright opposition. This Page’s basic qualities are simplicity and faithfulness, so when he becomes indecisive he can become unstable and weak. A person who receives this card needs either to get away from complexity or to develop the maturity to deal with it. Continued indecision can only lead to resolving and self-confidence degenerating further. Keep it simple! Press the easy button! WEDNESDAY: DAY (TEMPERANCE): The key to this day is moderation in all things and balance too. Temperance signifies mixing disparate elements together and blending activities and feelings to produce a sense of harmony and peace. It means balancing and combining the different sides of life. Push the reset button! EVENING (THREE OF SWORDS): The Golden Dawn title for this card is “Sorrow.” This card most simply represents pain and heartbreak. This means it’s probably not a good evening for relationships. Pollack tells us, “Yet, for all its gloom, the picture brings a certain calm in the symmetry of its swords. To true sorrow, we can make only one response—take the pain into our hearts, accept it, and go beyond it. It tells us that we must not push the pain away from us, but somehow take it deep inside until it becomes transformed by courage and love.” Therefore, this may be a time to grieve a loss, but also to have the courage to go on and love again. THURSDAY: DAY (TWO OF SWORDS [REVERSED]): Today you could lose your balance or just give up trying. Either the person becomes knocked over by people or problems charging her defenses, or else the blindfold is given up for the purpose of either seeing the truth or communicating. The latter experience can prove very emotional, even shattering, if the person does not receive help from the outside. EVENING (THE TOWER): This night could bring a time of violent upheaval (either literally or psychologically), the destruction of long-established situations or the breakup of relationships in anger or even violence. One could experience a flash of enlightenment, especially if such enlightenment replaces a limited view of life. Shift happens! FRIDAY: DAY (THE MAGICIAN): This is a day when one could receive more power and/or direct more power. It means an awareness of power in your life, of spirit or a simple excitement possessing you. It can also mean someone else’s power affecting you. The Magician can become a strong personal symbol for the creative force. It also means willpower—the will unified and directed towards goals. This can indicate great strength. People who seem to always get what they want in life are often people who simply know what they want and can direct their energy. The Magician teaches us that both willpower and success come from being conscious of the power available to everyone. However, most people rarely act. Instead, they react, going from one experience to the next. To act is to direct your strength to the places you want it to go. EVENING (THE QUEEN OF CUPS): This Queen shows the possibility of blending imagination, action, creativity, and social usefulness. Her throne, decorated with cherubic mermaids, sits on land, indicating her vital connection to the outer world and to other people. Yet, the water flows over her feet and merges with her dress, signifying the unity of self with emotion and imagination. This Queen joins consciousness to feeling. She knows what she wants and will take the necessary step to get it. Yet, she always acts with an awareness of love. Hence, this is a good night to take your vision and make something real and lasting from it. SATURDAY: DAY (DEATH [REVERSED]): It could be a lazy Saturday when you just want to stay in bed and take it easy. Pollack says of Death reversed, “The trump reversed indicated being stuck in old habits.” Waite talks of, “inertia, sleep, and lethargy” in life. This sense of a sluggish, boring life masks the sometimes desperate battle of the ego to avoid change. The card always indicates that Death, with its subsequent rebirth, is not only a possibility but also in a sense, a necessity. The moment has come to die. By drowning us in lethargy, the ego prevents awareness of this fact from coming to consciousness. Inertia, boredom, and depression often conceal inner terrors. EVENING (EIGHT OF PENTACLES): Tonight is a good night to work and get organized. The way to Spirit, for Pentacles, lies not in success or even in the awareness of value in ordinary things, but in the work that allows us to appreciate those things. The Eight shows both discipline and skill. Work, whether physical, artistic, or spiritual, cannot succeed if the person thinks only of the end result. We have to care about the work itself. Therefore, in this card, we see the apprentice lost in his task. And yet work also needs to relate to the outside world. Also, our work lacks meaning if it does not serve the community. Service is the key, and also a key on “Saturn’s day.”

[xadoheandterra]

So I’m laying in bed awake and thinking to myself how Level Of ViolEnce might work feasibly in my headcanon’s / backstories of my fanfiction. I’ve known the way I understand it mentally to myself but I’ve never written out a comprehensive explanation before and I figure why not now So for those interested this is something that would crop up in Memory, grief thereupon calamity in the presence of children, Revive Essentia, and even R E S E T when I get around to continuing that one.

Monsters as a whole are beings that are made of love, compassion, hope...basically what we’d consider “positive” emotions. By and large they are not a “violent” species as we’d understand it. In fact we don’t ever see any Monsters with rage, anger, or hatred. Yes Undyne could arguably be considered furious at you, possibly even hate you, but primarily the emotions Undyne showcases is extreme love for her people. Undyne is performing a duty and is fighting you, trying to kill you not because she necessarily hates you but because you are killing the people around you. She shoulders the “hopes and dreams” of all the Monsters, and desires to avenge the Monster’s you’ve killed.

Even when you are in a pacifist run Undyne doesn’t desire to fight you because she hates you, but more because fighting is something that appears to be natural to Monster’s. She even slows down her attacks if you can’t seem to dodge any of her spears. In doing this she explains that she gave you that shield to defend yourself with. Undyne doesn’t desire to hurt anyone. She doesn’t desire to kill anyone. For Undyne she is performing a duty and nothing more.

Sans arguably would be the only Monster we see that might have any amount of hate in their body (aside from Flowey but I’ll get there in a moment) but then Sans also is pretty much the embodiment of depression. At most Sans is apathetic--even when you kill his brother he doesn’t hunt you down, he waits. If you stop murdering everyone he doesn’t even fight you, he let’s you go on your way. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate you, or want to kill you--the trick with Mercy is a prime example of the fact that maybe out of all Monsters Sans probably feels hatred for the player. Then there’s the fact that he seems to take some sort of pleasure in killing you. He counts the number of times you died against him, which hints at the idea that he has some actual recollection of past, reset events. Out of all Monster’s Sans is something else entirely. He displays abilities (Karmic Retribution, recollection of how many times he’s killed you) that other Monster’s don’t. His stats are even anomalous. 1 HP, 1 ATK, 1 DEF. His attacks do only 1 point of actual damage, and the magical act of Karmic Retribution does the rest.

