#i think i made a post or a tag essay once about dealing with anger being a recurring theme with zac's d20 pcs

[thevalleyisjolly]

On the one hand, Gorgug getting mad is exactly what Porter wants so stay chill (crab) king, you do you, but on the other hand, angry Zac PCs have given us such gems as "I need a fucking weapon" and "Is that feng shui!?!?" so if he does wind up telling Porter to knock it off, cut it out, you know it's going to be devastating.

[dragonindigo245]

Official post for my orange side theory

AND NO IT IS NOT WRATH OR ANGER

WARNING: Spoilers for Working Through Intrusive Thoughts. I'm not gonna bother adding the spoiler tag to this post because all the spoilers are going to be under the read more.

Also this post is long so be warned.

Back in early August of 2020 I came up with an orange side theory I have stuck with for a long time. I always found the orange side theory of wrath/anger to be odd, seeing as anger is an emotion not a personality trait, and therefore made an effort to try and discover what I can see the orange side being. In light of the fandoms response to the latest asides saying that orange being wrath is "now canon", I figured it was time to bring it back, along with new points and explanations.

What is the orange side exactly? The answer is simple. He might not be this exactly, but orange is naivety, irrationality, or the inability to see logic clearly.

This started when I made the connection to the dark sides being complete opposites to one another. For example, Janus and Patton are opposite ends of the moral spectrum, Roman and Remus are opposite ends of the creative spectrum, and Logan himself is on the functionality/rationality spectrum. The opposite end would be something like naivety or irrationality.

After that post, I made another a couple of months ago with 3 main points, the first being the opposite ends point. The other two points are just as important.

Point 2: It ties into the 3 monkeys theory

The recent episode confirmed the 3 monkeys theory, further solidifying this point. In case you live under a rock or are new to the Sanders Sides theories, the 3 monkeys theory is based on the whole "See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil" thing. The dark sides all have powers relating to each of these.

Janus has the ability to mute the sides (speak no evil), Remus has the ability to muffle the sides (hear no evil), and Orange has the ability to... make... their eyes pretty? I'm sure that we will get an actual explanation on how he influenced Logan in the future lol. Regardless, orange is definitely see no evil.

Now you may be asking, Indigo, how does this tie into irrationality?

Do you know what irrationality is? The inability to SEE the world clearly or to SEE reason or logic. Irrationality blinds you to reason itself. It makes sense, seeing as emotions are illogical and orange clearly did something to push Logan to an outburst. When orange provided his influence, Logan's eyes glowed orange, indicating he lost the ability to see purely logically. While, yes, orange did this with anger as a vessel, irrationality takes many forms.

Point 3: Color symbolism

Something that is frequently overlooked when fanders make theories about the sides is that each side ties into their color scheme in some way. Roman being red ties into him functioning as Thomas' romantic side, Patton's light blue tying into his gentle nature and trustworthiness, etc.

Orange is a color that is tied to joy and youth. Being naïve to the world around you crumbling down will often make you happier. While some naivety is great and can make you happy, in large doses it is a threat to your well being.

Point 3.5: How is this connection accurate?

A great deal of the plot in this episode, especially the endcard, showcases this irrational blindness to all of the issues the sides are having with each other. Throughout the episode, Logan keeps having to sacrifice his plan to help Thomas and then once Nico calls Thomas, Thomas doesn't know how hard it hurts Logan to once again be brushed off. In the endcard, Patton and Roman tell Logan that this is more important, not realizing how rejected Logan feels.

This isn't just happening with Logan either. Patton and Virgil have had some rising tension as of late as well. This is showcased the most clearly in this video when Virgil snaps at Patton and says "Oh thank goodness. You're giving him permission." sarcastically. Patton takes this as "I didn't know you would give him permission" whereas Virgil was meaning "He doesn't need your permission to feel good about this". Furthermore, each of the light sides have argued with each other individually in different episodes except for Virgil and Patton.

With Janus recently being more accepted, Remus appearing and hurting everyone, and the tension each of the main sides have... it's all going to fall apart. Nobody but the dark sides seem to notice this tension, not even Thomas. Why? Because they are being naïve. The orange side is either keeping them blissfully unaware or the very fact they are unaware is giving the orange side power.

What is the new point you mentioned?

This video with the orange side really got my gears turning. I began making connections that otherwise I didn't have the ability to make, or never happened to think of. The fact my theory has managed to hold up in a heavy orange side lore video only solidifies my confidence in this.

Point 4: The dark sides revolve around the truth

This theory is a little more of a stretch but if I'm right, then this is all the evidence I really need to confirm that orange is irrationality.

Janus is essentially the ring leader of the dark sides. He keeps them hidden until Thomas wants to be aware of them, with the potential exception of Virgil who we don't know when he was revealed to Thomas. However, each dark side has something in common besides witty remarks. They all center around the truth.

Janus and Remus are easier to figure out, seeing as Janus is literally the embodiment of lies and Remus has multiple times where it is obvious he provides the unfortunate truth. Remus being the bringer of truth is showcased multiple times, which I will only bullet point because this post is more-so about orange than him.

His line of "I would never hide anything from you."

Janus bit in Forbidden Fruit that goes "No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you."

Logan admitting Remus can help Thomas in his own way

Virgil on the other hand is harder. Unlike the other two, Virgil represents a completely different angle of this "truth theme". Virgil represents the fear of both the truth and the unknown. Why would Janus even need to even repress the dark sides in the first place if Thomas wasn't afraid of the truth that they were apart of him? Why would Thomas had admitted he didn't want there to be more dark sides after he asks if there were more of them if it were not fear he had more unwanted parts of him and fear of not knowing what they were?

Virgil knows Thomas' fears. This would have made admitting he was a dark side such a hard feat. If he felt Thomas was chill with the dark sides, Virgil could have instantly told Thomas he was in fact one of them. In a way, this makes Virgil the perfect bridge between the light and dark sides. The dark sides provide Thomas with the truth he needs or wants, and the light sides figure out how to handle it.

Point 4.5: What does this have to do with orange?

Orange would keep Thomas from the truth. While, yes, this is the exact same thing Janus does, Orange would do it another way. Janus makes Thomas unaware of the truth he KNOWS. Unconsciously, Thomas still knows what Janus hides. This makes it entirely different from how naivety works. Naivety would keep him from ever learning the information in the first place.

Furthermore, we saw that orange is potentially connected to Janus in some way. The very last thing we see in Working Through Intrusive Thoughts is the flash from Janus' eyes, to oranges eyes. This could be a slight hint at Janus and Oranges functions not being so far apart.

Or the writers just thought it would look neat. That too.

Is Logan the orange side?

I can say with almost 100% certainty the answer is no. We saw before each sides introduction, they manifested themselves in the other sides.

Janus silenced Roman in Accepting Anxiety Part 2, Remus manifested in Roman by giving him random unwanted outbursts (like the naked Aunt Patty line that Roman said he didn't know where it came from in the Christmas episode), and therefore it follows orange is manifesting in his own way.

Furthermore, Logan is not the type of character to turn evil. He has outbursts and is being beaten down but he would never snap for good. If anything, we have seen from Putting Others First that he would only appear as needed if he felt ignored.

Logan is not one to let his emotions make irrational decisions for long, and he almost always goes to make up for his mistakes the moment they happen. He always has Thomas' best interests at heart and has witnessed Virgil realizing force is not the way to go about it.

It makes no sense for his character and there is no reason for it to happen narratively.

Please note that this post is simply a theory and I do not wish to start arguments about if I am right or not. If you are going to provide counterclaims, please do so respectfully and do not clog my notes with your own essay. Thank you!

[rochey1010]

Hi guys, 👋 i just wanted to make a post about something that i feel is about to happen on the show, like i am completely convinced of this now.

I'm seeing major foreshadowing going on with Elu and what will be the outcome of the spoiler movie plot.

Ok, so something i've noticed with Eliott this season is that he's kinda in his own world. Yes i know they are showing his individualism and i'm happy to see that because i think he's a beautiful and complex character and deserves so much insight.

But certain things i've noticed in scenes and certain things i've heard Eliott say is starting to make me think we are heading for Eliott having his own rock bottom moment. I'm just gonna list some things that seem to connect for me.

• The hiding and lying really been highlighted with Eliott's arc. The almost casual way too. Like it's a habit and second nature. He's done it so much in my eyes to hide his true self that it's basically become a mask now. How he justifies these things to others and how oblivious he really is to how others see it too. How outside perspective is different from Eliott perspective e g. Lola calling him out with the urbex hiding, Lucas's anger when he was blindsided with Lola being in their home.

•For the first time ever with Lucas we see him at Daphne's party monitoring himself in regards to Eliott's mental illness. He's not monitoring Eliott and i have a theory on that. Lucas is so afraid of being a Lucille that he's passive with things that may be seen as controlling. So instead he tries to be cautious and make the situation about it being Lucas's choice and not a choice made for Eliott. I don't think it's an accident at all that Arthur walks up to Lucas and Eliott and wants to share a joint and Lucas who is cuddling Eliott and playing with his hair brushes Arthur off without saying what the audience is picking up on. For the first time ever we see Eliott chafe under this and we are aware that Eliott knows what Lucas is doing. Eliott tells him in an almost biting the tongue way to go and it's ok. And Lucas says these very telling words "Can i?" And Eliott says "yes Lucas" Lucas then happy kisses Eliott on the cheek and goes off with Arthur.

