#i think i even figured out some healthy coping mechanisms that work for me

[galindatopland]

ocd is a fun disorder bc during adhd screening i had some like insanely long test and i knew exactly which questions were ocd related but those specific ones either didn't affect me or i straight up lied bc everything i'm p sure is ocd i never want to discuss with a psychiatrist or anyone at all. cool!

[julietcpulet]

Jinmao: Not a shojo romance

I feel people who come to Apothecary Diaries have a shojo expectation of the romance. Given that’s what the anime is labeled as, makes sense. Guy and girl are gonna meet, maybe misunderstandings and some bullying and awkwardness, a kiss and then bam, romance. Nope that’s not how this one works. If you read the light novels, you know. It’s twisty and complicated and not at all quick to work out. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth sticking around for. The anime has actually done incredibly well fleshing out that dynamic within a shojo / seinen context and even adding other aspects to it that I really appreciate (the moment in the gif is one of them, her checking for fever isn’t in the LN). That being said, there is more to it and in a time where we’re used to instant reward Jinamo isn’t a payoff you’re going to get right away, or close to soon at all but if you’re someone who can appreciate growth and crumbs then maybe their journey might be for you.

So let’s lay out some perspective (spoilers below):

Jinshi went into the rear palace at around age 14, had to suppress his manhood with drugs and has been leered at by older creepy women and men his whole life while having to deal with the sex lives of others, including his own father. Maomao was mutilated by her mother, abandoned by her father and even when he came back it had less to do with her and more to do with his obsession over her mom. Her sisters pushed sexual acts on her to make her understand being a courtesan, they left her alone until she learned to be emotionless (she wasn’t born autistic, it’s learned behavior and coping mechanisms from no one caring how she felt) and her adopted father took her in but even he can look at her in a disturbed way due to her intellectual curiosity. Her intensity with medicine and bent towards self-harm are due to a lack of self-protective mechanisms because no one was there to protect her in childhood. There’s evidence even to suggest that she only experiments with poison in an effort to feel something and as she beings to feel more emotions in a normal way, she experiments on herself less and leans more towards medicine in its simple form for healing and not in poison. Luomen may have taken her in, her “sisters” kept her around, fed and did what was necessary for her but no one gave her the love and care she needed. It’s why she views love in a cynical, dismissive way and very much thinks she cannot or almost should not experience it.

With Jinshi, he has had no healthy relationship with a woman since he was young. Older women are predatory towards him due to his looks, he’s watched both his “mothers” be consorts their entire lives and waste away due to jealousy, political issues and lack of affection and Suiren, while affectionate can treat him too much like the palace prince, alternately spoiling and disciplining in a way that’s dehumanizing. He didn’t have a father figure, we can argue about Gaoshun but he frequently mentions wanting to return to his own family and end his assignment with Jinshi, not to mention his exasperation, so to me the implication is while there’s a mild affection for having seen the young boy grow up, he doesn’t consider him family. So overall Jinshi has spent his whole life being watched over by strangers who feel no particular attachment to him while simultaneously getting leered at by inappropriate court women and men.

With all of these factors between the two combined, expecting these two to have a fluffy relationship is unrealistic. They were stunted emotionally, forced to grow up too soon, abused verbally and physically in different forms and traumatized. Left without real parental or friendly support, given no emotional tools to navigate the world and told to figure it out themselves. It’s a miracle they’re not weirder than they are or more horrible to each other. They’re two people who’ve spent their whole lives having no one give two cares about them as people suddenly have one person who’s very intent on knowing them for them and that is not something either is used to. Maomao’s seeming disinterest in Jinshi isn’t about him, it’s about his position. Everything else that has to do with him personally she takes note of, his habits, his moods, how he responds to her, even the smell of his incense, those minute observations tell us she cares enough to consider him. With Jinshi, he is like the young boy who teases the girl at first because he likes her. He wants to get a rise out of her because she’s so disinterested. But that doesn’t stay forever. He’s a boy who’s had to act like a twisted version of a man his whole life but finally been presented with the opportunity to actually be a man for once in pursuing a woman he likes. When Jinshi decides to actually go after Maomao in earnest, his maturity grows too.

Maomao’s telling herself that things don’t affect her isn’t “truth”, it’s her way of deflecting, if she says it then that makes something true that likely isn’t. Examples being, acting as if she didn’t know Jinshi’s identity for the longest time, same with Loulan and how at one point she says she barely feels pain then almost cuts off her own finger before Jinshi stops her in the epilogue of LN 4. The whole moment is brought up to correlate her crying over the loss of her friends, being out of the palace and away from Jinshi but acting like she doesn’t care to her then over-experimenting and almost harming herself. This mimics her mother and Lakan’s twisted beginning but the sense is the same, Maomao doesn’t know how to deal with emotion so she pushes it away and excuses it as something else. The point being that she’s a hurt young woman dealing with a lot in not the best way and Jinshi has his own way of dealing with things too, usually by being a bit childish. When they manage to make breakthroughs they’re small but meaningful.

Their interactions can be uncomfortable at times because these are two characters who aren’t comfortable in their own skin. One had to fake being 5 years older than he was and the other had to be a parent to the only ones she’s had and those around her so acts like she’s 10 years older than her own age. Ironically as they’re interacting with each other they’re finally getting to be the young adults they never had the room to be. So yes that petulant, sometimes aggressive and childish back and forth they get into can be uncomfortable because it’s just two young adults trying to figure out what love, friendship and partnership actually might look like as they never saw it modeled properly or have experienced it. It’s awkward, slow going and imperfect but interesting if you’re willing to stick around for it.

Like Maomao running her hand through Jinshi’s hair or him kissing her on the forehead while she’s sleeping and having Suiren prepare her a bath after exhausting herself. It’s moments that show a mature, measured kind of affection they’re growing into together. It also exemplifies the different kinds of affection they show. Jinshi is more the outwardly affectionate type, expressing a want to marry her, giving her the hair stick, even the brand to prove he’ll allay her fears, while Maomao’s affection is expressed in how she cares for Jinshi, worries about his health and is thinking about him when she doesn’t need to. Different but equally complementary and necessary.

Remember too this is set during an imperial dynasty, there are going to be weird complicated roles and things we don’t see play out in the modern world now. And yes while the author could just have said throw that out and had them have an unrealistic romance across societal lines, I’m glad she’s made it realistic in how they’re struggling to make it happen across the boundary of the imperial society they live in.

Lastly, it’s fantasy. If some of the things these characters did happened in real life would they be “toxic”, maybe, although we could argue about that too but it’s not real. This is a fictional couple so sometimes I think people just want to stamp their modern view on it and say it’s a certain way when they can’t or don’t want to see the larger narrative at play. Believe me, if he really did assault her, or was a pedo or doing something completely gross I wouldn’t be writing these long monologues about them being even an interesting fictional couple. Because I do think there’s a line to be drawn in books, I don’t even like most romantasy today because the MCs are too disgusting and the FMCs unrealistic for me if that says anything. But this isn’t real life where a lot of us wouldn’t even talk to someone like Maomao who’s burning her arm on a regular basis for experiments, we’d be telling her to get help. It’s a fictional couple in a fictional world where there can be more twisty plots and that’s ok because we don’t need to take it so seriously. Watch the anime, read the light novels and enjoy it for the mental break it’s all supposed to be. Let those who enjoy the romance enjoy it and if that’s not for you then hit fast forward and there’s plenty of mystery to be had. That’s the good thing about Apothecary Diaries is it kind of has a sprinkling of genres for everyone. As for me, I’ll be excited for every Jinmao crumb along the way and writing these I’m sure annoyingly long rants I’m glad if anyone reads 😂

[creature-wizard]

Someone once asked me how I use psychology in my witchcraft, and I never got around to answering it. So I figured I should do that.

The basic answer is that I ask myself, "does this take advantage of something we know about how the human mind works; or might it have psychologically unhealthy consequences?"

For example, I remember reading somewhere that washing up can make people feel as if they've been emotionally or spiritually cleansed. So if someone asks how they can move past a bad point in their life, I'm probably going to recommend some kind of bath or shower ritual.

