#i think i even figured out some healthy coping mechanisms that work for me

[lottieurl]

ocd is a fun disorder bc during adhd screening i had some like insanely long test and i knew exactly which questions were ocd related but those specific ones either didn't affect me or i straight up lied bc everything i'm p sure is ocd i never want to discuss with a psychiatrist or anyone at all. cool!

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hello! In one of your previous posts you mentioned the game purposefully hiding the faces of figures who play a significant role in each OB boy’s trauma. So do you think this applies to Idia's parents as well (they have masks to cover their faces and they don't even have separate sprites but the default STYX members' sprites)?

[Referencing this post!]

There’s a lot to unpack here, so I’ve put my thoughts under the cut!! I hope you enjoy reading ^^

***Note: Many spoilers for books 6 + 7 of the main story!!***

I definitely wouldn’t put the Shroud parents into the same category as like… Mrs. Rosehearts, who was basically the origin from which other issues stemmed. The Shroud parents themselves were not the “root cause” for Idia’s trauma, the “cause” was Ortho’s death and Idia feeling immense guilt and shame about it. Not once has Idia blamed his parents or implicated them for this misfortune (not counting the Shroud curse, which is really the fault of their ancestors and not the Shroud parents in particular). I guess where some fans feel there is an issue is the implication that the Shroud parents did not seem to be there emotionally for Idia or offer him healthy coping mechanisms for his issue??

Before I give my thoughts on why the Shroud mom and dad obscure their faces (and how this does or doesn’t fit into the “purposefully obscuring the faces of those significantly related to each boy’s trauma), allow me to offer a different perspective to those who find fault with Idia’s parents. Firstly, consider that we know very little about the period of time between Ortho’s death leading up to Idia enrolling at NRC. Even then, most of what we know of this period comes directly from Idia, which provides us with a biased and limited perspective. Idia views most things negatively and does not seem close with his parents, so it makes sense that he would describe them in an inflated and unflattering way.

I think where a lot of the initial thoughts about the Shrouds being bad parents (a sentiment I myself had prior to their book 7 reveals) predominantly comes from them not being present in Idia’s post-OB flashback and Idia stating that his parents care more about results than their son’s feelings. We also learn from later that the family used to go out a lot as a group, but those trips stopped after Ortho died. These heavily imply his mom and dad were not there for Idia after the… incident. But let’s back up for a moment; where does the flashback pick up after Ortho died? Over two years later. That’s a large gap to not be knowing what the Shroud parents were doing during it. The STYX employees present also state that Idia has “completely withdrawn” ever losing Ortho, and this could be inclusive of the parents. So… we don’t really know for sure if, during this expanse of 2 years, the parents never made an effort to reach out. Even if they did, it seems highly likely that Idia rejected them. It’s possible that the flashback didn’t feature the parents because Idia largely shut them out of his life or did not deem them to be deeply linked to his trauma; he laments only the general family curse and the loss of Ortho, he does not direct hate at either parent in the flashback.

What we also have to remember is that it wasn’t just Idia that lost a brother that terrible day. Mr. and Mrs. Shroud their sons; Ortho literally (he passed away) and Idia figuratively (as he started to emotionally distance and isolate himself). That’s tough for any parent, but the world cannot stop for them just because they experienced a tragedy. Unfortunately, life moves on and the Shroud parents are in such important positions that they need to work. This is especially true of Mr. Shroud, who oversees all of STYX operations and is burdened with a curse that demands he constantly be surrounded by blot or else the curse will start to chip away at his own magical energy. They need to do this while juggling their own sadness over losing Ortho. There’s only so much time the Shroud parents can try to comfort Idia when they have work, their own emotional trauma to work through, and their surviving son who doesn’t seem to welcome any efforts they put in. You could even theorize that the Shroud parents (particularly the dad) threw themselves into work to try and bury their own feelings. The Shrouds do obviously have a responsibility to Idia as his parents, but parenting is not so easy of a task. They’re still individuals who have other things to balance alongside parenting and they realistically cannot dedicate 100% of their time or energy to Idia.

Now, please do not misunderstand me. I don’t want my words to come off like I’m pointing fingers or victim blaming. What I’m trying to say here is that it isn’t Idia OR his parents’ fault that they grew distant; to me, both parties were busy dealing with their own complicated emotions and their coping methods didn’t seem to align (because different people can have very different trauma responses) and ended up hurting Idia even more in the end. Making mistakes is human and normal. We've seen other characters also falter with their past actions and what they were or were not able to do at the time (Trey not standing up for or to Riddle, Lilia acting callously towards his children, etc.). This by itself is NOT necessarily a bad thing or something to hate on them for; I'd argue that what matters much more is how those matters were dealt with and what the results of those efforts have been. In the case of the Shroud parents, they do not appear to have bad blood with Idia or Ortho in modern day and the game has really done little to indicate that the Shroud parents should be viewed in a morally grey light. They've welcomed Ortho as a part of their family, openly refer to him like a third son, supported his official enrollment as a NRC student, and worry about his safety when Ortho tries to rush headfirst into danger. As for Idia, though he sometimes grumbles about his parents and tends to their actions as coming from a place of not caring, his peers have pointed out that being scolded is proof of his parents’ love for him. For example, Idia complains that his parents have sent him back to NRC so they don’t have to deal with a “nuisance” like him. He also says that there has been public interest in STYX and demand for accountability, which has specifically put his father under fire. We could view the situation like Idia has—that has parents wanted him out of their way. However, as Rook so tactfully pointed out, Idia’s parents must hold deep affection for him. This implies that the Shrouds chose to send Idia back to school for his own safety, and Mr. Shroud was willing to take the full brunt of the heat himself rather than let people suspect his son, whom Mr. Shroud must know is socially anxious. Idia has plenty of other stories about how his parents punished him for dangerous tech modifications he made, and how they’d take away his gadgets as punishment. Again, because they care about their children and their safety, even if they (especially his more stern and work-oriented father) may not show it in conventionally affectionate ways. Idia has pessimistic views that color his parents as annoying and isn’t as close to them anymore as he used to be, but this doesn’t condemn the Shrouds to the eternal hall of bad parents who never ever learn or refuse to change their ways.

Now, about their outfits! Mr. and Mrs. Shroud wear the same robes as NPC staff at STYX. This much is true!! … But I don’t think there is any deep meaning in this, seeing as Idia too wears the same robes?? I believe this is just the default work uniform for STYX researchers, regardless of the position they’re in (so this uniform detail does not technically contribute to the “intentional obscuring” of the Shroud parents’ designs).

We don’t really know what the reason for them wearing the helmets is, and nor is there very strong implication as to why. There have been plenty of fan speculations and theories including but not limited to: special personal protective equipment, magical enhancement gear, general Shroud family shyness, cost/time saving measure for the devs, etc. I can’t really say one way or another which is the “most correct” idea 🤷‍♂️

What I will say is that I do not think there was an intent to hide the Shroud parents’ faces for the same reasons that Mrs. Rosehearts’ face was. Why? Well:

Their faces are not censored in the same way as Mrs. Rosehearts was in the manga; she has her face shaded out by black, but we can still see the details of her outfit. The Shrouds, meanwhile are making the conscious decision to wear helmets—and highly personalized helmets at that. (Mr. Shroud’s helmet is different in colors and design than Mrs. Shroud’s.) This indicates individuality and wanting to make the Shroud parents stand out, not to homogenize them as anonymous black blots at which the OB boys’ trauma finds its roots.

