#i think adderall might be a better deal!!!

[etoileee]

CAMP HALF BLOOD. ψ

⤷ in my dr.

- the campfires are made by hephaestus kids

- you know leo made it when the campfire is big as hell (it's a miracle he hasn’t burnt that bitch down yet)

- like really you’d think it’s one of those huge cult fires if you didn’t know better

- the amount of s’mores this place goes through is insanity (guilty)

- the lake water is actually very clean and blue

- so you’re good if you actually swallow some or get it in your eyes

- and what if i said the lake water taste kinda good…

- though the hermes kids will tell new kids it has brain eating amoeba AFTER they’ve swam in it

- I HATE THEIR ASSES LAMO

- capture the flag is INTENSE

- we know it is but you don’t realize how big of a deal it actually is till you’re there in it

- like goddamn is it really that serious? 😭

- my competitive ass got into it though but still everything hurt after that

- the dionysus and hades cabins have the best reputations when it comes to parties

- whenever it's a new zodiac season signs are put up saying this, for example; ‘happy libra season!’

- lights out is at 10pm but you can be out pass that time depending on how old you are

- 15 and under have to be in the cabins at 10pm and 16 and over don’t have to be

- some other pass times that aren’t training or hanging out with friends in away way include art, (sculpting, painting, drawing, crafting) instruments, singing, dancing, cooking/baking, the astronomy building, creating metalworking, blacksmith shit

- the apollo cabin be HURTING your eyes in the daytime

- i thought the rivalry between cabins would be a lot worse tbh

- of course there’s still some people that are at each others necks

- but for example, the nyx kids and the zuses kids aren’t constantly praying on each others down fall, there are individuals that are worse than other but for the most part we’re just wary of each other and it might be a bit awkward alone in the same room with one another

- the cabins are made of different materials/ minerals

- there is ac in the cabins but its the kind that are attached to the window if you know what i mean

- it’s hilarious truly like you’ll see the most beautiful marble building and then the fuck ass ac lmao 💀

- all the adderall bottles in the cabins made me giggle

- the landscape in camp half blood is genuinely beautiful

-its very green, lots of big trees and wildflowers

- (for those of us that have allergies rip. i was fighting for my life)

[actuallyadhd]

The reason I realised I might have adhd was my brother, he's so clearly autistic so I did research to make sure.

When I brought it up with my mother she told me to not tell him.

I finally got my diagnosis after 3 years of trying to get it, of going deeper and deeper into it.

Idk, I never hated it? I never hated my adhd. Back in 2020 I was a more active person? In terms of doing the things I liked and doing art.

Now I'm slow, tired, fatigued.

And that happened after I took meds. Apparently ritalin prozac and anxiety meds aren't supposed to be taken together, Idk what my therapist was thinking.

She told me to get anxiety meds for my stimming, cause I stim cause I'm nervous. But I KNOW that I don't. I stim when I'm excited, or when I can't focus.

When I'm anxious, when I'm angry I go stiff a a rock, I get focused sharp, because I have to be, it's a defense mechanism.

I don't hate adhd I don't hate meds inheritly either. But I hate how my meds made me a zombie, that I was forced to go on them so I could achieve this academic goal.

Maybe if I lived in a place with better mental healthcare I wouldn't be dealing with the effects of bad medication and my worsening depression.

I'm slightly better now, but my executive function got fucked. I can't just, do the things I like anymore. I feel less feelings than I did before.

I don't hate myself I just, I guess I'm in a hurry to heal from everything when I'm still living with the people that abused and continue to abuse me emotionally.

Specially my abelist mother who keeps saying adhd and autism aren't a disability, and they're just a quirk like her being left handed.

My dad has finally came to the realisation that he probably has adhd like me.

I'm a uni student now and living in a dorm away from my family has helped me regain that control I had and live a healthier life. But I'm back now over the summer and I can feel myself going back to my old ways the more I stay at my family home.

Idk,

Is this cptsd? Idk what it is.

Is it bad to say I love my adhd? Usually at least. When there's no one breathing down my neck not letting me do my own thing, when I don't get pulled into random places and have a choice to stay. And say no.

I guess things will get worse before they get better....

Sent August 18, 2024

There's definitely a lot to unpack here. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I will do my best to offer suggestions and reassurance, as always.

It makes sense that your brother is autistic and you have ADHD; both are highly heritable, and seem to be related in some way. So it also makes sense that your dad has now realized he probably has ADHD!

I have a feeling this is going to be long, so have a cut.

Stimming & Anxiety

Neurotypical people think that the only reason for fidgeting is anxiety.

It's not.

As a general rule, it's either expressive (as when we're happy or excited or upset) or regulating (as when we need to focus or feel overwhelmed).

And if stimming or fidgeting isn't disruptive or hurting anyone (including yourself), it definitely doesn't need to be medicated. WTAF.

Medication Issues

Medication can be tricky. The wrong meds can cause more problems than they solve. Even the right med at the wrong dose can be a problem!

Examples from my own life:

Starting dose of Concerta didn't do much, next dose up gave me a week-long anxiety attack.

Starting dose of Welbutrin made me feel like I was About to Die for a week.

Dexedrine initially made me NOT HUNGRY for three weeks. I lost 10 lbs.

Strattera made me depressed and adversely affected my typing (been accurately touch typing since I was 11, suddenly was making really weird typos).

Good dose of sertraline (Zoloft) helped my anxiety and depression but caused me to start skin picking in earnest; next dose up had me closing in on serotonin syndrome.

Adderall worked well (until it didn't) but also made me feel ill after I ate yogurt.

It sounds like you would need to try other meds or other doses, preferably one at a time(!), to find what works best for you overall.

Executive Function & Depression

It sounds like your depression is your biggest problem right now. Depression can worsen executive functioning, so that makes sense.

It's probably a good idea to talk to your prescribing doctor about your medication regime. Ask what your options are and if you can please work on getting off the antidepressant so you can try something else.

Alongside this, you may well be dealing with ADHD burnout, which I am only just coming out of myself. It's a struggle, to be sure!

My best advice for that is to be gentle with yourself. Don't expect yourself to Do All the Things; instead, keep a master list of things that need to get done and choose three of them to focus on each day (your Goals) and three fun ones to try to get to each day (your gravy).

It's okay if sometimes one of your Goals is to get dressed.

Parent Stuff

It sounds like your mom is trying to make you feel better or maybe herself(?). If that's how she needs to think of this all, let her. What matters is that she understands when you're struggling and is willing to support you. If not, you might like to refer her to this Russell Barkley video.

It's great that your dad has realized he has ADHD, though! Even if he doesn't bother to pursue a formal diagnosis, just knowing that can help a lot since if he's having issues he knows where to find suggestions that are more likely to actually work (because stuff that works for neurotypical people almost never works for ADHDers, while stuff that works for us also works for NT's).

Family Systems Theory says that how we behave around our family members is directed by how our family works as a system. There are also smaller systems within the whole that affect how individuals relate to each other. This is why we tend to fall back into childhood patterns when we're around our family of origin. Those patterns are ingrained through years of conditioning.

CPTSD?

While I don't think Gabor Maté is right about trauma and ADHD, I do think that it's pretty common for ADHDers to have childhood trauma. We spend years getting in trouble for stuff we couldn't control and being held to a standard we simply can't reach due to our ADHD, and that affects our self-esteem and is (to my mind) a big reason why so many of us have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which is that huge emotional reaction we can have to criticism (real or perceived).

I have found a lot of reassurance and helpful information about CPTSD through watching videos from the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She reads letters from people and helps them with their problems, and she explains the problems faced by people who have CPTSD and offers ways to deal with them.

Loving ADHD

I don't think it's bad to love your ADHD. I do think it's a little weird, because most of us hate it a lot of the time, but I definitely see positives in my own life and view it as a neutral (if annoying) part of who I am.

I actually think it's great that you do love it, because it's going to be part of your life forever. Making sure you have systems in place to deal with the stuff that's challenging is going to be really important moving forward, but that's part of what this Tumblr is for.

Overall, I think you are probably doing better than you think you are, and once your meds get sorted you'll be in a much better space in general.

Followers, do you have anything to add, or any corrections to something I've said?

-J

[genderqueerpositivity]

Content warning: ADHD medication and medical stuff

A few months ago I started taking Adderall after being diagnosed with ADHD. The results have been kind of mixed. We've adjusted the dose a bit here and there, gone back and forth on the benefits of immediate release vs extended release.

And the whole time I've been getting gradually more uncomfortable with having this...window of usefulness, at most 4-5 hours, of feeling normal and productive and emotionally stable. For less time than a typical shift at work. And then it wears off and I feel irritable and like my tolerance for sensory input is at 0. In fact, I think my sensory sensitivities might actually be considerably fucking worse on stimulants even if my general executive functioning is better. My sensitivity to sound is especially affected.

The answer every time has been to increase the dose...which is an effective solution for only a few weeks at most.

I don't know if this is typical for any other AuDHD folks but it has been my experience. I am also not passing judgment on anyone at all when I say the following: I don't want to have to rely on amphetamines to get shit done and feel (very temporarily) emotionally regulated.