• The argument Lola wakes up to where we see that Eliott impulsive, forgot to let Lucas know what he was coming home to. Now i must say i don't blame Eliott for not doing this as the night was intense. And he'd just saved a girl from attempted rape and was prob up for hours with her and got very little sleep himself. But i also see Lucas's point too. Lucas is passionate. It's not out of character. It is part of who Lucas is. That is why he is a hedgehog. He is simply prickly and reactive. We have seen this throughout the show. He initially acts in a defensive way (hedgehog quills) and then he calms and deals. But again we see Lucas thrown off guard with Eliott and his impulsivity. So they are yelling and then Lucas says "she has problems" and Eliott tells him he has problems too, and Eliott acts offended that Lucas is being judgmental. And again it's a trait with Lucas too, and highlights again the group dynamics and the reaction to outsiders. Lucas accepts Eliott's illness but found it hard to accept his mothers. His love for Eliott changed his perceptive though as we see in S3. Lucas still shows that he has prejudices. He has made comments that are ignorant and unfair throughout the show e.g. mental illness, LGBTQ+, ableism with Arthur, Panphobia stereotypes etc. He just did it again with Lola. Like i said before, i play no favourites i see these characters as complex and when they're messy or flawed they are more interesting to me. So i have no issues when they F up. They're young, insecure, and it feels true to life. But yeah i notice with Lucas (again highlighting insulation in the group v isolation in outsiders) that Lucas has a moral view. If i care and love you i will accept you warts and all. If you are unknown and alien my quills are ready to go. And this is a direct contrast to Eliott who comes in and spreads his arms ready to hug the world. Even adopts furry animals. 😍

Then again something is said that shows how Lucas views his position with Eliott and his mental health. Eliott gives a hypothetical and says to lucas if he were in trouble Lucas would want him to be helped and safe, and Lucas says back. Yeah, but Lucas himself should be that person that should handle it. Now i don't blame Lucas. He loves Eliott so much and he wants him safe but i got subtle control out of that comment and an implication that Eliott can't handle himself. And we see the direct contrast the night before when Eliott, who the last time we saw in that hoodie with the hood raised, he was at his worst and crying in La Petite Ceinture needing rescue. But now he's the one that finds his power and rescues someone else. That he is capable, individual and has 2 feet.

•The mental illness talk with Lola and us learning more of Eliott's past. I loved this because we again see Eliott speak for himself. We get the much begged for past history of Eliott and his struggles. And he gets to impart wisdom and help someone else. That there is power in this friendship with Lola. For Eliott he not only sees the mistakes of his past he can rectify but he can be strong and guide someone out of the darkness he once found himself in. I find that incredibly beautiful and amazing character insight. But again it highlights how oblivious Eliott is to his actions on the one he loves most. His Lucas. Like i could write a huge ass post on Eliott alone and why he does the things he does, but i may get kicked off the tag if i do. 😄 but 2 words come to mind with Eliott and his love with Lucas.

FEAR: The fear of the past repeating and control happening AND the fear of being real and true because it's too much and you are a burden. And it all being rooted in his mental illness.

"i don't know how to control it and it is killing me"

Eliott tells Lola that his bipolar episodes can be quite violent. That there are funny ones (choc labrador thievery) and very sad ones (3 time attempt to take your life) like i knew his past was dark. (anyone that creates a refuge to release in and cry like you're still hiding, even from yourself and uses that as a coping mechanism?) Something horrible must have happened for you to resort to that.

And i've always maintained that Eliott is one of the darkest Even's, and France have not romanticised the portrayal of his mental illness in any way shape or form. He has snapped at lucas during his crash , had episodes where lucas can only watch him helplessly and love him regardless, his insta journal has been quite heartbreaking with his mental/emotional state, he sometimes won't take his meds, he'll hide his bipolar out of fear and run, he has his personal refuge, he's tried to take his life, he needs to get away and breathe, and he still has suicide thoughts even though he has Lucas. You have got to applaud the show with how they've handled Eliott and his illness. It's very real, and you may love someone immensely but depression doesn't care what they mean to you. They will be by your side but they can't fix you and love your mind to better health. You're still gonna have negative thoughts, you're still gonna slip and regress but having the one you love hold your hand makes it easier to navigate those scary moments. 👏

But through this something dawned on me. Eliott is sabotaging his relationship in his pursuit not to. And i gotta say i find that so sad. He's creating this love bubble, actually they both are, and nothing can penetrate the love bubble. That means fears and insecurities stay outside. He's lying and hiding to protect himself, protect Lucas from himself and keep Lucas from leaving him. Lucas is too but that essay is for another time. 😄 and he says to Lola that to love someone is to accept them even with their flaws. But he's lying to Lola too because he won't let Lucas see his flaws because it means Lucas leaves. 😭 we saw Eliott once open up to Lucas in S3 Lundi and the way Maxence played that scene was beautiful, because you see just how heavy being mentally ill is on Eliott. That he believes he'll just ruin everything around him

"things will change, i don't want them to but they will and it'll be because of me"

He can't keep eye contact with Lucas and his entire demeanour is one of wobbly defeat. You have never seen Eliott more vulnerable in this moment. His shame, embarassment, and self loathing is oozing out of his pores. He doesn't even want Lucas to have to deal with it, and his expectation is that the relationship ends here. And to add to that, he shows just how much he loves Lucas by saying how he can't bear to see him hurt or in any kind of pain. Lucas fights for them and Eliott has hope. But we realise that things don't just change overnight, days, months etc. Eliott still has demons inside him that tell him hurtful and toxic things that all people who suffer with mental illness go through. And when Lucas tells him he loves him there's still a voice in Eliott that says " for how long" and "you won't when you see who i am" i'm not exaggerating here. I deal with mental illness and it destroys your self worth. It is a daily fight and you kinda can see yourself as an alien in the world. It really has the power to twist your perception of the world in the ugliest way. FYI and TMI but when i had a severe anxiety episode that had crept up over years of denial and added to a huge life stressor. It lasted weeks before i accepted i needed help. I used to do what Eliott would do, and when it was too much i would up and leave, go to a nearby park and sit on the bench alone and sad. One time i looked up at the clouds and instead of seeing the beauty of nature, i saw mockery. I actually saw clouds laughing at me. 😄 no it wasn't delusions. It was simply a twisted perception of the world where there was self loathing, failure, and the feeling of powerlessness. I don't know why i included this, sorry for the discomfort. ☺️

But back to Eliott. Lola asks if things will be ok with him and Lucas. Eliott is like yeah and just throws out:

"He's worried about me, i have bipolar disorder, do you know what that is?"

Anyone else pick up on the emphasis Eliott does there in his relationship with Lucas. Brings it back to the mental illness and the oblivious nature of other things, like miss-communication and hiding things. Like Eliott's world in this relationship is "I have bipolar disorder" like that's a huge focus for Eliott.

Then they are comparing loves. Eliott telling Lola that "And i have Lucas, I can't lose this" we are actually hearing this from his mouth, and again, the reinforcement of the root of Eliott's insecurities. I can't lose Lucas. He has made my life better and makes the bad stuff not so overwhelming and scary AKA i'm afraid he will leave. So i will use my power to stop that from happening. She's sad and tells Eliott she had a Lucas (Maya) but lost her. Eliott tells her to find her Lucas and if she loves her she'll accept her. Which is obviously going to happen with Maya and Lola. She'll tell her the past which is connected to Lola's addict issues. And like Lucas, Maya's love for Lola will help her to overcome her pain and move forward, and Lola to find her light and not be so scared of her darkness.

• Every single time Eliott is asked by someone about him keeping things from Lucas. His answer is the obsessive "i want to protect him and i don't want to stress him or worry him" We saw it with Imane in S4 and we saw it with Lola recently. We add on the inner insecurities with "It'll be too much and he won't stay" and here's Eliott folks. 😔 We know he has an arc this season. Max said Eliott has a beautiful emotional journey, and that he helps the main with his past.

But one thing that every person who goes through emotional turmoil AKA Skam season main journey. It's called the moment that is the wake up call for the character. The moment that you are at your lowest and you must face yourself. Eliott can't be main as he's blocked but we are seeing that he has a lot of focus. So far he's in the show a lot and very active too.

We know that Elu's seasons long issues are being addressed finally. We know that Eliott himself will be addressed. What's one thing that has remained the same in Eliott and Lucas's love? The hiding things from Eliott and Lucas forgiving him AKA Lucas has never left. What's one thing that could be a very scary wakeup call for Eliott? Lucas leaving.

Now i don't think those scenes are throwaway at all, and i don't think the dialogue is either. They've slowly set this arc up since S5 for Eliott and the relationship with Lucas. Little stressors that just watching S5 you play off but now paired with S6 become very serious. I've mentioned some of them in other posts. We know the spoiler movie is coming. We know how lucas reacts to Eliott being honest and we can almost say how Eliott reacts = impulsivity and rebellion.

But the fallout? And i do think the story is going there guys. Which i'm fine with tbh, along with the conflict and the relationship. Saying it's just drama or out of the blue would be a humongous lie. This has been building for seasons and it is incredibly consistent with the relationship and the characters. Now i'd agree with fans if Eliott and Lucas were eternally blissful and then suddenly boom issues. But that hasn't happened at all. It's been tiny little stressors building up to the eventual crack, or my analogy = the bubble eventually pops.

So the movie happens, and for Lucas it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. His breaking point for him to end the relationship or leave Eliott. And it's Eliott's breaking point. We have his words, we didn't need them, let's be real, but we have them. He needs Lucas and everyone knows how much he loves him. Like that is not even debatable. Eliott is deeply in love with his hedgehog. But it's the wake up call to the relationship, and it's the wakeup call to Eliott. He can't continue this self sabotage and he has to face everything. But guys, Eliott really emphasised his need for Lucas. That ultimately tells me he's put his mental health on this need too. I think Eliott is going to be triggered and spiral. Like i'm sure of it now. And i think that is when S3 main Lucas will have his talk with S6 main Lola. I think she's gonna bring them back together. And i think that's what Flavie meant in her live "she helps him too"

I just wanna say i'm not gonna be in the tag saying Eliott or Lucas is a villain. I think it's sad when stress happens we pit the characters against each other. I wish the fanbase could be compassionate and empathetic. And you may not agree with what a character does but you accept that these characters are not black and white and they make mistakes, mess up and do stupid shit. It's the journey that we all go on and as other fans have said, growth is not linear.

