#i think im having a manic episode too

[love-marimo]

I Can't Remember Love (Zhongli x Reader)

Lolita's Note: This is a fic I impulsively wrote inspired by this song! It's one of my favorites. I've been feeling under the weather lately so this is very self-indulgent.

Reminiscence. It is one of the many bittersweet things that Zhongli goes through in his life countless times. There are instances where he wishes he has the memory of a normal human being.

Fickle, fleeting, yet like the essence of the cycle of seasons, the memory of a human being eventually forgets to make room for the new.

Sometimes it forgets the most monotonous thing; sometimes it forgets the most painful encounter. Though, sometimes it also remembers, but unlike him, the memories inside a mortal's mind become a mosaic of fragments unique to their own journey in their lives.

But to him, he remembers it all. Whereas, instead of a fragmented mosaic, they are all clear paintings that move through every fiber of his being.

Memories of the archon war, of the many eras he had lived through, of the many battles he fought, and of the people whom lives he had witnessed blossom and wither - it all melts inside of him, an unpleasant mixture of despair, bloodshed, triumph, and change.

But, out of all the things he remembers, he chooses to reminisce about you.

His beloved.

His treasure.

The first time he saw you was during one of your travels, lost in the mountains where the adepti resided, and he remembers the questioning look in your eyes when you found him sitting alone by the stone table at Mt. Aozang, and he always smiles at himself when he remembers the cautious way you asked him for directions to get back to the harbor.

Back then, he thought he will never see you again, part of him wanted you to take a seat beside him and rest for a while, but he sensed your urgency to return back to where you came from.

So when he saw you again, he remembers how surprised you were when he visited the restaurant you temporarily worked for.

He remembers how hardworking and clever you were. You always loved what you were doing, and he admired your unbreakable resolve to keep moving forward despite the many obstacles you faced in life.

He remembers the day he realized he became too watchful of you, and he remembers the day he found himself accompanying you too often in your journeys.

When you asked him why, he remembers how he told you that he just grew fond being around you.

He remembers how you used to buy yourself beautiful clothes after a commission with a hefty pay.

He remembers how you always dreamed to be part of an opera troupe, and when he tells you he can refer you to one of his acquaintances, you politely refuse him. He remembers you telling him that you've grown 'too old' for it, and that you didn't 'have enough time and resources'; but you always tell him that it can happen in the next life.

For every dream you didn't achieve, he remembers how you always tell him that, often with that sweet smile in your face.

And he almost laughs bitterly at that.

When he thinks about you, he also remembers the archon war.

He remembers searching for you far and wide. For each step that he took, he looked for any sign of you. Anything, even the faintest tune of your voice. He remembers desperation.

To see you,

To feel you,

Alive.

He remembers how the flames engulfed the traces of your life. He remembers the embers of what was once your home.

He remembers the sight of burnt silk and shattered pieces of jade ー one of your favorite possessions.

He remembers how he lost himself at the sight of losing you. And it was painful.

He remembers that it was the moment where he grew tired of losing people that mattered to him.

At the time, he knew nothing but wrath and despair. Zhongli grew coldhearted, his heart hard as stone. But, he found that the passage of time does heal you little by little.

Yet, out of all the things he remembers about you, Zhongli seemed to forget one thing.

Love.

He thinks it's better that way, to forget about how much he loved you. In a sense, it makes remembering you less painful.

With each passing of the seasons, his heart ached less, and his scars healed better. A few hundred years have passed, and Zhongli became a man of many duties.

Presently, the man puts up a facade of a polite and dedicated bachelor, dutifully fulfilling his responsibilities as the esteemed consultant of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.

He seemed to take it as his favorite pastime, drinking tea or having wine and reminiscing about you, especially when he is alone.

Whenever he stops by the Heyu Teahouse, he pictures you as one of the guest performers alongside the Yun-Han opera troupe.

Oh, how you'd look beautiful in their delicate costumes. Zhongli always wishes to a fallen star that maybe someday, you'll return to him living the life you once dreamed of.

But he knows it won't be coming true. So he holds on to every bit of memory he has of you.

Zhongli wants to remember how he loved you.

He wants to remember how he kissed and touched you.

Out of all the things he can forget, why would it be the one? He asks himself.

They say it is bad to open up old wounds, but he does so whenever he thinks about you.

He hates to admit that he wants you back.

Zhongli wants to see and feel your existence again, and maybe he is desperate about it, but he doesn't want to live his life like this anymore.

He doesn't want to pretend. To put up a facade. He has become so restless and empty for the last 500 years. He can't help it.

It's not the same without you.

"I remember springtime, I remember when it rained"

A familiar voice rings through his ears and he looks up to see who the next performer is.

"I remember night time"

His eyes widened at the sight. He saw the one person he had longed for so long.

"The happiness and pain"

There you were, standing on the stage as you sang a mellow song from a foreign region. The guests were intently listening to your melodic voice, as you sang a song of melancholy and love.

"I remember you"

Zhongli found himself walking towards you, cautiously, as if he was reliving the moment of your first encounter. Your eyes were closed, and you had the familiar smile on your face. He remembers it clearly, the expression you have when you were enjoying yourself.

"But I can't remember love"

He found it ironic. You were so beautiful. You felt so complete, like you weren't chasing ends to meet anymore. So, he knows this is different. This is not you from many years ago. Still, you looked the same as ever ー as if you haven't aged at all.

"Was it only yesterday, or many moons ago?"

Zhongli realized you were looking into his eyes, still smiling ー as if you were asking him the lyric you were singing, reminiscing about the archaic past together. He felt his heart beat again, and he wanted nothing but to hold you tight in his arms.

"When I turned and walked away, where, oh, where did it go?"

The lanterns of the teahouse illuminated your face, and you both stood there. Zhongli patiently waited for you to finish the song. He doesn't know how to approach you, or how you'll react when he calls you by your name.

"I remember you. Yet, I want to remember love, and I do…"

You sang the last lines of the song and people clapped as you ended your performance. It turns out you were a local singer who performs in taverns and teahouses all across Teyvat. Zhongli felt nostalgic at that fact. You are still a traveler at heart.

He felt a pang at his chest when you started to walk away. He figured you still had places to go.

No.

He cannot let this happen.

He cannot lose you again.

He called your name as he started to chase after you.

You were about to get inside your carriage when you heard his voice.

"Are you referring to me, sir?" You asked innocently.

"Yes." He replied, catching his breath.

There was silence for a while. While you were studying his appearance, he felt a mixture of feelings as he took in your beauty.

"It… it really is you." He smiled. He doesn't want to scare you, but he remembers now. He remembers how his heart beats fast whenever he's around you. He remembers how it takes all of his composure to remain calm and collected whenever he is near you.

He remembers it all.

And for once, he wishes he won't forget anymore. He'd rather have the curse of remembering everything as long as there's you in it.

He remembers now.

He remembers how much he loves you, even if you don't remember him anymore.

He'll watch over you, just like he did in the past. He'll protect you. And if the time comes when you need him by your side, he'll stay with you ー for as long as you need.

To Zhongli, your existence is enough to make him love you, even if it's just from afar.

So, he thanks every fallen star he has wished to; because he can truly feel alive, now that you're here again.

