#i still feel stupid for crying in my journalism class right next to jack. he could probably hear me.

[muttsona]

THAT WON'T MAKE ME WANT TO DIE ANY LESS.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I haven’t written to you in a long time, it’s been over a year. A lot of stuff has changed but I can’t really say for the better. I’ve written and rewritten this too many times and I don’t feel like telling you all the bad shit that’s happened because it would be too much. I don’t feel like explaining all of the things that got me to this point because nobody cares. I guess the gist of it, as it always is with me, is that I’m sad. I’m so fucking sick of having to say that but there’s nothing else. A lot of the time since I’ve first written to you, I’ve been sad. All the contents of the letters I’ve sent you have been about me being sad. I wish there was something else for me to tell you and I wish I wasn’t running out of ways to say the same thing. I guess I can give you the short version, if that’s possible, about what’s happened.

The last time I’d sent you a letter, I had stopped taking my medications. I didn’t like how I felt on them because they made me feel like a zombie, even though I’d been on them for almost four years (I’m angry it took me that long to figure it out, but that’s another story). I stopped taking them completely cold turkey — no weening or tapering — and hadn’t talked to my therapist in months because she closed her practice (another different story).

I was manic after they were out of my system, so I thought I felt better. When I went back to school in the fall, I ended up spiraling about a month into the semester and barely ended up passing my classes. I’d be too depressed to leave my dorm or really do anything that wasn’t lying on my bed and staring at nothing. It might’ve been the worst depressive episode I’ve ever had, but I can’t really say that because this time I didn’t go to the hospital for swallowing four bottles of pills (even if I’d been planning it). Either way, I dropped out of college.

At the time, I just thought I’d withdrawal for the spring semester. I told my family how shitty I was doing — well, just my brother because he was the one who talked to me most when he’d drive me back to campus after weekends home — and they said that I should do whatever I need to feel better. They didn’t say it, but I think my parents were angry.

I’ve been living at home since. I got a new therapist and I’ve been seeing her for about six months. Recently, she had me book an appointment with the psychiatrist she works with and, let me tell you, having a competent psychiatrist makes it all the more obvious of how incompetent my last one was. Seven years of therapy, medications, and hospitalizations but I could never get a solid diagnosis that felt right until now. It took him a thirty minute session and the notes my therapist gave him — he had a diagnosis by the time I finished explaining my history of mental health. He thinks I have Bipolar Type II — I didn’t even know there was different types but, after he explained, it made a lot of sense to me. I know it might take a while to find a medication or three that can even me out. We’ve already tried one prescription and that ended up making me feel worse, but at least he knows his shit.

There’s other stuff I’m leaving out, either because I forget or I don’t feel like going into it, but that’s the gist. I know the last letter I wrote talked about Jack. Rereading it now makes me feel stupid and talking about it makes me feel weird, but I don’t love him anymore. It’d be downplaying it and invalidating to myself if I said I never loved him at all, but I do feel that way. Things are good with him though, we’re still friends and nothing’s really changed. We kind of just pretend that the whole “I got high one night and confessed to being madly in love with you over text at 3 am” thing never happened and, I have to say, I’m glad.

Everything else is pretty much the same, so I guess this is gonna sound like every other letter I’ve sent. Except, this time, I don’t have the energy to make it sound beautiful. I did that a lot, I know. I would type out every ugly thought in my head and tried use words so beautiful that maybe people reading would forget how horrible what I said was (if people could even stomach to read such depressing shit). I wish I had the energy, I really do, and I’m still going to try; it might not work, but it’s entirely possible that it never did.

You ever talk to your siblings and find out they’re way less traumatized by the way your parents raised you than you are? Because I did recently. My sister and I tend not to talk about personal stuff, but the conversation sparked up anyway. It turns out that, of the three of us, I’m the only one who has a constant, underlying resentment for our parents. I already knew it was different for my brother because he only started living with us when he was sixteen, but I didn’t know that it was different for my sister.

She forgives them for way more and gives them the benefit of the doubt whenever she can. I’ve never been able to do that, at least not for about ten years. I know she has different experiences than I do too, but I thought that she was angrier than she is. That’s just me, I guess. Her relationship with them is good, if not great now; her and mom are the closest they’ve ever been and she’s in an alright place with dad since she was stuck in Virginia for a few months during quarantine. I feel like I’ve never been in such a bad place with them. Ever since I started talking to my new therapist, I’ve started realizing how fucked up the way they raised me was and that it still manifests itself in the things I do. How do I not resent them after that?

She suggested having the three of us sit down with my therapist and talk about it — and that’s just about the last thing I wanna do, but it’s gonna end up happening because I don’t want to hate them. They aren’t bad parents. It’s hard for me to say that, but they aren’t. Lately, since I’ve started thinking about all this, it’s been difficult. I have a really short temper with them now, the littlest things they do can piss me off and it’s next to impossible for me to be in a good mood around them. This didn’t used to happen. Who can say if they notice too? You’d think they would pick up on a sudden, negative change in their kid’s behavior but, then again, they were oblivious to the fact that I was depressed until I told my gym teacher I was going to kill myself.

It can go one of a few ways — either they surprise me by acknowledging what they’ve done is horrible and apologizing whether they remember doing it or not, they cry and make me feel guilty, or they defend what they’ve done and we’re left off in a worse place than before. Either way, they’ll know how I feel and I don’t care for that shit at all. She suggested I write a letter and is holding me to the fact that I wanna do this before the month ends (except I forgot that mom’s going on a week-long vacation starting Monday and then dad is going on a different vacation the same day she gets back, maybe I’ll just do it separately, it’ll probably be easier that way).

The thing is…I feel like, even if they did apologize, I wouldn’t stop being angry. They’ve traumatized me in ways I don’t know if I can heal from and I’ll never know what it’s like to not live like that. What makes it worse, at least to me, is knowing that I’m the only one. They didn’t treat either of my siblings the same way they treated me. I’m the only one they first started calling a slut at age ten. I’m the only one they accused of being pregnant each month  I’m the only one whose stuff they went through and journals they read. I’m the only one they accused of doing drugs for trivial shit like an empty ziplock bag under my bed or going to a costume party. I’m the only one whose messages they’d “sneakily” read. I’m the only one they instantly and consistently assumed was doing something wrong and then punished because of it. I’m the only one they shamed about their weight or humiliated after puberty started. I’m the only one whose interests got made fun of or invalidated when I got excited about them. I’m the only one who was (and still is) held to ridiculous standards for school, even after it was known that I was mentally ill. I’m the only one they’d complain about not having friends, but turn around and refuse to let go to a friend’s house when I’d ask. I’m the only one they’d get angry at for being depressed.

I’d still be angry if I knew they did that to my sister too, because that’s just a fucked up way to treat a child, but it makes me even more angry that it was just me. Because, what the fuck? I never gave them a reason to not trust me. Shit, the craziest thing I’d done as a kid was make a “potion” out of rainwater and berries in the backyard (and it’s not like that’s an exclusive thing, I know tons of people who did that too). The craziest thing I’d done as a teenager was want to die, but that was after all this had started — even if it wasn’t, that’s not an excuse, they shouldn’t be mad at me for having mental health issues.

But, I’m still dealing with the repercussions of all this. I can’t think about sex without feeling so guilty I want to hurt myself, I can’t see them near any my things without being paranoid they’re going to go through them, I can’t fucking do or say anything when I’m around them without being worried their reactions will be to humiliate or try to punish me. I’m twenty fucking years old and I still think like that.