Finally, god these posts are getting longer. I've lurked for so long and now my thoughts are just piling up. 😄 but yeah, i noticed some fans say that this Lucas and Eliott stuff should be over, they're together a year so should have dealt with their issues. Like i just have to say to that what?? Like relationship issues happen. You don't just fix them and bam happily ever after. The same issues can crop up throughout a relationship, because you are not just dealing with you as a unit but you are dealing with you as an individual too. You have the baggage the relationship causes and your carry on's that you yourself bring to the relationship. Your own personal issues and insecurities can continue to crop up causing problems.

Stressors can expose cracks, and that is what is happening. Denying and placing to the side issues like you'll deal with them later but you never do because you're afraid of the response thinking The relationship fails or you lose each other. Like think of anxiety. It's the ultimate result of not dealing with life issues. They build and build throughout life untill they become a disorder. These 2 haven't dealt with them untill now, and that's why they are coming to a head finally. And from a show perspective the format really limits them. Focusing on one main can't explore others and their issues, because the main has to be there. The only way you can do that is breaking format and Skam is quite strict with their narrative. What's happening with Eliott is a case of 'this is the best we can do' he's blocked but they want to give this beloved character the insight the fanbase has been begging for. They don't usually do this. Usually it's the main and his/her ensemble but this time it's the main + 2 part mains in Daphne and Eliott. The ensemble is background this season. And Eliott has an arc since S3 so of course they are going to bring these seasons built relationship issues to the surface and address them. They are wrapping up the old generation and handing over to new now. All these threads are being dealt with.

So what i said about stressors exposing cracks. Well here's a stressor? moving in together. Before Eliott lived alone, with his parents checking in frequently (prob his bipolar disorder) but he could breathe and be, and hide and be alone whenever he wanted. Now he's living with Lucas. And they love each other but there are teething problems. We saw them laid beautifully in S5, and being together only a year is really nothing. Most of that would be a honeymoon period, let's be honest here. And they have such an intense and emotional love. Like they are young (17/18 and 19/20) and have found the life partner they want. Just think about that, and the issues of that responsibility as well. In reality you don't find your life partner at that age. You really don't.

And people mess up. They make mistakes and they grow but it's not a full stop there. You make other mistakes and you mess up. And environmental triggers can happen that can make more mistakes happen, and can even make you regress. You fight in life. You don't sail through it. Does anybody? So yeah, oh sweet the lovebirds moved in together but moving in together has also highlighted issues not dealt with. Couples face tests. And importantly that "minute par minute" scene is now being seen in action. That means the bad times as well as the good. This relationship started in so much fear for both and i'm sorry that level of fear doesn't just poof away. We are seeing that.

Now i'm done. I really don't blame anyone if they don't read this. Even i'm ashamed at the length. But will i still post it? Yep 😄💜

[samsoleil]

3 17 23 for the spn asks. Please tag me @boykingsofhell so I see your answers <3

ask game

Thank you sm @boykingsofhell !! Putting question 3 at the end so that I can put my essay under the cut.

17. What’s an aspect of SPN people often point to as a flaw that you really enjoy?

the finale was good actually

Okay so. a lot of the flaws that people see in spn have been resolved in various posts about hbo spn but. something specific that people tend to want to resolve in hbo spn that I actually enjoy as-is is how the relationship between characters and religion. There is something to be said about religious trauma but there is also something very powerful about creating the space to analyse it without braining the audience with it. Cas off-handedly saying "Sam is, of course, an abomination" has stuck with me since age 13 (7 years!! heck!!) because it's casually said once and then almost never again, and we the audience are able to extrapolate the effects of that ourselves. Yes, it could be explored more, but I fear what it could have been in the wrong hands.

On a similar track, Supernatural suggests parallels between Sam and Dean and faith in an absent father, one for Dean and one for Sam, where

Dean has blind faith in John while Sam demands autonomy

Sam has desperate faith in God while Dean rejects the concept

but it doesn't demand that you Look at it. Sam doesn't need to carry a rosary to communicate his faith. He doesn't need to beg on his knees in the mud to demonstrate that he wants to be saved. Faith and doubt are integral parts of their character. The change in their faith and their doubt is interwoven in their character development.

23. If you could forget all of spn, would you watch it again? Why/why not?

Yes. Partly because I only have one brain cell and I share it with a friend of mine, partly because, despite everything, Supernatural has brought me a lot of joy at points in my life where I have had very little of it.

3. TFW: Sam, Dean, or Cas stan? I wanna hear your dissertation :)

I am a bitter Sam fan since (at latest) June 2015 (at earliest, mid 2014) and I will not apologise. I actually had to take a break after season 10 because seasons 6 to 10 made me so mad!! I couldn't do it anymore! 

Quick explanation for this is because I relate to Sam a lot and am also an eldest sibling, which means I can both project onto Sam and feel ridiculously affectionate towards him. 13yo me saw this 22yo and thought, is anyone gonna love this? and didn’t wait for an answer.

Long explanation below the cut.

Sam is my fave for a great deal many reasons but I'll try to summarise it in three points:

Excellent narrative

Relatable character

Wonderful to watch

1. Narrative

Sam has the most compelling storyline and character arcs of anyone in Supernatural. His storylines are compelling, multifaceted, and incredibly interesting to analyse.  Finding evidence for this can be easily done through the following steps:

watch the show

Sam is a story of someone who has responded to intense trauma due to circumstances beyond his control by choosing to be kind and compassionate. This is someone who has been told by everyone he knows that he is a monster not worth saving, and took that and turned it into a determination to make sure that nobody would ever feel that way again. In the earlier seasons, Sam defines himself by his anger while others define him by preconceived notions about his character. And he spends his entire life proving everyone, including himself, wrong. That he can be defined by his actions, rather than what he is or what people think of him. This is not only the best but also the only consistent narrative theme, which is very powerful of him.

He is a story of someone struggling to maintain his autonomy in a world that is determined to take it from him, and with that autonomy he decides to better the world around him. Interwoven in his character is the belief that your actions define who you are. And it isn't something that is easy for him to believe! It's a choice that he makes, sometimes rather desperately, that defines him just as much as any other choice. Which is why it's also SO interesting that Sam's autonomy is so frequently violated - because he believes that his actions define who he is, but so often his choices aren’t respected and he isn't the one in control of his actions.

2. Projection

All the above things are excellent reasons for why Sam is a good comfort character. Not actually because he's having a terrible time. But conceptually, he is strongly tied to the ideas that

people might say you are inherently bad, but they are incorrect

sometimes terrible stuff happens to you and that's not your fault

(this one only works if you love sam like I do) you can struggle with mental illness and still be loved

which are very comforting ideas. I feel comforted.

Furthermore, Sam is specifically a very comforting character for people who are queer, have siblings, and/or are religious. As a queer person, I'd like to point out that Sam is an excellent queer allegory.  Being told you're inherently wrong because of who you are and internalising it because the people you care about have said it? Being ostracised by your family because your fundamental character is different to what they planned for you? Feeling like you can't be honest with the people around you because if they knew who you really were, they would think differently of you? Also, he's gender. And apparently his gender on his licence was F on the official website so he has canonical evidence for being trans. He/they Sam. Gender neutral language for his past partners. Sam’s queer is what I’m getting at

And, importantly for me (and Dean), Sam is the person everyone with eldest daughter syndrome wishes they could be. He was distanced enough from his parental figure that he could cut through the veil of psychological manipulation to see the rotten core of abuse underneath. And he knows it! Early season Sam stands up for himself against his dad (and Dean) time and time again. Mid season Sam stands up for himself against the actual devil. Late season Sam stands up for himself against God himself. I want that for myself. I want to believe in my right to autonomy that strongly.

3. I am Looking

Listen. We all know that Sam and his character development was tossed to the wayside a bit (a lot) after... S7, I would say. But Jared Padalecki has fed us well. Even when Sam has no lines, he still has personality and character and thoughts and feelings and they're right there! on his face! in his whole body! He shows what he's feeling with everything he has, written on every inch of his skin, he responds so vibrantly to everything and it just feels so so real. Sam responds so emotionally and physically to the things that happen around him and it is just. so wonderful to watch. I am just full of affection for this character!!

Also. good to look at. I'm ace and Sam is the closest I have ever come to understanding the allo experience. Thanks for listening.

[riverstardis]

Aftermath - Chapter 3: “Maladies Of The Mind”

Summary: There’s no one who was affected by the Second Wizarding War as much as Harry Potter - or was there? An accidental crossing of paths in the Room of Requirement changes everything for the Boy Who Lived.

Genre: Angst

Tags: drarry, harry potter, eighth year, hogwarts, au

Warnings: guilt, ptsd, post-war

Chapter 1 - 2 - 3

AO3 | FF.NET | Wattpad

DRACO:

It was a few weeks into the new term and Draco was feeling worse and worse by the day. Guilt was weighing him down like the infinite darkness of a black hole. Everywhere he went he was greeted with glares and whispers. A small part of his brain begged him to take up McGonagall’s offer of someone to talk to; the rest of it knew that doing that would result in the loss of the little dignity he had left after the war.

 “I’m going to the library. See if I can finish that potions essay Slughorn wants by tomorrow,” he told his friends one Monday night at dinner after he had finished his food.

 “Draco Malfoy without his Potions done? Maybe the end is nigh after all,” Blaise said as Draco stood up from the table. Draco rolled his eyes at him and left the Great Hall. The truth was, he had finished the essay days ago. He was going to the library to find any books that would help him stop feeling enough guilt for all the death eaters combined. Not that most of them felt any guilt about what they had done, of course – most of them were safely locked up in Azkaban without any regrets at all.