ー Lolita

[coyoteuugly]

i am so sick of feeling this immense guilt and having no hope for the future i am making a conscious effort to get better and create a life worth living for myself

[schizononagesimus]

I have DID but don't worry, I don't actually exist because the movies say it's all in my head and I'm not a real person 😇

i have tourettes where I say sudden funny things but never any slurs because I am good boy 😇 I have OCD but not the one that makes me really concerned about piss and shit but the movie one that makes me line things up properly nice and neat because I am a good boy 😇 I have bipolar but not the one that makes me act embarrassingly in public because I am on the highest point of a downward curving emotional pendulum swing, but the one that makes me creative af via safely utilizing my tendency towards extreme emotions in my art (because I am a good boy 😇) I have autism but it's the one like from the movies where I'm good at math or being a detective, and not the one that makes other people hate me so bad they want to kill me because I am annoying to them. because I am a good boy 😇 I have schizophrenia too but I also don't, because somehow in the cultural lexicon no one who has schizophrenia is a good boy and there is rarely a stylistic bullshit depiction of the condition, but I'm still a good boy 😇 society knows this. society knows this.

[mawce-mirari]

I've always been afraid to even consider that I have a bipolar disorder partially bc I have seen how much it has ruined other people's lives and partially bc of my PTSD. But I genuinely think I am having a manic episode right now. I feel it so strongly, worse than in a while, and it's causing me to really panic too.

[deceased-lungs]

The drunk texts I get from my ex

[thewispsings]

he got the girl | george russell

pairing: george russell x wolff!reader

summary: that awkward moment when you get caught going on a date with one of your dads drivers.

liked by georgerussell63, alex_albon, maxverstappen1, and 973,826 others!

f1gossip: y/n wolff was seen last night on a date? with george russell, (yes the mercedes driver) last night in monaco? this was actually very surprising for us as well, thoughts?

view comments below!

user1: no shit

user2: no way george pulled y/n

user3: GEORGE IN THE LIKES ??????

user4: NOT ONLY HIM BUT MAX CHARLES ALEX TOOOO ??

user5: sorry guys 😅😅 but that’s actually me and y/n, not her and that skinny twig 😅😅

user6: maybe they were just hanging out??

user7: NO WAY GEORGE PULLED HER

user8: this is actually crazy

user9: okay guys..but the pictures are actually so cute 🙂‍↕️

user10: RIGJT?? THE WAY HES HOLDING HER JACKET AND PURSE TOO 🥰🥰

alex_albon: holy shit @/georgeussell63 no way you actually got her

georgerussell63: well don’t act so surprised 🙄

maxverstappen1: we will act so surprised. she’s rejected you 10 times.

georgerussell63: she has NOT!

maxverstappen1: sorry, 20 times**

user10: WHAT ARE THESE DRIVERS DOING ON A GOSSIP PAGE ??

charles_leclerc: holy cow 😳

mercedesamgf1: omg no

mercedesamgf1: What the fuck is this. - Toto Wolff

user11: NO GEROGE RUN

user12: SOMEONE CHECK IF GEORGE IS STILL ALIVE

user13: TOTO NOOO

user14: WHY IS EVERYONE HERE ????

liked by georgerussell63, mercedesamgf1, yourusername and 43,837 others!

tagged: yourusername, and georgerussell63

f1: it’s been a while, but y/n is back!

view comments below!

user15: her and lewis 😞😞

user16: THATS MOTHERRRR

user17: she looks so good 🙄

user18: GEORGE BEING TAGGED ???

mercedesamgf1: please un-tag George William Russell. - Toto Wolff

user19: someone PLEASE get this old geezer his own instagram account

user20: the way he adds - Toto Wolff, like we don’t already know ???

user21: oh what i would do to be a fly in the mercedes garage right now

user22: the use of george’s FULL name ??? that boy better run

georgerussell63: 😍😍

leiwshamilton: do you want our boss to kill you?

landonorris: it’s like he WANTS to die

user23: WHY IS HE BEING SO PUBLIC ABOUT TUIS ???

user24: after years of being rejected by y/n he wants everyone to know he finally got her 😭

user25: george finally gets y/n and he loses all fear

f1gossip; y/n was asked about the dating rumors today she was asked “are you and george dating”, she answered, “i think he’s made it very clear, hasn’t he?”

view comments below!

user26: GEORGE FINALLY GOT THE GIRL!!

user27: i low key thought george was having like a manic episode and was pretending to date y/n but this basically confirmed it, happy for them!

user28: LMAO WHATT

user29: okay now toto’s reaction pls

user30: wait but if she’s toto’s daughter? why is her hair like blonde blonde

user31: she dyes her hair religiously

user32: okay but george being like so proud of this relationship is so incredibly cute 😞

user33: netflix is going to eat this up

liked by, yourusername, lewishamilton, georgerussell63, and 926,826 others!

mercedesamgf1: our family 🙏🙏

view comments below!

user34: GEORGE LOOKS SO SCARED 😭😭😭

user35: NO IM DYING THIS IS TOO FUNNY

user36: GEORGE LOOKS LIKE HES BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT

user38: this is hilarious

yourusername: p5 and p7 👏👏

georgerussell63: wanted to make you proud 🥰

user39: OH BROTHER HERE HE GOES

user40: toto will appear in an estimated 3 seconds

mercedesamgf1: 😐 - Toto Wolff.

f1gossip: george russell and toto wolff were seen speaking after the race in monaco, sources say that after a intense chat, they hugged it out, thoughts?

view comments below!

user41: AND HE APPROVES!!!

user42: YAY

user43: ITS OFFICIAL, TOTO APPROVES

user44: okay now i can actually be happy about this relationship

user45: i kinda feel bad that his own daughter didn’t tell him that she was dating someone…

user46: they bro hugged 🥹

user47: so happy for y/n and george ❤️

liked by f1, lewishamilton, danielricciardo, mercedesamgf1, and 637,927 others!

georgerussell63: after 4 years, i finally got the girl 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

view comments below!

f1: GEORGE RUSSELL FINALLY DOES IT EVERYONE!!

landonorris: YEAH RUSSELL 🗣️

oscarpiastri: finally 👏👏

danielriccarido: HELL YEAH

maxverstappen1: i still don’t believe it…

lewishamilton: proud of you man 🫂

charles_leclerc: YAY!!!

carlossainz55: he finally made it🥹🥹

mclaren: she could do better

user48: ADMIN??

yukitsunoda: really?

alex_albon: still not convinced this is real 😅

user49: this whole comment section is killing me 😭

liked by, georgerussell63, mercedesamgf1, lewishamilton, and 736,260 others!

yourusername: when he’s dad approved 😍

view comments below!

mercedesamgf1: eh - Toto Wolff.

yourusername: father pls get instagram

georgerussell63: my beautiful gorgeous exquisite breathtakingly beautiful girl 😍😍🥰🥰

user50: need me a man like THIS.

lewishamilton; simp 🫵

yourusername: ??? who taught you that

lewishamilton; the internet

user51: now get married and have 3 kids !!!

georgerussell63: soon!

mercedesamgf1: NO NOT SOON. - Toto Wolff

f1: beautiful couple 😻

user52: THIS IS ADORABLE

user53: i need me a man who loves me as much as he loves y/n

user54: he waited 4 years for her 🥹🥹

user55: the train tracks looks really delicious right about now

user56: me and who???

user57: why is george kinda sexy…

yourusername: how are you just realizing this now?

user57: IT TOOK YOU FOUR YEARS TO NOTICE????

yourusername; no comment.

