#i think it would be a decent and doable job if not for the fact the general workforce tries to spit disabled people back out with vitriol

[tautozhone]

the corporate ADA office at my new job has spent weeks trying to do shit i wasn’t prepared for and i’m terrified they’ll quiet fire me about it but to that i’ll take fucking unemployment from them

[bugrry]

Bookstore Girl || ellie williams x fem!reader

hello lovelies!! firstly i want to thank @els-dayz for writing up this prompt because i've been wanting to start writing for ellie but i was suffering from some crippling writer's block and couldn't come up with anything for the life of me. all my love goes to liyah <33

masterlist || requests are open

word count: 2.7k

warnings: none i think! just wlw sweetness <3

You really hadn’t wanted to leave the Boise QZ. You’d grown up there; you had friends, a decent job posting, and most importantly, no real idea of where else you could even go. But the FEDRA officers had started crossing lines. They’d started to withhold ration cards, raided homes when they knew the occupants were out on job details, and even brutalized those who disobeyed even the smallest rules. You had tried to be an obedient citizen, but you could feel things were getting worse. You couldn’t just stick around and wait to get killed. This had been your home, but it was becoming more and more unrecognizable with every passing day. 

So you made a plan to get out. 

You had been hearing whispers of a large settlement in western Wyoming, and after spending a few days studying old maps, you deemed the journey doable. 

After packing a few bags, circling Jackson on the map, and waiting for the sun to go down, you finally put the plan you’d been piecing together into action. Your escape went by in a blur, but somehow, by sheer luck, you’d wormed your way into FEDRA’s stables and made away with one of their horses. 

The ride took you about a week. You were grateful you’d chosen to leave before the winter became too brutal, but the wind still whipped at any bare skin. By the time you came upon the Jackson city limits, your whole body ached, your hands were nearly raw, and you were sure you reeked. Once they had deemed you as someone who was not a threat to their community, you were allowed inside the walls. You were pleasantly surprised by how tightly knit the community was. Everyone seemed to know everyone, and they all just wanted the best for one another. There were no officers berating citizens, no one hiding in alleys to avoid being caught, and no one shoveling anything other than snow off the paths.

You sat down with Tommy and Maria and they asked you where you were from, why you left, and what you wanted from Jackson. You told them what was happening in Boise and that, even though it pained you to admit it, the city was no longer your home. They were sympathetic, and they fixed you up in a small townhouse near the library. You were positively ecstatic. Not just at the fact that you had been welcomed into Jackson and been given a home, but at the fact that they had a library.

You’d regretfully had to leave an extensive book collection back in Boise. You wanted to bring at least a few of your favorites with you, but your bags were already packed full of supplies and you knew the additional paper would only weigh you down. So, with a sigh and embarrassingly, a few tears, you left them behind.

Now, as you walk through the aisles of the Jackson library, you feel a warmth in your chest that you hadn’t felt in months. You’re absolutely elated at the idea of being able to just walk in and read books you’ve never even heard of instead of having to trade a portion of your weekly ration cards for a new book. You run a finger over the spines of the books as they sat on their shelves, and would occasionally pull out a title that speaks to you.

As you round a corner in order to comb through another row of books, your eyes catch on a title you’ve been in love with for years and you find yourself drawn to it like a magnet. You had been absolutely devastated when you’d had to leave it behind, and had it been a shorter book you would have taken it along with you, but your copy just took up too much space for you to be able to justify it. 

The book sits on the top shelf, just barely out of your reach, and you huff as you approach it. You turn to look for a step stool or ladder of some kind when your eyes land on a girl instead. She has her head bent over a book as she reads the back cover with a soft frown on her face. Her chin-length auburn hair frames her face beautifully as a guitar sits slung over her shoulder. You find yourself captivated by her. 

She must feel you staring at her because she turns her head toward you and her frown softens as her eyes meet yours.

“I–um…” you begin to stumble out an apology as the intensity of her eyes takes you aback, “I’m sorry, I was just wondering if you could grab this book off the top shelf for me?”

You point to the book in question as she approaches you with a smile and a nod. She reaches above you and your breath catches in your throat. You catch a whiff of her and you swear your knees just about buckle in response. When she pulls away from you with the book in her hand, you find yourself missing her warmth and you almost ask her to grab another book for you just so you can be that close to her again. 

She hands you the book as she mumbles a soft, “There you are,” before she moves to turn away from you. You panic as you watch her retreating figure and you speak before you even know what you’re going to say.

“Wait!”

She turns back toward you abruptly, her eyes wide. She doesn’t walk back in your direction, but she also doesn’t continue down the aisle. You let out a breath, puffing your cheeks as you approach her. You're digging in your brain for words but become frustrated when you come up empty.  She doesn’t say anything, just raising a brow at you as you come to a stop in front of her. 

“Um…” you start, just to stop her from walking away from you again, “I’m Y/N. I’m new to Jackson and you’re, like, the first person I’ve met other than Tommy and Maria. I just wanted to introduce myself,” you say awkwardly.

The girl smiles at you softly, reaching her right hand out in offering. You grasp it and your knees almost buckle once again at the feeling of her fingers gripping your hand. 

“I’m Ellie,” she says once your hands part, “it’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” you begin to panic, you don’t know how to keep this conversation going but you do know that you never want it to end. Luckily Ellie takes that responsibility off your hands. 

“Have you, uh, had a tour of the town yet?” she asks, rubbing her hand nervously along the seam of her pants. You smile brightly at her and shake your head. She smiles back at you as though she’d just been told that she won the lottery. 

“Let me show you around then, yeah?”

“I’d like that.”

—

After the two of you check out your books and she begins to show you around Jackson, your conversation never once ceases. You two talk about everything and nothing, and by the time Ellie runs out of things to show you, you feel as though you’ve known her forever. You point out where your house is and she walks you to your door. The two of you stand on the steps leading up to your front door silently for a few moments before you turn to unlock your door.

“Wait…” Ellie starts suddenly, making you turn back toward her, “I had a lot of fun with you today. I want to see you again.”

“Well, Jackson isn’t very big, Ellie,” you chuckle.

“I mean-” she starts, but you interrupt her.

“I know what you mean, Els. I had fun today too. I definitely want to see you again,” without looking away from her, you twist the doorknob and push the door open. “You want to come inside? I…I don’t have much in the way of drinks or entertainment, but I really don’t want tonight to end.” However, when you push the door all the way open, you are reminded of the truly barren state of your new home. With a grimace, you turn back to Ellie, who is just smiling at you. 

“How about we go to my place?” she suggests instead, “I can take you shopping tomorrow if you like. Promise to get you some good stuff.”

You smile even brighter back at her, “I would love that. Show me the way?”

She nods and reaches out her hand, nodding in its direction as an instruction for you to grab it. You obey her silently, wrapping your fingers around her slender hand. She squeezes your hand and you can feel your cheeks ache from how much you’d been smiling. She leads you back down the dirt path, past the library, and it's just a few minutes farther before the two of you come up to what you assume is her home. She drops your hand to unlock and open her door, and your hand feels so cold you almost whine. Ellie pushes her door open and grabs your hand again, pulling you through the threshold. You giggle at her excitement as she leads you to her couch and sits you down. Ellie smiles down at you before she turns toward what you assume is her kitchen. After a few steps, she turns her head back toward you.

“You want anything to drink?” she asks you as she reaches into the cupboard and pulls out a couple of glasses.

“Just water, thanks.” Ellie hums in response and fulfills your request quickly. She returns to you and sits down on the couch next to you, handing you your cup. You thank her quietly and look up at her. Like before, you are positively captivated by being so close to her, you wish you could look at her for the rest of your life. She smiles softly at you and leans in. Your heart begins to race, did you brush your teeth this morning? What about your hair, is it okay? Oh God, you hope you’re not a disappointment.

She simply pecks you on the lips before pulling away, smiling all the while. 

“You’re cute,” she says before she takes a sip of her drink. You feel your face warm and you look down at your cup with an embarrassing smile on your face. 

“You’re one to talk,” you say as you look up at her through your lashes. She hums softly at you before scooching closer to you. 

“You want to watch something?”

“Sure, what do you have?”

After a few minutes of deliberation, you two decide to watch one of Ellie’s favorite movies. It ends up being some shitty action movie that you can’t bring yourself to focus on. Instead, you spend the movie sneaking peeks at the girl next to you. During a lull in the movie’s action, she catches you looking over at her, and she wraps her arm around you and pulls you closer to her. You smile and settle yourself into the space between her arm and her ribs.

Eventually, you pull away from her and ask, “can I lay my head in your lap?”

She smiles sweetly at you and nods, “only if I can play with your hair while you do it.”

You chuckle quietly and shuffle your body so that your head rests on her thighs. You don’t want to turn away from her, so you decide to just lie on your back so you can watch both her and the movie. However, you end up spending more time looking up at her as she repeatedly runs her fingers over your hair than you do the movie. Her movements are so calming and the day has been so long that you feel your eyelids getting heavy. As much as you want to keep watching her, you allow yourself to drift off.

–

You are awoken by your name being called softly and the credits rolling on the TV in front of you.

“Sorry,” you say, sitting up, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,”

“It's okay,” she says, her face flushed, “it was nice.”

You look up at her, smiling softly before you scooch up closer to her face.

“Can I kiss you?” you ask nervously, and you can feel your heartbeat in your throat. Ellie responds by planting her lips on yours and moving her hands up to cradle your head. The two of you move in sync for a few minutes before she maneuvers the two of you to lie down on the couch. She pulls away from you for a moment and speaks to you breathlessly.

“We don’t have to do anything more tonight, I just want to kiss on you for a little. There’s no pressure.”

You smile and nod, leaning back up toward her to reconnect your lips. You get lost in the smell and the taste of her and you find yourself thinking about how long she’d kiss you. She must be a mind reader because she pulls away again.

“God, I could just kiss you forever,” she pants before she connects her lips to your neck and sucks lightly. You groan quietly at the movement and feel her smile against your neck before she pulls away to press light kisses over any bare skin available to her. After she’s kissed over your whole neck, she pulls away and sits up. You almost whine, but she rubs her hands along your body, and you can’t find it in you to complain. 

“Can I take you up to my room?” she asks, and you feel your breath catch and your heart rate spike, “not to do…that. I’m sorry love, I’m too tired to treat you like you should be treated, but I really want you to stay the night.”

You smile, heaving a nervous sigh out of your mouth, “I really want me to stay the night too.”

She smiles back at you and leans down again, pressing her lips to yours before pulling your body back up with hers. You yelp as she moves your body into her arms and lifts you from the couch. You don’t see where she’s taking you, you’re too enraptured with watching her arms flex as she carries you through her house. 

Soon enough though, you’ve reached her bedroom, and she sets you down on some surprisingly comfortable sheets.

“I have some spare pajamas for you if you like, and maybe a spare toothbrush somewhere,” she says as she begins digging through her drawers. You don’t respond to her, you just watch as she putters around her room in search of nighttime toiletries to lend you. You smile at the domesticity of it all. She returns with a t-shirt, a pair of shorts, and a toothbrush.

“Got this from the commissary last week so it’s clean,” she says, handing the toothbrush to you.

“Oh,” you giggle, “were you preparing for a guest?” She laughs lightly and turns away from you to pull off her day clothes. Once again, you find yourself tracing the outline of her lean body with your eyes, and you’re transfixed by the way she moves. 

Once you’re both ready for bed, she returns to your side and pulls the covers back, ushering you to do the same. She flips the lamp off and you snuggle up to her, sighing as you return to her warmth and her smell. She wraps her arms around you and shifts you so that you’re almost laying on top of her.

“Today was a good day,” she whispers into the dark air, “I’m glad I met you.”

“I’m glad I met you too, Ellie,” you whisper back before snuggling further down, "thank you for welcoming me to Jackson," you hear yourself mutter before you drift off into the most fitful sleep you’ve ever had.

a/n - i'm not sure how i feel about this because i'm posting it while very very high but my friends say its good so here you go <33 i hope you enjoy bc i had a lot of fun writing this!!!

requests for ellie are open !!

[chocoblep]

#24: Protecting the Produce

Hinan Akaruta was a man of means. The Koi business was doing well, and the money coming in was enough to keep the business afloat and give both himself and Rhuk their own little nest eggs. He was saving for something he’d not tell anyone about (especially not Rhuk) and though he’d been steadily putting a little bit away at a time, he was concerned that at the rate he was saving, it would be at least a year before he could afford it.

Maybe he should have taken up something more practical than origami as a hobby.

He’d been contacted by an old employer about a job that would pay well, and he’d agreed to do it after he’d learned that it was short. Rhuk had insisted that he would be fine on his own for a few days with the shop, though he seemed conflicted as to whether he wanted Hinan to do the job or wanted to keep him home. The fact that there was any conflict there at all had warmth blooming in his chest, and when he left for the three day adventure, he pulled Rhuk into a massive hug and told him that he loved him more than life itself. Rhuk, for his part, had laughed and told him he’d only be gone three days, and it wouldn’t even be a dangerous job, but he loved him too.

That was how Hinan found himself helping one of the orange orchard owners in La Noscea install and test defenses and deterrents for his property. It wasn’t glamorous work, or even really fitting for a contracted mercenary, but the owner trusted him to give him honest feedback regarding where his property was most vulnerable, where many of the local contractors had little experience sneaking onto others’ property. Not that Hinan was particularly subtle, but he did a decent job adjusting and moving things as needed while testing.

When he was done, he recommended a few other things and pointed out places in the property’s fencing that needed to be repaired or replaced, and then recommended his brother when the owner asked about building a few custom storage solutions. On his way back home, said brother was on his mind, so he called him on his linkpearl.

“Hinan,” his brother answered, voice full of warmth.

“Aniki,” he began, and then smiled. He’d reached Shirogane, and didn’t have much time before he arrived home, so he walked a little slower so that he didn’t feel like he had to rush the conversation. “I’m on my way home from a job. I was just thinking about you.”

“Oh, were you?” Aeluan asked, sounding a bit surprised. Hinan wished he wouldn’t; that he had cause to doubt that anyone was thinking about him at all made Hinan’s heart hurt a little for him. For a man whose shadow far outstretched his own, he was extremely lonely.

“Yeah,” Hinan said. “And I recommended you for a build job, so you might be getting contacted soon for that.”

“A build job? It’s not making counterfeit cocks again, is it? Because I had to tell that lady she didn’t want to make those out of wood.” His voice was skeptical, wary.

Hinan burst into laughter, stopping his forward progress entirely. It took a moment for him to recover. “No, no! I swear, I didn’t know that’s what that lady wanted! No, this guy owns an orange orchard, and he needs a custom storage solution, and was also thinking about a new table and some chairs for his patio.”

“Oh! Well, that is doable. We’ll see if he gets in touch.” There was a pause, and then Aeluan spoke again. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah, Rhuk and I have been kinda busy. You wanna get together for dinner sometime soon?”

“I’d like that.”

“You at Nightingale House right now?” Hinan asked, and then added, “Because if you are, I’ll see you in about two minutes.”

“I’m at the beach house,” Aeluan said.

“Oh. Well, then I’ve gotta let ya go, but let’s get together soon, okay? I’m pretty sure I’m about to be pounced.”

Aeluan laughed. “You might be. Give Rhuk my love. And I love you, Hinan.”

“Love you too, Aelu. I’ll hug him for you.”

When he cut the linkpearl, he was halfway up the steps to the front door, and as he crossed to the hallway where the door to his suite resided, he heard it: The quiet thump of a door closing, the near-silent scuff of bare feet on wood.

“It’s just me,” he called, and Rhuk popped his head around the corner ahead of him with his ears straight up and a grin on his face. Naturally, the rest of him followed, and soon enough he was throwing himself into Hinan’s arms. They stayed there like that for a good ten seconds, before Hinan loosened his grip and leaned down to kiss Rhuk between the ears. “Orange you glad to see me? I missed you.”

“Missed you too,” Rhuk replied, and then rocked on the balls of his feet. “And that was bad! I bet you’re hungry.”

“Oh, am I ever,” Hinan groaned, and they headed into their suite. Rhuk paid special attention to him for the rest of the night, helping him to wind down after his travels, and he let him pamper him. After all, who was he to say no?

[urlocallesbiab]

today my good buddy @generalized-incompetence introduced me to the semi-canon fact that tina was supposed to have an older brother who died & that hobbs took her in because he was that that guy's best friend, AND to her headcanons that "[his death] kicked off her dark period" and "he was always the perfect older brother and she could never live up to him and now she has massive survivor's guilt"

[image ID in alt text]

and god, all of that makes so much sense, it all lines up Perfectly!! my entire vision of tina came suddenly and sharply into focus after i'd considered that info!

so, my tina tevetino hcs/reading/meta (largely sponsored and influenced by the aforementioned good buddy):

(tw for discussion of addiction)

tina has undiagnosed adhd (at the time of s2 hobbs has been gently nudging her towards examining that possibility for some time already) — a silent, perplexing, largely unnamed curse that's been plaguing her since forever, that carried her from an unruly child to a troubled teen to a hopeless adult. she had started self-medicating while still underage, trying to relieve that nagging pressure of boredom/pain/restlessness/uselessness with whatever she could bargain from partying young adults; though she wouldn't admit that it was self-medication — she was "just having fun!". and that's why her dark period is "10 to 15 years" long: there's ambiguity, because her addiction started slowly developing even before the inciting incident, but her brother's death 10 years ago is when things totally went to shit.

he was older, more mature, and always had been smarter, known better, given solid, reasonable advice that she just failed to follow; he wanted what's best for her, but she kept sliding into what's worse & easier (& livable, doable, surviviable). he tried to get her to stop doing drugs, and often grew frustrated, and she always was stubborn, and they often fought.

she was 19 that year, having a "gap year" (doing fuck all) after graduating high school, promising her family that she would start studying real soon, send out applications, get herself together, just so they would leave her and her headaches alone for a few days longer; and then it hapenned. she knew that what he would've wanted was for her to go sober, and get into a nice college, and live a good life, but the only thing she could do was to only get drunker and drunker and drunker, chasing the rare glimpses of not feeling searing pain all of the time.

hobbs couldn't bear seeing his best friend's family like that, so he offered her a position — just so that she could have something to do, as opposed to rotting in her childhood home day and night. out of loneliness, and guilt, and feeling completely, utterly lost, she accepted. she wasn't (and wouldn't later become) stellar, or decent, or even passable at her job — but hobbs never seemed to mind. clumsily and with a great deal of trouble, eventually she settled.

she never got into college, after all. she's one of those people who are a little bit lost to time, suspended in it, who under the weight of some unspeakable burden or another seem to slow down, freeze even, their 29th year on earth not too dissimilar to the 25th and that to the 20th; it's been 10 years, but she's done her best to sleep through them. you wouldn't think from looking at her (or talking to her, or hanging around her for a while, or knowing her as a person — unless she just plainly told you) that she's almost thirty; she doesn't want to think about that either.

and then comes farah black, age 21. (note 1: this age hc is based on the d.o.b. in her fbi most wanted file; note 2: i have a wagon and a lil cart of farah thoughts related to her age, but that’s a topic for another time if we want this post to ever end.)

and tina meets a person who is both a perfectly clear reflection of herself and someone who couldn't be more different from her if she tried. here she is, 20-ish, young, something inexplicably wrong with her (it's the ocd, babe), crumbling under her older brother's caring pressure, — a still snaphot in sharp focus, face to face, features aligning. but also here she is, fresher & younger and more talented, competent, better at literally everything, going through the same shit in real time, all the while tina's shit is a decade old and stale and undealt with; she's 29 and an absolute nobody and hasn't even fully moved on; grief awashes her at the realization.

but in the end, of course, it all works out: they're similar in the ways that matter and different in all the right places. farah needed to slow down, and tina needed to pick herself up; farah needed to chill out a bit, and tina needed to take herself seriously; farah needed a new perspective and tina did, tina needed to let her brother go and farah did, and they both needed to move forward. and in the end, that is what they did.

