#i tend to forget about hers for some reason and i have no clue why bc that event is still like easily a top five fav maybe even 1

[prettybbychim]

is the butterfly theme for skins a thing for a reason or

[sneakyboymerlin]

If no merwaine, then why…

Transcript and analysis below ⬇️

Transcription:

Gwaine: Thanks for everything that you did for Eira.

Merlin: There’s no need to thank me, it was the least I could do. And you seem to care for her.

Gwaine: I could hardly leave her for the Saxons, now, could I?

Merlin: [teasing] Was that your only reason for rescuing her?

Gwaine: [lying] Of course.

[Saxons attack. Gwaine fights them off, but one knocks Merlin to the ground. He curls up and shields his face, completely helpless.]

Merlin: [screaming] Gwaine!

[Gwaine turns his back on the man he’s fighting and saves Merlin. He finishes off the last Saxon without even looking, eyes still on Merlin. He helps Merlin off the ground.]

Gwaine: Are you okay?

Merlin: Yeah, I- I think so. Thank you.

Gwaine: There’s no need to thank me, Merlin. It was the least I could do.

aaaaaaand END SCENE!

To start off with, we have a self-aware parallel in Merlin and Gwaine’s dialogue. We’re going to be examining the subtext of this conversation.

Subtext is simply what can be inferred without direct statement or revelation. It is not, as fandom is wont to believe, inserting any meaning you want between the lines: it is a cohesive message expressed by indirect means. Here’s an example:

A student goes to turn in his paper. After looking through two pages, his teacher asks, “Are you sure you want to turn this in?” The subtext of this question is the intended clue to the student that the paper is not ready yet to be turned in and he should edit through it again.

Moving forward… The repetition of, “There’s no need to thank me, it was the least I could do,” is a deliberate allusion to a core theme of Merlin and Gwaine’s relationship through the years: helping another soul—soon to be friend—in need, with no expectation of a reward.

The subtextual reading of this parallel, of course, is that Merlin does not owe Gwaine, and vice versa, because that is not why they help each other. They do it because they care about one another. As a result, they’ve both helped each other innumerably. Gwaine alludes to the help Merlin’s given him as a way of saying that there is no need to return the favor, because 1) he didn’t do it expecting a favor in exchange, and 2) Merlin has more than repaid the favor already.

Another instance where we see this kind of exchange between them is in this deleted scene from 4x07 The Secret Sharer (scene 47 at 15:10).

Transcript:

Gwaine: We’ll find him.

Merlin: I won’t forget this.

Gwaine: I haven’t done anything.

Merlin: One day I’ll repay the favor.

Gwaine: Considering the trouble I get into, that may prove to be a rash promise.

[Gwaine offers Merlin some food]

Merlin: I’m full.

Another deleted scene (they really did just delete every meaningful Gwaine scene in s4 huh) which we have only a script for (though it’s possible it was recorded and the audio edited out) is when Gwaine and Arthur ride out to find Merlin in 4x06 after he’s been captured by bandits. Although this scene did not make the final cut, it is referenced again when Gwaine calls Merlin “Bog Man,” so it clearly has a place amidst the canon material.

(Find the transcription here.)

I think it speaks for itself here, but, “And finding him will be reward enough?” truly captures the selfless devotion that Gwaine feels for Merlin.

Fandom generally accepts the idea that Gwaine would do anything for Merlin, but that Merlin never seems to do the same in return. However, this is likely a misconception of what counts towards a returned favor. Merlin is a physician, not a warrior. Or, as Morgana puts it, “a lover” (not a fighter). We cannot expect Merlin to help Gwaine in the same area of expertise that Gwaine helps him in. He applies himself in other ways.

When they meet in 3x04, Gwaine offers Merlin and Arthur aid in a tavern brawl where they’re clearly outnumbered. Gwaine is injured when his opponent pulls out a knife in a fistfight, and Merlin rushes to tend to his wound. Already, a favor is given and returned between the two.

And, while Gwaine does intend to help both Merlin and Arthur, not to mention the tavern employees, he takes a special interest in Merlin. Merlin is the only one who Gwaine takes the time to introduce himself to mid-fight, even as Merlin shouts for him to watch out as he is being actively attacked. And then, of course, Gwaine does fall to an attack. Merlin treats his injuries both on the spot and back in his own chambers.

One could argue that the introduction of Gwaine to Eira follows a similar format, with Gwaine coming to her rescue, only for her to save him when their attacker knocks him to the ground. Perhaps Gwaine even takes on Merlin’s role as caretaker from 3x04 when he brings Merlin in to treat Eira in 5x12, as opposed to receiving the treatment himself. Then again, it might be more similar to the scene in 4x07 where Gwaine jumps in to battle against Alator’s guard. Like Eira, Merlin also rescues Gwaine when he’s knocked to the ground (though Gwaine doesn’t know it).

As we can see, though, Merlin is not lying when he tells Gwaine, “I’d do the same for you,” in 3x08, nor when he tells Gwaine, “One day I’ll repay the favor,” in the deleted scene from 4x07. Merlin and Gwaine have different services to offer, but they offer to help all the same.

The next portion of the aforementioned 5x12 scene on our to-dissect list is the actual subject matter of the conversation, followed by a visual representation of the very same act.

After Gwaine thanks Merlin for helping Eira, Merlin mentions that Gwaine “seem[s] to care for her.” Gwaine, in an effort to avoid the sexual and romantic implications, diverts to the chivalrous explanation: “I could hardly leave her to the Saxons, now, could I?” Merlin teases him with no relent, though, and asks, “Was that your only reason for rescuing her?” Gwaine responds with a curt, “Of course.”

The subtext of this conversation is that Gwaine’s hurried involvement to protect/take care of Eira stems from a crush on her. This is true, as there were many enemies around, but Gwaine chose the one attacking the pretty “damsel in distress” to fight. He then takes one long look at her and decides to forgo the battle to take her to safety.

Merlin can’t help but notice Gwaine’s feelings for her. She is, after all, staying in his bed even after her wound has been treated, so there is a connection between them… much like Gwaine stayed with Merlin for the remainder of 3x04 until he had no choice but to fulfill the demands of his banishment. This is especially interesting, since the wound that Merlin treats Eira for is on her leg, which is the same spot where Gwaine was stabbed when they first met. Merlin similarly wrapped his wound at the time.

But the main point is the fact that Gwaine rescued Eira from the Saxons with a single-minded fervency, in part because he was attracted to her, and then quickly grew attached.

Gwaine then proceeds to rescue Merlin from Saxons a matter of seconds after this is established.

Allow me to remind you of Gwaine’s sudden change of course in saving Eira.

Now compare this to his rescue of Merlin.

Let’s take a closer look at their dialogue:

Merlin: You seem to care for her.

Gwaine: I could hardly leave her for the Saxons, now, could I?

Merlin: [teasing] Was that your only reason for rescuing her?

Gwaine: [lying] Of course.

When applied to Gwaine’s rescue of Merlin, the conversation about Gwaine rescuing Eira takes on a more powerful meaning. After all, Eira is a virtual stranger who ends up being the traitor in the court. Gwaine sends her to her execution on Merlin’s word (via Gaius as the messenger), whereas Merlin is someone Gwaine has known for nearly a decade. There is a consistent history of Gwaine acting as Merlin’s body guard, which is being enacted again now as Gwaine escorts Merlin through the Valley of the Fallen Kings.

This is also one of the last ever scenes between Merlin and Gwaine. In truth, we are being shown a brief summary of their relationship as it comes to its narrative end—one last hurrah, if you will. And what they choose to show us is Gwaine protecting Merlin in an act of unconditional love.

Eira, like any character, is a plot device. Her interference leads to Merlin being trapped in the Crystal Cave, and Gwaine being tortured for information on Merlin and Arthur’s location. However, her presence as a person Gwaine wants to protect is meant to evoke the memory of every time Gwaine has protected Merlin. The chosen method to imply this was by creating a parallel between Gwaine’s protectiveness over the woman he’s currently sleeping with to his protectiveness over Merlin. Take that as you will.

[tabithatwo]

HONEST QUESTION by why do u think no one (until shauna did at their fight) ever called jackie out on being oblivious to other people’s feelings? Like we all know jackie is never mean on-purpose nor does she ever want to cause any harm but there are times where she has no idea that she is indeed doing so.. or is somehow influencing that.. And its like why has no one else ever tried voicing this out to her? BC we can clearly see she would’ve done something to change her behavior if it was pointed out. I just dont get why no one tried to other than the fact that it was probably just pretty privilege or people just being too scared to say so

WELL okay this question really got me thinking lmao my answer is sort of twofold so walk with me here…I don’t fully think jackie IS oblivious to other peoples feelings and I don’t think people have any issues calling her out when she misreads tone. The people who do tend to snap at the others when they say stuff that annoys them—off the top of my head shauna (obviously lol), tai, nat, mari, and van—all do at jackie at some point.

