#i spent... ... way too fucking long on this thing actually. jfc

[tardis-mouse]

Sooooo, because it's Valentine's Day, because I'm otome/simdate trash, and because there are so many Cody ships, I made something for y'all :p

@codystonguepiercing (you've always been nice to me about my edits :> so I tag you and hope you like it)

[the-takosader]

So, What Next?

Yeah, the title says everything: what's next in my adventures with guitar? Well, there's a few ideas on the table.

And by "a few", I mean "I've got 5 total ideas and they're all fighting for dominance." I wish that were false, but here we are.

So, let's list each one, front to back.

Fender Marauder build

Attempting to recreate John Lennon's modded Les Paul Jr. from a kit

Gretsch Country Gentleman build

Telecaster Bass VI build

Getting (and subsequently modding) an Epiphone Casino.

To fuck with logic and sensibility, let's go from the bottom and work our way up. Also, warning to everyone: this is going to be a VERY long post.

Epiphone Casino mod

You might recognise the Epiphone Casino from when I talked about my first project on here: the Fretless Stratocaster (which I'm hoping to refinish at some point).

The Casino is what I wanted to work with originally as a kit, instead of the Strat that I ended up using. However, I discovered something: you can't actually get a thinline hollow-body guitar as a kit because it's likely (not 100% on this) too niche of an interest for a first - or second-time builder.

This, as you could probably guess, was a massive disappointment to 16-year-old me, but now, 2 years later, I've kinda stopped with the whole "kitbash" thing. I know I listed the LPJr. kit build above, but that's gonna be a hell of a thing to do. More on that later.

Anyway, why would I buy instead of build in this case? To answer that, we need to talk about parallel universes the feasibility of making a fully hollow guitar, from scratch. Also capitalism.

So, what does building a hollow-body guitar actually entail? Well, I'm glad you asked, dear reader, because, as it turns out, quite a hell of a lot goes into building one. First, you have to have a veneer press. Yes, seriously. Why? Because you'll never get a solid top on a guitar that looks like this:

Now, this isn't to say that there aren't solid-top electric semi/fully hollow guitars out there. I'd venture to guess that Höfner do a bunch, just because they do both violins and guitars & basses. In fact, I know the Violin Bass (500/1 my beloved) has a solid spruce top, just because I've spent way too much time checking Thomann to see what they have in stock. But that's neither here nor there.

The Casino has a 5-ply maple body. Yes, five. That's 5 sheets of wood for the top, sides and back, which are pressed into formation to make the Casino. If I remember correctly, the top is made of a veneer sandwich of maple and poplar. I could be wrong, or I could be thinking of what Gibson have done. Either one is possible.

Anyway, where does capitalism come into this? It comes in when you ask "How much would all of this cost?" The short answer is "more than it'd be worth to do it." Not only do you have to find how to press veneers together in such a way that you can make the arched (yes, the top is pressed into its arch, it's not carved out) top, but you also have to source the equipment required to do so, and the veneers themselves. It's way too much hassle, money, and general effort for what would generally be a one-off build.

So that's why I'm not approaching the Casino from the angle of building it. Now, onto what I'd actually do to the thing.

Y'ever wonder why Gibson/Epiphone never stuck a PAF in the ES-330/Casino? I have! There's no definite answer to the question, sadly. In my personal opinion, I think it's because they were too scared to try it. It could, just as easily, be that they tried that, and came to the conclusion that it just didn't work, but I personally prefer the idea that it's the former, because Gibson haven't done shit in terms of new stuff. And before you reply with "What about the Theodore," may I remind you that that was stuffed in McCarty's desk for a reason (that being that it's fucking ugly jfc Gibson).

But yeah, this is the main plan: get a Casino, take out the old P90s, and put something like these things in there. Best part, the dogear covers are curved for such use!

Okay, Moving On.

The Telecaster Bass VI

This one is slightly more unique than the Casino build.

So, you remember the Cherry Telecaster XII build? Yeah, the one that required the use of a separate guitar body. I haven't got rid of that original body. It's still sat, waiting to be used. So, what's the plan?

I have some spare parts that I was so graciously given, including a set of tuning machines, a set of Telecaster pickups, ash-tray and saddles. These will all get used in the process of building the TB6. But you might be wondering - what about the neck?

Y'see, the interesting thing about this is that I want to gain experience in building guitars, not just cobbling together kits and calling it a day. I want to learn how to make a guitar from scratch. Part of that, in turn, means learning how to cut and shape a neck, and how to actually do frets.

This is where the kitbashing was supposed to end. However, I got kinda invested in the whole Lennon Les Paul Jr. thing, and that's my hard cutoff point in this case. I hope.

But enough about that, what does this actually entail?

The build entails constructing a neck from scratch, mainly, and modding the remaining pieces in order to smoothly fit the spare parts. That's it.

There's also the deal about finishes, personal touches and all that funk, jazz, and funky jazz, but the main thing to keep in mind is that this is kinda a one-off, and I'll most likely make shit up as I go. That's why this section is so much shorter than the previous one.

Next on the list...

Gretsch Country Gentleman build

This one is a shelved build, but still on the list.

The Gretsch Country Gentleman (numbered as the G6122 by Gretsch) is the signature model of guitar for the late Chet Atkins, one of the most famous American country guitarists of the mid-to-late 1950s.

It also costs, brand new, US$3,499. As much as I like the sound of the guitar, I don't want to even touch that price point, because JESUS CHRIST that's expensive. So what's the next best thing? Why, building it, of course?

Here, we run into the same issue as with the Casino: materials and methods being really expensive. But where the Casino costs less than a grand, this costs US$3,499. In this case, it's worth it.

The Country Gentleman has more documentation, as well as features, so let's run through those:

Bigsby B6 vibrato tailpiece

2 Filter'Trons (TV Jones Classics, in this case)

Mudswitch

Pickup selector

Standby switch

Flip-up foam mutes

Roller bridge for added tuning stability

ElectroTone body (thinline chambered hollow body)

Zero fret

Grover Imperial tuners

For a non-guitar nerd, that might sound weird. Let me break it further down.

The mudswitch has 3 options: no tone circuit factored in (bright as can be), ~9 on a tone knob, and ~5 on a tone knob; the standby switch cuts the signal from the guitar when you don't want your guitar making noise (like in between songs on a live set); the flip-up mutes allow the simulation of palm muting while not needing your hand to constantly rest on the bridge.

As for the rest of the features, they're not exactly important, and also, did I mention that this was a shelved project? The whole reason is that there's a little too much required work for right now.

Next!

Attempting to Recreate John Lennon's Les Paul Junior from a kit

This one is far easier, because most of the leg-work is already done for me.

Firstly, there was a recreation of his Junior back in 2007, done by Gibson themselves, so I can at least take from that to recreate it to my tastes. Secondly, I've a kit to bash this out of, so I can do most of the work without worrying about the rest of the guitar.

One small issue, however - this is the real thing:

Image source: https://www.mattsguitar.shop/en/vendues/gibson-custom-les-paul-junior-john-lennon

Now, you may be wondering, "Hey, um, what the fuck's that pickup in the neck?" That, my friend, is a recreation of the first electric pickup Gibson ever made: the Charlie Christian pickup.

It's technically the ES-150 pickup, designed in 1936, and gaining its common name through the wholesale adoption by famous jazz and bebop guitarist Charlie Christian. Sit back, folks, this one's a doozy.

The original pickups were built using 2 cobalt steel bar magnets, as AlNiCo magnets weren't widespread knowledge at the time, and were used to not only hold the pickup together, but also keep it attached to the top of the guitar. Remember, this was Gibson's first electric pickup, the P90 wouldn't be invented for another 10 years.

They were also wound with an incredibly thick gauge of wire: 38awg. In comparison, modern pickups are wound with either 42 or 43awg. It's not like extreme wire gauges weren't common at the time - Rickenbacker were using 53awg for their pickups for a long while. The only reason they stopped is because they hand-wound their pickups, and 53awg is such an incredibly thin wire, it's prone to breaking with incredible ease.

Anyway, because the pickup uses such large magnets and large wire coils, it's actually rather inefficient. Due to this, it only averaged out a DC resistance of 2.5-4k Ohms, with examples of 1.1-1.5k Ohms being very common.

Now, that's all fine, nor is it my issue. My issue is with the pickup that was used, because he somehow found a lefty pickup??? and he put it in the neck position upside down?????

Okay that needs explaining. How do I know it's a lefty pickup? Because it has this little notch where it'd pass under the B string. You'll find the same sorta thing on a Strat pickup, the pole under the B string is much lower than the others. But the thing about this is that the gap just... goes under the A string instead??? Either John got real lucky, or he asked Gibson to make him one. And either way, I cannot find one that could replicate that, which is why this build is an attempt at a replica.

Okay, last, but CERTAINLY not least.

Fender Marauder build

This one is much less of a doozy than the pickup and the Les Paul Junior. Let's dive in.

First, I need to explain one concept - the offset guitar body. Leo Fender, by all measures, was Fucking Insane by guitar standards. In a good way, that is. He designed the Fender company's biggest guitars just on the concept of improving through feedback. Take the Stratocaster for example: that was designed based on the feedback of wanting:

a vibrato system that could do what the Bigsby could, then return to tuning with ease.

individually adjustable saddles.

a more comfortable body than the slab of the Telecaster.

That's where the Strat came from, but where'd Leo get the idea for this thing, then?

In short, it was Leo getting further into the whole "improvements" thing. Larger pickups for a more defined response, a lead/rhythm circuit that emphasised an individual pickup in the switching, with which the volume and tone became pickup-specific, and a vibrato that was, in theory, easier to use and produce, meaning no need for back routing.

And y'know, he didn't get rid of everything from the Strat. He kept the body contours, the individually adjustible saddles, but he made one interesting change: the body wasn't aligned anymore. Notice the parts where the body curves inwards, around the waist of the guitar. That's the offset.

And, to his credit, the Jazzmaster was the first example of the offset guitar, with the biggest competitor (Gibson) not making a response until 5 years later, in 1963. Their response, being the Thunderbird bass and Firebird guitar, were the first example of a reverse offset, where the lower half of the guitar is more prominent than the upper half.

It was also designed by Ray Dietrich if you're wondering why it looks so off for a guitar. It's barely even offset!

So anyway, the Jazzmaster was the first of many offsets that Fender produced. There was also the:

Jazz Bass

Jaguar

Bass VI

Mustang

Electric XII

Marauder

Now, most of these have become mainstays of the Fender/Squier line-up over the years, except for that last one - the Marauder. Why? Because the Marauder never saw full production, and all the prototypes ended up going into the personal collection of Quilla "Porky" Freeman. A few have appeared here and there since then, but the model never got its time in the limelight.

Oh, sure there was the Modern Player Marauder back in 2010, but good golly gosh, wouldn't you believe it, that got none of the unique features!

Let's compare what it could have been to what it ended up as.

The Type II (2 different images because of the different headstocks)...

And the Modern Player.

Yeah, it's not exactly a competition between them in terms of features. It got done dirty with the reisue.

In case you're confused:

The Marauder was to have individual 3-mode pickup switching, but got shafted with this 5-way blade switch

Planned to have a Mustang vibrato, but got a 6-screw Strat-style trem. I know the Type 1 prototype had the Strat-style trem, but come on, you could stand to at least give it something more unique.

Was to have a lead/rhythm circuit and a standby/kill switch, and got neither one.

Yeah, the Modern Player Marauder holds nary a candle to the prototypes.

So what's my plans for this build? There's many things in my head related to this, from finish and colour to what I'm going to make it with to whether or not I want to make this kinda Red Special-ish with a zero fret and a floating tremolo, or just use a Mustang vibrato.

I do, however, know what I want to do with the pickups! I have a third pickup from the person who gave me the pair of Telecaster pickups, a hot-rodded Broadcaster bridge pickup, which you can probably guess where that's going. However, what about the other 2 pickups?

As the middle pickup, I was thinking a Burns Tri-Sonic (the same pickup as the Red Special), but I'm not sure on the neck pickup. Maybe a Wide-Range Humbucker? Or maybe a PAF copy? It's a series of long and hard thoughts in this case.

So yeah, that's everything! Keep in mind that this is always subject to change. You'd be surprised what goes on in my head to do stuff like this.

[skippydiesposting]

okay jfc I have to write a post about why the idea of "intuitive eating" rubs me the wrong way as a solution to eating disorders

not saying that it can't be a helpful tool in getting people back in touch with their bodies and unlearning certain lessons of diet culture, but I think it still enforces the societal harm that is weight stigma and discrimination. Here's why:

1. Intuitive eating still moralizes food in a hugely uncomfortable way. The whole basis of intuitive eating is centered on the idea that "if you let yourself eat the 'bad food', eventually you will start to crave the 'good food'!"

There are no bad or good foods. They are all just food. The food you eat in your everyday life is not medicine, nor is it poison, no matter what food it is. Your body needs sugar. Your body needs carbs. Your body needs fats. It's just food. It's just a way to get nutrients into your body. There's no wrong way to eat.

2. Intuitive eating still moralizes body size and implies that thinness is the correct goal. One aspect of intuitive eating is the sometimes unspoken implication that "once you learn how to eat correctly, you might not lose weight...but maybe you will, which would be great!"

In practice this is still praising weight loss, even if it's unintentional weight loss rather than intentional. It still gives the message that thinness is superior to fatness, and that thinness is a healthy ideal to strive for. Like this essay says, "Celebrating weight loss, even when it is a result of intuitive eating and having more compassion for your body, is still a commitment to thinness and still perpetuates fatphobia and diet culture."