To build off of my previous point, the comment about purposefully obscuring the face of the "source" of Riddle's trauma was ONLY said in the context of the manga, NOT the game. Therefore, in-game assets cannot be considered reliable for "the Shroud parents wear helmets to hise their faces; hidden faces = source of an OB boy's trauma" theory. If you doubt this, then please refer to each boy’s post-OB flashback. In the game, it is not just the sources of their trauma that are blotted out in black, it is literally every character (even the ones with positive memories or experiences associated with them). This includes Trey and Che’nya, whose younger form faces ARE openly depicted in the manga. So again, the “obscuring the faces of characters who are major trauma sources” thing only applies to the manga and the game does not follow this.

The Shrouds are largely depicted in a positive light. The negative aspects of them tend to come from Idia, who tends to have a pessimistic slant to his perception of the world and other people.

Idia’s personal accounts and even his post-OB flashbacks do not attribute or credit his parents for any aspect of his trauma. Much of the guilt and shame he feels is self-imposed and directed at himself.

As I’ve pointed out earlier in this post, we are assuming a lot of things about what happened in Idia’s life following Ortho’s death. The downside to this is that it doesn’t grant the parents any grace and takes everything we see (as little as it is) at face value without considering alternatives or how the parents could have changed in recent years.

Again, we don’t have a lot of information on why the Shrouds wear the helmets. I don’t think it’s wise to assume it’s for a bad reason when most of the canon has indicated we are supposed to “like” the Shrouds (or, at the very least, they’re supposed to be “redeemed” compared to the initially negative comment we were given of them).

In conclusion: no, I don’t think Idia’s parents are wearing their helmets because they’re associated with their son’s trauma. To me, the helmets feel like something they must wear for some in-universe purpose such as additional protection or to indicate their role within the organization.

[jacksdinonuggets]

Chaggie agere fic!

Charlie stayed up all night again and needs a break. Sorry if it's too short.

It was about noon when Vaggie really started to get worried. Charlie had stayed up all night, trying to figure out a way to stop extermination and make the hotel work. The girl had eye bags under her eye bags and refused to sleep. The whole Hazbin squad was worried. As vaggie tried to hold an intervention, the rest stood back and watched.

“Come on, Hun, you need a break,” Vaggie said trying to steer Charlie away from her notes. She was currently sitting on the couch in the common area, a bunch of papers with notes on them covered the coffee table and there was a thumb-tack board that was covered with red thread connecting news articles and ideas and more random stuff.

“Extermination is in 4 months, Vaggie! If i can’t find a way to stop it, then everyone will die, and it's all my fault!” She cried. Everything seemed to be her fault. Why couldn't she just be helpful for once?!

“Hey, its not your fault. And not everyone will die. We still have some time. But i think you deserve a much-needed break,” Vaggie rubbed her shoulder from behind the couch. It was a nice massage since she was very tense from the horrible posture she maintained throughout the night.

“No, I don’t. Theres not much time left and I can’t waste it on resting.” Charlie continued to hunch over her work.

“Come on, Princess, ya need a break,” Angel interrupted from the back of the room.

“No, I Don’t! I’m perfectly fine without one!” She snapped at him. He kind of sunk down in defeat, making Charlie worry that she just ruined everything again.

“I- I’m sorry i snapped, but I’m still not gonna put this city’s life at risk because i decided to take a nap,” She apologized. Vaggie looked so done with her girlfriend. They both worried and cared for each other a lot. So, sensing that Charlie was being like this because she didn’t have a break yet, she picked her up from under her armpits like a cat and then cradled her to her chest.

“No! Put me down! I am the princess of hell!” She tried to squirm out of Vaggies hands.

“Sweetie, you need a break,” Vaggie said once again.

“I-.I-” Charlie’s voice cracked before she broke out into sobs. God, she was so exhausted but she couldn’t rest. Sleep was for the weak and she had to prove to heaven how very big and strong she was.

“Shh, Shh, Its okay,” Vaggie whispered in a soothing tone. Charlie curled up even more as she sobbed, giving away a hint that she had now slipped. 

Charlie sometimes would use age regression to cope with extermination or just stressful situations. Vaggie first brought it up to her since she also used it and wanted to give Charlie a healthy coping mechanism to try. The two mostly took care of each other or regressed alone.

Sir pentious wanted to help since he really admired Charlie and her efforts. He slithered his over to them and looked at her.

“Hey, Everything’s ok-” Even louder wails erupted from Charlie as soon as she saw him. Everyone seemed so scary right now besides Vaggie, her caregiver. She just wanted to curl up in bed and cuddle with her stuffies.

“Come on, sweetie, You’re gonna be okay, We’re heading up to our room, alright?” Vaggie comforted her while walking a way. She muttered a ‘sorry’ at Sir Pentious.

Once they reached their master bedroom, Vaggie laid her crying princess on the bed before going into the closet to grab a couple of things. She came out with a beach bag that had rainbows and a sun on it. Inside were her Little Items. She had multiple pacifiers, a few sippy cups and one bottle. She also had a bunch of coloring books and bedtime stories in there. On the bed, currently, was her duck stuffed animal that Lucifier had given to her when she was very young.

Vaggie quickly filled the bottle up with water and gave Charlie her ducky. She sat on the bed and pulled her into her lap to begin rocking her. She started to sing a spanish lullaby, hoping it would help calm her baby down. Luckily it did and her cries were now quiet but she was still very small. So Vaggie held the bottle up to Charlies mouth and she began to suckle on it. All of the crying made her really thirsty.

“I think this little one needs a nap,” Vaggie said once Charlie finished the bottle.

“Bu’ I wanna play,” Charlie pouted.

“You can play when you wake up, but for now, its Night-Nigh time.” Vaggie helped change her little one out of her suspenders and suit and into pajamas before tucking her in.

“Sleep well, Charlie,” Vaggie said before kissing her forehead goodnight.

[borderlinereminders]

i've been following you for years and seeing you say you accomplished what you have without therapy gives me so much hope. i've admired you from afar and how you talk about how you have healthy relationships now and manage your symptoms. i'm on a waitlist for therapy and sometimes it feels so pointless but you give me hope i can start trying to do some of it myself while i wait!

I am so glad to be able to give hope.

I would never say people need therapy to get better. I think it's all individual. I think therapy can be a very useful tool for some, and that's so valid! And I encourage people to try if it's accessible to them because it's overwhelming on your own to figure out where to start in learning new skills and coping mechanisms.

I didn't have access to therapy, and I had to self-teach myself all my skills and coping mechanisms. My BPD is technically considered "in remission" since I no longer meet the criteria as a result of all my work. And my work alone.

Therapy is inaccessible to a lot for a lot of reasons like cost, availability, or having bad therapy experiences or therapy trauma that makes it an option that would make things worse for them. That's not even touching on the fact that a lot of therapists will actually not work with someone with BPD or other cluster B personality disorders.