I know that stimulant meds are a life changer for a lot of ADHDers. I just feel like it might not be for me. Not for my brain, not with my health issues, not with my family history of certain conditions.

Which is disappointing, actually. Not the outcome I was hoping for when I set out to be evaluated and diagnosed. I was hoping this would be the missing explanation and the solution basically. I have a better understanding now of my executive functioning issues, but I'm still struggling to deal with them.

Anyway, I'm switching to a non-stimulant medication. And I'm a little nervous about it, as I am with most new meds. I'm just hoping that it helps and that the side effects aren't worse than those I've been dealing with for the past few months.

When I get around to picking the stuff up, probably tomorrow, I'm starting Strattera. I'm already doing the googling (ono) but if anyone who sees this would like to share experiences, I'm all ears.

[vanosslirious]

BBS Dialogue Prompts #322

ʙʙꜱ ᴅɪᴀʟᴏɢᴜᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴍᴘᴛꜱ & ꜱᴇɴᴛᴇɴᴄᴇ ꜱᴛᴀʀᴛᴇʀꜱ: [ 13 ]

SMII7Y

Goddamn, how am I supposed to clean that?

True, I can just rappel down.

It doesn’t even set up on these walls.

I feel so professional right now.

Bro, stop, I’m on a scaffold, it’s dangerous.

Dude, I don't have my rope.

Wow, it’s like a different world in here.

The outside is still disgusting, I’m going to be 100% with you.

Let me hear it, gimme it.

It’s all downhill...

Might be awhile until I have another one.

I didn’t think it was that close.

I’m sorry, this normally doesn’t happen.

I was literally about to say that.

Put it on the roof!

Yes you can!

Bro, let’s look at the sights together.

Bro, we were supposed to leave it up there, how did you grab that?

You know what, you bring up a good point.

Line it up but right next to me.

VANOSSGAMING

You tip zero?

Is that the delivery man’s fault?

Yeah, let’s do this.

Wow, it takes two hits.

Well, now you can show us the way.

I feel like I’m being pranked.

Is it made out of cheese?

Finally one that doesn't work so well.

Ah, fucking get me an audition.

I shot you point blank.

GRIZZY

Wait, wait, is there another one?

I have five keys.

This is me and you, old lady.

What did I miss, I literally closed my eyes for a second.

I tried to take her down!

I'm gonna murder this old hag.

Somebody is flying out that window.

You have IQ?

I don't know if that's how it works.

Bro, I can't even explain that, I'm just dogshit.

TERRORISER

I'm going back in there, aren't I, for fuck sake.

Time to die, I guess.

He's walking through walls now, sick.

I know he's behind me, fuck this…

Alright, bitch, buy me some candles.

Shut up, stop talking.

How did I win?

How come you didn't message me on my birthday with the calendar?

Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya.

Jeez, you are sick.

ELILIKESRICE

Vampires holding guns in general is funny.

I thought you can read my mind.

I drink blood 'cuz it reminds me of kool-aid.

God, just put on a shirt, please!

I'm only 5'10.

He wronged us too many times.

They hit the pentagon.

I sacrificed myself.

Help, I'm gonna die, you fucks.

That's it, I've had enough.

BASICALLYIDOWRK

I'm getting hit by everything, bro.

I'm not paying my mortgage until we win.

You guys got about fifteen more minutes for my prescribed Adderall kicks in, and all the wind is fucking flowing in.

Press the fucking button, you dipshits!

Cut him off, it's the last guy, cut him off.

You got this, I believe.

We already qual'd, you dumb ice-cream fuck.

You can, but it's just going to be hard.

I don't know what that means.

I heard a door open.

JERICHO

Get off of the keys!

How do I get out of here?

Now, cut me in on the deal, exactly as you promised.

Wow, that is really difficult.

I'm just gonna go ahead and do this real quick.

Can you carry my body back to the van?

We have forty-two seconds left.

Don't be a hero.

I don't know how to activate it.

What is this bag here?

NOGLA

No, I got it covered.

Hold on, I gotta kill this guy.

That's my title.

Honestly, I zoned out completely.

Watch how bad this guy is.

No one has paid a penny yet.

If it was ten thousand, it would’ve selled.

You guys do whatever the fuck you want but leave me alone.

Stop what you're doing!

Okay, I figured it out, it’s this way.

BLARG

I'm on top of this man, and he's not dying.

I might have gotten executed in the back of the head.

That was violent.

Wait, just stand still.

This is such a-brother-and-sister-and-guy-we-bought-drugs-from-moment!

Yay, reviving the better player.

We're going for a ride!

How do I not die?

I think the door hit the dog in the head, because there's blood everywhere. 

Oh, I fell over and died.

WILDCAT

What did you get, did you get something good?

He's not near the bikes, fuck off!

Dude, he was just with us.

Only the killers can hear dead people.

I think you and I have the best read on our friends, you know, that's why I want to work together.

That fucking guy flopped the fuck over.

He's trying to act all scared around me.

I knew you were a bad boy.

What do you need to help him do?

Why do you ask a question and run away?

BIGPUFFER

He never gonna find me.

I can't kill anyone.

I'm out of ammo.

I lost so many points!

You can teleport through the sewer system? 

Fuck you, how about that, huh, you little idiot!

Really, you're gonna do me like that?

I literally didn't notice you.

Wait, what did I just see for a second there?

Wait a minute, I'm getting eaten!

H2ODELIRIOUS

I don’t think he can hit me.

Maybe he can’t see me.

I’m a spectral anomaly.

Where the hell did you go?

It’s not personal, it’s just you.

There’s a rabbit taking a bath.

This is my nightmare!

Alright, I should be scared.

That’s not what I meant!

I’m in the garage, I just heard her.

FL0M

Are you just blowing up vaults, dude?

Alright, hacker.

I can't believe they got beyblades in this game, this is incredible.

Oh my God, you can kill them.

Back the fuck up!

This is the heist, motherfuckers.

Hey, knock that shit out.

Make sure they're fucking dead.

Alright, I might've shot him.

Wait, you got the submarine, what the fuck!

[wifelinkmtg]

you guys i’m starting to think magic story might not be that good

I’m really really happy the Phyrexia essay found its intended audience, and i’m glad it resonated so deeply with so many of you! People have asked me if they can quote it or lift concepts from it, and the answer is yes, absolutely! Please attribute it to me if you do, and if you want to send me whatever you’re using it in I would love to read it, though that’s optional. That’s the first thing.

The second thing is, man, was March of the Machine story a wet dud or what? I try to set my expectations low with official WotC stuff, but I did not have them set anywhere near low enough. Consequently, it’s been difficult to muster the energy lately to do things on this blog because, like, jeez, what an unceremonious and largely consequence-free waste of potential all of that was (except for the Ixalan story. The Ixalan story had everything: amazing kaiju fights [sorry Ikoria] and Magic’s best lesbian couple [sorry Gruulfriends, also congrats Gruulfriends.] “But what about the Ravnica story?” you, an incorrect person, say, “I thought the Ravnica story was really good,” you continue, incorrectly. The Ravnica story was very bad! It had really good ideas in it, but it was exceedingly-poorly written. My most charitable interpretation is that there was a miscommunication, and the author expected there would be a thorough editorial pass, and instead they just published it as-is. Sad! I would have really enjoyed a well-written version of that story. </hater>) But also it’s been difficult to muster enthusiasm to do Magic stuff lately because of WotC’s extracurriculars (increasingly-predatory attempts to more thoroughly monetize D&D, the fucking thing with the fucking Pinkertons.) But today I took an Adderall because it’s one of the rare days I actually have to focus on a task at work, and I’m using the residual focus to post an overdue update here, hello!

And I’m not done with this blog! Far from it. I’m going to keep posting dumb horny card art reviews here, for sure, but here’s some other stuff you can expect to see in the next few months or so:

1. a follow-up to the Phyrexia essay digging into the question of what a “fascist aesthetic” is, what it’s for in fiction, what it means to enjoy things that contain those elements. I think this is a really interesting topic with a lot of depth and hopefully nuance to it, and I really only skirted it in the original essay, and oh man did people have things to say about that (most of them polite). I addressed a similar topic previously on this blog when I talked about the conquistador vampires in Ixalan, but I don’t think I’m satisfied with that post. I think we can also talk about how we engage with a text, and how we engage with a text like Magic: the Gathering specifically. This is a lot to cover, and it may end up getting trimmed down, or I may succumb entirely to the seduction of scope creep. Who can say!

2. an essay on chivalry in its historical contexts, how it’s been used, what purposes it serves in a society (its role, for instance, in sustaining white supremacy in America), and what it means when we encounter it in “sword lesbian” media (the Locked Tomb books, Revolutionary Girl Utena, etc.) This is going to require a great deal of research and I have no idea what my ultimate conclusion will be, but it’s a topic I’m personally very invested in for a whole host of reasons.

3, maybe. I’ve been toying with the idea of writing MtG fic for a while, because they keep wasting potential and I think I could do a better job. If I do, I’ll post it here, but no promises. Fiction isn’t my main genre, and fanfic isn’t something I’ve gotten seriously into before, despite being on tumblr since 2011. But someone needs to do Avacyn justice, so we’ll see.