I think in canon, with the group as a whole, jackie is actually very in tune with their emotions. She corrals them at the kegger and they genuinely react positively. I think she’s honestly extra in tune with people’s emotions, perhaps partly because has to work a little harder at things. I think that’s why she’s captain.

When I say “off” in my original post, I mean that I think people can sense the way that someone picks up on and addresses behavior (aka loading time/processing/trying to problem solve when that isn’t what’s desired/etc) more than I mean that jackie is saying shit that upsets people regularly. I think that, other than shauna, jackie doesn’t upset them much more than anyone else until later in the season when things get bleaker.

Once they’re in the woods, jackie has lost her entire social script. It’s funny to me how people say she was the enforcer of society, because really I think society has kicked her ass and she’s simply learned how to exist within it and doesn’t know how to adapt to change. This isn’t the setting she’s used to, she doesn’t know how the people she’s learned and adapted to will react to these things, because who the fuck does?? It’s now unpredictable and she’s just really lost in a compounding way. We see her actually cheer people up again when things fall back into a script that she has access to—the seance, doing mistys makeup for her, etc.

As far as shauna goes, she has NO problem letting Jackie know when she’s upset with her lol. She just gives her no clue why. Shauna doesn’t communicate her feelings with anyone really and she certainly doesn’t delve into big picture things. (There’s a tai shauna tangent here that I’ll go on one day but besides that relationship, shauna is really just closed off and expects people, especially jackie, to read her mind.) Shauna snaps or gives the cold shoulder and Jackie adjusts and readjusts, until she’s fixed it the best she can.

I think that shauna’s reaction to being called out for cheating with jeff is something that greatly colors a lot of peoples’ views on jackie, when really it says a whole fucking lot more about shauna herself. Shauna is a horribly fucking unreliable narrator. We see her get confused and forget what her own lies are when she’s fessing up to callie about adam. She was writing her own narratives and letting resentment build even before the crash. So to me, taking what shauna says during that fight at face value, over what we actually see of jackie and their relationship, is a mistake. Shauna’s backed into a corner. She’s caught out. Little miss I’m with homeland security, first panic instinct is to lie is going to make shit up. She was trying to hurt jackie. That was the goal. For a myriad of reasons—I love shauna shipman don’t get it twisted lol. (And we see jackie realize shauna is tying to hurt her. Jackie tries to hurt back for a bit and she sucks at it lol and then she slips back into shocked hurt.)

So anyway, yeah. I think shauna clearly felt overshadowed, but she just does. In general. All the time. We got to see that in 2x09 when she spells it out for us in her journal lol. So using this scene to read jackie as someone who actually does the things shauna is accusing her of feels like a big jump to me.

Shaunas feelings were real. But I don’t fucking think shauna hated soccer. I don’t think jackie ever actually pushed her into her shadow, unintentionally or not. I think that jackie couldn’t navigate shauna’s emotions in any way other than placating when she could and trying to cling to her, because she was constantly terrified that shauna would leave her. Why did jackie expect shauna to go to rutgers? Probably because that’d been their entire fucking plan and jackie had no way of knowing that shauna didn’t want that anymore. I’m gonna talk more about their fight one day when it isn’t a tangent on a different topic lol, but basically I think reading what shauna says in the fight as truth is a common and inaccurate take.

To the last point, I think prettiness definitely impacts a person’s life on like every scale and makes people overlook things they might not normally, but I don’t necessarily feel like jackie got off with no feedback basically. And I don’t think she was actually that hurtful. I’ve talked about the nat situation here and how it’s unique, but that isn’t jackie being oblivious, that’s jackie trying to get an outcome. She is clearly oblivious sometimes (when she tries to give a pep talk post insane leg breaking lol, when she tells travis about who nat has hooked up with, when she is pragmatic about things like rationing food) but really she rarely says overtly hurtful shit, even on accident. She does less so than the other girls.

So I think it all comes back to that thing that a lot of viewers do—view jackie as fake. The fact that she doesn’t really give any evidence of meanness sort of was my point. Even when there is nothing bad said, general social awkwardness can be taken as an indication of insincerity. I think this is sometimes especially true when someone is overall decent at masking, at least enough that they’re superficially seen as well liked. Because then people see a hiccup (which is really an adjustment to new input) and take it as an intentional behavioral change.

(Grain of salt, I am someone who had a keen fucking interest in being as pretty as possible at her age lol, to the degree that when I was asked how I got so good at “beauty stuff” I said “well, you can be weird if you’re hot enough!” Until I learned that was actually NOT the answer people were looking for of course lmao so I am close to the subject of performative attractiveness to skate by and I also know that it only tends to cover more superficial likability—aka homecoming queen, but you’re only got like 1-2 close friends and your teammates have no issue giving you bizarre looks when you miss the mark lol)

Thanks for the ask, clearly it got me thinking. Like a lot. Many tangents and I’m not even sure how well I addressed the questions lol but I don’t feel like going back and making it more focused so this is the ramble we get!! <3

[catchyhuh]

Building off of camping… if they were to holiday/vacation, yknow, outside of their usual “work” trips (which tend to be basically vacations anyway) how do they go about it? *Will* they holiday? Or are they dragging the others around on a madcap mission? …Where do they visit? How do they pack? What are they like at the airport?

…That’s a lot of questions. Please please feel free to pick and choose, or ignore this entirely if it doesn’t tickle your fancy, or if you’ve answered something similar already that— for some reason— I cannot remember right now!

you’re right that IS a lot!! but as you’ve noticed by now i fucking LOVE talking so i’m absolutely DELIGHTED that it’s a lot!!!

i briefly hit vacation spots they’d like a while back, but in terms of vacation PREPPING and the flights…

lupin:

lupin will call a weekend trip to some dead old thief buddy’s place he was asked to clean out a “vacation.” he loves this stuff.

packing though? eeehhh

it’s rough, because he despises packing (ironically, since he loves planning out significantly more complex things like heisting and physics for ziplines and shit) because there’s always one freakish scenario he forgot to account for JUST BECAUSE he’s traveling. he got pollen up his nose once and didn’t have any antihistamines anywhere in his luggage. anywhere. he brought stuff for nausea (which none of them even get on a BOAT, much less a plane!) he brought stuff for muscle cramps, for excessive bleeding, for swimmer’s ear, fucking everything but stuff to kill that runny nose. hell on earth

waaay too lax at the airport. way too lax. terrifyingly so. they’ll be calling out his gate, his ROW, and he’ll just casually stroll along. he always just barely manages to make it. but if the others are even one step behind him… eeeehhh…

usually whoever he’s traveling with decides to just wait by the gate like normal people do. if the plane leaves without him then thank god, right

however, traveling with lupin has one major advantage, the advantage that’s really the main reason the others will bother standing him falling asleep on them barely an hour into the flight-- sneaking stuff past tsa. don’t ask him how. he’ll get even sneakier about it if you ask how

jigen:

half-asleep the entire duration of waiting for the flight, wide awake during the seven hour process. nothing cures him of this problem, nothing. he’s doomed to live it forever

doesn’t mean he can’t pretend to be asleep so the others don’t bother him though!

window seat guy, not because he needs to see the view that bad or anything, but because he knows when he’s planting his ass down he’s not moving unless some higher power wills it. and he doesn’t want people pushing past HIS legs all day

packing for jigen is just. so simple. he only ever has like 5 suits at a time, total, his hat, shoes, all that’s ON his person as they’re leaving, really all he has to do is grab a hairbrush, cologne, and a toothbrush. he just uses goemon’s toothpaste for convenience’s sake anyway

however, he actively enjoys packing for the show it gives him. he’ll sit on the couch and watch lupin and fujiko move from room to room mumbling to themselves so they don’t forget whatever item is currently on their mind. it’s like that scene in clue where they’re all running through the rooms

none of this is just THAT serious to him! it’s just not! calm down you guys! actually, no, don’t. it’s kind of funny. look, he’s gonna forget his razor again, watch

fujiko:

fujiko packs like she intends to live on the plane. she packs like she’s anticipating crashing in the middle of the pacific on some uncharted island and having to live there for the next 15 years

and she’s a fucking tetris master with the way she packs her bags. however, this also means the cute hot pink cheetah print suitcase that she’s had since 2002 roughly weighs as much as a small palette of cinder blocks. but nobody tries to swipe her luggage because of it!

she’s never late for a flight! never ever! why try to cram in shit before the actual exciting part of getting to the destination, right? why stress over the mediocre coffee she can get on the other side of the globe, cheaper for that matter, when she can just sit and fucking relax. because for her, the vacation begins the minute she’s on the plane and secure she’s heading to her destination

which means nothing but first class. all the time. undebatable. she’s just straight up not going otherwise. you’re going to make fujiko mine sit squished between two random strangers? who don't have the decency to use earbuds?? C’MON NOW

she tends to rack up quite a bill every time the flight attendants come by with the little snack and drink carts and stuff. it would be a real problem if the name on her ticket wasn’t fake

goemon:

airport dad shit going on here to a degree no sane person would ever conceive

his line of thinking is “what if the plane is early” and despite the numerous explanations of “then they just wait” he seems CONVINCED they’ll be ready to leave without him

he also seems to be the only one with full awareness that they are. internationally wanted criminals. hacking the no-fly list to get through is one thing, but are the others not concerned about being recognized as, again, internationally wanted criminals??