So, I don’t want to talk to them. I know I’ll never stop being angry without an apology (if I can stop being angry at all), but that’s the thing about instilling communication issues in your child because they’re so afraid of how you’ll react that they decide never to share anything at all — they don’t wanna talk to you about anything! I don’t wanna talk to them but I know I have to, because my therapist said, eventually, I’ll hit a wall that will prevent me from ever moving forward with them. I already see it happening, but I’d be lying if I said that helps at all.

Love Always, The Reversed Star 07 | 24 | 20 P.S. yeah, I’m using a new pseudonym again

[misfitsluug]

| 2 | callmefitz

jschlatt is in this chapter, i wanna include him cus he deserves more appreciation and recognition so if you don't know him, i recommend watching him :)

/ carson. /

▕▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▏

サンクチュアリー: sanctuary.

a place of refuge or safety.

eg: "It's kind of like my sanctuary, I guess."

-

recap:

That's why I feel people's faces sometimes, just to know them.

I want to know the guy behind me.

-

"Carson, don't tell me your gonna end up being one of those guys who fall asleep during math class!" Sara whispers shout, poking my head to "wake" me up. I wasn't even asleep, just contemplating life. It's only my second class and I already feel like going home. Unfortunately, the guy that sounded nice isn't in this class, not that I know of. "I already feel like I'm sleeping. I'm actually blind, Sara, in case you forgot about that," I spoke sarcastically, Sara groaned and her footsteps became distant which made me chuckle under my breath. I sighed, listening to the teacher blabber on about math while I wrote in my journal. For some reason, out of every other day, I choose to act like an asshole today.

But when am I not an asshole?

"Carson, fuck dude, what's up," A familiar voice spoke beside me, I smiled and reached my hand out toward the voice, feeling their face. "Carson, get your greasy hand off me. You know who I am."

"Aw, you're no fun, Schlatt," I complained as my hand was smacked away.

"Yeah? Look who's talking."

"Oh, haha very funny, you jerk," I replied, getting back to writing. Schlatt, or Jason, has been my friend for a while. We just started talking randomly and ever since then, we got along, now we're good friends. I don't mind though, he's a nice guy. "Anyways, so I just sold out on my merch and holy shit, am I gonna be drowning in fucking green paper," He mentioned, laughing at the end, he's also a YouTuber so it doesn't surprise me that he has some cash in his pockets. I wanted to be a YouTuber before I was blind, I was hoping that it was something temporary and it wasn't. I've never had a real job before either. 

"Yeah? I bought a shirt."

"You did? You better not be lyin' to me or I'm gonna scream at you. Scream in your ears, Carson."

"Yeah? Maybe I'll keep touching your face with my greasy hands," I was joking but at the same time, I wasn't joking. Secretly in my mind, the guy from last class was still in my mind. Never have I been so curious about a dude that I've never fucking met, it's strange. "Schlatt, do me a favor?"

"Uh sure, what is it?"

"Can you tell me if there's like a... dude with blonde hair and blue eyes in this class?"

"I- uhm- well," I listen to him turn around and wait for a response. "Yeah, yeah there's some tall fucker all the way in the back with like two other people."

"Huh, okay. Good to know."

"How'd you know that?"

"I guessed, I like to imagine what people look like when I only hear their voice. It's kinda quirky," I muttered, getting back to writing. Jason didn't respond until he gasped, whispering to me. "Carson, they're pointing at us. Carson, why'd you make me do this?"

"Y-You're asking the wrong questions to a blind guy," I yelled at him quietly, I panicked and I felt my hands shake. Did I really embarrass him that badly? "Hey, you're going to be fine. That tall guy is gonna be okay and so are we. Plus, now you have a better chance to talk with him."

"What's his name?" I asked immediately, my tone was desperate and I knew that Jason knew as well. 

"I don't know, I'm sorry," He whispered, I let out a shaky sigh and kept writing. I swear I can feel him staring at me, I wonder what he's thinking about. Probably about why a computer engineer and a blind guy are talking about him. Maybe he wants to talk to me? It's hard to tell coming from a blind guy. This fucking sucks.

"Okay, I'm going to end our lesson here," The teacher sighed, letting us leave. It felt earlier than usual or maybe it was just me. "Hey Carson, I gotta go but I can help you to your next class if you want," Jason offered, I smiled a little and agreed. Slouching my backpack across my shoulder and placing my other hand on Jason's shoulder to walk out of class properly, pulling my long cane out while letting go of Jason. "Oh fuck, Carson, the tall dude from class is coming up to us," Schlatt spoke nervously, I listened to the running footsteps behind us.

"You've gotta be shitting me-"

"Hey, uhm-" The guy spoke beside me and I swear I almost started crying right then and there because he has a pretty nice voice and accent. "Can I get your name real quick?"

"C-Carson. What's your name?"

"Cameron, it's nice to meet you," He chuckled at the end and I stopped in my tracks. "Uh Carson, we're gonna be-"

"Why are you talking to me, Cameron?" I asked, ignoring Jason and tapping my cane anxiously.

"You forgot your ruler, I just wanted to give it back."

"Oh wow, thanks, dude. That ruler is very important to me."

"Yeah yeah, so uh- sorry I'm just gonna-" Cameron's hand grabbed mine and placed the ruler on the palm of my hand as I curled my fingers around it. His hand still holding mine until I moved it away, I wish I didn't do that because his hand felt nice too. "Sorry if that was weird."

"No no, I don't mind," I smiled, mentally getting ready to scream at myself for acting like a retard. "Oh well, I gotta go but I'll see you around later. Is that okay?"

"O-Oh yeah, no uh- go ahead and thank you for giving me back my r-ruler."

"Heh, anytime, Carson," Cameron answered, walking away leaving me extremely kiddish. I  almost dropped my long cane as I searched for Jason, my hands flailing all over the place. "Schlatt? Schlatt, where the fuck are you?"

"I'm right here buddy! You fucking did it, bro! That was amazing," Jason cheered, his arms wrapping around me. He let go shortly, shaking my shoulders excitedly. I never had such a good evening, it's absolutely fucking bonkers. "We really need to go to class, Carson," Schlatt said more worried than before, letting go of my shoulders in the process.

"You go to your own class. I'll get to mine alone, plus they can't say jack shit about a blind kid being late."

"Well, alright. I'll catch ya later, okay?"

"Yep, I'll see you soon," I answered and began making my way to class. Long story short, I'm gonna be thinking about Cameron a lot.

-

It's my sixth class right now and I've never been so fucking tired. I wanna go back to sleep, but I'm still thinking about Cameron and the stupid ruler. I hate sitting in the front row, sighing and rubbing my eyes while yawning, getting my materials out for my English class.

"Should I talk to him?" A voice is distant from where I'm at asking, it sounds familiar. "I don't know bro, just go talk to him. Don't be such a pussy, Cam," His friend replies, the voice sounds kind of similar to the other, almost feminine. "Shut up, asshole," He answers and stands up, footsteps coming towards...

me.

"Hey, Carson," Cameron greets, a chair dragging across the wood floor as he sits next to me. His pencil writing on his paper as it grinds against the desk. 

"Hello, Cameron. How are you doing so far?" I asked nonchalantly, or at least try too. 

"Been okay, I'm tired as fuck though. I hate my next fucking classes, not gonna lie."

"Oh, you have a seventh class? Sucks for you," I snorted, my cheeks in pain from smiling too much.

"Of course, the fucking blind guy only has six classes. What do you do the rest with your free time then?"

"There's this like weird garden at the back of the school that I found one day, it's kind of like my sanctuary, I guess. It's stupid."

"Oh, I think I know the garden you're talking about. Are there any cigar buds underneath the bench?" 

"Yeah, a few, I step on them sometimes. Why?"

"Well, those are from me. Sorry if that ruins the whole experience," Cameron laughed for a second, making me lose my mind. "No no, it doesn't ruin it at all. I'm glad we both like that garden."