3. Intuitive eating puts too much emphasis on hunger and hunger cues. There's the idea that once you "learn how to eat better", your hunger cues will fall into place and you'll "only eat when you're actually hungry". But guess what? You need to eat even if you're not hungry.

There are so many people who no longer, or might have never had, completely functioning satiety signals. People who have spent so long doing dieting or restrictive eating or battling eating disorders, but also people who suffer from illness or chronic disabilities which might affect the regulation of hunger cues. Some people will never feel hungry. But they still need to eat.

I've heard far too many people say that they don't eat breakfast/lunch/et cetera because they aren't hungry in the morning. As someone with a form of dysautonomia who becomes completely nonfunctional if I don't eat frequently, this attitude gets under my skin. Food is not about desire--or not entirely, as I'll get to later in the post--or about what you want to do. Food is crucial, full stop, no matter what.

I think the fatphobic myth that weight is tied to health and is something that can be controlled has created this idea of food as something optional, something that is purely driven by desire. Diet culture has made us believe that eating is simultaneously an Evil™ force that can control you and take over your body while simultaneously praising behavior of restriction, and at its heart restriction is about choice. Eating is not a choice. Eating is an entirely mandatory, necessary part of life, the same way that sleeping is. It's regulatory. It keeps you alive. The best thing you can do for your body is eat regularly and consistently.

Sometimes it's really fucking hard to eat when you don't have an appetite, or when you're nauseous. I completely understand that. Just like it's really fucking hard to sleep when you have insomnia. But you still have to do it. Eating is not optional; it's not something you do when you want to. It needs to happen regularly, every day. It's a very basic part of being a human being with a body, and no matter the state of that body, it needs to be fed.

You don't need to feel hungry to eat. Some people will never feel hungry, and they still need to eat. And it's also okay to eat without hunger, even if your basic needs of satiation and nutrition have been met. This leads me to my next point:

4. Intuitive eating puts too much emphasis on "mindful" eating. By continuing to constantly monitor and overthink your own eating behavior, it becomes a chore; it becomes a pattern of overattention and scrupulousity; it becomes something moralized, the same way that it is moralized in diet culture.

By all means, we should all try to be more mindful and intentional in our lives. But eating is just a basic fact of life. We don't consider whether we're "mindfully" sleeping, or "mindfully" taking a shower. Eating is just a part of your day, just something you need to do, and I don't think we have to focus every moment of our attention thinking about what food is wrong or right to be eating, or how we're eating it. In fact, I think everyone deserves to be mindless sometimes: everyone deserves to zone out in front of the TV, or get sucked into a video game. And that includes mindlessly eating.

In addition to being something basic and mandatory about having a human body, eating is one of the great pleasures of life, like sex or sleep. And like those things, it's completely fine if you just want to snack! For no other reason besides desire! In absence of hunger or satiety, eating can be something completely neutral and comforting. Eating can be a form of stimming for sensory seeking people; it can be fun; it can be used as a way of connecting other people. In fact, eating with other people is one of the things that induces oxytocin--known as the "love hormone"--in our brains, along with sex, childbirth, lactation, and singing with other people.

Telling people to be "mindful" when eating has the same flavor as the ways we treat drugs or alcohol in our society: "drink responsibly". "Eat mindfully". As if food is actually something that could harm us, rather than simply being the nutrients that keep us alive.

I really don't think that teaching people to overthink their food choices or behaviors is going to help anyone. Instead it needs to be clear that there are no morals attached to eating, nor the foods themselves. Eat when you need to. And also, eat when you want to. Eat for fun, for connection with other people, for pleasure, for sensory stimulation. Eat without thinking about it. That's the only way you can normalize it.

You don't need to eat in the "right way". There is no "right way". You just need to eat.

ALSO: this is meant for everybody, not just people who struggle with eating disorders or have been harmed by diet culture, but this is ESPECIALLY for fat people. Fat people are shamed constantly for the extremely natural and necessary practice of eating regardless of their actual eating habits, and I fully believe that unless we center fat people and their experiences in the anti-diet conversation, we will be trapped in the same horror of moralizing bodies, food, and basic humans needs that we have been for centuries.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT. No matter what.

[morphogenetic]

Mediaposting 2024, #3: Chrono Trigger (DS Version)

Completed: January 13th (first run including sidequests) / January 20th (NG+/all endings/near-100% completion run)

Time spent: 35 hours (first run)/55 hours (NG & NG+)

Rating: 7.5/10

i'll get the easy critique out of the way first, and this is specifically a DS version issue (/maybe a steam issue too? not sure): oh my god why the fuck did they think adding the lost sanctum and dimensional vortex sidequests would be a good idea. neither of them add a single thing to the story and are literally like 15 hours of boring as hell sidequests. whyyyyyy did they add this this was PAINFUL to do as a completionist. jfc.

other thoughts under the cut because they are LONG but the TL;DR is: i enjoyed this game! i don't think it's bad at all and can absolutely see the influence it had on the genre! i think it's absolutely a game everyone who cares even a little bit about RPGs should play if they haven't already! i also don't understand why people think it's one of the best games ever made even though i think it's actually quite good in a few aspects!

anyway. continued below

i constantly had heard that chrono trigger had a very cool time travel story, and while aspects of this, absolutely, are true, there are particular parts of the time traveling that feel rather tacked-on to me. in particular, the future and extreme past eras are just....kinda there. and hilariously the same is kind of true of the present era, but that i can excuse to some extent. i don't think any of the eras are particularly bad, but the future in particular was not nearly as well utilized as it should have been, IMO, which kinda bums me out.

for me, the main issue is that it doesn't do enough with the actual 'influencing one era to cause changes in the other' thing until the endgame sidequests, and by the time you can do those, it feels a little too-little, too-late. that or there should have been a better way to space those sidequests out as you actually play the game, because they genuinely add a lot to some of the characters (FROG MY BELOVED!!!!!!!!!!! and also lucca benefits a lot from her backstory). but making basically all of them only accessible in the eleventh hour felt very counterproductive to me. the plot is honestly mostly uninteresting to me until the zeal era, and that feels far too late for a game like this. idk. i like the world as a whole but some parts of the worldbuilding itself felt very minimal to me, like i wish the idea of a Nu was discussed AT ALL. or why its like completely normal for people to hang out with monsters/non-humans in 13,000 B.C. idk. just little things but i can tell it was probably more of a system limitation thing than anything else.

that said i think the main cast is quite solid. frog is the best easily, magus is a close second (though he also runs into the same problem where a ton of his character development is laaaaateeee), but i don't hate any of the other characters at all. ayla is fun (love a fun gimmick character every once in a while) and lucca is my favorite kind of weird nerd girl character. marle's playstyle annoys me until you have all of her techs and robo becomes kind of outclassed by frog but man. frog!!!!!! my man. hes so good.

basically no one is Not a fun character. is what im trying to say. i don't think they're all super deep characters, which bothers me a lot more than it probably should for a fucking 90s jrpg, but i like all of them a little bit, which is more than i can say for some games.

also, and this is more of a gameplay structure thing: i really appreciate how chrono trigger praises the player for being patient and for being kind. this is late game, but once you can unlock the chests i LOVE how you get upgraded rewards if you chose to not unlock them in the past. its so smart. that and the cases where your very small actions end up affecting things as minimal as the shopkeepers you can interact with? mwah. so good.

music: everyone always praises the hell out of the music and i do think there are some great tracks (CORRIDORS OF TIME MY BELOVED), but even for the era i dont think its truly exceptional in most ways. not bad at all and i know they had technical limits but.....still. still. corridors of time fucking sweeps them though. my god. what a good song.

art: okay yeah i dont have anything to say here. fucking amazing spritework going on in this game. enemies can be kind of whatever if they're not bosses but the fucking overworld/background art. the amount of emotion that is portrayed in a few pixels is astounding to me.

battle system: has aged so well and as soon as I started playing it i just went "OH THATS WHERE TWEWY GOT THE RELOAD SYSTEM FROM" because its almost a direct straight line of influence LOL. it really does force you to understand the mechanics and not just spam everything with your most powerful attacks. does get a little bit eh by the endgame once you're doing all-field-damage attacks out of necessity, but still. solid. not particularly unique by today's standards but if a game TODAY came out with this system i would have no complaints.

by this point you're probably saying "wow you wrote a lot about this for a game you think is a 7.5/10" and...yeah lol sorry. its just that i can see the influence and while i dont think its the BEST GAME EVAAAR i can absolutely see why people adore it so much. i think im just a slightly different time of rpg fan and this didn't quite scratch the itch for me in all the ways i was hoping it would, but there is no way in hell i can call it bad. i still think anyone who likes video games at all should play it. it just didnt scratch a very specific itch in my brain that i wanted it to (/it was less of a character story than i really like in my games), and so i cant quiiiite bump it up to that 8/10 i wish it so badly was. but theres a reason its a classic, it's aged incredibly well. just doesn't fit my niche enough.

that said. am i playing chrono cross after this? absolutely LOL. might take me a while but i am invested enough in this world to be interested in it. hopefully theres a bit more worldbuilding stuff bc the zeal stuff was SO GOOD but then it got crammed into the last 5 hours and hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i wanted so much more foreshadowing about it. god. anyway.

good game. not the best game of all time for me, but a good game. probably a great game to people who arent as picky as me LSGLSKDGH. just uh. dont play the extra DS content unless you're a completionist like me. lost sanctum MAYBE for the items but i would not bother with the dimensional vortex. its bad. lol

[percontaion-points]

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Chapter 20

…as I pull up a bunch of information on the ethics of Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle. Ms. Virago assigned the philosophers—and apparently she’s got a thing for the ancient Greeks…

Wow, it’s almost like a bunch of philosophers are from ancient Greece or something. How weird it is that you’re studying philosophy and you’re forced to cover Plato. 

Instead, it’s Jaxon. And he answered my joke.

Chapter 20 summary: The rest of the day is glossed over, and Grace heads towards the library to work on that philosophy assignment. As she’s going, she runs into… *checks notes* random background character whose name doesn’t fucking matter. Anyway, he randomly tells Grace that Jaxon loves her. When Grace questions Jaxon’s love, he says that Jaxon is simply hurt, and lashing out. Which doesn’t somehow excuse literally anything. Especially not his shit behavior before the bond was broken. 

Anyway, she goes to the library, where she meets up with Hudson. As they’re working, he randomly says that nobody has ever asked him how he’s doing and really meant it. He then gets into this really long tangent about not wanting other people’s pity. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here like “We’re literally 1/8th of the way through this shitshow. Can you maybe sum up his whining to half a page per chapter? Thanks.” 

Chapter 21

“Maybe if you spent less time with Hudson, you’d have a clue what’s going on with somebody, anybody, else.” 

You know, for a guy who fucking broke up with her, he sure does have a lot of opinions about how she spends her free time. 

“You really should just let this go, Grace. Let me go.” 

Considering that his own shit attitude and the bloodletter are the reason why both of them are in this situation to begin with, the least Jaxon can do is to go back to the bloodletter with Grace one last time. 

JFC this guy is really trying to win “asshole of the year” here.

As I head back down the stairs and to my room, I can’t help a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was the last time Jaxon will ever look at me that way again—like I matter to him. Or worse, like anything does.

Chapter 21 summary: Grace texts Jaxon back and forth with bad jokes and puns for a moment before she asks to talk to him. He agrees, and tells her to come to his tower. Grace is completely and utterly floored when she gets up there, to find the room completely gutted, and every spark of Jaxon’s personality missing. 

Jaxon comes out, and the two of them start to get at each other’s throats. Jaxon plays the “shitty, jealous ex-boyfriend” role a little too well, if you ask me. Grace tells him that she and Hudson are going to the bloodletter tomorrow to ask her to break the mating bond, and she wants him there. He refuses, stating that it’s time to let him go. 

He goes on and says that he’s going back to the court, to try and figure out specifically what his shitfuck dad is planning. And he knows that it involves Grace, so she should simply let him go and figure it out. She tells him to be careful as he leaves. 

Chapter 22

“Absolutely nothing,” I shoot back, then reach deep inside myself and grab my platinum string.

Chapter 22 summary: The next morning, Grace wakes up and randomly studies a map of the Alaskan wilderness. Despite the fact that she has no fucking idea where she’s going. 

Hudson shows up, and asks when they’ll be meeting Jaxon. He then gets insanely worked up upon finding out what his brother will be doing, but only because he doesn’t think Jaxon has enough IQ points to rub together. That their father will literally murder him, simply because Jaxon was in the way. 

Hudson finally says that he’s got the coordinates and a physical map, so they should be good to go. 

Chapter 23

I scream as something broadsides me out of nowhere and sends me spinning straight toward the ground.

Chapter 23 summary: Since Grace can fly now, she decides to actually fly. Which despite the length of the journey, probably would be more comfortable for her rather than to let her be carried by Hudson for hours. 

She’s flying near the Denali national park when something strikes her and she’s forced to land. 