packing for goemon is even SIMPLER than jigen. but there’s a certain stressor that comes with it. that’s a lot of metal to deal with at security. why am i even typing all this they already animated it

so, physically, the easiest packing job! emotionally, pretty damn taxing. he thinks lupin’s just lying when he says he just “can’t find a good way to hide it.” he knows the fucker is giggling watching him stand there silently sweating waiting for his ONE OF A KIND, HIGHLY VALUABLE, BORDERLINE MAGIC SWORD

but yeah otherwise he’s chill with vacations :) he doesn’t exactly go out of his way to plan them but yeah he’ll follow along :)

zenigata:

you already know he’s fighting the idea of a vacation, i already know he’s fighting the idea of a vacation, but we’re forcing him to go on one so we can study the scientific results

if we’re making him vacation with like. yata. or by some miracle the gang he is unfortunately the one who ends up carrying half the shit. not a big deal with yata! not a big deal with “sorry sir, my arm’s just asleep from the plane ride, could you hold my bag for a minute?” vs “well since you’re already standing by the little suitcase conveyor belt it wouldn’t KILL you to grab my little suitcase, right, pops? and maybe fujiko’s. you know how she gets. and maybe jigen’s. not goemon’s though he gets picky about that,”

cannot sit through a flight without passing the hell out. yet another point backed up in canon. somebody has to wake him up or he just won’t even get off the plane

he gets progressively more and more peeved with each minor instance with tsa and when the others give him a wary look he’s standing there, arms crossed like no no. they’re doing their job. and then the agent finds yet another pair of handcuffs and just throws them out and zenigata clenches his hands a bit tighter

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

I don't know anything about Taylor Swift. What do you think compels people to believe the 'Gaylor' theory? Is it like McLennon? Do her fans analyze her in a similar way they do with The Beatles?

Honestly, I think it's much more song-based with her (like I said, forbidden love/hidden love/anxiety over love are very frequent themes she explores in her music). People generally think she's constantly actively planting clues and communicating with her fans who are "in the know". They also think that her publicized relationships "seem fake" for various reasons, even when they aren't all that similar to each other.

I don't think it's all that similar on the surface, because I don't think many McLennon-believers think Paul or John intentionally revealed themselves to the world. We also don't have nearly as much insight into Taylor's private life as we do with the Beatles, I'd say (though, people do tend to forget how little we know about them, as well). Over all, I think McLennon is a lot more based on interpreting John and Paul's relationship and why they did certain things to/with each other, whereas with Taylor it's all treated as performance art intended for fans to pick up on. Even when it's about her and her alleged girlfriends it's all via their social media posts or what have you, not actually private moments. The fact Taylor has actively encouraged fans to search for easter eggs in her work (though they aren't that deep – usually they're just references to lyrics) and also has identified herself as a markedly diaristic writer has somewhat led to certain fans taking speculation to a somewhat conspirational level (and it's not just gaylors who do this. also the fans who think she has a secret album she never put out, she's secretly still with some boyfriend she broke up with, etc.) I think the theory is extremely popular now because she's extremely popular now. It's strange to me that I remember when it was just a few tumblr blogs.

All that being said, you see very similar black-and-white thinking and over-centering of one idea in both of these theories. Most things that can in some way be related back to the theory get connected to it and then immediately accepted as fact, even when there's other factors at play, even when a source may not be reliable.

"No straight explanation for this" is a phrase you'll find in both fandoms (which I find extremely funny, because I can guarantee you that queer fans of BOTH of these artists will generalize the fans of the other as straight, or call it "straight people music". [it's intensely uncomfortable for me, as a gay fan of both of them])

So in a way they're quite different, but in many ways they're the same.

[fascinatedhelix]

Those headcanons I promised:

Audrey:

She was always borderline cartoonishly flexible, she just thought she was double-jointed. She never saw a doctor about it - she’s probably like Steven Universe in that she’s probably never been to a doctor before - she just heard that being abnormally flexible means you must be double-jointed and she never questioned it until she learned she was an ink creature.

Audrey definitely didn’t age like a normal human child, if we’re to think that she hadn’t been around when Henry’s soul was basically photocopied into the Machine in 1963, despite her being a young adult in 1973. I’m thinking of a situation akin to that of Studio Ghibli’s The Tale of Princess Kaguya, where she kind of just grew up in fits and bursts in response to emotional highs. It would certainly correspond well to the alarm clock memory, which places a great deal of importance on time on Joey and Audrey’s parent-child relationship; not only was Joey reaching the end of his life, but Audrey was growing up at an abnormally fast rate.

Again, she wasn’t even aware of how abnormal her entire childhood was until Joey clarified that she wasn’t human.

She was likely homeschooled up until high school, when she stopped growing quite so rapidly, and her “choice to forget” happened when she went off to art college in 1967 or 1968. Joey died when she was just about to graduate.

Audrey, outside of the Cycle, tends to be a bit timid and awkward due to her relatively isolated childhood, and hasn’t the foggiest clue how to deal with actual children. She likes them, but she doesn’t really know what to do with them.

She got into a lot of shit during her college years, given how she was an art student during the whole Flower Power movement. She’s still got hippie clothes in her closet, even if she doesn’t wear them on the job for obvious reasons. She has definitely tried out some drugs; whether or not they worked on her given she’s made of ink is kind of a mystery.

Wilson

He’s actually somewhere in his 50s, but looks and sounds a lot older due to a number of health issues.

On the normal side of things, he was born in the 1920s, back before the health effects of smoking were well understood. Both his parents smoked like chimneys around him as a kid, and he picked up the habit in his young adult years as well.

When he was a young adult, he had one hell of an ego; coming from a ludicrously wealthy and very well liked family, young Nathan Jr had all the classic styling of a spoiled rich kid just looking to get into trouble.

One night he decided to try and show off to some of his peers by engaging in a little old fashioned street racing in the expensive new car his dad got him, and wound up causing a deadly car accident as a result. Not only did this accident result in permanent injuries to his face and chest, losing him his looks and one eye in the process, but it also killed several innocent bystanders.

This incident didn’t just have a majorly negative impact on his health, but it utterly trashed his public reputation and his relationships with his family and peers. Nathan Arch Sr had to make a public statement, his mother was shunned from her usual social groups for a while, and people began to really hate Junior for his arrogance and lack of accountability. He was never quite removed from his parents’ inheritance, but he was slowly phased out of their public image in the hopes of saving face. Perhaps most offensive to Nathan Jr’s sensibilities was how his father had explicitly disinherited him from future ownership of Archgate Films, the company Nathan Jr himself had proposed the idea of starting in the first place. Hence why Wilson drifts in and out of the studio under a pseudonym.

He’s also now got a speeding vehicle phobia; if the man does drive himself places, he insists on going, like, ten below the speed limit.

The Ink Demon/Bendy

Due to most of his experiences with physical contact involving him either getting attacked or tortured or him doing the same to others, he tends to interpret his own feelings of loneliness through a lens of bloodthirst. As in, he tends to think along the lines of “Oh, I don’t need a hug, I just need to kill something!” It doesn’t really help.

Similarly, he tends to be rather skittish towards most forms of physical affection, especially the kind that involve some sense of restricting movement (big example: hugs).

If he does experience romantic or sexual attraction, he’d only do so after having established that person in his mind as... well, a person, rather than a threat or a prey item. They’d have to be demonstrably intelligent, rather than yet another lunatic wandering aimlessly about the studio, they’d have to be strong and/or smart enough to challenge him, and they’d have to demonstrate compassion towards him, even if they knew who he was.

Sammy was kind of like a toxic parent to Bendy back in the early days, given that Sammy was the only person really paying him anything close to “positive” attention way back when. It was Sammy’s influence that gave the Ink Demon his sort of need to play the part of a dark overlord over the Cycle, as well as getting him far too accustomed to killing and eating people at a tender mental age (he was like a feral toddler in DCTL). Hence why the Ink Demon does not like Sammy; even if he doesn’t totally recognize Sammy as the cause for a lot of his personal problems, he does see Sammy as overbearing and generally unpleasant to be around (especially since I don’t think Bendy can actually control how others turn out from the ink, so Sammy’s pleas are to someone who’s as helpless as he is).

