#i think i'd also include the mental health stuff

[iheartmoons]

who wants a jegulus fic inspired by heartstopper? except instead of becoming friends, reg initially dislikes james?

[ladyloveandjustice]

Mental Illness in Anime

I saw someone say Komi Can't Communicate is the only anime they've ever seen that talks about mental illness and that's kinda sad, so for you to not end in the same boat, I've decided to put together an overview of mental illness in anime, what I'd recommend, what comes with caveats, and so on.

It's a little nebulous what "talks about mental illness" means as lots of anime depict characters who are very obviously depressed, traumatized and even suicidal (suicide will be mentioned a lot in this list, so watch out for that), but don't directly name mental illness. It is very stigmatized in Japan, even moreso than many other countries, you don't see much talk about therapy and so on.

However, naturally there are many Japanese people who are mental health advocates, and I found an interview with Makoto Kageyama, a mental health awareness advocate who volunteered at Aokigahara forest. He points out anime he feels deal with mental illness. One we'll cover fully, many of them I haven't watched:

I think the most accurate and positive portrayals I got were actually from Kiriyama Rei (March Comes in Like a Lion), Naruse Jun (The Anthem of the Heart), Miyamura Miyako (ef: A Tale of Memories), Takeya Yuki (School-Live!) and Smile (Ping Pong: The Animation)

I'm super open to suggestions for additions, and might be adding them as reblogs and under the cut.

I'll also be making a post on mental illness in manga if this post does well, which I will link here when I post it.

So I'll start:

Anime that directly discusses mental illness:

March Comes in Like a Lion- not only is the main character one of the most accurate depictions of depression I've ever seen, it's the rare anime that actually talks about counseling, showing a traumatized character attending counseling and slowly getting back on her feet.

Orange--it...certainly is about mental illness, but it's a pretty mixed/problematic one because it seems to be confused by how mental illness works at times. It centers around a character who's suicidally depressed and his friend's efforts to save him after receiving a time travel message about his future suicide. It also does mention offhand that this character was supposed to go to therapy and is skipping out at one point. But yeah, how it handles it is...not always great. It kind of gives an impression that if you try hard enough you can "fix" someone's suicidal depression. With friendship. I guess. You have been warned.

I haven't watched it in a really long time, so it might even be worse than I remember. But I'm including it bc I definitely cried and felt parts of it were very relatable when I saw it way back when. so there's some resonant stuff there.

Monster: Kind of mixed, but it's definitely notable as an anime that not only has a psychiatrist as a major character, but also shows prominent characters going to therapy and getting better. Characters go to him for alcoholism, depression, PTSD (PTSD is not named but yeah it's definitely PTSD). At one point he helps a main character recover some repressed traumatic memories.

What makes it mixed is that while several heroes definitely are mentally ill in some way, the (complex) antagonist of the series also has some sort of mental health condition , and the story is often weirdly muddled about it. At one point they make it out like he has Dissociative Identity Disorder (calling it "split personality") but then he never shows any symptoms of that and it's kind of dropped and not bought up again. He does definitely have repressed traumatic memories though, so maybe that's all they were getting at but said it very badly.

A heroic character that actually seems to have Dissociative Identity Disorder and YMMV in how it's handled and how accurate it is. It's a "the other personality is violent" one, but rather than the other personality being evil, it's. a defense mechanism, and the violence is always in self defense or defense of others..

Sort of names the problem:

My New Boss is Goofy: One of the main characters is recovering from an abusive boss, and definitely has anxiety attacks and flashbacks as a result. This is directly named as "trauma" (though much like in the West where the loan word came from, anime characters use the words to refer to minor things that aren't mental illness too. But in this case it's treated very seriously). At any rate, the entire anime is about others helping the MC slowly recover with his new boss and friends showing immense compassion for his anxiety and other problems. Here's a good article going into it!

Anime that focuses on social anxiety:

I think what stands out about Komi is that it directly says she has a communication disorder, but tons of anime focus on characters with social anxiety, and even state what the problem is directly.

Bocchi the Rock- The girl with the social anxiety is the main character and not the bland self insert guy who has a crush on her?, amazing. it lets her be a mess too? whaaat. Yeah, Bocchi does say directly she has severe social anxiety, and the series is very relatable in how it explores that. There are a lot of gags about it, but in a knowing, sympathetic way. Her recovery is realistically slow, and sometimes she backslides. She talks directly about her social anxiety, using the term.

Tsuritama: MC's social anxiety is so bad he can have panic attacks when people talk to him...the attacks are also represented in this really interesting way where they have water come in to drown him.

My Roommate is a Cat: Man dealing with social anxiety slowly recovers with the help of his cat. It's cute. Here's an article going into it!

Anime that don't namedrop mental illness directly, but really resonates:

Natsume's Book of Friends: I wrote an entire article about how relatable it is to me and my mental illness, how it uses the characters seeing yokai as metaphor for mental ilness at times (Natsume was textually mistreated by so-called guardians who thought he "wasn't right in the head" and his grandmother was often called that too) but also Natsume shows a lot of textual symptoms of trauma (possibly PTSD), depression and so on, and they're explored very poignantly. Here is my article: “The Courage to Speak”: Mental illness and recovery in Natsume’s Book of Friends

Revolutionary Girl Utena: Probably one of the most poignant explorations of what it means to be depressed and traumatized as a teenage girl. Several moments with Utena herself resonate, starting with when she was a child and declares she doesn't want to go on living, Anthy is also...dealing with a lot, and it's powerful how the show goes into it.

Neon Genesis Evangelion-- Many characters in it show symptoms of mental illness. Though it isn't named as depression directly (i think?), but Shinji shows every symptom you can think of, and the director Anno has said that he was extremely depressed while making it and channeled a lot of that into the characters, and we definitely see his mental journey for the better very strongly reflected in the reboot.

Kyousougiga: One of the main characters is suicidally depressed (this one is graphic, because he commits suicide on screen...only it turns out he can't die), and his journey towards becoming okay with living is a focus and was very resonant to me.

She and Her Cat: A short anime about a girl who definitely has depression and how her cat helps her. Rather simplistic ending but it's good otherwise. CW animal death too, but in a very gentle way.

Haibane Renmei: It deals with suicidal depression and other mental health struggles in a pretty intense way, it's touching, but if you have triggers consider looking into it.

Fruits Basket: Truly a cocktail of mental illnesses among the cast. YMMV on how it's handled but some parts really resonate. These articles go into it:

The Always Smiling Girl: How Tohru critiques toxic positivity

“A Man Who Can Experience His Feelings”: Fruits Basket, toxic masculinity, and mental health

Colorful: This is a submission from Nickyenchilada from the notes of this post: "I would also recommend the movie/novel Colorful. I think YMMV on how it handles the central issue of suicide but I think it does portray how even kids can be thrust into very complex situations without necessary outlets for coping with them."

Vinland Saga: This was an addition I got from a discord conversation, the entire second season explore the main character's PTSD

Yuri on Ice- A conversation on discord reminded me that a lot of people read Yuri as having an anxiety disorder, which I can totally see!

A Silent Voice- a submission from @boku-no-anime-phase who says: "I think it deserves its own shout out! This movie is nuanced, gentle, beautifully told and brimming with hope. I love the fact that just like in real life, things don't resolve particularly easily; but the characters make important progress that's rewarding to watch. TW for suicide discussion, ideation and attempt".

Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai - From boku-no-anime-phase who says: "YMMV but there's an arc that deals with bullying and memory loss where a character who deals with those things is supported and encouraged through it".

My Happy Marriage - From boku-no-anime-phase who says: "also YMMV but I think there were some lovely moments in this where you can see Miyo beginning to heal from her trauma and abuse, and learn to trust."

Anime Feminist has a whole host of articles on mental health in anime and they're all here. It covers a lot of different anime I don't know about or didn't mention and offers a lot of cool perspectives, so check 'em out! Here's a few that stuck out to me:

Finding Inner Magic: Depression in The Ancient Magus’ Bride

(I don't like this anime's narrative due to the issue with the ending pointed out in this article, but it did have resonant moments of exploring depression).

How Clean Freak! Aoyama-kun compassionately handles mental illness

The Sound of Depression: Liminal spaces, sound design, and Super Cub

From Yandere Girlfriends to Social Anxiety: Handling mental illness in The Future Diary and A Silent Voice

Footnote on Hikikomori in anime:

Any anime that focuses on Hikikomori characters are dealing with characters that are mentally ill, as being so depressed/traumatized/agoraphobic/anxious you can't even leave your room or house is obviously not mentally healthy. But what really matters is how that’s handled and if these issues are explained, as Makoto Kageyama notes:

Usually, the most common issues I’ve seen covered is the “hikikomori phenomena” and light eating disorders. Basically, a bullied character that becomes a recluse out of social anxiety, but… The characters don’t usually get shown correctly, since their issues are not explained properly and basically it ends up with a “Hey, see? People are not that bad, we are your friends!” and “Yay, I have friends, I am cured and I can trust others again!” Which is not the case, because real hikikomori can take a lot of talk and patience to get them out and when they get back to normal society (if they do), they become very wary of others. And ironically, “hikikomori” has also been used as a “moe trait” in anime even though it’s a mental health issue.

One I saw a lot of people namedrop as handling it well when I googled around was Welcome to the NHK, though I haven't seen it. But, if you look at Nickyenchilada's take in the comments to this post, it's mentioned as being resonant and it's noted that the recovery is not an easy fix, and it's also noted that several characters in the story are mentally ill.

Bonus list:

Neurodiversity in Anime- (that don't namedrop mental illness directly, but really resonate)

I initially didn't include a neurodiversity section in this post because I honestly could not think of any anime that directly talks about neurodiversity or has a textually neurodivergent character.

(However, there are manga that actually do! I pointed some out in my Mental Illness and Neurodiversity in Manga post I did to complement this one!)

You can also read some articles about neurodiversity in anime here

And the list of characters that can simply be read as neurodivergent is huge, and if I tried to list every popular read it would be endless, plus I don't feel comfortable "diagnosing" any characters with developmental disorders I don't personally have. However, I am willing to take suggestions from others on this one, so here are a few!

Mob Psycho 100 - submitted by boku-no-anime-phase, who says " Mob is autistic and I will die on this hill; the trouble he has with fitting in, relating to others and knowing the right things to do imo stems directly from that."

Princess Jellyfish - submitted by boku-no-anime-phase, who says "I'd be willing to bet that all the women who live in that apartment are neurodivergent. They all have their special interests and they live together in mutual neurodivergent infodumping bliss and it's wonderful. (Unrelated but TW for sexual assault and some transphobia)"

Chihayafuru- submission by @noisepartythumpingmusic who says "It's never noted explicitly, but I firmly believe the main character of Chihayafuru has ADHD, which is perfect for a main character of a sports" josei. As someone who does have ADHD, I personally can totally see that read of Chihaya (the main character)!

Anti-recommendations (as in seems potentially resonant but then drop the ball hard, because if I listed all the anime that's blatantly gross about mental illness from the second the subject comes up we'd be here all day) (Dead Dove Do Not Eat)

Wonder Egg Priority: Starts out like it's going to be a nuanced exploration of recovering from abuse, suicidal depression, and so on, only to end up incredibly stupid and offensive. The writer also believes some stupid and misogynist things about "reasons" girls commit suicide. This article goes into it a little.

Your Lie In April: Depiction of depression and trauma is completely undermined by how all the characters tell the MC he needs to get over it because his talent for piano is more important, and the clumsy, gross take on forgiving your abuser, and so many other things. This article goes into it.

---

And that's it for now! Again. I might be updating this with new stuff based on feedback or me remembering something I missed, through both updates and adding stuff under the cut.