P. S. bonus hc: mustard likes rap because tina likes rap and would often come by sherlock's house and lounge about and make him switch stations on the radio because his taste in music sucks

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

All the warnings listed on Part I apply.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII / Part VIII / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

The last couple of weeks of May flew by, soon June arrived and with it even more sunny days and warmer temperatures. Peter couldn’t help but think that his life fell apart in the winter, and as summer approached, it was slowly getting back on track. He was able to save a decent amount of money every month, his apartment was coming together – he even had a dinner table and chairs by the second week of June –, he was taking on more responsibility at BFF way quicker than expected and he was happier, in general.

He felt comfortable enough to make plans again – with the steady money he was making, he might be able to give up porn in a couple of years and he would still be eligible to apply for some of BFF’s grants and scholarships, meaning he may be able to go to college at 23, after all. Money would be tight for a while, but it was doable. He could always work part-time to supplement his income as well.

Summer also brought some unexpected good news. On a random Thursday morning, he was bombarded with messages on Twitter and Instagram from people asking where they could find his videos now that Beck’s channel was down. He was confused at first, but when he went to check, the channel wasn’t there, it had disappeared from the site.

He gasped. For a total of five seconds, his mind went wild, his heart raced, and his eyes watered. For those five seconds, he felt a mixture of happiness, relief and confusion, knowing those videos weren’t out there anymore, couldn’t be found, couldn’t be seen, couldn’t be remembered. But it was only for five blissful seconds. When his brain turned back on and the first rush of excitement died down, he realized that probably wouldn’t last.

That had happened before, when they first started posting. People mass reported the videos and the channel until they got taken down, because Peter looked very young at eighteen. They had to send a picture of his ID to the website for check several times, it was months before it stopped happening once and for all. Peter assumed Beck was posting videos of his new boyfriend, who he knew looked very young, so it was probably just a misunderstanding and only a matter of time until he got the channel – and the videos – back up.

Still, he allowed himself to count that as a win and couldn’t help but feeling giddy all day, to the point where everybody noticed his good mood – Ned, MJ, people at BFF and Tony.

Tony, who didn’t disappear. As days and nights and weeks went by, Peter stopped waiting for it to happen.

“Someone is awfully cheery today.” The older man grinned at him from the driver’s side that night, as Peter sang along to Ed Sheeran, because it was his turn to choose the playlist. Tony had picked him up from BFF and they were heading to his place for a quiet night in.

“It’s a good day, Tony.” He shot back after the chorus of Put it All on Me and the older man beamed, the corners of his eyes crinkling up.

“It sure is, kitten.” He turned up the volume and Peter sang even louder, causing Tony to burst out laughing.

At some point, he realized life was a little less complicated than he gave it credit for. He realized that if he actually gave things the precise amount of thought they deserved, not everything felt like the end of the world. The minute he decided to just let things happen the way they were supposed to happen, without overthinking every detail, life got so much easier.

He decided not to make the thing with Tony a big deal. Sure, when he thought about it for more than two minutes, it seemed like a huge fucking deal, he was basically dating Tony Stark, one of the richest men in the world, Iron Man himself, the man who had literately saved half the universe from extinction not even two years earlier. So, yes, that seemed like a big fucking deal, but–

But.

To him, he was just Tony. This charming guy who texted him daily to ask about his day and crack acid jokes about his business associates. This kind guy who sent him chocolates when he was feeling down and cooked him dinner every weekend and made sure to e-mail him easy and healthy recipes so he wouldn’t starve to death. This gentle guy who called him beautiful and touched him with such care that he forgot how many hands had left bruises on his skin before.

When he forgot everything Tony was supposed to be and just focused on everything that he was to him, what they had seemed so simple and pure.

He stopped worrying about labels, too. In the beginning, he kept stressing about what they had, what was expected of him, what he expected of Tony, but eventually, he decided none of that mattered. They made each other feel good, they made each other happy, they made each other better, all in all, whatever label he could put on their relationship wouldn’t make any difference, so he let it go.

Weeks later, Peter heard Beck had managed to get the channel back up, only for it to get taken down again in a few hours, then his Instagram and Twitter also disappeared. He wasn’t too surprised, and if he was honest with himself, it was fun imagining Beck losing his mind as he tried to fix it. After all, every day the channel was down, he was losing money. And his social media, specially his Twitter account, was where he promoted his content to thousands of followers, so losing that meant losing money as well, and if there was one thing Peter knew Beck loved, it was money.

He wondered what the fuck the man had done to piss people off like that, it was clearly a coordinated attack, but he wasn’t curious enough to try and find out what happened. He would rather watch from a distance, rejoicing in the satisfaction it gave him to imagine that maybe, just maybe, one of those days Beck wouldn’t be able to get the channel back up and would have to start from scratch, like Peter did. And maybe then he wouldn’t re-upload his videos – that part was a little harder to believe, but who knew, stranger things had happened.

When June came to an end, Peter was surprised with a notification from Tony on Just4Fans. He had almost forgot the man was still subscribed to his account there, they obviously never chatted on the app anymore, and when he opened the notification, his blood ran cold in his veins.

It was a tip.

A hundred thousand dollars tip.

He couldn’t fucking believe it. A tip? For what, a job well done? It wasn’t like Peter was – what did that even mean? Was Tony trying to say something with that, send some kind of message?

He decided not to call him right away, he was too – upset. The older man was picking him up later that evening for dinner, so he decided to wait. Whatever he had to say to him, he wanted to hear it in person. He wanted him to look in his eyes and tell him he thought he was his fucking wh–

“What is the meaning of this?” He asked as soon he got in his car, avoiding the kiss that came his way. Tony blinked in surprise, trying to understand why he got a phone shoved in his face instead of a kiss, and then he finally saw what that was all about.

“Oh, that–“ But before he could answer anything, Peter interrupted.

“I told you I’m not – Tony, why would you – this is so insulting!” He was honestly at a loss for words. They had been seeing each other for almost two months by then, things were going great, they met every week, they made apple pie together, for God’s sake, had he misunderstood all the signs?

“My God, Peter, that’s not that, I just thought – I mean, I’m a billionaire, you know this is pocket change for me, right?” Peter gasped, shocked, and Tony’s eyes widened when he fumbled with the door handle. “Wait! I didn’t mean – Jesus, okay, hold on a second, please!” Tony reached over him to shut the door before Peter could get out of the car. The young man turned to look at him with tears in his eyes and Tony looked incredulous when he leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t just assume the worst, have I given you any reason for that?” He sounded hurt, which made Peter gulp. He took a few calming breaths and shook his head slowly.

“No,” he whispered, dropping his gaze.

“Ok, good.” He actually sounded relieved at that. “I am a billionaire, Peter, and this is pocket change for me, which means –“ he raised his voice a little, predicting a reaction from him that didn’t come, “I didn’t realize this would be such a big deal. For me, it’s like giving you, I don’t know, flowers. I didn’t mean this as a payment for whatever you think this is, I just thought this would be a good help. You’re starting your life now, you have that list of yours that you don’t let me see, you’re saving up money, you have your plans for college, I just meant to help. I mean, if we weren’t together, I would have tipped you every month, so I thought –“

“But we are together, Tony, I –“ he was a little calmer then, because that was, in fact, a reasonable explanation and he shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. “Look, I appreciate the gesture, but next time you mean to give me flowers, just give me flowers! I believe you have the best intentions at heart, but it’s just weird for me. I don’t want this to be about money. I just – don’t want that, okay?”

He gazed at the older man as he gaped at him, mouth opening and closing, but no sound came out for a while.

“I just thought – I mean, people usually –“ It was unusual to see Tony speechless like that, but the man shook his head and looked back at him, almost embarrassed. “I just want to help you.”

“Are you kidding me?” Peter poked him in the arm, trying to lighten up the mood in the car. “You’re teaching me how to cook. Yesterday I made an omelet and I only burned one side, I’m getting good at this. That’s a big help.”

Tony didn’t laugh at his joke, like he usually did, he just gazed at him with an unreadable expression, before leaning in to kiss him, which Peter gladly reciprocated.

“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable,” he whispered, then, resting his forehead against his.

“And I’m sorry I was rude. It won’t happen again,” he promised, and he meant it.

After that night, he removed Tony from his Just4Fans, which came as a blow to the older man, who pouted and whined for about a week, only stopping when Peter showed up at his place one Saturday wearing Iron Man lingerie under his clothes – it was supposed to be a joke, but it worked surprisingly well for Tony.  

By July, it became impossible to keep sneaking around Ned and MJ, as the dates became more frequent. Peter decided to tell them that he had met someone online and that they were getting to know each other. He told them it was nothing serious yet and if it became serious, they would meet him.

He did have to throw in a few lies to get them off his back – he definitely had to lie about Tony’s age to avoid certain comparisons, but he would cross that bridge when he got to it, if he ever got to it. He wasn’t sure if or when he was going to tell them the whole truth, but for the time being, he  felt more comfortable keeping that relationship to himself.

He and Tony didn’t go out much, but when they did, it was always to fancy and discreet restaurants with private rooms; Tony was, after all, a celebrity for all intents and purposes, and at if the press got a whiff of them there would be no secret left to keep.

But staying in with Tony was far from boring. They cooked together and the older man taught him all of his grandmother’s secret recipes – Peter could never replicate them by himself at home, but it was still fun trying. They spent almost all of their time down in the workshop, though, where Tony  had him do menial tasks, like screwing bolts or reaching for a part inside an Iron Man suit. He said his tiny hands were useful for his projects.

He knew he wasn’t really that useful, but he loved when Tony included him and asked for his help, even though he didn’t really need it. He was fascinated by everything the older man taught him in those moments and in turn Tony always looked proud and pleased when Peter put his lessons to use.

He didn’t mind keeping him company when Tony was focused on projects he couldn’t help with, he stayed there anyway, reading a book or watching TV on the tiny couch – Tony kept saying he was going to get a bigger one, but he didn’t believe it, he knew the older man enjoyed the fact that the only way they could fit comfortably on it was if Peter was lying half on top of him.

So after several weeks, they established a little routine of their own. Since Tony had a busy schedule and Peter was still trying to keep Ned and MJ somewhat in the dark, they didn’t meet that often on week days, but they always talked on the phone before bed. On Thursdays, Tony picked him up after his shift at BFF and he spent the night at his place. They had breakfast together on Fridays and then they met again every Saturday after lunch, and finally Tony dropped him back off home every Sunday evening, so he could have dinner with his friends.

In August, for the first time in his life, Peter had two birthday celebrations. One with his friends, when the three of them went bar-hopping and he got home so hammered he had absolutely no idea how they managed to climb the stairs, and another with Tony, when he decorated the workshop with  balloons and put party hats on Dum-E and U.

“Surprise!” He yelled lamely, throwing confetti at Peter when they stepped into the workshop. The younger man laughed, delighted, as Tony hurried to the kitchenette and came back with something in his hands. “I know it doesn’t look good, but I promise it tastes good. Probably.” When Peter looked down, he noticed it was a large chocolate cake with ‘Happy Birthday, kitten’ written on it in bright pink icing. It looked so ugly, but it was so beautiful at the same time. “What did I do now?” Tony frowned, face falling.

He blinked a few times and when he touched his cheeks, he realized he was crying.

“I’m sorry, I’m just – really happy.” He grinned, pulling the older man’s face to give him a kiss. “Thank you.”

It was late October when Tony told him he had to go on a trip to China for two weeks, and even though it wasn’t his first work trip since they started dating, five months earlier, it would be by far the longest one since then, so it was kind of a big deal. Still, he didn’t expect to feel so affected, but on the days leading up to it he was so upset he couldn’t hide it.

They spent their last Sunday together wrapped up in each other doing absolutely nothing. They slept in, Tony brought Peter breakfast in bed, which was rewarded with a lazy and sloppy blow job, and they spent all day in bed, only getting up for essentials, like food and water. They didn’t even turn on the TV, they didn’t even talk much. They just held each other and exchanged slow, tender kisses until their bodies were too warm to stay under the sheets.

Tony ran a bath for them and got in the tub – it was big enough for eight people, but Peter made a point to sit in his lap, clinging to him like a koala. He felt Tony’s arms encircle him gently, as he rested his chin on top of his head.

“I’ll be home before you even have time to miss me, kitten.” He whispered, and those were the first words either of them had said in at least a few hours.

Peter didn’t tell him that was impossible since he already missed him, instead he just held him even tighter.

After the bath water went cold, they climbed out of the tub and Tony insisted on drying him, before dressing him in one of his own T-shirts, even though Peter had a multitude of spare clothes in his closet. He sat in bed, watching Tony pack a huge suitcase that reminded him just how long he would be gone for. He sulked a little – just a little – and that earned him a little kiss on his forehead, which was enough to undo the frown between his brows.

Finally, in the evening, Tony parked his car in front of Peter’s building, turning to look at him with an almost pained smile, before leaning in for a kiss.

“I’m gonna miss you,” Peter whispered against his mouth and felt when Tony’s lips stretched into a small smile. He pulled away a little, just enough to look into his eyes, and cupped his chin in his hand.

“I’ll miss you too, but I won’t be long, ok? It’s just a few days.” He pecked Peter’s lips one more time for good measure and the younger man nodded.

“Call me if you have time.”

“Of course, kitten, every day.” He leaned in for another kiss, this one longer than the previous, and Peter’s heart fluttered. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, containing the urge to say those three words that had been trapped in the back of his throat for weeks.

“Have a safe trip. Let me know when you land.”

“I will, baby.”

Peter got out of the car and waved, watching as it disappeared down the street. He sighed and his heart ached, he already missed Tony and it had only been a few seconds, how was he going to survive fifteen whole days? It seemed impossible. It was crazy to think how far they had come since March, when they talked for the first time. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

He turned to go inside, but froze in place when he heard a familiar voice.

“So that’s why you’ve been ignoring me, huh? How rude.” He turned slowly to the left, only to be met with Beck’s cocky, arrogant smile, just a few feet away from him. “I tried calling, I tried texting, you’ve blocked me everywhere, I can’t even e-mail you anymore, it appears.” Beck walked slowly and leaned against the rails of the stairs to Peter’s building and the younger man curled his hands in fists, trying to control the urge to just run. “Long time no see, Petey-pie.”

He was paralyzed, muscles rigid, but to his own surprise, it wasn’t fear that he felt, or sadness. It was pure anger.  

“I wonder why,” he answered quietly, but firmly. Beck’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, before the smile was back in place. “How did you find me?” He demanded, because Beck had never cared to ask where Peter was going to stay after he kicked him out, so how in the hell would he know where to find him?

“Wasn’t easy, I have been following you on Instagram, some of your morning run routes seemed familiar, so I–”

“You stalked me?” He frowned, taking a step closer to the other man, who looked at Peter with indignation and hurt. He shook his head, softened those baby blue eyes and placed one hand over his chest, right above where his heart would have been if he had one.

“I just wanted to see you, is all.” He shrugged, dropping his gaze to stare at his own feet, and Peter wanted to roll his eyes. It was so weird watching his whole act now that the spell had been lifted.

“What do you want?” He asked, making the older man’s head snap back up, a little surprised by his cold tone.

“I just told you, I wanted to see you. I missed you.” He took a few steps towards Peter, who in turn walked backwards to keep his distance

“You missed me?” He scoffed, shaking his head. “Where’s your new boy-toy, you put him away so you could come play with me?” He cocked his head to the side and, for a moment, he could see the shock crossing his features.

“Pete… Why are you acting like this, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore...” His voice broke and he looked away, pretending to wipe away a tear. He wondered how the hell he used to fall for that.

“You don’t, Quentin. I’m not a lost little boy anymore, you should go back to your boyfriend. Or is he smarter than me and dumped you already? Is that what this is all about?” He narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest, and Beck’s mouth hung open like he couldn’t believe his words.

“I made a mistake, Pete. After so many years, I took you for granted, I couldn’t see what I saw the first time I met you. I couldn’t see how beautiful you were, how caring and loving you were, how loyal and reliable and – I don’t know, I was blind. I was so stupid, I shouldn’t have left you.” His eyes were wide, earnest, shining with unshed tears. His face was open, even his body language screamed honesty. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so bad about falling for his act – Beck was good. “Don’t  you miss me, baby? Don’t you miss us?”

Peter snorted, shaking his head, he couldn’t believe the nerve of that man.

“You made a mistake, huh? So you dumped your new boy, right? If I were to go home with you right now, he wouldn’t be there, waiting for you, like a fucking plan B, in case this doesn’t go your way. Right?” It was his turn to take a few steps towards the older man. “Like I was your plan B while you waited for him to turn 18?”

“Peter, c’mon–“

“Is he there, Beck? Just answer me that. Come on, if he’s not, I’ll take you back right now, we can go home together.” He insisted, looking into the older man’s eyes, but he didn’t say anything, he just sighed. “Of course he is. If I said yes, what would you do? Tell him to pack his things in the middle of the night and leave? Would you keep all the money he’s made you and tell him to fuck off? Would you leave him broke and lonely and fucking lost in this world? Would you tell him that he wasn’t good enough and dispose of him like he’s fucking garbage?” His voice grew louder and louder, and when he came to himself, he noticed he was in Beck’s face, their chests almost touching, so he took a step back. “So to answer your question, Quentin, no, I don’t fucking miss you. You fucking ruined me!”

“I saved you!” And just like that, the good guy act was gone. His whole demeanor changed, the soft baby blues widened, his mouth was set in a sneer, he puffed out his chest to intimidate him, but Peter stood his ground. “Don’t pretend you don’t remember who you were before me. You were a fucking loser! An orphan, no family, no friends, no future! I took you in, I took care of you, I gave you a profession – don’t fucking roll your eyes, what the fuck are you doing now, huh? Rocket science? ‘Cause it seems to me like you’re still doing porn, and now you’re clearly branching out into prostitution, would you look at that!”

“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about!” He placed his hands on the man’s chest and pushed him away when he got too fucking close for comfort. He held his breath when he realized what he had done, afraid of the man’s reaction, but he just kept his distance.  

“You know what? Fuck you, Peter. I was wrong about you, I thought I knew who you were, I thought I missed you, but you’re just a disgusting fucking whore, after all. You’re a dirty little bitch in heat who likes to get this loose hole of yours fucked by old perverts, I don’t know why I’m surprised, I mean, that’s why I dumped you, you were enjoying those videos a little bit too much for my taste. You weren’t even satisfied with two cocks up your ass, one in your mouth and a line of men waiting to fuck you. You disgust me.” He started walking away, and Peter wanted to say something, he wanted to yell at him and defend himself, he wanted to tell him he didn’t fucking enjoy it, he wanted to tell him that it was all his fault, he threw him to the lions, he let those men fucking–

Fuck!

He rushed inside the building and ran upstairs, eyes clouded with tears. He tripped and fell knees first on the steps, but he didn’t even feel pain, he just got up and kept going, kept running, trying to put as much distance between him and Beck as he could, even though it was irrational. Beck was gone, he walked away, he left him, he left him again, he wasn’t coming back–

“Ned?!” He knocked urgently on his friends’ door. He didn’t have his spare key, it was upstairs in his own apartment, but he couldn’t trust himself to go all the way up there and down again without having a full on panic attack. “MJ?! Are you guys home?!” He was really trying not to sound too desperate, he didn’t want to scare them, but it was hard controlling his emotions when his heart was hammering against his chest and he couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Peter?” It was MJ who yanked the door open. She had a towel wrapped around her torso, her hair was wet, and Peter felt guilty, but she took one look at him and quickly pulled him into a hug. “My God, Peter...” She whispered into his hair when he started sobbing uncontrollably on her naked shoulder. “Come on in, c’mon.” He heard the door closing behind him, but he didn’t let go of her, he felt like if he did, he wouldn’t be able to hold himself together.  

He wanted to tell her not to worry, that she should go finish her shower and change, but he really, really needed her right then. She sat down on the couch, pulling him with her and he promptly laid down, burying his face in her legs. He couldn’t stop crying and sobbing and no matter how many times she asked him what was wrong, sounding increasingly more worried, he couldn’t get his feelings under control enough to give her any answer.

