#i spent my break trying to find it

[rosieuv]

College started

I had to wake up at 6:30 for the first time in like 2 months and dug up my blazer jacket that I bought for prom and paired it with a white summer shirt, a yellow hoodie, light grey jeans and a tie I nicked from my dad and had to watch a youtube video just to figure out how to tie it. I don't know why the blazer looks grey and crumpled in the photo, in real life it's turquoise and has less noticeable creases in it. Mum now sees what I mean when I say that hoodies, ties and blazers go well together. God it got hot while walking though but it was worth it in the name of style.

I also had a packed lunch for the first time as keyboard lessons were more expensive due to them being twice as long so buying hot lunches was chucked out of the budget. I made a cheese bagel sandwich with mozzarella slices and packed it in a bag with a little pancake, 4 crackers, a little brownie and a banana that I didn't eat because it had been waiting for so long that it was going brown. I didn't think about how all the food would sit so everything that wasn't in the sandwich bag (the sandwich) had a faint taste of banana. I also bought a packet of crisps at the college's cafe as I was still a bit hungry afterwards so maybe I should figure that out.

I walked 20 minutes and across a roundabout to reach my new bus stop and a new bus came every 15 minutes so I didn't bother mesmerising the timetable. Luckily I live quite close so the journey only took like 35 minutes and I was an hour early and didn't know what to do. Very few students were there and I was mostly looking for the library so I could vibe until I had A-Level Music. After a google search I found the building but turns out it's being moved to some other building (there's like 8 buildings across 2 sides of a road and it resembles a uni campus) so I just drew in the study centre by myself for about half an hour. Someone I knew (kinda) from my old school came up to me to say hello. I walked over to the building with music in but ended up a couple minutes late as I was washing my hands when the bell went off and I though "oh it's the warning bell" when no, no it wasn't. The teacher didn't seem to care considering it's the first day.

The lessons are so much longer here. So long that in the middle there was a 15 minute break. I didn't really have anywhere better to be so I remained in the classroom drawing. There seems to be a lot of emphasis on performance but I kinda suck at preforming. At least A-Level also has composition. I had to leave in the last half hour though to go to an orthodontist appointment and I left when they were talking about intervals and intervals are cool and now I have to do catch up work just because my teeth jewellery needed tightening.

I ate my lunch at a table all by myself in the student commons room and I don't know if all the groups already knew each other or if this was a case of extroverts having good social skills, but almost everyone was sitting in a group. One of the teachers talked to me when I was eating my bagel. Nothing deep just general new school small talk. He said I'll find new friends due to the way classes are structured around A-levels, which you choose yourself so there's a common interest, but tbh I'm probably just going to be known as that weird quiet kid that knows way too much on video game consoles. I don't mind not having any friends my entire time there, but when you've been stuck in an all girls private school since you were a toddler to now, it shelters you and I want to not be that as I'll have one hell of a shock once I enter the real world and/or act like a snob unintentionally. Eh, whatever. I bought the aforementioned crisps in beef flavoured and it was mostly air dammit. I then did my music homework in one of the practice rooms so I could test the musical dictation on the piano. I then just started playing whatever and some girl hovered around my door so I let her in and apparently she could hear me blasting my music because I have no dynamic control on a piano and she said that she really liked it. Then my music teacher appeared and I said I was doing my homework, and then they both left. Someone was playing some ballad piano song (I assume it's the girl as it sounds like it's coming from the other room) which would occasionally change to fur elise. Then I still had some time left but I was bored so after asking a history teacher for directions on where the mac lab is, I went into Music Technology like 10 minutes early and was just fiddling with the mac until everyone else came in. (Music tech is a BTEC which is a different exam board and is more DAW stuff while Music A-Level is performance and theory. I was supposed to be doing Computer Science but I fucked up my exam because OCR sucks the devil's ass while marking so I didn't have the qualifications so the careers people suggested music tech as the 3rd subject and oh god I'm so thankful as I'm certain my college uses OCR for it's A Levels and I would rip my wrists open and develop a caffeine addiction if I had to deal with OCR again).

The actual lesson was interesting but I was the only one putting my hand up most of the time and also I've already used a DAW before (LMMS) so I picked up on how to use Logic Pro quicker than the others (I think, idk I was sitting by myself on an empty row) but Logic Pro has cool sounds that I want in a soundfont, but is full of little things that makes it a bit annoying. And mac. Mac OS is annoying. I wasn't really following the instructions and was mostly doing my own thing in Logic Pro. Use this plugin to automatically augment a bassline? Nah I'm going to keep pressing keys with this acoustic bass sound until I get a cool bassline. I stayed for half an hour afterwards to finish the song as it was cool and this is what I did:

There was also theory stuff too. In groups we had to type out a list of places you find music and I just ignored the people in my group and wrote my own list. Also music kept randomly playing and the teacher couldn't figure out where it was coming from so I listed "the poltergeist from the mac lab" as one place music comes from. After that I took the bus home and now I'm going to watch the 2nd Deadpool film because I'm tired and don't feel like doing anything but sit in my chair and morph into it.