I also know that our subconscious minds process information and often come to fairly reasonable conclusions without our even realizing it. So if someone's having difficulty making a choice even after doing the best possible research they can, or where there's just no objectively "best" choice, I might suggest using a pendulum to sort it out.

I know that the brain tends to internalize repeated information, so I'm down with healthy affirmations.

I know that people respond to symbols, both consciously and subconsciously. So if someone wanted to feel more confident, I see no reason why creating a spell jar full of things associated with confidence wouldn't provide some benefit if they kept it in a visible place.

I know that energy healing practices can at the very least help people relax. While I would never, ever suggest that someone pays huge amounts of money or uses energy healing in place of evidence-based medicine (never use anything to replace evidence-based medicine), I'm down for using the techniques on yourself or on your friends, or watching ASMR reiki videos on YouTube.

And on the other hand, I don't really put much stock in spells or practices that target an unaware third party. For example, I don't think death or misfortune curses are especially likely to work. I also think that in some cases, they might just reinforce a fixation on revenge that actually hinders the caster's path to emotional healing and finding healthy coping mechanisms.

So yeah, that about sums up how I view magic though a psychological paradigm - I ask myself how a technique might take advantage of something we know about the human mind, and whether it might have psychologically unhealthy consequences.

[girl-lostconnection]

hallo love your work it's so delicious. I also love how you show emotions. I wanted to tickle your brain for a sec if you don't mind (no pressure). What would happen in your AUs (like the acceleration au) if the reader was more um- violate like when simon decides oh this stranger yep he's going in the bed with us, (even if mind you she was chill about the strange man before if a bit hurt) she gets stern and simply tells him to get out of her house. That if he wants to bring his soldier fine- but that is not her problem that is her home her life. Also I saw you had a fic of gaz with what was basically a gym rat reader and omggggg it's so muahhh. I love strong reader.

Finally got to your ask, anon. So I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of days now.

I think the reason why Reader doesn’t outright put her foot down or why nothing too rash actually happens from ANY side of their throuple is from how slow it all burns. The temperature is going up degree by degree, so the frog doesn’t jump out of the pot.

Now, if Simon tried to ram his way through her stating clearly and plainly that she’s uncomfortable with something, than yes, it would be a recipe for a disaster.

But yk the AU works only because these guys listen to each other. Simon knows Reader and Reader knows Simon and Johnny knows Simon and Simon knows Johnny and Johnny tries to know Reader.

The AU works because they try to get attuned to each other and not because one or all of them try to forcefully slot themselves into each other’s lives.

I get where your question is coming from, I’m just explaining my thought process behind the structure of their relationship.

So their relationship however strange it may seem works because they are adults that while have some unhealthy attachments or coping mechanisms are still capable of processing their own emotions and giving each other space.

I know that I don’t go into too much of a detail exactly how it works/feels/goes between them but for me personally that’s part of it. In life for me oftentimes relationships can get complicated and sometimes you do in fact realise that the person you called best friend for years is actually the person you love.

Also, sometimes when coming from a not very fortunate or healthy family you may not know how different types of love feel like. You have no model to take example from so yeah, sometimes it’s a lot of stumbling around and nuzzling into people and taking time a shit ton of time to figure it all out.

And while I get that Simon may seem really annoying to some people, for me he’s actually really endearing because in this AU I understand him perfectly. He’s a man, he has some issues he never worked through, he dislikes conflicts and tries to avoid them, he takes the coward’s way out because he hopes maybe things will fall into place on their own.

And I understand Reader because she loved him all her life, she never said it, she always dreamed about the life that she wasn’t brave enough to live, she’s really jealous that Soap was brave enough to do what she didn’t, she feels ashamed that she’s jealous, she made mistakes, she hates that she did, she is difficult and isn’t sure she’s worth this much trouble. It’s okay, she is. You are. All the trouble and effort.

All worth it.

And I understand Soap. I think I understand him the best out of them all. He’s jealous, he’s used to work himself to the bone, he’s incredible aware, he’s insecure, he’s feeling like he could be left behind (he wouldn’t be), he likes Simon, he likes Reader, he has different needs than Simon or Reader have and he’s not sure how to voice them. He’s there but is he really present? Is he wanted? Is he needed? Is he loved? He isn’t sure. He doesn’t know whether he should ask.

So the thing is that they are all difficult and complicated and multidimensional and honestly, I love the three of them so so much.

Even if they stress you, guys, out sometimes

[wardenbloom]

List of Fics I've written so far

It has come to my attention that I have written here a handful of fanfics (mostly lads). So for easy navigation, I'll put here the link and the summary and a little author's note.

Feel free to browse, mostly these are just short stories I thought of in passing lol and I mostly write about Caleb or Zayne -- sometimes Rafayel.

Caleb

For Whatever's worth - link

Author's note: My silly attempt at student x teacher age gap fic that I doubt I thought of very well.

As I fall - link

Author's note: Short Story; I had a crisis between Zayne and Caleb, hence, this fic.

Summary: Nia, Zayne's friend from college, have been in love with him for years already. However, Zayne couldn't reciprocate as his heart is for another, attempting to move on, Nia decided to have a sexual relationship (friends with benefits) with a stranger (Caleb) which could end up good but also could end up bad but it really didn't matter to her. Eventually, she found herself comfortable with Caleb's presence.

Warmth of you - link

Author's note: Caleb's mind is really fun to write. Big chances are he doesn't have a healthy coping mechanism if he loses his love.

Summary: Caleb lost his love but his unhealthy coping mechanism made him hold on to her even after death.

Unearthly Cohabitation: link

Author's note: I wrote this when I was drunk and I was seeing things....

Summary: Erin found herself in a cheap apartment where Caleb's soul still lingers. Desperate to get Caleb's annoying ass out, she helped him pass on by doing the things he regrets when he was still living.

Zayne

The flowers are in full bloom today - link

Author's note: Writing this, I really want a blind MC for Zayne because he is one of the most caring people out there, you know? And caring for people with disability imposes a challenge for him since he seldom handles such. So here, I made a blind MC who is not dependent on anyone but Zayne still wants her to depend on him.

Summary: Ringo became blind after an accident and she had been working as a ghost singer and song writer. She gets lost easy as her vision is impaired. She met the kind doctor who shares the same interests as her and was kind enough to help her out when it comes to menial tasks.

A walk with you - link

Author's note: Wrote this way back even before lads was introduced to the market. Back then, I didn't have a male lead to give the role to then I saw Zayne... suddenly, I had an idea.

Summary: The grim reaper had always been impartial. Walking together with the souls of the dead had always been his goal. However, there are deaths that he just thought that were too early. So why? Why are there deaths that seem early?

A mermaid's gift - link

Author's note: Okay, this one I got a bit creative. This whole story was inspired by one of the characters in Honor of Kings -- Dolia. Her passive in game is that she has a mermaid's gift that she could give to a teammate. Anyway, here, I enjoyed writing this (probably cried to while writing). Zayne as a sick teenager... my heart is so soft for him!

Summary: Zayne's sickness had been getting worse and no cure was yet to be found. For his 16th birthday, he jokingly wish to have a mermaid friend but his father took it seriously. The mermaid grew fond of Zayne and they later on had many memories together.

Within Grasp - link

Author's note: A story to gift to my IRL friend who lured me in game lolol.

Summary: Ongoing series; Zayne had been looking everywhere for you. And finally, he figured out that the real you was hiding behind the screen they call reality. With that, he paid a great price to cross the boundary and to at least be a part of your life. But sometimes, he wonders, what could possibly go wrong with committing the taboo of crossing the fine line of reality and fiction?

Burden - Ao3 Link

Author's note: Okay, here I was just thinking that maybe some NPC was in love with Zayne, enough to actually fight for his life since he's just throwing it all away for the MC. This has around 50k words so I just uploaded it on ao3 for easy viewing.

Summary: Luciel, the Lieutenant of Silent Forest, fell in love with a doctor who will never see her the same way. Nevertheless, she still decided to save him from his prophecy even if it could cost her her life. After all, giving him the rest of his lifetime in this universe... would suit the world far better than letting her live.