So, I do want to say that there is absolutely hope! I hope that therapy helps you but you can absolutely improve your quality of life now and start the work now. <3 There is a point. I promise.

[aspd-culture]

aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

[springonmytraptillicomeback]

*gasp* *points at you*

AGE REGRESSING WILLIAM AFTON HEADCANONS

PAKAYA AOAKYWBEOSHDJEOIDDHD Y AYAYYAYAYAYA IM SO GLAD I GET TO TALK ABOUT THIS YAY AYAYAYAYYA

god I project on this man so much

So he had like a shit childhood how do you think she turned out like that. His mom died when he was like. 7. I don’t even remember my lore. And his dad was The Worst Person Ever.

She mostly involuntarily regresses and has no fucking clue what it is. And he like hates it cause it makes him feel weak n shit and he hates feeling weak.

also he mostly just like. sobs when he regresses (me fr fr) cause like. he has a hard time crying normally when it’s not for dramatics or effect.

he also just gets really really quiet and so when he accidentally regresses at work Henry’s trying to figure out What’s Wrong but he Also Doesn’t Know

in a better universe she’d be able to regress better and actually be happy and then maybe Hurricane would be saved. He just needs some healthy coping mechanisms someone help this rabbit.

I probably have more but I am Kinda Tired so if you have specific questions just ask :3

[tirkdi]

For the DVD commentary:

A century in, she began to worry.

It had been some time now since anyone but the two of them had a personal memory of the Black Heretic. She had hoped that the distance would allow him to regain some of his interest, some of his intensity, but if anything, it was the opposite.

She walked the lake beside him, the noon sun hot above. The grass was summer-green and unmoving – no natural wind to stir it, no Squallers to disrupt the stillness. The Grisha who would normally be training or playing around by the water were inside the Little Palace, avoiding the heat, but heat had never bothered either her or her son. Not after spending so many, many cold years.

The two of them walked the gravel path by the lake, the Little Palace behind them, rolling hills in front. The oprichniki the Tsar had given him for protection – spies, more like – kept the perimeter at a healthy distance.

"Still no Ilya." He made the observation sound tired, rehearsed. He spoke Suli, because he knew the oprichniki did not. "I made the Shadow Fold a hundred years ago, and there’s still no Ilya. Do you think he figured out how to die?"

"I know why you’re asking."

"Are you going to answer?"

She chanced a glance up at his face, the clench of his jaw. She wouldn’t push him on this farther now. "Do I think he figured out how to die? Perhaps," she admitted. Perhaps he had been too Grisha to die, or perhaps he had been just Grisha enough. Not unnatural they way she was. The way he was. And then, because she remembered the decades when her son had asked question after question about her life, about her wants, she added: "I like to think he would have found me hadn’t."

A fish jumped in the lake beside them, shattering the reflection of light on the pond. "Are you still scared of me?" he asked.

Damn her mouth and his memory. She sighed. "I’m scared for you. You’re waiting for something we may never find."

"Never is a very long time."

"I don’t need a lecture on eternity, boy."

A hint of a smile played on his lips. "It’s a long while since I’ve been a boy, Madraya."

"Then maybe you need the reminder."

He didn’t respond, and they walked the path together in silence, the scrape of pebbles beneath their feet the only sounds. Even the oprichniki moved quietly, conserving energy in the midday heat.

"We’ll be expanding the grounds of the Little Palace," he said, gesturing to a hill beside them. "Our expeditions to find Grisha children in other countries and bring them to safety have been increasingly fruitful. We’re going to need more space."

She looked in the direction her son indicated, the leaves on the trees unmoving without a hint of breeze. "Still working on your penance," she observed.

"My what?"

"Penance," she repeated. "For the Fold." Baghra had long since realized that life was cyclical for a reason – the straight line of immortality broke too many tethers to the world, made it impossible to keep one’s center. Without the threat of death, a practice of repair was the only thing that could bring one back into alignment with others, with nature. Wasn’t that repair why she was at the Little Palace in the first place?

"Penance." He rolled the word in his mouth as if he’d never heard it before. "That’s one idea, I suppose."

I briefly futzed around with the idea of this chapter being from Aleksander's point of view, and then I realized it would be so, so boring. I did not want to write 400 years of the type of depression going on in his head and you did not want to read it. It's not like Baghra is doing great at this point, either, but at least she's got coping mechanisms (shitty ones, but still!) So here we are. Bold is my commentary. *

A century in, she began to worry. Another one for 'mom of the millennium' award. She waited a century before she started worrying. "It's just a phase," she told herself, years one through ninety-nine.

It had been some time now since anyone but the two of them had a personal memory of the Black Heretic. She had hoped that the distance would allow him to regain some of his interest, some of his intensity, but if anything, it was the opposite.

She walked the lake beside him, the noon sun hot above. The grass was summer-green and unmoving – no natural wind to stir it, no Squallers to disrupt the stillness. The Grisha who would normally be training or playing around by the water were inside the Little Palace, avoiding the heat, but heat had never bothered either her or her son. Not after spending so many, many cold years. I don't go deep into this headcanon but I definitely believe that Baghra & Aleksander are sensitive to cold but not heat. There's a reason that Baghra keeps the fire going all the time, and though I think it's partly religious/superstition, I think a lot of it is just straight up trauma.

The two of them walked the gravel path by the lake, the Little Palace behind them, rolling hills in front. The oprichniki the Tsar had given him for protection – spies, more like – kept the perimeter at a healthy distance. I deeply, genuinely believe that the oprichniki were the Tsars' attempts at spies post-Shadowfold. Why on earth would the most powerful Grisha need protection -- and why would he need otkazats'ya protection? Genya was not the first spy between the palaces!! Aleksander was just better at getting his spies to be loyal to and side with him than the Lantsovs were.

"Still no Ilya." He made the observation sound tired, rehearsed. He spoke Suli, because he knew the oprichniki did not. Spiesssssssss. "I made the Shadow Fold a hundred years ago, and there’s still no Ilya. This is the sort of thing that should bring Saints out of the woodwork, don't you think? Every disaster is an opportunity, etc. Do you think he figured out how to die?"

"I know why you’re asking." Because he wants to die, too.

"Are you going to answer?" This is almost a 'do you love me enough to help me die' question.

She chanced a glance up at his face, the clench of his jaw. She wouldn’t push him on this farther now. "Do I think he figured out how to die? Perhaps," she admitted. Perhaps he had been too Grisha to die, or perhaps he had been just Grisha enough. Not unnatural they way she was. The way he was. Here we have the beginnings of Baghra acknowledging that maybe she and her son are not Grisha at all, or were Grisha of a different type. Her powerful father might not have had the same immortality. And then, because she remembered the decades when her son had asked question after question about her life, about her wants, she added: "I like to think he would have found me hadn’t." She thinks he'll snap out of his century-long depression if she shares one (1) personal fact.

A fish jumped in the lake beside them, shattering the reflection of light on the pond. "Are you still scared of me?" he asked.

Damn her mouth and his memory. She sighed. So annoying when your son remembers that you almost said you loved him. "I’m scared for you. You’re waiting for something we may never find."

"Never is a very long time." A line he uses with both his mom and Alina.

"I don’t need a lecture on eternity, boy."