[washoping]

But the scars still linger

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Emily Prentiss x reader

summary: After taking it slow you and Emily are about to have sex for the first time but revealing all of you, including your self-harm scars that were the reason for taking things slow in the first place, turns out to be more panic-inducing than you expected. Luckily Emily is right there to show you how worthy you are.

tags: 18+, fluff and smut, comfort, talk about self-harm, scars, insecurities, panic attacks and mental health struggles in general, body worship, sex

f/f │ 5.2k words │ ao3

a/n: this has been up on my ao3 already but thought i’d post my writing here as well. writing these is like therapy to me but i wanted to share in case they could bring comfort to other people as well. all typos and mistakes are mine, english isn’t my first language. feel free to send requests, i'd love to write more <3

── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──

Emily’s kisses had this strange effect on you. Every time you two kissed since you started dating you felt like all of your worries disappeared the moment Emily’s lips touched yours. She made you feel safer than anyone else before. You had showed her more of your soul than any other person had ever seen and she wasn’t scared of what she had discovered. If anything, it was the total opposite - she was there for you and you couldn’t help but think you didn’t deserve her.

You had talked about your past, about what you’d been through in your life before her. You hadn’t shared even half of that stuff before. Emily knew of the darkness you could easily start slipping into when things got rough but she was right there by your side, ready to catch you before you started to slip. She knew of your struggles with your mental health and you two had made a pact to take things slow. It took you a while to trust people but trusting Emily had been easier than you thought. She made it easy.

You admired Emily’s patience, having very little of it yourself. She had told you multiple times that she would wait for you forever because ”you were worth it”, but you found that hard to believe. You didn’t feel worthy.

That’s why it was so difficult for you to believe that this moment right now was happening. You had never felt this close to anyone before - in fact you had never let anyone this close prior to this. Being this vulnerable was new to you but you knew you’d do anything for Emily.

Emily was kissing you, making your poor heart pound loudly in your chest as if its' only task was to remind you of all the anxiety bubbling inside of you instead of excitement. Emily’s lips were on yours but they weren’t having their usual effect of forgetting about the world on you because you had gone further than before.

Your kisses were more passionate than before now, initiated by you. Emily had sensed it and her hands were travelling all over your clothed body, stroking your upper arms, your sides, your back. Her touch sent shivers down your spine. You found the growing passion between you two thrilling but also terrifying at the same time. When it came to letting people close to you it wasn’t only the mental part of it that you hadn’t done. You had also never let anyone physically this close.

As your kisses got hungrier and hungrier you started to struggle with staying present. Your mind started racing, feeding you all kinds of insecurities to dwell on. Stupid mind.

Emily’s fingers trailed down from your shoulders to your upper arms, then further down your arms. It felt like they left a trail of fire in their wake as they went. You pulled away from the kiss and found yourself unwillingly holding your breath when Emily’s fingers came to your wrists. Her fingers and your skin had the fabric of your long sleeve shirt between them, but it might as well have been nothing because as soon as you felt her touch on your wrist, you flinched in panic and pulled your arm to your side.

No, no, no. You blamed yourself for forgetting about the mess of a person you were for a while and letting things get this far. Damn Emily and her kisses that made you lose all common sense. You felt bad for her, for having to deal with someone like you.

You looked into her eyes, finding hers looking at you with confusion and concern. She was so beautiful. People like you were never meant to be with people like her. She was way too good. You weren’t worthy. Of anyone, you thought, but especially of someone like Emily.

”Hey… what is it?” she asked softly with such understanding you couldn’t fathom it. Her voice was like a soothing balm to your anxiety that was filling your body, making you freeze in spot.

Your throat was suddenly dry and you couldn’t think of what to say. You swallowed hard, trying to come up with something that would make this moment pass quicker.

”It’s nothing”, you lied and hoped Emily would let it go, but it was a stupid thing to do because deep down you knew she would see right through you right away. She profiled people for a living after all. There had also been numerous times that you had been surprised of how it seemed like she knew you better than you knew yourself.

You looked away, trying to escape Emily’s eyes. You couldn’t face the kindness in them. You felt like you didn’t deserve to be treated with kindness after hiding something like this from her for so long. You didn’t even know how you had managed to hide it for so long, but it didn’t matter anymore because you felt Emily’s fingers gently lifting your chin, forcing you to look at her.

”Hey, I can see it’s not nothing”, she whispered, seeing right through you. ”Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Her words made tears well up in your eyes. It was like the weight of your secret was pressing down on your lungs, making it impossible for you to take a deep breath in to calm yourself the way you wanted to. You nodded, still trying your best to hide your panicking.

”Promise not to judge me, Emily…” you said quietly, not really sure if you meant to even say it out loud but Emily had clearly heard it because her brows furrowed in concern as she nodded quickly.

”I would never judge you”, she reassured you.

Without saying anything else you started rolling your sleeves up slowly, revealing the faded scars starting from your wrist, travelling up your arm. You had no idea how you had managed to hide this part of yourself from Emily for all this time you had been together. Long sleeves - obviously. But when she had stroked your arms to show you affection, or touched your thigh to comfort you in a crowded place, or when her leg had brushed against your ankle when cuddling… you had managed to ignore it and hiding had gone well until tonight. Tonight it had ended up being too much.

The room seemed to grow quieter and the air heavier, making it even more difficult for you to breathe properly as Emily took in the sight in front of her. You had never enjoyed complete silence because it made your anxious mind race but bearing this silence was on a whole another level. When you finally dared to look at Emily the look on her face broke your heart.

The silence continued as you watched her reaching out, her touch being feather-light as she traced along the white lines on your skin, some raised, some not. You almost couldn’t take it.

You hated them. Your scars. You had been clean for a good while now and harming yourself, at least the way you had done before, wasn’t a thought that crossed your mind as easily anymore. But back then it had been your primary coping mechanism, a really bad one - you were aware of that. You were prone to having coping mechanisms that in the end didn’t help you cope, but actually made things worse. Cutting had been the worst one.

It would’ve been easier to forget about that horrible phase of your life even existing if there weren’t these neatly placed scars on your left wrist, your upper thighs and ankles, reminding you of how badly you had once wanted to leave this place.

And now you were looking at the one thing in this place that made you want to stay, and seeing her looking at your scars felt worse than any of the pain you had ever inflicted on yourself. This was worse than any of it.

”Why didn’t you tell me before?” Emily finally asked, her voice breaking slightly as she looked up at you.

You shrugged your shoulders, trying to hold back the tears in the corners of your eyes. You felt so exposed, showing these parts of yourself to another human for the first time ever.

”I was scared. I didn’t want you to think less of me. To doubt my sanity or abilities or anything like that”, you explained, voicing out your fears to Emily. She nodded, understanding what you meant right away. You noticed her eyes filling with tears just like yours the moment they met yours and it stung your heart to see it happen because of something you did. ”And I already have a hard time looking at myself… my scars, my body in general. I…” you continued but Emily interrupted you.

”C’mere”, she mumbled and gently pulled your arm to bring you closer to her. She wrapped her arms around you, enclosing you into a tight embrace that brought you more comfort than you dared to even admit to yourself. You needed this. You were against her chest and she stroked your back gently, making you feel so appreciated and loved.

”I would never judge you, I hope I can make you believe that somehow”, she whispered while hugging you. Her hand was stroking your back soothingly, a gesture that told you everything was going to be okay. ”I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that alone. But I’m here now and you don’t have to face it alone anymore, if you just let me be there for you. I want to be.”

In Emily’s arms everything felt okay. Her words felt like a warm blanket wrapped around you, but doubt still gnawed at your heart, your past experiences hanging around you like ghosts.

”Why are you so kind to me, Emily?” you whispered, your voice barely audible because half of your words were muted by Emily’s shirt you were pressed against. ”Why would you want to be with someone like me? I’m… I’m broken, Em. I don’t deserve you.”

Emily broke your embrace for a bit to pull back slightly. She wanted to do it to look into your eyes, but her hands still stayed on your shoulders because she knew you’d appreciate the contact. When your eyes met you couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. You felt them falling from your eyes and Emily wiped them away immediately, not wasting a second letting the tears stain your cheeks.

”Don’t you dare say that”, she said, her voice firm but only because of how much she cared. ”You’re not broken. You’ve been hurt, yes, but you’re so strong and beautiful and incredibly deserving of love. We’re all broken. We all have scars. We all have stuff we’ve went through and survived and it doesn’t make us any less capable or worthy. And you, my love… you deserve so much, baby.”

Emily’s words hit you hard. Looking into her eyes as she told you all of that made you realize you had never heard words like hers from anyone else in your life before this. You shook your head, your tears flowing freely now.

”It’s just so hard to believe that”, you admitted, your voice cracking. You looked at Emily who was fighting back tears. ”I’ve felt worthless for so long.”

Emily cupped your face in her hands, both of her thumbs gently wiping away your tears.

”I know it’s hard”, she said so extremely softly. ”But I’ll be here, every step of the way. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to do this alone.”

You tried to nod and take a deep breath but it came out shaky and uneven. You were trembling.

”Emily, I… I feel like I’m about to fall apart”, you managed to admit before trying to take another deep breath and failing again. Your chest started to tighten with the familiar sensation of a panic attack that was about to hit you. ”I’m scared”, you whispered through your tears.

Emily’s hold on you tightened and she reminded you of her presence by stroking your upper arms. She walked you to the bed, trying her best to ground you. She knew your bed was where you felt the safest, it was your comfort place. She guided you there and sat you down, kneeling on the floor in front of you. Her hands were stroking your thighs up and down, her touch a reminder that you were here.

”Breathe with me, honey. Can you do that for me?” she whispered, her own breath steady and calm. Without being able to look her in the eyes you tried to mimic her breathing, hoping it would help you calm down too. Emily saw you concentrating as well as you could and she whispered sweet praises to you the whole time.

”In and out… just like that. You’re safe with me. Everything is okay, just focus on my voice.”

And you did. You listened to Emily’s soothing voice while you searched for her hand to hold. She grabbed your hand the moment she realized what you were trying to do. You clung to her, your whole body still trembling. Despite the awkward position with her sitting on the floor she held you, stroking your back, giving you all the time in the world to just breathe.

”That’s it”, she murmured against your hair. ”You’re doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.”

Some minutes passed, though it felt like an eternity, before you felt the weight on your chest lifting. It felt a bit easier to breathe again and when you pulled yourself out of Emily’s arms you saw her flashing you an encouraging smile.

”Thank you”, you whispered and wiped a tear away from your cheek, smiling a little. You didn’t know how to thank Emily enough for being there for you. ”You’re so good to me.”

”Because I love you”, she replied right away with zero hesitation. ”I love you more than you can imagine. And I believe in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself. You’re worth it, every bit of it.”

Her words pierced through the fog of self-doubt that had been shadowing you for years. They brought you a glimmer of light into the darkness that had enveloped you for so long. Maybe, just maybe, with Emily by your side you could start to heal. With her love and support it seemed like anything was possible.

”I’ll try”, you whispered. Your voice was still shaky but there was a layer of newfound hope in it. ”I’ll try my best to believe.”

Emily’s eyes glimmered with unshed tears.

”That’s all I ask, darling. One day at a time, together”, she said and tightened her grip on your hand. You looked down at your intertwined fingers and how Emily’s thumb drew patterns on top of your palm. It was so soft, so soothing.

”Emily… I need… I need to feel close to you. To know this is real”, you confessed with your voice trembling out of vulnerability.

Emily’s eyes softened again and she pushed herself up on her knees to reach you better. She wrapped her arms loosely around your neck and pressed a tender kiss on your lips that were still a bit moist and salty from your tears.

”I’m here”, she whispered against your mouth. ”I’m right here, my love.”

Her hands moved to your shoulders, to your sides. They started roaming over your body, not in a demanding way but more like an offering of comfort and intimacy. She knew that was what you were silently asking for. You responded to Emily’s kiss, letting it grow more urgent, seeking solace in her familiar touch. The atmosphere in the room changed into desperation, it was like you couldn’t get enough of her touch. It was the only thing that could ground you right now.

Emily’s fingers brushed against your scars again. You noticed you had totally forgotten about them. Even though her touching them now was sudden, you didn’t flinch this time. You didn’t pull away. Instead you let her touch you, to soothe the scars with the softness of her fingertips. You both looked down at the lines scattered on your arm for a bit before Emily caught you and distracted you with another kiss.

