#even tho a trainer has confirmed that she doesn’t think i’m doing anything wrong

[teabookgremlin]

i’ve been obsessively checking facebook i feel like a boomer

[thevtykatee]

One More Light

Here I am today, 20th July. Well, actually it’s the 21st now because it’s around 2am, however, I’m still not sleeping. I can’t. Blankly staring at the wall, feeling so empty. I’ve never thought that losing someone who doesn’t… didn’t even know you, and lives… lived on the other side of the world can cause so much pain. Yes. Here I am today, 20th July, and I’m talking about Chester Bennington. I’m kinda lost for words, speechless, yet I have so much on my mind. My head is full and empty at the same time. It’s a strange and scary feeling. But I guess if you’re one of those people who’ve admired and loved him, you know this feeling too. Chester was the best. Like literally one of the best people I’ve ever “known”. He inspired many people around the world, many of us, including me, to always keep fighting. No. Matter. What. I remember that I was around 13 or 14 when I first heard one of Linkin Park’s songs. And since then, I have always had a place for this band in my heart, even tho that back then I couldn’t have imagined how much Linkin Park and especially Chester’s going to help me. And how much influence this man is going to have on my life. Anxiety disorder is no fun. Not a single mental illness is fun, unless you’re mad and enjoying the fact that you’re fighting with your own mind while no one believes you and everyone think’s you’re just simply mad, talking bullshit and you’re an idiot. I’ve had to postpone a year in high school because my anxiety turned that bad that I couldn’t actually leave the house without getting anxious, without getting an anxiety attack at least once a day. And during these times, especially at the beginning, only one thing kept me going. One thing, a band, that is called Linkin Park. And one person has given me so much strength. And that was Chester. I knew that he had drug and alcohol problems, and that he was struggling with it for years, but I also knew that he has never given up fighting and he got out of that deep hole he was in. All because he did not give up. And all because one song that Mike wrote, which is one of their most known songs, Breaking The Habit helped him to get through those hard times he had. (Heard him saying this in an interview.) And knowing all of this has given me so much strength, I knew I have to keep fighting, because I cannot be a coward and giving up is NOT an option. I know that in my previous posts about how Our Last Night has helped me I wrote about the exact same thing, but trust me, it’s not the same. OLN helped me to get out of the hole I was in, but Linkin Park and Chester helped me through it, to fight my way through that hole and find my way out of it, and never ever give up while I’m in it because I’m stronger than that. I even wrote a letter to Chester, I wrote my whole story in it, and then tweeted him about it… and guess what. He replied. Chester Bennington tweeted me. He told me he’s gonna read my letter. But well, he has never received it. I had it hand-written, and I’ve sent it to one of my friends, who was about to give it to him at a meet & greet. And why didn’t she give it to him? Because she couldn’t. 2 shows before that show, Chester broke his ankle and the rest of that tour was cancelled. That’s my luck. But still, he at least knew about the letter. :) And that’s just enough for me. This was back in 2015, but before that I saw them play in Vienna, luckily from the first row, so I could even get really close to him, to them, to the whole band. And this summer, I saw them play again, but this time in Hungary. It was such an unforgettable show. And today.. well. Today. I was having my riding class and my trainer asked me and my friend about that show. He said that we gotta tell him everything. So I told him that it was sooooo freaking awesome, and it was one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. Then, after riding, when we were on our way to the mall to buy a dress for me for my friend’s upcoming wedding. I was playing music from my phone and it was in shuffle mode. Crawling started playing, and I had a sudden thought of skipping it, but for some reason I was like “well. let’s just listen to it and enjoy the voice of my favorite singer.” So yeah, and then in the mall, I was walking around in a store and suddenly I bumped into a girl who was wearing a Linkin Park shirt. I was like woahh, it’s all about LP today. But right now it just scary. It’s just scary to think that these all were signs. Everywhere I went there was sth about Linkin Park… and then I checked my phone. To take a look at my Facebook. That was the moment when I saw the news. I was in shock. I was in so fucking shock, that I just waved at first, and said “Naaaah, this can’t be true, this can’t be, this is fake”. But in the meantime I was terrified that what if… what if it’s true, but no, it can’t be, I decided that I’m not gonna believe anything until I see sth from the band. And then Mike tweeted it. He confirmed it. It is true. Chester died by suicide. The person who I saw 3 weeks ago, who was my hero, who had such a big impact on my life is now have passed away. Needless to say… my heart shattered into a million pieces. I just simply am not able to process this whole thing, I don’t think I will ever be able to fully process it. Because it feels like a terrible nightmare that can’t be true. But this time it is not a nightmare. It’s reality. We’ve all lost an amazing person, who held our hands with music and with his voice through our worst moments and also through our bests. And this is the part where I have no idea how to continue this post, because I am lost for words from now on. I cannot continue writing cause I won’t be able to see the keyboard through my tears. So maybe I should just wrap this up, right here right now. Thank you Chester Bennington for being this amazingly awesome person, and thank you for helping so many people around the world with your presence here and everywhere on the world through your music. Thank you for being there for me through music when I was at my worst and felt like no one in this world understands me but you. You brought all of us joy and tears, your voice can never be mistaken for someone else’s. Your voice is therapy. You’re a hero. And sometimes heroes don’t wear capes. They wear tattoos and they scream for me when I can’t do it myself. You’re a legend. And legends never die, because their legacy lives on. Always in our hearts. Rest in peace, goodbye, my friend.

And for the end of this post after bawling my eyes out… I gotta mention mental health. This world is cruel, and heartless. We need to be there for each other. Always. We need to look out for each other, because mental health issues are no joke. We all should take it seriously BEFORE things go wrong… not just after that. Not just fucking after that. Yeah, it’s easy to realize the damage after it’s been done. But you have to walk with your eyes open and see it before everything goes down. And if you need help, please, be brave enough to ask for it. Please speak up. Raise awareness. And most importantly, just please care, everyone, care for each other, and be there. Always be there, no matter what.