4. other writing. I’m a lightly-published poet in real life, and I’m currently working on my first chapbook, so maybe I’ll try putting some of it on tumblr, and since this blog’s readership has surpassed my personal, I guess? I’d put it here? Or, possibly, the short horror stories I infrequently write. Again, we’ll see.

5. Obviously I’m going to keep doing the horny Magic card art reviews. I’m not feeling the new stuff right now, but there’s a lot of older sets I haven’t done yet. The Tarkir block is next - and in fact, I think that will be the next post on this blog. I think it’s time we started appreciating Monastery Swiftspear for more than her brutal efficiency in aggro decks, because frankly she’s a snack and this should be acknowledged.

Anyway, thank you all for reading, hit me up if you wanna play some Commander, and I’ll see y’all in the next one!

[astrangewoman]

my first psychiatrist misdiagnosed me as bipolar (as well as an abundance of other things, some of which were correct) when I was 21, and he once recommended electroshock therapy if they “couldn’t get my mood swings under control” with medication. I was taking 14-16 different pills then. I was sedated from some of them, so he prescribed me others to wake me up. I was taking pills that made me shake so hard I couldn’t write, so he prescribed me additional ones to combat it. he fought side effects from pills with more pills. I couldn’t focus. I could hardly hold a conversation, much less retain anything. my cognitive abilities were completely shot. I was taking 900+ mg of lithium every night and 70 mg of vyvanse in the morning to wake me up and help me focus and 20 mg of adderall in the afternoon to perk me up when the vyvanse’s effects would start to wane.

I wasn’t bipolar.

I was a mentally and emotionally abused girl dealing with prolonged trauma, and I was reacting to triggers and boundaries repeatedly being crossed in a chaotic and unsafe home environment.

he was going to use electroshock therapy on me because he ran out of options when the myriad of pills he put me on weren’t shutting off my brain or my emotions like he wanted, like my mom wanted. she actually considered it, which felt like a betrayal because it seemed so unsafe and barbaric to me. (she never should’ve been involved in the conversation in the first place but my doctor always insisted that she sit in on our appointments. I was still living with her, and I didn’t know better, and I was afraid to speak up.) I actually considered it, even though it scared me terribly, because I didn’t know any other way out of my suffering that wasn’t final.

I took 900 mg of lithium every day for almost 9 years before I finally found a psychiatrist who recognized what I’d always suspected but was never supported. my brain will never ever be the same.

I think about that all the time. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

idk where I’m going with this or why I’m even sharing. it’s been weighing heavy on my mind and my heart this week, for some reason. the moral of my story, I guess, is to advocate for yourself. if something doesn’t feel right, speak up and get a second opinion if you can. I was unfortunately ignored and felt beaten down to a point where I just kind of accepted my diagnoses until I couldn’t anymore. my doctors (I left that one shortly after the electroshock suggestion) found a cocktail of medications that seemingly did the trick, and by that I mean my anxiety and depression were subdued enough that I could more-or-less function so it seemed like these doctors were on to something. until they abruptly stopped doing the trick. until I finally put my armchair research on trauma disorders to work and found a therapist who listened and who recommended a psychiatrist who understood.

I hate that psychiatrists are so expensive and that the “good ones” I’ve come across don’t take my (or any) insurance. I hate that mental healthcare feels more, and is more, like a privilege than the most basic human right. I hate that my first two psychiatrists only thought of trauma disorders in relation to military veterans and not abuse survivors (or any other way that trauma could manifest itself). I worry about the fact that my first doctor is primarily a youth psychiatrist because that means that actual children could be facing the same experience and misdiagnoses I was when I was seeing him. I hate that I feel powerless in stopping it. sharing my story helps make me feel better. I don’t know that it would or does make a difference for others, but I don’t feel like just writing this down in a private place just for me. I’m not afraid to be honest and speak out anymore, like I used to be. I’m not afraid of the boogeyman, no matter who he might be.

[thetreetopinn]

My ADD Medication Journey - Dec 7, 2023

I know this is published on Dec 8, but this is what I wrote down for the day before--my first day on the medication.

I figure it might be helpful for others, or maybe folks who have more experience might be able to offer insight since this is my first time medicating for ADD.

Observations:

Adderall 20mg - two doses daily (one in the morning, one around noon)

1st dose taken at approximately 8:30 am

Noticed the tablet has a mild sweet taste, reminded me of Smarties. Will need to ensure if I'm around any of the younger members of the extended family that none of them have access and think it's candy.

No major side effects detected.

Very mild light-headedness about 1-2 hours in, lasted very briefly, possibly only half an hour, not strong enough to be of any concern, did not impair mobility in any way, just strong enough to be noticed.

Noticed the expected appetite suppression, did not feel hungry all day long.

Due to the nature of the day's work (which was somewhat abnormal, a great deal of training others and talking required), ate only a few bites of lunch.

Will need to make a more concerted effort to ensure that I am eating regularly.

Looking forward to not having a desire to snack in between meals, may help lose at least a little weight.

Will not rely on medication as weight loss or hunger management, only a happy side effect.

Due to hunger (lowered blood sugar), noticed increased tremors in hands.

Will need to provide myself with provisions that I can eat quickly and easily (granola bars and the like) so that I can maintain a more level blood sugar without snacking regularly.

Was concerned the medication would leave me feeling jittery--it's a stimulant--but did not experience jitteriness at all during the day.

Instead, noticed a general sense of eagerness to get things done. Possibly because of how positive the work day was going, keeping me in a better mood.

Noticed an improved energy level--usual 40 year old millennial fatigue was not present.

Unsure if this is just due to the nature of having a good day and being in a better mood and having gotten an uninterrupted night's sleep, or if it is the medication.

Will continue to observe as medication continues.

2nd dose taken at approximately 1 pm

Continued to notice good energy (again, may just have been because I was having a good work day)

Light-headedness did not return during the second dose. Will watch to see if it returns tomorrow morning.

Got off work at 5 pm, went to pick up car from the shop, got home around 6:30-7pm, still noticing good energy.

Noticed appetite return around 6 pm, mild hunger, then building to "Oh, I haven't actually eaten really anything ALL DAY because distracted by training" hunger by about 7pm.

General feeling of being productive--completed several household tasks: laundry, dishes, built spreadsheet for auto maintenance history.

Curious if part of my good day is because the medicine helps to stabilize emotional disregulation--something I have some difficulty with sometimes.

More data is needed to see if this is the result of the medicine or just generally better experience at work for the day.

[hoodiedeer]

Very reasonable opinion. The field of medicine is too broad and too deep for any one human to understand enough about it to really be able to know how to help any random person. Sometimes I am sympathetic to the plight of doctors and then I remember that someone I knew had been put on adderall when he was 9 and was still suffering debilitating consequences from it even after the better part of a decade clean and I think "Everyone involved in that decision ought to be treated like a war criminal." Doctors were the ones championing lobotomies, and administering fatal does of radiation to people who they thought had terminal cancer, and countless other atrocities the scope of which is impossible to truly grasp. Some of them might be trying to help me, but that doesn't mean I can trust them not to do irreparable harm in the process.

i just can never wrap my head around how they can all be so consistently trained to not listen to anyone else and be so overly aggressively confident in their own opinion it gets people killed. how can anyone have that little empathy or care. i hear about endless stories of women and fat people in particular going years without diagnosis for detectable and treatable things like cancer etc where it seems like whats happening is so painfully obvious to everyone EXCEPT the doctors. and I think "wow im glad I havent had to deal with much of that in my life so far" and then I remember how I couldve died because when I was a little kid I got a blood transfusion that seemingly made me now allergic to a certain antibiotic and my parents figured it out like IMMEDIATLEY but it took weeks before a doctor quit brushing it off and was like "oh yeah youre probably going to die if we dont change this immediatley" lol

[emptylittlebug]

6/14/23

247.0

In: Adderall, Wellbutrin, McD’s large Diet Coke, McD’s large vanilla ice coffee (230), ham sandwich for lunch (470), sloppy joe sandwich for dinner (254), Cutie mandarin after dinner (47), fml.. cosmic brownie (270) 1271 total

Out: fitbit says 2833cal

Total: -1562 cal

Today:

I feel very meh today. Like a blob. Like a sleepy, giggly, blob.

I took my Adderall for the first time in a month. Hopefully that’ll help some 😅

I watched Best Little Girl In The World last night for the first time. Been dealing with eating disorders since 2004 and just watched it for the first time. Ha. It was definitely not as good as I keep seeing it is. But it was a decent movie. The ending pissed me off and was sooo rushed. Literally “i saw my worse than me friend die and now I can eat ice cream and laugh and go home” within 10ish minutes of the movie. But. I felt it was important enough to document on here lmao.

I’m tired. That’s all. Might update later. Idk.

Just know I’m still here. Fat, pathetic, annoying, but here.

Oh yeah. My mom just started a new diet…. Iykyk.

She’s counting calories for the first time in her life. Guess who she calls every fucking meal to ask what is low calorie and will fit into her 1,200 limit a day? 🙄

Edit:

It’s 7:06pm. Just updated my in/out cals.

