#i still v much feel like the fucked up 16 year old

[cherriesandcharms]

..

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Taiwan has one show, but that's all they need

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

April 2024 Wk 1

Ongoing Series - Thai

Two Worlds (Thurs IQIYI) ep 4 of 10 - I don’t say this often but I LOVE this love triangle. The longing gazes = chef's kiss. I like that we are finally getting flashbacks to Tai’s side of the love affaire. This show remains highly engaging. So pleased for MaxNat.  

Deep Night (Thurs iQiyi) ep 5 of 8 - More lesbians! Yay! Meanwhile, when our leads make up they make out! (Yes I’m proud of myself.) I think this might be BLs first rooftop sex scene. We’ve reached new heights, BLabies. (Yes I’m proud of that too.) Anygay, basically a soap opera at this point, I'm not thrilled but I don’t mind.

"Do you apologize for being straight?"

City of Stars (Fri iQIYI) ep 10 of 12 - It was lovely. Very well done celebrity leaving the closet ep. Nice ensemble work too. Next week is doom! As expected. 

Only Boo! (Sun YouTube) ep 1 of 12 - New main couple for GMMTV in an idol romance about a boy who dances good and a food stand vendor. It’s fine but overly very pulp feeling for something from GMMTV. I'm a little concerned.

1000 Years Old (Thurs iQIYI) ep 8 of 12 - meh.

To Be Continued (Sat C3 Thailand grey) ep 7 of 8 - Never turned up on my usual sites. So will have to wait until next week. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Unknown (Taiwan Tues YouTube & Viki) ep 7 of 11 - Qian was, indeed, the one who couldn’t let go. This show is fucking fantastic. It's the best thing I'm watching right now by a mile.

Jazz for Two (Korea Gaga/grey) eps 3-8fin - The bully and the blue-haired drummer side pairing were great. I hated the father. Hated him so much. Our main tsundere seme was a bit too tsundere for me. I was v annoyed by the time he finally softened. I'm amused by all the ways they finagled boys kissin-but-not-kissing in the first half of this show. 2024's "pan around the back of the head" has now become a "dipping of the brolly." We did, however, eventually get an okay kiss.

Honestly?

This was basically what I wanted from Given and didn’t get. So I’m pleased. The music still wasn't great, but you can skip those bits. A solid enemies to lovers BL, where the sins of brothers' past haunts the present. Great optics, decent chemistry, and a tidy script even if tsundere characterization went a bit extreme in some cases. 8/10 RECOMMENDED trigger for suicide

Love is Better the Second Time Around AKA Koi wo Suru nara Nidome ga Joto (Japan Weds Gaga) ep 5 of 6 - We got the past betrayal in detail and it was decently bad. Bitterness understood. Too soon to live together! The BL U-Haul strikes again. I do like their weird curry passive aggressive argument. This is an interesting show. Do I LOVE it? No. But I think I like it.

On a not-really-related note: adoption, including adult adoption, is actually pretty common in Japan (comparatively). It's often tied to business scionism.

My Strawberry Film (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 8fin - It all turned out to be a tragic GL in the end. Not BL = not my problem. No rating. I will forget its existence right about… now. 

Love is like a Cat (Korea Mon Viki) eps 1-2 of 12 - Okay, weirdly kinky with the head scratching. Not much has happened and I’m not wild about what has. 

It's done, ready to binge, but I suck

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps

It's airing but...

We Are (Weds GMMTV iQIYI) ep 1 of 16 - University ensemble BL featuring PondPhuwin, WinnySatang, AouBoom, MarcPawinPoon - basically the good kind of messy gay friendship group (so more My Engineer and less Only Friends). Looks a bit like the Kiss series but everyone is queer. I'm IN but I need my other computer and I'm traveling as usual. So I'll get caught up next week and probably won't regularly be able to watch this one.

Graduation Countdown (Taiwan YouTube) - It's too much for me to keep up with 2 minute verticals, I don't have that kind of TikTok endurance training.

A Secretly Love (Thai Sat WeTV grey) 10 eps - Completed. Worth watching?

Lady Boy Friends (Thai WeTV grey) 16 eps - reminds me a bit too much of Diary of Tootsies only high school. Not my thing. DNF unless it turns a corner and is truly amazing.

Kiseki Chapter 2 (Sun iQIYI) 6 eps - It’s so boring DNFed at 2.

Close Friend Season 3: Soju Bomb! (Weds iQIYI) 6 - The problem with situational comedy BL is it must be situational, comedic and a BL. This show gets 1 of 3 claims correct. 33% is not a passing grade. Dropped at 3.

In the news

Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari is getting the undeserved honor of Furritsubs. Follow them for details. Tip 'em if you like 'em. (Will I watch it? Oh, probably. Damn it.)

Then Next Prince turned out to be a trailer only. Word on the webs is we will be lucky if we get it this year. It’s BL Princess Diaries. Jimmy has a new pairing (that boy from Night Dream) which is... interesting. All in all, this show does not look good. Pretty but not good.

Next Week Looks Like This:

4/11 Gray Shelter AKA Gray Currents (Korea ????) 4 eps - SooHyuk is only just surviving and reunites with YoonDae, an old friend. They end up living together. One of the leads is played by Choco of Choco Milk Shake.

4/12 Living With Him AKA Kare no Iru Seikatsu (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - Kindly Ryota goes off to uni only to find his new roommate is his childhood bestie, Kazuhito. Kazuhito doesn’t have a girlfriend and Ryota tries to help him figure out why, they fall in love along the way. Same director as Old Fashion Cupcake.

Still to Come in April

4/18 At 25:00, in Alaska AKA 25 Ji, Akasaka de (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - Yuki lands his first starring role in a BL drama alongside superstar Asami (previously his senior at uni). Said superstar suggests they form a sham relationship until filming concludes. As they actually begin to fall in love, the spotlight begins to burn. I think I've seen this before (joke) and also the trailer doesn't inspire confidence.

4/26 My Stand-In (Thai iQIYI) 12 eps - adaptation of Chinese novel "Professional Body Double" by Shui Qiang Cheng. Stars Up (Lovely Writer) and Poom (Bake Me Please) directed by the same team as KP (not a recommendation IMHO - my biggest criticism of that show was the clashing directing styles). This one looks well complicated, lemme try: Joe is a stuntman for famous actor Tong. Joe falls in love with Ming but Ming sees Joe as nothing more than a Tong-replacement. After learning this horrible truth, Joe dies. Joe then wakes up in the body of another man also named Joe. He manages to rebuild the same life as before—with the same people eventually re-meeting Ming. Ming wants Joe back but Joe doesn't understand why. But Ming seems to know what's going on and wants to give him some kind of explanation.

I'm exhausted just trying to describe the plot.

Knock-Knock Boys (Thai WeTV) - 4 college friends conspire to help their friend lose his virginity. Familiar faces like Seng (yes, Billy's previous partner) and Best, news here.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

NOTE: It looks like one of my personal favorites of last year Unintentional Love Story is getting a spin off!

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

See City of Stars & Unknown.

(Last week)

Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are too much work.

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire

If ya wanna be tagged each week leave a comment and I will add you to the template. Easy peesy.

[smidgen-of-hotboy]

Our Angel of Brahma, pt. v

Sorry not sorry.

@ceaseless-watchers-special-girl @ananxiousgenz @the-private-eye @demonic-panini @gwenlena

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING BEGINS. (MUFFLED SNIFFLING) BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY): It’s been– ten years. A decade. And I thought I was over it by now. I thought I was past this. I– I didn’t even cry this much last year over my dad. Fucking hell… I didn’t even cry over my mom!  SOUND: FIST BANGING AGAINST TABLE. BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY): I love my mom. I love her so much, but I forgot about what she did for me. I forgot about feeling sad for her… (BIG SNIFFLE) We have not seen our Angel of Brahma, for fifteen years. It has been fifteen years, and I am still waiting for my mom to come home. I am still waiting to bury my dead.  It’s been ten years, and I’m still waiting to bury you, Charlie. There’s nothing left of your old life. I tried looking for something, anything, but I kept coming up empty-handed. I miss your Mom’s cooking, and I miss your Dad’s jokes. I miss your baby sister’s chubby little cheeks, and I miss– (BAIRD COUGHS) I miss singing for you. I’m still singing but what good is it if the only person I wanted to let hear me isn’t around? Can’t be here?  SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR. HINGES CREAK. HUSHED VOICE.  BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY): Get out! SOUND: METAL CAN HITTING DOOR. DOOR SLAMMING SHUT.  (BAIRD HUFFING) BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY): Fuck. Iris is going to kill me later. Heh– maybe it’s for the best… You wouldn’t want me talking like that.  (BAIRD CLEARING HIS THROAT) Last week on Brahma: Josie’s girls saved up enough creds from doing their little odd jobs around the block to barter for chocolate from a Constable. Josie found out, and she was livid. The girls gave me their chocolate and wished me a happy birthday.  This week on Brahma: I have not celebrated my birthday in ten years. I forgot I even had one. It has been ten years since we lost you, Charlie. Josie’s girls are grounded for another week. Talia is counting on me to help organize the next community meeting. We’ve heard rumors from the Constables about expansion plans to New Kinshasa. But we’ve also heard rumors that they’ve caught the Angel. I don’t wanna believe it, but…  (BAIRD SIGHS) I’m not going to.  I miss you, Charlie. I miss my mom and dad. I miss Hank’s dog. I miss Mrs. Darius… And I miss you. There’s so much I miss but if I could have just one more day with you, one more adventure, one last kiss, one final goodbye– I’d give up anything in a heartbeat. I’d lose my voice if it meant you would scream at me again like I was sixteen, trying to get involved with Talia in the revolution with our “book club”.  (SNORT) If only you could see me now… I gotta go, Charlie. Promise me you’ll be waiting for me on the other side. SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS.

(CALYPSO HICCUPS AND BLOWS HER NOSE)

- Baird was 16 when he started his “book club” with Talia. Their first “reading” was Fahrenheit 451. There are no libraries left on Brahma (TRUE). Baird mentions a “community meeting”. The book club was a cover up (and Charlie got mad? Why?) 

- He was 16 when Josie’s twins were born (SIDE NOTE: they would be about 10 at the time of recording). 16 when Hank’s dog died and Mrs. Darius was diagnosed with radiation poisoning. 

- 16+10= 26? Baird is/about 26(?) at time of recording

- 26-15= 11? Baird was/about 11(?) when Peter Nureyev threatened the G.A.S., and Baird’s mom “vanished” overnight

- 26-1= 25-10= 15, Baird was/about 15(?) when Dad was beaten, taken, and presumably killed by the Constables? 

- Who is Iris? Another neighbor/community member? Why would they come into the place Baird’s at so nonchalantly? 

- CHOCOLATE AGAIN! It likely did come from New Kinshasa back when Baird agreed to sing for Charlie. 

- Baird didn’t expect to have such big emotions over Charlie. What did happen to Charlie? Presumably dead? Why? Did they both get caught up in the revolution? Must be what happened to Baird’s parents now happening to them. What happened to Charlie’s family? Also presumably dead? (SIDE NOTE: Frannie says there’s a way to trace older recordings, but it would take her a long time and cost me more creds than I have right now. Is it worth it? She also did not like me mentioning Dark Matters. Something about her friend getting caught up in that mess 3 to 4 years ago because she became a pirate?? Unclear what this means. But she did say that if I waited a bit I would get a nice juicy email with all the information about every single Baird in the galaxy, all I needed to give her was a rough age range.)

[luetta]

i'm going back to what 16 year old me used to do in full swing i think. type to myself on dead forums. wanna know a story about me? i used to post on that nazi reddit alternative website voat. for years. not anything political, i just made a subreddit that was my username and made posts everyday about how obsessed i was about a girl called rebekah in the grade above me. i never talked to her a single time in my life. she was just pretty. hundreds of posts. eventually randoms on the website found my posts through the new section and started commenting how creepy i was. and then i guess i referred to myself as a waitress and they started thinking i was a girl who had a lesbian crush. of course i did nothing to disavow that notion. and then when i was with my friend finlay in class, i was on a school provided laptop, seeing what the suggested autocomplete web searches for a, b, c, etc were. and when i looked up 'v' it came up with 'voat [my username]. i guess on this laptop sometime before i had searched it up. i begged him not to look it up and deleted it all the moment i got home but he just went on internet archive and essentially held this blackmail over my head for about 3 months. at the end of high school finlay wasnt popualr in our group (there was always someone who was the cyberbullied person of the day in our group.) and i honestly did a fucking asshole thing. i always say that i was nice and just a victim of this mean group but i did this thing, which completely undoes all that. there was a barbeque for the entire grade on a saturday, school organised but essentually our own thing. in the discord finlay was wondering whether to come, lots of us were there already. i said that there was barely anyone here lol. and that was a complete lie. i lied and made him miss this event for no reason other than to dogpile on him. that night everyone was fighting and i chimed in and he told everyone about my voat account and also about how we had accidentally discovered each other in a league of legends erotic roleplay discord server. so yeah that was fun. i refused to talk to him for like 2 years lol. anyways. the point of this is to say. that im gonna start doing that again i think. post a bunch of stream of consciousness text posts of angst and self loathing and envy and hatred. cus i feel like shit and that's my self harm. im too much of a pussy to do anything else when i feel like shit. i just sit on the computer and make myself feel worse. this can be my self therapy. getting my thoughts out instead of letting them fester inside my brain forever. i can't be fucked going to therapy properly. it doesnt help cus idk how to articulate anything properly. ill get asked whats wrong and ill be like. i dont know. and honestly thats barely a lie. i dont fucking know whats wrong with me. i know that there is something wrong with me, but i dont know the reason why ive turned out like this. im just a fucking weirdo i think. i literally thought that i wasnt a creep anymore after transitioning, that i figured it out. but nope. im still a fucking creep, thinking about girls that i know, obsessing about them. urgh. i feel like. i've fucked my transition up. i fucked up the choices that i didn't know were choices and now im someone i don't want to be. i just want to be someone else but thats not possible because the person that i am, currently, isn't someone that can be someone else. i know that you can just change who you are ! you can do new things and stop doing old things. you can be someone else. but i just cant. i try but i just always circle back to this. uninteresting blob of a person. who does nothing except sit in their room and wish they were someone else. an uninteresting blob of envy. that's all i am and will ever be, i feel. and that sucks. i dont want to be that, but there's nothing else i can do about that. im too uninteresting and unadventurous and afraid to reach out and form connections to people that i wanna. cus thats how you change as a person. by being with other people. you slowly give each other parts of yourself

[horizon-forbidden-sheesh]

Writing Process: Timelines & Trackers

Okayyy, so I've written about the drafting process in detail. But along the way, logistics problems tend to pop up that can't be solved in words alone.

Mostly, it has to do with knowing exactly where someone is or what someone is doing at the same time as another character I'm writing. For instance, when does Alva get back to the Base? How long is she there before Aloy shows up?

I didn't always take detailed notes on this during my first play-through. And after I abandoned my Scrivener file, (more about this here ⚙️) I decided to refine my timeline.