Rafayel

No title - link

Author's note: I literally just made this from the attached meme!! I was like "Oh this sounds Rafayel..." hahhahaha

Summary: Just Rafayel and reader's toxic relationship that somehow lasted and always ends up with sex.

My Beloved Muse - link

Author's note: The idea popped up when I was staring at the loading screen from the unending "verifying files" thingy in game...

Summary: The immortal Rafayel's memory was badly eroded. While he couldn't remember who was it that he loved deeply, he found himself drawn to a specific painting that somehow makes him feel at ease... as if the person in the painting was someone so familiar to him. Desperate to unravel the feeling, he decided to sculpt the woman from the painting, unlocking the eroded memories he had.

Sylus

Partake - link

Author's note: MC BEING A BI-CURIOUS GIRL IS IN MY BUCKETLIST!!

Summary: One shot; Visiting the Onychinus Base, you found a woman that had Sylus's looks. Somehow, you can't help but feel attracted to her which ended up with you questioning your sexuality.

[ravennaortiz]

Summary: After a year of working on his recovery and getting clean. Coco comes home to prove to you that he can be the man he once was. What he doesn't expect is to find a new person in his home.

Word count: 2k+

Coco had spent the last year working on himself. Reflecting on his bad habits and coping mechanisms. Lamenting over some relationships that were lost while trying to figure out how to salvage others. He had signed himself into rehab and had been attending weekly meetings. He had even gotten a therapist to work through some of the darker shit he couldn't face alone.

He had been completely clean for three hundred and sixty- four days. He had never felt more alive or like himself than he did right now as he walked up your stairs. Almost a year it had been since you asked him to leave after he broke in scaring the shit out of you in the early morning of New Years Day. He had lost his keys and had been on a week long bender and couldn't remember much. Gilly had shown him the camera footage and he had never felt more ashamed. He was also lucky you had missed when you fired the gun.

Coco took a deep breath. The words you had stated echoing in his head from your last phone call a year ago. -I love you Coco. But you scared me and are scaring me. Your not the Coco I know anymore. I'm not ending it. I will wait a year and if you can become the Coco we all know and love again then we just continue on. If you can't.....then I have to move on.- He was ready to show you the new Coco. A new year and a new me he thought to himself as he knocked.

“Hey man. Come on in” greeted Gilly as he pulled Coco in for a hug.

“Uhh, hi” murmured Coco puzzled as he hugged Gilly back. His eyes locked on Angel who was sprawled on the couch drinking a beer and looking just a little too comfortable for his liking. Coco swallowed hard and took a deep breath as his fists clenched at the surge of jealously that was coursing through him.

“Relax. Not what you think” stated Gilly firmly as he caught the hardened look on his friends face and the clenched jaw. “Ya girl would never hurt you like that and neither would he. You know better”

Coco nodded after a moment and made his way over to Angel to greet him before movement on the stairs drew all three mens attention.

Reader POV

“Coco will be here in ten minutes” whispered Angel from the doorway of the nursing as you sat rocking your baby while she finished feeding.

“Thank you. I’ll get her to sleep then be down” you murmured as you glanced up at him. Your eyes filled with worry and nervousness. You had been wondering if this was the right way for Coco to find out about your little girl. What if it set him back? What if he jumped to conclusions? What if he resented you for keeping him in the dark about her? You had done it out of love for him, knowing he would not have focused on himself and getting healthy and clean if he had known you were pregnant. But still you couldn’t stop that small nagging voice. Then on top of that you had roped his two best friends into secrecy as well as the club he called family.

“You did the right thing. He will see that” stated Angel as he read the worry in your eyes. “He would have wanted you to be focused on that little bundle of joy right there and he will understand why you did it.”

“I hope you are right Angel” you replied with a soft smile as you glanced back down to your little girl. Her sleepy smile making your chest warm as you looked over all features seeing Coco in so many of them. You nodded as Angel told you he would be downstairs with Gilly.

“Your daddy is going to be here soon my sweet girl. I’m so excited for you to meet him finally. He is such an amazing, sweet and kind hearted man. He would move heaven and earth for you and I” you murmured as you stood swaying a bit to mimic the rocking chair as you moved to the crib.

Once you had settled her in you quietly worked on tidying up before going to your room to change. You were lost in thought in your bedroom when you heard the knock on the door. Your heart sped up and tears welled as you made your way to the stairs. You had missed your beloved so much this last year and while you were nervous and scared you couldn’t wait to see his face or be in his arms.

Coming down the stairs you could feel all three men’s eyes on you. “Coco” you whispered as you took in the man before you. Gone the vacant blown out pupils, splotchy, scabbed skin. He was no longer washed out and hollow looking, his hair clean and short. His clothes clean and fresh looking. In an instant you were down the stairs and wrapped around him.

Cocos POV

Coco grunted at the impact of your body against his as you launched yourself onto him. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around you, squeezing you tight as he buried his face in your hair. Breathing in your comforting scent as you two just held each other for a bit. He couldn’t help but fill pissed at himself for having been missing out on this for a year.

“I’ve missed you so much” murmured Coco as tears started to wellup, voice cracking as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m so so sorry love.” He stated as he heard you start to sniffle as you squeezed him tighter. He smiled when he heard you say I love you but then his heart raced at your next sentence “I have something to tell you”.

Coco swallowed hard as he stepped back some and took your hands in his. “You can tell me anything. I won’t be mad or upset” he replied as he squeezed your hands gently as he smiled at you. You returned his smile and nodded towards the couch. Once you were both seated and Angel and Gilly had taken a seat in the chairs he watched you curiously place a hand on a box on the coffee table.

He grabbed it gently at your instruction to open it. He swallowed hard as he removed the pink ribbon and lifted the lid. His eyes taking in the contents of the box, mind trying to put it all together. A pregnancy test, ultrasound photo, picture of you with a baby bump between Angel and Gilly, a picture of you holding a newborn baby in a hospital room with Angel in the background and then what appeared to be a more recent photo of you four.

Reader POV

You couldn’t help but rub your hands nervously together in your lap. Eyes locked on Cocos face as you watched him take in the boxes contents. Face scrunched up as he tried to put it all together correctly. The silence in the room was so loud. Your mind racing as you tensed up when he glanced up at you. “We have a little girl Querida?” he inquired quietly his eyes locked on yours. You nodded as tears started to slip from your eyes. Your body shaking from all the pent up anxiety. Coco nodded as he looked back into the box and picked up the baby shower photo before looking to Angel and Gilly. “You two took care of my girls?” you heard him inquire. When both men nodded Coco thanked them before setting the box down and grabbing your hands. “Not to be an idiot that’s asks how did a baby happen” he chuckled making you all laugh as well. The tension evaporating as you began to tell him.

Coco POV

Coco sat and quietly listened to you tell him a story that he thought he knew but apparently only knew a part off from the night that everything changed for him a year ago. That week he was gone you had been getting sick and went to the doctor only to find out about the pregnancy. You had come to the clubhouse crying and looking for him but hadn’t told anyone what was wrong only that if they saw him to send him home immediately.

You had then went home and planned out a little surprise for him for when he returned to announce it. The thought had never crossed your mind to end the pregnancy. You had hoped that it would be the push he needed to get his shit together. Three days later on New Years Eve you heard from him finally. A simple text saying on his way. Hours passed and the sun faded into night. Finally you turned the lights off, showered and went to bed. Only to be awoken in the early morning hours by pounding on the door and yelling. Startled you had grabbed the gun he kept in his nightstand as you called Angel who lived the next block over.

By the time he arrived with Gilly the door was broken from its frame and the living room had been trashed. You were sitting on the stairs sobbing, the smell of cordite in the air. Coco winced at this part as he hadn’t realized at the time you had fired a shot at him. He had heard motorcycles and in his drug addled mind thought it was cops and fled through the back door.

Angel had worked on calming you down, getting the gun out of your hands as Gilly looked at your camera footage and the went looking for him. Only to come back empty handed. In the chaos the test had been knocked across the room and Angel found it while he and Gilly worked on cleaning up and fixing the door the best they could for the night.