Making my first rule… no food after 7pm.

Second rule… 1000 cal max.

I totally didn’t document here that we have a beach trip planned for September.

13 weeks from tomorrow… 92 days.

Edit:

12:10am. Updated my in/out. I noticed it was 11:30 and decided to try to hit my steps and cal goals for the day 😅 Running in place is weird when you’re trying to not sound like dropping bricks to the downstairs apartment neighbors lmao. I’m sure they hate me. But I did get 7660/10000 steps and 2833/3000 cals burned.

Maybe I’ll try to hit the goals tomorrow. I don’t wanna burn myself out again though. But trying to hit the goals might be good.

And.

Once the apartment complex fixes my fucking a/c (been waiting for over a month…) I was thinking about trying a workout video every night. Idk which one yet. But anything is better than nothing! I just have to wait for a/c because a workout video when its 92° inside is just NOT gonna happen…. Not with my burning up 247lb ass already sweating and chafing in awful places…

Hmm. What should my beach goal weight be? It’s 13 weeks away. First time at the beach in 7 years.

I’ll obviously still be fat as hell. But I can be less fat as hell.

2-4lbs a week? 220-200? That’s too broad.

200 goal but be happy if I hit 215? Yeah I like that one.

47lbs in 13 weeks….

[luminarily]

the way we're putting $200 on fiber and shit this month. fuck me sideways with a chainsaw

[friendofthecrows]

I don't think you guys get how scientifically some "witchcraft" MUST be taken or else you can face serious side effects (I am specifically talking about things that deal with herbs, minerals, or other chemical components, especially when they are meant to be ingested, applied to the skin, or inhaled).

Like, I'm locally known for my tea witchcraft, which anyone who has looked into it might more accurately call herbology or a mix of folk knowledge and biochemistry. I stay as up to date as I can on the research, and for things that there isn't enough research for at the moment but have been used for a certain ailment for centuries, I meticulously document every use, the exact procedure and recipe, and any reported effects whether they on the surface seem relevant or not.

I'm reminded of this because of the covid that has been passing around the household, and all the remedies I've been making for one symptom or another, conscious of everyone's health issues and medication. My dad says, "thank you for taking care of everyone, Hal." and I say, "no problem! :)" queue me returning downstairs for almost an hour of washing chemistry equipment.

On tumblr on the rare occasions I share any herb-based stuff I learn, it's all pretty mild. I avoid potent shit that you really need to be careful with. But note that when you get really into it, you start to realize that a lot of the more effective stuff is toxic in larger doses. Because it's like medicine. It's chemically based and it has a potent, significant effect on the human body. You can't take too much. Now, I don't mess around with that stuff irl either unless I am 100% certain of what I'm doing and the situation calls for that level. I also forage for most of my herbs/mushrooms/mosses/etc, and sometimes, the stuff I have access to is the stuff you've got to be careful with.

Did you know that foxglove is great for treating congestive heart failure and atrial fibrillation? It's used to make a prescription drug called digoxin for that specific purpose. It's also really fucking toxic, far too much to mess with it at home. More dangerously, the information on the benefits of foxglove is just a google search away! I chose a really obvious example for this, but if you just fill an infuser with any given plant that's supposed to help with [issue] and steep it, no carefully determined dilutions, temperatures (for either the denaturing of certain proteins or preventing the release of certain chemicals) and very specific steep times (mostly to prevent the release of too high of dosage toxic chemicals) you might find yourself in the emergency room or in the ground. Best case just sick for a few days. Or you might happen to be right and feel so much better!

But the point is, you've got to take this stuff seriously if your resident witch/herbologist/homeopathic healer is, and if they're not, avoid participation or do a shit ton of research on your own to make sure it's safe first. If you're doing it on your own, research, record results carefully, ask questions of those who know more, and be prepared to stop any herbal treatment you start. Don't be arrogant.

(I kid you not, my brother is banned from the tea shelves since one time (for context he has tachycardia) he made himself a strong infusion of yerba mate as a study aid, which he knew to do because I make it for myself as a study aid (not now that I'm on adderall) and for those of you who don't know, it's a stimulant thanks to frankly insane amounts of caffeine *when made traditionally* (more than coffee, which my brother is not allowed to have thanks to his tachycardia). Needless to say this ended in an ER trip. (He was ultimately okay, don't worry).)

[nothorses]

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I just thought I’d ask because Google isn’t very good-

What are some things that happen on T that you dont expect/think will happen/surprised you?

I know the obvious stuff like voice dropping and hair and muscle growth being easier, but idk what to expect other than those bits and I’m a bit nervous.

Sorry to bother you, have a lovely day! 💚

Ooh, okay. This is exactly why I kept a journal.

lemme start with the most helpful bit of info I received pre-T:

Skin oiliness/acne

Everyone has different experiences with this; personally, my acne actually cleared up completely for a few months when I first started. Now it’s back, and worse, but I’ve noticed it’s mostly around my mouth and chin- where beard growth is beginning. Also, upper back and shoulders. Those areas seem to be the typical ones, from what I gather.

I am definitely oilier, and I definitely need to shower every day. I recommend getting lotion for your back, and some kind of scrubber, and washing your face morning and night to deal with oiliness. I use basic face wash, toner, and moisturizer, plus I exfoliate and use a hydrating face mask 2 or 3 times a week. And benzoyl peroxide cream for the zits. That’s what was recommended to me & it’s working pretty well, but ymmv!

Cessation of menstrual period

This also varies for everyone, especially between gel and injections. I’m on injections, and mine stopped about three months in. It was also kind of a petering out; they might get longer or less intense for a bit before they stop entirely.

Body fat redistribution

This one takes a while and isn’t super immediately noticeable, but working out helps speed this process along. You may also gain weight when you’re first starting T, and most folks’ appetites increase as well. Mine certainly did- but then I started Adderall not long after, which has lessened it again.

Vaginal atrophy

This just means you begin to produce less fluid & tighten up. Lube is your friend, prep is your friend, just be kind to your stuff. You shouldn’t experience any pain or significant discomfort, but I was sort of dry/itchy for a month or so near the beginning, and lube helped with that. Talk to a doctor if it keeps going on and doesn’t get better in time.

Increased muscle mass/strength

This one can take a while to start, but I’ve heard that it can be tough to know your own strength when it does. Again, working out helps!

Changes in libido

My libido increased fast and hard. You will not be uncontrollable by any means, you will not become a sex-crazed beast, you will not lose your faculties or any of that shit people sometimes try to scaremonger with. It’s literally just that your regular hornyness happens more often, and might feel stronger as well. It’s also normal for orgasms to feel different after some time on HRT; less full-body, more specific to the genital region.

Some folks also talk about shifts in orientation. In my experience, the orientation thing has been true, but only because I feel more comfortable in my own body now! I’m more comfortable with the idea of physical relationships because I’m more comfortable with existing and being perceived physically. I have a better read on who I’m actually attracted to because I’m not on eight planes of dissociation from my own emotions and sense of attraction. It feels better, and more true to who I actually am.

Facial/body hair growth

This varies for everyone too! Body hair starts to thicken and spring up in new areas; I noticed it on my lower abdomen first. My leg hair seems to be darkening and thickening a bit, too. Facial hair can feel itchy and even hurt a bit when it first starts, but essentially it’s your peach fuzz starting to thicken up and grow longer over time. It can also be sort of patchy and inconsistent, and it can take multiple years for it to fill out into satisfying beard hair.

Give it time! Shaving won’t speed things up, but getting shaving materials a few months in isn’t a terrible idea. The patchy/inconsistent/whispy growth isn’t everyone’s favorite look to rock, and shaving can be a validating experience. Personally I like to let things grow, since I live alone and nobody sees me without a mask on, but it’s nice to have the option.

Bottom growth

I think this is weirdly one that folks don’t really talk about, but it is one of the more significant changes! Things may feel pretty sensitive pretty quickly (mine started within the first month) and it’s helpful to wear bottoms with some space in those first few months after you feel bottom growth starting. It can definitely be painful at times- that’ll chill out after a while, though.

I don’t want to get super explicit with this post, but it will essentially look a lot like a very small penis after some time. You need to take care to clean it- rinse, and use very basic, unscented soap very sparingly- and keep in mind that you may be prone to UTIs. Cranberry juice won’t do much, but cranberry pills will!

Deepened voice

This also started very early for me. My throat was sore almost immediately, and while there was no noticeable change in my voice, the soreness kept up almost constantly for months. My first “drop” was during my second month, though usually that happens the third month.

My voice was kinda scratchy and weak for a while, and it was hard to figure out where to speak; it sort of felt like I was just more inclined to use a lower register most of the time. Gradually, the higher part of my range started to become... “locked”? If I tried to speak too highly, my voice would squeak and crack. Now, it’s naturally much deeper, and I can’t speak above a certain register at all. There’s just no sound!

It can help to learn to speak from your belly, not your head, if you want your voice to be deeper. You may also notice that certain ways of speaking and certain inflections read differently as your voice changes; a lot of voice training for trans men is about using a flatter inflection. How you want to sound is entirely up to you, and there’s no wrong way to speak.