He was there for what felt like hours, when at some point someone lifted him from MJ’s lap and enveloped him in such a tight hug he couldn’t breath for a second, but he sighed in relief, it was right what he needed. Ned’s arms felt like home, it calmed him down almost instantly – his voice whispering that it was fine, everything was going to be okay helped a lot, too.

“I hate him, I hate him so fucking much,” he mumbled into his shoulder, God knew how much time later, and his friend just hummed, patting his back. “I hate that he made a mess of me and I let him.” He couldn’t hold back more tears when he said that, because it was true, it was so fucking true. He let Beck do whatever he wanted to him, he let him ruin his dreams, his future, his fucking personality, until he was nothing but a shell of what he used to be.

“I know, Peter, I know,” Ned soothed him, rubbing his back, even though he probably had no idea what he was talking about. “It’s okay now. You’re okay. It’s over”

“I made tea.” MJ’s quiet voice sounded somewhere from his right and when he turned to look at her, she was already dressed, wet hair up in a bun, with a mug in her hands, which she extended to him. He accepted it but didn’t dare to take a sip, he was positive that if he did, he would throw up, his stomach was all kinds of fucked up at that moment. “Peter, what happened? Did Star – uh, did your boyfriend do something? Did he hurt? ‘Cause I swear to God–” Just the mention of Tony being the cause of his distress made him sick, so he cut her off.

“Beck was here.” He sniffed, looking at the mug to avoid their eyes when he heard both of them gasping.

“Beck? Beck was here? Fucking Beck?” MJ screeched and he nodded.

“He was waiting for me outside.” He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to gather enough energy to have that conversation.  

“What did he want?” Ned asked calmly, while MJ paced the floor, furious.

“I don’t know...” He shrugged, wrecking his brain to try and figure out what his motive was. “His channel got taken down a few weeks ago and he couldn’t get it back up. I heard he had to start over.” He hadn’t been watching that closely, but he knew something was wrong, even his Twitter and Instagram accounts kept getting taken down almost monthly, it was impossible he was making any money over the past few months. “He said he wanted to get back together, probably because he thinks us making up would be a big hit or whatever. I said no, of course. He didn’t like the answer.”

“Did he hurt you?!” MJ strode back to him until she was standing right in front of him, looking into his eyes. He was almost intimidated by her.

“No, he just… Said some pretty shitty things, is all,” he answered sheepishly, because he hated that that man could still make a mess of him with just a few hurtful words.

“Oh, dude. He’s just mad he’s lost control over you. Whatever he said, he just wanted to hurt you, it doesn’t mean anything.” Ned placed an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer, and Peter rested his head against his, sighing.

“I know. He was always like that, you know,” he whispered, as flashes of memories crossed his mind. “When I didn’t bend to his wishes, when I didn’t do things his way, he fucking–“ He squeezed his eyes shut, furious, because he had fallen for that again. “He tries to charm me and when it doesn’t work, he attacks me. But the thing is, he really knows what to say to destroy me. It just sucks. But it’s fine. I just need a moment, I’ll be fine.” He sat up straight and looked both of his friends in the eyes.

“Yes, you will. You most certainly will.” Ned patted his shoulder one last time, getting up from the couch. “Why don’t you lie down for a second, huh? I’m making dinner, I’ll even try one of those recipes your mystery boyfriend taught you.” Just the mention of Tony made him breathe a little easier, even though he wouldn’t be able to see him for a while.

“Okay.” He nodded, smiling softly. MJ took Ned’s place on the couch and he lay down, placing his head on her legs, as she ran her fingers through his hair. He sighed contently and closed his eyes, feeling exhausted. He was close to drifting off when he heard Ned gasp.

“Oh my God,” He breathed quietly from the kitchen and both Peter and MJ looked at him curiously from over the back of the couch.

“What?” She didn’t look too worried, but Peter was concerned about how pale he was.

“Ned, what’s wrong?” He frowned, watching Ned’s horrified expression looking at his phone like it was a murder scene. He raised his eyes and gulped.

“Peter is trending on Twitter,” he whispered, after a while.

“What?!” They both hurried over to the kitchen counter, and the first thing Peter saw when he looked at his phone was a picture of him and Tony in his car, kissing. As Ned scrolled down, more pictures showed up, but not only that, clips of his old videos were all over Twitter, people knew his full name, his real name, and they were making all sorts of comments. Iron Man, Tony Stark, Peter Parker, sex worker, prostitute and porn were trending.

The room was completely silent for a whole minute, before MJ turned on the TV.

“… appear that Tony Stark, former CEO of Stark Industries and retired Avenger, was seen kissing a young man in his car earlier this evening. The person in the pictures seems to be one Peter Parker, a twenty-one year old porn actor, who is also said to work as a prostitute…”

Peter’s heart sank to the bottom of his stomach, his vision blurred and he felt bile rising in his throat. He took a deep breath and got up from the couch, ears ringing, as he rushed to the front door.  He heard his friends yelling something, but he couldn’t make out their words, and he just couldn’t deal with all that right then and there.

“I, uhm, I gotta go,” he called from over his shoulder, slamming the door shut on his way out.

As he ran upstairs, vision blurred by tears and chest hurting, begging for oxygen, he couldn’t help but remember his life fell apart in the winter. And fall would be over soon.

-x-

So... It appears that someone has lost the ability to write short chapters... 

Anyways, only three more chapters to go!  🥳

Tag list (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the list):  @sadachmesarthim @iamnotparticularlyproud @staticwhispersinthedark @bluestarker @ whyisthisathingcb

[iatethepomegranate]

A fic in which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, and learns how to be a person.

Chapter Summary: The sands of time stop for no one, and the Nein eventually go back to their separate lives. Caleb grapples with the responsibilities of his new position, invents the support group, and Astrid gives him some rather unsettling news.

Notes: Caleb and Essek's scene together is a little spicy, but not explicit. Chapter title is from In the Embers by Sleeping At Last.

*** Chapter 5: Like fireworks we pull apart the dark

Caleb was smiling when he got back home. Veth aimed her crossbow at him.

“Quick! Tell me something only Caleb would say!”

Caleb sighed and held up his hands in surrender; he should have expected this. “You almost inscribed a rune upside-down today. I lent you my spellbook.”

“I don’t know, man,” said Beauregard, lounging across Yasha on the couch and completely fucking with them. “An imposter could’ve interrogated Caleb and forced him to recount his day. Caleb is pretty squishy.” Caleb almost reminded her he had been taught to withstand torture, which he’d first told explictly her while compiling his testimony for Trent’s trial, but he didn’t want to ruin her fun.

“Oh, that’s very smart,” Yasha said.

“Thanks, babe.”

“Say something else,” Veth demanded. “Something not from today. How did we meet?”

“In prison. You stole a bottle of cherry wine. I had Frumpkin retrieve a piece of wire so you could pick the lock and then I set the jail on fire and screamed for help. The guards ran away and we walked out. We have been best friends ever since. You were also a goblin at the time.”

“But wouldn’t an imposter have asked about Caleb’s known associates?” Fjord supplied.

“Fjord, I can and will burn your hair off. And, unlike Aeor, it will not grow back overnight.”

“Ha!” Veth put her crossbow away. “Welcome back. Sit down. Cad’s making tea again.” She dragged him over to the blanket nest that no one had bothered to put away, and shoved him in it.

Essek poked his head out of the kitchen. “How was your meeting?”

Caleb didn’t want to get into it. “I took the job.”

“Woo!” Jester yelled from the kitchen. She poked her head out, just next to Essek. “Did Astrid like the cookies?”

“Ja. She says thank you.” Caleb felt fine, except from the fact he was fucking exhausted. He tipped his head back, landing on Beau’s shin, and closed his eyes. “Uh, Beauregard? She says to look into Headmaster Zivan Margolin, who is also the Archmage of Conscription. He’s a link to Trent. A weak one. Apparently he has been running his mouth about how he saw my potential from the beginning. Ludinus is uncomfortable with the implication and may throw him to the wolves to save his own neck.”

“I’ll pass it onto Yudala tomorrow. Take a nap while we wait for dinner.”

“The head of your school is also in charge of conscription?” said Fjord. “Wait. You’ve said this before.”

“A long time ago, ja.”

“Look, I’m only a few months old,” said Kingsley, who had been sprawled behind the couch the whole time, apparently. “And even I know that’s kinda fucked up.”

“No shit.” Caleb was half-sleep already, eyes closed. A small body curled up against him. Veth.

“Caleb, that’s really awful,” said Jester. “I’m so sorry.”

“Jester, I appreciate that, and I love you very much, but I am exhausted and cannot talk about this anymore.”

Caduceus saved him by bringing a tea tray into the room. “Let’s all unwind for a bit. Dinner will be ready soon.”

Caleb drank half his tea and fell asleep on Beauregard, who had to kick him awake for dinner. Well had to was a strong way to put it. Regardless, he shoved some food in his face and then went to bed with Essek.

****

Astrid sent him tidbits of information as more details of his professorship were finalised. He would assist Professor Weber with the beginner and intermediate Transmutation classes. He would also assist Professor Winterheart with the beginner Evocation class, due to his experience. He would also be on call to assist with other classes as necessary.

What really shook Caleb, however, were Bettina’s plans for Advanced Transmutation. She told him herself over coffee in the ex-smut shop.

“Astrid has assured me of your capabilities,” she said, stirring sugar into her mug. “And she’s of the mind that the Advanced students may need your guidance the most. You may end up with a few former Volstrucker students, if we can get them back in class.”

“That is a big if.”

“Ja. Would you talk to Astrid about it? I don’t want to overstep.”

“It has been on my mind. I will talk to her.” If Caleb hadn’t been dead on his feet last time they had spoken, he probably would have brought it up. It would take time to track all of them down, and Caleb had not been in the right headspace to handle that kind of work previously. But things were more stable now, even if he cried at the drop of a hat these days.

“Danke. Now, Advanced Transmutation. The advanced students start on the third week of term, so you will have had some time to find your feet. I want you to take the lead with them.”

“Bitte?” Caleb wasn’t sure he understood what she was telling him.

“I want you to teach the advanced students,” Bettina clarified. “I will be on hand if you need, but I think you can handle it once you have a few classes under your belt.”

“Bettina, I have no experience.” Caleb was about three wrong words from hyperventilating. This was ridiculous. And irresponsible.

“I know that’s not true, Mr Widogast. Sorry, Professor Widogast.” The slip was deliberate. Bettina used his first name most of the time. She was making a point of his new title. “Astrid has spoken to your expositor friend, who said you have been teaching magic to one of your friends for over a year, and that you helped her run a summer camp for adventurers in Nicodranas. Expositor Lionett also insists you are very good with children.”

“My friend’s young son, specifically. He is not a difficult child.” Well, Luc was a handful for his parents, but Caleb didn’t have to worry about controlling him like they did. “And… advanced students are teenagers, not toddlers.”

“I understand this is a lot to ask,” Bettina said evenly. “I am asking because some of these children have been through a lot. My inaction, whatever the truth of it, will not instill confidence. You put Trent in prison. You were an adventurer. You can relate to them. Not only can you be a safe person for them, but you are interesting. Teenagers respond best to people who are genuine, and genuinely interesting. Even the children who have not been pulled into Trent’s web have just been through a war. Some of them may have lost family.”

“Bettina, I appreciate you are trying to explain your reasons, but it is not helping.”

“I will be there in class for as long as you need my help,” Bettina promised. “I will only leave when you are ready. I promise. You can ask for help at any time. I will help you with your lesson plans and give you all the advice I can. You will be fine. I would not suggest this if I thought you couldn’t handle it.”

****

Caleb went back home after his meeting with Bettina. He was still worried, but he was having a decent day overall, so it wasn’t overwhelming him at the moment. He stepped inside Beau and Yasha’s side of the house, the scent of freshly baked bread filling his nostrils. It was almost lunchtime.

Most of the Nein had gone home by now, except Essek and Caduceus. They were in the kitchen with Yasha, inspecting a fresh loaf of bread on the counter. The top of it was sprinkled with rolled oats.

“I think it worked,” Caduceus said. “Ah, Caleb. Rye bread? Does it look right to you?”

It smelled like the Vollkornbrot Caleb remembered from his childhood. “Ja. This looks close to what my mother used to make.”

Yasha and Caduceus high-fived over Essek’s head. Essek’s nose wrinkled a little bit in a moment of endearing, petty irritation. Yasha cut the bread into slices and constructed a sandwich to take to Beau, who was at the Archive. She buttered a slice and shoved it into her mouth before she rushed out the door.

Caleb sat with Essek and Caduceus. The latter finished serving up the bread with a generous spread of butter.

“Did you start this last night?” Caleb asked. It was chewy as intended and tasted like home, maybe a tiny bit saltier, but that was fine.

“Yeah,” replied Caduceus. “You were pretty out of it. We looped Essek in once you were out of the house this morning. This one seems doable for Yasha to make without us. You might have to help her.”

“I can do that.” He used to help his mother with the bread whenever he was home. The memories were not too painful today, just an ache.

“How was your meeting?” Essek asked. He had been hesitant to leave Rexxentrum until Caleb was a bit more settled, but the hourglass was almost drained of sand.

“Good, I think.” Caleb chewed, mulling the whole thing over. “Professor Weber is giving me her advanced transmutation students.”

“You look worried,” said Caduceus.

“I am. It’s a lot of responsibility. She thinks the older students need me the most. As a safe person. I was their age when I… when everything went to shit. She thinks we may have a few survivors of the program in the class, and other students will have lost family in the war.”

Essek’s shoulders slumped. He ate quietly.

“And the Professor doesn't think she can be that person?”

“She insists she didn’t know what Trent was doing, but she expects the survivors will only see the face of someone who didn’t help them.”

“That is very self-aware of her. Do you feel that way?”

“No. But I’m not seventeen years old.”

“True. Well, I think you have the tools to help the kids, if you feel up to it.”

“I… maybe. Bettina said she’ll help me in class until I don’t need her anymore.”

Caduceus nodded slowly, with a smile. “You’ll be great.”

****

Essek and Caduceus had dinner at the house, and intended to spend a few more hours there before teleporting to the Blooming Grove, where Essek would trance before heading off in the morning, only short of one big spell instead of two. Caleb almost wanted to ask him to burn a second spell to trance here instead, but he knew Essek found the Grove calming. And one of the few places he didn’t have to worry about the Dynasty or the Empire. Caleb wouldn’t take that from him.

But they had a bit of time, which Caleb and Essek spent in their room together. Caleb let a few of his dancing lights float around the space, so he could see Essek for the last time in who knew how long.

“You were better today,” Essek said softly, slowly unbuttoning Caleb’s shirt.

Caleb watched him concentrate on the buttons, memorising his tiny frown that also graced his face when focusing on intricate spellwork. “Being here is getting easier. Thank you for the bread.”

Essek chuckled softly. “I did very little.” He pushed Caleb’s shirt off his shoulders. “But I’m glad it made you happy.”

“The best bread is the kind made by someone I love.” He shivered a little in the cold. Essek pressed his lips to Caleb’s shoulder, remaining there as the seconds ticked away. Caleb got to work on Essek’s shirt, finding the strings on the back through sheer muscle memory. He picked the bow apart and slowly unravelled the lacing. He pulled Essek’s shirt over his head and kissed his collarbone.

They had a few more hours. Caleb intended to treasure every second Essek could give him.

Essek pulled Caleb’s ponytail free and ran his fingers through the braids he had made that morning until they twisted apart. He cradled Caleb’s head as they kissed. Vulnerability between them had been hard won, and now it was as easy as breathing. Easier, sometimes.

They separated, and Essek slowly dragged his thumb across Caleb’s lower lip. “I will message you every day I can.”

“You better. Or I will hunt you down.”

Essek smirked, and it did things to Caleb. “And if I misbehave? Will you give me detention, Professor?”

“Essek, I love you, but never say that again.” Caleb shut him up with another kiss. “I do not want one of my last memories of you to be… that.”

“Not so adventurous after all,” Essek teased.

“We are not bringing our professions into the bedroom. That will not go well for either of us.”

“Hmm.” Essek’s eyes were distant for a moment. “You are… not wrong. Whenever I hear the word Shadowhand, I think of my mother.”

“Could be worse,” Caleb said dryly.

Essek wrinkled his nose. “Yes. Well. That has killed the mood.”

“I can fix that. May I?”

Essek sat back on his hands, raising an eyebrow. “Do your worst.”

“Challenge accepted,” Caleb murmured. He shoved Essek onto his back, straddling his hips. Essek was a lot smaller than Caleb, though the force of his personality and his floating cantrip had once hidden that reality. Now, however… Caleb could keep Essek in place with his weight alone. And Essek liked it when he used that objective fact to their benefit.

Essek’s lips parted, and it took him ten seconds of shallow breaths to find his voice. “Challenge completed,” he said breathlessly.

“It’s one of my many skills, Liebchen.” Caleb knew his voice became extra husky when aroused, and he knew how much it broke Essek’s brain.

Essek opened his mouth again, but nothing came out except a soft, breathy laugh. He reached up and pulled Caleb’s hair until Caleb leaned down and kissed him hard. The throaty mmph noise from Essek was satisfying as fuck. It was very easy to get Essek aroused at the right moment. The harder part was finding that moment. He was sensitive to Caleb’s emotions, and it was hard for him to get in the mood if he had even the slightest inkling Caleb was not having a good day. For now, at least, it meant what sex they did have only happened under the best circumstances. It was a far cry from the last relationship Caleb had been in, where most of the sex had been after a bad day, all three of them on the brink of falling apart.

Caleb pulled back a little bit to lightly brush his fingernails across the sensitive skin of Essek’s lower abdomen, just above his remaining clothing. Essek’s breath hitched.

“Caleb. Please.” Essek was flushing red beneath the purple of his skin, turning it a lovely plum tone. Caleb kissed his stomach, and slowly undressed him like a long-anticipated present he was afraid to break. Essek squirmed beneath him, no matter how hard he tried to hold still to make the job easier.

“What do you want, Kätzchen?” Caleb said quietly, stroking the inside of Essek’s bare thigh. Caleb never used terms of endearment like this in casual conversation. He liked to save it for special moments, specifically because he knew it broke Essek’s brain very badly to be called things like kitten or sweetheart in Caleb’s own tongue.

Essek let out a shaky breath; his violet-blue eyes were half-lidded and he was out of his fucking mind. “I want… anything. Everything. You. I can’t think.”

“I know,” Caleb said, sliding off the bed, just out of Essek’s reach. “I like it that way.” He slowly unfastened his pants, watching Essek twitch in a half-aborted attempt to move closer to him. “Stay right there.” He let them drop, kicked them aside, finished undressing. He lingered out of reach until Essek bit his lip, gazing up at him with a silent plea. Only then did Caleb climb back onto the bed, settling between Essek’s shaking legs. “Let me take care of you, ja?”

Caleb caught Essek’s lips in a messy, breathless kiss as their bodies fit together at long last.

Later, they lay together under the covers. Caleb had extinguished his lights. Essek could see him perfectly well. Caleb had almost left the lights on so he could drink in Essek’s features for a little while longer, but he was sluggish and borderline mindless from his most recent orgasm. He would rather spend what little concentration he had on running his fingers across Essek’s features so he had a few more memories to keep him warm until they could meet again.

“I will stay until you fall asleep,” Essek said softly. “Then, I will message you tomorrow after I leave the Grove.”

Caleb hummed quietly, not trusting his voice beyond that. This goodbye was hard every time.

“I’m proud of you, Caleb.” Essek kissed him, and then pressed their foreheads together. “You will be an incredible teacher. You already are.” Caleb swallowed against a lump in his throat. He was not going to cry. He was not going to make this harder for Essek than it needed to be.

Somehow, he managed to find his voice. “I finally had a good example.”

Essek chuckled softly. “That may be the one thing in my life I did right.”

