#i still get so nervous going in tho
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i sometimes so desperately wish my gender and sexuality were more simple. i wish we weren’t trapped in a world where the binary even within transness weren’t so rigid. i wish i could just say i was trans man or that i never had had the desire to transition and could have just stayed happily as a cis butch lesbian
#and i don’t necessarily mean that trans people are rigid with the binary although some definitely are#i more mean that people looking in from the outside expect you to become a man or a woman#or be a non transitioning nonbinary person#really grateful to my nonbinary/genderqueer pals also transitioning who help keep me sane#bork bork!#been thinking a lot about public spaces in particular bathrooms recently#idk what the fuck i’m doing#thankfully i live in a chill state otherwise i would avoid public bathrooms like the plague#i still get so nervous going in tho
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(end of bad’s Acceptance vod, about 1:48:30)
no but im never going to be normal again. LOOK at this. look. IMMEDIATELY before this he gave a whole miserable speech at the graveyard about how much he misses the kids and how he wants them to come home. He was grieving so hard it started to rain. He cried while he sang to them. It was the perfect end to 5 days of grieving- and then he does this.
and the rain isnt about grief anymore- the thunder isnt a peaceful background to a heartbreaking scene. It is rage. the whole context changes. The storm raged on while he grieved like he raged during the Everything Else that happened (“there are a lot of federation workers on today. I need to interrogate them about some things” he said while he was following forever ALONE to distract him. he knew forever was fucked up and about to put more marriage pressure on him and for anyone else that would have been Terrifying. how could you focus on anything but that? but. bad was thinking about tormenting more federation workers)
i just!!!! its so good. its SO good its so scary its so good. bad hasnt accepted the loss of his children but he has accepted how far he will go to get them back. (he will do anything)
#qsmp#Ik someone else posted the clip but i could not find it again and i Needed to go insane#i still need to go insane#i need to pick up every little bit of his character and pin them up and write an essay on all of it#you know that entire nervous system that was preserved? i need to do that to him#im going to be SO annoying about bbh for the next while#like i can feel the brainworms setting in so hard i am GOING to get pov rot and get so excited about my perceptions of his character that i#twist him away from what he is#it will be in the name of understanding him but really i will trudge thru those roots and trip into hell#or maybe not maybe ill continue to have fun and cool character analysis#50/50 on whether or not it will be comprehensible tho i think the last 8 posts at least ive made about him are nonsense#its because he is a bastard#with too many moving parts. i need a diagram neatly laying out every q!bbhism ever#qsmp badboyhalo#qsmp clip
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Super sexy me is so sexy I accidentally set off the fire alarm while baking pie shells for my pumpkin pie. And now I don't know if I should've even baked them in the first place. But well. Too late now 👍
#speculation nation#i am not a fucking baker so something always goes wrong when i make these pies 😭😭😭#but i am craving my grandma's pumpkin pies... i gotta bake them myself if i want them rn...#see the thing is ive previously bought pre-baked like. graham crusts#but i was like 'that crust sucks lets get a different thing'#so i got tbis dough shit that i put into pans. the box said to bake it. and so i was like ok cool#then as they were in the oven i looked at the pumpkin pie recipe for starting the filling#and then saw that it says 'unbaked shells' and so 😥😥😥😥#but too late now and it worked fine with the graham. and well. the filling is what i care about the most.#the crusts are just an excuse for having pie filling.#anyways i did set off the alarm. i think it's bc the oven was on so hot#the box says 450 which is hotter than i ever usually do. the pies themselves ask for 350#so well i turned the oven off and i have the microwave fan running#which oh yeah the fucking handle to my microwave fucking broke. it fucking broke.