Then she stood up, pushing you gently down to the bed. She helped you lie down in front of her and when you noticed the hungry gaze she looked at you with, it made your heart race. Emily was all you had ever dreamed of and you couldn’t believe you had the privilege to call her yours.

Her eyes never left yours as she moved above you to straddle your hips. Her eyes were filled with love so profound that the whole moment felt more important than anything else had ever felt before.

”You are everything to me”, Emily whispered, her voice thick with emotion while she started pressing tiny kisses all over your neck, making goosebumps appear on your warm skin. ”Let me show you just how much you mean to me.”

Her hands continued exploring your body with tenderness that took your breath away. Her lips followed the traces her fingers drew. Her movements were directed by her need to make you feel adored. Each kiss, each caress, each tiny little movement she made was a silent promise of her love and support. You clung to her, afraid to let go in case she somehow disappeared out of your reach.

When you felt Emily’s hands slipping underneath your shirt you felt a warmth spread through your body. You sighed into the slow kiss Emily was teasing you with while grazing your soft skin with her fingertips. You could feel her smile while kissing you and it melted your heart. It was so easy to forget about the rest of the world even existing.

Emily was too slow for your liking with your shirt. You couldn’t wait to get it off and feel her skin properly against yours, without any fabric in between. You had been longing for this, absolutely yearning, so it felt like your skin was burning out of pure lust for the woman on your lap.

”Take it off”, you mumbled against her lips and she let out a chuckle. She grabbed the hem of your shirt and pulled it off. She couldn’t help but stroke the soft skin on your shoulders. She placed a small kiss there, and then on the other shoulder. On your collarbones, then on top of your breasts that were covered by a simple black bra. ”God… just undress me, Em.”

And she complied. She didn’t waste any time getting rid of the rest of your clothes and easing out of her own in the process as well. Both of you were left in just your underwear and you couldn’t help but steal glances of Emily’s body. You noticed she had her own scars and marks as well and suddenly everything she had said earlier made total sense. Your fingers traced a protruding scar on her abdomen and she put her hand on top of yours gently, to show you it was okay. It was part of her. Maybe the pain never truly went away but it was possible to live with it. Maybe you’d learn to live with your scars too.

Emily’s lips crashed against yours again and she gently pressed her whole body against yours, lying on top of you. You loved the feeling of being trapped between her and the mattress, the pressure made you feel safe.

She took a break from kissing you and just looked into your eyes, making sure you were feeling alright. She didn’t need to ask. You nodded, letting her know she had your consent and she answered with a small smile.

You were so mesmerised by how the light hit her deep brown eyes that you only noticed Emily’s hand sneaking down between your legs when an involuntarily moan escaped your mouth. She touched you through your underwear, finding the fabric damp already - which wasn’t a big surprise. It amused her, you could tell by the smirk on her face.

”You’re so pretty when you’re this needy for me”, she teased you in between kisses and started drawing circles with her fingers through your panties. Your hips tried to buckle up but the way she was lying on top of you made it difficult for you to move too much.

She stopped for a short while to ease you out of your bra. With one swift motion she slid her hand behind your back and undid the clasp, then pulling the bra off and throwing it on the floor. You felt a bit self-conscious, you couldn’t hide it. You and Emily had shared so much, seen so much of each other, but this was new. You were almost completely bare, emotionally and physically.

Emily could sense the nervousness in you. She grabbed one of your boobs softly, kneading it in her hand while lowering her head and taking the other’s nipple in her mouth. Your back arched as you watched her and felt her teasing the quickly hardening bud between her lips. You grabbed her head with your hands, your fingers getting lost in her silky black hair. A quick look at you before she swapped to the other nipple and she closed her eyes while giving it the same attention as the first one. You adored the sight in front of you, how your skin glistened with wetness Emily’s mouth left behind.

”Your boobs are perfect”, she stated when she opened her eyes to look up at you. You cradled her face in your hands, finding it difficult to believe her. You tried to, but saying something self-deprecating was your initial reaction.

”I don’t real-”, you managed to start before Emily stopped you right away.

”Shhh…” she shushed you and quickly came up to shut you up with a little kiss. ”None of that, okay? Not on my watch.”

You nodded, trying your best to just focus on Emily and this moment. Your mind was trying to take you elsewhere but it was stopped when Emily took her bra off. She didn’t give you a chance to pay much attention on her boobs before she lowered herself on your body so that she was situated between your legs on her stomach. She looked at you hungrily, inhaling your scent.

”Oh god”, you whispered under your breath when you felt her knuckles brush ever so slightly up and down your slit through your panties. You had never felt this turned on before and you were sure Emily could see it from the way your body reacted to her.

”Such a pretty girl… and all mine. I’m so lucky”, she whispered, blowing air against you on purpose. You writhed on the bed, desperate for her to just touch you properly already. She still dared to tease you by kissing you through your panties for a while until she decided it was time to help you out of them. She undressed you and then took a good look at you, admiring you with her eyes.

You felt shy and felt a blush creeping on your cheeks immediately.

And then she suddenly came up and sat against the headboard of the bed. She pat the spot in between her legs, motioning for you to sit there.

”Lean your back to my chest”, she told you and you did. You two fit like puzzle pieces when you leaned back. When your back was pressed against her you could feel her breasts pressing against your skin. You wanted to touch them, to suck on them, but Emily’s mind was clearly set on bringing you satisfaction instead.

Her arms wrapped around you and you loved how being so close to her felt like. It was pure bliss, the way her hands started travelling down your body and how they ended up caressing your pussy gently. You saw how her fingers glistened with your wetness as they teased you carefully, not touching your clit just yet. With your head leaning on her shoulder she placed a soft kiss on your cheek.

You inhaled sharply and your body jerked a bit when Emily’s fingers finally brushed over your clit. It felt better than any of the times you had done this to yourself before. You closed your eyes, letting Emily guide you through this, giving yourself and all of your trust to her completely.

”Is it okay if I slip a finger inside you?” you heard her asking and saying no didn’t even cross your mind. You nodded yes and heard Emily letting out a deep chuckle. Her voice so close to your ear made you shiver.

And then you felt her entering you, slowly and gently. She knew you could take it. You could hear how wet you were when she started moving her finger in and out of you in a slow rhythm. Her free hand found your breast and grabbed it, holding it like her life depended on it.

”More… another…” you breathed out and even though you didn’t see it you could’ve sworn Emily had a smug smile on her face.

”Another what, baby?” Emily teased you, whispering into your ear as she watched you writhe underneath her touch. You tried to move your hips to make her go deeper and to tell her what you needed, but Emily wouldn’t budge. ”I need you to speak up for me.”

”I need another finger, Emily please”, you finally begged and you could tell it amused Emily because as soon as the words had come out of your mouth she added another finger, and soon after a third one. You felt her fingers filling you and you couldn’t help but moan when she picked up the pace.

”God, you’re so soft…” she whispered into your ear and you turned your head, desperately needing to kiss her lips. You got completely lost in the kiss, moaning and whimpering as Emily’s fingers worked their magic. You couldn’t believe you had gone this long without this.

You felt Emily’s other hand squeezing your boob again, then wrapping tightly around your waist to pull you close to her. She noticed your legs starting to tremble a bit when you got closer to an orgasm so she put her legs over yours, locking you in place, making it impossible for you to close your thighs. You moaned her name in frustration, wanting to move your body purely just because all of this felt so good, but you weren’t able to. Your hands grabbed her arms when her hand found your clit.

”Fuck, fuck, fuck…” you cursed under your breath when you felt Emily fingering you and rubbing your clit at the same time, making your body spasm. You didn’t even realize how tight you squeezed her arms but she didn’t seem to mind, quite the contrary actually - it seemed to fire her up even more and she picked up her pace. As a result your thighs tried to close but she forced them to stay open with her legs. You wriggled in her grasp and groaned, no longer capable of controlling the sounds leaving your mouth. You were somewhere completely else.

”Come for me, my pretty girl”, you heard Emily say right next to your ear with a deep but sweet commanding tone. With that tone it was so easy for Emily to make you do whatever she asked for. You’d obey.

She started planting kisses all over your neck, the side of your face, your shoulder. You knew you wouldn’t last long feeling the combination of her fucking you recklessly and being so sweet with her kisses at the same time. Your hand flew to hers, grabbing it while she was playing with your clit and you squeezed it tight.

”I’m gonna…” you could get out of your mouth but Emily knew already that you were about to reach your peak. She was so good at noticing every tiniest sign from your body that showed you were close. She continued her steady pace of fucking you, not giving you any mercy. She saw your eyes closing in the midst of all the pleasure.

”No… no, baby. Look at me. Don’t close your eyes, I want to see you when you come. Please”, she said and used the same tone as before, knowing you couldn’t resist. You opened your eyes and looked into Emily’s big brown ones right when your orgasm hit you. Her eyes were full of love, her gaze not leaving you for one second while your body shook uncontrollably in her arms. She kept you afloat as you were taken over by your orgasm, repeating Emily’s name over and over again without even realizing it.

She smiled, slowing down the movement of her hands and fingers to let you calm from your high. You held on to her, trying to catch your breath.

Her hand that was on your clit moved to rest gently on your stomach while the fingers of her other hand stayed inside you, barely moving. You fell limp against Emily, feeling your skin sticking to hers. You loved being this close to her, feeling her heartbeat against your skin. She kissed your temple while you tried to calm down after what you could only describe as the best orgasm of your life. You felt so safe in her arms. You didn’t want this to ever end.

When Emily was about to pull her fingers out of you, your hand flew to her wrist to stop her. You didn’t want her to do so just yet. You couldn’t bear the thought of feeling empty so quickly after being filled up by her.

”Stay inside me for a bit more, please?”

”Of course, my love”, Emily answered sweetly, keeping her fingers inside you. You closed your eyes, sighing contently. This time Emily let you close your eyes - but she couldn’t help but reach to kiss your lips when she saw the peaceful look on your face. It was so serene compared to before when you were revealing your scars to her. The panic was gone and she adored the calmness she saw now. She kissed you softly, channeling all her admiration towards you in the kiss.

She gasped when she tasted a salty tear, quickly noticing that it had fallen from your eye down your cheek. She grabbed your cheek with her free hand and you nuzzled into it.

”Are you okay?” Emily asked while drying your tears with her thumb and continuing to stroke your cheek with a soft touch. You nodded and kissed her hand, making her eyes threaten to water too after the sweet gesture. You had never felt so loved before.

”Thank you for being there for me”, you said, your voice breaking a little as you thought about all the ways Emily had shown you how much she cares. You took her hand in yours and smiled when you felt her intertwining your fingers. You wished she’d never let go. You knew you wouldn’t.

”Always.”