[xandrikart]

The most beautiful thing about Drawtectives is that you can choose any combination and you will be right. But no way I'm ignoring a beautiful garb next to York.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[inspiteofganon]

(with cheek in my hand) I truly am tempted to post my LoZ art HERE on tumblr but I am still oh so bitter about the fall of Cohost and the lack of art archive-capable websites with lax enough content guidelines that can stand the test of time... not to mention my general sulkiness over how interaction-with-art-and-artists-on-social-media (especially the "lack thereof") has become shaped in the past decade and a half...

Would also like to try roleplaying more, even in private, but seeking people out is ah, DIFFICULT AND UNPREDICTABLE, and I always am wary of coming across as too cruel to a partner when playing a villain...

[blackfemmejeanvaljean]

my one lunch break is my one break and this is the coworker that was "helping" me in my class yesterday. And by help I mean she sat and a chair and left me to do everything by myself

[widevibratobitch]

omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

[guinevereslancelot]

my fancyyy snowdrops came today 😊❤️

[juniestar]

Chappell Roan give your social passwords to someone else NEOWWWWW

[neon-danger]

call me crazy but I don’t hate the umbrella academy season 4

[shirogane-oushirou]

[cw vent: chronic illness, general world politics mention w no detail)

"man. i'm so tired. i feel like i can't do anything selfship related. is it because my energy's been sapped from family visiting and everyone wanting to do ~summer activities~ nonstop? am i so in my head about "getting ren's story right without stepping over any lines" that i've backed myself into a perfectionist corner? is the world just going to shit so hard that i can't have one (1) minute of escape on this blog before going back to working through the political hellscape we're in? god even trying to make this plushie pattern is killing me even though i want to hold my guy So Badly AUGH."

/finishes the plushie pattern after trying multiple body bases and literally buying a japanese ebook about plushie face and hair design/

"actually what if i lived forever and spent all of that time making an army of these fuckers to swim in? what then?"

[spikeisawesome456]

.

[thyandrawrites]

I know you’re super bummed right now but know I still enjoy reading your takes more than reading the actual manga. You’re very insightful and out so much depth into your writing and how it speaks meta-textually, I wish I had a talent like yours. You’re amazing, deal with it.

I'm bad at answering to kindness but! I'm working on it :')

It warms my heart that you would think that highly of my meta. I wanted to thank you back for taking the time to browse through this blog and to engage with my analysis as more than just content to consume, and for remembering there is a person behind the blog :') It really makes me happy to see my little hobby bring joy to others, even if right now I'm putting it on the back burner for a while

I hope the holidays treat you well, and take care! 💕

[knifegremliin]

my laptop is such a trooper btw (he has so many cracks on him)

[disasterlesbianeldritchhorrors]

took me longer than i expected because uni, but i’ve finished part 3 of that regeneration-except-the-doctor-is-an-extradimensional-insectoid-timesquid-who-literally-moults-off-their-old-body fic! this one’s much less painful than last time, there’s no battles for their companions’ lives or nightmarish political needle-threading, just waking up nice and safe in the tardis with their friends just outside, the walls covered in moulting acid, unit on high alert, everyone on the verge of panic because they exploded into a big ol’ squid... nothing to worry about

today’s deleted scene: there was originally a bit in the doctor’s conversation with sarah jane where she mentioned that when they were flailing through the unit hallways they didn’t seem to know where they were going and they kept bashing into walls and they wouldn’t stop screaming, and it was... honestly about as terrifying as discovering they were secretly an eldritch abomination this whole time. the doctor managed to reassure her through a mix of white lies and sincere thanks, and then they hugged. it didn’t really fit the direction i ended up taking the scene, though - resolved it a bit too neatly - so i cut it. they probably do have a conversation to that effect later in the tardis though

[ragnars-tooth]

Medieval/fantasy au be upon ye: the gang reconvenes and discusses their next steps

Oh god, so this one requires me to get into what the hell this au is about and uhhhh I don’t… know?? Yet???

I’ve got some broad sweeps down but the details are for the most part hazy rn

(That got long fast whoopsie!!)