Also, low-T can make the voice change process easier and help preserve your singing voice, and may be worth looking into if that’s important to you. Changes will happen more slowly overall on low-T.

Hair loss/male pattern baldness

This was the one I was honestly afraid of, but the nurse I spoke to is also on T, and what he told me was that “hair loss” just means your hairline shifts to a more masculine shape. Nothing scary! Male pattern baldness is also determined by genetics; look to male family members for predictions on when that might set in for you, if it does.

Hopefully there’s some helpful info in there! It’s also 2am now, so I might just be unintelligible. Good luck, friend, and if you’re starting soon, congrats!!

[tfw-adhd]

Do medications like Adderall and Ritalin only help people with ADHD? I was diagnosed at 6 and put on Adderall, and it helped a lot. I understand that ADHD meds are stimulants, but I was able to focus better, etc. If there was any side effect it was that I was a bit...foggy, I guess, at times. Never over-energetic. The thing is I quit the meds in middle school (school for 11-13 yr olds generally, grades 6-8), and did fine. I rarely put in any more effort than was necessary (with the exception of maybe Latin, my favorite class ever, but even there I would skip my homework sometimes) but I still got good grades (marks, I think they may be called in other countries). I just...is the fact that the stimulants didn't make me all hyper or whatever, proof that the diagnosis was correct? Do I still have ADHD? I used to think "grew out of it". I look at lists of symptoms, and I have a lot of them. And I hear people nowadays saying you can't grow out of it.

You absolutely can’t “grow out of” ADHD, no. It’s not.. an illness, so it doesn’t go away. It’s a different way of thinking. It’s... physical differences in the brain. So if you’ve been diagnosed as having ADHD, then you’ll always have it.

Honestly, I’m not sure if stimulants only calm people with ADHD, but... it definitely doesn’t calm people who are completely Neurotypical. You might have believed you’d “grown out of it” because you’ve just gotten better at dealing with the symptoms.

[re-roo-ting]

I want to say this here because I don’t see people talk about the positive things that can happen and how things can change. Also everyone is different and this is just my story.  Not the whole thing just the parts that might help someone.

I’m diagnosed with major depression disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD.

TW: Talks of depression, panic attacks, and adhd struggles

To know the good you have to know just how bad things were first. Before any medication or any professional help, and before I was out of the house I grew up in, I suffered from bad depression. My parents didn’t care much about school and so there were months where I would miss at least one day a week for every week, sometimes more. And I would spend those days laying in bed, often just crying, and being upset without a reason I could find. Aside from my depression I deal with a lot of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and found myself constantly feeling unwanted and out of place. I would go through spells of intense motivation and hyper focus followed by days not doing anything and feeling so bored that my brain hurts and feels like its rotting. My thoughts would race so fast and feel so loud, They weren’t always nice either and there were repetitive and would latch on to ideas heard by other people. I would loose my school work, and organization was never easy. My room looked like a dump. Then I would get upset with myself for letting that happen, and give into this idea that I was lazy. Panic attacks were another issue I would deal with. I’m a paranoid person, and this paired with my race thoughts led to me being regularly overwhelmed. I was having up to four panic attacks a week when I was at my worst. And they left me feeling drained causing more issues with motivation, and more self loathing. 

Right now things are not perfect. I’m readjusting to meds, and I still have bad days. I go through the same things sometimes, and get overwhelmed a lot. But I’ve learned how to cope. I’m trying to be healthy, and improve my self image. I write in my journal a lot and use art and writing, and other forms of creativity to help with my feelings. I talk to people about how I’m feeling and Have improve a lot with communicate and boundaries though I'm still not where I need to be. Most days aren’t happy days, but some are, and most days aren’t sad days either. I still get overwhelmed and I haven’t figured out to avoid burn out from school yet each semester but I can learn to cope. I’m productive, I have a lot of hobbies that I like and don’t feel obligated to perform. I can be relaxed, and I go days sometimes without feeling super sad or guilty. I enjoy school more, and can meet with friends sometimes daily during school. Being outside doesn’t feel like a chore as much, and I enjoy just sitting outside sometimes. I can be proud of my work and honestly often am. I’m surprised by how well I write sometimes, and am shocked that I can draw at all (Adderall helps me to be able to focus on what I’m doing I think), I also have found there are times where I like how I look. Which is crazy, especially because I feel with dysphoria, and have struggled with an ED for years now (also I have a bad hair cut rn and still enjoy my looks sometimes.) I don’t have panic attacks really anymore and if I do they I have tools to help me through them sometimes. I don’t always remember to use them, and can feel guilty asking for help but it’s things I’m working on.

Things do get better, it takes work and patience and nothing is linear and you can’t expect perfection. I’m walking living proof that things can and will get better, even if only slightly. You don’t need to feel hopeless, I was in the same place, and things do get better.

[nohoney]

Tell Me (When You’re Ready) - 4.1

notes: Part 4 of the Us Series also on ao3

Us Series Masterlist

warnings: 18+, drug use, polyamory, low key manipulation, toxic relationships, cheating

summary:

He’s never been involved with anyone else the way he’s been with you, you’re all he thinks about and wants to have. It’s more than just liking you, this instinct to care for you, this obsession and desire he feels over you, he calls it love, it must be love. 

4.1 ✧ 4.2 ✧ 4.3 ✧ 4.4

At first glance, Touya didn’t really think much of you the first time he had seen you.

You were just another random party goer to him, one of many he saw whenever he attended those kinds of things, easier to just sell to his clientele if they conglomerated in these kinds of functions, though with the slightly older ones they have to blend in better since they’re technically crashing a house party. University students, upcoming freshmeat, recently graduated alumni and some of their plus ones or more, it’s so easy to tell who the veterans are versus the greenhorns.

The ones who can hold themselves together versus the ones that need to be carried, the ones who can hold there liquor versus the ones that need to be babysat, the strong versus the weak.

And you were that in between, walking around cross faded with eyes that looked lost in space but when someone put a hand on your shoulder then you would come back to earth, but not with your feet touching the ground. Like your feet just barely skimming the surface but still wanting to float in the sky, streaming through a pleasant haze just a bit longer until the high ends and you’ll have no choice until it’s time to walk amongst the animals again.

You sat on the couch with a few girls, talking amongst themselves and no doubt grouped together to protect one another from the predators; who could resist drunk and weak girls, especially the ones who looked the most broken. The eyes of the boys on your group and hoping to try to break into the circle and pick off the weakest to break away the pack. They get especially eager when the group wants to drink more, but you and two friends decide to go outside to smoke a joint instead.

“I’m drunk, I need’a go outside.”

The first words he ever heard you say, though not the first he’s heard but it sounded cute the way you slurred them out.

His eyes followed you briefly, holding hands with a friend as you made your way to get to the outside for a smoke.

“Yo Dabi! Good to see you man!”

He passed discreet little baggies, pink and blue tablets, little pills, he always gets a pat on the back from the boys and winks from the girls.

The girls like him, more than a few offering a little something extra when he makes a successful sale. Two of his whores are at this party, the decent flings he goes back to every so often when he wants to get his dick wet and when they want his goods.

Good dick and good drugs, it’s nice to get a two for one sale.

The second time he sees you at the party, he’s just leaving a room and fixing his belt while you sit at the top of the stairs with a friend. You and your friend are engrossed in your conversation, more than likely a similar talk happening somewhere inside the house party because you talked about your regrets of the way you and your ex broke it off, just more drunk girl talk. “It was so… so fuckin’ stupid dude, I was drunk and he showed up. We fucked but whe’ I woke up the next day, I fuckin’ left and just didn’t talk to him again.”

The second thing he ever heard you say but Touya literally passed by three girls half an hour ago that had a similar conversation, yours was nothing special.

Touya always denies drinks, offers of lines and other things when he goes to these kinds of functions, he needs a clear mind when he deals. He’s not dumb as fuck when he’s high or when he’s on, he can handle himself quite well and could sell just as well even if he were, he just doesn’t want to be relaxed around people that he doesn’t know that well or trust. It would have been nice if Keigo tagged along but the fucker’s Adderall hadn’t worn off in time to accompany him. Keigo gives him a good break from the others, kinda resets him and then he goes back to his business.

But Keigo isn’t around so Touya settles for plowing girls in random rooms of the house to give him a brief recess and then he’s back out there.

The third time he sees you, you’re leaning against the body of a young man just a little taller than Touya but nothing in the way he holds you shows that he has any ill intentions towards you. It feels rare sometimes to see two people having a platonic friendship, especially between two people of the opposite sex. Touya’s already sold your friend whatever he wanted but sticks around to make conversation, though it’s an excuse because he can’t help but note the way you’re being held in your friend’s arms. He tries to not make it obvious as he talks but truthfully, Touya wanted to just look at you. It’s obvious that there’s nothing romantic in the way your friend holds you but for some reason, it doesn’t sit well with him.