[promptsbytaurie]

anything with wing clipping. i once tried to do research on it for a fic and,, it is SO angsty

i got u fam <333 (i have way too much brainrot on this bear with me LMAO)

tips for writing ✨wingfics✨

!!please credit/tag me if you use this!! i'd love to see what you write!!

physical differences:

area where wings connect to their back is insanely sensitive!!

feathers falling e v e r y w h e r e

wings are big!! if the wearer hasn't had them for long, or is younger/inexperienced, they're gonna knock shit over

~birb noises~

they're actually really good singers with insane lung capacity, a lot of them are/could be opera singers

thin bones, so they're super light and even though most think it's embarrassing to be picked up so easily there's always One Dude who's like 'carry me everywhere'

smaller birds = smaller people. most wings correspond to a specific species, and hummingbird varieties are notoriously short (though never say that to their face, they will probably murder you <3)

unless the avian is a kind of waterbird (penguins, sometimes eagles) going into water will clog their wings and they could drown!! adding onto this i imagine that avians have special bathtubs and brushes and stuff so that they can properly clean their wings

on the flip side if an avian does NOT clean their wings they can get tangled or matted which a) is super painful b) could impact their flying and c) could cause sickness !!

dislocated wings >:(( this happens about as often as dislocated shoulders do with regular people. this can be caused by a couple things like blunt force, trying to manuever/twist wings in ways they aren't supposed to go, or flying too often/straining wings.

psychological differences:

preening!! it's intimate, but doesn't have to be romantic/sexual. obv there is room for very fluffy and romantic moments but it can be either way

flock!!! it's kinda like a family or a pack

the urge to Make a Nest and Only Let the Flock In

once the Flock is In the Nest then the Flock Will Not Leave Ever

molting!! old feathers fall out to allow new ones to grow in !

molting is basically the bird version of a period except all birds have it once or twice a year. they're more emotional, super sensitive, and extra clingy during molting!!

if an avian gives you one of their feathers it's basically a version of marriage, except it doesnt have to be romantic. its essentially a promise, like a 'we're with each other forever' kinda thing.

just as humans have discrimination, i imagine that avians have it too. more common species like songbirds, ravens, or crows are probably valued in society way less than those like eagles, doves, or parrots, and there could also be stereotypes against species like vultures or condors.

on wing clipping:

in my mind wing clipping is a lot like trimming your fingernails realllly sloppily, except the difference is that you should NEVER clip an avian's wings.

what i mean by fingernails is that the nails themselves don't hurt but if you do it sloppily there are Consequences: clipped too short -> irritated skin. clipped inconsistently -> sharp edges, snags on everything INCLUDING other feathers

huge violation of boundaries/self!! clipped wings -> can't fly. flying is integral to avian health and if they can't fly their mood and mental health will fall drastically.

clipped feathers take a long time to grow back, and therefore clipping has long-term effects. it also damages the feathers themselves (obviously) in ways that sometimes can't be healed

if an avian's wings are clipped their trust goes DOWN and their insecurity goes UP. its likely that if someone else tries to touch their wings they will freak out

clipped wings also make avians more jumpy and paranoid because they've lost their major way to escape/protect themselves: flying away.

angst potentials in wingfics (spoiler: there's a lot):

like i said, clipped wings -> can't fly. write about an avian's first time flying again. (not super angsty but still)

SUPER angsty: write about the actual act of wing clipping.

an avian is neglecting their wing care and tries to hide it.

relationship between a 'noble' avian (eagle, dove, etc) and a 'basic' avian (crow, raven, etc) and society's dislike of the relationship.

or maybe avians are a minority in a human world, and an avian has to hide their wings to be safe.

hope this helped!! <33

[fictoculus]

hi! i was wondering if you could do wanderer, tighnari, childe, heizou, and maybe thoma with a reader who suffers from like severe depression? like they have no motivation to do anything and they’re always tired and sad and all of that depression stuff (i put that really mildly but i think you get my gist). and maybe if possible could you include that like, the reader is always helping other people and never helps themself because they don’t think they deserve it?

i’m sorry if this is too heavy a request. no pressure and no worries if you don’t want to do it!

౨ৎ no matter how alone you feel, i am always here...

send a request!┊masterlist┊taglist applications

FEAT... wanderer/kuni, tighnari, childe, heizou

A/N... hellooo, thank you so much for this request, i'd be more than happy to write this for you! i'm so sorry but i had to remove thoma from the mix as i couldn't come up with any ideas for himmm. also also i apologise if childe's section is super ooc, i really struggle writing for him, but this is good practice! i did include other mental health related topics that can link to depression as i wanted to try and connect with as many people as possible. this does not mean i expect you to be suffering from those things, and in no way do you have to in order to be suffering from depression. if you are, that's ok too ♡

WARNINGS... self harm (heizou), depression, injury, home-neglect/"depression home" (childe), suicidal thoughts (tighnari), references to derealisation (wanderer/kuni), swearing

✧ wanderer.

♪ wanderer, can be harsh, and has proven to have quite the tough exterior. that doesn't mean he loves you any less. and so, when he found out how you'd really been feeling, and that you'd been having to put up with it alone? he was absolutely heartbroken.

♪ you had forced yourself to get out of bed that morning, feeling almost limp as you stumbled down the stairs. nothing felt real. nothing felt like it mattered.

"morni- are you ok?" tear stains ran down your cheeks, your eyelashes still damp and your eyes bloodshot. the tip of your nose was a soft shade of pink, and the colour of your lips was slightly more vibrant than usual. "have you been crying?"

♪ it would have been one of the only times his shell completely shattered, leaving his interior exposed as he cried; not for you, but with you. the two of you wouldn't have said a word, but instead just sat wrapped around each other, in silence.

♪ with anyone else, he would've been embarrassed. being seen crying was not something many would expect of the wanderer; but it was you. you were hurting, you needed him, and so he wasn't afraid to be vulnerable around you if that's what it takes.

"shhhh, i know, i know... i'm sorry" wanderer, or kuni as you call him, was cradling you in his arms, rocking from side to side and burying his face in your hair. he was trying his best to keep himself together, using your scent to ground himself. "stop- please" tears threatened to spill as you broke apart right in front of him, squirming in his arms, but he refused to let you go. his grip only tightened, pulling your back further into him until you finally stopped thrashing, only to break down into tears. you felt him tremble against your back, his arms shaking slightly as his own tears began to dampen your hair.

♪ he'd known something was off about you, but he had confidence in your strength, you're one of the strongest people he's ever known, after all; but he often fails to realise that everyone can be weak sometimes, and that is one of the beauties of life.

♪ leaving you to handle things alone seemed like the best solution to wanderer; your mind needed the time to rest, to give itself a kickstart and power on like usual... but, oh, how he was wrong.

♪ probably the last thing you needed was to be alone, whether you knew it or not. you needed him; his voice, his gentle touch, his loving kisses, his words - however harsh they may sometimes be.

"it's hard work loving me, isn't it? you... you don't deserve to have to live like this, kuni" "don't say that, it's all work worth doing... you deserve the world, [name], and so much more, more than i could ever give you, got that?" his words carry meaning, so much more than a poem, a song, a kiss. they're unwavering, deeply engraved into the forefront of your mind the moment they slip from his lips. "i'll do this a hundred times if i have to, i don't care. i will still love you all the same, ok? i know i don't say it a lot, but nothing can ever change that, and that's a fact."

♪ he'd hug you until the sun goes down, taking your hand in his own and slowly guiding you to the bedroom once the time to rest arose. physical touch is a love language of his, since he often struggles with his words, and so he cuddled you through the night, instinctively squeezing you just a little tighter than usual.

"i will never leave you, [name]... no matter how alone you feel, i am always here"

✧ tighnari.

♪ tighnari has been out on a trip to aaru village for a few days now - planning to observe how different species of plants grow in different climates - leaving you alone in gandharva ville to watch over collei while he's gone. you do love collei, but sometimes she can be... a bit hard to handle; often getting herself into trouble. it's a lot to deal with, especially with that peculiar numbness which has been dragging you down for weeks now...

♪ unexpectedly, your lover had come home early from his trip; there had been some sort of 'incident' in aaru village which was to remain confidential, even tighnari didn't know the details.

♪ he'd half expected to find you in the kitchen, having lunch with collei, or perhaps reading that book you were obsessed with (which now fails to peak your interest), but instead he finds you curled up in bed, trembling.

"love?" "... nari? y- you're back?" you replied, your voice woven with surprise yet you couldn't bring yourself to show him your face.

♪ concerned, he sat on the edge of the bed, positioning himself so that he was facing the lump which he assumed was you. you shuffled, the sheets rustling as you tried to get closer to him, finding his presence alone comforting.

"are you ok, darling?" "hm? yeah, yeah i'm- i'm ok, i'm good" "would you look at me? i haven't seen you in so long, i want to see the beautiful face of yours"

♪ smart, that's what he was, smart and cunning. he already knew you were crying the moment he stepped into this house, his sensitive ears picking up your sniffles and broken sobs. he wanted to comfort you, to be there for you, maybe (definetely) even hold you, but how was he meant to if you hide yourself away from him?

♪ reluctantly, you turned to face him, showing him your teary eyes but hiding the rest of your face under the bed covers. he reached out and pulled them away from you, leaning down to kiss your nose softly and giving you a weak smile. a couple tears began to fall down your cheeks, but he kissed them away too, trying his bst to show just how much he loves you

"what's the matter, hun? what's been bothering you?" you take a deep breath; this is it, your chance, your chance to tell him everything, to finally confide in him. "things have been hard you know... having to take care of collei, running errands, just- everything, all while having this aching numbness in my chest..." "numbness? love, what do you mean?" "i don't know... it sounds silly i-" he jumps to interrupt you, to reassure you and show how patient he's willing to be with you. he never wants you to dismiss your feelings; he takes your wellbeing very seriously. "no, no it really doesn't, i'm just trying to wrap my head around everything that's all" "are you sure? we don't have to talk about it if-" "no, darling, i'm sure" "ok, well... it's just been lonely, and it's really hurting... i just wish everything would end"

♪ tighnari felt his heart shatter in that moment; you wanted it to end? the love of his life, the one most precious to him, has gotten to the point where they want to completely give up, and it breaks him.

♪ he slowly lowers himself down on top of you, wrapping his arms around you waist and rolling the two of you over so that you were ontop of him, cradling you in his arms and - unbeknownst to you - silently crying with you.

♪ the two of you just lay there in eachothers arms, refusing to let go of the other, tangled together under the covers. it must have been a couple hours before tighnari broke the silence, deciding that you'd had long enough to reflect and attempt to calm yourself down.

"[name], listen to me... no matter how alone you feel, i am always here, ok? i love you so much, and i'm sorry you've had to go through this alone. i will help you, i'm fighting with you now""you don't have to promise me anything, just... please consider coming to me whenever you're thinking like this, ok?" "i will, thank you, nari... i love you"

✧ childe.

♪ both you and childe have a fairly packed schedule, running around liyue day in day out to keep people happy. your beloved seems almost completely unaffected, getting riled up at pesky customers being the worst of his worries, you - on the other hand - had an entirely different load.

♪ due to the fact that the two of you were so busy, you rarely got to see eachother, maybe brushing by eachother but only being able to share a kiss before one of you got dragged off to more business. so, you always made sure to make time for eachother, clearing out at least two days on your calendar (typically wednesdays and saturdays) to spend together, telling the other all the exciting or nerve-wracking things you had encountered in the week

♪ however, what childe doesn't know is that you'd been off the job for almost a month now, spending your days in your own home, stuck in bed despite the voice deep in the back of your mind willing you to get up...

"honey, you home? you kept me waiting you know..." no response... little did he know, you were cursing under your breath; it's wednesday. you paced your room in panic before stopping in front of the mirror, gripping at your hair when you saw your reflection. you practically slammed yourself forward, hands now on the mirror as you traced your reflection's 'imperfections'. you were completely lost in your own head, too lost, in fact, to notice you were the only thing keeping the mirror from crashing down, the already loose screws falling to the floor as soon as you applied pressure. "fuck!!" you yelled, the glass shattering all over your floor, luckily not digging into your skin, but you didn't come out completely unscathed, a couple scratches ;iterring your hands and legs. "love? [name]?! open the door! are you ok?!" he shouts, pounding on your front door, the entirety of liyue must have been able to hear him. "don't come in!! please, just wait, i'll be right there! i'm ok! just please-"

♪ without waiting another moment and completely dismissing your pleas - due to pure concern - he unlocks your door with the key you gave him, walking into your apartment but finding it almost unrecognisable. it was a mess; clothes strewn across the floor, garbage piling up on the kitchen table and beside your bedroom door.

"[name]? hun, what's going on?" you could hear the concern weighing his voice down, it becoming lower and scratchier as he approaches your bedroom. "ah- i told you not to come in!"

♪ he pushes your door open, only to freeze in the doorway when he caught sight of you, greasy hair tangled into a nest-like structure, dark circles making your eyes pop.

"holy shit!! what in teyvat happened? are- are you ok!?" his eyes are wide, hands shaking as he approaches you slowly, holding your shoulders as he scanned you up and down. "archons, what happened... love, is there something going on? is someone hurting you? has someone done something? talk to me! please i just-"

♪ the whole situation was more than just overwhelming; being stood in a ring of shattered glass, exhausted, embarassed, the whole package.