By this time you had decided you would have to give an ultimatum and were working on writing it out when the two men appeared in the door. You had begged and pleaded for them not to tell.

The next day Gilly had met up with him and showed him the camera footage while Angel sat with you. Waiting for Gilly to text so that you could call Coco and give your ultimatum.

Coco nodded before looking back up at you. “Thank you for giving me a chance and making me a dad. I think you know this but I do not deserve you at all.” Turning to Angel and Gilly he took a deep breath before speaking. “Thank you both for stepping in and helping out. I don’t deserve friends like you too. You didn’t have to do any of this and I’ll never be able to repay you”

“Don’t get me emotional. You know I get puffy” stated Ange las he fanned his eyes dramatically making you all laugh.

Readers POV

“You can go see her. Can’t miss the nursery” you murmured as you patted his knee and jerked your head to the stairs. “I’’ll walk you two out” you murmured as you looked to Gilly and Angel who followed your lead and stood.

“We will be at my house. Call if you need us” murmured Angel as he kissed your forehead after Coco had disappeared up the stairs. You locked the door and turned the lights out before making your way up the stairs.

You stood in the nursery watching Coco watch your daughter as she slept. Little coo sounds escaping from her sleeping form as music played softly from her mobile. "Do you want to hold her?"

"I.." started Coco as the lump that had formed in his throat started to choke him up. Wiping at his eyes he took a deep breath. "Can I ?" His eyes on yours as he turned to you. You nodded as you moved to the crib, kissing his cheek before picking up your daughter.

"Hold her like this, Support her head" you explained as you handed her off to him. You watched the two as tears formed in your eyes. Your family was finally all together. While you felt guilty for Coco not having known about your pregnancy you knew it was for the best to help him focus on himself.

"Hey....I'm your dad" whispered Coco as he stared down at the baby in his arms. He was fascinated by how small she was and how much he already loved her. "My bad for not being around these first months....I had to get my shit together for your mama. I'm not going anywhere ever again" he stated as he looked up at you.

“I’m sorry” you started as tears once again started to spill.

Coco’s POV

“Hush” murmured Coco as he met your eyes. “You did the right thing. Don’t ever think you need to apologize about this.  And because I can practically see the racing thoughts in that pretty little head. No I do not hate you for it and I never could hate you for anything. I’m not mad either. I’m in awe of you and the resilience you hold that allowed you too take a risk of possibly being a single mother that had led me to holding a beautiful baby girl right now.”

The two of you spent awhile in the nursery before moving to the bedroom. Changing into pajamas and slipping under the covers he pulled you into him. Neither of you were sleepy yet so Coco had you walk him through the pregnancy and the last year. Holding you tightly from behind as he watched the photos and videos you played for him on your phone.

It was crazy how much could change in one year thought Coco to himself as he watched a video of your daughter giggling and babbling away. Yeah he could get used to this.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hello! In one of your previous posts you mentioned the game purposefully hiding the faces of figures who play a significant role in each OB boy’s trauma. So do you think this applies to Idia's parents as well (they have masks to cover their faces and they don't even have separate sprites but the default STYX members' sprites)?

[Referencing this post!]

There’s a lot to unpack here, so I’ve put my thoughts under the cut!! I hope you enjoy reading ^^

***Note: Many spoilers for books 6 + 7 of the main story!!***

I definitely wouldn’t put the Shroud parents into the same category as like… Mrs. Rosehearts, who was basically the origin from which other issues stemmed. The Shroud parents themselves were not the “root cause” for Idia’s trauma, the “cause” was Ortho’s death and Idia feeling immense guilt and shame about it. Not once has Idia blamed his parents or implicated them for this misfortune (not counting the Shroud curse, which is really the fault of their ancestors and not the Shroud parents in particular). I guess where some fans feel there is an issue is the implication that the Shroud parents did not seem to be there emotionally for Idia or offer him healthy coping mechanisms for his issue??

Before I give my thoughts on why the Shroud mom and dad obscure their faces (and how this does or doesn’t fit into the “purposefully obscuring the faces of those significantly related to each boy’s trauma), allow me to offer a different perspective to those who find fault with Idia’s parents. Firstly, consider that we know very little about the period of time between Ortho’s death leading up to Idia enrolling at NRC. Even then, most of what we know of this period comes directly from Idia, which provides us with a biased and limited perspective. Idia views most things negatively and does not seem close with his parents, so it makes sense that he would describe them in an inflated and unflattering way.

I think where a lot of the initial thoughts about the Shrouds being bad parents (a sentiment I myself had prior to their book 7 reveals) predominantly comes from them not being present in Idia’s post-OB flashback and Idia stating that his parents care more about results than their son’s feelings. We also learn from later that the family used to go out a lot as a group, but those trips stopped after Ortho died. These heavily imply his mom and dad were not there for Idia after the… incident. But let’s back up for a moment; where does the flashback pick up after Ortho died? Over two years later. That’s a large gap to not be knowing what the Shroud parents were doing during it. The STYX employees present also state that Idia has “completely withdrawn” ever losing Ortho, and this could be inclusive of the parents. So… we don’t really know for sure if, during this expanse of 2 years, the parents never made an effort to reach out. Even if they did, it seems highly likely that Idia rejected them. It’s possible that the flashback didn’t feature the parents because Idia largely shut them out of his life or did not deem them to be deeply linked to his trauma; he laments only the general family curse and the loss of Ortho, he does not direct hate at either parent in the flashback.

What we also have to remember is that it wasn’t just Idia that lost a brother that terrible day. Mr. and Mrs. Shroud their sons; Ortho literally (he passed away) and Idia figuratively (as he started to emotionally distance and isolate himself). That’s tough for any parent, but the world cannot stop for them just because they experienced a tragedy. Unfortunately, life moves on and the Shroud parents are in such important positions that they need to work. This is especially true of Mr. Shroud, who oversees all of STYX operations and is burdened with a curse that demands he constantly be surrounded by blot or else the curse will start to chip away at his own magical energy. They need to do this while juggling their own sadness over losing Ortho. There’s only so much time the Shroud parents can try to comfort Idia when they have work, their own emotional trauma to work through, and their surviving son who doesn’t seem to welcome any efforts they put in. You could even theorize that the Shroud parents (particularly the dad) threw themselves into work to try and bury their own feelings. The Shrouds do obviously have a responsibility to Idia as his parents, but parenting is not so easy of a task. They’re still individuals who have other things to balance alongside parenting and they realistically cannot dedicate 100% of their time or energy to Idia.

Now, please do not misunderstand me. I don’t want my words to come off like I’m pointing fingers or victim blaming. What I’m trying to say here is that it isn’t Idia OR his parents’ fault that they grew distant; to me, both parties were busy dealing with their own complicated emotions and their coping methods didn’t seem to align (because different people can have very different trauma responses) and ended up hurting Idia even more in the end. Making mistakes is human and normal. We've seen other characters also falter with their past actions and what they were or were not able to do at the time (Trey not standing up for or to Riddle, Lilia acting callously towards his children, etc.). This by itself is NOT necessarily a bad thing or something to hate on them for; I'd argue that what matters much more is how those matters were dealt with and what the results of those efforts have been. In the case of the Shroud parents, they do not appear to have bad blood with Idia or Ortho in modern day and the game has really done little to indicate that the Shroud parents should be viewed in a morally grey light. They've welcomed Ortho as a part of their family, openly refer to him like a third son, supported his official enrollment as a NRC student, and worry about his safety when Ortho tries to rush headfirst into danger. As for Idia, though he sometimes grumbles about his parents and tends to their actions as coming from a place of not caring, his peers have pointed out that being scolded is proof of his parents’ love for him. For example, Idia complains that his parents have sent him back to NRC so they don’t have to deal with a “nuisance” like him. He also says that there has been public interest in STYX and demand for accountability, which has specifically put his father under fire. We could view the situation like Idia has—that has parents wanted him out of their way. However, as Rook so tactfully pointed out, Idia’s parents must hold deep affection for him. This implies that the Shrouds chose to send Idia back to school for his own safety, and Mr. Shroud was willing to take the full brunt of the heat himself rather than let people suspect his son, whom Mr. Shroud must know is socially anxious. Idia has plenty of other stories about how his parents punished him for dangerous tech modifications he made, and how they’d take away his gadgets as punishment. Again, because they care about their children and their safety, even if they (especially his more stern and work-oriented father) may not show it in conventionally affectionate ways. Idia has pessimistic views that color his parents as annoying and isn’t as close to them anymore as he used to be, but this doesn’t condemn the Shrouds to the eternal hall of bad parents who never ever learn or refuse to change their ways.