. . .

notes: i have my chemistry final tomorrow, wish me luck!

[tryingtofindava]

pls im begging for dating ticci toby headcanons 🙏🙏

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 ‘𝐓𝐢𝐜𝐜𝐢’ 𝐓𝐨𝐛𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬*ೃ༄

tw: mention of manic episode.

: ̗̀➛ Back to source

My god.

This boy is full of so much love.

Y’all take FOREVER to actually get together.

It got to the point where Toby got frustrated and was all like “should I just kill them?” (Assuming you ain’t a proxy)

What I’m tryna say is he’s sorta oblivious to his feelings towards you.

But he’s so scared to get attached to you, cuz every time he’s ever gotten close to someone they die.

But when y’all (finally) get together after a long ahh slow burn.

YOU TWO ARE LITERALLY THE CUTEST OMD.

He was so surprised that you said yes when he asked you out. Like- you? The pretty girl who he had the the pleasure of becoming friends with???? Says yes to him????

He’s so happy

Buttttttttttttttt.

So awkward it’s almost painful.

Onetime you kissed him on his cheek, bro was all like ‘🧍’

But when you guys get past that awkward stage? You guys are practically attached to the hip.

And I know most of the fandom hates the ‘soft Toby’ stereotype, but I feel like that’s just how he is w you (though he does have his moments…)

Lots of reassurance. It’s needed if y’all wanna last.

He isn’t used to have someone be so affectionate towards him. Since deadass the only person who’s showed him genuine love was Lyra.

When y’all first met, he’d always wear a massive ass bandage over the gash on his cheek.

Every time you saw it you gave him the ‘🤨’ look, which he’s just shrug it off. And when you’d ask him about it, he’d say something like:

“It’s ruh-rude to ask t-that.”

He’d even continue wearing it INTO your dating life, he’ll eventually cave in since it’s been around 8 months of him wearing it around you. And a wound would normally be healed by now.

He wasn’t at all surprised by your reaction of shock.

He’ll always have it on out of the apartment though. No exceptions.

He calls you ‘pretty thing’ sm it becomes a tic.

Eskimo kisses? Eskimo kisses.

He try’s his best to keep the whole murder part of his life away from you. But it’s obvious so… that was one long night of going over things.

Anywaysssss.

AQUARIUM DATES! Y’all get in your grandpa jumpers and walk around the aquarium holding hands and looking at all the cool fish n’ shit.

HE LOVES LOVES LOVES NECK KISSES.

He’s a slut for knowing he’s yours.

He loves teasing the shit outta you for being short. Even though he’s like 3 inches taller

“I’ve been b-breaking my buh-back k-k-kissing you, babe.”

“Piss off.”

He loves laying between your legs with his face flushed against your chest while you run your fingers through his hair and itch his scalp.

When you guys are sleeping, you’ll constantly have to make sure he doesn’t get too over headed or cold due to his CIPA.

Speaking of sleeping, he grinds his teeth while he’s dreaming. So just gently grab his chin to stop him. And he’s a deep ass sleeper so he won’t feel it lol.

He isn’t a big fan of PDA when you guys aren’t behind closed doors, but he’ll ALWAYS hold your hand.

On the less sappy note, when he’s having a tic attack he will not allow you to come near him. He’s so scared of hurting you.

And when he’s having an episode?

Make sure you stay calm. And maybe get to him before he gets to you. He’ll be so upset if he did hurt you while going through one of his schizophrenic like states.

To help him through his manic episode, stay as calm as you can, let him know that, although you don’t share the belief that it’s real, you understand that it is real to him. Try and keep focused on supporting him with how he’s feeling in that moment, rather than confirming or challenging his reality.

If he does snap at you, he’ll feel so guilty. He will think that he’s just like his dad.

He’ll probably disappear for a few days, but when he comes back he’s begging for you to not leave him. Like he’s full on sobbing.

Hold him.

He’s clingy. Like super clingy. Clingy to the point where it just becomes obnoxious. And gets a bit irritating but he means well :(

He loves you like a dog, and he’ll do anything for you. He trusts you with his whole being and hopes you feel the same.

✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•

[fraudulent-cheese]

Actually no, i want to expand on my relative dislike of WT. Because when people talk about this season's faults, i BARELY see people mentionning the complete flattening of like half it's cast!

Oh sure, people are super willing to throw shit at TDA and especially TDAS for it's flanderisation of characters, but outside of some rogue posts by mutuals, i don't see ANY OF YOU pointing the finger at World Tour when i'd argue it's especially eggregious.

Owen's the easiest example of this, and while it didn't start this season it got so much during it. Nearly all of his lines revolve around food, his aerophobia, or Izzy for a single episode. His relationship with Alejandro is also super indicative of this; im willing to accept the HC that he was aware of Alejandro's dislike of him and just wanted to win him over, but that's absolutely not what the writters intended, no way in hell. He's just completely oblivious to his shitty behavior when he seemed at least somewhat aware of Heather's shifty behavior back on Island, or at least able to stand up for himself (shoutouts to that one Action episode). It's not fun to watch, either.

Bridgette too had her personality reduced to one or two traits, for either comedy reasons (because apparently people making out 24/7 is funny) or story reasons (establishing Alejandro as a threat who uses flirting and his general attractiveness to advance his strategy) and it suckssssss because she was! an actual character! and World Tour especially benefits from having a 'straight man' type character that can look at the other's weirdness and react to it like a normal-ish person! That and she could be an interesting presence to have on Team Victory, with her friendships with Leshawna and Courtney for instance.

DJ too is a BIG victim of the flanderisation thing; his personality is dumbed down to just being a huge scaredy cat, and his character is just The Curse. That's all he does and that's all he is, all he talks about. And that sucks because he too, was an actual person in Island and even Action! Sure, he was sometimes a pushover and had an accident-prone bunny, but he was also kind and could actually go out of his way to play pranks on people! But all of that is just gone in WT.

There's also the characters that weren't flanderised, and more just. Written entirely out of character. Outside of the entire Love Triangle (which i will get to) the biggest example of this is Leshawna to me. The writters straight forget the episode in Action where she's entirely dsitrustful of the Pizza they were offered (which did turn out to be tampered with) due to Chef being uncharasterically nice to them. Guess what Alejandro was doing. Being overly nice to her out of nowhere. Frankly she fell victim to the same thing Bridgette did; needing to be sacked for Alejandro's villany to be better established.

Ok fuck i need to mention the Love Triangle too because while people complain about it alot i don't think they complain about the correct stuff. i'll go rapid fire because it's been talked to death however; Gwen's liking of Duncan is a retcon, her acting like this is out of character for her frankly, Duncan's out of character by trying to emotionally manipulate his ex and the lore established to justify it makes it worse (remember the "At least im straight with people" line?), Courtney is villanised from even before this point which while her anger might've been targetted at the wrong person she was justified in being upset imo, Courtney's entire character is thrown out of a window in general this season, blah blah blah.

I'll end on the whole "the writters forgetting entire character traits/arcs" Cody still hitting on Gwen this season makes no goddamn sense and is super uncomfortable to watch. He's really such a nothing character man. Sierra deserved better than being a manic pixie stalker girl.