[rollercoasterwords]

heyyy! rereading atyd sirius pov I wanted to ask you why did you make dumbledore tell sirius that remus was the spy? in the original I never got the sense that dumbledore didn’t trust remus, given that him and moody still gave remus important missions. I thought that Sirius came to the conclusion that Remus was the spy on his own bc he was paranoid

i loooooved the fic btw! i’m still rereading it constantly

hi!! sorry it’s taken me a bit to answer this because i saw it and was like “oh boy THAT’S gonna turn into an essay.” so here we go! (this is truly so fucking long jfc i’m sorry)

ok so i spent...probably too much time thinking about what was going on inside sirius’s head during the war and what could have led to him suspecting remus -- obviously, there are lots of ways to interpret it, so this is all just my interpretation and you can feel free to disagree/think otherwise! but my thinking was along the lines of

1. an extremely important part of sirius’s character is his loyalty to those he loves. i think this loyalty becomes sort of a character flaw sometimes, in that it doesn’t allow him to let go of people even if he should -- and i tried to bring that out throughout the fic in relation to his family. even when his mother essentially tortures him with lacero in the summer of 1975, he still goes home for christmas thinking ‘my parents would never REALLY hurt me, because they’re my parents.’ like, he isn’t consciously loyal to them per se, but he can’t let go of this idea that your family isn’t supposed to hurt you until he’s literally at risk of death. and then, same thing with regulus--even though, from sirius’s perspective, there’s all this evidence that his brother has basically thrown in his lot with their parents, he still can’t let go of that loyalty he feels until reg literally screams at him to fuck off--and even after that he has these really complicated feelings surrounding his brother and still has this sense of disbelief that reg could actually be a bad person, again, despite all evidence to the contrary.

2. okay, so there needs to be a catalyst -- some sort of moment where sirius experiences a fundamental shift in worldview, where he’s forced to confront or reckon with this really deep-rooted loyalty that he so often finds himself tangled in. i knew going into the war chapters that, for me, that moment was going to be his brother’s death. in the mkb canon, it’s after his brother’s death that he and remus basically stop talking about the war, so i felt like the groundwork was already there for an important shift. what i was trying to portray with my version of sirius’s reaction was that, essentially, sirius is completely unable to cope with his brother’s death. the grief is so big that he can’t touch it--he just represses it, but the only way to do that is to try and convince himself that he doesn’t care, and the only way to do that is to tell himself that reg was a bad person who deserved what he got. sirius doesn’t truly believe that, but he has to try and convince himself that he does anyway, because it’s the only way he’s able to cope with what happened. so his brother’s death creates this shift in worldview where sirius basically realizes: the people i love can be capable of evil, and there’s nothing i can do about it. like -- he’s forced to reckon with the fact that he cannot stop the people he loves from doing terrible things, and he can’t stop the consequences they might face thanks to the terrible things they do. 

so at this point, we get to a situation where sirius is now more on guard than he was before, where he isn’t quite as trusting of the people he loves because he is now actively repressing that instinct towards blind loyalty. at this point, i felt like it made sense to start writing in growing doubts and suspicions regarding remus’s behavior. i tried to highlight the parallel between remus and regulus in sirius’s thinking to help explain these doubts, too -- i think sirius, in an effort to understand remus, would relate a lot of the stuff with the werewolves to things with his own family. like, i think sirius’s thinking was sort of along the lines of, ‘we both have these evil ~families~ that we’re tied to through no fault of our own, and we both just need to reject them and show people we’re not the same as them.’ obviously, this isn’t really an accurate parallel; remus doesn’t need to reject all werewolves, and even though greyback is evil, it’s not the same situation as the black family -- i think this faulty relation is what leads to a lot of hurt and misunderstanding when remus doesn’t just flat-out reject greyback’s pack and people like livia, who sirius views at this point as unequivocally evil.

so now we finally get to spring of 1981, where tension is running high all around and nobody is really trusting each other like they used to. sirius is having these doubts about remus, and then james gets hurt, and suddenly it seems certain there’s a spy in their midst. i got to this point of writing, and found myself at a crossroads that i wasn’t entirely sure what to do with.

on the one hand, i could have written sirius reaching the conclusion that remus is the spy on his own. i think that...might have worked. and i think (at this point i don’t entirely remember lol) that that was what i was originally planning? but when i actually got to that point, it just...didn’t feel quite right to me. 

because the thing is, even though we’re at this point where sirius has all these doubts, and he knows the people he loves can do terrible things, i had still written him as a character who had this loyalty to the people he loves at his core. like, with reg, i’d written him repressing his conviction that his brother was somehow a good person, but the conviction was still there, y’know? so i just didn’t see a way for him to genuinely believe that remus was capable of being the spy on his own--i think he’d have all these doubts, and this more paranoid side of his brain that was like you shouldn’t be trusting remus, there are all these weird things happening, look at what happened with reg. but i’d written him as being just so...like...in love with remus that i felt like i had created a situation where it wasn’t really plausible for sirius to make the switch into thinking remus was the spy on his own. 

so...dumbledore. 

now, for me, the dumbledore stuff as i wrote it could be interpreted in one of two ways, and honestly both make sense to me; i wrote it intentionally with these two possible interpretations in mind.

1. dumbledore genuinely suspected that remus was the spy after what happened with james, because it seemed as though he was the only ‘outside’ person who knew where they would all be. plus, dumbledore really did have remus doing important prophecy research--i think it makes sense that he could find that suspicious, in hindsight. however, the keyword here is suspected, because i think even if dumbledore was suspicious he still wouldn’t want to let on that he thought remus might be the spy--he’d want to continue as normal and wait for remus to slip up, or try to catch him somehow. i get the point about missions, but honestly, i don’t think remus was actually doing a ton of like...really important work for the Order after spring 1981. like we don’t really hear about him having any crucial missions until he gets sent to see the werewolves, and i tried to kind of address that with sirius’s thoughts in that chapter -- he asks himself if this is some sort of loyalty test for remus, or just an excuse to get him out of the way for a while. honestly, i think it could have been either, if we’re going with the interpretation that dumbledore suspects remus of being the spy.

2. dumbledore was pulling the strings all along. if you’re a dumbledore-was-behind-everything-theorist, this one’s for you. in this interpretation, dumbledore understands from the prophecy that there’s going to need to be a ‘chosen one’ to ultimately defeat voldemort, and he intentionally sets out to create that chosen one. he knows a love sacrifice will make harry invulnerable, which means lily and james have to die; he knows peter is the spy; he knows there are basically three options for who james would make secret keeper if he goes into hiding. he gets rid of remus by convincing sirius that remus is the spy, then he gets sirius to doubt himself enough to make sure that it’s peter. he gets to test his theory when voldemort attacks lily and james; he weakens voldemort exponentially and gets unimpeded access to shape his chosen one however he wishes in one fell swoop. is this interpretation a bit of a stretch? maybe. but it sure is fun! 

either way, i think dumbledore’s manipulation would be the catalyst needed to get sirius to try and convince himself that remus was the spy. again, i wrote it to sort of parallel his response to his brother’s death -- he represses what he actually feels, and forces himself to think the thing that he thinks will help him survive. so, with remus, i don’t think sirius ever truly believed he was the spy, like at the core of himself i just don’t think he had it in him to believe that. BUT he’s in this situation where he’s desperate to protect james and harry and lily, and he has all these lingering doubts that have built up, and now here’s dumbledore basically telling him that not only can he not trust remus, but he can’t trust himself--and for me, that was what was needed to push him over the edge. 

TL;DR - with the way i’d characterized sirius, i didn’t think it was plausible for him to fully believe that remus was the spy without some outside catalyst, and it made sense to me that dumbledore would be that catalyst!

[alirhi]

Loki ranting

Okay. I had this thought in my head of like just compiling links of all the Loki shit I've posted/reblogged so far so that when I get into a conversation about the show and how it fucking disgusted me, I can just be like "here. here's this masterlist post, go read all this shit. This is my entire argument, and not only mine, but a lot of stuff posted by people far more intelligent and level-headed and eloquent than I am, whom I happen to agree with." Because the alternative is constantly getting fired up all over again, and that is exhausting.

BUT! I'm stupid and don't know how tumblr works. Apparently I can't just be like "give me all the Loki-tagged shit I've got" I can only search all the Loki-tagged shit on all of tumblr. And I'm not scrolling back through all of my posts. I talk too fucking much for that shit 😂

So, I'll try to remember all of my grievances with how the MCU has treated Loki, and all of the excellent posts made by other, equally upset fans, and put it all together here under this nice, neat little cut for everyone else's sanity and scrolling convenience...

For people who actually read my shit fairly regularly - bless you, you crazy, patient people. I love you! - this is going to be a lot of repetition of shit you've already read. Probably at least twice. I'm passionate and I have a terrible memory lol. Sorry.

Anyway, first, for those who don't know me and haven't been following my explosions of rage for the past couple of months, some quick background: I do not read comic books, so Loki's Marvel comic canon means nothing to me. I know almost nothing about it. The reason I'm so in love with the character in the MCU is because I am an eclectic witch and the deity I've actively loved and worshiped the longest in my life (literally for as long as I can remember) is Loki. So when he was mentioned in The Mask, I squeed. When they named Matt Damon's character after him in Dogma, I cheered.

When Thor came out in 2011, I just about died from happiness. I was hungry for any representation of this underappreciated god, no matter what it was. I didn't even bitch about how underpowered he was, because at least he was there. But I'm getting slightly ahead of myself.

I can hear anyone reading this going "Why Loki? Isn't he, like, evil? Like basically the Norse version of The Devil?" Because I heard all this shit irl all the fucking time. And no. So let me give you a quick rundown of who Loki actually is.

Loki is a Trickster God. He's often referred to as the God of Mischief. He is not and never was evil, simply chaotic and hedonistic. Loki Laufeyjarson was the son of Laufey (that's mama; they changed her to a man for some reason in the movie) and Fárbauti. Right from the start, from his name, we get a sign of how Loki goes against traditional norms of the time, because in Norse culture, families were patrilineal, and surnames were "son/daughter of father" (which would have made him Loki Fárbautitason), not the mother. But Loki's surname is matrilineal. Feminist icon woo! lol

Though he's a Jotunn, Loki is counted among the Gods (Aesir) in Norse tradition. Depending on his mood, he is alternately helpful or disruptive to the other Gods. I'm not gonna sit and teach a whole text class on him lol but I'll use my favorite example of Misunderstood Loki - the conception of Sleipnir!

So, get this shit. This is also part of why I DO NOT follow Odin and never fucking will (a very small part, but still part of the reason). So, the other Norse Gods are petty motherfuckers, and they wanted some shit built but didn't want to pay the dude doing the building. So they were like "okay, if you can get it done in X amount of time, we'll pay you, but if you can't manage it NO MATTER WHAT, this whole thing is free." And they made sure he had NO help, nothing but him, his materials, and his Very Good Horsey. And this guy and his horse were fucking BAMFs. So it was looking like he was definitely gonna get it done in time, and Odin was like "nah, fuck that shit. I'm cheap." and so he sent Loki to distract the work horse. Loki transformed into a mare and lured the horse away, got fucked, got pregnant, gave birth to the 8-legged (for some reason) horse Sleipnir. Odin rides Loki's son into battle. Um. Kay.

So Loki helped Odin be a petty mf, and Odin got himself a new pet out of the deal.

Oh, also, because he's smart af and a shapeshifter and a master magician and genderfluid, Loki "fails" to fit the super fucking toxic and narrow Norse/Aesir view of "a real man". He prefers intelligence and manipulation to solve problems rather than violence, he's not afraid to behave like a clown if it gets shit done, and that grosses the Aesir out, so they constantly ridicule him for being "less than a man".

Loki is the God of the outcast and the misunderstood. The marginalized people from all walks of life. He is the God of the LGBT community. In modern terms, he's pansexual, polyamorous (married to Sigyn and they are deeply in love, but boy gets around and I've never seen any indication that Sigyn gives a shit) and genderfluid.

Okay. Focus, Ali. This is part of why I usually post multiple rants instead of one big long one XD The longer I ramble, the more I get sidetracked and forget the original point.

So. Loki's awesome, and being a Trickster, is powerful as all fucking hell. There's not much he can't do.

And now we come to Thor (the movie, not the deity). Loki's there! 24-year-old Ali is spazzing! All is right with the world!

Oh lord, they've actually done him justice?! Amazing! He's complex and nuanced and emotional, just like the real Loki! I loved this movie. Loved. It. The climactic thing with trying to blow up Jotunheim never really made much sense to me until someone made an excellent point the other day about Loki being raised in a racist society that was racist against his own race, he just didn't know it yet, poor child. Baby Thor was never corrected when he pledged to commit mass genocide, so Baby Loki probably absorbed the lesson then that Jotunns=evil and killing them all will win his father's love. Anyway, 2011 Loki was a beautiful, heartbreaking portrayal of the God I've loved all my life and spent 24 years longing to see depicted on the big screen.

Then The Avengers happened. And I saw another Loki very close to Norse mythology - mainly, how he's treated. In the beginning of the movie, he's sick, exhausted, and in pain. He can hardly stand, he stumbles and needs help when he walks. He was very obviously tortured, and the sickly blue light of the scepter's control is in his eyes. That gets less and less pronounced as the movie goes on, showing Loki working his way free of it, but in the beginning, he's a mess. Because he was tortured and used by Thanos. Marvel directly confirmed this, and that he was under the scepter's/Mind Stone's control. Loki's actions are not his own in The Avengers. He's under both threat and Thanos' direct control. The movie actually shows The Other directly threatening him to keep him on task, because this is not Loki's plan. It is not what he wants. He's being used and villainized... Just like in real life. It hurt to see this done to him, but the accuracy was too beautiful to ignore.