I already had a great foundation based on my first play-through and my New Game+ speed run. So, I started fresh, with a new game file and good old fashioned pen & paper. I'm still working through this as I write. (Just finished the Scorcher side quest!!)

*This is in a Master-size (A4) Leuchtturm notebook, in which I'm working back-to-front. I prefer purple pen and grid paper always.

Yes. I know. I am a psycho. As I mentioned in the Preamble, gaming timelines are a special interest. 💁🏼‍♀️ Plus, I build client-friendly Gantt charts for design projects IN MY SLEEP. So, taking my timeline from paper into Spreadsheet status felt like a v natural next step.

💡I started with a weekly at-a-glance, mostly because I needed to coordinate when various characters arrived back at Base:

Why yes, I am tracking Zo & Aloy's periods. Because there is no single, magical herb you can take to stop pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I dig this trope! It's important to discuss family planning, and our genre is ✨fantasy✨ after all. But I can only suspend my disbelief so far, and there are other ways to get around this, which a Matriarchal society would probably be clued in on.

💡 This quickly evolved to a daily at-a-glance once Kotallo made it to the Base:

This spreadsheet helped me IMMENSELY as I was writing chapters 13, 14, 16, 17, & 19! Basically any time Aloy & Kotallo are not in the same location. Knowing what Kotallo is doing at the Base while Aloy is off mid-adventure has been super important to make sure their Focus calls work and feel natural.

Likewise, knowing exactly what day Erend returns, and how long they have before Aloy gets back all helps with continuity and flow.

Other Things I'm Tracking:

💡Datapoints. The whole point of the GAIA Gang is that they're sorting through the data Aloy collected during the events of HZD. And since that was an absolute whirlwind year for Aloy, I'm thinking her files are a fucking shit show—and almost none of the people sorting through them even know how to read. 😵

So, I started by accumulating all the files by location. I am assuming they're probably geo-tagged—if not, they're at least assembled in order of pick-up, which would mean they're ordered by Aloy's general location at time-of-discovery anyway.

*I crossed them out as I moved them to the next spreadsheet tab...

From this hot mess, I figure that Zo, in her infinite wisdom, took one look at Aloy's files and went, "Oh hell no."

💡Here's the way I imagine Zo organized her playlists, much to Varl, Erend, & Kotallo's relief (Meanwhile, Alva re-filtered everything, and discovered entirely new metadata categories, obviously):

The most important detail here was time!! Most of these are like 1 minute long... but 1 minute in the game is like, 20 minutes IRL. So you've gotta figure the GAIA Gang is back at Base binge-watching an entire docu-series, while simultaneously learning how to read (and procrastinating with hours and hours of bodycam battle footage).

No wonder they're always busy when Aloy shows up!

💡 And yes, these are all tabs on a single spreadsheet:

💡 "Population" is literally just a mess of numbers & formulas as I try to figure out how we went from ~20 E-9 Cradle inhabitants to multiple tribes in the span of ~700 years.

I mean in 3041 we're prolly sitting at like... maybe ~15k in the U.S.?

*On second thought, that Oseram number is probably higher.

Anywayyyy, as fun as a blank page is, my brain really does work best on a grid. The process is totally intuitive, and I create the necessary docs as I go, the same as I would for any client or project. Sometimes, you need to explain things in a way so everyone is on the same page, and I find spreadsheets invaluable in that regard. (Y'all should see my wedding planning spreadsheet, lol.)

This whole process has helped me to find what works for me, and writing fanfic is truly preparing me to write my own original works. What I've discovered is that spreadsheets are part of my flowstate. They bring me a deep sense of peace and they help me to stay on track and oriented while I'm in the weeds.

🖤 Really, I want to come back to something I said in my second 'Process' post: Do what feels natural. Everyone is different. If being 'organized' steals your joy, don't do it. Stay messy! Whatever! Who cares? The most important part is that you find your flowstate.

I found this old Hindu saying while I was copywriting for a Chinese Medicine client, and it really stuck with me: "There are a hundred paths up the mountain, so it doesn't matter which path you take. The only one wasting time is the one who runs around and around the mountain telling everyone else that their path is wrong."

I'm just here documenting my own path up my mountain. And part of me thinks that it's all incredibly self-indulgent and cringe, but hey—when has blogging ever not been?

If you've read this far, I'm grateful. It's all a bit shouting-into-the-void out here, especially when you're this deep into a niche that moved on a while ago. But I've always loved a slowburn. (And if you do too, you might consider reading The Marshal.)

xo, Sheesh.

[simplynotcapable]

how do you think Visenya and Baelon would've done if they got incarnated later into the Targaryen dynasty? Kids of Aegon V, or siblings of Aerys II or siblings of Rhaegar or something?

Hi anon!

I think if Baelon and Visenya were born at almost any other time (assuming Baelon was not a firstborn son), they would be largely footnotes on the grander scheme of history. Baelon doesn’t really want the throne or power, he just takes on the responsibility because he feels like it would disrespect his mother’s sacrifice to do otherwise. In a part of history where his father didn’t kill his mother for him, he’s going to care even less.

So as kids of Aegon V:

We’re assuming Baelon is born after Duncan and Jaehaerys, but even if he wasn’t our boy is probably not going to be king. Way more likely he punts it off to his younger brother.

Aegon V was very against incestuous marriages, so Baelon and Visenya would be betrothed to other people. I say that probably lasts right up until they’re 15-16 years old at most because they’re going to run off and get married. I think the difference here between them running off and Jaehaerys and Shaera doing the same thing is that Baelon and Visenya probably aren’t going to go back. Because like…what’s waiting for them there? An angry father, royal duties, responsibilities neither of them have ever really wanted or asked for? They’re going to steal a bunch of shit right before they leave the Keep, get married, and then fuck off to somewhere like Essos. They’ll live their silly little lives being in love and careless and dumb.

It’s likely they’d still be alive during Robert’s Rebellion and even for the events of the series, but I don’t think they’d involve themselves very much. Definitely not in the wars themselves because they wrote themselves out of it on purpose and also they’re old now. They don’t know any of the Targaryens still alive or particularly care about them. They don’t have the same sense of familial loyalty that they do when they’re born during the Dance, and what they did have for their siblings did not transfer over to their brother’s kids and grandkids.

Robert has people watching them undoubtedly, but I don’t think he’d try to have them killed. They’re both old and fled the throne once, there’s no indication they’d want to fight for it now.

They would support Dany’s claim, though, in a very distant “yeah hope she gets it back” kind of way, and they would be very excited at the thought of her bringing back the dragons.

Since we don’t know how the books end yet, I can’t really say for sure beyond that point, except Baelon and Visenya are perfectly happy where they are and aren’t getting involved with anything even if asked.

Siblings of Aerys II:

(We are again assuming Aerys’s younger siblings.)

Baelon and Visenya are going to be married, though we’ll leave it up in the air why Jaehaerys felt strongly enough to argue with his father about it. Maybe the wood witch’s prophecy involved them, too.

Robert’s Rebellion never happens because Baelon’s gonna kill Aerys himself.

One thing that mostly always stays the same about Baelon is that he is very protective of his sisters. Especially Visenya but all of his sisters. Baelon does not let people put their hands on his sisters, full stop, regardless of every other factor of his relationship with them. He doesn’t have a particularly close relationship with Rhaella. They aren’t even friends, really, it’s nothing like our Baelon’s relationship with Rhaenyra. But the second he finds out Aerys is abusing her, he’s a dead man.

Which is a difficult decision, no doubt, because Baelon does care about his brother in his own way, but he has been watching him spiral further and further into madness every year. And now his unhappy marriage has turned into an abusive one, and Visenya tells him that Rhaella cries in the night??

Baelon very cheerfully decides to become a kinslayer, and Visenya is basically like “okay babe be safe love you”

I’m not sure how exactly he’d manage it, being as Aerys was so damned paranoid about everything and everyone, but he’d find a way. Single-handedly saving the Targaryen dynasty by murdering his brother before he can kill Ned Stark’s dad and brother, before Rhaegar takes Lyanna. Rhaegar probably isn’t even married to Elia yet.

Downside, Dany and Viserys won’t exist because their dad is dead well before they’re supposed to be born.

Now, the real question after this is Rhaegar.

Rhaegar was reportedly very uneasy about his father but hoping to just wait him out, since Tywin was handling matters of ruling pretty well, and he didn’t want to have to move against his father. But I don’t think that would be enough to make him be like “yeah okay unc, fair enough, you’re good”, especially since Aerys wouldn’t have yet reached the height of his madness. At the very, very, very least he’d get sent to the wall, but it’s way more likely he’d be executed.

Visenya can’t go to the wall, and they can’t be together if Baelon is dead, so they must likely bolt immediately after he kills Aerys and do not come back. Unlike when they do this as Aegon V’s children, they are never going to be able to just sit still and live. They are going to spend the rest of their lives running, and whether they get caught or not entirely depends on how viciously Rhaegar decides to chase them.

Or at least a good bit of their lives, until the Long Night comes and Rhaegar has bigger problems to worry about because Baelon might have accidentally made it so the prince(ss) who was promised was never born.

(I am a firm believer that it is Dany, but I know that is only a theory so decide on that how you will.)

Rhaegar’s siblings:

This is the one case where I think that Baelon and Visenya would fight for the throne, less because they want it or care but because of the murder of their family.

I think it would be interesting if they and Dany were triplets because of the whole three-headed dragon thing, but it’s more likely they were born between Viserys and Dany.

(If they were closer in age to Rhaegar, Baelon would be on the battlefield with him and Visenya back with Elia at the Keep, so they would both be dead.)

The thing is that Baelon and Viserys are constantly at each other’s throats, because Viserys is a nasty little shit who thinks he’s special. Baelon is younger than him, and, like Aemond, he’s small until he hits puberty and has several gigantic growth spurts. Viserys is older and bigger, so for a long while of their childhood Baelon can’t really do anything when one of them “wakes the dragon” and their brother has a fit.

Once he does suddenly shoot up to significantly bigger than Viserys, the dragon wakes a lot less.

Shocker.

Viserys also initially wants to sell Visenya to the Dothraki, and when Baelon immediately has a knife pointed at him, he tells him if it isn’t Visenya then it will have to be Dany. And Baelon looks at Dany and Visenya, kind of huddled up against each other, and Dany’s thirteen. She’s a baby. His baby sister, and he loves her so much, he does.

He loves Visenya more.

He never really forgives himself for it.

He spends most of his time very drunk for a while after Dany is married, or lurking near Visenya because he’s very suspicious of the khalasar. Fights with Viserys a lot more.

Has to shove his head into a bucket of water and scream when he finds out his little sister, tiny and small and so fucking young, is pregnant. Visenya holds him, but sometimes he catches her looking at Dany with this guilt on her face.

And they both know they would be dead already, if they’d let Visenya be the one, because they couldn’t stay apart and Drogo would have caught them together, but it doesn’t make it easier.

When Viserys is killed, Dany turns to look at him. With her big eyes and her soft face, and she’s looking at him like she expects him to do something, and Baelon isn’t even thinking when he kneels.

Visenya only looks at him for a moment before she kneels too.

(“You are the elders,” Dany said, uncertainly, later that night.

“And you,” said Baelon, “are khaleesi.”)

They are, admittedly, not that upset when Drogo dies. Delighted, a little, in fact, though they hurt to see Dany hurt. She does not see the atrocities that they see when they think of her marriage, because she is young and thinks she knows love.

Baelon has never heard his sisters scream the way that they do when the baby dies.

He has never screamed the way he screams when Dany walks into the pyre.

(He has never wept the way he weeps when she walks back out.)

There are three Targaryens for three dragons, and, wherever Dany goes, it’s with Baelon on her right and Visenya on her left. It’s love, for the most part, and it’s guilt for what they allowed to happen to her, but it is loyalty as only dragons can show it.

Three dragons conquered Westeros once, and three dragons do the same all over again.

I hope this kind of answers what you were asking for?? It was fun to think about :)

[futurefishy]

the thing is there *is* something to be said for acknowledging that there is no clear, universal boundary between childhood and adulthood. There has, is, and always will be a foggy grey area of where adulthood starts, and for legal reasons we have to draw that line somewhere, and there are arguments around where that line should be, and for what things.

[as i understand it from what i was taught in uni] people in their early 20s have some of the same impulsivity and impaired decision making as teenagers, and by your mid-to-late 20s that goes away, because frontal lobe development is still going on in a big way. *obviously* your brain is never "done" developing, you can learn new things at any age and brain plasticity diminishes over time but never completely goes away (hence why its much *easier* to learn at a younger age but learning doesn't stop at any point).

BUT none of that information is actually a reason to restrict the rights of young people any more than they already are. Its messy, and often only presented from a biological/physiological perspective, when its just as possible the reason we see that development and increase in perceived maturity between 18 and 25 is that those are the years during which (at least in developed, western states where most of this research takes place) there is a big increase in independence. I'm 25 right now. I didn't feel particularly "grown up" until I was maybe 24. But that could be because by that point, I'd gotten, worked at, and been made redundant from one job, and had started at another. There's just a lot of *life* that happens between 18 and 25, so of course you come out of that more mature. But someone else could have had that experience at 18, or 15, or 30, or whatever. And while I feel more mature now, I wasn't incapable of making important decisions before now. I made important decisions throughout my teens and early adulthood that I cannot take back, and that is true of literally every person who has ever lived on planet earth.

I think the brain development angle matters less than maybe we think it does, because the argument TERFs are making is *incredibly* disingenuous (like all their arguments). No one is proposing that we change the voting age from 18 to 25, that we change the drinking or smoking age from 18 to 25, that we change the age of consent from *16* to 25, that we change the age to get a tattoo from 18 to 25 or that we change the age to consent to any *non-transition related healthcare* from "it depends [1]" to 25. Ffs, in the UK the age of criminal responsibility is *10*. A 10 year old is deemed mature enough to suffer legal consequences, but JKR's bezzie mates aren't taking to twitter to demand that little billy isn't old enough to understand the ramifications of shoplifting from sainsbury's.

[1] officially the age to consent to your own medical care is 16, but the UK has this thing called "Gillick competancy", where, on a case-by-case basis, a doctor can decide if someone under 16 is competent enough to overrule parental consent. This was put into question *by TERFs* in the Bell v Tavistock case, in which the court seemed to imply that trans children were not Gillick competent as a matter of demographic, which as you can imagine caused some debate from legal scholars (because "this law applies differently to X demographic" is a fucking insane thing for a judge to imply). Gillick competency is a very important legal standard, both for children's rights and (actual, not trans excluding radical) feminists because it allows children with restrictive/bigoted/stupid parents to access health care on their own e.g. getting an abortion, accessing contraception (like the pill/IUD etc.), getting vaccines if their parents are weirdo anti-vaxxers, getting tested for STIs, or any other medical treatment they don't want their parents to know about for whatever reason.