"Wanna hang out there after this class? I'm down to skip my last class whenever."

"Hm, I don't know. I'm really going to have to think about this. Man, I've never thought this hard before in my life, what should I say?"

"Probably yes."

"Then yes, I would love to hang out there."

=1520 WORDS.=

[xladyxfatex]

Chapter Eleven

Meanwhile Jack had gotten himself back to King Balor, who of course was almost as mad as the alpha brother Hardy was. Jack just chuckled. 

“Oh calm down oh great one, there's a wonderful reason we didn’t take your path. Young Jessica heard a whimpering crying woman in an alleyway, one that I’m sure you didn’t place there. She took off like a bat out of hell towards the sounds, and came across a battered and beaten woman. She kept a look for me but I remained hidden interested in what the little gem would do.” A huge smile broke out on Jack’s face as he continued to tell Balor what he witnessed. “Our little gem isn’t just a werewolf, oh no, she’s a witch, more specifically a healer. It would seem. The healing spell she used was a Dutch one at that, I’d bet good money the Black family taught her it.” 

Balor had kept an eye on Jessica for a long time, years now, he knew she was something different, but a rare hybrid, one that hasn’t been seen in thousands of years more so one of which there was only two of ever before her. This was unreal and quickly realized he’d be another one added to the list to protect her. 

“I’ll be starting school with you on Monday. Start calling me Finn.” Balor had to get closer to the girl to see, to know for himself, and attending a school for the “gift” was just what he’d be doing.

New rules were put in place for Jessica the next morning, she was allowed to date, BUT only after both brothers meet, talked with, and approved of said boys. Jessica simply nodded, she knew things would get harder but in all fairness the rule wasn’t that bad, what was bad was the fact that as punishment she couldn’t actually go running tonight after her shift. The rest of the year past in blurr after that. Jack kinda just disappeared without rhyme or reason, and a new Irish classmate began school. Finn was his name and to Jessica he smelled almost of burning leaves and leather. She did her best to avoid him but he seemed to be everywhere, and sooner or later she gave up and allowed him to become friends with her.

Senior year arrived, Jessica was still in her typical garb, expect every now and then she’d wear skinny jeans or even a skirt. This year her hair was done raven black with red framing her face. Jeff kept going to school and training at the wrestling school alongside Matt, while doing weekend show cases. Jessica kept her training up at home, and every once and awhile her brothers would watch her. They’d be lying to say she didn’t have what it took to be in ring, but that wasn’t where they wanted her, and this year she was applying for colleges, starting in October in hopes of early acceptance, which really with a 4.0 GPA and all the extracurricular stuff she did after school, plus being in College and Advanced classes, it was no doubt in the brothers mind she could get anywhere she wanted. One night after dinner Jeff took the plunge and asked his little sister.

“So little one, what are your plans once we graduate? Anything fancy you want to do?” He deeply hoped it wouldn't be wrestling. Every weekend she had to heal their muscles, joints and tendons, they were lucky they hadn’t received anything worse in the injury department.  Jess looked Jeff right in the eyes and spoke with as much confidence as she could muster.

“ Well I would either like to go to wrestling school finally, or maybe college to become a sports journalist. I know whatever I do, and become, I want to try and stay close to you two at the end of it all.” Jess smiled and eyes sparkled. 

“I think a career in sports journalism would be best for you. You’ve seen how hurt we get just doing weekend shows.” Matt chimed in hoping to reason with his sister. It wasn’t that she couldn’t do it, it was far from that it was that they really didn’t want her hurt. Sighing Jessica spoke.

“Ya know, you're not the only two who want me to go into sports journalism instead of wrestling. Finn said the same thing.”  It was true, even though Jeff had dropped out before their senior year to pursue wrestling with Matt on a full time basis, this left Jess with no one really at school except for Finn. Whom needless to say the boys already knew was a demon and they weren’t exactly happy having a demon around their sister all the time. However Finn seemed to prove to be a good influence, loyal friend, and protective to a fault of Jessica.It would also seem he had the same ideas about Jess not becoming a wrestler just like them. Yeah the boys slowly accepted Finn into their wrestling group, they were still just as garuded as Jessica was about letting someone close after the huge fall out with Aleister and the way it left them horribly broken. 

“Well little one, maybe the three of us are right? I mean come on you definitely know we would never tell you something that wasn’t true, and Finn I mean you two seem pretty close. How’d that happen anyways?” Jeff was genuinely curious after all she didn’t even let the two girls from her freshman year as close as she allowed Finn to get and honestly that worried Jeff. He didn’t want to see his sister hurt like that again, he knew Finn was already getting ready to pursue wrestling after graduation just like he and Matt had already done. Jessica cocked her head to the side and thought about it.

“Well he just showed up at school after that date I had with Jack, and he just kinda kept showing up wherever I was, whether it was my classes, lunch period, or extracurriculars, oh by the way I’m doing the dance and gymnastics again this year. Anyways he always tried talking to me, and one day I just gave in. Ever since we’ve kinda become friends, but I still won’t let him too close. You know why I won’t either.” Jessica huffed at the end of her sentence, and  both brothers just nodded. “However Finn is suppose to be here soon, we have a test to study for and he wanted me to watch his new in ring moves.” Once again the boys nodded, they’d have to admit the demon was good in ring, and though Jessica didn’t use her healing spells on him, she did use tonics and potions that she claim she got from a healers shop for using on the boys for when they were hurt. She really couldn’t stand seeing people hurt. 

‘He’s coming here today? You know that we are leaving in a few hours for shows for the week. Just be careful and don’t do something stupid, like show your magic or having sex” Jeff huffed and Jessica and Matt both srunched up their faces. Honestly Jessica found Finn cute but he was becoming more brother material then lover, which in its own ways scared her, because no matter how much she tried she would find herself at times thinking of Aleister and their once bond that was now gone. It hurt and she wasn’t sure she should ever let someone that close, and if she couldn’t let a friend that close how on Earth was she going to let someone close enough to sleep with them. Yeah she was a 16 year old senior who had a bright future and shockingly enough was still as pure as the day she was born, it also didn’t help any that her damn wolf still would remind her of the boy she met when she was four and tell her that she had to find him. Sometimes she really hated her inner wolf. 

“Jeff that’s so gross! I’m still pure unlike you two, and if I can’t even let someone close enough to be a friend, what makes you think I could let someone close enough to sleep with them? Come on, you might be the Alpha since dad up and disappeared but you really should know me better than that.” Jess just shook her head how could her brother be so stupid. “Besides Finn has some demon girlfriend not sure who she is since she isn’t in our school but he seems rather happy. At least he seems happy till he needs advice, which is weird cause I mean how am I supposed to know anything about dating.” Jessica shrugged and went to clean up the breakfast plates. “Hey! Do you think it would be possible to major in sports journalism and minor in like I don’t culinary? I mean if I could find a school that offered both.” Truth was she had found one and since she was going to be alone, No Matt, Finn, or Jeff, she wanted to keep herself as busy as possible when she went off to college, not to mention she really did love cooking. Matt looked at his sister, grabbed her wrist and took her outside. Matt had been worried about the youngest for awhile now, ever since Jeff dropped out at the start of the school year and with her 16th birthday just weeks away, he needed to make sure she was okay.

“Jessie, how have you been? Honestly don’t give me the ‘everything and me are fine’ you just asked about taking a major and minor in college, you’re about to be 16, graduating high school and moving on to bigger things. I know we aren’t around and we won’t be for your birthday-” He was abruptly cut off by his sister’s growl.