Thor: The Dark World comes out. I've heard people complain that this movie is the weak link in the Thor trilogy. I disagree. I think that's Ragnarok, for a bunch of reasons, but we'll get there. (And for the record, I loved Ragnarok, too. It was a funny movie. Infinity War and the Disney+ series are the only portrayals of Loki in the MCU that I truly fucking hated.) Anyway, good, fun movie. Had its faults, as all movies do, but it still followed Loki's real-life arc in a way. How? By having Loki dragged back to Asgard in chains and imprisoned underground. Again, not super happy that this happened to my love, and having to see it on screen was painful, but at least in the MCU he's not chained to a rock with venom dripping on his face for eternity, so there's that. (poor Sigyn. how tired do her arms get, holding up that bowl? best wife ever, amirite?)

In TDW, we're shown Loki's love for Frigga, who favored him and taught him magic as a child. We see his bravado; his attempts to mask his true feelings, especially grief. We see him slowly coming back to himself after the events of The Avengers, and slowly mending his relationship with his brother. He accepts that Odin will likely never love him, but Thor just might, because they were close when they were young. "I didn't do it for him." No, no my sweet, you did it for your brother, and a little out of guilt for what happened to your mother.

At the end, Loki fakes his death and escapes, taking the throne, and I have mixed feelings about this. Not the writer's choices here; I love that completely! A natural progression in Loki's story. But my joy is tainted by how closely they're following the Eddas now. Because Loki's escape from his prison heralds the beginning of Ragnarok. And Loki will die in Ragnarok. I don't want to see that play out in front of my face. I won't be able to handle the grief (spoiler alert! IW broke me. I almost walked out of the theater. Loki's death was legitimately fucking traumatic for me. I don't even care how pathetic that is. That grief was real, it was intense, and I still shake and cry when I think about it.)

Marvel announces that Thor 3 will be called Ragnarok. The internet treats this as a shocking revelation. I roll my eyes and mumble "duh" to myself and move on XD

Then they say Ragnarok will be a buddy comedy. I throw up a little in my mouth and no longer want to live on this planet. If they're going to make something called Ragnarok, could they at least treat it with even a fraction of the respect they've shown these characters thusfar? Jfc. I mean, I'll see it anyway, because I'm a whore for Tom Hiddleston lol. But come on, people!

I hated that they made Hel the long-lost older sister and Fenrir her fucking pet/attack dog. Those are my favorites of Loki's children! Hel is such an incredible badass that the early Christians named their dimension of eternal torture after her! They were terrified of her, to the point of naming the place that terrified them most after her. That's awesome! And Fenrir's just the best. I love wolves. Those two details, and Odin's retcon of "we're not Gods! ...lol, except your sister. she's totally a Goddess. and def gonna kill literally everything, so... good luck! byyyeeeee" pissed me off royally.

The rest was great. I genuinely liked this movie. Still do. And they finally used The Immigrant Song! That was pretty cool. If they'd thrown in Bring the Hammer Down and Thunderstruck, I might've called this movie perfect. XD

I wasn't totally in love with their portrayal of Loki in Ragnarok. Yes, the falling for 30 minutes line was funny, as was "I have to get off this planet" and "YES! That's how it feels!" And "Get Help" was funny as hell. But also, like... There is no way Loki would have been the dumb one in that first encounter with Hela. Also, he can teleport and project copies of himself and shit, so... He would not have been that desperate to go straight back to Asgard and bring her right along with them. Loki's not stupid. But whatever. Movie's gotta movie.

What I did love was seeing the slow mending of his relationship with Thor continuing, and the badass fighting on the bridge. I also loved that, like Real Loki, Movie Loki helped when help was needed, was quick and clever, and while he was carrying out the main plan, he was also planning ahead and grabbing the Tesseract. Yes, that drew Thanos right to them, but that's a whole other thing. Loki never would have left that thing on Asgard to be destroyed or lost.

And now Infinity War. Hooooly fucking shit. You know what? No. I'm not going into this. He was killed, years of character growth were erased forever, my heart fucking shattered. The end.

Endgame. IW hurt me so bad I didn't see Endgame until this year. I actually watched Civil War first (for context: I had actively avoided all Cap movies until this year because I fucking hate Steve Rogers. I find him insufferable. Did not realize what I was denying myself until I watched CW and finally saw the charms of Bucky. When he appeared in IW, I was so lost. XD I was like "...who dis? Murder Jesus?" also I just... didn't care. I was numb by then from crying through most of the movie over Loki)

So, anyway. Endgame. Loki picks up the Tesseract in alternate 2012, escapes, fans go "yay! he didn't actually die!" I go "yes he fucking did. Five years of his life, gone. Five years of growth and change, erased. Loki is dead. This will not be the same."

I was more right than I could have predicted. Now we come to the point of this rant. Sorry it took so long, but you were warned lol.

The Loki series makes me so angry I actually get sick to my stomach. It was fucking TRASH. When I praised Marvel for following Norse mythology so faithfully earlier? Yeah. I DID NOT MEAN TREAT HIM THE WAY THE OTHER GODS DID. I did not mean paint him as a pitiful clown, a joke, a caricature of who he truly was, with his pain and suffering played for LAUGHS.

This is supposed to be 2012 Loki, newly freed from Thanos' control. The Loki we saw in the beginning of TDW - snarky, exhausted, nihilistic. The Loki who rolled his eyes and said "get on with it" expecting to be killed.

The bumbling clown flipping on a dime from posturing to calling himself weak is not 2012 Loki. That is not ANY Loki. That is Tom Hiddleston in a black wig doing what he's told by a shitty writer who had no fucking idea what he was doing and was salty about his (bad) original script (for something totally fucking unrelated) getting killed.

In Episode 1, Loki is mocked, imprisoned, stripped against his will, tormented, belittled, and given a flippant summary of all the trauma Actual MCU Loki suffered that this one skipped out on, with no context, no acknowledgement of the trauma he's already lived quite fucking recently, and with the narrative twisted to not only erase all the abuse he's suffered, but to make it all his fault. And this is supposed to make him want to help these people?

And worse, IT FUCKING WORKS. WHAT?! I CAN'T- FUCKING WHAT?! Remember when I said LOKI IS NOT FUCKING STUPID?! So why is he STUPID?

Episode 2, he's a child. Mentally, this Loki is a fucking child. Now we've erased all the growth and development of his entire adult life. He's dopey, impatient, impulsive, desperate for a pat on the back and actually shows it. Yes, abused and neglected children crave the positive attention we never received, and we often grow up to be a bit emotionally stunted. But not all of us, and not Loki. Not as we've seen him EVER in the rest of the MCU. Playful and a bit callous at times? Absolutely! But not a big dumb fucking puppy.

Episode 3, a ray of hope, despite Sylvie! (I hate Sylvie) Loki casually admits he's pan/bi; labels never come up, but he admits to being with both men and women! He sings! Not really relevant to whether I approve of his portrayal or not lol but Tom has a beautiful voice, Norwegian ("Asgardian" lol) is a gorgeous, entrancing language, and I could watch that one bit on loop for eternity and never get bored. And then, finally, we see a glimpse - a glimpse - of Loki's power! He stops a falling building and pushes it right back up! Are we finally getting to see what he can really do? Will the next episode bring us Loki in all his glory?

Nope. 4 and 5 we see him mocked and pushed around and utterly irrelevant. Again. We see tiny reflections of what he could maybe theoretically do in other random Loki variants, but the "main" (lawl. main. it was the Sylvie and Mobius show. Loki was never the main anything.) Loki? Nothing. He wears his heart on his sleeve for no reason, bonds with the man who imprisoned, taunted, and gaslit him, is killed, and continues to be a moron and a joke. Always the clown. Always the dumb one. The one with the bad ideas. The inferior Loki.

Don't even get me started on that finale. I can't. This already took so much out of me. Fuck Marvel. Fuck this fucking show. I just... I'm done.

[daincrediblegg]

ALPHABET HEADCANONS: JACK O’NEILL

A/N: This is it!!!! I’ve caved!!!! I need more content for this man and I’ve gotta create it myself, so enjoy these unprompted lil nuggets of fluff! And don’t forget my ask box is always open for more!!

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Jack is super fuckin affectionate, but he’s more of a… show don’t tell kinda guy. He’s got a bit of a hard time necessarily talking about how he feels- usually deflects things with humor. But he shows it in other ways. In warm touches, in playful side-eyes. Unrestrained by being professional he will hug you all the fuckin time. No shortage of funny little pet names either oh my god it’s like he comes up with a new one every fuckin dAY. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Jack O’Neill is a really good best friend ok. You’ve seen how he is with the rest of SG1. The dude has so much chill (unless it’s a life-or-death situation obviously), is always inviting you to go fishing. He’s REALLY good in tough situations simply because of his sense of humor and general chill attitude. GREAT at reducing anxiety like guy is a human valium- always knows how to distract anyone before their brain goes into some sort of head-spiral about anything. Loyal as SHIT when you’re in with him he’s pretty much ride or die for you even if you don’t agree with him on everything he would still probably take a bullet for his best friends. Also the biggest hype man- whatever you’re good at he has 100% faith in you to do it right and will always shut down negative thoughts about your abilities. 10/10 on the bestie scale tbh the man is a LIFER.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He’s actually, perhaps surprisingly, a really snuggly guy when you’re in a relationship with him. He may be… a little touch-starved since the divorce, and kinda misses it, so expect an arm draped over your shoulder or around your waist whenever you’re in a room together, and to be damned near joined at the hip when you’re not in public. The man is an actual living cuddle bug and he’s so sweet jesus. 

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

At one point in time he’d have liked nothing more than to settle down, get a dog, just enjoy being retired, but honestly he doesn’t mind that that ideal is a little further away than he thought now that he’s in the Stargate Program. He likes what he does- as stressful as it is sometimes, but there’s never a dull moment. That’s for sure. He’s very good about cleaning and keeping things tidy generally (it’s that military training hard at work), but cooking??? Eh??? He’s passable, can make some basic stuff and ofc he loves to grill (expect very charred meat) but… just don’t ask him to cook anything too elaborate (like… this is a dude who thinks beer is a good omelette ingredient jfc do not let him near a stove for anything more elaborate than a fried egg he’s a fucking gremlin man). 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Quickly. And probably succinctly. The only time he’d really get blunt about something is if he had to end it with his partner for some reason. Just to spare himself and his partner the pain. It’s not without emotion though. Oh no. He may move on from things with relative ease- more likely than not without malice for the other person, but he’d never leave anyone without saying a proper goodbye if he’s the one who has to end it. 

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Probably not too quick. He’s not even sure he really wants to get married again after how everything with Sarah went down. He’d have to be pretty crazy about someone to want to try all that again, but if that happens… then maybe he won’t be thinking about it like that. 

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

H-… have you seen this man??? How tender he is with his partners??? It’s unbelievable that a guy like him has the capacity to be as gentle as he is but it’s breathtaking, and it’s only a glimpse of what he’s capable of. He may be a military man- but doing what he does requires much more care and dexterity than people think, and his touch only serves to show as much. This is the guy who holds your face or tugs you closer when you kiss him. This is the same guy who can diffuse bombs and wield a firearm like an extension of himself and handles you with the same amount of reverence and care if not more. 

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Oh he loves hugs. Loves them. May not do hugs quite as often as he might like actually. Hugs his close friends plenty and especially when they need it, but hugs you even more. He’s a really good hugger too. They’re just encompassing and strong and warm and if you’re not careful you could get addicted. 

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He waits on this one. For like… a long while. He probably knows it deep down long before he says it, probably won’t really admit it to himself for a long while even when he realizes that’s what he feels. But one day it probably just… slips out. Unprompted. And it’ll shock you both, but one thing’s for sure; he means it with his whole chest and nothing less. 

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Oh you have no jealousy troubles with this man. He’s an adult, and he recognizes that he’s not the center of everyone’s universe and that people can have just friendly relationships with other people of the gender they’re attracted to. He wouldn’t be in any kind of serious relationship with someone he didn’t trust them implicitly from the start. The man is truly a champ at being chill as hell. If he ever does feel it you’d probably never fuckin know it either. Guy can keep that shit close to his chest if he wants. 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Warm, enveloping, grounding. The kind that make you feel like you’re sinking into something solid, that nothing could hurt you. If he’s kissing you he’s taking his time. Holding you close. Meaning it. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

ARE YOU KIDDING??? HE’S FANTASTIC AROUND KIDS!!!! EARTH KIDS?? ALIEN KIDS??? THEY ALL LOVE HIM!!! HE IS JUST DAD SHAPED!!!!!! TO EVERYONE!!!! He’s… not sure if he’d ever want to try to have another kid of his own, maybe, but he has SERIOUSLY considered adopting some alien kids in the past at MINIMUM and probably would if he wasn’t always going off-world.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

A lot of groaning, at least when he wakes up at first, probably some sleepy kisses while resisting the temptation to uh… get frisky before work. But he’ll get up, clean up, shave and do his silly little crossword (and he DELIBERATELY puts in wrong answers for funsies I know this in my heart). Most days he probably eats breakfast at the base, but on his days off he would probably take turns with you making breakfast- makes egg and bacon smiley faces when it’s his turn (and the occasional beer omelet if he’s feeling lazy). PROBABLY would pick up donuts for the weekend too. 

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Usually with a couple of beers, snuggling up under a nice flannel blanket and watching The Simpsons, or whatever else is on TV. Maybe some take-out from one of the usual places (I’m convinced he’s got like 5 or 6 places in town he’s a regular at that he goes to on rotation) . Probably gets a fire going if things are getting chilly up in Colorado. Just likes to settle in and maybe pass out on the couch a lil. 