#i think i'll duct tape it or smth lol. microwave itself works fine still. and i dont want people in my apartment.#it's just the bottom part but it sure did just. splinter off. that shit is Broke broke.#and i scared the shit outta my cats And me with that damned alarm. and now i am just waiting.#calming down some. chilling the crusts. soon i will resume making the pie filling.#it's not like it even takes much time i am just. Nervous now.#i wanna let the oven cool off more b4 i have it going for like 45 mins lol#the crusts are kinda ugly. one of them is inflated on the bottom. these pies r going to be disasters.#so long as they still taste good......thats what i care about the most...#maybe my crusts will end up nuclear... if that happens tho ill just eat the filling out of the crust... its fine... ill be fine...#😭😭😭😭😭😭 why is everything so hard
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Just waiting for the oven to preheat and then the muffins can go up and then I'll do dishes I guess
#i need to cook so I'll have lunches for later in the week#what i made last night is like maybe 2 leftovers and 1 mkght be good for a dinner instead of a lunch idk#but i dont really want to cook tonight. i want to sleep#like I'm Tired#baking muffins doesnt take a ton of energy judt gather ingredients measure mix mix divide preheat and done.#compared to dishes which u have to be at the sink however long it takes and just.. ugh#and cooking! stressful!#if i didnt cook tonight.... I'm not cooking tomorrow night bc i get home later so i wont have time to relax if i have to cook#so if i didnt cook both nights what would i eat?#ive git some frozen leftovers bjt besides the soups in not enthusiastic about them#got*#I'm saving 1 soup for whichever day i go to the dentist bc its an easy thing i can eat after when my face is still numb for 3 hrs or whateve#Why is my back itching again#i have frozen nuggets that are ok and frozen tenders i havent tried yet#theyre the raw kind rather than pre-cooked which makes me nervous anyway#uh but what would i do tomorrow night if i did one of those tonight#more frozen pancakes?#and then ive got the weekend again I'm there late#also if i eat all the frozen pancakes now...#well my parentals are back Thursday#but Wednesday at least is also a late shift so idk#I'm tired tho
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why am i so nervous about handing the letter to my neighbours to ask if they have my packages
#last time it happened they handed the packages to my mum but shes still on holiday for another 2 days#i dont think they know what i look like so thats probably why#they could've dropped them off at the house but i guess there isnt a guarantee they wont get stolen even tho we've never had porch pirates#cause our house is just so out of the way from the street#anyways ughhh curse you social anxiety#il go out and put it in their door when im going to the bus stop to get to college#im just gonna be nervous af
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//I keep trying to write but I'm going to be busy almost all week with work and family, got scheduled all day July 4th and as proof of yesterday it's not going to be easy working on the interstate during a holiday week so I need to catch up on my sleep more than anything rn. If you're waiting on a reply I'm sorry I will try to get it out this weekend or next week 🙏
#i'm putting pen to paper again ;; ooc#went in on my day off because they were short staffed again yesterday#felt a little bad but after that i heard coworkers saying they loved me and nice things about me so its not so bad ^^#it was kind of brutal? not like more eyerolls from customers or anything like that but#people kept running around and when i tried to dl multiple jobs at once i was asked to eait bc i was making people nervous#a customer cussed me out when her payment didnt go through but she got her stuff free anyways so idk why she was mad#they told me i cant light fireworks off in the parking lot either 'corporate wouldnt like that' corporate isnt patriotic? smh smh#fr tho i will get back to everything se you later!!!#feel free to still send memes/asks/replies tho bc i will get back to it!!