“You both won’t be here for my birthday, let me guess, another show right? You know what! NO I’m not okay! I’m always alone unless Finn comes over, I have no one anymore, I miss my former best friend Aleister and his mother Gwendolyn every day. I miss my mother, there are holes in my life that can never be filled by just adding new people, and now, now you and Jeff are hardly around. You know what FUCK YOU BOTH why don’t you both just take off just like dad did!” Jessica broke down crying, nothing was ever good enough she’d always be alone, maybe that was why there were no other hybrids like her, maybe they always got left behind and left alone. Matt wrapped his arms around his baby sister, he never had any idea just how lonely she felt in this world, how their absent made her feel. They just wanted to make sure she had what she needed, but in the end what he was just now made to see was she needed them more than anything else in this world. 

[boytoykevinday]

ravey with 19 i would actually die

Hello, yes, here’s some fluff and pining.

Prompt: “I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me” that became a slight friends to enemies to friends to lovers.Era: Modern AU

Word count: 3,287

Warnings: just a bit of swearing

Other things: nonbinary Albert (they/them), side Kid Blink/Mush, Elmer/Jojo, Albert/Finch, Jack/his feelings

Race had never been in love. He’d had relationships, had thought it was love - in the end, it was all physical, or just a fleeting attraction. Nothing like the TV tried to sell, or scientific journals tried to explain.

Breathlessness.

Racing heart.

Sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach.

He’d never felt desperate to be with someone, nor felt such fervent desire that it was near unbearable.

There was even scientific proof that if you’re in love you don’t feel physical pain as severely.

He was shaken from his reverie by two hands slamming down onto the coffee table where he had all of his books - that he was definitely reading - spread about. Maybe shaken wasn’t the best word actually -

“Fucking hell, Al, I nearly just shit myself,” Race’s heart was beating a mile a minute - wasn’t that a sign of love?

“Charming.”

Race felt his shoulders clench at Davey saying a simple weird. Like always, he resorted to being mean. “Well, if you don’t like how I talk to my friends, you can just leave.”

Race saw a flash of something in Davey’s eyes that made him almost regret how harsh his words were. Almost. Davey had just walked through the door, and he was already being cruel to him. He’d just told him to leave his own goddamn apartment, which - even for Race - was a bit much.

He had no idea why it all started, but it was an accepted truth - Davey and Race did not get along. They’d grown up together, had been best friends, until junior year of high school, when Davey had started to pull away. Eventually growing apart had turned to this, something just shy of hatred.

“Jacobs,” Race said flatly.

“Higgins,” Davey responded just as flatly. “Tidy up when you’re done pretending to study. It’s movie night and we’re hosting.”

With that he headed towards the kitchen.

Albert sighed. “Racer, why you gotta be so cruel to him?”

“What?! He was cruel first!”

“He literally just made a comment about how you shitting yourself was gross, and you told him to leave his own apartment,” they sighed again. “If I had made the comment, would you have yelled at me?”

Race turned back to his books and ignored the look Albert was giving him.

~

“Have you tidied your mess?”

“If you would use your eyes, you can see that I have,” Race snapped back. “What’s the point of wearing glasses if you don’t use your eyes?”

“I was just asking, Higgins. You don’t need to be rude.”

“I don’t need to be rude? I can’t go five minutes without you judging me.”

Davey did what he always did and stalked into his room, slamming the door. Point Race.

The rest of their friends arrived an hour later; Jack was either carrying an action film, or a sad pretentious one, depending on if he had broken up with his newest fling.

“Pizza rolls?” Elmer yelled towards the kitchen.

“You will have nothing until you remove your shoes, Elmer. And you don’t have to yell.”

“Alrighty, mother dearest.” Davey rolled his eyes with a smile.

“So, Jacky,” Davey said as he placed a tray of pizza rolls on the coffee. “I see that the film you brought is in black and white. What was her name again?”

Race couldn’t help it - he burst out laughing. Davey turned to him with surprise and a small smile.

He felt himself flush - due to the heat of having so many bodies in a small space, he was sure.

“I’m going to get some fresh air,” he said quickly. “Feel free to start without me.”

~

“So,” Elmer said, drawing out the word. Race didn’t realize he had been followed and jumped. “You know how it’s my birthday next week? And that you still don’t know what to get me?”

Race looked towards the ground. “What are you trying to get me to do, Elmer?”

“Be nicer to Davey.”

He looked up so suddenly he nearly broke his neck. Elmer’s patented puppy dog eyes were lethal.

“Now why would I do that?”

“Because I know you don’t like fighting any more than he does. Because if you were friends we wouldn’t have to separate you during film nights. Because you know you’ve been bottling up the pain that is actually causing this,” Elmer replied. His grin was huge because he knew he had won.

Race nodded after a moment, to which Elmer gave him quick a hug and walked back. “Don’t want to miss the break up film. Or the pizza rolls.”

When Elmer had gone after his flying visit, he sighed to himself. It was small, a throwaway grin. It didn’t make up for the years of antagonistic behavior from both of them.

He walked a few minutes and sat on a bench farther from the apartment block and thought back to the mean things he’d said to Davey Jacobs over the last three years.

He could admit it; he had been a bully. He’d belittled him, made fun of his interests, started fights over the smallest things. But now, after Elmer’s comment, he saw a different side to their interactions, saw it from a different view. From a different emotional perspective.

That the animosity was to cover the ache of heartbreak. The loathing was a poor bandage for the ache of losing the most important part of him.

He wasn’t stupid. Losing his best friend with no explanation, explanations he so easily could have asked for, had slowly broken his heart. Every time Davey would be laughing near his locker with some Tom, Dick, or Stanley, but could only spare a nod in his direction. It hadn’t happened suddenly, he hadn’t woken up one day to a note in his locker that said they were done. Race should have been able to move on; Davey wasn’t the only friend he had lost in his life, but he was Davey.

As children, they were David and Anthony, giggling at recess together. David and Anthony building pillow forts, names near one entity.

Middle school came, and they were David and Anthony, sitting in the back of the class most definitely paying attention. David and Anthony, passing notes back and forth.

Then high school came, and suddenly they were Davey and Race, walking to school together. Davey and Race, tossing carrots at each other during lunch. Davey and Race, tutoring each other in subjects they didn’t understand.

Then junior year came, and they were Davey and Race, nodding to each other in the hallway. Davey and Race, not even sitting at the same lunch table.

Then senior year came, and they were Jacobs and Higgins. Jacobs and Higgins sneering at each other instead of nodding. Jacobs and Higgins, crossing the street instead of having to walk next to each other. Jacobs and Higgins, writing angry notes to each other instead of jokes about their substitute.

Davey and Race were gone, David and Anthony even more so.

Davey wasn’t the only friend he had lost in his life, but he was Davey. He had so many of Race’s firsts: the first person he came out to, the first person he got drunk with, his first kiss. The person that comforted him when he got his heart broken, the person that bandaged his knuckles when he got into fights.

Everything. He was everything.

The surprise in the grin Davey had sent him was burned into his mind. Could it be so simple? Could he heal their friendship by just…being nicer? Or would Davey think he was making fun of him, being cruel by being kind?

He supposed they should have that conversation they’d been avoiding, then.

~

He waited until everyone was gone before trying to talk to Davey.

“Hey, uh,” he coughed to clear his suddenly dry throat. “Can we talk?”

“I’m in the middle of cleaning up, can it wait?”

Race was about to nod and say it could, but he set his shoulders. He could do this.

“No, Davey, it can’t wait.” The use of his first name seemed to get Davey’s attention; it’d been over a year since he’d last used it, after all. There was something askance to awe in Davey’s eyes for a moment, before he shook his head.

“I’m listening, then.” He sat on the sofa and spread his arms.

Race took a moment to gather his thoughts.

“You broke my heart,” and that definitely wasn’t were he wanted to start this conversation. “I mean no, I mean, you did, but that’s not what I’m trying to say! Please don’t go!”