A hint of a smile played on his lips. "It’s a long while since I’ve been a boy, Madraya." Legit, can you imagine being four hundred and your mom calls you boy. You are three hundred years older than everyone else other than her and she's all "You'll always be my baby (derogatory)"

"Then maybe you need the reminder." I don't think he's forgotten what his childhood was like, Baghra, but thanks.

He didn’t respond, and they walked the path together in silence, the scrape of pebbles beneath their feet the only sounds. Even the oprichniki moved quietly, conserving energy in the midday heat.

"We’ll be expanding the grounds of the Little Palace," he said, gesturing to a hill beside them. "Our expeditions to find Grisha children in other countries and bring them to safety have been increasingly fruitful. We’re going to need more space." There's so little about the intervening years! I assume he had parties going into other countries and getting Grisha out of there on the reg.

She looked in the direction her son indicated, the leaves on the trees unmoving without a hint of breeze. "Still working on your penance," she observed.

"My what?" Penance? I don't know her.

"Penance," she repeated. "For the Fold." I was so curious in the trilogy when he says "Redemption. Salvation. Penance. My mother's quaint ideas." what their conversations about those must have been like. So here's one.

Baghra had long since realized that life was cyclical for a reason – the straight line of immortality broke too many tethers to the world, made it impossible to keep one’s center. Without the threat of death, a practice of repair was the only thing that could bring one back into alignment with others, with nature. Wasn’t that repair why she was at the Little Palace in the first place? There's a lot made of Baghra's shift in perspective from DiTW to TGT, and also what her religious beliefs really are. This is my attempt at a quick explanation for that – it's more pragmatic than religious, though it's not dissimilar to some religious practices. Here she's really trying to help her son.

"Penance." He rolled the word in his mouth as if he’d never heard it before. This guy, man. "That’s one idea, I suppose."

[xxnashiraxx]

numbers 4, 14, 17, 27, 41, 65, and 77 for that q&a 💖

Thank you so much for asking!!! 😍🩵

Answering questions from this post!

4. Where Do You Find Inspiration For New Ideas?

Whew uh... they sorta come to me out of the blue! For example, during mundane tasks- often at work- I'll try to think up where I'm going in the work I'm currently engaging in and try to plan out conversations and dialogue in my head! I did this with an Act 3 scene today while plugging away through my boring accounting routine, and I figured out an entire conversation to solve the Ascended vs. Spawn debate between Ofelia and Astarion later on in With Stars to Fill My Dream! Sometimes stuff really just comes to me out of no where- I often just daydream about the story or future potential oneshots. ❤️ Sometimes, I discuss existing ideas with my partner and he and I go back and forth and he'll offer an outside perspective (and he's great to bounce D&D questions off of since he knows even more than I do) and it's wonderful. I'm really lucky to have someone like that who looks at me and doesn't think I'm crazy for writing all this Astarion stuff and instead beta reads my chapters and offers advice. 🥰❤️

14. How Do You Write Emotional Scenes? Do You Ever Feel What the Characters Feel? Do You Draw From Personal Experiences?

I answered this one in a previous ask, so I'll copy and paste it!: I love writing emotional scenes, they can be gut wrenching or joyful and I like to try and emulate what I'd feel when the characters I'm writing about are experiencing those things. I have a lot of angst history, unfortunately, but that's been great in helping me realize what happens to me when I go through those feelings. I like to touch on the senses- smell, sight, sound, touch, all of that. I try to immerse myself in it all like how a panic attack can leave you scattered and how your chest feels tight and that there's not enough breath in your lungs, or how a kiss can make you feel like there are butterflies in your stomach (cliche, but hey it happens) alongside the less glamorous descriptions of sweating profusely and feeling like everything is on fire. Emotional scenes weren't always my strong suit, but I've never looked at them through the lens of how I would feel in that moment, and doing so has really helped me improve.

17. What Do You Do When Writing Becomes Difficult? (Maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

I actually experienced my first bout of it this past weekend since really delving back into the hobby and it kind of freaked me out a bit. I used to experience it back in the past, but I don't remember how I fixed that... I didn't write again for 6 years so maybe it just needed a long rest? This past weekend I was visiting family so that may play a part in me staring at my laptop vacantly for 2 hours, because the space I was in wasn't usually one I wrote in but instead socially engage through. After watching some movies with my partner and taking the long drive back home, I came back and was able to write again though it was a rough start haha. It's hard for me to totally say- I don't have the most healthy of coping mechanisms for other things, so I really just hope and pray I don't feel like it again and go another 6 years without writing 😭

27. What is Your Most and Least Favorite Part of Writing?

My most favorite would be getting to a scene I've really been looking forward to and have put a lot of planning and thought into. It feels like I get possessed and thoughts aren't even getting past the thinking part- they're just going straight to the keyboard. I feel most in tune at that point, usually with some music and a cup of coffee and it's almost like drugs. Love that feeling! My least favorite? Probably when I start to get stuck... smut can be the bane of my existence here because while it's fun to write, and I know I'm beating a dead horse with this saying, using the same 3 words to describe a penis is not so fun lol. I have to get so creative and honestly smut fics are the hardest for me to write and get out because of the heavy editing I need to do to make sure they're polished. But alas, I love them too much to ever quit.

41. Do You Tend to Reread Fics or Are You a One-And-Done Kind of Person?

I'm a huge rereader. I have fallen in love with many fics that I have bookmarks of either just on my device or on AO3 and I love going back to them and reliving the feelings they gave me the first time. ❤️🫂

65. Tell Us What You're Most Looking Forward to Writing- In a Current Project or a Future Project.

I'm most looking forward to writing some Act 3 Orin stuff in With Stars to Fill My Dream as well as the epilogue I have planned! I've brainstormed a lot of ways I can keep Act 3 fresh, and I'll have some fun (the word fun is completely subjective/sarcastic) scenarios the tadpole gang will have to deal with before the end of the game. I also don't mind hinting at this bit either too much, but because Ofelia is only a bard, a certain Act 3 fight will be incredibly difficult for her to come out victorious in, so I plan to have her make a pact as well. She's lightly inspired by Ofelia from Pan's Labyrinth, and I have an excellent idea for who her patron will be and all the little details surrounding their first meeting. I'm actually so excited for this!

77. Do You Have a Favorite Scene You've Written from [With Stars to Fill my Dream] story/chapter?

I do!!! I really wish I could share it right now- it's from the tiefling party and it's the scene I originally imagined back when this fic was just a twinkle in the sky. I listen to a lot of music, and an old favorite of mine (Crazy on You by Heart) was on my playlist when I was thinking about potentially starting a fic for BG3. I didn't even plan to share it at the time, I just wanted a fun little isekai story to indulge in as I obsessed over the game, and I thought up a bard Tav singing to the group and party goers, and also to Astarion. That bard then became Ofelia, and thus WSTFMD was born. I wrote that scene a couple months ago and I'm honestly so happy with it- once it was finished I almost cried a little- it's amazing when an idea you never thought you'd actually put on paper comes out and then to not fuck it up and it sounds great too? Priceless ❤️ I can't wait to share it- it'll probably come out mid-November or beginning of December going off the update schedule, though my brain isn't working atm so I can't go in and make sure!