[peachesofteal]

peach I was diagnosed as bipolar this week. im scared and have no one to talk to. Its going to be the rest of my life and that scares me

tw mental health, medication, etc

Okay, let's chat.

These are my opinions:

First, you are not bipolar. You have bipolar. Having bipolar is not being bipolar. People who have cancer are not cancer. For me this distinction is important.

It is really scary at first. Your feelings are valid. A lot of people worry they'll never live fulfilled or happy lives once receiving a diagnosis. This is blatantly untrue. Yes, it's the rest of your life. No, you're not doomed or broken or sick.

Here is what I (personally) recommend:

See a therapist outside of a psychiatrist. Full stop.

Medication. Don't try to raw dog it. For most, it will end badly. For me, it ended badly on multiple occasions. Some people refuse meds because they believe they can manage on their own, and good for them, but there is no gold star for being unmedicated. My personal opinion is: it's dangerous. Additionally, it could take a long time to find the right med or combination of meds. It will be frustrating. Don't give up. Also, if you start taking meds and all of the sudden "realize you don't actually have bi polar" or "think you never had it in the first place" ... it means you took the drugs and the drugs are working. It doesn't mean stop taking your meds.

A support system. If you don't have a solid support system in your life, look up support groups for mental heath or bi polar specifically. Cultivate support in online spaces. Listen and learn from other's experiences. If there's absolutely nowhere else to turn, join the bi polar groups on reddit and take comfort in the fact that A. you're definitely not alone and B. there is always someone else who's done way more fucked up shit than you have. Trust me.

Self awareness. Recognizing depressive episodes, hyper mania, manic episodes will go a long way. This is really difficult. Hyper mania is almost impossible to determine from the inside looking out. Depressive and manic episodes are a little easier because they are/can be so extreme. Psychosis is impossible to recognize in yourself until you're on the other side. This is why a support system is really important. Get an app and track your moods, your feelings, your habits. Look for the patterns. Are you sleeping too much? Too little? Are you spending a lot of money? When was the last time you saw your friends, are you engaging in risky sexual behaviors, do you think you're god, are you sleeping for fourteen hours, are you talking so fast no one can understand you, do you think you're hearing things, are you doing a lot of drugs, are you driving across the country for no reason, are you making serious life changes that you've never considered before, are you flying off the handle with rage, etc etc etc.

Look back and see if you can recognize behaviors or symptoms you've exhibited and use that knowledge to help you recognize them in the future. Medication is not foolproof. Do not use this advice to look back and pick yourself apart.

No psychedelics. Not even micro dosing shrooms.

Be gentle with yourself and get enough sleep. Be honest in therapy. Get some sunlight. Exercise to the best of your ability. Do not skip your meds. Give yourself grace. Embrace who you are.

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

hey, is anyone still here? looks like the last time i was on here was two years ago and change. things are really different now, but i guess then again it would be weird if they were the same

i was thinking of returning to this dead site because for a good fifteen years it was a big part of my life and provided me with a unique way to express my thoughts and ideas and feelings and opinions and musings to an audience of people who can hear me but not truly know me outside of my words that i share on this platform. and on the same coin i enjoy following the lives of people i know nothing about and watching their stories and selves develop and evolve from a complete distance in every sense

i'm five months sober now

i have a hard time pinpointing when exactly i became an alcoholic, but i guess i could say i dealt with it in some degree for about eight years, and progressively, as it always goes

i graduated with my masters last may (2023) in critical media studies where i spent my time writing and researching feminist cultural social and media theory. i produced a great deal of work i was and am very proud of including a thesis that is honestly my life and heart's work but unfortunately over the course of those two years my drinking escalated rapidly and by the end i was manically and drunkenly banging out papers and essays in the dead of night sleepless and naively inspired

somehow i got a 4.0 though despite that. everyone in my life always says i played off my drinking well anyway. beats me how or why

once i graduated i practically immediately began drinking all day every day while somewhat-hardly-kind-of-not-really looking for work which was fruitless and i quickly learned my degree i worked so hard for meant practically nothing to employers who were merely looking for experience i dont have outside of my teaching background in grad school

for almost exactly a year i was drunk 100% of the time i was awake

same old story, at some point i switched to bottom shelf pints of vodka, which constituted my breakfast lunch and dinner. sat on my couch in my filthy apartment occupying my filthy poisoned failing body either watching tv or causing problems somehow

this was when i was twenty-nine. for a while now i had known in my heart of hearts i wasnt someone who would ever be able to handle my liquor or drink like a normal person, whatever that means, and that too much was never enough, and that it was literally impossible to function so long as booze was a part of my life. any attempts to "cut back" or "take breaks", i knew, would end the same way, which was waking up to shots of room temperature vodka and being a prisoner to the worst shame a person can feel

i figured once i turned thirty, which was this march, that would probably be about the time i got sick of my own shit and said goodbye to the bottle. which i undeniably felt a kind of affection toward as if it were a lover. still do in a sense and thats why ill never flirt with it again

my sobriety date is april 16th 2024. my last drink was a shot of vodka at 8:30 am on the 15th after creating massive gashes in my upper arm the previous evening during a blackout fight with my boyfriend

im still unemployed and extremely mentally ill and my bipolar has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years and will likely continue to according to what the science says and all of that. after my last manic episode last month i adjusted my meds (again) and for now they seem to be working but i don't hold my breath really

i do AA and i like it a lot, i do it my own way, i have a sponsor who approaches the program liberally and progressively and shares many of my comorbidities and has allowed me the freedom to define my relationship to the program and god in a way that works for me and i have made incredible strides through this. i have become a far far far better person.

being sober is easy and i never want to drink. not once not ever

ive never worked so hard on myself in my life because i got as close to death as i ever had and ive been very close at many points in my life for many years. when i was drinking i knew i wouldnt make it to see 35 if i continued as i was

therapy, AA, meds, a whole fucking lot of discipline

ive been with my boyfriend for two years and wed like to get married. thats nothing that will happen anytime soon but it is nice to think about. he has been by my side through unimaginable things that any sane person would not have stuck around for. he is my heart and my soul

im also trying to start applying for jobs again but im genuinely on the fence if i am capable of holding a full time job due to my severe mental illness. im exploring a bunch of options right now as far as that whole thing goes. the future is very uncertain as always

let me know if you see this or remember me or anything.

bye for now

[ghost-cricket]

heeyyyyyy guys

i was doing a writing contest with my friends to make an AvA fic based off of a pre-existing episode. i did the flashback and im actually really proud of this, so without further ado, here it is.