“It’s an important thing you did right, but not the only one.” Caleb found his hand, twining their fingers together. His grip would slacken in sleep, letting Essek extract himself without too much difficulty.

“I try to remember that. Thank you. Get some sleep.”

Caleb didn’t want to close his eyes, knowing Essek wouldn’t be there in the morning. But Essek had to leave sometime, and he was giving Caleb every moment he could spare. So Caleb closed his eyes and relaxed into the pillow.

“I love you, Essek.”

“I love you, Caleb.”

Sometimes they didn’t need to say it. It was always true, whether or not they put it into words. Tonight, however, they both felt just a little more fragile, a little more vulnerable, and the words helped.

And then Caleb slept. The last thing he remembered was Essek’s fingers dancing sweetly in his hair.

****

Waking alone, Caleb tried not to be too dour in the morning, but given Yasha kept trying to find things around the house to keep him busy, he was clearly not doing a good job. He had to meet with Astrid (and probably Wulf) later in the day to discuss work some more, and he needed to bring up the Volstrucker survivors. Maybe Astrid had already been working on contacting them, but it wasn’t clear. It needed to be.

For now, however, he let Yasha drag him out to the garden. He liked having his hands in the soil, coaxing life out of the earth. After dealing so much death in this world, it was nice to put life back into it. He knew Yasha felt the same. It also let him reminisce about some of his less painful memories of home. Planting green beans with his mother.

It was also a little easier to bask in the afterglow of last night out here in the sun.

“Did you have a good time last night?” Yasha asked. Caleb was glad Beauregard was already at work. She wouldn’t tease him, but he knew she would have to restrain herself.

“Ja,” Caleb said quietly.

“He’s soft with you. It’s lovely.” She watched him, and she saw a little too well. “You miss him.”

“A lot, ja.”

“You’re good for each other,” she said. “I’m glad you have him, even if it’s not all the time.”

Caleb knew his smile was incredibly sad, but it was a smile nonetheless. “Me too.”

Essek’s Sending reached him in that moment. “Hello, love. I have arrived at my destination in one piece. A little further away than intended, but unharmed. How’s your morning?” A slight pause. “I love you.” Ah, he’d realised he had three words left.

Full of warmth from the sun and Essek’s word economy, Caleb responded, “Hallo, Essek. Glad you are safe. I am gardening with Yasha.” She waved. “She says hi. We had leftover bread for breakfast. Talk soon. Love you, too.”

“That’s very sweet, Caleb.”

He chuckled, and it sounded a little more fragile than he would’ve liked. “Careful. I will start crying again.”

“Hey, that’s okay. I’ve been crying a lot, too. I think it’s a good thing.”

Maybe. Caleb found it too unsettling to have that view on it. He stood up from the ground, knees damp with morning dew, and dusted the grass off his trousers. Establishing a garden here, and actually putting his own hands in the dirt this time, felt permanent. Unless something went very wrong, they were going to be here for a long time.

Yasha hadn’t had a stable home for years, either. And she also had awful violence and loss baked into her past, and terrifying blank patches in her memory. It was easy to spend quiet time with her, because they understood each other in a way the others sometimes couldn’t.

They enjoyed a quiet cup of tea on the steps linking the back door to the garden. Yasha was partway through repairing the fence back here, and she insisted on working with it alone; magic would end the project too quickly.

The sun reflected in her whitening hair, glowing like the radiance inside her. She deserved all the gentle mornings; she wore them well. Yasha gazed out at the barest beginnings of their garden, and she smiled.

“This suits you,” Caleb said.

“I’m getting used to it,” she replied softly. “After so long, I get to just be a…” She caught herself. “Well. I’m not a wife.”

“For now.”

She chuckled. “For now. It’s nice here. I get to bake bread, and grow a little garden, and welcome the people I love when they come home. And I get to love whoever I want. That’s all I ever wanted.”

“You deserve it. You deserve peace.”

Yasha smiled into her teacup. “Beau tells me that every day. I think I’m starting to believe it. What about you?”

A short question, with a complicated answer. “Sometimes. I do not know if I will ever feel like I deserve this without reservation. It is getting easier. Having a mission helps, I think.”

“We can do this,” Yasha told him. She said it quietly, but with every ounce of determination she had. Yasha had a lot. Caleb was struck by her soft strength, as he often was. Letting oneself be gentle after years of violence and pain was one of the hardest things to do. Caleb knew that all too well.

Caleb held out his fist, and she bumped it. “Ja, we got this.”

And he actually believed it. If only a little bit.

****

Caleb had an easier time walking into Soltryce Academy this time. Starting from a far more energised and calm place than last time carried him through the memories. Entering Astrid’s office was still a little painful, but he was strong enough to handle it.

Astrid and Wulf were seated in armchairs in front of the fireplace, reading. There was a pile on the table between them, and evident gaps on the bookshelves. They had rarely gotten to read books from Trent’s personal collection. The silent fuck you was vindicating, even vicariously.

“The old man had some interesting material,” Astrid said in Zemnian, skipping over the pleasantries. They didn’t need them at this point. She messaged him frequently enough that it felt like they were simply picking up a briefly dropped conversation. They usually spoke Zemnian when they did not have non-speakers to contend with, and Wulf followed suit. They would occasionally borrow a word or phrase from Common if the sentiment worked better.

Wulf snorted. “Pretty dry reading. You’ll like it, Bren.”

Caleb shrugged. “Once a nerd, always a nerd.”

Wulf set the book on the table, stretching; his shirt rode up a little bit and Caleb kept his eyes on his face with a great deal of effort. “If you want more colourful reading, the smut shop you were asking about is on the north side of the market.”

“Kingsley asked me.”

“Uh-huh,” Wulf said flatly.

“Listen, you cannot flirt with all my friends and then take that tone with me.”

“Just did.”

Caleb resisted the somewhat mild urge to scream. Wulf and Astrid were both very good at putting him off-balance, in very different ways. “Whatever makes you happy, Wulf. Astrid, can we talk about Advanced Transmutation? I am going to explode if I don’t talk about this in the next ten seconds.”

Astrid had been watching his exchange with a cocked eyebrow, but she smoothed out her expression and gestured towards a third armchair, closer to the fire.

He sat down, holding one hand out towards the warmth. “Astrid, I say this with all the respect in the world: what the fuck?”

“The advanced classes are in a delicate situation,” Astrid replied. “Professor Weber and I want as many of the Volstrucker program survivors back in school as possible. You are a better person to work with them than Bettina, and with any students who lost loved ones in the war. She told you her reasons, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Then what is the problem?”

“Aside from my lack of qualifications and the fact I never technically graduated from the Academy?”

“Bren, your practical experience outweighs all of that. Bettina will help you with the rest.”

“Astrid suggested you take the advanced students,” Wulf said casually, leafing through another tome as if he wasn’t throwing a bomb into the conversation.

Caleb felt an ache in his gut, and he had to close his eyes and compose himself. “Astrid. Why?”

“The Academy is about to throw those children into the world,” she replied quietly. “Whatever lessons you wish to impart, you have to impart them now. Not only that, but Bettina is not well-suited to teach survivors of the Volstrucker program. She has spent her entire life in the Academy. They will not take her seriously. Some may resent her for not doing something about the abuse happening right under her nose. She told you that.”

“How many survivors do you expect we will have?” asked Caleb.

“I am still trying to track them down,” Astrid replied, with an edge of frustration.

“I was meaning to talk to you about the Volstrucker.” Caleb had been racking his brain whenever he had the time and energy. There was no formal infrastructure to support the survivors of the program. If Caleb hadn’t met Veth, and then later the Nein, things could have gone very badly for him in so many different ways.

“Talk,” Astrid said.

“These people need help,” he said. “Unless we get that mental health support I asked for, we are effectively on our own. Even if the Assembly throws us crumbs, nobody can understand what it was like except others like us. We need to talk to each other. Regularly, if possible.”

Wulf’s eyes stopped scanning the page. “Do you really think Volstrucker will want to talk to each other about this shit?”

“Who else is there?” Caleb said plainly. “They--we deserve the chance to support each other. Regular meetings, if we can. A support group, I suppose. Low pressure. Just a group of people who understand each other going through yet another upheaval in a life filled with them.”

Astrid watched him closely, eyes narrowed in thought. “Interesting. I think I understand where this idea came from.”

“We got each other through a lot back in the day,” said Caleb. “But we weren’t equipped for it. There was no blueprint for what we were to each other, but we did our best. Until it wasn’t enough. And later, I had the Nein. I would not be here without them. I owe them everything. Not everyone has people like that.”

“I’ll find us a place and let you know,” Astrid said.

“Thank you.” Caleb had expected he would be a little emotional about it, so at least he was prepared to ward off tears. “Thank you so much.”

Astrid averted her eyes, gazing into the fire. “As for your job, most of the children in the program have been located. Some of their parents have pulled them out of school. I am… trying to talk them out of that. The last thing we need are traumatised, half-trained adolescents running around unchecked.”

Caleb was hung up on her wording. Most of the children had been found. “There are some unaccounted for?”

“Two. Felix and Nicolaus. They’re both seventeen.” Astrid didn’t need to point out why their age was a problem.

There was no time to panic; Caleb needed details. “What do we know about them?”

“I worked with them a little,” Astrid replied. “They are close, not unlike the three of us at their age. If we find one, we may find the other. They are from Blumenthal. The Crownsguard are keeping an eye out, but I do not trust them to handle this with the care this situation requires.”

“Specialisations?”

“Both Evocation.”

Caleb didn’t need to say aloud how bad this could be. Two missing Evocation wizards, on the edge of graduating the Volstrucker program, who had possibly had their memories modified and orders distributed. It had been a few months since Trent would have last had contact with them. The worst could already have happened. Then again, Caleb had been in Blumenthal not that long ago to visit his parents, and he hadn’t heard anything that would have given him pause.

“I was in Blumenthal a few weeks ago,” Caleb said. “If they followed through on an order, it was likely after that. I’d… like to think I would have noticed otherwise. Most people seem to agree that I am rather intelligent.” The dry humour probably wasn’t appropriate in this moment, but he needed to keep himself calm and sarcasm usually worked a treat. “In more recent times, I would assume word would have gotten back to you. Maybe we are not too late.”

“Optimism is a new look for you, Bren,” said Wulf.

Caleb would never call himself an optimist, but he could see why Wulf was uncomfortable, even if he hid it behind one part sarcasm and one part a veiled flirt. “Wulf, I have seen a lot of things in this past year alone that have… changed me. There was a time, not too long ago, when I did not expect to survive the week. And… look at us now. We are sitting here in Astrid’s office, reading Trent’s old books because he is stuck in a dark hole and cannot do anything to us. I spent the morning gardening with Yasha. My friends bought me a quilt because it reminded me of my mother. Things are better for me than they have been in a very long time. So, I am trying new things, like having hope sometimes.”

“Point taken,” Wulf murmured, averting his eyes. Tense. Uncomfortable.

“I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything about the boys,” Astrid said. “Whatever happens… I think you should be there.

[roaringup]

Elaborations on previous 2 posts:

1) Flattery Bot dream definitely reflects anxieties about receiving praise at work, lol. I do feel like I do a decent job, but when people are very thankful/complimentary about what I’ve done, it’s so stressful! Hard to pinpoint why. I think it’s that most of my job is not in fact that hard for me, but parts *are*, and if people think I’m too good at things I end up racking up too-high expectations for the things that I’m worse at :/

2) Part of what would be cool about this outdoor kink event is that T suggested we try my pet idea there and get photos taken of it by the pro photographer who wanders around—the idea being this concept I have floated but never executed, of dedicating some serious time to decorate a human canvas with designs made from dripped wax, pen, other marks (hard enough bites can leave good clear ones, etc.), and small glued-on mosaic tiles and bits of mirror. The aim would be both to make a visually striking result and to create a pleasing meditative experience of art-making and objectification and pain, and doing that outdoors with people able to wander by and view it (+ have it photographed well) just sounds like an interesting, special thing I wouldn’t typically get the chance to do. Nice to hatch weird plans based on your weird little predilections and have people be into them, and also nice that you don’t have to Be An Artist to arrange weird art-ish stuff with people—if they’re down and it’s logistically doable you can just… do it

[rum-and-shattered-dreams]

A rant of personal experiences and trying to do something positive with them:

Okay so procrastination is a huge thing in ADHD. Same with memory issues. (Not that these are always present and maybe some people experience both without being ADHD).

So. Here’s an experience I’m just now (at almost 40) realizing was a thing:

Imagine a huge essay/report/project requiring a lot of research and several sources was due in a few weeks. The advice was always to break it down, take notes, and make an outline. It made perfect sense. And maybe it does help some or even most people.

But for some, like me, it was still impossibly overwhelming and breaking it down was worse. The project was often boring (especially if I had to ignore a hyperfixation to work on it) and even if it wasn’t, it still felt like A LOT when my brain was full of TV static and my memory was shit.

It takes a ton of repetition for me to even temporarily remember something and even then, it will likely be gone again in a few days. UNLESS I learn by actually doing something or figuring it out for myself. And my brain gaslights itself like “do I remember that right? No that can’t be right. Let me look it up for the 100th time to make sure.” And I’m WAY more likely to remember concepts or physical processes but completely forget the terms for them or names of things or important dates EVEN FOR MY HYPERFIXATIONS, damnit... Like, I can do a bunch of crafty stuff and even remember some common terms and items but not the less common fabrics or stitch types or tool names. (Yet somehow I could remember the exact location of hundreds of thousands of items of inventory at my craft store job... even if I didn’t know what they were called. But I stocked them and had physical contact with them so I could picture where they were.) The number one overwhelming thing for me about trying to be a pro at anything is trying to remember terms so it sounds like I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway...

Without acknowledging that, I ended up wasting time by trying to schedule research/work in small chunks because every time I stopped then tried to start again, I wouldn’t remember what I did or looked at last time. (Can I also add that this is why being interrupted is infuriating for me? It probably seems irrational to other people but it’s so hard to get focused on something and now my train of thought is derailed, passengers are dead and injured, and it’s going to take who knows how long to revive the survivors?) And maybe that wasn’t so bad the first time because I’d only have to reread one page of notes. But then it would happen a few more times and my focus would be blurred and I’d repeated myself multiple times in the notes and they’d become a mess and look horrible which was distracting and I’d feel overwhelmed by having to reread and now rewrite several pages and focus would be even worse because I did remember some bits and blanked out while looking at those then stay blanked out then I’d have to reread again to catch the parts I didn’t remember.

But.

If I waited until the last minute, when the consequence/reward system overrode how overwhelming or boring the project was, I could burn through it because I was in constant contact with the material and it was all currently on my mind and I could skip writing notes and an outline and go straight to a fairly decent flow-state draft then keep going through revisions and editing all without forgetting WTF I’d researched. And it would be done in so so so much less time with a lot less effort and frustration.

And...

AND

And then there’s the schedule thing and why it DOES NOT WORK for me. If I schedule doing something (or even if someone suddenly wants me to do something right now) and my brain is like, “nah sorry, just static right now,” there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make it work and I’m just going to get frustrated and tired and depressed and discouraged. But if I keep a loose list of things that need to get done and indicate which are priorities, I can look at it and say “yeah. This one seems doable right now.” No I’m not going to get up and vacuum that spot of cat litter at this exact moment but it’s a good idea to do it soon so I’ll add vacuum to the list and probably get it done later the same day. If the cat throws up, that is an immediate priority so I will get up and make sure they’re okay and clean it because my brain does actually recognize things like that as super important. If a bill arrives in the mail, I’ll stop and pay it right away because I know I don’t have to think/worry about it again if I do. But what sucks about that is that society wants and often understandably needs people to work on a schedule. And I just... can’t.

But I’m trying to take this knowledge and apply it, trying to accept that this is how I function. I function based on a system of priorities that get done in order of “absolutely must be done right this second, whether for my own reasons or outside reasons, even if I need to drop other things” to “this is what I CAN do right now.” Not something pre-scheduled. If I need to leave something to the last minute then I’m just going to accept that that’s how it’s going to be and that’s okay. Then I can free up energy and space to do other things in the meantime rather than worry and be anxious and beat myself up because I should be doing the thing and end up hating things I like doing because they’re not what I should be doing and now there’s a negative association with them. No. Screw that. If all I can do today is play a video game then fine. Gonna enjoy it. Because I now know for a fact, from years of experience, that I will do the important things. They just need to wait until I’m capable of doing them. And... if I let myself stop worrying about old WIPs... They get done eventually too. It might take a few years but as long as I don’t actually decide not to do them, they will get done.

All that said... I still want to look into meds because it would be nice to have more of an ability to focus more regularly. I just need to clear up some other medical stuff first and I’ve got appointments already set up for that.

One more thing... I f$&#ing hate the attitude teachers have about doodling in class. It was literally the only way I could focus during lectures and remember anything they were talking about. I could look at what I drew and remember what was being said while I drew it. F$&% every teacher who took away my notebooks or yelled at me for it. Without it, I’d zone out completely. And THANK YOU to the art history teacher and biology teachers I had who not only understood but encouraged it and actually helped me direct it toward the subject matter by suggesting drawing thumbnails of the art or cell structure or anatomy.

[quietmyfearswith]

where our demons hide {dark!tony stark x fem!reader}

where our demons hide {dark!tony stark x fem!reader} part 1

status — ongoing series

warnings — non-con turns into dub-con, oral sex (giving & receiving), name-calling, swearing, porn with a bit of plot, dark!tony stark, unprotected penetrative sex (pls dont do this, use protection!)

word count — 3,205

a/n — so i’m not gonna lie this is a little self-indulgent and this was an idea i somehow had after reading a few fics/drabbles with the same premise. this will be a dark series featuring not only tony stark but also the other male avengers. i’m also considering on making a separate dark series featuring the female avengers with the same concept. also!!! infinity war, civil war, and endgame did not happen (totally not bc everything went downhill from there & i hate it but because it just would be more fitting for the story) and that tony & pepper are not in a relationship in here bc in this house we do not condone cheating. & this is my first ever time writing smut so feedback would be very much appreciated :>

masterlist

“Boss lady, you heading out already?” John asked as he knocked on the outside of my office door. Seeing him with his bag strap over his shoulder, it made me turn back my attention briefly to the desk clock I had, my eyes widening in shock as I noticed how it was already a quarter to 9. “Jesus, has it been that long?” I said to him and to myself in disbelief.

John chuckled as he approached my desk and moved some files out of the way and sat down, “Well time sure does fly when you’re working your ass off.” I threw my head back, trying to rub off of the exhaustion off of my eyes, agreeing with him by saying, “As the head of the research department, I don’t think I have time to slack off and mess around.” 

As I looked into his eyes, I felt that he was conflicted — that he did want to help me furthermore, but there was also this part of him that wanted nothing but to spend a night out and enjoy himself and afterwards proceed with crashing into his bed. He inched closer to me, “You need to take a break though. Your report is like, 90% done, and that it is extremely well-detailed and comprehensive. I’m sure the mighty heroes of the world will understand if you go home now, rest and enjoy for the weekend, and come back on Monday to finish it up.”

“Do you think that these mighty heroes of the world always have the option to take a break on the weekends and come back to the job on Monday?” I sassed back as I moved my attention from him back to my computer, searching for more essential information for the team’s next mission. John, not taking a hint that I had already wasted time by talking to him, scooted closer and said, “Well for one, your work does not involve travelling suspects and mercenaries. You’re computer ain’t going anywhere, you know?” as he brushed a strand of hair that has fallen from my ponytail as he explained, “I just don’t want you to overwork yourself. I really care about you, Y/N.”

Creating some distance between me and him, I looked at him pointedly and told him, “I get that you may be worried about how I overwork myself, but I’m okay. If it ever gets too much, I will take a break. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish this research and report so that I can go home and get some rest. Unless you’ll help me in accomplishing this task, then I suggest that you just leave.”

John looked like he was in disbelief, but he quickly masked up what he felt and just walked away from my desk and awkwardly waved as he headed for the door. “What a bitch..” I heard him mumble lowly, not having enough strength to say it directly in my face — for in doing so could get him fired.