Now, about their outfits! Mr. and Mrs. Shroud wear the same robes as NPC staff at STYX. This much is true!! … But I don’t think there is any deep meaning in this, seeing as Idia too wears the same robes?? I believe this is just the default work uniform for STYX researchers, regardless of the position they’re in (so this uniform detail does not technically contribute to the “intentional obscuring” of the Shroud parents’ designs).

We don’t really know what the reason for them wearing the helmets is, and nor is there very strong implication as to why. There have been plenty of fan speculations and theories including but not limited to: special personal protective equipment, magical enhancement gear, general Shroud family shyness, cost/time saving measure for the devs, etc. I can’t really say one way or another which is the “most correct” idea 🤷‍♂️

What I will say is that I do not think there was an intent to hide the Shroud parents’ faces for the same reasons that Mrs. Rosehearts’ face was. Why? Well:

Their faces are not censored in the same way as Mrs. Rosehearts was in the manga; she has her face shaded out by black, but we can still see the details of her outfit. The Shrouds, meanwhile are making the conscious decision to wear helmets—and highly personalized helmets at that. (Mr. Shroud’s helmet is different in colors and design than Mrs. Shroud’s.) This indicates individuality and wanting to make the Shroud parents stand out, not to homogenize them as anonymous black blots at which the OB boys’ trauma finds its roots.

To build off of my previous point, the comment about purposefully obscuring the face of the "source" of Riddle's trauma was ONLY said in the context of the manga, NOT the game. Therefore, in-game assets cannot be considered reliable for "the Shroud parents wear helmets to hise their faces; hidden faces = source of an OB boy's trauma" theory. If you doubt this, then please refer to each boy’s post-OB flashback. In the game, it is not just the sources of their trauma that are blotted out in black, it is literally every character (even the ones with positive memories or experiences associated with them). This includes Trey and Che’nya, whose younger form faces ARE openly depicted in the manga. So again, the “obscuring the faces of characters who are major trauma sources” thing only applies to the manga and the game does not follow this.

The Shrouds are largely depicted in a positive light. The negative aspects of them tend to come from Idia, who tends to have a pessimistic slant to his perception of the world and other people.

Idia’s personal accounts and even his post-OB flashbacks do not attribute or credit his parents for any aspect of his trauma. Much of the guilt and shame he feels is self-imposed and directed at himself.

As I’ve pointed out earlier in this post, we are assuming a lot of things about what happened in Idia’s life following Ortho’s death. The downside to this is that it doesn’t grant the parents any grace and takes everything we see (as little as it is) at face value without considering alternatives or how the parents could have changed in recent years.

Again, we don’t have a lot of information on why the Shrouds wear the helmets. I don’t think it’s wise to assume it’s for a bad reason when most of the canon has indicated we are supposed to “like” the Shrouds (or, at the very least, they’re supposed to be “redeemed” compared to the initially negative comment we were given of them).

In conclusion: no, I don’t think Idia’s parents are wearing their helmets because they’re associated with their son’s trauma. To me, the helmets feel like something they must wear for some in-universe purpose such as additional protection or to indicate their role within the organization.

[jacksdinonuggets]

#8?

Big Kid's Get Little Breaks

Summary: Vaggie regresses voluntarily after not regressing for a couple of months. barely any angst at all. manly just fluff.

It has been 2 months since Vaggie had last regressed. The Hotel had been very busy with new guests and Charlie was busy with new ideas. There was barely any time to even cuddle. With her plushies or with Charlie, there was still no time. But that wasn’t the only part of it. She really wanted to regress, but she’d only get about 1 hour of free time. That was barely enough time to get into her headspace and then get out of it. Besides, she needed to figure out some other coping mechanisms. Like flying! Charlie would have to watch her and she would only be able to fly for about 15 minutes before getting tired.

However, Charlie noticed Vaggie getting a bit tired and overwhelmed. Everyone was. But she knew that her partner needed some extra support. So one night, as they were winding down, she decided to bring it up.

“Hey hun?” Charlie asked after an extravagant conversation about the process of Pokemon evolution. 

“Yes, Charlie?”

“When was the last time you regressed?” 

Vaggie was a little hesitant. She didn’t want Charlie to be disappointed in her, but she should always be honest with her partner. It was good for their relationship. She reminded herself that Charlie would most likely not be mad or upset. 

“Umm, like 2 months ago I think?” She answered truthfully, “Haven’t had the time,” 

Charlie frowned. Had she been giving Vaggie too much workload? Or has she been overworking herself? The princess was concerned for her partner. Freaking out wouldn’t do any good though.

“That’s not good or healthy… How about I schedule some time tomorrow for you to regress?” She suggested.

“I- I guess. As long as I won’t be stressing you out.” Vaggie said. She didn’t lie, it sounded really nice.

“Don’t worry, you’re not. I love taking care of you and it's a coping mechanism for me! How about after 1 pm?” Charlie asked.

“Sounds good, hun. Lets get some rest now, I’m pretty tired,” She replied and turned off the lamp, darkness suddenly enveloping the room. 

The next morning, Charlie started the day by getting up a little early and shutting off Vaggie’s alarm before it could go off. But knowing she’d want to wake up a little bit on time, she changed the alarm to go off in 45 minutes. She got dressed as quietly as she could and pulled out her partner’s clothes and put them on the dresser. It was nice to help her partner get ready for the day, even though she wouldn’t be there physically to help her.

Vaggie woke up a little later than she had expected. Usually, it would make her really panicky and freaked out but luckily, there wasn’t anything super important planned early that morning. She got up and noticed that her clothes were already set out for her. She smiled and quickly changed before going downstairs.

“Good morning, Sweetheart!” Charlie greeted her, immediately setting down a plate of eggs and bacon in the shape of a smiley face, in front of her little one. “I made you breakfast and cleared up the schedule for this afternoon. Mommy’s got to work a bit this morning so I hope that’s okay,” 

Charlie knew what she was doing. She was using her caregiver name in the 3rd person to help Vaggie feel small so it would be easy for her to regress later. Vaggie wanted to be little right then and there but knew she had to wait until afternoon.

“Oki, That’s fine, M- Charlie. Thank you for making breakfast!” She replied, starting to eat her eggs.

Charlie got right to work after making Vaggie breakfast. In order for her to clear her schedule, she needed to get some more work done that morning and would need to get it finished either later that night, or the next day. So she went into her office and started working.

Later that day, after lunch, Charlie emerged from her office. Almost all of the day’s work was done and she now needed to find Vaggie and get her ready for her little time. Luckily, she found her almost immediately as she was in the lobby, working on schedules and getting paperwork filled out. Charlie snuck up behind and picked her up.

“Vaggie~ it’s baby time!” She gave her a kiss on the cheek and cradled her. Vaggie giggled, loving being babied by her.

“Okay, Charlie, let me just get this done-”

“Nope! Babies don’t do paperwork. Alastor can get it” Charlie declared, carrying her to the nursery. Vaggie wanted to argue so she could finish it, but she wanted to be little way more. So she let her Mama carry her to her nursery.

“Alright, little one~ Let’s get you changed first,” She placed Vaggie down on the changing table, “Do you want your paci and a fidget?”

“Mhm” She replied. Charlie smiled and grabbed a clean pacifier and put it in her mouth and handed her a baby fidget cube.