Even with his eyes up on your friend, he can see how you cling to your friend’s body with your arms wrapped around him so securely and with so much trust. Touya notes how you’re practically purring as your friend pets your head, sometimes massaging the tips of his fingertips against your scalp and then rubbing your shoulder in comfort. And he can see how you peeked up at him a few times, your curious eyes on him but Touya recognizes the cloudy way you look up at him. It’s not out of interest in the way you looked at him but probably just wondering why he was around.

Eventually you stop looking at him and choose to shut your eyes, concentrating on your friend petting your head instead.

“You want to try anything (Name)? Dabi’s got the best shit I’ve ever had, pretty fucking primo.” your friend had offered but you shook your head and said no. And goddamn if it wasn’t the cutest no that Touya’s ever heard in his life, the third thing he's ever heard you say. “Girl’s been pretty curious about wanting to try coke but she hasn’t worked up the nerve to actually give it a try. You know what, lemme buy a half off you too and maybe this’ll be the night that she finally gives it a try.”

Touya went home wondering if you lost your cocaine virginity that night.

That question wouldn’t be answered until a couple month’s later after you and him shared a philosophy class together. Touya remembered you very clearly but for some reason, his gut twists a little when you spoke to him the first time and it’s clear that you didn’t remember him from the party. He decides to forgive you for not remembering him because he feels like he can’t stay mad at you, not with that cute face you have.

But it’s just like at the party, you don’t seem particularly interested in him but Touya’s interested in you so he decides to seek you out more. He starts to crave your attention but he doesn’t want to look like a fool if it’s a one-sided attraction so he lays the charm on you, calls you pretty names that he’s never used on other girls. At first Touya thinks that you can just be girl number nine, hopefully another easy hole for him to use when he has an itch to scratch.

Now Touya’s fucked a lot of girls. He’s taken innocent girls virginities before and he’s had some pretty wild sex with the campus sluts, but there’s something different about you. You’re not a prude, not in the way you flirt back and insinuate wanting to take a seat on his face sometimes, but you’ve got some untouched parts of you that he wanted to lay a claim on. He’d show you new things and hold your hand over what you’d be too scared to do on your own or with others, he’ll watch over you. Imagine his giddiness the first time he ever cut lines of coke for you, it turned out that your cocaine virginity belonged to him this entire time.

"Oh... it's not that bad!"

You took that line so good, how about you take my cock next?

You tease him, playing coy one moment and then acting like nothing happened next.

And normally with bitches that do that shit with him for too long, Touya drops them pretty fast and moves on to the next. A little flirting and teasing is fine but he’s not looking to play a long term game with that kind of bullshit, it’s either happening or it’s not.

But with you it’s different.

You’re different.

Touya starts to obsess over you so slowly that he doesn’t even recognize it at first. All he knows is that he has to have you, he ghosts four of his whores in favor of being with you even though there wasn’t a guarantee that he would get in your pants. He just dropped the ones that he sought for sex only, the other half are still his clientele so he keeps those ones around, plus they're still decent lays. Keigo notices it, the way his friend talks over some girl that he hasn’t even fucked yet and letting go of four of his side whores has him thinking, ‘Wow, she must be something to get Touya’s attention this bad.’

The semester starts to come to an end and he still hasn’t bagged you yet, he calls you his doll but you haven’t let him play with you. He places one of his whores face down and ass up after she does a few lines, imagines that it’s you underneath him and what you might sound like and its your ass he’s grabbing. Touya can imagine it, you weak underneath him and begging for his cock but when the bitch under him whines out ‘Dabi’, he almost loses his boner. He tells her to shut the fuck up and bite the pillow, doesn’t want to hear her stupid sounds because he wants to envision you instead.

But even imagining you calling him Dabi feels wrong, Touya rolling off your pretty lips as he paints your insides white… it blows him over the edge.

In his mind that’s what he wants, but you don’t get the right to call him by his real name. He doesn’t know you like that so you’re just like everyone else for now, referring to him as Dabi. At some point he figures that this fixation he has on you will burn out soon. And yet Touya finds himself drawn further to you, wanting you more and more, doesn’t want you to wander too far away from him and wants to know who you’re with when he’s not by your side.

And he wanted to fuck you too, so fucking bad.

His first try was with a night cap at his place, the first time Touya ever had a girl over in his space. But it seems you know your limitation on alcohol and don’t let him pour you an extra drop, wanting to be able to drive yourself home and be in decent shape for your lectures. He smokes you up one day and it goes in a good direction, you were relaxed and sending him some good signals that lead to the two of you making out. It didn’t go further because he got a phone call from his mother that he couldn’t possibly ignore, but you thought ‘Oh a mama’s boy, that’s so sweet.’

It’s the third time that he finally gets you, playing music in his car that gets you in the mood and that gets you naked in his backseat. He doesn’t know what made you ready all of a sudden but he didn’t stop to ask as you fervently sucked him off. You were more riled up than him, so excited to get his dick and that eager look in your eye when you commanded him to blow your back out. And he sure did not disappoint, he never disappoints when it comes to his dick.

And a relationship persists forward to the surprise of both of you, liking each other more than you thought you would but there were no labels yet, Touya wasn’t used to having a girlfriend so he didn’t want to call you that at first and you weren’t sure if you wanted him to be your boyfriend. Neither of you really spoke about what you were to one another despite the attraction and the lazy build of emotions that neither of you were aware of in the beginning. All Touya knew was that he wanted you to be around him more and be waiting for him when he returned back to his apartment.

It’s difficult to say when mutual attraction turned into the of you catching feelings for one another. You and Touya were hooking up for a couple of weeks after the end of the semester of the one class you shared together, and while he was aware that you were a little disgruntled at him fucking the girls he sells to, he didn’t think it was that big of a deal at the time. Didn’t he make it obvious that you’re different from them and that he only cared about you? So what if he got his dick wet from other girls aside from you? He’d been doing it before he started seeing you but he always came back to you afterwards, so why were you so pissed?

“It’s just business doll.”

It wasn’t official between the two of you yet so there wasn’t much you could say at the time. You just figured that if Touya liked you so much then he would stop and Touya figured that since you liked him just as much then you would understand.

But Touya remembers that night when he left to go sell at another house party, trying to spend time with you before he had to leave but you wouldn’t let him. He knew you were mad again because he just came back from selling to one of his whores which meant that, ‘Yes, she offered her pussy when I got there so we fucked.’ He honestly did not understand where your jealousy was coming from. You were there, sitting in his apartment and spending nights in his bed, he was doing shit with you that he’d never done with anyone else and you were still getting mad at him.

How did you not get that you were different from the rest of them?

But Touya wasn’t going to put more effort into making you feel better when you didn’t want to be cheered up, so he left to do his usual thing.

And when he came back to his apartment earlier than expected, which was only one in the morning, he found that your car was not in the guest parking and therefore you were not waiting for him inside his home. He tried ringing you to find out if you went back to your place but it went straight to voicemail so he goes to your home in hopes that you would have been there instead. But you’re not there when he arrives and you don’t answer his texts and phone calls still don’t go through."Fucking bitch! Where the hell are you?"

Touya can stay up until three in the morning at most if he’s not on anything but that night was the only night he had ever stayed up by just being angry alone. He was riled up and emotions all over the place, hands shaking so bad that he needed to punch something, almost considered putting his fist through his wall. He was fucking furious because he knows immediately that you went out to be with someone else, went to get fucked by some scum because you wanted to be a vindictive little cunt about what happened earlier.

He had practically barged into Keigo’s place and shook him awake in his bed because he didn’t know who to turn to.

“She’s out getting fucked. I fucking know she is!”

“Wha-? Touya…” Keigo groggily sat up in his bed and brushed off Touya's hands off his shoulders, blonde hair a mess from tossing and turning but he gives his friend his undivided attention. He hadn’t met you yet, had only seen pictures and nudes of you that Touya shared with him, but he’s pretty shocked over how outraged Touya is. He’d never seen his friend get so worked up over one girl before, so it speaks volumes to him to see Touya so unhinged. “What makes you say that? Maybe she’s out with friends or something. Just because she’s not back in her place doesn’t mean that she’s getting with another dude.”

But Touya’s gut said otherwise and he insisted that it was right.

“Okay man, I’m going to put some things in perspective for you. I don’t know this girl but it’s obvious that you’re into her… like a lot, but I can’t really blame her for going out to be with someone else if that’s what she’s doing right now. She can still go do what she wants just as much as you can. If you guys haven’t defined what you are to one another, especially with how you operate, then you don’t have much of a right to be telling her what to do.”

Touya was livid when you returned to your apartment, angry that you had the audacity to be so spiteful with him and furious at the thought of you underneath someone that wasn’t him. It fucking hurt him because he didn’t fuck the whores to make you angry, they didn’t mean anything to him compared to you. But in the aftermath of hatefucking turning into lovemaking, he still mulled over Keigo’s advice, deciding that maybe it would make you happy to call you his girlfriend if it meant that you wouldn’t go behind his back again. You're his favorite, his number one, his only one, if reassuring is what he has to do then he'll put up with it as long as he doesn't have to say it too often. And fine, if it really bugged you that much then he decided to make it fair by giving you permission to sleep with who you wanted provided that you always came back to him the same that he did with you.