♪ naturally, you began to tear up, lowering yourself down until your were squatting, holding your head in you hands and sobbing, all while childe stood and watched; he didn't know what to do.

♪ he'd never seen you like this before, so vulnerable, so afraid, so hurt; and it hurt him too. carefully, he swept away the glass with his foot, creating a path for you to 'escape' safely and into his arms, which you did; slamming yourself into him and burying your face in his chest.

"i- i'm sorry, i'm so sorry i forgot and- and my place is a mess and i'm- i'm a mess and, archons- childe... childe, i'm falling apart" "shhhh, you're ok, i'm here now, ok? just breath for me, love" "it- it's just so hard, y'know? alone... i'm so alone, i- i can't do this alone, fuck i'm sorry, i just- it feels like i'm losing control of myself; i can't even think straight anymore and i feel so dazed all the time and... i'm lonely, e- even though i'm surrounded by so many people, i'm so lonely"

♪ he let's you talk, not daring to interrupt you, just listening to you, holding you close and stroking your arm in an attempt to reassure you. only when you stop talking does he pull away, peppering your face in loving kisses before planting an especially sweet one on your lips.

"honey, stop, i'm all gross and-" "i don't care"

♪ and he shows you that he doesn't, kissing you again and again; your cheeks, your forehead, your nose, your lips, everywhere. he has so much love for you, and he just keeps on giving. he doesn't care if you don't think you deserve it, if you don't think he should have to 'deal with you'; he gives it to you regardless, and that's something you can't help but love about him.

"no matter how alone you feel, i am always here, understand? i love you, [name], and i care about you, more than anything; more than my job, the fatui, mora, the list goes on. nothing is more important to me than you, and i'm not ashamed to say it. i am the one who doesn't deserve you, i'm blessed to even know you, nevermind have the privilige of loving you. so accept it, please, take my love, my heart, my everything; all my being is here for you." "archons, i love you, childe" "i love you, [name]"

(big ass dramatic speech for our drama queen) (rest assured, he meant every word)

✧ heizou.

♪ the man is a detective, so he quite quickly caught on, but was hesitant to mention it, bringing it up jokingly only for you to completely dismiss it. heizou could tell by the look in your eyes alone that something was seriously wrong; the old sparkle being replaced by a dull void. nevertheless, he would still get lost in your eyes, but feel as if he were falling down a bottomless pit; it was like he could feel what you were feeling, see what you were seeing, and it hurt.

♪ he'd be returning home from a long day of detective work, uncovering clues and deciphering codes to find missing persons, his eyelids dropping as he locked the front door behind him

"honey, i'm home!" he calls out, knowing well how cheesy the phrase was, and using that to his advantage, wanting the first thing he sees after a long day on the job to be your smile. "love?" after hearing no response - not even the shuffling of your slippers against the wooden floorboards - he grew concerned, eyebrows furrowing as he began to wonder: "where could they be?"

♪ someone coming after you must be his most dreaded nightmare; a thought that haunts him late at night, though thankfully the sight of you sleeping soundly next to him always seems to calm him, but this time you aren't there... you aren't there beside him to comfort him, to show him you're safe, to prove to him you aren't hurt. the poor man is stood in the entryway of your shared home, eyes wide and scanning the coat hooks for any missing coats, or the shoe rack for any easy-access pairs you may have grabbed if you were faced with the need to run.

♪ merely thinking about a criminal exploiting heizou's soft spot for you as revenge for proving them guilty sent chills down his spine, the thought of you being hurt scaring you more than anything ever could, even more than some of his worst cases.

"calm down, heizou, they're probably fine" he reassures himself, trying to keep calm and prevent himself from thinking (or acting) irrationally. finally stepping into the front room, heizou's eyes switch from doorway to doorway, trying to decide where you're most likely to be. watching tv in the living room? nope. cooking dinner in the kitchen? not there either. showering in the bathroom? still no. watering the plants in the back garden? this late at night? no way! sleeping in the bedroom? not quite...

♪ peeking through the crack in the bedroom door, he sees you sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over and unmoving. his first thought is to burst through the door and hug you, lifting you off your feet and spinning you around in relief... that is until his eyes recognise the red trickling down your thighs...

♪ you wanted to feel something, anything. an escape from this numbness was all you wanted, all you needed, yet it would slip from your grasp as soon as the pain subsided. it was unloving, unforgiving, cruel; leaving you alone once more, staring a hole into the blank spot of yours and heizou's bedroom wall.

"you thought i wouldn't notice, love? i am a detective, y'know..."

♪ yes, admittedly it wasn't the best choice of words, but in all honesty, he wasn't quite sure how to react. he pushed the door open, poking his head through first with a weak smile before opening it further and sliding through the gap. no matter how hard he tried to hide it, you could see his eyes welling up with tears, his bottom lip wavering as he looked you in the eyes.

"can... would it be ok if i come closer?" his gentle voice calls out, you can hear the sadness in your voice, and it hit your heart with a 'twang'. you nod meekly, reaching out your hand to grab a cloth and covering your leg, but he grabs your wrist to stop you "please, let me see?" "'zou... you don't need to help me" "[name], i want to help you, i'm choosing to do this... so please"

♪ at first you're doubtful, confused as to why anyone would want to give you this kind of help, especially heizou. not because you view him negatively, but because you could tell he was exhausted; being a detective is hard work, and has proven to be very draining.

♪ deep down you didn't think you deserved it. despite always being happy and willing to help others, nobody ever seems to want to return the favour, and so your frozen in shock - not pain - when he begins cleaning your wounds.

"do you maybe wanna talk about it?" he asks, looking up at you with kind eyes, showing you how genuine he was. whatever was bothering you, he wanted to know, he wanted to help, because you deserve his help. "... m- maybe later?" as much as you hate to dissapoint him, you can't bring yourself to even think about how you'd explain all this to heizou; not wanting to scare him or become 'one of his clients', though you know he would never treat you that way. "of course, whenever you need, love... you know i love you, right? and... and that no matter how alone you feel, i am always here" "i love you..."

thanks for reading ♡ want to read more? my requests are OPEN, so please feel free to let me know what you'd like me to write next!

☆ a little message i wanted to share... ( feel free to skip)

"i know some random person from the internet saying this may not help, but i want you to know that you are loved, you are cared for, whether you know it or not. there are billions of people on this planet, not one of us are the same, and so no one will ever really know how you're feeling, but that's ok. this is something you are going through and something you will get yourself out of. yes, it will take time, and it'll be hard, but i believe in you. nobody knows you better than yourself. if you think doing something, anything, will make you feel worse, don't do it. you know your boundaries better than anyone, no matter what other people say. take your time. of course, it's good to help others, but sometimes you'd be helping other people more if you took a second to take care of yourself. you do deserve it. please stay safe and take care of yourself. ily ♡"

© FICTOCULUS 2023; please do not steal, translate, or repost my works as your own

[sharpth1ng]

What do you think is mentally wrong with billy and stu other then being “insane”

I don't actually think they're insane, tbh. I'm going to give a long explanation of this but I just want to say I'm not judging you or the question. Terms like this get miss-used a lot in pop media (including in Scream) so it's easy to get the wrong idea.

"Insane" is a legal category, not a medical diagnosis. Legally, insanity refers to someone being in a state where they are so out of touch with reality that they can't be considered responsible for their actions. The way this works is complicated, but simply put if the crime was violent then it needs to be proven that the accused person didn't actually know what they were doing.

Successful insanity pleas are very very rare, both because the burden of proof is super high and because people with disorders that involve a break from reality don't commit violent crime that often at all. It's actually pretty rare.

So yeah, by that definition these two are not insane at all. They know exactly what they are doing and they intend to do it. They call themselves "psychotic" but that's also a miss-use of the term. They very clearly don't have psychosis, and aside from that people with psychosis are less likely to act violently than people who don't have it (this is a statistical fact).

On that note I just want to point out that the way media connects violence with psychotic disorders is a real problem. It stigmatizes and isolates the real people who struggle with this stuff. It causes others to judge and fear them, it makes them fear themselves, and it makes it harder for them to access treatment and care. So yeah the psychotic line in Scream is a real pet-peeve of mine, that's why I changed it in my writing.

Getting back to Billy and Stu I really don't think their issues and behaviours can be boiled down to any mental health issues. To be clear I don't think anyones bad behaviour can be boiled down to mental health issues. In some cases mental health issues can help us understand where behaviour is coming from, but they're never the only cause. So I'll talk about the way I write them in terms of the issues they deal with, but just keep in mind that these things not the cause of their actions.

I write Billy autistic partly because I am (but also because of the canonical horror movie special interest and third act meltdown) and I'd say my portrayal of Stu also indicates some type of neurodivergence- probably something like ADHD but I don't have any specific diagnosis in mind. Billy also has some attachment and trust issues- these aren't diagnosis or disorders but they are definitely things he struggles with. For his part Stu is dealing with parental neglect and struggles with loneliness as well as under-stimulation.

All of this stuff informs the way they behave with each other, the walls they put up, and the types of relationships they have with other people. For example Billy isn't emotionally open to Sidney at any point. Even if he wasn't gay there was never a possibility for their relationship to work out because he's completely closed off to her. He doesn't trust her.

In terms of what I think is truly wrong with these two it's the misogyny, the slut shaming and the self-centeredness. That's the kind of stuff that I think explains their behaviour for real, and none of it is related to their mental health issues or insecurities.

Stu is a rich white boy living in suburban California and the way I write him, so is Billy. They have shitty values and the kind of privileged upbringing that teaches men to see themselves as the main character. Billy literally has one of those scary tiktok boy moms, like when we see Nancy in Scream 2 she fully excuses all of his behaviour. He's been brought up not having to take accountability or consider the real effects of his actions. Neither of them have.

So yeah tldr: They aren't insane, they do have some legit mental health issues the way I write them, but none of that stuff causes their actions in the movie. Their actions are caused by a toxic combination of sexism and main character syndrome, which are not mental health issues.

I hope all that makes sense!

[reasonsforhope]

One of the things that I really appreciate about this blog is that now, every now and then, when I hear about some new awful thing in the world, it will be in the context of "and this is what people are doing to fight it". That's so much less paralyzing.

(If you have any sources to recommend for experiencing more of that, me and my mental health would be further indebted.)

Ahhh, I forgot about this message, sorry! Been a hectic couple of months.

I absolutely have more sources!

One of the biggest is the media collaboration The Solutions Journalism Network, which focuses on just that: closing the massive gap between people reporting on problems and people reporting solutions.

I have a giant bookmark list of sources for this blog, for good news stories and hope, so here's a bunch of links! Roughly in order of how good I think they are (in terms of size of stories, previously uncovered stories, good editorial standards, accuracy, detail, number of stories, etc. etc.)

We're gonna start with the ones that do good news ONLY, because sometimes you fucking need that, and then below I'll link some excellent sources that have a higher than average number of quality pieces on good news, even though they also publish other stuff too.

Good and hopeful news sources:

Future Crunch - If you only read one of these sites, read this one!!! It's a MASSIVE biweekly roundup of international good news stories with really high quality reporting--a lot of UN and WHO and major NGO reports as their sources. I cry from hope at LEAST 30% of the times I read this, and tbh it used to be like 100%, about a year ago when I started realizing that hope for the planet and for humanity was something that was REASONABLE TO HAVE.

Reasons to Be Cheerful - Fewer stories, but FANTASTIC quality of reporting, especially on fantastic local stories, many of them in international communities, that you've definitely never heard of before

Positive.News - Good coverage and especially roundups, mostly Europe-focused.

Good News Network - This one is awesome for the high number and approachability of its stories, but unfortunately also includes more "That's not news that's just a heartwarming anecdote" and "That's not good news it's actually dystopian" pieces than I'd like.

Jane Goodall's Good For All News - Really awesome focus on international issues, a lot of news from Africa, a lot of news about youth organizers and youth-led projects, and a lot of focus on how helping the environment and helping communities are inextricably connected. Yall Jane Goodall is doing SO MUCH amazing work out there even at her age, and most people also have no idea.