As Charlie started to change her into a cute and fluffy diaper, Vaggie’s baby brain immediately switched on. She really did feel so small and tiny and just a little baby. Once it was taped nice and snug, Charlie changed her into a onesie and long fluffy socks. Vaggie babbled incoherent words and was all smiley and drooly.

“Aww~ someone really slipped fast, huh?” Charlie said, picking her up. The little one giggled and grinned. 

“Alright well, is my wittle Vaggie feeling energetic, tired, eepy, or playful?” She asked, bouncing her on her hip.

Vaggie made both her hands into Y’s (basically like the hand symbol that stereotypical surfers do) and shook her wrists twice, signing the word “Play”

“Oki-Doky! I can get your blocks, or your baby bouncer, or the toy box? Ooh, or we can draw?” Charlie started listing off plenty of activities they could do.

“Bah!” Vaggie babbled, pointing to her baby bouncer with the activity board on it. Due to her smallness, it was a little harder for her to speak. When not regressing for a while, she tended to be very small.

Charlie smiled and placed her into her bouncer. She played with her with the activity board while she bounced. She kicked her legs and squealed, loving playing with all the fidgets and bouncing up and down. They happily played until Vaggie got a bit tired and a little hungry.

“Are you hungry, sweetie? Did you not eat lunch?” Charlie asked, taking her out of the bouncer when she heard her stomach growl. Vaggie shook her head, telling her she didn’t eat lunch.

“Okay, little one, there should be a bottle with some formula in here,” She put her on top of the changing table to sit as she went over to the minifridge. Sure enough, there was a baby bottle full of adult formula. 

“Warm or cold, baby?” 

“W-wam,” Vaggie babbled. Charlie nodded and took the cap off and put it in the microwave to heat it up. Once it was done, she placed the cap on and shook it a little. She picked her up again and put down the crib bars and sat down. After Vaggie got comfortable in her lap, she started to bottle feed her, watching her get more and more relaxed by the second.

Once the bottle was all finished and not a single drop of formula left, Charlie was about to tuck her into bed. However Vaggie started pouting and whining.

“Not sleepy, baby? Do you want to do a less stimulating activity instead?” She asked. Vaggie nodded.

“Okay, lets snuggle for a bit and read a book,” Charlie set her down in the crib (which had a ton of stuffies in it) and went to grab a few books.

When she came back, Vaggie was cuddling a bunch of stuffies. It was adorable and she gave her a small smile. The princess sat down next to her, and snuggled up with her. Since it was getting close to winter, she pulled a blanket over them and opened up the first book.

Charlie put on a bunch of funny voices and acted some of the scenes out while still cuddling. It was enough to entertain Vaggie but not enough to overstimulate her small tiny brain. So Charlie decided to slow down on the action and calmed down. It made Vaggie start to get sleepy and her eyes got droopy. When Charlie was absolutely sure that she had fallen asleep, she slowly crawled out of the crib, tucked Vaggie in and put up the crib bars. 

Charlie knew Vaggie would wake up within 45 minutes, still regressed, but that’s why she cleared out the entire afternoon. And the hotel residents are okay with little Vaggie having dinner with them if she’s still small by then. Charlie realized that she probably needed a break as well so she sat in the rocking chair and scrolled on her phone. Even though caregiving is a way for her to feel really good about herself and could sometimes be relaxing, she deserved a little phone time. Everyone needs a little break every now and then. It’s better to give yourself a break than wait until you burnout.

[borderlinereminders]

i've been following you for years and seeing you say you accomplished what you have without therapy gives me so much hope. i've admired you from afar and how you talk about how you have healthy relationships now and manage your symptoms. i'm on a waitlist for therapy and sometimes it feels so pointless but you give me hope i can start trying to do some of it myself while i wait!

I am so glad to be able to give hope.

I would never say people need therapy to get better. I think it's all individual. I think therapy can be a very useful tool for some, and that's so valid! And I encourage people to try if it's accessible to them because it's overwhelming on your own to figure out where to start in learning new skills and coping mechanisms.

I didn't have access to therapy, and I had to self-teach myself all my skills and coping mechanisms. My BPD is technically considered "in remission" since I no longer meet the criteria as a result of all my work. And my work alone.

Therapy is inaccessible to a lot for a lot of reasons like cost, availability, or having bad therapy experiences or therapy trauma that makes it an option that would make things worse for them. That's not even touching on the fact that a lot of therapists will actually not work with someone with BPD or other cluster B personality disorders.

So, I do want to say that there is absolutely hope! I hope that therapy helps you but you can absolutely improve your quality of life now and start the work now. <3 There is a point. I promise.

[rubyrubyrubyredux]

A retrospective on escaping self-hatred!

Going through some old content, and finding a lot of me being viscerally self-deprecating for jokes! Rough times! orz

retrospective explanation: discovering self-deprecating humor did several things at once for me, 1) allowed me to take control of my emotional pain in some sense, 2) let me express distress while still being socially accepted (I think talking like that was more popular in the 2010s? at least in the circles I was hovering in. Probably concerning at the time nonetheless), 3) softened the reality of being someone who was in deep self-despising distress!

Not a healthy coping mechanism though... 1) subjects other people to it or demands placating and it's pretty intense to put up with? 2) probably something "affirming" to it, that repeating self-deprication so much makes it feel true/enforced in the long run. 3) ... it's mean! to me! I was very mean to me! :'(

Nowadays, I've generally forgotten what the feeling was like. And I'm not going to think about it too hard because I don't want to tap back into self-hatred! It was an all-encompassing way of thinking. I hated myself so much!

In the present, I don't hate myself anymore! And I think that's great. That's wonderful progress to have made. A handful of years at least? These days I'm very at peace with the notion that my problems are valid and we people are all just people in the world existing and figuring things out. I'm not harsh to others, and I don't need to be harsh to me.

I don't wholly regret my self-deprecation phase per se, because I don't know what else I would've done instead and it was just me struggling to process my pain. It was some kind of accessible outlet. Not really healthy, but SOME kind of processing. And, also, like, I WASN'T healthy. And I guess still not, but at least in terms of self-hatred, I don't think about me like that anymore!

Mostly I'm sorry for having been an intense presence at people. Kinda feels like I inflicted people with my pain expression and, like, even though I was desperate to be heard somehow, it's still not fair to people to have to feel like they need to help in solving an impossible task. I worry I'm still a bit problematic about boundaries of pain expression, but I hope I'm perceived as better about it these days!

All this to say, it's a success that I don't hate myself anymore! Striving for wellness in any ways I can. Still more work to do, like I can recognize it's not healthy thinking with how much I worry about all people's perceptions of me. But I'm working on it! Incremental improvements.

[sarcasticsciencefictionwriter]

asking questions about your fics:

WHAT WAS THE BLOODY BOOK THAT JOHN GOT HELEN?????????????????????????????????????????????

No, haha, seriously tho, can you tell me about the fic that you have a section of pinned to the top of your blog? Isn't It Lovely? I'm so invested in that small, angsty scene, and I want to know what the story is about? I don't think I could find it on your AO3 - I'm pretty sure I looked? So I figured it must be a WIP of some kind? BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHY NIKOLA LEFT AND WHAT WILL MAKE HIM COME BACK, BLEASE!

I SHALL NEVER TELL ABOUT THE BOOK BECAUSE I WAS TOO LAZY TO DO THE RESEARCH! *EVIL LAUGHTER*

Hehe, anyway, thanks so much for asking about this fic, I love it so much!!!

First off, you're right! It is a WIP that I promised myself I wouldn't publish on AO3 until I had at least a few chapters as a cushion. (I haven't worked on it for a while, because I need to figure out some things in the very beginning)

Isn't It Lovely? first off, is kind of a tragedy, inspired by "Lovely" by Billie Eilish (which is where the title comes from). The full lyric inspiration is: Isn't it lovely, all alone / heart made of glass my mind of stone / tear me to pieces, skin and bone / hello, welcome home

I highly recommend listening to the song with the pinned tidbit for extra angst!

Anyway!

The story is about Helen/James/John/Nikola/Ranna in a modern AU. They've been in a relationship for years at this point, and at the beginning of the fic, the rest of them are fussing over James a bit, who has been working himself very hard as a doctor and also running a clinic of some sort, which he also works at when he can.