Davey paused in getting up when he heard the break in Race’s voice on the word ‘please’; he sat back down.

“I wanted to say I was sorry,” Race said. “For how I’ve treated you, for everything I’ve said. I’ve been unnecessarily mean, when I know I was just hurt.”

Davey tilted his head. “Hurt?”

Race began to explain, sitting next to him on the couch. He couldn’t help but notice this was the closest they’d sat for years. The words seemed to spill out, some in the right order and some not. Davey looked on the brink of running the entire time he was speaking.

“I just,” he finished. “I just miss you.”

“You -,” Davey whispered. “You miss me?”

He nodded. “I don’t know why we stopped being friends, but I’d like to start over.”

Davey paused. “I don’t think we can start over, there’s too much history.”

Race felt his heart drop. Of course Davey wouldn’t want to start over. He’d spent the last three years being cruel to him, he didn’t deserve -

“But maybe we can redo some things.” The 360 of emotions made Race dizzy. “I miss you too, Race.”

Race.

Race.

One simple word, four letters, but it took the breath from his lungs.

Race.

“I’d really like that.” He spat into his hand and suck it out for a handshake. Davey looked disgusted, which was something so familiar it ached.

“Really? We’re adults, Race.”

“It seals the deal, Dave. Playground politics.”

Davey rolled his eyes but spit into his hand and grasped Race’s. They stood there smiling stupidly at each other, hands clasped, until Dave swore and dragged Race into a hug.

Race had sworn he wouldn’t cry, but breathing in Davey’s familiar scent nearly broke him. They pulled apart, and he ignored Davey wiping tears from his eyes as Davey ignored him doing the same.

~

There was a shocked silence at Jacobi’s deli when Davey and Race walked in together. They were laughing over some asinine joke Race had made about Jojo and Elmer; good to know Davey will still laugh at his extremely unfunny jokes.

“Someone pinch me,” Albert yelled. “I think they’re…getting along? Are they laughing? Together?

Finch pinched them. They swore loudly, to which Finch just shrugged. “You told me to pinch you, babe. This relationship is based on trust, and you trusted me to pinch you. A Finch pinch.”

Elmer met Race’s eye and nod with the sweetest of grins (he couldn’t wait to make fun of Jojo for spilling a bit of the water he was setting in front of Elmer when he saw his grin).

Davey rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Would anyone like something extremely cheap off the menu?”

~

The next few months were full of Jacobs and Higgins becoming Davey and Race again. He was learning so many things about Davey that he’d missed, nuances that were similar but at the same time different. Davey wasn’t the boy he had known his whole life, but he wasn’t a stranger. It also helped they’d been living together all year.

“Tell me what’s going on with your family, then,” Race asked one day as Davey was making him peel potatoes. They’d started to cook together, something he secretly adored.

“Well, Les just started high school and Sarah just went of to college. University of Chicago.”

“You Jacobs sure are smart,” Race said, amazed. He whistled. “University of Chicago…and hell knows where you’ll go in two years, what fancy med school you choose.”

Davey blushed and asked Race about his own family. He let Davey get away with the very obvious change of topic. Glad to know he still hated talking about his intellect, though Race knew a lot of that was leftover anxiety caused by bullies in middle school; Davey the know-it-all Jacobs. Race felt his stomach clench as he remembered that he, too, had turned into that bully.

Still, they didn’t bring up the topic of why and how their friendship had ended.

~

“Where’s Davey, then?” Race sighed as he came in. He’d had a terrible few classes today, and he didn’t need this. “Please tell me he just left and that you haven’t made a copy of our key.”

“He has a date. We were just helping him get ready,” Blink said with a shit eating grin, though Race noticed he didn’t deny that he had made a copy of their key. In fact, there could possibly be a dozen copies, knowing his friends. “I think he’ll be home quite late, too.”

“Or maybe quite early,” Mush responded with a shit eating grin of his own. He flicked Blink on the eye and gestured towards the door.

Race listened to Blink call Mush an ableist piece of shit with a grin. Mush just shoved him and muttered something about a Nick Fury cosplay. Race didn’t fail to notice he grabbed Blink’s right hand, always making sure to be on his right side.

Race looked back to the book he had just pulled out for that stupid philosophy class he had to take. (He was majoring in mathematics why the hell did he need a philosophy class?) He put it back in his bag, knowing he wouldn’t be taking in a word of it.

A date. Race wondered for a moment about why that simple word felt like a knife to his -

Oh. 

Oh, Race.

He groaned into the silence of the empty apartment. Three months prior Race had looked back at their interactions and arguments through the lens of grief. Maybe it was time to analyze their interactions and arguments through even another keyhole.

There was still heartbreak, yes. But at the time, Race had only thought he was heartbroken because he’d lost his best friend. Now, he wasn’t so sure.

It probably wasn’t a normal thing to feel like half of your soul had been ripped away when your best friend stopped talking to you. It probably wasn’t a normal thing to still feel that way three years later.

The thought terrified him. He’d never been in love before, and the idea that he could be now scared the fuck out of him.

Breathlessness.

He had been breathless when he’d first hugged Davey after over three years. At the time he hadn’t thought anything of it, was too busy being happy that Davey had listened to him, had missed him as well. But looking back, that’s how Race had reacted to physical contact with Davey for years.

He’d blamed it all on his asthma, just a side affect of holding his breath every time they hugged, every time their hands brushed.

Oh, God. Who held their breath every time they hugged their best friend? Who purposefully brushed knuckles together, threw an arm around him every chance he got?

You’re an idiot, Anthony.

Racing heart.

Every time Davey made him laugh.

How much of his heart did he blame on his asthma? Of course every time you laugh you get breathless, your heart races. Purposefully ignoring the fact that no other friend caused such a reaction.

Sweaty palms.

“Ugh, Race, why are your hands so sweaty?” Albert had wiped their arms on their jeans, disgusted from simply having Race’s hands around their wrists.

“If you don’t like it then don’t try and steal my pretzels, asshole!”

Davey had had an arm tossed around the back of the sofa at the time, not even sitting next to Race but near enough that his fingers were brushing against his shoulder every time one of them moved.

Butterflies in your stomach.

The amount of times Davey had been smushed against his side during movie night, because they had too many fucking friends. Race had blamed it on the movie they were watching, nervousness because he hated horror films.

Desperation.

It’s not normal to want to be around a friend as much as Race wanted to be around Davey, was it? They were on their way back to best friends, but the stupid things he did to get Davey’s attention were so embarrassing he didn’t even want to think about it.

Desire.

It wasn’t just two bros psyching each other up, was it? When Davey were those jeans or that shirt or the few times he’s had to dress up to go to meetings, he wasn’t just telling a friend they looked nice, was he?

He’d never been in love; or had he always been love?

You’re a fucking idiot, Anthony Higgins.

~

Davey came home earlier than Race was expecting, looking dejected (he definitely wasn’t beaming inside that the date probably went poorly, nor was he checking Davey out)(not to say that he didn’t look good, because his shirt was tight around the biceps and made his eyes stand out and he was wearing those jeans).

Jesus H Christ, Higgins, how the hell did you not realize you were head over heels for this man?

“You okay, Race?” Davey looked worried now, seeing Race sitting in the dark because he hadn’t bothered to get up to turn the lights on during his crisis.

“Why did you stop being my friend?”  Race was suddenly desperate to know.

Davey flushed, and cleared his throat. “Must we do this now?”

“If not now, when, Davey?” Race had to know. If Davey had noticed how Race had felt about him, before Race even, and felt uncomfortable…if he had made Davey leave him because he couldn’t stop himself from loving this incredible, beautiful boy, he’d never be able to forgive himself.