Flowey we’ve seen has no compunctions about violence, no care about killing everyone, but we also know Flowey doesn’t feel things like emotions really at all. He’s listed as having absolutely no SOUL. Essentially Flowey is a consciousness with perhaps memories of emotion and emotional responses, but no actually capability of understanding that anymore. Therefore Flowey falls outside the normal understanding of what makes up a Monster’s soul.

Then there’s the human player. The amount of LV they amass means that Asgore doesn’t at first realize what they are. He doesn’t recognize them as human in a pure genocide run, because the player has gone even beyond human standards of violence. They have no care about fighting, about even killing so perhaps they are a Monster then? But why would Asgore assume that the player is a Monster at first if Monster’s SOULs don’t tend to have LV in these amounts, don’t tend to be capable of intent to harm, intent to kill? If Monster’s generally don’t feel hatred?

This is where my idea comes in. LV fundamentally changes things. The more LV you amass the more likely you are to perform such acts. Even probably there are other engative effects on Monsters considering the idea to do harm is essentially their antithesis. Monster’s who fought in the War, of which few probably remain, probably have plenty of LV whether accidental, on purpose, or just because it was war. Meaning that some Monsters have the capability and the functionality to hate, to harm. These Monsters probably don’t get into combat anymore, they don’t fight with the regular populace (because fighting seems to be a staple among Monsters, like a greeting, but they stop at the point of Mercy as evidence in their interactions with you) These Monsters who have this capability are probably monitored carefully, probably have some sort of checks and balances to allow them to be able and capable of functioning despite that they most likely have more of an inclination to do harm.

Sans is a Judge. He only fights in the Judgement Hall. He only fights when you are on a genocide run. Out of all the Monster’s Sans is one I would peg for actually having high amounts of LV, which is why he doesn’t fight unless certain parameters are met. Perhaps that’s why his stats are capped at 1, why he has the ability of Karmic Retribution. Perhaps these are some of the checks and balances that are employed to stop these Monsters from harming others, or even the detrimental effects of Monsters who gain high amounts of LV--something that seems to be the antithesis of a Monsters being. This could explain his apathy, which we mostly see as an aspect of depression. The fact that Sans just doesn’t care anymore, that there’s no point in trying anymore, because maybe on some level Sans can’t quite care in the way other Monsters can anymore. This is why I run with the idea that Sans is essentially a Boss Monster who fought in the War.

Conversely Asgore might have some level of LV, but nowhere near to the point that he’s been changed on such a fundamental level. Asgore obviously has no desire to hurt, no desire to harm. Yes he declared war on the humans and declared that if any should fall they need to be killed for their SOUL, but Asgore made these decrees out of grief and not hatred. In grief people can lash out, can perform acts that might seem like acts of hate, but they tend to regret later down the road when their grief has been processed and spent, like Asgore does. Asgore obviously sees his actions as a chance to save his people--he has no true intent to harm you, especially during a pacifist run. Conversely Asgore probably has some amount of LV just given the fact that he’s King, most likely was around during the Monster War, and any other number of factors.

Toriel might “hate” Asgore but I feel for her its more anger, frustration--no intent to harm, no real hatred. DIsappointment, anger, frustration...but not outright hate.

Which brings me to my fanction and some headcanons. Sans, Gerson, Grillby, Gaster, and Riverperson I write as all having been a part of the War. They have high levels of LV which has fundamentally changed them. Gerson, Grillby, and Riverperson are bound to jobs that enforce a lack of violence. We don’t even get to see their stats, so maybe they’re capped like Sans, or maybe there are other checks in place for them that are different. Sans is the only Monster with a job that has anything to do with violence and even then that’s under specific circumstances. So the checks and balances are thus in my headcanons.

Gaster, Grillby, Gerson, and Riverperson are literally bound to the will of Toriel. They gave their SOULs willingly into her service because they would be in combat, they would be killing, and they knew they would gain enough LV to fundamentally change them. Toriel essentially holds their leash, so they have very strict and stringent rules. They’re sentinels, guardians to watch and guard over things, but unless certain conditions are met they don’t actively fight or are allowed to do harm. They can combat, spar, attack each other sure, especially if they need to work out any level of violence or desire to harm another being. They can take the punishment, and they’re essentially bound to stop before they actually kill one another. They’re forced to share each others burdens, a basically thing like a sharing of memories, emotions, functions...to have such actions crossed over multiple Monsters lessens the effects of the high LV although not by much. Any Monster’s left over from the War are similarly bound to another Monster with either no LV, or a very minimal amount of it. They have rules, regulations, conditions on their abilities to combat. They are limited in what they can or cannot do for the protection of others and for the protection in some respects for themselves. They tend to obsess over things, display one emotion or action more prominantly over others.

Sans is apathetic, Gerson is cruel in his words sometimes, sarcastic, cynical. Riverperson is cryptic, lyrical, often sings. Grillby is silent, stoic, primarily solitary. Gaster is obsessed with science, with removing the barrier, with the Void and all the things that essentially led to his erasure from existence.

This isn’t to say they don’t feel positive things, because they do, just that these singular points tend to overtake their focus more often than not. These singular emotional responses tend to be more prominent.

So yeah, there’s the whole shebang.