At some point (we get fluffy bits first!) James is murdered for currently unknown reasons (one loose thought is he just happened to be doing paperwork at the clinic late instead of at home and was surprised by a robbery), which shatters the other four.

The police run out of leads or don't pursue them, Nikola leaves. The fic is Helen-centric, but none of them really choose healthy coping mechanisms. Helen stops sleeping, Nikola leaves, John starts hunting down any people even loosely connected to James's death, and Ranna is mostly hanging on for her pregnancy.

Helen, John, and Ranna are trying to pick up the pieces and keep John out of the police's speculation. One of my favorite bits is that to help Helen, John and Ranna build her a blanket fort to sleep in and that becomes her safe space.

As for Nikola, to put it simply, he left for selfish reasons. James being murdered, shortly before that finding out Ranna is pregnant with their first child was too much. Losing James shattered all of them and Nikola just....did not know how to deal with it. He did not know how to deal with his loved ones grieving.

James, honestly, would have been the person to help them get through a loss like that the most. Nikola couldn't cope/didn't know how to cope and felt like he couldn't help Helen, John, and Ranna through it either.

Before James's death, he received a job offer in New York that he had ultimately turned down because he wasn't going to ask everyone to uproot just for his job. After James's death, feeling suffocated with his grief and everyone else's grief, he took the job offer and left, cutting communication with the others, though they tried to reach out.

Helen's talk in the pinned scene is really what drives him to come home, because he realizes everything is about to really go to hell. Helen used the guilt to manipulate him into coming home. She's sick with something that could kill her if untreated and has decided that she'll let it go untreated and take the blame for John's murders.

Nikola comes home because he refuses to let them lose anyone else, because he doesn't want his family to suffer any more. He doesn't want Helen to die, he doesn't want John to go to jail, he doesn't want Ranna to be raising their child by herself.

It's going to be a very emotional ride for everyone through the story. It's a story about love and loss and grief and trying to keep going after feeling like you've lost everything. Fair warning that parts definitely going to contain discrimination and other things when people (police/doctors/etc.) find out about their relationship.

I currently only have three scenes written down for this whole thing, but lots of scenes in my head. (I even tried to draw a scene, but sadly my ambition is bigger than my skill and I got frustrated)

Pinned post. Blanket Fort. Fun at the Lake (before James's death).

I think I might (big might) have posted bits of the latter two in other ask games, but I'm not 100% certain of it. (I'll look, but my tags are a mess)

Thanks so much for asking about this fic, I hope I answered this in a satisfactory way, I love it so much even if it's taken the back seat to some of my others!!!!

[aspd-culture]

aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

[springonmytraptillicomeback]

*gasp* *points at you*

AGE REGRESSING WILLIAM AFTON HEADCANONS

PAKAYA AOAKYWBEOSHDJEOIDDHD Y AYAYYAYAYAYA IM SO GLAD I GET TO TALK ABOUT THIS YAY AYAYAYAYYA

god I project on this man so much

So he had like a shit childhood how do you think she turned out like that. His mom died when he was like. 7. I don’t even remember my lore. And his dad was The Worst Person Ever.

She mostly involuntarily regresses and has no fucking clue what it is. And he like hates it cause it makes him feel weak n shit and he hates feeling weak.

also he mostly just like. sobs when he regresses (me fr fr) cause like. he has a hard time crying normally when it’s not for dramatics or effect.

he also just gets really really quiet and so when he accidentally regresses at work Henry’s trying to figure out What’s Wrong but he Also Doesn’t Know

in a better universe she’d be able to regress better and actually be happy and then maybe Hurricane would be saved. He just needs some healthy coping mechanisms someone help this rabbit.

I probably have more but I am Kinda Tired so if you have specific questions just ask :3

[cheydlerarts]

Why is she built like that? 😩😩 (respectfully !)

damn can't a bitch be sexy??? 😡🙄

no but fr, I kinda made her that way on purpose! her whole character is about her body. how it has never worked the way it was supposed to, how it betrays her, how people only see her for her body and what she could do for them (not necessarily sexually, but that will get brought up in a future storyline), and how it was never truly her own.

I'll go more into detail under the cut because I can ramble about her for HOURS lol

To answer why she's built like that:

She gets her body type from her dad's side (her mom's side is stick thin with no curves), so she always had a curvier build. Though, she was malnourished as a child due to neglect and her mother's desire for Chev to look more like her, making her thin but still wide-hipped due to how her skeleton is built.

After she was kicked out at 18, she was finally able to go to the doctor and figure out how take care of herself. The sudden calorie "surplus" and nutrition allowed her to put on weight, and made her body go through a proper puberty (or second puberty, which is a real thing and i think more people should be aware of it!!)

She also started going to the gym regularly to help alleviate some of her body pains, which also made her more muscular and curvier

if yall have more questions about her body n stuff, pls let me know!!

Her body never worked the way it's supposed to, and how it betrays her

she's unable to regulate her body temperature, always being too hot or too cold. it also makes her sweat very easily

irregular/abnormal hunger cues (presumably) caused by not being fed properly throughout her childhood, making her forget to eat, or binge eat. to combat this, she often forces herself to drink protein shakes at the very least during meal time, and keeps meat snacks in her purse/bag. (or in her pants pocket if it's big enough)

chronic pain, mainly located in her neck and back, from the stairs incident when she was a teen, resulting in her developing fibromyalgia.

low pain tolerance from being in fight-or-flight most of her life

auditory and visual hallucinations starting from when she was 5 years old

hypersexuality messing with her brain; giving her intrusive thoughts, brain fog, worsens her fatigue, and interferes with her everyday life. it's worse when she has a particularly bad flareup, which leads me to:

she goes into heat once a month, correlating with the full moon. sometimes her hypersexual flareups trigger an early heat, and it's actually feels like the worst thing in the world to her. it's not fun at all, and it gets to the point that she wished she didn't have a libido at all

she has several mental illnesses such as: autism, ptsd/cptsd, depression, and possible undiagnosed bipolar disorder

her need to eat human flesh often, making her kill even though she desperately doesn't want to. but if she doesn't, she will go completely feral for days on end and kill way more people than she needs to

How her body was never truly her own

she was parent-ified young, and made to be her family's unpaid nanny and maid. She never got to have a childhood, and never got to be a teenager

she never really got to have a healthy relationship, platonic or romantic, where she wasn't used for her body or her emotional/physical labor (except in fanon)

she has always been badly neglected, to the point she can hardly take care of herself

Nowadays she's "taking her body back" by taking care of her health, isolating herself (definitely not a healthy coping mechanism, but she hasn't figured that out yet), and embracing her demon abilities by using them for more mundane things! ie: using her long ass tail to reach things in high places like Tigger lol

this is all i have so far, but pls feel free to ask more questions! (I will literally not shut the fuck up about her PLEASE)

[alarrytale]

hi marte :) i think louis really needs a rest but a REAL REST OUT OF ALL THESE THINGS. so that when he comes back, if he wants to, he can give his best, but it seems he doesn't want to do that and it saddens me because i think he needs a break or i don't know what his goal is now. he needs to be away from everything and recover from everything he's been through, the losses have been too great and i think that's also working against him even though he wants to pretend that everything is okay. when this image that i really hate appears i start to get angry with him but then i just feel sad for him, it must be complicated going through what he went through and now that they mention that maybe he's depressed, it's really worrying for me, i don't want to lose him and it worries me but i hope that at some point maybe in 10 more years he can be a little free, because i think he's drowning in a glass of water with all the things that haunt him: his grief, his distrust, pretending to be a father, being in closet, not being able to show himself as he is. it must be complicated for him, that's what i think. thanks if you read me :)

Hi, anon!

I agree with all this. What i want most for him is for him to prioritise his physical and mental health. I think he would benefit from a year totally off and out of the spotlight, where he can see a professional and get help processing everything he's been through and still going through, and learn better coping mechanisms. I want him to be able to get to know himself again, instead of the image he's forced to portray all the time, and not have to pretend in front of anyone. I think he'd benefit from it. We want Louis around for a long time, and we want him healthy, happy and being himself.