“I,” Davey’s hands were shaking now. “I don’t want to make things weird.”

“Davey, I won’t judge you for anything you so,” Race assured him. “This won’t change anything. I’m sorry if I did anything that would - or if my feelings -”

“I didn’t want you to get uncomfortable,” he interjected. “I was - feeling things, about you, and - I just. Didn’t want you to hate me.”

Race was speechless. He’d been about to apologize for having feelings for Davey, yet Davey was apologizing for having feelings for him. Had he been so oblivious? Davey had liked him as well. And now it was too late, and he felt his heart break for the second time because of David Jacobs.

But Davey wasn’t done. They didn’t call him the Walking Mouth for nothing. “And I thought I could just ignore them, stop talking to you for a few weeks until it went away, but then weeks turned into months, turned into years - and it never really went away.”

Race had barely let Davey finish before he was near tackling him onto their sofa.

“I was terrified because I’ve never been in love, and I’ve fallen in love with you, but apparently I’ve always been in love, because I’ve loved you since before I knew what love was -”

Anthony “Racetrack” Higgins loved to talk; in fact, he did it too much. Half of the time it didn’t make any sense, and the other half it was too crass to repeat. Sometimes both.

David “Davey” Jacobs finally found a way to shut him up.

[emthesinger]

An Unlikely Lover

Chapter 6

I wake up, with Luka next to me. But I’m still a little tired. He’s already awake, and he starts kissing my neck.

“Good morning.” I mumble, still with my eyes closed. Then I realize that he’s kissing my neck and décolletage, so I open my eyes all the way.

Oh my god. Luka is a freak. What else did he do when I was sleeping?

“Morning.” He says, running his fingers through his hair.

He then gets on top of me, and gives me kisses everywhere. All I can do is laugh like a little girl.

“Stop, that tickles.” I managed to say in between laughs.

But I flip over, so I’m on top of him.

“Even when you just wake up, you still look divine.” He tells me.

“Aww.”

His lips meet mine, a short but passionate kiss. I feel like if we kept going, we’d end up having sex again.

I pull away, and he whines.

“No, keep kissing me.”

His fingers rub my temples, and I close my eyes and sigh.

“But I have to go back to my room. I brought my best friend.”

“She can wait. I want you.”

“Luka, I have to go. I’m sorry babe.”

I get off of him and off the bed.

Even from last night’s shower, after the sex, my hair is still a little damp. So it doesn’t look too good.

I’m putting on my t-shirt and jeans from last night.

He’s in his boxers, standing behind me, holding me tight so I can’t walk away.

This man is too cute.

“Stay! Please!”

“I have a meeting with my best friend and your team’s organization.”

I attempt to take a couple steps forward, but he’s really strong. This isn’t bothering me, it’s just that I didn’t want to be late. I turn around to face Luka, and kiss the top of his nose. He smiles shyly and I run out of the room.

“Hey!” I hear him say.

My phone has a ton of calls and messages from Rachel.

Shit.

As quickly as I could, I get my shared room with her in the level above. I open the door and walk in.

“Where the hell were you last night and this morning?” She asks.

“I was just taking care of something.”

I don’t think she believes me.

“Yeah. Sure. Tell me the actual truth.”

“Fine! I was with Luka.” I say, with a small smile. When I think about last night, all I can do is blush like crazy.

“Doing what?! You left me alone.”

“I’m sorry. I kinda slept over in his suite.”

“Oh.” A smirk is on her lips.

“What?” I ask.

“YOU GUYS FUCKED?!” She yells and I cover her mouth with my hand.

“Shh, I didn’t say that.” I reply.

“Yes you did. Oh my gosh, you totally did!”

I roll my eyes and look into my suitcase for some clothes.

To change the subject, I ask her about my outfit.

“What should I wear?”

“I don’t know, something cute for Luka. Duh!” She teases.

“And what’s that?”

“This!”

She hands me a yellow plaid tight fitting dress with spaghetti straps.

“No. I’m too fat.”

She walks up to me and touches my stomach.

“Nope, I just feel abs. Stop whining and change.”

“Fine!” I say and walk into the bathroom.

When I walk out, Rachel is wearing a black tight dress, showing some of her cleavage.

“What do you think?” She asks, posing around.

“Perfect. Can we go now?”

The two of us are wearing our black converse for shoes, so we’re comfortable. We don’t know how long this meeting will go for.

Rachel looks super pretty, way prettier than me. She has light brown hair, green eyes and a stunning physique. I’m just your average mixed girl. The long black hair, black eyes, sharp jawline, the “thick” body and weird accent.

“I’m tired.” I complain in the elevator.

“Well no one said you had to go fuck Luka a couple times last night.”

“Oh my god, Rachel, what the actual fuck! What’s wrong with you?”

“You know I’m right.” She winks at me.

~

We’re stuck in the meeting, which isn’t taking very long. They’re explaining many rules and things we’re supposed to do as apart of the Croatian National football team association. Many people from FIFA are there as well. They give us many guidelines, and tell us exactly what we’re supposed to do.

My job is to write articles about the games, players, and everything that has to do with their team. I can interview them as well. Rachel is the photographer. She has to take pictures at practices, friendly games, the fans, the team, and the actual matches.

We have to do this for a month and a half in Russia. Of course, we have little breaks and things like that, but they are being pretty serious about this. They give us VIP passes to get first row seats to all the games. Think of it like a backstage pass as well.

“Do your best. Have fun, and represent Croatia with your talent in journalism and photography; Ms. León and Ms. Urdenta.”

Rachel and I nod in unison. They give us warm smiles and tell us that it’s ok for us to leave now.

“Oh my god, I felt like I was in the principal’s office.” Rachel comments, when we walk out of the huge board room.

I can’t help but laugh.

“You’re too crazy, Rae.” I say.

“What? I didn’t know.”

As we walk out of the building, we encounter the players. The team has practice today.

“The guys have practice.” 

“Oh my god, where is Ivan Rakitić?” Rachel whispers frantically. 

“Next to Ivan Perisić, do you not see?”

“He’s even cuter in real life.” She replies.

“Wait, I think we’re supposed to go to their practice.” I tell Rachel. 

“Okay, then, what are we waiting for?”

~

We’re in the stadium, where the team is practicing. Rachel is taking pictures, but mostly of Ivan R. I’m typing on my laptop, updating my website. My blog is obviously about the team. And my website is where I practice my journalism. Rachel went to college in England for photography, while I went to the US for my classes in journalism. I’m doing my best to avoid Luka, as much as I like him and have feelings for him. The organization strictly states that we cannot have anything other than a professional working relationship with the players. One of the reasons being: they want the players to focus on the World Cup. The other reason is that if Rachel or me are in relationships with any of the players, our articles and opinions on the team would look biased. If they find out anything involving being more than friends with the players, they’ll send us back home and basically fire us. And this is really important to me as a journalist. So I  have to let him go. Sadly, that’s just the way it is.

“Why are you not drooling over Luka?” Rae asks me, before taking a picture of the team doing pushups. 

“Did you not hear what they told us at the meeting?” I said, and continued typing.

“They don’t need to know that you two are a thing. It could be a secret.” 

“I can’t take that risk. The two of us are getting paid to do what we love.”

“You’re right, but he is definitely worth dating.”

I sighed, and kept updating my blog. Just thinking about being away from Luka, makes me upset. And obviously, I am still upset about my stepfather’s death,  my dad never coming back and so much more. I am just a mad person I guess.

Out of the cut, a soccer ball lands and hits me in the shoulder. My first instinct is to curse in Spanish.

“Alagranputa! Vete a la verga!” I yelled. (What the fuck, die motherfucking bitch)

The second I say that, I mentally slap myself. Maybe a little too vulgar?