Thank you again for asking me these!!! I enjoy answering little questions 🫂🩵���

[polyhexian]

Ah okay I have an idea for Jasper's mental health journey in Eventually.

I've got two meta reasons for why Jasper should be mostly-mentally-stable. The first is Hunter, obviously; the kid's going through it, and he needs this new parental figure in his life to be, like, okay. As delightful as Jasper's breakdown in MH has been, it would be super bad for everyone involved if his mental health was anywhere near that point in Eventually. The second reason is CAMILA, who just became a mother of 6 and absolutely does not deserve to also be shoehorned into playing therapist for a grown man. I love the idea of Camila and Jasper being friends, and Camila deserves to have a friend who, while definitely traumatized, is also mostly on top of his shit. Once he's no longer unconscious on her couch I think Jasper would be a huge help around the house and with the kids and he and Camila should be the responsible adults supporting EACH OTHER, so we don't want him to be a hidden wreck or a ticking time bomb.

So the first few years after his "death" Jasper reads parenting books as a coping mechanism. It helps him visualize where Hunter's at in his development. Every so often he thinks "he's probably taking his first steps right now" or "he should be speaking with a few words per sentence by now" and it's sad but it helps.

But eventually the baby books run out (is there really much of a market for them past, like, age 5?), and also Jasper is well aware of the fact that he left his child in an extremely bad situation. He knows what Belos is capable of, and while he has hope his kid PROBABLY won't ever see his own spinal cord, he's not stupid enough to think that being called "nephew" will actually protect Hunter from all of it. Child abuse is a thing, and it's a thing that's usually perpetrated by, y'know, family members.

There aren't any books entitled How To Unindoctrinate Your Estranged Child Soldier, but that doesn't stop him. He reads everything he can find on the subject and learns about allllll the things. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, gaslightning, manipulation, CSA. (He hopes to the Titan he won't need to know about that last one, but then he wonders if it'd be preferable to, like, being beaten to the edge of death and dragged back from the brink with healing magic multiple times, and then he just feels awful that he's even trying to decide what the "better" sort of abuse to endure would be.)

And pretty regularly he happens upon a paragraph that is, like, scarily relevant to his own lived experience and he needs to reevaluate some things. Maybe he tries to brush it off, but the more he interacts with Hunter, the less he's able to do that.

Book: Believing that love is transactional is, in fact, a sign of trauma, and not good or healthy.

Jasper: …haha, right, okay.

Hunter, at their next fight: I am LOYAL to Emperor Belos, I OWE him, and I HAVE to keep working hard so he'll LOVE me!

Jasper: Oh my Titan okay yeah this is really upsetting to hear and deal with, actually.

Sometimes after their fights Jasper has to just…go lay down and stare at the ceiling for a while before re-reading his self-help books and grumbling while he takes notes like ugh, FINE, they were RIGHT. He and Hunter end up working on their issues after their reunion because they see themselves reflected in each other and they HATE it.

Jasper: Look, I'M not important. YOU'RE the one who's important here and I WILL sacrifice myself for you.

Hunter: Dear Titan this is infuriating.

Luz: Now YOU know how it feels.

Hunter: Maybe it'd be better if I'd just died, that way I'd stop causing problems for everyone I love.

Jasper: *deep breath*

At some point in the Human Realm Hunter has a bad mental health day and locks himself in the basement, and Camila finds Jasper sitting at the kitchen table and she's like, you okay? And he's like, I've read a lot about this, but all my books and notes are back in the Demon Realm and I feel like I'm flying blind and have no idea what I'm doing. And she's like, actually that's pretty par for the course when it comes to being a parent. And he's like, oh really? That's kinda reassuring, thanks. I'll just wait and see if he wants to talk about it later.

omg.... eventually!jasper is like... he's so isolated, he doesnt have anyone he trusts and he doesnt have a single person he'd call a friend. he's fallen back on the same thing he did under belos in a way- there is one single driving motivation in his life and absolutely nothing else matters. whether it was serving the emperor or saving hunter, he HAS dedicated everything inside of him to one single person at a time. probably not great, but! he could be doing worse. also, MH jasper is having a lot of breakdowns, but its also been less than two years for him lmfao. for eventually!jasper its been sixteen!! hes had a lot of time to gather his shit together

im actually imagining the isolation is less like. immediately of a problem because hes fairly used to it. he only ever had one friend before and he didnt much trust him either, not with his secrets. so being alone is... well, just what hes used to. hes also probably like. deeply in hiding wherever he is. he doesnt have magic and his face is all fucked up and if word got back to belos about it, he would totally suspect if not outright know.

ive kind of got this mental image of- you know at the end of the time travel episode when belos goes into his little cave house and its. like. hes got normal house stuff in there. like he has shirts hanging to dry on the cave walls. sure theres like evil grimwalker stuff in there too but its the domestic items i find hysterical. so like. im imagining jasper has found himself a nice secluded cave to bunker down in but also hes had sixteen years to straight of domesticate that place. there are definitely couches in there. hes got a CB. hes probably got running water and hes stealing electricity from the neighbors. and cable. and then just books fucking everywhere. jesus christ. theyre everywhere. what else would he fucking do with his time; hunter isnt allowed out of the castle on weekdays. that is. so much time to just Do Nothing.

he probably does hang out with the CATTs on non hunter missions too, if only because some of them will fuck over belos which he actively wants, or has no impact on the hunter situation either way, but improving his relationship with the CATTs before he inevitably pisses them off again is always a good idea. also, its something to fucking do.

god yeah just. camila with this bizarre man in her house. hes not having breakdowns, he doesnt like not understand that other people have feelings, hes mostyl together, hes just fucking weird. he hasnt been around people for this long in basically his entire life. hes not wearing a mask and hes never spent so much time without a mask in his entire life. hunter is here???? hes spent 16 years trying to save hunter and uhhhh shit i did it. i am not entirely sure what to do now. turns out you can spend sixteen years planning out this reunion and then it all go out the window immediately. also hes been living in a cave and hes forgotten basic rules of being in a house sometimes. hes very POLITE and gracious to camila especially like, i imagine both him and hunter frequently thank her and offer To Do Anything She Needs and its like. so fucking funny to see them both just Like That.

omg hunter gets to actually meet hawk hunter. "haha yeah he saved my life. hes like three hundred years old and he cant talk. look at this gnarly scar hes got. he bites me a lot"

[sadsongsandwaltzes]

Hey! I’ve been following your blog for a while now and I’ve noticed we kinda have the same struggles in life. From one Christian woman to another, how do you deal with loneliness and waiting on God? I have a few things going on in my life - a new job I’m having a hard time adjusting to (I was fired for standing up for my convictions from my first job of nine years two months ago) and and there’s a man at church who was showing a mutual interest until something mysterious happened to him in February (he won’t talk to anyone about it and everyone from church said he’s been acting strange ever since). My mom wants me to move on but but I don’t want to give up on him quite yet. But she gave me a lecture and honestly, she just made me feel like more of a loser after church on Sunday. I need to give it all to God but I don’t know how! Like I can tell Him, but it hasn’t come from my heart, ya know? And I’ve been feeling so depressed and seeing my younger sister begin a relationship (something I’ve deeply desired my whole life) doesn’t help the sting any. So much loneliness and depression and I don’t know how to deal with it. Do you have any biblical advice on what to do? I’m sorry this is so long

Firstly, good on you for standing by what you believe, regarding your job. It’s very easy to buckle in those situations. So while it’s led to a more difficult situation, you did the right thing. Just wanted to give you props.