 When he reached the library, he discovered that it was not as deserted as he’d hoped it would be: there were three Ravenclaw girls that looked to be in their first or second year sat at one of the tables in the Potions section. It’s a good job I’ve done that Potions essay then isn’t it, he thought as he walked past them.

 He chose a table as far away from them as possible and put his bag down. He wasn’t quite sure what exactly he was looking for, so he started looking in the household section of the library. These shelves contained books such as Magical Methods Of Maintaining Milk (Draco had no idea why a school library needed a book about breastfeeding) and Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide To Household Pests (Draco also had no idea why anyone would read that).

 After he had looked through these shelves a while longer, the only book Draco had found that even looked like it would be any use to him was Common Household Ailments and How To Fix Them but, upon an inspection of the index, he found that this book just contained things like headaches and minor burns. Draco, knowing he wouldn't find anything else of use in this section, moved on to the Divination section. Most of the books here were rather woolly and there was nothing that could help him.

 Draco knew when dinner was over because a trickle of students started to arrive at the library to work on last-minute homework before curfew. He wandered around the library looking at the names of the sections, trying to decide where he would find a book that would help. Eventually, he decided that the healing section might yield some results and went to look in there.

 The books in this section were a mixture of old and new. He flicked through a promising looking book about injuries of war, but it was very dated and, from what he could make out from the worn and yellowing pages, it looked like all it contained were faded drawings of gory injuries. Draco shut the book in disgust and carried on looking. Next, he picked up a relatively new book about head injuries and flicked through it. It was all about cracked skulls and brain damage and the 'delicate art of healing the brain' which, although he thought it was quite interesting, wasn't quite what he was looking for.

 Eventually, in the very corner of a shelf, Draco found a book entitled Maladies of the Mind which said on the back that it was about 'the topic of mental health that is so taboo and yet so prevalent in the wizarding world'. Draco flipped it open to the index and read the chapter titles. The chapter that caught his eye was the one entitled Dealing With Your Feelings. That looked like exactly what he needed so he took the book (along with the one about head injuries which he vowed to read later) back to his table and sat down.

 Draco opened the book and began to read the introduction. The book was written only very recently and the author, Susan Whisp, who was a half-blood and raised in the muggle world, said that among muggles the topic of mental health is taboo but among wizards, it's almost unheard of. He thought that made sense since Draco didn’t know anything about mental health and was sure that he’d never heard anyone talking about it. After reading the introduction he skipped straight to the chapter Dealing With Your Feelings and began to read.

If you are having overwhelming negative feelings, there are a few ways to deal with this. In some cases, just waiting it out will work but this is rarely the best way to deal with any mental illness. The best thing for you to do is to work to deal with your problems instead of letting them control your life. First, you have to think about what is causing these feelings to manifest inside you. This is the root cause of your problems and this is what you must address in order to feel better.

 Draco knew what the cause of his problems was: the war and his part in it. The overwhelming guilt he was feeling was as a result of all the lives his actions had ended. Now that he was thinking about it, he realised that he didn't even know the names of everyone that died in the Battle of Hogwarts. He wished he did so he could pay his respects to each of them and their families.

 One of the worst things you could do with an overwhelming feeling is bottle it up. You should never let negativity get the better of you like this. If you realise you have been bottling your feelings up, then you need to find a way to release them. This is a lot easier in the Wizarding World than it is for muggles as there are many more options for you. For example, if you are feeling overwhelming anger, instead of taking your anger out on someone, simply transfigure any old object into something you can hit or shout at to dispel your anger. You'll feel a lot better after this, I promise. Another thing you should do is find a place away from everyone where you can go if things get too much.

 That’s what he needed: a place to go to escape everyone. Somewhere where he could finally have some peace to think through his problems and deal with them without worrying about who was watching. He supposed he could use one of the unused classrooms – there were even more of them now that large parts of the castle were still in repair. Glancing down at his watch, he saw that it read 20:52, which gave him just over an hour before curfew. He decided he would go and look for a disused classroom that wasn’t in too much disrepair.

 After he went to Madam Pince to borrow the two books (he guessed that she didn’t trust him with them since she didn’t look too happy about this) and packed his things away into his bag, Draco headed out of the library and to the fifth floor of the castle, where he knew there were quite a few unused classrooms. This floor had a number of windows without glass in and as a result, in typical Scottish fashion, a strong wind blew through the corridor and whipped through Draco’s robes as he walked.

 He peered through the doorways of the classrooms he passed. One of them was completely unusable: it had a chunk of wall missing and a good part of the room was buried in rubble. One of them looked fine at first glance but had a horrible putrid smell coming from it; he covered his nose and mouth with his sleeve and moved quickly away from that one. Another had blood splattered along the far wall; that one made him feel sick to his stomach.

 By the time Draco had walked right to the end of the corridor, he hadn’t found a single classroom that was suitable for what he wanted – it seemed like they weren’t used anymore for a reason. As he began to make his way back to the common room, thinking that he would continue looking in other parts of the school tomorrow, he began thinking about what he actually wanted for his own space. He didn’t really have an exact picture in his mind, but he knew he needed to be able to relax and think. He wasn’t sure when the last time he had been able to do that was: for so long he was constantly looking over his shoulder, even at the Manor (he wasn’t sure he could call it home anymore) he couldn’t relax because ever since the Dark Lord had been staying there, it too served as a reminder of his and his family’s involvement in the war.

 Just as he was reaching the ground floor of the castle he stopped on the stairs. He had just realised that he knew exactly where to find the perfect room: The Room of Requirement. Although he didn’t know whether it would still work after the Fiendfyre, he knew it was worth a try. After a quick glance at his watch told him he still had 20 minutes before curfew, he turned and began to jog back up the stairs, heading to the seventh-floor corridor with the tapestry of the dancing trolls.

He paced back and forth three times thinking hard about what he wanted. I want a place where I can get over the war. Once he had done that he stood and faced the blank wall. For a moment he thought that maybe it had been destroyed by the Fiendfyre after all until the door started to appear on the wall. He felt relief wash over him as he pushed the door open and went inside, eager to see what the room would be like.

 The room could not look more different to what it had looked like last time Draco was in there. Last time he saw it he was on the back of Harry Potter’s broom, being chased by sentient fire and surrounded by the junk he had hidden among while doing the Dark Lord’s bidding. That sounded crazy even to him, who had lived through it all. He reckoned that if he told his 11-year-old-self everything that was to happen in this particular room of the castle, he would never have believed it.

 The room was a cosy size - not too big and not too small. The floor had a plush looking carpet. It was light grey, the colour of smoke. In fact, the whole room had the same mild colour scheme. In one corner of the room, there was a small sofa and in another, there was a desk with a small pile of books sat on it. The back wall of the room was lined with bookshelves. These are what Draco went to look at first. Looking through the books, he saw that there was a good selection of Potions books and several books on mental health among others.

 Deciding he would finish looking through the shelves later, Draco made his way over to the desk and saw that there were two books sat there, along with a quill and an ink pot. One had a leather-bound cover and the other sat open on the table. His eye was drawn immediately to the large lettering on the open page that said: Write your feelings down. Draco opened the leather-bound book and saw that it was empty – it was a journal, he realised.

 Just as Draco went to look at the open book more closely, a loud chime nearly caused him to jump out of his skin. He looked around for the source of the noise and saw a clock on the wall that had not been there before. It read 21.55. Five minutes before curfew. If there was one thing he knew for sure, it was that he could not be caught out of bed after curfew: he had only been let back into Hogwarts on the promise that he would not get into any more trouble. He ran out of the Room of Requirement and headed down to the dungeons at full speed, taking a few shortcuts that he had learned of in his sixth year.

 He reached the Slytherin common room just in time: as he entered, he saw the prefects getting ready to start their patrol. Panting, he rushed through the common room to his dorm, hoping nobody would notice him, and quickly went to bed, his mind buzzing with thoughts.

[onemanzerosquad]

New York Blackbeard Diary Pt. 3

Day 11.......Woke up.....Started my day getting breakfast then headed to my neurologist office to get my form from my job in regards to my restrictions. After, went to the library to print out documents in regards to a situation that led to someone purchasing something from a PayPal. Pretty much someone hacked into my PayPal and purchase a monthly subscription to watch a show smh. As I was heading to work, I thought about all of my problems and have decided to take care of all the problems. Feels like time is not on my side in my opinion and I can no longer deal with the bullshit no longer. As take care of the problems head on, I have no problem dealing with consequence even if my body limitations is at risk cause. I'm alone in this and that's no one fault cause everyone has their own problem to fix.

On on to the side story......2012.......

The new year started and I was in a long distance relationship. Unfortunately, It didnt last long. Obviously, communication was the cause of the problems. From there I was talking to girls got into a relationship but that didnt even last too. Then I saw her. Now I'm not gonna write her government name. So I'm gonna name her HopelessRomantic. Unlike every women I've been with physically, I actually found her online. I didn't expect her to give me a chance but she did. At first, we were back and forth breaking up and making up. Then mid year, she broke up with thru a inbox smh. She was right tho, I wasn't doing anything with my life and she felt I had no ambition. It's crazy because before she broke up with me, I wanted to let her know that I finally got a job lol. During that time til September, I was dating and talking to other women but at the same time trying to get back with HopelessRomantic. Then at one point, HopelessRomantic was going through a tough time. So I took an opportunity to help her out. I was making sure she was okay. Then one day there was a BWA (beach) reunion show and since I told HopelessRomatic about my backyard wrestling career, I invited her to the show. That day was interested as I got to see some of the guys even my first love and by the night, I brought her home and "Netflix and chill" happened lol. It was our first time doing something after 9 months of us knowing eachother. From that moment on we were back together but this time she trusted me and gave me another chance of love again. On to other things,in that year I started wrestling officially in BWA (Bronx). I had a chance to wrestle in RCW but I decided not to go. I knew I wasn't going to be comfortable there and plus the only people I would mostly trust would be the DIW wrestlers that I meant in 2011. Everyone else ehhhhh (the white boys weren't really there lol). BWA (Bronx) hands down was the best time of my backyard wrestling career. Holy Convictions Tag Team with Genocide, 4 aces, matches with Loco, Dixon, Dom The Don, my epic match against Gencocide that open everyone's eyes, and the match of the event of SuperShowDown (their Wrestlenania), against Joker. I had a epic time in the BWA (Bronx). Now back to HopelessRomantic. Our relationship was great. Our families liked us together, I got to see her often, I was working, the sex was great lol, and she even motivated me to actually go to college. The original plan was to go study Criminal Justice. Then December hit and after the hurricane, I came from chilling with a friend and HopelessRomantic send me a message on Facebook breaking up with me. There wasn't a particular reason. She wrote like an essay but it had nothing to do with me. I can only assume she wasn't interested anymore. So the year was heading to its end. So I decided to live it up with Black, Red, Green, and Blue Label with some 40s. Regardless of the break up, I still had good year.