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He’s a low and slow kind of guy. Both for his own emotional well-being and for his partner’s. He’s got some pretty nasty demons in his past, and they overwhelm even him sometimes.  He knows that it’s important to talk about it, and while if he really loves someone he won’t mind sharing these things with them… it just takes time for him to work up the courage to face them again himself and put it all into words. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

With a partner, he’s just about as far away from easily angered as a guy can get. He’s actually very chill with the people he loves. There’s sincerely so very little that you could do that could piss him off to the point of losing his temper- and even then he’d never shout at you or anything- that’s the kind of shit he has to do and see enough at work, and he pretty explicitly never wants to cross that line with someone he’s in a romantic relationship with. And even if he is angry for some reason he’s never really angry at his partner- at least in affairs of the heart he pretty much always remembers the love he has for you comes first and foremost. 

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Believe it or not he actually is *very* good at remembering things about people. He may be one whole dumbass, and can’t do math, but that’s because most of his brain capacity is taken up with things about the people he cares about. Probably knows you down to your favorite food- enough to know to bring it to you to cheer you up, or suggest watching your favorite movie when you get home after a long day. 

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

He probably remembers the moment you met the most clearly- the moment when you were suddenly in his life even though he didn’t know what you would end up meaning to him down the line. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Jack is honestly the kind of guy who would rather die himself than stand idly by and watch someone he cares about die. This man would take a staff blast and so much worse for you and that’s a guarantee. But when he’s down that means he’s a little more vulnerable. He really appreciates it when he knows someone is gunning to keep him alive too. To know that despite his bravado and despite his own hero complex someone’s just as concerned with his livelihood. 

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He’d put a little effort in. He’s more on the low-key side, not as big of a fan of grand gestures, and of course sometimes the job gets in the way of putting plans into motion (and he’d need a partner who’d understand that), but if that does happen he inevitably finds a way to make it up- sometimes even ahead of time if he has even a shred of warning about some kind of impending earthly peril. But when he plans something it’s usually very sweet, and far from an unfun cliché (but at least one time for valentine's day you *will* come home to rosepettals on the floor leading to the bedroom to find him in some silk boxers on the bed because of course he’s the gift). But usually things with him are… I don’t wanna say spontaneous because he does usually have at least a little bit of a game plan, but he’s all for improvisation and just loves getting swept up in doing whatever with you.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

I wanna take some time to call him out thoroughly on the fuckin beer omelets thing my guy do you???? Have taste buds???? Listen. With other shit in there I might understand. Beer and cheese is a good combo. But???? JUST BEER IN YOUR EGGS AVAJSFHR!!!!!! Of all the stuff you’ve done in this whole series this is probably your greatest war crime and I’m gonna fucking invoke the 3rd amendment for it. Oh also his fridge is nasty and full of “science experiments” (which like... same) but guy I get why you always be getting take out now jesus fucking christ.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Not overly. You’ve seen how this man dresses. He has his little inexplicably fashionable moments, but by *far* he’s more concerned with practicality at least where his attire and physical appearance are concerned. That being said, if you compliment him on like literally anything he will get a major confidence boost about it and will try to do it/wear it more. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

No… and yes. With all he’s seen and been through, he knows not everything is certain, not everything is meant to be and nothing is forever. But at the same time… he feels just a little better off with you around. He feels this kind of thing with everyone he’s really close with in their own unique way. He really doesn’t know where he’d be without the people he cares about who care about him back and can’t imagine a scenario in which he’d feel whole as a person without them coming into his life at the time they did. And you’re absolutely no different. 

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

So we know Jack has like the biggest fuckin sweet tooth. Pie, Cake, Donuts, ice cream, all of it. There’s always sweets in the house. And if you *make* some for him??? He will automatically love you forever. Also would probably be ok with you feeding him sweets. Warning tho: He’d probably do it back and get it all over your face and whoops now you’re making out covered in frosting and bits of cake and the only way to clean up is to lick it off each other’s faces oh no oh dear. 

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Petty, pushy people. Just doesn’t have the time. Jack can honestly vibe with just about everyone, even people who are wildly different than him, but the only thing that’s really an outright nope for him is people who are so wrapped up in petty problems they can’t see any kind of bigger picture. Or people who are just generally *too* pushy or overly dramatic about every little thing for little to no reason to the point of being just plain childish. He can handle just about everything else but that??? Nope.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Kinda sprawls out a lil in his sleep. Typically a stomach sleeper but shifts to his back sometimes (especially to cuddle). He’s always at least touching you in his sleep because no matter how much or little he just likes knowing you’re there.

[blossom-hwa]

college model!juyeon

SO the people have spoken (aka 3 people but it’s more than 0 so I DON’T CARE) and without further ado HERE WE GO IT’S A COLLEGE MODEL JUYEON BLURB. please reblog if you enjoyed and check out my other dumb overly long blurbs in the stream of idiocy tag on my blog <3

pairing: juyeon x gender neutral!reader

wc: 2.4k

genre: fluff, a bit of angst when mc is stressed, university!au

triggers: cursing, like the tiniest bit of suggestive stuff but absolutely nothing explicit (it’s really just saying juyeon is hot which wbk)

fashion major!kevin

TBZ Scenarios Masterlist | TBZ Drabbles Masterlist

so juyeon isn’t actual a professional model-model like he just happens to be v tall and v handsome and therefore catches the eye of every single fucking fashion major (and other people too) on campus but i’m focusing on the fashion majors because he is LITERALLY model material. have you seen those fucking arms and that fucking face ANYWAY MOVING ON juyeon is an absolute sweetheart behind those stupid muscles and anyone who works with him swears it is impossible like legitimately impossible not to fall in love with his dumb little smile but the thing is juyeon only really agrees to model for fashion major kevin usually like sometimes kevin will pull in a favor and ask him to model for someone else who can’t find anyone (bc let’s be real kevin’s got a lot of friends he could definitely rope someone into modeling for him /cough the other 2/3 of bermuda line cough/ but more often than not kevin takes juyeon not bc juyeon is like the best model or whatever (he’s good obv but some people probably have more experience) but bc juyeon is the only one who will willingly wear some of kevin’s more questionable choices

and the fucking thing is. he still looks good in them. he walks down the runway in this weird ass shirt and pants or whatever the hell kevin’s cooked up for this assignment and people are like.... IT’S SO WEIRD BUT WHY IS JUYEON PULLING IT OFF

so YEAH juyeon is happily modeling his way through college while doing a dance major (one time kevin did his makeup to purposely make him look slightly sweaty and the crowd went fucking insane) and he’s got a lot of things going for him, looks, talent, hard work, etc. and he’s v good at dancing, one of the top in his year so in exchange for his modeling work kevin goes to his dance recitals/competitions to cheer him on and that’s actually how juyeon meets you

you’re feeling shitty bc you just broke up with your partner for whatever reason, let’s just say it was not an amicable breakup and you were about to hole yourself up in 1. the dorm or 2. the lab and just drown yourself in work to forget everything but kevin is one of your good friends and he rolls up and is like. nah. fuck no i’m taking you out we are going to get lunch and then we are going to go see my model friend at one of his dance recitals i promise you it will be FUN and??? you can’t exactly refuse because it’s kevin and he’s not wrong you actually do need to go outside and get some fresh air bc the only time you have left a building over the past week or so is to 1. go to class/the lab from your dorm or 2. to go to your dorm from class/the lab (you are a science major here bc i am a science major and i am heavily projecting ok don’t come at me. though i will say you do theoretical physics which i DO NOT DO but i think it’s cool if mind-blowing so again. projection. despite the fact that i will not touch quantum mechanics after today with a ten foot pole)

so kevin forces you outside and the day is going ok like it’s nice out and he pays for the food and the dance recital is amazing and juyeon has this mf solo that’s absolutely gorgeous and you’re like hitting kevin in the shoulder like omg dude how did you score a friend this talented and he’s like??? what the fuck do you mean by that are you saying i’m not talented and you’re like. well. and then he threatens to deck you but it’s all in good fun anyway MOVING ON when the recital is over kevin drags you over to meet juyeon bc he’s like! it is unacceptable that two of my good friends do not know each other and juyeon if you’re not doing anything you should come with us to dinner! and juyeon is like well i was going to go out with the dance team but you two could come with us and he’s all smiley and soft and you half want to praise the heavens and half want to go to hell bc he looks so sweet and happy and lovely and it’s an honor to be in his presence but at the same time you haven’t left a building for like a week and you’re pretty sure you still have eyebags that haven’t disappeared (jokes on you they’ll never disappear this is university) but kevin says yes for both of you and so you end up with dinner plans too

and it’s fun! everyone is really nice and even though you know nothing about dance you and juyeon end up having v cool conversation about each other’s interests and all that and you’re so immersed in talking with him that you don’t see kevin giving you side-eyes next to you every five fucking minutes (he’s like well. i didn’t see this coming but i’m not going to complain) and by the end of the night you have juyeon’s number in your phone and you’ve made plans to get coffee before class the next day (you don’t have the same class but they’re in adjacent buildings and at the same time so why not) and you go back to your dorm feeling happier than you’ve felt all week

it continues like this?? like it’s actually v weird bc even when you two don’t have plans to meet up juyeon just magically appears around where you’re supposed to be and when you remark on this at one point juyeon just kinda blushes and diverts the topic which makes you suspicious a little but he’s really sweet and has no stalker-ish vibes and you also double-check with kevin who just fucking starts laughing over the phone until you hang up bc he clearly doesn’t have the brain cells to talk to you anywho this is model juyeon and i haven’t talked about that much but HERE WE GO 

kevin has a fashion show assignment coming up and juyeon doesn’t have much time to hang out anymore between fittings with kevin + his own major so you end up carting your ass to the fitting sessions after kevin invites you once to see what’s going on and juyeon actually gets scared by all the numbers n shit on your papers bc like what the fuck y/n are you a computer and you just whap him over the head with your stack of homework and say no shut the fuck up and model pretty boy (you don’t see but juyeon blushes bc you called him pretty. kevin saw though and he’s not impressed) but you end up not focusing on your homework bc kevin has juyeon put on and take off clothes at multiple points during the session and ofc if it’s pants or whatever juyeon goes into a different room but if it’s just a shirt.... let’s just say you get a free show and at some point you’re just like yeah i have to go and kevin’s like?? there’s still an hour left and you say something like i can’t focus here the vibes are off and KEVIN KNOWS WHAT’S UP but juyeon is adorably oblivious so he’s just like! ok! see you later y/n i hope you get your homework done :) and he’s so smiley and cute and you just want to melt and cry bc he’s shirtless which is hot asf but he’s also smiling like that which is cute asf and you’re getting whiplash

(you still end up joining the sessions every so often. you bring homework to try and get it done but your time is either spent critiquing kevin’s fashion choices or staring subtly (not) at juyeon)

then a not good week rolls around and it’s just been absolutely shitty between crap professors and too much homework and your lab is working on submitting a paper soon and you’re stressed to the max and to top things off you saw your ex earlier and they tried to talk to you and you really didn’t want to have it so you’re in the lab crying over your computer while you try to proofread the stupid paper and your phone is off bc you don’t want to talk to anyone but then the door bursts open and you nearly have a heart attack and there juyeon stands in clothes that definitely aren’t his own (they’re too sleek and fancy to be normal clothes at least) and his eyes are kinda wild before they locate you in the corner of the room, shell-shocked and confused and also still crying a little bit out of stress 

and oh god juyeon’s eyes just soften totally and he walks over and before you know it you’re being pulled into a juyeon hug which is quite possibly one of the best hugs you have felt in a very long time and you’re doing your best not to break down right then and there bc his clothes feel hella expensive and he’s asking you what’s wrong and you can’t speak bc if you do you’ll cry on his model clothing and you finally manage to say that and there’s a beat of silence and then juyeon just goes well would it help if i took the shirt off 

AND THAT JUST SETS YOU OFF AND NOW YOU’RE CRYING AND LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME AND JUYEON IS HALF SMILING HALF UPSET THAT YOU’RE STILL SAD BUT LIKE IT’S FINE IT’S TOTALLY FINE AND somehow you manage not to ruin kevin’s latest fashion creation (which makes juyeon look unfairly handsome even through your puffy eyes) and juyeon closes your laptop and takes you out to the convenience store (still dressed in his modeling outfit jfc) and over shitty ramen and alcohol (or water/juice/whatever if you don’t drink) you tell him about your crap week and juyeon commiserates and listens

at some point you ask him why he’s still wearing kevin’s clothes like?? surely you weren’t running around in them all day and juyeon just looks down and mumbles something and you’re like speak louder dude i can’t hear you and apparently he was in the middle of a session w kevin and kevin looked super stressed and worried and juyeon asked what was up and he told him about how you weren’t responding to anything and juyeon just. booked it the fuck out of there to find you and well now here you both are

and that. that just touches the FUCK out of you and wow you’re crying again bc of that and out of guilt for not talking to kevin or anyone and juyeon’s freaking out like oh my god please stop crying did i say something wrong and you’re just wiping your tears away with a napkin like no you doofus i’m sorry i made you worried it was just that shitty week and??? why did you sprint out of there IN KEVIN’S MODEL CLOTHES you gotta give those back??? and it looks like silk you know that’s going to be a bitch to clean

juyeon just pouts then and mumbles something under his breath and is like. it’s not more important than you.

which makes you reel bc that sounded a lot more like a confession than you’re really ready to process and juyeon seems to realize that at the same time and now you two are both just wide-eyed staring at each other and juyeon’s ears are going red and you’re still in shock and at some point you’re like... juyeon you stupid bastard say that again and he DOES and okay maybe you’re not dating by the end of the night but you sure are two weeks later when you ask him whether or not this is now a date and if he’s your boyfriend and juyeon spills coffee all over himself

(he mumbles yes as you’re wiping the coffee off his front though so it’s fine)

(it does not help that the coffee has now made the outline of his stomach visible)

anyway in general it’s a v cute and v sweet relationship :D juyeon is head over heels for you and you’re head over heels for him too and you’re not like the over the top sweet and gross couple you two like to keep it a little low-key but ofc that doesn’t stop kevin from banning you from fitting sessions w juyeon out of fear that you’ll like make out while juyeon’s wearing the modeling clothes but that’s just kevin being a little shit so it’s fine

juyeon manages to bring that silk shirt back to kevin in one clean piece

you manage not to die every time you go to one of juyeon’s dance recitals (even when he puts in a fake eyebrow piercing and you almost have a heart attack)

juyeon often likes to come into the lab for nothing other than to watch you work bc according to him its fascinating to watch you manipulate numbers and actually the lab is a v nice and quiet place to get things done when it’s mostly empty so you have a few study dates there

you go to juyeon’s dance practices sometimes when you have nothing better to do and get excited over showing him the physics of some of the dance moves and juyeon understands almost none of it but he’s beaming bc you’re so excited and animated while talking about it and the first time this happens is when you two have your first kiss. you ask juyeon if he was kissing you to shut you up and he says no i just thought you looked so happy that i had to kiss you

juyeon is a gentleman and you are like the sarcastic best friend turned lover but it really works out and yea there are a lot of people jealous that you managed to wrap juyeon around your finger but you’re also wrapped around his it’s v much a partnership where both of you rely on each other and yeah. it’s sweet. it’s lovely. juyeon hot but more important juyeon best boyfriend ever <3

and that’s how it goes.