I get the feeling more and more he's running on fumes, and is getting tired of fighting his own image. That's not good. Not good at all. He needs a break, to reset and to start over again. We can only hope, wish and dream, anon. He needs to figure it out himself.

[tirkdi]

For the DVD commentary:

A century in, she began to worry.

It had been some time now since anyone but the two of them had a personal memory of the Black Heretic. She had hoped that the distance would allow him to regain some of his interest, some of his intensity, but if anything, it was the opposite.

She walked the lake beside him, the noon sun hot above. The grass was summer-green and unmoving – no natural wind to stir it, no Squallers to disrupt the stillness. The Grisha who would normally be training or playing around by the water were inside the Little Palace, avoiding the heat, but heat had never bothered either her or her son. Not after spending so many, many cold years.

The two of them walked the gravel path by the lake, the Little Palace behind them, rolling hills in front. The oprichniki the Tsar had given him for protection – spies, more like – kept the perimeter at a healthy distance.

"Still no Ilya." He made the observation sound tired, rehearsed. He spoke Suli, because he knew the oprichniki did not. "I made the Shadow Fold a hundred years ago, and there’s still no Ilya. Do you think he figured out how to die?"

"I know why you’re asking."

"Are you going to answer?"

She chanced a glance up at his face, the clench of his jaw. She wouldn’t push him on this farther now. "Do I think he figured out how to die? Perhaps," she admitted. Perhaps he had been too Grisha to die, or perhaps he had been just Grisha enough. Not unnatural they way she was. The way he was. And then, because she remembered the decades when her son had asked question after question about her life, about her wants, she added: "I like to think he would have found me hadn’t."

A fish jumped in the lake beside them, shattering the reflection of light on the pond. "Are you still scared of me?" he asked.

Damn her mouth and his memory. She sighed. "I’m scared for you. You’re waiting for something we may never find."

"Never is a very long time."

"I don’t need a lecture on eternity, boy."

A hint of a smile played on his lips. "It’s a long while since I’ve been a boy, Madraya."

"Then maybe you need the reminder."

He didn’t respond, and they walked the path together in silence, the scrape of pebbles beneath their feet the only sounds. Even the oprichniki moved quietly, conserving energy in the midday heat.

"We’ll be expanding the grounds of the Little Palace," he said, gesturing to a hill beside them. "Our expeditions to find Grisha children in other countries and bring them to safety have been increasingly fruitful. We’re going to need more space."

She looked in the direction her son indicated, the leaves on the trees unmoving without a hint of breeze. "Still working on your penance," she observed.

"My what?"

"Penance," she repeated. "For the Fold." Baghra had long since realized that life was cyclical for a reason – the straight line of immortality broke too many tethers to the world, made it impossible to keep one’s center. Without the threat of death, a practice of repair was the only thing that could bring one back into alignment with others, with nature. Wasn’t that repair why she was at the Little Palace in the first place?

"Penance." He rolled the word in his mouth as if he’d never heard it before. "That’s one idea, I suppose."

I briefly futzed around with the idea of this chapter being from Aleksander's point of view, and then I realized it would be so, so boring. I did not want to write 400 years of the type of depression going on in his head and you did not want to read it. It's not like Baghra is doing great at this point, either, but at least she's got coping mechanisms (shitty ones, but still!) So here we are. Bold is my commentary. *

A century in, she began to worry. Another one for 'mom of the millennium' award. She waited a century before she started worrying. "It's just a phase," she told herself, years one through ninety-nine.

It had been some time now since anyone but the two of them had a personal memory of the Black Heretic. She had hoped that the distance would allow him to regain some of his interest, some of his intensity, but if anything, it was the opposite.

She walked the lake beside him, the noon sun hot above. The grass was summer-green and unmoving – no natural wind to stir it, no Squallers to disrupt the stillness. The Grisha who would normally be training or playing around by the water were inside the Little Palace, avoiding the heat, but heat had never bothered either her or her son. Not after spending so many, many cold years. I don't go deep into this headcanon but I definitely believe that Baghra & Aleksander are sensitive to cold but not heat. There's a reason that Baghra keeps the fire going all the time, and though I think it's partly religious/superstition, I think a lot of it is just straight up trauma.

The two of them walked the gravel path by the lake, the Little Palace behind them, rolling hills in front. The oprichniki the Tsar had given him for protection – spies, more like – kept the perimeter at a healthy distance. I deeply, genuinely believe that the oprichniki were the Tsars' attempts at spies post-Shadowfold. Why on earth would the most powerful Grisha need protection -- and why would he need otkazats'ya protection? Genya was not the first spy between the palaces!! Aleksander was just better at getting his spies to be loyal to and side with him than the Lantsovs were.

"Still no Ilya." He made the observation sound tired, rehearsed. He spoke Suli, because he knew the oprichniki did not. Spiesssssssss. "I made the Shadow Fold a hundred years ago, and there’s still no Ilya. This is the sort of thing that should bring Saints out of the woodwork, don't you think? Every disaster is an opportunity, etc. Do you think he figured out how to die?"

"I know why you’re asking." Because he wants to die, too.

"Are you going to answer?" This is almost a 'do you love me enough to help me die' question.

She chanced a glance up at his face, the clench of his jaw. She wouldn’t push him on this farther now. "Do I think he figured out how to die? Perhaps," she admitted. Perhaps he had been too Grisha to die, or perhaps he had been just Grisha enough. Not unnatural they way she was. The way he was. Here we have the beginnings of Baghra acknowledging that maybe she and her son are not Grisha at all, or were Grisha of a different type. Her powerful father might not have had the same immortality. And then, because she remembered the decades when her son had asked question after question about her life, about her wants, she added: "I like to think he would have found me hadn’t." She thinks he'll snap out of his century-long depression if she shares one (1) personal fact.

A fish jumped in the lake beside them, shattering the reflection of light on the pond. "Are you still scared of me?" he asked.

Damn her mouth and his memory. She sighed. So annoying when your son remembers that you almost said you loved him. "I’m scared for you. You’re waiting for something we may never find."

"Never is a very long time." A line he uses with both his mom and Alina.

"I don’t need a lecture on eternity, boy."

A hint of a smile played on his lips. "It’s a long while since I’ve been a boy, Madraya." Legit, can you imagine being four hundred and your mom calls you boy. You are three hundred years older than everyone else other than her and she's all "You'll always be my baby (derogatory)"

"Then maybe you need the reminder." I don't think he's forgotten what his childhood was like, Baghra, but thanks.

He didn’t respond, and they walked the path together in silence, the scrape of pebbles beneath their feet the only sounds. Even the oprichniki moved quietly, conserving energy in the midday heat.

"We’ll be expanding the grounds of the Little Palace," he said, gesturing to a hill beside them. "Our expeditions to find Grisha children in other countries and bring them to safety have been increasingly fruitful. We’re going to need more space." There's so little about the intervening years! I assume he had parties going into other countries and getting Grisha out of there on the reg.

She looked in the direction her son indicated, the leaves on the trees unmoving without a hint of breeze. "Still working on your penance," she observed.

"My what?" Penance? I don't know her.

"Penance," she repeated. "For the Fold." I was so curious in the trilogy when he says "Redemption. Salvation. Penance. My mother's quaint ideas." what their conversations about those must have been like. So here's one.

Baghra had long since realized that life was cyclical for a reason – the straight line of immortality broke too many tethers to the world, made it impossible to keep one’s center. Without the threat of death, a practice of repair was the only thing that could bring one back into alignment with others, with nature. Wasn’t that repair why she was at the Little Palace in the first place? There's a lot made of Baghra's shift in perspective from DiTW to TGT, and also what her religious beliefs really are. This is my attempt at a quick explanation for that – it's more pragmatic than religious, though it's not dissimilar to some religious practices. Here she's really trying to help her son.

"Penance." He rolled the word in his mouth as if he’d never heard it before. This guy, man. "That’s one idea, I suppose."