I honestly believe transphobes would have gone for adult transition care whether this "not done developing til 25" idea existed or not. They were already going for it, whether by making GIC wait lists so long that many people *die* having never had a first appointment, or JKR's stupid "award winning" article where she claimed a lot of trans men were just "poor, confused autistic girls" because of course she had to throw some ableism in there and say autistic people are too stupid to make our own decisions. Whether its death by bureaucracy or a return to "transness is a mental illness", they are and were attacking transition for adults either way. The brain development thing is just a convenient add-on to their "think of the children" shit. Its been said before by many many people (because its right), TERFs are just recycling 80s Thatcher fear-mongering about gay men, because things are getting worse and everyone loves a scapegoat. I don't think its a coincidence that there's a "think of the children" panic as child poverty sky-rockets in this country. "Think of the children" but don't think about the real problem, think about this imagined threat from a societal other.

The transphobe, but especially TERF, preoccupation with "irreversible damage" is, I think, insincere; or if sincere, very, very ,very stupid. Probably both. Everything is irreversible at the end of the day. Life is irreversible.

[loyalestmunch]

11.19.23

actually the loneliest ive ever felt. i dont have a best friend. the two friends that i do have both have boyfriends n are preoccupied with them. im always in my room. im always in my four walls. i dont have a life outside of here. and i hate it so much.

i dont have someone i can spontaneously visit whenever i want anymore. i dont have a safe person that will always make time for me. if im sad, i dont have someone to go to. and it fuckiing sucks.

what sucks even more is when i sleep until 5 pm and check my phone to zero notifications. ts makes me go right the fuck back to sleep

i made an editing acc on tt. its cool its got like 70 smth followers so far. i really fucking hope i can make friends on there. but like. everyone in the editing community is like. 15 or 16. it just sux i used to edit at those ages too but now here i am at 18 (almost 19!) crawling back to the editing community to maybe find even a small glimpse of the happiness it gave me when i was younger. but nothing beat the feeling of dreaming of an edit in ur head all day.... waiting till school got out... running (literally) home to whip ts up on video star before i forgot it and then uploaded it and shared it amongst my little editing friends. and then i'd stay up late until 2 am or so watching and saving other edits i thought were cool. even in quarantine, i found joy in editing. november 2020 was actually the worst year of my life but also the best i miss it so much i miss the plethora of friends i used to have fuck. i miss playing identity v otp all night long with ray, i miss playing genshin in vc and doing stupid shit and farming for artifacts for hours on end with jazzy and tason and ray and gabby. my poor ipad wld overheat and my fingerprints would burn from dragging them across the hot screen but i didnt care . it was fun.

edit im not done i have more things i want to reminisce about .

ive been rewatching rick and morty and keeping up with the new seasons in the same sense that i watched it in middle school and now im crawling back to see if it brings me the same joy. and it does !. for the most part. but since justin got fired rip there's new voice actors. and it's fine honestly i dont care that much im still gna watch it but i hate how everythings changing. 13 year old me cldnt begin to fathom rick and morty losing (one of its) most renowned creator(s). like fuck. he voiced RICK AND MORTY. BOTH. like holy fuck. but its fine i guess the writings still kinda the same and the show is funny and makes me happy. i wish i had someone i cld take with me everywhere like my own little morty . i need friends.

i also miss the essence of boxed fettuchine(???) alfredo while watching r/m or camp camp at gammys house. ts was fire

i miss the roblox theme park tycoon and the chocolate cake we made that day and ate. it was so good.

i miss the lego game my cousin and i wld play. we didnt even do anything my mind just couldnt believe an open map game i haad so much fun just walking around and looking and doing absolutely nothing. and eating reheated pizzahut. and mcdonalds cookies. and funfetti boxed cake.

i miss when i had my phone taken when mom and i stayed at gammys when parents almst got divorced and i used her old iphone 5 she forgot she gave me and i had my little fandom acc on insta with my little mooties and friends and the warmth of gammys house in november fuck i miss it all i miss growing up so much i hate being an adult. i cant fucking have fun sober i dont have friends im alone nearly every single day i dont have friends in college i dont ta\lk to anyone i fucking just show up and leave without removing my earbuds.

and i know its my fsult. i know im the reason why i dont have friends. im the only reason why im like this. i only do it to myself.

im so alone and i just keep fucking regressing to find happiness because there's none here in present day thats for sure !

[wilwheaton]

favorite goncharov character

Goncharov! Holy shit I haven't thought about Goncharov in YEARS!

I remember seeing it at the Vista theatre downtown in ... I want to say 1983? It was either 82 and I was 10, or 83 and I was 11. Now that I think about it, it must have been Spring of 83. I remember that Kimmy Mendini was my babysitter, and she drove my friend Ahmed and me all the way downtown to see Goncharov. She would have been at least 16, but I feel like she was a little older. I remember that she LOVED movies and just never stopped talking about European cinema.

Ha! I can still her her sort of roll "Cinema" out of her mouth. Movies were for the masses to watch, while sophisticated adults experienced Cinema. I'm just realizing now that she absolutely pronounced it with a capital C. She was like "you are so lucky to see a clean print of Goncharov!"

I had no idea what a clean print was, but I understood it was important and impressive.

She had read about this screening in the LA Weekly, which I didn't know at the time was TREMENDOUSLY subversive in our suburban part of Los Angeles County, and we were going to an old theatre in maybe not the greatest part of town, but Kimmy had been watching me since I was in second grade and was like my big sister. I knew we'd be safe with her.

That old theatre (which is now a fucking swap meet) was just so beautiful inside. 100 foot ceilings, box seats, gold paint and murals. It felt like a place you went to experience Cinema, but, like ... it had absolutely seen better days. I remember that I felt kind of bad for the place, a little embarrassed, like when I got a good grade and accidentally made eye contact with a friend who got a D.

Okay. This clearly hit a memory artery, and I appreciate you staying with me this far, when we finally get to the fireworks factory. We're walking up to the box office, and she tells Ahmed and me that we have to wait on the sidewalk, because *technically* it's rated R, and she's not our legal guardian, but what does this guy making two bucks an hour know about art anyway?

So we wait. She buys the tickets, and then we all walk in as casually as we can.

I remember how scared I was that we were going to get caught and they'd call the cops (that's how it worked in my anxiety-ridden brain), but literally nobody cared. The theatre wasn't even half full, and everyone there was a dude at least as old as my parents.

You know the story, so I don't have to recount all of it, but I can at this very moment remember how shocked I was when Bruno was shot. This was the first time, ever, I had felt an emotional connection to a character. I didn't cry when Bambi's mother was shot, I didn't cry when ET died, I didn't cry E V E R.

But when Bruno died? I didn't make a sound. I just silently wept. Tears just poured down my face and I wanted to roll back time, rewrite the movie, and get him out of that room.

I obviously understand now, all these years later why I connected to him and why his story meant and means so much to me, but at the time I had no idea. I just thought the actors were that good.

I can't believe that guy who played him died so young. I think he was like 40? I remember thinking that was old. Now I know different.

When the movie was over, Kimmy asked us how we liked it. Ahmed was obsessed with the photography (he grew up to be an illustrator), and I obviously had my Bruno Moment.

We got Thrifty ice cream on the way home and listened to Donna Summer in her Datsun.

I haven't thought about Goncharov or Cinema or Kimmy in FOREVER. Leave it to Tumblr to boost my nostalgia check to a natural 20.

tl;dr: Bruno. I know he's supposed to be that character we all hate, and there are so many valid reasons for that. But when I was 12 ... well, I was a different person.

Oh! And now that I know what a "clean print" is, having seen so many "dirty prints" in revival houses before they all turned into swap meets or churches (hey, two places where people sell you stuff and take your money!), I retroactively appreciate it in a way that would make Kimmy happy.

Thanks for the trip into the crumbling mall that is my childhood memories. I haven't been here in awhile and it was nice to visit.

[hadesisqueer]

When I was 6 or 7, I met one of my best childhood friends, let's call her V. V and I continued to be attached to the other's hip until I was like 12. Then, we entered ESO, and things changed. We developed different interests. We got other friend groups, and hung out a lot less.

I had another best friend who we're gonna call N. We met when we were like 5, right after she'd moved here from her country, Colombia. We were pretty close and attached to the hip, too. But when we were 12, she had to move back to Colombia. At first, after she left, we chatted every day, but as months passed, we talked less and less.

Okay, V and I became pretty different people as teens. We didn't talk the same way we used to. But we still talked, and liked each other, and loved each other. We still talk. Even now that she lives in a different city due to college, we still chat and ask each other how the other is doing. She tells me how stressed she is about med school, I tell her a bit about my other friends and how I'm struggling with finishing high school (I'm two years behind) and she encourages me. We gossip about our old classmates. During the holidays, when she's here, we hang out. Damn, I turned 20 not long along and like a week after my birthday, when she was here during spring break, we met up and we celebrated it at this pizzeria we loved going when we were younger. And we caught up, and had a fucking blast.

N moved back to Spain two years ago, although to the other side of the country, again, due to college. We don't talk as much, but we're still in contact and care about each other. She was the first person I told I was questioning my sexuality when I was 14, and she supported me. When her brother passed away when we were 16, I was there for her. She still asks me for boy advice like when we were 12 (because she says that even if I'm a lesbian I'm still better with this stuff than her). We gossip about our old classmates as well. She still has some family living here in my town, so she comes here every sixth months or so, and the first thing she does when she knows the exact date is tell me, and we agree to meet up and catch up.

Whenever I meet with her or V, I see how much things has changed between us but still feels the same when we're together. Which is why I found the Amphibia epilogue so relatable.

I understand why some people would be upset that Sasha, Anne and Marcy were different and drifted apart during all those years. But honestly? That's life. They grew up and like Anne said, things change, and that's okay. They're still close enough to know what the others are doing, and to decide to come and surprise Anne for her 23rd birthday. And look at the way Marcy and Sasha interacted, with the same closeness, as if they'd never been apart. Or how Anne literally teared up when she saw them. And that picture at the end of the credits--

Being friends with someone doesn't mean you have to talk to the other every day, and see them all the time. It means you're there for the other when it matters, and realizing that while things may change between you, the bond you have is still the same. And to me, that is much more meaningful that if they'd still been the same for those ten years.

[redhead-batgal]

extreme angst: propmpt 6 for damian wayne

Type: Fic

Part Two: Here, Part Three: Here

Pairing: Fem! Vigilante! and Meta! Reader x Damian Wayne/Robin

Prompts: ⚔6: “Trust me when I say I don’t need you to tell me I’m worthless. I already know it.”

Content: Mentions of depressive thoughts, cursing, violence, ANGST, mentions of hospital patients being badly treated [very briefly more implied then anything], and an aged up Damian 16/17 yrs old.

Word Count: 6,577 words

Y/N: Your Name, L/N: Last Name, V/N: Vigilante Name

(P.S. I contemplated writing a happy ending for this, but the angst was so strong! This may or may not have yanked me down a dark and very angsty rabbit hole 😂😈)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The things that construct human life are not simple things like desire and needs. Nor is it wants and cravings. No, the things that construct life are the beliefs and ideals people have and carry with them. After all, without what we believed in, what would we be?

You believed in a lot of things, you believed in fate, in destiny, you believed that everyone had the potential for greatness. However, with a trail of failures and mistakes following you, you were having a harder time believing you were destined for anything other than being a royal fuck up. 

Failing, it seemed, was the only thing you were good at. While of course you were a meta, but your abilities weren’t exactly useful. In fact with the powers that you had, you were surprised you didn’t realize you were a fuck up before. 

Illusions, while they can be useful if one knows where and when to use them, can be detrimental to a mission if you don’t. Which unfortunately was your case. 

You could make butterflies dance across your fingertips, snow fall to the ground while the sun was still shining, but when it came to combat, when it came to actually fighting and saving people. You were useless. 

Even though you knew this, and you were fairly sure the bats knew it, they put you on their patrol. To make matters even worse, you were paired with Robin. He not only seemed to think putting you on the patrol was a mistake, but so was your existence. You couldn’t really blame him, after all he had to practically carry all the dead weight you were. 

It didn’t matter how much Bruce Wayne- Batman, had you practice, your powers never really seemed to get any better. You couldn’t hold illusions for longer than a few minutes and it seemed the more you practiced the weaker you got. It didn’t help that news of your parents hadn’t changed in the past few years.

Your father had been missing for nearly three years and your mother was in a mental hospital due to taking a face full of Joker gas that had been meant for you. Your guilt had been eating away at you ever since.  

Sometimes you wondered what would have happened if you had never been born. Would your father still be missing? Or would he and your mother be together, comfortable somewhere in Gotham. Humming as they rocked their new baby to sleep. 

Sometimes you wondered if you were important, if you were worth anything at all. If it would matter if you were just to disappear like your father did, if anyone would actually miss you or if you would just be another person the void decided to claim. 

And after your most recent patrol, you were leaning more towards the latter then the former. You had messed up, though it hadn’t technically been your fault, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. 

Looking out the window, you watched as rain spilled down outside, splattering against the window. The only sounds were the storm raging outside, it was almost as if the memories of the previous night were calling to you, wanting you to relive them. Wanting you to feel like a failure all over again. 

Closing your eyes, you let the steady sound of the rain send you spiraling into the past. 

It was a cool night, patrol had been relatively quiet, of course almost all patrols you were on were quiet. Somehow, Batman seemed to find the perfect days to send you out where no action at all would occur. While this upset and infuriated Robin, you were delighted. No action meant there was no way you could screw anything up. 

Unfortunately, this was one night Batman was wrong. 

Sitting atop a roof of some building, you entertained yourself by making little fireflies and sparkles appear and swirl between your fingers. Robin, on the other side of the roof, was getting irritated at your attempts to get rid of your boredom.

“Would you cease with your parlor tricks? Those lights are going to give away our position.” 

You had rolled your eyes and let one sparkle drift towards him before disappearing with a pop. He glared at you and you had to fight off a smile at his frustrated looks. 

Spending months on patrol with him had made you learn that he was very easy to irritate. And since one of his favorite pastimes was bad mouthing you, irritating him every once in a while seemed like an even payback. 

However, he was right. Your little light show could cause a criminal or something else to find out where you were. So you made the fireflies and sparkles disappear in an instant. It was an instant too quickly. 

Almost automatically after your illusions disappeared gunshots rang out and you heard Robin shouting at you to get down. A sharp pain strunk your arm and you slammed against the roof. Blinking you watched as Robin vaulted over the edge of the building and towards whoever was shooting at you. 

With your heart rate picking up in your chest, you shook away your shock and began trying to crawl to a spot where you could get to your feet and attempt to help. As you crawled you heard shouting and your nerves spun in your stomach.

Crawling would take forever, by the time you made it to a safe place, the fight would be over. And while you would have enjoyed that, leaving Robin on his own felt like a real dick move. So you closed your eyes for a moment and wished, prayed, hoped that you’d be able to get up safely. 

Opening your eyes you looked and saw across the way, Robin wrestling with someone, a man. He was wearing dark clothing and something about what he was wearing, the way he moved, it was familiar. Behind Robin someone- another man dressed in dark clothing was sneaking up behind him. 

Your heart leapt into your throat and you found yourself hurtling forwards. With barely any thoughts in your head besides the fear that your partner’s, one of the very few people who you knew wouldn’t hate you if you continued to fuck up, life was in danger. 

Jumping across the rooftop you slammed against the man and the two of you went flying. The man let out a grunt and you heard a scuttle behind you but ignored it as the man and you rolled. 