[ihtspirit]

Houston-area schools adopt mindfulness practices to increase learning

Houston-area schools adopt mindfulness practices to increase learning Originally published July 31, 2019 in the Houston Chronicle. By Allison Bagley You don’t need a mat to get the centuries-old benefits of yoga, experts say. As the school year approaches, districts across Houston are incorporating basic chair-based yoga movements, intentional breathing and other mindfulness practices into the daily classroom routine. https://ihtusa.com https://ihtusa.com/houston-area-schools-adopt-mindfulness-practices-to-increase-learning/ Originally published July 31, 2019 in the Houston Chronicle. By Allison Bagley You don’t need a mat to get the centuries-old benefits of yoga, experts say. As the school year approaches, districts across Houston are incorporating basic chair-based yoga movements, intentional breathing and other mindfulness practices into the daily classroom routine. [caption id="attachment_19221" align="alignright" width="500"] Getty Images[/caption] The techniques are calming and lead to better learning. The benefits extend to teachers, too. “In the classroom, you’re not going to break into downward dog,” says Helen Wagner, physical education and wellness coordinator for Humble ISD. However, when children spend about three minutes stretching from their chairs, it resets their mind and helps them to better focus. She trains teachers on movements that direct kids to physically cross the body’s midline and engage their core, such as a small twist with both hands to their left side, then their right. Another simple practice is ankle and wrist rotations. Kids are taught basic breathing exercises, such as a deep inhale while holding up their arms. Once the practices are learned, students can practice the calming exercises on their own when needed, Wagner says. “Something is stressing me out,” she imagines kids thinking. “I’m working on a problem that’s difficult. When that tension begins, what are some techniques I can use so I can be a better thinker?” Students benefit when they can self-manage and regulate their own behavior, she says. Yoga helps with all three types of learning — visual, kinesthetic and auditory, she says. In Humble schools, some physical education classes have added yoga units, with positive feedback from students. After a few minutes of mindful breathing and stretching, perhaps with the lights turned off in the gym, middle schoolers will tell their instructors, “Wow, I just needed that time to slow down, take a breath and relax,” Wagner says. “They felt like they reconnected with their inner self,” she says. “To me, that was extremely powerful.” They’ll return to class ready to learn. In the classroom, Humble ISD allows kids opportunities to get out of their chairs for movement to increase memory, recall, attention and focus. This kinesthetic-based learning is used only for reinforcing lessons, Wagner says, not for new learning. To get the blood flowing to the brain, kids can stand and use a balance board while practicing math facts, for example. Some rooms offer standing desks and other flexible seating options. Stretch bands, juggling scarves and fidget busters are on hand in others. “We know when people are moving they’re engaging more,” Wagner says. Movement strengthens neural pathways, which “makes the learning stick,” she says.

Yoga off the mat

As the founder of Yogiños: Yoga for Youth, Houston-based Beth Reese has trained teachers and staff on mindfulness practices at independent school districts in San Antonio and Corpus Christi. Locally, she works with Montessori schools including The Post Oak School. “I often joke ‘yoga’ in school was like a bad word,” Reese says, explaining the “dramatic shift” she’s observed in the past decade of more schools adopting yoga-based and mindfulness practices. The practices result in better attendance, better test scores and less after-school detention, she says. She tells teachers it’s the frequency of the practices, not the duration, that makes a difference. In this way, it’s not unlike practicing spelling words or lifting weights. When she leads professional development, teachers sometimes tell her they’re worried the practices will take away from instruction time. Reese says the opposite is true. Teaching self-regulation to kids will decrease the time teachers spend managing behavioral issues and interruptions. Adults often realize they benefit from the practices, as well. Teachers get tired, anxious and frustrated, too, Reese says. Practicing what she calls “yoga off the mat” calms the nervous system. One example is pausing to give yourself a bear hug. Or, before or during a test, kids can do a simple twist in their chair. “It helps your body to wake up a little bit,” she says. At some schools she works with, the principal incorporates the practices over the loudspeaker during morning announcements.

Reducing school-day stress

Some districts are incorporating mindfulness practices most heavily at the elementary and middle school levels, but Amanda Thompson says it’s crucial for high schoolers as well. Thompson is a licensed social worker contracted at Stratford High School in Spring Branch ISD through Communities in Schools. “The stress level, I believe, for high school students is so extremely high,” she says. “The expectations are so high, thinking about college and just trying to balance everything on their plate.” In addition to schoolwork, some students have after-school jobs or are responsible for babysitting their siblings, on top of extracurricular activities. Students visit counselors experiencing panic attacks, high anxiety, burnout and depression, she says. Staff are trained to incorporate mindfulness activities that make the students aware of their five senses, she says, to reduce heart rate and blood pressure. In one group counseling session last year, Thompson led a group of girls in guided meditation. She also launched Stratford’s first Wellness Week. Part of Wellness Week was a one-hour yoga class. The optional session took place between lunch periods and was attended by about 50 students. High schoolers tend to be boisterous, Thompson says. Most of them arrived in packs of friends and as the session started, there was a lot of laughter and jokes. “By the end, it was totally calm — there wasn’t a noise to be heard,” she says. The kids might have been as surprised as she was. “They said they felt so incredibly relaxed and felt more in tune with their bodies and better prepared to handle the rest of the day,” she says. “It was something they hadn’t felt in a long time.” On other days during Wellness Week, students made stress balls by filling balloons with flour and decorating them. They popped away stress with bubble wrap and blew childhood-era bubbles. On “Keep Your Cool Day,” they enjoyed popsicles. Another morning, doughnuts were served with the message “Donut Worry About It.” At all the events, kids received flyers with quick stress-reducing practices. Along with practicing positive self-talk, all of these are forms of self-care, Thompson says. “Mindfulness is really about being self-aware of the thoughts that you’re having,” she says. “Society is having an epidemic of burnout and stress. We’re in this culture of busy-ness and we don’t take the time to check in with ourselves.” For its part, HISD began incorporating mindfulness training for staff in 2015, says Felicia Ceaser-White, the district’s manager of health and physical education. In the upcoming school year, many teachers of core curriculum will begin class by leading simple breathing techniques while the kids close their eyes and hear verbal affirmation and motivational messages. “Kids come to school with a lot of things,” Ceaser-White explains. Across the nation, she says, opportunities for students to be physically active during the school day is decreasing. Teachers are looking for chances during the day for physical movement to propel learning. During recess, some HISD instructors walk or run the track with their kids. Seeing their teacher exercise encourages the students to do the same, Ceaser-White says, and the teachers feel reenergized when they return to the classroom. “Students are ready to learn and teachers are ready to teach, just after a brief moment of physical activity,” she says. Pairing that with lessons in nutrition helps HISD develop a “whole child,” she says, rather than focusing only on academic success.