Good Black News - Mostly posts on music and entertainment, and doesn't post all that often, but they're great.

Good Good Good

The Good News Hub

Only Good News Daily

( ) for Tomorrow - Directory of grassroots solutions to all types of issues and "proof that no solution is too small to have an impact"

A Plus - Dedicated to uplifting stories in video form. I'm sure they're awesome, I just don't rly use them bc videos can set off my sensory issues

The Happy Broadcast - Illustrated good news tidbits! I haven't been using them much but it looks like they've (recently?) added more text and sources to each image, so I might change that. Illustrations are pretty cute tbh

Sources that publish a lot of good news, but also other not good stuff:

Euronews.Green - Environmental section of European news org

Yes! Magazine - Excellent solutions-focused journalism, excellent focus on BIPOC content and underrepresented communities

TheMayor.EU - EU-focused, discusses a lot of good projects and cool local developments/programs

Grist - Solutions journalism, fantastic corage especially on environmental issues

Mongabay - Billed as "News & Inspiration from Nature's Frontline," they are amazing and have some of the best goddamn reporting I've ever seen. They mean "frontline" very literally: there's a TON of pieces about and by and interviewing communities on the front lines of environmental conflict, especially developing nations and Indigenous communities world wide. That said there's also a lot of bad news on nature's frontline still, while they report a lot of amazing and powerful good news, make sure you're in a resilient mood when you visit this site, because some of the stories are also pretty upsetting.

Indian Country Today and Native News Online - two of the leading news orgs for Indigenous communities in the United States. Kind of like Mongabay in that they have a lot of good news stories from Indigenous communities that often no one else is reporting on, but also plenty of coverage of things that are definitely not good, so better to read when you're in a resilient mood.

If you have any good news sites/sources you'd like to add, please drop them in the replies or comments! I'm always looking for new good news sources (though I def don't always have time to use all of them, rip!). Plus, let's support these sites by giving them some traffic!

We could all use more ways to get some more good news.

[rimouskis]

hey! I got a new job! that's crazy! I actually kept a huge spreadsheet to track my job search, from my layoff last year through three different job offers. obvs I'm not gonna share the spreadsheet itself but I wanna share some numberrrrrrsssss

over the course of 11 months, I applied to 142 jobs [not including any "easy apply" options on linkedin, which would easily add another 80 or so jobs to this list. if any of those easy apply applications led to an interview, they were added to my spreadsheet].

of those 142, I heard back from 25. I was simply rejected from 58, and never heard from 59.

of the jobs I interviewed for, I was rejected after the first round 12 times and rejected after the second round three times.

I made it to the third round of interviews three times, and all three times I was offered the job.

I removed myself from contention for three roles that were interested in me. I rescinded my candidacy for various reasons like compensation, wanting to be an actual employee instead of a contractor, stuff like that.

I also want to say that many times I interviewed and then was still ghosted, lol. it's so gross to me that companies don't have the wherewithal to communicate with people after speaking with them, especially face-to-face.

some anecdotes:

despite these numbers looking atrocious (and trust me, they FELT atrocious), I had pretty good luck. I secured my first job offer 2 months after starting my job search.

there was a MUCH heavier gap between the first job offer and the second (closer to five months). the reasons for that were: I had started my new job and didn't apply anywhere for a whole month, and also that job destroyed my mental health so badly that I genuinely cannot speak of it lol.

THAT BEING SAID, because the second job offer had a very long interview period, there were only three months between me starting my new job (first job offer) and me sending in my application that led to the second job offer. so, frankly, given that the job almost destroyed my life, I think three months is a pretty good turnaround.

I had a VERY good rate of return between the second job offer and the third. I applied to only 42 jobs and secured interviews for a whopping ~25% of them. maybe I'd finally Gotten Good at applying for jobs after applying to roughly two a day for half a year lol.

that being said, I'd also slowed down a lot in my application grind. I was very demoralized and also felt a lot of complicated feelings around turning down the second job offer. I had very good reasons for it, but it was still an incredibly hard decision and it threw me off my game for a while. I'd also become choosier in what I applied for.

finally, 100ish days after being offered that second job, I was offered the third—and final, for this saga—job. My Long Nightmare Was Over.

so: why share this? firstly, I'm proud of my recordkeeping and wanted to share it, haha. secondly, I know everyone is complaining about the job market, but in case anyone else is in the trenches right now: I just want to tell you that I see you, I feel you, and this has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

applying to jobs was like pulling teeth for me. job SEARCHING, itself, causes (for some reason) an emotional reaction in me so strong that you'd think the process was lab-designed to cause me stress and extreme self-doubt.

I've gotten a lot better at it in the last year, though, and my tolerance and stamina for it is much better. but christ alive, it was an emotionally-taxing grind.

job searching sucks. in several industries, the job market is a total blood bath right now. if you need to talk about it, I'm always happy to lend an understanding ear.

anyways. yay numbers. hopefully I don't have to do that again for a VERY long time.

[ghostinthegallery]

As a transformers fan I love robots who have divorce drama stretching millions of years but also have a body count in the trillions. Thus it has taken little convincing but I think I shall investigate these undead robots.

In the event of my death I'm Telling. This is your fault. How do I start wading into this mess bc my only encounter with Warhammer was when a very drunk frat guy tried to explain the horus heresy at a party.

Well you are in for a treat then! Robots with marriage/divorce drama, severe mental health issues, and body counts best measured on a planetary scale are our specialty in Chez Necron.

If you want a setting overview before you dive in, Bricky's two part series going over all the factions is quite solid. Long, but hey this has been around since the 80s. (no drunken Horus Heresy rambles*)

First, watch this clip of Trazyn the Infinite, as an amuse bouche before your meal.

As for books, there are two main places I'd start for necrons:

The Infinite and the Divine- the classic starting point for necrons (and 40k in general). Trazyn the Infinite, lord of the Prismatic Galleries, battles against Orikan the Diviner, master chronomancer and prophet. Clash of godlike beings over...what amounts to a magic Rubik's Cube. It's so petty. This fight spans epochs, multiple wars, and one legal case. There's no heterosexual explanation for their dynamic. Also this book has dinosaurs. Some of whom carry shuriken canons.

Now, this book has a ton of 40k stuff. Most major factions make an appearance so there's a very good chance there will be words/things that a new person is unfamiliar with. If that doesn't bother you, awesome! Proceed. Ask me things, I'll explain that an aeldar is just a space elf or whatever. Or watch a lore vid beforehand. However if that is a turn off I'd recommend starting with...

Severed- Novella, so shorter which is nice. Do you like angst? The horrors of immortality? Lord/knight love story? One very silly guy? Then meet Zahndrekh and his loyal bodyguard Obyron as they set out to conquer a planet where the necrons are...wrong. Complicating factors include Obyron's crippling depression, Zahndrekh's asshole ex, and the fact Zahndrekh is insane and believes them all to still be the creatures of flesh and blood they were before a bunch of star gods ate their souls and turned them into robots. Prepare to cry.

After those, I cannot recommend the Twice Dead King duology highly enough. Oltyx, an exiled prince attempts to save his dynasty from destruction while battling his own creeping madness. He's got an adorable crush on his hot best friend. The voices in his head were put there on purpose so its fine. Well most of them were. Everything is fine. I didn't cry multiple times reading these...

Then refer to my reading guide for the good short stories and boom! The wonderful world of gay undead space robots is open before you.

I accept full responsibilities for my actions. If you die I promise to say mostly nice things at your funeral.

*mini rant, but I honestly think the Horus Heresy is one of the worst ways to introduce someone to the 40k world. It's a series with like 70 books! Many of them are bad! You need a flowchart to keep track of the timeline! I know there's some good books and characters, power to all who love the HH, but it is not newbie friendly! Also it only has humans which robs you of some of the best parts of the setting (like...y'know. Necrons). Ease people in, then they can make an informed decision about tackling the mountain of buff space men with daddy issues shooting each other.

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

just an update?

Hello my maggots, Asmi here. I'm really sorry that I haven't replied to a lot of the stuff I've been tagged in/reblogs/DMs, it has been a... chaotic two days. I promise I'll get to them soon, as soon as my mind calms down a bit (to its ordinary level of chaos, I mean).

In an update on the 10khaos, for those who haven't heard, my hair is indeed now Crowley red, the Discord server is made (and currently broiling in utter madness, the Youtube channel has also been made and I have an idea for the first video, and I will soon set forth and adopt the Crowley, Aziraphale and Adam plants.

So as for the irl mind stuff, it's basically that the red hair brought up the question of whether or not I'd be able to go through with college, design school starts in May-ish.

(um mild tw for bullying and a mention of transphobia, skip the next two paragraphs if that is a trigger for you)

I've been in college before, that was design too, for three months. And I had to drop out because I was being isolated and bullied by everyone there including the dean, as well as a lot of transphobia and discrimination on the basis of mental health issues.

Soooo... yeah. There's also the fact that the new college will be far more conservative and I live in India and it's all really a shit of a mess. So my mum asked me to think about whether I wanted to do distance learning instead, since I already am a designer and have done projects.

It's a lot to think about. And my head is being all messy, ya know how it is. If any of you have advice or experience with distance learning, that would be amazing, actually.

(Also my family were kind of really mean about my Crowley hair)

(Oh well)

(I love it and I have you amazing maggots so)

Anyway yes I just wanted to say what was going on so that you know why if I don't respond immediately to things going on :") And if you want to interact with the other maggots, the Discord server is always there, links get messed up on posts but I'm sure @arkytiorlecter or @howmanyholesinswisscheese will send you the invite link if you need it. It's in one of my posts, but things do tend to get lost on my blog, don't they?

No matter what I want you all to know that you are so, so loved, you are more than enough just by existing and being your beautiful selves, and you have made my life immeasurably better. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I love you I love you I love you maggots. I promise I'll go through the notes soon and cause chaos :") So beware. It just might take a day or two for me to get back to my usual frequency of chronical onlineness (which is my happy place muehuehue).

Have a wonderful day, and remember to eat and sleep and hydrate and take meds if you need to.

All my maggoty princely love for you, Asmi

[fereldanwench]

under a cut for physical health talk (including weight) and achieving goals, nothing too intense, but i know sometimes seeing this stuff can put me in a bad place if I'm not in the right headspace so jic:

a piece of advice i've always really struggled with, particularly when it comes to physical health/fitness goals, is anything in the spirit of "be gentle with yourself" because

well

i will take advantage of it lmao

i am very good at justifying doing shit that is soothing in the short term but ultimately unhelpful, possibly even damaging in the long term

but being too hard on myself also has drawbacks because if i get into the habit of rationalizing bad choices and can't stick to a rigorous routine, i will feel like a failure which will send me into a depressive spiral

and i think in both cases the underlying issue is that i tend to fall into an all-or-nothing mindset, which was really compounded my anxiety for quite a few years. it was one of those situations where i knew that was a bad and counterproductive mindset, but the mental illness would not relent lmao

i did hit this wall again last fall after another yet failed attempt at a full diet and lifestyle overhaul (which was really too much at once even under the best circumstances, and these were not the best circumstances), but after i got over my little pity party, one thing i realized i did get better at was making better choices on a smaller scale

like okay, i had a long, shitty day at work, i want something fried and greasy and i do not have the mental fortitude to discipline myself into something else rn, but i can at least get a side of steamed veggies instead of onion rings with my fried chicken sandwich

and this is also advice i'd seen before and it always made sense to me, but i was just too locked into the all-or-nothing mindset that i couldn't get myself to implement it even if i knew it was good. on account of the mental illness lmao

so anyway, i'm trying something a little different with myself this year which is less about having a rigid routine when it comes to fitness and food, and instead about embracing a more flexible mindset. there are so many variables in my life that make trying to stick to a strict schedule impossible, but i can be more in tune with myself to make the best choices i can in a given situation

like monday and wednesday this week, i felt good physically and i had a lot of energy and some downtime at work, so i did 30 mins of cardio. that made me feel even better, and I'm currently in a headspace where i don't hate the idea of cooking (my relationship with food and grocery shopping and cooking is kgjdgdfgjdf I'm not even gonna get into it, but i have Issues™️ lmao) so i got some stuff to do some healthy dinners the next few days. i know meal prep and food planning beyond about 3 days doesn't work in my household and leads to food and money wasted, which makes me feel bad, so I'm not gonna try to go overboard here. just gonna do what i can while i can

and i'm trying to apply this to other things too, like reading. idk where this even got in my head, but at some point i was like 'if i can't read for an hour, I'm not gonna bother reading' which is dumb. so I've been reading 20-30 mins a couple of nights when it suits me. and I'm like a third done with a book i picked up a week and a half ago