Following John’s departure, I was able to work peacefully and productively. Gathering and verifying information, confirm tipped intelligence, compiling these into an extensive and coherent report. As I was re-reading once more the final product of my long hours of labor and hard work, I stretched my arms up, hoping to provide some relief to my aching back. 

“Mr. Stark would like to ask if he can swing by your office, Ms. Y/n,” the voice of the A.I. startled me briefly, but it somehow also brought me back to my senses. Wanting to look decent and not like I was mere minutes away from passing out, I quickly removed the hair tie from my ponytail, fixing up my hair as I replied to Friday, “Yeah, he can come up.” As I was done attempting to look presentable, it wasn’t even a minute until I heard the office door open and the man himself, Tony Stark, did walk in — wearing a tight dri fit shirt and sweatpants. 

“Good evening Mr. Stark, was there anything I can help you out with?” I watched as he walked around the office, as if he was checking out if everything was in place — as if he had been there before and was making sure that things were the way he once envisioned. He settled down on an office chair, opposite from where I was sitting down.

Putting his chin on his hand as he crossed his legs, he stared at me curiously and intensely as he informed me about his sudden visit, “Was walking around the office wing when Friday informed me that you were the only employee left in the building. So I thought I’d drop by and see as to what was the reason as to why you were still working late and not going about with your weekend plans.”

I let out a sigh I did not know I was holding — probably out of relief that I was not in trouble — before sharing with him the reason, “I was just finishing up the final touches on the researched information for your mission next week.” He looked interested in that and rose to his feet and made his way to where I was sitting. “You mind if I take a look?”

I shook my head no and started to get up from my seat, when he placed his left hand on my shoulder, pulling me down to remain seated. “Stay,” he requested as his right hand operated the mouse in order to inspect the document opened on my computer, “I might have some remarks or questions about what you have researched.”

Beginning to feel a bit of uneasiness, I tried to fill him in about some parts I thought he was confused or curious about — judging by how he spent some time longer on certain pages compared to the others. “You did a good job, Y/N. Without a doubt next week’s mission would have already failed without what you have done.”

Avoiding his look and our close proximity, I shrugged off the compliment by responding, “Um, thank you. But it wasn’t just me, you know? Some other researchers also helped, I merely just organized and arranged it, Mr. Stark.” His hand still on my shoulder moved to turn me so I was facing him, he sat down on my desk and begged to differ, “I don’t think you would have been the overall head of the research department if all you did was compile shit, right?”

Fiddling with my fingers, I halfheartedly agreed with what he said. Looking up, I saw him cross his arms and his face lit up, as if he had remembered something he forgot to mention. “Which reminds me, I do need your help in researching something. Think you can handle it?” I was able to conceal my surprise, what was it he needed help with? And most importantly, why would he tell me about it now? There are procedures if an Avenger needs something to be researched relating to their work. But I could not bring myself to question him, so instead I buried those doubts in the back of my head. 

“T-That would depend, I guess? What is it about? And w-when do you need it to be completed?” I couldn’t help but scold myself for coming out as timid and scared. He uncrossed his arms and checked his wrist watch while he answered, “I need it to be completed tonight. Possibly into the morning. It depends.”

My jaw dropped in shock and astonishment. Does he seriously think that a research can be completed in mere hours? But if I had wanted to keep this job, then I had to comply with what he wanted. “I think that it would be a challenge to do so, but yeah. I guess it can be doable. What would the research be about?” I managed to blurt out and started to roll up the sleeves of my white, long-sleeved blouse and preparing to type on the computer.

However, Tony held my hands and placed it in my lap, preventing me from moving towards the computer and looked at me deeply, “It’s gonna be about you, Y/N.” I once again found myself dumbfounded and speechless. Opening my mouth I stammered out, “W-What? Mr. Stark, what do you mean?” 

He chuckled as he brushed the strands of hair that had covered a portion of my face. One of his hands stroking my cheek while the other had a firm hold on both my hands situated at my lap, he calmly said, “It’s gonna be about you, baby. I wanna get to know you better. Let’s start with me finding out what it is you’re hiding underneath all these clothes, hm?” 

As he guided me onto my feet and pushed me against the office table, his lips grazed my ear and he kissed it lightly and whispered, “I like the way you call me Mr. Stark, makes me feel powerful.” His kisses started to descend, his lips leaving a trail in my neck as his hands started to caress my waist. Snapping out of my frozen state, I somehow managed to speak up and attempt to push him away from me, “Mr. Stark, please don’t do this. Please, stop” 

With one hand, he quickly grabbed both of my hands and placed it behind my back. His other hand wrapped around my throat, just where his lips were and hissed out, “Why do you want me to stop, Y/N? Do you not like this, baby?” I shook my head, telling him I did not in fact like where this was going. He scoffed, “I think you do. You like the idea of someone taking you in your office, the place where you spend most of your days in. Can’t imagine you getting laid frequently with how busy you are, baby.”

Tears were slowly streaming down my face, trying to wiggle away from the hero that everyone adored and respected. He pushed his body into mine, causing me to stumble which he used to his advantage by lifting me up and sitting me down on the desk. His legs wrapping around mine, effectively trapping me, he lifted my jaw and looked into me as he smirked and said, “Tell you what, if I search you up down there and find that you aren’t wet, I’ll let you go. Think that’s fair, baby?”

He did not even wait for me to answer as he made quick work of removing my skirt as he knelt down on the floor. After unzipping my skirt and discarding it to the floor, he chuckled upon seeing that I was wearing red, lace panties. “For someone who claims to not want this, you sure as hell came prepared.” His hands were then fondling my thighs as he kissed both my kneecaps and requested, “Open those legs, baby girl.” I shook my head and tried to cover my intimate area with both my hands. This evidently displeased the billionaire as he harshly placed his hands on my knees and threatened me by saying, “Unless you want to walk away jobless, then I suggest that you fucking open your legs.”

Filled with fear and horror, I reluctantly opened my legs and showed him my lower half. He showed his appreciation by chuckling darkly and immediately ripping off my panties. Just as I gasped with what he did with my piece of clothing, he brought one hand to my entrance and scooped some of the juices that my body was involuntarily producing. “Well what do you know, you’re not just wet. You’re soaking wet,” he bragged as he used his other grab my leg and stretched it out sideways, giving him more room to work with. “Time to start our research on you, baby.”

As he slowly inserted two of his thick fingers, I could not hold back the whimper as he ruthlessly moved his finger in and out of me. “Please, Mr. Stark, don’t do this.” I pleaded, hoping that his conscience would slap him and somehow get him to stop. But shortly after saying that, I let out a moan of pleasure as I felt his tongue lick my bundle of nerves.

“Just stop resisting, baby,” With his mouth still attached to my pussy lips, he used his other hand to fondle my thighs — hoping to rub off the tension within me. I threw my head back as he thrusted his fingers hard and sucked hard enough that I forgot my earlier concerns of how I was at first reluctant in giving in to him. I threaded my fingers into his hair, pushing his face closer, urging him to continue with what he was doing. He complied and proceeded to focus his sucking my little nub while he added another finger inside before managing to go at even a faster pace than he previously was.

“Fuck,” I exclaimed, “I’m close.” Right after saying that, Mr. Stark abruptly stopped his actions. I looked at him, and there he was licking off the residual juices off of his fingers.”Can’t have you finishing just on my fingers, baby. Has to happen with me inside you. But before that,” he stood up and pulled down his sweatpants and briefs, “Show me how talented your hands and mouth are first, baby.”

Before I could even process what he said, my body responded to the words that just left his mouth and I was pushing him away in order to make room for me to work and dropped down on my knees. Despite being of average length, I took note of how he had an incredible girth. With one hand fondling his balls, the other swiped the precum that was leaking out and spread it around the tip. He let out a loud groan as I then opened my mouth and captured his length.

“Yes, that’s a good girl, baby,” he complimented me while stroking my hair and later on gathering it all up in order for him to control the pace and speed of how I was sucking him. I glanced up at him just as I started gagging around his cock and fondling the rest that failed to fit in my mouth. “Do I taste good, baby?” he teased me while probably noticing that I was struggling not only to fit his entire length in my mouth, but also to please him.

A gurgled yes was the only reply that I managed to get out and he suddenly pulled out of my mouth and quickly put me back into my feet. He ripped off the blouse that I was wearing and briskly unclasped my bra. I watched him intently as he sat down on the swivel chair where I spent most of my working hours on and called out for me, “As much as I love how you please me with your mouth, it would be a waste to not cum inside you. So come over here and ride me,” he demanded as he patted his thighs.

I slowly began to walk over him and climbed over his legs. His smirk widened upon seeing me slowly get into position to ride him — with one of my hands holding onto his shoulder and the other one holding his cock up, I sank down onto him fully. The action might have taken the superhero back as both his hands flew into grasping on my hips and he threw his head back in pleasure.

Moving in slow, circular motions I found myself moaning and panting loudly, breathing out words of praise that had stroke the ego of the superhero. He brought his hand to my clit and he rubbed me fast enough that got me to stop riding him because of how intense the pleasure was. Mr. Stark’s dissatisfaction with what I did was made evident by him slapping my ass with enough force to push my chest into his and reprimanding me, “Did I fucking tell you to stop? No! So keep riding me, you fucking whore!”

I let out a whimper as he once again slapped my ass cheek and rubbed me even harder and faster. Placing both my hands near his collarbone, I began to ride him even faster and started to feel the release begging to come out. This pleased him as he stopped his assault on my ass and began to twist and pull on my nipples. The simulation proved to be too much for me that my head fell into the side of his neck and I began to trail kisses on there and suddenly let out a loud scream as I had suddenly reached my climax.

“Fucking hell, you’ve become even more tighter,” Mr. Stark sounded like he too was already on the verge of reaching his climax. Both his hands then met my hips once more and he started to bounce myself on his cock, disregarding that I could have been sensitive, hoping to finish inside of me. “I told you that you wanted this. That you needed to be fucked hard. So much for the “I don’t want this bullshit,” huh baby?” He mocked me as he noticed the stray tears that were falling on my cheeks as I felt that the stimulation was too much.

“I bet I can make you cum again. That by the time I release my load deep inside you, you will also be creaming over yourself.” His overconfidence was once again being made evident and determined to make his statement true, he began to wrap his mouth around my nipple and one of his fingers was shoved right into my asshole. It might have been the sudden intrusion on my backside, or the feeling of his warm tongue on my nipple, or the fact that his cock was being rammed in and out of me at a dangerously quick pace, but I found myself squirting all over both of our legs.

“Fuck, baby, that’s a good girl,” he moaned out as I also felt him release his juices inside of me. He stopped his licking, fingering, and maneuvering of my body as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head to lay down on his chest. We both took this time in order to calm down and catch our breaths. His one hand was playing with my hair while the other lightly ran up and down my spine. 

With his cock planted still deeply in me, he made me look into his eyes as his hard and demanding tone vanished and instead was replaced with a soft voice accompanied with a gentle look in his eyes as he said, “You did very well in accompanying and complying with my research, baby.”

His praise made me smile and I once again placed my head by his shoulder and briefly closed my eyes — still not having fully recovered from our sexual activity — when what he said caused me once again to be speechless and shocked, “Get ready because in a few minutes I’ll once again be conducting research. But I was thinking about conducting it in a different venue.”

[missinghan]

「 works of 2020 」

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! chose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want so we can spread the love and link each other’s awesome works!

tagged by: @chaninfused

tagging: @jeonginify @etherealino @lixiefe @wingkkun @neoskidz

I think I wrote a decent amount this year, so here’s my top 5 :D (parents do lie when they say they don’t have favorites)

‣ illicit & priceless | bang chan

well, I was pretty hesitant about this one since there are hundreds of mafia aus in the fandom already and I didn’t want it to be a typical one where the mc got kidnapped and unintentionally joined the mafia. but the feedback and reactions were surprisingly good! looking back, I gotta give myself a pat on the back for all of those actions-packed scenes and how their relationship evolved. eventually humans would want to kill each other, but these two... no matter how much they fought, no matter how bad things got, their bond only grew stronger at a reasonable pace. (i miss writing decent stories like this one smh)

‣ countless skies upon me | lee minho

( extending blurbs: a tender feeling, a wedding catastrophe, love someone back to life, everything to me )

I was also dubious about this one—my very first attempt at writing fantasy. I’m pleasantly surprised with how it turned out. It’s definitely not the most detail-oriented work of world building since I’m a relative newbie with this genre, and the plot was a little above average but I’m quite happy with my descriptions here. also, the mc and minho’s dynamic really warmed my heart (weird to say since I planned it out myself). and I was really happy to expand this universe a little bit more and write a few more supplementary blurbs for the rest of the characters.

‣ back to me | han jisung

I don’t talk about this fic a lot but it was probably my first proper dive into writing angst. truth is, the plot wasn’t that great, it’s doable, it does the job. but something still draws me to go back to it every now and then. I really like how I could pinpoint the mc’s conflicted feelings here. like when one makes a hateful vow in the eye of the storm only to realize it’s too late at the end but the painful part is, their loved one is still willing to hold onto their hand at the end of the line. it definitely can be improved but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

‣ aria of an assassin | lee minho

I’ve always wanted to write something platonic for the longest time. and I’m not mad at how my first attempt turned out at all! the only thing is I wish I could have gone into depth about the mc’s past a little more. but this fic holds a special place in my heart because I self-project a lot (I mean a lot) here. I’ve always struggled to ask for help and often sink into myself (the mc) and at the same time, it absolutely pains me when people do that, it makes me want to help them no matter what it takes, even if they push me away, especially that (minho).

‣ in the eye of heaven | bang chan

the main point to get across from this fic is that: not everyone is happy with a happy ending. and I gotta say I’ve gotten a little better from my last attempt at angst. I like the fact that Chan didn’t choose the route of doing absolutely nothing when the hurtful truth is laid out right before his eyes. I like that he’s flawed, that’s what makes him so human. he knows that he’ll be hurting either way and there’s absolutely nothing that he can do about it.

[cuntess-carmilla]

You said you were a designer, how is it, do you like it? I've heard all kind of stuff but i'm curious tbh

I have a love-hate relationship with it. Most of my hate of it comes from no job is fun or too doable when you’re chronically ill.

[Chronically ill reasons in case those don’t apply to you and you’re not interested in my sob story]

I have a very hard time being consistent because I still don’t have a proper grasp on how to keep my health afloat so I’m not just taken over by chronic fatigue very unpredictably (and often for long-ish because I rarely have any idea what the fuck I’m doing wrong THIS time), but by brain fog as an immediate consequence of fatigue. Whiiiiiiich is a terrible combination with autistic executive dysfunction.

When I’m in that state even if I do manage to force myself to work, I’m just entirely out of any interesting, creative or even just functional ideas, I’m very likely to not understand shit of what I’m supposed to do, of what I’m doing, and it’s. Hell. More so when it comes to web design since I actually use HTML and CSS coding.

[End of chronically ill reasons]

The rest of my hate is something I know for a fact every graphic designer hates. The fucking industry. Even beyond just how whipped and most likely underpaid you are if you’re working for an agency, company, etc, THE CLIENTS! THE FUCKING CLIENTS. That’s a pain in the ass even if you’re a 100% independent and successful designer.

Design labor is so undervalued both as a concept and monetarily. People who’re not in the field treat it like it’s just doodling and shit, or like the work gets done by itself with a click or two since we use Cool Software. And by God do so many clients have THE WORST taste and ideas of shit.

One thing a lot of people don’t think about (understandably, they’re not in the field after all) is that when you see an awful piece of advertisement or design, not always, but MANY TIMES it has more to do with what the client twisted the advertisers/designers’ hand to do while we cringe than with us actually being THAT bad at our jobs. We suggest “Are you sure this is the direction you want to take? Are you REALLY sure you prefer that option over this one obviously superior option, I mean, I put in the one you’re choosing to force you to choose this one wtf is wrong with you?" and they’re just like... “Yup, that’s what I want and if you don’t make it I’m taking my money elsewhere.” Even when you do propose nothing but good options they’ll often be like “Nah, try again” or “That’s cute but I would like my face to be there occupying 3/4 of the space because I want to show it to my friends oh and I’d like this in neon vomit green please”.

Regarding employers if you’re not self-employed, the people above you will usually honest to God work you into depletion mercilessly. You’re expected to fart out piece after piece after piece on a ridiculous schedule EVEN THOUGH IT’S VERY UNLIKELY THAT THEY’RE PAYING YOU DECENTLY AND THEY’LL “ASK” YOU TO DO SHIT THAT’S NOT DESIGN AT ALL BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO DO IT LEST YOU BE UNCOOPERATIVE AND FIRED.

My first internship had me counting uniforms manually one by one, packaging them with paper and tape, moving across boxes about as big and heavy as me for hours and then mailing them around the fucking country. I was NOT told I was supposed to do that until after I got signed in and it wasn’t a matter of Abuse The Intern either, because the girl who was slightly above me was the one who did that until I got there and they had me still doing that BETWEEN THE DESIGN AND MARKETING ASPECTS OF THE JOB once I was officially employed. For fuck’s sake, part of the reasons why I’m in this sort of field is that I do NOT want to do any sort of physical labor because I can’t do it.

As to what I do love about it. Just the work itself when I’m not feeling like I’m dying. I love aesthetics, I love making things, I love making things pretty and refining things, I love communication and strategy. Granted, I would still not do that much if the industry didn’t suck and capitalism wasn’t a thing because I’m still chronically ill, but God it’d be much happier labor by a million times. It can be so much FUN under the right conditions. I love too when I make something for someone else and they really like it and it works, when I see that someone loves what I made for them. I love making things I’m proud of, too. Which doesn’t happen too often because I’m a self-hating hypercritical Perfectionist™ but still, the few times it happens it feels so good.

[punkscowardschampions]

Mattie & Jay

Mattie: I am, as of about 54 seconds ago, freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Mattie: Finally, although that Geography exam was MUCH easier than the 7 hour lock-in vibe we had for our Art project 😨😱

Mattie: The hand cramp might be permanent, I’ll never be able to hold a pen or a pencil again… What a shame 😏

Jay: The news I’ve been waiting for, I can’t hear about another bloody exam, Mats

Jay: not yet old enough to look back fondly, you know 😬

Jay: Can help you think of a more top drawer excuse not to get a summer job in publishing though

Mattie: but old enough it is but a distant memory 😆

Mattie: um yeah right, dad knows my summer plans do not involve a single book this year, not even the trashy beach read

Jay: Yeah, yeah, I’m in the winter of my life and you’re about to have the summer of yours 🤫

Jay: Not even a travel guide? Boooo 👎

Mattie: Winter is a little harsh

Mattie: but it’s the end of August, definitely

Mattie: you’re such a 🤓

Mattie: I already know where I’m going

Jay: Ouch x 2

Jay: but go ahead and tell me your plans then

Mattie: Noah loves it

Mattie: How many countries are you trying to tick off yourselves this summer?

Jay: He loves to spend a week in each, with 3-4 days as a rule of thumb per city but some are doable in 2, I’ll be able to budge him and keep you posted

Mattie: That sums you both up so well

Mattie: You know where to direct my postcards

Mattie: Well, I will *hopefully* be spending some time in Switzerland, if all goes well

Jay: Um… that’s a winter destination, we’re discussing summer here

Mattie: Who asked you to write the rulebook, Miss 🤔🤪

Mattie: Switzerland still very much exists in Summertime, it looks beautiful, actually

Mattie: But I do have a reason for going

Mattie: Reasons

Jay: I’m getting the feeling that those reasons aren’t summer glacier skiing in St Moritz and the melted mountain snow making the Rhine Falls a must visit

Jay: so, which boy has keys to his parents' holiday place and how long have you wanted this scenario to play out?