Here’s kinda how I think the Dark Puddles work: it’s kind of its own entity, with its own mysterious motivations beyond the Ink Demon’s scope of influence. A mysterious magical benefactor that may or may not predate the Ink Machine itself. Whatever the case, the Dark Puddles seem most interested in keeping the Cycle flowing, like the circulation of blood through a beating heart. But, of course, fresh blood has to be added to keep things going smoothly, and the Dark Puddles bestow gifts to those who offer it something new, whether it’s having enough sanity to try something different each rotation or being able to bring in external influences. However, it doesn’t like Wilson, because he is not there to replenish the Cycle, but to stop it completely and turn it into something it isn’t; he intends on usurping the Dark Puddles for his own pride, rather than creating something great for the sake of it.

[amelikos]

Some character notes and episode notes for HZ054, writing them down for future reference.

The episode starts with Friede reading over books and notes as he is looking for clues on Terapagos. Orio joins him and offers him something to drink and they get to talk about their progress in their respective duties. Friede asks Orio how the ship is coming along and she is halfway done. He is impressed by her (and compliments her, calling her a genius!), and she adds that she is thinking of improving the ship on some aspects. Friede leaves the Brave Asagi to her as he gets ready to go some place to investigate some more. (Very good domestic scene between the two of them btw, I like the quiet moments between them, their complicity and complete trust shining through in everything they say. Lots of affection and respect between them too, which I like.)

Afterwards, we get to see Liko and the others as they are going to Orange Academy. Dot is too tired to keep up with Liko and Roy's energy (she is still not used to walking that much). On their way, Ann shows up and meets up with Liko. She passed her basics test and gets to see Liko's Mibrim evolved. The group decides to take a break to catch up and give Dot an opportunity to rest too. Ann gets to meet Terapagos for the first time and Liko explains that this Pokemon was her pendant. Ann thinks they both look great together and also feels like Liko grew more confident since the beginning, after Liko told her that she plans to take Terapagos to where he wants to go. Ann gets fired up and while she has a longing for the kind of adventure Liko and the others are having, she still offers her friendship to both Roy and Dot (Roy quickly accepts and high fives her, the two of them seem similar in terms or energy and personalities which would explain why Liko gets along so well with both of them... Dot is more reserved because she isn't used to other people that much, I think, and I wonder if part of her felt a bit out of place seeing her close friends get along so well with someone else?).

While they are taking their break, Liko gets a call from Friede. He wants to confirm something with her and Roy. He asks if they remember seeing a pink haze when Terapagos resonated with Galar Fire and Lapras. Roy doesn't really remember, but Liko does and brings up that the same thing happened with Oliva (liked the differences between the two of them, Roy tends to forget about things like that but Liko has a photographic memory and she is also an artist so I think she pays close attention to things like these). Friede tells Liko and Roy that this is a clue to solving the mystery of Terapagos and Rakua. He wishes them good luck for their course before hanging up. While Liko thinks about what she can do and how she wants to master Terastal, she almost gets hit by Futachimaru's shell, though Terapagos is quick to catch it and protect her.

Afterwards, Friede heads to Exceed. He formally apologizes to the director (Crave) for leaving the company so suddenly and for his own selfish reasons, especially after the latter was interested in his thesis and work. Crave doesn't blame Friede and he is happy to see him doing well. He knew that Friede wasn't the type to stay stuck in a lab and just wants to know if Friede is keeping up with his research. Friede confirms that he is, and that he is satisfied with the life he is leading now (pursuing the mysteries of Pokemon with his friends). He introduces Cap to Crave too, and Crave thinks a Pokemon reveals a lot about their trainer. Similarly to Friede, Crave has kept up research to improve the lives of both humans and Pokemon (his aspirations are the same as Friede's, even if their paths are different now). Crave assumes Friede must have come for a specific reason, and Friede asks him about the "eternal blessing". He was on the research team for a short while, but quit before knowing more. Crave tells him he doesn't know much about it either and that it was managed by an external research team, and that he couldn't do much about it as a director either. He gives Friede his old ID card to help him even a little and tells him it's still working. Friede thanks him for his help and leaves with Cap (Cap's hat all clean after Crave's Chillacino took care of it).

At the lab area, Friede meets up with an old colleague of him (Yanga, who calls Friede "senpai" btw), who was surprised to see him back since Friede left without saying anything (Friede breaks people's hearts left and right, terrible of him). Yanga meets Cap for the first time and calls him cute (triggering Cap's allergy, and he starts sneezing). Yanga agrees to help Friede look into the company's archives for information about the Eternal Blessing, but even though he was initially able to show him a few pictures of the research (Friede was embarassed seeing a picture of himself btw, very cute), he suddenly finds himself unable to look into the database further. Friede senses that something is fishy and decides to check the underground vault where the Eternal Blessing is kept. (Spinel is the culprit btw, he is at Exceed as well and quickly reacted to their conversation and prevented Friede from having the full research data by blocking Yanga)

As Friede heads to the vault, Cap lights up the way with his electricity (reminiscent of Spinel's Blacky and the way she lit up the room they were in back in HZ044). Friede finds himself confronted with Pokemon, so Cap takes care of them and continue forward. As they reach the study room, Cap breaks the security camera which triggers an alarm (Cap thought it was a good idea at first, but it wasn't). Friede goes into the room ahead and looks around. He eventually finds an empty case labelled as the Eternal Blessing, also referred to as "Rakurium". He eventually leaves and runs away from guards and their Pokemon in the process (Friede and Cap are the coolest). No one notices Spinel hiding in a corner and smiling to himself (he is the one who stole the Rakurium) (combo of Spinel in a ponytail and labcoat and glasses was very good, thank you Horizons). Outside the building, Friede wonders who took the Rakurium and why it was so heavily guarded. Friede and Cap don't notice Spinel's Orbem spying on them.

Afterwards, Liko and the others are continuing their journey to Orange Academy. She talks with Ann, and Ann admits she was nervous about coming to Paldea alone (similar to how Liko felt nervous about going to a school in Kanto back in chapter 1). They both reflect on their relationships with their Pokemon, and Ann feels like her Pokemon could take her anywhere. Liko thinks about these words, and she wonders if Terapagos is the one trying to take her to Rakua, instead of the opposite. Taking Terapagos in her arms, Liko runs to Orange Academy with her friends. (Very nice interactions between Liko and Ann tbh, I like the friendly rivalry between them and how Ann brings a kind of outside perspective, which is more grounded, to Liko's adventure.)

The last scene shows Amethio, Hamber and Gibeon. Hamber brings Amethio to an odd place to meet Gibeon in person (we get to see Gibeon's full face reveal, he looks hot). Gibeon hasn't seen Amethio in a while and he wants to hear his resolve. Gibeon's goal is to obtain more Rakurium to ensure their prosperity (is it something he says as a facade, or are these his true feelings and goal?). He is waiting for Terapagos's true awakening to achieve that, and tells Amethio to seize Terapagos once it happens. Gibeon tells Amethio to fulfill his duty as the heir of his blood. Amethio feels honored of being Gibeon's grandson, and swears to be of help to him. As they leave, Hamber praises Amethio on his performance and assures him that Gibeon must be glad as well. Amethio affirms that he is nothing like his father and that he'll take up his grandfather's will. He then tells Soublades that he'll seek further power to accomplish his mission, so he asks him if he'll accompany him. Then, Amethio receives a call from Zir and Conia who were tasked to monitor Spinel. They give their report to him and Amethio instructs them not to chase him too far and thanks them for their job. Amethio knew Spinel was up to something and resolves to do better this time.

Anyway, very good ep. I could tell that this was written by the script coordinator of the series given all the callbacks to past eps (mentions of the first episode with Liko and Ann, ep 12 with Oliva, ep 18 with Friede's past, ep 23 with Galar Fire, ep 32 with Lapras, ep 35 with Cap's allergy etc...). Horizons really feels like a series that rewards you for actually thinking about it and noticing all the details piling up etc... It feels like it's gently leading you somewhere and I like it.

I also loved Friede's scenes. Kureha Matsuzawa's writing of Friede is very enjoyable because some specific themes cannot really be brought up with the younger characters like Liko and the others. There is a different kind of writing with characters like Friede. I also liked that the people closest to Friede at Exceed didn't blame him for leaving. Crave understood and was just happy to see him doing well. Friede's kohai missed him but was immediately willing to help Friede if he needed it. I think it speaks a lot to the kind of person Friede is. People remember him in good ways and they love him, he naturally attracts others... (very understandable, I love him too and he has that charm about him that just gets to everyone)

Amethio's scene with Gibeon was unsettling too btw. Amethio genuinely seems like he believes he is doing something noble and good for his grandfather. I do like it when characters like him genuinely believe in their "side" (it's like "what even needs to happen for their loyalty to be shaken?"). He is in deep in terms of loyalty for his grandfather, and it's interesting. So into it that he seemingly rejects his father and vows to be different by taking up his grandfather's will and wants to be useful. What happened in their family? Did Amethio's father reject Gibeon? I wonder. And I'm pleased by the addition of a third party in Amethio's deal with Gibeon, as it makes the situation more complex and compelling because it means Amethio's relationship with another relative will eventually be explored. I also wonder if Gibeon is being truthful to Amethio when he says he needs the Rakurium for "eminent prosperity". What is his real motive (I hope it's not boring and that it's something more personal that has to do with his feelings for Lucius.. though we'll see).