You slammed right against the edge of the roof, bouncing away from the edge you got slammed against the ground and the man glared at you for a second. Then he blinked almost in surprise and you took the opportunity to kick him off of you. 

The man was launched to his feet and stumbled backwards towards the side of the roof. You watched for a moment before he fell over it. Your stomach flipped and you scrambled over only to spot the man’s hand gripping the edge. 

As his hand began to slip you reached out and grasped onto it, the man snarled at you and began trying to pull you down with him. Pulling up slightly you tried to get the man back onto the roof. 

The man swung his free hand at the two of yours pulling him up. A glint caught your eye and it told you that he was holding a knife. Shaking him slightly you tried to dodge the blade all while not letting him go. 

“Would you stop that?” You hissed shaking him again, “I’m trying to save your life you fucking idiot!” 

For a second the man froze then you heard a slight zinging, something stabbed into your hand, the pain was like a fire facing across your hand and up your arm. But, you closed your eyes wincing in pain. But refusing to let go, you pushed through the pain and continued to try and pull the man up. 

“You won’t fall, you can’t die, I won’t let you!”

You couldn’t let someone die because of you, that was a mistake- a mess up- a failure you were sure you couldn’t come back from. 

For a moment you felt as if you were gaining some leverage and were going to be able to pull the man back onto the roof. However he was too heavy and you began to slip over the edge. Giving you a strange look the man muttered something under his breath in a different language. He then swung his free hand up stabbing the blade he held into your other hand, the pain was different then the other hand. It was more intense like a white hot ball of fire, blazing and stinging. A gasp escaped you and finally your grip began to slip. 

Letting out a slight yelp, you felt the man pulling his hand from yours. As he began to fall you felt his hand slip and you launched forwards almost over the edge trying to regrip the man’s hand. 

“NO!” 

Your fingers were a hair away from getting his when you felt hands on your waist and you were suddenly yanked away from the edge. Your stomach slid back over the lip and you fell harshly onto the roof. Breathing somewhat heavily you stared at the edge feeling your entire body shaking. 

That man had just died, and it was all your fault. Your hands felt warm and sticky, both wrought with pain and the world seemed to be spinning rapidly. You could hear your heartbeat in your ears and everything seemed to be playing along to it’s drumming. 

Thump, Thump, thump

“V/N.” 

The man fell again, all while you reached out almost helplessly trying to catch him. 

Thump, thump, thump

“V/N...  V/N are you alright?”

Your hands grasped his and he looked up at you confused and slightly angry, you could feel the breath slamming against your chest almost dying to leave your throat.

Thump, thump, thump

“What’s going on?”

“Is she okay?”

The man tried to stab you and you felt the pain of the impact- no, you yelled at him...didn’t you?

Thump, thump, thump

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s gone into shock.”

The next slice, your own cries as the man slipped from your grip, going hurtling towards the black asphalt below.

Thump, thump, thump

“Oh my go- her hands...”

“We need to do something! She’s losing it.”

The determination on the man’s face as he swung the blade at your hand, the slight satisfaction in his eyes as he watched you scream over his fall.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump-

“Y/N!”

You blinked, the sound of your heartbeat fading, the pain in your hands almost intensified for a moment and you blinked again. Looking around you found the other vigilante’s surrounding you. Someone had your wrist in their grasp. 

Turning you found Black Bat examining your hands as Nightwing and Batgirl crouched near you. Behind them stood Robin, arms crossed, a very angry look on his face. 

His expression and stance reminded you of a time you had tried to climb a tree only to fall out of it and come home with a mangled arm and leaves in your hair. Your father had stood exactly like Robin was, glaring and brooding. Your mother had calmly helped you remove the leaves before asking. 

“Oh Miss Believer... what were you thinking?”

Blinking you shoved the memory away and tried to focus on getting up. However the second you tried to move both Nightwing and Batgirl stopped you. 

“What are you doing?” Nightwing asked as he shoved you back onto the roof.

Giving him an exasperated look you gestures vaguely before replying, “Getting up, patrol’s not over yet.” 

“Oh, no you’re not,” A voice in your ear said, Oracle, “have you seen your hands?”

Looking down you saw the matching blades protruding from each hand. Blinking it was then you realized that the blades were the reason why your hands were hurting. You sighed and looked up to find everyone, including Robin, looking at you. 

In your own opinion, it hurt like hell, but after your most recent fuck up you didn’t want to even think about quitting. It was bad enough you were a failure, you didn’t want to be a quitter as well.

“I’ll be fine,” You said with a shrug, “we can just pull out the blades and bandage them then I’ll be good as new.” 

Pretending what just happened didn’t affect you was difficult, but you wanted to seem as if you could keep on patrolling. After all you didn’t want everyone to stop just because of a few minor scrapes and yet another mess up of yours.

“That isn’t a good idea,” A new voice said in your ears, “looks like the blades are going all the way through to your palms.”

You flinched and blinked as you recognized the voice. 

“Fucking shit, when did you get here Red?”

No one laughed, instead they all gave you worried looks and you heard Red Robin sigh from the other side of the comm. 

“Just woke up from a power nap.”

“Five minutes isn’t a power nap Tim,” Oracle remarked. 

“It is when you’re me.” 

Hands were pulling you to your feet and you faintly heard a quiet discussion going on. Blinking you found Batgirl, Nightwing and most likely Oracle talking just a few feet from you as Black Bat helped you to your feet. 

“What are we going to do? Patrol is almost over, but someone needs to take her back to Agent A so he can fix her up.” Batgirl muttered.

“I can do it.” Nightwing offered as he placed a hand to his chest. 

Batgirl looked convinced and she nodded, however suddenly Oracle’s voice was in your ears, it seemed that she forgot to mute your comm. 

“Do you really want to leave the three of them alone?”

Nightwing nodded, “Valid point.”

“I can do it!” Batgirl remarked, shooting you a slightly excited look. 

“While I love your enthusiasm Steph, I don’t think you could safely get Y/N back here.” 

There was a moment of silence that followed Oracle’s comment and you felt a strange wave of dizziness wash over you. Your head began to spin and everything felt weird and fuzzy. 

Faintly you could hear voices talking but as your dizzy spell worsened it became harder and harder to make out what they were actually saying. Exhaustion mixed with the dizziness making it so you didn’t want to even try hearing anymore. Your vision began to go black as everything got heavy. 

However, when you felt hands on yours, then the sharp pain of, what you could only imagine was, the blades being pulled from your hands. Your vision cleared and you bit back a scream. 

“I’ll do it,” A gruff voice said, causing you to look up, “she is my partner after all.”

Standing right by you was Robin, a slightly upset look on his face and you sighed.

A loud bang yanked you from your memories and you blinked seeing a tree branch slamming against the window. Letting out a sigh you stared at your bandaged hands with a sigh. 

If you had been a little quicker, a little smarter, just more in general the man wouldn’t have died and you wouldn’t have gotten injured. 

The bandages looked a bit older, it had been a few days and while your hands still hurt you knew they were getting better. Another bang followed by a rattle caused you to pull your legs to your chest and rest your chin on your knees. 

You could hear the wind, from where you were in the manor, singing through the trees, it was a loud groaning and whistling. Something that you would have pretended was a choir of ghosts had you not been reliving yet another one of your failures.

You were just about to close your eyes and let the ghostly choir sing about your woes, when the door creaked open. Standing in the doorway was Dick, he saw you and he looked slightly relieved 

“Y/N.”

“Hi.”

You nodded in reply and watched as his gaze went to the window and he gave you a strange look. You had a bad habit of opening windows and propping open doors. However this time the window remained closed. 

“The window’s closed. Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, I didn’t want to get water everywhere cuz of the storm... What’s up? Is everything okay?” 

Dick blinked a few times, almost as if he realized you noticed his strange behavior. He smiled and nodded, but before he could speak Cass appeared behind him. She touched his arm and he relaxed even more. Turning back towards you he nods again this time holding out a hand. 

“Everything’s fine. Alfred just needs to check your bandages. Come on, he’s down in the batcave.”

At first you hesitated, something was going on. But after a moment’s thought, you realized that going down to the cave could give you more answers then trying to interrogate Dick here and now. Nodding you slid your legs away from your chest and stood up. 

Following Dick and Cass you headed down to the cave. With Barbara and Tim both at the Bat computer, Steph and Jason talking and Damian, whose shoulders dropped slightly when you entered the room, brooding next to Bruce it seemed nearly everyone was here. More then likely Harper was out of town and Duke was busy, which as of late was usual. 

Alfred appeared from around a corner carrying a tray with bandages and what you assumed was some kind of salve. Gesturing to a table, Alfred began walking towards it. You followed him and hopped up onto the table. Holding out your hands you watched as everyone began chatting quietly. With Barbara and Tim pointing and talking about something on the computer screen. 

You blinked as you noticed an image on the screen. It was of a man in dark clothing, almost identical to the men who had attacked you a few days before. Clearing your throat, you looked back down at your hands. 

Either they knew things and were keeping them from you, or they were still investigating. You wanted to know, wanted to know who they were and the man- why he had chosen to die rather than live. 

“Did you guys,” You began capturing Barbara’s attention, “ever figure out who attacked us the other day?” 

The room went quiet and your stomach flipped, they were keeping something from you. You watched as everyone began to share looks. It, whatever they were keeping a secret, either had to do with how you had killed- how the man had died or had to do with you in some way. That or they had lost complete and total trust in you. Which at this point you wouldn’t doubt. 

The room stayed quiet for a bit longer and then Tim and Barbara shared a look before she looked at you and said, “Yes, we did. They were assassins from the league of assassins.”

You blinked in surprise and raised an eyebrow as you asked, “Why would they be here? Did someone put a hit out on one of us? Does... Does-”

“They were here to collect someone, not kill them.” Damian says, causing you to look at him, his expression was dark and you couldn’t help but feel he blamed you for this. 

Looking away from him you tried to get answers from someone else. However everyone was either avoiding your gaze or they were giving you hopeless looks. You swallowed heavily, letting out a breath as you looked down and watched for a moment as Alfred brushed the salve onto one of your hands.

“Who?” The question tumbled from you as you began to think more about the assassins, “The only person I could think would be-”

Your gaze drifted back towards Damian and he shook his head. You looked around at everyone and finally Tim answered you, “It’s not him.” 

“Okay, then who is it?”

More silence followed and you were getting frustrated, a tiny part of you hurt, thinking that they were keeping secrets from you. It made you think that they didn’t need you, not really. You met everyone’s gaze, going about the room. Practically begging someone with your eyes to tell you something. You ended at Damian and he raised his chin.

“You.”

Your heart stopped in your chest and you froze. You were ninety-nine percent sure that your jaw had dropped. You waved your hands causing Alfred to sigh. Shaking your head to ignore him and stammering out. 

“What? why?”

“It appears my mother has learned of your ability to manipulate people’s minds.”

His words sent a chill over you and you went stiff. For a second you saw your mother in a hospital bed, her hand reaching out towards your before you pushed the memory away. 

“... I can put illusions in people’s memories and minds.” You state glaring at Damian, “ And I haven’t done that since the hospital.”

Damian rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms and replied, “You did it nonetheless.”

“You didn’t see how they were treating my mother.” You began feeling a wave of anger wash over you as you fought off images- memories of her in pain, “What else was I supposed to do? They were acting like she and others who have been affected by the Joker gas didn’t matter! Doing that was one of the few good things I’ve done.”

No one met your gaze as you felt your heart pick up again. They didn’t agree with what you had done. In reality you hadn’t expected them to, you wanted so badly to believe that, that was the one thing you hadn't messed up on. But, the more you thought about it and the longer it got since you had done it the more you doubted it wasn’t another fuck up. 

“You were controlling people.”

For a moment you saw a man in a white coat with a sinister smile on his face and glasses on his nose. Then you saw his hand reaching out to you as nurses came into the room. You were dragged back as he smiled at you, almost laughing.

A fury and sense of fear raced through you, you could still feel the hands of the nurses and aids on your arms. Still feel them yanking you backwards. Your heart beat faster and faster, your breathing picked up.

“I was doing what I had to protect people who couldn’t defend themselves!” You shouted as you felt tears beginning to form in your eyes.

Your lungs ache suddenly, just like they did back then. Your body was fighting against the nurses, you felt cuffs on your wrists. The room went dark and you were all alone. You screamed and shouted but no one listened, your voice went hoarse as you kept screaming. 

People with needles, pills and masked nurses. Images and people flashed before your eyes, but then a sharp pain in your hand brought you back to the present. 

Cass and Steph looked concerned, Jason had a knowing glint in his eyes and both Tim and Barbara had gone still at the computer. 

“Not that it matters though,” You continued, closing your eyes, “I can’t do it anymore.” 

People in ski masks appear in front of your eyes and you were in an abandoned warehouse. You saw the doctor, his smile and a man in a suit next to him. A fire was in your veins and you felt your powers flooding through you. Illusions, strong ones had leapt from you and you watched as  the illusions tore through the doctor and the suit’s minds. It felt as if a part of you was torn open and ripped to bits, as if you were never going to be the same and you were bleeding out as you lost something precious and vital. Then you saw your mother’s unconscious figure, a machine helping her breathe, You took her hand and began to cry. 

You shuttered at the memory as you fought back tears in the present, then felt a pain in your hands.

“Miss Y/N please stop moving.” 

You blinked back into reality seeing Alfred trying to bandage your hand back up. Nodding you wince and quickly apologize, “Sorry.”

“It’s quite alright Miss Y/N.” Alfred said with a sigh as he continued to wrap up your hands. 

You noticed, as you looked up from your hands, that a bunch of them were all in their costumes. 

“Well,” Dick began shooting you a strange look, “we have patrol to go out on.” 

Alfred finished bandaging your hands and pulled away from you. You hopped off of the table and began walking towards the other vigilantes. 

“I’ll come with you.” 

Dick shook his head and sighed as he and Cass walked towards you. Placing his hand on your arm he began to guide you towards the stairs. “No, you’re hurt and assassins are after you.”

“It won’t do me any good to be sitting on my ass waiting to be kidnapped!” You exclaimed, stepping away from him, suddenly angry, “Besides it’s not like I’m any safer here. What do I have here that I won’t have out there?’”

For a moment Dick blinked and looked almost as if he agreed. However Tim called from the other side of the batcave. 

“Alfred’s here.”

You paused, your shoulders dropping and the anger leaving you fairly quickly as you turned towards Alfred. He was cleaning up different things around the bat cave. For a moment you remembered the rumors spread around Gotham. Ones that said to never mess with Alfred Pennyworth, or his family, if you did there would be hell to pay.

“Alright you got me there.” You sighed.

You watched for a moment then noticed Damian strapping on the extra bat gadgets that he needed for the night. A wave of shock washed over you and you crossed your arms, your jaw dropping 

“Wait, Damian’s going? Then I should go. He’s my partner!”

Damian turned towards you, a very dark look on his face. He took a step forward and shook his head. 

“No,” He growled, “you’re staying here.”

“That’s not fair!” You snapped at him, nearly stomping your foot, “Nor is it right! Who's going to cover you if I’m not there?” 

You had moved forward so you were closer to him. Leaning forward you stared him in the eyes determined to find out the answer. There was no way you were going to leave your partner high and dry. No matter how much you messed up or how badly. 

“Anyone really.” He replied.

You flinched and noticed a slight tick on his face, almost as if he was flinching as well. Taking a step back you let out a breath. Looking away from him you shook your head, locking your jaw as you scoffed. Part of you wondered why you ever believed that Damian would do anything other than badmouth you. 

If even your partner didn’t think you could cover him- if he didn’t think you were worth something out in the field, were you actually important? Were you actually worth something? Or did they just keep you around out of pity. 

“I’ve got it, don’t worry Y/N.” Tim said, capturing your attention, “ I’ll make sure the demon-spawn doesn’t get himself killed.” 

You nodded and it took you a moment to realize that he thought you were worried about Damian, which you were, however the fact that your worry was so evident made heat begin to flush on your face. Shooting everyone one last look you turned and walked towards the stairs cursing under your breath. 

You made it all the way up the stairs back into the library, closing the door with a huff. Throwing yourself into the chair you spin it back towards the window and cross your arms. You were pouting, or at least you were sulking. 

Damian, much to your dismay, was right when saying that anyone could cover him. You didn’t really cover him very well out on patrol, it didn’t matter if you did end up saving him a few times you always got stuck in a muddle afterwards which just caused even more problems. 

Wrapping your arms around your knees you glared out the window letting yourself focus on the storm. Imagining your anger being the rain and wind. Smashing against the house and trees, causing both to shudder. 

You sat for a while glaring at the window, slowly imagining a ring around yourself, at first it was a ring of thick ice and the room seemed to go cold. As the rain crashed against the house your ring got thicker and taller. 

You weren’t really important, you didn’t matter, you weren’t worth anything really. In the end you couldn’t do anything right. So why did the assassins want you anyways? What did they have to gain from you?

“Oh Miss Believer,” Your mother’s voice whispers, “what are you doing?”

The ice slowly melted as you began to realize something. You couldn’t get into people’s heads and plant illusions- control them, so what did you have to worry about really?

You could practically see fire curling around you and you heard the door creak open, then someone yelp in surprise. Spinning around you found Jason standing in the doorway smoke curling around him. He must have been smoking before he came into the library. When you spotted something in his arms you raised an eyebrow. 

“What’s-” Before you could finish Jason pressed a finger to his mouth.

“Sshhhhh.” He hissed.

You blinked a few times in confusion and he closed the door behind him, tossing what was in his arms at you, you looked down at it in confusion.

It, much to your surprise, was your vigilante costume. Looking up you found Jason by the window yanking it open. He gestured towards you to come near him. You blinked twice and slid off of the chair. 

“What are you doing?” You whispered.

Jason gestured towards the window and you shook your head even more confused. He sighed and shook his head. 

“I think you should go, you have every right to be out there with the demon-brat. Besides like you said, he’s your partner. And as far as I’ve seen, you’ve saved the brat’s ass more times than he’s saved yours.” 

You looked down at your costume, then you looked back up at him. Eye widening, you blinked a few times. Opening your mouth you went to say something to him but he shook his head. He pointed to the window and began walking towards the door.

“I’m going to buy you a few minutes, now go.” 

Before you could reply, Jason opened the door and closed it behind him with a click. You looked down at your suit and gave it a thoughtful look before looking at the window. 

Why not? After all you couldn’t really fuck anything else up right?

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The rain had slowed to a sprinkle by the time you made it into the city with your mask on. You jumped onto a roof and stopped to look around when you felt a hand on your shoulder spinning you around. 

“What are you doing here?” Robin seethed as he dragged you away from the edge of the roof. 

Rolling your eyes you yanked away from him and took a few steps back. Throwing your hands up in exasperation you shake your head. 

“Helping, obviously! It isn’t right that my partner is out here but I’m not.”

“You shouldn’t be here!” Robin snapped, he opened himself to continue but stopped himself and shook his head, “You-you are so infuriating.”

You turned away from him waving your hands as you momentarily mimicked him. 

“I thought it wouldn’t matter because I can’t” Making quotation marks with your fingers, ignoring the pain,  you continue, “ ‘control’ people anymore. I won’t matter to the league.”

He goes quiet causing you to turn around and face him. A look flashes across Robin’s face and he shakes his head. 

“You’re right,” He remarked somewhat bitterly, “Without that ability you are-”

You shake your head stopping him mid-sentence. You knew what he was going to say, he was going to tell you that you were worthless. That you didn’t matter. He was going to voice every single bad thought you have ever had about yourself. However, you valued him and his opinion and hearing him say it might actually break you. So you looked him in the eyes and said. 

“Trust me when I say I don’t need you to tell me I’m worthless. I already know it.”

Something flickers in his eyes but he doesn’t really react,

“.... My mother,” He began, giving you a neutral look, “will kill you if she discovers you don’t possess the ability anymore.”

Before you could stop yourself you rolled your eyes and remarked, “And? Maybe I’m better off dead. Maybe everyone will be better off if I’m dead.” 

Robin froze and the two of you stared each other down. You had meant the words, truly deeply meant them. They were something you hadn’t realized you felt, something you hadn’t realized you wanted to say. Wanted to get out.  Part of you felt empty, it felt hollow. Taking in a breath you felt ice crystals coating your skin, coating your heart. 

Robin took a step forward and you took a step back, your chest was aching and Before either of you could say anything else you heard a shout across the comm. 

“Hey Rob! We’re gonna need some help here.” Nightwing’s voice echoed into your ear.

Looking to your left you spotted Red Robin and Nightwing dashing across the rooftops with, what looked like, four dark figures following them. Robin cursed and shot you a quick glare, pointing at you he nearly hissed, 

“Stay where you are, do not move. Do you hear me V/N? Do not move.” 

Rolling your eyes you flipped him off, however he took that as a yes and went sprinting off. Anger raged in your veins that he had once again told you what to do. So, you followed him. 

The figures overtook Red Robin and Nightwing, causing a fight to break out on a rooftop not too far away from you. You leapt across rooftops till you skidded to a stop on the rooftop just next to the fight. 

Robin quickly joined in on the fight and you noticed  more of the assassins joined the fight. Your stomach flipped and you instinctively threw a hand out, pain racing across it as you stretched your wound. Light appeared quickly in front of them, they stumbled backwards, blinded.

Skidding across the roof you jumped over to the next nearest roof. From there you were able to see a better view of the fight and noticed that despite your light illusion the assassins had overcome being stun, fairly quickly. 

Your heart was picking up in your chest, you watched almost helplessly as the assassins and vigilante’s fought each other. Of course you wanted to jump into the fight, but you knew jumping in would only cause problems. If you jumped in, someone else might accidentally let their guard down trying to protect you. And there was no way in hell you were going to let that happen. 

It quickly began to appear that the vigilantes were outnumbered and out matched. The deaths of your friends and partner flashed before your eyes almost like a glimpse of the future. With your heart in your throat you zeroed in on one of the assassins, he had a blade raised and was swinging it towards an occupied Robin. A click almost rushed across you, you were linked to something, but you didn’t know what. 

Closing your eyes you focused on your memories and emotions, all the times you spent laughing and joking with the others. How happy they made you and how it felt good to be in a family again. The feelings of protectiveness, the love you felt for each of them. 

Grasping onto that you shoved it towards what you were linked to. You opened your eyes just in time to see the assassin stumble. Then suddenly he stood up straight and shook his head almost as if he was brushing something off. Then much to your shock he began fighting another assassin. 

Your heart skipped a beat and you froze, hands still out pain coursing through them as you moved your fingers. You took in a breath and watched in awe and shock as the assassin fought for the vigilantes even going as far as trying to get the fight away from them.

“What the fuck Y/N?” You heard in your ear as a slight sense of dread began to spread over you, “why did you sneak out?”

Oracle began to scold you, but you weren’t listening, instead you were focusing on the assassin helping out Nightwing, Red Robin and Robin. A slight twang rang through you and you realized what just happened. 

You had just planted your emotions and memories in the assassin’s head, they were illusions that would fade soon, but- but this meant you could still control-manipulate- plant illusions and suggestions in someone’s mind. 

You dropped your hands and the assassin dropped to the ground. Blinking you noticed how another assassin had noticed you, cursing you turned and began to run. 

They were going to come after you, you had to get away. You were useful now, a danger, this was just yet another one of your fuck ups. You couldn’t believe you deluded yourself into believing you could help. That you could have Robin’s back. All you were going to do was get him killed.

As you skidded across a roof, your foot slipped and you went over the edge. Grasping onto the roof’s lip you clung on for dear life as panic and fear raced through you. You could feel your wounds opening up again and pain was the only thing you felt. 

Letting out a slight gasp you tried to ignore it and hold on when a thought occurred to you. If you dropped, if you died, you wouldn’t be a problem anymore. You couldn’t cause problems for the bats or be a pawn for the league. If you were dead, you couldn’t fuck up anymore. As the pain got so intense it caused you to have trouble breathing you saw your mother’s face.

It was serene and she smiled at you softly, running her hand across your cheek. She pushed your hair behind your ear and sighed. 

“Oh Miss Believer,” She said, her eyes shining, “no matter what. I’ll always love you.” 

With that you closed your eyes and let go. Hoping and wishing that wherever you ended up you’d see your mom again and maybe your dad. You were a believer after all. But despite all you believed in, you couldn’t keep lying to yourself. 

You were trouble and a royal fuck up. Better off dead and better off gone. Without you everyone would be happier… wouldn’t they?

Oh Miss Believer. 

Goodbye. 

[callunavulgari]

“All the people living in, living in the world today Reunited by our love, reunited by our pain All the things that I've done and I've seen Still, I don't know, don't know what it means”

Heather’s Top 50 Songs of 2022

we don’t talk about bruno — encanto cast // behind the mask — ivy & gold // siren song — julian moon // storm song — phildel // my love — florence & the machine // a man without love — engelbert humperdinck // abcdefu — gayle // bones — imagine dragons // without you — ursine vulpine // start a riot — beginners // rule #1 magic — fish in a birdcage // drowning — radio company // to be human — marina // what will you leave behind — max ll // persephone in the garden — aidoneus // in the beginning — fahrenhaidt // all of you — encanto cast // love, maybe — melomance // in the flood — oleksa lozowchuk // the foundations of decay — my chemical romance // king — florence & the machine // dirty little animals — bones uk // burn — 2wei // running up that hill — kate bush // separate ways — journey // what could have been — sting, ray chen // back to the end — stars // gutt ch paranda — preet sandhu // dream — krutikov music // this is a life — son lux // free fall — slot machine // west coast — onerepublic // take control — old gods of asgard // sharks — imagine dragons // hadippa — pritam // around the world — a touch of class // pink venom — black pink //  teenage dirtbag — wheatus // i’m good (blue) — david guetta // talking to yourself — carly rae jepson // 我还记得那天  — shen yicheng // voidfish — rachel rose mitchell // glue — fickle friends // it’s alright — mother mother // wind blow — bone thugs-n-harmony // 回到山沟沟  — DJ何鹏版 // insane — black gryph0n // bloody mary — lady gaga // enter hallownest — christopher larkin // unholy — sam smith

short version | long version | spotify wrapped

short version is the link to what you see here, my helpfully abridged version. long version will lead you to the 265 song, 16 hour and 26 minute supercut playlist which i’ve been slowly cultivating since early january. spotify wrapped will lead you to a mixture of the long and the short version, which is honestly pretty accurate but does not helpfully represent my ear worms of the week.

under the cut is me ranting about music, like usual. enjoy!

i. we don’t talk about bruno || encanto cast seven-foot frame, rats along his back when he calls your name it all fades to black

I am so sorry, but this song had absolutely no reason to go as hard as it did. But it did, so we got the earworm that dogged my heels for about seventy percent of this year. No regrets, seriously, it’s a freaking banger. Also, all of the Tiktoks that were surfacing after Encanto was released made my absolute month. ii. behind the mask || ivy & gold holding on not letting go how can i feel alive again? in this darkness on my own.

I think that I originally found this one on one of my discover weekly playlists and it survived multiple prunings of my abridged playlist through the year, so it got to stay.  iii. siren song || julian moon 'cause i'm the granddaughter of a witch you never burned she taught me things that got me kicked out of church

Tiktok or Discover Weekly? Forever a mystery, but I LOVE this song so much. Has all the redhead energy, iv. storm song || phildel oh, despite the distance, you will see my footprints i will raise my flagpole, i will turn these tables 'round Another discover weekly find. Very much sirens and sailors vibes.  v. my love || florence & the machine there is nothing to describe except the moon still bright against the worrying sky i pray the trees will get their leaves soon Thing number 1: new Florence singles! Thing number 2: new Florence album! Thing number 3: guys, I got to see her in concert in September and she was fucking magical. The sheer amount of fey energy surrounding her was insane. She did the entire concert with her feet bare, hair messy, and she was so fucking resplendent. vi. a man without love || engelbert humperdinck every day I start out, then I cry my heart out lonely is a man without love

I had this song stuck in my head for AT LEAST a month after I finished Moonlight. It’s such a freaking earworm. Also! Good fanvids! vii. abcdefu || gayle A-B-C-D-E, F-U and your mom and your sister and your job and your broke-ass car and that shit you call art fuck you and your friends that i'll never see again everybody but your dog, you can all fuck off

I heard this for the first time with a bellyful of whiskey on the porch of my favorite irish bar on a very, very cold March night. The heat lamps sort of helped but mostly I was cold and buzzed and having very intense conversations about fucking astrology with some of my friends. I literally whipped my phone out to Shazam this mid-conversation. viii. bones || imagine dragons I-I-I got this feeling, yeah, you know where i’m losing all control 'cause there's magic in my bones Technically the first Imagine Dragons song that I fell in love with in 2022 was Enemy, however, I did manage to love this one (and one later down the list) MORE, so this one made it onto the abridged version and Enemy (sadly) did not. Also, here’s an Arcane fanvid! It’s REALY good. And while we’re at it, here’s a Marvel one too! Also really good! Music with good fanvids tend to stick to me like glue. ix. without you || ursine vulpine 'cause I don't want the world to turn without you and I don't want the sun to burn without you

I was so SO sure that I’d first heard this one from a fanvid, but I cannot for my life find it anywhere. Anyway, it’s a really beautiful song and SHOULD probably be in a fanvid if it isn’t already. x. start a riot || beginners arms to the sky screaming rah rah rah head to the side with a nah nah nod hit that switch make it hotter

Initially found the song on this multi-female fanvid back in April, and it really stuck with me. It’s got such great energy. xi. rule #1 magic || fish in a birdcage there is magic in this room i don't know if you can see it it's called love

I flew down to Florida in April and for some reason got the urge to write a drarry fic when I had ABSOLUTELY no way to write it. This song, for some reason, was the instigator. Anyway, I ended up writing it on my phone and posting it when I got back. xii. drowning || radio company hold the day make it through and fall into the light

A coworker of mine ended up finding out that Jensen Ackles of Supernatural had a band and then proceeded to listen to this song (and several others from the album) for I think a month? Two months? It did start getting bleak, but now that I’ve had time and distance, I do really enjoy this particular song. xiii. to be human || marina to be human, i want direction i wanna feel human again Marina! My one true love! This song is just? Beautiful. Haunting. Thought-provoking? It really, really leans hard into the nature of humanity and has made me cry on more than one occasion.  xiv. what will you leave behind || max ll under guiding starlit sky we will learn how to say goodbye

Speaking of crying - I played Spiritfarer this year. If you are unfamiliar, it is a breathtaking little indie game where you are a little girl who is also the grim reaper and you take care of spirits until they’re ready and then escort them to the afterlife. This game GUTTED me. It deals with a lot of hard subjects, the least of which is all the stages of grief. If you haven’t played it, trust me, play it. Be ready for a good cry though. xv. persephone in the garden || aidoneus did we lie in the soil with our arms and legs tangled up like the weeds and the branches of the trees that bound our souls and necks to the ground below?

I think this was another discover weekly, but god, it was a good one. I think the title speaks for itself concerning the subject material, but I was fresh out of my millionth playthrough of Hades and fell in love. xvi. in the beginning || fahrenhaidt and in the beginning when land touched the sea the earth was created around you and me Another discover weekly. The melody in this one is just *chefs kiss* xvii. all of you || encanto cast i may not be as strong but i'm getting wiser yeah, i need sunlight and fertilizer come on, let's plant something new and watch it fly

This song makes me weep every single time I listen to it. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since I heard it the first time. Doesn’t matter what kind of mood I’m in. It hits three distinct parts, first when the rest of the town comes to help them, then when Mirabel’s mother and father are talking about how far she’s come, then when they give her that doorknob. Just. Fuck. Guys, this movie hit me in all of the emotions. xviii. love, maybe || melomance 너의 즐거워하는 모습을 보고 있으면 자연스레 따라 웃고 있는 걸

I watched A Business Proposal on Netflix despite the fact that second-hand embarrassment makes me cringe so hard it hurts. Despite some rather significant moments where I had to pause it for several minutes and regroup, I actually REALLY liked it. It was very sweet, barring some little iffy moments here and there. The main characters had great chemistry. Also I would die for Young-seo. xix. in the flood || oleksa lozowchuk if i falter, if i fall the wave inside my soul carries all i know who can take my hand in the flood?

I played Horizon: Forbidden West in the late spring/early summer and it was everything I hoped it would be. Every corner of the world that you touch, all the side quests and stories. God, and the Vegas area? I really hope the third game is as good as the first two. Also! It does the thing! A himbo, a mean bisexual, and even meaner lesbian, he/theys and she/theys, a token straight that’s on thin ice, an astrology bitch who has everyone’s birth chart memorized, and a short king. If you’ve played the game, I’ll bet you already know which characters match what. xx. the foundations of decay || my chemical romance now, if your convictions were a passing phase may your ashes feed the river in the morning rays Can we talk about the religious experience that I had laying in my bed with the lights off and my headphones in the day that this song came out? I think I played it through four or five times before I took a break because I was crying. Yes, I am that MCR girl. No, I will not apologize. xxi. king || florence & the machine i need my golden crown of sorrow my bloody sword to swing my empty halls to echo with grand self-mythology Have I mentioned that I got to see her live? Have I mentioned that I cried? Did I talk about how she danced barefoot (yes) and spun and spun until she was dizzy (no). Did I talk about the tender moment that the cameras caught where she stroked some poor girl’s cheek and the entire audience got a first row seat to the naked adoration and longing in that girl’s face? How it was the closest I’ve come to witnessing someone come face to face with their god? How she walked, straight-backed and regal, the first time she said the words, “I am king”? No? Fuck, it was an experience, guys. xxii. dirty little animals || bones uk it makes your blood run hot it makes your spit taste sweet it makes you feel more alive than you have ever been

This is the second year in a row that this song has made it to my top 50. It’s one of the songs on the Arcane soundtrack and has basically been my go-to drive fast music since last December. Since I now have to commute to and from Newark two days a week and 161 is basically a long stretch of nothing, I’ve uh, had a lot of time to listen to it. xxiii. burn || 2wei i will not surrender i never learned to lose a fight

Definitely thought this one was a fanvid too, but I can’t find it. Anyway, it’s a great sexy little song. xxiv. running up that hill || kate bush oh, come on, angel. come on, come on, darling let's exchange the experience, ooh

Would you look at that, we’ve reached the point in the playlist where the new season of Stranger Things dropped. I have always loved this song, but holy shit, that scene was freaking amazing.  xxv. separate ways || journey someday love will find you true love won't desert you

Okay, but this song was in the Stranger Things 4 trailer and it was such a masterful trailer that I ended up listening to this song over and over again. I mean, it’s a great song anyway, but damn. That trailer! For all the issues I have with Stranger Things, it’s still such solid television. xxvi. what could have been || sting, ray chen i want you to hurt like you hurt me today and i want you to lose like I lose when I play what could have been Am I still talking about the Arcane soundtrack? Why yes, I am. This track has been living on my “got the morbs” playlist and is generally just a great song to turn to if I want to write or feel angsty things. The violin!  xxvii. back to the end || stars and nothing i say can make you feel less alone again and no song i sing will ever help us go home again 

Not only was I blessed with new Florence and new MCR this year - but I was also graced with new Stars! This song is very, very clearly pulling from the covid experience and it does really nail that strange loneliness of that first year, how the loneliness just kind of slipped into our bones and never left.  xxviii. gutt ch paranda || preet sandhu sambh lai jawani kurhe, kahton firre gaali ni, chamm saade nikhre aa, kamm haddo kaale ni Fanvid! This song SLAPS. xxix. dream || krutikov music dream, dream, dream dream, dream, dream

I honestly cannot figure out this song’s relation to Doctor Strange. Was it in the movie? Did I miss it? Trailer? IDK. But I really love it, and it helps that it made a come back about a month later when The Sandman dropped. xxx. this is a life || son lux this is a life this is our life

If you have not taken the plunge yet and watched Everything Everywhere All At Once, please do. I don’t have the words for how I came out of it knowing it was the most important movie I’ve ever watched, how it understands the nature of humans, how it made me laugh until I was sick and then sob into my fist moments later. This movie understands humans better than anything I have EVER seen and is an actual masterpiece. xxxi. free fall || slot machine if the world is falling apart it'll never take what's in our heart, make it last

I watched Kinnporsche! Well, most of it. I did not actually watch the last few episodes because I forgot where I was and haven’t gone back to it yet. But! It’s an incredibly sexy drama and just generally good tv. There is a concerning moment in one of the first episodes where there is some dubious/non-consent and I feel like most people just? Gloss over how weird it was? But if you’re able to get past that, the rest is smooth sailing. xxxii. west coast — onerepublic give me the sun for just a year i’ll kiss the sky and disappear This song is just obscenely catchy. Also, yes, I am dreaming about the west coast. Please dear god, I know I willingly moved here and all, but please get me out of Ohio. I want Washington. I want Oregon. I want northern California. xxxiii. take control || old gods of asgard and so i'm drawn ever deeper in the oldest house and all these empty rooms this vacant, spellbound mystery motel where i'm the keeper, where i set the rules This is the song that plays during the absolute coolest part of Control. It is one of the coolest experiences I’ve ever experienced in a video game and one of the best incorporations of music into a fight scene since they played Waltz of Flowers in Bioshock. I am linking a video of the gameplay, but honestly, if you get the chance I recommend skipping the video so you don’t ruin it and go play the game. The video is fine, but really doesn’t do the experience justice. xxxiv. sharks || imagine dragons so let it go, let it go that's the way that it goes

This might actually be my favorite song that Imagine Dragons has ever dropped. That’s.. that’s it. That’s the story. Have a fanvid! xxxv. hadippa || pritam Fikar Hi Gham Ka Papa Hai Apna To Bas Yeh Jaapa Hai Fikar Karein Fukarey

I honestly have no idea where I found this one, but it is so incredibly catchy. I know that it was around the time I was shazaming basically every single song they played on Ms Marvel, but honestly I’m just not sure. It is a really good song though. xxxvi. around the world || a touch of class just la la la la la, it goes around the world just la la la la la, it's all around the world

I have no idea about this one either. I feel like I may have gotten it stuck in my head when I was making the wedding playlist? Or it could have been a Tiktok, but I think the playlist is more likely. Great song! Been an earworm for months now. xxxvii. pink venom || black pink 자, 오늘 밤이야, 난 독을 품은 꽃 네 혼을 빼앗은 다음, look what you made us do Fanvid! Also catchy! xxxviii. teenage dirtbag || wheatus  'cause i'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby yeah, i'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby listen to iron maiden, baby, with me, ooh

Hahaha, I did the thing. It does not help that this song will now forever make me think of Eddie/Chrissy. xxxix. i’m good (blue) || david guetta i'm good, yeah, i'm feelin' alright baby, i'ma have the best fuckin' night of my life A secret - I actually think that I like this song more than the original now. It’s a problem. This is also one of my go-to’s on my driving playlist now. xl. talking to yourself || carly rae jepson  so tell me, what you got on your mind? what you got on your mind?

Carly! I also got more Carly this year. xli. 我还记得那天 — shen yicheng 这 世 界 总 会 有 人 欢 笑 有 人 哭 红 眼 在 历 经 过 千 山 万 水 的 Ahhhhh, Love Between Fairy and Devil! It was such a good show! Definitely a fair amount of second hand embarrassment, but over all, it was one of the best things I’ve watched this year. Loved the dynamic between all of the characters. xlii. voidfish || rachel rose mitchell *instrumental*

This was on my top 25 last year and it’s on it again this year because it is just such a beautiful and relaxing song to listen to. I still get shivers when I think about the words “there’s music in a bard’s song.” xliii. glue || fickle friends your cheeks are so warm and mine are glowing too yeah, i can feel our lips like glue

This song came on after Florence left the stage while everyone was trying to get out of the stadium and I basically immediately shazamed it. It’s so poppy and catchy, and basically immediately reminded me of Carly. xliv. it’s alright || mother mother it's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay you're not a monster, just a human

This song. I cannot say “it’s catchy” because I’ve said that about at least ten songs now, but it’s so catchy and just generally makes me feel like it might okay. xlv. wind blow — bone thugs-n-harmony and if, you don't love me now you will never love me again This is such a good freaking mashup! The energy! A friend introduced this to me a couple months ago and I’ve been blaring it in my car ever since. Also shout out to Call Me a Hole which is tragically not on spotify, but IS singlehandedly the best mashup I’ve ever heard. xlvi. 回到山沟沟 || DJ何鹏版 男:翻过山头还是那山头 哎 我的村村就在这山背后 This came across my dashboard and it made me feel good things about being a human. xlvii. insane || black gryph0n haven't been the same since I expired doesn't mean that I plan to retire and now I have the power to bathe all of you in entertaining fire!

I fell into a Tiktok hole! This song got stuck in my head for nearly the entirety of a six hour tattoo session and has been reoccurring ever since. xlviii. bloody mary || lady gaga i'll dance, dance, dance with my hands, hands, hands above my head, head, head

Tiktok hole! Also, Wednesday Addams. This, alas, is my current earworm. xlix. enter hallownest || christopher larkin *instrumental*

We played Hollow Knight! It was fantastic and we still haven’t technically beaten it. The soundtrack has now become my go-to for writing or if I need to calm myself down. Greenpath should also be on here, but I was dumb. l. unholy || sam smith mummy don't know daddy's getting hot at the body shop, doing something unholy

More of the Tik Tok hole. Lots of thirst traps. Actually a relatively sexy song.

[lordeemailarchive]

HOW’S IT GOING TO END?

(16/07/2022) (Solar Institute Bulletin No. 17) (From New York City)

(Probably written on July 15th 2022, by date written on it)

Still from The Truman Show; still from being still

FORTY. TWO. SHOWS. Shows played in beautiful theatres with gold filigree and red seats, in modernist amphitheatres looking out at the lit ends of your cigarettes, in fortresses on clifftops and thousand-year-old castles and sweaty clubs that smell like old beer. Shows played with 39 degree fever, with nausea that required a quick banana being eaten, with a salty body from the pre-soundcheck swim, with a sore knee from the Prada loafers I refuse to stop jumping in, with mood swings and shyness but never, ever stage fright. And four shows played as a blonde. It’s taken me a week to sit down and write to you as I pull the last bits from the suitcase, only just processing what a magical few months this was. It was by far one of the best seasons of my life! I cannot thank you enough for making these shows what they were. The way you jumped in the air as a group, every single show, even when you had seats hitting the backs of your knees. The bright colours you wore, the glittery eye makeup, so much care and thought going into your outfits. The way you looked out for the people around you in some of the sweatiest rooms I’ve ever been in - Paris, Birmingham - and sung EVERY FUCKING word and blew my whole crew away with the depth and force of your love. I just wanna do it again. So happy there’s still more to come.

We finished the tour in Stockholm at a festival. It was the perfect last show of tour, we all had that school’s out feel, loose and relaxed, but excited to do it well one last time. We went on at 8:30pm, the sun was glowing gold. For that hour, I watched the dream solar power scene like my own personal movie, bodies swaying, flocks of birds in V formation, dusk on the trees, a hot air balloon floating on the horizon… and this happened, for sure a first at a show of mine, just all so fun and beautiful and shit my kids will be sick of hearing about when I’m old. 

Now I’m back in the city, panic buying shorts, seeing an SP hat in the Japanese grocer, cooking for myself again. Can’t stop working……. why stop when it feels like play??? Went to a Mets game, had a blast, thought about the human desire for ritual/ceremony/theatre, and how religion or the monarchy scratch this itch at various times in history, and how elaborately ritualistic and beautiful sports like baseball also hold it down. Went to Carbone for the first time in years last night and had the same feeling, beyond how delicious the food is the real thing that enchants people is the service, how it’s theatre, how in these grim times we all just love a little magic trick. Doing heavier deadlifts. Haven’t discussed getting stronger, I’ve always seen the gym as this thing I just haul myself through in order to do my job, but have recently realised I actually love it in a kooky way. I feel specifically like a human being (and not a computer/animal/supernatural entity commonly found in folklore) picking heavy things up and putting them down, I really think building muscle is one of the best things you can do for your body image and sense of physical accomplishment. Reading Vivian Gornick’s The Odd Woman and the City and Anne Boyer’s Garments Against Women, both of which my mum brought me mid-tour, could she have better taste in books no she could not, thanks mum. Trying to find a secondhand copy of Four Screenplays of Ingmar Bergman, also Manet and his Critics. Obsessed with music again and listening to it all the time, not telling you what though, hihi huhu.