I grab the ball and throw it. It hits Mario in the back. Dejan was next to him and he turns around and raises his hands. 

Shit. Someone kill me already.

And as you all know, Mario is literally Super Mario.

“You’re gonna die. He will strangle you, and probably Dejan too.” Rae tells me, frightened. I reply with a nod, in fear for my life. 

Luka turns around from doing jumping jacks and looks at me. He understood what I said, because he knows Spanish. 

“Jebote.” Mario says to me. (Fuck you)

“Jebem ti mater u pičku!” Dejan yells. (I fuck your mother in the cunt)

Out of pure anger, and annoyance of literally everything in life, I reply, in English since they understand that.

“Why don’t you curse at me in English?” I yell back, and shut my laptop. 

Šime looks shocked as to what is happening. Dejan and Mario cursing to me in Croatian, and me replying ten times meaner. Good thing the coach wasn't there to see this. 

“Okay, then, what is your damn problem?” Dejan asks me.

“I don’t have one.” 

Luka then gets involved in this stupid argument. 

“Guys, stop this.” He says. 

I roll my eyes and leave to go to the bathroom. Rachel follows me. 

“Hey, are you okay? What’s wrong? You can tell anything.”

“I miss him okay. I miss my stepdad. If I had a bad day or wasn’t feeling well, he was the first to call. Other than you. Now he’s not here. I can never talk to him again. EVER.”

I cannot believe I am going to have a breakdown here, right now. All I can do is cry and feel angry.

Rachel, being her amazing self, and my best friend; calms me down. 

We go back to the seats in front of the field where they are practicing, and sit down. They only had a couple minutes left until the practice was over. 

The minutes pass, and Rachel runs after Ivan to “take pictures of him.”

Luka walks over to me, and I’m putting all my stuff away. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks and his hands grab my ass. I mean, I do not blame him, this is a tight dress. 

The Croat is all sweaty but I don’t care. He’s hot either way. 

‘Just let anger get the best of me. I’m okay now.”

“Good.”

He’s standing behind me, kissing the back of my neck. My arm wraps around him and I sigh. This just feels right, but in my head, all I can think about is the meeting. 

[loverapture-blog1]

obviously.