A few things to note about Amethio's scenes: Amethio used "watashi" when he talked to Gibeon (when he said "I am proud of being your grandson"). Very interesting since usually, Amethio uses "ore" when he talks, but he switches to more formal/respectful/polite speech when he talks to Gibeon. Gibeon is the only one Amethio uses respectful speech with. He switched back to using "ore" and to casual/familiar speech when him and Hamber left the scene.

Also, I liked the scene when Amethio asks Soublades if he is willing to accompany him. Good show of their bond. Amethio doesn't demand anything from Soublades and asked a question to him (it was "are you willing to accompany me?" and not "follow me"). Amethio and Soublades are both standing by each other's side willingly and as equals. I think what Crave said about a Pokemon revealing a lot about their trainer also applies to Amethio and Soublades. (And what Crave said will also be relevant to other characters imo)

Something else I also like is the different dynamics there are going on and things that are set up. Friede has a rivalry with Amethio. He is also getting closer to Spinel, since Spinel is spying on him specifically. Amethio is also going after Spinel and uses his spying tactics against him (though Spinel probably knew Zir and Conia were following him but doesn't deem them a threat?). There's a lot going with these three characters in this episode. I wonder if we'll get a confrontation between Amethio and Spinel eventually (or maybe another one with Friede and Spinel).

And as a last thing, Yanga (Friede's kohai) was voiced by Yuga, protagonist of YGO Sevens. Which is fun, because Friede's VA voices Luke in the same anime.

[acourtofthought]

Hey! Good?

I didn't know that sjm had said something about rejecting partnerships or that she would like to work with rejected bond. that is true?

I ask because my language is Portuguese (Brazil) and I don't understand when there are several people distorting things.

I ask you because I follow you and I know how much you like to bring facts and not reader speculation. good week!

Hello there!!

SJM never said she'd like to write about a rejected Mating Bond in any of her interviews (unless I somehow missed it). Fans of E/riel like to refer to this scene in ACOWAR as proof that Elucien will reject their bond:

“Azriel knows you’re watching,” Rhys drawled

“Why not make them mates?” I mused. “Why Lucien?”

“What decides it? Who decides it?”

“You said your mother and father were wrong for each other; Tamlin said his own parents were wrong for each other.” I peeled off my dressing robe. “So it can’t be a perfect system of matching. What if”—I jerked my chin toward the window, to my sister and the shadowsinger in the garden— “that is what she needs? Is there no free will? What if Lucien wishes the union but she doesn’t?”

“A mating bond can be rejected,” Rhys said mildly, eyes flickering in the mirror as he drank in every inch of bare skin I had on display. “There is choice. And sometimes, yes—the bond picks poorly. Sometimes, the bond is nothing more than some … preordained guesswork at who will provide the strongest offspring. At its basest level, it’s perhaps only that. Some natural function, not an indication of true, paired souls.” A smile at me—at the rareness, perhaps, of what we had.

But truly, SJM is not the kind of writer to say something that specific about two characters and have it end up happening exactly as she said it would. SJM might give major clues but they don't usually end up being a word for word scenario which is what Elain rejecting the bond with Lucien in order to be with Azriel would be. And E/riels tend to forget:

“Even so,” Rhys went on, “there will always be a … tug

There is no HEA for Elain, Lucien or Az if Elain and Lucien reject their bond because no matter who they end up with, they'll always share a connection with one another and that's too messy when you're trying to be with someone outside the bond (especially for her main characters who will always be a part of one another's lives. Lucien isn't just going away even if Elain rejects the bond, he still has relationships with Feyre and Rhys. So Az will always be destined to see Elain's actual Mate while he tries to have a relationship with her and she'll always feel a draw to Lucien even while trying to have a relationship with someone else.

The only way I can see SJM spinning what Rhys and Feyre were talking about is if we've already seen a rejected bond (the LOA and Helion, hence the reason he's still pining for her) or Mor and Eris (if they turn out to be Mates). As Mor prefers woman, Eris would be understanding that her rejecting the bond has nothing to do with him, making it easier to handle.

Back to interviews, the only thing SJM has ever said is how she loves JR Ward, a Fated Mates author who has over 20 books of Fated Mate couples. So it's really too bad for anyone who thinks SJMs Mate count is too high considering she fangirls over an author who has double her number.

Thank you for your ask and I hope you have a wonderful day / evening!

[raayllum]

One thing I love about TDP is that while it can be genre subversive (i.e. Ezran going home at the end of S2 for example) it doesn’t break its own narrative promises / set up and payoff. 

For example: despite Soren being more of an outward dick in S1 (step-prince, dumb jock, etc) and Claudia being relatively much nicer (Callum’s crush on her, hasn’t done anything as bad as Soren yet on an emotional level), the show makes it pretty clear that their moralities are very skewed in a few key ways. Moments after Claudia sent smoke wolves after the boys, Soren is saving Callum’s life. 

Soren intends to kill Runaan (upon the assassin’s own request), while Claudia believes that it’s worth keeping Runaan alive for “more practical uses.” She also doesn’t see anything wrong with the switching spell and thought of it herself, while even Viren can at least understand some of Harrow’s reservations. Soren is ultimately always a crownguard and Claudia is decidedly a dark mage. These are some of the reasons why I always figured that if either of them did break away from their father, Soren would be the one while Claudia would spiral further, and I know S2 cemented this for a lot of us going into S3. 

Which is to say: the show isn’t interested in yanking the rug out from under our feet to subvert expectations. If something is repeatedly alluded to in a negative light, it will follow through on it (even if it may reveal more depth later). Even things where we are purposefully misled are very brief and the clues are obvious (i.e. Ava’s moonstone collar, but we didn’t know moon magic was primarily about illusions until then) in retrospect. A perfect example of this is when Claudia kills the deer in 2x09; although it’s an act that is far easier to swallow and understand, it’s still very symptomatic of what sorts of mindsets will continually be her undoing in S3 and S4. 

Which is to say anyone that knows me knows I adore the Game Motif in the show, largely surrounding the Key of Aaravos in S1-S3 and then extended more explicitly to Aaravos himself in S4.

The Key is immediately connected to Callum’s arc as a mage and a sense of compulsion, but also as something that stirs up trouble. He gets them to go to the Banther Lodge for it believing it will be safe, but it’s too late to back out when humans like Amaya show up. Callum forgets about the cube entirely, surprised that Rayla has it by the end of the episode, and cites that “We should’ve never come here.” Moreover, the cube often foreshadows things that will cause problems for the group: the giant fish that makes the Ocean rune glow almost eats them; the Moon rune glowing as they walk up the Caldera and Callum’s notice of it foreshadows that Lujanne will not be the miracle healer they hope for. 

The one big exception in terms of the cube being legitimately, plot relevantly useful is in 3x08 when it helps Callum realize his necklace from Rayla is a moon opal, and thus can be used to help find the truth of what happened to her family (and hopefully mean she won’t think she has to, y’know, die and stuff). 

More than four seasons later, we see his attitude toward it has soured again.

And it would be one thing if it was just foreshadowing from the other characters (which, Rayla and Soren tend to foreshadow the most, mouthpiece wise, I think) or in Callum’s mind

But we also have 2x08 called The Book of Destiny in which Callum’s tormented by the dark magic cube (as opposed to Claudia’s literal book) and his father in chains, asking for him to reject the very gift Harrow gave him just two episodes ago, muddling the Key’s few positive associations further. Rayla calls it a glow toy in 1x05 and we see from the 4x04 intro that’s precisely what it is. And even more than that, the 4x04 intro that exists within the story’s narrative but outside the main cast’s conception of events.

If the cube had no negative affect in store for Callum, it would not be here in the intro because it doesn’t need to be. It’s here for sorely symbolic / foreshadowing purposes, like the way a book cover operates. It’s a direct clue to the audience, and the audience online, that more than the Key is a piece of Aaravos’ games, and that the two are intrinsically linked: a loaded die, a smoking gun. A game that Callum already unknowingly lost - a long time ago. 

[cityandking]

7, 15, 48, and 62 for Dai, Minah, and Rue

thanks! // get to know my d&d characters

7. which party member do they understand the least?

DAI — of everyone he's traveled with it's probably izzy, but of the current lineup... I mean it's slim pickings. up until recently it would have been ozy, but post-traveller ozy is. well. obviously daichi didn't sever his connection with his deity of 50 years but he's familiar with what it means to be adrift from your home and your god and your history, so he kinda gets it. I guess maybe scratch — not because he doesn't sympathize with her or where she's coming from, but some that stubbornness he admires he also just doesn't quite get (he is also often bemused by the sibling stuff) MINAH — upon some reflection, cian. everyone else is pretty easy to get a bead on: rhydian's grief and anger, riya's grief and confusion, leo's grief and vengeance, cian's (grief?) and—? she's pretty clear on the fact that there's something in his past that has affected him (and she has truly no interest in learning what it is), but she's not sure how that affects him or how he's always so like. level. contained. what goes on in there? RUE — to be honest I don't think she had the first clue what was going on with kallux but he was still her favorite (maybe second favorite after dobin) (petrika is a category all on her own and needn't bother herself competing with everyone else)

15. do they trust their party? why or why not?