Putting the practice to paper

Adiaha Spinks-Franklin is a developmental-behavioral pediatrician at Texas Children’s Hospital who works with patients with developmental disabilities and behavior disorders. She says the practices she uses in a clinic setting can be applied to the classroom to reduce anxiety, worry, temper outbursts and self-control. Yoga-based exercises and breathing techniques calm the sympathetic nervous system, she says, which activates our sense of fight-flight freeze. That “survival mode” is triggered by physical, emotional or psychological stress, she says. Kids need to turn off that response to think more clearly, and she recommends the 4-7-8 technique. It’s a practice of inhaling for four seconds, holding the breath for seven seconds, then slowly exhaling for eight seconds. The exercise should be repeated at least five times to be successful. It’s helpful with test-taking anxiety and before a performance, speech or concert, she says. “It’s very easy. Heck, I even do it in traffic.” Another practice Spinks-Franklin recommends is gratitude journaling. Emerging research shows this deliberate form of journaling produces endorphins the developing brain craves, she says. On a daily basis, she tells kids to write down three things they’re grateful for. It might be as inconsequential as seeing a butterfly or sitting next to their best friend at lunch. The practice forces the brain to process positive thoughts, in addition to negative thoughts adolescents might be feeling. Patients tell her the journaling decreases their worries and helps them sleep. “The more they journal, the more things they can think of they’re thankful for,” she says. Not unlike yoga-based movements and breathing techniques, the key is daily practice. “It’s good for the mind and the mood as well.”

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[nancygduarteus]

Under the Depression Helmet

The last two weeks have been frenetic for Bre Hushaw, who is now known to millions of people as the girl in the depression helmet.

Hushaw has been hearing from people all around the world who want to try it, or at least to know how it works. Her life as a meme began when she agreed to an on-camera interview with the local-news site AZfamily.com for a story headlined “Helmet Approved by FDA to Treat Depression Available in Arizona.” The feel-good tale of Hushaw’s miraculous recovery from severe depression was tossed into the decontextualizing maw of the internet and distilled down to a screenshot of a young woman looking like a listless stormtrooper.

Jokes poured in. Some of the most popular, each with more than 100,000 likes on Twitter, include: “If u see me with this ugly ass helmet mind ur business.” “Friend: hey everything alright? Me, wearing depression helmet: yeah I’m just tired.” “The depression helmet STAYS ON during sex.”

Hushaw has been tracking the virality, sometimes cringing and sometimes laughing. She replies to as many serious inquiries as she can, while finishing up her senior year at the University of Northern Arizona before starting a job in marketing. A year ago, she didn’t think she was going to live to graduation. Back when she was 10 years old, her mother died. Her depression symptoms waxed and waned from then on, and they waxed especially when she heard the gunshots on her campus during a shooting at the school in 2015. She tried many medications over the years—14, by her count.

“From age 15 until I was 20, I was extremely suicidal, and I was self-harming,” she told me last week. She recounted multiple related hospitalizations, and a gradual loss of faith in the medical system.

So last year, when Hushaw learned of a helmet that promised to magnetically rewire her brain, she saw this as an obvious yes. The helmet contains magnets that exert energy on the electrical functioning of the brain, a process known as transcranial magnetic stimulation, or TMS. Hushaw went to a clinic and absorbed electrical impulses for 20 minutes every (business) day for six weeks.

[Read: Why a ‘lifesaving’ depression treatment didn't pass clinical trials]

Though Hushaw likens the feeling to being “tapped” by a pencil, the chin strap makes it appear as if the helmet is going to blast her with energy. This didn’t help with the jokes. I retweeted the news story with, “After wearing it you feel like a weight has been lifted off you.” That made me feel clever until I actually read the story and saw that Hushaw said almost exactly the same thing—“I felt like there was a huge blanket that was lifted off my shoulders and I felt completely free”—referring to suicidal depression.

Hushaw is okay with it. Despite the mockery, she’s overall thrilled by the attention given to the helmet. The image above is a recreation—she went back to the clinic to take the photo, and she sent it to me. I didn’t ask her to do this. But she is passionate: “I just want to make sure that people are getting help,” she said. “I had a friend commit suicide on my campus and I just never want that to happen again.”

As she put it multiple times, “It actually, really saved my life.”

The attention Hushaw’s story received is testament to how few people know what to make of TMS. Even when I surveyed physician friends about it, several hadn’t heard of it, and no one had seen it used in more than a rare case. It is certainly not woven into typical treatment plans.

Researchers at some academic institutions are taking the technology seriously. Yale has a Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Research Clinic, and the service is offered at Johns Hopkins. There have been numerous studies suggesting promising clinical uses, including one this week in the journal Neurology. But the mechanisms proposed are vague. TMS may be beneficial in treating addiction, according to a 2017 paper in Nature Neuroscience Reviews, by “influencing neural activity ... throughout the brain.” According to the Mayo Clinic: “Though the biology of why TMS works isn’t completely understood, the stimulation appears to impact how the brain is working, which in turn seems to ease depression symptoms and improve mood.”