If you enjoyed, please don’t forget to reblog and leave a comment to tell me what you thought! Thank you for reading and have a lovely day <3

(1 reblog = 1 prayer for kevin’s clothes let’s all pray that no tears stain his silk)

[mcdannomoment]

finale feelings

Okay, I have a ton of feelings about the finale, and now that I’ve had some time to think them through, I’ll write them. Please be kind, I’ve seen the series once only, I’m really tired, and I’m sure this was all said before.

Okay firstly let’s just put aside Catherine as a character in and of herself… that whole thing made no sense. Catherine never showed an inkling of having the sort of skills to decode anything, much less being one of only two people in the world who could decode a thing. That was silly and just an excuse to get her back on Steve’s radar. Not to mention that Catherine just never showed much interest in Steve. I’ll come back to Catherine later as she stands as an external prop for Steve’s character, but I think we can just leave it here that Catherine’s character, for herself, made 0 sense.

Let’s focus on Steve.

Steve broke my heart this episode. The worst part is that I don’t think what he did was actually OOC. Steve has a pretty long and uncomfortable history of putting his own needs over Danny’s, starting from when he first met him and forced him to be his partner. I get where Steve was coming from, but this whole army commander take what I need for the mission attitude is the whole problem. Consulting Danny even as a courtesy never entered Steve’s mind.

(more below cut)

Steve just does this with Danny continually throughout the series, like leaving him with a letter to run off chasing Shelburne. Again, he doesn’t bother even consulting Danny as a courtesy before he leaves. He has an objective, Danny doesn’t fit that objective except to keep his seat warm in 5-0. He honestly just never gives Danny even basic autonomy, from things like choosing his lunch for him right through to putting him in situations he’s not comfortable with. Sometimes Steve pushing Danny is definitely a good thing since Danny does get paralyzed by fear (the incident where Steve pushed Danny into jumping across the building gap springs to mind; if they hadn’t have done that they would have died) but sometimes it’s just more of Steve has an objective to achieve, and Danny is a means to achieve that objective (the skydiving incident).

I don’t mean to slam Steve’s character, and I’ve known quite a lot of people like this! They’re good people, they just need a lot more emotional development. Between the two of them I think Danny’s a lot more emotionally mature and empathetic, and they’re quite good for each other in many ways. But Steve is very selfish, in the sense that his focus is always on himself. What he wants, what his objective is, how the things around him make him feel. With where Steve’s head is at, I don’t think he fully and completely understands Danny as an individual human being with his own needs. Hell, he even bullies Danny into including him in his retirement plan and abandoning said retirement plan.

With Steve’s focus always within his own head, and the people around him established as tools he can use to achieve his own ends, I can really start to understand Steve’s severe control issues in season 10 in particular. His mother dying was what sealed his fate, really. I think it was really the first time a person close to Steve fully used their own initiative and choice to go against what Steve said, and Steve trying to force his mother to do what he wanted and become a controllable force in his self-directed life ended up getting her killed. And that screwed him up badly. I don’t think he fully processed his role in his mother’s death properly. He ends up dumping Danny, who is really the love of his life, saying he needs time for himself, that he’d spent a decade saving everyone else. In reality I think Steve is just spiralling from loss of control. He tries to regain some control by cutting out the more unpredictable variables: the other people in his life.

Then Danny gets kidnapped and tortured. This is obviously devastating for Steve, because Danny really is the love of his life. And Steve kind of loses it, but he loses it in a very interesting way. Steve gives up all control to Daiyu Mei. He doesn’t even entertain not letting her control the situation. Danny’s been in danger before, but Steve has never given up control so completely like this before.

Steve’s really broken by this. And it’s the hardest he’s ever taken Danny getting hurt. Because I think he’s less broken by Danny getting hurt as much as it is leftover trauma from his mother’s death and spiralling loss of control.

He winds up leaving Danny when Danny can hardly move and must have only just been released from the hospital, and isn’t that a dick move. He claims he’s going to “find himself” but I think he’s just running away from people in order to regain a sense of control. He can’t control other people. He couldn’t control Danny being taken or his mother making the choices she did in Mexico. If he’s alone, he can gain full control over the situation.

And Danny? Well, Steve sort of has him trapped. Danny can’t leave - he has a son, it’s implied Steve gave him his dog to look after and possibly his house, and while he’s injured Danny can’t go and get himself into dangerous situations that Steve feels the need to save him from. Danny sort of becomes an ornament in Steve’s home ready to welcome him when he comes back. Steve’s been on record several times being pretty aggressive about Danny staying in Hawaii, but he’s never shown remorse for leaving himself, and he doesn’t here.

I hate to characterise Danny as Steve’s “wife” but that’s the dynamic I get from them. You see it so often in married couples, particularly married couples where the husband has to travel for work, whether that’s military, mining, corporate, trucking, what have you. The husband has his goal, his life, and he sees his wife as someone to support that and make it happen. This is exactly what happened in my own family, as I had a travelling father. His need to fulfil himself drove him away again and again, and my mother, trapped where she was by children and the obligations her husband abandoned her to deal with, was left to clean up his mess. It’s what happens when the husband is selfish in the way Steve is - the emotionally more mature wife has to clean up the parts of his life he won’t deal with. In Steve’s case Danny is left with a bullet hole, a dog, a house full of ghosts, and a lot of mourning friends. Not to mention the kids Steve abandons. And there must be more too. Steve leaves a week after Danny is shot. That really doesn’t leave much time for Steve to get his affairs in order. I think he left Danny to clean up his emotional mess.

Minus the bullet hole, I’ve seen my mother go through very similar things. And it can destroy your sense of self. You end up living for the ghost of your husband as he pursues what he perceives as his destiny. It’s a really shitty thing but it’s so common. Every family I know with a travelling husband ended up like this.

Back to Catherine. As established Catherine as her own character makes no sense at all. But Catherine’s role in the finale as an extension of Steve’s character does make some sense. Steve is running away from his stable family, the love of his life, his role as a parent to Nahele, Grace, and Charlie - he’s running from all the progress he has made, because he is afraid of losing control the way he did when he lost his mother, and when Danny was taken from him. Catherine is safe. She’s Steve’s easy emotional release and fuck buddy. She’s familiar. And she’s basically Steve’s mother. A flaky CIA agent who always picks the job over Steve is far more familiar and therefore comforting to him than a stable family life with Danny. In his panic Steve runs from all the progress he has made back to Catherine.

It actually reminds me a lot of a wonderful fic I read, the love that you gave by Teeelsie. I never thought I’d read a cheating fic, let alone a McDanno cheating fic, because McDanno is my all time OTP, but this fic was highly recommended and wow, did it nail it. The fic is more about Steve’s internalised homophobia, but I think the way it relates to the show is in how Steve panics and goes back to the familiar. Back to Catherine. It’s a common thing just in life. It’s also extremely common for these travelling husbands that I think characterise Steve to be cheating on their wives, too. Now I’m just pretending Catherine wasn’t there, because it makes no sense for her to be there (jfc, she wasn’t a codebreaker and how did she know he would be on the plane anyway, and was she just sitting in transit in Honolulu waiting for Steve to get on the plane like a stalker) but I think there’s an element of “emotional cheating” to what Steve’s going through when he runs away from the emotional risk that is staying with Danny at the end.

So basically I don’t think Steve running off was OOC. I think it was very in character. What was so frustrating was that the story clearly isn’t over. Running away will not solve Steve’s many issues, and he really does need Danny - and Danny needs him. Steve desperately needs to learn to stop being so selfish and see Danny and the others as full and complete human beings with their own complex needs. It’s tough because Steve pushing Danny was very good for Danny in many respects, so I want to see them learn to thread that line where Danny doesn’t get treated like an emotional doormat, but he also isn’t allowed to just retreat to the safety of familiarity all the time either - he needs a little McGarrett magic in his life!

But after what Danny told Steve when they were stuck in the building collapse, it’s going to be hard for them after this. Danny doesn’t have to look at Steve and imagine him leaving him any longer. Danny now has the memory of it.

tl;dr Steve is a whacked out, certifiable control freak.

[closedafterdark]

jfc man when i asked for the saerom x trainer smut i was expecting you to pull up with a quick write. It was more than I could ask for thank you very much. Theres a not much fromis smuts so its always a great read. Anyways for the next promt: Jisun in a cafe mete-cute that turned steamy in the bathroom go (include titty fucking if possible pls and thank you)

A follow up to Saerom.

You looked outside the window, nervous.

The previous night’s rain droplets reflected as the bright sunlight hit it. Lots of people were enjoying a beautiful day with their loved ones.

Here you were, in an intimate cafe that was brightly lit and minimalist in feel. Only a handful of customers were inside, mainly people getting their morning started. You looked down at the giant leaf the rather cute barista made for you and sighed. Your parents have been pressuring you to get married, and so you agreed to go on a blind date if it meant they can’t interfere with your dream to be a professional photographer.

You knew nothing of this woman, only that she was a few years younger and the daughter of your father’s friend. 

You dressed up, but thought it was overkill as you sat in the cafe. You spent the previous night debating all possible color combinations for your outfit. In the end you decided on: a shirt that you ironed longer than you should’ve to make sure not a single wrinkle was formed, a skinny black tie, black skinny slacks that were a bit too short on you and freshly shined black shoes. One would assume you were going to a funeral or were some sort of bodyguard. All that planning just for you to return to a color you always wore. You looked at your watch, the woman was almost ten minutes late. Taking a glance around the cafe, you see a table of several women stealing glances at you and whispering to each other.

Just then, the door opens and a woman runs inside. The sounds of her heels rang through the cafe floor as she hurriedly runs to your table.

“Ahh you’re my blind date, right?” she said, panting heavily.

“I think so?” you asked, a bit doubtful.

“I’m so sorry, I got so caught up getting ready I didn’t realize what time it was” she said, sitting down across from you.

“It’s fine, I haven’t been here for long anyways” you replied.

“Since I know who you are, I’ll introduce myself. My name is Noh Jisun” she said.

“Yes, my father’s told me you’re his friend’s daughter” you said, bowing.

“My parents are trying to marry me off since I told them I don’t want to be chef and want to be a singer instead” Jisun explained.

“I understand. Parents want what’s best for their kids and sometimes that means they make us do things we’re uncomfortable doing. Mine are the same, actually” you said.

“Hello, ma’am. Would you like anything to drink?” the waitress said to Jisun.

“A cup of red bean tea, please”

“Right away, ma’am”

“Not too many people are into red bean tea” you said when the waitress left.

“An older friend introduced me to it. It helps a lot since my face gets pretty bloated when I wake up”

Jisun picked up the cup of hot liquid and drank it. You watched as it flowed down her throat, causing her to hum in satisfaction. A little bit dropped onto her black long sleeved top, causing her to get a napkin and wipe it.

"This place makes it pretty good" she said.

"So, tell me about yourself" Jisun said as she fixed her top.

"I'm here against my will because my parents don't approve of me being a photographer"

"Well. I see then. Straight to the point" Jisun said, giggling.

You couldn’t help but admire Jisun’s long sleeved top that showed off her fair toned shoulders and impressive chest. She caught you staring at something before looking down and smiling.

“I take it you’ve noticed my breasts?” she said in a naughty tone, squeezing them.

“I didn’t... uh”

“It’s fine. Most guys usually stare at them or my thighs. Why don’t we go somewhere more... private?”

You placed enough money to cover the two drinks and a bit extra as you grabbed Jisun’s wrist and dragged her away. Her heels rang through the floor as other customers watched you two.

The spacious interior was rather easy to maneuver as you held her hand and led her to a wooden door that was clearly labeled “Men’s”. You didn’t bother checking if there were other people occupying the stalls before you began kissing Jisun’s neck, causing her to moan as you form a trail onto her shoulders.