Now. As far as your main question. I can commiserate. But I am not the picture of someone who is necessarily “stable” and has it all figured out. A few years ago I might’ve tried to craft some sort of paragraph of Bible verses that you and I both know that you already know. But not now. So perhaps I’ll try honest commiseration instead. There are times my loneliness and heartache drives me to the Word and sincere meditation. There are other times it drives me to the bottle. I’m not someone who has it all together and has healthy coping mechanisms all the time. And I really don’t have an understanding as to how I get through it other than the Lord keeps me and pulls me through. Nothing, not even my own stupidity and sin, will separate me from Christ because Christ has me. So my ability to cope with these things ebbs and flows. The only constant is Christ. I can be drunk off my butt or stewing in anger at the Lord, and He’s still there. Lord, forgive me.

What I have very tangibly learned through that though is the necessity of prayer and the Word as a shelter. If you’re stuck in a cold, rainy storm, Christ is the shelter. He blocks the rain and the wind and He’ll get you through the storm alive. But He does not take the storm away. And you’re still gonna feel the cold.

And I think accepting the fact that there are times or aspects of your life where you’re gonna feel the cold has made it easier to actually trust God. Because I’m not expecting Him to remove the cold anymore. Just block what’s gonna kill me. And I know He will do that. Because He has my whole life.

I also think I’ve lived enough life and — particularly with relationships — have experienced enough times where I thought I knew what I wanted or something made so much sense to me at the time that I couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t work out. But then the Lord eventually showed me why. Helped me to understand. So at this point, when I’m in a situation like that, I’m still gonna mope and complain because I’m incredibly emotional and therefore my lows are extremely low, but I intellectually know the Lord will bring me through. Because He has time and time again.

Nowhere in the Bible does it promise that our lives on this earth will be easy. In fact, it guarantees trials. But the Lord also promises He is always with us. So take God’s promises for exactly what they are: nothing more, nothing less. Because God is not a liar.

I don’t know why God always let’s such heartache or stress happen. But I suppose if you need to learn patience, the only way you can do that is by being forced to be patient. If you need to learn to trust the Lord, the only way to say that is to be forced to trust the Lord. And a loss of a job and problems in your love life are two situations that will definitely make you feel as if you have nothing left but to simply trust and be patient in the Lord. The Lord is working on you. Everything happens for a reason.

If you want a piece of practical advice about loneliness that I’ve taken to since the last time I had a meltdown last summer over yet another disappointing guy: don’t pass up opportunity. Never. Not just relationally either. Since that happened, I’ve agreed to so many outings or trips or events I never would’ve had I not been so desperate for anything to do but stare at a wall alone and drink booze. Even the smallest things matter. I’ve never once regretted taking an opportunity — even if it didn’t go quite right lol — but I have always regretted passing it up. And I’ve made so many good memories and learned so many skills because of it. But even relationally, you have to put yourself out there. I know we all want God to just drop someone on our doorstep to fill the void or to fix the broken relationships in our lives, but that’s not how it works. Example: a few days ago I ran into a guy from high school at the store. He looked familiar but I couldn’t place who he was right away, so I kinda blew him off. But I finally placed who he was. And after stewing on it, I messaged him last night. He still hasn’t responded and I don’t know if he will or not. And this is not something I ever would’ve done before. But the only potential is for gain. Either he responds and I, at the very least, can maybe gain a new friend. Or he doesn’t… but he’s not someone I had in my life currently anyways so it’s not like I’m losing anything. It’s really scary putting yourself out there, but you have to. And even if the opportunities that arise aren’t exactly in the track you would’ve made for yourself… just take them anyways. It may be 1000000000x better in the long run than what you’re sitting and wishing will happen. And I’m not entirely sure if all of this is because I’ve gotten more mature, or if this is the foolish rambling of a lady with nothing else to lose. But I think it’s right.

If you want to beat loneliness, the only way to do it is to put yourself in situations where you can’t be lonely. And it’s terrifying. But that’s just the fact of the matter.

If you want simply biblical advice, I’ll leave you with: seek shelter in the Lord. And keep your mind on things above. Circling that back to the practical advice: stewing on the things of this earth and what *we* would wish would happen if *we* were god is part of what prevents us from truly living life and trusting the Lord. Think eternally.

I don’t know if this is what you needed to hear, but I really hope it is. Especially because I know I’m veering off the “here’s some feel good Bible verses and a heart emoji” response that most people give. Which is probably the response you were seeking. But I think this response is more honest and practical. And hopefully you can make something of it.

Trust the Lord. Seek shelter in the Lord. Remember the shelter doesn’t remove the storm. And through the storm, be taking the opportunities the Lord gives you. Because ultimately it’s His will, not yours.

You are in my prayers. And I know your pain.

[imhere-imqueer-ilikedeer]

do it. wrote that monster essay of a post.

(/nf. talking about those like 40 something questions)

okay :D

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are? 

Figuring out i was queer 

Writing my book 

My friends 

show us a picture of your handwriting? 

what made you start your blog? 

I was introduced to tumblr via pinterest, and decided to make one :) 

what scares you the most and why? 

Not dying, but the effect my dying would have on people. Also choking. 

tell a story about your childhood 

Once I had spaghetti (probably about 6yo) and was so adamant that it tasted like tuna that i threw a fit. It did not have tuna in it, and I have never lived that down. 

would you say you’re an emotional person? 

Not really. 

what do you consider to be romance? 

I have no idea. That’s for the allos, not me, lol 

what’s some good advice you want to share? 

Sit outside in the dark and talk to the stars. It's fun. 

what are you doing right now? 

This. 

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”? 

My house, or this really specific vibe i sometimes get where the air is cold even when it’s not and I feel like the trees are whispering to me even when I'm not outside.  

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 

Be able to not procrastinate.  

name 3 things that make you happy 

My dogs 

Darkness 

writing 

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens? 

I believe in ghosts in the way that when you die people still remember you, and ideas and images of you still exist. As for aliens, I’d say it’s near impossible that we are the only ones in this huge universe. 

favourite thing about the day? 

Just before bed. 

favourite things about the night? 

The stars and cold air. 

are you a spiritual person? 

In a sense, I guess? Not religion, but I like thinking about how things work. 

say 3 things about someone you love 

They’re loud and I’m not 

We both love the same things but we love them differently 

They make me feel actual emotion  

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for? 

My writing 

fave season and why? 

Winter because of fireplaces and rain and green plants. 

fave colour and why? 

Not sure, it changes a lot, usually some green blue or orange 

any nicknames? 

For some inexplicable reason my sister used to call me doughy. 

do you collect anything? 

Rocks, snowglobes, cool words, lists 

what do you do when you’re sad? 

Doomscroll until I feel better (we love healthy coping mechanisms) 

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier? 

My best friend 

are you messy or organised? 

organised 

how many tabs do you have open right now? 

5. I get stressed out if i have more than 7 

any hobbies? 

Writing. 

any pet peeves? 