DAI — yeah. they've had his back for long enough and seen him in some pretty unflattering positions. they came to the abyss for him. he trusts them. MINAH — she knows the party will have her back in a fight and keep watch while she sleeps, but she still doesn't really trust them. no one should take it personally; she doesn't really trust anyone. she's built different (badly) RUE — she'd trust petrika with her life and also her afterlife so jot that down. everyone else... she'd trust dobin, probably. not for any specific reason just because dobin is a super cool spellcrafting wizard and rue grocks that. she doesn't know the rest to say either way.

48. what do they see in their future?

DAI — ok so the thing about daichi is that actually seeing his own future is kind of the thing he's worst at, in an "I can't conceptualize what comes after this" sort of way. it's not quite as, ah, bleak as it used to be, but he tends to get really caught up in what's going on and forget about himself as like, a guy who exists outside of whatever crisis needs solving. I think, if the void is destroyed and the portals close and people around the galaxy(?) are stranded far from home, he'd make it his life's work to get everyone back where they're meant to be. god of travelers sort of thing MINAH — oh, god. horror. death, blight. violence. she doesn't think about it. RUE — rue doesn't spend much time conceptualizing her future. there'll be people to fleece and wonders to see and petrika, and that's all that matters

62. outside of otherworldly forces, what do they believe in?

DAI — he believes in the tenets of his oath: discernment, valor, resolve, character. helping those who need it and protecting the people under his charge. he used to believe in the structures that governed airedon (the skysingers, the order of the sunspeaker) but his recent run-ins with authority and governing bodies has made him a little more hesitant on that front. MINAH — doesn't even believe in otherworldly forces to begin with so jot that down (I mean she believes in magic but idk if that counts). mostly she believes that there's no faith to be placed in the system and structures that rule thedas and it's every man for himself and sometimes, if you're lucky, you find a kind stranger. that's about as far as she's figured it out. RUE — rue was raised by ghosts so tbh "otherworldly" is hard to pin down — they were pretty worldly to her. she's not really one for gods and the like, though she knows petrika is and tries to be respectful if not faithful. honestly, mostly she believes in tri.

[thefirstknife]

Do you think all of these reveals about Misraaks's backstory are... a bit much? All we knew before was he was a vandal during the reef wars who met Sjur, then became our ally. The splicer stuff was a cool reveal, albeit surprising (and what did he do with his old helmet?), but this most recent reveal feels almost retconesque? Just wondering your thoughts!

I saw the comments that it could be an issue with his timeline since he's depicted as a ruthless captain, but when he's found by Sjur, he's just a vandal.

I hope Bungie addresses this, but it's also pretty clear to me that Mithrax at one point stopped using the relic. We don't know why and how and when (yet), but he must've abandoned the pirating ways at some point and by doing so, he would've been demoted. A demotion for Eliksni means less ether and less ether means they lose their size. So him going from captain to vandal isn't really a retcon.

Another thing to remember is that we're talking many hundreds of years (at minimum) of a timespan in his story. Mithrax had plenty of time to grow up, take over as a captain, do the bad stuff, stop, get a demotion and eventually end up with the Awoken. I think the timespan is the most crucial here and people tend to forget that we have no definitive information about how much time it's been, other than vaguely several hundred for sure. There's definitely enough time for Mithrax to have had such a rich history before our time.

However, I would definitely like to know more and get an official explanation from Mithrax himself. All this so far has been told by Eramis and I would love if Mithrax sat us down and told us himself.

Survivor's Epitaph from Splicer reads a lot differently now with all of this in mind:

"There was a ship," Mithrax eventually replied. "It may have been soldiers. Civilians. I do not know." He looked away from the Traveler as he spoke. "I led a boarding party onto it. We slaughtered any who resisted and rounded up those who surrendered."

Shaxx turned to look at Mithrax, a wordless question in his faceless mask.

"We argued what to do with the prisoners. Some suggested we keep them as warning-trophies. Others said to barter with them." Mithrax looked away, shoulders sagged. "But I was young. Impatient." He closed his eyes. "I opened the airlock. It seemed the simplest solution."

This definitely hinted, even back then, that at some point in his life, Mithrax had a significant position of power among the Eliksni. He led a boarding party and he was the one who had the power to decide what to do with prisoners.

But yeah, either way, I hope we get more clarifying lore about his past. They obviously haven't forgotten that he found his daughter in a wreck (he mentioned it in a voice line) and that he spent time with the Awoken (Eido's name) so I wouldn't say they're retconning anything. But it would be great if he told us more about his past just so we can get a better grasp on when all of these things happened.

As for his old helmet, no clue. His mother is shown wearing an identical one in the cutscene, so he either inherited hers or had an identical one made, and he later abandoned it before coming to the Last City for, perhaps, peace keeping reasons. Him wearing the old helmet while he was hiding in the basement on the Farm was fine, but coming to the City with it was something he perhaps saw as too much for those that might recognise it (both humans and Eliksni). But again, I would love to see some official lore on that so we don't have to extrapolate.

[cakeinthevoid]

Forget It

Whumptober No. 2:  “I’ll call out your name, but you won’t call back.”

Thermometer | Delirium | “They don't care about you.” —— (1, 2, 3)

Content: War time setting, Reluctant Caretaker, unnamed casualty, fever, unreliable (caretaker) POV, mentioned/implied near death experience

Not usually crazy about military scenarios but for some reason it's the only one that came to mind with these prompts! Enjoy :) In advance: Yes, Capn is the name of their Leader. If you've been on my blog you know 9/10 times I'm lazy with names lmao

Mags was getting real sick of their new captive. They hadn’t even wanted to pick her off the field. For starters, she was Rithkusen. Second, keeping prisoners of war alive was more effort than it was worth. 

As proven by the fact that the girl they picked up was now running a high fever. Worse yet, Capn decided Mags had to treat it because their medic was tending to their own casualties. Mags was just getting a terrible coffee and Capn snagged them away before the old machine could finish its job. A terrible case of bad place bad time that Mags was becoming known for. 

Speaking of bad place—the prisoner brig was disgusting. The girl wasn’t their only prisoner and Mags had to walk through a dozen other grimy cells to reach her room. Why Capn wanted her in the room, Mags didn’t know. Couldn’t be because she was on the younger side—there was another prisoner who looked her age down the dark hall. 

“What are you waiting for? Can’t come up with a killer line for your entrance?” Speak of the devil. 

Mags was standing in front of the room, key and med kit in one hand. Worst part was, the kid was right, in a way. Mags had no clue what to say to the girl. 

Luckily the kid’s words solved the issue; Mags would say nothing at all. Nothing meaningful, anyway.

And so they didn’t even reply as they unlocked the heavy door and stepped in. 

Mags squinted at the overly bright lights. Going from the dim and dank hall to glaring white walls was jarring enough. They shut the door behind them, and in a few blinks they could see the girl curled up on the slab jutting out of the wall. 

She was still in Rithkusen frontline uniform; Deep maroons and browns, stained with varying shades of maroons and browns—blood and dirt. Mags always thought that was a silly uniform to have. Then again, their side of the fight wore white and green, which could stick out like a sore thumb at times. 

Despite that, the Vanctan were winning, so Mags had no real reason to judge war time fashion. Especially when the war would be over soon. They were going to win. 

Which is also why Mags saw no purpose to racking up POWs. 

Mags approached the bed and set their kit at the foot of it. The girl hardly filled up half, shivering with the blanket over her head. 

Mags took out a thermometer—it was one of the newer versions that just had to be held to the forehead for a reading. They came up to the head of the bed and pulled off the blanket so they could access the face. 

They expected at least some resistance, but the girl just let out a whine and curled up tighter, scrunching her eyes. 

Mags tried to do their job dispassionately, but the girl really was young. They weren’t an extremist, but sometimes they thought kids should be banned from the effort.

The girl was running a fever high enough to warrant those special pills, instead of the cheaper ones given out on the frontlines. Mags wanted to give her the cheap ones, but Capn clearly wanted the girl alive and it would be wise not to invoke his wrath. 

They rummaged for the bottle and took out a single pill. How to make her take it was beyond them. 

They tried taking her hand to put the pill between her fingers. The girl gripped their hand in return. 

“Hey—“ Mags tried to pull back, but the hold was tight. “Let go and take the pill, girl.”

As if Mags needed more proof the girl was ill, she started spouting nonsense. 