“I wasn’t late because I overslept. I... ah... was late b-because I was touching myself. My father sent me your photo and I couldn’t resist” Jisun whispered in your ear.

“I wish I was made aware that you have such a nice rack” you said as you pulled down her top and exposed her marvelous breasts, which were extremely soft and round. You wanted to do nothing else other than bury your face and cock between them.

Your fingers squeezed Jisun’s pretty nipples, making her moan once again as you felt them hardening. As you began fondling her breasts, Jisun’s erotic moans and her licking your ear was making you even more turned on at the fact that you two were still in a public place. Her breasts were rather heavy, but still extremely soft to the touch. You licked her cleavage, tracing your lips all over her chest. The faint smell of vanilla lotion lingered through your nose as you inhaled her wonderful aroma.

You spread Jisun’s legs open, unsurprised to find her not wearing any underwear.

“I knew you were going to fuck me so I decided not to wear any. Not like I do regardless” she said, lightly biting your neck.

Your hands roamed the inner creases of her thighs until they found their way to her folds. You ran one finger tip up and down, causing Jisun to slowly leak onto your finger.

“You’re such a bad slut, aren’t you?”

“Y-Yes” she smiled, before your hand went up her thighs and stopped before they reached her pussy. Jisun was beginning to get desperate, wanting you to stick your finger inside her already.

She tried holding your hand in place by closing her thighs, but you slapped them softly and prevented her from doing so.

“Bad girls don’t get to close their legs” you said.

Your hands returned in between her legs, inserting one finger after another as Jisun’s moans began to increase in volume. She tried moving her body up and down your fingers, but you held her wide hips and shook your head. You pumped them as slowly as possible in order to keep her wanting more.

This went on for several minutes until you surprised her by pumping faster inside her. Jisun’s tight walls surrounded your fingers as her moans came out in staggered breaths. You hoped there was no one else inside the stalls or outside the door as she did a terrible job of keeping a secret.

The sounds of your fingers being coated by Jisun’s juices as they fucked her echoed throughout the restroom. Her moans increased as you felt your fingers being drenched. Every thrust stained her thighs as she begged you for more.

Her juices leaked all over your hand as you used your free hand to rub her clit. Jisun was close, as she looked at you with desire in her eyes. You knew she wanted to cum.

That would’ve been the case, if she was in control. As her body squirmed and was about to reach a euphoric high, you pulled out your fingers as Jisun’s moans filled your ears.

“I was going to cum!” she whined, trying to catch her breath.

“Bad girls deserve to be teased” you said, squeezing both of her ass cheeks softly.

“But I wanted to cum...” she whimpered.

“That depends on how well you suck my cock” you said, taking off your cardigan and placing it in front of you. Jisun smiled as she knelt in front of you and began to unzip your slacks. With one swift motion, she lowered them and your boxers, freeing your extremely hard erection from its cloth prison.

Jisun smiled widely as she eyed your cock. She licked her lips, salivating at the thought of what she wanted to do first. Her hand gripped your shaft and began to stroke while simultaneously licking your tip.

“You’re so hard” she said as she planted several wet kisses on your tip while stroking your cock.

“Only have you to blame” you said, smiling.

Jisun kisses your tip once more before holding your shaft and licking downwards until she reaches your balls, swirling her tongue around before she takes each in her mouth. You moaned as you felt your balls coated in her saliva as she released them with a loud pop.

Jisun licked every surface possible, leaving trails of saliva behind. Her soft lips wrapped themselves around your cock, causing you to moan. Jisun sucked you hard, taking you all the down to your base before coming back out.

“That’s a good girl” you moaned as you ran your fingers through Jisun’s brown hair, placing a hand behind her head and guiding the rhythm at which she bobbed up and down on your cock.

Jisun continued sucking your cock as you held onto her hair.

“You’re so yummy” she said as her saliva slowly dropped down your length.

Jisun’s blowjob was very wet and sloppy, spreading her wetness everywhere.

You’re so hard... it feels so good...” she said, slowly stroking you.

K-Keep sucking, please” you moaned, feeling your body tingle.

“Of course... master” Jisun said in a seductive tone as she shoved your cock back in her mouth, rubbing it across the surface of her tongue repeatedly. You could do nothing but moan, it was as if you were under Jisun’s spell as she gave you the most incredible blowjob of your life.

“You feel so good in my mouth” she managed to say while slurping on your cock.

Jisun swirled her tongue around your head rapidly. “I haven’t had cock this good in awhile”

“Do you want me to do this?” she asked as you see saliva spilling out of her mouth as her face has now become flushed. Jisun squeezes her tits before wrapping them around your cock.

“Oh my god...” you moaned in awe.

Jisun moved her breasts up and down, watching your facial expressions as they squeezed your cock. They were so soft and jiggled each time they bounced up and down in front of you.

“Oh fuck... you feel so good between my tits” she cried, as she closed her eyes and moaned. The sounds being made felt almost as good as the sensation of Jisun’s tits sandwiching your cock: her tits splashing as she used your saliva laced cock, her soft, sweet moans, and the quietness of the restroom. Your resistance to cum was slowly fading, Jisun’s tits and mouth were doing a number on you. She started licking the tip of your cock in a circular motion as her breasts thoroughly massaged you.

Jisun regretfully let go and slowly began to massage your balls using her tongue, coating them with another layer of saliva as she gently sucked on each individually.

“Come stand up so I can fuck you” you said, pulling on her hair.

As Jisun tried to get up, her legs were shaking. She didn’t have the strength to stand, causing her to fall back onto her knees.

“Such a shame. Being a bad girl and not listening to an order from your master” you said as you stuffed your cock back inside Jisun’s pretty mouth. She did her best to hold onto your thighs for balance as you began.

“Mmph! Mmhmmhph!”

Jisun’s moans were muffled as she tried to withdraw her head from your cock; but you stood firm, holding her still. You felt the back of her throat as she continued to take your cock for quite a long time.

“Hmmph!” one last moan from Jisun as she tapped your thighs repeatedly was enough for you to withdraw her head.

Jisun started coughing loudly, saliva dripping onto the floor as she struggled to catch her breath.

“Oh my god...” she said, while still coughing. “Oh my god...”

“Are you okay?” you asked, holding onto your cock while pressing it against her soft cheeks. You watched as your saliva spread onto her face as she Jisun closed her eyes and nuzzled against it.

“Yes, master” she said weakly. “I love your cock... please give me more”

You jammed your cock inside her again, pushing it against the sides of her mouth. Her tongue ran against the underside of your shaft as you began to roughly fuck her mouth. You wrapped her hair around your hand as her mouth bobbed up and down. The splashing sounds of her saliva and erotic moans felt amazing throughout your body.

“Mhmph! Mmmphmh!”

Jisun continued to gargle on your cock as you pushed her head down again. You forced her in place as she looked at you with extremely submissive eyes. She showed no signs of struggling, quietly taking the pounding your cock was giving her. You felt the back of her throat squeezing you until she slowly gagged.

Her eyes began to water, pleading for you to release your grip. You didn’t, wanting to punish Jisun for being a bad girl. But when you felt she’s finally had enough, you pulled on her hair. Jisun violently coughs once more as saliva rushed out of her mouth and left a large trail on your cock.

“I hope I wasn’t too rough” you said to Jisun, genuinely concerned about her.

Without warning, Jisun dives back onto your cock. The beautiful woman between your legs works magic with her mouth. Every movement of your shaft from her lips sends pleasure throughout your body. You look down and see a mess of brown hair as Jisun’s head bobs up and down.

Trying to keep the pleasure from overwhelming you, you do your best to savor it and relish in the fact that your beautiful blind date was on her knees in a very clean cafe restroom giving you one of the best blowjobs you’ve ever received.

“Jisun... that feels so good. Fuck, I’m about to cum” you said, knowing full well that’s what you’ve wanted to do the whole time.

Jisun bobs her head even faster as a response, starting at your tip and taking every inch until she reaches the base of your shaft. Her lips are wrapped tightly as her tongue is flattened and presses against your underside. Her gaze never leaves your own, as if begging you to finally erupt.

You closed your eyes, afraid staring at Jisun sucking your cock for too long would make you cum right away. You tried to prolong the euphoric feeling as much as you could. Jisun continued to work between your legs, her hands massaging your balls as her wet tongue glided across the underside of your head.

“Fuck... Jisun, I’m about to cum”

Jisun bobs her head up and down your shaft, as your orgasm finally arrives. You feel it from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. Your hands immediately grip the back of Jisun’s head as your cock erupts. You send hot, thick semen down the woman’s mouth and throat.

Your body shivers slightly as you hold her head in place. Jisun’s mouth is wrapped tightly around your shaft as you continue to drain your balls inside her. As your orgasm begins to wind down, Jisun feels your grip on the back of her head begin to weaken. She lifts her head from between your legs, releasing your tip with a loud pop. As you open your eyes, you see Jisun stare at you. She opens her mouth, revealing her tongue and mouth painted with your cum.

Her gaze is dangerously erotic as she closes her mouth and swallows your load in two gulps. She tilts her head back to put on a show for you as you watch her throat pulse with your semen being pushed down. Opening her mouth once more and humming in satisfaction, she sticks her bright pink tongue at you, letting you see she has swallowed it all. Kissing your tip several more times to consume the last few trickles of cum, she giggles as you lean against the sink, exhausted.

“You tasted so good, master”

Just then the door opened, causing both of you to look at who entered.

“Did my oppa satisfy you?”

“He did, Saerom unnie. That’s not fair you’ve kept him away from us! Nakyung and Gyuri would love swallowing his cum” Jisun said, wiping her mouth.

“Why would I share him with you whores? He’s my boyfriend. I only let you use him since I felt bad you haven’t gotten laid in months” Saerom said, untying her apron as she crossed her arms.

“Hmph, whatever. And he wasn’t able to fuck me, so I still have another chance with him!”

“As if! I only gave you one chance, it’s not my fault you couldn’t stand when he told you he was going to fuck you”

Jisun pouted, stroking your cock softly.

“You’ll fuck me next time, right?”

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

[gladiatortale]

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS! 

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019  The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments: 

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No.  Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020  Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin​ -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I��m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane  Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein​ -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully, 

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in. 

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain. 

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies​, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel​ sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING! 

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

[sheep-sorbet]

These are... a lot I’m so sorry I just have a lot of feelings

-I think Zexion and Xemnas acting like siblings is absolutely hilarious. Xem is serious superior man until the rest of the org leaves and then he tries to gently bludgeon Zex because the bastard threw a book at his head earlier

-Zexion was the only one not afraid of Larxene who had her grudging respect-He can shoot a gun. He was raised by Braig.

-He can use a sword. He was raised by Dilan.-Ever since he was little, he was fascinated by weird creatures and would bring them home. Even drew the line at the giant snake (he hated the spiders equally though). He still does this at 20-something only now the warriors of light are in on it and they’ll occasionally bring him even weirder things

-no he doesn’t experiment on them he just thinks they’re Neat

-Zexion occasionally comes out in Ienzo’s personality, usually when he’s mad at one of the apprentices. He’s very petty.

-Even as Ienzo, he can be really unsettling sometimes. He can just kinda... snap to being happy and pleasant at a moments notice and his smile never wavers... he moves like a predator even if he does his best to mask it. And yet he’s still really easy to let your guard down around

-he was raised in an emotionless cult and it shows. He’s just... off. And absolutely despises showing ANY weakness (I mean, he was the smallest, physically weakest, youngest member in the org practically his whole life). He will walk on a broken leg without giving anything away and it’s driving the apprentices insane

-He is the apprentice’s secretary at this point. Everyone always go to him when they need something because the others are... themselves

-he doesn’t put up with any of the apprentices bs. If one of them is being rude, he will absolutely grab them by the ear and drag them off, size difference be damned

And finally, consider: Ienzo accidentally adopting a bunch of gremlins (Vanitas, Repliku & 3ku). By that I mean they follow him around everywhere and hiss at people and Ienzo’s just like “yeah they’re not socialized yet but I’m working on it :)” and 3ku bites his arm

DO NOT APOLOGIZE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR :D 💙

-i never considered the idea that they'd act like siblings; i personally always thought ienzo (or ig zexion, at the time) would have.... secretly harbored a grudge, now that i think about it. he remained as close as possible to xemnas, both because he wanted to keep an eye on his actions, but perhaps also because a part of him truly believed in what xemnas was doing, reaching for. after all, he was the only one freaked out when the org13 members started killing each other - it must have been jarring because at that point, that was the closest thing he had to a family. he wasn't close to everyone, and certainly not as a nobody- but he WAS manipulated by xemnas, and i feel like once things started going bad, the rose-colored glasses came off, so to speak, and he probably realized just how badly he'd been deceived. of course, that was only the beginning, too ;_;)

-yeah, there's no way he was afraid of larxene. annoyed by her attitude and upset with her eventual betrayal/plan to overthrow the organization, but never scared of her. in fact, i'd argue ienzo wasn't scared of anybody in the organization until vexen was assassinated.

-either he CAN use normal weapons like guns and swords and just chose to use a fucking book instead, OR he can't use any traditional weapons and got a book as consolation. i can't tell what's funnier honestly

- WEIRD 👏 KID 👏 IENZO 👏 yessss. i love the idea that he'd sneak off for however long and by the time anyone noticed he'd gone missing they'd find him on his way back with some sort of fucking creature. and now that i think about it, that would explain why he didn't seem to be afraid of the heartless at all in BBS- at that point he'd likely not seen one yet, and must simply have thought it was another fun creature to put in a box and watch SHSJHAHAJS

-hm, i personally think it's less like zexion "comes out" in his personality, and more that they're the same person, and that any habits he formed as zexion were/are hard to shake. if you play/watch in japanese, you see he's actually rather polite, even as a nobody; and is VERY good at hiding snark behind faux politeness.