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#i know i won't shut up abt 5sos but the real question is will i ever go to a better gig than darren criss in [redacted] 2023#like i didn't even know half his songs before i went and i still had the best time i've ever had at a gig#literally the energy in that room was insane#and like... better than any gig i've ever been to in melbourne like#smth about being in a smaller place that artists don't often come to Especially not internation acts#everyone was so like... polite?#like they were doing concert so well they weren't being assholes and yelling when it wasn't their turn :')#which is so annoying i hate when a crowd is so roudy that it feels like a classroom and the teacher is waiting for everyone to shut up#like we can still have a good time if u respect the fact that some of us are spending hundreds even just Getting here#idk maybe i'm a music snob i just think there's something so magical in a quiet room full of people#like when something really beautiful has happened you can sit in it for a second#the pressure to cheer like... the idea that a moment of silence will somehow offend the artist who created the moment#i tried to find another concert on the tour where the crowd was as in the moment as we were for the line#'i believe there is music in the silence' and then he like#puts the guitar down and heads to the piano to do the rest#but it was so gorgeously quiet it was breathtaking i cried#it might have helped that he played the first half entirely accoustically no mic no amps#bc the venue was small enough and also designed to amplify naturally#but we all had to be so quiet to make sure everyone heard it so it just#the music hung in the air so magically y'all art is so good i'm still crying nothing will ever beat that concert i'm still chasing that hig#luke was nearly that magical but tbh..... the audience kinda ruined it for me at times :/#also he was nervous and kept cutting off the moment by saying 'thank you' like we get it ur a humble king but like#you have to let a song like place in me Breathe when it's done#you have to give the crowd a chance to go holy fucking shit what the fuck and THEN start screaming and Then thank them#but i'm truly such a snob it's the worst#honestly thinking abt how those lads are always improving tho he'll get there#by the time he's darren criss' age he'll be killing it even more they all will
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Nicola Coughlan the woman that you are!!!!!
#s3e5 posting#I am like so nervous watching these scenes but like secondhand nerves idk cause like as someone built a bit like her I just can’t wrap#my brain around it that we get these kinds of scenes#and like when the other two couples were going at it I was like eating it up but now I have to pause like every two seconds so I was like#ok I should interrogate that feeling I guess#idk#Augh tho Colin was sooo much more of a cutie pie last year I wish they had just left his face alone#bc like they were prob like oh he should be more conventionally hot and still want her that’s like saying something no idc abt that#let men have soft jawlines too was Simone Ashley’s not enough to power the show for several seasons alone#bridgerton
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no one asked bUT imma go off (affectionate) anyways. ahem:
edse (practicum): portfolio is completed, did portfolio presentation this morning, blog is updated, have all the rubrics... DONE
347: major identity essay? done. final “essay”? done. just gotta go to class tomorrow so we can meet for the final exam time slot and we are going to. talk about books. no more assignments, yay!
395: edtpa? DONE. reflection? DONE. self-evaluation for edtpa? DONE. now, all i have to do is edit edtpa and then submit it for like Official grading and not class grading
405: presentation? made and presented. revision portfolio and reflection? DONE (finished it like fifteen minutes ago lol)
444: giant research paper? DONE. reflection? done. presentation? DONE. just gotta go to the final exam period thursday to watch the rest of the presentations, but no more work for meeeeeeee
and then finally... 305... the only final i actually have left...
#y'all i worked SO HARD#i am so so so ready for a break even tho it's p short#i stayed at college for thanksgiving break so i could do homework and i got SO MUCH DONE and i spent the last two weeks like hardcore#working on finals and homework and i did SO MUCH and i'm so relieved and so proud of myself holy trash that was so much#and my 405 prof is suggesting that i submit the fiction piece i wrote somewhere iugfcgvhujijuhygfc idk where but i'm kind of 👀#like i'm a wuss and submitting scares me a bit ngl but like. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH he thinks that i just need to make slight like wording#revisions and then it's ready to go out iuyfgdxghuijohugfcghijo imma miss that class haha#anyways just like. in a Wow state of mind right now#like... it's all finally ending and then i student teach next semester and i freaking finally am about to have a break and like... i did it?#now all i have to do is do well on my 347 papers which aren't graded yet (i: am scared/nervous haha have an a but still ahhhhhhh)#and then write my 305 and get that back... and then edit and submit edtpa and then the worst of it: WAIT AND HOPE THAT I PASS EDTPA UGH#pls pray for me to pass <3#or send good thoughts <3#anyways sorry for rambling i just wanted to be proud of myself okijuhygfdxfgyhujioiuhygf
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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I wanna get back into watching anime so badly guys
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#I think it rlly has been abt a year since I've watched an anime actually..#I think the last one I watched was Komi can't communicate???#uhhhhhh that's the last thing I remember watching at least before starting to buy manga#maybe after school gets out I can start watching again guys#I never actually finished Death Note either hold on#now I wanna watch stuff wait HAHA#I think I mainly stopped watching anime tho bc it just wasn't one of my top priorities anymore#and probably bc I was nervous to say it was an interest of mine 😐😐#but dude I have so many animes I still wanna watch (like jjk and stuff)#binged Naruto up to season five in like a week or so#I remember that I'm happened..#need to pick that back up again too..#OMG WAIT I CAN GET BACK INTO DEMON SLAYER AGAIN#I remember watching that when s2 wasn't out yet and I rlly liked it :33#I think there's more now??#never got to watch the movie unfortunately#(still mad abt getting spoiled for that. It was like THEE biggest spoiler EVER for the movie)#I think I'd have too many hyperfixations then tho..#I might go and uh.. watch some stuff now after finishing my wuwa dailies..#oh dear guys#you might have to hear my yapping if I do start watching anime again#bc now I rlly want to 😼😼
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Once... Once the Prologue ha been refreshed, I'll be once again done with 1/8th of the story...