Day 12.......Woke up and started my day with a cup of coffee. Went to my job to pick my check check my app to see how much since I started last week and today was pay week and apparently I got no pay listed on this week. So I can only assume my next check will make up for last week or something. Money is always with no value hard to get by but hey whatever. So went on my morning and TD Bank to fax the people apart of my dispute case and unfortunately the bank printing machine doesn't work doesn't work. So another Negative Nancy in the poison air of New York City. After work, I saw my Autismo crew (J God, Weirdo, and Porn Plug). Chopped it up a little bit and by the way F**K WWE 2K!!!!!

On on to the side story......2013......

2013 new year.....still working on and off. Surprisely, me and HopelessRomantic kept in contact regardless of the breakup. One day I brought her over just to chill. She got cozy which didn't bother cause she was single as was I. From what I remember, we were talking and it led to her being emotional and she was crying. So held her tight then boom......we had sex......The next day we were talking and I kinda express to her I wanted to get back together but she didn't want that. I actually cried but accepted and got over it. Probably like a month later, she got into a relationship with someone else which sucked even more. Other than that I signed up for a program that dealt with Digital Media and did well in the program. I was still working but not as much. My birthday but on that day I was sick (for about a week). After I healed, I started this new job that my guy Dirty Sandchez aka Eyevrows from Getaway hook me up with. It was an maintenance job. Did the job and all. July 4th hit and partying up drinking doing my thing. I woke up and got a call from HopelessRomantic letting me know that her Aunt passed. All I had was tears cause her aunt meant a lot The last time I talk to her was Mother's Day so the pain was more. I was mad and I played Dante's Inferno with anger. From morning til night, I beat the game. The one thing I notice alot that day was I had double vision that whole day. I would think that would be gone by the morning but it wasn't. After hanging out with my boy. I started to fall easily and constantly told I looked crossed eyed. By August my left leg felt like I or sprained it. August I finally hit the switch and started college. I was studying Mental Health/Domestic Violence Counseling. First semester went well. All As and 1 B. I even had my own little crew.

SIDE NOTE: One person in that crew ending up being my girlfriend (2016)

During the first semester I was still dealing with my health problems. Things got worse. My hands were so numb that I couldn't write. My double vision was there everyday and I had a hard time walking on my left leg. After going to the emergency room doing MRIs and Catscans and testing my strength with a group of neurologists and constantly hearing that I'm so young (I was 22), I saw a neurologist and he told me that I have Multiple Sclerosis.......

Day 13........Woke up, got ready, and speed walked to the bus stop to get to work. Unfortunately, I got a little late due to the bipolarness of the bus coming on schedule. When. I got to work, I couldn't punch in due to the app I punch in on couldn't connect to the server. After work, I went to see a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time and that was pretty much my day.

On on to the side story......2014.......

2014 came. I finally got my finally treatment after waiting for months for insurance reasons smh. I had to take it every week. I continued college by taking free classes inthe winter semester which was apart of Fall semester. As a result passed both classes with an A. From there my GPA was 3.6. With my education background with a learning disability, D equalivent grades, being in special ed classes, and receiving services due to my learning disability, for a guy with a incurable health condition that pretty much messes with your body depending on the central nervous system state, it was remarkable for something like that to happen. Spring semester hit and once again did my thing in classes, went on dates, and followed the routine of being on grind. Then the summer semester hit and I was offered to take a short summer class and I took it of course since it was free. That morning of first day of the class, I wanted to do the impossible and walked from my home to school (Albemarle and East 19 to Manhattan Beach). It took about 3 hours. Got to class on time and kind sat around or whatever. Some other people got inthe class and informed the professor that they were in the other classroom. For some odd reason I was more aware of a woman saying that then the others. Crazy cause that same woman ended up being my girlfriend by the end of September. We ain't saying government names. So her name for this post is Hermione (she likes Harry Potter). She had tattoos, smart, and she was honest for what I feel most of the time. Eventually the relationship didn't last and ended the same way.......a message. Her reasons made sense I guess (went too fast). Honestly I don't believe time should be a determining factor for a relationship to happen. If you feeling this person then give it a shot but that's just my opinion. Also, in 2014, I officially ended my backyard wrestling career against my friend, my brother, and my on screenplay rival Rodney Banks. It was the perfect ending to the legend that was called Heavy D.

Day 14.......Woke up. Gather some clothes and did some laundry. Sat outside for a little bit and headed back to the shelter and took a power nap. Woke up about 3 and watch One Piece Episode 901. I'm already current with the manga. So I'm basically watching what I already read. That was pretty much my Sunday. Plus I need all the rest for the upcoming days of this week. I gotta say, I'm slowly getting myself together to the point that people inthe shelter are noticing me more as hardworking individual. I'm always on the move and that's being notice and respected by people in the shelter.

On on to the tragic side story......2015

2015 started off okay. Winter semester was a success. I saw Hermione. But I didnt really give her attention after the break up but after we talked, we became friends and that was it nothing more. Spring semester came and I did my thing again and lived the college life but got a job. So now I'm get on my grind and officially had no time for much. Summer was here and my mother was working getting her passport to go back to Jamaica and see her family after years. One time I came from work and as usual expected my mother to be home since she doesn't like to be out late. She nevered came home which was extremely alarming. Call the police and I was informed that she was in the hospital in the city. Got to the hospital and use the phone to locate and she was in the 3rd floor ICU. I didn't know what ICU meant at that time but I knew it was something bad. Got to the ICU and saw my mother........Hospital covered with a bandage on her head as if someone bash a metal bat on her head. Come to find out, she had a seizure and fell on head in the street very hard. I was in tears. All I can remember was that the last time I saw her she told me that she was heading out. My mind was wtf like this ain't real. Called everyone I can call and every got the news that my mother was inthe hospital. She eventually got transfer to a rehab center in Far Rockaway Queens. Things seem to be okay. Then I come home from a hard day at home and I get phone call from a friend informing me that something happened and my younger brother didn't sound okay on the phone. Went to the hospital my mother was sent to. Her eyes was closed. Next couple of days saw her as the machine was helping her breath not responding or reacting inthe room. The doctor spoke to me and younger brother and pretty much said there a very little chance they can help. By October 12th. My younger brother called me and informed me that our mother died........

Day 15......Woke up.....Had to skip gym again. I had to get my mail and sent some emails. After, I went straight to work. After work, I happen to see a face I haven't seen in quite some time and we actually introduce our names after knowing each other for years. It's kind of cool knowing someone and finally just engaging in a conversation (just regularly). Then mailed my my money order to this One Shot Deal that I owe money to unfortunately. While on my way back to the shelter, I started thinking.....now knowing that just about everyone knows that I have Multiple Sclerosis......Hawk's Eye will be on me and my refusals from any assistance will make things a little more tough and edgier. So at this point, I have to be smart on everything I do. But I'm sure I'll get through this someway.

On on to 2016.......

2016 was here. After a hard 2015, I was able to keep the home, still work, made sure my health was good and survived a hard semester. I made the impossible possible. On the other hand, things were different. I started living somewhat a independent free life. I went to school, work, and party on the weekends. I was even going to the strip clubs and bars just living it up with my people. Eventually, I had this feeling like I needed to be what I was and I felt it was time to look for love again and I found it. No government names revealed. So her name was SoReal lol. I knew her since I started college (2013). We kept in contact and eventually we got together in July. It was love again. I haven't felt this type of love since my first relationship. She was smart, hardworking, and very determined to finish college. I was in love. When she felt she needed me, I was ready to help. We went on multiple dates. We talked all the time and we expressed that we loved each other. Other than love, I GRADUATED FROM KINGSBORO WITH AN ASSOCIATES!!!!! By September, I was city bound at City College. By the fall semester thing weren't good between me and SoReal. She distanced herself from me and with that I got less focus on school. Our relationship was so back and forth. When December hit, I got a letter from the landlord informing me that I must pay 3500 dollars in two weeks or I get evicted. So rent is not really being paid by my roommate, I'm barely getting thru college, and my relationship is a mess. As a result, I was still in relationship surprisingly, I pass my classes (barely), and I had to ask for assistance from this service called the One Shot Deal (where your whole rent is paid off but you got to pay back the money that was covered. 2017......would finally bring me to the limit.....

Not everything was meant to be......

Jikai........One Last Time. The Past From The Last View 2017 The Fall Of A Headliner

Mad King Recharging Arc

[tonystarktogo]

Listen, Harry Potter AU. Like third year or fourth with Tony and Bucky? Something happens and they meet and they get together? Up to you what houses, though Tony could easily be Ravenclaw, or slytherin, and Bucky could be Hufflepuff, or Gryffindor? Thanks!