Eye Strain and Hand Pain - The Flashback

TW/CW: swearing, mild blood/gore (i wasn't allowed to do too much), implied cannibalism, implied self-harm

Word count: I don't remember, but somewhere around 2,000

fic below the cut :3

~~~~~

For being a horrible atrocity, the killing spree was pretty fun. The poor civilians' frenzied shrieks, the two siblings' laughs as adrenaline pumped through their veins. Splotches of red covering their clothes, they didn't mind destroying anything they came across.

After all, why would they?

Destruction was all they knew.

Dark took a wheezy breath into his inhaler before tucking back into his stained jacket pocket and flying over to Chosen. He was shouting something incoherent at people running for their lives. 

Dark tapped his shoulder, fidgeting with the broken zipper on his jacket. Chosen spun around, eyes glowing bright crimson. "Un autre ? Ils continuent à venir comme s'ils le voulaient..." (Another one? They keep coming as if they want this...) he said with a manic smile, fading as he realized it was his younger brother.

"Hey, Cho!" Dark said quietly, a smile on his flushed face. "I.. I think we might have to wrap this up.. It's getting dark and my chest hurts a bit." 

Chosen nods, seeming a bit spaced out. 

An offhand comment of "Ever wonder what those fuckers taste like?" and the two siblings found themselves sitting around a campfire. Dark's heavy eyelids eventually closed, his head on Chosen's lap. The latter didn't mind carrying the former home.

~

Dark unclenched his jaw to drink some of his water. It felt good on his dry throat and eased the hunger clawing at his stomach. He hadn't moved from his computer for 14 hours now. 

Originally, the standing desk seemed like a good idea, but Dark's scoliosis has gotten worse over the years and now standing for so long just made his back hurt.

Hence the bottle of ibuprofen beside the computer. He had taken 5 now. 

Staring at the small numbers and letters on his computer screen was giving him a pounding headache that not even the painkillers could help. He ended up having to squint harder than was comfortable to even see much of what he was doing.

But with a final hit of the enter key, Dark was done. He felt like he was going to pass out. A quick glance at a clock told him it was either 10:30 or 1:03. Either way, it didn't matter. He finally finished his project, ending a 2-month hyperfixation. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he had eaten or slept, which further explained why everything was aching. He was ready to just curl up on the floor and go to sleep and forget about the world, the animator, the hurt, when Chosen opened his door, even the soft click of the door ringing in Dark's ears. He turned his hearing aids down.

"Dark, I honestly don't care if I have to drag you out of here, you haven't left this room in 14–" Chosen starts, quickly being cut off. "Cho! Cho, I finished! You wanna see? I- I did it! Finally! It'll be just like you.. like we always wanted!"

Chosen chuckled softly. "Alright, alright... Since you say it's 'so incredible.' Just take it down a notch, okay? You're talking really loud." 

Dark rolled his eyes. "Just turn your hearing aids down." He paused. "But- But anygays, I have my thingy to show you!" He darted back to his computer, stimming excitedly. 

"O-okay, okay, so.. So, this is the ViraBot! I've been working on it for, like, 2 months! It can do a ton of- A ton of cool shit! A-and.." Dark's tone was shifting from excited to just plain manic. Chosen placed both hands on his shoulders. "Deep breaths." 

Dark did as he was told and started over with a sigh. "This, my dear brother, is the ViraBot." 

"It looks like a spider, but missing a few legs."

Dark shot Chosen a glare. The latter shrugged.

"But anygays, this thing has a ton of features, like..." Dark typed a couple things on his computer and the ViraBot on the wall suddenly had a bright red spike on the end of its... limb. Dark smiled. "And that's just the start."

He took the spike, its sharp end glinting in the warm sunlight. He forcefully stabbed his globe with the the spike and it immediately dissolved into some bare code, along with its stand. Dark grinned, his coal black eyes shining. "We can destroy the world, Cho. And anyone who would fucking dare hurt us the way that cursor did."

Chosen just stared in horror for a moment, his chest tightening painfully. 

Not another bloodbath.

Not more innocents' screams.

Not more fire and tears and broken bones.

Why would Dark want to go back to that after all this time living normally?

But then again, why wouldn't he?

Pain and death and killing was all he knew.

Dark loaded the ViraBot into its launcher, carefully contained in a red-and-white casing. 

"Dark. We don't have to do this."

Dark's excitement died down for a moment. His smile faltered. "...wh-what?"

He quickly puts his smile back on. "Come on, Cho! It's what we always wanted to do! Obviously we've gotta start with our biggest problem, the..."

"Dark..?"

"...cursor, who can fucking burn in hell. Like, how could he do those things to you? To us? Nobody can just do that..."

"Dark."

"...but I digress, this lil bitch will end up on his computer and fuck him up just as bad as we did! And then I can finally go to sleep. And drink water, it's been a hot minute since I've done that..."

"Dark."

Dark's hand was hovering over the button, either quivering from excitement or just outright shaking from the exhaustion of not sleeping for so long.

"What? Oh, do you wanna press the button? Yeah, that's only fair. After all-"

"Dark, stop."

"But.. What? This is what-"

"Dark, shut up! Have you ever considered that maybe I don't want this? That the whole world doesn't fucking revolve around you and what you want?"

Dark felt the all-too-familiar sting of tears forming in his eyes, but he swallowed and blinked them back. Fine then. Be like that, he thought to himself. I'll just... do it myself..

Shaky hands.

Breath hitching in his throat.

Hand lowers.

Rough hands, firm grip on Dark's shoulders.

"Dark, what did I say? We can't do this!"

Dark wanted to explain to Chosen why they had to, why it would be the best decision ever for them, why he had gotten a total of just 56 hours of sleep in the past two months. But as he prepared the explanation, the words died on his tongue. He couldn't force them out if he tried. 

So he just went for the button again.

This time when he was met with the rough hands, he ended up on 

the cold tile with his nose bleeding, a new crimson stain soaking into the collar of his shirt. He felt his hands heating up and unstifle-able tears welling up in his eyes.

A few seconds later, a wall crumbled.

Just like Chosen and Dark's once perfect relationship.

Soon things devolved into what was pretty much a fistfight, but with a few more broken walls. Everything blurred around Dark as he ran for the button.

His revenge.

His closure.

Only a moment after Dark's palm hit the smooth red plastic, he felt a small explosion and found himself in the air, falling.

"I thought you wanted this."

~

Chosen took a deep, shaky breath as memories of him flooded his mind.

In and out.

Hands ignited.

He got a sort of adrenaline rush from all this, and he hadn't flown in months. It was kind of nice to do it again. Feel the cold wind on this face, see everything from beautiful views.

Maybe once this was all over, he could go fly somewhere. Though, it wouldn't be the the same without Dark...

That's okay, times change. And who knows, maybe he'll-

Impact.

Chosen pulled away from the light blue barrier that the ViraBot had so easily gone through, coughing weakly into his arm.

That's gonna hurt later.

It took a painfully reddened hand to realize that no amount of punching would do anything.

~

Dark felt himself hit the ground with a... Well, he wasn't sure what it sounded like, but it sure as hell could've been the loudest thing he had ever heard. It at least felt that way.

With a soft groan, he rolled over from his back to his side.

"God, I think I broke... everything.." he muttered, taking a few moment to collect his scattered, betrayed, hurt thoughts before picking himself up, pleased with the fact that nothing seemed actually broken at the moment. He quickly looked himself over, wincing as he noticed the sheer state of his body. Through the charred and still warm hole in his shirt, he could see dark, black burns, deep red oozing from melted skin.

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit..." Dark stumbled to his old... pitifully small house? Shack? Place...? He was honestly too disoriented to remember what the small structure's original purpose was, and his shaky ankles that, in hindsight, were probably sprained or something, threatened to give out at any moment.

Dark all but collapsed on the floor.

Down on his hands and knees.

Panting.

Saliva dripping from his mouth.

Tears dripping from his eyes.

He dug through the supplies stored under the table and pulled out some disinfectant, a shit ton of bandages, and a spare T-shirt.

He gingerly took off his current, very burnt one and set it aside. It was horrifically bloodstained anyway.

Mentally preparing himself for the burning sensation, he poured some disinfectant straight from the bottle onto the mess of stuff he didn't even want to look at.

Once he figured he had screamed and cried enough, it was onto the bandages.

From experience, bandaging yourself can be difficult, but not impossible after enough practice. Now, if your skin just stopped actively melting, that changes thing a bit, but Dark didn't really have a choice.

So he wrapped the slightly dusty gauze as tightly as he could around his chest and stomach, using a few too many pieces of tape to hold it in place. He then awkwardly pulled on the also dusty shirt and smoothed out some of the wrinkles. For the sake of being able to walk more comfortably, he also wrapped his ankles, which seemed to work wonders when he stood up and they only somewhat ached.

Maybe that was just his fast healing, though. If there was one pro to being created, it was that.

Dark let out a long, pained sigh before standing up on less-than-steady legs and pulling up the ViraBot code on his computer.

He glanced at the three whiteish scar lines on the back of his wrist.

Maybe they could use a fourth one to match.

~

Through strained eyes and sheer willpower, Chosen managed to break through the barrier.

A chilling sense of nostalgia gripped him as he traveled in the empty space leading to the PC.

He wanted it to stop.

His breathing picked up.

Tears stung his eyes for a moment.

If he was being honest, he really didn't want to go back to that place, but-

Another impact.

Okay, fuck what I said earlier, this hurts now.

More eye strain and hand pain got Chosen inside the PC.

The fight with the ViraBot was unpleasant, to say the least. Chosen didn't enjoy the metallic-tasting red in his mouth or the way his vision blurred and doubled after a while if he wasn't focusing on anything. But really, he didn't like that he and Dark's relationship was even more strained than his ruby-red eyes.

As Chosen left the PC, he gave a small nod of acknowledgement to his creator.

As he went back to face Dark, he couldn't help but feel like he was no better.