SO:

- The Pennykettles are the royal family, Lucy is the heir. David is not strictly related to Liz or Lucy, but he was raised in proximity to the crown and later made the equivalent to a prince in title (basically, he’s not really royalty, he can’t take the crown, and he doesn’t do anything important, but he is the court’s funny little guy and you will apologise to him rn for hurting his feelings!! He acts as a figurehead in the Pennykettles’ place for some festivals, and is generally well liked by the public despite being dumb as rocks.)

- More on David: he was raised by the monks of Avalon (pushing my Arthur & Bernard agenda on this fine evening), one of which Liz eventually married (take a wild guess).

- The royal line carries down the women, Arthur is basically arm candy. He and Liz are very queer-platonic to me. Their role is to act as ‘ambassadors’ between dragons and humankind. It’s mostly symbolic at this point, as dragons are very respected and mostly left to their own devices. Their perches are treated as holy places where offerings are left, and they don’t bother themselves with humans as long as things continue to roll smoothly.

- (To be clear, Arthur is not Lucy’s father. I may well go with canon’s egg shit because it works maddeningly well here. It is also important to me that you know Arthur is still blind. I will hold this man in my disabled arms mwah you are safe here)

- THE PENNYKETTLE DRAGONS? They’re still here baybey, but REAL ALL OF THE TIME. They’re a small species of living dragons – I haven’t worked out the exact origin story here yet, whether Liz still breathed life into them from something non-living, or if they’re just juveniles that will eventually become as big as Gawaine. We shall see, I suppose. I imagine that they act like very needy cats that attach themselves to their human and follow them about. God I wish I had a little dragon guy.

- The royal library is run by Henry Bacon (HE LIVES. FUCK YOU.) and his apprentice, Zanna Martindale. David also used to apprentice here before being adopted by the crown. It took Zanna a while to get over the boy she used to throw books at and make daisy chains for becoming effectively a prince. They are in love <3 (no Alexa yet, sorry (unless…. Hm, I will get back to you on this…) bc I see David and Zanna being Firestar ages, and Lucy being older than usual at around 16/17)

- Zanna has a vaguely middle-class upbringing (as far as the concept exists), with a doctor/dentist father and an older sister.  (Ngl. Forgot zanna had a real dentist dad and just made henry her father originally. And now to fix it I’m considering marrying them. It would be funny literally only to me. But it Would be funny. Local doctor and librarian have a weird unacknowledged little gay thing going on. Good for them <3)

- I don’t know how but Melanie Cartwright is in there somewhere and she and Lucy are dating. I am right. You will understand the kettlewright agenda by the time im through with you.  

- Lucy is in her teenage angst era but at least this time it’s just sort of silly instead of a result of horrific trauma. She’s just smothered by loving parents and thinks she could totally make it as an independent adult with no survival skills. She is wrong!

- (Lucy voice: God I hate my parents, they keep saying they love me every twelve seconds 🙄 I just want to do normal things like commit property damage and travel cross-country with nothing but a bag of cheese and scare old man Bacon. Instead all I can do is count my stacks of money and play fetch with my fire-breathing cat. This fucking blows!! They never let me do anything fun :/)

- Tam is a wannabe poet who becomes a knight. On his first day after a big promotion he promptly loses the crown’s only princess and decides that the best course of action is to fake his death and live in the forest. I can’t say I blame him.

- During Tam’s self-imposed exile he comes across is stalked by Bella (the catgirl). He finds her very annoying and is not at all her father now. He also hates cats and would never ever pet one and let it fall asleep in his lap. He is a man of principles and sticks to his finely tuned moral compass. By lying. And running away.

- Regarding Lucy’s disappearance – it was her way of getting away for a bit for fun only child shenanigans, but ultimately ends in her (crown princess, very recognisable, her face is on like. Everything.) getting kidnapped for real.

- Unbeknownst to Tam, David had also disappeared during official business, and Zanna is nowhere to be found. The crown is left in a precarious place, and it soon appears to be under real threat.

- Spoilers: Voss is about, and there is a lot he’s willing to take.

- On lighter notes: Gwilanna and the Chamberlain boys are absolutely still in this because I am so fucking predictable. Tootega come here I can treat you so much better mwah mwah. Well… maybe Gwilanna isn’t a lighter note. But she is there! This will have no consequences on anyone or anything, I’m sure! :3

PLEASE DEAR GOD ASK ME QUESTIONS IF YOU HAVE THEM. I swing violently between wanting to give every single plot detail rn and wanting to go write the actual fic so things can be revealed ✨mysteriously✨

[new-haven-psych-ward]

Kamen Rider Geats episode 44 poorly summarized via memes with as little context as possible: