#i think i actually gave myself a migraine thinking about this

[bogusfilth]

I guess I'm going to passively @edwad on this because it was originally sort of supposed to be an ask for him only because. idk. as a tumblr commie he's our collective econ-theory advice columnist i guess. but i couldn't keep it short enough and it's more about me just talking to myself anyway. but I'm sitting here reading Skidelsky's edited Essential Keynes volume and it gets to the selections from the Tract on Monetary Reform. and Keynes says something about the natural interest rate and I'm trying to dredge something up from my brain about Sraffa's argument against a natural interest rate and end up falling down the rabbit hole on that a little bit and Wicksell's idea vs Hayek's idea of said concept. and I'm thinking about how every time I try to handle these ideas their concepts of things like "rent" and "interest" seems very slippery over time. and maybe I'm just broadly not well read enough. and how long it took me in high school even just to understand a substantialist value-concept from reading the opening chapters of capital.

but like what I really don't understand is the relationship of Marx's Critique taken more in its status as Critique to the conceptually related but still heterogeneous traditions of economics that come after him, in a way that isn't just attempting to rehabilitate the classical approach, or something like Ben Fine's critique of the explosion-implosion of the assumptions of marginalist theory, or like. idk Eatwell's constant insistence that modern macro is built on sand because of the Cambridge Capital controversy or whatever. those feel like attempts to say "the way we're doing economics is wrong" but is that warranted or useful if we're trying to say that the real insights of Marx are the places where he's doing something beyond just "these guys are doing economics wrong." Given the whole thing about the "categories of bourgeois economics" in the section on commodity fetishism, do we not have to follow the shifts in those categories, rather than say "well only the earlier categories were actually right."

in any case. re: the glorious-revolution posting from User @'ed Above I think it's interesting to look at this pivot to examining maybe something like more concrete a) financial technologies and b) policy as something important and like. idk I guess i've been personally meaning to tackle something like broader longue durée history. and I would really hope to end up with something like world-systems theory but more informed by a more critical approach to the economic concepts involved.

[nocherryblood]

May I add: living with chronic anything.

Sometimes people with chronic conditions do everything they can to avoid making symptoms worse, or to manage their existing pain. Creams, meds, long medical treatments, etc. Sometimes it's long and monotonous, and people are still in pain afterwards. Sometimes it's more manageable.

Sometimes, people with chronic conditions might not want to do that. Sometimes they just want to carry on as they are. Maybe it's health risks, or monetary reasons, or it's just not worth it. Sometimes people just don't want to do it, full stop.

Chronic conditions are chronic for one reason: even if they come and go in bouts, even if they're "not that bad"... they don't go away. Sometimes they remain forever, sometimes they may go away. But either way, you will have them for a significant portion of time.

Some people have cures and medicine that helps them to live as uninterrupted as possible, some don't- whether it's access to funds to get it, or because there literally just isn't something like that out there in the world, or maybe it's too risky. Sometimes you can be cured of one thing and it causes another, or it can come back, or, even if your main symptoms are gone, you may be left permanently affected by what the condition did to your body.

Some people have low pain or needs- this doesn't mean they're "overreacting" or "being too dramatic". Pain, even on a low scale, can be absolutely debilitating over a prolonged period of time. Sometimes, medical specialists can get very temperamental over this- personally, my conditions always get missed on 95% tests even if the markers to indicate I have them are there, so the specialists are very reluctant to give me help at first because they don't understand how much my pain affects my life until I prove to them that that help supports me to try to carry on as best as possible. This meme pretty much sums it up (for those who are confused, π, or, pi, is a number that never ends- the calculation for it has been going on for hundreds upon hundreds of years and we're still nowhere near the end seemingly):

On the other hand, some people experience extremely high pain levels and/or are severely affected by their chronic conditions, so much so that it limits them from doing a majority, if not all, of their daily life activities. Some can manage with a carer or assistant, some cannot. That doesn't make them "useless" or "unworthy" or "lazy". They are valuable as all humans are to each other, no matter whether or not they can work "like everyone else" to fulfill that cruel, uncaring, devaluing shitshow of modern expectations of an adult or not. Human decency and care for each other shouldn't ever be associated in the slightest with output or ability.

Sometimes, people's conditions are "intrusive" and/or affect other people's lives (e.g. family becoming carers or assistants, needing more support, being unable to control impulses or body functions) and whilst, yes, sometimes they can take effort to deal with by people on the outside, the person themselves is not incontrol of their condition and complaining 24/7 about it to them will just make them feel like crap. Contrary to popular belief, many people with chronic conditions are actually extremely aware of the effect of their condition on themselves and especially others, and are constantly overcompensating for it and putting so much effort into dampening it down just to make it more "palatable" for others. You don't need to tell them what they already know- if something's really affecting you, maybe come up with a realistic way to help before you ream off about how much something they're having to deal with is annoying you.

Please, don't expect someone to move mountains if you're not going to give them the rope.

And the final point I'm going to make is... please, for the love of your own compassion, sometimes there are people who are tired of having to constantly have to avoid triggers or irritants (e.g. with skin conditions), and want to allow themselves some semblance of being able to live like fully non-chronically affected (i.e. not living with a chronic condition) people for a while.

Concern is a lovely thing to have, but sometimes, people just want to have a bit of a break, y'know? I understand if there's concern about someone continually, severely harming themselves with their actions (i.e. eating an allergen they're highly allergic to, or something that could seriously harm them long-term)- of course, speak to them or try to empathise with them and then bring up your concerns, or come up with something alternative for them.

But if it's a short-term thing? Just let me have this one thing, please- my mental health needs it too. Don't judge me for wanting to have one long night out even if I'm chronically exhausted or easily get overwhelmed. Don't judge me if I have chronic skin conditions but want to have one nice perfume or pretty bath even though I'll be barely able to tolerate clothes in the morning. Don't tell someone they're dumb because they want to take a walk even if they may not be able to keep moving for long. I, and they, can regulate ourselves- we know the risk vs. the reward and sometimes you just want to do "normal" things for once.

Just... please. We're not defined by our conditions, but it doesn't mean we're not constantly affected by them too. They're a part of us, they're not always a welcome part of us, but they're there and we have to deal with them. Just please don't forget: just because we seem happy or fine, doesn't mean we can't be in pain.

when u go to write a mentally ill person in ur story you are presented two options. the first option is to write your mental illness realistically as you actually experience it with all the ups and downs and people who are like you will resonate with it and feel seen. except every person who reads instagram infographics on mental health that uses the phrase narcicisst for anyone who does anything that crosses them and unironically call themself a dark empath will call you scary and tell you that youre demonizing mentally ill people

the second option is to lie and write inspiration porn for those people to get hard to

[oflgtfol]

Not to pry or anything but do u take any migraine meds? I take rizotriptan and it’s a comfort just having it with me tbh

no i just rawdog life unmedicated lmfao.

so the thing is, i had a very strict schedule where i got a migraine once every 2 years on the dot give or take a few months. summer 2012. summer 2014. january 2017. fall 2019. fall 2021. i wasnt expecting one until fall 2023 then all the sudden fall 2022 i got two only a few months apart, and then i had another one back in february or march 2023. so ive had three now that were completely off schedule and so thats whats making me so nervous and on edge all the time because my whole schedule was thrown off. if they don’t adhere to a schedule, then it can happen at any time, so i can never relax. when it was only once every 2, 2.5 years then its like whatever man i knew when to expect it i knew what time of the year i had to be wary and then i could relax during off schedule times. so there’s the fact that my migraines used to be A. on a schedule and B. very far apart at that, and then ultimately C. my migraines are pretty short lasting so its like, i’ll suffer through it for the 6-8 hours. so really no i don’t think i need medication nor do i even want it. its fine. its just something i need to keep an eye on and deal with when it comes

but then with the way my migraines started going off schedule, my mom suggested i take excedrin since it helps her, but frankly the last time i got a migraine i took excedrin and it actually made it worse. like it definitely lessened the pain and it was actually the one and only time i got through a migraine without puking at all, but it was still, ultimately, a migraine and my main way of coping with them is just sleeping through it. but the caffeine in excedrin made it impossible for me to sleep and so i was just writhing in pain for fucking two hours before i finally finally fell asleep. so yeah i would actually rather not take excedrin again if it means that i can sleep through the whole ordeal even if my symptoms during my waking moments are worse. and i havent tried out any other meds really due to everything in the previous paragraph

[livwritessometimes]

F1 Drivers & Their Couples Halloween Costumes

: Max Verstappen, Lando Norris, Oscar Piastri, Charles Leclerc, Carlos Sainz, George Russell, Lewis Hamilton, Pierre Gasly, Alex Albon, Franco Colapinto, and Daniel Ricciardo

: Main Masterlist

: Author’s Note - Ik I’m a little late, but I had terrible migraine and just could not bring myself to finish this. But here we are! Here are some costumes I think that F1 Drivers will wear with their girlfriends

…

Max Verstappen

- Was absolutely against any stupid costume but the moment he saw this, it was over for him.

- For someone who was not interested in dressing up, Max took an awfully long time to make the cat’s head.

- Tried to show his outfit to Jimmy and Sassy……ya let’s just say, it did not go as well as he would have liked it to go 🤭

Lando Norris

- I mean….do I even need to explain this one???

- Lando was the one who came up with the idea (shocker)

- Put more effort and dedication into making the boobs than he does in race strategy! (He’d like to call this costume his life’s best work)

Oscar Piastri

- After rejecting several costume ideas (which included salt & pepper, socket & plug, jam & toast) he finally gave in to this costume (not that he had a choice)

- Decided to be Pete (totally called McLaren to get the orange hoodie set)

- Wanted to truly understand the essence of the character (spent 20+ hours trying to memorise the rap)

Charles Leclerc

- Honestly….even Charles has no idea why he suggested this costume.

- He wanted to do something fun….so he asked Arthur for help (this actually explains a lot why he was dressed like The Simpsons)

- This costume really grows on him, especially the headpiece (the expression reminds him of his years in Ferrari)

Carlos Sainz

- Tbh he has no idea what he’s doing! He’s just happy to be included.

- He doesn’t have many opinions about the costume; he just likes the fact that he gets to be close to his girlfriend.

- Gets so many compliments that he’s already started planning for next year’s couples costume.

George Russell

- Made a bet with Alex about who can become the most iconic Disney duo….hence Darla and Nemo 🐟

- Is more than happy to wear an orange wig, plaid skirt and glittery sweatshirt…🤨

- Even called Toto and asked him to play the dentist as a way to gain bonus points.

Lewis Hamilton

- He would rather die than be caught in these tacky outfits….which is why he found the best costume to wear!

- Got the suits custom made from the best designers (yes the alien is also custom made 👽)

- Won the best costume award (are we even surprised tho 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Pierre Gasly

- Just don’t ask why….this is what Pierre came up with!

- Now you might think the girlfriend is dressed as the chicken. Well….YOU’RE WRONG!!!

- Pierre insisted on dressing up as the chicken (bonus: he even asked Yuki to dress up as a knife)

Alex Albon

- Made a bet with George and he knew exactly what he wanted to become!!

- Truth be told, Alex made one hell of a Vector.

- He was surprisingly good at putting on the bald cap for Gru….which makes you wonder this isn’t the first time he’s done this 🤔

Franco Colapinto

- He had no intention of dressing up but got invited by the other drives, so he had to come up with something QUICK!

- Voila! Did a quick google search and decided to dress up as the first thing he saw.

- Not the best costume but 8/10 for his efforts and last minute planning 🥉

Daniel Ricciardo

- Does this not look like a pose Daniel would 100% do!!!!

- He said #Green&Proud

- Tried a lot to convince Max to dress up as the donkey 🫏….ya it didn’t happen!

…

Tags: @wobblymug | @evasmlp | @ln8118 |

[luvzxr]

Little Pougie

Hi! I'm back from a long break. I've been working on this book that originally is posted on wattpad and it's ongoing currently. I wanted to branch out from my previous posts from video games to shows as well.

This story also is originally using my OC's name and I'm not very good with coming up with alternatives to make the story for people who want to use their OC's or their own names. I will do my best though because I also don't like using the (Y/N) stuff but we shall see. anyways, onto chapter one.

Next chapter

01. Kegger

I wish I had stayed at home, curled up on the couch with my hair up in a messy bun and some stupid microwaveable meal on the coffee table in front of me. I wish I never let my older brother, John B, rip me away from the comfort of our own home to come to a kegger, or in other words- a party that I most certainly did not want to attend.

"John B," I tugged the hem of his loosely worn shirt. I've been so uneasy the entire night I've completely forgotten what it means to be content, "when are we leaving?"

"Just a little longer, Poguie. I promise," He gave a soft but playful nudge with his elbow.

'Just a little longer' means we'll be here till daybreak or until I pester him enough to drive me home himself. Time meant nothing to him when a Pouge party was happening.

I was more than eager to go back home and I grew more and more impatient the longer I stood there in hopes John B would change his mind and offer me a ride home of his own free will but that would only happen if hell froze over.

Pouges had no reason to throw parties, they just would and at this point being the sister of one and considered one myself by our peers and friends you would think I'd have no problem with participating but the word parties always left a bitter taste on the tip of my tongue. In what way does a night filled with hammered teenagers and raging migraines the next morning sound appealing?

The time we spent there grew longer and once it hit ten o'clock I couldn't take it anymore and made the utter decision to leave my older brother's side and push past the sweaty bodies and blotched faces.

I was sure that John B would grow increasingly tense once he'd start to realize my absence and after having practically the whole town on a wild goose chase- only to find me safely at home and also find time to lecture me about how I need to stay with him at all times. Yet I couldn't find even just an ounce in me to care about the repercussions of leaving on my own.

Luckily, none of John B's friends were around to stop me from reaching the main road, as everyone I left behind were either trying to find any way possible of getting a free hook up or a free buzz.

All I could keep my mind set on was crashing on the couch and tuning out to either The Vampire Diaries or jamming out to a random playlist of mine on the stereo. To some that might be one of the most boring activities you could be doing on a Friday night but to me it sounded like absolute bliss.

I wanted to die, After what felt like hours of heaving and gasping for air, I had finally reached the house where I could kick off my Chuck Taylor's and crash on the couch with my original plan. But first, I needed a snack because my stomach was probably on the verge of kicking my own butt if I didn't prioritize the next five seconds of finding something to satisfy the hunger.

I make my way to our kitchen, flicking on the light, and began scanning through the different varieties of food held within the cabinets and fridge. I quickly settled with a chocolate pudding cup stashed in the very back of our cabinet that seemed my brother tried to hide so desperately.

"Little Pouge?"

"Jesus!" I shrieked, practically throwing my enclosed pudding cup as a poor excuse for self-defense. If there was an actual intruder he'd probably have already made off with what we had left that was considered valuable.

I relax my nerves upon seeing a much more familiar blonde boy standing in the doorway and not an intruder ready to high-tail out of here with whatever he could.

"Sorry." a sheepish grin creeping on his face, "didn't mean to startle you, Little one."

JJ Maybank is my big brother's best friend since the third grade and he's also one of the very few people I didn't mind stopping by whenever he felt like it and lounge around the house as if he lived here himself. He's been in my life for as long as I could even remember because John B was never without him and ever since our father went missing it was always me, John B, and JJ so that surely helped our bond develop over time.

'Little Pouge' however was a nickname given to me by my brother and his friends. It was something the Pouges wanted to have special for me considering to them that 'y/n/n' was too bland to call me. I don't know a single one of them who doesn't call me Little Pouge or Pougie. That nickname has been with me for so long that even Kooks seem to be catching onto the idea of being referred to as those rather than my birth name.

Many Kooks have tried calling me the nickname's just to get under John B's skin or even JJ's but a lot of the time that ended in the boys beating a Kook to a pulp and the rest of their night spent in a six by eight foot holding cell and the horrible back pains that came with it in the morning when I'd bail them out.

I feel my face grow hot from embarrassment, "What are you doing here JJ?"

"John B couldn't find you so he sent me out looking for ya," he says, giving a curt nod towards the direction behind him, indicating my brother sent him out to hunt me down.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. John B acts as if I can't spend even just a little bit of time by myself anywhere and that I constantly need someone to watch over me like a little kid- I'm not a little kid, I'm a year younger than him, and perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

I let out a groan, "I'm not a little kid, JJ. When is he going to understand that."

He made his way over to me, leaning forward so that he could rest his elbow on the countertop and his chin in the palm of his hand.

"He's just worried about you (y/n). You're the only family he's got left other than our little group as far as he knows." JJ states. "Plus, with all the Kooks at the party too he was worried that maybe one of 'em kidnapped ya."

"Hm."

"Ah Princess, don't be like that. He's looking out for you." He ruffles my hair.

He gave a soft grin before making his way over to the couch, swinging himself over the top and landing perfectly in a comfortable seated position.

Why does he never just walk around the side like a normal person?

Not long after JJ made himself comfortable on the couch is when I decided to do the same thing.

I take a good look at him, at his side profile, the way he clenches his jaw ever so slightly out of pure justification. His father had beat on him so many times he'd probably never have the same jaw alignment as he once had and a part of me wished that I was closer to him than just his best bud's little sister because he didn't open up to anyone, he doesn't allow anyone to get too close to him and in a way I understand.

Being as close to JJ as I was now I could smell the severe alcohol on his breath. It was no secret that Pouges drank, it was more common than you'd actually think but I could only imagine how his liver must have felt and practically beg him to take a break. On top of that, I also knew JJ was into a lot of different kinds of substances. He used those as an escape route, a way to completely make the pain go away for a temporary amount of time before he had to rejoin the rest of us in reality.

He tended to do his best to stay away from pain, choosing to ignore anything and everything that even remotely had the chance to trigger the emotion. He tried to bottle all of it up and throw it out the window as if it had never existed in the first place but like every human being, there comes a time when that glass bottle fills to the brim and then it explodes.

"JJ."

"Hm?" He raised an eyebrow, turning his head towards me to give his full attention.

I paused. He wasn't going to like the question I had in store for him so was I really ready to potentially ruin the small, yet sweet relationship I had with him? Over being a little too nosey for my own good.

I decided against it and just shook my head, "How was the party?"

He tilted his head to the side, his tongue slid between both sets of his teeth and his mouth making the ever so slightest oval like he usually does- He was confused, and rightfully so. This man has been around since before my childbirth and every step after that, it was hard to keep anything from him. That is if he's sober.

Fortunately enough for me, he was not and wasn't the sharpest when it came to being intoxicated. JayJ and his love for alcohol for once actually saved us a conversation that I don't think either of us were fully ready to have. Nonetheless, the question still raked through my mind and I was only hoping that the curiosity wouldn't power through.

Why does he resort to things that destroy him? Does he seriously think that low of himself?

[nochedie]

intertwined, sewn together | sam winchester ☁️

pairing: sam winchester x gn!reader

genre: fluff

wordcount: 1k ish

summary: just some late night talking

a/n: hehe… um 😳 i actually haven’t written anything for 7 YEARS! and i haven’t ever written for spn before! so please be gentle with me 🙏 i am working on a soulless sam fic but it’s becoming pretty long soo i decided to just do a little fluffy drabble in the meantime! i have a migraine so im sorry if it makes little to no sense :) i read through a couple times and i cant tell if its bad or if i just hate my own writing (definitely the last one but it might be both 😌☝🏼) anyways i love sam and i needed some fluff! much love and please enjoy 🫶🏼

“do you ever think about… the future? for us?�� you and sam were laying next to each other in the motel room double bed, alone in the room. dean was out at the nearest bar, and told you both not to wait up. you always cherished the alone time with sam.

he turned to face you, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. “all the time.”

“and what do you think about?” you took in each and every inch of his face, the sculpt of his jaw, his eyes which held a look of admiration as they looked into yours.

“i think about… one day being able to just… live. you know? me and you. forever.” his voice held some sadness. and you knew exactly why. you could think about this all you wanted, but the life you led… it could never be normal. sam had tried before, he had tried to be normal, tried to live a normal life. but everything fell apart. you knew he still felt that pain. he wanted so badly to be normal. but he was a winchester.

“maybe we can’t live some suburban life. but we don’t need that to live, sam… sure, our job is dangerous but… well we’re still here, aren’t we? we’ve made it this long.”

“y/n…” you reached out to touch his cheek, and his eyes closed at the feeling, completely relaxing into your touch. “i just… every single day i wake up and worry that something is going to happen to you.”

“hmm… it almost sounds like you don’t think i can fend for myself. you know i can beat a vampire with my bare hands!” you definitely could not.

sam’s laughter filled the room almost immediately, “oh, suddenly you have super strength?”

“you don’t know what i have.” you feigned offence, pulling out of his grasp and turning your body away from him.

“um… what do you think you’re doing?” he spoke between chuckles, slipping his arms around your torso, pulling you flush against him. “let me see your pretty face, love.”

“only if you admit that i have fists of steel and i could absolutely kill a vampire with no weapon.” sam had killed gordon with nothing more than a bit of wire, so this wasn’t the most unrealistic claim.

“right. you’re right, honey. vampires watch out! y/n’s coming! with… maybe chicken wire?”

“you’re mean.”

he practically erupted into laughter, more of an endearing laughter than anything else. he gave you a tight squeeze from behind, pressing a kiss to your neck.

“turn around please, honey. i promise i’ll stop.”

you heeded his request, turning in his embrace so that your faces were but centimetres apart.

“there you are.” he took a deep breath in as he studied every inch of your face, taking in each small detail, each feature which made up the face he loved so much.

you slid one arm around his torso and rest the other on his chest, shuffling as close as you could and letting your eyes close.

“you getting tired?” sam reached over to turn off the bedside lamp, leaving only a sliver of light in the room from the outside street lights.

“just a little. but let’s keep talking, okay?”

“alright, love. what do you want to talk about?” he shifted onto his back and put his arm around you, leading your head to rest against his shoulder, while one arm kept resting on his chest.

“chicken wire.” you stifled a laugh.

sam looked up at the ceiling, a wide smile plastered on his lips. these were his favorite moments with you, and he adored how you could immediately switch his mood.

this hunt in particular had been tough, but it was over now, and this was your last night in the motel before heading to sioux falls in the morning to meet with bobby. the hunt forced sam into some uncomfortable thoughts. you had come far too close to danger, and it sent him into a spiral worrying about you. he hadn’t even thought about what he would do if he lost you, but it felt like he had been hit head on by the thought. he really couldn’t live without you, he knew that for a fact. tonight, he was really feeling it. all he wanted to do was hold you close and never let go. but this conversation with you, your optimism and your smile, just you, allowed sam to feel a genuine content.

“i love you.” he whispered, planting a kiss on top of your head.

you hadn’t realised how tired you were, and you had already drifted to sleep. after a few minutes, sam did the same.

****

you opened your eyes to see sam looking back at you, already awake. “good morning, love.”

“good morning.” you stretched your limbs, sitting up in the bed before looking around the room. “dean didn’t come back last night?”

“he did, he went out to pack up the car. you slept in pretty late.”

“hmm.. well we better get ready and hit the road, then?”

“or… we could cuddle for a bit.” he tugged on your arm, attempting to coax you to lay back.

“sammy.. you just said i slept in pretty late.”

“and did i say that was a bad thing?” cue two more arm tugs.

just as you were about to lay back down and into sam’s arms, you heard a few knocks, followed by dean’s voice through the door. “cars packed up, you kids have got fifteen minutes or i’m leaving you behind!”

“i guess no cuddling today.” sam has to suppress a whine as he reluctantly gets out of bed.

“do you think we have time for a shower?”

“oh, definitely.” you jump out of bed and grab sam’s outstretched hand, following him into the bathroom.

comments, feedback etc always appreciated! thank you for reading!

[sevenrenny]

Recently a relative asked me why I'm 'suddenly' always sick and that I was so healthy as a kid.

I was never a healthy kid. I was always in pain, but nobody believed me. I complained I had moments of dizziness, momentary visual blurriness and blindness, moments where I couldn't balance myself, and intense migraines so bad I fantasized popping a hole in my skull hoping that would get whatever was hurting me out of my head. I had days where it was just brain fog, but I was too young to know the word 'brain fog'. I'd have days where I was in so much pain I'd vomit.

But I got scolded for 'faking it' for attention or to get out of school. I got punished for 'being lazy'. So little by little, I learned complaining about constant pain that made me suicidal would make things worse for me. People punished me for telling them I was hurting, so I shut up.

Even when I became quiet about it, there were things I couldn't hide and my family rug-swept them: I passed out at school a few times from intense pain. I had multiple intestinal issues my family told me were normal, that 'it happens to everyone', telling me that 'Your dad had that happen so many times' while chuckling like it was funny. Every time, they waited for me to 'stop being dramatic' until I started screaming and writhing on the floor and they finally got me to the ER, scolding me the whole time for 'not saying anything sooner'.

During one of those visits, a doctor found a large tumor I was choking on. He found it by accident when he was putting a tube down my throat. I'd been having trouble breathing, but my family accused me of lying, and I'd started to think I was imagining it. Upon discovering the tumor, my mom's reaction was to scold me for giving myself a tumor.

After the tumor removal, the doctor had told her something seemed odd, and he talked with my mom for a bit but I can't remember what they said. We never went back to this doctor. When I asked my mom about it later, she told me the doctor was stupid and he had no idea what he was doing. (It was in my 20s when I went to check on my intestinal issue that the doctor told me he suspected I had gastroparesis, which he later confirmed it was.)

I struggled with classes because of the combination of undiagnosed medical issues, undiagnosed ADHD, undiagnosed dyscalculia, and having panic attacks (later got diagnosed with c-PTSD). My mom threatened to marry me off or kick me out of the house for almost failing math. I was sworn at, told horrific things that still stick with me (and the rest of the family blamed me for 'being lazy' and making her angry with me). I was a kid and couldn't understand why existing hurt, why, if it was so 'normal' to be in consent agony, everyone else seemed to not be struggling like me. I couldn't wrap my head around why everything that seemed so easy for everyone else was almost impossible for me.

It wasn't until an online friend asked me if I had some sort of disease because I was constantly in the hospital. I told her, "No, not really. What's the average number of times someone's in the hospital?" She said, "Renny, I've never once been to the ER." She was older than me. It was then that it clicked for me. I'd been so convinced that all of this was normal, that I was behind everyone else in life because I must be just a weak person because I was so behind even when I gave it my hardest.

I wasn't behind because I was weak. I was behind because I was never given the assistance I needed.

As soon as I became an adult and financially independent, I started seeking medical help. Got diagnosed with severe chronic migraines and other illnesses typically comorbid with chronic migraines and gastroparesis. (There are some issues I can't get medical help for in my country, so those will have to wait). I'm on medications now. Because of gastroparesis, pills didn't work for me too well, so a friend taught me how to use autoinjectors. I have friends who actually help me, give me advice, drive me to my appointments, and just be there for me emotionally.

Being medicated has made being alive so much more bearable. I can actually live my life now. Yes, I still have days where I'm in pain (not just migraines, but my other conditions, most of which don't have any treatments to manage them) but it's such a massive improvement from where I was before. I'm happier. I go to therapy. I found people I can talk about my pains and conditions freely to without being told I'm faking it or lazy. I don't work myself to the bone anymore; I shouldn't be giving my 100% to a job that refuses me accommodations when I'd need most of that to manage my health.

I'm back to complaining about pain because, before my family trained me to shut up about it, I was doing it right from the beginning. I'm supposed to complain about pain. Just because I can talk about it freely now, doesn't mean I was never sick before. Just because I'm on medications now, doesn't mean I didn't need them years ago.

I'm happier now as an adult. You just don't like that I'm visible about my illnesses now. It makes you uncomfortable that I self-administer injections, that I talk about my health the way that I want to. The thought of chronic illness makes you uncomfortable; you liked it better when I was quiet. You'd rather I don't find diagnoses for my illnesses, because, in your logic, if I don't go get the diagnosis then I'm not sick.

I was never a healthy kid. You just don't want to admit you went along with the rest of the family to abuse a disabled kid for being disabled.

[watchtowerindistress]

the empath and the eldritch horror (4/5) - ben hargreeves x empath!reader

Summary: Haven't you heard? It's the end of the world. And what's a small wedding among friends and family? Oh, and Ben is really bad at being a functioning human being. And why does he keep looking at you like he can't decide between kissing and killing you. Wait, what?

Word count: 4.0k

Series masterlist

Warning: drunk!ben, language, angst, fluff (we've got everything!), mention of smut (not the way you think)

Author's note: Still feeling the muse, let's go!

This series was meant to be a three-parter, but while writing this I realized the third part was just the morning after 😅 So, I'm merging everything. Watched S3 after writing this. Just noticed Sloane actually made that dress herself, oops. 🥹 Eight is wearing the dress by Zuhair Murad on the right. For these events, Eight likes to cover her skin due to her powers making her feel sensitive. I figured if Allison can go all out, so can my character. It's the end of the world, what the heck. Please tell me you guys want to read my S4 fic when I start to work on that 🥹🤗 You know how it goes, comments and reblogs feed me.

“Hey, Y/N, where have you been?” The moment you heard Luther’s voice from a distance in the lobby, you turned your head to watch your brother walk arm in arm with Sloane towards you.

You winced at the reminder of the team meeting you had deliberately neglected to show up for. “Oh, I’m sorry. Luther. My body can’t handle the weird tension with Allison and Viktor. I’m all for easing tension, but I’m getting a migraine just being there. The last time I numbed myself was not a good week for me,” you explained, while realizing you were on a rambling roll when you were done.

“I understand. Listen-” Luther started.

“Luther and I just wanted to let you know,” Sloane snuggled deeper into his side before she gingerly raised her bejeweled hand, while pressing her lips together in a nervous but excited energy. “We’re getting married.”

It took you a few seconds to understand what your eyes were seeing. Your giggling eased the tightness in their bodies. “Oh my God. Congratulations, you two.” You had to stretch a bit on your tip toes to reach Luther’s gargantuan shoulders when you tried to hug them both simultaneously.

It was moments like this when you appreciated how Luther always gave the best hugs among your siblings when he squeezed you a tad tighter than you did. Still, no broken bones, no foul.

Lingering in their embrace, you felt like you could breathe again when you said, “I’m so happy for you, Luther. You guys deserve it.”

After finally letting go, Sloane offered you a grateful smile while rubbing the inside of Luther’s arm. “Thank you. It’s tonight, at 6 in the banquet hall. Black tie-” she said, listing off a mental checklist of important information.

“Which is in a few hours, so…” Luther added, chuckling excitedly.

You smiled, letting yourself be swept away by his infectious energy. “Can’t wait. Let me grab a dress real quick,” you replied, pointing with your thumb behind you and secretly hoping there will still some shops open. Or still standing.

Luther nodded in understanding. “Right, you do that. Gotta dash to my bachelor party. Can you believe I just said that?” He already walked a few steps when he stopped in his tracks.

“Forgot something.” With a surprising motion, Luther kissed Sloane, while lowering her into a dip and with such a passion like he didn’t need air. After that public display of affection, he rushed off with an adorable wave.

“You guys are sugary sweet. I feel like I could die just watching you,” you said with a dry tone.

Sloane’s cheeks were blushing when she staggered slightly. “He’s it for me.”

With arching eyebrows, you nodded. “I can see that. Now I gotta think about where to get a dress in the apocalypse.”

While following your steps, Sloane asked, “Do you mind if I catch one with you too?”

You chuckled at their spontaneously planned wedding. “Sure. Let’s make our own bachelorette party, huh? I’ll meet you here later, okay? I’ll be quick.”

“Let’s do that.”

Quickly, you rushed towards the elevator which transported you to the floor of where your hotel room was located.

As soon as you arrived on the floor, Ben’s voice jolted you from behind. “Nice of you to finally show up.”

“Oh God, don’t do that.”

Ben walked by your side as you tried to locate your hotel room. “I told you before, you need to work on your powers.”

“Don’t worry, I felt your cloud of pure bliss when I entered the elevator.” You learned very early on that appearing omnipotent to your surroundings didn’t generally put people at ease.

Ben forced a smile on his face. “You’re hilarious. Did you hear the news already?”

“Judging by your reaction, I can guess which one you meant. Or did another happy event occur which I should know about?” At last, you arrived at your destination when you opened the door to your room and unceremoniously tried to swing it shut behind you.

Ben frowned darkly when he caught it, following after you.

Your eyes wandered over to him, perplexed by his need to continue the conversation. Ben was truly baffling sometimes for calling himself a lone wolf who didn’t need people. Dramatically, you swung your arms around to invite him to your living space.

“Why don’t you enter? Have a seat? Get a drink while you’re at it?”

Almost like accepting the invitation, the mocking undertone ignored for the moment, Ben sat on your made bed. “I mean, getting married? What the hell?”

You grabbed a few clothes from the wardrobe before going into the bathroom to change into them, yet keeping the door slightly ajar.

Feeling like he was being ignored, Ben approached the adjoining wall connecting you. “The apocalypse is right at our door and we’re celebrating a damn wedding?”

“You mean the wedding of your sister? You have to relax with that ‘I can’t stop until I’m at the top’ mindset,” you grumbled in a low voice to imitate Ben’s. “Life doesn’t have to be about missions and constant success.”

“That doesn’t sound anything like me,” Ben grunted. His focus intensified when he heard your clothes rustle as you changed into them. He furrowed his brows, like his attentions focused on what you were doing. “Where are you going?”

“Kind of in a hurry. Going dress shopping with your sister.”

With pursed lips, Ben nodded unwittingly. “Nice to know someone is so damn likable. Having a bachelorette party?”

“It’s a two-way street with us. Sloane is a sweet one and maybe I’m just fun to be around. And it’s not that much of a bachelorette party but …”

Ben felt something soothing stroking his skin.

“Why don’t you just talk to Luther?”

He snorted, crossing his arms. “What makes you think I care about a stupid bachelor party?”

You stepped out of the bathroom after you had changed into looser clothing to adapt to the Kugelblitz absorbing everything around it and with the world going literally up in flames.

“There’s no need to pretend with me, Ben. Maybe you shouldn’t spend time with the person who can feel everything you’re feeling.” You chose to remind him of that little tidbit since he seemed to want to linger within his blissful ignorance. It felt strange that Ben felt safe in confiding in you when he didn’t even like people.

“Luther is just a guy who wants to enjoy his wedding and wants to spend time with the people who care about him.” You implored vehemently, facing Ben again.

With a sarcastic air, Ben scoffed. “So sorry to disappoint that I’m nothing like your precious Ben.”

“You think you’re nothing like him? Sure, you’re way more eager to please daddy dearest. And there’s such a-” Your hands strained around his head in frustration while grunting. Sometimes, Ben’s whole aura compelled you to choke him or at least shake him profusely until some sense would barge into his head. “Dark cloud of wrath surrounding you, it’s insane.”

“You can fool anyone, your family or anyone else. That you don’t want anyone to see that you have goodness inside you. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter who you’re not.” You exhaled heavily.

“You’re Ben Hargreeves from the Sparrow Academy. Or what’s left of it. And I’m here for this Ben. I might want to get to know this guy.” You smiled endearingly, knowing that getting to a stubborn Ben Hargreeves proved harder than you’d expect.

Ben calmly stared at you. He pensively licked his lips before quietly admitting with a hoarse voice, “Stop making me like you.”

You tilted your head, smiling softly. “Why is that such a bad thing?”

“Because I don’t need-” Ben pointed between you and him. “This.”

Well, great. You were dealing with an emotionally stunted Sparrow.

“People are literally dying. Either do something about wanting to be a part of something or don’t.”

Ben shook his head, steeling himself. “Maybe you should work on those powers of yours. You think you know me so well, huh? Because you have no idea who I am.”

His solitude was all-encompassing. How alone he truly felt. After some time you could understand how it could deceive you into feeling like it was a comforting blanket.

“I know you’re the guy who needs people at his side. I know I haven’t said it before, but … I’m sorry about Fei and … you know, Christopher.” Although that grief wasn’t as profound, you could sense that on some level Ben cared. At least, Fei had something fascinating about her even if she tried to kill you with her crow powers.

At the memento of his family’s death or absorption into the black hole, Ben’s features darkened. “Don’t. Don’t pretend to care.”

“Sorry to disappoint then. This is all I can offer.” You shrugged. “Someone has to say it. You know, if someone hasn’t yet.”

Ben leaned forward until you could admire how utterly black his eyes looked. His wrath was wafting in dark smoke around his figure. “What makes you think I care about what you have to say?”

You felt so drained. “Then wh- You know what? Fine. End of the world and all that.” You twirled your finger in the air. “Do what you want.” Your hands made a cutting gesture. “I get to decide how I spend my energy. Just close the door behind you. And, just so you know, I’ll know when you steal something.”

You pointed at Ben threateningly before closing the door behind you.

Ben’s voice reverberated through the threshold. “Why would I steal your stuff?”

You leaned back in the chair, enjoying the taste of champagne in your mouth with the sensation of luxury. “You know, this is actually really nice,” you called out, trying to reach Sloane while she was changing into her dream dress.

You stretched out your legs, trying to relax. “Just us girls, having fun together. No baggage. No worries.” At the memory of impending doom, your eyes widened. “For now at least.”

Standing in the corner of the wedding store, Lila was curiously browsing through the clothes hangers and continued for you, “No annoying boyfriends.”

Through the curtain, Sloane added, “Nothing else to do but try out these gorgeous dresses.” With that, she stepped outside in a high-collared wedding dress.

Seeing her in all her glory, Lila and you hollered in delight.

“You look hot.” Lila draped her leg over your armrest to reach over and pop a small cupcake into her mouth in one go.

You merely raised your glass in silent agreement.

Sloane admired herself in the mirror while swishing with her dress. Disappointment laced her voice when she mused, “Allison could’ve been here.”

“I mean, I could’ve truly convinced her if I wanted her to and make her have fun, but that’s like half the fun.” You poured more liquid into your flute. “Allison wants to hold on to that anger of hers, fine. And just so you know,” you paused. With your glass hanging in the air, you couldn’t help saying out loud, “I’m tired. I don’t have the energy for it.”

“I could have tried my hand at that,” Lila retorted confidently.

You eyed her dubiously. “Are you sure about that?”

Lila shrugged, exhaling. “You’re probably right. Don’t think I want to get inside Allison’s head.” Her body shuddered at the thought of copying your empathetic power before her mood switched when she patted your leg. “Gotta rush to the loo real quick.”

You chuckled deeply. “Your cupcakes will still remain here,” you promised wholeheartedly.

Silently, Lila pointed a finger in warning at you. You merely observed her retreating form with knowing eyes.

Sloane continued watching herself in the mirror when she bit her lip while brushing the garment. You cleared your throat when you felt the stroking happening under the skin again.

“Something you want to ask me?” Your eyes met Sloane’s through the reflection.

“Have you talked to Ben yet?”

You chuckled at the mention of her brother, groaning loudly. “Did I tell you I’m tired already?”

Sloane smiled ruefully. “He took up all your energy?” The following heavy sigh perfectly encapsulated how it felt like to describe someone like him. “Ben, he’s, I think he has so much potential to be something more.”

Silently, you raised your eyebrows before adding, “Are you trying to tell me something I don’t already know?”

“He seems different around you.”

“You mean more intense? Are you trying rationalize him?”

Sloane chuckled while shaking her head. “I think you terrify him.”

“Thank you. That’s the biggest compliment anyone has ever given me,” you said sarcastically before emptying your glass. “You know, I’m over my bad boy phase.”

Excitedly, Sloane turned to gaze directly at you. “Wait, so you’re saying you’re into my brother?”

You shook your head vehemently at the mere insinuation while groaning. Not opening that can of worms.

“Ugh, nope, no. Not doing that. I’m not talking about your brother while you’re looking like a million bucks. Besides, today is about you.” You stood up with a coy smile, waving your hand at the mirage that was Sloane’s body.

“Damn right, it is.” Lila magically appeared to agree. “Are we coming to a decision?”

A sigh of deep regret exhaled from Sloane’s lips. “I think it’s going to be dress number one. What can I say? I liked trying on all these dresses.” She gushed while eyeing Lila and you. “And the company.”

“Aren’t you a doll,” Lila replied softly.

“Yes, Luther and you really deserve each other.”

You were wearing your long-sleeved golden dress when you entered the banquet hall. Despite the time crunch, everything was set up quite beautifully. With the lighting making everything appear almost intimately. You were getting some prom vibes with the balloons and the retro flair, but you didn’t feel like judging them for the quick setting up.

Luther joined you near the entrance, smiling warmly. “Fashionably late?”

You shrugged shyly. “As always.”

“How are you feeling?” Like when you were still kids, Luther patted your hair soothingly, making you feel all warm inside. Knowing how overwhelmed you could get with big events, or as big as they could get with the Kugelblitz absorbing people.

“Don’t worry, I’d prefer a wedding over a funeral.” You smiled warmly, staring up at him with pride. “Look at you, big guy. Can’t believe you’re getting hitched,” you said, playfully nudging his shoulder with your knuckles.

You felt the stirring sensation again. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Ben standing in the distance with Allison, sending you an inscrutable expression. Not exactly a scowl on his face, but still something dark remained while he was leaning with his crossed arms against the wall.

Luther’s positive energy pulled you back. He shared a beaming smile at you. “It’s really happening, huh,” he mused, burying his gloved hands in his trouser pockets. “Sloane told me you went dress shopping with her. I really appreciate you taking the time to get to know her.”

“Well, kinda already did that almost a week ago.” After seeing Luther’s blank expression, you continued, “When we were abducted?”

“Right. Feels so long ago.”

“At least our little get-together with Sloane was kinda fun. A small reprieve from the chaotic mess of everything.”

Luther nodded. “I feel you.” He was getting all jittery before he even said the next part. “God, I can’t wait to be married. I’ll see you outside.”

After a very emotional wedding ceremony—also because of Klaus’ flamboyant theatrics—Luther and Sloane were finally husband and wife. Watching them bask in their wedding dance was slowly getting to your sentimental vibes, you realized. Wanting them to have their moment, you joined the table of Klaus and Ben with your cocktail.

“… ridiculously easy to love,” Klaus finished with a fond presence.

“Am I interrupting a heartfelt moment?” You softly asked before filling the seat at Klaus’ side and taking a hearty gulp.

“Beautiful Y/N, join us! We’re reminiscing.” Klaus gushed with absolute joy, throwing his arms around your middle. With a quiet murmur, he whispered to himself, “I think that’s the word. Oh, dad’s holding a speech.” Klaus jumped from his seat.

“Did you know our Y/N loves seafood?” Klaus whispered like he was sharing a secret with Ben. His gaze switched over to yours. “Be a dear and keep sullen Ben company,” he said before sauntering away without a care in the world.

Blinking slowly, Ben’s words were uttered just as slowly. Like choosing them carefully. “Your dress is really … golden.”

“Wow.” You nodded to yourself, with a smile. “And you’re very drunk.”

Ben’s gaze wandered around. “Everyone’s leaving. Even Sloane prefers that big walking ape.”

“She’s not leaving. Your sister just found something else she liked more.”

“You mean liked doing more,” Ben mumbled tauntingly.

You had to restrain from barfing at the idea of your brother having sex. As much as a drunk Ben was kinda hilarious. “Oh, that’s gross, Ben,” you said, trying to stop yourself from laughing.

A solemn sigh exhaled from your lips. “You didn’t ask Luther, did you?” You asked knowingly.

Ben’s shoulders almost appeared too heavy for him to lift when he shrugged them carelessly. “I don’t get an invite and dad just gets to show up to this wedding. What does it matter?”

Ben mindlessly fiddled with the small straw in his drink. The speeches were over for now and people started mingling on the dance floor.

“I think it does to you. How people see you. To be liked. Makes you endearing in a way. We all just want to be accepted for who we are.”

Ben supported his chin with his hand in a casual manner, or at least tried to, when he missed it by a few inches. Instead, he held up the side of his head with his whole palm while observing you through bleary eyes.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” He mumbled quietly.

It was moments like these when Ben revealed stuff like this which broke your heart. “Are you not used to this experience?”

“I don’t understand you,” he mumbled. “Sometimes you make it really hard not to like you.”

Inwardly, you felt bliss fill you up at the unexpected compliment coming from someone like him. Even if that little confession delighted you, your concern for his inebriated state was higher.

“Easy there, buckaroo. Maybe you should have more shrimps. Or at least some bread,” you advised, sliding over a glass filled with grissini. “Someone is quite a talker when they’re drunk, huh?”

“Someone cares about my well-being.” With a sing-song voice, Ben taunted and smirked cheekily.

You smiled wistfully, almost bittersweetly. “You know what I think?” You paused, intuitively envisioning a possible future scenario. “I tell you how tonight’s gonna go down. You’ll have fun, lose all your inhibitions. Because you didn’t have to try so hard to be number one. Or be the best at everything.”

Speaking slowly, you added, “Tomorrow, you’re going to wake up, with all your guards up again. No longer chummy with the people around you. And a part of you is going to regret ever being this real version of yourself. All adorable and sweet.”

Ben chuckled suavely. “You calling me sweet? You know what I think?” He took up the empty seat of Klaus, almost toppling over with the effort. “You’re secretly into me.”

You rolled your eyes at Ben’s ability to feed his own ego. With a satisfied smile, you turned it back on him. “And you actually like that thought.”

“Oh, you think you’re so smart.”

“Whoa, déjà vu.”

“Okay, then tell me what I want.” Ben smirked confidently, waving to himself.

“It’s been a long time since someone dared me for a party favor.” Trying to keep him in suspense for a bit longer, you bit your lip and tilted your head in mock speculation. But then you whispered conspiratorially, “You want me to dance with you, Ben Hargreeves.”

Blowing air through his mouth, Ben groaned. “That’s what you think? Is this how you get guys—with that little technique?” He twirled his finger in your direction.

You arched your eyebrows. “Then tell me I’m wrong.”

He snorted. “I’m not falling for that trick.”

“Maybe. But now I’m in your head, Hargreeves,” you sang tauntingly before laughter sprang free. “Come on, it’s just one night to let loose.”

You stood up, beckoning him closer while walking backwards towards the dance floor. “I promise, tomorrow you can pretend to be the asshole again. Just have some fun for a night.”

“We can’t all be Little Miss Sunshine.”

You snorted loudly at that description. If anything, as an Empath, you were almost an antithesis to the preconceived notion of an all-caring and always-happy disposition.

“Only you would think that. Come on, Benny-boo. Show me those dance moves of yours.”

“You’re a bad influence,” he mumbled before he gobbled down another shrimp. Ben reached for you and energetically spun you in a circle until your fingers held onto his chest for stability.

“Stop calling me by that name,” he whispered, only for your ears to hear.

You let go of Ben, sending him a smoldering gaze over your shoulder. “Why don’t you make me?” You mocked, strolling over to the bride to dance with her and watched as he joined the fray reluctantly, but no less swayed.

“You owe me,” he mouthed.

In the end, you chose to ignore his little warning by teasingly shrugging your shoulders. “I can’t hear you.”

One hangover later … for Ben

“Did someone ever tell you, you look cute when you’re trying to fall asleep in an upright position?”

You watched in fascination how your words jolted Ben awake while he was leaning against the elevator wall, with his shirt pulled halfway down his muscled torso.

“Excellent workout routine, by the way.” You felt obliged to mention.

Ben grunted, rubbing his cheeks to awaken his senses even more. At the hint, he pulled his shirt down the rest of the way. “Why is Karma coming after me so hard?”

You stepped inside the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby for show, since Ben didn’t even select a button when he entered.

“It’s not Karma, Ben. It’s a literal hangover.”

Feeling a heated stare linger on you, your eyes met Ben’s whose blinking eyes tried to focus on you. With his arms crossed, his shoulder leaned against the other wall. “Then why do you look so pretty?”

You teasingly nudged his shoulder. “Aww, Ben Hargreeves, what a charmer. My body works in mysterious ways.”

Comfortable silence hung in the air the longer the elevator traveled to its intended destination.

“You know, your brother is a dick.” Finally, Ben decided to end the quiet.

You pursed your lips when several people who fitted that description entered your mind. Especially with a wedding in the past and many lowered inhibitions.

“Uh… which one are we talking about? You’re checking a lot of boxes right now.”

“Klaus,” Ben enunciated with every fiber of his being.

You nodded, comprehending their cautious bond. During the previous night, Klaus and Ben proved to be the tightest of bosom buddies. The fallout was unfortunate. Ben didn’t have a lot of people in his life. Most of your family would rather label him as Not-Ben in their heads instead of getting to know him as his own person.

So, yes, your family could be dicks sometimes.

“Well, he’s trying. The former Ben and him were like the closest for years.” You recalled fondly. Deciding to cheer Ben up a bit, you remarked playfully, “Judging by last night, you two were up to some wild shenanigans.”

Ben reached for your arm. “Wait. What happened last night?”

Chuckling, you shook your head. Almost impressed with last night’s Ben. “You were something else last night. I mean, you were just showing off with your tentacles. They were like really touch-starved. How are they even feeling after that spectacle?”

“Come again?”

The doors opened before you could divulge more. “Uh, you might want to check your shirt again. It’s still backwards. See you at the breakfast buffet.”

“This conversation isn’t over.” Ben exclaimed with great ardor before the doors shut again.

Tagging: @cherryinsalemverse @mellowstatesmanhandsempath @ravenmoore14 @blackmagicwoman @lelaamela

[steviewashere]

🪱🪱Worm Wednesday!!!!!🪱🪱

I was tagged by the lovely @hotluncheddie! Hello, I'm sorry for the rambling mess this is going to be. But I know I missed this like two weeks ago, so bear with me.

Okay, I'm going to try and be normal here. I have, honestly, so many worms in my brain. They're dancing and stomping and I'm just going fucking nuts with how much is in my brain at the moment. And also I took excedrin this morning for my migraine and that had caffeine in it and it's more caffeine than I would normally have—anyway.

Y'all already know one of my brain worms, the whole omega verse sensitive nips omega Steve thing. Which, I will plug the post here because I don't have the energy (yes, I do, but I don't want to echo myself) to share all the craziness about that in one post.

I'm also thinking about young Steve Harrington, which is kudos to this post and lots of people's tweets over on the twitter. I won't go into it, same reasons as the omega verse thing so just...again, bear with me.

But! But the actual brain worms I'm having currently, in this very moment, also have to do with another post I made on here. I want to go more in-depth with, though. So, some days ago, I came across an Instagram Reel that was a clip from the YouTube video interview between Jon Bernthal and Dungeon Master Deborah Ann Woll.

So, brief brief summary of this video is basically: Jon Bernthal says that he wants to play D&D, Deborah Ann Woll then gives him a scenario of walking through the woods and while he's walking he hears snap of twigs, and then she basically prompts him with "What do you do?" And he responds, now I can't remember exactly what he says, but I believe it had something to do with investigating the source of the snapped twigs.

Anyway, the video is excellent and you all should check it out. She basically explains D&D in a way that would make sense to anybody, in the matters of asking a player or a potential player what they'd do in certain scenarios, then bringing in the "rougher" elements such as the History checks or Perception checks in the game.

And I want to write something along the lines of Steve approaching Eddie about D&D. Maybe he wants to play because Dustin keeps bugging him about it, but he's too nervous to accept. Maybe he just wants to know what it's like. Maybe he even wants to be a substitute player one of these days just in case somebody can't show up. Something, y'know, where he's approaching Eddie. But he's really, really confused about where to even begin. He's got a character sheet, he's looking at the manuals loaned to him or he even bought himself, he's looking at all these stats and all these options and he just doesn't know where to begin.

Also, brief intervene here, I would be basing this off of 5e rules because that's what I play and frequently toy with. So...don't be mad at me if I get something "inaccurate for the time". I, first of all, honestly don't care. And second, I was not alive in like 1977 when the game first came out. And there's nobody in my life who played it then or possibly has played it ever outside of 5e. Moving on.

So, he tries to explain his character sheet to Eddie, obviously getting a bit overwhelmed in the process. But Eddie stops him. Says something like, "Hold on, okay? Let's just take a baby step here. I'm going to give you a scenario and then I want you to tell me what you'd do."

And he lays out that same, or even just something similar, to what Deborah Ann Woll gave. (I'm going to base this off of the video. Very original, I am.) So it's something like:

"Okay, you've got a small dagger attached to your belt, it's concealed within a hilt. And on your back, there's a bow and a quiver—or a pouch—of arrows. You're walking through the woods. It's dark, heavy clouds hanging overhead, moon obstructed, you can barely see your surroundings. There's leaves under your feet, gravel, sticks. But then, before you can step your foot down next, something crunches in the distance on your left. What do you do?"

There's a pause. A long moment where Steve is considering his options.

"It's a far away sound, right?" Steve checks and Eddie nods. There's a little hmph from Steve as he continues to think. "Can I tell how far away it is? Is there a way to distinct the length of it?"

Eddie maybe smirks, eyes already glowing. "Give a perception check." And at Steve's befuddled expression, leaning in and brows furrowed, Eddie continues on. "So, you're going to roll one of those dice that you always see the kids with. The D20, that's the one you'd use right now. 20 is the highest you can get"—

"The best I can get. And 1 is obviously the lowest, so the worst."

"Right! So...let's say you were to pick up a D20 right now and roll it. You get a...a fourteen. And your perception, one of those skills on the top of your paper"—and Eddie would grab Steve's character sheet, to point out the number he already placed there—"this one right here. And on your paper, it looks to be pretty high. A sixteen is what you have. So...I'm going to ask you to add three more to your dice roll."

Steve squints at the paper. He doesn't take long to do the math, muttering a little under his breath. "Okay...I'd have a seventeen for my perception check." And he looks up to Eddie for confirmation, in which he gets. "And if it's possible out of twenty...that means I can probably figure it out well, right?"

Eddie nods with a smug hum. "You're already a natural." He leans back a little from Steve. Eyes away in thought. Goes on, "So, I'll know right away, based on that number you give me that you're extremely perceptive. I tell you...okay, the sound you hear is roughly ten feet away on your left."

"That's really close," Steve murmurs. "I think I'll...I'll ready that bow on my back. Take it off, grab for one of my arrows. Poise it."

"Mmm...And as soon as you get your bow in the right position, you begin to make out what seems like a pair of eyes. From the darkness between the trees, those eyes emerge closer and closer, revealing the large figure of a sixteen foot owlbear. Its feathers are spread wide, splaying defensively. Eyes glowing, it seems, yellow and bright. The body girth of a bear, but the head and mannerisms of an owl. It trills and squawks in your face. What do you do?"

Anyway, it would go from there. Tried to figure out a monster that wasn't an owlbear because that's what was used in the video. But uh...my brain is not being original right now, so that's basically the whole example from the video. But I just adore that video so much, the simple, yet impactful way she taught the basics. And I think it could translate so well to Eddie and Steve messing with D&D together.

Sorry for a long ass post lmao

Tagging (no pressure): @puppy-steve @scoops-aboy86 @ataliagold @marvel-ous-m @pearynice

@wheneverfeasible @rogueddie @sidekick-hero

[vodika-vibes]

The Seer pt II

Summary: Hunter’s not quite sure what to make of the fake psychic who’s dragged him into this actual nightmare. But he does know that he’s not about to leave her to deal with it on her own.

Pairing: Pre Hunter x F!Reader

Word Count: 1009

Warnings: Discussions of Order 66

Prompt: "Are you mad at me? It's okay if you are. I mad at me, too."

Tagging: @trixie2023 @n0vqni @imabeautifulbutterfly

A/N: I finally decided to write another part to this, and it's probably going to be slow burn Hunter x reader, if I can keep it up, lol. The next part will be them running from the spirits again.

The first time Hunter met her, it was because of Phee. Phee dragged him and his brothers to her shop, and honestly, Hunter didn’t think much of her at the time. 

He thought that she had a cute face, even though it was covered in make-up. And he thought that she had a nice voice, when she wasn’t adding that wispy flare to it. 

But that was it.

The scent of the shop gave him a migraine, so he kept his distance. Plus, Omega was a little wary around her, so Hunter was careful to make sure that his youngest sibling wouldn’t have to spend time with her.

He can’t help but wonder if all of that was a facade to make people want to avoid her.

Hunter had been genuinely surprised to hear that she changed the incense that she used, simply because it gave him a migraine. It made no sense. It wasn’t as though they were friends, after all.

Surprised…and touched.

People don’t do things simply to make his life easier. At least, not in his experience. 

Still, if he had known that becoming friendly with her was going to lead to this…he would have stayed away.

“Hunter? Are you awake?” Her voice is quiet, and for a moment, Hunter considers pretending that he’s still asleep.

But he’s not that much of an asshole. 

“Yeah.” He says quietly, “I’m awake. Why are you awake?”

He hears movement and he turns his head to see her sitting up, the thin blanket that he managed to grab from the marauder pooling around her thighs, “It’s cold.” She replies quietly.

Hunter sits up and looks at her closely. She’s shivering, though it’s not that cold. In fact, he’s totally comfortable without a blanket. “Because of the spirits?” He asks. 

“Probably,” She pulls the blanket up over her shoulders, trying to stop the shivering, “Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? It’s not your fault.”

She ducks her head, “For getting you involved.” She pushes her hair behind her ears, only for it to fall back in her face. Her hair tie broke earlier when one of the spirits got too close.

Hunter sighs heavily, and pulls his bandana off, “Here, use this to tie your hair out of your face.”

“...but it’s yours.”

“And I’m letting you use it. Don’t question it.”

“I…right. Sorry.” She quickly fashions it into a headband, and uses it to push the hair out of her face.

Hunter nods once, and lays back down, folding his arms under his head, “You should get some rest. I doubt those spirits are going to give up, so we’ll be running in the morning.”

“...right.”

He tilts his head slightly, there’s something uneasy in her scent, and Hunter frowns. “What’s wrong?”

She’s quiet for a moment, “Are you mad at me?”

Hunter immediately sits back up, “What?”

“It’s okay if you are!” She adds quickly, her eyes wide, “I…I’m mad at myself, too.”

“I’m not mad at you, copikla.” Hunter corrects with a frown, “Why would you think that?” The familiar mando’a word falls from his lips with ease and he internally cringes, please don’t let her know enough Mando’a to know what it means.

Even in the dim light, he’s able to see her brows furrow and her lips moved as she mimicked the word, though she doesn’t seem too inclined to rip his head off or ask him what it means, so Hunter’s happy to take the win.

“It’s…dumb.” She says slowly.

“Tell me anyway.”

She makes a face, “The spirits…they’re very chatty-”

“Wait, wait, wait. You can understand them?” Hunter slides closer to her, “What are they saying? All I hear is static.”

“All sorts of things,” She replies with a small frown, “None of it is nice-”

“Come on, copikla.” Hunter prods, “Give me something to work with.”

“They say it’s my fault!” She blurts, “They say…they say I could have saved them, and that it’s my fault that they’re dead. They say that I wanted them dead and I didn’t! I swear I didn’t!”

“Hey! Hey, hey.” Hunter reaches out and cups her face, “The Purge wasn’t your fault.” Because what else could she mean, “And of course you didn’t want them dead.”

“But…they’re right. I could have saved them-”

“No. No, you couldn’t have.”

She stares at him, her eyes wide, and Hunter leans in to press his forehead against hers, forcing her to keep eye contact with him.

“Palpatine was going to see the Jedi murdered no matter what. If it wasn’t the clones it was going to be something else.” Hunter tightens his hold on her cheeks, “What happened, it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have prevented it from happening. No one could have.”

She presses her hands over his, “...I miss them.”

“I know.” Hunter’s voice is soft, “Did you ever give yourself the chance to mourn them?”

She shakes her head.

“I’m sorry.”

She closes her eyes, “Yeah, well…Palpatine killed all of my people…but he’s doing the same to all of yours. So, I’m sorry too.”

Hunter feels a sharp pang, he had never been close to many of the regs. But they were still his brothers, weren’t they? “Well, there’s nothing to do about it, is there?”

“...yeah. I guess.”

Hunter lightly releases her, before he presses a light kiss to her forehead, and then he pulls away. She presses her hand against her forehead and stares at him, wide eyed, “I’m not mad at you.” Hunter says, “And I’m not going to let these spirits kill you. There will be no more dead jedi. Not on my watch.”

Something in her gaze softens, “...thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now. Come here. You can share my body heat until the sun rises.”

She regards him silently for a moment, and then she nods. She shifts so that she’s pressed against his side, and Hunter folds his arms around her, “Good night, copikla.”

“What does that even mean?” She mumbles against his chest.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing bad.”

[ronanceautistic]

stranger things hyperfixation is actually killing me dead recently bc im trying not to actually engage in the tv show part of it until I get to it in my chronological read/watch-through of everything which means I keep categorising every stupid part of the show under the sun "for research purposes" just as an excuse to think about the show

I shit you not two days ago I gave myself a migraine from watching the entirety of the show on x10 speed while making a list of every scene. and the goofiest part? I already have that list !!! there was no reason for me to make a new one !!!

[irish-urn]

tagged: @2mad4plaid tagging: @venturismcdonald, @ironduke10, @cacophonous-noise

number of stories posted to ao3 for 2024: 7. I'm so disappointed in myself.

word counted posted for last year: 109,586, which is pretty decent... But I was hoping for 200k. Alas.

fandoms i wrote for: Teen Titans and Life with Derek

pairings: RobStar and Dasey. Also I think we could call McTuri Mercenaries gen-ish...

stories with the most

KUDOS: To Have and To Hold (122) BOOKMARKS: To Have and To Hold (52) COMMENT THREADS: To Have and To Hold (45)

work i’m most proud of (and why): "What a Good Boy, What a Smart Boy". I called it the 'therapy fic' while I was working on it, and it's almost 30k of Derek hurt/comfort. I spent a lot of time in my blorbo's mind and POV and I really think I did a good job showing his growth.

share or describe a favorite review you received: I actually am super lucky and get lovely reviews a lot???? BUT, there was one from "There Must be 50 Ways to Become Consort" where someone told me they usually didn't like established relationships because they found them boring, but they really loved how I wrote this couple and played with it, so that was VERY flattering.

a time when writing was really, really hard: I actually struggled a LOT this year with writing. Especially this summer -- work was a pain and very stressful and I was just too exhausted to write. I've tried a couple different ways to encourage myself to write consistently, but I still haven't figured it out. Alas.

a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: There's a small scene in To Have and To Hold where Casey calls Derek "baby" out of nowhere, and I was NOT expecting it. Neither was Derek. Neither was Casey. But we went with it.

a favorite excerpt of your writing: From "What a Good Boy, What a Smart Boy"

“Uh, because she was a prissy little brat who was trying to take over my territory?” Duh. Wasn’t it obvious? “She just, like, barged into my life and tried to take over my space. As if it wasn’t my house and my school and my life.” Mae raised her eyebrows. “Truly, how unforgivable.” “And,” Derek stressed, leaning forward a little. “She was fucking cute about it all too! And, like, hot sometimes. She took dance classes — she would exercise in the backyard sometimes and get all snippy if you interrupted her like her stupid music wasn’t making my ears bleed. And she liked my best friend, and then the captain of the football team — she had no loyalty. Zero. And she kept, like, demanding equal treatment and wanted to make schedules for everything, and she’d just storm into my room and scold me for living my life, and then would give me those goddamn eyes whenever I did something nice.” He rolled his eyes and dropped his head against the back of the couch again. “It was exhausting.” There was nearly a minute of silence and then: “You’re the kind of person that feels things very strongly, aren’t you?” He raised a finger into the air, but closed his eyes, because he really was very tired. “She’s still a pain, let me be clear.”

how did you grow as a writer last year: Did I???? I don't think I did???? I mean, I'm probably 100k worth of words better than I was last year, but... Eh????

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc.): @2mad4plaid and @rubberchknpurseee. The former was a truly EXCELLENT sounding board for the vast majority of my fics and always willing to listen; and the latter was a truly excellent prompter. Literally half of the words I wrote this year were fics for her.

anything from your real life show up in your writing last year: ...I don't think so? Except maybe that my friend was suffering from migraines, so I gave Derek a migraine in one fic...

any new wisdom you can share with other writers: If you can, find a friend who is really excited about your writing. They don't have to know the fandom or the characters, but find someone that you can talk to about your projects. Not only will they help you figure out plot holes and outlines, but they will encourage you and help you reach the finish line. It's so easy to say "Well, I know how this ends, so why bother writing it?"; but if you have ONE person who wants to read it... Then you have one person to write it for.

any projects you’re looking to starting (or finishing) this year: NOTHING IN 2024. I GIVE UP. But in 2025, I wanna finish my two LWL series, my Teen Titans story, and two other LWD fics -- a sequel to one of my other monsters, and hopefully an AU. If I could manage that? I'd be satisfied (especially since I'm pretty sure that's gonna be a LOT of words...)

[cocogum]

I'm sad the great wave volume is over and eager for the next. But I think I enjoyed following through your commentary more than actually getting the story xD

So, thanks for that.

I’ve been giggling at ur comment for two minutes now 🥰🥰

DON’T TELL ME NICE THINGS, MY JAW’S ABOUT TO POP OFF FROM SMILING TOO MUCH-

But in all seriousness, your lovely comment means more than you’ll ever know.

Every Thursday when a new chapter was uploaded, I found myself re-reading it repeatedly. I had to carefully organize my thoughts to articulate them clearly and in a logical order for others to easily follow. I also had to screenshot every panel I needed to reference in order to illustrate my points.

I often have to combine two or three panels into one using Picsart on my phone because Tumblr only allows 10 images and 30 images on the website. This way, I can avoid discarding or wasting any of the images I want to share. Additionally, I sometimes use ibisPaint X to cover up certain parts in images where I cropped them and it affected the appearance of the eyes.

But don’t get me wrong, despite going through this hell every Thursday night, the chapters were a joy to read, and I enjoyed reflecting on them while considering how to approach discussing them.

In short, it was hell but I enjoyed the full process 💖

But it’s obviously not over for the great wave series lol

Since the physical copy of the first volume featured 5 chapters (the 10 webtoon episodes got fused into 5 chapters), this means that we’re only at the very beginning of the Great Wave manga’s story. (I can’t believe we’re still at the beginning even though it feels like we’re already in deep shit 💀)

Tot pretty much confirmed on Twitter that there will be around 100 chapters to prepare for.

That means I’m aware we’ll see much more mature themes (*cough* chapter 1 *cough*) and much more graphic content (*cough* possible horrid assassination of the royal osamodas family *cough* no I am not delusional).

That means I’m aware I’ll have to keep this whole commentary thing going about a hundred times 😄🤭😁

But to know that you enjoyed my commentary more than the story is just-

Wow??? I am speechless???

Like-

What do I even say to that??

I get that the story gave us a huge weekly migraine cuz of the chicken and gorilla but omg???

I am genuinely happy that I made your migraine bearable throughout those weeks, thank you so so much for telling me 😭💖

Just the thought of knowing that you liked them makes me wanna bash some blue animals again 👹👹

I hope you’re having a wonderful day/evening/night imatekuani 💖💖💖

(I see you got a King pfp 👀 ur even more amazing for having good taste ✨💕💕 I’m also pissed disney had to end the owl house earlier than expected)

[springbreezes-and-peonies]

For both Peony and Praespero: 🧣💄🐞

🧣 What comforts your OC? Is it an item? An action? A person? Whatever it is, how and why does it comfort them?

Peony: Peony finds comfort for the longest time alone as she lived alone for most of her life before meeting Taranza. She takes a lot of comfort in gardening and speaking to and singing to her plants. When she meets Taranza, he himself is a major source of comfort to her. He’s just such a gentle presence in her life. His voice so soft as is his manner. A comfort item she has, is her stuffed Como that Taranza gave her when she moved into the castle, his name is Jeri. His funny spider face reminds her a lot of Ranzie himself when he first gifts him to her and this calms her down in a strange new place. She squeezes him close to her when she’s anxious or sad even after so many years.

Praespero: Praespero’s biggest comfort is his best friend and loyal companion Bagel. Bagel can detect a “flicker” attack shortly before it occurs and wrap around him to keep him from being hurt during one when he’s alone, or go for help when they’re out in public somewhere and he needs help coming down from an episode or during one. (Flicker episodes are Praespero’s physical and magical form shifting rapidly across dimensions. It is very disorienting and afterwards painful for him often as it causes massive migraines and during one he can accidentally harm himself due to loss of perspective on reality/his surroundings. Flicker episodes are based upon seizures as a seizure survivor myself, I wanted to create a character who experienced something analogous to undo some of the stigma and how they’re often played for jokes). Bagel will also just comfort him when he’s stressed or depressed by cuddling up with him and sitting beside him for pets. They are soul-bonded and Bagel is essentially his service dog and familiar. Magolor is also a good comfort for Praespero once their relationship becomes more committed and serious, once they know each other better. Magolor is good at cheering Praespero up with humor and his lighthearted air. Something about his personality is oftentimes a great levity to Praespero who can sometimes, despite appearing outwardly so happy and put together, be very internally grim and fatalistic. He’s just very good at masking it behind a smile, but Maggie is luckily very good at telling when he’s masking those feelings, and rather than pry in the typical way, he’ll play and banter lightheartedly, removing some of the burdens of those difficult feelings from his shoulders. He really appreciates him. He loves to have cuddle time and grooming time with him (picture bunnies bonding with each other). It soothes him dearly to be close to someone like they are with no strings attached and no ulterior motives. He is very used to the ulterior motives. It’s refreshing to be actually loved.

💄 What does your oc think of their face? Do they have a positive or negative opinion? Do they wear makeup? Do they have a skincare routine? What traits do they like most about their face?

Peony: Her face is a very interesting subject because until she moved to castle Floralia she never really saw a clear image of herself at all. Only in reflections of ponds and windows and the like as she didn’t have a mirror on her isolated, Sky-island home. When she finally sees herself clearly, she thinks she’s so beautiful. Not in a vain way, but in a sort of “that’s me? Oh golly. Look at me! I have all these little gold spots! And my eyes are so bright but so soft! And my smile!” She’s not socialized like most people so she’s no typical concept of beauty or ugliness or anything like that. She finds everyone to be beautiful in their own, unique ways. She doesn’t wear make up, save for very special occasions for fun and to be fancy. Her skin is naturally cleansing and restorative and only really needs a light washing daily to keep the moth fuzz clean. She really likes her freckles. When she first sees them she’s stunned. She thinks they’re like little kisses of sunlight. Taranza tells her as much too. And she likes her smile, she says it reflects very well how she feels inside when she is smiling.

Praespero: Praespero doesn’t just think he’s handsome and gorgeous and beautiful—he knows it. He’s often been praised for his looks, he knows he’s desirable and attractive. It emboldens him to be pretty flirty but he’s not one to brag about his face or anything. He just knows what he’s got if that makes sense. However! He is EXTREMELY insecure about the Star-shaped scar on his forehead the experiment left behind, the source of his dimensional shifting abilities. He doesn’t think it’s unsightly and he doesn’t think it makes him any less gorgeous, but he hates to see it. He hates the reminder, and he hates others to see it. He hates to be asked how he got it. He hates to have any attention brought to it at all. Lucky for him, it is very common culturally for his people to wear hooded cloaks. He will almost NEVER remove his hood around another, unless he trusts you and loves you dearly. He just doesn’t want to deal with the attention and questions that come with his scar being seen. He doesn’t wear make up, it’ll get in his bunny fur or caught up in his evanescent form. He does have a regular “skin care” routine in that he has to wash his fur and the skin on his face diligently but he rarely faces any sorts of skin issues. Features he loves the most are: his eyes, he knows they’re beautiful, set exactly like stars on his sweet face, and his nose. He has a very kyoot bunny nose. He knows he has an absolutely killer wink too. 😉

🐞 What does a perfect day look like for your oc? What do they do? Who do they see?

Peony: A perfect day for Peony is gardening all day in the castle’s gardens with Taranza. They bring a picnic lunch, get their sun hats and garden gear on, and just take care of the plants all day together. Maybe pausing to dance under the stars once dusk hits, then going inside and curling up together by the fire, resting at last while he reads her something romantic and plays with her hair. She just loves being surrounded by their plants and being close to her Ranzie-Pansy-Dinky-Doo 🥺

Praespero: Praespero’s perfect day would honestly be a quiet, peaceful day at home with his dog and his man. Just sharing his research with Magolor and having him listen closely with him to everything he decides to present to him. Then they all gather some sleeping bags, find a very clear, soft field, and lay down in the grass and watch the stars. Bonus if there’s a meteor shower. Absolutely involves a lot of hand-holding and kissing and bunny-grooming-bonding. He loves closeness and cuddles. He’s spent most of his life being touch-starved and neglected. Being close and free with another means so much to him. And he just loves the stars and loves a genuine interest in his research. His anthropological endeavors are his pride and joy. All in all he’s a very soft, gentle boy who wants a soft, gentle day. And to see a meteor shower. He loves that.

~~~🌸🌷💐~~~🪽✨👁️~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SORRY I TOOK SO LONG! I lost this in my ask box! AH! Tysm for the asks! I appreciate the interest in my babies! I love to talk about them sm!

🥺🥺🥺🥺

[angel5ofp0rn]

I've taken a like 2.5 hour depression nap on the floor and feel a little better but not by a lot. We got home from the vet and I honest to God hurled on the lawn for like 2 minutes.

Which has never happened before. Stress induced puking I didn't even think was a thing

I hope you're doing good! 💛

ugh babe :( i can’t imagine.

a similar thing happened with my last cat. he was pushing 17 years old and i believe it was a kidney infection as well, actually. i cried for days and locked myself in my room for like a week and gave myself migraines from crying so much.

some people were like “it’s just a cat” but you get it; they’re like your babies 🥺

make sure you get lots of rest and don’t feel bad about not feeling 100% for a while. maybe don’t drink your feels either, usually that makes it worse imo.

ilysm. 🫶

[squish36-writes-and-draws]

11 November: Unraveling

Quick little update: I have burned through my stash of prewritten pages, and now, when I need to write more, I have a cold and a shit ton of school things I should be doing. We're going to be on shaky ground until probably Saturday.

Word Count: 510

TW: Keefe is swearing a lot. Also, general Keefe angst. Self-esteem is in the single digits.

General Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @faggot-friday @kamikothe1and0nly @nyxpixels @florida-preposterously

@poppinspop @uni-seahorse-572 @solreefs @corruption-exe @rusted-phone-calls

@when-wax-wings-melt @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees @abubble125 @hi-imgrapes

@callum-hunt-is-bisexual @callas-pancake-tree @hi-my-name-is-awesome @katniss-elizabeth-chase @sillyguy-supreme

@void-kill @thefoxysnake

Unraveling Project Specific Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed/upgraded): @cutebisexualmess @crippling-pages @daizythegreat @sophiefostersno1stan @iggydancebreak

@theleopardstalker @you-will-meet-your-downfall @multi-fandom-lunatic

On Ao3 or below the cut!

First (3 November) / Previous / Next

I once loved a gardener with his dirt-smudged face and hands Trimmed my weeds and gave me room to grow my flowers again But now my love is gone And I am left here withering Withering

Keefe Sencen's Journal

  I hope you’re happy now, mother dearest. 

    I hope you know how much you’ve fucked me over. 

    I should have never even attempted to draw Taylor into this mess. I just—wanted to think that I’d be safe for once in my starsexile life, but that’s too much to ask. 

    Over the last couple of hours, I’ve bounced around the globe looking for a nice place to go and also trying to figure out how the pathfinder determines coordinates. I’ll probably be working on that instead of actually reflecting on my life tonight because exile I don’t want to think about my life anymore. Absolute dumpster fire of a life right there. 

    I think I’m in Paris? I can see that famous tower thing but let’s be real when we say that I’ve got no fucking clue where I am or how human society works. It could be some other ostentatious tower just to fuck with me in particular. 

    Anyway the time zones are really different between Sydney and wherever I am because I left right around dawn, and now it’s sundown. If I thought my sleep schedule was bad enough as it is, it’s about to get so much worse and I’m here for it. 

    I haven’t had any interactions with humans around here, and if I could, I would definitely try to avoid speaking to anyone about anything ever because we saw how well that went last time. Alas, I don’t trust myself enough for that to not be a possibility. 

    I’ll probably be bouncing to the next city in a couple of days. Maybe if I pick a new place often enough, no one will be able to find me. Maybe then I can stop hurting everyone around me. It won’t work, but it’s a nice possibility to think about. 

    I found a nice garden to loiter in for the next couple of days, and in the case that I get bothered by the legal authorities, I can just simply…leave. I could cause so many crimes on purpose. That bank heist plan doesn’t actually sound that unrealistic now that I’m genuinely considering it. I won’t, but it would be funny, and that’s the real measure of success. 

    You know what else is funny? I don’t, but someone across the street does. It’s much less overwhelming than it used to be and on the one hand, that’s a good thing because I don’t have a constant migraine, but it also means that I’m going to be fucked to exile in another couple of weeks, let alone centuries of this. Who am I kidding? There’s no way I’m making it centuries without Gisela finding me. I just need to hold out long enough that I’m not useful to her little schemes and machinations by the time she comes to collect her little unethical science experiment. 

    If I can’t solve the problem in its entirety, I’ll settle for being annoying. It’s gotten me this far which isn’t exactly a glowing endorsement, but it’s better than nothing, and that’s all I have.