Mattie: Whilst those are all undoubtedly excellent reasons, definitely worthy of a best-selling beach read, so maybe you should pitch them to dad instead actually…

Mattie: You know our actual mum ended up having those twin girls, when I was like 3 and you were what, 9 or 10? Obviously you know but anyway

Mattie: And we’ve not had contact with them because it might make us super emo and dad and the grandparents didn’t really want us having contact with real mum because it’d be damaging, potentially

Mattie: Well, I’m finally gonna do it, schools over, I’m an adult now too

Mattie: And she isn’t Benny’s mum, they aren’t his sisters, so I don’t feel like I have to wait for him to age up to do this

Mattie: They board in Switzerland, assumedly they’ll be back for the Summer, they have a house here too but I’d like to go see them there, as that’s where they spend most of their time

Mattie: If they want to, grandma has to set it up but she will now I’ve said I want to

Jay: Mattie

Jay: slow down

Jay: When did you decide this?

Mattie: I’ve been thinking about it seriously since I was about 16

Mattie: but then they would’ve been 13 and I don’t think anyone needs any more potential angst and drama at that age, it wouldn’t have been fair

Mattie: You can’t say you’ve never thought about it, surely?

Jay: What did dad say when you told him?

Mattie: He didn’t say I couldn’t, or shouldn’t

Mattie: Obviously he had plenty of words of warning about her

Mattie: and I respect his experience, of course

Jay: but you’re going to do it anyway

Mattie: It’s different

Mattie: I’m not going to be in a relationship with her, or ask her to raise any children

Mattie: I just want to meet her

Jay: Meeting her is inviting her to have a relationship with you, why would you want to open that door? It’s closed for a reason

Mattie: Because I want to know her, who she is

Mattie: even if it’s bad, she’s still half of me, us

Mattie: And if she was that keen to form a relationship with us, she would’ve tried long before now and we’d know about it

Mattie: That’s evidently off the table

Jay: Off the table when she didn’t want it, but when you show up wanting it, that’s her way in, that’s who she is

Mattie: It’s been a long time

Mattie: Like my whole life and I’ll be 19 soon

Mattie: She’s clearly got her own life that she’s happy with, she’s still with the twins dad

Mattie: I’m not saying you have to come if you don’t want to

Jay: People don’t change that much

Jay: she’s happy, they’re bound to be miserable

Mattie: All the more reason to meet them

Mattie: but we don’t know that, Grandma would’ve told me if they were, I think

Mattie: and done something about that, more to the point

Mattie: And Dad changed, people can, I don’t think that blanket statement is fair

Jay: No, she tried to change him and couldn’t, he met Ava and was allowed to be himself

Jay: Grandma has kept us away from them as agreed, if she really thought you should meet, she’d have done something about that

Mattie: She didn’t want us to be jealous, as kids

Mattie: and that makes sense

Mattie: but I’m not now and I’m not trying to steal their life or anything like that

Mattie: I know she did a lot wrong, to dad, to us and in general but that doesn’t change the fact I want to do this

Jay: It doesn’t make sense to me that you’d want to do this

Mattie: I know you feel differently

Mattie: and I get it, for you

Mattie: It’s just weird to me that they’re out there and I’ve basically never met her, never mind the twins

Mattie: Why wouldn’t I do that, if I have the chance to

Jay: Them maybe, but she doesn’t need to be involved if Grandma is helping you

Mattie: I have no idea if she will want to see me

Mattie: but I want to know that I reached out to her too

Jay: Like you said, if she wanted to, she could’ve

Jay: I don’t want you getting hurt

Mattie: I know you don’t

Mattie: and I do appreciate the concern, no sarcasm intended

Jay: Yeah, none detected

Mattie: I’ll be fine, I promise

Mattie: I have no expectations so I can’t be let down

Jay: If you had 0 you wouldn’t be reaching out, you’ve been thinking about this for years, of course there’s some expectation there

Jay: be careful

Mattie: I just want to know what they’re like, whatever that entails

Mattie: Obviously if she/they refuse to see me, that’ll be disappointing

Mattie: but I don’t think Grandma would’ve offered if there was no chance they’d also be into it

Mattie: Assumedly, they’ve discussed this possibility too

Mattie: I’m always careful, it’s my middle name 😋

Jay: Your middle name is unsuspecting or unjaded, something like that

Mattie: A prefix, how classy 💅

Mattie: What’s yours?

Jay: Take the un away and boom, there’s mine

Mattie: Oh, slightly unoriginal when it came to me then

Mattie: could’ve been like Jay ‘this baby is definitely yours’ Pemberton-Howard

Jay: That’s what happens, originality goes out of the window in favour of cutesy matching

Jay: and there’s no need for my middle name to do the work my actual already did

Mattie: Benny is lucky there’s been no 2nd child in his case

Mattie: I’ll just be here languishing in the forgotten middle 🥺

Mattie: At least Jay is a decent name, compared to her usual naming style, a win there

Jay: Yours is fine too, since Tilly never stuck

Mattie: Not on paper though

Mattie: Let’s just pretend your official name is Jacinta or something too 😆

Jay: Let’s not

Mattie: Alright spoilsport

Mattie: Keep your cool name 😎

Mattie: They can call me Mathilde, so Swiss

Jay: She owes me that much at least, for everything you don’t remember

Mattie: You can tell me about it

Mattie: when you feel like it

Jay: I’d be a proper spoilsport doing it now

Mattie: Of course not

Mattie: I told you I’m not going into this with 🤩

Jay: You’re doing this to find out for yourself what she’s like

Mattie: Partially

Mattie: Doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your experience with her too

Jay: It means there’s no point talking about it, you won’t be talked out of anything and I definitely won’t feel any benefit

Mattie: Fair enough

Mattie: So tell me what you guys have been up to

Mattie: Now I can think about anything that isn’t my exams

Jay: You mean well, but I remember her like a kid, I hate her and I am afraid of her like a kid, it’d sound crazy

Jay: maybe unreliable should be my middle name

Mattie: That makes sense, you have nothing else to go on

Mattie: and the potential risk of finding out what she’s like now outweighs any potential reward for you

Mattie: I do understand, it’s just different for me, that’s all

Mattie: It doesn’t mean either of us is wrong

Jay: I’m so glad it’s different for you, seriously

Mattie: I won’t say I’m so sorry for you

Mattie: because that sounds the opposite of how I want it too

Mattie: but you know

Jay: Yeah, don’t ever say that 😏

Mattie: anyway, you’ve turned out alright

Mattie: mostly 😉

Jay: Oh thanks

Jay: I’ve just been working btw, no news to rival yours

Mattie: Ahh, the joys of being old

Jay: Less cheek if you want to get to my age

Mattie: Sorry but sound like less of a grandma 😅

Mattie: You can redeem your cool and youthful points by helping me pick what to wear to the leaving party tonight

Jay: Surprised you want my help, but sure 😎

Mattie: It’s not my usual crowd that’s throwing it

Mattie: but like the entire year is invited, so I can’t not go

Mattie: I’ll need a little help to match the vibe, I think

Jay: Okay so expensive but not attention-seeking

Mattie: Definitely

Mattie: There’ll be enough people looking for attention without me even making that attempt, no thank you

Jay: What do you have rn that’s vintage or looks classic?

Mattie: [selection from your own wardrobe and Ava’s]

Mattie: 😬😬😬 idk how I’m going to decide in time

Jay: You should decide on the last one and keep your hair and make up lowkey, but the one before that if you’re thinking of a statement eye or lip

Mattie: A statement lip is not lasting the celebrations

Mattie: and I mean 🥂 not 💋 before you start

Jay: 💋 proof works for 🥂 too

Mattie: you have a point 🤔

Mattie: Ugh, I need food before I can concentrate

Jay: Before you go…

Jay: whenever you talk to the twins, ask them if they want to meet both of us

Mattie: Of course if they want to meet me they want to meet you too, dummy

Jay: It’s not a no from me, is what I meant though

Mattie: Okay, I will let them know

Mattie: I’m sure they will, why wouldn’t they

Jay: If she’s lied about us and Grandma hasn’t been allowed to say anything, they could think all kinds of things

Mattie: If they’re anything like me they’ll wanna find out for themselves

Mattie: besides, you were a little kid, I was a literal infant, what kind of shady bitches could we have really been, wouldn’t add up

Jay: We don’t know anything about what they’re like yet

Mattie: Come on though

Mattie: Who says no thanks to surprise cool older sisters

Jay: Venus

Mattie: Oosh, fair point

Mattie: I was mostly joking anyway, time will tell, they’ll be who they are and we’ll see if they want to know us too

Jay: Yeah, it’s out of our control

Mattie: and that’s okay

Mattie: breathe 😌

Jay: I’m fine, I’ve done this before

Mattie: True

Mattie: It’s a bit different this time though

Jay: Easier because we’re all older and I’m not getting a 3rd dad as well

Mattie: No luck on a different mum, I’m afraid

Mattie: We look a bit alike and that has to come from somewhere

Mattie: But seriously, don’t you think being younger was easier?

Mattie: like you can’t fully wrap your head around any of it so you just roll with it

Mattie: maybe that’s totally wrong

Mattie: it didn’t happen to me so I don’t know

Jay: I already had Ava and Rio when I needed one

Jay: being a little kid made it overwhelming and scary

Mattie: I’m sorry I couldn’t do much but cry and be annoying in various other ways a toddler is

Jay: How much you cried around her used to be my favourite thing about you, don’t apologise

Mattie: Well, it was my pleasure 😅

Mattie: and 🤞 I’ve gone up a bit in your estimations since for more than just 😭

Jay: Maybe a little bit, I suppose

Mattie: Charming 😏

Mattie: I’m feeling a tantrum coming on now anyway

Mattie: Couldn’t eat before that exam and now I’m hangry 😡😡🤬

Jay: I remember you saying you needed a 🍼

Jay: we can talk later, when you’re too hungover from the leavers party to call me an old dork or whatever else, that’s fine

Mattie: Attack when I’m weak 😲 rude, smart but rude

Mattie: I’ll try not to buttdial you past your bedtime, grandma 🤙✌️🤟

Jay: Noah’ll appreciate it, undoubtedly

Mattie: If that was an attempt to throw him under the bus as the old nerdy one

Mattie: Both can be true

Mattie: match made in heaven

Jay: Bye, Mattie

Mattie: Love you 💗💗

[thesealfriend]

*puts on Serious Game Dev Hat"

This one might get really rambly so it's going under a read more. Main topics are Games, Crunch and University.

(For folk seeing this who are curious but completely divorced from the games world, because even though it's in the news a lot lately it's hardly the universal topic people think it is, Crunch is the term for when creative studios, in this particular case games studios, overwork their employees by "incentivising" them to work longer hours or produce more content for little to no compensation, usually towards the end of a development cycle when deadlines are looming. I put "incentivising" in quotes because a lot of companies say they don't force workers to crunch, it's voluntary and workers are just so passionate! But actually, taking a stand and enforcing boundaries can often come with consequences within the workplace - workers who stand up to crunch might be first for layoffs or receive bad references from employers when trying to move jobs. It's hardly as "voluntary" as they make it seem.)

Anyway, rambling already! Let's begin...

So I studied game design at uni. This is no surprise to those who know me or note my "game dev hat" tag. I don't work in the industry right now for Reasons™ but I plan to one day.

My across my degree, grades were based on about 70% coursework, 30% exams/class tests. Funnily enough, the best way to learn games is to make games. So out of that coursework, I'd say the fair majority was, if not "make a game", then at least "produce a design document"/"prototype a game"/"create a level". There was a decent amount of essay-based coursework, writing about the psychology of games or theory of play etc, as well as reports on projects, but I'd say at least half of my grade came down to some aspect of actually creating games.

And that was a lot. It's understandable for the kind of course it is, but we often found ourselves working on 2-3 games or levels in 12 weeks. Which, when you vaguely run the numbers and compare the expected output to the time, was about doable. We weren't making AAA masterpieces of course, we were working in groups of 2-4 usually to make a vertical slice prototype (all functionality of a game across a small segment of the content) or a level or two to fit a brief. But!

We were expected to put in 40 hours a week for uni, as though it were a full time job. That explicit expectation means I can try and step around trying to calculate hours in the day and subtract for travel, leisure, eating etc. I'm using the numbers we were given. So that's 40hrs total, over 12 weeks, but that's including all the time we spend

Depending on the semester we had about 12-16hrs of teaching time, sometimes plus up to 4 hours unsupervised lab time to work on class exercises, so let's call that 16 hours overall in uni. That leaves 24 hours per week, to work on usually 3 classes at a time. That's 8 hours, per class, per week. Multiply that by 12 and you get 96 hours. 96 hours in which to complete each class, assuming we spend the exact amount of time we're meant to on uni work.

Now that sounds fine, right? That's two whole Global Game Jams* for each class, and that's not including time one would spend at a jam eating, sleeping or resting. People make pretty impressive stuff at jams, so why not be able to do that over the course of 2 jams comfortably?

(*for the uninitiated, GGJ is an annual event where game developers (including designers, programmers, artists and musicians etc) cram into a room for 48hrs straight, get given a surprise theme and make a game out of it. It's entirely for fun and I love them. Also some jam sites give you free pizza.)

Well, the thing is, I've led you all down a bit of a rabbit hole going purely by the numbers. I've not gotten into the nature of some of the work, and the overall system, which makes a difference. See, unis want to teach us good time management, and they want to actually steer us away from crunch. I've been verbally told many times that Crunch Is Bad And We Shouldn't Let It Happen. So they build in systems like interim reports, and enforced team meetings with minutes taken and then rating your team members' performance, appointments with tutors throughout the year for bigger stuff. These are all meant to ensure that you're working on projects at the "right rate" and keeping up with deadlines. And honestly? For some of the less game-specific coursework (psychology projects, essays on theory of design etc) this works fairly well. Universities have been structuring courses the same way for decades, why change it now?

But the thing is, game development is game development whether you're in the "controlled environment" of a university or the Real World™ of the games industry. Quite frankly put, shit happens. And this goes for all university courses, not just games. You get the usual tech issues ("my computer broke and I'm having to do this work at the library/elsewhere on campus", "my internet is down and I can't collaborate with my group" etc etc) as well as the personal life interruptions, both of which are highly tied to class and that's a whole other essay ramble. You also just get that one person who assigns themself task XYZ then never does it, which you could have managed to do yourself if you'd known they weren't going to do anything, but they assured you they would! These are the things we're warned about, told to give extra time to account for, and if it's really bad most unis have some kind of "oh shit something outside my control happened" form you can fill in for extra consideration, as well as individual tutors offering extensions.

But on top of that you also get the games-specific issues.

You get that one animation that, no matter how much skill and effort you put in, you're not happy with. You get that weird code that won't compile, and nobody on StackOverflow can recreate. You get the creative block. My god, the creative block. And then, you get the last minute changes to the brief or structure, or if you're unlucky enough to be working for a real world client, you get *weekly* changes to the brief or structure. You get the fact that the software you've been given doesn't fit what you've been told to do. You get the natural period of downtime because you've worked on your character model, and you're waiting for another group member to finish an animation and there's bugger all you can do in the lull. Most of these are just, things that happen, and we're expected to work around them because they happen in the real world too.

But in the Real World™, whenever "shit happens", that's when a studio, if it's a good one, can work around the issues. They hire the right people, and the right number of people for each role, knowing the kind of work that's expected, rather than just going "ok we have more programmers than artists this year so the teams will reflect that, good luck". They vet the software to ensure it meets the needs of the employees and their tasks. They have producers to keep on top of the brief, and liase with clients to make sure everyone knows what they're going to be doing ahead of time and throughout. And on top of all that, they remove the time pressure. They set goals, that "we'd like to have XYZ done in 6 weeks, and a beta released in the coming months" but they don't expect the workers to perform miracles.

But universities can't, or won't, do that. At the end of it all, the end of the semester is approaching and you've been putting your best work in all term, but there's 2 weeks to go and so much left to do if you want to submit something you're happy to be graded on. You could ask for an extension, but if everyone who was in that situation did so there just wouldn't be deadlines. You could just push ahead at normal pace, and submit what you have and hope for the best, but then you're risking failing the class and having it all be for nothing. And some people will do either of these things + they'll sacrifice a grade and do a resit in order to give themselves more time to finish another concurrent project, or they'll glean a few days' extension for a very specific issue, but for a lot of folk, you do what feels natural when deadlines loom and you're behind. You crunch.

And much like industry, uni society encourages crunch implicitly, even though it explicitly shames it. The tutor tells you, "last year's students managed this project in the same length of time!" but they don't mention how all of them probably crunched too. They blame your time management, not realising that if 75% of the class are having to work around this then the issue probably isn't with individuals' time management. The students talk among themselves about who got the least sleep over the last two weeks of term, and it's a badge of honour (again, not necessarily game dev-specific, but there's definitely an enhanced culture of it there) and who put in 8hr shifts after uni to crush the bugs.

And we're taught about passion. One of my tutors, who is the most Explicitly Anti-Crunch man I know, was also the first one who told me that "If you aren't working on other stuff in your personal time you can't expect to get a job easily". He didn't say it in a positive way, but he knew it was the case and didn't encourage us to fight it. And sure, if game dev is something you enjoy as a hobby that will stand you in good stead. But if every student or young dev is told they have to go "above and beyond" to succeed, then that shifts the bar for what "above and beyond" means. Exactly the same as companies "incentivising" 60 hour weeks, so that everyone works 60 hours to prove they're passionate, and then 80 hours is above and beyond.

And you know the worst part about all this? From a purely productive standpoint, it works. For every class I got a good grade in, I'd crunched. And sure, I'd have probably just about passed most of them if I hadn't, but crunch in my case (and other folk I've spoken to) isn't the difference between an A and a B in games courses, it's the difference between an A and a D. Because sure, I'd submit 80% of the work, but without that final 20% tying it together that 80% of the work might make up 40-50% of the grade requirements. It's a very all-or-nothing discipline, except you can't physically do "all" because if you satisfy all the grade requirements, you get 80-90% because "there's always something more you could add to make it better". Which is also a whole other rant.

Anyway, my point with all of this is that, despite how it seems, studying game design at uni sets prospective employees up for crunch. The magnitude is lower, but the attitude is there. They know that they've done it before, that if they can just pull through a couple of weeks doing double time, they'll get it out the way. And so far, that has worked for them, because deadlines rarely do move. But in industry, they work their two weeks double time only for the worst of the studios to say "actually we see you working hard but also we're not gonna make it, you've got another month". And then they have to pull that time for another month. And maybe again after that. As a student, that kind of extension happened to me once - my 3D coursework was meant to be due before the Christmas break, and with 2 weeks to go, the lecturer announced we had til the start of the exam period (mid-January). But because we had that extra time, he expected the quality to reflect it. We weren't getting extra time so we could do the same amount of work without crunching - we were getting it so we could do more work. Again, the exact same pattern we see in industry right now.

So what's the solution? Honestly, I don't have one. Reviewing workload for students in creative subjects is a sticking plaster, and removing time pressure from coursework would require an overhaul of the system that I can't see coming any time soon. Acknowledgement of the problem is the best we can do for now. If you or someone you know is in or studying for an industry prone to this kind of behaviour, talk about it. Push the idea that the institution is flawed, and that whatever kind of unhealthy habits people pick up while studying don't have to become their life.

Look after each other. Peace out!