Here’s the thing: I have been waiting my entire life for this AU!! (I’m exaggerating. Mostly because I’ve been in the HP fandom a lot longer than in the MCU…) Also I can picture almost every character, and especially Tony, in EVERY house which makes this choice very difficult. Full discloser, I’m going with tiny Slytherin!Tony and bulky Hufflepuff!Bucky purely for my own amusement. Please enjoy!

Also tagging @briefpaperexpert because we were talking about HP/MCU Xovers not too long ago. Not what I had in mind back then, but still :)

Warning: Bullying. Inter-house-animosities. Howard’s A+ Parenting.

The problem with Tony–well, one of the problems with Tony, if you asked Howard, which you really shouldn’t do–isn’t that he’s a Slytherin, it’s that he is tiny.

Actually, because we all know you’ll ask Howard anyways, being a Slytherin is also a problem. As far as that man’s concerned, nobody who isn’t a proud Ravenclaw is ever going to accomplish anything in his life. Unless you’re a reckless Gryffindor named Steve Rogers, then you can do no wrong. Which is not cool at all. Seriously, the guy has vanished one Dark Lord, it’s not like he’s Merlin’s secret heir or something. Everyone really needs to chill out.

But the point is, you can’t be a tiny Slytherin with fluffy hair you aren’t allowed to cut–lest your beloved mother gives you the Eyes of Disappointment–and a serious case of social awkwardness in a post Dark Lord world. It’s like getting a ‘Bully me please, I’m too small to hit back’ stamp on your forehead. That he’s a year younger than everyone else probably doesn’t help his case either.

Not fun. Not fun at all.

Tony is a Stark though, he’s not going to let a couple of petty children drag him down. At least that has been Howard’s advice on the situation–if you can call it advice at all. It’s definitely not helpful advice, though Tony knows better than to point that out.

He also knows better than to complain about his transfiguration essay being ripped to pieces by that asshole Rumlow, who thinks anyone not Gryffindor is scum he’s allowed and supposed to spit on as often as possible. That doesn’t stop him from opening his big mouth, because Tony’s never been good at taking things while lying down. Unless he’s been stunned beforehand. Which has happened alarmingly often.

By the time he makes it into class, he’s five minutes late, has no homework to show for and no explanation to give either. (Like everybody doesn’t know what’s going on, but does that stop his fellow Slytherins from blaming him for the 10 points Professor Hill docks him? Of course it doesn’t. Common sense isn’t as common as you’d think around here, Tony thinks bitterly, even as he accepts his detention without complaint.)

Detention isn’t so bad anyways. Keeps him occupied at least, considering that most of the homework is a joke–genius here, and hopefully the only thing he’s inherited from his father–and he doesn’t have a lot of friends to spend his free time with. If you can count the scary librarian Miss Potts a friend, that is.

Tony kind of likes detention actually. Sharing a dorm with four other guys–who’s only common interest seems to be their dislike of the ‘Stark kid’–means that cleaning the trophy room at night is a rare opportunity for some quiet, far away from other people. 

Only when Tony gets to the trophy at 8pm sharp–his mother has never tolerated tardiness–he isn’t alone. And he’s not- he’s not easily scared, alright, but the guy standing besides Professor Hill is a head taller than him and anything can happen once they’re left alone and Tony’s just tired, wasn’t prepared for this, can feel his heart racing painfully fast.

He barely hears a word of Professor Hill’s usual speech, has been on the receiving end often enough to be able to recite it by heart anyways, too busy staring at the Hufflepuff student with the bruise on his cheek and the stubborn glare. He’s clearly not happy to be here and Tony has a hard time to keep the sudden wave of dizzying panic at bay.

Things don’t tend to end well for him, when the people around him are upset.

When Professor Hill leaves them to it and the Hufflepuff finally–already–turns his attention to Tony, he’s confident he blacks out for a second.

“-you want?” the Hufflepuff–alright, fine, Bucky Barnes, let’s not pretend Tony doesn’t know exactly who he’s dealing with here–asks.

It takes Tony’s brain a couple of seconds to catch up and realise he’s supposed to answer.

“What?” he blurts, a little confused and a lot worried.

“Which side do you want?” Barnes repeats, a furrow between his eyebrows.

“Uh, left?” Tony points hesitantly.

Barnes stares. “That’s right.”

“I knew that!”

Merlin, this is mortifying. Barnes is chuckling now at least, which is good, probably. Better than anger at least.

They get to work then, Tony on the left–the right one this time–and Barnes on the right side of the room. It’s quiet for a bit, and Tony easily slips into the routine of the movements, lets his mind wander while he polishes trophy after trophy.

Barnes breaks the comfortable silence eventually, and not with a push or a shove like Tony’s half expecting him to, but with a simple question. In retrospect, he should have seen it for the trap it was.

“What did you do to get detention anyways?” Barnes asks.

And because Tony is an inexcusable idiot, is distracted and not really thinking about it, he is honest. He really needs to learn to work on that, he’s a Slytherin for Merlin’s sake! Where’s the fakeness and the amazing lying skills he’s been promised?

“I lost my essay to Rumlow’s pathetic desire to feel better about his sad little life by ruining mine.”

It’s only after the words are already out that Tony’s mind catches up with his mouth and he freezes. Shit. This was definitely not what he is supposed to say. Despite the different houses Rumlow and Barnes are in the same social circle–that circle being the all-amazing Steve Rogers’ fan club–and this can only end ugly.

Slowly Tony pirouettes on his heels until he’s facing Barnes who’s staring at him with a strange expression on his face.

“What are you talking about?”

Well, in for a sickle, in  for a galleon and all that. “He thought it would be funny to rip my essay to pieces,” Tony shrugs like it’s no biggie, like he hasn’t worked for three hours on that paper because for once the topic was actually interesting, “Professor Hill didn’t agree.”

Barnes is looking more and more outraged causing Tony to sink more and more into himself. Why did he have to open his big mouth anyways? They were doing fine, he might have made it through this detention without-

“Rumlow is an asshole,” Barnes growls–wait, what? “I didn’t know he was that kind of asshole though.”

He doesn’t ask why Tony didn’t tell on Rumlow, at least, which he is thankful for. Just shakes his head, grumbles something under his breath that Tony doesn’t quite catch.

Whatever. “It’s fine,” Tony shrugs.

“It’s not,” Barnes fires back with an intense conviction that catches Tony by surprise. “And I sure hope you know that.”

Tony blinks. “I guess?”

For some inexplicable reason that causes Barnes to roll his eyes and mutter, “Dear Merlin, not another one. Why is it always me?” which Tony should probably be upset about.

It’s hard though, when Barnes spends the rest of the evening entertaining both of them with fun stories about the things he’s done to get in trouble, which leads them to the impossibly righteous punk that’s Rogers–according to Bar-Bucky, he’s allowed Tony to call him Bucky–which leads to an intense discussion about the merit of pumpkin juice.

Privately, Tony wonders if this is what having friends feels like.

The really strange thing though, is that it doesn’t end there. Things don’t go back to normal after their detention ends. Suddenly Bucky is greeting Tony in the halls, walking with him when they head the same way, invites him into his study group–which, as Tony quickly learns, is not actually a group that studies–and it’s really weird. In a nice-kind-of-great way.

Bucky’s friends are a freakish mixture of scary and sweet, and Tony isn’t sure if they actually like him or just have accepted him as the stray puppy Bucky’s picked up one day–but he doesn’t mind terribly much. They smile at him and share their sweets with him and let him go on about how the latest potion recipe is actually not the most efficient one.

Also Bucky keeps spending time with him, even when his friends aren’t around. Tony isn’t even going to pretend he doesn’t soak up the attention of the other boy because that would just be a waste of time and energy.

Because Bucky is great. He’s even greater when he takes the ribbing for ‘hanging out with the undersized snake’ with a deceptively friendly smile and a mean Bat-Bogey Hex. Not that Tony needs someone to defend him, but that doesn’t keep the sappy warmth in his chest away when someone does.

All is well. Better than well even.

Until Bucky asks Tony to the Yule Ball and Tony startles so badly, he spills ink all over his parchment–and really, why does it always have to be his transfiguration essay?

Tony doesn’t say yes exactly, but it’s strongly implied in the blushing, stuttering, wide-eyed mess the question has turned him into.

[purple-socks-and-sandles]

My Horrific Psychiatric Experience at Shands Vista

PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS, OR JUST REBLOG IT. IT’S IMPORTANT. It might be hard to read, so be advised: this post deals with suicide, depression, and abuse.

I’m going to supply background, for any people who stumble upon this post because of the tags. My name is Sarah, I’m 15, and I’m generally a very happy person. I have two sweet dogs, an amazing boyfriend, a great family, and many kind friends. I don’t like high school, I get stressed by tests, and I’m involved in my school’s drama program. I’m a normal teenager. In general though, I love life. But when I was 12, I was depressed. I’d been depressed ever since my parents divorced in the third grade. I lived my life in a haze of apathy. I quit soccer and withdrew from my friends. I stopped reading, and baking became something I only did when my mom asked, instead of the pastime I used to enjoy. I missed school often because I had to fake stomach aches and colds. I couldn’t force myself to go to school, I could hardly leave the bed to eat or pee. I had started to believe that no one cared about me. My parents preferred my brother. My friends only tolerated me because of our small school. I even convinced myself that my dog didn’t love me. I remember some days I couldn’t even feel anything, physically or emotionally. I would hold my hands under burning hot water from the sink, desperate for any kind of feeling. I live in Florida, and there were times where ever though it was blazing hot outside, all I could feel was cold. 