Prologue, the six cases, then an epilogue....
So much to do, but 1/8th of such a huge project is nothing to sniff at, either!
The prologue has 5 chapters second-drafted at the current moment, with about 20k words to its name. That's a lot!!! That is so many words!!!
And that's still not the whole prologue, ofc...
#I'm actually excited to write the future cases too!!!#I don't feel nearly as much dread as I used to#I think this writing program/system I've come up with is really helping me out#and if I can keep writing consistently every day? I can knock this out#I CAN do this I wrote 50k in a week I CAN do this#How much did I write today...#Counting earlier this morning from right before I went to bed I'd say about 3k total today#And by “today” I mean... technically yesterday morning and this morning#so it's probably more like 1.5k#THAT'S STILL GOOD PROGRESS THO#But the next new chapter is. Going to be really anxiety inducing.#Gonna have to write for a bunch of characters and not all of them were ones I've written for before anjkdfnjdkgls#Looking at YOU Rantaro...#But I can get through it!!! I can!!!#--wait I might need more two extra chapters aaaa#GDI#At least Kiibo and Kaito aren't.... bad#I'm mostly just nervous as hell about Rantaro dnkjnfjds
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fully intended and foreseen consequence of coping better with my anxiety is that this blog will at some point inevitably become More Cringe and that point is SO close on the horizon. if you get mad at me for posting things i like on my blog that is for me you clearly have more issues than i do for worrying abt that possibility for hours on end
#its tumblr were all cringe here. fucking grow up or leave genuinely#also i literally tag everything im into + trigger tags too. block tags or just unfollow me theres no hard feelings i prommy#anyway. ive been falling back into creepypasta which ive mentioned before i was super into as a teen! fun stuff#i love that the fandom is still alive and doing fun new stuff :') theres such good art out there!! and character interpretations!!!!#and ive also gotten really into league lore over the past few months actually. the arcane fixation has morphed#basically it went 'this character looks cool whats their deal. whats this region like. oh another neat character lets look into that'#and then suddenly i know too much™️ bc hyperfixations for me are about gathering information and stories like a raccoon#i have FEELINGS about it. post probably incoming soon abt that#and BRIAR!! shes a little gremlin i kind of love her already#levi.txt#will i delete this in the morning? lets see#but for real tho. im doing really good lately. things arent perfect but i feel like a person for once#i can talk to strangers without acting like a trapped prey animal! it turns out im fucking funny actually! people like my jokes#im SLEEPING again. regularly. that was an issue for nearly a year and im doing ok again (not perfect but hey! ~8hrs!!)#i can just. sit around in public now and not feel like im on a hidden camera show where everyone is judging the way i breathe#slowly switching from self deprecation 'i want to die' jokes to 'im literally gods favourite prince and the hottest bitch alive'#i still get really nervous but it doesnt feel like a personal flaw and it doesnt feel insurmountable anymore#so yeah naturally thats going to come with (hopefully) a lot less shame around things that i like#just asking kindly that people are normal abt it. this is me thriving i guess
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Just got three more job apps out and on a list for employers to reach out to me if they think I'd be a good fit! (It had a lil essay spot to tell what u can do, what u like to do for work, etc and I think I did well in that spot!)