I BECAME DEPRESSED WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD WAITING FOR THIS ONE GIRL TO LOVE ME BACK FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AND WHILE MY PARENTS AND TEACHERS AND PEERS PRESSURED ME TO IMPROVE MY GRADES SO I COULD GET INTO A STUPID CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I REALLY FUCKING HATE NOW BUT OH WELL. I HARMED MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN I WAS 14 AND I REALLY WANTED TO DIE AND I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF MY FRIEND HADN'T FOUND OUT AND TALKED ME OUT OF IT. WE'RE NOT REALLY CLOSE ANYMORE. WE DISAGREE ON A LOT OF THINGS. MY MOM TOLD ME LOTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT BEING A DISGRACE AND A MISTAKE AND UNLOVABLE AND THAT REALLY HURT MY HEART. MY MOM HASN'T BEEN THE SAME EVER SINCE. SOMETHING REALLY CHANGED INSIDE OF HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH. FRESHMAN YEAR WAS SO WEIRD CAUSE PEOPLE LIKED ME AND IT WAS PRETTY COOL I HAD A COUPLE GIRLFRIENDS IT WAS ALRIGHT BUT THEN I GOT REALLY REALLY SAD CAUSE THE SECOND GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE JUST WANTED TO USE SOMEONE AND I MEANT NOTHING TO HER AND I WAS JUST AN EASY TARGET BECAUSE I'M YOUNGER THAN HER BUT I MEAN WHATEVER RIGHT? ALSO MY PARENTS SEPARATED. MY DAD WENT TO SOME CLAUSTROPHOBIC APARTMENT THAT FELT LIKE THE THROAT OF AN ANACONDA. I STILL REMEMBER THE SMELL OF IT. THE SIGHT OF NOTHING IN THE PANTRY BUT SOME OLD GATORADE AND TORTILLAS. WORST 9 1/2 MONTHS OF MY LIFE. I HATED IT. I WANTED TO MAKE MY DAD HAPPY AND HANG OUT WITH HIM AND STUFF BUT I WAS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED OH MY GOODNESS I WANTED TO SCREAM ALL THE TIME BUT IT FELT LIKE MY THROAT WAS FILLED WITH COTTON. I DID NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM ON MY LAPTOP. AND MY DAD NEVER COMPLAINED. HE WAS FINE WITH IT. AS LONG AS I WAS IN HIS HOME. MY HEART HURT SO FUCKING HORRIBLY BAD. IT STILL DOES. THE GUILT. I SAW HIM CRY. MANY TIMES. IT HURTS SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. I WAS ALL HE REALLY WANTED THEN AND THERE AND I DECIDED TO DO NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM. ALL I DID IN THAT ROOM WAS EAT PIZZA, DRINK ARIZONAS, PLAY VIDEOGAMES, JACK OFF, AND CRY, CRY A LOT. THEN AT LIKE ELEVEN AT NIGHT HE WOULD TELL ME "HE'S GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIS OLD DOCTOR FRIEND AT STARBUCKS" YEAH OKAY DAD SURE. I KNEW MY DAD HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY MOM. I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD JUST LEAVE MY MOM AND THEN GO OFF TO SOME OTHER LADY. BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. THEN MY BEST FRIEND BECAME MY GIRLFRIEND. THEN MY PARENTS GOT BACK TOGETHER. MY GRADES WERE ALRIGHT. I WAS GOING TO THE GYM REGULARLY. EVERYTHING SEEMED OKAY. BUT THEN MY GIRLFRIEND AND I KEPT ARGUING AND SHE KEPT LYING AND I KEPT FALLING FOR IT AND FALLING FOR IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I JUST KINDA WENT ALONG WITH IT. I CRIED A LOT. SHE MADE EVERYTHING WORSE. I STARTED DOING BAD IN MY CLASSES. EVENTUALLY I BROKE UP WITH HER CAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE THEN WENT AND TOLD A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT I CHEATED ON HER WITH SOME GIRL FROM TEXAS. THE GIRL IS REAL. THE STORY ISN'T. EVENTUALLY I DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL. I BECAME HER MANAGER CAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE A SINGER. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I COULD CONFIDENTLY SAY I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A DREAM. PERFECT. SHE SANG ME SONGS AND WROTE ME POEMS. I WAS SO CRAZY ABOUT HER. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE WAS GONNA VISIT ME DURING SUMMER. THEN I FOUND OUT SHE WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE. THEN SHE KEPT FUCKING WITH MY FEELINGS. I BECAME FRIENDS WITH THE GIRL FROM FRESHMAN YEAR WHO USED ME. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND SHE IGNORED ME BECAUSE "SHE GOT BORED". THEN I LEFT THE GIRL I WAS IN LOVE WITH BECAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE CONTINUED TO TRY AND TALK TO ME. THEN SHE STARTED SOME FAKE RUMORS ABOUT ME BEING SEXIST AND RACIST. THEN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HATED ME. SHE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. I HOPE SHE IS OK. SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT. THE SONGS OF THAT TIME KEEP REPLAYING IN MY HEAD, EATING AWAY AT THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL LIKE WAVES ERODING A MOUNTAIN. MY CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA EXPLODE AND YELLOW PAINT IS GONNA SPLASH EVERYWHERE. THE COLOR YELLOW REMINDS ME OF HER. SKATING REMINDS ME OF HER. PLAYING INSTRUMENTS. WRITING. FLOWERS. MUSIC. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HER. I TRIED TO MOVE ON. I STILL HAVEN'T COMPLETELY GOTTEN OVER IT. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL. SHE WAS SO CUTE. SHE WAS WONDERFUL IT FELT SO NICE. SHE LIVED IN SACRAMENTO AND WAS SUPPOSED TO COME DOWN AND VISIT ME SOON. THEN I WENT TO EUROPE FOR THREE WEEKS. DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF BEING IN EUROPE THIS NEW GIRL GOT A BOYFRIEND. MY HEART HURT. I MET A REALLY COOL GIRL IN EUROPE. SHE WAS FROM LOS ANGELES AND WE CLICKED. WE WOULD TRY TO GET ALCOHOL EVERY  NIGHT AND GET SHITFACED. IT WAS SO FUN. ONE TIME IN SWITZERLAND I GOT REALLY DRUNK AND THREW UP AND CHIPPED MY TOOTH TRYING TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE AND MR. BRUNNER SAW ME DRUNK BUT DIDN'T CARE. I LIKED HER AT FIRST BUT THEN WE JUST BECAME FRIENDS. THEN I TOLD HER ABOUT MY MENTAL ILLNESSES. I OPENED UP ABOUT ALL MY DEMONS. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER TALKED TO HER. SHE LEFT ME AND TOLD ME I'M TOO MUCH OF A RESPONSIBILITY. SHE SAID I'M "TROUBLED". THAT REALLY FUCKING HURT. THAT SAME NIGHT I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL FROM A GERMAN SCHOOL BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY AFRICAN GIRL THERE. WE SPENT ALL NIGHT HOLDING HANDS AND RUNNING AROUND. IT WAS SO SWEET AND DREAMLIKE. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL TOWARDS THE END OF THE TRIP. WE HUNG OUT TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. SHE HAD JUST GRADUATED FROM THE SHITTY CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I GO TO RIGHT NOW. SHE THOUGHT I WAS SO COOL. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO CUTE. WE GOT DRUNK ON THE BEACH OF ATHENS AND STEPPED ON SEA URCHINS. SHE ADMITTED SHE LIKED ME. SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT MORNING THOUGH. THEN WE WENT ON A CRUISE IN THE GREEK ISLANDS. WE NAPPED TOGETHER A LOT. WE CUDDLED. WE GOT MANICURES TOGETHER AND GOT MATCHING NAIL POLISH. I WAS SO HAPPY. SHE DREW IN MY JOURNAL. ON THE LAST DAY, WE BOUGHT SOME CHEAP WINE AND WAITED UNTIL NIGHT. WE GOT SUPER DRUNK AND THEN WE GOT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. "DON'T KISS ME UNTIL WE'RE SOBER" SHE SAID. I OBLIGED. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW HER OWN RULES THOUGH. SHE KISSED ME. I KISSED HER BACK. I WAS HER FIRST KISS. WE MADE OUT. WE DID SOME OTHER STUFF. I TOOK HER TO HER ROOM. I SLEPT SMELLING HER SHIRT ALL NIGHT. I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW TYPING THIS. THEN WE SPENT THE WHOLE NEXT DAY TRAVELING BACK. SHIP. BUS. PLANE. THE FIRST PLANE RIDE WAS BEAUTIFUL. WE SAT TOGETHER AND KISSED AND CUDDLED. IT WAS TEN HOURS BUT FELT LIKE ONE. THE NEXT  PLANE WAS SHIT. MY STOMACH HURT AND I DIDN'T SIT WITH HER. THEN MY PARENTS PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT. I SAID GOODBYE TO HER. THEN AT HOME MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME IM A DISGRACE FOR PAINTING MY NAILS AND THAT I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BUT THE BARE MINIMUM AND THAT THEY ARE ASHAMED OF ME AND THAT IT INFURIATES THEM THAT I CAN'T JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I STAYED DATING THAT GIRL. WE HUNG OUT A COUPLE TIMES. SHE EVENTUALLY BECAME VERY MANIPULATIVE AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. I LEFT HER. THEN I WAS SINGLE FOR A BIT. THEN OF COURSE I STARTED DATING SOMEONE ELSE. MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND. I LOVE HER! SHE ISN'T ABUSIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! SHE'S GREAT. SHE IS PERFECT SO FAR. BUT SHE HAS HER OWN TROUBLES AND I FEEL BAD CAUSE I CAN'T HELP HER. REWIND TO A FEW WEEKS AFTER I GOT BACK FROM THE EUROPE TRIP. JUNIOR YEAR STARTED. I WAS FAIRLY CONFIDENT. THEN EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL. REALLY FAST. I STARTED FAILING. I BECAME MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED. I HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. I TOLD MY PARENTS I'M DEPRESSED. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM AGAIN. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM ONE MORE TIME. THE DIDN'T CARE AT ENOUGH. I STARTED SMOKING WEED. A LOT OF IT. CONSTANTLY. I LOVED IT. WEED IS GREAT, BUT IT BECAME A DEPENDENCY. THEN ONE DAY I HAD A BREAKDOWN AT SCHOOL AND I WENT TO MY TEACHER BECAUSE I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF I DIDN'T. SHE TOLD ME SOME KIND WORDS THEN CALLED MY MOM. MY MOM CAME. WE WENT TO AN OFFICE AND DISCUSSED SOME STUFF ABOUT SCHOOL AND DEPRESSION WITH THIS ONE GUY AND THIS ONE REALLY NICE BUT ANNOYING WHITE LADY. MY DAD CAME. I FELT BETTER. I WENT HOME. THEN MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND WE GOT IN A HUGE UGLY ARGUMENT. THEY GOT MAD AT ME FOR SEEKING HELP.

"THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AT SCHOOL! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR."

"BUT DAD, IT'S NOT EASY TELLING YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF."

"YOU EMBARASSED US, YOU HURT OUR FEELINGS."

"DAD I WANNA DIE PLEASE I NEED HELP."

"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SELFISH AND YOU DON'T LOVE US!"

THE WHITE LADY TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I NEED A PAPER FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST SAYING THAT I WON'T HURT MYSELF OR OTHERS TO BE ABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL AGAIN. THEN THE NEXT DAY MY PARENTS DID A RANDOM DRUG TEST ON ME. THEN THAT NIGHT THEY CONFRONTED ME ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY SAW THAT I HAD BEEN CONSUMING WEED. THEY ARE OLD AND UNEDUCATED ON IT SO THEY THINK IT'S LIKE METH. THAT MADE THE WHOLE THING VERY DIFFICULT. THEN I BROKE DOWN AGAIN. I STARTED TELLING THEM HOW BAD I WANTED TO DIE. THEN MY DAD HELD ME AND TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. A VOICE IN MY HEAD TOLD ME NOT TO BELIEVE HIM. I COMPLIED. THE NEXT DAY MY SISTERS CAME TO THE HOUSE. THEY ALL TALKED TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL IF I WASN'T READY. THEY KEPT DEMONIZING MEDICATION TO SCARE ME BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME THE MEDICATION I SO DESPERATELY HAVE BEEN NEEDING FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS. THEY KEPT ME PRISONER AT HOME. THEY FORCED ME TO JOIN A BOXING CLUB. THEY TOOK AWAY MY PRIVILEDGES. THEN THE SCHOOL CALLED AND SAID I HAD TO GO BACK. I GOT A NOTE. THEY DECLINED IT. I GOT ANOTHER NOTE. THEY DECLINED THAT ONE TOO. THEN I GOT ANOTHER ONE AND I'M BACK IN SCHOOL. I HATE IT. I'M SWITCHING SCHOOLS NEXT SEMESTER. BUT I NEED TO TRY AND RAISE MY GRADES FOR NOW. I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. BUT I AM SAD. VERY SAD. STILL DEPRESSED (OBVIOUSLY).