I got more and more tired of life. All I wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up. I began planning my suicide attempt. At the time, there were men working on our house. I rode the bus, and I made the decision that, if I came home the day after Easter and they were there, I wouldn’t do it. If they weren’t, I would. I planned to take 14 ibuprofen pills. When I came home after Easter, the men weren’t at our house. My brother was, however. I didn’t know what to do. I decided to go through with my plan. I took 10, and then panicked. I texted my mom and told her what I did, but got no response. I texted one of my friends, and then I took 4 more pills, adding up to the 14 I had planned. I don’t know why I did, except that I wanted to go through with the entire plan. As soon as I swallowed the last pill, I realized I wasn’t ready. I walked over to my brother and told him what I’d done. He was 15 at the time. I had him call our mom while I called paramedics. They arrived, along with police officers. I made my brother stay home with our dog while I rode to the hospital alone. The lady paramedic gave me charcoal to drink, and it stained my teeth for 3 days. She asked me questions about my insurance and where my parents were, and tried to call my mom but got no answer. She left a message, and when we arrived at the hospital my mother and father were both there. My mother was crying, and my father was angry. They didn’t understand why I had done what I’d done, and I couldn’t figure out how to tell them why. They explained that I was going to have to stay in a psychiatric hospital. 

My parents are, for the most part, good parents. They knew I was depressed. I was in therapy. They were doing their best. 

Soon, I was hustled into a shuttle van for Vista, the psychiatric hospital I was being taken to. I remember during the drive, I was puzzled by the seat setup. It was a van, and I was alone in the back on the one seat they had. Two orderlies were in the front. There were multiple seatbelts in the back, and I remember thinking it would be easy for someone to strangle themselves. My mother was following us, and we pulled into Vista around midnight. They led us to a room, where we said our goodbyes and took the stuff I wasn’t allowed to have. I was led to the main room in the child ward, where I sat at a table and read a piece of paper. I think it was the rules. I don’t believe I was ever shown my rights. After the paper stuff was done, a male nurse led me to another room and took my vitals and talked to me. He then offered me some pills to help me sleep. I declined them, and he led me to my room. I was told I would have to sleep on my mattress on the floor so I could be on eye watch, because they needed to be sure I wouldn’t hurt myself. I was too tired to care. I fell asleep at around 1:30 in the morning, only to be woken up a few hours later for bloodwork. I fell asleep again, finally woken up for the last time at 6 in the morning. I wasn’t told what was happening, only to get up and get dressed, brush my teeth and hair, and get ready. I was barely awake when I heard some girl sobbing. She was being ;ed out of a room, and another person took her place. The next person came out crying too. I could hear yelling sometimes, and I resolved to not be hurt by whatever was in there. It didn’t work. 

I walked into a small room with a large table, surrounded by adults. An asian man in professional clothes stood by the table with a computer on a tall desk. He ordered me to sit at the front, and I did. I admit I had an attitude when I first walked in, but that changed quickly. The man, Dr. Mathew Nguyen, began to yell at me. I was in tears within seconds. I tried to talk back to him, to stand up for myself, because I knew what he was doing was wrong, but he only yelled more. He told the social worker, a man named Gary, to send word to the nurses that I was not allowed to talk to any of the other kids that day. I was to sit by myself in the corner at a desk, completely isolated. He ordered me out of the room after making me feel worthless, worse than I’ve ever felt in my life. The first day I was there, I sat at that desk and cried nonstop. I sobbed, and when I was too dehydrated to shed tears I cried soundlessly. Every time a nurse came to make sure I was doing my work I asked to call my mom. They told me no, I wasn’t allowed. I had no idea at the time that it was illegal for them to do that, that it violated my rights as a patient. I wasn’t even allowed that day to call my mom at the time that they allowed (8:00 PM). When my mom and dad came to see me later that day, I was a wreck. I’m sure my face was puffy and red, and my voice hoarse. They tried to comfort me, but eventually they had to leave, and I was all alone again.

While I was there, I was forced to write essays that demeaned me. I still have the essays, and could transcribe them if anyone was interested. At first glance, they seem reasonably. Subject matter such as letters of apology and how to gain my mother’s trust back. But reading the letters, it’s apparent that I was forced to write them to punish me. I promised to not go to extracurricular school events so as not to inconvenience my parents. I would never argue with her. But this wasn’t enough for him. I was forced to rewrite ‘How to Gain my mother’s trust back’ three times, and read it aloud each time. I was forced to write about how I was planning my own murder, why I get my feelings hurt so much, why I was crying, I am acting childish, and I judge everyone other than myself. I’ll post pictures of all the letters later, so that people reading this have a clear image of what I was forced to write. I remember I was forced to write an essay on why I hate my mother, but he kept that essay, likely so I wouldn’t ever have proof that he made me write it.

Every day we had to go to an hour of group therapy. The group was run by Mr. Gary, the social worker on the unit. We were supposed to talk about any of our feelings. I realized very quickly that they really wanted us to pretend we were feeling better. Once in group, I spoke about how I was afraid of Dr. Nguyen. The next day, when I went to my daily morning meeting with Nguyen, he screamed at me. He told me I had no right to be afraid, that I’d done this to myself. I realized everyone at Vista was always listening to what the kids were saying, even the social worker that we’re supposed to trust and that is supposed to be there for our safety. Vista preached that they wanted you to express your feelings, but they would punish you if you spoke about anything negative that you felt. 

The first couple of days I was there, I was put on Prozac. For any of you who know, Prozac has a long half-life, and takes a while to come into effect. Apparently, people at Vista weren’t satisfied with it after only 3 days of me on it, so they switched me to Celexa. Unbeknownst to me, after another couple of days they called my parents; they wanted to put me on Abilify. Abilify isn’t recommended for children unless they absolutely need it, such as an anti-psychotic. Dr. Nguyen wanted to put me on it because he was concerned about my rapid mood swings in the morning (me crying after he screamed at me). Thankfully, my parents are well informed. My mom called him out on this decision. “What are you thinking? My daughter’s crying in the morning because you scream at her. That’s a normal response to a traumatic event. What are you thinking, advising me to put her on Abilify?” My parents refused to consent. The next day, I was punished for it. I was sitting at my desk, alone, when the head nurse, a woman named Deb, came over. She starts ranting to me about how dare my parents think they know more than the doctor and her. She’s been a nurse much longer than they’ve been alive, even (I don’t believe she realized my parents as as old or older than her). She’s blaming me for my parents decision. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing. My parents are a social worker and a now-retired DCF employee. I knew she wasn’t allowed to speak to me about this, and certainly not allowed to blame me. It was a broach of conduct. When my parents visited later that day, I told them what she had said to me. They were stunned and angered. They told me later they chewed Dr. Nguyen out about his nurse blaming me for my parents’ choice.

It wasn’t just me he treated horribly. All of the other patients, the other kids, suffered. One boy, a huge, muscular guy who’s name I won’t say, was never allowed to sit with the rest of us. I was released from the desk after a few days. Dr. Nguyen never let this boy talk to any of us, not even in group. He made him sit at the desk all day, from when he woke up to when he went to sleep. And he cried nonstop. He was so, so sad. I smiled at him once and he only cried harder. Dr. Nguyen isolated him only because he couldn’t stop crying. One boy, who had an eating disorder, had a feeding tube down his throat. He vomited it up one day, and was scheduled to have it put back in by dinner time. I was talking to him at breakfast and he said it was so much easier to eat food without it. He even seemed excited to eat! But Dr. Nguyen forced him to have it put back in, even though he knew it was easier for this kid to eat without it. 

After two weeks, I was transferred from an inpatient to an outpatient. I only went to Vista during the day, and I was allowed to sleep at home. I was so excited! One of the days I was home, I wanted to wear a dress I had. I tried it on and I was so excited to wear it. My mom, however, thought it was too revealing. She told me to take it off, and we got into a huge fight. Finally, she said she would have to talk to Dr. Nguyen about it. I begged her not to, I was in tears about what he would do. She told him, and he yelled and yelled at me. I wanted to rip up every dress I had. He screamed about how I shouldn’t show off my body, and I wanted to exchange every article of clothing I had with baggy pants and shirts. I never wanted anyone to see me again.

The last day of my inpatient program, my mom told me in the morning before she dropped me off that I was probably going to be released, but Dr. Nguyen wanted to wait until he saw me to decide. It was true, though; I was being released.

But I don’t remember that. I don’t remember much of that day, or any of the two days after. Because here’s the kicker, the worst thing he did: He almost killed me. My mom came to pick me up that day, and she knew, from across the room, something was wrong. All the way home, I had a tremor in my leg, I was jiggling it, something I never do. I had no idea it was happening until she asked me if I knew I was doing it. I remember that, and that’s all. She says we went out to eat at a local restaurant that I liked, but I don’t remember. I don’t remember the ride home or my mom asking me questions or her phone conversation with my new psychiatrist. I don’t remember the ride to the hospital the next day, to see what was wrong with me. I don’t remember the doctor explaining to my mom that I was showing signs of serotonin syndrome, and that my serotonin levels were way higher than they should have been. All of this is a blank for me, except for the images I can piece together from what my mom said. She immediately took me off Celexa, and waited until we could talk to my psychiatrist to figure out what to do. If not for my mom, who is informed about medicines and side effects, I would have continued taking Celexa, maybe until it was too late. Dr. Nguyen’s care could have resulted in my death, the very thing he was “trying to prevent”. 

I left Vista worse than I came in. I could have died, and I was more depressed than I had ever been. Even now, 3 years later, I still have a phobic response if I see a man who looks like Dr. Nguyen. My heart starts to race, I feel light headed, and I feel so terrified. I had my first panic attack in Vista because of him. It was Sunday, and I’d been told he doesn’t come in on the weekend. But I heard his footsteps while I was eating breakfast (he wore heeled shoes because he was short), I froze. Terror poured through my entire body. I had trouble breathing. Even now, I still get scared at the possibility of seeing him again. I don’t think I’ll ever get past it. 