Got some filming done earlier so now all i need to do is edit that, post it, get the vacuuming done, do some Prolific, and figure out something for Housemate's bday bc Bday is coming up! (which is all I'm saying cuz i know ae will see this post. Not a huge surprise or anything but just A Little Something bc i want to 🫂)
I know im probably gonna drop tomorrow and get nothing done, but for today. For today, I am vaguely productive 🙌!
#text post#that said my legs are still v shaky post filming so i may have slightly overdone that but u know what? idc aksndjfng#my cane has shipped and should be here soon so I'll be fine even if the legs fuss for the next few days#the job apps are going out hard again bc the university isn't getting back to anyone on if they're keeping us employed for the fall or not#so i am Nervous! abt that and want to get ahead of a possible layoff as much as i can#which isn't much really but better than nothing lol#im not really ready for the fatigue drop to hit tomorrow but that's just How It's Been since i had covid this last time#and pretending it isn't happening hasn't been helping so like im not happy abt it but I'll acknowledge it at least aksndjfngj#enough typing tho bc laptop needs opening for posting and prolific!! so i can get to the vacuuming!
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i start that new job tomorrow 😶 ...
#... im not sure if itll be a full day or just 'more paperwork/general tour/training' tho kinda hopin for maybe like a half day TwT;;#im very nervous and considering taking one of the old anxiety meds i still have#from when i was in therapy. except idk if theyre still in date + they made me feel like a zombie which is why i stopped taking them lol#like i was SO out of it on them. but would that be preferable 2 the feeling of Soon Entering Cardiac Arrest levels of anxiety im having rn?#maybe...#+ going to take a sleeping pill around 10 to make sure i dont stay up all night freaking myself out#jkdkjfhjjk can my brain be normal about this. i havent even started the job yet calm down!!! calm down!!! its ok!!!!#i just feel so bad bc everyone has been rly nice. like 'omg yay u found a chill job w insurance RIGHT before u get kicked off urs thats#great ik youll do well!!' and its like well what if i DONT do well what if i freak out again. and self sabotage. then what. like i KNOW#its bad and i KNOW what i SHOULD be doing but its like herding geese over here in my brain zone. painful and bad and i dont understand why#things happen at all its confusing and frustrating to deal with#logically i know i need a job. i need to pay my debts and start saving and I WANT to move out! but its like that fine dining and breathing#scene from spongebob. brain on fire. lol#sanchoyorambles
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Honestly, knowing this event is (presumably) ending on my birthday is already the best gift I could ever get
#negative#from a viewer perspective it’s been a mixed bag#the lines between rp abd cc’s just goofing around feel really weird a lot of the time tho#which is more a me issue ig- idk- I still don’t know how I feel about this all and conflicts and stuff- I’ll have to wait and see#just rly wish it didn’t happen in the middle of so many big personal arcs#the streams have mostly been fun- cuz I the streamers are making it fun#from a fandom perspective it’s been hell and I want to go back to how things were before this badly-#not even in a ‘annoying fans’ way but a ‘wow everyone seems upset all the time’ way#anyone remember Halloween? Halloween was fun….#im just tired and nervous that this is gonna be a Doomsday level event where everything’s gonna be miserable for awhile fandom wise#but like……. I am The Worrier so- lol-#idk……. might try to force myself to take a break tomorrow- just not feeling it rn#can’t even like indulge in hyperfixes or pre-purgatory lore stuff cuz my brain feels weird/bad about it#( not anyone’s fault- my brain is just like that lol )#idk……….. maybe I’ll feel better after I get a full nights rest after tomorrow#vent#at least the fanart is great
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