Yes, TMS seems to impact how the brain is working. These statements are not abdications of explanatory burden, but come close to the extent of what is known. Serenity Mental Health Centers, the Arizona clinic that provided Hushaw with the electromagnetic treatment, claim that “people with depression often have areas of their brain with decreased activity, and people with [obsessive-compulsive disorder] often have overactive areas of their brain, so TMS stimulates and resets those regions of the brain.”

The notion that the device has dramatic effects on the structure or function of the brain is at odds, though, with the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s classification. In March, the regulatory agency issued a rule deeming them Class II medical devices, along with electric wheelchairs and pregnancy tests, which means that they are presumed to be safe. Most therapeutic devices that affect human physiology are Class III, which would certainly be the case with anything that “resets the brain.” The FDA argued that a Class II designation would “enhance patients’ access to beneficial innovation, in part by reducing regulatory burdens by placing the device into a lower device class than the automatic Class III assignment.”

BRE HUSHAW

The first TMS helmet approved by the FDA, Neurostar, was for treatment of major depressive disorder, in 2008. Others have been since, as the market began to boom. On Tuesday, Brainsway, the company that made the helmet used by Hushaw, announced its initial public offering. Brainsway was also approved for obsessive-compulsive disorder in August of 2018, and the publicity efforts around this approval were what eventually led to Hushaw’s news fame, according to the marketing director of the clinic that provides the helmet, Sunrise Mental Health Centers.

This marketing director, Candise Miller, has her own miraculous personal story of recovery via TMS. “My life is forever changed. I’m a completely different person,” she told me. She asked me to include a link to the clinic’s home page, which features her testimonial but does not mention that she is director of marketing.

Until the FDA’s new classification this year, the agency had reigned in marketing of such health claims by requiring pre-market approval for TMS devices. Manufacturers had to submit evidence that the devices had no immediately obvious adverse effects and at least a small amount effectiveness. For instance, the FDA said it based approval of Brainsway for OCD on a single study of 100 people, which showed improvements in some patients. A control group wore actual TMS helmets that secretly weren’t turned on. Presumably due to placebo effect, this group also saw an 11 percent decrease in symptoms.

Like most treatments in psychiatry, there is value in showing up, and in believing you are being treated. These and other mechanisms are mysterious, and the effects are unreliable—attesting to the complexity of mental illness, and the many factors that go into causing and treating it.

The basic idea of shocking the system into compliance has deep roots. Since electroconvulsive therapy was introduced almost a century ago, the approach has been shown to unreliably but sometimes dramatically effective for treatment of severe depression. At least partly due to its barbaric connotations and the uncertainty of the outcomes, electroconvulsive therapy remains one of the most controversial treatments in medicine. It isn’t practiced by most psychiatrists.

The electrical charges delivered by TMS are meant to be more focused, but still very powerful. Inside the helmet, a series of looped wires are connected to capacitors that pass electrical currents through them in bursts. Pulses generate a secondary electric current that alters the electric fields in the brain, depolarizing neurons and causing them to fire. The scalp and skull do not shield the electrical processes in the brain from such a force any more than a cubicle wall shields your ears from a colleague who is incapable of keeping their phone on silent.

Whether or how TMS would cause lasting change in brain function is not entirely clear. The concept was introduced in 1985 at the University of Sheffield, in England, as a diagnostic and mapping tool for the motor cortex. The technology can reliably be used to make a person’s legs jerk, but the ostensible aim of the current treatments is to reach beyond transient cortical activity and fundamentally alter the brain’s circuitry. And unlike the invasive neurological procedure of deep-brain stimulation, which has proven useful in treating OCD as well as Parkinson’s disease and other conditions, the helmet doesn’t require any holes in the skull and electrodes planted in the brain.

But TMS’s marketing claims raise questions about how the helmet’s electrical currents could reach the brain’s emotion-driving portions without causing any unwanted cortical activity or serious adverse effects. In electroconvulsive therapy, a person must be anesthetized and made to convulse, and this was always seen as an unfortunate byproduct of the attempt to reset deeper parts of the nervous system. TMS requires no sedation, and only rarely causes seizures. (The sessions are still supposed to be closely monitored by a licensed technician—and the helmet is not supposed to be worn in public, as was implied in most of the jokes that hit the internet last week.)

The only people who claim to know precisely how these helmets treat such complex sociocultural-behavioral conditions as depression and anxiety are the ones selling treatment with the machine, or machines themselves. As TeeJay Tripp, the medical director of Arizona’s Sunrise Mental Health Centers who treated Hushaw, understands it, TMS activates the prefrontal cortex, which can lead to downstream effects that ultimately impact the amygdala or other deep structures tied to emotion.

The lack of understanding about what might be happening in those deep structures is paired with uncertainty about what parts of the cortex should be stimulated in the first place. The common wisdom among TMS practitioners is that depression occurs in the right side of the brain and anxiety on the left. Depending on which you have, the energy needs to be focused on one side. But this two-sided model of the brain is not supported by any neuroscience text I can find.

In addition to treatments for depression and anxiety, Sunrise Mental Health Centers also offers to provide TMS for: “ADD/ADHD, addiction, Alzheimer’s disease, anxiety, autism, bipolar disorder, chronic pain, eating disorders, multiple sclerosis, schizophrenia, stroke rehabilitation, and substance abuse.” The FDA has only approved TMS for depression and OCD, but the approach can still legally be used “off-label.” When asked where in the brain electricity should be applied for these various conditions, Tripp says he bases his treatment on a mix of trial and error, along with whatever small studies have been done on any particular condition. Most notably among these uses, he and other practitioners have begun putting the helmets on children with autism.