I want people to know what he did to me, to the kids under his care. I want this post to come up when people search him, so they know what he’s doing to their kids. I want to make sure no one is treated like this again, at least not by him. I don’t have a lot of power, as a kid, but I do have this. I can let people know what he did to me, and hope they show others, so that he never does to anyone else what he did to me and my friends. Please reblog this, show your friends, make it popular. Let the world know what kind of a doctor he is.

[welcometophu]

Anger Management 8

Twinned Book 1: Commit to the Kick

Anger Management 8

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Alaric manages to stay at ease until he gets into Amy Sanderson’s car to go home. He slides into the back seat with Drea, and his stomach twists at the thought of being trapped. He can’t ignore where they’re going, and why. Just going home would be bad enough, but this. This….

Corbin turns around from the front passenger seat, but Alaric doesn’t want to talk. Not now. He raises one hand and turns away, leaning his against the cool glass of the window. His phone is on silent. He’s cut off.

“We had a late night,” Drea says quietly, her hand lightly touching the nape of Alaric’s neck.

“Yeah, I saw the pictures all over the internet,” Corbin says dryly. “Drea mentioned who your roommate is, and I followed him and his brother on Instagram,” Corbin tells them. “You guys looked like you had fun.”

“Drea asked you to come,” Alaric mutters. “You didn’t. You don’t get to argue about not meeting my friends.”

He can’t see him, but he can feel the way Corbin tenses, and knows exactly what he looks like with his lips pressed tightly shut.

“If you were there, you could’ve gotten me on your shoulders. We ran out of guys to hoist us up,” Drea says, her tone forcedly light.

“But you did go on stage,” Corbin points out. When Drea makes a small noise, Corbin keeps going. “You were hanging out with famous people. Someone posted a video and tagged Thorne. It looked like you were having fun.”

“And you were stalking us,” Drea retorts. “Next time just be there. It’s easier. And yes, I’m pissed off at you now, because you’re acting like an ass. So turn around, face front, and leave Alaric alone. Stop acting like a sulky child.”

Something thumps, and Alaric imagines that she shoves at Corbin, pushing him until he turns away.

The car slows, and Amy’s voice is sharp. “All of you, stop it, unless you want to get out and run or fly home, because I’m sure a thirty mile race will do you good right about now. If you’re planning on staying in my car, be civil.”

Alaric lets his eyes close, tries to ignore the music that thumps inside the small space when Corbin turns the radio up. The song is vaguely familiar, and when Drea starts singing along he isn’t sure if it’s something he heard last night, or maybe one of Rory and Thorne’s songs. He mutters under his breath, pulls his hood over his ears and pretends it actually helps block out the sound.

As soon as they get home and Amy stops the car, Alaric pushes the door open and stumbles out. He doesn’t wait for Corbin or Drea, storming up the steps and pausing only long enough to hug his mother. He extracts himself from her grasp before Corbin and Drea can get there, and heads upstairs to leave his hoodie behind on the bed before he leaves via the window, with wings.

It feels good to let the eagle take over an fly, circling above the land. He takes his time on the way to the graveyard, where his father waits by a partially dug grave. Theobald lies on the ground as a giant wolf, with paws folded, head raised and nostrils flaring as he sniffs the air. He snorts as Alaric lands and returns from eagle to human, kneeling on the ground.

Theobald growls, and Alaric scowls at his father. “I know,” he says. He should be better at this, able to go smoothly from one animal form to the next. He should be consistent, staying within one context, but he’s not. He’s bird, mammal, reptile all at once. Alaric is who he is, and no amount of desire can change that. He closes his eyes, lets the bear slip under his skin, and roars in his frustration.

Theobald huffs, and leaps into the grave, and Alaric follows suit.

Alaric manages a few handfuls of dirt with the bear’s paws before he pulls back and stops, lets himself fall back into his humanity, sitting against the edge of the grave.

Theobald barks sharply, but Alaric shakes his head. There’s a shovel nearby; not everyone has a form that digs, but everyone is welcome to help bury a lost son. Alaric heaves himself out of the grave to take that up instead, then hops back in the hole. He strips off his shirt, throws it to one side, and begins to dig.

This. This is what he needs, the sweat and ache of a brutal workout with a purpose. He pushes himself, throwing shovelfuls of dirt out of the grave, almost as fast as his father digs with his huge paws. He tosses it out, then digs again, pushing deep, taking up a little more soil each time.

This is where Orson will rest.

This is where it all ends, where he’ll lay his brother down for the last time. This is where they will leave Orson behind, where he’ll go without returning.

Alaric growls under his breath and digs again, the muscles in his back burning from exertion.

“Give me the shovel.”

Corbin sits cross-legged on the edge of the grave. Theobald ignores him, keeps digging, and Alaric tries to do the same.

“I said give me the shovel.” Corbin slides into the grave and Theobald leaps out, stands with feet splayed and head low, growling. Corbin ignores Theobald as easily as he always has, his attention solely on Alaric.

Alaric doesn’t stop.

“Hey.” Corbin reaches for the shovel, ducks back when Alaric swats at him. “I have just as much right to bury Orson as you do. He was like a brother to me. You have paws. What am I supposed to do, peck at the dirt?”

“He was my brother,” Alaric growls, voice low and rough in his throat. He pitches the dirt over the side, and Theobald shakes his head, ducks away from the edge. Alaric pushes the shovel as deep as it goes, uses his foot to plant it further in and then leans on the handle like a lever. His brain supplies the physics of it, seeing it like an engineering problem, and tears prick at the corners of his eyes.

Fuck this. Just fuck it.

“And you’re mine.” Corbin grabs Alaric’s arm, holding on when Alaric tries to throw him off. Corbin crowds close, backing him up against the side of the grave. It’s much deeper now than when Alaric began, the edge smacking Alaric between his shoulder blades. Corbin gives him no room to move, bracing him there with his slighter form, hips wedged against Alaric, hands planted in the dirt to either side of his shoulders. “You’re my brother, and I’m going to do this for you,” Corbin says, voice low.

“It’s not the same.”

“Fuck you, Alaric, it is the same. Because how do you think I’d feel if this grave was for you?” Corbin shoves at Alaric, but there’s no place for him to go.

Alaric shoves back, sends Corbin stumbling to the other side of the narrow hole. Corbin straightens up, a glint in his eyes, and Alaric attacks again, throwing a hefty punch. Corbin ducks under his arm, grabs him and twists his wrist until his arm is behind his back, bound up and painful as Corbin pushes Alaric face first into the side of the grave. Corbin’s weight is heavy against Alaric’s back, and Alaric is ashamed how good it feels.

Theobald growls a warning, deep and low. Corbin doesn’t let go, just tugs on Alaric’s arm until the ache in his shoulder is brutal.

“I know you want to punish yourself,” Corbin whispers, breath warm against Alaric’s cheek. Alaric is all too aware of the way his father’s ears prick, wolf’s ears probably hearing everything. “I know you want it to hurt. I know you, Alaric, and I will not let you dig this grave for yourself along with Orson.”

Alaric pushes backwards with his hips, but Corbin twists his wrist until Alaric howls from the pain. He bows his head against the dirt; tears prick the corners of his eyes and he jerks ineffectively at another growl from Theobald.

“You can’t bring him back,” Corbin says softly.

And Alaric can’t replace Orson, either. Alaric can never be what Orson was. He can’t be perfect, he can’t get along with his father. He can’t be the heir that he’s supposed to be.

There is nothing that will ever make him good enough. Make him Clan enough.

“It should be me,” Alaric growls under his breath, and he lets the change wash over him.

It’s quick enough that the eagle slips from Corbin’s grasp, wings flapping in Corbin’s face as he pushes upward. Corbin stands in the grave and doesn’t follow, while Theobald howls in anger.

Alaric isn’t going to go back down.

He circles long enough to see Corbin take up the shovel and dig. Theobald leaps back into the hole and uses his huge paws to make space. Theobald and Corbin work together, Theobald loosening the dirt while Corbin throws it, shovelful by shovelful, out of the grave.

Alaric wheels in a large circle, and flies away.

He stays in the air until his body aches, until he knows he needs to become human again to eat and rest. He flies in through his still-open window, shrugs back into his hoodie and pulls it close around him. When he inhales, he smells remnants of his life at PHU lingering in the fabric. Rory, Thorne, Chris…. He holds the air in his lungs for as long as he can before he has to set it free.

There’s a plate lying on his nightstand with cookies that are still warm from the oven, and another plate loaded with slices of freshly made mozzarella, as well as grapes and orange wedges. Alaric gratefully eats as he pulls out his phone, skims through his messages.

He has one from Chris that simply says you doing okay? Alaric almost skims past it, but he opens it and looks at the space waiting for a reply.

No, he types. But I will be. I’ll be at OPT for dinner on Sunday, if that’s okay.

The reply comes quickly. Brothers are always welcome, even when you don’t live here. See you then.

It’s a relief the way Chris doesn’t say text if you need me or any other reminder that he’s waiting for Alaric to talk to him. It’s a relief the way he mostly lets him be to grieve.

He skips the texts from Thorne, and the notifications on his Twitter that he’s been mentioned a few hundred times. Social media has never been important, and right now he really doesn’t want to deal with it. He checks his grades—an A- on the essay for Magical Studies, which he’ll take, considering the amount of ranting that he did. He brings up the text stream from Rory last, stares down at it like it’ll somehow answer itself.

How’s it going?

Alaric touches the words, huffs a sigh. It’s crap, but I’ve dug as much of the grave as I’m going to. I’m done.

Dots appear and disappear like Rory’s typing and erasing, over and over. The text finally chimes.

Do you want to talk about it?

Alaric almost sets the phone down, but he types out his response slowly, carefully instead.

Not really, no.

Then he drops the phone on the table and picks up the plate, setting it down on top of it. He knows its there, will be able to hear it chime when someone tries to reach him. But out of sight is out of mind, and that’s what he needs right now.

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