When fans of sport say “we won” or “we did really well”. Why “we”??? I didn’t see you running out on the field??  

do you trust easily? 

Probably. 

are you an open book or do you have walls up? 

Walls.  

share a secret 

I think I'm a therian but the thought of another thing to figure out about myself stresses me out so I don’t think about it. 

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why? 

Thomas Sanders. Hopefully if you follow me you know why. 

any bad habits? 

Biting my nails. 

(i didn't answer some purely because i didn't know what to answer, but there you go :D )

[story-book-sillies]

Hello! Could I get some regressor!Rey headcanons? :D If it’s not too much trouble please with just black and purple letters! The brighter ones hurt my eyes a bit to read ^-^ but they’re pretty to look at!!!

Rey as a regressor!

Characters from Star Wars

…

-Little age is 5-6

-She regresses due to trauma and because she missed out on a lot of her childhood

-Regresses both voluntarily and involuntarily

-Her main caregivers are Finn and Poe

-Rey had no idea what regression was at first, but she knew something was up when she kept feeling weird, overwhelmed, and like she was a kid again, just not in a good way. More of like, “I feel like I want to cry, where’s my mom?” kind of way

-She was regressing involuntarily, she just didn’t know that at the time

-She asked Finn about it first, (she wasn’t even embarrassed to ask him, she was just curious) but he didn’t know, so they asked Poe

-Poe had heard a little bit about regression, (everyone was coping with the war differently, and healthy mechanisms were being whispered about from time to time) but he wasn’t well read on the topic

-After some research, they all sort of figured it out together, and Finn and Poe both decided to try being Rey’s caregivers

-She’s started regressing for fun after that, but sometimes she still regresses involuntarily too

-Luckily, she’s got two awesome caregivers to help her out!

-Definitely a rowdy little! She’s got loads of energy!

-Loves to snack too! Always hungry!

-She has a difficult time listening to rules, not because she doesn’t want to listen, but because her mind is all over the place

-She can’t focus on more than one thing at a time!

-Plays with BB-8 when Finn and Poe are busy

-She will play tag with him, chasing the little droid around outside or through the halls of their base

-Poe is a mischievous caregiver and lets her gets away with everything

-Finn is more rule oriented and is always telling her to be careful!

-Will sleep in the most random places

-Sometimes she’s laying on the floor, other times she’s in some storage closet. She will nap in any nook and cranny she can find

-Doesn’t really have any gear, but she loves blankets!

-They keep her warm and cozy since she gets cold easily

-She does have some toys though because she never really had any growing up

-Finn gave her a porg plush that’s small enough to keep with her in a pocket or satchel

-Poe gifted her some model starships and they play with them together

-When she involuntarily regresses, she will cry a little bit and find one of her caregivers to seek comfort

-When this happens, the trio will form a cuddle pile!

-Physical contact from her two friends helps ground her and comforts her when everything feels like too much

-Everyone around base doesn’t think twice about her regression. They’ve all seen weirder things, and if that’s what helps her cope while fighting in the war, they believe she should do it

-And if anyone does question her, Finn and Poe are there to back her up!

…

Thank you for the request! This one was super fun to work on! Rey is quite the comfort character for me, so it was a pleasure getting to write out headcanons for her! I hope you like them!

Request are open! Just make sure to check out my pinned post before requesting something! Also, if you ever want anything specific for your request, please don’t hesitate to ask me! Even if you want certain colors for the text, I will 100% tailor it to your preference! If there’s anything I can do to make your viewing experience easier or more enjoyable, please don’t be afraid to let me know!

[purrincess-chat]

Some people say that Adrienette breakup is the only way we can get Ladrien.

Listen, I am a Ladrien bitch, but I don't actually think we NEED Ladrien to get together. I think that ship has sailed. (Literally)

Look, is playing with the different sides fun? Yes. Would it have been fun to see each side have its time to shine? Absolutely. My issue with breakups and get back togethers at this point is the way they've set Adrinette up throughout s5. Well, since s1 really, but s5 especially.

We have been waiting literal, actual YEARS for these two to do something. The requited love in s5 was years in the making. If they wanted to play with the Ladrien romantic potential, they should have done it within that time. Doing it now is just like ehh, okay? At this point, it would be doing it just to say they did it, and I am a Ladrien stan. Am I annoyed with the lost potential of that side? 100% yes. But I just don't see it being viable romantically after s5 without some kind of reveal happening. Believe me, I want Ladrien hugs and kisses more than anyone, but Adrinette fought way too damn hard in s5 just to be together. Doing away with them is just kind of like okay? Then what was the point?

And miss me with the argument that shows do it all the time because for me, if a couple breaks up and gets back together all the time, that's not healthy. That does not demonstrate to me that the couple has healthy coping mechanisms, and if they get together again, what guarantee do I have that it will stick? I don't root for those couples. A majority of my favorite fictional couples are couples who get together and work to stay together. Leslie/Ben from Parks and Rec (and yes, I know they technically broke up for a short time but it was a very specific and believable circumstance. I'm talking about the several seasons they were together without breaking up after that), Jake/Amy from Brooklyn 99, Sakura/Syaoran from Cardcaptor Sakura. All of those couples have gotten together and had plenty of story after getting together where they grew in meaningful ways, and their relationship wasn't boring or a detriment to that. It made their romance more satisfying to see them go through things together (or even separately) and stay together. That's real love.

There are plenty of meaningful ways they can grow as characters while being in a relationship. We saw that throughout s5 with how hard they worked to figure their relationship out and make it work, and that's why I'm rooting for them. They worked for that shit, and I think they deserve it. They deserve to just be happy and in love. They can still continue to grow separately as characters and within the bonds of their relationship. Them being together doesn't automatically mean their development has stopped and won't continue. They don't need to breakup to continue to be interesting. To me, continuing the will-they-wont-they with more breakups and get back togethers would be boring. We've had plenty of wondering if/when/how they will get together. They are together now. I am personally now more interested in how they continue to grow together. How the other sides are different now that they are together. How the dynamics will shift and progress them further leading to an eventual reveal. That's what interests me about future seasons.

Idk, I find it really, really weird that we were begging for something to happen with the love square for years. We begged for them to get together, and now that they are finally together people are begging for them to break up. And for why? A lot of people never even tried to enjoy it. It's weird to me, nonny, and I think it's just a testament of the toxicity of parts of this fandom. I love, love, love Ladrien. I don't think they need an episode to be together romantically at this point. They should have done it a long time ago. I personally want to see them interact with a new dynamic at this point. We can still get Ladrien, it just won't be like what it was, and that's fine. It's fine for all of the sides to adopt new dynamics now that one side is dating. I would actually hope that would happen.

Cause let's be real, Ladybug still having mad heart eyes for her bf but having to pretend he's just another normal citizen who she definitely isn't going to makeout with later? Adrien still sweating bc m'lady pls I'm begging let me go so I can transform and help you?