Taken by one of you, apologies for no credit, love it

Growing out my unibrow as an entry point for playing with conventions of beauty/gender/form. I was at the Walter Sickert show, in the room which is just his paintings of nude women. The shock my brain got seeing these not particularly idealised versions of the female form shocked ME. I realised my brain is getting programmed to want what the algorithms want when it comes to female physical form, just by sheer exposure to these systems and the current beauty standards. The algorithm doesn’t want to see certain things, and therefore I’ve stopped looking for them, if that makes sense. It sounds soooo obvious, but I realised, like, fuck if I’m not careful I’m just gonna end up striving for conventional (albeit alternative/chic) hotness until I die. And wouldn’t that be…. kind of a waste??? To have this incredible canvas or raw tool that can be manipulated to such great effect, and to only use it to try to… titillate and appeal? In the same way I eat bitter greens or dank fermented foods, going to make an effort to incorporate different flavours when it comes to form. Incorporate the grotesque, the masc, the statuesque, the jacked, the magnificent. Call it “refusing to believe that’s all there is to a fire". Okay, some life dispatches in photo form.

Hot girl munchies… greenmarket is going crazy rn… kuku with kewpie one of the crazier but sicker things to emerge from this brain.

The acne is active but the fits are cute

God tier snack… that’s all I’ll say….

Glasto by Lauren

Some snaps from Oslo/Stockholm… god damn it was beautiful

Turtle pond in Central Park

Everyone who was at Ally Pally, I wanna say thank you — you guys raised over $33k USD for the Brigid Alliance, thank you so much for that, I’m really grateful. I felt really supported at that show too, I was feeling really emotional about Roe v Wade, felt special being able to kick and rage and sweat it out with you.

Last thing: Really enjoyed this profile of Yuval Sharon, who makes me want to get into opera. “I wanted it to feel like Japanese calligraphy, where you can’t remove your brush from the page,” he said in a talk before the show. “That’s what I’d like this production to feel like: one brush stroke, quick. Like being young.” I’ll drink to that. Love you. Stay cool. E

(source: received this email)

[criticallyacclaimedstranger]

Fic: Misty, chapter iii

chapter i | chapter ii | chapter iii | chapter iv | chapter v | chapter vi | chapter vii | chapter viii | chapter ix | chapter x

Read on Ao3

Rating: Explicit (whole thing)

Fandom: Prospect

Pairing: Snowman!Ezra x f!reader (monsterfucker au)

Tags: it’s basically monster fucking but with a snowman which could technically be classified as a monster i guess?, gothic horror kind of, sorrow, dementia, anxiety, dog murder, masturbation, Frankie thirst, pet murder, racism mention, huge age gap, implied possible sexual abuse of minor.

Chapter warnings in addition to the above mentioned: Okay this is where it gets dark. Please proceed with caution. There is mention of an inappropriate relationship between a 16-year-old girl and a man twice her age. Also we're getting spooky.

Summary: Escaping your empty apartment after having been dumped by your fiancé, you rent a cottage at Oakgrove House over Christmas to nurse your wounds. But strange things seem to happen at the estate, where an old woman wanders around in search of old friends long gone, and snowmen appear as if by themselves on the lawn…

Chapter word length: 1,474

A/N: I am contemplating making a taglist for the rest of this fic, if anyone is interested? I can't promise that the above mentioned relationship won't cross over into actual abuse, but if that happens I can promise that I won't include any scenes of it. This story is still unfolding for me, as well.

Shivering, you load up the fireplace with wood and old newspaper pages, and strike a match. Soon, the roaring fire spews embers up the chimney, but despite sitting in front of the warm blaze, you have to throw the wool blanket from the couch around your shoulders.

There was something so chilling about the unsettling, sad story Frankie told you. He had heard it from the old gardener, Ennis, who in turn had been a young boy at the time, running errands and helping out on the estate.

“They had more people employed back then,” Frankie had explained. “And seasonal hires. One spring, a man showed up. Eloquent and charming. But Ennis said he always felt nervous around him. There was something… feral about him. Like a wolf that had been tamed but that you can never trust.”

You put another log on the fire and wrap the blanket tighter around you.

“Olga’s parents were old school fancy people. A little racist, too. Most of their gardeners were black but this guy wasn’t. He’d recite Shakespeare from memory. He was always seen reading books during his breaks. His articulate nature spoke to them. Olga was 16 or so at the time. She had had polio as a child so she was protected and handled like china. Had never been anywhere except into town.”

Chills run up your spine, even with the heat burning against your face. You extend your hands, palms forward, to warm up your fingers.

“I don’t know exactly what happened, but Olga took a liking to him. And he to her. He was twice her age. Ennis would see them talking, a little closer than was appropriate. He would never touch her, but there was something about how he leaned over her that felt… wrong.”

You shake your head and get up, go to the window and look out at the vanishing world. Through the mist of falling snow, you make out Frankie’s dark form moving with the shovel in his Sisyphean task. And further away: the snowman.

You had asked Frankie about it. Had he seen anyone? Who had made it? He had shrugged. The kids? He didn’t seem to be that bothered with it.

The cottage feels warmer and you take off the blanket, fold it neatly and put it over the arm rest of the couch. Another log on the fire before you go to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of tea. Holding the hot mug with both hands, cupping your palms around it, you retreat to the living-room and curl up in one couch corner. The novel you brought is on the side table, and you pick it up.

The sentences make no sense, the plot evades you.

“She was smitten with him, that much was clear. Her parents were blind to it, impressed with him as they were. Olga was an indoor child, a reading child, but Ennis would see her outside more and more, always hovering near him, always listening to him talk about the books he read.”

“What was his name?” you had asked. Frankie had given you a strange look, a hint of hesitation in his nut brown eyes.

“Ezra.”

“Ezra,” you murmur, and perceive a gush of wind from the old window. Looking up, you see that the snow is still falling perfectly perpendicular.

“Jesus Christ, get a grip,” you chide yourself and grab your mug for a sip of tea.

The tea is cold, despite the heat rapidly building up in the room, despite you having just made it.

You look around the room, half expecting someone to pop out from somewhere and announce that you are on Candid Camera. But you know there’s nobody but you in the cottage.

You’re confused, you know that. Your whole world has been turned upside down. You probably didn’t even heat the water, just poured cold water into the mug.

The bag is still submerged, the water is colored, and you realize that you can smell the brewed herbs. Tea doesn’t brew in cold water.

You get up and take the mug to the kitchen, where you pour it out in the sink. The kettle is still warm.

You probably boiled the water, then put cold tap water in the mug. You’re not yourself.

Having lost the appetite for tea, you go back to the living-room and grab the poker to the move around the firewood before putting in another log. As the fire roars on, and you go to the window and look out, suddenly longing for company.

You can’t see Frankie anymore, but the snowman is still there. Even through the falling powder you can see the dark holes that are his eyes. Staring right at you.

You’re jerked awake by banging on the door. Groggily, you look around. The fire has died down, only embers glowing in a pile of ash on the stone.

Another banging, and you get on your feet. The room is swimming in warmth, but there is a draft along the floorboards. You go to open the door, finding Frankie outside, the cap of his hat white with snow.

“Hi,” he nods to you with a little smile. “I just wanted to see that you were all right.”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

He casts his eyes down, as if expecting to find the answer by his booted feet.

“You seemed upset. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t make you feel bad, telling you about Olga.”

“Oh.” That’s sweet of him. You appreciate it, but you’re still wary. You’re not sure you can handle handsome and sweet in your emotionally fragile state.

“I’m okay. Thank you.”

“Sure. I’ll be off home to the missus but I may have to come out once more tonight. The snow’s not going to stop anytime soon.” The line between his eyebrows tells you all you need to know about his opinion on that.

You nod, because you don’t really know what to say to that.

“If you see me later, and you need anything… just come pull my sleeve, okay?”

You swallow. “That’s nice of you. Thanks.”

He leaves with a short nod and a quick smile, and you close the door, cheeks flushing red. Maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the man, but you hope you didn’t look like a traffic light to him.

You’ve napped way past lunchtime, and now make yourself a couple of sandwiches that you eat while managing to read a couple of pages in your book. You check your phone: a how are you message from a friend, some emails from store chains you have a membership card to, telling you it’s still not too late to shop for Christmas presents. You ignore all, swiping away the notifications.

The cottage is suddenly too warm, too cramped. The rat is back in your chest and the only way to make it calm down is to walk it, so you pull on your outerwear and go out for a walk.

The snowman is staring at you from across the road. Without making a conscious decision, you walk up to it.

It’s almost as tall as you are, its three-ball body round and jolly, but there is an air of bleakness looming over it. The depressions in its face are deep and filled with twigs and moss, making it look like its weeping green and spewing wood. An attempt has been made to give it hair but the maker seems to have run out of material: there are dark stems of flowers long dead stuck onto the top of it, but over what would be its right temple is a handful of hay. The yellow-white straws make a stark contrast against the rest of the would-be hair and together with the smirk the snowman has been given, it looks almost menacing. Or teasing, like a schoolyard bully. Yet, the thought that has been put into the work renders it some intelligence.

You shudder and lower your gaze from its face. A branch has been stuck into the snowman’s left side, giving it a bushy, many-fingered arm, but there is only a short stick on the right side, like the maker grew tired of looking for a matching arm. It makes the end result look a little lopsided.

You realize that there are no traces in the snow. Granted, it has snowed for twenty-four hours, but there should be traces where the body has been rolled, gathering up more and more layers. There should be indications of footprints in the snow, yet there are none.

You shake your head and turn your back to the snowman, starting your walk. Until you reach a bend in the road and disappear out of sight from the lawn, you feel like there’s a pair of eyes following you.

[rogue-durin-16]

HIS WARM EYES

Summary: Some members of the Order are reticent about letting in a Lestrange, specially after Snape's betrayal. Whilst taking Harry to the the burrow, an ambush has place. Everything points to Y/n, right?

Pairing: George Weasley x Slytherin!Lestrange!Reader

Genre: angst

Tags:

George Weasley: @meph1stophelian

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog @amourtentiaa @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @skarlettmikaelson

Warnings: blood, injuries, death

A/N: OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LONG AND BAD— I AM GENUINELY SORRY BUT I HAD TO

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

Lestrange wasn't a good name.

It wasn't a good name in the streets, nor in close-doors, let alone amongst The Order.

That's why I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they had accepted me— well, maybe 'accepted' was a strong word; they had let me in, reticent, weary, but still they had done it. Plus, after Snape's betrayal and Dumbledore's death, no one would think there was a vacant for a Slytherin and a Lestrange.

It wasn't until I found myself exiting the abandoned Grimauld's Place along with the rest of the volunteers to go to Privet Drive, that it dawned on me; they were short on people.

They were so short on people that the Order would have to swallow my name, my family and my House.

That didn't mean they would quiet down their opinions about me being there.

"I'm gonna say it." Fred announced, taking a spot in the living room's corner while Shacklebolt, Arthur and Lupin searched the place.

"Again?" Fleur groaned.

Fred had already spoken his mind about my presence before we reached Potter's house.

His and George's shocked looks had been on me since the very first moment I had walked into the old Black's home, which was understandable; last time they saw me I was joking about joining the death eaters.

Although the shock on their faces had been accompanied by very different emotions on each.

Fred's held reticence. During our school years, he had never liked me; I would dare to say he was scared of me, even.

George's gaze, on the other hand, held hope —maybe even excitement— which was comforting.

In our first year, I had managed to draw George's interest, and for three years he was adamant about Slytherins not being 'all that bad'.

George's friendship was the thread I was hanging on; he was the only thing stopping from taking the easy way and live up to my name.

The thread was cut after he asked his mother to bring me over during Christmas, which ended up in her forbidding him to talk to me. He, being George Weasley, ignored his mom's pleads and twin's scolding and still tried his best to stay close to me, so I did what was right and, at the end of our fifth year, I cut ties with him.

It hurt more than I would dare to admit.

After our drifting apart, I was forced to completely rely on Slytherins. And you see, Slytherins, as 11 year-old George would say, aren't all that bad, but the ones my name attracted were.

They were bad sort —the worst—, and keeping that company around after our sixth year wasn't the best record to have, but Merlin's sake, I was there, I had volunteered— people change.

"Son." His father warned Fred, well aware this wasn't the time, though he obviously wanted to side with him. "Don't start again."

"Someone has yet to tell me why is she here?"

"She has a name." I hissed, unable to stop myself.

"Which is why you shouldn't be here, Lestrange." The name rolled out of his tongue like poison. "She's not one to trust."

"Oi, she's willing to risk her life, isn't she?" George's words seemed to be meant to calm his twin's temper, though his warm eyes did land on mines with a reassuring look.

"Yeah but for whom?" I tried to stay quiet as Moody had asked me too, but Fred was making it quite difficult. "If something goes wrong—"

"Weasley!" Mad-eye's tone was dry as he bursted into the room. "Are you questioning my judgment?" Fred scoffed, but stayed quiet.

"If we're throwing in the surnames, you're gonna wanna know her mum's my auntie." Tonks spoke, folding her arms.

"But you're a Hufflepuff." He was quick to respond, giving me a disgusted look. "She's a Serpent."

"And you're still a mouthful, aren't you?!" I snapped, stepping forward, though Tonks gave me a lazy tug before I could get to Fred.

"Wanna fight, Lestrange?" He had taken a couple of steps in my direction already when George yanked his twins arm.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" He yelled, giving his brother a push. "She's here for Harry! She's helping! What else do you want?!"

"Oh my gosh, Georgie— get over your teen crush already, she's not on our team!" George's knuckles went visibly white, unlike his cheeks, which turned red.

"Are you done making a scene? The three of you." Bill questioned in a calm tone, resting against the window's bench. "I don't fancy the idea either, but we need help, Fred, so shut your mouth because we have things to do."

"Pity, I was enjoying the teen drama." Moody teased before grabbing his flask and the ones who would take the Polyjuice potion moved to stand in line.

"Y/n." George's hand brushed my hand, drawing my attention to him as we stood besides one another. "I'm glad you're here." He whispered with a side smile.

"Missed me much?" I couldn't help but grin back, bumping his arm with mine. I stole a proper look at him and thought I might as well ask before the mission. "So... Teen crush huh?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him, though I could feel my own face flushing.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't fancy George —could someone blame me?—, and the idea of those feelings not being unrequited was very appealing.

He only threw his head back and looked away, the half smile growing wider and more bashful. "We'll talk about it at the Burrow." He assured me, taking the flask with his right hand and squeezing mine with his left.

"If we don't die before that." I was joking, but fear was shaking me to the core.

"We won't." He looked at the potion disgusted and gave me a peeked at me saying, "You have to hear me embarrass myself first." And with a wink, he drank the potion and passed it to me.

Gosh, I couldn't get over the mission to hear him 'embarrass' himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

GEORGE'S P. O. V.

The first five minutes were calm, despite all of us being on edge. We kept checking on each other, dreading if we lost sight of someone, that someone would banish.

The storm came when we had to dive into the dark clouds.

Funnily enough, I did think it was a literal storm before entering; oh, what I would have given for it to be a literal storm.

Black, cloaked intruders flew among us, making us divide in the pairs we had been assigned to.

Lupin started casting protegos and hexes to everyone that got too close while I tried to take down as many enemies as possible.

A couple of yelled warnings were heard when both Moody and the real Harry had entered the ambush.

"WATCH OUT!" Tonks screamed, flying past me with Ron at her tail. "REMUS!" She made a signal to her husband "ESCORT!" I got the hint; we were supposed to clear Moody's and Y/n's way so it would confuse our attackers while Tonks and Shacklebolt made sure to get Harry out of there.