I asked Tripp if he was concerned about potential long-term repercussions, or simply about rewiring the wrong area. He cited the fact that the FDA had approved the helmet 10 years ago (for use in depression), and there has been no research showing long-term harm yet. Miller, Sunrise’s marketing director, believes that TMS’s overhead so far has prevented it from being more widely known and used; she put the ballpark cost of a Brainsway at $200,000. She also contends that uptake has been slow because of “Western medicine’s reliance on pharmaceuticals,” and the insurance companies’ unwillingness to pay for it.

Insurance companies are increasingly covering the treatment, though. Direct-to-consumer marketing has increased demand in recent years, practitioners tell me, and many plans will cover the $10,000 to $12,000 treatment for people who haven’t responded to trials of medications and therapy.

This is how LeeAnn Tucker afforded six weeks in the helmet. A 47-year-old former elementary school teacher in the Houston Area, she spent two decades “on and off of every antidepressant,” she says. She has been diagnosed with bipolar II, and she also has generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and panic attacks. The anxiety has led her to develop agoraphobia. “I don’t leave my house unless I absolutely have to. It’s just bad,” she says. “Sometimes if I’m in the grocery store I will have to leave my cart and just go home.”

Tucker has also been suicidal. “The suicidal thoughts were so severe that I never told anyone,” she told me, “not my doctor, not my husband. Because when you tell someone, then they’ll try to save you.”

A few years ago, she began seeing a new psychiatrist who had a video commercial for the Neurostar TMS helmet playing on a loop in his waiting room. (Neurostar provides all marketing material for patients. Clinicians buy the machine, and they also pay for each use of it.) She was convinced to try it. She was “tapped,” as they call it, “on the left side for depression, and on the right side for anxiety.” She sent me a video from her phone of her undergoing treatment. Her face is expressionless, and the piercing blasts sound like laser guns.

After six weeks of daily treatment, Tucker saw no improvement. “I would love to say it worked, but I felt no different when it was over,” she says. “I’m still depressed as fuck.”

One thing that did help, though, was that Tucker made friends with her technician, Allison Rose Zartier, over the course of weeks of treatment. “Having someone like Allison administer TMS was actually the best part for me,” Tucker says. Zartier, who is now the TMS coordinator at a business called Elite Medical Wellness in Lake Charles, Louisiana, says she finds it unbelievable that some practitioners leave people alone during the 20-to-30-minute treatments. Some of the biggest benefits she has seen have come through talking to people while the magnets are firing. She says that a recently retired CEO needed to find a way to have purpose with all of his free time. Another extremely isolated person felt better after Zartier recommended a dog.

Advocates of the depression helmet consider the treatment great if it ends up actually helping even a small number (and harming fewer than it helps). For ECT and TMS, and anything that proposes to offer a hard restart to your central nervous system, the health risks cannot be zero—and should be expected to be significant. TMS and other high-tech, high-cost treatments also have the potential to divert focus from social, structural, and preventive support—the basic elements of health that, when ignored, often manifest as depressive symptoms.

[Read: The diet that might cure depression]

The medical model of depression tends to offer treatments that imply they can fix emotions that may actually be related to a need to feel valued and secure. Addressing these and other basic imperatives—to sleep and eat well, and be physically active and socially connected—is the first priority for treating and preventing most illnesses, mental and otherwise. This emphasis can be lost when an expensive magnetic helmet that promises to make the feelings somehow simply go away is seen as anything other than a last resort.

Zartier went through TMS herself, and told me she was able to stop taking antidepressants shortly after. She now runs a Facebook support group for TMS patients, in which Hushaw is also active. Zartier says the shared experience of having gone through this process fosters a sense of community. It’s also a tool for recruiting prospective patients. Zartier says the $12,000 cost can be well worth it. She tells people it’s like “going to the gym, but for your brain.”

That community is growing. “It keeps climbing faster, especially in the last four months. The word is finally getting out there,” Zartier says, which she believes is partly because Neurostar is now running television commercials. And she’s seeing ever more parents in the concerned Facebook community bringing in children.

“I had a 10th grader who was suicidal, and I saw the pain in her eyes,” she says. “The younger you are, the more the brain can be affected—their brains seem to want to change.”

from Health News And Updates https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/04/depression-helmet/587242/?utm_source=feed

[ionecoffman]

Under the Depression Helmet

The last two weeks have been frenetic for Bre Hushaw, who is now known to millions of people as the girl in the depression helmet.

Hushaw has been hearing from people all around the world who want to try it, or at least to know how it works. Her life as a meme began when she agreed to an on-camera interview with the local-news site AZfamily.com for a story headlined “Helmet Approved by FDA to Treat Depression Available in Arizona.” The feel-good tale of Hushaw’s miraculous recovery from severe depression was tossed into the decontextualizing maw of the internet and distilled down to a screenshot of a young woman looking like a listless stormtrooper.

Jokes poured in. Some of the most popular, each with more than 100,000 likes on Twitter, include: “If u see me with this ugly ass helmet mind ur business.” “Friend: hey everything alright? Me, wearing depression helmet: yeah I’m just tired.” “The depression helmet STAYS ON during sex.”

Hushaw has been tracking the virality, sometimes cringing and sometimes laughing. She replies to as many serious inquiries as she can, while finishing up her senior year at the University of Northern Arizona before starting a job in marketing. A year ago, she didn’t think she was going to live to graduation. Back when she was 10 years old, her mother died. Her depression symptoms waxed and waned from then on, and they waxed especially when she heard the gunshots on her campus during a shooting at the school in 2015. She tried many medications over the years—14, by her count.

“From age 15 until I was 20, I was extremely suicidal, and I was self-harming,” she told me last week. She recounted multiple related hospitalizations, and a gradual loss of faith in the medical system.

So last year, when Hushaw learned of a helmet that promised to magnetically rewire her brain, she saw this as an obvious yes. The helmet contains magnets that exert energy on the electrical functioning of the brain, a process known as transcranial magnetic stimulation, or TMS. Hushaw went to a clinic and absorbed electrical impulses for 20 minutes every (business) day for six weeks.