-HDMSNMSFNNSNDG "sorry even i'd love to help you, unfortunately i'm in a call with sora right now because SOMEBODY WOULDN'T ANSWER HIS PHONE"

-i personally see it less as him being unsettling, and more like it's just very blatant that he spent his entire adolescence being gaslit to believing he couldn't feel anything and is now learning how to deal with emotions for...... the first time in his life, cuz he wasn't exactly expressive as a kid, either. his emotions, when he's able to stop dissociating for 5 seconds, are probably all over the place. i agree with you tho that he can put up a mask like it's nothing- but others would probably find that more concerning than scary.

-idrk what you mean by "moves like a predator"- he's analytical for sure, and hyper-aware of his surroundings most times, and that may be unsettling for other at times. deep down the other apprentices + ansem know it's a trauma response, and probably blame themselves for it. especially now that he knows that literally ALL of the people closest to him lied, tricked him and used him, for basically his entire life..... trusting, being comfortable, is hard for him. but he tries his best, and deptite his inherent pettiness, almost disallowes himself to be upset by it or hold it against them. he struggles a lot with guilt and he knows the rest of them do, too. he doesn't understand that it's okay to be in pain, and feels just as responsible as he feels they were- so it provably feels, to him, that if he were to deny them forgiveness or even allow himself doubt, then he'd be a hypocrite for wanting that same forgiveness. i can personally see lea making some sort of fuss about the way ienzo was treated as a kid and ienzo to actually be the one to tell him to shut it. but..... more on that later ¬w¬

-it took me a moment to remember who tf 3ku is and jfc there as so many rikus so fucking many. so many. but also he'd be an awful babysitter and they'd all love him for it GNDMDNF

[percontaion-points]

Covet chapters 20-23

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Chapter 20

…as I pull up a bunch of information on the ethics of Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle. Ms. Virago assigned the philosophers—and apparently she’s got a thing for the ancient Greeks…

Wow, it’s almost like a bunch of philosophers are from ancient Greece or something. How weird it is that you’re studying philosophy and you’re forced to cover Plato. 

Instead, it’s Jaxon. And he answered my joke.

Chapter 20 summary: The rest of the day is glossed over, and Grace heads towards the library to work on that philosophy assignment. As she’s going, she runs into… *checks notes* random background character whose name doesn’t fucking matter. Anyway, he randomly tells Grace that Jaxon loves her. When Grace questions Jaxon’s love, he says that Jaxon is simply hurt, and lashing out. Which doesn’t somehow excuse literally anything. Especially not his shit behavior before the bond was broken. 

Anyway, she goes to the library, where she meets up with Hudson. As they’re working, he randomly says that nobody has ever asked him how he’s doing and really meant it. He then gets into this really long tangent about not wanting other people’s pity. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here like “We’re literally 1/8th of the way through this shitshow. Can you maybe sum up his whining to half a page per chapter? Thanks.” 

Chapter 21

“Maybe if you spent less time with Hudson, you’d have a clue what’s going on with somebody, anybody, else.” 

You know, for a guy who fucking broke up with her, he sure does have a lot of opinions about how she spends her free time. 

“You really should just let this go, Grace. Let me go.” 

Considering that his own shit attitude and the bloodletter are the reason why both of them are in this situation to begin with, the least Jaxon can do is to go back to the bloodletter with Grace one last time. 

JFC this guy is really trying to win “asshole of the year” here.

As I head back down the stairs and to my room, I can’t help a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was the last time Jaxon will ever look at me that way again—like I matter to him. Or worse, like anything does.

Chapter 21 summary: Grace texts Jaxon back and forth with bad jokes and puns for a moment before she asks to talk to him. He agrees, and tells her to come to his tower. Grace is completely and utterly floored when she gets up there, to find the room completely gutted, and every spark of Jaxon’s personality missing. 

Jaxon comes out, and the two of them start to get at each other’s throats. Jaxon plays the “shitty, jealous ex-boyfriend” role a little too well, if you ask me. Grace tells him that she and Hudson are going to the bloodletter tomorrow to ask her to break the mating bond, and she wants him there. He refuses, stating that it’s time to let him go. 

He goes on and says that he’s going back to the court, to try and figure out specifically what his shitfuck dad is planning. And he knows that it involves Grace, so she should simply let him go and figure it out. She tells him to be careful as he leaves. 

Chapter 22

“Absolutely nothing,” I shoot back, then reach deep inside myself and grab my platinum string.

Chapter 22 summary: The next morning, Grace wakes up and randomly studies a map of the Alaskan wilderness. Despite the fact that she has no fucking idea where she’s going. 

Hudson shows up, and asks when they’ll be meeting Jaxon. He then gets insanely worked up upon finding out what his brother will be doing, but only because he doesn’t think Jaxon has enough IQ points to rub together. That their father will literally murder him, simply because Jaxon was in the way. 

Hudson finally says that he’s got the coordinates and a physical map, so they should be good to go. 

Chapter 23

I scream as something broadsides me out of nowhere and sends me spinning straight toward the ground.

Chapter 23 summary: Since Grace can fly now, she decides to actually fly. Which despite the length of the journey, probably would be more comfortable for her rather than to let her be carried by Hudson for hours. 

She’s flying near the Denali national park when something strikes her and she’s forced to land. 

[friiday-thirteenth]

right right right c a m p

ok. ok so it was very long and I'm unbelievably tired but also my head says write it down so uh

day one- five hour bus ride. it was fun, bc the person I was sitting beside slept the whole time and I got to joke around with the guys, who were surprisingly chill. they only brought up p*rn once, which is like.... good for them all things considered lmao

then we had the tramp in. the campsite where we were staying at the first night was the farthest from base, and one group biked in while the other tramped.

my groups tramp took s i x h o u r s. no other groups went over five. we had to keep stopping bc a) one kid was feeling sick, b) one kid rolled her ankle and c) we weren't allowed to sprint off into the Bush and potentially die without an instructor with us.

so there were like, four of us who were constantly at the front, and they were: me, my crush, my crushes best friend, bitch-who-bullied-me.

twas interesting.

we got the campsite in the dark, after a river crossing in which my socks got soaked, as did my shoes, and the tents and food were already sorted for us so that was great. food was shit, though. mince that was half brown water and cold pasta.kept us going, though, and as became my motto throughout camp, food is food.

that night was the only time I cried. kinda sad, tbh, but it was bc on the 'girls' side (as we all know that if the boys and girls tents were together, absolutely everyone would just be going at it, of course (jfc they have a low opinion of year tens (we sorta deserve it though, stuff happened with last years year tens...))) everyone else was paired up and even the people in three person tents didnt want me in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰 really felt the love there, guys.... jokes on them I slept by myself each night and was ready within five minutes each morning. actually really glad they showed how much they didnt care abt me bc it was really nice being alone in the wilderness, and that's not sarcasm.

anyway. day two.

woke up, was ready within ten minutes bc I woke with the leaders, who wake ten minutes before we're meant to and get themselves and breakfast ready before we're up. (I'm really fast at waking up, but take ages to go to sleep. like, everyone has to stfu before my body's able to start shutting down, and as soon as there's people moving around I'm up like a shot.)

anyway. I had eaten breakfast and was washing up before anyone else came out. next kid out was my crush, and we bitched about people taking forever for a while, which was fun.

then we waited for ages for everyone else to get sorted out, blah blah blah, and we had the bike ride back. 11.5 kilometers, I think,mostly downhill for us.

it was fun! I'm not a brilliant biker, but I kept near the middle-front of the group, and i just. let go of the brakes going downhill. and these hills were bloody steep and gravelly, plus the dips and river crossings.

I didnt fall off the bike, but one kid did lmao. there was this sharp turn before a metal gate, and He saw the gate and started pulling kn the brakes, but he hit the front brakes and just. flipped. the bike crashed into me and he went to the ground.

it was funny in the afterwards, but the kid got rather grazed lmao. he's not dead though, so that's good.

we were at the campsite that was, in my opinion, the coldest that night. also I slept in a three person instead of a two person, and by myself that meant more body heat was going into the tent. brrr. but we also did the nightline activity(hold onto a rope and follow it through the dark forest while blindfolded and with a helmet on. highly recommend it. go do it with friends u trust lmao)

I was behind this slow kid and he tripped at one point so I just. went ahead of him. then I spent around half an hour walking through the dark by myself (I walked into five trees. each time I took a step back, glared at it through the blindfold fifty five seconds and then continued around it with a muttered bitch. I'm nothing if not dramatic.) before I crashed into my crush hehe. it was near the end and we just got to the end at the same time, where two others already were. it was chill, we talked for a while. bullied people who were going through it by whacking trees they were near with sticks and shaking the line as they tried to use it. (we were allowed to, dw)

the next day, we went canyoning and holy frick frack fuckedy fuck fuck, that was c o l d. freezing. I jumped into the water and nearly died (exaggerated) but my crush jumped through a fricken waterfall and couldnt feel his hands or feet for ten minutes. another kid was walking funny bc he'd waited in the water for five minutes, and this shit was cold enough that we were wearing wet suits and thermals.

once we were dry and dressed (we got to have showers. h e a v e n (I only took 10 seconds bc like, why tf would you need a longer one? people took fifteen minutes, like wtf)) we went rock climbing! which was brilliant, honestly. I liked the belaying more (I've got this thing where I prefer people trust me than me trusting them, hmmm I wonder why) but also climbed the hardest one! it was really fun, and I only fell like fourteen time at one point (lmao,the rope caught me each time but I looked like a fuvking idiot hehe)

then we slept at a campsite which had a fire kn the beach!! if was so much fun. we also did a solo, which involved us sitting in the wild for twenty minutes and reflecting upon camp. I lay on the ground and stared at the moon. it was lovely and peaceful, until two kids started talking.

side note, guys voices are lovely and deep and rumbly and very nice (in general) but girls are generally higher pitched and ugh, it can be v e r y bloody annoying when ur trying to contemplate life.

possums visited camp that night. woke up in the middle of it to a possum crashing into the side if my tent, and I just. stopped breathing for a minute while I listened to it. a possum growling sounds terrifying. look it up!

also heard cows that night. cows are good.

day four, we abseiled. holy s h i t, it was fun. just... sitting there and watching the river and and rock and dangling in midair.... god, I loved it.

then we went to the high ropes course. this was b r i l l i a n t. we'd done low ropes st some point, but high ropes involved more belaying, which involved, and then at one point, we did a thing called the leap of faith, which was around eight meters high and you climbed to the top of this cylinder of wood before jumping for a trapeze. I knew I wouldn't get it, so I jumped on two when they counted down for me, and I missed lmao. but it was bloody brilliant.

then we had to do a whole shitton of cleanup,which they don't normally get groups to do, but we were s p e c i a l (as in our school gets to clean things we dont even use, sigh) before camping one last night. I had go share with someone, it was gell, packed up at least four tents in the morning bc I was very good at that for some reason,before we hot back to camp and went to the bus and oh, that was brilliant.

I finished my book, chatted with the guys, chatted with my crush for .5 of a second, had that thkng happen where people see you talking to a guy and are like ooOOooohhHHHHHhhh they're dAtiNG bc we're all stupid year tens and it was fucking hilarious (I've never dated anyone, so peopke bloody obsess over pairing me up with someone and I'm just like??? fuckers I'ma child how abt no (sidenote there was a couple on camp and they were cute but uh. year ten relationships dont really last, according to my year 13 camp leader (she was chill af, and basically showed me a whole new perspective on being friends with guys and so in conclusion she's bloody brilliant))) anyway they came up with a ship name for me and the guy and I nearly pissed myself laughing bc its best to laugh along with it and it was really funny tbh

anyway. we also for some reason talked abt sex and porn a lot and it was weird but also kinda chill bc most of the boys are relatively respectful of the girls,in the sense that we all make dirty jokes to each other but don't cross the line, so it was pretty funny and chill. also guys apparently never stop making dick jokes and that type of shit and it was kinda funny tbh

then we got home, grabbed our shit, and legged it away from there.

now I'm gonna rant abt my crush hehe

he was like, oh who's this? when we were walking to dinner in the dark one night (I was in front of him and his friend and he couldn't see my face) and then fucking knew who I was from the way that I walked like mate, why tf do you know how i walk and how to describe it, hmm?

I flipped him off after he said that though it was fucking funny

also!! he just. stared at my eyes and was like, are your eyes different colors? and I was like yeah. and he just nodded slowly and we maintained eye contact for a while. twas weird.

we have staring contests a lot too?? like, he'll look at me or I'll look at him and then at one point he was like, you just stare at people and then tilt ur head, dont you! and I was like wtf dude,but also I kept eye contact bc its a Thing.

also on the bus ride home he just mimicked my facial expressions and it was really bloody funny and j broke out laughed and he smiled

yeah basically I'm hopelessly crushing on him bc he's smart and sarcastic but it never gonna happen so I just wanna be friends type thing. sigh.

ANYWAY. camp was kinda great, at some points it left me feeling like I was so bloody alone and also I felt really shitty mentally but I kept going and i really enjoyed it! yeah! also i nearly cried when i said goodbye to my instructors bc they were brilliant and I'm gonna miss them so bloody much, I'm sad I'll never see them again.

yeah.