Except that after he put it out there, he immediately regretted putting the offer out but knew that a fight would surely begin if he decided to take it back. Once again the thought of you being with someone else had got his teeth grinding and gave him anxiety. You’re his fucking girl, his precious doll that deserved to be put on a throne and be given whatever you wanted. Touya wanted nothing more than to protect you from assholes who didn’t appreciate you like your dumbass ex-boyfriend.

“(Name)’s really great, I’m glad the two of you are together. Though are you sure you’re okay with her seeing other guys too? I know you said it to be fair to her but I see you get bent out of shape if she’s even around just one of her guy friends.” Keigo puffed on cigarette, tapping some of the excess ash off the tip before returning the filter to his lips. “You really going to be okay if she decides to get picked up by another dude?”

Touya let out a frustrated sigh as he lit his third cigarette in a row; you’d be pissed if you found out but he was fortunate that you would be out for a few hours so he had time to clean away the evidence. “They’re gonna treat her like shit, I know the assholes out there would but if I take it back, she’s going to get pissed. She didn’t even fucking apologize for fucking someone else behind my back. I don’t want her to be used by someone else, she’s not a whore.”

“Correction, you mean she’s your whore.”

The only one who understood his way of thinking was Keigo.

There’s a night where you sleep in your own apartment while Touya and Keigo sit outside your complex, leaning against his car and just looking at the balcony that they know is attached to your place. A six pack of beer sits on the hood of the car, two slots empty as they each hold a bottle in their hand. Keigo quietly admits to him, “I think I might like (Name) Touya. Like I think I like her a lot, more than just wanting to fuck her and more than just as a friend.”

Touya quietly takes in Keigo’s confession and just nods his head, still looking up at your balcony and hoping that you’re sleeping well. He’s never been involved with anyone else the way he’s been with you, you’re all he thinks about and wants to have. It’s more than just liking you, this instinct to care for you, this obsession and desire he feels over you, he calls it love, it must be love. He hesitantly admits back, “… I think I love her.”

“Wow…”

“Yeah, wow…”

“You really think you love her?” Keigo asked after polishing off his first beer. “What about that whole arrangement thing? If you tell her you love her, she might question you since, you know, you’re still fucking other girls. If you love her then she’ll expect you to be monogamous with her.”

“If she still takes me up on that arrangement, I don’t think I can handle it. Only people who love her should be allowed to fuck her.” In other words, only he should be the only one to have you. No one else loves you like Touya does, he’ll fucking kill any asshole that thinks they can use you as their fucktoy. When Keigo asks again about the other girls, he growls at him and tosses his bottle onto the concrete. “I’m fucking working on that, alright. I just… don’t know how to fucking commit. It’s too fucking hard to do this by myself.”

Keigo just pops the cap off another bottle and hands it to Touya. “Would it help if I joined the relationship? I’m sure we can work something out with (Name), provided she’s willing.”

Touya would observe you and Keigo together, you oblivious to his friend’s flirtations at times and mistaking it as him just being very friendly. He could see golden eyes wandering down your body, already knowing what you looked like without any clothes and how pretty you look when you’re gagging on a dick because Touya’s shown him your nudes and recorded videos of you. Keigo can try to hide and put up a front that he’s just lusting over you but Touya can see that his friend has got that little lovestruck glint in his eyes when he looks at you; and honestly, he’s not even upset about it. The vision of you and Keigo together, it makes him comfortable rather than the anxiety he feels when he thinks about you with someone else. They obsess over you together, you blissfully unaware of how tortured Keigo was sometimes that he couldn’t plow his cock into you because you saw him as just a friend.

So he takes up Keigo's offer.

He was hoping that the transition to introduce Keigo into the relationship would go smoother, but it only comes up after a fight when he brings you with him to a house party for the first time.

God, Touya didn’t mean what he said to you that night when you and Keigo rolled together; he was just frustrated because he didn’t know what he could do to show you that you meant more to him than you knew. No matter how much he reassured you, you kept on letting your stupid insecurities get in the way!

“C’mon man, one minute you’re telling me you love her and now all of a sudden you’re breaking up with her?” Keigo scolds him, unaware that you leave the both of them behind and duck into the house.

“I’m not trying to break up with her! I’m just— fuck, she just doesn’t get that… fuck!”

He’s at a loss of words, he doesn’t want to be mad at you but you couldn’t get over your hangups over the side whores. They weren’t his other girlfriends, not his side bitches, or anything like that. Touya literally only sees them for probably twenty minutes max on the occasion they hit him up, nothing compared to all the time dedicated to you. They can claw at his dick however much they want, that’s all they want from him anyway aside from the pills and powders he sells to them. If it gets them to shut up then fine, but Touya will never spend a second longer with them when he’s finished using them. He doesn’t give a fuck if they whine about not cumming, he never promised them an orgasm when he gives the whores his cock.

He obsesses over you, not them; he cares for you, not them; he only wants you, not them.

Stop being jealous, it's just you!

Keigo finally talks him down but they realize that you’re not around.

Touya searches the outside perimeter of the house while Keigo searches inside. You’re rolling, barely able to take care of yourself and they have no idea where you are. All the worst case scenarios run through his head like you wandering into the night and getting kidnapped, hit by a car while walking down the road, he wonders if you’re still at the house and possibly getting raped because you can’t fight back if someone forces themselves on you. He drives himself crazy with his own imagination and you won’t answer your fucking phone!

To his relief Keigo informs him that he found you locked inside one of the bedrooms, having mixed cocaine, ecstasy, and alcohol because you were upset about what happened. He’s a veteran, Touya’s mixed plenty of times within his boundaries of tolerance but you’ve never done it before so he worries instantly for your wellbeing. The only thing that he can think of what to do to help you is to bring you a fresh bottle of water, you’re probably dehydrated as hell.

He feels awkward as hell when he arrives to the room, standing off to the side as Keigo fusses over you. He’s able to comfort you with the right words in your state of mind, adding in kisses and sweet caresses to your body to help calm you, something that Touya feels unable to do at the moment. But Keigo fixes you up and nods for him to approach you, a little hurt that you whine for Keigo to stay.

But he has to admit his mistake, that he should have been more attentive to you when he brought you with him, even if he trusted Keigo to look over you the entire time. You’re upset, of course you’re upset with him, and he doesn’t want you to be mad at him anymore. So he decides to give you a right he should have bestowed to you a long time ago, you’re not allowed to call him Dabi anymore. It’s the only way he knows to make it up to you and show you that you’re important to him.

Don’t be mad at me anymore babydoll, I’m yours.

You’re a stubborn little thing at first, still insisting on calling him Dabi but he made you come around. His name falling from your lips just sounds so perfect, it sounds right as you choke up on pleasure and come undone with a scream of his name.

Touya imagines that night you went behind his back because you were mad at him, freezing for just a quick moment that you would do the same thing the next time you became angry with him, except now he had given you full permission. You hadn’t taken advantage of the arrangement and didn’t seek anyone out so far, he’s thankful for that, but he has to lock down Keigo into the relationship so that he can secure you.

Touya literally walked out of the house earlier to find you and Keigo making out, surely you can’t believe you can do that on ecstasy and still believe that everything is platonic. He has to put the truth out there, you deserve to know it, no one else would treat you so good like they would.

“He thinks you’re adorable. I talk about your pussy all the time with him. How fucking cute it is, how tight it gets when you get choked, and when you cum all over yourself. He wants to fuck you open so bad.”

“Touya, don’t say that! He’s just a friend!”

“A friend who wants to fuck you.”

He probably could have been more eloquent with his words but he gets his point across to you regardless.

“I gave you permission to fuck who you want doll, Keigo is not the worst person you could choose. In fact, I’d like it if he were the one to keep you warm for me.”

And he can see how realization hits you, Keigo further supporting the claim by coming onto you as well. What you used to perceive his actions as friendly, you thought otherwise now. It’s a truth that you can’t unlearn now that he’s put it out there, but he hopes that you fucking take the bait. If you reject Keigo coming into the relationship, he truly won’t be able to handle the possibility of you seeking someone else out.

He’d fucking go crazy.

That is not an exaggeration.

Everything goes smoothly though, you returning hand in hand with Keigo with that cute, embarrassed look on your face when you asked where the ‘proper threesome’ should take place. He doesn’t know what Keigo said to you or what you said to him in order to reach the desired conclusion but he doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter because he got what he wanted.

You’re right where Touya wants you.

It feels good to know that when he’s out, Keigo is there to be with you in his place.

Everything feels perfect when he’s with you, he won’t lose you to anyone, you’re so fucking good for him, so fucking loyal to him and Keigo that even when you have your own doubts, you fall in line with what he wants anyway. He knows what’s best for you, what you need and what you don’t need. You don’t have to worry about anything because you’re watched over and cared for. He cares for you all the time like when you’re drunk, high, rolling, cross faded, sick, depressed, and everything in between.