~~~~~

fun fact: this is my longest oneshot :3

heyyyy uh

the SH warning was there for a reason, but i mustve forgotten to copy-paste two lines, so i went back and fixed it TvT

[raisin-shell]

Hey. Just wanted to say I love your blog. I’ll keep it short. What’s your take on the guys mental health?

Here we go nonnie. The good the bad and the ugly…

Leo

OCD- he keeps his things neat and tidy…. A little too tidy. He lives his life in complete order. He’s always on schedule and always on time. He has strict rules he’s set for himself and he abides by them.

PTSD- due to how close he is with his dad, seeing him die (or what would have been death from the first movie) really fucked him up. He suffers from nightmares and insomnia even though his father is still very much alive and this would also explain why he mistrusts others. EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT ABOUND.

NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES- he thinks very highly of himself. Needs to be adored by his father. NEEDS TO BE. Lacks empathy for others and as we’ve seen in OOTS will lie and never even acknowledge it or even apologize.

Raph

BIPOLAR- he builds up walls to keep others out and to keep from being hurt. He goes from being enthusiastic and gung-ho to being uninterested and reclusive. (Manic-depressive). MOOD SWINGS good lord. He obsesses over things like lifting weights or working out. Also hates to shower.

SEXUAL ADDICTION- in my AU, I write Raph with a sexual addiction. Mainly because he’s got a lot of testosterone pumping through those veins but also because of his manic episodes. A lot of bipolar people also struggle with sexual addiction and I believe Raph with all his rage issues definitely needs a way to cool off steam and sex is his go to.

Donnie

ANXIETY- poor Donnie boy is riddled with it. Having to be the brains of every operation is extremely nerve racking and his coffee consumption does not help.

ADHD- he is a people pleaser, a perfectionist and a jack of all trades. As we see when he is attempting to drive the garbage truck for the first time, he has difficulty focusing and concentrating on the task at hand. However we also see how Donnie can handle himself under extreme amounts of pressure. “It’s all you Donnie… no pressure no pressure.” As we see when he’s locating the beacon on Krang’s ship.

Mikey

ADHD the other side of the spectrum- he’s unable to sit still in calm or quiet surroundings. Constantly fidgeting. Unable to concentrate on tasks as we’ve seen in the plane scene in Brazil. Excessive physical movement. Excessive talking. Unable to wait his turn while talking. He has little to no sense of danger at all, constantly cracking jokes at the most inappropriate of times.

Im sure there’s more that can be added to these so you guys feel free to open a discussion! Special thanks to @rebel-hamato and @turtle-babe83 for helping me out with research! Love you guys to the moon and back!

[know-it-all-and-all]

Cathin First Day.

Caine “and remember to all be… oh” Caine sees a new member behind the others.

??? “this can't be true… it can be” the girl began to say in a low voice

Ragatha “oh… pomni do you think she is going to be ok?” whispering

Pomni “I don't know…”

Zooble see that Ragatha didn't do the usual thing of trying to calm…

??? “I HAVE BEEN ISEKAIDED WOHOO!!!” The girl began to jump and laugh like she just won the lottery “NO MORE JOB FOR ME! IM FREE IM A PROTAGONIST OF MY OWN ISEKAI!”

Jax “cool another freak” gets punched by Tether “softly”

Tether “don't call my mom Freak” Jax and Tether began to yell and insult the other in the background.

Gangle knows the term so is Coiom so the two of them reach the girl.

Gangle “Hi, first of all you are taking this pretty well, And secondly is not really isakai, is more like trapped in a digital space”

??? “HO! LIKE LOG HORIZON OR SAO?”

Coiom “log horizon… kinda, our brains are in danger though, with all the abstra-'' Gangle shut him off before he finishes because Harley was getting in the room.

Harley “hi~ good morning to you all~ … oh is that a cat lady? Cool she looks like uncle Jax” Jax and Tether stop fighting when the girl arrives.

Jax “she doesn't look like me!”

Harley “yes she does, look she has two ears a long neck and a Cheshire cat like grin”

Jax “she doesn't have… to close” the girl was almost touching Jax for how close she was, he can see her green almost scary big cat eyes behind her hair.

??? “So are you the main love interest of this anime? You look like…” she was interrupted by Caine.

Caine “as much as I want you to keep going with this “love at first sight" moment, darling I need to give you the tour of the circus” he grabs her and disappears out of thin air. Everyone was looking at Jax like he just spawned a second head, minus Harley she was smiling happily “maybe I have another auntie now” she was thinking, and everyone can read that of her expression.

Jax “stop smiling like that!”

Harley “But Uncle Jax, this is amazing, you will have a girlfriend finally!"

Jax “she is not going to be…

”Tether “yes Harley she has the decision to choose widely too”

Jax looks at Tether with an angry face.

Jax “what are you implying with that Lego [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%]”

Tether “oh nothing, just the Truth, a good looking girl like that would never fall for the likes of you” the both began to see each other with an angry glare, but Harley stopped them.

Harley “stop! Tete everyone deserves love! And uncle Jax be a little open about this perhaps this can help you with the thing you say to me abo-” Jax put a hand on the mouth of the little girl.

Jax “they don't need to know that ginger plushie” Caine gets back with an even more happy cat girl.

??? “This is amazing, I love this place already, cameras everywhere and daily episodes? Cool!” She does a little dance.

Caine “happy to have such a positive attitude darling, now do you want a name?”

??? “WAIT! I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME!” everyone expect this would freak her out “COOL IS LIKE I JUST REBORN HERE!” Every member facepalm, less the children.