“Keal, Keal, Keal—I knew it, I was right! We can do it, I can prove it—“ she wheezed before devolving into a coughing fit. “The crater—exists,” she choked out.

Mags pulled back sharply and successfully. She had to report that. If the crater existed… Maybe Capn already knew—that’s why he kept the girl. But how did she know? Why wasn’t there more security around her? She was found dying on the field—she would have—should have died.

“K-Keal?” she coughed out. 

“They don’t care about you,” Mags said, mostly to themself in realization. “They left you to die when you could have changed everything,” they said in a hollow voice. 

“Keal—what are you t—turn off the lights, I can’t see—“

“I’m not Keal, girl.” 

“Where is everyone? Keal, please…”

Mags needed to report. They also needed the girl to take the damn pill. Desperate times, desperate measure and all that…

Mags grabbed the girls hair with one hand—when her mouth opened in pain and shock, Mags popped in the pill and shut her jaw with their free hand. 

Finally, the girl’s eyes shot open. They were wide with terror, but they weren’t seeing. 

“Mm—“

“This is a pill. To help you. Swallow it now.” 

She shook her head vigorously. At least she could hear. 

“I’m not asking. You’re going to swallow or suffocate.” In a quick move, Mags changed their hold to pin her arms down with a knee and one hand, and keep her mouth shut and nose plugged with the other. 

The girl twisted, but Mags was much stronger. It was hardly a fight. 

“Take the blasted pill or die!” 

Mags saw her swallow and let go. The girl took in a desperate breath of air before Mags took hold of her jaw again to inspect. The pill was swallowed. They weren’t sure that would actually work. 

They let go for a final time and stepped back, picking up the first aid kit on their way out. 

The girl was sobbing. 

At least the war would be over soon.

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

[sshbpodcast]

Don’t forget to remember these Star Trek memory wipes

By Ames

What did I start writing this blogpost for? I can’t seem to remember, so I might as well make a post about memory and how frequently our heroes in Star Trek seem to get theirs erased. We see enough tampering with people’s minds to give just about anyone an identity crisis, so this week A Star to Steer Her By will be focusing specifically on memory wipes.

Read on below and/or listen to this week’s episode (discussion at 1:03:36) for all the instances of memory wipes we could remember. And if I’ve forgotten any others, there’s an obvious reason for that… I didn’t feel like including them! Prepare to have your mind blown, and then reassembled again with some chunks missing.

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

“The Changeling”

An early instance of someone getting their mind erased happens when Nomad encounters Uhura and scrubs down her brain to try to understand why she was singing. It’s debatable how intentionally malicious this was but the results are the same: a vegetable for a comms officer. Somehow Nurse Chapel is able to teach Uhura how to be a person a little and we’re left to assume she’s relearned everything, though the implications are absolutely horrifying.

“The Paradise Syndrome”

Kirk ker-zaps his brain when snooping around an obelisk and manages to lose all his memories just in time to hook up with a hot native woman. As squicky as much of this episode is, Kirk’s not really at fault here because he literally has no idea what’s going on. If that’s not an effective way around the Prime Directive, as we discussed at length last week, then nothing is!

“Requiem for Methuselah”

Blink and you miss this one because it happens at the very end of the episode and doesn’t really get explained or lingered upon. After losing the love of his life of the week, Kirk is mourning Rayna the Robot and Spock doesn’t understand why. So when McCoy says it’d be nice if the captain could forget her, Spock (that cad!) decides on his own, entirely illogically, to go in and do something to Kirk’s memories without consent while he sleeps. It’s one of the most effed up things that Spock does, and many people won’t even notice it. Yikes.

“Pen Pals”

On the subject of our discussion of the Prime Directive from last week, here’s an episode that was pretty appropriate and has a memory wipe! It’s another sneaky way around lessening cultural contamination: just blank the relevant memories of the individual from the less developed society and it’s like we didn’t break our golden rule at all! Lucky for us, the Pulaski Method doesn’t work on all people or we could just use it in every episode and the show would never have any stakes at all.

“Transfigurations”

We’ve got an absolute ton of memory-related episodes in TNG, so let’s continue through with an amnesiac who’s evolving past his corporeal form and doesn’t even remember why. It’s kind of an interesting look at identity and a person’s potential, wrapped up in a kind of convoluted romance plot. But John Doe is a cool enough guy, especially when you look at memory loss episodes and how the individual still tends to shine through.

“Clues”

We brought up “Clues” recently when we discussed how Trek characters get possessed by entities quite a lot, so here’s a crossover in which they also lose their memories of meeting the Paxans. Like Pulaski performing a memory wipe on Sarjenka in “Pen Pals,” the reclusive aliens give a good brain cleaning to the Enterprise crew so that they don’t remember meeting them. Good for them!

“Conundrum”

Even better than the example in “Transfigurations” of amnesiac characters learning who they are is the episode “Conundrum.” The whole ship has lost their memories due to alien shenanigans, but the fascinating thing to watch is how the different crew members make assumptions about their identities through curiosity, logic, and wishful thinking while still acting fairly in character. They gravitate toward their natural personalities, which is kinda neat.

“Aquiel”

Trek doesn’t always nail mystery episodes, and “Aquiel” pulled out all the stops by including just about every red herring it could in this murder mystery in space. The top of those distractions was that the titular character couldn’t seem to remember anything about recent events for no good reason, except that there was a very good reason. Turns out nearly getting absorbed by a coalescent organism starts to wipe your memory. Who knew?

“Dark Page”

At some point (around, let’s say, “Half a Life”), TNG started writing Lwaxana Troi really well, and she gets a lot of really substantial character work in “Dark Page.” Lwaxana buried the memory of her deceased daughter somewhere in her mind. Maybe it’s a Betazoid thing. And in a much better memory-house adventure than catastrophes like “Distant Voices” and “Extreme Measures,” Deanna helps her through her trauma and it’s very sweet.

“Thine Own Self”

One more memory loss episode from TNG because there were just so many. With no memories of who he is or why he’s got so much radioactive material in his possession, Data makes himself comfortable on Barkon IV. Like the amnesia episodes discussed above, it’s very interesting to watch Data’s natural curiosity and intelligence pepper his actions even though he doesn’t know who he is as he saves the village from, well, himself.

“Equilibrium”

Moving on to other series, let’s trek over to Deep Space Nine and roll our eyes a whole bunch at how the Trill get retconned with just about every episode in which they’re the focus. It is from some big Trill conspiracy that the Dax symbiont had a whole past host’s memories removed so no one would know their big wormy secret. If it weren’t for Jadzia (or really, for Julian and Benjamin) uncovering the foul play, we’d have never learned about Joran. Oh no, big loss…

“Sons of Mogh”

Here’s another really unethical, rather uncomfortable one. If you can sort of shove Spock removing Kirk’s memories of Rayna under the rug, this one will be harder to justify. Bashir wipes Kurn’s memories with absolutely no consent because Klingon rituals seem barbaric and even less ethical to our soft Federation eyes. It’s a tough justification to make when you know that it goes against Kurn’s wishes. Ames wrote a whole fanfic about it. Frankly, he’s probably better off dead.

“The Killing Game”

Update 1/26/24: Apparently my memory got wiped at some point because I didn’t remember to include “The Killing Game” in this list when I first wrote it. But obviously the Hirogen blank the crew’s memories so they can play out their battle scenarios. And like in “Conundrum” and other amnesia episodes, it’s entertaining to see the similarities and differences between the French Resistance characters and their normal Starfleet personalities. No matter the circumstance, they will always fight for individuality.

“Unforgettable”

Moving on to our friends in the Delta Quadrant, let’s visit with the Ramurans for the very first time… every time we meet them! They’re a pretty neat race who naturally block memory engrams from forming in the people they interact with, and as a bonus they also have an instrument they can use on each other as well! So perhaps they can be blamed for how the romance between Kellin and Chakotay is adorable and yet perfectly forgettable.

“Latent Image”

On the podcast, we just covered “Latent Image,” which takes some of the squickier, nonconsensual memory wipe concepts we’ve just discussed, and actually brings the ethical debate to the forefront. It reminds me a bit of “Tuvix” which we liked so much because it explores the different sides of an equally impossible dilemma and puts a human face on it. Some may say Janeway makes a better decision here though.

“Workforce”

Update 1/26/24: Here’s one that we reviewed after this blogpost came out that I have to add since I never had these memories to begin with. When the whole crew gets abducted by the Quarren, they repress everyone’s memories so they’ll be docile, hardworking drones during their employment crisis. And like “The Killing Game,” it’s actually quite fascinating to watch how their personalities are reflected in their new characters, something I always love in memory wipe episodes. Tom loves B’Elanna no matter what, and it’s so cute.

“The Seventh”

Updated 1/26/24: Now that we’re finally doing our Enterprise watchthrough over on the podcast, I see I needed to add this T’Pol-centered episode to the memory wipes list. We learn that she underwent the fullara, a Vulcan mind-wiping technique that looks none too pleasant, because she was wracked with guilt for murdering a Vulcan defector to death. Apparently Vulcans aren’t logical enough to just get therapy.