"ON MY LEFT!" Lupin shouted over the chaos, changing to my right for me to be by Y/n's side.

"WE'RE FUCKED!" She yelled dropping her flight to dodge an Avada Kedavra.

"WE'LL MANAGE!" I automatically dropped my flight with hers too, which was a bad decision, since we had gotten rid of the protection provided by Lupin, Mad-eye and Bill and Fleur.

Soon enough three death eaters came flying towards us.

"STUPEFY!" another Harry with the voice of Fred passed by us, closely followed by my dad.

"GO BACK UP!" Y/n was quicker than me following my father's instructions; when I did though, I realised the little formation we had going on was gone.

Suddenly, all we could hear were screams; it felt as if someone was missing but I blamed it on everyone flying around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Tonks almost crashed against me on her way down; Ron was nowhere near me, nor Lupin.

We were outnumbered, and instead of moving forward, we were stuck in the grey clouds, trying not to die.

It took me a hot second, a crash against a death eater and a couple of hexes to get to Lupin, and even when I did, it was a hard task to keep track of him.

I had just taken out someone in my way when I caught a glimpse of something my eyes refused to believe.

Snape.

Our bloody professor was trying to kill us.

I felt the need to laugh at the situation.

"GEORGE!" It was Y/n's voice snapping me out of it, although her actions shocked me even more.

Y/n casted a spell on me, pushing my broomstick to the left and consequently making me crash against Lupin and lose balance.

Then something happened, something my mind didn't quite process.

At first it felt like a slap, but the pain stung my side as if someone had sliced me with a blade.

I didn't hear my own cry, nor Lupin's desperate 'help'; I didn't feel his hands struggling to take a firm hold of me, nor my own shakily reaching to my side, searching for an injury I didn't want to find.

A second after that, everything was black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

FRED'S P. O. V.

As soon as my father and I apparated in the fields of our home, I ran into the house. For some unexplainable reason, it felt as if something wasn't right.

A couple of steps into the house were enough for that 'something' to strike me. George had been laid on the settee, barely conscious; blood was covering the side of his face, neck and left shoulder, making his hair and clothes stick to his skin.

I was left speechless at the sight, my eyes welling up while I dragged my feet towards my twin.

"Mad-Eye is dead." Bill's words, despite sounding far away, made the gears in my head turn.

Lupin was quicker than me, though, "I told you we couldn't trust a Lestrange!"

"Remus! we don't know—" Tonks tried to calm him down, just to be cut off by Bill.

"Mad-Eye and Lestrange traveled between us and" he gestured at our wounded brother, "Remus and George." His jaw twitching let me know that he was desperately trying to stay calm. "Mad-Eye is dead and my brother just lost an ear, who is it if not bloody Lestrange, Dora?"

"Bill..." Fleur held onto her fiance's arm in an attempt to ground him.

"Did you see her disapparating?" Tonks's point was logical and hopeful.

George would have sided with her.

My eyes fixed on my wounded twin again. He was as pale as a corpse now, and the absence of his ear was way more noticeable now that my mother had begun to remove the blood.

George would have sided with Tonks because he wanted to trust Y/n, and he couldn't even speak because of that same reason.

Since everyone was arguing, they missed the flash of someone apparating near the front door.

I didn't.

Before I knew it, I was running outside with my wand in hand, Lupin and Bill following me instantly when they realised what I had just seen.

"EXPELLIARMUS!" Y/n's wand flew to my hand even before I could properly see her.

My rushed march came to a halt when I was a couple of feet away from her, making Bill bump into me; she was as pale as George, maybe more.

She took a seemingly calm, deep breath before attempting to walk.

Luckily, I saw the pools of blood on her shirt and stepped to reach her before she could touch the ground.

"Oh my..." Lupin covered his mouth with both his hands and Bill stood frozen at the sight of the girl in my arms. "MOLLY!!" my old professor yelled at the top of his lungs, going as livid as me.

We shouldn't talk on impulse, I told myself, rushing into the kitchen with Y/n in my arms. A series of gasps and regretful whispers broke the silence while I laid her on the dining table.

"Y/n?" George's trembling voice was heartbreaking, and, as my dad forced him to stay on the couch, I prayed the girl in my arms would survive.

"Oh Lord..." My mother muttered, examining her. It wasn't only her shirt stained with blood; her left leg and arm were too. "Oh dear..."

"She took the blow." Lupin ran his hands through his hair, understandably stressed. After a couple of seconds, her turned to my dad and commanded, "Get him up. Quick— go get him up." His eyes stared right into my soul and I dreaded the worst, but still obeyed and helped my dad drag George to the dining table.

I heard Lupin telling Bill something about Sectumsempra, and my heart sunk.

She took the blow.

"No..." George's murmur was close to a cry, but it was enough for Y/n's eyes to snap open.

"George." tears were effortlessly streaming down her cheeks at the sight of him. "You're... A-alive..."

"Please stay" My brother fell on his knees, reaching for Y/n's bloody hand with his own. We all looked away to give them some kind of intimacy, except from my mother, who was still trying to fix the poor girl.

I heard them both whispering sweet nothings with shattered voices until only one of them died out. I looked over to Tonks, whose eyes were gleaming with tears, and then to Lupin.

I couldn't bring myself to look at George.

After a moment of intense sobbing, my dad managed to pull my twin away from the corpse, and we carried him back to the settee.

I stayed with him the night, holding his hand and assuring him it was not his fault, but I knew my words would have little effect on his state; after all, he had been in love with Y/n for years.

All those years he had spent trying to convince all of us that Y/n was a good person, that we should give her a chance; all those years begging our mother to bring her over because she wanted to see our home.

Now her body was lying on our kitchen and I knew none of us would forgive ourselves for misjudging her.

READER'S P. O. V.

"Nervous?" A tall, redheaded kid appeared besides me; I supposed he didn't know my name by the warmth and curiosity with which his eyes stared at me.

"Aren't we all?" I replied with an anxious laugh.

He seemed to think for a moment before nodding. "Fair point, though I'll probably go into Gryffindor." He assured me with a proud smile, causing my head to cast down. "What is it?"

"Oh nothing," I shrugged, aware I would not be able to befriend that sweet boy with warm eyes. "I think I'll be sorted into Slytherin."

"Nonsense!" His intentions had been obviously to reassure me, but when he realised his response only made it worse, he added. "It'd be wicked to have a Slytherin friend, though." My eyes widened at his words; did he just— "I'm George, by the way."

"I'm Y/n."

"That's a very pretty name." Professor Mcgonagall led us into the Great Hall, and before I knew what was happening, George's hand was holding mine. "It'll be fine."

The lighting of the Castle changed once the Great Hall's doors opened; a bright, white light seemed to be coming out of it.

"Wait!" My hand gripped George's before he could leave my side. "Can you hold my hand? I-I'm scared." My voice no longer sounded like a 11 year old.

For some reason I didn't comprehend, my eyes were watery, making the view in front of me blurry.

"Don't be scared, darling." When I turned to George, I didn't see a kid; it was him, in the expensive suit I had seen him mere hours ago. "I'm here."

I just nodded and, swallowing my fear, took a step ahead, and then another one, and another, until I reached the Great Hall.

[judasisgayriot]

I’ve probably fallen for the front Nathan puts up but maybe I’ve fallen for the consequences of his actions while masking? Idk. Maybe it’d help if someone elaborated (aka pls feel free to go off about Nathan but I still may end up disagreeing depending on the results)

Ohhh my god I didn’t mean to write so much but I have so uhh fair warning I have Feelings on the subject:

I have a lot of complicated feelings about Nathan the same way I have a lot of complicated feelings about Heroes, lol. Don't get me wrong, though I may seem like a grumpy fucker, the show holds a v special place in my heart and has for 16 years, it does mean a lot to me but at the same time there are whole chunks of it that I find just bad/stupid/infuriating, and that also colours my perspective on characters too -

I actually think villain!Nathan could have been done well/interestingly, for example, and the building blocks were there - Nathan is someone who is incredibly self-loathing about his power in particular and believes it makes him some kind of freak, and makes comments to similar effect in s1 about how he thinks they should all be locked up etc, so I can see how he could slide into that villain lets-lock-everyone-up thing if done well, but the way it's done in s3 is a mess and comes out of nowhere and makes no fucking sense lol, like he’s misguidedly going along with his dad’s idea of giving people powers, then peter knocks over his Vats of Stuff and for no clear narrative reason Nathan decides to do a 180 and like dob everyone in to the President lol, like it could have been done well as a “tragic self-hating villain who you kind of understand but his path of destruction is still bad” thing, not a “I guess he’s just an Evil-Now Kind of Metaphorical Racist” lol.

so I'm like ehhh *handwave* whatever, I don't even think of it as, like, in character, as opposed to the General Jerkery he displays in say, s1, which I do think is representative of him, or at least the front he puts up -

ALSO, it's not that I think 'Nathan is constantly masking/pretending to be someone he's not (which is true) so therefore he did nothing wrong' - he still hurt people and did morally questionable things lol, that doesn't absolve him. I just think it's easy to see why he is the way he is and it adds a lot to his character. Nathan has layers! Nathan is like an onion! Oh no I'm writing an essay! Lol.

At the same time I'd like to emphasise that despite being a Proud Nathan Apologist, I'm not like "Nathan has never done anything wrong ever in his life!" - he can be a jerk and a shitty person, he's done plenty of Bad Things and fucks up near-constantly, and I actually love him more for it - I love him bc while I find him deeply sad and sympathetic, he's a very complicated, morally grey character (well, I'd argue morally *confused*, lol) with so much compacted self-loathing that he takes it out on other people too, and that's Bad, and yet he's still so, so tragic to me (he's my poor little meow meow OK, I get to woobify him, SOMEONE has to - half the fandom are Sylar apologists which is their god-given Blorbo Right which I will defend, but I don't rly care for him so I'm just like *eyeroll* well *I* don't give a fuck that he's Sad or forgive him that easily lol. So I do 100% see the other side of the coin lmao.)

Anyway all that said (oh my god that was a long preamble sorry), it's easy to see how people miss it if they're not that interested in Nathan as a character tbh bc I think you need the context of like, s2/early s3 Nathan to see the full picture, but basically all of his arc in s1 is about how Nathan is wearing a mask all the time of being this kind of Jerkass Alpha Male I'm a Totally Normal Man that he's been expected to be his whole life

(see the way Angela blatantly manipulates and controls his whole life and simultaneously treats him like he's about 5 years old and a stubborn child to be given orders ("that's my boy") and told off, while also being vaguely creepy and clingy in a "you're the man of the house now" kinda way, see "everything we are is what people expect us to be, if you take that away nothing means anything" and his admission that without Peter he doesn't even really have a sense of self, cf. his COMPLETE spiral into rock bottom in s2 without him, see later in s3 Arthur's "I made you" and Nathan's admission that everything he's ever done in life has been because of his dad - becoming a lawyer, becoming a politician (which I genuinely think Nathan doesn't even LIKE or want to do lol. I'm serious, it’s presented as this key facet of his character but I don't think Nathan is even that Ambitious deep down or particularly, like, wants to be President or whatever - it's all what he keeps being TOLD he should want, which he goes along with), like even who he was set up to marry, apparently. His life is being like, puppeteered from his fuckin birth by his terrifyingly morally bankrupt parents who experimented on him and "wanted to be better than God". Jaysus. Ahem anyway this parenthetical got LONG-)

Anyway his arc is about how actually, that isn't the person he actually is at all. He feels like he has to be this Persona of Alpha Ambitious Arrogant Very Normal Heterosexual High-Flying (loool) Successful Manly Man but actually, the main choice he makes, which changes everything, is that even though this has all been conditioned into him from day 1, he does what he's told like a good little attack dog, he *chooses* Peter/love (and aren't they the same thing? Awww) over all of that, precisely when no-one expects him to. Of course, Claire is no small factor in this (see: how his parents LET HIM THINK HIS CHILD WAS DEAD FOR 14 YEARS, how he does clearly want to see her but then gets too overwhelmed to go through with it and conceal-don't-feel nearly cries in the back of the car on his way back (even tho he rightfully looks bad in Claire's perception at that moment), how Angela literally says that she knows that deep down under his gruff exterior "you're a sap" and if he sees her "sad weepy eyes", "you're gone, you're finished". Like Yeah, precisely lol). It's another tangent but she really is the one who makes him realise there IS a way to break free from everything that's been suddenly heaped on him re: The Plan in s1 (shout out to my babygirl Claire I love you so much Claire mwah).

Anyway there's that, but then you start to see just hoooow Mentally Ill Nathan blatantly, actually is (plus, very clearly ND/autistic to me in a lot of ways, which the masking is a serious part of too). In S2 obviously he's in just a complete black hole of depression, is hallucinating his Burned Self as this kind of conceptualisation of all the things he hates about himself, and literally self-harms because of it (punching the mirror), and then in early s3, when he's literally died and been brought back to life, has a full-on mental breakdown and is just literally so fragile and vulnerable and it makes me so sad - never mind the weird religious mania and delusions, he's terrified bc he's seeing visions of a man he hates and fears (which yeah is just his dad fucking with him deliberately, but like - yeah that’s WORSE) - no one really seems to like, care if he's OK at all, he pleads with Future Peter to tell him what "the right thing to do" is because he literally does not know (see "morally confused" as I said earlier, he straight up doesn't have much of an innate conception of what the "right thing" even is) and gets basically no help, like this man is NOT OK and to top it all off he has a complete mental breakdown LIVE ON TELEVISION and gets handpicked to become a Senator literally because someone witnesses that and decides that he looks like he'd be easy to manipulate and control (like, He Is Not In An OK Place! Let The Man Rest! Get Him Some Therapy, from a Person who Knows About Powers Preferably so He Doesn't Have To Mask Further! I'm So Angry Oh My God!) and like. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway wrapping back around to the original question I guess (again I… don't know how this got this long. Clearly I Feel Things About This lol) I feel like a lot of people just take that surface-level Nathan, the one who's just a kinda callous jerk sometimes and doesn't really have much to redeem him, at face value and. hate him. and don't like Look Underneath! At the Layers! He's So Tragic and textually there was really no way for him to like, Live and Be OK. Like the only road for him was death and he didn't (despite all the jokes about how many times Nathan dies lol) get a Chance to get past all of that and feel, like, Relatively OK, Ever. Oh god you can fit so much repression inside this man *slaps Nathan's head* and then he kept being repressed despite tentative attempts to like Come Out of The Metaphorical Power Closet (sidenote Nathan is ostensibly meant to be like textually straight but he has literally such a Closeted Gay Man storyline that it's almost textbook 1-to-1 allegory. That's A Long Meta For Another Time though) and then he died :( and maybe he did a few war crimes too but that whole thing was stupid, man, idc

This is like fucking ungodly long now lmao and you DON'T have to read all of this but like. Anyway if you still just don't rly like Nathan or care about him as a character, 's all fine and I'm not gonna convince you otherwise bc everyone has Faves and Unfaves and Whatever, Blehs. I clearly just have a lot of fkn investment in Nathan's Layers, lmao.