[beeblebouse]

oh boy, here it is, my overly complicated wing au!

this is going to be an extremely long post even if i simplify it, my original planning of this takes up 2 pages on my google docs rip

with that said, it’s showtime babey!

almost every demon has wings. those who don’t are extremely weak, and are seen as basically just common ghosts. now, (most) demons aren’t born with wings, as they start to develop based on a demon’s power level. they cannot grow after a demon has turned about 20 in human years, as that’s when they hit their majority and their powers stop developing.

to make it (sorta) easier for everyone, demons can be classified with a ranking from 0-4. rankings 0-1 have a very strict ranking, with wings what will not grow past a certain length and strength. ranks 2-4 are a bit variable with wing sizes and strength due to the great variability between the lower side of the ranking and the higher side of each ranking.

rank 0s are your wingless demons. they’re seen as highly inferior, and would have some of the lowest jobs in the netherworld. there is extremely rare cases of a rank 0 demon gaining some sort of social status, but its only happened a handful of times. their powers are only slightly stronger than your average ghost. some demons develop very small wings just before their majority hits, although they’re usually lumped in with the 0s as the power level is still relatively equal.

rank 1 demons can be categorized with wings no bigger than about a foot or so in length, and powers that are about that of a stronger ghost/poltergeist. their wings aren’t very useful for much more than bragging rights over rank 0s and other non-demonic creatures. they are the ones working more of the lower level “basic” jobs of the netherworld. their wings only grow in 6-8 months before their majority hits.

rank 2 demons are the last of the “average” demons, and is also where a good majority of demons fall. this is also where wings (kinda) start to grow proportionally with the body, although they’re usually only about 2-3 feet in length. they can be a tiny bit shorter or longer if the demon is unusually short or tall, however. their wings still aren’t very useful, however some of the demons at the top of the 2s can glide for very short periods of time. (they can only do this in the netherworld as that’s where they’re strongest.) the rest of the twos can use their wings to really only slow them down a bit if they’re falling from a high place. these higher 2s also start to leak into the social elites, although they’re extremely low on the hierarchy of the elites if they manage to make it. their wings start growing around 2-4 years before their majority. their powers are usually about the level of the weaker demons in human history, the ones who are kinda annoying, but pose no threat. in the netherworld, it’s a normal amount of power for a demon, and it’s equal to the power of a couple of poltergeists.

now, rank 3s are where it starts to get fun. a level 3’s wings proportionally allow for gliding, however not flying, except in the cases of some higher 3s, however the flight is exhausting, is only doable in short bursts, and can only be done in the netherworld. a lower level 3 can only glide for short periods of time, however the higher ranked in level 3 can glide for what seems indefinitely in the netherworld, and for long periods of time with breaks in the physical world. their wings start growing about 8-10 years before their majority, as they need time to develop muscles in the wings to be able to hold them up while gliding. these demons make up the whole lower class of the elites, with the lowest being around the same rank as the few upper 2s that make it, and the upper 3s being the top of the lower politicians and large business owners. the powers of a level 3 demon are the ones you hear about from lesser demons of legend.

4s are where lines get kinda blurred, as the only standout of the 4s is really just the most upper ranking of them. the lower to middle fours can fly for decent amounts of time in the netherworld, with however long they can fly being cut in half in the physical world. they make up your middle to upper elite, and their powers are about those strongest demons of legend in the physical world. their wings start developing anywhere from birth to about 5 years after their birth, with the most powerful basically being born with them. their wings develop early due to the fact that they need to stay basically proportional to the demon, and be strong enough to allow for flight. these demons are the middle ranked politicians, and own some of the largest corporations of the netherworld.

the upper 4s are the highest ranked a demon can be. they make up the top of the political scale, and they, along with some of the other 4s, basically rule the netherworld, as they hold the highest political positions, and own the largest companies. upper 4 demons can fly basically indefinitely in the netherworld, and can fly for extremely long times in the physical world. these are the 4s that are basically born with wings, as their power starts developing extremely early in order for them to be at the level they’re at. the true power of an upper 4 demon isn’t really known, and has no physical world equivalent due to them only using as much power as needed, and never more. if an upper 4 demon unleashed their full power on the physical world, it would likely cause a large amount of chaos and destruction. thankfully, a large majority of demons see the physical world as “inferior”, and breathers as nothing more than pests. the only upper level demon with any interest in the physical world is beetlejuice, and although he’s flashy, he (mostly) keeps his power in check.

in spite of all of this, all demons need a summons in order to use their power in the physical world, with the exception of the upper 4s, although using power to effect the physical world without a summons leaves them extremely exhausted, and unable to use any but the most basic of their powers until they rest to let their power regenerate.

demons can hide their wings as well, although most choose not to. those working with any sort of newlydead or breather usually hide their wing initially, as it much harder to deal with an (even more) panicked ghost/human. (this would explain why juno and beetlejuice aren’t originally known to have wings, as both were working with newlydeads and breathers at the time, giving them good cause to hide them.)

juno is also an upper 4, and although it may not seem like much, being in charge of the newlydead portion of the netherworld is a very big job, as it requires a lot of power to keep the ghosts in check, as their new ghostly powers run rampant in the netherworld, as that’s where the ghosts are strongest.

ok, so i think that’s about it for this au. i happen to really like wing aus, if y’all couldn’t tell lol. hope y’all like it though!

edit: thank you @theluckoftheclaws for bringing this to my attention. beej is a high level 4 just like juno! also, here’s some refs i made for the discord i originally made this in:

[emmbr]

Tips for being friendly in Drive throughs!

I work at S*bucks and love working in the drive-through! I wanted to put information out there for people who do not know what it is like on the other end of the drive-through! 

1. While you are at the speaker box we can hear you whether we are talking with you or not. Please do not make us listen to your music, phone conversation, or anything like that while you wait before or after your order! Sometimes people sit there and blast music and we can’t hear each other or it is just really annoying. Turn off or turn down whatever you may be listening to in the car while you order. 

2. I say “We” because almost all of the employees inside can hear you when you are at the window! I know it is a little unnerving to know that several people can hear you stumble over your order, but it is what makes everything go a little smoother. If you are rude to the person taking your order, know that several other people are mocking you over the headset before you come to the window. Obvious unspoken rule: don’t be rude y’all.  

3. Be patient when you have to repeat your order! The drive-through position requires a TON of multitasking and sometimes your order will not be heard the first time you say it. We are doing our best and we want to get your order correct! Please don’t get frustrated with us, we want to do well and we don’t want to have to remake your drink! 

4. While drive is one of my favorite positions because I love interacting with strangers, this is not always true of my coworkers! It is a lot of multitasking and people skills in a timed and fast-paced environment so just be kind even if it takes a little while. Trust me, we can see the amount of time that you have been waiting. 

5. Please do not get a ton of gift cards at the window. The gift cards are not kept over there and it is hard to show you the whole selection. Of course, getting one through the drive-through is doable, but if you are putting a ton of work on the register at the window you are going to ruin our times. Just come inside. Of course, this does not apply if you use the drive-through for disability access reasons. 

6. There are sensors at the microphone, and while you cannot hear it they repeatedly beep at us if we have not helped someone there yet. Plus, the microphone is automatically on when a car is tripping the sensor so we hear the drone of outside sound. Do not greet us before we greet you unless you have been waiting there for over a minute. Especially when the store is not busy, the person working drive-through is probably talking to a customer at the window. 

7. Yes, there is a camera so that we can see you while you order! It breaks with bad weather so it doesn’t always work, but I know some people lately have been surprised and unnerved by learning about the camera. What do you expect; you are always on camera nowadays. Fun fact: if we wanted to we could show you our face while we take your order from a camera on the monitor, but I have never met someone who actually wants to do that. 

8. Time intensive tasks include: pour-overs, >3 hot food items (depending on which ones and if you get duplicates), >1 frappuccino. Of course, a significant delay when you get these items will depend on how well staffed and how busy we are. I honestly think that S*bucks should ban pour-overs from being ordered through the drive-through. Just come inside (except for access reasons). 

9. Get a Starbucks membership on the app! When you run out we can always reload at the register for >$5, so you don’t have to keep a bunch of money on your card. You get rewards if you pay through the app, and a free drink on your birthday! It allows you to tip (unlike using your card). AND surveys about our performance are only sent out to members, so please influence those! 

10. If you want to be nice, tip well instead of “paying it forward!” I feel a little weird saying “give us money instead of other customers,” but I know for a fact that my coworkers need money more than our average customer coming to Starbucks. Pay it forward is a little annoying to ring up (but totally doable), but so many people do that instead of tipping- which reminds me that our customers are empathizing more with other customers they haven’t met than the worker that they are looking in the face who is more likely to be struggling financially. I know it ruins the “random” and “stranger” charm of pay it forward, but, honestly, if I were ever at the end of one of those pay it forward lines I would just end it and put what I would have paid in the tip jar. 

11. Standard in interacting with customer service: don’t order/ pick up your order while on the phone. I don’t care if you have one earbud in as long as you can hear me. I do care if I have to decipher whether you are talking to me or not. I do care that I am doing a service for you and trying to make a welcoming environment and you won’t treat me like someone you are interacting with. If you don’t want to talk with someone, just mobile order and come inside. 

12. We love to make sure that your drink is made correctly! It is usually no big deal to remake drinks, especially if we are not busy. Make sure you are paying attention to the screen where your order is when you are at the mic, and pay attention to what the barista reads back to you about your order (so the order is correct in the first place and you don’t have to wait!). Check your order before you drive away- it is super easy to give someone the wrong drink. If you are really picky go ahead and taste your drink before you drive away! However, don’t take advantage of us. No matter if it is our money or Sbucks’, no one enjoys being scammed. 

13. Maybe I just don’t understand this because I am not very picky, but I will never understand how much some people care about their lattes not having foam on them. It does not give you much more milk? And just makes the latte-making process longer (and harder for beginners)? You do you and ask for “no foam”, but don’t complain if it is made with a little bit of foam. Some foam even forms after scooping foam off after pouring. It really isn’t that much less milk.  

14. I should have put this at the top of the list: do not make a big stink about us running out of something. Sometimes our nitro tap breaks. We only have a certain number of sandwiches thawed each day. Sometimes someone makes a mistake with an order or sometimes there are district-wide shortages. I don’t want to listen to you be loudly disappointed at me when we don’t have the exact thing that you want. This is beyond our control, and you are probably an adult so be an adult about it. We will try to get you a comparable product and there is not much more we can do about that. 

15. This is just a personal small peeve: don’t start an order with “I need...” There is nothing in our store that you need. This is about having perspective and recognizing our role in your lives. 

Even though this post was pretty much complaining about customers, I do want to make sure that the reader knows that I genuinely do enjoy connecting with customers. I do assume the best, and unless you are actively rude it is not a big deal if you have done these things before! I get energy from every single positive interaction I have in the store. I love getting to know customers so well that I know their face, name, and order (which takes a decent amount of time and care for me to remember!). I genuinely am interested when I ask where you work if I have a moment with you, or when I ask how your day is, or when we talk about the sunrise or the weather. These interactions keep me satisfied with my job! I am moving soon and I am genuinely sad to not see many of my regulars again and genuinely excited to meet many more customers. 

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Feb. 14, 2020 – SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, FANTASY ISLAND, THE PHOTOGRAPH, DOWNHILL, OLYMPIC DREAMS

It’s Valentine’s Day on Friday and President’s Day on Monday, which means that this weekend is going to be absolutely nuts in terms of getting four new wide releases.  Last week’s Birds of Prey did not do even remotely close to where I predicted/projected – almost half!! -- and here I thought all those raves reviews might help, but apparently not. It will still make money with its global release but it’s gonna fall short even of last year’s Shazam! and many have already started questioning whether an R-rating is the way to go with a movie semi-targeted towards younger women. (Warner Bros. has already sent out a mandate to theaters to change the title of the movie to Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey. I cannot believe that it took this long for them to figure out what a terrible title they had previously!)

With the four-day weekend, it’s very likely that Paramount Pictures’ SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, will prevail, as it brings the beloved SEGA video game character to the big screen with James Marsdenand Jim Carrey, the latter starring in one of his first big-screen appearances in a while. It should be an easy victor this weekend in a market that could desperately use another strong family film.

For those unfamiliar with SEGA’s flagship video game “mascot,” Sonic has appeared in all sorts of other media including animated series and comic books, so one can say that the character is almost but not quite as well known and popular as Nintendo’s Pokemon, which has had a much wider reach in terms of both games and cartoons.

Of course, it’s impossible not to look at Sonic the Hedgehog and completely ignore the relative success of last year’s Pokemon: Detective Pikachu, which had the added benefits of a popular A-list star in Ryan Reynoldsand a summer release. That opened with $54.4 million and made $144 million domestic and $429.7 million worldwide.

On the other hand, Sonic does have Jim Carrey, who hasn’t been in an American wide release since the 2014 sequel Dumb and Dumber To, which only made about $156 million worldwide. At one point, Carrey was one of the biggest box office stars with multiple $240 million plus domestic blockbusters. Maybe the kids won’t be as invested in Carrey’s Mr. Robotnik, but many parents who grew up with Carrey’s comedies will be happy to see him in such a perfect role.

The Presidents Day weekend allows one extra day for parents with kids needing something to do with them sans school. Even so, the biggest movies on the weekend have been superhero movies, including Black Panther, Deadpool and Fifty Shades of Grey, the latter two definitely not for kids. (Daredeviland Ghost Rider also fared well on the weekend.) In fifth place for the weekend is Warner Bros’ The LEGO Movie, which made $62.5 million over the four-day weekend, but that was in its SECOND WEEKEND! So yeah, lots of money to be had for a family movie even though the biggest opener was Christopher Columbus’ Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (now on Broadway!), which opened with $38.7 million ten years ago.

I have to imagine that Sonic is more popular, and even with the tragic misstep of that first trailer last year which got such a negative reaction to Sonic’s appearance, Paramount delayed the movie and went back to the CG drawing board, there will be enough fans interested to see how he translates to the screen that $40 million over the weekend should be doable even with three other wide releases. I also don’t think reviews will be so bad, so it should be good for $100 million plus.

Mini-Review: For whatever reason, Sonic the Hedgehog is the kind of movie that lazy critics love to dump on, maybe because it’s a kids’ movie or because it’s a movie based on a video game they played as kids, or more likely, a character their kids know from popular cartoons and comic books. It doesn’t help that judgments were mostly cast when the first trailer hit last year and Sonic looked different than what people expected. Regardless, I went into the movie with very low expectations, maybe because I really had no passionate connection to the character despite being generally familiar with some of the games.

We meet Sonic as he’s being chased by robots, and we flash back to him as a kid on a planet where he’s able to zoom around freely, until he’s discovered by predators that are hunting him (it’s never explained why), so his mentor owl gives Sonic gold rings that can take him off-planet. Sonic ends up in a small town called Green Hills where he watches the townsfolk in hiding for years, including a local police officer (James Marsden) and his wife Maddie (Tika Sumpter). The former eventually discovers Sonic after he causes a major power outage that gets the attention of the government and its genius robotics scientist, Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey).

Despite not having much previous connection to Sonic, it’s hard for me not to appreciate this character, because I’ve been known to zip around myself. I also enjoyed Sonic’s haste since who knows when we might see that movie based on one of my favorite comic characters, The Flash. Sonic does a good job capturing the intensity and yes, speed, of having speed powers in quite a masterful way compared to previous attempts, giving me hope that a Flash movie is possible. (Granted, they do rip-off the fun thing Quicksilver does in the recent X-movies by slowing everything around Sonic down to a halt, but it’s still amusing.)

Probably the most genius idea by Sonic’s filmmakers was to convince Jim Carrey to return to the big screen as Dr. Robotnik. He quickly reminds us how hilarious he can be when going as fully into a character as he does this one, and it’s prime Carey vs. the semi-lazy Carrey that made movies in the early ‘00s. Robotnik is a super-genius with no patience for anyone on a lower level of intellect (aka everyone), and Carrey takes that idea to the utmost extreme. (It’s hard not to compare what he’s doing in this movie to what Ewan McGregor does in Birds of Prey and see how Carey does it effortlessly whereas McGregor was clearly trying too hard.)

That’s not to take away from Marsden and Sumpter, Sonic’s other prominent human co-stars, who bring such a warmth and humanity to those characters that you rarely even think that you’re watching them interact with a fully CG-character. (Kudos to Ben Schwartz and what he brings to Sonic as his voice.)

Sure, the plot can be a bit predictable with certain parts clearly geared to kids, but there’s also slew of pop references that display some real talent in the writing of the movie so that it can be watched and enjoyed by people of all ages.

Is it possible that Sonic the Hedgehog is the first thoroughly entertaining movie of the year? Yes, indeedy. (Definitely stay through the first bunch of credits if you are a Sonic fan!)

Rating: 8/10

One of the more interesting releases of the weekend is BLUMHOUSE’S FANTASY ISLAND (Sony Pictures Releasing), which as you can guess is a PG-13 horror version of the popular ‘80s show, starring Michael Peña as Mr. Rouke, the head of a program in which people can pay lots of money to achieve their greatest wishes… with a catch! Since this is Blumhouse, you probably know that the catch involves some sort of horror/thriller premise, and if you’ve seen the trailer, you might get some idea how it works… or not. (I wish I can say more but I’m under embargo!)

The rest of the cast is decent including Maggie Q (from Mission: Impossible 3), Lucy Hale, Portia Doubleday, Michael Rooker, Ryan Hansen, Jimmy O . Yang and more, plus it’s directed by Jeff Wadlow, who last did Blumhouse’s Truth Or Dare (a very bad movie!) and then Kick Ass 2 before that. (He was supposed to direct Sony’s upcoming Bloodshot movie but he left that to do other things, like this.)

Unfortunately, Sony Pictures Releasing (another specialized imprint from the parent company?) seems to have taken a cue from Screen Gems by deciding not to screen the movie for critics until Thursday afternoon (just like with The Grudge!), plus there won’t be ANY Thursday previews for this. It’s a shame since… well, I can’t really tell you if I liked the movie or not since I’m under embargo until Friday. J

Either way, it seems like a strong enough counter to Sonic and Birds of Prey that it should be good for $15 million plus over the four days. Personally, I think it would have opened even bigger if Sony and Blumhouse had shown some balls and screened it for critics in advance, but what do I know? I’ve only written about this stuff for ALMOST TWENTY FUCKING YEARS! (Not sure I’m gonna review the movie but we’ll see.)

I know far less about Universal’s Valentine’s Day offering THE PHOTOGRAPH (Universal), which I guess is a romantic drama that’s targeting African-Americans looking for something to see on the biggest date nights of the year. In fact, we’ve seen some interesting hits on this weekend just by putting “Date” in the movie title, as was the case with Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore’s 50 First Dates ($45.1 million four-day opening) and even Date Movie ($21.8 million), which satirized romantic movies. But the real winner has to be a movie that went all out for Valentine’s Day by actually going with the title Valentine’s Day, which helped it open with $63 million over the four-day weekend ten years ago. ($23.4 million of that was on Valentine’s Day alone!)

Since I won’t see The Photograph until Weds. night, I can only talk about the little bit of marketing I’ve seen and what’s out there. Apparently, this is more in the vein of Valentine’s Day in that it’s a series of intertwined romantic stories, but it has an impressive cast of African-American actors who are on the verge of breaking out such as the great LaKeith Stanfield and amazing Kelvin Harrison Jr., as well as Rob Morgan (from “Daredevil” and Mudbound) and Courtney B. Vance. I’d be neglect if I didn’t mention any of the women involved and having Issa Raefrom the TV show “Insecure” as the primary female lead is something that shouldn’t be ignored. Stanfield isn’t the only connection to Jordan Peele, though, asLil Rel Howery from Get Outis also in this movie as is Peele’s actual wife, Chelsea Peretti!

I actually had to double check to make sure Peele wasn’t one of the film’s producers, but no, this is from Will Packer, a producer who is responsible for so many huge hits among African-Americans that one of these days I won’t underestimate his drawing power, even though all three of his 2019 movies underdelivered, including the comedy Little (co-starring Rae), although did well compared to their lower budgets.

In that sense, The Photograph could be compared to Packer’s Screen Gems comedy About Last Night, which opened with $27.8 million in just over 2,200 theaters in 2014, but that also had the power of proven box office draw Kevin Hartto bring in audiences. I certainly don’t want to be accused of underestimating Packer again, but with such a generic title and premise (and next to no marketing?), I’m just not sure the movie will deliver despite being decent counter-programming for AA audiences. With that in mind, I think the movie will probably make somewhere between $12 and 14 million.

Then there’s DOWNHILL (Searchlight Studios), the new movie from The Way, Way Back directors Nat Faxon and Jim Rash (who also won the Oscar for cowriting Alexander Payne’s The Descendants), this one being a direct remake of Swedish filmmaker Ruben Östlund’s 2014 film Force Majeure.