[Read: Why a ‘lifesaving’ depression treatment didn't pass clinical trials]

Though Hushaw likens the feeling to being “tapped” by a pencil, the chin strap makes it appear as if the helmet is going to blast her with energy. This didn’t help with the jokes. I retweeted the news story with, “After wearing it you feel like a weight has been lifted off you.” That made me feel clever until I actually read the story and saw that Hushaw said almost exactly the same thing—“I felt like there was a huge blanket that was lifted off my shoulders and I felt completely free”—referring to suicidal depression.

Hushaw is okay with it. Despite the mockery, she’s overall thrilled by the attention given to the helmet. The image above is a recreation—she went back to the clinic to take the photo, and she sent it to me. I didn’t ask her to do this. But she is passionate: “I just want to make sure that people are getting help,” she said. “I had a friend commit suicide on my campus and I just never want that to happen again.”

As she put it multiple times, “It actually, really saved my life.”

The attention Hushaw’s story received is testament to how few people know what to make of TMS. Even when I surveyed physician friends about it, several hadn’t heard of it, and no one had seen it used in more than a rare case. It is certainly not woven into typical treatment plans.

Researchers at some academic institutions are taking the technology seriously. Yale has a Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Research Clinic, and the service is offered at Johns Hopkins. There have been numerous studies suggesting promising clinical uses, including one this week in the journal Neurology. But the mechanisms proposed are vague. TMS may be beneficial in treating addiction, according to a 2017 paper in Nature Neuroscience Reviews, by “influencing neural activity ... throughout the brain.” According to the Mayo Clinic: “Though the biology of why TMS works isn’t completely understood, the stimulation appears to impact how the brain is working, which in turn seems to ease depression symptoms and improve mood.”

Yes, TMS seems to impact how the brain is working. These statements are not abdications of explanatory burden, but come close to the extent of what is known. Serenity Mental Health Centers, the Arizona clinic that provided Hushaw with the electromagnetic treatment, claim that “people with depression often have areas of their brain with decreased activity, and people with [obsessive-compulsive disorder] often have overactive areas of their brain, so TMS stimulates and resets those regions of the brain.”

The notion that the device has dramatic effects on the structure or function of the brain is at odds, though, with the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s classification. In March, the regulatory agency issued a rule deeming them Class II medical devices, along with electric wheelchairs and pregnancy tests, which means that they are presumed to be safe. Most therapeutic devices that affect human physiology are Class III, which would certainly be the case with anything that “resets the brain.” The FDA argued that a Class II designation would “enhance patients’ access to beneficial innovation, in part by reducing regulatory burdens by placing the device into a lower device class than the automatic Class III assignment.”

BRE HUSHAW

The first TMS helmet approved by the FDA, Neurostar, was for treatment of major depressive disorder, in 2008. Others have been since, as the market began to boom. On Tuesday, Brainsway, the company that made the helmet used by Hushaw, announced its initial public offering. Brainsway was also approved for obsessive-compulsive disorder in August of 2018, and the publicity efforts around this approval were what eventually led to Hushaw’s news fame, according to the marketing director of the clinic that provides the helmet, Sunrise Mental Health Centers.

This marketing director, Candise Miller, has her own miraculous personal story of recovery via TMS. “My life is forever changed. I’m a completely different person,” she told me. She asked me to include a link to the clinic’s home page, which features her testimonial but does not mention that she is director of marketing.

Until the FDA’s new classification this year, the agency had reigned in marketing of such health claims by requiring pre-market approval for TMS devices. Manufacturers had to submit evidence that the devices had no immediately obvious adverse effects and at least a small amount effectiveness. For instance, the FDA said it based approval of Brainsway for OCD on a single study of 100 people, which showed improvements in some patients. A control group wore actual TMS helmets that secretly weren’t turned on. Presumably due to placebo effect, this group also saw an 11 percent decrease in symptoms.

Like most treatments in psychiatry, there is value in showing up, and in believing you are being treated. These and other mechanisms are mysterious, and the effects are unreliable—attesting to the complexity of mental illness, and the many factors that go into causing and treating it.

The basic idea of shocking the system into compliance has deep roots. Since electroconvulsive therapy was introduced almost a century ago, the approach has been shown to unreliably but sometimes dramatically effective for treatment of severe depression. At least partly due to its barbaric connotations and the uncertainty of the outcomes, electroconvulsive therapy remains one of the most controversial treatments in medicine. It isn’t practiced by most psychiatrists.

The electrical charges delivered by TMS are meant to be more focused, but still very powerful. Inside the helmet, a series of looped wires are connected to capacitors that pass electrical currents through them in bursts. Pulses generate a secondary electric current that alters the electric fields in the brain, depolarizing neurons and causing them to fire. The scalp and skull do not shield the electrical processes in the brain from such a force any more than a cubicle wall shields your ears from a colleague who is incapable of keeping their phone on silent.

Whether or how TMS would cause lasting change in brain function is not entirely clear. The concept was introduced in 1985 at the University of Sheffield, in England, as a diagnostic and mapping tool for the motor cortex. The technology can reliably be used to make a person’s legs jerk, but the ostensible aim of the current treatments is to reach beyond transient cortical activity and fundamentally alter the brain’s circuitry. And unlike the invasive neurological procedure of deep-brain stimulation, which has proven useful in treating OCD as well as Parkinson’s disease and other conditions, the helmet doesn’t require any holes in the skull and electrodes planted in the brain.

But TMS’s marketing claims raise questions about how the helmet’s electrical currents could reach the brain’s emotion-driving portions without causing any unwanted cortical activity or serious adverse effects. In electroconvulsive therapy, a person must be anesthetized and made to convulse, and this was always seen as an unfortunate byproduct of the attempt to reset deeper parts of the nervous system. TMS requires no sedation, and only rarely causes seizures. (The sessions are still supposed to be closely monitored by a licensed technician—and the helmet is not supposed to be worn in public, as was implied in most of the jokes that hit the internet last week.)