But admittedly there are moments when his own anxiety gets the best of him, sometimes Touya looks at you and suddenly wants to run to the hills. He pops a few oxys to try to calm him down sometimes but they’re not always effective. When the pills don’t help, he hopes one of the whores hits him up to ask for a pill or a baggy and he can pretend that he’s living his old life before you came along because that’s what he’s most familiar with. He thinks you’re too good to be true at times and he follows the instinct to self sabotage by still returning to the whores. And every single time without fail when he returns to you, he feels his chest constrict as soon as you’re in his sights.

It’s no secret to you when he goes out to see them, he comes back smelling like artificial fruit or sweet candy, and he sees how you bristle when he tries to come near you. You’re angry at him but choose to remain silent because it’s an argument that’s long exhausted, he feels guilty that he still can’t commit himself to you fully but swears that one day it will happen. One day he’ll defeat that monster inside him that tempts him to ruin everything he’s built with you. But until then, Touya wants to make it up to you every single time. Food and drinks are an easy way to placate you but his favorite is when you agree to house roll with him because no matter what you end up gravitating to him during the roll and lean on him during your come down.

Sensual make outs while on ecstasy when you’ve reached the peak and then comfortable silence during the come down as you wallow together in a brief period of depression, it’s when he feels the closest to you.

And you don’t know this because he hasn’t been ready to say anything, but he’s already told you that he loves you.

The first time he says it, it’s past the six month mark of the relationship and just a little after Keigo is inducted into it as well. Nothing special in particular had happened to make him say it, you went to bed early because you stayed up way too late the night before and you just needed the extra hours of rest. He smoked a joint to relax, hopped in the shower to clean up, and he tip toed quietly in the room to make sure he didn’t disturb you. You barely flinched as he turned on the light in the room, unaware at how much Touya stared down at you as you slept. He took in your features and marvels at how peaceful you look when you’re asleep.

“I love you.” he says for the first time to you out loud.

You shift a little and emit a quiet, nondescript sound and he panics briefly that you might have heard him. Relief floods through him as you simply mumble and nuzzle the pillow, continuing to rest and none the wiser to the confession that Touya spoke into the air. But a weight is off his shoulders as he climbs into bed with you and is ready to sleep alongside you.

So he tells you he loves you when he knows you can’t hear him like when you’re deep in slumber, when you have your headphones on and just blast your music, or just right when you walk out the door after kissing him goodbye. He’s brave enough in those moments to say it but not brave enough to actually tell you just yet.

There’s one night where he thought you were going to say it first, and if that was the case then Touya would happily reciprocate it back.

You were hanging onto him for dear life as Touya rammed his cock into you, your hands clutching his shoulders and the back of your head digging into the mattress with your back arched off the bed. Touya had been mean to you all night by edging you, pulling out just as you’re about ready to burst and relishes in your desperate cries. You promise him you’ll do anything he wants but please please please, don’t just leave you like this. It’s only when you’re at your most desperate that Touya decided to give you the orgasm he’d been denying you.

“Such a desperate fucking whore. Were you thinking about my cock the entire day you were out?” Touya growled into your neck before nipping down on a sensitive spot as he jackhammers his dick into your pussy. “You were fucking drenched in your panties when you walked through that door. You love my dick so much that you think about it all the time huh?”

Your hands clutch onto his shoulders and Touya’s hips move to fuck you until you pass out from cumming so hard. You’ve been fucked stupid plenty of times and you just blearily look up at him as he utterly uses you to his satisfaction. There are plentiful memories of when you’ve told him you loved his dick in the frenzy of the moment, nothing but praises for his cock and how good he rams it in and out of you. It’s so fucking cute when you’re dick drunk and you slur out all your words. But Touya swears that you say it a little bit differently, straining his ears to make sure he heard you right. His hips don’t falter in their pace but he wants to know that he’s hearing what he thinks he’s hearing.

“I love… it…. cock… I love… yo…” shaky breaths leave your lips, shuddering gasps as your whole body trembles at what is sure to be an earth shattering orgasm. “S’fucking good… love ih… Love… yo— ahhh!”

Your whole body tenses and your back arches off the bed as high as your body allows, toes curling as you cum all over Touya’s cock and he cums alongside you. But even in the wreckage of your orgasm, you’re still choking out those breathless words that he was straining to comprehend just a few seconds ago. He wanted you to enunciate more, he should have slapped your cheek and made you speak clearly otherwise he would edge you again but the idea comes much too late now that you’re a boneless, brain fucked mess beneath him with his cum leaking out of you.

He fucked you too good, you’re asleep within seconds after Touya pulls out of your pussy and he’s a little disappointed that he couldn’t draw those words out of you.

Turquoise blue eyes look down at you, so vulnerable and pretty right before him. You look perfect and so comfortable in his bed that for a few seconds he’s inconceivably happy. You’re completely unaware of the power you have over him, how easily you could kill him without even trying. He’ll break if you leave him and he’ll break you if you try to leave him.

Don’t leave me.

You stay curled up in the bed and snuggled into his pillow even though you have your own on your side of the bed. A few minutes have passed and Touya thinks it’s safe to say it again, confess his heart into the silence of the room and while you’re unconscious to avoid being vulnerable; he’s just not ready yet. It would make his life so much easier if you said it first out loud but he also thinks that it would make you really happy if he were to say it first.

He knows you’ll be happy once the words are put out there, whether he says it first or you do.

Until then, he says it quietly and in the safety of his room while you rest peacefully.

“I love you.”

[altheterrible]

Ugh how do you recover from burnout when gas is $5/gallon and corporations are destroying the economy? When you're chronically ill, disabled, and always in pain your doctor won't do anything to fix? When you're chronically fatigued from your disabilities but still forced to spend 40 hours a week working a physically demanding, emotionally unfulfilling, low paying job with no ability to get anything better? When you're fighting with complex trauma you don't have the bandwidth to fix because so many other things are eating it up? How can I recover from burnout when I'm putting everything I have into keeping my head above water in this terrible world?

I'm miserable. I experience no joy in my life. I feel nothing. And it's not because of some magical chemical imbalance in my brain. It's because my life is objectively terrible. I have no money, I'm stressed about bills, I'm stressed about inflation, I'm stressed about rent. I'm in the process of declaring bankruptcy so it'll be 7 years before I can even rent my own apartment, let alone think about home ownership. I have multiple chronic illnesses including one that will almost certainly kill me. I have poorly controlled chronic pain that makes it hard to focus on anything except how much it hurts. I work in retail, where both customers and management treat me like expendable garbage, for which privilege I am paid $14/hr and taxed at 25%--and I have no energy left at the end of the day for anything I might find enjoyable. I never see my sister, I don't have the time or energy to hang out with friends, and most of the people I do interact with on a daily basis make it abundantly clear that my feelings aren't a priority for them.

So at the end of every day, I feel like I can't do it again, can't wake up and face another day like today. The idea of having to keep living every day while I feel so totally hollow and dead inside terrifies me. Looking ahead and seeing another day like this, over and over again forever, makes me want to die. I want to kill myself. I think about ways to do it. The only thing stopping me is funeral costs. I'm saving money so my sister can afford to have me cremated. Only $650 to go. With my wages, I'll have enough in roughly 80 years.

I can't deal with the misery. I've been self harming again, it's the only thing that takes the edge off how bad I feel. I thought I was past this, but really, why should I even bother trying not to cut when it's the only thing that helps? It's not like anything else is helping. And like, it doesn't matter at all that I've started again. To anyone. No one else cares, so why should I? That's the funny thing. Self harm is allegedly this serious mental health emergency, because it's such a dangerous coping mechanism--especially the way I do it, I routinely cut deeply enough to warrant stitches, though I haven't been getting them bc I can't afford to take the time off work to go to the psych ward for a week. Lol.

So yeah, self harm is supposed to be this serious sign that someone is suffering and needs help and people who are hurting themselves are usually offered support so they don't feel so overwhelmed that they resort to self harm.

Except when it's me cutting myself. Then no one gives a shit. Sam and John pretend they don't see it. My friends brush me off. Fuck, I told my therapist I was cutting again and she was like "you say you feel like it doesn't matter that you're cutting yourself, but it matters to me" but then she didn't like, do anything about it. She didn't ask why I was doing it, didn't talk about it further, and didn't provide me any kind of support so I didn't feel like I needed to keep cutting myself. So I'm going to keep doing what's helping. At least then I can get through the day.

Meds aren't the answer. I've tried meds. So many meds, and combinations of meds. Right now I'm on Adderall, Cymbalta, Latuda, and Seroquel. I still want to die. I still feel hollow and dead inside. I'm still dragging myself through every day and counting down the time until I can be asleep again. What's the answer? More antipsychotics? I'm already so exhausted I can barely function. More antidepressants? Tricyclics or MAOIs maybe, it's not like those have horrific side effects lol. Lithium? Anti seizure meds? Benzodiazepines?

The problem is that medication can't fix the fact the world is a garbage fire and I'm being burned alive in it. There is no medication that will fix capitalism. Psych medication won't make the customers at work treat me better, it won't increase my pay, it won't make my doctor listen to me about my pain. Psych medication won't help me find joy in the world because the world is a shit place.

I think the answer to the questions in my first paragraph is pretty clear: you don't recover from burnout under those circumstances. The circumstances have to change.

Something has to give, though, and I think it's going to be me.