(little tangential, but i'm also working on reframing how i feel about my past periods of success. like 10 years ago, i was eating very healthy ('clean') and doing HIIT like 5x a week, and when i felt out of that because it was ultimately unsustainable with my job, i was bitter and angry with myself for a long time. i felt like if it was something i did before, i should be able to do it again. but maybe i can't, and that's okay. i still did it at one point, and i still got a lot of benefits from doing it--that should be celebrated, not something i should hold against myself for not continuing)

something i encountered a lot when i was doing therapy and in fitness/weight loss groups was the concept of a SMART goal, which is a specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goal. and the part of my brain that likes things orderly and structured sees the benefit of that approach, but i just don't think that works for me for long-term change, particularly with something as amorphous (to me) as physical health

i tried noom (twice, as a matter of fact) because i knew a lot of my weight struggle was more mental/emotional than physical, and it's a very flawed program for a lot of reasons that I'm not going to get into rn, but one thing in particular that i could never really get on board with was setting a goal weight or a specific number of pounds to lose

i have no emotional connection to these numbers. i know when i feel good in my body and i know when i don't feel good in my body, and those experiences have never been tied to a specific number. i do weigh myself because it's an easy way for me to create some accountability for myself, but saying 'i want to be this weight by this date' just does nothing for me

(another small tangent but i think some of this also comes from being taller and naturally bulkier (even at my objectively healthiest) than the average cis woman anyway. like I'm never going to be petite or slim and i don't want to be, frankly. I've always had a really hard time connecting with women about this stuff in more traditionally female-oriented weight loss spaces (versus like a CrossFit box) because I've always leaned more towards muscle mommy than yoga girlie or whatever the cutesy internet terms are rn lmao)

so yeah! just some stuff i've been thinking about this week and wanted to get out. whenever i talk about this stuff i always feel like it's a big pile of WELL NO SHIT lmao but I've also just always felt like there's so much advice out there that just does not fully resonate with me and dumb brain until I'm ready for it. guess I'm ready for it now :3

[o-uncle-newt]

FIVE: it celebrates vulnerability

Sadly ended up in a big rush today so for this one I'll be kind of rehashing some themes that I wrote about at greater length in my 2023 advent. But they're themes that are incredibly meaningful to me so honestly I'd probably have done it anyway.

Sometime in the next couple of days I'll be writing more about the impact that Cabin Pressure has had on my mental health. But I'll start off with a particular facet of this- it contains stories and characters that demonstrate how difficult it can to be vulnerable, what kinds of conditions help make vulnerability easier, and, overall, how important vulnerability is.

When you look at it, vulnerability is an incredibly important part of pretty much every character's arc. (Obviously, some credit here to JF's Zurich farewell bear facts.) I wrote about it extensively in some of my last year's advent, like Douz, Fitton, Gdansk, Limerick, Uskerty, Vaduz... honestly it's all over the place and part of everyone's arc, and maybe that's just because it's such a human thing but it's so well conveyed here that it's beautiful.

I think what I love most about it is that it includes storylines that explain how difficult it can be to get rid of defense mechanisms and open up. All of these characters have defensive shields- Martin's captain's hat, Carolyn's airdot, Douglas's scheming and omniscient facade, and sometimes even Arthur's ignoring of consequences (even if part of that is also just dimness). All of these characters, at some point, have to break them down and let people in, and in all of these cases it is its own journey. For Douglas to open up about his divorce took a whole season from beginning to end, and sketched out beautifully- for Carolyn to realize that Herc was for real (and needed her to be real as well) took two seasons and two specials. We've already talked about how good these characters are, but this particular facet of them is so beautifully played out.

Given stuff going on in my own life, this particular theme is incredibly resonant to me and it means a lot that it's a consistent one.

[starfragment1979]

I've been working on that fanfic, the one that was supposed to be fluff-n-smut, but the more I write the more plot starts creeping in, and just a liiitle bit of conflict. I was telling my spouse about this, and they joked that I just can't stop myself from writing a well rounded story, ha.

It's also turning out to be longer than I had anticipated, because of course it is. I had four scenes in mind, and I was going to post them as separate chapters just for ease of reading, but I was also going to post the whole thing at once because I didn't think it would be that long. But I just finished chapter one last week and it's 10k words, and if each chapter plays out the same way, 40k is kind of a lot of fluff-n-smut with some bonus plot and conflict. I'll probably still post it all at once, though, once it's done.

But, oh, friends, it is going so slow. I have been struggling with health stuff since early November... I thought at first it was just election stress, but after a while I started assuming I must've somehow gotten sick with a virus. My normal, everyday symptoms for years now include things like body aches and fatigue and sore throat and congestion and shortness of breath etc etc etc, which means it's so hard to tell the difference between just another flare up and being sick with something new, so I never even thought to test for covid until it was too late. I guess it doesn't matter now.

But I have been stuck in bed all day and exhausted and in pain and either not sleeping or sleeping like the dead and having nightmares every night and my brain is so sludgy that it takes superhuman strength to wrestle words out of it. Like it takes me fifteen minutes to write a sentence and then when I reread it I realized I already used half the words in the previous paragraph which I wrote the day before. I do have random better days where writing comes a little easier, and the story itself is clear in my head, I'm just struggling to find the words to convey it. But this one is gonna need some more substantial line editing when I'm all done writing, I think.

And just to be clear, I am writing these stories for myself. Like I do absolutely love the kudos and comments and the occasional Tumblr post or whatever, and I'll admit to regularly refreshing my stats page to see if I got more hits. But if I was just in this for the accolades, I'd go find a more active fandom.

I'm writing these stories because I love the characters and the lives and the world I've created for them. But also the act of writing itself is so vital to me feeling like a human being, and especially now as I'm increasingly bedbound and can't really access visual arts or craft projects, writing is one of the only ways I can practice creativity. I have lost so much to this illness, and I don't want to lose writing and stories and art, too, even if it's a struggle, even if I'm using more energy than I can afford to do it.

I don't know how to express how vital writing and creativity is to my mental health without this whole post coming across as a pity party. Every now and then, when I'm having a bad day or a string of bad days, I'll start to think, "Maybe this should be my last story, maybe I shouldn't be doing this anymore." But I don't like to think about what my life would be like without writing, and I don't want to lose that last little shred of humanity.

And whenever I start to think I should quit, I also wind up thinking up another story I want to write, and I wind up wanting it badly enough that I decide to keep going for just one more story. And then one more. And on it goes.

I've actually got the next story I want to write fully fleshed out in my head, like scene-for-scene, a lot of the prose and dialogue clear in my mind. It'll be a one shot where Flick has a medical issue, panics about it, and CJ helps take care of him. (I know, I know... it's not my exact medical issues, but there probably is some projecting going on here, lol.) And it's all so clear in my head that I'm tempted to take a break from my current story and write that one instead, to strike while the iron is hot, because maybe it's also easier for me to write angst than it is to write sex, ha. But I also think it's probably better for me to save it for later, so that I have some future plans and something to look forward to, to use my own stories as a life raft for myself.

[dustcrumbs]

I think it’s a matter of boundaries to be honest when it comes to people following proshippers

I despise proship content and block people for it for my mental health, but my close friend, they follow certain creators i have blocked.

The thing is, they also dislike proship content, but they’re ok with just seeing it and scrolling on by to enjoy the other art and media ! I don’t think everyone has the time or reason to care to check every single person they interact with, so i think i understand that even if it’s not how i operate my socials .=. what can i say i’m chronically online T=T

-🔱

Oh, I understand that. It just confuses me why you'd want to put yourself into a scenario similar to that. To constantly scroll/see something you obviously don't like nor support every time you check their blog or pop on your fyp. It's just, why?? If you don't like it, wouldn't you try to avoid it entirely? But I understand that they have content you desire and don't see in other blogs. That's fine. But if you're following them, I'll assume you like their content. And that includes the problematic things they drawn/said. I won't block those who follow, yet, until I'm sure they are a genuine proshipper/supporter.

My friend does something similar to that. He just doesn't follow the creator. He only looks at the art he likes but completely avoids supporting the creator, no likes, no reblogs, no reposts. That's what im okay with. If you're aware of the creator being bad, dont support them. You can like the non-problemaatic stuff they do. Just don't spread them around too much without a warning or stuff. My dude just downloads it and shows us the non-problematic art, lol. He does tell us the creator is bad and has drawn nasty stuff. And that's what he should've done. Gehhe. And if he DOESNT tell us the moment we see it, when we ask for the creators name, he will tell us about it. Like a little "careful spongebob.."

That's actually why I won't instantly block people who do follow problematic creators. If I don't see them supporting that content, then I'm fine with them. But they're on a VERY thin line, honestly, because I can't genuinely tell if they're doing smth privately. Especially since I'd have the creator blocked, I'm not going to go check the acc to see if they have asked anything odd 😭.

Also, I said follow, not just interact. In my opinion, if you're going to follow a creator. It's because you've checked a majority/portion of their creations and liked it. Plus, the creator I was talking about had 'I'm a proshipper' in bold letters in their intro. So it's not hard to miss, lol. So yeah, I'm going to side-eye whoever follows them. I won't say they're a supporter or one of the shippers until I've seen definite proof of it. Then, they're blocked. I'm not gonna harass them or publicly humiliate them dw dw. I'm not WEIRD WEIRD. I'll have them anonymous if I ever do rant abt them, I don't want kids getting harassed vro.

I think i repeated myself a lot, but I hope you get my point.

I'm chronically online, too. I ain't got shit to do with my life anyway BLEGHH 👅‼️‼️

[jumpywhumpywriter]

Uh, hey. Not really sure how to start this since it’s been a minute, but just wanted to say that I’m alive, just took a brain break from the internet. Not really sure if that’s oversharing, but brain be overthinking a lot. Hope you’re doing well (and that this isn’t somehow weird)!

Anyways, if you don’t mind me asking, do you have any other world built species or things in your world that make the island (I’m blanking on the name) interesting? Unique flora or fauna? Feel free to ignore this or answer in whatever depth you like.

Hope you’re doing well, staying hydrated, and taking care of yourself :)

-idk

Taking a brain break I'd totally fine! It's good for your mental health (I know this from personal experience Lol)

But wow, you are really going to like the worldbuilding lore I've got to answer this question with! Get ready for some CRAZY info-dumping! (This list is HUGE)

I have considered every aspect of the biology of my plants/animals from the island Falkradia in my books. I've created a very intricate ecosystem for it with prey and predators alike, along with many carnivorous and deadly plants. Biology is fascinating! I like to plan out my creatures bit by bit, including their unique physical anatomy and structure, along with how they would move/walk/run in real life -- it helps me write them more realistically in the end. And I imagine/create the world they live and coexist in to see how they would interact with each other in the food chain. I also like to add unique twists by drawing inspiration from fascinating real-life phenomenons found in both plants and animals.

Anyway, here's a few of my epic Falkradia-specific plants & creatures that I think classifies as 'lore'? Basic point is that my world is deadly and awesome because of it so I'm sharing some qualities of it regardless. And guess what? Some of the made-up plants and fruits in this world have detailed/specific medicinal properties and practical uses that are mentioned in the books! Each of the listed things below is stuff that I created myself with inspiration taken from other real-life plants and things (like Willow trees) that I used to make my world seem more realistic, despite it being in a fantasy setting. Here's the list of the most important/relevant flora and fauna from my world::

***A tree called a Blood Willow -- looks like a weeping Willow, but each of its leaves is stiff and razor-sharp like blades. It is a predatory plants that will attack any animal that comes close, slashing it to bloody ribbons with its leaves and the blood of its prey waters the roots of the tree to help it thrive.