The only people who claim to know precisely how these helmets treat such complex sociocultural-behavioral conditions as depression and anxiety are the ones selling treatment with the machine, or machines themselves. As TeeJay Tripp, the medical director of Arizona’s Sunrise Mental Health Centers who treated Hushaw, understands it, TMS activates the prefrontal cortex, which can lead to downstream effects that ultimately impact the amygdala or other deep structures tied to emotion.

The lack of understanding about what might be happening in those deep structures is paired with uncertainty about what parts of the cortex should be stimulated in the first place. The common wisdom among TMS practitioners is that depression occurs in the right side of the brain and anxiety on the left. Depending on which you have, the energy needs to be focused on one side. But this two-sided model of the brain is not supported by any neuroscience text I can find.

In addition to treatments for depression and anxiety, Sunrise Mental Health Centers also offers to provide TMS for: “ADD/ADHD, addiction, Alzheimer’s disease, anxiety, autism, bipolar disorder, chronic pain, eating disorders, multiple sclerosis, schizophrenia, stroke rehabilitation, and substance abuse.” The FDA has only approved TMS for depression and OCD, but the approach can still legally be used “off-label.” When asked where in the brain electricity should be applied for these various conditions, Tripp says he bases his treatment on a mix of trial and error, along with whatever small studies have been done on any particular condition. Most notably among these uses, he and other practitioners have begun putting the helmets on children with autism.

I asked Tripp if he was concerned about potential long-term repercussions, or simply about rewiring the wrong area. He cited the fact that the FDA had approved the helmet 10 years ago (for use in depression), and there has been no research showing long-term harm yet. Miller, Sunrise’s marketing director, believes that TMS’s overhead so far has prevented it from being more widely known and used; she put the ballpark cost of a Brainsway at $200,000. She also contends that uptake has been slow because of “Western medicine’s reliance on pharmaceuticals,” and the insurance companies’ unwillingness to pay for it.

Insurance companies are increasingly covering the treatment, though. Direct-to-consumer marketing has increased demand in recent years, practitioners tell me, and many plans will cover the $10,000 to $12,000 treatment for people who haven’t responded to trials of medications and therapy.

This is how LeeAnn Tucker afforded six weeks in the helmet. A 47-year-old former elementary school teacher in the Houston Area, she spent two decades “on and off of every antidepressant,” she says. She has been diagnosed with bipolar II, and she also has generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and panic attacks. The anxiety has led her to develop agoraphobia. “I don’t leave my house unless I absolutely have to. It’s just bad,” she says. “Sometimes if I’m in the grocery store I will have to leave my cart and just go home.”

Tucker has also been suicidal. “The suicidal thoughts were so severe that I never told anyone,” she told me, “not my doctor, not my husband. Because when you tell someone, then they’ll try to save you.”

A few years ago, she began seeing a new psychiatrist who had a video commercial for the Neurostar TMS helmet playing on a loop in his waiting room. (Neurostar provides all marketing material for patients. Clinicians buy the machine, and they also pay for each use of it.) She was convinced to try it. She was “tapped,” as they call it, “on the left side for depression, and on the right side for anxiety.” She sent me a video from her phone of her undergoing treatment. Her face is expressionless, and the piercing blasts sound like laser guns.

After six weeks of daily treatment, Tucker saw no improvement. “I would love to say it worked, but I felt no different when it was over,” she says. “I’m still depressed as fuck.”

One thing that did help, though, was that Tucker made friends with her technician, Allison Rose Zartier, over the course of weeks of treatment. “Having someone like Allison administer TMS was actually the best part for me,” Tucker says. Zartier, who is now the TMS coordinator at a business called Elite Medical Wellness in Lake Charles, Louisiana, says she finds it unbelievable that some practitioners leave people alone during the 20-to-30-minute treatments. Some of the biggest benefits she has seen have come through talking to people while the magnets are firing. She says that a recently retired CEO needed to find a way to have purpose with all of his free time. Another extremely isolated person felt better after Zartier recommended a dog.

Advocates of the depression helmet consider the treatment great if it ends up actually helping even a small number (and harming fewer than it helps). For ECT and TMS, and anything that proposes to offer a hard restart to your central nervous system, the health risks cannot be zero—and should be expected to be significant. TMS and other high-tech, high-cost treatments also have the potential to divert focus from social, structural, and preventive support—the basic elements of health that, when ignored, often manifest as depressive symptoms.

[Read: The diet that might cure depression]

The medical model of depression tends to offer treatments that imply they can fix emotions that may actually be related to a need to feel valued and secure. Addressing these and other basic imperatives—to sleep and eat well, and be physically active and socially connected—is the first priority for treating and preventing most illnesses, mental and otherwise. This emphasis can be lost when an expensive magnetic helmet that promises to make the feelings somehow simply go away is seen as anything other than a last resort.

Zartier went through TMS herself, and told me she was able to stop taking antidepressants shortly after. She now runs a Facebook support group for TMS patients, in which Hushaw is also active. Zartier says the shared experience of having gone through this process fosters a sense of community. It’s also a tool for recruiting prospective patients. Zartier says the $12,000 cost can be well worth it. She tells people it’s like “going to the gym, but for your brain.”

That community is growing. “It keeps climbing faster, especially in the last four months. The word is finally getting out there,” Zartier says, which she believes is partly because Neurostar is now running television commercials. And she’s seeing ever more parents in the concerned Facebook community bringing in children.

“I had a 10th grader who was suicidal, and I saw the pain in her eyes,” she says. “The younger you are, the more the brain can be affected—their brains seem to want to change.”

Article source here:The Atlantic