At this point, some people should just stick to fanfic. 🤷‍♀️

[something-tofightfor]

I have to be honest. When I first met Tess I didn't like her. Couldn't tell you exactly why I just didn't vibe with her. Watching how she and Joel were in the game VS the show was interesting and I think I still like the game version of Tess a little more but now I get why you like Tess so much. Now I wish I'd gotten more time with her

I can understand that - she's not very likable in the game; she's short and hot-tempered and ruthless, and there's not much time for her to change that. We really only see her 'break' with Joel, and even that's in very small doses. I think as a viewer, you're supposed to be wary of her (and for good reason - she was meant to be an antagonist in the first game, so Im sure some of her characteristics and even some dialogue from that plotline stayed even though others changed).

But from the get go, I liked that Joel had someone that he didn't have to hide from - whatever he was, she ALSO was, and it might not have been healthy, but it was a coping mechanism, and he wasn't alone, even when he probably would have liked to be. She didn't take shit from him, and he knew it.

Show Tess was everything I wanted and so much more, and it's not just the confirmation of her place in Joel's life.

She was sassy and in control and understood how the world worked, but still let herself feel. She stayed with Joel and learned him, and she was his opposite in a lot of ways, but was definitely his equal. They needed each other, but didn't let that need distract them from the lives they needed to live in order to survive. Yes, she was a lot more open in her affection with him, and a lot more willing to believe in things like Ellie and the mission and the fact that when things happen, you can't dwell on them you just have to figure out what's next.

Despite what she went through (that didn't make the show, but was PLANNED) she was able to retain some of the most important aspects of her humanity, and even though they had to be hidden a LOT, she didn't lose them or lose hope entirely.

Pedro and Anna onscreen together was magic, and even though we only got a few glimpses of this, it's clear to me that they very, very thoroughly talked over what they wanted to bring to life with these characters, and what mindset they were in when it came to each other. And it shows. It shows in very touch and every glance and every microexpression in a way that wasn't possible (even with the Remake, though her sacrifice scene there is heartbreaking as hell now with the new animations).

I think that the overarching theme of Joel's life in TLOU is that for each stage of it, there's a girl or a woman that is important to him for one or more reasons. Sarah. Tess. Ellie. Even Abby (though I'm not sure you know who she is yet so I won't say anything in detail) had a significant reason to be in his life and impact it the way she did.

[citylawns]

hi i'm really curious about your last post. you bring subjects and reflect about them in ways that i've never done before. and makes me reflect as well. i just don't understand how trying to control urself by having a routine is somewhat linked to male gaze - can you explore it a little bit further? i want to dive in this subject. love the way you write about your thoughts and opinions

I’m covertly referring to anorexia and maintaining your physical appearance.

E.g. Skincare routines are not about health, they’re about maintaining beauty standards which are defined by the male gaze. Unless you have a literal dermatological problem, a spot is not a sign of sickness, they’re just considered ugly.

ED’s generally (not always) operate as coping mechanisms, most commonly when a persons life is out of control they in turn restrict their food intake to give a false/real sense of control of life/body, which is rewarded by society because the messaging everywhere is about weight loss, thinness, and health which is massively hijacked by beauty standards so a lot of health information is very corrupt.

I’m not saying any routine = anorexia, I’m referring to a specific mentality whereby a person feels overwhelmed or has low self esteem and because of social messaging turns to trying to improve their life by micro managing all their behaviours to become 1. Physically healthy/attractive 2. Productive for capitalist society 3. Socially desired and if you get too extreme and rigid with your routines you end up hurting yourself and developing an ED and toxic relationship to yourself. Also the idea about doing all of this constantly is inhumane. Cocktail of capitalistic pressure and neoliberalism (e.g. you are responsible for all your success and failures which ignores any social conditions that may make things harder/easier).

ED symptoms also overlap with other mental health issues like OCD, they are I think one of the most comorbid mental health problems. I don’t think most anorexics are genuinely thinking about the male gaze, and I hate criticisms that boil them down to that because there’s usually more going on, a significant portion of disordered eating and diets IS due to wanting to maintain a socially desirable figure.

You say “I don’t see how trying to control yourself is linked to the male gaze” but I’m talking about someone trying to change their appearance, and in our culture how can you separate that from the male gaze??? Even if it’s not that persons first thought, they still benefit from it and get rewarded if they have glowy skin and silky hair and a slim curvy figure achieved by putting this immense pressure on themselves to change their appearance. Same goes with the routine of working for career gains, how can you separate that from a capitalist culture?

This girl is the best example of what I’m talking about. Fucking everywhere is “glow up” culture and she took part in it and it ruined her life for years.

She speaks about how negatively she felt about herself when she wasn’t meeting certain standards of beauty/“health”, so she developed these hard mega strict and unsustainable routines and diets to get her to those standards which then always failed and then she’d always be punished by herself and by her audience for “failing” meaning gaining some weight

[mamabearwonders]

Rant.

People will report folks for venting then turn around and reblog about mental health and encourage people to talk about their feelings. YOU'RE adding to the mental health crisis!

Life isn't all cotton candy and sprinkles and unicorns dancing on rainbows. I wish it was. I wish I could live in the Candy Land Forest. You bet. But it's not and expecting people to constantly put on a facade of being happy then throwing a fit about it is all I need to know about your personality.

Here's how their mind works. They find some suffering soul that they don't see as a human being. So they try to dissect them and figure out how to fix them when they're not even broken. They don't want to accept that PTSD leave certain scars that don't fully heal. So they like to give a lot of false hope and if you're not giving in to false hope then you're not trying according to them.

False hope just makes people more depressed. You don't have to be condescending to someone and act like after they've suffered some horrific events in their life they're going to be exactly the same. You can acknowledge what they've been through and listen to their pain and that's what helps. I stuck around my friends this many years because they're not insufferable people.

Where if I'm around people that constantly expect me to be happy or I can't talk about my thoughts without being subjected to going to a psych ward where people are more abused there than helped. Or if I'm around people that think that they can pick my healing for me or force me to heal when I just don't want to like those are the people that aren't even trying to be helpful. They're just trying to play savior. They just see you as a broken project and they want to put you back together.

While people that I know they acknowledge the pain we've been through. They don't guilt trip or force or do anything, but I know that they care. They just know that constantly throwing things in my face is not going to help me and they're just there for me.

These people in their mind swamp I think that reporting people is going to force them to get better. Actually all you're doing is shutting down people for venting about their feelings and thoughts. You're making them feel ashamed of either being a survivor or dealing with shit that's painful beyond all measure. It is so difficult for people to talk about their trauma sometimes.

All you're doing is isolating them from people that understand them and get them. You're taking away their ability to vent and write which is a healthy thing if that's what you're trying to go for thinking that reporting them is going to force them to be healthy well you just took away a healthy coping mechanism and you took away friends which is another one.

It's just this whole act of playing savior and if you don't want to be treated like a lab rat by them then they get all offended about it. If you don't want to listen to people's pain or people's stories you don't have to. You can just scroll by, you don't have to report the person and not cut them off from their support systems.

Here's what actually helps people. Being there, listening, acknowledging someone's pain, not trying to fix every little thing that a friend is venting about and genuinely listen without trying to fix. Basically seen people as human beings is what's going to help people if that's what you're trying to do.

But forcing, manipulating, coursing or bullying somebody into healing especially if it's your version of healing and you're not listening to what they want for their healing it's not going to help anybody if you're taking away somebody's friends and their means of venting is not helping. Basically now they're dealing with the same issues, they just can't talk about their feelings or go to their friends.