“Observer Effect”

We brought up the Enterprise episode “Observer Effect” when we talked about possessions recently, so now I know to bring it up here too! Not only are the Organians possessing people’s bodies for periods of time, but they actively have a chat with a very pissed-off Phlox and wipe his recollection of it. Those guys’ definition of the Prime Directive has always been a little different.

“Despite Yourself”

Let’s jump ahead to Discovery. We didn’t mention this one on the podcast, but I wanted to bring it up here because it’s so messed up. L’Rell makes herself a sleeper agent when she crams Voq inside of Ash Tyler, turducken style, and blanks his memory, only to turn it back on later when it’s appropriate. And that happens to be in “Despite Yourself” when the poor guy is already having enough of an identity crisis.

“Reflections”

We here at SSHB (and I specifically) are quick to judgment of Lower Decks’s comedy, but it does also get a lot right, especially in the latest season! I’m particularly a big fan of Rutherford’s character arc, and the episode “Reflection” does some really great backstory building regarding his life before his implant, which is gone from his memory. He’s a fully different person from who he used to be, and I’m looking very forward to learning more as the show goes on! You never thought you’d hear me say that, didn’t you?

“A Moral Star” et alia

We give as much guff to Lower Decks as we heap praise onto Prodigy in its storytelling, characterizations, and pretty much everything else (opening title sequence, for instance). Somehow it’s still in season one as I write this so mild spoilers abound. I actually got chills when Gwyn lost her short-term memories by seeing Zero’s reflection outside their suit in “A Moral Star”. And then more chills later in the season as her and the Diviner’s memories are coming back! This plot development is still ongoing and I can’t encourage you more to check it out and see where they take it!

“Among the Lotus Eaters”

Update 1/26/24: Adding this one after the fact, so some spoilers for Strange New Worlds season two here. But this episode is just so clever in its use of memory to a very thought-provoking effect. The idea that memory is used as a way to control people and to exert power is so original and captivating that I just needed to come back and update this list. Knowledge of your own identity is literally power here on Rigel VII, and I’m such a fan of that kind of introspection.

—

My memories are returning, so let’s wrap this one up here. Let us know what other episodes you’ve remembered that have been purged from my mind somehow. Jot down a hand-written note to remind yourself to listen to the watch-along podcast over on SoundCloud or wherever you like to tune in, recall us on Facebook and Twitter, and remind me who you are again?

[hoodie-prince-kid]

Hey question no clue why I'm asking you but you seem like someone who would have an answer for some reason.

Why do some people get mad when I say I don't particularly enjoy something, even if it's something that that person may not be fully obsessed with or even like a whole lot from what they've said, like just mentioning it in passing?

Some people don't like taking criticism for things they enjoy, even if it's passive. I'll give you an example; the other night my mom and I were talking about video game soundtracks and she said she didn't like Jump Up Superstar, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. It upset me because I like the song, and don't see the same flaws my mom saw. I had to remember she's entitled to her opinion, so I didn't outright get mad at her.

People tend to forget that opinions are subjective, and as long as the opinion isn't actively harming anyone, they need to mind their own business. It's the same issue with stuff like pineapple on pizza or the color of math; it's all subjective, and there's no right answer, but no group of people is actively being harmed either so in the end the argument doesn't really matter.

Does that make any sense?

[desertdaddypsp]

What do you see in Bisuit's eyes?

I'll tell you what I see, but you have to understand that my interpretation of her gaze mirrors what is going on in my head right now.

Biscuit's blank stare says, "Really? Am I really important? I know that people feed me and pet me and take me for walks, but do they really love me? Is any of this real?

That has been my life over the last few weeks. Lost. Confused. Alone. Numb.

I've realized that over the last couple of days, I've been walking around in a fog...kind a dissociative state. I can't really describe it, but I feel fuzzy. Not the good "warm and fuzzy" kind of fuzzy, but the "I truly can't feel anything because there is this fuzz that envelopes me.

People touch me, but it doesn't feel genuine. I hear words, but they just sound like the teacher in the Peanut's cartoons. My affect is non-existent. I should be crying or depressed, but mostly I just feel nothing. I'm simply going through the motions.

I forget things. I'm clumbsy. I'm irritable and at the same time on the verge of tears for apparently no reason. At times, I feel like I'm outside myself, watching me do things but not really participating in my life. Maybe my life is just to hard in which to participate right now. Maybe I've simply checked out. In fact, that's exactly what I've done. Rick is gone.

Taylor Swift has a song a year or so ago called, "Look What You Made Me Do!" In it, she tells a caller that she can't talk to the old Taylor. The caller asks why. "Oh! Because....she'd dead!" That's the way I feel.

What's the genesis of some of this stuff? I think I have a clue. Sobriety and the rooms, money, and self-medication.

How about we talk about the 12-Step rooms first, shall we? First off, we're all addicts and were all fucked up to one degree or another. Some of us have it better together than others, but were all fucked up. We're not always nice to each other. We gossip. We break anonymity. Friendships come and go like water down the drain. Make a friend one day and the next, they don't even know your name or bother to greet you. Then, when you point it out, it's all MY fault and I get the, "I dont' want to be friends with you anymore!" Jeeze. Shades of the elementary school playground.

Now, at the risk of painting the entire room with one large brush, no every one is like that. The are those who are friendly on a consistent basis. The greet you with a smile and a hug no matter what. I wish I could concentrate on those people. But in my try co-dependent fashion, I tend to concentrate on what's wrong instead of what's right. Maybe someday I'll learn. Stick close to that Higher Power, Rick!

When I first came to the rooms, I got all kinds of business cards and offers to call people no matter what time, day or not, if I was tempted to use. Then two weeks later, those same people didn't even remember me. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn that they were all high when the passed me those business cards. Needless to say in the seven months in the rooms, my initial circle of friends is nowhere to be found. Othere have come to fill their places, but for the most part, they have moved on, or relapased, or decided that they wanted friends with "more sobriety" than I had...or they died. Yeah. That happened too.

Do I have a part in this. But, of course I do. I took a friend out to dinner who was just back from a relapse and the shared with me that his sponsor told him that while he like me, he, "Didn't trust me!" That didn't sit well because I knew the person who supposedly said it.

Now a couple of things crossed my mine: 1) the person telling me about the gossip about me was coming from a man who had recently relapsed. His brain probably wasn't firing on my chambers, so I should have taken his words with a grain of salt. (2) I knew that person who hade supposedly said that he didn't trust me and his behavior torward me would have given me no inclination that he distrusted me. I tried to chalk it up to, "What other people think of me is none of my buisness!" but that didn't work. It made me made.

When I get mad, I take action. So, even thougnh I vowed I wouldn't, I texted the violater and asked him if he had said that he didn't trust me. He said that he had no idea what I was talking about, but he knew who shared that Information with me and he was upset. The person who share it with me became upset with me and refuses to talk to me despite my making a sincere amends. Oh, well. Saying you're sorry doesn't always bring forgiveness, but I did the right things.

Now, the recovered relapser says that he won't go back to meetings befause he doesn't want to face his former sponsor. I hate to sound hard-hearted, but that's not my problem. If he deicdes to stay away out of guilt, no matter how much he blames me, he has to take responsibility for that decision to not go back to the rooms.

I'm not proud of myself in the slightest. I'm disappointed that I let my anger get the best of me and ruin a good friendship.

Anger.

Boy, I'm filled with it. Everyday, I become aware of the seething rage that is just below the surface of my smile when I have one. At a moment's notice, I'm ready to take off someone's head in the parking lot of Ralph's or make snide comments when the lady won't move her damned cart from the middle of the aisle as if she's the only one in the store.

How do I cope? Several ways. I've stopped going to meetings and probably won't go back anytime soon. I'm not sure if my sponsor will continue to work with me if I refuse to go to meetings. If I do, I'll seek out meetings where I'm a loner. I'll attend, sit there and keep my mouth shut, and leave. Get the input and run.

I told my sponsor that since working with him, I have seem glimpses of what a happy life can be and I'm not ready to walk away from that. After all, walk away from what toward what? Oblivion? Drinking? Sex? Relapsing? Not such good choices in my estimation and I'm the one making the decision.

But how do I cope? Not in good ways. In my zombie-like state, I have put the gay sex apps back on my phone and I'm a busy little beaver hunting down twinks, and otters, and bears, oh my! I've gone off the deep end with sex. Often it is with different partners sometime 3 times a day.

Why?

Self-medication. If I can get some guy to get me naked and have his way with me, then I get to feel wanted and valued for those few minutes. But, as the door closes, more often than not, I sob. I know that isn't what I want and yet it is compulsive. Take tonight for example.

I started the day of with a little sexual trick with an old friend. It was fun. I like him. But did that satisfy my needs? Hell no