***Archurvore Sephries (pronounced Ar-choo-voire Seh-frees - scientific name) AKA “Nightic Bloom” – a flower used as a reversal agent for Nylid poisoning (Nylid is an extremely toxic/deadly venom found in a rare type of snake mentioned in my books that Falkry tend to avoid when possible)

***Tangladine (tang-la-dine) extract - a fruit extract (sourced from Tangladine) with a treesap-like consistency, orangish-yellow in color - is used to help with headaches, and relieve aches and pains from overworked or injured muscles - a topical medicine.

***Wickoyia Alconoroy Flower (scientific name, pronounced Wick-oi-ya All-conn-oh-roy) AKA “Devil’s Heartseed” – Rare beautiful deep blood red flowers that has a pitch black center to them, with faded black on the tips of each of the six pointed petals - red tipped green leaves on the plant part with maroon colored berries:: juice from crushed berries are strong tranquilizer/sedative, also has healing properties that can numb wounds and help them heal faster.

***Lavablart (pronounced just like it looks) - bitter/strong-scented plant often used to mask other scents from detection. It has almost no other purpose. Hunters would occasionally smear the plant sap around a recent kill site, to mask the scent of blood from the kill they had made, to prevent it from scaring away other prey animals (to trick other prey animals into a false sense of security).

***Armaborium - large coconut-sized fruit with the texture of a watermelon, but also the bitterness of a lemon, along with the crunch of a carrot.

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Now for some unique animal species from Falkradia::

***Jacarda (Jah-CAR-duh) - Jerboa-like creature the size of a large rabbit, with kangaroo-like hind legs, shorter front paws, long tail with lion tuft on end, disproportionately large long ears compared to body size, has excellent hearing, ears are triangular shaped, looks like a giant mutant mouse. (If you don't know what a normal Jerboa is, you HAVE to look it up -- they are literally the cutest little things you'll ever see!!)

***Kaiehgree (Kai-eh-gree) - herd animals - slender body of a thin wild horse, long and nimble legs of a deer, panther-like tail that was long enough to reach the ground, impressively large rack of antlers on their heads, two small tusks that poke down from the upper row of canine teeth like a musk deer - fox-shaped head, furry, triangular ears - has a bugling, warbling, with a hint of a whistle alarm call (It seems so specific but this is exactly how I describe them in the books)

***Garnigee bird -- a type of bird of prey, like a giant eagle but with unusual colors closer to greens and faded blues in the feathers that help them blend in with the lush green forests on Falkradia

***Kuacall (coo-ah-call) - the Falkry equivalent of Mockingbirds, as they can perfectly imitate/mimic hundreds of complex sounds they hear in their environment. They are considered an obnoxious pest in Falkradia. ((Sidenote: the 'call' part of their name I included as a hint to what they can do -- posess a variety of bird calls)

***Shrike - highly aggressive large wolf-like creatures with scrawny build, long bony tail, tall pointy ears, long pointed snout -- facial features look a lot like the Egyptian Anubis.

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A random fact: the name "Falkry" in my world translates to Falcon-Winged in the human language -- I did that intentionally as a direct reflection onto the fact that Falkry have falcon-like wings. (You can probably tell all the names on this list were pretty well-thought-out Lol)

BONUS: Here are some other miscellaneous but highly useful objects that are a big part of my world that aren't plants or animals::

***Ululeh - thin pencil-long metal rod used for ‘writing’ on wax-covered waterproof paper that is capable of traveling through rainstorms without getting soaked. The rod creates indentations that can be read when tilted to catch the light. ((This one was inspired because I used to use pens that had run out of ink to create "secret messages" when I was in school - they could only be read at the right angle since there was 0 ink involved and only grooves on the paper, if that makes sense?))

***Flight wax - clear wax that goes onto a Fallry's feathers to help the tips not get frayed during rough flying (or aerial combat) and also acts as waterproofing when water is expected to be involved. Also helps them fly faster. When applied it is slick and shiny but dries a transparent matte. No one would notice when someone is wearing it unless they look closely at the feather barbs to see that they are coated. The wax can be dyed different colors for easier identification during flight.

---Red tipped wings=leader, person who gives orders

---Black/white tipped wings = 3 wingman of the leader

((There are more color associations but I'll cut it short for the sake of how long this is getting - ironic because it's already overwhelmingly long)

***Vlute - made from Whistling Grass (which makes a whistling sound when wind or air blow through it); Vlute itself has strings like violin, plays like flute

***Feather Oil - made from extremely diluted tree sap mixed with a variety of natural oils to create a hydrating substance used when grooming feathers to keep them in pristine condition after each molt and improve flight capabilities (similar to the function of Flight Wax, but the oil is meant more for maintenence and upkeep than actual protection.) Often Falkry will help each other groom, and it's considered a bonding experience to do it with your friends and help each other out.

My world even has its own ancient LANGUAGE unique to Falkry! (Shadow takes advantage of that fact occasionally in the books to hold conversations with Tanner that Thomas the human can't interpret -- Tanner has studied the language Shadow speaks and is semi-fluent, so Shadow can give him secret messages -- usually just calling Thomas an idiot is multiple languages and cussing him out)

Oh, and Falkry even have several their own sports and pastime activities that are part of their culture

***Cliff diving -- a fun aerial sport where Falkry dive off of a steep cliff to catch the powerful updraft that flows vertically up the rock face. From there many incredible aerial feats can be achieved that wouldn’t be possible elsewhere. Cliff-diving sites also have the perfect conditions for teaching young Falkry to fly for the first time, since it is actually quite hard to fall because of the strong upward wind blowing in from the ocean.

***The Darken Day Festival -- a massive celebration celebrating the darkest day on Falkradia, which takes place every 5 years during a rare eclipse. The festival lasts a full 24 hours and is full of fancy dining, dancing, and aerial sports like treetop races and agility courses. A lot of Falkry dye their feathers with bright colors to show off and express their joy and have fun. The Darken Day Festival is by far the largest party/calendar event on Falkradia, and it takes over a week of preparation beforehand to get setup for it.

***A Game Called "Flinch" - this is a dangerous pastime game that involves seeing who can toss throwing knives into the ground closest to their foot/shoe without flinching or cutting themselves. Kind of like the knife game humans play where they see how fast they can stab a knife between their fingers without cutting themselves. It's a similar concept. It's a demonstration of skill and talent to see who has the most accurate aim. With a Falkry's regenerative abilities, any damage obtained during the game will heal, so it's nothing too permanent (unless a toe is accidently severed -- Falkry can't grow back entire body parts.) But in the end, whoever flinches is out.

And lastly, here are some major or important locations mentioned that are part of Falkradia (and will be included on the official map once it's created)

***Far Drysands - a long sandy beach located on the East end of the Falkradia island -- a common recreational spot for Falkry willing to wake up early enough to get a stunning view of the sun rising over the ocean in the morning.

***Firefall Forest -- the giant forest to the North of the main Falkradian city. It's the place where most hunting and foraging takes place, and often hunting competitions are held in it as a fun challenge to new Falkry hunters to test out theirs skills in the wild. It's also where nearly apl of the plants and animals mentioned earlier live and thrive - it can be a dangerous place to wander in alone.

***Moon Falls -- a gorgeous waterfall located near a lush, densely forested canyon. At night, the moon reflects off the waterfall, making it's water look like liquid silver flpwibg over the canyon edge and its misty spray look like glittering diamonds in the air. It's a popular nighttime hangout spot.

***Grand Hall -- the centerpiece structure in the middle of the Falkradian city, a massive building built directly into the side of a mountain. It's where the main part of the Darken Day Festival takes place, and is the location where all important meetings/events happen.

Falkry also have their own schooling system which teaches young Falkry the basics of survival - there's fight, hunting, and flight training, plus several other class-types including healing, foraging, and proper use of magic. Falkry learn how to safely navigate turbulent air conditions like windy days or thunderstorms, as well as wield their magic once it develops with puberty. But flight training is by far the most important class, as a Falkry needs to be capable of staying airborne in any weather conditions whatsoever.

I've got a bunch more lore surrounding Falkradia than what's listed here, but I think this is probably enough for now (I'll have to put together another post sometime with more info)

>>>to everyone reading, please note that I retain the right to these things, and I do not give anyone permission to steal/use these ideas without asking (please message me if you wish to possibly use my ideas and we can talk about it)<<<

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

birthday and pronouns and fascism, oh my

since my birthday means it was time to update my blog bio, @actuallylukedanes made the excellent suggestion that i also post about it.

cuz while i needed to update my age (woo, a round number! maybe it won't take me six months of adjusting to remember how old i am, for once!) and i update my blog title constantly, sometimes more than once a day, lol...i also finally updated my pronouns.

so if you've known me for years or just happened by my little corner of the internet cuz you saw something you like, i don't know about you but i'm heading into my yeah maybe we're all gonna end up dead or imprisoned but i'd rather fight some fascists era as this coming year approaches.

so i'm here to support (and as much as i can, protect) my family and friends and people who need help, and i understand the battening down the hatches of every person who has to be more careful now, who can feel the precarity of their rights and safety more acutely than ever. i'm also worred about my own rights and safety, as a disabled queer mentally ill fat person in the world, whose only income is ssdi and only safety net is (wonderful, yet piecrust-precarious) community.

but i remain the same person who was labeled both 'ornery' and 'little miss contrary' by my grandmother as a child, and i suspect that's why my response to the truly horrific possible futures we could be heading into is Time To Get Louder Then. i don't plan to take ill-advised risks, but i also have no interest in quieting myself down.

therefore! since i have, for life/mental health reasons, ghosted my own blog for so long that i kind of didn't post through a lot of developments, i am here to say that my bio update includes pronoun changes because, well, pronouns (like people) change. though i haven't actually changed so much as figured out more accurate descriptors, over the last little while.

i've said on here for years that my gender is 'person wearing a red shirt at target' and that still feels true, because my identity is less a firm, specific thing than it is a lack of a thing. as somebody afab and socialized that way, some descriptors don't bother me at all, like terms of endearment from people i love. and broad common female pronouns (she, here) feel more clinical, somehow, as if that degenders them a little. whereas ones like 'ma'am' and even 'female' feel *more* gendered.

idk why that is, or why things that feel girly to me grate on my brain in the first place. but in my 20s and 30s, i couldn't explain why i identified as gay or queer yet was deeply uncomfortable with 'lesbian.' now i know, and as much as it feels like further complicating my descriptors (i've already got 5 different disorders! i contain multitudes!) it's a huge relief to have the language.

some of which, also wasn't new. i think i found the term agender a while back, at least a few years ago. i'd never seen a description that fit me before, not quite so well. i identify as lacking gender, wanting to exist outside of the recognition of gender--i understand the different gender labels/norms and respect them for other people, however they identify...but for me, gender feels like a lie.

it's only within the last year sometime that i finally figured out, with the help of resources via my best friend, that being agender fits under the nonbinary umbrella, which can also fit under the umbrella of trans. i've never thought of myself as someone with gender dysphoria, and that gave me this huge feeling of 'identifying as trans would be claiming something i have no right to.'

so i had to think about that a while. i had an epiphany moment (thanks to the barbie movie, of all things) where i had a physical reaction to a thing as if it were an attack directed at me. that was when i realized i may not feel like i have the right, thanks to internalized stuff, to call myself trans--but i feel part of the community whether i say it or not. and even though i don't mind 'she,' anytime my best friend refers to me with 'they' it gives me a little glowy feeling.

so, again, this might not be huge news for all of you. a lot of you have been my friends for years. but it's nice to officially add agender to my 'asexual queer-romantic' breakdown, and mentally expand the umbrella of where i fit, and with who. and it feels like well past time to do it publicly.