Caine “yes and your new name can be anything, *proceed to tell the terms of service*” What are you thinking?*

??? “Umm… well I'm a Cat now… and I always like Catherine as a name… so Cathin? How does that sound?*

Harley “that sounds lovely”

Cathin “aw thanks you little one, nice to meet you all I'm Cathin the cat, hehehe it sounds so cute” Everyone was so stunned to say absolutely anything.

Caine “oh right, almost forgotten, the adventure of today, well Cathin is here now, so I would explain the adventure again ”Zooble groans in the background, Coiom leaves the room in the direction of the call center with Tether and Harley, Ragatha decides to stick for the adventure today.

Caine “the adventure of today is… “Hunt the Wakaljak” *began to manically laughing* the digital forest is now the new territory of the wild and big Wakaljak and you all have to find it before the night when he would be more dangerous”

Bubble “and how will they fight him?”

Caine “well that's easier to answer them…”

Bubble “and what is the…” he popped after Caine touched him.

Caine “you all have weaponry for this adventure, a comically large swords and bows and Kinger will have his shotgun”

Pomni “I don't think he should have that back Caine…”

Caine “shut up! And remember to all of you be together, the Wakaljak like to hunt lone or par members, now have fun my little Superstars” he disappeared again.

Cathin run to pick a big sword, her smile was big and amazed “this is like a monster hunter quest, I feel like being in a Raid in a MMORPG!” Jax picks a bow next to her, and she rests her head on his shoulder “and we can kill it together cutie” Jax takes a step back.

Jax “no so fast kitty, I'm not interested in whatever you are looking for”

Cathin “aww playing hard to get, cool I like the chase”

Jax “get the [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%] away from me”

Cathin “oh wait… [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%], [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%], [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%], [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%], [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%], [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%], [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%], [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%]” she began to laugh “what is this? 4kids censorship? Ahahhaha”

The members are now outside in the digital forest.

Pomni “this remember me the time we do a rpg episode, it was fun"

Ragatha “yeah… we all coordinate pretty well back there, curious that Coiom left”

Gangle “He and Storky are teaching Martin little things”

Zooble “Tether talk a lot of how clumsy he is, I still didn't see him, how he is like?”

Ragatha “he is a cute little bean, he sure is confused sometimes, but he means well”

Cathin is seeing all that interaction with interest “so this is a Yuri anime as well… nice less competition for you” she gets closer to Jax.

Jax “move! I'm not your boyfriend!”

Cathin “aw you break my little heart”

Jax ”good, now [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%] off”

Cathin “meany, but I still love you~♡♡”

Jax frown “you don't know me, you just came here! What are you, a child?!”

Cathin “nope I'm legal teehee~” Jax start walking faster, but Cathin easily emulates his rhythm, but he gets faster, so she does the same, before they can hear the rest of the members yelling at them they are running deep inside the digital forest.

Some minutes later the both of them stopped breathing heavily.

Jax “just leave me alone”

Cathin “can't do that hon, a heroin need alone time with the love interest” He realizes that they are alone in the digital forest, doing the exact opposite of what Caine told them not to do, and he is already too exhausted to keep running.

Jax “oh… [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%]” a big shadow cover the both of them and Jax nervous look up, a corn like monster is looking at them with sharp fangs, jax began to freak out.

Cathin “woah… I was hoping for something much worse than that, ok sexy let's kill… hot stuff?” Jax is below a tree fallen trunk trembling “really?”

Pomni “Jax! Cathin! Darn it, they run so far"

Zooble “why are we preoccupied for them again?”

Gangle “is her first day Zobs… even if she is taking it well, maybe is a coping mechanism” Ragatha looks nervous but Pomni gently takes her hand, and Ragatha relaxes slowly.

Kinger is in the front pointing his shotgun at anything that call his attention, the other four trough “give him a shotgun is a really bad idea”

Jax “get out of my hiding spot!” Jax is still below the tree's fallen trunk, Cathin is next to him because she doesn't want to fight that thing alone.

Cathin “if you came out and help me kill that thing maybe~♡♡”

Jax “NO! [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%] Caine and his stupid made out names for his adventure’s monsters, he knows! He [#$ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ!%] do this on purpose.

Cathin “So you are scared of a big corn monster?”

Jax “I'm not scared!” Cathin closes her distance and touches Jax's shoulder with hers

.Cathin locks eyes with Jax “well… Some say that love can be born from a dangerous situation” Jax heart skips a beat “and we are alone in a forest being hunted by your worst nightmare… at least you have me with you” her voice was slow and subjective, she put her hand on top of his “just the two of us” she said resting her head on his shoulder “isn't this romantic?”

Jax has a lump in his throat, his heart rate began to run a marathon, he is scared of how she manipulated his feelings so we'll, this girl is dangerous, more dangerous than the corn monster outside, “god help me” he trough.

Kiaaa appears a second “nope” she disappears.

Kinger is following the trail, he for some reason remembers something similar, the humidity in the ambient, the smell of gunpowder of his shotgun, the sound of the wind moving the leaves, and the comfy chat between friends, he is focused, he sees the trail of his prize.

Gangle “kinger is acting a little odd today”

Zooble “babe he is always odd”

Pomni “no I noticed too, he is not trembling, he seems focus”

Ragatha “thank god I was not the only one noticed, I thought I was…”

Gunfire makes the four of them jump, and the next thing they see is Kinger with the Wakaljak defeated next to a “smiling” Kinger in a hunter pose.

Kinger “take the photo darling I kill a big one… darling…?” He seems lost again, almost like searching for something or someone, Zooble tiredly sighs.

Zooble “hey I take the photo”

Kinger “oh thanks sports!”

Cathin see the rest of the members and taking the hand of Jax and take him out of his hideout “ok sweetie the danger is dead” he almost fall but she grab him before he does, now they are face to face almost kissing, but Caine appears.

Caine “well done everyone the adventure is over! You won!”

The next thing Jax knows is that he is on the floor and Cathin is walking next to Caine.

Cathin “nice episode ringmaster, I hope for the one tomorrow.

Jax “h-hey…”

Cathin “huh… what? The episode is over, I don't need to keep acting, what do you believe? Hahahaha pathetic, you are just an attempt of Tumblr sexy man, maybe you are the love interest of my character in the adventures, but don't get near me freak” and leaving a stun Jax she leaves in her way to the tent, the others are looking amazed at the whole scene.

Jax “WHAT THE F….

TBC.

I hope you enjoy this as I was writing it.

[paras1t1c-squ1dd]

RAAAAAGGHHHH NEW WIZ REF 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

He has a LOT of lore to him 🙏🙏 I will probably edit the post later to add more but yeag ↓↓↓ (TW: emetophobia mention.)

If it wasn't obvious, Wiz is Noise's brother. He's about a year younger than Noise.

Yes, his real name is Wilfred. His ENTIRE name is Wilfred Harlan Noise.

Think of His and Noise's relationship like Stanford and Grunkle Stan. It's basically that. (Wiz being Stanford and Noise being Grunkle Stan) It seems like they hate each other but deep down they really care about the other.

Even though he seems like a mean, scary wizard when you first meet him.... But he's really just a sad and pathetic guy. A boyfail even /hj

Bro is stinkin' rich, he has his own mansion n all that. He's also pretty famous for his magic shows as well, but he's not recognized often when not in costume.