In this version, Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus play a squabbling couple who travel to the alps with their kids, but after barely escaping an avalanche – one in which he runs away leaving his family behind – they start questioning their lives. The film also stars Zach Woods (also from “Veep”), Miranda Otto and Zoe Chao, and though it premiered at the Sundance Film Festival (just like the duo’s previous movie), it did not receive great reviews, as it currently sits at 48% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I don’t think that will matter since like Carey above, Ferrell hasn’t been oversaturating the market with movies in the past couple year, maybe because his last movie, Holmes & Watson, reteaming him with John C. Reilly from Step Brothers bombed with $41 million worldwide after horrifying reviews. Fortunately, Louis-Dreyfus is far more loved thanks to her run on “Seinfeld” and her Emmy-winning run on HBO’s “Veep,” and that should help get people into theaters despite all the competition aboe and below.

Searchlight (no more Fox!!) will be releasing the movie into roughly 1,500 theaters, a moderate release to see how it fares, and the extended holiday weekend (plus the chance of it attracting older moviegoers on Valentine’s Day) should help it make $5 million plus over the extended weekend.

Mini-Review: If you’re reading this review hoping for a play-by-play of how Downhill differs from Ruben Ostlund’s Force Majeure, then you’re bound to be disappointed, because a.) I don’t really remember it, b.) I wasn’t as big a fan of the movie as so many others, and c.) I’m going to assume that a lot of people never got around to seeing it.

In this version, it’s Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus as Peter and Billie Stanton, and there’s much more focus on their roles as parents and the responsibility that goes with that. Once again, Peter runs off when a controlled avalanche comes their way, but they don’t really talk about it so much even as it hangs over their heads.

Nat Faxon and Jim Rash once again find a manageable way of making “dramedy” out of a situation, making sure not to go for constant visual laughs or the zaniness Ferrell usually goes for. (Granted, we can totally believe him as a careless father/husband who does dumb things.) In fact, Ferrell plays his role fairly toned down, which allows Louis-Dreyfus to shine in what’s, oddly, a quite rare movie appearance. How they deal with the aftermath of the avalanche comes to a head when Pete’s work-buddy Zack (Zach Woods) arrives with a ladyfriend (Zoe Chao) allows the two to go at each other. It doesn’t get quite as intense as Marriage Story, but it’s obvious that they both have reached the point in their marriage where they need a separation.

It is kind of amusing that Miranda Otto almost steals her scenes with the two leads because she’s so funny as a hot-to-trot European guest they keep running into and who sets Billie up with a hot Italian ski trainer. There’s a few other funny characters but it mostly stays on Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus either alone or together, and that’ll be enough for most people.

Faxon and Rash find interesting ways to play with the basic premise, although Downhill is very much comedy with a lower-case “c,” and like the original movie, it should lead to some interesting conversations.

Rating: 7/10

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this… (bearing in mind that the below are all four-day projections). It’ll be interesting to see if the name change for “Birds of Prey” will make a difference, but look for NEON’s Parasite to make its first foray into the top 10 this weekend after 19 (!!!) weeks in theaters, thanks to its Best Picture win last Sunday.

1. Sonic the Hedgehog (Paramount) - $44 million N/A (up $1.5 million)* 2. Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey  (Warner Bros) - $20 million -39% (down $1.5 million)* 3. Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island (Sony) - $15.8 million N/A (up $.3 million)* 4. The Photograph (Universal) - $13.5 million N/A 5. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $8 million -35% (up .2 million)* 6. 1917 (Universal) - $7 million -23% 7. Downhill (Searchlight) - $5.6 million N/A (up .2 million)* 8. Parasite (NEON) - $5 million +300% (up .4 million and one place) 9. Dolittle  (Universal) - $4.5 million -30% (down .4 million and one place) 10. Jumanji: The Next Level  (Sony) - $4.2 million -24%

*UPDATE: A few minor updates based on actual theater counts with Parasite being expanded into 2,000 theaters, the widest its been so far. I feel like most of the new movies will do well, including Downhill (which will be in 2,301 theaters vs. the 1,500 estimated earlier in the week). Anyway, it should be a fairly hearty and robust weekend at the box office.

LIMITED RELEASES

Before we get to the regular limited releases opening Friday, I want to mention two special releases for Weds. night, Trafalgar Releasing is giving a one-night screening of The Doors: Break on Thru - A Celebration of Ray Manzarek, which I haven’t seen but I’m definitely interested in as a fan of the ‘60s group (and Manzarek’s keyboard work). You can get tickets for that here. Also, Kino Lorber is giving one-night release of Emily Taguchi & Jake Lefferman’s doc After Parkland to commemorate the second anniversary of the shootings at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida that killed 17 people and began a nationwide student movement for gun control. It’s a fairly sobering and emotional doc, as you can imagine, especially since so little has been done to prevent incidents like this even two years later.

My favorite movie of the weekend is Jeremy Teicher’s OLYMPIC DREAMS ( IFC Films), opening at the IFC Center Friday. It stars Nick Kroll (who you’ll know from “The League,” “Oh, Hello” and other things) and (actual Olympian distance runner) Alexi Pappas, who you may or may not be as familiar with. Pappas plays Penelope, an American competitor in the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, who is feeling lonely and unable to connect with others until she meets Kroll’s volunteer dentist, Ezra. While at first, it wouldn’t seem like they would have anything in common, they spend a night hanging out and while some might be expecting something romantic, since this is opening on Valentine’s Day, well I won’t ruin what does or doesn’t happen, k?  Either way, it’s a wonderful film co-written by Teichter, Pappas and Kroll, and if that sounds like a familiar formula, then it is indeed the one Richard Linklater used for his sequels to Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. Olympic Dreams isn’t nearly as deep and philosophical (or wordy), but the two actors are so wonderful together, and they actually filmed this in the Athletes Village at the Olympics (the first film to do so) which adds some authenticity to the sweet little movie. (There will be a sneak preview Weds night at the IFC Center with Teicher, Kroll and Pappas all in attendance!)

Danish filmmaker Lone Scherfig returns with THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS (Vertical), a star-studded ensemble piece starring Zoe Kazan, Andrea Riseborough, Caleb Landry Jones, Jay Baruchel and Bill Nighy (who appeared in Lone’s previous film Their Finest). This is a New York City story about six strangers whose lives intersect and mingle while trying to find help, hope and love. I know it sounds like the Crash-style movie we’ve seen far too many times before, but I have faith in Ms. Scherfig and hopefully I’ll have a chance to watch it in the next day or two.

I also still haven’t gotten around to watching Kenji Tanagaki’s action-comedy ENTER THE FAT DRAGON (Go WELL USA), starring the always-amazing Donnie Yen as police officer Zhu, who is sent to Japan on a routine police escort of a suspect… who mysteriously dies, forcing Zhu to call upon a former undercover inspector to help solve the murder. I’m assuming the latter is the “Fat Dragon” and Yen didn’t gain 200 lbs. for the part.

Opening at the Quad Cinemaon Friday and in L.A. on Feb. 21 is Dimitri de Clercq’sFrench/Belgian film You Go to My Head (First Run Features) about an architect who finds a young woman lost, alone and in a fog in the Sahara after a mysterious accident, but when he takes her to the hospital, he claims to be her husband. As she gets better, he creates an elaborate life to fill in the life they shared which she can no longer remember. It also sounds perfect for Valentine’s Day, so you have plenty of options!

I didn’t have too much to say about Céline Sciamma’s PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE (NEON), because I think I wrote about it last year, and I haven’t seen the movie since the New York Film Festival. Set in the 18thCentury, it’s about a woman painter who travels to a remote island where she’s commissioned to do a painting of a grieving widow, who she ends up falling in love with. I probably should see the movie again as it didn’t really connect with me the first time, but I can totally understand why others love it so much. (Unfortunately, the 7:10 screening on Friday night at the Angelika with a QnA moderated by my pal, Valerie Complex, is already sold out!)

The second documentary in the last year about a man named “Cunningham” (a different one this time) is Mark Bozek’s The Times of Bill Cunningham (Greenwich) about the famed photographer who died in 2016… and whom I know even less about than I did dancer/choreographer Merce Cunningham. Apparently, he was a New York Timesphotographer for four decades and had a long relationship with First Lady Jackie Kennedy, and this doc is even narrated by Sarah Jessica Parker! It also opens at the Angelika and City Cinemas 1, 2 & 3, and maybe L.A.?

Due to the usual conflicts and circumstances, I wasn’t able to see Lisa Barros D'Sa and Glenn Leyburn’s Ordinary Love (Bleecker Street) as planned, but it’s an appropriately-timed romantic drama starring Liam Neeson and Lesley Manville as a middle-aged couple who must deal with her beast cancer diagnosis. I actually am interested in seeing this, especially to see Neeson back in serious drama mode (it’s been a while), so hopefully I’ll have a chance to see this down the road.

Also opening Friday is Tanya Wexler’s Buffaloed (Magnolia), starring Zoey Deutch as Peg Dahl, a young woman living in Buffalo, the debt collection capital of America but hopes to get out of town and into an Ivy League university. When she’s accepted to her top choice but can’t afford the tuition, she gets pulled into the rope of debt collection.  Also starring Judy Greer, Germaine Fowler, Noah Reid and Jai Courtney, it will open at New York’s Quad Cinema, the Loz Feliz 3 in L.A., Buffalo’s North Park Theater and more theaters.

Opening at the Quad Cinemaon Friday and in L.A. on Feb. 21 is Dimitri de Clercq’sFrench/Belgian film You Go to My Head (First Run Features) about an architect who finds a young woman lost, alone and in a fog in the Sahara after a mysterious accident, but when he takes her to the hospital, he claims to be her husband. As she gets better, he creates an elaborate life to fill in the life they shared which she can no longer remember. It also sounds perfect for Valentine’s Day, so you have plenty of options!

Another SXSW 2019 movie is Richard Wong’s Come As You Are (Samuel Goldwyn), starring Gabourey Sidibe, Grant Rosenmeyer, Ravi Patel, Hayden Szeto and Janeane Garofolo. The three guys in the middle play men with disabilities who go on a road trip to a Montreal brothel to get away from their suffocating parents. Sidibe (from Precious) plays their travelling nurse who drives them across the border to help them lose their virginity. This is an English remake of the Belgian Film Hasta La Vista about the real-life adventure of Asta Philpot.

Sara Zandieh’s indie rom-com A Simple Wedding (Blue Fox Entertainment) also opens in theaters and On Demand on Valentine’s Day, this one following an Iranian-American named Nousha (Tara Grammy) whose hopes for a Persian wedding are dashed when she falls for a bisexual artist/DJ named Alex (Christopher O’Shea). She has to make sure her parents don’t realize they’re living together before marriage. The film also stars Shohreh Aghdashloo, Rita Wilson, Maz Jobrani, Peter McKenzie and James Eckhouse.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

Some cool festivals and series in New York are happening this weekend to offer competition for all the choices above.

Let’s begin with the “Winter Showcase” for one of my favorite annual film festivals, the New York Asian Film Festivalsubtitled “Love at First Bite,” since they’re including a special Valentine’s Day screening of the Korean hit Extreme Job followed by a reception including delicious Korean food. The rest of the line-up is probably more appropriate for the rep section as it will including Asian classics like Stephen Chow’s God of Cookery (1996), Ang Lee’s Eat Drink Man Woman (1994),Tampopo (1985) on Saturday, as well as Ritesh Batra’s amazing The Lunchbox and more on Sunday.

Up at Film at Lincoln Center, there’s the annual “Neighboring Scenes,” the annual celebration of “New Latin American Cinema,” opening Friday with Joanna Reposi Garibaldi’s Lemebel, a documentary about writer/visual artist Pedro Lemebel and his controversial performances amidst Chilean upheaval. Of course, I’m most interested in the Brazilian offerings, but sadly, there just isn’t enough time in the day/week to see as many of the films in this series I’m curious about including the New York premiere of Ema from Chile’s Pablo Larrain (Neruda, Jackie). Click on the link above and check out that line-up.

Further North (in terms of global geography) but South (in terms of New York City geography) is this year’s “Canada Now” series, taking place at the IFC Center from Thursday through Sunday. It will kick off with Guest of Honor, the new film from Canada’s Atom Egoyan, starring David Thewlis and Laysla De Oliveira as father and music school teacher daughter whose lives become complicated when she’s put in prison for earlier crimes. There are seven other movies in this series, most of them getting their U.S. debuts, so that’s another alternative for what could be a busy movie-going weekend.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Lots of stuff premiering on streaming services this weekend including the British animated sequel A Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon on Netflix, as well as the rom-com sequel To All the Boys: PS I Still Love You, which will premiere on Weds and may end up being the “Netflix and chill” choice for many young people on V-Day. (I honestly never got around to seeing the first movies of either of those yet!)

Over on Hulu, they’re premiering the gender-swapped series loosely based on Nick Horny’s High Fidelity, this one starring Zoe Kravitz, the daughter of Lisa Bonet, who appeared opposite John Cusack in Stephen Frears’ adaptation of Hornby’s book from 2000 that was one of my favorite movies that year! Wait a second, even though Kravitz plays a character named Rob, just like Cusack, is she meant to be the daughter of Cusack and Bonet’s characters in that movie? That would be intense! (But probably not. I’m sure I’ll check it out.)

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

The Metrograph’s Valentine’s Dayweekend offerings include Casablanca (1942), Howard Hawks’ 1944 film To Have and  Have Not, the 1932 film Trouble in Paradise, Douglas Sirk’s Written on the Wind (1956) and another screening of Makoto Shinkai’s animated Your Name. The “To Hong Kong with Love” series continues through the end of February, this weekend screening Yellowing (2016), which I haven’t seen.This weekend, the  Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxwill offer two more screenings of Edward Yang’s 4-hour 1991 film A Brighter Summer Day, while Late Nites at Metrograph  will screen Nagisa Oshima’s 1978 film Empire of Passion, also which I have never seen! Rounding out the weekend’s Asian offering is the Playtime: Family Matineesoffering of Yoshifumi Kondo’s 1995 animated film Whisper of the Heart, which guess what? I haven’t seen that either! Clearly, I need to try to get to one of the four movies, right?  

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” is the Susan Sarandon-James Spader romantic drama White Palace (1990). Oddly, the Alamo is CLOSED on Valentine’s Day.. is this true?!? On Sunday is a special “Drew Believers: Drew Barrymore Movie Marathon” with four of Barrymore’s movies in 35mm! (As of this writing, there are a few seats available near the front.) Monday’s “Fist City” is Sam Raimi’s The Quick and The Dead from 1995 and that’s quickly selling out as well. The “Terror Tuesday” is James Gunn’s hilarious Slither and then next week’s “Weird Wednesday” is the 1987 Ken Russell film Gothic.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Wednesday’s “Afternoon Classic” is the 1961 Oscar-winning musical West Side Story. Weds and Thursday night’s double feature is Robert Altman’s 1971 film McCabe & Mrs. Miller and Sydney Pollack’s 1972 film Jeremiah Johnson, starring Robert Redford. This week’s “Freaky Friday” offering is the classic The Bride of Frankenstein (1935, while Friday’s midnight movie is True Romanceand Saturday’s midnight is 1978’s Mean Dog Blues in 16mm! This weekend continues the “Kiddee Matinee” run with the Alfonso Cuaron-directed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Monday’s matinee of David Lynch’s Wild at Heart is already sold out but that night is a Robert Clouse double feature of The Pack(1977) and Darker than Amber (1970). Tuesday’s Grindhouse double feature is 1976’s Sky Riders and 1981’s Force: Five.  

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Thursday is a “Black Voices” double feature of Car Wash (1976) and Cooley High (1975) with guest including Bill Duke in person. John Sayles and Joe Dante will be on hand Friday night for a “John Sayles: Independent” double feature of Piranha (1978) and The Howling (1981). This weekend is the “HFPA Restoration Summit” including a Saturday afternoon presentation called “Serge Bromberg Presents from the Silent Era” with the Lobster Films founder, while the one and only Jane Fonda will be on-hand Saturday evening to present a 4k restoration of the 1972 film F.T.A., which she produced with Donald Sutherland. Saturday night is a screening of The Black Vampire, the 1953 Argentine adaptation of Fritz Lang’s M, and there’s more classic cinema on Sunday as part of the series.

AERO  (LA):

Thursday’s “Antiwar Cinema” matinee is Richard Attenborough’s Oh! What a Lovely War from 1969 with an all-star cast, while that night is a Eugene Levy/Christopher Guest double feature of A Might Windand For Your Consideration. The AERO is ALSO showing Casablancaon Valentine’s Day and then Saturday is another Levy/Guest double feature of Best in Show (2000)and Waiting for Guffman  (1996) with Levy doing a discussion between films. John Sayles and Frances McDormand will appear in person for a Sunday afternoon double feature of 1996’s Lone Star and 1999’s Limbo.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

MOMI is going a bit crazy with its Valentine’s offering but it’s a good one…Jane Fonda in 1968’s Barbarella as part of its new 2001-inspired series “See It Big! Outer Space”! (If MOMI wasn’t all the way in Astoria, I’d totally go.)  It will play again Sunday with Tarkovsky’s Solaris (1972) playing on Friday and Saturday and 1979’s Star Trek: The Motion Pictureon Sunday. Sunday will also be a repeat of Kubrick’s 1969 film 2001: A Space Odyssey in 70mm with a discussion before the movie between Doug Trumbull and Piers Bizony. There’s also the usual DCP screening of 2001on Saturday afternoon, as part of the exhibition. On Saturday, they’ll screen Marjane Satrapi’s excellent Persepolis(2007) as part of its “World of Animation.”

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Starting Friday, the Forum will be screening a DCP restoration of Luchino Visconti’s L’Innocente (1976), starring Giancarlo Giannini. This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is Guys and Dolls from 1955, starring Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons and Frank Sinatra. (If you read this on Wednesday, you can catch Joseph Strick’s 1963 film The Balcony, starring Shelley Winters, Peter Falk and Lee Grant, in 35mm.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

The Quad’s run of Pandora and the Flying Dutchman continues through the weekend, and there will be Valentine’s Day screenings of Alex Cox’s Sid and Nancy on Thursday and Friday night. (How romantic!)

ANTHOLOGY FILM ARCHIVES (NYC):

The Anthology’s great “The Devil Probably: A Century of Satanic Panic” continues this weekend with screenings of Robert Eggers’ The Witch, Alan Parker’s Angel Heart, another screening of Rosemary’s Baby, as well as screenings of Race with the Devil on Weds. and Thursday night. I missed it last week but they’ve been showing Mark Rappaport’s 1975 film Mozart in Love the past week, as well.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

The Cage-athon continues Weds. with Neil Labute’s The Wicker Man (2006) and 2009’s Knowing on Thursday. Valentine’s Day sees screening of Baz Lurhmann’s Romeo + Juliet, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, as well as the 1987 Nicolas Cage movie Moonstruck, co-starring Cher. Spike Jonez and Charlie Kaufman’s Adaptation (2003), starring Cage, repeats on Saturday.

NITEHAWK CINEMA  (NYC):

Williamsburg‘s “Uncaged” series continues Friday with last year’s Mandy at midnight and 1983’s Valley Girl on Saturday morning. Casabalanca is also playing at the Prospect Park on Thursday, and unrelated but Back to the Future will play there on Monday night. Billy Wilder’s 1954 film Sabrina, starring Bogart, Hepburn and Holden will play on Saturay morning.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuel is back with Belle de Jour from 1967, starring Catherine Deneuve.  Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020 will screen the animated Ghost in the Shell, while Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020 will also go with an Anime film, Paprika.

MOMA  (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon is off Weds. and Thursday but will return Friday with Billy Wilder’s Irma La Douce (1963).

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

BAM will continue to show Horace Jenkins’ 1982 film Cane River through the weekend.

Next week, the second to last week of February (man, it flew right by!) will include Fox’s The Call of the Wild, starring Harrison Ford, and the horror sequel, Brahms: The Boy II.