He's always grinning or showing his sharp teeth because he doesn't like showing his buck tooth.

One if not both of his eyes are constantly red. Either his eyes are fucked up (which is why he has glasses but refuses to wear them) or it's just... Like that. But they glow green whenever he uses magic.

He also secretly likes crocheting small animal plushies. No one knows about it.

Alright, now for some lore.

He gained his magic from being possessed. How he got possessed is he found a cursed book (on accident), opened it, and made a deal with the spirit that came out of it. It possessed him and gave him magic. Though, there are many downsides. His magic relies on his energy, the less energy he has, the less powerful his magic is. If he runs out of energy, he passes out. Using too much of his magic can cause him to either pass out as well, cough up/puke green sludge that looks like toxic waste (Green and glowing), Or both. Other symptoms can include: Increased outbursts of rage, permanently nauseous when not practicing magic, and manic episodes. Yeah, he's not doing too well. The only way he could be freed of the spirit is if he died. The spirit can in fact show itself, but it could only come out of Wiz's mouth, not fully freed. Or it could also appear in his mind when he's either sleeping or passed out.

He was known as the "gifted" kid during his childhood, which caused him a crippling fear of failure.

The cursed book he found is a spell book, he still has it and has it really organized. (Ex: by alphabet, how powerful or deadly the spells are, as well as having a bunch of notes on the sides. He's a fucking nerd)

He doesn't like being attached to people, he's always afraid he might hurt them or disturb them because of his possession. He's also touch averse and touch starved.

Him and Noise used to be close when they were children. But then drifted apart as they aged, which causes them to fight a lot and get on each other's nerves.

Tldr: He's a loser and he's suffering /j (please actually read it im begging /hj)

[borderline-culture-is]

not a culture ask but looking for resources one- im a borderline and im trying to look into bipolar disorder, specifically the differences when it comes to mood and manic/depressive episodes

you see, I don't know much exactly of what bipolar disorder looks like (i dont trust pop culture's depictions too much), and what the true difference is when it comes to splitting in bpd compared to episodes in bd. I understand they're separate things, but don't fully understand how they are separate

I knew I saw a blog dedicated to those with both bd and bpd, but can't find it. I just want to know because even though I'm more inclined to just chalk everything up as "just bpd," it would be nice to understand more so it's within my consideration. the episodes I have I raise my brow at sometimes

If you don't have anything on bd vs bpd relating to the differences between splitting and episodes in bipolar disorder, then that's fine ^^ I just didn't know where to find anything so I figured I start somewhere

From what we know, bpd splits/episodes are

Shorter, usually a few days at most (with emptiness in between them

Usually shaped by conflict with ur relationships

More caused by trauma than genetics (brain chemistry can contribute though)

And bipolar episodes are

Longer, lasting from days to weeks on end

Mood between episodes are stable rather than empty

The effects can be a little more physiological from what I've read (ie; the lack of sleep, psychomotor agitation, pressured speech) or at least i think they're somewhat physiological?

Also, BPD splitting is moreso focused on one person or one group of people, while BP episodes are more general and are not focused on a person/group of people. Technically BPD splits could be considered BP episodes, but not all BP episodes are BPD splits.

We're not a professional, and i suggest taking this w 5 pounds of salt.

[atlasisrq]

omg transbipolar tips please? (if that's ok ofc!) if u do ty sooooo much (and no worries if not! ty anyway 4 being on tumblr :3)

hiii hello :33 heres some transbipolar tips from a cisBP II guything :D

general tips!!

track 👏 your👏 mood 👏!! i'd suggest one mood tracker for the moods/emotions you're actually experiencing (to track progress for example) (i use Daylio, it's great!) & one for the moods/episodes you want to experience! for BP specific moods (mainly depression/mania) i use Bipolar UK!

exaggerate your regular daily moods! if you've been in a good mood all day but suddenly feel a bit down play it up! i've gone from cruising in a very high mood (perhaps even bordering on hypomanic) to absolutely crashing for days because of one bad mood swing :P

hypomania & mania tips!!! (note: ive yet to experience a 100% manic episode, so i dont have as much personal experience there!)

hypomania: hypomania is characterized, for me, by very very high energy, high productivity (but never finishing anything), lots of inspiration & creative drive and feeling wayyy more social than usual!

also, completely losing track of my finances, needing less sleep (like. 2-3hrs & i feel well rested where i usually need 8-9,,), less need for food, almost no actual feelings of hunger (once in a month long ep i only ate One Piece Of Bread per day with the occasional (once a week max) pizza & was "fine") & being more open to drinking (and/or considering trying to get my hands on 'harder' stuff like psychedelics) where i usually straight up dont like alcohol!

i'd recommend going off of what's alr there for you; so if you notice you've been in a pretty good mood recently, say that's a hypomanic episode now! go out a lot (clubbing if you want to/can!), make efforts to meet new ppl & make friends, be very motivated & high energy and do everything (and i mean everything!) in excess (talk fast af & never stop talking, be restless and pace around, constanty occupy yourself w/ smth bcs otherwise you'll be understimulated af)

for mania: crank up everything about hypomania by about 300%. it's like there's a million bees inside your bones, you feel restless cant be still do a thousand things in a day, lose all sense of responsibility & become extremely reckless, either due to your extremely elevated mood or because of delusions or other psychotic symptoms.

oh yeah, psychosis! in a mixed ep i spent a day convinced i had somehow accidentally ingested alcohol (i hadnt)! intrusive thoughts, extreme anxiety around it, physical, olfactory & taste-based hallucinations around it, the whole package.

other BP based psychosis ive experienced: visual hallucinations (insects & spiders for me), jumbled & rapid thoughts (it felt different to adhd fast thoughts it was so weird lol)

see this article (link) for other psychotic symptoms during manic (or depressive!) episodes in pwBP!

i'd probably recommend "picking a theme" for delusions & halluciantions & the like, to make it easier to focus on them? tho i havent experienced psychosis enough to know if i have a 'theme' :P

depressive episodes!!

my least favorite (also, i feel like more things are known abt depression) (ALSO- i have seasonal affective disorder too which influences my BP episodes)

depressive episodes mean extreme lethargy for me. im tired 24/7 no matter how much sleep i get (& i'll be getting way more than usual. 10-12 hrs on average with the occasional 13 hrs 🥶).

very little movement. physical, mental, emotional, metaphyical. i often get stuck in bed, if not physically then mentally. spending my day anywhere but in my bed will feel weird & wrong. i will feel pretty numb/wont have access to my emotions anymore & often compltely stop thinking abt & processing my day-to-day life

^ this usually results in strong amnesia around depressive episodes but that might be a plural thing so. take it w a grain of salt lol

depressive episodes also make me self isolate as fuck. im talking forgoing my physical needs if theres a Chance i'll run into my roommate.

oh, yeah, also i just stop taking care of my basic physical as well as i do when balanced. i need to be starving to be able to get up & eat smth, & god forbid i want to actually cook smth rather than eating frozen pizza or eating out/ordering in

i also usually stop doing anything more creative than daydreaming (hashtag immersive daydreaming gang/silly) but even those are less immersive and less frequent. i'll be artblocked 24/7, have no inspiration or motivation and probably wont even miss drawing :P

& thats it! i hope you can find smth usefull in my rambling :3c /gen

and good luck & have fun with your transition!! you have my full support :D /gen